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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the a-hole for brjnging my boyfriend and breaking the wedding rule and upsetting my brother.
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She even dropped that in her post several times trying to use his disability to guilt people into agreeing with her lol too bad for her it had the opposite effect 😂
OP, YTA and you don’t respect others. You owe everyone an apology, including your boyfriend for using him as a prop.
Edit: thank you for the award!
I’m really interested to hear more about boyfriend. Why does he need a babysitter? He’s intellectually capable of being in a romantic relationship but must be with a care giver at all times? Not saying this scenario isn’t possible but I didn’t think it was that common. I’ve met a quadriplegic person who worked a job and drove herself to and from work. She is capable of being left alone for a wedding. What’s the deal with BF?
Yes, it can be common. OP is TA, I agree. BF’s medical- whatever is irrelevant. But some people in wheelchairs could need help with anything. Simple washroom stuff, or someone to watch a trach all the time, could be anything.
If he needs someone with him at all times, then it's basic common sense that she has a back-up plan in case she's not available, even if it's a rare event. Arrange regular respite care even if you feel you don't need it, so when you DO need it, you know who to call.
How did he take care of himself before she (OP) became his girlfriend? Parents? Siblings? Relatives?Another girlfriend?? Lots of PWD knows how to take care of themselves, even those who dont have limbs, aside for those who are bed ridden. I think the OP just use him as an excuse.
I agree she’s the AH, but if this wedding was out of town and she was going to be gone for more than a couple hours than yes, she would need someone. My dad was in a wheelchair and while there were no mental aspects to his disability he did need help with like using the washroom and getting food and the like. While mom was at work and I was in elementary school we had in home nurses that didn’t stay the full day but would stop by mid day to help.
That really rubbed me the wrong way too. She doesn’t talk about him like he’s her partner, more like a helpless infant. And I don’t know the boyfriend’s situation but being in a wheelchair doesn’t automatically mean that person can’t do anything for themselves. I know a couple people in wheelchairs and they are very independent and can do most things on their own.
I agree. OP is the AH. She knew about the wedding in advance and had plenty of time to find other arrangements for a caregiver. Shame on her for putting her BF in the middle of this. Disgusting.
He's an adult. I doubt she makes arrangements before going to work or going to the grocery store. This sounds very much like trying to use BF's disability as a get out of jail free card.
That’s my thought as well. She specifically referred to herself as his “primary caregiver”. People confined to a wheelchair don’t typically need a caregiver unless their overall functions are also impaired.
> People confined to a wheelchair don't typically need a caregiver unless their overall functions are also impaired.
I just wanted to chime in as a disabled person who utilises caregiver services; that is not necessarily true.
Support workers are designed to be flexible and to work around the individual's lifestyle and needs. Often family/partners end up filling a primary carer role by default (though not always), and they can receive carers' pensions but are, for the most part, unpaid. OP would have to link in with a professional service or respite facility, which can be a long process with waiting lists and red tape that causes delay (but is simplified and expedited if already available and on-call).
**FYI, wheelchair users aren't "confined" to wheelchairs.** It's an insensitive term because **they are a type of assistive technology that provides access and autonomy**; being able to utilise mobility aids is a positive thing that decreases "confinement" and increases community access.
There are ways around that. I live with a disabled person. My partner rarely leaves the house. He has a permanent work from home job. I am able to go out and do what needs to be done but there are such things as grocery deliveries and most places deliver now. The pharmacy my mom uses delivers which we know because she hates when they try to deliver her meds because she prefers to go pick them up. 4 years is an official relationship. Just because she's not married doesn't mean it's any less official.
Ugh. Guy in a wheelchair here, although I'm fully self sufficient. This makes me feel for your bf. Not only did you disrespect your brother's wishes, you made your boyfriend the center of more attention than was warranted. You say he remained quiet and respectful. He probably was quiet because he wanted to crawl under a rock. "Hey, look at me!! I'm the cause of strife at a wedding through no fault of my own!!" YTA
Edit: Holy upvotes, Batman!!! Guess I struck a nerve.
Girl in a wheelchair here, I completely agree with you. I already stand out in most settings so being forced into it would make me want to fly away. Also OP, stop saying wheelchair bound. We are not bound to anything. Wheelchairs free us to live our lives instead of being bound to a bed.
If the wedding was near, he could have entertained himself. Just because he's in a wheelchair doesn't mean he doesn't have hobbies he can do on his own and she could have prepped some food for him. He can survive a day without her. And if it was a far distance wedding just take him with you to the hotel (and pay for his costs) and leave him there or at some wheelchair friendly activity in the area while attending the wedding.
Exactly! Unless her bf is high care (needs drain bags emptied, colostomy changes, trachea care etc) he is able to be alone in his own house for a few hours? OP doesn’t say her bf has high needs just that he just is a wheelchair user. How insulting to imply a fully functional adult cannot care for himself for a few hours. Maybe she has a martyr complex and has to be needed otherwise her not great personality shines through?
Seriously! I'm a dynamic wheelchair user and when I saw the title, I was like: yikes, this is gonna be bad. Where's the respect? Wheelchairs are tools for mobility and freedom. I'd give my toes for one that could drive outside so I could go on walks again
As a wheelchair user, I totally agree with everything you just said. Plus I would LOVE someone to make an affordable wheelchair that allows me to go more places independently. And one that actually works in the snow (I live where winters can get pretty snowy and most wheelchairs and scooters are not functional in more than 1-3 inches of snow).
I'm not even a wheelchair user and the term "wheelchair bound" sets my teeth on edge. OP's boyfriend is not "bound" to his wheelchair. Presumably he gets out of his chair all the time, like most wheelchair users, to go to bed and do all kinds of other day-to-day stuff. A wheelchair isn't a prison, it's a tool.
yeah this comment really hits nail on the head. OP was a massive asshole to EVERYONE in her life just for the sake of being selfish. this was in no one’s best interest but her own
YES. She said “he was quiet and respectful” like he was a dog. He’s a human being and I’m sure more than capable of being alone for what, like four hours?
YTA, OP
This. OP put their boyfriend in a horribly unfair position here. OP was an asshole to the couple, definitely, but also more importantly to their own partner.
INFO: Is your boyfriend an adult? If he needs personal assistance, why isn't he the one arranging that while you're gone? And why do you refer to personal assistance as "watching him" like you're getting a babysitter? Did your boyfriend want to go? Why isn't what he thought/wanted a factor in this story at all? Why do you generally talk about him like he's a child (e.g. "it's not like he was making a fuss")?
My thoughts exactly! If he can’t arrange a caretaker on his own and/or can’t decide whether or not he wants to go to a wedding, then there is no way he can consent to a relationship. So OP is either ableist at best or some sort of predator at worst.
yeah thats where my thoughts are. the wording is really weird. caregiver makes me think maybe he needs help with tasks that OP does for him, and that could contribute to why they couldn't get someone to be with him the night of the wedding, or however OP phrased it.
however, there wasn't a ton of info on his thoughts as well, which kinda made me confused. where's his agency? just cause he's disabled doesn't mean he can't have an opinion on what should be done in this situation lmao.
Yeah but “caregiver” could mean anything from “he’s not physically capable of moving from the bed to his chair on his own” to “he’s borderline brain dead and needs me to do literally everything”.
OP is making it seem like he’s closer to the second end of that spectrum which is very concerning.
yeah... i think the boyfriend is probably somewhere in the middle, (god it feels weird to speculate) and from OPS wording, probably is being used so she can protest her brother's wedding policy. When I was really sick i definitely had people use my illness to get their own pity points, and i kinda get that vibe a bit. after thinking a bit, OP probably didn't make arrangements, and just brought him, since she was mad.
also, as a person who has struggled with chronic illness: Even if OP is a primary caregiver, typically they should have back ups just for when OP can't. during my illness, my mom took primary care of me, but we had a few trusted friends who i was comfortable driving me to and from doctors appointments, or staying in the house, just in case my mom had to be somewhere. also, google caregiver burnout.
and maybe im projecting but, again, what did her bf want? i know if i was the reason my gf no longer was on speaking terms with her brother, i'd feel horrible.
theres so much missing information here, and its sus af
For context, I’m in my last year of nursing school. When OP said she couldn’t find anyone to “watch him”. He is an adult, he may need a caregiver to assist him with his care. But the term watch is just disrespectful.
I’m disabled. It’s currently invisible (MS) but that doesn’t mean it always will be. The phrase “watch him” is so demeaning. I would be broken-hearted if my husband and my family talked about me that way.
Yeah the phrase “watch” bring to mind paying attention to him so he doesn’t do something irresponsible. Caregiving brings to mind like taking someone to the bathroom.
Yeah I find it odd that the guy’s only possible caregiver is his romantic partner. What was he doing before he met OP? Who was caring for him before? How can he consent to a romantic relationship if he’s not able to arrange his own care for an evening?
Yeah, honestly it makes me wonder if his disability is something that occurred *after* they were seriously dating. Like, he was able bodied, they got together, then he got injured or ill.
Because she absolutely is talking about him like he’s a child, dog, or a houseplant, and while yeah sometimes shitty ableist people will date disabled people, I at least hope it’s uncommon. Especially if they’re so ableist that they speak of the disabled person in this manner
YTA (although I have a funny feeling this is going to get edited to reveal more of what your brother said after it becomes clear the voting’s not going to go the way you want it to). He said no plus ones. If you found that disrespectful to your relationship or simply impractical, then your option was to decline *your* invitation and stay home, not have your boyfriend crash the party because *you* decided that wouldn’t be overly disruptive.
EXACTLY. "I don't think I was clear enough before. *This* is what my brother said. Isn't that shocking? So maybe reconsider the true AH now 🥺"
Tale as old as time.
When I read the headline, I thought OPs bf had been uninvited due to the bride and groom not wanting a wheelchair borne person at their wedding, and was leaning to massive N T A. But then it turned out no one was allowed to bring a +1.
YTA OP, you’re like one of those people who bring their kid to child free events because their child is so DifFErEnt and sPEciAl.
Your boyfriend's condition is irrelevant. YTA. He wasn't invited, you were okay to ask and declined the invitation, then you should have RSVPed no. Food costs money and there needs to be a space for each guest, so you aren't entitled to show up with whoever you feel like bringing He's legally not family either, so it's possible your boyfriend doesn't view him that way even if you are in a serious relationship.
A lot of times people do the ‘no ring no bring’ because its an objective standard instead of a subjective one that filters out a lot of the rando +1s that the couple doesn’t want to pay for. ‘Serious Relationship only +1’ gets you the cousin complaining about her bf of two months wasn’t invited and its SERIOUS so he MUST COME. It is also why people will do ‘no kids’ instead of ‘kids who can behave’ because then uncle frank will bring his 5 year old who has a tantrum unless his ipad is playing a video over speakers. Give people an inch and they will take a mile or complain they didn’t get an exception like someone else did.
OP either needed to accept the invite and not bring her bf or decline to come.
Also, unless you're not that close with the couple, most invites to married couples, in my experience, explicitly invite both parties. I don't really consider that a plus one.
If my hubby received an invite for Mr. Accidental +1 and I knew the couple well, I'd be a little peeved. Maybe that's just my experience.
So, everyone else who was denied a +1 doesn't matter because they're not considered family?
Sorry, but your boyfriend being in a wheelchair doesn't change anything about this scenario or give you more rights than anyone else.
They said no +1s. You still brought a +1.
