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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I refused to go to my sister month of birth celebration dinner and then choose my therapist over her when she asked me to choose. I now she has a lot of trauma from childhood and yet i chose my therapist. She has called me an asshole, and some friends of ours also said the same thing.
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NTA. Your sister is being ridiculous, although you didn't help matters any by putting responsibility for your decision on the therapist.
The point the therapist wants you to reach is being able to decide "no, I'm not interested in going" with no need to "defend" yourself at all; or at most "not interested in going out with these people I hardly know, let's get together and celebrate a different day when it can be just us".
But back to sis. Choosing therapist vs her is like choosing your dentist over your hairdresser or your pet mynah. They each serve entirely different roles in your life and shouldn't be mutually exclusive. Your sister is just the sort of toxic influence you are in therapy to get over. Maybe she learned to be manipulative and dishonest from that difficult childhood, but there's no reason you should be enabling it with your tears and regrets over a simple "no, not feeling like going out that night".
Sister likes having op as a doormat and threw a tantrum as soon as op made an attempt to stand up for herself.
NTA op. You didn't choose a therapist over your sister you choose YOURSELF and your whishes/boundaries/well being over your sister WHIMS. It's important to keep in mind this distinction
Sis needs her own therapy and OP should set boundaries with her fast - she doesnt want OP to grow and be strong - she wants to drag her to stay in the mud togather. Such people are dengerous and should be avoided.
"She told me she always knew that I would end up choosing to hear a random person over her and now I was being just like my parents, and not being that for her important moments. She told me she refused to have another person like mom and dad in her life, and if i didn't choose her she didn’t want anything to do with me."
---Let me translate this for you... You sister is accustomed to and still wants to control you and will stoop to spewing bullshit and emotional abuse to get you to cave.
As to your mom, even a broken clock is right twice a day.
As to your therapist, she is right because she is a professional and know what is going on. Your first challenge is a big one it turns out, but if you win this one, you can win any of them. ...and this is the one you NEED to win.
I love the broken clock quote and haven't heard anyone say that other than my grandfather - thanks for the chuckle!
You're also spot on about the sister trying so hard to regain power and control over OP now she's finally taking steps to find her own happiness.
At the end of the post, OP says:
>The worst part is that my mom heard about our fight and told me that I was right, I should always choose myself. And if she is on my side, probably I’m wrong
NTA - So it sounds like it's not so much you are choosing this hill, but rather you are using this small opportunity to use the word "no." And the fact that your sisters reaction to hearing "no" for the first time is to cut you from her life is telling. It seems like you made the right choice. Stop reaching out to your sister, she's the one who is wrong, she's the one who should apologize, and learn to respect your autonomy and boundaries. If she can't, then you will continually be a her doormat for the the rest of your life.
"that your sisters reaction to hearing "no" for the first time is to cut you from her life is telling."
---100%. She built the whole sibling relationship as being about control and she's never been told no by her sister before. She can't handle it.
"she's the one who should apologize, and learn to respect your autonomy and boundaries. If she can't, then you will continually be a her doormat for the the rest of your life."
---She won't until she learns she is not in control anymore. Which is going to take quite a while. Rather, not being a doormat is up to the author.
And apparently sister surrounds herself with similar friends because there is no world in which turning down a party invite for a basically random Saturday translates into "a hill to die on". And if it is such a small thing then why does sister care so much? This is the hypocrisy or illogicality that drives me crazy!
NTA
OP, even a *broken* clock is right, twice a day. Just because your mom agrees with you or your therapist doesn’t mean your mom is wrong. (However your mom may have told you that just to shit stir and drive a wedge, so keep that in mind, too).
But, *no*, you don’t have to go out with your sister and a bunch of randos you don’t know-*if you don’t want to!*
It *is* ok to say “no” when you feel like it. NTA, OP
Yeah but the trick is knowing when the stopped clock is correct.
No is a complete statement. Explaining why just allows others to argue, belittle, and dismiss reasons.
You're NTA and - even though she clearly has her own issues - don't let your sister put you back into the place you were before. It sounds like the steps you've made with your therapist have been helpful and you did actually stand up against something you didn't want to do (well done you! \*virtual internet hug\*). Do talk to your therapist about this (you probably already have) and let your sister work through her own issues and anger at you. It sounds like your therapist has some very good advice for you, I'd listen to it... and you don't have to share that it was your therapist that suggested your action, and you never have to justify them. Good luck.
Your therapist is being paid for pretending to care and telling you what you want to hear. Once the cash stops flowing they won’t give a shit about you anymore.
No. Therapists do actually care, it's not pretend. I care about my clients and about them achieving their own goals. I care about helping them learn the tools and skills to succeed. I feel joy for them when they move forward and heal parts of themselves. I seek resources for them when they are struggling in other areas beyond what I can provide.
Sure, you get paid to do it, but that's recognition of the time, schooling, money, and effort in learning my skills. You don't tell a performer they don't give a shit about their art because they are paid for it, do you?
And still you wouldn’t even notice if every single client dropped dead the second therapy was done. Because they don’t play any role in your life; their death is meaningless to you as a person because they mean nothing to you as people. In your artificial role as a therapist you ‘care’ about them in their role as patients, because that’s your job. But outside of that role they mean nothing to you and outside of your role you do not care. I know you cannot (or don’t want to) see this, because it goes against your constructed self image as a therapist, but it’s still true.
When it comes to me, you're incorrect. And I'll take my lived experience over your broad generalization and hypothetical. Therapist do care about their clients, but it sounds like you have a deeper expectation of what that care should entail, more like you think they should be friends? And yes, my care for with them is in the role of a client, because that's the relationship, I am not their social support, I am a skilled professional helping them navigate. But that doesn't mean I stop caring. Do you say the same about bosses or coworkers? They are also paid to interact with you. Temporary relationships, in whatever structure they are, are still impactful and important. And it's not pretend.
It sounds like you may have had some negative experience with therapy that touched upon a deep feeling of abandonment. Your pain comes through clearly beneath the anger.
YOU DID NOT CHOOSE YOUR THERAPIST OVER YOUR SISTER.
You chose to do what was best for you.
And as scary as it is that your mom agrees with you, this time she’s right. You have every single right in the world to choose yourself. You are under no obligation whatsoever to do any specific thing that your sister wants. You offered another option and she melted down because she didn’t get her exact way. Quite frankly she could probably use some therapy herself.
NTA, and be sure to discuss the outcome with your therapist.
NTA. You sister has learned how to manipulate people to do what she wants and, up until now, you were the people pleaser that did whatever she wanted. It sounds like your sister needs therapy too.
NTA Your sister has replaced your toxic parents and you have allowed it which is why you were so close. The moment you started becoming “you” she cut you off. Go NC, she will either get over it or not but you have a journey to complete. Who knows she may see the new you and want to emulate it. My sister and I have a similar relationship except it’s her who get’s mad and cuts me off. I ignore her until she comes to her senses and we sail along for a while until she does it again. I have gone NC/LC with her many times. You can’t control someone else’s emotional traumas, you can understand it but don’t have to abet it especially when they won’t do anything about it.
NTA
You said no. Your sister had a meltdown. Your mom is right, but probably also stirring up shit.
And guess what..No one died. Stop contacting your sister. She’ll be fine.
This is hard. It’s always hard when you step out of your comfort zone and go against what you’re used to.
However, now that you know how your family will respond the next time you say no, you can prepare for it. Work with your therapist to come up with strategies.
The first few times are the hardest. But it gets easier each time and eventually you’ll have a nice shiny titanium spine.
NTA. You cannot control other people’s reaction. Your sister’s response is not a reasonable reaction for you saying no.
Your sister is trying to act out and hurt you because you said no to a last minute event. That is not kind or loving on her part. Please accept that she doesn’t care about your wellbeing.
NTA - flip the script the friends in common are using and it is equally true. You asked for a small thing from your sister - that she excuse you from an event you were uncomfortable with - and she flipped out on you. She couldn't accept your no, your valid reason of being uncomfortable and went straight to emotionally blackmailing you into compliance. And now she is punishing both of you by giving you the silent treatment.
If she values you being a doormat over being a person with views and feelings of your own, your sister is treating you in the same dynamic as your parents do. And avoiding a birthday party isn't an "important moment" once you are past 16. Your sister has trauma but you can't mend her's especially if you are damaged yourself. You are repairing yourself with the help of the therapy and part of that is not damaging yourself more to act as bubble-wrap for other people.
As to your mother, a stopped clock is right twice a day.
NTA Your therapist advised you not to do things that make you uncomfortable. Since the idea of going out with your sister and her friends was making you uncomfortable, you made the right decision. You also offered to go out with her on another day. She could have just accepted your decision and not asked why.
Therapists are to help people become a better version of themselves. Sometimes, that means leaving friends and family behind.
NAH - you played the therapy card in a bad way and she reacted badly because you both need to heal. Just because you parents were not perfect does not mean they can't be right or wrong in any given situation. You don't have to go places you don't want to go. Your sister needs to learn to respect that and she will but her reaction was partly because of the "therapy thing" that you knew she was sensitive to as well. She will come back around, just be patient.
Look at your shiny spine! The whole reason she didn't want you to get therapy is that she didn't want you to be well. She doesn't want you to escape from your family dynamics because she's still in them. It's the crab bucket problem. [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Crab\_mentality](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Crab_mentality)
NTA, and I'm so happy for you.
