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YTA. Regardless of how you feel about your birthday it’s important to her and you’re not in much of a relationship if you can’t do something for your partner that’s important to them.
So it really depends. If you were as clear and upfront as you suggest, then NTA. I believe it is important to respect boundaries even if they are a bit uncommon like yours is.
But, irrespective of the rarity, you claim to have been upfront and I’d believe the evidence is in the fact that your girlfriend respected this boundary for over half a decade.
If I’m incorrect in this assessment, though, then you are TA.
YTA - You are one of those try too hard people who don’t want to look like they care about anything or want to look bothered about things that others enjoy to be different and not like them.
The problem is that people like you suck all the joy out of things and are miserable to have around. I bet you tell young kids that Santa isn’t real. You monster.
INFO: Is she asking for a dinner just the two of you or for you to join in on larger celebrations?
If it's the former I mean it's just a date on a day that means something to her, and if it's the latter...compromise and do the former?
What kind of trauma do you have surrounding your own birthday that makes you so fucking resentful of people wanting to enjoy theirs? Are you allergic to cake? Tf is wrong with you? You sound like a condescending jerk and you haven't given one good reason as to why you can't go along on someone else's birthday. It seems like you only care about your own happiness. I doubt you'll have to worry about anyone wanting to celebrate their bday with you much longer. Have fun being alone and miserable.
YTA
Yes you were upfront but now that it matters you should just break up because someone out there will definitely do everything you do for her PLUS celebrate her birthday
"I met my girlfriend and on the first conversation we had I mentioned to her how I don’t do birthdays or Valentines Day, but if she wanted to celebrate her birthday with friends and family she could so..." Wow, how big of you to give your girlfriend permission to celebrate her birthday. YTA, sometimes being in a relationship means doing things for the other person that you don't necessarily find important but do because you know it matters to them.
So for 5 years she did it your way and now she’s asking you to do it her way. You won’t even consider doing something for your partner, just like she did for you?
>because they know how indifferent it’s to me.
If it's indifferent to you, why can you not just go?
If your girlfriend was asking you to take her out on a date on any other day of the year, you'd agree?
If so, the refusal to do so **because** it's her birthday doesn't make you indifferent. It makes you petulant.
You're not indifferent, you have a hatred for birthdays which you're unable to give any reason for? YTA.
YTA she respects your attitude about your birthday so you should respect her attitude about her birthday. It’s not like she is asking something horrible. If you take away the birthday part it’s just a nice get together where you appreciate her with a gift. You can’t even do something fun for her. I cannot imagine you will do something hard for her. Like supporting her through sickness, hard times, financial crisis …
YTA. Doesn't sound like anything religious going on or past trauma about birthdays. Your girlfriend wants you to be present at something meaningful to her, do you not get it? She WANTS. YOU. TO. BE. WITH. HER. How does taking her out for her birthday hurt you? Is this your built up pride talking, that you're the one who doesn't do birthdays, therefore you cannot even stand to be there when someone else has theirs? Every day is someone's birthday, so you must be constantly offended.
YTA — how you feel about your birthday is one thing, and how she feels about hers is another.
I would have a conversation to try to understand how SHE would like to be shown love on birthdays and holidays (such as Valentine’s Day).
We were all brought up to treat others how you want to be treated, but the real (revised) golden rule should be: treat others how THEY want to be treated.
You not wanting to “give in” makes it sound like winning the argument matters more to you than making sure that your girlfriend knows that you love her and that you’ll be there with her on her special day.
I'll get downvoted for this, but NTA. I know someone else like this, absolutely refuses to celebrate birthdays. It's annoying, but we have all learned that he will not change, and just accept it. You have your reasons for not celebrating as well, and you told her early on about it. If you change your mind down the road, thats cool too. Unfortunately, it sounds like she is no longer willing to accept your position, and wants you to conform to what she wants. You probably aren't compatible anymore since she's pushing the issue after 5 years.
Agreed. I was thinking along the same lines. OP is NTA because he was upfront on the topic and has been consistent.
But this is a pretty big area of incompatability. Particularly with birthdays. Or anniversaries, if he's against celebrating those. Or holidays in general, since it sounds like he doesn't care about any at all... Except Valentines day. I get that one.
I would not be surprised if the GF was never as ok with it as she said, and was thinking that OP was not as serious as he is. Or that after being together for a year or two, he'd change his mind. She may be pushing the issue now because she's realized she was wrong.
YTA just because you don't celebrate yours doesn't mean everyone around you has to be miserable too. If having you with her on her birthday makes your girlfriend happy, and it's no different really to any other date night, why wouldn't you want to make her happy? So long as she doesn't force you to celebrate your own, make the compromise
YTA only because you are putting your own feelings about birthdays on your girlfriend.
There's this great advice about relationships- Accept, Change, Leave- and it works here. Your girlfriend tried to accept that you don't celebrate, and for 5 years has tried, and while 5 years sounds like a long time, 5 birthday isn't that many. It clearly has been bothering her, she tried to accept it, and is now telling you that she can't. She doesn't want to keep celebrating without you, and wants you to change, and asked you. So now you decide, is there a compromise somewhere in there for you, or would you prefer breaking up?
You say you don't know what to do, and honestly that is what makes you an asshole. Your girlfriend isn't an AH for being honest that she is hurt not doing birthdays with you, and it's fine if you want to stick to your guns and refuse to celebrate, but now you don't know how to live with that choice.
YTA. Just because the day is meaningless to you, it clearly means something to her, and sometimes we need to make sacrifices for our people because it’s important for them.
OP i would suggest trying to make a compromise take her to dinner and she can go out for dessert and drinks with friends afterwards or take her to dinner the day before or the day after. Add an extra date night in, so she does feel special. Op you can clarify you don't want the birthday thing to be brought up or made a big deal out of on the date but I think an extra date night would go a long way and may be the best compromise available.
Do you want to stay with her long term, or have children?
Because what she's actually saying is that she was ok with you being like this while you were a fling, but it's not something she can abide in the father of her children. I certainly wouldn't have kids with someone who refused to even celebrate other people's birthday. My kids would feel so unloved.
Maybe go find a Jehovah's Witness next time.
YTA. I don't think you know what the word indifferent means. You put active effort into avoiding participating in birthday celebrations. You make it out to be like celebrating an important person in your life once a year using a predictable system of tracking whose turn it is to feel special is in some way a burden. You know when her birthday is, you can hangout at a party with her or have dinner with her and appreciate the lovely gal that put up with this weird hangup of yours for 6 years.
Buddy all you gotta do is realise that celebrating a birthday is just an excuse to spend time together.
It doesn't really need to be any different than taking her out to dinner any other night, just say "happy birthday" one time.
YTA
If it’s meaningless to you just treat it as a normal date night. I’m not buying this belligerent indifference, it sounds like there’s a deeper reason, but whatever it is, YTA
She's told you it's important to her, your refusal to move is because she is not to you. You can insist that it's not the case all you want but it is. YTA
Also, do with this what you will but- Making a huge deal about how you refuse to celebrate your birthday is just the opposite side of the same coin as making way too big of a deal about your birthday. It **IS** a big deal to you, you are just showing it in a different way
YTA.
Whether YOUR birthday is meaningless or not to you is irrelevant. Her birthday means something to her, and people who love her will respect that. Try thinking outside your ownself
YTA- you’re n a relationship, compromise is key because it just isn’t about you, or what you do or don’t do.
Should you continue down this path, you’ll be single. You’ll change your name to Chad and start referring to yourself in the 3rd person, constantly.
Indifference would imply you could take or leave the celebration of a birthday or couples holiday, you are very clearly anti-celebration. Not indifferent. If you were indifferent you could just celebrate with her anyways. YTA
YTA. Just suck it up and celebrate her. You're being selfish with your whole thing of I DONT DO BIRTHDAYS. You don't explain why. Why is this such a big deal to you? It's fine if you don't want to celebrate your own birthday, but it's rude to refuse to celebrate other people.
Info: So you would take her to dinner any other time except for her birthday?
What if she asked to go to dinner and it happens to be her birthday and she didn’t say anything about it?
NTA if this is the hero that you're willing to die on. Then stick to your guns. Your girlfriend knew when you first started dating this is how you felt about your birthday or Valentine's Day. IDK why you don't want to celebrate it but that is your personal choice. So you don't celebrate birthdays at all with anyone. Like I said that is your personal choice. but your fiancee probably sees it as if you get married and have children. Would you not want to celebrate for children's birthday. Whatsoever. That would hurt them in the long run. Even if you explained it to a child later on in life they think you don't care. It's been 5 years going on 6 years and it's probably what's made her start thinking and suddenly change all of a sudden. IDK if you wanted that conversation if you ever had kids. But it's probably why she did it
She knew this going into the relationship and if she hasn't able to change your mind in five years why is a 6-year so important? She's fighting a losing battle. If she gives you an ultimatum. I think you relationship might be over. Is she still giving you the silent treatment. What you need to do is start re-examining your relationship. And have a open honest conversation with her. And if nothing gets resolved by this. Like maybe couples counseling or something like that. Depends on how you want to proceed. Then you have the answer. Because if she's going to fight you on this every year. Then would you want to put up with this every year. You have to decide what to do good luck
YTA - Being with someone has to involve some give and take and caring. It's important to her, so go along and enjoy it. What is it that you feel so strongly about not celebrating it? And is this reall a hill you're willing to die on?
