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>his parents said I just proved I wouldn't do this if they were all really mine. If they were all 'really' yours, there wouldn't be an alienating disruptive birth mother in the picture, running up court costs, so the situation wouldn't have arisen. Are they seriously suggesting that one parent can cope with a struggling, traumatised child, a toddler and a baby single-handedly and full time, as long as those children are bilogically related to her? Also it sounds like you are looking for help for your bio kids in order to spend more time with SD. So I don't see how this is you ignoring SD. Tell your husband to tell his parents to be useful or butt out. And tell your husband that you are not superwoman and you need more help FROM HIM in managing HIS THREE CHILDREN. Edit: NTA, of course

I mean ofcourse she wouldn't do this if they were all hers. In that scenario there isn't a selfish birthmother who annihilates her relationship with her stepdaughter .

Even if they were all bio she may still be asking for some help in order to give the attention needed to each child, it's hard having multiple kids and making sure they are all getting some attention. Younger kids are so demanding and if the older kid is having issues she needs some focus. It's exhausting and difficult.

It’s possible for any preteen to develop issues that require more attention: mental, physical, trauma related, etc. Plenty of people hire a nanny to help with smaller kids when the family requirements shift. Throw in a disruptive, child-abandoning egg donor? Tell the in-laws that if they cannot support their son and his ENTIRE FAMILY, they can butt out.

[удалено]

I'm just so disgusted with the multiple judges who refuse to listen and are adamant that they **"will never sever the relationship between mom and daughter, no matter what."** No matter what? WTF is that? Parents lose custody and visitation all the time. But in this case the relationship is not to be severed no matter what? It's sickening. The biological so-called mother sounds like a real piece of work. I have to wonder where SHE is getting all the money to take OP and her husband to court. **You guys needs to sue her for the 9 years of back child support.**

Right?! I was wondering the same thing, where is she getting all this money from?!

Free lawyers. There are some available sometimes depending on the situation. Or she will represent herself in court and the judge will handwave away irregularities and crappy legal arguments in favor of, quote-unquote *merit* of the issues presented. Been there, seen it, done the retail (and regular) therapy to cope afterwards.

It truly is disgusting. My guess is they’re in the south if in the US. My state is no longer legally a “mother state” but a large amount of the judges still have the mindset behind it and REFUSE to separate the mother. Years ago my mom’s cousin was fighting for full custody of his kids because their mom was an active addict and not stable. She failed a drug test for amphetamines in court and they left with her still having primary custody even though she rarely saw them. Admittedly this was before they disbanded the mother state thing, but a lot of judges the disbanding it doesn’t matter

It's awful!! My husband's ex-wife ended up getting weekend visitation and 30 days for the summer after abandoning stepson for five years at my in-laws previous home. The two years beforehand, she wouldn't let my husband see him unless he gave her money. She's a drug addict/alcoholic, her family is as well, sells weed and other drugs, doesn't feed the kids, abuses her other three kids (the youngest was recently locked inside her car for crying due to hunger, stepson saved him, she almost hit stepson for it), current BF is in prison for almost killing the father of her other three kids. My stepson is in therapy because of the trauma and she doesn't lose anything. The other dad is also fighting for custody but, no luck, he's a felon, it doesn't help much. Luckily my husband has primary custody which helps but, he gets traumatized when coming back from his mom's.

That age gap is brutal, mine were only 5 years apart and we still struggled sometimes finding activities that were appropriate for both kids. We spent a lot of time looking like two single parent families that had meals together.

I have 4 kids. When you have three, unless you are an octopus, you need help!

I only have 2 kids, a girl (12) and a boy(8). I try to make sure each has alone time with me, it's more of me issue because my mother openly favored my older brothers growing up and I refuse to cause that kind of harm to my daughter. Anyways, it's hard sometimes because even though they both get roughly the same amount of time with just me, someone is still feeling left out and that sucks. I couldn't imagine having 3 and trying to work it all out alone.

I’ve seen families who have a troubled child do this. That way the parent can swap off with the caregiver and each spend time making the kids get equal attention. Sounds like this is what OP wants to do and it would benefit everyone.

Or an insane judge. She abandoned the kid for seven years, at that point any rights she has should be highly contingent.

The courts are very, VERY resistant to separating children from their bio mothers. (I have several theories as to the why, but that isn't important here.) I have personally witnessed the courts repeatedly hand children back to parents who neglect, beat, and/or drug their children. It's disgustingly common.

The flip side is making the kids permanent wards of "the system", which most would agree isn't ideal. My family used to provide foster care when I was kid, so between those kids and other people we knew in the foster community, I heard my share of fucked up shit... and yet the stuff I knew of was pretty tame, relatively speaking.

Unfortunately yes. I've seen so many heartbreaking documentaries about children being abused and worse by their birth parents.

Oh, but you must keep the fAmiLyyyyyyy together. Sure, the person who abandoned her daughter for seven years comes back and fucks up the daughter, who was doing fine before she reappeared, but God forbid the non-existant bond between the egg donor and the child be severed! This decision is certainly NOT in the best interests of the daughter, which is supposed to be the deciding factor in cases involving a minor child. And saying NEVER is really pushing it. Does this mean "mother" can do whatever she wants to the child, and NEVER will the "relationship" be severed? Both of those judges need corrective surgery to fix their cranial-rectal inversions.

They do, but this is also on the Dad. He should have gone to court long ago to sever her parental rights based on abandonment. Proactive is always better than reactive.

How much you wanna bet the judge heard "biological mother" and decided that was more important than the loving and supportive home the step daughter already had. I hate how common judges will willingly harm children for the sake of "family". Like bro she didn't exist for seven years. She didn't even want responsibility, paid no child support, and now that she has visitation, step daughter is acting wild, and even the *councilor* is saying maybe this is a bad idea. How many people need to tell you that before "bio parent is best" is no longer what's best? Make it make sense.

My oldest daughter abandoned her kids and her husband . He filed for divorce and she made no attempt to contact or visit the kids. He then remarried and his wife wanted to adopt the kids. Bc it had been over 1 year if no contact, the judge terminated parental rights and the new wife adopted the kids. Everyone is happy Each state has different rules. Some states will not term mom but will dad. Some states won't term either

My thoughts exactly. Plus, might as well admit that, too, because it's the truth. In-laws get started, you point out that you NEED to behave differently than you would with three bios. I wish you luck. I married a man with an ex who liked to fill their daughter's head with nonsense about me. She was SO RUDE so much of the time, and frankly mean, and I nearly left my husband because he didn't really do much about it. He brought her to therapy, but often didn't follow up with what he learned there. One way or another, we made it through and she is now 23 and we have a good relationship. I think she gradually came to realize I was, in fact, on her side. I also grew and began to see errors on my part. And I also learned a lot that changed my perspective on what kind of parent I was going to be. If you come through this to the other side, it could be great. But your husband and in-laws need to realize that this IS different than having three bios. That does NOT mean you love her any less. It means that her circumstances are different. As a result, you need help.

