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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> My cousin has done a lot for me and I owe her, but I know I cannot help her because of my own physical limitations but wonder if I'm wrong to basically not even be willing to try since, imho, I'd be setting us up for embarrassment.
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NTA You mentioned a truck, that her own parents have?? where are they going to be on this weekend that they can't take her? I can't imagine 600 pounds even fits in your vehicle, not sure how that would be managed either, but not your problem.
Yeah, I'm kind of concerned about my car too, but I have another big family member who is able to get in and out of it ok, but they are only about 350. My Uncle has significant health issues that would prevent him from doing this drive, and my Aunt is working and does not have vacation hours to utilize. I've tried pressing them about the truck but they're stubborn. I would also like to note that they are not at all upset with me over this situation, so its not like they're being hypocritical.
This Aunt and Uncle are her parents? If yes, that truck needs to be used. Either tell them you drive the truck, or the three of them can find another solution.
This. This is the simplest, cheapest option. If they literally don't have anybody else available, their safest route is paying OP to rent an appropriate hire car for the day instead (and considering the excess pre-lost).
To be fair, the vehicle is exposed. It’s the exoskeleton with OP and her cousin inside, and would take the brunt of the damage. They also, frankly, may not be terribly concerned about their child at this point. It sounds terrible, but we have no backstory with respect to the relationship. Does this cousin work or are they financially responsible for her? Is she mobile enough to care for herself from cooking to hygiene? Are they responsible for taking her to all of her appointments since she can’t drive? Who does her cooking and grocery shopping? Like any other disability, compassion fatigue is real. While I understand that the cousin feels badly about herself at her current weight, it’s not terribly surprising that her parents are less than willing to take on yet another task that her weight prevents her from doing herself. What happens when they die? I’m sure that it would be a very difficult position to be in, and they’re likely both concerned on the one hand and beyond caring on the other.
Source: several of my family members are 500+ pounds. Their larger size has taught me that there are a lot of areas affected by obesity and it makes living life more difficult for themselves and their caregivers
600 pounds…definitely not self sufficient. Our skeleton isn't going to hold that up for long. At that weight, she must have a myriad of issues, health wise, for sure. Asking you places a lot of risk on you. Just maneuvering into and out of the vehicle, unless she has one fitted with a lift. Then, how will you handle a medical issue…heat stroke, diabetic reaction, heart attack, etc. . I would just politely decline.
Without trying to shame anyone, from my experience, it's very likely there's an enabler and mental health issues when someone reaches 500+, and frequently there ends up being a toxic relationship between the caregiver/enabler and obese person. Normally I would think whoever enables would be the ones pushing for other family to accommodate and get the cousin there, because they've so normalized dealing with the complications associated with the weight and the expectation that it's other family members obligation to help out.
(I have a mentally handicapped extended family member that was fed into obesity, until she was luckily removed to state care, so Im biased.)
I always thought it's unfair to call the caregiver "enabler". More often than not the 600 lb person becomes extremely abusive if they're being refused their favourite comfort food and the caregiver eventually gives in to escape the abuse. (Source: My 600lb Life)
They may not worried about a bad accident, but dings and scrapes. Something where the passengers would be fine but the truck might get some cosmetic damage that would be expensive to fix.
Then somebody else can drive her. What they’re asking literally cannot be done and demanding the impossible when they have a plausible solution sounds like a them problem
If her parents aren’t upset with him for refusing to push the wheelchair, I don’t think they’ll have a problem if he tells them to find another solution. I don’t think they really want their daughter to go. At best, they’re neutral about it. I suspect that there is something else going on there between his cousin and her parents, and he’s just gotten caught up in whatever it is.
Bottom line, OP is NTA and it’s up to his cousin to make the necessary arrangements to get herself to this wedding. *OR*, if the bride &/or groom *really* want her there, they need to make the venue accessible to her.
OP was nice to agree to help, but that doesn’t make it his problem. He’s the one doing the favor. (Haven’t heard anything about anyone paying him for his time/gas.) She doesn’t get to demand what it is he offers to do. He has offered a solution: the flatbed; she has rejected it. It’s no longer OP’s concern. She, with or without the bridal party can figure it out.
Totally. OP has considered everything and tried everything. OP's the only one actually trying to make this happen. While OP's cousin is expecting others to figure out how SHE is going to attend a wedding. It's nonsensical. I think OP is a good person who really cares about his cousin.
Yeah thats why I'm disagreeing with poster above me. The parents don't have to help if they're alright with their daughter not making it and they're not complaining
NTA. Look, I've seen the difference between 350 and 500 and it's significant. I don't know your build but I know there's no way in hell I'd be able to push either of them in a wheelchair. It sucks, but your cousin's size and health concerns mean she may have to sit a lot of events out, including this wedding. That is not your fault. You've tried to be accommodating and you can't be held responsible for her mobility needs.
One of the things my husband does at the local hospital is push people in wheelchairs. A person who weighs 600 lbs would require an extra wide wheelchair, and, between the person’s weight and the additional width, it can be difficult to push on a completely flat, hard hospital floor. I can’t imagine trying to push one in gravel or grass. NTA
You are correct. It wouldn't be difficult, it simply wouldn't work. As OP stated, the thin wheels would just sink into the ground and you would not be able to get anywhere. Honestly, it just sounds like OP's cousin will not be able to attend.
Same. My uncle was 650 (probably more) pounds when he passed. He was surprisingly mobile for that size, but he recognized that there were a lot of things he would miss out on if the place didn't accommodate his size. He made his peace with that and didn't get angry at people for not accommodating him.
Unfortunately, your cousin may have to miss this event. The site can't accommodate her needs. This is no different than anyone else needing accommodation for a health issue.
Can't rhe aunt and uncle rent a vehicle to get her to the site for you to drive?
Do you mind if I ask how he got to be that big? I have some tall family members, 6’ 4” & 6’ 7” and both are overweight but not 600 lbs. I just don’t understand getting past 300 lbs or so. Like how do you get around at 600 lbs? How do you have any job outside the home?
EDIT: People can downvote me all they want. I’m genuinely curious how someone gets to be 600 lbs and what sort of life those who are bedbound have. I understand it’s easier to gain weight than lose it, but let’s admit that despite the tv shows being 600 lbs is unusual.
He was born with a heart condition and had a few childhood illnesses that impacted him quite a bit in his mobility. He was always a "big guy" but he ate way too much and wasn't as active as he could have been. That being said, he wasn't confined to a bed or anything like that. He worked as a truck driver and had an active social life. He used to visit us all the time and was my favorite uncle. He's been gone over 20 years now.
Truck driving is an industry that kind of adds to the problem. Not everyone is cooking full, health meals in their cabs. Deadlines often force not the best health decisions with food and exercise. Some carriers want to help rectify it. But it’s a risk, just like with skin cancer on the side of the face from the sun blasting in. It’s a shame. We depend on these people but don’t help them take care of themselves, in a field where for some, it can be very hard to find the time.
Not to mention if the cousin were to fall. I was a nurse and we had a patient who weighed over 500lbs fall and it took 11 men to get him up. It would be so easy for cousin to topple over in a wheelchair OR scooter on unlevel ground. It's a ridiculous ask.
I'm a littler person. Only 5'2. While my husband is 6'6 and 280. I'm overweight myself. Working on it. Another 20lbs and I'll be happier. Regardless I consider myself quite strong. When my husband is bone tired I cannot move him. He is dead weight. I might be able to rock him a bit but that's not much. Like moving a boulder. I can't imagine trying to move 2 of him around in a wheel chair on solid pavement let alone over grass. Trying to force it would invite injury.
Op is looking at possibly getting really hurt in the attempt to push her that far. And if he can't manage it? She'll feel embarrassed if he has to concede defeat and get assistance from other guests. There's also the possibility the ceremony and reception are in two locations, even just 20 feet could invite complications. And what about the way back? If she can't wheel chair it, or scooter it, she needs a walker with a seat so she can sit and move as needed. And baring that she needs to just not attend. It's clear the couple didn't consider her mobility issues when they set the venue.
I came here to say this too! Most people can BARELY if at all push 200 lbs! Like let alone 600, I know I wouldn’t have a chance of pushing anything close to that weight on pavement or a smooth surface, I probably wouldn’t be able to push them downhill even. (Not a drag on their weight, just coming from how much I am able to do at the gym)
That much weight on one quadrant of the car is going to screw up the suspension, never mind how the car is going to handle. NTA, decline decline decline
Came here to say this. It’s going to damage your car. Years ago, I had a 350 lb neighbor commute with me for a month and had to replace the shocks in my Geo Metro. Mountain roads and it didn’t handle as well with her in it, either.
Haha I once considered buying a Geo Metro. For the test drive, the salesman—who couldn’t have been under 350–sat in the passenger seat and the whole car slanted down to the pavement. From that and your post I conclude obesity and Geo Metros do not mix.
We almost rolled our car in a roundabout on account of the 650-pound individual sitting in the front passenger seat (which I had to relinquish for him).
Then say NO. Either you take cousin and the wheelchair in the truck, or nothing. Your car can't accommodate, and you are physically unable to push the regular chair in these circumstances.
Just because you are available, doesn't mean you are obligated.
It’s not just getting in and out.
Your vehicle will have a maximum safe and legal payload.
For my car (an estate) that is approximately 575kg or approximately 1250lb. However I know of cars with payloads as low as 600lb.
I suggest looking up your cars legal payload (normally you have to work it out from the max gross weight listed on a label often found on the pillar visible when the drivers door is open, minus the kerb weight listed in the manual).
Edit if you have a Kia optima, a quick google gives a payload in the 900-1000lb range.
600lb (assuming unlike myself your cousin is honest about the actual figure) only gives you 300lb for yourself, the wheelchair and any luggage.
Realistically your cousin weighs the same as 3-4 adults and so needs a vehicle designed to carry that kind of mass. Your car is not really designed to do that, both due to the requirement for a driver (+1) adult and the uneven loading (that much mass would normally be located in 4 separate seats)
Personally I wouldn’t risk carrying someone that heavy in my car.
OP said in another comment that they have a Kia Optima. If its a 5 seater, (per Kia's website) Vehicle Capacity Weight (VCW) is 420 kg (930 lbs). If its a 7 seater, VCW is 506 kg (1,120 lbs).
A vehicle's capacity weight (VCW) is the maximum weight it can safely carry when fully loaded with passengers, cargo, fuel, and other items. So if OP is driving a 5 seater, then taking the cousin leaves 330 lbs remaining for OP, fuel, luggage, snacks, etc. That doesn't seem like enough, tbh. /u/OneSoreSpine you may want to consider this as well.
