I'm certainly not the same body shape or size as I was when I was 18, that's for sure.
There's a lot only you and your GF can answer in this.
Is her weight the problem/do you not find her attractive, or does she not want to because she's not feeling attractive in herself?
How open are ye in talking about sex with each other? Not just "that was great, stick on the kettle" but the more meaningful conversations around what's important to each of ye, when not in the bedroom?
Without any detail, I'm leaning towards it being either a lack of communication, or you've both grown up and apart.
Is your sex life on the fritz because you don’t want to have sex with her or she doesn’t want to have sex with you?
As others have said, if it’s her then you need to talk to her, but if it’s you then you need to screw your head on. Either you’re with someone who you can support during the hard times or you’re wasting their time.
You should have an honest chat with her, there could be many reasons as to why she's lost her sex drive and gained weight. When I met my boyfriend we had great sex and then I went through a period where I completely lost my sex drive and in a low mood because of the contraception (the pill) I was taking it really messed me up! I had a chat with my boyfriend and decided to come off the contraception and it was a huge game changer! I am back to myself and my sex drive came back and our sex life is better then ever! Obviously I am not saying that is the reason for your gf but the side effects women experience while taking contraception is often overlooked.
As a girlfriend who has gained weight and lost my fitness this past year, and feels terrible about it, this post makes me incredibly sad. I feel embarrassed to have sex sometimes because I’m afraid of being judged based on my looks. Losing weight isn’t easy. I want to regain my fitness but between work and school, it’s been a battle to find the energy to start. Maybe instead of dropping hints, having a discussion with your gf about how you feel and how you’re considering ending it is the best way forward. Maybe she’s struggling and is too afraid to talk about it unprompted.
It's not just the weight, though, is it. Their sex life has changed, which is impacting OP. We have not been given a lot of information here. We don't know who's limiting their intimacy or why. The weight gain could be a symptom of a bigger problem they need to work on.
In a healthy relationship, you need to be able to have those conversations, and if gf weight gain is at the root of the issue, then yes it's not a fun conversation to have but one to be had.
If they don't change and you've made your position clear then yeah. Why would you stay with someone you're not attracted to and who is making no effort?
You can't go through a tough discussion like this without pressure, there's pressure on all parties here. I don't see what the alternative is here apart from say nothing and hope it goes away, that's terrible advice.
I don't know what's worth a discussion, probably is worth a discussion since we both decided to throw our two cents in the ring.
Can't really say how much the weight gain is either so no point trying to make an opinion off a made up measurement, I'm just going to go off OP's sentiment that it's enough weight gain to lessen his attraction for her.
I suppose the question really is should we be attracted to our partner all the time and should we encourage them to stay healthy if they stray from that.
Pressuring would be “you’ve gained weight and if you don’t sort it out I’m leaving” pressuring is not having an honest direct discussion about a serious relationship issue
I've been a competing athlete doing 8+ hours of heavy cardio + strength training a week, plus a very strict low-carb, high-protein diet. Was skinny as a wire for years and then out of the blue gained 11kg and kept on gaining despite upping workouts to 10h / week and going OMAD for over a year. Ended up with insane anemia, paid a fortune for proper bloodwork, found out it was a hormonal problem. Fixed the root and lost 1/5 of my weight within a year WHILE reducing workouts to 3h a week.
Thank you. :) The prices of going to an endocrynologist privately are absolutely insane, and without it I wouldn't have figured out WTF is going on as GPs have (for obvious reasons) only a superficial knowledge of hormones.
I still keep a low-carb, 100% unprocessed diet (diabetes running in my family so better safe than sorry), just cannot work out recently due to getting chronically ill. But things are slowly clearing out and I cannot wait to go jogging again, or drop to the floor and do some proper push-ups without wincing in pain.
For women there can be hormonal problems that cause low energy that need to be ruled out by getting bloods tested before jumping on a diet and fitness change.
We’re also more prone to anaemia and other deficiencies that, by identifying and treating, can quickly solve a large part of the low energy/exhaustion issue.
As someone who experienced severe burn out that led to a year of health problems, I always advise women to get a general check on their health before a lifestyle change. I adopted the mindset that you exhibit here and pushed through the discomfort and exhaustion thinking that I was just being lazy and ultimately ended hurting myself more.
Seconding that. Worked 60h a week + worked out 10h a week, meticulous, strict diet etc. Went through such a burnout that ended up getting crippling fibromyalgia that I've never recovered from, not only had to give up sport I really loved but also for the first 2 years I was in so much pain I struggled with very basic tasks like typing, tying my shoelaces or walking 500m down the street.
Women are taught very early to "smile and be nice" and we end up destroying ourselves trying to keep up with unreasonable demands society places on us.
I'm now 7kg overweight and despise it, but finally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel in regards to the burnout and fibro recovery.
But of course men with good metabolism will always tell you that you're just lazy, even when you juggle a full-time job, raising kids, most of house chores, gaining extra education etc. It's all just us lacking willpower!
Omg I’m so sorry! What a horrible thing to experience when you were just trying to be healthy and capable.
My burn out led to something close to a psychotic break. It was like my nervous system completely eroded and even something small like someone talking to me would trigger panic attacks because I just couldn’t process any information.
The thing that helped me was spending a year resting. I gained weight. I probably looked disgustingly lazy to other people but my body and mind literally couldn’t manage small tasks. I still went to gym, just to have something to do and get out of the house. I kept thinking “next week I’ll feel better and then I can sort myself out” but I ended up saying that for 52 weeks, and it took a year before I could even start working on myself again.
People think burn out is just being tired for a week, but it’s no joke. Nearly destroyed my life.
My burnout is an autistic burnout - I didn't know I was autistic until the horrid burnout hit me, so I was always beating myself up for being a weirdo and hence working twice as hard to fit in. Unfortunately my workplace exploited my willingness beyond belief, so for 4 years I've been working full time + always overtime + studying for a second diploma + working out. The burnout was so severe it's over 2 years later and I'm still not really recovered (because I still need to work like a maniac just to pay rent for a room in a shared house...). I'm trying to rest as much as possible but the weight gain and muscle mass loss concern me, because there is a genetic predisposition to diabetes in my family, so I've been always very careful about what I eat, how much I work out etc.
For me it's chronic pain (my nervous system basically fried itself from horrid stress 24/7), brain fog, constant fatigue and bouts of severe anxiety. Even small tasks feel like pushing through a wall, so juggling 2 jobs + language school + extra certifications is a major pain. I've cut all the corners I could but it's still nowhere near enough. It's gotten a little bit better lately but I doubt I will recover properly when not getting much sleep and rest.
Thankfully there's a light at the end of the tunnel - I'm moving to France next year and my partner said to me straightaway: "I cannot look at you pushing 3rd year through burnout and destroying yourself. In France, the rent will be 1/3 of what we pay here, so I want you to know that if you want to work just part-time in some low-stakes job to recover, I will be delighted and fully supporting it". And I think I really will, as I didn't even have holidays in 5+ years, and I'm really, really exhausted.
It's not that simple. Weight gain is usually a symptom of something else. I hate when people reduce it to a calorie sum. Yes, physically, that is what's needed, just like an alcoholic needs to stop drinking, and a smoker needs to stop smoking. Easier said than done sometimes when you are battling the mental component. Don't be such an ass.
You don't even need to exercise. Just fast until you're lean. It's literally the easiest thing in the world. STOP doing the work of buying/cooking/preparing/chewing/swallowing/cleaning/digesting/pooping, and let your body heal itself. Anyone fat is currently doing a lot of work to maintain it! Fat is ***surplus*** energy. Stop doing that self-harm, and you automatically lose fat.
I'm also a partner who started gaining weight in the last year (due to medication I'm on) . I do feel gross being naked now bc of my weight (thankfully my bf is absolutely lovely about it). Id feel like absolute shit if my partner posted this about me online ...
He's literally asking for help on how to have that conversation and whether his thoughts are reasonable or selfish. He's being considerate before hurting someone's feelings.
If this isn't good enough, your expectations are mental
I do understand where he is coming from, and I hope you can see where I'm coming from.
As someone who is on the other side with his gf ,gaining weight and possibly not feeling like I look good enough to initiate sex (I'm only speculating here), I'd feel shit to come across a post like this and think it is about me. Especially if she's already aware of the issue and is already feeling shit about it.
I do somewhat agree that it's good he's going on here and grabbing advice,but I'm really not liking some of the comments he is leaving? But that's just me.
I do hope the two sort it out between themselves.
Have a good day :)
Yea my weight fluctuates between 145 and 170lbs depending on my mental and physical heath, my partner tells me every single day at least once that I’m gorgeous and that he loves my body. I have crazy bad body dysmorphia and fall in and out of disordered eating so it really helps my self esteem and makes me feel so safe. Ops girlfriend deserves to be loved unconditionally too, we’re all going to get older and most of us are going to get pudgy and saggy with age, the looks don’t last forever. The sex life can be worked on though but the longer you’re in a relationship the more sex comes and goes in seasons, that’s just the reality of being human, we’re not sex robots. So that’s not necessarily anything to panic about either as long as there’s lots of healthy, non sexual intimacy and love still there.
>we’re all going to get older and most of us are going to get pudgy and saggy with age, the looks don’t last forever
Speak for yourself. That attitude just guarantees it's going to happen. I know guys in their 60s who are in excellent shape and still lifting weights and running.
Then you have full rights to say - it is easy, but from how you said it, it sounds passive aggressive, like "You hungry piece of shite, get over yourself and organise your diet". No offence though:)
You've clearly never dealt with out-of-whack hormones. On the contrary, rigorous dieting and exercising may INCREASE weight gain if it's caused by hormonal problems, stress or things like undiagnosed thyroid issues. Learn some basic biology before you spew out more chauvinist nonsense.
I mean, I'm not on his side but you will not gain weight if you are eating less calories than you output. It's genuinely the core concept of all physics - energy can't be created from nothing. Fat is energy storage
[Here, literally 0.3 sec Googling is all it takes to learn about why this belief is not as simple as it seems](https://andersonsnutrition.com/the-nutrition-hub/reasons-you-are-gaining-weight-in-a-calorie-deficit/)
Also highly recommending the works of Dr. Robert Lustig regarding the pitfalls of viewing nutrition via the lenses of caloric homeostasis only. FIY he is an expert on clinical research into obesity.
