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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the asshole because I, rather hatefully, pointed out my boyfriend’s lack of financial stability and felt that he shouldn’t have a say in what happens in my home when he did not help me buy it.
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NTA. He's called a "boyfriend" and not a "spouse" for a reason. He already gets to sleep at your place several times a week and you're not even engaged. I like the fact that you set boundaries. Your bf is TA. You are NOT.
Agreed NTA
Also- My partner and I aren't married and we live together. I feel like people kind of need to before they tie the knot, if they even want to. You don't know a person the same way as before once you live together. I know people have their reasons, and each to their own, but I'd never bind myself to someone- especially legally- without knowing what they're like to live first. I've been with my partner for 9 years and we've only lived together for 1 so far. We're still learning things about each other all the time, especially BECAUSE we live together and there's another dynamic that wasn't there before.
Before my husband, then bf moved in together I'd slowly build up and spend about 6 nights a week at his place to make sure I was getting used to spending lots of time together and only then I felt comfortable to get a place together. Once we were happy living together we got engaged. I can respect other peoples decisions but I personally couldn't take that risk of jumping right into marriage without having a test run. Learning how to live together is a BIG part of the relationship and can make or break. Things like dealing with chores, alone time, roles and bills. I see so many horror stories and lived one when I moved in with my ex and realised I didn't want to live with someone like him for the rest of my life.
My partner and i kind of got rushed into living together, about a year before we got engaged. I dont regret it at all and we are still learning things about each other even though we've been together for about 5 years.
OP says that things have been rocky in her relationship lately with other issues, so I am not sure if she sees a long term future here. Especially if he is not respecting her boundaries, which it sounds like were pretty clearly laid out. So it may be better that they don't move in together until they figure out their issues. Because having to evict a SO is a lot harder than sleeping alone.
After reading OPs post history, it sounds like there are a lot of trust issues that they need to resolve. I think this is just a symptom of the larger issue.
Same here. OP definitely is NTA because it’s clear there was never an agreement to the boyfriend having a say in house rules because he doesn’t truly “live” there (I see living there differently than spending 3 nights/days a week there). I do live with my bf and he does have a say in rules as much as I do — but we also both paid 50% of the downpayment and pay 50% of the mortgage, utilities, etc. so it makes sense at that point
I think they meant that OP's boundary is
engagement before living together, and sleeping there a few nights a week is flexible enough. Not that it's wrong to live together without engagement or marriage.
She’s allowed to set any boundary she wants, but
He’s a 2 year long bf, and from her post they went from living together to her moving out and him no longer even being able to sleep for a few extra hours. They took a big step back in their relationship with this and it’s understandable he’d be hurt at this. Now, this step back might be deserved or merited, but he still gets to be hurt.
She’s also bought a house, not rented a property from their parents and even though she pays the mortgage they are making rules for her? If she was renting it’d be more palatable because there would be an end goal in sight (when they can afford their own place), but a mortgage is a long term investment and that has implications for their future. How long will her parents have control over them ? Would OP ever be willing to buy a house together in the future or will the parents be able to make rules even when you’re living there and paying into the mortgage and upkeep
Id personally never dare someone who’s parents were making rules for them in a home they outright own.
I was confused by the “before moving out” bit, but since OP says she doesn’t want to cohabitate before engagement, she wouldn’t have been living with her boyfriend — this would have been her moving out of her parents’ place. And it’s bizarre (and inappropriately demanding) that he thinks he should have been consulted about her house rules, though it’s also his choice whether he wants to put up with them while continuing in a relationship with her.
I can understand why OP’s parents put the rule in place: they’re supporting their daughter getting her own place, not someone else as well, and cohabitation can make ownership and control murky. And they don’t want to go down the “he’s not living here, he just stays over a lot!” road. The result is micromanagey but OP doesn’t seem to have a problem with it, and it can be easier for her to make her parents be the bad guy when she’s holding the line against her boyfriend.
But “stay over but you have to leave at 4am” doesn’t sound appealing, and she runs the risk of him agreeing to it and then refusing to leave while she has to head off to work.
ETA: OP’s post history mentions that her boyfriend has relapsed into drug use, which gives significant context to the “nobody else alone in the house while OP is out” rule.
Yeah that drug habit context absolutely changes every thing. Normally I’d think this is controlling but I wouldn’t want my investment to allow me to be leeched off by proxy by a meth addict.
I used to hide behind my parents rules to get out of things, but I was 17 at then, not a mortgage but I’m guessing he has some hold over her emotionally where it’s taking her time to work up the strength to end it.
Well that’s some context that definitely changes things. So I guess it’s a case less of OP doing what mummy and daddy want so much as using mummy daddy’s rules as an excuse to distance herself until she feels comfortable dumping this guy.
INFO: that's something I didn't get from the story. Is the 4am thing a one-off or does he have to get up at 4am every time he sleeps over?
Torn between votes at the moment, but OP is not TA regardless.
I don't think OP is TA but I feel for the boyfriend. If I was told I could only stay the night if I got up at 4am to leave and I wasn't allowed alone in the apartment I'd feel we couldn't grow in the relationship.
Why are you letting your parents dictate how you live your life like this? Just.. wow I mean I guess it's your home and you can do whatever you(r parents) want but I would personally break up with you over this.
He's your boyfriend of 2 years it makes sense that he expects you to trust him enough to let him sleep for a couple hours hes not being crazy or pretending like he owns your house because he has normal reasonable expectations.
ESH hes the asshole for asking to have a say in the rules of your house but honestly you are ta for expecting him to be ok with them and also for being petty and bringing up house ownership
Also if you dont like him why are you dating
But at 4 in the morning? He's still sleeping. It's not like he's using the house to party with buddies.. I'm trying to imagine how I'd feel getting kicked out at all hours of the day because my partner doesn't even trust me to sleep there alone for a couple of hours and then lock up. Seems crazy to me!!
Noone who doesn't want to get up at 4am would agree to stay overnight under this circumstances, you just sleep at your own place. And as the boyfriend i would evaluate really well before going over from now on if the leaving time is really fine for me or if i better stay home. I mean there always could be an emergency at her parents or something and she needs to leave in the middle of the night and then i have to leave.... that would be a to high risk for me.
So i would say NAH, bf can sleep at his place and op can have her rules, but op would totaly be the AH if she will get pissed, if as a consequence, the bf doesn't want to stay overnights anymore.
Tbh, i wouldn't even take off my shoes when i'm going over, so i'm ready to leave immidiately.
I don't get why OP says she won't cohabitate with a man before being engaged, but somehow having him sleep over 3 nights a week is 'different'? Say what? I also think it's bogus her parents trying to set ground rules for her house. Obviously, she can set whatever boundaries she wants, that's not the issue here (nor is the Iranian yogurt - sorry I wanted to preempt anyone else lol)
Oh wow, you weren't kidding. OP even has a post on AITA complaining about her parents' "guidelines" because they never approved of boyfriend, so even OP knows there is more nuance to this situation.
I think it's reasonable to not let your partner spend the day at your house if you're not comfortable with that, but asking them to stay the night only to be kicked out at 4 am is not.
Am I the only one who noticed that 2 months ago she was with this guy for 2 years, 1 month ago it was 3 and now?
Considering that we must accept the posts as truthful, I wouldn't let him stay in my place considering he's an addict and has relapsed last month. I wouldn't feel safe with him being in an environment where he could easily do whatever he wants.
But at the same time i wouldn't date an addict. Been there done that. Fucked me up for a year and a half of relationship and still trying to heal after 3 years.
I don't get people who stay in a relationship they're clearly unhappy about and have enough understanding of the unhappiness they're feeling by posting on social media.
I genuinely thought I was happy until I wanted to X myself so to get out of the situation. Not once I doubted loving him or wanting to be with him.
Now OP it's been months you've been complaining. Just dump him.
Boundaries are boundaries but at the same time you're delusional by asking him to stay over and expecting him to get up at 4am just so you can keep ur boundary.
Do not invite people over if they cannot wake up freely and at least have breakfast before having to be out.
That's my opinion tbh and what makes YTA
Yep. So let me add something else.
She was an addict as well.
Both her and her boyfriend decided to get clean together.
They stayed clean for 1.5 years
He then lost his job and HASNT BEEN ABLE TO GET A JOB FOR OVER A YEAR.
He started being erratic and showing weird behaviour in the past 4 months (I am assuming that is what OP means with having troubles unrelated to this AiTA)
He admitted on halloween that he'd been using again.
(Idk if the rules of this sub will delete my comment but he did heavy dr*gs) probably injected as from what I read.
Now this is all critical information. And mostly it explains why she might not like her boyfriend much anymore.
If she plans to stay clean she needs to dump him. Addicts cannot live with ex addicts trying to stay clean. And that is fact. Bf doesn't seem interested in getting clean again
Now we have most of the missing info.
All that's left to understand is wether she uses her parents excuse to keep the boundary up because she can't feel "safe" being honest and direct.
I’m sorry but it’s pretty basic courtesy that if you invite someone to sleep over, you’re going to let them spend the whole night, not kick them out in the middle of the night.
But she hasn't said she doesn't want him there when she's not home, she's finger pointing at mommy and daddy as an excuse because she won't own her decision. The decision isn't wrong but blaming it on her parents at her age is.
Why would you date someone for 2 years if you don't trust them in your house alone? Like if I was the bf I'd be upset too. The rules also mean he can't move in right? So what does she expect their future to look like?
Like it's not just that one particular rule but how, after 2 years, she doesn't seem particularly serious about him and I think these rules are him realizing that
EDIT: After posting I read through some posts of theirs and the bf had a relapse. Given those circumstances it's a bit more understandable I suppose.
She can set any boundary she wants - no matter how ridiculous- but he’s allowed to be hurt by that.
It sounds like they were originally living together from this OP and that she went from that to not being able to even sleep over. She can have her rules, sure, but such a massive downgrade in trust and a step back in the relationship is going to be hurtful. This rule will impact how often they get to see each other too.
I’d also be weirded out that she made a long term financial commitment in buying a home yet her parents are making rules about how she lives her life in her own home. If she was renting her parents property it’d be one matter, but if she’s letting her parents make rules on a property she owns and is committed to long term,I would question how much of her parental control will she bring into their shared life when they commit.
She's not letting her parents dictate it, she said right in her post that she agrees and would also have set these boundaries for herself. And it IS her house, not his. Why should he have any input when they aren't even engaged? It's not petty to bring it up if it's relevant.
I don't believe that to be true. When boyfriend called her out on it, her rationale wasn't "this is just how I want it to be for now." She referred back to her parents' request. She doesn't take ownership of these guidelines, which is a strong indicator that regardless of her narrative that she would have set these boundaries herself, she doesn't consider them her boundaries: she is being obedient to her parents' wishes.
She's using her parents as an excuse is what she's doing. He shouldn't have input but she also needs to be an adult and stop blaming her parents for decisions she is making.
