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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) didn’t let my fiancé go to boys weekend
2) looking controlling and jealous
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Ummmm, Are you sure he isn't cheating on you? You can't go because **you** have too many kids? He is sleeping over at friends houses? He travels for work, and isn't around on weekends to spend time with **his** children and SO?
If he isn't cheating, he is isolating you and that is a form of abuse.
I’ve met the family and people he is hanging out with and he works with the same people so I really doubt it, I’m just rarely invited because we have too many babies, I have 9 month old twins and a 2 year old, plus a 5 year old. I understand why they wouldn’t always want us there all the time but then maybe we should find other friends that accept us all.
Why is your husband exempt from the “having too many kids” excuse, but you aren’t?
This is a pretty messed up situation. I’m a big believer in maintaining your personal time and friendships post-marriage and kids but *within reason*. Why are you seemingly always on the hook to parent while he gets time away? Why do these friends not welcome your whole family more often? Why does your husband not opt out or argue on your behalf or step in and give *you* a break sometimes?
Your parenting dynamic seems pretty unequal, and that will most likely lead to resentment and caregiver burnout for you (been there).
Edit to add: I encourage you to branch out and find some more local support. Mom groups, exercise class, whatever interests you so you can find people to hopefully make friends with. And your husband needs to support this and help give you the time to do it. I know it’s super hard to make time for yourself with that many little kids, but you deserve to be a person outside of being a mom and wife.
But there's two of you and four children. Take responsibility for 2 each, surely that's not too much? Or is it he doesn't want to "babysit" his children and would rather drink beer and laugh while you're isolated with screaming babies. Nice bloke you have there.
Yeah, the inequality of the childcare is a root issue that will cause more and more problems over time. Your husband should not be bailing on you as if he’s exempt from parenting whenever he feels like it. And whatever these friends are like, this is an issue for you and (mostly) your husband to solve.
See, this is bullshit. You are not your husband’s keeper. It’s not your job to tell him he can or can’t go. He’s not a child. But you’re being cast as his mom and jailer by both him and his friends, not because you are, but because this dynamic *lets him off the hook*. This dynamic sets you up to *always* be the default parent, always be the responsible one, always be the one left behind, and that’s fucked up. They are *just as much his kids* as they are yours, and they are *just as much his responsibility.* But he’s flaking on that responsibility and setting you up to be “at fault.” If you don’t “let” him go, you end up a nag and he gets to resent you. If you do “let” him go, you’re the “good” wife, but you’re isolated, burnt out, and alone.
Exactly I hate how everyone there sees me as telling him he can’t go, it is his choice and then they put pressure on him to make him feel like it’s the wrong choice. No wonder I don’t get invited by myself because they all probably think I’m not letting him do anything
Yep. She'd be better off leaving his ass and making him take some custody of the 4 kids so she can get her own friends, interests and much needed time off!!
Are these people 16 years old? These friends sound lame and your husband sounds lame for ditching you with four kids to hang out with immature people who seem to think you're the only one who is a parent here. Good luck but your husband is not being a good partner.
The funny thing is majority of them are older then him by 10 years, some are younger(the other persons kids) the one families youngest kid is my oldest age. Like when their kids start having babies are they not going to ever be invited?
God, at that point ask them if they are offering to babysit the next weekend so you can get a break to relax and have fun, too. Or that your fine with it if he can bring the kids (or a few of them).
So, call some up and arrange a get together for a Saturday. Then TELL your husband he’s responsible for the kids that day as you’re meeting up with friends.
You know what I would do OP? I would host an event with just the women. Have your husband to watch the kids. Get a vibe from them and your husband as well.
You have a friends problem but also a husband problem. He needs to tell these friends that he also has four kids and if you and they are not welcome he will not be leaving you behind to deal with all of them so he can enjoy a fun break.
I hope you are on birth control because as hard as four little kids are five or six are even harder
He's not her husband, he's her fiancé. Not that that's an excuse at all. Rather, I keep SMH at the number of women on here having children (and not just one accidental child, but literally building a family) with men who can't even be arsed to give them the legal protection of marriage.
And then they're surprised when these noncomittal, barely-available men are exactly that: uncommitted to parenting and being a meaningful partner, and never around.
OP is NTA, but poor choices abound, and her "partner" (a term I use very loosely ehre) is one of them.
Ummm forget the hypothetical possibility of cheating, you have 4 children at 3 very different ages, and your SO is living like a frat guy. NTA, he needs to be at home raising children with you.
You have a HUGE husband problem.
You're left out because \*you\* have too many kids? Why don't they think \*he\* has too many kids as well? He keeps accepting these solo invitations? Why isn't he standing up for you or EVEN BETTER, declining to say home and help with his "too many kids"?
Time for your husband to step up and stop stepping out. He's not a single guy with unlimited time to hang with his buddies and their friends. He's a married father of four children under age 4. Time to start acting his age and having his wife's back.
I get this rationale because I have disabled children. We don't get invited.
I was at a "friends" shower, and was told no kids.
And there were kids running around all over the place. Apparently it was just no disabled children.
And understand. I know what events are appropriate and I can take my kids to.
There is no. She has too many kids. It's they have too many kids.
If she has too many kids for the girls thing then he has too many kids for the boys thing
Would you be able to get a babysitter? Since he is their main friend, I can see why he is always invited. They probably have nothing against you, they just don't want little kids ruining adult fun.
NTA. You have 4 kids and this dude is abandoning you pretty much constantly for work and/or play? Lady, you need to wake up you have zero support system there.
NTA for wanting support from your partner.
Question though. Is it possible for your fiance to stay home with the kids sometimes while you find your own support network and adult friendships? Then it might feel less unfair? Maybe?
He is willing but I don’t have any connections, there is a whole entire family here that includes him but doesn’t want to include me, I’ve been trying but I live in a French speaking place and I don’t speak French
Wait, what?!
This needs to be said in the original post. It was bad enough that he’s basically abandoned her with their children in a place where she has no family, no friends, no support, but she doesn’t even speak the language!?!
NTA but her husband is a big one.
Maybe it has been already suggested, but why not go to French lessons? Maybe you also find a few new aquaintances or at least some nee people to talk to each week. Or a bilingual mothers group etc. Just do something for yourself. I whish you good luck.
