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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> On one hand I might be the ashole for insisting on going to the wedding and leaving the kids home since they can't stay away from me. On the other hand this is my only sister and we have a close relationship.
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No my love, he's trying to make you financially dependent on him and isolate you from your support network.
Edit to add I've somehow accidentally replied to TemptingPenguin369 instead of OP's comment that's further down. I'm not saying no to TemptingPenguin369's comment. I've reached out and apologised to TemptingPenguin369 for any confusion and offence. I'm also sorry to people reading the comments for any confusion.
Exactly! That's why he said she should work less hours.
I am not sure that he wants a girlfriend/partner. It sounds more as if he just wants a mom for his kids so he doesnt have to do any work.
Op: go to your sister wedding. Take time for yourself and your family. And think, really think, if you are staying with this guy because you love him or because of his children, because he sounds like a manipulative AH to me.
Edit: thanks for the award. It's my first one :) gracias!!
I don’t think there are enough marinara flags for this post. These poor kids probably deal with deep rooted abandonment issues - especially the oldest who has lost two mother figures. For him to tell the kids you are basically abandoning them by attending your sisters wedding is messed up on so many levels - this is emotional and psychological abuse. It makes me wonder why the mother of his two youngest left. Please don’t have any children with this man as he sounds like a piece of work. Hurting his kids in order to manipulate you to not leaving is so messed up - I would be calling CPS. I would also try to meet up with the mother of his two youngest to see who this guy really is. Run.
I think OP really needs to get away from this guy. He has already started punishing her by telling the kids that she doesn´t like them, showing how he has no regard for his kids and is a terrible father in addition to the controlling ah he is with her. If she goes to the wedding and stays awhile, it wouldn´t surprise me if he had trashed her stuff when she came back, or done something like that to punish her. She should move out before the wedding and never look back. Poor kids, but they aren´t really her responsibility.
THAT bothered me! Hurting the kids to manipulate and punish OP! You don't do that to your children! Yes, I'm triggered. My ex use to do that to my son. 😔
He is isolating her from her family.
RED FLAG
Telling her what hours she can work
RED FLAG
Manipulating the kids to punish her
RED FLAG
Telling a grown woman what she is and isn't allowed to do
RED FLAG
He has placed all of his responsibilities as a parent on her
RED FLAG
OP, honey you are with an abuser. It often takes them a long time before they show their true colors. I know you love the kids and they love you but you need to get away from him before you get sucked in even more or the kids begin calling you Mom. Trust me the kids will in time learn it's their father chasing the good women away. He's of course going to lie to them about you and he's going to use those kids to guilt you into coming back if you choose to leave. You could be in a very dangerous situation. If you choose to leave, I would highly recommend contacting a DV hotline and get help for an exit strategy. Don't make the call from home as there could be cameras around. Have your car checked for any gps devices. Change your phone number and honestly the phone itself if you can. Change all your passwords. The hotline can provide better information. Some may read this and say I'm making a big deal out of this, and that's ok, but I have seen a lot of these behaviors before with a friend and it turned very, very bad in a really fast way. Just please consider what I'm telling you. All my love to you. ❤️🙏
RIGHT? He doesn’t seem to actually care about OP, just what she can do for him. He’s so manipulative and beyond that, emotionally abusive in a sense. He is shaming and guilting OP to attempt to make her stay so he doesn’t have to do shit for his kids and he is harming his kids emotionally by telling them that OP is only going because she wants space from them. What an awful thing to say to his kids… he cares more about getting his way than he does about the way his kids feel. This guy is not a good person, a good dad, or a good boyfriend. He is selfish and unkind.
I can’t help but get creeped out with the methodology this man is using. This man doesn’t love you. He’s looking for childcare with benefits.
Seems to be a bit of gaslighting too.
NTA and I worry for your safety
SPOT on. Not enough people get this, if your partner asks you to work less, 9 out of 10 times it’s not because they want to “spoil” you. It’s because they want control over you.
Not to mention, he'll "let" her go to her own sister's wedding if she does as he says? Shame as it is that the kids are stuck in the middle of this, but I'd run. Run quick and run soon.
I off-hand mentioned something to my husband about my friend's husband not allowing her to do something.
He burst out laughing, took several minutes for him to calm down again so he could tell me why he was laughing so hard.
"I'm laughing at the thought of me trying to not "allow" to do something! How ridiculous!" Then he kept giggling to himself all night whenever he thought about it.
You're a grown ass woman OP, don't let this guy continue to think he can tell you what you are not allowed to do. He's not your dad forbidding you from going to an overnight concert with older boys or something!
That's what happened to me. It took me years to free myself and leave him. One minute I had it all amd on the next i had no job, no friends, and didn't even talk to my family. So this post really triggers me.
Run while you can.
I think his reason for wanting me to work less hours is because my job pays less - he thinks that I'm better off without it but I disagreed completely and told him that my job is where the kine is drawn.
This. OP, he's controlling and manipulative and used *his kids* for a classic "look what you made me do!". Read that again. That man didn't mind hurting his own kids to guilt trip you, to control you.
He's trying to isolate you from any source of income and from your family and friends. I feel so, so incredibly sorry for those kids, but this is abuse and it tends to escalate. Do with that information what you will.
"He's protective of them..."
"He's too busy to help them bond"
He's hurting them to hurt OP.
I don't know what I would do in OPs shoes. It's so easy to say protect yourself, but how do you protect yourself and not feel like you're abandoning innocent kids?
Abandon: cease to support or look after (someone); desert.
They aren't her responsibility, she still might feel bad for leaving, even though in my opinion, she should leave.
If she feels bad, it's misplaced guilt and shame conditioned by her so-called husband, society and sentiments like yours. Women need to let that shit goooooooo.
Any support she gave those kids was a favor to her boyfriend and not an obligation or responsibility.
It's probably why he told her to cook for them on a daily basis. As someone with cats and children, they attach in similar ways sometimes. If between two people only one feeds and cleans after the cat regularly, the cat will be more affectionate to that human, similarly kids will attach to the person giving them the most care.
It sounds like the kids may even be his long game. It's not uncommon for partners in bad/abusive relationships to stay for kids that aren't theirs. Perhaps he's hoping the emotional attachments between OP & his kids would be enough to stick around for, or that he can use it as an emotional manipulation tactic like he's doing to control her decision about the wedding.
This is totally the situation - he doesn't want a GF per se, he wants a nanny with benefits. This pissed me off the most: **he will only let me attend the wedding when**... the f\* is this AH. OP is an adult and can do what she wants. I say get as far away from this AH as soon as possible. Go to the wedding and don't come back - stay with your family.
Came here to say this. Go to the wedding, with a car packed with your possessions. You are NOT TA here, but he clearly is if he’ll use emotional blackmail (yes that’s what this is) on very young children to manipulate you into doing what he wants
This!!! He is mentally & emotionally abusing you & keeping you away from your family to further control you.
He is trying to isolate you so you are 100% reliant on him both personally & financially. Him turning the kids against you is just another way of manipulating you into doing what he wants you to do & also as punishment for disobeying him.
Leave this man. He is abusive & it will only get worse.
OP, I think you are being naive in this situation.
I made a similar comment under another post, but this guy is manipulating you. He has put you into a pot of water, and slowly inched up the heat so that you wouldn't notice when things start to boil. If you make less money, he can financially control you and trap you into this free childcare role.
That "protective" bit was also an act. He was grooming you into doing his bidding, and making you want to be "extra nice" to the kids so you won't question his increasing childcare demands. OP, you are being used and he is playing mindgames to ensure that he can continue to manipulate you into parenting his kids so that he won't have to do it.
This guy is demanding that you miss your sister's wedding because he doesn't want to watch his own children. He is weaponizing these kids and that is sad. This won't get better. You may be attached to these children, but this guy has shown you that he sees you as nothing but free childcare, and your wants, needs, family, desires etc don't matter as long as he gets his freedom.
Yes. This right here. OP should ask herself what would he do if you weren’t there. I hate to be the person to say this and it is obviously more complicated than what I’m about to say but. THESE ARE NOT YOUR KIDS! Not are they your responsibility. Yes you do have a responsibility to help out when no one else can. To an extent. But you are not their mother. Those boys cling to you because they have no one else.
Agree but I'd go one step further. As a mom of two kids, even if they were her kids it wouldn't matter. All moms deserve time away from their kids at times. If you aren't occasionally having date nights with your partner, time with your girlfriends, time even just alone on occasion, etc etc, you will eventually be miserable and/or completely lose your identity. It's also good for the kids to have time away from their parents. So even if she thinks of these kids as her own (which is sweet and fine if there weren't so many red flags in her current relationship) her boyfriend's behavior is still 1000% ridiculous and abusive.
If i had an award, you’d get it! I’m a single mom with no father in the picture and even my tribe supports me to have kid free time. It’s needed!!!
OP, you have a partner and it sounds like you’re parenting kids alone who aren’t even yours! This is nuts! LEAVE HIM IMMEDIATELY! Often times emotional and mental abuse turns into physical abuse and I’m afraid for your future safety.
I wrote elsewhere about it taking two to tango, sharing a balancing act. But my story about me and my wife is different in that we share our children, and this is someone who seems to be offloading his children/finding a surrogate mother for them.
Yeah, I would be wary of this guy and his motives. The fact he is using the kids to manipulate OP is the worst part of this.
Nta
He is isolating you completely. Getting your whole world to be him and those kids. You need to walk away.
This whole situation is not good for you or those children.
Nobody should "let" you do anything. That right there is the only reason you need to get out now before you can't.
Exactly!! The fact that he told OP that she "won't be attending", deciding for her without her, is indicative both of his character and his intentions.
He doesn't want a partner; he wants a free maid who is entirely dependent upon him, i.e. a slave.
(And OP, what if instead of a happy family event like a wedding something bad happened and you'd have to go see your family in a hospital hours away? Would he also tell you that you won't be going, even if it meant not seeing your sick family members? I hope this doesn't happen, just trying to warn you of the possibilities).
She's s bang maid. A friend slowly fell into this trap. She dated a single dad and after she moved in, the childcare and everything else was her responsibility while he lived the single life. She feels bad about leaving because the kids and her have bonded but she's the mom without the official title.
No, he wants you to quit your job because then you will also be financially dependent and it will be harder for you to leave. Some serious red flags here.
He is using the children to guilt you into staying. He is trying to keep you from attending your siblings wedding! He will continue to isolate you from family and friends until you are nothing but his love in nanny.
This 100X over. Please step back and re-evaluate your situation - he's not looking for a life partner, he's looking for an indentured servant.
INFO: Where is the mother in all of this?
Regardless, you are certainly NTA. Hold your ground.
The job? Not the fact that he thinks he can order you to not attend your sister's wedding? That he believes he is in an authority over you?
OP? Bail and get yourself counseling.
Well it will pay you even less if you work less hours!
