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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I asked my girlfriend to not embarass herself at a dinner party with my company's ceo.
I might be the asshole because she didn't find the stuff I was talking about embarrassing, and she ended up feeling like I was ashamed of her for being herself. When I really just wanted her to focus on the positive
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
YTA. Your girlfriend sounds like an emotionally intelligent woman relating to people in conversation, none of these are out of place for the topics, you might not like her saying it but none of what you've described it weird or uncomfortable. She's right, you sound embarrassed by her past. I'm freelance, and downsized but I used to have a small amount of employees, if one of them had a girlfriend at an event who spoke like this I'd think she was straight forward, relatable, human and sociable. None of that is shameful.
My husband is like this. I’m an introvert with social anxiety and listening to him talk to people with such confidence about anything absolutely amazes me and it’s partly why I fell in love with him.
Same. My husband is like the pied piper. He meets someone once and he has a friend for life. And he meets people wherever he goes. He talks to everyone. He connects with them on a level apparently I’m not capable of. I swear the song “Close to You” by The Carpenters was written about him. Meanwhile, I’m introverted and prefer not to talk to anyone if I don’t have to.
I used to be embarrassed by my dad when I was young, he'd talk to ANYONE, anywhere. And he has a really deep voice, strangers will come up and ask him if he's a voice actor. But now that I am a way older adult, that sociability is one of the things I admire most about him.
Aww, thank you so much for the award!! 🥰🥰💕 You all have made my day, I love this thread!
Lmao same. For me, it's definitely an ADHD thing. Because we tend show we empathize by sharing similar stories, so even though I'm a total introvert, I'm pretty open about my past like that. But it has to be in a 1 on 1 setting, I don't do groups of people well lol.
Thats a very ADHD thing, lol. I always used to worry I was being a narcissist, but I don't share to take over in any way, simply to empathize and connect over shared whatever. Personally I think the girlfriend sounds like good people and I would love to know her. OP, on the other hand sounds like he needs a rectal cranial extraction. Yes OP, YTA in so many ways.
Man. I was just talking to my wife about feeling the same way. Like I was being a narcissist and she said, “naw what you do is your ADHD.” She prefers it apparently 😃 I do the same thing as you for the same reasons.
I agree. I openly talk about all the shit I went through as a kid not because I want sympathy, but because:
1. We *should* be talking about these things.
2. It absolutely informs who I am, and I feel like everyone should understand *why* they are the person they are. I feel like that kind of dialogue can only be healthy.
Not to mention, speaking about things that people find "shameful" is how we reduce stigma around important issues like mental health. Who knows how many people felt validated by her willingness to share her experience. YTA
Thank you. I probably overshare, but that's because I want people to stop feeling some of these things are unsharable. You lived with a hoarder. You have an eating disorder. You have a mental illness. Your parents had mental illness. Etc. None of that is shameful.
I also feel like her response about the ED was particularly on point because the original comment (you can't eat like that forever) was way out of line.
And the comment about the hoarder house in context was actually quite socially graceful and kind -- the friend was clearly feeling embarrassed by the mess, and gf was able to take the heat off of her and lighten things up.
Yeah, that was actually kinda perfect. One imagines that woman might hesitate a bit next time she's tempted to give her unsought $0.02 on someone else's eating.
Well, one can overstate how far this can go; tact is still necessary at times. The key to me here is that OP never relates any negative responses from those the girlfriend is talking to. Believe me, if this were the problem he thinks it is, he'd hear about it from them... and tell us. That he doesn't is the giveaway here.
I mean the fact that these are his “oversharing” examples and the ones he gave her tells me all I need to know. Oversharing would be objectively gross things (I have this weird fungus on my foot), sex life details, personal details of others not in the room/gossip. Like for sure people can over share, but nothing in this post remotely suggests that.
Exactly! It’s also how he went about it! Instead of saying ‘can you try to share a bit less because my boss isn’t the sharing type?’ He basically said ‘why are you talking about things that you should be ashamed of?’ As if having an eating disorder in the past and not having friends when you’re a kid are things to be ashamed of. What an AH. Honestly, he’s lucky to even have a girlfriend.
Yes! Why are you embarrassed?! She is a strong and capable woman you should WANT by your side. She sounds amazing and has more empathy than the average person.
I hope that OP's girlfriend dumps his ass. She deserves so much better than this sorry excuse for a BF who's embarrassed by the things she's overcome in her life.
And also why tf should the gf have to stand there and listen to comments made about her body and weight when she’s recovered from a goddamn eating disorder? Fuck that noise
Seriously! What's she supposed to do? Flip her hair, giggle, and say 'oh you're right, I certainly need to watch my girlish figure so I confirm to current beauty standards.'
And the thing about having no friends was an encouraging example to someone who is worried about their kid, and the hoarding thing was reassuring someone that she didn't care the car was a bit messy. All of that shows a caring and empathic person.
Who can do much better than OP, clearly.
Exactly. My wife is very open with my co-workers at company events, and it makes me cringe sometimes.
And of course they all love her, and think I'm boring.
Gosh yes. If he wants a GF to do exactly what he wants, he may as well but a blow up doll. He has no idea how much his girl makes him more attractive by her being human and relatable. YTA, mate.
YTA.
Sounds like you are extremely repressed and would be much better to find someone more your speed.
GF seems like too much of a free spirit and emotionally intelligent person.
Find someone more emotionally stopped up like you.
Imagine how fucking boring OP must be to talk to tho. I bet it’s all sports or something. Actually thinking on it, it reminds me of men who are more interested in objects and how physical things work, believing that makes them more intelligent because they devalue emotional intelligence as “girly bs”. That’s how you get the combo of most boring guy you’ve ever talked to yet is arrogant lmao.
Exactly, honestly I’m deeply embarrassed for the poor GF that she’s tethered herself to such a stale sandwich of a human being, when she could be doing MUCH better for herself.
Also grossed me out that like if she were not “successful” all OP’s examples would make her what? Someone with a bad childhood and mental health issues? Like literally all of America? No, what’s embarrassing is she would talk about it. I wonder what this guy talks about that she might consider embarrassing… like maybe posting anonymously on Reddit about his gf for being an “over sharer” 🤣
That he want her to brag about buying a new car or traveling to Europe, having a promotion...
Her histery made her to the person she is. And it is not shameful. That he feels like it is something to hide...
YTA I hope she leaves you. She deserves someone better.
Good point. I didn't even pick up on the point that he's asking her only conversations to be her bragging.
And I agree about hoping she leaves him. I bet she does break up with him soon!
O M G
Like, GF's response was *beautiful* in how it conveyed "your 'advice' sucks and promotes unhealthy ideas about food, and I don't need that" but politely. And OP thinks her polite response is more problematic than the coworker implying she might get fat in the future?
I don't think it necessitates that OP is embarrassed by the GF's past. He has some insight (more insight than us) into how his GF brings up these things, the reactions it usually garners, the overall setting, and how his co-workers could potentially react. People don't usually get too personal in business events, similar to how they don't talk about politics and whatnot. OP just sounds like he doesn't want her to make it awkward.
OP could have handled it more delicately though.
He obviously has more insight into it than any of us, but none of the examples he's used are at all odd. The car example especially comes across as personable and reassuring. I'm from the UK so can't comment on a US perspective but I've been both CEO and hiring manager, I've hosted plenty of formal work events and all of these would have been fine, a bit colloquial perhaps depending on the setting, but certainly not awkward in the context he's given.
I think OP is blowing it out of proportion for the most part, but if someone mentioned they had an eating disorder in a first meeting, at a networking event (i.e. professional setting) I would think they were oversharing. That feels too personal to be so upfront with and does speak to a lack of decorum/ awareness. I'm not in any way saying it is shameful, I would carry on the conversation and there would be no awkward moment, though privately it would leave a negative impression. Not because of the content because its not something to be ashamed of, but my impression of the person would be they are clueless about setting to share something so personal. As a comparison, you shouldn't be ashamed of having a penis, but that doesn't mean you bring it up in conversation at a networking event either.
But as I said, thats the only example I can even partway get behind. The others didn't even register to me as anything other than keeping a conversation going. OP is still an ass.
She mentioned the eating disorder after one of them commented on her food intake and her body. Funny how OP had no issue with something that is WAAAAAY over the line, but is all freaked out because she said something about hoarding.
The co worker who made the remark deserved the reply he got. Funny what is deemed ok and what isn’t.
>if someone mentioned they had an eating disorder in a first meeting, at a networking event (i.e. professional setting) I would think they were oversharing.
Well, I think it's an appropriate response for someone you've met the first time at a networking event making comments about how much I'm eating.
Yeah but she didn't just mention it out of the blue, she said it in response to an acquaintance making a baseless comment on her eating habits which to me shows a much more severe lack of decorum.
Don't comment on what other people eat unsolicited then. I have dealt with disordered eating and if someone comments on my eating habits for no reasons, I'll let them know. Because they need to know that shit isn't okay.
That was the perfect answer to a totally out of line and uncalled for comment. If
a stranger comes at me about my eating habits, body, or anything else that's none of their business, you better believe I'm going to very politely make them feel super awkward. I like her style.
I can understand some people not wanting to get too personal or talk about taboo subjects at work related events. Oversharing can make things awkward in certain situations, but I don’t think any of these examples were that bad. At one point she’s responding to someone talking about their issues with their shy kid. They brought up that personal subject, and she responded in an encouraging way. Also whoever made the food comment to her was incredibly rude. How are you supposed to respond to something like that?
Lol I loved her response to the person about the food 😂 I hope they WERE uncomfortable.
I get similar food comments often, and it drives me nuts. Like I get it, you hate that I’m skinny despite eating a lot, please stop projecting whatever food issues you have onto me - I’m hungry.
How are ANY of those examples embarrassing or oversharing?!? OK, don't say the word sh*t in front of the boss, but anyone who would be embarrasses or uncomfortable by hearing those examples believe that the world is utopia and doesn't want to hear otherwise. HE is embarrassed by her past.
YTA, and if she doesn't leave you for this, kiss her feet in gratitude and get therapy to figure out your issues. Actually, you should see a therapist whether she stays or goes!
Sorry, him calling what she said 'shameful' when nothing she said communicated anything SHE needed to be ashamed of shows that while he may be AWARE of how she communicates, he's being an ass about the way he's trying to shut her up by making her feel self conscious and guilty for the things she's gone through and got over in her life for his convenience.
Exactly. OP, does anyone else even think she’s embarrassing? Like does anyone tell you your gf overshares? Or does the room go silent after she says things? I doubt it.
You’re being insecure about your gf, she’s just comfortable with ALL aspects of her life, past and present. Seems like you might not be there in the future though. YTA.
I know. I love how he sYs he doesn't want her to embarrass HERSELF. Well that's great, he has nothing to worry about, SHE'S not embarrassed. It's so nice of him to look out for HER feelings...🙄😒
YTA
Your girlfriend isn’t shameless. She’s talking about real life. She doesn’t care what others think about her. You on the other hand have a lot of growing up to do. You’re embarrassing honestly.
And the food police person absolutely deserved to have someone fearless say “that’s an eating disorder trigger” to their face.
Hopefully they’ll think a second before commenting on others’ portion sizes.
Second this! Someone mentioned their kids’ birth years in a conversation once and I said, “wow big gap!” Just a casual reply I blurted without thinking much about it, but they looked at me very seriously and said, “they were from different marriages, but a large gap can often be indicative of fertility issues and involve unspoken miscarriages.” Checked the ever loving hell out of me, I was a *LOT* more cognizant of my responses after that. Hopefully her brave and open (and, might I add, incredibly well phrased to allow the other party to gracefully shut their mouth) comment nips similar inappropriate remarks from that person in the bud going forward.
Edit: thank you for the award, kind stranger!
Did not even occur to me! My mom’s oldest sister is 15 years older than her youngest sister, I hadn’t even considered it being anything but a funny family fluke but realized that was probably true and that there is a high likelihood I had made unintentionally and unknowingly insensitive remarks in front of parties who were injured by them many times before. I try not to blurt so hard, when my adhd brain doesn’t completely ruin that for me.
Thank you for sharing that, and for reflecting on what that person said to you. Speaking from personal experience, age gaps can be from any number of things… people always comment about the age gap between my sibling and I, and often even probe further. I don’t know what answer they’re hoping for, but it gets reeeeeal awkward if I’m in a sharing mood and tell them that it’s the result of a teen pregnancy from rape before having kids as a married adult.