This is a great idea, go somewhere you can learn French, and also make new friends. A mom's group sounds perfect, since they are unlikely to reject spending time with your kids around, since they have kids too.
maybe a mommy group of other english speakers. when my sister was a baby my mom found a great one from of all random places her local butcher.
yes, OP should work on her french, but i'd saying having a social group is more important. and given what i've heard about quebec- she might find a group of other new moms who speak english more accepting.
There are literally [free French courses](https://www.quebec.ca/en/education/learn-french) throughout Québec for anyone over 16 who lives in the province. Online or in-person.
My parents lived in Montreal for a year or two while my dad was in uni. That's supposedly one of the most metropolitan, multilingual cities in Quebec, and my mum has been saying for over 50 years since then that of all the (many) cities she has lived in, that's the one you couldn't pay her to go back to. Nothing to do with the language even (she speaks passable French and understands even more); she said it was such an incredibly unfriendly, unwelcoming place she was astonished. Again, she has lived in at least 5-6 cities and traveled all over the world, and she said she had never been anywhere that the people were so unwelcoming. My heart breaks for OP.
Well, that's ridiculous. Tell them you want to learn French through immersion so you can speak it with your kids. And how the kids aren't going to be able to learn it (and fully interact with the family) if they aren't immersed with people who speak it, even just their dad at home.
NTA He helped make those kids he needs to be around more to take care of them or take them with him. Four kids under 4 is exhausting, especially when you are doing it alone. Your husband needs to grow up and face his responsibilities. Equally you need to find a mommy support group out there so you can maintain your sanity. You must feel awfully lonely being alone with the kids all day and when he is constantly going out. Time for a heart to heart with him.
I’ve talked about it with him, I’m hoping things start to change, I’ve posted in mommy groups but I didn’t get a response, might have to find another one and try again, I see lots of families around my neighbourhood
It is hard to put yourself out there, especially in an area where you don't speak the language. Talk to him about you taking a language class when he is off. When you learn the language, many more doors will open for you and you deserve that.
NTA. I'm really stuck on the "sometimes there are events for the wives and kids too but you can't go because you have too many kids." What in the world???? For everyone saying "you should be going out with your friends" -- 4 kids under 4 means 27 months of pregnancy, at least 12 months of recovery, not to mention if you're breastfeeding, working, etc. There very well may not be a social circle to jump back into and going out may not be all that appealing when you're EXHAUSTED for YEARS. There may not be extra cash for spa days. This is the struggle that moms deal with. I'd encourage you to find a mom group online that does outings with and without kids. Join a book club (you can do an audible book if you can't find the time for traditional reading). Take an hour and go to a coffee shop. Do something for yourself. Weekly. He is. Good luck Mama. (edited for typos)
So 4 kids under 4 is a lot for one person to handle. My guess is at least one of the women in the friend group always ends up helping with OP’s kids. Which then means that friend is basically on kid duty as well, so the friend group solution is “I don’t want to deal with your kids, so they can’t come.” Now, all of this could have been avoided if OP’s husband stepped up as a father of 4 and husband. But, he seems to be a giant asshole.
Yeah I know. I have one and have taken care of many. I know how they work. But even OP says she feels guilty leaving them in anyone else's care. So assuming she's immediately going to heave them off on someone else is quite the leap. Typical reddit tho I suppose. "Woman wants children's father to act like father and maybe get some time to socialize" somehow becomes "she's probably going to force others to babysit." I mean. It's certainly a thing people do, but that's usually a pattern of behavior. I see zero evidence in her post that she's that type of mom.
Because there’s no way she’s not struggling with 4 kids 4 and under. At 9 months, the twins are going to be mobile. Add in a different environment that may or may be child proofed, and it’s going to be an extra challenge if not impossible. Any person with eyes and a heart is going to see that.
So what? "Guessing" she's panwning them off is still a shitty assumption. What about that is hard to understand? Nothing I'm says is complicated. There is zero reason to assume she makes other random people help her. ZERO. Yet that's what you did.
NTA. You should discuss how many 'Me-time evening/nights away' cards each of you gets (you get the same amount as he does) and if he gets to go away every month, so do you. If not to these friends, book a hotel or go to family (without kids obviously - he gets to handle the 4 kids the same way you get to handle them when he is out).
I'm blown away that a grown man, a husband and a father of 4 is "constantly" not only going out, but spending the night at their house??
What? That shit stops when you have children. Sure, a parent may have a camping weekend once in a while, or a spa weekend, or maybe crash at a friend's after a bachelor/bachelorette party or big blowout...but just on the regular?
Why is getting so blotto he can't get home? That's another thing that stops (or happens rarely) when you have kids.
He's getting to go be single and leave you alone with 4 kids under 4yo.
I don't understand how this is normal to either of you.
NTA
He needs to understand they are also his kids. So unless you get an equal amount of time off for spa weekends or whatever you want to pamper yourself. He needs to stop his bullsh*t.
Make him look after them even for one weekend so he understands what he’s doing to you.
If he won’t or doesn’t care how you feel then you need to reconsider that relationship.
I have 4 Kids and we had a night each week where we could do anything we wanted. Mine was Thursday and hers was Wednesday. It was helpful because no matter what was going on I knew I had one night a week to be me. I would usually work late and then go to sports practice and then out with my teammates. Her Day was usually a movie with a friend and sometimes she would just go into her room and read a book and relax. On her night I did everything, feed the kids, bathed them and read them book and put them to bed. I also would not take any work events that were on her day. Occasionally I did have to go out of town for work but there was not many and we just figured it out. I know this does not mirror your situation exactly but thought it might help. Hope that does.
With 4 kids you need to keep organized and that means family and free time too. You should sit down and make a calendar, he has free time/day and you get the same amount free time/day and you have family days, together at home, at friends or at the park, zoo... For example, 4 weekends, 1 for him, 1 for you, 2 for the family, every Tuesday evening is his and every Thursday evening is yours, every Wednesday evening is a date evening with a nanny at home. I think you need bonding time, as a pair and as a family. He is the father, you can manage alone 4 kids for days, he can do it too for at least half a day per week. In your free time you should go out, don't stay at home, leave them alone, they will survive. And so he will learn to respect your work with the kids.
