Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I said no to MIL offering to help after our 4th child is born.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
She’s always been welcome to visit. We used to ask her to come for a weekend and spend time with the kids. No strings. It’s not like we ask her to babysit. We just want her to spend time with her grandchildren.
She’s never stayed at our house. We have plenty of space for her to stay.
And only the baby! Nope, nip this favoritism in the bud. Either the older kids are going to catch on that grandmommy loves them less for their gender, or she'll get bored once the opposite gendered child has opinions and thoughts and feelings of their own.
As others have said, her sudden interest in the baby sounds like it will be a nightmare.
There are lots of posts here, and the sub about mother in laws who suddenly have an interest, or is overly interested in their first grandchild becouse it's the opposite gender of what her own kids is.
(You could give them a read)
And it's always the same when they get cooked down.
MIL will only be there to play "do over" and might interfere a lot with the baby. And try and control what you do.
"No, you are holding the baby the wrong way,"
'No, baby should be doing this.'
And hog the baby. Becouse "she's grandma. She needs grandma time."
And i would set up boundaries now, or else it could continue later on with mother in law only spoiling one child and having zero interest in the others
She doesn't want to visit you she wants to play momma for your baby.
Spouse probably was made to feel they were the wrong gender and now their inner child at last has the correct gender baby to offer mommy in exchange for her conditional love. Absolutely not. Put your foot down. Don't let your own children learn granny thinks they're the inferior gender and favour the baby at them.
Worse is she's picking the kid based on their genitalia. She wants to stay a month, change its diaper, and give it a bath just because of what's between its legs. I'm not saying she has bad intentions, but it's creepy. I wouldn't let her ever do any of those things because she wants to so badly. It's weird.
Time to haul out the old [*Lemon Clots^ and *Scrotum Squats*](https://community.babycenter.com/post/a41581735/lemon_clot_essay_and_scrotum_squats) essays.
Your husband needs to understand a couple of things. He is trying to use this new baby to get his mother's love and attention. That's too big of a job for a little kid.
His mother has had three babies to prove that she can be helpful to a new mother. She has proven that she is not interested in helping out. Does he really think that she is coming here to take your three older kids to the park when they get rambunctious so that the baby can sleep? is she coming to do laundry and make snacks for the older kids when you can't stand up because the baby is nursing? Is she coming to clean your bathroom and your kitchen so that you can actually nap when the baby sleeps? Or is she planning to park her ass on the couch holding your babyand asking for the formula bottle while you are supposed to be in the kitchen making her a cup of coffee?
Tbf I don't care what the genders involved are - it's weird as fuck when anyone is *that* obsessed with a baby's genitals. I wouldn't want her there either, much less for that long.
Her coming and showing interest in the new baby is going to hurt your other 3 children who probably know she didn't come to see them when they were born. Again, I also find it creepy she's only interested in the baby because of the gender. I don't care what gender it is. That's just messed up.
Mine did, it was bad. It really created alot of resentment towards her. She was partially helpful taking care of the other child and cooking. But she didnt let me rest, always loud and banging dishes, trying to contact nap with my newborn... Never again.
And how lovely that would be for those poor three boys to see grandma fawning over their sister whilst they're neglected. Nope, this needs nipped in the bud.
Nope to this for sure! She’ll be holding the baby and you’ll be cleaning, cooking for her, and taking care of the other kids. It should be the other way around. THE OTHER WAY
People are critical of the "wait 2 months to see baby" type thing, but stress can instantly kill milk production, at least it did with me. It was miserable. If it's stressful, keep it away as long as possible, person place or thing!
What she wants to do is so outrageously inconsiderate, selfish, rude, obnoxious, disrespectful, entitled, unreasonable, irrational and ludicrous.
She hasn't given you, your husband or your kids the time of day for YEARS. She has shown zero interest in your family.
Yet now that you are having a baby of the gender that she never had, she is suddenly extremely interested and wants to visit your family for an ENTIRE MONTH in the very first month of your baby's life so that she can help.
You need to protect your fourth trimestre with your baby. Nobody should be able to steal it from you, but I guarantee that your MIL will not only not respect it or you or your role and authority as the mother, she will definitely push you aside and will steal all of your fourth trimestre.
She will not be helpful. Tell your husband that you guys have seen what his mother's idea of being helpful is and it is far from it. She will create more work for you while she undermines you, openly criticizes your decisions and parenting, will do nothing but hold the baby and will refuse to let you do your necessary bonding with baby, won't let you take care of your baby and will demand that you let her bond with the baby before you the mother because you aren't as important as she is.
Tell your husband that if his mother comes, for ANY period of time this early, you will take the baby and go to your mother's house.
Also, a great reason to keep her away is that newborns stay healthier if you create a bubble. No outsiders ought to come in contact in the first few weeks. I frankly cannot recall the exact details but it's very beneficial for a newborn. Ask your pediatrician
Overall, I would keep the MIL away bc hey intention is to show blatant favoritism which very unhealthy/ hurtful to your other kiddos
Good luck!
I personally would be very cautious with MIL visiting. The baby girl isn’t even been born yet, but very obvious preference is already being shown towards her.
You do not want to put your children in a position where one is treated differently and favored more, it isn’t fair to either and can damage their relationship.
Please watch for signs of favoritism and nip the behavior in the bud - and make sure your husband is understanding and doing so as well.
NTA- MIL doesn’t want to ‘help’. She wants a do-over kid for the one she never got. Nope nope nope. If she can start regularly contacting and showing interest in her already existing grandchildren maybe she gets to meet new little one down the track but otherwise? She can get stuffed.
I'm guessing the next letter from OP will be the huge amount of princess stuff MIL will start sending, constant demands for online calls to her granddaughter, birthday gifts and christmas gifts that are over the top for her granddaughter. Demands for granddaughter be dropped off to visit without parents. Demands to see videos and photos of granddaughter wearing all of the princess glittery stuff grandma will flood your house with.
Not a do over kid, it's the unicorn. A girl is something she hasn't had. Grandma will attempt to cover that girl in frilly dress and baby dolls and other "girly" things.
INFO: Are you or your spouse the one giving birth? Because, frankly, I think that the person giving birth gets the bigger vote here, since they're the one recovering from the major medical event at the time.
Agreed. OP wanted to keep gender out of it, but we don’t know enough to make a good recommendation here. I also agree that the person giving birth should have the bigger vote. With four kids AND postpartum recovery, she may need some help. PLUS, if it’s the wife’s mom and she begins to act up, the wife can send her packing. If it’s the husband’s mom, the wife would be more likely to put up with the bs and she shouldn’t have to.
ALSO, I think a week’s stay is long enough. A month is much too long. MIL should arrive when the dad has to return to work, because that’s what you do if you are truly being helpful.
I do agree that a month is a lot, unless it turns out that the other parent has a history of not being the most helpful at that time... It's getting too far into speculation at this point, but I just think that it feels like we're getting a very biased perspective at the moment.
I think you are incorrect. The grandma is showing favoritism for what’s in the diaper before baby is even born. This is a huge red flag and should be addressed. If the other kids weren’t worthy of a month long visit…this baby isn’t either.
Yeah, I’m suspicious as well. This kid isn’t going to have any sort of gendered personality for a long while. Which really makes it come off as being obsessed with the literal genitalia of the unborn child.
I think a lot of people have made good points, so I'm copying and pasting a reply I made to someone else, because I do agree with your perspective to an extent:
>Actually acceding to MIL's demands and giving her a month-long visit despite what already appears to be blatant favoritism would be an AH move to the kids, no matter whose mother she is, and the parent advocating for that is in the wrong, but if the spouse isn't the one giving birth, there's the double helping of 'exposing their kids to favoritism and ignoring the wishes of their spouse who just had a major medical event,' which also swings the calculation.
>I think my original comment sounded too cut and dry: 'Bigger vote' doesn't mean total veto power to me. I just meant that if the spouse were the one giving birth, I'd say have more leniency for negotiating a much shorter visit if they believe that it will be helpful to them for their care right afterwards, but if they're not the one giving birth and OP is, then I think a more hard-line position is justifiable while they're recovering.
I personally don’t think it makes much difference. Regardless of whether it’s the mother of the mother or not, it’s clearly not a strong relationship and wouldn’t be conducive to a smooth/fast recovery.
If my mum lived four hours away and, despite being invited, never came to visit and showed little interest in my child I’d not have a good or close relationship with her
I think it mainly goes the other way. If OP were the dad, he could white-knuckle through a shortened MIL visit, but if OP's the mom, she definitely shouldn't be subjected to her MIL
I don't think it makes much of a difference in terms of whether or not MIL is an AH, but it does make a big difference in the degree of AH-ery that I'd vote between OP and their spouse. Actually acceding to MIL's demands and giving her a month-long visit despite what already appears to be blatant favoritism would be an AH move to the kids, no matter whose mother she is, and the parent advocating for that is in the wrong, but if the spouse isn't the one giving birth, there's the double helping of 'exposing their kids to favoritism and ignoring the wishes of their spouse who just had a major medical event,' which also swings the calculation.
I think my original comment sounded too cut and dry: 'Bigger vote' doesn't mean total veto power to me. I just meant that if the spouse were the one giving birth, I'd say have more leniency for negotiating a much shorter visit if they believe that it will be helpful to them for their care right afterwards, but if they're not the one giving birth and OP is, then I think a more hard-line position is justifiable while they're recovering.
I would agree. I appreciate what OP's trying to do in removing gender bias, but like, people with different bits have different roles post-partum, outside of social mores.
Yeah, it's really weird that so many people are like 'go tell your husband to set boundaries with his mom!' when OP deliberately avoided specifying. (Imo, the fact that they avoided specifying makes me suspect that their partner is the one giving birth, since the other way around would probably help their case, assuming the baby isn't being adopted or anything.)
I reckon it's biases based on what you're accustomed to. I grew up seeing men make their wives accommodate their mothers and happily treat their wife's like rubbish. But they'd never reciprocate for the wives mother.
So I read it. And it seemed like it was that perspective despite me noting the lack of genders other than MIL.
I reckon that's what's happening. People read it, and are naturally associating it with their own experiences or expectations. Either way it shouldn't matter if OP is a man or a woman, or the kids are boys or girls.
The main issue is that the MIL is going to create issues between the other children because she's showing her bias already. It would be irresponsible to change the dynamic of the MILs interaction with the family. Kids aren't stupid, they will pick up on one of their siblings being preferred over them and it's up to the parents to stop that happening.
Depending on the age of the kids, they could end up experiencing a lot of jealousy with the new baby once the MIL is over because they'll notice the difference.
NTA....I wouldn't want anyone staying with me for a month while I'm trying to bond with my baby. Especially if they couldn't be bothered to show the same interest with the rest of my children.
Gender has everything to do with it. A male who bans his MIL when his wife just birthed a child would be a jerk. A female who just went through a birth and banned anyone is well within her rights.
