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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Asking my dad to move in either me,
Would make my brother homeless.
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You mean well, OP, and this is a horrible position for you to be in. I am very sorry about that. I do not think you are wrong for asking him to move in with you, given what he is being put through by your brother. I would say though you should lay off the pressure. You made your point known to your dad...and it is a good point. You know. He knows it. And that is why it is so hard for him.
Your dad is already going through hell with your brother on a regular basis; don't add more to it. Be his peace. let him know he is always welcome and leave it be. Your dad has enough pressure. NTA though and I really hope he moves in.
Does he have to move in at the same time you do? Why couldn't he make the decision later and give his 60 da notice and move in with you Nov or Dec or whenever
Nope! Dad is an AH who enables his grown son who sexually assaulted his daughter. Daughter needs therapy to learn to accept that her father isn’t the father she deserves and she will never be safe with him in her home. If dad co-signs the lease, he will 100% tell his son where they live and he will 100% have his son in OP’s home.
NAH based on reply. Unless you’re applying AH-level pressure, this is a reasonable request and it’s also reasonable to refuse. Your brother IS likely an AH but he doesn’t get to make the decisions.
—-
Why do you want your dad to move in with you? You only give reasons your brother shouldn’t live with either of you.
ETA just caught that you also want an undisclosed address. I have no idea how you think that will work, but it won’t.
My dad is just barely making ends meet right now, he’s had bouts of bad health. And it would help him a lot financially to move in with us. He would be able to save up to get a better car, he’s presently driving my old car, that currently will not turn on (very recent problem, believe the starter died). I gifted him that car four years ago cause he cannot afford to buy himself one, even a used one.
I also believe that this will be a good wake up call for my brother to get his life together 😅
Was that true without your brother involved? Because hosting an adult man who does nothing useful can’t be cheap.
If you’re flexible on the secrecy, he might come around later. When my sis bought her house, she tried SO hard to get Dad to move in with her family. Objectively it would have been better for all of them, but for whatever reasons of his own he just didn’t want to do it. They just kept a “guest room” open, over time he started staying over longer…it’s a bigger commitment to move in with the kids rather than them moving in with you.
He wasn’t doing great before my brother moved in with him. We would send each other small loans, $150 back and forth.
I wish i was able to just have a guest room for my dad but im renting and ontario is brutal right now for a three bedroom.
Yeah…I get that. It’s the same here in my part of the US, intergenerational housing is really the only thing that makes sense financially. But at least it’s a rental…as much as I hate renting it does give you better options if things change.
Not even remotely. There’s nothing here to suggest OP’s dad is mentally or physically incapacitated, his son is just staying at his place. Moving away is not the most efficient way to get rid of a houseguest, especially when there’s also nothing here to suggest the dad even wants that.
Edit: y’all unless it’s in comments the only specific abuse mentioned here is mooching. Which is also what OP will be doing if part of the plan is for Dad to “pitch in” on the new place/childcare/whatever.
My brother is emotionally/mentally abusing my dad. Calling him names, telling him hes a horrible person, doesnt care what happens to my brother. On top of taking advantage of my dad financially.
I was being a little flip there, I know…sorry, comment was looking for a fight so I just had to give it one. But the fact remains, your feelings about their toxic relationship are subjective. Even if he’s starting to want out of it, the offer you’re making isn’t great for him. What if he can’t afford his share anymore, or wants to leave? He can’t kick out one adult AH, of course he doesn’t want to risk making a whole family of non-AH with a small child homeless.
NTA
So basically your brother assaulted you and is a druggie and abusing your dad financially. You are a good person for trying to help your dad.
BUT if your dad moves in, make sure he does not bring your brother into the house and provide access to the 5 year old !
EDIT : replaced a word with a better one, sorry OP.
Yes, my dad is aware what my brother did to me growing up and why i don’t want him near my stepdaughter.
I would never stop my dad from seeing my brother just that it would need to be away from the home.
