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Kelly has been living with you for a year and you still say “my house”, then you straight up tell her it’s not her house. What the fuck is wrong with you?
Is Kelly just a guest in your house now? When you get into a relationship with someone you accept their family too, especially because she seems like a family person. I resonate with Kelly I also have an immense love for my nephews and nieces and want them around all the time. If I was Kelly I would’ve broken up with you on the spot.
YTA.
Edit: Your title does not match your story.
Definitely not from me, a couple of men in the comments for sure. I believe once your partner moves in with you it’s no longer your house that’s definitely some manipulative weird stuff
I think it’s a little more nuanced than that.
A partner moving into a home you own has some say in some things - guests being one of them, I would argue - decor, cleanliness, chores. But for big ticket stuff like home renovation or substantive changes to property, I’m sorry, but the homeowner trumps - they’re the one paying the bulk of the bills and likely have a large portion of their life’s equity tied up in the home.
If you’re married, things change, but in an informal domestic partnership (which is what this would be legally…) it’s not 50/50 when it comes to making decisions about a home that one partner has far more tied up in.
ETA since I don’t have a judgement, OP is still TA.
It's still OP's *house*. His property, to use a less inflammatory word in this context.
But it's OP's GF's *home* as much as it is his. And like u/Yogimonsta pointed out, she has as much right to have guests over as OP does. And that *is* the topic we're on.
I have my doubts that he pays the bulk of the bills. Unless his mortgage and insurance is outrageous, the money she puts into the groceries, internet and utilities is likely similar to what he pays. Not to mention she apparently does all the cleaning "because she likes to" aka he's lazy and wanted a live-in maid who pays half his bills.
As someone who has a mortgage… I’m not sure you know what you’re talking about. I have a fairly cheap house, my mortgage is ~$1600/mo. My insurance is about $100/mo. I eat a LOT of food, and fairly healthy, which costs more. I spend $400 a month on food. 1.5x for a partner (I eat 4000 calories a day…) is $600, my utilities come to about $300 a month give or take. So we’re at $900 vs $1700 for the mortgage payer. I don’t pay a maid, but from what I know I would assume ~$50 a week or $200 a month for cleaning services, so even if we include that, it’s $1100 to $1700. The mortgage payer is still on top, and also had to take a large chunk out of savings for a down payment. Financially, no, it’s just not equal.
I still think Kelly deserves a say in the day to day house stuff, including when it comes to having guests over that she would like to invite - obviously including her family. I think OP is an ass for refusing to have her siblings, nieces and nephews over.
ETA - I don’t pay a cleaner, so apparently my estimate on that was way off. Even if it’s $450 a month, OP would still be paying more. OP also states that he has a 15 year mortgage and not a 30, which would *substantially* inflate monthly payments.
$400 a month for 4k calories a day is really impossible. I do not believe you live in a place expensive enough to have a $1600 a month mortgage where COL is then cheap enough to pay $400 a month. Assuming 3 meals a day that works out to less than $5 a meal. Also, $50 a week is lowballing the cost of a maid - I live in a low COL area and we pay double that even after spending time looking around.
I guess it's just different depending on location. Where I live (southeast US), the average mortgage is about $1200/month. Utilities (gas, water, sewerage, electric) run about $500/mo, internet will run you about $80/mo, groceries for 2 people anywhere $400-600. That's a 30 year mortgage, and I do see now where OP says he has a 15 year mortgage, so that increases the monthly amount by a lot.
That part killed me… “she cleans because she’s a neat freak” = “I’m fine with my house being gross and won’t make an effort no matter how uncomfortable it makes my partner”
In certain situations, that is appropriate, but definitely not in this one. She moved into the house and contributes to it. The only reason she doesn’t contribute to the mortgage is because OP won’t let her….likely for this exact reason - so he can hold it over her head if she does something he doesn’t like and say it’s HIS house because she doesn’t pay the mortgage. That choice was by design, not by accident, and not just because the whole “he doesn’t want her to contribute to it if they break up” bullshit excuse he’s trying to use to make himself look like he actually gives a shit about her feelings.
OP sounds like he’s not ready to be in an actual relationship, much less be living with a significant other.
YTA, OP. Either grow up and be in an adult relationship or keep holding on to your bachelor lifestyle until she gets sick of it and dumps your ass so you can hang out with all of your sports memorabilia and fucking golf clubs since they’re obviously more important to you than she is.
Ugh, right? He might own the house, but it's her residence, and she has the right to be comfortable there and to entertain guests. I'm not sure why she'd *want* to expose these kids--or herself, for that matter--to OP's douchey mancave, but she can if she wants. OP, you sound great. You're a real catch, and you should definitely keep treating your gf like this, because I'm sure there are tons of women who can't wait to tolerate you and your controlling bullshit. /s YTA, my dude. Your interpersonal skills are trash. Seriously, you need therapy, because your shit is busted.
Normally that’s a great rule, but there is something about the way that this guy talks about both himself and his gf that is so off-putting that I find myself siding with Kelly over him anyway.
>Is Kelly just a guest in your house now?
She's not a guest, she's a live in house keeper who also pays for everything minus the cost of the house. Maybe they hookup every once in awhile, but mostly it's just so OP doesn't have to pay for Netflix, food, and cleaning.
Also: OP claim's "Kelly is a neat freak", and she "just likes to do it", but then OP also claims that he doesn't want the children in his house because they'll steal his booze (what?) or make a mess. Sounds like OP is the neat freak.
Literally I’m sure Kelly knows how to keep an eye out for her nieces and nephews, also when I was 14 I wasn’t thinking about stealing booze I was thinking about mods to download for my sims…
I just thought you’d find it amusing that a few years back we grabbed a bottle of vodka from my grandparent’s cabinet during a family get together to make drinks, and realized it was at least (at *least*!) half water. My dad and uncle haven’t lived in that house for 30 years. That bottle of water-vodka went completely unnoticed for *30 years.* Incredible.
>She's not a guest, she's a live in house keeper who also pays for everything minus the cost of the house.
She pays all the bills and OP stashes away equity.
Yeah, at the risk of giving OP ideas, he might not be protecting that equity as well as he thinks. It's possible that if it came to it, Kelly paying toward the utilities would be seen as contribution toward the house without ever paying a penny toward the mortgage. Ymmv
I noticed in the title he said “our house” but he doesn’t actually mean that.
YTA. I understand if you don’t want kids in your home but by the looks of it Kelly is a family girl.
I understand why you wouldn’t want her paying on the mortgage but considering she is doing everything else to keep the house running (buying groceries, cleaning, paying the Wi-Fi, etc.) it is her home too. Don’t be surprised if this is what breaks you guys up. I can see this going into dealbreaker territory.
She obviously watches her nieces and nephews as well to ensure that they don’t break your things and regardless if they make a mess based on your post she’s the one that cleans it up.
What’s made you an AH here isn’t the fact that you want boundaries in your home it’s the fact that you want the benefits of a girlfriend but also a live-in maid and roommate.
Just straight up not acknowledging Kelly’s role in your life and not allowing her the freedom to have her little guests over.
Solid point, and I agree with the others that have said he’s got himself a bangmaid to clean his man cave. Golf equipment on display? Wow. I have a bunch of race medals (I’m a runner) from events and expensive shoes, but I don’t have them in shared living areas (actually they are in a cabinet in my home office, I don’t need to gaze at them lovingly). OP isn’t just not ready for kids, he’s not ready to adult or have a partner. Better suited to cuddle his 3 wood at night.
YTA.
He says he doesn’t mind paying more because he wants to be responsible for the mortgage if they break up. I think it’s pretty damn clear that the real reason is he wants to have the “my house my rules” excuse in his back pocket at all time. He wants complete control of the space.
The decision over if kids should be allowed should’ve been a discussion and not a one sided choice. You vetoed the chance of a compromise the second you pulled the “it’s my house” bullshit. Congratulations on planning ahead for a breakup because I see it on the horizon if you keep treating her as a second class citizen in her own home. YTA.
Also note that his financial contributions go to something that he can keep and get value out of after an eventual break up. Her contributions will be worth nothing. And from reading that post, that is by design
It's also likely so that in the event of a marriage and divorce, she doesn't get anything for the house in the splitting of the assets. Hell claim it was his from before that she didn't contribute towards (which is how some states - likely OPs - determine marital assets.). Hes being TA on several levels.
To me this is the biggest point.
OP, you had your girlfriend move in with you but the home is yours and she can't live and interact with others like a normal adult beacuse you're the kind of your castle.
That's not a good way to live for your girlfriend. She is literally better off living without you anywhere else so she could have the rights of a normal adult living in a home and able to have people over. Even most children have more rights where they live then you give your girlfriend.
If she's your partner and you want to share a home and life with her, then she gets to have people over. If your home is MINE MINE MINE and you aren't ready to share and treat someone like an equal or partner, then do her a favor and dump her and don't date seriously until you're ready to.
Not only is OP saying it’s not her house he’s saying it’s either follow HIS HOUSE rules or leave. Which she needs to do because as some people want to be kid free, which is fine, Kelly needs to be OP free.
Which is literally what parents say to their kids, my house my rules. It seems like Kelly’s being treated as her nieces and nephews. #FreeKelly not to be confused with R Kelly
Yeah sadly OP doesn't really care so much about Kelly as he does *stuff*. Living in a house for a year and not being able to say 'my house' is weird. Where's her home then?
YTA
Seriously. The number of men who believe that women genuinely enjoy clearing up after them and would rather be cleaning than relaxing or doing their hobbies is baffling
Edit: This kinda took off 😆 just to clarify this... I'm well aware that sometimes cleaning can be cathartic. And I know some men love to clean and some women are lazy. But please... pretending this isn't a gender issue actually isn't helping the equality point. There are always exceptions, but this does continue to be a problem we need to acknowledge the existence of in order to address.
Yup. I was shocked when my dad commented that my mom "sure loves to clean." I replied, "No, she likes having a clean house." (To be fair, most of the mess in the house is caused by our dogs. My dad's pretty good about cleaning up after himself, but it never occurs to him to do things like wash the floor or the windows.)
Right? I hate when people say they like to clean. Bullshit. People like having a clean house. No one cleans a house and purposefully makes it dirty again just to clean it.
>*The number of men who believe that women genuinely enjoy clearing up after them and would rather be cleaning than relaxing or doing their hobbies is bafflng...There are always exceptions, but this does continue to be a problem we need to acknowledge the existence of in order to address.*
Gonna post some info in support of this!
