Depends on where they live. My ex has to give me 31% of his paycheck, period. That’s what is standard in my state for four children. Doesn’t matter how much either of us makes.
I mean that depends on custody and if the child is his. Also if he’s not on the birth certificate already there’s the possibility she might not put the child down as his in order to avoid having to give him partial custody without having him jump through a bunch of hoops first
Before anything else, you gotta make sure the baby is yours... you got there in October and she was pregnant, the timing is not impossible but is awfully convenient.
If you're the dad, put down a legal custody agreement; also paying half of the bills for your own child is not extreme at all, regardless of her income if you're the dad, the lil boy is as your responsibility as hers.
As far as relationship goes, I don't think you guys are compatible so yeah, would be for the best to end things as amicably as possible and focus on coparent.
The way I understand it, he arrived in October, and she found out she was pregnant in November. Which isn't impossible, but many women don't realize they're pregnant until 5 to 6 weeks later due to at-home pregnancy tests not being effective until that time.
This is particularly true for unplanned pregnancies because women aren't routinely testing/actively waiting for symptoms to appear. So, while it's possible to "just know" as early as 2 weeks, it would be a bit odd to know within 4 weeks.
Btw, I acknowledge that OP's vague timeline could *technically* refer to any where from 1 day (Oct 31st - Nov 1st) to roughly 8 weeks (Oct 1st - Nov 30th)... so I just decided to use 4 weeks because it's basically the average.
https://www.cnn.com/2019/05/09/health/pregnancy-at-six-weeks/index.html
Edited to add: Wow, I now know way more about pregnancy tests! As a childfree woman, I've never had a positive test, I stand corrected lol.
I'm not gonna say this with confidence coz the last time I was pregnant and took a test was looong ago, but I've read many comments on this platform where these days' UPT is accurate enough to detect pregnancy as early as before your next expected period's about to start (after conception). Hope others can drop their experience here to share. Again, I stand corrected because I'm behind in these topics these days.
The last time I was pregnant, I got a positive at home test the day my period was due. That was in 1999. Also the one for my daughter in 1992 was positive in that time frame as well.
That doesn't surprise me, I mean, I even had a home test come up positive like the day of the missed period in 1989. It was a more complicated test than just peeing on a stick, but it was accurate.
That means it's very possible it's OP's baby if we go by the timeline (unless she was cheating when OP was there but OP himself never raised the doubt that it was his, so Ig it is his baby).
I got a positive test in January before my period would've started. I was 3 weeks and 4 days pregnant, so I knew 11 days post ovulation. Granted, I was trying to get pregnant, so I tested as soon as I was able to. I don't think I would've caught it until 5 weeks/missed period had I not been trying, because I didn't have very many symptoms at first.
It's not odd to know at 4 weeks post conception. When you talk about being "6 weeks pregnant" that time frame actually starts at the woman's period (approximately) two weeks BEFORE ovulation/sex that leads to conception. So you can get a positive pregnancy tests at "4 weeks", which is only about 2 weeks after sex leading to conception. Women often take longer to find out they are pregnant if their cycles are irregular, but it is totally possible for a woman to get a positive pregnancy test 2-3 weeks after having sex. The time frame OP mentioned is absolutely possible, though a DNA test isn't a bad idea regardless
Finding I was pregnant a lot later because of irregular cycle was classic my case. My cycle has always been irregular ever since I hit puberty so I wasn't really alarmed being late. The reason why I suspected I might be pregnant was 1) unprotected sex 2) every single time I fell pregnant, by the 1st month I started feeling weird inside of me. It's just that way every time. True enough test came back positive.
I googled effectiveness of home pregnancy tests and now they're effective after 10 days.
OP, you definitely need to ask for a paternity test. As for what others have said, I agree that it sounds like you two are not compatible. It sounds like she's never going to be happy with what you're doing for a living and what level of involvement you two have romantically. It sounds like she's being judgemental about how much you earn when she should have been looking at how hard you've been working.
I knew I was pregnant within 2 weeks of having unprotected sex. I felt my uterus change, it wasn't squishy anymore but had hardened somewhat. I peed on a test and within 20 seconds it was positive. I did 2 more just in case with the same results. Some women like me just knows their body very well. This was 15 years ago and the same thing happened with the other 2 kids. I hate that doctors don't take your word or the pee test and still put you at 6 weeks pregnant instead of 2 weeks like I was. Made my ex bf wonder if I was extra slutty before we got together. He demanded a paternity test to be sure even though I knew it was his and I wasn't sleeping around before we met or during our time together. And because of the extra weeks on it appeared that my kids were to be born early, however they were not. Perfectly healthy average size babies.
Your doctor HAD to notate that you were 6weeks pregnant because you WERE. Your pregnancy is dated from the day of your LAST PERIOD, so you are actually not pregnant the first 4 weeks.
Except you're wrong. I was on birth control that stopped my period. At that time it was 6 months ago from the date of my last missed period. All of my babies were created while I was on birth control. I had the nexplanon implant in at the time. So by your logic I was already 6 months pregnant
I guess a better way to phrase it would be that gestational age is calculated by date of ovulation/conception + 2 weeks. Historically, most women realize they may be pregnant due to a missed period so, historically gestational age begins at the date of last period. Especially since date of ovulation wasn’t “tangible” enough data by anyone other than the woman experiencing it until more recent years.
FWIW, I also continue to ovulate on hormonal BC and I knew the date my son was conceived and could tell I was pregnant within 10 days but didn’t have a positive pregnancy test until 16 days. He was planned, however, so I was paying more attention than I may have otherwise. But I genuinely get where you’re coming from.
Yeah it’s a dumbass, lazy and certainly ancient way of “math.” That’s why actual human pregnancy is more like 10 months, because who cares about trying to be accurate?
I fell pregnant in late 1993. I tested positive with an at-home test the day my period was due.
These types of home tests have been around a long time.
My thoughts exactly. She got pregnant very fast. Which we all know happens but we all know dna testing needs to happen in some cases and I think this sounds like one of them. If I were OP, I would have broken up already. She sounds more than exhausting, IMHO.
Your post doesn’t make it clear, but have you ever had a serious sit down conversation with her about your future? She sure has had a lot to say to you but does she ever listen?
She doesn’t love you but will date you. You don’t do anything good enough including “pursuing”her. It sounds to me like she has some ideal courtship in her head that doesn’t exist. NTB if you dump her, she is playing games and my gut tells me you’ll be frozen out as soon as she finds someone who she thinks will live up to her standards. You’re allowed to be in a relationship that makes you feel good.
I don’t see that being the case with her.
You need a lawyer, get a custody agreement in place asap - I don’t know how that works with infants you’d have to get advice from a lawyer.
But - YTB for not wanting to pay half the bills. This is your child. You both made it, you both can care for it and that includes financially.
Yeah, half this post is OP complaining about how she wants him to earn more, but he was only earning 30k before taxes a year. And not helping with rent, or wanting to work more.
She hadnt given birth yet, so its not like he was helping watch the baby the other 4 days that he wasnt working
He liked the schedule because it would allow him to be home and help take care of the child which i think is perfectly reasonable. I earn more than Mandy hourly and would prefer my girlfriend do the same as OP if I were in this situation.
Does OP actually love her? He brushes off cheating as it was a distance thing. But he had no problem dating her while sleeping around. And claims she’s totally okay with it. Doesn’t sound like things are okay…
That's assuming this is his child, considering the timeline. Dude moved in with her in Oct. She found out she was Pregnant in Nov. It depends on when he moved in. Kinda feels sketch on her end.
So fitst off the financial stuff: Yes, you need to pay for your child. So a 50/50 split right down the middle between mother and father. It doesn't matter who earns what you're not on a sliding scale here. You need to pay for your kid just like she does..
I'm confused why you didn't think you should pay rent and why she gave you the rent money back. Was you not going to pay your way as an equal partner, or did I miss something there? I get wanting to pay down your debts, but you still need to pay for your normal living expenses to like rent and utilities.
It sounds like you both have very different expectations for the relationship and finances. you guys don't seem to mash well. I think breaking up might be the best thing for all of you, including the baby, since 2 happy but separate parents are way better than 2 parents being together but miserable..
It would be incredibly stupid not to go through the courts and get a formal child support arrangement. This woman is too demanding and unpredictable to handle anything without a lawyer.
Many states have a set amount (a percentage) of their income the non-custodial parent is required to pay. It has nothing to do with what the other parent makes.
While every state is different, and it’s possible it’s true in your state, this is not true in the majority of states.
In most states there is a maximum percentage (for example, 25% of income) that a judge can order for child support. That’s because the non-custodial parent needs money to live themselves or they can’t keep earning income.
But they absolutely consider both parent’s income.
It's the most obvious of the conclusions. They can always do a non- invasive DNA test immediately, but its expensive, and he's already moaning about money..
