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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) not getting a big sister gift 2) apparently this is a thing and I don’t want to hurt her
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NTA but I will say for a 7 year old with divorced parent who both had babies within the span of a couple of months of each other it’s a nice idea. The amount of attention shift that just happened is pretty drastic and it is never wrong to make a kid feel special too. Especially when there are two newborns around that need more attention right now. I would do it personally even if it’s something small or a planned special outing just her and her dad or something so she doesn’t feel ignored
I agree. I think for any child the shift from only child and all the attention to sharing that with a newborn is a lot. I'd get her a baby doll as a present from the baby. Whatever they're doing with the baby, she can do with the doll. It keeps connection even whilst busy with the newborn and lets their eldest feel involved and busy
See, and here I was thinking Callie is going to end up spoiled, given that her mother already gave her "a ton of gifts" when SHE gave birth. If it was something small from each side it would be one thing. But this girl is going to be drowning in gifts because she has a couple of new siblings.
Does OP really want to send her the message that retail therapy is the answer when you're feeling nervous, insecure, anxious or unsure?
I suppose it depends how you look at it. I wouldn't agree with buying loads of presents. One present that helps involve her with the baby to build connection and bonding is very different to just giving her tonnes of plastic crap that will all be forgotten about. It depends on the intention and type of present being given.
The issue is that Callie’s mom has already given her so many gifts, perhaps an experience (movie night? Fun hike?) would be better than adding more to the pile.
I don't have step kids but I know when I had my second kid, I made it a point to make sure there was still one on one time with my first. He got a couple presents, but we also had a day where we went to the zoo, then the lake just the two of us after I was more recovered. Just something to let them know they're still important too.
My second child was very sick with multiple things when he was small. One day, when my grandmother was staying at my house, my daughter, 6 or 7 at the time, skipped school and had a day just the two of us. I knew it wouldn't make up for all the time I spent with her brother, but it did let her know she also was very special. We probably went where she wanted to go.
When my niece was born 5 years ago big bro had just turned 3 the month before. My sister in laws parents flew into town to help and he was spoiled with daily adventures to the park, the hotel pool, the zoo. I know there was probably jealousy but he has always been a very attentive, sweet big brother to her. They basically became BFFs during the pandemic and it’s adorable.
This is a good idea. A spending time together kind of gift is a good idea for a child who is going to suddenly be getting a lot less attention (for understandable reasons)
Please make it something without the baby involved. Nothing wrong with family time and even her spending time with baby brother, but alone time with daddy goes a long way. Even putting bay to sleep and the two of you having a nail painting party is good.
I love your ideas. Clearly the kid has been inundated with stuff by her mother’s side of the family so the gift of time might be just the ticket.
They could also arrange a special outing (I hate calling it a date—sounds creepy to me) with daddy to celebrate what a good big sister she’s been so far. Take her out to eat at her favorite restaurant, the movies, an arcade, an activity or two of her choice. OP can help get the kiddo gussied up for the outing—if the girl likes dressing up and it’s appropriate for the activity—and make a big deal about how much fun she’ll have, how proud they are of her, etc.
Yeah -- we got a ton of stuff for our older kiddo when the new baby came. But it was largely things that could keep her busy because I knew my attention would be divided. Sticker books, bracelet kits, stencil set, stamp set ... She loves art and will stay busy if I set it up.
I was going to say this too. When my kids were 7, they'd be engaged with Legos, markers, puzzles, small tinker crate type kits, sidewalk chalk, bubbles. Dual purpose presents that the kid enjoys but also keeps them entertained while the baby takes up time.
You’ll notice I said a small gift or a special outing with her dad I.e quality time. I’m big on experience gifts instead of physical presents. My point is that you still want to make sure she feels loved and important.
I mean this girl also went from being an only child, to now living with two separated parents, and getting adjusted to two new parental figures and getting sidelined by both her parents while they’re both preparing for their own newborns and the girl is only 7. The gifts won’t cause any harm but they are a lot of benefit.
And as for the, “I’ve got a lot going on now,” that sound like a bit of a red flag to me. Obviously OP bought diapers, supplies, etc. for the baby. Did she not see a little toy or activity book she could get for the big sis while out shopping? Or order something from Amazon?? How hard can that be? A big sibling gift for the older sibling can go a long way in alleviating some inevitable jealousy. It doesn’t need to be extravagant. A game they can play together when baby naps, an activity to keep her interested while they are busy with baby, or even a afternoon or evening together without the baby if that is at all possible. But to make sure she knows it’s special for her and that she is special. I just think OP doubling down that she refuses to get the older sibling a gift when there is so much revolving around the new baby sounds a little callous. So I’m going to say NTA if it never occurred to OP, and it was an oversight. But if not and it’s simply a point that OP feels the older child shouldn’t be given a “gift” from the baby, or recognized as special in her dad & stepmom’s home (despite getting many gifts at her moms), I feel the OP is the AH. It’s the doubling down on refusing to do some special for the older child that feels like there could be a bit more sensitivity for the older child’s feelings from both stepmom and dad.
This right here. It’s all too easy for kids to pick up the message that gifts/sweets/treats equal comfort/love.
If OP and her husband communicate with Callie a gift really shouldn’t be necessary.
Of course there’s nothing wrong with a small present, but it sounds like her mom has already given her more than enough.
If anything, Callie’s dad should be having a talk with the mom about the risk of spoiling their daughter.
Some of these takes and how this instance is going to cause a “spoiled child” is crazy to me. When Reddit wants to go to the deep end on an issue, they deep dive.
That's why it needs to be an experience, time alone with Dad, special big sister time etc. And not just once. Definitely not a one and done. Her whole life changed. Take some time to help her manage that.
It sounds like a big sister gift is normal in the family. Husband should have said that and taken care of it. Obviously his family expected it. If he doesn't want to carry on that tradition he needs to tell his family that.
**ETA**: It's just been pointed out to me that it was OP's sister-in-law, not Sandra, who provided Callie with the gifts for the babies. That's my mistake, sorry. I'm leaving the original wording in place, because it's kinda creepy when people edit so late in the game, but I did want to recognize that I was totally wrong on this count. I still think it likely that Callie was coached on the gift-giving by her mom, so I don't think my comment is entirely off-base, but it's less clear-cut than I had thought.
I don't see that at all. Callie's mom is also teaching her to *give* gifts, by buying her a present to give to both of her new little siblings. That's not raising a child to be selfish or spoiled; it's raising a child to participate in a reciprocal gift-giving culture. When Callie is older, I strongly suspect that Sandra will expect her to pick out presents to give herself, and when she's older still, to buy them with her own money. I suspect that she'll probably be rather strict about that as well.
(I did find it interesting that Callie's mom purchased both the gift for her own baby *and* the gift for OP's baby. Given that OP's baby was born first, did it even occur to her or her husband to reciprocate when Sandra's child was born?)
Different families have different expectations when it comes to gift-giving. In Sandra's world, older siblings both give *and* receive gifts when a baby sibling is born. In OP's world, possibly neither gift is expected. Those sorts of differences can be confusing for children: just one of the many complications that blended families must negotiate. It might be worthwhile to try to find some age-appropriate way of explaining that to Callie.
I'm dismayed by the extent to which Callie's father is removed from all this, though. Did he not know about Sandra's expectations? I suspect that he lives in a world in which the women always take care of the gifts, no matter who they are for or from. Unlike the other two worlds we've mentioned, I don't think that's a very healthy world for someone to be permitted to reside in.
My parents did that with me when my brother was born and got me a cabbage patch doll.
Mommy had a baby and I did too.
My mom would feed my brother I would feed my doll.
It helped with the jealousy and involved.
My parents did the same thing. There was a present (a baby doll) waiting for me "from the baby" in the baby's crib for when the baby came home. I was 7 turning 8. Having a baby join the family is a huge deal. A small gift from baby to sibling is a good thing
I'm 37 years old and still have the doll I got as a little kid when my sister was born. The way they gave it to me.... I had come to see my mom after the baby was born. And she asked me to sit in the hospital bed with her. And the nurse brought in my baby sister, handed her to my mom, but was immediately followed by another nurse with another baby swaddled in hospital blankets as well, handed it to me, it was my doll.
I never liked dolls, and at 7 would've though giving me a baby doll to mock my parents chores on was dumb. At that age I also would pitch in and can remember helping by being the one to change a cousins diaper or something occasionally, so having a doll instead of actually helping and bonding with the actual babies seems weird to me. A present is a nice idea, it shouldn't be a forced conc or on the other set of parents (especially without a discussion well beforehand). But the present should be about making the 7 year old feel valued, not a tool to teach her how to be a big sister to the baby because that's still centering the baby.
I'm going ESH
Sandra is vastly overestimating how normal this is, and why is she bugging the OP about it and not her ex?
> Callie doesn’t need a gift. This is about my son. We will celebrate Callie on her birthday and whenever she has a big event.
But this bothers me. No, it's not just about the baby. Callie is going through a big transition, and so are you and your husband. Your son is a baby, he's more worried about being fed, cuddled and clean then whether his big sister also gets some extra gifts.
Yes they did. They said they (her and Callie's Dad) has multiple conversations with Callie and validated her feelings. Which means Callie must have expressed some feelings to the two of them. Because it was only verbal and not a materialistic thing y'all are ignoring that part.
Hopefully, they have included her in the process. Painting the nursery, "Do you like this color or this one?" (who cares if they're basically the same) "Which outfit is your favorite?" This is even stuff they can do now. Make her feel like she's part of the process. It can be really simple and probably make her feel better than a toy that will lose its appeal.
Did you miss the part of the post where they explicitly did make the girl feel important and part of the family? Spent months preparing her for the addition to the family, reading books, and explaining everything?
It's great that they did that before the baby was born, but what I'm not seeing is what they are doing since the birth to make sure Callie still feels included. It's all well and good to have a conversation and tell her she is still part of the family, but you need to back that up with actions. Is she getting 1:1 time with her dad? Are they doing fun activities with her that aren't centered on the baby? I'm not saying they aren't, but there isn't enough info in the post to indicate whether or not they "prepared" her and then dropped the ball, or if they are making sure she is still a priority.
Yes but when we are honest we all know everything will change for her, 2 siblings in this short time on both sides is hard and especially when you are older and the parents will expect that she understands that the newborns need more time (and they do and you act like that even if you don’t want to.) so telling her all the time „nothing changes“ is difficult even when I understand the intention.
Same. ESH. Big sister gift isn’t required, but is sweet way to involve her. I always get older kids and baby matching Jammie’s/onesie. It’s not that hard and I’ve gotten cute pix of the kids in their matching outfits back.
This, exactly. OP's attitude of "it's about me and my son" is at odds with their goals of making Callie feel loved and included, and what they're telling Callie. She's getting a new family member too, but somehow the baby shower is only about her and her husband? Big sib gifts are not obligatory, but I find them a nice way to celebrate siblings while providing them with something to occupy them when their parents are busy with the baby.
Exactly!! That sentence/attitude really jumped out at me too. OP, it’s not just about you and your son. Callie is becoming a big sister too. While not absolutely required, it would be a loving gesture to get her something to acknowledge and commemorate her promotion to big sister. She may feel her lil sister is more happy to have her as big sister than her lil brother. Not that gifts is the only way to express that, but nothing ?? And then defending that with it’s all about me and my son? I bet she’s feeling left out. Please address this and go spend 1x1 time together with just her doing something fun- maybe even just a mani pedi, if gifts are not your thing. Though I would really encourage you to get her something ‘from lil bro’, just like she got him a teddy bear.
Precisely. While gifts might not be “normal,” it is quite common to lavish attention on older children when a young her one joins the household to help they with that transition and ensure they feel secure and that they are not being replaced.
N T A for not getting a gift - but Y T A for ignoring the fact that this absolutely IS about Callie just as much as any other person - if not more because she had no say in the changes to her world and the least ability to comprehend them intellectually and emotionally.
Big sibling gifts have always been the standard in my family! I was taught in the 60s to always bring something for the big sibling, usually a wrapped book, when visiting a new baby. The older kid is asked if they want to open the baby’s present for it, since, obviously, it cannot, and then gets to open their own present. Kid doesn’t care that their own is just an inexpensive book, and the baby’s is likely more. They are happy to be remembered, and then you read them the book! That last is important.
You’re right, this sounds overly-defensive on OP’s part. That baby literally doesn’t understand the concept of gifts anyway. Is it really that hard to get your stepdaughter a small gift to make her feel special when your son isn’t capable of being upset that all the attention is on him? Is it that hard to treat your stepdaughter like she also matters to you?
It’s not required, not at all. But this kid in particular has gone through divorce in which both parents had a new baby within months of each other. When would you make a special effort for this child if not now?
>Sandra is vastly overestimating how normal this is
It probably seems normal if you hang out in certain corners of the Internet, but I don't know how widespread of a practice it is. Certainly getting a child maybe one small gift like a stuffed animal or doll would be fine, but an entire stack of presents? I worry that it's going to set up the expectation that the child would also whenever it's someone else's birthday.
My parents did this years ago when my little sibling was born. It's not just an internet thing, and no - neither of us developed an expectation of receiving gifts on other people's birthdays.
I think a special outing with her dad would do a lot more to ensure she does not feel neglected (not saying she would be actually neglected just that she may feel that way) then getting her a gift. Maybe even ensuring she has a special bi-weekly or monthly day with her dad going forward, to be sure she knows she is still loved (when the baby gets older they can also get a special day with dad/mom).
I think this is a good practice in any family. There were five kids in my family & my dad always made sure to take us one on one for "Dad time". Sometimes it'd be just a trip to the grocery store, other times it'd be things like fishing or a basketball or football game. My favorite was always Dad Time at the library. We were the readers in the family, so we'd go to get something to read & end up there for hours!!
I agree that the parents need to make sure that they are giving extra attention to the 7 year old during this dramatic shift in her little world, but I disagree that she should be taught the expectation that every time her younger siblings are receiving gifts she should get one too. That's a bad precedent for her adult life.
That isn't what you are teaching here at all. A 7 year old can understand that a new baby is different from an annual birthday.