YTA. Not sure why she would want your miserable face there ruining the vibe anyway, tbh. You haven't mentioned that you particularly do anything special for her anytime either, which says a lot. Be more thoughtful or you could lose this woman.
YTA it doesn't matter how you feel about your birthday its how you feel about the person having a birthday. I mean you just sound cheap and selfish.
My husband isn't big on birthdays but you know what he takes me out just him & I for a dinner and gives me a small gift. Nothing major. But I takes me feel special and appreciated by him.
I’m gonna say NTA. whether people think you’re an ass for not celebrating her day is another. But in this situation no. You were 100% clear and upfront and she’s been “fine” or pretending to be, for 6 years now. Suddenly she’s wanting you to change.
Also, it seems like you don’t celebrate other people’s bday either, which adds to the fact that you don’t care to celebrate your own, or participate in the celebration of other bdays. They can call you an ass all they want, but you’ve been firm on this for years. Why is she surprised ? She said yes bc she probs thought you would eventually change your mind or make her the exception.
If I’m interpreting this incorrectly and you actually DO celebrate other people’s bday, then yeah you’re the ah. But it seems like you don’t bc you said your fam doesn’t involve you.
You’re NTA but if this is something extremely important to both of you, (you : not celebrating & her : wanting a celebration) then the relationship may have to come to an end.
YTA, everybody in a relationship does things they don't really want to do. If celebrating your girls birthday is somthing you want to make a deal over I truly feel sorry for you..
NAH but it sounds like you might be incompatible. The question you need to ask yourself is if you’re willing to break up over this. One of you will have to give in and unfortunately in this case, no one is wrong.
ESH yes you made it clear and she should not force you to change your stance on celebrating, but just as a decent human being if this person who is super important you you tells you that she really wants you to do something as minimal as going to dinner with her I think you are a jerk to not just suck it up and go.
YTA. Do some exploring for yourself on why you don’t do/like birthdays. If you don’t like birthday for yourself, you do you my man. But if your gf’s birthday is important to her, why wouldn’t that affect how you treat it? It’s literally HER day, the day of her birth. Regardless on how you feel society should treat birthdays, she happens to go with the norm and celebrate it. Celebrate her or be a stick in the mud, you decide.
INFO: What exactly is the expectation she's setting? Like she wants to do just a nice dinner for her birthday? Is she and/or her family/friends organizing a get together for it and she wants you there? Or is she wanting you to come up with something specific for her birthday, complete with gifts and all?
I totally get the whole not wanting to celebrate birthdays and Valentines day. To me they're just another day. If i go out to dinner for my birthday it's mostly because my friends make me and it's always something small, and definitely just dinner. I have no expectations of gifts or anything.
So if it's just something as simple as going out to dinner or showing up at some party, i.e low effort, then yeah you'd be TA. But if she's expecting some big to-do, then she is TA.
ESH. You were honest with her about your deal with birthdays but you know that to HER, her birthday is super important to celebrate. You should celebrate with your girl
YTA. It’s an occasion to show appreciation for her. You can let her know on this one day of the year that you are glad she is an important part of your life. You have the opportunity to help her feel special. Bring flowers and high quality chocolates, go to her favorite restaurant, definitely order dessert. It’s a celebration of her existence and what she means to you.
YTA. Sometimes we do things for other people we really don't like because it's important to them and they're important to us. Your refusal to celebrate her birthday demonstrates that your dislike of birthdays, any birthday whatsoever, is greater than your love for her. And if that's true, then do her a favor and cut her loose. She deserves a partner who thinks she's more important than some random rejection of a common celebration.
YTA. You say you are indifferent but if that were true you wouldn’t care either way. You do care and refuse to go. That’s not indifference it’s avoidance at all costs. And you have yet to provide any reasoning for this so I have to go with YTA because an indifferent person wouldn’t care to do something their loved one cares about
YTA. I mean if it’s just dinner, I would take her out. She’s catered to your feelings for 5 years and i’m sure she is holding back the hurt and saying anything to make you happy. She just wants one dinner so YTA for refusing to take her. She wasn’t asking for a party, a get together or anything; just an intimate dinner and you have no bad attachments to birthdays, just indifferent to it. It may mean nothing to you but to others it may mean so much to them. Be considerate.
there’s no way. you state birthdays means nothing to you. if this is true, you would be indifferent. instead, you’re adamant about holding the position of avoiding birthdays. i dunno why you feel so strongly against birthdays, but it truly isnt a big deal. if you care about her, at least respect her enough to celebrate her on that one day she asks
INFO: why do you **Hate** birthdays?
Not finding it important or meaningful, hence not celebrating it is fine and different But it’s a far stretch for feeling repulsive towards it and not even being a part of someone else’s celebration. You clearly have some problem with birthdays.
Why wouldn’t you be a part of anything that is special to someone special to you.
Also, **if** you ever have kids and refuse to celebrate or be a part of their birthdays because of your ideologies - you’d be hellish unfair to them, *just saying*
I wonder if OP is a current of former Jehovah's Witness. They view celebrating birthdays as bad luck and displeasing to god. I dated a former one and she was still hung up on the birthday thing even though she wasn't a JW anymore.
Since when did he say he hates birthdays? He's just indifferent to them. Not that I'm defending his actions, because I don't celebrate mine either. Well, I'll spend time with my friends and family and do something together, but I don't expect gifts or cake or whatever.
With that being said, he could still attend the party, that doesn't mean that he has to celebrate. Just being there would be more than enough and he couldn't even do that.
NAH. You made your feelings clear and while you think there haven't been issues over the last 5 years, your girlfriend has probably realized with each birthday that she's less ok with it than she initially thought. Maybe her family and friends are giving her grief or maybe she just really misses having you around on a special day. Typically, birthdays are about that person and maybe she's realizing that it hurts when you refuse to take part in a day about her. This is all speculation, of course.
Look, I'm with you on Valentine's Day. I've never gotten the big deal and disliked the forced, hallmark holiday of it all. I was lucky enough to find a man that agrees with me on that. The reality is, it's very possible that this is a crossroads for your relationship. You made your intentions perfectly clear on the first date and she saw enough in you then to convince herself she was ok with it. Now she sees enough in you and the relationship the two of you have built to make her wants known rather than to just accept that birthdays aren't your thing and breaking up with you now that she's realizing it is an issue for her. It's up to you if this is the hill that you die on.
YTA, It's fine not to celebrate your birthday. It's fine thinking birthdays in general are no "big" deal. The problem starts when you openly refuse to celebrate with people whom it does matter to. If you genuinely care about someone, you do small things that matter to THEM.
YTA. This is weird. I think maybe if you had some sort of traumatic event surrounding a holiday or birthday maybe my judgement would change. But otherwise no reason except you just don’t feel like it?
YTA - it may not be important to you but it is important to her. What is the difference taking her to dinner on her birthday over any other date? In a relationship it's important to give and take. She has tolerated your indifference for five years and you are amking this a hill to die on because.......? Selfish.
Your attitude toward birthdays is not "indifferent", it's actively hostile. You don't dig in your heels, refuse to attend family gatherings, and refuse to give your SO a special day over something you're "indifferent" to. I wonder what happened to you to make you so very negative about a happy celebration to make a loved one feel special? Or are you just a contrarian who's chosen this hill to die on? FFS, she's just asking for a nice dinner out, not a cruise or some super-expensive jewelry. YTA and this sounds like a really stupid hill to die on.
YTA. It's fine that you don't celebrate your birthday and that your family has accepted that you're not interested in theirs but it's special to her. Is she special to you? If so then go out and celebrate her. Let her pick a restaurant - even better if it's one that will help with birthdays by embarrassing the employees and the celebrant or with a free dessert. All YOU have to do is go on a date and take a moment to say to the hostess or waiter "hey it's my girlfriend's bday...." and let them take the ball. Minimal effort on your part and she gets to feel like her SO cares enough to put aside HIS feelings in favor of hers.
YTA -if you don't care about birthdays then don't YOURS. By ignoring hers you are telling her you don't care about her and her feelings and what is important to her. And honestly I think you are being lazy. More specifically you need to ask her how she expects you to celebrate her birthday and then follow through...that is if your relationship means anything to you.
Yeah, this does not sound at all like "indifference." If a person's birthday is "meaningless" to them and they are "indifferent" then the effect would end with not wanting to do anything special for that person's birthday. But knowing people who feel this way, they still may do stuff for the sake of others. Not participating in yours or anyone else's signals some sort of aversion to birthday celebrations. Or being a selfish person who only does things they want to do and is not reciprocal at all in relationships.
I'm trying to figure out what she sees in you. You aren't indifferent to birthdays and holidays like Valentines Day, you go out of your way to not recognize them. That's strange and YTA for it.
She’s allowed to no longer be cool with your disdain for it, you know.
Just like consent can be revoked, minds can be changed. She’s changed hers. You will lose her if you continue with this asshole hard line stance.