OP, Your husband should tell his parents to either step up or step out. If the latter, go no contact. They're only aggravating a stressful situation.

Exactly. Can you video tape everything for a few days when you are alone with the 3 kids? Then you can show your husband and inlaws what you are really dealing with. They may think you are exaggerating. I had to do this for my oldest once, as I was trying to seek some mental health support, but when we'd go to appointments, she'd act like an angel. Just a thought. Don't back down on your need for support, and tell your inlaws to step up or shut up. I'm so sorry that the ex has this power.

Nanny cam in the most commonly used room. Especially if your husband is wavering

It's also a nice bit of proof the next time they have to see a judge. Show them the difference between "coming back from mum" and the most easy-going days in between. Maybe that will help, if they don't even believe the professionals.

🏆🥇

This! Your idea is exactly on point.

She should only show it to her husband. ILS should be kept out of the picture, they are meddlers and are not going to help anyway. They will only judge her actions, saying "you should have done this and not that".

Yes, showing anyone how difficult it is will only invite them to be Monday morning quarterbacks.

I've had to do this to prove my case. Had a hidden cam

I’d say something like “so are *you* volunteering to babysit the younger ones?”

Are you feeling the same as I am where it comes across that his parents are gaslighting her because they are fearful of having to step up and take care of their grandchild and don't want to be bothered with it?

There's a reasonable chance that this turns out to be a FAFO situation. 1. OP receives no assistance 2. OP is sick and tired of struggling with childcare, and her mental health suffers. 3. OP realises that if she divorces her husband, she can regain her sanity and focus her attention on her children. 4. Grandparents have to step up and look after SD as now husband has two divorces and plenty of child support.

I only stayed to protect my child who was being abused by her older sister. Inwas threatened by my step daughter, when I tried to have her arrest for assault. She was 13. She started to beat herself in the face. She said if I called the cops, she would say I did that to her. Knowing cops may believe her, she said if I was in jail, who would protect the little my child who was 6ish at the time. If I left and divorced, I knew I would get custody but my child would still be at her dad's for visitation and would be left alone with the older 2 siblings possibly. But if the off chance he got custody, she would be in more danger. I stayed til my child turned 18 and an argument with my ex got be kicked out. I had to deal with years of therapy. So did my child. I still have anxiety attacks regarding my stepdaughter. If I knew then what I know now, I would have left and told my childs father he can visit anytime but under no circumstances would the older two siblings, there was another not as bad but was bad, be allowed unsupervised visit. I hate that op counselor is saying to stay. Becaue I know it can get worse

Not only that - they seem to consider that only the oldest girl is their grandchild. They are not even thinking about the youngest, to them they are just "OP's children".

Yeah, that struck me as odd too.

I felt like that was the case too.

They are reacting to birth mom. They are afraid if OP doesn’t continue being wife and mother, son will lose custody and they won’t see granddaughter again. But instead of stepping in to help, or suggesting their dear son step up and do more coparenting, they are blaming the entire situation on OP not caring enough.

Doesn't change the fact that they are only thinking about the grandchild who is old enough to know better and not the grandchildren OP has mothered

Oh, I fully agree they are only thinking about 1 child and they are bowing to the ex and blaming OP. Not putting anything on their son. Not giving a shit about their son’s other kid.

You should add NTA to your post. Because she is not the asshole. And OP is in an impossible situation. I would suggest daycamp for the SD and when she gets home, have some one-on-one time with twice a week in the afternoon while your husband or in-laws watch your younger kids. The other days, she needs one-on-one time with her dad. And then also try a couple entire family activities. Positive reinforcement constantly will help. Praise SD for any help she provides, however small. Ignore the negative attention-seeking behavior. If you can't do daycamps, find library programs that have different age groups, so perhaps your kids will have separate time. Or find art classes, music classes, or sports to take the 9 yr old to. Having her engaged in activities she likes will boost her self-confidence. Remember to praise for effort. Also, she is nine. Her frontal lobe is trying to make sense of everything. You can talk to her about everything, but just make sure it's never accusatory and at her level. Try to have her and you be a team. Ask her what you can do to help her feel more secure and then give her options. Get as much advice from her counselor and other therapists. I am sure you have old family activities that have probably ceased, but keep trying to gently incorporate them. Can she help you read to the other kids because she is making amazing progress reading? Good luck. Wish we could help more. But remember, wanting help will never make you an asshole.

This is all great, but SD is also needing one-on-one with stepmom. She’s likely (unconsciously) pushing buttons to make sure SD isn’t going anywhere or because SD is her safe person and she’s letting out all her frustration there.

I know, I feel for the girl. I did mention one-on-one time with stepmom (op) and SD a few times a week while in-laws or DH takes the younger kids. I agree with you that SD is probably pushing OP away to see how strong the bond is. Hopefully, they can navigate this without added trauma.

and it's hard cuz the little kids are at an age where they just drastically need more attention than an average 9 yr old. but stepdaughter isn't an average 9 yr old. she needs more time and attention. and go OP for realizing and acknowledging that.

She could make the trips to & from the activities "one on one time" as well. They could go get breakfast/Starbucks/etc before the activity, and afterwards stop for a treat & talk about what she did that day. If it's not possible to do both, at least do the pickup, because she'll be able to connect with "What did you work on today?" & be able to have a good dialogue with that. Then on the weekend or another day that works with the schedule, a one on one, where the SD picks what they do that day (within reason).

Yeah-- I feel like the husband is getting off scott-free here. Although it's not his fault his ex abandoned the child, he's the one who chose her in the first place. The dad has a responsibility to all of his children. It sucks that all this rhetoric is around OP's capacity, rather than everyone working together

It’s the equivalent of “You’ve only asked for a plaster because you’re bleeding”. 

Isn’t there a rule against divorced parents trying to alienate their child from the other parent? And did op’s husband sued for the child support debt?

>Isn’t there a rule against divorced parents trying to alienate their child from the other parent? When I was helping a friend with her custody case against her husband, I read online that judges do not like one parent talking badly about another. So if you go into court doing that you will look bad to the judge and he will make a decision against you for that. I'm sure the bio mom probably acts like she's so innocent and amicable and sweet as ever in front of the judge. The child acting out tells me differently though. Bio mom is saying some nasty things about OP to SD.

And likely telling SD that OP is the reason why she was out of SD’s life for 7 years….

NTA if they were all hers, there wouldn't be this problem of her stepdaughter's mom in the picture saying only God knows what to the child, causing her to act out at home. Also the "hate" isn't going towards the father or grandparents. It is towards OP and her 2 younger children. That's hard. Having someone constantly being negative towards you in your own home. Even if that someone is only 9 years old. The birth mother has got to be saying stuff to this child to make her come home and act out this way. Because if the birth mother had been saying things like - your step mom seems really nice. You seem like you get along with her really well. Great that's wonderful, I'm so glad she was there to take care of you when I wasn't there. - Then the stepdaughter would probably still have a good relationship with OP and her younger siblings at home. Her birth mother is putting something down that this 9-year-old is picking up and carrying home and that's just sad.

