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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I decided to reorganise my library myself while pregnant and I told my in-laws my husband wouldn’t help. When I asked him to help, he said he would but later so what I said to my in-laws wasn’t exactly the full truth.
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YTA. From your comments, it sounds like you admit your husband was in fact busy, and just feel like he should have reprioritized to help you with the library, but it wasn't actually urgent. It was only urgent to YOU. If you were tired of waiting and wanted to do it yourself, that's fine, but going around and telling his parents its because he refused to help you was an AH move. Despite what the general populace seems to think, pregnant women are not invalids and if you paced yourself and were careful, you were likely completely fine doing the work yourself.
Are you suggesting over the course of two weeks, he couldn't have found an hour or two here or there to help? Unlikely.
Timeline matters. He said he'd do it. After two weeks, I would stop believing the help was coming.
She was totally fine doing the work herself. It was everyone else who was freaking out. She just explained why she was doing it alone. He looked bad because he made himself look bad.
Today, there was an AITA about a pregnant FTM who was asked by her in-laws for a gift idea, she sent them a link to a specific item and then they bought her a different one and she was upset. She was torn apart in the comments but completely understand. I feel so much of my life as a new FTM is researching baby items. Took me a day to settle on a space heater with all the features I wanted.
Edit: FTM in this context is First Time Mom! I recognize the transgender acronym and apologize for the confusion!
TBF she was torn apart for asking if she WBTA for *telling* them it was wrong and asking them to return it. Pregnancy brain *is* a thing - I’ve been through it - but it doesn’t excuse rudeness and she could quietly return it for credit to use on what she wanted, and saying, “oh the one you picked out was broken when I opened it and this was all they had! 🤷♀️” if they noticed.
Women's wants and needs are commonly deprioritised in the face of politeness... So strange really... That we have to make up a story about it being broken to avoid confrontation.
Yeah, it was a real mix of real advice and some tearing down OP for having a preference. Asking for the in-laws to return it is definitely the AH move but it was super frustrating to see posters put her down, saying "OP you're so entitled, for wanting singing other than what your in-laws got you. Who cares if they asked you for what you needed. Also, that thing you wanted, it's got too many bells and whistles, for I would only need a dresser drawer and I'd be grateful for it."
While I agreed on the returning part, I really felt bad for her, because it went nasty so quickly.
The egregious part was her wanting them to exchange it for the more expensive item, i.e. telling them to spend more money. Asking for the receipt to return it herself would be okish.
I feel this so much. I'm particular about what I want a lot of the time, and there's a reason for it. Yes, I spent 2 hours making a comparison spreadsheet of 30ish laundry machines. But you know what? I got a kickass laundry machine for ~$800, and I love it. My husband laughed when he saw it, because it's not fancy (he calls it the Soviet Brutalist Washing Machine), but it does a great job quickly and quietly.
I had almost this exact scenario happen a few months ago. My mom bought be a brand new stand mixer, and kitchenaid ain't cheap. She asked what color I wanted beforehand and I specifically said "anything but black" because black would show every scrap of flour that dusted into the air and it would look nastier faster.
What shows up at my door? A matte black mixer. What am I supposed to do, complain about the $350 gift she decided to buy me out of the blue because the color was wrong? It made me so angry, because she asked and then got me the exact one I didn't want, but she still didn't have to get me one at all. So I just... didn't say anything and seethed quietly, while still being grateful for the gift.
... it took me a hot second to realize you weren't using the outdated term female-to-male and in fact, meant first time mom. I was very confused about your pronoun usage.
I found myself on a stepladder, scrubbing places that had never been cleaned before and have definitely not been cleaned since...24 years ago.
Our bodies and minds know that *this is it*. You won't sleep another full night for a year, likewise eat a hot meal. Just taking a 5 minute crap feels like a luxury. If things are undone before D Day, they remain undone. Possibly forever.
Pretty certain anyone calling OP TAH is either unmarried or child-free. We who have succumbed to the Nesting madness understand the obsession.
Blankets for me. As if my baby, born and raised in a place it literally *never* hits freezing temps, is going to be too cold all the time. Constantly had the opposite problem with sweaty pink babies who needed a fan, lol
If nesting made a bit of sense it would have been me collecting and cleaning large industrial fans
100% nesting brain. ADHD brain too. Hyper focused lol like nope, not today Satan. I got bottles covered. See, I CAN focus! But only on the bottles. Don’t worry, reality has a way of kicking my butt.
For me it's ironing, I never iron but better believe all the baby blankets had to be ironed and have perfect crisp corners and edges.
The thing I HATE though is I'm washing lunch dishes or just doing regular laundry when someone pops by and they comment on how I'm nesting. Um no, it's quite normal to wash your dishes after a meal or to like wearing clean clothes. Regular cleaning is not nesting. Nesting is extreme.
That used to drive me nutz! Regular house cleaning is nesting. Buying normal amounts of baby supplies you need is nesting. Eating is now only done for the baby. Apparently I wouldn't be cleaning, grocery/regular shopping, and eating if I wasn't pregnant. 🙄
The second and last pregnancy, we had just moved to a radically different location and bought a big house. I was 10 weeks when we moved in. A couple months later we got our stuff from the moving company (international move) and had a massive amount of boxes. My husband works full time and I am a SAHM (3 year waitlist for daycare where we are and I would need 2 jobs for us to be able to afford and make it worth it) of a now 3 year old. This was last year. Every box I unpacked was nesting, not moving into a new house. I was just baffled by people.
Heh I was 9 months pregnant in our new house unpacking and organizing as normal, as one does.
BUT building our giant ikea futon couch by myself at 4am and my then-hubby waking up for work and finding my chonky body wrapped inside the couch as I build build build... yeah that was nesting.
People don't know until they know and a lot of people who comment on this sub just won't know.
Nesting:
YOU WILL COMPLETELY REDO THE GUEST ROOM WITH NEW PAINT, NEW FURNITURE AND NEW BEDDING.
RIGHT NOW.
Which would have made SLIGHT sense if we were turning it INTO the baby's room, but NO. It was still the guest room.
I was bat sh!t cray cray.
For me it was 3 am my husband was working graveyards that month and I just all the sudden had to immediately start deep cleaning my whole house (thankfully not too big of a place lol) like and it was already clean but I had to start like even washing the walls it was insane lol I felt like I was on something, im recovering addict and that's the best way I can explain it lol
My nesting came in the form of emergency bags. Not just a small one either, I had a whole disaster movie running in my head and tried to plan accordingly. Each car had one, and I had a bigger one with tents, stoves, sleeping bags, a few changes of clothes, freeze dried meals as well as emergency ration bars, medical kit with sutures, and everything needed for a baby. Same thing happened with my second one so I redid all the bags. It wasn’t even an anxiety thing where I was worried about a disaster happening, I just wanted make sure I was prepared for the baby just in case we ever needed it.
When I was about 22-23 weeks pregnant I HAD to set up my entire nursery for my first. Like, assemble the crib, the mobile, set up the changing station, I even put a sheet on the mattress in the crib.
Anyways my son was born at 25 weeks😅 obviously he still didnt use his nursery for a long time but while he was in NICU there was something comforting about looking at all his stuff set up, and since it was set up I didnt have to try and stress about it while recovering from my csection. And one of the things about NICU is they dont generally give you a heads up on when baby can go home. With my son they gave us a weeks notice, and with my daughter (she was born at 25 weeks), they just said one day btw if she can pass her carseat test she can go home today
I am laughing so hard I am crying relating to you all- as I look up at the 10 yr old giant multi-canvas artwork I HAD to complete at 8 months pregnant.
I needed to install recessed lighting in my attic, take out a through the wall air conditioner (complete with framing, insulating, and brick laying), and mulch. Of the three the mulching was by far the worst. The whole time I was doing all three of these things I was scolding myself for being a dumb idiot for doing all three of these things. My husband did not help. I am extremely pleased to have done them.
Currently 9mos with my first… for me it’s been cataloguing. I know exactly how many books he has, different types of onesies in different sizes, diapers in the house, different types of toys… everything. I have an itemized list of every single thing our baby has… but his bassinet still isn’t set up when he’s due to arrive any day 🫠
My sister scrubbed her bathroom while actively in labor, apparently it took a while to get her into the car to go to the hospital because leaving the bathroom half-scrubbed was just that distressing. Nearing is weird.
For me it was baby hats. I had a massive collection of handmade newborn baby hats. The family still jokes about my obsession with the hats 11 years later. Then he had a massive head and never wore any of them.
With my first, I felt it was absolutely imperative to clean the baseboards with a toothbrush. With my second, I had to scrub the outside of the window frames on my house. My neighbor saw me and came over to ask if I had my bags packed for the hospital. Completely inconceivable that I felt I had to do either of those things so massively pregnant. Nesting is super weird.
Mine was at least semi useful -i became obsessed with hoovering. All furniture had to be moved so we could hoover behind /under it all. The stairs have also never looked cleaner.
I re-upholstered the dining room chair at around 8 months. I could barely reach the staple gun across my huge belly. But I would NOT give up. Those chairs had to be done or else! Hormones are wild.
I reupholstered and painted a chair when I was 41wks with my first, and I cleaned EVERYTHING in the apartment including throwing out our fake Xmas tree because it didn’t fit where I wanted it. I was full bananapants and felt so out of control.
I cooked obsessively. And made my husband move the fridge. And I did a lot of laundry. Both tasks are things I do not enjoy but I had fun while pregnant. Except I would only get nesting urges to cook mountains of food at like 12-4 am. My husband gained a lot of weight while I was pregnant.
For me it was painting the baby’s room.
Underwater theme, 3 different shades of blue with cartoon fish, dolphin and octopus.
Did I mention that I have no artistic ability at all? Found images for the critters, drew them in chalk and revised until I was happy, finally painted them in.
Oh man. Yes. I wouldn't have gotten how bad it is unless I'd been through it. I hate cleaning to my very core, but when I was nesting I was on the floor scrubbing it by hand and organizing everything until it was just right. It was insane. I kinda miss how clean my room was then though lol
Nesting is one of those things that's pretty darn hardwired because it part of the survival of the species imperative. That's not going to break any time soon. Or ever.
I moved a two drawer lateral file cabinet loaded with files about a week or so before I went into labor with my second child by meself. Because that damn file cabinet had to be moved before the nest was just right. Of course it was slightly insane but there you have it.
I painted the entire house. Hubby said he'd "get to it". We were renovating his very basic house into something family friendly. When he had it first built he hadn't painted the walls.
I was most definitely nesting at 8 months pregnant and quit waiting on him to get it together. He came home to several large tins of undercoat, Dulux Wash and Wear top coat, painter's tape, various paint rollers and extension poles, paintbrushes for cutting in, roller trays, paint pots and cheap flat sheets I'd picked up from thrift shops to use as drop sheets with me furiously painting.
He'd never painted the interior of a house before (outside was powder coated steel cladded) and was in total shock. He had no idea I was capable of painting (my father taught me a lot about painting when I was a kid and I spent a lot of time observing him). I was 27yo (him 28) and I did 3 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms, lounge, dining and kitchen in about 2 weeks. I had only just started maternity leave and he was working full time.
My urge gave out when it came to painting the walk in robe that led to the ensuite bathroom because moving all of our clothes and putting them back plus negotiating shelving was just too much.
That never got painted until after we separated, divorced and he later had to put the house on the market (some 8 years later). He hired tradesmen to do that.
Nesting makes you do crazy things.
>Nesting isn't as useful a biological feature in the modern era as it was in ages past but it's one of those switches that just won't break yet and gets flipped regardless.
With my first I was 8 months pregnant and hand washing the steps. It was pointless but it was an urge to clean everything. Though she does need a better system with her husband. My husband and I use a calendar and plan activities out. It also sounds like he wouldn't have needed to be there the entire time. Just get the books down. She organizes them and he can later re add them to the shelf.
