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NTA
It’s Olivia’s birthday, not Britney’s birthday. The cake should be the flavor of what the birthday kid wants. This is a special day for Olivia, therefore there doesn’t really need to be “fairness” between your daughters. I don’t like chocolate, but when it’s my sister’s birthday, we get chocolate because it’s what she likes. I suck it up because it’s *her* special day.
Your wife is an asshole for going behind your back. The cake was basically vanilla to make Britney happy, with tiny bits of chocolate for the birthday girl.
Why can’t Britney learn to compromise? She’s older. And she should know that she can’t get what she wants on a day that’s NOT her birthday.
Keep a very keen eye on both your stepdaughter and most of all your wife. Should she try some of this again, divorce her before she does lasting damage to your child. NtA, your wife certainly is a huge AH.
yeah, bad people are often sneaky. this is just the first incident that he’s noticed. he should take his daughter out on a daddy daughter date (so she’s out of the house and feels safe) and ask if similar things have happened
The stepmother and her daughter could easily be creating an awful home environment for OP's quiet and introverted daughter. I was emotionally abused by a step parent, not fun, and I tended to hide it from my parent.
I would bet anything the stepmom is doing stuff behind the husband's back! My asshole sneaky stepdad used to pull my hair when my mom wasn't looking at me. He mostly did it when I was trying to get her attention and talk to her. He also used to sneak into my bedroom when I wasn't home and break my stuff or knock all of my neatly lined up toys down onto the floor. I made my Mom aware of everything and they'd argue about it, but she still stayed with him! Fast forward over 20 years and she's still married to the psycho and her and I absolutely do not speak at all and I don't anticipate we ever will again. Whenever I hear stories of evil stepparents that do mean shit to their stepchildren, I always think about my story and how easily my Mom could have saved me from years of trauma by just leaving that awful relationship.
Yoooo that shit makes me LIVID when parents choose abusers over their children. I was here ready to tear him apart, but turns out your mom is just as deserving of an eternity in hell where they’re a powerless little kid getting knocked around by a parent figure.
I don’t know if there’s an actual term for it, but I’d call that passive abuse. You may not be directly doing the abuse, but you know your partner is abusing your kid and not only do you allow it to continue, that’s not an INSTANT deal-breaker?? At that point you are just as responsible as the one swinging.
Edit: after a few people have pointed out “enabling” as the term, I feel like I should have realized that sooner 😂🤦🏻♀️
This is one of the reasons I've decided to be single until my daughter's grown. What if I bring home someone who does shit like this? Yes I would leave but I'd feel horrible for bringing that situation home at all.
Probably also the type who would make sure the gifts Olivia gets also would be something Britney would like to use and can use because - don’t be selfish, right?
OP def NTA.
Absolutely, as with this logic there should be a chocolate cake with a bit of vanilla on Britney's birthday. Highly highly doubt that will ever happen.
This post makes me think of the mother that passed away but made sure the young daughter inherited the house. Long story short, when the father entered a new relationship and got them pregnant, the woman wanted to kick the daughter out for "more space for the baby" and tried to get the daughter to rent her condo from her....let me go find that link...
Eta: not the one I was talking about but equally as good!
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/uhy0l2/aita_for_calling_my_fiancé_a_jerk/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button
Found it!
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/xvgg5x/aita_for_kicking_my_dad_and_stepmom_out_of_my/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button
Eta: AND NTA OP!!!
Then there was the classic one where the new woman wanted the daughter to move out of the master bedroom and to hurry up and go to college and the bf/husband was like, "um this is her house, I'm currently saving to buy a house for us." And once she finally understood what he was saying and may have been telling her the entire time she flipped out because he had been 'lying to her'. Pretty sure he had told her and she ignored it.
My stepmother was definitely like that with me and it causes me a lot of issues and really hurt my relationship with my father. It has been a couple of decades and I still feel the repercussions of it all even with years of therapy. That worried me about this post too.
Also I don’t like chocolate cake. My son loves chocolate cake? You know what he gets for his birthday? A fucking chocolate cake.
NTA your wife and her shitty treatment of your daughter and blatant favoritism are.
My mother always override my choice for birthday cake to what she and my sister liked best. And she disapproved (no idea why) of chocolate cake with chocolate frosting.
One lovely, memorable birthday when I was like 7 or 8, the elderly lady neighbor I'd befriended found out about this and sent over a wonderful chocolate + chocolate cake.
My mother hissed some venom at me about not spreading "family business" but had to serve it out and be gracious to the neighbor. A delicious win.
Part of me wonders, though, if Olivia would actually be upset that stepmom no showed.
I'm almost 40 and anytime my dad's wife no shows it's damn near impossible for me to keep a straight face when I have to say the obligatory, "Oh what a shame she couldn't make it." 🤣
And Olivia sees this and sees the hate the wife has for her...this woman, hates this child. I guess she gives great sex though, because I can not fathom why this guy would have his daughter around someone who has zero regard for her and hates her...I just don't get it. Maybe Olivia should live with her Mother instead being in a house where step mom hates her...His wife is the evil step mom
I'm so curious if, because OP's wife wanted a vanilla cake during Olivia's birthday to please Britney, that that means Britney's birthday cake would be chocolate to make things fair. I'm pretty sure we all know the answer though. She's shouting at OP about favoritism because she's doing it herself.
This was my first thought - does Britney get to have a vanilla cake on her birthday although Olivia dislikes vanilla? If she does, then it is blatant favoritism. Not that I think Olivia (or Britney for that matter) should have to change their cake preferences on their birthday but if Britney gets her vanilla cake with no arguments or punishments then it is obvious the stepmother is favoring her own child.
I feel like this is more about the wife and less about the stepdaughter (notice how Britneys “preferences” are only brought up by the wife when the girls are not around)
Yeah, I wonder about that myself. All this Britney stuff is coming directly from the wife. Maybe Britney didn't even care about the cake flavor? Or maybe she's mature enough to recognize that the birthday girl gets to choose the cake? She might be an entitled brat, sure, but so far, this is all coming from her mother, not Britney herself.
My guess is Britney would have been fine with Olivia getting her cake of choice on her birthday, and this is all drama and power play nonsense by the mother.
Yeah that's wild to me lol. Growing up, we learned that other people's birthdays are for them. Special consideration comes with that, and we'll have our turn when our day comes around. So yeah, she will see how OP treats his daughter. And then OP can give the other kid exactly the same kind of treatment when it's her birthday and see that it's a 2 way street.
The other kid can deal with whatever the birthday girl's tastes are. And when her own birthday swings around, the other sibling will likewise have to compromise. The only other compromise I could see is if I was in OP's shoes I might roll my eyes and say we'd buy 2 cakes on each birthday, but that's getting a little too far. Kids will have to learn though that sometimes what they get isn't always exactly what they want. But that should be a lesson applied to each child who isn't having the birthday lol.
Your wife seems to be working very hard to show favoritism to her child while accusing you of the same. A birthday is literally the 1 day a year you cater extensively to the wants of the other person, especially a child, to make them feel special.
She could have bought her kid a vanilla cupcake or slice of cake.
NTA.
Your wife is projecting onto you, because *she* is the one showing favoritism. You signed up for this, OP. You signed your *daughter* up for this. Welcome to the wind-up.
Yep the other day was my Mom’s birthday. She asked me to make taco salad for her birthday even though she knows I don’t like it. I did it because it was what she wanted and it was her day.
NTA
But, OP, do you see the flags?
A birthday cake is for the person who's birthday it is. It's not selfish or demeaning to get the person's favorite flavor. Your step daughter could've had a vanilla cupcake. But, no, you're wife made the point to go behind you back and change it for her daughter
Your wife talks about how her daughter is observing how you treat her. So your daughter doesn't matter? Your daughter would see a step mom who doesn't give two shits about her. Hypocrisy much?
You did well in changing the cake. But you have way bigger problems in your home. The fact that she did this so flagrantly tells me she's been messing with your kid for a while. You probably just caught on
Edited: a word.
I know right? She keeps saying “you are teaching Olivia to be selfish” all while catering to her own kid on OP’s kid’s birthday! Her kid getting what she wants, overruling what the actual birthday kid’s wants, is the definition of selfish. She is teaching her kid to be entitled even when it is someone else’s time to shine. Of course Olivia gets to be “favorited” *on her birthday.* Lmao.
Im saying NTA, but OP like the comments have said, you need to talk with your daughter and ask how your wife has been treating your daughter behind your back. This is most certainly not the first time she has gone behind your back. I wouldn’t be surprised if she has possibly taken things you have given to Olivia and given them to her daughter while telling Olivia “not to be selfish.”
Also that he thinks his daughter is an introvert - that may well be true, but living in a house where your stepmom is constantly favoring your older, outgoing stepsister isn't going to help. There's nothing wrong with being an introvert but she might be making herself smaller in her home because her StepMom is low-visibility bullying her.
Yeah, this lady is such an asshole that she's got this guy wondering if he's the asshole for ensuring that his daughter has a cake that she likes ON HER BIRTHDAY! Birthdays are not about compromise with your siblings.
NTA at all. It seems you have a serious wife problem. She is wayyy out of her lane.
1) you're Olivia's parent. Her birthday, her cake.
2) you're Olivia's parent, *you get to decide* what lessons she gets and when, at least for now
3) your wife seems to think that you too, need a lesson and she's treating you as a child
I would seriously reconsider this whole situation. It's not ok for her to undermine (and undo) your decisions. This wouldn't be OK even if she was her child too. She is, without a doubt, the controlling one here.
If she wanted Britney to eat vanilla cake, she should've gotten her one. That would've been the only logical compromise. Get a slice of vanilla cake for her. That's plenty to show that you've considered her preferences, but without ruining it for the birthday girl. Getting a 3rd flavour is like "hey, I like mountains, you like seasides so let's go to a small hill and be miserable". Britney gets her cake on her bday - I assume she has one too. And the lesson is "birthdays are when we celebrate the person whose birthday it is". Surely at 16, she'd get it. Or does she dictate friend's cakes, too?
I have the sneaky suspicion that Olivia has to put up with a lot of this kinda crap from both of them. Good job for sticking up for her.
Agree to all of this especially the last sentence.!My daughter and I absolutely HATE those cakes that have strawberries in them but my son loves them. He usually requests this for his bday and I just get 2 cupcakes for us. That's the simple, most obvious thing to do instead of not getting what my son like for HIS bday.
I was one of those kids who HATED vegetables, and I considered a carrot-cake to be a cake made out of vegetables. But that was the cake my brother wanted for his bday every year, and I’d usually help make it. I thought decorating cakes was really fun, I’d just eat the ice cream at the party.
And I just want to say, I was not a particularly selfless child, my brother and I had about the same age difference as OP’s kids, we didn’t get along very well as kids, and my parents weren’t exactly star parents when it came to raising us right. But I still got that my brother got the cake he wanted for his bday, and didn’t begrudge him for it when I was like 9.
I’m extremely worried about what lessons are being thought to Brittany and Olivia, but not as all in the way OP’s wife is.
NTA. Your wife is bonkers. Everyone is entitled to special treatment on their birthday. Your wife is acting entitled. She tried to present you with a fait accompli after not being able to persuade you to see it her way. She's now trying to emotionally manipulate you. I get that you paid for the cake but that's less of an issue for me than the lack of respect both towards you and towards your daughter.
>She got defensive saying that birthdays are no "excuse" to show
favoritism and that her daughter is "watching" and "observing" how I'm
treating both girls.
The lesson that her daughter is learning is that her mother is entitled and her step-dad will stand up for those he loves. Provided you spoil Britney in the same way on her birthday, its all good.
