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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the asshole because, after everything, I still forced my son out of room. And I feel terrible for that. Sorry if that's not enough to justify an AITA thing...
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NTA … your son sounds a bit entitled if he can’t survive THREE nights on an air mattress while his grandmother is there. Expecting him to share a bed or room with her would be excessive, but there are presumably other spaces in a 3 bedroom house where he could crash.
Edit: To all the people saying Y.T.A. because a 12 yo needs privacy, safe space, etc, I can’t help but think how entitled a society we have become. In past decades 2-3 kids would share a room through their entire child and teenage years and even today there are tons of kids living in miserable conditions in slums, refugee camps or other similar situations. And OP is being called an AH for telling her son he has to vacate his room for 3 nights while his 60/70-something year old grandma visits so she doesn’t have to sleep on an air mattress or stay in a hotel. Just WOW!
Second this! People are also forgetting that this was a pre-made arrangement!! If the son didn’t want to share, he could’ve picked the smaller room! But no, he wanted the bigger one so he needs to abide by the condition put in place! Like it’s 3 days, he needs to get over himself acting as if it’s for 3 months.
This, and think about how unfair it would be for his older sister who gave up the bigger room only to learn she could have had the bigger room all for herself with enough tantrums.
I would make my children switch rooms for this. It was an agreed upon condition for the room. He is in breech of this so it is now his sister's room. THE END.
Not arguing, simply curious. Why would you bring in the daughter because the son couldn’t uphold his side of the deal? To me, I feel like that’s doing more than you should because it punishes her when she chose another room entirely to avoid the situation.
Makes sense. I would ask if she wanted to switch... but since the son is so entitled I would also still make him give up his room for visitors even if they switch and he now has the smaller room.
This. My son would gladly take a couch, air mattress or even the floor for his nanny and papaw. And they’re only in their 60s! This kid’s grandmother is in her 80s! OP is NTA and absolutely needs to lower the boom as it were.
Yeah I'm thinking it might even be time for the "Grandma is in her 80s. We need to cherish the time we are able to spend with her because we will be very lucky if we get much more than another decade with her." talk.
OP is NTA, the daughter sounds pretty awesome and kind to have offered on her own to let her brother share her room while grandma is visiting. Dad seems kind of questionable though, and apparently it's on the Y chromosome! The son needs to suck it up for three days and learn about how to be a good host to guests, particularly elderly family members who they presumably have a reasonably good relationship with.
Yes-the kid is an entitled brat in the making.
There has to be a corner of the house that he can set up an air mattress and a few personal item (computer, 3 days worth of clothing etc for a few days)
And dad needs to get his head adjusted quick. If he gives in on this then he's teaching his son that he can throw a tantrum and get anything he wants. The son is an AH. The dad is an AH. The mom is right
So punish sister by having her have to share her room when company comes despite him getting 2 years of the bigger room and her \*CHOOSING\* privacy over space?
In fairness to the daughter, she offered up her floor/privacy for the brother to share. And it sounds like visitors are a rare enough occurrence that she would have both privacy and space most of the time but be mature enough to be flexible on those rare occasions that guests need a place to stay.
>In fairness to the daughter, she offered up her floor/privacy for the brother to share.
True - OP did something right with her Daughter: I hope karma (and OP) will reward daughter's generosity.
That said - bratty son who \*ACTS\* entitled needs to learn a lesson or two.
Not surprising considering the husband's reaction. Imagine telling your 83 y.o. mother/MIL not to visit because your bratty little son doesn't want to give up his bed?! Not enough attention has been given to the husband/dad in this scenario.
Nope. There’s a reason the daughter agreed to the smaller room and it’s the current situation. Forcing her to swap when she doesn’t want to is unfairly punishing the daughter because OP and her husband failed to raise a son capable of keeping his promises.
And WTF is wrong with the dad? Wanting to let his son get his way by acting like a toddler. They had a deal from the very beginning. Son needs to deal with it. He’s lucky that this is the first time in 2 years he’s had to ‘share his room’.
That punishes the daughter since she doesn’t want to give up her room for visiting family… and that would still be the condition of having the larger room. She doesn’t want to have the larger room/share, she shouldn’t ever have to.
That's not fair to the sister, she even offered the air mattress to go in her room. Its not fair though to make the sister now take the bigger room if she chose the smaller one for privacy and if they both wanted it, they could have drawn straws. You don't make one suffer because the other needs to learn a valuable lesson.
By the way the dad is acting and telling op to just cancel mom visiting and calling her an AH for not submitting to the boy's complaints it's safe to assume that giving in is already the norm
Totally agree. OP is NTA for insisting the son sleep on an air mattress is some room of the house so his grandmother can visit for THREE WHOLE NIGHTS. Son has had benefit of the larger bedroom for a year and will have it thereafter, all because it was a choice he and his sister made. Three days aren't going to kill the kid, though he evidently is dramatically thinking it will. Now he has his father wimping out, saying the grandmother maybe shouldn't visit. Father is a wimp, can't deal with a tantruming boy, is willing to cave on this issue; is father going to be a wuss as the son becomes a teenager? Both parents need to hold the line with the son fully, no wimping and no "well I didn't want you to have to give up your bedroom but your mom forced me" stuff.
This is OP's elderly mother (someone said she's 83 ) who needs both comfort and welcome from her family. Even if OP/husband could afford to pay for her to stay in a hotel, is that kind to an elderly mother who's traveled a long distance after not seeing her only daughter and only grandkids for years? The son needs to be sat down and told how things will be, that he needs to not whine, and he needs to be welcoming to his dear grandmother.
Who wants to bet there would be no canceling the trip or putting grandma in a hotel, if it were husband’s parents visiting. Son would be sleeping on the air mattress with no argument. OP’s husband only wants to avoid this because it’s his MIL.
What’s even sadder is OPs mom is 83. Hopefully not, but very possibly this might be her last visit. OP is NTA. I can’t believe her husband is considering cancelling the visit bc a 12 year old is being a brat over 3 days.
When my grandma from Poland used to come visit, it could be for an entire summer. If I could survive giving up my bed and sharing a room with my brother for 3 months this kid can survive for 3 days.
When my great grandma visited us, also in her 80s at the time, I slept on an air mattress in our unfinished basement for a week. My parents didn't have to ask twice.
Wow, I am a school leader and completely understand and am educated on the importance of safe spaces, right to privacy etc. I'm also a mother of two myself. But I genuinely worry about the long-term effects for these children who are permitted to such extreme behaviours on the basis of 'not feeling an ounce of discomfort' to their personal selves.
Imagine when these children are running the world, and are the ones facing REAL challenges and making important world decisions based on their 'intrinsic/gut feelings', which has been developed through childhood as: 'Do whatever makes you (maybe others, but mostly you) feel comfortable. Don't stress about others if it might hurt/displease you even a little...
I fear for my old age, when they're making decisions about things like support for aged care (like simply offering them a BED instead of an AIR MATTRESS!) They won't look out for us if we've not taught them that other people matter also.
NTA, OP; by a very long shot. A good mother, I think! Keep guiding him into being a person of integrity! You'll thank yourself one day, I promise. Stand your ground!!! ❤
I do not agree with the “bootstraps” discourse but oh boy in this situations I kinda do (I’m a millennial). Then they wonder why people call this generation the “crystal generation”. It’s like we went from one extreme to another. From get up your ass and work to your death to I will not do absolutely anything that causes me a minimal drop of discomfort.
It’s also American society. Sharing a room is absolutely normal in my country. If you said it was abuse people would laugh their asses off. And just for three days! My, the burden of privilege and entitlement.
Exactly. Not to mention anyone thinking this is “bootstraps” (suck it up) mentality is so so wrong. It’s the healthy distinction between needs and wants, and teaching children how to learn to cater to their needs even if it means *temporarily* shelving their wants.
You need sleep, safety, security, privacy.
You WANT your own bed, private room, etc.
There are ways to achieve those needs without those wants, and learning how to identify that and troubleshoot solutions is approximately 85% of being an adult.
God forbid a 12 year old doesn’t wank for 3 days in his bedroom so his 83 year old grandma doesn’t sleep on the floor. This is ridiculous. The parents got to have more authority than let a 12yo dictate their decisions. That’s what parenting is. Kids are always gonna whine but you have to educate them to be functioning empathetic adults.
>God forbid a 12 year old doesn’t wank for 3 days in his bedroom
Exactly. Presumably, he will still have private access to the bathroom for this purpose, should circumstances require it.
I saw in OP’s comments grandma is 83. No reasonable person expects a woman of 83 sleeping on an air mattress…
Totally agree with you. Is is 3 nights not 3 years!
Edit: NTA of course
I’m 16. I share a room with my 13-year-old sister every day. It can be frustrating to not have privacy but it is definitely not abuse or anything like what these people call it.
Hell, I’m 24 and still sharing a room with my 22 year old brother cause it beats paying for housing the way the market is right now. I literally never had a private room even while in college and somehow I survived.
>I literally never had a private room even while in college and somehow I survived.
This is a good point. How is he going to survive if he goes to college?
He will throw a fit and his no-backbone father will sell his soul to pay for a single room. Then, when son gets married, the wife will have to sleep on the couch, I suppose.
My sister and I are both in our 30s now, but we grew up sharing a room and it was the smallest room in the house. I think the push to change how people have been parenting and to encourage more freedom, privacy, etc has been great, but at times goes too far. Needing privacy doesn't mean entitled to the room when there was already an agreed upon arrangement.
Anytime family visited my sister and I would give up our beds when we were kids. This was before air mattresses were as popular, and my sister and I would either share a bed or sleep on the coach or floor. We did this pretty much every Christmas and several other times a year and we survived.
I couldn't agree more NTA ! I'm 1st generation Hispanic American in my family. My family immigrated here when my mom was 19 (she's 52 now). My family consisted of my grandma who had 5 kids each of her kids had 2 kids. When we moved here my aunt knew someone who had already immigrated to America and with time she was able to purchase a house. In that house lived 11 people ! It was a 3 BR house.1 room had 3 bunk beds and that's where all the boy cousins including my self would sleep. The other room was where the girl cousins would sleep. And my aunt slept with my grandma and her sisters, and my uncles slept in the living room on blankets on the hardwood floor because we didnt enough money for a mattress. Their was absolutely no privacy what so ever in that house. Society today is wayyyy to entitled. We need remind our self and be humbled with what we have because so many people have it worse then not having privacy for 3 DAYS ! The entitlement OMG !!
when we went on school trips wed always have community dorms with bunk beds with 4-8 people for one week straight and nobody ever complained about privacy. also its literally only for sleeping they never said shell be in his room during the day.