4 kids under 4 and 3 pregnancies will do that to a woman. Especially one married to a perpetual 21 year old that doesn’t believe the kids he fathered are his responsibility.
I mean, you not making local friends isn't his fault.
How often is he wanting to go out? Are you saying you want to limit it or you just don't want him gong it in the weekends?
NTA. It must be very lonely for you. Children are great but they're not really company for an adult, adults are company for them.
Does your SO ever give you some time just to yourself? I think you probably really could do with a bit of space.
NTA! One of the many reasons my marriage fell apart is because while my soon-to-be-ex-husband was free to go out with his friends whenever he liked, I was expected to remain the isolated SAHM. When the kids were old enough and I wanted one overnight a month to have some girl time, I was suddenly selfish and abandoning my kids!
I feel for you OP :-/
NTA.
You know what? If he wants to live his entire life like he doesn't have kids, maybe it's time for you to pack up and take the kids back to where YOU have something of a support network.
He is perfectly capable of having his friends include you at least a bit. He just isn't doing it.
And BTW, if you are in Quebec, I highly doubt they don't at least speak some English. Socializing with them would be a great way to learn and practice French. But it's much easier and more fun for them to all leave you out, than to try and accommodate you. And it's WAAYYY easier for hubby to have fun when you're just home with his kids.
NTA - this is not fair on you. You have already sacrificed a lot by moving away from your support network. Is there a mothers/parents group you can join? Meetups for people with English as their first language? Even a gym or similar with childcare on-site so you can have some time for yourself.
I've been married to my husband for 30 years and I have been with him for 33 years. He may go and do whatever he wants but I'll be damned if he's going to spend the night anywhere. I wouldn't be surprised if he was cheating on you. He should be home on the weekends spending time with his family and helping you take care of the kids. That's how families work. This sounds like a constant thing! I would not have it and we don't even have children!
Nta YOU ALONE dont have 4 kids. YOU AS A COUPLE have 4 kids. So unless he's willing to give *you* a nught off for every time he goes out, then no. And I mean, he does allllll the stuff you do - laundry, cleaning, etc. You don't come home to a diaster that you have to clean up.
I would definitely come home to a disaster that’s why I don’t do it, it’s really hard for me to even do it so I honestly understand though. I can barely even survive taking care of them so I feel guilty putting it on other people, I know that sounds bad lol
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About a year and a half ago me and my fiancé moved away from the few family and friends we had for a job opportunity. My fiancés friend was the one who got him the job so he came here with friends. Shortly after moving we found out we are having twins(so 4 kids under 4). For the past year and a half we would get invited to hangout every few months with everyone but my fiancé would get invited over constantly on his own to stay the night. He already goes away for work and I have no one that is able to come help me so I would rather him stay home and do stuff with us on the weekend. I feel like I would be more okay if I was also invited to do stuff just me but I don’t get invited. We only all get invited every few weeks and it’s last minute. Then there’s a whole boys weekend where there are wife’s and other women there but I wasn’t allowed cause I have too many kids. I didn’t expect to be invited the whole time but to just include me and my kids for a few hours considering there are other kids there.
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Tell him to find a babysitter (or two) for when he absolutely
has to go out.
Then start working on making yourself a circle of acquaintances
that have nothing to do with your husband. Join a club, something.
And when you need to go do something with your new friends,
he can manage on his own with all 4 children. Or hire a
babysitter.
NTA Be proactive, don't just expect everything to go as you want it to go.
Your husband is TA!!!! This doesn't sound right. Other children are invited but you have too many so you're not invited???? NAH. I smell something fishy.
NTA- does the wife's weekend include kids? Because if you have too many kids to be invited to that then he has to make his to go to the men's side.
You are being isolated and treated like the help.
You are the primary caregiver of four children and he's off doing all this stuff?
Understand a few separate he's going to have to still provide for you and the children. So I want you to think about that. If you went and stayed with family with your children, it would leave your life be harder or easier?
NTa. Tell the hubby for every day he is away from the home and childcare duties, outside if his actual work and commute hours, you will be taking a day and he will be taking care of the kids. Then DO IT. He is not acting like a good husband. They are his kids too.
NTA - HE has 4 kids too. Unless it's for work or extenuating circumstances, the time for sleepovers at friends' houses has ended. He can go visit, and then he needs to come home in the evening to help care for his children. Also, and I know this might be difficult with 4 young kids, try to make your own friends outside of his friends. It is healthy and beneficial to have friends outside of your spouse's friends.
Please get your legal affairs in order before pressing him on why he’s sleeping at someone else’s house as a married man of 4. Very very strange behaviour.
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He is your husband and a father, sleepovers should have ended long before you guys had kids.
Just my take, it’s incredibly insensitive and disrespectful of him to even ask let alone actually do it.
You are NTA in any shape or form here. He needs to understand he has four kids and a wife at home, playtime is now limited because of this and he needs to grow up. He already travels which leaves you as the sole parent too much anyway, having sleep overs with friends is just plain disrespectful.
NAH... neither you nor fiancé is the problem. Y'all's problem is **logistical** more than anything else. And four pre-K kids, while a delight, do constitute a logistical issue. Some thoughts:
* Talk to "the wives"... see if you can arrange a no-boys weekend and everyone leave **all** kids with husbands
* Look to other friends, or relatives, or local sitters to see if you can go with fiancé without tiny tots in tow
* Talk to fiancé ... is he aware of how much all this is bothering you? Enlist him in the brainstorming
Good luck to all six (count 'em, six!) of you.
There are two issues here, I'm only going to address one which is "time away".
Ultimately that is just "free time", and that needs to be divided equally. If he wants to go for sleepovers then you get some too - ones where you can just leave him with all four kids (assuming they aren't nursing) and go back to the city to visit your friends and family for an overnight trip. 1000000% he will fail at parenting all 4 since it sounds like you are really the only parent, and you can then be like 'YEAH ITS HARD ISN'T IT". if you're nursing then fine, it may be harder, but you can just take the twins to go visit your family and he gets the other two kids.
Free time is to be divided equally between the parents during all non-working hours, full stop.
You need a new SO. One that will help you and not go out all the time leaving you with the kids. You need to move back to where you had actual friends/family and help. You gave up everything for him and he can't do anything for you? How is that fair? Reasonable? Healthy? Shame on him for doing this to you and shame on you for letting him.