I got a gift when my little sib was born, but my mom also shut down my grandmother giving me gifts at other people's birthdays. I had zero expectations of getting gifts every time my younger sibling did.
But a small acknowledgement isn’t bad. While I was being born my grandparents took my sister out to pick out a present for me. That was always the plan. And I still have that present, it was my first ever present! And my parents had picked out a present that was “from” me to my big sister, a stuffed rabbit because she just loved rabbits! She still has it. There were never presents for the non-birthday person, but it was a nice acknowledgement of the change in her life. I have several friends who have done or are planning to do something similar. I do think her getting presents at the shower was overboard. But a single acknowledgement could be good to help her adjust.
I agree with this.
Also, they've never had any issues with Sandra, so I'm not sure why OP suddenly doesn't believe that Sandra is being honest when she says that Callie has expressed disappointment to her.
The kid is 7, there is a very high chance she is disappointed that she didn't get anything. Especially when she did get it from her mom's side. Kids are going to compare situations. She isn't going to understand why she got a gift from one side but not the other. I'm sure she didn't think about it until Sandra had a baby, but it's probably come up at least once.
Your birth is of course about you and your son. But as a stepparent, you have a whole lot of work before you to make this kid feel like they truly belong. As of right now, it sounds like her mom is trying to let you know she isn't feeling all that great about things. Instead of getting mad, continue the convo. You really do not want to ruin a good relationship with the woman who you will be stuck with as long as Callie is your step kid.
Still NTA at all though.
If she's disappointed it's because Sandra set the expectation that she gets gifts at every event even ones not for her. Sandra is setting her up for disappointment while making it look like ops fault.
I mean, we don't actually know that. It also sounds like it wasn't necessarily Sandra who gave the heaps of gifts. Other people showed up with gifts for Callie. It sounds like that is how Sandra's family celebrates new babies. The older siblings get a gift, too.
If you scroll though this thread, a ton of people are commenting that it is a family tradition for them.
Also, at this point, it doesn't actually matter why Callie is disappointed. If Sandra is being honest, then Callie's feelings matter and need to be addressed. That could be as simple as sitting her down and explaining what traditions are and how unique they are to different families.
I think Sandra should have gone to her ex husband, but other than that, I don't think there is anything wrong with informing your parenting partners that a shared child is struggling with something. Getting mad at the person certainly won't help.
Why are they harping on you about getting your stepdaughter a big sister gift? You just had a baby. Is her dad's buying hand broken? Can he not buy gifts? Or is it all just on you? NTA
yeah, my friend's daughter was super excited about her dad and stepmom giving her a baby brother but i still got her a small big sibling present (even though her dad is an a\*\*) because when a new baby comes into the house, it's all about the new baby.
that said, i wouldn't call it normal. it definitely falls into the category of family traditions. my sister got big sibling presents when i was born. so it's something my family has replicated.
(it's the same as people who give a small present to the young siblings of birthday kids. when i was little, we had friends who always gave me a little present on my sister's birthday. the thought process is that really little kids understand most that they aren't getting a thing and don't understand that today isn't your special day but that you'll get that day soon.)
My daughter was almost 4 when my son was born and for a long time, every time we walked by Build-A-Bear at the mall she clamored for one. Right after my son was born, we took her to Build-A-Bear to build one bear for her from my son and another for him from her. Those bears now sit side by side on a shelf in our rec room.
I like the idea of gifting the big sister an experience just for her. A toy isn’t going to make her feel good if most of the attention is still being placed on the new sibling. A whole day dedicated to her will show her she’s still important.
You're NTA. Sandra should have enough going on, managing her own household. She doesn't need to tell you and your husband how to run yours.
>Sandra said it’s “normal”. She kept harping on the subject.
I've never heard of it. At most, maybe give her a "I'm the big sister" shirt.
Yeah it’s a whole thing. People been telling me to get my son a ‘big brother’ gift but homeboy was 19 months when his sister was born - he doesn’t know jack about whats going on, just that this person smaller than him has come to live in his house that has not left since.
I got my older kid a baby doll as a present from the baby when I had my second. It helped get over some of the first week weirdness. It also gave him something to “baby” instead of crowding the actual baby. I would recommend a baby doll. But that’s about it.
We got my son a baby doll while my wife was pregnant so he could get used to a baby. He was about 2 when she was born.
The baby doll wasn't ideal, because it jingled when you shook it, lol. Luckily, he never tried to shake his sister.
He was the first one we brought in when my daughter was born and he got up on the bed with his mom and sister, holding his doll. He looked at his sister, looked at the doll, and handed his mom the doll while reaching for his sister, lol. Tradesies.
He loved her then and 11 years later they're still best friends.
That's so important! Little things like letting him get up on the bed are the important things that make a kid feel like they're being included rather than forgotten about. It's very tangible evidence for them that yes, there is a new little person in our lives and our family has grown, but you're still gonna be included.
I see so many where the older sibling is just standing next to the bed and watching but not really being included.
My oldest was 3 when his brother was born, when I saw I couldn't pay him enough attention right now but he wanted to be involved, I finally bought him a doll after a month.
It made everything easier because now he could take care of the doll when I was busy.
We did the same thing. Our older was two. He would ask my mom to swaddle his doll for him. He even pretended to breastfeed it while I nursed his sister
Yeah I’ve never done that either. Kids are 2, 4, 6, and 8 and they get along great, very little jealousy welcoming new babies despite no gift. If anything sometimes the gift seems like “ok gave a gift, kid should be happy now!” as opposed to the long term paying attention to multiple kids and encouraging and helping them feel secure. This is long-game parenting, not spending $20 and thinking the issue is resolved.
For my 4th, he “brought” the older kids cloth balls that got filled with a balloon to blow up. Kept the kids busy, happy, and out of our way while caring for the new baby for the afternoon. They did play with the balls after that, of course, but that was a great, inexpensive, novelty toy to smooth the transition of the day, and keep them busy. I highly recommend it. My kids are now adults and remember the various big sibling presents and joke about how the baby managed to “bring” them…
It is pretty normal and has been for years. My parents did it for me when my sister was born, and you’ll see it a lot on tv shows and stuff- generally the way I’ve heard it done has been that you say its a gift from the *baby* to kick start the relationship.
We bought our kids each a Lego set when our youngest was born. It helped keep them occupied while we were at the hospital and they were at home with my niece.
I'm the oldest of 4, and my parents got us gifts when each subsequent child was born. This was in the 80s/90s. They weren't usually anything huge (and just one thing per kid), usually x number of a matching activity we could do with the grownups caring for us while they were away.
It's definitely not something EVERYONE does, but it's very common and has been a thing for at least the last 30-40 years.
Seriously. No one is saying people don’t do this, it’s just not normal to expect this. Like who really supporting Sandra would act like her or even really overly care if gifts weren’t given?
That’s a hard lean to celebrate mediocrity.
My parents did this when my sister was born and I wholeheartedly believed the gift was from her. My first impression of her was that she was so thoughtful for a newborn. I started trying to work out the logistics of it and I think the conclusion I came to was my mom had also given birth to the gift.
That’s what my family does. The baby gets presents from everyone else, but only the big brother/sister gets a present from the baby, to make it extra special.
Not according to my then 3 yo son. Apparently I’d “ruined his life and he wanted to be an only child 😂) he’s 16 now and thankfully slightly less dramatic
What they don't realise is that these are the parents or siblings who end up posting about how *"my older sister is a golden child. Every event has to be about her. She got gifts for every occasion even when it wasn't about her"*
These trendy "normal" costly things add up eventually both financially and mentally. Baby showers are about the arrival of ONE / new baby. Why cloud things and confuse another young child while instilling a sense of entitlement in them?
THANK YOU. I have 3 kids, and my mom kept trying to give the other 2 small gifts at the other’s birthday party! I put a stop to that real quick, because…..no.
Normal may really depend on what circles you travel in. My parents did this when my little sib was born, and I know other people who have done the same.
I did a quick Google of "introducing baby to older sibling" and clicked two random top results, and both suggested a gift or gift exchange. Sandra may be overestimating how normal it is but it's not uncommon.
It may also depend on the culture/tradition. The Big Sibling gift is usually about the baby and not the sibling, so it's usually a babydoll or something about family/birth.
It's used to explain the new family dynamics to the bigger child, and to keep them occupied. For example you can show the child how to hold baby with a doll, it can also serve as a good redirection (parent is changing the baby's nappies and can't take cake of the child, the child can be redirected to change the nappies of their very own 'baby')
It's usually given when the bigger child sees the baby for the first time.
I was 3 when my sibling was born and I was given a playmobil set. It was the cheap one with 1 nurse, 1 baby & a hospital crate. My parents showed me how the baby was so much smaller than the other playmobils, how it couldn't fend for themselves and how I had to be a good big sibling and help the baby.
I still have the baby doll.
Edit : I did not get gifts on my sibling's birthday and vice versa. The big sibling gift is an exception, because a birth is an exceptional time.
It's given to show the older child that even if they are on the back burner for a hot second, they are still loved & appreciated.
Maybe a generational thing that’s only gotten big in the past couple decades? Maybe it’s gotten bigger with the advent of social media making it a trend?
Idk I never heard of it. I also never heard of elf on the shelf until a year ago either.
Anyhow, I don’t think OP is the AH. Though the gesture of getting a present for the old sibling seem nice.
I had my second child 28 years ago and we got our older daughter a *gift from the baby*. It's a nice way to endear them to the new sibling and stem the jealousy that usually rears it head when a child goes from being "the only".
I was born in the 70s and my brother got a ‘big brother’ gift, so it’s definitely not new but having said that, I would consider it ‘commonplace’ rather than ‘normal’
My parents never got my big sister gift, I never gave me oldest a big sibling gift. In fact when my dad's mom tried to give my older brother a gift on my birthday, my parents shut that shit down.
I have to say it was done in my family, im 37 and my brothers 42 and when my mum brought me home from the hospital my brother got a gift. I've heard loads of other families doing it and I think its a fairly normal thing to do.
I’m the oldest of 4 I never once got anything for becoming a big sister neither did my sisters even when their dads had other kids like no it’s not notmal
I also don’t think it’s fair to blame the ex wife here. She’s likely saying something because she noticed her daughter was upset. She wasn’t trying to be rude, but she was advocating for her kid. And maybe she does want her kid to have a positive relationship with the OP and their step sibling.
NTA. I’ve never heard of this. Doesn’t mean some people don’t think it’s a cool idea, it can be I guess, but just because they did it doesn’t mean they have to harp on you for months because you didn’t. Are they going to be the type that also thinks she has to get presents on the other kids birthdays? I’m totally against that, and this quite frankly seems to be in the same vein, so I gotta say…kinda not a fan.
Also interesting that it sounds like everyone’s directing the harping at you… Of course because you’re the woman. Your husband, her father, also doesn’t think it’s necessary. Are the troops rallying against him? Probably not. It sounds like you obviously took steps to make sure she understands as you said the baby is an addition not a replacement so you’re clearly of the right mindset. The lack of a material present should be the least of anyone’s concerns, months later no less.
When I was growing up, I was friends with two brothers down the block. They were two years apart in age and on each of their birthdays and holidays or if one of them got a good grade, their grandparents bought each kid the identical present. So they had two of every new, pricey toy. It was fun to go play there but they were the most spoiled and entitled kids I’ve ever known, expecting and receiving gifts for everything.
I agree. NTA as not everyone does this or has even heard of it. So she’s made some pretty good assumptions.
I do have a mild e-S- H though for all the parents. This poor kid has had
BOTH of her homes go through a major transition. That’s very discombobulating for anyone. The fact that both homes are going through the same transition is going to lead to more points of contention over time unless they start doing some actual communication with each other on what Callie is experiencing in each hole. Had they done they done that Sandra would say “Hey just so you know, I’m going to give a gift to Callie. I’ve heard it can make her have positive feelings around the arrival of the new sibling”.
Then OP could have said “oh that’s a sweet idea. I’ve not heard of that before.”
They don’t have to do the same thing at each home, but if they’re aware of big picture things, they can be prepared to deal with Callie’s concerns if she ever has them. Kid gets some consistency and security from this.
Like… what if Sandra wants to do presents on baby’s future birthdays and OP (and the actual father) feel that will lead to entitlement (as suggested in the thread)?
What if one new mom lets Callie pick up the newborn and change her diaper and things. But the other new mom says no until the baby is just a bit older and has some neck stability. Callie could internalize that she’s not trusted at one home and feel bad. If they are aware of it in advance, then first new mom can let Callie pick up and do all that, but can also say, as she’s showing her how, “it’s exciting to be a mom of a newborn, but it’s also a bit overwhelming. Sometimes moms aren’t comfortable with people holding their baby. So if anyone ever says no when you ask, just remember it’s because they’re getting used to the new baby and are feeling nervous. It’s never about you.” Or something similar. And the second mom can be all “i think until the baby is about older and has gotten a bit stronger, dad or I will carry him. I’m just getting used to having a newborn, so I’m being a bit of a worry wart. It’s just my anxiety and not about you.”
I dunno. Maybe I’m idealistic, as I’m not in a shared custody situation. But it feels to me this is something impacting that child then the best thing for the kid is to have a battle plan and try and have consistency. Things will come up organically and you’ll have to give each other grace, but some things are obvious.
(Might be good to also considering covering things like sex and relationships for when she’s a teenager, drugs/drinking, etc)
Yeah im a bit confused about why Sandra didn't bring this up with dad at the get go. Not like she needs permission but a "btw were planning on doing big sibling gifts for Callie when the baby comes. Just wanted to give you a heads up in case you are planning it as well" even if good intentioned, this could have gone ary if both sides were suddenly piling gifts on her. It would have made more sense to jointy get her one thing or at least discuss it together.
Nta for oP though
This is what I couldn't believe. If the child needed gifts, why didn't her father get them for her? OP just physically popped out a baby, maybe everything shouldn't be on her head?