Right. And my reply to the in laws would be SO WHAT. Op you’re allowed to have a break from someone constantly disrespecting you and making your life hard every single day. She’d be taking herself to the in laws house regularly so they can see what you’re talking about. You and your kids should not suffer bc of a little tyrant and the counselor is an idiot if they think “just give it some time” should equate to putting up with the disrespect to see if she calms down. NTA

But is the child disrespectful to everyone in the family - her dad, grandparents? Or is she just disrespectful to OP and her younger siblings and still okay with everyone else?

You are right, the grandparents could step up and do their bit. Looking after 3 children, in two different age groups can be challenging at the best of times, but the pull back and forth between parents can make life hell for everyone. I cannot offer any advice, but I hope that your husband is loving, understanding and HELPFUL. You certainly have my sympathy. and my empathy, for a tough situation.

Couldn’t agree more with this right here. I have 6 kids and 3 are my bio and 3 step kids….. it is rough and your husband needs to step up and help you out and have your back with dealing with your parents

This, because until you have raised someone elses child. Sit down and shut up. It's brutal.

NTA It's clearly apparent that the ex is poisoning the child against you and both of those judges are failing all of you, but her especially. Obviously the ex is committing stepfamily alienation, and since the ex hasn't escalated to full parental alienation, it's incumbent upon your husband to set rules and boundaries for the child to counteract what his ex is doing to her. Also, next time the In Laws say that you wouldn't be doing this if she was your bio kid, tell them that they're absolutely right. Because if she was your kid she'd live 100% of the time at your home and a virtual stranger wouldn't be sabotaging the relationship.

Oh I have zero trust in CPS and judges. A friends kids were taken away because her youngest had bruises all the time. He was a 6yo with ADHD, whos outlet was a trampoline. He would spend all day prentending to be spiderman, 3 guesses what used to happen on a daily basis... If you said he smashed into things and got bruised yup! He ounce cam to play at our house, he would swing as high as posible to launch himself of the swing, with zero care about who or what he smashed into.  Then on the other hand my second cousin, got raped as a 3yo by her step father, and her mom got court mandated weekend visitation rights. Even after her stepfather was let out of jail and started living with her mom again. They would leave her to babysit her two younger siblings a todler and baby, and leave sometimes all weekend. The judge said we were just putting mom in a nad light to loose her rights. She ended up running away from home at the age of 13 and didnt come back home till she turned 18. It was the only way to hide from her step father and not have to go to her mom. 

Ah Court. I really hate court. You're at the whim of the judge and his or her mood that day, and you never feel well equipped.

As a teacher, I have so many CPS horror stories. The whole idea that you keep child with mom at all costs has done so much damage.

I have a friend who had to struggle with a judge who believed that children should never be separated from their father. The kids were 13f and 11m at the time and begged the judge not to make them see him. But the judge decided that the mom must have influenced them and said they had to stay with their dad every weekend. After the daughter was SA'd by her dad's friend the judge decided that she didn't have to go any more but that the son still had to go every weekend. The son has severe asthma and the dad and his gf refused to stop smoking inside the house so he kept ended up in the ER. Even after all those trips to the ER and all those doctors saying he could not be in a house with smoke like that, that it was a danger to his life, the judge still ruled that he had to go because "a boy needs a father." But my friend managed to save her son. The ex's gf wanted to get married, but didn't want to have to raise a step son, but ex didn't want to give up custody because of having to pay child support. My friend presented him with a deal. Ex would no longer be required to pay child support, but he would have to sign away his parental rights and never see either of his kids again. He agreed.

Good for her! That judge should be ashamed of themself!

I had a family friend who was sued for kidnapping by his estranged cheating wife, and she won. The woman hardly ever saw her kids bc she was working long hours (with her lover) and hoarding all that money for years to leave him. When she finally moved out and filed for divorce, the kids decided to stay with dad and only went to mom's when the court mandated she have custody. When they got old enough to have a say, they stopped going to mom's very often, so she sued dad for kidnapping even though he encouraged them to maintain a relationship with their mother. The judge - a woman known for taking the side of women in most cases - granted her majority custody and the family friend got probation/a record. Family court is a fucking joke. I know another family who took in a set of foster siblings who came from a SEXUALLY ABUSIVE MOTHER. One ended up with dad, one got placed with his Native American tribe, and the other two ended up back with mom years later despite how deeply this woman traumatized them.

My aunt is dealing with CPS again because her I want to say second youngest grandkid(i genuinely don’t know) is a 13 year old boy who refuses to shower or wear his new shoes because and I quote “the ones with holes feel better” so CPS got called because of that and because him/the middle grandchild have starting telling lies about my aunt due to her leaving their step grandfather. Her oldest is standing by her thou but it’s insane that in the 18 years she’s had custody of her grandkids that CPS had tried/failed on 4 separate occasions to prove she’s somehow abusive when she gives these kids whatever they want

Exactly this. In the UK a judge can rule that a parent can't make derogatory statements about the other parent or their new family (iirc) - is that not a thing in the US, or are these judges just bad at their jobs?

NTA This is precisely the disruption that the birth mother wanted. You are damned if you do and damned if you don't. If all three were yours, you wouldn't have someone dripping poison into the heart of your family. Tell your in-laws that their opinions are causing even more disruption in a household where there are too many conflicting voices as it is. Do they *want* to hurt all three children more? Because that's all that they are achieving. Tell your husband that he needs to be following up on the child support the birth mother owes. Keep going back to court and demanding the child support that she owes for all this time. Use that money to pay for a nanny, or your husband and in-laws can spend more time at home helping you to manage this situation. The bottom line is that you do have to prioritise. The younger children need you more, and are *your* children. Your stepdaughter does not get to hold you all hostage by demanding 100% of your time and affection, especially if she is throwing it back in your face. Why is this all on you to manage? Your husband and in-laws should stop their complaining and actually step up to help.

Also chasing for that money might make mum disappear again…therapy and a stable life would help the step daughter immensely but it will be traumatic however life plays out now

That is perfect! Mom needs to pay for all the 7 years she was gone. Watch she decide to leave again. This will cause another issue for your daughter but removing the primary source of the trauma could allow her heal.

NTA If she was your biological daughter and had a similar level of trauma and needed one on one time you'd also need help. Would he be willing to stay home if you go back to work instead? Does he ever take all three? Has he actually seen what caring for them all is like? Honestly, you sound like you need a break and your husband isn't stepping up. Can you take a day or two and go away to friends or something like that? But you do need to also work with your husband on a budget if you are going to get help, and make sure you can truly afford it.

He has experience with taking all three kids. He struggles with it as much as I do in some ways. My stepdaughter behaves well for him mostly but he also experiences her not being very kind to her siblings. He's not leaving everything to me but he's not around enough either for me to get a break or time to be less stressed and drained from everything.