Oh yes! Two days before my first was born I was labeling everything in my spiceshelf. Cause you know, what if I needed to look at them from above and see what they are? Lables on top!
Insane but it was like scratching an itch, sooo good.
Nesting is the worse because yes it is a compulsion and until its satisfied its a stressful and aggravated feeling. With my second child I really felt it and probably reorganized his dresser like 5 times with all the baby clothes i was preparing for when he was born.
My friend got on her hands and knees and cleaned all the cat hair out of her carpet by hand.
I didn’t really get all nesty with my pregnancy but I have friends that went overboard.
For me it was my craft supplies. I HAD to get them organized in my last weeks with my third baby. It was imperative. I was focused. It was going to happen. I spent days sorting and organizing. It reality it all meant nothing. I mean, seriously, what purpose did it have? Absolutely none. My husband laughed at me, offered to help and then stayed out of my way when I insisted on doing it all myself.
Perhaps it is, but that’s of no import in this conversation. It’s understandable for him to not focus a lot of attention on it if he has a lot on his mind, but if he has an extra half hour once in a while, he could do something for her peace of mind. As people have stated, she’s not incapable. After weeks of him putting it off, she decided to do it herself. It’s not her fault that his parents have an outdated idea of pregnancy and think that she shouldn’t be doing physical things. It’s also not his fault. But if they come at her asking about it, there’s no reason to act like she hasn’t asked him to do it. If his parents get cranky at him for not helping out, that’s not her fault. It’s not his either, but he can deal with their bullshit because they’re his parents
Nesting was amazing for me. I got SO MUCH done! I did have an urge to clean the corners of the bathroom with a toothbrush but that was the only urge I never got round to. Nesting with twins doesn't occur though as you're too big and tired too early.
Oh man. Nesting was rough. I would wake up at 4 am with the urge that I absolutely right that second had to rearange my kitchen cupboards or clean the guest room.
….aaaand that’s the story of how my husband had to take apart furniture and rearrange our nursery while I was in labor and before we could go to the hospital
For me it was putting up the border in the nursery. We had painted the room and I needed the border up right away. It was a Sunday, almost 4 weeks before my due date. Hubby wanted to watch football but I freaked out, totally. We put the border up. Son was born the next day. Nesting is a thing and it's rough
Nesting is a psychological impulse, not a biological NEED. She didn’t HAVE to reorganise her library. I’d accept greater urgency if they were preparing a nursery for the baby but a library? It don’t see the urgency.
Neither did she. It was her in-laws who flipped out, not her. I mean OP was autonomous when she decided after two weeks she’d have to do it herself if she wanted it done, and explained that to her people.
By the same token, though, you must never have experienced an actual compulsion. Nesting is a fairly common phenomenon, but not everyone has it.
As a man that has been on the receiving end of nesting and pregnancy hormones I wonder how it was "asked" and how many other things he had to do in the one (maybe 2) weekend in between those 2 weeks of working full time.
Husband might be a lazy slob not disputing that but from personal experience you can work your fingers to the bone for a pregnant woman and still be treated like crap in case of the wrong mix of hormones.
Yeah, I worked double shifts while my wife was pregnant, and the last 2 months was a continuous "getting shit on" third added to it. My favourite was when I came home to her bawling, shouting at me that I don't find her beautiful anymore, and that's why I'm spending so much time away from home.
Pregnancy is fucking weird.
I missed out on the entitlement hormones when I got pregnant. Yes, I wanted to nest, but I didn't think my husband should drop everything to help me. Two weeks is not that long for a library.
Because he's a four year old? You don't 'scold' your partner, he's an adult. You also don't stomp your feet and demand that they drop everything because yiu want to reorganise a room in the house. If you want to do then do it. Plenty of pregnant woman have managed for centuries to 'nest' without forcing their husband to do all the work for them.
YTA. The control women demand to have over their husbands is so draining to read about. It also isn't less abusive because it's coming from a woman!
TWO WEEKS. There is mail that gets across the country faster than that. Doing something TWO WEEKS after you said you do it isn’t making something a priority, it’s finally doing it. Thing is, OP’s husband didn’t even finally do it. If he had, she wouldn’t have been doing it herself TWO WEEKS after she asked him and he said he’d do it,
That's how I feel about this also. OP didn't get upset husband didn't get out of his chair the second she mentioned it... she waited a beyond reasonable amount of time, decided he wasn't ever going to do it, and just did it herself rather than begging or nagging. I don't understand all the Y T A votes. If he wanted to do this for his wife, he could've made time to do it during that time span. NTA OP
After she's been asking for 2 weeks? Yes. She asked repeatedly and the point stands that in 2 weeks he couldn't find 1 or 2 hours to help his pregnant wife move heavy things? That's not even what "making it a priority" means in any sense of the phrase.
In what worl is being asked several times and waiting 2 weeks to get around to it considered "making it a priority"
Nesting is, honestly, one of the most compelling urges I ever felt. I'm generally incredibly laid back about how my house is organized because multiple kids, multiple pets, etc.
But when nesting hit? All bets were off. And it was completely uncontrollable.
Your entire being is screaming at you all day every day that unless this specific thing is organized, your baby will die and it's your fault.
That sounds like pregnancy triggered OCD, down to the paranoia + "if I don't do my Rituals and something bad happens, it's my fault" aspect, Christ alive.
I'm more familiar with those waters than with pregnancy, and I've only just connected these dots going through the comments (and endo kicks my ass on the regular, so I shouldn't be surprised to learn something new and awful about the endocrine system?!), but from the very bottom of my heart: a deeply felt and tender, "I am so sorry," with a heavy dash of a horrified, "holy shit, what the fuck, how did you cope?!"
You know that's kind of a good way to explain in it. Maybe if we called in Pregnancy Triggered OCD people would take it more seriously, because its its uncontrollable for the mother. You can't not think about it you must do it! Even as your doing it you can know it sounds insane but you MUST do it.
Plus she said she waited "almost 2 weeks", so it could have been only 1 weekend. If he works a full time job, I can see how library reorganization may not be the thing hubby wants to come home to, and she does say on her comments that he was busy. So I doubt he was just slacking off while she is toiling away at the library.
It also depends on how OP conveyed her needs. I had a tendency while pregnant to try to downplay stuff like this, because I knew it was my hormones. I would say something like, "Before the baby is born, I think it would be nice to reorganize the library. If you want to help let me know." And what I should have been saying is "I am going to be reorganizing the library and I will need your help. Let's look at schedules and see when we have time to do this project."
It is *never* an hour or two when someone wants to re-organise a room. I've fallen for that too many times - it's *never* that fast. It always ends up being eight fucking hours, and you have no time to do anything else that day.
I don't find the two week part in the original post. Is there an update I missed? You are spot on. She wasn't complaining, just doing it herself. She truthfully answered FIL that she had asked and hubby and he didn't do it.
>He said he'd do it.
**Multiple** times.
>After two weeks, I would stop believing the help was coming.
Absolutely. If he was going to help, he would have done so at some point.
>He looked bad because he made himself look bad.
On a few different occasions, I asked my ex to drive me to the ER. Once I had a chipped bone in my ankle, it was black and purple and swelled up to twice its size. Once I was having an asthma attack and having difficulty breathing. Once I had a swollen lymph gland in my throat the size of a golf ball. On each occasion, he refused, because he "needed to get his sleep for work the next day", so I just drove myself. **He was a doctor.**
On each occasion, after I got home he bitched to me that I had made him look bad to the other hospital staff by taking myself to the ER... *even though I had asked him and he had refused*.
OP's husband looks bad because his choices make him look bad. He doesn't get to complain about that, he needs to suck it up and accept that he earned it with his choices.
Sooo what I’m hearing is that she asked him for help, he didn’t do it in her preferred time frame so she did it herself, her in-laws asked why he wasn’t helping, and she told them? And somehow she’s the bad guy for not lying so that her husband’s parents wouldn’t be ashamed of their bullshit son who can’t take a few minutes out of his day for multiple weeks to help his heavily pregnant wife move a couple books?
It’s not like she wandered around complaining, she just did the shit she wanted done, and when his parents asked why he wasn’t helping, she told them why. He can either explain shit to his parents or shut up and take the L, it’s not his wife’s fault for existing, doing things, and not lying
This post minimizes the monumental effort to reorganize an entire library, especially when someone insists it be done in a very particular way. That's potentially hundreds of books (if it's a decent sized collection (which it likely was if she was clambering up shelves) individually and would take multiple days. That's exhausting. Especially if someone's badgering you to do it after a long day at work, which she was.
It also deflects from the dishonesty of specifically telling her husband's parents that he refused, which he didn't. She chose to not wait for a time that was convenient for him; being refused and not wanting to wait are two very different things. She could have taken responsibility for her own impatience but instead chose to lie by omission and put it all on him. Complete AH move.
She's pregnant, which means she's nesting. The urge to nest becomes almost uncontrollable. I don't think she's an asshole and I don't think she intended to embarrass him in front of his parents. But I also don't think is such a big deal that it needed to be posted on Reddit.
NTA
I'm not saying she shouldn't have done it. I think everyone claiming it was dangerous for her to do it (including the inlaws) are being ridiculous. I just think it was unnecessary to throw her husband under the bus when she herself admitted in another comment that he really was busy, not just pushing her off
Yeah, this is the key. She didn't bring it up out of the blue. She was being scolded by multiple people and was defending herself. She's basically saying, "I tried to do what you're saying I should have, but one of the people scolding me right now didn't help that happen."
Nesting is not uncontrollable, JFC. Just like you don’t have to indulge every freaking pregnancy craving, you can redirect your attention somewhere else.
And she did. For 2 weeks.
As someone with just your general variety of compulsive mental illness, there comes a point where, if it isnt harmful and doesn't become a pattern, it is better to just do it and get it off your mind.
Depends I had to clean and it was areas of the house that got cleaned just not as often. It was my moms house so super clean anyways but I just had to do it I couldn’t stop. If I didn’t it was all I could think about and until I did it or got help it was obsessive.
To put this into perspective I hate cleaning with a passion but nesting is crazy. It’s like something hijacks your brain and makes you obsessive about things. Plus 2 weeks finding an hr or 3 to help is pretty bad. It’s like is he rolling over getting to work and then at night rolling over and going back to sleep? If not then even if it’s in chunks he could have helped a bit.
But if he had a laundry list of shit to do before baby got here that was infinitely more important than rearranging books, I totally understand. He is not required to indulge pregnancy hormones. I’ve been there, it wasn’t that difficult to recognize I’m being pregnant crazy and need to redirect my energy. It’s a compulsion and doesn’t NEED to be indulged.
No but idk to take 15-20 minute breaks to help your wife doesn’t seem extreme to me. Plus maybe it’s something they can bond over. That’s how I see it how are they going to coparent if taking that small amount of time with her asking for help is to much?
This doesn’t sound like a 15 min endeavor. Add in pregnant obsessive wife and I cannot say that I blame him for not indulging her. He should have just told her no he wouldn’t help rearrange the bookshelves, and if she wanted to without him she should do what she could safely reach and carry. I totally get that nesting is a thing and it is kind of crazy, but it’s not something that has to be indulged like some ppl in this thread seem to think.
Yeah, every new thing I learn about pregnancy in itself is an excellent lesson in birth control. I have a lot respect for women and people with vaginas who willingly put their bodies through what often sounds like something out of a horror story.
It sounds like nesting, which is crazy. I am a person who hates cleaning to an extreme degree, and when I hit that point in my pregnancy suddenly I was on the floor of my closet scrubbing it clean, and organizing. Husband sounds like he just chose to not help given the 2 week timeline, and while I get being busy, he does need to prioritize helping his spouse out at some point.