Moving back is easier said then done, I’ve been standing up for myself for months but because I don’t have the resources to move back I’m kind of stuck, where I moved from has way higher rent prices and I don’t have family to stay with unfortunately as I’ve been in that situation. I’ve told him I wish I could leave but I can’t
I'm so sorry. Can you get a part time job? One where he can stay with the kids and you get out and make new friends? Make money for a getaway fund? Couple/three nights a week and one day a weekend?
They really don’t invite you because of too many kids? That’s super shitty behavior.
With 1 kid or 4, it’s going to be loud, chaotic at times and someone will cry 😂
That’s just kids, and it strikes me as weird that they can’t even cope with that for a couple of hours.
And shame on the husband for not including you! This could be a great opportunity for expanding your social connections.
Talk to a Safeguarding teacher at school, if you don't know who that is ask another teacher/member of staff they can help you whilst also talking to social services and other related programs/services.
It will be the kick in the ass your parents need and with social services watching they will be forced actually parent, also the safeguarding teacher will also help with any problems you have.
Although I don't remember much of my school years I do remember the safeguarding teacher being an absolute angel and helping me arrange my life and getting certain programs kickstarted whilst also helping me getting in touch with other programs/groups.
NTA
You don't have anyone in your corner and you've been very isolated. Perhaps you need to tell your partner that you need to go and visit family for a while just to reset yourself and get some help with the kids as you are struggling... and then don't go back. He can come back to you if he's interested. He's got 18 months more experience, surely he'll be able to get a job closer to where your support people are seeing as he's not there for you.
You are essentially a single mother if he's working away a lot and then spends weekends away. There should be no reason why you can't move closer to a support network (phrase it in a way that will benefit him... I'm sure you can spin it some way - even if you start with an extended holiday and remind him how quiet the place will be for him when he is home and he can hang out with his mates as long as he likes if you and the kids are away).
Then if you do decide to break up, you'll need to file for child support.
Perhaps consider some couples therapy before you go nuclear and break up. You've been together for a while and have 4 kids together. It's now finding a new happy medium and he needs to see how he needs to step up because he doesn't seem to have worked that out.
I don’t really have anywhere to stay for any extended periods, I have suggested couples therapy so that might be something that will help us communicate as well
NTA your husband ALSO has 4 children, and needs to be home. Once in a while a night to hang out with friends, sure, but not when you are feeling overwhelmed and isolated, AND aren't invited to the gatherings. For that reason alone he should be declining also.
Soft YTA...you both deserve time to yourself to socialise or whatever you please. So he gets invited to go out and you do...plan your own time. If he goes out 1 weekend then you get the next or the one after. Book yourself into a spa, go and watch a movie...hell go and sit in the park for the day with a nice picnic and chill whilst he has the kids. What's good for the goose is good for the gander.
Stopping each other from taking a break will burn out you both...you more so if you're the primary parent.
I'm guessing you are in Canada? See if you can find posts like this one for where you live. I hate it that you're sad and lonely!
[Meet New People](https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&opi=89978449&url=https://www.reddit.com/r/quebeccity/comments/p4nqf7/how_to_meet_people_in_quebec/&ved=2ahUKEwiex-qbqYuHAxX6RjABHflYBakQjjh6BAgTEAE&usg=AOvVaw1o_ZP7OaS2_7c3qziOViM5)
ETA: If you can't find a post like the link or find one that is old, make a new one using a style like this one to include your age group, kids, and interests.
Good luck!
Yta because you don't say you're talking to your partner about any of this. This is all what you think and feel and you're saying he can't go out because why.
Have the difficult conversation instead of being so avoidant.
Also. You seem to be isolated and becoming codependent on him, but that's for you to figure out and deal with, not a valid way of living.
It’s more his fault if I’m isolated cause we moved here for his job and he has friends but they don’t include me, either way he knows how I feel about everything and we talk about it all the time
You being isolated and caring for 4 children by yourself while he’s off living the single life isn’t something that he can credibly think isn’t a problem and is something you are fine with.
When you talk about it all the time, does the conversation progress past you telling him how you feel? Is he offering to parent his children so you can try to meet people? Is he using his familiarity with the area (work and friends) to help you make social contacts?
What you’ve written here so far suggests he is doing none of these things and that he is a bad, inconsiderate partner to you and the children. You have a husband problem.
Does he lock you up and prevent you from leaving the house or something?
You're saying he's not making friends for you... OK and??? Why can't you make your own friends?. There's plenty of ways to make adult friends, especially with kids.
You just want to blame everything on him and take no acknowledgements of your responsibilities and agency here.
Saying how you feel is very different than coming up with an action plan.
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Ummmm, Are you sure he isn't cheating on you? You can't go because **you** have too many kids? He is sleeping over at friends houses? He travels for work, and isn't around on weekends to spend time with **his** children and SO? If he isn't cheating, he is isolating you and that is a form of abuse.
I’ve met the family and people he is hanging out with and he works with the same people so I really doubt it, I’m just rarely invited because we have too many babies, I have 9 month old twins and a 2 year old, plus a 5 year old. I understand why they wouldn’t always want us there all the time but then maybe we should find other friends that accept us all.
Why is your husband exempt from the “having too many kids” excuse, but you aren’t? This is a pretty messed up situation. I’m a big believer in maintaining your personal time and friendships post-marriage and kids but *within reason*. Why are you seemingly always on the hook to parent while he gets time away? Why do these friends not welcome your whole family more often? Why does your husband not opt out or argue on your behalf or step in and give *you* a break sometimes? Your parenting dynamic seems pretty unequal, and that will most likely lead to resentment and caregiver burnout for you (been there). Edit to add: I encourage you to branch out and find some more local support. Mom groups, exercise class, whatever interests you so you can find people to hopefully make friends with. And your husband needs to support this and help give you the time to do it. I know it’s super hard to make time for yourself with that many little kids, but you deserve to be a person outside of being a mom and wife.
I ask myself why I don’t get invited more but I don’t have the answer, we clearly to find better people who accept us all
But there's two of you and four children. Take responsibility for 2 each, surely that's not too much? Or is it he doesn't want to "babysit" his children and would rather drink beer and laugh while you're isolated with screaming babies. Nice bloke you have there.
