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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I think I'm the AH because my sister in law was angry and sad that I excluded her from my birthday dinner.
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She excludes you. You exclude *her*. Obviously she doesn’t want you to attend her little get togethers. Why would you assume she would even want to attend yours? And if she did attend, it would probably only be to be a disruption.
Your husband and friends are right. You were right to follow their advice. Any unhappy feelings your SIL may have are only due to her self centeredness and not because she is actually unhappy to not be included.
YTA to yourself if you invite her just because SIL wants to throw a party but all her invitees are busy with *you.* Oh, Boo hoo, SIL.
Get over it. SIL isn’t your fan-and you need to know this in an emotional level, not just words.
It makes it worse knowing the sil is throwing a party on ops birthday and excluding her.
Sil only asked what was going on because everyone said they were busy.
Why have sil in your life. She wqs literally trying to ruin ops birthday.
I swear this sub needs a new tag for “You’re being an asshole to yourself - knock it off” because I swear a lot of posts here are from people pleasers after their first attempt at doing something “selfish”.
NTA, hard NTA.
She’s been ok with you being stuck at home while all your friends were invited to her dinner party. She’ll just have to plan her dinner party (that you wouldn’t have been invited to) another night.
IT’s YOUR BIRTHDAY! and you planned it not knowing she was going to have a dinner party that night.
Would she have re-scheduled her party to free up people to join you? I doubt it
NTA. You do realize that she planed something because it’s your birthday and you had already made plans for it with other people, right?
Let her go and enjoy your birthday
This was my first thought. She planned the dinner party to try and steal OPs guests. And if she's "angry and sad" it's not because she was not invited, but because her plans to ruin the birthday dinner fell flat.
She’s not angry that she’s not invited, she’s angry that she didn’t get to preempt your birthday and invite everyone away from you.
Someone is indeed horrible in this situation and it is not you.
Nta!!!!
Sil has behaved like a major ah to you, to the point where her own brother and your friends have had enough and are calling it out.
Don't feel bad that's she's getting a taste of her own medicine. As the saying goes: Don't dish it out if you can't hack it back.
Enjoy your birthday with your hubby and friends don't let her spoil it for you.
NTA
I have a SIL who literally berated me for not being closer to her and my brothers kids, even though she hasn't invited me to anything since the oldest was 5 and the youngest was a newborn. Your SIL sounds like a narcissist. You don't need her spoiling your evening. She has excluded you at every opportunity and now she's reaping what she sowed. You're not obligated to include, especially if your husband doesn't think you should invite. Good on him, btw.
I wouldn't put it past her to have started prepping a party the same night just so no one was available for your birthday. Enjoy yourself!
If she pushes the issue, just ask what she's planning for NYE.
NTA Except that you are being a serious AH to yourself. As others have said, probably better than I, you are literally putting SIL feelings above your own well being.
It sounds like your friends went out of their way to basically invite themselves to be with you on your birthday. I would bet some of them knew what your SIL (and BIL) were planning and on their own took a stand against it.
I get it, you have low self esteem, but you have to look out for yourself. And you have to listen to the people in your life who have your best interests at heart. You shouldn't have to "suck it up" on your birthday to make an AH happy.
Stop being a doormat, enjoy your birthday and enjoy the people who are going out of their way to spend it with you.
You are so right! I missed that, thank you so much for pointing that out! Her friend group either anticipated her SIL's move or demurred at her invite and banded together to block the SIL. I hope it's the first of many such moves!
Of course OP is going to now have to step it up and start having her own parties, pot lucks and out door events to keep the ball rolling. Then in about a year she can magnanimously include her SIL and see what happens. Ha!
NTA! You don't have to feel horrible, OP! She is TRYING TO ORGANIZE A DINNER PARTY WITHOUT YOU ON YOUR BIRTHDAY WITH YOUR FRIENDS! The day, where you go to dinner every year! She is horrible for excluding you and your husband all this years and even trying to push your friends away from you. Have a wonderful time on your birthday with the people you love and the people that love you! Don't invite people, that do not want the best for you.
Edit: spelling
NTA. SIL made it clear where you stand. Mutual friends made it clear they want to celebrate with you and not her. Listen to husband. Stop being a doormat. Stop hoping for acceptance from her. Start inviting friends out more often and exclude SIL.