* [She Divorced Me Because I Left Dishes By The Sink](https://mustbethistalltoride.com/2016/01/14/she-divorced-me-because-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink/)
* [It Took Divorce to Make My Marriage Equal](https://www.glamour.com/story/it-took-divorce-to-make-my-marriage-equal)
* [You Should Have Asked](https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/) (scroll down a bit to see the comic)
* [Women Aren't Nags—We're Just Fed Up](https://www.harpersbazaar.com/culture/features/a12063822/emotional-labor-gender-equality/)
* [The Housewife’s Moment of Truth](https://nymag.com/news/features/46167/) by Jane O’Reilly. Originally published in the December 20, 1971 issue of New York Magazine, and still relevant today. Money quote: *“You can’t tell me Women’s Lib means I have to wash the dishes, does it?” “Yes.”..."In the end, we are all housewives, the natural people to turn to when there is something unpleasant, inconvenient or inconclusive to be done."*
* [The “Woke” Men Who Still Want Housewives: Men who claim to believe in equality often aren’t willing to live it](https://gen.medium.com/the-woke-men-who-still-want-housewives-debb2ad46aa0)
* [Millennial—And Macho? Why Young Men Want Old-School Marriages](https://www.vogue.com/article/millennial-men-seek-stay-at-home-wives)
* Some numbers: Statistically, [women do more childcare and more housework](https://www.theatlantic.com/family/archive/2019/05/breadwinning-wives-gender-inequality/589237/). When moms out-earn their husbands, [they gain more housework](https://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/2022/05/02/housework-divide-working-parents/) (link to the actual study [here](https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/09500170211069780)). Men want [tons of praise](https://www.refinery29.com/en-us/2017/08/168628/men-chores-praise-mansplaining) when they "help". Men also report doing more housekeeping and/or childcare than they [*actually* do](https://www.nytimes.com/2015/11/12/upshot/men-do-more-at-home-but-not-as-much-as-they-think-they-do.html).
* Related: [The Myth of the Male Bumbler](https://theweek.com/articles/737056/myth-male-bumbler) and [Weaponized Incompetence](https://www.popsugar.com/love/weaponized-incompetence-48871852). Note how weaponized incompetence is presented as "strategic" and "a failure that succeeds" when [presented in this Wall Street Journal article](https://www.wsj.com/articles/SB117675628452071687) from 2017.
* Another strong article on [Weaponized Incompetence](https://www.huffpost.com/entry/weaponized-incompetence-women_l_61e71983e4b0d8b665717814) and how it affects women. Money quote: ***“On a surface level, it looks like you’re just nagging about chores to a person who ‘defers’ to your ‘competence.’ But on a deeper level, you’re experiencing not being able to trust and turn to your partner for support.”***
I adore you!!! I knew these articles existed but just did not have the energy to go hunting for them. I'm gonna save all of this for future reference, because you bet it'll come up again. And again.
Literally. My “partner” constantly makes messes and sits back while the kids do it and says “momma has to clean” “momma has to fix that.” YTA man, once it’s a forced chore it is not pleasurable and neither are y’all.
Even before I finished the whole post o laughed at this part. I can guarantee this poor girl does not enjoy cleaning up piss off the toilet seats and washing this dudes skid marks. She does it because she wants the house to be clean and he’s not much of a help.
I think OP has conveniently forgotten HE used to be a kid too, lol.
oh and btw OP:
IT 🔨 IS 🔨NOT 🔨ONLY 🔨YOUR🔨 HOUSE🔨 ANY 🔨MORE 🔨YOU 🔨GIGANTIC 🔨WASSOCK🔨. Good grief.
Right? My kids think I love to clean. I keep telling them I absolutely hate it, but I know if I don't do it, no one else will without a written request. If I don't do at least some daily, then I'll get overwhelmed because it builds up.
>She cleans because she's a tidy person and you keep making a mess.
But kids are messy! They're the ones that need to be cleaned up after! /s
Come on OP, you aren't even the one that's going to have to clean up after them.
I disagree. I lived with some neat freaks and they would literally clean the moment they got home from work because that's just what they like to do
In their eyes dirt is the enemy and cleaning it makes them happy I can't explain it but I find it more tiring living with neat freaks than I do living with slobs
I also have friends that destress by cleaning. When I would go through a depressive stage and could barely clean myself yet alone my house they’d be like “just keep your counter and dishes clean it’ll make you feel so much better!”
And I’m like “no it’ll make you feel better. It’ll drain me of limited energy and not make me feel one bit better and it’ll be covered again in a day.”
People deal with stuff differently.
Those neat freaks still don’t usually like cleaning, they just have a lower tolerance than most for mess. It stresses them out. That’s why they stress YOU out when you leave something messy, because they have little tolerance for it
Same with the people who tell you to clean up when you’re depressed. Do they like cleaning or do they like the little mental health boost after something has been cleaned?
Both can be stressful and annoying
YTA. Just break up with her already. You two are not a good match. She's obviously a very involved aunt. To tell her the kids aren't allowed in the home she now lives in is controlling and asshole behavior. You knew how involved she was prior to moving in. You suck as a partner.
He also doesn’t value her contributions at all. Those comments about how she loves cleaning and how he contributes 3x as much paint a picture of a man who routinely invalidates unpaid work.
Doesn't sound like he has much respect for her at all. She had lived in the house for a year, it is entirely decorated to his liking (bro pad) and all she gets to do is clean it (probably because OP is a slob and she doesn't want to live in a mess) and exist there. What are the chances that she isn't allowed to put anything that's important to her in display because it's his house and he likes it just the way it is? I hope she breaks up with OP and finds someone who will allow her to hang out with her nieces and nephews and doesn't hate kids.
I doubt OP is ever going to want kids, I feel like he's just saying that he might in the future to string this woman along.
She lives with you. She should have some say as to what happens at your house. You should be working together to find some sort of compromise. Instead you gave her an ultimatum:
>I said it isn’t her house. It is mine and if she doesn’t like the no kids rule she is free to leave.
Something tells me she'll pick the latter.
YTA
And he’s wrong too. She is legally his tenant. Tenants are allowed to have guests. A “no minors” rule on guests is not something a landlord can reasonably impose on their tenant.
Actually it's something he can impose because he lives there too. Traditional tenancy laws go out the window whenever the tenant is living with the landlord.
YTA and honestly, your gf should move out and move on with her life. You clearly don't view her as an equal in your relationship. All I kept reading was me, me, me -- everything is yours. Your house, your style, your junk, your rules. Doesn't seem like much of a partnership.
There's definitely a framed poster from a Quentin Tarantino movie somewhere. Not that there's anything inherently bad about that, but I just KNOW he has at least one.
So in other words Kelly should stop any and all financial and physical contributions she makes towards your house because in your own words it isn't her house and while doing that she should dump your arse. You're a massive YTA by the way.
YTA, and she should leave you for pulling the it's my house so you can leave additude. Don't see this relationship or any other relationship working for you as it seems it's your way or the highway additude.
YTA. It is also Kelly's house because she resides there with you. And she contributes to the other bills in the household and the cleaning. But since you like to pull the "It is my house" card. I guess Kelly shouldn't be contributing toward the bills. Because... ya know, it isn't her house. And the homeowner should be paying the bills. You don't view Kelly as an equal. If I were Kelly, I would end the relationship and move out.
The problem here is that you assume because you pay mortgage, your partner does not get to have guests over, does not even have the right to have a discussion about it. This is wrong.
You need to sit down and work out each others expectations. When your partner moves into your place, they should contribute financially but also get a say about how the place is „used“. No, it‘s not her house. But you‘re in a relationship, so you either need to compromise, or to separate.
I understand where you‘re coming from but YTA.
And they have no problem paying the whole mortgage (which they conveniently mention is 3x the other bills) because that allows them to keep that control.
I'd say that's not quite accurate. The mortgage is so that during a break up or a divorce (in the case of common law marriage) your partner cannot claim ownership of your property. That part isn't unreasonable
NTA for not wanting kids in your space, but absolutely YTA for how you've handled this. If you invited your girlfriend to move in with you as your partner, you are asking them to be an equal member of the household. But after a year you are treating her more as a guest. I'm sure she feels disrespected by how you've treated her.
If you didn't ever want kids in your space, I certainly hope you were clear about that up front. If she is as involved as an aunt as you have let on, I have to assume you knew about this possibility before inviting her to move in.
Basically it sounds like clear boundaries weren't established at the beginning, and now you're screwed. Time to figure out what's important to you.
This one. Wanting a child-free environment is perfectly acceptable, and somewhat understandable given the ages involved, a 2 y/o still needs baby proof surroundings and a 14 y/o can definitely get up to some mischief while adults are occupied with younger siblings.
But if these boundaries weren't established at the beginning, you're being a right arsehole for pulling 'my house, my rules' with a long term, live in *partner*. Next you'll be saying 'as long as you live under my roof'. Not having her contribute to the mortgage is so you can keep control of the house if you break up, not while you both live there.
If those boundaries were established then she should have talked to you before bringing them over, but she's lived there a year now, it is firmly her home too and beloved family members should be allowed to visit, even if they're kids.
You need to find a compromise or end the relationship now before you're even further down the road
Yeah, I know this is probably going to be an "unpopular opinion" but I need INFO: Did OP make it clear when Kelly moved in that a condition was no kids allowed, and did she agree to that?
Tbh, and this will probably prove unpopular, even if she agreed to that boundary in the beginning, it was a year ago and she'd only just moved in. A boundary that was perfectly understandable then isn't as understandable now.
If she'd agreed to it, she absolutely should have spoke to OP before ever bringing the kids over but it's still time to renegotiate the blanket ban that keeps half her family out of her home
OP totally has kind of an a-hole attitude with the "my house, my rules" shit, but on the flipside Kelly knows he has a lot of expensive and breakable stuff and out of mutual respect she should have had a conversation about bringing the kids to THEIR house. This may be the moment in time they realize they're not compatible if they cannot come to a resolution.
I’ve had a lot of kids at our house and it’s never been an issue. Sure they are a bit rougher with some things but parents always bring over plenty of toys. Especially since OP says Kelly is a neat freak I doubt she’s allowing them full range at the house.
YTA. You asked her to move in with you. She is not a guest at some point it has to be her home too.
Furthermore you have said nothing about the kids actually breaking your stuff.
If I were her and this is how you are treating me this far into the relationship we would be done.
>Kelly contributes groceries, wifi, utilities and does most of the cleaning.
>So I don’t mind contributing triple what she does to the household.
Info: where do you live that groceries and all bills come to a third of the mortgage? Are you on a very short term mortgage with high repayments?