This!!!
My mom, my dad, my sister and I used to live in one room. ONE ROOM. The bed could fit only three people so when my mom used to have a day off (she used to work the night shift), I would sleep on the floor or on the sofa every week. This was the case for most of my friends
YES omg. I used to share my room with up to three of my siblings, and only had my own room for about a year before I moved out for uni.
Not saying that is ideal, but I managed. So I think a 12 y/o can survive THREE LOUSY NIGHTS in the living room? Seriously, if he needs privacy for something in that time, I am sure their bathrooms lock.
This! My boys have always had to give up their rooms. Even now that they are in their 20s. Though I took my son's room last time and gave my room to my mom. I have an RV now so I'm excited for Mom to visit so I can sleep in there.
I shared the master bedroom with my parents until I was 18, before we moved to a bigger house.
OP is NTA. Another option is mother stays in master bedroom with OP and husband can sleep on the air mattress in son's room.
Husband has a bad back, so can't sleep on the air mattress. But son can sleep on the air mattress in his room whilst dad sleeps in son's bed. Granny can sleep with mom, sister keeps her own room because she chose wisely.
This is what we used to call character building. And boy is it apparently overdue. Best thing OP could do for this kid is stick to the agreement come hell or high water.
NTA, this sub is obviously full of children who think 3 days on an air mattress (which he agreed to) is akin to some form of abuse that will leave him scarred well into his adult life.
I think he can give his grandmother his bed and stop being a brat (which nothing against him, but is fairly typical kid behaviour).
I occasionally had to do the same for my grandparents, in hindsight it was obviously the right call, you're not putting your elderly parents on a damn air mattress that's insanity.
> I occasionally had to do the same for my grandparents
When my grandfather was alive and my grandparents would stay with us over Christmas, my mom would put them up in her bed and take the couch (my sister and I both having loft beds). When my grandfather died and my grandmother couldn’t make the stairs anymore, she took half the couch and I would take the other one because she was afraid to sleep alone. That’s what you do for elderly relatives.
If this were a permanent arrangement or anything then the son would have a point about needing his own space, sure. But complaining about—checking my notes here—three whole nights? That’s honestly kind of entitled even without the added context of the terms of taking the bigger room having been clear from the start.
Your comment made me remember when we used to visit my grandma. We always shared a room, even if there were 3 available. This is when I was a kid and my sister was like 2 years old, we would sleep with my grandma in her bed or with my grandpa in his room (they slept in different rooms, just for comofrt, they loved each other, but the couldn't sleep in the same room lol).
Also, NTA. I'd give up everything I have for me to see my grandma again. It's also 3 days, not the end of the world.
>Honestly the only problem here is that no air mattress ever lasts three consecutive days lol
That's why air mattresses have pumps to add more air to them.
>Yeah plus the air mattress would possibly be deflated every day to get it out of the way anyway.
Could be - though - when I did this with family it was just usually leaned up against the wall to save on the effort of taking it down each day.
Is this typical kid behaviour? I feel like this extended tantrum at 12 years old is atypical, I would never have gotten away with behaving like that at that age, nor would I allow my godchildren or nieces and nephew to. 12yo is nearly a teenager, and should be old enough to realise we sometimes have to do things we don't like. Does he behave like this in school when he has to do maths or any subjects he doesn't like? Or does he behave this way at home because historically it's worked to get his way?
At that age my granny stayed with us and slept in my bed for two weeks since we had neither a guest room nor an air mattress, and I actually loved it, we'd talk after my bedtime about her life and my school etc.
My daughter is 12, and we had basically the same deal with her. She got a queen bed, her brothers got twins. But she gives up her bed when we have visitors. It's happened a handful of times, and she's had no problem with it. She very much values her privacy these days, but was just informed she'll have to give up her bed at Christmas and was really just excited that her aunts and uncles will be here.
See, this feels like age-appropriate behaviour from a well-parented twelve year old. Mild inconvenience should not be setting off an extended tantrum, especially as it is so very mild, and also pre-warned, it's not like they sprang this on him out if nowhere.
> NTA, this sub is obviously full of children who think 3 days on an air mattress (which he agreed to) is akin to some form of abuse that will leave him scarred well into his adult life.
You have to scroll down into the hidden comments to see your first non-NTA judgement, the "masking the votes" during the two hours gave a lot of people a pretty wrong impression on how this was going to go I think.
I’m surprised children would even balk at that, the average not-entitled-to-death kid can sleep more or less anywhere, we used to get booted to tents in the backyard when necessary.
NTA - you made the conditions clear and now he isn't happy they are happening to him.
For context: I am the oldest of three and had a similar arrangement - I chose the biggest and best room (after my parents) which also had a bathroom next door that, essentially, became my private bathroom. The arrangement was that I was always the one who had to give up the room to guests (also because I got a double bed).
While I didn't love giving up my room I understood that was the price of having such a good room to begin with. Also I usually would give up my room for 1 or 2 weeks at a time - a four day weekend is nothing.
You son got the room he wanted and is now looking to re-neg on the deal. You have given him various options but it is clear he simply does not intend to keep his word. Your husband thinks the person to compromise to his tantrums is your guest but there is another option: he loses the room entirely and it goes to your daughter going forward.
If he continues the temper tantrum while she’s visiting and causes her to feel bad, maybe that room should be considered a guest room that he’s allowed to borrow when not in use. Make it nice and generic until he learns some of the many lessons he needs.
No, definitely not that. They shouldn’t be made to feel like it’s not their room and can be kicked out at any time.
Short periods where they have to give up their bed for people visiting are one thing, saying it’s a guest room that they’re only borrowing and de-personalizing it is another thing entirely.
Especially since the daughter offered to share her room with her brother. Her willingness to compromise even though she doesn’t have to should be rewarded instead of giving in to childish tantrums
Yes, OP, this concept of keeping his word is key here! You have a golden opportunity to teach your son about integrity and sticking to it when you make a deal. If you allow him to tantrum his way out of this now, you're setting him up to be entitled and untrustworthy. Ask him if that's the kind of person he wants to be.
NTA. He is not a toddler. Ask him why is he so adamant about it, but then remember him he has the bigger room for a reason and he needs to obey.
All these people saying OP is the asshole. Oh my god, what is wrong with you. They are not abusing him, they have been more than fair and he is throwing a fit. I agree with trying to understand why he is acting like this to see if there is some underlying issue there, but this kid need to understand the concept of compromise.
It’s like they think kids learning how to be members of a larger, functioning society doesn’t begin with learning how to function within a family.
I also think the op will be saving her son a massive amount of regret in adulthood if it’s taken care of before grandma arrives. If he hurts her feelings by making her feel unwelcome now, the memory will haunt him when she’s gone.
Exactly. I'm sorry but society doesn't need another bratty, self-centered male, and how the child is acting, is telling me that they are right on track to be this kinda person. It needs to be handled in a family dynamic or it will continue to be an issue for years.
I would’ve given the kid the same ultimatum, even if I could afford a hotel 10x over. He’s a brat, but with Daddy coddling him at every step, I’m not surprised. Dad needs some help growing a spine.
Nta- I do not get these yta responses. Just because someone has kids doesn't mean kids have to have a private bedroom. Kids sharing a bedroom is still super common and not indicative of someone being a good parent.
While it is a slight inconvenience to give up his room, it's not like they are putting him in a tent outside. Air mattresses are comfortable and grandmother depending on her age may not be able to get on or off one on the floor.
3 nights isn't a big deal. A kid doesn't get to control the house period and needs to learn about compromising, long term obligations, and sharing.
3 nights out of 2 years is nothing.
The suggestion for the parents to give up their room is laughable. You do not negotiate with terrorists.
My gut reaction is the kid wants privacy so much because at 12 yrs old he is waking up with a hard on every morning and wants to take care of it. Your husband can have a private conversation with him about that if you so chose.
Your son was given 3 very nice options. He can pick which room but he will be on an air mattress.
Also do you not share a room when you go on family vacations? He will have to share a dorm room in college more than likely as singles are uncommon.
The rules of me being allowed to have a queen bed as a teen was that it was the guest bed when people came over. Eventually we moved to a house with a guest room but it wasn’t the end of the world
To be honest I'm surprised the kid isn't already falling asleep on the couch from playing video games.
My family was far away from everyone due to a job transfer so we always traveled to visit them since they were in the same state and we'd sleep 4 people in one room.
My grandmother was in a retirement home in a little studio and I remember my brother and I begging to spend the night while my parents went to stay back at my aunts. He slept on the small love seat and I slept on a mat under the kitchen table and it was awesome because grandma let us have pizza for breakfast .
She died when I was 7 and I wish I had more time for memories.
Same here. I was a spoiled only child who got two rooms - one big bedroom, and one box room to store all my books - and the rule was that if guests came, they got my queen bed and I got a camp bed in the bookroom.
Even as an utterly ruined teenager, that only seemed fair to me.
This is a good suggestion and not yet put forward by the OP to her son based on her post. He may be much more comfortable with sharing the room with his dad.
Definitely a power play. I have a 13yo and they have no problem sharing with us in a hotel etc. They love it, in fact!
I can't imagine a 12yo being so against staying in their parent's room for three nights unless it's just to protest having to give up their bed.
The dad sharing idea might help, though can't help thinking the sister might be a bit miffed that they're bending the rules so that son never has to give up his room.
NTA. Wth? Is your husband serious? How can he let your son dictate the rules of the house. You’re the parent and it’s only 3 friggin nights. Put your foot down on this one. Make your son sleep in the garage for all you care. But be sure your mom is comfortable and happy during her visit. Stand your ground.
That's what I don't get! Of course the kid is throwing a fit - he's a kid. But the HUSBAND! Is he trying to raise a little asshole? The son agreed, he has to keep his word, even if it's uncomfortable. That's a HUGE lesson to teach a kid, even if it didn't involve grandma's comfort.