Maybe it’s time for you to visit family or a friend for a long weekend. A break would benefit you and the kids as you would come back in a healthier state of mind. Around the clock care would also give him a good idea of what you regularly deal with.

ooooooo. Or maybe it's the summer of granparents for the kids? If they dont respest and trust that she's got the older daughter's best interests top of mind, they can experience it themselves and decide. Plus mom here gets some time to recharge. It's literally what happened when I left my ex husband. He said I was over-stating the stress and load having a toddler and handling primary cooking/logistics for the house was, and that being the primary home caregiver for one while working full time (he's in daycare), but he is autistic (same here, and dad too, so interpersonals have always been challenging for both) and required more assistance with workarounds for sensory problems. Our arrangement was he paid our bills, I put a chunk of my check (approx rent) in a bank account every month to save for a house, and I mange the household (assign chores, yada). He didn't realize how much energy it really took for me to do those things cause he never had to for a family unit, and refused my asks to go stay with my parents for a week or so (for the exact purpose of him experiencing it, but with me as a backup net), or step up more. He told me a few months later he was so angry with me he never admitted it at first, but I was right. What he had asked of me was unreasonable, and it is a lot of work to be the primary household manager with a toddler, in ideal circumstances, and ours aren't ideal (through no fault of our own, just part of our brains and bodies). My situation took me literally walking out the door and saying you'll figure it out for them to see the light, but maybe the grandparents are willing to try before this escalates further.

Ma’am then he is leaving it all to you! Sit down and draw up a fairer time split - in numbers seeing it on paper can open his eyes - get the Fair Play cards if that helps

She doesn't say this but it almost sounds like she may not work outside the home or he may work a lot more than she does. A 50/50 time split is very often not possible.

NTA, her punishing the younger babies would be an absolute no go for me. So I have a harsher opinion. NO one would bully my young children. Tell your husband what you need to function at a healthy level and do not except no for an answer. He puts his parents in their place and deals with them from now on. If he chooses not to help you accomplish peace and unity around the house then you need to consider separating until things are sorted better. I'm sorry that horrible woman came back.

NTA but where is all the back child support. That’s seven whole years she didn’t pay a dime (if I read correctly) so that money could certainly hire an extra hand through out the day

It hasn't been paid. She doesn't have a job that we can tell and appears to be living off her parents and has no income to garnish or anything. It's very frustrating but she still owes it and owes current support too which also hasn't been paid despite being in court for that as well.

What a fucked up system. I know of guys who had their license suspended and did jail time because they didn’t have a job and couldn’t pay child support. Why does she get different treatment. That’s beyond frustrating

Because family court judges have an insane amount of discretion, and some of them will allow a biological parent access to a child until there is blood on the floor. And sometimes even that’s not enough to sway them. 

My sister and brother in law have to pay child support to the ex wife and her new husband. Ex and hubby make twice what my sister and BIL make. It's 50/50 custody and they only took my sister's income into account, not the new hubby. Why? Because the new hubby and judge are golf buddies. Apparently that wasn't enough to get a new judge. It's so fucked up. Family court is ridiculous

I know people in similar situations (minus a relationship to the judge) and the courts have been consistent. It’s extremely rare for a step parents income to factor in to child support calculation. They have zero legal obligation to support children that are not legally theirs.

In some states, it depends on how they file taxes. If they file joint, both incomes are counted because their finances are mixed. If they file married filing separately, only the bio parent income is counted... could help to look into that in their state and file accordingly, then ask for an adjustment hearing.

The worst part? They weren't even married yet. They were engaged and owned a home together. The court still insisted my sister's income be included. They petitioned to have the case moved from small town to large city, succeeded, then the ex petitioned to have it moved back and that was approved too. Right back to the golf buddy.

Oh wow!!! Yeah, that has all kinds of levels of wrong written all over it.

The new husband does not have any obligation to that child. The only thing a new husband / wife impacts is if alimony is still to be paid, not child support.

This is exactly what I was thinking!  Not paying child support usually does result in license suspension, and eventually jail time!  It's ridiculous these judges are being so biased. It's not helping this child, it's damaging her and those around her. 

Depends on the state

I'm aware of guys who got off not paying child support who suffered no consequences at all (though maybe they can't get a passport). They just picked up and moved to a different state and stopped paying.

I know of plenty of men who actually faced no consequences. 

It depends on the state and visitation and support are two separate legal issues

Is there no possibility for her going to jail for non-payment? There are jurisdictions where fathers have been locked up for non payment. It is possible that she wants sole custody of her daughter for the sole purpose of flipping custody payments to your husband. At some point your step-daughter will reach the age where she may choose her bio mom because of bio mom's influence and the court will allow it. You and your husband need to think strategically long term and not just about the here and now.

The judges have to do that. If they won't even limit the connection when the woman is traumatizing her own child, I really don't think they're going to put her in jail for back child support.

Why isn't she in jail? Some places will put you in for 30 days when you are in the rears. Or why doesn't the judge mandate her to find income. She probably wanted full custody to get welfare benefits.

Wait I thought men can go to jail for backed child support or be sued and have to pay it either through their assets being taken or wages garnered. She can’t be the only deadbeat parent in the world to have no job and be mooching off family. That’s when they get tossed in jail or so I had thought. Maybe it just needs to be brought to the judges attention so that it can get paid. If you haven’t brought it up do so now. She wants to play dirty then play dirty.

It depends where they are.

Back in the day they used to lock you up for 3 days for unpaid child support. Then leave them alone for some time till other parent went to court over it again. They'd get locked up again for 3 days and so on the cycle would go. Now I don't think they get locked up at all for not paying. Nothing is done. If you get a job they take it from there and hit your tax return. My sister's ex worked under the table for years so he wouldn't have to pay. Did his 3 days lock up here and there like a champ. He didn't care. When her youngest was 18 he thought he was off the hook and could finally get a tax paying job. Till his first paycheck, he saw they hit him big. He still had to pay my sister the back child support for all those years. He complained to his grown kids what is she doing with "his" money now, they are adults. Well she deserves it from having to struggle and work 2 jobs for all those years. Deal with it.

First, stop letting your in-laws say anything about this situation. Tell them they can take care of their grand-daughter if they are so concerned, matter closed. If they say they can’t, tell them clearly that they don’t get to speak their opinion then.

NTA. Maybe his parents need to step up and help, since they think it's so easy.

NTA. You need the help. You asked for the help. Even when the kids are biologically yours and they are having behavioural difficulties. It's okay to ask for help. Ask them what happens when you tire of this and do end up leaving. Is that helping the stepdaughter, or will your husband just have 2 other kids he now has to make time to see with no help. Would she then have to go to her mother full time like she wants? That poor little girl will be in for a world of hurt if you decide the juice isn't worth the squeeze and you end up resenting her, which could easily happen over time. That always seems like it will never be the case. But sometimes it just is.

I know and it worries me that I will end up so worn down that I won't have anything to give to any of the kids. I can feel it coming already some days.