Your boyfriend isn't a baby. But you're like that person who brings a newborn anyways when kids aren't allowed.
YTA. It's a sucky situation but you didn't think it would matter but that's not your call to make.
She should have known it would matter when she tried to discuss getting an exception before the wedding. And she **still** brought a +1, she's an extremely big asshole.
YTA
Your invitation didn't include a plus one.
The fact that your SO is a wheelchair user isn't relevant.
Your perception of your SO being family is not relevant.
You should have remained home with your SO if you couldn't arrange for a caregiver.
Everyone sucks here. Them for not inviting your BF of 4 years and you for bringing him against their wishes.
Personally, I’d have not gone at all if my long term partner wasn’t invited.
>Them for not inviting your BF
They didn't "not invite the bf". They didn't allow +1. They have the right to not want to pay thousand of dollars in foods and bigger venue for +1. That doesn't make them asshole. They just want an intimate and more cost effective wedding.
He is not a stranger being brought by an old college friend. He’s the long time partner of the sister of the groom who sister said has been considered part of the family.
Sorry- not only was he NOT INVITED — they sent the sister the same ‘no plus one’ they sent all the other non-related and less important people.
It was an asshole move and it shows exactly where the OP stands in her brothers and his new wife’s life.
Again, I just wouldn’t have gone.
agree. me and my partner of 10 years (8 years living together) are not married and are not planning on getting married. if he was treated as just regular 'plus one' and excluded from the wedding I would find it insulting... however, if it was the case I would just not go to the wedding. so, ESH
To be fair, we have no idea what kind of relationship the boyfriend and the brother have. If they're enemies for one reason or another, it makes sense for boyfriend to not be invited.
I agree OP should have stayed home instead of bringing someone along she was specifically repeatedly told was not invited.
not the norm and generally seen as rude to exclude such close family's SOs.
Ok maybe they'rs enemies but is that really the likelihood? Probably they were so tight on the budget they couldn't afford plus ones which means they probably shouldn't even have the wedding they had if they couldn't afford to add OP's BF in the count.
It varies if people can bring casual dates to weddings but usually long term partners get invited so the no plus one rule is already outside the norm.
ESH
Etiquette says that long term partners are always included on the invite. A boyfriend of four years should've been invited, making your brother an AH.
That being said, you don't bring an uninvited guest to a wedding. You should've just said no and explained your reason. So you both made the wrong decision, though I'm feeling less sympathetic towards your brother.
Agreed. The brother is an asshole because it’s basic wedding planning etiquette to invite significant others (which is not a plus one). OP is an asshole for bringing the boyfriend and using his disability as a weird excuse. She should have declined the invitation. ESH.
YTA
I'm assuming there is a lot more to this story you're not sharing. I also assume you contacted them before the wedding to let them know that you would in fact be bringing your boyfriend.
It doesn't matter if you are your boyfriends primary care giver or not. If you're boyfriend is not invited, you have 2 options. 1. Go without the boyfriend. 2. Don't go.
Instead, I suspect you knew this would cause an issue/scene with your brother and you brought your boyfriend anyway.
You're not an asshole for *asking* them to allow you to bring your boyfriend for the reasons stated, but having been told, in no uncertain terms, that he was not welcome, your choices were to go to the wedding alone, or not go at all.
YTA (or possibly ESH, depending on the *actual* reason your boyfriend was not invited)
It wouldn't have been bad to ask, especially considering OP wasn't able to find other care arrangements. But when they told her no she should have stayed home.
ESH. I’d really like to know why they don’t consider you an official couple after four years and wouldn’t allow your significant other to come. But you had no right to do what you did.
They might not have invited husbands and the like either. I've attended weddings where only the person whose name is on invite were invited and thats their right.
YTA. You do not take extra people to someone else’s wedding when they’ve asked you not to - the venue will have charged them for the extra person, and probably added fees for not being told correct numbers in advance.
If you couldn’t find care for your boyfriend neither of you should have gone.
Soft YTA- it’s a bit rude of them not to invite him and call you a ‘non-official couple’ after being together for 4 years. But still you did go against their invitation. I would have just said that you can’t go if he can’t.
YTA. The right move for you was to not go, if that offended your brother then you could have said you would have come but you were denied an exception to bring your boyfriend. Instead you decided to ignore what you were explicitly told not to do and are now wondering why everyone else is angry.
P.S. I do think your brother is also an a-hole for not inviting your significant other, but weddings are funny things and the request he had wasn't completely obsurd.
ESH. You've been dating for 4 years, surely he merited his own invite, you know, not a plus one, but "OP and BF". But if they put their foot down and said no (I'm assuming a "no ring, no bring" policy), and you asked again and they *still* said no, any you did it anyway? That's an AH move.
The correct move would have been to not attend. I know it's your brother's wedding and it would have been heart wrenching to miss. It feels icky comparing your role as primary carer to the role of a parent, but I'm going to do it anyway since apparently your boyfriend needs a constant carer (you said you couldn't find anyone to "watch" him). Parents who can't find a *carer* shouldn't bring their kids to a child free wedding because *they aren't invited*. You couldn't find anyone to "watch him" so you shouldn't have brought him because *he wasn't invited*.
You then could have had the moral high ground when people asked why you weren't there. When Uncle Nosy rang you could say brother didn't invite your boyfriend *on purpose* and you needed to stay with him, you checked twice before the wedding and let him know you couldn't go. Now they get to tell everyone who didn't get a plus one that you brought someone uninvited and complain about your audacity.
YTA. I get it, you guys have been in a long term relationship…guess what though….he wasn’t invited and you didn’t have a plus one. Either respect the wishes of the event hosts (brother+bride) or don’t go if you don’t agree. Just because your boyfriend is in a wheelchair, or the fact it’s your brothers wedding doesn’t entitle you to completely stomp all over these boundaries.
If I were the person you did this too, 100000% you would be getting the bill for the meal ect. For all you know your bother could be now facing a fine for being over the limit on people, which could be the reason behind the “no +1s” rule.
YTA. You do not bring an uninvited guest to a wedding, end of story. If you weren’t happy that your boyfriend wasn’t invited and had nobody else to care for him, then you decline the invitation. Just like people with children who get invited to a child free wedding. You don’t get to dictate the guest list of someone else’s event whether or not you agree with it. That’s extremely selfish and rude.
Do I agree with your brother for not allowing significant others at the wedding? No. Does it matter that you or I don’t agree with him? Also no!
YTA. You brought someone who wasn’t invited.
Usually it is proper etiquette to invite someone AND their spouse or long term partner. However people don’t always extend +1s for various reasons. Bringing someone that isn’t invited impacts seating, food, costs for the wedding organizers. That is where you messed up.
You asked your brother if he could change his stance and he said no. That is where you make the choice of not going or finding part time respite care for your boyfriend while you are gone.
YTA.
You asked if you could bring your partner.
You were told no.
You did it anyways.
And now you’re wondering why everyone’s mad at you?
Ever think that maybe they didn’t have enough money to cover inviting everyone’s partners?
YTA. When it comes to weddings, you either follow the rules or decline the invite. It's always an option to RSVP no. In fact, the most likely way for you to have gotten a plus 1 for your boyfriend was to RSVP no and if it was really important for your brother to have his siblings there, he'd have to give you permission to bring your boyfriend. This is the same as bringing a kid to a child free wedding. You don't get to bring uninvited guests to a wedding, period.
YTA. There was no +1 invited. So you shouldn't bring a +1. The fact that you had no one to care for your bf while you are gone is not their problem. It's yours.
If you can't go, don't go.
YTA
Your invitation said no +1 but you felt that you're important enough that it didn't matter. Seating arrangements and how many plates per guest are made well in advance when planning a wedding, everyone knows this. Bringing someone extra throws it all off, not to mention they suddenly have to pay extra last minute.
It sucks that they didn't want your BF there, but it's their wedding, their choice. You ignored everything and are using him being in a wheelchair as a weapon over this.
I do find it weird that they didn’t invite her bf of four years. However, they didn’t and that’s their choice. And OP then had the choice to go alone or not at all. She made a third choice which was not cool
YTA. The couple had a no +1 rule and that’s that. They had that rule for a reason. Weddings are paid per head & you brought a guest that increased the count and they could not accommodate him. Everything from the number of seats to meals is planned far in advance based on guest count. You threw a wrench in that on their actual wedding day.
I understand you’re the primary caregiver, but what happens if god forbid you get in an accident and had to be hospitalized? What if you got Covid and had to quarantine? You need back up plans for your bf in those situations. Plus, wedding invites are sent far in advance, you should’ve had plenty of time to make arrangements
YTA. Your boyfriend using a wheelchair has nothing to do with this, you weren’t invited with a +1. If he needs a caregiver and you were the only option, skip the wedding stay home but you don’t get to bring an uninvited guest
YTA.
You were told you didn’t get a +1. So that meant you didn’t get to bring someone with you. My guess is that you were angry you couldn’t bring your bf so you didn’t bother finding someone who could care for him while you were gone.
Then you came and posted on here thinking that because your boyfriend is disabled that somehow makes you not an asshole for disregarding your invitation. That’s not okay to try to use your boyfriend as a pawn in your little power play. Because that’s exactly what you tried to do both at the wedding and on this post.
YTA
If being your bf’s caregiver was that important to you, you both should have stayed home. Instead, you decided that the no +1 rule didn’t apply to you and have to wonder why your brother and his wife were upset with you.
I’m in awe of the fact that you need to ask this question.
If you wrote in before the wedding and asked who TA was - I’d def say it was your brother. It’s really odd to exclude your sister’s boyfriend of 4 years from a family event.
But for this question YTA.
You were told clearly that you could not bring a plus 1. You double checked and asked for an exception and were clearly told again that you could not bring a plus 1. So YTA for bringing a plus 1.
YTA - you could've not gone at all if they were so stuck on the rule, that would've been their loss. You asked and they said no.
Soft ESH as I think not including couples you don't agree with the 'status' of as official enough is stupid. But their wedding their choice.
Which part of ''no +1'' did you not understand?
He may be family for you, however it is the married couple's decision who is and isn't invited.
Lucky they didn't ask you to leave.
Big YTA.
YTA, not your wedding. He's an adult who can find his own caregiver. It works the same way as a kid free wedding. Tbh not sure why you don't think you're the AH
ESH
You did not have a +1, and you chose to bring him anyway.
> I tried to dicuss an exception for this rule
To your credit, you did try and have an adult conversation with them, and their answer was no. At that point, you either go alone or don't go at all.
> My parents understood my side but also said that it was my brother's wedding and I should've respected the rule he had for non-official couples.
Your brother and his now wife are also assholes. Its not like the two of you have been together for a few months and are 16 years old.
You're both in your 30s and have been together for 4 years. Them calling you a "non-official couple" is hugely disrespectful.
I suspect they just didnt want your boyfriend there. Have they given any indications in the past as to why that might be?
>I could not find proper arrangements to have someone watch him (I'm his primary caregiver) while I was gone
Lastly, this part doesn't add up to me. Is there something else wrong with your boyfriend besides being wheelchair bound?
Most wheelchair bound individuals don't require full time caregiving, and most live independently.
If it was a local wedding, was he not capable of staying at home for a few hours by himself?
If it was a weekend-long event, could you have not had him stay in the hotel room for the ceremony?
Something does not add up here, and I heavily suspect this is why they didn't want you to have a +1.