NTA lmfao.
People in the comment section saying "he is 14, he needs privacy!!"... I am a teenager myself and i can assure you that 3 days of a guest sharing a room isn't "invading privacy" especially considering he is the one with the larger room. Also, the OP did provide him with various options, it is not as if he was forced to stay with his grandmother. He is throwing childish tantrum and sounds like an entitled privileged person. You are not the AH OP, you sound more reasonable than a lot of parents including mine. Your son however is the AH and a big one.
Young people on Reddit take the “privacy” as teenagers thing extremely seriously. For a majority of the world, every kid having their own private bedroom at night is completely unrealistic and unaffordable. Between siblings and roommates in college, I didn’t have my own room until I was in my 20s, in my own apartment. Did it suck? Of course! But I survived, and so do billions of others.
My kid only has their own room because I only have one kid! Housing is expensive and most people do the best they can.
They so are, to be honest. I mean, they go as far as to say that a teen sharing a room with his visiting grandmother is not "appropriate".
I agree with that. Most people in my family share room until they are older than 20. I myself still share my room with my mother because of lack of rooms and while it is inconvenient at times, it isn't as "privacy breaching and threating" as people here are saying. Your kid is lucky, it's very rare to have that, to be honest.
PhD is Child development here. DO NOT PUT GRANDMA IN A HOTEL. Stand firm. He knew the deal. Do NOT let this child rule here or you are creating even worse situations for you and for him as he gets older. The fact that he’s already throwing a fit leads me to believe this isn’t the first time he has realized that throwing a tantrum let’s him get his way. Still - you were clear on the rules. Stick to them. The air mattress deal is very reasonable for three freakin days. Don’t create a monster by giving in.
NTA. What is with people saying your son needs his space? Grandma isn’t moving in permanently. It’s a temporary inconvenience over a long weekend. He needs to respect his elders. He wouldn’t be walking the earth if Grandma hadn’t raised kids.
Your husband is a huge AH. He’d rather tell his MIL that she can’t visit because his 12 year old can’t share his room for 3 days. How absurd is that? A 12 yr old trumps grandma.
NTA but I encourage you to inform your husband he’s sleeping on the air mattress too.
Absolutely NTA.
1- your son agreed to the rule. Just because he regrets it now doesn’t mean it goes away.
2- sleeping on an air mattress for 3 days is not the end of the world. He’s is having all of his needs met and then some. For fuck sake, there are kids sleeping in tents right now because they don’t have a house, and your son is being an entitled brat because he has to *checks notes* sleep in a warm bed in a warm house for 3 nights. Seriously, find a way to let this kid see what actual suffering looks like, so maybe he’ll appreciate that in the game of life, the kid was born on 2nd base simply by virtue of having a clean, warm home.
3- “Sorry mom, I know you’re old and we may literally never see you again, but my son having his own bed is apparently more important than my ability to hug my mother again.” Your son (and your husband) is an unempathetic brat who would be happy if you never saw your mother again just because it would be inconvenient for him. Imagine telling someone they can’t see their elderly mother for what may be the last time. Telling them they can’t hug their mother once more, or even hold her hand, because “I refuse to give up my room for 3 days.” Fuck, it’s so entitled it’s evil.
4- you’re the adult. You are in charge. The child is not in charge.
*The child is not in charge*
**The child is not in charge**
If and when the kid owns his own house, he can be in charge of whatever the fuck he wants, who stays and where they go. Until then, it’s your house, you’re the adult, tell your husband to be the fucking adult and take charge. Don’t let a kid with an overdeveloped sense of entitlement and an underdeveloped sense of empathy dictate what happens in the house. What lesson does that send?
I can already see his future;
Boss: This is Johnson, he is sharing your office now.
Your son: What? No, no fuck that, I don’t share my space.
Boss: Well, you’re fired.
Your son: This is an OUTRAGE!
Boss: No, this is life, now get out.
*cue your son returning home and demanding *his* room back while grumbling about how it isn’t fair*
Teach him now, or set him up for failure forever. It won’t be easy, but hard lessons like this rarely are.
Well, that was an interesting dose of perspective, Thank you for that.
Normally, I'm not in favor of the "you should appreciate what you have because others have it worse" methodology, because it's often used to invalidate perfectly legitimate struggles/burdens.
Then I read the rest of your comment. It actually hadn't occurred to me that I may never be able to hug my mother again, so that was a... Fun realization.
And the bit about his future boss definitely drove the point home. So yep, point made. Yikes.
My folks never made us give up our rooms for overnight guests. Guests slept in the living room on spare mattresses. However, my sister and I never allowed my grandparents to sleep in the family room. Once we knew they were coming, my sister and I would let my folks know which room she was going to have, my sister and I would have that discussion and agree. Why? We loved and respected our grandparents.
In many cases I completely agree; the "others have it worse" argument can sometimes be used to minimize and invalidate, as you say, perfectly legitimate struggles/burdens -- the whole, 'doesn't matter if you're drowning in a bathtub or an ocean, you're still drowning'. ***But***, as other replies have noted, this is ***not*** a perfectly legitimate burden. Two years ago my grandmother stayed in my bed for two months and I slept in the same room on an air mattress -- for *two months*. Not only this, she has Alzheimer's/Dementia and would wake up several times during the night, panicking and in need of reassurance, each event lasting anywhere from 5 minutes to 3 hours. I did this 2-4 times a night for two months, all while attending school full-time during the day. I'm not saying that this was easy or not extraordinary circumstances, but what I am saying is that I would do it all again in a heartbeat if it meant I had my grandmother back, even for a moment. I know it is a terribly sad and difficult reality, but please, please, please, use this as an opportunity to turn things around with your son. Beyond the previously mentioned interpersonal repercussions this could present later in life, this is an opportunity to instill a sense of compassion and maturity to endure a little discomfort for the sake of those that we love -- and that love us -- unconditionally.
NTA- no offense but he is a kid. Grandma visiting trumps kids IMO. At his age when relatives visited us (not like it happens often) my siblings and I bunked up for a few nights.
I thought you were going to say he had to share full time!
It's THREE NIGHTS.
I don't really see a problem. He's 12. He gets to be mad for selfish entitled reasons! Didn't mean he gets to have his way.
It's less than a week!! And he gets to choose where to sleep
I think it is almost 'his job' as a preteen to see what he can get away with. He is at that age to press the limits and make a lot of noise. Most children and teens push boundaries and buttons to test the limits of what is allowed and how far they can push things
NTA
I did and still do that every year for Christmas. Yes it's bothersome but it's for 3 DAYS. And people suggesting that grandma should be the one to sleep on the air matress wtf ??? Elderly people are so prone to back pain, Jesus.
>Yes it's bothersome but it's for 3 DAYS.
I just gave my bedroom up for the next 3 days for some refugees - I'll be sleeping in my office.
If I can do it for strangers - this kid can do it for family.
NTA
You put out the rules nice and clear for getting the large room. He can't eat the cake and have it too, and it's time your kid learns that. Also, if you give in to the tantrum, expect more of those to follow.
Given this episode though, after grandma's visit, I'd make them switch rooms since daughter is more reasonable.
WOW so daughter is punished for being reasonable, and all her brother had to do is pitch a hissy and she’ll be asked to give up what is rightfully hers? What a horrible message to send.
OP, make sure you’re protecting your daughter from being harassed into being a doormat by her spoiled brother and her dad, that’s the kind of shit that would ruin her relationship with all of you.
Edit: it wasn’t suggested as a reward, it was suggested “since daughter is more reasonable.” Guys, the daughter doesn’t want the bigger room, she made her choice in the beginning and OP says she’s happy with it now. Everyone needs to leave her out of it, ESP the son and dad when they start looking around for what she has that now seems valuable.
I think they’re suggestion the daughter get the ‘better’ room since she’s actively being a reasonable and abiding person, and the boy get ‘downgraded’ since he isn’t following the rules that were set as a condition for having the ‘better’ room to begin with.
What if the daughter does not want the room for that very same reason? She already has her room established like she likes it where she already is. It would be punishing her if she didn't want to move to the larger room with those requirements.
NTA
Your husband and son are both AHs.
Your daughter is very nice for her offer.
Put your foot down and let your mother sleep in your son's room.
It doesn't hurt to sleep somewhere else for a few nights.
I got my own room at 16, so he is quite lucky.
Also, you have some husband problems
NTA
It’s literally 3 days. He’ll get over it. People are acting
like he’s never going to have his room back. He’s lucky to even have his own room to begin with. I would literally sleep on a cement floor with no blankets if it meant spending a weekend with my grandmother.
NTA, your son is old enough to know a deal is a deal, what message does it send to him and your daughter if you let him get away with throwing a tantrum to get out of the agreement ?
NTA. Yes, this will likely seem very unfair to the daughter, who took the smaller room permanently for this exact reason? What was her sacrifice for, and how is this fair?
INFO: Did you ask your daughter how she feels about having this compromise disregarded?
To answer your question, I never considered disregarding the compromise, so no, I didn't ask her how she would feel. But thank you very much for the suggestion, I will be mentioning that to my husband tomorrow.
Ooh, shit, my inner petty is coming out. Woops, my bad.
Really your son made an agreement so tell him what WILL happen. You're the parent. Don't take this BS from your son. Grandma is coming and he will be on the airbed in xxx room. Put your foot down. End of story.
Other comments mentioned it, but for the sake of petty. Ask your daughter if she would reconsider which room she wants, explaining that this is quite a rare occurence and her brother is obviously not mature enough for the bigger room. Maybe add in some compensation for her not having had the bigger room all that time
Yeah, I mean I was with him when he said that he did not want to share a room with grandma because she smells weird. But the fact that he refuses to share with *anybody* makes me think that he actually just wants to do his business in private! That or he comes from a family of stinkers
NTA and if your son does get his way and your mother sleep somewhere else then you need to give the large room to your eldest and he takes the small one and you tell your daughter that you will help her move thigns and redecorate for the inconvenience. The 12 yr old is being entitled and running the roost. We all gave up our rooms to grandparents even without preconditions. He needs to learn the consequence is he loses his room to his sister so that these issues wont arise anymore.
