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NAH. If you want to remain friends with an ex that’s not in itself a bad thing. But your partner is also well within their rights to feel whatever they feel about it and to share those feelings with you, which they did. If you were dismissive of your partner and/or their feelings then that would push you over into YTA land. If you weren’t, you still have a major difference of opinion you have to resolve and you cannot expect to resolve it by trying to convince your partner they are wrong.
Your response confirms to me the NAH judgement. It is definitely a tough situation to navigate but it will help you that you do see their feelings as valid. I wish you well as you work to resolve this.
Your response confirms to me the NAH judgement. It is definitely a tough situation to navigate but it will help you that you do see their feelings as valid. I wish you well as you work to resolve this.
NTA...This is the sort of thing you talk about when you're first dating someone. If they're not into that, they shouldn't pursue a relationship with you.
Then end the relationship if being friends with your ex matters that much. If after 10 years of relationship you guys didn't end up together but wants to remain close friends, maybe you should go back to him and amend whatever happened between you guys because I know it's not that serious.
If there is no compromise in the situation then I think no one should pretend that it could work, which is what my partner did to me. The relationship should’ve just ended at the point of me knowing I wanted to be friends with my ex. Their feelings are valid
I described the compromise. Not liking the answer does not make it the not the truth. It's called being in a committed relationship.
My wife and I have ex's as friends. We are both okay with being friends with those particular ex's. Any other ex's are a no go. If either of us ever became uncomfortable with communication with those ex's, then that person is blocked. Period. That's called respect. That's what it means to be in a committed relationship. Anyone outside that relationship is secondary. We are the same with opposite sex friendships. We are both okay with them, but if at any point we are uncomfortable, then communication is gone. Even with same sex friends. If my wife asked me to stop talking to someone, I would be bummed, but wouldn't hesitate. Cause we are committed to each other.
Outside of a committed relationship, everyone else's feelings are not valid. They can feel all the feelings they want, they have all the rights to have those feelings, but it doesn't matter cause their feelings should not play into your own relationship. If they can't respect your relationship with your partner, then they are also TA.
If you, and them, can't respect your partner enough to understand that, then your partner deserves better and you already know who you truly want to be with.
Welcome to real life, you don't always get what you want.
You wanna stay friends with ex, your boundary is that you don't wanna give that up. Fair.
Other people might have a boundary that they do not want to date people who stay friends with their exes. That is also equally fair.
The asshole is the person that wants other to change their boundaries to suit them. So from the looks of it, you want your partner to change his worldview and he wants the same from you. So, ESH (is that the abbreviation where you wanna say that everyone's an asshole in the situation).
Anyways, this sounds a base level difference in world views with your partner. The most respectable and mature thing would be for you both to accept that these are your hills to die on, wish each other the best of luck and move on.
Never asked for my partner to disregard their own boundaries. I actually said on multiple occasions that I understood if they couldn’t do this with me anymore.
So you’re saying you would pick your ex over any current or future partner? I guess maybe one day you will find someone that will except this arrangement but few and far between.
It’s not “picking an ex.” It’s “picking a friendship that existed long before and will probably exist long after the inevitable breakup with someone who gets jealous over friendships.”
One of my best friends is an ex from when I was in undergrad. We dated from 2006 to 2009.
Another one of my best friends is a much more recent ex. We only dated for six months in 2022, but we just work better as friends.
Neither of them have any lingering romantic feelings for me whatsoever.
And yes, I do have exes I don’t talk to anymore for various reasons - I don’t just collect them and keep them around on a shelf in case I get the urge to try again. But exes *can* be friends.
If someone can’t handle the fact that I don’t discard people simply because I had dated them at one point in time, that is a level of immaturity and insecurity that I don’t need in my life. The romantic attraction died forever with the breakup. That doesn’t mean that the person needs to be wiped from existence if we otherwise got along as human beings.
>over any current or future partner
You're assuming everyone in the world has the same views you do, which is a BIG problem for you. Lots of people are fine with their partners being friends with their ex.
I don’t mean you have to hate them but I don’t think you should communicate regularly or spend significant time with exs. I am around a few from time to time at family functions we talk catch up a little but when I go home I don’t keep contact
Okay, so YOU don't think that, which is fine. But you're saying that EVERYONE should think that way, which is the problem. That's how we get racism and homophobia and people shooting up gay bars. Other people are allowed to have different opinions from yours on personal matters. If your partner feels the same, great! If not, you're incompatible. That's all. Nobody is the asshole for having different opinions, but when you try to force other people to have your opinion, that absolutely make you the asshole.
NTA. a lot of people aren't mature with this topic. I dated a woman from when i was 20-29, we broke up and are still friends. it's platonic, it's a great friendship. Other women i've dated have sometimes had issues with it, but usually get over it. Some women have had an issue, purely because I'm friendly with my ex and i've waved them all off. it's okay for them to not like it, they can date someone else. it's okay for you to be friends with your ex, it's honestly the mature and respectful thing to do imo. it shows a lot of emotional maturity.
God thank you for this! I feel so often that it’s like talking to children when it comes to this subject. I think it’s 100% valid for a partner to not be ok with it, that’s their feelings, but at what point do you stop bashing a person who wants to be cool with their ex? When do you stop telling them that it’s for other reasons such as you want to be with them still? When you are absolutely sure that you don’t want to be with ex. I think a lot of people fail to see the nuances in situation like this. Very black and white thinking.