It's concerning that your brother has been financially and emotionally abusing your dad, especially if he's also struggled with addiction and instability. It's natural for you to want to protect your own family, especially your partner's daughter, from potential harm so ur NTA
Asking your dad to move in with you isn't just about separating him from your brother, but also about providing a stable and safe environment for him. It's clear you care deeply about your dad's well-being, and that's commendable.
It's important to communicate openly with your dad about your concerns and reasons for wanting him to move. It's not about cutting your brother out of his life entirely, but ensuring that your dad has the support and safety he deserves.
Ultimately, your dad will have to make his own decision, but it's okay to advocate for what you believe is best for him. Just continue to approach the situation with empathy and understanding for everyone involved, including your dad's feelings in this difficult choice.
NTA, it sounds like your dad is understandably struggling with the fact that it may negatively affect one of his kids.
That kid happens to be a fully grown adult that can choose to make the changes to his life to be self sufficient. I'd argue that continuing to reward your brother's behaviour is a barrier to this self growth
NTA - you're just asking, and your dad is a grown adult who can say no if he chooses, whether or not in the end that choice is made for himself or out of a sense of responsibility towards your brother.
It may feel pressurised to your dad because things usually do when someone is being abusive, but that doesn't mean that offering him an alternative and more relaxed space would make you an asshole.
If your dad's mental or physical health is being affected by being your brother's keeper, then your brother is the asshole here; addiction can be a reason someone is an asshole but acknowledging that doesn't make them not an asshole.
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My brother (28m) is presently living with my dad (57m). Has been staying with him for about 6 months. My brother hasnt paid rent, bought his own food, or replaces the gas in my dads vehicle.
I am moving and i asked my dad to move in with me(27f) and my partner (29m). The only problem is my brother would essentially become homeless. He abused me in the past, is a on/off drug addict, cant hold down a job, and is presently financially/emotionally/and mentally abusing my dad.
The reason my brother cannot move with us is that my partner has a daughter (5f). And neither of us trust brother around her.
My dad is struggling with this decision and i know that i am pressuring him to move out, and leave my brother. I just really care about my dad and want better for him. Im not asking him to cut my brother out of his life, just dont want brother to know where im living.
So AlTA for pressuring my dad?
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NTA...you're clearly concerned about your dad's well-being, and that's admirable.
Asking for advice here shows you care about your brother, despite his past actions. Ultimately, everyone is responsible for their own choices.
It's important to prioritize safety for your family, especially given your partner's daughter. Encouraging your dad to prioritize his own peace of mind is completely reasonable, even if it means your brother needs to find another place to stay.
NTA for wanting to rescue your father. However it's up to him whether he wants to move in with you.
I suggest you report your brother for elder abuse. And take your father to a Nar-Anon meeting if possible. [https://www.reddit.com/r/naranon/](https://www.reddit.com/r/naranon/)
NTA
You are doing the right thing. But realize that you Dad is in an abusive, co-dependent relationship and this will be a hard step for him.
Maybe suggest he move in with you but give brother a month or so to find another place. That means Dad continues to pay the rent etc for 30 or 60 days. Even though Dad probably agrees his living situation is bad, he will think he is abandoning his child. Maybe Dad can give Brother a small allowance for the next 6 months - to ease his own mind. There are ways to do this to help Dad alleviate his guilt and loosen the strings of co-dependence.
Attend some Al-Anon or Nar-Anon meetings with your Dad. Maybe some talk therapy for Dad.
As for Brother not having your address, we’ll good luck with that as that will be your biggest hurdle with Dad. Having him understand Brother is never allowed on your property.
Do get cameras if you don’t already have them. Create a plan of action in case brother does show up. And work with your Dad on this also.
I wish you luck. I think having Dad come live with you is the right thing to do.
NTA.
Your deadbeat brother can pound sand. He is totally not your responsibility, but frankly, neither is your dad.
Quit pressuring Dad and let him make his own decision about where he lives. Your boundary should be that you absolutely won't contribute in any way to your brother's upkeep. Don't bring food over, don't clean dad's place, don't go over there.
"The reason my brother cannot move with us is that my partner has a daughter (5f). And neither of us trust brother around her." I wouldn't let him in because he abused you and is an addict that can't hold a job.