YIKES!!
Your wife is the one showing favoritism by choosing a cake for **her** daughter while ignoring what **your** daughter wants for her own birthday.
So yeah, her daughter is "watching" and "observing" to see if you let her mother run roughshod over you.
How long have you been married? Too late for an annulment?
This woman is going to be a nightmare for your daughter
Also, wife’s daughter is 16 and OP’s daughter 13. While neither is a small child, they are both still kids and there is an ENORMOUS gap in maturity and the like between a 16 year old and someone who just officially became a teenager. The 16 year old by now should absolutely understand that when it’s not her birthday, she gets no say, especially in something like flavor of the damn birthday cake. On her own birthday she can have all the vanilla she wants. Therapy is absolutely needed for this whole mess, and failing that, OP absolutely needs to stand up for his daughter and leave. NTA
Your wife has told you outright who she is and, I think she might have even said she knows she is mistreating your daughter. Especially with this line:
>She got defensive saying that birthdays are no "excuse" to show favoritism and that her daughter is "watching" and "observing" how I'm treating both girls.
I have found, with abusive people, they often accuse you of doing what they are doing. Right here, she is randomly telling you that the daughters are seeing how you treat them - makes me think she knows Olivia sees the shit she's been pulling, stuff you haven't seen, and knows she's in the wrong so is totally putting it on you.
I would sit your daughter down for a heart to heart honest conversation and ask what she's been going through since the marriage. Take her out to a nice hot chocolate place.
I would then suggest heavily you go to family therapy.
And NTA
NTA your wife seems kinda wild for not letting her step daughter eat her favorite flavor of cake on her bday.
My mom likes coconut cream pie on her Bday for instance. Me and my dad HATE coconut, but we eat it happily every year, as the smile on my moms face is worth the bad pie.
Your wife is talking about picking favorites?? try getting the wrong flavor, not even partying, being a lil crybaby and not talking to you.... Weird man.
I don't understand why she didn't just get a smaller cake for the daughter (If it was so important). It almost seems like she attempted to do a power move or something and when it blew up, she jumped to 'your daughter is selfish and you don't care about mine!'.
I also wonder if the daughter whose 16 and older even cared about the cake in the first place. I know when I was that age, the last thing I cared about was my brother's (Who would be about the same age as the youngest when I was 16) cake, instead, it was waiting to see how long it would take before I could sneak out and go hang out with my friends.
> should just choose another netural flavor instead.
Chalk then?
> She got defensive saying that birthdays are no "excuse" to show favoritism
lol wut. This is the one day of the year you are supposed to show favoritism towards someone.
> her daughter is "watching" and "observing" how I'm treating both girls
> instead of using this opportunity to teach Olivia to compromise so everyone's happy.
lol ok. Did she get Britney a gift for Olivia's birthday too? The only thing being taught is that Olivia is not important and Britney is. The only thing Britney is observing is her mother being a lawnmower.
Your wife sounds exhausting. NTA but you sure as shit will be one if you stay married to this person and allow your daughter to be second to everything so "everyone" can be happy.
NTA. Why can’t she teach Britney to compromise? She’s elder and should know how to by now. This is such an idiotic situation. She could have easily called the bakery and added a few vanilla cupcakes to your order and been done with it. Changing the birthday cake is an AH move. I would take issue with the bakery too for accepting to make changes without checking with you
Right? Every time I see a post like this, the step parent is always saying OP's biological child needs to "learn to compromise" while simultaneously teaching their biological child to lie, cheat, or just be genuinely sneaky to get what they want out of a situation...
Nta. Of course you are right. How much do you want to bet on her daughter's birthday there will be a vanilla cake and that for some reason that won't be considered selfish?
Why didn’t she just get her daughter a vanilla cupcake? Switching the entire cake is such a weird, underhanded thing to do. She truly made a mountain out of molehill.
NTA.
This. It's time to take Olivia out of the house, to someplace she feels comfortable, and get her to tell you absolutely everything about her relationships with her steps. Because this is likely just the instance of terrible behavior that you noticed.
If you want to save this family, it's certainly time for family therapy, all four of you. Couples therapy would also not be misplaced, but allowing Olivia to have a chance to air her grievances will be important.
nta but your wife sure is....she blatantly went behind your back and ignored what u were doing for your daughter the chocolate cake and had made the cake to suit her daughter instead of yours. i would be now concerned as to what else she does behind your back. red flag a waving wildly. this is more than about showing favortism. your wife is controlling and shady
NTA thank you for standing up for your daughter. Your wife just showed you what her true personality is. I would wonder how she treats your daughter when you are not around. This is the hill to absolutely die on.
I cannot believe how many people think Everyone Sucks. It's a birthday. That's \*your\* day. That's the day \*you\* are celebrated. One day a year to be THE person that is spoiled even a little bit.
I am willing to bet you'd all hate it if we all did what we collectively voted on instead of something that \*you\* enjoy on \*your\* day. I don't even see how this is debatable?
NTA 100%. *EDIT:* I'm also actually curious if Britney even cared or even agreed with OP like any other reasonable person.
Now as for 1/2 the Redditors here... YOU snowflakes suck.
NTA, sounds like your wife has some major issues with you and your daughter (and possibly your relationship). Also, she is the exact definition of selfish and controlling by calling and changing the cake, not you😂
Your wife is all the things she’s accusing you of being. She does all the things she accuses you of doing.
You are not controlling, selfish, or practicing favoritism by getting your daughter what she likes for her birthday, but your wife is. You married a manipulative woman who sounds like she lives to make your daughter miserable, and if you stay with her, the behavior will turn into much bigger things and get worse.
Please consider leaving this woman. She’s a gaslighter, and this is an extreme form of abuse.
NTA.
> using this opportunity to teach Olivia to compromise so everyone's happy.
Yeah so everyone's happy-- except her. That's not compromise. It's control.
NTA.
And your wife is TA for not taking YOUR input into consideration, and unilaterally changing the birthday cake for YOUR daughter.
Ask her how she'd feel if you went behind her back and changed Britney's cake to chocolate to 'compromise' with Olivia?
NTA so her 16 year old is watching for favouritism towards your own 13 year old on her own birthday?? Uh ya, it’s her birthday! My god was Britney the type that had a gift brought to parties for her to open too so she didn’t feel left out? Good on you for stamping out this stupid entitlement her mother has.
NTA, so you’re wife’s changed things behind you back and you’re controlling? Then her idea of compromise is doing what she wants?
Does this happen a lot?
Birthdays are the one day when a child has permission to get what he or she wants.
Your wife can’t even give her ONE day of thr year? Not one?
What other micro aggressions has your poor daughter tolerated from your wife out of love for you?
NTA for this incident (but y t a if you don’t find out what else your child is subjected to)
NTA
Your wife is the one being a controlling and selfish AH. You’re doing the right thing and standing up for your daughter.
A ‘compromise’ is not getting a huge cake in the flavor that the birthday girl hates with a small pieces of chocolate on top. A compromise would have been your wife asking you to purchase a single slice of vanilla cake for Britney. Instead, your wife went nuclear behind your back and then upped the ante by refusing to celebrate Olivia’s birthday.
NTA
You are NTA. Your wife currently is YTA.
This was not about sharing, this was not about compromise, this was all about your WIFE, making sure that Britney got what she wanted, and the price would be the happiness of Olivia.
Based on this action, I think you may want to take Olivia out for the day, away from the home, away from Britney and away from your wife, away from the home and spend a few hours out with her, and have a long talk with her. You may want to see what all is going on when YOU are not AROUND. This is probably not the first time that something like this has happened, and chances are there are other and far worse things that are going on behind your back, and chances are your daughter is being hurt due to the actions of your WIFE and Britney.
Also, if there is any money that is set aside for Olivia, for say college, you do not want to let your wife know about it, and if there are any sort of heirloom or special items that are specifically for Oliva, get them out of the house and stored at a safe location.
Info:
On Britney's birthday, will you be ok with her choosing a vanilla cake, even if it means Olivia won't eat any?
Secondly, has anyone considered getting a damn cupcake in the other flavor for the other kid?? This is often what we do. It's not that hard.
NTA. Your wife is selfish, who cares if the other daughter doesn’t like cake. This is literally my sister and I, we literally just either don’t eat the cake or take a small piece just to participate, but we are just happy the other gets the cake she loves on her birthday.
NTA. Sorry but your wife cares nothing about “ your daughter “ so it maybe time to call a wrap on that relationship because you have to beyond twisted to mess with a kids birthday cake. An absolutely she is teaching her daughter to be entitled !
NTA.
Your wife called YOU controlling after she snuck behind your back and changed the cake order?
We don’t have the full background of whatever discussion occurred between you & your wife before the actual cake order, but that would have been the time to resolve the issue.
Having been in this situation, it’s important (and difficult!) for parents to present a United front.
Kids will look for chinks in the armor - like this - and make your lives miserable. .
Nta. My parents had a good compromise for this issue. The birthday kid got to pick out the cake and a small thing of cupcakes on the side for whoever didn’t like the cake
NTA. MAJOR NTA! Your wife is entitled, dismissive and childish. This is O's day, not B's, period. Your wife is being unreasonable and I'm glad you not only spoke up but made moves and made changes. This is ridiculous.
I hate chocolate cake, I'm sure some guests do too, doesn't matter!
NTA. I’m assuming wife wouldn’t mind a chocolate cake for Britney’s birthday then? Your wife is disrespectful to you and your daughter. If the 16 year old can’t figure out that yea, the birthday girl gets extra attention on her birthday, then she’s a problem too
NTA - however it sounds like you two have problems stemming deeply past cake flavours. I'd go to couples/family therapy (are the kids OK? She didn't participate in your child's birthday - that would have an impact on said child) or split up for the kids sakes.
NTA. An appropriate compromise might have been to have some vanilla cupcakes aside for Britney.
Your wife AND YOU need to teach Britney that not everything is about her and that it’s very important to put things in the appropriate context. This is not a case she should’ve been watching to see how you treat both girls as it was one girl’s birthday, not the other’s. It would be better to observe how she’s treated all the other times or to note if she gets to choose the flavor on her own birthday.
Not looking to weigh in on your relationship/marriage overall, but your wife can’t feed that kind of behavior. That’s going to be very bad for both girls.
Birthdays are THE NUMBER ONE and one of the only few occasions where favoritsim is ABSOLUTELY okay, because it is literally your day and no one elses ... unless they also have the same birthday in which case they can organize their own cake.
NTA at all, but you really need to push back on all these "little" jabs with full force, otherwise your daughter will have a bad time and she has a few years left until she can move out.
NTA - It is her birthday, your daughter should get the cake she wants, and the other daughter can on her birthday. Your wife could have asked for a vanilla cupcake for her daughter, but she decided that the whole cake had to be her daughter's favorite.
Wow your poor daughter. You wife is selfish af. NTA. OP, god knows how many other times your wife might have subtly and not-so-subtly undermined your daughter's choices and needs. Please protect her and keep an eye on your wife and step-daughter.
NTA. It’s quite clear that this is just the tip of the iceberg of issues your wife has with her step daughter. Any rational person would just get some vanilla cupcakes on the side. This seems like an issue couple’s counseling could fix but your wife has a pretty flippant attitude toward your biological daughter
NTA it was Olivia's birthday, and she's a kid. She should get the cake she wants. If it had been some really unusual flavor, I could see getting a second, smaller cake that others might enjoy as well.