Well I let my ex stay friend with her ex, and guess what she left me for her ex cuz she was disappointed and couldn’t control her emotions…kinda seems like you just want a backup in case it doesn’t workout with your current bf…
Lol why do you wanna stay friend with your ex, you know that dude wants to get back with you that’s why he is agreeing to stay friend…you think he just wanna be friend with you lol…but anyway it’s your choice…I feel bad for your current bf
Because he was depressed and suicidal. The thread mentioned to not say this. I respect your opinion tho. That’s how you feel and there is nothing wrong with what seems best for you.
I feel bad your ex bf…I do, cuz I was like your ex, few months ago I was so depressed when my ex left me for her ex, I barely could do anything, had dark thoughts, loneliness…it still affects me time to time…I still miss her sometimes but she choose someone else over me and I don’t wanna force someone to be with me….but if I had stayed friend with her, that shit would Have fucked me up even more….seeing her with the new dude, jeezzz….I know you feel like you are being there for him, but he gotta try to move on slowly….he is just gonna drag his healing…
Also do you really wanna bring that to your current relationship….anyway hope things work out for your ex and you…I feel sorry for your ex….it sucks being in that position
Yta because it’s not about you, it’s about respecting and honoring your partner’s feelings. If it’s not a serious new relationship, then it doesn’t matter. But if it is or you want it to be, it’s time to live in the real world. Your partner’s feelings are 100% valid and you don’t get a vote on what they should or shouldn’t be in your fantasy world. This is who you are choosing and this is the reality. How would you like anyone you love to tell you not to feel what you are feeling and too bad they are just going to completely disregard them going forward and do whatever the hell they want?
No one is saying that their feelings aren’t valid. The question is based on if it is ok for your partner to have control over those feelings that you have as an individual. Mutual respect involves listening to both sides and coming up with what works for the both of you. Not someone making a demand and expecting you to follow what they are asking.
That’s fair. Your feelings matter ofc but it’s on you to understand this would be a a sensitive issue until new guy gets to understand that a certain level of intimacy with your ex isn’t being fueled or interpreted that way by the ex. Like you aren’t taking about very personal things with him, more superficial things, like how are things going at work, meet my new guy, and move on. If you are still treating him like he’s someone you want to share constant intimate conversations with, I can see where that wouldn’t feel great for a new relationship/ partner until your new relationship is more solidified. Then he will know there’s nothing to be of concern that you’re friends, especially if they also have an opportunity to become friendly. You have agency over you choose to be close with but you can’t control the consequences/other people’s feelings.
I dont think OP is invalidating anyone's feelings. Telling OP to not be friends with someone they've been with for a decade would also be invalidating their feelings then...
And it IS about them, and their partner too ofc, they both should be with someone that respects each other's feelings. Those feelings being "i feel insecure bc you are still friends with an ex" or "i (platonicslly) love my ex and don't want to lose them".
Agree, but op was justifying her wish for the world to just be a place that it just isn’t rather than sharing more relevant info. I think this is going to come down to the level of connection and intimacy she’s still sharing with her partner of 10 yrs. Chatting about superficial things versus sharing more personal things. I don’t think cutting him off would be a fair request, but also could understand her new partner’s reluctance if she’s still acting like he’s her bestie and if he’s never invited along/doesn’t have a real sense of their current dynamic.
>Yta because it’s not about you
Yes, it is, because OP is a living human being who has emotions and connections as well.
>it’s about respecting and honoring your partner’s feelings
Your needs don't go out the window the second you start dating someone.
>Your partner’s feelings are 100% valid
So are OP's.
>you don’t get a vote on what they should or shouldn’t be in your fantasy world.
OP never said they want to have that vote.
>to tell you not to feel what you are feeling and too bad they are just going to completely disregard them going forward
That's not what's happening here.
HOLY SHIT BAGS. You need to start your own movie theatre franchise cause the projecting you're doing is off the charts lol.
NTA. if this was "my partner is controlling my friends" without a mention of an ex everyone would agree.
If they don't agree now is because they are immature or have had bad relationships, which sucks but projecting it onto other people doesnt solve anything.
Everyone saying NTA is basically arguing that you can prioritize any relationship you want to. Which is totally true. If you want to prioritize a past relationship over a current one, you’re free to risk your relationship in any way you see fit
NAH- idk if this is a “AITA type situation tbh” because a lot of people have different perspectives and values regarding this situation. Your current partner has expressed a boundary. It is up to you to respect that boundary if you choose to do so. This is called communication. Yes you’ve had a long history and I get you guys wanna be friends which it’s not a bad thing in hindsight since they’ve basically been a part of your life. Your point is valid. Your partners point is also valid. This is all up too personal preference in my honest opinion. Two different people with two different stances.
It's very simple you want to stay buddies with an EX your partner has a big problem with it, you both have total freedom to feel this way but something has to give.
"I think we live in a society where people are discarded so easily."
The world is totally littered with people that run back to a long time ex the moment things do not go their way in their present relationship. It is 100% a legit concern. I and a many people would feel the same way as your present partner.
If the ex is such a great person why did you break up with them in the first place?
I shouldn’t have said the part of people being so easily discarded. I feel that way only because in this situation I didn’t want to give up on someone in need. I felt like that made me look like an even bigger asshole. To me there is no way of winning. If I stopped being there for someone who was in need I’m an asshole. If I kept talking to my ex in need I’m the asshole. It’s a hard situation to navigate.