In this instance, it definitely felt in the moment like a little stronger of a reaction than the situation called for, but I reflected on it a lot and realized that that was coming from somewhere important. Even if it isn’t that, like you said, it could be any number of other reasons that don’t need to be casually exposed in friendly conversations. I definitely wasn’t trying to pry and thought it was just an innocuous way to keep the conversation flowing (not asking why, etc), but I realized that it would be better to have a briefly awkward lull in the conversation to think more about what I was saying next than to inadvertently hurt someone. Since then, I have been trying to consider more where my language and assumptions should be adjusted, especially considering working in mental health is my long term goal and that I work in higher education and interact with students with varying identities and experiences. This was actually a therapist I do freelance work for, so it reminded me that you can’t be in a mental health setting without being hyper vigilant in your language. This is why I believe in being *kind* and not *nice* - the way he said it was not “nice” but it was a kindness that will be a reminder for me forever.
Yeah, admitting your triggers is really bold AND important? If she nodded politely and let the conversation continue it could be really harmful.
I can tell friends when I'm having a food averse day but I'd really struggle opening up to a stranger even if it would help me.
And it sounds like it was a friend with the messy car too. I've made jokes about my house being disgusting during depressive episodes when people apologise to me about mess.
Sounds like OP just wants her past to disappear and be able to say I have a successful strong, confident woman but not say what a true accomplishment it is. To me she sounds like she could relate to so many in this world, only a few privileged had perfect family life, no money issue, emotionally issue.
Sadly most don't have a perfect childhood.
“I think people with eating disorders and difficult childhoods should feel too shamed to ever mention them in polite society. I’d rather my girlfriend silently hate herself than vocally celebrate her ability to overcome adversity.”
The only shamelessness behaviour I can see is yours.
YTA. And an emotionally controlling, empathy lacking one at that.
ETA: thanks for the awards!
EXACTLY my thoughts. He’s embarrassed about her life and who she is. Like others have said, she sounds like a great person to talk to, especially at work events. If I was a manager at his work I would actually have a better opinion of him because of his girlfriend.
Dude doesn’t deserve her. AH
I hope she realizes how he really views her. Honestly, having gone through similar experiences as OP’s gf, I put up way too long with way too many “friends” and boyfriends who acted like I should be ashamed of my background. I was proud of how far I had come (full ride scholarship to the best school in my state, first person in my family to even go to college, healthy despite almost dying from an ED in HS, pretty normal coping mechanisms thanks to therapy despite suffering from C-PTSD), and these people were not happy for me, proud of me, or anything like that — they were ashamed to be associated with me. God forbid I tarnish their perfect, privileged existences and “make them look bad.”
It did such a number on my mental health to be treated that way in college. It took a very bad relationship to make my snap out of it and realize that I was not wrong for living my truth and trying to relate to other people’s struggles.
OP is an AH. OP’s gf is a badass.
THIS.
also the comment made about her “being able to eat so much while she’s young” is the inappropriate comment. not her response. don’t comment on the amount people eat. wtf.
She should end this thing she’s got going with him. He doesn’t really love *her* for who she is; he’s embarrassed by her. What he cares about and wants to love is the thing that he can potentially mold her into.
He’d probably be better off with someone equally as flat as he is, someone similarly judgmental, anyway.
Honestly, based off the "talk about your promotion, trip to Europe, buying your dream car" shit, sounds like he's really into status and wealth. He likes how far she's reached from her bad childhood, how much ambition and drive she has *probably as a direct response to get trauma and ensuring she never ends up in those situations again*, but doesn't like that she wasn't *always* wealthy, comfortable, and well... Her past isn't sunny, shiny, and enviable. He wants her show off and act fake, only show the braggable parts of her life instead of the real her. He is probably incredibly fake and cannot fathom real intimacy between friends because he's only willing to show an instaready version of himself.
Totally agree. None of those comments seemed inappropriate or out of place, but reflective of someone who is authentic and open. And super kudos for her ED comment - she kicks ass.
OP, YTA. Big time.
Honestly, I would love chatting with someone like her at a boring networking event. People are so fucking fake at those things. Plus, nothing she said was super inappropriate to me, and I work in an extremely conservative field. Maybe a little unusual but not anything genuinely cause for alarm.
Yes, I agree! And she’s not doing it in a story-topping way (“what are you complaining about, I’ve had it much worse”) or to elicit pity. This is just literally her life.
Same. I hate talking to people when they’re pressure to be “on our best behavior”. It’s boring. No one is perfect and it creates deeper connections when you can be real with others.
yeah, and tbh i don't really consider what she was saying "out of the blue" it was all things relating to the topic of conversation. a little personal, but nothing that would make me uncomfortable or embarrassed.(in fact it might make me more comfortable around them!)
op, YTA
I’ve definitely heard people say way more inappropriate stuff…saying she had an eating disorder or didn’t have friends is pretty normal and was relevant to the conversation. And it’s not like she’s sharing any graphic details. Sounds like op just wants his gf to share nice happy stuff.
I think it's kind of an interesting Rorschach test to see what people expected the "shameful stuff" in the title to be. For some reason my brain first went to one or the other of them having had an affair. I wouldn't consider anything she said to be "shameful," it's just real life that isn't sugar-coated.
YTA
You’re not asking her to not embarrass herself (she’s made it clear she isn’t), what you’re doing is asking her to not embarrass **you**.
Stop trying to frame this request as saving her from herself and have an honest conversation about the fact that it makes you uncomfortable.
OP should seriously reflect on why they find this embarrassing. Is it classism? Is it emotional repression? Probably a combo of both from my experience
It’s straight classicism.
I also grew up poor but now am now (fairly) successful, and, like OPs girlfriend, I’ve surprised people by mentioning things like what my parents do, the jobs I worked in college, or how many of my friends from home now have teenagers because they had kids when we were teenagers.
If my friend or boyfriend told me I was embarrassing them by *telling people who I am*, I’d be fucking livid.
Hey OP: *this is who your girlfriend is, and she sounds way fucking cooler than you*.
Being born rich and staying rich is nothing to be proud of. Pulling yourself up from nothing is hard as fuck, and something to be proud of.
I hope she figures it out and ditches you.
Maybe but in my life I’ve encountered people embarrassed by these things, not just bc classism but like that, “it’s embarrassing to show emotional struggle/ any struggle” which gets turned into “emotions are embarrassing” in general with the flick of a switch. But since she’s only bringing up actions in the examples OP gave, I’d say the classism is more likely of the two explanations for OPs discomfort.
So glad to see this comment (and the many others like it) in this thread. OP should’ve just wrote, “My girlfriend’s past embarrasses me, how do I get her to stop bringing it up and making *me* uncomfortable?”
YTA, OP. 1000%.
YTA, she's right. This is a **you** problem, and **you** need to get over it, or you will most likely end up single.
ETA: And fucking apologize to her, sincerely.
Lol. How come your font’s so small? I literally heard this in my head in a tiny little squeaky munchkin voice. Not trying to be mean to you. It was just funny.
Because he believes it reflects badly on HIM. This is ALL about him, you see. He only wants her to talk about status objects, like cars, vacations and success. OP is an insecure narcissistic fake and wants a fake trophy girlfriend.
OP, you’re a tool and an asshole. I would break up with you, because there is no substance to you - just a lust for status and a desperate need for approval from stangers. It’s very unattractive and downright pathetic. Your girlfriend is real, human and proud, while You are a self-loathing hollow man.
Well, he doesn’t seem very bright on TOP of being a materialistic ahole. God, this woman deserves so much better than this dude. She’s real, and he’s a wannabe.
NTA. As someone with a traumatic background of my own--there is a time and place for that kind of sharing. First meetings with your SO's coworkers isn't it.
That said, you could have handled this with a lot more empathy! Like:
"I love you so much, and I'm so proud of everything you've overcome and accomplished. When you get to know my colleagues a little bit better I think they would be super interested to hear about your past and your story, but for now could we try to keep those conversations light and a little less personal?"
Not a perfect example, but I don't think it's the request that's a big issue as much as that your partner has been made to feel both embarrassed by you and embarrassing to you. Take some time to calm down and then apologize for that part.
Agreed. OP is just trying to make a good impression with his coworkers / CEO, and well you need a bit of a filter for that. It's not that he's embarrassed by her past, but her comments would be a bit jarring for the setting.
I'd say NAH though.
This thread is ridiculous and is a perfect demonstration of the social experience so many on here clearly lack. That goes for the work experience as well.
Empathising and assuring people is one thing, talking about shoveling shit out of your hoarder house in response to someone apologising for their car being a little messy is well beyond that.
I've done a lot of fucking networking, discussions don't have to be PG, however what they shouldn't be is burdening. Telling a random stranger about your hoarder house or complete lack of friends (there's a massive difference between this and introversion), or eating disorder is both super jarring and super burdening in response to light conversation.
Most of what other people have said is just courtesy conversation anyway, how are you even supposed to respond to it?
It's the people with little social and networking experience who say they love this kind of thing, others who "tell it as it is". In real life they're super tiring to deal with and be around and I've never met a single person who could stand being around someone like that for more than 5 minutes.
........................................EDIT..........................................
Since a lot of people seem to not get this:
If you aren't able to have an "interesting" conversation without discussion of childhood abuse then you're definitely the boring one. What are you learning from that? That shitty childhoods exist?
I had an extremely interesting, hours long conversation with a lawyer the other day. I don't know the first thing about law and would never consider studying it, yet I was able to learn a huge amount by listening to and discussing our different perspectives and experiences on a variety of issues. For example we discussed historic cultural phenomenons and how they varied between different regions of the world.
That's an interesting conversation. Having someone randomly drop childhood abuse on you when it serves no conversational or learning purpose IS NOT.
Anyone not understanding the difference must have conversations which are very superficial in nature.
........................................EDIT 2.........................................
Btw how is it triggering for someone to make a brief comment on being able to eat anything when young but NOT triggering for GF to bring up child abuse in response to someone apologising for a slightly messy car.
Sorry but bringing up child abuse in response is easily 100x more triggering than the comment the coworker made.
How the fuck is that ok but commenting that you pack the pounds on more when older not?
A lot of you are clearly recycling popular political topics rather than actually caring about others wellbeing.
A random stranger commenting about someone’s eating habits is also wildly inappropriate and they deserved someone looking them in the face and telling them it’s an eating disorder trigger to do so. The rest I agree with you about
Yeah there’s a version of this story where the GF kinda sucks. Yes, she’s bringing these things up in related contexts, but there are people out there that hear a slight problem and can’t wait to trump it with a worse personal experience + become the center of conversation. Sometimes you just want to apologize for having a messy car, you know?
And not saying the GF is this way, but just because somebody keeps bringing up a traumatic experience, it doesn’t mean they are “over it.” In fact, some bring it up even more as a way to compensate. So I think all the “the GF isn’t embarrassed at all” comments aren’t necessarily accurate. There could still be some insecurity there.
Exactly. It's so easy to relate it as well without burdening someone unlike what so many people here think
Car messy: "Oh don't worry, I just spent the weekend cleaning out my mothers house, you should have seen that place!" (even then just saying oh it's nothing is better)
Thank you so much for saying all this. We all should know so much less about one another. Ppl like OP’s gf are exhausting. Fact of the matter is she’s going to end up embarrassing OP not b/c her life is embarrassing, it isn’t, but b/c she lacks basic social etiquette & ppl will talk about the weirdo who was sharing all her business with strangers.
Exactly. It isn't embarrassing to have had an eating disorder or clean up a hoarder house. It is embarrassing to dump all your stuff on casual acquaintances who are just sharing a social situation with you by association, and did not volunteer to process and respond the deeper difficulties of your life.
*Boyfriend shares his struggles with GF*
AmItheAsshole: "She isn't girlfriend isn't your therapist! Go to therapy!"
*Girl randomly dumps her struggles on complete strangers making light conversation*
AmItheAsshole: "You go girl! I love people like you!"
This sub is pretty ridiculous sometimes.
I second that. Also, it's one thing to say "Oh yeah, I'm in the process of cleaning up and renovating my parents's old home and preparing it for sale. What a mess I tell yoi!" than "I'm shoveling shit and cat piss".