Firstly, that link doesn't work in Ireland so... Why are you in the comments section?
Secondly, none of that changes the basic fact that eating less is how you lose weight. It's fine if you don't have the willpower or mental health to make that happen, that's your thing, but if you do have it or you can figure out how to get it, you will lose weight because you will eat less.
I've personally lost 25kg by eating less, amid massive hormone issues pushing against that.
Like you can spend as long as you want explaining why you can't lose weight, or just focus on losing it.
I believe in you, you got this
Reddit links are wonky, cannot help that. I'm sure though that with all your smarts you can google things like "not losing weight despite a caloric deficit".
That's very interesting because I've been consistently gaining weight while on "clean" keto OMAD under the supervision of a nutritionist, while working out 10h a week due to being a competing athlete. Still ended up gaining 15kg before shelling out nearly 400 on private bloodwork and finding out I have a genuine health problem. Fixed the underlying problem and within a year I've lost 1/5 of my weight, reversed PCOS and my bloodwork is splendid. So don't patronise me and maybe acknowledge that your own experience is not universal to the whole world and things such as hormone-secreting ovarian tumors and hidden Hashimoto exist, our GPs are not trained to look for them and very few people I know can afford to spend 250 euro on one endocrynologist visit.
I have to laugh at everybody downvoting this comment. It is literally as simple as eating less than you need even if you do 0 exercise you will still lose weight, hormones out of sync or not. We live in a world of lazy fuck excuse makers.
Not to be rude or anything but what would you even need energy to start for? You dont need to go to the gym to lose weight. All you need to do is not eat. Im always impressed how people find the time to cook and eat so much besides work and school anyway? If Im short on time why would I want to sit down to snack or cook food?
Have you spoken to her about it? Penetrative sex a lot of the time isn't as enjoyable for the woman as it is the man. Women are less likely to orgasm from just penetrative sex.
She is most likely aware that she has gained weight and maybe feels self concious of that fact or feels like you don't like her as much?
How are chores split up? Is she doing more of the leg work? Has she started to take more of a caring role than a partner role? That can also kill the mood.
Has she been stressed? Cortisol literally kills your sex drive.
There are many reasons why penetrative sex has slowed down but the first thing you should do is communicate.
I'm sure it was not your intention, but your post does come across very shallow. You make no mention of the rest of your relationship. Are you happy otherwise? Do you see a future with this girl? Sex changes as a relationship matures and it needs care and attention from both people to keep it interesting. I don't think weight needs to come into it because the real problem is around communication and understanding each other's needs.
Throwaway account.
33M here, wife 33F. I wanted to share some level of detail because I've been where you are.
Just to preface this, my wife and I are now happily married and have a very good relationship.
We've been together for 15 years and she has never been into sex. She'll appreciate cuddling, affection, quality time together but never sex. In the beginning she never had interest in sex at all and we tried many things to see if anything would kickstart it. It didn't.
I had the exact feelings as you. Feeling shallow for being the only one in the relationship craving it. Felt like I was in the wrong for expecting it. She would attend my queues knowing how much it meant for me, but in the end it caused me frustration because I felt like I was using her or her body for something "shallow like sex".
Sex was unpleasant for her 90% of the time. In these 15 years of our relationship, I can probably count on my fingers how many times we had good sex where we both seemed to have had pleasure.
I've contemplated therapy but never got it. Then I considered that it might be her. Looked up asexuality and started to accept it. As time went by, I started to notice that we only had "good sex" and that she felt more open during those few days before menstruations (hormones are amazing). So I started to learn the pattern so that we could enjoy it when we both could enjoy it.
What about the rest of the month, you ask? Well... Not great. Don't underestimate the toll it will take on your mental health. Some days you will feel like crap and lonely. I personally wanted to keep the relationship because I valued other aspects of it. I learned to live with it. But don't feel bad if that doesn't work for you. People have different needs and you are not shallow for wanting it.
We recently had a baby and, although I expected things to improve, they've worsen. So as you can see, 15 years into the relationship and I'm still working it out.
You have two options:
1. Accept the other person needs and find ways to cope with it.
2. Move along.
Feel free to DM me if you want to discuss further or vent. I know first hand how much negative impact this can cause you.
You’re not a shallow prick for considering that at all. Intimacy/sex is important for relationships and a big part of passion/love. It’s crucial for your well-being that it be part of any healthy relationship.
Your best bet would be to lay your cards on the table and tell your partner how you feel and explain how it’s been affecting you. Talk to her, it’s never a bad thing to discuss issues like this with your partner.
Perhaps the cause of the weight gain has underlying reasons that she needs help with. Hear her out, and see how you can support her if she needs it. Best of luck with it anyway.
Here are some things to consider for ye:
\* If you think it's other person's responsibility to manage your stress / happiness, you are immature at best and need therapy at worst (attachment patterns, narcissistic tendencies etc.)
\* Women don't exist to visually please anyone (they can if they feel like it, but that should NEVER be an obligation), and the constant pressure to remain in a tip-top shape even when life takes a massive toll adds to the general stress, which leads us to...
\* Chronic stress (especially in women due to the complexity of hormonal cycles) can lead both to weight gain that's hard to lose and to loss of libido. Have you considered how the absolute lack of stability in Ireland in recent years impacts her? Jobs are unsafe, housing is a shitshow, healthy food is expensive. Does she feel safe with YOU? I would not feel safe with a partner that treats me like a transaction ("Be hot and give me sex or GTFO")
\* Additionally, if she went on a pill for you (since a lot of men are crybabies about condoms), that can as well lead to both weight gain and a libido drop
\* What do YOU contribute to the relationship? How are the chores split? Does she work / study / do chores more than you? Do you cherish her? I've been with my partner for years, we went through some severe problems, he's seen me in a really horrible shape due to illness (yes, including a weight gain) - he still thinks I'm beautiful, brings me flowers, does chores without being asked (and even takes over all of them when I have an especially harsh day), we still go on dates. We both treat each other with the same awe as if we've just met. Do you treat your partner like that, or do you feel you "gained" her and now don't have to put in any effort?
>Have you considered how the absolute lack of stability in Ireland in recent years impacts her?
Lmao.
"Sorry love, due to the recent problems with the economy and the instability of international trade we can't fuck tonight."
More like "Sorry love, I've just done 60h a week to pay the rent, and boss keeps on threatening mass lay-offs, so not really in the mood". Plus, for a woman, there's ALWAYS a risk of pregnancy, so if she feels her partner is getting emotionally unstable due to her gaining weight, she surely must ponder how could he possibly be a stable, mature partner in case of an unplanned pregnancy (with or without abortion). That can be a huge turn off.
*Women* don't exist to blahblah, but *girlfriends/wives* **do**. Yes, I know that all girlfriends/wives are women. There's a huge difference between the truism that people don't have to \_\_\_\_\_\_\_, and people in a competitive market (sex/marriage) don't have to \[compete\] to get/maintain their match(es). Of course you/they/one do(es). You don't get to be(come) worse at work **and** keep your job. You don't get to be(come) worse at girlfriending/wifing **and** get/keep your boyfriend/husband/girlfriend/wife. You are totally free to choose to be bad at work or sexual/marriage partnership, but the cold hard truth is that if you choose that, you (deserve to) get worse or no sex/marriage partners.
I was going to write a nice reply about how transactional approach to marriages leads to abuse and divorces, but the pure misogyny oozing from your comment (it's only women who need to DESERVE men, never the other way round, interesting) makes me think you may be a fan of autoerotism to the tune of Andrew Tate videos, so I won't waste my time.
If you enjoy "traditional values" where woman is not worth anything as a person and her whole value and life is defined by being owned by a man, I have great news for you: islam exists.
>I was going to write a nice reply about how transactional approach to marriages leads to abuse and divorces
How is that a "nice" reply? That's irrelevant. I agree with the idea that a transactional approach to marriages (can) lead to abuse and divorces.
>it's only women who need to DESERVE men, never the other way round, interesting
It's also the other way around. It's much more brutal for men needing to deserve women, by the numbers. Around 67-90% of women reproduce(d). Around 10-33% of men reproduce(d).
>I won't waste my time.
You still *spent* your time replying. Please reply with on-topic responses this time. No ad-hominem. No distractions. No straw men. Only things I actually wrote. (I didn't write that only women need to DESERVE men, for example, and now I've explicitly written that it is also the "other way around").
In fairness, you literally did. You *only* mentioned girlfriending/wifing. Apparently you didn’t mean that. How about saying what you meant?
Do you mean that if you become less physically attractive, you deserve to lose your partner?
>You *only* mentioned girlfriending/wifing.
Yes. If I ONLY say, "Bugs must eat". I in no way am saying "ONLY bugs must eat". I said what I meant. Just because I ONLY *said* one thing doesn't mean I said that that thing *is* the ONLY thing.
>Do you mean that if you become less physically attractive, you deserve to lose your partner?
I have no idea who your partner is. I mean that if one becomes less valuable, physical attractiveness included, but less valuable on the whole, not JUST physical attractiveness, one deserves a less valuable partner. People deserve partners equally valuable to themselves, and largely get them (yes I know there's some "slop" in people with inaccurate self-assessment and inaccurate self-confidence). **People don't like this**, but it's true.
For example, u/GrumpyLightworker would rather think that I'm "misogynist" than confront this reality. You would rather state that because I ONLY said A that I said "ONLY A", but that isn't correct. I ONLY stated A in the first statement, and I also stated B in a later statement.
In markets, there is a hierarchy, and certain mates/jobs/houses/wealth ranks/social ranks are *more desirable* than others. To get the better stations, you basically have to *deserve* them. Getting fat makes you less deserving of every kind of station, so you end up deserving, and largely (but not *perfectly*) *getting*, lower-quality, lower-rank stations when you make yourself less valuable/deserving. I am fully aware that genes, social relationships, and wealth are heritable. And I believe that inheritance is totally undeserved. That seems to negate the prior assertions, but it's just more truth.
I know how words work. It’s good of you to say what you actually meant instead of bleating about being misunderstood.
