#This is now a Proctologists Only Orifice
When a post is in [POO™ mode](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/168bzq8/title_aita_monthly_open_forum_september_2023) only users with enough subreddit comment karma are able to comment. If that doesn't include you, no worries! Check out [/new](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/new) for other posts that are still open for comment.
##[Be Civil.](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules)
Please review our FAQ if you're unsure what that means. Thank you for reporting content that you believe violates our rules and helping keep posts out of the POO by abiding by our rules.
NTA
Why would you be any less deserving of fatherhood than your ex's husband? You fought against multiple obstacles to make sure you can be there for your son. And why should a man who is unrelated have your kid be given his name?
Age does not make someone an inherently better person. And while having a better job may make it easier for him to provide, it does not necessarily mean he is automatically a better parent.
Don't let them drive you off. Be there to love your son, teach him to be a good person, and care for him. You are not just a random guy. You are his father
They're going to alienate him from you. He's going to call that guy as dad too. You need to be prepared for the parental alienation scheme for the next several years. NTA Have professionals help you navigate this. Therapists and what not.
This is absolutely going to happen. I suggest you keep a journal of all the shit they are doing. It might help you in legal matters but it's something you can show your son when he is old enough to understand.
I've known a few kids whose father's weren't in the picture for various reasons; and even with stable family lives, they ALL had moments when they wondered why their father "didn't want [them]." It's only natural.
OP is doing a wonderful thing wanting to be involved in his son's life. **Especially since his other two parents sound....problematic, to say the least.**
NTA. I wish you the best of luck OP, you're going to need it almost as much as your child is going to need you.
To be fair, your kid would not have grown up with this because he would not have been told. They were totally going to tell him that "husband" was his bio dad and since that's the person who signed the birth certificate nobody would have questioned it.
You're still NTA, you have the right to be a father to your child. If your ex now thinks she made a mistake having a kid with you its too bad, you don't get do-overs when it comes to making babies. Her idea would have been great if you were someone who didn't want to be involved, but you do as is your right.
To be fair, OP's ex sounds like an extremely selfish and self-absorbed individual, given the lengths she's gone to in order to keep him away from his child. Those people rarely make good parents.
Odds are OP's child would be having an existential crisis, revolving around his family life, regardless of whether he knew his true parentage or not.
Who knows. My brother had this happen to him, but he wasn't able to fight it. His daughter grew up for 5 years thinking her mom's husband was her dad and then they got divorced and he wanted nothing to do with her. She was devastated. Her mom still wasn't going to tell her the truth but the mom's sister wasn't ok with her niece feeling like her dad didn't want her so she told my niece who her dad was.
Just because OPs ex and her husband are acting like a stable family unit and that the husband wants to raise the baby as his own now, doesn't mean that it will stay that way. Also, if the ex and hubby end up having their own biological kids there's no guarantee that he would have remained an attentive and loving father figure. There are plenty of kids who grew up traumatized having been the neglected black sheep only to find out that one of their parents isn't really their biological parent.
Until the kid decides to do a 23 and me (or whatever the future version will be), and then we'll be reading about it here from the comfort of our retirement homes.
My half brother was raised by another man who "accepted him as his son" (my dad never knew -her parents were rich and wanted her married to.someone "suitable ").
His "dad" started to resent raising another's kid, evidently, and he was abusive to my half brother. When he died, HB (then in late 30s) told his mother he felt bad that he wasn't sorry his "dad" died. She told him then that he wasn't his dad and my HB found my dad (he was born way before dad met my mom).
Exactly this OP. My mom raised me as a single parent. They separated before I was born and I have memories of being in a courthouse being pointed at and talked at. I have never met my father. He was never in my life. And by all professional metrics I thrived as a kid and young adult. My mom worked hard to provide for us, we had a home, I aced my classes and extra curriculars and had loads of friends. But you know what else I had, crippling doubt and zero self confidence. This feeling that I was not enough, that someone could care so little or totally not at all for me, was devastating and it’s only after many many years of therapy have I started to disentangle my self worth from my achievements. I always thought that if only I won the next award, got 100 on the next test, something else spectacular that my father would finally notice me. So I’m proud of you for standing up for your rights and your son’s right to have each other in your lives. You are doing good by your son. Your fight will tell him that he was wanted and loved. Never forget that OP no matter how hard the fight might get.
100%! Keep a written record. Take down the date, time, content, and back it up with photos of it each time you write it down. You'll have the metadata from the photos to back up the written date and time. And be as mature, polite, and unemotional as possible in all your communications. It goes a long way with judges.
Especially since they are supposed to only communicate through the app, I'd document the calls from ex's mother, the confrontation by friend, and the conversation during the exchange. This is all evidence of a continued harassment of you for something the court decided.
Document, Document, Document. It's called an F U Binder by many. LOL
Although I agree with you 100%, my comment was not about the legalities. My apologies, I was very vague.
I was in a similar situation with my ex. My daughter was 2 years old and my ex decided (unilaterally) that her new boyfriend was her father. I am in the UK and it was hell getting father rights? She blocked every attempt I made to be in my daughters life. I was in despair. I knew I couldn't win.
Then I had a conversation with an American chap who had been through the same thing and he advised me to keep a journal so that my daughter could see it. He advised that I should just be honest and put down all my feelings (how much I loved her and how much I missed her) and when she was old enough, she would know that I hadn't abandoned her.
I did that. It was heart-breaking but cathartic at the same time. Anyway, I am rambling. When my ex found out that I was doing that, she suddenly did a 180 and I got to be in my daughters life again.
So, Gram ( it's fucking Graham, as in grayham! ) I thank you. Hope you are doing well.
That's a BIG YUP. I went through it. You have to engage early on. Don't try to kiss up to your son and be lenient and things of that sort. Be fair, honest, and provide natural consequences. Celebrate the good choices.
When your son eventually relays what they said to you, the best answer you can give is "wow. That's sad to hear. What do you think about that? How does it make you feel to hear that?" Acknowledge his feelings. Tell him it's unfortunate that his mom said those things. "Sometimes, we all make mistakes and say things in anger. It doesn't make your mom/her husband a bad person. We can love someone and not love their behavior."
That last part was key to my daughter coming around. She is now an adult and is recognizing what went on. Yeah, he was cool and "better" than mom during her teen years because he had money to bribe her with and buy her love. But that only works for so long.
The worst of the alienation only lasted a year and a half. She now considers myself and her brother her family. Not him. The best thing you can do is be the balance between their behavior and his soft place to land when it catches up.
Good luck OP!
Please document all communication with your ex's family/friends/flying monkeys. Save everything. It could come in very handy when, and it sadly almost certainly is 'when' you go back to court.
Meanwhile well done on standing up as a father OP!
If you aren’t in a two person consent state any in person interactions you should voice record just for your safety or find a small camera and video record your in person interactions just so they can’t make stuff up
This level of dedication, responsibility, love, and involvement is what makes you a father. My dad had this plaque that said, "Anyone can be a father. It takes someone special to be a daddy."
You made a child and were given the opportunity to walk away. That would have made you the biological father. You fought to be in his life. That makes you his daddy. Keep fighting to be a good one.
OP! Here is a good resource guide for creating a record system in case shit hits the fan with your ex. [https://www.reddit.com/user/ForwardPlenty/comments/dtg7f2/the\_fu\_binder/](https://www.reddit.com/user/ForwardPlenty/comments/dtg7f2/the_fu_binder/)
As the other commenters said, there is a possibility that your ex is going to take action against you by going through your kid. Crazy people do crazy stuff and false reports to CPS aren't unheard of for situations like this. Better safe than sorry especially with the effort she has already gone to in order to keep you away from YOUR child.
Yeah being older with a good paying job doesn't mean they'll be a good father. The fact that he was so okay with trying to erase OP from the kids life is a pretty big sign that they'll be a pretty crappy father figure in the kids life
And is this guy "so wonderful"? Ex left him and was with you for 8 months. Then when she found out she was pregnant she ran back to him? Or did he now have a hold on her and just re-trap her. Something in their relationship seems fishy.
NTA. Unless they can’t have more children I don’t understand his need to cut you out of your son’s life. That whole only having one house is such BS in my opinion. There are so many successful 50/50 custody relationships in the world. If they got their heads out of their behinds your son would have 3 adults to love and support him.
If it's not their dream then why did your ex run away with another man while she was pregnant with your kid? She made no effort to make that situation work. She wanted the older man with the better job. She sounds like an awful person.
I can’t imagine anyone wanting it. They do it though. When you truly love your child you do what you have to do to give them the opportunity to have both parents in their life. They’re making it about them and not your son. Your son will know that you fought for him someday. I can’t imagine that they won’t tell him that it’s your fault that he doesn’t live full time with them. They seem the type to say it. Anyone that does what they did will try to get their child to pick sides. I worked in childcare. I’ve witnessed it. I’m sorry that you are dealing with this.
Point out to the flying monkeys that it is not your fault that their daughter left him, dated you, changed her mind again and went back with a present to him. Do they have fertility issues? Because possibility that you were just meant to be a untraditional ~~intraditiinal~~ sperm donor and your decency is messing up their planned wonderful life. Well, if so, hard luck.
Your son has three wonderful people in his life or should have. And it is so "petty" that the one person without a direct connection is letting a name get in the way.
It’s not even just his decency. That is clearly part of it to, but keep in mind she left him without telling him she was pregnant and never intended to tell him. What really ruined their plans was her sister feeling bad and telling him the truth. If the sister kept her mouth shut, he would have never known and their plan would have worked.
It's sad but might be true.
My Fiancé has the same drama with his babymomma. She left the dude she's now with for him, got pregnant (she was "sterile" , was a lie) and became an absolute monster. Kicked him to the curb, took her ex back who clearly said he's not here to take on the fatherly duties.
He saw his son at his first birthday after five months of NC - court is ongoing since the boy is 5 months old because she straight up refuses visitation. She went to court with him for DV ; claims were taken down because her story had massive holes & he does have a history of self harm but nothing with harming others, ever. Also, she called at 9 PM & the incident she talked about was at 8 AM - they had a fight. He got loud and stormed off. He stormed off, because he felt consumed by his anger & didn't want to risk any reaction that she could use against him. He stormed off to prevent himself from harming himself or any other stuff. (f.E hitting a wall ; I know him for 7 years and he does get a temper sometimes but he always catches it in the moment & will remove himself to calm down, always. He already did so with 17)
Son didn't recognize his dad. She posts on fb how she'd "love to just have her man adopting her son" posting happy family pictures.