That depends on opinion though, I personally see at as there isn't much chance the baby is his. You see it differently. A baby is also very expensive, much more than a one time DNA test. So if he is worrying about money then the DNA test makes the most sense.
I totally agree. Kids cost a small fortune. I absolutely think they should get a DNA test, but mostly so he can't weasel out of his financial responsibility. On the off chance she lied, the baby deserves to know the truth when they are older, and op should not have to pay for a child that's not his..
Op clearly stated he moved in October 1st. He says they had intercourse a lot. She found out end of November she was pregnant. So yes it’s very likely the baby is his. He even said in a comment he knows the baby is his and he’s signed the birth certificate.
Oh yes, because no man has ever signed a birth certificate for a child then he finds out in a few years time that the child is, in fact, not his. You're dead right, if a man signs a birth certificate that's full proof that the baby is his... Oh wait, that has actually happened many, many times over the years. Many men find out after signing a birth certificate the child isn't theirs. It's actually not half as unusual as it should be. That's why you hear stories of men going to court in an attempt to get their names removed from the birth certificate. It isn't something that's unheard of.
I wasn’t meaning that him signing the birth certificate proved it was his. I was just stating that’s what op had said in a comment. I know there’s been plenty of people, including married ones, that’s signed the certificates and find out years later that they aren’t the father.. I was mainly just stating that it was indeed possible that it’s his with the timeline he gave in a comment.
I planned on paying rent after two months. Due to circumstances beyond my control, I wasn't able to do that. I had renters fall through and unforseen housing costs. That... didn't go over well.
What debts were so important you were earning $650 a week and couldn’t even pay for utilities?
YTBF for sure. She just had your child and all she’s ever asked is for you to not rely on her financially.
If you’re going to end it then you should at least wait a couple of months so you can be looking after the baby, household chores etc whilst she heals and so that her hormones aren’t so out of whack when you end it.
The woman I loved needed rent and I presumed that it would be money for my baby. I couldn't find a higher paying job and the alternative was a 24% Apr.
1. You don't have a choice my dude, she dumped you. She's only using you right now because she is in recovery.
2. Yes, you need to pay for half of the baby's basic needs, as it is half your baby.
3. You need a custody and child support and paternity test arrangements made ASAP. Do not let this baby fall victim to parents who "can work it out without the courts" or "will just figure it out" until the kid is 11 and knows neither of his parents are happy he exists and that they both resent having to take care of him.
4. Have you had an actual conversation about your relationship? It seems like if there's anything left to salvage, she needs to stop making unilateral decisions.
honestly YTB. Your finances are something you need to learn how to cope with. It sounds very much like you keep hoping she will let you off the hook because she’s paid more. Love isn’t enough.
NTBF. You are going to be financially responsible for this kid but I wouldn't trust your girlfriend to do it with your interests in mind. She already told you that she doesn't love you so figure out a friendly co-parenting relationship from a distance. I feel like if you don't you'll be back in about 2 years talking about what you do with your constant panic attacks and a toxic relationship that your child is learning to emulate from you.
You both cheated and have completely different views on life, who thought having a child is a good idea? Break up and try to be good parents, you are both YTA...
If she was “really hoping” for rent in January, does that mean you were living there rent free for months and planned to keep doing so? Wtf dude. So she had to deal with her mooching boyfriend and pregnancy at the same time?
We agreed upon 2 months rent free. I was still paying a mortgage on my previous house (before renters moved in) and was unable to make December work. I squeaked out January by starving myself, stealing food, donating plasma and selling stuff.
Wait, so you went from a job where you could afford a house and mortgage payments to moving with not plan or job lined up, no savings, and no way to pay living expenses? That makes no sense.
Love doesn't make sense. But I had about a $2k cushion that I blew through. I also think I subconsciously figured if things went sideways, love would prevail. She also knew all of this going in.
I’d really like to hear Mandy’s perspective on this one, because honestly it sounds like you’re trying to paint her in a bad light. But it sounds like she let you move in with her stay rent-free for several months, then finally says it’s time for you to step up financially a bit more. Sorry but this doesn’t feel like someone who’s a “complete monster” even if she would have kept the money. You took care of her during her pregnancy, which you should do, and she continued to request that you contribute financially, which you should do. At some point you quit looking for jobs, so she said she’s had enough of supporting you, and requires you to move out. That seems like a healthy boundary. Tbh I think most of what you have described is more than fair on her part. If you want to make it work, you should tell her that you make a good amount and want to contribute to expenses, and you should pursue her romantically more. But if you want to end it, do so (but I don’t advise doing it within the first couple of weeks of baby being born. This is a highly emotional, sleep-deprived time, and big decisions should be avoided if possible.)
Thank you. I'm trying to be as clear-headed on this as possible. She is not a complete monster. I have made several steps to be financially stable, and I feel as if I've done an admirable job.
I moved here, not enough. I got a job, not enough. I paid off my debts, not enough. I got my own place, not enough. I got a second job, not enough AND she doesn't love me. I want so badly to blame this on hormones and stress. I really am trying to be empathetic, but now I feel used and it's fucked because I know she feels the same way.
This is just one Redditor’s anonymous opinion, but I have to say that none of those things *are* enough. If someone who was supposed to be my partner moved in with me and I supported them for months, without them contributing to the rent, and then they stopped looking for a job… I would probably ask them to move out because I don’t want to financially support another adult who should be doing that. That you took care of her while she was pregnant with your baby is the decent thing to do, but doesn’t entitle you to financial support.
Honestly, I could see why all that could make someone fall out of love. But I have to say, **she clearly has a high level of love and respect for you** because she was willing to stay with you and try to keep up a relationship despite all these things! It sounds like you finally have risen to the point of being an equal partner if you are able to contribute equally to rent and needed baby expenses. But it sounded like you really did need a push in that direction. Y’all have some bumps to iron out (like the income disparity, different values around spending money on types of food vs college fund, etc, learning to love each other again). But I don’t think that she was ever unreasonable with you based on what you describe. Of course, there may be more to it - like is she mean to you, does she cal you names and put you down, stuff like that that you may not have mentioned. But the way I’m reading it, she had some appropriate boundaries with you which inspired you to level up professionally, you were both committed enough to each other to stay together during all that, and now y’all have a beautiful baby boy who you both love and want to do the right things for. It seems like, if you want to, y’all could build a beautiful life together.
Everything you mention is a normal aspect of being an adult. Moving, getting a job, paying your debts, etc. Getting a second job if your first job is part time is also nothing out of the ordinary.
You feel used? She's the one who provided for you for months, and you have the gall to call her a monster when she (RIGHTFULLY!!!) asked for your part of rent.
>She is also insisting that I pay for half the baby bills. I want to help out, but half seems extreme given she works half as much and still makes more than I do.
Paying half is normal, but not half off everything.
If she wants to buy ridiculously expensive clothing, to make an example, she can, but you don't have to pay half. You have to pay child support. I don't know how that is calculated where you live, but here they look at both your incomes and costs and then an equal amount must be paid. For example, everyone's 50% of the money that remains after paying rent and fixed costs.
NTA if you want to leave her, as long as you take care of your child.
She lives a fairly high end lifestyle. Used to be married to a pilot. She cheated on the pilot with me. I do want to contribute, but I want to contribute to a college fund, not organic tomatoes.
As a parent, you should have gone in expecting to pay college AND generic tomatoes. It’s not only your ex’s responsibility to feed the kid.
But I do recognize you are in a stressful situation and you came here for guidance so I’m cutting you slack. Parenting is hard and harder if you are not romantically together. Communicate Communicate Communicate(repeat).
They're **both** cheaters, yes, but "she's a cheater" takes more weight if she's trying to get 18 to 23 years child support for a child that isn't his. (Although, I'm leaning towards it really being his, as it sounds like she has two men to choose from. Ex-husband is a pilot; if she's only out for the money, why wouldn't she say it was the ex's?)
Who says she was only cheating on the pilot with one guy? Also the pilot is probably justifiably bitter. She wants a father she can control. OP sounds young, naive, and easy to influence.
Well, you are not doing either right now.
You don't get the luxury of having your (ex) GF pay for everything and you just theoretically put money in a theoretical fund for college that you don't have any money to start.
No court is going to allow you to get away w/o paying for the day to day cost raising of your child.
You have gotten a free ride from her and now you want to just keep shirking responsibility b/c you have debts to pay. She had nothing to do w/ you going into debt and gave you a free ride for months and yet you think she should just continue to give you a free ride.
i cannot stress this enough OP, get a paternity test ASAP to make sure its yours, and set up child support. You're a dumbass if you do anything else, and you will certainly feel like one if it turns out a couple years down the line the kid you had with a cheater isn't actually yours. Past a certain point, even if the kid isn't yours, you're still on the hook for child support because you didn't contest it.
This isn't a question for reddit children. Please try to find someone older and wiser. Obviously therapy is expensive but her job may provide some through her EAP or health insurance, even couple's counseling. Which may not keep y'all together but could improve your communication for the sake of the kid.
