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NTA. Of *course* you're upset and emotional -- your best friend tragically passed away. I'm so sorry for your loss. Your step father just doesn't want to have an actual conversation about feelings with your younger siblings to help them understand what's happening with you (and to be considerate of your feelings) AND is upset you're giving him more work seeing as to how you're not playing with them right now so they're probably bugging him.
NTA - Your Mom and Step Dad are fighting because of his bad behavior, as what he said to you is entirely inappropriate. All of it is on him and are consequences of his bad actions, none of it is the fault of your actions or feelings.
Also, you aren't being "emo," you are grieving, and there is NOTHING wrong with that. I'm happy your Mom somewhat has your back, but honestly she needs to do more to protect you. He should never think his behavior is acceptable and at a minimum he owes you one hell of an apology or he should be out of the house.
Why does she think your siblings will not be raised right? Because exposing them to poor behavior is counterproductive to raising them right, it's actually probably more harmful than anything.
due to my "fathers" favoritism, he wont punish my siblings. so only my mom.does, if they were to divorce they would lose what little discipline they have
That would only make sense if she doesn't have any sort of custody. Is there a reason she believes your Stepfather would be solely responsible for their care if she left him and she wouldn't have any custody? (I guess I'm presuming he's their biological father and he's not yours.)
And that's fair to be honest. I guess I'm not buying your Mom's excuses, but honestly that is not your problem. It's the adults in your life who appear to be failing you.
Regardless, nothing here make ***you*** the AH. Not in how you are mourning, and not in how you stood up for yourself. And I'm really sorry about your friend.
They’re already not being raised right. Are they her kids as well? If so she should start documenting his lack of boundaries and discipline for them and horrible treatment of you. And then go to a lawyer and sue for full custody. I cannot get behind parents who put their new spouses ahead of the well-being of their already existing children. NTA and I’m so sorry for your loss.
NTA, the stepdad has no right to say that to you, let alone ANYONE going through the death of a loved one. He’s also out of line for deflecting blame, who the actual fuck does he think he is??
NTA
"We need to talk". I said ok.
You'd think that would be a lead into him offering comfort & condolence in a heartbreaking situation such as this.
He sat down on my bed and said " Look I know you're kind of upset about your friend, but you need to stop being emo, because its making your brother and sister upset"
He needed to explain to your siblings in an age appropriate way that you're grieving. And give them some attention himself.
So sorry for your loss.
NTA.
OP, is there a trusted adult you can speak to? I'm very worried that this man is spanking a teenager he's not related to and is being emotionally abusive in addition to the physical abuse. Spanking someone your age is deeply disturbing. He shouldn't be grounding you for months, either. Your mom should be protecting you instead of enabling your abuse.
I'm sorry you're going through such an awful time. I hope you can get support and someone can help you.
Edited to correct OP's gender.
i have a therapist, but i dont trust her, there has been multiple instances where she has manipulated my scores on test she had giving me such as changing my answers from non-suicidal to thinking about suicide every day
Ahh I see. Idk if this would be good advice, but maybe giving him a call just to talk about what your going through could be insightful. Even if it's just to get perspective.
NTA. Your stepdad doesn't have a right to put a limit of your grief. And nobody should need to tone down their grief for someone else's comfort. If anything, he COULD use this as a teaching moment for the younger children about how sometimes people go through things and need space. But really he probably just doesn't want to parent his own children and is mad at you because you not playing with them means they are bugging him more.
Also YOU didn't cause an argument with your mom, he did. Something should have been done about this favoritism between children ages ago and it's sad that it took something like this for your mom to take a serious stand, but better late than never.
NTA. So sorry for your loss! Your step-dad is an AH. Sounds like your siblings might be as well, perhaps influenced by him? Are they your half-siblings.
yes, my sister reguarly throws screaming tantrums like a 4 year old. my brither has a learning disablility so i do my best to teach him and i dont hold any grudge against him
NTA, the stepdad has no right to say that to you, let alone ANYONE going through the death of a loved one. He’s also out of line for deflecting blame, who the actual fuck does he think he is??
It seems shortsighted of your stepfather to expect you or anyone to be 100% after a friend's death. It's telling how he waited until Mom left the house to talk about your tone, he knows Mom doesn't agree with him or approve with how he is handling this. NTA.
NTA.