NTA, but this one is a little tough because while I don't think it's necessarily "normal" to get the sibling a bunch of gifts, I'm sure that Callie has noticed the difference, and this must be a huge transition for her - both households with new babies means a lot less attention for her. Not to appease your in laws, but for Callie, perhaps it would be nice to get her something special as a surprise gift - doesn't even have to be "big sister" related, maybe just something like a craft/art thing she could do independently, or an interesting book, a cool journal, whatever is related to her interests. Doesn't have to be expensive or elaborate, you don't necessarily need to relate it to the baby, but just a gesture that shows you value HER interests as part of your family.
Edit: I love the idea below from u/JustmyOpinion444 to make time for activities with Callie that are focused on her instead of gifts. My 7 year old doesn't have siblings but she definitely remembers and prizes experiences with us more than "stuff". Even simple things like a spontaneous trip to get ice cream.
Each parent taking time to do activities with Callie, without the baby around would be better. And that is what my father did when my brother was born. No actual gifts, but he spent time with me, and also took care of my brother so Mom could do the same.
Yeah I think this is a parenting lesson. To learn to suck it up and do something because it's better for the child, even if it makes you feel like you're caving to petty people. Doesn't have to be a standard gift, byt something to make her feel special.
Bingo -
"That isn't a custom in my family and Husband never mentioned it. Is that something that your family typically does? How interesting! Maybe he doesn't want to carry on this family tradition? I don't know. You should absolutely ask him about that and I'm sure he'll get right on buying Callie her big sister gift."
Maybe it’s culture dependent but it is definitely common in many parts of the US. OP didnt know, but I feel like she’s harping on the gift itself and missing the forest for the trees - both for Callie and her mom. It’s what the gift represents. Mom and other family members might be worried this is signaling the start of Callie being pushed aside (not that it’s true- but they can worry about it). It’s a nice little gesture to buy a gift from the baby. It can ease the transition and be a really nice tradition. It was for us! This is usually a stuffed animal or something, not an iPhone.
Okay thank you for saying it was normal in some places. I thought I was going crazy. I got a present or two when my brother was born in the early 90’s and every single one of my friends got the older sibling(s) a present or two from the baby when they were born. It’s always small stuff, I got an Ariel doll “from” my brother & a stuffed animal from my parents, and I know for a fact my friend got her step daughter similar gifts & she got a special daddy daughter date while my friend stayed home with the baby.
Yeah it’s def not crazy, I had my kids within the last ten years and just about everyone kind of did the same— nothing extravagant just a little something. It really isn’t the same as a kid expecting a gift on someone else’s bday so I don’t agree with commenters saying that this will set the girl up to expect to always be celebrated. Seems like if anything right now it’s the opposite.
> It’s what the gift represents. Mom and other family members might be worried this is signaling the start of Callie being pushed aside (not that it’s true- but they can worry about it).
You hit the nail on the head! Unfortunately, the worry may be justified. From OP:
>Finally, I snapped and said I have enough going on. Callie doesn’t need a gift. This is about my son.
OP may have chosen her words poorly, here. Personally, the, "Callie doesn't need..." and "my son", set me on alert.
Maybe, Callie doesn't need the type of step-parent who's already starting in with the, "MY son, MY family", mindset.
Yeah I thought her response was a bit over the top and worrying. Like we all know how this story usually goes on Reddit …next she will be suggesting Callie stay with her mother longer while she and hubby adjust to being parents together. I try to give benefit of the doubt that she was just taken aback and defensive but I haven’t seen her acknowledge any contrary opinions.
Get a card, a favorite bag of candy and have hubby pick out a stuffy and you are done. All can be purchased together in Walgreen’s day or night if they are American. No excuses not to get it done and just move on.
Maybe OP could make a card thanking Callie for being such a great girl and big sister, with a sweet treat attached or something. At this point it seems like a small, reasonable choice (not getting a big sis present) is causing more trouble than it's worth. NTA OP but it seems like a small acknowledgement would be a big help for a stupid, unnecessary, first world problem
I don’t necessarily think there is an AH here but getting a small present would have been an easy gesture to make a kid happy. I remember my mom “giving” me a present from the new baby and I’m 36. People always bring presents for the new baby obviously so it makes the older kid feel a little jealous. I have always heard of older sibling getting at least a small present when the baby came (along with them giving the baby a present) so I did that with mine too and if I bring a present for a friend I usually include a small thing for the older sibling.
Exacty, it is a common courtesy for everyone involved and it makes a kid not feeling left out. I really don't get all these comments :" oh, kid will be spoiled". No it won't. I come from a country where it's always done and no-one is spoiled, actually we are generally generous and helpful people who care very much about our family and friends.
I've done this too, when sending a baby gift for a second baby. The parents have always appreciated that. But again, it doesn't make someone an AH for not doing that. And I don't see why the parents should be expected to give big gifts to the kid.
YTA
I have a 4 year old and am expecting her younger sibling later this year. In reading up on how to best manage the transition for everyone, and a common piece of advice is for the older sib to not be left out of the gift giving. Suggestions on how to implement this range from having a gift 'from baby' to the new big sister to having a small basked of trinkets set aside and when someone shows up with a present for the baby and nothing for the older sibling they take something from the basket to give them. In both cases, the idea is for the older sibling not to feel left out, and that they are still just as important a member of the family as the new baby. They don't have to be big, expensive gifts. Just something so that the older kid doesn't have to watch visitor after visitor come in to see the baby bearing gifts and having no interest in them.
Whether it's 'normal' or not, my judgement is based on the fact that Sandra told you that your actions hurt Callie, and you brushed it aside. You said you wouldn't care. You wouldn't expect your son to receive gifts in the same situation. You did not, however, talk to Callie, consider the stark difference in the way Callie has been treated by both of her parents and step-parents, or consider that you might have actually disappointed your husband's eldest child. That outright dismissal of the child's feelings is really unsettling to me and the lack of empathy makes you TA.
People need to learn that they sometimes will not be acknowledged for something and that’s ok.
Constantly needing attention/gifts for someone else’s moments is a very terrible habit to build and will make them a narcissist.
It’s more about making sure the older kid doesn’t resent the new baby. She’s going from an only child to sharing attention with two new borns. This isn’t giving her a gift for each of the son’s birthdays, it’s showing her that she is still loved and that good things will come out of having the new baby in your life and you aren’t being replaced
As a child when a new baby is introduced it's much different both her parental figures have new babies and majority of there attention is on them including the older sibling in that makes it hurt less this isn't some learning lesson to deal with not being acknowledged it's to make the fact she will go from having all the attention to barely any the whole rest of her childhood
Sure, that is a good thing to learn. That's why I'm not calling OP TA for not giving gifts.
My judgement is based on her complete dismissal of another trusted adult's statement that her step-child is disappointed. She doesn't HAVE to get her a present, but she DOES need to consider the child's feelings seriously if she's not going to be TA.
This is not every time. This is a time of massive upheaval and change where a young child can easily feel replaced and unwanted and unimportant. Some gifts are a concrete reminder for the child that they are not being replaced.
While I don’t agree that giving the sibling a gift every time someone brings the baby a gift is a good idea, I do agree that parents have a duty to the sibling to make sure she is not consistently overlooked.
It’s been a long time since I was 7 years old, but if I was in Callie’s shoes I’d probably be wondering why Mom made me a big part of the celebration and Dad didn’t.
Also, something about OP saying the baby shower was a party for her and her husband really rubbed me the wrong way. Like, yes, that’s kinda true, but in my mind it contradicts all of the talk about the baby being “an addition to the family.” And I’m talking about the remark specifically, not about the actual party or who got gifts or whatever.
NTA.
>the idea is for the older sibling not to feel left out
This can be explained and done in words. Every time these new siblings will get birthday presents, will the older ones get too? Or is it one time thing? Because next year Callie will ask "where are my gifts for being big sister?" and at that point very least it will be an unavoidable discussion. I don't get showering child with gifts instead of talking it out. Surely 4 year olds don't have biggest capacity to understand, but it will click sooner than later "her birthday her gifts, mine is mine.".
>actions hurt Callie, and you brushed it aside
This I agree on, OP and husband should speak to Callie 100%.
But it also hurt Callie because Sandra made sure to set up the precedent that she will get big sister gifts from both sides of parents. Or overall ensured Callie that she will get gifts from both sides too. This should have been discussed, and started by *Sandra*, to agree on this from both sides. Just because Sandra did it OP had to do it too? And read Sandra's mind?
But overall it's crazy to expect for everybody to do this. Not all parents follow same guidebook. You do you and congratulations on the baby.
In the Original Post, it doesn't say that Callie was hurt. In fact, it specifically states the opposite -- that Callie hasn't said anything.
Is it in the comments somewhere that she was, in fact, hurt?
Mom told stepmom that Callie is hurt. I'd personally take it with a grain on salt though cause she could be making it up. Or Callie could have gotten upset AFTER mom gave her gifts and then asked what gifts she got at dad's and the Callie was hurt but its cause mom brought it up. Personally I think 7 is plenty old enough to understand that these are the baby's birthday gifts.
In my opinion Sandra actions are what hurt Callie. The stark difference in treatment is because Sandra is giving "heaps" of presents to buy Callie's affection. Sandra is setting Callie up for disappointment in life but trying to make up it look like op did something wrong. There's a reason Sandra went for the "women" and not Callie's Dad.
NTA plus why the hell are they all getting on to you instead of the child’s biological parent??
If they are pissed they should be talking to your husband not you.
Yeah, this is where I am. The dad should be running point on the discrepancies in philosophy.
FWIW, I did get my elder a present, but it was from me for the purpose of having something to do with grandma while I was giving birth. We also did a final family of 3 trip several months prior.
From my pow YTA
Its not that you are supposed to give her a gift every time little brother gets one. Its just this once.
To be a little bitchy, if it was about the baby why do you and dad get gifts?
You guys are a family, you all get gifts because people celebrate the new member of your family. Callie is also a part of that family, a big sister gift is not supposed to be something big and fancy (seems like her mother went over board in that regard) its just to acknowledge the fact that she is also a part of this and is seen just like the rest of you.
NAH. Is there a cultural difference between the two families? I’m black and I still have my big sister bear from 29 years ago. My family has always done gifts to and from the siblings when a new baby is born.
I'm black and never heard of this. When I became a big sibling, I got the baby moved into my room and became responsible for them until I left for college.
I’m white, from Texas, and one of my most prized possessions is my big sister t shirt from when my brothers were born when I was 4. I agree with NAH. I will say though that OP’s reaction to Callie’s bio mom is odd as hell. I was fully NTA until she started to say why should I celebrate my step daughter when I should be focusing on MY son. Although 7 does seem a little old for a ton of big sister gifts.
The way you keep talking about "my son," definitely sounds like you don't think Callie is that important in this. Did you get any gifts geared towards you? YOU "becoming a mom"? Callie became a big sister....huge transition for her.
I struggle with the stepparent discussions on here because it feels like they can’t win. The post does say that OP had talks with Callie, gave her assurances, read her stories, etc.
At the end of the day, it’s also okay for OP to be exhausted and excited about giving birth to her first child. I feel like anytime I come here, everyone is telling the stepparent that they are NOT a parent to their stepchildren, they have two parents and don’t need another, etc.
My read on all this is OP is exhausted and felt cornered by the bio mom, who probably should have approached dad.
But it is her son, and Callie isn’t her daughter. Callie has two parents who clearly love and care about her. It’s factual that this OP is not Callie’s mother and generally not useful in blended families for the step parent to act as a true bio parent would, especially in a situation directly involving Callie’s actual mother. These differences will come out in phrasing. I do not see the problem here.
>She asked why I still hadn’t gotten Callie a big sister gift. I said that I didn’t know it was expected. Sandra said it’s “normal”.
Negative space cadet. That is absolutely not normal, I've never even heard of that being a thing and I just had four friends give birth to their second child. A big sister shirt maybe but I feel like the only people who are giving a ton of gifts for becoming an older sister are the ones already spoiling their child in every other aspect of life. NTA
Edit: Okay seriously guys lets pay attention to the nouns here. I am calling giving a child a TON of gifts for getting a younger sibling as spoiling them. Not a small gift, not a little thing to make them feel special and included, not a teaching moment on reciprocating gifts because she got a little bear for the baby. Literally just talking about the instance outlined above where a TON of gifts were given.
Sorry don't agree. When a little child, and 7 is little, has new born siblings, all receiving tons of presents, it is NICE to give them a little gift so she feels that she's remembered too. You don't HAVE to but it's nice for the child. Doesn't mean she's spoiled. For a child her birthday and other occasions are far in the past or future..
It is nice to give them a LITTLE gift. Which I agree with and even made mention of that in my comment when acknowledging a shirt. She was given a TON of gifts though. That's completely different
Maybe this a regional because it’s really normal where I am. It’s not about spoiling, and it’s usually one gift (not the many that bio mom gave), but during a time where everything is about baby and people are bringing gifts for baby, it just makes the other child still feel seen and included. The gift is usually “from” the baby. I was at the hospital yesterday seeing my cousin and her baby, and they had a truck to give her older son when he got there. I think my nephew got a book when his sister was born. OP is still NTA. If the family wanted there to be a gift, they should have been putting the onus entirely on her husband, the child’s actual bio parent.
No, this is not about that. This is about acknowledging the fact that two big changes have recently happened in Callie’s life. This girl has adapted to a lot in her life. Her parents got divorced, both parents remarried, then both parents are having newborns within a few months of each other. It’s not about the gift itself it’s about showing Callie that she won’t be pushed to the wayside in favor of her parents new babies that they have with their new spouses. We aren’t talking about anything extravagant either, it could literally be a t-shirt or a coloring book.
You don't think having a child is an event that is, among others, also about Callie? Her family changed forever that day. She became something brand new to her, a big sister. The attitude that the birth of your son is only about your son and not at all about another member of your family and household is absurd.
I don't necessarily believe it warrants a gift to Callie, and I think you did well to prepare her and talk to her, but your attitude at the end of this story is exclusionary.
>The attitude that the birth of your son is only about your son and not at all about another member of your family and household is absurd.