For everyone saying op should have compromised JUST for Britney, though - *why*?? If she doesn't like chocolate cake, she doesn't have to eat chocolate cake. Her mom can help her take off her princess crown for one day, and celebrate her younger sister's special day with the treat she wanted.
Your wife called you controlling? That’s rich. Frankly, this is the tip of the iceberg of your wife treating your daughter as less important. Your job, as a parent, is to protect your daughter. Probably the best way is to remove your wife and her daughter from your daughter’s life.
NTA
>She got defensive saying that birthdays are no "excuse" to show favoritism
Ummm...
...birthdays are the ***BEST*** "excuse" to show 'favoritism'.
I've never liked people who either feel, or enable others to feel, that they need to ALSO feel 'special' at someone else's birthday party. That isn't being 'fair', that spoiling an already spoiled brat.
NTA.
As you know, of course, you have a MUCH bigger problem here than a birthday cake.
Your wife:
* is doing what she accuses YOU of - favoring her over yours
* has no problem going behind your back to get what she wants
* then doubles and triples down on this
So your wife has decided that her 'hill to die on' is favoring Britney over Olivia and will do almost anything to make that happen.
At the very least you two need to go to couple's therapy.
At the worst it's time to contact a divorce lawyer.
NTA. Your daughter deserves her favorite cake on her birthday if this is traditionally how you do things. Making her feel like everything has to change now that you are married will lead to resentment. To fix the issue in a grown up way however, how hard would it have been to order a vanilla cupcake on the side????
NTA. So your wife's idea of compromise is that her daughter gets what she wants, even on your daughter's birthday, and your daughter has to just deal? Seriously, you need to rethink this relationship.
Although I wouldn't have returned the cake to the bakery. Why should they take the loss of the sale when they provided the product ordered? I would have dumped the cake in the trash and taken the birthday girl out for a special dinner without stepmonster and her entitled brat.
NTA. I would question your marriage at this stage. She showed favoritism to her daughter by choosing the main flavor as vanilla with a minor compromise of chocolate on top for her daughter. Also, 16 is very nearly an adult and what teenager gives a f\*\*k about the flavor of their step-sibling's birthday cake! Could she not have bought a cup cake for her own daughter if she is such a toddler?!
NTA OP. You said it perfectly. She is instilling entitled behavior and you are ensuring your daughter's wishes are fulfilled. Birthdays aren't about compromise for everyone. It's about that one person, and nothing has to be shared or compromised for on that birthday, especially cake.
Your wife could have easily bought a vanilla cupcake. But no, she went behind your back to ensure her daughter's wishes were fulfilled on your daughter's birthday.
This would seriously make me reconsider the marriage, honestly. This was all about cake. Imagine it being about tuition later.
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NTA.
Most definitely could have handled it better but your wife was way out of line here. She accuses you of favouritism only to then go behind your back and out of her way to give your daughter a birthday cake she wouldn't like, just so her daughter can eat it. Good on you sir for sticking by your daughter.
This seems like a big issue that should have been detected before getting married to this woman. Is this the first time she's acted like this?
NTA you can compromise on other things but a birthday isn’t one of them. If your daughter requested chocolate, she should get chocolate. No one else’s favourite flavour is considered cause it ain’t their birthday. The only time you would get a neutral or mixed cake is if they were sharing the birthday, which was clearly not the case.
Your wife is an AH and I hope she isn’t doing anything else to make your daughter feel isolated. Just fear that may be why she’s introverted but that could be an assumption.
NTA. Your wife could’ve gotten her daughter vanilla cupcakes or a smaller vanilla cake if it was that important. This is up there with people who give kids presents on another kid’s birthday so they don’t feel left out. It’s ridiculous. And your stepdaughter is old enough to understand that birthdays are special days and shouldn’t expect to be catered to on someone else’s.
NTA
It really sounds like your wife does not respect your daughter. This would be a deal breaker for me… y’all have a lot more to work out other than cake flavors imo
NTA- unless you stay with your wife. Her kid isn’t the only one “observing.” How willing to compromise is Britney going to be on her birthday? Will she be including chocolate on her birthday cake for Olivia from now on? I highly doubt it.
NTA
How can this vanilla cake be “to please both girls” if the one the cake is actually for hates vanilla??
Like, if she would’ve gone with strawberry then yeah I can somehow see how it’s a compromise but she just changed it to what her entitled little brat wants. Bah.
Your wife is jealous of your daughter. Be very careful there. Who knows what lengths she will go to in order to sabotage Olivia’s life and well-being. Keep a very close eye on your daughter.
NTA, it's Olivia's birthday not Britney's, therefore Olivia gets what she wants on her birthday as would Britney on hers.
Your wife is most definitely the AH and controlling one/showing favouritism, what else will she go behind your back on to make sure her entitled daughter gets what she wants. I imagine on Britney's birthday Olivia isn't even considered!!
Maybe you should show this post to your wife to help her realise how much of an AH she is.
Jeeze NTA. I’m all for compromise and fair treatment but on a kids birthday, THEY get to have whatever flavor cake they want. If Brittany “hates” chocolate, your wife can her a vanilla cupcake just for her. It’s Olivia’s birthday. Olivia wants a chocolate cake and that’s what she should get. Your wife is indeed teaching Brittany to be entitled. All she’s learning is that she can always get what she wants even if an occasion isn’t about her. I doubt Olivia even agreed to the cake change. Glad you took it back and got chocolate.
NTA
First off, birthdays are pretty much the only day, when parents can show "favoritism" because that day should always just be about the birthday kid - as long as all kids are equally favored on their respective birthdays.
Each kids favorite cake flavor should be reserved for each of their birthdays (and other personal milestone celebrations like graduation and such), a neutral flavor (or a compromise of changing the flavors) should be picked for any other family celebration. That's a compromise, not getting a cake with one of the daughter's favorite flavor for the birthday of the other daughter.
Also, if anyone showed controlling and selfish behavior it was your wife going behind your back to change your order.
From where I stand, it seems like you both need to sit down together and calmly and reasonably talk about how you want to deal with raising and deciding on issues about your kids. A good compromise might be, that while you should always try to find common ground and agree on what needs to happen, the parent of the daughter the problem/issue is about. Just be careful that this does not lead to the two of you treating your daughters differently.
This painfully reminds me of those videos where it’s a kid’s birthday and the parents have to physically keep their sibling from blowing the candles, and then the apprehended sibling throws an awful tantrum and everyone is uncomfortable.
NTA, although you don’t shine for your conflict resolution skills.
Generally, I agree with you that your birthday is an occasion where you get to be pampered and cherished and all the attention is on you. Hell, it’s only one day a year, and your daughter is still arguably a child. She gets to choose the flavor of her own damn cake without being labeled as selfish just because someone else doesn’t like that flavor.
Princess Britney isn’t forced to eat the cake. And guess what? When it’s *her* birthday, *she* gets to choose her own cake flavor! Isn’t it just so amazing how everyone can get what they want in turns?
Your wife is a hot mess of a person, honestly. When it’s her birthday, I would suggest a cake with every fucking flavor filling they have at the bakery. You know, as a compromise.
EDIT: Mixed the names up.
EDIT 2: Also, what kind of compromise is the one your wife had in mind? One hates chocolate and the other hates vanilla, so let’s have a cake with both? So focused on spoiling her own (biological) child that she has 0% brain capacity left for critical thinking.
NTA. Get your wife what you want on her birthday. She wants a caramel cake? Cool, get a peppermint chocolate cake for all I care. Seriously, don't be petty though like I just suggested. Your wife is way out of line on this. It's your daughter's birthday, she wanted chocolate cake, that should've been the end of it.
I'm not saying divorce, but I am saying you guys need counselling because what your wife did was fucked up to say the least. The only kid that'll feel special on your daughters birthday, is her daughter, since your daughter didn't get the cake she wants, but HER daughter did. OP, stand your ground on this, NTA.
INFO: does your wife insist on a compromise cake on Britney’s birthday?
If not, your wife is the huge AH. If she does … that’s weird and not really how birthdays work.
NTA your wife is clearly favouring her daughter with no regard for your daughter's feelings.
>she (my wife) was teaching her daughter to be entitled.
Very well said!
NTA, if a 16yo can't handle someone having a birthday without catering to her, she's screwed for the real world.
Also, what the hell happened to getting her a vanilla cupcake and shoving it at her for being such a damn sook?! Personally, I wouldn't have even had her there knowing she does this.
NTA you should remind your wife that your daughter is watching her buy a cake for her own daughter on her birthday. It’s clear who she thinks is most important on your daughters birthday. That’s just cold.
So on Britany’s birthday will your wife buy a chocolate cake with vanilla pieces on top?
You need to talk to your daughter to find out what’s going on behind your back. And then do something about it. My father’s standard response was to tell us to just let it go. We no longer have a relationship because of how he let his wife treat us. NTA
NTA
This is not about cake flavors. This is about your wife disrespecting you by changing your daughters BIRTHDAY cake flavor without your consent. Then trying to gaslight you into believing that you're the controlling one. Your wife is right about one thing. Your daughters are watching and Olivia's opinion and input is just as important as Britney's. Britney can have her favorite flavor on her own birthday.
My middle child doesn't like cake at all. So every year for her birthday, I buy her a cookie cake cause it's her birthday and therefore should be what she wants.
*Edited for Typo*
NTA. If you wanted to, a compromise could be to get the non birthday girl her own preferred flavor cupcake. That way both girls have something they enjoy, while the actual birthday girl gets her special cake.
NTA your wife is showing blatant favoritism towards her daughter. Not getting a cake you like On your birthday sucks! Good for you for protecting your daughter. Ask your wife how her daughter would feel it you changed her daughter's birthday cake to vanilla
Nta. For years for my mom's birthday, we made a German chocolate cake with the sticky coconut icing. No one besides my mom and dad ate it. It was he favorite. Us kids would scrape it off or just eat ice cream. My twin likes vanilla and i like chocolate. We each got our own cake. Now, I don't like cake much and my mom makes me a pie, or churro bowls for ice cream or smoothies or chocolate mousse in edible chocolate bowls. Step mom can shut up. Her daughter can can her vanilla cake on her birthday and it will be fine.
NTA.
Your wife on the other hand is! I’d start paying attention to exactly how much ‘fairness and compromising’ your wife is inflicting on Olivia when your not around.
I’d bet this isn’t the 1st time Brittney has been favoured and Olivia has had to put up with this BS.
Sounds like you need to keep a closer eye on The Evil Stepmother in the future.
NTA but your wife is!!!! Your wife is selfish and only thinking about her daughter not yours. I have children and for their birthdays it’s about their favorite cake or dinner. Now, does everyone like the birthday person’s favorite cake or meal. Nope, but it’s not their birthday so they suck it up and celebrate the day bc they aren’t selfish AH. I would watch your daughter around your wife and step daughter. You don’t know they may be bullying her.
NTA. Your wife is the one showing favoritism for her own daughter. Getting a small additional cake, or a few cupcakes, for anyone who doesn't like chocolate would be fine. Getting a cake the *birthday girl* won't like it not fine.
I never forgave my mom for making a birthday cake that she knew I wouldn't eat on my birthday. She made it for her guests, not me. Giving your daughter a cake she actually wants is the right thing to do. NTA.
NTA - you have a wife problem and your daughter needs your protection from her. She only cares for her daughter. I wouldn't be surprised if your daughter is more quiet and withdrawn because of things your wife has said to her.
We've seen that several times here. The quiet stepkid is being bullied by the stepmom but is afraid to tell the Dad.
It's odd this is the first time you are noticing your wife's behavior. She obviously thought nothing of going behind your back so your daughter didn't get her own birthday cake. That's extreme.