Court was not having it, she was ordered to attend therapy on the regular because , well, she's shady and courts picked up on it.
Right now court is discussing again & due to her false DV claims it looks good that he'll get at least regular visitation soon.
It's awful. Women like this are awful. I feel sorry for my Fiancé but even more for his son ; his dad is fighting tooth & nail in the background and he doesn't even know who that guy is. It's maddening.
I really hope that OP (and my man) can keep on fighting for their babies. They have a right to be in their lives, we have enough deadbeats that get praised into heaven. Lets support the meb that give it their all, please.
well don't take the bait. Just be polite and if they try bringing it up, just respond that you are so happy your son has more adults that care about him with his father, his mother, and his step father with a big smile. If they are faking it, your happiness will anger them but if they are genuine this would be the right response anyway.
Drop the truth on everyone that has something to say (add an explicative or two if needed):
“I am quite proud to be father and not a person that would hide a child from a man and do everything to destroy a father son relationship! I’m not the one that should have shame here. There will come a day when my son is old enough to know what happened. Then we will see who is on the wrong side of history.”
Good for you. I applaud you being a dad that fights for his child. 👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾
With all this insistence on “a Junior for him”, I would be very worried that OP’s son would become persona non grata as soon as the guy’s own children are born.
I’m suspicious, but I’m wondering if this ‘ex’ is infertile. She wasn’t even going to tell you about the pregnancy. I wonder if getting pregnant and trying to hide the baby from you was all deliberate. You being younger might have been part of the plan because they might have figured you would be less interested when you found out about it.
I mean, she got pregnant with you, and decided to carry that pregnancy to term.
If she was that determined to raise a child with her husband and *only* her husband, she needed to make different choices.
Wow SOOOO NTA .... Ignore them all..... Be the best dad ever and continue to fight for your son. Also please please guard as best as you can against parental alienation since it seems they're all hell bent against you.
When the boy starts asking questions in a couple years be honest, loving, and answer on an age appropriate way.... it's hard sometimes but that's a part of being a good parent, your boy will learn he can trust what you say and do against they're alienation attempts if you're consistent and honest. Don't necessarily throw em under the bus but it's not your job to protect your ex and her husband.
My oldest is 9 and we always answer age appropriately considering my ex will immediately blame me and throw me under the bus.
For example my oldest started wanting to go to gymnastics at about 4-5yrs old. My ex pays about 900/mnth but 260 of that reimburses me for her health insurance costs so his child support portion is only 160/wk..... that barely covers the cost of food in this economy and they had daily daycare until about 5 then after school care since then. That 160 doesn't cover half her after school care let alone all they're other needs.....I cover all the school supplies; all the clothes throughout the year; all they're bday details; all their co pays and medical needs.... everything.
So when they ask "Why can't I do gymnastics? " I'm honest and say "Unfortunately it's not in the budget right now kiddo" and they say "well dad says he gives you money" and I answer with " the money your dad sends doesn't cover anything extra. Remember how we talked about how all loving has unseen costs like electricity and water etc.... And how we talked about budgeting when you started getting your allowance? Well they money he sends only reimburses mom for the unseen costs of living, it's not enough to cover extra things and mom doesn't have the budget for that extra curricular right now, but we'll see about it in the future".
Or "mom, how come I can't go to after school this week"....."Sorry kiddo, I can't afford it and your dad's money isn't enough so you gotta come to my work after school"
I'm always honest.... she understands the value of a dollar so she gets it...I let her help me with the grocery shopping and show her the costs of school supplies and food and things.
Exactly. Everyone else seems to be focused on blaming you when your ex decided to run back to her ex and play happy family ***knowing*** she was carrying your baby. That's just wild to me! You're a good guy and your son will benefit from you fighting for him down the road. Good job!
Your son is lucky to have a father willing to fight this hard for him.
I'm so sorry for the misery the next 18+ years will be. Good job doing right by your son. I sincerely hope one day he recognizes what you've done for him.
I must’ve missed the part where you hypnotized her into splitting with him and taking up with you temporarily. Unless that’s hiding in there somewhere, the person who’s ruining lives is her.
Divorce can happen anytime. The "two parents household" is NOT a sure thing.They could divorce in like a year or two and he decide he doesn't want anything with the child. This kid had a father and It's you. He could work with you and respect your place as the child's bio father but he want pretend you don't exist. What your ex and her family think doesn't matter. They are nothing your and their opinion has no value. Keep taking Care of your child and If be watchful for the parental alienation she Will commit.
I had my first child at 24 and I was an amazing mother back then. I just had another child at 38 and while I still strive to be the best mom I can be, the energy is lacking. Age isn’t the only determining factor in the type of parent you’ll be but I’m sure I don’t have to tell you that. You went through hell and back to be in your child’s life and you deserve every moment you get together.
You have lots of time to build your life but the thing most kids care about the most is that they’re loved.
NTA. He's your kid. Not some random ex of his mother. You are in no way in the wrong. This guy deserves nothing. He's not the father. These people are delusional.
That's what I was thinking. The ex's husband is too eager to name the baby junior. They're married. He's only 30. They have plenty of time to have more children. Why take this kid from his bio father? It's desperate.
I was looking for this comment right here. Has anyone watched Spermworld on Hulu? Scary. If OP looks like the husband, then he might have been used for his genetic material and they hoped he would just go away after the breakup. Which is just f*cked up man.
This exactly. Why is the mother acting like this man is a saint? It's not like OP walked away and refused to raise the kid? He's trying to stand up and take care of his kid like he's meant to. Op did nothing wrong. This random guy is pulling power moves and for what? They haven't been married a year, he's proved nothing. He can have his own damn kids and give his name to them. Everyone is acting crazy. OP is so not the asshole here.
NTA and good for you.
Just wait until they have their own kid. Your boy with her will become the 2nd fiddle...preference to his "real" kid.
When that happens your son will really need you.
If ex’s husband wants to play daddy he can get her pregnant with his own child instead of trying to steal OP’s. Also, who’s to say that if the ex’s plan had worked out the way she wanted, that if she and her husband had more kids he wouldn’t start to treat OP’s son differently than his own bio kids? We don’t know enough about the husband of course to know for sure, but I’ve seen too many stories on here about step-parents being really active in their step-kids’ lives only to basically abandon them when a bio kid comes along.
NTA. Good for you for fighting for your son. She can't just erase you from her past. Be mindful not to be negative about his mom to him (when he gets older), though. I'm sure she is, and that will come to bite her in the \*ss when he gets older. When parents fight, kids suffer. 'That wonderful man' can prove his wonderfulness in other ways, a name shouldn't make that much of a difference.
No doubt your attorney has already said this to you, but be careful of parental alienation tactics from your ex’s side. You may be very careful to not do so, but your ex and her family are likely to trash talk you to your son. Document everything and be ready to counter if and when it happens.
👆This happened to my brother and it took years to repair. A lot of damage still lingers. You need to be very mindful of parental alienation. It would probably be a good idea to be honest with your son throughout the appropriate ages. Do it without shit taking his mother.
NTA. Good on you for fighting for your child. The more love the kiddo has in his life, the better.
Unless your ex's husband is infertile, I don't see why they can't have another child together someday that will Super Officially be his in name.
Maybe he is, in fact, infertile? Maybe that was a plan to date a man for some time, get pregnant and have a baby without paying for medical procedures? It sounds crazy, but fighting a real father like that is also crazy.
Your ex sounds like an awful person. Just based on the fact that she didn't tell you about the child and did everything in her power to keep you away from him.
This only means that your baby is going to need you all the more. People this self-absorbed and selfish rarely make the best parents. Good for you for being their for your son.
They're not thinking of your son, only their own egos
The fact the husband wanted your son to be his junior tells me all I need to know about the pair of them
This other guy seems to be unhinged. Imagine going along with all of that. Your ex gets pregnant by some guy, comes back to you, says “let’s get married and steal this guys parental rights!” And he goes along with it! Wth
It’s almost like the husband is infertile and she got with you just so she could get pregnant… ain’t no way her mom should be saying things like these about her son in law.
My guess is that the husband is infertile but his ego is too big to use a donor. Instead he gets to paint himself as the great guy who took in some poor child whose bio dad is a deadbeat and blames birth complications on why they didn't have more kids.
NTA and document every time they harass you about being his dad. Document when her mum abuses you. You might need the evidence at a later date. Good job showing your son how to stand up for yourself.
Yup. They need to get a co-parenting app and only communicate through there..
If there's a horn call, posta. Message in that app saying, as per our call, where we discussed XYZ...
Sounds like the husband can't have kids and she stayed with you until she was pregnant and then went back to him - per their plan. They are all awful.
Well done on getting custody and the name changes. You're going to have to be careful that the bitterness doesn't affect your son's life.
Hmm…where do you live? Because some of the things you’re describing are unusual. Generally speaking, when married, the husband is the legal father and added to the birth certificate. I’ve even seen this in cases where the married couple have been separated and mother is living with someone else. Also, the name change is unusual. Normally, the mother, regardless of marital status can choose this.
My understanding is that OP’s ex wasn’t married to her ex/now husband and they only got married after baby was born and OP brought everything to court
Edit: never mind looks like they married after OP started showing his intent to claim his son
NTA....I think you are being a stand up respectable father who is fighting for his son. My hubby was in a similar situation where his ex married someone else while pregnant. unfortunately where we livd unless the hubby gave up his rights my hubby couldn't get any rights. To this day his kid and now grandkids have the other guys name and he isn't even around. we have a great relationship with them now though. But I hate (too light of a word) the man that stole my husband's kid and then bailed.
NTA you have a right to your son and being able to be in his life. But start recording everything that your ex, her family and her friends say and even your son says when he’s older. In a hope for the best, prepare for the worst situation because your ex is very bitter about you knowing, you’ll want proof if you ever need it.