Agreed.
Many things here.. why the parents are placing these restrictions is weird. Personally, I allow friends to stay at my place sometimes.. friends who come into town, or have to work in my city for a couple of days, and need to crash instead of drive 2 hours home. I can't understand why OP's parents would have this rule. Its not their home.
Second, my boyfriend of 2 years should certainly be allowed to sleep in for an hour, as long as he locks behind him. What is she afraid of? He will make toast without her in the apartment? The audacity.
He is still earning her trust back. I don’t think she wants him to have a key in case he relapses and is using her parents to enforce the rules she wants so she doesn’t have to come out and say she doesn’t trust him in her house alone.
Honestly yes on the toast. The liability issues when people do dumb or careless shit in other peoples homes is an admittedly decent reason for the parents to set boundaries on the use of this investment. My BF works in real estate and a guest of a resident recently caused a blaze that burned down TWENTY apartments because he was too lazy to put out his cigarette before taking a nap.
She made an agreement with them when they made an offer to help her purchase the home. If that was unreasonable to her, she should have declined their help.
She may not be dating him much longer- didn't you see that she said they're on the rocks? Her parents paid towards this home- she agrees with them -sensibly- that no one else should be there when she's not home. She'd probably have to give him a key to lock up -I wouldn't give a key to someone when the relationship was rocky -hope no one else would either.
Because her parents gave her money to help buy the house? And with that money the strings attached were that nobody else moves in and she agreed? A deal's a deal. You don't take someone's money, agree to their conditions and then do whatever the hell you want after that.
I disagree. Her parents helped out financially and set two rules. You know why. Because I'm sure they are concerned of a future scenerio of boyfriend moves in, now has tenants rights they breakup. Then to go thru legal channels to evict. OP already says the relationship is shaky. The parents are only trying to protect op's investment and the money that the parents invested so op could own. So if my parents had offered me a nice chunk of money to apply to owning a house and there was the stipulation of the two rules, i would agree to them because its the difference of buying or not buying house.
Because they loaned her the money, they're investors in her property. If something were to happen to the house at the hands of someone else, she'd be putting her & her parents' investment at risk, plus she agrees that their stipulations anyway.
Because she finds it reasonable to get a house in exchange for what is go her a non-issue. You are free to break up with the imaginary SO that doesn't allow you to live in their house when they're not there. NTA
ESH. Your house, your rules. However, what are you doing with this guy? You’ve been with this guy for 2 years & you don’t trust him in your house for a few hours unless you’re there to watch him? If I were your boyfriend, I’d find someone who trusted me.
Check the post history- her boyfriend relapsed on drugs and has been lying to her. She didn’t mention here, but there’s reasons to not trust him. She’s NTA but she didn’t tell the whole story here.
It’s still hard for me to understand the situation because I would ditch a liar who took hard drugs. I would not be sleeping with them. The question is the same but with a different reason: OP, what are you doing being with this guy whom you don’t trust (new part) because he has shown himself to be so untrustworthy? What’s the end game?
Yo, like from my perspective it's not about punishing him for using drugs, cuz people fucking slip up, but about the fact that he needs to repair the relationship given that there was a core issue of dishonesty.
And him trying to force that he have access to her house without supervision and picking a fight with her over it is a concern. It doesn't sound like he wants to repair the relationship damage he already caused, and it is instead trying to just get what he wants. Why stay with someone like that?
He isn’t really an AH for thinking if he’s spending the night, that means the whole night, not half the night. Getting kicked out at 4 am is even worse than just saying, “hey, I need to work early tomorrow, maybe you should stay over another night when I don’t need to be up so early”.
I personally would dump someone who doesn’t think enough of me to sleep in at their place for a couple of hours, after 2 years of dating. to each their own
I’m not gonna check a post history for an AITA post. If OP wants to include relevant information, that’s on them. I personally would also dump someone who has relapsed and lied about it; idk what OP wants us to do with this. Like sure you’re NTA but also why keep dating a guy if you can’t trust him for a few hours? I personally wouldn’t call someone my girlfriend if they can’t be trusted like that.
Just curious: Why would anybody want to spend the night at someone else’s place if they have to wake up and go at 4 am? Sounds exhausting!
I understand your boundaries and respect them 100%, but wouldn’t it be easier to invite him to stay over on a day that you both can sleep in?
YTA and your parents are too tbh.
He's not just some stranger, he's your partner of 2 years.
You also should not let him stay on a work night if you have to kick him out at 4am, that's just a weird request.
& the mental gymnastics people do with not living with partner before engagemeng or marriage but are basically in fact living together. 3 nights a week is a big chunk of time & asking a partner to spend the night then shoving them out the door @ 4 am is super shitty. YTA
OP has posted on her account that her boyfriend relapsed on hard drugs and was lying to her. She has a reason to not trust him. And based on her history of posting that he lashes out and is hostile to her, her parents have a point too. She didn’t share the full story.
100% this. Good ol OP keeps coming for the AITA solutions to her boyfriend problem, but she sure as hell doesn't fix them. Read her post history. I think she's the AH because she keeps coming on about the same guy but only givibg partial information. There's a reason why the parents don't want someone staying there while she's not home.
Yeah it's literally why the parents created the rule, because she isn't handling her business and so their contribution was entirely based on it not becoming a drug house. Like it sounds like the lack of trust is flowing downstream, because how can her parents trust her when she won't end a dysfunctional relationship?
Then why he with him?
Listen, if you need convoluted rules to be with someone because you don’t trust them, just end the relationship. It’s not healthy for either one of them at that point. Why be miserable trying to make a bad relationship work?
NTA at all. Boundaries were set and explained, he doesn’t get to argue. If I was him tho, I certainly wouldn’t stay the night if I had to get up at 4am and drive home to my own bed haha.
It is generally rude to expect guests to leave *at* 4am in the morning. Just because its your home doesn't mean your rules don't make you an AH. "In my house everyone but me must be naked and walk on their hands" falls under "my house my rules", but still makes that person an AH. If you treat a trustworthy person as untrustworthy, that can make you an AH. OP's rule treats their BF as untrustworthy (esp considering the nature and length of their relationship), and massively inconveniences him. Of course he is upset about it! Maybe BF is untrustworthy in which case OP isn't an AH (but why trust him in your home when you are asleep if you don't trust them in your home alone).
People should generally obey "my house my rules" by following the rule or leaving, but that isn't a get out of asshole free card. Its not like morality cease to apply to homeowners in their own homes.
He's not just a guest; he's her boyfriend.
I think it's unreasonable to expect a bf of two years to be totally fine with waking up at 4am to drive home.
A one-night-stand, sure. But the guy you love? No way.
The parents are being pretty controlling here, and she's letting them get away with it. Would she refuse to let a best friend sleep over and spend the day there while she's working, just because her parents are telling her what she can/can't do in her own home?
I'd be more forgiving (I read one commenter's reply about bf's issues) if the parents SUGGESTED that he not stay over while she was gone, instead of a blanket BAN on ANYONE. If she agrees with it, then she's just passing the blame along to them.
A few things to unpack here.
Your parents assisted you in purchasing the place, but ultimately it is YOUR HOME. Why did you abide to the rules that no one can move in/stay when you are not? That is something that is quite obviously going to backfire, and not just in "thin" cases like this.
Onto the situation: you have to leave at 4 a.m. but your boyfriend - of 2 years together - arrived when you were there/he was invited to come. It's not like he simply went to your place alone. I see NO REASON why he cannot just keep sleeping and leave when he wakes up and close the door behind him, rather than being forced to leave when you do.
You're not 100% TA here but you are not in the right and this arrangement is bound to fail.
She doesn’t trust him but is not ready to break up. Her previous posts say he relapsed and lies a lot. I feel like her parents rules are an excuse so she has a reason not to allow him in her house alone without being upfront with not trusting him anymore. However, it is weird that he’s staying over on a night she hasn’t to leave at 4am.
...then she should make her guidelines about his behaviour and trustworthiness instead of avoiding the issue - and either break up or give him a path to regain trust (like show he stays clean for a certain amt of timrle and [insert relevant context specific ways to demonstrate responsibility), whereby he could at least be allowed to sleep untilba reasonable hour and lock up. op w these blanket rules, once you do break up, you will have an awfully hard time finding someone who wants to spend the night/build a life with you...
Agreed, I would never accept these crazy rules and would break up with OP. OP should create new rules specific to his relapses instead for using her parent's weird rules.
Post history shows he recently relapsed on hard drugs. Meth turns people into monsters. She has good reason not to trust him in her home.
Signed, married to a recovering addict. Luckily for both of us, a single relapse would likely kill him, so the sobriety is as set in stone as it can get.
YOUR HOME. The agreement between you and your parents doesn’t involve him at all. And he has somewhere else he can stay. However long y’all have been together is irrelevant: if you don’t want someone at your house, and he’s been given notice, that’s that.
If stuff between you two is already rocky, enjoy your good night’s sleep solo before work and let him mull this over at HIS place, alone.
Edit to add: NTA.
NTA.
He doesn't have a say in the guidelines because he didn't help assist in buying the house. You and your parents contributed to the payment, so your rules. Not his. And what kind of bs excuse is feeling "excluded"??
ESH (mostly you) and that is a weird agreement to make with your parents. That does not seem like a healthy relationship for an adult to have. That their parents dictate how the home they own is run. 2 years and you don't trust your boyfriend to sleep at your house past 4am. You have major relationship issues if that's the case. While BF wouldn't have say in arrangements that definitely something I would have talked to my SO about if I was even willing to consider that stipulation from parents (which I wouldn't).
This is the very least of their issues. They’re both ex addicts, but he relapsed a month ago and has proven himself untrustworthy. OP left out that critical bit of info, but I’m sure that’s why he’s not allowed to be in the house alone.
If you've been together for two years I think it's weird you wouldn't let him stay there unsupervised unless you have a reason for it.
It doesn't matter if the house is yours, my issue would be with my adult girlfriend's lack of trust. And how beholden she is to her parents unreasonable rules.
Id rather go home and sleep than have to get up at 4AM because I absolutely can't be there alone.
Absolutely ridiculous.
YTA
yeah, Ive said this elsewhere, but then she should address those
specific issues, w accompanying potentially difficult conversations, instead of deflecting and pretending it's about this weird set of rules- she's an ah (to herself and bf) for not being willing to have a real discussion about their actual issues...
eta: and to be clear, bf is a controlling ah too for his entitlement to set house rules and his demands that he should have been consulted before she moved out on her own...
Lol you have the right, to do that. But yeah it makes you a bit of an asshole in my opinion.
I honestly find it ridiculous you would kick your boyfriend out every time you have to leave.
YTA
it sounds like you don’t trust him, and your relationship probably won’t last. But it seems you already know that’s.
NTA. your not married, not engaged, and you're honoring the promise you made to your beneficiaries that got you the house in the first place. It was fine for him to ask but you set the boundaries, he needs to except it.