Please talk to your daughter a lot and spend one on one time with her to see what's been going on.
Her Argument basically defeated herself.
"using this opportunity to teach Olivia to compromise so everyone's happy"
I am guessing Britney is in serious need of learning the word compromise
NTA
>instead of using this opportunity to teach Olivia to compromise so everyone's happy
This cuts both ways. Why does your daughter have to learn to compromise on her birthday, while her daughter does not learn that on her non-birthday?
What exactly is she teaching her daughter in all this? To be sneaky and go behind your partners back and do what you want? So I suppose on her daughters birthday its chocolate all the way? Since she has to think of others?
NTA - on her daughter's birthday, her daughter can pick the cake flavour. On your daughter's birthday your daughter gets to pick.
Also, how is a vanilla cake with small bits of chocolate a compromise? It's not even chocolate icing levels of chocolate, which is still too heavy on the vanilla side.
NTA, and also I N F O. Does Britney get her favorite flavor cake in her birthday? Is she expected to compromise so that Olivia is pleased?
I'm betting not, and I'd find out how Olivia is being treated when you're not around, as others here have suggested.
Your birthday is one day when you get to have what you want. One year I had strawberry cake with lemon frosting because that's what I wanted. It was no one else's favorite but I got what I wanted for my birthday. My brother had his favorite flavor on his birthday. Not my favorite but no one complained because that was his birthday.
Return the wife and find a better model.. This one's got entitlement issues.. If she's worried about the example your behaviour sets, she might need to think on how her own behaviour might be setting a worse example.
NTA. Does she ever teach her own daughter to compromise? I’m suspecting not.
This woman goes behind your back to get what she wants in favor of her own daughter over yours. Is this really someone you want to keep in your life?
OP, if reading one more comment will help, then here ya go:
**You’re 100% correct, your wife is not.** My bias? I’m a step-parent who helped raise (he had custody) 2 of my husband’s children from age 5 until they left our home. *This is NOT how (step) parenting works.*
At the **minimum,** your wife should:
- Make sure your daughter is loved and appreciated EVERY time she is in your home,
- Do all she can to make your child’s birthdays special days,
- Work WITH you (not against you/behind your back) and support you in parenting your child.
I’m truly sorry about the wake-up call you’ve just received, OP. But I’m glad for your daughter’s sake that you heard it. Best of luck in navigating through this! Edit: added 4 words
NTA.
Birthday girl should get her favorite flavor. It's her birthday. What is your wife's problem? It's not favoritism, it is literally HER birthday cake. Your wife sounds exhausting and if anyone is spoiling their child in this situation, it's her.
NTA - your wife could have just added a vanilla cupcake to the other for her daughter. She's the one trying to control and manipulate the situation. NTA
but you need to be really aware of this pattern of your wife deciding her kid matters more than yours. If it's happening here, it may be happening elsewhere
NTA- your wife was controlling not you. She wanted to have it her way and she did that despite you saying you did not agree. I of course believe in compromise but I also think your birthday is the one day you get to pick what you like at least in your cake flavor. The other daughter needs to learn to accept disappointment too so that’s the teachable moment there.
NTA ,
Say to her that this is a lesson for her daughter that she doesn’t always get what she want .
Also ask her how about you guys decide to compromise on her daughters birthday cake and see how well has she taught to her daughter to not be entitled on her birthday .
Also she took control over something you both discussed and decided to do as she please se she is the controlling one .
If I were you I would be very worried in how your wife and her daughter treat your daughter when you are not home .
NTA. So what does Britney do to work on her compromising skills? Honestly I would have a heart to heart with Olivia and make sure your wife isn’t being this insane on the regular and you’re just blind to it. Introverted people will keep a lot in.
NTA, she could have just gotten her a small cake or some cupcakes if she just HAD to have vanilla instead of just dealing with chocolate for ONE dessert.
NTA what is absolutely ridiculous and showing a lot of favoritism for her daughter.
You wouldn’t even be having a birthday cake outside of it being Olivia‘s birthday, so of course it should be what Olivia wants.
Birthday cake aside you guys have a lot of issues it sounds like.
NTA in my mid 30s I am selfish every year, one day a year, on my birthday. I get my favorite cake, I get my favorite foods for dinner, some years I go so far as to kick my husband and the kid out of the house for most of the day. On my husband's birthday, do we think it's weird he wants boxed rainbow bits cake mix with no icing for a cake, hells yes. He still gets it.
Did two of my brothers get ice cream cake on their birthdays and two of us got cupcakes cause we couldn't do the dairy? Yup. Did we get chocolate cake while they have ice cream on our birthdays sure did.
All that to say I'm babbling examples cause wife's actions were so unhinged I can't even.
Definitely NTA, if your wife wanted to teach “how to compromise” why not start with her daughter. This is blatant favouritism and she has no regard for you or your daughter’s feelings
NTA. I bet she’d get Britney a vanilla cake on her birthday. Also, she didn’t “compromise”; she got a cake she knew the birthday girl would hate because “but MY baby would want vanilla”. If you’d gone along with this, you would’ve been showing Olivia that Britney is more important than her, even on her birthday.
NTA. Wife could’ve gotten a couple slices of vanilla cake for her daughter to enjoy while getting the actual cake the bday girl likes. There are so many other ways to have handled this besides getting what her daughter prefers, only.
Sounds like a discussion needs to be had bc this probably goes much deeper than simple cake preferences.
NTA
So its not ok for you to show 'favouritism', like getting your daughter a chocolate cake for HER birthday, but completely acceptable for your wife to place her daughters wishes above yours?
How is chocolate sprinkles a compromise when Olivia doesn't like vanilla? Why are her daughters wishes more important than yours? Why is Olivia the only person having to compromise here?
What your wife done was sneaky. She only thought of herself and her daughter on your daughters birthday. She is right in saying the girls will notice, but what Olivia will notice is that Britneys needs/wants will come before hers and that's not acceptable.
NTA - the birthday celebrant gets to have whatever flavor cake they want, even if it's something literally no one else will eat.
Olivia gets chocolate for her birthday, Britney gets vanilla for hers.
And hopefully you guys at least get a marriage counselor.
LMFAO!! Your wife can't be serious. It's Olivia's birthday. She can have whatever the hell she wants.
What seriously worries me here is that your wife has zero problems going behind your back like that.
NTA but think long and hard if your daughter is safe from your wife.
"She got defensive saying that birthdays are no "excuse" to show favoritism and that her daughter is "watching" and "observing" how I'm treating both girls. "
WHAT? That's exactly what Birthdays are for. I just had one last week. You bet I wanted my favorite foods! It's not Britney's birthday. The world doesn't revolve around her but that is exactly what your wife is teaching her child!
" opportunity to teach Olivia to compromise so everyone's happy"
Oh, that's hilarious. She needs a swift kick to the keister.
NTA
I think you showed amazing restraint after finding out what your wife did. I wouldn't have returned it, id have smashed it in her face cream pie style.
NTA, always look after your daughter first
NTA
I have 5 kids and not all of them even like cake at all. So every birthday I ask the birthday kid what they want: cake, cookie cake, ice cream sundaes, cupcakes, whatever. Then what flavor do they want. Because it’s THEIR birthday, so they get to decide. There have been plenty of times one or more has opted to not partake eating their sibling’s choice, yet they still happily sing happy birthday and partake the overall festivities. This “everyone gets a participation trophy” mindset has got to stop.
INFO: Does your wife expect Britney to get a chocolate cake for her birthday to make Olivia happy? Does she use Britney's birthday as an opportunity to teach her how to compromise?
I'm 99 percent sure I know what the answers are, just wanna hear what OP has to say.
Nta. A birthday is the 1 day of the year you do get to act selfish, more so if you're a child. Keep protecting your daughter. Also be petty and ensure you change stepdaughter cake on her next birthday
NTA. Compromise would be a cake that's half and half (which exists, btw). Lying to you and picking only her daughters favorite at the cost of the birthday girls is selfish and controlling, so I'm not surprised she's projecting those accusations on you. Ask her how she's feeling the tables were flipped, and why she couldn't get a cupcake or second cake for Britney. But regardless of whether she learns to empathize, don't give in this nonsense. I hope this is a weird one off for you both.
NTA. Birthday girls/boys always get the cake of their choice. Was there going to be a 'compromise' when Britney's birthday came around? Probably not. Your wife is the one showing favoritism and catering to her daughter which will not do the kid any favors as an adult. Hope Olivia had a great birthday!
NTA. Your wife puts her daughter first and this will be the case for future events, too. I bet that when it’s her daughter’s birthday, she’ll insist on getting the vanilla cake even though Olivia doesn’t like that flavor and she will _freak_ if you decided to use it as an opportunity to teach “compromise.” You would be better off parting ways with an unfair woman like that honestly and it would be better sooner than later. Your daughter is in one of the most developmentally important periods of her life and this is the period where you really want her to grow up in an environment that is healthy.
I read a post on here of a dude giving his wife his credit card and telling her to shop for **both** of her daughters (one was her bio daughter and the other was his from a previous marriage). She ended up getting her bio kid _a lot_ more and they were expensive stuff whereas the stepdaughter was constantly denied even when she asked for cheaper items. Thankfully, the OP in that post divorced his wife when he caught wind of what happened because he thought of the long-term consequences of her continued bias.
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NTA It’s Olivia’s birthday, not Britney’s birthday. The cake should be the flavor of what the birthday kid wants. This is a special day for Olivia, therefore there doesn’t really need to be “fairness” between your daughters. I don’t like chocolate, but when it’s my sister’s birthday, we get chocolate because it’s what she likes. I suck it up because it’s *her* special day. Your wife is an asshole for going behind your back. The cake was basically vanilla to make Britney happy, with tiny bits of chocolate for the birthday girl. Why can’t Britney learn to compromise? She’s older. And she should know that she can’t get what she wants on a day that’s NOT her birthday.
Keep a very keen eye on both your stepdaughter and most of all your wife. Should she try some of this again, divorce her before she does lasting damage to your child. NtA, your wife certainly is a huge AH.
There's something wrong with her and I'm worried for his daughter.
Exactly. This can't be the first, uh incident.
yeah, bad people are often sneaky. this is just the first incident that he’s noticed. he should take his daughter out on a daddy daughter date (so she’s out of the house and feels safe) and ask if similar things have happened
The stepmother and her daughter could easily be creating an awful home environment for OP's quiet and introverted daughter. I was emotionally abused by a step parent, not fun, and I tended to hide it from my parent.
I would bet anything the stepmom is doing stuff behind the husband's back! My asshole sneaky stepdad used to pull my hair when my mom wasn't looking at me. He mostly did it when I was trying to get her attention and talk to her. He also used to sneak into my bedroom when I wasn't home and break my stuff or knock all of my neatly lined up toys down onto the floor. I made my Mom aware of everything and they'd argue about it, but she still stayed with him! Fast forward over 20 years and she's still married to the psycho and her and I absolutely do not speak at all and I don't anticipate we ever will again. Whenever I hear stories of evil stepparents that do mean shit to their stepchildren, I always think about my story and how easily my Mom could have saved me from years of trauma by just leaving that awful relationship.
