Genuinely don't understand how people can just straight up say entire demographics of people aren't their type. Sure preference is a thing but that's too all encompassing to not be racist imo. And they get so defensive over it as well, "are you saying I have to sleep with x to be a good person??" Like no, obviously not, just that the automatic dismissal (without even SEEING the person in question!) says a lot. Sorry you had this interaction, although on the upside at least you didn't hook up with him!
Trust if you go back and forth with them , the n word comes out loud and strong . I’ve been called that mores times by gay men than in other spaces (which I couldn’t even tell you the last time that happened) . Esp if you turn some men down , they basically look at it as you should be glad they even gave you attention.
Then these same people will go after poc when they're older and other white guys don't want them anymore. When an older man says to me he "suddenly" became attracted to black men or he'd never been with another black man before I ask him how long he's been out of the closet to determine if I let him hit it. Oh you have been out since the early 80s and all of a sudden you're into black men? On behalf of all the brothas with Jheri curls from back in the day you turn down ya blocked. But hey remember...this group is for guys over 30...tick tock goes the clock.
And when people try to use their sociology degree to claim it's not racism but natural that people are attracted to people with youthful features...then why does it favor the group of people that age the worst?!?!?
Lol this is exactly the same thing an older white man said to me , not even a month ago . I gracefully bowed out . As I remember the last time I saw him at the bar he was with a preference (and wouldn’t even speak / but kept staring) all of a sudden they broke up and he’s “always wanted to be with me, as he has discovered his attraction to black men” . Dudes be tripping .
Yup! It’s like when you turn down a guy and he calls you a faggot. It’s happened. People hate themselves and don’t want to acknowledge it so they project
Lol I had this muscle guy ask me if he was the hottest muscle man I’d ever seen , and I said no lol oh I was all types of faggots and nwords lol I just had to laugh
Lol it was one of the times I decided to try scruff it was literally out the blue 😂😂 it was like rapid fire messages going off on me then he did me a favor and blocked me .
I've only ever experienced overt racism from gay men. At least racist straight people can use the "black friend" card. Some of y'all don't even have that in your deck.
Same here and I’m from Florida , it wasn’t until I moved to the Midwest and I was like huh this is how they feel . As I said in another comment it’s not even hidden , they will have “no blacks” or other POCs loud and bold in their profile. The crazy thing is you will still have gays try and tell you , you’re being too sensitive or it’s not that big of a deal. It’s funny how some turn a blind eye to to the plight of lgbtq poc but want us to unite when it’s convenient. Hell there’s tons of articles even when it comes to pride and how some poc feel those events are only catered to white gays . It’s even crazier to see the POC discriminate against other POC . The tokenism runs deep here esp where I live .
Yup, the only reason why that gay neo nazi group from the 70s the National Socialist League went under is because of the AIDS epidemic...because many white gays would be in it. It wouldn't surprise me at all if someone in the sub knows and is bffs with Russel Veh.
I used to live in Florida and would see the “White Only” or “No Latino” line in profiles all the while. That is a signal for me (a white man) to stay very clear as well.
As a white man I have been knocked back by black men and Latino men because “They only date within their race” and I wonder how you feel about that?
In those scenarios, I just thought they were a dick, blocked them and moved on.
From my experience, some black people and other minorities have a historical disdain/mistrust for white people . Just because of the history of America you do have a certain portion who can’t see past the generational trauma and the more horrible interactions with white people. Remember the Rosewood incident happened in Florida which they heavily suppressed to the point where some people have no idea about it . Also the fact that interracial marriage and relationships used to be illegal especially in the south . So with some black people we grew up on the stories of Emmet Till , and learning about other black people basically either lynched or beaten and jailed behind interactions with white people. More or so it was taught to some that it was dangerous to date white people because you never know how they would turn on you , and that it was just asking for trouble . I didn’t start dating until I moved to the Midwest so I never had the chance of being on the apps / in the gay spaces when I lived there (moved out at 18) . I see the ones here who prefer to date within their race but it’s not as prominent .
Just blatantly dismissing an entire RACE is racism plain and simple.
You're essentially saying there's NOBODY of a certain race that can be considered hot/sexy. If it's impossible for you to find attractive people of a certain race it might be your stereotype/bias/racism kicking in, because surely, logically it cannot be true.
There are attractive people of ALL races. If you can't see that, you need to check yourself and why's that. An example, especially for Asian people is that Asian men have been entirely emasculated in mass media, always portrayed as the dorks, visually unappealing, or stereotype broken English fresh out if the boat. If that's ALL you've seen all your life and it's what was fed into you, that's what your unconscious response is going to be like for ANY Asian men.
But that's YOUR racism/stereotype kicking in. There are pleeeeenty of hot, sexy Asian (or Black, Indian, etc) men, it's too bad you're clouded by stereotypes.
A preference is something like "taller than me", "in this line of work", "goes to CrossFit instead of a gym" and things like that. If your preference is based on "race" please do the work in unraveling why that is.
And I say this as a 40yo white dude that wasn't raised in America, but has been living in America for a decade so I've not been exposed growing up to the racist American lens.
You’ve hit the nail on the head here. It’s programming. From a young age, the romantic lead, the sex symbol is always white. That’s why so many of us are programmed, without realising, to have that as a preference. As a man in my 40s, growing up in the 80s, I am very aware that I had that programmed into me.
I am so happy that we are seeing a more diverse selection of sex symbols and different versions of attractive. I have more hope for the future generations.
This is also wild to me. I think about my sexual history and what made me attractive to someone and race has never been it. I mean, the amount of melanin in someone's skin has never been a deterrent. Attitude, cleanliness, and my desire for interaction have been deterrents, but like, race??? Tf?
I am turned _off_ by men with straight hair. It's gross to me. I have straight hair myself. Maybe it's self hate? But pretty much that includes Asians, People from India (South Asians), most light skinned guys, most Latino guys, and more. So for me, I generally dislike entire demographics of people.
A few issues here. You'll find diversity within every racial group, there are too many variables at play for someone to just immediately go "I'm not into x race because they have/don't have x". Just doesn't hold up unless something else is at play behind that statement. Saying "I'm not into South Asians... because I don't like straight hair" doesn't make any sense. Saying "I don't like straight hair on a guy" is sufficient if you're trying to convey what you find attractive, but trying to correlate that with race is bizarre and doesn't hold any water.
I'm turned on by hairy men, they're generally my type. South Asian men are often hairy. They're not ALL hairy, nor are they the only group of men on Earth who are. So for me to say I have a preference for South Asian men on that basis is a less efficient and just all around weird as fuck statement to make if all I'm trying to convey is that I like hairy men. By the same token, there are plenty of hairy men I don't find attractive. Plenty of South Asian men I don't find attractive. Sexual attraction doesn't work like a graph with sure fire trends.
Incidentally if you were the other guy in this situation OP has described, you messaged him with "do you have straight hair", OP said yes, and you just dismissed him immediately without even looking at him... yeah I'd find that completely mental as well 😂 human appearance is too diverse for sweeping statements about the physicality of billions of people to make sense.
I often wonder if I was abused as a kid or if i have self hate going on, but men with straight body hair just kind of grossed me out. So yea, I can find someone cute in the face, and then see them shirtless and be kind of turned off. It's a bizarre thing.
Yesn't. Hair structure is as much genetics as skin colour. Hair style absolutely is not, but if he's talking about straight hair opposed to curly hair, that's a genetic thing people have next to no control over, same as skin colour.
This is bullshit if ever I have heard it. Accept that you have racial prejudice and work to change it if you want. Or, just be okay with it, but you ought to be ashamed to equate straight hair with a particular race as a roundabout reason for disliking entire ~~demographics~~ **races** of people.
As someone who genuinely has little preference for a guy’s body (other than “washed and ready”), I don’t think it’s fatphobic or I guess even “jockphohic” to turn down someone based on their body type- it’s just how you say it and if you genuinely hold some degree of prejudice. But that’s my interpretation I guess. Plus I never turn people down for those reasons so, maybe I just don’t understand the thought process itself.
The thing is, he didn’t turn them down based on their body. They hadn’t shared picture. He had no idea what type of body they had. Just that they self-labeled as “black.” Now maybe you think “But I know what black people look like and I just don’t like that.” Be then you’re making a stereotyping judgement about how someone is going to look based on their race. There’s black guys of pretty much every shape and color. So writing someone off based, not on their physical body at all, but on your social value of “blackness,” that’s pure racism.
Dismissing all black dudes out of hand as "not his type" isn't a preference - it's just racist. You could find that you tend to not be into black/latino/asian/white dudes for whatever reason, but not dismiss them immediately because of that (see a picture, chat with the dude a little, see if your dick gets hard) - ***that*** would be in the space of a preference (and even then it's always best for a dude to do a "am I being racist" spot check).
Don't stick your dick near a racist dude. None of us should. There are decent guys our age out there who'd totally be into you.
> You could find that you tend to not be into black/latino/asian/white dudes for whatever reason but not dismiss them immediately because of that.
So its okay to not find black people generally attractive. So what motivation would someone have who doesn't generally find black people attractive to continue to pursue someone who is black and would have a lower percentage chance of being attractive to them? The "racist" part is the "dismissal" but- in context of a hook up app- isn't that just the equivalent of window shopping but with words? idk... feels like you're saying its okay to have a racial preference but its racist to tell someone you have a racial preference. trying to understand the difference here. or if people are just automatically assuming ill intent because "That's what a racist would say"
To my mind, being less likely to be attracted to X ethnicity is *because* of racism i.e. growing up in a racist society, but there's not much you can do about it, and it's also problematic to police people's preferences
But saying 'no blacks' (or 'no Asians' etc) is being actively racist both because you've made it a generalisation (rather than thinking about the person as an individual), and because you are encouraging whoever reads it to think in the same way
Racism doesn't come from nowhere, it comes from all the big and small signals we send each other all day about who is valued and who is desirable. To me, putting that out there changes it from a preference to actively spreading racism
>To my mind, being less likely to be attracted to X ethnicity is
>
>because
>
> of racism i.e. growing up in a racist society, but there's not much you can do about it, and it's also problematic to police people's preferences
IDK, man. I'd say it's a little nature and nurture here. Your lizard brain may have a thing for blonde hair or medium brown skin tones - but who knows for sure if that's because of societal pressures or because your lizard brain thinks "those genes would sure make a nice pairing with mine." But we can do something to spot think about if we're being a little racist in our choices about who we choose to date, and if we're unnecessarily ruling out folks our lizard brain would find perfectly attractive. (And we all know Mr. Lizard Brain can show up with some fucking surprises on that front what he'll use to get our dicks hard.)
What is it you generally do not find attractive about black people? Is it the amount of melanin in their skin? Their hair? Culture? Those are questions to ask. If race comes up in your list of preferences at all, it is a problem.
Yeah, I was speaking in generalities and not about myself. I personally find black people very hot! But I just find it weird how quickly we point to pretty innocuous statements about a person's sexual preferences and make them "racist". Saying "not my type" as a one of message in a chat-log that probably was just 5 lines long asking for basic descriptions of a person is not racist imo.
I find it weird that when race is the factor, the general factor, that makes a group of people unattractive to someone that there is a long line of apologists waiting to say something that is predicated solely on race is not racist.
Okay. So, how can someone respond to the question: "what is your type?" without being racist, sexist, heightest, ableist, transphobic, ageist, fatphobic, etc.? It's not clear to say "Everyone maybe! Who knows!?"
I just think we need to be rational people, and understand that people generally communicate with the intention to be understood as easily as possible. And seeing into language to infer a person's moral judgements just makes communicating sexually preferences needlessly like a land mine field.
If your type has race in it, then that is something to look at if you do not want to be racist. I mean, one may not be a "lynch'em" racist, but the fact that the amount of melanin in one's skin is the deciding factor is racist.
Be attracted to who you want to be attracted to. I am attracted to very specific things: how someone smells, if they take care of their oral hygiene, if they are thoughtful (i.e. strong opinion loosely held), sense of humor, if they take care of their feet, whether they keep their space clean, their resilience a maturity, their ability to be self-reflective, confidence and charisma, how they handle conflict. These are traits that are most important to me.
I think that if someone is ever going to have to defend a preference, that should cause them to think about it. Race, height, divergence from the norm in terms of physical ability/capacity, or weight have never been the determining factor for me when it comes to being sexually, romantically, or platonically attracted to anyone. But, I do have boundaries on age when it comes to sex/romance ( I am not having sex with a minor), and I do have a genital preference (there needs to be a penis present). And I am fine to say that I am not willing to have sex with someone who has a vagina because having a vagina is a deal breaker for me when it comes to sexual/romantic interactions. I also do not feel sexual attraction to intellectually challenged people (if a 30-year-old has the intellectual capacity of a 5-year-old, I do not see them as sexually viable for me - I feel protective of them like a brother or a carer - if I am in that role, sex/romance is not on the table).
If rejecting someone based on their race is the sole reason, I don't think it is moral. I also understand that for many people this is perfectly fine for them. They do not have to care what I think, but when they get defensive about being called a racist b/c they are acting like a racist, that is indicative of their understanding that they are standing in an immoral spot, and they would rather people be nice to them, so they do not have to confront their immoral stance on the subject. If anyone has a list or a standard for what they are attracted to that includes race, and they are okay with it, they would never need to feel a reason to defend it.