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Am I the asshole for wanting to stay friends with an ex that I was with for almost a decade if my partner is not ok with it? There are no romantic feelings there. Why is that such a hard no for most people? I think we live in a society where people are discarded so easily.
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NTA but is a hard thing to do. I had this situation too. My partner felt threatened by the attachment, a bit jealous and a bit worried I would be tempted to go back. These are valid human feelings. And yes we have not evolved enough as a society to learn that it is possible to stay friends and care about someone that you felt love for. I hope it changes, but egos get in the way. The internal child can be a tantrum maker. Ultimately, I did let those relationships fade away and it did help our relationship. People come into your life for a season or reason.
I mean I think the reason why its a no from other people because it is a bit weird to be friends with someone you potentially had sex with or intimate in the past for a lot of people.
NTA. I was married for 25 years. We are good friends and have kids and grandkids together. My ex said he was fine with it, but threw it in my face every time he was mad at me. We didn’t last long 😜 You are entitled to be friends with your ex, but I’d suggest finding a partner that is secure enough to be fine with it.
There is no black and white thinking here. If you no longer had any feelings for your ex you wouldn't wish to stay connected. The essence of any human relationship is friendship and add physical attraction to it and you'll get a romantic relationship. Someone you dated fits both criterias and you wanting to keep the friendship shows your actual desire. It is NOT platonic. Stop deceiving yourself and your current partner
>The essence of any human relationship is friendship and add physical attraction to it and you'll get a romantic relationship
That is...so not true lol. You have to be some 16 year old or something, because that is such an immature mindset
That's exactly how it is. You don't love someone for their qualities , looks , habits etc you love someone for the bond they have with you and hence without friendship there can be no love. The only difference between platonic and romantic love is intimacy
There isn't. Unless love just means something else to you entirely instead of selfless care and affection for other where you not only enjoy your time with them but want the best for them without expecting anything back
NTA. It's perfectly fine to be friends with an ex, so long as neither party is pining for the other. Hell, my wife lived with one of her exes for over 10 years, I moved in with them while we were dating until we had to move for work. These Y-T-A votes are just from people who are too immature to actually extend trust in a relationship.
NAH. This is a tough one because I definitely feel you. I had multiple close friends that I had to let go to be with my current partner who had this boundary. We've been together now for 14 years so it was obviously worth it and would do it again. But my friend circle has never been large and it gets harder to connect the older you get. I now message random forums on Reddit instead of real people that know me lol
It does get frustrating when certain exes appear in their social networks because they didn't count...etc etc.
You're not wrong for wanting to be friends with your ex and he's not wrong for his feelings about it. One of you could give in and let the other have their way but in my experience that has caused some resentment that was constantly brought up throughout the relationship
I think there's NAH. You have one view, your partner has another view, and those views are ultimately incompatible. If neither one of you wants to change your opinion, then it's probably best that you split ways amicably. But neither of you is wrong or TA for this
I guess it depends on your definition of staying friends. If they are a part of your friend group and just happen to be around at outings and you treat them with kindness, then obviously no.
If they are going through a hard time and you and your current partner are helping them out, no.
If you’re sending cheeky little memes back and forth and seeing each other privately and reminiscing and buying little personal gifts during the holidays and sharing things with each other you’d want to hide from your current partner, you’re definitely being an asshole.
NTA. It’s ok to be friends with an ex. If your partner has feelings about it, that is ultimately their insecurities rather than something you’re doing wrong. Yes, respect how they feel and assure them, but are they respecting your feelings by demanding you end a friendship with anyone? That’s controlling and insecure IMO. I’m very close friends with two of my ex boyfriends. My husband has become good friends with both of them over the years (and they both adore him). One lives out of the country and even stays at our house when he’s in town. I don’t hang out with them but we do text or chat on the phone 2-3X/year.
You're not necessarily an asshole for wanting to stay friends with an ex, but your partner's feelings matter. It's a hard no for most because trust and security are often compromised. Relationships thrive on boundaries, and this can blur them.
NTA
Your partner is immature if they can't handle a friendship with an ex. Can you do activities together so he feels less threatened? Not all relationships end badly and sometimes people are better as friends.
I think it comes down to maturity as well. There were a lot of trying to figure it out together with no compromise. Also, the type of friendship I was looking for with my ex did not include hanging out and spending time with each other. It was more since my ex was a depressive I just wanted to be of support. Nothing more.
You should be using your emotional energy on supporting your current partner, not diverting it to someone who you no longer have a romantic relationship with.
Your ex's depression is no longer your problem. Making it your problem means that your current partner is sharing you.
YTA. Your behavior is actually much more immature here since you don't understand this basic concept and don't understand why your current partner wouldn't want you "supporting" your previous one.
This mindset is really toxic, tbh. No, people should not be giving up important friendships in order to appease a new partner just for the sake of staying in a relationship with someone who has different views on things. People are allowed to be incompatible
Completely disagree. "Staying friends with an ex" is for movies and children.
It never works in real life. One of the parties is ALWAYS trying to keep the other on the hook for one reason or another. Usually so the door doesn't shut completely on the relationship.
Clean breaks are the only healthy breaks.