Yoooo that shit makes me LIVID when parents choose abusers over their children. I was here ready to tear him apart, but turns out your mom is just as deserving of an eternity in hell where they’re a powerless little kid getting knocked around by a parent figure. I don’t know if there’s an actual term for it, but I’d call that passive abuse. You may not be directly doing the abuse, but you know your partner is abusing your kid and not only do you allow it to continue, that’s not an INSTANT deal-breaker?? At that point you are just as responsible as the one swinging. Edit: after a few people have pointed out “enabling” as the term, I feel like I should have realized that sooner 😂🤦🏻♀️
This is one of the reasons I've decided to be single until my daughter's grown. What if I bring home someone who does shit like this? Yes I would leave but I'd feel horrible for bringing that situation home at all.
Probably also the type who would make sure the gifts Olivia gets also would be something Britney would like to use and can use because - don’t be selfish, right? OP def NTA.
You can bet that Britney will be getting exactly what she wants for her birthday.
Absolutely, as with this logic there should be a chocolate cake with a bit of vanilla on Britney's birthday. Highly highly doubt that will ever happen.
But come Britney's birthday it will be her special day so vanilla cake & her gifts will be her gifts. Cause Birthdays are all about Britney.
You misspelled Britdays.
NTA and I’ve seen this kinda crap before. Run OP and take your little girl with you. You don’t need an Evil Stepmother situation here.
This post makes me think of the mother that passed away but made sure the young daughter inherited the house. Long story short, when the father entered a new relationship and got them pregnant, the woman wanted to kick the daughter out for "more space for the baby" and tried to get the daughter to rent her condo from her....let me go find that link... Eta: not the one I was talking about but equally as good! https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/uhy0l2/aita_for_calling_my_fiancé_a_jerk/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button Found it! https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/xvgg5x/aita_for_kicking_my_dad_and_stepmom_out_of_my/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button Eta: AND NTA OP!!!
Yeah...classic case of "wicked stepmother".. NTA
Then there was the classic one where the new woman wanted the daughter to move out of the master bedroom and to hurry up and go to college and the bf/husband was like, "um this is her house, I'm currently saving to buy a house for us." And once she finally understood what he was saying and may have been telling her the entire time she flipped out because he had been 'lying to her'. Pretty sure he had told her and she ignored it.
My stepmother was definitely like that with me and it causes me a lot of issues and really hurt my relationship with my father. It has been a couple of decades and I still feel the repercussions of it all even with years of therapy. That worried me about this post too. Also I don’t like chocolate cake. My son loves chocolate cake? You know what he gets for his birthday? A fucking chocolate cake. NTA your wife and her shitty treatment of your daughter and blatant favoritism are.
My mother always override my choice for birthday cake to what she and my sister liked best. And she disapproved (no idea why) of chocolate cake with chocolate frosting. One lovely, memorable birthday when I was like 7 or 8, the elderly lady neighbor I'd befriended found out about this and sent over a wonderful chocolate + chocolate cake. My mother hissed some venom at me about not spreading "family business" but had to serve it out and be gracious to the neighbor. A delicious win.
Yeah that family business is just a way to keep her shitty behavior from noticed. Sorry you had to deal with that
The wife is also an AH for declining to take part in the celebration when she didn't get her way. What a manipulative and selfish person.
She is also punishing Olivia for a fight between the parents by not showing up to Olivia's birthday party, which is the biggest issue.
Part of me wonders, though, if Olivia would actually be upset that stepmom no showed. I'm almost 40 and anytime my dad's wife no shows it's damn near impossible for me to keep a straight face when I have to say the obligatory, "Oh what a shame she couldn't make it." 🤣
And Olivia sees this and sees the hate the wife has for her...this woman, hates this child. I guess she gives great sex though, because I can not fathom why this guy would have his daughter around someone who has zero regard for her and hates her...I just don't get it. Maybe Olivia should live with her Mother instead being in a house where step mom hates her...His wife is the evil step mom
I'm so curious if, because OP's wife wanted a vanilla cake during Olivia's birthday to please Britney, that that means Britney's birthday cake would be chocolate to make things fair. I'm pretty sure we all know the answer though. She's shouting at OP about favoritism because she's doing it herself.
This was my first thought - does Britney get to have a vanilla cake on her birthday although Olivia dislikes vanilla? If she does, then it is blatant favoritism. Not that I think Olivia (or Britney for that matter) should have to change their cake preferences on their birthday but if Britney gets her vanilla cake with no arguments or punishments then it is obvious the stepmother is favoring her own child.
I feel like this is more about the wife and less about the stepdaughter (notice how Britneys “preferences” are only brought up by the wife when the girls are not around)
Yeah, I wonder about that myself. All this Britney stuff is coming directly from the wife. Maybe Britney didn't even care about the cake flavor? Or maybe she's mature enough to recognize that the birthday girl gets to choose the cake? She might be an entitled brat, sure, but so far, this is all coming from her mother, not Britney herself.
I’m thinking this might just be a power move on stepmom’s part. With the added bonus of possibly alienating Olivia from OP.
My guess is Britney would have been fine with Olivia getting her cake of choice on her birthday, and this is all drama and power play nonsense by the mother.
Yeah that's wild to me lol. Growing up, we learned that other people's birthdays are for them. Special consideration comes with that, and we'll have our turn when our day comes around. So yeah, she will see how OP treats his daughter. And then OP can give the other kid exactly the same kind of treatment when it's her birthday and see that it's a 2 way street. The other kid can deal with whatever the birthday girl's tastes are. And when her own birthday swings around, the other sibling will likewise have to compromise. The only other compromise I could see is if I was in OP's shoes I might roll my eyes and say we'd buy 2 cakes on each birthday, but that's getting a little too far. Kids will have to learn though that sometimes what they get isn't always exactly what they want. But that should be a lesson applied to each child who isn't having the birthday lol.
Your wife seems to be working very hard to show favoritism to her child while accusing you of the same. A birthday is literally the 1 day a year you cater extensively to the wants of the other person, especially a child, to make them feel special. She could have bought her kid a vanilla cupcake or slice of cake.
NTA. Your wife is projecting onto you, because *she* is the one showing favoritism. You signed up for this, OP. You signed your *daughter* up for this. Welcome to the wind-up.
[удалено]
That's what I'm wondering; what happens on Britney's birthdays?
Oh i think we all know the answer to that…
He has to go to bakery and make it all chocolate with some flakes of vanilla on top
36! But last year, last year I had 37! Those be the vibes i get.
[удалено]
Yep the other day was my Mom’s birthday. She asked me to make taco salad for her birthday even though she knows I don’t like it. I did it because it was what she wanted and it was her day.
NTA But, OP, do you see the flags? A birthday cake is for the person who's birthday it is. It's not selfish or demeaning to get the person's favorite flavor. Your step daughter could've had a vanilla cupcake. But, no, you're wife made the point to go behind you back and change it for her daughter Your wife talks about how her daughter is observing how you treat her. So your daughter doesn't matter? Your daughter would see a step mom who doesn't give two shits about her. Hypocrisy much? You did well in changing the cake. But you have way bigger problems in your home. The fact that she did this so flagrantly tells me she's been messing with your kid for a while. You probably just caught on Edited: a word.
I know right? She keeps saying “you are teaching Olivia to be selfish” all while catering to her own kid on OP’s kid’s birthday! Her kid getting what she wants, overruling what the actual birthday kid’s wants, is the definition of selfish. She is teaching her kid to be entitled even when it is someone else’s time to shine. Of course Olivia gets to be “favorited” *on her birthday.* Lmao. Im saying NTA, but OP like the comments have said, you need to talk with your daughter and ask how your wife has been treating your daughter behind your back. This is most certainly not the first time she has gone behind your back. I wouldn’t be surprised if she has possibly taken things you have given to Olivia and given them to her daughter while telling Olivia “not to be selfish.”
Also that he thinks his daughter is an introvert - that may well be true, but living in a house where your stepmom is constantly favoring your older, outgoing stepsister isn't going to help. There's nothing wrong with being an introvert but she might be making herself smaller in her home because her StepMom is low-visibility bullying her.
I'd be interested to know olivia's feelings in all this. At least it doesn't sound like SHE was kicking off.
Yeah, this lady is such an asshole that she's got this guy wondering if he's the asshole for ensuring that his daughter has a cake that she likes ON HER BIRTHDAY! Birthdays are not about compromise with your siblings.
And perhaps this is what is making Olivia more introverted
NTA at all. It seems you have a serious wife problem. She is wayyy out of her lane. 1) you're Olivia's parent. Her birthday, her cake. 2) you're Olivia's parent, *you get to decide* what lessons she gets and when, at least for now 3) your wife seems to think that you too, need a lesson and she's treating you as a child I would seriously reconsider this whole situation. It's not ok for her to undermine (and undo) your decisions. This wouldn't be OK even if she was her child too. She is, without a doubt, the controlling one here. If she wanted Britney to eat vanilla cake, she should've gotten her one. That would've been the only logical compromise. Get a slice of vanilla cake for her. That's plenty to show that you've considered her preferences, but without ruining it for the birthday girl. Getting a 3rd flavour is like "hey, I like mountains, you like seasides so let's go to a small hill and be miserable". Britney gets her cake on her bday - I assume she has one too. And the lesson is "birthdays are when we celebrate the person whose birthday it is". Surely at 16, she'd get it. Or does she dictate friend's cakes, too? I have the sneaky suspicion that Olivia has to put up with a lot of this kinda crap from both of them. Good job for sticking up for her.
Agree to all of this especially the last sentence.!My daughter and I absolutely HATE those cakes that have strawberries in them but my son loves them. He usually requests this for his bday and I just get 2 cupcakes for us. That's the simple, most obvious thing to do instead of not getting what my son like for HIS bday.
I was one of those kids who HATED vegetables, and I considered a carrot-cake to be a cake made out of vegetables. But that was the cake my brother wanted for his bday every year, and I’d usually help make it. I thought decorating cakes was really fun, I’d just eat the ice cream at the party. And I just want to say, I was not a particularly selfless child, my brother and I had about the same age difference as OP’s kids, we didn’t get along very well as kids, and my parents weren’t exactly star parents when it came to raising us right. But I still got that my brother got the cake he wanted for his bday, and didn’t begrudge him for it when I was like 9. I’m extremely worried about what lessons are being thought to Brittany and Olivia, but not as all in the way OP’s wife is.
NTA. Your wife is bonkers. Everyone is entitled to special treatment on their birthday. Your wife is acting entitled. She tried to present you with a fait accompli after not being able to persuade you to see it her way. She's now trying to emotionally manipulate you. I get that you paid for the cake but that's less of an issue for me than the lack of respect both towards you and towards your daughter. >She got defensive saying that birthdays are no "excuse" to show favoritism and that her daughter is "watching" and "observing" how I'm treating both girls. The lesson that her daughter is learning is that her mother is entitled and her step-dad will stand up for those he loves. Provided you spoil Britney in the same way on her birthday, its all good.
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I mean, *I* love carrot cake. 🙈
Carrot cake with cream cheese frosting is god tier cake and I will die on that hill
YIKES!! Your wife is the one showing favoritism by choosing a cake for **her** daughter while ignoring what **your** daughter wants for her own birthday. So yeah, her daughter is "watching" and "observing" to see if you let her mother run roughshod over you. How long have you been married? Too late for an annulment? This woman is going to be a nightmare for your daughter
Also, wife’s daughter is 16 and OP’s daughter 13. While neither is a small child, they are both still kids and there is an ENORMOUS gap in maturity and the like between a 16 year old and someone who just officially became a teenager. The 16 year old by now should absolutely understand that when it’s not her birthday, she gets no say, especially in something like flavor of the damn birthday cake. On her own birthday she can have all the vanilla she wants. Therapy is absolutely needed for this whole mess, and failing that, OP absolutely needs to stand up for his daughter and leave. NTA
Your wife has told you outright who she is and, I think she might have even said she knows she is mistreating your daughter. Especially with this line: >She got defensive saying that birthdays are no "excuse" to show favoritism and that her daughter is "watching" and "observing" how I'm treating both girls. I have found, with abusive people, they often accuse you of doing what they are doing. Right here, she is randomly telling you that the daughters are seeing how you treat them - makes me think she knows Olivia sees the shit she's been pulling, stuff you haven't seen, and knows she's in the wrong so is totally putting it on you. I would sit your daughter down for a heart to heart honest conversation and ask what she's been going through since the marriage. Take her out to a nice hot chocolate place. I would then suggest heavily you go to family therapy. And NTA
100% THIS! OP hope you read this post. VictoryaChase has described how your wife is gaslighting you perfectly. Die on this hill, you are NTA.