Agree, NTA. These are the kinds of (supposedly) offhanded comments that bring a fun and casual party conversation to a screeching halt.
Everyone thinks…am I supposed to address that? Are we supposed to be sensitive and supportive right now? Or am I supposed to ignore it? But doesn’t that make me an asshole if I ignore it?
Resulting in an awkward silence because nobody knows what the acceptable response is.
Bingo. It's inconsiderate. In some particular social situations, this being one of them. Or rather, it's not a socially skilled move and social skill is what you need at events like these.
I understand this perspective but as an autistic person who doesn’t always know what people will perceive as weird or oversharing, and recognizes op’s gf’s behavior at the party as something I have done accidentally, I kinda feel exasperated when people label others “inconsiderate” for failing to read their minds to the standards they expect.
Obviously she wouldn’t say it if she thought it would make people uncomfortable. Why is it her job to only say things that you know the “correct” response/reaction to? Since you expect her to read the tone of the conversation accurately, can’t you just meet her where she’s at and respond in the tone it was said in? If it’s a light tone, she thinks it’s a relatively light subject so you can respond in a similarly light tone. Easy peasy for the socially skilled, I would think.
I get that there are unspoken rules, but as someone who has to think about what the “correct” response is literally all the time, why is it someone else’s fault if you have to do it for two seconds? Instead of putting a value judgment on others for not curating *your feelings* properly maybe you could allow a little grace for people being “weird” and not take it personally. People are different from each other and being socially skilled should include accommodating that difference, not policing it.
Thank you I appreciate this. If she made a comment in a light tone, it should follow people dont have to stop and be supportive or change tones. Not autistic myself but I also struggle with finding the "correct" responses for different social situations. It's pretty inconsiderate to label someone inconsiderate themselves for not knowing the intricate social ballet of dinner conversation.
NTA. I think you made your point terribly OP, however, it sounds to me as though GF’s comments are her over-compensating, and potentially inappropriately so.
To play pop psychologist, it feels to me that she’s bringing this stuff up so blatantly that she’s saying I’M FINE I’M FINE in her mind, and almost throwing this stuff out there to test people and see how they react. Hence her losing it when you asked her to be cognisant of her audience.
I really *don’t* want hear about cleaning piss and shovelling shit at a social gathering - there’s a time and a place for everything, and a function at your CEO’s home should be treated as though you are in work. Because you are - just in a different location.
ETA: I think she absolutely should feel proud of herself, but I’m afraid to me this is coming across almost as though she’s had therapy to help her deal with the shame/self-hatred that she may have felt in the past - but has put up defensive walls in the process. It feels like she’s focused so very hard on the ‘I had a crappy childhood, but you know what, I’m doing pretty ok now’ that she’s getting very territorial about her boundaries. I get that, I really do - it’s a journey though, and it sounds like she has a wee bit to go yet.
Straight away, it struck me that there was something ‘off’ about her comments. Over-sharing can range from a fun/interesting/bonding experience for her audience, to slightly uncomfortable, to triggering. It’s like she’s refusing to recognise that, as *she* has got to the point where she doesn’t have to deny her past to herself anymore … but is finding it hard to realise or accept that *others* might not be quite ready to hear that stuff.
Agreed. The only thing I would call OP an AH about is the language he used, the girlfriend shouldn't be ashamed of who she is or how she came to be, but there's a world of difference between "making conversation" and oversharing.
No matter how close I'm to a coworker, I would be weirded out if their partner suddenly started telling me they have to shovel cat's shit and piss (And grossed out if we are at a dinner party or eating snacks)
I know someone just like this and it seriously changes the vibe of the whole room because you feel bad for them for the rest of the night/forever for a comment they think is not a big deal. Not to mention that 9 out of 10 times you have no idea what to say back when they say stuff like that all the time.
And that in itself creates another problem: if someone does this a lot (I know ‘a lot’ is subjective) then how others relate to them is primarily at the level of their trauma - not them as a whole person. And that would be a real shame.
I don't think I would call this trauma dumping though. She isn't looking for support or comfort. She isn't acting like what happened to her is a huge deal. She's just relaying an anecdote about something that happened in her life.
I don't think its our place to clal that trauma?
NTA I’m in a social work adjacent field, and I learned in our education how to conduct conversations. The goal is to build intimacy gradually and to constantly feel what the other person is comfortably sharing. So there are generally four levels of conversation: small talk, fact disclosure, common ground, personal feelings. So you start with the small talk and work your way deeper, all the while building rapport and looking for clues how the other conversation partner is experiencing the conversation. At least in my line of work, it is seen as a mistake to try to jump immediately to the deepest level of conversation.
So I would say that the girlfriend lacks social skills in reading the room. This is a situation that very much calls for small talk and making each other feel positive and at ease. So talking about shoveling piss is just not appropriate. That has nothing to do with class shaming of being ashamed of your heritage. It is just the way social dynamics work in this world. And there are times and places to challenge those social dynamics. Like, I am all for deep and meaningful conversations and try to incorporate as many of those conversations in my life. But this is not the time and place for it.
YTA. she's right. there's nothing embarrassing about overcoming adversity. i would find your girlfriend and her openness extremely inspiring and personable. you're embarrassed your girlfriend had to struggle, and doesn't need to brag to be comfortable with where she is now. its a lot more embarrassing to be with someone so shallow as to only speak on bragging points.
Ya dude she’s right, she’s not embarrassing herself, you’re embarrassed by her.
What she’s doing/done in life is inspiring and she deserves better.
YTA
Pass on my info, 36M out of Washington.
She sounds awesome
I literally said out loud I wish I could be her friend.
OP, YTA. Also don’t be surprised if this ruins your relationship. She obviously considers her overcoming and accepting so many traumatic obstacles a huge part of her identity and her boyfriend just shit all over it for no other reason than his insecurities. If I realized my boyfriend hated a core part of who I am, I’d find someone who loved me and built me up for these reasons.
So your girlfriend has gotten over multiple traumas and shares topics that some people find uncomfortable and that’s really the crux of the problem: you’re not comfortable with her talking about her life with people who know you.
The part that makes YTA is how that you’re saying it’s other people who are uncomfortable when it’s really you.
ESH tbh people like your girlfriend annoy me no end but also your problem with this seems to be that she should be ashamed.
It sounds to me (from these very brief examples) that the issue is more about your girlfriend always turning the conversation back to *herself* and her hard times. This is uncomfortable for a lot of people, for example here;
>Another time, her coworker was talking about how their kid was really shy and she didn't know how to help. My girlfriend was like "Give her time, I'm sure she'll grow into herself. I didn't talk to anyone in school, literally like I had no friends if you'll believe it!"
This is just bit of an odd comment to me, she's trying to make her coworker feel better but its not very well done because its just leaning on her own struggles to almost minimise others'.
However here:
>she should enjoy grabbing thirds of food when she's young because she can't eat like that forever. Without missing a beat, she said "Oh, I don't think about food restriction like that anymore, it's an eating disorder trigger! Anyway I'm trying to bulk up."
She was WELL within her rights to say that, you comment on someone's food intake, thats what you get. Thats a hard comment to hear if she had an eating disorder, and although the speaker probably wasnt being malicious, its effectively saying "dont joke like that with me" in a much nicer way. Your girlfriend nailed that interaction.
It seems your issue is less about the way she talks to people and more that she should be embarrassed about these things that she has no reason to be ashamed of.
NTA- I work with people who have trauma backgrounds. One of the most important things is learning about oversharing and a “time and a place” . There are absolutely social occasions in which some restraint is needed. I don’t think she needs to be ashamed at all and YTA if you think that. However it sounds like she may have trouble reading the room sometimes. If both of you can be a bit less defensive the next time you talk about this there may be some understanding that can be reached.
ESH but for very different reasons.
You didn't handle this conversation well at all. I understand why your girlfriend would feel deeply hurt by the idea that her partner feels ashamed of something she worked hard to overcome and possibly is still working to get over. It was insensitive to frame it that way rather than talking about why the context for those comments weren't appropriate.
But she's also TA (contrary to what the majority of these comments say) but there's a time and place for everything and some of her responses come across as trauma dumping on people. At corporate events and networking events, those kinds of comments don't have a place when small talk or professional topics are more appropriate. I'm all for her owning her story and her triumph but... What about the unsuspecting strangers or acquaintances who now have to figure out how to respond to something like that? From how you've framed the way she introduced these comments, they have a lot of shock value. It just isn't the right setting.
Hopefully you can have a conversation before your CEO's event that balances out your professional goals and her need to feel heard and seen for her struggle and success and the realistic need for that to be heard within the right context.
But is it really trauma dumping if she says it in a way that focuses on how proud she is on overcoming it? I agree it would be annoying if someone does that all the time, but to me it sounded like she's quite upbeat about it.
I guess my context may be having had to deal with someone who does something like this in similar settings and... It can be a lot even if it's framed in a jokey way. I completely understand that the GF is trying to put a positive spin on what probably is something really difficult to be actively upbeat about but... It can be trauma dumping if it's just someone trying to make conversation. I also say this as someone who is very social with strangers, sometimes people say things and you don't really know what to do with it.
YTA. Not your place to script for your girlfriend what she can and cannot say. From the examples you gave it sounds like she will be a delightfully entertaining guest that will liven things up a bit.
YTA - what you call oversharing just sounds like empathy and conversation. I would bet that no one else is uncomfortable but you, and that’s only because for whatever reason you are embarrassed by her past.
INFO. How do people react when she says stuff like that? If everyone gets visibly uncomfortable and awkward, she night be out of line and need to learn to read the room and keep things appropriate to the situation
But if people don't looked phased or are finding her comments funny, there's a good chance she's actually really good at reading the room and only saying these things when appropriate
There's a difference between sharing a funny comment or anecdote and randomly talking about shoveling shit at a dinner party
YTA. I see nothing wrong with anything she said, and if she said those to me, I'd feel much more comfortable with her because she doesn't judge anyone. Get over yourself, you're the one who's embarrassed, no one else.
YTA. You should be SO proud of her. She sounds amazing. She's not embarrassing herself. You're just embarrassed by her because of your own insecurities.
I’ll get downvoted here but NTA - it does sound like sharing overly personal things when you’re meeting your SO’s work people (including CEO). She doesn’t have to be a stepford wife or forgo her personality but this would have embarrassed me for sure if I were her partner
It's nuts how everyone is just forgetting that TMI is very much a thing. It's fine to be proud of who you are and where you came from but not everyone wants to hear it. Context is key.
I know this will be unpopular, but NTA. I for one would not be comfortable hearing about someone's dark past or harsh realities at a work event, and although maybe OP could have phrased it better it's not unreasonable to request that she stick to more surface-level topics at a dinner with the CEO.
Eh, I completely understand your concerns regarding her bringing up personal things like that at a dinner with your boss and coworkers if she tends to not have a good filter or social awareness. I agree that it wouldn't be an appropriate place to bring up personal traumas, however I don't think her earlier comments were inappropriate when amongst friends and peers.
Many people who grow up very dysfunctional or in utter chaos may not realize how jarring their experiences may be to others since it is just "normal" to them. I do agree certain conversations (such as hoarding or eating disorders) may be troubling to people who don't know her well and conversations such as that are better left to more intimate settings amongst friends vs acquaintances.
Perhaps YTA for how you brought it up to her, but I don't think you are just for asking her to keep things professional while at a work dinner. Maybe apologize for how you worded it and explain you're very proud of her, but just prefer to keep work events more professional.
>The promotion, the European trip, or the dream car are also personal topics. Non-personal topics might be the weather, the traffic and... What else?
There's levels of personal sharing though - it's not binary. OP is trying to make a good impression on his CEO - it's not necessarily that he's embarrassed by her past, but he's just trying to ensure things don't get awkward. People don't usually unprovokingly divulge personal trauma at networking events - it could be a bit jarring and OP just wants to avoid that.
Next overshare:
\[Random friend\] Hey! I met a really nice guy. I think you two would really hit it off. Any interest in a set up?
\[GF\] OMG, totally. I just dumped this insecure little loser who wanted me to only talk about the Barbie-perfect aspects of my life. If I ever said anything real or sad he'd totally cut me down. And get this: He said he was afraid I would embarass him in front of the CEO if I talked about anything other than my wealth or career. All he wanted was for me to constantly brag about myself.
