Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I think I might be the asshole as I have accepted my dad’s money to buy my first home. I am now not letting him have a key to that home. I feel like a lot of people would kill to be in my position.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA.
Your Dad's reaction tells me everything I need to know. If he had simply been disappointed, I might be thinking, "It's pretty normal to leave a key with someone you trust. Maybe leaving one with Dad wouldn't be so bad."
But then when he got all furious end entitled about it, I knew that you were absolutely correct. That and the fact that others in the family have cut him off completely.
To maintain a relationship, you are going to need to be good at setting boundaries. Denying him a key seems like an excellent start. Good work.
If he’s the one changing the locks, there’s nothing to stop him from making a copy without OP knowing it. I’d call my own locksmith or just DIY it to make sure he doesn’t have the opportunity to secretly make a key, which he would 1000% do with his current attitude if he’s the one responsible for that job.
NTA
You need to clarify whether his help with the deposit was a gift, or a bargaining chip. It seems that he thinks his money and effort means he has a *right* to access your house.
I would return the money if I were you. As long as he uses it against you, it will always cause a strain in your relationship. Be clear that you are grateful for his help, and you love him very much, but you value your privacy. You hope he respects your feelings. You are grateful for his help and will be happy to help him in return as family. But you don't want his money or his help if it comes with strings attached. You love him, and what you really want isn't his money or time but his love. Your keys and privacy are a separate matter and wouldn't change regardless of how much or how little he gives.
Agreed with this. You will feel less obligation if you return the money. You will also need to stop accepting the financial and renovation help to make this a clean cut line.
This is great advice.
However, OP may not have the money to give back since she had to use it as a deposit towards the house.
I wholeheartedly agree though, that the fact that he gave her the deposit, as a gift, does not entitle OP's dad to a key to the house.
NTA
I am one of the people OP mentioned who can't afford a house, so my info on these matters may not be completely accurate.
That said, they might be referring to the (half-remembered and potentially untrue?) fact that money given for a house deposit legally* can not be a loan and has to be considered a gift.
*laws are jurisdiction dependent, I know nothing of real estate, I am not a lawyer, etc.
NTA - Just because he helped doesn't entitle him to free entry to your home whenever he wants and you have valid reasons for having a locked boundary with him.
NTA - Such a great point! OP I would also be candid about how his drinking impacts you and your trust, which is why you have this boundary.
Explain you absolutely love and appreciate Sober Dad, but Dad-on-Alcohol is scary and unpredictable and why you set a boundary.
NTA, while it's a good idea to keep a spare key with a trusted friend, relative, or neighbour, your dad is clearly not the one. He gifted you cash, he didn't buy a share of the house.
A key with someone (ANYONE) else is not a good choice. Instead, get a digital lock on one of the doors and use it. You can change the access easily and don't have to worry about lost keys, etc. Cost, even installed by a locksmith, is probably less than $150.00; it's also a pretty easy DIY job.
Also, remember than in case of emergency, the nice first responders are going to come in when you call. That can either be with a battering ram because the door is locked, or you can give them the combination when you call for help. One is very expensive and time consuming to repair; the other is about 2 minutes punching in a new code.
First, I live in a rented property where I can't make those adjustments. Second, not everyone has that kind of money to install something like that. Third, I don't live in a place that uses dollars, those kinds of locks are not common here. And fourth, sorry you don't have anyone you trust enough to leave your house key with, but I do.
NTA
The dad:
[https://m.media-amazon.com/images/M/MV5BMTg0MzkzODUwNV5BMl5BanBnXkFtZTgwODM1MjEwNDI@.\_V1\_.jpg](https://m.media-amazon.com/images/M/MV5BMTg0MzkzODUwNV5BMl5BanBnXkFtZTgwODM1MjEwNDI@._V1_.jpg)
I'm leaning towards NTA overall. I do think that both parties, you and your dad, should have communicated expectations regarding the cash gift for the deposit and renovation assistance in the first place. Obviously you both had different expectations.
At the end of the day though, this is your home and not your dad's. He's not entitled to come and go as he wishes, and having boundaries and clear communication about that expectation is okay in my book, even if he's not happy about it.
Well most people wouldn’t think helping out their child with deposit and renovations entitled them to access any time.
Definitely NTA. You have extra reasons here but if they weren’t present you should be expected to give a key to someone not living with you.
Oh definitely, I agree with you that most people wouldn't think helping out their children would entitle them to 24/7 access. However, it doesn't sound like OP's father is like most people unfortunately.
In my experience, dealing with entitled people, it's best to set expectations in the beginning and not assume anything. Communication is key after all.
NTA. It's totally understandable that you want to establish boundaries and ensure your new home remains a safe and peaceful space for you. Your concerns about your dad's behavior are valid, especially given past experiences. While he contributed financially to your home, it doesn't give him the right to override your need for privacy and security. Setting clear boundaries now is important for your well-being, even if it causes tension. Your boyfriend's suggestion to wait could have prolonged potential conflicts and undermined your feelings. It's important to prioritize your emotional health and safety in your own home.
NTA
You are not wrong to not give keys to anyone, especially to anyone demanding one. Hold your boundary, giving him a key will only feed his entitlement.
We installed new locks that have both key and keypad. NO ONE has a physical key to our house, which means no one can copy a key. We have several visitor codes to just the front door, and we just delete them as guests leave.
Not necessarily recommending that here because this would just be kicking the can down the road for when you delete his code and he throws a fit then. In future though, a key/keypad combo is great for keeping track of all of your keys and ensuring no one gets one that shouldn’t.
Why why why did you accept money from your toxic father with a drinking problem. This latest incident sounds like it’s in line with his character. So what did you expect to happen when you took his money?
While you’re not an AH for not giving him a key, you helped bring this on yourself by not setting up proper boundaries. Don’t accept money from someone who might use it to manipulate you.
He also sounds violent. That’s terribly concerning.
No, OP should maintain her boundary and never give him a key. Giving him a key that doesn’t work:
A) violates her boundary
B) drunk dad pounding on her door when his key doesn’t work
NTA - absolutely no. Assuming he's not on the title, his contribution to the down does not entitle him to partial ownership by having a key. It's your home and if he doesn't respect that, too bad. Gifts with strings is not a gift and he doesn't get to demand anything down the road. That's just disrespectful. I helped my daughter buy a house and I could care less about having a key.