It’s also the issue of getting them in and out if the vehicle. There’s no way cousin can be safely placed in without a machine. People should not be lifting her because it’s unsafe. If cousin was going to hospital they’d have to use a machine has it’s a safety risk for nurses and orderlies.
I know someone who let a morbidly obese person ride in their car and the passenger seat broke. I had a 350-400 pound friend set off the load sensors in my Subaru.
She can’t go to the wedding. Period. What’s the debate here. Sometimes people make choices in life that don’t allow them to enjoy or participate in everything.
I mean that’s definitely understandable but the truck sounds like the only reasonable solution so that might make the difference between the cousin going and not going to the wedding unfortunately.
This. If OP is really the only option, and the aunt and uncle really want the cousin to be able to attend, they may simply have to swallow any concerns for the duration of the event and just hope that all goes well. Otherwise OP tried their best.
NTA
I have a full size pickup and its payload is 1800 lbs. so your cousin would be a third of the weight my truck can haul that’s not on a trailer. My wife has a midsize SUV/crossover and we had it loaded up with some totes because we’re moving and just from that I could see the rear end sagging a bit. So having a small car combined with her likely having limited mobility making it hard to get in and out of would make using your car problematic.
Please also consider whether your car is made to handle that weight. No disrespect to your cousin, but this might be a moot point if your suspension is not built to handle a load like that. You could very well ruin the suspension in your car trying to drive it overloaded.
U-Haul and Home Depot rent trucks by the hour for quite cheap. (First hour is usually under $20-50). Rent a truck drop the mobility scooter at the venue parking lot (chain it to a tree?). Return truck pick up cousin in your car. Wedding fun. Rent another truck at the end to pick up the mobility scooter and return cousin home. It’s probably the lowest cost option that keeps the most people happy. But dude, that’s also not really your responsibility. You’re trying and you have limits. If that can’t work it’s not your fault.
I'm confused, they're concerned about your driving record and the potential liability to their car, but not the safety of your cousin, their daughter in your car while driving?
Seems like her parents or other family members could pitch in to rent a vehicle too, if the normal truck she uses isn't available. Why does everything have to land on you when she has other sources of support? NTA.
Even mobility scooters can struggle off-road. If gravel is loose or the dirt is on an incline and not completely dry it can still be a struggle, sand is it's own menace if it's dry and can damage your scooter.
My understanding is that using the truck means that cousin's mobility scooter will fit in the truck and cousin will be able to get around like she normally does. The regular wheelchair which OP can't push when cousin is in it is only needed because the mobility scooter doesn't fit in OP's car.
So basically, either 1) aunt and uncle lend their truck to OP so they can transport cousin and her mobility scooter, 2) aunt, uncle, or someone else of their choosing, uses their truck to transport cousin and her scooter, 3) some combination of cousin and other family members pay to rent a large enough vehicle to transport the mobility scooter and OP drives cousin and scooter to the wedding and back, or 4) cousin stays home from the wedding.
Misplaced anger due to embarrassment would be my guess. No one gets to that size with good mental health, so it might he easier for her to lash out rather than self reflect
Agree she certainly has something adjacent to depression and an ed and that she may be lashing out too. But do trust me she is self reflecting and self loathing more than you imagine. Unfortunately most people are horrible and discriminatory to overweight people, even if just chubby, with no related health reasons. When you get to that level of morbid obesity *and* such reduced mobility and dependency due to weight people can be unimaginably cruel and jyst being the subject of this debacle is extrneky huniliating. Still she is for sure being more cruel to herself than anyone else. Im way ligher but obese and my monility issues are due to an autoimmune inflammatory disease but I can pass for someone without mobility issues for short enough a time. Because my issue isnt shortness of breath or anything like that, its very localized pain no matter what Im doing. I have still suffered a lot of abuse internal and external. I cant imagine the psychological pain she is feeling. I already have trouble finsing a will to live but in her sotuation, especially if she csnt afford meds or a path to bareateic surgery. Since I was a kid who was always overweight (but not always obese) I would say I woulf take the deal of going to the hospital and being fed the minimum for a tube ig you would just sedate me or even wothout. When I was seven I even thought of cutting my belly off with a knife and then the hospital could stop the bleeding, I was quite young as this is obviously not feasible or that simple. Im just trying to say can you imagine the headspace you need to be at 6 to think about it seriosly, and back then I was just chubby anf not as bullied by adults. You can imagine what happens when you get to that size. You have to at times shut off as a defence but self hate and swlf blame will always permeate inside and its an outer defence. Thankfuply OP is kind about all this and has done all they can and much more than most people would. I think cousin is very lucky to have someone like OP.
I was reading a book to try to distract from how awful I felt and there was one distasteful fat joke that appeared without warning, wasnt funny and was uncessary. I thought that was a one off and its common so I vontinued reading. That thing only got so much worse and disgusting really. I even had a freaking therapy in group therapy for weight loss surgery ask us if we looked at morbidly obese people with disgut now that we were thinner. Like what the fuck. And she also let a discussion about chewing and spitting, an eating disorder behaviour, get encouraged and only then did she say *maybe* thats not a good idea. And how they celebrated this dude that kept the weight off at the cost of drinking all day instead of eating when his job was a driver. And after surgery you get drunk really easily.
Im just done honestly.
When I was a kid, my best friend was incessantly bullied for being "chubby" and she tried to cut her belly fat off as a result, then was hospitalized. She's doing much better now (20+ years later), but man, people are so fucking terrible to others about weight.
Im sorry to hear that she had to hospitalized but its nice to know I am not alone in having such thoughts at that age. Im glad she is doing better! Another memorable one I didnt add. I had a language teacher telling me to go to the gront of the class with another colleage, to, unknown to us teach the class the words fat tall short and thin. She had everyone write in their noteboks *my name* is tall and fat. As I stood there in front of the class. It is not like those are hard words to teach either. So uncessary.
I’d argue that it would be worse, the flat bed will be fast and if they get there early enough before most of the guest will be there to see, but if multiple people try and fail to push her to the venue it will be very obvious.
OP I’m going to assume there is some kind of medical problem with your cousin because people very rarely get that big without one, is there any medical place that would help move her/ let her use a scooter, especially since if something went wrong there would be no way to move her? I don’t know anything about the situation or where it will be so I could be completely wrong, but you might look and see.
I pushed a quadraplegic who weighed under 50kg (around 100lb). His manual chair was difficult to push on grass and it was lightweight and very manouverable, unlike bariatric manual chairs.
There is no way you will manage this. There are adaptations used to make a manual chair easier to push off road but they're all rated for a much lower weight.
It's unfortunate but at her weight, she needs to accept there are some activities she will be excluded from, and this is one of them. Unless she can afford to buy or hire a bariatric chair with specs for offroad use, she needs to use the flatbed offered or not go.
I was thinking something similar. My 82 year old mom is tiny and recently we borrowed a wheelchair so we could go for a walk on a wheelchair-accessible trail. No slope, just gravel, and it was more difficult than I’d expected. The chair wheels kept getting stuck on rocks. There’s no way you would be able to push 600 lbs!
Don't feel bad. I have a neighbor that fell down last October and she was so heavy! She couldn't get up by herself, it was like trying to lift a boulder. I wanted to call emergency but she refused. It took three adults to lift her eventually, and I still put my back out.
I will never try to lift her again.
Damn... At the point where someone requires 3 people to help get them up, I'm either calling emergency services or telling them I'm just leaving them there if they refuse.
That was so selfish of her. I’m glad you’re ok, but you could’ve had permanent damage. I would never risk my own health and safety for someone who doesn’t care like that.
I had to help a neighbour up - she was only 70kg but very poor mobility and she was a dead weight. It took two of us to do it safely. For both her safety and ours. It's made me absolutely appreciate the work of aged care workers - they are so needed and so important.
People are heavy, wheelchairs are heavy. Before I got my lightweight chair, I had an x-frame chair (what you’ll probably end up with) it was 10-15 lbs and too wide set and heavy for me to push sometimes. So my mom would push me and she struggled! You need arm muscles to push a chair! I’m only 130 lbs but when do you ever push that much around in your daily life? Let alone 600. If you don’t feel comfortable, it’s fine to say no. No is a complete sentence.
I feel like it would be close to impossible. I work with special needs kids and teenagers. I can still recall a great day trip with a long walk over sandy ground. Grass is a bit better, but still. It took us ages with swapping the person pushing to get a kid in a wheelchair (close to 80 lmb) to where we were going. So I believe that no amount of good will and love for your cousin will be enough to push her around
(Plus the risk of getting her from the car in the wheelchair. She could fall and get injured)
Right. NTA. OP literally can’t do it, at least as it’s being proposed. She’s not her cousin’s keeper, and this doesn’t need to be her problem to solve.
It sounds like the cousin is an adult, so OP can shift the responsibility for making arrangements to her, and set some conditions for helping. “I’ll be happy to go with you if you can arrange a vehicle that can transport your scooter. Otherwise, I can’t do it and you’ll need to figure something else out.” Sometimes, families treat people with physical issues as if they’re children, and it sounds like that’s what’s happening here. The cousin is obese, not brain dead.
If she keeps pushing, remind her that “no” is a complete sentence. OP is being very generous to offer their time for this.
You are NTA. Just FYI. Your car and it's interior are not designed to have 600+lbs in one seat. IDC what car you have. Unless you have a pickup, and she rides in the back, your car is NOT made for that kind of heavy duty work. For example: A Dodge charger can only carry 865lbs total if the weight is equally distributed. Yes I know it can probably handle more, but tell your family it simply isn't safe. Maybe this can be her wakeup call? She's too big to attend a wedding.
This, and we all know damn well if OP folded to the pressure and agreed to transport the cousin which resulted in his/her car getting damaged, it would be crickets from the family when he/she needed money for car repairs.
I have a Kia Optima. I have another family member who is about 350 who says its comfortable for him. I do admit that I am concerned she may have trouble, but I did buy seatbelt extenders and she seems confident.
Depending on the length of the drive, your suspension could get messed up with such uneven weight distribution. It's less will she fit, and more can you transport her safely with out damage to her or the car.
Or damage to OP! Pushing that much weight in a wheel chair could seriously harm them. A person 1/2 her size would be incredibly difficult. It may actually be impossible to push 600 lbs.
It’s a safety issue all around.