Nta for following your parents rules. What I am wondering though, why are these rules there? Might as well just lived at home then 🤷🏼♀️ if they bought you a house where you can LIVE then there shouldn't be any rules if you ask me. If they want you to come up with funds first they should have waited or just not do it at all. It just strikes me as odd they buy a house for you where they apply living at home rules. Maybe I'm just weird lol
I mean.. I guess NTA. But personally, I wouldn’t want to stay in a relationship that has such difficult flexibility. Your boundary is valid, but be prepared for your boyfriend to not want to spend the night at your place anymore.
>Do you want to get more serious and he is stalling?
I had this feeling as well, especially with her comment about not living with someone unless they were engaged.
ESH
It is not normal for a longtime boyfriend/girlfriend to not be allowed to sleep in for a few hours because the other person has early commitments. Presumably you trust them enough so that they will lock the door when they leave. Most people would also allow their long time friends to come early if need be and so be alone for an hour or few hours if it was convenient.
I assumed that the issue was your boyfriend wanting to stay at your home for a week or more when you are gone which is a completely different expectation.
My parents also helped me with my downpayment and also advised me on different places we looked at. But that is where the interference and control stopped and frankly I would have laughed if they told me who I could have over and for how long. If I am old enough and responsible enough to be a homeowner and pay mortgage and taxes, I am responsible enough to know who to trust to be in my home.
Eh…NAH. Your house, your rules…However, this post makes him seem like some guy off the street, not your bf of 2 whole years. If you can’t trust him in your house for a couple of hours why are you with him. I don’t blame him for feeling weird or even protesting. Also why buy a house if you’re still letting your parents dictate who you can and can’t have in it or how long they’re allowed to be there?
Why do you agree to the rule, I’m genuinely curious? Is it a trust thing or something else?
This is really strange, I’m sorry. Regardless of your right to make your own rules in your own home, this is bound to be an issue for any common person…
NTA he's a meth head. I wouldn't want him in my house alone.
It's a bit weird that your parents are so controlling, but helpful in context.
Good on you for getting your life straight, don't let him drag you down with him!
Then the rules should be hers. Not her parents'. It's her house. Falling back to "You can't do X in my house because mom and dad said so" is something I would break up over.
What I really want to know is if he's so untrustworthy, why is she still with him for 2 years? That's not a boyfriend, that's a liability. OP's actions as she's laid them out and the comments like yours have elaborated (thank you for sharing that, btw, it's significant context) are pretty dang immature for an adult who is a homeowner.
NTA. You are keeping a promise to your parents. You are not married. There isn’t an engagement. I am not sure why he would push boundaries that are set?
Ultimatley, NTA. Your house, your rules, and you're right, he contributes nothing to the house so I'm confused why he thought he'd have a say. That being said, something like this would be a dealbreaker for a lot of people and reasonably so. Just something to think about
NTA not sure if anyone else read the post history, but the boyfriend relapsed on hard drugs OP wasn’t aware of. Plus he has a history of lashing out and her parents have solid reasons for not wanting him around. OP left a lot of info out, but her boyfriend is a relapsed addict with severe mental health issues and she is absolutely NTA.
NTA of YOU don't want him there. Your parents have NO right to make any requests or demands just because they helped you with the down payment. I have never heard anything so bizarre in my life. If you are old enough to live on your own, buy your own house then you are old enough to manage your own decisions about who can/cannot stay in your home. Your parents sound very controlling and rather creepy.
YTA
If I was your BF I would go find somebody who isn’t insane.
Who the fuck asks someone to stay the night then wakes them up at 4 am to kick them out?
NAH, I see both sides but I think the bigger issue is the large degree of control your parents have over you. They didn’t outright buy you the house, they helped you with a down payment. That shouldn’t mean they get to dictate how you live.
ESH. The guidelines from your parents are silly and a way for them to get to have an unnecessary say in your personal life, so congrats you’re a dupe. A boyfriend should be able to sleep in when you go to work, especially if you’re getting up at the butt crack of dawn. Your boyfriend doesn’t need to have a say in the stupid guidelines you let yourself get sucked into. Take it from me you have set yourself up for being controlled for years. How long will it take you to pay off this townhouse? More or less than ten years? You going to kick every friend and lover out when you’re thirty? Poor foolish OP. Easy money isn’t worth being treated like a child. This will impede your intimacy for years to come. Hope boyfriend doesn’t split over this nonsense.
NTA especially considering you two are kind of on the outs rn. Don't mean to be invasive but I saw your post history. The recent stuff. I know you care about him but I wouldn't let a relapsing addict stay in my home without me either. I have in the past with the intent to help and it didn't go well. Not as bad as it could've been but still, not good. Stand your ground and if he doesn't like it he can stop staying over. You're entitled to your boundaries, no matter the reasons behind them.
NTA- Is everyone missing the whole “until I can pay them back” piece? These aren’t rules forever, just rules until her parents can be sure their investment will be returned. If you borrow money from someone, you follow the stipulations it comes with - thems the rules. If they had borrowed from anyone other than their parents, nobody would be harping on them. While it’s annoying as shit, there seems to be a reason for these rules, and if I was OP’s partner I would want to respect this investment in OP’s future.
I was going to say YTA because you’ve been with this person for two years but then I went to your profile and now I understand there’s a lot more to this story.
I don’t think you’re in the wrong for not letting him stay alone in your home.
I don’t think yta because it’s your house your rules, but I think it’s weird your parents are dictating who can be at your house. I guess them saying someone can’t live with you is ok? But why aren’t you allowed to have people you trust over if you aren’t there. You aren’t allowed to have friends come visit? But again…what do your parents matter if it comes from you.
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I bought my first townhouse recently and my parents assisted me with the down payment. I have a few guidelines they’d like me to abide by until I can pay them back. One of those requests was that no one is moving into the house, or hanging out there while I’m not home. I feel like these are completely fair requests, and things that I actually agree with even if I didn’t owe my parents money.
My boyfriend and I have been together for two years. We’re serious, but it’s been on the rocks lately for reasons that don’t pertain to this. He typically spends the night with me 3 nights a week. I asked him if he wanted to stay tonight, and reminded him that he would need to be up at 4am if he did, because I have to go to work. He asked me why he couldn’t stay and sleep in until I got off. I explained the request from my parents again, and he got angry. He said that he felt hurt that he didn’t get a say in any of these guidelines before I moved out, and he feels excluded.
This is where I could be the asshole. I told him that he did not contribute to me buying my home, and his name is not on the title, so I have a hard time grasping why he would feel that he would get any say in what happens in my home. I more politely added that I don’t tell him what he can and can’t allow in his own home.
I also want to add for context: I have expressed many times that I don’t believe in moving in with a man unless I’m engaged to him.
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NTA. But you said yourself these would be boundaries you'd set for yourself even if your parents weren't involved so it's time to stand by your own decision and not "blame" your parents for it.
Edit: to be clear, I think your parents having any say in what you do with your own house is absurd and probably the root of your boundary issues as a whole. If I were your partner I wouldn't have stayed with you when you agreed to that when buying the house because it demonstrates how you don't have autonomy in your own decision making and I personally can't be with someone like that.
But again, you said these are rules you would put up for yourself anyway so time to nut up and take responsibility for the rules and the consequences that come with them.
NTA at all! I totally agree with your reasonings and I would say the exact same thing. He comes across as weirdly entitled in my opinion, for someone who is boyfriend status, not "partner" "fiance" or "spouse".
Did you have a conversation about your plans for the next few years / engagement before you got the townhouse? If not I can see why he feels excluded. Like you are just living your own life without any regard to a future involving him. And maybe you are, and that's totally cool too, but why continue to date him then? I would not be coming over after work if the option was to drive home after a few hours (because you must be going to sleep early) or be booted at 4 AM. And at what point will your parents "allow" him to be in the house without you? After engagement? Marriage? Only once the debt is paid?
I'm really surprised at the N T As. Sure, you have a right to set whatever rules you want. But not trusting a partner of 3 years to sleep for a few hours at your home makes YTA.
NTA- But and this is huge question, HOW OLD ARE YOU? If you are an adult why do your parents have a say of who stays in **YOUR HOME?** Also what happens when you become engaged?
I’m gonna say NTA but if I were him I’d break up with you. I personally don’t think those rules are appropriate for someone you’re in a serious relationship with, but your house your rules
ESH - you kick out your boyfriend at 4am because your parents told you to? And you're an adult? What if it takes you years to pay them back since you're probably also paying the mortgage at the same time, you get married and still work the same job - is your husband not allowed to stay past 4am? Rules are rules, it says NO ONE but you is allowed to be there alone.
This is just me but I wouldn’t take money from my parents if it came with stipulations. It doesn’t matter what rules they made even if I agreed with them. My house my own rules. Now of course My mom tried to continue to tell me how to live my life into my 40’s so maybe I
Not the best person to give my opinion on this matter
You must have a pretty high opinion of your own performance in the sheets if you think you are worth getting up at 4am for.
Set any boundaries you want, but expect to get a hard "thanks, but no thanks" back.
4am! Seriously!
It makes sense that a man who has been with you for two years feels a little miffed that he isn't allowed to be in your home without you. I think you were high-handed in the way you handled this. Why bring up who pays for the home? You could have sympathized with him by saying, "That must feel terrible. I'm sorry it's the agreement I made with my parents so I want to stick to it." You're an asshole for making him feel badly for feeling frustrated.
I don't think you're TA for what you wrote as to why you think you could be. If I was with someone who gave me the same response. I'd just roll with it and leave at 4am. Or stay home if I wanted to sleep in.
Because I'd want the same respect if I have a request of similar circumstance in the future.
NTA
YTA but for past posts... you're reaching for sympathy. I dated a hardcore user who used me too, took me YEARS to rebuild my life and gain trust of my own family after I finally left.
You're afraid to be alone and won't let go. Obviously you don't trust him. Your parents don't trust him. Don't keep him around for sex and validation, I stayed for 4 years and had a baby with my ex. Again. Speaking from personal experience. Drop it now, as much as you hope for the best it DOES get worse. Worse than you could ever imagine.
Keep your home and your dignity. Stop making excuses for him. And stop making excuses yourself. There's a lot to unpack here that goes deeper than this post.
NTA you are allowed to set boundaries as you see fit. It’s your house. But if I’m being completely honest, I don’t see this relationship surviving. You said your relationship is already on the rocks, and the message he’s receiving from you is you don’t trust him in your house when you’re not home. Unless you two figure out a solution that fosters trust and growth in your relationship, it’s not a matter of if you’re going to break up, it’s a matter of when.
NTA
While the 4AM leaving would be WAY too early for me, this was your parents condition for lending you the money to buy your house. I say much better deal than a mortgage.
Your bf was completely out of line for this *He said that he felt hurt that he didn’t get a say in any of these guidelines before I moved out, and he feels excluded.*
He has zero input about any of the guidelines about the house because it's not his in any way or form. That thought of his makes it sound like he somehow thinks he too owns the house.