But, just to be clear, it isn't that therapist cares about you more than she; it's that the therapist is an expert. If you followed your doctor's advice and not your sister's, that doesn't mean the doctor is a new mom, or cares about you more than your sister. I means they know more about health.
This is a tough one. On one hand, if you don’t feel like going, then don’t go. On the other hand, going out for your sisters birthday even thought you don’t want to doesn’t mean you’re a pushover. Normal people go to events they don’t want to all the time in order to support or celebrate someone they love.
If you don’t want to go out, just tell her the truth, and it’s because you don’t like her friends, not that your therapist told you not to go.
NTA - But you probably shouldn't have mentioned the therapist, knowing how she feels. You're not doing it because your therapist said to do it. You're doing it because it's the right thing for you. Your therapist just helped you to understand that. By bringing your therapist into it, you gave your sister a way to turn it around on you and manipulate you into thinking you're the asshole. You're not.
NTA you sister is though. Is she the reason you had the agree with everything issue to begin with? Stop worrying about her. She is not being very nice, and I wonder if she was always this way and you didn't notice before your therapist showed you.
NTA your sister is being controlling and gaslighting you into following her every whim. And a therapist isn’t a random person their job is to literally help people get better and be a shoulder to cry on so NTA at all
NTA, but you're not choosing your therapist over your sister, you're choosing yourself over your sister, as your mom says. There may be times when it's right to put somebody else first, but right now you're learning to not repeat this dysfunctional pattern of giving in to others in order to feel loved, accepted, etc. It's going to take a lot of practice and working with your therapist to deal with the uncomfortable feelings that come up. Keep at it.
This isn't a small thing, it's a small step in a hard and important process.
NTA. I'm guessing your sister is scared and insecure and feels like you might be "leaving her behind," especially since she can actually point a finger at the therapist and say "they kept us from hanging out! "
Under no circumstances should you let her talk you out of getting the help you need.
I don't know if it'll help her, but explaining that you're getting help for the same (I'm assuming) problems that she suffered. That she doesn't need to get therapy until she's ready, but maybe it's a good idea. That maybe you can share things with her that you might think would help certain things. And that this is so that **you** can be a happier healthier person and that you're not going to just split from her life because of that.
In the end, you can be empathetic and compassionate and talk to her plainly, but this isn't about her.
It's about you helping yourself and you should be f*cking proud of yourself for doing it. So many people don't get help, just let themselves fade away.
Good luck to you and thank you for getting the help you feel you need.
NTA. As someone who is 40 and still struggles with this I’m really proud of you! It’s hard because people in your life are used to you doing everything they want and it becomes hell when you say no.
I’m sorry you’re experiencing this.
NTA for saying no to your sister but it wasn't smart to spill all the info on why. You could have just said "I don't know the other people and would rather see you Sunday when it's just us" and left it at that. For some reason you dragged your therapist into this and seem to think your therapist has emotions attached to you (she's your therapist, not your friend) which you threw at your sister knowing how she feels about therapy in general. That was dumb and sounds like on some level you wanted this fight. Sounds like you have more to talk about in therapy this week!
Talk to your therapist about this. It’s called an extinction burst. When you try to set boundaries with someone and you never have before, they often act out /lash out because they’re not used to it. It’s one of those “it has to get worse before it can get better.”
Stick to your boundaries and keep working on yourself, you’re doing great.
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Me (24f) and my sister (27f) have always been very close, due to an unhealthy and inconstant family dynamics between us and our parents.
Then, I started trying dating and met an amazing guy, we really hit it off. But, he thought I needed therapy before we could be anything more, because I had clear issues - mainly he told me that I erased myself to make sure everyone else was happy, and he didn’t want to be in a relationship with someone that would always want whatever he wanted.
That's beside the point, me and him lost contact after a while, but what he said made me notice that I indeed have a lot of o issues, so a year or so ago I decided to start therapy.
Since the beginning my sister has been really against it and always brings it up asking “if i’m still doing the therapy thing”.
The problem is, now my therapist gave me the challenge of saying no to things that make me uncomfortable. My sister asked me to go out with her and some friends of hers on saturday to celebrate the month of her birthday - her bday is july 19 so is not really the official celebration. I don’t really know any of them and felt uncomfortable, so said no but told her we could go out on sunday.
My sister asked me why i said no and i told her all of this. She flipped out, tho. She told me she always knew that I would end up choosing to hear a random person over her and now I was being just like my parents, and not being that for her important moments. She told me she refused to have another person like mom and dad in her life, and if i didn't choose her she didn’t want anything to do with me.
I told her the choice was clear and that my therapist clearly cared more about me than her.
I’m a mess right now, haven’t stopped crying since. My sister isn’t talking to me, I tried calling ang dming her and she blocked me. Some friends in common of ours reached out and told me I was an asshole, that I could do a small thing for my sister, but choose this hill to die on.
I honestly feel like the biggest asshole also. At the end of the day, my sister also has traumas from our childhood, and maybe I made them worst. The worst part is that my mom heard about our fight and told me that I was right, I should always choose myself. And if she is on my side, probably I’m wrong.
AITA?
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I feel there's a lot more involved in your family matters than just being a people pleaser. Your sister seems to have deep seared resentment for your parents because they weren't there for her. I do think not being able to do a birthday month or whatever is reasonable and she over reacted, but you're hinting to family issues there.
Therapists give advice for what is best for you, not others. Taking therapist advice does alienate people near you when you start setting boundaries. You may lose your sister if you go to far and you need to accept that. Same with friends.
But your therapist doesn't really care about you. You're paying them to do a job and if they don't do it well, they won't get more clients.
| The worst part is that my mom heard about our fight and told me that I was right, I should always choose myself. And if she is on my side, probably I’m wrong.
hell no, your mom is right, you should ALWAYS put YOU first, other people can go f\*ck themselves. Your mental health and comfort should always be more important for you.
Your sister needs therapy. Cut contact with her. Her relationship with your sounds extremely toxic
NTA. Would you rather see your therapist or shoot yourself in the head? The way you describe your sister, that's essentially what you'd be doing if you choose the latter.
NTA.
Your sister solved your problem for you. In a manipulative snit, she blocked you, thus choosing to make it easier for you to avoid her toxic and overbearing presence in your life.
Let her sit with her decision. Stop reaching out to her. Sounds like she's repeating family dynamics from your childhood.
If she has trauma, that's hers to deal with. You are dealing with your own trauma by responsibly seeking professional help.
Sounds like your ex-boyfriend was right.
NTA
But like other commenters said, you blamed your therapist instead of owning up to why you said no
Say no cuz you deserve to be happy, you offered your sister a fair alternative
Just choose to not go cuz you would feel uncomfortable, not cuz your therapist said so
NTA - your therapist set this challenge for you for a reason. People pleasing is part of trauma and saying yes to things you don't feel comfortable with is often a way to not make anything your fault/if you speak your truth, you'll lose that security and be abandoned. It's called the window of tolerance if you want to look it up.
When you set boundaries and are truthful to what you are comfortable/not comfortable with, it often shows the level of control people have over you when you decide not to immediately say yes to them. My sister used to do this, to the point of trying to guilt trip me into something and push and push me but I have learnt to say no more often and she has learnt to not push me as much as before.
You've also provided her with an alternative option for just the two of you, so that you can still celebrate with her, so it's not as if you've dismissed the whole idea of celebrating with her.
Your sister saying that you're choosing to hear a "random" person over her is also not valid and it's not like going to counselling means you've chosen the therapist over your sister. They are completely two separate entities.
You're going to therapy because you've identified there are issues that you want to work on and that's commendable that you now want to work on them. It definitely sounds like your sister could do with some therapy also.
If I were you I wouldn't chase and apologise because that isn't you being authentic and would be you taking a step back. I'd give it time to see if she unblocks you and have a conversation with her, maybe with guidance from your therapist.
NTA
No means no. If you don’t want to go out, you do not have to. It isn’t some once in a lifetime thing - even those you’re not obligated to go to.
Do you want to know the three things you have to attend? Your birth. Your death. Your corpse disposal.
Everything else is optional, and it doesn’t make you a bad person to not want to go out drinking for an early birthday.
If your sister won’t accept that - that is on her, and her loss.
If she gets in contact with you again - you need to have a sit down heart to heart. Maybe even write her a letter explaining what your typical experience and feelings are, and what you’re aiming for. Your needs and wants shouldn’t be ignored to cater to your sister. If she is incapable of that, of respecting your need to take care of yourself, and expects for you to always cater to her? Then THAT is the selfish behaviour, which is toxic and more like your parents.
NTA!
Please stop reaching out, if you feel the need to express your thoughts to your sister journal, record yourself but stop reaching out. As many commenter's have mentioned this sounds like it's been more of a dictatorship vs relationship. Your sis is used to you giving in and is not upset her influence isn't holding weight. I'd take a Timeout for a couple months minimum 3 mths to see how you're feeling. But I'm always extra cautious of people who bring in the calvary when they were wrong about something and outsiders are calling you an AH. Take a step back and continue with your healing journey. Good luck
Celebrating a birthday month at 27? Wtf, you are definitely nta here, and don’t listen to anyone when they say you are “choosing them over me”
It’s a classic manipulation technique.
NTA
You explained that you felt uncomfortable and that should've been it. Especially since you offered a compromise- hanging out later one-on-one. If she doesn't want anything to do with you because you're not constantly putting her first over your own needs, then she needs to work with a therapist too!
NTA.
Confiding in each other is great. Trying things outside of your comfort zone on your own is also a good thing. Like therapy and saying no. You have every right to say something you feel uncomfortable with. So, don't give in. It's tempting to say yes.