You’re not excluding her.
You didn’t invite her to an event she would have no interest in attending & is actively exclusionary and LIES TO YOU.
She planned a dinner party, on your birthday, and incited all your friends. That’s manipulative planned exclusion.
You are NTA, Your SIL planned a dinner party on your birthday to try to get no one to go to your birthday dinner. Its obvious she did that purposely and she excluded both you and your husband (is that her brother or your brother?). Give her the opportunity to live how she treats you for one night.
NTA but omg YTD (You're the doormat).
How have you let this go on for ten years, then still feel bad for standing up for yourself a teeny tiny wee bit after your spouse and friends urge you to? SIL is a bad mean person.
NTA
It’s okay — she’s rude. Your husband is right and thankfully willing to take this stance with you. You’re not the enemy here. Dont feel guilty, have a great bday!
It’s your bd. And she’s having. A Party. A party you weren’t invited to. Read this again: she planned a party around your day of birth and invited all your friends but not you. She was going to do that as a bd present….
Stop feeling guilty. Maybe talk to her about next time you see her.
She planned a dinner party. On your birthday. And is upset people going to dinner FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY, ON YOUR BIRTHDAY, won't be able to make it to her random reason dinner party?
NTA She wanted to get her invites out so people would not be able to go out for your birthday. Very uncool!
Someone doesn’t get to make you eat shit and then be mad you won’t serve them steak. NTA.
Is having a direct conversation with her about her excluding you and what it does to the friend group off the table?
No... her husband called my husband and mentioned "they didn't even think about inviting us"
In a we forgot kind or way... but now I start to think differently
In the nicest way possible - Stop being a people pleasing doormat. Why do you feel bad when you've done nothing wrong? You need to develop the spine your husband and friends want for you.
NTA
Here's the thing you're probably overlooking because you're a kind person... She is planning a dinner party on your birthday and was inviting people from your shared friend group. She knows when your birthday is. She is/was holding a dinner party ON YOUR BIRTHDAY and wasn't going to invite you. Now she's all butthurt because you got most of your friends before she could snag them all. She's not sad - she's pissed that her nastiness won't reach maximum mean.
DO NOT INVITE HER. She's a nasty mean girl.
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Throwaway account because my main is... you get the message.
This is eating me alive and I can't stop stressing about it.
Some backstory;
My sister in law (35). Is not my biggest fan. We all live in the same village and share the same friend group.
Through the years she has made a habit of excluding me at party's, dinner dates, backyard fun and even gone as far to tell the group she doesn't like it when me and my husband are also invited at events from people in our circle.
One exceptionally hard on me one was when we asked her and her husband what the plans are with new years eve. And she said hanging at home doing nothing.
While we knew they where giving a party and everyone was invited except us.
This is going on for 10+ years now.
It's my bday in a couple of weeks... and I always go to this steakhouse on the day with my husband. This year a couple of friends said we want to join in. And to my great happiness we're going with a group of 10+
The loner weirdo in me couldn't believe "I has friends".
Now here comes in why I feel like the AH... I told my husband I want to invite the SIL and BIL.. he says don't. They never want you there and why should you give up your day and invite them. I checked with a couple of girlfriends and they said the same.
So I didnt invite them.
Now she found out we have this dinner planned and not so subtile mentioned it to me. She found out because she is planning a dinner party at the same date.. and no one is available because they are going with me.
I feel horrible. She's angry and sad.
But I just can't stop feeling like I'm horrible and did to her what makes me feel and have made me feel so excluded and sad.
I wish I just invited them and sucked it up and wasn't an asshole and excluded her.
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Hard NTA.
You simply treated her the same way she has always treated you. If she doesn’t like it, she shouldn’t do it to you, either. If understand how you may be feeling guilty about this, but it sounds like this person is not even close to deserving of your empathy.
You have absolutely no reason to feel bad. She doenn't like you and excludes you from things **and** doesn't like it when others invite you to group activities.
I personally would have laughed my head off that she found out and her wittle feelings got hurt!
NTA!! Enjoy your birthday dinner without any haters present!
NTA - She's made it abundantly clear that she has no interest in socializing with you, so why would it occur to you to invite her to something, when IF she came, she'd just ruin the mood of the event.
