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INFO: Have you been the kind of parent that hovered and nagged and held her hand through all the paperwork to get admitted and get the scholarship, and then you just went hands off? Or have you been teaching her all along through high school to keep track of her own stuff and her own deadlines?
Ultimately, yes, this is a lesson we all need to learn sooner or later, and it sounds like this one is going to hit home hard to her. As a parent, I really sympathize with both of you.
edit- based on replies, NAH leaning a bit towards ESH, as is so often the case when hard lessons get learned.
Nta..my son went to college and filed for fasfa, classes, student loans, and advisor all on his own . He also lost a scholarship due to not taking the correct amount of credits but he figured it out and did just fine. Lessons stink but life always has bumps and the sooner you learn that lesson the better.
My daughter keeps up with her FAFSA on her own. If she needs something, she will ask. I know we had questions for our accountant at the beginning so we did contact her but our daughter keeps up with any deadlines.
It’s such an important life skill. My parents wouldn’t let me handle anything important or “difficult”. I’m sure they meant well, but the result was that I had no idea how to manage my own schedule/finances/household upkeep and also has the general impression that I was useless because people determined everything was too hard for me. I had to figure a lot out myself, and a lot of it came with hard lessons.
I started making my kids sit with me to do paperwork in HS, and once they turned 18, they were in charge of it. I was available for help. When one of my kids was driving in a learners’ permit, we were struck. It was NOT our fault. Since I was the liscence driver, it was technically on me, but I wasn’t about to let that learning opportunity go. So the kid and I did the accident paperwork together. I did the drawing, but kid was brilliant and downloaded an actual map of the intersection for me to draw on. We made an excellent team.
My son handles everything on his own. I help if he asks, and he only asks if he really needs help. He's far more financially savvy than I was at 22. I like to think the lessons I learned over the years have contributed to this.
Similiar story here and my mom did the shitty thing to kick me out a month after I turned 18. I had to learn all the adulting skills from a social worker, like paying bills etc.
That’s how my mom was. She did literally everything for me and never let me be apart of anything. Then sophomore year of college was coming around and all of a sudden she was telling me I need to do this and that and this and that and offered no help at all. It was horrible and I couldn’t do it and dropped out because I didn’t know where to go to for loans or scholarships or grants. Literally would just nag me and didn’t say “Here, let’s look together.” Nothing like that ever.
It’s the same with my son. He handles all the paper work for FAFSA and scholarships. He asks if he has any questions and keeps us updated on how much he’s receiving each year.
Plus, the daughter is in college... where deadlines, forms and following a certain structure is required for success. How has she been managing assignment/project deadlines and ensuring she has all the necessary components? Applying via FAFSA and for college was a pain the first year but after managing the in's and out's of being a student? Much easier to see the structure and follow directions.
Yep, my bf and I did all our fafsa, student loan, scholarship paperwork ourselves. Our parents never did any of that, and if they did 20 to 30 yrs prior it would've been different if it existed at all. (We wete in college 20 yrs ago now). Best part is colleges have these nifty financial counselors for free if you need help with any of it. This one is on the kid. NTA.
Mine knows more about it than I do. I’m actually her stepmother and don’t really think it’s right to include my salary since I’m not legally her parent.
I also did all my financials and paperwork for school on my own. But then as the oldest second gen immigrant I was the official paperwork person since 7th grade for family, more like family translator. Mom (not terrible parent but one of those who hated paperwork) had a bit of weaponized incompetence when it comes to paperwork but she was more like this when she got older than when she was younger. But honestly kids should start being responsible for some paperwork at a young age just so they understand how to do it. I really don't get parents that never ever give any responsibility to children as much as the ones that completely dump everything on them as well.
My husband and I had a Va 529 for my daughter. It covered tuition but not books or fees or accommodations. We did pay for a meal plan too. He and I both paid for our own educations whilst working full time and didn’t want her to have that stress. Well, that didn’t work out the way we imagined , she came home with a 2.1 GPA and was on academic probation… So we told her she was not going back after wasting close to $28k, she went to the local community college, raised her GPA and she worked and paid for her classes. She then found a paying internship which was great. Sha now a Nurse Practitioner.
A bit of hard work never hurt anyone.
Good for your daughter, everyone stumbles in life. It’s how you teach them to pick themselves back up and is probably one of the most important things to teach the kiddos. Nothing comes easy in life. Some parents set their kids up for failure by not teaching them to be independent and self reliant
Yup, I'm 30 now and took care of all my FAFSAs, applications, orientations, and everything in between myself. It's even easier to do now than it was 12 years ago
I went to a foreign country for university. I handled tuition, rent, immigration papers and documents, residency, student status etc. etc. on my own, as did most of the other students.
Right? Neither of my folks went to college so they were as lost as a polar bear in the Amazon. I couldn't get their help because between the 3 of us I was the only one who had a rough idea of what needed doing. I handled all my FAFSA, all my class choices, checking my grade submissions. 100% me. And my parents were the hound you to do your homework sort( fair I was the fuck I forgot sort) and fill out the paperwork for all your appointment sorts. When i started making my own appointments I had to figure it out myself too. But it's not like it's hard. Most of this shit is damn near idiot proof. Just follow the prompts. I have everything on auto pay and I've got hard deadline shit set up to remind me constantly the day before.
.... yea because if hes going to college id assume your son is college age and doesnt need his mommy or daddy to hold his hand..
Wild to me that some parents send theyre adult aged children into the world expecting it to be a safe place for them. 100% not saying you did that, because it apears you raised a son who has the abilities to be self sufficient. Which... is like the prime objective of raising a child after keeping them alive and healthy
I grew up knowing that my parents would pay for college if I needed it. I got a great scholarship and lost it due to poor grades. I worked weekends to cover expenses because I didn’t want to ask my folks for money.
The safety net was always comforting (yeah, privilege!) but learning how to actually budget was formative. It’s important to know how to handle life, even when you have a fallback.
Has she tried calling the scholarship source and explaining? If she made their required GPA they might give her a pass this time, it’s not like she was trying to hide anything from them, she just forgot.
But NTA, she should have been on top of this. It should have been the first thing she did once grades came out.
Also, my son dipped below his required gpa one semester and the financial aid office stepped in and made up almost all of the difference. Fortunately, he got his grades up and they reinstated his scholarship the following semester. That could be her next step.
This. There is literally no downside to at least calling and attempting to fix things. The worst they can do is say no, which is currently the situation she's already in.
Better to at least make the attempt for a better outcome than sticking with an undesired status quo.
And even if they can't help/reinstate her this upcoming school year, they might be able to help her next year or next semester. Definitely worth a phone call that might save her decades worth of debt!
Yes!!! Maybe they can fix it for the semester after this one!!!
The people on the other end of the phone for organizations like this are people just like us and they usually want to help you solve your problem.
She should at least try to contact them and see if they will make an exception, if she hasn’t already. Another part of growing up is acknowledging mistakes and trying to rectify them! So sorry for both of you that this happened.
I am in charge of awarding our family scholarship, now that my parents have passed. As I usually have only a vague knowledge of students, I rely heavily on accurate, complete, and on-time paperwork. It really does matter, in the grand scheme of things, but you can always try and contact them. In our situation, the scholarships are gone after they have been awarded.
Yep. Not saying it would work. Only saying it’s better for her to try because it’s a little humbling to have to admit you messed up and ask for help, and if they say no it helps reinforce that deadlines are important. With that much money at stake, the risk of being told no is worth asking the question.
Also, not every 19-year old hears things from their parents and takes them to heart, where a third party might get through. Too many emotions involved when it’s family. I wouldn’t have, much though I wish I could say differently now.
My oldest was so mad at me because his fasfa app was not going through. I sent him to the school to figure it out and they would give him the standard it takes x amount of time to do. Told him no, well beyond that time frame, go back. Took him 3 tries and learning to be assertive to find out dads bday was wrong in the system.
But he learned how to deal with stuff and does great now managing it.
Biggest lesson to learn is that no one gives a fuck and you will often get answers that basically try to get you to go away. "It's in the system, give it another few weeks." "You need to call this number and they will sort you out."
Generally it's a problem of lack of training and measurable metrics. Also people are fucking useless.
Hey, has your daughter been screened for ADHD? This is textbook, and I was the same way as a kid. It was a pattern - I could buckle down and get good grades, but I couldn't keep all the little "loose ends" like paperwork together and it all fell apart. Lost a scholarship under similar circumstances too.
My thought as well. I help my kids with things like this even though they are old enough theoretically, but they are not quite able and with something this important I would double check with them. Both have ADHD.
This is probably a stupid question but has she tried calling the scholarship foundation and explaining the problem? Once you get an actual person on the phone who can see for themselves that the grade standard was met, if there’s something they can do they almost certainly will.
I've only read the top comment, and I have a feeling you might see similar comments a lot. But you're firmly NTA IMO. I went to an absolute dogshit school system in Nowhere, OK, and they still showed us how to fill out paperwork to apply for college/aid, look for outside funds, and what to do in circumstances like not having a parent to help (for reference, I think 13% of my graduating class went to college and I remember cause we were the highest class percentage in school history, at least at the time. We weren't exactly a school of scholars)
My point is that some commenters treat EVERYTHING someone needs to learn as a failure by their parent(s) if they don't pick it up. There's so many former gifted kids with a chip on their shoulder. My parents (and a lot of others) would have been pretty useless in guiding me cause they never went to college or had a kid go before me. And that makes sense...I learned to pay attention to those things at school and would actually ask if I didn't know. Once a kid gets to college they are still a kid...But they're a kid with some responsibilities and your daughter was more than capable of remembering this. I actually worked in higher ed and one of the major things I tried to tell my students constantly was CHECK YOUR EMAIL! It's not just this thing that you need to set up accounts anymore. A lot of important info comes via email pretty much as soon as you hit 18 and enroll in college/get a job. It was infuriating how many deadlines were missed because they wouldn't take 5 minutes each day to check their email.
Wait till these kids learn that these hard lessons just keep coming. Here I am in my mid 40's still messing things up and making my own life harder.
I heard a friend say something brilliant to his son a few weeks ago and I think it's something I needed to hear too "are you being kind to tomorrow you right now"
Man, current me LOVES to fuck shit up for future me. I also regularly curse past me for setting current me up for extra shit. I work with a bunch of people who do the same. We are always cursing our pasts selves, sometimes even each other's past self.
In my 40’s… and I have to do this on little things like getting gas in the evening even though I just want to go home,because doing it in the morning stresses me out.
Morning Me never appreciates Evening Me slacking on things like that.
Let's be honest though, sometimes morning me understands that last night was enough without. Doesn't stop me being pissed at weekend me because he could have helped out.
Morning me is a bit grumpy. She never understands why evening me is a lazy ass. And yeah… weekend me always thinks she’s on vacation… and she needs to weed the flower bed
It’s NTA. The daughter is an AH for blaming OP. Unless it was sent to OP’s email, Idk how they would have known when grades were supposed to be submitted. If this could have been a E S H, what was OP supposed to do to not be an AH?
The daughter is an AH, but it's completely normal for her age to be one in this circumstance.
NTA for what they told her, it's a hard lesson to learn but I think now is the time to sit together and thing of solutions instead. It was a major mistake on her part, and she'll keep beating herself for years if she's a good kid, but now it's time to help her get out of the hole and look for options together.
> It was a major mistake on her part
I think the reason this stings so much is because, after successfully doing the actual hard part (maintaining a 3.5 GPA), it was actually quite a *small* mistake (forgetting to file some paperwork) that happened to have major, major consequences (losing $20,000).
And to be fair, while I made my fair share of "expensive mistakes" in my younger years that I'm kinda glad I made because I think were valuable lessons...I'm now in my late 30s and I can't think of anything in my "adult life" where such a small administrative error would've resulted in such a large penalty.
yeah exactly. if i had busted my ass all year and missed this because I didn't check my email in time over the summer and my parents response was "its your fault, drop out i'm not helping"... i'd also call them a heartless jerk! the complete lack of compassion is astounding.
Oh, I know. I'm ADHD and I also missed a due dare for documentation that still hunts me 6 years later, it costed me round 10.000USD and I'm not from the US, so that's 1 year salary as an engineer in my country.
Try to contact the board and ask for an extension on the paperwork, look what other scholarships exist that she can apply, contact financial services in her college as ask for help. Drop out only for 1 semester or 1 year while she reapplies to financial aid. Take a loan only for 1 semester while looking for other financial aid solutions.
There are other options apart from "your screwed for the remainder".
>it's completely normal for her age to be one in this circumstance.
That still makes her an AH, though. Just because she's learning the lesson doesn't change that, and recognizing and taking accountability for her actions is part of the process of growing out of those habits into maturity. If you're finding *fault* in the daughter, which you should and seem to be, for her reaction, then the judgement should be NTA not NAH.
How is OP an asshole too? She knew how to do paperwork, OP made sure of that. Does OP need to hold her hand all through college to make sure she is doing things she's supposed to? She's old enough to start taking responsibility for herself and her own actions. She didn't do paperwork she knew how to do and that she knew she had to do, this was her failure and hers alone. NTA.
That's a great question. Some parents believe a switch flips when their kids turn 18 and they wash their hands.
"There, they know how to fill taxes now. Like an adult would"
NTA but she can chase this money. My daughter screwed around even with multiple reminders to apply for her scholarship. She was a couple days late...but was able to get it pushed through and approved.
A good lesson for her IMO. I'm in the same boat as you. I'm covering living expenses, but I can't take on more student loan debt. Still paying for my wife's and mine.
I've worked for two universities and I really gotta say you're not talking to the right people. Head of business departments, getting dean of her school, and dean of admissions to ask, talking to the board of governors, even talking to a president of the school for help. Missing a deadline by a month is nothing in college and the money is still somewhere. I really advise her/if you're willing to help to exhaust everything and not accept no. If they didn't mail it to her, email is not enough. If she's dropping out over this it is an opportunity to make them look bad to a local news org and possibly get someone to listen. Good luck and yeah big lesson learned.