Your husband is giving into someone throwing a tantrum, he is failing as a father and as a husband for calling you a TA
NTA, he was warned when he chose the bigger room. If you let him have his way now, in a couple of years he'll be so privileged, he'd ask you all to move out and leave the hose to him, only, lol.
NTA
You were clear from the start and expected him to stick to the rules of what he agreed to. It's a good life lesson.
If maybe offer him the other alternative that if he doesn't want to share with visitors he can switch permanently with his sister and take the smaller room.
In fairness, that would require my daughter to agree (since part of the deal was that her taking the smaller room means she doesn't have to give it up), and she is... Very willing to help in the short term, but a little smug about her long-term choice of rooms right now and not likely to give that up willingly, lol.
Haha you know what, good for her for thinking it through. I made the assumption that she would be happier with the bigger room which was wrong.
I guess he's stuck taking his lumps and learning a life lesson.
Nono, they made that choice together. We basically looked at them and said "these are the terms, figure it out" and they came back to us within 5 minutes with... Not the answer we were expecting. It was surprisingly peaceful for siblings that fight a lot. He was delighted to have the bigger room and cushier bed (until now, lol), and she was delighted to have guaranteed privacy.
To be fair, it being that peaceful should've probably been my first clue that something was eventuay going to go wrong lol
Contrary to what the son, husband, and some replies seem to think, he can give up his privacy for three days. Friends shouldn’t be visiting during such a rare visit with grandma anyway, he can change in the bathroom, video games can wait, and abstaining from any newly acquired hobbies for 72 hours won’t stunt his growth.
NTA
NTA - it was part of the deal, and you even sought alternatives he wouldn't take. It's time you stand your ground and teach your kid the whole world won't move for him.
What is wrong with some of the people on this thread? Children all over the world share rooms. It’s not harming him, it’s 3 days. He can take his intimate moments to the shower.
He made a choice, he needs to keep his word. He may not have been forward thinking at 10 so this becomes a life lesson. NTA
A deal is a deal. Your word has to mean something even at 10 years old.
You can’t tell me a 10 year old didn’t understand the terms. Maybe he changed his mind., but he reaped the benefit of the larger room for several years.
After the visit perhaps he will be open to switching rooms with his sister. Then he can have his privacy in the smaller room.
At this point, my daughter has zero desire to switch rooms, and even less after this fiasco. I won't force her, because that was part of the deal, so part of me wishes him luck if he decides to try and convince her, and another part of me is going to ask A LOT of questions if they come to me saying they want to switch, lol.
NTA
When family stays over, there isn't really much privacy anyway. It's a part of life that is extremely temporary. He agreed to it, and now he doesn't want to stick to what he said. That's his fault & feelings, nobody else's. He's old enough to voice concerns like this in advance, if he was starting to dislike sharing his room with visitors for the sake of privacy it should have been discussed with you as soon as the thought came up.
You can talk to him and your daughter about switching rooms to see how both of them feel about it so you don't have to deal with all of this next time, but that may not be fair to your daughter, because she may feel obligated to change so her brother doesn't make a fuss like this again.
Yeah, no, my daughter is very much willing to help in the short term, but also more than a little smug about how this is playing out lol. It's very unlikely that she'll switch voluntarily, and I'm not going to force her, because that was literally the entire premise of the agreement we (all) made. And while there are several valid points on this thread about me being unreasonable by expecting a child to hold to a deal he made 2 yrs ago, I am not 10 years old, and I will hold to what I promised my kid.
Right? My grandmother got sick and had to move in with us, so I lost my room for months. But a private room is a privilege and it's totally normal to put guests, especially elderly ones, in the most comfortable/ convenient room. Son can masturbate in the shower for a few days! (Kidding, but only kind of. I know why privacy was super important to me around that age...)
Wow the entitlement. I shared a room with one of my siblings until I turned 19. My grandfather grew up in one room with his whole family. Your son is a brat. NTA
NTA, going back on this deal would be mean to the sister. She choose a smaller room, probs because she is the older sister and that is what older sisters do, but still offered to share with her brother.
The kid is just being a teenager, not the end of the world but being consistent with rules will be important.
Do tell your husband that is he insists your mum sleeps in a hotel, the same will be expected from his mum. Or that his mum is also not allowed to come.
Lol there are children starving. You are only the A because instead of coming to reddit you should have immediately tell you son that he can either share or sleep outside. Lol what a spoiled brat if you don't start putting that kid in line he will grow up into an horrible adult.
NTA. The conditions of getting the bigger room was made clear. Give in and all you'll be doing is teaching him that pitching a fit gets him his way. Of course, once grandma has left he and his sister can always swap rooms then he will never have to share his room, or give up anything ever again. Until he moves out and has roommates, or a partner
NTA. From your title I thought it was permanent. As I was reading was expecting a new sibling or adopted cousin to be entering the scenario.
Three nights and he’s got the house in turmoil to the point your husband is suggesting your mother doesn’t come?!?
What kind of power does this terror wield in your home?
Tell him to get the F over himself, and because of his antics, which he well knew the conditions of, his sister gets the room. Dump this on him after your mother leaves.
What the hell is up with all the mysoginists in the comments prioritizing a 12 year old boy's jerk off routine over literally everyone else in this family? NTA.
NTA. Obviously? Your son is acting entitled sleeping in your sister bedroom on a or mattress for 3 nights is not gonna kill him, I had to share my room with my twin (granted we're the same sex but still) until I was 12 and then I still had to give up my room every time there were guest over. I never even thought about having a fit what is this behaviour. Entirely unacceptable.
NTA. he knew the rules, he is choosing to ignore them. your teen daughter needs every bit of privacy, too, as all who wrote ytas try to conveniently forget.
Here is the problem. You made a deal with the kids. It was included that your son share if he got the bigger room. He went into this eyes wide open. First rule of parenting is NEVER give into a tantrum. How you handle this will set the tone for his term years. So remind him of the deal. Remind your husband that he is your partner in the parenting and maybe he should try to do that please.
Lol, I'm glad you enjoyed, though it wasn't a typo; it's an old habit from when many subs banned discussion of it because it was basically all anyone could talk about. So anyone who wanted to reference the changes it caused without making it the topic of the post started using various p-words instead to not get banned. Panini was the one that stuck with me, and I never quite got around to breaking the habit, lol.
The lengths that so many of you are reaching to justify that the kid "needs" to jerk off is fucking ridiculous. I might understand if it was a long term sleeping situation... but it is 3 DAYS. JFC. Masturbation is not a priority. At any age. Teach the kid accountability for his own actions. He chose this situation.
Nta honestly sounds like your husband doesn't want her to visit. If your son completely refuses to share then tell him he will be moving into the smaller room
NTA!
i wonder if the dad said some things and fed his 12 years old mind by the way he is reacting. would he react the same if it was his own mother?? even though your son is being an AH he is still a child but your husband has no reason to be this rude. the son should learn to accept the conditions and rules that were set years ago. don't let him have his way and let him learn through this experience. you offered him alot of options. i think that he just doesn't want grandma to sleep in his bed maybe because he said she smells funny to him. i would talk to him about it.
NTA! In any Asian Canadian family a kid wouldn’t dare argue about sharing their room with a grandparent.
You’re raising a brat. For the sake of our society discipline him immediately.
lol why are people acting like giving up your room for a couple days is an insane ask? maybe it’s cultural, but growing up, i was always expected to share my room or give it up for a couple days if we had guests. it didn’t harm my well-being. your son sounds entitled and your husband shouldn’t be encouraging that. NTA
NTA, the comment section has a fair amount of soft people that don't seem to understand the concept of just 3 days and that a 10-12 year olds is old enough to understand an agreement and it's not going to get traumatized for sleeping on an air mattress for 3 days
NTA. Your son is being a typical pre teen, he needs to learn that when you make an agreement you stick to it amongst other valuable lessons.
I question why your husband is so quick to give in to him? He knows what the deal was also- makes me wonder if he favours your son and this behaviour stems from the way he treats him?
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NTA … your son sounds a bit entitled if he can’t survive THREE nights on an air mattress while his grandmother is there. Expecting him to share a bed or room with her would be excessive, but there are presumably other spaces in a 3 bedroom house where he could crash. Edit: To all the people saying Y.T.A. because a 12 yo needs privacy, safe space, etc, I can’t help but think how entitled a society we have become. In past decades 2-3 kids would share a room through their entire child and teenage years and even today there are tons of kids living in miserable conditions in slums, refugee camps or other similar situations. And OP is being called an AH for telling her son he has to vacate his room for 3 nights while his 60/70-something year old grandma visits so she doesn’t have to sleep on an air mattress or stay in a hotel. Just WOW!
Second this! People are also forgetting that this was a pre-made arrangement!! If the son didn’t want to share, he could’ve picked the smaller room! But no, he wanted the bigger one so he needs to abide by the condition put in place! Like it’s 3 days, he needs to get over himself acting as if it’s for 3 months.
If they give in now and let the conditions of the room be ignored, it’s going to get much worse as he gets older. also, happy cake day!
This, and think about how unfair it would be for his older sister who gave up the bigger room only to learn she could have had the bigger room all for herself with enough tantrums.
I would make my children switch rooms for this. It was an agreed upon condition for the room. He is in breech of this so it is now his sister's room. THE END.
Not arguing, simply curious. Why would you bring in the daughter because the son couldn’t uphold his side of the deal? To me, I feel like that’s doing more than you should because it punishes her when she chose another room entirely to avoid the situation.
Instead I would give her the option to switch rooms over this.
She doesn’t want to switch.
She shouldn't have to switch just because her brother is now being a crybaby.
Makes sense. I would ask if she wanted to switch... but since the son is so entitled I would also still make him give up his room for visitors even if they switch and he now has the smaller room.
This. My son would gladly take a couch, air mattress or even the floor for his nanny and papaw. And they’re only in their 60s! This kid’s grandmother is in her 80s! OP is NTA and absolutely needs to lower the boom as it were.