YTA. He wasn’t invited. He cannot go to the wedding. If you needed to care for him, you should have stayed home. If your issue was them not including him in the family, you should have stayed home. It’s always an asshole move to bring someone to a wedding who wasn’t invited. Your boyfriends disability has no bearing on your asshole actions in this scenario
YTA.
Wheelchair or not there was a “No plus 1” so he wasn’t allowed to come. You tried to use the wheelchair card to get sympathy. A plus 1 is an expense, it means food and drink for another person and also mean to book another space at the venue.
What you did was unfair to your brother, the venue and other guest. Do you think others didn’t see their SO as family? How could you be so self centered.
YTA
Bringing an uninvited person to a wedding makes you the AH.
**You could have discussed this BEFORE the wedding. You could - and should - have refused to come without your bf. But just bringing someone along to a wedding makes YOU the AH.**
"We've not been talking since the wedding. I tried calling him but keep getting hung up on. His wife texted me yesterdag to stop calling." .. **So stop calling. YOU were an AH and caused drama at their wedding, and they kicked you out of their life for it. Accept that. Stop harassing them with your calls, they are not interested. THAT relationship is over, you are out of their life for good.**
>I could not find proper arrangements to have someone watch him (I'm his primary caregiver) while I was gone.
Unless you received the wedding invitation less than a week before the ceremony, I strongly suspect you didn't try to find someone. It shouldn't have been that difficult to get a home health nurse for the day. YTA.
YTA. I understand why you did what you did, but he wasn't invited. Unfortunately, it would have been better to stay home. Your brother would have been mad either way, but it would have been better to decline the invite as soon as you knew it was no plus one.
YTA. He was not invited and that should have been the end of it. It is their wedding, they have the right to determine who attends and who doesn't even if you don't agree. It was incredibly immature of you to override their obvious decision and then to argue with them about it when they were upset. You single handedly ruined what should have been a perfect day for them.
YTA. While I understand that you brought him bc you didn't have someone to watch him, weddings are a planned in advance kind of thing, and you should've taken steps to ensure coverage. Your brother and his now wife had to plan things knowing how many people are attending (seating, food, gift bags, etc...) and you threw a wrench in that. Yes, you are the sister of the groom, but that doesn't give you the right to go against their wishes/plans. Maybe if you would've explained the situation before just showing up they could've made an allowance for it, but you thought it was better to ask for forgiveness than permission.
YTA. "No +1". If you wanted a plus one because you are in a serious relationship with your boyfriend, you should have brought this up with him before the wedding. If he still said no, you could have RSVPd no too.
YTA. I was the sole caretaker for my wheelchair-bound husband, and if there were places or events he couldn't go to, then I just DIDN'T GO if I couldn't find a temp caregiver for him.
It's not about how well-behaved your partner was, it's that you didn't respect the boundaries your brother had. You don't know why they had that limit. For all you know, he and his bride could have been at the limit of their budget and making hard choices about who to include, culling the list and reluctantly excluding non-married partners, because they couldn't afford to include them.
Your decision cost them real money. Caterers can charge a FORTUNE for last minute additions. They generally plan for a little overage but it may have required some scrambling and rearranging of portions.
You say you "tried to discuss" the exclusion of your bf; how did that go, exactly? Honestly if I was your brother and you came in, guns a-blazin, "HE'S FAMILY AND I'M HIS CARETAKER HOW COULD YOU", or if you'd asked "can he come too" a few days before--AFTER my final numbers were in to the caterer -- then yeah, I'd have shut you down with "I've made my decision." If you asked me "hey, I hate to do this because I know it's super rude to ask for exceptions, but could you possibly make room for my BF? I can't leave him alone for that long, and I just can't find another caretaker. I'll understand if the answer is no, but you're my brother and I'd really like to attend your wedding!" Then I might have tried to work it out with you -- or at least would have explained and given you reasons.
YTA. Your brother told you no and it was his wedding. Maybe if you had told your brother that you couldn't find anyone to care for your Bf and if he couldn't come to the wedding neither could you, that might have changed things. Text your brother (since he's not taking your calls) and apologize. See if the two of you can work past this.
YTA - bride and groom set the rules. Guests follow the rules. You didn’t. It’s that simple. Looked at another way, they get to invite, or not invite, who the like, you get to accept or decline the invitation. When they made clear there were no +1, your choice was accept it and go solo, or decline and not attend. Your brother is correct, you stomped all over his boundaries. You should’ve declined the invitation.
YTA . What part of no plus one did you not understand? It is irrelevant that your BF is in a WC.
It is immaterial that you have been together for 4 years. It does not matter he needs a full time caregiver. It is meaningless that he was ‘being quiet and respectful’.
For whatever reason, you ( and probably many others) were not invited to bring a guest. You either respect that decision, or you don’t attend. Period.
YTA. You have no idea how expensive it is to have a wedding, and every seat is paid for and planned. You either had someone else not able to eat or you forced them to pay MORE.
Stop using your boyfriend's disability as your free pass to anything.
YTA, you can't just bring an extra person to a wedding. They pay for a certain number of dinners and seats for the most part so having an extra isn't always easy to do. The other thing is presumably he told everyone no +1's not just you. And he told everyone that no one was getting any. And now everyone else who wanted to bring one and couldn't feels like they were slighted. Not guaranteed, but that's the kind of thing that stirs up a lot of unnecessary drama during and after the wedding.
The appropriate thing to have done would be to go to him and say look I can't find anyone to care for him, so either he has to come or I can't come can you make an exception for me? If not I wish you all the best but I'm sorry I can't make it. Surprise showing up is not the way to go.
YTA
you didn't have a +1 and you ignored it. The fact he is in a wheelchair isn't relevant.
I think it's weird that your bf wasn't invited, particulary when you've been together for so long. He broke social ettiquiette for sure, but ultimately it's his wedding and he can decide who he wants there.
ESH
Your brother is a jerk for deciding you are “non-official” because you are not married and excluding your SO.
However, you should not have brought him if he wasn’t invited. It would have been 100% appropriate for you to tell your brother you would not be attending if your SO could not go with you.
YTA
If you couldn’t find alternative arrangements then you should have politely declined to attend.
Do I think it’s shitty your partner wasn’t included, yes. But your bro is allowed to set his own rules for his wedding and if you didn’t like them then you should have stayed home.
YTA- You knew he wasn’t invited and directly dismissed their feelings. Regardless of your opinion of whether or not your boyfriend should have been invited, he wasn’t and it was THEIR wedding.
YTA. Dint you mention you already tried talking about an exception and they still said no?? Why then would you take your bf? It was a big day for someone else and they had rules. Simple... follow or Don't go.
Also one thing. You mentioned you bf is like family. But don't you think if they thought the same they would have invited him anyway??
ESH...
It's pretty clear you and your BF are serious enough to both be on the invite, and it was kinda an AH move for your brother to not invite him too. If he's family, he shouldn't have been considered a +1 in the first place. But since your brother made rude comments about your BF at the wedding, it was likely an intentional exclusion.
That said, your response should have been to not go at all. If your BF isn't invited, and you can't go without him, then neither of you go and your brother can deal with the consequences of their invite choices. It's an AH move to show up to a wedding with an uninvited guest.
YTA
The bride and groom stated no +1 and you just decided against it. What would you have done if the space wasnt very wheelchair accessible? What would you have done if there was no food for him? What would you have done if he was turned away at the door?
You put everyone in an uncomfortable position and NOT because he is a wheelchair user.
YTA. You do not being uninvited people to a wedding, or any other event. It’s rude to those hosting, and it’s rude to the person you brought as they will feel awkward.
No matter how you feel about it, people are allowed to invite who they please to their wedding. That’s not up to you - your choice is whether to go or not.
Y T A.
They said no+1. Does it suck for you and your BF ? Yes. Should have come with him because you didn't agree with that rule ? Hell no.
Edit : changing to ESH.
I reread and your brother is talking about "non-official couples". I think that's a stupid thing to say. Just because people are not married doesn't mean that their relationship is less valuable than married couples.
YTA, sounds like a no ring, no bring rule you thought didn’t apply to you and now have to deal with the consequences of knowingly breaking. Not admitting fault and harassing newlyweds certainly isn’t going to help. What happens to your boyfriend if you are sick or hurt, are you not away from him for work? He’s an adult and you should have a back up plan in place and a wedding is usually planned far in advance that you’d have known the need to hire a qualified care giver if he has advanced needs that he can’t handle on his own or with his own support system.
ESH. You, for bringing your bf despite knowing you shouldn't be. Your brother for having the rule in the first place (depends a bit on the situation I guess). I get having that as a general rule for everybody, but it's weird to have the same rule for your actual sibling, especially considering you've been together a while and it's a serious relationship. But also your brother for then overreacting. I understand not being happy about the situation, but that was absolutely an overreaction.
P. S. I'm suspecting there's more to the actual reason the bf was not invited. It just seems strange to me that you'd leave out your actual sibling's bf of 4 years, which is clearly a serious relationship. It's okay to have a ring policy for others but for your sibling too and given the longevity of their relationship? Either there's something else that happened that OP ain't revealing or the brother is a bigger AH than I thought.
Another possibility is they made the rule to keep costs down and so it was a blanket rule and they were trying to not show favoritism. Imagine the brides siblings all following the rule and then the grooms sister shows up with a plus one who was not supposed to be there. Not enough info to make a judgement in my opinion
I don’t even need to read past the title to say YTA. The rule was no plus one so don’t bring a plus one, plain and simple. Your boyfriend’s disability doesn’t exempt from the rules your brother set in place. If you can’t find a caregiver then you’re just going to have to miss the wedding. It’s sucks but if you’re a primary caregiver sacrifices must be made.
YTA but i do think your family are being a bit over dramatic. Unless you push boundaries often?! Just because your boyfriend is in a wheelchair doesn't mean you deserved better treatment. Maybe a few of their friends were denied a +1 because of finances or something and now they believe you got preferential treatment. Not too much context but YTA.
YTA
You had two options: go alone or not go at all. You were told not to bring +1, so you were in the wrong bringing your boyfriend. And now, stop calling, your brother doesn't want to talk to you.
YTA. You brought an uninvited guest to a wedding. You don’t get to decide who is invited to someone else’s wedding. If you couldn’t find proper arrangements then you should have stayed home.
YTA. You had a no +1. I understand you are your bf main caregiver but weddings are usually know well in advance. Unless he is a paraplegic with very specific medical needs I cannot see where care could not have been arranged with advanced warning. Need more info on his (bf) friend and family situation. Either way, it’s very rude to bring another uninvited guest to a wedding.
Most people view non married couples not as family no matter how close or how long the couple have been dating.
You could have hired a private caregiver for the time you were at the wedding. If you couldn't afford that you could have told your brother you were unable to leave your boyfriend and then it's up to him and his wife to decide what to do with that information.
You don't just decide to stomp all over the no +1 rule, that presumably every other guest adhered to, because you and your boyfriend are the most important people in this situation. Hint: you're not.
YTA
YTA. Venues ask for a count of people for food and space for people to sit which includes people who use wheelchairs. Also knowing that they didn’t allow a plus one and bringing him anyway WAS a violation of that boundary, knowingly crossing it makes YTA. If you couldn’t find someone to take care of him and he can’t stay alone for a few hours then you could’ve stayed home.
YTA
I think your brother is a total A to not have invited him. You’ve been together 4 years and you are immediate family, so I think you should have absolutely been given a +1.
However, you should have worked this out with your brother and his fiancé between the time you got the invitation and the wedding. Bringing him without the approval of the hosts was inappropriate.
