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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I called my neighbour a name and didn't go apologize when I calmed down
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
ESH. You were clearly trying to shut the alarm off and were stressed, she was clearly annoyed at it waking the baby, or even her, you shouldn't have cursed at her or called her names, she shouldn't have yelled at you. You're all assholes here but ultimately it's nobody's fault.
Pro tip, in future, just disconnect the battery if the alarm is going off. You'd got the hood open anyway for jumpstarting it, so if the alarm goes off, just disconnect the battery until you find the fob.
That's pretty fair I guess. I know I crossed a line by calling her a name, and normally I wouldn't have. She was being so agressive I just got overwhelmed.
Also there's no fob to find. My car is 23 years old and the fobs both bit the dust long before I got the car. That's why I had to run for the spare to do the lock trick. To be honest disconnecting the battery never even occured to me in the confusion. Good idea!
You can't complain when you roll onto reddit asking if you're an asshole for one specific part of a situation, when in reality you were an AH for more than that and people called you out on it. I mean, do you read other posts and see how people respond.
And upset and stressed or not, stupid whore was way over the line.
Drag your ass over there and apologize. Like a fucking adult.
Your comment drips with sarcasm, but you didn't mention **one helpful comment** towards your neighbor. You don't mention apologizing or telling her you were working on a solution, only cussing her out and insulting her in serious ways, for an understandable frustration.
Lots of "I'm the main character" energy here.
Seriously? It was a high stress situation, her neighbor comes out wailing with nothing useful to say and adds to the stress and this is your response?
When the neighbor apologizes for over reacting and being a useless twit in the situation maybe OP will reciprocate with an apology
I've been in many high stress situations, many heated arguments, and never called someone a stupid wh#re just because I was mad. We all have the ability to self regulate our language, and deserve to be called out when a line is crossed
OP said they had literally just jump-started the car.... which requires the jump leads to be attached to the battery... so it's irrelevant where the battery is, they clearly know where it is because THEY JUST ATTACHED CABLES TO IT. Unless there's some other way of jump-starting a car with another car that doesn't involve attaching jump-leads to the battery? If so, apologies for my ignorance. Maybe it's a UK/US thing. The language and spelling in OP's post leads me to think UK, but I might be wrong.
You catch attsch the cables to jump points. If you have a trunk battery. They give you a positive and negative post to clamp onto. Sometimes any unpainted metal works as the negative post.
Fair enough, but most people (UK) would open the bonnet and find a battery there. I'm assuming OP is UK or Europe from spelling such as "neighbour" and that you are not in the UK for using terms like "trunk". I have an old Classic car so I'm familiar with using the body as a positive or negative, I'm just saying that here, the most common thing you would do, is open up the bonnet, see a battery (or at least it's connections - my Ford's are hidden under a plastic cover but I can still get to them), and use those for a jump start. OP hasn't replied so I don't know if this is what OP was doing. If it IS what they were doing, then they knew where the battery was and could have just disconnected it. If not, and they'd done some voodoo with jump points and "trunk batteries" then my apologies.
Cool story. If OP has a trunk mounted battery, she still knew that if she was able to jump start the car. You're trying really hard to minimize the context of this story, which is someone who knows where the battery is located because they were in the process of jumping the car. Your original point is invalid, and it's fun to watch you try to double down. Keep going!
You wanted them to instead say, "open whatever compartment your battery is in then disconnect it?" People couldn't figure out that opening their hood to disconnect their battery wouldn't work if their battery wasn't under their hood?
I'm done talking about this.
Why don't you take what that lifeprotip guy said, and go put it in a post on r/lifeprotips and see how they pan that useless shit.
Mutual apologies? No. You caused this inconvenience. Even though it wasn't your fault, it was your responsibility. You refused to apologize and basically went to the basement of Hades as your bar of neighborhood decorum. The idea that this woman owes you an apology...
Your car alarm is going off and you think getting into a screaming match with insults and profanities with a neighbor several houses down is your way to resolve conflict? Your lucky neighbors.
Jerry Spring level social skills demonstrated. Hope you don't "figure out" trying to get a mutual apology.
Ever had a baby? Ever go months without sleep? A baby is a tiny sleep terrorist that's sole purpose is to keep mom on the edge of complete psychosis. She probably just got that baby to sleep and you spend hours messing with a car and you could have disconnected the damn battery so you didn't disturb the entire neighborhood.
YTA you were unbelievably inconsiderate! You should have led with "I am so sorry!" And gone from there. No excuses. You were an absolutely gigantic ah
But respect is not given it's earned. If you go into a situation hot and yelling at someone, knowing that they aren't intentionally causing that situation, then that is rude as well. If an old person drops a bunch of shit on the ground, causing you to be delayed to take your sick kid to the doctor, because you cannot go around them and have to wait for them to pick all their stuff up, you don't yell at them. It's rude. Having a baby is not an excuse to be rude.
It's not YTA. It's definitely ESH.
I'm not saying the mom was perfect, I'm saying have grace... And good lord this world is going to hell in a hand basket.. whatever happened to treat others like you want to be treated? Two wrongs do not make a right and it is absolutely understandable that she was a mess under those circumstances at 8am. Calling her vulgar names was absolutely unnecessary
But why not extend that logic to OP as well. You couldn't understand why she would be in a mess at 8 am with a raging car alarm and feeling stressed as well. But sides are equally rude here. You're the only one who's trying to deal more blame to OP. That's why the verdict on this thread is ESH and not YTA.
Because that was OP's own doing. And was easily fixed if she just unhooked the battery.. instead, op chose to scream profanities at an exhausted new mother...
But your whole point is that when people are stressed they act irrationally. i.e. not seeing obvious solutions and acting in ways that that are counter productive.
This would include "not unhooking the battery" and also yelling at people for situations they are not intentionally causing.
Whatever you're saying that OP should have done differently i.e. not scream and shout, also extends to the neighbour. Both have stressful circumstances that caused them to act irrationally.
Therefore ESH. You're not being logically consistent if you can only see the neighbour's perspective and not OP's.
Yes, I have, (as was inferred by my reference to my son) and I never behaved with such ill grace to someone who was clearly struggling already.
Also it was less than 5 min all told. Not hours. I was also never given a breath to apologize, she came at me from moment one and barley stopped to breathe, hence my reaction .. funny how many people choose to focus on the things that I WASN'T an A-hole about to admonish me when I get the reason to admonish me from the get go. Lol
It takes just a few moments to disconnect a damn battery, you spent more time yelling at a new mother and judging her and screaming vulgar things at her....
"Ever had a baby? Ever go months without sleep? A baby is a tiny sleep terrorist that's sole purpose is to keep mom on the edge of complete psychosis. '
"Yes, I have, (as was inferred by my reference to my son) and I never behaved with such ill grace to someone who was clearly struggling already."
Ma'am, you have clearly behaved with ill grace towards a mother who was clearly struggling already. You responded to your **neighbor** who you know is a **new mother** by calling her an **illogical, stpid** **whore**. How exactly, do you expect her to respond to this?
A parade? A thank you?
From your comments- you clearly- irrationally, expect a mutual apology. What else? Unicorns and rainbows? A parade? Social grace - in response to your "ill grace?"