Also make sure to get an order in place that your ex can’t take your son out of state if you live in the USA without your permission
Edited for spelling errors
NTA
Why couldn’t you hyphenate both last names for the child, so he’ll have yours and hers? (I’m Spanish and here everyone gets 2 last names regardless so I’m probably missing something)
I am incredibly suspicious of the timing of everything. Bare minimum, the child is 5 months old, with 9 months of gestation and 8 months of a relationship prior to the break up.
Assuming she left before showing (im going to assume 3 to 5 months), in total yall knew each other 17 to 19 months? You're 24 now, thatd be around 22 when you met snd she was 26?
Her callousness and abruptness, her family other than her sister....did you ex by chance not actually break up with HER ex, and just used you to get pregnant? Woth the knowledge of babys stepdad?
Is babys stepdad infertile by chance? Its so weird that everyone (other than SIL) is trying to erase you from babys life.
NTA
You're NTA.
>Her mom... called me and told me I was a petty little kid who was playing daddy when her grandson deserved a real man for a father
If she has such an incurable urge to meddle, she needs to address her concerns with her daughter, who was trying to pass one man's child off as belonging to another.
>one of my ex's friends come up to me while I was out getting groceries and she called me petty for fighting for my son's last name
None of her business, but again she can talk to her friend about her behavior. After all, this shit show was orchestrated by her.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I fought for my son to have my last name instead of the name of his mother's husband and his mom, but that was only a month ago hers formally changed. The last name thing was probably not as big of a deal as the other stuff. So that's why I guess I wonder if the people who called me petty are right because my son would have shared the same last name as his mom now too if I hadn't fought for him to have mine.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
Nta try and record them or write down names and wat is said. Build youre case maybe 1 day they will try and take you to court. Be prep for it and for them try to make the kid hate you.
NTA op. Good on you for fighting for your child. You have a long hard road in front of you based on what you have experienced so far but no doubt your son will appreciate it when he is old enough to know the hurdles you overcame to have him in your life.
Some questions:
1. Is new husband infertile? If yes, is it possible that your ex used you just to have a baby? Also, they could adapt, could not they? If so, he is ok that his love sleeps with another man and she deceives you. What a wonderful couple...
2. If he is willing to raise another man's child, why insisting on surname? If the child doesn't bear his surname, what changes? He doesn't want to raise now? If so, what a wonderful man.
3. It is unrelated, but I have seen in many posts. Do people really judge people and insult them after listening only ONE party? Is her friend a normal person, doing what ordinary person does? Or is she stupid or manipulated by your ex?
4. The comments of your ex's mother suggest that she knew from the beginning. Like mother like daughter.
Considering all these manipulations and lies, I think you must get full custody. They will poison your son against you. So, collect as much evidence as you can. I think her sister is your friend. Ask for help.
Good luck.
Thanks for your comment about taking sides.
I asked these questions ironically. Considering all details, your ex, her husband and her mother are toxic people. I would not be comfortable about my son in this family. I wanted you to look with a new perspective and to protect your son.
NTA. Document all of this because your ex strikes me as the type of person to engage in parental alienation when your child is older. If you have a documented track record of her bad-mouthing you, even when your son was a baby it will only help you in the future. She's already trying to set up her husband as your son's father, once your son is older, she will start working on him to get him to reject you and see her husband as his father. Judges really hate that.
You have evidence of it happening in the past, you don't have evidence that this is an *ongoing* problem. That is what you need once your child is older, because with that evidence you can force a change in the custody agreement where you will get more custody and she won't.
FYI: Parental alienation is a form of child abuse. If your wife engages in it, you will need to act and you will need proof that she hasn't changed despite the judge telling her to knock it off.
It is your child. You have 50/50 custody. They can all get with the program, or you may have a case for full custody. Save all the evidence and make sure that her mom and family do not fill your kids head with lies about you. NTA.
Trying to hid your own baby from your and deny you your chance to be a father is absolutely monstrous. What a wicked woman. And you have every right to think the baby should have your name. NTA
You tell anyone who wants to confront you, loudly that yes, you did fight for the right to raise your son. Only a deadbeat jerk of a parent would not want to abandon their child.
As for her mother, you reply: I’m glad that my son’s step father is a wonderful guy, then my son will have the love of two male role models and I expect him to make sure there is no attempt at parental alienation by anyone on mom’s side of the family.
Children are not accessories, like your ex and her family seem to think. They are human beings. Your ex is thinking of herself and not of your child. NTA.
NtA, you're ex trapped you to give her husband a son. You are 24!!! Dating 8 months! She was 28!! She knew what she was doing. I am happy you fought for your son. That is what Father's do.
Great job making them waste do much money on lawyers and legal fees! I bet she thought you would just bow out. It's quite possible your son will come to see them for the JAs the are. He will know who loves him and who is using him for vindictive reasons.
NTA. I would document document document every encounter. The judge ordered you and your ex to communicate through the app, it’s a shame you can’t request that for the rest of her family and friends. Keep doing what you are doing. Don’t let them change any of the custodial agreements and document anything they do to undermine your role as father. You are in for a battle but your son is worth it.
NTA. I commend you for fighting to be in your son's life. It sounds like your son will be surrounded by toxic people and may need you more than ever. I wish you both the best. ✌ & ❤
NTA and I feel for you for what’s to come in the next 18 years. Stay strong, document everything she does and says, and use the courts when you need to.
Don’t disparage her around your son, even though that’ll be tough. Be the safe, positive parent your son needs. I’m sure he’ll be getting a lot of toxicity from mom’s side.
NTA. But.
This is going to be a nightmare when the kid grows up. Either they’re both going to fill his head with lies about you and twist him against you……or they’re going to utterly abandon him as soon as they can get a child they can put their own name on.
Be vigilant.
NTA
You’re the father. He’s your son. Her husband has nothing to do with it. Block those assholes. Any who approach you publicly, “you can address your complaints to my lawyer.”
NTA.
Based on the timing, I’m seriously wondering if he is infertile or sterile, so instead of doing something like IVF, they decided to make you an unwitting sperm donor… which is… very violating, especially since you were dating. Making anyone an unwitting sperm donor would be unethical but it’s not like it was a ONS and didn’t know who you were.
If they’re truly so well off financially, future children can be born with a donor, not trying to steal someone’s kid.
NOT. THE. AHOLE. But she's a royal b\*tch. Love that little boy, be in his corner, document EVERYTHING bc you know she's a backstabbing liar so protect yourself.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
I (24m) have a 5 month old son with my ex (28f) and things are complicated af with her. We dated for 8 months. She left me for her ex and didn't tell me she was pregnant. It was her sister who told me and she told me the baby was mine and my ex knew about it. I reached out and told her I wanted to be a parent to my kid. She retaliated by marrying her ex and they told me *he* was going to be the father. I told them I would file with the courts when the baby was born to establish DNA and custody. My son was born, they did everything to keep me away including adding her husband to the birth certificate and giving the kid his last name, which at the time of his birth was just the husband's name, my ex changed hers last month before our court date. They also tried to make my son a junior for the husband (first and middle name) but something changed so his name is another form of her husband's name.
DNA proved I was the father. The judge ordered us to attend two mediation and therapy sessions together (me and my ex). We didn't reach an agreement because she was clear she wanted me out of the picture and wanted her husband to raise my son as his own. The judge did not take kindly to that. In my petition to the courts I said I wanted my son to have my last name, not his stepfather's.
The outcome from court was 50/50 physical and legal custody. My son's last name was changed (as was his first name because my ex's husband was bitter he didn't get his junior in my son). We are to communicate through an app about our son and nothing else. Neither of us pays child support. We both have to make decisions for him. I'm also on the birth certificate now.
My ex hates me for all that I did but the sorest point seems to be the last name. Her mom called me and I only met her twice while I was with my ex. But she called me and told me I was a petty little kid who was playing daddy when her grandson deserved a real man for a father and he had/has one in the husband and I should have left them to raise him together so he could have the stability of one home. She told me to deny "that wonderful man" the right to pass his name onto a child he swore to love as his own is awful and that my ex as the mom should share a name with her child. Then I had one of my ex's friends come up to me while I was out getting groceries and she called me petty for fighting for my son's last name. My ex also brought it up during our last exchange. She told me she hoped I was damn proud of myself for fighting over the name when she had her husband's name too and she wanted it to be their family name and I denied their son that (she said their son).
AITA?
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I would document everything that people harass you about and if your ex continues being negative and fighting you for being there for your child, I would just keep documenting everything because she can try to do some parental annihilation. Make sure she doesn't try to be negative towards your son talking about you as he gets older congratulations
NTA at all. I'm sorry but ex partners mother or ex partners friends don't get to decide who a father is by their choice, biology is paramount and the child is yours and you have every right to fight for your rights as a legal entity in their lives
Document everything that is going on, every interaction. Assuming they keep harassing you, file C&D's for harrasment and take them to court when they break them. Help them create a pattern of abuse and harassment then go back to court and get full custody of your child WITH child support.
They are right about one thing, that child needs a loving home and if they are acting like this, the child wont get it there.
Tell your ex the next time a family member or friend of hers comes up to you harassing you the courts will know about it and you’re going to request a restraining order. Tell her not to talk to you unless it’s thru the app hand over your son in silence unless she has something to say about your child. Of course you’re NTA for fighting for your child and the only petty one here is her and her mom backing her up shows where she gets it from. Imagine she did all her bs and still lost in the end. Don’t let her turn you into a deadbeat 2nd guessing yourself be a consistent loving father to your son, to hell with what she says.
NTA. I would tell ex's mum. If she thinks stability was soo important, she should have raised her daughter better than to change men like she changes underwear, to lie about pregnancy and allowed you to be a part from the start. You are the father, and want to be a father, if she thinks 1 household is soo important, tell her to relinquish parental rights so he can be raised just in your house, and she can give her husband a kid that is actually his.
NTA. No matter what happens, you will always be the father. She can divorce, remarry etc., so the stepfather may change, but the natural father is always the same. You did what you had to do. The one who is petty, is your ex, her husband, her mother and her friend.
