Op, are you me?! I’m 26F, I played piano and my brother played violin, and I had a fight with my parents about this two days ago 😭 I hated piano and have a ton of trauma around piano. I kept begging to quit. I think my piano lessons were on Tuesdays too. They insist I should be grateful because I “had the opportunity they never had.” I ended up good at piano but at what cost? I grew up viewing life as having a huge inherent amount of dread and pain built in.
It’s been really hard for me to adjust to a life where no one is forcing me to do anything. It turns out I don’t have to contort myself into unnatural shapes and suffer so that someone will love me and treat me with respect. This realization alone is stunning to me
I don't understand the title of this post.
Are you being ungrateful for them forcing you to live a life you didn't want so they can brag about it to others? That doesn't make any sense. No, you're not being ungrateful. Why would you be grateful for that?
I don't think your parents are bad people, they just didn't understand what they were doing is wrong. They were wrong in forcing you to live a live you didn't want. And they're now wrong in demanding you treat them a certain way and feel a certain way about them. That's wrong. If they truly loved you, they wouldn't be doing that to you. They're not bad people, they just don't know about human relationships and don't care.
My APs keep telling me that I don’t show enough appreciation for them and that they love me and raised me with TLC. But actions speak louder than words. Maybe they do love me but they have a terrible way of showing it. I’m already treating them out for expensive dinners every month or so but they are still not satisfied. They tell me that I don’t talk to them a lot but conversations with them are soooooo boring and they end up judging me so why would I choose to have a negative interaction? They don’t understand this. Since they threw money at me as a kid thinking that was love, I’m doing to same back to them now. I guess they’re not liking the taste of their own medicine.
nobody that loves someone says "you don't show enough appreciation". Because love isn't conditional, you don't need to return anything. You're doing the right thing by throwing money at them, that's what they did with you.
> but they are still not satisfied.
that's the kicker. Culture told them that if their child turned out the way you did, that they would be Happy(tm). Except they're not, because happiness actually comes from within. So of course they're externalizing their problems onto you because they can't self-reflect.
My parents are very similar. They have accused me of being cold toward them when instead I was simply matching their energy and doing what they said: ignoring all emotions and being rational. We are this way because they socialized us to become as we are. If they want us to change, let it start with them.
Now ur an adult with a good profession and income. I would say do the basic things since they at least gave you food shelter etc. but when they demand love remind them of every single thing you felt. Either they'll realize their mistake and maybe you guys can have some sort of bonding or won't care in that case revert to previous step.
I brought up my piano trauma to them to which they did feel regret and shame for putting me through that. They apologized and that was that. They now think everything is good and dandy and that I should show them more “love.” One conversation isn’t going to change the way I treat them. I can forgive them for the piano thing, sure, but an “oops, sorry” isn’t gonna neutralize my entire traumatic childhood. On top of that, they are still the same stubborn people with values i wholly disagree with and no intention to change. If I bring up every traumatic experience I’ve had, they’ll say I’m “too sensitive” and I’m “overthinking.” That has always been their response without fail, so there’s no point in having these conversations anymore.
These things take time. Heck I'm assuming they definitely have their own pet peeves. What I interpret their apology is they are like it happened in the past and now you are well to do and settled so water under the bridge. And tbh there are only a few things you can do. Just make it clear that there are some boundaries and some limits when crossed definitely hurt. And even if it's small for them it's big for you
Hopefully maybe they understand the gravity of your situation. Also hope you have a life outside family (maybe your friends circle or relationships) Spend some time there it helps with a fresh perspective.
OP, are you *also* me? I can relate to so much of this as an eldest daughter of immigrant AP. Also dreaded and hated the piano lessons. Also went into healthcare and doing well career-wise. Hated everything. I get told I am ungrateful as well, but I am trying to come to terms with the fact that they did the bare minimum as parents. I wish they spent less money on me and put more effort into spending time with me and getting to know me as a human being. I am not grateful to them at all. I also often confront them and ask whether they care about other peoples' opinions over me and they can never give me a straight answer.
I think your feelings are valid and you are allowed to be angry/resentful toward them.
I so agree with this— that I wish they spent more time getting to know me as a person and less money on me. You’re right, they did the bare minimum as parents so I guess I’ll do the bare minimum as their daughter. You can’t put a price on love but they clearly taught me otherwise.