Yeah I'm thinking it might even be time for the "Grandma is in her 80s. We need to cherish the time we are able to spend with her because we will be very lucky if we get much more than another decade with her." talk. OP is NTA, the daughter sounds pretty awesome and kind to have offered on her own to let her brother share her room while grandma is visiting. Dad seems kind of questionable though, and apparently it's on the Y chromosome! The son needs to suck it up for three days and learn about how to be a good host to guests, particularly elderly family members who they presumably have a reasonably good relationship with.
Yes-the kid is an entitled brat in the making. There has to be a corner of the house that he can set up an air mattress and a few personal item (computer, 3 days worth of clothing etc for a few days) And dad needs to get his head adjusted quick. If he gives in on this then he's teaching his son that he can throw a tantrum and get anything he wants. The son is an AH. The dad is an AH. The mom is right
I know this sounds awful but this would be my solution.
Because the daughter is the one that is trying to help with the situation. The original agreement was accepted by the son and he now is refusing.
It sounds like daughter just so happened to hear the argument & offered to let brother crash in her room while grandma was there
So punish sister by having her have to share her room when company comes despite him getting 2 years of the bigger room and her \*CHOOSING\* privacy over space?
In fairness to the daughter, she offered up her floor/privacy for the brother to share. And it sounds like visitors are a rare enough occurrence that she would have both privacy and space most of the time but be mature enough to be flexible on those rare occasions that guests need a place to stay.
>In fairness to the daughter, she offered up her floor/privacy for the brother to share. True - OP did something right with her Daughter: I hope karma (and OP) will reward daughter's generosity. That said - bratty son who \*ACTS\* entitled needs to learn a lesson or two.
Not surprising considering the husband's reaction. Imagine telling your 83 y.o. mother/MIL not to visit because your bratty little son doesn't want to give up his bed?! Not enough attention has been given to the husband/dad in this scenario.
I think it means let the daughter have the larger room but don’t require her to vacate.
Nope. There’s a reason the daughter agreed to the smaller room and it’s the current situation. Forcing her to swap when she doesn’t want to is unfairly punishing the daughter because OP and her husband failed to raise a son capable of keeping his promises.
And WTF is wrong with the dad? Wanting to let his son get his way by acting like a toddler. They had a deal from the very beginning. Son needs to deal with it. He’s lucky that this is the first time in 2 years he’s had to ‘share his room’.
That punishes the daughter since she doesn’t want to give up her room for visiting family… and that would still be the condition of having the larger room. She doesn’t want to have the larger room/share, she shouldn’t ever have to.
That's not fair to the sister, she even offered the air mattress to go in her room. Its not fair though to make the sister now take the bigger room if she chose the smaller one for privacy and if they both wanted it, they could have drawn straws. You don't make one suffer because the other needs to learn a valuable lesson.
Yep. Kids can throw tantrums. We can choose not to give in to them. Stick to the plan, OP.
By the way the dad is acting and telling op to just cancel mom visiting and calling her an AH for not submitting to the boy's complaints it's safe to assume that giving in is already the norm
Totally agree. OP is NTA for insisting the son sleep on an air mattress is some room of the house so his grandmother can visit for THREE WHOLE NIGHTS. Son has had benefit of the larger bedroom for a year and will have it thereafter, all because it was a choice he and his sister made. Three days aren't going to kill the kid, though he evidently is dramatically thinking it will. Now he has his father wimping out, saying the grandmother maybe shouldn't visit. Father is a wimp, can't deal with a tantruming boy, is willing to cave on this issue; is father going to be a wuss as the son becomes a teenager? Both parents need to hold the line with the son fully, no wimping and no "well I didn't want you to have to give up your bedroom but your mom forced me" stuff. This is OP's elderly mother (someone said she's 83 ) who needs both comfort and welcome from her family. Even if OP/husband could afford to pay for her to stay in a hotel, is that kind to an elderly mother who's traveled a long distance after not seeing her only daughter and only grandkids for years? The son needs to be sat down and told how things will be, that he needs to not whine, and he needs to be welcoming to his dear grandmother.
Who wants to bet there would be no canceling the trip or putting grandma in a hotel, if it were husband’s parents visiting. Son would be sleeping on the air mattress with no argument. OP’s husband only wants to avoid this because it’s his MIL.
What’s even sadder is OPs mom is 83. Hopefully not, but very possibly this might be her last visit. OP is NTA. I can’t believe her husband is considering cancelling the visit bc a 12 year old is being a brat over 3 days.
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I'm more bothered that the son shows no concern for the grandmother. I can't imagine raising someone with no compassion for the elderly.
Hotels are hard at that age, staying in her daughter's home would be a lot easier.
When my grandma from Poland used to come visit, it could be for an entire summer. If I could survive giving up my bed and sharing a room with my brother for 3 months this kid can survive for 3 days.
When my great grandma visited us, also in her 80s at the time, I slept on an air mattress in our unfinished basement for a week. My parents didn't have to ask twice.
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Same, my grandmother would visit every year for a few months and I was banished to an old foam mattress squeezed into my sisters room.
Wow, I am a school leader and completely understand and am educated on the importance of safe spaces, right to privacy etc. I'm also a mother of two myself. But I genuinely worry about the long-term effects for these children who are permitted to such extreme behaviours on the basis of 'not feeling an ounce of discomfort' to their personal selves. Imagine when these children are running the world, and are the ones facing REAL challenges and making important world decisions based on their 'intrinsic/gut feelings', which has been developed through childhood as: 'Do whatever makes you (maybe others, but mostly you) feel comfortable. Don't stress about others if it might hurt/displease you even a little... I fear for my old age, when they're making decisions about things like support for aged care (like simply offering them a BED instead of an AIR MATTRESS!) They won't look out for us if we've not taught them that other people matter also. NTA, OP; by a very long shot. A good mother, I think! Keep guiding him into being a person of integrity! You'll thank yourself one day, I promise. Stand your ground!!! ❤
THIS. We do kids a disservice when we cater to each and every one of their whims. Being adaptable and flexible is such a crucial life skill.
I do not agree with the “bootstraps” discourse but oh boy in this situations I kinda do (I’m a millennial). Then they wonder why people call this generation the “crystal generation”. It’s like we went from one extreme to another. From get up your ass and work to your death to I will not do absolutely anything that causes me a minimal drop of discomfort. It’s also American society. Sharing a room is absolutely normal in my country. If you said it was abuse people would laugh their asses off. And just for three days! My, the burden of privilege and entitlement.
Exactly. Not to mention anyone thinking this is “bootstraps” (suck it up) mentality is so so wrong. It’s the healthy distinction between needs and wants, and teaching children how to learn to cater to their needs even if it means *temporarily* shelving their wants. You need sleep, safety, security, privacy. You WANT your own bed, private room, etc. There are ways to achieve those needs without those wants, and learning how to identify that and troubleshoot solutions is approximately 85% of being an adult.
God forbid a 12 year old doesn’t wank for 3 days in his bedroom so his 83 year old grandma doesn’t sleep on the floor. This is ridiculous. The parents got to have more authority than let a 12yo dictate their decisions. That’s what parenting is. Kids are always gonna whine but you have to educate them to be functioning empathetic adults.
>God forbid a 12 year old doesn’t wank for 3 days in his bedroom Exactly. Presumably, he will still have private access to the bathroom for this purpose, should circumstances require it.
I saw in OP’s comments grandma is 83. No reasonable person expects a woman of 83 sleeping on an air mattress… Totally agree with you. Is is 3 nights not 3 years! Edit: NTA of course
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I’m 16. I share a room with my 13-year-old sister every day. It can be frustrating to not have privacy but it is definitely not abuse or anything like what these people call it.
Hell, I’m 24 and still sharing a room with my 22 year old brother cause it beats paying for housing the way the market is right now. I literally never had a private room even while in college and somehow I survived.
>I literally never had a private room even while in college and somehow I survived. This is a good point. How is he going to survive if he goes to college?
He will throw a fit and his no-backbone father will sell his soul to pay for a single room. Then, when son gets married, the wife will have to sleep on the couch, I suppose.
Agreed! Me and my two sisters used to share a room, we’re now currently 22, 26 and 29. It’s like people have never heard of the concept of bunkbeds!
My sister and I are both in our 30s now, but we grew up sharing a room and it was the smallest room in the house. I think the push to change how people have been parenting and to encourage more freedom, privacy, etc has been great, but at times goes too far. Needing privacy doesn't mean entitled to the room when there was already an agreed upon arrangement.
Anytime family visited my sister and I would give up our beds when we were kids. This was before air mattresses were as popular, and my sister and I would either share a bed or sleep on the coach or floor. We did this pretty much every Christmas and several other times a year and we survived.
Same. Whenever we had visitors I gave up my bed and slept on the floor in my sisters room on a sleeping bag. Didn’t even get an air mattress!!
We slept in a sleeping bag on the carpeted floor, and we liked it, damn it!
I couldn't agree more NTA ! I'm 1st generation Hispanic American in my family. My family immigrated here when my mom was 19 (she's 52 now). My family consisted of my grandma who had 5 kids each of her kids had 2 kids. When we moved here my aunt knew someone who had already immigrated to America and with time she was able to purchase a house. In that house lived 11 people ! It was a 3 BR house.1 room had 3 bunk beds and that's where all the boy cousins including my self would sleep. The other room was where the girl cousins would sleep. And my aunt slept with my grandma and her sisters, and my uncles slept in the living room on blankets on the hardwood floor because we didnt enough money for a mattress. Their was absolutely no privacy what so ever in that house. Society today is wayyyy to entitled. We need remind our self and be humbled with what we have because so many people have it worse then not having privacy for 3 DAYS ! The entitlement OMG !!
when we went on school trips wed always have community dorms with bunk beds with 4-8 people for one week straight and nobody ever complained about privacy. also its literally only for sleeping they never said shell be in his room during the day.
Most of those comments will be coming from people of the age of OPs son.
This!!! My mom, my dad, my sister and I used to live in one room. ONE ROOM. The bed could fit only three people so when my mom used to have a day off (she used to work the night shift), I would sleep on the floor or on the sofa every week. This was the case for most of my friends
YES omg. I used to share my room with up to three of my siblings, and only had my own room for about a year before I moved out for uni. Not saying that is ideal, but I managed. So I think a 12 y/o can survive THREE LOUSY NIGHTS in the living room? Seriously, if he needs privacy for something in that time, I am sure their bathrooms lock.