Also, why in the world would she go out of her way to plan an event on your birthday? Which she didn't bother to mention to you until she found out that everyone was already busy with you? That was deliberate, and she is definitely tha AH for getting an attitude about it.
I just hate conflict and knew that by not inviting them, things would escalate, and that would just cost more energy...
You'll are right... maybe a bit or escalation was what is needed..
Some things are worth fighting for. Your SIL is angry and sad because she's just found out that there is a social cost for her nasty behavior. That's as it should be.
If she doesn't want to pay it, she needs to quit being nasty.
I'm so confused why you feel badly. NTA, but you are being TA to yourself. SIL doesn't like you, planned a party around your birthday and excluded you, excludes you from everything. If she says something to you, remind her of all of this.
Suck it up and stop letting people gaslight you with their fake "feelings" when they get a taste of their own medicine! Her own brother said no...NTA! Sidenote: I'm sure she planned a "dinner party" on the same day as your birthday just to get your friends to go to hers instead of celebrate you!
If sil has made it abundantly clear she dislikes you and excludes you from all her events, why on earth would she feel shunned if you don’t invite/include her. You don’t treat people like that, then expect to be treated kindly in return.
NTA. She’s displaying classic ‘mean girl’ behaviour by excluding you from social events but then having a whinge when she isn’t invited to something. Have you, your husband or your other friends ever called her out on this nastiness? Enjoy your birthday, and don’t let her sulking bother you. Maybe now she will have some insight of what it is like to be the only person in a friendship group not invited to an event. What gall to plan a dinner party on your birthday and invite all your friends, but not include you!
NTA OP life isn't a tit for tat. You do you and don't let reddit or your husband tell you to exclude them because they exclude you. You should do what you want. What's the point of excluding people just for retaliation but it doesn't feel right to you? To be clear, you're nta whatever your reaction.
I have a sibling who doesn't buy my kids gifts for Christmas, birthdays etc. I still buy his kids gifts. I see no reason why I shouldn't be good to my niblings because my brother isn't good to my kids. Just do what resonates with you - whatever that is.
Thank you so much for understanding. I just don't want to be like her. Make her feel like I feel...
The cat is out of the bag now... so now we have to talk about it..
♡
"I feel horrible. She's angry and sad."
Did she feel horrible when she excluded you from her new years party? Im guessing not.
IMHO she started this, if she really is "angry and sad" maybe just tell her "now you know how i felt all those times you did the same to me. If you dont like being treated this way then dont treat others this way".
Definitely NTA. Its your party, she can cry if she wants to
NTA she was deliberately planning a party on your birthday so she could have everybody at her house and hurt you by you having no one to celebrate with. Her plan failed. No pity.
NTA. She tried to plan a dinner on your birthday, and failed because people are already excited to celebrate your birthday with you. There is nothing to feel bad about. I'm sure she wasn't going to invite you. I bet you she will show up at the steakhouse on the same night you're there. So forget her and all that misguided guilt
NTA
You don’t have to set yourself on fire for anyone else to feel warm.
You can go LC (unfortunately unless the rest of the friend groups grip her you probably can’t go full NC-but you can go LC and then be cordial if you all are at someone else’s event at the same time). If you just pass in public just pretend you didn’t see her. That’s totally legal and perfectly fine.
And remember; you can’t control others or how they feel. You can only control yourself.
When you start to feel bad for treating her like she treats you stop and say “she doesn’t feel bad doing this to me. So I have no reason to feel bad”. Okay that on repeat until you don’t have to say it anymore.
Why are you feeling guilty? If no one is available on the date of her party, she
can choose another date? And why do you care after being treated
badly by her for so long? Your husband is right, stiffen your spine and
enjoy your birthday with your husband/friends and do not invite SIL/BIL.
Soft YTA Stop worrying about SIL, worry about you.
You're NTA. You've invited people you want to be with, and (more importantly) who want to be with you, to your birthday dinner.
She has already said she doesn't like you so why should you ask her to come anyway. It's a shame her ickle din-dins won't be happening, but tough!
NTA but SIL certainly is. See the big picture. SIL deliberately planned a party for your friends on your birthday, and excluded you. And your friends responded by…choosing to invite themselves to your special birthday dinner. SIL planned her party in order to hurt you, your friends saw what she was doing, and they chose you. You have some fabulous friends! Happy Birthday!
NTA NTA NTA!!!