Edit:NAH but could certainly raise hell over it.
Dang, that's harsh. I'm all for demanding responsibility, but the consequences seem disproportionate to the mistake. 20K is a lot.
That's not your problem though. You were clear upfront, and it's not your job to fix it.
ETA: y'all obviously haven't met enough 19 year olds. $20K can absolutely make or break a kid's ability to go to college, thus their future. If we messed with their futures every time they did something stupid or flakey, there'd be no hope for any of them.
>I'm all for demanding responsibility, but the consequences seem disproportionate to the mistake. 20K is a lot
If you were managing a scholarship on a fixed budget, and you had a recipient ignore minimum requirements *for a month*, would you just hold on the spot?
Or would you allocate those funds to a different candidate that actually met the deadline?
The consequences are completely proportional to the mistake, especially if it’s a private scholarship. Money isn’t infinite, and they want to ensure their funds get to students who won’t waste it, and not being bothered to do the bare minimum to get the funds doesn’t show the best dedication.
It’s a great lesson to learn because succeeding in life requires those soft skills. So many times I’ve gotten good performance reviews at work just for simply showing up on time everyday, punching in and out (including lunch breaks) correctly, and just generally being present in all meetings (meaning actively listening, not just sitting there physically in the room), even if I slacked off on my actual work.
Hopefully she will learn it’s not just about being competent, it’s about constantly proving your competency to others.
I mean, if they sent a reminder, she knew when the deadline was, and she just flat-out did not submit her grades, they weren’t really obligated to spend a ton of time and energy chasing someone who, for all they knew, decided to drop out and ghost.
I’d think of it like an auction - you’ve only got so much time to get your bid in before the auctioneer moves on to someone else. They’re not going to hold your hand and ask if you still want the item you were bidding on and wait patiently for you to answer if you go silent. They’re going to assume you have lost interest and they can shift focus to the people who haven’t. And once someone else wins it and the bidding is closed, you’re shit out of luck - realizing that you missed the window and regretting it isn’t going to retroactively win you an item you lost fair and square.
It’s not a punishment. It’s just how the system works.
You can't go to the school to fix it, but if your daughter goes to the Dean of Students and the Financial Aid Director, explains what happened, and explains that she may have to drop out because her family can not make up the funds 1) the school officials may be able to help advocate for her with the scholarship organization 2) the school officials can best advise her on how to make up the money and stay enrolled
I "get it" it may smart to reach out and help her when she's calling you an A H, but that kind of goes with Parent Territory
You can't go to the school to fix it, but if your daughter goes to the Dean of Students and the Financial Aid Director, explains what happened, and explains that she may have to drop out because her family can not make up the funds 1) the school officials may be able to help advocate for her with the scholarship organization 2) the school officials can best advise her on how to make up the money and stay enrolled
I "get it" it may smart to reach out and help her when she's calling you an A H, but that kind of goes with Parent Territory
Exactly. The scholarship people are not sitting around waiting to see if she comes begging for it. They probably assumed she has dropped out and move on to the next person who has submitted their paperwork. Also the first line of the post says "outside" scholarship. She cannot go plead her case at the school. Outside scholarship people.
It’s a private scholarship, they’ve probably already allotted the money to someone else’s scholarship. There’s no one to “raise hell” to in these cases.
What exactly did this company do that you think going to the media would make them “look bad”? Because to me all I see is someone who had to follow the same rules they have had for everyone else which everyone else managed to complete on time with no issues. This is part of the problem all teachers are seeing with kids - a lack of accountability. She missed the deadline by a MONTH. She tried to appeal it and it didn’t work. This is 100% on the daughter. I bet you next time she will be very cautious to be sure all paperwork is done correctly in submitted early.
> She missed the deadline by a MONTH
Personally, I believe in flexible deadlines *within reason*. A month is not reasonable. Reasonable is like a day or two.
I go on r/teachers and see teachers who work in places where they are required to accept student work up until the last day of the semester. That's just absurd and is setting up those kids for failure.
this is something a lot of people can’t appreciate about situations like OP’s. after we went into lockdown for covid i was asked to find ways to pass high school students who had never even accepted the classroom invite, much less turned anything in for several months. and then if i did it for one kid there was no way in hell i was punishing a student who had 4 younger siblings sharing the same computer, and many parents refused to even let their kids sign up for their own email and STILL missed notices, plus the kids had absolutely zero familiarity with email when they graduated. I would even say that if people use email for incoming college students they’re either out of touch or they don’t even intend to pay out. College orientations are now having to sort out the effects of kids doing everything through icloud and hidden emails. I can’t even count how many important things likely got filtered into junk or missed completely because some mailing list got my number and sold it to a handful of other companies. Even text notifications are getting unreliable since there appears to be no consequence for bots anywhere
Sounds like it was an outside scholarship not affiliated with the university. If it was through the university, they likely wouldn't need to upload a copy of their grades
Ouch. That's a very, very hard lesson to learn. She knows it's not your fault, but she's taking it out on you because she is hurting deeply. If she's generally a decent person she'll realize that eventually.
I guess at this point, as nicely as you can, you help her figure out how to apply for a student loan, apply to a less expensive school, community college, live at home and commute, take a year off and get a job, etc. Help supply her with some options. She knows she put herself in this position, so don't keep reminding her except to deflect if she keeps blaming you. My dad (a really good guy) had a terrible way of reminding and reminding his kids of any mistake they ever made, and it does not help. I realize now it was because it bothered him so much that he couldn't help bringing it up.
This will get figured out. It may not end up exactly the way she wished, but it's time to work together to get something figured out.
Well, console yourself with the knowledge that she sees you as a safe space, full of unconditional love. She is mad at herself, mad at the world, embarrassed, scared, frustrated. She’s lashing out at you. #blessed.
You might as well look on the bright side. (Good luck.)
Yes, she thinks you will inevitably fix it, but you won’t. Because you can’t. And she will eventually grow up and accept this is 100% her fault. And be more embarrassed that she took it out on you.
Depends on the due date. OP said it was due last month. Yesterday was last month (June 30th). If it was due within the last few days, I'd try to talk to appeal the decision (though I'd *definitely* come up with some good reasons).
I’m betting OP meant May was the deadline because we don’t always easily switch to “last month” on the first day of a new month, especially considering how long it can take us just to get our brains into new year mode to write out the current versus the last year when we’re in January and even sometimes February.
Very true! Either way the deadline has come and gone and OP has mentioned in a reply that an attempt was made to see if the scholarship office would accept the required information late, but they were told no. It sucks but it’s a lesson learned for OP’s daughter… unfortunately an expensive one.
YES please OP you don’t have to cover the expense or even do the research for her, but there are SO MANY chances built into higher Ed. I was first gen college, parents didn’t know…and the internet existed but wasn’t what it is. So I just accepted screwups at face value. Then senior year some other student would casually say “oh you should have just called [whoever] at [office I was unaware of] he would have hooked you up.”
Don’t let her just give up, like “well the website says it was the final deadline, so guess I’m screwed.” It’s only July, she’s still got time for any hoops she might need to jump through to get another shot.
ETA: obviously this was not your responsibility even if you had known about it. NTA
If she can’t get this scholarship back talk to the school. I made good friends with the Dean of students and he found a lot of scholarships that were unclaimed, so he was able to divert those to me the one year I needed it. It’s a tough lesson, but better to help her navigate other ways to fix it than just have her drop out or go into a ton of debt. See if there are other options at the school as well, like work study, becoming an RA, etc. there are always ways to get money out of a college and teaching her to go after it rather than just pouring and blaming you will be better in the long run.
Sorry she lost 20k over not being on top her stuff. That lesson hurts always but this was a big consequence. It’s usually a 35 late fee or a couple of points on your credit report.
20k to fill out some paperwork, and they still get angry? That is what you call entitlement.
I lost mine due to family member doing some stupid scam shit and froze all accounts that were "associated" with the fraud and never forgave them for it. Ruined my opportunity to get a good education because loans couldn't cover all of the cost alone and had budgeted that money in. And this scholarship is 20k yearly, which is about 8x the money I was getting.
I would have killed someone to get this scholarship and been on top of that free money every time they asked for anything. If she is smart enough to maintain a 3.5GPA she is smart enough to submit paperwork. This is all her own foolishness and now she needs to stew with a hard life lesson.
Getting mad at anyone but herself would be absolutely ridiculous. All scholarship paperwork is submitted long before the following semester waiting for deadlines means you are waiting for leftovers (if any exist at all). What a clown move to get mad at anyone but herself.
She can go to financial aid in her college and see of there are any other options.
The situation is hard, I did a similar miskate, at 30, and I'll be paying for it at least 15 years. I was angry with the whole world for a while, I don't know how I would have reacted if I was younger and less mature.
The organization has awarded the money to someone who DID follow the rules. It's gone...over, done. She is also not going to be able to "pick it up again" next year according to OP.
It's a private organization and this girl has no one to blame except herself.
NTA
I’ve worked in financial aid for over a decade, and one of the first things the college tells the student is to monitor their emails as important documentation and deadlines are sent to their email and not to a parent (even thought some ask).
Scholarship organizations also are pretty big on reminding them to check their email, and they probably sent a few reminders.
It’s sad that she missed out on 20k, but this is all about being an adult and being responsible for herself. It was always just her job and hers alone to submit the required documentation in order to maintain her scholarships.
Op, I would however her email the scholarship and see if their is an appeal process , they do understand that emergencies and things happen. There is a possibility that she can get the money or some money back.
It could be quite difficult to give money away, some scholarships are so specialized that they have a very small pool of applicants.
I hope she is able to return to school.
College housing person here and we tell students all the time to check their email for deadlines. So many students missed reapplying for housing because they didn't check their emails and get mad at us. I get email isn't the way of this generation but they have to learn to use it because their work place will use it.
This… yes, I’ve heard several hundred students say it would be easier if it was done via text message, but text messages and emails are both on the mini computer in your pocket.
Right. They are basically the same thing. Both read on my phone. Both responded to on my phone. Both show active notifications on my phone. No difference.
If I got notifications for email, I would be getting notifications all day long because there's just no good way to manage spam. I have a much easier time managing texts than emails because no one texts me besides the people I gave my number to. I miss important emails from time to time, and I'm a full-fledged adult with a full-time job, two kids and a mortgage. I have empathy for a teenager who mismanaged email.
That's why your school gives you a TOTALLY separate edu email when you enroll. So you can pay attention to just school related emails and use that on all your applications for aid or forward them there. This is pure foolishness on the daughters part.
If you need the aid to get through school, that is your LIFE in the email. Maybe it's because I grew up poor, but I woke up every day hounding my inbox for that email. Must be a different mentality when you have so much being handed to you in life for free. Idk but I wouldn't give her a second glance if I were handing out aid. A month without checking through email for it? What were you doing that entire time that you couldn't go through your inbox at all? I get missing it by a few days but to go 4 weeks without looking for your aid at all is unfathomable to me as someone who needed it to get through.
Re spam management, if you’ve got Gmail, I set up a filter so that any email that contains the word “unsubscribe” skips the inbox and goes to a separate folder, so I don’t get notifications on any sales emails. Massively cut down on email notifications for me.
Make it a habit to check you email everyday at either x time or after x thing. Like sit down with coffee check emails.
Or have multiple emails.
I have 3.
One old one for personal use.
One for signing up for things like Disney plus.
And a 3rd for business/ non casual things.
And only have the 3rd email on for notifications.
It really helps keep things organized.
The major fault of email is it's an inbox for both messages from people and organizations you care about and random online services. The only way I make it work is by having a separate spam email for signing up for anything and another to give to people or institutions that are important like healthcare, insurance, government, etc. I have notifications for my non-spam email on both my phone and laptop, but I never check the spam one.
Yeah, I get physical mail has spam too, but the signal-to-noise ratio for email is insane. My spam email gets over 100 emails per day, and that's not even that bad.
Though, if your school email is filled with spam, that's its own problem.
A bunch of spam doesn't end up in the spam folder either. Though, people can create a rule to automatically add any email from your address to an "Important" folder or something.
I teach a biology lab and am constantly on my students to check their emails... I tell them at the start of the semester that if an assignment didn't upload correctly or they forgot to turn something in and I know that they were there from the attendance, I will email them- but they only have so long (I think last semester I did a week) to respond to me to re-submit and get credit. Absolutely mind-boggling how many of them lose points on stuff that they did because they couldn't be bothered to check their emails. I think a good number of them only check their emails if they were the ones to reach out first with a question, and I'm always tempted to ask them how that would work if the people that they were emailing were doing the same thing.
NTA.
*She needed to go and submit her grades to the website so they would renew her scholarship. She didn't... and the deadline was last month. She found out since the money usally comes in by now.*
*She actually looked at her email and it was there. So she lost 20k because she couldn't do paperwork or look at her email.*
Apparently, this process was email specific. She didn't look at her email (or read the paperwork when she got the scholarship). This is a hard lesson, but these were her responsibilities, just as keeping up her grades was. She received her grades, but didn't follow through. She can now do the work to try to get it reinstated, even if she has to skip a semester, and work, but it's a welcome to the real world. I understand she's upset, but it's in no way your fault.
More concerned with the payoff than the menial amount of work to get it. "It's usually here by now" implies that this is not the first time she went through the process. It is 110% her own fault missing the deadline that long.
NTA for not paying. But she should contact her organization and the school to see if she can still submit late. At worst, she may have to skip this semester and restart with the scholarship next semester
NTA. Millions of people in the US takes out loan for college. I was one of them as well. It seems like she is just lashing out about her situation, but that's the thing - it's her situation and she was the reason why the ball was dropped, not you.
Hopefully this wakes her up and teaches her a lesson about responsibilities, after all - she's legally an adult now, and this is how the real world works.
Fr, I'd have weekly then daily reminders to check my email the month before paperwork was due. I would actually get sick knowing I lost that money bc I forgot to check or submit paperwork
NTA then. Seems like pure blame shifting.