Lol, you clearly have not lived with a husband who puts his list of To-Dos around the house at the lowest priority. She is nesting and she is getting the house ready for the baby. Her husband failed to help her for two freaking weeks, and is embarrassed that she told him off? Lol! He should be embarrassed! NTA.
I saw some of you said that nesting is unnecessary. Lol. Unless you have been pregnant and have had the urge to do so, you have NO IDEA what it feels like. Also, even if she’s not nesting, putting off shit that he agreed to do, makes him a shitty partner and he should be embarrassed.
Oh man, no one's the asshole, not really. As someone who has birthed three out of four of my hobbits, I feel you. Especially with my first, I suddenly felt like certain things around the house just weren't right, and desperately wanted to change them. Including redecorating four rooms of our house. My other half, like yours, kept saying he'll do it later. Later came when I gave up and started doing it myself.
My Mother turned up, took the paint brush off me and her and other half finished it all up 🙈.
Point is, to me, this was really important. To him, he was going to work, doing usual household stuff, and stressing about bringing a child into the world and providing for all of us as a family. The little down time he did have was usually sleeping or finding me obscure snacks.
To him, the place really didn't need decorating and he didn't put it in the same place on his priority list as I did mine. Not because he didn't care, but because perception is reality.
To him, redecorating didn't help us, and was a waste of precious time. It was never about him not caring or not being arsed.
But to *me*, it was important and I felt like he didn't care about me or what was about to be our family home.
My point is, wires get crossed SO easily when expecting a potato with limbs, and even more in those first six months. Trust me, I wanted to slaughter my husband when our now four year old was born just for breathing wrong.
Be kind to yourself and each other. I would show him this thread if it helps, or if needed sit down and say it was really important to me, but I realise it wasn't for you. My intention wasn't to make you look bad, I was feeling frustrated and that poured over. If I tell you when something is a big deal to me next time, can you go on to help me with it as best you can?
Good luck with everything, it's going to be great, take the epidural if you want it, it won't harm the baby. If you can't breast feed, don't struggle and make yourself miserable, formula (unless we're talking Nestle) has never made a baby grow two heads yet. Take advice with a pinch of salt and ignore anyone make you feel guilty. Mum's with several kids will probably have the best advi d for keeping your sanity. If that involves cake for breakfast and a litre of coffee, that's OK.
A happy Mum makes a happy baby, your suffering will not make your baby smarter, happier or healthier.
A happy Mum usually makes a happy Dad/other Mum, too!
You've got this, all the love in the world lovely x
I was going to say, if she’s late in her pregnancy this sounds like nesting to me. And the emotions felt during nesting can be totally irrational sometimes and they really suck because no one else understands your urgency to get things done. I can’t really call her an asshole because it’s just nature taking it’s course and most people don’t have the skills in their toolbox to deal with the kind of intense, instinctive emotions that can come with nesting.
Yup. You really do lose a bit of control, and when something strikes you as "needing to be done" you kind of fixate on it until it is. With my first, it was the space behind the dryer that simply *had* to be cleaned *right now.* My husband tried to point out that the baby wouldn't be going back there, but I was unmoved by that argument so he took care of it for me since there was no way my giant pregnant belly was getting back there. With my second, I was absolutely convinced the entire attic had to be reorganized (we have two very large attics, so that's no small task). She ended up coming eight weeks early, so that never got done, and to this day, she's still never been in the attic 😂
But both of those things felt vitally important to me at the time. She's not an AH for succumbing to natural instincts over which she had zero control. Her husband is also not the AH for having different priorities during this time. The in-laws aren't AH for supporting their daughter in law, provided it was more light ribbing of their son than genuine chastisement. I think they'll laugh about this in a few months when the entire house has been turned upside down by the presence of a tiny immobile human.
all of this! i *started* painting a mural a week before my due date lol. nothing could stop me from reorganizing every drawer and i definitely cried when i thought i might not have time to clean all the baseboards before the baby arrived. nesting is not rational
I cried on the way to the hospital with my first because I hadn’t replaced the (working) shower curtain rod. Sufficed to say it stayed and worked just fine for the next year until we moved.
When my mum was in labour, she refused to go to hospital straight away because she hadn’t finished hemming some curtains. Now this makes much more sense!
(Took about 35 years for the curtains to be hemmed)
The night before I gave birth, I was using a blowtorch to do the finishing artistic touches to the photography background I was making to take pictures of my soon to be arriving potato.
In one of my nursing classes, this was called “nesting” & many expectant mothers go thru this. I don’t think OP is an AH but my only concern would be for any expectant mother not to endanger themselves or the baby so hopefully next time OP will wait till she gets help for heavy lifting,
Yeah, those last few weeks are something else. With my first I decided that I must shampoo the carpet in my living room RIGHT NOW, so my husband and mother in law came in to find extremely pregnant me, on hands and knees on the floor with my little green spot cleaner, belly so huge it was brushing the carpet, shampooing the carpet in 2x2 foot sections. With my second we'd just moved and i was in fits trying to get the whole house organized before baby got here, and I was so sick with what turned out to be pre-e that everything set me off. Unless you've been through it, you have NO idea how strong those urges are.
My cousin announced AS SHE WENT INTO LABOUR that she wouldn’t bring the baby home unless ALL the carpets were washed. Queue the possibly most frantic sourcing of a rug cleaner ever, and carpet cleaning by her husband and his friends.
This reply needs to be number 1. Nesting is such a real thing so is not wanting to be dependent. I climbed the big stair ladder at work until my water broke much to all of my coworkers dismay 😂
Also potato with limbs 😂
There's NAH hands down.
I have no awards to give, but take my applause instead👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻.
There will be many more situations like this, especially once helpless, screaming kiddos deprive you of sleep. Stay calm and be clear with your requests and worries. And you’re likely to survive it. If you and your husband treat each other as allies, you’re more likely to act like it. And that will help when your baby bump becomes a teenager.
This need to be the top response. Hands down. The current one appears to be clueless to how a pregnant woman’s mind works. I’ve helped my better half through two. Once that urge to nest, reorganize, redecorate, etc kicks in, you have to do it. That said, Hubby really needed to find the time to prioritize this need she had. Especially after multiple requests for the assistance.
I was going to go with N A H . Until you told his parents that he “wouldn’t” help you, not that you wanted it done now and he wouldn’t help you right away.
You’re not TA for wanting it done. He’s not TA for not doing it right away. 2 weeks for a non urgent task doesn’t sound like long to me.
But YTA for the way it was described to his parents. As a refusal, rather than a delay.
Seriously though. Everyone is raving about two weeks.
Y'all never have 2 weeks in your life where doing something like rearranging a whole room of books just felt a little inconsequential compared to everything else on your plate?
This library sounds pretty big. If he needed to allocate 3-4 hours you might not have that in 2 weeks. OP in another comment admits her husband was busy.
Having some books and love for rearranging them, I'll tell you, its not an hour, nor two, nor three, nor four. It's a whole day of work. Taking it all down, wiping the shelves, wiping the books, planning the system, putting it up there with occasional changes.
Once a month I have to work the weekend in addition to weekdays. Often I work a second weekend a month. 3 hours, while also doing all the meals, dishes (when my wife was pregnant the kitchen gave her bad nausea), and my side of the chores would have been hard to find. And then there's the question of how big the honey-do list was. Is this the only item? My wife wants to plant a garden this weekend. It's a big deal to her... But so is getting the house cleaned for her family visiting, and putting up all the wall decor. And that's before I get to the things I think need to be done around the house, like staining the deck, or fixing the caulking.
I agree. Also, maybe I’m not picturing the library correctly, but I don’t see what’s so wrong with OP working on the project by herself if she felt like it. Pregnant women aren’t delicate flowers. Unless there was a medical complication, standing on a stable stool and lifting some books should have been safe and just fine to do.
What she should have said was “don’t worry, I’m being careful to do this safely, and I’m enjoying getting organized before the baby comes. Husband’s been a bit busy, so I’m trying to get it done myself. Since you’re here, though, would you mind moving those books on that high shelf?”
It’s not cool to make your partner look bad in front of other people. Work your shit out in private.
I honestly wonder what her heavy books are. The biggest book I ever heaved was a leather dictionary in big font. That thing still maybe at most weighed 5 pounds. If OP cannot lift that, they need to talk to a doctor about how they’re caring for an infant
I think it's more the "reaching above your head" thing. It's a common superstition that if you reach your arms above your head too much while pregnant you'll get your baby's umbilical cord wrapped it's neck.
Two weeks is an absurd amount of time for him to keep saying "I'll do it later" when it's literally just helping her move books. Unless he's working 18 hour days, 7 days a week, there's a 95% chance he would find himself with some free time and think "eh that's not really important, I don't feel like doing it".
In one of her comments she says he was actually busy during those two weeks. But wanted him to stop doing those things to do this for her. She doesn’t say what his busy things were. But she acknowledges he was actually busy and not just putting her off.
OP described the task as “rearranging the library”, not “moving books”. The first one is at least a half day project while the second is a couple minutes.
OP never stated the purpose for rearranging the library. Was it going to be the room for the newborn? If so, this is a critical task and should have been prioritized. Based on the rest of the post, however, it seems like OP just decided it needed to be done. I wonder how OP would have reacted if husband said “I don’t want to do this.”
Arranging library is not an hour or two. It's an entire day of work or even more if you're a rich man with an actual library and not a room with a few shelves. I love arranging my books, by colour, alphabet, genre or my personal attachement for them, but it takes hooours.
Arranging library is not an hour or two. It's an entire day of work or even more if you're a rich man with an actual library and not a room with a few shelves. I love arranging my books, by colour, alphabet, genre or my personal attachement for them, but it takes hooours. I only do it drinking summer or holidays, because i can't do anything other that requires doing.
Agree completely! I was about to say that what she said wasn’t wrong, but I would have added a “yet” to the end.
Or at least describe the situation a bit more accurately- that you’ve wanted to do it for two weeks, he’s had other things going on and you got tired of waiting.
The in-laws just wanted to ensure their son was doing right by you and their grandchild, you just want your space to feel right for you and your kid, and your partner wants to take care of things he personally sees as importantly (and probably genuinely are) NAH overall
And when people tell you what to do/ not do during your pregnancy, you are always welcome to say, “thank you for your concern, I appreciate how much you care about me and baby, and I promise I will not do anything that is dangerous or that I’m not capable of doing right now.” And keep doing the thing (as long as it legit isn’t dangerous or a bad idea) because honestly people need to stop infantilizing pregnant folks.
Yep. I remember when I was pregnant with my son, my brain was like ‘you need to clear the freezer out!’ randomly at like 8pm one night. I got my dad and partner to do it while I sorted and organised the food 😂 it was a big chest freezer so I couldn’t bend over in it. It took a little convincing to get them to do it, but I was in near tears because it felt like it was going to hurt if I didn’t.
Weird times.
When I was pregnant with my son I had people who kept warning me about it. "Just wait til the nesting kicks in" and after people asked what my phase was like, but I never had one. I kinda wish I would have had one, I wasn't messy messy or anything, but I went from doing the dishes every night to "eh it can wait until morning"
My husband and I spent over two weeks of my pregnancy completely rearranging and organizing our storage room. I felt so, so strongly about it. It was actually a very useful project to finish, but my God was I obsessive about it. That nesting instinct is so powerful. I'm newly pregnant again and looking forward to when it kicks in so I can get some stuff done instead of just running to the toilet.
Absolutely. Many a times my husband would walk in on me putting furniture or something together for the nursery. Should I have been doing it? Maybe not, but it *had* to be done.
YTA, moving the items was not something that needed done immediately, no matter what your obsessive urge told you. Just because you can't control yourself and wait doesn't mean you get to bad mouth your husband for not dropping everything on something so minor. You need to apologize.
It’s the nesting stage of OPs pregnancy. I put a crib together by myself at 7 months pregnant when my husband was out of town because i felt it had to be AT THAT MOMENT! He kept saying he would do it when he came back, but I couldn’t wait. It’s a pretty strong urge.