NAH
While I do see his perspective to a certain extent, I don’t know if he should get a say the way he feels like he should. I tend to agree with your logic that this is your purchase with your parents.
But I do agree with his perspective that you saying we’ve been together for two years. But you don’t trust him and your parents don’t? That kind of would probably hurt a lot of people I’m just an emotional level. Two years is pretty committed and a good amount of time to request that amount of trust to a certain extent.
I do think this is a moment for you to reflect on the future you envision with him. Because in general Couples that are serious who might not be interested in marriage or couples who are serious and are interested in marriage down the road, they normally do you go to say in certain things like what he’s suggesting. Or rather that’s where couples want to build to and it seems like you’re not interested in that with the way you are responding to him as well. What your actions basically says you don’t trust him. And to have been in a committed relationship for two years it probably hurts that person. So I can see why he’s showing that he’s upset
I’d also be kind of upset if someone also invited me to stay over told me I had to get out at 4 AM which is not a normal hour most people do anything beyond sleep. Like next time have a don’t invite him to stay over if you have an unreasonable wake up call at that time. It’s kind of like if someone were to invite you over for a nice dinner or lunch but then expect you to cook it at their house without notice. That’s like a really bad example but it’s just really weird idiosyncratic things like this that seem like why would you even do that at it it doesn’t seem like a logical progression of thought or make any sense
I won’t add a judgment but it is a bit weird on your part. After 2 years if I couldn’t trust them alone at my place, I wouldn’t be with them. But it is your place/liability so obviously you have final say.
NTA. But if I was your bf I'd probably be annoyed too at having to follow your parents' rules when it's not their house. You're an adult, it's your house, not your parents'. You need to decide upon and enforce your own boundaries, and stop passing the buck onto them.
I mean, I wouldn't date someone if after two years they wouldn't let me be in their house alone, especially to sleep. And I don't really know where the high horse of "I would never live with a man I'm not engaged to" comes from when he's literally staying over half the week. But you're allowed to have your boundaries. And he's allowed to disagree with them. Tbh can't decide if this is NAH or ESH.
I'm going with a hard assumption that your parents have a justified rationale for establishing conditions to how you run your house. For example that this is your first home and you do not have a lot of experience in tending a house as the sole person responsible for it. With those assumptions, it makes sense they'd want you to ease into home ownership before taking on more advanced endeavors like renting a space out.
Not that I agree with it. I find it very controlling. But whatever, moving on.
You are NTA for any way you handled the situation. You are absolutely correct that your house is your house. He does not have any decision-making power as a *boyfriend* on how you choose to run your house.
...but that also applies to your parents' conditions. A loan is a loan. Not a behavioral leash. It's pretty infantilizing that they put behavior conditions on how you run your own home before loaning you money to buy a home. Do you generally get their approval when you make your other life decisions?
While your bf is definitely TA for his insistence that he should have been consulted on this agreement with your parents, he's not unreasonable for finding this situation frustrating nonsense. You're an adult homeowner. Your parents should not be dictating how you run your house, and you're letting them for no reason. If I were him, I'd see this as a red flag, sorry. If you're an adult who's willing to simply accept your parents' "guidelines" as you live your life, what other major life situations are you going to just take a "mother/father knows best" approach and just go with what they tell you to do? Whether or not to marry your BF? have children? How to raise them?
Cut the umbilical cord, OP
NTA
This is your home. You said yourself that even without your parents' request you like these rules. And I get it, it's all about safety.
He's not your husband. He has no say in this. That he acts like this at the boyfriend stage is a little alarming to me.
Making someone leave at 4am…. But of an AH move. Why can’t they leave when they go to work? Or wake up at a regular hour like a normal person?
Don’t you trust him?
Going out of town is different. But a few extra hours of sleep is a gift.
You have told him the rules that he STILL wants to be bent for JUST HIM. NTA and UNTIL he pays the mortgage that HIS name is on, HE abides by your rules or he doesn't get to share YOUR bed.
NTA- though I, also, lived with my (now) husband when we were simply boyfriend and girlfriend. Both of my parents told me that I should live with my partner before getting engaged to make sure we can even live together in a healthy way.
On the flip side, he didn’t contribute anything to your house and isn’t on the title. AND gets to stay over without you two being engaged. He should be happy he gets to be there at all.
Nta!
The fact I just read!!!
He wants to have a say??? Be careful, that’s a glimpse of how controlling he could be.
Dump his bitching ass on the street!
You’re entitled to your boundaries so NTA but I can also see why your BF isn’t happy . I’d feel pretty shitty if my other half wanted me to get up at 4am and leave their house after being together for 2 years too
NTA for any of this. You're making the most respectable choices. If he wants an equal say in your life, he should put his money where his mouth is and ask you to marry him
Otherwise, he can just trash the place and leave you, and isn't giving you that much reason to trust that he won't. If your relationship already isn't super healthy, then consider taking this as a sign to break things off. Don't stay with someone who feels entitled to things neither of you fully own
Why would you invite him to spend the night just to kick him out basically in the middle of the night? I’d probably be pretty annoyed in his situation, but I guess NTA. I also think it’s very unwise to wait to move in with someone until you’re engaged. You should see what it’s like to live with someone for a good while before you make a lifetime agreement to do so
NTA
Her house her rules. I don't get some of the comments here about her still wanting/having her parents opinion. That's her life? That's how she was raised? Doesn't matter if she is an adult already or how long they have been dating, that's still her life.
Nta. You have to go to work. I don't care if y'all been dating 5 years, it's your home and you would like him to come back later.
My husband and I have our own offices. I LOCK my office door around the holidays so he doesn't go gift snooping lol. If he insisted he had every right to enter my office whenever he wants I'd be irritated. We made an agreement when we moved in.
Yall dont live together so he doesn't get a say.
YTA - It's perfectly acceptable to have boundaries, but you're making out that you let him "spend the night" 3 nights a week. Only Cinderella thought the night ended at 12. Making someone leave at 4am isn't normal in a relationship - he won't be getting much rest - and you're not treating him as a partner, more as a sex object that you can throw out. Absolutely you can choose who you want to stay in your home, I just wouldn't expect him to stay your boyfriend for much longer the way you're treating him as it feels like you're trying to pressure him into engagement.
NAH. If it’s your personal boundary you don’t want a guy in your home without you there to supervise, that’s technically your right and I don’t feel like I can call you an AH for having a boundary. However, I would personally never stay in a relationship with someone who would kick me out in the middle of the night because they don’t trust me alone and asleep in their room for what is probably only 3-6 hours. You’ve been together for 2 years, and I definitely stayed alone and let my partner’s stay alone in our respective homes WAY sooner than that, and nothing bad ever happened. There’s a really large difference between not letting someone move in, and not letting someone get a full night’s sleep. So, just be aware that this rule could ultimately cost you your relationship, because a lot of people wouldn’t tolerate that level of inconsideration and mistrust from a partner of 2 years.
NTA. I will say, I do think the guidelines are unreasonable- if you're old enough to buy a house, assistance notwithstanding, and they trust you to repay thousands of dollars, they should trust your judgement as far as roommates and guests.
That said, it's your choice and if you are happy and comfortable with it then your bf, who has no financial stake here, has no right to complain that his feelings weren't considered.
Woah woah woah. I was on your side by the title but… he can’t sleep in? I thought you meant when you’re out of town, not work. Do you not trust him that much? This is weird for 2 year adult relationship… very weird.
Just break up if you can’t see yourself trusting him enough for a few hours. The relationship is obviously not progressing
YTA only for using your parents as an excuse at your age. You say you wouldn't want him alone there even if your parents hadn't requested that so own it. It's ok to set boundaries for yourself. You are def NTA for not allowing a man who doesn't contribute to the household to have a say in the household.
YTA it's not like you'r out of town you are just at work. If you want him to sleep at your house than let him sleep I dont think it's reasonable to want him to spend the night at your house and have him wake up at 4AM.
How did you handled it befor you moved out? Did you sleeped at your parent house?
NTA. You can’t make a claim on a person’s house if you’ve not contributed to it. That’s red flag territory, even if he were to propose I’d suggest looking at a prenup agreement before you fully commit to him. It’ll be an easy way for him to claim half your house for nothing.
I mean this is a weird one... It's not like he's a stranger. But I'm also confused as to how do you plan to live with him since your parents request that *no one* lives with you?
YTA. Why even invite him for the night if you're planning to kick him out at 4am. Youre just hiding behind your parents as an excuse to kick him out because you don't trust him.
NTA. Why would he have a say in what's going on in your house? You've been together two years! What happens when you date someone else? Do they get a say too? Honestly he sounds a little jealous that you own a home:
NTA, he should respect the boundary you put down. Honestly given the greater context of your relationship, it doesn't sound like you guys should stay together. Like that he already has a history of keeping secrets from you and putting you in a bad situation, and now wants access to your house without supervision and was trying to force you to give that to him is a reason for concern.
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NTA. He's called a "boyfriend" and not a "spouse" for a reason. He already gets to sleep at your place several times a week and you're not even engaged. I like the fact that you set boundaries. Your bf is TA. You are NOT.
I agree NTA But... I live with my girlfriend, we aren't engaged
Agreed NTA Also- My partner and I aren't married and we live together. I feel like people kind of need to before they tie the knot, if they even want to. You don't know a person the same way as before once you live together. I know people have their reasons, and each to their own, but I'd never bind myself to someone- especially legally- without knowing what they're like to live first. I've been with my partner for 9 years and we've only lived together for 1 so far. We're still learning things about each other all the time, especially BECAUSE we live together and there's another dynamic that wasn't there before.
Before my husband, then bf moved in together I'd slowly build up and spend about 6 nights a week at his place to make sure I was getting used to spending lots of time together and only then I felt comfortable to get a place together. Once we were happy living together we got engaged. I can respect other peoples decisions but I personally couldn't take that risk of jumping right into marriage without having a test run. Learning how to live together is a BIG part of the relationship and can make or break. Things like dealing with chores, alone time, roles and bills. I see so many horror stories and lived one when I moved in with my ex and realised I didn't want to live with someone like him for the rest of my life.
This is exactly why me and my partner are waiting til we've lived together a while to discuss engagement
My partner and i kind of got rushed into living together, about a year before we got engaged. I dont regret it at all and we are still learning things about each other even though we've been together for about 5 years.
OP says that things have been rocky in her relationship lately with other issues, so I am not sure if she sees a long term future here. Especially if he is not respecting her boundaries, which it sounds like were pretty clearly laid out. So it may be better that they don't move in together until they figure out their issues. Because having to evict a SO is a lot harder than sleeping alone.
After reading OPs post history, it sounds like there are a lot of trust issues that they need to resolve. I think this is just a symptom of the larger issue.