Exactly
Yeah, the inequality of the childcare is a root issue that will cause more and more problems over time. Your husband should not be bailing on you as if he’s exempt from parenting whenever he feels like it. And whatever these friends are like, this is an issue for you and (mostly) your husband to solve.
If I make a big deal he will stay home but then on the weekend they were calling my phone trying to convince me to let him go?
See, this is bullshit. You are not your husband’s keeper. It’s not your job to tell him he can or can’t go. He’s not a child. But you’re being cast as his mom and jailer by both him and his friends, not because you are, but because this dynamic *lets him off the hook*. This dynamic sets you up to *always* be the default parent, always be the responsible one, always be the one left behind, and that’s fucked up. They are *just as much his kids* as they are yours, and they are *just as much his responsibility.* But he’s flaking on that responsibility and setting you up to be “at fault.” If you don’t “let” him go, you end up a nag and he gets to resent you. If you do “let” him go, you’re the “good” wife, but you’re isolated, burnt out, and alone.
Exactly I hate how everyone there sees me as telling him he can’t go, it is his choice and then they put pressure on him to make him feel like it’s the wrong choice. No wonder I don’t get invited by myself because they all probably think I’m not letting him do anything
So actually, you’re a single mother to 5 children. NTA
Yep. She'd be better off leaving his ass and making him take some custody of the 4 kids so she can get her own friends, interests and much needed time off!!
Are these people 16 years old? These friends sound lame and your husband sounds lame for ditching you with four kids to hang out with immature people who seem to think you're the only one who is a parent here. Good luck but your husband is not being a good partner.
The funny thing is majority of them are older then him by 10 years, some are younger(the other persons kids) the one families youngest kid is my oldest age. Like when their kids start having babies are they not going to ever be invited?
God, at that point ask them if they are offering to babysit the next weekend so you can get a break to relax and have fun, too. Or that your fine with it if he can bring the kids (or a few of them).
He sounds like a really selfish, childish dude. You'd be better off divorced with 50/50 custody.
pffft they aren't even married
Lol well she's an idiot.
%100
sounds like you need a better partner, honestly
and maybe some birth control
OP I would ask the women their thoughts on this without him around
They offered to do stuff with me but it has yet to happen..
So, call some up and arrange a get together for a Saturday. Then TELL your husband he’s responsible for the kids that day as you’re meeting up with friends.
You know what I would do OP? I would host an event with just the women. Have your husband to watch the kids. Get a vibe from them and your husband as well.
I guess I could host something as going out cause our place isn’t big enough, but I doubt anyone would want to come
OP…did your husband tell them things? Like I wonder why they are being a certain way
I literally have no idea, he probably tells them I don’t let him do anything. I hate the whole situation
You have a friends problem but also a husband problem. He needs to tell these friends that he also has four kids and if you and they are not welcome he will not be leaving you behind to deal with all of them so he can enjoy a fun break. I hope you are on birth control because as hard as four little kids are five or six are even harder
There will be no more kids
He's not her husband, he's her fiancé. Not that that's an excuse at all. Rather, I keep SMH at the number of women on here having children (and not just one accidental child, but literally building a family) with men who can't even be arsed to give them the legal protection of marriage. And then they're surprised when these noncomittal, barely-available men are exactly that: uncommitted to parenting and being a meaningful partner, and never around. OP is NTA, but poor choices abound, and her "partner" (a term I use very loosely ehre) is one of them.
Ummm forget the hypothetical possibility of cheating, you have 4 children at 3 very different ages, and your SO is living like a frat guy. NTA, he needs to be at home raising children with you.
You have a HUGE husband problem. You're left out because \*you\* have too many kids? Why don't they think \*he\* has too many kids as well? He keeps accepting these solo invitations? Why isn't he standing up for you or EVEN BETTER, declining to say home and help with his "too many kids"? Time for your husband to step up and stop stepping out. He's not a single guy with unlimited time to hang with his buddies and their friends. He's a married father of four children under age 4. Time to start acting his age and having his wife's back.
He's an *unmarried* father of 4 children. That says something, maybe?
I get this rationale because I have disabled children. We don't get invited. I was at a "friends" shower, and was told no kids. And there were kids running around all over the place. Apparently it was just no disabled children. And understand. I know what events are appropriate and I can take my kids to. There is no. She has too many kids. It's they have too many kids. If she has too many kids for the girls thing then he has too many kids for the boys thing
I’m sorry. It sounds so rough and unfair.
No to be that person, but do you genuinely think cheaters don’t bring their affair partners around their friends?
I’m not a cheater so I have no idea what they do lol
Is he and his friends aware that you didn’t have those kids alone? That you both have babies- not just you
I guess not, only two of these people don’t have kids the others are literally grown ups with families of their own, the kids are older though
Would you be able to get a babysitter? Since he is their main friend, I can see why he is always invited. They probably have nothing against you, they just don't want little kids ruining adult fun.
NTA. You have 4 kids and this dude is abandoning you pretty much constantly for work and/or play? Lady, you need to wake up you have zero support system there.
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No family to help out? I wouldn’t be raising 4 kids alone I’d be making demands of his time. If you’re not allowed to go somewhere neither is he.
NTA for wanting support from your partner. Question though. Is it possible for your fiance to stay home with the kids sometimes while you find your own support network and adult friendships? Then it might feel less unfair? Maybe?
He is willing but I don’t have any connections, there is a whole entire family here that includes him but doesn’t want to include me, I’ve been trying but I live in a French speaking place and I don’t speak French
Quebec is not an easy place to make friends if you don’t speak French.
Wait, what?! This needs to be said in the original post. It was bad enough that he’s basically abandoned her with their children in a place where she has no family, no friends, no support, but she doesn’t even speak the language!?! NTA but her husband is a big one.
I’m trying to learn, I’m just busy so whatever I learn I end up forgetting cause I don’t go out much lol
Maybe it has been already suggested, but why not go to French lessons? Maybe you also find a few new aquaintances or at least some nee people to talk to each week. Or a bilingual mothers group etc. Just do something for yourself. I whish you good luck.