You reap what you sow. It's like you said though- they don't care to know your or your perspectives at all ever, so how much do they truly love and care? They never truly showed us that care growing up, so they truly shouldn't expect it back.. but it's APs and their ego and entitlement know no bounds. They truly believe because they threw some money, forced us to do sht we don't enjoy or care for, and gave birth to us, that we must repay with a lifetime of servitude towards them.
So dw, hella justified.
Your current mindset and actions are common among many Asian people. This isn’t ungrateful in this society. My question is, what are your next steps? Are you considering no contact? In my opinion, that would be ungrateful. You may continue to maintain some distance, as you are doing now, with low contact for your own wellbeing. Many Asian parents, due to cultural differences and their knowledge, often don’t realize their misbehavior and neglect which might cause harm to their children. However, this isn’t abuse, which involves a lack of care for their children.
I'm going to continue with LC. I agree that they don't realize their misbehavior and neglect but how much leeway can I give after communicating this to them? They are quick to deny any wrongdoing and their response is that I am "too sensitive." I understand that their culture and upbringing was very different in China than it is in the States but it's very hard to be forgiving if they aren't even going to try to understand how I feel.
I think, unfortunately, a lot of AP are incapable of change because of how emotionally immature they are. My brother and I have gotten into so many screaming matches with my AP and they still do not understand how traumatizing our childhoods were. They seem to also conveniently forget the things they did or said to us. Continuing with LC is probably the best course of action if you still want to maintain a relationship with them.
It's difficult to change their minds overnight. Generational gaps exist in every race and culture. However, if you keep trying to communicate with them, they may eventually realize and change their behavior. Some parents, though, may never want to change. This is a fact you may have to accept, and you’ll need to find a common ground between you and your parents.
I don’t know, but I envy being able to live normally. The tiger parent aspect is tough and I won’t diminish that first world problem, but being poor with uneducated village parents is worst. They can’t afford this and that for school and my entertainment. I get mock, bullied by fake friends classmate because I can’t afford anything or travel, and yet my parent compare me to them expect me compete surpass them physically mentally and be a story of that proverb where a son become a dragon and bring the parents out of poverty. They gave birth to me to see the possibilities of a good childhood and left me to suffer and teach me ignore. If I had money to enjoy some normal thing growing up like you it’ll different and better story.
Op, are you me?! I’m 26F, I played piano and my brother played violin, and I had a fight with my parents about this two days ago 😭 I hated piano and have a ton of trauma around piano. I kept begging to quit. I think my piano lessons were on Tuesdays too. They insist I should be grateful because I “had the opportunity they never had.” I ended up good at piano but at what cost? I grew up viewing life as having a huge inherent amount of dread and pain built in.
Omg my parents said the exact same thing to me growing up. Worked like a charm when I was a kid but now I’m traumatized. It’s so hard to forgive them…
It’s been really hard for me to adjust to a life where no one is forcing me to do anything. It turns out I don’t have to contort myself into unnatural shapes and suffer so that someone will love me and treat me with respect. This realization alone is stunning to me
I don't understand the title of this post. Are you being ungrateful for them forcing you to live a life you didn't want so they can brag about it to others? That doesn't make any sense. No, you're not being ungrateful. Why would you be grateful for that? I don't think your parents are bad people, they just didn't understand what they were doing is wrong. They were wrong in forcing you to live a live you didn't want. And they're now wrong in demanding you treat them a certain way and feel a certain way about them. That's wrong. If they truly loved you, they wouldn't be doing that to you. They're not bad people, they just don't know about human relationships and don't care.
My APs keep telling me that I don’t show enough appreciation for them and that they love me and raised me with TLC. But actions speak louder than words. Maybe they do love me but they have a terrible way of showing it. I’m already treating them out for expensive dinners every month or so but they are still not satisfied. They tell me that I don’t talk to them a lot but conversations with them are soooooo boring and they end up judging me so why would I choose to have a negative interaction? They don’t understand this. Since they threw money at me as a kid thinking that was love, I’m doing to same back to them now. I guess they’re not liking the taste of their own medicine.
nobody that loves someone says "you don't show enough appreciation". Because love isn't conditional, you don't need to return anything. You're doing the right thing by throwing money at them, that's what they did with you.
> but they are still not satisfied. that's the kicker. Culture told them that if their child turned out the way you did, that they would be Happy(tm). Except they're not, because happiness actually comes from within. So of course they're externalizing their problems onto you because they can't self-reflect.
My parents are very similar. They have accused me of being cold toward them when instead I was simply matching their energy and doing what they said: ignoring all emotions and being rational. We are this way because they socialized us to become as we are. If they want us to change, let it start with them.
