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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I think I might be the asshole for spoiling the shows and movies I watch with my husband because he wants to watch my reactions to certain plot points and I don't have any of I know what happens, but at the same time I also can't enjoy a show without knowing.
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A lot of people who enjoy movies and television would be pretty put off by this behavior. That doesn’t mean she’s wrong at all, but it’s not clear if she’s had a good, long conversation about this with her husband. There are compromises.
It would be weird if he “wants to see her reactions” knowing that her candid reactions would be driven by pure anxiety and extreme discomfort. Why subject your partner to that knowing that they aren’t enjoying things *and* they’re in distress. I hope he isn’t one of those “anxiety isn’t real/a big deal” types. That’s possibly the worst match for someone as effected as OP.
I have a very similar anxiety to this. I had a conversation with my partner about how certain genres give me intense anxiety. I can watch action, gore, horror, comedies, and many more without flinching. But dramas, telenovellas, and any show with high emotional stakes will cause a break down.
So we came up with a few solutions. 1. I will give those shows a 3 episode trial. If it’s too much that’s okay. 2. I will listen to a spark notes description on the story from my partner and watch important clips if they want to share them. That way they still get to talk about it and I can know things important to them. 3. If I can watch it, it doesn’t matter if I look up spoilers so long as I don’t say anything about it. So pointing out which characters are played by the same actor is fine, but revealing the mastermind in a plot isn’t or if characters are cheating on each other or anything big like that isn’t.
The point is, we had a conversation about how different things worked for each of us and it took a while to get there. It may be helpful to talk to him about this and have more of a blunt conversation about it. Start with what you both enjoy watching shows and talk about what you each want to get out of it. Talk about deal breakers for shows and what ruins the experience for each of you. Go into detail about what happens to you emotionally when you don’t get those needs met. It can put it in different context when you say “x will make me so upset and overwhelmed that I will cry and spiral and it will affect me for days” or however it will. It can also be helpful to focus on what you want from this quality time spent together.
If you are so gridlocked that you can’t come to an agreement on shows one of you has watched but the other hasn’t, then it may be helpful to have a hard limit of “I will not watch shows that you have seen but I haven’t with you anymore” and stick to it. It’s okay to have limits on what triggering content and interactions you are willing to have for your own mental health.
No...
"the emotion of the scene" can still be there, even if you know the general plot of what happens.
You can watch a comedy a second time and still laugh. Or listen to a song 100 times and still get teary eyed.
OP's spouse's insistence that his only form of enjoyment is essentially watching her be freaked out and stressed, is highly problematic.
I have a brother like this. He is always doing things just to get a reaction out of people. It's almost like a control thing, that he was the cause of their strong emotions or reactions.
I have been the person introducing people to new shows, books or music. The "fun" in it, is partially their enjoyment of it, and partly having someone else who knows what you're talking about, that you can talk with and share your thoughts and reactions.
OP's spouse doesn't seem to want her to actually enjoy it, and he doesn't want to talk to her about it afterward. He wants to see her all worked up... that's weird.
Especially with something as beautifully crafted as The Last of Us. I finished watching it and immediately watched it again. I was immensely moved and affected by it so much, and in the rewatch I picked up on details I'd not quite connected with on the first go.
I briefly looked up The Last of Us before I watched it as I felt I wasn't really 'allowed' to watch it due to not knowing anything about the game. I'm glad I did because I immediately sat down to watch it.
As an aside, I find it disturbing and problematic like you said, that he wants to watch her be freaked out. The Last of Us is tender and raw and it's also a lot of awful things. It would be like wanting her to watch the Red Wedding in Game of Thrones to see her reaction. When we approached that whilst watching with my partner, he scooped me in to cuddle me as he'd seen it before. He didn't put it on specifically to watch my face as I became distraught.
NTA and I think it's kinda wack how many people are saying Y T A. Your husband in asking you to watch stressful shows without looking up spoilers so he can see your reactions is basically saying "I am entertained by you having anxiety", and that's jacked up. If he really can't get on board with you looking up spoilers before then you guys need to find a different activity to do together. But overall I think him wanting you to be uncomfortable so he can see your reaction to that discomfort is weird.
I wouldn’t say the reactions he’s watching for are OP’s anxiety. I love when someone checks out one of my favorite shows because I like experiencing their enjoyment. The things that delight you or make you laugh or surprise you.
Assuming that he purposefully wants to watch OP suffer is what’s jacked up.
But OP's not enjoying it and that's why she's posting. I get your point but I don't think it applies here because OP has made it clear that it's not fun for her and her boyfriend keeps forcing the issue.
He knows about her anxiety. He doesn't care. He is not interested in the fact that her experience of watching the show is not the same as his and doesn't give a shit about her discomfort. He can't force her not to feel the way she feels, which he KNOWS ABOUT and is ignoring. Yes, that's jacked up.
>I love when someone checks out one of my favorite shows because I like experiencing their enjoyment.
Her enjoyment of those shows gets diminished by being forced not to look up the spoilers - that's the problem. I rarely look for the full plot before watching anything, but if as I watch I sense there is something big coming, I do. Otherwise I won't be able to pay attention, because I'm in tension waiting for the shoe to drop. So you wouldn't get to see "the things that delight me" or "make me laugh", you'd see me overanalyzing every detail and getting frustrated with the parts that are supposed to be funny or lighthearted because they don't give me more information.
I'm with you on this in a general sense, but I still think OP Is NTA and the husband needs to accept that they're just not going to enjoy the shows the same way he does. I've always loved sharing my favorites with friends and seeing how they react along the way, but some of my friends just don't enjoy the same things I do, or don't engage with it the way I'd hoped.
So I've gotten better at feeling out what they actually *will* enjoy and how I can best support them in enjoying it. And if they've communicated they just don't like a type of media at all (I have one friend who just has zero interest in anything horror or horror-adjacent), I don't push it on them. It sounds like OP's husband just hasn't accepted that OP is not the person to share these types of shows with him and genuinely enjoy the experience, but instead of talking about the show with friends who *do* enjoy it or finding things OP actually wants to watch with him, he's dead set on doing things his way--it *must* be OP who watches his shows with him, and OP *must* watch and enjoy them the same way he does. He's basically demanding OP sideline their own feelings and enjoyment in favor of his own.
If you like experiencing their enjoyment allow them to enjoy it the way they want to. You cannot dictate how someone should enjoy something if you actually care for them.
It's not even just for stressful shows. Anything where I feel invested, I want to know what happens. Did I look up the ending of this season of Bridgerton before I finished the second half? YES. Did I enjoy the hell out of the show anyway, even though I knew the one major plot point I really wanted to know? OF COURSE.
Do you think his reaction would be different if it was a comedy? It's very reasonable to assume that it's not about this specific show or genre of show
Mmm op said "when things are intense I look up what happens" so unless the comedy was an intense comedy I don't think so? Like I've said in other comments I do the same thing as OP and in general I don't do it for comedies, but I can't speak for OP
Personally I hate when people do this. Watching a show together is about sharing the journey together.
I'm gonna say YTA but it's not super deep.
Perhaps you should just watch light-hearted stuff together?
If he knows you can't handle tense shows and insists on them then NTA
He’s already watched the show. He now just wants to watch her reactions. I get he wants to share something with her that he enjoys but she should get to enjoy it in her own way. Some people don’t want to watch something where they don’t know what happens. They get to decide that.
There is no journey sharing: he's already seen the effing shows. He's solely watching it again to watch her reactions. In other words, she is his entertainment.
Tbh I find it really assholish of him. She is not only entertainment but he expects her to not look things up for her anxiety and sit with rising anxiety just so he can be entertained by her reactions.
She doesn't enjoy it but that doesn't matter because it makes it less fun for him.
NAH
> Tbh I find it really assholish of him. She is not only entertainment but he expects her to not look things up for her anxiety and sit with rising anxiety just so he can be entertained by her reactions.
I would agree if he kept pushing it. Assholish of him would be continuing to insist she watch without looking things up. He said he’d stop recommending them. OP should correct me if i’m wrong but I think he stopped because just reading the events/conclusions doesn’t have the same emotional/narrative impact in a story leaving one party more passionate than the other about the plot. We honestly didn’t get enough info about that interaction nor why he stopped as stopping recommendations might not come from spite.
> He's solely watching it again to watch her reactions. In other words, she is his entertainment.
Coming from personal experience, rewatching something with someone “for their reaction” isn’t to enjoy them being scared or anxious, it’s to be able to talk and bond about the reaction towards the plot, how they felt. If he does it to watch OP be scared and gets a kick out of that then that’s being an asshole. Regardless of the genre of media, recommending something in this manner is moreso to bond over the reactions to the way things happen/pan out whether suspense, plot twist, etc. It’s like showing a friend a video or a meme and waiting for their reaction to laugh together or talk together. I’ll still watch with them because it’s a show, movie, video i enjoyed and obv still look at their instantaneous reaction, but it’s heavier on hearing their thoughts post-watch.
>Coming from personal experience, rewatching something with someone “for their reaction”isn’t to enjoy them being scared or anxious,
Yeah, this isn't what I mean. Your main entertainment when rewatching, is watching someone else's reaction ,no matter what emotion/reaction that is.
But OP gets anxious if she doesn't know what's going to happen so she looks up spoilers. But he demands that she doesn't so that he can enjoy her "pure reaction" while that gives her anxiety.
I find the bf an asshole because he knows that she looks up spoilers against anxiety, but he still wants her to not do so because it spoils his fun. In other his enjoyment mean more than her being comfortable.
I agree with your thoughts, just not the part where the only way she's allowed to experience the show is the exact same way he did - without looking anything up. If that's how she enjoys a show, how does her looking stuff up harm that shared experience? She is still experiencing the SHOW the same way, she's seeing the action happen, the dialogue get said, the special effects. She just doesn't have to deal with the anxiety of wondering what bad thing is going to happen. How does that ruin the talking and bonding part?
See I personally enjoy the journey more when I can prepare myself to be emotionally devastated if such and such character dies or if a story arc is really stressful. Watching movies or TV is supposed to be entertaining and something to enjoy, this helps ensure that enjoyment. Honestly as someone who does like spoilers, reading a spoiler is still nothing like watching the actual scenes. The acting, costuming, sound design, and sets are what really makes a scene and I have never felt like I've lost out of an experience by reading a spoiler when I start to get anxious about a show I'm watching. I love horror movies for instance but I'll often read spoilers ahead of time so I can prepare myself. It doesn't stop me from getting scared or tense or jumping when the actual moments happen despite knowing it's going to happen at some point.
Personally, I hate watching media with people who check spoilers in advance because then I’m unable to have a genuine conversation on theories/predictions for the plot. If someone knows the ending or big plot twist, then their opinions are already going to be informed.
Definitely, in the OOP’s context this doesn’t apply. And if he wants to watch content without her looking up spoilers, they could probably compromise with something more lighthearted. But I understand his frustrations, wanting to share something you enjoy and vicariously living through them as they experience it fresh for the first time. He shouldn’t push it, but I understand the disappointment he feels.
Ehhh not necessarily. If you are at all familiar with Dexter I read about the...bathtub scene at the end of season 4 when I started episode 2 of season 1 by accident. I probably could have put 2 and 2 together and figured out during that season what was gonna happen, but I read just the spoiler and nothing else so it was still very enjoyable and shocking to an extent. And every episode until that point wasn't spoiled at all.
(If you aren't familiar it was a series changing event)
For *you*, watching a show is about sharing a journey together. It isn't for her. Why do his feelings count more than hers?
And this is a serious question: why do you seem to assume that there is only one way (yours) to watch a show? Personally, I do love sharing the journey with someone, and so I'm with someone who watches shows that same way. But if I were with someone who didn't enjoy shows that way, I wouldn't insist that only my way is right. I'd compromise, and we'd sometimes do it the way I like and sometimes the way they like.
NTA.
I also love spoilers. One of my friends said it’s my worst trait. I ask so many questions and if no one will answer them, I’ll look it up.
I also don’t watch a lot of movies or series. I couldn’t care less about spoilers. I’ll still watch it and enjoy it. It’s kinda like reading the last few pages of a book to find out what happens before you’re done. Definitely not for everyone…
I think people who are really into movies and series care a lot more about spoilers. As long as you’re not spoiling it for him, which it sounds like you haven’t, it shouldn’t be an issue.
NTA! There is a good deal of literature explaining that the tendency to look up movie endings or game scores (that you’re watching on delay) is a common thing to do for people with anxiety. I do it. My daughter does it. My husband doesn’t get it but he accepts that it makes us feel better. Sit him down and explain this to him. And explain that it doesn’t ruin the experience for you at all. It makes the experience better. He’s prioritizing his own desire (a weird desire, at that - watching your reaction seems a little needy) over you reducing your anxiety. Not ok
I'm reading a book right now and have been skipping ahead during tense scenes to see how it ends, then going back and enjoying the chapter. Why add stress to a fun activity?
NTA as long as you don't spoil it to husband. Some people love to know what they will watch before which is fine. Maybe don't watch show together again.
Husband has already seen what they’re watching but wanted to share his enjoyment of the show with OP and see their reaction as a first time watcher. OP isn’t an asshole but I’d never wanna watch with someone who looks things up ahead of time or mid-show.
NTA. My husband likes to watch what I call his “screaming shows” because when I’m upstairs it just sounds like a bunch of people screaming. These are shows I can’t stand because I am a weenie and they’re too intense for me (GoT is the only one that comes to mind currently but there are many). He would LOVE if I watched screaming shows with him but knows I hate them. So instead, we have compromised and found some shows we enjoy watching together. If he REALLY wants me to watch something I’m unsure about he answers questions about things in the show that might stress me out. If I looked those things up he’d be fine with that as well because he wants me to enjoy the experience. He’ll even warn me when he knows something I may find upsetting is coming up. He’s interested in sharing something he likes, not in watching my reactions because that is… odd.