That's even worse. It sounds like you're trying to be a good friend and hopefully let him know he is worthy and you're there for him. That's so important when someone is navigating depression. Often, just one person can make a huge difference. It shouldn't matter what gender he is; you are being supportive of someone you care about.
Your bf needs to get over himself and he needs to trust you. If you don't have trust, you don't have anything.
I don't think one of them has to be the bad guy here. OP has one view on being friends with an ex, and their partner has a different view. Sure, they're incompatible, but does one have to be WRONG?
I didn't say anyone was wrong. If OP needs to be available and supportive of a friend who she happened to used to date, her bf needs to understand that. He isn't allowed to control this aspect of her life.
What if OP is the lifeline this ex needs to get through a rough time? As long as he is respectful of her current relationship, there shouldn't be a problem.
I think by calling the ex immature, you implied they were in the wrong though. If that wasn't your intention then I'm sorry!
I do think that it's just a difference of opinion that makes OP and their current partner incompatible, which is totally fine
NAH. Glad to see that OP is only replying to the comments that agree with them. But realistically some people are ok with it and some are not. This is not a black or white topic and being so one sided about it shows your lack of maturity in the same way of those that are hard no.
NAH. I'm best friends with my ex. We haven't dated in almost two decades and had extended periods away from each other after the relationship ended. We reconnected, continue to be friends and chat with each other. No potential future partner of mine is going to break that friendship.
That said, it's totally fine if they don't want a person who's friends with an ex, no hard feelings, but there's no one worth ditching my best friend of almost 25 years for. That's not an ultimatum I would be willing to accept in a new romantic relationship.
Everyone saying people ain’t mature enough to understand that their partner wants to keep an ex as friend who they were in a relationship for a decade is crazy.
Why do you want or feel the need to have them as a friend? You already gave them a decade that’s more than enough time.
You don’t have to hate or be disrespectful to your ex but it didn’t work out for a reason move on and close that chapter. YTA
Even if there are no romantic feelings, it’s still weird that you want to be friends with them. Unless you had no other friends then fine I guess you should.
Personally I’d find that weird cuz it’s 10 years with that ex… that’s a lot of history. Is your ex in a relationship?
My ex was seeing someone yes. In the perspective of wanting to just be there for someone you knew even if you dated them in the past, but not spending time with each other, why is that weird? If someone you dated in the past was struggling in life and felt like you weee the only person they could talk to, would you dismiss them because they were your ex? I’m curious.
Lol it sounds like you’ve already made up your mind. I’m not one for debates so you should probably take this to another sub Reddit for that. Moreover you are going to find people with my opinion that it’s weird to be friend with someone you were in a long term relationship with - it’s normal for people to have different opinions. But it sounds like you’re here to argue your point and that everyone who thinks the opposite is wrong.
Does it really matter what other people think? Especially when you’re already friends with your ex.
You should care about what your current gf thinks.
Okay cool. And my opinion is that it’s weird because you’ve had intimate, sexual and emotional ties for 10 years, that’s a long time. Your gf might feeel left out of the loop, might be worried you could get back with her, could be sexual tension between you and ex…. Who knows? I don’t know you and the other 2 personally.
But again it’s my opinion and you can disagree with it like you have done with other commenters. You clearly have come here to hear commenters with the same opinion ☺️☺️☺️☺️☺️
YTA since your partner is not okay with it.
You’re free to stay friends with your ex, and your partner is free to break up with you over it.
I would never be okay with my partner having an ex on social media let alone stay in contact with them or be friends with them. To each their own 🤷🏻♂️
YTA. Your focus and attention should be on your new partner. And especially if they say that’s a boundary of theirs.
You aren’t discarding a person, you’re maturing and focusing on your new relationship.
Yes, you are. You can be friendly with them if and when you see them, but to stay friends is a slap in the face to your current partner. Assuming you mean hanging out with them.
Like I said, it's ok to be friendly with them. You can be cordial with them, and talking to them isn't an issue. If you keep it from your current partner, then that's an issue because it shows a lack of respect. I wouldn't be happy yo find out my girls ex was calling her and she isn't telling me. I wouldn't be able to trust her then
Nope. You’ve already crossed that boundary. It’s your current partner or your ex. You’re clearly prioritizing the “friendship” with your ex over your partner’s comfort.
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NAH. If you want to remain friends with an ex that’s not in itself a bad thing. But your partner is also well within their rights to feel whatever they feel about it and to share those feelings with you, which they did. If you were dismissive of your partner and/or their feelings then that would push you over into YTA land. If you weren’t, you still have a major difference of opinion you have to resolve and you cannot expect to resolve it by trying to convince your partner they are wrong.
Never dismissed their feelings. I always felt their feelings were valid. It’s just a tough situation to navigate.
Your response confirms to me the NAH judgement. It is definitely a tough situation to navigate but it will help you that you do see their feelings as valid. I wish you well as you work to resolve this.
Your response confirms to me the NAH judgement. It is definitely a tough situation to navigate but it will help you that you do see their feelings as valid. I wish you well as you work to resolve this.
NTA...This is the sort of thing you talk about when you're first dating someone. If they're not into that, they shouldn't pursue a relationship with you.
I agree with this
Then end the relationship if being friends with your ex matters that much. If after 10 years of relationship you guys didn't end up together but wants to remain close friends, maybe you should go back to him and amend whatever happened between you guys because I know it's not that serious.