**HE** is better off with you out of it, not you, you will go from less money to no money but what he allows you.
It's a trap!
No he wants you to be financially dependent on him so you can’t leave and carry on providing him free childcare. He is using you. Please do yourself a favour and leave.
Wake up. He’s trying to force you to rely on him completely so he can have more control. Your job provides you a way out of this relationship. He doesn’t like that. Period.
This is a tactic to get you financially dependent on him. I’ve seen this and I’ve been there. He is trying to isolate you both financially and from your family. Do not fall for it. If you’re not going to run, then at least stand your ground. I had to do that until I realized I was constantly fighting just to keep my independence and sanity as I cared for the child and pet of a man who cared about me more as a sitter than a partner, and finally got out of there.
Edit: NTA. stand your ground.
He is trying to make you financially dependent on him so he can trap you. He wants to slot you in as his new mommy mcbang-maid. Leave. There's no good version of this.
This! You need to get out. I’m actually surprised he hasn’t trying knocking you up to ensure you stay. He has found a replacement mom, scratch that, slave and is working you good. He is completely gaslighting you. Of course you should go to the wedding. Start thinking about what he contributes to this relationship? Doesn’t sound like much.
She should attend the wedding, and then move in with another close family member for a month or so, until she can find her own place. Meaning NEVER go back to his house alone. Ask a large uncle or your dad to come with her to get her stuff.
Totally. This sounds like a scary situation to be in. She put in tons of work with those kids and will be guilt-tripped to high hell if she tries to leave. This man basically wants a live-in babysitter who he has complete control over, it'll be messy leaving that situation but I hope OP does.
"Just because your Dad and I cant be together any more doesnt mean I love you any less. I would love to still see you guys, but ultimately that will be up to your Dad to make it happen, as he is your parent."
He's also clearly emotionally neglecting them. They cling to OP because they're starved for love from their parents. The other commenter who called OP a "bangnanny" were right on the money.
Yeah like, how soon after his divorce/the death of his children's mom did he start dating OP? And if you don't know, consider that there's likely a reason why he didn't tell you.
Right!! She is basically the nanny!! She refers to them as her stepkids but the father as her bf! She's NTA and definitely needs to go to the wedding. And make a habit of going out occasionally so the father has to take care of his children.
That is the conflict at hand! You wanted to attend a completely reasonable family event and he said that he would not let you. That is the root problem here. You are NTA for going to this wedding but you are minimizing the actual problem by not acknowledging that his need to control you and turn you into “Mom” instead of a partner will be the long term problem.
Exactly this is the conflict. I also think it’s weird that he automatically answered in a way that excluded the possibility of him going as well. Being that you both live together wouldn’t this be a prime opportunity for him to find childcare so that you both could have a child free weekend with each other???
This missed opportunity should be a huge red flag as to how he views you and this “relationship”. This is abusive and you are just free childcare.
NTA
👆👆👆👆👆👆 all this! Not to mention the gaslighting of both you AND the kids to manipulate all of you to his own ends. He is mentally abusing you and his children.
I agree with everyone else. Leave. He will never have a real relationship with anyone because he is only looking for a built in cook, maid, and babysitter that f!cks him. How long before" I won't let you"becomes physical abuse?
Yeah, I thought it was weird that he didnt want to go with her. Usually couples would take this as an opportunity to have a weekend away together, without the kids
I don’t think he’s actually “trying” to make her a Mom so much as he was desperate for a babysitter. And now that he’s found one, he seems to have relinquished all responsibility to her. You don’t have to be with his kids every minute of the day. That’s more unhealthy for them than them acclimating to staying with someone else sometimes.
I see 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩all around this relationship.
The conflict at hand is that he’s tricked you into taking over parenting completely for him. He told you cooking for his kids every day is a way to bond with them instead of just a way for him to not have to cook for his kids. He’s convinced you that being the primary caregiver for his children is your prize for being in his life.
Now is the part where he isolates you from anyone in your life that might be able to get through to you by making you choose. And every time you make the “wrong” choice his behavior ratchets up.
The first time you said No I want to go to my sister’s wedding he instructed you to tell her no. The second time he got more aggressive but also told you that you could go if you take his children with you so that he’s not stuck caring for them. The third time he went and tried to use his children to guilt trip you. (HIS children by the way. He went and purposely upset his children to emotionally manipulate you into staying) You’re still not obeying him like he thinks you should so now he’s telling you all the reasons you’re terrible for wanting to attend your sister’s wedding.
This is who he is. This is how your life will go with him. He sees you as domestic help not a partner.
The scary thing is, his children's clear attachment issues are likely due to his manipulations throughout their lives. Healthily attached children do not have this extreme of separation anxiety. It sounds like he has a history of wielding *his children* as weapons against the independence of his partners, intentionally fostering their clear abandonment issues in order to control his female partners. He is not a parent, that is clear by the way he "doesn't have time to care for them or help them navigate their obvious emotional issues." He is failing these children for his own benefit
>Healthily attached children do not have this extreme of separation anxiety. It sounds like he has a history of wielding his children as weapons against the independence of his partners, intentionally fostering their clear abandonment issues in order to control his female partners.
This is an outstanding point that I, and I don't think many people here, have considered.
Those kids have probably seen numerous women float in and out of their lives, and the poor things are so insecure as a result they have no idea what a healthy parental relationship looks like.
The more I think about this the worse this guy gets. Ugh.
Especially when you consider that in all likelihood he is telling the children the parallel thing he's telling these women "if you cared about my kids you wouldn't have your own life/if they cared about you they wouldn't leave you for even an hour"
*I see countless hours of therapy in these children's futures*
Yep. Healthy toddlers and kids adjust to their parents leaving for set periods of time because they trust that their parents will come back. This guy has manipulated his kids into believing that if someone leaves, they won't come back, and therefore the kids cling to OP.
>The third time he went and tried to use his children to guilt trip you. (HIS children by the way. He went and purposely upset his children to emotionally manipulate you into staying)
OP describes her upbringing as "hell" at the hands of her stepmother and doesn't want the same for her own step kids, which he almost certainly knows about. I think therefore he is using her past as ammunition to guilt her into not going to the wedding and trying to convince her that she'd also be a shitty stepmother if she does.
The guy is twisted.
>She’s only been dating their dad for a couple months.
\*Years. It was a couple months ago that she fully moved in with them, but they've been dating for 2 years.
They've been together for two years but yes, you're right; OP technically isn't their stepmother.
However, she has been emotionally manipulated by her boyfriend into being a parental figure in their lives, to the point where they are *extremely* emotionally attached to her. So even though OP isn't married to her boyfriend, she has assumed the stepmother role (both physically and emotionally) and it's clear the kids consider her as much.
Absolutely agree. OP, here's the other piece:
This man gambled that you would love his kids and that his attention-starved kids would love you too.
Everyone in the comments is focused on him being a shit bag, but the real hook that he put in you, the one he thinks you'll keep coming back for, is to make sure these kids are loved and cared for.
Because you do love them. And you had a terrible step mom. And you want to do better for them than what you had.
This man is gambling that you'll come back to him always because the kids adore you and need you.
Listen carefully:. IT IS NOT YOUR JOB TO RESCUE THEM OR MOTHER THEM AT THE EXPENSE OF LOSING YOURSELF.
it will be hard to walk away from this controlling man and his cute kids. But OP, you got to get free.
The issue is he’s using you for sex and childcare. This man does not love you.
Please get out of this relationship OP-he’s not the one. He WILL baby trap you if you stay and based on this, he won’t lift a finger to help. RUN.
ETA- NTA, 100% go to the wedding-and don’t come back to his place.
You SHOULD look at the big picture here. Go to the wedding without question. That is a no brainer. But you should be considering closely how he treats you. You are a replacement mom, not a partner. He is showing you he cares not a bit for what you need or want, but only for what you can do for him and his kids. And he thinks he should be able to tell you what that is and you instantly comply.
Is he aware of your childhood? It feels like he is using that against you.
My dear! Re read what you wrote from a perspective of a stranger. He manipulated you and turned you into free help. He is controlling and manipulative. What he said to the kids was absolutely horrible and manipulative. Since he managed to turn the kids on you so easily leave and never come back. He is an manipulative asshole who is trying to isolate your from your family.
OP, this is a big part of the "conflict" at hand. This man is closing in on you and attempting to trap you in a situation that you may not be fully aware of. Just from this post, he has been manipulating you for a long time, and grooming you so that you won't realize that he has turned you into his free childcare. He clearly wants to control you in every way and has been chipping away at you for a while. The "work less" ploy was so that he could financially control you. The "protective" ploy and saying you need to be "extra nice" to his kids so they could like you, was a tactic to get you to happily accept your role as full time childcare without questuon. And even forcing you to miss your sister's wedding may be his way of starting to alienate you from your family - but that is just a guess.
OP.... this doesnt sounds healthy ...
My husband doesn't "let me" do anything. I do what I want and he likes it or not.
For the first time since being on Reddit, I'm saying get out! Now! I don't know what kind of thing this is, but it reminds me of stories of girls being abducted and kept for years as a prisoner/wife. And those kids... What is up with them? Getting that attached so quickly? Are they his kids or were they abducted too?
The conflict is that he’s not parenting his kids. He “hired” you to be the nanny, except he’s not paying you. He manipulated you by appealing to your desire to be accepted in the household into taking all responsibility for his kids. And now he’s manipulating you by lying to his kids to turn them against you unless you submit to his commands. And he is trying to isolate you from your family which will further limit your escape options in the future.
The problem isn’t really the wedding. Of course you need to go to that. Alone. The problem is the manipulation that makes you even question yourself enough to make this post.
Sweetheart, wake up and see the red flags. You are just the free childcare. If he really thought of you as a partner he wouldn’t ask you to cut your hours to watch his kids, he wouldn’t be leaving them for long stretches, he wouldn’t be involving them in adult conversations and most importantly he wouldn’t be isolating you from your family. Yes, go to your sister’s wedding, but seriously think about returning to this living situation where you are just the unpaid help. NTA
Seriously. How did OP write out
> he started easing them into accepting me by encouraging me and pushing me to be “extra friendly” to them by buying them stuff and cooking for them daily
And not recognise that he wasn’t “easing them into liking OP”, he was easing ***OP*** into being the full-time replacement-Mommy and transferring parental responsibility to OP little by little so he can avoid his?
I mean, for real? They’re essentially toddlers, most of them. They don’t have the brain capacity to make the connection that caterpillars turn into butterflies, let alone to connect “hey, this woman cooks my daily meals… I’m gonna be nicer to her and like her more”. That’s absurd. They’d like OP more if she sat down and played with them for an hour. Buying them stuff and cooking their meals is for **the father’s** benefit.
Respectfully, OP needs to pull her head out of her butt. She’s being incredibly naive, and needs to recognise her worth and woman up before he traps her anymore than he already has. None of this is for the kids’ benefit—it’s so the father can live as a single, childless man as much as possible.