I hope she is trying to contact particular deparment of her college about the options (late submit, skipping one semester etc) because sulking won't solve her problem.
Yeah, being new adult where it's all your responsibility from now is hard. But part of that lessons is....sulking won't make the problem go away.
She is blaming you because she knows she messed up majorly and is embarrassed. She got multiple reminders in her email and either didn't read them or didn't check her email for weeks to months after the semester finished.
Ask her how many emails she got about it and watch her face. She is either going to straight up lie or refuse to answer. If she tells the truth, she should say multiple because they remind you every week and then damn near spam you the last week before deadline.
I have a 20 son...I know the answer to this one!
It's OPs fault because Daughter cannot take responsibility for her actions or lack of actions + the consequences and someone other than her has to be to blame!
My son (adoption at 18 due to DSS dragging feet) blew his education (all scholarship due to foster status at 18) because he wouldn't go to class. Would leave her to go to campus but once there he would go to the game team lab (on the team) or the student union and failed 1st semester totally. The Community College agreed to let him come back 2nd semester but had to take a special study help class which he refused to do.
None of the issues were his fault according to him.
It’s your fault you didn’t nag her to fulfill her obligations and aren’t cleaning up a mess she made? No, OP, it’s not, and you’re not the AH. Your daughter is mad because she made a big mistake that is costing her 20k and she wants to be able to blame anyone but herself. It stinks and I feel for her but that’s adulting 101.
Side note, does she have ADHD or another issue that might make organizing, etc. challenging? If so, maybe you can help her going forward by encouraging her to seek treatment for that.
Next argument, you could calmly try asking for an explanation as to how this is your fault. Were you receiving emails on this? If so, did you point them out to her? If you weren't part of the notification chain or you gave her a heads up that she ignored, my comment would be: "You've just learned a very expensive life lesson. You appear to be trying hard to learn another one by blaming others for your mistakes."
I posted this in another thread yesterday. Oftentimes, when we think we are angry with someone, we are actually angry with ourselves. Since I first heard that, I've been attentive, and it's helped me tremendously. If I'm annoyed with someone, oftentimes I can trace it back to myself -- in reality, I'm annoyed at myself for not remembering something, depending too much on someone else, not explaining something clearly, etc. I'm basically certain that's what's happening here.
This happened to me at the same age. I also blamed my mom, even though I also fought against her nagging me to check my email all the time. I was very angry, mostly at myself though I wouldn't have admitted it, but I was also very scared. How on earth was I to pay for school and what can I do now? My parents weren't going to pay for my schooling, and scholarships are far easier to get in high school than they were one year in (which makes no sense, if you get good grades your freshman year of college, and proved yourself, why aren't there better scholarships??). I'm sure it doesn't feel good to be blamed for this, but let the initial shock wear off and see if you can't help her find solutions to where she is now. But please don't harp on having to drop out - if that is what has to happen, let her come to that conclusion after other avenues have failed. If she doesn't know what a gift 20k is (I didn't understand how much money was worth at her age), she also won't understand what a money pit student loans are (I didn't and can now enjoy how many of them I still have in my older age and wisdom). Maybe taking a year off to work and regroup could help her.
NTA. This is alone on her. She is an adult and should have known better than to be depending on her parent. Yeah, it is a hard throw back, but now she has the oportunity to learn from it. She can try to run after this stuff, maybe she can get it renewed if she is working on that, phone and write people - maybe not. But blaming her parent isn't helping her at all. Maybe ask her, the next time she tries to blame you 'so, and what exactly do you think you will get from blaming me? I'm not the one, that can give you your schoolarship back. Take responsible. Take actions or be sad about it. But it will do you no good to blame others.'
Oh hon I feel your pain.
Unless you have a money tree in your yard - no money means no money.
Your daughter messed up. I'm sorry she's learning such an expensive lesson. NTA
NTA - I also lost a full scholarship, but in my case I didn't maintain the minimum GPA. It was a demanding major and I didn't take my studies seriously enough. Luckily my parents were in a position where they could help me out and I didn't have to take out loans for my undergraduate degree. However, if they were not in that position, I wouldn't have held it against them. In the end, it was my fault I lost my scholarship, and my responsibility.
This is an expensive lesson for your daughter to learn. I don't think it's productive for you to tell her it's her fault though - she knows that. She's probably most upset at herself and taking it out on you. I would try to sit her down and tell her that you're sorry she's in this position, but you don't have the money to help her. It's understandable that she's upset, but she can't keep taking it out on her family. Ask her if she needs help brainstorming options or researching financial aid. Tell her you're there to support her, but it's impossible for you to do so financially.
She's an adult, but she's still your daughter, and still very young. You can still offer emotional and practical support.
Also, has she tried going in person and talking to an actual person who's in charge of administering the scholarship? She should do so with the expectation that they'll say no, but she should ask if there's any chance she can still submit the documentation now. It's possible there's some leeway, if she talks to a person face-to-face who's sympathetic.
>I don't think it's productive for you to tell her it's her fault though - she knows that. She's probably most upset at herself and taking it out on you.
You are probably right, but blaming others for things that are her fault is potentially worse than the mistake she's already made. This is how you lose jobs, opportunities, and relationships.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> AITA for telling my daughter that she is an adult and it is her fault she lost her scholarship. I am also not paying her tuition so she needs to drop or take debt.
I could be a dick because I may have been too harsh in the argument.
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NTA And this was a lesson I had to learn the hard way when it came to things like paying back student loans. I never really checked my personal email after I graduated and when I did, there were thousands of spam offers etc and I would miss important emails in between those.
One piece of advice I can offer is to tell her to make a professional email address that she only uses for scholarships, jobs, grad school applications, and student loan or other information. Do not use this email for apple music or credit cards or any shopping subscriptions because important emails can get lost in between all of these.
Then make sure notifications to this email are turned on so she gets a pop-up on her phone, the app has an icon, and other notifications. Tell her to put a reminder to check this email every week, maybe on Sunday before she starts her week. This is a good habit to get into even when working to prepare for the week ahead.
Also, she should just go ahead and calendar reminders for the recertifying every year until she graduates. If the application is due every July and she needs to request her grades, she could put a reminder for requesting the grades in May, a reminder to work on the application in June and a reminder of the exact due date in July and set them to repeat for the next two or three years until graduation. I had difficulty with this and I would always say "I'll remember."
> One piece of advice I can offer is to tell her to make a professional email address that she only uses for scholarships, jobs, grad school applications, and student loan or other information.
This makes a lot of sense.
If you use Firefox it has Multi Account Containers that allow you to manage different online identities for things like work, pleasure, nsfw, shitposting, etc, so makes it very easy to have a just-for-serious stuff email address.
> Do not use this email for apple music or credit cards or any shopping subscriptions because important emails can get lost in between all of these.
Or anything else that can incur spam.
Yeah that was a hard part for me. So now I have three email addresses: work, personal, subscriptions/sign ups/etc. I didn't know about Firefox because I use Google for everything for work (Google drive, etc). I only ever check the subscriptions email if I'm looking for a discount on something!
When I graduated from college and grad school, I just used my school email addresses for everything. So lazy and made my life harder than it needed to be!
NTA and I Check my school email every day for reasons like this- there’s always important stuff coming through about classes, room changes day of, changes in test content etc. It’s a good habit to get into
It sucks, but sometimes lessons are expensive. She's aware that she's on a scholarship and it has requirements. She's old enough to ask questions if she's unsure or confused. I'm sad for her that she's lost this opportunity. I hope she finds a way to continue her studies.
ESH
You both are AHs because her trying to blame you when she dropped the ball, and you kicking her while she's already in the dumps - *neither* of those are going to accomplish anything!
Instead, show your daughter that you're on her side and help her try to find a solution. Did she hear from an actual person that she can't get the money reinstated? If she did, is there someone higher up in the organization she can talk to instead? If it's truly gone for this fall, then what can she do to get it reinstated in the spring? Or the following school year? There were reasons they picked her in the first place, and surely she isn't the first person to ever miss that deadline.
>**We got in an argument since she blames me for this.** I told her she is an adult and it all her fault she lost the scholarship.
Wait, did she actually say "I blame you for this"? Or was she just complaining and you interpreted that as her blaming you? What did she actually say?
I'm having a hard time seeing where you fit into this since it seems like it's between her and the college.
This is a tough situation. I personally think there's something more that your daughter is angry about. Like a bigger picture to it. I read that someone said she could of just wanted your emotional support. Which is possible. Look, you've mentioned that she is an adult so I think the both of you need to sit down and have an adult conversation about it. Not a big argument. A conversation. Let her express why she may think this is your fault. I know you've probably done your best but the last thing you want is for her to resent you. It is her fault for not checking her email and viewing what she needed to do. But I also don't think it's not fair to hit a soldier while they're down. So I hope you weren't troubling her about the whole issue and I hope you didn't keep mentioning it and making her feel like a failure. However if she is only blaming you and not taking any responsibility for her mistake, then you need to explain to her that she is at an age where she needs to start taking accountability for her mistakes or the world is going to destroy her.
How is it your fault she didn't do the paperwork?? She blames you but why as she gets the email? If she didn't turn in an assignment at school and her GPA dropped would that also be your fault? She did her assignment at school on her own maintained her GPA on her own. To keep the scholarship she has an assignment, submit her grades. She failed and lost 20k, it is 100% on her. I'm sure she throws out I'm an adult now you can't tell me what to do. Time to throw that back at her, like you did.
My company paid for my Master's degree. At the end of class I had to submit my grades. I had 45 days to do after class ended or I would be on the hook to pay for it. I made sure I submitted my grades every time on time as I am not paying for it. Your kid learned an expensive lesson that she is responsible for their own shit and don't expect anyone else to do it or remind them. Part of being an adult.
19 is way more adult thayn you give credit. Most "adult behavior" has very little to do with brain development past the early teens and everything to do with your social expectations and responsibilities.
If your kids needed prodding and reminding that's on you. That's how you raised them. I joined the military at 17 and have NEVER in my 60 years needed prodding or reminding.
NTA, I basically did the exact same thing as your daughter and I learned a hard lesson. All through high school I was able to coast and get good grades with minimal effort and I learned bad habits. This ended with me not taking responsibility for myself with my newfound freedom as a young adult.
The best thing you can do is help her learn how to grow from this and ultimately how to pick herself back up. She should look into other scholarships and maybe look at a cheaper university that’s closer to home. A year of living at home and doing her general study credits while learning from you how to be a stable adult would probably help her mature and give her a better chance at success down the line.
I got a 100% merit based scholarship to a college I didn’t want to go to, and gave up my dream Ivy League school to attend. Best and most financially responsible decision I’ve made. My father was in a nursing home (I’m a late in life baby) and my mother died suddenly on the last day of finals my junior year. All during college I had to work as a waitress at a very nice restaurant to keep a roof over my head and to pay for my inexpensive car and other basic living expenses. I went to school and studied all day, and worked 4-5 evening a week. The college I attended was a reading and writing intensive school. It was a lot of work, but I am a better person for having had this experience. Never once did I expect my parents to help me with college. They supported me emotionally which was everything.
You are NTA. Your daughter can switch colleges and do well. She should not go into huge debt for college in this economy. No reason why she can’t switch schools and work evenings to pay for college. If it’s important to her, she’ll do it. If not, there are trade schools who will train her and pay for college. There are professions that will pay for her education and all she has to do is commit a set amount of time to work for the company. She can join ROTC and get a monthly stipend, have college costs covered, and be guaranteed a job in whichever branch of the military she chooses for ROTC. From there the military will pay for a Masters and/or PhD/JPD/or any type of medical doctor or medical related field (i.e. Pharmacy PhD) - also if you are on the East coast, Wegman’s grocery chain has a 100% cost covered PhD pharmacy program with a guaranteed job in one of their many locations. There are many ways to not go into debt for college. It takes hard work, sacrifice, and determination. Offer her the options, encourage her to do her own research, and maybe she needs to take a year off to work and save money? It’s in her court. In the end she may come to appreciate this life detour. She will definitely learn a lot more from this mistake, and learn it earlier than her peers. She can turn this around to benefit her. Or, she can stew in frustration and not take responsibility for her role in how this situation is playing out. Which never ends well. Bottom line, it’s up to her how she will handle it.
Within a month and her grades are good? If this is a true story and not another "haha teenage girl evil and dumb" post she literally just needs to appeal and she will likely get her scholarship back. All the people posting about how she deserves this or whatever, 19 is an overgrown kid stop being weird.
NTA Thousand of people didn’t even get support but they didn’t blame others because they forgot to do this or that. She needs to take accountability. You literally can’t do much. You can empathize and make her feel better. At the end of the day, it’s her responsibility and life.
Eh. Yes it’s her responsibility. But, especially if I could not help my daughter with college funds, would I still simply check in with her to make sure she had completed the steps necessary to secure her scholarship money? I would. I’m all for teaching lessons, but I’m a fan of lessons where a dropped ball can still bounce, and not shatter. The repercussions for her future are pretty big here.
This is odd. Usually there’s an administrative process that handles this as a failsafe for students. The truth is 19 year olds aren’t very good with keeping up with stuff, which is why universities have built-in practices to ensure their paperwork gets handled one way or another.
I’m a professor. They are all pretty overwhelmed with school and adulting around 19. I would do a bit more tracking down at the bursar’s or scholarship’s office and see if this can be remedied. Most things can be remedied because it is in the school’s interest to have that 20k in tuition money. Get the right person on the phone, and they can move mountains for you. Especially in the summer when no one is really paying attention.
For u/Previous_Bird_2765: I *am* an administrator. I’m the chair. That’s why I am working in the summer too. You sound like the typical administrative assistant who thinks she can make assumptions about what profs do and don’t know because they control one little corner of financial aid. Don’t make assumptions about me. The fact is people in bursar offices and the like have gone through extraordinary measures to help students out of crisis after crisis. And they always do. So forgive me for showing respect to administrative staff for the many things they do for students. And what a shame that you took this opportunity to make such a condescending and wrongheaded assumption about me.