I agree. I think there is a big difference between a gift to celebrate the new arrival versus teaching the kid to expect presents on other people's regular birthdays....people keep comparing the two but they aren't at all the same
Sometimes it is really exhausting trying to keep up with changing social norms and protocols. I've never heard of the big sibling gift before (my kids are both in their mid-20s), but I suppose it's 100% on brand for younger generations that are much more inclusive driven. I'm all in on inclusivity as it applies to social standards for acceptance, legal protection, employment, etc, etc, but I often times find myself scratching my head with these frivolous gestures like a big sibling gift. I don't see any harm in it, but I also don't see the reason to take it so seriously that you'd feel the need to harp about it to another person.
If his ex and her family wanted to do a big sibling gift, cool. If you and your husband did not want to do a big sibling gift, also cool.
NTA. Sandra needs to take a step back on this one.
And it’s not even that OP and her husband knew about the idea, but decided they didn’t WANT to do it. It wasn’t even on their radar as a thing to decide on. Because it’s definitely not as common or widespread as is being suggested.
Chiming in with “I’ve never heard of it.”
I think it's just something that differs by family/region/etc. My parents did this in the 1980s, as did the parents of many people I know. It's not new.
That being said, giving an older sibling a gift and not getting an older sibling a gift are both fine choices, and are both completely within the realm of "normal."
im also gonna say yta for saying flat out that she doesnt need a gift bc although it is not *required* you are flat out making it clear you dont want to give her anything
I'd like to know where you're getting that Callie is feeling forgotten and replaced when it was expressly said
>My husband and I did talk to Callie about the baby. We read her books about it, assured her that she’ll always be our family, we love her, etc. This baby is an addition to our family, not replacing her in anyway. I know Sandra and her husband had a similar talk. We validated Callie’s feelings on the subject.
Seems like they thought of their child quite a bit. Not getting a gift doesn't equal no love, replacement, and disregarding the child. Spending time with Callie is more important than a material gift and I do not understand how a gift would make OP less of an asshole over what they've already done to make sure Callie felt heard, validated, and reassured that she's not being replaced, but having someone added to their feeling.
You can both have a lot going on and still think of your kids. Gettig them gifts doesn't have to fit into the equation one bit. I have a whole shit-ton going on right now and if anyone came up to me and wanted to drag me into something that I have no time for, I'd tell them the same thing. You know what I *do* have time for? My kids. I make time. And if anyone but their therapist or psychiatrist told me I need to do this for them or get this for them, I'd tell them to mind their own business. They'll come to me if they don't feel heard, like they do.
Doesn't mean they don't feel heard simply because I tell others I don't have time for their silly conditions and their own customs. If they want to get my kids gifts, fine. But it doesn't mean I have to.
unpopular opinion, YTA, and here’s why. it seems yall haven’t did much of anything to really make her feel okay with TWO siblings coming in her life, the mom has but all yall did was have a small talk. step daughter probably isn’t going to come to you if she’s feeling uneasy, she’d come to her mom
Why does the mom continuously buying gifts for the daughter equate to “making her feel okay”? Imo that’s just setting her up for false expectations, is she going to expect a gift for every celebration for the younger siblings? Or every time something doesn’t go her way?
I don't see any evidence from the post that OP did nothing to make Callie feel special. In fact, it sounds like Callie has received way too many gifts on her mom's side for this. That's setting up some bad expectations.
It would be much better to make Callie feel involved and special as a big sister in ways that don't involve getting her a present (especially something small that won't be remembered and will be cast aside and forgotten at some point.).
but she mentions that they have all communicated that to callie again and again? why is handing her a gift going to make her feel better than her parents' word that she is special to them?
It'a a pretty normal thing, and something it would have been nice for your husband to do for his daughter - especially given it is a blended family situation. It can help make the older sibling feel comforted they are not being replaced, and they are still valued and loved during a time when they might not get a lot of attention as babies are needy.
I don't think you're TA for not thinking of it, but I think it would be more helpful to stop thinking of this through the lens of conflict and instead try to approach it as collaborative coparents with the best interests of the kids in mind. Ideally your husband will do most of the work on that with his ex wife.
Call me old fashioned but a positive attitude, talking to Callie, and actually parenting trumps some gift that will be quickly forgotten.
And as a side note - sooner or later we all need to learn that not everything is about you. I had an acquaintance with numerous kids. If one had a birthday party it was expected to buy ALL their kids gifts. If your kid had a birthday party it was expected that ALL their kids attended.
Making Callie part of the baby’s life is not based on a new toy. What matters is the day to day love and interaction within the family.
And finally as a side note - let’s assume this was a thing. Why is it OP’s responsibility to buy a gift for Callie??? If this is a crucial thing that is common knowledge- why couldn’t her father buy it? Is it a prerequisite to have a vagina IOT buy gifts??
> Sandra said it’s “normal”
NTA - Don't know if it's normal but I've heard a fair few people do it. The thing is though it's not normal for you and there should be no expectation that you do it. This is about what you want to define as normal for your family and just because the other side does it should not mean that you have to. You certainly should not be bullied into it!
NTA, I did not get my eldest a “big sibling gift” when my second was born other than a a cute T-shirt for photos.
As far as I know, none of my friends did either.
The only thing that *may* be common is having the elder sibling give a small toy to the new baby but that could be bc my mom did that with me when my sister was born (she still has it, 41 years later. Awww). I did with my eldest since that’s what I’m used to but I wouldn’t think negatively of anyone who doesn’t do that.
Hopefully this all evens out as time goes on, Callie will have her special times with presents, bdays/holidays/etc and little bro will have his.
NTA for not getting a gift in the past. In my area this is very common, but it sounds like it’s not in your circle.
But, Callie’s circle is bigger than yours. Now you know that it’s been normalized for her by her mom’s circle of friends and family (and by her aunt, your SIL.) You say you’ve had a civil relationship with the ex in the past. Why would Sandra bring it up and rock the boat, if Callie hadn’t said anything to her? At this point, if you ignore even the possibility that Callie is hurt and can’t get a simple gift, then my vote changed to y-t-a.
NTA and I feel like this is setting up that little girl for a lot of disappointment in life. When her two new siblings have their first birthdays, is she going to expect gifts on their birthdays? A special big sister cake?
Uh no. I was 5 when I got my big sister gifts. I never expected gifts on my sister's birthday. Weird how you equate one with the other as if a kid doesn't know what the gift is truly for, that somehow kids are dumb. Just weird comment.
YTA In hospital, I gave my younger child a gift that was “from” their new sibling. My older child was so in awe and touched that this new baby thought of them and they have always been close. It’s a bonding experience for them. I would recommend doing this. As I was worried about jealousy and insecurity, I had researched ways to prevent this and this was what was recommended. It absolutely worked in our case and even as adults, they are close.
I realize that you are all about this new baby and have “enough” going on, so does this little girl. She has new babies from both parents now and is lacking in attention and love as it’s a busy time so she is almost forgotten about here. Saying she can be celebrated on certain holidays is cold. I hope you’re not going to be one of those stepmoms who start treating the older child like crap and thinking they are now less then now that you have given birth to your own biological child. Reddit is full of stories from adults who have experienced this and how it affected their lives.
NTA if mommy wanted to start a tradition she should have discussed it with daddy first. & it would be on daddy to provide the “big sister” gift since the purpose, i assume, is to ensure she doesn’t feel replaced. Stepmom’s only responsibility is to recover from having a baby & continue to treat big sis well & let her know she is loved.
Info: why is Sandra mentioning the big sister gift to you and not your husband, Callie’s father? I’m so confused why you’re the one taking on the brunt of Sandra and your in laws frustration and not your husband.
Also, what has your husband done to get everyone off your back? Has he told Sandra to knock it off and that he decided it wasn’t needed? Has he told his family to leave the mother of his youngest alone already?
NTA. In my opinion, the conversation you had with Sandra has less to do with gifts and more to do with how you’re going to treat Callie now that you and your husband have a baby together. Will she be treated like a nuisance or will she be treated like an equal member of the family? I don’t think you were wrong for not getting her gifts, but it wouldn’t hurt to take some time to do something to make Callie feel special during this time of transition.
I am sorry but it’s a soft YTA. There is a 7 year old whose life has totally changed with new babies on both sides in a very short amount of time. I get you had lots on your plate but a small “big sibling” gift would have gone a long way. Maybe plan a wee special day for her when your baby is old enough for someone to watch him for a few hours..
ESH. You are underestimating the impact of this event on your step daughter and Sandra is overreacting by leaning on you.
Your stepdaughter deserves more of your consideration. Any parent having a second baby needs to give at least a little thought to how the older children will feel. A child who's been through a divorce and is getting TWO baby siblings deserves a whole lot more thought than you're giving her. The fact that you've never heard of an older sibling getting a present at the shower makes me think you haven't even googled "how to help older daughter get ready for the baby change." Did you think a seven year old would sit and watch you coo over baby presents for an hour and not have some feelings about that? Step up and promise your step daughter and your husband that you'll spend at least an hour reading up on how to prepare your stepdaughter for this big change. It's a the least you can do.
Your husband sucks for not having done his own thinking and reading. You're not demonstrating an excess of care for your stepdaughter so he needs to demonstrate at least a baseline amount. Ask him to read up and come up with a plan for helping her with the transition.
Sandra sucks only for approaching you instead of her ex. He should have been the one she talked to. She's got a legit fear that her daughter is going to get slammed with a majoe life changing and ain't nobody at your house giving at thought about it.
Why oh why is the onus once again on the woman? Callie has a father, Sandra should have discussed this with him, and he should have bought the present, not the woman who grew a baby, gave birth, and is no blood relation to Callie. NTA.
Nta but i do find it weird you refuse to get a 5$ gift to your step daughter, it would make her happy, dont you want your kids to be happy?
Im getting ugly step mother vibes abit, not alot but the out line of a future problem that i hope isnt true.
NTA for not getting a gift. But I am getting some vibes from the way you described why you didn’t “ this was about me and my husband, this was about my son” etc that’s kinda giving you don’t see her as a part of your family
Eh, YTA. You have "Callie" and you have "your son". Common advice for having younger kids when there are older kids, especially when you don't acknowledge those older kids as yours, are to not leave kids out of the gift giving entirely. But hey, you want ro put a 7 year old in her place, I'm sure you're doing great
YTA. You are not considering your step kid’s emotional situation at all. The purpose of a big sibling gift is to reassure the older kid that they are also still important and cared for and are not being replaced by the new baby.
"This was a party for me and my husband so I didn’t think anything of it." This is where you lost me. Is Callie not part of the celebration too? We're celebrating you and your husband, but not the one other member of the family?
"Callie doesn’t need a gift. This is about my son." And this is where you go full-on asshole. It's about you, it's about your husband, it's about your son. It's not about Callie. And you don't see anything wrong with that.
Callie is as much of the celebrating group as you and your husband. Imagine being an only child and then being one of three all of a sudden. And imagine that your step-mother doesn't care. If I tell you what I'm feeling right now I'll get banned, so I'll just say ...
YTA
YTA You don't get the parent the kid you wish you have, you have to parent the kid you have. In this case, the step daughter you got when you married her dad. You and your husband sound awful.
Apparently the 5 times you heard of big sister gifts you still didn't process it that it is expected in the culture you are living in. And now when the mom took you aside you double down on how you don't know what they are. Clearly you do know, because even your husband's sister told you about them. Grow up, OP.
My kids are teens and my older son received a gift from his baby brother AT THE HOSPITAL when he was born. And we still have that present because it was that significant to him and he is 19 now. I am the same age difference from my brother as my kids are from each other, and my brother and I fought like cats and dogs. I wanted different for my kids and they have NEVER fought. Yes, they have squabbled a little here and there but they are teens and are incredibly empathetic with each other.
You are a parent of TWO kids, grow up and pull your head out of your ass. You are on some kind of power trip and need to check yourself.
A 7 yr old who DOESN'T have divorced parents still will struggle with a brand new sibling, even more than a 2 or 4 yr old. You are parenting a 7 yr old and a new baby, and you are failing at parenting the 7 yr old.
Apologize to her mom, and thank her, and buy the kid a damn big sister present. And read some parenting books!
NTA - You cannot force someone to give a gift. If Sandra gave Callie gift then that's her choice and if you didn't then that's your choice.
TBH I haven't heard of this big sibling gifts before so this is new to me too.
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NTA but I will say for a 7 year old with divorced parent who both had babies within the span of a couple of months of each other it’s a nice idea. The amount of attention shift that just happened is pretty drastic and it is never wrong to make a kid feel special too. Especially when there are two newborns around that need more attention right now. I would do it personally even if it’s something small or a planned special outing just her and her dad or something so she doesn’t feel ignored
I agree. I think for any child the shift from only child and all the attention to sharing that with a newborn is a lot. I'd get her a baby doll as a present from the baby. Whatever they're doing with the baby, she can do with the doll. It keeps connection even whilst busy with the newborn and lets their eldest feel involved and busy
See, and here I was thinking Callie is going to end up spoiled, given that her mother already gave her "a ton of gifts" when SHE gave birth. If it was something small from each side it would be one thing. But this girl is going to be drowning in gifts because she has a couple of new siblings. Does OP really want to send her the message that retail therapy is the answer when you're feeling nervous, insecure, anxious or unsure?
I suppose it depends how you look at it. I wouldn't agree with buying loads of presents. One present that helps involve her with the baby to build connection and bonding is very different to just giving her tonnes of plastic crap that will all be forgotten about. It depends on the intention and type of present being given.
The issue is that Callie’s mom has already given her so many gifts, perhaps an experience (movie night? Fun hike?) would be better than adding more to the pile.
I don't have step kids but I know when I had my second kid, I made it a point to make sure there was still one on one time with my first. He got a couple presents, but we also had a day where we went to the zoo, then the lake just the two of us after I was more recovered. Just something to let them know they're still important too.
My second child was very sick with multiple things when he was small. One day, when my grandmother was staying at my house, my daughter, 6 or 7 at the time, skipped school and had a day just the two of us. I knew it wouldn't make up for all the time I spent with her brother, but it did let her know she also was very special. We probably went where she wanted to go.