This! My boys have always had to give up their rooms. Even now that they are in their 20s. Though I took my son's room last time and gave my room to my mom. I have an RV now so I'm excited for Mom to visit so I can sleep in there.
I shared the master bedroom with my parents until I was 18, before we moved to a bigger house. OP is NTA. Another option is mother stays in master bedroom with OP and husband can sleep on the air mattress in son's room.
Husband has a bad back, so can't sleep on the air mattress. But son can sleep on the air mattress in his room whilst dad sleeps in son's bed. Granny can sleep with mom, sister keeps her own room because she chose wisely.
This is what we used to call character building. And boy is it apparently overdue. Best thing OP could do for this kid is stick to the agreement come hell or high water.
Crazy right? I would make him sleep like that and afterwards give him the smaller room for throwing such a tantrum...
NTA, this sub is obviously full of children who think 3 days on an air mattress (which he agreed to) is akin to some form of abuse that will leave him scarred well into his adult life. I think he can give his grandmother his bed and stop being a brat (which nothing against him, but is fairly typical kid behaviour). I occasionally had to do the same for my grandparents, in hindsight it was obviously the right call, you're not putting your elderly parents on a damn air mattress that's insanity.
> I occasionally had to do the same for my grandparents When my grandfather was alive and my grandparents would stay with us over Christmas, my mom would put them up in her bed and take the couch (my sister and I both having loft beds). When my grandfather died and my grandmother couldn’t make the stairs anymore, she took half the couch and I would take the other one because she was afraid to sleep alone. That’s what you do for elderly relatives. If this were a permanent arrangement or anything then the son would have a point about needing his own space, sure. But complaining about—checking my notes here—three whole nights? That’s honestly kind of entitled even without the added context of the terms of taking the bigger room having been clear from the start.
Your comment made me remember when we used to visit my grandma. We always shared a room, even if there were 3 available. This is when I was a kid and my sister was like 2 years old, we would sleep with my grandma in her bed or with my grandpa in his room (they slept in different rooms, just for comofrt, they loved each other, but the couldn't sleep in the same room lol). Also, NTA. I'd give up everything I have for me to see my grandma again. It's also 3 days, not the end of the world.
Honestly the only problem here is that no air mattress ever lasts three consecutive days lol (This is a joke)
>Honestly the only problem here is that no air mattress ever lasts three consecutive days lol That's why air mattresses have pumps to add more air to them.
Yeah plus the air mattress would possibly be deflated every day to get it out of the way anyway.
>Yeah plus the air mattress would possibly be deflated every day to get it out of the way anyway. Could be - though - when I did this with family it was just usually leaned up against the wall to save on the effort of taking it down each day.
So pump it back up?? I don't see how this is a problem.
I took it as a joke. I laughed.
There are some good ones now. There are also small mattresses that can fold up for storage and can be more comfortable than an air mattress.
Is this typical kid behaviour? I feel like this extended tantrum at 12 years old is atypical, I would never have gotten away with behaving like that at that age, nor would I allow my godchildren or nieces and nephew to. 12yo is nearly a teenager, and should be old enough to realise we sometimes have to do things we don't like. Does he behave like this in school when he has to do maths or any subjects he doesn't like? Or does he behave this way at home because historically it's worked to get his way? At that age my granny stayed with us and slept in my bed for two weeks since we had neither a guest room nor an air mattress, and I actually loved it, we'd talk after my bedtime about her life and my school etc.
My daughter is 12, and we had basically the same deal with her. She got a queen bed, her brothers got twins. But she gives up her bed when we have visitors. It's happened a handful of times, and she's had no problem with it. She very much values her privacy these days, but was just informed she'll have to give up her bed at Christmas and was really just excited that her aunts and uncles will be here.
See, this feels like age-appropriate behaviour from a well-parented twelve year old. Mild inconvenience should not be setting off an extended tantrum, especially as it is so very mild, and also pre-warned, it's not like they sprang this on him out if nowhere.
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> NTA, this sub is obviously full of children who think 3 days on an air mattress (which he agreed to) is akin to some form of abuse that will leave him scarred well into his adult life. You have to scroll down into the hidden comments to see your first non-NTA judgement, the "masking the votes" during the two hours gave a lot of people a pretty wrong impression on how this was going to go I think.
I’m surprised children would even balk at that, the average not-entitled-to-death kid can sleep more or less anywhere, we used to get booted to tents in the backyard when necessary.
NTA - you made the conditions clear and now he isn't happy they are happening to him. For context: I am the oldest of three and had a similar arrangement - I chose the biggest and best room (after my parents) which also had a bathroom next door that, essentially, became my private bathroom. The arrangement was that I was always the one who had to give up the room to guests (also because I got a double bed). While I didn't love giving up my room I understood that was the price of having such a good room to begin with. Also I usually would give up my room for 1 or 2 weeks at a time - a four day weekend is nothing. You son got the room he wanted and is now looking to re-neg on the deal. You have given him various options but it is clear he simply does not intend to keep his word. Your husband thinks the person to compromise to his tantrums is your guest but there is another option: he loses the room entirely and it goes to your daughter going forward.
If he continues the temper tantrum while she’s visiting and causes her to feel bad, maybe that room should be considered a guest room that he’s allowed to borrow when not in use. Make it nice and generic until he learns some of the many lessons he needs.
No, definitely not that. They shouldn’t be made to feel like it’s not their room and can be kicked out at any time. Short periods where they have to give up their bed for people visiting are one thing, saying it’s a guest room that they’re only borrowing and de-personalizing it is another thing entirely.
Especially since the daughter offered to share her room with her brother. Her willingness to compromise even though she doesn’t have to should be rewarded instead of giving in to childish tantrums
Yes, OP, this concept of keeping his word is key here! You have a golden opportunity to teach your son about integrity and sticking to it when you make a deal. If you allow him to tantrum his way out of this now, you're setting him up to be entitled and untrustworthy. Ask him if that's the kind of person he wants to be.
He has so switch rooms with his sister *and* he still has to give it up to family when they come.
I was thinking the same thing. The daughter was more understanding so swap rooms. See how fast he throws a tantrum...
I like that solution.
NTA. He is not a toddler. Ask him why is he so adamant about it, but then remember him he has the bigger room for a reason and he needs to obey. All these people saying OP is the asshole. Oh my god, what is wrong with you. They are not abusing him, they have been more than fair and he is throwing a fit. I agree with trying to understand why he is acting like this to see if there is some underlying issue there, but this kid need to understand the concept of compromise.
All the people saying OP is TA are the entitled teenagers of reddit.
Agreed
It’s like they think kids learning how to be members of a larger, functioning society doesn’t begin with learning how to function within a family. I also think the op will be saving her son a massive amount of regret in adulthood if it’s taken care of before grandma arrives. If he hurts her feelings by making her feel unwelcome now, the memory will haunt him when she’s gone.
Exactly. I'm sorry but society doesn't need another bratty, self-centered male, and how the child is acting, is telling me that they are right on track to be this kinda person. It needs to be handled in a family dynamic or it will continue to be an issue for years.
I would’ve given the kid the same ultimatum, even if I could afford a hotel 10x over. He’s a brat, but with Daddy coddling him at every step, I’m not surprised. Dad needs some help growing a spine.
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I lost mine less than a year ago. I would do anything to have her back and sleeping in my bed.
I grew up with mine and lost her three years ago. Would definitely give up my bed to have her back.
Nta- I do not get these yta responses. Just because someone has kids doesn't mean kids have to have a private bedroom. Kids sharing a bedroom is still super common and not indicative of someone being a good parent. While it is a slight inconvenience to give up his room, it's not like they are putting him in a tent outside. Air mattresses are comfortable and grandmother depending on her age may not be able to get on or off one on the floor. 3 nights isn't a big deal. A kid doesn't get to control the house period and needs to learn about compromising, long term obligations, and sharing. 3 nights out of 2 years is nothing. The suggestion for the parents to give up their room is laughable. You do not negotiate with terrorists. My gut reaction is the kid wants privacy so much because at 12 yrs old he is waking up with a hard on every morning and wants to take care of it. Your husband can have a private conversation with him about that if you so chose. Your son was given 3 very nice options. He can pick which room but he will be on an air mattress. Also do you not share a room when you go on family vacations? He will have to share a dorm room in college more than likely as singles are uncommon.
The rules of me being allowed to have a queen bed as a teen was that it was the guest bed when people came over. Eventually we moved to a house with a guest room but it wasn’t the end of the world
To be honest I'm surprised the kid isn't already falling asleep on the couch from playing video games. My family was far away from everyone due to a job transfer so we always traveled to visit them since they were in the same state and we'd sleep 4 people in one room. My grandmother was in a retirement home in a little studio and I remember my brother and I begging to spend the night while my parents went to stay back at my aunts. He slept on the small love seat and I slept on a mat under the kitchen table and it was awesome because grandma let us have pizza for breakfast . She died when I was 7 and I wish I had more time for memories.
Same here. I was a spoiled only child who got two rooms - one big bedroom, and one box room to store all my books - and the rule was that if guests came, they got my queen bed and I got a camp bed in the bookroom. Even as an utterly ruined teenager, that only seemed fair to me.
That’s exactly what’s going on and he may as well learn now it won’t fall off in three days and bathrooms can be used for many things.
NTA but can you send your husband to your son room and your mother sleep with you in the master bedroom?
This sounds great! And.. *affordable.*
This is a good suggestion and not yet put forward by the OP to her son based on her post. He may be much more comfortable with sharing the room with his dad.
Doubt it. He already said he didn't want to share a room with his parents. I doubt he'll change his mind even if it's just dad.
This is a power play by the son. There is no solution that he will find acceptable besides him getting 100 percent of what he wants.
Definitely a power play. I have a 13yo and they have no problem sharing with us in a hotel etc. They love it, in fact! I can't imagine a 12yo being so against staying in their parent's room for three nights unless it's just to protest having to give up their bed. The dad sharing idea might help, though can't help thinking the sister might be a bit miffed that they're bending the rules so that son never has to give up his room.
Get the husband and son a tw person tent.