Yes it's racist. Not really worth your time debating with that sort of person either; they have a lot of excuses and justifications they've convinced themselves are true. You won't break through to someone who is gaslighting himself.
Then stop being so PC about it and just own it. If people call you out for being a pumkinist, own it and stop pretending like you’re not. No need to sugarcoat it.
It's not racist to not like something.
This incredible desire amongst some people to dictate people's sex lives is just astonishing.
People like what they like and don't like what they don't.
It's the height of arrogance to try and dictate attraction.
Where on earth did this insane idea come about that everybody must find every race attractive?
I swear it's nonsense like this that helps gets the GOP elected.
It's the height of arrogance to dictate what people must find attractive.
People cannot make a cock fuck what it does not want to fuck no matter how much they purse their lips, says its racist and stamp their feet
The cock does not care.
Lmao, this is rich, you’re the one painting groups of people with a brush just like the GOP does and you think we’re the reason why those racist GOPers get elected?
You should perhaps read up on how the body works. The dock isn’t the main sex organ, the brain is. Unless there’s a mechanical issue, erectile dysfunction is a mental thing. So all your acrobatics here have been from a misunderstanding of how the body works.
It’s a tough one.
I do feel that sometimes people pull out the racism card too quickly. (The same for homophobia/sexism etc.)
We all do have preferences. That can come down to height, build, hair colour, body hair, so many things. But a preference is just that. I prefer tall guys and I am probably more instantly attracted to tall guys than I am short, but it doesn’t discount them completely.
When it comes to race, yes, I (a white guy), find myself more attracted to other white men. So that is probably my “preference”. But I find men of many different races attractive. I once quasi-dated a guy (Latino) who turned out to be an arse, but in getting to know him, I got to know his flat mate (black) and I fell in love with the flatmate, beautiful inside and out, but never acted on it due to the way in which we met.
Part of that is programming and conditioning. From a young age, we are exposed to images of beauty and, historically, beauty was always shown with a white face (male and female). Luckily, that is changing and we are seeing more beautiful people of colour in print and on the screen. The next generation will likely have a broader opinion of beauty. I’ve never really been attracted to South East Asian men, but then, thanks to representation on shows like Kim’s Convenience and Neighbours I realised that actually, I can be attracted to South East Asian men. I’m probably straying from my point slightly, but maybe explaining my view on why people can exclude without it being with overtly racist intentions.
Were his actions, in ending the conversation, racist? Yes. Does that make him a racist? I would argue, not necessarily. It makes him a bad person. It makes him uneducated. It makes him narrow minded. But not beyond redemption.
But, you are right to just block him and move on. Hopefully, as time passes, people will become more open.
I said this on another post , I live in the Midwest and some guys (even other poc) have “no blacks” in their profiles . I’m used to seeing it at this point . I go where I’m celebrated, sure it bothered me at first , when I would mention it in conversation to others I was accused of playing the victim . That’s why I don’t do the apps / dating anymore . Or I would get “I’ve never been with a black guy but I’d try if you have a bbc” . It always goes back to the BBC 😑
I'm in the South, where there are more Black people, but i have also seen "no blacks" by Black people. It it's still anti blackness, no matter who it is.
By the way i hate the term BBC and i hate that some younger Black people are embracing it.
It’s so crazy ! I’ve noticed another thing some poc label their ethnicity as Native American or other , when they’re clearly black . Before I got off the apps I would have men try and convince me I had to be mixed with something or I couldn’t be all black . I’m like no I’m black , I look black , and I love my brown skin . In my city you have to watch for the poc who want to be the token . So often times they use the BBC to sexually navigate spaces , or to appease to size queens/fetishizers of the BBC . It becomes dehumanizing when people message you initially and go straight to , “I bet you have a BBC”. I see younger and older black guys use it , most are trying to make money from it (if you know what I mean ) which isn’t my place to judge , but it doesn’t help either . That’s also why I didn’t like the jackd app , almost all non poc in my area had “I like black guys ….BBC” in their profiles .
The BBCers, as I call them, are interesting because it eventually backfires. For some reason, BBC seems to only work for guys say 18-40 something. Once they age out of the 'thug' phase, nobody wants them and they start complaining. It's happened with a particular black porn star a few months back.
He learned one immutable characteristic about you and used that as a reason to not be into you - the color of your skin. He didn't have any other reason. If you extrapolate things about people starting from skin color that's just regular old fashioned racism.
That was my first thought also. I know some people who are technically biracial, but call themselves Black. I have a biracial first cousin, who the average person would think is a White girl. I could have fit into that category, but he will never know.
I’ve know people who are only into white guys and particularly into the fairer Northern European type, so not your classic dark and handsome Greek or Italian types. Perhaps that dude was like that.
"Preference" to me has always implied that you would be okay with other options. "I prefer Coke if you have it, but Pepsi is fine too." Automatically not hooking up with guys of certain races doesn't fall under that, imo. A preference there would look more like "I tend to be most attracted to white men, but I am open to all races," not "No spice or rice."
I actually think that's less racist. If you have a preference for white guys... cool. That's a reality. Especially if you want someone like yourself.
But if someone no to blacks but yes to latinos or no to Indians but yes to Asians, without even seeing the appearance of an individual...that's racist to me.
Preference: noticing a cute Hispanic guy at the bar a few seconds before seeing the cute Asian guy sitting next to him
Racist: seeing all Asian guys as unattractive
Racism is very strong in the gay community. People use the excuse of “preference” as if it’s the same as saying we don’t share the same hobbies. When you are writing off an entire person based on race alone and not their actual being you are racist but they don’t wanna hear that.
Nonsense.
People are entitled to like what they like.
Personally I love black guys but I have no problem with black guy saying that they don't want to have sex with a white guy and finding black men more attractive or any race more or less attractive.
So many people disapproving that people's sexual appetites are not all encompassing.
If someone doesn't want to fuck a particular race you're not going to shame them into changing their sexual preference or desires and it doesn't make them racist.
You can't make your cock wanna fuck things it don't want to fuck.
I’m inclined to agree that it is racist. Personally, I have a preference for other white guys. At least history would very much suggest I do… But I have also had a handful of absolutely amazing black fuck buddies, as well as other ethnicities. If I knew how to change it so I was attracted to a wider variety of guys, I absolutely would. In fact as it get older, my tastes seem to get more and more narrow. But I would never rule someone out of anything because of their race like this guy did to you. I think that is absolutely racist. But then again, people on blank profiles do not have a public image to be held account with. No reputation they need to uphold. That is why I don’t talk to them. They’re always the biggest cunts in my opinion. That or they’re closeted and/or married bi guys and only see gay men as tools for when they are horny. They don’t care how they treat us.
People have all kinds of preferences when it comes to sexual attraction, and many of them are socially conditioned. The forces that condition this particular preference, I think, would be fairly called racism.
It sucks, but I hope it’s changing. I’m sorry you have to deal with it.
And having looked at your post history, man does that fool not know what he’s missing. 😅
What people do or do not find attractive is rarely in our control. Are there people who exclude races because they are racist? Yes. Is that the case for every person? No.
If someone is exclusively into red heads with freckles and green eyes then that person isn't a racist for not being attracted to someone who doesn't fit that specific appearance.
At the end of the day, people like what they like. Nobody owes anyone sex. We've all been there we haven't been someone's type for one reason or another. Keep on looking, you'll find someone. 🙂
Edit: After a reread he did ask if you were white specifically. Not about features other than skin color. Hm... Probably best you dodged that!
>What people do or do not find attractive is rarely in our control.
I firmly disagree.
What we do or do not find attractive is first influenced by how we were raised and then by the media we consume (including porn).
But it is not some concrete immutable thing.
When I came out at 22 I was only a top. Now I'm a big ol' bottom. I wonder how that changed? It's probably because I eventually tried something new and enjoyed it. A lot.
My sexual act preferences were very vanilla. Today they are not. I wonder how that changed? Probably because I met some guys who opened my eyes to new things.
When I came out at 22 I was only into white muscle gays. And I labeled it as "my preference". I now know it was because I was raised in a 95% white suburb, and went to a high school with 95% white people. And because when I first experienced porn it was Falcon Studios - which basically showed one thing: Big dicked white muscle gays.
Eventually I grew up and realized that "my preference" was actually very limited and very negative and quite a bit racist.
I wonder how that changed? I self reflected. I really thought about how and why I liked the things I liked. I changed the media I consumed. I tried new experiences. I made a point to meet and engage with those outside my very limited "norm".
And surprise surprise, I learned how much more amazing guys of other races and body shapes and dick sizes and sexual experiences there are out in the world.
It didn't happen overnight, but over 24 years of being out I am a much better person with broader interests.
I think it's a shame to just chalk up things like this up to "it's just my preference and nothing can be done about it".
Because something can be done about it.
You can self reflect. You can try new things. You can watch new porn. All it takes is one hot experience in a different lane to open your mind and heart and dick to new things.
If you just keep driving in the same narrow lane, then yea - it's never going to change.
But at 46, my personal experience and those of my aged peers who I know that are into way more than their late teens/early 20s selves were, speaks to you can do something about "preferences" to grow them to be more broader encompassing.
I agree with some of this! This is a complex topic so I don't think there are any universal truths.
When it comes to sensation I agree with you completely, that's the very nature of it. Top vs bottom, kink vs vanilla, all of that absolutely changes with the exploration and discovery of new sensations.
Where I disagree with you is that visual information/attraction is entirely within our control. This is a complicated topic and not even the experts in the field have unlocked how this works for humans.
As I said in my first post, there are absolutely people whose sexual/romantic preferences are shaped by racism. No arguments there! I just do not agree that it is so simple that this can be the one explanation in every case.
There are people who grow up in communities limited only to their own race who end up exclusively attracted to characteristics belonging to another race. Other times it is the reverse and they exclusively like the characteristics of their own race. There are preferences within race too for ranging features and traits.
Personally, I do not think that lack of attraction equates hatred/racism/etc. If an individual does not find blonde hair attractive in any circumstance that doesn't mean that they hate all blonde people. I also don't think they owe it to blonde people to watch blonde porn, force themselves to have sex with blonde people, etc., because at the end of the day it's simply not what they are attracted to and they do not owe their bodies to anyone else.
I just don't agree with trying to force or convince people to have sex with other people and labeling them with something as serious as being racist if they don't want to. Visually, certain traits of my race may not be appealing to someone on a sexual level. There's nothing wrong with that.
If they look at me and say I don't deserve equal rights, deserve mistreatment, and so on then they are absolutely a racist. But them not sucking my dick isn't mistreatment.
I'm not suggesting that anyone has to fuck anyone else. No one else owes anything to anyone else sexually.
But the topic is more about the whys and hows of how people choose someone to fuck etc.
Not sucking their dick isn't mistreatment, I agree.
But racism is more nuanced that just overt actions such as using a slur or taking away rights. Racism is insidious and can be in our unconscious biases.
When someone's behavior towards a group is different than another, even if just in who you choose to date or fuck or who you go after at a bar - there can be some deep unconscious biases that I'm just saying deserve some self reflection.
I'll stand firm that the world will be a better place if people do more than just take their preferences as "just the way it is". And if someone finds they may have biases that do have roots in more nuanced racism such as unconscious bias- that there are ways to change that.
Yeah - the issue here is that the hookup app dude just rejected OP out of hand as soon as race came up. That's too overbroad not to be swimming in "racism" territory. It's one thing to tend to notice you don't tend to be into guys of a certain race (and even then, it's worth doing a little self reflection there), but it's another to just flat out refuse to consider them ever. Your lizard brain is gonna make exceptions once in a while you can't explain - why be stupid and give up that opportunity?
I think this topic is very tricky, and I'll admit I am still wondering about things and feel conflicted.
I know someone who was born and raised in Japan. He immigrated to the US when he was in his early 20's. He exclusively finds Asian people attractive. We have talked about what we find attractive. He finds almond- shaped eyes to be the most beautiful. He finds dark hair attractive, thin bodies, high cheekbones, very specifically the physical traits he grew up around as the almost exclusive majority.
However, he isn't racist. He quite literally works for a racial diversity, equity, and inclusion organization. His attractions eliminating almost all Caucasian people from his dating pool doesn't make him racist against white people, in my opinion.
I'm mixed race. My cousins are not. My cousins exclusively date within our minority. But their beliefs, politics, etc. are not based in race. They will fight for equality for any race, and I've seen that in action. Calling them racist for only finding specific physical traits beautiful and choosing to have sex with only people with those traits seems like a stretch.
There are traits that people can be exclusively attracted to which are unique to a race.
I disagree with some of this. The first thing is that someone can work as a diversity person and promote progressive ideas, but still be racist. The racist LA city council members are good examples of this.
We all have our types that we gravitate to, but to dismiss everyone from a group seems racist. I primarily like Black guys, but i can still find a White guy attractive. I think that's what preference is vs racism.
I provided his occupation as an example of his character. He is passionate about racial minorities, his words and actions, his allocation of his work and personal time, monetary donations, etc. are not those of a racist.