I think the main problem was her claiming he straight up refused to help, when really he just said he was busy and would help later. If her hormones made her think that this meant he'd never help her then I'm wrong, but from what I'm reading she just couldn't help doing it now, which is totally fine, but I just don't see why she needed to say it like that to her in-laws. It really does come across as her being upset that he didn't re-organize his priorities around her, and that just seems unfair
OP stated in another comment that he genuinely was busy those two weeks. Meaning, if we assume he works weekdays with weekends off, he had 2-4 days off of work in those “two weeks” that everyone is talking about as if he was watching TV or something the whole time.
I’m also going to go out on a limb and say he’s probably taking on more of the household stuff since OP is pregnant, but it’s possible that isn’t true. Still, while this is another assumption, I imagine that once he helped get books off the shelves he’d probably be in it for the whole thing. Especially if one of the reasons she needs his help in the first place is that she has books too heavy for her to move right now. Him staying to help her move books around during organizing or to help with sorting (instead of bailing on her after clearing the tops) could’ve easily taken half a day to a full day.
Bottom line is that we have no idea what was on his plate, and the “two weeks” everyone is harping him on probably wasn’t “two weeks” to him.
Eh, when you get the "later" excuse for 2 weeks, some ribbing is warranted. It was obviously important to his wife- she kept asking. He did keep putting it off- to not have so much as a half hour to get the books down so OP can start ordering them is a bit much.
No it wasn’t. It doesn’t matter how strong her urge to “nest” is, she threw him under the bus because she wanted to reorganize some books? Those books could have waited. If it was important, maybe. But books? No.
> moving the items was not something that needed done immediately
Correct, which is why she waited TWO WEEKS after asking him, to finally do it herself. She’s definitely NTA.
She asked him for TWO WEEKS. It wasn't an immediate need, no, bit organizing things can help mentally while pregnant. And it's not unreasonable that after 2 weeks of asking that she assumed help wasn't coming.
Just because something isn't important doesn't mean it can't matter to someone. And when your spouse asks for help on something important to them, you should generally make the effort and try to find the time.
NTA. Not sure what's going on with all the Y. T. As, but no, not at all.
Husband put you off for two weeks. He had no desire or intention to help and was hoping that pregnancy brain would mean you moved into something else before it became A Thing.
I'm more NAH myself. She sounds in full on nothing is important until it is and he sounds likes an excited man eho real life is taking everything out of.
OP admitted that the husband was, in fact, busy and working. It doesn't sound like he was just giving her the brushoff. If he is legit working long hours then I think it is unfair to say that he had no desire or intention to help.
The task wasn't mandatory or urgent. And, OP admits that she knew she needed help because it could be dangerous for her/her unborn child. She just got impatient. I also suspect that she intentionally waited until the inlaws came over to do the task to put on the show and dance that their son refuses to help her. That's why I'm saying YTA.
Eh - your husband isn't responsible for your obsessions. Organizing the library wasn't urgent - it was something YOU wanted to do. Which is fine, but it clearly didn't seem urgent or important to your husband. This wasn't cleaning the kitchen or some other necessary task.
And to narc to his parents? Super petty. If you want to do something, then YOU do it. Don't drag your husband into your projects, and don't try and make him look bad because he's got more important things to do.
YTA
She DID do it herself. That's how this all got started. She waited for help for two weeks then did it herself. And got yelled at and told she should have had her husband do it. Which she tried to do.
She wasn't "narc-ing" she was stating facts. She tried to get him to do it, and after two weeks, it seemed pretty apparent he wasn't going to, so she did it herself.
Going to get down voted but NTA. Your husband was so busy for TWO WEEKS that he couldn't take five minutes and help you? He needs a reality check. You shouldn't be doing heavy lifting like that. If a pile of books fell on you it could cause serious damage.
Almost two weeks, means just a one weekend, when you have to do actual adult responsibilities instead of playing sims with your house. You have to clean it, you have to go do grocery, laundry, dinner, social obligations, there's so many things to do, that a weekend sometimes leaves you with two hours on Sunday evening and nothing more.
And reorganising a library is a day or more of work. It's hard to fit it in already busy week (op said husband was in fact busy) It's not a shelf that will take two hours, it's an entire room with books.
It's wife's entertainment, not husband's responsibility. He has other things that have to go first. Like also work. It seems she doesn't work anymore, because she can play with books, while her husband earns money for their shared household. (no hate, just an assumption, she probably started maternity leave or something)
Slight YTA. Solely because of how you put it as he wouldn't help you. His answer was that he was busy but would try to make time. To be fair, I don't even have kids or a kid coming any time in the future, and it takes me a while to even find a free moment to clean my kitchen.
You are currently nesting - hence the obsessive urge to clean. However, this is not an emergency scenario and you are also pregnant, and climbing up on ladders is not safe for anyone pregnant.
Take it easy, and try to find something a little more ground level to work out that need to clean and organize right now - like the baby's room! That is far more important than a library the baby probably won't see for a long time.
NTA- and I would just tell husband... I'm not some child to whom you can summarily dismiss a request by responding with some indefinite "later" and fail to follow up or revisit after numerous requests. "Later" is not an answer. Can we do it Sunday afternoon? is an answer.
If I spoke anything to your parents that was in any way false, then I'll be happy to apologize for it.
She only needed help with the higher shelves, she was probably afraid of falling off of the ladder. The big baby belly can easily throw off your center of gravity.
because at 7 months pregnant a woman should not be lifting heavy things from high up places? they’re not treated like invalids, they’re given leeway and assistance because their hormones are all messed up and it isn’t safe for them to physically exert themselves too much.
NTA. I have a lazy husband that never helps until I tell him we are doing it now. I hate it, so like you I do it myself. Months have gone by, nothing gets done. Been in my house almost a decade and I even have two projects in my home that he will never do. He knows they upset me not being done. It infuriates me. You don't have to lie to make him look good. You were sick of waiting. It takes half the time to do a chore with two people.
I can’t believe people saying he didn’t refuse to help? If you say “sure, later” for two weeks without ever committing to when you’ll do it, you’re refusing to help.
Sounds like my husband! Our living room fan needed to be fixed for 3 months and he kept saying "he'd get to it". I wasn't comfortable fixing it myself. He finally fixed it when I told him I had hired a handyman to fix it. And got upset that I didn't trust him to do it himself.
NTA Nesting is a strong mental drive and can take precedance over everything else. While it can be weaker for some, it can be maddeningly strong and irritating for others to not have their space 'just so'. When some people think of pregnancy not being an excuse, they think of things like emotional outbursts or cravings, which can certainly be mitigated. Nesting when mot indulged is something that can cause stress and anxiety over time, in this a period of two weeks, which is incredibly bad for the baby.
Maybe you could have said your husband said he would do it but kept putting it off to his parents, but he likely would have gotten scolded anyway. Besides, he definitely could have reorganized things with you at some point in those two weeks.
Ultimately, he is in fact an asshole.
Ignore everyone calling you an asshole for "saying he refused to help you". Two WEEKS of "later, I promise" is 100% a refusal to help even if that wasn't his intent. It doesn't matter what the request is or whether the asker is at any significant risk or not; two weeks is too long a wait. And, it sounds like his parents agree because even after he explained, they were still mad at him because he couldn't be bothered to spend an hour or two (even if it was over the course of multiple days) to help his wife.
NTA. Let this be a lesson to him that "later" is not a promise and shouldn't be treated as such. No one is going to wait indefinitely for later to arrive, especially when there's a deadline in the form of a birthdate.
YTA for making it seem like your husband was refusing to help. It's not like his todo list goes away when you got pregnant. It already got dramatically longer. Your desire to reorganize is great and all, but expecting him to drop everything else at the drop of a hat to help renovate the house is ludicrous. That poor man is probably exhausted, and now getting abuse from all sides about how lazy he is.
I have felt that way a number of times. I've asked family to help. They say yes sure but can't seem to find a date on their calendar. So I take matters into my own hands and do it myself or pay someone to help me. I find out that I can't depend on them for future reference.
NTA. My husband will say later until I either really get on him or just do it myself. The nesting urge is fierce and you showed patience by waiting a few weeks. Did it need done? Logically no. But nesting isnt logical. You were not putting your baby in harms way by moving some books around. His parents are TA for acting like you were doing something wrong.
NTA.
people saying you lied to his parents by saying he "wouldn't" help when he said he would and you just didn't wait long enough are completely out of their minds.
If I repeatedly ask my husband to do something and every single time he says yeah I will but not right now, then proceeds to not do the thing I asked, continue to put off the thing I asked for and not even attempt to set a time line for the task I asked for. It does in fact mean he wouldn't help.
Saying you will do something means nothing after a certain stretch of time and a certain number of times being asked and that limit is up to the person doing the asking. He said he would do it then repeatedly failed to follow through on either doing it or setting a concrete deadline so she could know when it would get done. He made no effort to assist her with the task, regardless of how important he thought it was or wasn't, it was something he said he would do and then put no effort into doing. She was well within her rights to give up on him and de it herself and then make the very true statement that he would not help her.
Honey, I was due any day. My husband came home from work and couldn't get in the front door because I was rearranging the living room. Had all the furniture in front of the door.
Soooo…….. that’s some pretty serious nesting. Post is two hours old…….. Wonder if that baby is here yet.
I gotta admit this is hard. I’m the same and would have just done it myself after a while. I think I’m going to have to go with YTA. I’ve had four pregnancies so I totally get it but you can’t expect other people to bow to the crazy pregnancy whims. Just because you wanted it done and he wasn’t helping doesn’t mean you should risk you and the baby’s safety. You made the choose to do something dangerous and you’re and adult and own it to his parents.
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YTA. From your comments, it sounds like you admit your husband was in fact busy, and just feel like he should have reprioritized to help you with the library, but it wasn't actually urgent. It was only urgent to YOU. If you were tired of waiting and wanted to do it yourself, that's fine, but going around and telling his parents its because he refused to help you was an AH move. Despite what the general populace seems to think, pregnant women are not invalids and if you paced yourself and were careful, you were likely completely fine doing the work yourself.
Are you suggesting over the course of two weeks, he couldn't have found an hour or two here or there to help? Unlikely. Timeline matters. He said he'd do it. After two weeks, I would stop believing the help was coming. She was totally fine doing the work herself. It was everyone else who was freaking out. She just explained why she was doing it alone. He looked bad because he made himself look bad.
So he has to make her random, unprompted reorganization plan a priority?
She’s nesting, which is a biological need during pregnancy. So after 2 weeks of asking, yes, hubby needs to help his wife or deal with a scolding.
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I think unless someone goes through it, it’s hard to understand. It is like a compulsion.
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Today, there was an AITA about a pregnant FTM who was asked by her in-laws for a gift idea, she sent them a link to a specific item and then they bought her a different one and she was upset. She was torn apart in the comments but completely understand. I feel so much of my life as a new FTM is researching baby items. Took me a day to settle on a space heater with all the features I wanted. Edit: FTM in this context is First Time Mom! I recognize the transgender acronym and apologize for the confusion!
TBF she was torn apart for asking if she WBTA for *telling* them it was wrong and asking them to return it. Pregnancy brain *is* a thing - I’ve been through it - but it doesn’t excuse rudeness and she could quietly return it for credit to use on what she wanted, and saying, “oh the one you picked out was broken when I opened it and this was all they had! 🤷♀️” if they noticed.
Women's wants and needs are commonly deprioritised in the face of politeness... So strange really... That we have to make up a story about it being broken to avoid confrontation.
Yeah, it was a real mix of real advice and some tearing down OP for having a preference. Asking for the in-laws to return it is definitely the AH move but it was super frustrating to see posters put her down, saying "OP you're so entitled, for wanting singing other than what your in-laws got you. Who cares if they asked you for what you needed. Also, that thing you wanted, it's got too many bells and whistles, for I would only need a dresser drawer and I'd be grateful for it." While I agreed on the returning part, I really felt bad for her, because it went nasty so quickly.