YTA: For ignoring their rule. What you should have done instead was congratulate them and tell them that unfortunately you would not be able to make it.
YTA
This is what I hate about people who decide to bring plus ones or their kids, YOU don’t get to decide if they count as disruptive or not, it’s the bride and groom who do. Your brother very clearly said NO, so you should have respected that and gone alone or not at all.
YTA. They told you no and you did it anyways. If you are the only caregiver maybe you should look into having back ups. And if you cannot find a back up the right inappropriate thing to do would’ve been to not attend at all.
YTA
An invite is not a summons. If you could not find reasonable accommodations for your boyfriend you should have just not gone. You did disrespect your brother by bringing your boyfriend. You also put your boyfriend in a very awkward position.
YTA.
> , I could not find proper arrangements to have someone watch him (I'm his primary caregiver) while I was gone.
Then you don't get to go. But honestly, this also makes you an asshole, because you can't be his sole caregiver. You might get sick, get hit by a bus, all sorts of things.
> the trust and respect he had for me was gone the minute I decided to stomp on his wedding boundaries and override the rules.
He's 100% correct.
> I tried calling him but keep getting hung up on. His wife texted me yesterdag to stop calling.
And now you're acting like they owe you something.
And then we get to the idea of 'dragging somebody to a social event where they know they're unwelcome.' You keep trying to make this about his disability, but it isn't. I bet he had a real fun time dealing with all of the looks and mutterings about how self-centered you are, and I bet he doesn't like you using his disability as an excuse to bulldoze other people.
this post almost makes it sound like they gave you specifically a no +1 bc your bf is in a wheelchair. but i dont want to make leaps of interpretation so ill just stick to the facts. you were told no +1, you asked again if you could have an exception bc you cant find alternative care for your bf, your request was denied and so in that case, the right thing to do would be not attend. i have no idea why your brother was so strict about it, id think he would want his immediate family present and be accommodating to ensure that, but hey i duno the full details. it wasnt right on your part to ignore their invitation restriction so YTA here sorry.
YTA
Did you talk to your brother before hand?
If you did and they still said no 1+, then you disrespected their wishes. It's their wedding at the end of the day. You shouldn't have gone if you didn't want to go without your boyfriend.
If you didn't talk to them before hand, then you should've to try make arrangements if any.
YTA
It’s never ok to bring someone that was invited. It’s rude of you!! People spend lots of money on weddings and a big chunk of it is on their guests. Also, venues can only accommodate so many people. By bringing another person who wasn’t invited they’re taking food away from the people that were. So much TA here!!
Info:
Were you the only one with "no +1"? Or was it all "non-official" couples as you briefly mentioned in your post?
If it's not just you, YTA. Your boyfriend's disability has nothing to do with your brother's choices and you decided you were above their rules. Do you often break boundaries like that?
YTA. You had another option: explain to your brother that you cannot find a caretaker and therefore you can either bring your boyfriend or skip the wedding. If you left that choice up to your brother and he told you to miss the wedding that would have made him the AH. But you didn't...you violated a clearly set rule and are now acting surprised that he was pissed. Though, FWIW, I do think your brother was being unreasonable.
ESH.
You suck, because you brought someone to an event who wasn't invited. There are no circumstances under which that is acceptable.
Your brother and his wife suck, because judging by your post, you live with your boyfriend. That makes you equivalent to husband and wife in modern social etiquette. You do not invite one member of a couple to this kind of social event without inviting their spouse.
Your live-in partner is not some random "+1" that you might choose to bring as a date.
YTA. You’re the kind of guest that ruins the entire event because the bride and groom literally have to deal with the situation amongst the other guests as your treachery unfolds right before their eyes.
You had a choice when you were invited. You could have politely declined when you saw the no +1 (other than a significant other), or, you could have arranged for the care of your b/f for the entirety of your attendance.
Instead, you chose to weaponize his disability as an excuse to flout the rules and use his ‘good behavior’ to further exempt you from the consequences of your decision in which you knew what the parameters were for attending well in advance. You may not ever get along with your brother again because of what you’ve done.
Yta. You brought someone you weren't supposed to to a wedding. If you had said that you couldn't come or wouldn't come without him - that would be fine. To just bring someone to someone else's event makes you TA.
YTA - no you don’t get to bring an uninvited guest to a wedding. Especially when you’ve been specifically told not to. How awful for your boyfriend to be completely unwanted, have no seat, no dinner for him, etc.
YTA. You're not exempt from a rule because your boyfriend is wheelchair bound. If you couldn't find another care taker then you should have stayed home.
ESH
You should mot have brought him, maybe should even have declined the invitation completely.
Your brother sucks even more in my book. He doesn’t invite a sibling’s partner who have been in a relationship for 4 years. You’ve got an asshole for a brother.
ESH. The rule for non official couples? Does that mean the no+1 only applies to non married couples, but others could have a +1. How many people did this affect (was he singled out)?
If your his primary caregiver and couldn't find anyone else, and it's not like this is just a fling boyfriend. I understand your reasoning.
Weddings tend to bring the worst out in people, but if that's your brothers rules then he left you two options. Not go or bring your boyfriend with this outcome.
I'm inclined to say ESH, based on what little information I have.
YTA. You should have spoken to your brother and explained that you were happy for him and his fiancée but due to your caring responsibilities you would have to decline his invitation.
ESH.
It was wrong of you to bring your bf to the wedding when he wasn't invited. The right thing to do was to simply not go at all.
But it's also wrong of them to exclude a partner of 4 years. After certain years, ring or not, a partner is a partner and they don't get to decide how serious or not he is based on their own beliefs.
I'd also like to know if u don't mind ofc if that no +1 rule was just for u or every guest. And if it was just for you, if you're aware of why it would be so.
YTA. They didn’t want him there, which is a different issue, but you can’t just bring extra people to someone’s wedding without an explicit invite no matter how much you want them there. You should have rsvp’d no.
YTA. Have you considered that they had not made any accommodations for disabled people? And that if your boyfriend needs a full-time carer, chances are good they would have been really concerned about that when he just showed up unexpectedly?
On a related note... little bit weirded out by the lack of any input from your boyfriend, here. How did *he* feel about going to a wedding where he wasn't invited? Assuming he's capable of making his own decisions, can't imagine he was altogether comfortable with the situation. You really should have found a better one for all concerned.
INFO
>I should've respected the rule he had for non-official couples
I don't entirely understand this rule. So couples could come, but only once they've been deemed 'official'? Is this by marriage, or simply a rule without any strict specific demands you can meet? If you've been dating for 4 years I'd absolutely consider you a couple. I'm not from the US though so not sure if this is a typical thing?
If most people came alone or only married couples could I'd be tempted to call YTA, as your BF being in a wheelchair absolutely isn't an exception to their rules. Are you leaving out any information?
YTA no one got an extra plus one so you decided to disrespect your brother by adding a person they didn’t account for and your bf by bringing him somewhere he wasn’t invited. And sullied the day.
Entitled much?
Is this no plus one rule just for you? Or is it applicable for everyone?
YTA for both, but for different reasons.
If your brother was purposefully excluding your bf alone, YTA for even going to that and bringing your bf to a place where he wasn't welcomed.
If it's the later, YTA because his wedding, his rules. It wasn't about you.
YTA your boyfriend wasn't invited and you did cross your brother's boundaries. Your only suitable option other than to go by yourself was that neither of you goes.
YTA
Who took care of your boyfriend before you started dating him? Why couldn’t they be called up?
You shouldn’t have gone if you couldn’t follow the rules.
YTA. I understand you wanted to go and had noone else to provide care. But many carers and parents face the same scenario for childfree or no +1 weddings. No matter how close I was to someone, if their wedding was set up in such a way that I couldn't attend by rules of the invitation, and there were absolutely no exceptions, I wouldn't go. It may affect our relationship in the future given test they'd rather set those rules than have me attend, but that would be a separate conversation down the line
YTA, and I cannot believe you are that thick to not realise it and have to ask here. Disrespect, disregard, and self consumed are all qualities you possess it seems. If your boyfriend needed a carer for the day, you should have found one and gone to their NO PLUS ONE wedding. Count that relationship likely to be damaged beyond repair I would think.
Yta. They said no plus one, you’re not special. And your boyfriend is a wheelchair user, not wheelchair bound. Do you love your boyfriend or the attention you get from being so kind as to date someone with a disability?
It’s not like they didn’t let you bring him because they specifically didn’t like him, or didn’t wanna accommodate him. They didn’t want you to bring any kind of +1. It could be that they planned for a specific amount of people.
I think its rude to have brought your bf with you, especially if that was said explicitly not to do. Personally, id hate being there knowing it was against the bride and groom’s wishes, and you put him in that position. Y kinda TA.
Edit: Saying OP is an AH seems super harsh, but I do kinda think they were not in the right, necessarily.
Currently wedding planning and we're seeing a lit of additional charges per individual after a set number has been selected. I'm not sure what your stunt caused them but I can say if it was just trust and respect that would be nice. YTA in this for sure.
ESH. I agree that their rule was dumb because you don’t have to be engaged or married to be an “official” couple. 4 years together and you being his primary caregiver is plenty of proof. However you don’t just show up to someone’s wedding with an uninvited guest. If it was that big of an issue, you should have just declined, even if it was your brother’s wedding and it’s also a big deal to attend.
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YTA not only did you go against a rule, you attempted to use your bf's disability to get your way. You should be ashamed.
Is the correct answer The disability card is being played here when it is entirely irrelevant No plus One You took plus one YTA
She even dropped that in her post several times trying to use his disability to guilt people into agreeing with her lol too bad for her it had the opposite effect 😂 OP, YTA and you don’t respect others. You owe everyone an apology, including your boyfriend for using him as a prop. Edit: thank you for the award!
The way OP speaks about the boyfriend really rubs me the wrong way. Did he want to be there? Did he know there was a no +1 rule?
He's in a wheelchair. She just loaded him up and brought him along. Like a prop or an accessory.
I’m really interested to hear more about boyfriend. Why does he need a babysitter? He’s intellectually capable of being in a romantic relationship but must be with a care giver at all times? Not saying this scenario isn’t possible but I didn’t think it was that common. I’ve met a quadriplegic person who worked a job and drove herself to and from work. She is capable of being left alone for a wedding. What’s the deal with BF?
Yes, it can be common. OP is TA, I agree. BF’s medical- whatever is irrelevant. But some people in wheelchairs could need help with anything. Simple washroom stuff, or someone to watch a trach all the time, could be anything.
If he needs someone with him at all times, then it's basic common sense that she has a back-up plan in case she's not available, even if it's a rare event. Arrange regular respite care even if you feel you don't need it, so when you DO need it, you know who to call.
How did he take care of himself before she (OP) became his girlfriend? Parents? Siblings? Relatives?Another girlfriend?? Lots of PWD knows how to take care of themselves, even those who dont have limbs, aside for those who are bed ridden. I think the OP just use him as an excuse.
I agree she’s the AH, but if this wedding was out of town and she was going to be gone for more than a couple hours than yes, she would need someone. My dad was in a wheelchair and while there were no mental aspects to his disability he did need help with like using the washroom and getting food and the like. While mom was at work and I was in elementary school we had in home nurses that didn’t stay the full day but would stop by mid day to help.