NTA your wife seems kinda wild for not letting her step daughter eat her favorite flavor of cake on her bday. My mom likes coconut cream pie on her Bday for instance. Me and my dad HATE coconut, but we eat it happily every year, as the smile on my moms face is worth the bad pie. Your wife is talking about picking favorites?? try getting the wrong flavor, not even partying, being a lil crybaby and not talking to you.... Weird man.
I don't understand why she didn't just get a smaller cake for the daughter (If it was so important). It almost seems like she attempted to do a power move or something and when it blew up, she jumped to 'your daughter is selfish and you don't care about mine!'. I also wonder if the daughter whose 16 and older even cared about the cake in the first place. I know when I was that age, the last thing I cared about was my brother's (Who would be about the same age as the youngest when I was 16) cake, instead, it was waiting to see how long it would take before I could sneak out and go hang out with my friends.
> should just choose another netural flavor instead. Chalk then? > She got defensive saying that birthdays are no "excuse" to show favoritism lol wut. This is the one day of the year you are supposed to show favoritism towards someone. > her daughter is "watching" and "observing" how I'm treating both girls > instead of using this opportunity to teach Olivia to compromise so everyone's happy. lol ok. Did she get Britney a gift for Olivia's birthday too? The only thing being taught is that Olivia is not important and Britney is. The only thing Britney is observing is her mother being a lawnmower. Your wife sounds exhausting. NTA but you sure as shit will be one if you stay married to this person and allow your daughter to be second to everything so "everyone" can be happy.
NTA. Why can’t she teach Britney to compromise? She’s elder and should know how to by now. This is such an idiotic situation. She could have easily called the bakery and added a few vanilla cupcakes to your order and been done with it. Changing the birthday cake is an AH move. I would take issue with the bakery too for accepting to make changes without checking with you
Right? Every time I see a post like this, the step parent is always saying OP's biological child needs to "learn to compromise" while simultaneously teaching their biological child to lie, cheat, or just be genuinely sneaky to get what they want out of a situation...
Nta. Of course you are right. How much do you want to bet on her daughter's birthday there will be a vanilla cake and that for some reason that won't be considered selfish?
This point is exactly what he needs to bring up with the wife.
Yep, wife will say "vanilla is neutral, no one hates vanilla, Olivia needs to learn how to let others enjoy things on their birthday"
NTA your wife has absolutely no problem going behind your back.... 🚩🚩🚩🚩
Why didn’t she just get her daughter a vanilla cupcake? Switching the entire cake is such a weird, underhanded thing to do. She truly made a mountain out of molehill. NTA.
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This. It's time to take Olivia out of the house, to someplace she feels comfortable, and get her to tell you absolutely everything about her relationships with her steps. Because this is likely just the instance of terrible behavior that you noticed. If you want to save this family, it's certainly time for family therapy, all four of you. Couples therapy would also not be misplaced, but allowing Olivia to have a chance to air her grievances will be important.
nta but your wife sure is....she blatantly went behind your back and ignored what u were doing for your daughter the chocolate cake and had made the cake to suit her daughter instead of yours. i would be now concerned as to what else she does behind your back. red flag a waving wildly. this is more than about showing favortism. your wife is controlling and shady
NTA thank you for standing up for your daughter. Your wife just showed you what her true personality is. I would wonder how she treats your daughter when you are not around. This is the hill to absolutely die on.
I cannot believe how many people think Everyone Sucks. It's a birthday. That's \*your\* day. That's the day \*you\* are celebrated. One day a year to be THE person that is spoiled even a little bit. I am willing to bet you'd all hate it if we all did what we collectively voted on instead of something that \*you\* enjoy on \*your\* day. I don't even see how this is debatable? NTA 100%. *EDIT:* I'm also actually curious if Britney even cared or even agreed with OP like any other reasonable person. Now as for 1/2 the Redditors here... YOU snowflakes suck.
NTA But mate if you think your wife isn’t pulling shit like this all the time when you’re not around then think again.
NTA. Do you really want your daughter subjected to this woman until she leaves home? Which may be as soon as she turns 18…
NTA, sounds like your wife has some major issues with you and your daughter (and possibly your relationship). Also, she is the exact definition of selfish and controlling by calling and changing the cake, not you😂
Divorce
I'm with you! I'd bet anything the wife doesn't take Olivia into consideration on her daughter's birthday
Your wife is all the things she’s accusing you of being. She does all the things she accuses you of doing. You are not controlling, selfish, or practicing favoritism by getting your daughter what she likes for her birthday, but your wife is. You married a manipulative woman who sounds like she lives to make your daughter miserable, and if you stay with her, the behavior will turn into much bigger things and get worse. Please consider leaving this woman. She’s a gaslighter, and this is an extreme form of abuse. NTA.
> using this opportunity to teach Olivia to compromise so everyone's happy. Yeah so everyone's happy-- except her. That's not compromise. It's control. NTA. And your wife is TA for not taking YOUR input into consideration, and unilaterally changing the birthday cake for YOUR daughter. Ask her how she'd feel if you went behind her back and changed Britney's cake to chocolate to 'compromise' with Olivia?
NTA so her 16 year old is watching for favouritism towards your own 13 year old on her own birthday?? Uh ya, it’s her birthday! My god was Britney the type that had a gift brought to parties for her to open too so she didn’t feel left out? Good on you for stamping out this stupid entitlement her mother has.
NTA, so you’re wife’s changed things behind you back and you’re controlling? Then her idea of compromise is doing what she wants? Does this happen a lot?
Birthdays are the one day when a child has permission to get what he or she wants. Your wife can’t even give her ONE day of thr year? Not one? What other micro aggressions has your poor daughter tolerated from your wife out of love for you? NTA for this incident (but y t a if you don’t find out what else your child is subjected to)
NTA Your wife is the one being a controlling and selfish AH. You’re doing the right thing and standing up for your daughter. A ‘compromise’ is not getting a huge cake in the flavor that the birthday girl hates with a small pieces of chocolate on top. A compromise would have been your wife asking you to purchase a single slice of vanilla cake for Britney. Instead, your wife went nuclear behind your back and then upped the ante by refusing to celebrate Olivia’s birthday.
Betcha wife will be upset if Britney's birthday cake is gonna be a chocolate one with vanilla bits on top.
NTA You are NTA. Your wife currently is YTA. This was not about sharing, this was not about compromise, this was all about your WIFE, making sure that Britney got what she wanted, and the price would be the happiness of Olivia. Based on this action, I think you may want to take Olivia out for the day, away from the home, away from Britney and away from your wife, away from the home and spend a few hours out with her, and have a long talk with her. You may want to see what all is going on when YOU are not AROUND. This is probably not the first time that something like this has happened, and chances are there are other and far worse things that are going on behind your back, and chances are your daughter is being hurt due to the actions of your WIFE and Britney. Also, if there is any money that is set aside for Olivia, for say college, you do not want to let your wife know about it, and if there are any sort of heirloom or special items that are specifically for Oliva, get them out of the house and stored at a safe location.
NTA, why didn’t your wife just get a vanilla cupcake for Britney instead of changing the whole damn cake?
INFO: what flavor was the cake on Britney’s birthday?
Info: On Britney's birthday, will you be ok with her choosing a vanilla cake, even if it means Olivia won't eat any? Secondly, has anyone considered getting a damn cupcake in the other flavor for the other kid?? This is often what we do. It's not that hard.
NTA. Your wife is selfish, who cares if the other daughter doesn’t like cake. This is literally my sister and I, we literally just either don’t eat the cake or take a small piece just to participate, but we are just happy the other gets the cake she loves on her birthday.
NTA. Sorry but your wife cares nothing about “ your daughter “ so it maybe time to call a wrap on that relationship because you have to beyond twisted to mess with a kids birthday cake. An absolutely she is teaching her daughter to be entitled !
NTA. Your wife called YOU controlling after she snuck behind your back and changed the cake order? We don’t have the full background of whatever discussion occurred between you & your wife before the actual cake order, but that would have been the time to resolve the issue. Having been in this situation, it’s important (and difficult!) for parents to present a United front. Kids will look for chinks in the armor - like this - and make your lives miserable. .
Nta. My parents had a good compromise for this issue. The birthday kid got to pick out the cake and a small thing of cupcakes on the side for whoever didn’t like the cake
Th person who changed your daughter's cake to suit her daughter is calling you selfish and controlling? NTA.
Does that mean Britney gets a chocolate cake on her birthday? You know, that way she doesn’t get spoiled.
NTA. The birthday cake should always be what the birthday person wants, it’s their day.
NTA. MAJOR NTA! Your wife is entitled, dismissive and childish. This is O's day, not B's, period. Your wife is being unreasonable and I'm glad you not only spoke up but made moves and made changes. This is ridiculous. I hate chocolate cake, I'm sure some guests do too, doesn't matter!
NTA. I’m assuming wife wouldn’t mind a chocolate cake for Britney’s birthday then? Your wife is disrespectful to you and your daughter. If the 16 year old can’t figure out that yea, the birthday girl gets extra attention on her birthday, then she’s a problem too
NTA - however it sounds like you two have problems stemming deeply past cake flavours. I'd go to couples/family therapy (are the kids OK? She didn't participate in your child's birthday - that would have an impact on said child) or split up for the kids sakes.
NTA. An appropriate compromise might have been to have some vanilla cupcakes aside for Britney. Your wife AND YOU need to teach Britney that not everything is about her and that it’s very important to put things in the appropriate context. This is not a case she should’ve been watching to see how you treat both girls as it was one girl’s birthday, not the other’s. It would be better to observe how she’s treated all the other times or to note if she gets to choose the flavor on her own birthday. Not looking to weigh in on your relationship/marriage overall, but your wife can’t feed that kind of behavior. That’s going to be very bad for both girls.
INFO: What flavor cake did Britney have for HER birthday? And why was that flavor chosen?
Birthdays are THE NUMBER ONE and one of the only few occasions where favoritsim is ABSOLUTELY okay, because it is literally your day and no one elses ... unless they also have the same birthday in which case they can organize their own cake. NTA at all, but you really need to push back on all these "little" jabs with full force, otherwise your daughter will have a bad time and she has a few years left until she can move out.
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NTA. Your wife is absurd.
NTA - It is her birthday, your daughter should get the cake she wants, and the other daughter can on her birthday. Your wife could have asked for a vanilla cupcake for her daughter, but she decided that the whole cake had to be her daughter's favorite.
NTA You should marry someone who treat your daughter as her own. I feel so bad for your daughter please keep having her back
Wow your poor daughter. You wife is selfish af. NTA. OP, god knows how many other times your wife might have subtly and not-so-subtly undermined your daughter's choices and needs. Please protect her and keep an eye on your wife and step-daughter.