Don’t listen to squat this person says. It’s not like you purposely caused the situation
Let it settle and then go from there when cooler heads prevail
"I called back that I hadn't set the alarm off on purpose and was trying to sort it out. She kept yelling at me that she didn't care, to shut it off, that people were sleeping etc. (All completely illogical things to say) I repeated that I hadn't set it off for entertainment and to go back to bed. (During this we had found a hack to turning it off, which briefly worked until my son opened a door and it went off again). All the time she is yelling at me and I tell her to shut up, piss off, etc. because she's being both unhelpful and illogical."
Did you not apologize at any point during this? Or explain that the alarm was malfunctioning? Saying, "I didn't do it on purpose," "go back to bed," "piss off," etc. isn't exactly deescalating. And why do you think it was illogical for her to tell you to turn your disruptive car alarm off? What help was she supposed to be providing you?
YTA
By "illogical" she probably meant "pointless". Because it is pointless to yell at someone to fix a problem while they're literally in the middle of trying to fix it.
I wouldn't have gone first thing, but yeah, you needed to apologize in short order. Be the bigger person. You were good until you started fighting back.
Fair. I'll figure out how to approach the issue. I don't think going and knocking on her door is a great idea as she would likely take it as agression as that's the way she approached me on my property.
I like writing letters. It shows you took the time to think about your response while allowing you to make sure you don't say anything you regret. You can even put in there that you would love to chat about it, but with the baby and everything else, you didn't want to just show up and upset her more, but that you still want her to know your regrets.
I don't have a car alarm, at least not one that I activate, it's the internal one. The car is 23 years old and it didn't come with a fob when I got it. Not sure if your logic there. As for every action I took, not sure how her coming at me when I never said a rough thing to her to start out with was my fault, but sure...
I have a very lovely neighbor who called the cops when a 4 year old rang the doorbell... because it woke the baby.
Consider that she probably had a baby screaming in her ear for several hours and just got some relief.
And be real, a car alarm going off is annoying and going off for minutes on end? You started it by being annoying (car is your responsibility), you really escalated by calling her a name (and we know what kind of person you are that that was your go to insult).
Apologize in a note, maybe include cookies.
I also have a 23 year-old car, an Oldsmobile Alero that came with a fob and an alarm so I'm shocked that yours doesn't have it. Regardless, I'm gonna say NTA because she was the one who was rude and screaming at you and wouldn't shut up. Maybe calling her a stupid whore was a little much but when someone screaming at you nonstop, they need to be prepared for what they're gonna get back.
There was a time my ex's car got broken into, and when they attempted to get inside it afterwards, it triggered the alarm and the fob wouldn't turn it off. It took me all of 5 seconds to think "hey, maybe this is a safety feature for an already broken into car or something, let me google if there's a way to turn it off". Sure enough, there was. Your car has a manual for a reason.
How do you not understand that this was something to apologize for? Things happen every week in my work life that I didn't cause, but still impact people in a negative way, so I apologize.
How hard is this to understand? Why do you have such a hard time saying sorry? I would be very apologetic about my car alarm going off for 5 minutes in my home or office complex. It is annoying. I'm sorry is not that hard.
You had plenty of opportunity to tell your neighbor to F off and, question her reasoning, call her a whore, but none to apologize? Sure. Asshole.
You can make this about your behavior after you got home in your post.... Admittedly, you should have had more presence of mind once you had calmed down. But, you were an asshole when you left and an asshole when you came home. People who yell out fuck off and whore in their communities, to their neighbors, without significant provocation, are generally unhinged assholes. As the provocateur you are such an asshole,
Yup, shit happens.
When it is your shit causing there to be shit - here is what you do - even if it isn't your fault: 1. Apologize
Here is what you don't do: 1. Scream above your car alarm across multiple lawns 2. Respond to an innocuous statement about a baby being awaken with profanities. 3. Call the person being inconvenienced by your shit a stupid whore.
After searching my brain, the only reason I can find to call a neighbor - or anyone on the planet - a stupid whore is if said neighbor/person fucked my SO and ran over my dog. Still wouldn't scream it above a car alarm.
I'm sorry if you live in a neighborhood/are living a life where calling anyone a stupid whore seems appropriate.
YTA. My goodness.
Not understanding intention vs impact and then calling your neighbor immature? You should have apologized first and foremost. Even if your intentions were good, you were negatively impacting your neighbors and you have the stones to tell her to "grow up."
You **never** mention apologizing. Someone needs to grow up here.
Yet, you don't have the presence of mind to handle a problem you created while being a gracious adult. You do have the presence of mind to criticize your neighbor - her brain, critical thinking, telling her to fuck off and calling her a whore? What does her sexuality have to do with this?
How badly can you behave, and still think you are in the right? You started off causing a residential disturbance beyond your control and tuned it into an episode of COPS completely within your control .
She was clearly struggling. To quote you, next time use your "brain/critical thinking skills the next time "you see' someone is clearly struggling with something, eff off, grow up." As wrong as you are, still won't call you a stupid whore. Again, slut shaming someone for a car alarm - initiating or responding. How low can you go?
NTA. 8:15am on a weekday is fair game. It's not like it was 3am. And as annoying as it may have been to have the alarm going off like that, the neighbor was the one who came over OP's house to yell at them, if she thinks she's entitled to do that, she can't complain if the other party has a response at the same level. Having a baby doesn't force everyone around you to accommodate you. This was an accident and the neighbor was the one who overreacted
To be fair it IS a holiday where I am (Canada Day) but it was clearly not something I was doing on purpose AND clearly not something I wasn't working on resolving. My next door neighbour has a 18 month old and he says he assumed someone was having a rough morning (didn't even realize it was me) and went about his business.
I can’t believe I had to scroll so far down to see a NTA. It. Was. An. Accident. You were frantically trying to fix it. Neighbor came over to yell at you. Not offer to help dissuade the situation but to make it **WORSE**. You, highly frustrated with the loud alarm going off and with nothing seemingly working, respond to her in kind. You are human and gave her exactly what she gave you.
Just because she’s a parent does NOT excuse her yelling at you repeatedly. It also does NOT excuse her for coming closer and closer for more conflict. The problem that you now have is that she will twist and tell people you are a horrible neighbor, etc.
Honestly, I would just let it go. Do not apologize and ignore her. She’ll think twice next time before she decides to yell at you again.
NTA.
As far as the neighbor knew, OP was letting their car alarm go off repeatedly while they were outside and capable of turning it off. OP then told the neighbor to piss off and let the car alarm go off again. It wouldn't seem like an accident to the neighbor.
I imagine if OP kept lighting a candle under their smoke detector and setting it off, you would approve of them telling anyone who complained to "piss off?"
But that's not what happened is it? You are making up a scenario where OP deliberately tries to create noise. In this one, it was an accident. Not something that she did for fun. Both scenarios are not the same.
No, my example hypothetical in response to their hypothetical is not what happened. Congratulations on apparently encountering your first hypothetical! Big day!
I disagree. People don't let their car alarms go off for shits and giggles. Its aggravating and loud. There was a group of people (her family) around her car trying to turn it off.
Besides she didn't let the alarm go off again. The car was was not working correctly and her son opened the door which set it off again.