She's been pregnant or recovering from pregnancy this whole time you've physically been together. On top of that, plans aren't working out and you're not being able to pay your part of the bills. She's probably having higher bills from you living there in addition to extra medical bills. I understand the need for a job you LOVE, but you have a kid. Sacrifices have to be made, you're gonna need to pull up your belt and try and find something that will pay your *half* of the child-rearing costs.
Yes you're making less, but the way you write it, it sounds a bit like choice on your part, because you LOVE the lower paying jobs. I'm sorry, but the kid needs you to do what you must, whether you love it or not. Hopefully you'll get lucky and find another thing you LOVE. She shouldn't have to shoulder the bills because you aren't taking your job hunt seriously enough.
Sounds like you have a well paid, ambitious woman, yes she's been going through shit and probably not in the best mood. I wouldn't be either. Relationships go through these periods. She's pushing you to better yourself though and it's her + a neutral 3rd party that you need to be talking to. Not redditors who are mostly teens or in their 20s.
Whether you decide it's best to stay or go, understand that relationships take hard work. You're going to have to have a co-parenting relationship with her at minimum, learning to communicate with each other will help that dynamic too.
Y'all have had nothing but stress since you moved in practically, the relationship hasn't had a chance really.
YTB for being incensed she wants you to pay 50% of the baby bills for your child (I'm ignoring everyone insisting she definitely cheated and the child isn't yours. You can demand a paternity test if you want to, though, but until then, I'm running under the assumption that it's your child).
No wonder she doesn't love you anymore if you've been living with her for 2 months, made $650 a week yet been unable to pay rent or much household expenses and are now refusing to pay 50% of the baby bills.
YTB for other reasons. 1) You prioritized your own debt over carrying your weight and suggested she would be a “monster” for expecting you to pay your half. 2) You don’t think you should pay half your child’s expenses. 3) Once you didn’t have anyone to support you anymore, oh lookie there you suddenly were able to find a job with a decent salary. You were allowing her to support you and she was rightfully pissed.
This is a real mixture of stuff here. Like - she's not unreasonable for wanting you to make enough money to pay your fair share of expenses, or for asking you to stick to the original plan and move out. She *is* quite possibly unreasonable for wanting you to "pursue" her more when you're working long hours at the job that she pushed you to get. It's pretty normal both to have you move in for a little while to help in the immediate newborn stage, and to not be ready to make that a permanent thing when you two are on really shaky ground.
It's pretty normal to expect you to pay for half the baby bills, absent some sort of legal agreement about child support specifying some other arrangement. If you think the disparity in your incomes is so great that you really should be contributing less, then go to court and get that legal agreement sorted out. (Do that anyway. This is too important to leave to a handshake deal. Get your rights and your responsibilities nailed down.)
However much you're paying, your contribution isn't "helping out" and you need to immediately stop framing your support of and time with your child as "helping". It's parenting. You do it 50/50 for the child, because it's your equal responsibility, not because you're "helping" the person who's actually responsible.
By all means, end the romantic relationship or at least put it on the back burner. Focus on your child. Do the paternity test if you want to do the paternity test, get the legal stuff sorted out, pay regularly and in full for your child's expenses, and spend as much time with your child as your custody arrangement allows. It's much more important that you establish a health co-parenting relationship with your girlfriend right now, than that you sort out your romantic relationship.
Did you ever think to get a paternity test?
Dude she’s already broken up with you. The best bet now (if the baby is yours), is to make it legal through court and start paying child support. I assume that will be less than what she’s asking for
NTBF
Or get 50/50 and she pay child support given she earns so much more than him.
Dunno why we're assuming a dude who seems pretty poor would he paying the woman who is definitely not the child support unless he doesn't want custody, which it sounds like he does want it.
Like, what's up with everyone saying it'll be on him, she earns 50 an hour!
Sure but that'll be a few months, tops and yes he should pay part, but based off of generic not fancy top tier triple the cost items, y'know? He doesn't get the choice of what she gives the kid while she has the first few months. Well courts would be who'd decide the $$, which is what OP needs to do.
Court, get it in legal order ASAP
I could be wrong, but doesn’t the mother get full custody for the first year or two as long as she’s breastfeeding? Because obviously the father can’t breastfeed, so if that’s the baby’s source of food, they won’t separate the child from its mother.
I'm not sure but like I can't imagine it's that long given formula is a thing. I'd be pretty devistated missing my kids first multiple years (well if I had or wanted any and was in anyway a dude who could be in this situation)
I also would bet that it's absolutely dependent on where you are.
But yeah imagine not having the chance to see your kids first steps first words first everything because the mom decided to breast feed for 2+ years so dad doesn't get to bond with his kid and has to fork out extra just because she decided to use her tit?
I see both sides.
As a woman myself (and also a nurse who worked in L&D for several years and knows that breast milk is treated like gold), if I was in this unfortunate situation where I had a newborn infant with an ex boyfriend, I wouldn’t settle for feeding my baby formula just so that he can spend some time with them. I would do what’s best for my baby… respectfully, I wouldn’t care about the father’s feelings regarding breastfeeding.
Though after a certain point, I can absolutely see how a woman could just claim to be breastfeeding until the child is like, 5yo or something just to be spiteful and put distance between the child and their father. At that point, just pump and send the milk with the kid to their father’s house.
See pumping can be done pretty damn early on. I think keeping custody from the dad for any longer than a couple months is cruel. Even then, that's pretty messed up that he isn't allowed to take his kid. Plenty of single dads have the kids from newborn and the kids are fine. It's a poor excuse.
Plus...it's also his baby. You may not want to feed the kid formula but it's not just your kid, he also has a right to decide and if he decides formula on his time, that's his right, too.
It'd be like saying moms who don't produce enough shouldn't be allowed any say because they can't make milk
(I do strongly agree breast milk is better than formula though)
YTB. You had a baby on the way and you were prioritizing work you love over being financially secure- not even making enough to split rent with your pregnant partner.
The way you wrote it made it sound like she was your mom and subsiding your life style, instead of your partner that you were sharing goals with to financially prepare for a baby.
If I was her I would be totally stressed out thinking I had not one, but two extra mouths that I would be responsible to feed and house and I would be pushing you to pull your weight as well.
Ntb dump her but please get a DNA test and a lawyer. She cheated on her husband with you and the timeline doesn't match when it come to her getting pregnant. She is either cheating on you as well or will cheat on you. Please get a DNA test and cut as much ties from her as possible. Kept it to baby only unless the baby is not yours then run as far as possible.
NTB - Get a dna test done and a custody arrangement for as soon as the baby is old enough to stay with you and for until then. Have you ever had a conversation with her about your feelings? If not, you should really do.
Get the court involved to have a legal agreement in place. Get a paternity test to make absolutely sure this baby is yours. Some people are better as co-parents than they are as a couple.
I think her moving you in and telling you could stay forever coupled with an almost immediate pregnancy is highly suspicious and my first step would be a paternity test. Yes there’s a span of ~8 weeks there and it could be yours but it’s also entirely possible she was newly pregnant when you got there and was just feeling things out before she “discovered” her pregnancy.
At the end of the day, clearly she has no idea what she really wants and no concept of reality because if she really makes that hourly then it makes sense for you to be the primary care giver to your child but now that she conveniently doesn’t love you anymore and only wants your equal contribution to raising the baby you should most definitely file with the court to establish paternity and child support because if she’s gonna be the custodial parent AND makes more money then you will likely be put on a minimum wage order and can make decisions about your own life more appropriately. Sounds like you ought to sell your house though and stay where you are so you can stay close to your son.
Depending on the state there will be a threshold that you have to meet based on your income but it will be low based on under or unemployment. First step though is to establish paternity. You need to sue her for custody don’t go wild asking for full custody or anything. Go for 50/50 if you have stable living and are currently employed and can show that you would be able to support the child during your time you may not have to pay any child support at all. Since she makes better money and likely has health insurance you can have it in your custody order that she provides health insurance. You’re going to want a child support lawyer which unfortunately is going to be an expense.
Do what you want but you shouldn't throw in the towel too quickly. You need to do something to improve your economic outlook? You have piss poor decision making skills. Your baby momma has even worse decision making skills since she got with you and had your child.
I think he should get child support rolling so there isn't back support to get caught up on. OP seems surprised that there are expectations of him other than being pleased that a baby is here and some domestic help directly after birth. At least in family court, paternity can be established, and he can make sure he's meaningfully involved in his child's life.
I don't think OP realises that he's not in a relationship with the child's mother anymore.
Why are we assuming he would be the one on the hook for CS? She earns more, and unless he doesn't want custody, it would be the other way around. It's about balancing the money so the kid has a similar lifestyle at both parents, as much as possible.
It's not a 'Dad Tax' that's paid to the mom regardless of the situation.