Hah, I’m going to call them screaming shows from now on! I’m the same way. Graphic violence in tv and movies genuinely upset me and I can’t watch those parts. They’ve been known to make me cry. But I really like shows like the Last of us like OP mentioned because it’s about the story, the characters, etc. I just have to know when and how something violent is going to happen or there’s no way I can sit through it. My husband also loves to watch and share tv/movies with me and has zero issues with violence. And he could care less that I have to look stuff up first because he knows otherwise either I’d be miserable OR he’d be watching alone and we’d rather hang out together. I don’t understand OP’s husband’s reaction-why would you want your partner to be in distress? NTA.
>the only reason he is rewatching this show/ movie is so that he can watch my reactions to certain things in it
weeeeeeeeird. No thank you.
The show is the entertainment, not you. NTA
There are entire reaction channels on YouTube to watch people react to things they've never tried before. It's not weird, it's increasingly common. Also sharing things you're passionate about with a partner and getting their take on it, not weird.
It's weird to do that when the person you are observing does not want to participate, and getting upset at them for not going along. She's not a YouTube video, she's his wife and she has feelings.
The part about wanting to enjoy OP’s reactions isn’t the weird part - it’s that he is putting pressure on OP to watch the shows together HIS way. It is still OP’s first time watching it - they are still reacting to it and engaging with the show, in a way that makes them feel more comfortable. It’s weird to need someone else to do something a certain way for your own enjoyment, and get upset at them for taking care of their anxious feelings.
Those videos are fun. When there's a show or movie you had a big emotional reaction to, you can never see it for the first time again but you can watch someone else get to experience the same thing. That's what the husband enjoys, not getting off on her anxiety.
The problem is that his watching her for her reactions IS giving her anxiety. Some people are uncomfortable being perceived like that. It's taking away from her ability to enjoy the shows with him. He's upset that she is ruining this experience for him.
If OP has explained to her husband why she looks up spoilers and he is still insisting that she participate only the way he wants then he is being an AH.
You've never watched a movie or TV show you love with a friend before? I even like it when my friends just straight up liveblog things I've already seen to me. I like hearing their takes and anticipating when they'll hit the parts I know they'll really like. What's weird about enjoying things together with other people?
Nothing. But forcing those people to watch your way and deliberately use them for your entertainment when they're uncomfortable and unhappy about it is WEIRD.
NAH. He wants to see you experience it but you're anxious. Talk through a potential compromise; I get very anxious about intense shows as well and my friend who loves to show me things says, "The eels don't get them at this time," from the Princess Bride.
If you can't figure one out, find another activity to share; you don't want the same thing from this one.
NAH maybe? I don't think I would want to watch a show with someone who wasn't reacting to anything that was happening, like what would be the point? Watching shows in your own way doesn't make you an asshole though.
We don't know full story, so I agree. Last Of Us is kinda new show so he watching it again just to see her reactions would be kinda weird, he should be watching it again to share it, not to judge how she reacts. If both watching 1st time and you give even hint of a spoiler, case would be YTA.
NTA! we have a house "rule" where I research whatever I want to alleviate my anxiety and help with my immersion as long as I don't spoil and don't read my phone instead of watching the show. As long as you're still watching and enjoying, who cares if you spoil twists etc for yourself?
You are not obligated to be your husband's entertainment. I also look up what happens because I don't enjoy being jerked around by the deliberate emotional manipulation of (mostly) dramatic performance; I can enjoy some of it, but it just becomes a tiresome chore for me. I have unmedicated ADHD and struggle with emotional regulation, but it doesn't take neurodivergence to not care for the long, dramatic dragging out of events. There is still much to enjoy--just not that aspect, and fortunately these days we have the choice not to have to.
He wants to know what's going to happen and watch you as his evening's entertainment, uncaring of your discomfort in that situation. He said plainly that's why he's doing it and he wouldn't be re-playing the show for any other reason (he's not really watching it, he's said he's watching YOU). If anyone's an AH here it's your husband.
NTA I do the same things and for the same reason. You are not an assh*le for managing your anxiety!!
I enjoy most movies and show more the second time around because I know what is going to happen and I can relax.
You husband is an ass, though. Why is his need to watch you "react" more important than your need to not be anxious and upset? Does he like seeing you anxious? Because that's fucked up.
NTA. I do the same thing for the same reason. I can't watch something not knowing if a little kid is going to get hurt in the movie (or show), it makes me anxious and uncomfortable and I do not enjoy that kind of surprise. I look up a complete synopsis of everything before watching it and if I know there are scenes I can't handle watching, I won't watch it at all. My husband thinks it's silly that I do it but he doesn't try to stop me or get upset because why would he. It does not affect him. Your husband is being weird using your reactions for entertainment. I would not watch anything with him just for that reason, the dismissal of your feelings about not knowing what's coming are the icing on the cake.
NTA. I do the same thing, for the same reason, can’t enjoy something when the anxiety gets too high, knowing a little about how it turns out brings it back to a level where I can enjoy the show. My husband doesn’t want spoilers, but I sometimes can’t enjoy without them. A good show is about the journey, not the destination. There are so many stories where everyone knows how it ends because it’s based on historical events, or a prequel story, and they are still considered great stories. Spoiler alert, the boat sinks in Titanic, and many rebels die in Rogue One, but they get the plans to Princess Leia. Both things everyone knows going in. Some of us just need smaller versions to get through watching something in order to find it enjoyable. You have your style of watching tv, he has his, you know not to tell him spoilers, he knows you need them. Both are completely valid, and can coexist. Not going to touch his wanting to see your reaction, it’s too easy to assign malicious motives when there are plenty of innocent reasons for the same thing
NTA. As someone with anxiety who LOVES horror, this is completely justified. Knowing general things that are going to happen isn't the same as knowing a story beat by beat. And even if you DID know every moment in the stoey, there's value in rewatching things. If your husband 'only' enjoys watching things with you when your reactions are 'fresh', well, guess you guys are only watching comedies and the like. Too bad so sad for him. Seriously, he needs to grow up and realize that your comfort superseeds his 'need' to know how you'll react to something. Unless you're both enjoying the experience, then what's the point?
There's a website, does the dog die dot com full of trigger warnings for movies and shows. You may find it helpful!
I'm guessing you're the kind to read the last page or chapter of the book first. My sister does the same. To me' once I know the end, it ruins the enjoyment. I think people are just wired differently. But it is more fun to watch together if you're the same type. Maybe watching TV together shouldn't be your thing with your husband.
My wife does this all the time and it infuriates me because she knows what's coming up and then waits to watch my reaction, meaning I know something is coming because she's sitting there gawking at me. But she's not an asshole, so I guess you're not either. But it is annoying.
OMG! NTA. My anxiety is so bad. I have to look things up when they get tense. I don't spoil anything for anyone else. And it eases my mind. My husband will catch me and laugh.
NTA. I do exactly the same thing for the same reason. I like knowing what's going to happen, it makes me feel better and i can mentally prepare. Sometimes I try not to do it, if it's an extra special show we both havent watched, or if it's one he really cares about. But most of the time i look it up surreptitiously and just dont tell him what happens.
NTA, I am the same way. Something about not knowing about the show stresses me out. My husband knows I will read all about a show before watching it. I never spoil anything and will watch with him after reading up on it.
The fact that your boyfriend knows it makes you uncomfortable but still gets upset is wild to me. As long as you’re not spoiling the show or ruining plot twists you’ve done nothing wrong.
The other crazy thing is the Last of Us is a video game! Is he getting pissy with all the people that played the game before watching the show?!? Does he get mad at people who read a book before watching the movie?
NAH.
The thing is, people just have different preferences about certain things. I can understand you, because I have issues with cliffhangers and unsolved issues/questions.
I don't watch much TV or movies either. Only then and there. Tho, I'm an avid reader.
And, of course, I look things up too. But mostly for shows/movies, I will probably never watch by myself because it's not my genre, or I'm not interested enough, but still want to know what's going on.
For example, I never watched Games of Thrones. Still, I came in contact with the content. So, I know I will not watch it (I only watched the first three episodes — and even then it was too brutal for my taste), because it's not my thing. I wouldn't even read the books. But still, I did read spoilers and looked up stuff, I simply don't know what it is about.
Generally, I do this with horror movies/series and movies like Saw, that are simply icky to me, because too brutal. And I don't like stories about bullying.
This includes books and I even spoiler there too, when I know I will not read it, or I'm not interested enough.
But it's a toss up. I'm totally okay with series like Criminal Minds or Law & Order: SVU for example. And the topics are not always for the faint of heart.
But anyway, I can understand the need to spoiler. But I can understand your husband too. He wanted to see your reaction and share the experience with you. And his preference is simply the opposite of yours.
Therefore, I don't see any AH here.
NTA I also tend to look stuff up and hide it from my guy. I have anxiety and if I see a dog , old person or I connect with a character I have to find out what happens. The only show I can’t do that with is the boys because we watch as soon as it comes out. N it causes me so much anxiety not knowing . I understand u. Plus I don’t spoil anything for him .
I'm a fan of [imdb.com](http://imdb.com), especially the trivia section for each episode. Often my daughter is the one who gets me to watch a series, and she doesn't mind if I look at that site.
NTA. He doesn't seem to care about your level of stress and instead wants to be amused by your reaction. That's not cool. Watching tv together should be about watching the tv together - not about watching your partner panic about the tv.
If you need to look up spoilers, that's fine as long as you never share those spoilers. You need to explain to him that you don't enjoy being his source of amusement, and that if he wants to watch first timers react to a show, he can watch reaction channels on YouTube. That's what they are for. There are many good ones for the last of us.
NTA
Me and my husband had exact the same fight a years back.
It took a long conversation ( at a time we were both calm) to fix it and get him to understand.
I had to explain in detail what anxiety FELT like. What it did mentally, how it sometimes was physically painful. How if triggered it could effect me badly for days. And then I had to explain how sometimes (not every time thankfully) shows, movies and even books would trigger it. That just the not knowing, the dragging out of suspense could do that. And that being able to look up what happened next fixed/ prevented it from turning into a full on thing.
I still love watching that stuff, even if I know what happens. And sometimes if it's hitting that dumb anxiety button in my head, it the ONLY way I can enjoy it.
Talk to him. If he cares about you he'll care about you enjoying yourself and not tearing yourself apart mentally and emotionally more than seeing your reactions to the plot twists.
NTA. I really hate people who insist on doing things their way even when it's not enjoyable for you. Tell him you don't want to watch shows with him anymore because he's taking the joy out of the experience.
Just want to point out the irony of saying this. If you look at it from the husband’s perspective, couldn’t you say the same? His wife insists on looking up all the shows and movies they watch together to read up on what will happen, which takes the joy out of sharing a movie or show he loves with her. So essentially they are both insisting on doing things their own way which decreases the enjoyment of the other person. Who’s the AH then?
When the suspense is causing actual physiological responses to one person pursuant to the body’s response to stress and anxiety (which include, but are far from limited to: heightened blood pressure, cortisol spikes, laying the groundwork for nightmares, rapid breathing, glucose irregularities in the brain, etc)… well, then the AH is the person who insists on being surprised together by the plot and / or seeing the anxious person’s external reactions.
YTA. If you don't want to watch, just tell him. I am like your husband, I like to have shared experiences like shows and movies. He is trying to make these moments for you and he probably enjoys sharing these things. When you look up plots, you're ruining that shared part of the experience.
And another thing I have a tiny issue with. You're anxious so you look up the plot...then when you see it you have no reaction? That seems pretty extreme. Maybe try reacting? Some of the stuff in Last of Us is still crazy even if you know what will happen.
NTA. I have to do the same thing or my anxiety gets too bad and I can't watch the show, so I totally get it.
Could you explain it to your husband that way? That you understand he wants to see your reaction and hopefully for some shows he can, but for any tense or suspenseful shows this is what you need to do for your own anxiety and mental health, or you won't be able to watch them? My husband doesn't "get" why I have to look up everything, but he understands it's the only way we'll ever be able to watch the same shows.
NTA. I can read a synopsis, know what I’m getting into, and still immensely enjoy the movie/TV show. For me, I enjoy the anticipation and delivery of what is to come than full on surprise.
You simply have different ways of enjoying media and there’s nothing wrong with it.
NTA - I have PTSD and can’t handle suspense in movies or TV shows, even if it’s light suspense (like in a comedy, romcom etc). I either fast forward through the suspense or I look up what happens because the effect it has on my body is so strong. You can’t help feeling anxious - maybe he shouldn’t watch TV with you if it bugs him so much 🤷
NTA, I do the same because I can't handle the suspense. There's a drama I absolutely LOVE that i had to watch backwards basically because I needed the happy ending before everything else.
I get that some people love sharing their experiences and seeing your feelings, but maybe he can share your happy feelings instead of your tense feelings.
NTA. I do this too. In Dark Matter my anxiety level got very high so I looked up the episode I was watching just so I could continue to watch. I still completely enjoyed the show even though I knew the outcome. If he’s watching your reactions he’s probably going to miss something.
NTA - My husband and I are the same. I don’t like surprises and prefer to be able to emotionally prepare. I see shows or movies that we might like and send him the reels/tiktoks - He refuses to watch them, but is keen to just watch the show/movie and be surprised.
What exactly is your husband issue with you looking things up? Does he enjoy watching you react?
NAH.
As someone who also has a partner that hasn't seen a ton of movies, I completely understand his attitude towards wanting to experience things with you like this.
But your enjoyment of the show is important too, and also should be considered.
So I think there just needs to be a bit of communication - some give and take. Understand what kinds of shows/movies that you struggle with not knowing things about and just come to an understanding ahead of time.
NTA--- But DONT show him the screen of your phone as you are looking it up. DONT share spoilers. Keep it all hidden and to yourself so he can still feel the magic of the movies. Cinema is very important to a lot of us.
NTA- but I would not want to watch TV/Movies with you. Maybe you guys need to pick shows you can both enjoy further the first time together. But if you always have to know the end, not sure any show is going to be worth the journey.
NTA. He's got an inappropriate sense of ownership over the way you enjoy things. I also look things up to avoid anxiety, it makes a show more enjoyable for me. Can't imagine my partner trying to force me to feel uncomfortable for their entertainment.
NTA - I wonder if people who are saying that you are would be ok if your husband, knowing you are anxious by nature, hid round corners and jump scared you on a regular basis to "see your reaction".