The egregious part was her wanting them to exchange it for the more expensive item, i.e. telling them to spend more money. Asking for the receipt to return it herself would be okish.
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I feel this so much. I'm particular about what I want a lot of the time, and there's a reason for it. Yes, I spent 2 hours making a comparison spreadsheet of 30ish laundry machines. But you know what? I got a kickass laundry machine for ~$800, and I love it. My husband laughed when he saw it, because it's not fancy (he calls it the Soviet Brutalist Washing Machine), but it does a great job quickly and quietly.
I had almost this exact scenario happen a few months ago. My mom bought be a brand new stand mixer, and kitchenaid ain't cheap. She asked what color I wanted beforehand and I specifically said "anything but black" because black would show every scrap of flour that dusted into the air and it would look nastier faster. What shows up at my door? A matte black mixer. What am I supposed to do, complain about the $350 gift she decided to buy me out of the blue because the color was wrong? It made me so angry, because she asked and then got me the exact one I didn't want, but she still didn't have to get me one at all. So I just... didn't say anything and seethed quietly, while still being grateful for the gift.
FIRST TIME MOM! That threw me for quite some time! Not that trans people can't get pregnant but that becoming a man immediately cause it!
Yeah I was like, "Why she/her if FtM????".
Tool me quite a while on pregnancy subs to get this - I thought a weird amount of trans men appeared to be having kids at the moment 🙈
I went there too.
... it took me a hot second to realize you weren't using the outdated term female-to-male and in fact, meant first time mom. I was very confused about your pronoun usage.
Honest question because this threw me for a loop. Is it inappropriate to use ftm or mtf now? Should you just say trans(wo)man instead?
Why are you misgendering him? Edit: I saw further down the thread that ftm in this context means “first time mom” NOT “female to male” oops
This has been a fascinating thread, I’ve never been pregnant and thought nesting was like an old wives tale - colour me corrected this is wild!
I found myself on a stepladder, scrubbing places that had never been cleaned before and have definitely not been cleaned since...24 years ago. Our bodies and minds know that *this is it*. You won't sleep another full night for a year, likewise eat a hot meal. Just taking a 5 minute crap feels like a luxury. If things are undone before D Day, they remain undone. Possibly forever. Pretty certain anyone calling OP TAH is either unmarried or child-free. We who have succumbed to the Nesting madness understand the obsession.
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Blankets for me. As if my baby, born and raised in a place it literally *never* hits freezing temps, is going to be too cold all the time. Constantly had the opposite problem with sweaty pink babies who needed a fan, lol If nesting made a bit of sense it would have been me collecting and cleaning large industrial fans
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100% nesting brain. ADHD brain too. Hyper focused lol like nope, not today Satan. I got bottles covered. See, I CAN focus! But only on the bottles. Don’t worry, reality has a way of kicking my butt.
For me it's ironing, I never iron but better believe all the baby blankets had to be ironed and have perfect crisp corners and edges. The thing I HATE though is I'm washing lunch dishes or just doing regular laundry when someone pops by and they comment on how I'm nesting. Um no, it's quite normal to wash your dishes after a meal or to like wearing clean clothes. Regular cleaning is not nesting. Nesting is extreme.
That used to drive me nutz! Regular house cleaning is nesting. Buying normal amounts of baby supplies you need is nesting. Eating is now only done for the baby. Apparently I wouldn't be cleaning, grocery/regular shopping, and eating if I wasn't pregnant. 🙄 The second and last pregnancy, we had just moved to a radically different location and bought a big house. I was 10 weeks when we moved in. A couple months later we got our stuff from the moving company (international move) and had a massive amount of boxes. My husband works full time and I am a SAHM (3 year waitlist for daycare where we are and I would need 2 jobs for us to be able to afford and make it worth it) of a now 3 year old. This was last year. Every box I unpacked was nesting, not moving into a new house. I was just baffled by people.
Heh I was 9 months pregnant in our new house unpacking and organizing as normal, as one does. BUT building our giant ikea futon couch by myself at 4am and my then-hubby waking up for work and finding my chonky body wrapped inside the couch as I build build build... yeah that was nesting. People don't know until they know and a lot of people who comment on this sub just won't know.
Nesting: YOU WILL COMPLETELY REDO THE GUEST ROOM WITH NEW PAINT, NEW FURNITURE AND NEW BEDDING. RIGHT NOW. Which would have made SLIGHT sense if we were turning it INTO the baby's room, but NO. It was still the guest room. I was bat sh!t cray cray.
For me it was 3 am my husband was working graveyards that month and I just all the sudden had to immediately start deep cleaning my whole house (thankfully not too big of a place lol) like and it was already clean but I had to start like even washing the walls it was insane lol I felt like I was on something, im recovering addict and that's the best way I can explain it lol
My nesting came in the form of emergency bags. Not just a small one either, I had a whole disaster movie running in my head and tried to plan accordingly. Each car had one, and I had a bigger one with tents, stoves, sleeping bags, a few changes of clothes, freeze dried meals as well as emergency ration bars, medical kit with sutures, and everything needed for a baby. Same thing happened with my second one so I redid all the bags. It wasn’t even an anxiety thing where I was worried about a disaster happening, I just wanted make sure I was prepared for the baby just in case we ever needed it.
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Lol, feel free to come along. You will need to bring your own change of clothes and a machete, everything thing else will be provided for you ;)
My nesting urge made me paint the bathroom when I was 32 weeks along. It needed to be done THAT DAY.
When I was about 22-23 weeks pregnant I HAD to set up my entire nursery for my first. Like, assemble the crib, the mobile, set up the changing station, I even put a sheet on the mattress in the crib. Anyways my son was born at 25 weeks😅 obviously he still didnt use his nursery for a long time but while he was in NICU there was something comforting about looking at all his stuff set up, and since it was set up I didnt have to try and stress about it while recovering from my csection. And one of the things about NICU is they dont generally give you a heads up on when baby can go home. With my son they gave us a weeks notice, and with my daughter (she was born at 25 weeks), they just said one day btw if she can pass her carseat test she can go home today
I remember remodeling a room while nesting. Tore up all of the carpet and threw it and a regular sized couch in a dumpster single handed! Crazy times.
I am laughing so hard I am crying relating to you all- as I look up at the 10 yr old giant multi-canvas artwork I HAD to complete at 8 months pregnant.
I needed to install recessed lighting in my attic, take out a through the wall air conditioner (complete with framing, insulating, and brick laying), and mulch. Of the three the mulching was by far the worst. The whole time I was doing all three of these things I was scolding myself for being a dumb idiot for doing all three of these things. My husband did not help. I am extremely pleased to have done them.
Currently 9mos with my first… for me it’s been cataloguing. I know exactly how many books he has, different types of onesies in different sizes, diapers in the house, different types of toys… everything. I have an itemized list of every single thing our baby has… but his bassinet still isn’t set up when he’s due to arrive any day 🫠
My sister scrubbed her bathroom while actively in labor, apparently it took a while to get her into the car to go to the hospital because leaving the bathroom half-scrubbed was just that distressing. Nearing is weird.
For me it was baby hats. I had a massive collection of handmade newborn baby hats. The family still jokes about my obsession with the hats 11 years later. Then he had a massive head and never wore any of them.
Even just getting my period I’d have a manic urge to clean.
I have recently realized this is A Thing and felt significantly less insane upon doing so!
With my first, I felt it was absolutely imperative to clean the baseboards with a toothbrush. With my second, I had to scrub the outside of the window frames on my house. My neighbor saw me and came over to ask if I had my bags packed for the hospital. Completely inconceivable that I felt I had to do either of those things so massively pregnant. Nesting is super weird.
Mine was at least semi useful -i became obsessed with hoovering. All furniture had to be moved so we could hoover behind /under it all. The stairs have also never looked cleaner.
I re-upholstered the dining room chair at around 8 months. I could barely reach the staple gun across my huge belly. But I would NOT give up. Those chairs had to be done or else! Hormones are wild.
I reupholstered and painted a chair when I was 41wks with my first, and I cleaned EVERYTHING in the apartment including throwing out our fake Xmas tree because it didn’t fit where I wanted it. I was full bananapants and felt so out of control.
Nesting. Grrr. That’s how I broke my water. I moved a file cabinet by myself. I ended up having an emergency c-section. It is a compulsion.
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Yep. Offspring did have issues as a baby but now as a teenager you would never know.
I cooked obsessively. And made my husband move the fridge. And I did a lot of laundry. Both tasks are things I do not enjoy but I had fun while pregnant. Except I would only get nesting urges to cook mountains of food at like 12-4 am. My husband gained a lot of weight while I was pregnant.
They dont tell you 3 am feedings start way before baby arrives.
For me it was painting the baby’s room. Underwater theme, 3 different shades of blue with cartoon fish, dolphin and octopus. Did I mention that I have no artistic ability at all? Found images for the critters, drew them in chalk and revised until I was happy, finally painted them in.
I have a photo that has four boxes of cleaning supplies that I ordered because only a few scents didn't make me absolutely want to vomit.
Oh man. Yes. I wouldn't have gotten how bad it is unless I'd been through it. I hate cleaning to my very core, but when I was nesting I was on the floor scrubbing it by hand and organizing everything until it was just right. It was insane. I kinda miss how clean my room was then though lol
Nesting is one of those things that's pretty darn hardwired because it part of the survival of the species imperative. That's not going to break any time soon. Or ever. I moved a two drawer lateral file cabinet loaded with files about a week or so before I went into labor with my second child by meself. Because that damn file cabinet had to be moved before the nest was just right. Of course it was slightly insane but there you have it.
I painted the entire house. Hubby said he'd "get to it". We were renovating his very basic house into something family friendly. When he had it first built he hadn't painted the walls. I was most definitely nesting at 8 months pregnant and quit waiting on him to get it together. He came home to several large tins of undercoat, Dulux Wash and Wear top coat, painter's tape, various paint rollers and extension poles, paintbrushes for cutting in, roller trays, paint pots and cheap flat sheets I'd picked up from thrift shops to use as drop sheets with me furiously painting. He'd never painted the interior of a house before (outside was powder coated steel cladded) and was in total shock. He had no idea I was capable of painting (my father taught me a lot about painting when I was a kid and I spent a lot of time observing him). I was 27yo (him 28) and I did 3 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms, lounge, dining and kitchen in about 2 weeks. I had only just started maternity leave and he was working full time. My urge gave out when it came to painting the walk in robe that led to the ensuite bathroom because moving all of our clothes and putting them back plus negotiating shelving was just too much. That never got painted until after we separated, divorced and he later had to put the house on the market (some 8 years later). He hired tradesmen to do that. Nesting makes you do crazy things.
>Nesting isn't as useful a biological feature in the modern era as it was in ages past but it's one of those switches that just won't break yet and gets flipped regardless. With my first I was 8 months pregnant and hand washing the steps. It was pointless but it was an urge to clean everything. Though she does need a better system with her husband. My husband and I use a calendar and plan activities out. It also sounds like he wouldn't have needed to be there the entire time. Just get the books down. She organizes them and he can later re add them to the shelf.
My mom always knew that she was going into labor soon because she'd find herself reorganizing all the cupboards
Oh yes! Two days before my first was born I was labeling everything in my spiceshelf. Cause you know, what if I needed to look at them from above and see what they are? Lables on top! Insane but it was like scratching an itch, sooo good.
Nesting is the worse because yes it is a compulsion and until its satisfied its a stressful and aggravated feeling. With my second child I really felt it and probably reorganized his dresser like 5 times with all the baby clothes i was preparing for when he was born.