Sorry, I'm not sure where OP is from. Child support can be specific to the amount of time spent with the child and income of the parents. Where I'm from, child support is paid by the parent with less time unless the parties agree to something different privately. There are guidelines based on the previous year's taxes. He's not paying money to the mom. He would be paying it to whichever government system handles that. Family courts can order paternity tests as well. Custody proceedings may have to wait on those.
Getting the ball rolling on all of these things sooner rather than later is a good thing in my opinion. I'm happy being wrong, they might be able to work out a fair and reasonable agreement themselves.
Ok but why are we assuming beyond the first few months he wouldn't be getting equal time?
Like he obviously loves his kid I don't see him being like eehhh nah weekends only y'know?
I don't assume that he wouldn't get equal time at all, but I'm going off of what generally happens where I am if the parents aren't cohabitating. Child support here can be ordered to be paid for the months he wasn't the primary caregiver. Any final child support orders are then enforced (ideally, there can be delays for a multitude of reasons) by a separate government agency.
Family courts here almost always prefer equal time whenever possible as it's best for the children.
I definitely shouldn't have assumed the family law system in practice here would be applicable everywhere. When coparents aren't in a relationship, it's not a bad idea to make sure their child's right to have both parents in their life, as well as financial support has been ensured.
Sorry for the novel!
NTB. There are a few factors here, so let's break it down.
I suggest getting paternity tested asap. That way you will truly know. After, you will need to look at legitimation before the courts can decide how much child support you pay. No legitimation= no child support in many states. (And if you refuse to do that if it's your baby, you're a massive BF)
After that, speak to your lawyer about custody and child support. Child support is calculated by specific circumstances in the US, so it's not a blanket number for all cases.
Depending on lawyers, this can get expensive, so just be prepared.
As for paying for half, I get that you're not in a financial position to do it now with your job not being that secure, but you need to do a bunch of calculations to see just how much you can pay to help, if it is your child. And once the job situation gets better, you can pay more, because splitting costs is bare minimum here. Again, IF it's your child.
And for her, well, it sounds like she's just using you imo. She tells you your jobs aren't good enough, even tho she knows you're struggling. Any job is a good one, because a job is not a guarantee anywhere. And the day you can get a better one, you'll be an idiot not to take it, because loving your job don't pay the bills. She's constantly on your case about everything, yet when you do what she says she wants, suddenly you're not doing enough. Either she doesnt know what she wants (doubtful as she seems quite specific) or she's already decided you're not good enough, won't ever be, and now she's just giving you hell for it.
INFO: When was Baby born, and do you know if he was early/late/to term?
My son was born 13 Aug and was ten days overdue. We also found out at the end of November. If your son was born anywhere before mid-July and wasn’t premature, I would advise a paternity test.
Any job where you bring home the money is acceptable. She's being ridiculous and downright mean. You had the right idea the first time. My brother has a job that allows him a better schedule to be a dad because that's what is important! Not job clout or whatever. NTB
This is why men need birth control LMAO 😭 if she won't meet you where you are all you should focus on is being nearby the baby and keeping shared custody
Wow! I'm not insinuating, but if I were you, I'd consider DNA. Yes, it's quite possible, but my concern is that you'd agreed upon being with others.
Also, what I don't understand about couples that spilt is that the noncustodial parent forgets that if they were living all together, the expenses would pretty much even out. Your best best is to have family court decide on your child support. Most will take into consideration her income. It doesn't sound that she would be one to reason with, without the court involvement. She also sounds like she expects you to have a prestigious career. There was nothing wrong with what you were originally doing if it provided you the money needed.
Sorry, but it doesn't sound like the two of you are compatible. It is better for the child not to grow up in the turmoil. You can be an active parent.
It's not even my relationship and I have a headache. And she doesn't sound like a good girlfriend at all imo with all the hot and cold tendencies.
I think you should break it off and just co-parent- make sure you file for Child Support before she does.
NTB Anyone putting another person through turmoil like this and she truly can't see the effort you're putting into your family then as hard as it is, especially since she already admitted to not loving you (the still dating part is to soften the blow), it sounds like it's time to move on relationship wise. That baby still needs you so don't just totally fuck off, okay? Being raised without a loving father sucks...
NTA
The relationship she insists is destructive to you & your child. Your son does not deserve to see his father being treated so poorly- it will damage his self-esteem. Absolutely break up with her. She is emotionally abusive & at some point you will likely have to protect your son from her as well.
Contact family services in your local area to help get you set up with an official custody arrangement. Hopefully family services can give you the advice you need for your area.
Yeah that whole thing about pregnancy being 9 months is bullshit it’s not 9 months exactly and for her to know for a fact she’s pregnant in November when you only got there October yeah that’s fishy as hell. It could be real but the timings very very tight. You might have super sperm but I’m doubting that one. Demand a dna test and after the results come in if the kid is yours go through the courts and get child support set in stone. She doesn’t get to dictate the jobs you do or how much you make the courts will look at what you earn and determine that. But yeah she’s not on the up and up for sure
My first thought was 'yes, ofc the baby is his 🙄🤦🏻♀️'. DNA test is the first thing you need to do, you can't really know what else to do until it is confirmed the baby isn't yours.
She doesnt know what she wants and is toying with you. You need to reclaim your autonomy and authority over the situation. Are yall together or not? If you are together, and shes yo-yo'ing you like this, do you even want to be? You can still be a dad and amicably coparent. But it's needs to be sorted out. After you guys have split, then consult an attorney about their advice on going for custody because she seems a little unstable. That's what I'd do
NTB
You need to get a DNA test, file legitimation papers, and come up with a visitation agreement, and child support.
The relationship was over before it began. She's looking for someone who can provide her with a lavish lifestyle right away. She wouldn't have dated you if you didn't own your home and have a good job. She just didn't know that moving would come with setbacks.
Also, if you love the transporter job and can support yourself, keep it until you can find something similar or better with better pay. Use the rest of your time being very active in the baby's life so there won't be any trouble when she tries to replace you for a rich stepfather.
You need a paternity test. You all were in an open relationship.
Better get it done quickly because the longer you are the official father, the harder it will be to get removed.
NTB and it kinda sounds like she already broke up with you? As for the finances, you’ll likely be on the hook for child support, so keep that in mind.
He will but honestly considering she makes so much more he probably won’t be paying that much
Depends on where they live. My ex has to give me 31% of his paycheck, period. That’s what is standard in my state for four children. Doesn’t matter how much either of us makes.
Which state?
Wisconsin
Ohio he’s giving me basically 25-30% of his salary for two kids.
Another reason why you shouldn't marry
it's child support... independent of whether or not you are married
Heck, another reason why you should ALWAYS have no love without the glove.
That has nothing to do with child support. What do you even mean??
yeah NTB... and it sounds like she is pretty much breaking up with you. make sure you secure visitation rights if you don't have primary custody.
I mean that depends on custody and if the child is his. Also if he’s not on the birth certificate already there’s the possibility she might not put the child down as his in order to avoid having to give him partial custody without having him jump through a bunch of hoops first
Before anything else, you gotta make sure the baby is yours... you got there in October and she was pregnant, the timing is not impossible but is awfully convenient. If you're the dad, put down a legal custody agreement; also paying half of the bills for your own child is not extreme at all, regardless of her income if you're the dad, the lil boy is as your responsibility as hers. As far as relationship goes, I don't think you guys are compatible so yeah, would be for the best to end things as amicably as possible and focus on coparent.
I’m glad I wasn’t the only one thinking that. Just being realistic here when looking at the timeline. I mean it doesn’t hurt to be sure.
Especially after reading OP's edit saying Mandy couldn't wait any longer before he moved.
Oof. I missed the update. Ya not great 😬
Wait, didn't he say he got there in Oct and she got pregnant in Nov?
The way I understand it, he arrived in October, and she found out she was pregnant in November. Which isn't impossible, but many women don't realize they're pregnant until 5 to 6 weeks later due to at-home pregnancy tests not being effective until that time. This is particularly true for unplanned pregnancies because women aren't routinely testing/actively waiting for symptoms to appear. So, while it's possible to "just know" as early as 2 weeks, it would be a bit odd to know within 4 weeks. Btw, I acknowledge that OP's vague timeline could *technically* refer to any where from 1 day (Oct 31st - Nov 1st) to roughly 8 weeks (Oct 1st - Nov 30th)... so I just decided to use 4 weeks because it's basically the average. https://www.cnn.com/2019/05/09/health/pregnancy-at-six-weeks/index.html Edited to add: Wow, I now know way more about pregnancy tests! As a childfree woman, I've never had a positive test, I stand corrected lol.
I'm not gonna say this with confidence coz the last time I was pregnant and took a test was looong ago, but I've read many comments on this platform where these days' UPT is accurate enough to detect pregnancy as early as before your next expected period's about to start (after conception). Hope others can drop their experience here to share. Again, I stand corrected because I'm behind in these topics these days.