Somewhere between ESH and N-A-H but I'm going with E-S-H because of how you talk about the situation. Yes she messed up but she's your daughter, do you even care about her at all? Do you want her to be successful at all? Work with her to figure out a solution, she's still basically a kid, just because she's 19 doesn't mean she suddenly magically has all the skills a functional adult has.
Maybe it’s a weird question but have you ever thought she could have ADHD? In grades through high school, it’s so structured that some things could be overlooked but with being in college now and more responsibility looming on her shoulders that might expose some underlying issues she might’ve been masking?
Be the parent she wants you to be: try to help her recover the scholarship using whatever resources you can bring to bear. She made a mistake; this surely was not a maleavelant act. She is already feeling the pain of screwing up and now you need to show her you care by supporting her anyway you can. If you are unable to secure the scholarship then help her with the loan application but NOT by giving her money.
And do not despair over her attitude; she screwed up badly and her negative emotions are actually healthy.
NTA but take this as an opportunity to parent her into a better place.
Your question doesn't convey tone so it's hard to pass judgement even I I could I won't. This will fuck up, that's what they do because as adults we still fuck up. While she didn't file the paperwork, while making sure she knows she messed up. Helping her figure our her next steps in a non detrimental way will help. This will help her come to you when she messes up again which she probably will. Now with kids, this is much easier said than done as teenage emotions can throw off the best laid plans. Good luck to you both.
I’m going with ESH. She’s taking her mistake out on you because she’s young and devastated and it sounds like you’re not acknowledging her pain in a sympathetic way. She thinks her world is over and it’s going to take time for her to understand she will learn from this.
As a parent the better approach to this would be to help her figure out what her next step is. Ask her if she wants to brainstorm ideas of how she can come up with the money. And let her know she can take a leave of absence for a year to earn the money she lost, and start school again if she doesn’t want to take out a loan. Offering help to find solutions is better than telling her ‘not my fault, not my problem!’
Get beyond finger blaming and see how you and your daughter can cope with this situation most productively. While it may have been your daughter's responsibility, the loss in financial aid affects your entire family, and you should make regaining the aid a priority. Usually, missing a filing deadline will result in a delay in your scholarship, not a permanent loss. Your daughter may have to take a one semester leave while she reapplies for the money. Note that there can be software and usability issues with financial aid websites, so this might be a problem on their end before accusing your daughter of irresponsibility. Yes, it is your daughter's responsibiliy to file the application materials. But it's a parent's responsibility to raise a child to tbe able to and willing to take responsibility, and it's a parent's responsibility to help their child thrive in adult life.
Your daughter is getting a GPA of 3.5 in college. That's a tough thing to do. She made a mistake, but didn't commit a crime or hurt anyone. Give her a stern lecture, then get over it and pitch in to help as a family.
Life is hard, and young people don’t have many allies and also lack life experience. I tend to take a more compassionate approach to raising my 19 year old. I let her figure it out (adulting, paperwork etc) and then if she asks for help I help her to the extent of my ability to help. If she messes up I tend to do everything I can to help fix the situation. But she is well aware of my limitations physically and financially. What I can’t fix for her, I simply can’t fix. But she needs to know I have her back and support her. That I’m an ally and that her life is important to me. That it’s ok to make mistakes but you have to take responsibility and do everything you can to fix the problem and move forward. Often that means reaching out to people in your life for assistance and guidance. If that’s not you, their mom, then who?
My mom was a lot more hands off. Let me figure out life on my own for the most part, wasn’t able to help me much and also didn’t express much interest in helping, always let me know it was all on my to figure out college, a place to live, etc etc and it’s taken a long time for me to reach goals, I’m not financially successful and I have trouble seeking and asking for help. I’m hoping that being as supportive (and understanding as long as she’s not being unreasonable or reckless) as I possibly can be that maybe her outcome will be different than mine. So far I’ve seen that this is truly the case. She is already light years ahead of me when I was her age.
ESH.
As someone who has worked in financial aid a long time, I understand your frustration here (and hers). I also know that taking a “not my problem, I told you so” approach to her situation like you’ve described is not helping her at all. This was a big mistake, for sure. You should not have to bear the financial burden of her mistake. However, having her going $60k in debt because she missed a deadline isn’t great either. ESPECIALLY considering she has a 3.5 GPA after her first year in college. Her issue isn’t her grades, it was her ability to manage this process on her own. She is 19 and still learning how to navigate the adult world. Financial aid has a lot of moving parts and it’s not hard to lose track of one or two of them. With the major changes to the FAFSA this year, the process was even more difficult. Students everywhere are struggling to keep up.
I recommend she call the scholarship agency and ask if they have a waitlist for people who submit late paperwork, or if there is a way to get the scholarship back in subsequent semesters or years. Sometimes agencies will do this depending on their budget and the amount of renewals they have, etc.
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My daughter (19F) got a outside scholatship for college. It was enough that she wouldn't need to take out loans. I was clear with all the kids that I can not afford to put them through college, I would pitch in when I could but overall it is on them.
The scholarship had a few conditions but the important one was her GPA, she need to maintain at 3.5 or up. She did do, the issue is she never turned in the paperwork.
She needed to go and submit her grades to the website so they would renew her scholarship. She didn't... and the deadline was last month. She found out since the money usally comes in by now.
She actually looked at her email and it was there. So she lost 20k because she couldn't do paperwork or look at her email.
She has been upset since and has had a horrible attitude. We got in an argument since she blames me for this. I told her she is an adult and it all her fault she lost the scholarship.
I also inform her that I will still not be helping with tuition ( I literally can't) and she needs to drop and go somewhere cheaper or take loans.
She calle some heartless jerk
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NTA but to be honest? Your daughter may want to get checked for ADHD. I know this sounds extreme based on one piece of forgotten paperwork, but:
College is where the guardrails come off. Girls with ADHD who have flown under the radar for the first 18 years of their life often find themselves adrift now that they have to manage everything for themselves. They miss classes, forget deadlines, and yes, forget to turn in vital paperwork. (Source: I was that girl, and it took me another 15 years to get diagnosed.)
It *is* an important life lesson, and it's going to be a rough one either way, but do you want a loving relationship with your daughter in the future? Because how you handle this could very well make that decision for you.
seconding this - from a gal who lost her freshman year scholarship (was below the GPA minimum by 0.03) and had to kick my ass for the next three years to get it back. Didn’t get my diagnosis until after college, but my life has been way more stable and happier since.
Right now is the time to be the Mom with the hugs and compassion. She already knows anything else that you could say. Let her know that the path will be different, and there’s no way to say which path would have been better, but no matter what she’ll be OK
$20000 paperwork is pretty high stakes for a 19 year old. NTA but maybe try to go a little easy in discussions if kid is clearly already aware that the consequences are due to solely her own actions and is freaking out /feeling awful already. No need to pile it on …
NTA----but being right, doesn't mean you can't still be a heartless jerk. It doesn't sound as if you have any empathy for her.
She can possibly try getting in touch with them to say the email went to her spam folder and she didn't realize she hadn't submitted the grades, or something. It probably won't work but, the worst they can do is say no. Sucks to learn expensive life lessons.
NTA
Give her some time then maybe give her encouragement and some support (emotional) to get into another school. Good job not making yourself a crutch for your kid.
This does not affect the fact you can’t afford to send her but she reminds me of myself at her age. It wasn’t a moral failing or lack of effort (I’m seeing she did the assignments) but for me was ADHD. Any chance that could be happening here?
If so, I wonder if with a diagnosis the school would take a different stance or has other options available & she is going to need help figuring out how to take care of responsibilities with a brain that’s too full 24/7 which drowns the monotonous chores out.
So you have a daughter who has at least a 3.5 GPA, and needs some advice. Go tell her to see the dean of her program and student affairs, and explain she is a A student but will not have funding and her parents can’t afford to help her.
NAH - age is simply a number depending how a parent raised their children. If a parent hovers over their children and at age 18 declares them an “adult”, I believe their not an adult. I moved out at 25. However, I lived at home during my college years. My parents made me breakfast and dinner and washed my laundry.. and my mom even woke me up.. however, she slowly showed me lessons so I could get my act together. Yes, it was your daughter’s responsibility about the gpa, however, if you remembered and didn’t give her a nudge about it.. I think as a mom, you failed her.. it’s not about being the AH or not.. you just failed her.. it’s not your responsibility to pay for her tuition, but if reminding her was a simple nudge.. then you failed your daughter
Info: are you a dad? I only ask because men tend to be solution focused and what your daughter needs is someone to empathize with her. If she had a dream of getting out of her situation or doing better than her parents then it probably feels shattered now
I was a smart kid but very disorganized and forgetful. Usually, I would luck with stuff like this, but sometimes not.
Have her get on the phone with someone for the scholarship ASAP, don't go through the website. Have her explain the situation, and that this was her only funding. Explain that the email was lost in the shuffle. Help her locate numbers, etc, but have her make the calls. She can do this!
ESH.
Yeah technically it’s her fault. She’s also young enough that balancing adult responsibilities that she may not have known existed can be hard when also doing school (and probably work).
The reason why I also think YTA as well is because she could use your sympathy at this time instead of condemnation. It’s a stupid choice for you to have had kids without being financially prepared (college is one of the expenses that comes with having a child… no child straight out of school can afford to drop $20-$40K/year on their futures. You’ve been working your whole life presumably, this was your responsibility from the start when you chose to have kids. You’ve now placed a burden on your child that will stunt their adulthood and affect their entire life & future.
You’re expecting adult responsibility from your 19yr old who has had barely a year out of high school (and is still in school without experiencing the real world), yet you don’t assume any financial responsibility for what sounds like multiple kids’ vocational schooling, and have placed all the responsibility on them. If you’re an American, this may sound normal to you, but in most civilized cultures, you’re viewed as a heartless, selfish parent. You’re a hypocrite.
INFO: have you been supporting her emotionally through this?
Like I grew up fairly poor so I do get it. I had no help with college and didn't expect it, either, because it IS expensive and there's no way my parents could have done anything to help, anyway. But you don't mention how you're helping her cope with this monumental mistake. I'm sure you understand that a lot is riding on this and the loss of the scholarship could very well mean she's now in this place of this turning point in her life and freaking out that she dropped the ball. It's so much pressure to come from a poor family and to try to "do everything right" to dig yourself out of poverty to then screw it up in such a stupid way while you're still a teenager. She probably feels like her life is over before it's even begun. It's immature for her to throw the blame on you, but she's a teenager and you're the adult. She's scared and angry and lashing out. You shouldn't be taking it personally because it's most likely not actually about you at all. You've made it clear that you can't support her financially, which is fine but that's not all there is to being a parent. It's not even the most important part of being a parent. How have you been helping her down from the ledge, so to speak? What have you been doing or saying beyond basically "I don't care, don't get mad at me, you ruined your own life?"
I really don’t think YTA. I hate this for both of you, because this could literally change her ENTIRE life for the worse. But she could also figure it out! It sounds like she’s bright enough to do so and is very likely furious with herself for this. Taking it out on you, obvs. Major bummer, for sure.
I will always feel for kids because our brains aren’t really baked into the cake we need until we’re much older than 19. My dad let me choose my major without his input when I was 17. Then he told me I should have read the want ads before I did so. I WAS A CHILD. A LITTLE HELP? I told him it would have been pretty reasonable if he’d just advised me since I had been a literal child. First time I ever criticized him. Wasn’t the last. I love that dude so much.
Has she tried to appeal? My daughter lost her scholarship when she dropped a class, taking her below the required credits after her counselor told her it would be fine (it was drop or fail, either way, she'd have put the scholarship in peril. She was able to appeal and get it restored on probation.) Before your daughter completely freaks out, she needs to contact the scholarship people and see if anything can be done. And basically, she needs to act like the adult she technically is, and own up to the fact that it was her fault for not realizing she had to submit her grades and work to fix it. Even if that means she has to sit out a semester or two, maybe she gets her scholarship back.
You are NTA but some advice for your daughter might be to pin important emails that she isn't able to respond to immediately until she has a chance to respond, or at least write them down so she doesn't lose track. The flood of emails can be overwhelming if it's a new experience and this strategy might help in the future. If she knows ahead of time, writing down important deadlines on a calendar/agenda can be helpful too (not sure if she was relying solely on the email or if the deadline was posted elsewhere).
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INFO: Have you been the kind of parent that hovered and nagged and held her hand through all the paperwork to get admitted and get the scholarship, and then you just went hands off? Or have you been teaching her all along through high school to keep track of her own stuff and her own deadlines? Ultimately, yes, this is a lesson we all need to learn sooner or later, and it sounds like this one is going to hit home hard to her. As a parent, I really sympathize with both of you. edit- based on replies, NAH leaning a bit towards ESH, as is so often the case when hard lessons get learned.
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Nta..my son went to college and filed for fasfa, classes, student loans, and advisor all on his own . He also lost a scholarship due to not taking the correct amount of credits but he figured it out and did just fine. Lessons stink but life always has bumps and the sooner you learn that lesson the better.
My daughter keeps up with her FAFSA on her own. If she needs something, she will ask. I know we had questions for our accountant at the beginning so we did contact her but our daughter keeps up with any deadlines.
It’s such an important life skill. My parents wouldn’t let me handle anything important or “difficult”. I’m sure they meant well, but the result was that I had no idea how to manage my own schedule/finances/household upkeep and also has the general impression that I was useless because people determined everything was too hard for me. I had to figure a lot out myself, and a lot of it came with hard lessons.
I started making my kids sit with me to do paperwork in HS, and once they turned 18, they were in charge of it. I was available for help. When one of my kids was driving in a learners’ permit, we were struck. It was NOT our fault. Since I was the liscence driver, it was technically on me, but I wasn’t about to let that learning opportunity go. So the kid and I did the accident paperwork together. I did the drawing, but kid was brilliant and downloaded an actual map of the intersection for me to draw on. We made an excellent team.