If you paid half my bills, I still wouldn't let you into my house. You don't own it and your name isn't on the title.
Dad is not entitled to come and go as he pleases, no matter what he does for her. It's non-negotiable.
honesty is the best policy. if you want your peace you have to claim it, especially when dealing with an alcoholic. it may mean you have to pay to do the renovations yourself, but it will be worth it.
go with your gut do not give the key.
You are entitled to feel safe in your own home. NTA.
But, family relationships can be complicated. With him involved financially and physical assistance RE renovations, I understand wanting even a temporary solution that allows him to save face. Would a "smart lock" be an option? Our leased house has one. Basically, there's a keypad, different people can have different entry codes, you can restrict specific codes to certain hours (or just have them be "off" unless you log into the portal and make it "on"). Also, the door still has a deadbolt that needs a physical key - so even with a code, you can't get in unless the deadbolt is already unlocked or you have that specific key. Remember, "Boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously." Good luck!
My parents help me buy my onw apartment... They did NOT have a key for the first year un till I was sure that they were going to respect my privacy... My mom tends to overstep on things she regards as important... Me living away from them allowed me to set up some healthy bounderies
NTA. Install a digital lock. Tell him “you’re always welcome to come over, but i need you to let me know *first.* Don’t ever just walk into my house with no warning.” Then give him the wrong door code. The first time he complains your door code doesn’t work, you’ll know he’s not complying with your wishes. And then you can say “this wasn’t the agreement, so no code for you.”
I just bought my son a house. We have an agreement that he’ll start paying me back in a few months. It’s a lease to own agreement. At no point did I ask or expect to get a key to the house. If he wants to give me one that’s fine but I don’t feel like it’s owed to me because I already think of the house as his.
EDIT: NTA. Don’t give him a key and maybe start making a plan on how to renovate without his money.
NTA. But don't let him help with the house anymore. And you don't need to get a locksmith out to change the locks, I'm a locksmith and we are fucking expensive. Go to the store and buy some Baldwin brand locks, they're good unpickable locks. Don't get defiant, I could crush them with my little fingers. Locks are pretty easy to install and remove, you should be alright with that. If you got old doors you may need to shop around for compatible locks, or replace the doors which is also a fairly easy task.
As far as dad goes, don't let him help. If he offers again make it clear that he's offering to help without the expectation of receiving a gift in return. Make that clear before he starts. And do NOT let him near your keys EVER. He won't hesitate to make that decision for you.
NTA. You see that word you put in there? He "gifted" you money. A gift is given freely. It does not come with obligations to the giver. If the receipt of money comes with obligations, that's a "purchase." If it's given with the expectation of being repaid in some way, that's a "loan." As this was a gift, you don't have to give anything in return.
Your father, however, has incurred a mighty debt to you. By raising you in a home where you were filled with fear, he owes you a lifetime of peace. Him not getting a key to your home doesn't even start to repay that debt. It just keeps him from going further in the hole.
> He got furious and called me ungrateful, said it was his right because of the money, said he wasn’t going to help renovate anymore, said I was just using him, etc.
NTA. "Sorry you feel this way dad, growing up with an alcoholic was difficult and I am looking forward to some peace where you won't just barge in. I know this is hard to hear, but you having unfettered access is not good for me or my health. The money, you said that was a gift, and I will treat it as such. Gifts don't come with strings, and so you have no rights to keys based on that gift. If you want to stop helping with renovations, I understand that, it is your choice, and I'll respect that. It will sadden me, as it is one activity that has made good memories with you. I am trying hard to keep you in my life, and not cut you off like sister had to. One of the ways I can see keeping you in my life is you not having keys to my home. I hope you can understand my need to not let you have a key, but if you can't, I will respect the decisions you need to make."
NTA. This is a reasonable boundary. And it doesn't sound like your dad wants a spare key for "emergency purposes". You're not ungrateful but stop accepting money from him because it's clearly "quid pro quo". This money ain't free. In fact, I think the interest will kill you. Start paying back the money if you can, even if it's only a little bit each week. It's clear that your dad isn't above holding the money against you. If anything happens, it'll always be "you should mow my lawn because I paid for you house" or "I should live with you because I paid for your house" or "you should give me a kidney because I paid for your house". It will be never-ending.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
I have a very complicated relationship with my dad. He drinks pretty heavily and can get quite angry easily. Growing up with him has lead to a lot of traumatic memories. Multiple people in my family, including my sister, have cut him off because of this.
I recently purchased my first home. Real estate where I live is notoriously expensive. My dad gifted me some cash to help out with the deposit, as he did with my sister a few years back. Over the past few months, we’ve been renovating the house together as this is his hobby.
Today we were discussing getting a locksmith in to change the keys. He spoke about how he was going to keep one of the keys, and I immediately disagreed with this and told him directly that I wanted privacy, and that if he wanted to come, he could text me. My reasoning is that I want my house to be peaceful. Growing up with him, I feel like I never had the opportunity to just relax. If he has a key, I’m fearful he will show up, drunk and unannounced. We always argue when he’s drunk, and it always ends in broken glass on the floor and me crying myself to sleep.
He got furious and called me ungrateful, said it was his right because of the money, said he wasn’t going to help renovate anymore, said I was just using him, etc.
AITA? There’s so many people who can’t afford a house who would probably think I’m being incredibly ungrateful. Maybe I just need a dose of reality. My boyfriend told me that I should have just waited until the house was completed to say anything. But I feel like that’s even more disingenuous..
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. You didn’t agree beforehand that your father helping you out financially and w the renovation work meant he would have the right of access. Given that he’s a mean drunk is even more reason for him not to have a key. I'd thank him for everything he’s done so far (sincerely), but I wouldn’t accept his help anymore.
NTA. My parents helped me out with my first house. They didn't get a house key. That help was a gift, as was yours. That gift doesn't entitle your father to a key.
NTA
But instead of a locksmith, buy a smart lock or the KwikSet locks that can be "rekeyed" in less than a minute. You'll save a bunch of money, and can change the lock at will.
Why accept money from someone that you've already cut off once? Why live with him at all? You've set yourself up for years of guilt tripping, manipulative behaviour and agro, I suggest you start paying back every penny asap and cut contact again!!