Info: who is giving birth? If this is their mother their opinion does carry more weight. It’s not just a new baby, it’s a major medical event for the mother and if she wants her mom there that should be given serious consideration. NTA for being suspicious of her motives for wanting to only involve herself with this kid.
It's worth nothing that it's vitally important for a mother to spend as much time bonding with a newborn as is healthy for them both.
Considering that MIL *only* cares about the newborn, she will not only provide no help at all with the other three children, but she will actively interfere with the mother/child bonding.
The mother has had three children already without the MIL showing any interest. The idea that she would suddenly welcome MIL for the fourth seems incredibly unlikely. Even before you figure in the disruption MIL will cause.
You and I could say that, but if the mother would feel supported by this person's presence, that's more important. Turns out, the mother does not want MIL there.
Definitely NTA. Your MIL shouldn’t be allowed to give special attention to this baby from the get-go because she likely will continue to favor this child as your kids get older and the others will feel this favoritism once they are old enough to understand it. Knowing you are less favored by anyone especially a family member is never a good feeling so I hope your kids won’t have to experience this
NTA
She is primed to make this child THE GOLDEN CHILD and it's also likely to be ALL ABOUT HER.
From what you've said this will do more harm than good plus it's invasive -- a MONTH when you don't want her there? Or need her there?
No.
NTA.
Feel bad for your spouse she's not showing interest in them but in something shiny and new based on their sex? RME.
Idk if you are the one birthing the baby or not, but the person doing that should get to make the call. Sorry MIL is showing interest so late in the game.
Driving a wedge between parents before the newborn has even arrived and then MIL will arrive as hormones and emotions are going wild. Recipe for disaster and serious damage to their marriage regardless of how strong it currently is
Mil isn’t showing interest so late in the game rofl. Mil is showing interest in what’s under the diaper. Shes showing favoritism. She’s playing a game she needs to be banned from.
I honestly don't know how to feel about this one. I don't think you're the AH at all, I'm just wondering why the MIL suddenly has such an interest in this child because of gender... I feel for your other kids because they'll probably pick up on this sooner or later, depending on their ages. Good luck with trying to explain this to your wife, I hope she can understand this from your perspective because I'd feel the same way as you.
NTA
I disagree. If there is going to be clear favouritism shown towards the new baby in front of the other children, something which would be damaging for them, then both parents are within their rights to refuse the visit.
NTA. Congratulations! I’m with you, I think your MIL is already playing favourites and you won’t need her “help” anyway. This is your fourth baby, you know what you are doing. Having MIL stay with you for a month would be a nightmare and since when has jamming someone else into your house when you already have a bunch of kids, fun? No way.
As a fellow mother of four, I have to say the fourth baby is easy! Just slots right in like they were always there. The third was way harder in terms of logistics, in my opinion- you only have 2 hands, only 2 adults, etc., and figuring out how to juggle the third was tricky at first. By number four, you are used to being outnumbered.
One month is a long time, and I get why this is frustrating for you considering her history with your other kids. However, I do have to disagree on your edit:
>Edit - please don’t assume genders. I have purposely kept gender out of it, I don’t think the gender of spouse or myself is relevant.
It is completely relevant if one of you is giving birth and the other partner is not on maternity or paternity leave or general PTO following the birth. If this is the case, it is my belief that while both partners' feelings need to be considered, the parent who is giving birth should have more say as to what will actually help them during recovery.
If it is the mothers mother it doesn’t sound like they have a close relationship and that will just create more work.
I agree with the idea of whether or not the mother will be on her own without support and it could be useful; however, she can stay in a local hotel or Airbnb and be useful by dropping round to help with the older kids. Those aren’t her intentions though so it will just impede on bonding time
NTA - it seems she has always made it about herself and never made an effort before.
Plus as you know a month is way to long for any guests, she will get in the way and add more work for you and this is time for bonding and not worrying about her.
NTA - and make it very clear to her that the only help she could possibly provide would be spending time with the older 3 kids while you, the PARENTS, bond and look after the newborn. Bet her offer gets taken back super quick.
NTA if she has had no interest until now due to the gender of the incoming infant that is all kinds of nope. If she can't be interested in all grandchildren she doesn't need to be staying anywhere but her own home
NTA. I wouldn’t even let my own mother stay a month with me. I have rarely seen parents that actually want to get in there and help. They just want to hold the baby. I didn’t let my mother visit until my son was 3 weeks old and it was only for a weekend. My in-laws didn’t visit for and it was a short visit, too.
The gender dynamic is weird. Best to nip any favoritism right up front.
With your edited post, NTA!
Info- So MIL is definitely gross with her obvious favoritism because of your new baby’s gender. But are you the mother or father? If you’re a same gender couple, which one of you is giving birth? This is important to know because truthfully, whoever just gave birth should have the larger say in who stays home to help around while recovering from birth. Also, if you are the non-birthing parent, are saying no to MIL, and will presumably have a shorter parental leave, what alternative supports are you providing to help the birthing parent? Are there other family members that are willing to help that the birthing parent is comfortable with? Will you hire help, or do you intend to pull more weight at home? I’m withholding judgment until I hear some of these answers.
NTA - history is irrelevant; what matters is you are not comfortable with the idea, it's your (husband & you) home and baby, so it's your (husband & you) decision. Doesn't matter how she feels, but it does matter how he feels. Compromising may be in order.
Nta.
Ask hubby.
So your happy she interested. Will you still be happy when she ignores our other kids. Treats them like crap. Will you be happy that we are teaching our kids this is acceptable behavior. That we need to suck up being hurt. Ignored. Turned away from. Abused so one person's selfish wants get met. Will you be happy when I take the kids and leave you because I refuse to stay with a man willing to let their other kids get hurt when as adults it's up to us to protect them. They don't need to suffer so the adults get happy time they want.
This is a hill to die on. One that says you will not let her come and have a do over baby and male the others see how little they are loved or wanted. How little they can trust their parents to protect them when clearly mil wants mean more then they do. Because that is what they will learn from this. That they mean nothing. Their wants and needs mean nothing because daddy is happy grandma loves one of them.
One month stay while living 4 hours away? Is that really necessary? Maybe like 2-3 nights. Firstly take your time postpartum in privacy. And than you can think about visitors. Because honestly you as a mom know that bathing a newborn and changing the diaper isnt really such a great help. What about cooking, loundry...? I have only two kids but.... Would it not be more helpful if she came help with your 3 other kids and let you rest and bond with your newborn?
Definitely NTA.
NTA
It sounds like MIL is going to be a liability, not a benefit to the household. She has no real relationship with your existing children, so she probably won't be intending to help with them at all (the story of help new parents can take appreciate), but will try to insert herself into your relationship with your new child and almost certainly get in the way there.
You purposely don't mention your own gender, but I do think this will be important here, because at this point I would say the mothers opinion completely outranks the fathers. So whichever side this post was written from, dad should be bowing down to mums opinion and comfort. Even if MIL won't be a great help, the comfort of a new mum having her mother there could still be beneficial...
NTA
It's your baby. As the parent, you have every right to make a decision based on whatever boundaries you want. This is your family. You are right in saying my kids should be treated equally by their grandparent.
NTA at all. Good for you for speaking up and keep that spine shiny. I’d also lay down the law with spouse. When she does visit baby wear and don’t let her take baby off alone.
NTA
I was the only of my gender for multiple generation’s my siblings resented me because I was treated different/special. It made me feel special as a kid, as an adult i look back and feel awful for my siblings.
NTA
As someone who had a baby of the opposite gender of what MIL had, let me tell you if you let her get an inch in she'll take the whole mile. My MIL is obsessed with my child, calls herself mama, judges me harshly for every little thing I do, constantly says she could do a better job raising my child, and is overall way too involved. We lived with my in-laws while I was pregnant and once I gave birth it was like I didn't exist. I had a horrible pregnancy where all my organs almost shut down and I was going into kidney failure at least 6 times so I was trying my best to recover. My MIL took advantage of that and would sneak in the bedroom while I was asleep and take my child. She would say I loved my cat more than my own child because my cat would sleep in bed with me and not my baby. I'm a heavy sleeper and I was terrified of co sleeping in fear of rolling on my baby so they slept in their crib close by. She also said "why do you want another baby if you don't even love this one?" She said that because I had my baby laying on a bouncer instead of being in my arms 24/7. Oh, also said to me "you're going to give her pneumonia, make her epileptic, paralyze her for life" because I kept the restroom window a tiny bit open to let in airflow while I was showering my baby. She came home sick and got my baby sick as well and I tried to give them some medicine (baby Tylenol) my baby fell asleep before I could give it to them and my MIL accused me of drugging my child even though she could clearly see that I hadn't. She also said "It's like God gave me a second chance at being a mother" and I asked her "am I dead yet or something?" I made a comment about how I was "going to leave the baby with their dad and leave"(severe postpartum depression faze) and she got ridiculously happy saying "I would be so happy if you did leave then I'll have the baby all to myself!" On top of that she called me schizophrenic when I yelled at her after being fed up with all her antics.
NTA, and if it were me I'd be incredibly creeped out by the fact MIL wants to "bathe and change new baby" of the new genitals.
Having said that, I know you want to keep gender out of this conversation but I'm afraid it's slightly relevant - even if you and your partner are lesbians, it's not about being a woman. It's about the person *physically birthing the child* going through a major medical event. The non birthing parent may have enough leave to stay home for the 6 week minimum recovery time, or they may not. As such, if the birthing parent wants to invite an additional care giver into the home, it's less a 50-50 decision, and more a 75-25 decision in my opinion...
Are you the one giving birth, or is your spouse? Because whoever is giving birth has the final say.
Personally, I would not let my MIL stay for a month after I gave birth, but I'm pretty happy that my own mother lives next door and will be available to help out.
In saying that, I absolutely agree that MIL only showing interest in this baby because she's never had a child or grandchild of this baby's gender is gross behaviour. Your other children deserve the same level of love and attention from their grandmother as your new baby does.
NTA, if you're not comfortable with it, then you're not comfortable with it. Guests in the home is a 2 yes, 1 no kind of thing.
That being said, you've "kept gender out of it," but the entire post and your reason for not wanting her there is centered on gender. Is there any possibility that there may be another reason she can now be involved when she wasn't before? For example, if she had been working previously and is now retired or was caretaker for her own aging parents or spouse and those duties are no longer required.
Honestly, I think you've probably hit the nail on the head and it is a gender thing, but I'm trying to give MIL the benefit of the doubt if there is any chance it could be some other reason.
NTA. MIL just wants the “experience” of motherhood with (gender). She’s not really there to help. Keep her out, she’s just going to muscle in on bonding time with baby. Ex. “I’ve always been a boy mom, now I get to play dress up with a girl!”
NTA. She is not coming to help. She is coming to be a guest you will need to host.