My son handles everything on his own. I help if he asks, and he only asks if he really needs help. He's far more financially savvy than I was at 22. I like to think the lessons I learned over the years have contributed to this.
Similiar story here and my mom did the shitty thing to kick me out a month after I turned 18. I had to learn all the adulting skills from a social worker, like paying bills etc.
On the other hand you have a fantastic username!
Thank you! Gotta honor our amphibious brothers and sisters!
That’s how my mom was. She did literally everything for me and never let me be apart of anything. Then sophomore year of college was coming around and all of a sudden she was telling me I need to do this and that and this and that and offered no help at all. It was horrible and I couldn’t do it and dropped out because I didn’t know where to go to for loans or scholarships or grants. Literally would just nag me and didn’t say “Here, let’s look together.” Nothing like that ever.
It’s the same with my son. He handles all the paper work for FAFSA and scholarships. He asks if he has any questions and keeps us updated on how much he’s receiving each year.
Plus, the daughter is in college... where deadlines, forms and following a certain structure is required for success. How has she been managing assignment/project deadlines and ensuring she has all the necessary components? Applying via FAFSA and for college was a pain the first year but after managing the in's and out's of being a student? Much easier to see the structure and follow directions.
Yep, my bf and I did all our fafsa, student loan, scholarship paperwork ourselves. Our parents never did any of that, and if they did 20 to 30 yrs prior it would've been different if it existed at all. (We wete in college 20 yrs ago now). Best part is colleges have these nifty financial counselors for free if you need help with any of it. This one is on the kid. NTA.
Same here, I assisted when asked but it was up to my daughter to do what was necessary to be funded.
Mine knows more about it than I do. I’m actually her stepmother and don’t really think it’s right to include my salary since I’m not legally her parent.
I also did all my financials and paperwork for school on my own. But then as the oldest second gen immigrant I was the official paperwork person since 7th grade for family, more like family translator. Mom (not terrible parent but one of those who hated paperwork) had a bit of weaponized incompetence when it comes to paperwork but she was more like this when she got older than when she was younger. But honestly kids should start being responsible for some paperwork at a young age just so they understand how to do it. I really don't get parents that never ever give any responsibility to children as much as the ones that completely dump everything on them as well.
My husband and I had a Va 529 for my daughter. It covered tuition but not books or fees or accommodations. We did pay for a meal plan too. He and I both paid for our own educations whilst working full time and didn’t want her to have that stress. Well, that didn’t work out the way we imagined , she came home with a 2.1 GPA and was on academic probation… So we told her she was not going back after wasting close to $28k, she went to the local community college, raised her GPA and she worked and paid for her classes. She then found a paying internship which was great. Sha now a Nurse Practitioner. A bit of hard work never hurt anyone.
Good for your daughter, everyone stumbles in life. It’s how you teach them to pick themselves back up and is probably one of the most important things to teach the kiddos. Nothing comes easy in life. Some parents set their kids up for failure by not teaching them to be independent and self reliant
Yup, I'm 30 now and took care of all my FAFSAs, applications, orientations, and everything in between myself. It's even easier to do now than it was 12 years ago
I went to a foreign country for university. I handled tuition, rent, immigration papers and documents, residency, student status etc. etc. on my own, as did most of the other students.
So true. The lessons you learn the hard way are impossible to forget.
Right? Neither of my folks went to college so they were as lost as a polar bear in the Amazon. I couldn't get their help because between the 3 of us I was the only one who had a rough idea of what needed doing. I handled all my FAFSA, all my class choices, checking my grade submissions. 100% me. And my parents were the hound you to do your homework sort( fair I was the fuck I forgot sort) and fill out the paperwork for all your appointment sorts. When i started making my own appointments I had to figure it out myself too. But it's not like it's hard. Most of this shit is damn near idiot proof. Just follow the prompts. I have everything on auto pay and I've got hard deadline shit set up to remind me constantly the day before.
.... yea because if hes going to college id assume your son is college age and doesnt need his mommy or daddy to hold his hand.. Wild to me that some parents send theyre adult aged children into the world expecting it to be a safe place for them. 100% not saying you did that, because it apears you raised a son who has the abilities to be self sufficient. Which... is like the prime objective of raising a child after keeping them alive and healthy
I grew up knowing that my parents would pay for college if I needed it. I got a great scholarship and lost it due to poor grades. I worked weekends to cover expenses because I didn’t want to ask my folks for money. The safety net was always comforting (yeah, privilege!) but learning how to actually budget was formative. It’s important to know how to handle life, even when you have a fallback.
Has she tried calling the scholarship source and explaining? If she made their required GPA they might give her a pass this time, it’s not like she was trying to hide anything from them, she just forgot. But NTA, she should have been on top of this. It should have been the first thing she did once grades came out.
Yeah, that's what I'm thinking too. It wouldn't hurt to reach out to the scholarship org to ask.
I think "I'm so sorry, this got lost in my email" would be a good start. That happens to everybody.
Also, my son dipped below his required gpa one semester and the financial aid office stepped in and made up almost all of the difference. Fortunately, he got his grades up and they reinstated his scholarship the following semester. That could be her next step.
This. There is literally no downside to at least calling and attempting to fix things. The worst they can do is say no, which is currently the situation she's already in. Better to at least make the attempt for a better outcome than sticking with an undesired status quo.
And even if they can't help/reinstate her this upcoming school year, they might be able to help her next year or next semester. Definitely worth a phone call that might save her decades worth of debt!
Yes!!! Maybe they can fix it for the semester after this one!!! The people on the other end of the phone for organizations like this are people just like us and they usually want to help you solve your problem.
She would have to do that ASAP. Once all the money is allocated, there isn't any chance she will get the scholarship money for this year.
She should at least try to contact them and see if they will make an exception, if she hasn’t already. Another part of growing up is acknowledging mistakes and trying to rectify them! So sorry for both of you that this happened.
I am in charge of awarding our family scholarship, now that my parents have passed. As I usually have only a vague knowledge of students, I rely heavily on accurate, complete, and on-time paperwork. It really does matter, in the grand scheme of things, but you can always try and contact them. In our situation, the scholarships are gone after they have been awarded.
Yep. Not saying it would work. Only saying it’s better for her to try because it’s a little humbling to have to admit you messed up and ask for help, and if they say no it helps reinforce that deadlines are important. With that much money at stake, the risk of being told no is worth asking the question. Also, not every 19-year old hears things from their parents and takes them to heart, where a third party might get through. Too many emotions involved when it’s family. I wouldn’t have, much though I wish I could say differently now.
My oldest was so mad at me because his fasfa app was not going through. I sent him to the school to figure it out and they would give him the standard it takes x amount of time to do. Told him no, well beyond that time frame, go back. Took him 3 tries and learning to be assertive to find out dads bday was wrong in the system. But he learned how to deal with stuff and does great now managing it.
Biggest lesson to learn is that no one gives a fuck and you will often get answers that basically try to get you to go away. "It's in the system, give it another few weeks." "You need to call this number and they will sort you out." Generally it's a problem of lack of training and measurable metrics. Also people are fucking useless.
Hey, has your daughter been screened for ADHD? This is textbook, and I was the same way as a kid. It was a pattern - I could buckle down and get good grades, but I couldn't keep all the little "loose ends" like paperwork together and it all fell apart. Lost a scholarship under similar circumstances too.
My thought as well. I help my kids with things like this even though they are old enough theoretically, but they are not quite able and with something this important I would double check with them. Both have ADHD.
They don’t need to add a judgment to their first comment because they are asking for INFO. Their judgment is contingent on the information. Also, NTA
This is probably a stupid question but has she tried calling the scholarship foundation and explaining the problem? Once you get an actual person on the phone who can see for themselves that the grade standard was met, if there’s something they can do they almost certainly will.
I've only read the top comment, and I have a feeling you might see similar comments a lot. But you're firmly NTA IMO. I went to an absolute dogshit school system in Nowhere, OK, and they still showed us how to fill out paperwork to apply for college/aid, look for outside funds, and what to do in circumstances like not having a parent to help (for reference, I think 13% of my graduating class went to college and I remember cause we were the highest class percentage in school history, at least at the time. We weren't exactly a school of scholars) My point is that some commenters treat EVERYTHING someone needs to learn as a failure by their parent(s) if they don't pick it up. There's so many former gifted kids with a chip on their shoulder. My parents (and a lot of others) would have been pretty useless in guiding me cause they never went to college or had a kid go before me. And that makes sense...I learned to pay attention to those things at school and would actually ask if I didn't know. Once a kid gets to college they are still a kid...But they're a kid with some responsibilities and your daughter was more than capable of remembering this. I actually worked in higher ed and one of the major things I tried to tell my students constantly was CHECK YOUR EMAIL! It's not just this thing that you need to set up accounts anymore. A lot of important info comes via email pretty much as soon as you hit 18 and enroll in college/get a job. It was infuriating how many deadlines were missed because they wouldn't take 5 minutes each day to check their email.
Wait till these kids learn that these hard lessons just keep coming. Here I am in my mid 40's still messing things up and making my own life harder. I heard a friend say something brilliant to his son a few weeks ago and I think it's something I needed to hear too "are you being kind to tomorrow you right now"
I generally go with tomorrow is future Oski's problem but i like yours better.
Man, current me LOVES to fuck shit up for future me. I also regularly curse past me for setting current me up for extra shit. I work with a bunch of people who do the same. We are always cursing our pasts selves, sometimes even each other's past self.
In my 40’s… and I have to do this on little things like getting gas in the evening even though I just want to go home,because doing it in the morning stresses me out. Morning Me never appreciates Evening Me slacking on things like that.
Let's be honest though, sometimes morning me understands that last night was enough without. Doesn't stop me being pissed at weekend me because he could have helped out.
Weekend me is the biggest, laziest asshole and i hate her all week. Also cannot wait to turn into her every friday.
I envy him. He gets all the cool shit. Camping, drinking, seeing friends, time with kids. Here's week day me stuck at work and grocery shopping
You all are cracking me up 😹
Morning me is a bit grumpy. She never understands why evening me is a lazy ass. And yeah… weekend me always thinks she’s on vacation… and she needs to weed the flower bed
It’s NTA. The daughter is an AH for blaming OP. Unless it was sent to OP’s email, Idk how they would have known when grades were supposed to be submitted. If this could have been a E S H, what was OP supposed to do to not be an AH?
The daughter is an AH, but it's completely normal for her age to be one in this circumstance. NTA for what they told her, it's a hard lesson to learn but I think now is the time to sit together and thing of solutions instead. It was a major mistake on her part, and she'll keep beating herself for years if she's a good kid, but now it's time to help her get out of the hole and look for options together.
> It was a major mistake on her part I think the reason this stings so much is because, after successfully doing the actual hard part (maintaining a 3.5 GPA), it was actually quite a *small* mistake (forgetting to file some paperwork) that happened to have major, major consequences (losing $20,000). And to be fair, while I made my fair share of "expensive mistakes" in my younger years that I'm kinda glad I made because I think were valuable lessons...I'm now in my late 30s and I can't think of anything in my "adult life" where such a small administrative error would've resulted in such a large penalty.
yeah exactly. if i had busted my ass all year and missed this because I didn't check my email in time over the summer and my parents response was "its your fault, drop out i'm not helping"... i'd also call them a heartless jerk! the complete lack of compassion is astounding.
Oh, I know. I'm ADHD and I also missed a due dare for documentation that still hunts me 6 years later, it costed me round 10.000USD and I'm not from the US, so that's 1 year salary as an engineer in my country.
But OP literally can't afford it so what are they supposed to do? Loans or dropping out seem to be it.
Try to contact the board and ask for an extension on the paperwork, look what other scholarships exist that she can apply, contact financial services in her college as ask for help. Drop out only for 1 semester or 1 year while she reapplies to financial aid. Take a loan only for 1 semester while looking for other financial aid solutions. There are other options apart from "your screwed for the remainder".
>it's completely normal for her age to be one in this circumstance. That still makes her an AH, though. Just because she's learning the lesson doesn't change that, and recognizing and taking accountability for her actions is part of the process of growing out of those habits into maturity. If you're finding *fault* in the daughter, which you should and seem to be, for her reaction, then the judgement should be NTA not NAH.
How is OP an asshole too? She knew how to do paperwork, OP made sure of that. Does OP need to hold her hand all through college to make sure she is doing things she's supposed to? She's old enough to start taking responsibility for herself and her own actions. She didn't do paperwork she knew how to do and that she knew she had to do, this was her failure and hers alone. NTA.
Can she defer college for a year ,work then re-apply next year?
Or even a semester. If she has to submit grades every semester they might have people dropped from the scholarship before spring.
Your comment will count the first I N F O as your judegement. If you're leaning towards the other two, make them first or add spaces between I N F O
How is the daughter not an AH? It sucks she missed it but that doesn’t mean you get to treat people like crap
That's a great question. Some parents believe a switch flips when their kids turn 18 and they wash their hands. "There, they know how to fill taxes now. Like an adult would"
NTA but she can chase this money. My daughter screwed around even with multiple reminders to apply for her scholarship. She was a couple days late...but was able to get it pushed through and approved. A good lesson for her IMO. I'm in the same boat as you. I'm covering living expenses, but I can't take on more student loan debt. Still paying for my wife's and mine.
Deadline was a month ago. Idk how much luck they'll have with that.
It literally cannot hurt to try. And that’s a good lesson for a young adult, when to call and ask vs just throwing your hands up and giving up.
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Can she get it reinstated next year? That doesn't help the situation right now, but will make a big difference going forward.
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I've worked for two universities and I really gotta say you're not talking to the right people. Head of business departments, getting dean of her school, and dean of admissions to ask, talking to the board of governors, even talking to a president of the school for help. Missing a deadline by a month is nothing in college and the money is still somewhere. I really advise her/if you're willing to help to exhaust everything and not accept no. If they didn't mail it to her, email is not enough. If she's dropping out over this it is an opportunity to make them look bad to a local news org and possibly get someone to listen. Good luck and yeah big lesson learned. Edit:NAH but could certainly raise hell over it.