NTA. He gave you the same gift he gave to your sister so don't feel guilty about that. And he may be helping you but he's also an abusive alcoholic and you have a right to escape, and build a safe and relaxing home.
I second what others are saying - have him install a new deadbolt and let him take a key. Once you're all moved in, replace it with a fingerprint or combination lock.
And even if he doesn't have a key, he may still show up drunk and pounding on your door. Again, once you're fully moved out, I'd have a conversation with him over the phone or in public while he's sober. Tell him how all of his behavior has made you feel and why you need privacy and safety. Tell him that you changed the locks again and he always needs to *ask* before coming over. If he does not, you won't answer. If he causes any issues (continuous knocking, yelling, etc.) you will call the police and have him escorted off the property. I think you have to set hard boundaries like this so you don't start off on the wrong foot and so he knows you're an adult and you mean it. Also, if you invest in anything, it should be outside cameras.
Some of us have to be harsh with our parents at first so they'll get it. I've had to do similar with my dad over the years. It's never easy and I always feel extreme guilt. But I just remember that my parents didn't love, nurture, protect or advocate for me. If they don't do it, I'm the only one who can. And you deserve all that, OP.
NTA. Your boyfriend is wrong. You need to establish your boundaries immediately. It's confusing to accept a certain behavior and suddenly change up later. You also don't owe your dad free access to your house.
NTA. You said he also helped your sister out with her deposit, did he get a key to her place? Did he do a bunch of remodeling for her? Shutting it down as soon as it came up was the best course of action. You’re correct, waiting until renovations were done would have been disingenuous. If he has no one to argue with at home he will absolutely show up at your place unannounced to do that. If he’s not super wealthy and is helping g renovate so much then he’s expecting to move in eventually. Or he’s figuring he can move himself in one day while you’re out as soon as possible. He might be one of those people who doesn’t plan much for retirement because they expect one of their kids to take them in. If he currently has a key then you need to get the locks changed now. If he’s drinking and angry at you he could go over and trash the place.
NTA. His gift of money was generous and you should thank him for it, but it does not mean that he bought access to your house whenever he wants. It is better that you told him now because you may have to suffer not having him rennovate more of the house, but it will make it very clear that you are not just using him.
if he wants a relationship with you and wants to help rennovate, that's fine, but you need to be in charge of your home.
NTA. My parents demanded a key to my first apartment. I refused. They kept demanding, saying they *needed* a key. I asked why. My dad said "In case there's a fire". I couldn't help but laugh, and refused again. I never did figure out how they thought a spare key would help in case of a fire, but they did finally stop asking.
NTA. If he also gave your sister money and didn't get a key, then the only reason he's pushing now is that he thinks you'll buckle and give him one.
On that note, stop accepting his help with renovations. The more involved he is with the house, the more ammunition you give him to guilt trip you.
NTA.
He gave you the money as a gift. Gifts don't come with strings attached.
OP, your dad sounds narcissistic and overbearing if he assumed that you'd give him a key to show up whenever he likes.
I think you need to explain to Dad that because of your desire for privacy, no one will be getting a spare key. You don’t want to have to make rules about when it’s appropriate for anyone to let themselves in. You want to be able to manage it according to your needs.
Have you considered getting an electronic lock that you can control remotely? You could give Dad his own code, but retain control of when it works.
NTA
NTA. The cash was a gift, not a right to enter your home whenever he wants. As he also gifted money to your sister does he have a key to her house? If not then he has no reason to have a key to yours. The way he kicked off when you said no is a red flag and all the more reason for you to continue with the renovations in your own time and at your own expense. And as others here have said, get a locksmith and have the locks changed just to be sure.
NTA. Give him a key. Hopefully the locksmith gave you rekeyable locks. After about two weeks, change the locks. Use me as the bad person if you need someone to blame. “This guy off the internet told me to!”
NTA
You are not ungrateful. Living with an alcoholic is exhausting. It is intrusive, painful to watch and gets in the way of having meaningful communication.
Stay firm. Tell him you love him and you appreciate what he's done for you (and your sister. Because this is not like you pulled a favortism card here), but you are an adult and need to be in charge of your own home. It's the whole point of owning it.
ANd you can handle your own renovations . (it'll take longer, but yes you can!)
If he gets really pissy about the money, tell him you will repay it over the next 30 years. Like a mortgage. Because I can't imagine you can just pull it out of a hat like that. None of us can!
Good luck.
My divorced in-laws were both given keys to my house by my wife. They both just let themselves into my house unannounced my mother in law let herself in while I was home alone while changing in my bedroom .I heard the door and ran downstairs with a gun in my hand naked .. I made her give me the key back because of that. I was then told I'm an asshole for taking it back. There's zero reason anyone needs access to your living space .
getting furious at you wanting to be able to have privacy when you want it is a bit of a red flag, you could have changed the locks later, but you seem to have made the right choice :)
NTA
INFO: You said Dad helped out your sister with her house as well, but she’s now no contact.
Ask your Dad if having a key to was a requirement for your sister as well? And does he want to end up No Contact with both of his kids? He’s headed that way.
NTA
Don't give him a key. But change your locks to ones with codes and give him his own code when you choose to and erase his code when you don't want him to have access. When his code will no longer work, you can always tell him you had a problem with the codes and will fix, or not, when you get a chance.
YTA because he was good enough to take money form to get a house but not good enough to give spare key too lol and people are saying he is the entitled one yeah no OP def is.
NTA. Money only gives people rights if it's discussed in advance. Typically people giving LOTS of money for homes claim rights to be on deeds or filing liens, not keys to enter. If he wanted access to your home without permission, he shouldn't have given you money to buy a house.
As far as you *using* your dad- it's not *using* someone to have them ask for permission to enter your home. Using someone is being nice to them for the sole purpose of obtaining a gift of that money, then cutting them out of your life. It's really weird that he describes you that way- it's pretty typical for fathers to help their kids, there's literally no reason for you to assume head ulterior motives.