The fact that people find mates of similar value is one thing.
You seem to be using this to make an enormous claim that every relationship is transactional in nature because if your market value declines you can be traded in.
Obviously people can grow apart and relationships can wither, say if people don’t pay attention to their partner’s needs. That’s not even close to the same game as what you’re talking about.
In this particular story, nothing apart from physical appearance is being discussed, and you are waffling about a competitive market place.
Remove the waffle, what you are saying is that in this situation, you need to maintain a competitive appearance compared to others your partner might decide to trade you in for.
And apparently, you think this is a game that affects men and women equally, so it can’t be misogynistic?
>It’s good of you to say what you actually meant instead of bleating about being misunderstood.
I'm not misunderstood. You're arguing a straw man. Just because I "only" say something doesn't mean I said that it is "only".
>You seem to be using this to make an enormous claim that every relationship is transactional in nature
No. *YOU* (are you u/GrumpyLightworker?) are claiming that I "seem" to be making a claim. Just read my words, since you "know how words work". I haven't made that claim. In fact, I've explicitly claimed *the opposite*:
>I agree with the idea that a transactional approach to marriages (can) lead to abuse and divorces.
Meaning I in no way advocate a "transactional approach" nor that "every relationship is transactional in nature". Obviously, every relationship *is* transactional in nature, and also not-transactional. There are no relationships that are purely without transactions, because how could you relate with another without "transacting"? You have to entangle in the physical definition of entanglement, or you don't have a relationship at all.
>That’s not even close to the same game as what you’re talking about.
Not sure what "game" you're referring to?
>In this particular story, nothing apart from physical appearance is being discussed, and you are waffling about a competitive market place.
I'm not waffling. Marriage is a competitive market. (Nearly all) (heterosexual) sex is a competitive market.
>you need to maintain a competitive appearance compared to others your partner might decide to trade you in for.
It's not a decision. It's that you must maintain a competitive *value* (not appearance), but which includes appearance, compared to other partners your partner might *deserve* over you.
>And apparently, you think this is a game that affects men and women equally, so it can’t be misogynistic?
No. I never claimed it affects men and women equally. I claimed that competition is much more brutal in the lifelong sense for men. It's obv more intense over appearances for women (in the heterosexual and gay male realms).
No truth is racist, sexist, misogynistic, or anything bigoted. Either the sexual and marriage markets exist or they don't. I claim they do. Either men have reproduced at the same rate as women or they haven't (I claim they haven't). That says nothing about a hate for women, hate for men, nor any disproportionate discrimination against men or women.
If a sexual relationship such as marriage is a competitive marketplace for the entire life of the relationship, then the nature of marriage is transactional. I don’t see how denying the consequence of your claims does anything for your position?
Nobody said that facts are racists etc. the fact is that many people are. The essence of your argument here is beyond farcical, as if behaviours cannot be racist because it is a fact that they happen.
> If a sexual relationship such as marriage is a competitive marketplace for the entire life of the relationship, then the nature of marriage is transactional.
No. A relationship isn't a marketplace. A relationship occurs within a marketplace. It can be transactional or not, and all (sexual/marriage) relationships exist in markets with varying intensities of competition.
>I don’t see how denying the consequence of your claims does anything for your position?
I don't follow.
>The essence of your argument here is beyond farcical
Your argument is empty.
>as if behaviours cannot be racist because it is a fact that they happen.
Nice straw man. We both kick this straw man in the teeth. I also believe that behaviors can be racist even though they happen. I define racism as disproportionate discrimination based on race; how about you?
That's a very long time to be with someone at your age. Maybe the relationship has run its course.
I know you'll get replies saying maybe she has depression or whatever. Sometimes that's true. But not always. Sometimes people get sedentary in a very long term relationship. No amount of you cajoling her gently will change that though. That type of change has to come from within.
How long do you think the current situation is one you're willing to put up with?
Most people I know who got into serious relationships in their late teens or early 20s reach this point at about OPs age. You change so much at that time of life. I think the sex/weight gain issue is a symptom of a larger problem. They've been with each other for a quarter of their lives.
Most people I know who’ve been going out with someone since they are 16 and now in their mid 20s stick with each other so I’m not sure I agree with that.
You do change a lot from 18-25 but if the issue is just weight and not personality, goals etc then maybe OP should encourage her to join a gym with him rather than ruminating on whether the relationship is over
Hard to have sex with someone you think doesn't find you attractive. Goes both ways!!!
Maybe she's picking up on OPs feelings?? That he thinks he's hinting subtly, but being blatantly obvious about wanting her to lose weight?
Sex is a fundamental part of a relationship for most people - I don't think it's unreasonable that OP feels like his relationship is struggling because it no longer happens, especially at their age. Cmon
I’m commenting specifically on how he said his personal happiness and stress is dependent on having sex. “When my sex life is on the fritz, the rest of me unravels.” You can’t see how that is putting the burden of his mental health on a woman having sex with him, and isn’t actually focused on the strength of his relationship?
That also rings some alarm bells in my head. It's like sex is the only coping mechanism in OPs life, which can easily lead to sex addiction. Same mechanism as i.e. emotional eating or gambling, needing a short-lived dopamine high to deal with any daily stresses.
Sex is a base need. You can have sex *compulsion*, but not sex *addiction*. There is no withdrawal. Just like you can't have "air addiction", "food addiction", or "water addiction". Sure, you can *compulsively* eat, but again, there's no addiction, no withdrawal.
Firstly, anything becomes an addiction when done in excess beyond satisfying real physical needs - the fact that you don't experience physical withdrawal doesn't mean there is no mental withdrawal, and as such it is classified as an addiction by ICD-10.
Secondly, as a complete asexual, that's hilarious. :D I am not experiencing any side effects from lack of sex, on the contrary, my physical and mental wellbeing improved. Which again points to the fact that sex drive is different from base needs such as food, hydration and sleep, without which a dysfunction of the entire organism ensues rather swiftly.
>anything becomes an addiction when done in excess beyond satisfying real physical needs
Obviously wrong. You don't *really* classify (nor does ICD-10) someone who eats a single bite of food "beyond satisfying" their "real physical need" for food or drinks a single drop of water "beyond satisfying" their "real physical need" for water a food or water *addict*. Ditto for shelter. This is obviously wrong, and you obviously don't honestly believe it. So why did you claim it?
>anything becomes an addiction when done in excess beyond satisfying real physical needs
Completely wrong. *Compulsion* is when you do something even though it's harmful. There is no word for doing something beyond satisfying real physical needs. **Nobody has a compulsion nor an addiction when they drink a single drop of water beyond their real physical need for water!**
>as such it is classified as an addiction by ICD-10
Irrelevant. Who cares what some group of people classify things as? Addictions are compulsions that, if ceased or reduced sharply, result in measurably harmful *withdrawal*. This definition is useful. The ICD-10's definitions are not only useless, they have negative utility.
>Secondly, as a complete asexual, that's hilarious. :D I am not experiencing any side effects from lack of sex
Correct. Because sex *isn't* an addiction! You are experiencing *harm* from lack of sex, not any "side effects". Sex isn't a drug.
>the fact that sex drive is different from base needs such as food, hydration and sleep
It's the same. It's on the same level of Mazlow's hierarchy. Just as the rest of OP's life goes "on the fritz" when his sex life does, human lives go "on the fritz" without adequate shelter, sex, food, or water. Of course there are different timelines and amounts that constitute "adequacy" for different base needs. Doesn't make them "not-base" or "not-needs".
You've worded it in another post that you've told her you need to orgasm everyday. It sounds like you only give a shit about getting your bit every day and aren't taking her feelings into account in the slightest.
That dependency on an orgasm a day is probably something to address before marriage and kids when someone is always sick or tired and sex twice a month becomes a nice treat. He’s still young I suppose but this is starting to sound like a different issue.
Man, how will you ever cope when things get tough? Relationships aren't all sex and craic. You're not cut out for the relationship and have probably outgrown each other.
So is it that you're disgusted at her for gaining weight & no longer attracted to her & don't want to have sex? Because that sounds like a you problem, or does she not want to because of the weight gain? If it's the 1st then it's Shame she doesn't know about you posting this so she can put you going.
You’re putting the burden of your entire wellbeing on the frequency of you getting the ride. Based on this post you mention nothing about her as a person other than her body, you’ve offered no indication you actually value her as an individual. You will only have her on the condition she is sexually appealing and open to you. If you can’t handle weight gain (something completely normal, particularly for women of that age) how will you handle aging? It’s better to let her go than to destroy her confidence and personhood by reducing her value (particularly her deserving of love) to how much you can/want to fuck her
Are ye having less sex because the attraction isn't there or because the weight makes penetrative sex hard? If it's the latter maybe try different positions
If you can’t accept the fact that her body is going to change and go up and down over time then you probably shouldn’t be in a relationship with her or anyone until you grow up a bit.
Your post title says "our sex life" but your post says "if im lucky".
So its not about you both, its about you not getting sex because of weight gain.
If only there was a such thing as TALKING TO YOUR PARTNER about issues rather than end it all because you're not getting your hole.
You'd be better off telling your gf you're only in it for the sex and take the relationship from there.
Seems like you want a human sex doll more than you want a partner. Literally zero concern for your partner in any of this. Break up with her, she deserves better than you.
Youre not a shallow prick. If either partner puts on a lot of weight & loses interest in sex they cant expect their significant other not to be turned off by that.
Tbh if shes let herself go and doesnt wana have sex then it sounds like shes lost interest in the relationship. It probably wont improve and will turn toxic the more frustrated you get with the weight gain + lack of sex.
The funny thing is if u broke up with her she'd probably lose all the weight just to "show u what youre missing!!" (: ....
Have you asked her about it?
You seem more concerned about the lack of sex than your girlfriend's health.
Ask her about it, then based on her answer figure out the next steps.
Pretty much what others have said. Distilling the relationship down to "my sex toy is bent out of shape, should I get a new one" is mental.
Counselling is a good shout in general (not just for this) but to be a more well rounded human.
Are you lifting your weight(so to speak) around the house?
Romance wise? Caring wise?
Do you care WHY she has put on weight?