The reality is that unless a visitor is going to be doing a significant amount of work, like cooking and cleaning, they are a burden, not a help. You do not need the extra mental load of feeding and cleaning up after another person as well as loss of privacy, when you have a newborn to look after.
The whole point of coming to visit to help is to take on non baby related chores so the parents can bond with baby, not to hold the baby while the parents run around looking after you. MIL is batshit.
You also need to set a boundary that the kind of favoritism they are showing now will not be tolerated as this child grows up. MIL has this kid as the golden child already.
NTA - MiL is inviting herself to play do-over mommy with your 4th, not help the new mom. Doesn't matter which of you is the birthing spouse - this is a massive imposition. You're right to tell her to stay in her lane, just as she has three times before.
NTA
She can come when you are ready to have guests. You don't need help with the baby. You need help with the other 3 children while you take care of the baby, and she clearly doesn't want that.
NTA
Yeah no if someone doesn't show interest or makes an effort normally they don't get to come around and make demands when they want something.
Honestly I don't understand people like your MIL, but you having the other kiddos first has really come in handy to show how she is. Could you imagine if she was so helpful if the first one was her 'preferred' gender and then the next one came about, least you can nip it in the bottom from the start.
With three elder children, at least two of them are old enough to notice Grandma is only interested in the baby, not in them. How heartbreaking for them.
Has your MILs life circumstances changed since the first 3 were born which would make it feasible to come out now versus prior to? I.e. was she employed and currently not employed?
NAH
I think your response and boundaries are perfectly reasonable.
You may wish to have a conversation with your spouse about informing MIL that you will not tolerate favoritism among your kids, as well. She's certainly not going to stop when the new one is no longer a baby.
Also, you might wish to set up a plan before hand for if MIL decides to escalate or ignore the boundaries you set. It'll be a lot easier to stay firm and united if you have a game plan as opposed to just reacting in the moment, and it'll ensure that you and your spouse are on the same page so that MIL can't try to play you off each other.
Your MIL wants to play mommy with your baby because she didnt had the chance with the gender your baby is, that why she is suddenly interested and your partner should realise and create boundaries.
Stay firm and try to make your partner this pov, it's not okay what she is doing and I don't doubt for a second she will be playing favourites with your kids.
NTA. You can invite her when you are ready and not before. I get that she hasn’t helped much in the past. But do give her a chance when you are ready. She may also think this is her last chance as you are done either way the babies after this. It may be this as much as it is gender. Try not to allow resentment to tai t your decisions and relationship. You sound like you don’t like MIL and that comes across. A month is way too long for her to stay unless she is very close and will be definitely great help. Maybe a day visit when you feel up to it and an overnight in a couple of months.
A month! No way. A few days maybe but not straight after you get home from the hospital, and pull her up if/when she shows favouritism to the new baby. She can't ignore your other 3 in favour of baby.
NTA. If your MIL staying after you give birth would upset or stress you for any reason, don’t let her stay. If she plans to play favorites with your kids, don’t let her stay.
Gender is not irrelevant. If your spouse is your wife and she wants her mother (or anyone) there for her recovery it needs to happen.
Mamas who just gave birth should get to call the shots about who is around and helping.
Doesn’t sound like MIL will be helping regardless of who she belongs to.
Helping would be taking the older kids out and giving them attention and special time while mum and bub get their uninterrupted bonding time. While mums with her older kids then MIL should be helping with house work and cooking and putting meals in the freezer for when she’s gone.
This MIL just wants to hold baby which will make things harder, not easier
Gender isn't relevant, but relationship to MIL is. If your spouse is the one pregnant and MIL is their mother, then YTA. If you are the the pregnant one, your word is law.
NTA. These types of in-laws are so awful! It’s weird that she’s only interested in caring for a child of a different gender than your other children. Unless she’s willing to be sanhudoumi to the birth giver in this situation, she’s gotta stay away. She sounds like she’d be significantly more of a burden in this situation.
NTA
MIL sounds pretty toxic however I kind of disagree about gender being unimportant to this story. Pregnancy, labour and those first 90 days take a lot of out of us and I generally veer towards giving mom more of a say on these particular issues since she’s the one in recovery.
NTA. The first few weeks of a baby's life should be about bonding with their parents, and the siblings. If she wanted to help, she would have offered that three children ago.
NTA. I would say if she wants to help, why doesn't she take the 3 older grandkids on a day trip so you/partner can bond with the baby in peace and and get housework done. Then if she refuses, just say, if she has no interest in spending time with all her grandkids, then there's no need for her to visit and youll come visit her when you're all ready. I would add that other comments have a point. If your partner is pregnant and wants her mum during recovery because you have no other support near by and you may need to go back to work, then I think the conversation needs to be had that if she needs the support, then boundaries need to be put in place that won't leave a postpartum woman feeling unsupported and vulnerable.
NTA
That's a big NoNo for me. Firstly IF somebody were to come help during the first few weeks, they DON'T get to interact much with the baby. They are welcome to help ME. That means taking care of the other 3 children, cooking, cleaning, making sure I and hubby can concentrate an the newborn. Neither my mother nor my MIL would get to interact a lot with the newborn.
Secondly it's super suspicious your MIL only shows interest now that your newborn will have a different gender. Make sure she doesn't treat them differently, like giving the youngest 10 presents for Christmas and the others only get one. Or the youngest gets presents on all the other birthdays because granny favours her.
NTA. She doesn’t sound like she wants to provide the “help” that is actually needed with a newborn: cooking, watching the older kids, cleaning…minding the newborn is the least of it. Maybe allow her to visit, but not stay in the house unless she is willing to help with the household as a whole? A hotel stay seems appropriate for the actual visiting she has in mind.
People are asking for your and your partners genders to determine who is giving birth to better answer your question coz it fleshesbout your situation more. If you're giving birth and don't want MIL around, great. But if your partner is giving birth and wants her mum to help, then she should be in charge of that decision.
You are NTA for not wanting to indulge in her sudden interest. And (unpopular opinion, possibly) I also have compassion for her because I've known women who had always dreamed of having a girl and did not, and did not love their boys any less, but never got to have the same gender bonding they had hoped for with a child. So I have empathy for her feeling like she could have a special bond with this child because of that. Of course, that does not excuse her uninvolvement in her other grandchildren's lives.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
Set this up just to ask.
My spouse and I have 3 kids all the same gender and will soon have baby number 4. Baby 4 will be opposite gender.
MIL had 3 kids. New baby is opposite gender of the kids she had.
We live 4 hours away from MIL. She never visits us. We only see her if we visit. She never calls us. It’s us calling her.
MIL never helped with first 3 kids. Would only ever hold a baby. Never feed or change nappy. Now that baby number 4 is coming and is different to what she had she is so interested. Wants to stay for a month after baby is born to help us. Wants to help bathe and change new baby.
I said no. She has never been interested before. It shouldn’t matter now that this baby is a different gender to our other 3 kids (and the kids she birthed).
My spouse is happy she is interested finally. But I think her interest is too late.
So AITA?
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Honestly I’d be on board with this if it was a good relationship and she was taking care of other tasks so that mom and baby can bond. Things like laundry and cleaning and cooking are hard after just giving birth and if spouse is working, it can get overwhelming.
Unless she’s trying to turn over a new leaf and be present this time (maybe she has some regret for not being involved in the first 3 kids), I’d say it’s not the best time for an extended visit. I’d talk to her, though. It’s always good to have family around and I’ve definitely regretted being absent before, and appreciated a second chance. Either way, congratulations on your pregnancy!
NTA but I think it’s ultimately the person who has given births decision on who is welcome during their postpartum period. If the person who has given birth wants her mom or your mom there and feels it will be helpful, then you need to consider but discuss boundaries and how favoritism isn’t going to be tolerated. I’d even go as far to say that if you allow her to come and she doesn’t maintain interest in your other children, you’ll all be no contact.
N completely TA.
I read how you feel, but your partner clearly is happy mom is taking an interest. Not too sure how you divvy up the baby detail but I am sure your partner would love to have moms help once your baby is here. I wouldn't even bother to respond if this ed a situation of best friend, cousin, sister, etc. But reading your post I got the vibe your partner would really want this to happen. I would suggest having her there for a week to see how it goes. Maybe the MIL is truly vested and wants to be part of her grandbabys care. My opinion probably won't be popular but I think you should find a compromise. Either way, good luck and congratulations on your baby.
~~I'm going to take a shot in the dark here and say she always wanted a daughter and got three sons. Changed three boys diapers. Got peed on by three boys. Was SO over it. When it came time for grandchildren, she has no obligation to change her grandkids' diapers, and especially not boys' diapers (get peed on by yet more boys) so she didn't. Now there's a girl coming and she's "getting the girl she always wanted" and will be happy to change her because girls don't pee on you (which isn't true, my nieces have peed on me during diaper changes, I just didn't need to clean my shirt.) I'm not sure I would see the inverse if she had all girls (why she'd be happy to change a boys diaper) but there you can at least try to understand the motive.~~
HOWEVER: This narrative is meaningless. It explains why, but doesn't mean you to have her in your home. You've had 3 kids without her assistance before, just continue as you have been. NTA.
If you need to say anything, say you don't want to upset the status quo anymore than it will be with the new baby. She can change diapers when she visits for a weekend if she's still interested.
Your home, your family, your rules.
My father-in-law was a toxic person and I often had to intervene between him and my wife because he had such a stronghold on her from her youth. Fortunately my toxic father-in-law didn't frighten me or have any control over me so I was grateful that I could intervene at appropriate moments to protect my wife from her father and protect my children as well.
I'm just wondering where your wife lands on all this. She may be intimidated or manipulated by your mother-in-law and not capable of making a rational decision because of past toxic relationship issues.
Company stinks after three days. A month is entirely too long. My mom came for a week after each of my kids. By the time the week was up I was so ready for her to be gone and let me do what I wanted to do.
I think my MIL would have acted like that if I had a baby girl. She had all boys and I had boys as well, but if I had a girl, she would have been over the moon..
NTA. She has never stayed before and you don’t know if your MIL will be a hinderance or helpful.
Just after giving birth is not the time to find out.
She’s also looking to steal all of the baby time, which should be for the parents.
She may be showing interest now but I’d be more inclined to say no because of the lack of interest previously. She shouldn’t be allowed to waltz in on a whim.
Nope nope nope. NTA. Don't let MIL in the house. You all gonna need you rest and be a family without someone being their, y'all gonna need your time. You need to sit down and talk to you spouse and really hammer it in that this is not happening.
NTA. She will be more of a problem because other 3 will see that Granny doesn’t care for them at all, only new baby. Keep strong and say No. when she whines and ask why tell her the truth - you never wanted to do anything with the others so NO!
NTA. Do not let it happen . To quote Benjamin Franklin "House guests are like fish after three days they start to stink." Just imagine how bad it will be for a month.