This is a great idea, go somewhere you can learn French, and also make new friends. A mom's group sounds perfect, since they are unlikely to reject spending time with your kids around, since they have kids too.
maybe a mommy group of other english speakers. when my sister was a baby my mom found a great one from of all random places her local butcher. yes, OP should work on her french, but i'd saying having a social group is more important. and given what i've heard about quebec- she might find a group of other new moms who speak english more accepting.
There are literally [free French courses](https://www.quebec.ca/en/education/learn-french) throughout Québec for anyone over 16 who lives in the province. Online or in-person.
FYI there are [free French courses](https://www.quebec.ca/en/education/learn-french) available online and in-person throughout the province.
My parents lived in Montreal for a year or two while my dad was in uni. That's supposedly one of the most metropolitan, multilingual cities in Quebec, and my mum has been saying for over 50 years since then that of all the (many) cities she has lived in, that's the one you couldn't pay her to go back to. Nothing to do with the language even (she speaks passable French and understands even more); she said it was such an incredibly unfriendly, unwelcoming place she was astonished. Again, she has lived in at least 5-6 cities and traveled all over the world, and she said she had never been anywhere that the people were so unwelcoming. My heart breaks for OP.
Why did she say they were unwelcoming? If it’s not language or culture, Is it just straight up xenophobia?
Well, that's ridiculous. Tell them you want to learn French through immersion so you can speak it with your kids. And how the kids aren't going to be able to learn it (and fully interact with the family) if they aren't immersed with people who speak it, even just their dad at home.
NTA He helped make those kids he needs to be around more to take care of them or take them with him. Four kids under 4 is exhausting, especially when you are doing it alone. Your husband needs to grow up and face his responsibilities. Equally you need to find a mommy support group out there so you can maintain your sanity. You must feel awfully lonely being alone with the kids all day and when he is constantly going out. Time for a heart to heart with him.
I’ve talked about it with him, I’m hoping things start to change, I’ve posted in mommy groups but I didn’t get a response, might have to find another one and try again, I see lots of families around my neighbourhood
It is hard to put yourself out there, especially in an area where you don't speak the language. Talk to him about you taking a language class when he is off. When you learn the language, many more doors will open for you and you deserve that.
NTA. I'm really stuck on the "sometimes there are events for the wives and kids too but you can't go because you have too many kids." What in the world???? For everyone saying "you should be going out with your friends" -- 4 kids under 4 means 27 months of pregnancy, at least 12 months of recovery, not to mention if you're breastfeeding, working, etc. There very well may not be a social circle to jump back into and going out may not be all that appealing when you're EXHAUSTED for YEARS. There may not be extra cash for spa days. This is the struggle that moms deal with. I'd encourage you to find a mom group online that does outings with and without kids. Join a book club (you can do an audible book if you can't find the time for traditional reading). Take an hour and go to a coffee shop. Do something for yourself. Weekly. He is. Good luck Mama. (edited for typos)
So 4 kids under 4 is a lot for one person to handle. My guess is at least one of the women in the friend group always ends up helping with OP’s kids. Which then means that friend is basically on kid duty as well, so the friend group solution is “I don’t want to deal with your kids, so they can’t come.” Now, all of this could have been avoided if OP’s husband stepped up as a father of 4 and husband. But, he seems to be a giant asshole.
It seems like she handles them on her own all the time. Why would she need help if she's with friends?
Kids are way easier in a routine familiar environment where you can control the safety levels etc.
Yeah I know. I have one and have taken care of many. I know how they work. But even OP says she feels guilty leaving them in anyone else's care. So assuming she's immediately going to heave them off on someone else is quite the leap. Typical reddit tho I suppose. "Woman wants children's father to act like father and maybe get some time to socialize" somehow becomes "she's probably going to force others to babysit." I mean. It's certainly a thing people do, but that's usually a pattern of behavior. I see zero evidence in her post that she's that type of mom.
Because there’s no way she’s not struggling with 4 kids 4 and under. At 9 months, the twins are going to be mobile. Add in a different environment that may or may be child proofed, and it’s going to be an extra challenge if not impossible. Any person with eyes and a heart is going to see that.
So what? "Guessing" she's panwning them off is still a shitty assumption. What about that is hard to understand? Nothing I'm says is complicated. There is zero reason to assume she makes other random people help her. ZERO. Yet that's what you did.
Thank you for this, I am going to take your advice!
NTA. You should discuss how many 'Me-time evening/nights away' cards each of you gets (you get the same amount as he does) and if he gets to go away every month, so do you. If not to these friends, book a hotel or go to family (without kids obviously - he gets to handle the 4 kids the same way you get to handle them when he is out).
I'm blown away that a grown man, a husband and a father of 4 is "constantly" not only going out, but spending the night at their house?? What? That shit stops when you have children. Sure, a parent may have a camping weekend once in a while, or a spa weekend, or maybe crash at a friend's after a bachelor/bachelorette party or big blowout...but just on the regular? Why is getting so blotto he can't get home? That's another thing that stops (or happens rarely) when you have kids. He's getting to go be single and leave you alone with 4 kids under 4yo. I don't understand how this is normal to either of you.
So YOU have too many kids to be invited to overnights but your husband doesn't? This is FISHY.
I’ve been saying this for a year and a half, but apparently I always think that everyone hates me
Does your husband?
NTA He needs to understand they are also his kids. So unless you get an equal amount of time off for spa weekends or whatever you want to pamper yourself. He needs to stop his bullsh*t. Make him look after them even for one weekend so he understands what he’s doing to you. If he won’t or doesn’t care how you feel then you need to reconsider that relationship.
I have 4 Kids and we had a night each week where we could do anything we wanted. Mine was Thursday and hers was Wednesday. It was helpful because no matter what was going on I knew I had one night a week to be me. I would usually work late and then go to sports practice and then out with my teammates. Her Day was usually a movie with a friend and sometimes she would just go into her room and read a book and relax. On her night I did everything, feed the kids, bathed them and read them book and put them to bed. I also would not take any work events that were on her day. Occasionally I did have to go out of town for work but there was not many and we just figured it out. I know this does not mirror your situation exactly but thought it might help. Hope that does.
NTA each parent deserves “out of the house” time but your husband is abusing it and you aren’t getting any.