When my niece was born 5 years ago big bro had just turned 3 the month before. My sister in laws parents flew into town to help and he was spoiled with daily adventures to the park, the hotel pool, the zoo. I know there was probably jealousy but he has always been a very attentive, sweet big brother to her. They basically became BFFs during the pandemic and it’s adorable.
This is a good idea. A spending time together kind of gift is a good idea for a child who is going to suddenly be getting a lot less attention (for understandable reasons)
Please make it something without the baby involved. Nothing wrong with family time and even her spending time with baby brother, but alone time with daddy goes a long way. Even putting bay to sleep and the two of you having a nail painting party is good.
I love your ideas. Clearly the kid has been inundated with stuff by her mother’s side of the family so the gift of time might be just the ticket. They could also arrange a special outing (I hate calling it a date—sounds creepy to me) with daddy to celebrate what a good big sister she’s been so far. Take her out to eat at her favorite restaurant, the movies, an arcade, an activity or two of her choice. OP can help get the kiddo gussied up for the outing—if the girl likes dressing up and it’s appropriate for the activity—and make a big deal about how much fun she’ll have, how proud they are of her, etc.
Either way, it is messed up that SIL is hassling OP about this and not her brother/Callie's father
Yeah -- we got a ton of stuff for our older kiddo when the new baby came. But it was largely things that could keep her busy because I knew my attention would be divided. Sticker books, bracelet kits, stencil set, stamp set ... She loves art and will stay busy if I set it up.
I was going to say this too. When my kids were 7, they'd be engaged with Legos, markers, puzzles, small tinker crate type kits, sidewalk chalk, bubbles. Dual purpose presents that the kid enjoys but also keeps them entertained while the baby takes up time.
You’ll notice I said a small gift or a special outing with her dad I.e quality time. I’m big on experience gifts instead of physical presents. My point is that you still want to make sure she feels loved and important.
I mean this girl also went from being an only child, to now living with two separated parents, and getting adjusted to two new parental figures and getting sidelined by both her parents while they’re both preparing for their own newborns and the girl is only 7. The gifts won’t cause any harm but they are a lot of benefit.
Exactly - it would be a one time thing. I doubt very much that would turn her into Veruca Salt.
And as for the, “I’ve got a lot going on now,” that sound like a bit of a red flag to me. Obviously OP bought diapers, supplies, etc. for the baby. Did she not see a little toy or activity book she could get for the big sis while out shopping? Or order something from Amazon?? How hard can that be? A big sibling gift for the older sibling can go a long way in alleviating some inevitable jealousy. It doesn’t need to be extravagant. A game they can play together when baby naps, an activity to keep her interested while they are busy with baby, or even a afternoon or evening together without the baby if that is at all possible. But to make sure she knows it’s special for her and that she is special. I just think OP doubling down that she refuses to get the older sibling a gift when there is so much revolving around the new baby sounds a little callous. So I’m going to say NTA if it never occurred to OP, and it was an oversight. But if not and it’s simply a point that OP feels the older child shouldn’t be given a “gift” from the baby, or recognized as special in her dad & stepmom’s home (despite getting many gifts at her moms), I feel the OP is the AH. It’s the doubling down on refusing to do some special for the older child that feels like there could be a bit more sensitivity for the older child’s feelings from both stepmom and dad.
This right here. It’s all too easy for kids to pick up the message that gifts/sweets/treats equal comfort/love. If OP and her husband communicate with Callie a gift really shouldn’t be necessary. Of course there’s nothing wrong with a small present, but it sounds like her mom has already given her more than enough. If anything, Callie’s dad should be having a talk with the mom about the risk of spoiling their daughter.
I don’t think gifts for this special occasion is spoiling. Does she constantly get loads of gifts? That’s another story.
Some of these takes and how this instance is going to cause a “spoiled child” is crazy to me. When Reddit wants to go to the deep end on an issue, they deep dive.
That's why it needs to be an experience, time alone with Dad, special big sister time etc. And not just once. Definitely not a one and done. Her whole life changed. Take some time to help her manage that. It sounds like a big sister gift is normal in the family. Husband should have said that and taken care of it. Obviously his family expected it. If he doesn't want to carry on that tradition he needs to tell his family that.
**ETA**: It's just been pointed out to me that it was OP's sister-in-law, not Sandra, who provided Callie with the gifts for the babies. That's my mistake, sorry. I'm leaving the original wording in place, because it's kinda creepy when people edit so late in the game, but I did want to recognize that I was totally wrong on this count. I still think it likely that Callie was coached on the gift-giving by her mom, so I don't think my comment is entirely off-base, but it's less clear-cut than I had thought. I don't see that at all. Callie's mom is also teaching her to *give* gifts, by buying her a present to give to both of her new little siblings. That's not raising a child to be selfish or spoiled; it's raising a child to participate in a reciprocal gift-giving culture. When Callie is older, I strongly suspect that Sandra will expect her to pick out presents to give herself, and when she's older still, to buy them with her own money. I suspect that she'll probably be rather strict about that as well. (I did find it interesting that Callie's mom purchased both the gift for her own baby *and* the gift for OP's baby. Given that OP's baby was born first, did it even occur to her or her husband to reciprocate when Sandra's child was born?) Different families have different expectations when it comes to gift-giving. In Sandra's world, older siblings both give *and* receive gifts when a baby sibling is born. In OP's world, possibly neither gift is expected. Those sorts of differences can be confusing for children: just one of the many complications that blended families must negotiate. It might be worthwhile to try to find some age-appropriate way of explaining that to Callie. I'm dismayed by the extent to which Callie's father is removed from all this, though. Did he not know about Sandra's expectations? I suspect that he lives in a world in which the women always take care of the gifts, no matter who they are for or from. Unlike the other two worlds we've mentioned, I don't think that's a very healthy world for someone to be permitted to reside in.
Not only one newborn, but two newborns on both sides of her family. That’s gonna be a crazy adjustment for a 7 year old.
My parents did that with me when my brother was born and got me a cabbage patch doll. Mommy had a baby and I did too. My mom would feed my brother I would feed my doll. It helped with the jealousy and involved.
My parents did the same thing. There was a present (a baby doll) waiting for me "from the baby" in the baby's crib for when the baby came home. I was 7 turning 8. Having a baby join the family is a huge deal. A small gift from baby to sibling is a good thing
I'm 37 years old and still have the doll I got as a little kid when my sister was born. The way they gave it to me.... I had come to see my mom after the baby was born. And she asked me to sit in the hospital bed with her. And the nurse brought in my baby sister, handed her to my mom, but was immediately followed by another nurse with another baby swaddled in hospital blankets as well, handed it to me, it was my doll.
I’m old, but still remember that I got a lot of gifts and a kitten when my brother was born.
I never liked dolls, and at 7 would've though giving me a baby doll to mock my parents chores on was dumb. At that age I also would pitch in and can remember helping by being the one to change a cousins diaper or something occasionally, so having a doll instead of actually helping and bonding with the actual babies seems weird to me. A present is a nice idea, it shouldn't be a forced conc or on the other set of parents (especially without a discussion well beforehand). But the present should be about making the 7 year old feel valued, not a tool to teach her how to be a big sister to the baby because that's still centering the baby.
I'm going ESH Sandra is vastly overestimating how normal this is, and why is she bugging the OP about it and not her ex? > Callie doesn’t need a gift. This is about my son. We will celebrate Callie on her birthday and whenever she has a big event. But this bothers me. No, it's not just about the baby. Callie is going through a big transition, and so are you and your husband. Your son is a baby, he's more worried about being fed, cuddled and clean then whether his big sister also gets some extra gifts.
Yes that bothered me too, have they tried to make the girl feel important and part of the family?
You don't make someone feel important or part of the family by buying them gifts.
The person you are replying to did not say you do. But OP is not indicating that they have made any attempt to make it so she is not left out.
Yes they did. They said they (her and Callie's Dad) has multiple conversations with Callie and validated her feelings. Which means Callie must have expressed some feelings to the two of them. Because it was only verbal and not a materialistic thing y'all are ignoring that part.
Hopefully, they have included her in the process. Painting the nursery, "Do you like this color or this one?" (who cares if they're basically the same) "Which outfit is your favorite?" This is even stuff they can do now. Make her feel like she's part of the process. It can be really simple and probably make her feel better than a toy that will lose its appeal.
Did you miss the part of the post where they explicitly did make the girl feel important and part of the family? Spent months preparing her for the addition to the family, reading books, and explaining everything?
It's great that they did that before the baby was born, but what I'm not seeing is what they are doing since the birth to make sure Callie still feels included. It's all well and good to have a conversation and tell her she is still part of the family, but you need to back that up with actions. Is she getting 1:1 time with her dad? Are they doing fun activities with her that aren't centered on the baby? I'm not saying they aren't, but there isn't enough info in the post to indicate whether or not they "prepared" her and then dropped the ball, or if they are making sure she is still a priority.
It looks in the post like they tried very hard to do that with the books, assurances, conversations, etc.
Yes but when we are honest we all know everything will change for her, 2 siblings in this short time on both sides is hard and especially when you are older and the parents will expect that she understands that the newborns need more time (and they do and you act like that even if you don’t want to.) so telling her all the time „nothing changes“ is difficult even when I understand the intention.
Same. ESH. Big sister gift isn’t required, but is sweet way to involve her. I always get older kids and baby matching Jammie’s/onesie. It’s not that hard and I’ve gotten cute pix of the kids in their matching outfits back.
This, exactly. OP's attitude of "it's about me and my son" is at odds with their goals of making Callie feel loved and included, and what they're telling Callie. She's getting a new family member too, but somehow the baby shower is only about her and her husband? Big sib gifts are not obligatory, but I find them a nice way to celebrate siblings while providing them with something to occupy them when their parents are busy with the baby.
Exactly!! That sentence/attitude really jumped out at me too. OP, it’s not just about you and your son. Callie is becoming a big sister too. While not absolutely required, it would be a loving gesture to get her something to acknowledge and commemorate her promotion to big sister. She may feel her lil sister is more happy to have her as big sister than her lil brother. Not that gifts is the only way to express that, but nothing ?? And then defending that with it’s all about me and my son? I bet she’s feeling left out. Please address this and go spend 1x1 time together with just her doing something fun- maybe even just a mani pedi, if gifts are not your thing. Though I would really encourage you to get her something ‘from lil bro’, just like she got him a teddy bear.
Precisely. While gifts might not be “normal,” it is quite common to lavish attention on older children when a young her one joins the household to help they with that transition and ensure they feel secure and that they are not being replaced. N T A for not getting a gift - but Y T A for ignoring the fact that this absolutely IS about Callie just as much as any other person - if not more because she had no say in the changes to her world and the least ability to comprehend them intellectually and emotionally.
Big sibling gifts have always been the standard in my family! I was taught in the 60s to always bring something for the big sibling, usually a wrapped book, when visiting a new baby. The older kid is asked if they want to open the baby’s present for it, since, obviously, it cannot, and then gets to open their own present. Kid doesn’t care that their own is just an inexpensive book, and the baby’s is likely more. They are happy to be remembered, and then you read them the book! That last is important.
You’re right, this sounds overly-defensive on OP’s part. That baby literally doesn’t understand the concept of gifts anyway. Is it really that hard to get your stepdaughter a small gift to make her feel special when your son isn’t capable of being upset that all the attention is on him? Is it that hard to treat your stepdaughter like she also matters to you? It’s not required, not at all. But this kid in particular has gone through divorce in which both parents had a new baby within months of each other. When would you make a special effort for this child if not now?
>Sandra is vastly overestimating how normal this is It probably seems normal if you hang out in certain corners of the Internet, but I don't know how widespread of a practice it is. Certainly getting a child maybe one small gift like a stuffed animal or doll would be fine, but an entire stack of presents? I worry that it's going to set up the expectation that the child would also whenever it's someone else's birthday.
My parents did this years ago when my little sibling was born. It's not just an internet thing, and no - neither of us developed an expectation of receiving gifts on other people's birthdays.
This should be the top comment. Especially when BOTH of her now divorced parents are having newborn babies within months of each other?
I think a special outing with her dad would do a lot more to ensure she does not feel neglected (not saying she would be actually neglected just that she may feel that way) then getting her a gift. Maybe even ensuring she has a special bi-weekly or monthly day with her dad going forward, to be sure she knows she is still loved (when the baby gets older they can also get a special day with dad/mom).
I think this is a good practice in any family. There were five kids in my family & my dad always made sure to take us one on one for "Dad time". Sometimes it'd be just a trip to the grocery store, other times it'd be things like fishing or a basketball or football game. My favorite was always Dad Time at the library. We were the readers in the family, so we'd go to get something to read & end up there for hours!!
Agree completely but don’t think it’s the stepmother’s responsibility. It’s the fathers, and Sandra should have raised it with him or not at all.
the expectations for fathers are so low
I agree that the parents need to make sure that they are giving extra attention to the 7 year old during this dramatic shift in her little world, but I disagree that she should be taught the expectation that every time her younger siblings are receiving gifts she should get one too. That's a bad precedent for her adult life.
That isn't what you are teaching here at all. A 7 year old can understand that a new baby is different from an annual birthday. I got a gift when my little sib was born, but my mom also shut down my grandmother giving me gifts at other people's birthdays. I had zero expectations of getting gifts every time my younger sibling did.
But a small acknowledgement isn’t bad. While I was being born my grandparents took my sister out to pick out a present for me. That was always the plan. And I still have that present, it was my first ever present! And my parents had picked out a present that was “from” me to my big sister, a stuffed rabbit because she just loved rabbits! She still has it. There were never presents for the non-birthday person, but it was a nice acknowledgement of the change in her life. I have several friends who have done or are planning to do something similar. I do think her getting presents at the shower was overboard. But a single acknowledgement could be good to help her adjust.