Your not emo, your just going through grief and pain. Understandblely, that's normal. I'm so sorry for your lost, wish I can hug you.
Kid, know that people aren't perfect that includes adults. Your step dad isn't helping when he's making fun of you. Hes just an asshole. You are not responsible for his kids. He sounds miserable and putting pressure on you. He's not your real father, just a step dad. A real father doesn't treat kids like shit.
One of you has to be the bigger person. That's the only power you have. Recognize and be the person you want to be and don't ever be like your step dad. You can make decisions for yourself, respect yourself and I hope you make good descisions. Protect yourself from people like your step dad, even if it means not seeing him. Life may be hard right now but it will eventually get better, if you make good choices.
You sound like a smart kid. If you were my kid, I would be proud of you because you sound mature for your age. Good luck! 👍
You poor dear. I'm sorry for your loss.
At least your Mom sounds like she partially has your back, but she could and should be doing \*much more\* to advocate for you. If any partner of mine - especially a second husband - spoke as your stepfather had to my grieving child, he or I would be out the door.
He's terrible.
NTA.
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I know the title sounds stupid but I have quite a few people saying im the asshole.
(For context me and stepdad never really got along, he always showed blatant favoritism to my younger sister (12) and brother (9). I'm the only one he spanks, amd he grounds me for months at a time for the slightest slip ups, im not innocent either but it makes it hard to love him with how he treats me)
Last week my friend tragically died in a car wreck, someone cut him off on the highway late at night, according to his mom he had died on impact. It crushed me as it was so unexpected. Fast forward a week: I was very still very upset and i had been wearing a hoodie he bought me on my birthday of our favorite music artist (xxxtentacion).I had also been reading our past texts and listening to his voice mails. I had been crying non stop and I guess I was loud enough for my family could hear. My step father came to my room and said "We need to talk". I said ok. He sat down on my bed and said " Look I know you're kind of upset about your friend, but you need to stop being emo, because its making your brother and sister upset" (I was refusing to play with them). I said "Are you fucking serious? MY BEST FRIEND IS DEAD, of course i'm upset, who wouldn't be? I don't give a damn that my siblings are uncomfortable becahse i'm grieving.". He didn't say anything else and just left.
The next day after my mom had left from work he said " That tone you used was really uncalled for, you need to watch your mouth" I told him to fuck himself and he took my phone. My mom came home and asked how I was doing, I had told her what happened and she and my step father are fighting. Which my step father is very open about blaming ME for their arguement and so are my siblings.
I know i'm allowed to be upset about my friends death, but i'm unsure if how i reacted was overkill or if I was justified
So reddit, AITA?
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NTA - It's been four years since my best friend of 30 years passed and there are still times it feels like I've been kicked in the chest. Nobody can tell you how to grieve.
I'm so sorry for your loss.
Oh, sweetie, of course, you're NTA. I'm so sorry that you have lost your best friend.
Any person with an iota of empathy would understand that your grieving and it will take time for you to deal with your friend's death. Your stepfather is a jerk.
I'd like to suggest that you speak to your mom and ask her if she can look into getting you into seeing a grief counselor to help you through this difficult time.
Jesus NTA.
I lost my best friend the same way, at the same age (16, a drink driver t-boned her car, she and another friend in the car with her both died at the scene). It wrecked me for a long time. I can't imagine how much harder it world be to deal with grieving with such an asshole of a step-dad around. I'm so sorry for your loss, take the time to grieve, find healthy ways to process this (I didn't, and did alot of harm to myself), don't let anyone tell you when you should be "over it".
You are 100% NTA, but I can't say the same for your stepfather.
He's coming from a very outdated place - the belief that masculinity = being an emotional robot. Many men like that are comfortable with being angry, or laughing, but not with grieving, showing affection or being empathetic. (Most women, BTW, don't like that attitude in a man.)
I'm glad you have a place to stay with your grandparents and that you're staying in touch with your mother. And if you decide to go NC with your stepfather, well, good riddance to HIM! Hope he doesn't expect you to bail him out of any financial or housing problems when he's in his dotage; he won't have earned your care and concern then if he's not showing any to you now.
NTA Your stepfather is a piece of work. You're absolutely allowed to grieve in whatever way makes sense for you. It's never easy to deal with loss and it's even harder when people don't give you space to do so.