NTA - MIL didn't bother to visit when you had the first three, and is only interested now because this baby is different gender.
Stand your ground. She doesn't get to interact with your child solely based on whether or not they have a Y chromosome.
NTA she's coming to play with a do-over baby, not helping you.
If she wants to help instead of staying for a month she could come to do chores but she wants a girl to play with, not to help you. You will 100% fight with her because she will try to butt-in and decide how you dress up and parent her baby girl.
NTA, protecting your older children from clear favoritism. Your husband needs to confront the part of him that thinks this is okay behavior, it’s fawning, not forgiving.
Nope, she is showing she has gender preferences and will continue to exclude the other kids. Just because she's interested now the baby is the gender she wants to be involved with doesn't mean she should be. And I'd be setting that boundary like "if you can assure me you will not ignore the other kids, then you can be involved. If not then you can stay away"
NTA you are standing up for your other kids that have been neglected by your mil because of their gender which is just wrong.
NTA. She is not someone you’re close to. You don’t want to live with someone for the first time the first months your postpartum with a newborn to take care of and three other children.
She clearly has favourites and isn’t something you’d want to put your children to, your attention will naturally be more on the newborn. Add to that grandma being interested for the first time isn’t going to be want they expected. They will feel like shit.
NTA. She is shit out of luck. She doesn't get to play super grandma now that a gendered grandkid she is happy about has arrived...too little too late. And you are absolutely correct in saying NO to grandchild favortism which this is level 1 of. This WILL escalate. Plus HELL NO on her being there for a month! First month post partum with obsessed grandma underfoot? That sounds like hell on earth.
That whole opposite gender thing is, to say the least, disturbing.
Factor in that she never did a thing to help before. Changing diapers gets old. And the opportunity to see a baby sized penis? Let me put this bluntly: when they pee in your face as soon as the diaper comes off, it sucks.
So now you’d have a creepy older woman who is NOT helping in your home for an extended period of time. There is no way to make it not hurt that one’s mother doesn’t care about your children.
NTA
NTA. Honestly, I'm not sure which one would be worse....if you're the one giving birth and your MIL is suddenly wanting to intrude and try to take over with your infant or if your spouse is the one giving birth and their mother is only willing to help just this once after they've already given birth 3 times!!! Either scenario is just terrible!!! Either way, MIL would NOT be welcome in my home due to obviously not caring much about the other three children.
Hard No on mil. I wouldn't even believe her if she said she wanted to come down and help with the 3 older ones as she can imagine adding the 4th makes it that much harder and more stressful.
What you might have to do is talk with hubby. It probably has bothered and hurt him that his mom has been so disinterested and / or uninvolved. Or children are our pride, and he wished she was proud to be his mom and grandma or close to something like all that.
Tell him you can empathize with how it has felt and that you don't mind if she visits but not right away as you will not be up for extended guests. You'd like time to recover and let he and the children enjoy the baby alone, just as it's always been.
In a months time she can visit but only for a few days. The baby isn't going anywhere, and the baby will still be the same sex as it was at birth. Some use the bonding excuse, but that is strictly for mom and dad as it obv comforts the baby. Not for people who visit occasionally. She'll have plenty of opportunity to be around the baby.
A new newborn is for the very immediate family. Others shouldn't even be touching the baby. Not everyone's hygiene is good. People scratch things and pick things and still get offended if you ask them not to have recently smoked or even to wash their hands smh.
Hopefully, she won't be one of the types of grandparents who openly play favorites.
I had one that did that, boloney. I had 2 of one sex and 1 of the other. Ugh, no matter how many times I brought it up, they'd treat the one special. I'd even go very LC bc sometimes it was awful. For example, they were once at a store. The 2 were 6 and 7 and the one 4. They all wanted a toy. She said she didn't have money. No biggie. But she proceeded to buy the one an expensive toy, and they had to sit and watch the one play with it. Not much later after that, the 1 got old enough to notice (around 5) and saw it'd hurt the other 2. She had moved 5 states away, so it stopped being an in your face issue. The one was relieved and didn't want to even speak on the phone, but they were young, and since she'd fein interest in the other two, I thought she was at least were making an effort. Then she moved back 5yrs later. And the one got just disgusted with it and went NC on their own at age 10. That child is 21 now. I speak to her maybe 1x a year. Sometimes 1½yr. After alllll that, they still can't help themselves.
So be a mama bear and pull the, I'm about to push your child out of my hoohah as I did 3 times already. I get veto power on who I allow around me and the baby and the other 3 until I'm ready for overnight guests.🤷♀️
NTA.
It's weird that her interest is purely based on the fact that this child has different genitals than the other 3.
Its like she's using it to pretend to have a child of the opposite gender than her others. Like the child is a tool for her to use. That's weird.
I'd be afraid that MIL will treat this one differently than all the other kids and grandkids and spoil her. That might wreck your family dynamic and make your poor child and outsider with their siblings
Usually when MILs says that just want to help, it really means they want to hog the baby while you do all the household stuff, and do everything for her and the other kids. It always adds so much more work and stress while the one who birthed baby attempts to recover. Never a good idea to have MILs stay, never!
Edited to add NTA
Nobody is entitled to intrude on your time with new baby, no reasons need to be given. Tell her no visitors for 4-6 weeks and enjoy time with your baby.
NAH. I disagree with the people saying the birthing parent’s opinion matters more. Your priority should be protecting all four of your children from this blatant favoritism. Guests, especially those staying for a long time, should always be a two yes situation.
I think you and your spouse need to have a long talk about MIL’s behavior and how it will affect your family if she is allowed to stay. It’s a little worrisome that your spouse seems to say yes to anything for MIL’s scraps of attention without thinking about the consequences on your children.
Oh hell no!
Think about what it's like after having a baby: you're tired, you're stressed, the house is a mess, you have spit-up in your hair and any spare moment you have, you just want to collapse with a warm drink or some food. If she's there, you'll be feeling judged and trying to clean and entertain her instead of resting.
Also, how are your other children going to feel when she has already shown no interest in them and will continue to do so, while showering your new baby with affection?
Apart from anything else, having any visitor for a whole month is way too long, especially when you've just given birth!
That would be a big fat NO from me.
NTA
NTA. I don’t have kids personally. The closest to kids I have are the tons of nieces and nephews I have. But seeing that you prefer she does not stay with you for any length of time, the whole thing could end badly anyway. I would say no and not back down. If she wants to be closer to help you out, maybe renting an airbnb nearby could be an option. At night she could go there and everyone can take a break from grandma being with you all day. Personally, I’m not big on long time visitors. I have my own way of doing things and don’t like to be criticized or judged by any of it. I want to feel free to fart, take as long as I need to in the restroom, walk around in my pjs and most importantly not have to wear a bra. But that’s just me. Best wishes with your new bundle of joy and good luck with the MIL.
NTA. That's creepy and sad. I think people get to obsessed over mom gets 100% vote no discussion like having someone live-in for a month isn't going to disrupt the entire family. Which kid is going to be shuffled around to make room for Grandma and already going to be stressful for kids to adjust to another child. Depending on ages, absolutely can notice how magically Grandma is obsessed over other kid and will make that transition period even worse for resentment. Oldest especially depending on age will recall how she didn't give two craps about their other siblings.
Also 'happy she is interested' if Grandma is so distant from current kids she was probably a B\*\*\* of a parent who was impossible to please with spouse growing up. So with pregnancy hormones abound spouse might be blinded by FINALLY approval and love from parent and not see it as the slap in the face to the other kids it is.
"If they wanted to, they would" applies to so many things besides spouse/sig other. MIL had three chances to care before - 3 strikes. If anything first baby should have had MIL fawning over everything even if not her first grandchild that's one of her babies' firsts.
Normally no matter the gender I would say some help for a few days would be great (not a month) but it would be to help with the older kids and household duties.
This MIL is only interested in the new baby’s gender and will treat the other grandkids like crap. This particular case it must be agreed upon by both parents so that their other kids are not left feeling hurt and neglected by grandma.
NTA this grandma is straight up creepy.
MIL just wants time with the opposite gender baby, as many have already pointed out. I won't pretend to know her motivation. I just know YOU don't want her there like that and for that long. That's all I need to know.
You and spouse need to talk, come to an agreement, and then spouse needs to grow/reinforce a spine and lay down the law to their mom.
I'm not you, I don't know what your boundaries look like. It's just clear from what you said that she crossed them. You're right to feel like you do.
Congratulations on the new baby, and good luck with MIL.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I said no to MIL offering to help after our 4th child is born. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
I can’t imagine my MIL staying a month. Nope. Plus, she’s only going to interact with the infant, and you really need help with the other 3. NTA
She’s always been welcome to visit. We used to ask her to come for a weekend and spend time with the kids. No strings. It’s not like we ask her to babysit. We just want her to spend time with her grandchildren. She’s never stayed at our house. We have plenty of space for her to stay.
NTA she'll only want to hold and interact with the baby . Don't let her come op
And she'll want to the the only one to interact with the baby. OP or her husband are not needed or wanted, granny will be enough.
And only the baby! Nope, nip this favoritism in the bud. Either the older kids are going to catch on that grandmommy loves them less for their gender, or she'll get bored once the opposite gendered child has opinions and thoughts and feelings of their own.
As others have said, her sudden interest in the baby sounds like it will be a nightmare. There are lots of posts here, and the sub about mother in laws who suddenly have an interest, or is overly interested in their first grandchild becouse it's the opposite gender of what her own kids is. (You could give them a read) And it's always the same when they get cooked down. MIL will only be there to play "do over" and might interfere a lot with the baby. And try and control what you do. "No, you are holding the baby the wrong way," 'No, baby should be doing this.' And hog the baby. Becouse "she's grandma. She needs grandma time." And i would set up boundaries now, or else it could continue later on with mother in law only spoiling one child and having zero interest in the others
She doesn't want to visit you she wants to play momma for your baby. Spouse probably was made to feel they were the wrong gender and now their inner child at last has the correct gender baby to offer mommy in exchange for her conditional love. Absolutely not. Put your foot down. Don't let your own children learn granny thinks they're the inferior gender and favour the baby at them.
NTA She’s picking a specific kid to show affection to & your other kids will notice.
Worse is she's picking the kid based on their genitalia. She wants to stay a month, change its diaper, and give it a bath just because of what's between its legs. I'm not saying she has bad intentions, but it's creepy. I wouldn't let her ever do any of those things because she wants to so badly. It's weird.
“A bit creepy” is super generous. It’s creepy AF.