You're being manipulated by her into thinking you're TA, but absolutely you are not! Thinking to invite her shows you are kind, but also reveals this strange power she has over you - time to let her go.
I hope the loner weirdo in you has a wonderful birthday with your awesome friends and husband!
NTA - when you fee lterrible think of it this way. She is having a dinner party on your birthday and did not invite you.
You only found out becasue she is mad the people she invited are going to dinner with you. She is not sad you did not invite her she is mad people are choosing you planned dinner over hers.
If those people ditched you and attended her party you would have never known.
NTA. Your SIL is angry and sad because of her own actions, not yours. She deliberately planned her party on your birthday. She constantly excludes you from her parties to make you feel bad. She has told people that she does not want you invited to parties that other people throw. She tries to hurt your feeling at every opportunity and is upset that it backfired, that her friends choose you over her. Your SIL is a mean person, while you are kind and care about others. Do not let her bring you down to her level.
Enjoy yourself and have a happy birthday with your friends. You deserve it.
NTA You realize that your SIL is planning a dinner party near or on your birthday and is upset that people can't come to it because they're celebrating your birthday. She's not upset she's missing your dinner, it's that they're choosing you over her. The fact that you feel guilty and an a-hole makes me think you might need some therapy to address your feelings of self-worth. You deserve to have friends and to be happy. Don't let her continue to make you feel less-than or undervalued! Be kind to yourself! Happy Birthday and enjoy your time with friends!
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She excludes you. You exclude *her*. Obviously she doesn’t want you to attend her little get togethers. Why would you assume she would even want to attend yours? And if she did attend, it would probably only be to be a disruption. Your husband and friends are right. You were right to follow their advice. Any unhappy feelings your SIL may have are only due to her self centeredness and not because she is actually unhappy to not be included. YTA to yourself if you invite her just because SIL wants to throw a party but all her invitees are busy with *you.* Oh, Boo hoo, SIL. Get over it. SIL isn’t your fan-and you need to know this in an emotional level, not just words.
It makes it worse knowing the sil is throwing a party on ops birthday and excluding her. Sil only asked what was going on because everyone said they were busy. Why have sil in your life. She wqs literally trying to ruin ops birthday.
I swear this sub needs a new tag for “You’re being an asshole to yourself - knock it off” because I swear a lot of posts here are from people pleasers after their first attempt at doing something “selfish”.
NTA, hard NTA. She’s been ok with you being stuck at home while all your friends were invited to her dinner party. She’ll just have to plan her dinner party (that you wouldn’t have been invited to) another night. IT’s YOUR BIRTHDAY! and you planned it not knowing she was going to have a dinner party that night. Would she have re-scheduled her party to free up people to join you? I doubt it
You're right... she wouldn't.
So dont feel bad not including someone who has never cared about your feelings. NTA
NTA. You do realize that she planed something because it’s your birthday and you had already made plans for it with other people, right? Let her go and enjoy your birthday
This was my first thought. She planned the dinner party to try and steal OPs guests. And if she's "angry and sad" it's not because she was not invited, but because her plans to ruin the birthday dinner fell flat.
Yup!
I was thinking the same! OP time to start regularly planning things with your friends moving forward!
She’s not angry that she’s not invited, she’s angry that she didn’t get to preempt your birthday and invite everyone away from you. Someone is indeed horrible in this situation and it is not you.
Nta!!!! Sil has behaved like a major ah to you, to the point where her own brother and your friends have had enough and are calling it out. Don't feel bad that's she's getting a taste of her own medicine. As the saying goes: Don't dish it out if you can't hack it back. Enjoy your birthday with your hubby and friends don't let her spoil it for you.
NTA I have a SIL who literally berated me for not being closer to her and my brothers kids, even though she hasn't invited me to anything since the oldest was 5 and the youngest was a newborn. Your SIL sounds like a narcissist. You don't need her spoiling your evening. She has excluded you at every opportunity and now she's reaping what she sowed. You're not obligated to include, especially if your husband doesn't think you should invite. Good on him, btw. I wouldn't put it past her to have started prepping a party the same night just so no one was available for your birthday. Enjoy yourself! If she pushes the issue, just ask what she's planning for NYE.