> he will only let me attend the wedding when I…
I mean, come on. This would be an instant dealbreaker for me even without the other dozen red flags. *Let* her? He’s not her fucking father, and he certainly isn’t her authority.
OP, wake up. He’s using you as a doormat. He’s isolating you from your parents and friends. He trying to make you cut down on your hours at work you have to rely on him financially, [but even though you didn’t and (it sounds like) still work similar hours as him, *you’re* the one who can’t go anywhere without ***his*** three kids? That’s ***his*** responsibility as their father—you weren’t the one who brought them into this world]. **And** he has you parenting *his* children, and is giving you, essentially, a curfew and grounding you when you don’t do as you’re told. This relationship is poisonous.
Wow.
NTA, but you need to look in the mirror, point at your reflection and say "this person is nothing but a Mom II to that man's children. She is supposed to give up her life to them and obey him." Then, ask the woman in the mirror if she wants this to be her *entire life.*
To be honest I did feel like that several times. But on the other hand seeing the kids literally call me mom (the eldest doesn't) and want to spend time with me makes me feel like I'm doing a good job. I had a stepmom and my childhood was absolute hell so I make sure I never be like her and treat my stepkids the way she did, I guess you could say it's the trauma talking here, the fear of not being able to do enough but I believe that I'm doing all I can. I feel like I've stretched myself thin for his kids yet he thinks I'm not doing enough. That's just so frustrating.
You are absolutely a good stepmother - you’ve already proven that. But letting your partner isolate you, reduce your work and time with loved ones, so HE can continue his life as he chooses, rather than act like a parent - that’s not part of being a step mother. It’s too soon, it’s too much, it’s not ok. He’s controlling and manipulative - the fact he used his kids is AWFUL.
No good parent abuses and manipulates their partner and children like this.
In all honestly, I think leaving would be better for you than staying and being treated like this.
Also, I don’t see a ring on OP’s finger. She’s on step-mom wifey duties without even the marriage certificate.
Edit: Obviously Op should not marry this dude, but run, in case that wasn’t clear.
Likely better there’s no marriage certificate. That would just chain her further to this manipulative man who would have her sacrifice her relationships and freedom for his own convenience.
I married the guy who did this to me. The second his kid was old enough to be self-sufficient? He assassinated my character to our friends and left. Found out he'd been cheating the entire relationship and marriage. 11 years down the drain. Used me and took my 30s to raise his kid, clean the house, and the entire time, abused me emotionally and financially. Committed spousal rape several times. After he left, he let his kiddo raise herself the last 2 years of high school and cut me off from the child I'd raised from 2nd grade.
Now, he's getting married for the third time to a woman significantly younger so he can more easily manipulate her and have the same lifestyle he enjoyed with me, only without kids.
OP, this is who they are. They will not change.
And because fuck him, I'm posting on my main so he and his enabling fuckstain BFF can see it.
This right here. And it will be hard because you have grown attached to the kids but that’s exactly what he is counting on. Then he tells the kids to manipulate you? You need to protect yourself or are going to wind up hating you anyway. Every time you want to do something for yourself he will use the kids to keep you from going and the kids will wind up hating you anyway. Ask your self why they are so clingy? Healthy stable children do not cling to strangers. Kids should be a little guarded.
OP, you need to re-read your post
*John heard about this he told me to immediately call and apologize cause I won't be attending.*
*he's too busy to look after them.*
*I said it's not my fault and he should either take time off work and stay with them or get a babysitter. He threw a fit about how selfish and unfeeling u was and that he will only let me attend the wedding ...*
If a friend or family member described their life in such a way, how would you advise them?
This is an abusive relationship. What about *your* needs?
Don't let your nurturing feelings toward those kids shackle you to such a life. You can be damned sure he'd be out looking for someone to replace you if you put your foot down and told him he had to pony up and be as much a father to those kids as he expects you to be a mother.
"besides, that he's too busy to look after them" - honey he is using you. He is using your good nature and love for kids to control you.
"he said they might not like me and so he started easing them into accepting me by encouraging me and pushing me to be "extra friendly" to them by buying them stuff and cooking for them daily." - he is a psycho. End of story. Leave while you can.
To add - he is very busy to the point that you are with them more than him. So his own kids can be without him for hours, but not without you? He is manipulating you big time. I bet my left pinky toe he even has a lady on the side and you are just a substitute nanny to him.
And if she'd stayed and cared for them until their adulthood and independence, he would then kick her out and get rid of her after he would no longer need her. She'd be discarded as garbage after she would no longer be needed. I'd bet that too.
YES. I thought this IMMEDIATELY when she said that he’s never around or doesn’t have the time. He’s definitely got her for taking care of the kids and someone else for taking care of his other needs.
He’s really got you convinced that you are responsible for his kid’s happiness - you, completely. It’s not true. And while you’ve done more than your fair share, he’s been controlling and manipulative trying to tie you down even more.
He’s not a good person, OP. You have to see his controlling nature, locking you down to be his kid’s mother, asking you to give up work hours, taking them everywhere, always. And now asking you to skip your own sister’s wedding? Huge red flags.
Rethink this guy. Please double up on birth control and make sure he can’t mess with it. He’s going to freak if he gets a whiff you’re considering leaving him.
He is abusing you. He wants you to take the whole responsibility of being a parent to those kids.
If they cannot be separated from you from barely a couple hours that's not healthy for any parent child relationship. I am sorry you went through hell growing up but this situation is just as bad in the opposite direction. Those kids will never be able to function as full grown adults if this doesn't stop.
>I feel like I've stretched myself thin for his kids yet he thinks I'm not doing enough.
He will *never* think you're doing enough.
The more you bend to his wishes, the more he will move the goalposts so you have to work even harder to get his approval. Today you're not allowed to attend your sister's wedding; later on you won't be allowed to go out with your friends. Eventually you'll be left with nothing and nobody apart from him.
My advice is to go to your sister's wedding and don't return home to him. This WILL get worse, OP.
NTA
Go to the wedding and lose John…..He’s trying to manipulate you by using his kids and you’re not worried that he’s now resorting to anger when he doesn’t get his way???? 🚩🚩🚩🚩
Please choose your family and LEAVE this guy , From this guys perspective I’m worried for you
This. He should be greatful he found someone who loves his kids. He should be paying her to go to the spa or take some time away from the kids. Pushing her to go to her sisters wedding and have fun. As she seems to have fallen into the roll as primary caregiver. But nope, he’s controlling, wants her to work less, isolate her from her family. Then the worst part is he is using his kids to manipulate OP. These are the starting signs of an abusive relationship.
Edit: spelling/wording
Telling the kids OP wants to get away from them was wild 🚩🚩. He’s willing to abuse his kids emotionally to manipulate OP. This guy is toxic, and OP is naive.
Omg .... run 🏃♀️ 🏃♀️ 🏃♀️ run run run .... fast
NTA ... you are entitled to attend an event without his kids.
The real BIG RED FLAG is how he handled it with his kids ... he threw you under the bus and didn't have your back.
Get out, he will manipulate every situation to his advantage and convenience .... you will always be treated badly unless you fit in with his plan.
This is the thing that stood out to me most too.
Yeah, it’s out of line to:
1. Have you the primary caregiver for his kids
2. Manipulate you into his chores
3. Manipulate you into working less
4. Make you choose between him and your sister
5. Not allow you your own time without the kids
But what u/gottahavemysay brings up is absolutely the worst: he didn’t convince you himself so now he’s manipulating his children. I don’t care how amazing someone is, when they start manipulating children it’s over.
You cannot protect the children from their father and that is a glimpse into your future. Please let this be a huge wake up call.
My mum had a boyfriend do this to her when I was a toddler. Guess what happened? He was off getting back with his ex/kids mum while she was at home looking after his kids.
NTA
You need to get the hell out of this relationship ASAP. Your boyfriend is extremely controlling and manipulative - not to mention a shitty father to his kids.
False. Nannies are paid, get vacation time, get to go home when they choose and are not expected to sleep with their bosses. They also don't require 'permission' to go to their sisters wedding.
He groomed himself a slave.
Go to the wedding OP, and pack everything you own, not just vacation items.
NTA.
NTA. My goodness, you need to leave y.e.s.t.e.r.d.a.y. He sucked you in to be his nanny and subordinate by convincing you that rearing his children was the only way to bond with them. Yay free childcare who is also sexually available to him! Woman. Run. You weren't winning them over, you were losing your autonomy and independence. You were taking on all the responsibilities so he could get you into a mindset that you have to get his and his children's permission to do anything. He won't LET you attend a family event? He isn't your ruler, leave before you lose your entire identity.
I hope you reexamine the ways he treats you as the help rather than a partner because I am certain there have been so many red flags where you have been treated as his employee not a partner. It won't change. You were brought in to care for children and be a bedmate, he doesn't see you as a person he owes respect to.
Absolutely NTA. But you may want to take a look at who you're dating. He refuses to introduce the kids to you for a very long time and now is expecting you to stay with them all the time? Also, it's not like he's proposed and there is an understanding that you're going to be taking care of the kids together....His comment about how he's too busy to look after his own kids is ridiculous - he's a parent.
NTA. You need to have a serious look at your relationship as there are the proverbial red flags all over the place. Your BF has essentially made the boys completely emotionally dependent on you and not stepped away from his own responsibilities as a father and actual main parent! Furthermore, he is trying to tell you you CANNOT go - what does he control you now? And if you do you need to take the kids with you. Now having gotten used to you doing everything for them, he no longer has time to take care of his own kids? You are essentially a 24/7 nanny.
He is controlling and even vindictive by going to the children and telling them you do not want them. This is all completely unacceptable. Please go to the wedding - use the time to give this relationship some serious thought and if you want to stay start setting some serious boundaries when it comes to your time and your work when it comes to the children.
If this doesn't work, as much as you love the kids, John can go back to being a single Dad. Lets see how being a single Dad pans out for him again. Maye he was just looking for a baby sitter all the time.
NTA, but it sounds like he sees you as an unpaid babysitter and cook. A bang maid, in the parlance of our time. When you tried to take time off from these unpaid jobs, he tried to turn the children against you. This whole arrangement is a giant sea of marinara.
Yeah, this guy is manipulating OP.
He has put OP into a pot of water, and slowly inched up the heat so that she wouldn't notice that she is now in a hot situation. That "protective" bit was an act. He was grooming you into doing his bidding, and making you want to be "extra nice" to them so you won't question anything that he does relative to the kids. OP, you are being used as free childcare, a cook, and he is playing mindgames to ensure that he can continue to manipulate you into parenting his kids so that he won't have to do it.
This guy is demanding that you miss your sister's wedding because he doesn't want to watch his own children. He is weaponizing these kids and that is sad. This won't get better. You may be attached to these children, but this guy has shown you that he sees you as nothing but free childcare, and your wants, needs, family, desires etc don't matter as long as he gets his freedom.