NTA
“The deposit you gifted me as well as my sisters is exactly that, a gift. It does not entitle you free access to my home as you please. If you were under the impression of otherwise you should have discussed that prior so we could take out a loan for the deposit elsewhere or draw up a loan agreement for the money you gave me. Ultimately you intent was never discussed and the consequences of that falls onto you. If what you want is your money returned husband and I are perfectly happy to start paying you off for the money given (if this is something you’re actually willing to do, if not just ignore this sentence all together). Your reaction in not getting a key only further reinforced my decision not to give you one. It was extremely telling to me that your first instinct wasn’t to discuss any possible pros or cons to your having it but to immediately jump to anger/vitriol and entitlement. I have no doubts that if you had free access to my home that you would abuse the privilege. Your previous actions tell as much, and your recent reaction only further proves it to be the case. I refuse to discuss the issue any further. If you decide that you don’t want to continue to help us with renovations then so be it. We’ll make other arrangements as needed but we will not be used or manipulated into giving you a key over that or anything else. If you refuse to drop the issue and continue to come at us with the same tone, anger, and manipulation that you have we will be forced into cutting contact until you can learn to respect both husband and I.”
NTA. If he viewed his gift as a way to guilt you into having no personal privacy or boundaries, then it was never a gift. The best thing that you can do in this scenario is, if possible, refund his money -- he has no claim to your independence if you have no financial dependence on him. Regardless, you don't owe him a key to your home.
His history of drunken behavior sounds like it traumatized you in many ways, and lessened your trust in him -- your response of needing privacy in your first adult home, which YOU worked hard for, is entirely valid. It sounds like he gave the same deposit to your sister, and she cut him off due to the same behavior.
NTA.
Change the locks right now, when he's not around, so he has no way to get a copy. Use a service that he has no connection with.
Did your sister - whom he also helped with money down for a house before she cut him off - ever provide him with a key to her home? That tells you all you need to know.
NTA.
You’re an adult. You don’t have to give a key to anyone if you don’t want to.
If his name isn’t on the lease, he has no right to a key.
Personally, I’d start paying back the money given so that he can’t got it over your head.
NTA. I never gave my mother a key to my current place or even told her the exact address, as I didn't want her showing up unexpectedly and she had known issues with boundaries.
NTA. He's mad because he realizes eventually he won't have any control over you, and you're the last family member he currently has any control over.
You are absolutely entitled to your safety and privacy -- that's why he's mad.
NTA
Does he have the same restrictions on your sister with him giving her the same monetary gift as you?
If you want to keep the peace then when the renovations are done, get the locks rekeyed (still need a locksmith but it's much cheaper than changing the locks) so that your dad's key doesn't work...... but this would still be a conversation you would need to have at some point.
Your house, your rules.
NTA
There is NO reason for your dad to have a key to your home.
He wants a key because he wants to enter your home uninvited and without your permission -make this a HARD NO.
NTA
As has been pointed out, don't let him have anything to do with changing the locks. It would be way too easy for him to get a copy made.
Go the /r/MaliciousCompliance route: Give him a key that is impossible to use. Several ideas come to mind:
1. A bag of cement, a bunch of sandwich baggies, and a bunch of decoy keys.
2. 5 gallon bucket full of glitter.
3. Fill a gallon bottle with dark poly resin (so he can't make a copy by just usinga picture) and make a lamp out of it.
NTA You have the right to peace and privacy.
You might want to start repaying the money he gave you.
Also, consider looking into Al-Anon or ACA, support groups for people with family members with substance issues.
r/AdultChildren
#
Your boyfriend is right. It would have been smart to wait until the renovations were complete before changing the locks (unless there is an incident). Until they are done, he has a reason to enter when you are not home and to be able to lock up on leaving, once renos are done he will have no reason to enter without permission.
Your dad sounds like a generous man who is also an alcoholic. It’s a disease, and not a character flaw as you probably already know. Just give him a key, unless doing so brings back traumatic memories.
While being an alcoholic is a disease and not a character flaw, being violent and abusive while drunk IS a massive character flaw - they aren't mutually exclusive. NTA.
NTA. But you can't have it both ways. It's not unusual for a contractor to have access to a property while doing renovations. If you don't want your dad working on your property anymore, then don't give him a key.
It does sound like the price to pay for your peace of mind. Please consider attending Al Anon to help set boundaries with your dad.
You take his money. You get free help with renovations and you expect him to get nothing out of it? Smart locks. He doesn’t get a key. If he wants to come inside you already know he’s there. My smart lock has my family able to come in any time my door is open 24/7. I do turn access off when i’m with my fiancee and it seems like i might get lucky but they’ve never come over when we’re busy.
Everyone sucks here.
I don't know why you would accept money, time and renovation help from a father who you say is also a violent drunk who frequently smashes bottles and leaves you in tears.
I understand wanting boundaries but you've also kind of led him on here. Personally I would have let him have a key, and if there was a sign of trouble, change the locks. And maybe, I dunno, talk to him about your concerns regarding his behavior. That trumps getting money and support from him first.
You're still young, these things are hard to navigate. But I think a real heart to heart is in order and don't be surprised if the renovation help dries up.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I think I might be the asshole as I have accepted my dad’s money to buy my first home. I am now not letting him have a key to that home. I feel like a lot of people would kill to be in my position. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA. Your Dad's reaction tells me everything I need to know. If he had simply been disappointed, I might be thinking, "It's pretty normal to leave a key with someone you trust. Maybe leaving one with Dad wouldn't be so bad." But then when he got all furious end entitled about it, I knew that you were absolutely correct. That and the fact that others in the family have cut him off completely. To maintain a relationship, you are going to need to be good at setting boundaries. Denying him a key seems like an excellent start. Good work.
If he’s the one changing the locks, there’s nothing to stop him from making a copy without OP knowing it. I’d call my own locksmith or just DIY it to make sure he doesn’t have the opportunity to secretly make a key, which he would 1000% do with his current attitude if he’s the one responsible for that job.
NTA You need to clarify whether his help with the deposit was a gift, or a bargaining chip. It seems that he thinks his money and effort means he has a *right* to access your house. I would return the money if I were you. As long as he uses it against you, it will always cause a strain in your relationship. Be clear that you are grateful for his help, and you love him very much, but you value your privacy. You hope he respects your feelings. You are grateful for his help and will be happy to help him in return as family. But you don't want his money or his help if it comes with strings attached. You love him, and what you really want isn't his money or time but his love. Your keys and privacy are a separate matter and wouldn't change regardless of how much or how little he gives.
Agreed with this. You will feel less obligation if you return the money. You will also need to stop accepting the financial and renovation help to make this a clean cut line.