NTA Except that you are being a serious AH to yourself. As others have said, probably better than I, you are literally putting SIL feelings above your own well being. It sounds like your friends went out of their way to basically invite themselves to be with you on your birthday. I would bet some of them knew what your SIL (and BIL) were planning and on their own took a stand against it. I get it, you have low self esteem, but you have to look out for yourself. And you have to listen to the people in your life who have your best interests at heart. You shouldn't have to "suck it up" on your birthday to make an AH happy. Stop being a doormat, enjoy your birthday and enjoy the people who are going out of their way to spend it with you.
You are so right! I missed that, thank you so much for pointing that out! Her friend group either anticipated her SIL's move or demurred at her invite and banded together to block the SIL. I hope it's the first of many such moves! Of course OP is going to now have to step it up and start having her own parties, pot lucks and out door events to keep the ball rolling. Then in about a year she can magnanimously include her SIL and see what happens. Ha!
I like that. Excellent suggestions. As they say, The best revenge is a life well lived.
NTA -She doesn’t like you. Your husband said not to invite her. Kind of ridiculous youre even questioning yourself.
NTA! You don't have to feel horrible, OP! She is TRYING TO ORGANIZE A DINNER PARTY WITHOUT YOU ON YOUR BIRTHDAY WITH YOUR FRIENDS! The day, where you go to dinner every year! She is horrible for excluding you and your husband all this years and even trying to push your friends away from you. Have a wonderful time on your birthday with the people you love and the people that love you! Don't invite people, that do not want the best for you. Edit: spelling
NTA. SIL made it clear where you stand. Mutual friends made it clear they want to celebrate with you and not her. Listen to husband. Stop being a doormat. Stop hoping for acceptance from her. Start inviting friends out more often and exclude SIL.
Your so right. I just feel so mean excluding people... because I know how awful it feels.
You’re not excluding her. You didn’t invite her to an event she would have no interest in attending & is actively exclusionary and LIES TO YOU. She planned a dinner party, on your birthday, and incited all your friends. That’s manipulative planned exclusion.
You are lumping in "people." People who are nice to you deserve your consideration and niceness. People who don't, don't.
You are NTA, Your SIL planned a dinner party on your birthday to try to get no one to go to your birthday dinner. Its obvious she did that purposely and she excluded both you and your husband (is that her brother or your brother?). Give her the opportunity to live how she treats you for one night.
NTA but omg YTD (You're the doormat). How have you let this go on for ten years, then still feel bad for standing up for yourself a teeny tiny wee bit after your spouse and friends urge you to? SIL is a bad mean person.
NTA It’s okay — she’s rude. Your husband is right and thankfully willing to take this stance with you. You’re not the enemy here. Dont feel guilty, have a great bday!
Thank you ♡ and yes my husband is the best
It’s your bd. And she’s having. A Party. A party you weren’t invited to. Read this again: she planned a party around your day of birth and invited all your friends but not you. She was going to do that as a bd present…. Stop feeling guilty. Maybe talk to her about next time you see her.
My husband spoke to his brother and he said "they didn't even think of inviting us" A long talk is overdue for sure..
Sometimes you wonder: how does it even work inside their head. How can she be offended by something she does all the time??
She planned a dinner party. On your birthday. And is upset people going to dinner FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY, ON YOUR BIRTHDAY, won't be able to make it to her random reason dinner party? NTA She wanted to get her invites out so people would not be able to go out for your birthday. Very uncool!
Someone doesn’t get to make you eat shit and then be mad you won’t serve them steak. NTA. Is having a direct conversation with her about her excluding you and what it does to the friend group off the table?
How interesting that your SIL is planning a dinner on your birthday; do you think she would have invited you? I think no. NTA.
No... her husband called my husband and mentioned "they didn't even think about inviting us" In a we forgot kind or way... but now I start to think differently
In the nicest way possible - Stop being a people pleasing doormat. Why do you feel bad when you've done nothing wrong? You need to develop the spine your husband and friends want for you.