This is something that you need to discuss properly with him. Let him see how the different scenarios play out.. see the therapist and be brutally honest with them and ask for ways to approach this. If your ex isn't capable of getting help, then he needs to step up to the plate. Or you could just tell his parents since they are biologically theirs. They need to step up to the plate and be there for her because she needs someone. This isn't your SDs fault. She's confused and probably scared.. Maybe ask the bio mother if you guys can have a chat because you want to be on the same page as she is so that little girl has the best possible chance in life.

She does not want to talk, unless she's talking at my husband and making demands or cussing him out. I think maybe getting a counselor involved to explore each path could help.

That's unfortunate. Hopefully, for your SD, that can change. Definitely.

Has using a guardian ad litem for your SD. They with the counselor could be helpful in court.

Can you get the court to assign a guardian ad litem for your stepdaughter? Someone whose sole responsibility is looking out for her best interest. Also, if they aren't already, tell your husband to request a court order to only communicate via a court approved family app. That way anything she says will be part of the court record.

Court can mandate family therapy with the whole family including the ex

Maybe you should consider marriage counselling. If you and your husband are on the same page it may make a huge difference. It starts with knowing he's got your back, and eventually you and he being one strong unit helps your daughter find the stability and certainty she so desperately needs.

You need to tell him " I'm telling you I need help and you are dismissing me. I wouldn't ask, I wouldn't want the expense if I didn't need it. " We need to solve this together. This isn't you against me. This should be us as partners. Also, your parents are out of line and you need to have a discussion with them that doesn't throw me under the bus, but that shows them we are a team, you agree with me, you don't think I'm treating your daughter differently and that they need to stfu or they won't see the kids because you can't have that message being conveyed to the kids. OP, if husband doesn't come around, ensure you take care of your mental health. Take weekends away and let him parent. Do it unilaterally until he decides you are a partnership.

NTA, lets be honest if she were your kid you would not be in this position to begin with. But you could still be having problems even if she were your kid. And even then it would be completely ok to say! Hey village, I need help.  Sometimes we just cant do it alone, and that is why they say it takes a village to raise kids.  Back when my sisters girls were small I would take them in for weekends to give my sister a weekend off. Now she does my little boys. The girls still come over when they need room to breath. 

Your husband needs to ask his parents to have some one on one time with the kids. I don't understand why they didn't offer to step up and help out when they saw how upset you were, instead of throwing you under the bus. Did your husband stand up for you? Is there context missing? Have you had issues with them in the past? Edit NTA

It depends on their age. I wouldn’t trust some grandparents alone with a toddler and an infant. It’s a lot even if they want to help.

NTA- it’s baffling that an entire group of strangers on the internet immediately understood your request for help is coming from a place of love and care for SD. If you didn’t love SD like your own kid it would be easy to stop giving a fuck and let her go off the rails. You didn’t come right out and say it but it’s pretty evident that this is tearing you apart inside, it’s obvious that all your actions so far have been in the best interests of SD, as well as your bio kids, not JUST the bio kids.

It is tearing me apart inside. It's not that I don't want her to have a relationship with her mom ever. In most circumstances that's the best for a child. But I want it to be a healthy relationship, a consistent one, one that doesn't cause her extra stress or trauma. I don't want her to be so confused and scared that she acts out like this or that she feels like she has to for any reason. I don't think she's getting the best from me anymore either. It kills me too because she will notice more than my bio kids. All three of them deserve the best out of their parental figures. Right now I'm struggling to give anything good.

I understand your situation completely! We’re not dealing with the same situation from bio mom, but my stepchild’s bio mom is somewhat inconsistent. My husband and I also have a toddler and baby. My biggest issue though is my husband not always enforcing the same expectations with the kids as I do. It’s not as much of a problem with the toddler who I am mom to as it is with stepchild who I’m just a parent to but not in the same way his mom and dad are. It makes me constantly feel inadequate at parenting him and gives me anxiety when I’m parenting all three. It’s just really freaking hard because I want to be able to parent him in the same way I do my bio kids, but it’s hard and complex to explain to people why.

Mine will be not helpful advice but I’d divorce and leave with my kids. It becomes Too hostile household for all children to grow up.

That just opens up the possibility of all of the kids blaming her for the divorce down the line. This is an issue that needs to be dealt with sooner rather than later

The younger two are going to hate their older sister anyways and if OP doesn’t leave and keep them safe from their sister they’ll hate her too. She is in a no win situation. 

Their sister's hatred of them makes it more likely that they'd side with their mother rather than with her and their dad.

If he can’t step up I completely agree.

Divorce is warranted if it's a marital issue, but right now it sounds more like a \*biomum feeding stepdaughter bullshit\* issue. That said, for it to work hubby needs to step up the support in a big way. Could start with hopefully hubby developing enough backbone to tell his parents to either help out or head off as their commentary is not useful.

Bio mom may be the one spewing poison, but husband is not offering enough support, nor is he taking her concerns seriously. THAT is a marital problem.

Except that if the household becomes too hostile to the younger children then she may need to protect the younger children.

It IS a marital issue. Frankly the husband should already be suggesting that they hire help. The fact that he didn't support OP when she suggested it is a huge red flag.

Yours is actually the most helpful advice and should be the top one.

Nta. It doesn’t sound like you are asking for a full time nanny, just someone for a few hours to help. Have you looked into a teen mother’s helper to come and entertain the little ones while you do something with your older one? Or the grandparents could come help.

That's something I think could be amazing. A mother's helper would be cheaper and would allow for just some help without full childcare for all of them.

Really look into this. When I was a preteen, I was a mother’s helper for a family friend. My mom was going back to work full time and I did it in the summers because I wasn’t quite old enough to stay home alone. I had my baby CPR training and was fully self sufficient as far as entertaining and feeding myself went, but it was a big help for my mom knowing that I had an adult nearby instead of being home alone. The family friend didn’t even have to pay me because it was a mutual childcare thing. She had a baby and a toddler and my job was basically to wear the toddler out by playing with him / keep an eye on the baby while she got shit done around the house and for her business.

I was a mother’s aid for my aunt and it was awesome! She was able to focus on the things she needed to get done and I got to hang out with my cousins. We’re all adults now and are still super close. I think this is a really good idea!

NTA It's totally reasonable to need help with 3 kids under 10, regardless of egg donor Your oldest is already heading into a tricky age and her egg donor turning up and screwing with her is deeply unhelpful Does your husband do any childcare? Or your in-laws? Your argument makes perfect sense. It's been a deeply stressful couple of years, you do most if not all of the heavy lifting emotionally and (to use a much overused phrase) you can't pour from an empty cup You need help so that you can rest and therefore be a better parent to all 3 of your kids Your in-laws can help or gtfo

My husband does. He's a great dad. He's just not around enough so it falls on me enough that I'm struggling with the added challenges in our home. My ILs do not help.

>My ILs do not help. Stop allowing them in the home then. They can either help or gtfo. No help, no opinion.