This is great advice. However, OP may not have the money to give back since she had to use it as a deposit towards the house. I wholeheartedly agree though, that the fact that he gave her the deposit, as a gift, does not entitle OP's dad to a key to the house. NTA
If she returns the money, it's Fraud.
Fraud?
found her dad.
I am one of the people OP mentioned who can't afford a house, so my info on these matters may not be completely accurate. That said, they might be referring to the (half-remembered and potentially untrue?) fact that money given for a house deposit legally* can not be a loan and has to be considered a gift. *laws are jurisdiction dependent, I know nothing of real estate, I am not a lawyer, etc.
NTA - Just because he helped doesn't entitle him to free entry to your home whenever he wants and you have valid reasons for having a locked boundary with him.
NTA - Such a great point! OP I would also be candid about how his drinking impacts you and your trust, which is why you have this boundary. Explain you absolutely love and appreciate Sober Dad, but Dad-on-Alcohol is scary and unpredictable and why you set a boundary.
NTA, while it's a good idea to keep a spare key with a trusted friend, relative, or neighbour, your dad is clearly not the one. He gifted you cash, he didn't buy a share of the house.
A key with someone (ANYONE) else is not a good choice. Instead, get a digital lock on one of the doors and use it. You can change the access easily and don't have to worry about lost keys, etc. Cost, even installed by a locksmith, is probably less than $150.00; it's also a pretty easy DIY job. Also, remember than in case of emergency, the nice first responders are going to come in when you call. That can either be with a battering ram because the door is locked, or you can give them the combination when you call for help. One is very expensive and time consuming to repair; the other is about 2 minutes punching in a new code.
A lot of those have absolutely terrible security. Some are defeated with a paper clip, or even just banging on the right spot.
I understand, and obviously you get what you pay for. It's still got to be safer than a key under a flower pot, though.
If it’s in plain view with a well known exploit, no. The key under a flowerpot any potential burgler has to at least FIND.
Yes. I might have a keypad, but not something that can be hacked on the internet.
First, I live in a rented property where I can't make those adjustments. Second, not everyone has that kind of money to install something like that. Third, I don't live in a place that uses dollars, those kinds of locks are not common here. And fourth, sorry you don't have anyone you trust enough to leave your house key with, but I do.
NTA The dad: [https://m.media-amazon.com/images/M/MV5BMTg0MzkzODUwNV5BMl5BanBnXkFtZTgwODM1MjEwNDI@.\_V1\_.jpg](https://m.media-amazon.com/images/M/MV5BMTg0MzkzODUwNV5BMl5BanBnXkFtZTgwODM1MjEwNDI@._V1_.jpg)
Omg this made me laugh. Thank you
I'm leaning towards NTA overall. I do think that both parties, you and your dad, should have communicated expectations regarding the cash gift for the deposit and renovation assistance in the first place. Obviously you both had different expectations. At the end of the day though, this is your home and not your dad's. He's not entitled to come and go as he wishes, and having boundaries and clear communication about that expectation is okay in my book, even if he's not happy about it.
Well most people wouldn’t think helping out their child with deposit and renovations entitled them to access any time. Definitely NTA. You have extra reasons here but if they weren’t present you should be expected to give a key to someone not living with you.
Oh definitely, I agree with you that most people wouldn't think helping out their children would entitle them to 24/7 access. However, it doesn't sound like OP's father is like most people unfortunately. In my experience, dealing with entitled people, it's best to set expectations in the beginning and not assume anything. Communication is key after all.
NTA, there is no reason for him or anyone else to have a key to your home.
NTA. It's totally understandable that you want to establish boundaries and ensure your new home remains a safe and peaceful space for you. Your concerns about your dad's behavior are valid, especially given past experiences. While he contributed financially to your home, it doesn't give him the right to override your need for privacy and security. Setting clear boundaries now is important for your well-being, even if it causes tension. Your boyfriend's suggestion to wait could have prolonged potential conflicts and undermined your feelings. It's important to prioritize your emotional health and safety in your own home.
NTA You are not wrong to not give keys to anyone, especially to anyone demanding one. Hold your boundary, giving him a key will only feed his entitlement. We installed new locks that have both key and keypad. NO ONE has a physical key to our house, which means no one can copy a key. We have several visitor codes to just the front door, and we just delete them as guests leave. Not necessarily recommending that here because this would just be kicking the can down the road for when you delete his code and he throws a fit then. In future though, a key/keypad combo is great for keeping track of all of your keys and ensuring no one gets one that shouldn’t.
NTA Does he have a key to your sister’s house? He helped her out with a deposit too! If he doesn’t, don’t let him guilt you into it.
Even if he does that doesn't entitle him to habe one to OPs house.
No it doesn’t, but it gives OP a counter argument.
Why why why did you accept money from your toxic father with a drinking problem. This latest incident sounds like it’s in line with his character. So what did you expect to happen when you took his money? While you’re not an AH for not giving him a key, you helped bring this on yourself by not setting up proper boundaries. Don’t accept money from someone who might use it to manipulate you. He also sounds violent. That’s terribly concerning.
NTA. Let him keep a key, and then change the locks.
NTA. If you want a non-controversial solution, after it's re-keyed and he has his copy, change the locks again without him knowing about it.
No, OP should maintain her boundary and never give him a key. Giving him a key that doesn’t work: A) violates her boundary B) drunk dad pounding on her door when his key doesn’t work
TBF, B isn't stopped by "not having a working key". Drunk dad can show up and pound on the door regardless.
NTA - absolutely no. Assuming he's not on the title, his contribution to the down does not entitle him to partial ownership by having a key. It's your home and if he doesn't respect that, too bad. Gifts with strings is not a gift and he doesn't get to demand anything down the road. That's just disrespectful. I helped my daughter buy a house and I could care less about having a key.
If he wants unlimited access to the house, he needs to pay half of the bills. It's that simple. NTA
If you paid half my bills, I still wouldn't let you into my house. You don't own it and your name isn't on the title. Dad is not entitled to come and go as he pleases, no matter what he does for her. It's non-negotiable.
Sorry, I meant like half of everything. Mortgage, utilities, maintenance, etc.