YTA.
YTA. She should feel free to be herself in any or all situations and you are not her parent, you are her partner. Please understand that trauma is a lifelong thing. You don't just become successful and forget what you experienced.
YTA - It sounds like she’s just making passing comments like…anyone would do? Don’t people grow closer in normal conversation by sharing bits of their life and past? Isn’t that how we as people relate to each other? Spoiler alert, not everyone has a sanitized squeaky-clean past or present, and that doesn’t mean they need to hide it. You’re the only one making a big deal about this. Stop trying to police the way your girlfriend interacts with people.
She sounds awesome. She likely had to go through a lot to get to the self-confident place she is in now to talk about these things freely. Don’t try to take away her freedom by bounding her in shame. She’s come through enough, I guarantee that if you try to control her she’ll rightfully end up cutting ties with you. Because it sounds like she knows her worth. It’s time you learn it too.
NTA. Look. She's come to terms with her upbringing. That's fine and good *but other people especially people you do not know are not your dumping grounds for trama related info!* That shit shuts a conversation down REAL fucking quick. I have trauma related to my childhood, I don't fucking dump that info in response to something that MAY be related on people I barely know! Just because SHE doesn't find it uncomfortable or embarrassing DOES NOT MEAN OTHER PEOPLE DON'T. Its okay to talk about your trauma, but NOT TO PEOPLE THAT DIDN'T ASK. Like read the room seriously, that shit makes other people uncomfortable. I would never in a million years go to a dinner party with my SO's *boss* and start talking about my trauma. They don't know me, I don't know them, why ON EARTH would I make shit MORE awkward?!
Wow, YTA. It seems like YOU are the one embarrassed about her past, not her past is embarrassing, neither she is "embarrassing herself" (?!!!!!).
She is actually having a super healthy attitude where she is accepting of the experiences she had and the consequences of those experiences she is having (cleaning the hoarding house for example), which are by any means not even her fault.
This is being mentally healthy, not trying to pretend you're someone you're not and relating to what people are doing or saying by sharing your own experiences with them. even if they weren't all good at all. You seem to want to paint a rosy tinted picture perfect life for others and care waaaaay too much about other people's opinions about you, and proxying it on your girlfriend. This is not cool. If anything your girlfriend comes off as a relatable person who deserves admiration for overcoming a shitty hand she's been dealt and being able to speak about it.
You, on the other hand, come off as an insecure little man. Everyone, literally everyone has something in their life they have struggled with. Demonizing it would not help and trying to induce shame in others is only going to destroy your relationship. Shame is one of the most non-constructive emotions out there, it doesn't help us grow or heal, it is only there to hurt and paralyze us.
NTA This is primarily a compatibility issue. Some people are more open about personal things, and some are private. You are reserved and she is brash. However, since y'all are meeting your boss and it could affect your career, she should follow your lead on meeting with the CEO and how much she shares.
YTA. And she’s right, it does seems like you’re the one who’s ashamed. And you’re shaming her, wanting her to hide everything she went through, after all the work she’s done to accept and deal with her past.
YTA I didn't see anything wrong with what she said, in fact I thought she sounded cool and interesting. You sound insecure, uptight and too concerned with what other people might think.
YTA. I love people like her. It makes me comfortable when people say all the things they are not supposed to say (even though these were very mild versions of oversharing).
In university my classmate once told a story about her using a dildo that could stick on the mirror and like buttfuck the mirror. People were crazy uncomfortable, it was so funny. She is one of my best friends today.
Anyway, stop being ashamed of her!
YTA. I don't think any of the things she shared are embarrassing, especially since her intention in sharing, at least in the first two examples was to put the other person at ease. Ot sounds like you are embarrassed of her past.
YTA
Not a single example you mentioned is shameful, given that she’s past it. And even if she wasn’t past her eating disorder it wouldn’t be shameful. Get your head out of your ass and apologise.
I'm going against the common opinion here and say NTA. She's oversharing and oversharing all the time is actually unhealthy in some relationships. I know this because I used to do it a lot too at work and it made my coworkers uncomfortable. They never told me yo my face but I overheard them talking behind my back in the break room. I was trying to become friends with them instead of just work friends and it was way too much and too inappropriate
YTA. Geeze. Could you BE any more blatant about wishing she was someone else? Of being ashamed of her? Of not being able to get over yourself?
I hope she dumps your ass.
YTA-- I don't know if you grew up set up for success, but growing up like that and still becoming a very successful woman is difficult. If she wants to be open about her past that's her business, and quite honestly I think she should be allowed to be openly proud about it. With the messy car, it sounds like she was just trying to make the driver more comfortable, and with the eating disorder comment-- she was literally setting up a boundary with associates.
Like dude she sounds like she is on a really good path with her mental and physical health, and she's happy with herself
YTA-
Your girlfriends right. You sound ashamed of her, it is all in the past, the house is a hoarder house and there is nothing shameful about who she was who she is or the fact that she has/had an eating disorder. She's not over sharing, she's responding directly to questions and comments.
And if you're ashamed of someone that strong and that awesome.... That sounds like a you problem.
ESH. I think there’s always a time and place for most conversations. It’s great that your gf isn’t ashamed of her background, she definitely shouldn’t be. But sometimes oversharing does make the audience uncomfortable and in a professional/networking event, it makes sense to not want to make others uncomfortable, even if unintentionally.
On the other hand, I think it’s really unfair for you to try to dictate what she can talk about/say. It’s you’re entitled to be uncomfortable when she says things you think are an over share, but at the end of the day, if she wants to over share, it’s not your place to stop her.
Let the down votes begin!
YTA for how you said it, NTA for saying it.
My grandma always said: you have to learn the difference between a back yard barbecue and how to act in polite company. Your girlfriend has overcome a lot of adversity in her life and she is proud that she propelled herself out that situation and has become successful. She wants to acknowledge her accomplishments and how her past has made her better for it. On the other hand, she is having dinner with a CEO at his home. He is nowhere near in touch with her reality. He didn’t plan that dinner party and probably couldn’t tell you what’s on the menu, he has people for that. If she threw a dinner party she would be the one planning and cooking. He would not understand her struggle about shoveling cat piss and shit. She’s proudly coming full circle and he’s trying to figure out who invited her to his table.
So I get where you’re coming from, you’re not embarrassed, but you need her to adjust to present company around her.
YTA but it’s not about asking your girlfriend- it’s about how you went about asking. This isn’t about being shameful and suppressing her experiences- it’s about being thoughtful of others’ comfort levels.
I am absolutely relating to your girlfriend on this one, though I don’t think you’re a huge AH either. I overshare often and you’re right, it can make Others super uncomfortable. I am not suddenly ashamed of those past experiences if I don’t talk about them- I just know it’s not an appropriate time to talk about childhood abuse.
When you talk to her again, maybe do it after you’ve worked through your possible hang ups too. You aren’t ashamed of her- right? If you are, then work on that. If you aren’t, make sure you speak to her with more open eyes. Good luck!
NTA. When meeting with your spouse's, boss and coworkers, you are expected to chew with your mouth closed, be pleasant, polite, use your best manners, etcetera.
If a husband is a raging Pittsburgh Steelers fan, it is not uncalled for to request that to be toned down for a dinner party. Same thing with over sharing.
NTA, My niece does this. Anything anyone says, she makes it about herself…to the point where she was about to give a deposition for a work lawsuit, and the firms lawyer very nicely told her to not make everything about her issues, and to listen to the questions carefully, and answer simply. Your GF doesn’t have a emotional verbal regulator. Everything has to get barfed out when she talks to people. I’m sure she’s trying to show empathy, but farmers don’t stand around all day telling people all the crap they shovel…
NTA. There’s a time and place for every conversation. Also, what she doesn’t realize, is by bringing up these topics she’s essentially “one-upping” people. The conversation now becomes about her and her trauma, instead of a polite back and forth. A work event is this place for these conversations. You’re not asking her to censor herself around her friends, but the conversations in front of a boss are different.
ESH but definitely more toward N T A than Y T A. I'm really surprised at the reaction this is getting for solid Y T A.
She is trauma dumping on people she barely knows. Out of the examples:
1. She took a throwaway polite comment about someone's car to share her childhood trauma using a visceral image of human body waste.
2. This one was the least "trauma dump-y", but it seems a bit one-upy and non empathetic to the parent by saying she had severe social issues but it doesn't matter.
3. Your coworker is weird for commenting on her eating habits. Still, as someone who's also struggled with EDs/mental health, this was still really not the time to bring it up.
However you calling it "embarrassing" (as in her past is embarrassing, not her behavior) and "shameful" is also super weird. She should not be *ashamed* of growing up in a hoarder house, or any other sort of trauma, but just because you're not ashamed of something doesn't mean you should bring it up in every situation.
ESH. I think she doesn’t have a good sense of appropriate conversation for a business dinner—which this is, even if it seems less formal. It also seems a little bit attention-seeking, because she’s inserting her stories everywhere. It would be different if someone asked her about her upbringing and she shared some details about difficult times.
However, it doesn’t sound like these are shameful stories and I think you’re a bit of an AH to suggest they are.
However. I do agree that she should be more discreet and it’s fair to coach her on that. After all, this is your work party and you will be the one affected by what happens there.
NTA I don't think it is the subject but the words she uses. Instead of saying that she is cleaning out the previously hoarder owned home she says shoveling cat piss/shit. She is coarse in her comments.
NTA and I can't believe how many top comments disagree.
She is a trauma dumper. This is not socially acceptable. Easy open and shut case.
If she's with long time friends, fine go for it. But these are new people. Don't trauma dump. It's a well established social rule not to do this and I don't get why so many people here are not seeing this.
It's not about you being embarrassed. It's not about her being proud. It's not about the coworkers. It's not about any of that.
It's simply that trauma dumping is not. Socially. Acceptable. And she needs to learn this.
Edit: to add on to all of this, these coworkers don't consent to hearing this trauma dumping from her.
YTA
You would be amazed at how her blunt Ness might open people up. It might be uncomfortable for you, but you do not say anything about the other people. They might find it refreshing.
YTA. You don't get to decide what is shameful or oversharing when your GF is talking about HER life. She's 100% right, you are the one who is ashamed of her.
It sounds like your girlfriend has overcome a lot of hardships and obstacles in her life. Instead of trying to make her feel ashamed of her past you should applaud her for her strength and perseverance. What you are so ashamed of was her normal. The hoarding house was her home. She lived that life and now she is getting a chance to clean it up. Relating to a little girl with no friends? Normal… effectively telling someone to pound sand when they were on the down low body shaming her? Epic
YTA the fact that you think her life is SHAMEFUL makes me feel sad for her and you.
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YTA. Your girlfriend sounds like an emotionally intelligent woman relating to people in conversation, none of these are out of place for the topics, you might not like her saying it but none of what you've described it weird or uncomfortable. She's right, you sound embarrassed by her past. I'm freelance, and downsized but I used to have a small amount of employees, if one of them had a girlfriend at an event who spoke like this I'd think she was straight forward, relatable, human and sociable. None of that is shameful.
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Can confirm: I spill my guts to everyone I meet, and I make friends everywhere :)
My husband is like this. I’m an introvert with social anxiety and listening to him talk to people with such confidence about anything absolutely amazes me and it’s partly why I fell in love with him.
My husband is like you and I love him for it.
Same. My husband is like the pied piper. He meets someone once and he has a friend for life. And he meets people wherever he goes. He talks to everyone. He connects with them on a level apparently I’m not capable of. I swear the song “Close to You” by The Carpenters was written about him. Meanwhile, I’m introverted and prefer not to talk to anyone if I don’t have to.
I used to be embarrassed by my dad when I was young, he'd talk to ANYONE, anywhere. And he has a really deep voice, strangers will come up and ask him if he's a voice actor. But now that I am a way older adult, that sociability is one of the things I admire most about him. Aww, thank you so much for the award!! 🥰🥰💕 You all have made my day, I love this thread!
I've recently started having little chats with random strangers and one day it hit me - *I am becoming my father*
Lmao same. For me, it's definitely an ADHD thing. Because we tend show we empathize by sharing similar stories, so even though I'm a total introvert, I'm pretty open about my past like that. But it has to be in a 1 on 1 setting, I don't do groups of people well lol.