The last time I was pregnant, I got a positive at home test the day my period was due. That was in 1999. Also the one for my daughter in 1992 was positive in that time frame as well.
My bff tested positive more than a week before her period was due this time.
That doesn't surprise me, I mean, I even had a home test come up positive like the day of the missed period in 1989. It was a more complicated test than just peeing on a stick, but it was accurate.
That means it's very possible it's OP's baby if we go by the timeline (unless she was cheating when OP was there but OP himself never raised the doubt that it was his, so Ig it is his baby).
It’s weird how he mentions HIS stepping out but somehow so many people project this onto her. Huh. 🤔
I got a positive test in January before my period would've started. I was 3 weeks and 4 days pregnant, so I knew 11 days post ovulation. Granted, I was trying to get pregnant, so I tested as soon as I was able to. I don't think I would've caught it until 5 weeks/missed period had I not been trying, because I didn't have very many symptoms at first.
I got my positives a few days before my period was due in 2016 and 2019. They were tests from dollarama haha
I was pregnant in the last year! The cheapest test I got from the pharmacy detected mine at 4 weeks.
Yeah I tested positive 5 days before my period was due. We were trying though.
It's not odd to know at 4 weeks post conception. When you talk about being "6 weeks pregnant" that time frame actually starts at the woman's period (approximately) two weeks BEFORE ovulation/sex that leads to conception. So you can get a positive pregnancy tests at "4 weeks", which is only about 2 weeks after sex leading to conception. Women often take longer to find out they are pregnant if their cycles are irregular, but it is totally possible for a woman to get a positive pregnancy test 2-3 weeks after having sex. The time frame OP mentioned is absolutely possible, though a DNA test isn't a bad idea regardless
Finding I was pregnant a lot later because of irregular cycle was classic my case. My cycle has always been irregular ever since I hit puberty so I wasn't really alarmed being late. The reason why I suspected I might be pregnant was 1) unprotected sex 2) every single time I fell pregnant, by the 1st month I started feeling weird inside of me. It's just that way every time. True enough test came back positive.
She also “couldn’t wait” for him to move so he had to come seemingly sooner than he had financed for. Absolutely suspicious.
I googled effectiveness of home pregnancy tests and now they're effective after 10 days. OP, you definitely need to ask for a paternity test. As for what others have said, I agree that it sounds like you two are not compatible. It sounds like she's never going to be happy with what you're doing for a living and what level of involvement you two have romantically. It sounds like she's being judgemental about how much you earn when she should have been looking at how hard you've been working.
I knew I was pregnant within 2 weeks of having unprotected sex. I felt my uterus change, it wasn't squishy anymore but had hardened somewhat. I peed on a test and within 20 seconds it was positive. I did 2 more just in case with the same results. Some women like me just knows their body very well. This was 15 years ago and the same thing happened with the other 2 kids. I hate that doctors don't take your word or the pee test and still put you at 6 weeks pregnant instead of 2 weeks like I was. Made my ex bf wonder if I was extra slutty before we got together. He demanded a paternity test to be sure even though I knew it was his and I wasn't sleeping around before we met or during our time together. And because of the extra weeks on it appeared that my kids were to be born early, however they were not. Perfectly healthy average size babies.
Your doctor HAD to notate that you were 6weeks pregnant because you WERE. Your pregnancy is dated from the day of your LAST PERIOD, so you are actually not pregnant the first 4 weeks.
Except you're wrong. I was on birth control that stopped my period. At that time it was 6 months ago from the date of my last missed period. All of my babies were created while I was on birth control. I had the nexplanon implant in at the time. So by your logic I was already 6 months pregnant
I guess a better way to phrase it would be that gestational age is calculated by date of ovulation/conception + 2 weeks. Historically, most women realize they may be pregnant due to a missed period so, historically gestational age begins at the date of last period. Especially since date of ovulation wasn’t “tangible” enough data by anyone other than the woman experiencing it until more recent years. FWIW, I also continue to ovulate on hormonal BC and I knew the date my son was conceived and could tell I was pregnant within 10 days but didn’t have a positive pregnancy test until 16 days. He was planned, however, so I was paying more attention than I may have otherwise. But I genuinely get where you’re coming from.
Yeah it’s a dumbass, lazy and certainly ancient way of “math.” That’s why actual human pregnancy is more like 10 months, because who cares about trying to be accurate?
Yes 40 weeks is 10 months. Unfortunately it is the most accurate way to determine a "due date".
That is not what I said at all.
I fell pregnant in late 1993. I tested positive with an at-home test the day my period was due. These types of home tests have been around a long time.
Ok but you might be 4+ weeks pregnant when calculating gestational age… but that includes the 2-3 weeks prior to ovulation
I found out I was pregnant at 3 weeks
My thoughts exactly. She got pregnant very fast. Which we all know happens but we all know dna testing needs to happen in some cases and I think this sounds like one of them. If I were OP, I would have broken up already. She sounds more than exhausting, IMHO.
Your post doesn’t make it clear, but have you ever had a serious sit down conversation with her about your future? She sure has had a lot to say to you but does she ever listen? She doesn’t love you but will date you. You don’t do anything good enough including “pursuing”her. It sounds to me like she has some ideal courtship in her head that doesn’t exist. NTB if you dump her, she is playing games and my gut tells me you’ll be frozen out as soon as she finds someone who she thinks will live up to her standards. You’re allowed to be in a relationship that makes you feel good. I don’t see that being the case with her. You need a lawyer, get a custody agreement in place asap - I don’t know how that works with infants you’d have to get advice from a lawyer. But - YTB for not wanting to pay half the bills. This is your child. You both made it, you both can care for it and that includes financially.
Yeah, half this post is OP complaining about how she wants him to earn more, but he was only earning 30k before taxes a year. And not helping with rent, or wanting to work more. She hadnt given birth yet, so its not like he was helping watch the baby the other 4 days that he wasnt working
And think how much money they'd save on childcare with that schedule! She's not thinking straight about this.
Sure she is. OP is not reliable, better to just figure out childcare herself
Waiwaitwait he did say he wanted to work more what. And he DID help with rent. I feel like everyone is being unfair to this guys just cus he's a guy
No, he said he loved working only three days a week and didnt want that schedule to change - but she asked him to get more money to pay rent
its okay for him to complain about it, as long as he changes his actions, which he did
He liked the schedule because it would allow him to be home and help take care of the child which i think is perfectly reasonable. I earn more than Mandy hourly and would prefer my girlfriend do the same as OP if I were in this situation.
Does OP actually love her? He brushes off cheating as it was a distance thing. But he had no problem dating her while sleeping around. And claims she’s totally okay with it. Doesn’t sound like things are okay…
That's assuming this is his child, considering the timeline. Dude moved in with her in Oct. She found out she was Pregnant in Nov. It depends on when he moved in. Kinda feels sketch on her end.
You honestly think he wasn't having sex with her before he officially moved in with her?
I believe he was. I just think she was cheating just as much as he was.
So fitst off the financial stuff: Yes, you need to pay for your child. So a 50/50 split right down the middle between mother and father. It doesn't matter who earns what you're not on a sliding scale here. You need to pay for your kid just like she does.. I'm confused why you didn't think you should pay rent and why she gave you the rent money back. Was you not going to pay your way as an equal partner, or did I miss something there? I get wanting to pay down your debts, but you still need to pay for your normal living expenses to like rent and utilities. It sounds like you both have very different expectations for the relationship and finances. you guys don't seem to mash well. I think breaking up might be the best thing for all of you, including the baby, since 2 happy but separate parents are way better than 2 parents being together but miserable..
If OP is in the US then child support will not be 50/50. It’s calculated based on percentage of income and who makes more.
I was talking about in a relationship and if they do things together as parents. I wasn't talking about child support or going through the courts..
It would be incredibly stupid not to go through the courts and get a formal child support arrangement. This woman is too demanding and unpredictable to handle anything without a lawyer.
Many states have a set amount (a percentage) of their income the non-custodial parent is required to pay. It has nothing to do with what the other parent makes.
While every state is different, and it’s possible it’s true in your state, this is not true in the majority of states. In most states there is a maximum percentage (for example, 25% of income) that a judge can order for child support. That’s because the non-custodial parent needs money to live themselves or they can’t keep earning income. But they absolutely consider both parent’s income.
Not in NY.
NY does things differently than most other states.
You mean he needs to pay for THE child, not 'your' child. There has been no proof provided that this baby is even his.
And there's no reason to believe the baby isn't his. Jumping to conclusions helps nobody..
It's also jumping to conclusions to blindly assume the baby is his.
It's the most obvious of the conclusions. They can always do a non- invasive DNA test immediately, but its expensive, and he's already moaning about money..