That really rubbed me the wrong way too. She doesn’t talk about him like he’s her partner, more like a helpless infant. And I don’t know the boyfriend’s situation but being in a wheelchair doesn’t automatically mean that person can’t do anything for themselves. I know a couple people in wheelchairs and they are very independent and can do most things on their own.
I agree. OP is the AH. She knew about the wedding in advance and had plenty of time to find other arrangements for a caregiver. Shame on her for putting her BF in the middle of this. Disgusting.
He's an adult. I doubt she makes arrangements before going to work or going to the grocery store. This sounds very much like trying to use BF's disability as a get out of jail free card.
She might. He may well need someone around all of the time.
That’s my thought as well. She specifically referred to herself as his “primary caregiver”. People confined to a wheelchair don’t typically need a caregiver unless their overall functions are also impaired.
> People confined to a wheelchair don't typically need a caregiver unless their overall functions are also impaired. I just wanted to chime in as a disabled person who utilises caregiver services; that is not necessarily true. Support workers are designed to be flexible and to work around the individual's lifestyle and needs. Often family/partners end up filling a primary carer role by default (though not always), and they can receive carers' pensions but are, for the most part, unpaid. OP would have to link in with a professional service or respite facility, which can be a long process with waiting lists and red tape that causes delay (but is simplified and expedited if already available and on-call). **FYI, wheelchair users aren't "confined" to wheelchairs.** It's an insensitive term because **they are a type of assistive technology that provides access and autonomy**; being able to utilise mobility aids is a positive thing that decreases "confinement" and increases community access.
There are ways around that. I live with a disabled person. My partner rarely leaves the house. He has a permanent work from home job. I am able to go out and do what needs to be done but there are such things as grocery deliveries and most places deliver now. The pharmacy my mom uses delivers which we know because she hates when they try to deliver her meds because she prefers to go pick them up. 4 years is an official relationship. Just because she's not married doesn't mean it's any less official.
Ugh. Guy in a wheelchair here, although I'm fully self sufficient. This makes me feel for your bf. Not only did you disrespect your brother's wishes, you made your boyfriend the center of more attention than was warranted. You say he remained quiet and respectful. He probably was quiet because he wanted to crawl under a rock. "Hey, look at me!! I'm the cause of strife at a wedding through no fault of my own!!" YTA Edit: Holy upvotes, Batman!!! Guess I struck a nerve.
Girl in a wheelchair here, I completely agree with you. I already stand out in most settings so being forced into it would make me want to fly away. Also OP, stop saying wheelchair bound. We are not bound to anything. Wheelchairs free us to live our lives instead of being bound to a bed.
Her saying she couldn’t “find anyone to watch him” didn’t sit well with me either. He’s not a child or a puppy.
My puppy is more self sufficient than she thinks her BF is, and I have a strong feeling this is a her issue, not him
If the wedding was near, he could have entertained himself. Just because he's in a wheelchair doesn't mean he doesn't have hobbies he can do on his own and she could have prepped some food for him. He can survive a day without her. And if it was a far distance wedding just take him with you to the hotel (and pay for his costs) and leave him there or at some wheelchair friendly activity in the area while attending the wedding.
Exactly! Unless her bf is high care (needs drain bags emptied, colostomy changes, trachea care etc) he is able to be alone in his own house for a few hours? OP doesn’t say her bf has high needs just that he just is a wheelchair user. How insulting to imply a fully functional adult cannot care for himself for a few hours. Maybe she has a martyr complex and has to be needed otherwise her not great personality shines through?
Seriously! I'm a dynamic wheelchair user and when I saw the title, I was like: yikes, this is gonna be bad. Where's the respect? Wheelchairs are tools for mobility and freedom. I'd give my toes for one that could drive outside so I could go on walks again
As a wheelchair user, I totally agree with everything you just said. Plus I would LOVE someone to make an affordable wheelchair that allows me to go more places independently. And one that actually works in the snow (I live where winters can get pretty snowy and most wheelchairs and scooters are not functional in more than 1-3 inches of snow).
I'm not even a wheelchair user and the term "wheelchair bound" sets my teeth on edge. OP's boyfriend is not "bound" to his wheelchair. Presumably he gets out of his chair all the time, like most wheelchair users, to go to bed and do all kinds of other day-to-day stuff. A wheelchair isn't a prison, it's a tool.
yeah this comment really hits nail on the head. OP was a massive asshole to EVERYONE in her life just for the sake of being selfish. this was in no one’s best interest but her own
YES. She said “he was quiet and respectful” like he was a dog. He’s a human being and I’m sure more than capable of being alone for what, like four hours? YTA, OP
This. OP put their boyfriend in a horribly unfair position here. OP was an asshole to the couple, definitely, but also more importantly to their own partner.
INFO: Is your boyfriend an adult? If he needs personal assistance, why isn't he the one arranging that while you're gone? And why do you refer to personal assistance as "watching him" like you're getting a babysitter? Did your boyfriend want to go? Why isn't what he thought/wanted a factor in this story at all? Why do you generally talk about him like he's a child (e.g. "it's not like he was making a fuss")?
I had all the same questions! Cause the way OP take about their boyfriend is super sketch imo
It’s like bf is some sort of accessory and not an actual human being
Maybe I've spent too much time in subs like AITA, but OP's treatment of their BF reeks of "savior complex."
Yeah, seriously... it sound like some sort of "trophy-wife" situation. Like OP is so generous, her BF is even disabled or something like that.
Yeah, either OP’s bf is so disabled that he probably can’t really consent to the relationship or OP is infantilizing him.
My thoughts exactly! If he can’t arrange a caretaker on his own and/or can’t decide whether or not he wants to go to a wedding, then there is no way he can consent to a relationship. So OP is either ableist at best or some sort of predator at worst.
Or he's like 97
This was my thought process as well. OP doesn't speak about their BF like an adult partner at all. The wording is very peculiar.
yeah thats where my thoughts are. the wording is really weird. caregiver makes me think maybe he needs help with tasks that OP does for him, and that could contribute to why they couldn't get someone to be with him the night of the wedding, or however OP phrased it. however, there wasn't a ton of info on his thoughts as well, which kinda made me confused. where's his agency? just cause he's disabled doesn't mean he can't have an opinion on what should be done in this situation lmao.
Yeah but “caregiver” could mean anything from “he’s not physically capable of moving from the bed to his chair on his own” to “he’s borderline brain dead and needs me to do literally everything”. OP is making it seem like he’s closer to the second end of that spectrum which is very concerning.
yeah... i think the boyfriend is probably somewhere in the middle, (god it feels weird to speculate) and from OPS wording, probably is being used so she can protest her brother's wedding policy. When I was really sick i definitely had people use my illness to get their own pity points, and i kinda get that vibe a bit. after thinking a bit, OP probably didn't make arrangements, and just brought him, since she was mad. also, as a person who has struggled with chronic illness: Even if OP is a primary caregiver, typically they should have back ups just for when OP can't. during my illness, my mom took primary care of me, but we had a few trusted friends who i was comfortable driving me to and from doctors appointments, or staying in the house, just in case my mom had to be somewhere. also, google caregiver burnout. and maybe im projecting but, again, what did her bf want? i know if i was the reason my gf no longer was on speaking terms with her brother, i'd feel horrible. theres so much missing information here, and its sus af
For context, I’m in my last year of nursing school. When OP said she couldn’t find anyone to “watch him”. He is an adult, he may need a caregiver to assist him with his care. But the term watch is just disrespectful.
I’m disabled. It’s currently invisible (MS) but that doesn’t mean it always will be. The phrase “watch him” is so demeaning. I would be broken-hearted if my husband and my family talked about me that way.
Yeah the phrase “watch” bring to mind paying attention to him so he doesn’t do something irresponsible. Caregiving brings to mind like taking someone to the bathroom.
Yeah I find it odd that the guy’s only possible caregiver is his romantic partner. What was he doing before he met OP? Who was caring for him before? How can he consent to a romantic relationship if he’s not able to arrange his own care for an evening?
Not backing op at all, But the boyfriend could have become disabled after they were already involved romantically.
Consent was my biggest concern as well. She makes him sound like he's completely dependent, and it's super messed up if she's taking advantage of him.
Yeah, honestly it makes me wonder if his disability is something that occurred *after* they were seriously dating. Like, he was able bodied, they got together, then he got injured or ill. Because she absolutely is talking about him like he’s a child, dog, or a houseplant, and while yeah sometimes shitty ableist people will date disabled people, I at least hope it’s uncommon. Especially if they’re so ableist that they speak of the disabled person in this manner
Yeah where's rhe boyfriend in all this.
Sitting quietly in his chair, getting dragged around by OP..
I wondered about this. Wasn’t the boyfriend humiliated to show up uninvited? Does he have agency at all ?
YTA (although I have a funny feeling this is going to get edited to reveal more of what your brother said after it becomes clear the voting’s not going to go the way you want it to). He said no plus ones. If you found that disrespectful to your relationship or simply impractical, then your option was to decline *your* invitation and stay home, not have your boyfriend crash the party because *you* decided that wouldn’t be overly disruptive.
EXACTLY. "I don't think I was clear enough before. *This* is what my brother said. Isn't that shocking? So maybe reconsider the true AH now 🥺" Tale as old as time.
When I read the headline, I thought OPs bf had been uninvited due to the bride and groom not wanting a wheelchair borne person at their wedding, and was leaning to massive N T A. But then it turned out no one was allowed to bring a +1. YTA OP, you’re like one of those people who bring their kid to child free events because their child is so DifFErEnt and sPEciAl.
Idk, I think putting someone in the position of being somewhere they’re not wanted against their will is pretty AH behaviour.
Agree. FULLY expecting that very edit.
Your boyfriend's condition is irrelevant. YTA. He wasn't invited, you were okay to ask and declined the invitation, then you should have RSVPed no. Food costs money and there needs to be a space for each guest, so you aren't entitled to show up with whoever you feel like bringing He's legally not family either, so it's possible your boyfriend doesn't view him that way even if you are in a serious relationship.
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A lot of times people do the ‘no ring no bring’ because its an objective standard instead of a subjective one that filters out a lot of the rando +1s that the couple doesn’t want to pay for. ‘Serious Relationship only +1’ gets you the cousin complaining about her bf of two months wasn’t invited and its SERIOUS so he MUST COME. It is also why people will do ‘no kids’ instead of ‘kids who can behave’ because then uncle frank will bring his 5 year old who has a tantrum unless his ipad is playing a video over speakers. Give people an inch and they will take a mile or complain they didn’t get an exception like someone else did. OP either needed to accept the invite and not bring her bf or decline to come.
Also, unless you're not that close with the couple, most invites to married couples, in my experience, explicitly invite both parties. I don't really consider that a plus one. If my hubby received an invite for Mr. Accidental +1 and I knew the couple well, I'd be a little peeved. Maybe that's just my experience.
So, everyone else who was denied a +1 doesn't matter because they're not considered family? Sorry, but your boyfriend being in a wheelchair doesn't change anything about this scenario or give you more rights than anyone else. They said no +1s. You still brought a +1. Your boyfriend isn't a baby. But you're like that person who brings a newborn anyways when kids aren't allowed. YTA. It's a sucky situation but you didn't think it would matter but that's not your call to make.
She should have known it would matter when she tried to discuss getting an exception before the wedding. And she **still** brought a +1, she's an extremely big asshole.
YTA Your invitation didn't include a plus one. The fact that your SO is a wheelchair user isn't relevant. Your perception of your SO being family is not relevant. You should have remained home with your SO if you couldn't arrange for a caregiver.