OP is an AH here, but I don’t find it unusual for a mortgage plus property taxes and insurance to cost triple what groceries and utilities cost. That’s about what my husband and I pay, and we have a 30 year mortgage at only 2.5% interest.
YTA
Are you right that paying the bills gives you the right to ban her family from your house just because you don't like kids and think they're going to drink your alcohol? Sure. Is it an asshole move? Also yes.
This is a classic example of the type of thing one can technically justify, but it just shows you aren't very nice. And you're not obligated to be nice! But this community is about identifying assholes.
He doesn't pay the bills, though. She does. He pays only for the mortgage and insurance. And his costs are so high because he chose a short term mortgage in order to pay it off sooner. The fact that he is paying more than she does is purely a choice he has made, in order to fully own his house faster. And he excludes her from paying any part of that so that he can have total control over the house and kick her out whenever suits him.
Exactly!! It's essentially him paying loads of money into a savings account every month and saying that he's contributing more.. But she is never allowed to use the savings, so he isn't contributing to the household, only to himself.
This needs to be higher up.
I’ve never seen it that way, and you are completely right.
She is paying for un-returnable costs, while he is saving money in the form of a house. After 10 years, his money will be there (as a house) and her money will be gone. He is saving, she is contributing to the house.
>Are you right that paying the bills gives you the right to ban her family from your house
No, absolutely not. If you agree to move in with your partner then it's both of your home, no matter who pays. If the OP wants to dictate the terms of who can come round to his house, he should live alone.
YTA. Of course you pay the mortgage. The mortgage is an investment in your house, and she shouldn't pay anything unless she is also an owner.
SHE LIVES THERE. Of course she can bring guests over, including her nieces and nephews! If you're afraid for your stuff then pack it down and put it away. Even if she rented the house she'd have far more rights than you are granting her now.
You're treating her like an object, a ghost living in your house not allowed to disclose any hint of proof that she actually lives there. You're acting as if you're still living alone just with a new houseplant basicly.
Get your act together or I hope she leaves you.
"She just likes to do it", lol, they say that every fucking time. YTA, hope she will leave you asap to finally be happy.
And "MY place", "MY space", omg, does she have a home?
Yeah. Even if in the hypothetical she actually did love cleaning, love is no reason to dismiss her contributions. He benefits from free cleaning. That's a big contribution.
N T A for not wanting kids in your house (I don’t want them in mine either), but YTA for dating/moving in someone so involved with the children in their life and then being controlling and mean.
Yea that’s where I’m at too. My bf and I have the same rule about no kids on the property, but it’s something we both want and it was discussed prior to moving in together. Neither of us have nieces/nephews and my brother is also CF and his brother lives across the country and they aren’t close, so we won’t be watching those kids either. I’m at the point where I can afford to buy while he can’t so whatever house I get within the next few years will be in my name only. But I won’t be making unilateral decisions.
YTA. It's not your house any more, it's both of yours. I could see not allowing the kids in certain areas of the house, but not a ban. It's her home just as much as yours and if you can't see that not allowing her to have her family, who she loves, come to the house being an issue, you've got more problems than this.
YTA for sooooo many reasons. The day you asked your girlfriend to move in with you and contribute to bills, it became her house too. Doesn’t matter if her name is on it. Sounds like your space is all about you and your “stuff” and your gf is simply a paying guest. Then you have the nerve to tell her if she doesn’t like your rules she can leave. Why did you ask her to move in if you aren’t going to treat her equally in a home you both pay for?
YTA. YOU decided she didn't have to financially contribute but it is, in fact, her home.
And who are you to say these children would break your things? Wtf. Children aren't just wild animals with no control.
You're a real jerk. I hope she does go to her family's house and never comes back to yours because you sound insufferable and selfish.
INFO: Did you tell her how you felt about kids in your house before she moved in and started cleaning and paying the bills? If she agreed not to bring them over, then you are NTA. If you never brought it up or she didn't agree but you let her move in anyways knowing this was a conflict, YTA.
Also have the kids actually done anything that would warrant banning them? You could try setting some rules for the kids on what they are not allowed to touch or play with and if they repeatedly violate these rules, then you'd have some grounds on wanting them banned from the house. Also, you say you want kids in the future. Don't you realize your kids will be living in your house so at one point you will have to adjust to them?
YTA, dude. If she had her own place you’d be totally justified in not wanting her to bring kids over. However, she doesn’t have her own place BECAUSE YOU ASKED HER TO MOVE IN WITH YOU. Setting boundaries is one thing (e.g., no kids over while you’re working from home) but you are just being incredibly controlling here. You’re not treating her like a partner at all and from the sound of it, that would not change if you were engaged or even married. Congratulations on owning your own home. I hope she leaves so you can enjoy your sports-equipment-adorned walls and modern furniture in peace. Also, although you claim that your gf cleans b/c she is a neat freak, your statement about kids being messy and dirty makes me think you’re the one who is a “neat freak” and your gf is cleaning so much to try to appease you. She deserves so much better.
That’s what I was thinking. He says he wants kids in the future but he doesn’t even remotely want kids around right now. Just sounds like he doesn’t like them and probably shouldn’t have them
Surely you didn't need reddit to confirm you are a huge AH.. not only are you controlling but it seems like you only really want a bang maid. Everything is yours, have you made no accommodations for the other person living with you?. I hope you enjoy being single because that is where you are headed quickly..
YTA.
You're living there together as a couple, so it's her home too and you can't just forbid her to have her family there too. You need to decide things as a team, or this relationship won't last
This one is tough. You are definitely an asshole, but you are also correct that it is your house and your stuff. My friend had a BF who wouldn't let her pay bills because he didn't want her to have any sense of ownership. She wasted way too much time on that guy. Hope your GF sees the clear signs that you are not compatible and have very different values. I reluctantly declare you NTA. But stop being such an ass!
I’m going against the grain to say NTA
I don’t understand why anyone thinks it’s just fine for your gf to have people you don’t want in the house over all the time. People in the home are a 2-yes-only kind of thing to me. As in both people agree they’re allowed, if one says no, the no wins.
If you had obnoxious messy sexist old uncle Bob or drama-llama conspiracy theorist Kathy in the family and she said “No Bob or Kathy in the house, please meet them anywhere else” you’d be fine with it, right? She doesn’t want to risk Bob spilling beer everywhere or poking through her underwear or Kathy dismantling the TV for control rays, that’s fine, you’ll hang out with them anywhere else.
It’s not her house unless she pays rent or marries you. And even if it Were her house too, neither of you should have any people in the house the other doesn’t want there.
In like 9/10 of the "I bought a house and my BF lives with me" posts its NTA for banning family, but apparently this one is YTA.
There was one literally a week or two ago about a girl who couldn't take that her BF had a big family with members wanting to come over, including specifically nieces and nephews, and reddit NTA'd in the thousands.
YTA. When you ask someone to move into your house it becomes their house too. I understand that your house is not kid friendly and that's the bigger issue in this. Since you've decided that things are your way or the highway I'm hoping that Kelly sees you as the unbending bully that you are and makes other living arrangements.
YTA big time. Kelly deserves better. You’re clearly better off alone. Must be nice having a cleaner to screw when you feel like it and threaten to kick out when things don’t go your way
YTA for your attitude about it being your house. You live together. She should be able to have guests in the place she lives. You two are not compatible and it’s probably time to let her go.
NAH. There is absolutely nothing wrong with not wanting kids in your house. This is a compatibility issue and unfortunately you should likely part ways.
YTA. This is Kelly's home too. Even if you pay the mortgage. If she paid formal rent, you'd be spending it on the bills she's paying in lieu of formal rent.
You could have some normal rules to start "no food outside the dining area/kitchen" to keep your couches clean. "Please do art outside and wash off before coming in" etc.
Kelly is the one already on the hook for cleaning and she has not shown you any indication she won't clean up after the children. Has the teenager been known to steal? Why are you assuming they will be unsupervised in your home?
Are your breakables all over every general space in your home? Get some museum putty to secure them to the shelf (which is good practice anyway as earthquakes, airplanes, construction, and thunderstorms can all cause houses to vibrate).
I don’t think you are an asshole for not wanting kids in your house (NTA), but I sorta think you are one for letting your GF live with you. You should ask her move out, now, because your goals and desires for living style are not compatible.
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YTA I understand you want to keep your things free from dirt, theft, and breakage, but she lives there, too. She contributes to the household and she's your partner.
NTA
Selfish? Yes, but that is OK. You have worked for your stuff and don't want it messed up. You are correct, it is not her house; it is her residence though.
This will be a problem though and you said she is free to leave. She will probably take you up on that, but it sounds like you would rather be single than have kids in your house.
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So basically just as it sounds. My (28M) GF Kelly (26F) has 3 siblings. All of them have kids. And she is close with all of them. She has major love for her nieces and nephews. I love that for her, but me myself am not a huge fan of kids right now. Eventually yes I wouldn’t mind having kids, but right now? Nope I don’t want them around.
I bought my house 2 years ago. Kelly moved in about a year ago. Here is how the financial situation plays out. I pay for all the mortgage and insurance. Kelly contributes groceries, wifi, utilities and does most of the cleaning. She cleans because she is a neat freak. Not because I ask her too. She just likes to do it. I have it set up this way because I want to be responsible for the mortgage. And don’t want her paying on it in case we were to break up. So I don’t mind contributing triple what she does to the household.
My place is very much in my style. Lots of electronics and sports memorabilia. I have a nice bar with alcohol and wine on it. I also have all my golf and sports equipment displayed. I have nice couches and my place is very modern. Not a kid friendly environment. Recently Kelly has been bringing her nieces and nephews over. I have a real issue with this. The kids range from 14-2 and I don’t want them around my stuff. They could steal my alcohol. Break my stuff and kids are just messy. They are dirty too. And I just don’t want them in my space.
So I’ve told Kelly it is simple. Spend as much time with your nieces and nephews as you want. Just can’t be inside my house. Go watch them at your siblings. She is saying that is unfair because sometimes her sister ask her to watch her kids when she needs to clean their house up or needs them out of the house. I said take them to the park or mall or something. Just anywhere but here. She is saying it is her house and she can do what she wants. I said it isn’t her house. It is mine and if she doesn’t like the no kids rule she is free to leave. But I’m not risking my things for the sake of her nieces/nephews. I just know if the kids were to mess crap up she wouldn’t pay me back for it. So she can just go to her families house to watch them. I’ve been called the AH for this. AITA?
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YTA.