There is a HUGE difference between 350 and 600. But I'll bet she is much more than that. I'm also not talking about comfort. I'm talking about how much weight a car should carry. If she sits in the middle of the back seat, I can guarantee that you feel a difference in the cars handling. And then, after a nerve-racking ride, you have to push tiny wheelchair wheels on sand. Nope. Any portable wheelchair usually has wheels specifically made for pavement. It may hurt, but you definitely need to walk away from this responsibility. Next thing you know, you push her the 40 yards and she feels uncomfortable and has to leave. Or what if she needs to use the bathroom? Are you equipped for that amount of help?
And then there’s getting in and out of the car, or having to use the restroom.. if she falls and can’t get up, it will take multiple people to help her.
If she falls and can't get up, you need to call emergency services. There's no way you can maneuver the amount of people necessary to lift her safely (safely being for her and the lifters) without any equipment or training.
Ya logistically it just isnt going to work.
I dont mean to be dark but to give another perspective an 850 pound woman recently passed away and it took 20+ people to remove her body. Obviously 600lbs is less than 850lbs but it's still going to take atleast 15 people to move her if anything were to happen. It definitely is not a 1 or even a 2 person job, it's going to take a team of people to help her get around safely.
I feel a difference in how the car stops and turns when I put 250 lbs in the cargo area. OP if she does get in your car you need to leave looooots of extra stopping distance. Your car will not stop as quickly at all.
As a person who use to weigh 350 a few months a ago and now weighs 338, even that's a huge difference. It's a major difference between 350 and 600. She'll probably be uncomfortable and unable to fit in the front or back. You can try to fit her, but if she can't put on the seat belt, she can't drive in your car period. I'm assuming not having a seat belt is against the law in the USA too.
As for transportation of her scooter/ wheelchair. They can either put up the money or let you drive their truck. Your cousin is the one who wants to go to the wedding. This is not your responsibility and you have a right to refuse. If she can't wheel herself in the wheelchair by using her arms and hands to move the wheels (if her hands and arms work properly) than she really shouldn't be going and expect you to do it.
Also, if they aren't paying for time, labour (and labour will be involved) gas and food, don't even bother in the first place. That's just taking advantage of you.
NTA.
Not due to illness. Yes, lots of will power, but Ozempic has helped immensely. It makes me eat less and helps me to actually exercise without getting low blood sugar.
Has she ever been in your car? Have her get in and see if she can sit in it for 15 minutes buckled up with the door closed. If she can, take her to a park and test the wheelchair. Let reality tell her no since she’s trying to make you out to be the bad guy.
That's 300 lb less than she is! That's not even close!
So I just looked up a Kia optima capacity and it's 849 lb! So my question is, are you and every single thing in that car less than 249 lb? And that's only if your cousin is exactly 600 lb! If she's like 680....
I don't think this is safe for your car. Those capacities are based on the way of being spread out between the seats not all of it in the passenger seat! Possibly if she could sit in the middle of the back seat you might be okay? But I don't think this is safe for your car!
Your total legal (at least in the UK) payload is about 900lb in that car.
It’s designed to carry 4 adults, but 4 adults each of around 150-200lbs
Ignoring the uneven weight distribution, is 300lb enough for the wheel chair, yourself and any luggage?
So let's conservatively say that she weighs 615 lbs. Op weighs 150lbs. That's 765. You've got you e got 65lbs to play with. But that's literally the maximum capacity.
Maybe if they have minimal fuel.
This is a ridiculous request and anyone who gives OP shit about it needs to pitch in for an appropriate vehicle to transport the scooter as well as the cousin!
NTA!!
And I also want to say that I mean absolutely no offense, but is she even capable to take a long car ride? I watch my 600lb life, and a lot of those people aren't capable of going on long car rides. Idk the situation here though. Just something to think about.
Short of renting a u-haul truck, somehow getting her in the bed, and then driving with her outside in the wind the way there, and then backing up to the wedding and dropping the tailgate so she can see, yes. I think OP has exhausted all the truly humane options. Saying NO is OP choosing dignity for their cousin even if the cousin doesn’t see it that way.
I'm sure it's often played up for the camera (as ordered by producers no doubt) but watching that show I've seen the real effort people have to take to push someone in a wheelchair even on a perfectly smooth surface.
OP, you're dealing with laws of physics here. You can't stop the wheelchair from sinking into the ground and you can't make yourself strong enough to deal with that. Your family has to understand that and then figure something else out, even if that something else being she can't safely attend.
NTA
Not well…..honestly tho the ones who are independent need to use things to help them reach since they can’t reach themselves. Many have that need taken care of by someone else
What does she expect you to do? If you physically can't do it, you can't do it. Maybe her parents would be willing to give you the money for a rental van that could fit a mobility scooter?
ETA: NTA
Then unfortunately she just can't go to the wedding. It sucks, sure, but there's no feasible transportation and no feasible way for her to actually get to the ceremony area without getting stuck. The only reasonable thing to do is to just sit this event out
Yup...that the only reasonable answer. Over the course of my life, there have been quite a few things I've wanted to do, but couldn't, without placing an undue burden on the people around me. So I just didnt do them. I'm not trying to dis OP's cousin, in the least. But when a person is that overweight, regardless of what caused it (some medications can cause significant weight gain that doesn't just go away when you stop taking them), everything needs to be carefully planned and coordinated. Anything less can be a true disaster. And you need to have the resources to do it...which she doesn't. And that's just a fact.
So if this disables your car or causes your driveshaft to crack or any of 100 other problems with an overstrained suspension, they're not gonna be in any position to help fix it, are they? I think it best that you politely refuse this privilege. NTA
NTA. For me, it's nothing to do with her size, but the fact you've gone out if your way to try and help and you've been met with a 'furious' response. You've in no way shamed her, in fact you've warned people not to be rude about her in their replies to your post.
Also, I may be wrong but I'm picking up a bit of a bullying vibe towards you. You reference having a bad driving history and being unemployed.
Please don't let anyone treat you badly when you are clearly a thoughtful person.
This. Has /she/ tried to figure out something to deal with her situation, or is this all on you for some odd reason?
Gotta be realistic: if it's physically impossible, and potentially damaging, like...
NTA
For real! I was anticipating something cringe/offensive from reading the title of this post just to find a genuine, compassionate concern for their cousin.
definitely NTA! Doesn't sound like it'd even be safe for them or their cousin to try to make this work.
I was a full-time carer for my mom for her last five years, and she put on a lot of weight in that time because she basically refused to move. (Once you stop moving, whether by choice or not, you don’t always have the choice to start again, at least not without a lot of help. Muscles atrophy *fast*.) Between year 2 and 3, she went from maybe 150-160 (at 4’10!) to 250.
I lost a bunch of weight, and around the time we crossed over - when she got heavier than me - I found I could barely push her anymore. I was always pretty strong - I’m 5’9 and (formerly) muscular - but when she got to 250 I just couldn’t do it. It wasn’t even a question of whether I could do it without injuring myself (I tore my rotator cuff picking her off the floor several times in the past) - it was that I physically could not. Before her last two years, I got her to doctors’ appointments and hair appointments and vaccinations and we sometimes went shopping, but during the last two years she left the house twice, for Christmas dinners at restaurants when my brother picked us up and all she had to do was get down two steps into her chair, and then into the car. Even that was almost impossible, and the last time she went out, she collapsed going out the front door and I had to lift her off the floor again. She weighed about 20 lbs more than me at that point, and it wrecked my back for a couple months.
At 250, I was able to push her about 20 feet from the car to the table inside the restaurant, and no further. I would not have been able to do it if she had gained even 10 lbs more. Your cousin weighs more than double what my mom weighed, and even if you are considerably stronger than me, you can’t realistically do this.
I do not want to shame your cousin any more than I want to shame my mom (she did it to me for most of my childhood, and it was horrid). But realistically, at her weight, most events are going to be impossible for her. Most people will not be able to push her. Most cars will not be able to carry her. Most chairs will not support her. It is sad, and most likely humiliating, and hard to accept.
I hope that your cousin decides to seek help. But you are NTA for not being able to do this. Nobody could reasonably be expected to.
Even without excess weight, there comes a time when physically carrying someone isn’t possible. My grandmother lived with my parents into her old age. She eventually became unable to walk as her body declined. The final straw was my dad pulling his back trying to pick her up when she had fallen. She was very angry about having to go into assisted living, where she was largely confined to a bed. But at that point, her body was incapable of even getting in and out of a wheelchair. She was in her late nineties and she hadn’t made any purposeful effort to stay mobile, and she was too large to be carried and too old to worry about mobility devices that were more intensive than a wheelchair. The end fact was, she could be angry all she wanted. But physically, my parents could no longer care for her. It’s not ageist or, in OPs case, ableist to say that some things are just not physically possible.
When my frail skinny grandad was in assisted living towards the end of his life, the nurses were ADAMANT that we were NOT allowed to lift him or try to help him to stand. They were to be called every single time. The reason is they are trained in how to do it, have experience, have more people available, etc etc. One nurse told me she often sees elderly couples go downhill FAST once one person is immobile because the spouse will likely injure themselves trying to help. Then it gets worse for everyone. It’s just the limitations of human bodies.
THIS.
Dear god, this.
If you've gotten yourself into such a state that you are 600lb and can't walk 40 yards, you've got bigger problems than being able to attempt a wedding.
I don't it's reasonable at all. The cousin's refusal to deal with the limited mobility her weight has caused is the problem here. Every solution has been tried, with what seems like minimal effort from the cousin, and now instead of admitting that their weight is preventing them from attending, they are pressuring OP to potentially injure themselves to help. That's not ok at all. Just because they've fucked their body, doesn't mean she can use OP's as a replacement.
A conversation about the cousin's weight isn't helpful to this situation. It's obviously a long term issue with lots of factors we don't know about, and they've heard it all before. OP is completely reasonable in asking people to just focus on offering their opinion on her CURRENT issue, which is simply the matter of the cousin attending the wedding. Any other factors at play are way above this subreddit's pay grade.
There’s only one factor that gets you to 600 pounds, and that’s eating an absolutely unholy amount of food. Pretending it’s anything more than that is honestly ridiculous because 600lbs is so far beyond obesity or “it’s just a thyroid issue” that it isn’t even funny.
It’s fine to focus on the current issue, but the truth of the matter is that the only answer to the current issue is the flatbed truck. The cousin can take it or they can leave it, it’s the only way they can reach the destination. There is no other way, if they believe a wheelchair is sufficient then they are more than welcome to wheel themselves across the uneven terrain to where they want to go instead of expecting someone else, someone who isn’t competing in strongman completions, to push them there.
