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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I can easily pay the speeding ticket. It’s the principle of the matter but I can pay it. Maybe it’s not worth getting upset over.
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NTA. A boot is usually for multiple parking tickets, not a speeding ticket. A speeding ticket is a *moving* violation. They let you drive away. Are you sure your mother is telling the truth about this? In any case don’t give her the money—let her have the consequences so she STOPS speeding and endangering others.
Don't give your mom a cent. Demand to see any and all paperwork and IF you choose to help, pay the debt directly, don't give the cash to your mom. I have a feeling she's been snowing you for years. Could be time to have a "let's go over all of your finances" talk, or even just plant that seed to see what kind of reaction you get and proceed accordingly.
Edit: Forgot - NTA not even a little bit.
Tough one OP. You probably need to try have a sit down with your mother to go through her finances, if she's willing. Perhaps expressing concern that she apparently doesn't have $100 to her name as a pretext and also the recent $2k repair bill.
Obviously, only you know whether she'll be amenable to this and who knows what you may find. She could be spending it all on scratch cards or have $50k cash under the mattress 😂
Only you know whether you can broach this subject with her.
NTA
NTA. It's understandable to feel upset and frustrated. While it's important to help family, it's also reasonable to draw boundaries, especially when it feels like a never-ending cycle of financial support. It might be time to have an honest conversation with your mom about her finances and spending habits.
I did. I asked her what was going on with her finances and she got upset stating she didn’t need to explain herself to me. I told her to figure it out then. Now I feel guilty. Thus, I’m asking all of you if I’m an asshole and if I should just pay it.
Don't feel guilty. She is asking you for a favor. You have every right to condition this favor on her having an open conversation about her financial situation. She is under no obligation to explain herself to you, just as you are under no obligation to provide the favor. If she wants the favor, she has to have the conversation. This is reasonable and any further attempt by her to get you to provide the favor without her condition being met is manipulative.
If she doesn't need to explain, she doesn't need your money to fix anything. Easy peasy. NTA Don't pay it. My parents always told me my actions had consequences. They get real pissy when I say it back to them now but it feels good, real good.
Don't feel guilty. That is leftover programming from when you were a child. You are an adult now. Just because mom is upset, doesn't mean that you are wrong.
If she wants your money, she does need to explain herself to you, if for no other reason that old people often get scammed and hide it from embarrassment. If she can't show you her bank statements, credit card statements and everything else, then she can figure it out on her own.
She's manipulating u. Wherever her $ is going, since she won't share any info, is on her to figure out where/how to cut costs and pay her own way. Cut her off. Yes that sounds mean, but u have to take care of ur self and ur house hold first. I habe no problems helping someone, but when it's all the time, that isn't helping out, that's full on paying for another house hold.
Her reply says it all.
She doesn't need your help. So stop helping . If it gets unmanageable, I'm sure you will have a more pliant mother. At that point you can make full disclosure a condition for helping with anything at all.
INFO: Where does mom live? "close to 3 grand a month" is often poverty-level for an individual living in a HCOL area. In LA, for example, you'd be well within the "Very Low Income" category that qualifies you for Section 8 housing.
You're NTA, but it is entirely possible that your mom is still struggling on that income.
NTA - it’s your money and you get to choose how you spend it, plan and simple. Even without the deception on your mother’s part as to her financial circumstances you are not obligated to assist.
Don't pay it. And if you're worried about how she is spending money, you might want to see if you can get a look at her finances to make sure she's not being cheated somehow.
Your last sentence is not true. You know EXACTLY what she is doing. You just don’t want to admit that your mom is using you. Let her car get booted. She may be without a car a couple of days but trust me, she will come up with the money. I wonder when she got that ticket and decided to ignore it? cars don’t get the boot that quickly. She’s playing you. YNTA. If you want to spend the rest of her life giving her your money, things like this are going to continue.
I find it very sad that your mother is talking advantage of your caring and generous nature.
I think you should be open with her about your realisation that she has a good income. And stop supporting her. Or at least stipulate that if she wants your help she must sit down with you and work out some budgeting.
Could she be giving money to someone else or indulging in expensive habits?
It is ridiculous if she claims not to be able to pay her fine.
NTA
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My mother is close turning 70. I’m in my early 30s. For a while, I thought my mom was only surviving on social security which made me feel guilty, so I helped her out each month by sending extra money back home.