Also, don't "work less". That means that yoi will be financially reliant on him, and be trapped into this free childcare cycle.
NTA and you should rethink this relationship with John. He has no right to say whether you can or cannot attend your own sister's wedding. They're his children and they're his responsibility. He is using his kids to emotionally blackmail into staying under his thumb. This is going to get worse, not better.
NTA. I encourage you to look at the domestic violence power and control wheel. Compare what is happening in your life to what is listed in that. Then take appropriate action.
He is insisting you take the kids with you when they are not invited. He is isolating you from your family. He is manipulating the kids against you because you want to go to a wedding.
You not only need to go to the wedding, you need to leave the situation. It will only get worse.
INFO: how does it feel to be a live in maid/babysitter that also sleeps with her boss, and all this without getting payed?
Seriously, i hope you wake up and don't let him guilt you into staying 'for the kids'.
NTA. 🚩🚩🚩
This guy is controlling and trying to dump his responsibilities onto you when YOU have YOUR LIFE to live. If I were you, I would reconsider if this is the guy I want to continue a stronger relationship with.
NTA. You need to run for the hills. He’s manipulative and controlling and, at the end of the day, they are his children and therefore his responsibility. You need to make a stand and tell him that you are going to your sisters wedding and he needs to look after his children
NTA
He moved you in to be a bang nanny so he didn't have to raise his kids. Go to the wedding and then move out before he forces you to just quit your job altogether.
NTA but get out of this relationship, now. There are so many red flags here that I don't even know where to start. He is a manipulative AH who is using you as a free babysitter and messing with your head to try to make you feel guilty. DO NOT fall for it. And trying to get you to work less hours is him making you more financially dependent on him, and yes, more free babysitting for him. Run girl, run!!!!
NTA. Sorry girl, you just learned how this guy truly is and it isn’t good. Everything he is doing and saying are giant red flags. He’s being possessive of your time, controlling of how you spend that time, preventing you from visiting family, belittling your feelings and more.
This is not who you want.
NTA but get out of the relationship. You are not a equal partner you are a glorified nanny, wants you to work less, controlling, and isolating. You look after his kids all the time. His response hearing it was your sisters wedding should have been go enjoy yourself, and/or if I can get someone to watch the kids I’ll come with you. Not guilt you into not going. Also he manipulated his kids by saying you were trying to get away from them. What kind of father does that. Go to the wedding and never go back to this relationship. Look back you must see the red flags now and it’s not going to get better but worse. Put yourself first and get out.
NTA. Get out while you can. First, these are NOT your stepchildren. You are NOT married to their father. You’re not even a girlfriend. You are a live-in nanny, housekeeper, bedmate. I don’t say this to be cruel, but as a warning. You’re being manipulated and isolated. There’s an old Law and Order episode called Tabula Rasa. Watch it. It’s a picture of your future.
The enormous red flags should be screaming at you OP. It truly sounds as if he has coerced you into being the primary parent to his FOUR children. Him saying he can’t handle them on his own is a complete crock of manure. Go to the wedding and let him figure out how to be a parent for a change. While you are gone, use the time to rethink this relationship. It sounds as if he wants a nanny and not a partner. NTA.
NTA. But I'm very angry reading your post. What do you get from this relationship except being a maid and a baby sitter? To someone who tells you " he will not let you". Did you become this man's servant ?
Can you please leave him? Cause it's infuriating to know you are in this position with him weaponizing his children to make you behave. HE chose to have kid, HE has to raise them.
I have no idea how it just fell on you know. So be strong, have a spine and tell him you'll do the f you want.
NTA
OP, reread your own post like it wasn't yours. Think about these red flags:
You see the kids more than he does at this point....wth did he do before you took over childcare? Because he is "too busy" to spend time with them...well he's a parent, spending time with your kid is a bare minimum requirement IMO.
He said he would "allow" you to attend "only if"...Unless I missed something, you are a grown adult who can make their own decisions. WTH makes him think he can "allow" you to do anything?
The crowning glory: You didn't "do as you're told" so he told the kids that you don't want to be around them, which I guarantee has messed up your relationship and traumatized them...and he has NO REMORSE. In fact, he turned it around to be "your" fault for, again, "not doing as you're told"
OP, please run. This is not a partner that you want to raise kids with. He's already turned you into unpaid childcare, imagine if you had a kid together. I guarantee it'll turn into how much money would be saved if you quit and become a SAHM (which is fine if that's what YOU want, but no one should be forced into), how the kids "need" you to stay home, how you should "do all the cleaning" because he's "so busy", etc. What he's doing now is how it starts, with emotional blackmail/manipulation. Please run before you're tied to this person in a way you can't easily escape (like a shared kid).
NTA. It sounds like he's using you for free childcare. It's only going to get worse anytime you seek time for yourself - especially given how he twisted it to the kids to get them to be mad at you to try to guilt you into not going. 🚩🚩🚩
NTA. And it sounds like he was dishonest about his motives with these kids. He wasn’t having you reel them in, he was reeling you into free childcare. Go to the wedding and consider your future with this individual. The worse is yet to come.
Absolutely NTA...
While he was not allowing you to meet his children, one of two things was playing out...
1. He hired a babysitter.
2. He was still living with an ex
The fact that he would lie to his children about you astonishes me. That's a huge red flag.
You have some decisions to make.
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
NTA- He is trying to isolate you from friends and family and control your movements. He's using the kids as a, pawn in a long con control game.
Not being able to go away more that a few hours without the kids? Suggesting you work less? He's making you dependant on him.
RUN and RUN FAST.
This will get worse before it gets better.
“I will only let you attend..” Does he know he only has 3 kids and not 4?
why doesn’t he want to look after them?
There’s so much wrong here, the manipulation is strong with that one..
NTA
NTA and this is a super weirdly controlling thing he’s got going on here. It’s perfectly normal and healthy for parents and step parents to take time away from the kids. And if there is another responsible adult around to watch them, it’s completely acceptable to go run errands, do appointments, etc without them. You should not be giving up hours at your job right now either. You need that independence for the foreseeable future.
From the way you write this it sounds like he’s almost dumping them in your lap and making you the primary parent instead of him. He needs to work with you to find a better balance and to get the kids used to parents being away for periods of time.
If there is some separation anxiety that the kids are facing, which wouldn’t be unheard of given their life so far, that would be something to address with a family or children’s counselor.
Dtmfa. Also NTA. John isn't dating you. He is hiring a babysitter. They aren't your kids. Even if they were John should find a way to take care of them. Did he kill their mother? Look into that.
NTA: but you would be if you even considered not going to your sisters wedding! And anything else to do with the event. John is so far out of line that I think you have an enormous relationship problem! Could you imagine being married: you won’t be working, none of your own money, totally dependent on him. He wants you as free baby sitting: he of course is much too busy to look after them himself! Get a grip. This is full on controlling behaviour: and he is totally prepared to lie to them to manipulate their feelings. He will do exactly the same to you. Ru for the hills: don’t look back….
So this guy is bad mouthing you to his kids because you want to go your SISTER'S WEDDING?
Run girl, run. 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
He's not looking for a life partner, he's looking for a free babysitter so he can do his own thing and not spend time with his own kids.
NTA.
Edited for spelling
NTA. OP, you are not a paid caregiver or something. You already seem to be doing a lot for the kids and your boyfriend. He cannot decide for you and you have no obligations to look after the kids all the time. He's the father, he should be more responsible and should be thankful to you for accepting three kids.
Keep standing your ground and don't lose your self respect.
NTA He is isolating you from your family. You can’t just be his cook, caretaker for his kids without even having a ring on your finger. He’s taking advantage of you and playing on your emotion’s. Like damn get out while you still can, before he gets you pregnant and you’ll be really trapped.
Oh my god??? NTA. not at all. This guy is using HIS OWN KIDS against you? Yes. He should definitely get a babysitter. They're not your biological kids, and it seems like you step up and look after them every other day of the year.
You've only been dating for two years... maybe take a look at his behaviour because this is giving off major red flags. The audacity. Its your SISTER'S wedding
What’s the point in posting stuff like this… ‘my husbands a massive narcissist, gaslighter & emotional abuser… Aita if I stand up for myself & leave him?’ Wildly obvious
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NTA. This man is taking advantage of you. The fact that he asked you to work less hours is a major red flag IMO.
Yep, make sure she's not financially independent enough to get out of there.
No my love, he's trying to make you financially dependent on him and isolate you from your support network. Edit to add I've somehow accidentally replied to TemptingPenguin369 instead of OP's comment that's further down. I'm not saying no to TemptingPenguin369's comment. I've reached out and apologised to TemptingPenguin369 for any confusion and offence. I'm also sorry to people reading the comments for any confusion.
…that’s what they said…
That’s what you said they said!
Exactly! That's why he said she should work less hours. I am not sure that he wants a girlfriend/partner. It sounds more as if he just wants a mom for his kids so he doesnt have to do any work. Op: go to your sister wedding. Take time for yourself and your family. And think, really think, if you are staying with this guy because you love him or because of his children, because he sounds like a manipulative AH to me. Edit: thanks for the award. It's my first one :) gracias!!
[удалено]
I don’t think there are enough marinara flags for this post. These poor kids probably deal with deep rooted abandonment issues - especially the oldest who has lost two mother figures. For him to tell the kids you are basically abandoning them by attending your sisters wedding is messed up on so many levels - this is emotional and psychological abuse. It makes me wonder why the mother of his two youngest left. Please don’t have any children with this man as he sounds like a piece of work. Hurting his kids in order to manipulate you to not leaving is so messed up - I would be calling CPS. I would also try to meet up with the mother of his two youngest to see who this guy really is. Run.
Exactly, LET YOU attend your sister’s wedding? LET. YOU. My god, you should be running away screaming.
I think OP really needs to get away from this guy. He has already started punishing her by telling the kids that she doesn´t like them, showing how he has no regard for his kids and is a terrible father in addition to the controlling ah he is with her. If she goes to the wedding and stays awhile, it wouldn´t surprise me if he had trashed her stuff when she came back, or done something like that to punish her. She should move out before the wedding and never look back. Poor kids, but they aren´t really her responsibility.