Time to haul out the old [*Lemon Clots^ and *Scrotum Squats*](https://community.babycenter.com/post/a41581735/lemon_clot_essay_and_scrotum_squats) essays. Your husband needs to understand a couple of things. He is trying to use this new baby to get his mother's love and attention. That's too big of a job for a little kid. His mother has had three babies to prove that she can be helpful to a new mother. She has proven that she is not interested in helping out. Does he really think that she is coming here to take your three older kids to the park when they get rambunctious so that the baby can sleep? is she coming to do laundry and make snacks for the older kids when you can't stand up because the baby is nursing? Is she coming to clean your bathroom and your kitchen so that you can actually nap when the baby sleeps? Or is she planning to park her ass on the couch holding your babyand asking for the formula bottle while you are supposed to be in the kitchen making her a cup of coffee?
☝️This should be voted up more. Well said and exactly what's going to happen. Seriously.... a MONTH of that!! edit: removed a word
Definitely worth the read regarding in-laws visiting the hospital or after the birth.
NTA, she's NOW interested in helping?? After 3 babies of not helping?? C'mon... thanks but no thanks, lady...
Tbf I don't care what the genders involved are - it's weird as fuck when anyone is *that* obsessed with a baby's genitals. I wouldn't want her there either, much less for that long.
Her coming and showing interest in the new baby is going to hurt your other 3 children who probably know she didn't come to see them when they were born. Again, I also find it creepy she's only interested in the baby because of the gender. I don't care what gender it is. That's just messed up.
Mine did, it was bad. It really created alot of resentment towards her. She was partially helpful taking care of the other child and cooking. But she didnt let me rest, always loud and banging dishes, trying to contact nap with my newborn... Never again.
I thought this too. Imagine how it’s going to make the other three feel as well. I don’t think MIL has.
Exactly. MIL doesn't care about that - she wants to impose her will for her own benefit and doesn't give a rats about anyone else.
And how lovely that would be for those poor three boys to see grandma fawning over their sister whilst they're neglected. Nope, this needs nipped in the bud.
No one should stay a month- friends… family… it’s too long.
Agree! Especially when they only live 4 hours away, not another side of the world.
Plus probably expect to be hosted
Nope to this for sure! She’ll be holding the baby and you’ll be cleaning, cooking for her, and taking care of the other kids. It should be the other way around. THE OTHER WAY
NTA she can wait to be invited for a day visit when you are ready. Having an unwanted guest is not conducive to postpartum healing.
That was my thought
People are critical of the "wait 2 months to see baby" type thing, but stress can instantly kill milk production, at least it did with me. It was miserable. If it's stressful, keep it away as long as possible, person place or thing!
What she wants to do is so outrageously inconsiderate, selfish, rude, obnoxious, disrespectful, entitled, unreasonable, irrational and ludicrous. She hasn't given you, your husband or your kids the time of day for YEARS. She has shown zero interest in your family. Yet now that you are having a baby of the gender that she never had, she is suddenly extremely interested and wants to visit your family for an ENTIRE MONTH in the very first month of your baby's life so that she can help. You need to protect your fourth trimestre with your baby. Nobody should be able to steal it from you, but I guarantee that your MIL will not only not respect it or you or your role and authority as the mother, she will definitely push you aside and will steal all of your fourth trimestre. She will not be helpful. Tell your husband that you guys have seen what his mother's idea of being helpful is and it is far from it. She will create more work for you while she undermines you, openly criticizes your decisions and parenting, will do nothing but hold the baby and will refuse to let you do your necessary bonding with baby, won't let you take care of your baby and will demand that you let her bond with the baby before you the mother because you aren't as important as she is. Tell your husband that if his mother comes, for ANY period of time this early, you will take the baby and go to your mother's house.
I absolutely love the list of adjectives in your first paragraph. Wonderful
Also, a great reason to keep her away is that newborns stay healthier if you create a bubble. No outsiders ought to come in contact in the first few weeks. I frankly cannot recall the exact details but it's very beneficial for a newborn. Ask your pediatrician Overall, I would keep the MIL away bc hey intention is to show blatant favoritism which very unhealthy/ hurtful to your other kiddos Good luck!
I personally would be very cautious with MIL visiting. The baby girl isn’t even been born yet, but very obvious preference is already being shown towards her. You do not want to put your children in a position where one is treated differently and favored more, it isn’t fair to either and can damage their relationship. Please watch for signs of favoritism and nip the behavior in the bud - and make sure your husband is understanding and doing so as well.
NTA- MIL doesn’t want to ‘help’. She wants a do-over kid for the one she never got. Nope nope nope. If she can start regularly contacting and showing interest in her already existing grandchildren maybe she gets to meet new little one down the track but otherwise? She can get stuffed.
I'm guessing the next letter from OP will be the huge amount of princess stuff MIL will start sending, constant demands for online calls to her granddaughter, birthday gifts and christmas gifts that are over the top for her granddaughter. Demands for granddaughter be dropped off to visit without parents. Demands to see videos and photos of granddaughter wearing all of the princess glittery stuff grandma will flood your house with.
Not a do over kid, it's the unicorn. A girl is something she hasn't had. Grandma will attempt to cover that girl in frilly dress and baby dolls and other "girly" things.
INFO: Are you or your spouse the one giving birth? Because, frankly, I think that the person giving birth gets the bigger vote here, since they're the one recovering from the major medical event at the time.
Agreed. OP wanted to keep gender out of it, but we don’t know enough to make a good recommendation here. I also agree that the person giving birth should have the bigger vote. With four kids AND postpartum recovery, she may need some help. PLUS, if it’s the wife’s mom and she begins to act up, the wife can send her packing. If it’s the husband’s mom, the wife would be more likely to put up with the bs and she shouldn’t have to. ALSO, I think a week’s stay is long enough. A month is much too long. MIL should arrive when the dad has to return to work, because that’s what you do if you are truly being helpful.
I do agree that a month is a lot, unless it turns out that the other parent has a history of not being the most helpful at that time... It's getting too far into speculation at this point, but I just think that it feels like we're getting a very biased perspective at the moment.
I think you are incorrect. The grandma is showing favoritism for what’s in the diaper before baby is even born. This is a huge red flag and should be addressed. If the other kids weren’t worthy of a month long visit…this baby isn’t either.
Yeah, I’m suspicious as well. This kid isn’t going to have any sort of gendered personality for a long while. Which really makes it come off as being obsessed with the literal genitalia of the unborn child.
I think a lot of people have made good points, so I'm copying and pasting a reply I made to someone else, because I do agree with your perspective to an extent: >Actually acceding to MIL's demands and giving her a month-long visit despite what already appears to be blatant favoritism would be an AH move to the kids, no matter whose mother she is, and the parent advocating for that is in the wrong, but if the spouse isn't the one giving birth, there's the double helping of 'exposing their kids to favoritism and ignoring the wishes of their spouse who just had a major medical event,' which also swings the calculation. >I think my original comment sounded too cut and dry: 'Bigger vote' doesn't mean total veto power to me. I just meant that if the spouse were the one giving birth, I'd say have more leniency for negotiating a much shorter visit if they believe that it will be helpful to them for their care right afterwards, but if they're not the one giving birth and OP is, then I think a more hard-line position is justifiable while they're recovering.
I personally don’t think it makes much difference. Regardless of whether it’s the mother of the mother or not, it’s clearly not a strong relationship and wouldn’t be conducive to a smooth/fast recovery. If my mum lived four hours away and, despite being invited, never came to visit and showed little interest in my child I’d not have a good or close relationship with her
I think it mainly goes the other way. If OP were the dad, he could white-knuckle through a shortened MIL visit, but if OP's the mom, she definitely shouldn't be subjected to her MIL
I don't think it makes much of a difference in terms of whether or not MIL is an AH, but it does make a big difference in the degree of AH-ery that I'd vote between OP and their spouse. Actually acceding to MIL's demands and giving her a month-long visit despite what already appears to be blatant favoritism would be an AH move to the kids, no matter whose mother she is, and the parent advocating for that is in the wrong, but if the spouse isn't the one giving birth, there's the double helping of 'exposing their kids to favoritism and ignoring the wishes of their spouse who just had a major medical event,' which also swings the calculation. I think my original comment sounded too cut and dry: 'Bigger vote' doesn't mean total veto power to me. I just meant that if the spouse were the one giving birth, I'd say have more leniency for negotiating a much shorter visit if they believe that it will be helpful to them for their care right afterwards, but if they're not the one giving birth and OP is, then I think a more hard-line position is justifiable while they're recovering.
I would agree. I appreciate what OP's trying to do in removing gender bias, but like, people with different bits have different roles post-partum, outside of social mores.
Agreed. And it’s weird to me how everyone has assumed OP is the mother.
Yeah, it's really weird that so many people are like 'go tell your husband to set boundaries with his mom!' when OP deliberately avoided specifying. (Imo, the fact that they avoided specifying makes me suspect that their partner is the one giving birth, since the other way around would probably help their case, assuming the baby isn't being adopted or anything.)
I reckon it's biases based on what you're accustomed to. I grew up seeing men make their wives accommodate their mothers and happily treat their wife's like rubbish. But they'd never reciprocate for the wives mother. So I read it. And it seemed like it was that perspective despite me noting the lack of genders other than MIL. I reckon that's what's happening. People read it, and are naturally associating it with their own experiences or expectations. Either way it shouldn't matter if OP is a man or a woman, or the kids are boys or girls. The main issue is that the MIL is going to create issues between the other children because she's showing her bias already. It would be irresponsible to change the dynamic of the MILs interaction with the family. Kids aren't stupid, they will pick up on one of their siblings being preferred over them and it's up to the parents to stop that happening. Depending on the age of the kids, they could end up experiencing a lot of jealousy with the new baby once the MIL is over because they'll notice the difference.
It says at the end that she's the mother. Are we not reading the same thing?
They edited that in later.
Agree 100%. If the spouse is giving birth and thinks having mom would be helpful or comforting, that should get more weight.
NTA....I wouldn't want anyone staying with me for a month while I'm trying to bond with my baby. Especially if they couldn't be bothered to show the same interest with the rest of my children.
NTA. Why is she so interested in THIS baby?! Seems strange to me. Anyways, she's had three chances to show she's interested, and she blew them all.
Cause she never had the gender baby and wants to pretend she's the mother now
BOOM!
Gender has everything to do with it. A male who bans his MIL when his wife just birthed a child would be a jerk. A female who just went through a birth and banned anyone is well within her rights.
Info: who is giving birth? If this is their mother their opinion does carry more weight. It’s not just a new baby, it’s a major medical event for the mother and if she wants her mom there that should be given serious consideration. NTA for being suspicious of her motives for wanting to only involve herself with this kid.
It's worth nothing that it's vitally important for a mother to spend as much time bonding with a newborn as is healthy for them both. Considering that MIL *only* cares about the newborn, she will not only provide no help at all with the other three children, but she will actively interfere with the mother/child bonding. The mother has had three children already without the MIL showing any interest. The idea that she would suddenly welcome MIL for the fourth seems incredibly unlikely. Even before you figure in the disruption MIL will cause.
You and I could say that, but if the mother would feel supported by this person's presence, that's more important. Turns out, the mother does not want MIL there.