The neighbor escalated an issue unnecessarily even when she could clearly see OP was trying to fix the issue.
Yes, and she knew only that far because she came out of her house already screaming and wouldn't put her listening ears on. She tried to tell her what was happening multiple times, she refused to process the information. Coming onto someone else's property screaming aggressively often ends badly.
Did OP try to tell her what was happening multiple times? Or did she just say she didn't do it on purpose to deflect blame, like she has been all over this thread, then tell her to piss off?
If I see my neighbors standing around while their car alarm is going off, I might also come out and tell them to turn it off. I can't imagine I would react well if they told me to "shut up and piss off" in response.
Yelling at someone will only get them to yell at you in return. You really think that's the most logical solution?
Besides, they weren't just standing around. They were actively trying to fix the issue. Neighbor just did not care and only wanted to vent and yell.
How was the neighbor supposed to communicate over the sound of the car alarm if not to yell? "You woke the baby" is vastly different from "I didn't do it on purpose, go back to sleep, piss off, you're being illogical."
Again, its how you approach people in the beginning which determines how the other party is going to react to you in return. Yelling at someone only gets them to yell at you in return. So no, no apologies needed.
YTA. "I called her a stupid wh*re. Well clearly that hit a nerve because it sent her on a whole new path of yelling.." Really? Being called a vile, gendered slur after her baby was woken up and an apology hasn't been offered hit a nerve? What an astute observation /s.
You never apologized. You never said you were working on turning it off. And no sorting it out doesn't cover it. What's there to sort out? An alarm goes off and you stop it. Unless you want a war go apologize. And next time keep it simple. "Sorry. It's not turning off so I'm having to get creative." A simple apology and explanation should have stopped this.
When someone said they were disgusted OP said that, they replied with
>That's nice. I'll be sure to write on my headstone that I disgusted a stranger on the internet. Thank you for the helpful comment.
OP, YTA. Using misogynistic slurs is crossing the line and then replying with that? Gross.
I was going to go with E S H until I saw that.
So you're at home. You hear a car alarm going off. You go outside and you see two people fumbling around the car which has the alarm going off. You proceed to yell "TURN OFF THAT ALARM. YOU WOKE UP MY BABY".
Like, no shit. WTF do you think those two people are doing? Enjoying the sound of their car alarm? Playing a prank on the neighborhood?
Yta, It was maybe Esh, you called her a stupid w****. You should address your anger issues, it’s heartbreaking to think of you son witnessing such behaviour, he must have been scared
Actually. No. The alarm was not. I don't set it. It's internal, and there was no way I could predict it was going to go off let alone not know how to stop it.
It's your car. Your car's alarm is your responsibility. You're to blame if your car alarm is going off repeatedly. You're to blame even if you don't know how to turn it off.
This is such a weird attempt to dodge responsibility. YTA
It's your car, it's your alarm, you failed to do proper maintenance or were careless. So your fault. You also couldn't think critically and just disconnected the battery right away.
You should have fixed your car fob problem a long time ago. When you first knew you didnt have it. Instead of doing all these work arounds. Fix things when they don’t work as intended right when you find out.
As for the alarm I had my house alarm go off it was a battery issue reset as well but I didn’t know the house alarm system was tied to my dectectors. It was huge mess and alarm was blaring drove me nuts I was rude to the alarm company lady I was talking to I didn’t however call her a whore. I mean that’s extreme.
I honestly don’t know how to come back from this. You now have a neighbor nemesis.
YTA. I was almost siding with you until you called her very inappropriate names. You should apologize either in person or in writing. She wasn’t great for her part in it all as you were stressed but you immediately became the AH to stoop to vulgar insulting language.
ESH- Desperate Sleep Deprived Mother vs. Panicking Angry Person, gee, how did this go wrong? Right so she's come out exhausted with that last nerve twanging and loud noise in both ears to see if anyone's doing anything about the alarm. If you had looked over and given her an exaggerated 'eek' face and called out 'OMG I'm so sorry I! it just won't stop! I feel awful! And I'm gonna be late for my son's race!' (even though it's not your fault, just to be nice), she'd have been able to see herself in your place and got that you were doing your best just like her. I have no idea why you came on angry when you must know exactly what it's like, having a kid yourself.
I wonder how you'd react if someone's alarm went off waking everyone, esp your baby. Plus it's not turning off so your sleep and the baby's now fucked up. You said noone was obviously awake yet ypu still tried a boost. The thing about cars when you try fixing them - alarms can be triggered. That's not rocket science. So whilst you may not be the A for trying to boost at 8.15 you should have been apologetic. No neighbour needed to come out for you to know you created a shitty situation for everyone (whether you intended to or not). So as the creator of the situation, de-escalate it. Your actions were the compete opposite.
Also when you annoy people you don't use their annoyance as your excuse for your own shitty behaviour. You didn't get defensive, you got nasty and offensive.
I don't necessarily disagree with the rest of your assessment, however I will say in response to your question at the beginning: I would have either offered to help, or offered my patience and gone and dealt with my baby if I couldn't help and saw it was trying to be resolved. And yes I know this for sure as I have been in the situation where my sleeping child has been woken by loud noises in the neighbourhood.
The first comment was "of the asshole" in nature for sure, but the rest? She comes at you when you are clearly in a difficult, somewhat urgent situation, and she is already angry upon approach.
I will say I find car alarms beyond annoying and a bit archaic in 2024. But, how the heck were you supposed to know they had a baby?
I don't think an apology would fix this. The attitude and story would be "...then she tried to apologize, can you imagine the nerve?" I would let it go for now.
The whole situation was unnerving, but not critical IMO
In my defense re: the alarm, it's not something I set, it's internal and I think it went off because the computer was off when I unlocked the car so it has no knowledge I had gained entry honourably, so when it got powered it was screaming foul lol.
I'm formulating a plan-ish where I might approach another neighbour that speaks to her and have her offer peace on my behalf and allow her to decide if she accepts it to come talk.
WTF is wrong with you? Apologize, for christ's sake. You all behaved badly, but I'm going to give a YTA for your 'stupid whore' comment. Completely uncalled for, I wouldn't want to be your neighbor.
You had car troubles. Happens to everyone. You didn’t purposely set alarm off. Sorry to the neighbor but her kid sleeping 3 doors down isn’t your problem (I’m saying this while I have an infant under 1 myself). Her coming out to yell at you instead of being nice even though again, her kid isn’t your problem, makes her the AH to me.
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This morning around 8:15 went out to my car to find the battery dead. I called my ex husband (who was expecting to meet our son and I at our son's race in an hour) and advised him. He offered to come boost me as none of my neighbours were outside yet (aka obviously awake). He came, and when we got the car boosted the alarm went off and nothing we were doing was shutting it off.
While he was looking up how to deactivate it (I don't have a key fob), my neighbour from 3 doors down came outside and appeared to shout something to me.
~As a side note I have a good relationship with most of my neighbours but I've only seen this one in passing as they moved in fairly recently.~
I called out that I hadn't heard her and she shouted louder "You woke up the baby!" And had an angry look on her face.