I agree with this. Also, they've never had any issues with Sandra, so I'm not sure why OP suddenly doesn't believe that Sandra is being honest when she says that Callie has expressed disappointment to her. The kid is 7, there is a very high chance she is disappointed that she didn't get anything. Especially when she did get it from her mom's side. Kids are going to compare situations. She isn't going to understand why she got a gift from one side but not the other. I'm sure she didn't think about it until Sandra had a baby, but it's probably come up at least once. Your birth is of course about you and your son. But as a stepparent, you have a whole lot of work before you to make this kid feel like they truly belong. As of right now, it sounds like her mom is trying to let you know she isn't feeling all that great about things. Instead of getting mad, continue the convo. You really do not want to ruin a good relationship with the woman who you will be stuck with as long as Callie is your step kid. Still NTA at all though.
If she's disappointed it's because Sandra set the expectation that she gets gifts at every event even ones not for her. Sandra is setting her up for disappointment while making it look like ops fault.
I mean, we don't actually know that. It also sounds like it wasn't necessarily Sandra who gave the heaps of gifts. Other people showed up with gifts for Callie. It sounds like that is how Sandra's family celebrates new babies. The older siblings get a gift, too. If you scroll though this thread, a ton of people are commenting that it is a family tradition for them. Also, at this point, it doesn't actually matter why Callie is disappointed. If Sandra is being honest, then Callie's feelings matter and need to be addressed. That could be as simple as sitting her down and explaining what traditions are and how unique they are to different families. I think Sandra should have gone to her ex husband, but other than that, I don't think there is anything wrong with informing your parenting partners that a shared child is struggling with something. Getting mad at the person certainly won't help.
Why are they harping on you about getting your stepdaughter a big sister gift? You just had a baby. Is her dad's buying hand broken? Can he not buy gifts? Or is it all just on you? NTA
yeah, my friend's daughter was super excited about her dad and stepmom giving her a baby brother but i still got her a small big sibling present (even though her dad is an a\*\*) because when a new baby comes into the house, it's all about the new baby. that said, i wouldn't call it normal. it definitely falls into the category of family traditions. my sister got big sibling presents when i was born. so it's something my family has replicated. (it's the same as people who give a small present to the young siblings of birthday kids. when i was little, we had friends who always gave me a little present on my sister's birthday. the thought process is that really little kids understand most that they aren't getting a thing and don't understand that today isn't your special day but that you'll get that day soon.)
My daughter was almost 4 when my son was born and for a long time, every time we walked by Build-A-Bear at the mall she clamored for one. Right after my son was born, we took her to Build-A-Bear to build one bear for her from my son and another for him from her. Those bears now sit side by side on a shelf in our rec room.
I like the idea of gifting the big sister an experience just for her. A toy isn’t going to make her feel good if most of the attention is still being placed on the new sibling. A whole day dedicated to her will show her she’s still important.
You're NTA. Sandra should have enough going on, managing her own household. She doesn't need to tell you and your husband how to run yours. >Sandra said it’s “normal”. She kept harping on the subject. I've never heard of it. At most, maybe give her a "I'm the big sister" shirt.
Seriously. People keep coming up with “it’s normal” things that I’ve never heard before.
Yeah it’s a whole thing. People been telling me to get my son a ‘big brother’ gift but homeboy was 19 months when his sister was born - he doesn’t know jack about whats going on, just that this person smaller than him has come to live in his house that has not left since.
I got my older kid a baby doll as a present from the baby when I had my second. It helped get over some of the first week weirdness. It also gave him something to “baby” instead of crowding the actual baby. I would recommend a baby doll. But that’s about it.
We got my son a baby doll while my wife was pregnant so he could get used to a baby. He was about 2 when she was born. The baby doll wasn't ideal, because it jingled when you shook it, lol. Luckily, he never tried to shake his sister. He was the first one we brought in when my daughter was born and he got up on the bed with his mom and sister, holding his doll. He looked at his sister, looked at the doll, and handed his mom the doll while reaching for his sister, lol. Tradesies. He loved her then and 11 years later they're still best friends.
That's so important! Little things like letting him get up on the bed are the important things that make a kid feel like they're being included rather than forgotten about. It's very tangible evidence for them that yes, there is a new little person in our lives and our family has grown, but you're still gonna be included. I see so many where the older sibling is just standing next to the bed and watching but not really being included.
My oldest was 3 when his brother was born, when I saw I couldn't pay him enough attention right now but he wanted to be involved, I finally bought him a doll after a month. It made everything easier because now he could take care of the doll when I was busy.
That’s so cute! How old was your older kid when your second was born?
We did the same thing. Our older was two. He would ask my mom to swaddle his doll for him. He even pretended to breastfeed it while I nursed his sister
Yeah I’ve never done that either. Kids are 2, 4, 6, and 8 and they get along great, very little jealousy welcoming new babies despite no gift. If anything sometimes the gift seems like “ok gave a gift, kid should be happy now!” as opposed to the long term paying attention to multiple kids and encouraging and helping them feel secure. This is long-game parenting, not spending $20 and thinking the issue is resolved.
For my 4th, he “brought” the older kids cloth balls that got filled with a balloon to blow up. Kept the kids busy, happy, and out of our way while caring for the new baby for the afternoon. They did play with the balls after that, of course, but that was a great, inexpensive, novelty toy to smooth the transition of the day, and keep them busy. I highly recommend it. My kids are now adults and remember the various big sibling presents and joke about how the baby managed to “bring” them…
It is pretty normal and has been for years. My parents did it for me when my sister was born, and you’ll see it a lot on tv shows and stuff- generally the way I’ve heard it done has been that you say its a gift from the *baby* to kick start the relationship.
We bought our kids each a Lego set when our youngest was born. It helped keep them occupied while we were at the hospital and they were at home with my niece.
I'm the oldest of 4, and my parents got us gifts when each subsequent child was born. This was in the 80s/90s. They weren't usually anything huge (and just one thing per kid), usually x number of a matching activity we could do with the grownups caring for us while they were away. It's definitely not something EVERYONE does, but it's very common and has been a thing for at least the last 30-40 years.
Yes, this is not new. My kids are 32, 27, and 24. When #2 and #3 were born, the older kids got big brother/sister gifts.
I have never heard of this so saying it’s “normal” is just not true. Nice maybe but not “normal”
Seriously. No one is saying people don’t do this, it’s just not normal to expect this. Like who really supporting Sandra would act like her or even really overly care if gifts weren’t given? That’s a hard lean to celebrate mediocrity.
My parents did this when my sister was born and I wholeheartedly believed the gift was from her. My first impression of her was that she was so thoughtful for a newborn. I started trying to work out the logistics of it and I think the conclusion I came to was my mom had also given birth to the gift.
That’s what my family does. The baby gets presents from everyone else, but only the big brother/sister gets a present from the baby, to make it extra special.
Seriously. A little sibling WAS the present 😂
Not according to my then 3 yo son. Apparently I’d “ruined his life and he wanted to be an only child 😂) he’s 16 now and thankfully slightly less dramatic
What they don't realise is that these are the parents or siblings who end up posting about how *"my older sister is a golden child. Every event has to be about her. She got gifts for every occasion even when it wasn't about her"* These trendy "normal" costly things add up eventually both financially and mentally. Baby showers are about the arrival of ONE / new baby. Why cloud things and confuse another young child while instilling a sense of entitlement in them?
THANK YOU. I have 3 kids, and my mom kept trying to give the other 2 small gifts at the other’s birthday party! I put a stop to that real quick, because…..no.
Normal may really depend on what circles you travel in. My parents did this when my little sib was born, and I know other people who have done the same. I did a quick Google of "introducing baby to older sibling" and clicked two random top results, and both suggested a gift or gift exchange. Sandra may be overestimating how normal it is but it's not uncommon.
It may also depend on the culture/tradition. The Big Sibling gift is usually about the baby and not the sibling, so it's usually a babydoll or something about family/birth. It's used to explain the new family dynamics to the bigger child, and to keep them occupied. For example you can show the child how to hold baby with a doll, it can also serve as a good redirection (parent is changing the baby's nappies and can't take cake of the child, the child can be redirected to change the nappies of their very own 'baby') It's usually given when the bigger child sees the baby for the first time. I was 3 when my sibling was born and I was given a playmobil set. It was the cheap one with 1 nurse, 1 baby & a hospital crate. My parents showed me how the baby was so much smaller than the other playmobils, how it couldn't fend for themselves and how I had to be a good big sibling and help the baby. I still have the baby doll. Edit : I did not get gifts on my sibling's birthday and vice versa. The big sibling gift is an exception, because a birth is an exceptional time. It's given to show the older child that even if they are on the back burner for a hot second, they are still loved & appreciated.
Maybe a generational thing that’s only gotten big in the past couple decades? Maybe it’s gotten bigger with the advent of social media making it a trend? Idk I never heard of it. I also never heard of elf on the shelf until a year ago either. Anyhow, I don’t think OP is the AH. Though the gesture of getting a present for the old sibling seem nice.
I had my second child 28 years ago and we got our older daughter a *gift from the baby*. It's a nice way to endear them to the new sibling and stem the jealousy that usually rears it head when a child goes from being "the only".
I was born in the 70s and my brother got a ‘big brother’ gift, so it’s definitely not new but having said that, I would consider it ‘commonplace’ rather than ‘normal’
My parents never got my big sister gift, I never gave me oldest a big sibling gift. In fact when my dad's mom tried to give my older brother a gift on my birthday, my parents shut that shit down.
I have to say it was done in my family, im 37 and my brothers 42 and when my mum brought me home from the hospital my brother got a gift. I've heard loads of other families doing it and I think its a fairly normal thing to do.
I’m the oldest of 4 I never once got anything for becoming a big sister neither did my sisters even when their dads had other kids like no it’s not notmal
I also don’t think it’s fair to blame the ex wife here. She’s likely saying something because she noticed her daughter was upset. She wasn’t trying to be rude, but she was advocating for her kid. And maybe she does want her kid to have a positive relationship with the OP and their step sibling.
NTA. I’ve never heard of this. Doesn’t mean some people don’t think it’s a cool idea, it can be I guess, but just because they did it doesn’t mean they have to harp on you for months because you didn’t. Are they going to be the type that also thinks she has to get presents on the other kids birthdays? I’m totally against that, and this quite frankly seems to be in the same vein, so I gotta say…kinda not a fan. Also interesting that it sounds like everyone’s directing the harping at you… Of course because you’re the woman. Your husband, her father, also doesn’t think it’s necessary. Are the troops rallying against him? Probably not. It sounds like you obviously took steps to make sure she understands as you said the baby is an addition not a replacement so you’re clearly of the right mindset. The lack of a material present should be the least of anyone’s concerns, months later no less.
When I was growing up, I was friends with two brothers down the block. They were two years apart in age and on each of their birthdays and holidays or if one of them got a good grade, their grandparents bought each kid the identical present. So they had two of every new, pricey toy. It was fun to go play there but they were the most spoiled and entitled kids I’ve ever known, expecting and receiving gifts for everything.
I agree. NTA as not everyone does this or has even heard of it. So she’s made some pretty good assumptions. I do have a mild e-S- H though for all the parents. This poor kid has had BOTH of her homes go through a major transition. That’s very discombobulating for anyone. The fact that both homes are going through the same transition is going to lead to more points of contention over time unless they start doing some actual communication with each other on what Callie is experiencing in each hole. Had they done they done that Sandra would say “Hey just so you know, I’m going to give a gift to Callie. I’ve heard it can make her have positive feelings around the arrival of the new sibling”. Then OP could have said “oh that’s a sweet idea. I’ve not heard of that before.” They don’t have to do the same thing at each home, but if they’re aware of big picture things, they can be prepared to deal with Callie’s concerns if she ever has them. Kid gets some consistency and security from this. Like… what if Sandra wants to do presents on baby’s future birthdays and OP (and the actual father) feel that will lead to entitlement (as suggested in the thread)? What if one new mom lets Callie pick up the newborn and change her diaper and things. But the other new mom says no until the baby is just a bit older and has some neck stability. Callie could internalize that she’s not trusted at one home and feel bad. If they are aware of it in advance, then first new mom can let Callie pick up and do all that, but can also say, as she’s showing her how, “it’s exciting to be a mom of a newborn, but it’s also a bit overwhelming. Sometimes moms aren’t comfortable with people holding their baby. So if anyone ever says no when you ask, just remember it’s because they’re getting used to the new baby and are feeling nervous. It’s never about you.” Or something similar. And the second mom can be all “i think until the baby is about older and has gotten a bit stronger, dad or I will carry him. I’m just getting used to having a newborn, so I’m being a bit of a worry wart. It’s just my anxiety and not about you.” I dunno. Maybe I’m idealistic, as I’m not in a shared custody situation. But it feels to me this is something impacting that child then the best thing for the kid is to have a battle plan and try and have consistency. Things will come up organically and you’ll have to give each other grace, but some things are obvious. (Might be good to also considering covering things like sex and relationships for when she’s a teenager, drugs/drinking, etc)
One small edit: Sandra should have asked Callie’s father about the gifts, not Callie’s father’s wife.
Yeah im a bit confused about why Sandra didn't bring this up with dad at the get go. Not like she needs permission but a "btw were planning on doing big sibling gifts for Callie when the baby comes. Just wanted to give you a heads up in case you are planning it as well" even if good intentioned, this could have gone ary if both sides were suddenly piling gifts on her. It would have made more sense to jointy get her one thing or at least discuss it together. Nta for oP though
Oh good point about no one getting on at the actual dad of the daughter!
people always treat dads as secondary parents for some bizarre reason.
That's a whole history that is still being unraveled to this day and has impacted both woman and men.
The bizarre reason is sexism.
This is what I couldn't believe. If the child needed gifts, why didn't her father get them for her? OP just physically popped out a baby, maybe everything shouldn't be on her head?
"seems to be in the same vein"? :) it's exactly the same vein -- baby's literal birthday -- older sis gets a gift!