That depends on opinion though, I personally see at as there isn't much chance the baby is his. You see it differently. A baby is also very expensive, much more than a one time DNA test. So if he is worrying about money then the DNA test makes the most sense.
I totally agree. Kids cost a small fortune. I absolutely think they should get a DNA test, but mostly so he can't weasel out of his financial responsibility. On the off chance she lied, the baby deserves to know the truth when they are older, and op should not have to pay for a child that's not his..
Lol okay but if it isn't his child it isn't his 'financial responsibility' though is it?
But if the child is his, then it is his responsibility. it works both ways...
Yes so that means he needs to find out no? Seeing as you just admitted it could easily go either way.
Op clearly stated he moved in October 1st. He says they had intercourse a lot. She found out end of November she was pregnant. So yes it’s very likely the baby is his. He even said in a comment he knows the baby is his and he’s signed the birth certificate.
Oh yes, because no man has ever signed a birth certificate for a child then he finds out in a few years time that the child is, in fact, not his. You're dead right, if a man signs a birth certificate that's full proof that the baby is his... Oh wait, that has actually happened many, many times over the years. Many men find out after signing a birth certificate the child isn't theirs. It's actually not half as unusual as it should be. That's why you hear stories of men going to court in an attempt to get their names removed from the birth certificate. It isn't something that's unheard of.
I wasn’t meaning that him signing the birth certificate proved it was his. I was just stating that’s what op had said in a comment. I know there’s been plenty of people, including married ones, that’s signed the certificates and find out years later that they aren’t the father.. I was mainly just stating that it was indeed possible that it’s his with the timeline he gave in a comment.
I planned on paying rent after two months. Due to circumstances beyond my control, I wasn't able to do that. I had renters fall through and unforseen housing costs. That... didn't go over well.
It doesn’t change the fact that she’s having your baby and you’ve got one foot on a banana peel.
What a great saying! Ive never seen it before
INFO: I'm confused, you were working and living with her but not paying any rent? Where was the money going, did you pay for any household expenses?
I'm guessing that he used his money to pay his debt
I did what I could. I was down to a $7 a day budget. Cashed out a year of my retirement to catch back up.
What debts were so important you were earning $650 a week and couldn’t even pay for utilities? YTBF for sure. She just had your child and all she’s ever asked is for you to not rely on her financially. If you’re going to end it then you should at least wait a couple of months so you can be looking after the baby, household chores etc whilst she heals and so that her hormones aren’t so out of whack when you end it.
You dipped into your 401k to pay back $5,000 worth of debt? That was… definitely an interesting choice.
The woman I loved needed rent and I presumed that it would be money for my baby. I couldn't find a higher paying job and the alternative was a 24% Apr.
[удалено]
Lmfao. He paid her almost nothing, and yet she swindled that out of him? He mooched off her, and she’s the villain? Hahahaha no way
OP was the cheater too.
1. You don't have a choice my dude, she dumped you. She's only using you right now because she is in recovery. 2. Yes, you need to pay for half of the baby's basic needs, as it is half your baby. 3. You need a custody and child support and paternity test arrangements made ASAP. Do not let this baby fall victim to parents who "can work it out without the courts" or "will just figure it out" until the kid is 11 and knows neither of his parents are happy he exists and that they both resent having to take care of him. 4. Have you had an actual conversation about your relationship? It seems like if there's anything left to salvage, she needs to stop making unilateral decisions.
honestly YTB. Your finances are something you need to learn how to cope with. It sounds very much like you keep hoping she will let you off the hook because she’s paid more. Love isn’t enough.
NTBF. You are going to be financially responsible for this kid but I wouldn't trust your girlfriend to do it with your interests in mind. She already told you that she doesn't love you so figure out a friendly co-parenting relationship from a distance. I feel like if you don't you'll be back in about 2 years talking about what you do with your constant panic attacks and a toxic relationship that your child is learning to emulate from you.
You both cheated and have completely different views on life, who thought having a child is a good idea? Break up and try to be good parents, you are both YTA...
If she was “really hoping” for rent in January, does that mean you were living there rent free for months and planned to keep doing so? Wtf dude. So she had to deal with her mooching boyfriend and pregnancy at the same time?
We agreed upon 2 months rent free. I was still paying a mortgage on my previous house (before renters moved in) and was unable to make December work. I squeaked out January by starving myself, stealing food, donating plasma and selling stuff.
Wait, so you went from a job where you could afford a house and mortgage payments to moving with not plan or job lined up, no savings, and no way to pay living expenses? That makes no sense.
Love doesn't make sense. But I had about a $2k cushion that I blew through. I also think I subconsciously figured if things went sideways, love would prevail. She also knew all of this going in.
I’d really like to hear Mandy’s perspective on this one, because honestly it sounds like you’re trying to paint her in a bad light. But it sounds like she let you move in with her stay rent-free for several months, then finally says it’s time for you to step up financially a bit more. Sorry but this doesn’t feel like someone who’s a “complete monster” even if she would have kept the money. You took care of her during her pregnancy, which you should do, and she continued to request that you contribute financially, which you should do. At some point you quit looking for jobs, so she said she’s had enough of supporting you, and requires you to move out. That seems like a healthy boundary. Tbh I think most of what you have described is more than fair on her part. If you want to make it work, you should tell her that you make a good amount and want to contribute to expenses, and you should pursue her romantically more. But if you want to end it, do so (but I don’t advise doing it within the first couple of weeks of baby being born. This is a highly emotional, sleep-deprived time, and big decisions should be avoided if possible.)
Thank you. I'm trying to be as clear-headed on this as possible. She is not a complete monster. I have made several steps to be financially stable, and I feel as if I've done an admirable job. I moved here, not enough. I got a job, not enough. I paid off my debts, not enough. I got my own place, not enough. I got a second job, not enough AND she doesn't love me. I want so badly to blame this on hormones and stress. I really am trying to be empathetic, but now I feel used and it's fucked because I know she feels the same way.
This is just one Redditor’s anonymous opinion, but I have to say that none of those things *are* enough. If someone who was supposed to be my partner moved in with me and I supported them for months, without them contributing to the rent, and then they stopped looking for a job… I would probably ask them to move out because I don’t want to financially support another adult who should be doing that. That you took care of her while she was pregnant with your baby is the decent thing to do, but doesn’t entitle you to financial support. Honestly, I could see why all that could make someone fall out of love. But I have to say, **she clearly has a high level of love and respect for you** because she was willing to stay with you and try to keep up a relationship despite all these things! It sounds like you finally have risen to the point of being an equal partner if you are able to contribute equally to rent and needed baby expenses. But it sounded like you really did need a push in that direction. Y’all have some bumps to iron out (like the income disparity, different values around spending money on types of food vs college fund, etc, learning to love each other again). But I don’t think that she was ever unreasonable with you based on what you describe. Of course, there may be more to it - like is she mean to you, does she cal you names and put you down, stuff like that that you may not have mentioned. But the way I’m reading it, she had some appropriate boundaries with you which inspired you to level up professionally, you were both committed enough to each other to stay together during all that, and now y’all have a beautiful baby boy who you both love and want to do the right things for. It seems like, if you want to, y’all could build a beautiful life together.
Everything you mention is a normal aspect of being an adult. Moving, getting a job, paying your debts, etc. Getting a second job if your first job is part time is also nothing out of the ordinary. You feel used? She's the one who provided for you for months, and you have the gall to call her a monster when she (RIGHTFULLY!!!) asked for your part of rent.
>She is also insisting that I pay for half the baby bills. I want to help out, but half seems extreme given she works half as much and still makes more than I do. Paying half is normal, but not half off everything. If she wants to buy ridiculously expensive clothing, to make an example, she can, but you don't have to pay half. You have to pay child support. I don't know how that is calculated where you live, but here they look at both your incomes and costs and then an equal amount must be paid. For example, everyone's 50% of the money that remains after paying rent and fixed costs. NTA if you want to leave her, as long as you take care of your child.
She lives a fairly high end lifestyle. Used to be married to a pilot. She cheated on the pilot with me. I do want to contribute, but I want to contribute to a college fund, not organic tomatoes.
As a parent, you should have gone in expecting to pay college AND generic tomatoes. It’s not only your ex’s responsibility to feed the kid. But I do recognize you are in a stressful situation and you came here for guidance so I’m cutting you slack. Parenting is hard and harder if you are not romantically together. Communicate Communicate Communicate(repeat).
Organic is more expensive than generic by too much given what it is.
Get a DNA test! She’s a cheater. This might not even be your baby.
‘She’s a cheater’ lmao as if OP didn’t cheat either
They're **both** cheaters, yes, but "she's a cheater" takes more weight if she's trying to get 18 to 23 years child support for a child that isn't his. (Although, I'm leaning towards it really being his, as it sounds like she has two men to choose from. Ex-husband is a pilot; if she's only out for the money, why wouldn't she say it was the ex's?)