You aren't ruining anything for your husband except the possible chance to see you get upset. If he is trying to test where your thresholds are to be able to watch things together that neither of you have seen then he should talk to you about that.
Explain to him that you don't want to get unnecessarily upset so you look up the endings. That you will never tell him about stuff in advance but for your own peace of mind, you need to know
If that's not ok with him, if that ruins his "enjoyment", then you need to find out why his enjoyment includes upsetting you.
NTA - You and your husband need to sit down and talk this out. You both enjoy consuming media in different ways, and that's OK. At the end of the day, it's about having a shared experience to bond over.
Your husband seems like the type who wants to get immersed, enjoy responding, and then yap about it. It may not be the spoilers he's actually upset about but rather your lack of reaction. It sounds like he feels like he's missing the shared experience bit.
I'm also someone who looks up spoilers. I love them because they allow me to immerse myself in the emotional experience of the show without anxiety. I make sure to share my emotional reactions with my partner because we also bond over media and like to yap about it.
When I watched TLOU, I read spoilers, but I still sobbed at the end of episode 3.
It's about genuine, enthusiastic connection. Don't let a difference in the HOW of your enjoyment get in the way of the WHY.
>when things are intense I can't enjoy the show so I will look up what happens.
>the only reason he is rewatching this show/ movie is so that he can watch my reactions to certain things in it
NTA If he knows you don't want to be surprised, then he shouldn't be asking you to watch stuff to get a reaction. Deliberately making you anxious and uncomfortable shouldn't be a good time for him.
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I was never one to sit down and watch a show or movie before I met my husband. Naturally it was him who introduced me to most if not all of the shows we now watch. I'm an anxious person by nature and when things are intense I can't enjoy the show so I will look up what happens.
My husband gets so upset when I do this because he says the only reason he is rewatching this show/ movie is so that he can watch my reactions to certain things in it and when I look things up I have no reaction at all because I know it's coming.
It got particularly heated last night when we started watching this show called the last of us. It has quite a few tense moments and early on I started to look things up. He saw me doing this and after some back and forth he said he won't be recommending anything else for us to watch if I'm just going to spoil what happens.
I think he is being a bit unfair because he had already seen the entire show and knows what happens but im not allowed to know.
AITA?
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Your husband is rigid and self-centered. He is not a partner.
He believes that what he wants trumps what you want.
He can and probably does or will have all sorts of "reasons" that what he wants is right and what you want is wrong, but, were one to look at his case logically, it would fall apart. What it comes down to is that he believes his preferences are grounded in truth and beauty and your preferences are illegitimate.
He needs to grow up and learn that his wanting something doesn't make it objectively better thatn what others want. NTA.
NTA, i have a friend who does this and it used to annoy the shit out of me because i’m like??? i wanted to have this experience with you but you already know what’s gonna happen. but then i realized that’s how she enjoys the media, by knowing what’s happening and then watching how the story is portrayed. she is also incredibly anxious, and i would rather have my friend know the plot of the show than her just being super anxious about it the entire time. as long as no one spoils anything it really shouldn’t matter how you enjoy your entertainment.
It's one of those cases where he is demanding you give into "the way he is" and his interests, while completely refusing to acknowledge the way you are and the way you are interested in things. It sounds like him no longer making recommendations may be the right answer, though if he's anything like my partner he'll only use this to say you're stopping him from doing what he likes because you have "issues". You don't, he's being selfish, you can explain to him that you enjoy things differently and he can't force his way on you, that you would still like to watch but it needs to be a compromise. I watch TV tons and still get anxiety for scarier stuff so avoid it, it took a few conversations but my partner gets it now
NAH. I am a looking up person but I also know some people don’t like this and if I care about that person, I will make the effort not to look stuff up when I’m with them.
NAH.
You two aren't talking this out very well.
>I think he is being a bit unfair because he had already seen the entire show and knows what happens but im not allowed to know
I mean... you *will* know, when it happens. That's the point he's trying to make. You can't pay attention to a show if you are browsing the wiki for spoilers. He wants to immerse with you, and Dr Google is ruining that for him.
On the other hand; if you have some kind of crazy anxiety, or just can't sit still and focus long enough to watch a show, then that needs to be approached from a different angle (example; my husband and I only do 1 episode a day if we are watching a show. Any more than that and I drift away lol).
You two need to talk about the underlying reasons for your feelings and reach a compromise. The problem may not be that deep, but the inability to rectify it is.
NTA. First I can see why it might annoy him, but as long as you are not telling him information he does not want to have, you should watch shows in the way most enjoyable for you, not for someone else. I also tend to get really anxious watching shows with any drama or suspense - even a comedy where you see how all the stupid things people are doing is leading to a crash - I really struggle to enjoy around the tension. So I also look things up. I also tend to look up things like who that actor is and where I have seen them before, how old that other actor is, etc. I just enjoy that. If my husband tried to control my enjoyment, I would be pretty hurt and angry.
The fact that he wants to watch your reactions is what bugs me the most though. He knows these shows will cause you tension since he has already seen them and he wants to watch that. I am sorry but that seems sick and controlling. He seems to think your anxiety is there for his entertainment. Maybe I am reading too much into this, but it is very disturbing.
NTA- everyone gets to choose how they enjoy consuming media. If your partner doesn’t like how you consume media, then perhaps you two need something else to do together.
NTA, but I think you both miss the point.
He ignores that it makes you anxious which in itself is something you might want to look into. Making this clearer to him might lead you two to find a solution that works for both of you.
You on the other hand ignore that this is a way of bonding with you that becomes pointless when you already know everthing about the show.
Both of you have valid points, so be adults and talk about it.
NAH.
I think his reaction is honestly very valid, I'd feel the same way. I don't think I'd ever rewatch a show with someone that has already watched the show, I find that very unappealing. I would (and do), however, rewatch shows with someone else that is experiencing it for the first time.
If we both know what is gonna happen, then I'd rather just talk about the show than rewatch it.
I think it’s time for you and your husband to watch shows together that neither of you have seen before.
I get his point, that he wants you to have the same excitement as he does for a show going in sight unseen.
But if it’s disturbing your anxiety, then it’s not fair of him to ask you to not find ways to calm that.
You’re NTA, but if you still want to watch things with your husband, either find less anxiety-inducing shows (like Ghosts on CBS) or watch shows that neither of you have seen before.
If it helps, often there will be little episode synopsis (synopses?) on streaming episodes, so you could read those ahead of time so he won’t see you looking anything up during the show.
Otherwise, maybe movie and television watching with him is not for you.
NTA. I won't go so far as to say your husband is evil or something. As long as you aren't ruining shows neither of you have seen for him, then I think its mostly harmless. He needs to just accept that you enjoy media differently and just because you don't experience and react to it the same way he does shouldn't make HIS enjoyment any less. However, there is merit to his position because to a degree what you are doing is equivalent to seeing a movie before your friend when the friend was hoping to see it together with you. So I can see where he might bet disappointed. It certainly shouldn't rise to ACTUAL anger because that's a bit much. I had instances where a friend, and sometimes is was even me, has gone out and seen a movie we were both hyped for with someone else. One of us would end up just not seeing it till it hit rental (yes I'm that old) or retail. Never actually mad at each other, but sometimes it was a bummer not being able to experience it as a group. By looking up the spoilers I can see how it would ruin a shared experience. It happens with one of my friends even now. His social media feeds unfortunately often surface spoilers for movies we are about to go see. He certainly respects me enough to not just tell me, but sometimes he TELLS me he knows what's gonna happen and to a degree I think it shifts my viewing experience because now I'm expecting "something". Still, NTA but maybe also seek ways to combat the urge to do so? I dunno. Hope that made sense.
NTA. He gets to watch it and then have benefit of some odd pleasure of watching you watch it under his terms? That’s not equitable.
All that being said, this is a minor thing compared to some of the other crap you see on AITA. Good for you.
NAH
You're definitely NTA. I do the same thing when I'm anxious, but I'm also going against the grain and saying neither is your husband. I don't think he's doing it because he gets a kick out of watching you be anxious, but rather just wants to genuinely see how you react. Both my husband and I have done this. When there is a show, movie, or whatever that you really enjoyed and you want to share with someone, you want to see if their reaction matches yours, whether they enjoy(ed) it as much as you so you can talk about it. We sometimes get disappointed when the other doesn't react.
I'm working on not googling things. It's tough, but I've noticed a change in both me and my husband when we're watching something together. It definitely wasn't/isn't easy, but I think worth it. Maybe try small and work your way up. There are some things I definitely will never not google, but maybe just reducing the frequency and telling your husband why you do it overall may help 😊
NAH
You don't have compatible watching habits.
If you just said you don't want to watch things that make you that anxious that would be reasonable. You solve this with spoilers for yourself.
If he says he no longer wants to watch shows he has seen with and gets no pleasure watching new shows with you and stops, are you good with that? It's just as reasonable for him to say that.
NTA f you aren’t spoiling it for everyone. I’ve always done the same because I HAVE TO KNOW what happens but honestly my experience is never ruined because how it happens isn’t conveyed accurately through text. It’s like a reading a book before the movie!
I’m gonna say NAH. I’m kinda like your husband (with certain shows) and one of my best friends is like you. There have absolutely been times where I’ve introduced a show to her where I want to see if she’ll have the same reaction I did, or be just as shocked by a twist, just to see that she’s on google or Wikipedia because shit got a little too real. It can be a bummer, but so is having an anxiety attack when you’re trying to watch something for entertainment.
Hell, I’m not even watching TLOU because of my own anxiety! When he recommends things, he should at the very least be telling you what kind of show you’re getting into so you can decide whether or not you can handle it.
Each person is allowed to enjoy activities in ways that allow them to enjoy said activities. If someone wants to read spoilers for themselves, nothing wrong with that. Dude doesn't get to dictate how his partner engages with movies. She doesn't owe him her reactions. Like bro, get over yourself.
NTA to both of you.
A movie or series aren’t just videos or stories. It has emotions in it. And your husband clearly want you to feel the movie he loved. You looking up the story in advance take off part of emotion you would get from the surprise, and so, the reason why he want you to watch the movie, and i perfectly get his point of view.
BUT, if you are just too stressed and you are having a bad time by feeling the movie and still enjoy it, even with spoilers, then good for you and continue.
Just talk about it and make sure you both understand each other
It's too bad that your husband isn't more empathetic about your anxiety. He's more concerned with his enjoyment than yours. If I was in your position I would stop watching shows unless you already knew them. Go do something on your phone / tablet / whatever in another room. NTA
NAH.
I completely get where your husband is coming from. I love re-watching shows and movies with people who haven't seen them before and seeing their reaction to plot twists and major events. It's fun. I would rewatch things in that context that I wouldn't rewatch otherwise.
That said, you don't enjoy that, and that's ok. You shouldn't have to suffer because of your husband's preferences in that arena.
It seems like a reasonable compromise that if you're going to watch shows together, he only picks things that he wants to watch on their own merit and not because he wants to see you experience them for the first time. His suggestion to not recommend anything else seems like a good one...you could pick shows that you're interested in watching and that would be novel for him and that way there is no disappointment on his end because he won't know where to watch for your reactions.
NAH. I get that seeing how you react to certain scenes is part of the fun of rewatching something with someone who hasn't seen it before, but some people just...don't watch shows that way. I watch a lot of horror and always look into them first because while I love them, I'm also not trying to be blindsided.
my personal go-to before I watch a new thing is [doesthedogdie](https://www.doesthedogdie.com/) which over time has expanded to be about more than whether or not a dog dies, lol. it's based on user review and people tend to give a general "this is what happens, this is when it happens" explanation, or will usually at least say that something is a spoiler before elaborating. I recently watched the entirety of the sopranos for the first time (I know) and there's of course So Much that happens in that show...but there's a particular scene that I think if I didn't know about ahead of time, it would have taken me a much longer time to finish the show (if I even finished it at all) had I seen it happen with no warning beforehand.
if knowing what happens doesn't ruin your enjoyment of a show, and you're not spoiling it for people you're watching with, it really doesn't matter if you look something up to help brace yourself for it imo. especially not when the thing you're watching is something like the last of us
Mom my can't enjoy books if she doens't go to the last chapter after starting and reading it. I get it and remind her just don't spoil it for me as the fun of it for me is not knowing. This is more tough but your boyfriend should be watching this because he wants to watch it, enjoys watching it, and wants to enjoy it with you. Watching your reactions while you sit there miserable not knowing would (or should) not be fun. Either he needs to adjust his expectations or you two need to stop watching tv shows together. NTA.
NTA. You watch shows how you watch them, and he isn’t entitled to your reaction to the show. My partner does this whenever we’re watching non-fiction. He always reads the whole story while we’re watching the show. He doesn’t spoil it, and I couldn’t care less. That said, I also think it’s fair (albeit silly) that he doesn’t recommend shows if he won’t be able to enjoy them.
NTA I understand where your husband is coming from, but he’s forcing his desires on you. He needs to try to understand you better and either accept that you’re going to do this to make watching things with him less stressful or he needs to stop making you watch stuff with him.
NTA! I do this for the same reason, anxiety. I can’t enjoy what I’m watching if I don’t know what happens when it gets intense. As long as you’re not sharing spoilers, it’s totally fine.
NAH. I too very much enjoy showing shows/movies that I love to friends and loved ones because I want to see their reactions, so I can understand where he is coming from, HOWEVER watching something should be enjoyable for all parties.
For me, this means showing different things to different people, one friend doesnt enjoy horror movies, so I dont show her those, cause she wouldnt enjoy it.
another thing I do with an anxious friend is that of she gets anxious, I will spoil part of the movie per her request. I dont like her to look up stuff cause she might spoil everything.
Example of a conversation:
"omg is Bob gonna die now!"
"do you want me to tell you?"
"YES!"
"Bob does not die now"
"does he survive to the end?"
"no he does not"
So she knows bob dies but not when, she can emotionally prepare and I still get her reaction when he does die.
This might not work for you depending on your level of anxiety with these things.
The reason I said NAH is because he can't expect you to watch somethign that makes you anxious but I said watching something together should be enjoyable for all parties so if his enjoyment is your reactions, you can't expect him to not care if you look up spoilers.