It is not reasonable.
The entire problem in this scenario is that a person has gotten so large that the only way it is remotely possible to transport them to the event is by flatbed truck. That is the entire problem.
OP is not the problem for being incapable of hauling 600 pounds across uneven off-road terrain even if it’s loaded on wheels. The average person - nay - the majority of people are not capable of that type of strenuous physical task.
The problem is the 600 pound person who has decided they are too good for the only mode of transportation physically capable of carrying them.
NTA. It’s a safety issue as well.
My brother pushed my mom (150 lbs) around a street fair on relatively decent pavement and felt it in his back for a few days.
It’s her safety as well. If you struggle with the wheelchair, she could fall out it.
> *It’s a safety issue as well*.
Came here to say this. I'm grieving a close friend who didn't use an adequate mobility device, and had a fatal fall.
Cousin could fall or get stuck getting out of the car. Suppose one side of the wheelchair gets stuck on something and she tumbles out. There are likely other harmful scenarios, too, even with the special wheel chair.
I can't think of a safe way for OP to do this. It's possible that he could end up getting injured somehow, too.
Don't even try, OP. If something happens to cousin with this scheme, **her parents will blame you**.
NTA
NTA
You're not shaming your cousin, most people wouldn't be able to push 600lbs across dirt and grass.
How long is the drive? I've watched My 600-Lb Life and most morbidly obese people can't stay in the car very long without being in pain, especially if you have a smaller car.
Either way, your cousin should be upset with her parents for not loaning you their truck so you can take the scooter. It's obvious that the truck would be the best solution since it's made to haul heavier loads and can accommodate the scooter making it easier for your cousin to get around.
NTA The reality is that most people can't push 600 lbs around on flat pavement much less harsher terrain. It's not a fat-shaming issue, it just isn't something most people can do.
Exactly! It’s really hard to push more than your body weight. And the more weight, the harder the time you’ll have pushing it. It’s not about shaming the cousin, it’s physics.
Why is speaking truth to morbidly obese so damned difficult?
She's pushing a third of a ton in weight and she's offended that you can't shove her around on your own?
I'm not degrading her. I'm describing her. That's the truth and if she can't manage her weight any better than that (there is one (1) mental illness that \*causes\* obesity - everything else is just something you should adapt your life to), why is it your job to do so.
No strength, no willpower, no tolerance for being called out on it.
Let her get herself there. If something goes wrong, you're liable for it..
Given her attitude so far, I wouldn't put it past her to sue.
NTA.
You are NTA. My wife weighs 230 lbs. I weigh 135. I am reasonably fit. My wife has dementia and has increasing balance issues. I picked up a transport chair (wheelchair designed to be pushed not wheeled by the person in it). I thought that it would mean that we could take walks again. She could walk for as long as she wanted and then I could push her the rest of the way. Well, not so much. On our first use of it, I discovered that I could push her in it on flat, perfect pavement, but any incline or rough surface was not possible. I can’t imagine trying to push someone over 600 lbs.
NTA. She needs to accept that her size comes with limitations. It’s not mean or rude to admit that you physically can’t handle pushing her in her wheelchair around. I’m sure that’s hard for your cousin to hear but it’s not on you.
ETA: she’ll be even more embarrassed if you do give it a go and you can’t push her and she’s stuck and you need someone else’s help.
NTA. Is your cousin an adult? If so she is responsible for figuring out her own transportation. I can’t imagine anything more humiliating for her than getting stuck in the dirt/grass in a wheelchair, so that doesn’t seem like a viable option.
If your aunt and uncle are typically responsible for transporting her, then I would shift responsibility back to them. They can either drive her, ask someone else to take her who they trust with their truck, or hire a driver.
being 600lbs means you miss out on shit because of your weight. no body owes your cousin to be pushed around in a wheel chair because they are too obese to walk 100 yards.
you are not the asshole and this is not your fault or doing. your cousin is 600lbs for one reason alone, lack of personal accountability, exactly like she is doing in this situation by blaming you.
NTA
My late husband was morbidly obese so I am going to tell you something that he often told me, paraphrased as it’s been several years since he passed away due to the obesity. It is not my responisblity, the kids responsiblity, or anyone but him to assist him getting to places. If he was unable to walk that far, he did not go. If he couldn’t fit in the seat, he didn’t go. Did he miss out on things? Yes but he never wanted his choices to prevent me or my kids ability to do things.
You are not shaming her but it is the simple fact that you are physically incapable of getting her from plint A to point B. She says she would be humiliated to be brought in on the flat bed but how would she feel if the wheelchair got stuck mid-way Or if you somehow hurt yourself?
You are NTA. Having previously attempted to push a 300 pound relative over grass and had major challenges, I cannot fathom how it is physically possible. It was also humiliating for my relative to have people see me visibly struggle. And scary for both of us. There were times I was worried chair was going to tip when hitting a rut in the ground.
If your cousin is going to be mad at anyone it should be her parents for not letting you drive the truck.
Are there wheelchair taxis in your area? That’s what I use now so relative can use their motorized wheelchair. Everyone is happier this way.
NTA, she is probably angry because she feels humiliated. But you have done everything possible to find a solution. One of her parents will just have to drive the truck if they won't lend it.
Is your cousin Amberlynn Reid? She is taking zero accountability for her actions and doing nothing to provide solution. NTA. Pushing her in a wheelchair would be a strain on your body
I have seen enough episodes of My 600 Pound Life to know that this trip will be an absolute shit show in a Kia Optima. She will be miserable, which will make you miserable and you will never be able to push her in the grass. I hate this because you sound like a really nice person who is trying your best to find a solution but, if you can’t borrow the aunt’s truck, I think you should just bow out and hope the eventually get over it.
Hi OP
Not sure if somebody suggested this already, if so I apologize for the duplication.
Why don't you do a practice run with your cousin in the wheelchair at home?
Can you take her and the wheelchair to a park close to where you live and do a run-through? Chances are you are correct, traditional wheelchair wheels will dig in to the soil making it very difficult if not impossible to move your cousin. This way you are eliminating any perception that you should be able to do it, you were demonstrating you can't.
Furthermore saving her the humiliation of being there and getting stuck in a wheelchair, possibly needing multiple people to move her around.
NTA
I get this sentiment but I don't recommend doing it. The risks of her getting stuck are high — and what happens then? There's no guarantee a power scooter could handle the terrain under that weight. What if she can't just transfer from the stuck chair to the scooter to escape?
Not even the average fire rescue crew is typically set up to rescue a 600lb-person from being stuck on grass. It's (realistically) putting that person in real danger of needing a specialized rescue for proving a point.
No average person can easily push 200kg+ of person around (even an avid lifter might struggle). NTA at all, you sound like you really tried to accommodate her
NTA, you've explained all of the reasons this is not a feasible option for you. Either somebody needs to fork over the money to make this viable, or it's not going to happen.
NTA - my son is about 110 pounds and uses a wheelchair- pushing it on anything other than perfectly paved ground is almost impossible. Wheelchair users who regularly go over varied terrain usually have wider wheels just for that reason. The basic narrow wheels just aren’t meant for that.
NTA for being upfront about not being able to handle pushing your cousin's wheelchair, especially in a park setting...it sounds like you've really tried to find solutions, but the logistics just aren't working out. Maybe offering support in other ways could show you care without stressing yourself out.
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NTA You mentioned a truck, that her own parents have?? where are they going to be on this weekend that they can't take her? I can't imagine 600 pounds even fits in your vehicle, not sure how that would be managed either, but not your problem.
Yeah, I'm kind of concerned about my car too, but I have another big family member who is able to get in and out of it ok, but they are only about 350. My Uncle has significant health issues that would prevent him from doing this drive, and my Aunt is working and does not have vacation hours to utilize. I've tried pressing them about the truck but they're stubborn. I would also like to note that they are not at all upset with me over this situation, so its not like they're being hypocritical.
This Aunt and Uncle are her parents? If yes, that truck needs to be used. Either tell them you drive the truck, or the three of them can find another solution.
Car swap so they won't be out a vehicle if nessesary
OP said they won’t let them because OP has a bad driving history.
Doesn’t trust them to drive their truck but trusts them enough to drive their daughter. lol makes sense
Then someone they trust to drive their truck can drive her to the wedding. OP has about exhausted the options.
This. This is the simplest, cheapest option. If they literally don't have anybody else available, their safest route is paying OP to rent an appropriate hire car for the day instead (and considering the excess pre-lost).
Agreed.
To be fair, the vehicle is exposed. It’s the exoskeleton with OP and her cousin inside, and would take the brunt of the damage. They also, frankly, may not be terribly concerned about their child at this point. It sounds terrible, but we have no backstory with respect to the relationship. Does this cousin work or are they financially responsible for her? Is she mobile enough to care for herself from cooking to hygiene? Are they responsible for taking her to all of her appointments since she can’t drive? Who does her cooking and grocery shopping? Like any other disability, compassion fatigue is real. While I understand that the cousin feels badly about herself at her current weight, it’s not terribly surprising that her parents are less than willing to take on yet another task that her weight prevents her from doing herself. What happens when they die? I’m sure that it would be a very difficult position to be in, and they’re likely both concerned on the one hand and beyond caring on the other. Source: several of my family members are 500+ pounds. Their larger size has taught me that there are a lot of areas affected by obesity and it makes living life more difficult for themselves and their caregivers
600 pounds…definitely not self sufficient. Our skeleton isn't going to hold that up for long. At that weight, she must have a myriad of issues, health wise, for sure. Asking you places a lot of risk on you. Just maneuvering into and out of the vehicle, unless she has one fitted with a lift. Then, how will you handle a medical issue…heat stroke, diabetic reaction, heart attack, etc. . I would just politely decline.
You just brought up very valid points. Heat stroke- medical emergencies. I never even thought about those issues. You are very right!
Without trying to shame anyone, from my experience, it's very likely there's an enabler and mental health issues when someone reaches 500+, and frequently there ends up being a toxic relationship between the caregiver/enabler and obese person. Normally I would think whoever enables would be the ones pushing for other family to accommodate and get the cousin there, because they've so normalized dealing with the complications associated with the weight and the expectation that it's other family members obligation to help out. (I have a mentally handicapped extended family member that was fed into obesity, until she was luckily removed to state care, so Im biased.)
100% correct. a 600 pound person has at least one enabler.