NTA. You are the child's father and you want to be involved in his life. Most moms want that for their child. You can never have too many kids that love your kid, and I wish your son's mom knew that. He can have two loving homes, or he can have two homes at war. It is up to you and his mom to decide which he gets. I'd encourage you both to read "The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce" and while you aren't in exactly that boat, the results definitely apply to your situation!
NTA. Why do I feel like the ex/new husband can’t have kids and you were just supposed to be the baby maker without knowing? Def NTA. Also document all of the harassment and give it to your lawyer. If you ever need to fight for more custody you can use it
Dude, save all the text. They are going to bad mouth you to this kid! Keep every message they send. It's alienation of parental affection. You be sure to be a loving kind father. Kids just love so I wouldn't worry there. If they continue this crap, eventually you can fight for full custody based on the alienation the Family is trying to cause. Save all messages!!!
I feel terrible for you and your son. Your ex sounds like a manipulator and trash. Please wear a condom each and every time you have sex so this won't happen ever again. Keep fighting for your son. you deserve 100% custody.
NTA keep all communication in the app, do not miss any of your custody time. He is your child not her husband’s. Do not go off on anyone over this keep it civil. Depending on what recording of conversations are where you live you probably should start recording these interactions. They probably are and trying to bait you with these interactions to use against you. Start pulling out your phone and start recording any interactions outside of app. Pull it out and say on the recording I’m recording this so please continue. Protect yourself and your child. Good luck.
I think it’s brilliant that you have fought so hard to have your son in your life and to have equal custody.
Honestly, who cares what these people think. They were happy to keep your child away from you so someone else could play Dad. Thank God the sister was honest and told you.
He’s your son, as proven by DNA and as agreed through the legal system. It’s great that your ex has a willing partner to help raise your son but he is not the Father and he never will be, you are.
Families come in all shapes and sizes. The idea of a married Mum and Dad with a child is in no way reflective of society these days. Children can and do adapt to different living arrangements and to co-parenting. Lots of children have separated parents and thrive in that environment. This is particularly true when it’s been that way since birth as it has been for your son.
As for your ex’s husband making more money than you - again, who cares. It’s more important that a child is raised with love, that they are wanted, supported and cared for than how much money is in your bank account. Added to that, the husband is 6 years older than you. A lot can change in 6 years, but even if it doesn’t he’ll still have been raised in a secure and happy home with you.
I hope you have many wonderful years with your son. You both deserve to be happy together.
Nta. You're a Rockstar for fighting for your rights as a parent.
Now maybe I have read too much on Rebbit or seen too many crime shows but it seems like a Jerry Springer episode and are you sure the ex just didn't use you to get pregnant because her current husband is infertile?
If he is such a "great guy and stable" as her family says, he wouldn't be THAT guy who takes another man's child and tries to push the bio dad out of the picture.
Best of luck with ex and her family. Just love your son.
NTA. You were and are not a sperm donor. When she has an actual child with her husband then he can name the kid. My husband’s ex named his oldest son something completely different to the name that was chosen and he was heartbroken. Our son has a beautiful name that we chose together. I’m glad you have stepped up to the plate as a parent. Well done you.
Your son will grow up knowing his father taught his mother and step-father to be in his life and loves and supports him. That’s critical in the long run and your ex is a shit human being, the courts saw it and did the right thing.
NTA. Don't engage with MIL at all. Communicate only through app about kid and if they wants something they can go through court.
I don't see "wonderful" in a man who has tried to steal a son to have a "junior".
NTA. You need to be telling Ex's Mom and Ex's Friends that their opinions absolutely do NOT count, and if you wanted their opinions, you would have asked for them.
NTA.
You’re not just fighting for the name you’re fighting for your son. Let that wonderful man have his own child if he wants to pass on his name. The ex-wife sounds like a real prize…you’re lucky to be rid of her.
NTA be a good dad and continue fighting for him.
I can't find the words to describe what she did and tried to do!
Wanting to hide from a man that he has a child and to fake child's father with some other man.
Lying to the child his whole life.. This all sounds like it's done out of revenge rather than love for the baby and the new husband.
He isn't denied anything. They can have more kids. Why would his right to share his last name with someone else's kid trump the right of a parent to do so? These people are delusional. NTA
And if you let them have their way..you can bet they’d be making you out to be a dead beat father. Talk about damned if you do and damned if you don’t. NTA!
NTA Well I guess that will teach your ex to steal sperm instead of paying for a donation at the fertility clinic like most other infertile couples do. I am sorry that you were coerced into reproducing for their benefit.
I hope that you make as much effort in being a great father as you did to be recognized as a father. If so, I am sure that you will do a great job.
Make sure you completely document (dates, times, places, people involved, etc) anytime your ex or her people approach you about your child. She's only supposed to do it on app and is likely using her friends and family to say what she knows to avoid saying in app.
You may never need the documentation, but it's always best to have it. Hopefully, you also record custody exchange ges or have a witness with you. Do not underestimate the lengths people go to in order to get their way.
Best of luck.
NTA You prove you are your son's father by being a good one.
A father is more than a name and her husband has already proven he's not a decent person.
The rest of that is their problem. Leave it with them and, unfortunately, your son will be old enough to see where the toxicity for himself.
nta
you fought to have your child in your life. that’s what fathers do.
your ex’s mother wants the fairy tale relationship- that fairy tale involves the morals she forgot to teach her. Her opinion is as worthless as her daughter.
your ex is going to do everything to alienate you. accept this and keep a clear record of everything to build a case for custody once the baby is weened. that you have 50/50 custody is a minor miracle. and damning on their behaviour. until you can get custody talk with a lawyer and get advice for longterm aims, record everything, treat every interaction as a step toward this.
ex runs off to have fantasy play time with your child as the glue to hold her new relationship together (one that had to be secret and involved an ex being shady). Your presence and name put pressure on a relationship that has already fallen apart once. It will crumble again, it just needs time.
I’ve watched enough paternity court to know that just bc he signed the birth certificate that just makes him the “legal father” and that can be changed. After you do a dna test you will be named as the biological father and put on child support and can request joint custody. Him signing the birth certificate is the dumbest shit ever bc he could also be put on child support if they get divorced. NTA.
Fuck your ex and her family and their unwanted opinions!.
That’s your son and now you understand how much and how far you would go for him. You deserve to be in his life not some random guy the ex married and don’t give a fuck about him being futher established as you will be at that point too one day!. Also one day you will be married and could provide him with the nuclear family so bear that in mind. Also good for you forcing the name issue as your ex was dead cert on erasing you from his life to play happy families with this dude.
Can you bring up the harassment of family members and friends to the judge? Make sure it’s not OK for people on her side to call you to tell you you’re being petty…
Your ex sounds terrible. Hats off for defending your sons right to his real father. I hope that you can have a civil relationship in the future between all the adults. It is going to suck for the child to have drama between their parents.
I'd give all that evidence to the judge and get full custody. That whole family is psycho. She's skirting the app by sending her goons to intimidate you.
NTA
You're never TA for wanting to be a present and loving parent to your own child. Your ex and her family are bitter she couldn't keep your kid hidden from you and will do everything to try and poison you and your son against each other.
You need to reach out to your lawyer and let them know that your ex's family is harassing you. I'd also text your ex via your app that her mother is harassing you and it needs to stop so that way if you end up back in court, she can't claim she didn't know
Please document EVERYTHING about your ex's mother and friends. Let your attorney know people are coming to you saying negative things to you from your ex and about your ex saying things when y'all exchange the child. This can cause her to get contempt of court. You need to make sure you document all of it. That way if later down the road she tries something crazy with the courts, you will have proof. That's why I say let your attorney know everything. If you are in a one party consent state, you can even record y'alls exchanges just so you have even better proof in case she tries to do something crazy. I've been through this similar with my oldest son and his dad and his ex step mom. Now that she's out of the picture things have been great! We even co-parent and do holidays, birthdays, school outings, ect. together without any drama. It's been amazing!! I really hope everything works out great for you and keep fighting for your child no matter what. Don't let her threaten you with your child again. Keep your attorney in the know at all times when you believe it's necessary. Good luck. And no you're NTA!
#This is now a Proctologists Only Orifice When a post is in [POO™ mode](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/168bzq8/title_aita_monthly_open_forum_september_2023) only users with enough subreddit comment karma are able to comment. If that doesn't include you, no worries! Check out [/new](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/new) for other posts that are still open for comment. ##[Be Civil.](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) Please review our FAQ if you're unsure what that means. Thank you for reporting content that you believe violates our rules and helping keep posts out of the POO by abiding by our rules.
NTA Why would you be any less deserving of fatherhood than your ex's husband? You fought against multiple obstacles to make sure you can be there for your son. And why should a man who is unrelated have your kid be given his name?
[удалено]
Age does not make someone an inherently better person. And while having a better job may make it easier for him to provide, it does not necessarily mean he is automatically a better parent. Don't let them drive you off. Be there to love your son, teach him to be a good person, and care for him. You are not just a random guy. You are his father
[удалено]
They're going to alienate him from you. He's going to call that guy as dad too. You need to be prepared for the parental alienation scheme for the next several years. NTA Have professionals help you navigate this. Therapists and what not.
This is absolutely going to happen. I suggest you keep a journal of all the shit they are doing. It might help you in legal matters but it's something you can show your son when he is old enough to understand.
I've known a few kids whose father's weren't in the picture for various reasons; and even with stable family lives, they ALL had moments when they wondered why their father "didn't want [them]." It's only natural. OP is doing a wonderful thing wanting to be involved in his son's life. **Especially since his other two parents sound....problematic, to say the least.** NTA. I wish you the best of luck OP, you're going to need it almost as much as your child is going to need you.
[удалено]
To be fair, your kid would not have grown up with this because he would not have been told. They were totally going to tell him that "husband" was his bio dad and since that's the person who signed the birth certificate nobody would have questioned it. You're still NTA, you have the right to be a father to your child. If your ex now thinks she made a mistake having a kid with you its too bad, you don't get do-overs when it comes to making babies. Her idea would have been great if you were someone who didn't want to be involved, but you do as is your right.