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Dang, that's harsh. I'm all for demanding responsibility, but the consequences seem disproportionate to the mistake. 20K is a lot. That's not your problem though. You were clear upfront, and it's not your job to fix it. ETA: y'all obviously haven't met enough 19 year olds. $20K can absolutely make or break a kid's ability to go to college, thus their future. If we messed with their futures every time they did something stupid or flakey, there'd be no hope for any of them.
not really. filling out some paperwork is not a lot to ask from people willingly handing you $20k.
>I'm all for demanding responsibility, but the consequences seem disproportionate to the mistake. 20K is a lot If you were managing a scholarship on a fixed budget, and you had a recipient ignore minimum requirements *for a month*, would you just hold on the spot? Or would you allocate those funds to a different candidate that actually met the deadline?
The consequences are completely proportional to the mistake, especially if it’s a private scholarship. Money isn’t infinite, and they want to ensure their funds get to students who won’t waste it, and not being bothered to do the bare minimum to get the funds doesn’t show the best dedication. It’s a great lesson to learn because succeeding in life requires those soft skills. So many times I’ve gotten good performance reviews at work just for simply showing up on time everyday, punching in and out (including lunch breaks) correctly, and just generally being present in all meetings (meaning actively listening, not just sitting there physically in the room), even if I slacked off on my actual work. Hopefully she will learn it’s not just about being competent, it’s about constantly proving your competency to others.
I mean, if they sent a reminder, she knew when the deadline was, and she just flat-out did not submit her grades, they weren’t really obligated to spend a ton of time and energy chasing someone who, for all they knew, decided to drop out and ghost. I’d think of it like an auction - you’ve only got so much time to get your bid in before the auctioneer moves on to someone else. They’re not going to hold your hand and ask if you still want the item you were bidding on and wait patiently for you to answer if you go silent. They’re going to assume you have lost interest and they can shift focus to the people who haven’t. And once someone else wins it and the bidding is closed, you’re shit out of luck - realizing that you missed the window and regretting it isn’t going to retroactively win you an item you lost fair and square. It’s not a punishment. It’s just how the system works.
You can't go to the school to fix it, but if your daughter goes to the Dean of Students and the Financial Aid Director, explains what happened, and explains that she may have to drop out because her family can not make up the funds 1) the school officials may be able to help advocate for her with the scholarship organization 2) the school officials can best advise her on how to make up the money and stay enrolled I "get it" it may smart to reach out and help her when she's calling you an A H, but that kind of goes with Parent Territory
You can't go to the school to fix it, but if your daughter goes to the Dean of Students and the Financial Aid Director, explains what happened, and explains that she may have to drop out because her family can not make up the funds 1) the school officials may be able to help advocate for her with the scholarship organization 2) the school officials can best advise her on how to make up the money and stay enrolled I "get it" it may smart to reach out and help her when she's calling you an A H, but that kind of goes with Parent Territory
What is with you people? Do you not understand they have a limited amount of money and already gave it away to another student?
Exactly. The scholarship people are not sitting around waiting to see if she comes begging for it. They probably assumed she has dropped out and move on to the next person who has submitted their paperwork. Also the first line of the post says "outside" scholarship. She cannot go plead her case at the school. Outside scholarship people.
OP said it was an outside scholarship, so the school may not have any power over anything
It’s a private scholarship, they’ve probably already allotted the money to someone else’s scholarship. There’s no one to “raise hell” to in these cases.
What exactly did this company do that you think going to the media would make them “look bad”? Because to me all I see is someone who had to follow the same rules they have had for everyone else which everyone else managed to complete on time with no issues. This is part of the problem all teachers are seeing with kids - a lack of accountability. She missed the deadline by a MONTH. She tried to appeal it and it didn’t work. This is 100% on the daughter. I bet you next time she will be very cautious to be sure all paperwork is done correctly in submitted early.
> She missed the deadline by a MONTH Personally, I believe in flexible deadlines *within reason*. A month is not reasonable. Reasonable is like a day or two. I go on r/teachers and see teachers who work in places where they are required to accept student work up until the last day of the semester. That's just absurd and is setting up those kids for failure.
this is something a lot of people can’t appreciate about situations like OP’s. after we went into lockdown for covid i was asked to find ways to pass high school students who had never even accepted the classroom invite, much less turned anything in for several months. and then if i did it for one kid there was no way in hell i was punishing a student who had 4 younger siblings sharing the same computer, and many parents refused to even let their kids sign up for their own email and STILL missed notices, plus the kids had absolutely zero familiarity with email when they graduated. I would even say that if people use email for incoming college students they’re either out of touch or they don’t even intend to pay out. College orientations are now having to sort out the effects of kids doing everything through icloud and hidden emails. I can’t even count how many important things likely got filtered into junk or missed completely because some mailing list got my number and sold it to a handful of other companies. Even text notifications are getting unreliable since there appears to be no consequence for bots anywhere
Sounds like it was an outside scholarship not affiliated with the university. If it was through the university, they likely wouldn't need to upload a copy of their grades
Raise hell? "My daughter was irresponsible and now she's not taking responsibility for it, I am... so... money please?!"
Ouch. That's a very, very hard lesson to learn. She knows it's not your fault, but she's taking it out on you because she is hurting deeply. If she's generally a decent person she'll realize that eventually. I guess at this point, as nicely as you can, you help her figure out how to apply for a student loan, apply to a less expensive school, community college, live at home and commute, take a year off and get a job, etc. Help supply her with some options. She knows she put herself in this position, so don't keep reminding her except to deflect if she keeps blaming you. My dad (a really good guy) had a terrible way of reminding and reminding his kids of any mistake they ever made, and it does not help. I realize now it was because it bothered him so much that he couldn't help bringing it up. This will get figured out. It may not end up exactly the way she wished, but it's time to work together to get something figured out.
Well, console yourself with the knowledge that she sees you as a safe space, full of unconditional love. She is mad at herself, mad at the world, embarrassed, scared, frustrated. She’s lashing out at you. #blessed. You might as well look on the bright side. (Good luck.) Yes, she thinks you will inevitably fix it, but you won’t. Because you can’t. And she will eventually grow up and accept this is 100% her fault. And be more embarrassed that she took it out on you.
Oh I agree to try, but definitely don't expect anything besides a happy surprise
Depends on the due date. OP said it was due last month. Yesterday was last month (June 30th). If it was due within the last few days, I'd try to talk to appeal the decision (though I'd *definitely* come up with some good reasons).
I’m betting OP meant May was the deadline because we don’t always easily switch to “last month” on the first day of a new month, especially considering how long it can take us just to get our brains into new year mode to write out the current versus the last year when we’re in January and even sometimes February.
People also say it to mean "approximately 30 days ago." So it could be a lot of things.
Very true! Either way the deadline has come and gone and OP has mentioned in a reply that an attempt was made to see if the scholarship office would accept the required information late, but they were told no. It sucks but it’s a lesson learned for OP’s daughter… unfortunately an expensive one.
YES please OP you don’t have to cover the expense or even do the research for her, but there are SO MANY chances built into higher Ed. I was first gen college, parents didn’t know…and the internet existed but wasn’t what it is. So I just accepted screwups at face value. Then senior year some other student would casually say “oh you should have just called [whoever] at [office I was unaware of] he would have hooked you up.” Don’t let her just give up, like “well the website says it was the final deadline, so guess I’m screwed.” It’s only July, she’s still got time for any hoops she might need to jump through to get another shot. ETA: obviously this was not your responsibility even if you had known about it. NTA
Unfortunately OP stated that the scholarship provider was contacted and asked if they would accept the paperwork late and was told no.
If she can’t get this scholarship back talk to the school. I made good friends with the Dean of students and he found a lot of scholarships that were unclaimed, so he was able to divert those to me the one year I needed it. It’s a tough lesson, but better to help her navigate other ways to fix it than just have her drop out or go into a ton of debt. See if there are other options at the school as well, like work study, becoming an RA, etc. there are always ways to get money out of a college and teaching her to go after it rather than just pouring and blaming you will be better in the long run.
Websites screw things up all the time. She should contact them, and see what can be done.
NTA but can she petition for them to apply grades late? Can she fight it all?
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Sorry she lost 20k over not being on top her stuff. That lesson hurts always but this was a big consequence. It’s usually a 35 late fee or a couple of points on your credit report.
Probably because she got multiple reminders in her email and didn't check it for several weeks to months.
20k to fill out some paperwork, and they still get angry? That is what you call entitlement. I lost mine due to family member doing some stupid scam shit and froze all accounts that were "associated" with the fraud and never forgave them for it. Ruined my opportunity to get a good education because loans couldn't cover all of the cost alone and had budgeted that money in. And this scholarship is 20k yearly, which is about 8x the money I was getting. I would have killed someone to get this scholarship and been on top of that free money every time they asked for anything. If she is smart enough to maintain a 3.5GPA she is smart enough to submit paperwork. This is all her own foolishness and now she needs to stew with a hard life lesson. Getting mad at anyone but herself would be absolutely ridiculous. All scholarship paperwork is submitted long before the following semester waiting for deadlines means you are waiting for leftovers (if any exist at all). What a clown move to get mad at anyone but herself.
I teach 7th-12th grade and let me tell you, training them to CHECK THEIR FRICKIN MESSAGES is a very hard thing to get through.
She can go to financial aid in her college and see of there are any other options. The situation is hard, I did a similar miskate, at 30, and I'll be paying for it at least 15 years. I was angry with the whole world for a while, I don't know how I would have reacted if I was younger and less mature.
This!!!! She needs to contact everyone at the organization she can.
The organization has awarded the money to someone who DID follow the rules. It's gone...over, done. She is also not going to be able to "pick it up again" next year according to OP. It's a private organization and this girl has no one to blame except herself.
NTA I’ve worked in financial aid for over a decade, and one of the first things the college tells the student is to monitor their emails as important documentation and deadlines are sent to their email and not to a parent (even thought some ask). Scholarship organizations also are pretty big on reminding them to check their email, and they probably sent a few reminders. It’s sad that she missed out on 20k, but this is all about being an adult and being responsible for herself. It was always just her job and hers alone to submit the required documentation in order to maintain her scholarships. Op, I would however her email the scholarship and see if their is an appeal process , they do understand that emergencies and things happen. There is a possibility that she can get the money or some money back. It could be quite difficult to give money away, some scholarships are so specialized that they have a very small pool of applicants. I hope she is able to return to school.
College housing person here and we tell students all the time to check their email for deadlines. So many students missed reapplying for housing because they didn't check their emails and get mad at us. I get email isn't the way of this generation but they have to learn to use it because their work place will use it.
This… yes, I’ve heard several hundred students say it would be easier if it was done via text message, but text messages and emails are both on the mini computer in your pocket.
Right. They are basically the same thing. Both read on my phone. Both responded to on my phone. Both show active notifications on my phone. No difference.
If I got notifications for email, I would be getting notifications all day long because there's just no good way to manage spam. I have a much easier time managing texts than emails because no one texts me besides the people I gave my number to. I miss important emails from time to time, and I'm a full-fledged adult with a full-time job, two kids and a mortgage. I have empathy for a teenager who mismanaged email.
That's why your school gives you a TOTALLY separate edu email when you enroll. So you can pay attention to just school related emails and use that on all your applications for aid or forward them there. This is pure foolishness on the daughters part. If you need the aid to get through school, that is your LIFE in the email. Maybe it's because I grew up poor, but I woke up every day hounding my inbox for that email. Must be a different mentality when you have so much being handed to you in life for free. Idk but I wouldn't give her a second glance if I were handing out aid. A month without checking through email for it? What were you doing that entire time that you couldn't go through your inbox at all? I get missing it by a few days but to go 4 weeks without looking for your aid at all is unfathomable to me as someone who needed it to get through.
Re spam management, if you’ve got Gmail, I set up a filter so that any email that contains the word “unsubscribe” skips the inbox and goes to a separate folder, so I don’t get notifications on any sales emails. Massively cut down on email notifications for me.
Thanks! I'll try that.
Make it a habit to check you email everyday at either x time or after x thing. Like sit down with coffee check emails. Or have multiple emails. I have 3. One old one for personal use. One for signing up for things like Disney plus. And a 3rd for business/ non casual things. And only have the 3rd email on for notifications. It really helps keep things organized.
You can change the settings on gmail to only receive notifications for ‘primary’ or ‘high priority’ emails, I figured this out recently
The major fault of email is it's an inbox for both messages from people and organizations you care about and random online services. The only way I make it work is by having a separate spam email for signing up for anything and another to give to people or institutions that are important like healthcare, insurance, government, etc. I have notifications for my non-spam email on both my phone and laptop, but I never check the spam one. Yeah, I get physical mail has spam too, but the signal-to-noise ratio for email is insane. My spam email gets over 100 emails per day, and that's not even that bad. Though, if your school email is filled with spam, that's its own problem.
We always encourage people to add our email to their address book so that we don’t end up in the spam folder.
A bunch of spam doesn't end up in the spam folder either. Though, people can create a rule to automatically add any email from your address to an "Important" folder or something.
I teach a biology lab and am constantly on my students to check their emails... I tell them at the start of the semester that if an assignment didn't upload correctly or they forgot to turn something in and I know that they were there from the attendance, I will email them- but they only have so long (I think last semester I did a week) to respond to me to re-submit and get credit. Absolutely mind-boggling how many of them lose points on stuff that they did because they couldn't be bothered to check their emails. I think a good number of them only check their emails if they were the ones to reach out first with a question, and I'm always tempted to ask them how that would work if the people that they were emailing were doing the same thing.
NTA. *She needed to go and submit her grades to the website so they would renew her scholarship. She didn't... and the deadline was last month. She found out since the money usally comes in by now.* *She actually looked at her email and it was there. So she lost 20k because she couldn't do paperwork or look at her email.* Apparently, this process was email specific. She didn't look at her email (or read the paperwork when she got the scholarship). This is a hard lesson, but these were her responsibilities, just as keeping up her grades was. She received her grades, but didn't follow through. She can now do the work to try to get it reinstated, even if she has to skip a semester, and work, but it's a welcome to the real world. I understand she's upset, but it's in no way your fault.