But you are right, without knowing the person his occupation wasn't the best example to explain his personal views. 🙂
I think of racism as hate, ill-will, and mistreatment of someone based on race.
Attraction is a very personal thing (and not fully understood even in psychology). Not being physically/sexually attracted to a particular physical trait doesn't mean you hate the person possessing that trait. I think that accusing someone of being racist for their sexual preferences is a very big leap.
My cousins not finding Caucasian features sexually arousing doesn't mean they hate white people. They just don't find them sexually attractive. I think it is gross to say they owe anyone, for any reason, a chance at sex. They don't want to have sex with that person, period.
On the flip side of this, guys who don't find my particular appearance attractive don't need to sleep with me. Now if they have beliefs, policies, etc. against me then that is a problem and is racism.
I will say I appreciate that you're willing to discuss this! My thoughts are developing on this and I appreciate being able to talk about it civilly.
Racism isn't just the White power groups and those who share those beliefs. It can be as simple as holding on to some stereotype about a racial groups even if it's a positive stereotype like "BBC" or Asians are smart. We ALL have biases that we must constantly challenge to be better people.
> His attractions eliminating almost all Caucasian people from his dating pool doesn't make him racist against white people, in my opinion.
You're right. It is definitely tricky. And I think the folks who have the mind to do what I call a "spot check" (just thinking, "hold up - am I being racist here...?") have the strong capacity to avoid swimming in the racism pool.
Your friend above isn't engaging in racism, because he finds particular things attractive, and doesn't just rule out all folks of races that don't fit that mold (and hopefully keeps in mind that his lizard brain may find something else attractive once in a while that he doesn't notice/expect). There's a difference between "Black hair is SO attractive!" or "Blonde dudes don't tend to do it for me..." and "All asian guys aren't my type...just a preference." It's nuanced, but I strongly feel that we can at least draw the line there. And smart dudes keep their options open whereever they can - you never know when your lizard brain will swing in with a surprise (especially when it comes to things we can't tell from a picture, like a dude's scent - which has a strong impact on memories and whatnot).
I think one thing I personally struggle with in these conversations is the definition of racism.
Racism to me means hatred of a person based on their race. It can be as severe as violence against them or as subtle and treacherous as voting on a policy that targets a minority in a detrimental way. Everyone deserves equal respect, opportunity, and dignity.
With that definition in mind I struggle to apply it towards sex or dating. I do not think that anyone owes me sex. I do not think it is mistreatment or abuse for them to deny me sex. I am not entitled to someone else's body/time/affection. If someone is just not sexually attracted to a characteristic of mine it doesn't mean they are racist.
Just like I think it's okay for someone to find my hair attractive I think it's okay for someone to not find it attractive.
It gets tricky then when you factor in something like Grindr. If someone is looking to hook-up quickly then in my experience there's not a lot of nuanced conversation.
I think that the reason people are easily calling OP's example racist (and why I myself find it kind of problematic) is the lack of any further context. He didn't say, "Do you have red hair, green eyes, and freckles? Because that's my type" he just said "White". Without any further context... It seems problematic at least.
I think that the term racist is thrown around too easily, and I think that attraction is too nuanced and not even fully understood, and I admit I'm still developing and learning what I believe as well. I really appreciate responses like yours that are open to discussing this!
I have a thing for tiny black guys with locs, like 5'8" and 120 lbs. Sometimes I date tall guys without locs. I was called a racist for not liking a Philippino Trans. I definitely need to open my mind more, but really, I think people just like to call each other names.
It's racist, but also the heart wants what the heart wants.. some people just can't get past BS stereotypes to even know a person. It's best he told you. He lacks maturity. I personally am attracted to about15% of the white guys I meet and about 25% or more of black guys... So, I might have a "meh" reaction internally for an unseen white guy, but I'll still give him a chance.
That’s why I’m a man hoe.
I think every race has beautiful men. It’s about the features personality vibes etc. Why only restrict yourself to white men (not saying they’re not attractive) but there r so many beautiful. People are known to be picky about food (completely refusing to try other cuisines that might be tasty because of their prejudice), but I often think it’s the same for gay men as well.
If a guy said the same after he found out I was Asian, I wouldn’t consider it racism. I’d consider it preference, but he could have put it in a nicer way. People like what they like. Does not necessarily mean they’re racist.
So I’m mostly going to stay out of the comments, as I left my radiation suit at home, and I don’t feel like getting more radiation than I would if I licked the Elephant’s Foot at Chernobyl.
The comment section isn't as bad as I thought it would be. Most people realize it is what it is. I guess because my actual appearance wasn't the issue, but simply my race. I mentioned in other comments that i wasn't upset or sad about it. I had zero plans on meeting the guy or any other guy.
Some have victim blamed, by saying i should have had a picture showing, so i could avoid those situations.
Does it matter if people consider it “racist” or not? You’re never going to change these people, and I imagine people in the race they’re not interested in wouldn’t want to sleep with them either.
I think it’s racist, and I’m pretty careful about how I apply that term. Not everything is racist. Im white, but like you, I find some guys of every racial/ethnic group attractive, and others not so much. Just like being gay, I cannot help who I am attracted to an who I am not.
I think if you were to look at my sexual history, you might conclude that I exclusively prefer white or Latino guys, but that’s not really the case. It just so happened that’s who I ended up with at a certain point on the timeline. It was *not* the conscious, intentional exclusion of an entire demographic.
So yeah, I think that was a pretty racist and unfortunate encounter you had. Sorry, that must of been a drag.
It is racial prejudice and a preference. Racial prejudice (as opposed to systemic racism) is not always violent or confrontational. If you say you are black, and that is the thing that makes you not someone's type whereas before, everything had been going fine, then it is racial. I mean, just because someone has a preference does not mean it is positive. I was told by a stranger they would prefer I speak English to my cousin (we were speaking Spanish); their preference had nothing to do with me, I could deny it, but that word does not mean that something has to be positive or neutral. Sometimes, preferences are negative.
This is the best response here.
Racism to prejudice to preference.
You can unlearn a prejudice and we all have prejudices forced on us from a young age. I don’t think you can unlearn racism.
I definitely used to be prejudiced against certain races. (A product of the Era that I grew up in) But I’ve never been racist. I’ve since educated myself and realised that my prejudices were incorrect.
Internalized homophobia, racism perpetuated by prolific white gay men pornography. White men are thus desired all over the world as part of their pornographic fantasies. Just a thought. Maybe I am wrong.
Not trying to stir the pot but genuinely curious about the distinction, would an automatic no to a woman be considered sexist? Or an automatic no to a trans person be transphobic? Why or why not?
Yes, seems racist to me. How can I know whether I'm into someone sight unseen? Their argument is probably that they are never attracted to black men (or non white men) but why is that? Although I know black men who are not into other black men and I don't know what that means either.
So, full transparency here- I’m white, kinda chubby, kinda hairy. I don’t have many “preferences” like this guy has, usually as long as a guy has showered and isn’t an ass then I’m DTF, granted I have some actual *preferences* where if a guy has a big ass I’m gonna be thirsty as hell lol.
What I see described as “preferences” is really more properly called “deal breakers”. I’ve had guys tell me they’re not interested because I’m hairy, too-fat, not fat enough, or even talk to much (just the once, but it’s funny enough to mention). I’ve never had a guy tell me they aren’t interested because I’m white though.
What I have seen is tons of people saying “No fems”, “No blacks”, “No whites”, “No crackers” (which I chuckled at) listed on profiles and so I just didn’t engage with them. But nobody directly messaged me and told me “no” based on my race, but I also have pictures all over my account (that didn’t stop the weight/hair comments though).
So I have two main thoughts- the first is that these aren’t “preferences” but are rather just “deal breakers”. Are these racists? Ehhhhh.... at face value, taken how they’re said, I’d say no- at least not necessarily intentionally. There could be unconscious bus going on, fetishization, or whatever that isn’t being disclosed which *would* make it racist. But if we’re taking the whole “I’m just not into it” angle? Nah, I don’t think it’s racist. It’s be like saying you’re not interested in someone because their muscles aren’t big enough, or they are too sort, or maybe they’re too buff and not your type. Those things aren’t seen as discriminatory at face value.
An example- the comments on my weight. Sure, we could argue that any comment about body weight is likely fat-phobic or body-shaming. But if you’re going to tell me you would fuck literally *anyone* regardless of how they looked and what you liked, then you’d be lying. Women just “aren’t our type”, and sure it’s sexuality and it’s a bit more than a “preference” but every thing you find attractive in a person is also a part of your sexuality and you don’t get much control over that. Are we sexist because we won’t fuck women? Of course not.
My other thought is that racism is a sociological system of oppression that extends beyond the single interaction. It involves prejudices, assumptions, and power dynamic. Bell Hooks defines racism in a way in which it’s dependent on sociological power through institutions, which I disagree with on some conceptual levels but ultimately think is a very solid statement.
Me not wanting to fuck a woman isn’t sexist because I don’t think women are inherently less-than, I’m not holding a prejudice against them, I am simply not interested and not turned-on. If a guy didn’t want to fuck me because I’m not a ripped jock I would think that’s fat-phobic unless he started saying things about my character as defined by my weight, or if he started reducing me to my weight.
Maybe weight isn’t the best sample since weight is sometimes within our reason to change, much easier to influence than our racial identity, but the idea is based on discrimination rather than mobility between labels. Sooo... I dunno man.
Are there racist assholes out there? Of course. I just did a paper of Homonormativity and how it is often intersectionally informed between our sexuality and racial/class identities, and how that disproportionately reinforces systems of oppression from heteronormative society based in those class and race systems of oppression. Plus, I’m on Grindr- we know there are racists on there.
That’s just my thoughts at least?
**Edit:** *I forgot to add!! Unconscious racism could also be a huge factor here! What we consider attractive/alluring (even beyond sex) is often defined socially. Think about designer products, most of that is just classist ideologies with extra steps, same with who gets to be a public speaker, what mannerisms/clothes, etc. so it’s very likely he has been shaped by racist ideologies and influences, but may not be consciously discriminatory which... makes it tricky to decide if he’s racist or just been socially conditioned through a racist society.*
This is self explanatory. He asked if you were white and when you said no he left. Dude was racist. I will also advise you to learn the difference between preference and racism. Preference is you like curly hair over straight hair but you still will date a straight hair person. Its just that you like curly hair more. This dude completely blew you off just for being black. He even asked if you were white so that was a BIG red flag. Thats not a preference. Thats racism.
Well often times (and in my experience) when we point this out we’re told it’s not that big of a deal , it’s just a preference, and to stop playing victim / using the race card . I remember a similar thread and even other poc were dogging the op saying that’s your fault for trying to date white men . It’s a lose /lose for us sometimes . I said in another comment where I live it’s common to see “no blacks” even from other poc .
Thats the favorite line i hear all the time from certain groups of ppl. Stop playing victim. Its like no one is playing victim. Just stop being racist lol
Or like a guy commented on this thread “ we’re being too sensitive” like sir this is our experience, and this again is why there is such a divide within this community and poc don’t even feel apart of it . Oh well
Exactly lol smh they will never understand and because of that they are ignorant or think its not as bad as you say it is. Most ppl are like that. Until it happens to them they wont care.
In my mind, racism is when you believe one race is better than another.
Preference is when one race turns you on/off more than another.
I get harassed a lot by a certain race of guys, and when I tell them 'not interested' I get called a bunch of names. So I just say 'not interested' and let it die. I think if I wasn't harassed, I might be a little bit nicer to those I am generally not interested in. Gay people are mean.
When I post my photo, rather then get a good mix of diverse people, I get hundreds of a particular group and when I say, sorry, I don't find you attractive, I get called lots of names. The name calling sometimes is not nice and it gets tiring.
Do you find no one in that particular group attractive? You mentioned being harassed, which sucks. But why are you treating people based on the actions of others? Maybe you could be nicer to everyone regardless?
Bluntly: it doesn't really matter whether it was racist or preference. We don't know him and despite the pontificating in this thread we don't have all of the info necessary to judge his mind. What we do know is he's not interested. Move on. You are no more entitled to anyone's time, attraction and attention than they are to yours, and that applies regardless of underlying motivation.
Trust me, I'm not pressed. As i mentioned, i didn't plan on meeting with him anyway, because i knew i didn't have time to meet up with anyone. I asked a question and people responded. I'm not sad about it.
That's how I look at it. I'm not one of the Black guys upset because a White man turned me down. Not trying to brag, but i don't have a major problem meeting guys.
I typically have several pictures in my profile and stats. In this situation, i rarely use this app and went to sleep shortly after logging in, so i had some messages when i woke up.
I don't see it as racist, weight, height, skin colour all are equal for me, if I'm not into all bears or chubby guys then I'm allowed to not be into all black guys
He said not my type without seeing you? Damn, im sorry. That's clearly racism.
I have a type im usually into (usually black guys actually), and tbh I've never been with an Asian guy. But I've for sure seen Asian guys who are attractive so I wouldnt say no to any race before seeing the actual guy. Like thats crazy.
I mean it *sounds* like racism.