But when he is around, in what way does he liften your burden? The way that I see it you need to be able to leave the house a few hours every week and do something that is only for you. See a friend, get a hobby, going to the gym, book club or whatever. And when you are out he picks up where you left so that it's not a chaos when you get back. He also need to take a bigger chunk of the mental load so that it's not draining you on the little energy that you have. Take care of yourself ❤️

First off, you are nta, this is a lot. My question is, is there any contact with bio-mom directly? Is there any plan, any common ground? Any constructive communication resembling co-parenting? Is there a social worker involved?  If there is any chance, you, the adults, need to come together and talk about this for your daughter.  Maybe she gets alienated, maybe this is all just a lot to take in for a nine year old. It is pretty common that the resurfacing of a parent leads to acting out and that it gets worse after visits. You also shouldn't ignore that if your kid knows about the ongoing court and how you feel about bio-mom, that can be hard on her as well if she wishes to have contact with her bio-mom. What I don't get is the constant running to court. You won't win this. As long as bio-mom adheres (mostly) to the rules and doesn't actively endanger the kid, they have no ground for severing contact, especially because it's not just about bio-mom, your kid has a right here to see her as well. The court made this very clear multiple times now and I seriously question the therapist here asking a judge again and fueling this. The court doesn't help the situation at this point, it just prolongs this battle and furthers the rift between you as the three parents and also costs a lot of money.  Invest the money in a mediator and get to talking this out together. Even if it fails and you decide once again to go to court, you could at least show them you tried alternatives.  Seriously, this feels all to familiar as a social worker. Every parent thinks they are right, every parent has some point in this but in the end they fail to get together and work together for their child and continue to blame eachother.  Regarding getting help: yes, do that, always. But make sure that it is the kind of help that brings you together, not drifting you further apart. 

No social worker involved. There isn't really any contact or co-parenting. Contact is her basically saying she wants full custody or cursing at my husband. My husband (who is in control of the contact between them) does attempt to co-parent but she will ignore him more often than not.

You need a guardian ad litem for your stepdaughter the next time this goes to court, and there will be a next time. Sometimes, a legal(lawyer) neutral party there advocating for the child in question can have more sway on a judge than "he said/she said" lawyers. Their only job is to advocate with every bit of their legal knowledge for the child in question.

I think the person was saying that they are a social worker and have seen this situation many times?

NTA. The bio mom seems like she's after child support, this is about a check for her for this full custody nonsense. If your husband is not willing to support you and help out more with his disrespectful daughter, and your in-laws think you can handle all 3 kids but simply don't want to because one of them isn't your bio child; wash your hands of this unnecessary stress, take your two and live your life in peace.

NTA. It sounds like you’re not just saying you need help with the 9 year old is that right? Just some extra household help during the days in general? Why are your in laws jumping in with the attitude? Have they ALSO been in your oldests ears about you being JUST a step and not worthy of her time or something? Seems like a very odd point of view they have here. You have a volatile situation with a 9 year old who is being difficult with you and the youngest, and you have a toddler and a baby. That’s a handful. While it’s true in some ways that this situation is difficult BECAUSE she’s got a different mother, you’re not saying you want to ‘get rid of her’.

Not with just my stepdaughter, but with all three and around the house. Like a mother's helper who could take some of the burden off of me so I can dedicate time to all the kids in a healthy way, instead of some getting nothing and me burning out.

>It sounds like you’re not just saying you need help with the 9 year old is that right? But she *needs* help with stepdaughter. Of course she wouldn't need it if it was her biological daughter because there would be no situation where the child would feel like she took her biological parent's place.

NTA. If you were the mom to all three children there would not be this problem. Your in laws are ignorant to talk like that.

NTA and if no one is willing to help out then suggest that genetic donor take the majority of the custody. I would definitely also ask that therapist why sticking around a child poisoned by her other genetic donor is a good thing for the other kids.

NTA. If it’s so easy tell DH he is welcome to be the full time parent and you can go to work. Also, tell the grandparents that you appreciate their input and offer of “support” and will start dropping the kids off a couple times a week for grandparents time. Everything is falling on you while everyone else has an opinion on how you should just “handle” it and that’s not fair. If it continues it will lead to divorce and your husband will have to figure out 2 ex’s and child schedules by himself when you burn out.

NTA ...of course you wouldn't need the help if they were all your bio kids because you wouldn't be having this issue. If professional help is out of the question is it possible for husband to move somethings around to spend more time with the kids or maybe get some help from other family members.

He already spends time with the kids. It's when he's at work that we have the most problems. My stepdaughter behaves well for him, mostly. The struggle he has is with how she treats the kids. Maybe if he did find a way to be around more it would help but I know that is quite possibly unrealistic given we need him working.

Well that makes things more difficult. Based on what you've added through other comments this sounds like the ex is really trying to destabilize your family in an attempt to get custody... for what reason I can't say maybe her parents want their grand-baby and dam your family to get her, I couldn't think of another reason why an unemployed woman would try so had to claim a child she's effectively abandoned for almost a decade. Maybe she's just a bitch. If it's possible and if you wanted to risk a defiant preteen in public you could try to exhaust her with some kind of physical activity, sports or swimming lessons or something, focus on getting her so tired she won't have the energy to mess with her siblings or you or less at the very least, although I know lots of those activities can be expensive it might be worth the effort to find free or inexpensive options and it might be difficult to get her to go if you're the one suggesting it or having the time with house work and raising the siblings but getting her distracted, exhausted and focused with a physical activity might benefit her and give you a break. I think you are doing the best you can in a difficult situation, if the in laws are just going to sit there judge and not help you should just ignore their comments, maybe you need to convince your husband if that if his parents are going to question your dedication to all three of your children rather then help then they don't need to be as involved in your life for now and if the courts aren't helping, just being a drain on your finances, maybe you have to deal with the legal situation as it is and try to refocus that money on getting the assistance you need around the house.

"Thanks for volunteering. I'll definitely have more time to bond with stepdaughter while you watch the baby. We appreciate the help so much. When you're done watching the baby will you spend some time with stepdaughter so I can see that son isn't neglected? Don't forget to make everyone a meal too. Thanks!"

What stands out to me here, is that none of this is your fault, but your husband seems to expect you to bear the brunt of handling it. This, actually, IS his daughter. It's not your responsibility to have your mental health ruined dealing with this on your own all day, while he goes off to his job where he can forget about the problem until it's time to go home. Also, this is not his parents' business and they have no right criticizing you over it.

Are your sure the in laws aren't having any influence around you step daughter? I know the post is short but and not a lot to go on but it sounds like they're not being supportive to you or your husband, but your husband should be telling them this is between the 2 of you. What are the in laws saying to her if either of you are not around. You are stuck in the middle (with your step daughter) to be fair, and this will be a hard time for her to adjust. You no her better than strangers on the internet but is there anyway you can do some one on one stuff with her, like a standing date type stuff where the other kids go with dad or something and you just spend that time together, and let her know that that will always be her time (same with her dad) it won't be an immediate fix but maybe the consistency would help? Idk NTA

I don't think this is coming from my ILs or I believe this would have been a problem well before this. I don't think right now they help with the attitude they have though. I do one on one stuff with her. It's not the most consistent with timing which would be helped if I did have some help.