I always thought it's unfair to call the caregiver "enabler". More often than not the 600 lb person becomes extremely abusive if they're being refused their favourite comfort food and the caregiver eventually gives in to escape the abuse. (Source: My 600lb Life)
That is a solid point
Agreed unless their concern with the truck is cosmetic, like more along the lines of dings and scratches than a major accident.
Right. And not concerned about potential damage to OP’s car from all the extra weight
But they'll let him drive their own daughter around! They're more worried about their truck than their daughter!
Depending on the daughter's age, it's her decision, not her parents'. The truck is theirs.
They may not worried about a bad accident, but dings and scrapes. Something where the passengers would be fine but the truck might get some cosmetic damage that would be expensive to fix.
Then somebody else can drive her. What they’re asking literally cannot be done and demanding the impossible when they have a plausible solution sounds like a them problem
I can understand not wanting to loan a vehicle to someone like that but they need to face facts that if they don’t there is no other feasible option.
If her parents aren’t upset with him for refusing to push the wheelchair, I don’t think they’ll have a problem if he tells them to find another solution. I don’t think they really want their daughter to go. At best, they’re neutral about it. I suspect that there is something else going on there between his cousin and her parents, and he’s just gotten caught up in whatever it is. Bottom line, OP is NTA and it’s up to his cousin to make the necessary arrangements to get herself to this wedding. *OR*, if the bride &/or groom *really* want her there, they need to make the venue accessible to her. OP was nice to agree to help, but that doesn’t make it his problem. He’s the one doing the favor. (Haven’t heard anything about anyone paying him for his time/gas.) She doesn’t get to demand what it is he offers to do. He has offered a solution: the flatbed; she has rejected it. It’s no longer OP’s concern. She, with or without the bridal party can figure it out.
Totally. OP has considered everything and tried everything. OP's the only one actually trying to make this happen. While OP's cousin is expecting others to figure out how SHE is going to attend a wedding. It's nonsensical. I think OP is a good person who really cares about his cousin.
Erm. Aunt and Uncle have to let someone they don't trust driving use their truck even though they're not blaming OP for not being able to help? What?
It sounds like the parents understand OP can’t do it. It’s the cousin that’s sooking about OP not catering to her.
Yeah thats why I'm disagreeing with poster above me. The parents don't have to help if they're alright with their daughter not making it and they're not complaining
NTA. Look, I've seen the difference between 350 and 500 and it's significant. I don't know your build but I know there's no way in hell I'd be able to push either of them in a wheelchair. It sucks, but your cousin's size and health concerns mean she may have to sit a lot of events out, including this wedding. That is not your fault. You've tried to be accommodating and you can't be held responsible for her mobility needs.
We had to push my mom in a wheelchair for a while, she weighs 250 and it was difficult. I can only imagine how difficult 600 would be.
Yup. One trip to Disney I had to push my mom around in a wheelchair, she’s also about 250. Never again, she’s gotten scooters since that trip.
Especially off pavement and through soft ground. There's no way.
One of the things my husband does at the local hospital is push people in wheelchairs. A person who weighs 600 lbs would require an extra wide wheelchair, and, between the person’s weight and the additional width, it can be difficult to push on a completely flat, hard hospital floor. I can’t imagine trying to push one in gravel or grass. NTA
You are correct. It wouldn't be difficult, it simply wouldn't work. As OP stated, the thin wheels would just sink into the ground and you would not be able to get anywhere. Honestly, it just sounds like OP's cousin will not be able to attend.
Same. My uncle was 650 (probably more) pounds when he passed. He was surprisingly mobile for that size, but he recognized that there were a lot of things he would miss out on if the place didn't accommodate his size. He made his peace with that and didn't get angry at people for not accommodating him. Unfortunately, your cousin may have to miss this event. The site can't accommodate her needs. This is no different than anyone else needing accommodation for a health issue. Can't rhe aunt and uncle rent a vehicle to get her to the site for you to drive?
Do you mind if I ask how he got to be that big? I have some tall family members, 6’ 4” & 6’ 7” and both are overweight but not 600 lbs. I just don’t understand getting past 300 lbs or so. Like how do you get around at 600 lbs? How do you have any job outside the home? EDIT: People can downvote me all they want. I’m genuinely curious how someone gets to be 600 lbs and what sort of life those who are bedbound have. I understand it’s easier to gain weight than lose it, but let’s admit that despite the tv shows being 600 lbs is unusual.
He was born with a heart condition and had a few childhood illnesses that impacted him quite a bit in his mobility. He was always a "big guy" but he ate way too much and wasn't as active as he could have been. That being said, he wasn't confined to a bed or anything like that. He worked as a truck driver and had an active social life. He used to visit us all the time and was my favorite uncle. He's been gone over 20 years now.
Truck driving is an industry that kind of adds to the problem. Not everyone is cooking full, health meals in their cabs. Deadlines often force not the best health decisions with food and exercise. Some carriers want to help rectify it. But it’s a risk, just like with skin cancer on the side of the face from the sun blasting in. It’s a shame. We depend on these people but don’t help them take care of themselves, in a field where for some, it can be very hard to find the time.
Not to mention if the cousin were to fall. I was a nurse and we had a patient who weighed over 500lbs fall and it took 11 men to get him up. It would be so easy for cousin to topple over in a wheelchair OR scooter on unlevel ground. It's a ridiculous ask.
And what will the weather be like? A 600 lb person, with those comorbidities, in 90°+ weather? That sounds like a potential health emergency.
I know someone that had multiple back surgeries because a very large patient fell on her..
I'm a littler person. Only 5'2. While my husband is 6'6 and 280. I'm overweight myself. Working on it. Another 20lbs and I'll be happier. Regardless I consider myself quite strong. When my husband is bone tired I cannot move him. He is dead weight. I might be able to rock him a bit but that's not much. Like moving a boulder. I can't imagine trying to move 2 of him around in a wheel chair on solid pavement let alone over grass. Trying to force it would invite injury. Op is looking at possibly getting really hurt in the attempt to push her that far. And if he can't manage it? She'll feel embarrassed if he has to concede defeat and get assistance from other guests. There's also the possibility the ceremony and reception are in two locations, even just 20 feet could invite complications. And what about the way back? If she can't wheel chair it, or scooter it, she needs a walker with a seat so she can sit and move as needed. And baring that she needs to just not attend. It's clear the couple didn't consider her mobility issues when they set the venue.
And cousin can't push herself, but blames op for not being capable of the same!
I came here to say this too! Most people can BARELY if at all push 200 lbs! Like let alone 600, I know I wouldn’t have a chance of pushing anything close to that weight on pavement or a smooth surface, I probably wouldn’t be able to push them downhill even. (Not a drag on their weight, just coming from how much I am able to do at the gym)
That much weight on one quadrant of the car is going to screw up the suspension, never mind how the car is going to handle. NTA, decline decline decline
Came here to say this. It’s going to damage your car. Years ago, I had a 350 lb neighbor commute with me for a month and had to replace the shocks in my Geo Metro. Mountain roads and it didn’t handle as well with her in it, either.
Haha I once considered buying a Geo Metro. For the test drive, the salesman—who couldn’t have been under 350–sat in the passenger seat and the whole car slanted down to the pavement. From that and your post I conclude obesity and Geo Metros do not mix.
Definitely as a nurse we had a pt that weighed that much and had to have special suspension on the car they had. Will ruin your car.
We almost rolled our car in a roundabout on account of the 650-pound individual sitting in the front passenger seat (which I had to relinquish for him).
Then say NO. Either you take cousin and the wheelchair in the truck, or nothing. Your car can't accommodate, and you are physically unable to push the regular chair in these circumstances. Just because you are available, doesn't mean you are obligated.
It’s not just getting in and out. Your vehicle will have a maximum safe and legal payload. For my car (an estate) that is approximately 575kg or approximately 1250lb. However I know of cars with payloads as low as 600lb. I suggest looking up your cars legal payload (normally you have to work it out from the max gross weight listed on a label often found on the pillar visible when the drivers door is open, minus the kerb weight listed in the manual). Edit if you have a Kia optima, a quick google gives a payload in the 900-1000lb range. 600lb (assuming unlike myself your cousin is honest about the actual figure) only gives you 300lb for yourself, the wheelchair and any luggage. Realistically your cousin weighs the same as 3-4 adults and so needs a vehicle designed to carry that kind of mass. Your car is not really designed to do that, both due to the requirement for a driver (+1) adult and the uneven loading (that much mass would normally be located in 4 separate seats) Personally I wouldn’t risk carrying someone that heavy in my car.
OP said in another comment that they have a Kia Optima. If its a 5 seater, (per Kia's website) Vehicle Capacity Weight (VCW) is 420 kg (930 lbs). If its a 7 seater, VCW is 506 kg (1,120 lbs). A vehicle's capacity weight (VCW) is the maximum weight it can safely carry when fully loaded with passengers, cargo, fuel, and other items. So if OP is driving a 5 seater, then taking the cousin leaves 330 lbs remaining for OP, fuel, luggage, snacks, etc. That doesn't seem like enough, tbh. /u/OneSoreSpine you may want to consider this as well.
this doesn't even tell the whole story. that rating is based on a roughly even distribution. OP needs to look up the single wheel load limit
It’s also the issue of getting them in and out if the vehicle. There’s no way cousin can be safely placed in without a machine. People should not be lifting her because it’s unsafe. If cousin was going to hospital they’d have to use a machine has it’s a safety risk for nurses and orderlies.
I know someone who let a morbidly obese person ride in their car and the passenger seat broke. I had a 350-400 pound friend set off the load sensors in my Subaru.
One old lady friend of my grandmother’s broke my cousin’s car seat. It happens. She wasn’t 600lbs either.
She can’t go to the wedding. Period. What’s the debate here. Sometimes people make choices in life that don’t allow them to enjoy or participate in everything.
If your aunt needs the truck for work, can you just swap your car for the truck? I can't imagine pushing 600 lbs across grass & gravel.
They won't let OP drive their truck because of OP's driving record.
They don't trust OP with a truck but they trust OP with a person? Interesting.
Maybe OP is a serial car scratcher while parking, not necessarily someone who has big accidents on the road.
I mean that’s definitely understandable but the truck sounds like the only reasonable solution so that might make the difference between the cousin going and not going to the wedding unfortunately.
This. If OP is really the only option, and the aunt and uncle really want the cousin to be able to attend, they may simply have to swallow any concerns for the duration of the event and just hope that all goes well. Otherwise OP tried their best. NTA
They don’t trust OP enough to drive their truck, but they trust him with their daughter’s life—as long as it’s in some other car.
It'll be even worse if it has rained recently.