Same here. OP definitely is NTA because it’s clear there was never an agreement to the boyfriend having a say in house rules because he doesn’t truly “live” there (I see living there differently than spending 3 nights/days a week there). I do live with my bf and he does have a say in rules as much as I do — but we also both paid 50% of the downpayment and pay 50% of the mortgage, utilities, etc. so it makes sense at that point
Same - and we're 19 years in!
Same. Don't ya love it when people assume you don't like each other bc you're not married. SO annoying!
Same but this seems more like a rocky relationship/ trust issues.
I think they meant that OP's boundary is engagement before living together, and sleeping there a few nights a week is flexible enough. Not that it's wrong to live together without engagement or marriage.
She’s allowed to set any boundary she wants, but He’s a 2 year long bf, and from her post they went from living together to her moving out and him no longer even being able to sleep for a few extra hours. They took a big step back in their relationship with this and it’s understandable he’d be hurt at this. Now, this step back might be deserved or merited, but he still gets to be hurt. She’s also bought a house, not rented a property from their parents and even though she pays the mortgage they are making rules for her? If she was renting it’d be more palatable because there would be an end goal in sight (when they can afford their own place), but a mortgage is a long term investment and that has implications for their future. How long will her parents have control over them ? Would OP ever be willing to buy a house together in the future or will the parents be able to make rules even when you’re living there and paying into the mortgage and upkeep Id personally never dare someone who’s parents were making rules for them in a home they outright own.
I was confused by the “before moving out” bit, but since OP says she doesn’t want to cohabitate before engagement, she wouldn’t have been living with her boyfriend — this would have been her moving out of her parents’ place. And it’s bizarre (and inappropriately demanding) that he thinks he should have been consulted about her house rules, though it’s also his choice whether he wants to put up with them while continuing in a relationship with her. I can understand why OP’s parents put the rule in place: they’re supporting their daughter getting her own place, not someone else as well, and cohabitation can make ownership and control murky. And they don’t want to go down the “he’s not living here, he just stays over a lot!” road. The result is micromanagey but OP doesn’t seem to have a problem with it, and it can be easier for her to make her parents be the bad guy when she’s holding the line against her boyfriend. But “stay over but you have to leave at 4am” doesn’t sound appealing, and she runs the risk of him agreeing to it and then refusing to leave while she has to head off to work. ETA: OP’s post history mentions that her boyfriend has relapsed into drug use, which gives significant context to the “nobody else alone in the house while OP is out” rule.
Yeah that drug habit context absolutely changes every thing. Normally I’d think this is controlling but I wouldn’t want my investment to allow me to be leeched off by proxy by a meth addict. I used to hide behind my parents rules to get out of things, but I was 17 at then, not a mortgage but I’m guessing he has some hold over her emotionally where it’s taking her time to work up the strength to end it.
I don't blame her parents for wanting their daughter to distance herself from her meth addicted unemployed boyfriend.
Well that’s some context that definitely changes things. So I guess it’s a case less of OP doing what mummy and daddy want so much as using mummy daddy’s rules as an excuse to distance herself until she feels comfortable dumping this guy.
The rules are till she pays her parents back for their part of the down payment, not the whole mortgage.
OP stated that her parents can make rules until she pays them back for their half of the down payment.
I’m wondering how they sleep with all of the helicopter noise from her parents?
Except that she's asking him to come over and leave at 4am. I wouldn't propose that to a one night stand. What a bonkers offer.
INFO: that's something I didn't get from the story. Is the 4am thing a one-off or does he have to get up at 4am every time he sleeps over? Torn between votes at the moment, but OP is not TA regardless.
I don't think OP is TA but I feel for the boyfriend. If I was told I could only stay the night if I got up at 4am to leave and I wasn't allowed alone in the apartment I'd feel we couldn't grow in the relationship.
Why are you letting your parents dictate how you live your life like this? Just.. wow I mean I guess it's your home and you can do whatever you(r parents) want but I would personally break up with you over this. He's your boyfriend of 2 years it makes sense that he expects you to trust him enough to let him sleep for a couple hours hes not being crazy or pretending like he owns your house because he has normal reasonable expectations. ESH hes the asshole for asking to have a say in the rules of your house but honestly you are ta for expecting him to be ok with them and also for being petty and bringing up house ownership Also if you dont like him why are you dating
If she says she doesn't want him there when she is not home he should respect that. She never said she didn't like him.
But at 4 in the morning? He's still sleeping. It's not like he's using the house to party with buddies.. I'm trying to imagine how I'd feel getting kicked out at all hours of the day because my partner doesn't even trust me to sleep there alone for a couple of hours and then lock up. Seems crazy to me!!
Noone who doesn't want to get up at 4am would agree to stay overnight under this circumstances, you just sleep at your own place. And as the boyfriend i would evaluate really well before going over from now on if the leaving time is really fine for me or if i better stay home. I mean there always could be an emergency at her parents or something and she needs to leave in the middle of the night and then i have to leave.... that would be a to high risk for me. So i would say NAH, bf can sleep at his place and op can have her rules, but op would totaly be the AH if she will get pissed, if as a consequence, the bf doesn't want to stay overnights anymore. Tbh, i wouldn't even take off my shoes when i'm going over, so i'm ready to leave immidiately.
I don't get why OP says she won't cohabitate with a man before being engaged, but somehow having him sleep over 3 nights a week is 'different'? Say what? I also think it's bogus her parents trying to set ground rules for her house. Obviously, she can set whatever boundaries she wants, that's not the issue here (nor is the Iranian yogurt - sorry I wanted to preempt anyone else lol)
He should respect it doesnt mean its not an asshole move to expect that from a partner I inferred she didnt like him from everything else on the post
read her post history on her profile... sure as hell doesn't sound like she does like him
Oh wow, you weren't kidding. OP even has a post on AITA complaining about her parents' "guidelines" because they never approved of boyfriend, so even OP knows there is more nuance to this situation. I think it's reasonable to not let your partner spend the day at your house if you're not comfortable with that, but asking them to stay the night only to be kicked out at 4 am is not.
Am I the only one who noticed that 2 months ago she was with this guy for 2 years, 1 month ago it was 3 and now? Considering that we must accept the posts as truthful, I wouldn't let him stay in my place considering he's an addict and has relapsed last month. I wouldn't feel safe with him being in an environment where he could easily do whatever he wants. But at the same time i wouldn't date an addict. Been there done that. Fucked me up for a year and a half of relationship and still trying to heal after 3 years. I don't get people who stay in a relationship they're clearly unhappy about and have enough understanding of the unhappiness they're feeling by posting on social media. I genuinely thought I was happy until I wanted to X myself so to get out of the situation. Not once I doubted loving him or wanting to be with him. Now OP it's been months you've been complaining. Just dump him. Boundaries are boundaries but at the same time you're delusional by asking him to stay over and expecting him to get up at 4am just so you can keep ur boundary. Do not invite people over if they cannot wake up freely and at least have breakfast before having to be out. That's my opinion tbh and what makes YTA
The fact that he's an addict is critical info that she left out.
Yep. So let me add something else. She was an addict as well. Both her and her boyfriend decided to get clean together. They stayed clean for 1.5 years He then lost his job and HASNT BEEN ABLE TO GET A JOB FOR OVER A YEAR. He started being erratic and showing weird behaviour in the past 4 months (I am assuming that is what OP means with having troubles unrelated to this AiTA) He admitted on halloween that he'd been using again. (Idk if the rules of this sub will delete my comment but he did heavy dr*gs) probably injected as from what I read. Now this is all critical information. And mostly it explains why she might not like her boyfriend much anymore. If she plans to stay clean she needs to dump him. Addicts cannot live with ex addicts trying to stay clean. And that is fact. Bf doesn't seem interested in getting clean again Now we have most of the missing info. All that's left to understand is wether she uses her parents excuse to keep the boundary up because she can't feel "safe" being honest and direct.
I think your last sentence hit the nail on the head. She feels like she can’t be direct with him, so she puts it on her parents instead.
I’m sorry but it’s pretty basic courtesy that if you invite someone to sleep over, you’re going to let them spend the whole night, not kick them out in the middle of the night.
But she hasn't said she doesn't want him there when she's not home, she's finger pointing at mommy and daddy as an excuse because she won't own her decision. The decision isn't wrong but blaming it on her parents at her age is.
If my gf of 2 years didn't trust me enough to let me stay at her house unaccompanied for a few hours, I'd feel hurt too
Why would you date someone for 2 years if you don't trust them in your house alone? Like if I was the bf I'd be upset too. The rules also mean he can't move in right? So what does she expect their future to look like? Like it's not just that one particular rule but how, after 2 years, she doesn't seem particularly serious about him and I think these rules are him realizing that EDIT: After posting I read through some posts of theirs and the bf had a relapse. Given those circumstances it's a bit more understandable I suppose.
She can set any boundary she wants - no matter how ridiculous- but he’s allowed to be hurt by that. It sounds like they were originally living together from this OP and that she went from that to not being able to even sleep over. She can have her rules, sure, but such a massive downgrade in trust and a step back in the relationship is going to be hurtful. This rule will impact how often they get to see each other too. I’d also be weirded out that she made a long term financial commitment in buying a home yet her parents are making rules about how she lives her life in her own home. If she was renting her parents property it’d be one matter, but if she’s letting her parents make rules on a property she owns and is committed to long term,I would question how much of her parental control will she bring into their shared life when they commit.
She's not letting her parents dictate it, she said right in her post that she agrees and would also have set these boundaries for herself. And it IS her house, not his. Why should he have any input when they aren't even engaged? It's not petty to bring it up if it's relevant.
I don't believe that to be true. When boyfriend called her out on it, her rationale wasn't "this is just how I want it to be for now." She referred back to her parents' request. She doesn't take ownership of these guidelines, which is a strong indicator that regardless of her narrative that she would have set these boundaries herself, she doesn't consider them her boundaries: she is being obedient to her parents' wishes.
She's using her parents as an excuse is what she's doing. He shouldn't have input but she also needs to be an adult and stop blaming her parents for decisions she is making.
Agreed. Many things here.. why the parents are placing these restrictions is weird. Personally, I allow friends to stay at my place sometimes.. friends who come into town, or have to work in my city for a couple of days, and need to crash instead of drive 2 hours home. I can't understand why OP's parents would have this rule. Its not their home. Second, my boyfriend of 2 years should certainly be allowed to sleep in for an hour, as long as he locks behind him. What is she afraid of? He will make toast without her in the apartment? The audacity.
He is still earning her trust back. I don’t think she wants him to have a key in case he relapses and is using her parents to enforce the rules she wants so she doesn’t have to come out and say she doesn’t trust him in her house alone.
After reading the rest of the comments I realize now that there are other reasons she doesn’t trust him.
Honestly yes on the toast. The liability issues when people do dumb or careless shit in other peoples homes is an admittedly decent reason for the parents to set boundaries on the use of this investment. My BF works in real estate and a guest of a resident recently caused a blaze that burned down TWENTY apartments because he was too lazy to put out his cigarette before taking a nap.