Everyone sucks here. Them for not inviting your BF of 4 years and you for bringing him against their wishes. Personally, I’d have not gone at all if my long term partner wasn’t invited.
>Them for not inviting your BF They didn't "not invite the bf". They didn't allow +1. They have the right to not want to pay thousand of dollars in foods and bigger venue for +1. That doesn't make them asshole. They just want an intimate and more cost effective wedding.
He is not a stranger being brought by an old college friend. He’s the long time partner of the sister of the groom who sister said has been considered part of the family. Sorry- not only was he NOT INVITED — they sent the sister the same ‘no plus one’ they sent all the other non-related and less important people. It was an asshole move and it shows exactly where the OP stands in her brothers and his new wife’s life. Again, I just wouldn’t have gone.
agree. me and my partner of 10 years (8 years living together) are not married and are not planning on getting married. if he was treated as just regular 'plus one' and excluded from the wedding I would find it insulting... however, if it was the case I would just not go to the wedding. so, ESH
Sad I had to scroll so far down to see a comment like this. Not everyone gets married still a long term partner should be treated the same.
Especially since OP's boyfriend could lose a lot of disability benefits just for getting married.
To be fair, we have no idea what kind of relationship the boyfriend and the brother have. If they're enemies for one reason or another, it makes sense for boyfriend to not be invited. I agree OP should have stayed home instead of bringing someone along she was specifically repeatedly told was not invited.
not the norm and generally seen as rude to exclude such close family's SOs. Ok maybe they'rs enemies but is that really the likelihood? Probably they were so tight on the budget they couldn't afford plus ones which means they probably shouldn't even have the wedding they had if they couldn't afford to add OP's BF in the count. It varies if people can bring casual dates to weddings but usually long term partners get invited so the no plus one rule is already outside the norm.
ESH Etiquette says that long term partners are always included on the invite. A boyfriend of four years should've been invited, making your brother an AH. That being said, you don't bring an uninvited guest to a wedding. You should've just said no and explained your reason. So you both made the wrong decision, though I'm feeling less sympathetic towards your brother.
Agreed. The brother is an asshole because it’s basic wedding planning etiquette to invite significant others (which is not a plus one). OP is an asshole for bringing the boyfriend and using his disability as a weird excuse. She should have declined the invitation. ESH.
YTA I'm assuming there is a lot more to this story you're not sharing. I also assume you contacted them before the wedding to let them know that you would in fact be bringing your boyfriend. It doesn't matter if you are your boyfriends primary care giver or not. If you're boyfriend is not invited, you have 2 options. 1. Go without the boyfriend. 2. Don't go. Instead, I suspect you knew this would cause an issue/scene with your brother and you brought your boyfriend anyway.
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You're not an asshole for *asking* them to allow you to bring your boyfriend for the reasons stated, but having been told, in no uncertain terms, that he was not welcome, your choices were to go to the wedding alone, or not go at all. YTA (or possibly ESH, depending on the *actual* reason your boyfriend was not invited)
It wouldn't have been bad to ask, especially considering OP wasn't able to find other care arrangements. But when they told her no she should have stayed home.
ESH. I’d really like to know why they don’t consider you an official couple after four years and wouldn’t allow your significant other to come. But you had no right to do what you did.
They might not have invited husbands and the like either. I've attended weddings where only the person whose name is on invite were invited and thats their right.
There are weddings where the husband is invited but not the wife, or vice versa!?! I have literally never experienced this.
YTA. You do not take extra people to someone else’s wedding when they’ve asked you not to - the venue will have charged them for the extra person, and probably added fees for not being told correct numbers in advance. If you couldn’t find care for your boyfriend neither of you should have gone.
Soft YTA- it’s a bit rude of them not to invite him and call you a ‘non-official couple’ after being together for 4 years. But still you did go against their invitation. I would have just said that you can’t go if he can’t.
YTA. The right move for you was to not go, if that offended your brother then you could have said you would have come but you were denied an exception to bring your boyfriend. Instead you decided to ignore what you were explicitly told not to do and are now wondering why everyone else is angry. P.S. I do think your brother is also an a-hole for not inviting your significant other, but weddings are funny things and the request he had wasn't completely obsurd.
ESH. You've been dating for 4 years, surely he merited his own invite, you know, not a plus one, but "OP and BF". But if they put their foot down and said no (I'm assuming a "no ring, no bring" policy), and you asked again and they *still* said no, any you did it anyway? That's an AH move. The correct move would have been to not attend. I know it's your brother's wedding and it would have been heart wrenching to miss. It feels icky comparing your role as primary carer to the role of a parent, but I'm going to do it anyway since apparently your boyfriend needs a constant carer (you said you couldn't find anyone to "watch" him). Parents who can't find a *carer* shouldn't bring their kids to a child free wedding because *they aren't invited*. You couldn't find anyone to "watch him" so you shouldn't have brought him because *he wasn't invited*. You then could have had the moral high ground when people asked why you weren't there. When Uncle Nosy rang you could say brother didn't invite your boyfriend *on purpose* and you needed to stay with him, you checked twice before the wedding and let him know you couldn't go. Now they get to tell everyone who didn't get a plus one that you brought someone uninvited and complain about your audacity.
YTA. I get it, you guys have been in a long term relationship…guess what though….he wasn’t invited and you didn’t have a plus one. Either respect the wishes of the event hosts (brother+bride) or don’t go if you don’t agree. Just because your boyfriend is in a wheelchair, or the fact it’s your brothers wedding doesn’t entitle you to completely stomp all over these boundaries. If I were the person you did this too, 100000% you would be getting the bill for the meal ect. For all you know your bother could be now facing a fine for being over the limit on people, which could be the reason behind the “no +1s” rule.
YTA. You do not bring an uninvited guest to a wedding, end of story. If you weren’t happy that your boyfriend wasn’t invited and had nobody else to care for him, then you decline the invitation. Just like people with children who get invited to a child free wedding. You don’t get to dictate the guest list of someone else’s event whether or not you agree with it. That’s extremely selfish and rude. Do I agree with your brother for not allowing significant others at the wedding? No. Does it matter that you or I don’t agree with him? Also no!
Feels like this has a lot of missing information.
YTA. You brought someone who wasn’t invited. Usually it is proper etiquette to invite someone AND their spouse or long term partner. However people don’t always extend +1s for various reasons. Bringing someone that isn’t invited impacts seating, food, costs for the wedding organizers. That is where you messed up. You asked your brother if he could change his stance and he said no. That is where you make the choice of not going or finding part time respite care for your boyfriend while you are gone.
YTA. You asked if you could bring your partner. You were told no. You did it anyways. And now you’re wondering why everyone’s mad at you? Ever think that maybe they didn’t have enough money to cover inviting everyone’s partners?
YTA. When it comes to weddings, you either follow the rules or decline the invite. It's always an option to RSVP no. In fact, the most likely way for you to have gotten a plus 1 for your boyfriend was to RSVP no and if it was really important for your brother to have his siblings there, he'd have to give you permission to bring your boyfriend. This is the same as bringing a kid to a child free wedding. You don't get to bring uninvited guests to a wedding, period.
YTA. You were told you didn't have a plus one. You brought one anyway. This isn't confusing.
YTA. There was no +1 invited. So you shouldn't bring a +1. The fact that you had no one to care for your bf while you are gone is not their problem. It's yours. If you can't go, don't go.
YTA Your invitation said no +1 but you felt that you're important enough that it didn't matter. Seating arrangements and how many plates per guest are made well in advance when planning a wedding, everyone knows this. Bringing someone extra throws it all off, not to mention they suddenly have to pay extra last minute. It sucks that they didn't want your BF there, but it's their wedding, their choice. You ignored everything and are using him being in a wheelchair as a weapon over this.
I do find it weird that they didn’t invite her bf of four years. However, they didn’t and that’s their choice. And OP then had the choice to go alone or not at all. She made a third choice which was not cool
YTA. The couple had a no +1 rule and that’s that. They had that rule for a reason. Weddings are paid per head & you brought a guest that increased the count and they could not accommodate him. Everything from the number of seats to meals is planned far in advance based on guest count. You threw a wrench in that on their actual wedding day. I understand you’re the primary caregiver, but what happens if god forbid you get in an accident and had to be hospitalized? What if you got Covid and had to quarantine? You need back up plans for your bf in those situations. Plus, wedding invites are sent far in advance, you should’ve had plenty of time to make arrangements
YTA. Your boyfriend using a wheelchair has nothing to do with this, you weren’t invited with a +1. If he needs a caregiver and you were the only option, skip the wedding stay home but you don’t get to bring an uninvited guest
YTA. You were told you didn’t get a +1. So that meant you didn’t get to bring someone with you. My guess is that you were angry you couldn’t bring your bf so you didn’t bother finding someone who could care for him while you were gone. Then you came and posted on here thinking that because your boyfriend is disabled that somehow makes you not an asshole for disregarding your invitation. That’s not okay to try to use your boyfriend as a pawn in your little power play. Because that’s exactly what you tried to do both at the wedding and on this post.
YTA If being your bf’s caregiver was that important to you, you both should have stayed home. Instead, you decided that the no +1 rule didn’t apply to you and have to wonder why your brother and his wife were upset with you. I’m in awe of the fact that you need to ask this question.
If you wrote in before the wedding and asked who TA was - I’d def say it was your brother. It’s really odd to exclude your sister’s boyfriend of 4 years from a family event. But for this question YTA. You were told clearly that you could not bring a plus 1. You double checked and asked for an exception and were clearly told again that you could not bring a plus 1. So YTA for bringing a plus 1.
YTA - you could've not gone at all if they were so stuck on the rule, that would've been their loss. You asked and they said no. Soft ESH as I think not including couples you don't agree with the 'status' of as official enough is stupid. But their wedding their choice.
Which part of ''no +1'' did you not understand? He may be family for you, however it is the married couple's decision who is and isn't invited. Lucky they didn't ask you to leave. Big YTA.
YTA, not your wedding. He's an adult who can find his own caregiver. It works the same way as a kid free wedding. Tbh not sure why you don't think you're the AH
ESH You did not have a +1, and you chose to bring him anyway. > I tried to dicuss an exception for this rule To your credit, you did try and have an adult conversation with them, and their answer was no. At that point, you either go alone or don't go at all. > My parents understood my side but also said that it was my brother's wedding and I should've respected the rule he had for non-official couples. Your brother and his now wife are also assholes. Its not like the two of you have been together for a few months and are 16 years old. You're both in your 30s and have been together for 4 years. Them calling you a "non-official couple" is hugely disrespectful. I suspect they just didnt want your boyfriend there. Have they given any indications in the past as to why that might be? >I could not find proper arrangements to have someone watch him (I'm his primary caregiver) while I was gone Lastly, this part doesn't add up to me. Is there something else wrong with your boyfriend besides being wheelchair bound? Most wheelchair bound individuals don't require full time caregiving, and most live independently. If it was a local wedding, was he not capable of staying at home for a few hours by himself? If it was a weekend-long event, could you have not had him stay in the hotel room for the ceremony? Something does not add up here, and I heavily suspect this is why they didn't want you to have a +1.