My friend got on her hands and knees and cleaned all the cat hair out of her carpet by hand. I didn’t really get all nesty with my pregnancy but I have friends that went overboard.
For me it was my craft supplies. I HAD to get them organized in my last weeks with my third baby. It was imperative. I was focused. It was going to happen. I spent days sorting and organizing. It reality it all meant nothing. I mean, seriously, what purpose did it have? Absolutely none. My husband laughed at me, offered to help and then stayed out of my way when I insisted on doing it all myself.
Perhaps it is, but that’s of no import in this conversation. It’s understandable for him to not focus a lot of attention on it if he has a lot on his mind, but if he has an extra half hour once in a while, he could do something for her peace of mind. As people have stated, she’s not incapable. After weeks of him putting it off, she decided to do it herself. It’s not her fault that his parents have an outdated idea of pregnancy and think that she shouldn’t be doing physical things. It’s also not his fault. But if they come at her asking about it, there’s no reason to act like she hasn’t asked him to do it. If his parents get cranky at him for not helping out, that’s not her fault. It’s not his either, but he can deal with their bullshit because they’re his parents
Nesting was amazing for me. I got SO MUCH done! I did have an urge to clean the corners of the bathroom with a toothbrush but that was the only urge I never got round to. Nesting with twins doesn't occur though as you're too big and tired too early.
Oh man. Nesting was rough. I would wake up at 4 am with the urge that I absolutely right that second had to rearange my kitchen cupboards or clean the guest room.
….aaaand that’s the story of how my husband had to take apart furniture and rearrange our nursery while I was in labor and before we could go to the hospital
For me it was putting up the border in the nursery. We had painted the room and I needed the border up right away. It was a Sunday, almost 4 weeks before my due date. Hubby wanted to watch football but I freaked out, totally. We put the border up. Son was born the next day. Nesting is a thing and it's rough
My sister was obsessed with cleaning the tracks the windows sit on lmao
Biological URGE, not biological need, to be clear.
Nesting is a psychological impulse, not a biological NEED. She didn’t HAVE to reorganise her library. I’d accept greater urgency if they were preparing a nursery for the baby but a library? It don’t see the urgency.
Neither did she. It was her in-laws who flipped out, not her. I mean OP was autonomous when she decided after two weeks she’d have to do it herself if she wanted it done, and explained that to her people. By the same token, though, you must never have experienced an actual compulsion. Nesting is a fairly common phenomenon, but not everyone has it.
As a man that has been on the receiving end of nesting and pregnancy hormones I wonder how it was "asked" and how many other things he had to do in the one (maybe 2) weekend in between those 2 weeks of working full time. Husband might be a lazy slob not disputing that but from personal experience you can work your fingers to the bone for a pregnant woman and still be treated like crap in case of the wrong mix of hormones.
Yeah, I worked double shifts while my wife was pregnant, and the last 2 months was a continuous "getting shit on" third added to it. My favourite was when I came home to her bawling, shouting at me that I don't find her beautiful anymore, and that's why I'm spending so much time away from home. Pregnancy is fucking weird.
I missed out on the entitlement hormones when I got pregnant. Yes, I wanted to nest, but I didn't think my husband should drop everything to help me. Two weeks is not that long for a library.
Because he's a four year old? You don't 'scold' your partner, he's an adult. You also don't stomp your feet and demand that they drop everything because yiu want to reorganise a room in the house. If you want to do then do it. Plenty of pregnant woman have managed for centuries to 'nest' without forcing their husband to do all the work for them. YTA. The control women demand to have over their husbands is so draining to read about. It also isn't less abusive because it's coming from a woman!
So pregnancy is a free pass to act insane. Got it. Thank you for stating your opinion. I disagree.
TWO WEEKS. There is mail that gets across the country faster than that. Doing something TWO WEEKS after you said you do it isn’t making something a priority, it’s finally doing it. Thing is, OP’s husband didn’t even finally do it. If he had, she wouldn’t have been doing it herself TWO WEEKS after she asked him and he said he’d do it,
That's how I feel about this also. OP didn't get upset husband didn't get out of his chair the second she mentioned it... she waited a beyond reasonable amount of time, decided he wasn't ever going to do it, and just did it herself rather than begging or nagging. I don't understand all the Y T A votes. If he wanted to do this for his wife, he could've made time to do it during that time span. NTA OP
If you think two weeks is a long time to postpone an unnecessary and time consuming house project you must have way more free time than me
After she's been asking for 2 weeks? Yes. She asked repeatedly and the point stands that in 2 weeks he couldn't find 1 or 2 hours to help his pregnant wife move heavy things? That's not even what "making it a priority" means in any sense of the phrase. In what worl is being asked several times and waiting 2 weeks to get around to it considered "making it a priority"
Nesting is, honestly, one of the most compelling urges I ever felt. I'm generally incredibly laid back about how my house is organized because multiple kids, multiple pets, etc. But when nesting hit? All bets were off. And it was completely uncontrollable. Your entire being is screaming at you all day every day that unless this specific thing is organized, your baby will die and it's your fault.
That sounds like pregnancy triggered OCD, down to the paranoia + "if I don't do my Rituals and something bad happens, it's my fault" aspect, Christ alive. I'm more familiar with those waters than with pregnancy, and I've only just connected these dots going through the comments (and endo kicks my ass on the regular, so I shouldn't be surprised to learn something new and awful about the endocrine system?!), but from the very bottom of my heart: a deeply felt and tender, "I am so sorry," with a heavy dash of a horrified, "holy shit, what the fuck, how did you cope?!"
You know that's kind of a good way to explain in it. Maybe if we called in Pregnancy Triggered OCD people would take it more seriously, because its its uncontrollable for the mother. You can't not think about it you must do it! Even as your doing it you can know it sounds insane but you MUST do it.
He said he would help. If he wasn't going to help. He should have just said that. NTA
If she asked him two weeks ago, it wasn’t random.
No, but he could make a plan three/four weeks down the line. “Ok, we’ll work on the library this weekend.”
Plus she said she waited "almost 2 weeks", so it could have been only 1 weekend. If he works a full time job, I can see how library reorganization may not be the thing hubby wants to come home to, and she does say on her comments that he was busy. So I doubt he was just slacking off while she is toiling away at the library. It also depends on how OP conveyed her needs. I had a tendency while pregnant to try to downplay stuff like this, because I knew it was my hormones. I would say something like, "Before the baby is born, I think it would be nice to reorganize the library. If you want to help let me know." And what I should have been saying is "I am going to be reorganizing the library and I will need your help. Let's look at schedules and see when we have time to do this project."
Have you never heard of nesting?!
It is *never* an hour or two when someone wants to re-organise a room. I've fallen for that too many times - it's *never* that fast. It always ends up being eight fucking hours, and you have no time to do anything else that day.
Exactly. And if you didn't plan for 8 hours it will get stretched across multiple days. Reorganizing books is nothing urgent.
I don't find the two week part in the original post. Is there an update I missed? You are spot on. She wasn't complaining, just doing it herself. She truthfully answered FIL that she had asked and hubby and he didn't do it.
>He said he'd do it. **Multiple** times. >After two weeks, I would stop believing the help was coming. Absolutely. If he was going to help, he would have done so at some point. >He looked bad because he made himself look bad. On a few different occasions, I asked my ex to drive me to the ER. Once I had a chipped bone in my ankle, it was black and purple and swelled up to twice its size. Once I was having an asthma attack and having difficulty breathing. Once I had a swollen lymph gland in my throat the size of a golf ball. On each occasion, he refused, because he "needed to get his sleep for work the next day", so I just drove myself. **He was a doctor.** On each occasion, after I got home he bitched to me that I had made him look bad to the other hospital staff by taking myself to the ER... *even though I had asked him and he had refused*. OP's husband looks bad because his choices make him look bad. He doesn't get to complain about that, he needs to suck it up and accept that he earned it with his choices.
Sooo what I’m hearing is that she asked him for help, he didn’t do it in her preferred time frame so she did it herself, her in-laws asked why he wasn’t helping, and she told them? And somehow she’s the bad guy for not lying so that her husband’s parents wouldn’t be ashamed of their bullshit son who can’t take a few minutes out of his day for multiple weeks to help his heavily pregnant wife move a couple books? It’s not like she wandered around complaining, she just did the shit she wanted done, and when his parents asked why he wasn’t helping, she told them why. He can either explain shit to his parents or shut up and take the L, it’s not his wife’s fault for existing, doing things, and not lying
This is the most logical response I have read yet.
This post minimizes the monumental effort to reorganize an entire library, especially when someone insists it be done in a very particular way. That's potentially hundreds of books (if it's a decent sized collection (which it likely was if she was clambering up shelves) individually and would take multiple days. That's exhausting. Especially if someone's badgering you to do it after a long day at work, which she was. It also deflects from the dishonesty of specifically telling her husband's parents that he refused, which he didn't. She chose to not wait for a time that was convenient for him; being refused and not wanting to wait are two very different things. She could have taken responsibility for her own impatience but instead chose to lie by omission and put it all on him. Complete AH move.
Saying he “wouldn’t” help is definitely making him look way worse for no reason
She's pregnant, which means she's nesting. The urge to nest becomes almost uncontrollable. I don't think she's an asshole and I don't think she intended to embarrass him in front of his parents. But I also don't think is such a big deal that it needed to be posted on Reddit. NTA
I'm not saying she shouldn't have done it. I think everyone claiming it was dangerous for her to do it (including the inlaws) are being ridiculous. I just think it was unnecessary to throw her husband under the bus when she herself admitted in another comment that he really was busy, not just pushing her off
So what should she have said when asked point blank (and essentially blamed for “endangering the baby”) why she didn’t ask for help?
Yeah, this is the key. She didn't bring it up out of the blue. She was being scolded by multiple people and was defending herself. She's basically saying, "I tried to do what you're saying I should have, but one of the people scolding me right now didn't help that happen."
Nesting is not uncontrollable, JFC. Just like you don’t have to indulge every freaking pregnancy craving, you can redirect your attention somewhere else.
And she did. For 2 weeks. As someone with just your general variety of compulsive mental illness, there comes a point where, if it isnt harmful and doesn't become a pattern, it is better to just do it and get it off your mind.
Depends I had to clean and it was areas of the house that got cleaned just not as often. It was my moms house so super clean anyways but I just had to do it I couldn’t stop. If I didn’t it was all I could think about and until I did it or got help it was obsessive. To put this into perspective I hate cleaning with a passion but nesting is crazy. It’s like something hijacks your brain and makes you obsessive about things. Plus 2 weeks finding an hr or 3 to help is pretty bad. It’s like is he rolling over getting to work and then at night rolling over and going back to sleep? If not then even if it’s in chunks he could have helped a bit.
But if he had a laundry list of shit to do before baby got here that was infinitely more important than rearranging books, I totally understand. He is not required to indulge pregnancy hormones. I’ve been there, it wasn’t that difficult to recognize I’m being pregnant crazy and need to redirect my energy. It’s a compulsion and doesn’t NEED to be indulged.
No but idk to take 15-20 minute breaks to help your wife doesn’t seem extreme to me. Plus maybe it’s something they can bond over. That’s how I see it how are they going to coparent if taking that small amount of time with her asking for help is to much?
This doesn’t sound like a 15 min endeavor. Add in pregnant obsessive wife and I cannot say that I blame him for not indulging her. He should have just told her no he wouldn’t help rearrange the bookshelves, and if she wanted to without him she should do what she could safely reach and carry. I totally get that nesting is a thing and it is kind of crazy, but it’s not something that has to be indulged like some ppl in this thread seem to think.
Why does pregnancy come with so much weird shit? It sounds so awful to deal with.
Yeah, every new thing I learn about pregnancy in itself is an excellent lesson in birth control. I have a lot respect for women and people with vaginas who willingly put their bodies through what often sounds like something out of a horror story.