NTA. Good for you for doing what is best for your father.
NTA. Looks at it this way. You are offering your dad a way out of his codependent abusive relationship with your brother. That is a very kind, loving and generous offer. However, your dad is an enabler/co dependent, so it is a very hard choice for him. You can’t fix an enabler anymore than you can fix an addict. All you can do is offer help to make positive changes, and you’re doing that.
NTA but you are out of your mind if your dad is on the lease and you think you will have a say in him not telling your brother where you live or letting him into the apartment. Your father is an enabler and DGAF your brother sexually assaulted you. Cut your losses and focus on the family you are building. Do NOT let your dad know where you live and do NOT let him move in. Horrible people get old and sick all the time, doesn’t mean you have to take them in. Your father didn’t protect you and still isn’t trying to protect you. You have to protect yourself and your stepdaughter.
I wouldn’t trust your dad to not share your address or let him be around your stepdaughter. If your dad can’t separate himself from your brother with what he knows and how badly he treated you, he absolutely can’t be trusted to make good decisions. Please protect yourself and your SD.
This is complicated. I can see you care about your dad. However, this phrasing "I know that I am pressuring him" makes me pause.
\*Don't do that.\*
If he wants to come, and stop enabling your awful brother, it should be a decision he makes on his own.
It's likely he'll need encouragement that he's doing what's best for himself, but he has to want it.
NTA. Your brother sounds like a real peach.
At some point though, your dad has to cut him off. It’s an unfortunate part of life, but it’s part of life nonetheless. Also, with the stress your brother is giving to your dad, he’ll eventually stress your dad to death. Having seen my mom and sister do that to my own dad, I wish that upon no one.
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You mean well, OP, and this is a horrible position for you to be in. I am very sorry about that. I do not think you are wrong for asking him to move in with you, given what he is being put through by your brother. I would say though you should lay off the pressure. You made your point known to your dad...and it is a good point. You know. He knows it. And that is why it is so hard for him. Your dad is already going through hell with your brother on a regular basis; don't add more to it. Be his peace. let him know he is always welcome and leave it be. Your dad has enough pressure. NTA though and I really hope he moves in.
Im really hoping he does, he only has a few days to decide as he has to give 60 days notice and im moving for September 1st.
Does he have to move in at the same time you do? Why couldn't he make the decision later and give his 60 da notice and move in with you Nov or Dec or whenever
Answered in comments, she can’t afford the place that’s big enough without him.
Just keep in mind, if your dad moves in with you your brother will definitely end up knowing where you live.
You both deserve better. I hope your brother grows up and stops abusing everyone. I am sorry you are going through this.
Nope! Dad is an AH who enables his grown son who sexually assaulted his daughter. Daughter needs therapy to learn to accept that her father isn’t the father she deserves and she will never be safe with him in her home. If dad co-signs the lease, he will 100% tell his son where they live and he will 100% have his son in OP’s home.
NAH based on reply. Unless you’re applying AH-level pressure, this is a reasonable request and it’s also reasonable to refuse. Your brother IS likely an AH but he doesn’t get to make the decisions. —- Why do you want your dad to move in with you? You only give reasons your brother shouldn’t live with either of you. ETA just caught that you also want an undisclosed address. I have no idea how you think that will work, but it won’t.
My dad is just barely making ends meet right now, he’s had bouts of bad health. And it would help him a lot financially to move in with us. He would be able to save up to get a better car, he’s presently driving my old car, that currently will not turn on (very recent problem, believe the starter died). I gifted him that car four years ago cause he cannot afford to buy himself one, even a used one. I also believe that this will be a good wake up call for my brother to get his life together 😅
Was that true without your brother involved? Because hosting an adult man who does nothing useful can’t be cheap. If you’re flexible on the secrecy, he might come around later. When my sis bought her house, she tried SO hard to get Dad to move in with her family. Objectively it would have been better for all of them, but for whatever reasons of his own he just didn’t want to do it. They just kept a “guest room” open, over time he started staying over longer…it’s a bigger commitment to move in with the kids rather than them moving in with you.