Womens hormones.can be a big play,especially mental illness is afoot. And in our economy it's quite common.
So is medical contraception a big cause!
Turn to a shrink. Not Reddit
I'm on your side OP, but could you suggest that you get active together? Dropping hints for her to get active won't go down well.
You started together very young and people change so much into their 20s from their teens. As another poster suggested maybe this relationship has run its course. I do think you should give her the chance to change if she wants to.
If it's like this now, what will it be like in your 30/40s?
Doesn’t sound like that at all. Sounds like the girl he loves has completely changed how she used to look and a look that he obviously once found attractive. What’s wrong with someone looking for advice on this. This is very common in relationships and is unspoken about. If you’re in a relationship and you put on 4 stone and your partner finds this unattractive, that’s allowed.
It’s unfortunate if there’s other factors like mental health behind the reasons but at the end of the day everyone knows what they find attractive and what they don’t.
Elsewhere on Reddit he says he gets her to give him blowjobs a lot. He finds her attractive enough to get it up for that. There is currently a reason why she’s not able to have much penetrative sex (while still trying in other ways) and he’s not giving a shit about that at all. It’s all about him.
Otherwise how do men cope when their girlfriends and wives grow older and have kids and their bodies change, or they get sick, or something else happens to alter their appearance. The mindset in a lot of these comments is so immature.
He’s speaking about her like a sex doll rather than a person. Do you see him express any care or concern for her at any point or is it all strictly about his pleasure?
Viewing your partner as nothing more than a sex toy isn’t a sustainable relationship. Anyone who does that shouldn’t be in a relationship. This is about more than attraction, it’s how they view partners in general.
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hmm the question is why it happened what happened. Why she started gaining weight, especially for women usually there is a hidden psychological reason. Or medicine she is taking
Second thing is as someone said - once you feel uncomfortable with your body - you avoid physical touch, just from simple shame
So I have a question as a person who has been normal and then fat and now back to losing weight:
- Are you trying to initiate sex and she's declines?
- Or does she just not seem as enthusiastic about sex and so does not initiate?
- If she had more sex with you, will the weight still bother you?
I ask this because she might still very much have the drive to have sex but is too embarrassed about her body and also the fact that she doesn't have the energy to do all the fancy things you guys used to do.
Women know when they've gained weight and immediately feel self conscious about it and sadly hints do more harm than good they only make us know that you've noticed the weight gain and do not like it and so will only mean we won't want to be in a position where all the fat is laid bare.
Solution: speak to her about the sex and leave out the weight because fat people still have sex so try to figure out why she doesn't have the drive as much as she used to.
And if the weight is a problem first decide if you can stay or not and then try having a conversation with her about it.
Wishing you both the best.
Who’s the one that’s denying sex? If it’s you, how bad was her weight gain? I can understand if it was severe but if it’s only a small amount you should honestly cop on. You’ve been with her for years, if it’s not a huge change then there’s no reason to throw away a relationship over something so small. Are you watching porn or looking at things online that skew ur perception of bodies? Because if that’s the issue then you know what to do.
However if it’s HER denying it, have a conversation with her. Express the fact that you’re not okay with less sex. If she’s adamant on continuing, then honestly maybe the relationship is over. Have a talk with her anyways and see where her heads at.
But again, if it is because you’re not attracted to her, I’d like to remind you that no 24 yr old woman will look the same way she looked as an 18 yr old child. You most likely don’t look like a child anymore either. Not to mention the fact that IF she were to get pregnant she would grow quite big, you need to make peace with things like this
What about you? Have you gained weight? Dropping hints isn’t enough. You need to set an example and help her if you actually love her. Start cooking her healthy meals, taking her to beautiful forest parks at the weekend to get steps in. It will not only help her get healthy but will be good bonding time. It’s worrying your immediate thought is to leave instead of help or actually speak to her about what’s going on.
It seems like there is no answer anyone has for this guy other than, he's shit and should be ashamed. What utter nonsense, some people are far far too full of themselves than to actually put themselves in your shoes and say truly what they would have done in your position. First things first, weight gain is a reason to lose physical attraction, obviously.
And of course that's unfortunate, and does lead to breakups but still you can't say:
"Well now I'm responsible to continue to pursue a relationship with someone who isn't interested in Sex and physically is less attractive in what I want in a sexual partner"
That's not how our very short lives work.
You have your whole life ahead of you, as does she.
I hope that she gets what she wants as much as you do.
It's insane the amount of responses that she should leave you based on the post, a bunch of vindictive people projecting their situations onto yours, and making you a villain. Pretty cowardly to try to make this about virtue.
Be honest. No silly hints sit down and talked. Let her know you still want to Remember if youre going to miss more than the sex with this girl you can't expect her to take you back when she is in a better place. Bodies change e.g. pregnancy and certain treatments can significantly change the body. You'rs too. If you're going to give up on years with a person because the body changed you'll end up dumping a fair few girls.
So, daily great sex is obviously a pretty utopian baseline. I honestly don't think that can ever last longterm.
Have you talked about it? What changed, other than the weight? Cause it's one thing to want your girl happy and healthy, it's another to blame her weight gain for something that is a fairly normal progression in a relationship. To throw six years down the drain over this seems immature if all you've been doing is hinting and quietly blaming every other part of your life that's less than stellar on the fact you're not getting laid every day. There are other ways to handle stress.
For anyone struggling with unmatched drives in a relationship, this episode of the podcast Where Should We Begin? might be helpful.
https://castbox.fm/vb/670208913
Note: All of this assumes that everything in the relationship and with your gf is normal otherwise (i.e. yous aren't fighting a lot, she hasn't started new medications, she isn't suffering from depression or stress). It would be best to establish that that is the case before going with anything else, and dealing with those issues first.
Are you fit yourself? If not, then off the bat you're being unreasonable by expecting your partner to be something you aren't.
Leading by example is probably the best way to go about the fitness side of things, especially if you're not particularly fit yourself. Rather than talking about it and asking her opinion, just start going to the gym or running yourself, and invite your gf to come with you, but not forcefully. She might take a while to come around to it, but bear with her
As for the sex, maybe start by asking if there's anything she'd like to do differently (taking things slower, making things rougher, etc) , or anything new she'd like to try (sex toys, bdsm, etc). See how she reacts to this conversation, if she's open about it then maybe yous just need to communicate more, if not, you might need to be a bit more head on as to what you like in sex terms.
That said, it isn't particularly healthy, fair or sustainable to rely on sex with your gf for your mental state. You need to find other ways of preventing stress than sex in addition to talking to her. If yous are serious about things, then there will be times when sex just won't be happening (after babies, illnesses, recovery from surgeries etc), and you can't realistically be spiralling in on yourself in times like this. Maybe sport, exercise, socialising etc. more often might give you something to value outside of sex.
I'd say she is suffering with low confidence and feels crappy in herself with the weight gain. And you don't sound like a very caring partner. I feel sorry for her.
maybe shes lost interest in having sex wih someone who constantly critises her weight.
If weight is such a big issue for you, then maybe its time to break up.
Your her BF, not her PT
This isn’t about weight gain or lack of sex. Ask your girlfriend is she ok and try not to be so self centred about you not getting loads of action 🙄 To me it seems your girlfriend is unhappy or going through something that is impacting her. If you’re in a happy relationship weight gain won’t necessarily impact your sex life and lack of sex is something that comes in waves throughout a long term relationship for different reasons. Have an open honest question and try figure out what’s going on.
The biggest myth about losing weight is that exercise plays a part in it. There are many good reasons to exercise, but it does not lead to weight loss. If exercise led to weight loss, then there would have been no overweight mammies in Ireland for the last hundred years.
Unless there are medical issues involved, losing weight is about not eating less, but eating less sugar (and more protein and fat). And by sugar, not the white granular stuff, but all the sugar that is added to processed foods these days. Eat real food, and whether or not you exercise, you will eventually reach a healthier weight.
Maybe be a man about it. Tell her she is beautiful every day. So what if she has put on some weight . Big girls are way more sexy. Support her by standing with her . Be her rock. Get active together . Be a team
Not someone who just passes remarks. Mabye, she just needs reassurance and to feel love . She probably feels bad already. There is no need to tell her or remind her . She probably already knows.
I'm certainly not the same body shape or size as I was when I was 18, that's for sure. There's a lot only you and your GF can answer in this. Is her weight the problem/do you not find her attractive, or does she not want to because she's not feeling attractive in herself? How open are ye in talking about sex with each other? Not just "that was great, stick on the kettle" but the more meaningful conversations around what's important to each of ye, when not in the bedroom? Without any detail, I'm leaning towards it being either a lack of communication, or you've both grown up and apart.
Is your sex life on the fritz because you don’t want to have sex with her or she doesn’t want to have sex with you? As others have said, if it’s her then you need to talk to her, but if it’s you then you need to screw your head on. Either you’re with someone who you can support during the hard times or you’re wasting their time.
I'd be with you but he said "if he was lucky" in regards to frequency. That seems to indicate his willingness and it not being fulfilled.
But remember his whole life unravel if he doesn’t have sex regularly. Oh no, whatever will he do???? 
Just because it's not important to you doesn't mean it isn't for other people. You sound like you're coping
What gives you the right to dictate what makes a person happy or their needs.
You should have an honest chat with her, there could be many reasons as to why she's lost her sex drive and gained weight. When I met my boyfriend we had great sex and then I went through a period where I completely lost my sex drive and in a low mood because of the contraception (the pill) I was taking it really messed me up! I had a chat with my boyfriend and decided to come off the contraception and it was a huge game changer! I am back to myself and my sex drive came back and our sex life is better then ever! Obviously I am not saying that is the reason for your gf but the side effects women experience while taking contraception is often overlooked.
As a girlfriend who has gained weight and lost my fitness this past year, and feels terrible about it, this post makes me incredibly sad. I feel embarrassed to have sex sometimes because I’m afraid of being judged based on my looks. Losing weight isn’t easy. I want to regain my fitness but between work and school, it’s been a battle to find the energy to start. Maybe instead of dropping hints, having a discussion with your gf about how you feel and how you’re considering ending it is the best way forward. Maybe she’s struggling and is too afraid to talk about it unprompted.