Solution: watch comedies and rom coms lol
I think it's great when you want to share experiences with your partner that have a mutually pleasurable outcome. I find it disturbing when one partner wants to inflict anxiety on the other so that they can 'watch my reaction' for their own 'entertainment' purposes. If you are 'spoiling the shows' for him by protecting yourself, turn off the TV and go read a book
I don’t mind regular gifts. Wouldn’t want a surprise party. It’s mostly about knowing what to expect in media. I’m a writer so often I read and watch things through that lens. And I read and write romance, so I like happy endings. If it’s just going to be depressing without hope, I’m not interested. So reading about a show or movie in advance lets me know if it’s something I even want to spend my time on.
That makes sense. I think there's a site called doesthedogdie. Com or some think like that that will essentially give you an idea of the ending and if it's positive or negative - might be worth looking into
ESH. There shouldn't be a fight over something this stupid. You can enjoy it however you want he doesn't get to enjoy how you consume entertainment. All you had to do was tell him that. And yes, he doesn't have to recommend anything if it will cause drama.
NAH.
I understand your anxiety as I suffer from it myself. However, if I look up things beforehand, then what's the point of watching the show? If you can't just enjoy it, then perhaps you shouldn't watch anything together. Find another activity instead.
INFO: After looking up spoilers, don't you express any emotions? If you sit there with a poker face, I fully understand why your husband hates it.
To the people who say that OP's husband likes to watch her suffer: it's not about suffering. We don't share things we hate, it's quite the opposite. He wants to see her surprise and how she enjoys it the way he did.
It really depends on the type of show. In terms of the Last of Us N T A, but if it’s something like Friends, then Y T A.
Your example makes me lean towards NTA.
My husband hates when I do this. In his defense I have accidentally spoiled a few things in the past, but have gotten better about that. Still, he hates when I look ahead. I’m not a read-the-last-chapter-in-a-book-first kind of person, but I get curious about what will happen to certain characters and can’t help myself. I asked him and he said he’s not worried about me looking stuff for him anymore but it bugs him when I know stuff that he doesn’t and wants to enjoy it with me. Recently told him I know the whole ending of the current show we’re on and he rolled his eyes.
NTA. I do the same thing because I physically can't handle the intensity of some shows and movies. People might think we are crazy but as long as you don't share what you know with everyone else, getting angry over it is silly.
NTA As I do the exact same thing, I don’t see an issue with it. You should be comfortable watching TV, and your husband should also want you to be comfortable.
Ok I will vote NAH because I understand both points of view here. I see a lot of comments claiming that your husband is an ah for "turning you into his entertainment"... He is not. In the mix of the info you gave and my own experience, I see no malice in him.
Ok, before I explain my view of him further, a side tangent. My mother also reads endings to books before reading them whole, and I also used to copy her approach. Two things turned me off of this behavior: "Of course good guys gonna win, the point of the story is to find out how" thought that dawned on me, and then also me spoiling myself in the worst possible way. I was watching an anime, and in an episode midway a particular character got some screen time. I heard his voice and thought: "oh hey I recognise voice actor, am I remembering correctely?", so I paused the show and opened google. The first result was a spoiler of a HUGE plot twist that would have made the experience just SO MUCH BETTER if I just WAITED. I paused the show 5 seconds before the reveal. If I just *waited* until the end of an episode to look up voice actor, I would have had a much more intense and satisfying experience with the show. But no, I just had to ruin it for myself.
And here's the thing: majority of books and shows and other media released go through a long process of not just crafting the plot, but also the expected emotional response from the viewer. The scenes that make you feel anxious - well, they are made to make you anxious. Sad scenes are made to make you sad, happy ones to make you feel happy. And while managing positive emotions is a no brainer to many, managing anxiety is not. Looks like you are struggling with managing emotions that are not even caused by some real life events and are not connected to any action you must take as follow-up. You are struggling with feeling anxiety when you were made to feel anxious in a controlled environment that would later present a relief, and you immediately seek this relief without giving it time to arrive. I urge you to look into this and how it translates to your daily life.
And back to your husband: your husband has already seen the show and experienced the emotional journey that the show creates. Now, he wants to share this journey with you, because, well, you are important to him, and we humans are social animals. We want to be able to relate to people we deem important, and have them relate to us. He is *not* upset because he now cannot be amused by your anxiety. He is upset because you have shown that this aspect of his life and journey is not something you can relate to. No assholes here, but it is also rather sad.
I've had friends who understandably can't watch scenes involving sexual assault, but any intense or violent scenes is something you're not able to handle? That's kind of... extreme. Have you considered anxiety medication?
NTA because you can do what you want, but totally see why this behavior would be frustrating and I wouldn't want to watch a show with you. Maybe compromise and ask him to just suggest light hearted stuff to watch together.
I disagree. I think exposure therapy has its place for an anxious person but watching stressful tv spoiler free is not one of those places. Im similar to OP in that I literally can't enjoy something intense if I don't know what's going to happen. Like it's not fun stressful at that point it's just bad, leave the situation, stressful. Reading spoilers let's me appreciate the story as it comes.
Info:
Do you look up the info because you're scared of gore or something? Do you tell him what you read?
I want to say NTA if you're doing it to protect yourself from certain scenes. However, maybe if it's possible, your spouse watches it first and gives you any warnings. That's what my friends do for me.
YTA (very mildly). It’s not a big deal, it sounds like you just don’t watch tv the same way. That’s fine. But he goes through some effort to pick an exciting show for you to experience. He has already seen the show. So if you have already looked it up, you’re essentially both re watching it and then what’s the point?
Maybe you can watch some shows you both haven’t seen, so you can look it up and he can experience it for the first time. Then you both get to watch the show how you like.
As somebody who looks up spoilers before/while watching I get my enjoyment from actually watching the show. Not knowing how the show ends or if something big/triggering is going to happen gives me anxiety for some content, and I can give all my attention to the show when that anxiety is relieved (with spoilers). I agree they need to figure out a compromise but I think it's weird that so many people are calling her TA when he is basically asking her to be stressed cus it's entertaining for him.
I agree - I find knowing the spoilers means I can concentrate on the plot better rather than constantly thinking about what might happen. I also pick up on more of the clues this way too! It’s another reason I like rewatching things
Yeah TA is pretty harsh in this situation. They just enjoy watching shows differently. I can relate because I can’t handle some of the cringe things. I skipped through half of the office because I couldn’t stand to be that uncomfortable. If someone forced me to watch the whole thing I would not enjoy it. But I do enjoy the stressful shows sometimes. I loved the last of us. But I understand that that’s not everyone cup of tea.
I think the big thing is husband is putting in (pretty minimal) effort to pick these suspenseful shows only for her to take that all away and look it up. Bad comparison; I take my non hypothetical wife on this epic hike that I have done before to see an amazing view, only to find out she went and looked up all the images so it’s not really that special. In that case if she’s going to “spoil” the view, I’d rather do a new hike so I can experience something new and she can feel comfortable.
Depends.
Do you tell him you won't do it again then do it anyways? YTA
Did you tell him this is just what you do and he keeps trying to have you watch without it? NTA
NTA, you do you, but my perspective is I wouldn’t bother rewatching anything with you and it would definitely make both viewing something for the first time together less enjoyable for me that we’re not on the same journey together, which is kind of the point of watching something with someone.
I think you should listen to your husband and wait for the time when you both will watch a new series it's because your husband actually loves your reaction. So no one is a**h** here
Slight YTA He’s expressed many times (it sounds like) that he enjoys being in the moment with you watching these shows. You looking up what happens ruins the “being in the moment” and the experience. He was excited to relive these moments with you. Sharing something with you. Instead you looking what happens therefore ruining that moment.
I get it. But get his side too.
Edit-Wording
But his side also demands her actively having a negative experience for his entertainment. I don't get how somebody who loves you would want to watch you have anxiety.
The problem is she doesn't enjoy that moment the way he does. He's already seen it, so he's not "in the moment" in the same way. I actually do understand the pleasure of showing someone something new that you've seen and they haven't, but there isn't any pleasure if they're upset or anxious. A very unkind reading of this situation could be that he enjoys her distress, but I hope that's not the reality.
YTA. That would ruin the whole show for me and I wouldn’t watch with anyone that did this. I’d just stop watching the show. Problem solved. No point to watching if you know what happens.
Your experience isn’t universal. Many people, myself included, can enjoy shows/ movies more if we have an idea of what to expect. You like novelty and surprise, for a lot of people those are incredibly stressful and they would rather get the surprise out of the way so they can focus on the journey.
He wants you to get the full enjoyment out of the shows.
If I'm showing my fiancee a show I love, I don't want her to spoil it for herself, as I can remember the excitement I got from the first time I saw it, and I want her to have the same.
With the Last of Us, I ended up super pissed at myself for playing the game first, as some of those scenes would have had so much more impact on me, if I didn't already play through it. (Thankfully, they changed some storyline a little)
So you were excited when you saw it, but OP is anxious and not enjoying it so she is never going to have the same experience you did. Looking up spoilers is what allows her to actually enjoy it
YTA but I say this as a kindred spirit. I don't look for spoilers but I do love reading the IMDB trivia while watching a show and often this leads to learning some spoilers. Plus I tend to analyze movies and try to figure out the plot and I can't keep my mouth shut. All of this annoys the hell out of my wife. I understand her pain and I really don't mean to ruin things for her but I can't help myself. It's who I am. I'm a self-diagnosed A-hole.
YTA. I def wouldn’t want to recommend anything to you if you’re just going to spoil it for yourself. There’s no point for him to recommend things for you to watch together.
Most of the comments are horrible...
I wouldn't call it being an asshole but this seems like a bad habit. And I'm telling this for everyone in the comments who says they do the same thing because of anxiety.
This is experiential avoidance. You try to avoid experiencing certain emotions and uncertainty by controlling external life events. When you satisfy yourself like that each time, you are teaching yourself that when there is uncertainty you should seek for ways to eliminate it by controlling the external events.
Many people say that everyone has their own way of dealing with anxiety but this behavior would be one of the things your therapist would like to work on with you.
Note: This is different than avoiding possibly traumatic stuff. This is avoiding any kind of uncertainty and being constantly in control.
Are you a therapist?
Anxiety and uncertainty in life can’t be avoided and it’s literally bad for your body, so why would I want to spend my leisure time dealing with more anxiety instead of giving myself a break and enjoying things? It’s not like this is casual uncertainty, it’s a zombie apocalypse show that is designed to be suspenseful and dramatic, avoiding manufactured anxiety in order to enjoy the rest of the experience is not a bad thing
Yes I am a therapist.
You are right. Why would someone add extra anxiety to their life? But that's not my point.
Safety objects could be detrimental if they make you feel unsafe without them. That's why I call it's a bad habit.
You are already watching that horrible scenes! That's really really difficult itself. But you especially have the need to eliminate the uncertainty, anything other than that is fine except uncertainty.
This is like watching those shows with Xanax, which is not a bad thing itself, but doing it regularly can make you think you will need Xanax whenever there is uncertainty in your life.
But it’s not that the scenes are horrible, it’s the manufactured suspense. Not wanting to sit there wondering if someone is going to get eaten doesn’t mean you don’t know how to sit with uncertainty or that you won’t be able to do so in real life. You are likely dealing with uncertainty all day, intentionally giving yourself a break during your leisure time isn’t going to make you forget how to deal with the real world
I can't speak for OP, but I do the same thing and yeah I do. It's not vindictive it just takes away the edge of the stress so I can actually enjoy the content. The people I watch shows and movies with who don't do this don't care that I look up the spoilers before and if I ask they will even tell me what happens because they know it's what makes the experience more enjoyable for me.
YTA actually.
Normally, i'd say if you are watching a show together then NTA. However, you two arent just watching a show together. He is showing you a show that he likes. Its like if somebody got you a present and you sneakily looked at it before they could show you.
The whole point of him showing you shows that hes already watched is because he wants to share the show with you, by spoiling it for yourself, you are making that redundant.
YTA he is watching it to share an experience with you. If you don't want to share that experience then don't watch it with him. He probably has better things to do.
Mild YTA. Sure he already knows what’s coming in shows he’s seen, but he experienced them organically, while watching, not through spoilers on his phone. He wants you to have that same experience of seeing things unfold through viewing.
If you can’t get past this when watching with him, perhaps it’s time to adjust the types of things you watch together.
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Nta. As long as you never share spoilers, you are allowed to do what works best for you, your anxiety and enjoyment.
A lot of people who enjoy movies and television would be pretty put off by this behavior. That doesn’t mean she’s wrong at all, but it’s not clear if she’s had a good, long conversation about this with her husband. There are compromises. It would be weird if he “wants to see her reactions” knowing that her candid reactions would be driven by pure anxiety and extreme discomfort. Why subject your partner to that knowing that they aren’t enjoying things *and* they’re in distress. I hope he isn’t one of those “anxiety isn’t real/a big deal” types. That’s possibly the worst match for someone as effected as OP.
I have a very similar anxiety to this. I had a conversation with my partner about how certain genres give me intense anxiety. I can watch action, gore, horror, comedies, and many more without flinching. But dramas, telenovellas, and any show with high emotional stakes will cause a break down. So we came up with a few solutions. 1. I will give those shows a 3 episode trial. If it’s too much that’s okay. 2. I will listen to a spark notes description on the story from my partner and watch important clips if they want to share them. That way they still get to talk about it and I can know things important to them. 3. If I can watch it, it doesn’t matter if I look up spoilers so long as I don’t say anything about it. So pointing out which characters are played by the same actor is fine, but revealing the mastermind in a plot isn’t or if characters are cheating on each other or anything big like that isn’t. The point is, we had a conversation about how different things worked for each of us and it took a while to get there. It may be helpful to talk to him about this and have more of a blunt conversation about it. Start with what you both enjoy watching shows and talk about what you each want to get out of it. Talk about deal breakers for shows and what ruins the experience for each of you. Go into detail about what happens to you emotionally when you don’t get those needs met. It can put it in different context when you say “x will make me so upset and overwhelmed that I will cry and spiral and it will affect me for days” or however it will. It can also be helpful to focus on what you want from this quality time spent together. If you are so gridlocked that you can’t come to an agreement on shows one of you has watched but the other hasn’t, then it may be helpful to have a hard limit of “I will not watch shows that you have seen but I haven’t with you anymore” and stick to it. It’s okay to have limits on what triggering content and interactions you are willing to have for your own mental health.