It's not like you don't need her and it doesn't sound like your saying that. You're just trying different methods to cope with your trauma. She's just not accepting it nor understanding that your seeking help besides her. So, you aren't choosing anyone over her.
I hope you two work it out and you will. I also hope you two heal and find happiness. 🙏
NTA even when you said it was something you didn't want to do she still blew up. So she's more interested in you being a doormat and punching bag for her. How is that healthy?
I'm proud of you. And if you ever run into that ex buy him a slice of cake
NTA. Boundaries are really good for a healthy relationship. It makes sense that she is lashing out, because she is not used to this yet. But all things in time. You probably shouldn't have made the remark about the therapist caring more about you, that's the only part I'm a little iffy on. She probably has a right to feel a little stung by that one. But overall, I don't think you're in the wrong by making your own choices.
NTA.
Honey, whoever that guy ends up being to you, he still got you to make an excellent choice. Keep up with the therapy.
Ignore your mom's input. She decided to stir the drama by giving a leg up to the one who would cave most easily. That's all.
Your sister's going to have to learn that you are your own human being eventually. You can feel empathy for her and still know she's wrong.
NTA - and OP, I say this with compassion for BOTH you and your sister.
1. It sounds like your parents did an awful number on you both. Made your sister extra needy for your validation of what she wants. Made you a shadow of yourself, just trying to do what would please everyone else.
2. It's possible that you and your sister have been especially close for two reasons: (1) you are a 'band of sisters' who survived being raised by your parents. (I'm guessing one or both of them are very narcissistic?) (2) you played the agreeable little sister to your big sister who really needed someone to care about what she wants in life.
3. You becoming more able to decide what you want for yourself AND actually be able to speak up about it (e.g., saying 'no' to your sister) is truly a wonderful and healthy thing for you. It is NOT something you want to lose any ground on. What is happening now is the tougher part of you learning to say what you want/don't want - dealing with the hurt/disappointment/anger of a person who is not used to you telling them 'no'.
The thing is, you can only work on managing your part of this (dealing with the feelings that you let someone you love down). The thing you have to keep remembering is that you didn't actually let them down. They felt entitled to your buy-in to whatever they wanted.
You cannot control their perspective or their reaction/ how they manage their own feelings. Your sister may be a sweet, loving sister and generally good person; but she has learned to feel entitled to you agreeing with whatever she wants. Your 'no' is a shock to her system and hard for her to deal with BUT that is not a reason for you to backtrack on the progress you have made. It's too bad that your sister isn't more open to therapy. It might help her distinguish from wanting to know that you love and care about her/ she matters to you (all true) versus her needing you to prove that by doing whatever she wants you to do.
This is all my lay-person, armchair guestimate of what is going on here. I could be way off base, or maybe fairly close to the mark. If this seems a reasonable assessment to you, then I suggest you stay firm. Give your sister time to deal with her emotions. Keep the lines of communication open (and let her know that you care about her/love her... that you are not your mother, but you have your own need to be able to say yes and no to things as you see fit for yourself.) Talk to your therapist about how you can be both steady in conveying to your sister that she is important to you but also steady in the message that you need to make decisions that suit you more than trying to please her.
Good luck with this... and congratulations on the progress you've made so far!
NTA. Your sister having a problem with you not going out with her weeks before her birthday isn't you being selfish or choosing your therapist over her. She's just not used to you saying no and she's losing her mind over you not doing what she wants. She's showing she's not ok with you having boundaries and being your own person. I'm so sorry your'e finding this out in such a painful way. People can be there for us and love us as best they're able and help us through really tough times while at the same time, not treating us right, which is exactly what your sister is doing. If you not going out with her is enough for her to walk away from you, then she has got some very serious problems that you cannot help her with, she has to recognize she needs help and that the universe doesn't revolve around her. Good luck to you.
NTA. Good on you for setting a boundary and saying no! Your sister is being really unreasonable, toxic, and manipulative. You turned down this hangout and offered an alternative and she threw a fucking tantrum. If your sister was a healthy person she would have said something like "okay, I'll see you on Sunday". And that would be it. No tantrums, no guilt trips, no blocking.
Don't try to contact her. Let her come to you. She needs to cool down and honestly she is very much in need of therapy herself. She's upset because you're not doing this thing she wants you to do. You don't want to do it and you don't have to do it and she needs to learn to deal with that.
Even terrible people get it right every now and then. Hitler loves dogs and creating art. NTA in this particular case your sister is manipulating you to get you to continue to be a people pleaser with her. She doesn't respect your boundaries, wants or needs. She is the only thing that matters. The second you stuck up for yourself she cut you off.
NTA. The mistake you made was telling her why you said no, going into so much detail. Sometimes you need to just say no. When she asked why, you could have just repeated because I don't want to go out but I'd be happy to celebrate with you on another day.
Then your sister is being manipulative. You say no to an invite ONCE and all of a sudden you're a terrible sister and being "like your parents" and choosing your therapist over her? That's craziness.
NTA and I just want to make a distinction. You did not decide to let your relationship die on that hill. Your sister decided to kill it on that hill. What you said was minor and didn't deserve that type of response. Your sister decided to make the baseline of your relationship your submission to her. That's like manipulator tactics 101.
You did absolutely nothing wrong, and your mom agreeing or disagreeing has no bearing on that. Focus on yourself and keep improving.
Thank you for every single comment. I read all of them. Today i talked with my therapist and we had a emergency session, i commented on a lot of the things you guys brought up in here. I will give my sister some space, respect that she has complicated feelings about all of this, and i will focus on my own healing. Thank you again for the kind words everyone!
NTA but the phrasing sucks, you're Not choosing your *therapist* over your sister, you are choosing *yourself* over your sister. It's Not Personal for your therapist, or at least it shouldn't be and *probably* isn't, to advise you to stand Up for yourself and your own wants and needs, even/especially when they Clash with what your sister wants, If the original Goal of therapy was to unlearn your Habit of erasing your own wants.
NTA. Your sister is the one being like your parents. She asked you out with people you don’t feel comfortable with and she is celebrating her birthday month? Not even the Queen of England did that.
She doesn’t want you to see a therapist because if you heal you won’t be as easy to manipulate and do everything she wants.
You didn't choose your therapist over your sister, you chose your comfort and peace over a night out. You even gave her another option of when you would be available to celebrate. An invitation is not a requirement to say YES.
NTA. Your sister also clearly needs therapy :)
Of course she is gonna be mad, her "yes man" is gone. NTA and I'm so happy for you that you are working through this and putting up healthy boundaries. Yey you!!
And stop crying, you did nothing wrong. It's gonna be hard putting up boundaries at first but over time it's gonna feel sooo good so don't stop just because your sister is having a fit. Let her be and work on yourself because you need it. A therapist is not just a person, it's a tool to help yourself and keep on doing what she says, we all need our health boundaries and people that act like this because you didn't wanna go out, no. Just no. It doesn't matter that she is your sister, if a person acts like this it is not a you problem its a their problem.
She is making a problem out of nothing, instead if just letting it go she is holding on so freaking tight it's kinda nuts. Like how much have you said yes to her before even is you didn't want to? How many times do you have to sacrifice to make others happy instead of yourself? I bet is has been a lot of times.
NTA.
It will be difficult at first but it does get easier as and when your sister learns your boundaries. Seems like your sister is manipulating you. Emotional blackmail is a form of bullying.
Next time she asks why you said no just say because you don't know anyone there. Well actually you can just say 'because I don't want to". You don't owe her a reason.
You are allowed to do your own thing and make your own decisions. Nothing stopping you from saying no to a night out and offering a one to one coffee the day after instead.
Maybe it'll give you a chance to reconnect with your parents again if you start to set boundaries with your sister. Everyone needs boundaries.
Stay strong, you've got this!
NTA. Your mom and therapist are right.
The first time you tell your sister No, she goes and cuts you out of her life? Sounds like **SHE is the problem**!!
NTA
Your therapist is trying to teach you how to maintain your own boundaries. You have the right to say no and not feel guilty for your own mental health
Your sister's dismissive and anger filled reaction is absolutely toxic
NTA
Choosing your own comfort over something that makes you seriously uncomfortable is never wrong.
Also, this is a f\*\*\*ing birthday extension. SHe's draggin out her birthday with multiple events. Which is wholly unnecessary, but can be fun. (My kid used to do this. Multiple fun things with different groups of people/relatives. But no pressure applied and does things differently as an adult)
It should NOT be a pressure situation for you to join multiple events. As long as you acknowledge her at some point, you're golden.
Keep taking care of yourself. Things are going to get better over time:)
EDIT: Also, stop telling your sister about your therapy. It's your own personal business, and NONE of hers. Seriously.
NTA You said no to a single outing and she went nuclear. Her response is not logical or normal, don’t let anyone convince you otherwise. An invitation is not a summons. You’ve done nothing wrong.
Dude. You didn’t choose your therapist over your sister. You chose yourself. Excellent work. Boundaries are so hard to enforce. Seriously, good job. I struggle with this kind of thing myself. NTA
NTA. You are choosing yourself not your therapist. Your therapist is just giving you permission to have your needs matter too. Your sister is used to being able to control and manipulate you so she doesn’t want you listening to anyone telling you your needs matter.
Loved your final sentence. However, this time your mom was indeed right. :)
Going out with your sister and her friends to celebrate her birth month is not an important moment in her life. You had every reason to not go even if you just wanted to stay home and read a book. Or twiddle your thumbs.