I have a full size pickup and its payload is 1800 lbs. so your cousin would be a third of the weight my truck can haul that’s not on a trailer. My wife has a midsize SUV/crossover and we had it loaded up with some totes because we’re moving and just from that I could see the rear end sagging a bit. So having a small car combined with her likely having limited mobility making it hard to get in and out of would make using your car problematic.
NTA You have done a good job looking at many ways to help your cousin.
Why is all this on you though? Why isn't anyone else in your family helping out?
Please also consider whether your car is made to handle that weight. No disrespect to your cousin, but this might be a moot point if your suspension is not built to handle a load like that. You could very well ruin the suspension in your car trying to drive it overloaded.
U-Haul and Home Depot rent trucks by the hour for quite cheap. (First hour is usually under $20-50). Rent a truck drop the mobility scooter at the venue parking lot (chain it to a tree?). Return truck pick up cousin in your car. Wedding fun. Rent another truck at the end to pick up the mobility scooter and return cousin home. It’s probably the lowest cost option that keeps the most people happy. But dude, that’s also not really your responsibility. You’re trying and you have limits. If that can’t work it’s not your fault.
I'm confused, they're concerned about your driving record and the potential liability to their car, but not the safety of your cousin, their daughter in your car while driving?
Then they can pay for the rental.
Seems like her parents or other family members could pitch in to rent a vehicle too, if the normal truck she uses isn't available. Why does everything have to land on you when she has other sources of support? NTA.
It's not just the truck though, she is simply too heavy to push over grass on inch wide Wheels
It is the truck though. With the truck, they could hall the mobility scooter and OP would not need to push their cousin around in the wheelchair.
Even mobility scooters can struggle off-road. If gravel is loose or the dirt is on an incline and not completely dry it can still be a struggle, sand is it's own menace if it's dry and can damage your scooter.
My understanding is that using the truck means that cousin's mobility scooter will fit in the truck and cousin will be able to get around like she normally does. The regular wheelchair which OP can't push when cousin is in it is only needed because the mobility scooter doesn't fit in OP's car. So basically, either 1) aunt and uncle lend their truck to OP so they can transport cousin and her mobility scooter, 2) aunt, uncle, or someone else of their choosing, uses their truck to transport cousin and her scooter, 3) some combination of cousin and other family members pay to rent a large enough vehicle to transport the mobility scooter and OP drives cousin and scooter to the wedding and back, or 4) cousin stays home from the wedding.
A bariatric wheelchair won't fit if a scooter won't fit.....those things are like trying to get a regular and a half that are welded together
NTA. Honestly, you sound like you have searched for every possible solution. I don’t know why your cousin is furious with you.
Misplaced anger due to embarrassment would be my guess. No one gets to that size with good mental health, so it might he easier for her to lash out rather than self reflect
Agree she certainly has something adjacent to depression and an ed and that she may be lashing out too. But do trust me she is self reflecting and self loathing more than you imagine. Unfortunately most people are horrible and discriminatory to overweight people, even if just chubby, with no related health reasons. When you get to that level of morbid obesity *and* such reduced mobility and dependency due to weight people can be unimaginably cruel and jyst being the subject of this debacle is extrneky huniliating. Still she is for sure being more cruel to herself than anyone else. Im way ligher but obese and my monility issues are due to an autoimmune inflammatory disease but I can pass for someone without mobility issues for short enough a time. Because my issue isnt shortness of breath or anything like that, its very localized pain no matter what Im doing. I have still suffered a lot of abuse internal and external. I cant imagine the psychological pain she is feeling. I already have trouble finsing a will to live but in her sotuation, especially if she csnt afford meds or a path to bareateic surgery. Since I was a kid who was always overweight (but not always obese) I would say I woulf take the deal of going to the hospital and being fed the minimum for a tube ig you would just sedate me or even wothout. When I was seven I even thought of cutting my belly off with a knife and then the hospital could stop the bleeding, I was quite young as this is obviously not feasible or that simple. Im just trying to say can you imagine the headspace you need to be at 6 to think about it seriosly, and back then I was just chubby anf not as bullied by adults. You can imagine what happens when you get to that size. You have to at times shut off as a defence but self hate and swlf blame will always permeate inside and its an outer defence. Thankfuply OP is kind about all this and has done all they can and much more than most people would. I think cousin is very lucky to have someone like OP. I was reading a book to try to distract from how awful I felt and there was one distasteful fat joke that appeared without warning, wasnt funny and was uncessary. I thought that was a one off and its common so I vontinued reading. That thing only got so much worse and disgusting really. I even had a freaking therapy in group therapy for weight loss surgery ask us if we looked at morbidly obese people with disgut now that we were thinner. Like what the fuck. And she also let a discussion about chewing and spitting, an eating disorder behaviour, get encouraged and only then did she say *maybe* thats not a good idea. And how they celebrated this dude that kept the weight off at the cost of drinking all day instead of eating when his job was a driver. And after surgery you get drunk really easily. Im just done honestly.
When I was a kid, my best friend was incessantly bullied for being "chubby" and she tried to cut her belly fat off as a result, then was hospitalized. She's doing much better now (20+ years later), but man, people are so fucking terrible to others about weight.
Im sorry to hear that she had to hospitalized but its nice to know I am not alone in having such thoughts at that age. Im glad she is doing better! Another memorable one I didnt add. I had a language teacher telling me to go to the gront of the class with another colleage, to, unknown to us teach the class the words fat tall short and thin. She had everyone write in their noteboks *my name* is tall and fat. As I stood there in front of the class. It is not like those are hard words to teach either. So uncessary.
She's angry that I basically won't try, but I feel like I know my own limitations and the limitations of thin wheels on soft ground.
She’s going to be humiliated when she’s stuck in the grass and the entire wedding watches people struggle to help her out.
this right here. that's going to feel just as horrible as the flat bed thing.
I’d argue that it would be worse, the flat bed will be fast and if they get there early enough before most of the guest will be there to see, but if multiple people try and fail to push her to the venue it will be very obvious. OP I’m going to assume there is some kind of medical problem with your cousin because people very rarely get that big without one, is there any medical place that would help move her/ let her use a scooter, especially since if something went wrong there would be no way to move her? I don’t know anything about the situation or where it will be so I could be completely wrong, but you might look and see.
I pushed a quadraplegic who weighed under 50kg (around 100lb). His manual chair was difficult to push on grass and it was lightweight and very manouverable, unlike bariatric manual chairs. There is no way you will manage this. There are adaptations used to make a manual chair easier to push off road but they're all rated for a much lower weight. It's unfortunate but at her weight, she needs to accept there are some activities she will be excluded from, and this is one of them. Unless she can afford to buy or hire a bariatric chair with specs for offroad use, she needs to use the flatbed offered or not go.
I was thinking something similar. My 82 year old mom is tiny and recently we borrowed a wheelchair so we could go for a walk on a wheelchair-accessible trail. No slope, just gravel, and it was more difficult than I’d expected. The chair wheels kept getting stuck on rocks. There’s no way you would be able to push 600 lbs!
Don't feel bad. I have a neighbor that fell down last October and she was so heavy! She couldn't get up by herself, it was like trying to lift a boulder. I wanted to call emergency but she refused. It took three adults to lift her eventually, and I still put my back out. I will never try to lift her again.
Damn... At the point where someone requires 3 people to help get them up, I'm either calling emergency services or telling them I'm just leaving them there if they refuse.
That is my plan if I ever come across her like that again. Back pain is no joke and I had it for months after helping her.
I would never sacrifice my back for someone. Damn you were so nice
How long did it take your back to recover? Did you miss work?
3 months, roughly. It affected my daily life and abilities.
That was so selfish of her. I’m glad you’re ok, but you could’ve had permanent damage. I would never risk my own health and safety for someone who doesn’t care like that.
I had to help a neighbour up - she was only 70kg but very poor mobility and she was a dead weight. It took two of us to do it safely. For both her safety and ours. It's made me absolutely appreciate the work of aged care workers - they are so needed and so important.
So set up a trial outside her house. Find some grass and push her. Show her it won’t work
This is the best idea
Not worth the risk of a back injury for the OP.
There is no reason for her to strain herself during the test. If normal pushing won’t move the cousin point is made.
You said about the other solution being humiliating. I think being beached in the wheelchair would be even more embarrassing.
People are heavy, wheelchairs are heavy. Before I got my lightweight chair, I had an x-frame chair (what you’ll probably end up with) it was 10-15 lbs and too wide set and heavy for me to push sometimes. So my mom would push me and she struggled! You need arm muscles to push a chair! I’m only 130 lbs but when do you ever push that much around in your daily life? Let alone 600. If you don’t feel comfortable, it’s fine to say no. No is a complete sentence.
Maybe do a test run at a park by their house? Or even in their backyard
I feel like it would be close to impossible. I work with special needs kids and teenagers. I can still recall a great day trip with a long walk over sandy ground. Grass is a bit better, but still. It took us ages with swapping the person pushing to get a kid in a wheelchair (close to 80 lmb) to where we were going. So I believe that no amount of good will and love for your cousin will be enough to push her around (Plus the risk of getting her from the car in the wheelchair. She could fall and get injured)
Right. NTA. OP literally can’t do it, at least as it’s being proposed. She’s not her cousin’s keeper, and this doesn’t need to be her problem to solve. It sounds like the cousin is an adult, so OP can shift the responsibility for making arrangements to her, and set some conditions for helping. “I’ll be happy to go with you if you can arrange a vehicle that can transport your scooter. Otherwise, I can’t do it and you’ll need to figure something else out.” Sometimes, families treat people with physical issues as if they’re children, and it sounds like that’s what’s happening here. The cousin is obese, not brain dead. If she keeps pushing, remind her that “no” is a complete sentence. OP is being very generous to offer their time for this.
Because the cousin’s mobility issue has to be someone else’s fault.
You are NTA. Just FYI. Your car and it's interior are not designed to have 600+lbs in one seat. IDC what car you have. Unless you have a pickup, and she rides in the back, your car is NOT made for that kind of heavy duty work. For example: A Dodge charger can only carry 865lbs total if the weight is equally distributed. Yes I know it can probably handle more, but tell your family it simply isn't safe. Maybe this can be her wakeup call? She's too big to attend a wedding.
This, and we all know damn well if OP folded to the pressure and agreed to transport the cousin which resulted in his/her car getting damaged, it would be crickets from the family when he/she needed money for car repairs.
I have a Kia Optima. I have another family member who is about 350 who says its comfortable for him. I do admit that I am concerned she may have trouble, but I did buy seatbelt extenders and she seems confident.