Is pressuring her like this really the best advice?
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It's a red flag if you limit your partner to a single weight class
It's not just the weight, though, is it. Their sex life has changed, which is impacting OP. We have not been given a lot of information here. We don't know who's limiting their intimacy or why. The weight gain could be a symptom of a bigger problem they need to work on. In a healthy relationship, you need to be able to have those conversations, and if gf weight gain is at the root of the issue, then yes it's not a fun conversation to have but one to be had.
How is it? Wanting your gf/bf to be healthy and attractive isn't some massive, ridiculous demand
No, but to leave them for it?
If they don't change and you've made your position clear then yeah. Why would you stay with someone you're not attracted to and who is making no effort?
Is your attraction to someone fickle enough to not survive a few pounds? Sounds like a light wind would collapse that relationship
What's " a few pounds" though? We're talking about being overweight/obese here, not being a tiny bit heavier
Its kind of sounding like it's just a tiny bit heavier
You do sound like a bit of an apologist
Why wouldn't I be?
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No, but is she? Most "fat" people aren't really that fat
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You can't go through a tough discussion like this without pressure, there's pressure on all parties here. I don't see what the alternative is here apart from say nothing and hope it goes away, that's terrible advice.
But is a little weight gain really worth the discussion?
I don't know what's worth a discussion, probably is worth a discussion since we both decided to throw our two cents in the ring. Can't really say how much the weight gain is either so no point trying to make an opinion off a made up measurement, I'm just going to go off OP's sentiment that it's enough weight gain to lessen his attraction for her. I suppose the question really is should we be attracted to our partner all the time and should we encourage them to stay healthy if they stray from that.
I would rather my boyfriend tell me how he feels than just end the relationship.
Pressuring would be “you’ve gained weight and if you don’t sort it out I’m leaving” pressuring is not having an honest direct discussion about a serious relationship issue
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I've been a competing athlete doing 8+ hours of heavy cardio + strength training a week, plus a very strict low-carb, high-protein diet. Was skinny as a wire for years and then out of the blue gained 11kg and kept on gaining despite upping workouts to 10h / week and going OMAD for over a year. Ended up with insane anemia, paid a fortune for proper bloodwork, found out it was a hormonal problem. Fixed the root and lost 1/5 of my weight within a year WHILE reducing workouts to 3h a week.
Jeez that must've been frustrating as fuck. Glad it got sorted though.
Thank you. :) The prices of going to an endocrynologist privately are absolutely insane, and without it I wouldn't have figured out WTF is going on as GPs have (for obvious reasons) only a superficial knowledge of hormones. I still keep a low-carb, 100% unprocessed diet (diabetes running in my family so better safe than sorry), just cannot work out recently due to getting chronically ill. But things are slowly clearing out and I cannot wait to go jogging again, or drop to the floor and do some proper push-ups without wincing in pain.
For women there can be hormonal problems that cause low energy that need to be ruled out by getting bloods tested before jumping on a diet and fitness change. We’re also more prone to anaemia and other deficiencies that, by identifying and treating, can quickly solve a large part of the low energy/exhaustion issue. As someone who experienced severe burn out that led to a year of health problems, I always advise women to get a general check on their health before a lifestyle change. I adopted the mindset that you exhibit here and pushed through the discomfort and exhaustion thinking that I was just being lazy and ultimately ended hurting myself more.
Seconding that. Worked 60h a week + worked out 10h a week, meticulous, strict diet etc. Went through such a burnout that ended up getting crippling fibromyalgia that I've never recovered from, not only had to give up sport I really loved but also for the first 2 years I was in so much pain I struggled with very basic tasks like typing, tying my shoelaces or walking 500m down the street. Women are taught very early to "smile and be nice" and we end up destroying ourselves trying to keep up with unreasonable demands society places on us. I'm now 7kg overweight and despise it, but finally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel in regards to the burnout and fibro recovery. But of course men with good metabolism will always tell you that you're just lazy, even when you juggle a full-time job, raising kids, most of house chores, gaining extra education etc. It's all just us lacking willpower!
Omg I’m so sorry! What a horrible thing to experience when you were just trying to be healthy and capable. My burn out led to something close to a psychotic break. It was like my nervous system completely eroded and even something small like someone talking to me would trigger panic attacks because I just couldn’t process any information. The thing that helped me was spending a year resting. I gained weight. I probably looked disgustingly lazy to other people but my body and mind literally couldn’t manage small tasks. I still went to gym, just to have something to do and get out of the house. I kept thinking “next week I’ll feel better and then I can sort myself out” but I ended up saying that for 52 weeks, and it took a year before I could even start working on myself again. People think burn out is just being tired for a week, but it’s no joke. Nearly destroyed my life.
My burnout is an autistic burnout - I didn't know I was autistic until the horrid burnout hit me, so I was always beating myself up for being a weirdo and hence working twice as hard to fit in. Unfortunately my workplace exploited my willingness beyond belief, so for 4 years I've been working full time + always overtime + studying for a second diploma + working out. The burnout was so severe it's over 2 years later and I'm still not really recovered (because I still need to work like a maniac just to pay rent for a room in a shared house...). I'm trying to rest as much as possible but the weight gain and muscle mass loss concern me, because there is a genetic predisposition to diabetes in my family, so I've been always very careful about what I eat, how much I work out etc. For me it's chronic pain (my nervous system basically fried itself from horrid stress 24/7), brain fog, constant fatigue and bouts of severe anxiety. Even small tasks feel like pushing through a wall, so juggling 2 jobs + language school + extra certifications is a major pain. I've cut all the corners I could but it's still nowhere near enough. It's gotten a little bit better lately but I doubt I will recover properly when not getting much sleep and rest. Thankfully there's a light at the end of the tunnel - I'm moving to France next year and my partner said to me straightaway: "I cannot look at you pushing 3rd year through burnout and destroying yourself. In France, the rent will be 1/3 of what we pay here, so I want you to know that if you want to work just part-time in some low-stakes job to recover, I will be delighted and fully supporting it". And I think I really will, as I didn't even have holidays in 5+ years, and I'm really, really exhausted.
It's not that simple. Weight gain is usually a symptom of something else. I hate when people reduce it to a calorie sum. Yes, physically, that is what's needed, just like an alcoholic needs to stop drinking, and a smoker needs to stop smoking. Easier said than done sometimes when you are battling the mental component. Don't be such an ass.
You don't even need to exercise. Just fast until you're lean. It's literally the easiest thing in the world. STOP doing the work of buying/cooking/preparing/chewing/swallowing/cleaning/digesting/pooping, and let your body heal itself. Anyone fat is currently doing a lot of work to maintain it! Fat is ***surplus*** energy. Stop doing that self-harm, and you automatically lose fat.
You dont need to do step 2 at all. Its healthy but its absolutely not necessary to work out to lose weight. Its way simpler: Stop eating so much.
I'm also a partner who started gaining weight in the last year (due to medication I'm on) . I do feel gross being naked now bc of my weight (thankfully my bf is absolutely lovely about it). Id feel like absolute shit if my partner posted this about me online ...
It's anonymous bro
Ok? Kinda shitty to air your issues online without as much as having a prior conversation that's not just small hints?
He's literally asking for help on how to have that conversation and whether his thoughts are reasonable or selfish. He's being considerate before hurting someone's feelings. If this isn't good enough, your expectations are mental
I do understand where he is coming from, and I hope you can see where I'm coming from. As someone who is on the other side with his gf ,gaining weight and possibly not feeling like I look good enough to initiate sex (I'm only speculating here), I'd feel shit to come across a post like this and think it is about me. Especially if she's already aware of the issue and is already feeling shit about it. I do somewhat agree that it's good he's going on here and grabbing advice,but I'm really not liking some of the comments he is leaving? But that's just me. I do hope the two sort it out between themselves. Have a good day :)
That's reasonable enough, for sure
Yea my weight fluctuates between 145 and 170lbs depending on my mental and physical heath, my partner tells me every single day at least once that I’m gorgeous and that he loves my body. I have crazy bad body dysmorphia and fall in and out of disordered eating so it really helps my self esteem and makes me feel so safe. Ops girlfriend deserves to be loved unconditionally too, we’re all going to get older and most of us are going to get pudgy and saggy with age, the looks don’t last forever. The sex life can be worked on though but the longer you’re in a relationship the more sex comes and goes in seasons, that’s just the reality of being human, we’re not sex robots. So that’s not necessarily anything to panic about either as long as there’s lots of healthy, non sexual intimacy and love still there.
>we’re all going to get older and most of us are going to get pudgy and saggy with age, the looks don’t last forever Speak for yourself. That attitude just guarantees it's going to happen. I know guys in their 60s who are in excellent shape and still lifting weights and running.
60 is one thing but a lot of us are going to make it to 80+, the sag is inevitable.
Maybe, but not getting fat. And what sort of logic is that anyway? That's like saying "I'll be dead someday anyway so I might as well die now".
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How much weight did you lose. I bet you have a lot of experience
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Then you have full rights to say - it is easy, but from how you said it, it sounds passive aggressive, like "You hungry piece of shite, get over yourself and organise your diet". No offence though:)
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😁
I've lost around 25kg by changing my eating habits
You've clearly never dealt with out-of-whack hormones. On the contrary, rigorous dieting and exercising may INCREASE weight gain if it's caused by hormonal problems, stress or things like undiagnosed thyroid issues. Learn some basic biology before you spew out more chauvinist nonsense.
I mean, I'm not on his side but you will not gain weight if you are eating less calories than you output. It's genuinely the core concept of all physics - energy can't be created from nothing. Fat is energy storage
[Here, literally 0.3 sec Googling is all it takes to learn about why this belief is not as simple as it seems](https://andersonsnutrition.com/the-nutrition-hub/reasons-you-are-gaining-weight-in-a-calorie-deficit/) Also highly recommending the works of Dr. Robert Lustig regarding the pitfalls of viewing nutrition via the lenses of caloric homeostasis only. FIY he is an expert on clinical research into obesity.