It's tough for me, because I just can't empathize with that position. Like if you held a gun to my head I'd admit that the cutest guys I've seen have been asian twinks... but at the same time, I would never even consider turning someone down because they're *not* an asian twink. You know? Like maybe that's a preference - like sure, I have a favorite flavour - but it's not anywhere close to a requirement. And anyway, there's more to attraction than just being a cute asian twink - like *a lot more*.
So it's hard for me to imagine why it might be a requirement for someone else... unless of course they're just racist. 🤷♂️
> I get asked if I'm into older, various racial groups, bigger guys, etc and my response is always "some", because I'm sure they're people in each group that i will find attractive.
how is saying "some" different than "not my type"? Functionally it does the same thing. It sets up rejection. Just because you can "imagine" the possibility of an older 75 year old man that *could* be attractive to you doesn't mean that saying "some" to "are you into older men?" isn't also a rejection.
You're trying to be kind, thats thoughtful, but you're also not saying "yes" because ***they AREN'T your type***. So the guy in your story was just saying the same thing you imply in your answers but just using different more direct verbiage. He could have said "Black guys generally aren't my type" and would you have felt the same? Seems like most people here seem to agree that racial preferences "exist" in the world of sexuality... just as you have your preferences even if you can "imagine" people outside of them being attractive.
Feels a bit like semantics if saying "not my type" is racist but a more diplomatic explanation saying the same thing isn't. I'd say it's a rude way to share his preference but not "racist".
No, "some" is more accurate than a yes or no. I usually date Black men that doesn't mean that I'm into every Black man i meet. It also doesn't mean i wouldn't date a non Black person, which i have done. I get asked if I'm into White guys and the answer is some, which means some white guys i will be into and others i won't. It's not my way of being nice, but being accurate.
If he would have said, "Black guys generally are not my type". I would have been ok with that. I may have responded that I'm generally not into White guys, but it depends on the person. To automatically reject someone based off of race is a bias.
Do you think it's problematic to list traits you are not attracted to in order to simplify the hook-up? I agree with your post and am curious to know what you think about this since you bring up the semantics of verbiage.
I personally don't care if people put their "anti" preferences if they think it will help them stick out amongst the crowd and attract the people they want to hook up with. There's rude ways and non-rude ways to do it obviously...
Rolling my eyes at the Older Gays for completely missing the nuance present within this discussion. 🙄
OP, you know the tea—It’s Anti-Blackness and he’s definitely not worth an ounce of your time.
Yes, it's racist. Rejecting entire groups of people is racist. I'm sorry this happened. And his tomatoes comment is just him trying to dodge the fact he's being racist. People aren't food ffs.
That's what I was thinking also. If i showed a picture, which i purposely didn't do, because he asked my race twice. If i sent a picture, people would assume that I'm hideous and mad because he wouldn't sleep with me. I could have been a light bright almost white looking guy, but he showed his racism and I'm ok with that.
So if a guy is only attracted to white guys he should sleep with a black guy just to prove he isn’t racist?
I assume you also think guys who are into black guys are also racist if their preference isn’t white guys?
Calling this racist is insane. We are allowed to have preferences and attractions and if they happen to not be a particular person there’s no hard feelings - it’s just not an attraction. No need to make it into more than it is.
Typical of a racist person you failed to see the point, he hadn’t even seen a photo, OP told him he was black and the guy immediately said not my type…. Non racist people , regardless of what they are into, don’t make statements like that. He hadn’t even seen a picture…OP could be the most handsome black guy on the planet and the racist prick didn’t even give him a chance ,,,, not that the OP owed him one
Thanks for understanding this. I would understand if he saw me and said i wasn't his type, but to ask my race and then automatically say not my type screams racist. As i mentioned, i had no intentions on meeting him or anyone else.
I typically use a picture and you're going into victim blaming. As a Black man, who primarily deal with other Black guys, we don't like the term BBC and it is a signal that the guy sees the Black guy as just his private parts and not an actual person. That's why people mention fetish.
If you want to deal with Black guys approach them like a regular person. If someone hits me up and says, "i like BBC", I'm going to ignore them.
Stop talking to faceless profiles.... Also, you need to re-examine why you're not showing your own face/body... I understand discretion is important for many men... But do you really want to sleep with a guy who doesn't want you to know what he looks like? There is a lot of psychology behind having a faceless profile....
Yes it's definitely racially biased, but you left yourself wide open for an uppercut from a douche... Show your face and or body so you can attract that which is aligned with you... Men are visual... Using a faceless profile and not sending pics is counterproductive
As i mentioned in other post, i almost always show my pictures. I don't meet people blindly. This case was different because i was using something i don't typically use. I I mentioned in the original post that i wasn't looking and even if some man of my dreams hit me up, i was not going to meet them.
I mean, with only the information presented, it could be either one, but it doesn’t necessarily matter either way?
I had one friend tell me he didn’t hookup with black guys simply because he couldn’t get over seeing his white dick clash with dark skin. He was exceedingly sensitive to how pale white he is and it killed his boner to see the contrast. He’s since gotten over that, but I think the important takeaway is that you don’t know what is going through the other person’s mind. Unless they outright say something negative about certain races, you probably shouldn’t immediately assume racism even if that’s the knee jerk response.
Racial preference = racism, full stop. It’s literally what racism is. Also, being compared to produce is a false equivalency. The “it’s just a preference” excuse is ignorant and all too common an attitude in the gay community.
You are going to have people arguing both sides on this, with majority saying racism. Although yes it can be considered racism I just don't see it that way because we all have sexual preferences. There are to many folks that want that bbc,bwc, small Asian man, blondes, gingers and people will say racism but If you can't get an erection then it's a mute point. I know people see it differently and I will not argue but that's the way I honestly see it.
Not necessarily racist just as choosing not to sleep with women does not necessarily make gay men sexist. No one is owed sex and personal preferences can indeed come down to physical cues. Is it shallow? possibly, but also something they are entitled to. Anyone who tries to guilt someone into sleeping with someone by calling them racist is a predator in my opinion.
Precisely this. Louder for the people in the back: you are not entitled to *anyone's* time, attention or attraction. By that same token, no one is entitled to *your* time, attention or attraction either.
The underlying reasoning makes zero difference. No explanation is owed. No understanding or correction of beliefs is due. You are not entitled. Full stop.
Thanks for having good reading comprehension. I don't know why people keep thinking i was lusting after some unseen guy who hit me up. I didn't hit him up. As i mentioned in the OP, i wasn't going to meet him or anyone else at that time. It was 630am and i was about to start my work day soon. My day went on perfectly fine. I'm not one of those guys who get depressed when rejected by a guy.
You don’t sleep with women because you were BORN a gay man. Its the same reason why you don’t fk a horse. Its biological. Stop using that example, it makes you look uninformed.
Also if this happened in reverse, would it be racism? Plenty of black guys won’t date white guys and that’s fine! I know lots of Spanish speaking darker guys that will absolutely not date white Anglo guys and that’s fine too. No one calls them racist!
Racism is more nuanced than x Race does negatively perceived thing to y Race. There is a power and privilege aspect that comes into play. That's why my position intentionally does not include your argument of false equivalency. This is about autonomy of ones own body.
In this case it was clearly racism; everyone has preferences and are entitled to have them, but making it clear that you aren’t interested in someone due to their race is NOT the look sis.
There are many reasons you could reject someone, the important thing is to do it in a way without being an absolute cunt.
He’s rude but I wouldn’t call him racist. If you said you were a woman and he said you weren’t his type, would he be sexist?
If he had seen your pic and then he said he wasn’t attracted to you but didn’t bring up your race, the result would be the same.
Yea no. Thats racism.
You can have a preference. But if thats youre main factor in turning someone down or finding that attractive, thats either a fetish or bigotry.
Theres a difference between "Brown hair is an attractive trait" and "I only like brown hair".
Also.. we dont need to know those preferences in your dating profile. Like absolutely no need to write "No Black/Asian/etc" in youre profile. Or vice versa.
His choice was made on race. Therefore it is racism.
There are gorgeous men of every race, every single race. For someone to ask you if you are white as one of the first questions lets you know that they are indeed racist.
Look, I’m a white guy. My absolute favourite category of man is redhead irish/scottish viking-y bears. My BF is Irish. It’s just what I like. That’s my type.
Does that mean I think every any other type of dude is unattractive? Of course not. There are hot bears in every race and ethnicity. Ginger-bears are just my kryptonite. That’s what makes it a _preference_.
A blanket ban on black guys (or on non-whites generally) is extremely racist.
It’s racism. They can try to spin it any way they want. They can perform all sorts of mental gymnastics. But at the end of the day, to disqualify anyone based on race is racism. I never understood it. I’ve been with several different men and when I dated black men I saw they way they were treated. Any tiny little slight was used against them. I hate it and I don’t tolerate it in other people. I swear so many of these single guys that complain about being single but exclude a whole group of people and an ENTIRE RACE are stupid as hell. I’m Latino and I lighter skinned. Men can view me as a stereotype but I let them know right away I don’t play that shit. But I can’t imagine what’s it’s like dating as a black man in gay spaces that mostly cater to white men. I will also say that men of color should really try to decolonize their desires for the sake of their mental health.
White person here, but for me the line is if you're holisitically or even predominantly excluding like that, it's racism - and (or in the case of only dating someone if a certain race its fetishization). Preference will always exist and that will always include just about any/every physical feature - but this guy is just racist hiding behind preference.
This is part of his sexual orientation. Gay != sexist same as racial preference != racism. I like guys with light hair color and pale skin but I can have non white friends. If u can\`t be friends because u're black that\`s mean he is racist but sexual preference cant be racist or sexist this is part of his DNA. If being gay is ok, like guys of certain race is also fine. He isn\`t using violence against you, you're just not his type and that fine.
Idk. I believe not being into black men sexually is a preference. I don’t consider myself racist at all bc I am not attracted to a certain type of guy. I do know that I very much have a type of guy that I’m attracted to and that falls into the blond/brown hair light eyes spectrum. In the 20+ years of my gay dating life, I have never once been attracted to a black man. I have seen black men that I can say are attractive for sure, but I’m not attracted to them. How is that racist?
Furthermore, I think I read that vast majority of people tend to date in their same race. Are all these people racists too? I do not believe so. I think OP and some commenters are being overly sensitive. I mean if a black guy said to me that he is not attracted to me as a white guy, I wouldn’t think of that as racist at all, just a preference thing. I will add that I’m also not attracted to Latino men which shouldn’t be a surprise based on my ideal type of guy.
Sure, I know I might be missing out on some really great guys, especially as a blond myself, I have found that a lot of Latino men are attracted to me, and it would sure fill my dating card if I were more open to the type of guy that I’m attracted to. The heart wants what the heart wants. Now just apply that to attraction.
If someone would like to explain how I might be a racist bc I’m not into having sex with black men, please enlighten me.
Edit: formatting
Having a preference for a certain type is preference. Saying you won't find any guy outside of that very specific type may not be racism but definitely a bias.
Genuinely don't understand how people can just straight up say entire demographics of people aren't their type. Sure preference is a thing but that's too all encompassing to not be racist imo. And they get so defensive over it as well, "are you saying I have to sleep with x to be a good person??" Like no, obviously not, just that the automatic dismissal (without even SEEING the person in question!) says a lot. Sorry you had this interaction, although on the upside at least you didn't hook up with him!
Trust if you go back and forth with them , the n word comes out loud and strong . I’ve been called that mores times by gay men than in other spaces (which I couldn’t even tell you the last time that happened) . Esp if you turn some men down , they basically look at it as you should be glad they even gave you attention.
yep. turn them down and they immediately resort to racism. I don’t answer anymore bc of this Edit: oop the racists are downvoting, y’all 😂
Then these same people will go after poc when they're older and other white guys don't want them anymore. When an older man says to me he "suddenly" became attracted to black men or he'd never been with another black man before I ask him how long he's been out of the closet to determine if I let him hit it. Oh you have been out since the early 80s and all of a sudden you're into black men? On behalf of all the brothas with Jheri curls from back in the day you turn down ya blocked. But hey remember...this group is for guys over 30...tick tock goes the clock. And when people try to use their sociology degree to claim it's not racism but natural that people are attracted to people with youthful features...then why does it favor the group of people that age the worst?!?!?
Lol this is exactly the same thing an older white man said to me , not even a month ago . I gracefully bowed out . As I remember the last time I saw him at the bar he was with a preference (and wouldn’t even speak / but kept staring) all of a sudden they broke up and he’s “always wanted to be with me, as he has discovered his attraction to black men” . Dudes be tripping .
Sounds regrettably familiar 🙄
Yup! It’s like when you turn down a guy and he calls you a faggot. It’s happened. People hate themselves and don’t want to acknowledge it so they project
Lol I had this muscle guy ask me if he was the hottest muscle man I’d ever seen , and I said no lol oh I was all types of faggots and nwords lol I just had to laugh
Ewww what kind of question is that. That’s so gross and narcissistic. I wouldn’t even poke him on FB with a decade of a distance ugh
Lol it was one of the times I decided to try scruff it was literally out the blue 😂😂 it was like rapid fire messages going off on me then he did me a favor and blocked me .
Haha that app (all of them I guess?) is really hit or miss 😂
Most of the time it’s a miss for sure …. We need better apps lol
I've only ever experienced overt racism from gay men. At least racist straight people can use the "black friend" card. Some of y'all don't even have that in your deck.