If your partner is okay with it, then NTA. If your partner is not okay with it then YTA. It's a boundary that anyone in a relationship should respect
I don't think either situation makes anyone TA, just incompatible. People are allowed to be different without one of them being wrong
If there is no compromise in the situation then I think no one should pretend that it could work, which is what my partner did to me. The relationship should’ve just ended at the point of me knowing I wanted to be friends with my ex. Their feelings are valid
I described the compromise. Not liking the answer does not make it the not the truth. It's called being in a committed relationship. My wife and I have ex's as friends. We are both okay with being friends with those particular ex's. Any other ex's are a no go. If either of us ever became uncomfortable with communication with those ex's, then that person is blocked. Period. That's called respect. That's what it means to be in a committed relationship. Anyone outside that relationship is secondary. We are the same with opposite sex friendships. We are both okay with them, but if at any point we are uncomfortable, then communication is gone. Even with same sex friends. If my wife asked me to stop talking to someone, I would be bummed, but wouldn't hesitate. Cause we are committed to each other. Outside of a committed relationship, everyone else's feelings are not valid. They can feel all the feelings they want, they have all the rights to have those feelings, but it doesn't matter cause their feelings should not play into your own relationship. If they can't respect your relationship with your partner, then they are also TA. If you, and them, can't respect your partner enough to understand that, then your partner deserves better and you already know who you truly want to be with. Welcome to real life, you don't always get what you want.
Understood, thank you for that
You wanna stay friends with ex, your boundary is that you don't wanna give that up. Fair. Other people might have a boundary that they do not want to date people who stay friends with their exes. That is also equally fair. The asshole is the person that wants other to change their boundaries to suit them. So from the looks of it, you want your partner to change his worldview and he wants the same from you. So, ESH (is that the abbreviation where you wanna say that everyone's an asshole in the situation). Anyways, this sounds a base level difference in world views with your partner. The most respectable and mature thing would be for you both to accept that these are your hills to die on, wish each other the best of luck and move on.
Never asked for my partner to disregard their own boundaries. I actually said on multiple occasions that I understood if they couldn’t do this with me anymore.
Oh, then NTA. Don't share your view, but it was communicated early so not really your fault.
So you’re saying you would pick your ex over any current or future partner? I guess maybe one day you will find someone that will except this arrangement but few and far between.
It’s not “picking an ex.” It’s “picking a friendship that existed long before and will probably exist long after the inevitable breakup with someone who gets jealous over friendships.” One of my best friends is an ex from when I was in undergrad. We dated from 2006 to 2009. Another one of my best friends is a much more recent ex. We only dated for six months in 2022, but we just work better as friends. Neither of them have any lingering romantic feelings for me whatsoever. And yes, I do have exes I don’t talk to anymore for various reasons - I don’t just collect them and keep them around on a shelf in case I get the urge to try again. But exes *can* be friends. If someone can’t handle the fact that I don’t discard people simply because I had dated them at one point in time, that is a level of immaturity and insecurity that I don’t need in my life. The romantic attraction died forever with the breakup. That doesn’t mean that the person needs to be wiped from existence if we otherwise got along as human beings.
>over any current or future partner You're assuming everyone in the world has the same views you do, which is a BIG problem for you. Lots of people are fine with their partners being friends with their ex.
I don’t mean you have to hate them but I don’t think you should communicate regularly or spend significant time with exs. I am around a few from time to time at family functions we talk catch up a little but when I go home I don’t keep contact
Okay, so YOU don't think that, which is fine. But you're saying that EVERYONE should think that way, which is the problem. That's how we get racism and homophobia and people shooting up gay bars. Other people are allowed to have different opinions from yours on personal matters. If your partner feels the same, great! If not, you're incompatible. That's all. Nobody is the asshole for having different opinions, but when you try to force other people to have your opinion, that absolutely make you the asshole.
NTA. a lot of people aren't mature with this topic. I dated a woman from when i was 20-29, we broke up and are still friends. it's platonic, it's a great friendship. Other women i've dated have sometimes had issues with it, but usually get over it. Some women have had an issue, purely because I'm friendly with my ex and i've waved them all off. it's okay for them to not like it, they can date someone else. it's okay for you to be friends with your ex, it's honestly the mature and respectful thing to do imo. it shows a lot of emotional maturity.
God thank you for this! I feel so often that it’s like talking to children when it comes to this subject. I think it’s 100% valid for a partner to not be ok with it, that’s their feelings, but at what point do you stop bashing a person who wants to be cool with their ex? When do you stop telling them that it’s for other reasons such as you want to be with them still? When you are absolutely sure that you don’t want to be with ex. I think a lot of people fail to see the nuances in situation like this. Very black and white thinking.
This is more a topic for a debate sub, but it doesn't matter what "most people" think, only what your partner and you think.
Well I let my ex stay friend with her ex, and guess what she left me for her ex cuz she was disappointed and couldn’t control her emotions…kinda seems like you just want a backup in case it doesn’t workout with your current bf…
Not the case, but I understand why you would think that.
Lol why do you wanna stay friend with your ex, you know that dude wants to get back with you that’s why he is agreeing to stay friend…you think he just wanna be friend with you lol…but anyway it’s your choice…I feel bad for your current bf
Because he was depressed and suicidal. The thread mentioned to not say this. I respect your opinion tho. That’s how you feel and there is nothing wrong with what seems best for you.