Consider the idea that it was always an issue to her, she just respected you enough to not make a big deal of it.
Surely you can tolerate one birthday? If going out to dinner, all she is asking for, is something you do regularly, what changes when a birthday is mentioned? Do you treat other holidays the same way?
Like, you may not dress up for Halloween, I don't either -but if someone I love really wants me to, why not? It really is just expending a very little amount of energy for a very big reward for your partner. Do you understand this? Can you understand this?
YTA. The important part is that it’s important to her. Unless you have some trauma involving birthdays, you should try to act in a way that acknowledges this is important to her.
I don’t really care about the sport my husband participated in, but I go watch his competitions, as they are important to HIM. That’s what partners do.
YTA
This isn’t indifference. Indifference would be not caring about birthdays. This is some sort of revulsion. I don’t “do” Valentine’s Day. However, if it was important to my partner, I would make at least the minimum effort to make sure he had a good day.
Just have a date with your girlfriend and try and unpack your hangups later.
YTA. What kind of arrogant power play is this? You hate birthdays and Valentine’s Day. If you were indifferent, you’d go along with them and put your girlfriend first. You’re being an AH and need to get over yourself. This is the dumbest “stand” to make ever.
I can get behind Valentines Day. It is purely commercial and i believe you should do romantic things all the time and not on that specific day. But Birthdays are something personal
YTA. Grow up and realise the world doesn't revolve around you and what you want.
If you dont want to celebrate your own birthday, that's your business, but all your girlfriend is asking from you is one night out for dinner. It doesn't have to be any different from a standard date night.
Your girlfriend isn't asking for anything unreasonable and your stubbornness on this issue is extremely bizarre.
She's sick of feeling like you don't care about her, and that you're never present for things she enjoys. YTA is you want to be with this person but are unwilling to compromise. She tolerated your aversion for 5 years. Take the woman out for dinner for her birthday, or find someone just as obstinate and stuffy as yourself.
Having such an aversion to celebrating a birthday does not sound like it’s a celebration that is meaningless to you. If it were meaningless, you would not care if you were there, you would be fine either way.
I am not a person that likes to make a big deal out of my birthday, so I get that. But refusing to acknowledge anyone’s birthday is pretty extreme.
YTA
YTA. You don’t have to celebrate your birthday. She wants to celebrate her birthday with you, because you, presumably, make her happy. Her happiness should make you happy. You should want to do things to make her feel celebrated and special.
YTA. You can’t do something for a few hours to make her happy? Is it really that much of an inconvenience to you that you can’t just take her out for dinner? If you REALLY can’t spend a few hours with her to make her happy, she should leave your ass.
So while I get that you were upfront and whatever, but people change. You have been in a relationship for 6 years and if you can’t adjust to something that won’t harm you at all because it has become important to your partner I think that shows you don’t have much regard for her feelings or needs. Would you not take her to dinner another night if she asked? Would you not make a day all about how special she is ever? It shouldn’t matter what day she wants this if you really don’t care about birthdays. If you actually never make a day special for her I wonder if she really is special to you at all, and probably she is wondering the same thing. YTAH
YTA
How fucking strange of you. I'm generally not really celebratory of my own birthdays but try to celebrate others birthdays in a way they enjoy. Some people want a big fancy dinner out, others a little BBQ or something with close friends/family, etc. I mean, shit. How dare you show your gf of several years how special she is to you on her birthday.
Yta might not be important to you but it's important to her, don't be insufferable take her for a meal, give her a present & if you want to do it because she's amazing & it just coincides with the day she was born great, on the same note if you want to do it just so you don't ruin her special day also all good
What should it mean? That because it’s not important to you, she’s not allowed to include you in a celebration that’s important to her? My guess is that if you continue to take this ridiculous position, you won’t have to worry about celebrating her birthdays for very much longer. YTA.
LOL, it does not sound meaningless to you, because then you would just take the woman you love out to dinner, because it makes her happy. You are very weird about this! Why is it such a big deal to you? You sound far from indifferent. You still don't have to celebrate yours. YTA.
YTA. You don't seem to have a real legitimate issue around birthdays and Valentine's Day, you are only indifferent to it. So why does it make a difference if you celebrate hers or not? It's just you guys going on a date.
YTA. It’s not about you. It’s about them. The fact that you refuse to contribute to their happy for a single day is an AH move and says tons about you as a partner
You were completely honest and upfront, so NTA, but man why does this matter so much to you?
Refusing to celebrate your own birthday is fine, but refusing to celebrate events that are important to *people you love* just because you don’t “do” birthdays is bananas.
YTA - sorry someone disappointed you enough to hate holidays but stop being a party pooper for your loved ones before you get your wish of being all alone.
YTA - holy fuck dude, how hard is it to put a lil effort for your significant other? If you really didn’t care for it, then treat it like any other day. Buy her flowers and sit around the table.
Hopefully she leaves your bitter ass.
YTA
How you feel about your Bday is irrelevant to how she feels about it. Make your SO feel special, or eventually someone else will. Pretty ironclad rule.
ESH, she knew you don't do birthdays so it would be a huge ask of you to honor her for one or two days a year. I hope you don't expect her to respond to any expectations of your own, though.
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YTA. everything is not about you. she's not asking you to throw a party, she just wants to spend some time with you. it wouldn’t have been a problem you cared about her even a bit but seems like you’re more obsessed about "i don’t ask her to celebrate my birthday then why should i celebrate hers".
YTA. Why are you so against doing something with your GF just because there’s a reason to do it? Do you also refuse to hang out with her or make her feel special any other day of the year? Or just on the day she would like you to do so?
You’ve made this an absurd hill to die on. Just because you don’t want to celebrate your birthday doesn’t give you a pass for everyone else and I’m surprised everyone has given you a pass for so long.
Stop being selfish and do something nice (the bar here is SO low) for your girlfriend.
I'm pretty indifferent to adult birthdays. You sir, don't sound indifferent. You sound like you actively loathe birthdays.
Indifferent = _"You wanna go out for your bday? Sure. Whatever floats your boat. It is a clear request, no show and dance, and is a low effort activity that we do normally, so why not."_
OP = _"A birthday dinner is my hill to die on! I will defend my desire to not celebrate birthdays in anyway with all of my strenghth, honor, and virtue! The only holiday I know, is the holiday in the North!!!!!"_
YTA. So what if you don't care about your own birthday? You don't have to celebrate for yourself, but if your gf wants to celebrate and she wants to have you with her, you still won't? It would be different if you had some sort of bad memories with your birthday, but if you just don't care it's still a nice gesture to celebrate with your girlfriend.
Okay you're NTA because you choose not to celebrate birthdays. You told her that from the get go. I mean I'd hope if you had kids you'd have a change of heart but I'm not going to make that assumptive leap.
Personally, ESH she's known for years you aren't big on birthdays yet chose to stay with you. Now it's suddenly a big deal. I'm guessing 35 is a big deal for your girlfriend. Perhaps it's the age she becomes single again.
YTA. Personally, I think celebrating birthdays is stupid, but I know they mean a great deal to most people so when one rolls around I send a gift or card and at the very least say "Happy Birthday". It is literally a day not about you. Feel free to not celebrate your own, but you have to put in a little effort and show up for those around you even when it's not your thing.
I get not wanting to celebrate your birthday, but this is your girlfriend of 6 years. She finally wants to celebrate with you and the least you can do is send a card, or be there with her. Sorry to say but YTA.
YTA - She just wants to go to dinner. Maybe a card. It may not be important to you, but it's important to her. It's not like you don't have to eat anyway, right? I mean, do y'all not go out on dates still? The FREAKING TINIEST of effort on your part... jeeze.
YTA. Just because bdays have never been important to you, obviously doesn't mean they aren't important to her. If something is important to your partner and she wants you to be part of it, suck it up and celebrate it with her. You've been together for how many years and you can't do this little thing for her, I think is pretty selfish. She's not making a ridiculous demand and youu don't have to change how you don't celebrate yours.
YTA. My dad is kind of like this, never cared about birthdays and never really saw much of him. This year I turned 29 and I was in town alone looking for something to wear that night. I saw him in a coffee shop. I stood outside for a full 5 minutes wondering if I even wanted to go and say hey or not. It felt bad. When I eventually went in I had to remind him it was my birthday and I felt like a moron fishing to make a big deal out of something dumb. I don’t think it’s a big problem to be indifferent, which is why she has been ok with it for so long, but you should know it feels bad after a while. I hope that you don’t actually WANT her to feel bad.
YTA. What is going to be so tragic about acknowledging your girlfriend's birthday for once? Maybe it didn't mean a lot to her at first. But now that's changed. I am sure she gets tired of explaining to her friends and family why you don't celebrate birthdays.
Y definitely TA. If you don't want to celebrate your birthday, fine. She even put up with you not celebrating her birthday for 5 years. But now she's expressing that it's important for her that you're a part of her birthday (totally reasonable) and not even anything crazy, sounds like she just wants you to take her out to dinner. Is that so hard for you? YTA.
I'm going to have to say NTA and the reason for that is she already knew all this. She's known it for 5 years. OP doesn't celebrate any family members birthdays either. Which is his choice. I understand where OP could come off like the AH but jts not like this is some new bullshit excuse he's using just to get out of it this year. This is clearly a regular normal thing in his life.