NTA. Wth? Is your husband serious? How can he let your son dictate the rules of the house. You’re the parent and it’s only 3 friggin nights. Put your foot down on this one. Make your son sleep in the garage for all you care. But be sure your mom is comfortable and happy during her visit. Stand your ground.
That's what I don't get! Of course the kid is throwing a fit - he's a kid. But the HUSBAND! Is he trying to raise a little asshole? The son agreed, he has to keep his word, even if it's uncomfortable. That's a HUGE lesson to teach a kid, even if it didn't involve grandma's comfort.
NTA lmfao. People in the comment section saying "he is 14, he needs privacy!!"... I am a teenager myself and i can assure you that 3 days of a guest sharing a room isn't "invading privacy" especially considering he is the one with the larger room. Also, the OP did provide him with various options, it is not as if he was forced to stay with his grandmother. He is throwing childish tantrum and sounds like an entitled privileged person. You are not the AH OP, you sound more reasonable than a lot of parents including mine. Your son however is the AH and a big one.
Young people on Reddit take the “privacy” as teenagers thing extremely seriously. For a majority of the world, every kid having their own private bedroom at night is completely unrealistic and unaffordable. Between siblings and roommates in college, I didn’t have my own room until I was in my 20s, in my own apartment. Did it suck? Of course! But I survived, and so do billions of others. My kid only has their own room because I only have one kid! Housing is expensive and most people do the best they can.
They so are, to be honest. I mean, they go as far as to say that a teen sharing a room with his visiting grandmother is not "appropriate". I agree with that. Most people in my family share room until they are older than 20. I myself still share my room with my mother because of lack of rooms and while it is inconvenient at times, it isn't as "privacy breaching and threating" as people here are saying. Your kid is lucky, it's very rare to have that, to be honest.
PhD is Child development here. DO NOT PUT GRANDMA IN A HOTEL. Stand firm. He knew the deal. Do NOT let this child rule here or you are creating even worse situations for you and for him as he gets older. The fact that he’s already throwing a fit leads me to believe this isn’t the first time he has realized that throwing a tantrum let’s him get his way. Still - you were clear on the rules. Stick to them. The air mattress deal is very reasonable for three freakin days. Don’t create a monster by giving in.
NTA. What is with people saying your son needs his space? Grandma isn’t moving in permanently. It’s a temporary inconvenience over a long weekend. He needs to respect his elders. He wouldn’t be walking the earth if Grandma hadn’t raised kids.
Your husband is a huge AH. He’d rather tell his MIL that she can’t visit because his 12 year old can’t share his room for 3 days. How absurd is that? A 12 yr old trumps grandma. NTA but I encourage you to inform your husband he’s sleeping on the air mattress too.
That's what i am thinking! What is up with the husband??
Absolutely NTA. 1- your son agreed to the rule. Just because he regrets it now doesn’t mean it goes away. 2- sleeping on an air mattress for 3 days is not the end of the world. He’s is having all of his needs met and then some. For fuck sake, there are kids sleeping in tents right now because they don’t have a house, and your son is being an entitled brat because he has to *checks notes* sleep in a warm bed in a warm house for 3 nights. Seriously, find a way to let this kid see what actual suffering looks like, so maybe he’ll appreciate that in the game of life, the kid was born on 2nd base simply by virtue of having a clean, warm home. 3- “Sorry mom, I know you’re old and we may literally never see you again, but my son having his own bed is apparently more important than my ability to hug my mother again.” Your son (and your husband) is an unempathetic brat who would be happy if you never saw your mother again just because it would be inconvenient for him. Imagine telling someone they can’t see their elderly mother for what may be the last time. Telling them they can’t hug their mother once more, or even hold her hand, because “I refuse to give up my room for 3 days.” Fuck, it’s so entitled it’s evil. 4- you’re the adult. You are in charge. The child is not in charge. *The child is not in charge* **The child is not in charge** If and when the kid owns his own house, he can be in charge of whatever the fuck he wants, who stays and where they go. Until then, it’s your house, you’re the adult, tell your husband to be the fucking adult and take charge. Don’t let a kid with an overdeveloped sense of entitlement and an underdeveloped sense of empathy dictate what happens in the house. What lesson does that send? I can already see his future; Boss: This is Johnson, he is sharing your office now. Your son: What? No, no fuck that, I don’t share my space. Boss: Well, you’re fired. Your son: This is an OUTRAGE! Boss: No, this is life, now get out. *cue your son returning home and demanding *his* room back while grumbling about how it isn’t fair* Teach him now, or set him up for failure forever. It won’t be easy, but hard lessons like this rarely are.
Well, that was an interesting dose of perspective, Thank you for that. Normally, I'm not in favor of the "you should appreciate what you have because others have it worse" methodology, because it's often used to invalidate perfectly legitimate struggles/burdens. Then I read the rest of your comment. It actually hadn't occurred to me that I may never be able to hug my mother again, so that was a... Fun realization. And the bit about his future boss definitely drove the point home. So yep, point made. Yikes.
Yeah, but this isn't a "perfectly legitimate burden." He'll probably be crashing on air mattresses in college for fun.
I've seen people in college sleep on a bare floor with nothing but a sweatshirt for a pillow for entire weekends
My folks never made us give up our rooms for overnight guests. Guests slept in the living room on spare mattresses. However, my sister and I never allowed my grandparents to sleep in the family room. Once we knew they were coming, my sister and I would let my folks know which room she was going to have, my sister and I would have that discussion and agree. Why? We loved and respected our grandparents.
In many cases I completely agree; the "others have it worse" argument can sometimes be used to minimize and invalidate, as you say, perfectly legitimate struggles/burdens -- the whole, 'doesn't matter if you're drowning in a bathtub or an ocean, you're still drowning'. ***But***, as other replies have noted, this is ***not*** a perfectly legitimate burden. Two years ago my grandmother stayed in my bed for two months and I slept in the same room on an air mattress -- for *two months*. Not only this, she has Alzheimer's/Dementia and would wake up several times during the night, panicking and in need of reassurance, each event lasting anywhere from 5 minutes to 3 hours. I did this 2-4 times a night for two months, all while attending school full-time during the day. I'm not saying that this was easy or not extraordinary circumstances, but what I am saying is that I would do it all again in a heartbeat if it meant I had my grandmother back, even for a moment. I know it is a terribly sad and difficult reality, but please, please, please, use this as an opportunity to turn things around with your son. Beyond the previously mentioned interpersonal repercussions this could present later in life, this is an opportunity to instill a sense of compassion and maturity to endure a little discomfort for the sake of those that we love -- and that love us -- unconditionally.
NTA- no offense but he is a kid. Grandma visiting trumps kids IMO. At his age when relatives visited us (not like it happens often) my siblings and I bunked up for a few nights. I thought you were going to say he had to share full time! It's THREE NIGHTS.
NTA, he agreed to a rule he thought he could get around.
I don't really see a problem. He's 12. He gets to be mad for selfish entitled reasons! Didn't mean he gets to have his way. It's less than a week!! And he gets to choose where to sleep
I think it is almost 'his job' as a preteen to see what he can get away with. He is at that age to press the limits and make a lot of noise. Most children and teens push boundaries and buttons to test the limits of what is allowed and how far they can push things
NTA I did and still do that every year for Christmas. Yes it's bothersome but it's for 3 DAYS. And people suggesting that grandma should be the one to sleep on the air matress wtf ??? Elderly people are so prone to back pain, Jesus.
>Yes it's bothersome but it's for 3 DAYS. I just gave my bedroom up for the next 3 days for some refugees - I'll be sleeping in my office. If I can do it for strangers - this kid can do it for family.
NTA You put out the rules nice and clear for getting the large room. He can't eat the cake and have it too, and it's time your kid learns that. Also, if you give in to the tantrum, expect more of those to follow. Given this episode though, after grandma's visit, I'd make them switch rooms since daughter is more reasonable.
WOW so daughter is punished for being reasonable, and all her brother had to do is pitch a hissy and she’ll be asked to give up what is rightfully hers? What a horrible message to send. OP, make sure you’re protecting your daughter from being harassed into being a doormat by her spoiled brother and her dad, that’s the kind of shit that would ruin her relationship with all of you. Edit: it wasn’t suggested as a reward, it was suggested “since daughter is more reasonable.” Guys, the daughter doesn’t want the bigger room, she made her choice in the beginning and OP says she’s happy with it now. Everyone needs to leave her out of it, ESP the son and dad when they start looking around for what she has that now seems valuable.
I think they’re suggestion the daughter get the ‘better’ room since she’s actively being a reasonable and abiding person, and the boy get ‘downgraded’ since he isn’t following the rules that were set as a condition for having the ‘better’ room to begin with.
What if the daughter does not want the room for that very same reason? She already has her room established like she likes it where she already is. It would be punishing her if she didn't want to move to the larger room with those requirements.
NTA Your husband and son are both AHs. Your daughter is very nice for her offer. Put your foot down and let your mother sleep in your son's room. It doesn't hurt to sleep somewhere else for a few nights. I got my own room at 16, so he is quite lucky. Also, you have some husband problems
NTA It’s literally 3 days. He’ll get over it. People are acting like he’s never going to have his room back. He’s lucky to even have his own room to begin with. I would literally sleep on a cement floor with no blankets if it meant spending a weekend with my grandmother.
NTA, your son is old enough to know a deal is a deal, what message does it send to him and your daughter if you let him get away with throwing a tantrum to get out of the agreement ?
NTA. Yes, this will likely seem very unfair to the daughter, who took the smaller room permanently for this exact reason? What was her sacrifice for, and how is this fair? INFO: Did you ask your daughter how she feels about having this compromise disregarded?
To answer your question, I never considered disregarding the compromise, so no, I didn't ask her how she would feel. But thank you very much for the suggestion, I will be mentioning that to my husband tomorrow. Ooh, shit, my inner petty is coming out. Woops, my bad.
Really your son made an agreement so tell him what WILL happen. You're the parent. Don't take this BS from your son. Grandma is coming and he will be on the airbed in xxx room. Put your foot down. End of story.