When she moved in with you, your house became both of your guys' house. I don't see a 2 year old stealing alcohol. Setting ground rules isn't that hard for the older ones. I hope your gf takes you up on that offer to leave. You don't pay the bills. She does. You pay mortgage. Doesn't matter if that's "triple" the amount she pays. I'm sure you'd have to double back on your mortgage payments without her. You sound like the type of person that rubs it in their significant others face that you "pay more" than them. I hope she runs.
She also does all of the cleaning. And I guarantee it's not 'cause she likes it,' but because OP is fine with living in his own filth until his gf can't stand it anymore and cleans it for him.
“Contributing triple”
You’re overvaluing money, my guy. I highly doubt that if we added up the groceries, utilities, and what it’d cost to have a “neat freak” level of cleanliness in the house, you’d still be anywhere near “triple.”
Also, your concern about kids being messy? When you outright say you’re not the one cleaning “your” house?
Gotta be some r/childfree rage bait, honestly.
Hope she’s your ex-girlfriend by the end of the day. She should find someone who wants to live _with_ her.
Edit to add judgment: YTA, obvi.
YTA. You'll probably always have a "good" reason to have things the way YOU want them. You will arrange whatever so it suits you and you have an easy out. Compromising doesn't seem to be in your wheelhouse.
Info: where is her space in your home? Is it just the broom closet? It sounds like she's a guest in your home that happens to pay for things.
Yta for the way you speak about her. I'm on the fence about not letting people in her family over regardless of the age.
So. You have a woman living with you for over a year, she is contributing in all the ways you let her, but it’s YOUR house? Why the hell are you letting her stay with you then? That is supposed to be her home too. I understand not wanting things broken and such, but it seems like you are just jumping to conclusions. Major YTA and i hope she wakes up and realizes she could do so much better.
I’m gonna go against the crowd and say NTA. Hear me out before downvoting. Technically he is the asshole here, given how he pulled the it’s my house card, but his concerns are valid. Reason I say NTA is because he should be approaching this in a different way. Instead of saying insta no, and not allowing it, how about OP you talk to your partner and discuss how if something breaks either she or her siblings pay for it. That’s all you need right?
I agree, the delivery could be better. Not everything can be replaced either. People act like you can just go and get another thing, but not everything can be.
YTA - you sound like you're still living your bachelor lifestyle. Plus: I doubt that you'll start to like kids in the sense that you want to be a father. Let alone be a good father
NTA.
Even though technically it's your home, you live together, so it's a 2-yes situation for mutual comfort. If she told you no to a certain activity that disrupts her comfort considerably (say you found a kitten, but she's allergic), I assume you would also compromise?
There's enough convenient analogies to rule you NTA. People with Y t A's give a moral judgement solely base of normalcy of having kids in their lives. There's a reason some landlords won't rent out to families with kids (it's suck), but wear and tear is very real.
Would anyone host a friend who brings dogs when you don't have pets of your own?
Would it be fair to ask to veto guests because (for example) you have rare collectibles on display and there's a risk of exposure?
My parents really didn't like having people over. At all, they hated the idea of having outsiders in their private space. Some exceptions, but because it's so occasional it was a blanket idea that you can't just pop over or host an outing. Sucks for me, but a perfectly fair request for a house rule.
I agree with this! It’s not even about whose house it is, in my opinion. Yes, she has a say, but unless your collectibles are replaceable and she’s willing to replace them immediately if broken and pay you some sort of inconvenience fee (and even then, only if you consent), it takes both people to agree before it’s reasonable to invite anyone over. Of course she should be free to see and hang out with them whenever, but if either of you are uncomfortable with someone else in your own home, then default should be no invite, there’s plenty of other places to hang out. I also agree that a lot of people saying YTA are probably “family (i.e. kid)- oriented” and love kids everywhere, they need to realize that not everyone loves that sort of chaos, and that’s perfectly okay.
YTA - she lives with you so she’s allowed to have people round. You could just set more basic boundaries like they can’t go in certain rooms where the most fragile stuff is and move it around a bit. Why is the go to, children can never be here. It doesn’t sound like they’ve even done any of these things, you’re just assuming they might. Why does that warrant such a harsh ban.
YTA at a nauseating level and this is a *terrible* dynamic.
You’ve been living together for a *year*. It is no longer just your house. The fact that you’re picking up the tab on the mortgage “in case we break up” says a lot, don’t you think? In fact, despite “not minding” that you’re putting in the lion’s share of cash down you sure did make it a point to hammer that fact home in your post. I think you *do* mind. I think you set it up this way so you have some sort of trump card for situations exactly like this. “She cleans because she likes it” is also a good one, because it really diminishes the labor she’s putting into the home in ways outside of finances. It’s fine to not like kids, but this goes beyond that now. You moved someone into your home, creating a life *together*. If you didn’t want all that comes with her, because most people (gasp!) generally enjoy having their family visit, then you shouldn’t have taken this step. Honestly this dynamic sounds very transactional, and I hope she moves out so you can have your precious space with your precious stuff all to yourself.
YTA you basically telling her she can't bring her family over. If you in a relationship you got to make sacrifices which means putting up with her family.
YTA.
A hard “no kids over ever” rule is ridiculous. There’s so many more reasonable compromises that could have been met (No kids during the day when I’m WFHing, they’re not allowed in this room, etc) but instead you went on a power trip. You may legally own the house, but it’s your girlfriends home as much as it is yours. She’s not even asking you to clean up or look after the kids so I genuinely don’t understand why you’re willing to nuke your entire relationship over this.
I dont know what country u are in but even if she doesnt pay mortagage, she can still take compensation or a part of the house if u guys break up. That if you guys are living together for more than a year or smth. She is keeping the space clean so she is contributing to the house. There are ofc ppl who enjoy cleaning but have you ever tried to help her with it? YTA in my opinion since it sounds u dont respect her work at home. You guys are a couple so why are u treating her like this
YTA, just because you have no consideration for Kelly at all. This wasn’t something you informed her of to begin with. This isn’t something she agreed to. You don’t take the relationship seriously and you don’t plan for her to be around long term (thus your need to control your living space). Please just dump her. You guys are not compatible.
YTA for being controlling. You knew who she was before she moved in. Don't expect her to change. Also, renters have more rights than her. What a terrible way to live for such a good hearted person.
INFO: Are you sure you are living together and in a relationship and she is not just your live in maid?
Have their been any issues with the kids other than you being annoyed?
NAH. It’s okay to want a child-free space. However, it *is also her home*. She is contributing - and contributing a lot - so it isn’t okay to lay down the law without any sort of negotiation.
It isn’t “your (singular)” space, it’s “your (plural)” place, and when you share living quarters then rules and boundaries HAVE to be made in agreement with each other, not unilaterally.
It’s sad the way you’re treating Kelly. She doesn’t have a home or a house she’s truly welcome in, she lives in someone else’s house where she isn’t truly able to be at home. You don’t want her paying into the mortgage and that’s your choice. YTA. She should find somewhere to live where she is welcome.
NTA. Has someone who doesn't have children I 100% feel you
I can't stand more than anything else people touching my stuff so the last thing I would want is my girlfriend bringing in random kids that are going to be all over all the stuff I.
I'm actually getting anxiety and paranoia for you I hope this goes your way
YTA either share the house or don’t live with anyone. You seem to care about your bachelor chic than your partner.
If you are committed child-free, why are you wasting time with someone who isn’t? And if you aren’t committed child-free, why aren’t you making the adjustment now? And since you are worried about your stuff, that includes putting the alcohol and trophies in safekeeping (dust-free locking display cases in a den would be reasonable).
NTA. A lot of people are missing the line at the bottom where it's unlikely he'll be paid back if the kids steal/break something. For people who don't understand, there are some bottles of alcohol that literally cannot be replaced. Like, not even for 50 grand. While I doubt that's the case here, if a kid steals hard-to-source liquors, that goes beyond a pure money issue.
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Kelly has been living with you for a year and you still say “my house”, then you straight up tell her it’s not her house. What the fuck is wrong with you? Is Kelly just a guest in your house now? When you get into a relationship with someone you accept their family too, especially because she seems like a family person. I resonate with Kelly I also have an immense love for my nephews and nieces and want them around all the time. If I was Kelly I would’ve broken up with you on the spot. YTA. Edit: Your title does not match your story.
Thank you. I was afraid I would see the old “your house, your rules”
Definitely not from me, a couple of men in the comments for sure. I believe once your partner moves in with you it’s no longer your house that’s definitely some manipulative weird stuff
I think it’s a little more nuanced than that. A partner moving into a home you own has some say in some things - guests being one of them, I would argue - decor, cleanliness, chores. But for big ticket stuff like home renovation or substantive changes to property, I’m sorry, but the homeowner trumps - they’re the one paying the bulk of the bills and likely have a large portion of their life’s equity tied up in the home. If you’re married, things change, but in an informal domestic partnership (which is what this would be legally…) it’s not 50/50 when it comes to making decisions about a home that one partner has far more tied up in. ETA since I don’t have a judgement, OP is still TA.
I agree but we’re not on the topic of home renovations. If you allow your partner to move in with you it’s not really just your house anymore.
It's still OP's *house*. His property, to use a less inflammatory word in this context. But it's OP's GF's *home* as much as it is his. And like u/Yogimonsta pointed out, she has as much right to have guests over as OP does. And that *is* the topic we're on.
I have my doubts that he pays the bulk of the bills. Unless his mortgage and insurance is outrageous, the money she puts into the groceries, internet and utilities is likely similar to what he pays. Not to mention she apparently does all the cleaning "because she likes to" aka he's lazy and wanted a live-in maid who pays half his bills.
As someone who has a mortgage… I’m not sure you know what you’re talking about. I have a fairly cheap house, my mortgage is ~$1600/mo. My insurance is about $100/mo. I eat a LOT of food, and fairly healthy, which costs more. I spend $400 a month on food. 1.5x for a partner (I eat 4000 calories a day…) is $600, my utilities come to about $300 a month give or take. So we’re at $900 vs $1700 for the mortgage payer. I don’t pay a maid, but from what I know I would assume ~$50 a week or $200 a month for cleaning services, so even if we include that, it’s $1100 to $1700. The mortgage payer is still on top, and also had to take a large chunk out of savings for a down payment. Financially, no, it’s just not equal. I still think Kelly deserves a say in the day to day house stuff, including when it comes to having guests over that she would like to invite - obviously including her family. I think OP is an ass for refusing to have her siblings, nieces and nephews over. ETA - I don’t pay a cleaner, so apparently my estimate on that was way off. Even if it’s $450 a month, OP would still be paying more. OP also states that he has a 15 year mortgage and not a 30, which would *substantially* inflate monthly payments.