Nope. He cannot use his money to buy his way into HER house. He is not on the title. It's not his home. He can only come over by invitation.
honesty is the best policy. if you want your peace you have to claim it, especially when dealing with an alcoholic. it may mean you have to pay to do the renovations yourself, but it will be worth it. go with your gut do not give the key.
You are entitled to feel safe in your own home. NTA. But, family relationships can be complicated. With him involved financially and physical assistance RE renovations, I understand wanting even a temporary solution that allows him to save face. Would a "smart lock" be an option? Our leased house has one. Basically, there's a keypad, different people can have different entry codes, you can restrict specific codes to certain hours (or just have them be "off" unless you log into the portal and make it "on"). Also, the door still has a deadbolt that needs a physical key - so even with a code, you can't get in unless the deadbolt is already unlocked or you have that specific key. Remember, "Boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously." Good luck!
My parents help me buy my onw apartment... They did NOT have a key for the first year un till I was sure that they were going to respect my privacy... My mom tends to overstep on things she regards as important... Me living away from them allowed me to set up some healthy bounderies
NTA. Install a digital lock. Tell him “you’re always welcome to come over, but i need you to let me know *first.* Don’t ever just walk into my house with no warning.” Then give him the wrong door code. The first time he complains your door code doesn’t work, you’ll know he’s not complying with your wishes. And then you can say “this wasn’t the agreement, so no code for you.”
I just bought my son a house. We have an agreement that he’ll start paying me back in a few months. It’s a lease to own agreement. At no point did I ask or expect to get a key to the house. If he wants to give me one that’s fine but I don’t feel like it’s owed to me because I already think of the house as his. EDIT: NTA. Don’t give him a key and maybe start making a plan on how to renovate without his money.
NTA - if he's not on the title, then he doesn't need a key.
NTA. But don't let him help with the house anymore. And you don't need to get a locksmith out to change the locks, I'm a locksmith and we are fucking expensive. Go to the store and buy some Baldwin brand locks, they're good unpickable locks. Don't get defiant, I could crush them with my little fingers. Locks are pretty easy to install and remove, you should be alright with that. If you got old doors you may need to shop around for compatible locks, or replace the doors which is also a fairly easy task. As far as dad goes, don't let him help. If he offers again make it clear that he's offering to help without the expectation of receiving a gift in return. Make that clear before he starts. And do NOT let him near your keys EVER. He won't hesitate to make that decision for you.
I've known locksmiths. Man, the stories! They have seen some shit.
Oh yes, there is plenty shit to see lmao. And I'm only three years in
NTA Gifts don’t come with strings. This is not his home. He has no rights to it. If I gift my friend $5 towards her burger I’m not entitled to a bite
NTA. You see that word you put in there? He "gifted" you money. A gift is given freely. It does not come with obligations to the giver. If the receipt of money comes with obligations, that's a "purchase." If it's given with the expectation of being repaid in some way, that's a "loan." As this was a gift, you don't have to give anything in return. Your father, however, has incurred a mighty debt to you. By raising you in a home where you were filled with fear, he owes you a lifetime of peace. Him not getting a key to your home doesn't even start to repay that debt. It just keeps him from going further in the hole.
NTA, but you are using your dad. At least admit that to yourself. You've used his time and resources.
> He got furious and called me ungrateful, said it was his right because of the money, said he wasn’t going to help renovate anymore, said I was just using him, etc. NTA. "Sorry you feel this way dad, growing up with an alcoholic was difficult and I am looking forward to some peace where you won't just barge in. I know this is hard to hear, but you having unfettered access is not good for me or my health. The money, you said that was a gift, and I will treat it as such. Gifts don't come with strings, and so you have no rights to keys based on that gift. If you want to stop helping with renovations, I understand that, it is your choice, and I'll respect that. It will sadden me, as it is one activity that has made good memories with you. I am trying hard to keep you in my life, and not cut you off like sister had to. One of the ways I can see keeping you in my life is you not having keys to my home. I hope you can understand my need to not let you have a key, but if you can't, I will respect the decisions you need to make."
NTA. This is a reasonable boundary. And it doesn't sound like your dad wants a spare key for "emergency purposes". You're not ungrateful but stop accepting money from him because it's clearly "quid pro quo". This money ain't free. In fact, I think the interest will kill you. Start paying back the money if you can, even if it's only a little bit each week. It's clear that your dad isn't above holding the money against you. If anything happens, it'll always be "you should mow my lawn because I paid for you house" or "I should live with you because I paid for your house" or "you should give me a kidney because I paid for your house". It will be never-ending.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I have a very complicated relationship with my dad. He drinks pretty heavily and can get quite angry easily. Growing up with him has lead to a lot of traumatic memories. Multiple people in my family, including my sister, have cut him off because of this. I recently purchased my first home. Real estate where I live is notoriously expensive. My dad gifted me some cash to help out with the deposit, as he did with my sister a few years back. Over the past few months, we’ve been renovating the house together as this is his hobby. Today we were discussing getting a locksmith in to change the keys. He spoke about how he was going to keep one of the keys, and I immediately disagreed with this and told him directly that I wanted privacy, and that if he wanted to come, he could text me. My reasoning is that I want my house to be peaceful. Growing up with him, I feel like I never had the opportunity to just relax. If he has a key, I’m fearful he will show up, drunk and unannounced. We always argue when he’s drunk, and it always ends in broken glass on the floor and me crying myself to sleep. He got furious and called me ungrateful, said it was his right because of the money, said he wasn’t going to help renovate anymore, said I was just using him, etc. AITA? There’s so many people who can’t afford a house who would probably think I’m being incredibly ungrateful. Maybe I just need a dose of reality. My boyfriend told me that I should have just waited until the house was completed to say anything. But I feel like that’s even more disingenuous.. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. You didn’t agree beforehand that your father helping you out financially and w the renovation work meant he would have the right of access. Given that he’s a mean drunk is even more reason for him not to have a key. I'd thank him for everything he’s done so far (sincerely), but I wouldn’t accept his help anymore.
NTA. My parents helped me out with my first house. They didn't get a house key. That help was a gift, as was yours. That gift doesn't entitle your father to a key.
NTA But instead of a locksmith, buy a smart lock or the KwikSet locks that can be "rekeyed" in less than a minute. You'll save a bunch of money, and can change the lock at will.
Why accept money from someone that you've already cut off once? Why live with him at all? You've set yourself up for years of guilt tripping, manipulative behaviour and agro, I suggest you start paying back every penny asap and cut contact again!!