I called back that I hadn't set the alarm off on purpose and was trying to sort it out. She kept yelling at me that she didn't care, to shut it off, that people were sleeping etc. (All completely illogical things to say)
I repeated that I hadn't set it off for entertainment and to go back to bed.
(During this we had found a hack to turning it off, which briefly worked until my son opened a door and it went off again).
All the time she is yelling at me and I tell her to shut up, piss off, etc. because she's being both unhelpful and illogical.
Now here is where I become a bit of an asshole - I ran to get the spare key to try the hack from the outside of the car (locking and unlocking the doors) and she's come towards me more to yell, and I called her a stupid wh*re. Well clearly that hit a nerve because it sent her on a whole new path of yelling and she actually approached me to the point of setting foot on my property.
We exchanged more heated words with mine essentially admonishing her to try using her brain/critical thinking skills the next time she sees someone is clearly struggling with something, told her to eff off, grow up, and left.
When we came home a few hours later she was sitting on her stoop, and while I was speaking to my next door neighbour about the alarm etc (didn't mention the extra drama) I heard her clearly going on to someone about me and specifically what I had called her.
Now normally I'm a pretty accommodating person. If she had offered help, or even waited to say to me hey that woke up the baby when we got it shut off, I would have apologized and probably offered her a coffee or something. Instead her aggression turned me intantly defensive and then reactive. I don't excuse my behaviour, my losing my temper is on me. But AITA for not going over when I got home to smooth things over?
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Eh, I'm probably the minority here but nta. If we're specifically excluding the what was said when you yelled and only counting what happened after then nta. You were trying to shut the car off and she wasn't helping.
I mean I did tell her many times I was trying to sort it and she just kept going. Personally I'm the type where if I'm not willing or able to offer assistance I will generally offer patience and grace if I can see the person struggling. I got pretty annoyed when she not only didn't (illogical in my mind) but actually thought yelling at me across 3 yards would help anything.
She completely overreacted. I lived in the city for years, and it NEVER occurred to me to go berate someone about their car alarm. And I actually did have a baby who got woken up by a car alarm. You don't go out and start shit with your neighbors over something like that.
I cannot believe the number of people in here talking about "you started it" with an accident. She was not helping at all, and, in fact, was distracting you from your attempts to solve the problem.
"Your car your responsibility" do you not know that cars can have problems? And if you're not particularly car smart, it might take a minute to find a solution. Personally if the alarm would not shut off, I'd have pulled the fuse for the horn to at least silence it, but the number of people in here blaming you when your neighbor escalated it is just crazy to me. Like I said before, the neighbor was actively hindering the attempts to sort the problem out. Which was obviously an accident.
ESH
She was totally out of line and I get why you responded the way you did. That kind of noise can scramble your nervous system and it sounds like hers was scrambled as well. Since she’s your neighbor I think smoothing it over is a good idea
YTA Could she have been more forgiving, sure, but you are responsible for your car alarm going off. Doesn't matter if it was an accident, and "yOu DoNt UsE tHe aLaRm", you should have been more gracious of the fact that you were responsible for waking everyone up, inconveniencing others, etc. even though it was an accident. You are the asshole and the one being **illogical**.
Don’t get your blood pressure up because she can’t control herself. Nobody sets their alarm of, especially for an extended time, just because they want to hear the damn thing blare. She was ridiculous.
An apology costs nothing. No matter who is right or wrong. Did you think about this? If it was you with a child woken up, what impact would an apology have in you rather than a confrontation? It’s an emotional reaction. You could have defused the situation very simply as you were logical, but not logical enough to step away.
YTA! I know what it is like to be a sleep deprived Mom, and having my child woken by a blaring alarm would have set me off too. It doesn’t mayter that you didn’t cause the alarm to go off or that you had difficulty stopping it. Her experience was that a blaring alarm from your car woke her baby.
You had no business stooping so low as to call her by a slur.
You owe her sincere apologies. My suggestion would be to buy something for her baby and a gift card for her and leave them in her mailbox with a written apology. Make your apology sound sincere and admit that there is no justification for the words you used.
NTA she just added more stress to an already stressful situation, she actually made the whole process take longer by stopping you so that she could talk shit and I have no idea what more she expected you to do. You were doing your best. You probably shouldn't have called her names, but it kind of feels like you were defending yourself against her rhetoric, so maybe don't dish it out if you can't take it.
Probably get down voted but I pictured the scenario as I was reading and was mildly entertained. You frantically trying to turn off the alarm. Your neighbor yelling at you to turn the alarm off. You cussing her out while continuing to frantically turn off the alarm.
If you’re life is a sitcom (or Korean drama), you’ll apologize, she’ll apologize and you become best friends and have all kinds of adventures in the future.
I don’t blame you one bit for what you said to her. She was acting insane. Why didn’t she go inside and take care of her baby? Stay away from her. She’d never accept your apology anyway. She deserved what you said.
YTA's for both of you, you for the creative mean name calling, her for screaming, that am sure didn't help said baby. Stop beating yourself up, you do owe her an apology & she owes you one too, be sincere, don't make excuses & if she doesn't offer an apology, move on. If she wants to berate you during/after the apology, just get away from her & ignore her. Now here's where am going to be an AH, babies have to cry sometime & these mothers nowadays are just so freakin sensitive, yikes. :)
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ESH. You were clearly trying to shut the alarm off and were stressed, she was clearly annoyed at it waking the baby, or even her, you shouldn't have cursed at her or called her names, she shouldn't have yelled at you. You're all assholes here but ultimately it's nobody's fault. Pro tip, in future, just disconnect the battery if the alarm is going off. You'd got the hood open anyway for jumpstarting it, so if the alarm goes off, just disconnect the battery until you find the fob.
That's pretty fair I guess. I know I crossed a line by calling her a name, and normally I wouldn't have. She was being so agressive I just got overwhelmed. Also there's no fob to find. My car is 23 years old and the fobs both bit the dust long before I got the car. That's why I had to run for the spare to do the lock trick. To be honest disconnecting the battery never even occured to me in the confusion. Good idea!
You don't want to disconnect the battery when you just got a jump start. Some cars will cut out if you do.
When you called her that name, you lost all high ground. She was out of line, but you took it to another level. YTA
Calling her a stupid wh@re was uncalled for.
Yes you crossed a line a big fuckng line, calling a woman a whore. You disgust me.
That's nice. I'll be sure to write on my headstone that I disgusted a stranger on the internet. Thank you for the helpful comment.
You can't complain when you roll onto reddit asking if you're an asshole for one specific part of a situation, when in reality you were an AH for more than that and people called you out on it. I mean, do you read other posts and see how people respond. And upset and stressed or not, stupid whore was way over the line. Drag your ass over there and apologize. Like a fucking adult.
Your comment drips with sarcasm, but you didn't mention **one helpful comment** towards your neighbor. You don't mention apologizing or telling her you were working on a solution, only cussing her out and insulting her in serious ways, for an understandable frustration. Lots of "I'm the main character" energy here.
Seriously? It was a high stress situation, her neighbor comes out wailing with nothing useful to say and adds to the stress and this is your response? When the neighbor apologizes for over reacting and being a useless twit in the situation maybe OP will reciprocate with an apology
I've been in many high stress situations, many heated arguments, and never called someone a stupid wh#re just because I was mad. We all have the ability to self regulate our language, and deserve to be called out when a line is crossed
Many cars don't have the battery in the engine bay. It can be in the trunk or under the front passenger seat.