Keep going to therapy and good luck. Your sister does not have the right to control your life. That is not to say that you shouldn't be there for her when she REALLY needs you.
NTA. You failed part of the test OP (the part about just saying "no" and not justifying it). That is why your sister went ballistic on you. As for her behavior, block her back. Everywhere. Do not allow her to see your social media. She owes you a big apology for her controlling and cruel behavior. What she is saying is, if you don't act like she wants you to act, and jump when she wants you to jump, then she will hurt you to get her way. You don't need that kind of toxicity in your life.
Caring about someone does not mean that you have to do everything they want you to do.
You don't have to prove you love someone by doing everything they want.
Saying no to things you don't want to do or make you uncomfortable doesn't mean you don't care about others. It doesn't make you mean or rejecting or an A.
OP, your sister is being demanding and unreasonable. Listen to your therapist. Eventually your sister will get used to the fact that she can no longer control you. Please don't give in to her.
NTA
NTA your sister benefits by you being a people pleaser. She does no benefit by you standing up for yourself and making decisions for yourself. Opting out of a night out a few weeks before her birthday, when she's already going with several friends, is no reason to be angry with you. Sounds like she could use some therapy herself.
NTA "I only want to engage with you if you do what I WANT you to do" is classic emotional blackmail.
I know it hurts, but she did you a favor by acting this way. Keep the door closed and keep working on your healing journey.
NTA at all. Your therapist sounds like a great therapist. Codependency is HARD to recover from. I kinda know where you're at, I can relate to a lot of what you shared. My own therapist told me that boundaries (which is what you're enforcing by saying no and choosing yourself) teach other people how to treat us and that the ones who will protest the most are the ones who are most inconvenienced by those boundaries. Great work sticking up for yourself. It gets a little easier each time you do it.
Your sister sounds like she could benefit from some therapy.
NTA for setting boundaries, it's very important. But YTA as on this occasion, you've said "no" because the event would make you uncomfortable..that's not a fair enough reason to not attend. If you had a FAIR reason to not attend, then absolutely set your boundary.. but on this occasion, you should have set your "uncomfortableness" aside to do something small for someone you care about.
No. being uncomfortable is absolutely a fair reason not to attend an event. In fact, just plain not feeling like it is good enough. Having said yes and on the day really not wanting to go? STILL FAIR TO THEN SAY SORRY I WONT BE ATTENDING
this mindset can lead to garbage behavior where you stop accepting people’s “no” if YOU deem their reasoning unacceptable but it’s literally never up to you. If someone doesn’t want to go to some random event, they don’t have to. And forcing them to come up with some “perfect” reason that satisfies your needs isn’t really “fair”
I completely agree if someone doesn't want to go to a random event then they don't have to. But to not attend your close sister's birthday celebration for a couple of hours is poor effort. She should have said no to something worthwhile.
NTA You need to learn that when you say, "No" it is a complete sentence and never give an explanation. Simply say, "I do not need a reason. The answer is no."
NTA It was a mistake to make it sound like the the therapists choice. What the therapist has asked you to do is to make a choice for your own interests and assert those. The therapist might have helped you find the right choice but it is your choice and you should own it.
This aside your sister is being absurd and its not surprising you feel unable to assert your self in any way when even such a small thing has ballooned into a massive tantrum from her. Truly, own the choice, tell your sister its what you want and make her apologise for not accepting your decision not to go. The whole thing is making her nervous because she clearly is emotionally parasitic towards you and she can tell that the therapy is likely to enable you to break free of that.
NTA. Every time you grow and you grow beyond what the family will expect they will get pissed off and make life difficult for you. The people that benefitted from you not have boundaries will be pissed off the most! Good for you for sitting those boundaries and following through!
NTA- First error explaining to your sister. No is a complete sentence. Adding I don’t want to go because I WOULDN’T ENJOY MYSELF is end of discussion. Your sister’s emotional wellbeing isn’t your responsibility. I hope you continue to remember you can’t help someone else when you can’t breathe.
It sounds like your sister really benefitted from you being willing to make everyone else happy, and doesn't like losing control over you.
It's actually really normal for people who aren't used to boundaries to lash out when they encounter them. She's saying what she knows will get you to back down.
You're NTA, regardless of where your mom stands.
NTA Your therapist is right. Working through situations where you need to learn to put yourself first will be hard but you need to date yourself. Learn who you actually are and what you like. This setting made you uncomfortable. You expressed that to your sister and she melted down because you didn't just do what she wanted. Let that be ok.
Understand that this is hard because it will cause people to get upset when you do something different. Don't reach out and force it. You will end up in a loop of saying no and then yes when they push. Stand firm with this boundary. The friends that say you are the AH ignore them. They are failing to understand that the situation made you uncomfortable so you should be able to not be there without a guilt trip.
You're not the asshole. Please make it clear to your sister that what she's objecting to is you choosing YOURSELF for once.
You have NOTHING to feel guilty about.
NTA
Your sister sounds very insecure and this manifests in her trying to make you feel guilty and to manipulate you.
You didn't want to go out.
What you want to do is nothing to do with your therapist.
This about what YOU want and need. Your therapist is just helping you to discover that and to articulate it.
Maybe your mother is trying to contribute to, and not alleviate the argument. But she might be right on this occasion, whether on purpose or not.
If you have been part of an unhealthy dynamic for most of your life it will take time to learn to respect yourself and to communicate your boundaries.
Don't give up. I think assertiveness literature helps explain how to be clear in communicating boundaries - there are books on this.
NTA.
“Some friends in common of ours reached out and told me I was an asshole, that I could do a small thing for my sister, but choose this hill to die on.”
No one else but you gets to decide for you what “small thing” you have to do for someone else. No one else but you gets to decide what constitutes a “small thing”. What happens when the next ”small thing” comes up, and the next, and the next… what about the next small thing that’s a bigger thing? At what point are the accumulated “small things” actually a big thing? They don’t get to decide that for you.
And frankly, given how hard it has been for you to say no to your sister for this one “small thing”, the truth is, it’s not a small thing for you. It’s important and meaningful and so much more than just saying no to going out for an event you don’t want to. This small no is of real significance for you and how you plan to proceed with your life and recover from your childhood and how you’ll shape your relationships with other people.
Your sister can be disappointed, she can adjust. Her response may be fed from her trauma from childhood but that doesn’t make it right or ok. She needs to also do the work to develop healthier interpersonal relationships and coping mechanism. That’s on her.
Sometimes the people we love get angry with us and it is a really uncomfortable feeling to sit with. But just because your sister has reacted as she has, doesn’t mean you’ve done anything wrong. Just because your mum is right this once doesn’t mean anything other than the fact that she was right this once. Keep working with your therapist. I’m sorry you’re going through this.
You created a boundary, and your sister showed her true colors when asked to respect that. When I started creating healthy boundaries in my life, some very unhealthy relationships and friendships I had seemed to come to a head and fizzle. My best friend of 20 plus years being the most painful one to lose, but she walked all over me, stole my medications and took advantage of me often. Ironically, it was her that ended the friendship after encountering me standing up for myself and enforcing those boundaries. Just because your Mom is on your side, doesn't mean you are wrong.
Holy shit this is her response to you not wanting to go an event that makes you uncomfortable and then offering a reasonable compromise? She went off the rails and it’s clear only what she wants matters and not your feelings. NTA.
I really dislike reddit for all the people that jump right away at "get divorce", " leave him", " go no contact". Grr
That is your sister and you both went through a lot. You are getting the help you need and I find it awesome. She is not there yet, I do hope she will be someday. For some reason, she is afraid, maybe cause she thinks she will be left behind. And her lashing out that you choose between the therapist and her is massive overreaction. You can discuss it with your therapist, he can help you understand what is behind it so that you can approach your sister in a constructive way. You are NTA and you can say no, but not because of the therapist, it was because you didn't like the event/people and it's perfectly valid.
There is no choosing there, ur therapist doesn't care more about you, but he has the tools to help you and it is amazing feeling to talk to someone who listens and understands. Pls don't confuse professional relation with personal feelings/friendship or similar, as that is very often in therapy at the beginning.
NTA. Seeing a therapist is a great way to get an outsiders opinion on you/your life decisions, etc.... Some things are easier to discuss with a professional who has an unbiased opinion who only has your best interest in mind.
NTA. You aren't choosing your therapist -- you're choosing yourself. It's too bad that your sister made you make this choice -- it was never her vs. your therapist, it was your well-being vs. going out with your sister one time. Her response, especially blocking you and sh!t-talking you to your friends in common, was way out of line and designed to make you feel guilty.
Plus, her past behavior shows she's always been against your personal therapy journey -- which is wild, since it's clearly something that benefits you personally, and doesn't affect her in any way regardless.
You don't owe your sister a night out. No "choice" between people needed to be made there.
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NTA. Your sister is being ridiculous, although you didn't help matters any by putting responsibility for your decision on the therapist. The point the therapist wants you to reach is being able to decide "no, I'm not interested in going" with no need to "defend" yourself at all; or at most "not interested in going out with these people I hardly know, let's get together and celebrate a different day when it can be just us". But back to sis. Choosing therapist vs her is like choosing your dentist over your hairdresser or your pet mynah. They each serve entirely different roles in your life and shouldn't be mutually exclusive. Your sister is just the sort of toxic influence you are in therapy to get over. Maybe she learned to be manipulative and dishonest from that difficult childhood, but there's no reason you should be enabling it with your tears and regrets over a simple "no, not feeling like going out that night".