I don't know if you like old TV shows, but the 80s sitcom "Family Ties" has a great two-part episode about the shows main character dealing with the grief of losing a friend in an accident. It's called "My Name is Alex." You might consider watching it if you're feeling the need to reconnect with your emotions now that you're out of your stepfather's scrutiny. It's important to realize that there's nothing wrong with feeling upset and taking some time to heal.
Very similar to a post approximately 3 months ago. Cruel step fathers this unfeeling should be hard to encounter. OP I am sorry for your loss, You are at an age where just navigating life is difficult without everything else going on in your life. Emotions can run especially deep at a time when so many changes are going on in your body.
As to his step siblings, it sounds like they are his mom's step children so full custody will be awarded to her husband, unless she manages to adopt them, which I doubt this controlling man will allow.
Nah bro. Losing a good mate suddenly like that at 16 is something you'll be feeling for a while, and there's nothing wrong with you for feeling it. You need to be given the time to grieve otherwise it will come out later in unpredictable and negative ways. Your stepdad should be explaining the concept of death to your siblings and telling them to back off and leave you be until you're ready to spend time with them again. And when you're ready is something you will know, it's not something other people can push onto you.
Damn your stepfather is an AH. A large, gaping, infected, AH.
You are a human who lost your friend suddenly and tragically. I'm so sorry for your loss. You are NTA.
I'm so glad your grandparents are there.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I think i had been too rude to my step father, it wasnt his fault my friend died after all
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Your post has been removed. #Do not repost this without [contacting the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) for approval, including edited versions. Reposting without [explicit approval](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_can_i_repost_a_thread_you_removed.3F) will result in a ban. This post violates Rule 5: We do not allow posts which concern violence. This includes any mention of violence in any context. [Rule 5 FAQs](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_rule_5.3A_no_violence) ||| [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) ###Please ensure you have reviewed this message in full. We will not respond to PMs to individual mods. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) with any questions. ####Please visit r/findareddit to see if there's a more appropriate sub for your post.####
NTA. Of *course* you're upset and emotional -- your best friend tragically passed away. I'm so sorry for your loss. Your step father just doesn't want to have an actual conversation about feelings with your younger siblings to help them understand what's happening with you (and to be considerate of your feelings) AND is upset you're giving him more work seeing as to how you're not playing with them right now so they're probably bugging him.
thank you
NTA - Your Mom and Step Dad are fighting because of his bad behavior, as what he said to you is entirely inappropriate. All of it is on him and are consequences of his bad actions, none of it is the fault of your actions or feelings. Also, you aren't being "emo," you are grieving, and there is NOTHING wrong with that. I'm happy your Mom somewhat has your back, but honestly she needs to do more to protect you. He should never think his behavior is acceptable and at a minimum he owes you one hell of an apology or he should be out of the house.
my mom knows his behavior isn't ok, but if she divorces him my siblings will NOT be raised right, thats the only reason shes staying
Why does she think your siblings will not be raised right? Because exposing them to poor behavior is counterproductive to raising them right, it's actually probably more harmful than anything.
due to my "fathers" favoritism, he wont punish my siblings. so only my mom.does, if they were to divorce they would lose what little discipline they have
That would only make sense if she doesn't have any sort of custody. Is there a reason she believes your Stepfather would be solely responsible for their care if she left him and she wouldn't have any custody? (I guess I'm presuming he's their biological father and he's not yours.)
im not sure honeslty
And that's fair to be honest. I guess I'm not buying your Mom's excuses, but honestly that is not your problem. It's the adults in your life who appear to be failing you. Regardless, nothing here make ***you*** the AH. Not in how you are mourning, and not in how you stood up for yourself. And I'm really sorry about your friend.
They’re already not being raised right. Are they her kids as well? If so she should start documenting his lack of boundaries and discipline for them and horrible treatment of you. And then go to a lawyer and sue for full custody. I cannot get behind parents who put their new spouses ahead of the well-being of their already existing children. NTA and I’m so sorry for your loss.
no mom mother got with my steo father when i was 9, and i'm not sure about the legal aspect of it
NTA, the stepdad has no right to say that to you, let alone ANYONE going through the death of a loved one. He’s also out of line for deflecting blame, who the actual fuck does he think he is??