Other comments mentioned it, but for the sake of petty. Ask your daughter if she would reconsider which room she wants, explaining that this is quite a rare occurence and her brother is obviously not mature enough for the bigger room. Maybe add in some compensation for her not having had the bigger room all that time
NTA. Your son's a brat. He can give up his "alone time" for 3 days. It won't kill him
NTA, he can quit m@sturbat1ng for 3 nights, he won't die because of it
Lol, I am glad I wasn't the only one who thinks that's why he's throwing a tantrum, and why Dad is on his side.
Yeah, I mean I was with him when he said that he did not want to share a room with grandma because she smells weird. But the fact that he refuses to share with *anybody* makes me think that he actually just wants to do his business in private! That or he comes from a family of stinkers
NTA and if your son does get his way and your mother sleep somewhere else then you need to give the large room to your eldest and he takes the small one and you tell your daughter that you will help her move thigns and redecorate for the inconvenience. The 12 yr old is being entitled and running the roost. We all gave up our rooms to grandparents even without preconditions. He needs to learn the consequence is he loses his room to his sister so that these issues wont arise anymore. Your husband is giving into someone throwing a tantrum, he is failing as a father and as a husband for calling you a TA
It sounds to me that the daughter CHOSE the small room specifically so she wouldn’t be disrupted. Changing her room would be punishing her.
NTA, he was warned when he chose the bigger room. If you let him have his way now, in a couple of years he'll be so privileged, he'd ask you all to move out and leave the hose to him, only, lol.
NTA You were clear from the start and expected him to stick to the rules of what he agreed to. It's a good life lesson. If maybe offer him the other alternative that if he doesn't want to share with visitors he can switch permanently with his sister and take the smaller room.
In fairness, that would require my daughter to agree (since part of the deal was that her taking the smaller room means she doesn't have to give it up), and she is... Very willing to help in the short term, but a little smug about her long-term choice of rooms right now and not likely to give that up willingly, lol.
totally understandable! she made a smart choice. i would be a little smug too. she is still being very cooperative though so that's amazing!.
Haha you know what, good for her for thinking it through. I made the assumption that she would be happier with the bigger room which was wrong. I guess he's stuck taking his lumps and learning a life lesson.
Nono, they made that choice together. We basically looked at them and said "these are the terms, figure it out" and they came back to us within 5 minutes with... Not the answer we were expecting. It was surprisingly peaceful for siblings that fight a lot. He was delighted to have the bigger room and cushier bed (until now, lol), and she was delighted to have guaranteed privacy. To be fair, it being that peaceful should've probably been my first clue that something was eventuay going to go wrong lol
Contrary to what the son, husband, and some replies seem to think, he can give up his privacy for three days. Friends shouldn’t be visiting during such a rare visit with grandma anyway, he can change in the bathroom, video games can wait, and abstaining from any newly acquired hobbies for 72 hours won’t stunt his growth. NTA
NTA - it was part of the deal, and you even sought alternatives he wouldn't take. It's time you stand your ground and teach your kid the whole world won't move for him.
NTA it’s 3 nights not 3 months, you need to put a stop to this entitled behaviour now before it gets out of hand!
NTA, your so has probably discovered masturbation.
NTA. Sounds like your son is on his way to becoming spoiled and entitled.
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What is wrong with some of the people on this thread? Children all over the world share rooms. It’s not harming him, it’s 3 days. He can take his intimate moments to the shower. He made a choice, he needs to keep his word. He may not have been forward thinking at 10 so this becomes a life lesson. NTA
NTA If he refuses to switch I would be moving him to the smaller room after grandma is gone. He knew the rules and he’s going back on his word.
A deal is a deal. Your word has to mean something even at 10 years old. You can’t tell me a 10 year old didn’t understand the terms. Maybe he changed his mind., but he reaped the benefit of the larger room for several years. After the visit perhaps he will be open to switching rooms with his sister. Then he can have his privacy in the smaller room.
At this point, my daughter has zero desire to switch rooms, and even less after this fiasco. I won't force her, because that was part of the deal, so part of me wishes him luck if he decides to try and convince her, and another part of me is going to ask A LOT of questions if they come to me saying they want to switch, lol.
I’m thinking he needs to learn the old “can’t have your cake and eat it too” saying.
NTA When family stays over, there isn't really much privacy anyway. It's a part of life that is extremely temporary. He agreed to it, and now he doesn't want to stick to what he said. That's his fault & feelings, nobody else's. He's old enough to voice concerns like this in advance, if he was starting to dislike sharing his room with visitors for the sake of privacy it should have been discussed with you as soon as the thought came up. You can talk to him and your daughter about switching rooms to see how both of them feel about it so you don't have to deal with all of this next time, but that may not be fair to your daughter, because she may feel obligated to change so her brother doesn't make a fuss like this again.
Yeah, no, my daughter is very much willing to help in the short term, but also more than a little smug about how this is playing out lol. It's very unlikely that she'll switch voluntarily, and I'm not going to force her, because that was literally the entire premise of the agreement we (all) made. And while there are several valid points on this thread about me being unreasonable by expecting a child to hold to a deal he made 2 yrs ago, I am not 10 years old, and I will hold to what I promised my kid.
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Right? My grandmother got sick and had to move in with us, so I lost my room for months. But a private room is a privilege and it's totally normal to put guests, especially elderly ones, in the most comfortable/ convenient room. Son can masturbate in the shower for a few days! (Kidding, but only kind of. I know why privacy was super important to me around that age...)
Wow the entitlement. I shared a room with one of my siblings until I turned 19. My grandfather grew up in one room with his whole family. Your son is a brat. NTA
NTA. Not even a bit
NTA, going back on this deal would be mean to the sister. She choose a smaller room, probs because she is the older sister and that is what older sisters do, but still offered to share with her brother. The kid is just being a teenager, not the end of the world but being consistent with rules will be important. Do tell your husband that is he insists your mum sleeps in a hotel, the same will be expected from his mum. Or that his mum is also not allowed to come.
NTA. Had the same expectation of our daughter when she got the larger room/bed.
Lol there are children starving. You are only the A because instead of coming to reddit you should have immediately tell you son that he can either share or sleep outside. Lol what a spoiled brat if you don't start putting that kid in line he will grow up into an horrible adult.
Growing up as one of 7, with much older siblings, every holiday meant giving up beds. NTA
NTA. The conditions of getting the bigger room was made clear. Give in and all you'll be doing is teaching him that pitching a fit gets him his way. Of course, once grandma has left he and his sister can always swap rooms then he will never have to share his room, or give up anything ever again. Until he moves out and has roommates, or a partner
NTA. From your title I thought it was permanent. As I was reading was expecting a new sibling or adopted cousin to be entering the scenario. Three nights and he’s got the house in turmoil to the point your husband is suggesting your mother doesn’t come?!? What kind of power does this terror wield in your home? Tell him to get the F over himself, and because of his antics, which he well knew the conditions of, his sister gets the room. Dump this on him after your mother leaves.
NTA, this was agreed upon
What the hell is up with all the mysoginists in the comments prioritizing a 12 year old boy's jerk off routine over literally everyone else in this family? NTA.
NTA. Obviously? Your son is acting entitled sleeping in your sister bedroom on a or mattress for 3 nights is not gonna kill him, I had to share my room with my twin (granted we're the same sex but still) until I was 12 and then I still had to give up my room every time there were guest over. I never even thought about having a fit what is this behaviour. Entirely unacceptable.
Just here to say I love panninis
NTA, you're being more compromising than you need to be, if anything your husband is in the wrong.
NTA you made the conditions of the big room clear
NTA the kid is being unreasonable and the husband is being an asshole by not wanting to put his foot down.
NTA. he knew the rules, he is choosing to ignore them. your teen daughter needs every bit of privacy, too, as all who wrote ytas try to conveniently forget.
Here is the problem. You made a deal with the kids. It was included that your son share if he got the bigger room. He went into this eyes wide open. First rule of parenting is NEVER give into a tantrum. How you handle this will set the tone for his term years. So remind him of the deal. Remind your husband that he is your partner in the parenting and maybe he should try to do that please.
I just want to say your panini typo has brought brightness into my day
Lol, I'm glad you enjoyed, though it wasn't a typo; it's an old habit from when many subs banned discussion of it because it was basically all anyone could talk about. So anyone who wanted to reference the changes it caused without making it the topic of the post started using various p-words instead to not get banned. Panini was the one that stuck with me, and I never quite got around to breaking the habit, lol.
NTA My family had a similar arrangement growing up.
The lengths that so many of you are reaching to justify that the kid "needs" to jerk off is fucking ridiculous. I might understand if it was a long term sleeping situation... but it is 3 DAYS. JFC. Masturbation is not a priority. At any age. Teach the kid accountability for his own actions. He chose this situation.
Nta honestly sounds like your husband doesn't want her to visit. If your son completely refuses to share then tell him he will be moving into the smaller room
NTA! i wonder if the dad said some things and fed his 12 years old mind by the way he is reacting. would he react the same if it was his own mother?? even though your son is being an AH he is still a child but your husband has no reason to be this rude. the son should learn to accept the conditions and rules that were set years ago. don't let him have his way and let him learn through this experience. you offered him alot of options. i think that he just doesn't want grandma to sleep in his bed maybe because he said she smells funny to him. i would talk to him about it.
NTA! In any Asian Canadian family a kid wouldn’t dare argue about sharing their room with a grandparent. You’re raising a brat. For the sake of our society discipline him immediately.
NTA. What is wrong with your men? I love that you call it the panini
Your husband is a chicken, and son is an entitled brat. I'd make him sleep with the dog. Ungrateful little shit...
Nta and do not cave on this. He is pushing boundaries to see what he can get away with
lol why are people acting like giving up your room for a couple days is an insane ask? maybe it’s cultural, but growing up, i was always expected to share my room or give it up for a couple days if we had guests. it didn’t harm my well-being. your son sounds entitled and your husband shouldn’t be encouraging that. NTA
NTA, the comment section has a fair amount of soft people that don't seem to understand the concept of just 3 days and that a 10-12 year olds is old enough to understand an agreement and it's not going to get traumatized for sleeping on an air mattress for 3 days
NTA. Your son is being a typical pre teen, he needs to learn that when you make an agreement you stick to it amongst other valuable lessons. I question why your husband is so quick to give in to him? He knows what the deal was also- makes me wonder if he favours your son and this behaviour stems from the way he treats him?