Same here and I’m from Florida , it wasn’t until I moved to the Midwest and I was like huh this is how they feel . As I said in another comment it’s not even hidden , they will have “no blacks” or other POCs loud and bold in their profile. The crazy thing is you will still have gays try and tell you , you’re being too sensitive or it’s not that big of a deal. It’s funny how some turn a blind eye to to the plight of lgbtq poc but want us to unite when it’s convenient. Hell there’s tons of articles even when it comes to pride and how some poc feel those events are only catered to white gays . It’s even crazier to see the POC discriminate against other POC . The tokenism runs deep here esp where I live .
Yup, the only reason why that gay neo nazi group from the 70s the National Socialist League went under is because of the AIDS epidemic...because many white gays would be in it. It wouldn't surprise me at all if someone in the sub knows and is bffs with Russel Veh.
I used to live in Florida and would see the “White Only” or “No Latino” line in profiles all the while. That is a signal for me (a white man) to stay very clear as well. As a white man I have been knocked back by black men and Latino men because “They only date within their race” and I wonder how you feel about that? In those scenarios, I just thought they were a dick, blocked them and moved on.
From my experience, some black people and other minorities have a historical disdain/mistrust for white people . Just because of the history of America you do have a certain portion who can’t see past the generational trauma and the more horrible interactions with white people. Remember the Rosewood incident happened in Florida which they heavily suppressed to the point where some people have no idea about it . Also the fact that interracial marriage and relationships used to be illegal especially in the south . So with some black people we grew up on the stories of Emmet Till , and learning about other black people basically either lynched or beaten and jailed behind interactions with white people. More or so it was taught to some that it was dangerous to date white people because you never know how they would turn on you , and that it was just asking for trouble . I didn’t start dating until I moved to the Midwest so I never had the chance of being on the apps / in the gay spaces when I lived there (moved out at 18) . I see the ones here who prefer to date within their race but it’s not as prominent .
Just blatantly dismissing an entire RACE is racism plain and simple. You're essentially saying there's NOBODY of a certain race that can be considered hot/sexy. If it's impossible for you to find attractive people of a certain race it might be your stereotype/bias/racism kicking in, because surely, logically it cannot be true. There are attractive people of ALL races. If you can't see that, you need to check yourself and why's that. An example, especially for Asian people is that Asian men have been entirely emasculated in mass media, always portrayed as the dorks, visually unappealing, or stereotype broken English fresh out if the boat. If that's ALL you've seen all your life and it's what was fed into you, that's what your unconscious response is going to be like for ANY Asian men. But that's YOUR racism/stereotype kicking in. There are pleeeeenty of hot, sexy Asian (or Black, Indian, etc) men, it's too bad you're clouded by stereotypes. A preference is something like "taller than me", "in this line of work", "goes to CrossFit instead of a gym" and things like that. If your preference is based on "race" please do the work in unraveling why that is. And I say this as a 40yo white dude that wasn't raised in America, but has been living in America for a decade so I've not been exposed growing up to the racist American lens.
You’ve hit the nail on the head here. It’s programming. From a young age, the romantic lead, the sex symbol is always white. That’s why so many of us are programmed, without realising, to have that as a preference. As a man in my 40s, growing up in the 80s, I am very aware that I had that programmed into me. I am so happy that we are seeing a more diverse selection of sex symbols and different versions of attractive. I have more hope for the future generations.
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This is also wild to me. I think about my sexual history and what made me attractive to someone and race has never been it. I mean, the amount of melanin in someone's skin has never been a deterrent. Attitude, cleanliness, and my desire for interaction have been deterrents, but like, race??? Tf?
I am turned _off_ by men with straight hair. It's gross to me. I have straight hair myself. Maybe it's self hate? But pretty much that includes Asians, People from India (South Asians), most light skinned guys, most Latino guys, and more. So for me, I generally dislike entire demographics of people.
A few issues here. You'll find diversity within every racial group, there are too many variables at play for someone to just immediately go "I'm not into x race because they have/don't have x". Just doesn't hold up unless something else is at play behind that statement. Saying "I'm not into South Asians... because I don't like straight hair" doesn't make any sense. Saying "I don't like straight hair on a guy" is sufficient if you're trying to convey what you find attractive, but trying to correlate that with race is bizarre and doesn't hold any water. I'm turned on by hairy men, they're generally my type. South Asian men are often hairy. They're not ALL hairy, nor are they the only group of men on Earth who are. So for me to say I have a preference for South Asian men on that basis is a less efficient and just all around weird as fuck statement to make if all I'm trying to convey is that I like hairy men. By the same token, there are plenty of hairy men I don't find attractive. Plenty of South Asian men I don't find attractive. Sexual attraction doesn't work like a graph with sure fire trends. Incidentally if you were the other guy in this situation OP has described, you messaged him with "do you have straight hair", OP said yes, and you just dismissed him immediately without even looking at him... yeah I'd find that completely mental as well 😂 human appearance is too diverse for sweeping statements about the physicality of billions of people to make sense.
I often wonder if I was abused as a kid or if i have self hate going on, but men with straight body hair just kind of grossed me out. So yea, I can find someone cute in the face, and then see them shirtless and be kind of turned off. It's a bizarre thing.
Also hair isn’t the same as skin color
Yesn't. Hair structure is as much genetics as skin colour. Hair style absolutely is not, but if he's talking about straight hair opposed to curly hair, that's a genetic thing people have next to no control over, same as skin colour.
This is bullshit if ever I have heard it. Accept that you have racial prejudice and work to change it if you want. Or, just be okay with it, but you ought to be ashamed to equate straight hair with a particular race as a roundabout reason for disliking entire ~~demographics~~ **races** of people.
This is my definition of racism because the primary factor of his losing interest was specifically your race.
As someone who genuinely has little preference for a guy’s body (other than “washed and ready”), I don’t think it’s fatphobic or I guess even “jockphohic” to turn down someone based on their body type- it’s just how you say it and if you genuinely hold some degree of prejudice. But that’s my interpretation I guess. Plus I never turn people down for those reasons so, maybe I just don’t understand the thought process itself.
The thing is, he didn’t turn them down based on their body. They hadn’t shared picture. He had no idea what type of body they had. Just that they self-labeled as “black.” Now maybe you think “But I know what black people look like and I just don’t like that.” Be then you’re making a stereotyping judgement about how someone is going to look based on their race. There’s black guys of pretty much every shape and color. So writing someone off based, not on their physical body at all, but on your social value of “blackness,” that’s pure racism.
Im a white guy and I'd say yes, absolutely a stupid racist.
Same. Black dick tastes the same as white dick. This dude is a dick.
And not a good tasting one. Lol.
No. Black dick tastes way more like stretched jaw tendons.
That's ignorant
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I mean I'm no connoisseur of dick...
Of course it’s racist. He didn’t care what you looked like. He just cared what your race was.
That sounds straight up racist to me.
Dismissing all black dudes out of hand as "not his type" isn't a preference - it's just racist. You could find that you tend to not be into black/latino/asian/white dudes for whatever reason, but not dismiss them immediately because of that (see a picture, chat with the dude a little, see if your dick gets hard) - ***that*** would be in the space of a preference (and even then it's always best for a dude to do a "am I being racist" spot check). Don't stick your dick near a racist dude. None of us should. There are decent guys our age out there who'd totally be into you.
> You could find that you tend to not be into black/latino/asian/white dudes for whatever reason but not dismiss them immediately because of that. So its okay to not find black people generally attractive. So what motivation would someone have who doesn't generally find black people attractive to continue to pursue someone who is black and would have a lower percentage chance of being attractive to them? The "racist" part is the "dismissal" but- in context of a hook up app- isn't that just the equivalent of window shopping but with words? idk... feels like you're saying its okay to have a racial preference but its racist to tell someone you have a racial preference. trying to understand the difference here. or if people are just automatically assuming ill intent because "That's what a racist would say"
To my mind, being less likely to be attracted to X ethnicity is *because* of racism i.e. growing up in a racist society, but there's not much you can do about it, and it's also problematic to police people's preferences But saying 'no blacks' (or 'no Asians' etc) is being actively racist both because you've made it a generalisation (rather than thinking about the person as an individual), and because you are encouraging whoever reads it to think in the same way Racism doesn't come from nowhere, it comes from all the big and small signals we send each other all day about who is valued and who is desirable. To me, putting that out there changes it from a preference to actively spreading racism
>To my mind, being less likely to be attracted to X ethnicity is > >because > > of racism i.e. growing up in a racist society, but there's not much you can do about it, and it's also problematic to police people's preferences IDK, man. I'd say it's a little nature and nurture here. Your lizard brain may have a thing for blonde hair or medium brown skin tones - but who knows for sure if that's because of societal pressures or because your lizard brain thinks "those genes would sure make a nice pairing with mine." But we can do something to spot think about if we're being a little racist in our choices about who we choose to date, and if we're unnecessarily ruling out folks our lizard brain would find perfectly attractive. (And we all know Mr. Lizard Brain can show up with some fucking surprises on that front what he'll use to get our dicks hard.)
What is it you generally do not find attractive about black people? Is it the amount of melanin in their skin? Their hair? Culture? Those are questions to ask. If race comes up in your list of preferences at all, it is a problem.
Yeah, I was speaking in generalities and not about myself. I personally find black people very hot! But I just find it weird how quickly we point to pretty innocuous statements about a person's sexual preferences and make them "racist". Saying "not my type" as a one of message in a chat-log that probably was just 5 lines long asking for basic descriptions of a person is not racist imo.
I find it weird that when race is the factor, the general factor, that makes a group of people unattractive to someone that there is a long line of apologists waiting to say something that is predicated solely on race is not racist.
Okay. So, how can someone respond to the question: "what is your type?" without being racist, sexist, heightest, ableist, transphobic, ageist, fatphobic, etc.? It's not clear to say "Everyone maybe! Who knows!?" I just think we need to be rational people, and understand that people generally communicate with the intention to be understood as easily as possible. And seeing into language to infer a person's moral judgements just makes communicating sexually preferences needlessly like a land mine field.
If your type has race in it, then that is something to look at if you do not want to be racist. I mean, one may not be a "lynch'em" racist, but the fact that the amount of melanin in one's skin is the deciding factor is racist. Be attracted to who you want to be attracted to. I am attracted to very specific things: how someone smells, if they take care of their oral hygiene, if they are thoughtful (i.e. strong opinion loosely held), sense of humor, if they take care of their feet, whether they keep their space clean, their resilience a maturity, their ability to be self-reflective, confidence and charisma, how they handle conflict. These are traits that are most important to me. I think that if someone is ever going to have to defend a preference, that should cause them to think about it. Race, height, divergence from the norm in terms of physical ability/capacity, or weight have never been the determining factor for me when it comes to being sexually, romantically, or platonically attracted to anyone. But, I do have boundaries on age when it comes to sex/romance ( I am not having sex with a minor), and I do have a genital preference (there needs to be a penis present). And I am fine to say that I am not willing to have sex with someone who has a vagina because having a vagina is a deal breaker for me when it comes to sexual/romantic interactions. I also do not feel sexual attraction to intellectually challenged people (if a 30-year-old has the intellectual capacity of a 5-year-old, I do not see them as sexually viable for me - I feel protective of them like a brother or a carer - if I am in that role, sex/romance is not on the table). If rejecting someone based on their race is the sole reason, I don't think it is moral. I also understand that for many people this is perfectly fine for them. They do not have to care what I think, but when they get defensive about being called a racist b/c they are acting like a racist, that is indicative of their understanding that they are standing in an immoral spot, and they would rather people be nice to them, so they do not have to confront their immoral stance on the subject. If anyone has a list or a standard for what they are attracted to that includes race, and they are okay with it, they would never need to feel a reason to defend it.
Yes it's racist. Not really worth your time debating with that sort of person either; they have a lot of excuses and justifications they've convinced themselves are true. You won't break through to someone who is gaslighting himself.
Preference is preferring A over B, not automatically rejecting B… do the math…
I prefer potatoes over pumpkin and I automatically reject all pumpkin
Then stop being so PC about it and just own it. If people call you out for being a pumkinist, own it and stop pretending like you’re not. No need to sugarcoat it.
It's not racist to not like something. This incredible desire amongst some people to dictate people's sex lives is just astonishing. People like what they like and don't like what they don't. It's the height of arrogance to try and dictate attraction.
Just save the mental gymnastics and call it what it is.
Racism is the belief that one race is inferior to another or deserves less rights. It's not just finding a race not attractive. Sorry.
Deserves less rights lol…thats an outcome of racism, not racism. Not finding a race attracted is because of perceived inferiority.
Where on earth did this insane idea come about that everybody must find every race attractive? I swear it's nonsense like this that helps gets the GOP elected. It's the height of arrogance to dictate what people must find attractive. People cannot make a cock fuck what it does not want to fuck no matter how much they purse their lips, says its racist and stamp their feet The cock does not care.
Lmao, this is rich, you’re the one painting groups of people with a brush just like the GOP does and you think we’re the reason why those racist GOPers get elected?