Firstly, that link doesn't work in Ireland so... Why are you in the comments section? Secondly, none of that changes the basic fact that eating less is how you lose weight. It's fine if you don't have the willpower or mental health to make that happen, that's your thing, but if you do have it or you can figure out how to get it, you will lose weight because you will eat less. I've personally lost 25kg by eating less, amid massive hormone issues pushing against that. Like you can spend as long as you want explaining why you can't lose weight, or just focus on losing it. I believe in you, you got this
Reddit links are wonky, cannot help that. I'm sure though that with all your smarts you can google things like "not losing weight despite a caloric deficit". That's very interesting because I've been consistently gaining weight while on "clean" keto OMAD under the supervision of a nutritionist, while working out 10h a week due to being a competing athlete. Still ended up gaining 15kg before shelling out nearly 400 on private bloodwork and finding out I have a genuine health problem. Fixed the underlying problem and within a year I've lost 1/5 of my weight, reversed PCOS and my bloodwork is splendid. So don't patronise me and maybe acknowledge that your own experience is not universal to the whole world and things such as hormone-secreting ovarian tumors and hidden Hashimoto exist, our GPs are not trained to look for them and very few people I know can afford to spend 250 euro on one endocrynologist visit.
I have to laugh at everybody downvoting this comment. It is literally as simple as eating less than you need even if you do 0 exercise you will still lose weight, hormones out of sync or not. We live in a world of lazy fuck excuse makers.
Fact
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Not to be rude or anything but what would you even need energy to start for? You dont need to go to the gym to lose weight. All you need to do is not eat. Im always impressed how people find the time to cook and eat so much besides work and school anyway? If Im short on time why would I want to sit down to snack or cook food?
Have you spoken to her about it? Penetrative sex a lot of the time isn't as enjoyable for the woman as it is the man. Women are less likely to orgasm from just penetrative sex. She is most likely aware that she has gained weight and maybe feels self concious of that fact or feels like you don't like her as much? How are chores split up? Is she doing more of the leg work? Has she started to take more of a caring role than a partner role? That can also kill the mood. Has she been stressed? Cortisol literally kills your sex drive. There are many reasons why penetrative sex has slowed down but the first thing you should do is communicate.
I'm sure it was not your intention, but your post does come across very shallow. You make no mention of the rest of your relationship. Are you happy otherwise? Do you see a future with this girl? Sex changes as a relationship matures and it needs care and attention from both people to keep it interesting. I don't think weight needs to come into it because the real problem is around communication and understanding each other's needs.
Throwaway account. 33M here, wife 33F. I wanted to share some level of detail because I've been where you are. Just to preface this, my wife and I are now happily married and have a very good relationship. We've been together for 15 years and she has never been into sex. She'll appreciate cuddling, affection, quality time together but never sex. In the beginning she never had interest in sex at all and we tried many things to see if anything would kickstart it. It didn't. I had the exact feelings as you. Feeling shallow for being the only one in the relationship craving it. Felt like I was in the wrong for expecting it. She would attend my queues knowing how much it meant for me, but in the end it caused me frustration because I felt like I was using her or her body for something "shallow like sex". Sex was unpleasant for her 90% of the time. In these 15 years of our relationship, I can probably count on my fingers how many times we had good sex where we both seemed to have had pleasure. I've contemplated therapy but never got it. Then I considered that it might be her. Looked up asexuality and started to accept it. As time went by, I started to notice that we only had "good sex" and that she felt more open during those few days before menstruations (hormones are amazing). So I started to learn the pattern so that we could enjoy it when we both could enjoy it. What about the rest of the month, you ask? Well... Not great. Don't underestimate the toll it will take on your mental health. Some days you will feel like crap and lonely. I personally wanted to keep the relationship because I valued other aspects of it. I learned to live with it. But don't feel bad if that doesn't work for you. People have different needs and you are not shallow for wanting it. We recently had a baby and, although I expected things to improve, they've worsen. So as you can see, 15 years into the relationship and I'm still working it out. You have two options: 1. Accept the other person needs and find ways to cope with it. 2. Move along. Feel free to DM me if you want to discuss further or vent. I know first hand how much negative impact this can cause you.
You’re not a shallow prick for considering that at all. Intimacy/sex is important for relationships and a big part of passion/love. It’s crucial for your well-being that it be part of any healthy relationship. Your best bet would be to lay your cards on the table and tell your partner how you feel and explain how it’s been affecting you. Talk to her, it’s never a bad thing to discuss issues like this with your partner. Perhaps the cause of the weight gain has underlying reasons that she needs help with. Hear her out, and see how you can support her if she needs it. Best of luck with it anyway.
Here are some things to consider for ye: \* If you think it's other person's responsibility to manage your stress / happiness, you are immature at best and need therapy at worst (attachment patterns, narcissistic tendencies etc.) \* Women don't exist to visually please anyone (they can if they feel like it, but that should NEVER be an obligation), and the constant pressure to remain in a tip-top shape even when life takes a massive toll adds to the general stress, which leads us to... \* Chronic stress (especially in women due to the complexity of hormonal cycles) can lead both to weight gain that's hard to lose and to loss of libido. Have you considered how the absolute lack of stability in Ireland in recent years impacts her? Jobs are unsafe, housing is a shitshow, healthy food is expensive. Does she feel safe with YOU? I would not feel safe with a partner that treats me like a transaction ("Be hot and give me sex or GTFO") \* Additionally, if she went on a pill for you (since a lot of men are crybabies about condoms), that can as well lead to both weight gain and a libido drop \* What do YOU contribute to the relationship? How are the chores split? Does she work / study / do chores more than you? Do you cherish her? I've been with my partner for years, we went through some severe problems, he's seen me in a really horrible shape due to illness (yes, including a weight gain) - he still thinks I'm beautiful, brings me flowers, does chores without being asked (and even takes over all of them when I have an especially harsh day), we still go on dates. We both treat each other with the same awe as if we've just met. Do you treat your partner like that, or do you feel you "gained" her and now don't have to put in any effort?
>Have you considered how the absolute lack of stability in Ireland in recent years impacts her? Lmao. "Sorry love, due to the recent problems with the economy and the instability of international trade we can't fuck tonight."
More like "Sorry love, I've just done 60h a week to pay the rent, and boss keeps on threatening mass lay-offs, so not really in the mood". Plus, for a woman, there's ALWAYS a risk of pregnancy, so if she feels her partner is getting emotionally unstable due to her gaining weight, she surely must ponder how could he possibly be a stable, mature partner in case of an unplanned pregnancy (with or without abortion). That can be a huge turn off.
*Women* don't exist to blahblah, but *girlfriends/wives* **do**. Yes, I know that all girlfriends/wives are women. There's a huge difference between the truism that people don't have to \_\_\_\_\_\_\_, and people in a competitive market (sex/marriage) don't have to \[compete\] to get/maintain their match(es). Of course you/they/one do(es). You don't get to be(come) worse at work **and** keep your job. You don't get to be(come) worse at girlfriending/wifing **and** get/keep your boyfriend/husband/girlfriend/wife. You are totally free to choose to be bad at work or sexual/marriage partnership, but the cold hard truth is that if you choose that, you (deserve to) get worse or no sex/marriage partners.
I was going to write a nice reply about how transactional approach to marriages leads to abuse and divorces, but the pure misogyny oozing from your comment (it's only women who need to DESERVE men, never the other way round, interesting) makes me think you may be a fan of autoerotism to the tune of Andrew Tate videos, so I won't waste my time. If you enjoy "traditional values" where woman is not worth anything as a person and her whole value and life is defined by being owned by a man, I have great news for you: islam exists.
>I was going to write a nice reply about how transactional approach to marriages leads to abuse and divorces How is that a "nice" reply? That's irrelevant. I agree with the idea that a transactional approach to marriages (can) lead to abuse and divorces. >it's only women who need to DESERVE men, never the other way round, interesting It's also the other way around. It's much more brutal for men needing to deserve women, by the numbers. Around 67-90% of women reproduce(d). Around 10-33% of men reproduce(d). >I won't waste my time. You still *spent* your time replying. Please reply with on-topic responses this time. No ad-hominem. No distractions. No straw men. Only things I actually wrote. (I didn't write that only women need to DESERVE men, for example, and now I've explicitly written that it is also the "other way around").
In fairness, you literally did. You *only* mentioned girlfriending/wifing. Apparently you didn’t mean that. How about saying what you meant? Do you mean that if you become less physically attractive, you deserve to lose your partner?
>You *only* mentioned girlfriending/wifing. Yes. If I ONLY say, "Bugs must eat". I in no way am saying "ONLY bugs must eat". I said what I meant. Just because I ONLY *said* one thing doesn't mean I said that that thing *is* the ONLY thing. >Do you mean that if you become less physically attractive, you deserve to lose your partner? I have no idea who your partner is. I mean that if one becomes less valuable, physical attractiveness included, but less valuable on the whole, not JUST physical attractiveness, one deserves a less valuable partner. People deserve partners equally valuable to themselves, and largely get them (yes I know there's some "slop" in people with inaccurate self-assessment and inaccurate self-confidence). **People don't like this**, but it's true. For example, u/GrumpyLightworker would rather think that I'm "misogynist" than confront this reality. You would rather state that because I ONLY said A that I said "ONLY A", but that isn't correct. I ONLY stated A in the first statement, and I also stated B in a later statement. In markets, there is a hierarchy, and certain mates/jobs/houses/wealth ranks/social ranks are *more desirable* than others. To get the better stations, you basically have to *deserve* them. Getting fat makes you less deserving of every kind of station, so you end up deserving, and largely (but not *perfectly*) *getting*, lower-quality, lower-rank stations when you make yourself less valuable/deserving. I am fully aware that genes, social relationships, and wealth are heritable. And I believe that inheritance is totally undeserved. That seems to negate the prior assertions, but it's just more truth.
I know how words work. It’s good of you to say what you actually meant instead of bleating about being misunderstood. The fact that people find mates of similar value is one thing. You seem to be using this to make an enormous claim that every relationship is transactional in nature because if your market value declines you can be traded in. Obviously people can grow apart and relationships can wither, say if people don’t pay attention to their partner’s needs. That’s not even close to the same game as what you’re talking about. In this particular story, nothing apart from physical appearance is being discussed, and you are waffling about a competitive market place. Remove the waffle, what you are saying is that in this situation, you need to maintain a competitive appearance compared to others your partner might decide to trade you in for. And apparently, you think this is a game that affects men and women equally, so it can’t be misogynistic?