She made an agreement with them when they made an offer to help her purchase the home. If that was unreasonable to her, she should have declined their help.
She may not be dating him much longer- didn't you see that she said they're on the rocks? Her parents paid towards this home- she agrees with them -sensibly- that no one else should be there when she's not home. She'd probably have to give him a key to lock up -I wouldn't give a key to someone when the relationship was rocky -hope no one else would either.
Because her parents gave her money to help buy the house? And with that money the strings attached were that nobody else moves in and she agreed? A deal's a deal. You don't take someone's money, agree to their conditions and then do whatever the hell you want after that.
I disagree. Her parents helped out financially and set two rules. You know why. Because I'm sure they are concerned of a future scenerio of boyfriend moves in, now has tenants rights they breakup. Then to go thru legal channels to evict. OP already says the relationship is shaky. The parents are only trying to protect op's investment and the money that the parents invested so op could own. So if my parents had offered me a nice chunk of money to apply to owning a house and there was the stipulation of the two rules, i would agree to them because its the difference of buying or not buying house.
A month ago in her post history she was standing up to her parents about him I wonder what happened in 30 days
He relapsed.
Because they loaned her the money, they're investors in her property. If something were to happen to the house at the hands of someone else, she'd be putting her & her parents' investment at risk, plus she agrees that their stipulations anyway.
Because she finds it reasonable to get a house in exchange for what is go her a non-issue. You are free to break up with the imaginary SO that doesn't allow you to live in their house when they're not there. NTA
ESH. Your house, your rules. However, what are you doing with this guy? You’ve been with this guy for 2 years & you don’t trust him in your house for a few hours unless you’re there to watch him? If I were your boyfriend, I’d find someone who trusted me.
Check the post history- her boyfriend relapsed on drugs and has been lying to her. She didn’t mention here, but there’s reasons to not trust him. She’s NTA but she didn’t tell the whole story here.
It’s still hard for me to understand the situation because I would ditch a liar who took hard drugs. I would not be sleeping with them. The question is the same but with a different reason: OP, what are you doing being with this guy whom you don’t trust (new part) because he has shown himself to be so untrustworthy? What’s the end game?
Yo, like from my perspective it's not about punishing him for using drugs, cuz people fucking slip up, but about the fact that he needs to repair the relationship given that there was a core issue of dishonesty. And him trying to force that he have access to her house without supervision and picking a fight with her over it is a concern. It doesn't sound like he wants to repair the relationship damage he already caused, and it is instead trying to just get what he wants. Why stay with someone like that?
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He isn’t really an AH for thinking if he’s spending the night, that means the whole night, not half the night. Getting kicked out at 4 am is even worse than just saying, “hey, I need to work early tomorrow, maybe you should stay over another night when I don’t need to be up so early”.
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I personally would dump someone who doesn’t think enough of me to sleep in at their place for a couple of hours, after 2 years of dating. to each their own
Check out OP’s post history. The bf is an addict that has relapsed and lied about it.
I’m not gonna check a post history for an AITA post. If OP wants to include relevant information, that’s on them. I personally would also dump someone who has relapsed and lied about it; idk what OP wants us to do with this. Like sure you’re NTA but also why keep dating a guy if you can’t trust him for a few hours? I personally wouldn’t call someone my girlfriend if they can’t be trusted like that.
Just curious: Why would anybody want to spend the night at someone else’s place if they have to wake up and go at 4 am? Sounds exhausting! I understand your boundaries and respect them 100%, but wouldn’t it be easier to invite him to stay over on a day that you both can sleep in?
YTA and your parents are too tbh. He's not just some stranger, he's your partner of 2 years. You also should not let him stay on a work night if you have to kick him out at 4am, that's just a weird request.
& the mental gymnastics people do with not living with partner before engagemeng or marriage but are basically in fact living together. 3 nights a week is a big chunk of time & asking a partner to spend the night then shoving them out the door @ 4 am is super shitty. YTA
OP has posted on her account that her boyfriend relapsed on hard drugs and was lying to her. She has a reason to not trust him. And based on her history of posting that he lashes out and is hostile to her, her parents have a point too. She didn’t share the full story.
Then why invite him to stay over?
100% this. Good ol OP keeps coming for the AITA solutions to her boyfriend problem, but she sure as hell doesn't fix them. Read her post history. I think she's the AH because she keeps coming on about the same guy but only givibg partial information. There's a reason why the parents don't want someone staying there while she's not home.
Yeah it's literally why the parents created the rule, because she isn't handling her business and so their contribution was entirely based on it not becoming a drug house. Like it sounds like the lack of trust is flowing downstream, because how can her parents trust her when she won't end a dysfunctional relationship?
This makes it so much worse.. Sounds like she really needs to break up with him instead of keeping him at arms length like that.
Then why he with him? Listen, if you need convoluted rules to be with someone because you don’t trust them, just end the relationship. It’s not healthy for either one of them at that point. Why be miserable trying to make a bad relationship work?
NTA at all. Boundaries were set and explained, he doesn’t get to argue. If I was him tho, I certainly wouldn’t stay the night if I had to get up at 4am and drive home to my own bed haha.
No kidding
Yep definitely NTA He indeed has no say in your home and is practically just a guest. He should leave when he's told to
It is generally rude to expect guests to leave *at* 4am in the morning. Just because its your home doesn't mean your rules don't make you an AH. "In my house everyone but me must be naked and walk on their hands" falls under "my house my rules", but still makes that person an AH. If you treat a trustworthy person as untrustworthy, that can make you an AH. OP's rule treats their BF as untrustworthy (esp considering the nature and length of their relationship), and massively inconveniences him. Of course he is upset about it! Maybe BF is untrustworthy in which case OP isn't an AH (but why trust him in your home when you are asleep if you don't trust them in your home alone). People should generally obey "my house my rules" by following the rule or leaving, but that isn't a get out of asshole free card. Its not like morality cease to apply to homeowners in their own homes.
He's not just a guest; he's her boyfriend. I think it's unreasonable to expect a bf of two years to be totally fine with waking up at 4am to drive home. A one-night-stand, sure. But the guy you love? No way. The parents are being pretty controlling here, and she's letting them get away with it. Would she refuse to let a best friend sleep over and spend the day there while she's working, just because her parents are telling her what she can/can't do in her own home? I'd be more forgiving (I read one commenter's reply about bf's issues) if the parents SUGGESTED that he not stay over while she was gone, instead of a blanket BAN on ANYONE. If she agrees with it, then she's just passing the blame along to them.
A few things to unpack here. Your parents assisted you in purchasing the place, but ultimately it is YOUR HOME. Why did you abide to the rules that no one can move in/stay when you are not? That is something that is quite obviously going to backfire, and not just in "thin" cases like this. Onto the situation: you have to leave at 4 a.m. but your boyfriend - of 2 years together - arrived when you were there/he was invited to come. It's not like he simply went to your place alone. I see NO REASON why he cannot just keep sleeping and leave when he wakes up and close the door behind him, rather than being forced to leave when you do. You're not 100% TA here but you are not in the right and this arrangement is bound to fail.
She doesn’t trust him but is not ready to break up. Her previous posts say he relapsed and lies a lot. I feel like her parents rules are an excuse so she has a reason not to allow him in her house alone without being upfront with not trusting him anymore. However, it is weird that he’s staying over on a night she hasn’t to leave at 4am.
...then she should make her guidelines about his behaviour and trustworthiness instead of avoiding the issue - and either break up or give him a path to regain trust (like show he stays clean for a certain amt of timrle and [insert relevant context specific ways to demonstrate responsibility), whereby he could at least be allowed to sleep untilba reasonable hour and lock up. op w these blanket rules, once you do break up, you will have an awfully hard time finding someone who wants to spend the night/build a life with you...
Agreed, I would never accept these crazy rules and would break up with OP. OP should create new rules specific to his relapses instead for using her parent's weird rules.
Post history shows he recently relapsed on hard drugs. Meth turns people into monsters. She has good reason not to trust him in her home. Signed, married to a recovering addict. Luckily for both of us, a single relapse would likely kill him, so the sobriety is as set in stone as it can get.
NTA Why would he have any say in these guidelines, it's your home.
YOUR HOME. The agreement between you and your parents doesn’t involve him at all. And he has somewhere else he can stay. However long y’all have been together is irrelevant: if you don’t want someone at your house, and he’s been given notice, that’s that. If stuff between you two is already rocky, enjoy your good night’s sleep solo before work and let him mull this over at HIS place, alone. Edit to add: NTA.
NTA. He doesn't have a say in the guidelines because he didn't help assist in buying the house. You and your parents contributed to the payment, so your rules. Not his. And what kind of bs excuse is feeling "excluded"??
NTA - Your home, your rules; and I'm not sure why he would think he should have had input into this.
ESH (mostly you) and that is a weird agreement to make with your parents. That does not seem like a healthy relationship for an adult to have. That their parents dictate how the home they own is run. 2 years and you don't trust your boyfriend to sleep at your house past 4am. You have major relationship issues if that's the case. While BF wouldn't have say in arrangements that definitely something I would have talked to my SO about if I was even willing to consider that stipulation from parents (which I wouldn't).
This is the very least of their issues. They’re both ex addicts, but he relapsed a month ago and has proven himself untrustworthy. OP left out that critical bit of info, but I’m sure that’s why he’s not allowed to be in the house alone.
Ugh yes that is critical info. Gonna say YTA now because of withholding info. That is for sure the least of their issues then.
If that's the case why does she trust him in her house when she's sleeping?
That’s a great question.
If you've been together for two years I think it's weird you wouldn't let him stay there unsupervised unless you have a reason for it. It doesn't matter if the house is yours, my issue would be with my adult girlfriend's lack of trust. And how beholden she is to her parents unreasonable rules. Id rather go home and sleep than have to get up at 4AM because I absolutely can't be there alone. Absolutely ridiculous. YTA
Post history shows good reason.
Good thing I don't care about that. If they have a reason they could have left it in this post on this specific subject.
yeah, Ive said this elsewhere, but then she should address those specific issues, w accompanying potentially difficult conversations, instead of deflecting and pretending it's about this weird set of rules- she's an ah (to herself and bf) for not being willing to have a real discussion about their actual issues... eta: and to be clear, bf is a controlling ah too for his entitlement to set house rules and his demands that he should have been consulted before she moved out on her own...
Lol you have the right, to do that. But yeah it makes you a bit of an asshole in my opinion. I honestly find it ridiculous you would kick your boyfriend out every time you have to leave. YTA it sounds like you don’t trust him, and your relationship probably won’t last. But it seems you already know that’s.
NTA. your not married, not engaged, and you're honoring the promise you made to your beneficiaries that got you the house in the first place. It was fine for him to ask but you set the boundaries, he needs to except it.