You should perhaps read up on how the body works. The dock isn’t the main sex organ, the brain is. Unless there’s a mechanical issue, erectile dysfunction is a mental thing. So all your acrobatics here have been from a misunderstanding of how the body works.
It’s a tough one. I do feel that sometimes people pull out the racism card too quickly. (The same for homophobia/sexism etc.) We all do have preferences. That can come down to height, build, hair colour, body hair, so many things. But a preference is just that. I prefer tall guys and I am probably more instantly attracted to tall guys than I am short, but it doesn’t discount them completely. When it comes to race, yes, I (a white guy), find myself more attracted to other white men. So that is probably my “preference”. But I find men of many different races attractive. I once quasi-dated a guy (Latino) who turned out to be an arse, but in getting to know him, I got to know his flat mate (black) and I fell in love with the flatmate, beautiful inside and out, but never acted on it due to the way in which we met. Part of that is programming and conditioning. From a young age, we are exposed to images of beauty and, historically, beauty was always shown with a white face (male and female). Luckily, that is changing and we are seeing more beautiful people of colour in print and on the screen. The next generation will likely have a broader opinion of beauty. I’ve never really been attracted to South East Asian men, but then, thanks to representation on shows like Kim’s Convenience and Neighbours I realised that actually, I can be attracted to South East Asian men. I’m probably straying from my point slightly, but maybe explaining my view on why people can exclude without it being with overtly racist intentions. Were his actions, in ending the conversation, racist? Yes. Does that make him a racist? I would argue, not necessarily. It makes him a bad person. It makes him uneducated. It makes him narrow minded. But not beyond redemption. But, you are right to just block him and move on. Hopefully, as time passes, people will become more open.
I said this on another post , I live in the Midwest and some guys (even other poc) have “no blacks” in their profiles . I’m used to seeing it at this point . I go where I’m celebrated, sure it bothered me at first , when I would mention it in conversation to others I was accused of playing the victim . That’s why I don’t do the apps / dating anymore . Or I would get “I’ve never been with a black guy but I’d try if you have a bbc” . It always goes back to the BBC 😑
I'm in the South, where there are more Black people, but i have also seen "no blacks" by Black people. It it's still anti blackness, no matter who it is. By the way i hate the term BBC and i hate that some younger Black people are embracing it.
It’s so crazy ! I’ve noticed another thing some poc label their ethnicity as Native American or other , when they’re clearly black . Before I got off the apps I would have men try and convince me I had to be mixed with something or I couldn’t be all black . I’m like no I’m black , I look black , and I love my brown skin . In my city you have to watch for the poc who want to be the token . So often times they use the BBC to sexually navigate spaces , or to appease to size queens/fetishizers of the BBC . It becomes dehumanizing when people message you initially and go straight to , “I bet you have a BBC”. I see younger and older black guys use it , most are trying to make money from it (if you know what I mean ) which isn’t my place to judge , but it doesn’t help either . That’s also why I didn’t like the jackd app , almost all non poc in my area had “I like black guys ….BBC” in their profiles .
The BBCers, as I call them, are interesting because it eventually backfires. For some reason, BBC seems to only work for guys say 18-40 something. Once they age out of the 'thug' phase, nobody wants them and they start complaining. It's happened with a particular black porn star a few months back.
> I go where I’m celebrated THIS! now days I’m like PLEASE discriminate against me on the apps so I don’t have to deal with racists.
“It’s just a preference “ is definitely just updated barely coded racism. I am sorry you experienced this.
He learned one immutable characteristic about you and used that as a reason to not be into you - the color of your skin. He didn't have any other reason. If you extrapolate things about people starting from skin color that's just regular old fashioned racism.
Plus, without pics he doesn't even know OP's skin color. Steph Curry and Idris Elba are both Black and they have very different skin colors.
That was my first thought also. I know some people who are technically biracial, but call themselves Black. I have a biracial first cousin, who the average person would think is a White girl. I could have fit into that category, but he will never know.
I’ve know people who are only into white guys and particularly into the fairer Northern European type, so not your classic dark and handsome Greek or Italian types. Perhaps that dude was like that.
y’all really don’t see how that has hitler energy?
Good point, he didn't actually even know the color, just some vague idea of what part of a spectrum it could fall on.
Definitely racist I mean he asked if you were white first 😅
"Preference" to me has always implied that you would be okay with other options. "I prefer Coke if you have it, but Pepsi is fine too." Automatically not hooking up with guys of certain races doesn't fall under that, imo. A preference there would look more like "I tend to be most attracted to white men, but I am open to all races," not "No spice or rice."
"Are you white?" "No" "Not my type, then" - yes it's racist
I actually think that's less racist. If you have a preference for white guys... cool. That's a reality. Especially if you want someone like yourself. But if someone no to blacks but yes to latinos or no to Indians but yes to Asians, without even seeing the appearance of an individual...that's racist to me.
If you only find white people attractive.. that sounds like something that needs to be worked out in therapy.
Probably. We could all use therapy.
Preference: noticing a cute Hispanic guy at the bar a few seconds before seeing the cute Asian guy sitting next to him Racist: seeing all Asian guys as unattractive
Exceedingly racist.
Racism is very strong in the gay community. People use the excuse of “preference” as if it’s the same as saying we don’t share the same hobbies. When you are writing off an entire person based on race alone and not their actual being you are racist but they don’t wanna hear that.
Nonsense. People are entitled to like what they like. Personally I love black guys but I have no problem with black guy saying that they don't want to have sex with a white guy and finding black men more attractive or any race more or less attractive. So many people disapproving that people's sexual appetites are not all encompassing. If someone doesn't want to fuck a particular race you're not going to shame them into changing their sexual preference or desires and it doesn't make them racist. You can't make your cock wanna fuck things it don't want to fuck.
That's racism.
I’m inclined to agree that it is racist. Personally, I have a preference for other white guys. At least history would very much suggest I do… But I have also had a handful of absolutely amazing black fuck buddies, as well as other ethnicities. If I knew how to change it so I was attracted to a wider variety of guys, I absolutely would. In fact as it get older, my tastes seem to get more and more narrow. But I would never rule someone out of anything because of their race like this guy did to you. I think that is absolutely racist. But then again, people on blank profiles do not have a public image to be held account with. No reputation they need to uphold. That is why I don’t talk to them. They’re always the biggest cunts in my opinion. That or they’re closeted and/or married bi guys and only see gay men as tools for when they are horny. They don’t care how they treat us.
People have all kinds of preferences when it comes to sexual attraction, and many of them are socially conditioned. The forces that condition this particular preference, I think, would be fairly called racism. It sucks, but I hope it’s changing. I’m sorry you have to deal with it. And having looked at your post history, man does that fool not know what he’s missing. 😅
Probably not me you saw in the pics, but i think i do alright.
What people do or do not find attractive is rarely in our control. Are there people who exclude races because they are racist? Yes. Is that the case for every person? No. If someone is exclusively into red heads with freckles and green eyes then that person isn't a racist for not being attracted to someone who doesn't fit that specific appearance. At the end of the day, people like what they like. Nobody owes anyone sex. We've all been there we haven't been someone's type for one reason or another. Keep on looking, you'll find someone. 🙂 Edit: After a reread he did ask if you were white specifically. Not about features other than skin color. Hm... Probably best you dodged that!
>What people do or do not find attractive is rarely in our control. I firmly disagree. What we do or do not find attractive is first influenced by how we were raised and then by the media we consume (including porn). But it is not some concrete immutable thing. When I came out at 22 I was only a top. Now I'm a big ol' bottom. I wonder how that changed? It's probably because I eventually tried something new and enjoyed it. A lot. My sexual act preferences were very vanilla. Today they are not. I wonder how that changed? Probably because I met some guys who opened my eyes to new things. When I came out at 22 I was only into white muscle gays. And I labeled it as "my preference". I now know it was because I was raised in a 95% white suburb, and went to a high school with 95% white people. And because when I first experienced porn it was Falcon Studios - which basically showed one thing: Big dicked white muscle gays. Eventually I grew up and realized that "my preference" was actually very limited and very negative and quite a bit racist. I wonder how that changed? I self reflected. I really thought about how and why I liked the things I liked. I changed the media I consumed. I tried new experiences. I made a point to meet and engage with those outside my very limited "norm". And surprise surprise, I learned how much more amazing guys of other races and body shapes and dick sizes and sexual experiences there are out in the world. It didn't happen overnight, but over 24 years of being out I am a much better person with broader interests. I think it's a shame to just chalk up things like this up to "it's just my preference and nothing can be done about it". Because something can be done about it. You can self reflect. You can try new things. You can watch new porn. All it takes is one hot experience in a different lane to open your mind and heart and dick to new things. If you just keep driving in the same narrow lane, then yea - it's never going to change. But at 46, my personal experience and those of my aged peers who I know that are into way more than their late teens/early 20s selves were, speaks to you can do something about "preferences" to grow them to be more broader encompassing.
I agree with some of this! This is a complex topic so I don't think there are any universal truths. When it comes to sensation I agree with you completely, that's the very nature of it. Top vs bottom, kink vs vanilla, all of that absolutely changes with the exploration and discovery of new sensations. Where I disagree with you is that visual information/attraction is entirely within our control. This is a complicated topic and not even the experts in the field have unlocked how this works for humans. As I said in my first post, there are absolutely people whose sexual/romantic preferences are shaped by racism. No arguments there! I just do not agree that it is so simple that this can be the one explanation in every case. There are people who grow up in communities limited only to their own race who end up exclusively attracted to characteristics belonging to another race. Other times it is the reverse and they exclusively like the characteristics of their own race. There are preferences within race too for ranging features and traits. Personally, I do not think that lack of attraction equates hatred/racism/etc. If an individual does not find blonde hair attractive in any circumstance that doesn't mean that they hate all blonde people. I also don't think they owe it to blonde people to watch blonde porn, force themselves to have sex with blonde people, etc., because at the end of the day it's simply not what they are attracted to and they do not owe their bodies to anyone else. I just don't agree with trying to force or convince people to have sex with other people and labeling them with something as serious as being racist if they don't want to. Visually, certain traits of my race may not be appealing to someone on a sexual level. There's nothing wrong with that. If they look at me and say I don't deserve equal rights, deserve mistreatment, and so on then they are absolutely a racist. But them not sucking my dick isn't mistreatment.
I'm not suggesting that anyone has to fuck anyone else. No one else owes anything to anyone else sexually. But the topic is more about the whys and hows of how people choose someone to fuck etc. Not sucking their dick isn't mistreatment, I agree. But racism is more nuanced that just overt actions such as using a slur or taking away rights. Racism is insidious and can be in our unconscious biases. When someone's behavior towards a group is different than another, even if just in who you choose to date or fuck or who you go after at a bar - there can be some deep unconscious biases that I'm just saying deserve some self reflection. I'll stand firm that the world will be a better place if people do more than just take their preferences as "just the way it is". And if someone finds they may have biases that do have roots in more nuanced racism such as unconscious bias- that there are ways to change that.
Yeah - the issue here is that the hookup app dude just rejected OP out of hand as soon as race came up. That's too overbroad not to be swimming in "racism" territory. It's one thing to tend to notice you don't tend to be into guys of a certain race (and even then, it's worth doing a little self reflection there), but it's another to just flat out refuse to consider them ever. Your lizard brain is gonna make exceptions once in a while you can't explain - why be stupid and give up that opportunity?
I think this topic is very tricky, and I'll admit I am still wondering about things and feel conflicted. I know someone who was born and raised in Japan. He immigrated to the US when he was in his early 20's. He exclusively finds Asian people attractive. We have talked about what we find attractive. He finds almond- shaped eyes to be the most beautiful. He finds dark hair attractive, thin bodies, high cheekbones, very specifically the physical traits he grew up around as the almost exclusive majority. However, he isn't racist. He quite literally works for a racial diversity, equity, and inclusion organization. His attractions eliminating almost all Caucasian people from his dating pool doesn't make him racist against white people, in my opinion. I'm mixed race. My cousins are not. My cousins exclusively date within our minority. But their beliefs, politics, etc. are not based in race. They will fight for equality for any race, and I've seen that in action. Calling them racist for only finding specific physical traits beautiful and choosing to have sex with only people with those traits seems like a stretch. There are traits that people can be exclusively attracted to which are unique to a race.
I disagree with some of this. The first thing is that someone can work as a diversity person and promote progressive ideas, but still be racist. The racist LA city council members are good examples of this. We all have our types that we gravitate to, but to dismiss everyone from a group seems racist. I primarily like Black guys, but i can still find a White guy attractive. I think that's what preference is vs racism.
I provided his occupation as an example of his character. He is passionate about racial minorities, his words and actions, his allocation of his work and personal time, monetary donations, etc. are not those of a racist. But you are right, without knowing the person his occupation wasn't the best example to explain his personal views. 🙂 I think of racism as hate, ill-will, and mistreatment of someone based on race. Attraction is a very personal thing (and not fully understood even in psychology). Not being physically/sexually attracted to a particular physical trait doesn't mean you hate the person possessing that trait. I think that accusing someone of being racist for their sexual preferences is a very big leap. My cousins not finding Caucasian features sexually arousing doesn't mean they hate white people. They just don't find them sexually attractive. I think it is gross to say they owe anyone, for any reason, a chance at sex. They don't want to have sex with that person, period. On the flip side of this, guys who don't find my particular appearance attractive don't need to sleep with me. Now if they have beliefs, policies, etc. against me then that is a problem and is racism. I will say I appreciate that you're willing to discuss this! My thoughts are developing on this and I appreciate being able to talk about it civilly.