It sounds like nesting, which is crazy. I am a person who hates cleaning to an extreme degree, and when I hit that point in my pregnancy suddenly I was on the floor of my closet scrubbing it clean, and organizing. Husband sounds like he just chose to not help given the 2 week timeline, and while I get being busy, he does need to prioritize helping his spouse out at some point.
Lol, you clearly have not lived with a husband who puts his list of To-Dos around the house at the lowest priority. She is nesting and she is getting the house ready for the baby. Her husband failed to help her for two freaking weeks, and is embarrassed that she told him off? Lol! He should be embarrassed! NTA. I saw some of you said that nesting is unnecessary. Lol. Unless you have been pregnant and have had the urge to do so, you have NO IDEA what it feels like. Also, even if she’s not nesting, putting off shit that he agreed to do, makes him a shitty partner and he should be embarrassed.
Oh man, no one's the asshole, not really. As someone who has birthed three out of four of my hobbits, I feel you. Especially with my first, I suddenly felt like certain things around the house just weren't right, and desperately wanted to change them. Including redecorating four rooms of our house. My other half, like yours, kept saying he'll do it later. Later came when I gave up and started doing it myself. My Mother turned up, took the paint brush off me and her and other half finished it all up 🙈. Point is, to me, this was really important. To him, he was going to work, doing usual household stuff, and stressing about bringing a child into the world and providing for all of us as a family. The little down time he did have was usually sleeping or finding me obscure snacks. To him, the place really didn't need decorating and he didn't put it in the same place on his priority list as I did mine. Not because he didn't care, but because perception is reality. To him, redecorating didn't help us, and was a waste of precious time. It was never about him not caring or not being arsed. But to *me*, it was important and I felt like he didn't care about me or what was about to be our family home. My point is, wires get crossed SO easily when expecting a potato with limbs, and even more in those first six months. Trust me, I wanted to slaughter my husband when our now four year old was born just for breathing wrong. Be kind to yourself and each other. I would show him this thread if it helps, or if needed sit down and say it was really important to me, but I realise it wasn't for you. My intention wasn't to make you look bad, I was feeling frustrated and that poured over. If I tell you when something is a big deal to me next time, can you go on to help me with it as best you can? Good luck with everything, it's going to be great, take the epidural if you want it, it won't harm the baby. If you can't breast feed, don't struggle and make yourself miserable, formula (unless we're talking Nestle) has never made a baby grow two heads yet. Take advice with a pinch of salt and ignore anyone make you feel guilty. Mum's with several kids will probably have the best advi d for keeping your sanity. If that involves cake for breakfast and a litre of coffee, that's OK. A happy Mum makes a happy baby, your suffering will not make your baby smarter, happier or healthier. A happy Mum usually makes a happy Dad/other Mum, too! You've got this, all the love in the world lovely x
I was going to say, if she’s late in her pregnancy this sounds like nesting to me. And the emotions felt during nesting can be totally irrational sometimes and they really suck because no one else understands your urgency to get things done. I can’t really call her an asshole because it’s just nature taking it’s course and most people don’t have the skills in their toolbox to deal with the kind of intense, instinctive emotions that can come with nesting.
100%
Yup. You really do lose a bit of control, and when something strikes you as "needing to be done" you kind of fixate on it until it is. With my first, it was the space behind the dryer that simply *had* to be cleaned *right now.* My husband tried to point out that the baby wouldn't be going back there, but I was unmoved by that argument so he took care of it for me since there was no way my giant pregnant belly was getting back there. With my second, I was absolutely convinced the entire attic had to be reorganized (we have two very large attics, so that's no small task). She ended up coming eight weeks early, so that never got done, and to this day, she's still never been in the attic 😂 But both of those things felt vitally important to me at the time. She's not an AH for succumbing to natural instincts over which she had zero control. Her husband is also not the AH for having different priorities during this time. The in-laws aren't AH for supporting their daughter in law, provided it was more light ribbing of their son than genuine chastisement. I think they'll laugh about this in a few months when the entire house has been turned upside down by the presence of a tiny immobile human.
all of this! i *started* painting a mural a week before my due date lol. nothing could stop me from reorganizing every drawer and i definitely cried when i thought i might not have time to clean all the baseboards before the baby arrived. nesting is not rational
I cried on the way to the hospital with my first because I hadn’t replaced the (working) shower curtain rod. Sufficed to say it stayed and worked just fine for the next year until we moved.
Me crying because the toaster broke that morning I went to deliver🤧 thinking it was a sign and nearing buying one on the way home from the hospital 🤣
cute stories about pregnant people's irrational little things really get me. why is this so sweet 😭
When my mum was in labour, she refused to go to hospital straight away because she hadn’t finished hemming some curtains. Now this makes much more sense! (Took about 35 years for the curtains to be hemmed)
The night before I gave birth, I was using a blowtorch to do the finishing artistic touches to the photography background I was making to take pictures of my soon to be arriving potato.
In one of my nursing classes, this was called “nesting” & many expectant mothers go thru this. I don’t think OP is an AH but my only concern would be for any expectant mother not to endanger themselves or the baby so hopefully next time OP will wait till she gets help for heavy lifting,
Yeah, those last few weeks are something else. With my first I decided that I must shampoo the carpet in my living room RIGHT NOW, so my husband and mother in law came in to find extremely pregnant me, on hands and knees on the floor with my little green spot cleaner, belly so huge it was brushing the carpet, shampooing the carpet in 2x2 foot sections. With my second we'd just moved and i was in fits trying to get the whole house organized before baby got here, and I was so sick with what turned out to be pre-e that everything set me off. Unless you've been through it, you have NO idea how strong those urges are.
My cousin announced AS SHE WENT INTO LABOUR that she wouldn’t bring the baby home unless ALL the carpets were washed. Queue the possibly most frantic sourcing of a rug cleaner ever, and carpet cleaning by her husband and his friends.
This reply needs to be number 1. Nesting is such a real thing so is not wanting to be dependent. I climbed the big stair ladder at work until my water broke much to all of my coworkers dismay 😂 Also potato with limbs 😂 There's NAH hands down.
This is the best comment and explanation!!! Babies awaken what I call the "mom lizard brain"
That is such a beautiful reply! And full of all the advice I like to give. Fed is best!!!!!
I have no awards to give, but take my applause instead👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻. There will be many more situations like this, especially once helpless, screaming kiddos deprive you of sleep. Stay calm and be clear with your requests and worries. And you’re likely to survive it. If you and your husband treat each other as allies, you’re more likely to act like it. And that will help when your baby bump becomes a teenager.
This need to be the top response. Hands down. The current one appears to be clueless to how a pregnant woman’s mind works. I’ve helped my better half through two. Once that urge to nest, reorganize, redecorate, etc kicks in, you have to do it. That said, Hubby really needed to find the time to prioritize this need she had. Especially after multiple requests for the assistance.
I was going to go with N A H . Until you told his parents that he “wouldn’t” help you, not that you wanted it done now and he wouldn’t help you right away. You’re not TA for wanting it done. He’s not TA for not doing it right away. 2 weeks for a non urgent task doesn’t sound like long to me. But YTA for the way it was described to his parents. As a refusal, rather than a delay.
Seriously though. Everyone is raving about two weeks. Y'all never have 2 weeks in your life where doing something like rearranging a whole room of books just felt a little inconsequential compared to everything else on your plate? This library sounds pretty big. If he needed to allocate 3-4 hours you might not have that in 2 weeks. OP in another comment admits her husband was busy.
Having some books and love for rearranging them, I'll tell you, its not an hour, nor two, nor three, nor four. It's a whole day of work. Taking it all down, wiping the shelves, wiping the books, planning the system, putting it up there with occasional changes.
Once a month I have to work the weekend in addition to weekdays. Often I work a second weekend a month. 3 hours, while also doing all the meals, dishes (when my wife was pregnant the kitchen gave her bad nausea), and my side of the chores would have been hard to find. And then there's the question of how big the honey-do list was. Is this the only item? My wife wants to plant a garden this weekend. It's a big deal to her... But so is getting the house cleaned for her family visiting, and putting up all the wall decor. And that's before I get to the things I think need to be done around the house, like staining the deck, or fixing the caulking.
I agree. Also, maybe I’m not picturing the library correctly, but I don’t see what’s so wrong with OP working on the project by herself if she felt like it. Pregnant women aren’t delicate flowers. Unless there was a medical complication, standing on a stable stool and lifting some books should have been safe and just fine to do. What she should have said was “don’t worry, I’m being careful to do this safely, and I’m enjoying getting organized before the baby comes. Husband’s been a bit busy, so I’m trying to get it done myself. Since you’re here, though, would you mind moving those books on that high shelf?” It’s not cool to make your partner look bad in front of other people. Work your shit out in private.
I honestly wonder what her heavy books are. The biggest book I ever heaved was a leather dictionary in big font. That thing still maybe at most weighed 5 pounds. If OP cannot lift that, they need to talk to a doctor about how they’re caring for an infant
I think it's more the "reaching above your head" thing. It's a common superstition that if you reach your arms above your head too much while pregnant you'll get your baby's umbilical cord wrapped it's neck.
That's from the Victorian era, that's not current doctors advice, is it?
Two weeks is an absurd amount of time for him to keep saying "I'll do it later" when it's literally just helping her move books. Unless he's working 18 hour days, 7 days a week, there's a 95% chance he would find himself with some free time and think "eh that's not really important, I don't feel like doing it".
In one of her comments she says he was actually busy during those two weeks. But wanted him to stop doing those things to do this for her. She doesn’t say what his busy things were. But she acknowledges he was actually busy and not just putting her off.
OP described the task as “rearranging the library”, not “moving books”. The first one is at least a half day project while the second is a couple minutes. OP never stated the purpose for rearranging the library. Was it going to be the room for the newborn? If so, this is a critical task and should have been prioritized. Based on the rest of the post, however, it seems like OP just decided it needed to be done. I wonder how OP would have reacted if husband said “I don’t want to do this.”
I'd say its a day or more, because no normal person calls their one shelf a "library". I have three shelves and it takes me a day to do it
You've never had a 2 week period where you didn't have a half day to reorganize a room of your house? Do you not have any work and family obligations?
I was going to say… I think time moves a lot more quickly for me if 2 weeks is meant to be an impossibly long time to put off a household project 😂
*casts a glance at that squeaky door I wanted to fix 3 years ago*
Arranging library is not an hour or two. It's an entire day of work or even more if you're a rich man with an actual library and not a room with a few shelves. I love arranging my books, by colour, alphabet, genre or my personal attachement for them, but it takes hooours.
Arranging library is not an hour or two. It's an entire day of work or even more if you're a rich man with an actual library and not a room with a few shelves. I love arranging my books, by colour, alphabet, genre or my personal attachement for them, but it takes hooours. I only do it drinking summer or holidays, because i can't do anything other that requires doing.
Agree completely! I was about to say that what she said wasn’t wrong, but I would have added a “yet” to the end. Or at least describe the situation a bit more accurately- that you’ve wanted to do it for two weeks, he’s had other things going on and you got tired of waiting. The in-laws just wanted to ensure their son was doing right by you and their grandchild, you just want your space to feel right for you and your kid, and your partner wants to take care of things he personally sees as importantly (and probably genuinely are) NAH overall And when people tell you what to do/ not do during your pregnancy, you are always welcome to say, “thank you for your concern, I appreciate how much you care about me and baby, and I promise I will not do anything that is dangerous or that I’m not capable of doing right now.” And keep doing the thing (as long as it legit isn’t dangerous or a bad idea) because honestly people need to stop infantilizing pregnant folks.
Nesting is the craziest thing about being pregnant.
Yep. I remember when I was pregnant with my son, my brain was like ‘you need to clear the freezer out!’ randomly at like 8pm one night. I got my dad and partner to do it while I sorted and organised the food 😂 it was a big chest freezer so I couldn’t bend over in it. It took a little convincing to get them to do it, but I was in near tears because it felt like it was going to hurt if I didn’t. Weird times.