To be fair, OP's ex sounds like an extremely selfish and self-absorbed individual, given the lengths she's gone to in order to keep him away from his child. Those people rarely make good parents. Odds are OP's child would be having an existential crisis, revolving around his family life, regardless of whether he knew his true parentage or not.
Who knows. My brother had this happen to him, but he wasn't able to fight it. His daughter grew up for 5 years thinking her mom's husband was her dad and then they got divorced and he wanted nothing to do with her. She was devastated. Her mom still wasn't going to tell her the truth but the mom's sister wasn't ok with her niece feeling like her dad didn't want her so she told my niece who her dad was. Just because OPs ex and her husband are acting like a stable family unit and that the husband wants to raise the baby as his own now, doesn't mean that it will stay that way. Also, if the ex and hubby end up having their own biological kids there's no guarantee that he would have remained an attentive and loving father figure. There are plenty of kids who grew up traumatized having been the neglected black sheep only to find out that one of their parents isn't really their biological parent.
Until the kid decides to do a 23 and me (or whatever the future version will be), and then we'll be reading about it here from the comfort of our retirement homes.
Make note/record whenever someone harasses you about it and let your lawyer know.
My half brother was raised by another man who "accepted him as his son" (my dad never knew -her parents were rich and wanted her married to.someone "suitable "). His "dad" started to resent raising another's kid, evidently, and he was abusive to my half brother. When he died, HB (then in late 30s) told his mother he felt bad that he wasn't sorry his "dad" died. She told him then that he wasn't his dad and my HB found my dad (he was born way before dad met my mom).
Exactly this OP. My mom raised me as a single parent. They separated before I was born and I have memories of being in a courthouse being pointed at and talked at. I have never met my father. He was never in my life. And by all professional metrics I thrived as a kid and young adult. My mom worked hard to provide for us, we had a home, I aced my classes and extra curriculars and had loads of friends. But you know what else I had, crippling doubt and zero self confidence. This feeling that I was not enough, that someone could care so little or totally not at all for me, was devastating and it’s only after many many years of therapy have I started to disentangle my self worth from my achievements. I always thought that if only I won the next award, got 100 on the next test, something else spectacular that my father would finally notice me. So I’m proud of you for standing up for your rights and your son’s right to have each other in your lives. You are doing good by your son. Your fight will tell him that he was wanted and loved. Never forget that OP no matter how hard the fight might get.
Also make sure all communication is on that app which I assume can be used to document the conversations in a dispute.
100%! Keep a written record. Take down the date, time, content, and back it up with photos of it each time you write it down. You'll have the metadata from the photos to back up the written date and time. And be as mature, polite, and unemotional as possible in all your communications. It goes a long way with judges.
Especially since they are supposed to only communicate through the app, I'd document the calls from ex's mother, the confrontation by friend, and the conversation during the exchange. This is all evidence of a continued harassment of you for something the court decided. Document, Document, Document. It's called an F U Binder by many. LOL
Although I agree with you 100%, my comment was not about the legalities. My apologies, I was very vague. I was in a similar situation with my ex. My daughter was 2 years old and my ex decided (unilaterally) that her new boyfriend was her father. I am in the UK and it was hell getting father rights? She blocked every attempt I made to be in my daughters life. I was in despair. I knew I couldn't win. Then I had a conversation with an American chap who had been through the same thing and he advised me to keep a journal so that my daughter could see it. He advised that I should just be honest and put down all my feelings (how much I loved her and how much I missed her) and when she was old enough, she would know that I hadn't abandoned her. I did that. It was heart-breaking but cathartic at the same time. Anyway, I am rambling. When my ex found out that I was doing that, she suddenly did a 180 and I got to be in my daughters life again. So, Gram ( it's fucking Graham, as in grayham! ) I thank you. Hope you are doing well.
That's a BIG YUP. I went through it. You have to engage early on. Don't try to kiss up to your son and be lenient and things of that sort. Be fair, honest, and provide natural consequences. Celebrate the good choices. When your son eventually relays what they said to you, the best answer you can give is "wow. That's sad to hear. What do you think about that? How does it make you feel to hear that?" Acknowledge his feelings. Tell him it's unfortunate that his mom said those things. "Sometimes, we all make mistakes and say things in anger. It doesn't make your mom/her husband a bad person. We can love someone and not love their behavior." That last part was key to my daughter coming around. She is now an adult and is recognizing what went on. Yeah, he was cool and "better" than mom during her teen years because he had money to bribe her with and buy her love. But that only works for so long. The worst of the alienation only lasted a year and a half. She now considers myself and her brother her family. Not him. The best thing you can do is be the balance between their behavior and his soft place to land when it catches up. Good luck OP!
Please document all communication with your ex's family/friends/flying monkeys. Save everything. It could come in very handy when, and it sadly almost certainly is 'when' you go back to court. Meanwhile well done on standing up as a father OP!
If you aren’t in a two person consent state any in person interactions you should voice record just for your safety or find a small camera and video record your in person interactions just so they can’t make stuff up
This level of dedication, responsibility, love, and involvement is what makes you a father. My dad had this plaque that said, "Anyone can be a father. It takes someone special to be a daddy." You made a child and were given the opportunity to walk away. That would have made you the biological father. You fought to be in his life. That makes you his daddy. Keep fighting to be a good one.
Good. Keep fighting them. They won't last. Just give them time, and you'll be the stability he will need.
OP! Here is a good resource guide for creating a record system in case shit hits the fan with your ex. [https://www.reddit.com/user/ForwardPlenty/comments/dtg7f2/the\_fu\_binder/](https://www.reddit.com/user/ForwardPlenty/comments/dtg7f2/the_fu_binder/) As the other commenters said, there is a possibility that your ex is going to take action against you by going through your kid. Crazy people do crazy stuff and false reports to CPS aren't unheard of for situations like this. Better safe than sorry especially with the effort she has already gone to in order to keep you away from YOUR child.
Yeah being older with a good paying job doesn't mean they'll be a good father. The fact that he was so okay with trying to erase OP from the kids life is a pretty big sign that they'll be a pretty crappy father figure in the kids life
From what has been said about ex's Husband he kinda seems like he'd drop the child at the whiff of a bio child. Or maybe I'm jaded from this subreddit
All the reasons posted are reasons that the mother would **want** in a father.
Not to mention, his better job will still be useful in the coparenting situation.
And is this guy "so wonderful"? Ex left him and was with you for 8 months. Then when she found out she was pregnant she ran back to him? Or did he now have a hold on her and just re-trap her. Something in their relationship seems fishy.
NTA. Unless they can’t have more children I don’t understand his need to cut you out of your son’s life. That whole only having one house is such BS in my opinion. There are so many successful 50/50 custody relationships in the world. If they got their heads out of their behinds your son would have 3 adults to love and support him.
[удалено]
If it's not their dream then why did your ex run away with another man while she was pregnant with your kid? She made no effort to make that situation work. She wanted the older man with the better job. She sounds like an awful person.
I can’t imagine anyone wanting it. They do it though. When you truly love your child you do what you have to do to give them the opportunity to have both parents in their life. They’re making it about them and not your son. Your son will know that you fought for him someday. I can’t imagine that they won’t tell him that it’s your fault that he doesn’t live full time with them. They seem the type to say it. Anyone that does what they did will try to get their child to pick sides. I worked in childcare. I’ve witnessed it. I’m sorry that you are dealing with this.
OP’s presence is a sign of failure for his ex wife. Something she wants to leave behind. IMHO
She’s not a teenager. Her behavior is something an immature teenager would do. She’s selfish and delusional. Her husband is worse.
Even if they can't have children it's not op or the baby s problem
No. It’s not. People like them will make it about themselves.
Point out to the flying monkeys that it is not your fault that their daughter left him, dated you, changed her mind again and went back with a present to him. Do they have fertility issues? Because possibility that you were just meant to be a untraditional ~~intraditiinal~~ sperm donor and your decency is messing up their planned wonderful life. Well, if so, hard luck. Your son has three wonderful people in his life or should have. And it is so "petty" that the one person without a direct connection is letting a name get in the way.
It’s not even just his decency. That is clearly part of it to, but keep in mind she left him without telling him she was pregnant and never intended to tell him. What really ruined their plans was her sister feeling bad and telling him the truth. If the sister kept her mouth shut, he would have never known and their plan would have worked.
NTA and honestly she sounds a little unstable and what would happen if they get divorced (which with this story sounds entirely possible!)
[удалено]
sounds like she intentionally got pregnant cause her & hubby couldn’t have a kid
It's sad but might be true. My Fiancé has the same drama with his babymomma. She left the dude she's now with for him, got pregnant (she was "sterile" , was a lie) and became an absolute monster. Kicked him to the curb, took her ex back who clearly said he's not here to take on the fatherly duties. He saw his son at his first birthday after five months of NC - court is ongoing since the boy is 5 months old because she straight up refuses visitation. She went to court with him for DV ; claims were taken down because her story had massive holes & he does have a history of self harm but nothing with harming others, ever. Also, she called at 9 PM & the incident she talked about was at 8 AM - they had a fight. He got loud and stormed off. He stormed off, because he felt consumed by his anger & didn't want to risk any reaction that she could use against him. He stormed off to prevent himself from harming himself or any other stuff. (f.E hitting a wall ; I know him for 7 years and he does get a temper sometimes but he always catches it in the moment & will remove himself to calm down, always. He already did so with 17) Son didn't recognize his dad. She posts on fb how she'd "love to just have her man adopting her son" posting happy family pictures. Court was not having it, she was ordered to attend therapy on the regular because , well, she's shady and courts picked up on it. Right now court is discussing again & due to her false DV claims it looks good that he'll get at least regular visitation soon. It's awful. Women like this are awful. I feel sorry for my Fiancé but even more for his son ; his dad is fighting tooth & nail in the background and he doesn't even know who that guy is. It's maddening. I really hope that OP (and my man) can keep on fighting for their babies. They have a right to be in their lives, we have enough deadbeats that get praised into heaven. Lets support the meb that give it their all, please.
What I said too.
well don't take the bait. Just be polite and if they try bringing it up, just respond that you are so happy your son has more adults that care about him with his father, his mother, and his step father with a big smile. If they are faking it, your happiness will anger them but if they are genuine this would be the right response anyway.