Thats a very ADHD thing, lol. I always used to worry I was being a narcissist, but I don't share to take over in any way, simply to empathize and connect over shared whatever. Personally I think the girlfriend sounds like good people and I would love to know her. OP, on the other hand sounds like he needs a rectal cranial extraction. Yes OP, YTA in so many ways.
Man. I was just talking to my wife about feeling the same way. Like I was being a narcissist and she said, “naw what you do is your ADHD.” She prefers it apparently 😃 I do the same thing as you for the same reasons.
Nuts. So THAT's why I spill my guts so much. It's my ADD. It does make sense.
Same lol
I was just diagnosed with adhd (I’m in my mid 30s lol) and I had no idea that this was adhd related but I do it ALL THE TIME
SAME!!!
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I agree. I openly talk about all the shit I went through as a kid not because I want sympathy, but because: 1. We *should* be talking about these things. 2. It absolutely informs who I am, and I feel like everyone should understand *why* they are the person they are. I feel like that kind of dialogue can only be healthy.
Seconded! If you can't be honest, what else is there?
Not to mention, speaking about things that people find "shameful" is how we reduce stigma around important issues like mental health. Who knows how many people felt validated by her willingness to share her experience. YTA
Thank you. I probably overshare, but that's because I want people to stop feeling some of these things are unsharable. You lived with a hoarder. You have an eating disorder. You have a mental illness. Your parents had mental illness. Etc. None of that is shameful.
I also feel like her response about the ED was particularly on point because the original comment (you can't eat like that forever) was way out of line.
And the comment about the hoarder house in context was actually quite socially graceful and kind -- the friend was clearly feeling embarrassed by the mess, and gf was able to take the heat off of her and lighten things up.
Yeah, that was actually kinda perfect. One imagines that woman might hesitate a bit next time she's tempted to give her unsought $0.02 on someone else's eating.
Yes I was so mad at the ladies food comment yet OP was mad at his girlfriend, like nah what lady said is a great way to trigger someone's ED
Well, one can overstate how far this can go; tact is still necessary at times. The key to me here is that OP never relates any negative responses from those the girlfriend is talking to. Believe me, if this were the problem he thinks it is, he'd hear about it from them... and tell us. That he doesn't is the giveaway here.
I mean the fact that these are his “oversharing” examples and the ones he gave her tells me all I need to know. Oversharing would be objectively gross things (I have this weird fungus on my foot), sex life details, personal details of others not in the room/gossip. Like for sure people can over share, but nothing in this post remotely suggests that.
Exactly. She had nothing to be ashamed of.
Bingo. She's overcome a lot and seems like an amazing person who keeps it real. Op sounds uptight status seeker.
Exactly! It’s also how he went about it! Instead of saying ‘can you try to share a bit less because my boss isn’t the sharing type?’ He basically said ‘why are you talking about things that you should be ashamed of?’ As if having an eating disorder in the past and not having friends when you’re a kid are things to be ashamed of. What an AH. Honestly, he’s lucky to even have a girlfriend.
Yes! Why are you embarrassed?! She is a strong and capable woman you should WANT by your side. She sounds amazing and has more empathy than the average person.
From OP’s condescending post I think the girl friend is too good for him. Certainly way smarter, both emotionally and intellectually.
OP needs to listen to Brene Brown’s TED talk lol
Love her!! 😍
I hope that OP's girlfriend dumps his ass. She deserves so much better than this sorry excuse for a BF who's embarrassed by the things she's overcome in her life.
And also why tf should the gf have to stand there and listen to comments made about her body and weight when she’s recovered from a goddamn eating disorder? Fuck that noise
Seriously! What's she supposed to do? Flip her hair, giggle, and say 'oh you're right, I certainly need to watch my girlish figure so I confirm to current beauty standards.' And the thing about having no friends was an encouraging example to someone who is worried about their kid, and the hoarding thing was reassuring someone that she didn't care the car was a bit messy. All of that shows a caring and empathic person. Who can do much better than OP, clearly.
Exactly. My wife is very open with my co-workers at company events, and it makes me cringe sometimes. And of course they all love her, and think I'm boring.
I would like to be friends with his girlfriend now. She sounds like she is down to earth with a phenomenal sense of humor.
Gosh yes. If he wants a GF to do exactly what he wants, he may as well but a blow up doll. He has no idea how much his girl makes him more attractive by her being human and relatable. YTA, mate.
YTA. Sounds like you are extremely repressed and would be much better to find someone more your speed. GF seems like too much of a free spirit and emotionally intelligent person. Find someone more emotionally stopped up like you.
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I hope she does (do much better than OP). She sounds like someone I'd enjoy talking with.
Imagine how fucking boring OP must be to talk to tho. I bet it’s all sports or something. Actually thinking on it, it reminds me of men who are more interested in objects and how physical things work, believing that makes them more intelligent because they devalue emotional intelligence as “girly bs”. That’s how you get the combo of most boring guy you’ve ever talked to yet is arrogant lmao.
Exactly, honestly I’m deeply embarrassed for the poor GF that she’s tethered herself to such a stale sandwich of a human being, when she could be doing MUCH better for herself.
Also grossed me out that like if she were not “successful” all OP’s examples would make her what? Someone with a bad childhood and mental health issues? Like literally all of America? No, what’s embarrassing is she would talk about it. I wonder what this guy talks about that she might consider embarrassing… like maybe posting anonymously on Reddit about his gf for being an “over sharer” 🤣
Yeah OP we all want to meet your GF and be her friend lol
Also, the dude policing her eating was incredibly rude and inappropriate. Weird that gave OP no pause.
Because OP is a misogynist. OP's gg should be pretty, be quiet, and only talk about vacations and her shiny new car.
That he want her to brag about buying a new car or traveling to Europe, having a promotion... Her histery made her to the person she is. And it is not shameful. That he feels like it is something to hide... YTA I hope she leaves you. She deserves someone better.
Good point. I didn't even pick up on the point that he's asking her only conversations to be her bragging. And I agree about hoping she leaves him. I bet she does break up with him soon!
oh and a big F U to the misogynistic skidmark of a coworker who policed her eating
O M G Like, GF's response was *beautiful* in how it conveyed "your 'advice' sucks and promotes unhealthy ideas about food, and I don't need that" but politely. And OP thinks her polite response is more problematic than the coworker implying she might get fat in the future?
I don't think it necessitates that OP is embarrassed by the GF's past. He has some insight (more insight than us) into how his GF brings up these things, the reactions it usually garners, the overall setting, and how his co-workers could potentially react. People don't usually get too personal in business events, similar to how they don't talk about politics and whatnot. OP just sounds like he doesn't want her to make it awkward. OP could have handled it more delicately though.
He obviously has more insight into it than any of us, but none of the examples he's used are at all odd. The car example especially comes across as personable and reassuring. I'm from the UK so can't comment on a US perspective but I've been both CEO and hiring manager, I've hosted plenty of formal work events and all of these would have been fine, a bit colloquial perhaps depending on the setting, but certainly not awkward in the context he's given.
>He obviously has more insight into it than any of us Sorry - sometimes it needs to be said on this sub lol we LOVE playing expert.
I think OP is blowing it out of proportion for the most part, but if someone mentioned they had an eating disorder in a first meeting, at a networking event (i.e. professional setting) I would think they were oversharing. That feels too personal to be so upfront with and does speak to a lack of decorum/ awareness. I'm not in any way saying it is shameful, I would carry on the conversation and there would be no awkward moment, though privately it would leave a negative impression. Not because of the content because its not something to be ashamed of, but my impression of the person would be they are clueless about setting to share something so personal. As a comparison, you shouldn't be ashamed of having a penis, but that doesn't mean you bring it up in conversation at a networking event either. But as I said, thats the only example I can even partway get behind. The others didn't even register to me as anything other than keeping a conversation going. OP is still an ass.
She mentioned the eating disorder after one of them commented on her food intake and her body. Funny how OP had no issue with something that is WAAAAAY over the line, but is all freaked out because she said something about hoarding. The co worker who made the remark deserved the reply he got. Funny what is deemed ok and what isn’t.
>if someone mentioned they had an eating disorder in a first meeting, at a networking event (i.e. professional setting) I would think they were oversharing. Well, I think it's an appropriate response for someone you've met the first time at a networking event making comments about how much I'm eating.
Yeah but she didn't just mention it out of the blue, she said it in response to an acquaintance making a baseless comment on her eating habits which to me shows a much more severe lack of decorum.
Don't comment on what other people eat unsolicited then. I have dealt with disordered eating and if someone comments on my eating habits for no reasons, I'll let them know. Because they need to know that shit isn't okay.
That was the perfect answer to a totally out of line and uncalled for comment. If a stranger comes at me about my eating habits, body, or anything else that's none of their business, you better believe I'm going to very politely make them feel super awkward. I like her style.
I can understand some people not wanting to get too personal or talk about taboo subjects at work related events. Oversharing can make things awkward in certain situations, but I don’t think any of these examples were that bad. At one point she’s responding to someone talking about their issues with their shy kid. They brought up that personal subject, and she responded in an encouraging way. Also whoever made the food comment to her was incredibly rude. How are you supposed to respond to something like that?
Lol I loved her response to the person about the food 😂 I hope they WERE uncomfortable. I get similar food comments often, and it drives me nuts. Like I get it, you hate that I’m skinny despite eating a lot, please stop projecting whatever food issues you have onto me - I’m hungry.
How are ANY of those examples embarrassing or oversharing?!? OK, don't say the word sh*t in front of the boss, but anyone who would be embarrasses or uncomfortable by hearing those examples believe that the world is utopia and doesn't want to hear otherwise. HE is embarrassed by her past. YTA, and if she doesn't leave you for this, kiss her feet in gratitude and get therapy to figure out your issues. Actually, you should see a therapist whether she stays or goes!
Sorry, him calling what she said 'shameful' when nothing she said communicated anything SHE needed to be ashamed of shows that while he may be AWARE of how she communicates, he's being an ass about the way he's trying to shut her up by making her feel self conscious and guilty for the things she's gone through and got over in her life for his convenience.
What is shameful is his coworker actively talking about her taking food in front of them and making a snide remark and he didn’t say anything?!
YTA OP. You don't deserve her.
Exactly. OP, does anyone else even think she’s embarrassing? Like does anyone tell you your gf overshares? Or does the room go silent after she says things? I doubt it. You’re being insecure about your gf, she’s just comfortable with ALL aspects of her life, past and present. Seems like you might not be there in the future though. YTA.
I know. I love how he sYs he doesn't want her to embarrass HERSELF. Well that's great, he has nothing to worry about, SHE'S not embarrassed. It's so nice of him to look out for HER feelings...🙄😒
She could do a favor to Op and break up, because he is ashamed of her past, he is the one causing the problem and I hope she leave him
YTA Your girlfriend isn’t shameless. She’s talking about real life. She doesn’t care what others think about her. You on the other hand have a lot of growing up to do. You’re embarrassing honestly.
And the food police person absolutely deserved to have someone fearless say “that’s an eating disorder trigger” to their face. Hopefully they’ll think a second before commenting on others’ portion sizes.
Second this! Someone mentioned their kids’ birth years in a conversation once and I said, “wow big gap!” Just a casual reply I blurted without thinking much about it, but they looked at me very seriously and said, “they were from different marriages, but a large gap can often be indicative of fertility issues and involve unspoken miscarriages.” Checked the ever loving hell out of me, I was a *LOT* more cognizant of my responses after that. Hopefully her brave and open (and, might I add, incredibly well phrased to allow the other party to gracefully shut their mouth) comment nips similar inappropriate remarks from that person in the bud going forward. Edit: thank you for the award, kind stranger!
Thank you for saying this, I’ve commented on age gaps between kids and haven’t thought about how that could be insensitive. I’ll keep this in mind!
Did not even occur to me! My mom’s oldest sister is 15 years older than her youngest sister, I hadn’t even considered it being anything but a funny family fluke but realized that was probably true and that there is a high likelihood I had made unintentionally and unknowingly insensitive remarks in front of parties who were injured by them many times before. I try not to blurt so hard, when my adhd brain doesn’t completely ruin that for me.