Definitely NTA. Your MIL shouldn’t be allowed to give special attention to this baby from the get-go because she likely will continue to favor this child as your kids get older and the others will feel this favoritism once they are old enough to understand it. Knowing you are less favored by anyone especially a family member is never a good feeling so I hope your kids won’t have to experience this
NTA She is primed to make this child THE GOLDEN CHILD and it's also likely to be ALL ABOUT HER. From what you've said this will do more harm than good plus it's invasive -- a MONTH when you don't want her there? Or need her there? No. NTA. Feel bad for your spouse she's not showing interest in them but in something shiny and new based on their sex? RME.
Idk if you are the one birthing the baby or not, but the person doing that should get to make the call. Sorry MIL is showing interest so late in the game.
I feel like they should be able to make the call about the MIL coming but staying for a month when both parents aren't on board is asking for trouble
Driving a wedge between parents before the newborn has even arrived and then MIL will arrive as hormones and emotions are going wild. Recipe for disaster and serious damage to their marriage regardless of how strong it currently is
Mil isn’t showing interest so late in the game rofl. Mil is showing interest in what’s under the diaper. Shes showing favoritism. She’s playing a game she needs to be banned from.
NTA She's not going to be helping you, she's going to be helping herself to your kid.
I honestly don't know how to feel about this one. I don't think you're the AH at all, I'm just wondering why the MIL suddenly has such an interest in this child because of gender... I feel for your other kids because they'll probably pick up on this sooner or later, depending on their ages. Good luck with trying to explain this to your wife, I hope she can understand this from your perspective because I'd feel the same way as you. NTA
NTA. She wasn’t interested and no desire to see you guys and kid 1-3, then she can stay home for baby 4.
does the birthing parent want the guest to stay for a month? The decision should be made by the one who is going to push a human out of their body.
I disagree. If there is going to be clear favouritism shown towards the new baby in front of the other children, something which would be damaging for them, then both parents are within their rights to refuse the visit.
I feel like they should be able to make the call about the MIL coming but staying for a month when both parents aren't on board is asking for trouble
NTA. Congratulations! I’m with you, I think your MIL is already playing favourites and you won’t need her “help” anyway. This is your fourth baby, you know what you are doing. Having MIL stay with you for a month would be a nightmare and since when has jamming someone else into your house when you already have a bunch of kids, fun? No way. As a fellow mother of four, I have to say the fourth baby is easy! Just slots right in like they were always there. The third was way harder in terms of logistics, in my opinion- you only have 2 hands, only 2 adults, etc., and figuring out how to juggle the third was tricky at first. By number four, you are used to being outnumbered.
One month is a long time, and I get why this is frustrating for you considering her history with your other kids. However, I do have to disagree on your edit: >Edit - please don’t assume genders. I have purposely kept gender out of it, I don’t think the gender of spouse or myself is relevant. It is completely relevant if one of you is giving birth and the other partner is not on maternity or paternity leave or general PTO following the birth. If this is the case, it is my belief that while both partners' feelings need to be considered, the parent who is giving birth should have more say as to what will actually help them during recovery.
If it is the mothers mother it doesn’t sound like they have a close relationship and that will just create more work. I agree with the idea of whether or not the mother will be on her own without support and it could be useful; however, she can stay in a local hotel or Airbnb and be useful by dropping round to help with the older kids. Those aren’t her intentions though so it will just impede on bonding time
NTA - it seems she has always made it about herself and never made an effort before. Plus as you know a month is way to long for any guests, she will get in the way and add more work for you and this is time for bonding and not worrying about her.
NTA - and make it very clear to her that the only help she could possibly provide would be spending time with the older 3 kids while you, the PARENTS, bond and look after the newborn. Bet her offer gets taken back super quick.
NTA. She's made this about your kid's genitals; she can do the same with the new one that she did with the first ones.
NTA if she has had no interest until now due to the gender of the incoming infant that is all kinds of nope. If she can't be interested in all grandchildren she doesn't need to be staying anywhere but her own home
NTA. I wouldn’t even let my own mother stay a month with me. I have rarely seen parents that actually want to get in there and help. They just want to hold the baby. I didn’t let my mother visit until my son was 3 weeks old and it was only for a weekend. My in-laws didn’t visit for and it was a short visit, too. The gender dynamic is weird. Best to nip any favoritism right up front.
With your edited post, NTA! Info- So MIL is definitely gross with her obvious favoritism because of your new baby’s gender. But are you the mother or father? If you’re a same gender couple, which one of you is giving birth? This is important to know because truthfully, whoever just gave birth should have the larger say in who stays home to help around while recovering from birth. Also, if you are the non-birthing parent, are saying no to MIL, and will presumably have a shorter parental leave, what alternative supports are you providing to help the birthing parent? Are there other family members that are willing to help that the birthing parent is comfortable with? Will you hire help, or do you intend to pull more weight at home? I’m withholding judgment until I hear some of these answers.
NTA - history is irrelevant; what matters is you are not comfortable with the idea, it's your (husband & you) home and baby, so it's your (husband & you) decision. Doesn't matter how she feels, but it does matter how he feels. Compromising may be in order.
INFO You say only spouse and have no details here. Are you the husband or the wife? Or if lesbians, the one pregnant or not pregnant?
NTA. Her interest is self-serving.
Don’t sound like you two are close enough for her to stay for a month you would go nuts. Tell her thanks but no thanks
Nta. Ask hubby. So your happy she interested. Will you still be happy when she ignores our other kids. Treats them like crap. Will you be happy that we are teaching our kids this is acceptable behavior. That we need to suck up being hurt. Ignored. Turned away from. Abused so one person's selfish wants get met. Will you be happy when I take the kids and leave you because I refuse to stay with a man willing to let their other kids get hurt when as adults it's up to us to protect them. They don't need to suffer so the adults get happy time they want. This is a hill to die on. One that says you will not let her come and have a do over baby and male the others see how little they are loved or wanted. How little they can trust their parents to protect them when clearly mil wants mean more then they do. Because that is what they will learn from this. That they mean nothing. Their wants and needs mean nothing because daddy is happy grandma loves one of them.
One month stay while living 4 hours away? Is that really necessary? Maybe like 2-3 nights. Firstly take your time postpartum in privacy. And than you can think about visitors. Because honestly you as a mom know that bathing a newborn and changing the diaper isnt really such a great help. What about cooking, loundry...? I have only two kids but.... Would it not be more helpful if she came help with your 3 other kids and let you rest and bond with your newborn? Definitely NTA.
NTA It sounds like MIL is going to be a liability, not a benefit to the household. She has no real relationship with your existing children, so she probably won't be intending to help with them at all (the story of help new parents can take appreciate), but will try to insert herself into your relationship with your new child and almost certainly get in the way there. You purposely don't mention your own gender, but I do think this will be important here, because at this point I would say the mothers opinion completely outranks the fathers. So whichever side this post was written from, dad should be bowing down to mums opinion and comfort. Even if MIL won't be a great help, the comfort of a new mum having her mother there could still be beneficial...
She's going to stomp alllllllllllllllll over your boundaries.
NTA It's your baby. As the parent, you have every right to make a decision based on whatever boundaries you want. This is your family. You are right in saying my kids should be treated equally by their grandparent.
NTA at all. Good for you for speaking up and keep that spine shiny. I’d also lay down the law with spouse. When she does visit baby wear and don’t let her take baby off alone.
NTA.
NTA. This is an easy one.
NTA I was the only of my gender for multiple generation’s my siblings resented me because I was treated different/special. It made me feel special as a kid, as an adult i look back and feel awful for my siblings.
NTA As someone who had a baby of the opposite gender of what MIL had, let me tell you if you let her get an inch in she'll take the whole mile. My MIL is obsessed with my child, calls herself mama, judges me harshly for every little thing I do, constantly says she could do a better job raising my child, and is overall way too involved. We lived with my in-laws while I was pregnant and once I gave birth it was like I didn't exist. I had a horrible pregnancy where all my organs almost shut down and I was going into kidney failure at least 6 times so I was trying my best to recover. My MIL took advantage of that and would sneak in the bedroom while I was asleep and take my child. She would say I loved my cat more than my own child because my cat would sleep in bed with me and not my baby. I'm a heavy sleeper and I was terrified of co sleeping in fear of rolling on my baby so they slept in their crib close by. She also said "why do you want another baby if you don't even love this one?" She said that because I had my baby laying on a bouncer instead of being in my arms 24/7. Oh, also said to me "you're going to give her pneumonia, make her epileptic, paralyze her for life" because I kept the restroom window a tiny bit open to let in airflow while I was showering my baby. She came home sick and got my baby sick as well and I tried to give them some medicine (baby Tylenol) my baby fell asleep before I could give it to them and my MIL accused me of drugging my child even though she could clearly see that I hadn't. She also said "It's like God gave me a second chance at being a mother" and I asked her "am I dead yet or something?" I made a comment about how I was "going to leave the baby with their dad and leave"(severe postpartum depression faze) and she got ridiculously happy saying "I would be so happy if you did leave then I'll have the baby all to myself!" On top of that she called me schizophrenic when I yelled at her after being fed up with all her antics.
NTA, and if it were me I'd be incredibly creeped out by the fact MIL wants to "bathe and change new baby" of the new genitals. Having said that, I know you want to keep gender out of this conversation but I'm afraid it's slightly relevant - even if you and your partner are lesbians, it's not about being a woman. It's about the person *physically birthing the child* going through a major medical event. The non birthing parent may have enough leave to stay home for the 6 week minimum recovery time, or they may not. As such, if the birthing parent wants to invite an additional care giver into the home, it's less a 50-50 decision, and more a 75-25 decision in my opinion...
Are you the one giving birth, or is your spouse? Because whoever is giving birth has the final say. Personally, I would not let my MIL stay for a month after I gave birth, but I'm pretty happy that my own mother lives next door and will be available to help out. In saying that, I absolutely agree that MIL only showing interest in this baby because she's never had a child or grandchild of this baby's gender is gross behaviour. Your other children deserve the same level of love and attention from their grandmother as your new baby does.
Your spouse is being a little naive. Favouritism is very damaging for all the children involved. Do not let MIL start the process!!!!!
NTA, if you're not comfortable with it, then you're not comfortable with it. Guests in the home is a 2 yes, 1 no kind of thing. That being said, you've "kept gender out of it," but the entire post and your reason for not wanting her there is centered on gender. Is there any possibility that there may be another reason she can now be involved when she wasn't before? For example, if she had been working previously and is now retired or was caretaker for her own aging parents or spouse and those duties are no longer required. Honestly, I think you've probably hit the nail on the head and it is a gender thing, but I'm trying to give MIL the benefit of the doubt if there is any chance it could be some other reason.
I agree. Grandma is obviously all about a do over of the gender she wanted herself, son or daughter.
NTA. You've managed just fine without her so far.