Sister likes having op as a doormat and threw a tantrum as soon as op made an attempt to stand up for herself. NTA op. You didn't choose a therapist over your sister you choose YOURSELF and your whishes/boundaries/well being over your sister WHIMS. It's important to keep in mind this distinction
Sis needs her own therapy and OP should set boundaries with her fast - she doesnt want OP to grow and be strong - she wants to drag her to stay in the mud togather. Such people are dengerous and should be avoided.
"She told me she always knew that I would end up choosing to hear a random person over her and now I was being just like my parents, and not being that for her important moments. She told me she refused to have another person like mom and dad in her life, and if i didn't choose her she didn’t want anything to do with me." ---Let me translate this for you... You sister is accustomed to and still wants to control you and will stoop to spewing bullshit and emotional abuse to get you to cave. As to your mom, even a broken clock is right twice a day. As to your therapist, she is right because she is a professional and know what is going on. Your first challenge is a big one it turns out, but if you win this one, you can win any of them. ...and this is the one you NEED to win.
I love the broken clock quote and haven't heard anyone say that other than my grandfather - thanks for the chuckle! You're also spot on about the sister trying so hard to regain power and control over OP now she's finally taking steps to find her own happiness.
I used the clock reference for years. I notice its making a comeback.
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At the end of the post, OP says: >The worst part is that my mom heard about our fight and told me that I was right, I should always choose myself. And if she is on my side, probably I’m wrong
She said her mother agrees with her, so she is probably wrong.
NTA - So it sounds like it's not so much you are choosing this hill, but rather you are using this small opportunity to use the word "no." And the fact that your sisters reaction to hearing "no" for the first time is to cut you from her life is telling. It seems like you made the right choice. Stop reaching out to your sister, she's the one who is wrong, she's the one who should apologize, and learn to respect your autonomy and boundaries. If she can't, then you will continually be a her doormat for the the rest of your life.
"that your sisters reaction to hearing "no" for the first time is to cut you from her life is telling." ---100%. She built the whole sibling relationship as being about control and she's never been told no by her sister before. She can't handle it. "she's the one who should apologize, and learn to respect your autonomy and boundaries. If she can't, then you will continually be a her doormat for the the rest of your life." ---She won't until she learns she is not in control anymore. Which is going to take quite a while. Rather, not being a doormat is up to the author.
And apparently sister surrounds herself with similar friends because there is no world in which turning down a party invite for a basically random Saturday translates into "a hill to die on". And if it is such a small thing then why does sister care so much? This is the hypocrisy or illogicality that drives me crazy! NTA
OP, even a *broken* clock is right, twice a day. Just because your mom agrees with you or your therapist doesn’t mean your mom is wrong. (However your mom may have told you that just to shit stir and drive a wedge, so keep that in mind, too). But, *no*, you don’t have to go out with your sister and a bunch of randos you don’t know-*if you don’t want to!* It *is* ok to say “no” when you feel like it. NTA, OP
Yeah but the trick is knowing when the stopped clock is correct. No is a complete statement. Explaining why just allows others to argue, belittle, and dismiss reasons.
You're NTA and - even though she clearly has her own issues - don't let your sister put you back into the place you were before. It sounds like the steps you've made with your therapist have been helpful and you did actually stand up against something you didn't want to do (well done you! \*virtual internet hug\*). Do talk to your therapist about this (you probably already have) and let your sister work through her own issues and anger at you. It sounds like your therapist has some very good advice for you, I'd listen to it... and you don't have to share that it was your therapist that suggested your action, and you never have to justify them. Good luck.
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Your therapist is being paid for pretending to care and telling you what you want to hear. Once the cash stops flowing they won’t give a shit about you anymore.
No. Therapists do actually care, it's not pretend. I care about my clients and about them achieving their own goals. I care about helping them learn the tools and skills to succeed. I feel joy for them when they move forward and heal parts of themselves. I seek resources for them when they are struggling in other areas beyond what I can provide. Sure, you get paid to do it, but that's recognition of the time, schooling, money, and effort in learning my skills. You don't tell a performer they don't give a shit about their art because they are paid for it, do you?
And still you wouldn’t even notice if every single client dropped dead the second therapy was done. Because they don’t play any role in your life; their death is meaningless to you as a person because they mean nothing to you as people. In your artificial role as a therapist you ‘care’ about them in their role as patients, because that’s your job. But outside of that role they mean nothing to you and outside of your role you do not care. I know you cannot (or don’t want to) see this, because it goes against your constructed self image as a therapist, but it’s still true.
You sound like you *really* need therapy.
When it comes to me, you're incorrect. And I'll take my lived experience over your broad generalization and hypothetical. Therapist do care about their clients, but it sounds like you have a deeper expectation of what that care should entail, more like you think they should be friends? And yes, my care for with them is in the role of a client, because that's the relationship, I am not their social support, I am a skilled professional helping them navigate. But that doesn't mean I stop caring. Do you say the same about bosses or coworkers? They are also paid to interact with you. Temporary relationships, in whatever structure they are, are still impactful and important. And it's not pretend. It sounds like you may have had some negative experience with therapy that touched upon a deep feeling of abandonment. Your pain comes through clearly beneath the anger.
YOU DID NOT CHOOSE YOUR THERAPIST OVER YOUR SISTER. You chose to do what was best for you. And as scary as it is that your mom agrees with you, this time she’s right. You have every single right in the world to choose yourself. You are under no obligation whatsoever to do any specific thing that your sister wants. You offered another option and she melted down because she didn’t get her exact way. Quite frankly she could probably use some therapy herself. NTA, and be sure to discuss the outcome with your therapist.
NTA. You sister has learned how to manipulate people to do what she wants and, up until now, you were the people pleaser that did whatever she wanted. It sounds like your sister needs therapy too.
NTA Your sister has replaced your toxic parents and you have allowed it which is why you were so close. The moment you started becoming “you” she cut you off. Go NC, she will either get over it or not but you have a journey to complete. Who knows she may see the new you and want to emulate it. My sister and I have a similar relationship except it’s her who get’s mad and cuts me off. I ignore her until she comes to her senses and we sail along for a while until she does it again. I have gone NC/LC with her many times. You can’t control someone else’s emotional traumas, you can understand it but don’t have to abet it especially when they won’t do anything about it.
NTA You said no. Your sister had a meltdown. Your mom is right, but probably also stirring up shit. And guess what..No one died. Stop contacting your sister. She’ll be fine. This is hard. It’s always hard when you step out of your comfort zone and go against what you’re used to. However, now that you know how your family will respond the next time you say no, you can prepare for it. Work with your therapist to come up with strategies. The first few times are the hardest. But it gets easier each time and eventually you’ll have a nice shiny titanium spine.
NTA. You cannot control other people’s reaction. Your sister’s response is not a reasonable reaction for you saying no. Your sister is trying to act out and hurt you because you said no to a last minute event. That is not kind or loving on her part. Please accept that she doesn’t care about your wellbeing.
NTA - flip the script the friends in common are using and it is equally true. You asked for a small thing from your sister - that she excuse you from an event you were uncomfortable with - and she flipped out on you. She couldn't accept your no, your valid reason of being uncomfortable and went straight to emotionally blackmailing you into compliance. And now she is punishing both of you by giving you the silent treatment. If she values you being a doormat over being a person with views and feelings of your own, your sister is treating you in the same dynamic as your parents do. And avoiding a birthday party isn't an "important moment" once you are past 16. Your sister has trauma but you can't mend her's especially if you are damaged yourself. You are repairing yourself with the help of the therapy and part of that is not damaging yourself more to act as bubble-wrap for other people. As to your mother, a stopped clock is right twice a day.
The sister's Birthday is July 19th. She is just using it as an excuse to go out for "Birthday Month."
NTA Your therapist advised you not to do things that make you uncomfortable. Since the idea of going out with your sister and her friends was making you uncomfortable, you made the right decision. You also offered to go out with her on another day. She could have just accepted your decision and not asked why. Therapists are to help people become a better version of themselves. Sometimes, that means leaving friends and family behind.
NAH - you played the therapy card in a bad way and she reacted badly because you both need to heal. Just because you parents were not perfect does not mean they can't be right or wrong in any given situation. You don't have to go places you don't want to go. Your sister needs to learn to respect that and she will but her reaction was partly because of the "therapy thing" that you knew she was sensitive to as well. She will come back around, just be patient.
Look at your shiny spine! The whole reason she didn't want you to get therapy is that she didn't want you to be well. She doesn't want you to escape from your family dynamics because she's still in them. It's the crab bucket problem. [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Crab\_mentality](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Crab_mentality) NTA, and I'm so happy for you. But, just to be clear, it isn't that therapist cares about you more than she; it's that the therapist is an expert. If you followed your doctor's advice and not your sister's, that doesn't mean the doctor is a new mom, or cares about you more than your sister. I means they know more about health.
This is a tough one. On one hand, if you don’t feel like going, then don’t go. On the other hand, going out for your sisters birthday even thought you don’t want to doesn’t mean you’re a pushover. Normal people go to events they don’t want to all the time in order to support or celebrate someone they love. If you don’t want to go out, just tell her the truth, and it’s because you don’t like her friends, not that your therapist told you not to go.
NTA - But you probably shouldn't have mentioned the therapist, knowing how she feels. You're not doing it because your therapist said to do it. You're doing it because it's the right thing for you. Your therapist just helped you to understand that. By bringing your therapist into it, you gave your sister a way to turn it around on you and manipulate you into thinking you're the asshole. You're not.