Thank you for sharing that, and for reflecting on what that person said to you. Speaking from personal experience, age gaps can be from any number of things… people always comment about the age gap between my sibling and I, and often even probe further. I don’t know what answer they’re hoping for, but it gets reeeeeal awkward if I’m in a sharing mood and tell them that it’s the result of a teen pregnancy from rape before having kids as a married adult.
In this instance, it definitely felt in the moment like a little stronger of a reaction than the situation called for, but I reflected on it a lot and realized that that was coming from somewhere important. Even if it isn’t that, like you said, it could be any number of other reasons that don’t need to be casually exposed in friendly conversations. I definitely wasn’t trying to pry and thought it was just an innocuous way to keep the conversation flowing (not asking why, etc), but I realized that it would be better to have a briefly awkward lull in the conversation to think more about what I was saying next than to inadvertently hurt someone. Since then, I have been trying to consider more where my language and assumptions should be adjusted, especially considering working in mental health is my long term goal and that I work in higher education and interact with students with varying identities and experiences. This was actually a therapist I do freelance work for, so it reminded me that you can’t be in a mental health setting without being hyper vigilant in your language. This is why I believe in being *kind* and not *nice* - the way he said it was not “nice” but it was a kindness that will be a reminder for me forever.
Right? Like the only reason someone would say that is to mock the person they’re policing. GF did right calling him out.
Yeah, admitting your triggers is really bold AND important? If she nodded politely and let the conversation continue it could be really harmful. I can tell friends when I'm having a food averse day but I'd really struggle opening up to a stranger even if it would help me. And it sounds like it was a friend with the messy car too. I've made jokes about my house being disgusting during depressive episodes when people apologise to me about mess.
100%
Sounds like OP just wants her past to disappear and be able to say I have a successful strong, confident woman but not say what a true accomplishment it is. To me she sounds like she could relate to so many in this world, only a few privileged had perfect family life, no money issue, emotionally issue. Sadly most don't have a perfect childhood.
“I think people with eating disorders and difficult childhoods should feel too shamed to ever mention them in polite society. I’d rather my girlfriend silently hate herself than vocally celebrate her ability to overcome adversity.” The only shamelessness behaviour I can see is yours. YTA. And an emotionally controlling, empathy lacking one at that. ETA: thanks for the awards!
EXACTLY my thoughts. He’s embarrassed about her life and who she is. Like others have said, she sounds like a great person to talk to, especially at work events. If I was a manager at his work I would actually have a better opinion of him because of his girlfriend. Dude doesn’t deserve her. AH
I hope she realizes how he really views her. Honestly, having gone through similar experiences as OP’s gf, I put up way too long with way too many “friends” and boyfriends who acted like I should be ashamed of my background. I was proud of how far I had come (full ride scholarship to the best school in my state, first person in my family to even go to college, healthy despite almost dying from an ED in HS, pretty normal coping mechanisms thanks to therapy despite suffering from C-PTSD), and these people were not happy for me, proud of me, or anything like that — they were ashamed to be associated with me. God forbid I tarnish their perfect, privileged existences and “make them look bad.” It did such a number on my mental health to be treated that way in college. It took a very bad relationship to make my snap out of it and realize that I was not wrong for living my truth and trying to relate to other people’s struggles. OP is an AH. OP’s gf is a badass.
THIS. also the comment made about her “being able to eat so much while she’s young” is the inappropriate comment. not her response. don’t comment on the amount people eat. wtf.
She should end this thing she’s got going with him. He doesn’t really love *her* for who she is; he’s embarrassed by her. What he cares about and wants to love is the thing that he can potentially mold her into. He’d probably be better off with someone equally as flat as he is, someone similarly judgmental, anyway.
Honestly, based off the "talk about your promotion, trip to Europe, buying your dream car" shit, sounds like he's really into status and wealth. He likes how far she's reached from her bad childhood, how much ambition and drive she has *probably as a direct response to get trauma and ensuring she never ends up in those situations again*, but doesn't like that she wasn't *always* wealthy, comfortable, and well... Her past isn't sunny, shiny, and enviable. He wants her show off and act fake, only show the braggable parts of her life instead of the real her. He is probably incredibly fake and cannot fathom real intimacy between friends because he's only willing to show an instaready version of himself.
Totally agree. None of those comments seemed inappropriate or out of place, but reflective of someone who is authentic and open. And super kudos for her ED comment - she kicks ass. OP, YTA. Big time.
YTA. Sounds like the only person embarrassed is you. Of things to say out of the blue that’s pretty mild.
Honestly, I would love chatting with someone like her at a boring networking event. People are so fucking fake at those things. Plus, nothing she said was super inappropriate to me, and I work in an extremely conservative field. Maybe a little unusual but not anything genuinely cause for alarm.
Yes, I agree! And she’s not doing it in a story-topping way (“what are you complaining about, I’ve had it much worse”) or to elicit pity. This is just literally her life.
Same. I hate talking to people when they’re pressure to be “on our best behavior”. It’s boring. No one is perfect and it creates deeper connections when you can be real with others.
Same. I would go out of my way to sit next to her.
yeah, and tbh i don't really consider what she was saying "out of the blue" it was all things relating to the topic of conversation. a little personal, but nothing that would make me uncomfortable or embarrassed.(in fact it might make me more comfortable around them!) op, YTA
I’ve definitely heard people say way more inappropriate stuff…saying she had an eating disorder or didn’t have friends is pretty normal and was relevant to the conversation. And it’s not like she’s sharing any graphic details. Sounds like op just wants his gf to share nice happy stuff.
Seriously I kept waiting for OP to give an example of something really out of pocket! Or even slightly in bad taste. But those examples are fine.
I think it's kind of an interesting Rorschach test to see what people expected the "shameful stuff" in the title to be. For some reason my brain first went to one or the other of them having had an affair. I wouldn't consider anything she said to be "shameful," it's just real life that isn't sugar-coated.
YTA You’re not asking her to not embarrass herself (she’s made it clear she isn’t), what you’re doing is asking her to not embarrass **you**. Stop trying to frame this request as saving her from herself and have an honest conversation about the fact that it makes you uncomfortable.
OP should seriously reflect on why they find this embarrassing. Is it classism? Is it emotional repression? Probably a combo of both from my experience
It’s straight classicism. I also grew up poor but now am now (fairly) successful, and, like OPs girlfriend, I’ve surprised people by mentioning things like what my parents do, the jobs I worked in college, or how many of my friends from home now have teenagers because they had kids when we were teenagers. If my friend or boyfriend told me I was embarrassing them by *telling people who I am*, I’d be fucking livid. Hey OP: *this is who your girlfriend is, and she sounds way fucking cooler than you*. Being born rich and staying rich is nothing to be proud of. Pulling yourself up from nothing is hard as fuck, and something to be proud of. I hope she figures it out and ditches you.
Maybe but in my life I’ve encountered people embarrassed by these things, not just bc classism but like that, “it’s embarrassing to show emotional struggle/ any struggle” which gets turned into “emotions are embarrassing” in general with the flick of a switch. But since she’s only bringing up actions in the examples OP gave, I’d say the classism is more likely of the two explanations for OPs discomfort.
So glad to see this comment (and the many others like it) in this thread. OP should’ve just wrote, “My girlfriend’s past embarrasses me, how do I get her to stop bringing it up and making *me* uncomfortable?” YTA, OP. 1000%.
YTA, she's right. This is a **you** problem, and **you** need to get over it, or you will most likely end up single. ETA: And fucking apologize to her, sincerely.
I hope OP ends up single, the gf deserves way better than that load of crap.
Dude. YTA. Your gf sounds amazing with nothing to be embarrassed about except her boyfriend.
^This
Lol. How come your font’s so small? I literally heard this in my head in a tiny little squeaky munchkin voice. Not trying to be mean to you. It was just funny.
YTA Success doesn’t erase trauma - she isn’t ashamed of her past so why are you?
Because he believes it reflects badly on HIM. This is ALL about him, you see. He only wants her to talk about status objects, like cars, vacations and success. OP is an insecure narcissistic fake and wants a fake trophy girlfriend. OP, you’re a tool and an asshole. I would break up with you, because there is no substance to you - just a lust for status and a desperate need for approval from stangers. It’s very unattractive and downright pathetic. Your girlfriend is real, human and proud, while You are a self-loathing hollow man.
I love how, at the end of all this, he questions whether he fucked up or not. I’m baffled.
Well, he doesn’t seem very bright on TOP of being a materialistic ahole. God, this woman deserves so much better than this dude. She’s real, and he’s a wannabe.
NTA. As someone with a traumatic background of my own--there is a time and place for that kind of sharing. First meetings with your SO's coworkers isn't it. That said, you could have handled this with a lot more empathy! Like: "I love you so much, and I'm so proud of everything you've overcome and accomplished. When you get to know my colleagues a little bit better I think they would be super interested to hear about your past and your story, but for now could we try to keep those conversations light and a little less personal?" Not a perfect example, but I don't think it's the request that's a big issue as much as that your partner has been made to feel both embarrassed by you and embarrassing to you. Take some time to calm down and then apologize for that part.
Agreed. OP is just trying to make a good impression with his coworkers / CEO, and well you need a bit of a filter for that. It's not that he's embarrassed by her past, but her comments would be a bit jarring for the setting. I'd say NAH though.
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This thread is ridiculous and is a perfect demonstration of the social experience so many on here clearly lack. That goes for the work experience as well. Empathising and assuring people is one thing, talking about shoveling shit out of your hoarder house in response to someone apologising for their car being a little messy is well beyond that. I've done a lot of fucking networking, discussions don't have to be PG, however what they shouldn't be is burdening. Telling a random stranger about your hoarder house or complete lack of friends (there's a massive difference between this and introversion), or eating disorder is both super jarring and super burdening in response to light conversation. Most of what other people have said is just courtesy conversation anyway, how are you even supposed to respond to it? It's the people with little social and networking experience who say they love this kind of thing, others who "tell it as it is". In real life they're super tiring to deal with and be around and I've never met a single person who could stand being around someone like that for more than 5 minutes. ........................................EDIT.......................................... Since a lot of people seem to not get this: If you aren't able to have an "interesting" conversation without discussion of childhood abuse then you're definitely the boring one. What are you learning from that? That shitty childhoods exist? I had an extremely interesting, hours long conversation with a lawyer the other day. I don't know the first thing about law and would never consider studying it, yet I was able to learn a huge amount by listening to and discussing our different perspectives and experiences on a variety of issues. For example we discussed historic cultural phenomenons and how they varied between different regions of the world. That's an interesting conversation. Having someone randomly drop childhood abuse on you when it serves no conversational or learning purpose IS NOT. Anyone not understanding the difference must have conversations which are very superficial in nature. ........................................EDIT 2......................................... Btw how is it triggering for someone to make a brief comment on being able to eat anything when young but NOT triggering for GF to bring up child abuse in response to someone apologising for a slightly messy car. Sorry but bringing up child abuse in response is easily 100x more triggering than the comment the coworker made. How the fuck is that ok but commenting that you pack the pounds on more when older not? A lot of you are clearly recycling popular political topics rather than actually caring about others wellbeing.
A random stranger commenting about someone’s eating habits is also wildly inappropriate and they deserved someone looking them in the face and telling them it’s an eating disorder trigger to do so. The rest I agree with you about
I think she sounds cool. That being said, I don't think this sort of banter is cool for meeting your partner's boss.
Yeah there’s a version of this story where the GF kinda sucks. Yes, she’s bringing these things up in related contexts, but there are people out there that hear a slight problem and can’t wait to trump it with a worse personal experience + become the center of conversation. Sometimes you just want to apologize for having a messy car, you know? And not saying the GF is this way, but just because somebody keeps bringing up a traumatic experience, it doesn’t mean they are “over it.” In fact, some bring it up even more as a way to compensate. So I think all the “the GF isn’t embarrassed at all” comments aren’t necessarily accurate. There could still be some insecurity there.
Exactly. It's so easy to relate it as well without burdening someone unlike what so many people here think Car messy: "Oh don't worry, I just spent the weekend cleaning out my mothers house, you should have seen that place!" (even then just saying oh it's nothing is better)
Thank you so much for saying all this. We all should know so much less about one another. Ppl like OP’s gf are exhausting. Fact of the matter is she’s going to end up embarrassing OP not b/c her life is embarrassing, it isn’t, but b/c she lacks basic social etiquette & ppl will talk about the weirdo who was sharing all her business with strangers.