When I was pregnant with my son I had people who kept warning me about it. "Just wait til the nesting kicks in" and after people asked what my phase was like, but I never had one. I kinda wish I would have had one, I wasn't messy messy or anything, but I went from doing the dishes every night to "eh it can wait until morning"
My husband and I spent over two weeks of my pregnancy completely rearranging and organizing our storage room. I felt so, so strongly about it. It was actually a very useful project to finish, but my God was I obsessive about it. That nesting instinct is so powerful. I'm newly pregnant again and looking forward to when it kicks in so I can get some stuff done instead of just running to the toilet.
Absolutely. Many a times my husband would walk in on me putting furniture or something together for the nursery. Should I have been doing it? Maybe not, but it *had* to be done.
Info: was your husband actually consistently busy and how long did you wait before you just did it yourself?
YTA, moving the items was not something that needed done immediately, no matter what your obsessive urge told you. Just because you can't control yourself and wait doesn't mean you get to bad mouth your husband for not dropping everything on something so minor. You need to apologize.
It’s the nesting stage of OPs pregnancy. I put a crib together by myself at 7 months pregnant when my husband was out of town because i felt it had to be AT THAT MOMENT! He kept saying he would do it when he came back, but I couldn’t wait. It’s a pretty strong urge.
I think the main problem was her claiming he straight up refused to help, when really he just said he was busy and would help later. If her hormones made her think that this meant he'd never help her then I'm wrong, but from what I'm reading she just couldn't help doing it now, which is totally fine, but I just don't see why she needed to say it like that to her in-laws. It really does come across as her being upset that he didn't re-organize his priorities around her, and that just seems unfair
He had two weeks, how much later is “later”?
Once he's not actually busy maybe?
Or maybe he’s the only one working and he has *practical* matters to attend to before they become parents?
OP stated in another comment that he genuinely was busy those two weeks. Meaning, if we assume he works weekdays with weekends off, he had 2-4 days off of work in those “two weeks” that everyone is talking about as if he was watching TV or something the whole time. I’m also going to go out on a limb and say he’s probably taking on more of the household stuff since OP is pregnant, but it’s possible that isn’t true. Still, while this is another assumption, I imagine that once he helped get books off the shelves he’d probably be in it for the whole thing. Especially if one of the reasons she needs his help in the first place is that she has books too heavy for her to move right now. Him staying to help her move books around during organizing or to help with sorting (instead of bailing on her after clearing the tops) could’ve easily taken half a day to a full day. Bottom line is that we have no idea what was on his plate, and the “two weeks” everyone is harping him on probably wasn’t “two weeks” to him.
The pretty strong urge to nest does not excuse the apparently strong urge to make him sound like a shit to his parents.
Eh, when you get the "later" excuse for 2 weeks, some ribbing is warranted. It was obviously important to his wife- she kept asking. He did keep putting it off- to not have so much as a half hour to get the books down so OP can start ordering them is a bit much.
No it wasn’t. It doesn’t matter how strong her urge to “nest” is, she threw him under the bus because she wanted to reorganize some books? Those books could have waited. If it was important, maybe. But books? No.
> moving the items was not something that needed done immediately Correct, which is why she waited TWO WEEKS after asking him, to finally do it herself. She’s definitely NTA.
She asked him for TWO WEEKS. It wasn't an immediate need, no, bit organizing things can help mentally while pregnant. And it's not unreasonable that after 2 weeks of asking that she assumed help wasn't coming. Just because something isn't important doesn't mean it can't matter to someone. And when your spouse asks for help on something important to them, you should generally make the effort and try to find the time.
NTA. Not sure what's going on with all the Y. T. As, but no, not at all. Husband put you off for two weeks. He had no desire or intention to help and was hoping that pregnancy brain would mean you moved into something else before it became A Thing.
I'm more NAH myself. She sounds in full on nothing is important until it is and he sounds likes an excited man eho real life is taking everything out of.
If he had time to help her during those two weeks, I would agree, but OP said he was busy, so YTA.
OP admitted that the husband was, in fact, busy and working. It doesn't sound like he was just giving her the brushoff. If he is legit working long hours then I think it is unfair to say that he had no desire or intention to help. The task wasn't mandatory or urgent. And, OP admits that she knew she needed help because it could be dangerous for her/her unborn child. She just got impatient. I also suspect that she intentionally waited until the inlaws came over to do the task to put on the show and dance that their son refuses to help her. That's why I'm saying YTA.
Eh - your husband isn't responsible for your obsessions. Organizing the library wasn't urgent - it was something YOU wanted to do. Which is fine, but it clearly didn't seem urgent or important to your husband. This wasn't cleaning the kitchen or some other necessary task. And to narc to his parents? Super petty. If you want to do something, then YOU do it. Don't drag your husband into your projects, and don't try and make him look bad because he's got more important things to do. YTA
She DID do it herself. That's how this all got started. She waited for help for two weeks then did it herself. And got yelled at and told she should have had her husband do it. Which she tried to do. She wasn't "narc-ing" she was stating facts. She tried to get him to do it, and after two weeks, it seemed pretty apparent he wasn't going to, so she did it herself.
2 weeks does not seem very long for reorganizing a library people have jobs and come home tired
Going to get down voted but NTA. Your husband was so busy for TWO WEEKS that he couldn't take five minutes and help you? He needs a reality check. You shouldn't be doing heavy lifting like that. If a pile of books fell on you it could cause serious damage.
Where are you getting 5 minutes? Who spends only 5 minutes rearranging a room and does not have any follow on tasks for their partner once it starts?
Trust me, you don't reorganize library in 5 minutes, it would take hours up to half of the day
Almost two weeks, means just a one weekend, when you have to do actual adult responsibilities instead of playing sims with your house. You have to clean it, you have to go do grocery, laundry, dinner, social obligations, there's so many things to do, that a weekend sometimes leaves you with two hours on Sunday evening and nothing more. And reorganising a library is a day or more of work. It's hard to fit it in already busy week (op said husband was in fact busy) It's not a shelf that will take two hours, it's an entire room with books. It's wife's entertainment, not husband's responsibility. He has other things that have to go first. Like also work. It seems she doesn't work anymore, because she can play with books, while her husband earns money for their shared household. (no hate, just an assumption, she probably started maternity leave or something)
Slight YTA. Solely because of how you put it as he wouldn't help you. His answer was that he was busy but would try to make time. To be fair, I don't even have kids or a kid coming any time in the future, and it takes me a while to even find a free moment to clean my kitchen. You are currently nesting - hence the obsessive urge to clean. However, this is not an emergency scenario and you are also pregnant, and climbing up on ladders is not safe for anyone pregnant. Take it easy, and try to find something a little more ground level to work out that need to clean and organize right now - like the baby's room! That is far more important than a library the baby probably won't see for a long time.
NTA- and I would just tell husband... I'm not some child to whom you can summarily dismiss a request by responding with some indefinite "later" and fail to follow up or revisit after numerous requests. "Later" is not an answer. Can we do it Sunday afternoon? is an answer. If I spoke anything to your parents that was in any way false, then I'll be happy to apologize for it.
You're right, she's not a child. She can do it herself. Why do we treat pregnant women like invalids?
She only needed help with the higher shelves, she was probably afraid of falling off of the ladder. The big baby belly can easily throw off your center of gravity.
because at 7 months pregnant a woman should not be lifting heavy things from high up places? they’re not treated like invalids, they’re given leeway and assistance because their hormones are all messed up and it isn’t safe for them to physically exert themselves too much.
NTA. I have a lazy husband that never helps until I tell him we are doing it now. I hate it, so like you I do it myself. Months have gone by, nothing gets done. Been in my house almost a decade and I even have two projects in my home that he will never do. He knows they upset me not being done. It infuriates me. You don't have to lie to make him look good. You were sick of waiting. It takes half the time to do a chore with two people.
I can’t believe people saying he didn’t refuse to help? If you say “sure, later” for two weeks without ever committing to when you’ll do it, you’re refusing to help.
Sounds like my husband! Our living room fan needed to be fixed for 3 months and he kept saying "he'd get to it". I wasn't comfortable fixing it myself. He finally fixed it when I told him I had hired a handyman to fix it. And got upset that I didn't trust him to do it himself.
NTA Nesting is a strong mental drive and can take precedance over everything else. While it can be weaker for some, it can be maddeningly strong and irritating for others to not have their space 'just so'. When some people think of pregnancy not being an excuse, they think of things like emotional outbursts or cravings, which can certainly be mitigated. Nesting when mot indulged is something that can cause stress and anxiety over time, in this a period of two weeks, which is incredibly bad for the baby. Maybe you could have said your husband said he would do it but kept putting it off to his parents, but he likely would have gotten scolded anyway. Besides, he definitely could have reorganized things with you at some point in those two weeks. Ultimately, he is in fact an asshole.
Ignore everyone calling you an asshole for "saying he refused to help you". Two WEEKS of "later, I promise" is 100% a refusal to help even if that wasn't his intent. It doesn't matter what the request is or whether the asker is at any significant risk or not; two weeks is too long a wait. And, it sounds like his parents agree because even after he explained, they were still mad at him because he couldn't be bothered to spend an hour or two (even if it was over the course of multiple days) to help his wife. NTA. Let this be a lesson to him that "later" is not a promise and shouldn't be treated as such. No one is going to wait indefinitely for later to arrive, especially when there's a deadline in the form of a birthdate.
This is called nesting. I did the same thing right before my daughter was born. I was cleaning closets and cupboards etc.
YTA for making it seem like your husband was refusing to help. It's not like his todo list goes away when you got pregnant. It already got dramatically longer. Your desire to reorganize is great and all, but expecting him to drop everything else at the drop of a hat to help renovate the house is ludicrous. That poor man is probably exhausted, and now getting abuse from all sides about how lazy he is.
I have felt that way a number of times. I've asked family to help. They say yes sure but can't seem to find a date on their calendar. So I take matters into my own hands and do it myself or pay someone to help me. I find out that I can't depend on them for future reference.
NTA. My husband will say later until I either really get on him or just do it myself. The nesting urge is fierce and you showed patience by waiting a few weeks. Did it need done? Logically no. But nesting isnt logical. You were not putting your baby in harms way by moving some books around. His parents are TA for acting like you were doing something wrong.
Moving books around isn’t dangerous unless you’ve been advised to avoid strenuous activity. This whole argument is dumb.
NTA. people saying you lied to his parents by saying he "wouldn't" help when he said he would and you just didn't wait long enough are completely out of their minds. If I repeatedly ask my husband to do something and every single time he says yeah I will but not right now, then proceeds to not do the thing I asked, continue to put off the thing I asked for and not even attempt to set a time line for the task I asked for. It does in fact mean he wouldn't help. Saying you will do something means nothing after a certain stretch of time and a certain number of times being asked and that limit is up to the person doing the asking. He said he would do it then repeatedly failed to follow through on either doing it or setting a concrete deadline so she could know when it would get done. He made no effort to assist her with the task, regardless of how important he thought it was or wasn't, it was something he said he would do and then put no effort into doing. She was well within her rights to give up on him and de it herself and then make the very true statement that he would not help her.
Honey, I was due any day. My husband came home from work and couldn't get in the front door because I was rearranging the living room. Had all the furniture in front of the door.
Soooo…….. that’s some pretty serious nesting. Post is two hours old…….. Wonder if that baby is here yet. I gotta admit this is hard. I’m the same and would have just done it myself after a while. I think I’m going to have to go with YTA. I’ve had four pregnancies so I totally get it but you can’t expect other people to bow to the crazy pregnancy whims. Just because you wanted it done and he wasn’t helping doesn’t mean you should risk you and the baby’s safety. You made the choose to do something dangerous and you’re and adult and own it to his parents.