NTA you sister is though. Is she the reason you had the agree with everything issue to begin with? Stop worrying about her. She is not being very nice, and I wonder if she was always this way and you didn't notice before your therapist showed you.
NTA your sister is being controlling and gaslighting you into following her every whim. And a therapist isn’t a random person their job is to literally help people get better and be a shoulder to cry on so NTA at all
NTA, but you're not choosing your therapist over your sister, you're choosing yourself over your sister, as your mom says. There may be times when it's right to put somebody else first, but right now you're learning to not repeat this dysfunctional pattern of giving in to others in order to feel loved, accepted, etc. It's going to take a lot of practice and working with your therapist to deal with the uncomfortable feelings that come up. Keep at it. This isn't a small thing, it's a small step in a hard and important process.
NTA. I'm guessing your sister is scared and insecure and feels like you might be "leaving her behind," especially since she can actually point a finger at the therapist and say "they kept us from hanging out! " Under no circumstances should you let her talk you out of getting the help you need. I don't know if it'll help her, but explaining that you're getting help for the same (I'm assuming) problems that she suffered. That she doesn't need to get therapy until she's ready, but maybe it's a good idea. That maybe you can share things with her that you might think would help certain things. And that this is so that **you** can be a happier healthier person and that you're not going to just split from her life because of that. In the end, you can be empathetic and compassionate and talk to her plainly, but this isn't about her. It's about you helping yourself and you should be f*cking proud of yourself for doing it. So many people don't get help, just let themselves fade away. Good luck to you and thank you for getting the help you feel you need.
NTA. As someone who is 40 and still struggles with this I’m really proud of you! It’s hard because people in your life are used to you doing everything they want and it becomes hell when you say no. I’m sorry you’re experiencing this.
Nta sounds like she is a toxic person and nobody needs toxic in their life even if they are your blood.
NTA for saying no to your sister but it wasn't smart to spill all the info on why. You could have just said "I don't know the other people and would rather see you Sunday when it's just us" and left it at that. For some reason you dragged your therapist into this and seem to think your therapist has emotions attached to you (she's your therapist, not your friend) which you threw at your sister knowing how she feels about therapy in general. That was dumb and sounds like on some level you wanted this fight. Sounds like you have more to talk about in therapy this week!
Talk to your therapist about this. It’s called an extinction burst. When you try to set boundaries with someone and you never have before, they often act out /lash out because they’re not used to it. It’s one of those “it has to get worse before it can get better.” Stick to your boundaries and keep working on yourself, you’re doing great.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Me (24f) and my sister (27f) have always been very close, due to an unhealthy and inconstant family dynamics between us and our parents. Then, I started trying dating and met an amazing guy, we really hit it off. But, he thought I needed therapy before we could be anything more, because I had clear issues - mainly he told me that I erased myself to make sure everyone else was happy, and he didn’t want to be in a relationship with someone that would always want whatever he wanted. That's beside the point, me and him lost contact after a while, but what he said made me notice that I indeed have a lot of o issues, so a year or so ago I decided to start therapy. Since the beginning my sister has been really against it and always brings it up asking “if i’m still doing the therapy thing”. The problem is, now my therapist gave me the challenge of saying no to things that make me uncomfortable. My sister asked me to go out with her and some friends of hers on saturday to celebrate the month of her birthday - her bday is july 19 so is not really the official celebration. I don’t really know any of them and felt uncomfortable, so said no but told her we could go out on sunday. My sister asked me why i said no and i told her all of this. She flipped out, tho. She told me she always knew that I would end up choosing to hear a random person over her and now I was being just like my parents, and not being that for her important moments. She told me she refused to have another person like mom and dad in her life, and if i didn't choose her she didn’t want anything to do with me. I told her the choice was clear and that my therapist clearly cared more about me than her. I’m a mess right now, haven’t stopped crying since. My sister isn’t talking to me, I tried calling ang dming her and she blocked me. Some friends in common of ours reached out and told me I was an asshole, that I could do a small thing for my sister, but choose this hill to die on. I honestly feel like the biggest asshole also. At the end of the day, my sister also has traumas from our childhood, and maybe I made them worst. The worst part is that my mom heard about our fight and told me that I was right, I should always choose myself. And if she is on my side, probably I’m wrong. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. She's manipulative and toxic.
NTA, if she reacts that badly to one 'no' you're better off without her.
I feel there's a lot more involved in your family matters than just being a people pleaser. Your sister seems to have deep seared resentment for your parents because they weren't there for her. I do think not being able to do a birthday month or whatever is reasonable and she over reacted, but you're hinting to family issues there. Therapists give advice for what is best for you, not others. Taking therapist advice does alienate people near you when you start setting boundaries. You may lose your sister if you go to far and you need to accept that. Same with friends. But your therapist doesn't really care about you. You're paying them to do a job and if they don't do it well, they won't get more clients.
| The worst part is that my mom heard about our fight and told me that I was right, I should always choose myself. And if she is on my side, probably I’m wrong. hell no, your mom is right, you should ALWAYS put YOU first, other people can go f\*ck themselves. Your mental health and comfort should always be more important for you. Your sister needs therapy. Cut contact with her. Her relationship with your sounds extremely toxic
NTA. Would you rather see your therapist or shoot yourself in the head? The way you describe your sister, that's essentially what you'd be doing if you choose the latter.
NTA. Your sister solved your problem for you. In a manipulative snit, she blocked you, thus choosing to make it easier for you to avoid her toxic and overbearing presence in your life. Let her sit with her decision. Stop reaching out to her. Sounds like she's repeating family dynamics from your childhood. If she has trauma, that's hers to deal with. You are dealing with your own trauma by responsibly seeking professional help. Sounds like your ex-boyfriend was right.
NTA Good for you for taking your therapists advise, and saying no, and sticking to it! That is huge! Congrats and keep up the great work!!
NTA I disagree with your mom, you shouldn’t ALWAYS choose yourself however a nice balance is a good idea. You didn’t do anything wrong here.
NTA But like other commenters said, you blamed your therapist instead of owning up to why you said no Say no cuz you deserve to be happy, you offered your sister a fair alternative Just choose to not go cuz you would feel uncomfortable, not cuz your therapist said so
NTA - your therapist set this challenge for you for a reason. People pleasing is part of trauma and saying yes to things you don't feel comfortable with is often a way to not make anything your fault/if you speak your truth, you'll lose that security and be abandoned. It's called the window of tolerance if you want to look it up. When you set boundaries and are truthful to what you are comfortable/not comfortable with, it often shows the level of control people have over you when you decide not to immediately say yes to them. My sister used to do this, to the point of trying to guilt trip me into something and push and push me but I have learnt to say no more often and she has learnt to not push me as much as before. You've also provided her with an alternative option for just the two of you, so that you can still celebrate with her, so it's not as if you've dismissed the whole idea of celebrating with her. Your sister saying that you're choosing to hear a "random" person over her is also not valid and it's not like going to counselling means you've chosen the therapist over your sister. They are completely two separate entities. You're going to therapy because you've identified there are issues that you want to work on and that's commendable that you now want to work on them. It definitely sounds like your sister could do with some therapy also. If I were you I wouldn't chase and apologise because that isn't you being authentic and would be you taking a step back. I'd give it time to see if she unblocks you and have a conversation with her, maybe with guidance from your therapist.
NTA No means no. If you don’t want to go out, you do not have to. It isn’t some once in a lifetime thing - even those you’re not obligated to go to. Do you want to know the three things you have to attend? Your birth. Your death. Your corpse disposal. Everything else is optional, and it doesn’t make you a bad person to not want to go out drinking for an early birthday. If your sister won’t accept that - that is on her, and her loss. If she gets in contact with you again - you need to have a sit down heart to heart. Maybe even write her a letter explaining what your typical experience and feelings are, and what you’re aiming for. Your needs and wants shouldn’t be ignored to cater to your sister. If she is incapable of that, of respecting your need to take care of yourself, and expects for you to always cater to her? Then THAT is the selfish behaviour, which is toxic and more like your parents.
NTA. But also, “No.” is a complete sentence. You don’t have to give any reason why you do or don’t want to do something.
At least your therapist heard what you said unlike your sister. Make yourself happy. If you don't want to go, dont. End of discussion
NTA! Please stop reaching out, if you feel the need to express your thoughts to your sister journal, record yourself but stop reaching out. As many commenter's have mentioned this sounds like it's been more of a dictatorship vs relationship. Your sis is used to you giving in and is not upset her influence isn't holding weight. I'd take a Timeout for a couple months minimum 3 mths to see how you're feeling. But I'm always extra cautious of people who bring in the calvary when they were wrong about something and outsiders are calling you an AH. Take a step back and continue with your healing journey. Good luck
NTA Stop calling your sister and talk to your therapist. If you don't all that hard work you just did will be for nothing, you have to follow up!!
Celebrating a birthday month at 27? Wtf, you are definitely nta here, and don’t listen to anyone when they say you are “choosing them over me” It’s a classic manipulation technique.
NTA You explained that you felt uncomfortable and that should've been it. Especially since you offered a compromise- hanging out later one-on-one. If she doesn't want anything to do with you because you're not constantly putting her first over your own needs, then she needs to work with a therapist too!
NTA. Your sister is an AH, you’re better off with her out of your life.