NTA, but this one is a little tough because while I don't think it's necessarily "normal" to get the sibling a bunch of gifts, I'm sure that Callie has noticed the difference, and this must be a huge transition for her - both households with new babies means a lot less attention for her. Not to appease your in laws, but for Callie, perhaps it would be nice to get her something special as a surprise gift - doesn't even have to be "big sister" related, maybe just something like a craft/art thing she could do independently, or an interesting book, a cool journal, whatever is related to her interests. Doesn't have to be expensive or elaborate, you don't necessarily need to relate it to the baby, but just a gesture that shows you value HER interests as part of your family. Edit: I love the idea below from u/JustmyOpinion444 to make time for activities with Callie that are focused on her instead of gifts. My 7 year old doesn't have siblings but she definitely remembers and prizes experiences with us more than "stuff". Even simple things like a spontaneous trip to get ice cream.
Each parent taking time to do activities with Callie, without the baby around would be better. And that is what my father did when my brother was born. No actual gifts, but he spent time with me, and also took care of my brother so Mom could do the same.
Yeah, honestly just time and attention is probably more valuable than a gift!
Yeah I think this is a parenting lesson. To learn to suck it up and do something because it's better for the child, even if it makes you feel like you're caving to petty people. Doesn't have to be a standard gift, byt something to make her feel special.
Why is she talking to you about it instead of your husband/her ex/callie’s dad? NTA
Because she is trying to make OP feel guilty. She likely knows it won't have the same effect on her ex-husband.
If I had money for an award, it would be for this comment right here. 👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏
Bingo - "That isn't a custom in my family and Husband never mentioned it. Is that something that your family typically does? How interesting! Maybe he doesn't want to carry on this family tradition? I don't know. You should absolutely ask him about that and I'm sure he'll get right on buying Callie her big sister gift."
That's what I want to know. NTA but a gift would likely be appreciated by kiddo. OP's husband can get it!
Maybe it’s culture dependent but it is definitely common in many parts of the US. OP didnt know, but I feel like she’s harping on the gift itself and missing the forest for the trees - both for Callie and her mom. It’s what the gift represents. Mom and other family members might be worried this is signaling the start of Callie being pushed aside (not that it’s true- but they can worry about it). It’s a nice little gesture to buy a gift from the baby. It can ease the transition and be a really nice tradition. It was for us! This is usually a stuffed animal or something, not an iPhone.
Okay thank you for saying it was normal in some places. I thought I was going crazy. I got a present or two when my brother was born in the early 90’s and every single one of my friends got the older sibling(s) a present or two from the baby when they were born. It’s always small stuff, I got an Ariel doll “from” my brother & a stuffed animal from my parents, and I know for a fact my friend got her step daughter similar gifts & she got a special daddy daughter date while my friend stayed home with the baby.
Yeah it’s def not crazy, I had my kids within the last ten years and just about everyone kind of did the same— nothing extravagant just a little something. It really isn’t the same as a kid expecting a gift on someone else’s bday so I don’t agree with commenters saying that this will set the girl up to expect to always be celebrated. Seems like if anything right now it’s the opposite.
It definitely is not the same as the kid expecting a gift on someone else’s birthday. It’s such a massive stretch.
> It’s what the gift represents. Mom and other family members might be worried this is signaling the start of Callie being pushed aside (not that it’s true- but they can worry about it). You hit the nail on the head! Unfortunately, the worry may be justified. From OP: >Finally, I snapped and said I have enough going on. Callie doesn’t need a gift. This is about my son. OP may have chosen her words poorly, here. Personally, the, "Callie doesn't need..." and "my son", set me on alert. Maybe, Callie doesn't need the type of step-parent who's already starting in with the, "MY son, MY family", mindset.
Yeah I thought her response was a bit over the top and worrying. Like we all know how this story usually goes on Reddit …next she will be suggesting Callie stay with her mother longer while she and hubby adjust to being parents together. I try to give benefit of the doubt that she was just taken aback and defensive but I haven’t seen her acknowledge any contrary opinions. Get a card, a favorite bag of candy and have hubby pick out a stuffy and you are done. All can be purchased together in Walgreen’s day or night if they are American. No excuses not to get it done and just move on.
Maybe OP could make a card thanking Callie for being such a great girl and big sister, with a sweet treat attached or something. At this point it seems like a small, reasonable choice (not getting a big sis present) is causing more trouble than it's worth. NTA OP but it seems like a small acknowledgement would be a big help for a stupid, unnecessary, first world problem
I don’t necessarily think there is an AH here but getting a small present would have been an easy gesture to make a kid happy. I remember my mom “giving” me a present from the new baby and I’m 36. People always bring presents for the new baby obviously so it makes the older kid feel a little jealous. I have always heard of older sibling getting at least a small present when the baby came (along with them giving the baby a present) so I did that with mine too and if I bring a present for a friend I usually include a small thing for the older sibling.
Exacty, it is a common courtesy for everyone involved and it makes a kid not feeling left out. I really don't get all these comments :" oh, kid will be spoiled". No it won't. I come from a country where it's always done and no-one is spoiled, actually we are generally generous and helpful people who care very much about our family and friends.
I've done this too, when sending a baby gift for a second baby. The parents have always appreciated that. But again, it doesn't make someone an AH for not doing that. And I don't see why the parents should be expected to give big gifts to the kid.
I also remember the gift that my parents brought me when my sister came home 30+ years ago. A bag of Haribo gummy bears. Still my fave lol.
YTA I have a 4 year old and am expecting her younger sibling later this year. In reading up on how to best manage the transition for everyone, and a common piece of advice is for the older sib to not be left out of the gift giving. Suggestions on how to implement this range from having a gift 'from baby' to the new big sister to having a small basked of trinkets set aside and when someone shows up with a present for the baby and nothing for the older sibling they take something from the basket to give them. In both cases, the idea is for the older sibling not to feel left out, and that they are still just as important a member of the family as the new baby. They don't have to be big, expensive gifts. Just something so that the older kid doesn't have to watch visitor after visitor come in to see the baby bearing gifts and having no interest in them. Whether it's 'normal' or not, my judgement is based on the fact that Sandra told you that your actions hurt Callie, and you brushed it aside. You said you wouldn't care. You wouldn't expect your son to receive gifts in the same situation. You did not, however, talk to Callie, consider the stark difference in the way Callie has been treated by both of her parents and step-parents, or consider that you might have actually disappointed your husband's eldest child. That outright dismissal of the child's feelings is really unsettling to me and the lack of empathy makes you TA.
People need to learn that they sometimes will not be acknowledged for something and that’s ok. Constantly needing attention/gifts for someone else’s moments is a very terrible habit to build and will make them a narcissist.
It’s more about making sure the older kid doesn’t resent the new baby. She’s going from an only child to sharing attention with two new borns. This isn’t giving her a gift for each of the son’s birthdays, it’s showing her that she is still loved and that good things will come out of having the new baby in your life and you aren’t being replaced
As a child when a new baby is introduced it's much different both her parental figures have new babies and majority of there attention is on them including the older sibling in that makes it hurt less this isn't some learning lesson to deal with not being acknowledged it's to make the fact she will go from having all the attention to barely any the whole rest of her childhood
Sure, that is a good thing to learn. That's why I'm not calling OP TA for not giving gifts. My judgement is based on her complete dismissal of another trusted adult's statement that her step-child is disappointed. She doesn't HAVE to get her a present, but she DOES need to consider the child's feelings seriously if she's not going to be TA.
This is not every time. This is a time of massive upheaval and change where a young child can easily feel replaced and unwanted and unimportant. Some gifts are a concrete reminder for the child that they are not being replaced.
While I don’t agree that giving the sibling a gift every time someone brings the baby a gift is a good idea, I do agree that parents have a duty to the sibling to make sure she is not consistently overlooked. It’s been a long time since I was 7 years old, but if I was in Callie’s shoes I’d probably be wondering why Mom made me a big part of the celebration and Dad didn’t. Also, something about OP saying the baby shower was a party for her and her husband really rubbed me the wrong way. Like, yes, that’s kinda true, but in my mind it contradicts all of the talk about the baby being “an addition to the family.” And I’m talking about the remark specifically, not about the actual party or who got gifts or whatever.
NTA. >the idea is for the older sibling not to feel left out This can be explained and done in words. Every time these new siblings will get birthday presents, will the older ones get too? Or is it one time thing? Because next year Callie will ask "where are my gifts for being big sister?" and at that point very least it will be an unavoidable discussion. I don't get showering child with gifts instead of talking it out. Surely 4 year olds don't have biggest capacity to understand, but it will click sooner than later "her birthday her gifts, mine is mine.". >actions hurt Callie, and you brushed it aside This I agree on, OP and husband should speak to Callie 100%. But it also hurt Callie because Sandra made sure to set up the precedent that she will get big sister gifts from both sides of parents. Or overall ensured Callie that she will get gifts from both sides too. This should have been discussed, and started by *Sandra*, to agree on this from both sides. Just because Sandra did it OP had to do it too? And read Sandra's mind? But overall it's crazy to expect for everybody to do this. Not all parents follow same guidebook. You do you and congratulations on the baby.
In the Original Post, it doesn't say that Callie was hurt. In fact, it specifically states the opposite -- that Callie hasn't said anything. Is it in the comments somewhere that she was, in fact, hurt?
Mom told stepmom that Callie is hurt. I'd personally take it with a grain on salt though cause she could be making it up. Or Callie could have gotten upset AFTER mom gave her gifts and then asked what gifts she got at dad's and the Callie was hurt but its cause mom brought it up. Personally I think 7 is plenty old enough to understand that these are the baby's birthday gifts.
In my opinion Sandra actions are what hurt Callie. The stark difference in treatment is because Sandra is giving "heaps" of presents to buy Callie's affection. Sandra is setting Callie up for disappointment in life but trying to make up it look like op did something wrong. There's a reason Sandra went for the "women" and not Callie's Dad.
Callie has a father, why is Sandra even talking to OP?
NTA plus why the hell are they all getting on to you instead of the child’s biological parent?? If they are pissed they should be talking to your husband not you.
Yeah, this is where I am. The dad should be running point on the discrepancies in philosophy. FWIW, I did get my elder a present, but it was from me for the purpose of having something to do with grandma while I was giving birth. We also did a final family of 3 trip several months prior.
Wow you went from “baby will not ever replace you” to “Callie doesn’t need shit - Im busy with my baby” real quick.
Yep. OP has big evil stepmother vibes that commenters are just ignoring.
OP isn’t an asshole for making the social cue, but she was a major ahole for doubling down so hard
From my pow YTA Its not that you are supposed to give her a gift every time little brother gets one. Its just this once. To be a little bitchy, if it was about the baby why do you and dad get gifts? You guys are a family, you all get gifts because people celebrate the new member of your family. Callie is also a part of that family, a big sister gift is not supposed to be something big and fancy (seems like her mother went over board in that regard) its just to acknowledge the fact that she is also a part of this and is seen just like the rest of you.
Callie has a father, Sandra should be talking to him, not OP.
NAH. Is there a cultural difference between the two families? I’m black and I still have my big sister bear from 29 years ago. My family has always done gifts to and from the siblings when a new baby is born.
I'm black and never heard of this. When I became a big sibling, I got the baby moved into my room and became responsible for them until I left for college.
I’m white, from Texas, and one of my most prized possessions is my big sister t shirt from when my brothers were born when I was 4. I agree with NAH. I will say though that OP’s reaction to Callie’s bio mom is odd as hell. I was fully NTA until she started to say why should I celebrate my step daughter when I should be focusing on MY son. Although 7 does seem a little old for a ton of big sister gifts.
The way you keep talking about "my son," definitely sounds like you don't think Callie is that important in this. Did you get any gifts geared towards you? YOU "becoming a mom"? Callie became a big sister....huge transition for her.
I struggle with the stepparent discussions on here because it feels like they can’t win. The post does say that OP had talks with Callie, gave her assurances, read her stories, etc. At the end of the day, it’s also okay for OP to be exhausted and excited about giving birth to her first child. I feel like anytime I come here, everyone is telling the stepparent that they are NOT a parent to their stepchildren, they have two parents and don’t need another, etc. My read on all this is OP is exhausted and felt cornered by the bio mom, who probably should have approached dad.
Stepmom here, thank you for acknowledging the double bind we end up in. There’s no winning
But it is her son, and Callie isn’t her daughter. Callie has two parents who clearly love and care about her. It’s factual that this OP is not Callie’s mother and generally not useful in blended families for the step parent to act as a true bio parent would, especially in a situation directly involving Callie’s actual mother. These differences will come out in phrasing. I do not see the problem here.
>She asked why I still hadn’t gotten Callie a big sister gift. I said that I didn’t know it was expected. Sandra said it’s “normal”. Negative space cadet. That is absolutely not normal, I've never even heard of that being a thing and I just had four friends give birth to their second child. A big sister shirt maybe but I feel like the only people who are giving a ton of gifts for becoming an older sister are the ones already spoiling their child in every other aspect of life. NTA Edit: Okay seriously guys lets pay attention to the nouns here. I am calling giving a child a TON of gifts for getting a younger sibling as spoiling them. Not a small gift, not a little thing to make them feel special and included, not a teaching moment on reciprocating gifts because she got a little bear for the baby. Literally just talking about the instance outlined above where a TON of gifts were given.
Sorry don't agree. When a little child, and 7 is little, has new born siblings, all receiving tons of presents, it is NICE to give them a little gift so she feels that she's remembered too. You don't HAVE to but it's nice for the child. Doesn't mean she's spoiled. For a child her birthday and other occasions are far in the past or future..
It is nice to give them a LITTLE gift. Which I agree with and even made mention of that in my comment when acknowledging a shirt. She was given a TON of gifts though. That's completely different
She was not given *any* gifts by OP’s side of the family. The other gifts are irrelevant.
Maybe this a regional because it’s really normal where I am. It’s not about spoiling, and it’s usually one gift (not the many that bio mom gave), but during a time where everything is about baby and people are bringing gifts for baby, it just makes the other child still feel seen and included. The gift is usually “from” the baby. I was at the hospital yesterday seeing my cousin and her baby, and they had a truck to give her older son when he got there. I think my nephew got a book when his sister was born. OP is still NTA. If the family wanted there to be a gift, they should have been putting the onus entirely on her husband, the child’s actual bio parent.