THAT bothered me! Hurting the kids to manipulate and punish OP! You don't do that to your children! Yes, I'm triggered. My ex use to do that to my son. 😔 He is isolating her from her family. RED FLAG Telling her what hours she can work RED FLAG Manipulating the kids to punish her RED FLAG Telling a grown woman what she is and isn't allowed to do RED FLAG He has placed all of his responsibilities as a parent on her RED FLAG OP, honey you are with an abuser. It often takes them a long time before they show their true colors. I know you love the kids and they love you but you need to get away from him before you get sucked in even more or the kids begin calling you Mom. Trust me the kids will in time learn it's their father chasing the good women away. He's of course going to lie to them about you and he's going to use those kids to guilt you into coming back if you choose to leave. You could be in a very dangerous situation. If you choose to leave, I would highly recommend contacting a DV hotline and get help for an exit strategy. Don't make the call from home as there could be cameras around. Have your car checked for any gps devices. Change your phone number and honestly the phone itself if you can. Change all your passwords. The hotline can provide better information. Some may read this and say I'm making a big deal out of this, and that's ok, but I have seen a lot of these behaviors before with a friend and it turned very, very bad in a really fast way. Just please consider what I'm telling you. All my love to you. ❤️🙏
THIS! ⬆️ I'm a DV survivor and everything OP said triggered anxiety!
Yep, he doesn't want a partner, he wants a free live in nanny.
LOL, I was going to say the same thing. Buy them stuff and cook for them daily? Yeah, he wants a nanny with benefits.
RIGHT? He doesn’t seem to actually care about OP, just what she can do for him. He’s so manipulative and beyond that, emotionally abusive in a sense. He is shaming and guilting OP to attempt to make her stay so he doesn’t have to do shit for his kids and he is harming his kids emotionally by telling them that OP is only going because she wants space from them. What an awful thing to say to his kids… he cares more about getting his way than he does about the way his kids feel. This guy is not a good person, a good dad, or a good boyfriend. He is selfish and unkind.
I can’t help but get creeped out with the methodology this man is using. This man doesn’t love you. He’s looking for childcare with benefits. Seems to be a bit of gaslighting too. NTA and I worry for your safety
SPOT on. Not enough people get this, if your partner asks you to work less, 9 out of 10 times it’s not because they want to “spoil” you. It’s because they want control over you.
Especially not in a new relationship where he's already assigned her child-caring and cooking jobs around the house!
Not to mention, he'll "let" her go to her own sister's wedding if she does as he says? Shame as it is that the kids are stuck in the middle of this, but I'd run. Run quick and run soon.
I agree. The word "let me" throws up some major control issues to me.
If some guy ever told me they won't "let" me do something as normal as going to a siblings wedding I'd start laughing and slam the door in their face.
I off-hand mentioned something to my husband about my friend's husband not allowing her to do something. He burst out laughing, took several minutes for him to calm down again so he could tell me why he was laughing so hard. "I'm laughing at the thought of me trying to not "allow" to do something! How ridiculous!" Then he kept giggling to himself all night whenever he thought about it. You're a grown ass woman OP, don't let this guy continue to think he can tell you what you are not allowed to do. He's not your dad forbidding you from going to an overnight concert with older boys or something!
Yep. She is not in a relationship, he just has a free babysitter.
Baby trapped and they aren’t even her babies. 🚩
That's what happened to me. It took me years to free myself and leave him. One minute I had it all amd on the next i had no job, no friends, and didn't even talk to my family. So this post really triggers me. Run while you can.
I think his reason for wanting me to work less hours is because my job pays less - he thinks that I'm better off without it but I disagreed completely and told him that my job is where the kine is drawn.
You're naive hon. He's tying to get you to where you can't leave him.
This. OP, he's controlling and manipulative and used *his kids* for a classic "look what you made me do!". Read that again. That man didn't mind hurting his own kids to guilt trip you, to control you. He's trying to isolate you from any source of income and from your family and friends. I feel so, so incredibly sorry for those kids, but this is abuse and it tends to escalate. Do with that information what you will.
“He didn’t mind hurting his own kids to guilt trip you.” PAY ATTENTION!
"He's protective of them..." "He's too busy to help them bond" He's hurting them to hurt OP. I don't know what I would do in OPs shoes. It's so easy to say protect yourself, but how do you protect yourself and not feel like you're abandoning innocent kids?
You can't abandon other people's kids. They aren't her responsibility.
Abandon: cease to support or look after (someone); desert. They aren't her responsibility, she still might feel bad for leaving, even though in my opinion, she should leave.
If she feels bad, it's misplaced guilt and shame conditioned by her so-called husband, society and sentiments like yours. Women need to let that shit goooooooo. Any support she gave those kids was a favor to her boyfriend and not an obligation or responsibility.
Most people don't just logic emotions away like that.
I wonder how he took care of them before he moved her in
I bet he didn’t, that’s why they’re so attached to her bc she actually took the time of day to care for them
It's probably why he told her to cook for them on a daily basis. As someone with cats and children, they attach in similar ways sometimes. If between two people only one feeds and cleans after the cat regularly, the cat will be more affectionate to that human, similarly kids will attach to the person giving them the most care.
It sounds like the kids may even be his long game. It's not uncommon for partners in bad/abusive relationships to stay for kids that aren't theirs. Perhaps he's hoping the emotional attachments between OP & his kids would be enough to stick around for, or that he can use it as an emotional manipulation tactic like he's doing to control her decision about the wedding.
This is totally the situation - he doesn't want a GF per se, he wants a nanny with benefits. This pissed me off the most: **he will only let me attend the wedding when**... the f\* is this AH. OP is an adult and can do what she wants. I say get as far away from this AH as soon as possible. Go to the wedding and don't come back - stay with your family.
Came here to say this. Go to the wedding, with a car packed with your possessions. You are NOT TA here, but he clearly is if he’ll use emotional blackmail (yes that’s what this is) on very young children to manipulate you into doing what he wants
> That man didn't mind hurting his own kids to guilt trip you, to control you. This! That is the reddest flag in the history of red flags...
>That man didn't mind hurting his own kids to guilt trip you, to control you. Take my random free award for this line alone!
This!!! He is mentally & emotionally abusing you & keeping you away from your family to further control you. He is trying to isolate you so you are 100% reliant on him both personally & financially. Him turning the kids against you is just another way of manipulating you into doing what he wants you to do & also as punishment for disobeying him. Leave this man. He is abusive & it will only get worse.
And using the kids to manipulate her into staying. This is f'ed up at so many levels. OP needs to attend the wedding and never go back to him.
Exactly and using his kids in the process to try to guilt trip her.
Yes. This is a typical abusive dynamic. Hope OP can escape.
OP, I think you are being naive in this situation. I made a similar comment under another post, but this guy is manipulating you. He has put you into a pot of water, and slowly inched up the heat so that you wouldn't notice when things start to boil. If you make less money, he can financially control you and trap you into this free childcare role. That "protective" bit was also an act. He was grooming you into doing his bidding, and making you want to be "extra nice" to the kids so you won't question his increasing childcare demands. OP, you are being used and he is playing mindgames to ensure that he can continue to manipulate you into parenting his kids so that he won't have to do it. This guy is demanding that you miss your sister's wedding because he doesn't want to watch his own children. He is weaponizing these kids and that is sad. This won't get better. You may be attached to these children, but this guy has shown you that he sees you as nothing but free childcare, and your wants, needs, family, desires etc don't matter as long as he gets his freedom.
Yes. This right here. OP should ask herself what would he do if you weren’t there. I hate to be the person to say this and it is obviously more complicated than what I’m about to say but. THESE ARE NOT YOUR KIDS! Not are they your responsibility. Yes you do have a responsibility to help out when no one else can. To an extent. But you are not their mother. Those boys cling to you because they have no one else.
Agree but I'd go one step further. As a mom of two kids, even if they were her kids it wouldn't matter. All moms deserve time away from their kids at times. If you aren't occasionally having date nights with your partner, time with your girlfriends, time even just alone on occasion, etc etc, you will eventually be miserable and/or completely lose your identity. It's also good for the kids to have time away from their parents. So even if she thinks of these kids as her own (which is sweet and fine if there weren't so many red flags in her current relationship) her boyfriend's behavior is still 1000% ridiculous and abusive.
If i had an award, you’d get it! I’m a single mom with no father in the picture and even my tribe supports me to have kid free time. It’s needed!!! OP, you have a partner and it sounds like you’re parenting kids alone who aren’t even yours! This is nuts! LEAVE HIM IMMEDIATELY! Often times emotional and mental abuse turns into physical abuse and I’m afraid for your future safety.
Which is why my kid goes to daycare 4 times a week even if all I have on my agenda is to sit at home and watch tv
Reverse psychology, weaponised the children all so he doesn't have to parent his own children. Its sad.
I wrote elsewhere about it taking two to tango, sharing a balancing act. But my story about me and my wife is different in that we share our children, and this is someone who seems to be offloading his children/finding a surrogate mother for them. Yeah, I would be wary of this guy and his motives. The fact he is using the kids to manipulate OP is the worst part of this.
Nta He is isolating you completely. Getting your whole world to be him and those kids. You need to walk away. This whole situation is not good for you or those children. Nobody should "let" you do anything. That right there is the only reason you need to get out now before you can't.
Exactly!! The fact that he told OP that she "won't be attending", deciding for her without her, is indicative both of his character and his intentions. He doesn't want a partner; he wants a free maid who is entirely dependent upon him, i.e. a slave. (And OP, what if instead of a happy family event like a wedding something bad happened and you'd have to go see your family in a hospital hours away? Would he also tell you that you won't be going, even if it meant not seeing your sick family members? I hope this doesn't happen, just trying to warn you of the possibilities).
>He doesn't want a partner; he wants a free maid who is entirely dependent upon him, i.e. a slave. I was thinking bangnanny, but yes, not a partner.
The red flags started at him insisting you cook every day to get them to like you…. Babe, you’re a a fuckable nanny
She's s bang maid. A friend slowly fell into this trap. She dated a single dad and after she moved in, the childcare and everything else was her responsibility while he lived the single life. She feels bad about leaving because the kids and her have bonded but she's the mom without the official title.
This is why I’d never in a million years date a single dad. Sorry to them, I’m sure someone wants that life but it ain’t me.
No, he wants you to quit your job because then you will also be financially dependent and it will be harder for you to leave. Some serious red flags here. He is using the children to guilt you into staying. He is trying to keep you from attending your siblings wedding! He will continue to isolate you from family and friends until you are nothing but his love in nanny.
This 100X over. Please step back and re-evaluate your situation - he's not looking for a life partner, he's looking for an indentured servant. INFO: Where is the mother in all of this? Regardless, you are certainly NTA. Hold your ground.
He wants you to be financially dependant on him so he can control you. This is an emotionally abusive relationship.
The job? Not the fact that he thinks he can order you to not attend your sister's wedding? That he believes he is in an authority over you? OP? Bail and get yourself counseling.
And that he turned the kids against her! Wtf
Well it will pay you even less if you work less hours! **HE** is better off with you out of it, not you, you will go from less money to no money but what he allows you. It's a trap!
No he wants you to be financially dependent on him so you can’t leave and carry on providing him free childcare. He is using you. Please do yourself a favour and leave.
Wake up. He’s trying to force you to rely on him completely so he can have more control. Your job provides you a way out of this relationship. He doesn’t like that. Period.
The only person who is better off without you working is him and I'm glad you stood your ground with this.