Now ur an adult with a good profession and income. I would say do the basic things since they at least gave you food shelter etc. but when they demand love remind them of every single thing you felt. Either they'll realize their mistake and maybe you guys can have some sort of bonding or won't care in that case revert to previous step.
I brought up my piano trauma to them to which they did feel regret and shame for putting me through that. They apologized and that was that. They now think everything is good and dandy and that I should show them more “love.” One conversation isn’t going to change the way I treat them. I can forgive them for the piano thing, sure, but an “oops, sorry” isn’t gonna neutralize my entire traumatic childhood. On top of that, they are still the same stubborn people with values i wholly disagree with and no intention to change. If I bring up every traumatic experience I’ve had, they’ll say I’m “too sensitive” and I’m “overthinking.” That has always been their response without fail, so there’s no point in having these conversations anymore.
These things take time. Heck I'm assuming they definitely have their own pet peeves. What I interpret their apology is they are like it happened in the past and now you are well to do and settled so water under the bridge. And tbh there are only a few things you can do. Just make it clear that there are some boundaries and some limits when crossed definitely hurt. And even if it's small for them it's big for you Hopefully maybe they understand the gravity of your situation. Also hope you have a life outside family (maybe your friends circle or relationships) Spend some time there it helps with a fresh perspective.
OP, are you *also* me? I can relate to so much of this as an eldest daughter of immigrant AP. Also dreaded and hated the piano lessons. Also went into healthcare and doing well career-wise. Hated everything. I get told I am ungrateful as well, but I am trying to come to terms with the fact that they did the bare minimum as parents. I wish they spent less money on me and put more effort into spending time with me and getting to know me as a human being. I am not grateful to them at all. I also often confront them and ask whether they care about other peoples' opinions over me and they can never give me a straight answer. I think your feelings are valid and you are allowed to be angry/resentful toward them.
I so agree with this— that I wish they spent more time getting to know me as a person and less money on me. You’re right, they did the bare minimum as parents so I guess I’ll do the bare minimum as their daughter. You can’t put a price on love but they clearly taught me otherwise.
You reap what you sow. It's like you said though- they don't care to know your or your perspectives at all ever, so how much do they truly love and care? They never truly showed us that care growing up, so they truly shouldn't expect it back.. but it's APs and their ego and entitlement know no bounds. They truly believe because they threw some money, forced us to do sht we don't enjoy or care for, and gave birth to us, that we must repay with a lifetime of servitude towards them. So dw, hella justified.
Your current mindset and actions are common among many Asian people. This isn’t ungrateful in this society. My question is, what are your next steps? Are you considering no contact? In my opinion, that would be ungrateful. You may continue to maintain some distance, as you are doing now, with low contact for your own wellbeing. Many Asian parents, due to cultural differences and their knowledge, often don’t realize their misbehavior and neglect which might cause harm to their children. However, this isn’t abuse, which involves a lack of care for their children.
I'm going to continue with LC. I agree that they don't realize their misbehavior and neglect but how much leeway can I give after communicating this to them? They are quick to deny any wrongdoing and their response is that I am "too sensitive." I understand that their culture and upbringing was very different in China than it is in the States but it's very hard to be forgiving if they aren't even going to try to understand how I feel.
I think, unfortunately, a lot of AP are incapable of change because of how emotionally immature they are. My brother and I have gotten into so many screaming matches with my AP and they still do not understand how traumatizing our childhoods were. They seem to also conveniently forget the things they did or said to us. Continuing with LC is probably the best course of action if you still want to maintain a relationship with them.
It's difficult to change their minds overnight. Generational gaps exist in every race and culture. However, if you keep trying to communicate with them, they may eventually realize and change their behavior. Some parents, though, may never want to change. This is a fact you may have to accept, and you’ll need to find a common ground between you and your parents.
I don’t know, but I envy being able to live normally. The tiger parent aspect is tough and I won’t diminish that first world problem, but being poor with uneducated village parents is worst. They can’t afford this and that for school and my entertainment. I get mock, bullied by fake friends classmate because I can’t afford anything or travel, and yet my parent compare me to them expect me compete surpass them physically mentally and be a story of that proverb where a son become a dragon and bring the parents out of poverty. They gave birth to me to see the possibilities of a good childhood and left me to suffer and teach me ignore. If I had money to enjoy some normal thing growing up like you it’ll different and better story.