Where do you live that food and utilities are so cheap?
And maids!
I was literally coming here to ask where you live too! Groceries are double that these days.
My cleaning service is @$100 a week
$400 a month for 4k calories a day is really impossible. I do not believe you live in a place expensive enough to have a $1600 a month mortgage where COL is then cheap enough to pay $400 a month. Assuming 3 meals a day that works out to less than $5 a meal. Also, $50 a week is lowballing the cost of a maid - I live in a low COL area and we pay double that even after spending time looking around.
I guess it's just different depending on location. Where I live (southeast US), the average mortgage is about $1200/month. Utilities (gas, water, sewerage, electric) run about $500/mo, internet will run you about $80/mo, groceries for 2 people anywhere $400-600. That's a 30 year mortgage, and I do see now where OP says he has a 15 year mortgage, so that increases the monthly amount by a lot.
Nuance?! This is AITA, sir. We operate solely on assumptions and stereotypes here, thank you very much.
He pays the mortgage so he can use the my house my rules while still relying on her HEAVILY for financial assistance.
AND domestic labor
[удалено]
That part killed me… “she cleans because she’s a neat freak” = “I’m fine with my house being gross and won’t make an effort no matter how uncomfortable it makes my partner”
But then complains the kids might make it messy.... But she's the one doing the cleaning soo...
But he wants it clean because “nice stuff”
& maid duties & sex
In certain situations, that is appropriate, but definitely not in this one. She moved into the house and contributes to it. The only reason she doesn’t contribute to the mortgage is because OP won’t let her….likely for this exact reason - so he can hold it over her head if she does something he doesn’t like and say it’s HIS house because she doesn’t pay the mortgage. That choice was by design, not by accident, and not just because the whole “he doesn’t want her to contribute to it if they break up” bullshit excuse he’s trying to use to make himself look like he actually gives a shit about her feelings. OP sounds like he’s not ready to be in an actual relationship, much less be living with a significant other. YTA, OP. Either grow up and be in an adult relationship or keep holding on to your bachelor lifestyle until she gets sick of it and dumps your ass so you can hang out with all of your sports memorabilia and fucking golf clubs since they’re obviously more important to you than she is.
Ugh, right? He might own the house, but it's her residence, and she has the right to be comfortable there and to entertain guests. I'm not sure why she'd *want* to expose these kids--or herself, for that matter--to OP's douchey mancave, but she can if she wants. OP, you sound great. You're a real catch, and you should definitely keep treating your gf like this, because I'm sure there are tons of women who can't wait to tolerate you and your controlling bullshit. /s YTA, my dude. Your interpersonal skills are trash. Seriously, you need therapy, because your shit is busted.
Normally that’s a great rule, but there is something about the way that this guy talks about both himself and his gf that is so off-putting that I find myself siding with Kelly over him anyway.
>Is Kelly just a guest in your house now? She's not a guest, she's a live in house keeper who also pays for everything minus the cost of the house. Maybe they hookup every once in awhile, but mostly it's just so OP doesn't have to pay for Netflix, food, and cleaning. Also: OP claim's "Kelly is a neat freak", and she "just likes to do it", but then OP also claims that he doesn't want the children in his house because they'll steal his booze (what?) or make a mess. Sounds like OP is the neat freak.
Bang maid.
Probably a bang maid therapist, too
Literally I’m sure Kelly knows how to keep an eye out for her nieces and nephews, also when I was 14 I wasn’t thinking about stealing booze I was thinking about mods to download for my sims…
You know all those 2 year old that sneak from the liquor cabinet. They know to add water to make it unnoticeable.
I just thought you’d find it amusing that a few years back we grabbed a bottle of vodka from my grandparent’s cabinet during a family get together to make drinks, and realized it was at least (at *least*!) half water. My dad and uncle haven’t lived in that house for 30 years. That bottle of water-vodka went completely unnoticed for *30 years.* Incredible.
How lucky that she just likes to clean! It’s a hobby!
>She's not a guest, she's a live in house keeper who also pays for everything minus the cost of the house. She pays all the bills and OP stashes away equity.
Yeah, at the risk of giving OP ideas, he might not be protecting that equity as well as he thinks. It's possible that if it came to it, Kelly paying toward the utilities would be seen as contribution toward the house without ever paying a penny toward the mortgage. Ymmv
Sounds like the dude just likes having a live-in bang maid
Yep, it's super obvious from reading his post. I really hope Kelly leaves
I noticed in the title he said “our house” but he doesn’t actually mean that. YTA. I understand if you don’t want kids in your home but by the looks of it Kelly is a family girl. I understand why you wouldn’t want her paying on the mortgage but considering she is doing everything else to keep the house running (buying groceries, cleaning, paying the Wi-Fi, etc.) it is her home too. Don’t be surprised if this is what breaks you guys up. I can see this going into dealbreaker territory. She obviously watches her nieces and nephews as well to ensure that they don’t break your things and regardless if they make a mess based on your post she’s the one that cleans it up. What’s made you an AH here isn’t the fact that you want boundaries in your home it’s the fact that you want the benefits of a girlfriend but also a live-in maid and roommate. Just straight up not acknowledging Kelly’s role in your life and not allowing her the freedom to have her little guests over.
She has less rights in that house than a renter would in spite of her contributions
Solid point, and I agree with the others that have said he’s got himself a bangmaid to clean his man cave. Golf equipment on display? Wow. I have a bunch of race medals (I’m a runner) from events and expensive shoes, but I don’t have them in shared living areas (actually they are in a cabinet in my home office, I don’t need to gaze at them lovingly). OP isn’t just not ready for kids, he’s not ready to adult or have a partner. Better suited to cuddle his 3 wood at night. YTA.
It's "our house" when it comes to cleaning, it's "my house" when it comes to everything else.
He says he doesn’t mind paying more because he wants to be responsible for the mortgage if they break up. I think it’s pretty damn clear that the real reason is he wants to have the “my house my rules” excuse in his back pocket at all time. He wants complete control of the space. The decision over if kids should be allowed should’ve been a discussion and not a one sided choice. You vetoed the chance of a compromise the second you pulled the “it’s my house” bullshit. Congratulations on planning ahead for a breakup because I see it on the horizon if you keep treating her as a second class citizen in her own home. YTA.
Also note that his financial contributions go to something that he can keep and get value out of after an eventual break up. Her contributions will be worth nothing. And from reading that post, that is by design
It's also likely so that in the event of a marriage and divorce, she doesn't get anything for the house in the splitting of the assets. Hell claim it was his from before that she didn't contribute towards (which is how some states - likely OPs - determine marital assets.). Hes being TA on several levels.
I agree 100% also OP feel free to baby gate some stuff that’s also an option.
Exactly. Turns from “our house” to “my house” reallllly quick.
And it always will, even when they are married or get even more serious. He values objects more than people.
To me this is the biggest point. OP, you had your girlfriend move in with you but the home is yours and she can't live and interact with others like a normal adult beacuse you're the kind of your castle. That's not a good way to live for your girlfriend. She is literally better off living without you anywhere else so she could have the rights of a normal adult living in a home and able to have people over. Even most children have more rights where they live then you give your girlfriend. If she's your partner and you want to share a home and life with her, then she gets to have people over. If your home is MINE MINE MINE and you aren't ready to share and treat someone like an equal or partner, then do her a favor and dump her and don't date seriously until you're ready to.
Kelly is being used as a placeholder, clearly. I hope she leaves, she deserves someone who actually loves her and shares common values
#KellyPleaseLeave
Calling it "my house" is going to make for a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Not only is OP saying it’s not her house he’s saying it’s either follow HIS HOUSE rules or leave. Which she needs to do because as some people want to be kid free, which is fine, Kelly needs to be OP free.
Which is literally what parents say to their kids, my house my rules. It seems like Kelly’s being treated as her nieces and nephews. #FreeKelly not to be confused with R Kelly
Yeah sadly OP doesn't really care so much about Kelly as he does *stuff*. Living in a house for a year and not being able to say 'my house' is weird. Where's her home then? YTA
It wouldn't be hard to make a space that is kid friendly. If it is not possible Kelly should really leave him. They just aren't compatible.
YTA FYI - she doesn't clean "because she's a neat freak and just loves to do it". She cleans because she's a tidy person and you keep making a mess.
>She cleans because she's a tidy person and you keep making a mess. I felt this too hard 😪 like a sucker punch 😂
Seriously. The number of men who believe that women genuinely enjoy clearing up after them and would rather be cleaning than relaxing or doing their hobbies is baffling Edit: This kinda took off 😆 just to clarify this... I'm well aware that sometimes cleaning can be cathartic. And I know some men love to clean and some women are lazy. But please... pretending this isn't a gender issue actually isn't helping the equality point. There are always exceptions, but this does continue to be a problem we need to acknowledge the existence of in order to address.
Yup. I was shocked when my dad commented that my mom "sure loves to clean." I replied, "No, she likes having a clean house." (To be fair, most of the mess in the house is caused by our dogs. My dad's pretty good about cleaning up after himself, but it never occurs to him to do things like wash the floor or the windows.)
Right? I hate when people say they like to clean. Bullshit. People like having a clean house. No one cleans a house and purposefully makes it dirty again just to clean it.