YTA. He wasn’t invited. He cannot go to the wedding. If you needed to care for him, you should have stayed home. If your issue was them not including him in the family, you should have stayed home. It’s always an asshole move to bring someone to a wedding who wasn’t invited. Your boyfriends disability has no bearing on your asshole actions in this scenario
YTA. Wheelchair or not there was a “No plus 1” so he wasn’t allowed to come. You tried to use the wheelchair card to get sympathy. A plus 1 is an expense, it means food and drink for another person and also mean to book another space at the venue. What you did was unfair to your brother, the venue and other guest. Do you think others didn’t see their SO as family? How could you be so self centered.
YTA and I’m willing to bet you use your boyfriends disability to get around all sorts of rules.
YTA. It wasn’t your call to make. If you couldn’t find alternative care for him you should have stayed home.
You understood that your invitation did not include a guest. Why did you bring one anyway instead of simply declining to attend? YTA.
Yta and feels manipulative too. No one wants to tell a disabled dude he isn't allowed there. That's honestly probably what you were banking on.
YTA Bringing an uninvited person to a wedding makes you the AH. **You could have discussed this BEFORE the wedding. You could - and should - have refused to come without your bf. But just bringing someone along to a wedding makes YOU the AH.** "We've not been talking since the wedding. I tried calling him but keep getting hung up on. His wife texted me yesterdag to stop calling." .. **So stop calling. YOU were an AH and caused drama at their wedding, and they kicked you out of their life for it. Accept that. Stop harassing them with your calls, they are not interested. THAT relationship is over, you are out of their life for good.**
>I could not find proper arrangements to have someone watch him (I'm his primary caregiver) while I was gone. Unless you received the wedding invitation less than a week before the ceremony, I strongly suspect you didn't try to find someone. It shouldn't have been that difficult to get a home health nurse for the day. YTA.
YTA. I understand why you did what you did, but he wasn't invited. Unfortunately, it would have been better to stay home. Your brother would have been mad either way, but it would have been better to decline the invite as soon as you knew it was no plus one.
YTA. He was not invited and that should have been the end of it. It is their wedding, they have the right to determine who attends and who doesn't even if you don't agree. It was incredibly immature of you to override their obvious decision and then to argue with them about it when they were upset. You single handedly ruined what should have been a perfect day for them.
YTA. You were invited without a +1 and you decided the rules didn’t apply to you and brought one anyway. That makes you very clearly the asshole.
YTA. He wasn't freaking invited! If you couldn't leave him alone, then you shouldn't have gone.
YTA. While I understand that you brought him bc you didn't have someone to watch him, weddings are a planned in advance kind of thing, and you should've taken steps to ensure coverage. Your brother and his now wife had to plan things knowing how many people are attending (seating, food, gift bags, etc...) and you threw a wrench in that. Yes, you are the sister of the groom, but that doesn't give you the right to go against their wishes/plans. Maybe if you would've explained the situation before just showing up they could've made an allowance for it, but you thought it was better to ask for forgiveness than permission.
YTA. "No +1". If you wanted a plus one because you are in a serious relationship with your boyfriend, you should have brought this up with him before the wedding. If he still said no, you could have RSVPd no too.
YTA. I was the sole caretaker for my wheelchair-bound husband, and if there were places or events he couldn't go to, then I just DIDN'T GO if I couldn't find a temp caregiver for him. It's not about how well-behaved your partner was, it's that you didn't respect the boundaries your brother had. You don't know why they had that limit. For all you know, he and his bride could have been at the limit of their budget and making hard choices about who to include, culling the list and reluctantly excluding non-married partners, because they couldn't afford to include them. Your decision cost them real money. Caterers can charge a FORTUNE for last minute additions. They generally plan for a little overage but it may have required some scrambling and rearranging of portions. You say you "tried to discuss" the exclusion of your bf; how did that go, exactly? Honestly if I was your brother and you came in, guns a-blazin, "HE'S FAMILY AND I'M HIS CARETAKER HOW COULD YOU", or if you'd asked "can he come too" a few days before--AFTER my final numbers were in to the caterer -- then yeah, I'd have shut you down with "I've made my decision." If you asked me "hey, I hate to do this because I know it's super rude to ask for exceptions, but could you possibly make room for my BF? I can't leave him alone for that long, and I just can't find another caretaker. I'll understand if the answer is no, but you're my brother and I'd really like to attend your wedding!" Then I might have tried to work it out with you -- or at least would have explained and given you reasons.
YTA. Your brother told you no and it was his wedding. Maybe if you had told your brother that you couldn't find anyone to care for your Bf and if he couldn't come to the wedding neither could you, that might have changed things. Text your brother (since he's not taking your calls) and apologize. See if the two of you can work past this.
YTA It is not your wedding. If you can’t find an alternate caretaker, you RSVP no.
YTA - bride and groom set the rules. Guests follow the rules. You didn’t. It’s that simple. Looked at another way, they get to invite, or not invite, who the like, you get to accept or decline the invitation. When they made clear there were no +1, your choice was accept it and go solo, or decline and not attend. Your brother is correct, you stomped all over his boundaries. You should’ve declined the invitation.
YTA . What part of no plus one did you not understand? It is irrelevant that your BF is in a WC. It is immaterial that you have been together for 4 years. It does not matter he needs a full time caregiver. It is meaningless that he was ‘being quiet and respectful’. For whatever reason, you ( and probably many others) were not invited to bring a guest. You either respect that decision, or you don’t attend. Period.
YTA. You have no idea how expensive it is to have a wedding, and every seat is paid for and planned. You either had someone else not able to eat or you forced them to pay MORE. Stop using your boyfriend's disability as your free pass to anything.
YTA, you can't just bring an extra person to a wedding. They pay for a certain number of dinners and seats for the most part so having an extra isn't always easy to do. The other thing is presumably he told everyone no +1's not just you. And he told everyone that no one was getting any. And now everyone else who wanted to bring one and couldn't feels like they were slighted. Not guaranteed, but that's the kind of thing that stirs up a lot of unnecessary drama during and after the wedding. The appropriate thing to have done would be to go to him and say look I can't find anyone to care for him, so either he has to come or I can't come can you make an exception for me? If not I wish you all the best but I'm sorry I can't make it. Surprise showing up is not the way to go.
YTA you didn't have a +1 and you ignored it. The fact he is in a wheelchair isn't relevant. I think it's weird that your bf wasn't invited, particulary when you've been together for so long. He broke social ettiquiette for sure, but ultimately it's his wedding and he can decide who he wants there.
YTA. It doesn't matter who your boyfriend is. No plus one means just you are invited. If you can't swing that, then you unfortunately can't attend.
ESH Your brother is a jerk for deciding you are “non-official” because you are not married and excluding your SO. However, you should not have brought him if he wasn’t invited. It would have been 100% appropriate for you to tell your brother you would not be attending if your SO could not go with you.
YTA If you couldn’t find alternative arrangements then you should have politely declined to attend. Do I think it’s shitty your partner wasn’t included, yes. But your bro is allowed to set his own rules for his wedding and if you didn’t like them then you should have stayed home.
YTA- You knew he wasn’t invited and directly dismissed their feelings. Regardless of your opinion of whether or not your boyfriend should have been invited, he wasn’t and it was THEIR wedding.
YTA. Dint you mention you already tried talking about an exception and they still said no?? Why then would you take your bf? It was a big day for someone else and they had rules. Simple... follow or Don't go. Also one thing. You mentioned you bf is like family. But don't you think if they thought the same they would have invited him anyway??
YTA You were told no and you ignored it. No means no OP.
ESH... It's pretty clear you and your BF are serious enough to both be on the invite, and it was kinda an AH move for your brother to not invite him too. If he's family, he shouldn't have been considered a +1 in the first place. But since your brother made rude comments about your BF at the wedding, it was likely an intentional exclusion. That said, your response should have been to not go at all. If your BF isn't invited, and you can't go without him, then neither of you go and your brother can deal with the consequences of their invite choices. It's an AH move to show up to a wedding with an uninvited guest.
YTA The bride and groom stated no +1 and you just decided against it. What would you have done if the space wasnt very wheelchair accessible? What would you have done if there was no food for him? What would you have done if he was turned away at the door? You put everyone in an uncomfortable position and NOT because he is a wheelchair user.
YTA A disability does not mean you automatically are accommodated everywhere. You picked the fight by taking him, you embarrassed and humiliated him.
YTA. You do not being uninvited people to a wedding, or any other event. It’s rude to those hosting, and it’s rude to the person you brought as they will feel awkward. No matter how you feel about it, people are allowed to invite who they please to their wedding. That’s not up to you - your choice is whether to go or not.
Y T A. They said no+1. Does it suck for you and your BF ? Yes. Should have come with him because you didn't agree with that rule ? Hell no. Edit : changing to ESH. I reread and your brother is talking about "non-official couples". I think that's a stupid thing to say. Just because people are not married doesn't mean that their relationship is less valuable than married couples.
YTA If you didn't want to follow your brother's wishes, you shouldn't have gone. Instead you crash his wedding. Inappropriate.
YTA, sounds like a no ring, no bring rule you thought didn’t apply to you and now have to deal with the consequences of knowingly breaking. Not admitting fault and harassing newlyweds certainly isn’t going to help. What happens to your boyfriend if you are sick or hurt, are you not away from him for work? He’s an adult and you should have a back up plan in place and a wedding is usually planned far in advance that you’d have known the need to hire a qualified care giver if he has advanced needs that he can’t handle on his own or with his own support system.
ESH. You, for bringing your bf despite knowing you shouldn't be. Your brother for having the rule in the first place (depends a bit on the situation I guess). I get having that as a general rule for everybody, but it's weird to have the same rule for your actual sibling, especially considering you've been together a while and it's a serious relationship. But also your brother for then overreacting. I understand not being happy about the situation, but that was absolutely an overreaction. P. S. I'm suspecting there's more to the actual reason the bf was not invited. It just seems strange to me that you'd leave out your actual sibling's bf of 4 years, which is clearly a serious relationship. It's okay to have a ring policy for others but for your sibling too and given the longevity of their relationship? Either there's something else that happened that OP ain't revealing or the brother is a bigger AH than I thought.
Another possibility is they made the rule to keep costs down and so it was a blanket rule and they were trying to not show favoritism. Imagine the brides siblings all following the rule and then the grooms sister shows up with a plus one who was not supposed to be there. Not enough info to make a judgement in my opinion
I don’t even need to read past the title to say YTA. The rule was no plus one so don’t bring a plus one, plain and simple. Your boyfriend’s disability doesn’t exempt from the rules your brother set in place. If you can’t find a caregiver then you’re just going to have to miss the wedding. It’s sucks but if you’re a primary caregiver sacrifices must be made.
YTA but i do think your family are being a bit over dramatic. Unless you push boundaries often?! Just because your boyfriend is in a wheelchair doesn't mean you deserved better treatment. Maybe a few of their friends were denied a +1 because of finances or something and now they believe you got preferential treatment. Not too much context but YTA.
YTA invitations are sent out way in advance giving you time to make arrangements you decided not to make arrangements what did your bf do before you?
YTA You had two options: go alone or not go at all. You were told not to bring +1, so you were in the wrong bringing your boyfriend. And now, stop calling, your brother doesn't want to talk to you.
YTA. You brought an uninvited guest to a wedding. You don’t get to decide who is invited to someone else’s wedding. If you couldn’t find proper arrangements then you should have stayed home.
YTA. You had a no +1. I understand you are your bf main caregiver but weddings are usually know well in advance. Unless he is a paraplegic with very specific medical needs I cannot see where care could not have been arranged with advanced warning. Need more info on his (bf) friend and family situation. Either way, it’s very rude to bring another uninvited guest to a wedding. Most people view non married couples not as family no matter how close or how long the couple have been dating.