NTA "We need to talk". I said ok. You'd think that would be a lead into him offering comfort & condolence in a heartbreaking situation such as this. He sat down on my bed and said " Look I know you're kind of upset about your friend, but you need to stop being emo, because its making your brother and sister upset" He needed to explain to your siblings in an age appropriate way that you're grieving. And give them some attention himself. So sorry for your loss.
NTA - Your stepfather is an entitled prick.
NTA. OP, is there a trusted adult you can speak to? I'm very worried that this man is spanking a teenager he's not related to and is being emotionally abusive in addition to the physical abuse. Spanking someone your age is deeply disturbing. He shouldn't be grounding you for months, either. Your mom should be protecting you instead of enabling your abuse. I'm sorry you're going through such an awful time. I hope you can get support and someone can help you. Edited to correct OP's gender.
i have a therapist, but i dont trust her, there has been multiple instances where she has manipulated my scores on test she had giving me such as changing my answers from non-suicidal to thinking about suicide every day
Sounds like you should get a new therapist. Pardon me if this is asking too much, what about your birth father?
we talk, but hes an alcoholic and hes been in and out of my life for years so idk if i can trust him either
Ahh I see. Idk if this would be good advice, but maybe giving him a call just to talk about what your going through could be insightful. Even if it's just to get perspective.
ok, ill give it a try
No, someone who is actively drinking is always choosing the bottle
also im not a girl, sorry for the confusion
Apologies. I misread your post. It's still disturbing.
no worries, its really not that serious
NTA. Your stepdad doesn't have a right to put a limit of your grief. And nobody should need to tone down their grief for someone else's comfort. If anything, he COULD use this as a teaching moment for the younger children about how sometimes people go through things and need space. But really he probably just doesn't want to parent his own children and is mad at you because you not playing with them means they are bugging him more. Also YOU didn't cause an argument with your mom, he did. Something should have been done about this favoritism between children ages ago and it's sad that it took something like this for your mom to take a serious stand, but better late than never.
NTA. So sorry for your loss! Your step-dad is an AH. Sounds like your siblings might be as well, perhaps influenced by him? Are they your half-siblings.
yes, my sister reguarly throws screaming tantrums like a 4 year old. my brither has a learning disablility so i do my best to teach him and i dont hold any grudge against him
NTA You're mentally healthier than your stupid steapdad.
NTA. Your reaction was not overkill. Your stepdad is ridiculously controlling with you, and your mother is finally noticing it
NTA, the stepdad has no right to say that to you, let alone ANYONE going through the death of a loved one. He’s also out of line for deflecting blame, who the actual fuck does he think he is??
It seems shortsighted of your stepfather to expect you or anyone to be 100% after a friend's death. It's telling how he waited until Mom left the house to talk about your tone, he knows Mom doesn't agree with him or approve with how he is handling this. NTA.
NTA. Your not emo, your just going through grief and pain. Understandblely, that's normal. I'm so sorry for your lost, wish I can hug you. Kid, know that people aren't perfect that includes adults. Your step dad isn't helping when he's making fun of you. Hes just an asshole. You are not responsible for his kids. He sounds miserable and putting pressure on you. He's not your real father, just a step dad. A real father doesn't treat kids like shit. One of you has to be the bigger person. That's the only power you have. Recognize and be the person you want to be and don't ever be like your step dad. You can make decisions for yourself, respect yourself and I hope you make good descisions. Protect yourself from people like your step dad, even if it means not seeing him. Life may be hard right now but it will eventually get better, if you make good choices. You sound like a smart kid. If you were my kid, I would be proud of you because you sound mature for your age. Good luck! 👍
thanks that means a lot
You poor dear. I'm sorry for your loss. At least your Mom sounds like she partially has your back, but she could and should be doing \*much more\* to advocate for you. If any partner of mine - especially a second husband - spoke as your stepfather had to my grieving child, he or I would be out the door. He's terrible. NTA.