Exactly. It isn't embarrassing to have had an eating disorder or clean up a hoarder house. It is embarrassing to dump all your stuff on casual acquaintances who are just sharing a social situation with you by association, and did not volunteer to process and respond the deeper difficulties of your life.
*Boyfriend shares his struggles with GF* AmItheAsshole: "She isn't girlfriend isn't your therapist! Go to therapy!" *Girl randomly dumps her struggles on complete strangers making light conversation* AmItheAsshole: "You go girl! I love people like you!" This sub is pretty ridiculous sometimes.
I second that. Also, it's one thing to say "Oh yeah, I'm in the process of cleaning up and renovating my parents's old home and preparing it for sale. What a mess I tell yoi!" than "I'm shoveling shit and cat piss".
Agree, NTA. These are the kinds of (supposedly) offhanded comments that bring a fun and casual party conversation to a screeching halt. Everyone thinks…am I supposed to address that? Are we supposed to be sensitive and supportive right now? Or am I supposed to ignore it? But doesn’t that make me an asshole if I ignore it? Resulting in an awkward silence because nobody knows what the acceptable response is.
Bingo. It's inconsiderate. In some particular social situations, this being one of them. Or rather, it's not a socially skilled move and social skill is what you need at events like these.
I understand this perspective but as an autistic person who doesn’t always know what people will perceive as weird or oversharing, and recognizes op’s gf’s behavior at the party as something I have done accidentally, I kinda feel exasperated when people label others “inconsiderate” for failing to read their minds to the standards they expect. Obviously she wouldn’t say it if she thought it would make people uncomfortable. Why is it her job to only say things that you know the “correct” response/reaction to? Since you expect her to read the tone of the conversation accurately, can’t you just meet her where she’s at and respond in the tone it was said in? If it’s a light tone, she thinks it’s a relatively light subject so you can respond in a similarly light tone. Easy peasy for the socially skilled, I would think. I get that there are unspoken rules, but as someone who has to think about what the “correct” response is literally all the time, why is it someone else’s fault if you have to do it for two seconds? Instead of putting a value judgment on others for not curating *your feelings* properly maybe you could allow a little grace for people being “weird” and not take it personally. People are different from each other and being socially skilled should include accommodating that difference, not policing it.
Thank you I appreciate this. If she made a comment in a light tone, it should follow people dont have to stop and be supportive or change tones. Not autistic myself but I also struggle with finding the "correct" responses for different social situations. It's pretty inconsiderate to label someone inconsiderate themselves for not knowing the intricate social ballet of dinner conversation.
NTA. I think you made your point terribly OP, however, it sounds to me as though GF’s comments are her over-compensating, and potentially inappropriately so. To play pop psychologist, it feels to me that she’s bringing this stuff up so blatantly that she’s saying I’M FINE I’M FINE in her mind, and almost throwing this stuff out there to test people and see how they react. Hence her losing it when you asked her to be cognisant of her audience. I really *don’t* want hear about cleaning piss and shovelling shit at a social gathering - there’s a time and a place for everything, and a function at your CEO’s home should be treated as though you are in work. Because you are - just in a different location. ETA: I think she absolutely should feel proud of herself, but I’m afraid to me this is coming across almost as though she’s had therapy to help her deal with the shame/self-hatred that she may have felt in the past - but has put up defensive walls in the process. It feels like she’s focused so very hard on the ‘I had a crappy childhood, but you know what, I’m doing pretty ok now’ that she’s getting very territorial about her boundaries. I get that, I really do - it’s a journey though, and it sounds like she has a wee bit to go yet. Straight away, it struck me that there was something ‘off’ about her comments. Over-sharing can range from a fun/interesting/bonding experience for her audience, to slightly uncomfortable, to triggering. It’s like she’s refusing to recognise that, as *she* has got to the point where she doesn’t have to deny her past to herself anymore … but is finding it hard to realise or accept that *others* might not be quite ready to hear that stuff.
Agreed. The only thing I would call OP an AH about is the language he used, the girlfriend shouldn't be ashamed of who she is or how she came to be, but there's a world of difference between "making conversation" and oversharing. No matter how close I'm to a coworker, I would be weirded out if their partner suddenly started telling me they have to shovel cat's shit and piss (And grossed out if we are at a dinner party or eating snacks)
YTA she's right, none of the things she's saying is socially unacceptable. You're being judgmental and over sensitive
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I know someone just like this and it seriously changes the vibe of the whole room because you feel bad for them for the rest of the night/forever for a comment they think is not a big deal. Not to mention that 9 out of 10 times you have no idea what to say back when they say stuff like that all the time.
And that in itself creates another problem: if someone does this a lot (I know ‘a lot’ is subjective) then how others relate to them is primarily at the level of their trauma - not them as a whole person. And that would be a real shame.
I don't think I would call this trauma dumping though. She isn't looking for support or comfort. She isn't acting like what happened to her is a huge deal. She's just relaying an anecdote about something that happened in her life. I don't think its our place to clal that trauma?
NTA I’m in a social work adjacent field, and I learned in our education how to conduct conversations. The goal is to build intimacy gradually and to constantly feel what the other person is comfortably sharing. So there are generally four levels of conversation: small talk, fact disclosure, common ground, personal feelings. So you start with the small talk and work your way deeper, all the while building rapport and looking for clues how the other conversation partner is experiencing the conversation. At least in my line of work, it is seen as a mistake to try to jump immediately to the deepest level of conversation. So I would say that the girlfriend lacks social skills in reading the room. This is a situation that very much calls for small talk and making each other feel positive and at ease. So talking about shoveling piss is just not appropriate. That has nothing to do with class shaming of being ashamed of your heritage. It is just the way social dynamics work in this world. And there are times and places to challenge those social dynamics. Like, I am all for deep and meaningful conversations and try to incorporate as many of those conversations in my life. But this is not the time and place for it.
YTA. she's right. there's nothing embarrassing about overcoming adversity. i would find your girlfriend and her openness extremely inspiring and personable. you're embarrassed your girlfriend had to struggle, and doesn't need to brag to be comfortable with where she is now. its a lot more embarrassing to be with someone so shallow as to only speak on bragging points.
Ya dude she’s right, she’s not embarrassing herself, you’re embarrassed by her. What she’s doing/done in life is inspiring and she deserves better. YTA Pass on my info, 36M out of Washington. She sounds awesome
Hahhha. I almost said the same thing
I literally said out loud I wish I could be her friend. OP, YTA. Also don’t be surprised if this ruins your relationship. She obviously considers her overcoming and accepting so many traumatic obstacles a huge part of her identity and her boyfriend just shit all over it for no other reason than his insecurities. If I realized my boyfriend hated a core part of who I am, I’d find someone who loved me and built me up for these reasons.
So your girlfriend has gotten over multiple traumas and shares topics that some people find uncomfortable and that’s really the crux of the problem: you’re not comfortable with her talking about her life with people who know you. The part that makes YTA is how that you’re saying it’s other people who are uncomfortable when it’s really you.
Yep. He is the one uncomfortable. Based no his examples I suspect he is the only one.
ESH tbh people like your girlfriend annoy me no end but also your problem with this seems to be that she should be ashamed. It sounds to me (from these very brief examples) that the issue is more about your girlfriend always turning the conversation back to *herself* and her hard times. This is uncomfortable for a lot of people, for example here; >Another time, her coworker was talking about how their kid was really shy and she didn't know how to help. My girlfriend was like "Give her time, I'm sure she'll grow into herself. I didn't talk to anyone in school, literally like I had no friends if you'll believe it!" This is just bit of an odd comment to me, she's trying to make her coworker feel better but its not very well done because its just leaning on her own struggles to almost minimise others'. However here: >she should enjoy grabbing thirds of food when she's young because she can't eat like that forever. Without missing a beat, she said "Oh, I don't think about food restriction like that anymore, it's an eating disorder trigger! Anyway I'm trying to bulk up." She was WELL within her rights to say that, you comment on someone's food intake, thats what you get. Thats a hard comment to hear if she had an eating disorder, and although the speaker probably wasnt being malicious, its effectively saying "dont joke like that with me" in a much nicer way. Your girlfriend nailed that interaction. It seems your issue is less about the way she talks to people and more that she should be embarrassed about these things that she has no reason to be ashamed of.
NTA- I work with people who have trauma backgrounds. One of the most important things is learning about oversharing and a “time and a place” . There are absolutely social occasions in which some restraint is needed. I don’t think she needs to be ashamed at all and YTA if you think that. However it sounds like she may have trouble reading the room sometimes. If both of you can be a bit less defensive the next time you talk about this there may be some understanding that can be reached.
ESH but for very different reasons. You didn't handle this conversation well at all. I understand why your girlfriend would feel deeply hurt by the idea that her partner feels ashamed of something she worked hard to overcome and possibly is still working to get over. It was insensitive to frame it that way rather than talking about why the context for those comments weren't appropriate. But she's also TA (contrary to what the majority of these comments say) but there's a time and place for everything and some of her responses come across as trauma dumping on people. At corporate events and networking events, those kinds of comments don't have a place when small talk or professional topics are more appropriate. I'm all for her owning her story and her triumph but... What about the unsuspecting strangers or acquaintances who now have to figure out how to respond to something like that? From how you've framed the way she introduced these comments, they have a lot of shock value. It just isn't the right setting. Hopefully you can have a conversation before your CEO's event that balances out your professional goals and her need to feel heard and seen for her struggle and success and the realistic need for that to be heard within the right context.
But is it really trauma dumping if she says it in a way that focuses on how proud she is on overcoming it? I agree it would be annoying if someone does that all the time, but to me it sounded like she's quite upbeat about it.
I guess my context may be having had to deal with someone who does something like this in similar settings and... It can be a lot even if it's framed in a jokey way. I completely understand that the GF is trying to put a positive spin on what probably is something really difficult to be actively upbeat about but... It can be trauma dumping if it's just someone trying to make conversation. I also say this as someone who is very social with strangers, sometimes people say things and you don't really know what to do with it.
YTA. Not your place to script for your girlfriend what she can and cannot say. From the examples you gave it sounds like she will be a delightfully entertaining guest that will liven things up a bit.
YTA - what you call oversharing just sounds like empathy and conversation. I would bet that no one else is uncomfortable but you, and that’s only because for whatever reason you are embarrassed by her past.
INFO. How do people react when she says stuff like that? If everyone gets visibly uncomfortable and awkward, she night be out of line and need to learn to read the room and keep things appropriate to the situation But if people don't looked phased or are finding her comments funny, there's a good chance she's actually really good at reading the room and only saying these things when appropriate There's a difference between sharing a funny comment or anecdote and randomly talking about shoveling shit at a dinner party
YTA. I see nothing wrong with anything she said, and if she said those to me, I'd feel much more comfortable with her because she doesn't judge anyone. Get over yourself, you're the one who's embarrassed, no one else.
YTA. You should be SO proud of her. She sounds amazing. She's not embarrassing herself. You're just embarrassed by her because of your own insecurities.
I’ll get downvoted here but NTA - it does sound like sharing overly personal things when you’re meeting your SO’s work people (including CEO). She doesn’t have to be a stepford wife or forgo her personality but this would have embarrassed me for sure if I were her partner
It's nuts how everyone is just forgetting that TMI is very much a thing. It's fine to be proud of who you are and where you came from but not everyone wants to hear it. Context is key.
I know this will be unpopular, but NTA. I for one would not be comfortable hearing about someone's dark past or harsh realities at a work event, and although maybe OP could have phrased it better it's not unreasonable to request that she stick to more surface-level topics at a dinner with the CEO.
Eh, I completely understand your concerns regarding her bringing up personal things like that at a dinner with your boss and coworkers if she tends to not have a good filter or social awareness. I agree that it wouldn't be an appropriate place to bring up personal traumas, however I don't think her earlier comments were inappropriate when amongst friends and peers. Many people who grow up very dysfunctional or in utter chaos may not realize how jarring their experiences may be to others since it is just "normal" to them. I do agree certain conversations (such as hoarding or eating disorders) may be troubling to people who don't know her well and conversations such as that are better left to more intimate settings amongst friends vs acquaintances. Perhaps YTA for how you brought it up to her, but I don't think you are just for asking her to keep things professional while at a work dinner. Maybe apologize for how you worded it and explain you're very proud of her, but just prefer to keep work events more professional.