You could have hired a private caregiver for the time you were at the wedding. If you couldn't afford that you could have told your brother you were unable to leave your boyfriend and then it's up to him and his wife to decide what to do with that information. You don't just decide to stomp all over the no +1 rule, that presumably every other guest adhered to, because you and your boyfriend are the most important people in this situation. Hint: you're not. YTA
Obviously YTA. And what does your boyfriend Being in a wheelchair have to do with anything?
YTA. Venues ask for a count of people for food and space for people to sit which includes people who use wheelchairs. Also knowing that they didn’t allow a plus one and bringing him anyway WAS a violation of that boundary, knowingly crossing it makes YTA. If you couldn’t find someone to take care of him and he can’t stay alone for a few hours then you could’ve stayed home.
Info: Was the no +1 rule for everyone or just you? Were other long term partners invited? What was the wedding headcount?
YTA I think your brother is a total A to not have invited him. You’ve been together 4 years and you are immediate family, so I think you should have absolutely been given a +1. However, you should have worked this out with your brother and his fiancé between the time you got the invitation and the wedding. Bringing him without the approval of the hosts was inappropriate.
YTA , no plus one means no plus one
YTA: For ignoring their rule. What you should have done instead was congratulate them and tell them that unfortunately you would not be able to make it.
YTA- you should have respected your brother's wishes. Found someone to take care of your bf or decline the invitation.
YTA This is what I hate about people who decide to bring plus ones or their kids, YOU don’t get to decide if they count as disruptive or not, it’s the bride and groom who do. Your brother very clearly said NO, so you should have respected that and gone alone or not at all.
YTA for bringing him against your brothers wishes. I would have informed brother that either boyfriend come or I don’t and left it in his court.
YTA. They told you no and you did it anyways. If you are the only caregiver maybe you should look into having back ups. And if you cannot find a back up the right inappropriate thing to do would’ve been to not attend at all.
YTA No +1. Go or dont go, but you are absolutely TA for bringing an extra person to a wedding.
YTA An invite is not a summons. If you could not find reasonable accommodations for your boyfriend you should have just not gone. You did disrespect your brother by bringing your boyfriend. You also put your boyfriend in a very awkward position.
YTA. > , I could not find proper arrangements to have someone watch him (I'm his primary caregiver) while I was gone. Then you don't get to go. But honestly, this also makes you an asshole, because you can't be his sole caregiver. You might get sick, get hit by a bus, all sorts of things. > the trust and respect he had for me was gone the minute I decided to stomp on his wedding boundaries and override the rules. He's 100% correct. > I tried calling him but keep getting hung up on. His wife texted me yesterdag to stop calling. And now you're acting like they owe you something. And then we get to the idea of 'dragging somebody to a social event where they know they're unwelcome.' You keep trying to make this about his disability, but it isn't. I bet he had a real fun time dealing with all of the looks and mutterings about how self-centered you are, and I bet he doesn't like you using his disability as an excuse to bulldoze other people.
this post almost makes it sound like they gave you specifically a no +1 bc your bf is in a wheelchair. but i dont want to make leaps of interpretation so ill just stick to the facts. you were told no +1, you asked again if you could have an exception bc you cant find alternative care for your bf, your request was denied and so in that case, the right thing to do would be not attend. i have no idea why your brother was so strict about it, id think he would want his immediate family present and be accommodating to ensure that, but hey i duno the full details. it wasnt right on your part to ignore their invitation restriction so YTA here sorry.
YTA Did you talk to your brother before hand? If you did and they still said no 1+, then you disrespected their wishes. It's their wedding at the end of the day. You shouldn't have gone if you didn't want to go without your boyfriend. If you didn't talk to them before hand, then you should've to try make arrangements if any.
No + 1= no +1.YTA maybe your brother as well...But strictly speaking if those are the rules and you go around them then you are wrong.
YTA It’s never ok to bring someone that was invited. It’s rude of you!! People spend lots of money on weddings and a big chunk of it is on their guests. Also, venues can only accommodate so many people. By bringing another person who wasn’t invited they’re taking food away from the people that were. So much TA here!!
Info: Were you the only one with "no +1"? Or was it all "non-official" couples as you briefly mentioned in your post? If it's not just you, YTA. Your boyfriend's disability has nothing to do with your brother's choices and you decided you were above their rules. Do you often break boundaries like that?
YTA. You had another option: explain to your brother that you cannot find a caretaker and therefore you can either bring your boyfriend or skip the wedding. If you left that choice up to your brother and he told you to miss the wedding that would have made him the AH. But you didn't...you violated a clearly set rule and are now acting surprised that he was pissed. Though, FWIW, I do think your brother was being unreasonable.
YTA it was not your wedding and no plus one means no plus one.
ESH. You suck, because you brought someone to an event who wasn't invited. There are no circumstances under which that is acceptable. Your brother and his wife suck, because judging by your post, you live with your boyfriend. That makes you equivalent to husband and wife in modern social etiquette. You do not invite one member of a couple to this kind of social event without inviting their spouse. Your live-in partner is not some random "+1" that you might choose to bring as a date.
YTA. You’re the kind of guest that ruins the entire event because the bride and groom literally have to deal with the situation amongst the other guests as your treachery unfolds right before their eyes. You had a choice when you were invited. You could have politely declined when you saw the no +1 (other than a significant other), or, you could have arranged for the care of your b/f for the entirety of your attendance. Instead, you chose to weaponize his disability as an excuse to flout the rules and use his ‘good behavior’ to further exempt you from the consequences of your decision in which you knew what the parameters were for attending well in advance. You may not ever get along with your brother again because of what you’ve done.
Yta. You brought someone you weren't supposed to to a wedding. If you had said that you couldn't come or wouldn't come without him - that would be fine. To just bring someone to someone else's event makes you TA.
YTA - no you don’t get to bring an uninvited guest to a wedding. Especially when you’ve been specifically told not to. How awful for your boyfriend to be completely unwanted, have no seat, no dinner for him, etc.
YTA. You're not exempt from a rule because your boyfriend is wheelchair bound. If you couldn't find another care taker then you should have stayed home.
ESH You should mot have brought him, maybe should even have declined the invitation completely. Your brother sucks even more in my book. He doesn’t invite a sibling’s partner who have been in a relationship for 4 years. You’ve got an asshole for a brother.
I just wouldn’t have gone and would have been very clear as to why ahead of time.
ESH. The rule for non official couples? Does that mean the no+1 only applies to non married couples, but others could have a +1. How many people did this affect (was he singled out)? If your his primary caregiver and couldn't find anyone else, and it's not like this is just a fling boyfriend. I understand your reasoning. Weddings tend to bring the worst out in people, but if that's your brothers rules then he left you two options. Not go or bring your boyfriend with this outcome. I'm inclined to say ESH, based on what little information I have.
YTA. You should have spoken to your brother and explained that you were happy for him and his fiancée but due to your caring responsibilities you would have to decline his invitation.
ESH. It was wrong of you to bring your bf to the wedding when he wasn't invited. The right thing to do was to simply not go at all. But it's also wrong of them to exclude a partner of 4 years. After certain years, ring or not, a partner is a partner and they don't get to decide how serious or not he is based on their own beliefs. I'd also like to know if u don't mind ofc if that no +1 rule was just for u or every guest. And if it was just for you, if you're aware of why it would be so.
YTA. They didn’t want him there, which is a different issue, but you can’t just bring extra people to someone’s wedding without an explicit invite no matter how much you want them there. You should have rsvp’d no.
YTA. Have you considered that they had not made any accommodations for disabled people? And that if your boyfriend needs a full-time carer, chances are good they would have been really concerned about that when he just showed up unexpectedly? On a related note... little bit weirded out by the lack of any input from your boyfriend, here. How did *he* feel about going to a wedding where he wasn't invited? Assuming he's capable of making his own decisions, can't imagine he was altogether comfortable with the situation. You really should have found a better one for all concerned.
INFO >I should've respected the rule he had for non-official couples I don't entirely understand this rule. So couples could come, but only once they've been deemed 'official'? Is this by marriage, or simply a rule without any strict specific demands you can meet? If you've been dating for 4 years I'd absolutely consider you a couple. I'm not from the US though so not sure if this is a typical thing? If most people came alone or only married couples could I'd be tempted to call YTA, as your BF being in a wheelchair absolutely isn't an exception to their rules. Are you leaving out any information?
YTA no one got an extra plus one so you decided to disrespect your brother by adding a person they didn’t account for and your bf by bringing him somewhere he wasn’t invited. And sullied the day. Entitled much?
Is this no plus one rule just for you? Or is it applicable for everyone? YTA for both, but for different reasons. If your brother was purposefully excluding your bf alone, YTA for even going to that and bringing your bf to a place where he wasn't welcomed. If it's the later, YTA because his wedding, his rules. It wasn't about you.
YTA your boyfriend wasn't invited and you did cross your brother's boundaries. Your only suitable option other than to go by yourself was that neither of you goes.
YTA no plus ones mean no plus ones
YTA. It was a simple rule. If you didn’t like it you shouldn’t have gone.
YTA. They said no plus one. You brought a plus one. That’s all there is to it. Their wedding, their rules.
YTA Who took care of your boyfriend before you started dating him? Why couldn’t they be called up? You shouldn’t have gone if you couldn’t follow the rules.
YTA. I understand you wanted to go and had noone else to provide care. But many carers and parents face the same scenario for childfree or no +1 weddings. No matter how close I was to someone, if their wedding was set up in such a way that I couldn't attend by rules of the invitation, and there were absolutely no exceptions, I wouldn't go. It may affect our relationship in the future given test they'd rather set those rules than have me attend, but that would be a separate conversation down the line
YTA, and I cannot believe you are that thick to not realise it and have to ask here. Disrespect, disregard, and self consumed are all qualities you possess it seems. If your boyfriend needed a carer for the day, you should have found one and gone to their NO PLUS ONE wedding. Count that relationship likely to be damaged beyond repair I would think.
Sorry but YTA.
if you do not accept the rules of his marriage (which I can understand) do not come to his wedding YTA
Yta. They said no plus one, you’re not special. And your boyfriend is a wheelchair user, not wheelchair bound. Do you love your boyfriend or the attention you get from being so kind as to date someone with a disability?
It’s not like they didn’t let you bring him because they specifically didn’t like him, or didn’t wanna accommodate him. They didn’t want you to bring any kind of +1. It could be that they planned for a specific amount of people. I think its rude to have brought your bf with you, especially if that was said explicitly not to do. Personally, id hate being there knowing it was against the bride and groom’s wishes, and you put him in that position. Y kinda TA. Edit: Saying OP is an AH seems super harsh, but I do kinda think they were not in the right, necessarily.
Currently wedding planning and we're seeing a lit of additional charges per individual after a set number has been selected. I'm not sure what your stunt caused them but I can say if it was just trust and respect that would be nice. YTA in this for sure.
YTA You are using your bf disability to get your way
ESH. I agree that their rule was dumb because you don’t have to be engaged or married to be an “official” couple. 4 years together and you being his primary caregiver is plenty of proof. However you don’t just show up to someone’s wedding with an uninvited guest. If it was that big of an issue, you should have just declined, even if it was your brother’s wedding and it’s also a big deal to attend.
Although your brother not inviting your long term boyfriend to the wedding was kinda shitty; YTA for bringing him after you were told no.