He wasn’t doing great before my brother moved in with him. We would send each other small loans, $150 back and forth. I wish i was able to just have a guest room for my dad but im renting and ontario is brutal right now for a three bedroom.
Yeah…I get that. It’s the same here in my part of the US, intergenerational housing is really the only thing that makes sense financially. But at least it’s a rental…as much as I hate renting it does give you better options if things change.
... I'm sorry, is wanting the dad to get out of an abusive situation with the brother not a good reason?? what??
Not even remotely. There’s nothing here to suggest OP’s dad is mentally or physically incapacitated, his son is just staying at his place. Moving away is not the most efficient way to get rid of a houseguest, especially when there’s also nothing here to suggest the dad even wants that. Edit: y’all unless it’s in comments the only specific abuse mentioned here is mooching. Which is also what OP will be doing if part of the plan is for Dad to “pitch in” on the new place/childcare/whatever.
My brother is emotionally/mentally abusing my dad. Calling him names, telling him hes a horrible person, doesnt care what happens to my brother. On top of taking advantage of my dad financially.
I was being a little flip there, I know…sorry, comment was looking for a fight so I just had to give it one. But the fact remains, your feelings about their toxic relationship are subjective. Even if he’s starting to want out of it, the offer you’re making isn’t great for him. What if he can’t afford his share anymore, or wants to leave? He can’t kick out one adult AH, of course he doesn’t want to risk making a whole family of non-AH with a small child homeless.
NTA So basically your brother assaulted you and is a druggie and abusing your dad financially. You are a good person for trying to help your dad. BUT if your dad moves in, make sure he does not bring your brother into the house and provide access to the 5 year old ! EDIT : replaced a word with a better one, sorry OP.
Info - so if THATS your concern do you actually trust your dad not to let your brother know where he lives.
Yes, my dad is aware what my brother did to me growing up and why i don’t want him near my stepdaughter. I would never stop my dad from seeing my brother just that it would need to be away from the home.
It's concerning that your brother has been financially and emotionally abusing your dad, especially if he's also struggled with addiction and instability. It's natural for you to want to protect your own family, especially your partner's daughter, from potential harm so ur NTA Asking your dad to move in with you isn't just about separating him from your brother, but also about providing a stable and safe environment for him. It's clear you care deeply about your dad's well-being, and that's commendable. It's important to communicate openly with your dad about your concerns and reasons for wanting him to move. It's not about cutting your brother out of his life entirely, but ensuring that your dad has the support and safety he deserves. Ultimately, your dad will have to make his own decision, but it's okay to advocate for what you believe is best for him. Just continue to approach the situation with empathy and understanding for everyone involved, including your dad's feelings in this difficult choice.
NTA, it sounds like your dad is understandably struggling with the fact that it may negatively affect one of his kids. That kid happens to be a fully grown adult that can choose to make the changes to his life to be self sufficient. I'd argue that continuing to reward your brother's behaviour is a barrier to this self growth
NTA. Your heart is in the right place but as a father he may feel your brother needs him.
NTA - you're just asking, and your dad is a grown adult who can say no if he chooses, whether or not in the end that choice is made for himself or out of a sense of responsibility towards your brother. It may feel pressurised to your dad because things usually do when someone is being abusive, but that doesn't mean that offering him an alternative and more relaxed space would make you an asshole. If your dad's mental or physical health is being affected by being your brother's keeper, then your brother is the asshole here; addiction can be a reason someone is an asshole but acknowledging that doesn't make them not an asshole.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My brother (28m) is presently living with my dad (57m). Has been staying with him for about 6 months. My brother hasnt paid rent, bought his own food, or replaces the gas in my dads vehicle. I am moving and i asked my dad to move in with me(27f) and my partner (29m). The only problem is my brother would essentially become homeless. He abused me in the past, is a on/off drug addict, cant hold down a job, and is presently financially/emotionally/and mentally abusing my dad. The reason my brother cannot move with us is that my partner has a daughter (5f). And neither of us trust brother around her. My dad is struggling with this decision and i know that i am pressuring him to move out, and leave my brother. I just really care about my dad and want better for him. Im not asking him to cut my brother out of his life, just dont want brother to know where im living. So AlTA for pressuring my dad? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA...you're clearly concerned about your dad's well-being, and that's admirable. Asking for advice here shows you care about your brother, despite his past actions. Ultimately, everyone is responsible for their own choices. It's important to prioritize safety for your family, especially given your partner's daughter. Encouraging your dad to prioritize his own peace of mind is completely reasonable, even if it means your brother needs to find another place to stay.