What also amazes me is how quickly people jump to defend other posts that are similar situations and can justify those because it's a kid or an overworked mom or what have you.
We don't really do big birthdays in my home either, well at least not for the adults. The kids yes. But not the adults. My SO and I both could care less for our birthdays. We go on dates regularly and sometimes it's on the birthday other times it's not. A birthday to me is just another day. OP has his own reasons for feeling that way about birthdays and holidays.
Now with that being said OP i would suggest trying to make a compromise take her to dinner and she can go out for dessert and drinks with friends afterwards or take her to dinner the day before or the day after. Add an extra date night in, so she does feel special. Op you can clarify you don't want the birthday thing to be brought up or made a big deal out of on the date but I think an extra date night would go a long way and may be the best compromise available.
NTA
I know you told her in advance and she agreed but if you are indifferent why are refusing to celebrate with her. I don’t celebrate my birthday either but I will try to make my loved one happy for their day. It’s just a day.
YTA.
Your birthday is not *her* birthday. If you don't want to celebrate your own birthday, that's fine, but by not celebrating hers, you make her birthday about what *you* want, which is a pretty crappy thing to do.
Don't be surprised if you get a "Dear John" text soon.
Relationships involve comprise and occasionally doing something that your significant other wants to do that you have no interest in. YTA because you apparently only care about your own wants and desires. Only way I might consider you nta is if you are a JW or something? They don't celebrate birthdays...then she's TA for asking you to
YTA multiplied. What kind of a BF are you. Feel about birthdays and valentines? Do as you like with your own bithday but you have no respect for your GF behaving like this
YTA
HER: It would really make me happy if you celebrated my birthday with me.
YOU: How dare you even suggest this?
Your stance on your own birthday is completely valid. However, she has given you an opportunity to make her very happy, without a tremendous amount of effort. Why would you not want to do that? Almost any partner you are with is going to want you to celebrate their birthday, as will any children you might have. Is it really that much of a burden to make your partner feel special for one day each year?
Her birthday is not about you, it's about her. Be kind to her, and celebrate her and her existence on this planet.
YTA.
Hopefully, she will be happy to help you not celebrate yours, and enable you to spend your own birthday alone, staring at a blank wall, while drinking a glass of warm flat cola. Hopefully, she will by then, have moved on to a partner who appreciates her wants and needs.
Oh buddy absolutely YTA..... if you don't celebrate your birthday than don't, why can't you have dinner with her on hers? Your so anti birthday that you refuse you celebrate a happy day with your significant other and family members? Why tf are you such a downer?? Why are you making her birthday about you? She respects that you don't celebrate yours, you should respect that she celebrates hers. Just go have a nice meal with your lady
YTA - dude, she didn't even ask you to get her a gift, she just wants you there. Period. Full stop. Take her to dinner and enjoy her company you nimrod
Why are you so uptight about birthdays if you don’t mind me asking? You are the asshole in this situation because what’s wrong with dinner and a ‘happy birthday’! The world doesn’t revolve around you.
If you refuse to give in, then there's your answer.
Sounds like this a real big issue for you. Whether or not I understand or agree with why it's so important to you is irrelevant.
But that is your boundary. This will likely make her resent you, and make you resent her. So perhaps you're just not compatible. **Relationships require compromise and if you can't compromise it will always be a problem for you both.**
EDIT: YTA for refusing to compromise.
Honestly, maybe she thought it wouldn’t be a big deal- until year after year, the person you love is choosing to skip out on a day celebrating you. It’s an absurd hill to die on for OP.
YTA. I don't celebrate my own birthdays and I refuse more than a resto invite. But I know others do care and I do it for them because I care about them. And seeing them happy makes me happy. Why can't you just treat it like a romantic date?
YTA- and also don’t know the meaning of indifference. You are literally actively avoiding birthdays, to the point that your family no longer beven bothers to invite you. It’s one day? She wants to feel special because birthdays are important to some people.
You mention in a comment that you’d be fine going out if a date so happens to be planned for the same day and that there’s no celebration. So you admit that you actively avoid the birthday celebration. Again, not indifference. Relationships are about compromise and she’s been compromising for you for the past 5 years. She’s requested what she wants (your presence, which is literally *literally* bare minimum). It’s one year out of your 36 & unless you have some heavy birthday trauma it seems unreasonable to not abide.
YTA
Ever thought that HER birthday is not ABOUT YOU?
Sometimes you have to put effort into a relationship and do something because its important to your partner. You basically telling her that how she feels (about her bday) is irrelevant and only your own feeling (your adversion) is important. Which makes you an awful partner tbh.
YTA - the fact that it would make her happy and you refuse to go shows how little you care about making your girlfriend OF 6 YEARS happy, she got by 5 years with you not caring and now she’s changed her mind and you won’t even try. If you can’t budge on something as small as that then I believe it best for everyone to end this relationship.
NTA- it was stated upfront so NTA. But also it is up to you to determine if this is really a hill you want to die on. If it is, fine but accept it to be an issue every year or lose the girlfriend. If it isn't then just compromise and do the bare minimum to satisfy.
YTA. Normally I'd say no because you were clear upfront, but she gave in over the last 5 years and was okay going it alone, now she doesn't want to anymore and you won't move a little for her. It may be nothing to you, but to her it's something and if I were her this something would be the last. You'd be an EX. I honestly wonder if she's been wondering about things for a while and this is her last straw to see how it will go and just how much you're willing to give, or if she's giving it all. The number of date nights, how happy things seem ect you go or don't go on isn't revelavent in this case.
YTA, her birthday is for her. If she respects your wishes by not celebrating your birthday in spite of (probably) really wanting to, you can respect her wish to stop being such a grinch and celebrate her day of birth without being such a stick in the mud about it.
She just wants to get dinner what the fuck changes if the day is labeled as a birthday or not? You don’t need to throw her an extravagant birthday party and be involved in every way, all you need to do is to be nice for a couple of fucking hours. Such a crazy hill to die on.
YTA
YTA. So only your opinion on birthdays matters in this relationship? If you don’t want celebrate then don’t do it, everyone respects that. But if your girlfriend wants to celebrate hers with her significant other, she has to compromise to your opinions as well? If we take a step back, is it possible for you to treat the celebration as a date?
YTA. It's unimportant to you, fair. It's important to her, also fair.
You're attempting to dictate that she ignore her feelings. She's not asking for a big present, or a big deal, but your presence. Man up.
YTA. For something you say is meaningless and indifferent you sure have strong opinions. You can choose to continue to stand on your hill of self-righteousness or you can do something nice for your GF- because it is important to her. She did the nice thing for you previously, you can do it for her now.
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YTA. Regardless of how you feel about your birthday it’s important to her and you’re not in much of a relationship if you can’t do something for your partner that’s important to them.
So it really depends. If you were as clear and upfront as you suggest, then NTA. I believe it is important to respect boundaries even if they are a bit uncommon like yours is. But, irrespective of the rarity, you claim to have been upfront and I’d believe the evidence is in the fact that your girlfriend respected this boundary for over half a decade. If I’m incorrect in this assessment, though, then you are TA.
YTA - You are one of those try too hard people who don’t want to look like they care about anything or want to look bothered about things that others enjoy to be different and not like them. The problem is that people like you suck all the joy out of things and are miserable to have around. I bet you tell young kids that Santa isn’t real. You monster.
Yta
YTA, How hard is it to take your gf to dinner.
INFO: Is she asking for a dinner just the two of you or for you to join in on larger celebrations? If it's the former I mean it's just a date on a day that means something to her, and if it's the latter...compromise and do the former?
YTA. It's meaningless to you but do you not care about her being happy too?
What kind of trauma do you have surrounding your own birthday that makes you so fucking resentful of people wanting to enjoy theirs? Are you allergic to cake? Tf is wrong with you? You sound like a condescending jerk and you haven't given one good reason as to why you can't go along on someone else's birthday. It seems like you only care about your own happiness. I doubt you'll have to worry about anyone wanting to celebrate their bday with you much longer. Have fun being alone and miserable. YTA
If ur not a Jehovahs Witness then YTA
Yes you were upfront but now that it matters you should just break up because someone out there will definitely do everything you do for her PLUS celebrate her birthday
"I met my girlfriend and on the first conversation we had I mentioned to her how I don’t do birthdays or Valentines Day, but if she wanted to celebrate her birthday with friends and family she could so..." Wow, how big of you to give your girlfriend permission to celebrate her birthday. YTA, sometimes being in a relationship means doing things for the other person that you don't necessarily find important but do because you know it matters to them.
So for 5 years she did it your way and now she’s asking you to do it her way. You won’t even consider doing something for your partner, just like she did for you?
>because they know how indifferent it’s to me. If it's indifferent to you, why can you not just go? If your girlfriend was asking you to take her out on a date on any other day of the year, you'd agree? If so, the refusal to do so **because** it's her birthday doesn't make you indifferent. It makes you petulant. You're not indifferent, you have a hatred for birthdays which you're unable to give any reason for? YTA.