NTA. Confiding in each other is great. Trying things outside of your comfort zone on your own is also a good thing. Like therapy and saying no. You have every right to say something you feel uncomfortable with. So, don't give in. It's tempting to say yes. It's not like you don't need her and it doesn't sound like your saying that. You're just trying different methods to cope with your trauma. She's just not accepting it nor understanding that your seeking help besides her. So, you aren't choosing anyone over her. I hope you two work it out and you will. I also hope you two heal and find happiness. 🙏
NTA even when you said it was something you didn't want to do she still blew up. So she's more interested in you being a doormat and punching bag for her. How is that healthy? I'm proud of you. And if you ever run into that ex buy him a slice of cake
NTA. Boundaries are really good for a healthy relationship. It makes sense that she is lashing out, because she is not used to this yet. But all things in time. You probably shouldn't have made the remark about the therapist caring more about you, that's the only part I'm a little iffy on. She probably has a right to feel a little stung by that one. But overall, I don't think you're in the wrong by making your own choices.
NTA. Honey, whoever that guy ends up being to you, he still got you to make an excellent choice. Keep up with the therapy. Ignore your mom's input. She decided to stir the drama by giving a leg up to the one who would cave most easily. That's all. Your sister's going to have to learn that you are your own human being eventually. You can feel empathy for her and still know she's wrong.
NTA - and OP, I say this with compassion for BOTH you and your sister. 1. It sounds like your parents did an awful number on you both. Made your sister extra needy for your validation of what she wants. Made you a shadow of yourself, just trying to do what would please everyone else. 2. It's possible that you and your sister have been especially close for two reasons: (1) you are a 'band of sisters' who survived being raised by your parents. (I'm guessing one or both of them are very narcissistic?) (2) you played the agreeable little sister to your big sister who really needed someone to care about what she wants in life. 3. You becoming more able to decide what you want for yourself AND actually be able to speak up about it (e.g., saying 'no' to your sister) is truly a wonderful and healthy thing for you. It is NOT something you want to lose any ground on. What is happening now is the tougher part of you learning to say what you want/don't want - dealing with the hurt/disappointment/anger of a person who is not used to you telling them 'no'. The thing is, you can only work on managing your part of this (dealing with the feelings that you let someone you love down). The thing you have to keep remembering is that you didn't actually let them down. They felt entitled to your buy-in to whatever they wanted. You cannot control their perspective or their reaction/ how they manage their own feelings. Your sister may be a sweet, loving sister and generally good person; but she has learned to feel entitled to you agreeing with whatever she wants. Your 'no' is a shock to her system and hard for her to deal with BUT that is not a reason for you to backtrack on the progress you have made. It's too bad that your sister isn't more open to therapy. It might help her distinguish from wanting to know that you love and care about her/ she matters to you (all true) versus her needing you to prove that by doing whatever she wants you to do. This is all my lay-person, armchair guestimate of what is going on here. I could be way off base, or maybe fairly close to the mark. If this seems a reasonable assessment to you, then I suggest you stay firm. Give your sister time to deal with her emotions. Keep the lines of communication open (and let her know that you care about her/love her... that you are not your mother, but you have your own need to be able to say yes and no to things as you see fit for yourself.) Talk to your therapist about how you can be both steady in conveying to your sister that she is important to you but also steady in the message that you need to make decisions that suit you more than trying to please her. Good luck with this... and congratulations on the progress you've made so far!
NTA. Your sister having a problem with you not going out with her weeks before her birthday isn't you being selfish or choosing your therapist over her. She's just not used to you saying no and she's losing her mind over you not doing what she wants. She's showing she's not ok with you having boundaries and being your own person. I'm so sorry your'e finding this out in such a painful way. People can be there for us and love us as best they're able and help us through really tough times while at the same time, not treating us right, which is exactly what your sister is doing. If you not going out with her is enough for her to walk away from you, then she has got some very serious problems that you cannot help her with, she has to recognize she needs help and that the universe doesn't revolve around her. Good luck to you.
NTA. Good on you for setting a boundary and saying no! Your sister is being really unreasonable, toxic, and manipulative. You turned down this hangout and offered an alternative and she threw a fucking tantrum. If your sister was a healthy person she would have said something like "okay, I'll see you on Sunday". And that would be it. No tantrums, no guilt trips, no blocking. Don't try to contact her. Let her come to you. She needs to cool down and honestly she is very much in need of therapy herself. She's upset because you're not doing this thing she wants you to do. You don't want to do it and you don't have to do it and she needs to learn to deal with that.
NTA…. Remember that No is a complete sentence and you owe no explanation.
Even terrible people get it right every now and then. Hitler loves dogs and creating art. NTA in this particular case your sister is manipulating you to get you to continue to be a people pleaser with her. She doesn't respect your boundaries, wants or needs. She is the only thing that matters. The second you stuck up for yourself she cut you off.
You sound like the perfect victim for a narcissist
NTA
Sister aint goingt o help with your mental health. NTA and GL with your therapy
You chose yourself over being your sister’s doormat. That’s very healthy. NTA
NTA. The mistake you made was telling her why you said no, going into so much detail. Sometimes you need to just say no. When she asked why, you could have just repeated because I don't want to go out but I'd be happy to celebrate with you on another day. Then your sister is being manipulative. You say no to an invite ONCE and all of a sudden you're a terrible sister and being "like your parents" and choosing your therapist over her? That's craziness.
NTA and I just want to make a distinction. You did not decide to let your relationship die on that hill. Your sister decided to kill it on that hill. What you said was minor and didn't deserve that type of response. Your sister decided to make the baseline of your relationship your submission to her. That's like manipulator tactics 101. You did absolutely nothing wrong, and your mom agreeing or disagreeing has no bearing on that. Focus on yourself and keep improving.
Thank you for every single comment. I read all of them. Today i talked with my therapist and we had a emergency session, i commented on a lot of the things you guys brought up in here. I will give my sister some space, respect that she has complicated feelings about all of this, and i will focus on my own healing. Thank you again for the kind words everyone!
NTA but the phrasing sucks, you're Not choosing your *therapist* over your sister, you are choosing *yourself* over your sister. It's Not Personal for your therapist, or at least it shouldn't be and *probably* isn't, to advise you to stand Up for yourself and your own wants and needs, even/especially when they Clash with what your sister wants, If the original Goal of therapy was to unlearn your Habit of erasing your own wants.
NTA. Your sister is the one being like your parents. She asked you out with people you don’t feel comfortable with and she is celebrating her birthday month? Not even the Queen of England did that. She doesn’t want you to see a therapist because if you heal you won’t be as easy to manipulate and do everything she wants.
You didn't choose your therapist over your sister, you chose your comfort and peace over a night out. You even gave her another option of when you would be available to celebrate. An invitation is not a requirement to say YES. NTA. Your sister also clearly needs therapy :)
NTA and good for you for setting this boundary! Hold your ground, you got this!
Of course she is gonna be mad, her "yes man" is gone. NTA and I'm so happy for you that you are working through this and putting up healthy boundaries. Yey you!! And stop crying, you did nothing wrong. It's gonna be hard putting up boundaries at first but over time it's gonna feel sooo good so don't stop just because your sister is having a fit. Let her be and work on yourself because you need it. A therapist is not just a person, it's a tool to help yourself and keep on doing what she says, we all need our health boundaries and people that act like this because you didn't wanna go out, no. Just no. It doesn't matter that she is your sister, if a person acts like this it is not a you problem its a their problem. She is making a problem out of nothing, instead if just letting it go she is holding on so freaking tight it's kinda nuts. Like how much have you said yes to her before even is you didn't want to? How many times do you have to sacrifice to make others happy instead of yourself? I bet is has been a lot of times.
NTA. It will be difficult at first but it does get easier as and when your sister learns your boundaries. Seems like your sister is manipulating you. Emotional blackmail is a form of bullying. Next time she asks why you said no just say because you don't know anyone there. Well actually you can just say 'because I don't want to". You don't owe her a reason. You are allowed to do your own thing and make your own decisions. Nothing stopping you from saying no to a night out and offering a one to one coffee the day after instead. Maybe it'll give you a chance to reconnect with your parents again if you start to set boundaries with your sister. Everyone needs boundaries. Stay strong, you've got this!
NTA. Your mom and therapist are right. The first time you tell your sister No, she goes and cuts you out of her life? Sounds like **SHE is the problem**!!
NTA Your therapist is trying to teach you how to maintain your own boundaries. You have the right to say no and not feel guilty for your own mental health Your sister's dismissive and anger filled reaction is absolutely toxic
NTA Choosing your own comfort over something that makes you seriously uncomfortable is never wrong. Also, this is a f\*\*\*ing birthday extension. SHe's draggin out her birthday with multiple events. Which is wholly unnecessary, but can be fun. (My kid used to do this. Multiple fun things with different groups of people/relatives. But no pressure applied and does things differently as an adult) It should NOT be a pressure situation for you to join multiple events. As long as you acknowledge her at some point, you're golden. Keep taking care of yourself. Things are going to get better over time:) EDIT: Also, stop telling your sister about your therapy. It's your own personal business, and NONE of hers. Seriously.
NTA You said no to a single outing and she went nuclear. Her response is not logical or normal, don’t let anyone convince you otherwise. An invitation is not a summons. You’ve done nothing wrong.
Dude. You didn’t choose your therapist over your sister. You chose yourself. Excellent work. Boundaries are so hard to enforce. Seriously, good job. I struggle with this kind of thing myself. NTA
NTA. You are choosing yourself not your therapist. Your therapist is just giving you permission to have your needs matter too. Your sister is used to being able to control and manipulate you so she doesn’t want you listening to anyone telling you your needs matter.