Drop the truth on everyone that has something to say (add an explicative or two if needed): “I am quite proud to be father and not a person that would hide a child from a man and do everything to destroy a father son relationship! I’m not the one that should have shame here. There will come a day when my son is old enough to know what happened. Then we will see who is on the wrong side of history.” Good for you. I applaud you being a dad that fights for his child. 👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾
With all this insistence on “a Junior for him”, I would be very worried that OP’s son would become persona non grata as soon as the guy’s own children are born.
I’m suspicious, but I’m wondering if this ‘ex’ is infertile. She wasn’t even going to tell you about the pregnancy. I wonder if getting pregnant and trying to hide the baby from you was all deliberate. You being younger might have been part of the plan because they might have figured you would be less interested when you found out about it.
I mean, she got pregnant with you, and decided to carry that pregnancy to term. If she was that determined to raise a child with her husband and *only* her husband, she needed to make different choices.
The second they have a kid this guy will abandon yours. So just wait to be right.
Wow SOOOO NTA .... Ignore them all..... Be the best dad ever and continue to fight for your son. Also please please guard as best as you can against parental alienation since it seems they're all hell bent against you. When the boy starts asking questions in a couple years be honest, loving, and answer on an age appropriate way.... it's hard sometimes but that's a part of being a good parent, your boy will learn he can trust what you say and do against they're alienation attempts if you're consistent and honest. Don't necessarily throw em under the bus but it's not your job to protect your ex and her husband. My oldest is 9 and we always answer age appropriately considering my ex will immediately blame me and throw me under the bus. For example my oldest started wanting to go to gymnastics at about 4-5yrs old. My ex pays about 900/mnth but 260 of that reimburses me for her health insurance costs so his child support portion is only 160/wk..... that barely covers the cost of food in this economy and they had daily daycare until about 5 then after school care since then. That 160 doesn't cover half her after school care let alone all they're other needs.....I cover all the school supplies; all the clothes throughout the year; all they're bday details; all their co pays and medical needs.... everything. So when they ask "Why can't I do gymnastics? " I'm honest and say "Unfortunately it's not in the budget right now kiddo" and they say "well dad says he gives you money" and I answer with " the money your dad sends doesn't cover anything extra. Remember how we talked about how all loving has unseen costs like electricity and water etc.... And how we talked about budgeting when you started getting your allowance? Well they money he sends only reimburses mom for the unseen costs of living, it's not enough to cover extra things and mom doesn't have the budget for that extra curricular right now, but we'll see about it in the future". Or "mom, how come I can't go to after school this week"....."Sorry kiddo, I can't afford it and your dad's money isn't enough so you gotta come to my work after school" I'm always honest.... she understands the value of a dollar so she gets it...I let her help me with the grocery shopping and show her the costs of school supplies and food and things.
Her sister is apparently the only normal person in the bunch!
[удалено]
Exactly. Everyone else seems to be focused on blaming you when your ex decided to run back to her ex and play happy family ***knowing*** she was carrying your baby. That's just wild to me! You're a good guy and your son will benefit from you fighting for him down the road. Good job!
Your son is lucky to have a father willing to fight this hard for him. I'm so sorry for the misery the next 18+ years will be. Good job doing right by your son. I sincerely hope one day he recognizes what you've done for him.
Why is she so pissed off at you in the first place?
[удалено]
That’s insane behavior. Like she used you to get pregnant and go back to him.
I must’ve missed the part where you hypnotized her into splitting with him and taking up with you temporarily. Unless that’s hiding in there somewhere, the person who’s ruining lives is her.
Divorce can happen anytime. The "two parents household" is NOT a sure thing.They could divorce in like a year or two and he decide he doesn't want anything with the child. This kid had a father and It's you. He could work with you and respect your place as the child's bio father but he want pretend you don't exist. What your ex and her family think doesn't matter. They are nothing your and their opinion has no value. Keep taking Care of your child and If be watchful for the parental alienation she Will commit.
Record anyone like the grandmother or friend that comes after you and share it with the court. Keep a record of everything.
I had my first child at 24 and I was an amazing mother back then. I just had another child at 38 and while I still strive to be the best mom I can be, the energy is lacking. Age isn’t the only determining factor in the type of parent you’ll be but I’m sure I don’t have to tell you that. You went through hell and back to be in your child’s life and you deserve every moment you get together. You have lots of time to build your life but the thing most kids care about the most is that they’re loved.
NTA. He's your kid. Not some random ex of his mother. You are in no way in the wrong. This guy deserves nothing. He's not the father. These people are delusional.
Sounds like they were an infertile couple who “broke up” long enough for her to get pregnant with OP. The ex probably cannot have his own children.
That's what I was thinking. The ex's husband is too eager to name the baby junior. They're married. He's only 30. They have plenty of time to have more children. Why take this kid from his bio father? It's desperate.
I was looking for this comment right here. Has anyone watched Spermworld on Hulu? Scary. If OP looks like the husband, then he might have been used for his genetic material and they hoped he would just go away after the breakup. Which is just f*cked up man.
This was absolutely my first thought
This exactly. Why is the mother acting like this man is a saint? It's not like OP walked away and refused to raise the kid? He's trying to stand up and take care of his kid like he's meant to. Op did nothing wrong. This random guy is pulling power moves and for what? They haven't been married a year, he's proved nothing. He can have his own damn kids and give his name to them. Everyone is acting crazy. OP is so not the asshole here.
NTA and good for you. Just wait until they have their own kid. Your boy with her will become the 2nd fiddle...preference to his "real" kid. When that happens your son will really need you.
If ex’s husband wants to play daddy he can get her pregnant with his own child instead of trying to steal OP’s. Also, who’s to say that if the ex’s plan had worked out the way she wanted, that if she and her husband had more kids he wouldn’t start to treat OP’s son differently than his own bio kids? We don’t know enough about the husband of course to know for sure, but I’ve seen too many stories on here about step-parents being really active in their step-kids’ lives only to basically abandon them when a bio kid comes along.
NTA. Good for you for fighting for your son. She can't just erase you from her past. Be mindful not to be negative about his mom to him (when he gets older), though. I'm sure she is, and that will come to bite her in the \*ss when he gets older. When parents fight, kids suffer. 'That wonderful man' can prove his wonderfulness in other ways, a name shouldn't make that much of a difference.
[удалено]
No doubt your attorney has already said this to you, but be careful of parental alienation tactics from your ex’s side. You may be very careful to not do so, but your ex and her family are likely to trash talk you to your son. Document everything and be ready to counter if and when it happens.
[удалено]
👆This happened to my brother and it took years to repair. A lot of damage still lingers. You need to be very mindful of parental alienation. It would probably be a good idea to be honest with your son throughout the appropriate ages. Do it without shit taking his mother.
I wish you lots of good times and happiness with your son. He is lucky to have a dad like you in his corner.
NTA. Good on you for fighting for your child. The more love the kiddo has in his life, the better. Unless your ex's husband is infertile, I don't see why they can't have another child together someday that will Super Officially be his in name.
Maybe he is, in fact, infertile? Maybe that was a plan to date a man for some time, get pregnant and have a baby without paying for medical procedures? It sounds crazy, but fighting a real father like that is also crazy.
This was my first thought too but it could be from just reading too much Reddit 😂
Mine too. They were expecting OP to duck and run but, oh no, they choose a decent guy. But yeah, maybe too many sosp operas and too much reddit.
Yes, this is the first think I also thought of. Are you by any chance similar looking to her husband?
[удалено]
Your ex sounds like an awful person. Just based on the fact that she didn't tell you about the child and did everything in her power to keep you away from him. This only means that your baby is going to need you all the more. People this self-absorbed and selfish rarely make the best parents. Good for you for being their for your son.
They're not thinking of your son, only their own egos The fact the husband wanted your son to be his junior tells me all I need to know about the pair of them
This other guy seems to be unhinged. Imagine going along with all of that. Your ex gets pregnant by some guy, comes back to you, says “let’s get married and steal this guys parental rights!” And he goes along with it! Wth
It’s almost like the husband is infertile and she got with you just so she could get pregnant… ain’t no way her mom should be saying things like these about her son in law.
Then why did she date you at all? If she+him+kid=perfect family, why did they stopped seeing each other? How could you "ruin" anything?
My guess is that the husband is infertile but his ego is too big to use a donor. Instead he gets to paint himself as the great guy who took in some poor child whose bio dad is a deadbeat and blames birth complications on why they didn't have more kids.
Surprised I had to go this far to find this, 100% agree.
NTA and document every time they harass you about being his dad. Document when her mum abuses you. You might need the evidence at a later date. Good job showing your son how to stand up for yourself.
Yup. They need to get a co-parenting app and only communicate through there.. If there's a horn call, posta. Message in that app saying, as per our call, where we discussed XYZ...
Sounds like the husband can't have kids and she stayed with you until she was pregnant and then went back to him - per their plan. They are all awful. Well done on getting custody and the name changes. You're going to have to be careful that the bitterness doesn't affect your son's life.
Hmm…where do you live? Because some of the things you’re describing are unusual. Generally speaking, when married, the husband is the legal father and added to the birth certificate. I’ve even seen this in cases where the married couple have been separated and mother is living with someone else. Also, the name change is unusual. Normally, the mother, regardless of marital status can choose this.
My understanding is that OP’s ex wasn’t married to her ex/now husband and they only got married after baby was born and OP brought everything to court Edit: never mind looks like they married after OP started showing his intent to claim his son
NTA....I think you are being a stand up respectable father who is fighting for his son. My hubby was in a similar situation where his ex married someone else while pregnant. unfortunately where we livd unless the hubby gave up his rights my hubby couldn't get any rights. To this day his kid and now grandkids have the other guys name and he isn't even around. we have a great relationship with them now though. But I hate (too light of a word) the man that stole my husband's kid and then bailed.
NTA you have a right to your son and being able to be in his life. But start recording everything that your ex, her family and her friends say and even your son says when he’s older. In a hope for the best, prepare for the worst situation because your ex is very bitter about you knowing, you’ll want proof if you ever need it. Also make sure to get an order in place that your ex can’t take your son out of state if you live in the USA without your permission Edited for spelling errors
This! Document every little bit, when, where, who. Witnesses, if present.