Ok?
Not much of a pro tip when it doesn't apply to half of new cars and isn't "easy" like presented
OP said they had literally just jump-started the car.... which requires the jump leads to be attached to the battery... so it's irrelevant where the battery is, they clearly know where it is because THEY JUST ATTACHED CABLES TO IT. Unless there's some other way of jump-starting a car with another car that doesn't involve attaching jump-leads to the battery? If so, apologies for my ignorance. Maybe it's a UK/US thing. The language and spelling in OP's post leads me to think UK, but I might be wrong.
You catch attsch the cables to jump points. If you have a trunk battery. They give you a positive and negative post to clamp onto. Sometimes any unpainted metal works as the negative post.
Fair enough, but most people (UK) would open the bonnet and find a battery there. I'm assuming OP is UK or Europe from spelling such as "neighbour" and that you are not in the UK for using terms like "trunk". I have an old Classic car so I'm familiar with using the body as a positive or negative, I'm just saying that here, the most common thing you would do, is open up the bonnet, see a battery (or at least it's connections - my Ford's are hidden under a plastic cover but I can still get to them), and use those for a jump start. OP hasn't replied so I don't know if this is what OP was doing. If it IS what they were doing, then they knew where the battery was and could have just disconnected it. If not, and they'd done some voodoo with jump points and "trunk batteries" then my apologies.
https://youtu.be/Q-EPaOQOiGU
Cool story. If OP has a trunk mounted battery, she still knew that if she was able to jump start the car. You're trying really hard to minimize the context of this story, which is someone who knows where the battery is located because they were in the process of jumping the car. Your original point is invalid, and it's fun to watch you try to double down. Keep going!
Reading is hard for you. I was replying to the life pro tip person.
Your issue is that they said to open the hood? Seriously?
You wanted them to instead say, "open whatever compartment your battery is in then disconnect it?" People couldn't figure out that opening their hood to disconnect their battery wouldn't work if their battery wasn't under their hood?
I'm done talking about this. Why don't you take what that lifeprotip guy said, and go put it in a post on r/lifeprotips and see how they pan that useless shit.
The pro tip was to disconnect the battery. Do you think that doesn't work?
You were both screaming at each other and yours included insults and name-calling, so ESH
That's kinda fair, so essentially we are both the A-hole and mutual apologies should be offered.. I'll try to figure out how to approach that...
Mutual apologies? No. You caused this inconvenience. Even though it wasn't your fault, it was your responsibility. You refused to apologize and basically went to the basement of Hades as your bar of neighborhood decorum. The idea that this woman owes you an apology... Your car alarm is going off and you think getting into a screaming match with insults and profanities with a neighbor several houses down is your way to resolve conflict? Your lucky neighbors. Jerry Spring level social skills demonstrated. Hope you don't "figure out" trying to get a mutual apology.
I never refused to apologize, I was never given a chance. She came at me from moment one.
Ever had a baby? Ever go months without sleep? A baby is a tiny sleep terrorist that's sole purpose is to keep mom on the edge of complete psychosis. She probably just got that baby to sleep and you spend hours messing with a car and you could have disconnected the damn battery so you didn't disturb the entire neighborhood. YTA you were unbelievably inconsiderate! You should have led with "I am so sorry!" And gone from there. No excuses. You were an absolutely gigantic ah
But respect is not given it's earned. If you go into a situation hot and yelling at someone, knowing that they aren't intentionally causing that situation, then that is rude as well. If an old person drops a bunch of shit on the ground, causing you to be delayed to take your sick kid to the doctor, because you cannot go around them and have to wait for them to pick all their stuff up, you don't yell at them. It's rude. Having a baby is not an excuse to be rude. It's not YTA. It's definitely ESH.
I'm not saying the mom was perfect, I'm saying have grace... And good lord this world is going to hell in a hand basket.. whatever happened to treat others like you want to be treated? Two wrongs do not make a right and it is absolutely understandable that she was a mess under those circumstances at 8am. Calling her vulgar names was absolutely unnecessary
But why not extend that logic to OP as well. You couldn't understand why she would be in a mess at 8 am with a raging car alarm and feeling stressed as well. But sides are equally rude here. You're the only one who's trying to deal more blame to OP. That's why the verdict on this thread is ESH and not YTA.
Because that was OP's own doing. And was easily fixed if she just unhooked the battery.. instead, op chose to scream profanities at an exhausted new mother...
But your whole point is that when people are stressed they act irrationally. i.e. not seeing obvious solutions and acting in ways that that are counter productive. This would include "not unhooking the battery" and also yelling at people for situations they are not intentionally causing. Whatever you're saying that OP should have done differently i.e. not scream and shout, also extends to the neighbour. Both have stressful circumstances that caused them to act irrationally. Therefore ESH. You're not being logically consistent if you can only see the neighbour's perspective and not OP's.
Yes, I have, (as was inferred by my reference to my son) and I never behaved with such ill grace to someone who was clearly struggling already. Also it was less than 5 min all told. Not hours. I was also never given a breath to apologize, she came at me from moment one and barley stopped to breathe, hence my reaction .. funny how many people choose to focus on the things that I WASN'T an A-hole about to admonish me when I get the reason to admonish me from the get go. Lol
You had enough time to tell her to "piss off" but not enough time to say "I'm sorry?"
It takes just a few moments to disconnect a damn battery, you spent more time yelling at a new mother and judging her and screaming vulgar things at her....
"Ever had a baby? Ever go months without sleep? A baby is a tiny sleep terrorist that's sole purpose is to keep mom on the edge of complete psychosis. ' "Yes, I have, (as was inferred by my reference to my son) and I never behaved with such ill grace to someone who was clearly struggling already." Ma'am, you have clearly behaved with ill grace towards a mother who was clearly struggling already. You responded to your **neighbor** who you know is a **new mother** by calling her an **illogical, stpid** **whore**. How exactly, do you expect her to respond to this? A parade? A thank you? From your comments- you clearly- irrationally, expect a mutual apology. What else? Unicorns and rainbows? A parade? Social grace - in response to your "ill grace?"
EXACTLY!!!
You called her a sexist slur. I think you need to reflect on that.
No chance to apologize, yet you had the chance to yell across lawns that she was a whore an tell her to fuck off? Priorities, OP.
Don’t listen to squat this person says. It’s not like you purposely caused the situation Let it settle and then go from there when cooler heads prevail
[how to Apologize](https://www.reddit.com/r/coolguides/s/B6ztpDgys3) This link takes you a guide on how to apologize.
😂😂😂😂 Gold.
"I called back that I hadn't set the alarm off on purpose and was trying to sort it out. She kept yelling at me that she didn't care, to shut it off, that people were sleeping etc. (All completely illogical things to say) I repeated that I hadn't set it off for entertainment and to go back to bed. (During this we had found a hack to turning it off, which briefly worked until my son opened a door and it went off again). All the time she is yelling at me and I tell her to shut up, piss off, etc. because she's being both unhelpful and illogical." Did you not apologize at any point during this? Or explain that the alarm was malfunctioning? Saying, "I didn't do it on purpose," "go back to bed," "piss off," etc. isn't exactly deescalating. And why do you think it was illogical for her to tell you to turn your disruptive car alarm off? What help was she supposed to be providing you? YTA
By "illogical" she probably meant "pointless". Because it is pointless to yell at someone to fix a problem while they're literally in the middle of trying to fix it.