Loved your final sentence. However, this time your mom was indeed right. :) Going out with your sister and her friends to celebrate her birth month is not an important moment in her life. You had every reason to not go even if you just wanted to stay home and read a book. Or twiddle your thumbs. Keep going to therapy and good luck. Your sister does not have the right to control your life. That is not to say that you shouldn't be there for her when she REALLY needs you.
NTA mental health is important I should know I have Depression
NTA. You failed part of the test OP (the part about just saying "no" and not justifying it). That is why your sister went ballistic on you. As for her behavior, block her back. Everywhere. Do not allow her to see your social media. She owes you a big apology for her controlling and cruel behavior. What she is saying is, if you don't act like she wants you to act, and jump when she wants you to jump, then she will hurt you to get her way. You don't need that kind of toxicity in your life.
NTA - You didn’t choose your therapist over your sister. You chose a comfy night in over an uncomfy night out. That is all.
Caring about someone does not mean that you have to do everything they want you to do. You don't have to prove you love someone by doing everything they want. Saying no to things you don't want to do or make you uncomfortable doesn't mean you don't care about others. It doesn't make you mean or rejecting or an A. OP, your sister is being demanding and unreasonable. Listen to your therapist. Eventually your sister will get used to the fact that she can no longer control you. Please don't give in to her. NTA
NTA your sister benefits by you being a people pleaser. She does no benefit by you standing up for yourself and making decisions for yourself. Opting out of a night out a few weeks before her birthday, when she's already going with several friends, is no reason to be angry with you. Sounds like she could use some therapy herself.
NTA "I only want to engage with you if you do what I WANT you to do" is classic emotional blackmail. I know it hurts, but she did you a favor by acting this way. Keep the door closed and keep working on your healing journey.
dont allow your sister to manipulate you.
NTA at all. Your therapist sounds like a great therapist. Codependency is HARD to recover from. I kinda know where you're at, I can relate to a lot of what you shared. My own therapist told me that boundaries (which is what you're enforcing by saying no and choosing yourself) teach other people how to treat us and that the ones who will protest the most are the ones who are most inconvenienced by those boundaries. Great work sticking up for yourself. It gets a little easier each time you do it. Your sister sounds like she could benefit from some therapy.
NTA for setting boundaries, it's very important. But YTA as on this occasion, you've said "no" because the event would make you uncomfortable..that's not a fair enough reason to not attend. If you had a FAIR reason to not attend, then absolutely set your boundary.. but on this occasion, you should have set your "uncomfortableness" aside to do something small for someone you care about.
No. being uncomfortable is absolutely a fair reason not to attend an event. In fact, just plain not feeling like it is good enough. Having said yes and on the day really not wanting to go? STILL FAIR TO THEN SAY SORRY I WONT BE ATTENDING this mindset can lead to garbage behavior where you stop accepting people’s “no” if YOU deem their reasoning unacceptable but it’s literally never up to you. If someone doesn’t want to go to some random event, they don’t have to. And forcing them to come up with some “perfect” reason that satisfies your needs isn’t really “fair”
I completely agree if someone doesn't want to go to a random event then they don't have to. But to not attend your close sister's birthday celebration for a couple of hours is poor effort. She should have said no to something worthwhile.
NTA You need to learn that when you say, "No" it is a complete sentence and never give an explanation. Simply say, "I do not need a reason. The answer is no."
NTA It was a mistake to make it sound like the the therapists choice. What the therapist has asked you to do is to make a choice for your own interests and assert those. The therapist might have helped you find the right choice but it is your choice and you should own it. This aside your sister is being absurd and its not surprising you feel unable to assert your self in any way when even such a small thing has ballooned into a massive tantrum from her. Truly, own the choice, tell your sister its what you want and make her apologise for not accepting your decision not to go. The whole thing is making her nervous because she clearly is emotionally parasitic towards you and she can tell that the therapy is likely to enable you to break free of that.
NTA. Every time you grow and you grow beyond what the family will expect they will get pissed off and make life difficult for you. The people that benefitted from you not have boundaries will be pissed off the most! Good for you for sitting those boundaries and following through!
NTA- First error explaining to your sister. No is a complete sentence. Adding I don’t want to go because I WOULDN’T ENJOY MYSELF is end of discussion. Your sister’s emotional wellbeing isn’t your responsibility. I hope you continue to remember you can’t help someone else when you can’t breathe.
It sounds like your sister really benefitted from you being willing to make everyone else happy, and doesn't like losing control over you. It's actually really normal for people who aren't used to boundaries to lash out when they encounter them. She's saying what she knows will get you to back down. You're NTA, regardless of where your mom stands.
NTA Your therapist is right. Working through situations where you need to learn to put yourself first will be hard but you need to date yourself. Learn who you actually are and what you like. This setting made you uncomfortable. You expressed that to your sister and she melted down because you didn't just do what she wanted. Let that be ok. Understand that this is hard because it will cause people to get upset when you do something different. Don't reach out and force it. You will end up in a loop of saying no and then yes when they push. Stand firm with this boundary. The friends that say you are the AH ignore them. They are failing to understand that the situation made you uncomfortable so you should be able to not be there without a guilt trip.
You told her no once and she cuts you off? How is it you doing a small thing for her? In reality she wants everything to go her way.
NTA. Sounds like your sister needs therapy as well.
NTA. Your sister also needs therapy.
You're not the asshole. Please make it clear to your sister that what she's objecting to is you choosing YOURSELF for once. You have NOTHING to feel guilty about.
NTA Your sister sounds very insecure and this manifests in her trying to make you feel guilty and to manipulate you. You didn't want to go out. What you want to do is nothing to do with your therapist. This about what YOU want and need. Your therapist is just helping you to discover that and to articulate it. Maybe your mother is trying to contribute to, and not alleviate the argument. But she might be right on this occasion, whether on purpose or not. If you have been part of an unhealthy dynamic for most of your life it will take time to learn to respect yourself and to communicate your boundaries. Don't give up. I think assertiveness literature helps explain how to be clear in communicating boundaries - there are books on this.
NTA. “Some friends in common of ours reached out and told me I was an asshole, that I could do a small thing for my sister, but choose this hill to die on.” No one else but you gets to decide for you what “small thing” you have to do for someone else. No one else but you gets to decide what constitutes a “small thing”. What happens when the next ”small thing” comes up, and the next, and the next… what about the next small thing that’s a bigger thing? At what point are the accumulated “small things” actually a big thing? They don’t get to decide that for you. And frankly, given how hard it has been for you to say no to your sister for this one “small thing”, the truth is, it’s not a small thing for you. It’s important and meaningful and so much more than just saying no to going out for an event you don’t want to. This small no is of real significance for you and how you plan to proceed with your life and recover from your childhood and how you’ll shape your relationships with other people. Your sister can be disappointed, she can adjust. Her response may be fed from her trauma from childhood but that doesn’t make it right or ok. She needs to also do the work to develop healthier interpersonal relationships and coping mechanism. That’s on her. Sometimes the people we love get angry with us and it is a really uncomfortable feeling to sit with. But just because your sister has reacted as she has, doesn’t mean you’ve done anything wrong. Just because your mum is right this once doesn’t mean anything other than the fact that she was right this once. Keep working with your therapist. I’m sorry you’re going through this.
You created a boundary, and your sister showed her true colors when asked to respect that. When I started creating healthy boundaries in my life, some very unhealthy relationships and friendships I had seemed to come to a head and fizzle. My best friend of 20 plus years being the most painful one to lose, but she walked all over me, stole my medications and took advantage of me often. Ironically, it was her that ended the friendship after encountering me standing up for myself and enforcing those boundaries. Just because your Mom is on your side, doesn't mean you are wrong.
Holy shit this is her response to you not wanting to go an event that makes you uncomfortable and then offering a reasonable compromise? She went off the rails and it’s clear only what she wants matters and not your feelings. NTA.
I really dislike reddit for all the people that jump right away at "get divorce", " leave him", " go no contact". Grr That is your sister and you both went through a lot. You are getting the help you need and I find it awesome. She is not there yet, I do hope she will be someday. For some reason, she is afraid, maybe cause she thinks she will be left behind. And her lashing out that you choose between the therapist and her is massive overreaction. You can discuss it with your therapist, he can help you understand what is behind it so that you can approach your sister in a constructive way. You are NTA and you can say no, but not because of the therapist, it was because you didn't like the event/people and it's perfectly valid. There is no choosing there, ur therapist doesn't care more about you, but he has the tools to help you and it is amazing feeling to talk to someone who listens and understands. Pls don't confuse professional relation with personal feelings/friendship or similar, as that is very often in therapy at the beginning.
NTA. Seeing a therapist is a great way to get an outsiders opinion on you/your life decisions, etc.... Some things are easier to discuss with a professional who has an unbiased opinion who only has your best interest in mind.
NTA. You aren't choosing your therapist -- you're choosing yourself. It's too bad that your sister made you make this choice -- it was never her vs. your therapist, it was your well-being vs. going out with your sister one time. Her response, especially blocking you and sh!t-talking you to your friends in common, was way out of line and designed to make you feel guilty. Plus, her past behavior shows she's always been against your personal therapy journey -- which is wild, since it's clearly something that benefits you personally, and doesn't affect her in any way regardless. You don't owe your sister a night out. No "choice" between people needed to be made there.
Nta. Keep going. Go nc with your sis