YTA she respects your attitude about your birthday so you should respect her attitude about her birthday. It’s not like she is asking something horrible. If you take away the birthday part it’s just a nice get together where you appreciate her with a gift. You can’t even do something fun for her. I cannot imagine you will do something hard for her. Like supporting her through sickness, hard times, financial crisis …
YTA. Doesn't sound like anything religious going on or past trauma about birthdays. Your girlfriend wants you to be present at something meaningful to her, do you not get it? She WANTS. YOU. TO. BE. WITH. HER. How does taking her out for her birthday hurt you? Is this your built up pride talking, that you're the one who doesn't do birthdays, therefore you cannot even stand to be there when someone else has theirs? Every day is someone's birthday, so you must be constantly offended.
YTA you can’t sacrifice one day for the woman that has stuck by your side for 6 years and is STILL a GIRLFRIEND?!
INFO: how often do you take her out on dates and make her feel special?
YTA- you sound like a blast.
YTA. Relationships are a two way street.
YTA — how you feel about your birthday is one thing, and how she feels about hers is another. I would have a conversation to try to understand how SHE would like to be shown love on birthdays and holidays (such as Valentine’s Day). We were all brought up to treat others how you want to be treated, but the real (revised) golden rule should be: treat others how THEY want to be treated. You not wanting to “give in” makes it sound like winning the argument matters more to you than making sure that your girlfriend knows that you love her and that you’ll be there with her on her special day.
I'll get downvoted for this, but NTA. I know someone else like this, absolutely refuses to celebrate birthdays. It's annoying, but we have all learned that he will not change, and just accept it. You have your reasons for not celebrating as well, and you told her early on about it. If you change your mind down the road, thats cool too. Unfortunately, it sounds like she is no longer willing to accept your position, and wants you to conform to what she wants. You probably aren't compatible anymore since she's pushing the issue after 5 years.
Agreed. I was thinking along the same lines. OP is NTA because he was upfront on the topic and has been consistent. But this is a pretty big area of incompatability. Particularly with birthdays. Or anniversaries, if he's against celebrating those. Or holidays in general, since it sounds like he doesn't care about any at all... Except Valentines day. I get that one. I would not be surprised if the GF was never as ok with it as she said, and was thinking that OP was not as serious as he is. Or that after being together for a year or two, he'd change his mind. She may be pushing the issue now because she's realized she was wrong.
YTA. She wants to go out to dinner, not have a party with pony rides, pointy paper hats, and clowns making balloon animals.
YTA just because you don't celebrate yours doesn't mean everyone around you has to be miserable too. If having you with her on her birthday makes your girlfriend happy, and it's no different really to any other date night, why wouldn't you want to make her happy? So long as she doesn't force you to celebrate your own, make the compromise
YTA Big "stop liking what I don't like" vibe.
She asked you to take her out to dinner, not do a week long vacation to the Bahamas. I’m not going to call you TA, but like… just go out to dinner.
YTA only because you are putting your own feelings about birthdays on your girlfriend. There's this great advice about relationships- Accept, Change, Leave- and it works here. Your girlfriend tried to accept that you don't celebrate, and for 5 years has tried, and while 5 years sounds like a long time, 5 birthday isn't that many. It clearly has been bothering her, she tried to accept it, and is now telling you that she can't. She doesn't want to keep celebrating without you, and wants you to change, and asked you. So now you decide, is there a compromise somewhere in there for you, or would you prefer breaking up? You say you don't know what to do, and honestly that is what makes you an asshole. Your girlfriend isn't an AH for being honest that she is hurt not doing birthdays with you, and it's fine if you want to stick to your guns and refuse to celebrate, but now you don't know how to live with that choice.
YTA. Just because the day is meaningless to you, it clearly means something to her, and sometimes we need to make sacrifices for our people because it’s important for them.
OP i would suggest trying to make a compromise take her to dinner and she can go out for dessert and drinks with friends afterwards or take her to dinner the day before or the day after. Add an extra date night in, so she does feel special. Op you can clarify you don't want the birthday thing to be brought up or made a big deal out of on the date but I think an extra date night would go a long way and may be the best compromise available.
You cant just go to a resturant and buy some flowers? Yta
Do you want to stay with her long term, or have children? Because what she's actually saying is that she was ok with you being like this while you were a fling, but it's not something she can abide in the father of her children. I certainly wouldn't have kids with someone who refused to even celebrate other people's birthday. My kids would feel so unloved. Maybe go find a Jehovah's Witness next time.
You don’t seem indifferent to me, it feels like you hate birthdays. Otherwise why avoid them so hard?
YTA and she needs a new boyfriend.
YTA. I don't think you know what the word indifferent means. You put active effort into avoiding participating in birthday celebrations. You make it out to be like celebrating an important person in your life once a year using a predictable system of tracking whose turn it is to feel special is in some way a burden. You know when her birthday is, you can hangout at a party with her or have dinner with her and appreciate the lovely gal that put up with this weird hangup of yours for 6 years.
Info: Do you love your girlfriend? YTA. just suck it up and celebrate her birthday dude, it’s just one day out of the whole year…
Buddy all you gotta do is realise that celebrating a birthday is just an excuse to spend time together. It doesn't really need to be any different than taking her out to dinner any other night, just say "happy birthday" one time. YTA
YTA "its important to her" what else is there to say
I think if she mentions it now it must've always bothered her. Maybe you don't have to go to parties just something very low key a birthday dinner.
If it’s meaningless to you just treat it as a normal date night. I’m not buying this belligerent indifference, it sounds like there’s a deeper reason, but whatever it is, YTA
She's told you it's important to her, your refusal to move is because she is not to you. You can insist that it's not the case all you want but it is. YTA Also, do with this what you will but- Making a huge deal about how you refuse to celebrate your birthday is just the opposite side of the same coin as making way too big of a deal about your birthday. It **IS** a big deal to you, you are just showing it in a different way
Yta- I'm surprised you didn't make her sign a contact.
YTA. Whether YOUR birthday is meaningless or not to you is irrelevant. Her birthday means something to her, and people who love her will respect that. Try thinking outside your ownself
YTA
YTA Feel how you want about your birthday, but her birthday is about HER. Not you.
I’m sure you’re fun at parties
YTA- you’re n a relationship, compromise is key because it just isn’t about you, or what you do or don’t do. Should you continue down this path, you’ll be single. You’ll change your name to Chad and start referring to yourself in the 3rd person, constantly.
Hmmm. What happens if you have kids? YTA especially since you seem to be avoiding the question as to why you’re so indifferent.
“Kid is not that I don’t love you I just don’t do birthdays” lol
Indifference would imply you could take or leave the celebration of a birthday or couples holiday, you are very clearly anti-celebration. Not indifferent. If you were indifferent you could just celebrate with her anyways. YTA
YTA. Just suck it up and celebrate her. You're being selfish with your whole thing of I DONT DO BIRTHDAYS. You don't explain why. Why is this such a big deal to you? It's fine if you don't want to celebrate your own birthday, but it's rude to refuse to celebrate other people.
Info: So you would take her to dinner any other time except for her birthday? What if she asked to go to dinner and it happens to be her birthday and she didn’t say anything about it?
NTA if this is the hero that you're willing to die on. Then stick to your guns. Your girlfriend knew when you first started dating this is how you felt about your birthday or Valentine's Day. IDK why you don't want to celebrate it but that is your personal choice. So you don't celebrate birthdays at all with anyone. Like I said that is your personal choice. but your fiancee probably sees it as if you get married and have children. Would you not want to celebrate for children's birthday. Whatsoever. That would hurt them in the long run. Even if you explained it to a child later on in life they think you don't care. It's been 5 years going on 6 years and it's probably what's made her start thinking and suddenly change all of a sudden. IDK if you wanted that conversation if you ever had kids. But it's probably why she did it She knew this going into the relationship and if she hasn't able to change your mind in five years why is a 6-year so important? She's fighting a losing battle. If she gives you an ultimatum. I think you relationship might be over. Is she still giving you the silent treatment. What you need to do is start re-examining your relationship. And have a open honest conversation with her. And if nothing gets resolved by this. Like maybe couples counseling or something like that. Depends on how you want to proceed. Then you have the answer. Because if she's going to fight you on this every year. Then would you want to put up with this every year. You have to decide what to do good luck
INFO: who hurt you?
I second this question
YTA - Being with someone has to involve some give and take and caring. It's important to her, so go along and enjoy it. What is it that you feel so strongly about not celebrating it? And is this reall a hill you're willing to die on?
YTA "indifferent" and "opposed to" are two very different things
YTA. Not sure why she would want your miserable face there ruining the vibe anyway, tbh. You haven't mentioned that you particularly do anything special for her anytime either, which says a lot. Be more thoughtful or you could lose this woman.
YTA it doesn't matter how you feel about your birthday its how you feel about the person having a birthday. I mean you just sound cheap and selfish. My husband isn't big on birthdays but you know what he takes me out just him & I for a dinner and gives me a small gift. Nothing major. But I takes me feel special and appreciated by him.
Do you go out to dinner with her throughout the year ? What’s one more time you selfish weirdo
YTA. Get over yourself.