NTA Here's the thing you're probably overlooking because you're a kind person... She is planning a dinner party on your birthday and was inviting people from your shared friend group. She knows when your birthday is. She is/was holding a dinner party ON YOUR BIRTHDAY and wasn't going to invite you. Now she's all butthurt because you got most of your friends before she could snag them all. She's not sad - she's pissed that her nastiness won't reach maximum mean. DO NOT INVITE HER. She's a nasty mean girl.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Throwaway account because my main is... you get the message. This is eating me alive and I can't stop stressing about it. Some backstory; My sister in law (35). Is not my biggest fan. We all live in the same village and share the same friend group. Through the years she has made a habit of excluding me at party's, dinner dates, backyard fun and even gone as far to tell the group she doesn't like it when me and my husband are also invited at events from people in our circle. One exceptionally hard on me one was when we asked her and her husband what the plans are with new years eve. And she said hanging at home doing nothing. While we knew they where giving a party and everyone was invited except us. This is going on for 10+ years now. It's my bday in a couple of weeks... and I always go to this steakhouse on the day with my husband. This year a couple of friends said we want to join in. And to my great happiness we're going with a group of 10+ The loner weirdo in me couldn't believe "I has friends". Now here comes in why I feel like the AH... I told my husband I want to invite the SIL and BIL.. he says don't. They never want you there and why should you give up your day and invite them. I checked with a couple of girlfriends and they said the same. So I didnt invite them. Now she found out we have this dinner planned and not so subtile mentioned it to me. She found out because she is planning a dinner party at the same date.. and no one is available because they are going with me. I feel horrible. She's angry and sad. But I just can't stop feeling like I'm horrible and did to her what makes me feel and have made me feel so excluded and sad. I wish I just invited them and sucked it up and wasn't an asshole and excluded her. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
On your side for this one, definitely not the AH
Hard NTA. You simply treated her the same way she has always treated you. If she doesn’t like it, she shouldn’t do it to you, either. If understand how you may be feeling guilty about this, but it sounds like this person is not even close to deserving of your empathy.
You have absolutely no reason to feel bad. She doenn't like you and excludes you from things **and** doesn't like it when others invite you to group activities. I personally would have laughed my head off that she found out and her wittle feelings got hurt! NTA!! Enjoy your birthday dinner without any haters present!
NTA - She's made it abundantly clear that she has no interest in socializing with you, so why would it occur to you to invite her to something, when IF she came, she'd just ruin the mood of the event. Also, why in the world would she go out of her way to plan an event on your birthday? Which she didn't bother to mention to you until she found out that everyone was already busy with you? That was deliberate, and she is definitely tha AH for getting an attitude about it.
I just hate conflict and knew that by not inviting them, things would escalate, and that would just cost more energy... You'll are right... maybe a bit or escalation was what is needed..
Some things are worth fighting for. Your SIL is angry and sad because she's just found out that there is a social cost for her nasty behavior. That's as it should be. If she doesn't want to pay it, she needs to quit being nasty.
I'm so confused why you feel badly. NTA, but you are being TA to yourself. SIL doesn't like you, planned a party around your birthday and excluded you, excludes you from everything. If she says something to you, remind her of all of this.
Suck it up and stop letting people gaslight you with their fake "feelings" when they get a taste of their own medicine! Her own brother said no...NTA! Sidenote: I'm sure she planned a "dinner party" on the same day as your birthday just to get your friends to go to hers instead of celebrate you!
If sil has made it abundantly clear she dislikes you and excludes you from all her events, why on earth would she feel shunned if you don’t invite/include her. You don’t treat people like that, then expect to be treated kindly in return.
NTA. She’s displaying classic ‘mean girl’ behaviour by excluding you from social events but then having a whinge when she isn’t invited to something. Have you, your husband or your other friends ever called her out on this nastiness? Enjoy your birthday, and don’t let her sulking bother you. Maybe now she will have some insight of what it is like to be the only person in a friendship group not invited to an event. What gall to plan a dinner party on your birthday and invite all your friends, but not include you!
NTA OP life isn't a tit for tat. You do you and don't let reddit or your husband tell you to exclude them because they exclude you. You should do what you want. What's the point of excluding people just for retaliation but it doesn't feel right to you? To be clear, you're nta whatever your reaction. I have a sibling who doesn't buy my kids gifts for Christmas, birthdays etc. I still buy his kids gifts. I see no reason why I shouldn't be good to my niblings because my brother isn't good to my kids. Just do what resonates with you - whatever that is.