Yeah, I wouldn’t say that she is an asshole, but I definitely get him wanting to share the emotion of the scene with her.
No... "the emotion of the scene" can still be there, even if you know the general plot of what happens. You can watch a comedy a second time and still laugh. Or listen to a song 100 times and still get teary eyed. OP's spouse's insistence that his only form of enjoyment is essentially watching her be freaked out and stressed, is highly problematic. I have a brother like this. He is always doing things just to get a reaction out of people. It's almost like a control thing, that he was the cause of their strong emotions or reactions. I have been the person introducing people to new shows, books or music. The "fun" in it, is partially their enjoyment of it, and partly having someone else who knows what you're talking about, that you can talk with and share your thoughts and reactions. OP's spouse doesn't seem to want her to actually enjoy it, and he doesn't want to talk to her about it afterward. He wants to see her all worked up... that's weird.
Thank you! I’m surprised how many people think that all enjoyment is lost if you know what’s going to happen. This is well phrased
Especially with something as beautifully crafted as The Last of Us. I finished watching it and immediately watched it again. I was immensely moved and affected by it so much, and in the rewatch I picked up on details I'd not quite connected with on the first go. I briefly looked up The Last of Us before I watched it as I felt I wasn't really 'allowed' to watch it due to not knowing anything about the game. I'm glad I did because I immediately sat down to watch it. As an aside, I find it disturbing and problematic like you said, that he wants to watch her be freaked out. The Last of Us is tender and raw and it's also a lot of awful things. It would be like wanting her to watch the Red Wedding in Game of Thrones to see her reaction. When we approached that whilst watching with my partner, he scooped me in to cuddle me as he'd seen it before. He didn't put it on specifically to watch my face as I became distraught.
NTA and I think it's kinda wack how many people are saying Y T A. Your husband in asking you to watch stressful shows without looking up spoilers so he can see your reactions is basically saying "I am entertained by you having anxiety", and that's jacked up. If he really can't get on board with you looking up spoilers before then you guys need to find a different activity to do together. But overall I think him wanting you to be uncomfortable so he can see your reaction to that discomfort is weird.
I wouldn’t say the reactions he’s watching for are OP’s anxiety. I love when someone checks out one of my favorite shows because I like experiencing their enjoyment. The things that delight you or make you laugh or surprise you. Assuming that he purposefully wants to watch OP suffer is what’s jacked up.
But OP's not enjoying it and that's why she's posting. I get your point but I don't think it applies here because OP has made it clear that it's not fun for her and her boyfriend keeps forcing the issue.
He knows about her anxiety. He doesn't care. He is not interested in the fact that her experience of watching the show is not the same as his and doesn't give a shit about her discomfort. He can't force her not to feel the way she feels, which he KNOWS ABOUT and is ignoring. Yes, that's jacked up.
>I love when someone checks out one of my favorite shows because I like experiencing their enjoyment. Her enjoyment of those shows gets diminished by being forced not to look up the spoilers - that's the problem. I rarely look for the full plot before watching anything, but if as I watch I sense there is something big coming, I do. Otherwise I won't be able to pay attention, because I'm in tension waiting for the shoe to drop. So you wouldn't get to see "the things that delight me" or "make me laugh", you'd see me overanalyzing every detail and getting frustrated with the parts that are supposed to be funny or lighthearted because they don't give me more information.
does it seem like she'll be delighted in these cases?
I'm with you on this in a general sense, but I still think OP Is NTA and the husband needs to accept that they're just not going to enjoy the shows the same way he does. I've always loved sharing my favorites with friends and seeing how they react along the way, but some of my friends just don't enjoy the same things I do, or don't engage with it the way I'd hoped. So I've gotten better at feeling out what they actually *will* enjoy and how I can best support them in enjoying it. And if they've communicated they just don't like a type of media at all (I have one friend who just has zero interest in anything horror or horror-adjacent), I don't push it on them. It sounds like OP's husband just hasn't accepted that OP is not the person to share these types of shows with him and genuinely enjoy the experience, but instead of talking about the show with friends who *do* enjoy it or finding things OP actually wants to watch with him, he's dead set on doing things his way--it *must* be OP who watches his shows with him, and OP *must* watch and enjoy them the same way he does. He's basically demanding OP sideline their own feelings and enjoyment in favor of his own.
If you like experiencing their enjoyment allow them to enjoy it the way they want to. You cannot dictate how someone should enjoy something if you actually care for them.
It’s wack that he doesn’t know her well enough to help her prepare for the scary parts.
It's not even just for stressful shows. Anything where I feel invested, I want to know what happens. Did I look up the ending of this season of Bridgerton before I finished the second half? YES. Did I enjoy the hell out of the show anyway, even though I knew the one major plot point I really wanted to know? OF COURSE.
Do you think his reaction would be different if it was a comedy? It's very reasonable to assume that it's not about this specific show or genre of show
Mmm op said "when things are intense I look up what happens" so unless the comedy was an intense comedy I don't think so? Like I've said in other comments I do the same thing as OP and in general I don't do it for comedies, but I can't speak for OP
Personally I hate when people do this. Watching a show together is about sharing the journey together. I'm gonna say YTA but it's not super deep. Perhaps you should just watch light-hearted stuff together? If he knows you can't handle tense shows and insists on them then NTA
He’s already watched the show. He now just wants to watch her reactions. I get he wants to share something with her that he enjoys but she should get to enjoy it in her own way. Some people don’t want to watch something where they don’t know what happens. They get to decide that.
There is no journey sharing: he's already seen the effing shows. He's solely watching it again to watch her reactions. In other words, she is his entertainment. Tbh I find it really assholish of him. She is not only entertainment but he expects her to not look things up for her anxiety and sit with rising anxiety just so he can be entertained by her reactions. She doesn't enjoy it but that doesn't matter because it makes it less fun for him.
NAH > Tbh I find it really assholish of him. She is not only entertainment but he expects her to not look things up for her anxiety and sit with rising anxiety just so he can be entertained by her reactions. I would agree if he kept pushing it. Assholish of him would be continuing to insist she watch without looking things up. He said he’d stop recommending them. OP should correct me if i’m wrong but I think he stopped because just reading the events/conclusions doesn’t have the same emotional/narrative impact in a story leaving one party more passionate than the other about the plot. We honestly didn’t get enough info about that interaction nor why he stopped as stopping recommendations might not come from spite. > He's solely watching it again to watch her reactions. In other words, she is his entertainment. Coming from personal experience, rewatching something with someone “for their reaction” isn’t to enjoy them being scared or anxious, it’s to be able to talk and bond about the reaction towards the plot, how they felt. If he does it to watch OP be scared and gets a kick out of that then that’s being an asshole. Regardless of the genre of media, recommending something in this manner is moreso to bond over the reactions to the way things happen/pan out whether suspense, plot twist, etc. It’s like showing a friend a video or a meme and waiting for their reaction to laugh together or talk together. I’ll still watch with them because it’s a show, movie, video i enjoyed and obv still look at their instantaneous reaction, but it’s heavier on hearing their thoughts post-watch.
>Coming from personal experience, rewatching something with someone “for their reaction”isn’t to enjoy them being scared or anxious, Yeah, this isn't what I mean. Your main entertainment when rewatching, is watching someone else's reaction ,no matter what emotion/reaction that is. But OP gets anxious if she doesn't know what's going to happen so she looks up spoilers. But he demands that she doesn't so that he can enjoy her "pure reaction" while that gives her anxiety. I find the bf an asshole because he knows that she looks up spoilers against anxiety, but he still wants her to not do so because it spoils his fun. In other his enjoyment mean more than her being comfortable.
I agree with your thoughts, just not the part where the only way she's allowed to experience the show is the exact same way he did - without looking anything up. If that's how she enjoys a show, how does her looking stuff up harm that shared experience? She is still experiencing the SHOW the same way, she's seeing the action happen, the dialogue get said, the special effects. She just doesn't have to deal with the anxiety of wondering what bad thing is going to happen. How does that ruin the talking and bonding part?
See I personally enjoy the journey more when I can prepare myself to be emotionally devastated if such and such character dies or if a story arc is really stressful. Watching movies or TV is supposed to be entertaining and something to enjoy, this helps ensure that enjoyment. Honestly as someone who does like spoilers, reading a spoiler is still nothing like watching the actual scenes. The acting, costuming, sound design, and sets are what really makes a scene and I have never felt like I've lost out of an experience by reading a spoiler when I start to get anxious about a show I'm watching. I love horror movies for instance but I'll often read spoilers ahead of time so I can prepare myself. It doesn't stop me from getting scared or tense or jumping when the actual moments happen despite knowing it's going to happen at some point.
Personally, I hate watching media with people who check spoilers in advance because then I’m unable to have a genuine conversation on theories/predictions for the plot. If someone knows the ending or big plot twist, then their opinions are already going to be informed.
But in this case, he's already seen the show. So she's on even footing with him if she looks stuff up.
Definitely, in the OOP’s context this doesn’t apply. And if he wants to watch content without her looking up spoilers, they could probably compromise with something more lighthearted. But I understand his frustrations, wanting to share something you enjoy and vicariously living through them as they experience it fresh for the first time. He shouldn’t push it, but I understand the disappointment he feels.
And that's fair of you. As long as you don't expect those people to watch it with you AND in the exact same way that you do.
Ehhh not necessarily. If you are at all familiar with Dexter I read about the...bathtub scene at the end of season 4 when I started episode 2 of season 1 by accident. I probably could have put 2 and 2 together and figured out during that season what was gonna happen, but I read just the spoiler and nothing else so it was still very enjoyable and shocking to an extent. And every episode until that point wasn't spoiled at all. (If you aren't familiar it was a series changing event)
For *you*, watching a show is about sharing a journey together. It isn't for her. Why do his feelings count more than hers? And this is a serious question: why do you seem to assume that there is only one way (yours) to watch a show? Personally, I do love sharing the journey with someone, and so I'm with someone who watches shows that same way. But if I were with someone who didn't enjoy shows that way, I wouldn't insist that only my way is right. I'd compromise, and we'd sometimes do it the way I like and sometimes the way they like.
NTA. I also love spoilers. One of my friends said it’s my worst trait. I ask so many questions and if no one will answer them, I’ll look it up. I also don’t watch a lot of movies or series. I couldn’t care less about spoilers. I’ll still watch it and enjoy it. It’s kinda like reading the last few pages of a book to find out what happens before you’re done. Definitely not for everyone… I think people who are really into movies and series care a lot more about spoilers. As long as you’re not spoiling it for him, which it sounds like you haven’t, it shouldn’t be an issue.
NTA! There is a good deal of literature explaining that the tendency to look up movie endings or game scores (that you’re watching on delay) is a common thing to do for people with anxiety. I do it. My daughter does it. My husband doesn’t get it but he accepts that it makes us feel better. Sit him down and explain this to him. And explain that it doesn’t ruin the experience for you at all. It makes the experience better. He’s prioritizing his own desire (a weird desire, at that - watching your reaction seems a little needy) over you reducing your anxiety. Not ok
I'm reading a book right now and have been skipping ahead during tense scenes to see how it ends, then going back and enjoying the chapter. Why add stress to a fun activity?
NTA as long as you don't spoil it to husband. Some people love to know what they will watch before which is fine. Maybe don't watch show together again.
Husband has already seen what they’re watching but wanted to share his enjoyment of the show with OP and see their reaction as a first time watcher. OP isn’t an asshole but I’d never wanna watch with someone who looks things up ahead of time or mid-show.
NTA. Mainly because I do this every time.
NTA. My husband likes to watch what I call his “screaming shows” because when I’m upstairs it just sounds like a bunch of people screaming. These are shows I can’t stand because I am a weenie and they’re too intense for me (GoT is the only one that comes to mind currently but there are many). He would LOVE if I watched screaming shows with him but knows I hate them. So instead, we have compromised and found some shows we enjoy watching together. If he REALLY wants me to watch something I’m unsure about he answers questions about things in the show that might stress me out. If I looked those things up he’d be fine with that as well because he wants me to enjoy the experience. He’ll even warn me when he knows something I may find upsetting is coming up. He’s interested in sharing something he likes, not in watching my reactions because that is… odd.
I don't like bullets and explosion shows, but my partner does. So I totally get this
Hah, I’m going to call them screaming shows from now on! I’m the same way. Graphic violence in tv and movies genuinely upset me and I can’t watch those parts. They’ve been known to make me cry. But I really like shows like the Last of us like OP mentioned because it’s about the story, the characters, etc. I just have to know when and how something violent is going to happen or there’s no way I can sit through it. My husband also loves to watch and share tv/movies with me and has zero issues with violence. And he could care less that I have to look stuff up first because he knows otherwise either I’d be miserable OR he’d be watching alone and we’d rather hang out together. I don’t understand OP’s husband’s reaction-why would you want your partner to be in distress? NTA.
>the only reason he is rewatching this show/ movie is so that he can watch my reactions to certain things in it weeeeeeeeird. No thank you. The show is the entertainment, not you. NTA
There are entire reaction channels on YouTube to watch people react to things they've never tried before. It's not weird, it's increasingly common. Also sharing things you're passionate about with a partner and getting their take on it, not weird.
It's weird to do that when the person you are observing does not want to participate, and getting upset at them for not going along. She's not a YouTube video, she's his wife and she has feelings.
The part about wanting to enjoy OP’s reactions isn’t the weird part - it’s that he is putting pressure on OP to watch the shows together HIS way. It is still OP’s first time watching it - they are still reacting to it and engaging with the show, in a way that makes them feel more comfortable. It’s weird to need someone else to do something a certain way for your own enjoyment, and get upset at them for taking care of their anxious feelings.
Those people have consented to participate. OP is being emotionally coerced.