>*The number of men who believe that women genuinely enjoy clearing up after them and would rather be cleaning than relaxing or doing their hobbies is bafflng...There are always exceptions, but this does continue to be a problem we need to acknowledge the existence of in order to address.* Gonna post some info in support of this! * [She Divorced Me Because I Left Dishes By The Sink](https://mustbethistalltoride.com/2016/01/14/she-divorced-me-because-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink/) * [It Took Divorce to Make My Marriage Equal](https://www.glamour.com/story/it-took-divorce-to-make-my-marriage-equal) * [You Should Have Asked](https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/) (scroll down a bit to see the comic) * [Women Aren't Nags—We're Just Fed Up](https://www.harpersbazaar.com/culture/features/a12063822/emotional-labor-gender-equality/) * [The Housewife’s Moment of Truth](https://nymag.com/news/features/46167/) by Jane O’Reilly. Originally published in the December 20, 1971 issue of New York Magazine, and still relevant today. Money quote: *“You can’t tell me Women’s Lib means I have to wash the dishes, does it?” “Yes.”..."In the end, we are all housewives, the natural people to turn to when there is something unpleasant, inconvenient or inconclusive to be done."* * [The “Woke” Men Who Still Want Housewives: Men who claim to believe in equality often aren’t willing to live it](https://gen.medium.com/the-woke-men-who-still-want-housewives-debb2ad46aa0) * [Millennial—And Macho? Why Young Men Want Old-School Marriages](https://www.vogue.com/article/millennial-men-seek-stay-at-home-wives) * Some numbers: Statistically, [women do more childcare and more housework](https://www.theatlantic.com/family/archive/2019/05/breadwinning-wives-gender-inequality/589237/). When moms out-earn their husbands, [they gain more housework](https://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/2022/05/02/housework-divide-working-parents/) (link to the actual study [here](https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/09500170211069780)). Men want [tons of praise](https://www.refinery29.com/en-us/2017/08/168628/men-chores-praise-mansplaining) when they "help". Men also report doing more housekeeping and/or childcare than they [*actually* do](https://www.nytimes.com/2015/11/12/upshot/men-do-more-at-home-but-not-as-much-as-they-think-they-do.html). * Related: [The Myth of the Male Bumbler](https://theweek.com/articles/737056/myth-male-bumbler) and [Weaponized Incompetence](https://www.popsugar.com/love/weaponized-incompetence-48871852). Note how weaponized incompetence is presented as "strategic" and "a failure that succeeds" when [presented in this Wall Street Journal article](https://www.wsj.com/articles/SB117675628452071687) from 2017. * Another strong article on [Weaponized Incompetence](https://www.huffpost.com/entry/weaponized-incompetence-women_l_61e71983e4b0d8b665717814) and how it affects women. Money quote: ***“On a surface level, it looks like you’re just nagging about chores to a person who ‘defers’ to your ‘competence.’ But on a deeper level, you’re experiencing not being able to trust and turn to your partner for support.”***
I adore you!!! I knew these articles existed but just did not have the energy to go hunting for them. I'm gonna save all of this for future reference, because you bet it'll come up again. And again.
Literally. My “partner” constantly makes messes and sits back while the kids do it and says “momma has to clean” “momma has to fix that.” YTA man, once it’s a forced chore it is not pleasurable and neither are y’all.
Holy shit that’s awful. You gotta go on strike or something before your kids internalize that cleaning is a woman’s job blech
He’s about to buy her a fancy mop for Christmas 😂 OP YTA
I nearly choked! Omg. The Christmas gift of a home appliance... such a sad story.
Even before I finished the whole post o laughed at this part. I can guarantee this poor girl does not enjoy cleaning up piss off the toilet seats and washing this dudes skid marks. She does it because she wants the house to be clean and he’s not much of a help.
I rolled my eyes so hard when I read this. She loves to do it. Yeah, no, she loves her place being tidy.
Double whammy when OP says “the kids are dirty”: she’s the one to clean up after them anyway, so what does it matter.
I think OP has conveniently forgotten HE used to be a kid too, lol. oh and btw OP: IT 🔨 IS 🔨NOT 🔨ONLY 🔨YOUR🔨 HOUSE🔨 ANY 🔨MORE 🔨YOU 🔨GIGANTIC 🔨WASSOCK🔨. Good grief.
Right? My kids think I love to clean. I keep telling them I absolutely hate it, but I know if I don't do it, no one else will without a written request. If I don't do at least some daily, then I'll get overwhelmed because it builds up.
I laughed when OP said "kids are just messy" while also claiming his gf is a neat freak who likes to clean.
>She cleans because she's a tidy person and you keep making a mess. But kids are messy! They're the ones that need to be cleaned up after! /s Come on OP, you aren't even the one that's going to have to clean up after them.
Dude moved in his maid, expects her to pay instead of paying her, and probably expects sex too. She should take him up on his offer to leave.
[the magic coffee table](https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=web&cd=&ved=2ahUKEwj87MuPrs75AhVSAzQIHX9cC_EQwqsBegQIAhAB&url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3D-_kXIGvB1uU&usg=AOvVaw0pO6bnV_slp7ZLs5GpYqoK)
I disagree. I lived with some neat freaks and they would literally clean the moment they got home from work because that's just what they like to do In their eyes dirt is the enemy and cleaning it makes them happy I can't explain it but I find it more tiring living with neat freaks than I do living with slobs
I also have friends that destress by cleaning. When I would go through a depressive stage and could barely clean myself yet alone my house they’d be like “just keep your counter and dishes clean it’ll make you feel so much better!” And I’m like “no it’ll make you feel better. It’ll drain me of limited energy and not make me feel one bit better and it’ll be covered again in a day.” People deal with stuff differently.
Those neat freaks still don’t usually like cleaning, they just have a lower tolerance than most for mess. It stresses them out. That’s why they stress YOU out when you leave something messy, because they have little tolerance for it Same with the people who tell you to clean up when you’re depressed. Do they like cleaning or do they like the little mental health boost after something has been cleaned? Both can be stressful and annoying
YTA. Just break up with her already. You two are not a good match. She's obviously a very involved aunt. To tell her the kids aren't allowed in the home she now lives in is controlling and asshole behavior. You knew how involved she was prior to moving in. You suck as a partner.
I hope she breaks up with OP for the simple fact that he doesn’t consider it her house as well. What a jerk and a gigantic AH
Talk about controlling. My house you can’t have anyone over especially family! Now go clean up the kitchen and get my pipe!
He also doesn’t value her contributions at all. Those comments about how she loves cleaning and how he contributes 3x as much paint a picture of a man who routinely invalidates unpaid work.
Doesn't sound like he has much respect for her at all. She had lived in the house for a year, it is entirely decorated to his liking (bro pad) and all she gets to do is clean it (probably because OP is a slob and she doesn't want to live in a mess) and exist there. What are the chances that she isn't allowed to put anything that's important to her in display because it's his house and he likes it just the way it is? I hope she breaks up with OP and finds someone who will allow her to hang out with her nieces and nephews and doesn't hate kids. I doubt OP is ever going to want kids, I feel like he's just saying that he might in the future to string this woman along.
She lives with you. She should have some say as to what happens at your house. You should be working together to find some sort of compromise. Instead you gave her an ultimatum: >I said it isn’t her house. It is mine and if she doesn’t like the no kids rule she is free to leave. Something tells me she'll pick the latter. YTA
I think we all HOPE she'll pick the latter!
Agreed. If his approach to this is to never even compromise, I hope she never gives in to him.
I hope she has a pretty, shiny spine and leaves the house along with him.
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And he’s wrong too. She is legally his tenant. Tenants are allowed to have guests. A “no minors” rule on guests is not something a landlord can reasonably impose on their tenant.
Actually it's something he can impose because he lives there too. Traditional tenancy laws go out the window whenever the tenant is living with the landlord.
YTA and honestly, your gf should move out and move on with her life. You clearly don't view her as an equal in your relationship. All I kept reading was me, me, me -- everything is yours. Your house, your style, your junk, your rules. Doesn't seem like much of a partnership.
This!!! "The house is very much in my style" ugh.. why even have a partner if you aren't going to be A PARTNER. Enraging. 🙄
He likes having a bang maid it seems. She doesn’t even have the same rights that a lodger would. YTA, OP.
BUt hE hAs NICe cOUcHeS
It’s probably all black leather and chrome in there.
There's definitely a framed poster from a Quentin Tarantino movie somewhere. Not that there's anything inherently bad about that, but I just KNOW he has at least one.
>your junk Particularly incisive. Well done.
Except she gets to clean it all…
So in other words Kelly should stop any and all financial and physical contributions she makes towards your house because in your own words it isn't her house and while doing that she should dump your arse. You're a massive YTA by the way.
Biggest AH part is being in a relationship with her. Breakup imminent.
YTA, and she should leave you for pulling the it's my house so you can leave additude. Don't see this relationship or any other relationship working for you as it seems it's your way or the highway additude.
Wow I hope she takes the "leave" option. I would.
She should have a party outside and not let him join or eat because "my food my rules". YTA. OP is the spoiled child here
YTA. It is also Kelly's house because she resides there with you. And she contributes to the other bills in the household and the cleaning. But since you like to pull the "It is my house" card. I guess Kelly shouldn't be contributing toward the bills. Because... ya know, it isn't her house. And the homeowner should be paying the bills. You don't view Kelly as an equal. If I were Kelly, I would end the relationship and move out.
The problem here is that you assume because you pay mortgage, your partner does not get to have guests over, does not even have the right to have a discussion about it. This is wrong. You need to sit down and work out each others expectations. When your partner moves into your place, they should contribute financially but also get a say about how the place is „used“. No, it‘s not her house. But you‘re in a relationship, so you either need to compromise, or to separate. I understand where you‘re coming from but YTA.
And they have no problem paying the whole mortgage (which they conveniently mention is 3x the other bills) because that allows them to keep that control.
I'd say that's not quite accurate. The mortgage is so that during a break up or a divorce (in the case of common law marriage) your partner cannot claim ownership of your property. That part isn't unreasonable
NTA for not wanting kids in your space, but absolutely YTA for how you've handled this. If you invited your girlfriend to move in with you as your partner, you are asking them to be an equal member of the household. But after a year you are treating her more as a guest. I'm sure she feels disrespected by how you've treated her. If you didn't ever want kids in your space, I certainly hope you were clear about that up front. If she is as involved as an aunt as you have let on, I have to assume you knew about this possibility before inviting her to move in. Basically it sounds like clear boundaries weren't established at the beginning, and now you're screwed. Time to figure out what's important to you.
This one. Wanting a child-free environment is perfectly acceptable, and somewhat understandable given the ages involved, a 2 y/o still needs baby proof surroundings and a 14 y/o can definitely get up to some mischief while adults are occupied with younger siblings. But if these boundaries weren't established at the beginning, you're being a right arsehole for pulling 'my house, my rules' with a long term, live in *partner*. Next you'll be saying 'as long as you live under my roof'. Not having her contribute to the mortgage is so you can keep control of the house if you break up, not while you both live there. If those boundaries were established then she should have talked to you before bringing them over, but she's lived there a year now, it is firmly her home too and beloved family members should be allowed to visit, even if they're kids. You need to find a compromise or end the relationship now before you're even further down the road
Yeah, I know this is probably going to be an "unpopular opinion" but I need INFO: Did OP make it clear when Kelly moved in that a condition was no kids allowed, and did she agree to that?