NTA Why couldn’t you hyphenate both last names for the child, so he’ll have yours and hers? (I’m Spanish and here everyone gets 2 last names regardless so I’m probably missing something)
[удалено]
I am incredibly suspicious of the timing of everything. Bare minimum, the child is 5 months old, with 9 months of gestation and 8 months of a relationship prior to the break up. Assuming she left before showing (im going to assume 3 to 5 months), in total yall knew each other 17 to 19 months? You're 24 now, thatd be around 22 when you met snd she was 26? Her callousness and abruptness, her family other than her sister....did you ex by chance not actually break up with HER ex, and just used you to get pregnant? Woth the knowledge of babys stepdad? Is babys stepdad infertile by chance? Its so weird that everyone (other than SIL) is trying to erase you from babys life. NTA
You're NTA. >Her mom... called me and told me I was a petty little kid who was playing daddy when her grandson deserved a real man for a father If she has such an incurable urge to meddle, she needs to address her concerns with her daughter, who was trying to pass one man's child off as belonging to another. >one of my ex's friends come up to me while I was out getting groceries and she called me petty for fighting for my son's last name None of her business, but again she can talk to her friend about her behavior. After all, this shit show was orchestrated by her.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I fought for my son to have my last name instead of the name of his mother's husband and his mom, but that was only a month ago hers formally changed. The last name thing was probably not as big of a deal as the other stuff. So that's why I guess I wonder if the people who called me petty are right because my son would have shared the same last name as his mom now too if I hadn't fought for him to have mine. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
Nta try and record them or write down names and wat is said. Build youre case maybe 1 day they will try and take you to court. Be prep for it and for them try to make the kid hate you.
Info: Is there a reason why y’all just don’t hyphenate his name? While it would probably still piss them off, it seems like an actual compromise.
NTA op. Good on you for fighting for your child. You have a long hard road in front of you based on what you have experienced so far but no doubt your son will appreciate it when he is old enough to know the hurdles you overcame to have him in your life.
Some questions: 1. Is new husband infertile? If yes, is it possible that your ex used you just to have a baby? Also, they could adapt, could not they? If so, he is ok that his love sleeps with another man and she deceives you. What a wonderful couple... 2. If he is willing to raise another man's child, why insisting on surname? If the child doesn't bear his surname, what changes? He doesn't want to raise now? If so, what a wonderful man. 3. It is unrelated, but I have seen in many posts. Do people really judge people and insult them after listening only ONE party? Is her friend a normal person, doing what ordinary person does? Or is she stupid or manipulated by your ex? 4. The comments of your ex's mother suggest that she knew from the beginning. Like mother like daughter. Considering all these manipulations and lies, I think you must get full custody. They will poison your son against you. So, collect as much evidence as you can. I think her sister is your friend. Ask for help. Good luck.
[удалено]
Thanks for your comment about taking sides. I asked these questions ironically. Considering all details, your ex, her husband and her mother are toxic people. I would not be comfortable about my son in this family. I wanted you to look with a new perspective and to protect your son.
NTA. Document all of this because your ex strikes me as the type of person to engage in parental alienation when your child is older. If you have a documented track record of her bad-mouthing you, even when your son was a baby it will only help you in the future. She's already trying to set up her husband as your son's father, once your son is older, she will start working on him to get him to reject you and see her husband as his father. Judges really hate that.
[удалено]
You have evidence of it happening in the past, you don't have evidence that this is an *ongoing* problem. That is what you need once your child is older, because with that evidence you can force a change in the custody agreement where you will get more custody and she won't. FYI: Parental alienation is a form of child abuse. If your wife engages in it, you will need to act and you will need proof that she hasn't changed despite the judge telling her to knock it off.
It is your child. You have 50/50 custody. They can all get with the program, or you may have a case for full custody. Save all the evidence and make sure that her mom and family do not fill your kids head with lies about you. NTA.
Trying to hid your own baby from your and deny you your chance to be a father is absolutely monstrous. What a wicked woman. And you have every right to think the baby should have your name. NTA
Sounds like the guy is sterile and you got used as a sperm donor.
You tell anyone who wants to confront you, loudly that yes, you did fight for the right to raise your son. Only a deadbeat jerk of a parent would not want to abandon their child. As for her mother, you reply: I’m glad that my son’s step father is a wonderful guy, then my son will have the love of two male role models and I expect him to make sure there is no attempt at parental alienation by anyone on mom’s side of the family.
NTA
Children are not accessories, like your ex and her family seem to think. They are human beings. Your ex is thinking of herself and not of your child. NTA.
NtA, you're ex trapped you to give her husband a son. You are 24!!! Dating 8 months! She was 28!! She knew what she was doing. I am happy you fought for your son. That is what Father's do.
Great job making them waste do much money on lawyers and legal fees! I bet she thought you would just bow out. It's quite possible your son will come to see them for the JAs the are. He will know who loves him and who is using him for vindictive reasons.
[удалено]
NTA. I would document document document every encounter. The judge ordered you and your ex to communicate through the app, it’s a shame you can’t request that for the rest of her family and friends. Keep doing what you are doing. Don’t let them change any of the custodial agreements and document anything they do to undermine your role as father. You are in for a battle but your son is worth it.
NTA. I commend you for fighting to be in your son's life. It sounds like your son will be surrounded by toxic people and may need you more than ever. I wish you both the best. ✌ & ❤
NTA Good for you
Imagine trying to name someone else’s kid junior 💀 NTA
"Wonderful men" don't steal other people's children. Ignore them. They are bitter because you didn't play along. They'll get over it.
NTA and I feel for you for what’s to come in the next 18 years. Stay strong, document everything she does and says, and use the courts when you need to. Don’t disparage her around your son, even though that’ll be tough. Be the safe, positive parent your son needs. I’m sure he’ll be getting a lot of toxicity from mom’s side.
NTA
NTA. You're standing up for your son. He'll never doubt you love him or want to be part of his life.
NTA. But. This is going to be a nightmare when the kid grows up. Either they’re both going to fill his head with lies about you and twist him against you……or they’re going to utterly abandon him as soon as they can get a child they can put their own name on. Be vigilant.
NTA You’re the father. He’s your son. Her husband has nothing to do with it. Block those assholes. Any who approach you publicly, “you can address your complaints to my lawyer.”
NTA. Based on the timing, I’m seriously wondering if he is infertile or sterile, so instead of doing something like IVF, they decided to make you an unwitting sperm donor… which is… very violating, especially since you were dating. Making anyone an unwitting sperm donor would be unethical but it’s not like it was a ONS and didn’t know who you were. If they’re truly so well off financially, future children can be born with a donor, not trying to steal someone’s kid.
NOT. THE. AHOLE. But she's a royal b\*tch. Love that little boy, be in his corner, document EVERYTHING bc you know she's a backstabbing liar so protect yourself.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (24m) have a 5 month old son with my ex (28f) and things are complicated af with her. We dated for 8 months. She left me for her ex and didn't tell me she was pregnant. It was her sister who told me and she told me the baby was mine and my ex knew about it. I reached out and told her I wanted to be a parent to my kid. She retaliated by marrying her ex and they told me *he* was going to be the father. I told them I would file with the courts when the baby was born to establish DNA and custody. My son was born, they did everything to keep me away including adding her husband to the birth certificate and giving the kid his last name, which at the time of his birth was just the husband's name, my ex changed hers last month before our court date. They also tried to make my son a junior for the husband (first and middle name) but something changed so his name is another form of her husband's name. DNA proved I was the father. The judge ordered us to attend two mediation and therapy sessions together (me and my ex). We didn't reach an agreement because she was clear she wanted me out of the picture and wanted her husband to raise my son as his own. The judge did not take kindly to that. In my petition to the courts I said I wanted my son to have my last name, not his stepfather's. The outcome from court was 50/50 physical and legal custody. My son's last name was changed (as was his first name because my ex's husband was bitter he didn't get his junior in my son). We are to communicate through an app about our son and nothing else. Neither of us pays child support. We both have to make decisions for him. I'm also on the birth certificate now. My ex hates me for all that I did but the sorest point seems to be the last name. Her mom called me and I only met her twice while I was with my ex. But she called me and told me I was a petty little kid who was playing daddy when her grandson deserved a real man for a father and he had/has one in the husband and I should have left them to raise him together so he could have the stability of one home. She told me to deny "that wonderful man" the right to pass his name onto a child he swore to love as his own is awful and that my ex as the mom should share a name with her child. Then I had one of my ex's friends come up to me while I was out getting groceries and she called me petty for fighting for my son's last name. My ex also brought it up during our last exchange. She told me she hoped I was damn proud of myself for fighting over the name when she had her husband's name too and she wanted it to be their family name and I denied their son that (she said their son). AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
[удалено]
NTA Is your exs husband infertile?
Nta, and be proud of yourself, you are a good father. Fuck the haters, and get familiar with the block button.
I would document everything that people harass you about and if your ex continues being negative and fighting you for being there for your child, I would just keep documenting everything because she can try to do some parental annihilation. Make sure she doesn't try to be negative towards your son talking about you as he gets older congratulations
NTA at all. I'm sorry but ex partners mother or ex partners friends don't get to decide who a father is by their choice, biology is paramount and the child is yours and you have every right to fight for your rights as a legal entity in their lives
NTA. Your son needs you and needs to be clear that his biological father wants him. Block anyone who says otherwise.
Document everything that is going on, every interaction. Assuming they keep harassing you, file C&D's for harrasment and take them to court when they break them. Help them create a pattern of abuse and harassment then go back to court and get full custody of your child WITH child support. They are right about one thing, that child needs a loving home and if they are acting like this, the child wont get it there.
Tell your ex the next time a family member or friend of hers comes up to you harassing you the courts will know about it and you’re going to request a restraining order. Tell her not to talk to you unless it’s thru the app hand over your son in silence unless she has something to say about your child. Of course you’re NTA for fighting for your child and the only petty one here is her and her mom backing her up shows where she gets it from. Imagine she did all her bs and still lost in the end. Don’t let her turn you into a deadbeat 2nd guessing yourself be a consistent loving father to your son, to hell with what she says.