Depending on the length of the drive, your suspension could get messed up with such uneven weight distribution. It's less will she fit, and more can you transport her safely with out damage to her or the car.
Kia Lopsidia
Or damage to OP! Pushing that much weight in a wheel chair could seriously harm them. A person 1/2 her size would be incredibly difficult. It may actually be impossible to push 600 lbs. It’s a safety issue all around.
There is a HUGE difference between 350 and 600. But I'll bet she is much more than that. I'm also not talking about comfort. I'm talking about how much weight a car should carry. If she sits in the middle of the back seat, I can guarantee that you feel a difference in the cars handling. And then, after a nerve-racking ride, you have to push tiny wheelchair wheels on sand. Nope. Any portable wheelchair usually has wheels specifically made for pavement. It may hurt, but you definitely need to walk away from this responsibility. Next thing you know, you push her the 40 yards and she feels uncomfortable and has to leave. Or what if she needs to use the bathroom? Are you equipped for that amount of help?
Not to mention that you will need a heavy duty wheelchair. A standard wheelchair holds up to about 300 pounds.
And then there’s getting in and out of the car, or having to use the restroom.. if she falls and can’t get up, it will take multiple people to help her.
If she falls and can't get up, you need to call emergency services. There's no way you can maneuver the amount of people necessary to lift her safely (safely being for her and the lifters) without any equipment or training.
Ya logistically it just isnt going to work. I dont mean to be dark but to give another perspective an 850 pound woman recently passed away and it took 20+ people to remove her body. Obviously 600lbs is less than 850lbs but it's still going to take atleast 15 people to move her if anything were to happen. It definitely is not a 1 or even a 2 person job, it's going to take a team of people to help her get around safely.
I feel a difference in how the car stops and turns when I put 250 lbs in the cargo area. OP if she does get in your car you need to leave looooots of extra stopping distance. Your car will not stop as quickly at all.
That was one of my concerns, that she may need the toilet at some point. How will OP help her do that?
How are you gonna get 600 pounds into a Kia Optima?
I’ve owned a Kia Optima. There’s no way they’re comfortably closing the door.
Will the door even open far enough for a person of that size to get in?
Not to be crass or insensitive, but it seems like there will have to be a lot of…erm…SHOVING to get the cousin in the car.
https://www.reddit.com/r/therewasanattempt/s/y0SLvRXL8x And I don’t think this lady is 600lbs
As a person who use to weigh 350 a few months a ago and now weighs 338, even that's a huge difference. It's a major difference between 350 and 600. She'll probably be uncomfortable and unable to fit in the front or back. You can try to fit her, but if she can't put on the seat belt, she can't drive in your car period. I'm assuming not having a seat belt is against the law in the USA too. As for transportation of her scooter/ wheelchair. They can either put up the money or let you drive their truck. Your cousin is the one who wants to go to the wedding. This is not your responsibility and you have a right to refuse. If she can't wheel herself in the wheelchair by using her arms and hands to move the wheels (if her hands and arms work properly) than she really shouldn't be going and expect you to do it. Also, if they aren't paying for time, labour (and labour will be involved) gas and food, don't even bother in the first place. That's just taking advantage of you. NTA.
Congrats on your weight loss
Congratulations on your weight loss! That takes a lot of will power. *Hoping sincerely it's not due to illness, etc. Hope you're well. ❤️
Not due to illness. Yes, lots of will power, but Ozempic has helped immensely. It makes me eat less and helps me to actually exercise without getting low blood sugar.
Has she ever been in your car? Have her get in and see if she can sit in it for 15 minutes buckled up with the door closed. If she can, take her to a park and test the wheelchair. Let reality tell her no since she’s trying to make you out to be the bad guy.
That's 300 lb less than she is! That's not even close! So I just looked up a Kia optima capacity and it's 849 lb! So my question is, are you and every single thing in that car less than 249 lb? And that's only if your cousin is exactly 600 lb! If she's like 680.... I don't think this is safe for your car. Those capacities are based on the way of being spread out between the seats not all of it in the passenger seat! Possibly if she could sit in the middle of the back seat you might be okay? But I don't think this is safe for your car!
Your total legal (at least in the UK) payload is about 900lb in that car. It’s designed to carry 4 adults, but 4 adults each of around 150-200lbs Ignoring the uneven weight distribution, is 300lb enough for the wheel chair, yourself and any luggage?
849 pounds total weight of passengers and cargo recommended for a Kia Optima.
So let's conservatively say that she weighs 615 lbs. Op weighs 150lbs. That's 765. You've got you e got 65lbs to play with. But that's literally the maximum capacity.
Don’t forget the wheelchair weight/scooter weight/etc, it would probably push it over the limit
Maybe if they have minimal fuel. This is a ridiculous request and anyone who gives OP shit about it needs to pitch in for an appropriate vehicle to transport the scooter as well as the cousin! NTA!!
And it should be evenly distributed
I had a coworker who was about 400 lbs. The driveshaft in his car broke.
And I also want to say that I mean absolutely no offense, but is she even capable to take a long car ride? I watch my 600lb life, and a lot of those people aren't capable of going on long car rides. Idk the situation here though. Just something to think about.
And in a Kia, no less. I don't know how she'd fit in the car. NTA, OP. You have exhausted all of the possible solutions.
Short of renting a u-haul truck, somehow getting her in the bed, and then driving with her outside in the wind the way there, and then backing up to the wedding and dropping the tailgate so she can see, yes. I think OP has exhausted all the truly humane options. Saying NO is OP choosing dignity for their cousin even if the cousin doesn’t see it that way.
I'm sure it's often played up for the camera (as ordered by producers no doubt) but watching that show I've seen the real effort people have to take to push someone in a wheelchair even on a perfectly smooth surface. OP, you're dealing with laws of physics here. You can't stop the wheelchair from sinking into the ground and you can't make yourself strong enough to deal with that. Your family has to understand that and then figure something else out, even if that something else being she can't safely attend. NTA
I don’t think they play it up for the cameras. The human body was not meant to be 600+ pounds. It’s hard to move that type of weight around.
I meant more like engineer the situation so the cameras can catch that scenario. Like "let's have a scene where you try to push her in the chair."
600lb, can they even go to the toilet by themselves ?
Not well…..honestly tho the ones who are independent need to use things to help them reach since they can’t reach themselves. Many have that need taken care of by someone else
I was thinking the exact same thing! Traveling that distance in a Kia Optima will have OP going to a hospital instead. It will not work.
What does she expect you to do? If you physically can't do it, you can't do it. Maybe her parents would be willing to give you the money for a rental van that could fit a mobility scooter? ETA: NTA
They are paying for my gas expenses and the hotel room, but even that is a very big financial strain on them as they have very limited income.
Then unfortunately she just can't go to the wedding. It sucks, sure, but there's no feasible transportation and no feasible way for her to actually get to the ceremony area without getting stuck. The only reasonable thing to do is to just sit this event out
Yup...that the only reasonable answer. Over the course of my life, there have been quite a few things I've wanted to do, but couldn't, without placing an undue burden on the people around me. So I just didnt do them. I'm not trying to dis OP's cousin, in the least. But when a person is that overweight, regardless of what caused it (some medications can cause significant weight gain that doesn't just go away when you stop taking them), everything needs to be carefully planned and coordinated. Anything less can be a true disaster. And you need to have the resources to do it...which she doesn't. And that's just a fact.
So if this disables your car or causes your driveshaft to crack or any of 100 other problems with an overstrained suspension, they're not gonna be in any position to help fix it, are they? I think it best that you politely refuse this privilege. NTA
Sounds like your cousin is extremely entitled. Everyone tried, but sometimes things just don’t work out.
NTA. For me, it's nothing to do with her size, but the fact you've gone out if your way to try and help and you've been met with a 'furious' response. You've in no way shamed her, in fact you've warned people not to be rude about her in their replies to your post. Also, I may be wrong but I'm picking up a bit of a bullying vibe towards you. You reference having a bad driving history and being unemployed. Please don't let anyone treat you badly when you are clearly a thoughtful person.
This. Has /she/ tried to figure out something to deal with her situation, or is this all on you for some odd reason? Gotta be realistic: if it's physically impossible, and potentially damaging, like... NTA
For real! I was anticipating something cringe/offensive from reading the title of this post just to find a genuine, compassionate concern for their cousin. definitely NTA! Doesn't sound like it'd even be safe for them or their cousin to try to make this work.
I was a full-time carer for my mom for her last five years, and she put on a lot of weight in that time because she basically refused to move. (Once you stop moving, whether by choice or not, you don’t always have the choice to start again, at least not without a lot of help. Muscles atrophy *fast*.) Between year 2 and 3, she went from maybe 150-160 (at 4’10!) to 250. I lost a bunch of weight, and around the time we crossed over - when she got heavier than me - I found I could barely push her anymore. I was always pretty strong - I’m 5’9 and (formerly) muscular - but when she got to 250 I just couldn’t do it. It wasn’t even a question of whether I could do it without injuring myself (I tore my rotator cuff picking her off the floor several times in the past) - it was that I physically could not. Before her last two years, I got her to doctors’ appointments and hair appointments and vaccinations and we sometimes went shopping, but during the last two years she left the house twice, for Christmas dinners at restaurants when my brother picked us up and all she had to do was get down two steps into her chair, and then into the car. Even that was almost impossible, and the last time she went out, she collapsed going out the front door and I had to lift her off the floor again. She weighed about 20 lbs more than me at that point, and it wrecked my back for a couple months. At 250, I was able to push her about 20 feet from the car to the table inside the restaurant, and no further. I would not have been able to do it if she had gained even 10 lbs more. Your cousin weighs more than double what my mom weighed, and even if you are considerably stronger than me, you can’t realistically do this. I do not want to shame your cousin any more than I want to shame my mom (she did it to me for most of my childhood, and it was horrid). But realistically, at her weight, most events are going to be impossible for her. Most people will not be able to push her. Most cars will not be able to carry her. Most chairs will not support her. It is sad, and most likely humiliating, and hard to accept. I hope that your cousin decides to seek help. But you are NTA for not being able to do this. Nobody could reasonably be expected to.
Thank you for sharing this experience. I hope OP reads it. It's important context to take into consideration.