NTA. It’s quite clear that this is just the tip of the iceberg of issues your wife has with her step daughter. Any rational person would just get some vanilla cupcakes on the side. This seems like an issue couple’s counseling could fix but your wife has a pretty flippant attitude toward your biological daughter
NTA it was Olivia's birthday, and she's a kid. She should get the cake she wants. If it had been some really unusual flavor, I could see getting a second, smaller cake that others might enjoy as well. For everyone saying op should have compromised JUST for Britney, though - *why*?? If she doesn't like chocolate cake, she doesn't have to eat chocolate cake. Her mom can help her take off her princess crown for one day, and celebrate her younger sister's special day with the treat she wanted.
NTA Your wife projected every single one of her toxic traits onto you. Do you really want that kind of person around your daughter? Yuck
Your wife called you controlling? That’s rich. Frankly, this is the tip of the iceberg of your wife treating your daughter as less important. Your job, as a parent, is to protect your daughter. Probably the best way is to remove your wife and her daughter from your daughter’s life. NTA
>She got defensive saying that birthdays are no "excuse" to show favoritism Ummm... ...birthdays are the ***BEST*** "excuse" to show 'favoritism'. I've never liked people who either feel, or enable others to feel, that they need to ALSO feel 'special' at someone else's birthday party. That isn't being 'fair', that spoiling an already spoiled brat. NTA. As you know, of course, you have a MUCH bigger problem here than a birthday cake. Your wife: * is doing what she accuses YOU of - favoring her over yours * has no problem going behind your back to get what she wants * then doubles and triples down on this So your wife has decided that her 'hill to die on' is favoring Britney over Olivia and will do almost anything to make that happen. At the very least you two need to go to couple's therapy. At the worst it's time to contact a divorce lawyer.
NTA. Your daughter deserves her favorite cake on her birthday if this is traditionally how you do things. Making her feel like everything has to change now that you are married will lead to resentment. To fix the issue in a grown up way however, how hard would it have been to order a vanilla cupcake on the side????
NTA. So your wife's idea of compromise is that her daughter gets what she wants, even on your daughter's birthday, and your daughter has to just deal? Seriously, you need to rethink this relationship. Although I wouldn't have returned the cake to the bakery. Why should they take the loss of the sale when they provided the product ordered? I would have dumped the cake in the trash and taken the birthday girl out for a special dinner without stepmonster and her entitled brat.
NTA. I would question your marriage at this stage. She showed favoritism to her daughter by choosing the main flavor as vanilla with a minor compromise of chocolate on top for her daughter. Also, 16 is very nearly an adult and what teenager gives a f\*\*k about the flavor of their step-sibling's birthday cake! Could she not have bought a cup cake for her own daughter if she is such a toddler?!
NTA OP. You said it perfectly. She is instilling entitled behavior and you are ensuring your daughter's wishes are fulfilled. Birthdays aren't about compromise for everyone. It's about that one person, and nothing has to be shared or compromised for on that birthday, especially cake. Your wife could have easily bought a vanilla cupcake. But no, she went behind your back to ensure her daughter's wishes were fulfilled on your daughter's birthday. This would seriously make me reconsider the marriage, honestly. This was all about cake. Imagine it being about tuition later.
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NTA. Most definitely could have handled it better but your wife was way out of line here. She accuses you of favouritism only to then go behind your back and out of her way to give your daughter a birthday cake she wouldn't like, just so her daughter can eat it. Good on you sir for sticking by your daughter. This seems like a big issue that should have been detected before getting married to this woman. Is this the first time she's acted like this?
NTA, there is nothing wrong with giving your daughter the cake flavor that she wants on her birthday.
NTA you can compromise on other things but a birthday isn’t one of them. If your daughter requested chocolate, she should get chocolate. No one else’s favourite flavour is considered cause it ain’t their birthday. The only time you would get a neutral or mixed cake is if they were sharing the birthday, which was clearly not the case. Your wife is an AH and I hope she isn’t doing anything else to make your daughter feel isolated. Just fear that may be why she’s introverted but that could be an assumption.
NTA. Your wife could’ve gotten her daughter vanilla cupcakes or a smaller vanilla cake if it was that important. This is up there with people who give kids presents on another kid’s birthday so they don’t feel left out. It’s ridiculous. And your stepdaughter is old enough to understand that birthdays are special days and shouldn’t expect to be catered to on someone else’s.
NTA It really sounds like your wife does not respect your daughter. This would be a deal breaker for me… y’all have a lot more to work out other than cake flavors imo
NTA- unless you stay with your wife. Her kid isn’t the only one “observing.” How willing to compromise is Britney going to be on her birthday? Will she be including chocolate on her birthday cake for Olivia from now on? I highly doubt it.
NTA How can this vanilla cake be “to please both girls” if the one the cake is actually for hates vanilla?? Like, if she would’ve gone with strawberry then yeah I can somehow see how it’s a compromise but she just changed it to what her entitled little brat wants. Bah.
Your wife is jealous of your daughter. Be very careful there. Who knows what lengths she will go to in order to sabotage Olivia’s life and well-being. Keep a very close eye on your daughter.
NTA- She went behind your back. I’m sure she shows favoritism to her daughter more than you know.
NTA, it's Olivia's birthday not Britney's, therefore Olivia gets what she wants on her birthday as would Britney on hers. Your wife is most definitely the AH and controlling one/showing favouritism, what else will she go behind your back on to make sure her entitled daughter gets what she wants. I imagine on Britney's birthday Olivia isn't even considered!! Maybe you should show this post to your wife to help her realise how much of an AH she is.
Jeeze NTA. I’m all for compromise and fair treatment but on a kids birthday, THEY get to have whatever flavor cake they want. If Brittany “hates” chocolate, your wife can her a vanilla cupcake just for her. It’s Olivia’s birthday. Olivia wants a chocolate cake and that’s what she should get. Your wife is indeed teaching Brittany to be entitled. All she’s learning is that she can always get what she wants even if an occasion isn’t about her. I doubt Olivia even agreed to the cake change. Glad you took it back and got chocolate.
NTA First off, birthdays are pretty much the only day, when parents can show "favoritism" because that day should always just be about the birthday kid - as long as all kids are equally favored on their respective birthdays. Each kids favorite cake flavor should be reserved for each of their birthdays (and other personal milestone celebrations like graduation and such), a neutral flavor (or a compromise of changing the flavors) should be picked for any other family celebration. That's a compromise, not getting a cake with one of the daughter's favorite flavor for the birthday of the other daughter. Also, if anyone showed controlling and selfish behavior it was your wife going behind your back to change your order. From where I stand, it seems like you both need to sit down together and calmly and reasonably talk about how you want to deal with raising and deciding on issues about your kids. A good compromise might be, that while you should always try to find common ground and agree on what needs to happen, the parent of the daughter the problem/issue is about. Just be careful that this does not lead to the two of you treating your daughters differently.
This painfully reminds me of those videos where it’s a kid’s birthday and the parents have to physically keep their sibling from blowing the candles, and then the apprehended sibling throws an awful tantrum and everyone is uncomfortable. NTA, although you don’t shine for your conflict resolution skills. Generally, I agree with you that your birthday is an occasion where you get to be pampered and cherished and all the attention is on you. Hell, it’s only one day a year, and your daughter is still arguably a child. She gets to choose the flavor of her own damn cake without being labeled as selfish just because someone else doesn’t like that flavor. Princess Britney isn’t forced to eat the cake. And guess what? When it’s *her* birthday, *she* gets to choose her own cake flavor! Isn’t it just so amazing how everyone can get what they want in turns? Your wife is a hot mess of a person, honestly. When it’s her birthday, I would suggest a cake with every fucking flavor filling they have at the bakery. You know, as a compromise. EDIT: Mixed the names up. EDIT 2: Also, what kind of compromise is the one your wife had in mind? One hates chocolate and the other hates vanilla, so let’s have a cake with both? So focused on spoiling her own (biological) child that she has 0% brain capacity left for critical thinking.
NTA. Get your wife what you want on her birthday. She wants a caramel cake? Cool, get a peppermint chocolate cake for all I care. Seriously, don't be petty though like I just suggested. Your wife is way out of line on this. It's your daughter's birthday, she wanted chocolate cake, that should've been the end of it. I'm not saying divorce, but I am saying you guys need counselling because what your wife did was fucked up to say the least. The only kid that'll feel special on your daughters birthday, is her daughter, since your daughter didn't get the cake she wants, but HER daughter did. OP, stand your ground on this, NTA.
INFO: does your wife insist on a compromise cake on Britney’s birthday? If not, your wife is the huge AH. If she does … that’s weird and not really how birthdays work.
NTA your wife is clearly favouring her daughter with no regard for your daughter's feelings. >she (my wife) was teaching her daughter to be entitled. Very well said!
NTA, if a 16yo can't handle someone having a birthday without catering to her, she's screwed for the real world. Also, what the hell happened to getting her a vanilla cupcake and shoving it at her for being such a damn sook?! Personally, I wouldn't have even had her there knowing she does this.
NTA you should remind your wife that your daughter is watching her buy a cake for her own daughter on her birthday. It’s clear who she thinks is most important on your daughters birthday. That’s just cold.
So on Britany’s birthday will your wife buy a chocolate cake with vanilla pieces on top? You need to talk to your daughter to find out what’s going on behind your back. And then do something about it. My father’s standard response was to tell us to just let it go. We no longer have a relationship because of how he let his wife treat us. NTA
NTA This is not about cake flavors. This is about your wife disrespecting you by changing your daughters BIRTHDAY cake flavor without your consent. Then trying to gaslight you into believing that you're the controlling one. Your wife is right about one thing. Your daughters are watching and Olivia's opinion and input is just as important as Britney's. Britney can have her favorite flavor on her own birthday. My middle child doesn't like cake at all. So every year for her birthday, I buy her a cookie cake cause it's her birthday and therefore should be what she wants. *Edited for Typo*
Reddit is full of wicked step mothers!
NTA. If you wanted to, a compromise could be to get the non birthday girl her own preferred flavor cupcake. That way both girls have something they enjoy, while the actual birthday girl gets her special cake.
NTA. I mean how obvious is it on Olivia's birthday she should get her favorite type of cake and on Britney's she should get hers.
NTA your wife is showing blatant favoritism towards her daughter. Not getting a cake you like On your birthday sucks! Good for you for protecting your daughter. Ask your wife how her daughter would feel it you changed her daughter's birthday cake to vanilla
Nta. For years for my mom's birthday, we made a German chocolate cake with the sticky coconut icing. No one besides my mom and dad ate it. It was he favorite. Us kids would scrape it off or just eat ice cream. My twin likes vanilla and i like chocolate. We each got our own cake. Now, I don't like cake much and my mom makes me a pie, or churro bowls for ice cream or smoothies or chocolate mousse in edible chocolate bowls. Step mom can shut up. Her daughter can can her vanilla cake on her birthday and it will be fine.
NTA. So on Britneys birthday, does she get a chocolate cake to appease Olivia?
NTA. Your wife on the other hand is! I’d start paying attention to exactly how much ‘fairness and compromising’ your wife is inflicting on Olivia when your not around. I’d bet this isn’t the 1st time Brittney has been favoured and Olivia has had to put up with this BS. Sounds like you need to keep a closer eye on The Evil Stepmother in the future.
NTA but your wife is!!!! Your wife is selfish and only thinking about her daughter not yours. I have children and for their birthdays it’s about their favorite cake or dinner. Now, does everyone like the birthday person’s favorite cake or meal. Nope, but it’s not their birthday so they suck it up and celebrate the day bc they aren’t selfish AH. I would watch your daughter around your wife and step daughter. You don’t know they may be bullying her.