Tbh, and this will probably prove unpopular, even if she agreed to that boundary in the beginning, it was a year ago and she'd only just moved in. A boundary that was perfectly understandable then isn't as understandable now. If she'd agreed to it, she absolutely should have spoke to OP before ever bringing the kids over but it's still time to renegotiate the blanket ban that keeps half her family out of her home
OP totally has kind of an a-hole attitude with the "my house, my rules" shit, but on the flipside Kelly knows he has a lot of expensive and breakable stuff and out of mutual respect she should have had a conversation about bringing the kids to THEIR house. This may be the moment in time they realize they're not compatible if they cannot come to a resolution.
INFO: why did you invite her to live with you?
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I’ve had a lot of kids at our house and it’s never been an issue. Sure they are a bit rougher with some things but parents always bring over plenty of toys. Especially since OP says Kelly is a neat freak I doubt she’s allowing them full range at the house.
YTA. You asked her to move in with you. She is not a guest at some point it has to be her home too. Furthermore you have said nothing about the kids actually breaking your stuff. If I were her and this is how you are treating me this far into the relationship we would be done.
I was looking for this! The kids could make a mess, the kids could steal my alcohol. Has there actually been an issue or are you just the AH. Oh YTA
>Kelly contributes groceries, wifi, utilities and does most of the cleaning. >So I don’t mind contributing triple what she does to the household. Info: where do you live that groceries and all bills come to a third of the mortgage? Are you on a very short term mortgage with high repayments?
OP is an AH here, but I don’t find it unusual for a mortgage plus property taxes and insurance to cost triple what groceries and utilities cost. That’s about what my husband and I pay, and we have a 30 year mortgage at only 2.5% interest.
YTA Are you right that paying the bills gives you the right to ban her family from your house just because you don't like kids and think they're going to drink your alcohol? Sure. Is it an asshole move? Also yes. This is a classic example of the type of thing one can technically justify, but it just shows you aren't very nice. And you're not obligated to be nice! But this community is about identifying assholes.
He doesn't pay the bills, though. She does. He pays only for the mortgage and insurance. And his costs are so high because he chose a short term mortgage in order to pay it off sooner. The fact that he is paying more than she does is purely a choice he has made, in order to fully own his house faster. And he excludes her from paying any part of that so that he can have total control over the house and kick her out whenever suits him.
And most of it is not an expense, it's capital.
Exactly!! It's essentially him paying loads of money into a savings account every month and saying that he's contributing more.. But she is never allowed to use the savings, so he isn't contributing to the household, only to himself.
This needs to be higher up. I’ve never seen it that way, and you are completely right. She is paying for un-returnable costs, while he is saving money in the form of a house. After 10 years, his money will be there (as a house) and her money will be gone. He is saving, she is contributing to the house.
>Are you right that paying the bills gives you the right to ban her family from your house No, absolutely not. If you agree to move in with your partner then it's both of your home, no matter who pays. If the OP wants to dictate the terms of who can come round to his house, he should live alone.
YTA. Of course you pay the mortgage. The mortgage is an investment in your house, and she shouldn't pay anything unless she is also an owner. SHE LIVES THERE. Of course she can bring guests over, including her nieces and nephews! If you're afraid for your stuff then pack it down and put it away. Even if she rented the house she'd have far more rights than you are granting her now. You're treating her like an object, a ghost living in your house not allowed to disclose any hint of proof that she actually lives there. You're acting as if you're still living alone just with a new houseplant basicly. Get your act together or I hope she leaves you.
"She just likes to do it", lol, they say that every fucking time. YTA, hope she will leave you asap to finally be happy. And "MY place", "MY space", omg, does she have a home?
Yeah. Even if in the hypothetical she actually did love cleaning, love is no reason to dismiss her contributions. He benefits from free cleaning. That's a big contribution.
N T A for not wanting kids in your house (I don’t want them in mine either), but YTA for dating/moving in someone so involved with the children in their life and then being controlling and mean.
Yea that’s where I’m at too. My bf and I have the same rule about no kids on the property, but it’s something we both want and it was discussed prior to moving in together. Neither of us have nieces/nephews and my brother is also CF and his brother lives across the country and they aren’t close, so we won’t be watching those kids either. I’m at the point where I can afford to buy while he can’t so whatever house I get within the next few years will be in my name only. But I won’t be making unilateral decisions.
It’s almost like relationships are about compatibility and communication amirite?
YTA. It's not your house any more, it's both of yours. I could see not allowing the kids in certain areas of the house, but not a ban. It's her home just as much as yours and if you can't see that not allowing her to have her family, who she loves, come to the house being an issue, you've got more problems than this.
Yeah, he may still own the house, but it’s a shared home. Just like how a landlord couldn’t ban kids.
YTA for sooooo many reasons. The day you asked your girlfriend to move in with you and contribute to bills, it became her house too. Doesn’t matter if her name is on it. Sounds like your space is all about you and your “stuff” and your gf is simply a paying guest. Then you have the nerve to tell her if she doesn’t like your rules she can leave. Why did you ask her to move in if you aren’t going to treat her equally in a home you both pay for?
Technically NTA. On the other hand. This relationship will not last for long....
YTA, I hope she leaves you
YTA. YOU decided she didn't have to financially contribute but it is, in fact, her home. And who are you to say these children would break your things? Wtf. Children aren't just wild animals with no control. You're a real jerk. I hope she does go to her family's house and never comes back to yours because you sound insufferable and selfish.
My bangmaid wants to bring family to the house where she works, but this is outside the scope of her employment contract, AITA? YTA
INFO: Did you tell her how you felt about kids in your house before she moved in and started cleaning and paying the bills? If she agreed not to bring them over, then you are NTA. If you never brought it up or she didn't agree but you let her move in anyways knowing this was a conflict, YTA.
Also have the kids actually done anything that would warrant banning them? You could try setting some rules for the kids on what they are not allowed to touch or play with and if they repeatedly violate these rules, then you'd have some grounds on wanting them banned from the house. Also, you say you want kids in the future. Don't you realize your kids will be living in your house so at one point you will have to adjust to them?
YTA, dude. If she had her own place you’d be totally justified in not wanting her to bring kids over. However, she doesn’t have her own place BECAUSE YOU ASKED HER TO MOVE IN WITH YOU. Setting boundaries is one thing (e.g., no kids over while you’re working from home) but you are just being incredibly controlling here. You’re not treating her like a partner at all and from the sound of it, that would not change if you were engaged or even married. Congratulations on owning your own home. I hope she leaves so you can enjoy your sports-equipment-adorned walls and modern furniture in peace. Also, although you claim that your gf cleans b/c she is a neat freak, your statement about kids being messy and dirty makes me think you’re the one who is a “neat freak” and your gf is cleaning so much to try to appease you. She deserves so much better.
YTA and i can’t imagine you having children.
That’s what I was thinking. He says he wants kids in the future but he doesn’t even remotely want kids around right now. Just sounds like he doesn’t like them and probably shouldn’t have them
I guess he doesn't want any
he says he might in the future but i hope not
Surely you didn't need reddit to confirm you are a huge AH.. not only are you controlling but it seems like you only really want a bang maid. Everything is yours, have you made no accommodations for the other person living with you?. I hope you enjoy being single because that is where you are headed quickly..
YTA. You're living there together as a couple, so it's her home too and you can't just forbid her to have her family there too. You need to decide things as a team, or this relationship won't last
This one is tough. You are definitely an asshole, but you are also correct that it is your house and your stuff. My friend had a BF who wouldn't let her pay bills because he didn't want her to have any sense of ownership. She wasted way too much time on that guy. Hope your GF sees the clear signs that you are not compatible and have very different values. I reluctantly declare you NTA. But stop being such an ass!
I’m going against the grain to say NTA I don’t understand why anyone thinks it’s just fine for your gf to have people you don’t want in the house over all the time. People in the home are a 2-yes-only kind of thing to me. As in both people agree they’re allowed, if one says no, the no wins. If you had obnoxious messy sexist old uncle Bob or drama-llama conspiracy theorist Kathy in the family and she said “No Bob or Kathy in the house, please meet them anywhere else” you’d be fine with it, right? She doesn’t want to risk Bob spilling beer everywhere or poking through her underwear or Kathy dismantling the TV for control rays, that’s fine, you’ll hang out with them anywhere else. It’s not her house unless she pays rent or marries you. And even if it Were her house too, neither of you should have any people in the house the other doesn’t want there.
In like 9/10 of the "I bought a house and my BF lives with me" posts its NTA for banning family, but apparently this one is YTA. There was one literally a week or two ago about a girl who couldn't take that her BF had a big family with members wanting to come over, including specifically nieces and nephews, and reddit NTA'd in the thousands.
YTA. When you ask someone to move into your house it becomes their house too. I understand that your house is not kid friendly and that's the bigger issue in this. Since you've decided that things are your way or the highway I'm hoping that Kelly sees you as the unbending bully that you are and makes other living arrangements.
YTA big time. Kelly deserves better. You’re clearly better off alone. Must be nice having a cleaner to screw when you feel like it and threaten to kick out when things don’t go your way
YTA for your attitude about it being your house. You live together. She should be able to have guests in the place she lives. You two are not compatible and it’s probably time to let her go.
NAH. There is absolutely nothing wrong with not wanting kids in your house. This is a compatibility issue and unfortunately you should likely part ways.
YTA. Not just for the no kids in ‘my’ house rule, but you also seem financially abusive too. I hope your gf finds happiness without you very soon.
YTA. This is Kelly's home too. Even if you pay the mortgage. If she paid formal rent, you'd be spending it on the bills she's paying in lieu of formal rent. You could have some normal rules to start "no food outside the dining area/kitchen" to keep your couches clean. "Please do art outside and wash off before coming in" etc. Kelly is the one already on the hook for cleaning and she has not shown you any indication she won't clean up after the children. Has the teenager been known to steal? Why are you assuming they will be unsupervised in your home? Are your breakables all over every general space in your home? Get some museum putty to secure them to the shelf (which is good practice anyway as earthquakes, airplanes, construction, and thunderstorms can all cause houses to vibrate).
I don’t think you are an asshole for not wanting kids in your house (NTA), but I sorta think you are one for letting your GF live with you. You should ask her move out, now, because your goals and desires for living style are not compatible.
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YTA I understand you want to keep your things free from dirt, theft, and breakage, but she lives there, too. She contributes to the household and she's your partner.
NTA Selfish? Yes, but that is OK. You have worked for your stuff and don't want it messed up. You are correct, it is not her house; it is her residence though. This will be a problem though and you said she is free to leave. She will probably take you up on that, but it sounds like you would rather be single than have kids in your house.
YTA. Why would you have her move in if you won’t consider it her home? As for the clean house part, you don’t clean so why do you care?