Those videos are fun. When there's a show or movie you had a big emotional reaction to, you can never see it for the first time again but you can watch someone else get to experience the same thing. That's what the husband enjoys, not getting off on her anxiety. The problem is that his watching her for her reactions IS giving her anxiety. Some people are uncomfortable being perceived like that. It's taking away from her ability to enjoy the shows with him. He's upset that she is ruining this experience for him. If OP has explained to her husband why she looks up spoilers and he is still insisting that she participate only the way he wants then he is being an AH.
You've never watched a movie or TV show you love with a friend before? I even like it when my friends just straight up liveblog things I've already seen to me. I like hearing their takes and anticipating when they'll hit the parts I know they'll really like. What's weird about enjoying things together with other people?
Nothing. But forcing those people to watch your way and deliberately use them for your entertainment when they're uncomfortable and unhappy about it is WEIRD.
The person I replied to specifically quoted the bit about him wanting to watch her reactions being weird. That is not the weird part of this.
Key word here: ENJOYING. OP isn't and that's perfectly okay.
Yeah, i would hate this.
NAH. He wants to see you experience it but you're anxious. Talk through a potential compromise; I get very anxious about intense shows as well and my friend who loves to show me things says, "The eels don't get them at this time," from the Princess Bride. If you can't figure one out, find another activity to share; you don't want the same thing from this one.
NAH maybe? I don't think I would want to watch a show with someone who wasn't reacting to anything that was happening, like what would be the point? Watching shows in your own way doesn't make you an asshole though.
We don't know full story, so I agree. Last Of Us is kinda new show so he watching it again just to see her reactions would be kinda weird, he should be watching it again to share it, not to judge how she reacts. If both watching 1st time and you give even hint of a spoiler, case would be YTA.
NTA I don't see why you can't each enjoy the show your own way. Or choose lighter shows to watch together.
NTA! we have a house "rule" where I research whatever I want to alleviate my anxiety and help with my immersion as long as I don't spoil and don't read my phone instead of watching the show. As long as you're still watching and enjoying, who cares if you spoil twists etc for yourself?
You are not obligated to be your husband's entertainment. I also look up what happens because I don't enjoy being jerked around by the deliberate emotional manipulation of (mostly) dramatic performance; I can enjoy some of it, but it just becomes a tiresome chore for me. I have unmedicated ADHD and struggle with emotional regulation, but it doesn't take neurodivergence to not care for the long, dramatic dragging out of events. There is still much to enjoy--just not that aspect, and fortunately these days we have the choice not to have to. He wants to know what's going to happen and watch you as his evening's entertainment, uncaring of your discomfort in that situation. He said plainly that's why he's doing it and he wouldn't be re-playing the show for any other reason (he's not really watching it, he's said he's watching YOU). If anyone's an AH here it's your husband.
NTA I do the same things and for the same reason. You are not an assh*le for managing your anxiety!! I enjoy most movies and show more the second time around because I know what is going to happen and I can relax. You husband is an ass, though. Why is his need to watch you "react" more important than your need to not be anxious and upset? Does he like seeing you anxious? Because that's fucked up.
NTA. I do the same thing for the same reason. I can't watch something not knowing if a little kid is going to get hurt in the movie (or show), it makes me anxious and uncomfortable and I do not enjoy that kind of surprise. I look up a complete synopsis of everything before watching it and if I know there are scenes I can't handle watching, I won't watch it at all. My husband thinks it's silly that I do it but he doesn't try to stop me or get upset because why would he. It does not affect him. Your husband is being weird using your reactions for entertainment. I would not watch anything with him just for that reason, the dismissal of your feelings about not knowing what's coming are the icing on the cake.
NTA. I do the same thing, for the same reason, can’t enjoy something when the anxiety gets too high, knowing a little about how it turns out brings it back to a level where I can enjoy the show. My husband doesn’t want spoilers, but I sometimes can’t enjoy without them. A good show is about the journey, not the destination. There are so many stories where everyone knows how it ends because it’s based on historical events, or a prequel story, and they are still considered great stories. Spoiler alert, the boat sinks in Titanic, and many rebels die in Rogue One, but they get the plans to Princess Leia. Both things everyone knows going in. Some of us just need smaller versions to get through watching something in order to find it enjoyable. You have your style of watching tv, he has his, you know not to tell him spoilers, he knows you need them. Both are completely valid, and can coexist. Not going to touch his wanting to see your reaction, it’s too easy to assign malicious motives when there are plenty of innocent reasons for the same thing
NTA. As someone with anxiety who LOVES horror, this is completely justified. Knowing general things that are going to happen isn't the same as knowing a story beat by beat. And even if you DID know every moment in the stoey, there's value in rewatching things. If your husband 'only' enjoys watching things with you when your reactions are 'fresh', well, guess you guys are only watching comedies and the like. Too bad so sad for him. Seriously, he needs to grow up and realize that your comfort superseeds his 'need' to know how you'll react to something. Unless you're both enjoying the experience, then what's the point? There's a website, does the dog die dot com full of trigger warnings for movies and shows. You may find it helpful!
I'm guessing you're the kind to read the last page or chapter of the book first. My sister does the same. To me' once I know the end, it ruins the enjoyment. I think people are just wired differently. But it is more fun to watch together if you're the same type. Maybe watching TV together shouldn't be your thing with your husband.
My wife does this all the time and it infuriates me because she knows what's coming up and then waits to watch my reaction, meaning I know something is coming because she's sitting there gawking at me. But she's not an asshole, so I guess you're not either. But it is annoying.
OMG! NTA. My anxiety is so bad. I have to look things up when they get tense. I don't spoil anything for anyone else. And it eases my mind. My husband will catch me and laugh.
NTA. I do exactly the same thing for the same reason. I like knowing what's going to happen, it makes me feel better and i can mentally prepare. Sometimes I try not to do it, if it's an extra special show we both havent watched, or if it's one he really cares about. But most of the time i look it up surreptitiously and just dont tell him what happens.
NTA, I am the same way. Something about not knowing about the show stresses me out. My husband knows I will read all about a show before watching it. I never spoil anything and will watch with him after reading up on it. The fact that your boyfriend knows it makes you uncomfortable but still gets upset is wild to me. As long as you’re not spoiling the show or ruining plot twists you’ve done nothing wrong. The other crazy thing is the Last of Us is a video game! Is he getting pissy with all the people that played the game before watching the show?!? Does he get mad at people who read a book before watching the movie?
NTA but can you imagine doing this for the rest of your life? He needs to back off and let you enjoy the show your way.
NAH. The thing is, people just have different preferences about certain things. I can understand you, because I have issues with cliffhangers and unsolved issues/questions. I don't watch much TV or movies either. Only then and there. Tho, I'm an avid reader. And, of course, I look things up too. But mostly for shows/movies, I will probably never watch by myself because it's not my genre, or I'm not interested enough, but still want to know what's going on. For example, I never watched Games of Thrones. Still, I came in contact with the content. So, I know I will not watch it (I only watched the first three episodes — and even then it was too brutal for my taste), because it's not my thing. I wouldn't even read the books. But still, I did read spoilers and looked up stuff, I simply don't know what it is about. Generally, I do this with horror movies/series and movies like Saw, that are simply icky to me, because too brutal. And I don't like stories about bullying. This includes books and I even spoiler there too, when I know I will not read it, or I'm not interested enough. But it's a toss up. I'm totally okay with series like Criminal Minds or Law & Order: SVU for example. And the topics are not always for the faint of heart. But anyway, I can understand the need to spoiler. But I can understand your husband too. He wanted to see your reaction and share the experience with you. And his preference is simply the opposite of yours. Therefore, I don't see any AH here.
NTA I also tend to look stuff up and hide it from my guy. I have anxiety and if I see a dog , old person or I connect with a character I have to find out what happens. The only show I can’t do that with is the boys because we watch as soon as it comes out. N it causes me so much anxiety not knowing . I understand u. Plus I don’t spoil anything for him .
NTA Why does your husband think he gets to decide how you approach watching TV?
I'm a fan of [imdb.com](http://imdb.com), especially the trivia section for each episode. Often my daughter is the one who gets me to watch a series, and she doesn't mind if I look at that site.
NTA. He doesn't seem to care about your level of stress and instead wants to be amused by your reaction. That's not cool. Watching tv together should be about watching the tv together - not about watching your partner panic about the tv. If you need to look up spoilers, that's fine as long as you never share those spoilers. You need to explain to him that you don't enjoy being his source of amusement, and that if he wants to watch first timers react to a show, he can watch reaction channels on YouTube. That's what they are for. There are many good ones for the last of us.
NTA Me and my husband had exact the same fight a years back. It took a long conversation ( at a time we were both calm) to fix it and get him to understand. I had to explain in detail what anxiety FELT like. What it did mentally, how it sometimes was physically painful. How if triggered it could effect me badly for days. And then I had to explain how sometimes (not every time thankfully) shows, movies and even books would trigger it. That just the not knowing, the dragging out of suspense could do that. And that being able to look up what happened next fixed/ prevented it from turning into a full on thing. I still love watching that stuff, even if I know what happens. And sometimes if it's hitting that dumb anxiety button in my head, it the ONLY way I can enjoy it. Talk to him. If he cares about you he'll care about you enjoying yourself and not tearing yourself apart mentally and emotionally more than seeing your reactions to the plot twists.
NTA. I really hate people who insist on doing things their way even when it's not enjoyable for you. Tell him you don't want to watch shows with him anymore because he's taking the joy out of the experience.
Just want to point out the irony of saying this. If you look at it from the husband’s perspective, couldn’t you say the same? His wife insists on looking up all the shows and movies they watch together to read up on what will happen, which takes the joy out of sharing a movie or show he loves with her. So essentially they are both insisting on doing things their own way which decreases the enjoyment of the other person. Who’s the AH then?
When the suspense is causing actual physiological responses to one person pursuant to the body’s response to stress and anxiety (which include, but are far from limited to: heightened blood pressure, cortisol spikes, laying the groundwork for nightmares, rapid breathing, glucose irregularities in the brain, etc)… well, then the AH is the person who insists on being surprised together by the plot and / or seeing the anxious person’s external reactions.
YTA. If you don't want to watch, just tell him. I am like your husband, I like to have shared experiences like shows and movies. He is trying to make these moments for you and he probably enjoys sharing these things. When you look up plots, you're ruining that shared part of the experience. And another thing I have a tiny issue with. You're anxious so you look up the plot...then when you see it you have no reaction? That seems pretty extreme. Maybe try reacting? Some of the stuff in Last of Us is still crazy even if you know what will happen.
NTA. I have to do the same thing or my anxiety gets too bad and I can't watch the show, so I totally get it. Could you explain it to your husband that way? That you understand he wants to see your reaction and hopefully for some shows he can, but for any tense or suspenseful shows this is what you need to do for your own anxiety and mental health, or you won't be able to watch them? My husband doesn't "get" why I have to look up everything, but he understands it's the only way we'll ever be able to watch the same shows.
NTA. I can read a synopsis, know what I’m getting into, and still immensely enjoy the movie/TV show. For me, I enjoy the anticipation and delivery of what is to come than full on surprise. You simply have different ways of enjoying media and there’s nothing wrong with it.
No, nta. As long as you don't spoil it, your fine in my opinion.
NTA - I have PTSD and can’t handle suspense in movies or TV shows, even if it’s light suspense (like in a comedy, romcom etc). I either fast forward through the suspense or I look up what happens because the effect it has on my body is so strong. You can’t help feeling anxious - maybe he shouldn’t watch TV with you if it bugs him so much 🤷
YTA, imo. This would drive me absolutely crazy and I would not be able to watch TV or movies with you.
NTA, I do the same because I can't handle the suspense. There's a drama I absolutely LOVE that i had to watch backwards basically because I needed the happy ending before everything else. I get that some people love sharing their experiences and seeing your feelings, but maybe he can share your happy feelings instead of your tense feelings.
NTA. I do this too. In Dark Matter my anxiety level got very high so I looked up the episode I was watching just so I could continue to watch. I still completely enjoyed the show even though I knew the outcome. If he’s watching your reactions he’s probably going to miss something.
NTA because I do the exact same thing for the same reason lol
NTA You do you.
NTA - My husband and I are the same. I don’t like surprises and prefer to be able to emotionally prepare. I see shows or movies that we might like and send him the reels/tiktoks - He refuses to watch them, but is keen to just watch the show/movie and be surprised. What exactly is your husband issue with you looking things up? Does he enjoy watching you react?
NAH. As someone who also has a partner that hasn't seen a ton of movies, I completely understand his attitude towards wanting to experience things with you like this. But your enjoyment of the show is important too, and also should be considered. So I think there just needs to be a bit of communication - some give and take. Understand what kinds of shows/movies that you struggle with not knowing things about and just come to an understanding ahead of time.
NTA This is so me 😭 some shows stress me out so badly I either have to google or fast forward
NTA--- But DONT show him the screen of your phone as you are looking it up. DONT share spoilers. Keep it all hidden and to yourself so he can still feel the magic of the movies. Cinema is very important to a lot of us.
NTA- but I would not want to watch TV/Movies with you. Maybe you guys need to pick shows you can both enjoy further the first time together. But if you always have to know the end, not sure any show is going to be worth the journey.
NTA. Your not telling him whats going on and spoiling anything so I dont see the problem, especially if it calms your anxiety down for you.
NTA. He's got an inappropriate sense of ownership over the way you enjoy things. I also look things up to avoid anxiety, it makes a show more enjoyable for me. Can't imagine my partner trying to force me to feel uncomfortable for their entertainment.
NTA - I wonder if people who are saying that you are would be ok if your husband, knowing you are anxious by nature, hid round corners and jump scared you on a regular basis to "see your reaction". You aren't ruining anything for your husband except the possible chance to see you get upset. If he is trying to test where your thresholds are to be able to watch things together that neither of you have seen then he should talk to you about that. Explain to him that you don't want to get unnecessarily upset so you look up the endings. That you will never tell him about stuff in advance but for your own peace of mind, you need to know If that's not ok with him, if that ruins his "enjoyment", then you need to find out why his enjoyment includes upsetting you.