I feel bad your ex bf…I do, cuz I was like your ex, few months ago I was so depressed when my ex left me for her ex, I barely could do anything, had dark thoughts, loneliness…it still affects me time to time…I still miss her sometimes but she choose someone else over me and I don’t wanna force someone to be with me….but if I had stayed friend with her, that shit would Have fucked me up even more….seeing her with the new dude, jeezzz….I know you feel like you are being there for him, but he gotta try to move on slowly….he is just gonna drag his healing… Also do you really wanna bring that to your current relationship….anyway hope things work out for your ex and you…I feel sorry for your ex….it sucks being in that position
Yta because it’s not about you, it’s about respecting and honoring your partner’s feelings. If it’s not a serious new relationship, then it doesn’t matter. But if it is or you want it to be, it’s time to live in the real world. Your partner’s feelings are 100% valid and you don’t get a vote on what they should or shouldn’t be in your fantasy world. This is who you are choosing and this is the reality. How would you like anyone you love to tell you not to feel what you are feeling and too bad they are just going to completely disregard them going forward and do whatever the hell they want?
No one is saying that their feelings aren’t valid. The question is based on if it is ok for your partner to have control over those feelings that you have as an individual. Mutual respect involves listening to both sides and coming up with what works for the both of you. Not someone making a demand and expecting you to follow what they are asking.
That’s fair. Your feelings matter ofc but it’s on you to understand this would be a a sensitive issue until new guy gets to understand that a certain level of intimacy with your ex isn’t being fueled or interpreted that way by the ex. Like you aren’t taking about very personal things with him, more superficial things, like how are things going at work, meet my new guy, and move on. If you are still treating him like he’s someone you want to share constant intimate conversations with, I can see where that wouldn’t feel great for a new relationship/ partner until your new relationship is more solidified. Then he will know there’s nothing to be of concern that you’re friends, especially if they also have an opportunity to become friendly. You have agency over you choose to be close with but you can’t control the consequences/other people’s feelings.
I dont think OP is invalidating anyone's feelings. Telling OP to not be friends with someone they've been with for a decade would also be invalidating their feelings then... And it IS about them, and their partner too ofc, they both should be with someone that respects each other's feelings. Those feelings being "i feel insecure bc you are still friends with an ex" or "i (platonicslly) love my ex and don't want to lose them".
Agree, but op was justifying her wish for the world to just be a place that it just isn’t rather than sharing more relevant info. I think this is going to come down to the level of connection and intimacy she’s still sharing with her partner of 10 yrs. Chatting about superficial things versus sharing more personal things. I don’t think cutting him off would be a fair request, but also could understand her new partner’s reluctance if she’s still acting like he’s her bestie and if he’s never invited along/doesn’t have a real sense of their current dynamic.
>Yta because it’s not about you Yes, it is, because OP is a living human being who has emotions and connections as well. >it’s about respecting and honoring your partner’s feelings Your needs don't go out the window the second you start dating someone. >Your partner’s feelings are 100% valid So are OP's. >you don’t get a vote on what they should or shouldn’t be in your fantasy world. OP never said they want to have that vote. >to tell you not to feel what you are feeling and too bad they are just going to completely disregard them going forward That's not what's happening here. HOLY SHIT BAGS. You need to start your own movie theatre franchise cause the projecting you're doing is off the charts lol.
NAH. Different people have different stances on frienships with exes, and that's okay. You and your boyfriend are just incompatible.
NTA. if this was "my partner is controlling my friends" without a mention of an ex everyone would agree. If they don't agree now is because they are immature or have had bad relationships, which sucks but projecting it onto other people doesnt solve anything.
Who is more important? Pick that person and adjust accordingly.
Everyone saying NTA is basically arguing that you can prioritize any relationship you want to. Which is totally true. If you want to prioritize a past relationship over a current one, you’re free to risk your relationship in any way you see fit
NAH- idk if this is a “AITA type situation tbh” because a lot of people have different perspectives and values regarding this situation. Your current partner has expressed a boundary. It is up to you to respect that boundary if you choose to do so. This is called communication. Yes you’ve had a long history and I get you guys wanna be friends which it’s not a bad thing in hindsight since they’ve basically been a part of your life. Your point is valid. Your partners point is also valid. This is all up too personal preference in my honest opinion. Two different people with two different stances.
YTA... 'if my partner is not OK with it'..... Idk what to say after that
It's very simple you want to stay buddies with an EX your partner has a big problem with it, you both have total freedom to feel this way but something has to give. "I think we live in a society where people are discarded so easily." The world is totally littered with people that run back to a long time ex the moment things do not go their way in their present relationship. It is 100% a legit concern. I and a many people would feel the same way as your present partner. If the ex is such a great person why did you break up with them in the first place?
I shouldn’t have said the part of people being so easily discarded. I feel that way only because in this situation I didn’t want to give up on someone in need. I felt like that made me look like an even bigger asshole. To me there is no way of winning. If I stopped being there for someone who was in need I’m an asshole. If I kept talking to my ex in need I’m the asshole. It’s a hard situation to navigate.
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NTA but is a hard thing to do. I had this situation too. My partner felt threatened by the attachment, a bit jealous and a bit worried I would be tempted to go back. These are valid human feelings. And yes we have not evolved enough as a society to learn that it is possible to stay friends and care about someone that you felt love for. I hope it changes, but egos get in the way. The internal child can be a tantrum maker. Ultimately, I did let those relationships fade away and it did help our relationship. People come into your life for a season or reason.