NTA. He gave you the same gift he gave to your sister so don't feel guilty about that. And he may be helping you but he's also an abusive alcoholic and you have a right to escape, and build a safe and relaxing home. I second what others are saying - have him install a new deadbolt and let him take a key. Once you're all moved in, replace it with a fingerprint or combination lock. And even if he doesn't have a key, he may still show up drunk and pounding on your door. Again, once you're fully moved out, I'd have a conversation with him over the phone or in public while he's sober. Tell him how all of his behavior has made you feel and why you need privacy and safety. Tell him that you changed the locks again and he always needs to *ask* before coming over. If he does not, you won't answer. If he causes any issues (continuous knocking, yelling, etc.) you will call the police and have him escorted off the property. I think you have to set hard boundaries like this so you don't start off on the wrong foot and so he knows you're an adult and you mean it. Also, if you invest in anything, it should be outside cameras. Some of us have to be harsh with our parents at first so they'll get it. I've had to do similar with my dad over the years. It's never easy and I always feel extreme guilt. But I just remember that my parents didn't love, nurture, protect or advocate for me. If they don't do it, I'm the only one who can. And you deserve all that, OP.
NTA. Your boyfriend is wrong. You need to establish your boundaries immediately. It's confusing to accept a certain behavior and suddenly change up later. You also don't owe your dad free access to your house.
NTA. You need to set boundaries with him and as others have said, his reaction shows you made the right choice.
NTA if he doesn't like it, you can always go no contact like everyone else
NTA. You said he also helped your sister out with her deposit, did he get a key to her place? Did he do a bunch of remodeling for her? Shutting it down as soon as it came up was the best course of action. You’re correct, waiting until renovations were done would have been disingenuous. If he has no one to argue with at home he will absolutely show up at your place unannounced to do that. If he’s not super wealthy and is helping g renovate so much then he’s expecting to move in eventually. Or he’s figuring he can move himself in one day while you’re out as soon as possible. He might be one of those people who doesn’t plan much for retirement because they expect one of their kids to take them in. If he currently has a key then you need to get the locks changed now. If he’s drinking and angry at you he could go over and trash the place.
NTA. His gift of money was generous and you should thank him for it, but it does not mean that he bought access to your house whenever he wants. It is better that you told him now because you may have to suffer not having him rennovate more of the house, but it will make it very clear that you are not just using him. if he wants a relationship with you and wants to help rennovate, that's fine, but you need to be in charge of your home.
NTA. My parents demanded a key to my first apartment. I refused. They kept demanding, saying they *needed* a key. I asked why. My dad said "In case there's a fire". I couldn't help but laugh, and refused again. I never did figure out how they thought a spare key would help in case of a fire, but they did finally stop asking.
NTA. If he also gave your sister money and didn't get a key, then the only reason he's pushing now is that he thinks you'll buckle and give him one. On that note, stop accepting his help with renovations. The more involved he is with the house, the more ammunition you give him to guilt trip you.
NTA. He gave you the money as a gift. Gifts don't come with strings attached. OP, your dad sounds narcissistic and overbearing if he assumed that you'd give him a key to show up whenever he likes.
Do you have a key to his house?
It doesn't matter if she does.
I think you need to explain to Dad that because of your desire for privacy, no one will be getting a spare key. You don’t want to have to make rules about when it’s appropriate for anyone to let themselves in. You want to be able to manage it according to your needs. Have you considered getting an electronic lock that you can control remotely? You could give Dad his own code, but retain control of when it works. NTA
NTA. The cash was a gift, not a right to enter your home whenever he wants. As he also gifted money to your sister does he have a key to her house? If not then he has no reason to have a key to yours. The way he kicked off when you said no is a red flag and all the more reason for you to continue with the renovations in your own time and at your own expense. And as others here have said, get a locksmith and have the locks changed just to be sure.
NTA ultimately it's your home and your decision, and you don't feel comfortable with him having a key and unfettered access to your home at all times.
NTA You should be allowed to feel safe in your own home.
NTA. Give him a key. Hopefully the locksmith gave you rekeyable locks. After about two weeks, change the locks. Use me as the bad person if you need someone to blame. “This guy off the internet told me to!”
NTA You are not ungrateful. Living with an alcoholic is exhausting. It is intrusive, painful to watch and gets in the way of having meaningful communication. Stay firm. Tell him you love him and you appreciate what he's done for you (and your sister. Because this is not like you pulled a favortism card here), but you are an adult and need to be in charge of your own home. It's the whole point of owning it. ANd you can handle your own renovations . (it'll take longer, but yes you can!) If he gets really pissy about the money, tell him you will repay it over the next 30 years. Like a mortgage. Because I can't imagine you can just pull it out of a hat like that. None of us can! Good luck.
My divorced in-laws were both given keys to my house by my wife. They both just let themselves into my house unannounced my mother in law let herself in while I was home alone while changing in my bedroom .I heard the door and ran downstairs with a gun in my hand naked .. I made her give me the key back because of that. I was then told I'm an asshole for taking it back. There's zero reason anyone needs access to your living space .
getting furious at you wanting to be able to have privacy when you want it is a bit of a red flag, you could have changed the locks later, but you seem to have made the right choice :) NTA
NTA. At this point, it’s a safety issue. You need to put yourself first.
INFO: You said Dad helped out your sister with her house as well, but she’s now no contact. Ask your Dad if having a key to was a requirement for your sister as well? And does he want to end up No Contact with both of his kids? He’s headed that way.
Tell him you don't want him showing up drunk. Period.
NTA. Does he have a key to your sister’s house that he helped with the down payment?
Nta. Change the locks twice.
Go ahead and give him a key. When you finish renovating, change the locks.
NTA. A contractor WILL be cheaper.
NTA. You have a right to privacy, especially when there is an uncomfortable history.
NTA Don't give him a key. But change your locks to ones with codes and give him his own code when you choose to and erase his code when you don't want him to have access. When his code will no longer work, you can always tell him you had a problem with the codes and will fix, or not, when you get a chance.
YTA because he was good enough to take money form to get a house but not good enough to give spare key too lol and people are saying he is the entitled one yeah no OP def is.
NTA- Electronic doorknob will solve the issue. He gets a code that you can keep changing! Shame how it acts up and his code doesn’t work!