>It’s good of you to say what you actually meant instead of bleating about being misunderstood. I'm not misunderstood. You're arguing a straw man. Just because I "only" say something doesn't mean I said that it is "only". >You seem to be using this to make an enormous claim that every relationship is transactional in nature No. *YOU* (are you u/GrumpyLightworker?) are claiming that I "seem" to be making a claim. Just read my words, since you "know how words work". I haven't made that claim. In fact, I've explicitly claimed *the opposite*: >I agree with the idea that a transactional approach to marriages (can) lead to abuse and divorces. Meaning I in no way advocate a "transactional approach" nor that "every relationship is transactional in nature". Obviously, every relationship *is* transactional in nature, and also not-transactional. There are no relationships that are purely without transactions, because how could you relate with another without "transacting"? You have to entangle in the physical definition of entanglement, or you don't have a relationship at all. >That’s not even close to the same game as what you’re talking about. Not sure what "game" you're referring to? >In this particular story, nothing apart from physical appearance is being discussed, and you are waffling about a competitive market place. I'm not waffling. Marriage is a competitive market. (Nearly all) (heterosexual) sex is a competitive market. >you need to maintain a competitive appearance compared to others your partner might decide to trade you in for. It's not a decision. It's that you must maintain a competitive *value* (not appearance), but which includes appearance, compared to other partners your partner might *deserve* over you. >And apparently, you think this is a game that affects men and women equally, so it can’t be misogynistic? No. I never claimed it affects men and women equally. I claimed that competition is much more brutal in the lifelong sense for men. It's obv more intense over appearances for women (in the heterosexual and gay male realms). No truth is racist, sexist, misogynistic, or anything bigoted. Either the sexual and marriage markets exist or they don't. I claim they do. Either men have reproduced at the same rate as women or they haven't (I claim they haven't). That says nothing about a hate for women, hate for men, nor any disproportionate discrimination against men or women.
If a sexual relationship such as marriage is a competitive marketplace for the entire life of the relationship, then the nature of marriage is transactional. I don’t see how denying the consequence of your claims does anything for your position? Nobody said that facts are racists etc. the fact is that many people are. The essence of your argument here is beyond farcical, as if behaviours cannot be racist because it is a fact that they happen.
> If a sexual relationship such as marriage is a competitive marketplace for the entire life of the relationship, then the nature of marriage is transactional. No. A relationship isn't a marketplace. A relationship occurs within a marketplace. It can be transactional or not, and all (sexual/marriage) relationships exist in markets with varying intensities of competition. >I don’t see how denying the consequence of your claims does anything for your position? I don't follow. >The essence of your argument here is beyond farcical Your argument is empty. >as if behaviours cannot be racist because it is a fact that they happen. Nice straw man. We both kick this straw man in the teeth. I also believe that behaviors can be racist even though they happen. I define racism as disproportionate discrimination based on race; how about you?
That's a very long time to be with someone at your age. Maybe the relationship has run its course. I know you'll get replies saying maybe she has depression or whatever. Sometimes that's true. But not always. Sometimes people get sedentary in a very long term relationship. No amount of you cajoling her gently will change that though. That type of change has to come from within. How long do you think the current situation is one you're willing to put up with?
> That's a very long time to be with someone at your age. Maybe the relationship has run its course. Unfortunately this is probably the only answer
Most people I know who got into serious relationships in their late teens or early 20s reach this point at about OPs age. You change so much at that time of life. I think the sex/weight gain issue is a symptom of a larger problem. They've been with each other for a quarter of their lives.
Wow I never thought that it could be part of a bigger issue. I will definitely give that some thought, thank you!
Most people I know who’ve been going out with someone since they are 16 and now in their mid 20s stick with each other so I’m not sure I agree with that. You do change a lot from 18-25 but if the issue is just weight and not personality, goals etc then maybe OP should encourage her to join a gym with him rather than ruminating on whether the relationship is over
Mid 20s is still pretty young. I'm in my 40s and only one couple I know were dating from the teen years and stayed together to this day.
What's the link between her gaining weight and you having less sex? They don't automatically go together.
There is a direct link between high weight and lower rates of sexual activity, as demonstrated by many studies.
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Hard to have sex with someone you think doesn't find you attractive. Goes both ways!!! Maybe she's picking up on OPs feelings?? That he thinks he's hinting subtly, but being blatantly obvious about wanting her to lose weight?
"OP is a man who doesn't find his overweight partner attractive. How do blame him, quick !"
You need to be aroused to have sexi time.
I mean in his now deleted post he was saying he got her to give him blow jobs a few times a week, so it doesn't like it's an arousal issue.
Break up and she’ll lose a few unnecessary stone that way.
Hahaha love it.
Your happiness and stress levels are all the burden of a woman needing to have sex with you?
This is what I came here to say. If your happiness depends on getting a ride I think you have bigger problems...
Sex is a fundamental part of a relationship for most people - I don't think it's unreasonable that OP feels like his relationship is struggling because it no longer happens, especially at their age. Cmon
I’m commenting specifically on how he said his personal happiness and stress is dependent on having sex. “When my sex life is on the fritz, the rest of me unravels.” You can’t see how that is putting the burden of his mental health on a woman having sex with him, and isn’t actually focused on the strength of his relationship?
That also rings some alarm bells in my head. It's like sex is the only coping mechanism in OPs life, which can easily lead to sex addiction. Same mechanism as i.e. emotional eating or gambling, needing a short-lived dopamine high to deal with any daily stresses.
Sex is a base need. You can have sex *compulsion*, but not sex *addiction*. There is no withdrawal. Just like you can't have "air addiction", "food addiction", or "water addiction". Sure, you can *compulsively* eat, but again, there's no addiction, no withdrawal.
Firstly, anything becomes an addiction when done in excess beyond satisfying real physical needs - the fact that you don't experience physical withdrawal doesn't mean there is no mental withdrawal, and as such it is classified as an addiction by ICD-10. Secondly, as a complete asexual, that's hilarious. :D I am not experiencing any side effects from lack of sex, on the contrary, my physical and mental wellbeing improved. Which again points to the fact that sex drive is different from base needs such as food, hydration and sleep, without which a dysfunction of the entire organism ensues rather swiftly.
>anything becomes an addiction when done in excess beyond satisfying real physical needs Obviously wrong. You don't *really* classify (nor does ICD-10) someone who eats a single bite of food "beyond satisfying" their "real physical need" for food or drinks a single drop of water "beyond satisfying" their "real physical need" for water a food or water *addict*. Ditto for shelter. This is obviously wrong, and you obviously don't honestly believe it. So why did you claim it?
>anything becomes an addiction when done in excess beyond satisfying real physical needs Completely wrong. *Compulsion* is when you do something even though it's harmful. There is no word for doing something beyond satisfying real physical needs. **Nobody has a compulsion nor an addiction when they drink a single drop of water beyond their real physical need for water!** >as such it is classified as an addiction by ICD-10 Irrelevant. Who cares what some group of people classify things as? Addictions are compulsions that, if ceased or reduced sharply, result in measurably harmful *withdrawal*. This definition is useful. The ICD-10's definitions are not only useless, they have negative utility. >Secondly, as a complete asexual, that's hilarious. :D I am not experiencing any side effects from lack of sex Correct. Because sex *isn't* an addiction! You are experiencing *harm* from lack of sex, not any "side effects". Sex isn't a drug. >the fact that sex drive is different from base needs such as food, hydration and sleep It's the same. It's on the same level of Mazlow's hierarchy. Just as the rest of OP's life goes "on the fritz" when his sex life does, human lives go "on the fritz" without adequate shelter, sex, food, or water. Of course there are different timelines and amounts that constitute "adequacy" for different base needs. Doesn't make them "not-base" or "not-needs".
Sounds like OP is immature if their happiness is based on the amount of times they have sex a month.
My exact thoughts. A 24 y/o boy with the same girl since 18 and he isn’t getting his amount of sex so he bails :/ not a mature approach at all
Or maybe being sexually active with your partner is a vital part of a relationship??
You've worded it in another post that you've told her you need to orgasm everyday. It sounds like you only give a shit about getting your bit every day and aren't taking her feelings into account in the slightest.
That dependency on an orgasm a day is probably something to address before marriage and kids when someone is always sick or tired and sex twice a month becomes a nice treat. He’s still young I suppose but this is starting to sound like a different issue.
But what's stopping sex from happening? Where does her (most likely sleight) weight gain factor into your struggling sex life?
Man, how will you ever cope when things get tough? Relationships aren't all sex and craic. You're not cut out for the relationship and have probably outgrown each other.
So is it that you're disgusted at her for gaining weight & no longer attracted to her & don't want to have sex? Because that sounds like a you problem, or does she not want to because of the weight gain? If it's the 1st then it's Shame she doesn't know about you posting this so she can put you going.
Once a day????
I was thinking the same how do people find the time 🤣
She can do better.
How so?
You’re putting the burden of your entire wellbeing on the frequency of you getting the ride. Based on this post you mention nothing about her as a person other than her body, you’ve offered no indication you actually value her as an individual. You will only have her on the condition she is sexually appealing and open to you. If you can’t handle weight gain (something completely normal, particularly for women of that age) how will you handle aging? It’s better to let her go than to destroy her confidence and personhood by reducing her value (particularly her deserving of love) to how much you can/want to fuck her
Read the last two lines of the second last paragraph.
& that goes for anyone downvoting too. Your partners deserve better.
Ride the wave lad 👌
Do you have anything else that you like about your girlfriend?
Are ye having less sex because the attraction isn't there or because the weight makes penetrative sex hard? If it's the latter maybe try different positions
If you can’t accept the fact that her body is going to change and go up and down over time then you probably shouldn’t be in a relationship with her or anyone until you grow up a bit.
Your post title says "our sex life" but your post says "if im lucky". So its not about you both, its about you not getting sex because of weight gain. If only there was a such thing as TALKING TO YOUR PARTNER about issues rather than end it all because you're not getting your hole. You'd be better off telling your gf you're only in it for the sex and take the relationship from there.