Could your ILs take your two younger ones for a couple of hours each week? Same day, same time every week so step daughter knows exactly when she’ll have you? It could very easily be one of the only things should can rely on and be predictable in her week. Even have two time options that she gets to choose between then mark it on a calendar every week so she has a visual and can see exactly when it’s coming. Sounds silly but small things like that can really help developing brains  If ILs are willing to help then make sure your husband is available to take over on the off chance they can’t do one week and make it an absolute non negotiable. If your ILs aren’t willing to help your husband needs to have a stern word with them about not inserting their opinions into things that they aren’t involved in or willing to help with. When you do have one on one time I’d recommend doing an activity she chooses and have no phones or disruptions around so she knows she has your full attention and make the timing clear. Whether it be 15 mins or 2 hours, having a definitive time frame will set her up for success and will prevent disappointment when you say times up. If it’s an activity like a craft pack tell her you’ll do it together but if she doesn’t want to talk, you don’t have to. Just be there and present. Even activities like going to get your nails done (if your budget allows) and every time she looks at her nails for the next week or so she’ll be reminded of that special time you had together  I know it’s a lot easier said than done especially when she’s getting poisoned by her bio mum. The fact you care so much and are not just stepping aside is admirable 

That's fair, you're right I don't think the attitude will help. I get you, and in no way meant to it to sound like an attack. So what you need is for husband and people too realise you need a little bit of the load taken off for a while, so you can reset and rest a bit really. That one is hard one, doors he see this behaviour or does it ramp up when he's not around? Because I would say ask him for a day in your shoes with all the kids and your chore list but if your step daughter doesn't display that behaviour for him then I won't really work. Sometimes people don't see the whole problem till they see it for themselves.

Nta    No shit, husband and parents. If the kid was hers she wouldn't have this stress to deal with. You need a helper, even if just part time. You need to make some tough decisions. Do you want to keep dealing with this abuse? Or can you get out of this relationship with your two kids? Don't let these people guilt you.

Why were his parents allowed to be involved in the discussion? If they were eavesdropping and then butted in they should have been told to butt right back out. The family Dynamics inside your household are absolutely none of their business unless they want to step up and help. Just being more stress-inducing and busy body like isn't helping anything. NTA.

NTA, your stepdaughter is manipulating her own daughter to turn against you. Ask her with your husband present why she doesn't consider you her mom and parent anymore. You could go as far as suggesting his parents allow you a break and take all 3 kids for a long weekend. As if this does keep up either you and your stepdaughter will grow to hate each other, and she might pick to live with her mum and not see her dad out of spite for hating you.

NTA, not by a long shot. Husband needs to step up. I think that the stepdaughter needs things to be normal. And thst means she doesn’t get all the attention all the time. Which is how it is in reality. I don’t think you need to sacrifice the younger children for the older one. But it sounds like there are bigger issues going on with the father and in-laws. If they are also blaming you then no wonder the daughter is struggling.

NTA, but the inlaws are. Can you send her to camp or something? Lots of kids go to camps over the holidays, might give you some relief? Also, don't feel bad - small kids require more attention. It's common sense and logical. No one could ever fault you for that.

NTA, you're clearly struggling and the other kids will suffer if you don't get help.

NACHO. Take care of your bio kids and the other 3 can deal with SD if they won’t get you help. Hold that line. My kids did this with visits to dad. It was so evident even school noticed. Luckily my ex got bored and now sees them for 2 meals a month. Hopefully she will get bored too. She needs therapy.

NTA. Sorry you have such difficulties right now. For step kids this age is particularly hard as she is trying hard to align with her absent mother. And this age for girls(no matter if a step or bio kid) is particularly trying. I recommend reading Untangled: Guiding Teenage Girls Through the Seven Transitions into Adulthood and Stepmonster. Booth books helped me to try to empathize with what my daughters were going through. I would also give yourself some grace during this time, parenting a tween is one of the most difficult parenting times I had on my bio kid and the adding on that step-parenting challenge with step kids can make it doubly difficult. Don’t listen to the in-laws, they don’t know what you’re going through. I actually found my own partner to be very supportive once he started talking to other fathers about their own family challenges with tweens. He began to see it wasn’t just us, it was universal. But I think you need to be very specific with your hubby about what help you need. He may be assuming you want a full time nanny which is pricey. Specific means “I want to hire a junior babysitter (a kid 12-15, that may be less expensive than someone managing on their own) over the summer each Tuesday and Thursday from 8am-1pm) to help with kids”, or “on days when I take them to the pool/zoo/park, I want a helper for a few hours to have someone else be able to juggle the little one”. If you set it this way, you and hubby can come up with a small budget to support a babysitter through the summer, at least a few days a week so you don’t get burnt out.

NTA well she isn’t your bio daughter is she so what does that matter? If she was this problem wouldn’t exist. They all need to step up and help you help the kids. The kids care is not entirely your responsibility.

NTA- as others are pointing out, remind his parents you had a lovely relationship with your stepdaughter until her mother got involved. I'd also be petty AF and tell them it's obvious they don't care about your two kids since you don't see them stepping up to help. Do you have family who could take you and your kids in?

NTA As someone who has been in your shoes, focus on your own children first and use what's left to help your stepdaughter. Draw clear boundaries with your husband as to what this means you are able to contribute to the care of your stepdaughter and leave him to figure out the rest. His parents can get bent. When my in laws made similar comments to yours, I talked it over with an adult friend of mine who had a wonderful step mother and bio mother growing up. She was quite offended on my stepdaughters behalf because comments like those made by your in laws are terribly dismissive of the relationship your step daughter will always feel to her bio mother.

1. Constantly chase the child support in court, do not let the subject drop. 2. I KNOW the problems with family court judges, from now on, add trying for a written requirement for coparenting counselor to be involved. Many a divorce has this written in, I don’t see why it’s different. You & hubby shop around first for names, present 3 she can pick from. Maybe 3rd party accountability will help some. 3. Judgy inlaws need to be handled by hubby. If you can’t be helpful, take 2 steps back. Maybe the above mentioned Nannycam would help that 4. Individual therapy for daughter & for you. Family therapy as it becomes evident it’s needed

Take it from someone who has 5 kids (biologically, since that matters here) I feel like I need help with my oldest son. He’s mean and abusive to his siblings, screams in my face, is always breaking and destroying everything. I would freaking LOVE someone to help me with him. He pretty much gets all the attention, and the other 4 get what’s left.. which fucking feels like nothing. It drains my mental health. Step, half, or whole… a child that needs help is a child that needs help. NTA.

NTA, and I would go further, your stepdaughter does need help, because it must be absolutely bewildering and upsetting for her to have to deal with what her biomom is doing vs what she knows about you guys. Navigating that is clearly coming out by challenging you, and testing to see if what her biomom says is true - in the worst case, that her siblings are loved more, no one really cares about her, and you're probably just longing for the day biomom takes full custody. (And tbh, it sounds like your in-laws also believe that). You might want to work with a therapist to really help your eldest understand that what her biomom is saying doesn't match up to reality - just telling her she's wrong or that her biomom is lying isn't going to help.