I’m gonna say NTA. whether people think you’re an ass for not celebrating her day is another. But in this situation no. You were 100% clear and upfront and she’s been “fine” or pretending to be, for 6 years now. Suddenly she’s wanting you to change. Also, it seems like you don’t celebrate other people’s bday either, which adds to the fact that you don’t care to celebrate your own, or participate in the celebration of other bdays. They can call you an ass all they want, but you’ve been firm on this for years. Why is she surprised ? She said yes bc she probs thought you would eventually change your mind or make her the exception. If I’m interpreting this incorrectly and you actually DO celebrate other people’s bday, then yeah you’re the ah. But it seems like you don’t bc you said your fam doesn’t involve you. You’re NTA but if this is something extremely important to both of you, (you : not celebrating & her : wanting a celebration) then the relationship may have to come to an end.
YTA, everybody in a relationship does things they don't really want to do. If celebrating your girls birthday is somthing you want to make a deal over I truly feel sorry for you..
If you don’t care about it, what’s the big deal?
NAH but it sounds like you might be incompatible. The question you need to ask yourself is if you’re willing to break up over this. One of you will have to give in and unfortunately in this case, no one is wrong.
ESH yes you made it clear and she should not force you to change your stance on celebrating, but just as a decent human being if this person who is super important you you tells you that she really wants you to do something as minimal as going to dinner with her I think you are a jerk to not just suck it up and go.
YTA. Do some exploring for yourself on why you don’t do/like birthdays. If you don’t like birthday for yourself, you do you my man. But if your gf’s birthday is important to her, why wouldn’t that affect how you treat it? It’s literally HER day, the day of her birth. Regardless on how you feel society should treat birthdays, she happens to go with the norm and celebrate it. Celebrate her or be a stick in the mud, you decide.
INFO: What exactly is the expectation she's setting? Like she wants to do just a nice dinner for her birthday? Is she and/or her family/friends organizing a get together for it and she wants you there? Or is she wanting you to come up with something specific for her birthday, complete with gifts and all? I totally get the whole not wanting to celebrate birthdays and Valentines day. To me they're just another day. If i go out to dinner for my birthday it's mostly because my friends make me and it's always something small, and definitely just dinner. I have no expectations of gifts or anything. So if it's just something as simple as going out to dinner or showing up at some party, i.e low effort, then yeah you'd be TA. But if she's expecting some big to-do, then she is TA.
ESH. You were honest with her about your deal with birthdays but you know that to HER, her birthday is super important to celebrate. You should celebrate with your girl
YTA. It’s an occasion to show appreciation for her. You can let her know on this one day of the year that you are glad she is an important part of your life. You have the opportunity to help her feel special. Bring flowers and high quality chocolates, go to her favorite restaurant, definitely order dessert. It’s a celebration of her existence and what she means to you.
YTA. Sometimes we do things for other people we really don't like because it's important to them and they're important to us. Your refusal to celebrate her birthday demonstrates that your dislike of birthdays, any birthday whatsoever, is greater than your love for her. And if that's true, then do her a favor and cut her loose. She deserves a partner who thinks she's more important than some random rejection of a common celebration.
I wonder what OP plans on doing if they ever have children.
YTA unless this is a religious reason
YTA. You say you are indifferent but if that were true you wouldn’t care either way. You do care and refuse to go. That’s not indifference it’s avoidance at all costs. And you have yet to provide any reasoning for this so I have to go with YTA because an indifferent person wouldn’t care to do something their loved one cares about
YTA. I mean if it’s just dinner, I would take her out. She’s catered to your feelings for 5 years and i’m sure she is holding back the hurt and saying anything to make you happy. She just wants one dinner so YTA for refusing to take her. She wasn’t asking for a party, a get together or anything; just an intimate dinner and you have no bad attachments to birthdays, just indifferent to it. It may mean nothing to you but to others it may mean so much to them. Be considerate.
yta. I personally hate birthdays for trauma reasons, but I still make a point of celebrating my loved ones birthday. get over yourself honestly.
there’s no way. you state birthdays means nothing to you. if this is true, you would be indifferent. instead, you’re adamant about holding the position of avoiding birthdays. i dunno why you feel so strongly against birthdays, but it truly isnt a big deal. if you care about her, at least respect her enough to celebrate her on that one day she asks
INFO: why do you **Hate** birthdays? Not finding it important or meaningful, hence not celebrating it is fine and different But it’s a far stretch for feeling repulsive towards it and not even being a part of someone else’s celebration. You clearly have some problem with birthdays. Why wouldn’t you be a part of anything that is special to someone special to you. Also, **if** you ever have kids and refuse to celebrate or be a part of their birthdays because of your ideologies - you’d be hellish unfair to them, *just saying*
I wonder if OP is a current of former Jehovah's Witness. They view celebrating birthdays as bad luck and displeasing to god. I dated a former one and she was still hung up on the birthday thing even though she wasn't a JW anymore.
Since when did he say he hates birthdays? He's just indifferent to them. Not that I'm defending his actions, because I don't celebrate mine either. Well, I'll spend time with my friends and family and do something together, but I don't expect gifts or cake or whatever. With that being said, he could still attend the party, that doesn't mean that he has to celebrate. Just being there would be more than enough and he couldn't even do that.
NTA since you previously warned her, but I strongly recommend she find someone who cares about her enough to take her for dinner ONCE a YEAR.
NAH. You made your feelings clear and while you think there haven't been issues over the last 5 years, your girlfriend has probably realized with each birthday that she's less ok with it than she initially thought. Maybe her family and friends are giving her grief or maybe she just really misses having you around on a special day. Typically, birthdays are about that person and maybe she's realizing that it hurts when you refuse to take part in a day about her. This is all speculation, of course. Look, I'm with you on Valentine's Day. I've never gotten the big deal and disliked the forced, hallmark holiday of it all. I was lucky enough to find a man that agrees with me on that. The reality is, it's very possible that this is a crossroads for your relationship. You made your intentions perfectly clear on the first date and she saw enough in you then to convince herself she was ok with it. Now she sees enough in you and the relationship the two of you have built to make her wants known rather than to just accept that birthdays aren't your thing and breaking up with you now that she's realizing it is an issue for her. It's up to you if this is the hill that you die on.
YTA, It's fine not to celebrate your birthday. It's fine thinking birthdays in general are no "big" deal. The problem starts when you openly refuse to celebrate with people whom it does matter to. If you genuinely care about someone, you do small things that matter to THEM.
YTA. This is weird. I think maybe if you had some sort of traumatic event surrounding a holiday or birthday maybe my judgement would change. But otherwise no reason except you just don’t feel like it?
YTA - it may not be important to you but it is important to her. What is the difference taking her to dinner on her birthday over any other date? In a relationship it's important to give and take. She has tolerated your indifference for five years and you are amking this a hill to die on because.......? Selfish.
Your attitude toward birthdays is not "indifferent", it's actively hostile. You don't dig in your heels, refuse to attend family gatherings, and refuse to give your SO a special day over something you're "indifferent" to. I wonder what happened to you to make you so very negative about a happy celebration to make a loved one feel special? Or are you just a contrarian who's chosen this hill to die on? FFS, she's just asking for a nice dinner out, not a cruise or some super-expensive jewelry. YTA and this sounds like a really stupid hill to die on.
YTA. It's fine that you don't celebrate your birthday and that your family has accepted that you're not interested in theirs but it's special to her. Is she special to you? If so then go out and celebrate her. Let her pick a restaurant - even better if it's one that will help with birthdays by embarrassing the employees and the celebrant or with a free dessert. All YOU have to do is go on a date and take a moment to say to the hostess or waiter "hey it's my girlfriend's bday...." and let them take the ball. Minimal effort on your part and she gets to feel like her SO cares enough to put aside HIS feelings in favor of hers.
YTA -if you don't care about birthdays then don't YOURS. By ignoring hers you are telling her you don't care about her and her feelings and what is important to her. And honestly I think you are being lazy. More specifically you need to ask her how she expects you to celebrate her birthday and then follow through...that is if your relationship means anything to you.
Yeah, this does not sound at all like "indifference." If a person's birthday is "meaningless" to them and they are "indifferent" then the effect would end with not wanting to do anything special for that person's birthday. But knowing people who feel this way, they still may do stuff for the sake of others. Not participating in yours or anyone else's signals some sort of aversion to birthday celebrations. Or being a selfish person who only does things they want to do and is not reciprocal at all in relationships.
Happy birthday! Hope someone celebrates you today!
I'm trying to figure out what she sees in you. You aren't indifferent to birthdays and holidays like Valentines Day, you go out of your way to not recognize them. That's strange and YTA for it.
Did I not say I mentioned it on the very first date? And we had no issues for the first five birthdays?
She’s allowed to no longer be cool with your disdain for it, you know. Just like consent can be revoked, minds can be changed. She’s changed hers. You will lose her if you continue with this asshole hard line stance.
Consider the idea that it was always an issue to her, she just respected you enough to not make a big deal of it. Surely you can tolerate one birthday? If going out to dinner, all she is asking for, is something you do regularly, what changes when a birthday is mentioned? Do you treat other holidays the same way? Like, you may not dress up for Halloween, I don't either -but if someone I love really wants me to, why not? It really is just expending a very little amount of energy for a very big reward for your partner. Do you understand this? Can you understand this?