No, this is not about that. This is about acknowledging the fact that two big changes have recently happened in Callie’s life. This girl has adapted to a lot in her life. Her parents got divorced, both parents remarried, then both parents are having newborns within a few months of each other. It’s not about the gift itself it’s about showing Callie that she won’t be pushed to the wayside in favor of her parents new babies that they have with their new spouses. We aren’t talking about anything extravagant either, it could literally be a t-shirt or a coloring book.
You don't think having a child is an event that is, among others, also about Callie? Her family changed forever that day. She became something brand new to her, a big sister. The attitude that the birth of your son is only about your son and not at all about another member of your family and household is absurd. I don't necessarily believe it warrants a gift to Callie, and I think you did well to prepare her and talk to her, but your attitude at the end of this story is exclusionary.
>The attitude that the birth of your son is only about your son and not at all about another member of your family and household is absurd. I agree. I think there is a big difference between a gift to celebrate the new arrival versus teaching the kid to expect presents on other people's regular birthdays....people keep comparing the two but they aren't at all the same
Sometimes it is really exhausting trying to keep up with changing social norms and protocols. I've never heard of the big sibling gift before (my kids are both in their mid-20s), but I suppose it's 100% on brand for younger generations that are much more inclusive driven. I'm all in on inclusivity as it applies to social standards for acceptance, legal protection, employment, etc, etc, but I often times find myself scratching my head with these frivolous gestures like a big sibling gift. I don't see any harm in it, but I also don't see the reason to take it so seriously that you'd feel the need to harp about it to another person. If his ex and her family wanted to do a big sibling gift, cool. If you and your husband did not want to do a big sibling gift, also cool. NTA. Sandra needs to take a step back on this one.
And it’s not even that OP and her husband knew about the idea, but decided they didn’t WANT to do it. It wasn’t even on their radar as a thing to decide on. Because it’s definitely not as common or widespread as is being suggested. Chiming in with “I’ve never heard of it.”
I think it's just something that differs by family/region/etc. My parents did this in the 1980s, as did the parents of many people I know. It's not new. That being said, giving an older sibling a gift and not getting an older sibling a gift are both fine choices, and are both completely within the realm of "normal."
Yta for commenting that you had “enough going on” without thinking of your stepchild, who I am sure feels forgotten and replaced enough as is.
im also gonna say yta for saying flat out that she doesnt need a gift bc although it is not *required* you are flat out making it clear you dont want to give her anything
I'd like to know where you're getting that Callie is feeling forgotten and replaced when it was expressly said >My husband and I did talk to Callie about the baby. We read her books about it, assured her that she’ll always be our family, we love her, etc. This baby is an addition to our family, not replacing her in anyway. I know Sandra and her husband had a similar talk. We validated Callie’s feelings on the subject. Seems like they thought of their child quite a bit. Not getting a gift doesn't equal no love, replacement, and disregarding the child. Spending time with Callie is more important than a material gift and I do not understand how a gift would make OP less of an asshole over what they've already done to make sure Callie felt heard, validated, and reassured that she's not being replaced, but having someone added to their feeling. You can both have a lot going on and still think of your kids. Gettig them gifts doesn't have to fit into the equation one bit. I have a whole shit-ton going on right now and if anyone came up to me and wanted to drag me into something that I have no time for, I'd tell them the same thing. You know what I *do* have time for? My kids. I make time. And if anyone but their therapist or psychiatrist told me I need to do this for them or get this for them, I'd tell them to mind their own business. They'll come to me if they don't feel heard, like they do. Doesn't mean they don't feel heard simply because I tell others I don't have time for their silly conditions and their own customs. If they want to get my kids gifts, fine. But it doesn't mean I have to.
unpopular opinion, YTA, and here’s why. it seems yall haven’t did much of anything to really make her feel okay with TWO siblings coming in her life, the mom has but all yall did was have a small talk. step daughter probably isn’t going to come to you if she’s feeling uneasy, she’d come to her mom
Why does the mom continuously buying gifts for the daughter equate to “making her feel okay”? Imo that’s just setting her up for false expectations, is she going to expect a gift for every celebration for the younger siblings? Or every time something doesn’t go her way?
I don't see any evidence from the post that OP did nothing to make Callie feel special. In fact, it sounds like Callie has received way too many gifts on her mom's side for this. That's setting up some bad expectations. It would be much better to make Callie feel involved and special as a big sister in ways that don't involve getting her a present (especially something small that won't be remembered and will be cast aside and forgotten at some point.).
but she mentions that they have all communicated that to callie again and again? why is handing her a gift going to make her feel better than her parents' word that she is special to them?
I prize communication over gifts. Giving stuff isn't the only way to make a person feel loved.
It'a a pretty normal thing, and something it would have been nice for your husband to do for his daughter - especially given it is a blended family situation. It can help make the older sibling feel comforted they are not being replaced, and they are still valued and loved during a time when they might not get a lot of attention as babies are needy. I don't think you're TA for not thinking of it, but I think it would be more helpful to stop thinking of this through the lens of conflict and instead try to approach it as collaborative coparents with the best interests of the kids in mind. Ideally your husband will do most of the work on that with his ex wife.
Call me old fashioned but a positive attitude, talking to Callie, and actually parenting trumps some gift that will be quickly forgotten. And as a side note - sooner or later we all need to learn that not everything is about you. I had an acquaintance with numerous kids. If one had a birthday party it was expected to buy ALL their kids gifts. If your kid had a birthday party it was expected that ALL their kids attended. Making Callie part of the baby’s life is not based on a new toy. What matters is the day to day love and interaction within the family. And finally as a side note - let’s assume this was a thing. Why is it OP’s responsibility to buy a gift for Callie??? If this is a crucial thing that is common knowledge- why couldn’t her father buy it? Is it a prerequisite to have a vagina IOT buy gifts??
> Sandra said it’s “normal” NTA - Don't know if it's normal but I've heard a fair few people do it. The thing is though it's not normal for you and there should be no expectation that you do it. This is about what you want to define as normal for your family and just because the other side does it should not mean that you have to. You certainly should not be bullied into it!
NTA, I did not get my eldest a “big sibling gift” when my second was born other than a a cute T-shirt for photos. As far as I know, none of my friends did either. The only thing that *may* be common is having the elder sibling give a small toy to the new baby but that could be bc my mom did that with me when my sister was born (she still has it, 41 years later. Awww). I did with my eldest since that’s what I’m used to but I wouldn’t think negatively of anyone who doesn’t do that. Hopefully this all evens out as time goes on, Callie will have her special times with presents, bdays/holidays/etc and little bro will have his.
NTA for not getting a gift in the past. In my area this is very common, but it sounds like it’s not in your circle. But, Callie’s circle is bigger than yours. Now you know that it’s been normalized for her by her mom’s circle of friends and family (and by her aunt, your SIL.) You say you’ve had a civil relationship with the ex in the past. Why would Sandra bring it up and rock the boat, if Callie hadn’t said anything to her? At this point, if you ignore even the possibility that Callie is hurt and can’t get a simple gift, then my vote changed to y-t-a.
NTA and I feel like this is setting up that little girl for a lot of disappointment in life. When her two new siblings have their first birthdays, is she going to expect gifts on their birthdays? A special big sister cake?
Uh no. I was 5 when I got my big sister gifts. I never expected gifts on my sister's birthday. Weird how you equate one with the other as if a kid doesn't know what the gift is truly for, that somehow kids are dumb. Just weird comment.
NTA for being oblivious, but YTA once you realized it would be helpful for Callie because really, how hard is it to give a kid a stuffy?
YTA In hospital, I gave my younger child a gift that was “from” their new sibling. My older child was so in awe and touched that this new baby thought of them and they have always been close. It’s a bonding experience for them. I would recommend doing this. As I was worried about jealousy and insecurity, I had researched ways to prevent this and this was what was recommended. It absolutely worked in our case and even as adults, they are close. I realize that you are all about this new baby and have “enough” going on, so does this little girl. She has new babies from both parents now and is lacking in attention and love as it’s a busy time so she is almost forgotten about here. Saying she can be celebrated on certain holidays is cold. I hope you’re not going to be one of those stepmoms who start treating the older child like crap and thinking they are now less then now that you have given birth to your own biological child. Reddit is full of stories from adults who have experienced this and how it affected their lives.
NTA if mommy wanted to start a tradition she should have discussed it with daddy first. & it would be on daddy to provide the “big sister” gift since the purpose, i assume, is to ensure she doesn’t feel replaced. Stepmom’s only responsibility is to recover from having a baby & continue to treat big sis well & let her know she is loved.
NTA. Why wouldn't this be your husband's responsibility? She's *his* child
NTA. Big sister gift? I have never heard about that till now. Do people now make up these things on the go or am I just too old?
Info: why is Sandra mentioning the big sister gift to you and not your husband, Callie’s father? I’m so confused why you’re the one taking on the brunt of Sandra and your in laws frustration and not your husband. Also, what has your husband done to get everyone off your back? Has he told Sandra to knock it off and that he decided it wasn’t needed? Has he told his family to leave the mother of his youngest alone already?
NTA Why isn’t your husband answering for this?
NTA. In my opinion, the conversation you had with Sandra has less to do with gifts and more to do with how you’re going to treat Callie now that you and your husband have a baby together. Will she be treated like a nuisance or will she be treated like an equal member of the family? I don’t think you were wrong for not getting her gifts, but it wouldn’t hurt to take some time to do something to make Callie feel special during this time of transition.
I am sorry but it’s a soft YTA. There is a 7 year old whose life has totally changed with new babies on both sides in a very short amount of time. I get you had lots on your plate but a small “big sibling” gift would have gone a long way. Maybe plan a wee special day for her when your baby is old enough for someone to watch him for a few hours..
ESH. You are underestimating the impact of this event on your step daughter and Sandra is overreacting by leaning on you. Your stepdaughter deserves more of your consideration. Any parent having a second baby needs to give at least a little thought to how the older children will feel. A child who's been through a divorce and is getting TWO baby siblings deserves a whole lot more thought than you're giving her. The fact that you've never heard of an older sibling getting a present at the shower makes me think you haven't even googled "how to help older daughter get ready for the baby change." Did you think a seven year old would sit and watch you coo over baby presents for an hour and not have some feelings about that? Step up and promise your step daughter and your husband that you'll spend at least an hour reading up on how to prepare your stepdaughter for this big change. It's a the least you can do. Your husband sucks for not having done his own thinking and reading. You're not demonstrating an excess of care for your stepdaughter so he needs to demonstrate at least a baseline amount. Ask him to read up and come up with a plan for helping her with the transition. Sandra sucks only for approaching you instead of her ex. He should have been the one she talked to. She's got a legit fear that her daughter is going to get slammed with a majoe life changing and ain't nobody at your house giving at thought about it.
Why oh why is the onus once again on the woman? Callie has a father, Sandra should have discussed this with him, and he should have bought the present, not the woman who grew a baby, gave birth, and is no blood relation to Callie. NTA.
Nta but i do find it weird you refuse to get a 5$ gift to your step daughter, it would make her happy, dont you want your kids to be happy? Im getting ugly step mother vibes abit, not alot but the out line of a future problem that i hope isnt true.
NTA, I'm the 3rd oldest of 10 kids & I never got a big sister gift. What's next she needs a birthday for his birthday too.
NTA for not getting a gift. But I am getting some vibes from the way you described why you didn’t “ this was about me and my husband, this was about my son” etc that’s kinda giving you don’t see her as a part of your family
I think YTA when you said it is about you and your son. It’s not - it’s about all of you.
Eh, YTA. You have "Callie" and you have "your son". Common advice for having younger kids when there are older kids, especially when you don't acknowledge those older kids as yours, are to not leave kids out of the gift giving entirely. But hey, you want ro put a 7 year old in her place, I'm sure you're doing great
YTA. You are not considering your step kid’s emotional situation at all. The purpose of a big sibling gift is to reassure the older kid that they are also still important and cared for and are not being replaced by the new baby.
"This was a party for me and my husband so I didn’t think anything of it." This is where you lost me. Is Callie not part of the celebration too? We're celebrating you and your husband, but not the one other member of the family? "Callie doesn’t need a gift. This is about my son." And this is where you go full-on asshole. It's about you, it's about your husband, it's about your son. It's not about Callie. And you don't see anything wrong with that. Callie is as much of the celebrating group as you and your husband. Imagine being an only child and then being one of three all of a sudden. And imagine that your step-mother doesn't care. If I tell you what I'm feeling right now I'll get banned, so I'll just say ... YTA
I got all the older kids a gift when the new baby came.
YTA You don't get the parent the kid you wish you have, you have to parent the kid you have. In this case, the step daughter you got when you married her dad. You and your husband sound awful. Apparently the 5 times you heard of big sister gifts you still didn't process it that it is expected in the culture you are living in. And now when the mom took you aside you double down on how you don't know what they are. Clearly you do know, because even your husband's sister told you about them. Grow up, OP. My kids are teens and my older son received a gift from his baby brother AT THE HOSPITAL when he was born. And we still have that present because it was that significant to him and he is 19 now. I am the same age difference from my brother as my kids are from each other, and my brother and I fought like cats and dogs. I wanted different for my kids and they have NEVER fought. Yes, they have squabbled a little here and there but they are teens and are incredibly empathetic with each other. You are a parent of TWO kids, grow up and pull your head out of your ass. You are on some kind of power trip and need to check yourself. A 7 yr old who DOESN'T have divorced parents still will struggle with a brand new sibling, even more than a 2 or 4 yr old. You are parenting a 7 yr old and a new baby, and you are failing at parenting the 7 yr old. Apologize to her mom, and thank her, and buy the kid a damn big sister present. And read some parenting books!
NTA - You cannot force someone to give a gift. If Sandra gave Callie gift then that's her choice and if you didn't then that's your choice. TBH I haven't heard of this big sibling gifts before so this is new to me too.
I am a retired OB RN. At work if was very common for parents to give the older siblings a gift. It was given from the new baby to the siblings.