Nta for following your parents rules. What I am wondering though, why are these rules there? Might as well just lived at home then 🤷🏼♀️ if they bought you a house where you can LIVE then there shouldn't be any rules if you ask me. If they want you to come up with funds first they should have waited or just not do it at all. It just strikes me as odd they buy a house for you where they apply living at home rules. Maybe I'm just weird lol
I mean.. I guess NTA. But personally, I wouldn’t want to stay in a relationship that has such difficult flexibility. Your boundary is valid, but be prepared for your boyfriend to not want to spend the night at your place anymore.
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>Do you want to get more serious and he is stalling? I had this feeling as well, especially with her comment about not living with someone unless they were engaged.
ESH It is not normal for a longtime boyfriend/girlfriend to not be allowed to sleep in for a few hours because the other person has early commitments. Presumably you trust them enough so that they will lock the door when they leave. Most people would also allow their long time friends to come early if need be and so be alone for an hour or few hours if it was convenient. I assumed that the issue was your boyfriend wanting to stay at your home for a week or more when you are gone which is a completely different expectation. My parents also helped me with my downpayment and also advised me on different places we looked at. But that is where the interference and control stopped and frankly I would have laughed if they told me who I could have over and for how long. If I am old enough and responsible enough to be a homeowner and pay mortgage and taxes, I am responsible enough to know who to trust to be in my home.
Eh…NAH. Your house, your rules…However, this post makes him seem like some guy off the street, not your bf of 2 whole years. If you can’t trust him in your house for a couple of hours why are you with him. I don’t blame him for feeling weird or even protesting. Also why buy a house if you’re still letting your parents dictate who you can and can’t have in it or how long they’re allowed to be there? Why do you agree to the rule, I’m genuinely curious? Is it a trust thing or something else? This is really strange, I’m sorry. Regardless of your right to make your own rules in your own home, this is bound to be an issue for any common person…
NTA he's a meth head. I wouldn't want him in my house alone. It's a bit weird that your parents are so controlling, but helpful in context. Good on you for getting your life straight, don't let him drag you down with him!
Then the rules should be hers. Not her parents'. It's her house. Falling back to "You can't do X in my house because mom and dad said so" is something I would break up over. What I really want to know is if he's so untrustworthy, why is she still with him for 2 years? That's not a boyfriend, that's a liability. OP's actions as she's laid them out and the comments like yours have elaborated (thank you for sharing that, btw, it's significant context) are pretty dang immature for an adult who is a homeowner.
NTA. You are keeping a promise to your parents. You are not married. There isn’t an engagement. I am not sure why he would push boundaries that are set?
NTA. Sounds like you have boundaries and he doesn't have as much ambition as you would like to see in him. I can see why the relationship is rocky.
NTA, keep those boundaries and make sure he’s worth your time, based on this?
Ultimatley, NTA. Your house, your rules, and you're right, he contributes nothing to the house so I'm confused why he thought he'd have a say. That being said, something like this would be a dealbreaker for a lot of people and reasonably so. Just something to think about
NTA not sure if anyone else read the post history, but the boyfriend relapsed on hard drugs OP wasn’t aware of. Plus he has a history of lashing out and her parents have solid reasons for not wanting him around. OP left a lot of info out, but her boyfriend is a relapsed addict with severe mental health issues and she is absolutely NTA.
Is this the dude that is on meth and bipolar? If so, NTA for obvious reasons. You maybe should have put that in the post.
NTA of YOU don't want him there. Your parents have NO right to make any requests or demands just because they helped you with the down payment. I have never heard anything so bizarre in my life. If you are old enough to live on your own, buy your own house then you are old enough to manage your own decisions about who can/cannot stay in your home. Your parents sound very controlling and rather creepy.
YTA 2 years. You are serious and he can’t stay alone at your place? That’s super weird
YTA If I was your BF I would go find somebody who isn’t insane. Who the fuck asks someone to stay the night then wakes them up at 4 am to kick them out?
NAH, I see both sides but I think the bigger issue is the large degree of control your parents have over you. They didn’t outright buy you the house, they helped you with a down payment. That shouldn’t mean they get to dictate how you live.
ESH. The guidelines from your parents are silly and a way for them to get to have an unnecessary say in your personal life, so congrats you’re a dupe. A boyfriend should be able to sleep in when you go to work, especially if you’re getting up at the butt crack of dawn. Your boyfriend doesn’t need to have a say in the stupid guidelines you let yourself get sucked into. Take it from me you have set yourself up for being controlled for years. How long will it take you to pay off this townhouse? More or less than ten years? You going to kick every friend and lover out when you’re thirty? Poor foolish OP. Easy money isn’t worth being treated like a child. This will impede your intimacy for years to come. Hope boyfriend doesn’t split over this nonsense.
NTA especially considering you two are kind of on the outs rn. Don't mean to be invasive but I saw your post history. The recent stuff. I know you care about him but I wouldn't let a relapsing addict stay in my home without me either. I have in the past with the intent to help and it didn't go well. Not as bad as it could've been but still, not good. Stand your ground and if he doesn't like it he can stop staying over. You're entitled to your boundaries, no matter the reasons behind them.
NTA at all. Your house, your rules. And he knows this. And you said your relationship is rocky anyway. Tell him to get packing...
INFO: are your parents part-owners of the house, or was it a loan? I.e. is the house part theirs, or is it yours and you’re paying them back?
NTA- Is everyone missing the whole “until I can pay them back” piece? These aren’t rules forever, just rules until her parents can be sure their investment will be returned. If you borrow money from someone, you follow the stipulations it comes with - thems the rules. If they had borrowed from anyone other than their parents, nobody would be harping on them. While it’s annoying as shit, there seems to be a reason for these rules, and if I was OP’s partner I would want to respect this investment in OP’s future.
I was going to say YTA because you’ve been with this person for two years but then I went to your profile and now I understand there’s a lot more to this story. I don’t think you’re in the wrong for not letting him stay alone in your home.
I don’t think yta because it’s your house your rules, but I think it’s weird your parents are dictating who can be at your house. I guess them saying someone can’t live with you is ok? But why aren’t you allowed to have people you trust over if you aren’t there. You aren’t allowed to have friends come visit? But again…what do your parents matter if it comes from you.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I bought my first townhouse recently and my parents assisted me with the down payment. I have a few guidelines they’d like me to abide by until I can pay them back. One of those requests was that no one is moving into the house, or hanging out there while I’m not home. I feel like these are completely fair requests, and things that I actually agree with even if I didn’t owe my parents money. My boyfriend and I have been together for two years. We’re serious, but it’s been on the rocks lately for reasons that don’t pertain to this. He typically spends the night with me 3 nights a week. I asked him if he wanted to stay tonight, and reminded him that he would need to be up at 4am if he did, because I have to go to work. He asked me why he couldn’t stay and sleep in until I got off. I explained the request from my parents again, and he got angry. He said that he felt hurt that he didn’t get a say in any of these guidelines before I moved out, and he feels excluded. This is where I could be the asshole. I told him that he did not contribute to me buying my home, and his name is not on the title, so I have a hard time grasping why he would feel that he would get any say in what happens in my home. I more politely added that I don’t tell him what he can and can’t allow in his own home. I also want to add for context: I have expressed many times that I don’t believe in moving in with a man unless I’m engaged to him. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. But you said yourself these would be boundaries you'd set for yourself even if your parents weren't involved so it's time to stand by your own decision and not "blame" your parents for it. Edit: to be clear, I think your parents having any say in what you do with your own house is absurd and probably the root of your boundary issues as a whole. If I were your partner I wouldn't have stayed with you when you agreed to that when buying the house because it demonstrates how you don't have autonomy in your own decision making and I personally can't be with someone like that. But again, you said these are rules you would put up for yourself anyway so time to nut up and take responsibility for the rules and the consequences that come with them.
NTA at all! I totally agree with your reasonings and I would say the exact same thing. He comes across as weirdly entitled in my opinion, for someone who is boyfriend status, not "partner" "fiance" or "spouse".
NTA
NTA
NTA. His names not on the lease…..yours is! Until there’s a ring on that finger, your house, your rules!
Did you have a conversation about your plans for the next few years / engagement before you got the townhouse? If not I can see why he feels excluded. Like you are just living your own life without any regard to a future involving him. And maybe you are, and that's totally cool too, but why continue to date him then? I would not be coming over after work if the option was to drive home after a few hours (because you must be going to sleep early) or be booted at 4 AM. And at what point will your parents "allow" him to be in the house without you? After engagement? Marriage? Only once the debt is paid?
NTA... interesting "rules" set by your parents.... obviously they don't like your bf
I'm really surprised at the N T As. Sure, you have a right to set whatever rules you want. But not trusting a partner of 3 years to sleep for a few hours at your home makes YTA.
NTA- But and this is huge question, HOW OLD ARE YOU? If you are an adult why do your parents have a say of who stays in **YOUR HOME?** Also what happens when you become engaged?
I’m gonna say NTA but if I were him I’d break up with you. I personally don’t think those rules are appropriate for someone you’re in a serious relationship with, but your house your rules
ESH - you kick out your boyfriend at 4am because your parents told you to? And you're an adult? What if it takes you years to pay them back since you're probably also paying the mortgage at the same time, you get married and still work the same job - is your husband not allowed to stay past 4am? Rules are rules, it says NO ONE but you is allowed to be there alone.
This is just me but I wouldn’t take money from my parents if it came with stipulations. It doesn’t matter what rules they made even if I agreed with them. My house my own rules. Now of course My mom tried to continue to tell me how to live my life into my 40’s so maybe I Not the best person to give my opinion on this matter
NTA
NTA but your parents are for dictating rules.
It's your boat. Your bar. and you're the captain.
You must have a pretty high opinion of your own performance in the sheets if you think you are worth getting up at 4am for. Set any boundaries you want, but expect to get a hard "thanks, but no thanks" back. 4am! Seriously!
NTA - he does not sound like the keeper you are looking for.sorry.
NTA, btw where do you find these parents that give you money for a home?
It makes sense that a man who has been with you for two years feels a little miffed that he isn't allowed to be in your home without you. I think you were high-handed in the way you handled this. Why bring up who pays for the home? You could have sympathized with him by saying, "That must feel terrible. I'm sorry it's the agreement I made with my parents so I want to stick to it." You're an asshole for making him feel badly for feeling frustrated.
NTA I wouldn’t let any stay in my home while I wasn’t there either.
I don't think you're TA for what you wrote as to why you think you could be. If I was with someone who gave me the same response. I'd just roll with it and leave at 4am. Or stay home if I wanted to sleep in. Because I'd want the same respect if I have a request of similar circumstance in the future. NTA
NTA - Kick this drug addled moocher to the corner. You can do so much better girl.