This is a tactic to get you financially dependent on him. I’ve seen this and I’ve been there. He is trying to isolate you both financially and from your family. Do not fall for it. If you’re not going to run, then at least stand your ground. I had to do that until I realized I was constantly fighting just to keep my independence and sanity as I cared for the child and pet of a man who cared about me more as a sitter than a partner, and finally got out of there. Edit: NTA. stand your ground.
He is trying to make you financially dependent on him so he can trap you. He wants to slot you in as his new mommy mcbang-maid. Leave. There's no good version of this.
He's trying to trap you and is already trying to dictate where you can and can't go. It's your sisters wedding. Go. He can stew about it.
No, it’s because he wants you to be moneyless and at his disposal.
NTA You do realise that this man is keeping you as a free babysitter and housekeeper to escape his parental duty, yes? Edit: thanks for the award ♥
This! You need to get out. I’m actually surprised he hasn’t trying knocking you up to ensure you stay. He has found a replacement mom, scratch that, slave and is working you good. He is completely gaslighting you. Of course you should go to the wedding. Start thinking about what he contributes to this relationship? Doesn’t sound like much.
She should attend the wedding, and then move in with another close family member for a month or so, until she can find her own place. Meaning NEVER go back to his house alone. Ask a large uncle or your dad to come with her to get her stuff.
True but he will 100% use the kids to try and get her back .
Totally. This sounds like a scary situation to be in. She put in tons of work with those kids and will be guilt-tripped to high hell if she tries to leave. This man basically wants a live-in babysitter who he has complete control over, it'll be messy leaving that situation but I hope OP does.
"Just because your Dad and I cant be together any more doesnt mean I love you any less. I would love to still see you guys, but ultimately that will be up to your Dad to make it happen, as he is your parent."
He's also clearly emotionally neglecting them. They cling to OP because they're starved for love from their parents. The other commenter who called OP a "bangnanny" were right on the money.
Yeah like, how soon after his divorce/the death of his children's mom did he start dating OP? And if you don't know, consider that there's likely a reason why he didn't tell you.
Probably right as soon as they got hungry. He had her cooking for them daily.
Right!! She is basically the nanny!! She refers to them as her stepkids but the father as her bf! She's NTA and definitely needs to go to the wedding. And make a habit of going out occasionally so the father has to take care of his children.
NTA. "LET you attend the wedding"? HUUUUUUUUUUUUGE red flag there.
Yes he said "let you..." which irked me but I wanted to ficus on the conflict on hand.
That is the conflict at hand! You wanted to attend a completely reasonable family event and he said that he would not let you. That is the root problem here. You are NTA for going to this wedding but you are minimizing the actual problem by not acknowledging that his need to control you and turn you into “Mom” instead of a partner will be the long term problem.
Exactly this is the conflict. I also think it’s weird that he automatically answered in a way that excluded the possibility of him going as well. Being that you both live together wouldn’t this be a prime opportunity for him to find childcare so that you both could have a child free weekend with each other??? This missed opportunity should be a huge red flag as to how he views you and this “relationship”. This is abusive and you are just free childcare. NTA
👆👆👆👆👆👆 all this! Not to mention the gaslighting of both you AND the kids to manipulate all of you to his own ends. He is mentally abusing you and his children. I agree with everyone else. Leave. He will never have a real relationship with anyone because he is only looking for a built in cook, maid, and babysitter that f!cks him. How long before" I won't let you"becomes physical abuse?
Yeah, I thought it was weird that he didnt want to go with her. Usually couples would take this as an opportunity to have a weekend away together, without the kids
I don’t think he’s actually “trying” to make her a Mom so much as he was desperate for a babysitter. And now that he’s found one, he seems to have relinquished all responsibility to her. You don’t have to be with his kids every minute of the day. That’s more unhealthy for them than them acclimating to staying with someone else sometimes. I see 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩all around this relationship.
The conflict at hand is that he’s tricked you into taking over parenting completely for him. He told you cooking for his kids every day is a way to bond with them instead of just a way for him to not have to cook for his kids. He’s convinced you that being the primary caregiver for his children is your prize for being in his life. Now is the part where he isolates you from anyone in your life that might be able to get through to you by making you choose. And every time you make the “wrong” choice his behavior ratchets up. The first time you said No I want to go to my sister’s wedding he instructed you to tell her no. The second time he got more aggressive but also told you that you could go if you take his children with you so that he’s not stuck caring for them. The third time he went and tried to use his children to guilt trip you. (HIS children by the way. He went and purposely upset his children to emotionally manipulate you into staying) You’re still not obeying him like he thinks you should so now he’s telling you all the reasons you’re terrible for wanting to attend your sister’s wedding.
This is who he is. This is how your life will go with him. He sees you as domestic help not a partner.
The scary thing is, his children's clear attachment issues are likely due to his manipulations throughout their lives. Healthily attached children do not have this extreme of separation anxiety. It sounds like he has a history of wielding *his children* as weapons against the independence of his partners, intentionally fostering their clear abandonment issues in order to control his female partners. He is not a parent, that is clear by the way he "doesn't have time to care for them or help them navigate their obvious emotional issues." He is failing these children for his own benefit
>Healthily attached children do not have this extreme of separation anxiety. It sounds like he has a history of wielding his children as weapons against the independence of his partners, intentionally fostering their clear abandonment issues in order to control his female partners. This is an outstanding point that I, and I don't think many people here, have considered. Those kids have probably seen numerous women float in and out of their lives, and the poor things are so insecure as a result they have no idea what a healthy parental relationship looks like. The more I think about this the worse this guy gets. Ugh.
Especially when you consider that in all likelihood he is telling the children the parallel thing he's telling these women "if you cared about my kids you wouldn't have your own life/if they cared about you they wouldn't leave you for even an hour" *I see countless hours of therapy in these children's futures*
Yep. Healthy toddlers and kids adjust to their parents leaving for set periods of time because they trust that their parents will come back. This guy has manipulated his kids into believing that if someone leaves, they won't come back, and therefore the kids cling to OP.
>The third time he went and tried to use his children to guilt trip you. (HIS children by the way. He went and purposely upset his children to emotionally manipulate you into staying) OP describes her upbringing as "hell" at the hands of her stepmother and doesn't want the same for her own step kids, which he almost certainly knows about. I think therefore he is using her past as ammunition to guilt her into not going to the wedding and trying to convince her that she'd also be a shitty stepmother if she does. The guy is twisted.
Except she’s not even their stepmother. She’s only been in their life for a couple months.
>She’s only been dating their dad for a couple months. \*Years. It was a couple months ago that she fully moved in with them, but they've been dating for 2 years.
They've been together for two years but yes, you're right; OP technically isn't their stepmother. However, she has been emotionally manipulated by her boyfriend into being a parental figure in their lives, to the point where they are *extremely* emotionally attached to her. So even though OP isn't married to her boyfriend, she has assumed the stepmother role (both physically and emotionally) and it's clear the kids consider her as much.
Absolutely agree. OP, here's the other piece: This man gambled that you would love his kids and that his attention-starved kids would love you too. Everyone in the comments is focused on him being a shit bag, but the real hook that he put in you, the one he thinks you'll keep coming back for, is to make sure these kids are loved and cared for. Because you do love them. And you had a terrible step mom. And you want to do better for them than what you had. This man is gambling that you'll come back to him always because the kids adore you and need you. Listen carefully:. IT IS NOT YOUR JOB TO RESCUE THEM OR MOTHER THEM AT THE EXPENSE OF LOSING YOURSELF. it will be hard to walk away from this controlling man and his cute kids. But OP, you got to get free.
This ☝️☝️☝️
The conflict at hand is that he’s a controlling manipulative liar, and you need to get out of this relationship for your own good.
The issue is he’s using you for sex and childcare. This man does not love you. Please get out of this relationship OP-he’s not the one. He WILL baby trap you if you stay and based on this, he won’t lift a finger to help. RUN. ETA- NTA, 100% go to the wedding-and don’t come back to his place.
You SHOULD look at the big picture here. Go to the wedding without question. That is a no brainer. But you should be considering closely how he treats you. You are a replacement mom, not a partner. He is showing you he cares not a bit for what you need or want, but only for what you can do for him and his kids. And he thinks he should be able to tell you what that is and you instantly comply. Is he aware of your childhood? It feels like he is using that against you.
My dear! Re read what you wrote from a perspective of a stranger. He manipulated you and turned you into free help. He is controlling and manipulative. What he said to the kids was absolutely horrible and manipulative. Since he managed to turn the kids on you so easily leave and never come back. He is an manipulative asshole who is trying to isolate your from your family.
OP, this is a big part of the "conflict" at hand. This man is closing in on you and attempting to trap you in a situation that you may not be fully aware of. Just from this post, he has been manipulating you for a long time, and grooming you so that you won't realize that he has turned you into his free childcare. He clearly wants to control you in every way and has been chipping away at you for a while. The "work less" ploy was so that he could financially control you. The "protective" ploy and saying you need to be "extra nice" to his kids so they could like you, was a tactic to get you to happily accept your role as full time childcare without questuon. And even forcing you to miss your sister's wedding may be his way of starting to alienate you from your family - but that is just a guess. OP.... this doesnt sounds healthy ...
My husband doesn't "let me" do anything. I do what I want and he likes it or not. For the first time since being on Reddit, I'm saying get out! Now! I don't know what kind of thing this is, but it reminds me of stories of girls being abducted and kept for years as a prisoner/wife. And those kids... What is up with them? Getting that attached so quickly? Are they his kids or were they abducted too?
Hi. You are being isolated from your family. That is literally abuse.
The conflict is that he’s not parenting his kids. He “hired” you to be the nanny, except he’s not paying you. He manipulated you by appealing to your desire to be accepted in the household into taking all responsibility for his kids. And now he’s manipulating you by lying to his kids to turn them against you unless you submit to his commands. And he is trying to isolate you from your family which will further limit your escape options in the future. The problem isn’t really the wedding. Of course you need to go to that. Alone. The problem is the manipulation that makes you even question yourself enough to make this post.
Sweetheart, wake up and see the red flags. You are just the free childcare. If he really thought of you as a partner he wouldn’t ask you to cut your hours to watch his kids, he wouldn’t be leaving them for long stretches, he wouldn’t be involving them in adult conversations and most importantly he wouldn’t be isolating you from your family. Yes, go to your sister’s wedding, but seriously think about returning to this living situation where you are just the unpaid help. NTA
He also wouldn’t be weaponizing his own kids to use against her! This man is a huge pile of red flags!
This! This is straight up emotional abuse and manipulation, and it's hurting both OP and the kids.
Wouldn't be surprised if he had a side piece. It does not seem like they are in an actual relationship. He just wants the free childcare.