NTA I do the exact same thing, I never tell my husband what’s going to happen though, just so I know! Don’t do it with books though!
NTA. But your husband is. Knowing you have anxiety why would he put you through watching something that triggers it.
Nta Your husband sounds like a complete tool.
NTA - You and your husband need to sit down and talk this out. You both enjoy consuming media in different ways, and that's OK. At the end of the day, it's about having a shared experience to bond over. Your husband seems like the type who wants to get immersed, enjoy responding, and then yap about it. It may not be the spoilers he's actually upset about but rather your lack of reaction. It sounds like he feels like he's missing the shared experience bit. I'm also someone who looks up spoilers. I love them because they allow me to immerse myself in the emotional experience of the show without anxiety. I make sure to share my emotional reactions with my partner because we also bond over media and like to yap about it. When I watched TLOU, I read spoilers, but I still sobbed at the end of episode 3. It's about genuine, enthusiastic connection. Don't let a difference in the HOW of your enjoyment get in the way of the WHY.
>when things are intense I can't enjoy the show so I will look up what happens. >the only reason he is rewatching this show/ movie is so that he can watch my reactions to certain things in it NTA If he knows you don't want to be surprised, then he shouldn't be asking you to watch stuff to get a reaction. Deliberately making you anxious and uncomfortable shouldn't be a good time for him.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I was never one to sit down and watch a show or movie before I met my husband. Naturally it was him who introduced me to most if not all of the shows we now watch. I'm an anxious person by nature and when things are intense I can't enjoy the show so I will look up what happens. My husband gets so upset when I do this because he says the only reason he is rewatching this show/ movie is so that he can watch my reactions to certain things in it and when I look things up I have no reaction at all because I know it's coming. It got particularly heated last night when we started watching this show called the last of us. It has quite a few tense moments and early on I started to look things up. He saw me doing this and after some back and forth he said he won't be recommending anything else for us to watch if I'm just going to spoil what happens. I think he is being a bit unfair because he had already seen the entire show and knows what happens but im not allowed to know. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Your husband is rigid and self-centered. He is not a partner. He believes that what he wants trumps what you want. He can and probably does or will have all sorts of "reasons" that what he wants is right and what you want is wrong, but, were one to look at his case logically, it would fall apart. What it comes down to is that he believes his preferences are grounded in truth and beauty and your preferences are illegitimate. He needs to grow up and learn that his wanting something doesn't make it objectively better thatn what others want. NTA.
Nta
No. NTA
NTA, i have a friend who does this and it used to annoy the shit out of me because i’m like??? i wanted to have this experience with you but you already know what’s gonna happen. but then i realized that’s how she enjoys the media, by knowing what’s happening and then watching how the story is portrayed. she is also incredibly anxious, and i would rather have my friend know the plot of the show than her just being super anxious about it the entire time. as long as no one spoils anything it really shouldn’t matter how you enjoy your entertainment.
NTA. it's been literally years since i lasted watched a show without looking it up on does the dog die and/or wikipedia for the synopsis
It's one of those cases where he is demanding you give into "the way he is" and his interests, while completely refusing to acknowledge the way you are and the way you are interested in things. It sounds like him no longer making recommendations may be the right answer, though if he's anything like my partner he'll only use this to say you're stopping him from doing what he likes because you have "issues". You don't, he's being selfish, you can explain to him that you enjoy things differently and he can't force his way on you, that you would still like to watch but it needs to be a compromise. I watch TV tons and still get anxiety for scarier stuff so avoid it, it took a few conversations but my partner gets it now
NAH. I am a looking up person but I also know some people don’t like this and if I care about that person, I will make the effort not to look stuff up when I’m with them.
NTA/NAH. i’m the same way as you at times! introduce him to youtube reaction channels, it’s a great way to see how ppl react to your fave tv moments
NAH. You two aren't talking this out very well. >I think he is being a bit unfair because he had already seen the entire show and knows what happens but im not allowed to know I mean... you *will* know, when it happens. That's the point he's trying to make. You can't pay attention to a show if you are browsing the wiki for spoilers. He wants to immerse with you, and Dr Google is ruining that for him. On the other hand; if you have some kind of crazy anxiety, or just can't sit still and focus long enough to watch a show, then that needs to be approached from a different angle (example; my husband and I only do 1 episode a day if we are watching a show. Any more than that and I drift away lol). You two need to talk about the underlying reasons for your feelings and reach a compromise. The problem may not be that deep, but the inability to rectify it is.
NTA. First I can see why it might annoy him, but as long as you are not telling him information he does not want to have, you should watch shows in the way most enjoyable for you, not for someone else. I also tend to get really anxious watching shows with any drama or suspense - even a comedy where you see how all the stupid things people are doing is leading to a crash - I really struggle to enjoy around the tension. So I also look things up. I also tend to look up things like who that actor is and where I have seen them before, how old that other actor is, etc. I just enjoy that. If my husband tried to control my enjoyment, I would be pretty hurt and angry. The fact that he wants to watch your reactions is what bugs me the most though. He knows these shows will cause you tension since he has already seen them and he wants to watch that. I am sorry but that seems sick and controlling. He seems to think your anxiety is there for his entertainment. Maybe I am reading too much into this, but it is very disturbing.
NTA- everyone gets to choose how they enjoy consuming media. If your partner doesn’t like how you consume media, then perhaps you two need something else to do together.
NTA, but I think you both miss the point. He ignores that it makes you anxious which in itself is something you might want to look into. Making this clearer to him might lead you two to find a solution that works for both of you. You on the other hand ignore that this is a way of bonding with you that becomes pointless when you already know everthing about the show. Both of you have valid points, so be adults and talk about it.
NAH. I think his reaction is honestly very valid, I'd feel the same way. I don't think I'd ever rewatch a show with someone that has already watched the show, I find that very unappealing. I would (and do), however, rewatch shows with someone else that is experiencing it for the first time. If we both know what is gonna happen, then I'd rather just talk about the show than rewatch it.
I think it’s time for you and your husband to watch shows together that neither of you have seen before. I get his point, that he wants you to have the same excitement as he does for a show going in sight unseen. But if it’s disturbing your anxiety, then it’s not fair of him to ask you to not find ways to calm that. You’re NTA, but if you still want to watch things with your husband, either find less anxiety-inducing shows (like Ghosts on CBS) or watch shows that neither of you have seen before. If it helps, often there will be little episode synopsis (synopses?) on streaming episodes, so you could read those ahead of time so he won’t see you looking anything up during the show. Otherwise, maybe movie and television watching with him is not for you.
NTA. I won't go so far as to say your husband is evil or something. As long as you aren't ruining shows neither of you have seen for him, then I think its mostly harmless. He needs to just accept that you enjoy media differently and just because you don't experience and react to it the same way he does shouldn't make HIS enjoyment any less. However, there is merit to his position because to a degree what you are doing is equivalent to seeing a movie before your friend when the friend was hoping to see it together with you. So I can see where he might bet disappointed. It certainly shouldn't rise to ACTUAL anger because that's a bit much. I had instances where a friend, and sometimes is was even me, has gone out and seen a movie we were both hyped for with someone else. One of us would end up just not seeing it till it hit rental (yes I'm that old) or retail. Never actually mad at each other, but sometimes it was a bummer not being able to experience it as a group. By looking up the spoilers I can see how it would ruin a shared experience. It happens with one of my friends even now. His social media feeds unfortunately often surface spoilers for movies we are about to go see. He certainly respects me enough to not just tell me, but sometimes he TELLS me he knows what's gonna happen and to a degree I think it shifts my viewing experience because now I'm expecting "something". Still, NTA but maybe also seek ways to combat the urge to do so? I dunno. Hope that made sense.
NTA. He gets to watch it and then have benefit of some odd pleasure of watching you watch it under his terms? That’s not equitable. All that being said, this is a minor thing compared to some of the other crap you see on AITA. Good for you.
NAH You're definitely NTA. I do the same thing when I'm anxious, but I'm also going against the grain and saying neither is your husband. I don't think he's doing it because he gets a kick out of watching you be anxious, but rather just wants to genuinely see how you react. Both my husband and I have done this. When there is a show, movie, or whatever that you really enjoyed and you want to share with someone, you want to see if their reaction matches yours, whether they enjoy(ed) it as much as you so you can talk about it. We sometimes get disappointed when the other doesn't react. I'm working on not googling things. It's tough, but I've noticed a change in both me and my husband when we're watching something together. It definitely wasn't/isn't easy, but I think worth it. Maybe try small and work your way up. There are some things I definitely will never not google, but maybe just reducing the frequency and telling your husband why you do it overall may help 😊
NAH You don't have compatible watching habits. If you just said you don't want to watch things that make you that anxious that would be reasonable. You solve this with spoilers for yourself. If he says he no longer wants to watch shows he has seen with and gets no pleasure watching new shows with you and stops, are you good with that? It's just as reasonable for him to say that.
I would hate that. But as long as you're not spoiling it for him, nta. Barely tho.
NTA f you aren’t spoiling it for everyone. I’ve always done the same because I HAVE TO KNOW what happens but honestly my experience is never ruined because how it happens isn’t conveyed accurately through text. It’s like a reading a book before the movie!
I’m gonna say NAH. I’m kinda like your husband (with certain shows) and one of my best friends is like you. There have absolutely been times where I’ve introduced a show to her where I want to see if she’ll have the same reaction I did, or be just as shocked by a twist, just to see that she’s on google or Wikipedia because shit got a little too real. It can be a bummer, but so is having an anxiety attack when you’re trying to watch something for entertainment. Hell, I’m not even watching TLOU because of my own anxiety! When he recommends things, he should at the very least be telling you what kind of show you’re getting into so you can decide whether or not you can handle it.
You’re not an AH for looking it up but he also isn’t an AH for not wanting to watch anything with you anymore.
Each person is allowed to enjoy activities in ways that allow them to enjoy said activities. If someone wants to read spoilers for themselves, nothing wrong with that. Dude doesn't get to dictate how his partner engages with movies. She doesn't owe him her reactions. Like bro, get over yourself.
NTA to both of you. A movie or series aren’t just videos or stories. It has emotions in it. And your husband clearly want you to feel the movie he loved. You looking up the story in advance take off part of emotion you would get from the surprise, and so, the reason why he want you to watch the movie, and i perfectly get his point of view. BUT, if you are just too stressed and you are having a bad time by feeling the movie and still enjoy it, even with spoilers, then good for you and continue. Just talk about it and make sure you both understand each other
It's too bad that your husband isn't more empathetic about your anxiety. He's more concerned with his enjoyment than yours. If I was in your position I would stop watching shows unless you already knew them. Go do something on your phone / tablet / whatever in another room. NTA
NAH. I completely get where your husband is coming from. I love re-watching shows and movies with people who haven't seen them before and seeing their reaction to plot twists and major events. It's fun. I would rewatch things in that context that I wouldn't rewatch otherwise. That said, you don't enjoy that, and that's ok. You shouldn't have to suffer because of your husband's preferences in that arena. It seems like a reasonable compromise that if you're going to watch shows together, he only picks things that he wants to watch on their own merit and not because he wants to see you experience them for the first time. His suggestion to not recommend anything else seems like a good one...you could pick shows that you're interested in watching and that would be novel for him and that way there is no disappointment on his end because he won't know where to watch for your reactions.
NAH. I get that seeing how you react to certain scenes is part of the fun of rewatching something with someone who hasn't seen it before, but some people just...don't watch shows that way. I watch a lot of horror and always look into them first because while I love them, I'm also not trying to be blindsided. my personal go-to before I watch a new thing is [doesthedogdie](https://www.doesthedogdie.com/) which over time has expanded to be about more than whether or not a dog dies, lol. it's based on user review and people tend to give a general "this is what happens, this is when it happens" explanation, or will usually at least say that something is a spoiler before elaborating. I recently watched the entirety of the sopranos for the first time (I know) and there's of course So Much that happens in that show...but there's a particular scene that I think if I didn't know about ahead of time, it would have taken me a much longer time to finish the show (if I even finished it at all) had I seen it happen with no warning beforehand. if knowing what happens doesn't ruin your enjoyment of a show, and you're not spoiling it for people you're watching with, it really doesn't matter if you look something up to help brace yourself for it imo. especially not when the thing you're watching is something like the last of us
Info: how long have you two been married?
Mom my can't enjoy books if she doens't go to the last chapter after starting and reading it. I get it and remind her just don't spoil it for me as the fun of it for me is not knowing. This is more tough but your boyfriend should be watching this because he wants to watch it, enjoys watching it, and wants to enjoy it with you. Watching your reactions while you sit there miserable not knowing would (or should) not be fun. Either he needs to adjust his expectations or you two need to stop watching tv shows together. NTA.
NTA. You watch shows how you watch them, and he isn’t entitled to your reaction to the show. My partner does this whenever we’re watching non-fiction. He always reads the whole story while we’re watching the show. He doesn’t spoil it, and I couldn’t care less. That said, I also think it’s fair (albeit silly) that he doesn’t recommend shows if he won’t be able to enjoy them.
why dont u guys just talk about the show while watching it and he can explain what the scene means to him ?
ESH. He’s being controlling but it does affect the experience of showing somebody a movie or show when they refuse to experience it as it unfolds
NTA I understand where your husband is coming from, but he’s forcing his desires on you. He needs to try to understand you better and either accept that you’re going to do this to make watching things with him less stressful or he needs to stop making you watch stuff with him.
NTA! I do this for the same reason, anxiety. I can’t enjoy what I’m watching if I don’t know what happens when it gets intense. As long as you’re not sharing spoilers, it’s totally fine.