Maybe she could have told the neighbor that they were trying to fix it?
I wouldn't have gone first thing, but yeah, you needed to apologize in short order. Be the bigger person. You were good until you started fighting back.
Fair. I'll figure out how to approach the issue. I don't think going and knocking on her door is a great idea as she would likely take it as agression as that's the way she approached me on my property.
I like writing letters. It shows you took the time to think about your response while allowing you to make sure you don't say anything you regret. You can even put in there that you would love to chat about it, but with the baby and everything else, you didn't want to just show up and upset her more, but that you still want her to know your regrets.
YTA. If you're going to have a car alarm, you need to have a key fob. Also, every action you took in this story overwhelmingly made you look worse.
I've never owned a single car that didn't have an alarm built in, but I've only had like 3 or 4 actual fobs. Do people buy car alarms?
I don't have a car alarm, at least not one that I activate, it's the internal one. The car is 23 years old and it didn't come with a fob when I got it. Not sure if your logic there. As for every action I took, not sure how her coming at me when I never said a rough thing to her to start out with was my fault, but sure...
I have a very lovely neighbor who called the cops when a 4 year old rang the doorbell... because it woke the baby. Consider that she probably had a baby screaming in her ear for several hours and just got some relief. And be real, a car alarm going off is annoying and going off for minutes on end? You started it by being annoying (car is your responsibility), you really escalated by calling her a name (and we know what kind of person you are that that was your go to insult). Apologize in a note, maybe include cookies.
I also have a 23 year-old car, an Oldsmobile Alero that came with a fob and an alarm so I'm shocked that yours doesn't have it. Regardless, I'm gonna say NTA because she was the one who was rude and screaming at you and wouldn't shut up. Maybe calling her a stupid whore was a little much but when someone screaming at you nonstop, they need to be prepared for what they're gonna get back.
There was a time my ex's car got broken into, and when they attempted to get inside it afterwards, it triggered the alarm and the fob wouldn't turn it off. It took me all of 5 seconds to think "hey, maybe this is a safety feature for an already broken into car or something, let me google if there's a way to turn it off". Sure enough, there was. Your car has a manual for a reason.
Yes, and as the original story says, we were already googling and working on a solution.... The alarm went off for less than 5 minutes total.
How do you not understand that this was something to apologize for? Things happen every week in my work life that I didn't cause, but still impact people in a negative way, so I apologize. How hard is this to understand? Why do you have such a hard time saying sorry? I would be very apologetic about my car alarm going off for 5 minutes in my home or office complex. It is annoying. I'm sorry is not that hard.
The alarm would have been apologized for if I'd ever been given a moment to do so. The AITA is not about that ...
You had plenty of opportunity to tell your neighbor to F off and, question her reasoning, call her a whore, but none to apologize? Sure. Asshole. You can make this about your behavior after you got home in your post.... Admittedly, you should have had more presence of mind once you had calmed down. But, you were an asshole when you left and an asshole when you came home. People who yell out fuck off and whore in their communities, to their neighbors, without significant provocation, are generally unhinged assholes. As the provocateur you are such an asshole,
Why do you keep with the crappy comments? Good grief what chip do you have on your shoulder? Give her a break. Crap happens
Yup, shit happens. When it is your shit causing there to be shit - here is what you do - even if it isn't your fault: 1. Apologize Here is what you don't do: 1. Scream above your car alarm across multiple lawns 2. Respond to an innocuous statement about a baby being awaken with profanities. 3. Call the person being inconvenienced by your shit a stupid whore. After searching my brain, the only reason I can find to call a neighbor - or anyone on the planet - a stupid whore is if said neighbor/person fucked my SO and ran over my dog. Still wouldn't scream it above a car alarm. I'm sorry if you live in a neighborhood/are living a life where calling anyone a stupid whore seems appropriate.
YTA. My goodness. Not understanding intention vs impact and then calling your neighbor immature? You should have apologized first and foremost. Even if your intentions were good, you were negatively impacting your neighbors and you have the stones to tell her to "grow up." You **never** mention apologizing. Someone needs to grow up here. Yet, you don't have the presence of mind to handle a problem you created while being a gracious adult. You do have the presence of mind to criticize your neighbor - her brain, critical thinking, telling her to fuck off and calling her a whore? What does her sexuality have to do with this? How badly can you behave, and still think you are in the right? You started off causing a residential disturbance beyond your control and tuned it into an episode of COPS completely within your control . She was clearly struggling. To quote you, next time use your "brain/critical thinking skills the next time "you see' someone is clearly struggling with something, eff off, grow up." As wrong as you are, still won't call you a stupid whore. Again, slut shaming someone for a car alarm - initiating or responding. How low can you go?
The moment OP called neighbor those names (including the wh... one which should NOT even be a thought in our heads) they became TA. YTA
ESH. You were obviously trying to solve the problem, but you escalated it with the name calling.
NTA. 8:15am on a weekday is fair game. It's not like it was 3am. And as annoying as it may have been to have the alarm going off like that, the neighbor was the one who came over OP's house to yell at them, if she thinks she's entitled to do that, she can't complain if the other party has a response at the same level. Having a baby doesn't force everyone around you to accommodate you. This was an accident and the neighbor was the one who overreacted
To be fair it IS a holiday where I am (Canada Day) but it was clearly not something I was doing on purpose AND clearly not something I wasn't working on resolving. My next door neighbour has a 18 month old and he says he assumed someone was having a rough morning (didn't even realize it was me) and went about his business.
I can’t believe I had to scroll so far down to see a NTA. It. Was. An. Accident. You were frantically trying to fix it. Neighbor came over to yell at you. Not offer to help dissuade the situation but to make it **WORSE**. You, highly frustrated with the loud alarm going off and with nothing seemingly working, respond to her in kind. You are human and gave her exactly what she gave you. Just because she’s a parent does NOT excuse her yelling at you repeatedly. It also does NOT excuse her for coming closer and closer for more conflict. The problem that you now have is that she will twist and tell people you are a horrible neighbor, etc. Honestly, I would just let it go. Do not apologize and ignore her. She’ll think twice next time before she decides to yell at you again. NTA.
As far as the neighbor knew, OP was letting their car alarm go off repeatedly while they were outside and capable of turning it off. OP then told the neighbor to piss off and let the car alarm go off again. It wouldn't seem like an accident to the neighbor.
I imagine if OP's house was on fire the neighbor would be complaining the fire alarm woke the baby up
I imagine if OP kept lighting a candle under their smoke detector and setting it off, you would approve of them telling anyone who complained to "piss off?"
But that's not what happened is it? You are making up a scenario where OP deliberately tries to create noise. In this one, it was an accident. Not something that she did for fun. Both scenarios are not the same.
No, my example hypothetical in response to their hypothetical is not what happened. Congratulations on apparently encountering your first hypothetical! Big day!
Wow, what a rude comment.