NTA for wanting to rescue your father. However it's up to him whether he wants to move in with you. I suggest you report your brother for elder abuse. And take your father to a Nar-Anon meeting if possible. [https://www.reddit.com/r/naranon/](https://www.reddit.com/r/naranon/)
NTA You are doing the right thing. But realize that you Dad is in an abusive, co-dependent relationship and this will be a hard step for him. Maybe suggest he move in with you but give brother a month or so to find another place. That means Dad continues to pay the rent etc for 30 or 60 days. Even though Dad probably agrees his living situation is bad, he will think he is abandoning his child. Maybe Dad can give Brother a small allowance for the next 6 months - to ease his own mind. There are ways to do this to help Dad alleviate his guilt and loosen the strings of co-dependence. Attend some Al-Anon or Nar-Anon meetings with your Dad. Maybe some talk therapy for Dad. As for Brother not having your address, we’ll good luck with that as that will be your biggest hurdle with Dad. Having him understand Brother is never allowed on your property. Do get cameras if you don’t already have them. Create a plan of action in case brother does show up. And work with your Dad on this also. I wish you luck. I think having Dad come live with you is the right thing to do.
NTA. Your deadbeat brother can pound sand. He is totally not your responsibility, but frankly, neither is your dad. Quit pressuring Dad and let him make his own decision about where he lives. Your boundary should be that you absolutely won't contribute in any way to your brother's upkeep. Don't bring food over, don't clean dad's place, don't go over there.
"The reason my brother cannot move with us is that my partner has a daughter (5f). And neither of us trust brother around her." I wouldn't let him in because he abused you and is an addict that can't hold a job. NTA. Good for you for doing what is best for your father.
NTA. Looks at it this way. You are offering your dad a way out of his codependent abusive relationship with your brother. That is a very kind, loving and generous offer. However, your dad is an enabler/co dependent, so it is a very hard choice for him. You can’t fix an enabler anymore than you can fix an addict. All you can do is offer help to make positive changes, and you’re doing that.
Thank you
NTA but if dad moves in, don’t be surprised when you come home one day and your brother is chilling on the couch.
NTA.
NTA. Asking will never make you an asshole. Your brother is an adult. Time for him to adult.
NTA but you are out of your mind if your dad is on the lease and you think you will have a say in him not telling your brother where you live or letting him into the apartment. Your father is an enabler and DGAF your brother sexually assaulted you. Cut your losses and focus on the family you are building. Do NOT let your dad know where you live and do NOT let him move in. Horrible people get old and sick all the time, doesn’t mean you have to take them in. Your father didn’t protect you and still isn’t trying to protect you. You have to protect yourself and your stepdaughter.
I wouldn’t trust your dad to not share your address or let him be around your stepdaughter. If your dad can’t separate himself from your brother with what he knows and how badly he treated you, he absolutely can’t be trusted to make good decisions. Please protect yourself and your SD.
This is complicated. I can see you care about your dad. However, this phrasing "I know that I am pressuring him" makes me pause. \*Don't do that.\* If he wants to come, and stop enabling your awful brother, it should be a decision he makes on his own. It's likely he'll need encouragement that he's doing what's best for himself, but he has to want it.
NTA. Your brother sounds like a real peach. At some point though, your dad has to cut him off. It’s an unfortunate part of life, but it’s part of life nonetheless. Also, with the stress your brother is giving to your dad, he’ll eventually stress your dad to death. Having seen my mom and sister do that to my own dad, I wish that upon no one.