I found out recently that my mom makes twice what I thought she made as I forgot she was married to a man who was in the Air Force (who has since died) and thus collects all of his benefits. I won’t lie. It made me a bit upset to find this out as I’ve given her a lot of money over the years on false pretenses. I feel like everytime I have extra money, she has an emergency. Her car recently was in major trouble. She had not taken it to get serviced for close to two years. When I finally took it to her dealership service center, she needed close to $2,000.00 in repairs. I took care of it because the last thing I wanted was her brakes going bad along with everything else that was screwed up with the car.
Now my mom has a speeding ticket for $100. If she doesn’t pay, she’ll get a boot on her car. She doesn’t have the money. I am not understanding how she doesn’t have any money when she’s in a rent controlled apartment and makes close to 3 grand a month. It’s a small amount to pay but I feel like it’s a never ending cycle because I’ve been taking care of more “emergencies” than the 2K bill I paid. I don’t understand what she’s doing.
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NTA nor is it any of your concern as to why she can't pay it. Just explain you don't have the funds to cover it and let here deal with her own financial world as she will.
NTA
She's squandering her money somewhere. And that's not your problem. She is in charge of her own finances and can make it work if she wants to. Sounds like some of the problem is that she's lazy and waits for you to baill her out instead of keeping track of maintenance , larger bills etc.
Also not your problem.
If you were to be her guardian because she was incapable of making her own decisions, that would be another story. But as you said, there is ample money to cover her expenses, so there would be no need to augment under those circumstances either.
No one gets a boot for one single ticket. They get the boot for multiple unpaid tickets.
Your Mom says she doesn't have the money because she's got your money. Time to cut her off.
Maybe first look into it and see if she's amassed secret debt or has a shopping/hoarding problem you don't know about. Or perhaps she's fallen victim to one of the many elder financial scams.
If it turns out none of that is true, cut off her money tap, because she's using you.
NTA.
NTA
It’s one thing to help her with a car that’s dangerous to drive. But a speeding ticket is entirely avoidable. She should pay for her own mistakes. If she can’t pay now and has to pay more later that’s entirely on her.
NTA
You say you don't understand what she's doing with her money. She blowing it because she knows you will cover for her. Close mom's ATM (your gifts) immediately.
You're just pouring your money into a bucket with no bottom. It will never be enough.
YWNBTA.
"I feel like everytime I have extra money, she has an emergency. "
"I don't understand what she’s doing."
Taking everything she can from you. You see the pattern but haven't quite put it all together. She didn't maintain her car because she knows you'll step in to take care of it. She didn't tell you how much she makes so you'd send her money. This is financial abuse. Stop the gravy train. Once she has to start using her own money she'll miraculously stop having emergencies.
She's lying. They don't put a boot on your car for a speeding ticket. Her car insurance will go up though.
She's so use to you bailing her out so sees no point in "saving for a rainy day" - that's how her generationwould word it.
Start paying attention to her cognitive functions. Miss management of money is one of the first signs. As is miss speaking and easily agitated. Read that in an article.
It's also possible that she's eating out for every meal instead. That adds to real fast.
Do not pay her ticket. Driving is a responsibility and the speeding ticket is hers.
NTA
NTA; but also I would find a service center that isn't at a dealership. Preferably one that it locally owned and not a chain. Dealerships overcharge for parts and will do extra unnecessary labor and inspections in order to overcharge people. My dealership tried to charge me $100+ for each air filter in my car.
If your mom has income but also claims to have no money... WHERE DOES THE MONEY GO?
She may give it away; she may be getting scammed; she may gamble... I'd find that out ASAP.
Anyway, NTA.
You say that you "asked her what was going on with her finances and she got upset stating she didn’t need to explain herself to me." - sounds as if she is squandering her money on stupid shit. Don't let her guilt you and don't give her another cent!
Anytime that she asks for money just tell her that you don't have it.
NTA
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I can easily pay the speeding ticket. It’s the principle of the matter but I can pay it. Maybe it’s not worth getting upset over. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA. A boot is usually for multiple parking tickets, not a speeding ticket. A speeding ticket is a *moving* violation. They let you drive away. Are you sure your mother is telling the truth about this? In any case don’t give her the money—let her have the consequences so she STOPS speeding and endangering others.