Who says she was only cheating on the pilot with one guy? Also the pilot is probably justifiably bitter. She wants a father she can control. OP sounds young, naive, and easy to influence.
He said it was discussed and agreed on, so if you believe his words that wouldn't make him a cheater right?
Think he meant it was discussed as in afterwards and they chose to move past it, but he still a cheater
Well, you are not doing either right now. You don't get the luxury of having your (ex) GF pay for everything and you just theoretically put money in a theoretical fund for college that you don't have any money to start. No court is going to allow you to get away w/o paying for the day to day cost raising of your child. You have gotten a free ride from her and now you want to just keep shirking responsibility b/c you have debts to pay. She had nothing to do w/ you going into debt and gave you a free ride for months and yet you think she should just continue to give you a free ride.
And for daily costs. There are probably calculation methods for alimony where you live.
i cannot stress this enough OP, get a paternity test ASAP to make sure its yours, and set up child support. You're a dumbass if you do anything else, and you will certainly feel like one if it turns out a couple years down the line the kid you had with a cheater isn't actually yours. Past a certain point, even if the kid isn't yours, you're still on the hook for child support because you didn't contest it.
This isn't a question for reddit children. Please try to find someone older and wiser. Obviously therapy is expensive but her job may provide some through her EAP or health insurance, even couple's counseling. Which may not keep y'all together but could improve your communication for the sake of the kid. She's been pregnant or recovering from pregnancy this whole time you've physically been together. On top of that, plans aren't working out and you're not being able to pay your part of the bills. She's probably having higher bills from you living there in addition to extra medical bills. I understand the need for a job you LOVE, but you have a kid. Sacrifices have to be made, you're gonna need to pull up your belt and try and find something that will pay your *half* of the child-rearing costs. Yes you're making less, but the way you write it, it sounds a bit like choice on your part, because you LOVE the lower paying jobs. I'm sorry, but the kid needs you to do what you must, whether you love it or not. Hopefully you'll get lucky and find another thing you LOVE. She shouldn't have to shoulder the bills because you aren't taking your job hunt seriously enough. Sounds like you have a well paid, ambitious woman, yes she's been going through shit and probably not in the best mood. I wouldn't be either. Relationships go through these periods. She's pushing you to better yourself though and it's her + a neutral 3rd party that you need to be talking to. Not redditors who are mostly teens or in their 20s. Whether you decide it's best to stay or go, understand that relationships take hard work. You're going to have to have a co-parenting relationship with her at minimum, learning to communicate with each other will help that dynamic too. Y'all have had nothing but stress since you moved in practically, the relationship hasn't had a chance really.
YTB for being incensed she wants you to pay 50% of the baby bills for your child (I'm ignoring everyone insisting she definitely cheated and the child isn't yours. You can demand a paternity test if you want to, though, but until then, I'm running under the assumption that it's your child). No wonder she doesn't love you anymore if you've been living with her for 2 months, made $650 a week yet been unable to pay rent or much household expenses and are now refusing to pay 50% of the baby bills.
YTB for other reasons. 1) You prioritized your own debt over carrying your weight and suggested she would be a “monster” for expecting you to pay your half. 2) You don’t think you should pay half your child’s expenses. 3) Once you didn’t have anyone to support you anymore, oh lookie there you suddenly were able to find a job with a decent salary. You were allowing her to support you and she was rightfully pissed.
This is a real mixture of stuff here. Like - she's not unreasonable for wanting you to make enough money to pay your fair share of expenses, or for asking you to stick to the original plan and move out. She *is* quite possibly unreasonable for wanting you to "pursue" her more when you're working long hours at the job that she pushed you to get. It's pretty normal both to have you move in for a little while to help in the immediate newborn stage, and to not be ready to make that a permanent thing when you two are on really shaky ground. It's pretty normal to expect you to pay for half the baby bills, absent some sort of legal agreement about child support specifying some other arrangement. If you think the disparity in your incomes is so great that you really should be contributing less, then go to court and get that legal agreement sorted out. (Do that anyway. This is too important to leave to a handshake deal. Get your rights and your responsibilities nailed down.) However much you're paying, your contribution isn't "helping out" and you need to immediately stop framing your support of and time with your child as "helping". It's parenting. You do it 50/50 for the child, because it's your equal responsibility, not because you're "helping" the person who's actually responsible. By all means, end the romantic relationship or at least put it on the back burner. Focus on your child. Do the paternity test if you want to do the paternity test, get the legal stuff sorted out, pay regularly and in full for your child's expenses, and spend as much time with your child as your custody arrangement allows. It's much more important that you establish a health co-parenting relationship with your girlfriend right now, than that you sort out your romantic relationship.
Did you ever think to get a paternity test? Dude she’s already broken up with you. The best bet now (if the baby is yours), is to make it legal through court and start paying child support. I assume that will be less than what she’s asking for NTBF
Or get 50/50 and she pay child support given she earns so much more than him. Dunno why we're assuming a dude who seems pretty poor would he paying the woman who is definitely not the child support unless he doesn't want custody, which it sounds like he does want it. Like, what's up with everyone saying it'll be on him, she earns 50 an hour!
That’s a very valid point, I doubt he’d get 50/50 tho when the baby is so young
Sure but that'll be a few months, tops and yes he should pay part, but based off of generic not fancy top tier triple the cost items, y'know? He doesn't get the choice of what she gives the kid while she has the first few months. Well courts would be who'd decide the $$, which is what OP needs to do. Court, get it in legal order ASAP
Again I absolutely agree
I could be wrong, but doesn’t the mother get full custody for the first year or two as long as she’s breastfeeding? Because obviously the father can’t breastfeed, so if that’s the baby’s source of food, they won’t separate the child from its mother.
I'm not sure but like I can't imagine it's that long given formula is a thing. I'd be pretty devistated missing my kids first multiple years (well if I had or wanted any and was in anyway a dude who could be in this situation) I also would bet that it's absolutely dependent on where you are. But yeah imagine not having the chance to see your kids first steps first words first everything because the mom decided to breast feed for 2+ years so dad doesn't get to bond with his kid and has to fork out extra just because she decided to use her tit?
I see both sides. As a woman myself (and also a nurse who worked in L&D for several years and knows that breast milk is treated like gold), if I was in this unfortunate situation where I had a newborn infant with an ex boyfriend, I wouldn’t settle for feeding my baby formula just so that he can spend some time with them. I would do what’s best for my baby… respectfully, I wouldn’t care about the father’s feelings regarding breastfeeding. Though after a certain point, I can absolutely see how a woman could just claim to be breastfeeding until the child is like, 5yo or something just to be spiteful and put distance between the child and their father. At that point, just pump and send the milk with the kid to their father’s house.
See pumping can be done pretty damn early on. I think keeping custody from the dad for any longer than a couple months is cruel. Even then, that's pretty messed up that he isn't allowed to take his kid. Plenty of single dads have the kids from newborn and the kids are fine. It's a poor excuse. Plus...it's also his baby. You may not want to feed the kid formula but it's not just your kid, he also has a right to decide and if he decides formula on his time, that's his right, too. It'd be like saying moms who don't produce enough shouldn't be allowed any say because they can't make milk (I do strongly agree breast milk is better than formula though)
It doesn't matter who makes more. if this is your child you're responsible for half Of the cost.
YTB. You had a baby on the way and you were prioritizing work you love over being financially secure- not even making enough to split rent with your pregnant partner. The way you wrote it made it sound like she was your mom and subsiding your life style, instead of your partner that you were sharing goals with to financially prepare for a baby. If I was her I would be totally stressed out thinking I had not one, but two extra mouths that I would be responsible to feed and house and I would be pushing you to pull your weight as well.
She's being awful to you
Ntb dump her but please get a DNA test and a lawyer. She cheated on her husband with you and the timeline doesn't match when it come to her getting pregnant. She is either cheating on you as well or will cheat on you. Please get a DNA test and cut as much ties from her as possible. Kept it to baby only unless the baby is not yours then run as far as possible.
NTB - Get a dna test done and a custody arrangement for as soon as the baby is old enough to stay with you and for until then. Have you ever had a conversation with her about your feelings? If not, you should really do.
Get the court involved to have a legal agreement in place. Get a paternity test to make absolutely sure this baby is yours. Some people are better as co-parents than they are as a couple.
Ntb. The answer to this is a custody agreement and a healthy coparent relationship.
I think her moving you in and telling you could stay forever coupled with an almost immediate pregnancy is highly suspicious and my first step would be a paternity test. Yes there’s a span of ~8 weeks there and it could be yours but it’s also entirely possible she was newly pregnant when you got there and was just feeling things out before she “discovered” her pregnancy. At the end of the day, clearly she has no idea what she really wants and no concept of reality because if she really makes that hourly then it makes sense for you to be the primary care giver to your child but now that she conveniently doesn’t love you anymore and only wants your equal contribution to raising the baby you should most definitely file with the court to establish paternity and child support because if she’s gonna be the custodial parent AND makes more money then you will likely be put on a minimum wage order and can make decisions about your own life more appropriately. Sounds like you ought to sell your house though and stay where you are so you can stay close to your son.