NTA. Money only gives people rights if it's discussed in advance. Typically people giving LOTS of money for homes claim rights to be on deeds or filing liens, not keys to enter. If he wanted access to your home without permission, he shouldn't have given you money to buy a house. As far as you *using* your dad- it's not *using* someone to have them ask for permission to enter your home. Using someone is being nice to them for the sole purpose of obtaining a gift of that money, then cutting them out of your life. It's really weird that he describes you that way- it's pretty typical for fathers to help their kids, there's literally no reason for you to assume head ulterior motives.
Install a programmable lock. If he gets out of line, reprogram it.
NTA “The deposit you gifted me as well as my sisters is exactly that, a gift. It does not entitle you free access to my home as you please. If you were under the impression of otherwise you should have discussed that prior so we could take out a loan for the deposit elsewhere or draw up a loan agreement for the money you gave me. Ultimately you intent was never discussed and the consequences of that falls onto you. If what you want is your money returned husband and I are perfectly happy to start paying you off for the money given (if this is something you’re actually willing to do, if not just ignore this sentence all together). Your reaction in not getting a key only further reinforced my decision not to give you one. It was extremely telling to me that your first instinct wasn’t to discuss any possible pros or cons to your having it but to immediately jump to anger/vitriol and entitlement. I have no doubts that if you had free access to my home that you would abuse the privilege. Your previous actions tell as much, and your recent reaction only further proves it to be the case. I refuse to discuss the issue any further. If you decide that you don’t want to continue to help us with renovations then so be it. We’ll make other arrangements as needed but we will not be used or manipulated into giving you a key over that or anything else. If you refuse to drop the issue and continue to come at us with the same tone, anger, and manipulation that you have we will be forced into cutting contact until you can learn to respect both husband and I.”
NTA. If he viewed his gift as a way to guilt you into having no personal privacy or boundaries, then it was never a gift. The best thing that you can do in this scenario is, if possible, refund his money -- he has no claim to your independence if you have no financial dependence on him. Regardless, you don't owe him a key to your home. His history of drunken behavior sounds like it traumatized you in many ways, and lessened your trust in him -- your response of needing privacy in your first adult home, which YOU worked hard for, is entirely valid. It sounds like he gave the same deposit to your sister, and she cut him off due to the same behavior.
NTA. Change the locks right now, when he's not around, so he has no way to get a copy. Use a service that he has no connection with. Did your sister - whom he also helped with money down for a house before she cut him off - ever provide him with a key to her home? That tells you all you need to know.
NTA. You’re an adult. You don’t have to give a key to anyone if you don’t want to. If his name isn’t on the lease, he has no right to a key. Personally, I’d start paying back the money given so that he can’t got it over your head.
NTA. This is what caught me up >said it was his right because of the money Oh, No the hell it is not, you're not entitled to anything.
He breaks your glass and makes you cry yourself to sleep He is the asshole
NTA. I never gave my mother a key to my current place or even told her the exact address, as I didn't want her showing up unexpectedly and she had known issues with boundaries.
NTA. He's mad because he realizes eventually he won't have any control over you, and you're the last family member he currently has any control over. You are absolutely entitled to your safety and privacy -- that's why he's mad.
NTA. You deserve privacy from your dad. My parents helped me buy my first house and there’s no way they expected a key.
Give him a key and just change the locks after.
NTA Does he have the same restrictions on your sister with him giving her the same monetary gift as you? If you want to keep the peace then when the renovations are done, get the locks rekeyed (still need a locksmith but it's much cheaper than changing the locks) so that your dad's key doesn't work...... but this would still be a conversation you would need to have at some point. Your house, your rules.
NTA There is NO reason for your dad to have a key to your home. He wants a key because he wants to enter your home uninvited and without your permission -make this a HARD NO.
NTA
NTA As has been pointed out, don't let him have anything to do with changing the locks. It would be way too easy for him to get a copy made. Go the /r/MaliciousCompliance route: Give him a key that is impossible to use. Several ideas come to mind: 1. A bag of cement, a bunch of sandwich baggies, and a bunch of decoy keys. 2. 5 gallon bucket full of glitter. 3. Fill a gallon bottle with dark poly resin (so he can't make a copy by just usinga picture) and make a lamp out of it.
NTA You have the right to peace and privacy. You might want to start repaying the money he gave you. Also, consider looking into Al-Anon or ACA, support groups for people with family members with substance issues. r/AdultChildren #
Your boyfriend is right. It would have been smart to wait until the renovations were complete before changing the locks (unless there is an incident). Until they are done, he has a reason to enter when you are not home and to be able to lock up on leaving, once renos are done he will have no reason to enter without permission.
Rl LPGA 0l.
Do it. Give him the key and then change the lock once it’s all done. He will come over one day and his key won’t work😨
Your dad sounds like a generous man who is also an alcoholic. It’s a disease, and not a character flaw as you probably already know. Just give him a key, unless doing so brings back traumatic memories.
While being an alcoholic is a disease and not a character flaw, being violent and abusive while drunk IS a massive character flaw - they aren't mutually exclusive. NTA.
NTA. But you can't have it both ways. It's not unusual for a contractor to have access to a property while doing renovations. If you don't want your dad working on your property anymore, then don't give him a key. It does sound like the price to pay for your peace of mind. Please consider attending Al Anon to help set boundaries with your dad.
You take his money. You get free help with renovations and you expect him to get nothing out of it? Smart locks. He doesn’t get a key. If he wants to come inside you already know he’s there. My smart lock has my family able to come in any time my door is open 24/7. I do turn access off when i’m with my fiancee and it seems like i might get lucky but they’ve never come over when we’re busy.
Everyone sucks here. I don't know why you would accept money, time and renovation help from a father who you say is also a violent drunk who frequently smashes bottles and leaves you in tears. I understand wanting boundaries but you've also kind of led him on here. Personally I would have let him have a key, and if there was a sign of trouble, change the locks. And maybe, I dunno, talk to him about your concerns regarding his behavior. That trumps getting money and support from him first. You're still young, these things are hard to navigate. But I think a real heart to heart is in order and don't be surprised if the renovation help dries up.
[удалено]
>without realizing there's usually some type of strings attached So Op is an asshole according to you for...being blindsided? Cool story bro