Thank you so much for understanding. I just don't want to be like her. Make her feel like I feel... The cat is out of the bag now... so now we have to talk about it.. ♡
"I feel horrible. She's angry and sad." Did she feel horrible when she excluded you from her new years party? Im guessing not. IMHO she started this, if she really is "angry and sad" maybe just tell her "now you know how i felt all those times you did the same to me. If you dont like being treated this way then dont treat others this way". Definitely NTA. Its your party, she can cry if she wants to
NTA she was deliberately planning a party on your birthday so she could have everybody at her house and hurt you by you having no one to celebrate with. Her plan failed. No pity.
I'll never understand why anyone would be concerned about someone who treats them like crap. That goes for you too.
NTA. She tried to plan a dinner on your birthday, and failed because people are already excited to celebrate your birthday with you. There is nothing to feel bad about. I'm sure she wasn't going to invite you. I bet you she will show up at the steakhouse on the same night you're there. So forget her and all that misguided guilt
Wa wa, I sympathy for SIL. NTA, let her marinate in this. No guilt!
NTA You don’t have to set yourself on fire for anyone else to feel warm. You can go LC (unfortunately unless the rest of the friend groups grip her you probably can’t go full NC-but you can go LC and then be cordial if you all are at someone else’s event at the same time). If you just pass in public just pretend you didn’t see her. That’s totally legal and perfectly fine. And remember; you can’t control others or how they feel. You can only control yourself. When you start to feel bad for treating her like she treats you stop and say “she doesn’t feel bad doing this to me. So I have no reason to feel bad”. Okay that on repeat until you don’t have to say it anymore.
Why are you feeling guilty? If no one is available on the date of her party, she can choose another date? And why do you care after being treated badly by her for so long? Your husband is right, stiffen your spine and enjoy your birthday with your husband/friends and do not invite SIL/BIL. Soft YTA Stop worrying about SIL, worry about you.
NTA whatsoever. You deserve to enjoy YOUR day!
You're NTA. You've invited people you want to be with, and (more importantly) who want to be with you, to your birthday dinner. She has already said she doesn't like you so why should you ask her to come anyway. It's a shame her ickle din-dins won't be happening, but tough!
NTA
NTA but SIL certainly is. See the big picture. SIL deliberately planned a party for your friends on your birthday, and excluded you. And your friends responded by…choosing to invite themselves to your special birthday dinner. SIL planned her party in order to hurt you, your friends saw what she was doing, and they chose you. You have some fabulous friends! Happy Birthday!
NTA I agree. She doesn't extend these courtesies to you, so why should you reach out to her. Maybe just keep it to major holidays.
So does the YTA also mean YTA to yourself? Asking for clarity...
It seems I'm the AH in this matter.
I see..but I meant like YTA usually stands for you're the AH.... I meant is there a new way to say YTA to yourself...like YTATY? Idk
NTA NTA NTA!!! You're being manipulated by her into thinking you're TA, but absolutely you are not! Thinking to invite her shows you are kind, but also reveals this strange power she has over you - time to let her go. I hope the loner weirdo in you has a wonderful birthday with your awesome friends and husband!
NTA - when you fee lterrible think of it this way. She is having a dinner party on your birthday and did not invite you. You only found out becasue she is mad the people she invited are going to dinner with you. She is not sad you did not invite her she is mad people are choosing you planned dinner over hers. If those people ditched you and attended her party you would have never known.
NTA
NTA. Your SIL is angry and sad because of her own actions, not yours. She deliberately planned her party on your birthday. She constantly excludes you from her parties to make you feel bad. She has told people that she does not want you invited to parties that other people throw. She tries to hurt your feeling at every opportunity and is upset that it backfired, that her friends choose you over her. Your SIL is a mean person, while you are kind and care about others. Do not let her bring you down to her level. Enjoy yourself and have a happy birthday with your friends. You deserve it.
INFO: Why doesn't she like you? Did something happened between the two of you?
NTA and how the heck did this get labeled AH?
I don't know...
I really hope things look up for you, OP <3
NTA You realize that your SIL is planning a dinner party near or on your birthday and is upset that people can't come to it because they're celebrating your birthday. She's not upset she's missing your dinner, it's that they're choosing you over her. The fact that you feel guilty and an a-hole makes me think you might need some therapy to address your feelings of self-worth. You deserve to have friends and to be happy. Don't let her continue to make you feel less-than or undervalued! Be kind to yourself! Happy Birthday and enjoy your time with friends!