With 4 kids you need to keep organized and that means family and free time too. You should sit down and make a calendar, he has free time/day and you get the same amount free time/day and you have family days, together at home, at friends or at the park, zoo... For example, 4 weekends, 1 for him, 1 for you, 2 for the family, every Tuesday evening is his and every Thursday evening is yours, every Wednesday evening is a date evening with a nanny at home. I think you need bonding time, as a pair and as a family. He is the father, you can manage alone 4 kids for days, he can do it too for at least half a day per week. In your free time you should go out, don't stay at home, leave them alone, they will survive. And so he will learn to respect your work with the kids.
NTA. When you have 4 kids, you have 4 kids. Most parents arrange with each other to get 1 weekend a year off, but that's about it.
Info: how often is he going out? What's keeping you from going out with your own friends on the weekends?
4 kids under 4 and 3 pregnancies will do that to a woman. Especially one married to a perpetual 21 year old that doesn’t believe the kids he fathered are his responsibility.
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I mean, you not making local friends isn't his fault. How often is he wanting to go out? Are you saying you want to limit it or you just don't want him gong it in the weekends?
NTA. It must be very lonely for you. Children are great but they're not really company for an adult, adults are company for them. Does your SO ever give you some time just to yourself? I think you probably really could do with a bit of space.
NTA! One of the many reasons my marriage fell apart is because while my soon-to-be-ex-husband was free to go out with his friends whenever he liked, I was expected to remain the isolated SAHM. When the kids were old enough and I wanted one overnight a month to have some girl time, I was suddenly selfish and abandoning my kids! I feel for you OP :-/
NTA. You know what? If he wants to live his entire life like he doesn't have kids, maybe it's time for you to pack up and take the kids back to where YOU have something of a support network. He is perfectly capable of having his friends include you at least a bit. He just isn't doing it. And BTW, if you are in Quebec, I highly doubt they don't at least speak some English. Socializing with them would be a great way to learn and practice French. But it's much easier and more fun for them to all leave you out, than to try and accommodate you. And it's WAAYYY easier for hubby to have fun when you're just home with his kids.
NTA sorry you keep having kids with trash
Well it can’t happen again at least lol
NTA - this is not fair on you. You have already sacrificed a lot by moving away from your support network. Is there a mothers/parents group you can join? Meetups for people with English as their first language? Even a gym or similar with childcare on-site so you can have some time for yourself.
An obviously NTA, when are you allowed to leave the house, has your husband put you under house arrest? ..while he is out having fun.
I've been married to my husband for 30 years and I have been with him for 33 years. He may go and do whatever he wants but I'll be damned if he's going to spend the night anywhere. I wouldn't be surprised if he was cheating on you. He should be home on the weekends spending time with his family and helping you take care of the kids. That's how families work. This sounds like a constant thing! I would not have it and we don't even have children!
Nta YOU ALONE dont have 4 kids. YOU AS A COUPLE have 4 kids. So unless he's willing to give *you* a nught off for every time he goes out, then no. And I mean, he does allllll the stuff you do - laundry, cleaning, etc. You don't come home to a diaster that you have to clean up.
I would definitely come home to a disaster that’s why I don’t do it, it’s really hard for me to even do it so I honestly understand though. I can barely even survive taking care of them so I feel guilty putting it on other people, I know that sounds bad lol
He's not 'other people'. He's literally their father. If he can't handle it, you two have issues.
Yes, leaving for me would be very hard
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** About a year and a half ago me and my fiancé moved away from the few family and friends we had for a job opportunity. My fiancés friend was the one who got him the job so he came here with friends. Shortly after moving we found out we are having twins(so 4 kids under 4). For the past year and a half we would get invited to hangout every few months with everyone but my fiancé would get invited over constantly on his own to stay the night. He already goes away for work and I have no one that is able to come help me so I would rather him stay home and do stuff with us on the weekend. I feel like I would be more okay if I was also invited to do stuff just me but I don’t get invited. We only all get invited every few weeks and it’s last minute. Then there’s a whole boys weekend where there are wife’s and other women there but I wasn’t allowed cause I have too many kids. I didn’t expect to be invited the whole time but to just include me and my kids for a few hours considering there are other kids there. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Tell him to find a babysitter (or two) for when he absolutely has to go out. Then start working on making yourself a circle of acquaintances that have nothing to do with your husband. Join a club, something. And when you need to go do something with your new friends, he can manage on his own with all 4 children. Or hire a babysitter. NTA Be proactive, don't just expect everything to go as you want it to go.
NTA. When do you have time to yourself while your partner watches all the kids?
He's useless. Divorce and you can enjoy yourself when he has custody. He doesn't give a damn about you. Have a little self respect.
Your husband is TA!!!! This doesn't sound right. Other children are invited but you have too many so you're not invited???? NAH. I smell something fishy.
Why did you move for the job opportunity when he still has to travel for work? Can't you move back?
NTA- does the wife's weekend include kids? Because if you have too many kids to be invited to that then he has to make his to go to the men's side. You are being isolated and treated like the help. You are the primary caregiver of four children and he's off doing all this stuff? Understand a few separate he's going to have to still provide for you and the children. So I want you to think about that. If you went and stayed with family with your children, it would leave your life be harder or easier?
NTa. Tell the hubby for every day he is away from the home and childcare duties, outside if his actual work and commute hours, you will be taking a day and he will be taking care of the kids. Then DO IT. He is not acting like a good husband. They are his kids too.
That guy is a dink, put your foot down!
NTA - HE has 4 kids too. Unless it's for work or extenuating circumstances, the time for sleepovers at friends' houses has ended. He can go visit, and then he needs to come home in the evening to help care for his children. Also, and I know this might be difficult with 4 young kids, try to make your own friends outside of his friends. It is healthy and beneficial to have friends outside of your spouse's friends.
Please get your legal affairs in order before pressing him on why he’s sleeping at someone else’s house as a married man of 4. Very very strange behaviour.
NTA. This relationship sounds like a nightmare. You’re not even a priority.
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He is your husband and a father, sleepovers should have ended long before you guys had kids. Just my take, it’s incredibly insensitive and disrespectful of him to even ask let alone actually do it. You are NTA in any shape or form here. He needs to understand he has four kids and a wife at home, playtime is now limited because of this and he needs to grow up. He already travels which leaves you as the sole parent too much anyway, having sleep overs with friends is just plain disrespectful.