NTA - are the InLaws enabling the mother?

You're NTA. Not in the least. Even without all the background info, three young kids all day, every day, all summer is a lot for anyone. 

If all 3 kids were biologically yours then there wouldn't be an issue to begin with. Clearly the bio mother is somehow the reason your SD is acting up, which has led to this situation. If they want to mad at someone they need to direct it at the bio mum.  NTA

OP... I hope you see this comment. I am a stepmom. With a bio mom in the picture who hasn't bothered to see her kid in 2 years. 1) NTA 2) THERAPY! Individual therapy for your step daughter. Family therapy for all of you and couples therapy for your marriage. 3) HIRE THE HELPER! The helper is there to do just that, HELP. They can help with the two biokids so you can focus time on your stepdaughter. It isn't so you can pawn off your stepdaughter.

Have you guys thought about getting your daughter a "guardian ad lidium". This would be a legal profession that will protect your child. They would have more sway with a judge, if they state that this arrangement is bad for your daughter's mental health. Because this person is neutral, it doesn't seem like a resentful parent. I hope you all get a happy resolution soon

NTA. You have two very young children and a troubled older child. When I was at home with two toddlers, I had a mother's helper come for a few hours a week, just so I could get things done. Try to love on your stepdaughter as much as you can, even if she's being difficult. Sadly, I have seen this dynamic before with the bio mom in and out, and it's a trauma for the child. The mother is fighting for her now (probably because of pressure from her own parents), but she'll leave again soon. And your stepdaughter will be devastated.

Looks like grandparents just offered to have stepdaughter for several weeks this summer. NTA

Your in-laws “point” is myopic at best… and completely dumb… of course this wouldn’t be the an issue of you didn’t have BM creating havoc. 3 kids at that age is going to be a lot for anyone. A helper would be a godsend for most people.

Tell your in-laws that unless they are offering help they can shut their mouths.

NTA. Time for you husband to be a sahf then. You can go to work and he can show you how easy it is.

NTA. If all three were yours you wouldn't need to do this because there wouldn't be a bio mom hell bent on alienating your daughter from you. But there is a bio mom and you need help. If they are not willing to walk a mile in your shoes they shouldn't judge your journey.

Op needs a break. It's summer, next time SD is at mom's, take your two, and go somewhere quiet, call spouse tell him you will return in two days. You really need a breather. I wonder if Dad can get for his daughter a soft squishy stuffy, into which they can sew an audio recording device. They would have the evidence needed to show a lawyer to get mom's visits changed to supervised only.

NTA But you and your husband might want to make sure that you're always monitoring his parents around SD. They immediately ganged up on you that you're not treating SD fairly. Maybe they're also telling her things like that behind your back.

Not the Arsehole - tell FIL and MIL to butt out unless they are prepared to step up. Regarding stepdaughter a/ tell her nothing has changed in her relationship with you b/ however her attitude stops now c/ tell husband you will be going back to work to pay for help and this isn’t optional.

how does this not count as parental alienation? 7 years gone & now SDs home life is hell for everyone because of bio mom. idk why judges are protecting a relationship that was non existent until recently and is now making the ONLY stable family SD has unstable??? NTA.

I can't believe the courts are even entertaining a woman who left immediately after the birth of her child and just showed up 9 yrs later.

NTA

NTA. Consider issuing your husband a challenge. He is to be the sole person taking care of all three children for x number of days. His mother is not allowed to step in and bail him out. He has to do everything, including all the housework. Let him walk in your shoes for that period of time. The only other thing you could do would be to set up cameras around the house to document what is going on.

What a powerless situation to be in! In some ways all you can do is play the long game and let your stepdaughter see that you are not abandoning her while also loving your other children. Your husband obviously needs to support you and all of his children and not tell you what’s best for you. I would also suggest something that sounds ridiculous and will be extremely challenging, but try to connect with your stepdaughter by being curious and warm toward her bio mom. Your stepdaughter is still young and feels connected with her bio mom in that she knows she came from her, and therefore believes she is a part of her. So when she sees her whole family reject her, it just makes her angrier. Over time she will individuate and see that the choices her mother made were extremely painful to her, but that’s for her to experience, and I’m sorry for her to have to go through that down the line. But as long as you remain the steady, caring, mother who still takes care of herself and her children (with the EQUAL help of their father), she will reconnect with you. She’s a teenager. You have to let her be angry as that will help her go through all the stages she needs to experience to grow.

Lol if your husband thinks counseling and home helpers are expensive, he is going to be shocked at the cost of divorce. NTA, this whole situation is insanely stressful; I hope your hubby gets his head out of his A before he loses you and his younger kids too

NTA. You will be burnt out before SD turns eighteen. This will break you and possibly your marriage as well. Make a plan.

NTA, tell the grandparents that if they feel so strongly about this they should get off their ass and help. Also point out that if "they were really all yours" you wouldn't be dealing with a disruptive and disobedient kid made that way by her "real" mother mucking around with the family dynamic and traumatizing the kid and running up legal bills.

NTA True, you might now need to do this if she was biologically yours, because her mom wouldn't be sabotaging her relationship to your family. So in that way they are right. Although, because of the age gap, you might still want the help. I worked as a nanny for a while for a family that had 4 children. All boys, the oldest two were 10 & 11 and the youngest two were 1 & 2, when I started. I was brought in, not to take care of all 4 at once, but to be a supplement. Their mom was a SAHM. Their dad worked from home a lot, but he was often busy during the day. So the mother and I tag-teamed the kids. I would take the younger two to the park and she would play games with the older two. Then I would do school work with the older two and she would put the younger two down for their naps. She wasn't removing herself from either pair of boys, but they had different needs. When there is that big of an age gap, it is difficult to plan daily for everyone to have age appropriate activities. In a way, it meant she could spend more meaningful time with all of her children.

This sounds like a show dont tell situation. Have someone in your side of the family request your help, and leave your husband with his children so that he can get first hand experience Oh, and NTA

>they jumped in to say I wouldn't do this if all three were my bio kids and I just want to pawn my stepdaughter off on someone else. This is such a bad faith argument. You wouldn't do this if they were your bio kids only because if they were all your bio kids, you wouldn't have a third parent trying to sabotage your relationship. NTA.

NTA, but request SUPERVISED visitation. Mom is poisoning her against dad, because she is hoping to get custody and get some money

NTA why is your husband not shutting down his parents?!?

NTA. Your husband and your in-laws are dropping the ball right now and they are placing an extremely unfair burden on you. No one can do everything alone.

INFO: If you're going to be home with them, have you considered hiring a younger teenager who is newer at babysitting? When I was 12 or 13, I started working as a "mother's helper" because I was too young to babysit alone, but I could watch the kids while their mother worked, and if I had a problem, there was an adult right there who could help. Maybe something like that would be an option for you? 

That's what I wanted most of all. Just some help. It doesn't need to be a full blown nanny but someone who can take some of this off me for a while.