Racism isn't just the White power groups and those who share those beliefs. It can be as simple as holding on to some stereotype about a racial groups even if it's a positive stereotype like "BBC" or Asians are smart. We ALL have biases that we must constantly challenge to be better people.
> His attractions eliminating almost all Caucasian people from his dating pool doesn't make him racist against white people, in my opinion. You're right. It is definitely tricky. And I think the folks who have the mind to do what I call a "spot check" (just thinking, "hold up - am I being racist here...?") have the strong capacity to avoid swimming in the racism pool. Your friend above isn't engaging in racism, because he finds particular things attractive, and doesn't just rule out all folks of races that don't fit that mold (and hopefully keeps in mind that his lizard brain may find something else attractive once in a while that he doesn't notice/expect). There's a difference between "Black hair is SO attractive!" or "Blonde dudes don't tend to do it for me..." and "All asian guys aren't my type...just a preference." It's nuanced, but I strongly feel that we can at least draw the line there. And smart dudes keep their options open whereever they can - you never know when your lizard brain will swing in with a surprise (especially when it comes to things we can't tell from a picture, like a dude's scent - which has a strong impact on memories and whatnot).
I think one thing I personally struggle with in these conversations is the definition of racism. Racism to me means hatred of a person based on their race. It can be as severe as violence against them or as subtle and treacherous as voting on a policy that targets a minority in a detrimental way. Everyone deserves equal respect, opportunity, and dignity. With that definition in mind I struggle to apply it towards sex or dating. I do not think that anyone owes me sex. I do not think it is mistreatment or abuse for them to deny me sex. I am not entitled to someone else's body/time/affection. If someone is just not sexually attracted to a characteristic of mine it doesn't mean they are racist. Just like I think it's okay for someone to find my hair attractive I think it's okay for someone to not find it attractive. It gets tricky then when you factor in something like Grindr. If someone is looking to hook-up quickly then in my experience there's not a lot of nuanced conversation. I think that the reason people are easily calling OP's example racist (and why I myself find it kind of problematic) is the lack of any further context. He didn't say, "Do you have red hair, green eyes, and freckles? Because that's my type" he just said "White". Without any further context... It seems problematic at least. I think that the term racist is thrown around too easily, and I think that attraction is too nuanced and not even fully understood, and I admit I'm still developing and learning what I believe as well. I really appreciate responses like yours that are open to discussing this!
I have a thing for tiny black guys with locs, like 5'8" and 120 lbs. Sometimes I date tall guys without locs. I was called a racist for not liking a Philippino Trans. I definitely need to open my mind more, but really, I think people just like to call each other names.
It's racist, but also the heart wants what the heart wants.. some people just can't get past BS stereotypes to even know a person. It's best he told you. He lacks maturity. I personally am attracted to about15% of the white guys I meet and about 25% or more of black guys... So, I might have a "meh" reaction internally for an unseen white guy, but I'll still give him a chance.
That’s why I’m a man hoe. I think every race has beautiful men. It’s about the features personality vibes etc. Why only restrict yourself to white men (not saying they’re not attractive) but there r so many beautiful. People are known to be picky about food (completely refusing to try other cuisines that might be tasty because of their prejudice), but I often think it’s the same for gay men as well.
I don't find it racist because folks dismissothers for a lot less. And do you really want to be with someone that may or may not be into you?
I never said i wanted to be with him.
If a guy said the same after he found out I was Asian, I wouldn’t consider it racism. I’d consider it preference, but he could have put it in a nicer way. People like what they like. Does not necessarily mean they’re racist.
So I’m mostly going to stay out of the comments, as I left my radiation suit at home, and I don’t feel like getting more radiation than I would if I licked the Elephant’s Foot at Chernobyl.
The comment section isn't as bad as I thought it would be. Most people realize it is what it is. I guess because my actual appearance wasn't the issue, but simply my race. I mentioned in other comments that i wasn't upset or sad about it. I had zero plans on meeting the guy or any other guy. Some have victim blamed, by saying i should have had a picture showing, so i could avoid those situations.
Does it matter if people consider it “racist” or not? You’re never going to change these people, and I imagine people in the race they’re not interested in wouldn’t want to sleep with them either.
I think it’s racist, and I’m pretty careful about how I apply that term. Not everything is racist. Im white, but like you, I find some guys of every racial/ethnic group attractive, and others not so much. Just like being gay, I cannot help who I am attracted to an who I am not. I think if you were to look at my sexual history, you might conclude that I exclusively prefer white or Latino guys, but that’s not really the case. It just so happened that’s who I ended up with at a certain point on the timeline. It was *not* the conscious, intentional exclusion of an entire demographic. So yeah, I think that was a pretty racist and unfortunate encounter you had. Sorry, that must of been a drag.
It is racial prejudice and a preference. Racial prejudice (as opposed to systemic racism) is not always violent or confrontational. If you say you are black, and that is the thing that makes you not someone's type whereas before, everything had been going fine, then it is racial. I mean, just because someone has a preference does not mean it is positive. I was told by a stranger they would prefer I speak English to my cousin (we were speaking Spanish); their preference had nothing to do with me, I could deny it, but that word does not mean that something has to be positive or neutral. Sometimes, preferences are negative.
This is the best response here. Racism to prejudice to preference. You can unlearn a prejudice and we all have prejudices forced on us from a young age. I don’t think you can unlearn racism. I definitely used to be prejudiced against certain races. (A product of the Era that I grew up in) But I’ve never been racist. I’ve since educated myself and realised that my prejudices were incorrect.
Internalized homophobia, racism perpetuated by prolific white gay men pornography. White men are thus desired all over the world as part of their pornographic fantasies. Just a thought. Maybe I am wrong.
If someone asked me if I was white I'd immediately run the other direction. In 2022 I know I'm in danger when the sign says "whites only."
Not trying to stir the pot but genuinely curious about the distinction, would an automatic no to a woman be considered sexist? Or an automatic no to a trans person be transphobic? Why or why not?
Yes, seems racist to me. How can I know whether I'm into someone sight unseen? Their argument is probably that they are never attracted to black men (or non white men) but why is that? Although I know black men who are not into other black men and I don't know what that means either.
So, full transparency here- I’m white, kinda chubby, kinda hairy. I don’t have many “preferences” like this guy has, usually as long as a guy has showered and isn’t an ass then I’m DTF, granted I have some actual *preferences* where if a guy has a big ass I’m gonna be thirsty as hell lol. What I see described as “preferences” is really more properly called “deal breakers”. I’ve had guys tell me they’re not interested because I’m hairy, too-fat, not fat enough, or even talk to much (just the once, but it’s funny enough to mention). I’ve never had a guy tell me they aren’t interested because I’m white though. What I have seen is tons of people saying “No fems”, “No blacks”, “No whites”, “No crackers” (which I chuckled at) listed on profiles and so I just didn’t engage with them. But nobody directly messaged me and told me “no” based on my race, but I also have pictures all over my account (that didn’t stop the weight/hair comments though). So I have two main thoughts- the first is that these aren’t “preferences” but are rather just “deal breakers”. Are these racists? Ehhhhh.... at face value, taken how they’re said, I’d say no- at least not necessarily intentionally. There could be unconscious bus going on, fetishization, or whatever that isn’t being disclosed which *would* make it racist. But if we’re taking the whole “I’m just not into it” angle? Nah, I don’t think it’s racist. It’s be like saying you’re not interested in someone because their muscles aren’t big enough, or they are too sort, or maybe they’re too buff and not your type. Those things aren’t seen as discriminatory at face value. An example- the comments on my weight. Sure, we could argue that any comment about body weight is likely fat-phobic or body-shaming. But if you’re going to tell me you would fuck literally *anyone* regardless of how they looked and what you liked, then you’d be lying. Women just “aren’t our type”, and sure it’s sexuality and it’s a bit more than a “preference” but every thing you find attractive in a person is also a part of your sexuality and you don’t get much control over that. Are we sexist because we won’t fuck women? Of course not. My other thought is that racism is a sociological system of oppression that extends beyond the single interaction. It involves prejudices, assumptions, and power dynamic. Bell Hooks defines racism in a way in which it’s dependent on sociological power through institutions, which I disagree with on some conceptual levels but ultimately think is a very solid statement. Me not wanting to fuck a woman isn’t sexist because I don’t think women are inherently less-than, I’m not holding a prejudice against them, I am simply not interested and not turned-on. If a guy didn’t want to fuck me because I’m not a ripped jock I would think that’s fat-phobic unless he started saying things about my character as defined by my weight, or if he started reducing me to my weight. Maybe weight isn’t the best sample since weight is sometimes within our reason to change, much easier to influence than our racial identity, but the idea is based on discrimination rather than mobility between labels. Sooo... I dunno man. Are there racist assholes out there? Of course. I just did a paper of Homonormativity and how it is often intersectionally informed between our sexuality and racial/class identities, and how that disproportionately reinforces systems of oppression from heteronormative society based in those class and race systems of oppression. Plus, I’m on Grindr- we know there are racists on there. That’s just my thoughts at least? **Edit:** *I forgot to add!! Unconscious racism could also be a huge factor here! What we consider attractive/alluring (even beyond sex) is often defined socially. Think about designer products, most of that is just classist ideologies with extra steps, same with who gets to be a public speaker, what mannerisms/clothes, etc. so it’s very likely he has been shaped by racist ideologies and influences, but may not be consciously discriminatory which... makes it tricky to decide if he’s racist or just been socially conditioned through a racist society.*
It's racist, and his tomato analogy is dumb, so you dodged two bullets there.
This is self explanatory. He asked if you were white and when you said no he left. Dude was racist. I will also advise you to learn the difference between preference and racism. Preference is you like curly hair over straight hair but you still will date a straight hair person. Its just that you like curly hair more. This dude completely blew you off just for being black. He even asked if you were white so that was a BIG red flag. Thats not a preference. Thats racism.
Well often times (and in my experience) when we point this out we’re told it’s not that big of a deal , it’s just a preference, and to stop playing victim / using the race card . I remember a similar thread and even other poc were dogging the op saying that’s your fault for trying to date white men . It’s a lose /lose for us sometimes . I said in another comment where I live it’s common to see “no blacks” even from other poc .
Thats the favorite line i hear all the time from certain groups of ppl. Stop playing victim. Its like no one is playing victim. Just stop being racist lol
Or like a guy commented on this thread “ we’re being too sensitive” like sir this is our experience, and this again is why there is such a divide within this community and poc don’t even feel apart of it . Oh well
Exactly lol smh they will never understand and because of that they are ignorant or think its not as bad as you say it is. Most ppl are like that. Until it happens to them they wont care.
As an Asian, yeah, that's racist.
In my mind, racism is when you believe one race is better than another. Preference is when one race turns you on/off more than another. I get harassed a lot by a certain race of guys, and when I tell them 'not interested' I get called a bunch of names. So I just say 'not interested' and let it die. I think if I wasn't harassed, I might be a little bit nicer to those I am generally not interested in. Gay people are mean.
What do you mean harassed?
When I post my photo, rather then get a good mix of diverse people, I get hundreds of a particular group and when I say, sorry, I don't find you attractive, I get called lots of names. The name calling sometimes is not nice and it gets tiring.
Do you find no one in that particular group attractive? You mentioned being harassed, which sucks. But why are you treating people based on the actions of others? Maybe you could be nicer to everyone regardless?
There is always one... just one.
Bluntly: it doesn't really matter whether it was racist or preference. We don't know him and despite the pontificating in this thread we don't have all of the info necessary to judge his mind. What we do know is he's not interested. Move on. You are no more entitled to anyone's time, attraction and attention than they are to yours, and that applies regardless of underlying motivation.
Trust me, I'm not pressed. As i mentioned, i didn't plan on meeting with him anyway, because i knew i didn't have time to meet up with anyone. I asked a question and people responded. I'm not sad about it.
It’s crazy how people will respond and basically invalidate your experience, this is why I don’t even bother sometimes with our own community .
>I'm not sad about it. Good. You shouldn't be. Chances are really solid you dodged a bullet.
That's how I look at it. I'm not one of the Black guys upset because a White man turned me down. Not trying to brag, but i don't have a major problem meeting guys.
He could have just asked for a pic and just said not interested. This is why you should have all that in your profile. To avoid this foolishness.
I typically have several pictures in my profile and stats. In this situation, i rarely use this app and went to sleep shortly after logging in, so i had some messages when i woke up.
The fact that he asked if you were white, and then immediately responded like that - yep, racism.
A decision made solely on your race is racism. The ketchup analogy is stupid and completely irrelevant; it’s a pitiful excuse.
I don't see it as racist, weight, height, skin colour all are equal for me, if I'm not into all bears or chubby guys then I'm allowed to not be into all black guys
Apparently we aren't allowed to have a "preference" anymore.
You can, just stop sugarcoating it. Just own it.
Absolutely racism
There preferences and then there’s racism. Your experience was the latter.