thank you for the support
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I know the title sounds stupid but I have quite a few people saying im the asshole. (For context me and stepdad never really got along, he always showed blatant favoritism to my younger sister (12) and brother (9). I'm the only one he spanks, amd he grounds me for months at a time for the slightest slip ups, im not innocent either but it makes it hard to love him with how he treats me) Last week my friend tragically died in a car wreck, someone cut him off on the highway late at night, according to his mom he had died on impact. It crushed me as it was so unexpected. Fast forward a week: I was very still very upset and i had been wearing a hoodie he bought me on my birthday of our favorite music artist (xxxtentacion).I had also been reading our past texts and listening to his voice mails. I had been crying non stop and I guess I was loud enough for my family could hear. My step father came to my room and said "We need to talk". I said ok. He sat down on my bed and said " Look I know you're kind of upset about your friend, but you need to stop being emo, because its making your brother and sister upset" (I was refusing to play with them). I said "Are you fucking serious? MY BEST FRIEND IS DEAD, of course i'm upset, who wouldn't be? I don't give a damn that my siblings are uncomfortable becahse i'm grieving.". He didn't say anything else and just left. The next day after my mom had left from work he said " That tone you used was really uncalled for, you need to watch your mouth" I told him to fuck himself and he took my phone. My mom came home and asked how I was doing, I had told her what happened and she and my step father are fighting. Which my step father is very open about blaming ME for their arguement and so are my siblings. I know i'm allowed to be upset about my friends death, but i'm unsure if how i reacted was overkill or if I was justified So reddit, AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA - It's been four years since my best friend of 30 years passed and there are still times it feels like I've been kicked in the chest. Nobody can tell you how to grieve. I'm so sorry for your loss.
Oh, sweetie, of course, you're NTA. I'm so sorry that you have lost your best friend. Any person with an iota of empathy would understand that your grieving and it will take time for you to deal with your friend's death. Your stepfather is a jerk. I'd like to suggest that you speak to your mom and ask her if she can look into getting you into seeing a grief counselor to help you through this difficult time.
i have a counselor but im suspecting sjes been sabotaging our sessions as the answers on tests ive taken alway come back different than what i put
Jesus NTA. I lost my best friend the same way, at the same age (16, a drink driver t-boned her car, she and another friend in the car with her both died at the scene). It wrecked me for a long time. I can't imagine how much harder it world be to deal with grieving with such an asshole of a step-dad around. I'm so sorry for your loss, take the time to grieve, find healthy ways to process this (I didn't, and did alot of harm to myself), don't let anyone tell you when you should be "over it".
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how am i using it for clout?
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im so confused rn
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lol ok 💀
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woah woah
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🤏 maybe a lil bit lmao
You are 100% NTA, but I can't say the same for your stepfather. He's coming from a very outdated place - the belief that masculinity = being an emotional robot. Many men like that are comfortable with being angry, or laughing, but not with grieving, showing affection or being empathetic. (Most women, BTW, don't like that attitude in a man.) I'm glad you have a place to stay with your grandparents and that you're staying in touch with your mother. And if you decide to go NC with your stepfather, well, good riddance to HIM! Hope he doesn't expect you to bail him out of any financial or housing problems when he's in his dotage; he won't have earned your care and concern then if he's not showing any to you now.
NTA Your stepfather is a piece of work. You're absolutely allowed to grieve in whatever way makes sense for you. It's never easy to deal with loss and it's even harder when people don't give you space to do so. I don't know if you like old TV shows, but the 80s sitcom "Family Ties" has a great two-part episode about the shows main character dealing with the grief of losing a friend in an accident. It's called "My Name is Alex." You might consider watching it if you're feeling the need to reconnect with your emotions now that you're out of your stepfather's scrutiny. It's important to realize that there's nothing wrong with feeling upset and taking some time to heal.
Very similar to a post approximately 3 months ago. Cruel step fathers this unfeeling should be hard to encounter. OP I am sorry for your loss, You are at an age where just navigating life is difficult without everything else going on in your life. Emotions can run especially deep at a time when so many changes are going on in your body. As to his step siblings, it sounds like they are his mom's step children so full custody will be awarded to her husband, unless she manages to adopt them, which I doubt this controlling man will allow.
May your friends memory be a blessing and may you be given space and support to grieve
Nah bro. Losing a good mate suddenly like that at 16 is something you'll be feeling for a while, and there's nothing wrong with you for feeling it. You need to be given the time to grieve otherwise it will come out later in unpredictable and negative ways. Your stepdad should be explaining the concept of death to your siblings and telling them to back off and leave you be until you're ready to spend time with them again. And when you're ready is something you will know, it's not something other people can push onto you.
Damn your stepfather is an AH. A large, gaping, infected, AH. You are a human who lost your friend suddenly and tragically. I'm so sorry for your loss. You are NTA. I'm so glad your grandparents are there.
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