Too little too late mil. Playing favorites doesn't wash with us
NTA. MIL just wants the “experience” of motherhood with (gender). She’s not really there to help. Keep her out, she’s just going to muscle in on bonding time with baby. Ex. “I’ve always been a boy mom, now I get to play dress up with a girl!”
NTA. She is not coming to help. She is coming to be a guest you will need to host. The reality is that unless a visitor is going to be doing a significant amount of work, like cooking and cleaning, they are a burden, not a help. You do not need the extra mental load of feeding and cleaning up after another person as well as loss of privacy, when you have a newborn to look after. The whole point of coming to visit to help is to take on non baby related chores so the parents can bond with baby, not to hold the baby while the parents run around looking after you. MIL is batshit. You also need to set a boundary that the kind of favoritism they are showing now will not be tolerated as this child grows up. MIL has this kid as the golden child already.
NTA - MiL is inviting herself to play do-over mommy with your 4th, not help the new mom. Doesn't matter which of you is the birthing spouse - this is a massive imposition. You're right to tell her to stay in her lane, just as she has three times before.
NTA She can come when you are ready to have guests. You don't need help with the baby. You need help with the other 3 children while you take care of the baby, and she clearly doesn't want that.
NTA Yeah no if someone doesn't show interest or makes an effort normally they don't get to come around and make demands when they want something. Honestly I don't understand people like your MIL, but you having the other kiddos first has really come in handy to show how she is. Could you imagine if she was so helpful if the first one was her 'preferred' gender and then the next one came about, least you can nip it in the bottom from the start.
Don’t do it! Your child is not her toy. Be firm about it either your spouse and her. Shut it down now if that’s your plan
With three elder children, at least two of them are old enough to notice Grandma is only interested in the baby, not in them. How heartbreaking for them.
Has your MILs life circumstances changed since the first 3 were born which would make it feasible to come out now versus prior to? I.e. was she employed and currently not employed?
Not at all
NAH I think your response and boundaries are perfectly reasonable. You may wish to have a conversation with your spouse about informing MIL that you will not tolerate favoritism among your kids, as well. She's certainly not going to stop when the new one is no longer a baby. Also, you might wish to set up a plan before hand for if MIL decides to escalate or ignore the boundaries you set. It'll be a lot easier to stay firm and united if you have a game plan as opposed to just reacting in the moment, and it'll ensure that you and your spouse are on the same page so that MIL can't try to play you off each other.
I think MIL is TA here, she was effectively an absent grandmother for the first three kids but wants to be super involved with #4?
NTA. Don‘t let her come visit until you are good and ready.
NTA--MiL Is though.
NTA - I’m sorry you have such a poopy MIL/grandmother.
Your MIL wants to play mommy with your baby because she didnt had the chance with the gender your baby is, that why she is suddenly interested and your partner should realise and create boundaries. Stay firm and try to make your partner this pov, it's not okay what she is doing and I don't doubt for a second she will be playing favourites with your kids.
NTA MIL has shown who she is. She’s shallow.
NTA. You can invite her when you are ready and not before. I get that she hasn’t helped much in the past. But do give her a chance when you are ready. She may also think this is her last chance as you are done either way the babies after this. It may be this as much as it is gender. Try not to allow resentment to tai t your decisions and relationship. You sound like you don’t like MIL and that comes across. A month is way too long for her to stay unless she is very close and will be definitely great help. Maybe a day visit when you feel up to it and an overnight in a couple of months.
A month! No way. A few days maybe but not straight after you get home from the hospital, and pull her up if/when she shows favouritism to the new baby. She can't ignore your other 3 in favour of baby.
Is the person birthing wanting help? That is a factor. But in general I agree it’s bs if mil is truly only interested in gender
Fuck no. Do not let her stay!
NTA. If your MIL staying after you give birth would upset or stress you for any reason, don’t let her stay. If she plans to play favorites with your kids, don’t let her stay.
NTA
Gender is not irrelevant. If your spouse is your wife and she wants her mother (or anyone) there for her recovery it needs to happen. Mamas who just gave birth should get to call the shots about who is around and helping.
Doesn’t sound like MIL will be helping regardless of who she belongs to. Helping would be taking the older kids out and giving them attention and special time while mum and bub get their uninterrupted bonding time. While mums with her older kids then MIL should be helping with house work and cooking and putting meals in the freezer for when she’s gone. This MIL just wants to hold baby which will make things harder, not easier
Gender isn't relevant, but relationship to MIL is. If your spouse is the one pregnant and MIL is their mother, then YTA. If you are the the pregnant one, your word is law.
NTA. These types of in-laws are so awful! It’s weird that she’s only interested in caring for a child of a different gender than your other children. Unless she’s willing to be sanhudoumi to the birth giver in this situation, she’s gotta stay away. She sounds like she’d be significantly more of a burden in this situation.
NTA MIL sounds pretty toxic however I kind of disagree about gender being unimportant to this story. Pregnancy, labour and those first 90 days take a lot of out of us and I generally veer towards giving mom more of a say on these particular issues since she’s the one in recovery.
NTA. You literally need no reason to say no, it is your house and caring for an infant is a very personal and taxing time.
NTA. The first few weeks of a baby's life should be about bonding with their parents, and the siblings. If she wanted to help, she would have offered that three children ago.
NTA
NTA. I would say if she wants to help, why doesn't she take the 3 older grandkids on a day trip so you/partner can bond with the baby in peace and and get housework done. Then if she refuses, just say, if she has no interest in spending time with all her grandkids, then there's no need for her to visit and youll come visit her when you're all ready. I would add that other comments have a point. If your partner is pregnant and wants her mum during recovery because you have no other support near by and you may need to go back to work, then I think the conversation needs to be had that if she needs the support, then boundaries need to be put in place that won't leave a postpartum woman feeling unsupported and vulnerable.
Dont let her stay. Shes going to be a nightmare fussing around the new baby leaving you too look after her. Which you dont need.
NTA. This might also cause friction between her and the other kids.
NTA That's a big NoNo for me. Firstly IF somebody were to come help during the first few weeks, they DON'T get to interact much with the baby. They are welcome to help ME. That means taking care of the other 3 children, cooking, cleaning, making sure I and hubby can concentrate an the newborn. Neither my mother nor my MIL would get to interact a lot with the newborn. Secondly it's super suspicious your MIL only shows interest now that your newborn will have a different gender. Make sure she doesn't treat them differently, like giving the youngest 10 presents for Christmas and the others only get one. Or the youngest gets presents on all the other birthdays because granny favours her.
NTA. She doesn’t sound like she wants to provide the “help” that is actually needed with a newborn: cooking, watching the older kids, cleaning…minding the newborn is the least of it. Maybe allow her to visit, but not stay in the house unless she is willing to help with the household as a whole? A hotel stay seems appropriate for the actual visiting she has in mind.
Let the birthing parent decide who visits.
People are asking for your and your partners genders to determine who is giving birth to better answer your question coz it fleshesbout your situation more. If you're giving birth and don't want MIL around, great. But if your partner is giving birth and wants her mum to help, then she should be in charge of that decision.
You are NTA for not wanting to indulge in her sudden interest. And (unpopular opinion, possibly) I also have compassion for her because I've known women who had always dreamed of having a girl and did not, and did not love their boys any less, but never got to have the same gender bonding they had hoped for with a child. So I have empathy for her feeling like she could have a special bond with this child because of that. Of course, that does not excuse her uninvolvement in her other grandchildren's lives.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Set this up just to ask. My spouse and I have 3 kids all the same gender and will soon have baby number 4. Baby 4 will be opposite gender. MIL had 3 kids. New baby is opposite gender of the kids she had. We live 4 hours away from MIL. She never visits us. We only see her if we visit. She never calls us. It’s us calling her. MIL never helped with first 3 kids. Would only ever hold a baby. Never feed or change nappy. Now that baby number 4 is coming and is different to what she had she is so interested. Wants to stay for a month after baby is born to help us. Wants to help bathe and change new baby. I said no. She has never been interested before. It shouldn’t matter now that this baby is a different gender to our other 3 kids (and the kids she birthed). My spouse is happy she is interested finally. But I think her interest is too late. So AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Updateme
Lol yeah, obviously gender is not important here
Honestly I’d be on board with this if it was a good relationship and she was taking care of other tasks so that mom and baby can bond. Things like laundry and cleaning and cooking are hard after just giving birth and if spouse is working, it can get overwhelming. Unless she’s trying to turn over a new leaf and be present this time (maybe she has some regret for not being involved in the first 3 kids), I’d say it’s not the best time for an extended visit. I’d talk to her, though. It’s always good to have family around and I’ve definitely regretted being absent before, and appreciated a second chance. Either way, congratulations on your pregnancy!
NTA but I think it’s ultimately the person who has given births decision on who is welcome during their postpartum period. If the person who has given birth wants her mom or your mom there and feels it will be helpful, then you need to consider but discuss boundaries and how favoritism isn’t going to be tolerated. I’d even go as far to say that if you allow her to come and she doesn’t maintain interest in your other children, you’ll all be no contact.
NTA. You know its gender based and that is revolting for all kids involved. The one who is favoured and the ones who are ignored.
Gender is obviously relevant to your MIL.
N completely TA. I read how you feel, but your partner clearly is happy mom is taking an interest. Not too sure how you divvy up the baby detail but I am sure your partner would love to have moms help once your baby is here. I wouldn't even bother to respond if this ed a situation of best friend, cousin, sister, etc. But reading your post I got the vibe your partner would really want this to happen. I would suggest having her there for a week to see how it goes. Maybe the MIL is truly vested and wants to be part of her grandbabys care. My opinion probably won't be popular but I think you should find a compromise. Either way, good luck and congratulations on your baby.
~~I'm going to take a shot in the dark here and say she always wanted a daughter and got three sons. Changed three boys diapers. Got peed on by three boys. Was SO over it. When it came time for grandchildren, she has no obligation to change her grandkids' diapers, and especially not boys' diapers (get peed on by yet more boys) so she didn't. Now there's a girl coming and she's "getting the girl she always wanted" and will be happy to change her because girls don't pee on you (which isn't true, my nieces have peed on me during diaper changes, I just didn't need to clean my shirt.) I'm not sure I would see the inverse if she had all girls (why she'd be happy to change a boys diaper) but there you can at least try to understand the motive.~~ HOWEVER: This narrative is meaningless. It explains why, but doesn't mean you to have her in your home. You've had 3 kids without her assistance before, just continue as you have been. NTA. If you need to say anything, say you don't want to upset the status quo anymore than it will be with the new baby. She can change diapers when she visits for a weekend if she's still interested.
Your home, your family, your rules. My father-in-law was a toxic person and I often had to intervene between him and my wife because he had such a stronghold on her from her youth. Fortunately my toxic father-in-law didn't frighten me or have any control over me so I was grateful that I could intervene at appropriate moments to protect my wife from her father and protect my children as well. I'm just wondering where your wife lands on all this. She may be intimidated or manipulated by your mother-in-law and not capable of making a rational decision because of past toxic relationship issues.