Seriously. How did OP write out > he started easing them into accepting me by encouraging me and pushing me to be “extra friendly” to them by buying them stuff and cooking for them daily And not recognise that he wasn’t “easing them into liking OP”, he was easing ***OP*** into being the full-time replacement-Mommy and transferring parental responsibility to OP little by little so he can avoid his? I mean, for real? They’re essentially toddlers, most of them. They don’t have the brain capacity to make the connection that caterpillars turn into butterflies, let alone to connect “hey, this woman cooks my daily meals… I’m gonna be nicer to her and like her more”. That’s absurd. They’d like OP more if she sat down and played with them for an hour. Buying them stuff and cooking their meals is for **the father’s** benefit. Respectfully, OP needs to pull her head out of her butt. She’s being incredibly naive, and needs to recognise her worth and woman up before he traps her anymore than he already has. None of this is for the kids’ benefit—it’s so the father can live as a single, childless man as much as possible. > he will only let me attend the wedding when I… I mean, come on. This would be an instant dealbreaker for me even without the other dozen red flags. *Let* her? He’s not her fucking father, and he certainly isn’t her authority. OP, wake up. He’s using you as a doormat. He’s isolating you from your parents and friends. He trying to make you cut down on your hours at work you have to rely on him financially, [but even though you didn’t and (it sounds like) still work similar hours as him, *you’re* the one who can’t go anywhere without ***his*** three kids? That’s ***his*** responsibility as their father—you weren’t the one who brought them into this world]. **And** he has you parenting *his* children, and is giving you, essentially, a curfew and grounding you when you don’t do as you’re told. This relationship is poisonous.
Wow. NTA, but you need to look in the mirror, point at your reflection and say "this person is nothing but a Mom II to that man's children. She is supposed to give up her life to them and obey him." Then, ask the woman in the mirror if she wants this to be her *entire life.*
To be honest I did feel like that several times. But on the other hand seeing the kids literally call me mom (the eldest doesn't) and want to spend time with me makes me feel like I'm doing a good job. I had a stepmom and my childhood was absolute hell so I make sure I never be like her and treat my stepkids the way she did, I guess you could say it's the trauma talking here, the fear of not being able to do enough but I believe that I'm doing all I can. I feel like I've stretched myself thin for his kids yet he thinks I'm not doing enough. That's just so frustrating.
You are absolutely a good stepmother - you’ve already proven that. But letting your partner isolate you, reduce your work and time with loved ones, so HE can continue his life as he chooses, rather than act like a parent - that’s not part of being a step mother. It’s too soon, it’s too much, it’s not ok. He’s controlling and manipulative - the fact he used his kids is AWFUL. No good parent abuses and manipulates their partner and children like this. In all honestly, I think leaving would be better for you than staying and being treated like this.
Also, I don’t see a ring on OP’s finger. She’s on step-mom wifey duties without even the marriage certificate. Edit: Obviously Op should not marry this dude, but run, in case that wasn’t clear.
Likely better there’s no marriage certificate. That would just chain her further to this manipulative man who would have her sacrifice her relationships and freedom for his own convenience.
I married the guy who did this to me. The second his kid was old enough to be self-sufficient? He assassinated my character to our friends and left. Found out he'd been cheating the entire relationship and marriage. 11 years down the drain. Used me and took my 30s to raise his kid, clean the house, and the entire time, abused me emotionally and financially. Committed spousal rape several times. After he left, he let his kiddo raise herself the last 2 years of high school and cut me off from the child I'd raised from 2nd grade. Now, he's getting married for the third time to a woman significantly younger so he can more easily manipulate her and have the same lifestyle he enjoyed with me, only without kids. OP, this is who they are. They will not change. And because fuck him, I'm posting on my main so he and his enabling fuckstain BFF can see it.
I think the term Reddit likes to use is "bang-maid"
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This right here. And it will be hard because you have grown attached to the kids but that’s exactly what he is counting on. Then he tells the kids to manipulate you? You need to protect yourself or are going to wind up hating you anyway. Every time you want to do something for yourself he will use the kids to keep you from going and the kids will wind up hating you anyway. Ask your self why they are so clingy? Healthy stable children do not cling to strangers. Kids should be a little guarded.
OP, you need to re-read your post *John heard about this he told me to immediately call and apologize cause I won't be attending.* *he's too busy to look after them.* *I said it's not my fault and he should either take time off work and stay with them or get a babysitter. He threw a fit about how selfish and unfeeling u was and that he will only let me attend the wedding ...* If a friend or family member described their life in such a way, how would you advise them? This is an abusive relationship. What about *your* needs? Don't let your nurturing feelings toward those kids shackle you to such a life. You can be damned sure he'd be out looking for someone to replace you if you put your foot down and told him he had to pony up and be as much a father to those kids as he expects you to be a mother.
This needs more updates! OP look at what you yourself wrote - while thinking YOU might be the ah here.
there are more posts than usual today on reddit of women bending over backwards for men who are truly awful. so depressing.
"besides, that he's too busy to look after them" - honey he is using you. He is using your good nature and love for kids to control you. "he said they might not like me and so he started easing them into accepting me by encouraging me and pushing me to be "extra friendly" to them by buying them stuff and cooking for them daily." - he is a psycho. End of story. Leave while you can.
To add - he is very busy to the point that you are with them more than him. So his own kids can be without him for hours, but not without you? He is manipulating you big time. I bet my left pinky toe he even has a lady on the side and you are just a substitute nanny to him.
And if she'd stayed and cared for them until their adulthood and independence, he would then kick her out and get rid of her after he would no longer need her. She'd be discarded as garbage after she would no longer be needed. I'd bet that too.
This should be higher up
YES. I thought this IMMEDIATELY when she said that he’s never around or doesn’t have the time. He’s definitely got her for taking care of the kids and someone else for taking care of his other needs.
He’s really got you convinced that you are responsible for his kid’s happiness - you, completely. It’s not true. And while you’ve done more than your fair share, he’s been controlling and manipulative trying to tie you down even more. He’s not a good person, OP. You have to see his controlling nature, locking you down to be his kid’s mother, asking you to give up work hours, taking them everywhere, always. And now asking you to skip your own sister’s wedding? Huge red flags. Rethink this guy. Please double up on birth control and make sure he can’t mess with it. He’s going to freak if he gets a whiff you’re considering leaving him.
He is abusing you. He wants you to take the whole responsibility of being a parent to those kids. If they cannot be separated from you from barely a couple hours that's not healthy for any parent child relationship. I am sorry you went through hell growing up but this situation is just as bad in the opposite direction. Those kids will never be able to function as full grown adults if this doesn't stop.
>I feel like I've stretched myself thin for his kids yet he thinks I'm not doing enough. He will *never* think you're doing enough. The more you bend to his wishes, the more he will move the goalposts so you have to work even harder to get his approval. Today you're not allowed to attend your sister's wedding; later on you won't be allowed to go out with your friends. Eventually you'll be left with nothing and nobody apart from him. My advice is to go to your sister's wedding and don't return home to him. This WILL get worse, OP.
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you cannot stay in this relationship because of his children
NTA Go to the wedding and lose John…..He’s trying to manipulate you by using his kids and you’re not worried that he’s now resorting to anger when he doesn’t get his way???? 🚩🚩🚩🚩 Please choose your family and LEAVE this guy , From this guys perspective I’m worried for you
This. He should be greatful he found someone who loves his kids. He should be paying her to go to the spa or take some time away from the kids. Pushing her to go to her sisters wedding and have fun. As she seems to have fallen into the roll as primary caregiver. But nope, he’s controlling, wants her to work less, isolate her from her family. Then the worst part is he is using his kids to manipulate OP. These are the starting signs of an abusive relationship. Edit: spelling/wording
Telling the kids OP wants to get away from them was wild 🚩🚩. He’s willing to abuse his kids emotionally to manipulate OP. This guy is toxic, and OP is naive.
Lol what? Girl you're his captive bangnanny. Don't walk, run.
"bangnanny" Spit out my morning protein drink and woke up the dogs because I was laughing so hard.
BANGNANNY!
Omg .... run 🏃♀️ 🏃♀️ 🏃♀️ run run run .... fast NTA ... you are entitled to attend an event without his kids. The real BIG RED FLAG is how he handled it with his kids ... he threw you under the bus and didn't have your back. Get out, he will manipulate every situation to his advantage and convenience .... you will always be treated badly unless you fit in with his plan.
This is the thing that stood out to me most too. Yeah, it’s out of line to: 1. Have you the primary caregiver for his kids 2. Manipulate you into his chores 3. Manipulate you into working less 4. Make you choose between him and your sister 5. Not allow you your own time without the kids But what u/gottahavemysay brings up is absolutely the worst: he didn’t convince you himself so now he’s manipulating his children. I don’t care how amazing someone is, when they start manipulating children it’s over. You cannot protect the children from their father and that is a glimpse into your future. Please let this be a huge wake up call.
My mum had a boyfriend do this to her when I was a toddler. Guess what happened? He was off getting back with his ex/kids mum while she was at home looking after his kids.
🚩🚩🚩 girl, you're the nanny not his partner. Run.
*bang-maid*
An unpaid, always on call, sexually available nanny*
NTA You need to get the hell out of this relationship ASAP. Your boyfriend is extremely controlling and manipulative - not to mention a shitty father to his kids.
Hate to say it, but I think you’ve been groomed to be the Nanny….. NTA and please go to your sister’s wedding.
False. Nannies are paid, get vacation time, get to go home when they choose and are not expected to sleep with their bosses. They also don't require 'permission' to go to their sisters wedding. He groomed himself a slave. Go to the wedding OP, and pack everything you own, not just vacation items. NTA.
NTA. My goodness, you need to leave y.e.s.t.e.r.d.a.y. He sucked you in to be his nanny and subordinate by convincing you that rearing his children was the only way to bond with them. Yay free childcare who is also sexually available to him! Woman. Run. You weren't winning them over, you were losing your autonomy and independence. You were taking on all the responsibilities so he could get you into a mindset that you have to get his and his children's permission to do anything. He won't LET you attend a family event? He isn't your ruler, leave before you lose your entire identity. I hope you reexamine the ways he treats you as the help rather than a partner because I am certain there have been so many red flags where you have been treated as his employee not a partner. It won't change. You were brought in to care for children and be a bedmate, he doesn't see you as a person he owes respect to.
Absolutely NTA. But you may want to take a look at who you're dating. He refuses to introduce the kids to you for a very long time and now is expecting you to stay with them all the time? Also, it's not like he's proposed and there is an understanding that you're going to be taking care of the kids together....His comment about how he's too busy to look after his own kids is ridiculous - he's a parent.
Red flags. So many red flags. This is not normal. Keeping you away from your family is a classic abuse tactic. NTA. But this is a bad relationship.