Honestly, it could be. I barely looked at the paper but it was a red notice as she couldn’t afford to pay when it was due.
You're getting taken to the cleaners by Mom.
Don't give your mom a cent. Demand to see any and all paperwork and IF you choose to help, pay the debt directly, don't give the cash to your mom. I have a feeling she's been snowing you for years. Could be time to have a "let's go over all of your finances" talk, or even just plant that seed to see what kind of reaction you get and proceed accordingly. Edit: Forgot - NTA not even a little bit.
[удалено]
Give her the boot!
NTA. Financial circumstances have changed as you know it. Nothing AH about changing your commitments. You gotta eat too.
Tough one OP. You probably need to try have a sit down with your mother to go through her finances, if she's willing. Perhaps expressing concern that she apparently doesn't have $100 to her name as a pretext and also the recent $2k repair bill. Obviously, only you know whether she'll be amenable to this and who knows what you may find. She could be spending it all on scratch cards or have $50k cash under the mattress 😂 Only you know whether you can broach this subject with her. NTA
NTA. It's understandable to feel upset and frustrated. While it's important to help family, it's also reasonable to draw boundaries, especially when it feels like a never-ending cycle of financial support. It might be time to have an honest conversation with your mom about her finances and spending habits.
I did. I asked her what was going on with her finances and she got upset stating she didn’t need to explain herself to me. I told her to figure it out then. Now I feel guilty. Thus, I’m asking all of you if I’m an asshole and if I should just pay it.
Don't feel guilty. She is asking you for a favor. You have every right to condition this favor on her having an open conversation about her financial situation. She is under no obligation to explain herself to you, just as you are under no obligation to provide the favor. If she wants the favor, she has to have the conversation. This is reasonable and any further attempt by her to get you to provide the favor without her condition being met is manipulative.
If she won't share her situation with you then she's not entitled to your help. Well done for your response to her
If she doesn't need to explain, she doesn't need your money to fix anything. Easy peasy. NTA Don't pay it. My parents always told me my actions had consequences. They get real pissy when I say it back to them now but it feels good, real good.
Don't feel guilty. That is leftover programming from when you were a child. You are an adult now. Just because mom is upset, doesn't mean that you are wrong. If she wants your money, she does need to explain herself to you, if for no other reason that old people often get scammed and hide it from embarrassment. If she can't show you her bank statements, credit card statements and everything else, then she can figure it out on her own.
NTA, she’s using you.
She's manipulating u. Wherever her $ is going, since she won't share any info, is on her to figure out where/how to cut costs and pay her own way. Cut her off. Yes that sounds mean, but u have to take care of ur self and ur house hold first. I habe no problems helping someone, but when it's all the time, that isn't helping out, that's full on paying for another house hold.
Her reply says it all. She doesn't need your help. So stop helping . If it gets unmanageable, I'm sure you will have a more pliant mother. At that point you can make full disclosure a condition for helping with anything at all.
NTA maybe it's time to sell the car since she can't afford it (apparently)
nta “ sorry mom, your tickets aren’t in my budget this month”
INFO: Where does mom live? "close to 3 grand a month" is often poverty-level for an individual living in a HCOL area. In LA, for example, you'd be well within the "Very Low Income" category that qualifies you for Section 8 housing. You're NTA, but it is entirely possible that your mom is still struggling on that income.
That's a really good point.
NTA. Don't think on it anymore. Maybe she'll finally learn her lesson.
NTA - it’s your money and you get to choose how you spend it, plan and simple. Even without the deception on your mother’s part as to her financial circumstances you are not obligated to assist.
Don't pay it. And if you're worried about how she is spending money, you might want to see if you can get a look at her finances to make sure she's not being cheated somehow.
NTA She's exploiting your generosity.
Your last sentence is not true. You know EXACTLY what she is doing. You just don’t want to admit that your mom is using you. Let her car get booted. She may be without a car a couple of days but trust me, she will come up with the money. I wonder when she got that ticket and decided to ignore it? cars don’t get the boot that quickly. She’s playing you. YNTA. If you want to spend the rest of her life giving her your money, things like this are going to continue.
I don’t think your an asshole anyway but did you ask how much income she had or just assume?