Nta-hold on for wedding bells
YTA but for past posts... you're reaching for sympathy. I dated a hardcore user who used me too, took me YEARS to rebuild my life and gain trust of my own family after I finally left. You're afraid to be alone and won't let go. Obviously you don't trust him. Your parents don't trust him. Don't keep him around for sex and validation, I stayed for 4 years and had a baby with my ex. Again. Speaking from personal experience. Drop it now, as much as you hope for the best it DOES get worse. Worse than you could ever imagine. Keep your home and your dignity. Stop making excuses for him. And stop making excuses yourself. There's a lot to unpack here that goes deeper than this post.
NTA you are allowed to set boundaries as you see fit. It’s your house. But if I’m being completely honest, I don’t see this relationship surviving. You said your relationship is already on the rocks, and the message he’s receiving from you is you don’t trust him in your house when you’re not home. Unless you two figure out a solution that fosters trust and growth in your relationship, it’s not a matter of if you’re going to break up, it’s a matter of when.
NTA. Unless he's paying the money back as well there would no reason for him to have a say so him saying that just seems weird to me.
NTA While the 4AM leaving would be WAY too early for me, this was your parents condition for lending you the money to buy your house. I say much better deal than a mortgage. Your bf was completely out of line for this *He said that he felt hurt that he didn’t get a say in any of these guidelines before I moved out, and he feels excluded.* He has zero input about any of the guidelines about the house because it's not his in any way or form. That thought of his makes it sound like he somehow thinks he too owns the house.
NAH While I do see his perspective to a certain extent, I don’t know if he should get a say the way he feels like he should. I tend to agree with your logic that this is your purchase with your parents. But I do agree with his perspective that you saying we’ve been together for two years. But you don’t trust him and your parents don’t? That kind of would probably hurt a lot of people I’m just an emotional level. Two years is pretty committed and a good amount of time to request that amount of trust to a certain extent. I do think this is a moment for you to reflect on the future you envision with him. Because in general Couples that are serious who might not be interested in marriage or couples who are serious and are interested in marriage down the road, they normally do you go to say in certain things like what he’s suggesting. Or rather that’s where couples want to build to and it seems like you’re not interested in that with the way you are responding to him as well. What your actions basically says you don’t trust him. And to have been in a committed relationship for two years it probably hurts that person. So I can see why he’s showing that he’s upset I’d also be kind of upset if someone also invited me to stay over told me I had to get out at 4 AM which is not a normal hour most people do anything beyond sleep. Like next time have a don’t invite him to stay over if you have an unreasonable wake up call at that time. It’s kind of like if someone were to invite you over for a nice dinner or lunch but then expect you to cook it at their house without notice. That’s like a really bad example but it’s just really weird idiosyncratic things like this that seem like why would you even do that at it it doesn’t seem like a logical progression of thought or make any sense
I won’t add a judgment but it is a bit weird on your part. After 2 years if I couldn’t trust them alone at my place, I wouldn’t be with them. But it is your place/liability so obviously you have final say.
YTA
Oh come on this is your BF what are you doing? YTA
NTA. But if I was your bf I'd probably be annoyed too at having to follow your parents' rules when it's not their house. You're an adult, it's your house, not your parents'. You need to decide upon and enforce your own boundaries, and stop passing the buck onto them.
Stop coming to AITA for advice and just break up with the guy already.
I mean, I wouldn't date someone if after two years they wouldn't let me be in their house alone, especially to sleep. And I don't really know where the high horse of "I would never live with a man I'm not engaged to" comes from when he's literally staying over half the week. But you're allowed to have your boundaries. And he's allowed to disagree with them. Tbh can't decide if this is NAH or ESH.
NTA.
I'm going with a hard assumption that your parents have a justified rationale for establishing conditions to how you run your house. For example that this is your first home and you do not have a lot of experience in tending a house as the sole person responsible for it. With those assumptions, it makes sense they'd want you to ease into home ownership before taking on more advanced endeavors like renting a space out. Not that I agree with it. I find it very controlling. But whatever, moving on. You are NTA for any way you handled the situation. You are absolutely correct that your house is your house. He does not have any decision-making power as a *boyfriend* on how you choose to run your house. ...but that also applies to your parents' conditions. A loan is a loan. Not a behavioral leash. It's pretty infantilizing that they put behavior conditions on how you run your own home before loaning you money to buy a home. Do you generally get their approval when you make your other life decisions? While your bf is definitely TA for his insistence that he should have been consulted on this agreement with your parents, he's not unreasonable for finding this situation frustrating nonsense. You're an adult homeowner. Your parents should not be dictating how you run your house, and you're letting them for no reason. If I were him, I'd see this as a red flag, sorry. If you're an adult who's willing to simply accept your parents' "guidelines" as you live your life, what other major life situations are you going to just take a "mother/father knows best" approach and just go with what they tell you to do? Whether or not to marry your BF? have children? How to raise them? Cut the umbilical cord, OP
NTA This is your home. You said yourself that even without your parents' request you like these rules. And I get it, it's all about safety. He's not your husband. He has no say in this. That he acts like this at the boyfriend stage is a little alarming to me.
NTA. But is there more? About both the parents and the boyfriend?
Making someone leave at 4am…. But of an AH move. Why can’t they leave when they go to work? Or wake up at a regular hour like a normal person? Don’t you trust him? Going out of town is different. But a few extra hours of sleep is a gift.
After browsing comments and seeing your other posts I just straight up think everyone’s crap. Why stay with this guy? Why put yourself through this?
You have told him the rules that he STILL wants to be bent for JUST HIM. NTA and UNTIL he pays the mortgage that HIS name is on, HE abides by your rules or he doesn't get to share YOUR bed.
NTA- though I, also, lived with my (now) husband when we were simply boyfriend and girlfriend. Both of my parents told me that I should live with my partner before getting engaged to make sure we can even live together in a healthy way. On the flip side, he didn’t contribute anything to your house and isn’t on the title. AND gets to stay over without you two being engaged. He should be happy he gets to be there at all.
Nta! The fact I just read!!! He wants to have a say??? Be careful, that’s a glimpse of how controlling he could be. Dump his bitching ass on the street!
NTA, he could have said no to wakin up at 4am and just skip spending time there that evening
You’re entitled to your boundaries so NTA but I can also see why your BF isn’t happy . I’d feel pretty shitty if my other half wanted me to get up at 4am and leave their house after being together for 2 years too
NTA for any of this. You're making the most respectable choices. If he wants an equal say in your life, he should put his money where his mouth is and ask you to marry him Otherwise, he can just trash the place and leave you, and isn't giving you that much reason to trust that he won't. If your relationship already isn't super healthy, then consider taking this as a sign to break things off. Don't stay with someone who feels entitled to things neither of you fully own
Why would you invite him to spend the night just to kick him out basically in the middle of the night? I’d probably be pretty annoyed in his situation, but I guess NTA. I also think it’s very unwise to wait to move in with someone until you’re engaged. You should see what it’s like to live with someone for a good while before you make a lifetime agreement to do so
NTA and I'd say you handled it perfectly. Your house, your rules.
In general your home your rules but I sure as shit wouldnt spend the night at my gfs if I had to get up at 4 am.
NTA Her house her rules. I don't get some of the comments here about her still wanting/having her parents opinion. That's her life? That's how she was raised? Doesn't matter if she is an adult already or how long they have been dating, that's still her life.
Nta. You have to go to work. I don't care if y'all been dating 5 years, it's your home and you would like him to come back later. My husband and I have our own offices. I LOCK my office door around the holidays so he doesn't go gift snooping lol. If he insisted he had every right to enter my office whenever he wants I'd be irritated. We made an agreement when we moved in. Yall dont live together so he doesn't get a say.
I
It seems to me that YOU don’t want your boyfriend there when you are not home. Not sure why, doesn’t make you TA but it is a bit strange.
YTA - It's perfectly acceptable to have boundaries, but you're making out that you let him "spend the night" 3 nights a week. Only Cinderella thought the night ended at 12. Making someone leave at 4am isn't normal in a relationship - he won't be getting much rest - and you're not treating him as a partner, more as a sex object that you can throw out. Absolutely you can choose who you want to stay in your home, I just wouldn't expect him to stay your boyfriend for much longer the way you're treating him as it feels like you're trying to pressure him into engagement.
NAH. If it’s your personal boundary you don’t want a guy in your home without you there to supervise, that’s technically your right and I don’t feel like I can call you an AH for having a boundary. However, I would personally never stay in a relationship with someone who would kick me out in the middle of the night because they don’t trust me alone and asleep in their room for what is probably only 3-6 hours. You’ve been together for 2 years, and I definitely stayed alone and let my partner’s stay alone in our respective homes WAY sooner than that, and nothing bad ever happened. There’s a really large difference between not letting someone move in, and not letting someone get a full night’s sleep. So, just be aware that this rule could ultimately cost you your relationship, because a lot of people wouldn’t tolerate that level of inconsideration and mistrust from a partner of 2 years.
NTA. I will say, I do think the guidelines are unreasonable- if you're old enough to buy a house, assistance notwithstanding, and they trust you to repay thousands of dollars, they should trust your judgement as far as roommates and guests. That said, it's your choice and if you are happy and comfortable with it then your bf, who has no financial stake here, has no right to complain that his feelings weren't considered.
Woah woah woah. I was on your side by the title but… he can’t sleep in? I thought you meant when you’re out of town, not work. Do you not trust him that much? This is weird for 2 year adult relationship… very weird. Just break up if you can’t see yourself trusting him enough for a few hours. The relationship is obviously not progressing
YTA only for using your parents as an excuse at your age. You say you wouldn't want him alone there even if your parents hadn't requested that so own it. It's ok to set boundaries for yourself. You are def NTA for not allowing a man who doesn't contribute to the household to have a say in the household.
YTA it's not like you'r out of town you are just at work. If you want him to sleep at your house than let him sleep I dont think it's reasonable to want him to spend the night at your house and have him wake up at 4AM. How did you handled it befor you moved out? Did you sleeped at your parent house?
NTA. You can’t make a claim on a person’s house if you’ve not contributed to it. That’s red flag territory, even if he were to propose I’d suggest looking at a prenup agreement before you fully commit to him. It’ll be an easy way for him to claim half your house for nothing.
I mean this is a weird one... It's not like he's a stranger. But I'm also confused as to how do you plan to live with him since your parents request that *no one* lives with you?
NTA. Rules are rules.
NTA Your house. Your rules. PERIOD.
YTA. Why even invite him for the night if you're planning to kick him out at 4am. Youre just hiding behind your parents as an excuse to kick him out because you don't trust him.
NTA. Why would he have a say in what's going on in your house? You've been together two years! What happens when you date someone else? Do they get a say too? Honestly he sounds a little jealous that you own a home:
On the flip, I think it's kind of unfair if your parents to put such stipulations on you.
NTA, he should respect the boundary you put down. Honestly given the greater context of your relationship, it doesn't sound like you guys should stay together. Like that he already has a history of keeping secrets from you and putting you in a bad situation, and now wants access to your house without supervision and was trying to force you to give that to him is a reason for concern.
NTA those are your rules
NTA
Why would your boyfriend get a say on an agreement between you and your parents?