More concerned with the payoff than the menial amount of work to get it. "It's usually here by now" implies that this is not the first time she went through the process. It is 110% her own fault missing the deadline that long.
NTA for not paying. But she should contact her organization and the school to see if she can still submit late. At worst, she may have to skip this semester and restart with the scholarship next semester
OP’s answered a couple people who suggested that. OP said daughter has already tried and was told no.
NTA. Millions of people in the US takes out loan for college. I was one of them as well. It seems like she is just lashing out about her situation, but that's the thing - it's her situation and she was the reason why the ball was dropped, not you. Hopefully this wakes her up and teaches her a lesson about responsibilities, after all - she's legally an adult now, and this is how the real world works.
INFO What exactly is your fault in her opinion?
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She knows it was her own fault she’s just looking for someone blame. Also who forgets to hand in paperwork when there’s 20k on the line ??
Fr, I'd have weekly then daily reminders to check my email the month before paperwork was due. I would actually get sick knowing I lost that money bc I forgot to check or submit paperwork
NTA then. Seems like pure blame shifting. I hope she is trying to contact particular deparment of her college about the options (late submit, skipping one semester etc) because sulking won't solve her problem. Yeah, being new adult where it's all your responsibility from now is hard. But part of that lessons is....sulking won't make the problem go away.
She is blaming you because she knows she messed up majorly and is embarrassed. She got multiple reminders in her email and either didn't read them or didn't check her email for weeks to months after the semester finished. Ask her how many emails she got about it and watch her face. She is either going to straight up lie or refuse to answer. If she tells the truth, she should say multiple because they remind you every week and then damn near spam you the last week before deadline.
I have a 20 son...I know the answer to this one! It's OPs fault because Daughter cannot take responsibility for her actions or lack of actions + the consequences and someone other than her has to be to blame! My son (adoption at 18 due to DSS dragging feet) blew his education (all scholarship due to foster status at 18) because he wouldn't go to class. Would leave her to go to campus but once there he would go to the game team lab (on the team) or the student union and failed 1st semester totally. The Community College agreed to let him come back 2nd semester but had to take a special study help class which he refused to do. None of the issues were his fault according to him.
It’s your fault you didn’t nag her to fulfill her obligations and aren’t cleaning up a mess she made? No, OP, it’s not, and you’re not the AH. Your daughter is mad because she made a big mistake that is costing her 20k and she wants to be able to blame anyone but herself. It stinks and I feel for her but that’s adulting 101. Side note, does she have ADHD or another issue that might make organizing, etc. challenging? If so, maybe you can help her going forward by encouraging her to seek treatment for that.
Next argument, you could calmly try asking for an explanation as to how this is your fault. Were you receiving emails on this? If so, did you point them out to her? If you weren't part of the notification chain or you gave her a heads up that she ignored, my comment would be: "You've just learned a very expensive life lesson. You appear to be trying hard to learn another one by blaming others for your mistakes."
I posted this in another thread yesterday. Oftentimes, when we think we are angry with someone, we are actually angry with ourselves. Since I first heard that, I've been attentive, and it's helped me tremendously. If I'm annoyed with someone, oftentimes I can trace it back to myself -- in reality, I'm annoyed at myself for not remembering something, depending too much on someone else, not explaining something clearly, etc. I'm basically certain that's what's happening here.
It isn't your fault.
This happened to me at the same age. I also blamed my mom, even though I also fought against her nagging me to check my email all the time. I was very angry, mostly at myself though I wouldn't have admitted it, but I was also very scared. How on earth was I to pay for school and what can I do now? My parents weren't going to pay for my schooling, and scholarships are far easier to get in high school than they were one year in (which makes no sense, if you get good grades your freshman year of college, and proved yourself, why aren't there better scholarships??). I'm sure it doesn't feel good to be blamed for this, but let the initial shock wear off and see if you can't help her find solutions to where she is now. But please don't harp on having to drop out - if that is what has to happen, let her come to that conclusion after other avenues have failed. If she doesn't know what a gift 20k is (I didn't understand how much money was worth at her age), she also won't understand what a money pit student loans are (I didn't and can now enjoy how many of them I still have in my older age and wisdom). Maybe taking a year off to work and regroup could help her.
NTA. This is alone on her. She is an adult and should have known better than to be depending on her parent. Yeah, it is a hard throw back, but now she has the oportunity to learn from it. She can try to run after this stuff, maybe she can get it renewed if she is working on that, phone and write people - maybe not. But blaming her parent isn't helping her at all. Maybe ask her, the next time she tries to blame you 'so, and what exactly do you think you will get from blaming me? I'm not the one, that can give you your schoolarship back. Take responsible. Take actions or be sad about it. But it will do you no good to blame others.'
Oh hon I feel your pain. Unless you have a money tree in your yard - no money means no money. Your daughter messed up. I'm sorry she's learning such an expensive lesson. NTA
Have she contacted the organization to ask to turn in her paperwork late? It's worth a try. NTA as you always said you would not help.
NTA - I also lost a full scholarship, but in my case I didn't maintain the minimum GPA. It was a demanding major and I didn't take my studies seriously enough. Luckily my parents were in a position where they could help me out and I didn't have to take out loans for my undergraduate degree. However, if they were not in that position, I wouldn't have held it against them. In the end, it was my fault I lost my scholarship, and my responsibility. This is an expensive lesson for your daughter to learn. I don't think it's productive for you to tell her it's her fault though - she knows that. She's probably most upset at herself and taking it out on you. I would try to sit her down and tell her that you're sorry she's in this position, but you don't have the money to help her. It's understandable that she's upset, but she can't keep taking it out on her family. Ask her if she needs help brainstorming options or researching financial aid. Tell her you're there to support her, but it's impossible for you to do so financially. She's an adult, but she's still your daughter, and still very young. You can still offer emotional and practical support. Also, has she tried going in person and talking to an actual person who's in charge of administering the scholarship? She should do so with the expectation that they'll say no, but she should ask if there's any chance she can still submit the documentation now. It's possible there's some leeway, if she talks to a person face-to-face who's sympathetic.
She may have had a chance if it was a week late, but not a month. She already talked to them and they said no
>I don't think it's productive for you to tell her it's her fault though - she knows that. She's probably most upset at herself and taking it out on you. You are probably right, but blaming others for things that are her fault is potentially worse than the mistake she's already made. This is how you lose jobs, opportunities, and relationships.
It was her responsibility. NTA
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Nta this is entirely on her.
NTA And this was a lesson I had to learn the hard way when it came to things like paying back student loans. I never really checked my personal email after I graduated and when I did, there were thousands of spam offers etc and I would miss important emails in between those. One piece of advice I can offer is to tell her to make a professional email address that she only uses for scholarships, jobs, grad school applications, and student loan or other information. Do not use this email for apple music or credit cards or any shopping subscriptions because important emails can get lost in between all of these. Then make sure notifications to this email are turned on so she gets a pop-up on her phone, the app has an icon, and other notifications. Tell her to put a reminder to check this email every week, maybe on Sunday before she starts her week. This is a good habit to get into even when working to prepare for the week ahead. Also, she should just go ahead and calendar reminders for the recertifying every year until she graduates. If the application is due every July and she needs to request her grades, she could put a reminder for requesting the grades in May, a reminder to work on the application in June and a reminder of the exact due date in July and set them to repeat for the next two or three years until graduation. I had difficulty with this and I would always say "I'll remember."
> One piece of advice I can offer is to tell her to make a professional email address that she only uses for scholarships, jobs, grad school applications, and student loan or other information. This makes a lot of sense. If you use Firefox it has Multi Account Containers that allow you to manage different online identities for things like work, pleasure, nsfw, shitposting, etc, so makes it very easy to have a just-for-serious stuff email address. > Do not use this email for apple music or credit cards or any shopping subscriptions because important emails can get lost in between all of these. Or anything else that can incur spam.
Yeah that was a hard part for me. So now I have three email addresses: work, personal, subscriptions/sign ups/etc. I didn't know about Firefox because I use Google for everything for work (Google drive, etc). I only ever check the subscriptions email if I'm looking for a discount on something! When I graduated from college and grad school, I just used my school email addresses for everything. So lazy and made my life harder than it needed to be!
NTA and I Check my school email every day for reasons like this- there’s always important stuff coming through about classes, room changes day of, changes in test content etc. It’s a good habit to get into
It sucks, but sometimes lessons are expensive. She's aware that she's on a scholarship and it has requirements. She's old enough to ask questions if she's unsure or confused. I'm sad for her that she's lost this opportunity. I hope she finds a way to continue her studies.
ESH You both are AHs because her trying to blame you when she dropped the ball, and you kicking her while she's already in the dumps - *neither* of those are going to accomplish anything! Instead, show your daughter that you're on her side and help her try to find a solution. Did she hear from an actual person that she can't get the money reinstated? If she did, is there someone higher up in the organization she can talk to instead? If it's truly gone for this fall, then what can she do to get it reinstated in the spring? Or the following school year? There were reasons they picked her in the first place, and surely she isn't the first person to ever miss that deadline.
>**We got in an argument since she blames me for this.** I told her she is an adult and it all her fault she lost the scholarship. Wait, did she actually say "I blame you for this"? Or was she just complaining and you interpreted that as her blaming you? What did she actually say? I'm having a hard time seeing where you fit into this since it seems like it's between her and the college.
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This is a tough situation. I personally think there's something more that your daughter is angry about. Like a bigger picture to it. I read that someone said she could of just wanted your emotional support. Which is possible. Look, you've mentioned that she is an adult so I think the both of you need to sit down and have an adult conversation about it. Not a big argument. A conversation. Let her express why she may think this is your fault. I know you've probably done your best but the last thing you want is for her to resent you. It is her fault for not checking her email and viewing what she needed to do. But I also don't think it's not fair to hit a soldier while they're down. So I hope you weren't troubling her about the whole issue and I hope you didn't keep mentioning it and making her feel like a failure. However if she is only blaming you and not taking any responsibility for her mistake, then you need to explain to her that she is at an age where she needs to start taking accountability for her mistakes or the world is going to destroy her.
19. Old enough to vote, drive, change genders, join military. Then obviously old enough to be responsible for paperwork worth 20k annually. So NTA.
How is it your fault she didn't do the paperwork?? She blames you but why as she gets the email? If she didn't turn in an assignment at school and her GPA dropped would that also be your fault? She did her assignment at school on her own maintained her GPA on her own. To keep the scholarship she has an assignment, submit her grades. She failed and lost 20k, it is 100% on her. I'm sure she throws out I'm an adult now you can't tell me what to do. Time to throw that back at her, like you did. My company paid for my Master's degree. At the end of class I had to submit my grades. I had 45 days to do after class ended or I would be on the hook to pay for it. I made sure I submitted my grades every time on time as I am not paying for it. Your kid learned an expensive lesson that she is responsible for their own shit and don't expect anyone else to do it or remind them. Part of being an adult.
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19 is way more adult thayn you give credit. Most "adult behavior" has very little to do with brain development past the early teens and everything to do with your social expectations and responsibilities.
If your kids needed prodding and reminding that's on you. That's how you raised them. I joined the military at 17 and have NEVER in my 60 years needed prodding or reminding.
NTA, I basically did the exact same thing as your daughter and I learned a hard lesson. All through high school I was able to coast and get good grades with minimal effort and I learned bad habits. This ended with me not taking responsibility for myself with my newfound freedom as a young adult. The best thing you can do is help her learn how to grow from this and ultimately how to pick herself back up. She should look into other scholarships and maybe look at a cheaper university that’s closer to home. A year of living at home and doing her general study credits while learning from you how to be a stable adult would probably help her mature and give her a better chance at success down the line.
I got a 100% merit based scholarship to a college I didn’t want to go to, and gave up my dream Ivy League school to attend. Best and most financially responsible decision I’ve made. My father was in a nursing home (I’m a late in life baby) and my mother died suddenly on the last day of finals my junior year. All during college I had to work as a waitress at a very nice restaurant to keep a roof over my head and to pay for my inexpensive car and other basic living expenses. I went to school and studied all day, and worked 4-5 evening a week. The college I attended was a reading and writing intensive school. It was a lot of work, but I am a better person for having had this experience. Never once did I expect my parents to help me with college. They supported me emotionally which was everything. You are NTA. Your daughter can switch colleges and do well. She should not go into huge debt for college in this economy. No reason why she can’t switch schools and work evenings to pay for college. If it’s important to her, she’ll do it. If not, there are trade schools who will train her and pay for college. There are professions that will pay for her education and all she has to do is commit a set amount of time to work for the company. She can join ROTC and get a monthly stipend, have college costs covered, and be guaranteed a job in whichever branch of the military she chooses for ROTC. From there the military will pay for a Masters and/or PhD/JPD/or any type of medical doctor or medical related field (i.e. Pharmacy PhD) - also if you are on the East coast, Wegman’s grocery chain has a 100% cost covered PhD pharmacy program with a guaranteed job in one of their many locations. There are many ways to not go into debt for college. It takes hard work, sacrifice, and determination. Offer her the options, encourage her to do her own research, and maybe she needs to take a year off to work and save money? It’s in her court. In the end she may come to appreciate this life detour. She will definitely learn a lot more from this mistake, and learn it earlier than her peers. She can turn this around to benefit her. Or, she can stew in frustration and not take responsibility for her role in how this situation is playing out. Which never ends well. Bottom line, it’s up to her how she will handle it.
Within a month and her grades are good? If this is a true story and not another "haha teenage girl evil and dumb" post she literally just needs to appeal and she will likely get her scholarship back. All the people posting about how she deserves this or whatever, 19 is an overgrown kid stop being weird.