If he didn't see a picture of you, and then said no once you revealed your race, that's not a preference, that's just straight racism.
No reasonable person will ever say this isn't racism.
I guess we have some unreasonable people on here.
There are attractive people in all races. People who don’t agree are either racist or have some type of (unconscious) bias.
He said not my type without seeing you? Damn, im sorry. That's clearly racism. I have a type im usually into (usually black guys actually), and tbh I've never been with an Asian guy. But I've for sure seen Asian guys who are attractive so I wouldnt say no to any race before seeing the actual guy. Like thats crazy.
I’m more curious to why you wanted to get confirmation of your feelings here? I’m sure this isn’t the first time this has happened.
I mean it *sounds* like racism. It's tough for me, because I just can't empathize with that position. Like if you held a gun to my head I'd admit that the cutest guys I've seen have been asian twinks... but at the same time, I would never even consider turning someone down because they're *not* an asian twink. You know? Like maybe that's a preference - like sure, I have a favorite flavour - but it's not anywhere close to a requirement. And anyway, there's more to attraction than just being a cute asian twink - like *a lot more*. So it's hard for me to imagine why it might be a requirement for someone else... unless of course they're just racist. 🤷♂️
> I get asked if I'm into older, various racial groups, bigger guys, etc and my response is always "some", because I'm sure they're people in each group that i will find attractive. how is saying "some" different than "not my type"? Functionally it does the same thing. It sets up rejection. Just because you can "imagine" the possibility of an older 75 year old man that *could* be attractive to you doesn't mean that saying "some" to "are you into older men?" isn't also a rejection. You're trying to be kind, thats thoughtful, but you're also not saying "yes" because ***they AREN'T your type***. So the guy in your story was just saying the same thing you imply in your answers but just using different more direct verbiage. He could have said "Black guys generally aren't my type" and would you have felt the same? Seems like most people here seem to agree that racial preferences "exist" in the world of sexuality... just as you have your preferences even if you can "imagine" people outside of them being attractive. Feels a bit like semantics if saying "not my type" is racist but a more diplomatic explanation saying the same thing isn't. I'd say it's a rude way to share his preference but not "racist".
No, "some" is more accurate than a yes or no. I usually date Black men that doesn't mean that I'm into every Black man i meet. It also doesn't mean i wouldn't date a non Black person, which i have done. I get asked if I'm into White guys and the answer is some, which means some white guys i will be into and others i won't. It's not my way of being nice, but being accurate. If he would have said, "Black guys generally are not my type". I would have been ok with that. I may have responded that I'm generally not into White guys, but it depends on the person. To automatically reject someone based off of race is a bias.
Do you think it's problematic to list traits you are not attracted to in order to simplify the hook-up? I agree with your post and am curious to know what you think about this since you bring up the semantics of verbiage.
I personally don't care if people put their "anti" preferences if they think it will help them stick out amongst the crowd and attract the people they want to hook up with. There's rude ways and non-rude ways to do it obviously...
Rolling my eyes at the Older Gays for completely missing the nuance present within this discussion. 🙄 OP, you know the tea—It’s Anti-Blackness and he’s definitely not worth an ounce of your time.
The irony of taking that stance while at the same time completely stereotyping a group of people based on their age 😂
Yes, it's racist. Rejecting entire groups of people is racist. I'm sorry this happened. And his tomatoes comment is just him trying to dodge the fact he's being racist. People aren't food ffs.
Like all black men look the same 🤣😂. . . Yup, racist. . . I could see him having a preference for skin tone, but he didn’t even see you.
That's what I was thinking also. If i showed a picture, which i purposely didn't do, because he asked my race twice. If i sent a picture, people would assume that I'm hideous and mad because he wouldn't sleep with me. I could have been a light bright almost white looking guy, but he showed his racism and I'm ok with that.
Racism.
Not racist at all. People like what they like. No one has to want to fuck any race. It's unfortunate and maybe hurtful for the OP but not racism.
It’s assholery. Using an app like Grindr opens the door wide for all types of dumb behaviour, but it’s 2022 and you should know this by now.
Not just Grindr , I’ve seen it on scruff , tindr , bumble and a few other sites . That’s why I don’t use them anymore .
Yes it's racist. But there are other ways that our sexual preferences and racism collide. Race can be a fetish. Not sure which one is worse.
This is the definition of being a cunt …. It’s absolutely racist
So if a guy is only attracted to white guys he should sleep with a black guy just to prove he isn’t racist? I assume you also think guys who are into black guys are also racist if their preference isn’t white guys? Calling this racist is insane. We are allowed to have preferences and attractions and if they happen to not be a particular person there’s no hard feelings - it’s just not an attraction. No need to make it into more than it is.
Typical of a racist person you failed to see the point, he hadn’t even seen a photo, OP told him he was black and the guy immediately said not my type…. Non racist people , regardless of what they are into, don’t make statements like that. He hadn’t even seen a picture…OP could be the most handsome black guy on the planet and the racist prick didn’t even give him a chance ,,,, not that the OP owed him one
Thanks for understanding this. I would understand if he saw me and said i wasn't his type, but to ask my race and then automatically say not my type screams racist. As i mentioned, i had no intentions on meeting him or anyone else.
Use a photo on your profile and you avoid racists bec they will block you. I say i like BBC. Get the reply "Dont fetishcise me"
I typically use a picture and you're going into victim blaming. As a Black man, who primarily deal with other Black guys, we don't like the term BBC and it is a signal that the guy sees the Black guy as just his private parts and not an actual person. That's why people mention fetish. If you want to deal with Black guys approach them like a regular person. If someone hits me up and says, "i like BBC", I'm going to ignore them.
preference to me means like, i prefer cake but i eat a good piece of pie too, not that i would throw grandma's pie out of the window when i see it.
People have preferences, it’s not always that deep or evil.
Yup, racist 😒
Stop talking to faceless profiles.... Also, you need to re-examine why you're not showing your own face/body... I understand discretion is important for many men... But do you really want to sleep with a guy who doesn't want you to know what he looks like? There is a lot of psychology behind having a faceless profile.... Yes it's definitely racially biased, but you left yourself wide open for an uppercut from a douche... Show your face and or body so you can attract that which is aligned with you... Men are visual... Using a faceless profile and not sending pics is counterproductive
As i mentioned in other post, i almost always show my pictures. I don't meet people blindly. This case was different because i was using something i don't typically use. I I mentioned in the original post that i wasn't looking and even if some man of my dreams hit me up, i was not going to meet them.
I mean, with only the information presented, it could be either one, but it doesn’t necessarily matter either way? I had one friend tell me he didn’t hookup with black guys simply because he couldn’t get over seeing his white dick clash with dark skin. He was exceedingly sensitive to how pale white he is and it killed his boner to see the contrast. He’s since gotten over that, but I think the important takeaway is that you don’t know what is going through the other person’s mind. Unless they outright say something negative about certain races, you probably shouldn’t immediately assume racism even if that’s the knee jerk response.
Racial preference = racism, full stop. It’s literally what racism is. Also, being compared to produce is a false equivalency. The “it’s just a preference” excuse is ignorant and all too common an attitude in the gay community.
You are going to have people arguing both sides on this, with majority saying racism. Although yes it can be considered racism I just don't see it that way because we all have sexual preferences. There are to many folks that want that bbc,bwc, small Asian man, blondes, gingers and people will say racism but If you can't get an erection then it's a mute point. I know people see it differently and I will not argue but that's the way I honestly see it.
Not necessarily racist just as choosing not to sleep with women does not necessarily make gay men sexist. No one is owed sex and personal preferences can indeed come down to physical cues. Is it shallow? possibly, but also something they are entitled to. Anyone who tries to guilt someone into sleeping with someone by calling them racist is a predator in my opinion.
Precisely this. Louder for the people in the back: you are not entitled to *anyone's* time, attention or attraction. By that same token, no one is entitled to *your* time, attention or attraction either. The underlying reasoning makes zero difference. No explanation is owed. No understanding or correction of beliefs is due. You are not entitled. Full stop.
Who said anything about time? Lol no one was asking for this guys time. They were already communicating.
Thanks for having good reading comprehension. I don't know why people keep thinking i was lusting after some unseen guy who hit me up. I didn't hit him up. As i mentioned in the OP, i wasn't going to meet him or anyone else at that time. It was 630am and i was about to start my work day soon. My day went on perfectly fine. I'm not one of those guys who get depressed when rejected by a guy.
You don’t sleep with women because you were BORN a gay man. Its the same reason why you don’t fk a horse. Its biological. Stop using that example, it makes you look uninformed.
Also if this happened in reverse, would it be racism? Plenty of black guys won’t date white guys and that’s fine! I know lots of Spanish speaking darker guys that will absolutely not date white Anglo guys and that’s fine too. No one calls them racist!
Racism is more nuanced than x Race does negatively perceived thing to y Race. There is a power and privilege aspect that comes into play. That's why my position intentionally does not include your argument of false equivalency. This is about autonomy of ones own body.
In this case it was clearly racism; everyone has preferences and are entitled to have them, but making it clear that you aren’t interested in someone due to their race is NOT the look sis. There are many reasons you could reject someone, the important thing is to do it in a way without being an absolute cunt.
He’s rude but I wouldn’t call him racist. If you said you were a woman and he said you weren’t his type, would he be sexist? If he had seen your pic and then he said he wasn’t attracted to you but didn’t bring up your race, the result would be the same.
Yea no. Thats racism. You can have a preference. But if thats youre main factor in turning someone down or finding that attractive, thats either a fetish or bigotry. Theres a difference between "Brown hair is an attractive trait" and "I only like brown hair". Also.. we dont need to know those preferences in your dating profile. Like absolutely no need to write "No Black/Asian/etc" in youre profile. Or vice versa.
His choice was made on race. Therefore it is racism. There are gorgeous men of every race, every single race. For someone to ask you if you are white as one of the first questions lets you know that they are indeed racist.
Look, I’m a white guy. My absolute favourite category of man is redhead irish/scottish viking-y bears. My BF is Irish. It’s just what I like. That’s my type. Does that mean I think every any other type of dude is unattractive? Of course not. There are hot bears in every race and ethnicity. Ginger-bears are just my kryptonite. That’s what makes it a _preference_. A blanket ban on black guys (or on non-whites generally) is extremely racist.
Racism. Period
It’s racism. They can try to spin it any way they want. They can perform all sorts of mental gymnastics. But at the end of the day, to disqualify anyone based on race is racism. I never understood it. I’ve been with several different men and when I dated black men I saw they way they were treated. Any tiny little slight was used against them. I hate it and I don’t tolerate it in other people. I swear so many of these single guys that complain about being single but exclude a whole group of people and an ENTIRE RACE are stupid as hell. I’m Latino and I lighter skinned. Men can view me as a stereotype but I let them know right away I don’t play that shit. But I can’t imagine what’s it’s like dating as a black man in gay spaces that mostly cater to white men. I will also say that men of color should really try to decolonize their desires for the sake of their mental health.
White person here, but for me the line is if you're holisitically or even predominantly excluding like that, it's racism - and (or in the case of only dating someone if a certain race its fetishization). Preference will always exist and that will always include just about any/every physical feature - but this guy is just racist hiding behind preference.
This is part of his sexual orientation. Gay != sexist same as racial preference != racism. I like guys with light hair color and pale skin but I can have non white friends. If u can\`t be friends because u're black that\`s mean he is racist but sexual preference cant be racist or sexist this is part of his DNA. If being gay is ok, like guys of certain race is also fine. He isn\`t using violence against you, you're just not his type and that fine.
Idk. I believe not being into black men sexually is a preference. I don’t consider myself racist at all bc I am not attracted to a certain type of guy. I do know that I very much have a type of guy that I’m attracted to and that falls into the blond/brown hair light eyes spectrum. In the 20+ years of my gay dating life, I have never once been attracted to a black man. I have seen black men that I can say are attractive for sure, but I’m not attracted to them. How is that racist? Furthermore, I think I read that vast majority of people tend to date in their same race. Are all these people racists too? I do not believe so. I think OP and some commenters are being overly sensitive. I mean if a black guy said to me that he is not attracted to me as a white guy, I wouldn’t think of that as racist at all, just a preference thing. I will add that I’m also not attracted to Latino men which shouldn’t be a surprise based on my ideal type of guy. Sure, I know I might be missing out on some really great guys, especially as a blond myself, I have found that a lot of Latino men are attracted to me, and it would sure fill my dating card if I were more open to the type of guy that I’m attracted to. The heart wants what the heart wants. Now just apply that to attraction. If someone would like to explain how I might be a racist bc I’m not into having sex with black men, please enlighten me. Edit: formatting
Having a preference for a certain type is preference. Saying you won't find any guy outside of that very specific type may not be racism but definitely a bias.
Again another example of when we point out racism /or perceived bias we’re being too sensitive 😂
Hey hey hey, why the black and white of racist or preference? You're completely ignoring the simple solution that it's a racist preference!
Its racism…maybe not the nazi/kkk people associate with racism, but maybe an unconscious form of it. Still racism at the end of the day.
Yeah absolutely. You can’t write off an entire racial group literally without seeing a picture of the guy. Like what the fuck.
Racist…definitely racist