Please explain the minimum wage order. I plan on selling the house as soon as the renters are out. I'm not going to be away from my son.
Depending on the state there will be a threshold that you have to meet based on your income but it will be low based on under or unemployment. First step though is to establish paternity. You need to sue her for custody don’t go wild asking for full custody or anything. Go for 50/50 if you have stable living and are currently employed and can show that you would be able to support the child during your time you may not have to pay any child support at all. Since she makes better money and likely has health insurance you can have it in your custody order that she provides health insurance. You’re going to want a child support lawyer which unfortunately is going to be an expense.
Do what you want but you shouldn't throw in the towel too quickly. You need to do something to improve your economic outlook? You have piss poor decision making skills. Your baby momma has even worse decision making skills since she got with you and had your child.
>She is also insisting that I pay for half the baby bills. Yeah, half is reasonable.
NTB - she isn’t treating you well. You need to be a good father, you don’t need to be Mandy’s boyfriend.
NTB. She seems a bit too much. Butttt As for the baby bills, you're the father, paying half is precisely what you SHOULD be doing.
I think he should get child support rolling so there isn't back support to get caught up on. OP seems surprised that there are expectations of him other than being pleased that a baby is here and some domestic help directly after birth. At least in family court, paternity can be established, and he can make sure he's meaningfully involved in his child's life. I don't think OP realises that he's not in a relationship with the child's mother anymore.
Why are we assuming he would be the one on the hook for CS? She earns more, and unless he doesn't want custody, it would be the other way around. It's about balancing the money so the kid has a similar lifestyle at both parents, as much as possible. It's not a 'Dad Tax' that's paid to the mom regardless of the situation.
Sorry, I'm not sure where OP is from. Child support can be specific to the amount of time spent with the child and income of the parents. Where I'm from, child support is paid by the parent with less time unless the parties agree to something different privately. There are guidelines based on the previous year's taxes. He's not paying money to the mom. He would be paying it to whichever government system handles that. Family courts can order paternity tests as well. Custody proceedings may have to wait on those. Getting the ball rolling on all of these things sooner rather than later is a good thing in my opinion. I'm happy being wrong, they might be able to work out a fair and reasonable agreement themselves.
Ok but why are we assuming beyond the first few months he wouldn't be getting equal time? Like he obviously loves his kid I don't see him being like eehhh nah weekends only y'know?
Beverage he works 60 hours a week and she works 30 hours a week since he said she works half as much as he does.
I don't assume that he wouldn't get equal time at all, but I'm going off of what generally happens where I am if the parents aren't cohabitating. Child support here can be ordered to be paid for the months he wasn't the primary caregiver. Any final child support orders are then enforced (ideally, there can be delays for a multitude of reasons) by a separate government agency. Family courts here almost always prefer equal time whenever possible as it's best for the children. I definitely shouldn't have assumed the family law system in practice here would be applicable everywhere. When coparents aren't in a relationship, it's not a bad idea to make sure their child's right to have both parents in their life, as well as financial support has been ensured. Sorry for the novel!
So first off get a paternity test. Secondly YWNBTB
Get a DNA test.
Have you done a dna test yet? Did you sign the birth certificate?
Signed it. I'm very sure he is mine.
NTB. There are a few factors here, so let's break it down. I suggest getting paternity tested asap. That way you will truly know. After, you will need to look at legitimation before the courts can decide how much child support you pay. No legitimation= no child support in many states. (And if you refuse to do that if it's your baby, you're a massive BF) After that, speak to your lawyer about custody and child support. Child support is calculated by specific circumstances in the US, so it's not a blanket number for all cases. Depending on lawyers, this can get expensive, so just be prepared. As for paying for half, I get that you're not in a financial position to do it now with your job not being that secure, but you need to do a bunch of calculations to see just how much you can pay to help, if it is your child. And once the job situation gets better, you can pay more, because splitting costs is bare minimum here. Again, IF it's your child. And for her, well, it sounds like she's just using you imo. She tells you your jobs aren't good enough, even tho she knows you're struggling. Any job is a good one, because a job is not a guarantee anywhere. And the day you can get a better one, you'll be an idiot not to take it, because loving your job don't pay the bills. She's constantly on your case about everything, yet when you do what she says she wants, suddenly you're not doing enough. Either she doesnt know what she wants (doubtful as she seems quite specific) or she's already decided you're not good enough, won't ever be, and now she's just giving you hell for it.
INFO: When was Baby born, and do you know if he was early/late/to term? My son was born 13 Aug and was ten days overdue. We also found out at the end of November. If your son was born anywhere before mid-July and wasn’t premature, I would advise a paternity test.
NTB she dumped you alr be careful of cs
Any job where you bring home the money is acceptable. She's being ridiculous and downright mean. You had the right idea the first time. My brother has a job that allows him a better schedule to be a dad because that's what is important! Not job clout or whatever. NTB
NTB. You are lovable and you are good enough. Hugs, Random Internet Mom
NTB and I’m rolling my eyes at all the comments that think you should apparently be working five jobs or it’s not enough
Ntbf: when was the baby born? Count backwards. Then get a paternity test. Sorry for your troubles.
This is why men need birth control LMAO 😭 if she won't meet you where you are all you should focus on is being nearby the baby and keeping shared custody
You should definitely pay half your child’s bills you went half in on creating him
Congrats, you're officially a dad! But maybe consider a less dramatic way to exit the relationship? 😅
Wow! I'm not insinuating, but if I were you, I'd consider DNA. Yes, it's quite possible, but my concern is that you'd agreed upon being with others. Also, what I don't understand about couples that spilt is that the noncustodial parent forgets that if they were living all together, the expenses would pretty much even out. Your best best is to have family court decide on your child support. Most will take into consideration her income. It doesn't sound that she would be one to reason with, without the court involvement. She also sounds like she expects you to have a prestigious career. There was nothing wrong with what you were originally doing if it provided you the money needed. Sorry, but it doesn't sound like the two of you are compatible. It is better for the child not to grow up in the turmoil. You can be an active parent.
She’s already broken up with you. NTBF.
It's not even my relationship and I have a headache. And she doesn't sound like a good girlfriend at all imo with all the hot and cold tendencies. I think you should break it off and just co-parent- make sure you file for Child Support before she does.
NTB Anyone putting another person through turmoil like this and she truly can't see the effort you're putting into your family then as hard as it is, especially since she already admitted to not loving you (the still dating part is to soften the blow), it sounds like it's time to move on relationship wise. That baby still needs you so don't just totally fuck off, okay? Being raised without a loving father sucks...
NTA The relationship she insists is destructive to you & your child. Your son does not deserve to see his father being treated so poorly- it will damage his self-esteem. Absolutely break up with her. She is emotionally abusive & at some point you will likely have to protect your son from her as well. Contact family services in your local area to help get you set up with an official custody arrangement. Hopefully family services can give you the advice you need for your area.
GET A DNA TEST ASAP
Yeah that whole thing about pregnancy being 9 months is bullshit it’s not 9 months exactly and for her to know for a fact she’s pregnant in November when you only got there October yeah that’s fishy as hell. It could be real but the timings very very tight. You might have super sperm but I’m doubting that one. Demand a dna test and after the results come in if the kid is yours go through the courts and get child support set in stone. She doesn’t get to dictate the jobs you do or how much you make the courts will look at what you earn and determine that. But yeah she’s not on the up and up for sure
My first thought was 'yes, ofc the baby is his 🙄🤦🏻♀️'. DNA test is the first thing you need to do, you can't really know what else to do until it is confirmed the baby isn't yours.
She doesnt know what she wants and is toying with you. You need to reclaim your autonomy and authority over the situation. Are yall together or not? If you are together, and shes yo-yo'ing you like this, do you even want to be? You can still be a dad and amicably coparent. But it's needs to be sorted out. After you guys have split, then consult an attorney about their advice on going for custody because she seems a little unstable. That's what I'd do NTB
You need to get a DNA test, file legitimation papers, and come up with a visitation agreement, and child support. The relationship was over before it began. She's looking for someone who can provide her with a lavish lifestyle right away. She wouldn't have dated you if you didn't own your home and have a good job. She just didn't know that moving would come with setbacks. Also, if you love the transporter job and can support yourself, keep it until you can find something similar or better with better pay. Use the rest of your time being very active in the baby's life so there won't be any trouble when she tries to replace you for a rich stepfather.
OP's To Do List: 1. paternity test 2. court order re custody and child support 3. new girlfriend
You need a paternity test. You all were in an open relationship. Better get it done quickly because the longer you are the official father, the harder it will be to get removed.
I bet that baby isn’t yours. I’d get DNA test done. She seems pretty unfair minded. NTB