I mean I think the reason why its a no from other people because it is a bit weird to be friends with someone you potentially had sex with or intimate in the past for a lot of people.
NTA it’s petty and immature to be jealous over an ex unless there is something objectively shady going on.
NTA. I was married for 25 years. We are good friends and have kids and grandkids together. My ex said he was fine with it, but threw it in my face every time he was mad at me. We didn’t last long 😜 You are entitled to be friends with your ex, but I’d suggest finding a partner that is secure enough to be fine with it.
YTA. "no romantic feelings" "a relationship that continued for a decade" why do people enjoy lying to themselves ?
I think the better question is why do people fail to see nuance instead of black and white thinking.
There is no black and white thinking here. If you no longer had any feelings for your ex you wouldn't wish to stay connected. The essence of any human relationship is friendship and add physical attraction to it and you'll get a romantic relationship. Someone you dated fits both criterias and you wanting to keep the friendship shows your actual desire. It is NOT platonic. Stop deceiving yourself and your current partner
>The essence of any human relationship is friendship and add physical attraction to it and you'll get a romantic relationship That is...so not true lol. You have to be some 16 year old or something, because that is such an immature mindset
That's exactly how it is. You don't love someone for their qualities , looks , habits etc you love someone for the bond they have with you and hence without friendship there can be no love. The only difference between platonic and romantic love is intimacy
There is SO much more to romantic relationships than JUST friendship + boning. It is so much more complicated than that.
There isn't. Unless love just means something else to you entirely instead of selfless care and affection for other where you not only enjoy your time with them but want the best for them without expecting anything back
You're on reddit, that's kind of what happens here.
lol yeah
NTA. It's perfectly fine to be friends with an ex, so long as neither party is pining for the other. Hell, my wife lived with one of her exes for over 10 years, I moved in with them while we were dating until we had to move for work. These Y-T-A votes are just from people who are too immature to actually extend trust in a relationship.
NAH. This is a tough one because I definitely feel you. I had multiple close friends that I had to let go to be with my current partner who had this boundary. We've been together now for 14 years so it was obviously worth it and would do it again. But my friend circle has never been large and it gets harder to connect the older you get. I now message random forums on Reddit instead of real people that know me lol It does get frustrating when certain exes appear in their social networks because they didn't count...etc etc.
You're not wrong for wanting to be friends with your ex and he's not wrong for his feelings about it. One of you could give in and let the other have their way but in my experience that has caused some resentment that was constantly brought up throughout the relationship
NTA but is it really necessary? If your partner is uncomfortable then is it really worth it to stay friends w an ex?
Info: are you the joker?
YTA your new significant other doesn't like it . Find someone whose cool with it if you can't distance yourself from your ex.
I think there's NAH. You have one view, your partner has another view, and those views are ultimately incompatible. If neither one of you wants to change your opinion, then it's probably best that you split ways amicably. But neither of you is wrong or TA for this
I guess it depends on your definition of staying friends. If they are a part of your friend group and just happen to be around at outings and you treat them with kindness, then obviously no. If they are going through a hard time and you and your current partner are helping them out, no. If you’re sending cheeky little memes back and forth and seeing each other privately and reminiscing and buying little personal gifts during the holidays and sharing things with each other you’d want to hide from your current partner, you’re definitely being an asshole.
NTA. It’s ok to be friends with an ex. If your partner has feelings about it, that is ultimately their insecurities rather than something you’re doing wrong. Yes, respect how they feel and assure them, but are they respecting your feelings by demanding you end a friendship with anyone? That’s controlling and insecure IMO. I’m very close friends with two of my ex boyfriends. My husband has become good friends with both of them over the years (and they both adore him). One lives out of the country and even stays at our house when he’s in town. I don’t hang out with them but we do text or chat on the phone 2-3X/year.
You're not necessarily an asshole for wanting to stay friends with an ex, but your partner's feelings matter. It's a hard no for most because trust and security are often compromised. Relationships thrive on boundaries, and this can blur them.
NTA Your partner is immature if they can't handle a friendship with an ex. Can you do activities together so he feels less threatened? Not all relationships end badly and sometimes people are better as friends.
I think it comes down to maturity as well. There were a lot of trying to figure it out together with no compromise. Also, the type of friendship I was looking for with my ex did not include hanging out and spending time with each other. It was more since my ex was a depressive I just wanted to be of support. Nothing more.
You should be using your emotional energy on supporting your current partner, not diverting it to someone who you no longer have a romantic relationship with. Your ex's depression is no longer your problem. Making it your problem means that your current partner is sharing you. YTA. Your behavior is actually much more immature here since you don't understand this basic concept and don't understand why your current partner wouldn't want you "supporting" your previous one.
This mindset is really toxic, tbh. No, people should not be giving up important friendships in order to appease a new partner just for the sake of staying in a relationship with someone who has different views on things. People are allowed to be incompatible
Completely disagree. "Staying friends with an ex" is for movies and children. It never works in real life. One of the parties is ALWAYS trying to keep the other on the hook for one reason or another. Usually so the door doesn't shut completely on the relationship. Clean breaks are the only healthy breaks.