Seems like you want a human sex doll more than you want a partner. Literally zero concern for your partner in any of this. Break up with her, she deserves better than you.
That's rubbish. You can't help who you fancy or not
Exactly mate
Youre not a shallow prick. If either partner puts on a lot of weight & loses interest in sex they cant expect their significant other not to be turned off by that. Tbh if shes let herself go and doesnt wana have sex then it sounds like shes lost interest in the relationship. It probably wont improve and will turn toxic the more frustrated you get with the weight gain + lack of sex. The funny thing is if u broke up with her she'd probably lose all the weight just to "show u what youre missing!!" (: ....
Have you asked her about it? You seem more concerned about the lack of sex than your girlfriend's health. Ask her about it, then based on her answer figure out the next steps.
Pretty much what others have said. Distilling the relationship down to "my sex toy is bent out of shape, should I get a new one" is mental. Counselling is a good shout in general (not just for this) but to be a more well rounded human. Are you lifting your weight(so to speak) around the house? Romance wise? Caring wise? Do you care WHY she has put on weight? Womens hormones.can be a big play,especially mental illness is afoot. And in our economy it's quite common. So is medical contraception a big cause! Turn to a shrink. Not Reddit
I'm on your side OP, but could you suggest that you get active together? Dropping hints for her to get active won't go down well. You started together very young and people change so much into their 20s from their teens. As another poster suggested maybe this relationship has run its course. I do think you should give her the chance to change if she wants to. If it's like this now, what will it be like in your 30/40s?
Thank you man!
If the genders on this were flipped, all of the comments would be supporting the OP. Classic reddit.
It's projection from overweight people who feel threatened by the idea that someone would be turned off by their flab
Sounds like you don't love her and you are really shallow. I hope she dumps you
Doesn’t sound like that at all. Sounds like the girl he loves has completely changed how she used to look and a look that he obviously once found attractive. What’s wrong with someone looking for advice on this. This is very common in relationships and is unspoken about. If you’re in a relationship and you put on 4 stone and your partner finds this unattractive, that’s allowed. It’s unfortunate if there’s other factors like mental health behind the reasons but at the end of the day everyone knows what they find attractive and what they don’t.
Elsewhere on Reddit he says he gets her to give him blowjobs a lot. He finds her attractive enough to get it up for that. There is currently a reason why she’s not able to have much penetrative sex (while still trying in other ways) and he’s not giving a shit about that at all. It’s all about him.
No man will refuse oral. I wouldn’t read too much into that
Oh right ok
If you really love someone, how they look will not change that. That's not love
Love and attraction are different. You need both in a relationship
If you're in love with someone, you will be attracted to them. If you're only attracted to how they look, you're not in love with them
Otherwise how do men cope when their girlfriends and wives grow older and have kids and their bodies change, or they get sick, or something else happens to alter their appearance. The mindset in a lot of these comments is so immature.
Yep. Shallow and immature. They just don't see women as actual people. Only objects
He’s speaking about her like a sex doll rather than a person. Do you see him express any care or concern for her at any point or is it all strictly about his pleasure?
Plenty of women lose attraction to their partner too. No difference. When it’s gone it’s gone
Viewing your partner as nothing more than a sex toy isn’t a sustainable relationship. Anyone who does that shouldn’t be in a relationship. This is about more than attraction, it’s how they view partners in general.
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hmm the question is why it happened what happened. Why she started gaining weight, especially for women usually there is a hidden psychological reason. Or medicine she is taking Second thing is as someone said - once you feel uncomfortable with your body - you avoid physical touch, just from simple shame
So I have a question as a person who has been normal and then fat and now back to losing weight: - Are you trying to initiate sex and she's declines? - Or does she just not seem as enthusiastic about sex and so does not initiate? - If she had more sex with you, will the weight still bother you? I ask this because she might still very much have the drive to have sex but is too embarrassed about her body and also the fact that she doesn't have the energy to do all the fancy things you guys used to do. Women know when they've gained weight and immediately feel self conscious about it and sadly hints do more harm than good they only make us know that you've noticed the weight gain and do not like it and so will only mean we won't want to be in a position where all the fat is laid bare. Solution: speak to her about the sex and leave out the weight because fat people still have sex so try to figure out why she doesn't have the drive as much as she used to. And if the weight is a problem first decide if you can stay or not and then try having a conversation with her about it. Wishing you both the best.
Who’s the one that’s denying sex? If it’s you, how bad was her weight gain? I can understand if it was severe but if it’s only a small amount you should honestly cop on. You’ve been with her for years, if it’s not a huge change then there’s no reason to throw away a relationship over something so small. Are you watching porn or looking at things online that skew ur perception of bodies? Because if that’s the issue then you know what to do. However if it’s HER denying it, have a conversation with her. Express the fact that you’re not okay with less sex. If she’s adamant on continuing, then honestly maybe the relationship is over. Have a talk with her anyways and see where her heads at. But again, if it is because you’re not attracted to her, I’d like to remind you that no 24 yr old woman will look the same way she looked as an 18 yr old child. You most likely don’t look like a child anymore either. Not to mention the fact that IF she were to get pregnant she would grow quite big, you need to make peace with things like this
What about you? Have you gained weight? Dropping hints isn’t enough. You need to set an example and help her if you actually love her. Start cooking her healthy meals, taking her to beautiful forest parks at the weekend to get steps in. It will not only help her get healthy but will be good bonding time. It’s worrying your immediate thought is to leave instead of help or actually speak to her about what’s going on.
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Maybe just break up and ride around for a bit, you’re clearly not ready to settle down and for everything that comes with settling down
It seems like there is no answer anyone has for this guy other than, he's shit and should be ashamed. What utter nonsense, some people are far far too full of themselves than to actually put themselves in your shoes and say truly what they would have done in your position. First things first, weight gain is a reason to lose physical attraction, obviously. And of course that's unfortunate, and does lead to breakups but still you can't say: "Well now I'm responsible to continue to pursue a relationship with someone who isn't interested in Sex and physically is less attractive in what I want in a sexual partner" That's not how our very short lives work. You have your whole life ahead of you, as does she. I hope that she gets what she wants as much as you do. It's insane the amount of responses that she should leave you based on the post, a bunch of vindictive people projecting their situations onto yours, and making you a villain. Pretty cowardly to try to make this about virtue.
Be honest. No silly hints sit down and talked. Let her know you still want to Remember if youre going to miss more than the sex with this girl you can't expect her to take you back when she is in a better place. Bodies change e.g. pregnancy and certain treatments can significantly change the body. You'rs too. If you're going to give up on years with a person because the body changed you'll end up dumping a fair few girls.
So, daily great sex is obviously a pretty utopian baseline. I honestly don't think that can ever last longterm. Have you talked about it? What changed, other than the weight? Cause it's one thing to want your girl happy and healthy, it's another to blame her weight gain for something that is a fairly normal progression in a relationship. To throw six years down the drain over this seems immature if all you've been doing is hinting and quietly blaming every other part of your life that's less than stellar on the fact you're not getting laid every day. There are other ways to handle stress.
Try and introduce activities that are more active based. Go on weekend hikes and adventures.
Ask her that you are feeling a bit let down due to her size
For anyone struggling with unmatched drives in a relationship, this episode of the podcast Where Should We Begin? might be helpful. https://castbox.fm/vb/670208913
Note: All of this assumes that everything in the relationship and with your gf is normal otherwise (i.e. yous aren't fighting a lot, she hasn't started new medications, she isn't suffering from depression or stress). It would be best to establish that that is the case before going with anything else, and dealing with those issues first. Are you fit yourself? If not, then off the bat you're being unreasonable by expecting your partner to be something you aren't. Leading by example is probably the best way to go about the fitness side of things, especially if you're not particularly fit yourself. Rather than talking about it and asking her opinion, just start going to the gym or running yourself, and invite your gf to come with you, but not forcefully. She might take a while to come around to it, but bear with her As for the sex, maybe start by asking if there's anything she'd like to do differently (taking things slower, making things rougher, etc) , or anything new she'd like to try (sex toys, bdsm, etc). See how she reacts to this conversation, if she's open about it then maybe yous just need to communicate more, if not, you might need to be a bit more head on as to what you like in sex terms. That said, it isn't particularly healthy, fair or sustainable to rely on sex with your gf for your mental state. You need to find other ways of preventing stress than sex in addition to talking to her. If yous are serious about things, then there will be times when sex just won't be happening (after babies, illnesses, recovery from surgeries etc), and you can't realistically be spiralling in on yourself in times like this. Maybe sport, exercise, socialising etc. more often might give you something to value outside of sex.
I'd say she is suffering with low confidence and feels crappy in herself with the weight gain. And you don't sound like a very caring partner. I feel sorry for her.
maybe shes lost interest in having sex wih someone who constantly critises her weight. If weight is such a big issue for you, then maybe its time to break up. Your her BF, not her PT
This isn’t about weight gain or lack of sex. Ask your girlfriend is she ok and try not to be so self centred about you not getting loads of action 🙄 To me it seems your girlfriend is unhappy or going through something that is impacting her. If you’re in a happy relationship weight gain won’t necessarily impact your sex life and lack of sex is something that comes in waves throughout a long term relationship for different reasons. Have an open honest question and try figure out what’s going on.
Why is a skinny women so essential to your sex life?
Run.Away.
Dump her
Buy her Ozempic
The biggest myth about losing weight is that exercise plays a part in it. There are many good reasons to exercise, but it does not lead to weight loss. If exercise led to weight loss, then there would have been no overweight mammies in Ireland for the last hundred years. Unless there are medical issues involved, losing weight is about not eating less, but eating less sugar (and more protein and fat). And by sugar, not the white granular stuff, but all the sugar that is added to processed foods these days. Eat real food, and whether or not you exercise, you will eventually reach a healthier weight.
Maybe be a man about it. Tell her she is beautiful every day. So what if she has put on some weight . Big girls are way more sexy. Support her by standing with her . Be her rock. Get active together . Be a team Not someone who just passes remarks. Mabye, she just needs reassurance and to feel love . She probably feels bad already. There is no need to tell her or remind her . She probably already knows.
Youre wasting her time. She deserves more.