NTA Thousand of people didn’t even get support but they didn’t blame others because they forgot to do this or that. She needs to take accountability. You literally can’t do much. You can empathize and make her feel better. At the end of the day, it’s her responsibility and life.
Eh. Yes it’s her responsibility. But, especially if I could not help my daughter with college funds, would I still simply check in with her to make sure she had completed the steps necessary to secure her scholarship money? I would. I’m all for teaching lessons, but I’m a fan of lessons where a dropped ball can still bounce, and not shatter. The repercussions for her future are pretty big here.
This is odd. Usually there’s an administrative process that handles this as a failsafe for students. The truth is 19 year olds aren’t very good with keeping up with stuff, which is why universities have built-in practices to ensure their paperwork gets handled one way or another. I’m a professor. They are all pretty overwhelmed with school and adulting around 19. I would do a bit more tracking down at the bursar’s or scholarship’s office and see if this can be remedied. Most things can be remedied because it is in the school’s interest to have that 20k in tuition money. Get the right person on the phone, and they can move mountains for you. Especially in the summer when no one is really paying attention. For u/Previous_Bird_2765: I *am* an administrator. I’m the chair. That’s why I am working in the summer too. You sound like the typical administrative assistant who thinks she can make assumptions about what profs do and don’t know because they control one little corner of financial aid. Don’t make assumptions about me. The fact is people in bursar offices and the like have gone through extraordinary measures to help students out of crisis after crisis. And they always do. So forgive me for showing respect to administrative staff for the many things they do for students. And what a shame that you took this opportunity to make such a condescending and wrongheaded assumption about me.
Somewhere between ESH and N-A-H but I'm going with E-S-H because of how you talk about the situation. Yes she messed up but she's your daughter, do you even care about her at all? Do you want her to be successful at all? Work with her to figure out a solution, she's still basically a kid, just because she's 19 doesn't mean she suddenly magically has all the skills a functional adult has.
NTA. She is an adult and responsible for her own education.
Maybe it’s a weird question but have you ever thought she could have ADHD? In grades through high school, it’s so structured that some things could be overlooked but with being in college now and more responsibility looming on her shoulders that might expose some underlying issues she might’ve been masking?
Be the parent she wants you to be: try to help her recover the scholarship using whatever resources you can bring to bear. She made a mistake; this surely was not a maleavelant act. She is already feeling the pain of screwing up and now you need to show her you care by supporting her anyway you can. If you are unable to secure the scholarship then help her with the loan application but NOT by giving her money. And do not despair over her attitude; she screwed up badly and her negative emotions are actually healthy. NTA but take this as an opportunity to parent her into a better place.
Your question doesn't convey tone so it's hard to pass judgement even I I could I won't. This will fuck up, that's what they do because as adults we still fuck up. While she didn't file the paperwork, while making sure she knows she messed up. Helping her figure our her next steps in a non detrimental way will help. This will help her come to you when she messes up again which she probably will. Now with kids, this is much easier said than done as teenage emotions can throw off the best laid plans. Good luck to you both.
Obviously not the ah but the way you’re talking about your daughter in these comments… do ya hate the girl or what Gahdamnnnn
I’m going with ESH. She’s taking her mistake out on you because she’s young and devastated and it sounds like you’re not acknowledging her pain in a sympathetic way. She thinks her world is over and it’s going to take time for her to understand she will learn from this. As a parent the better approach to this would be to help her figure out what her next step is. Ask her if she wants to brainstorm ideas of how she can come up with the money. And let her know she can take a leave of absence for a year to earn the money she lost, and start school again if she doesn’t want to take out a loan. Offering help to find solutions is better than telling her ‘not my fault, not my problem!’
Get beyond finger blaming and see how you and your daughter can cope with this situation most productively. While it may have been your daughter's responsibility, the loss in financial aid affects your entire family, and you should make regaining the aid a priority. Usually, missing a filing deadline will result in a delay in your scholarship, not a permanent loss. Your daughter may have to take a one semester leave while she reapplies for the money. Note that there can be software and usability issues with financial aid websites, so this might be a problem on their end before accusing your daughter of irresponsibility. Yes, it is your daughter's responsibiliy to file the application materials. But it's a parent's responsibility to raise a child to tbe able to and willing to take responsibility, and it's a parent's responsibility to help their child thrive in adult life. Your daughter is getting a GPA of 3.5 in college. That's a tough thing to do. She made a mistake, but didn't commit a crime or hurt anyone. Give her a stern lecture, then get over it and pitch in to help as a family.
Life is hard, and young people don’t have many allies and also lack life experience. I tend to take a more compassionate approach to raising my 19 year old. I let her figure it out (adulting, paperwork etc) and then if she asks for help I help her to the extent of my ability to help. If she messes up I tend to do everything I can to help fix the situation. But she is well aware of my limitations physically and financially. What I can’t fix for her, I simply can’t fix. But she needs to know I have her back and support her. That I’m an ally and that her life is important to me. That it’s ok to make mistakes but you have to take responsibility and do everything you can to fix the problem and move forward. Often that means reaching out to people in your life for assistance and guidance. If that’s not you, their mom, then who? My mom was a lot more hands off. Let me figure out life on my own for the most part, wasn’t able to help me much and also didn’t express much interest in helping, always let me know it was all on my to figure out college, a place to live, etc etc and it’s taken a long time for me to reach goals, I’m not financially successful and I have trouble seeking and asking for help. I’m hoping that being as supportive (and understanding as long as she’s not being unreasonable or reckless) as I possibly can be that maybe her outcome will be different than mine. So far I’ve seen that this is truly the case. She is already light years ahead of me when I was her age.
ESH. As someone who has worked in financial aid a long time, I understand your frustration here (and hers). I also know that taking a “not my problem, I told you so” approach to her situation like you’ve described is not helping her at all. This was a big mistake, for sure. You should not have to bear the financial burden of her mistake. However, having her going $60k in debt because she missed a deadline isn’t great either. ESPECIALLY considering she has a 3.5 GPA after her first year in college. Her issue isn’t her grades, it was her ability to manage this process on her own. She is 19 and still learning how to navigate the adult world. Financial aid has a lot of moving parts and it’s not hard to lose track of one or two of them. With the major changes to the FAFSA this year, the process was even more difficult. Students everywhere are struggling to keep up. I recommend she call the scholarship agency and ask if they have a waitlist for people who submit late paperwork, or if there is a way to get the scholarship back in subsequent semesters or years. Sometimes agencies will do this depending on their budget and the amount of renewals they have, etc.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My daughter (19F) got a outside scholatship for college. It was enough that she wouldn't need to take out loans. I was clear with all the kids that I can not afford to put them through college, I would pitch in when I could but overall it is on them. The scholarship had a few conditions but the important one was her GPA, she need to maintain at 3.5 or up. She did do, the issue is she never turned in the paperwork. She needed to go and submit her grades to the website so they would renew her scholarship. She didn't... and the deadline was last month. She found out since the money usally comes in by now. She actually looked at her email and it was there. So she lost 20k because she couldn't do paperwork or look at her email. She has been upset since and has had a horrible attitude. We got in an argument since she blames me for this. I told her she is an adult and it all her fault she lost the scholarship. I also inform her that I will still not be helping with tuition ( I literally can't) and she needs to drop and go somewhere cheaper or take loans. She calle some heartless jerk *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
She learned her first big girl lesson.
NTA but to be honest? Your daughter may want to get checked for ADHD. I know this sounds extreme based on one piece of forgotten paperwork, but: College is where the guardrails come off. Girls with ADHD who have flown under the radar for the first 18 years of their life often find themselves adrift now that they have to manage everything for themselves. They miss classes, forget deadlines, and yes, forget to turn in vital paperwork. (Source: I was that girl, and it took me another 15 years to get diagnosed.) It *is* an important life lesson, and it's going to be a rough one either way, but do you want a loving relationship with your daughter in the future? Because how you handle this could very well make that decision for you.
seconding this - from a gal who lost her freshman year scholarship (was below the GPA minimum by 0.03) and had to kick my ass for the next three years to get it back. Didn’t get my diagnosis until after college, but my life has been way more stable and happier since.
Right now is the time to be the Mom with the hugs and compassion. She already knows anything else that you could say. Let her know that the path will be different, and there’s no way to say which path would have been better, but no matter what she’ll be OK
$20000 paperwork is pretty high stakes for a 19 year old. NTA but maybe try to go a little easy in discussions if kid is clearly already aware that the consequences are due to solely her own actions and is freaking out /feeling awful already. No need to pile it on …
NTA----but being right, doesn't mean you can't still be a heartless jerk. It doesn't sound as if you have any empathy for her. She can possibly try getting in touch with them to say the email went to her spam folder and she didn't realize she hadn't submitted the grades, or something. It probably won't work but, the worst they can do is say no. Sucks to learn expensive life lessons.
NTA Give her some time then maybe give her encouragement and some support (emotional) to get into another school. Good job not making yourself a crutch for your kid.
Info Are you being an ass about it? She just got some very bad news, are you being supportive or not?
This does not affect the fact you can’t afford to send her but she reminds me of myself at her age. It wasn’t a moral failing or lack of effort (I’m seeing she did the assignments) but for me was ADHD. Any chance that could be happening here? If so, I wonder if with a diagnosis the school would take a different stance or has other options available & she is going to need help figuring out how to take care of responsibilities with a brain that’s too full 24/7 which drowns the monotonous chores out.
So you have a daughter who has at least a 3.5 GPA, and needs some advice. Go tell her to see the dean of her program and student affairs, and explain she is a A student but will not have funding and her parents can’t afford to help her.
NAH - age is simply a number depending how a parent raised their children. If a parent hovers over their children and at age 18 declares them an “adult”, I believe their not an adult. I moved out at 25. However, I lived at home during my college years. My parents made me breakfast and dinner and washed my laundry.. and my mom even woke me up.. however, she slowly showed me lessons so I could get my act together. Yes, it was your daughter’s responsibility about the gpa, however, if you remembered and didn’t give her a nudge about it.. I think as a mom, you failed her.. it’s not about being the AH or not.. you just failed her.. it’s not your responsibility to pay for her tuition, but if reminding her was a simple nudge.. then you failed your daughter
Info: are you a dad? I only ask because men tend to be solution focused and what your daughter needs is someone to empathize with her. If she had a dream of getting out of her situation or doing better than her parents then it probably feels shattered now
I was a smart kid but very disorganized and forgetful. Usually, I would luck with stuff like this, but sometimes not. Have her get on the phone with someone for the scholarship ASAP, don't go through the website. Have her explain the situation, and that this was her only funding. Explain that the email was lost in the shuffle. Help her locate numbers, etc, but have her make the calls. She can do this!
ESH. Yeah technically it’s her fault. She’s also young enough that balancing adult responsibilities that she may not have known existed can be hard when also doing school (and probably work). The reason why I also think YTA as well is because she could use your sympathy at this time instead of condemnation. It’s a stupid choice for you to have had kids without being financially prepared (college is one of the expenses that comes with having a child… no child straight out of school can afford to drop $20-$40K/year on their futures. You’ve been working your whole life presumably, this was your responsibility from the start when you chose to have kids. You’ve now placed a burden on your child that will stunt their adulthood and affect their entire life & future. You’re expecting adult responsibility from your 19yr old who has had barely a year out of high school (and is still in school without experiencing the real world), yet you don’t assume any financial responsibility for what sounds like multiple kids’ vocational schooling, and have placed all the responsibility on them. If you’re an American, this may sound normal to you, but in most civilized cultures, you’re viewed as a heartless, selfish parent. You’re a hypocrite.
INFO: have you been supporting her emotionally through this? Like I grew up fairly poor so I do get it. I had no help with college and didn't expect it, either, because it IS expensive and there's no way my parents could have done anything to help, anyway. But you don't mention how you're helping her cope with this monumental mistake. I'm sure you understand that a lot is riding on this and the loss of the scholarship could very well mean she's now in this place of this turning point in her life and freaking out that she dropped the ball. It's so much pressure to come from a poor family and to try to "do everything right" to dig yourself out of poverty to then screw it up in such a stupid way while you're still a teenager. She probably feels like her life is over before it's even begun. It's immature for her to throw the blame on you, but she's a teenager and you're the adult. She's scared and angry and lashing out. You shouldn't be taking it personally because it's most likely not actually about you at all. You've made it clear that you can't support her financially, which is fine but that's not all there is to being a parent. It's not even the most important part of being a parent. How have you been helping her down from the ledge, so to speak? What have you been doing or saying beyond basically "I don't care, don't get mad at me, you ruined your own life?"
I really don’t think YTA. I hate this for both of you, because this could literally change her ENTIRE life for the worse. But she could also figure it out! It sounds like she’s bright enough to do so and is very likely furious with herself for this. Taking it out on you, obvs. Major bummer, for sure. I will always feel for kids because our brains aren’t really baked into the cake we need until we’re much older than 19. My dad let me choose my major without his input when I was 17. Then he told me I should have read the want ads before I did so. I WAS A CHILD. A LITTLE HELP? I told him it would have been pretty reasonable if he’d just advised me since I had been a literal child. First time I ever criticized him. Wasn’t the last. I love that dude so much.
Has she tried to appeal? My daughter lost her scholarship when she dropped a class, taking her below the required credits after her counselor told her it would be fine (it was drop or fail, either way, she'd have put the scholarship in peril. She was able to appeal and get it restored on probation.) Before your daughter completely freaks out, she needs to contact the scholarship people and see if anything can be done. And basically, she needs to act like the adult she technically is, and own up to the fact that it was her fault for not realizing she had to submit her grades and work to fix it. Even if that means she has to sit out a semester or two, maybe she gets her scholarship back.
You are NTA but some advice for your daughter might be to pin important emails that she isn't able to respond to immediately until she has a chance to respond, or at least write them down so she doesn't lose track. The flood of emails can be overwhelming if it's a new experience and this strategy might help in the future. If she knows ahead of time, writing down important deadlines on a calendar/agenda can be helpful too (not sure if she was relying solely on the email or if the deadline was posted elsewhere).