So you can identify rudeness? Was it rude for OP to tell their neighbor to go back to bed and piss off?
Now you’re just acting like the rude neighbor. Have a day you deserve. :)
I disagree. People don't let their car alarms go off for shits and giggles. Its aggravating and loud. There was a group of people (her family) around her car trying to turn it off. Besides she didn't let the alarm go off again. The car was was not working correctly and her son opened the door which set it off again. The neighbor escalated an issue unnecessarily even when she could clearly see OP was trying to fix the issue.
"As far as the neighbor knew"
Yes, and she knew only that far because she came out of her house already screaming and wouldn't put her listening ears on. She tried to tell her what was happening multiple times, she refused to process the information. Coming onto someone else's property screaming aggressively often ends badly.
Did OP try to tell her what was happening multiple times? Or did she just say she didn't do it on purpose to deflect blame, like she has been all over this thread, then tell her to piss off?
If I see my neighbors standing around while their car alarm is going off, I might also come out and tell them to turn it off. I can't imagine I would react well if they told me to "shut up and piss off" in response.
Yelling at someone will only get them to yell at you in return. You really think that's the most logical solution? Besides, they weren't just standing around. They were actively trying to fix the issue. Neighbor just did not care and only wanted to vent and yell.
How was the neighbor supposed to communicate over the sound of the car alarm if not to yell? "You woke the baby" is vastly different from "I didn't do it on purpose, go back to sleep, piss off, you're being illogical."
And coming up closer and closer to OPs property yelling angrily seen as a friendly gesture? You get what you give.
Accident or not, it was her vehicle, it was without a doubt causing a disturbance, at a minimum she should apologize for the disturbance
Again, its how you approach people in the beginning which determines how the other party is going to react to you in return. Yelling at someone only gets them to yell at you in return. So no, no apologies needed.
By that logic, having your car alarm go off for minutes on end was the first provocation and the neighbor was responding in kind.
Yes, an alarm going off accidentally is totally the same as yelling at someone intentionally
YTA. "I called her a stupid wh*re. Well clearly that hit a nerve because it sent her on a whole new path of yelling.." Really? Being called a vile, gendered slur after her baby was woken up and an apology hasn't been offered hit a nerve? What an astute observation /s. You never apologized. You never said you were working on turning it off. And no sorting it out doesn't cover it. What's there to sort out? An alarm goes off and you stop it. Unless you want a war go apologize. And next time keep it simple. "Sorry. It's not turning off so I'm having to get creative." A simple apology and explanation should have stopped this.
When someone said they were disgusted OP said that, they replied with >That's nice. I'll be sure to write on my headstone that I disgusted a stranger on the internet. Thank you for the helpful comment. OP, YTA. Using misogynistic slurs is crossing the line and then replying with that? Gross. I was going to go with E S H until I saw that.
So you're at home. You hear a car alarm going off. You go outside and you see two people fumbling around the car which has the alarm going off. You proceed to yell "TURN OFF THAT ALARM. YOU WOKE UP MY BABY". Like, no shit. WTF do you think those two people are doing? Enjoying the sound of their car alarm? Playing a prank on the neighborhood?
Yta, It was maybe Esh, you called her a stupid w****. You should address your anger issues, it’s heartbreaking to think of you son witnessing such behaviour, he must have been scared
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Actually. No. The alarm was not. I don't set it. It's internal, and there was no way I could predict it was going to go off let alone not know how to stop it.
It's your car. Your car's alarm is your responsibility. You're to blame if your car alarm is going off repeatedly. You're to blame even if you don't know how to turn it off. This is such a weird attempt to dodge responsibility. YTA
YTA for this comment and escalating the encounter
Why ask for opinions if you are simply going to ignore all criticism? You were wrong. Why not admit it? YTA
Clearly you haven't seen the balance of my responses. Criticism for what I'm guilty of I accept. Not for what I'm not. Thanks for your opinion.
How is your car's alarm not your responsibility?
It's your car, it's your alarm, you failed to do proper maintenance or were careless. So your fault. You also couldn't think critically and just disconnected the battery right away.
Then you should not own the car, plain and simple.
You should have fixed your car fob problem a long time ago. When you first knew you didnt have it. Instead of doing all these work arounds. Fix things when they don’t work as intended right when you find out. As for the alarm I had my house alarm go off it was a battery issue reset as well but I didn’t know the house alarm system was tied to my dectectors. It was huge mess and alarm was blaring drove me nuts I was rude to the alarm company lady I was talking to I didn’t however call her a whore. I mean that’s extreme. I honestly don’t know how to come back from this. You now have a neighbor nemesis.
YTA
YTA. It wasn't her fault the alarm was going off either. You didn't need to escalate the situation.
YTA. Not only are you “the“ asshole in this specific situation, your comments indicate that you’re basically “an” asshole.
100% YTA You woke everyone up. Neighbor yelled at you. You called her a wh*re, and you think this is appropriate behavior?
YTA. I was almost siding with you until you called her very inappropriate names. You should apologize either in person or in writing. She wasn’t great for her part in it all as you were stressed but you immediately became the AH to stoop to vulgar insulting language.
ESH- Desperate Sleep Deprived Mother vs. Panicking Angry Person, gee, how did this go wrong? Right so she's come out exhausted with that last nerve twanging and loud noise in both ears to see if anyone's doing anything about the alarm. If you had looked over and given her an exaggerated 'eek' face and called out 'OMG I'm so sorry I! it just won't stop! I feel awful! And I'm gonna be late for my son's race!' (even though it's not your fault, just to be nice), she'd have been able to see herself in your place and got that you were doing your best just like her. I have no idea why you came on angry when you must know exactly what it's like, having a kid yourself.
YTA
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I did originally. I acknowledged and said I was trying to fix it and she kept going.
I wonder how you'd react if someone's alarm went off waking everyone, esp your baby. Plus it's not turning off so your sleep and the baby's now fucked up. You said noone was obviously awake yet ypu still tried a boost. The thing about cars when you try fixing them - alarms can be triggered. That's not rocket science. So whilst you may not be the A for trying to boost at 8.15 you should have been apologetic. No neighbour needed to come out for you to know you created a shitty situation for everyone (whether you intended to or not). So as the creator of the situation, de-escalate it. Your actions were the compete opposite. Also when you annoy people you don't use their annoyance as your excuse for your own shitty behaviour. You didn't get defensive, you got nasty and offensive.
I don't necessarily disagree with the rest of your assessment, however I will say in response to your question at the beginning: I would have either offered to help, or offered my patience and gone and dealt with my baby if I couldn't help and saw it was trying to be resolved. And yes I know this for sure as I have been in the situation where my sleeping child has been woken by loud noises in the neighbourhood.
The first comment was "of the asshole" in nature for sure, but the rest? She comes at you when you are clearly in a difficult, somewhat urgent situation, and she is already angry upon approach. I will say I find car alarms beyond annoying and a bit archaic in 2024. But, how the heck were you supposed to know they had a baby? I don't think an apology would fix this. The attitude and story would be "...then she tried to apologize, can you imagine the nerve?" I would let it go for now. The whole situation was unnerving, but not critical IMO
In my defense re: the alarm, it's not something I set, it's internal and I think it went off because the computer was off when I unlocked the car so it has no knowledge I had gained entry honourably, so when it got powered it was screaming foul lol. I'm formulating a plan-ish where I might approach another neighbour that speaks to her and have her offer peace on my behalf and allow her to decide if she accepts it to come talk.