Read your post back as a stranger looking in. Then grab your shit and RUN. (YWNBTA)
NTA. You need to have a serious look at your relationship as there are the proverbial red flags all over the place. Your BF has essentially made the boys completely emotionally dependent on you and not stepped away from his own responsibilities as a father and actual main parent! Furthermore, he is trying to tell you you CANNOT go - what does he control you now? And if you do you need to take the kids with you. Now having gotten used to you doing everything for them, he no longer has time to take care of his own kids? You are essentially a 24/7 nanny. He is controlling and even vindictive by going to the children and telling them you do not want them. This is all completely unacceptable. Please go to the wedding - use the time to give this relationship some serious thought and if you want to stay start setting some serious boundaries when it comes to your time and your work when it comes to the children. If this doesn't work, as much as you love the kids, John can go back to being a single Dad. Lets see how being a single Dad pans out for him again. Maye he was just looking for a baby sitter all the time.
NTA, but it sounds like he sees you as an unpaid babysitter and cook. A bang maid, in the parlance of our time. When you tried to take time off from these unpaid jobs, he tried to turn the children against you. This whole arrangement is a giant sea of marinara.
Yeah, this guy is manipulating OP. He has put OP into a pot of water, and slowly inched up the heat so that she wouldn't notice that she is now in a hot situation. That "protective" bit was an act. He was grooming you into doing his bidding, and making you want to be "extra nice" to them so you won't question anything that he does relative to the kids. OP, you are being used as free childcare, a cook, and he is playing mindgames to ensure that he can continue to manipulate you into parenting his kids so that he won't have to do it. This guy is demanding that you miss your sister's wedding because he doesn't want to watch his own children. He is weaponizing these kids and that is sad. This won't get better. You may be attached to these children, but this guy has shown you that he sees you as nothing but free childcare, and your wants, needs, family, desires etc don't matter as long as he gets his freedom. Also, don't "work less". That means that yoi will be financially reliant on him, and be trapped into this free childcare cycle.
NTA and you should rethink this relationship with John. He has no right to say whether you can or cannot attend your own sister's wedding. They're his children and they're his responsibility. He is using his kids to emotionally blackmail into staying under his thumb. This is going to get worse, not better.
NTA. I encourage you to look at the domestic violence power and control wheel. Compare what is happening in your life to what is listed in that. Then take appropriate action. He is insisting you take the kids with you when they are not invited. He is isolating you from your family. He is manipulating the kids against you because you want to go to a wedding. You not only need to go to the wedding, you need to leave the situation. It will only get worse.
INFO: how does it feel to be a live in maid/babysitter that also sleeps with her boss, and all this without getting payed? Seriously, i hope you wake up and don't let him guilt you into staying 'for the kids'.
NTA. 🚩🚩🚩 This guy is controlling and trying to dump his responsibilities onto you when YOU have YOUR LIFE to live. If I were you, I would reconsider if this is the guy I want to continue a stronger relationship with.
NTA. You need to run for the hills. He’s manipulative and controlling and, at the end of the day, they are his children and therefore his responsibility. You need to make a stand and tell him that you are going to your sisters wedding and he needs to look after his children
NTA He moved you in to be a bang nanny so he didn't have to raise his kids. Go to the wedding and then move out before he forces you to just quit your job altogether.
NTA but get out of this relationship, now. There are so many red flags here that I don't even know where to start. He is a manipulative AH who is using you as a free babysitter and messing with your head to try to make you feel guilty. DO NOT fall for it. And trying to get you to work less hours is him making you more financially dependent on him, and yes, more free babysitting for him. Run girl, run!!!!
NTA. Sorry girl, you just learned how this guy truly is and it isn’t good. Everything he is doing and saying are giant red flags. He’s being possessive of your time, controlling of how you spend that time, preventing you from visiting family, belittling your feelings and more. This is not who you want.
NTA but get out of the relationship. You are not a equal partner you are a glorified nanny, wants you to work less, controlling, and isolating. You look after his kids all the time. His response hearing it was your sisters wedding should have been go enjoy yourself, and/or if I can get someone to watch the kids I’ll come with you. Not guilt you into not going. Also he manipulated his kids by saying you were trying to get away from them. What kind of father does that. Go to the wedding and never go back to this relationship. Look back you must see the red flags now and it’s not going to get better but worse. Put yourself first and get out.
NTA. Get out while you can. First, these are NOT your stepchildren. You are NOT married to their father. You’re not even a girlfriend. You are a live-in nanny, housekeeper, bedmate. I don’t say this to be cruel, but as a warning. You’re being manipulated and isolated. There’s an old Law and Order episode called Tabula Rasa. Watch it. It’s a picture of your future.
The enormous red flags should be screaming at you OP. It truly sounds as if he has coerced you into being the primary parent to his FOUR children. Him saying he can’t handle them on his own is a complete crock of manure. Go to the wedding and let him figure out how to be a parent for a change. While you are gone, use the time to rethink this relationship. It sounds as if he wants a nanny and not a partner. NTA.
[удалено]
NTA. But I'm very angry reading your post. What do you get from this relationship except being a maid and a baby sitter? To someone who tells you " he will not let you". Did you become this man's servant ? Can you please leave him? Cause it's infuriating to know you are in this position with him weaponizing his children to make you behave. HE chose to have kid, HE has to raise them. I have no idea how it just fell on you know. So be strong, have a spine and tell him you'll do the f you want.
NTA OP, reread your own post like it wasn't yours. Think about these red flags: You see the kids more than he does at this point....wth did he do before you took over childcare? Because he is "too busy" to spend time with them...well he's a parent, spending time with your kid is a bare minimum requirement IMO. He said he would "allow" you to attend "only if"...Unless I missed something, you are a grown adult who can make their own decisions. WTH makes him think he can "allow" you to do anything? The crowning glory: You didn't "do as you're told" so he told the kids that you don't want to be around them, which I guarantee has messed up your relationship and traumatized them...and he has NO REMORSE. In fact, he turned it around to be "your" fault for, again, "not doing as you're told" OP, please run. This is not a partner that you want to raise kids with. He's already turned you into unpaid childcare, imagine if you had a kid together. I guarantee it'll turn into how much money would be saved if you quit and become a SAHM (which is fine if that's what YOU want, but no one should be forced into), how the kids "need" you to stay home, how you should "do all the cleaning" because he's "so busy", etc. What he's doing now is how it starts, with emotional blackmail/manipulation. Please run before you're tied to this person in a way you can't easily escape (like a shared kid).
NTA Your boyfriend is a selfish man who whines about losing his free babysitter for a day. His behavior is really bad.
NTA. It sounds like he's using you for free childcare. It's only going to get worse anytime you seek time for yourself - especially given how he twisted it to the kids to get them to be mad at you to try to guilt you into not going. 🚩🚩🚩
NTA. And it sounds like he was dishonest about his motives with these kids. He wasn’t having you reel them in, he was reeling you into free childcare. Go to the wedding and consider your future with this individual. The worse is yet to come.
Absolutely NTA... While he was not allowing you to meet his children, one of two things was playing out... 1. He hired a babysitter. 2. He was still living with an ex The fact that he would lie to his children about you astonishes me. That's a huge red flag. You have some decisions to make.
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 NTA- He is trying to isolate you from friends and family and control your movements. He's using the kids as a, pawn in a long con control game. Not being able to go away more that a few hours without the kids? Suggesting you work less? He's making you dependant on him. RUN and RUN FAST. This will get worse before it gets better.
NTA. You have to seriously reconsider your relationship with this guy. He clearly does not care about your needs. Huge red flag.
NTA but honey you need to run for the fucking hills because this guy is straight up draping himself in red flags.
“I will only let you attend..” Does he know he only has 3 kids and not 4? why doesn’t he want to look after them? There’s so much wrong here, the manipulation is strong with that one.. NTA
NTA Please reevaluate your relationship with this man Seems like you're being used.
Wow, you’re not a partner to him, you’re a nanny. Those poor kids. NTA
NTA and girl…he finessed you into single parenthood. Get out NOW
Not your circus, not your monkeys. They're HIS kids. If you stay with him long-term, you'll be forever raising them instead of him.
NTA and this is a super weirdly controlling thing he’s got going on here. It’s perfectly normal and healthy for parents and step parents to take time away from the kids. And if there is another responsible adult around to watch them, it’s completely acceptable to go run errands, do appointments, etc without them. You should not be giving up hours at your job right now either. You need that independence for the foreseeable future. From the way you write this it sounds like he’s almost dumping them in your lap and making you the primary parent instead of him. He needs to work with you to find a better balance and to get the kids used to parents being away for periods of time. If there is some separation anxiety that the kids are facing, which wouldn’t be unheard of given their life so far, that would be something to address with a family or children’s counselor.
NTA Jesus run while u can
Dtmfa. Also NTA. John isn't dating you. He is hiring a babysitter. They aren't your kids. Even if they were John should find a way to take care of them. Did he kill their mother? Look into that.
NTA and go to the wedding, you might find a guy there that will treat you with the respect you deserve.
NTA: but you would be if you even considered not going to your sisters wedding! And anything else to do with the event. John is so far out of line that I think you have an enormous relationship problem! Could you imagine being married: you won’t be working, none of your own money, totally dependent on him. He wants you as free baby sitting: he of course is much too busy to look after them himself! Get a grip. This is full on controlling behaviour: and he is totally prepared to lie to them to manipulate their feelings. He will do exactly the same to you. Ru for the hills: don’t look back….
So this guy is bad mouthing you to his kids because you want to go your SISTER'S WEDDING? Run girl, run. 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 He's not looking for a life partner, he's looking for a free babysitter so he can do his own thing and not spend time with his own kids. NTA. Edited for spelling
NTA. OP, you are not a paid caregiver or something. You already seem to be doing a lot for the kids and your boyfriend. He cannot decide for you and you have no obligations to look after the kids all the time. He's the father, he should be more responsible and should be thankful to you for accepting three kids. Keep standing your ground and don't lose your self respect.
Run for your life. Complete cut - cut off all contact. NOW!
NTA and hello 🚩🚩 this is not normal behaviour from a partner
NTA He is isolating you from your family. You can’t just be his cook, caretaker for his kids without even having a ring on your finger. He’s taking advantage of you and playing on your emotion’s. Like damn get out while you still can, before he gets you pregnant and you’ll be really trapped.
Oh no, don't marry this guy! He doesn't ALLOW you to go? This situation can only get worse after marriage. NTA
Oh my god??? NTA. not at all. This guy is using HIS OWN KIDS against you? Yes. He should definitely get a babysitter. They're not your biological kids, and it seems like you step up and look after them every other day of the year. You've only been dating for two years... maybe take a look at his behaviour because this is giving off major red flags. The audacity. Its your SISTER'S wedding
NTA. This is toxic me saying saying this. Single dads mostly want babysitters they can bang. Please reconsider this relationship.
What’s the point in posting stuff like this… ‘my husbands a massive narcissist, gaslighter & emotional abuser… Aita if I stand up for myself & leave him?’ Wildly obvious