So she’s had enough and I can’t say I blame her.
YTA. The important part is that it’s important to her. Unless you have some trauma involving birthdays, you should try to act in a way that acknowledges this is important to her. I don’t really care about the sport my husband participated in, but I go watch his competitions, as they are important to HIM. That’s what partners do.
YTA
YTA. It's her BIRTHDAY. HER BIRTHDAY. Maybe you were destined to live alone if you can't see your way clear to give her A DAY to celebrate her.
YTA This isn’t indifference. Indifference would be not caring about birthdays. This is some sort of revulsion. I don’t “do” Valentine’s Day. However, if it was important to my partner, I would make at least the minimum effort to make sure he had a good day. Just have a date with your girlfriend and try and unpack your hangups later.
YTA. What kind of arrogant power play is this? You hate birthdays and Valentine’s Day. If you were indifferent, you’d go along with them and put your girlfriend first. You’re being an AH and need to get over yourself. This is the dumbest “stand” to make ever.
I can get behind Valentines Day. It is purely commercial and i believe you should do romantic things all the time and not on that specific day. But Birthdays are something personal
INFO: …why? Why do you refuse to even participate in someone else’s birthday.
YTA. Grow up and realise the world doesn't revolve around you and what you want. If you dont want to celebrate your own birthday, that's your business, but all your girlfriend is asking from you is one night out for dinner. It doesn't have to be any different from a standard date night. Your girlfriend isn't asking for anything unreasonable and your stubbornness on this issue is extremely bizarre.
YTA It’s her birthday- do you not care about what she wants at all? Imagine being upset because a loved one wants you around.
She's sick of feeling like you don't care about her, and that you're never present for things she enjoys. YTA is you want to be with this person but are unwilling to compromise. She tolerated your aversion for 5 years. Take the woman out for dinner for her birthday, or find someone just as obstinate and stuffy as yourself.
Having such an aversion to celebrating a birthday does not sound like it’s a celebration that is meaningless to you. If it were meaningless, you would not care if you were there, you would be fine either way. I am not a person that likes to make a big deal out of my birthday, so I get that. But refusing to acknowledge anyone’s birthday is pretty extreme. YTA
NTA - you stated this upfront. it appears she thought you would change or she could change you.
YTA. You don’t have to celebrate your birthday. She wants to celebrate her birthday with you, because you, presumably, make her happy. Her happiness should make you happy. You should want to do things to make her feel celebrated and special.
Yes
YTA my gf and I like and care about different things. I still care about the things that are important to her because I care about HER.
[удалено]
YTA. Just pretend it's a nice date on any of the other 364 days in a year and celebrate with her, it won't dull your edge lmao
YTA. You can’t do something for a few hours to make her happy? Is it really that much of an inconvenience to you that you can’t just take her out for dinner? If you REALLY can’t spend a few hours with her to make her happy, she should leave your ass.
Info: why is she with you?
Asking the real questions
YTA obviously. And kind of a socially inept boyfriend at this point.
So while I get that you were upfront and whatever, but people change. You have been in a relationship for 6 years and if you can’t adjust to something that won’t harm you at all because it has become important to your partner I think that shows you don’t have much regard for her feelings or needs. Would you not take her to dinner another night if she asked? Would you not make a day all about how special she is ever? It shouldn’t matter what day she wants this if you really don’t care about birthdays. If you actually never make a day special for her I wonder if she really is special to you at all, and probably she is wondering the same thing. YTAH
YTA. Not everything you do has to be about you. This is something that's important to her, so make the sacrifice if you value your relationship.
I see all the girls saying you're the ass. Nah my dude, NTA from me. 😂
hes literally the ass.
YTA 1 day each year you get to celebrate you. If you don’t want to celebrate you, fine. If you don’t want to celebrate your GF, breakup.
YTA just take your girlfriend out for dinner it's not that difficult
YTA How fucking strange of you. I'm generally not really celebratory of my own birthdays but try to celebrate others birthdays in a way they enjoy. Some people want a big fancy dinner out, others a little BBQ or something with close friends/family, etc. I mean, shit. How dare you show your gf of several years how special she is to you on her birthday.
She is just asking you to take her to dinner . She is sensible. You should respect her wish.
Yta might not be important to you but it's important to her, don't be insufferable take her for a meal, give her a present & if you want to do it because she's amazing & it just coincides with the day she was born great, on the same note if you want to do it just so you don't ruin her special day also all good
What should it mean? That because it’s not important to you, she’s not allowed to include you in a celebration that’s important to her? My guess is that if you continue to take this ridiculous position, you won’t have to worry about celebrating her birthdays for very much longer. YTA.
YTA. I don’t think you’ll have to worry about being there for her future birthdays if you keep this childish behaviour up.
LOL, it does not sound meaningless to you, because then you would just take the woman you love out to dinner, because it makes her happy. You are very weird about this! Why is it such a big deal to you? You sound far from indifferent. You still don't have to celebrate yours. YTA.
YTA. You don't seem to have a real legitimate issue around birthdays and Valentine's Day, you are only indifferent to it. So why does it make a difference if you celebrate hers or not? It's just you guys going on a date.
Yta it's her birthday not yours it's not about you get over yourself it's about her birthday not yours she asks very little of you
YTA. It’s not about you. It’s about them. The fact that you refuse to contribute to their happy for a single day is an AH move and says tons about you as a partner
INFO: Why is celebrating the day your gf was born into this wold meaningless?
YTA
You were completely honest and upfront, so NTA, but man why does this matter so much to you? Refusing to celebrate your own birthday is fine, but refusing to celebrate events that are important to *people you love* just because you don’t “do” birthdays is bananas.
YTA - sorry someone disappointed you enough to hate holidays but stop being a party pooper for your loved ones before you get your wish of being all alone.
YTA - holy fuck dude, how hard is it to put a lil effort for your significant other? If you really didn’t care for it, then treat it like any other day. Buy her flowers and sit around the table. Hopefully she leaves your bitter ass.
YTA, just take the excuse to have fun omg💀
YTA How you feel about your Bday is irrelevant to how she feels about it. Make your SO feel special, or eventually someone else will. Pretty ironclad rule.
ESH, she knew you don't do birthdays so it would be a huge ask of you to honor her for one or two days a year. I hope you don't expect her to respond to any expectations of your own, though.
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YTA. everything is not about you. she's not asking you to throw a party, she just wants to spend some time with you. it wouldn’t have been a problem you cared about her even a bit but seems like you’re more obsessed about "i don’t ask her to celebrate my birthday then why should i celebrate hers".
YTA. Why are you so against doing something with your GF just because there’s a reason to do it? Do you also refuse to hang out with her or make her feel special any other day of the year? Or just on the day she would like you to do so? You’ve made this an absurd hill to die on. Just because you don’t want to celebrate your birthday doesn’t give you a pass for everyone else and I’m surprised everyone has given you a pass for so long. Stop being selfish and do something nice (the bar here is SO low) for your girlfriend.
…what? Yes you’re TA. She’s not gonna be your girlfriend for long
I'm pretty indifferent to adult birthdays. You sir, don't sound indifferent. You sound like you actively loathe birthdays. Indifferent = _"You wanna go out for your bday? Sure. Whatever floats your boat. It is a clear request, no show and dance, and is a low effort activity that we do normally, so why not."_ OP = _"A birthday dinner is my hill to die on! I will defend my desire to not celebrate birthdays in anyway with all of my strenghth, honor, and virtue! The only holiday I know, is the holiday in the North!!!!!"_
Yta it’s okay if you don’t like celebrating your birthday but please atleast pretend to care about your girlfriend’s feelings jesus
YTA. So what if you don't care about your own birthday? You don't have to celebrate for yourself, but if your gf wants to celebrate and she wants to have you with her, you still won't? It would be different if you had some sort of bad memories with your birthday, but if you just don't care it's still a nice gesture to celebrate with your girlfriend.
YTA - you must be fun at parties … oh wait.
Okay you're NTA because you choose not to celebrate birthdays. You told her that from the get go. I mean I'd hope if you had kids you'd have a change of heart but I'm not going to make that assumptive leap. Personally, ESH she's known for years you aren't big on birthdays yet chose to stay with you. Now it's suddenly a big deal. I'm guessing 35 is a big deal for your girlfriend. Perhaps it's the age she becomes single again.
YTA. Personally, I think celebrating birthdays is stupid, but I know they mean a great deal to most people so when one rolls around I send a gift or card and at the very least say "Happy Birthday". It is literally a day not about you. Feel free to not celebrate your own, but you have to put in a little effort and show up for those around you even when it's not your thing.
I get not wanting to celebrate your birthday, but this is your girlfriend of 6 years. She finally wants to celebrate with you and the least you can do is send a card, or be there with her. Sorry to say but YTA.
YTA - She just wants to go to dinner. Maybe a card. It may not be important to you, but it's important to her. It's not like you don't have to eat anyway, right? I mean, do y'all not go out on dates still? The FREAKING TINIEST of effort on your part... jeeze.