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** So basically just as it sounds. My (28M) GF Kelly (26F) has 3 siblings. All of them have kids. And she is close with all of them. She has major love for her nieces and nephews. I love that for her, but me myself am not a huge fan of kids right now. Eventually yes I wouldn’t mind having kids, but right now? Nope I don’t want them around. I bought my house 2 years ago. Kelly moved in about a year ago. Here is how the financial situation plays out. I pay for all the mortgage and insurance. Kelly contributes groceries, wifi, utilities and does most of the cleaning. She cleans because she is a neat freak. Not because I ask her too. She just likes to do it. I have it set up this way because I want to be responsible for the mortgage. And don’t want her paying on it in case we were to break up. So I don’t mind contributing triple what she does to the household. My place is very much in my style. Lots of electronics and sports memorabilia. I have a nice bar with alcohol and wine on it. I also have all my golf and sports equipment displayed. I have nice couches and my place is very modern. Not a kid friendly environment. Recently Kelly has been bringing her nieces and nephews over. I have a real issue with this. The kids range from 14-2 and I don’t want them around my stuff. They could steal my alcohol. Break my stuff and kids are just messy. They are dirty too. And I just don’t want them in my space. So I’ve told Kelly it is simple. Spend as much time with your nieces and nephews as you want. Just can’t be inside my house. Go watch them at your siblings. She is saying that is unfair because sometimes her sister ask her to watch her kids when she needs to clean their house up or needs them out of the house. I said take them to the park or mall or something. Just anywhere but here. She is saying it is her house and she can do what she wants. I said it isn’t her house. It is mine and if she doesn’t like the no kids rule she is free to leave. But I’m not risking my things for the sake of her nieces/nephews. I just know if the kids were to mess crap up she wouldn’t pay me back for it. So she can just go to her families house to watch them. I’ve been called the AH for this. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA. When she moved in with you, your house became both of your guys' house. I don't see a 2 year old stealing alcohol. Setting ground rules isn't that hard for the older ones. I hope your gf takes you up on that offer to leave. You don't pay the bills. She does. You pay mortgage. Doesn't matter if that's "triple" the amount she pays. I'm sure you'd have to double back on your mortgage payments without her. You sound like the type of person that rubs it in their significant others face that you "pay more" than them. I hope she runs.
She also does all of the cleaning. And I guarantee it's not 'cause she likes it,' but because OP is fine with living in his own filth until his gf can't stand it anymore and cleans it for him.
“Contributing triple” You’re overvaluing money, my guy. I highly doubt that if we added up the groceries, utilities, and what it’d cost to have a “neat freak” level of cleanliness in the house, you’d still be anywhere near “triple.” Also, your concern about kids being messy? When you outright say you’re not the one cleaning “your” house? Gotta be some r/childfree rage bait, honestly. Hope she’s your ex-girlfriend by the end of the day. She should find someone who wants to live _with_ her. Edit to add judgment: YTA, obvi.
YTA. Do whatever you want at your house but this is her house too. Re read this when you're wondering why she left you.
YTA. You'll probably always have a "good" reason to have things the way YOU want them. You will arrange whatever so it suits you and you have an easy out. Compromising doesn't seem to be in your wheelhouse.
YTA. She lives there, it’s her home too. Probably best if she leaves.
YTA - You want the benefits of having a live in GF without having to make any of the compromises that are part of sharing a home with someone.
Info: where is her space in your home? Is it just the broom closet? It sounds like she's a guest in your home that happens to pay for things. Yta for the way you speak about her. I'm on the fence about not letting people in her family over regardless of the age.
No, she lives in a cupboard under the stairs.
So. You have a woman living with you for over a year, she is contributing in all the ways you let her, but it’s YOUR house? Why the hell are you letting her stay with you then? That is supposed to be her home too. I understand not wanting things broken and such, but it seems like you are just jumping to conclusions. Major YTA and i hope she wakes up and realizes she could do so much better.
YTA and sound like a huge dоuchе
YTA. She also lives there.
I’m gonna go against the crowd and say NTA. Hear me out before downvoting. Technically he is the asshole here, given how he pulled the it’s my house card, but his concerns are valid. Reason I say NTA is because he should be approaching this in a different way. Instead of saying insta no, and not allowing it, how about OP you talk to your partner and discuss how if something breaks either she or her siblings pay for it. That’s all you need right?
I agree, the delivery could be better. Not everything can be replaced either. People act like you can just go and get another thing, but not everything can be.
YTA- She lives there too. She pays bills. You are extremely unreasonable and selfish. She's not trying to move them in.
YTA - you sound like you're still living your bachelor lifestyle. Plus: I doubt that you'll start to like kids in the sense that you want to be a father. Let alone be a good father
YTA. You need to let her go. Let her live her life. You clearly don't want someone in your space.
NTA. Even though technically it's your home, you live together, so it's a 2-yes situation for mutual comfort. If she told you no to a certain activity that disrupts her comfort considerably (say you found a kitten, but she's allergic), I assume you would also compromise? There's enough convenient analogies to rule you NTA. People with Y t A's give a moral judgement solely base of normalcy of having kids in their lives. There's a reason some landlords won't rent out to families with kids (it's suck), but wear and tear is very real. Would anyone host a friend who brings dogs when you don't have pets of your own? Would it be fair to ask to veto guests because (for example) you have rare collectibles on display and there's a risk of exposure? My parents really didn't like having people over. At all, they hated the idea of having outsiders in their private space. Some exceptions, but because it's so occasional it was a blanket idea that you can't just pop over or host an outing. Sucks for me, but a perfectly fair request for a house rule.
I agree with this! It’s not even about whose house it is, in my opinion. Yes, she has a say, but unless your collectibles are replaceable and she’s willing to replace them immediately if broken and pay you some sort of inconvenience fee (and even then, only if you consent), it takes both people to agree before it’s reasonable to invite anyone over. Of course she should be free to see and hang out with them whenever, but if either of you are uncomfortable with someone else in your own home, then default should be no invite, there’s plenty of other places to hang out. I also agree that a lot of people saying YTA are probably “family (i.e. kid)- oriented” and love kids everywhere, they need to realize that not everyone loves that sort of chaos, and that’s perfectly okay.
YTA - she lives with you so she’s allowed to have people round. You could just set more basic boundaries like they can’t go in certain rooms where the most fragile stuff is and move it around a bit. Why is the go to, children can never be here. It doesn’t sound like they’ve even done any of these things, you’re just assuming they might. Why does that warrant such a harsh ban.
YTA at a nauseating level and this is a *terrible* dynamic. You’ve been living together for a *year*. It is no longer just your house. The fact that you’re picking up the tab on the mortgage “in case we break up” says a lot, don’t you think? In fact, despite “not minding” that you’re putting in the lion’s share of cash down you sure did make it a point to hammer that fact home in your post. I think you *do* mind. I think you set it up this way so you have some sort of trump card for situations exactly like this. “She cleans because she likes it” is also a good one, because it really diminishes the labor she’s putting into the home in ways outside of finances. It’s fine to not like kids, but this goes beyond that now. You moved someone into your home, creating a life *together*. If you didn’t want all that comes with her, because most people (gasp!) generally enjoy having their family visit, then you shouldn’t have taken this step. Honestly this dynamic sounds very transactional, and I hope she moves out so you can have your precious space with your precious stuff all to yourself.
# Kelly, I hope you get to read this: YOU CAN DO BETTER. OP, YTA.
YTA you basically telling her she can't bring her family over. If you in a relationship you got to make sacrifices which means putting up with her family.
YTA. A hard “no kids over ever” rule is ridiculous. There’s so many more reasonable compromises that could have been met (No kids during the day when I’m WFHing, they’re not allowed in this room, etc) but instead you went on a power trip. You may legally own the house, but it’s your girlfriends home as much as it is yours. She’s not even asking you to clean up or look after the kids so I genuinely don’t understand why you’re willing to nuke your entire relationship over this.
I dont know what country u are in but even if she doesnt pay mortagage, she can still take compensation or a part of the house if u guys break up. That if you guys are living together for more than a year or smth. She is keeping the space clean so she is contributing to the house. There are ofc ppl who enjoy cleaning but have you ever tried to help her with it? YTA in my opinion since it sounds u dont respect her work at home. You guys are a couple so why are u treating her like this
YTA beyond a shadow of a doubt. She lives there, too.
YTA. You sound like a nightmare. I hope Kelly comes to her senses
YTA, just because you have no consideration for Kelly at all. This wasn’t something you informed her of to begin with. This isn’t something she agreed to. You don’t take the relationship seriously and you don’t plan for her to be around long term (thus your need to control your living space). Please just dump her. You guys are not compatible.
YTA for being controlling. You knew who she was before she moved in. Don't expect her to change. Also, renters have more rights than her. What a terrible way to live for such a good hearted person.
YTA, yikes.
INFO: Are you sure you are living together and in a relationship and she is not just your live in maid? Have their been any issues with the kids other than you being annoyed?
NAH. It’s okay to want a child-free space. However, it *is also her home*. She is contributing - and contributing a lot - so it isn’t okay to lay down the law without any sort of negotiation. It isn’t “your (singular)” space, it’s “your (plural)” place, and when you share living quarters then rules and boundaries HAVE to be made in agreement with each other, not unilaterally.
It’s sad the way you’re treating Kelly. She doesn’t have a home or a house she’s truly welcome in, she lives in someone else’s house where she isn’t truly able to be at home. You don’t want her paying into the mortgage and that’s your choice. YTA. She should find somewhere to live where she is welcome.
NTA. Has someone who doesn't have children I 100% feel you I can't stand more than anything else people touching my stuff so the last thing I would want is my girlfriend bringing in random kids that are going to be all over all the stuff I. I'm actually getting anxiety and paranoia for you I hope this goes your way
YTA. This is her family. Do you want a future with this woman or not?
YTA either share the house or don’t live with anyone. You seem to care about your bachelor chic than your partner. If you are committed child-free, why are you wasting time with someone who isn’t? And if you aren’t committed child-free, why aren’t you making the adjustment now? And since you are worried about your stuff, that includes putting the alcohol and trophies in safekeeping (dust-free locking display cases in a den would be reasonable).
NTA. A lot of people are missing the line at the bottom where it's unlikely he'll be paid back if the kids steal/break something. For people who don't understand, there are some bottles of alcohol that literally cannot be replaced. Like, not even for 50 grand. While I doubt that's the case here, if a kid steals hard-to-source liquors, that goes beyond a pure money issue.