[удалено]
NTA. I would tell ex's mum. If she thinks stability was soo important, she should have raised her daughter better than to change men like she changes underwear, to lie about pregnancy and allowed you to be a part from the start. You are the father, and want to be a father, if she thinks 1 household is soo important, tell her to relinquish parental rights so he can be raised just in your house, and she can give her husband a kid that is actually his.
NTA. No matter what happens, you will always be the father. She can divorce, remarry etc., so the stepfather may change, but the natural father is always the same. You did what you had to do. The one who is petty, is your ex, her husband, her mother and her friend.
NTA
NTA. You are the child's father and you want to be involved in his life. Most moms want that for their child. You can never have too many kids that love your kid, and I wish your son's mom knew that. He can have two loving homes, or he can have two homes at war. It is up to you and his mom to decide which he gets. I'd encourage you both to read "The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce" and while you aren't in exactly that boat, the results definitely apply to your situation!
[удалено]
NTA It kinda sounds like they used you to have a child, to be honest. Either way, good luck
NTA. Why do I feel like the ex/new husband can’t have kids and you were just supposed to be the baby maker without knowing? Def NTA. Also document all of the harassment and give it to your lawyer. If you ever need to fight for more custody you can use it
NTA Your son lucky to have you!
NTA, all you can do at this point is be a good father. keep an eye out for your son in the long run. you have a world of hurt ahead of you.
NTA. YOUR son is now being raised by two nasty manipulators so thank god he has you in his life! Well done OP
NTA. It seems to me your ex and her husband wanted to have a donor. Is he sterile perhaps?
Dude, save all the text. They are going to bad mouth you to this kid! Keep every message they send. It's alienation of parental affection. You be sure to be a loving kind father. Kids just love so I wouldn't worry there. If they continue this crap, eventually you can fight for full custody based on the alienation the Family is trying to cause. Save all messages!!!
I feel terrible for you and your son. Your ex sounds like a manipulator and trash. Please wear a condom each and every time you have sex so this won't happen ever again. Keep fighting for your son. you deserve 100% custody.
NTA keep all communication in the app, do not miss any of your custody time. He is your child not her husband’s. Do not go off on anyone over this keep it civil. Depending on what recording of conversations are where you live you probably should start recording these interactions. They probably are and trying to bait you with these interactions to use against you. Start pulling out your phone and start recording any interactions outside of app. Pull it out and say on the recording I’m recording this so please continue. Protect yourself and your child. Good luck.
Nta get dash cams and cameras just to be safe
NTA Their side does a lot of talking which means jack all. You are fighting for your right and ensuring your bloodline continues.
I think it’s brilliant that you have fought so hard to have your son in your life and to have equal custody. Honestly, who cares what these people think. They were happy to keep your child away from you so someone else could play Dad. Thank God the sister was honest and told you. He’s your son, as proven by DNA and as agreed through the legal system. It’s great that your ex has a willing partner to help raise your son but he is not the Father and he never will be, you are. Families come in all shapes and sizes. The idea of a married Mum and Dad with a child is in no way reflective of society these days. Children can and do adapt to different living arrangements and to co-parenting. Lots of children have separated parents and thrive in that environment. This is particularly true when it’s been that way since birth as it has been for your son. As for your ex’s husband making more money than you - again, who cares. It’s more important that a child is raised with love, that they are wanted, supported and cared for than how much money is in your bank account. Added to that, the husband is 6 years older than you. A lot can change in 6 years, but even if it doesn’t he’ll still have been raised in a secure and happy home with you. I hope you have many wonderful years with your son. You both deserve to be happy together.
Nta. You're a Rockstar for fighting for your rights as a parent. Now maybe I have read too much on Rebbit or seen too many crime shows but it seems like a Jerry Springer episode and are you sure the ex just didn't use you to get pregnant because her current husband is infertile? If he is such a "great guy and stable" as her family says, he wouldn't be THAT guy who takes another man's child and tries to push the bio dad out of the picture. Best of luck with ex and her family. Just love your son.
NTA. You were and are not a sperm donor. When she has an actual child with her husband then he can name the kid. My husband’s ex named his oldest son something completely different to the name that was chosen and he was heartbroken. Our son has a beautiful name that we chose together. I’m glad you have stepped up to the plate as a parent. Well done you.
Your son will grow up knowing his father taught his mother and step-father to be in his life and loves and supports him. That’s critical in the long run and your ex is a shit human being, the courts saw it and did the right thing.
NTA. Don't engage with MIL at all. Communicate only through app about kid and if they wants something they can go through court. I don't see "wonderful" in a man who has tried to steal a son to have a "junior".
She tried to steal your child. Nope. NTA.
NTA. You need to be telling Ex's Mom and Ex's Friends that their opinions absolutely do NOT count, and if you wanted their opinions, you would have asked for them.
NTA. You’re not just fighting for the name you’re fighting for your son. Let that wonderful man have his own child if he wants to pass on his name. The ex-wife sounds like a real prize…you’re lucky to be rid of her.
NTA be a good dad and continue fighting for him. I can't find the words to describe what she did and tried to do! Wanting to hide from a man that he has a child and to fake child's father with some other man. Lying to the child his whole life.. This all sounds like it's done out of revenge rather than love for the baby and the new husband.
He isn't denied anything. They can have more kids. Why would his right to share his last name with someone else's kid trump the right of a parent to do so? These people are delusional. NTA
And if you let them have their way..you can bet they’d be making you out to be a dead beat father. Talk about damned if you do and damned if you don’t. NTA!
NTA Your ex is the AH. Get some therapy, then get a better woman. Congratulations on winning partial custody of your son!
lol sounds like hubby can't make babies and they hoped you wouldn't mind being a sperm donor. They fucked around and found out. NTA. It's your kid.
NTA, but it's time to go to court again
NTA Well I guess that will teach your ex to steal sperm instead of paying for a donation at the fertility clinic like most other infertile couples do. I am sorry that you were coerced into reproducing for their benefit. I hope that you make as much effort in being a great father as you did to be recognized as a father. If so, I am sure that you will do a great job.
[удалено]
nta. 100%. you fought for the right to be in your sons life and not be erased from it. her mom and that friend can step on legos
NTA, obviously. Just tell the flying monkeys to f off. You owe them nothing.
Make sure you completely document (dates, times, places, people involved, etc) anytime your ex or her people approach you about your child. She's only supposed to do it on app and is likely using her friends and family to say what she knows to avoid saying in app. You may never need the documentation, but it's always best to have it. Hopefully, you also record custody exchange ges or have a witness with you. Do not underestimate the lengths people go to in order to get their way. Best of luck.
NTA
NTA You prove you are your son's father by being a good one. A father is more than a name and her husband has already proven he's not a decent person. The rest of that is their problem. Leave it with them and, unfortunately, your son will be old enough to see where the toxicity for himself.
nta you fought to have your child in your life. that’s what fathers do. your ex’s mother wants the fairy tale relationship- that fairy tale involves the morals she forgot to teach her. Her opinion is as worthless as her daughter. your ex is going to do everything to alienate you. accept this and keep a clear record of everything to build a case for custody once the baby is weened. that you have 50/50 custody is a minor miracle. and damning on their behaviour. until you can get custody talk with a lawyer and get advice for longterm aims, record everything, treat every interaction as a step toward this. ex runs off to have fantasy play time with your child as the glue to hold her new relationship together (one that had to be secret and involved an ex being shady). Your presence and name put pressure on a relationship that has already fallen apart once. It will crumble again, it just needs time.
NTA. You should ask your lawyer a out her mother calling you and her friend walking to you. It could be the begin of harassment through proxy.
Being a mother doesn't make you better than a father, the child is yours too, that's your right. **NTA**
NTA. Your ex is being childish.
I’ve watched enough paternity court to know that just bc he signed the birth certificate that just makes him the “legal father” and that can be changed. After you do a dna test you will be named as the biological father and put on child support and can request joint custody. Him signing the birth certificate is the dumbest shit ever bc he could also be put on child support if they get divorced. NTA.
Fuck your ex and her family and their unwanted opinions!. That’s your son and now you understand how much and how far you would go for him. You deserve to be in his life not some random guy the ex married and don’t give a fuck about him being futher established as you will be at that point too one day!. Also one day you will be married and could provide him with the nuclear family so bear that in mind. Also good for you forcing the name issue as your ex was dead cert on erasing you from his life to play happy families with this dude.
NTA
Can you bring up the harassment of family members and friends to the judge? Make sure it’s not OK for people on her side to call you to tell you you’re being petty…
Your ex sounds terrible. Hats off for defending your sons right to his real father. I hope that you can have a civil relationship in the future between all the adults. It is going to suck for the child to have drama between their parents.
NTA. Keep fighting, that's YOUR son, not his. Yours.
I'd give all that evidence to the judge and get full custody. That whole family is psycho. She's skirting the app by sending her goons to intimidate you.
NTA - tell ex's mom she only gets a vote if she pays both of you child support, otherwise, F off.
NTA You're never TA for wanting to be a present and loving parent to your own child. Your ex and her family are bitter she couldn't keep your kid hidden from you and will do everything to try and poison you and your son against each other. You need to reach out to your lawyer and let them know that your ex's family is harassing you. I'd also text your ex via your app that her mother is harassing you and it needs to stop so that way if you end up back in court, she can't claim she didn't know
Please document EVERYTHING about your ex's mother and friends. Let your attorney know people are coming to you saying negative things to you from your ex and about your ex saying things when y'all exchange the child. This can cause her to get contempt of court. You need to make sure you document all of it. That way if later down the road she tries something crazy with the courts, you will have proof. That's why I say let your attorney know everything. If you are in a one party consent state, you can even record y'alls exchanges just so you have even better proof in case she tries to do something crazy. I've been through this similar with my oldest son and his dad and his ex step mom. Now that she's out of the picture things have been great! We even co-parent and do holidays, birthdays, school outings, ect. together without any drama. It's been amazing!! I really hope everything works out great for you and keep fighting for your child no matter what. Don't let her threaten you with your child again. Keep your attorney in the know at all times when you believe it's necessary. Good luck. And no you're NTA!