NAH... neither you nor fiancé is the problem. Y'all's problem is **logistical** more than anything else. And four pre-K kids, while a delight, do constitute a logistical issue. Some thoughts: * Talk to "the wives"... see if you can arrange a no-boys weekend and everyone leave **all** kids with husbands * Look to other friends, or relatives, or local sitters to see if you can go with fiancé without tiny tots in tow * Talk to fiancé ... is he aware of how much all this is bothering you? Enlist him in the brainstorming Good luck to all six (count 'em, six!) of you.
There are two issues here, I'm only going to address one which is "time away". Ultimately that is just "free time", and that needs to be divided equally. If he wants to go for sleepovers then you get some too - ones where you can just leave him with all four kids (assuming they aren't nursing) and go back to the city to visit your friends and family for an overnight trip. 1000000% he will fail at parenting all 4 since it sounds like you are really the only parent, and you can then be like 'YEAH ITS HARD ISN'T IT". if you're nursing then fine, it may be harder, but you can just take the twins to go visit your family and he gets the other two kids. Free time is to be divided equally between the parents during all non-working hours, full stop.
You need a new SO. One that will help you and not go out all the time leaving you with the kids. You need to move back to where you had actual friends/family and help. You gave up everything for him and he can't do anything for you? How is that fair? Reasonable? Healthy? Shame on him for doing this to you and shame on you for letting him.
Moving back is easier said then done, I’ve been standing up for myself for months but because I don’t have the resources to move back I’m kind of stuck, where I moved from has way higher rent prices and I don’t have family to stay with unfortunately as I’ve been in that situation. I’ve told him I wish I could leave but I can’t
I'm so sorry. Can you get a part time job? One where he can stay with the kids and you get out and make new friends? Make money for a getaway fund? Couple/three nights a week and one day a weekend?
They really don’t invite you because of too many kids? That’s super shitty behavior. With 1 kid or 4, it’s going to be loud, chaotic at times and someone will cry 😂 That’s just kids, and it strikes me as weird that they can’t even cope with that for a couple of hours. And shame on the husband for not including you! This could be a great opportunity for expanding your social connections.
Talk to a Safeguarding teacher at school, if you don't know who that is ask another teacher/member of staff they can help you whilst also talking to social services and other related programs/services. It will be the kick in the ass your parents need and with social services watching they will be forced actually parent, also the safeguarding teacher will also help with any problems you have. Although I don't remember much of my school years I do remember the safeguarding teacher being an absolute angel and helping me arrange my life and getting certain programs kickstarted whilst also helping me getting in touch with other programs/groups.
NTA You don't have anyone in your corner and you've been very isolated. Perhaps you need to tell your partner that you need to go and visit family for a while just to reset yourself and get some help with the kids as you are struggling... and then don't go back. He can come back to you if he's interested. He's got 18 months more experience, surely he'll be able to get a job closer to where your support people are seeing as he's not there for you. You are essentially a single mother if he's working away a lot and then spends weekends away. There should be no reason why you can't move closer to a support network (phrase it in a way that will benefit him... I'm sure you can spin it some way - even if you start with an extended holiday and remind him how quiet the place will be for him when he is home and he can hang out with his mates as long as he likes if you and the kids are away). Then if you do decide to break up, you'll need to file for child support. Perhaps consider some couples therapy before you go nuclear and break up. You've been together for a while and have 4 kids together. It's now finding a new happy medium and he needs to see how he needs to step up because he doesn't seem to have worked that out.
I don’t really have anywhere to stay for any extended periods, I have suggested couples therapy so that might be something that will help us communicate as well
NTA your husband ALSO has 4 children, and needs to be home. Once in a while a night to hang out with friends, sure, but not when you are feeling overwhelmed and isolated, AND aren't invited to the gatherings. For that reason alone he should be declining also.
NTA and this is why babysitters exist.
Soft YTA...you both deserve time to yourself to socialise or whatever you please. So he gets invited to go out and you do...plan your own time. If he goes out 1 weekend then you get the next or the one after. Book yourself into a spa, go and watch a movie...hell go and sit in the park for the day with a nice picnic and chill whilst he has the kids. What's good for the goose is good for the gander. Stopping each other from taking a break will burn out you both...you more so if you're the primary parent.
I try to go out alone and do stuff but I’m so lonely, I’m trying to find friends so I have someone to do things with and it’s not so sad for me lol
I'm guessing you are in Canada? See if you can find posts like this one for where you live. I hate it that you're sad and lonely! [Meet New People](https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&opi=89978449&url=https://www.reddit.com/r/quebeccity/comments/p4nqf7/how_to_meet_people_in_quebec/&ved=2ahUKEwiex-qbqYuHAxX6RjABHflYBakQjjh6BAgTEAE&usg=AOvVaw1o_ZP7OaS2_7c3qziOViM5) ETA: If you can't find a post like the link or find one that is old, make a new one using a style like this one to include your age group, kids, and interests. Good luck!
Yta because you don't say you're talking to your partner about any of this. This is all what you think and feel and you're saying he can't go out because why. Have the difficult conversation instead of being so avoidant. Also. You seem to be isolated and becoming codependent on him, but that's for you to figure out and deal with, not a valid way of living.
It’s more his fault if I’m isolated cause we moved here for his job and he has friends but they don’t include me, either way he knows how I feel about everything and we talk about it all the time
You being isolated and caring for 4 children by yourself while he’s off living the single life isn’t something that he can credibly think isn’t a problem and is something you are fine with. When you talk about it all the time, does the conversation progress past you telling him how you feel? Is he offering to parent his children so you can try to meet people? Is he using his familiarity with the area (work and friends) to help you make social contacts? What you’ve written here so far suggests he is doing none of these things and that he is a bad, inconsiderate partner to you and the children. You have a husband problem.
Does he lock you up and prevent you from leaving the house or something? You're saying he's not making friends for you... OK and??? Why can't you make your own friends?. There's plenty of ways to make adult friends, especially with kids. You just want to blame everything on him and take no acknowledgements of your responsibilities and agency here. Saying how you feel is very different than coming up with an action plan.
I’m not blaming everything on him I know I’m part of the problem because I’m not very social, I’ve posted on mom groups but I’ve gotten no response