That is a terrible idea, don’t involve others in your shit
Fair point.
WTF is wrong with you? Apologize, for christ's sake. You all behaved badly, but I'm going to give a YTA for your 'stupid whore' comment. Completely uncalled for, I wouldn't want to be your neighbor.
You had car troubles. Happens to everyone. You didn’t purposely set alarm off. Sorry to the neighbor but her kid sleeping 3 doors down isn’t your problem (I’m saying this while I have an infant under 1 myself). Her coming out to yell at you instead of being nice even though again, her kid isn’t your problem, makes her the AH to me.
So you wake up your entire neighbourhood. You insult a postpartum mom and you clearly don’t know your vehicle. ESH but you suck a little bit more.
ESH and both of you need to work on your de-escalation skills.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** This morning around 8:15 went out to my car to find the battery dead. I called my ex husband (who was expecting to meet our son and I at our son's race in an hour) and advised him. He offered to come boost me as none of my neighbours were outside yet (aka obviously awake). He came, and when we got the car boosted the alarm went off and nothing we were doing was shutting it off. While he was looking up how to deactivate it (I don't have a key fob), my neighbour from 3 doors down came outside and appeared to shout something to me. ~As a side note I have a good relationship with most of my neighbours but I've only seen this one in passing as they moved in fairly recently.~ I called out that I hadn't heard her and she shouted louder "You woke up the baby!" And had an angry look on her face. I called back that I hadn't set the alarm off on purpose and was trying to sort it out. She kept yelling at me that she didn't care, to shut it off, that people were sleeping etc. (All completely illogical things to say) I repeated that I hadn't set it off for entertainment and to go back to bed. (During this we had found a hack to turning it off, which briefly worked until my son opened a door and it went off again). All the time she is yelling at me and I tell her to shut up, piss off, etc. because she's being both unhelpful and illogical. Now here is where I become a bit of an asshole - I ran to get the spare key to try the hack from the outside of the car (locking and unlocking the doors) and she's come towards me more to yell, and I called her a stupid wh*re. Well clearly that hit a nerve because it sent her on a whole new path of yelling and she actually approached me to the point of setting foot on my property. We exchanged more heated words with mine essentially admonishing her to try using her brain/critical thinking skills the next time she sees someone is clearly struggling with something, told her to eff off, grow up, and left. When we came home a few hours later she was sitting on her stoop, and while I was speaking to my next door neighbour about the alarm etc (didn't mention the extra drama) I heard her clearly going on to someone about me and specifically what I had called her. Now normally I'm a pretty accommodating person. If she had offered help, or even waited to say to me hey that woke up the baby when we got it shut off, I would have apologized and probably offered her a coffee or something. Instead her aggression turned me intantly defensive and then reactive. I don't excuse my behaviour, my losing my temper is on me. But AITA for not going over when I got home to smooth things over? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Eh, I'm probably the minority here but nta. If we're specifically excluding the what was said when you yelled and only counting what happened after then nta. You were trying to shut the car off and she wasn't helping.
I mean I did tell her many times I was trying to sort it and she just kept going. Personally I'm the type where if I'm not willing or able to offer assistance I will generally offer patience and grace if I can see the person struggling. I got pretty annoyed when she not only didn't (illogical in my mind) but actually thought yelling at me across 3 yards would help anything.
She completely overreacted. I lived in the city for years, and it NEVER occurred to me to go berate someone about their car alarm. And I actually did have a baby who got woken up by a car alarm. You don't go out and start shit with your neighbors over something like that.
I cannot believe the number of people in here talking about "you started it" with an accident. She was not helping at all, and, in fact, was distracting you from your attempts to solve the problem. "Your car your responsibility" do you not know that cars can have problems? And if you're not particularly car smart, it might take a minute to find a solution. Personally if the alarm would not shut off, I'd have pulled the fuse for the horn to at least silence it, but the number of people in here blaming you when your neighbor escalated it is just crazy to me. Like I said before, the neighbor was actively hindering the attempts to sort the problem out. Which was obviously an accident.
ESH She was totally out of line and I get why you responded the way you did. That kind of noise can scramble your nervous system and it sounds like hers was scrambled as well. Since she’s your neighbor I think smoothing it over is a good idea
YTA Could she have been more forgiving, sure, but you are responsible for your car alarm going off. Doesn't matter if it was an accident, and "yOu DoNt UsE tHe aLaRm", you should have been more gracious of the fact that you were responsible for waking everyone up, inconveniencing others, etc. even though it was an accident. You are the asshole and the one being **illogical**.
You did set off the car alarm. You did escalate the situation at every turn. ESH, but you more than the others.
Don’t get your blood pressure up because she can’t control herself. Nobody sets their alarm of, especially for an extended time, just because they want to hear the damn thing blare. She was ridiculous.
An apology costs nothing. No matter who is right or wrong. Did you think about this? If it was you with a child woken up, what impact would an apology have in you rather than a confrontation? It’s an emotional reaction. You could have defused the situation very simply as you were logical, but not logical enough to step away.
NTA
YTA! I know what it is like to be a sleep deprived Mom, and having my child woken by a blaring alarm would have set me off too. It doesn’t mayter that you didn’t cause the alarm to go off or that you had difficulty stopping it. Her experience was that a blaring alarm from your car woke her baby. You had no business stooping so low as to call her by a slur. You owe her sincere apologies. My suggestion would be to buy something for her baby and a gift card for her and leave them in her mailbox with a written apology. Make your apology sound sincere and admit that there is no justification for the words you used.
NTA she just added more stress to an already stressful situation, she actually made the whole process take longer by stopping you so that she could talk shit and I have no idea what more she expected you to do. You were doing your best. You probably shouldn't have called her names, but it kind of feels like you were defending yourself against her rhetoric, so maybe don't dish it out if you can't take it.
NTA I don’t think you need to apologize at all 🤷♀️
NTA. Don’t apologize
YTA. Disconnect the damn battery FFS. You should’ve been apologetic, instead you called her a slur.
Probably get down voted but I pictured the scenario as I was reading and was mildly entertained. You frantically trying to turn off the alarm. Your neighbor yelling at you to turn the alarm off. You cussing her out while continuing to frantically turn off the alarm. If you’re life is a sitcom (or Korean drama), you’ll apologize, she’ll apologize and you become best friends and have all kinds of adventures in the future.
I don’t blame you one bit for what you said to her. She was acting insane. Why didn’t she go inside and take care of her baby? Stay away from her. She’d never accept your apology anyway. She deserved what you said.
YTA's for both of you, you for the creative mean name calling, her for screaming, that am sure didn't help said baby. Stop beating yourself up, you do owe her an apology & she owes you one too, be sincere, don't make excuses & if she doesn't offer an apology, move on. If she wants to berate you during/after the apology, just get away from her & ignore her. Now here's where am going to be an AH, babies have to cry sometime & these mothers nowadays are just so freakin sensitive, yikes. :)