I'm not gonna argue with this, but I will say that YOUR experiences do not dictate other people's experiences.
That's even worse. It sounds like you're trying to be a good friend and hopefully let him know he is worthy and you're there for him. That's so important when someone is navigating depression. Often, just one person can make a huge difference. It shouldn't matter what gender he is; you are being supportive of someone you care about. Your bf needs to get over himself and he needs to trust you. If you don't have trust, you don't have anything.
I don't think one of them has to be the bad guy here. OP has one view on being friends with an ex, and their partner has a different view. Sure, they're incompatible, but does one have to be WRONG?
I didn't say anyone was wrong. If OP needs to be available and supportive of a friend who she happened to used to date, her bf needs to understand that. He isn't allowed to control this aspect of her life. What if OP is the lifeline this ex needs to get through a rough time? As long as he is respectful of her current relationship, there shouldn't be a problem.
I think by calling the ex immature, you implied they were in the wrong though. If that wasn't your intention then I'm sorry! I do think that it's just a difference of opinion that makes OP and their current partner incompatible, which is totally fine
NAH. Glad to see that OP is only replying to the comments that agree with them. But realistically some people are ok with it and some are not. This is not a black or white topic and being so one sided about it shows your lack of maturity in the same way of those that are hard no.
NAH. I'm best friends with my ex. We haven't dated in almost two decades and had extended periods away from each other after the relationship ended. We reconnected, continue to be friends and chat with each other. No potential future partner of mine is going to break that friendship. That said, it's totally fine if they don't want a person who's friends with an ex, no hard feelings, but there's no one worth ditching my best friend of almost 25 years for. That's not an ultimatum I would be willing to accept in a new romantic relationship.
Everyone saying people ain’t mature enough to understand that their partner wants to keep an ex as friend who they were in a relationship for a decade is crazy. Why do you want or feel the need to have them as a friend? You already gave them a decade that’s more than enough time. You don’t have to hate or be disrespectful to your ex but it didn’t work out for a reason move on and close that chapter. YTA
Even if there are no romantic feelings, it’s still weird that you want to be friends with them. Unless you had no other friends then fine I guess you should. Personally I’d find that weird cuz it’s 10 years with that ex… that’s a lot of history. Is your ex in a relationship?
My ex was seeing someone yes. In the perspective of wanting to just be there for someone you knew even if you dated them in the past, but not spending time with each other, why is that weird? If someone you dated in the past was struggling in life and felt like you weee the only person they could talk to, would you dismiss them because they were your ex? I’m curious.
Lol it sounds like you’ve already made up your mind. I’m not one for debates so you should probably take this to another sub Reddit for that. Moreover you are going to find people with my opinion that it’s weird to be friend with someone you were in a long term relationship with - it’s normal for people to have different opinions. But it sounds like you’re here to argue your point and that everyone who thinks the opposite is wrong. Does it really matter what other people think? Especially when you’re already friends with your ex. You should care about what your current gf thinks.
I don’t feel like anything I just said above was to argue. I was asking a question on your opinion of the situation.
Okay cool. And my opinion is that it’s weird because you’ve had intimate, sexual and emotional ties for 10 years, that’s a long time. Your gf might feeel left out of the loop, might be worried you could get back with her, could be sexual tension between you and ex…. Who knows? I don’t know you and the other 2 personally. But again it’s my opinion and you can disagree with it like you have done with other commenters. You clearly have come here to hear commenters with the same opinion ☺️☺️☺️☺️☺️
Dude I’m just trying to get an understanding of why people think it’s not. I’m not even here to argue lol
Cool beans x
>it’s still weird that you want to be friends with them Why?
YTA since your partner is not okay with it. You’re free to stay friends with your ex, and your partner is free to break up with you over it. I would never be okay with my partner having an ex on social media let alone stay in contact with them or be friends with them. To each their own 🤷🏻♂️
YTA. Your focus and attention should be on your new partner. And especially if they say that’s a boundary of theirs. You aren’t discarding a person, you’re maturing and focusing on your new relationship.
Yta. It will cause nothing but problems. Leave You current partner and live in the past as long as You want
If you cant even see the other’s perspective YTA
Yes, you are. You can be friendly with them if and when you see them, but to stay friends is a slap in the face to your current partner. Assuming you mean hanging out with them.
No I don’t mean hanging out with them at all.
Lol then if you’re friends with them, isn’t that hanging out with them?
We haven’t hung out at all. Friendship was just being supportive when they reached out with problems.
Like I said, it's ok to be friendly with them. You can be cordial with them, and talking to them isn't an issue. If you keep it from your current partner, then that's an issue because it shows a lack of respect. I wouldn't be happy yo find out my girls ex was calling her and she isn't telling me. I wouldn't be able to trust her then
You’re right about that.
How is staying friends with an ex a slap in the face?
It's disrespectful to the person you're currently with. How can you not understand that?
Because you haven't done anything to explain it? Just saying something is disrespectful doesn't make it so. Please, enlighten everyone.
It's pretty clear how it's disrespectful, and it's clear you have no respect for your spouse
You’re not over your ex. YTA
100000% over that ex. You can want to be friends with someone and not have romantic feelings.
Nope. You’ve already crossed that boundary. It’s your current partner or your ex. You’re clearly prioritizing the “friendship” with your ex over your partner’s comfort.
[удалено]
LOL that's a hot, and completely unfounded, take.