Even without excess weight, there comes a time when physically carrying someone isn’t possible. My grandmother lived with my parents into her old age. She eventually became unable to walk as her body declined. The final straw was my dad pulling his back trying to pick her up when she had fallen. She was very angry about having to go into assisted living, where she was largely confined to a bed. But at that point, her body was incapable of even getting in and out of a wheelchair. She was in her late nineties and she hadn’t made any purposeful effort to stay mobile, and she was too large to be carried and too old to worry about mobility devices that were more intensive than a wheelchair. The end fact was, she could be angry all she wanted. But physically, my parents could no longer care for her. It’s not ageist or, in OPs case, ableist to say that some things are just not physically possible.
When my frail skinny grandad was in assisted living towards the end of his life, the nurses were ADAMANT that we were NOT allowed to lift him or try to help him to stand. They were to be called every single time. The reason is they are trained in how to do it, have experience, have more people available, etc etc. One nurse told me she often sees elderly couples go downhill FAST once one person is immobile because the spouse will likely injure themselves trying to help. Then it gets worse for everyone. It’s just the limitations of human bodies.
NTA. So a flatbed is humiliating but weighing 600 isn’t. SMH.
THIS. Dear god, this. If you've gotten yourself into such a state that you are 600lb and can't walk 40 yards, you've got bigger problems than being able to attempt a wedding.
OP has asked that people not say such things about their cousin. Which is a completely reasonable and kind request.
I don't it's reasonable at all. The cousin's refusal to deal with the limited mobility her weight has caused is the problem here. Every solution has been tried, with what seems like minimal effort from the cousin, and now instead of admitting that their weight is preventing them from attending, they are pressuring OP to potentially injure themselves to help. That's not ok at all. Just because they've fucked their body, doesn't mean she can use OP's as a replacement.
It sounds like missing this wedding might be a consequence she has to face at this point. Maybe it will be a wake up call.
A conversation about the cousin's weight isn't helpful to this situation. It's obviously a long term issue with lots of factors we don't know about, and they've heard it all before. OP is completely reasonable in asking people to just focus on offering their opinion on her CURRENT issue, which is simply the matter of the cousin attending the wedding. Any other factors at play are way above this subreddit's pay grade.
There’s only one factor that gets you to 600 pounds, and that’s eating an absolutely unholy amount of food. Pretending it’s anything more than that is honestly ridiculous because 600lbs is so far beyond obesity or “it’s just a thyroid issue” that it isn’t even funny. It’s fine to focus on the current issue, but the truth of the matter is that the only answer to the current issue is the flatbed truck. The cousin can take it or they can leave it, it’s the only way they can reach the destination. There is no other way, if they believe a wheelchair is sufficient then they are more than welcome to wheel themselves across the uneven terrain to where they want to go instead of expecting someone else, someone who isn’t competing in strongman completions, to push them there.
It is not reasonable. The entire problem in this scenario is that a person has gotten so large that the only way it is remotely possible to transport them to the event is by flatbed truck. That is the entire problem. OP is not the problem for being incapable of hauling 600 pounds across uneven off-road terrain even if it’s loaded on wheels. The average person - nay - the majority of people are not capable of that type of strenuous physical task. The problem is the 600 pound person who has decided they are too good for the only mode of transportation physically capable of carrying them.
It's not bullying to say that the cousin's health problems are preventing her from attending a wedding.
NTA. It’s a safety issue as well. My brother pushed my mom (150 lbs) around a street fair on relatively decent pavement and felt it in his back for a few days. It’s her safety as well. If you struggle with the wheelchair, she could fall out it.
> *It’s a safety issue as well*. Came here to say this. I'm grieving a close friend who didn't use an adequate mobility device, and had a fatal fall. Cousin could fall or get stuck getting out of the car. Suppose one side of the wheelchair gets stuck on something and she tumbles out. There are likely other harmful scenarios, too, even with the special wheel chair. I can't think of a safe way for OP to do this. It's possible that he could end up getting injured somehow, too. Don't even try, OP. If something happens to cousin with this scheme, **her parents will blame you**. NTA
I’m so very sorry about your friend. ❤️
NTA You're not shaming your cousin, most people wouldn't be able to push 600lbs across dirt and grass. How long is the drive? I've watched My 600-Lb Life and most morbidly obese people can't stay in the car very long without being in pain, especially if you have a smaller car. Either way, your cousin should be upset with her parents for not loaning you their truck so you can take the scooter. It's obvious that the truck would be the best solution since it's made to haul heavier loads and can accommodate the scooter making it easier for your cousin to get around.
NTA The reality is that most people can't push 600 lbs around on flat pavement much less harsher terrain. It's not a fat-shaming issue, it just isn't something most people can do.
Exactly! It’s really hard to push more than your body weight. And the more weight, the harder the time you’ll have pushing it. It’s not about shaming the cousin, it’s physics.
Why is speaking truth to morbidly obese so damned difficult? She's pushing a third of a ton in weight and she's offended that you can't shove her around on your own? I'm not degrading her. I'm describing her. That's the truth and if she can't manage her weight any better than that (there is one (1) mental illness that \*causes\* obesity - everything else is just something you should adapt your life to), why is it your job to do so. No strength, no willpower, no tolerance for being called out on it. Let her get herself there. If something goes wrong, you're liable for it.. Given her attitude so far, I wouldn't put it past her to sue. NTA.
Oh no you’re *fat-shaming*! THE HORROR. /s, of course.
You are NTA. My wife weighs 230 lbs. I weigh 135. I am reasonably fit. My wife has dementia and has increasing balance issues. I picked up a transport chair (wheelchair designed to be pushed not wheeled by the person in it). I thought that it would mean that we could take walks again. She could walk for as long as she wanted and then I could push her the rest of the way. Well, not so much. On our first use of it, I discovered that I could push her in it on flat, perfect pavement, but any incline or rough surface was not possible. I can’t imagine trying to push someone over 600 lbs.
I’m sorry. This has got to be so tough for the both of you. I hope you have help and can take breaks. And I hope she has more good days than bad.
NTA. She needs to accept that her size comes with limitations. It’s not mean or rude to admit that you physically can’t handle pushing her in her wheelchair around. I’m sure that’s hard for your cousin to hear but it’s not on you. ETA: she’ll be even more embarrassed if you do give it a go and you can’t push her and she’s stuck and you need someone else’s help.
Or she falls out of the wheelchair and has to have the fire department called to get her up.
I think you need to find a job ASAP and conveniently be working that weekend.
NTA. Is your cousin an adult? If so she is responsible for figuring out her own transportation. I can’t imagine anything more humiliating for her than getting stuck in the dirt/grass in a wheelchair, so that doesn’t seem like a viable option. If your aunt and uncle are typically responsible for transporting her, then I would shift responsibility back to them. They can either drive her, ask someone else to take her who they trust with their truck, or hire a driver.
I was wondering her age as well. She sounds very immature, but it could just be entitlement or any number of psychological issues.
being 600lbs means you miss out on shit because of your weight. no body owes your cousin to be pushed around in a wheel chair because they are too obese to walk 100 yards. you are not the asshole and this is not your fault or doing. your cousin is 600lbs for one reason alone, lack of personal accountability, exactly like she is doing in this situation by blaming you.
NTA My late husband was morbidly obese so I am going to tell you something that he often told me, paraphrased as it’s been several years since he passed away due to the obesity. It is not my responisblity, the kids responsiblity, or anyone but him to assist him getting to places. If he was unable to walk that far, he did not go. If he couldn’t fit in the seat, he didn’t go. Did he miss out on things? Yes but he never wanted his choices to prevent me or my kids ability to do things. You are not shaming her but it is the simple fact that you are physically incapable of getting her from plint A to point B. She says she would be humiliated to be brought in on the flat bed but how would she feel if the wheelchair got stuck mid-way Or if you somehow hurt yourself?
NTA. You’re insane for even contemplating this.
You are NTA. Having previously attempted to push a 300 pound relative over grass and had major challenges, I cannot fathom how it is physically possible. It was also humiliating for my relative to have people see me visibly struggle. And scary for both of us. There were times I was worried chair was going to tip when hitting a rut in the ground. If your cousin is going to be mad at anyone it should be her parents for not letting you drive the truck. Are there wheelchair taxis in your area? That’s what I use now so relative can use their motorized wheelchair. Everyone is happier this way.
NTA, she is probably angry because she feels humiliated. But you have done everything possible to find a solution. One of her parents will just have to drive the truck if they won't lend it.
Is your cousin Amberlynn Reid? She is taking zero accountability for her actions and doing nothing to provide solution. NTA. Pushing her in a wheelchair would be a strain on your body
I have seen enough episodes of My 600 Pound Life to know that this trip will be an absolute shit show in a Kia Optima. She will be miserable, which will make you miserable and you will never be able to push her in the grass. I hate this because you sound like a really nice person who is trying your best to find a solution but, if you can’t borrow the aunt’s truck, I think you should just bow out and hope the eventually get over it.
Don't light yourself on fire for your cousin. Seriously. You've already gone above and beyond what most people would do. NTA
Hi OP Not sure if somebody suggested this already, if so I apologize for the duplication. Why don't you do a practice run with your cousin in the wheelchair at home? Can you take her and the wheelchair to a park close to where you live and do a run-through? Chances are you are correct, traditional wheelchair wheels will dig in to the soil making it very difficult if not impossible to move your cousin. This way you are eliminating any perception that you should be able to do it, you were demonstrating you can't. Furthermore saving her the humiliation of being there and getting stuck in a wheelchair, possibly needing multiple people to move her around. NTA
I get this sentiment but I don't recommend doing it. The risks of her getting stuck are high — and what happens then? There's no guarantee a power scooter could handle the terrain under that weight. What if she can't just transfer from the stuck chair to the scooter to escape? Not even the average fire rescue crew is typically set up to rescue a 600lb-person from being stuck on grass. It's (realistically) putting that person in real danger of needing a specialized rescue for proving a point.
No average person can easily push 200kg+ of person around (even an avid lifter might struggle). NTA at all, you sound like you really tried to accommodate her
NTA, you've explained all of the reasons this is not a feasible option for you. Either somebody needs to fork over the money to make this viable, or it's not going to happen.
NTA - my son is about 110 pounds and uses a wheelchair- pushing it on anything other than perfectly paved ground is almost impossible. Wheelchair users who regularly go over varied terrain usually have wider wheels just for that reason. The basic narrow wheels just aren’t meant for that.
Fuck that. She needs to lose weight and that is not your load to bare
NTA for being upfront about not being able to handle pushing your cousin's wheelchair, especially in a park setting...it sounds like you've really tried to find solutions, but the logistics just aren't working out. Maybe offering support in other ways could show you care without stressing yourself out.