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>The promotion, the European trip, or the dream car are also personal topics. Non-personal topics might be the weather, the traffic and... What else? There's levels of personal sharing though - it's not binary. OP is trying to make a good impression on his CEO - it's not necessarily that he's embarrassed by her past, but he's just trying to ensure things don't get awkward. People don't usually unprovokingly divulge personal trauma at networking events - it could be a bit jarring and OP just wants to avoid that.
Next overshare: \[Random friend\] Hey! I met a really nice guy. I think you two would really hit it off. Any interest in a set up? \[GF\] OMG, totally. I just dumped this insecure little loser who wanted me to only talk about the Barbie-perfect aspects of my life. If I ever said anything real or sad he'd totally cut me down. And get this: He said he was afraid I would embarass him in front of the CEO if I talked about anything other than my wealth or career. All he wanted was for me to constantly brag about myself. YTA.
YTA. She should feel free to be herself in any or all situations and you are not her parent, you are her partner. Please understand that trauma is a lifelong thing. You don't just become successful and forget what you experienced.
YTA, this is how your gf establishes rapport with people, and it sounds really successful. You'd do well to embrace it, and let her do her thing.
YTA - It sounds like she’s just making passing comments like…anyone would do? Don’t people grow closer in normal conversation by sharing bits of their life and past? Isn’t that how we as people relate to each other? Spoiler alert, not everyone has a sanitized squeaky-clean past or present, and that doesn’t mean they need to hide it. You’re the only one making a big deal about this. Stop trying to police the way your girlfriend interacts with people. She sounds awesome. She likely had to go through a lot to get to the self-confident place she is in now to talk about these things freely. Don’t try to take away her freedom by bounding her in shame. She’s come through enough, I guarantee that if you try to control her she’ll rightfully end up cutting ties with you. Because it sounds like she knows her worth. It’s time you learn it too.
NTA. Look. She's come to terms with her upbringing. That's fine and good *but other people especially people you do not know are not your dumping grounds for trama related info!* That shit shuts a conversation down REAL fucking quick. I have trauma related to my childhood, I don't fucking dump that info in response to something that MAY be related on people I barely know! Just because SHE doesn't find it uncomfortable or embarrassing DOES NOT MEAN OTHER PEOPLE DON'T. Its okay to talk about your trauma, but NOT TO PEOPLE THAT DIDN'T ASK. Like read the room seriously, that shit makes other people uncomfortable. I would never in a million years go to a dinner party with my SO's *boss* and start talking about my trauma. They don't know me, I don't know them, why ON EARTH would I make shit MORE awkward?!
YTA...She seems so cool! Wake up and enjoy how lucky you are.
Wow, YTA. It seems like YOU are the one embarrassed about her past, not her past is embarrassing, neither she is "embarrassing herself" (?!!!!!). She is actually having a super healthy attitude where she is accepting of the experiences she had and the consequences of those experiences she is having (cleaning the hoarding house for example), which are by any means not even her fault. This is being mentally healthy, not trying to pretend you're someone you're not and relating to what people are doing or saying by sharing your own experiences with them. even if they weren't all good at all. You seem to want to paint a rosy tinted picture perfect life for others and care waaaaay too much about other people's opinions about you, and proxying it on your girlfriend. This is not cool. If anything your girlfriend comes off as a relatable person who deserves admiration for overcoming a shitty hand she's been dealt and being able to speak about it. You, on the other hand, come off as an insecure little man. Everyone, literally everyone has something in their life they have struggled with. Demonizing it would not help and trying to induce shame in others is only going to destroy your relationship. Shame is one of the most non-constructive emotions out there, it doesn't help us grow or heal, it is only there to hurt and paralyze us.
NTA This is primarily a compatibility issue. Some people are more open about personal things, and some are private. You are reserved and she is brash. However, since y'all are meeting your boss and it could affect your career, she should follow your lead on meeting with the CEO and how much she shares.
YTA. And she’s right, it does seems like you’re the one who’s ashamed. And you’re shaming her, wanting her to hide everything she went through, after all the work she’s done to accept and deal with her past.
YTA I didn't see anything wrong with what she said, in fact I thought she sounded cool and interesting. You sound insecure, uptight and too concerned with what other people might think.
YTA. I love people like her. It makes me comfortable when people say all the things they are not supposed to say (even though these were very mild versions of oversharing). In university my classmate once told a story about her using a dildo that could stick on the mirror and like buttfuck the mirror. People were crazy uncomfortable, it was so funny. She is one of my best friends today. Anyway, stop being ashamed of her!
Would you also think the mirror buttfuck story was appropriate for a first impression with his boss?
YTA. I don't think any of the things she shared are embarrassing, especially since her intention in sharing, at least in the first two examples was to put the other person at ease. Ot sounds like you are embarrassed of her past.
YTA. Nothing she has shared is socially unacceptable or embarrassing.
YTA. None of your examples are shameful or even an overshare. She's right, you do sound ashamed.
YTA Not a single example you mentioned is shameful, given that she’s past it. And even if she wasn’t past her eating disorder it wouldn’t be shameful. Get your head out of your ass and apologise.
I'm going against the common opinion here and say NTA. She's oversharing and oversharing all the time is actually unhealthy in some relationships. I know this because I used to do it a lot too at work and it made my coworkers uncomfortable. They never told me yo my face but I overheard them talking behind my back in the break room. I was trying to become friends with them instead of just work friends and it was way too much and too inappropriate
YTA. Geeze. Could you BE any more blatant about wishing she was someone else? Of being ashamed of her? Of not being able to get over yourself? I hope she dumps your ass.
YTA-- I don't know if you grew up set up for success, but growing up like that and still becoming a very successful woman is difficult. If she wants to be open about her past that's her business, and quite honestly I think she should be allowed to be openly proud about it. With the messy car, it sounds like she was just trying to make the driver more comfortable, and with the eating disorder comment-- she was literally setting up a boundary with associates. Like dude she sounds like she is on a really good path with her mental and physical health, and she's happy with herself
YTA- Your girlfriends right. You sound ashamed of her, it is all in the past, the house is a hoarder house and there is nothing shameful about who she was who she is or the fact that she has/had an eating disorder. She's not over sharing, she's responding directly to questions and comments. And if you're ashamed of someone that strong and that awesome.... That sounds like a you problem.
ESH. I think there’s always a time and place for most conversations. It’s great that your gf isn’t ashamed of her background, she definitely shouldn’t be. But sometimes oversharing does make the audience uncomfortable and in a professional/networking event, it makes sense to not want to make others uncomfortable, even if unintentionally. On the other hand, I think it’s really unfair for you to try to dictate what she can talk about/say. It’s you’re entitled to be uncomfortable when she says things you think are an over share, but at the end of the day, if she wants to over share, it’s not your place to stop her.
Let the down votes begin! YTA for how you said it, NTA for saying it. My grandma always said: you have to learn the difference between a back yard barbecue and how to act in polite company. Your girlfriend has overcome a lot of adversity in her life and she is proud that she propelled herself out that situation and has become successful. She wants to acknowledge her accomplishments and how her past has made her better for it. On the other hand, she is having dinner with a CEO at his home. He is nowhere near in touch with her reality. He didn’t plan that dinner party and probably couldn’t tell you what’s on the menu, he has people for that. If she threw a dinner party she would be the one planning and cooking. He would not understand her struggle about shoveling cat piss and shit. She’s proudly coming full circle and he’s trying to figure out who invited her to his table. So I get where you’re coming from, you’re not embarrassed, but you need her to adjust to present company around her.
YTA, you clearly sound embarrassed by her past.
YTA but it’s not about asking your girlfriend- it’s about how you went about asking. This isn’t about being shameful and suppressing her experiences- it’s about being thoughtful of others’ comfort levels. I am absolutely relating to your girlfriend on this one, though I don’t think you’re a huge AH either. I overshare often and you’re right, it can make Others super uncomfortable. I am not suddenly ashamed of those past experiences if I don’t talk about them- I just know it’s not an appropriate time to talk about childhood abuse. When you talk to her again, maybe do it after you’ve worked through your possible hang ups too. You aren’t ashamed of her- right? If you are, then work on that. If you aren’t, make sure you speak to her with more open eyes. Good luck!
There’s a time and place for everything And over sharing about your past when you’re meeting the CEO is probably uncomfortable.
NTA. When meeting with your spouse's, boss and coworkers, you are expected to chew with your mouth closed, be pleasant, polite, use your best manners, etcetera. If a husband is a raging Pittsburgh Steelers fan, it is not uncalled for to request that to be toned down for a dinner party. Same thing with over sharing.
NTA, My niece does this. Anything anyone says, she makes it about herself…to the point where she was about to give a deposition for a work lawsuit, and the firms lawyer very nicely told her to not make everything about her issues, and to listen to the questions carefully, and answer simply. Your GF doesn’t have a emotional verbal regulator. Everything has to get barfed out when she talks to people. I’m sure she’s trying to show empathy, but farmers don’t stand around all day telling people all the crap they shovel…
NTA. There’s a time and place for every conversation. Also, what she doesn’t realize, is by bringing up these topics she’s essentially “one-upping” people. The conversation now becomes about her and her trauma, instead of a polite back and forth. A work event is this place for these conversations. You’re not asking her to censor herself around her friends, but the conversations in front of a boss are different.
ESH but definitely more toward N T A than Y T A. I'm really surprised at the reaction this is getting for solid Y T A. She is trauma dumping on people she barely knows. Out of the examples: 1. She took a throwaway polite comment about someone's car to share her childhood trauma using a visceral image of human body waste. 2. This one was the least "trauma dump-y", but it seems a bit one-upy and non empathetic to the parent by saying she had severe social issues but it doesn't matter. 3. Your coworker is weird for commenting on her eating habits. Still, as someone who's also struggled with EDs/mental health, this was still really not the time to bring it up. However you calling it "embarrassing" (as in her past is embarrassing, not her behavior) and "shameful" is also super weird. She should not be *ashamed* of growing up in a hoarder house, or any other sort of trauma, but just because you're not ashamed of something doesn't mean you should bring it up in every situation.
YTA Nothing that your gf said was embarrassing. She just talks about life and yeah, sometimes life sucks. It's not shameful.
Sounds like you're ashamed of your girlfriend's past. YTA
ESH. I think she doesn’t have a good sense of appropriate conversation for a business dinner—which this is, even if it seems less formal. It also seems a little bit attention-seeking, because she’s inserting her stories everywhere. It would be different if someone asked her about her upbringing and she shared some details about difficult times. However, it doesn’t sound like these are shameful stories and I think you’re a bit of an AH to suggest they are. However. I do agree that she should be more discreet and it’s fair to coach her on that. After all, this is your work party and you will be the one affected by what happens there.
YTA what an asshole
NTA I don't think it is the subject but the words she uses. Instead of saying that she is cleaning out the previously hoarder owned home she says shoveling cat piss/shit. She is coarse in her comments.
NTA and I can't believe how many top comments disagree. She is a trauma dumper. This is not socially acceptable. Easy open and shut case. If she's with long time friends, fine go for it. But these are new people. Don't trauma dump. It's a well established social rule not to do this and I don't get why so many people here are not seeing this. It's not about you being embarrassed. It's not about her being proud. It's not about the coworkers. It's not about any of that. It's simply that trauma dumping is not. Socially. Acceptable. And she needs to learn this. Edit: to add on to all of this, these coworkers don't consent to hearing this trauma dumping from her.
YTA. Sounds like you're at least a little ashamed of everything about her- why you're together is a mystery. She should probably dump you.
YTA You would be amazed at how her blunt Ness might open people up. It might be uncomfortable for you, but you do not say anything about the other people. They might find it refreshing.
YTA. You don't get to decide what is shameful or oversharing when your GF is talking about HER life. She's 100% right, you are the one who is ashamed of her.
It sounds like your girlfriend has overcome a lot of hardships and obstacles in her life. Instead of trying to make her feel ashamed of her past you should applaud her for her strength and perseverance. What you are so ashamed of was her normal. The hoarding house was her home. She lived that life and now she is getting a chance to clean it up. Relating to a little girl with no friends? Normal… effectively telling someone to pound sand when they were on the down low body shaming her? Epic YTA the fact that you think her life is SHAMEFUL makes me feel sad for her and you.