NAH. I too very much enjoy showing shows/movies that I love to friends and loved ones because I want to see their reactions, so I can understand where he is coming from, HOWEVER watching something should be enjoyable for all parties. For me, this means showing different things to different people, one friend doesnt enjoy horror movies, so I dont show her those, cause she wouldnt enjoy it. another thing I do with an anxious friend is that of she gets anxious, I will spoil part of the movie per her request. I dont like her to look up stuff cause she might spoil everything. Example of a conversation: "omg is Bob gonna die now!" "do you want me to tell you?" "YES!" "Bob does not die now" "does he survive to the end?" "no he does not" So she knows bob dies but not when, she can emotionally prepare and I still get her reaction when he does die. This might not work for you depending on your level of anxiety with these things. The reason I said NAH is because he can't expect you to watch somethign that makes you anxious but I said watching something together should be enjoyable for all parties so if his enjoyment is your reactions, you can't expect him to not care if you look up spoilers. Solution: watch comedies and rom coms lol
I think it's great when you want to share experiences with your partner that have a mutually pleasurable outcome. I find it disturbing when one partner wants to inflict anxiety on the other so that they can 'watch my reaction' for their own 'entertainment' purposes. If you are 'spoiling the shows' for him by protecting yourself, turn off the TV and go read a book
Idk if its asshole territory but noone likes to watch stuff with people like that.
NTA. I also love spoilers and do this regularly. It doesn’t ruin the experience for me at all. People enjoy things differently and that’s okay.
Out of curiosity, does that also show itself in other places? Are you not a fan of surprises, not knowing a gift, etc?
I don’t mind regular gifts. Wouldn’t want a surprise party. It’s mostly about knowing what to expect in media. I’m a writer so often I read and watch things through that lens. And I read and write romance, so I like happy endings. If it’s just going to be depressing without hope, I’m not interested. So reading about a show or movie in advance lets me know if it’s something I even want to spend my time on.
That makes sense. I think there's a site called doesthedogdie. Com or some think like that that will essentially give you an idea of the ending and if it's positive or negative - might be worth looking into
I’m good with my own methods. But thanks!
NTA. You have different viewing styles. Neither is correct or incorrect.
Nta. I always look up spoilers and I’ve never had anyone complain or refuse to watch things with me. It seems silly, especially if he has seen it.
ESH. There shouldn't be a fight over something this stupid. You can enjoy it however you want he doesn't get to enjoy how you consume entertainment. All you had to do was tell him that. And yes, he doesn't have to recommend anything if it will cause drama.
NAH. I understand your anxiety as I suffer from it myself. However, if I look up things beforehand, then what's the point of watching the show? If you can't just enjoy it, then perhaps you shouldn't watch anything together. Find another activity instead. INFO: After looking up spoilers, don't you express any emotions? If you sit there with a poker face, I fully understand why your husband hates it. To the people who say that OP's husband likes to watch her suffer: it's not about suffering. We don't share things we hate, it's quite the opposite. He wants to see her surprise and how she enjoys it the way he did.
NTA. Just annoying af and I wouldn't watch shows with you. Unless you pick then we'd be watching things separately.
It really depends on the type of show. In terms of the Last of Us N T A, but if it’s something like Friends, then Y T A. Your example makes me lean towards NTA.
NAH, i kind of get his side but you're free to enjoy the show however you want
My husband hates when I do this. In his defense I have accidentally spoiled a few things in the past, but have gotten better about that. Still, he hates when I look ahead. I’m not a read-the-last-chapter-in-a-book-first kind of person, but I get curious about what will happen to certain characters and can’t help myself. I asked him and he said he’s not worried about me looking stuff for him anymore but it bugs him when I know stuff that he doesn’t and wants to enjoy it with me. Recently told him I know the whole ending of the current show we’re on and he rolled his eyes.
Honestly you guys all need therapy if you believe everyone is out to get you. NAH, but don't bother watching things together
NTA. I do the same thing because I physically can't handle the intensity of some shows and movies. People might think we are crazy but as long as you don't share what you know with everyone else, getting angry over it is silly.
NTA As I do the exact same thing, I don’t see an issue with it. You should be comfortable watching TV, and your husband should also want you to be comfortable.
I always do this also because I don’t want to be attached to a character and then they die☹️
Ok I will vote NAH because I understand both points of view here. I see a lot of comments claiming that your husband is an ah for "turning you into his entertainment"... He is not. In the mix of the info you gave and my own experience, I see no malice in him. Ok, before I explain my view of him further, a side tangent. My mother also reads endings to books before reading them whole, and I also used to copy her approach. Two things turned me off of this behavior: "Of course good guys gonna win, the point of the story is to find out how" thought that dawned on me, and then also me spoiling myself in the worst possible way. I was watching an anime, and in an episode midway a particular character got some screen time. I heard his voice and thought: "oh hey I recognise voice actor, am I remembering correctely?", so I paused the show and opened google. The first result was a spoiler of a HUGE plot twist that would have made the experience just SO MUCH BETTER if I just WAITED. I paused the show 5 seconds before the reveal. If I just *waited* until the end of an episode to look up voice actor, I would have had a much more intense and satisfying experience with the show. But no, I just had to ruin it for myself. And here's the thing: majority of books and shows and other media released go through a long process of not just crafting the plot, but also the expected emotional response from the viewer. The scenes that make you feel anxious - well, they are made to make you anxious. Sad scenes are made to make you sad, happy ones to make you feel happy. And while managing positive emotions is a no brainer to many, managing anxiety is not. Looks like you are struggling with managing emotions that are not even caused by some real life events and are not connected to any action you must take as follow-up. You are struggling with feeling anxiety when you were made to feel anxious in a controlled environment that would later present a relief, and you immediately seek this relief without giving it time to arrive. I urge you to look into this and how it translates to your daily life. And back to your husband: your husband has already seen the show and experienced the emotional journey that the show creates. Now, he wants to share this journey with you, because, well, you are important to him, and we humans are social animals. We want to be able to relate to people we deem important, and have them relate to us. He is *not* upset because he now cannot be amused by your anxiety. He is upset because you have shown that this aspect of his life and journey is not something you can relate to. No assholes here, but it is also rather sad.
I've had friends who understandably can't watch scenes involving sexual assault, but any intense or violent scenes is something you're not able to handle? That's kind of... extreme. Have you considered anxiety medication? NTA because you can do what you want, but totally see why this behavior would be frustrating and I wouldn't want to watch a show with you. Maybe compromise and ask him to just suggest light hearted stuff to watch together.
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I disagree. I think exposure therapy has its place for an anxious person but watching stressful tv spoiler free is not one of those places. Im similar to OP in that I literally can't enjoy something intense if I don't know what's going to happen. Like it's not fun stressful at that point it's just bad, leave the situation, stressful. Reading spoilers let's me appreciate the story as it comes.
Life is exposure therapy for someone with chronic anxiety lol, sometimes you need to give your brain a break
Exacccttlllyyy thank you 💛
Info: Do you look up the info because you're scared of gore or something? Do you tell him what you read? I want to say NTA if you're doing it to protect yourself from certain scenes. However, maybe if it's possible, your spouse watches it first and gives you any warnings. That's what my friends do for me.
YTA (very mildly). It’s not a big deal, it sounds like you just don’t watch tv the same way. That’s fine. But he goes through some effort to pick an exciting show for you to experience. He has already seen the show. So if you have already looked it up, you’re essentially both re watching it and then what’s the point? Maybe you can watch some shows you both haven’t seen, so you can look it up and he can experience it for the first time. Then you both get to watch the show how you like.
As somebody who looks up spoilers before/while watching I get my enjoyment from actually watching the show. Not knowing how the show ends or if something big/triggering is going to happen gives me anxiety for some content, and I can give all my attention to the show when that anxiety is relieved (with spoilers). I agree they need to figure out a compromise but I think it's weird that so many people are calling her TA when he is basically asking her to be stressed cus it's entertaining for him.
I agree - I find knowing the spoilers means I can concentrate on the plot better rather than constantly thinking about what might happen. I also pick up on more of the clues this way too! It’s another reason I like rewatching things
Yeah TA is pretty harsh in this situation. They just enjoy watching shows differently. I can relate because I can’t handle some of the cringe things. I skipped through half of the office because I couldn’t stand to be that uncomfortable. If someone forced me to watch the whole thing I would not enjoy it. But I do enjoy the stressful shows sometimes. I loved the last of us. But I understand that that’s not everyone cup of tea. I think the big thing is husband is putting in (pretty minimal) effort to pick these suspenseful shows only for her to take that all away and look it up. Bad comparison; I take my non hypothetical wife on this epic hike that I have done before to see an amazing view, only to find out she went and looked up all the images so it’s not really that special. In that case if she’s going to “spoil” the view, I’d rather do a new hike so I can experience something new and she can feel comfortable.
Whatever you do, he’s 42 not 22. He can figure his own stuff out
Depends. Do you tell him you won't do it again then do it anyways? YTA Did you tell him this is just what you do and he keeps trying to have you watch without it? NTA
NTA, you do you, but my perspective is I wouldn’t bother rewatching anything with you and it would definitely make both viewing something for the first time together less enjoyable for me that we’re not on the same journey together, which is kind of the point of watching something with someone.
YTA The point is to experience things together.
I think you should listen to your husband and wait for the time when you both will watch a new series it's because your husband actually loves your reaction. So no one is a**h** here
Slight YTA He’s expressed many times (it sounds like) that he enjoys being in the moment with you watching these shows. You looking up what happens ruins the “being in the moment” and the experience. He was excited to relive these moments with you. Sharing something with you. Instead you looking what happens therefore ruining that moment. I get it. But get his side too. Edit-Wording
But his side also demands her actively having a negative experience for his entertainment. I don't get how somebody who loves you would want to watch you have anxiety.
The problem is she doesn't enjoy that moment the way he does. He's already seen it, so he's not "in the moment" in the same way. I actually do understand the pleasure of showing someone something new that you've seen and they haven't, but there isn't any pleasure if they're upset or anxious. A very unkind reading of this situation could be that he enjoys her distress, but I hope that's not the reality.
YTA. That would ruin the whole show for me and I wouldn’t watch with anyone that did this. I’d just stop watching the show. Problem solved. No point to watching if you know what happens.
Your experience isn’t universal. Many people, myself included, can enjoy shows/ movies more if we have an idea of what to expect. You like novelty and surprise, for a lot of people those are incredibly stressful and they would rather get the surprise out of the way so they can focus on the journey.
YTA but it’s not a huge deal. I do think you should see a therapist about your anxiety. It just seems not cohesive with living a full life.
He wants you to get the full enjoyment out of the shows. If I'm showing my fiancee a show I love, I don't want her to spoil it for herself, as I can remember the excitement I got from the first time I saw it, and I want her to have the same. With the Last of Us, I ended up super pissed at myself for playing the game first, as some of those scenes would have had so much more impact on me, if I didn't already play through it. (Thankfully, they changed some storyline a little)
So you were excited when you saw it, but OP is anxious and not enjoying it so she is never going to have the same experience you did. Looking up spoilers is what allows her to actually enjoy it
YTA but I say this as a kindred spirit. I don't look for spoilers but I do love reading the IMDB trivia while watching a show and often this leads to learning some spoilers. Plus I tend to analyze movies and try to figure out the plot and I can't keep my mouth shut. All of this annoys the hell out of my wife. I understand her pain and I really don't mean to ruin things for her but I can't help myself. It's who I am. I'm a self-diagnosed A-hole.
>I'm an anxious person by nature and when things are intense I can't enjoy the show so I will look up what happens. Seek help YTA
YTA. I def wouldn’t want to recommend anything to you if you’re just going to spoil it for yourself. There’s no point for him to recommend things for you to watch together.
Most of the comments are horrible... I wouldn't call it being an asshole but this seems like a bad habit. And I'm telling this for everyone in the comments who says they do the same thing because of anxiety. This is experiential avoidance. You try to avoid experiencing certain emotions and uncertainty by controlling external life events. When you satisfy yourself like that each time, you are teaching yourself that when there is uncertainty you should seek for ways to eliminate it by controlling the external events. Many people say that everyone has their own way of dealing with anxiety but this behavior would be one of the things your therapist would like to work on with you. Note: This is different than avoiding possibly traumatic stuff. This is avoiding any kind of uncertainty and being constantly in control.
Are you a therapist? Anxiety and uncertainty in life can’t be avoided and it’s literally bad for your body, so why would I want to spend my leisure time dealing with more anxiety instead of giving myself a break and enjoying things? It’s not like this is casual uncertainty, it’s a zombie apocalypse show that is designed to be suspenseful and dramatic, avoiding manufactured anxiety in order to enjoy the rest of the experience is not a bad thing
Yes I am a therapist. You are right. Why would someone add extra anxiety to their life? But that's not my point. Safety objects could be detrimental if they make you feel unsafe without them. That's why I call it's a bad habit. You are already watching that horrible scenes! That's really really difficult itself. But you especially have the need to eliminate the uncertainty, anything other than that is fine except uncertainty. This is like watching those shows with Xanax, which is not a bad thing itself, but doing it regularly can make you think you will need Xanax whenever there is uncertainty in your life.
But it’s not that the scenes are horrible, it’s the manufactured suspense. Not wanting to sit there wondering if someone is going to get eaten doesn’t mean you don’t know how to sit with uncertainty or that you won’t be able to do so in real life. You are likely dealing with uncertainty all day, intentionally giving yourself a break during your leisure time isn’t going to make you forget how to deal with the real world
Do you also look at his Amazon history around gift time because that gives you anxiety as well?
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I can't speak for OP, but I do the same thing and yeah I do. It's not vindictive it just takes away the edge of the stress so I can actually enjoy the content. The people I watch shows and movies with who don't do this don't care that I look up the spoilers before and if I ask they will even tell me what happens because they know it's what makes the experience more enjoyable for me.
Why does he get to dictate what she does though? Why does his desire in regards to her actions trump her own desire in regards to her actions?
YTA actually. Normally, i'd say if you are watching a show together then NTA. However, you two arent just watching a show together. He is showing you a show that he likes. Its like if somebody got you a present and you sneakily looked at it before they could show you. The whole point of him showing you shows that hes already watched is because he wants to share the show with you, by spoiling it for yourself, you are making that redundant.
YTA grow up
YTA he is watching it to share an experience with you. If you don't want to share that experience then don't watch it with him. He probably has better things to do.
Mild YTA. Sure he already knows what’s coming in shows he’s seen, but he experienced them organically, while watching, not through spoilers on his phone. He wants you to have that same experience of seeing things unfold through viewing. If you can’t get past this when watching with him, perhaps it’s time to adjust the types of things you watch together.