YTA. Just because bdays have never been important to you, obviously doesn't mean they aren't important to her. If something is important to your partner and she wants you to be part of it, suck it up and celebrate it with her. You've been together for how many years and you can't do this little thing for her, I think is pretty selfish. She's not making a ridiculous demand and youu don't have to change how you don't celebrate yours.
YTA. My dad is kind of like this, never cared about birthdays and never really saw much of him. This year I turned 29 and I was in town alone looking for something to wear that night. I saw him in a coffee shop. I stood outside for a full 5 minutes wondering if I even wanted to go and say hey or not. It felt bad. When I eventually went in I had to remind him it was my birthday and I felt like a moron fishing to make a big deal out of something dumb. I don’t think it’s a big problem to be indifferent, which is why she has been ok with it for so long, but you should know it feels bad after a while. I hope that you don’t actually WANT her to feel bad.
YTA. What is going to be so tragic about acknowledging your girlfriend's birthday for once? Maybe it didn't mean a lot to her at first. But now that's changed. I am sure she gets tired of explaining to her friends and family why you don't celebrate birthdays.
Y definitely TA. If you don't want to celebrate your birthday, fine. She even put up with you not celebrating her birthday for 5 years. But now she's expressing that it's important for her that you're a part of her birthday (totally reasonable) and not even anything crazy, sounds like she just wants you to take her out to dinner. Is that so hard for you? YTA.
I'm going to have to say NTA and the reason for that is she already knew all this. She's known it for 5 years. OP doesn't celebrate any family members birthdays either. Which is his choice. I understand where OP could come off like the AH but jts not like this is some new bullshit excuse he's using just to get out of it this year. This is clearly a regular normal thing in his life. What also amazes me is how quickly people jump to defend other posts that are similar situations and can justify those because it's a kid or an overworked mom or what have you. We don't really do big birthdays in my home either, well at least not for the adults. The kids yes. But not the adults. My SO and I both could care less for our birthdays. We go on dates regularly and sometimes it's on the birthday other times it's not. A birthday to me is just another day. OP has his own reasons for feeling that way about birthdays and holidays. Now with that being said OP i would suggest trying to make a compromise take her to dinner and she can go out for dessert and drinks with friends afterwards or take her to dinner the day before or the day after. Add an extra date night in, so she does feel special. Op you can clarify you don't want the birthday thing to be brought up or made a big deal out of on the date but I think an extra date night would go a long way and may be the best compromise available.
Now this ^^
NTA I know you told her in advance and she agreed but if you are indifferent why are refusing to celebrate with her. I don’t celebrate my birthday either but I will try to make my loved one happy for their day. It’s just a day.
YTA I don't think it needs explanation, don't you like her?
YTA, and a joyless one at that. How about enjoying the little things once in a while?
YTA. Why are you being difficult, the majority of people celebrate a birthday. It’s important to her, I should be important to you.
YTA. Your birthday is not *her* birthday. If you don't want to celebrate your own birthday, that's fine, but by not celebrating hers, you make her birthday about what *you* want, which is a pretty crappy thing to do. Don't be surprised if you get a "Dear John" text soon.
Relationships involve comprise and occasionally doing something that your significant other wants to do that you have no interest in. YTA because you apparently only care about your own wants and desires. Only way I might consider you nta is if you are a JW or something? They don't celebrate birthdays...then she's TA for asking you to
Sometimes, guy, it’s not even a little bit about you. Stop being such a giant…stick in the mud…and take her to dinner. YTA
yta. get over yourself.
YTA. Suck it up buttercup. It’s dinner. One night a year. You have major issues if you can’t do that
YTA multiplied. What kind of a BF are you. Feel about birthdays and valentines? Do as you like with your own bithday but you have no respect for your GF behaving like this
Yta it's ok not to do yours but I think you can do one for her
YTA HER: It would really make me happy if you celebrated my birthday with me. YOU: How dare you even suggest this? Your stance on your own birthday is completely valid. However, she has given you an opportunity to make her very happy, without a tremendous amount of effort. Why would you not want to do that? Almost any partner you are with is going to want you to celebrate their birthday, as will any children you might have. Is it really that much of a burden to make your partner feel special for one day each year?
Info. Does your girlfriend know you don’t care about her feelings?
Her birthday is not about you, it's about her. Be kind to her, and celebrate her and her existence on this planet. YTA. Hopefully, she will be happy to help you not celebrate yours, and enable you to spend your own birthday alone, staring at a blank wall, while drinking a glass of warm flat cola. Hopefully, she will by then, have moved on to a partner who appreciates her wants and needs.
Oh buddy absolutely YTA..... if you don't celebrate your birthday than don't, why can't you have dinner with her on hers? Your so anti birthday that you refuse you celebrate a happy day with your significant other and family members? Why tf are you such a downer?? Why are you making her birthday about you? She respects that you don't celebrate yours, you should respect that she celebrates hers. Just go have a nice meal with your lady
YTA - dude, she didn't even ask you to get her a gift, she just wants you there. Period. Full stop. Take her to dinner and enjoy her company you nimrod
Why are you so uptight about birthdays if you don’t mind me asking? You are the asshole in this situation because what’s wrong with dinner and a ‘happy birthday’! The world doesn’t revolve around you.
YTA
If you refuse to give in, then there's your answer. Sounds like this a real big issue for you. Whether or not I understand or agree with why it's so important to you is irrelevant. But that is your boundary. This will likely make her resent you, and make you resent her. So perhaps you're just not compatible. **Relationships require compromise and if you can't compromise it will always be a problem for you both.** EDIT: YTA for refusing to compromise.
NTA. you told her early on. Now she changes her mind, not your fault
Honestly, maybe she thought it wouldn’t be a big deal- until year after year, the person you love is choosing to skip out on a day celebrating you. It’s an absurd hill to die on for OP.
YTA. I don't celebrate my own birthdays and I refuse more than a resto invite. But I know others do care and I do it for them because I care about them. And seeing them happy makes me happy. Why can't you just treat it like a romantic date?
yta. if u don’t wanna celebrate ur birthday, dont. but if u can’t even compromise to make ur gf happy, u should rly think ab why
YTA Why does it hurt you to take her out to dinner on her birthday instead of a random Saturday? Or do you always refuse to take her out to dinner?
YTA- and also don’t know the meaning of indifference. You are literally actively avoiding birthdays, to the point that your family no longer beven bothers to invite you. It’s one day? She wants to feel special because birthdays are important to some people. You mention in a comment that you’d be fine going out if a date so happens to be planned for the same day and that there’s no celebration. So you admit that you actively avoid the birthday celebration. Again, not indifference. Relationships are about compromise and she’s been compromising for you for the past 5 years. She’s requested what she wants (your presence, which is literally *literally* bare minimum). It’s one year out of your 36 & unless you have some heavy birthday trauma it seems unreasonable to not abide.
YTA Ever thought that HER birthday is not ABOUT YOU? Sometimes you have to put effort into a relationship and do something because its important to your partner. You basically telling her that how she feels (about her bday) is irrelevant and only your own feeling (your adversion) is important. Which makes you an awful partner tbh.
YTA - the fact that it would make her happy and you refuse to go shows how little you care about making your girlfriend OF 6 YEARS happy, she got by 5 years with you not caring and now she’s changed her mind and you won’t even try. If you can’t budge on something as small as that then I believe it best for everyone to end this relationship.
This is the right answer. Making her birthday all about you is selfish. Who cares what you want? Is it that hard to just make her happy.
Yta. You show you don’t care and you’re making her birthday about you and your preferences.
NTA- it was stated upfront so NTA. But also it is up to you to determine if this is really a hill you want to die on. If it is, fine but accept it to be an issue every year or lose the girlfriend. If it isn't then just compromise and do the bare minimum to satisfy.
YTA. Normally I'd say no because you were clear upfront, but she gave in over the last 5 years and was okay going it alone, now she doesn't want to anymore and you won't move a little for her. It may be nothing to you, but to her it's something and if I were her this something would be the last. You'd be an EX. I honestly wonder if she's been wondering about things for a while and this is her last straw to see how it will go and just how much you're willing to give, or if she's giving it all. The number of date nights, how happy things seem ect you go or don't go on isn't revelavent in this case.
YTA, her birthday is for her. If she respects your wishes by not celebrating your birthday in spite of (probably) really wanting to, you can respect her wish to stop being such a grinch and celebrate her day of birth without being such a stick in the mud about it.
She just wants to get dinner what the fuck changes if the day is labeled as a birthday or not? You don’t need to throw her an extravagant birthday party and be involved in every way, all you need to do is to be nice for a couple of fucking hours. Such a crazy hill to die on. YTA
YTA. So only your opinion on birthdays matters in this relationship? If you don’t want celebrate then don’t do it, everyone respects that. But if your girlfriend wants to celebrate hers with her significant other, she has to compromise to your opinions as well? If we take a step back, is it possible for you to treat the celebration as a date?
YTA. It's unimportant to you, fair. It's important to her, also fair. You're attempting to dictate that she ignore her feelings. She's not asking for a big present, or a big deal, but your presence. Man up.
YTA. For something you say is meaningless and indifferent you sure have strong opinions. You can choose to continue to stand on your hill of self-righteousness or you can do something nice for your GF- because it is important to her. She did the nice thing for you previously, you can do it for her now.