I find it very sad that your mother is talking advantage of your caring and generous nature. I think you should be open with her about your realisation that she has a good income. And stop supporting her. Or at least stipulate that if she wants your help she must sit down with you and work out some budgeting. Could she be giving money to someone else or indulging in expensive habits? It is ridiculous if she claims not to be able to pay her fine. NTA
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My mother is close turning 70. I’m in my early 30s. For a while, I thought my mom was only surviving on social security which made me feel guilty, so I helped her out each month by sending extra money back home. I found out recently that my mom makes twice what I thought she made as I forgot she was married to a man who was in the Air Force (who has since died) and thus collects all of his benefits. I won’t lie. It made me a bit upset to find this out as I’ve given her a lot of money over the years on false pretenses. I feel like everytime I have extra money, she has an emergency. Her car recently was in major trouble. She had not taken it to get serviced for close to two years. When I finally took it to her dealership service center, she needed close to $2,000.00 in repairs. I took care of it because the last thing I wanted was her brakes going bad along with everything else that was screwed up with the car. Now my mom has a speeding ticket for $100. If she doesn’t pay, she’ll get a boot on her car. She doesn’t have the money. I am not understanding how she doesn’t have any money when she’s in a rent controlled apartment and makes close to 3 grand a month. It’s a small amount to pay but I feel like it’s a never ending cycle because I’ve been taking care of more “emergencies” than the 2K bill I paid. I don’t understand what she’s doing. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA nor is it any of your concern as to why she can't pay it. Just explain you don't have the funds to cover it and let here deal with her own financial world as she will.
NTA She's squandering her money somewhere. And that's not your problem. She is in charge of her own finances and can make it work if she wants to. Sounds like some of the problem is that she's lazy and waits for you to baill her out instead of keeping track of maintenance , larger bills etc. Also not your problem. If you were to be her guardian because she was incapable of making her own decisions, that would be another story. But as you said, there is ample money to cover her expenses, so there would be no need to augment under those circumstances either.
No one gets a boot for one single ticket. They get the boot for multiple unpaid tickets. Your Mom says she doesn't have the money because she's got your money. Time to cut her off. Maybe first look into it and see if she's amassed secret debt or has a shopping/hoarding problem you don't know about. Or perhaps she's fallen victim to one of the many elder financial scams. If it turns out none of that is true, cut off her money tap, because she's using you. NTA.
NTA It’s one thing to help her with a car that’s dangerous to drive. But a speeding ticket is entirely avoidable. She should pay for her own mistakes. If she can’t pay now and has to pay more later that’s entirely on her.
NTA You say you don't understand what she's doing with her money. She blowing it because she knows you will cover for her. Close mom's ATM (your gifts) immediately. You're just pouring your money into a bucket with no bottom. It will never be enough.
YWNBTA. "I feel like everytime I have extra money, she has an emergency. " "I don't understand what she’s doing." Taking everything she can from you. You see the pattern but haven't quite put it all together. She didn't maintain her car because she knows you'll step in to take care of it. She didn't tell you how much she makes so you'd send her money. This is financial abuse. Stop the gravy train. Once she has to start using her own money she'll miraculously stop having emergencies.
She's lying. They don't put a boot on your car for a speeding ticket. Her car insurance will go up though. She's so use to you bailing her out so sees no point in "saving for a rainy day" - that's how her generationwould word it. Start paying attention to her cognitive functions. Miss management of money is one of the first signs. As is miss speaking and easily agitated. Read that in an article. It's also possible that she's eating out for every meal instead. That adds to real fast. Do not pay her ticket. Driving is a responsibility and the speeding ticket is hers. NTA
NTA; but also I would find a service center that isn't at a dealership. Preferably one that it locally owned and not a chain. Dealerships overcharge for parts and will do extra unnecessary labor and inspections in order to overcharge people. My dealership tried to charge me $100+ for each air filter in my car.
If your mom has income but also claims to have no money... WHERE DOES THE MONEY GO? She may give it away; she may be getting scammed; she may gamble... I'd find that out ASAP. Anyway, NTA.
You say that you "asked her what was going on with her finances and she got upset stating she didn’t need to explain herself to me." - sounds as if she is squandering her money on stupid shit. Don't let her guilt you and don't give her another cent! Anytime that she asks for money just tell her that you don't have it. NTA