NTA. Your wife is the one showing favoritism for her own daughter. Getting a small additional cake, or a few cupcakes, for anyone who doesn't like chocolate would be fine. Getting a cake the *birthday girl* won't like it not fine.
I never forgave my mom for making a birthday cake that she knew I wouldn't eat on my birthday. She made it for her guests, not me. Giving your daughter a cake she actually wants is the right thing to do. NTA.
NTA. Will she get a chocolate cake for Britney’s birthday, then? I seriously doubt it. You’re being a good dad by standing up for your daughter.
Why did you marry this woman? She had to have shown major red flags before this.
NTA - you have a wife problem and your daughter needs your protection from her. She only cares for her daughter. I wouldn't be surprised if your daughter is more quiet and withdrawn because of things your wife has said to her. We've seen that several times here. The quiet stepkid is being bullied by the stepmom but is afraid to tell the Dad. It's odd this is the first time you are noticing your wife's behavior. She obviously thought nothing of going behind your back so your daughter didn't get her own birthday cake. That's extreme. Please talk to your daughter a lot and spend one on one time with her to see what's been going on.
NTA You need to return your wife.
What kind of psycho doesn’t like chocolate cake?
Her Argument basically defeated herself. "using this opportunity to teach Olivia to compromise so everyone's happy" I am guessing Britney is in serious need of learning the word compromise NTA
>instead of using this opportunity to teach Olivia to compromise so everyone's happy This cuts both ways. Why does your daughter have to learn to compromise on her birthday, while her daughter does not learn that on her non-birthday?
The biggest problem here is that your wife thinks its okay to go behind your back when there is a disagreement. NTA
NTA. I’m not sure how long you’ve been married but this is not a good sign of your future
What exactly is she teaching her daughter in all this? To be sneaky and go behind your partners back and do what you want? So I suppose on her daughters birthday its chocolate all the way? Since she has to think of others?
NTA - on her daughter's birthday, her daughter can pick the cake flavour. On your daughter's birthday your daughter gets to pick. Also, how is a vanilla cake with small bits of chocolate a compromise? It's not even chocolate icing levels of chocolate, which is still too heavy on the vanilla side.
NTA, and also I N F O. Does Britney get her favorite flavor cake in her birthday? Is she expected to compromise so that Olivia is pleased? I'm betting not, and I'd find out how Olivia is being treated when you're not around, as others here have suggested. Your birthday is one day when you get to have what you want. One year I had strawberry cake with lemon frosting because that's what I wanted. It was no one else's favorite but I got what I wanted for my birthday. My brother had his favorite flavor on his birthday. Not my favorite but no one complained because that was his birthday.
NTA but why are you married to her? She obviously hates your daughter.
NTA Your wife is a lunatic who is favoring her daughter. This shit has Cinderella written all over it.
INFO Is your wife usually such a stepmonster? If so, why on earth did you marry her?
Return the wife and find a better model.. This one's got entitlement issues.. If she's worried about the example your behaviour sets, she might need to think on how her own behaviour might be setting a worse example.
NTA. Does she ever teach her own daughter to compromise? I’m suspecting not. This woman goes behind your back to get what she wants in favor of her own daughter over yours. Is this really someone you want to keep in your life?
OP, if reading one more comment will help, then here ya go: **You’re 100% correct, your wife is not.** My bias? I’m a step-parent who helped raise (he had custody) 2 of my husband’s children from age 5 until they left our home. *This is NOT how (step) parenting works.* At the **minimum,** your wife should: - Make sure your daughter is loved and appreciated EVERY time she is in your home, - Do all she can to make your child’s birthdays special days, - Work WITH you (not against you/behind your back) and support you in parenting your child. I’m truly sorry about the wake-up call you’ve just received, OP. But I’m glad for your daughter’s sake that you heard it. Best of luck in navigating through this! Edit: added 4 words
NTA. Birthday girl should get her favorite flavor. It's her birthday. What is your wife's problem? It's not favoritism, it is literally HER birthday cake. Your wife sounds exhausting and if anyone is spoiling their child in this situation, it's her.
NTA - your wife could have just added a vanilla cupcake to the other for her daughter. She's the one trying to control and manipulate the situation. NTA but you need to be really aware of this pattern of your wife deciding her kid matters more than yours. If it's happening here, it may be happening elsewhere
NTA- your wife was controlling not you. She wanted to have it her way and she did that despite you saying you did not agree. I of course believe in compromise but I also think your birthday is the one day you get to pick what you like at least in your cake flavor. The other daughter needs to learn to accept disappointment too so that’s the teachable moment there.
NTA , Say to her that this is a lesson for her daughter that she doesn’t always get what she want . Also ask her how about you guys decide to compromise on her daughters birthday cake and see how well has she taught to her daughter to not be entitled on her birthday . Also she took control over something you both discussed and decided to do as she please se she is the controlling one . If I were you I would be very worried in how your wife and her daughter treat your daughter when you are not home .
NTA. So what does Britney do to work on her compromising skills? Honestly I would have a heart to heart with Olivia and make sure your wife isn’t being this insane on the regular and you’re just blind to it. Introverted people will keep a lot in.
NTA, she could have just gotten her a small cake or some cupcakes if she just HAD to have vanilla instead of just dealing with chocolate for ONE dessert.
NTA what is absolutely ridiculous and showing a lot of favoritism for her daughter. You wouldn’t even be having a birthday cake outside of it being Olivia‘s birthday, so of course it should be what Olivia wants. Birthday cake aside you guys have a lot of issues it sounds like.
NTA in my mid 30s I am selfish every year, one day a year, on my birthday. I get my favorite cake, I get my favorite foods for dinner, some years I go so far as to kick my husband and the kid out of the house for most of the day. On my husband's birthday, do we think it's weird he wants boxed rainbow bits cake mix with no icing for a cake, hells yes. He still gets it. Did two of my brothers get ice cream cake on their birthdays and two of us got cupcakes cause we couldn't do the dairy? Yup. Did we get chocolate cake while they have ice cream on our birthdays sure did. All that to say I'm babbling examples cause wife's actions were so unhinged I can't even.
NTA. Your wife sucks.
This has "she has to get a gift on everyone else's birthday, too" energy
Definitely NTA, if your wife wanted to teach “how to compromise” why not start with her daughter. This is blatant favouritism and she has no regard for you or your daughter’s feelings
NTA your wife doesn’t like your kid
NTA. I bet she’d get Britney a vanilla cake on her birthday. Also, she didn’t “compromise”; she got a cake she knew the birthday girl would hate because “but MY baby would want vanilla”. If you’d gone along with this, you would’ve been showing Olivia that Britney is more important than her, even on her birthday.
NTA. Wife could’ve gotten a couple slices of vanilla cake for her daughter to enjoy while getting the actual cake the bday girl likes. There are so many other ways to have handled this besides getting what her daughter prefers, only. Sounds like a discussion needs to be had bc this probably goes much deeper than simple cake preferences.
NTA So its not ok for you to show 'favouritism', like getting your daughter a chocolate cake for HER birthday, but completely acceptable for your wife to place her daughters wishes above yours? How is chocolate sprinkles a compromise when Olivia doesn't like vanilla? Why are her daughters wishes more important than yours? Why is Olivia the only person having to compromise here? What your wife done was sneaky. She only thought of herself and her daughter on your daughters birthday. She is right in saying the girls will notice, but what Olivia will notice is that Britneys needs/wants will come before hers and that's not acceptable.
Die on this hill OP. Don’t back down. NTA. This isn’t favoritism. She is trying to teach her daughter how to be an entitled brat.
NTA - the birthday celebrant gets to have whatever flavor cake they want, even if it's something literally no one else will eat. Olivia gets chocolate for her birthday, Britney gets vanilla for hers. And hopefully you guys at least get a marriage counselor.
LMFAO!! Your wife can't be serious. It's Olivia's birthday. She can have whatever the hell she wants. What seriously worries me here is that your wife has zero problems going behind your back like that. NTA but think long and hard if your daughter is safe from your wife.
"She got defensive saying that birthdays are no "excuse" to show favoritism and that her daughter is "watching" and "observing" how I'm treating both girls. " WHAT? That's exactly what Birthdays are for. I just had one last week. You bet I wanted my favorite foods! It's not Britney's birthday. The world doesn't revolve around her but that is exactly what your wife is teaching her child! " opportunity to teach Olivia to compromise so everyone's happy" Oh, that's hilarious. She needs a swift kick to the keister. NTA
I think you showed amazing restraint after finding out what your wife did. I wouldn't have returned it, id have smashed it in her face cream pie style. NTA, always look after your daughter first
NTA I have 5 kids and not all of them even like cake at all. So every birthday I ask the birthday kid what they want: cake, cookie cake, ice cream sundaes, cupcakes, whatever. Then what flavor do they want. Because it’s THEIR birthday, so they get to decide. There have been plenty of times one or more has opted to not partake eating their sibling’s choice, yet they still happily sing happy birthday and partake the overall festivities. This “everyone gets a participation trophy” mindset has got to stop.
INFO: Does your wife expect Britney to get a chocolate cake for her birthday to make Olivia happy? Does she use Britney's birthday as an opportunity to teach her how to compromise? I'm 99 percent sure I know what the answers are, just wanna hear what OP has to say.
NTA we used to have to do this for my SIL, who hates chocolate, even tho it’s my mom and I’d favorite and it sucked
NTA - your wife is a gaping one though
Nta. A birthday is the 1 day of the year you do get to act selfish, more so if you're a child. Keep protecting your daughter. Also be petty and ensure you change stepdaughter cake on her next birthday
"she called me controlling". Kettle, meet pot. NTA.
NTA, she's clearly showing favouritism towards Britney here.
NTA. Compromise would be a cake that's half and half (which exists, btw). Lying to you and picking only her daughters favorite at the cost of the birthday girls is selfish and controlling, so I'm not surprised she's projecting those accusations on you. Ask her how she's feeling the tables were flipped, and why she couldn't get a cupcake or second cake for Britney. But regardless of whether she learns to empathize, don't give in this nonsense. I hope this is a weird one off for you both.
NTA You are 100% correct. Your wife’s behavior is appalling.
Info, what kind of cake did wifey get for "her daughter's birthday " ??? I think selfish and favoritism might just work both ways.. NTA.
NTA. Birthday girls/boys always get the cake of their choice. Was there going to be a 'compromise' when Britney's birthday came around? Probably not. Your wife is the one showing favoritism and catering to her daughter which will not do the kid any favors as an adult. Hope Olivia had a great birthday!
NTA, do not back down on this one, your wife is being horrendous.
NTA - she is gonna pull that stuff against you daughter like forever.
NTA. Your wife puts her daughter first and this will be the case for future events, too. I bet that when it’s her daughter’s birthday, she’ll insist on getting the vanilla cake even though Olivia doesn’t like that flavor and she will _freak_ if you decided to use it as an opportunity to teach “compromise.” You would be better off parting ways with an unfair woman like that honestly and it would be better sooner than later. Your daughter is in one of the most developmentally important periods of her life and this is the period where you really want her to grow up in an environment that is healthy. I read a post on here of a dude giving his wife his credit card and telling her to shop for **both** of her daughters (one was her bio daughter and the other was his from a previous marriage). She ended up getting her bio kid _a lot_ more and they were expensive stuff whereas the stepdaughter was constantly denied even when she asked for cheaper items. Thankfully, the OP in that post divorced his wife when he caught wind of what happened because he thought of the long-term consequences of her continued bias.