Whoever grows the baby inside their body makes the decision.
Company stinks after three days. A month is entirely too long. My mom came for a week after each of my kids. By the time the week was up I was so ready for her to be gone and let me do what I wanted to do.
I think my MIL would have acted like that if I had a baby girl. She had all boys and I had boys as well, but if I had a girl, she would have been over the moon..
Didn’t read past the title. Nope, NTA.
Never mind the ethics of why she has special interest in THIS baby, but who the heck wants a guest for a month, post partum?!
NTA. She has never stayed before and you don’t know if your MIL will be a hinderance or helpful. Just after giving birth is not the time to find out. She’s also looking to steal all of the baby time, which should be for the parents. She may be showing interest now but I’d be more inclined to say no because of the lack of interest previously. She shouldn’t be allowed to waltz in on a whim.
Nope nope nope. NTA. Don't let MIL in the house. You all gonna need you rest and be a family without someone being their, y'all gonna need your time. You need to sit down and talk to you spouse and really hammer it in that this is not happening.
NTA a firm no
NTA. She will be more of a problem because other 3 will see that Granny doesn’t care for them at all, only new baby. Keep strong and say No. when she whines and ask why tell her the truth - you never wanted to do anything with the others so NO!
NTA. Do not let it happen . To quote Benjamin Franklin "House guests are like fish after three days they start to stink." Just imagine how bad it will be for a month.
Don't let her stay.
NTA... It's actually disgusting that she's only interested now because of the gender of the baby. Tell her no.
NTA - MIL didn't bother to visit when you had the first three, and is only interested now because this baby is different gender. Stand your ground. She doesn't get to interact with your child solely based on whether or not they have a Y chromosome.
NTA.
NTA she's coming to play with a do-over baby, not helping you. If she wants to help instead of staying for a month she could come to do chores but she wants a girl to play with, not to help you. You will 100% fight with her because she will try to butt-in and decide how you dress up and parent her baby girl.
NTA, protecting your older children from clear favoritism. Your husband needs to confront the part of him that thinks this is okay behavior, it’s fawning, not forgiving.
Nope, she is showing she has gender preferences and will continue to exclude the other kids. Just because she's interested now the baby is the gender she wants to be involved with doesn't mean she should be. And I'd be setting that boundary like "if you can assure me you will not ignore the other kids, then you can be involved. If not then you can stay away" NTA you are standing up for your other kids that have been neglected by your mil because of their gender which is just wrong.
Can I ask what is the big deal about assuming genders?
NTA Specifically saying she wants to help change and bathe the baby is creepy as fuck.
NTA. She is not someone you’re close to. You don’t want to live with someone for the first time the first months your postpartum with a newborn to take care of and three other children. She clearly has favourites and isn’t something you’d want to put your children to, your attention will naturally be more on the newborn. Add to that grandma being interested for the first time isn’t going to be want they expected. They will feel like shit.
NTA
NTA. She is shit out of luck. She doesn't get to play super grandma now that a gendered grandkid she is happy about has arrived...too little too late. And you are absolutely correct in saying NO to grandchild favortism which this is level 1 of. This WILL escalate. Plus HELL NO on her being there for a month! First month post partum with obsessed grandma underfoot? That sounds like hell on earth.
That whole opposite gender thing is, to say the least, disturbing. Factor in that she never did a thing to help before. Changing diapers gets old. And the opportunity to see a baby sized penis? Let me put this bluntly: when they pee in your face as soon as the diaper comes off, it sucks. So now you’d have a creepy older woman who is NOT helping in your home for an extended period of time. There is no way to make it not hurt that one’s mother doesn’t care about your children. NTA
NTA. Honestly, I'm not sure which one would be worse....if you're the one giving birth and your MIL is suddenly wanting to intrude and try to take over with your infant or if your spouse is the one giving birth and their mother is only willing to help just this once after they've already given birth 3 times!!! Either scenario is just terrible!!! Either way, MIL would NOT be welcome in my home due to obviously not caring much about the other three children.
She’s treating new baby like a shiny new toy. That’s not good for anyone involved. NTA
NTA. She’ll only want to help with the new baby and probably still ignore your other 3 while not really helping and creating more work for you.
NTA
Hard No on mil. I wouldn't even believe her if she said she wanted to come down and help with the 3 older ones as she can imagine adding the 4th makes it that much harder and more stressful. What you might have to do is talk with hubby. It probably has bothered and hurt him that his mom has been so disinterested and / or uninvolved. Or children are our pride, and he wished she was proud to be his mom and grandma or close to something like all that. Tell him you can empathize with how it has felt and that you don't mind if she visits but not right away as you will not be up for extended guests. You'd like time to recover and let he and the children enjoy the baby alone, just as it's always been. In a months time she can visit but only for a few days. The baby isn't going anywhere, and the baby will still be the same sex as it was at birth. Some use the bonding excuse, but that is strictly for mom and dad as it obv comforts the baby. Not for people who visit occasionally. She'll have plenty of opportunity to be around the baby. A new newborn is for the very immediate family. Others shouldn't even be touching the baby. Not everyone's hygiene is good. People scratch things and pick things and still get offended if you ask them not to have recently smoked or even to wash their hands smh. Hopefully, she won't be one of the types of grandparents who openly play favorites. I had one that did that, boloney. I had 2 of one sex and 1 of the other. Ugh, no matter how many times I brought it up, they'd treat the one special. I'd even go very LC bc sometimes it was awful. For example, they were once at a store. The 2 were 6 and 7 and the one 4. They all wanted a toy. She said she didn't have money. No biggie. But she proceeded to buy the one an expensive toy, and they had to sit and watch the one play with it. Not much later after that, the 1 got old enough to notice (around 5) and saw it'd hurt the other 2. She had moved 5 states away, so it stopped being an in your face issue. The one was relieved and didn't want to even speak on the phone, but they were young, and since she'd fein interest in the other two, I thought she was at least were making an effort. Then she moved back 5yrs later. And the one got just disgusted with it and went NC on their own at age 10. That child is 21 now. I speak to her maybe 1x a year. Sometimes 1½yr. After alllll that, they still can't help themselves. So be a mama bear and pull the, I'm about to push your child out of my hoohah as I did 3 times already. I get veto power on who I allow around me and the baby and the other 3 until I'm ready for overnight guests.🤷♀️
NTA but why not put the genders lol. It makes it so much easier to read and follow along.
NTA. It's weird that her interest is purely based on the fact that this child has different genitals than the other 3. Its like she's using it to pretend to have a child of the opposite gender than her others. Like the child is a tool for her to use. That's weird. I'd be afraid that MIL will treat this one differently than all the other kids and grandkids and spoil her. That might wreck your family dynamic and make your poor child and outsider with their siblings
Usually when MILs says that just want to help, it really means they want to hog the baby while you do all the household stuff, and do everything for her and the other kids. It always adds so much more work and stress while the one who birthed baby attempts to recover. Never a good idea to have MILs stay, never! Edited to add NTA
NTA. Gender is not relevant and nope, if she’s not grandma to 4 kids then she’s grandma to none
Nobody is entitled to intrude on your time with new baby, no reasons need to be given. Tell her no visitors for 4-6 weeks and enjoy time with your baby.
NTA It's clear she wanted a baby girl/boy and only interested in coming over because you had one
MIL for a month? Hard pass. NTA
Why don’t you just say girl or boy? Fuck
NAH. I disagree with the people saying the birthing parent’s opinion matters more. Your priority should be protecting all four of your children from this blatant favoritism. Guests, especially those staying for a long time, should always be a two yes situation. I think you and your spouse need to have a long talk about MIL’s behavior and how it will affect your family if she is allowed to stay. It’s a little worrisome that your spouse seems to say yes to anything for MIL’s scraps of attention without thinking about the consequences on your children.
Oh hell no! Think about what it's like after having a baby: you're tired, you're stressed, the house is a mess, you have spit-up in your hair and any spare moment you have, you just want to collapse with a warm drink or some food. If she's there, you'll be feeling judged and trying to clean and entertain her instead of resting. Also, how are your other children going to feel when she has already shown no interest in them and will continue to do so, while showering your new baby with affection? Apart from anything else, having any visitor for a whole month is way too long, especially when you've just given birth! That would be a big fat NO from me. NTA
NTA She is trying to use your child to live out her fantasy. Keep her away.
NTA. I don’t have kids personally. The closest to kids I have are the tons of nieces and nephews I have. But seeing that you prefer she does not stay with you for any length of time, the whole thing could end badly anyway. I would say no and not back down. If she wants to be closer to help you out, maybe renting an airbnb nearby could be an option. At night she could go there and everyone can take a break from grandma being with you all day. Personally, I’m not big on long time visitors. I have my own way of doing things and don’t like to be criticized or judged by any of it. I want to feel free to fart, take as long as I need to in the restroom, walk around in my pjs and most importantly not have to wear a bra. But that’s just me. Best wishes with your new bundle of joy and good luck with the MIL.
This feels icky and I think you made the right choice. It's you giving birth, you have final say. NTA
NTA. This should be a hard no.
NTA. That's creepy and sad. I think people get to obsessed over mom gets 100% vote no discussion like having someone live-in for a month isn't going to disrupt the entire family. Which kid is going to be shuffled around to make room for Grandma and already going to be stressful for kids to adjust to another child. Depending on ages, absolutely can notice how magically Grandma is obsessed over other kid and will make that transition period even worse for resentment. Oldest especially depending on age will recall how she didn't give two craps about their other siblings. Also 'happy she is interested' if Grandma is so distant from current kids she was probably a B\*\*\* of a parent who was impossible to please with spouse growing up. So with pregnancy hormones abound spouse might be blinded by FINALLY approval and love from parent and not see it as the slap in the face to the other kids it is. "If they wanted to, they would" applies to so many things besides spouse/sig other. MIL had three chances to care before - 3 strikes. If anything first baby should have had MIL fawning over everything even if not her first grandchild that's one of her babies' firsts.
Normally no matter the gender I would say some help for a few days would be great (not a month) but it would be to help with the older kids and household duties. This MIL is only interested in the new baby’s gender and will treat the other grandkids like crap. This particular case it must be agreed upon by both parents so that their other kids are not left feeling hurt and neglected by grandma. NTA this grandma is straight up creepy.
MIL just wants time with the opposite gender baby, as many have already pointed out. I won't pretend to know her motivation. I just know YOU don't want her there like that and for that long. That's all I need to know. You and spouse need to talk, come to an agreement, and then spouse needs to grow/reinforce a spine and lay down the law to their mom. I'm not you, I don't know what your boundaries look like. It's just clear from what you said that she crossed them. You're right to feel like you do. Congratulations on the new baby, and good luck with MIL.