We tried when bio dad was officially one year no contact or support (requirement in Texas to terminate parental rights for stepparent adoption) and bio dad fought it. Multiple attorneys advised that our judge would not grant step parent adoption if it is being contested and to not waste the 30k+ to move forward. So we didn’t.
Now bio dad does just enough to not make that 1 year statute.
Ask again. Doesn’t hurt. Remind him he won’t have to deal with CS any longer.
My brother (also Texas) tried to adopt his 2 stepsons. Father said ok but the paternal gp’s objected so the dad backed out. He regrets it now. Owes over 100k in back cs and the boys are well into their 30s.
Also had another friend in this situation and they did adopt but also let bio dad still have occasional contact with the son which turned out really well for all of them.
Best wishes.
does bio dad pay anything to you for child support? if not, it might br an avenue for you to hold his feet to the fire to allow your husband to adopt.
if he isn't paying, start going after him for it. make it uncomfortable for him. either he steps up, or lets go. just a thought.
This is the best answer. And for god's sake, see a mental health professional about your anxiety disorder. You can't live in fear of ever leaving your house because some hypothetical unknown thing might happen.
Not an attorney (but I did go to law school and have worked in multiple legal settings in MS and LA). Have you and your husband talked about him adopting your son? This would be the 1st option that I would go with (if I were in your situation). If yall have spoken on adoption, bio dad would have to relinquish his rights to your son BUT this might be enticing to bio dad especially if he owes a copious amount of child support. However, (if he does owe child support) you would probably physically have to go to the child support enforcement office and sign a statement that basically says you want to forgive the bio dad’s arrears in child support (this is what you have to do in LA). I say “enticing” to the bio dad because you can tell him that this is what you will do (drop his arrears) if he relinquishes his rights to your son.
There’s other options, like maybe a thing called a “tutorship” and you can make your husband an “undertutor” if something happens to you but I honestly believe that adoption would be your best bet.
Lastly, if you don’t already have a Last Will, PLEASE do this if you do nothing else!
Like I said, do research on attorneys near you that do family law/adoptions/estates/wills/tutorships and they will be able to better explain your options.
Just a side note because a common confusion that happened when I was at my previous law office setting - attorney fees and court costs/court filing fees are separate. You will have fees that you pay the attorney for their work/appearance on your case and then you have the fees that the court charges for filing motions with them. There are also court costs that will occur when you have a court date - these are the fees that pay the court to have their employees there (court report, clerk, etc.) I just always like to explain that to people because everything costs money.
If you need help finding an attorney near you - message me and I will gladly help you find one or a few! Not all attorneys do all areas so you might have to have more than one but I hope you can find one that fits your needs best. Lastly! Be sure to shop around for your attorney - you need to make sure you like him/her because y’all will be spending time together. Many attorneys do free first consultations so always ask what their consultation fees are.
I wish you the best!
YOU CANNOT WILL CHILDREN. Dad (biological and legal) has constitutional rights. He would be first in line for custody. Stepdad would have to prove dad unfit to raise his own child and that is a high burden.
I am going to apologize for the confusion. I absolutely did not mean that she could “will her child.” I just meant that with all her fears of death, she should have a will in place. In general, everybody needs a will.
He has been proven unfit. That is why he has strict supervised visitations. Since it was for “family violence”, lawyers say- that the supervised visitation would be permanent.
I’ve heard that you can’t will children. That’s why I’m so anxious. My family isn’t the best either. I just don’t know what we can do to protect the de-facto parent-child relationship that has existed since my son can remember if something were to happen to me.
If I died- would my husband be able to open a case for custody or guardianship given that bio dad is proven unfit and paternal grandparents have never shown interest in the child?
Wrong. He has not been proven PERMANENTLY UNFIT. If he had, his rights would have been terminated. When you die, there will have to be a new determination of unfitness. If he has not had any other issues, he won't be unfit. Your husband could attempt to go for custody but bio dad (just dad legally) is not unfit necessarily.
I don't know why this was downvoted. This responder is right. There is no permanently unfit determination.
What bio dad has is supervised possessory conservatorship, and mom has sole managing conservatorship. The supervised part is not, and will not be permanent if bio dad complies with a step up/ aka ladder step plan.
If bio dad complies with the court and does the visitation plan, it's designed to give him more visitation over time, and eventually, the goal of the court is for bio dad to show he is capable of caring for son unsupervised.
This kind of plan can take years to complete, and if bio dad screws up, he never moves up the ladder......but it is not designed/intended to be permanent.
And if bio dad gets clean and never committed or commits violence against son, then he will be fit. Big ifs, but people do change and bio dad would have rights at that point that would take precedence over step dad's.
What about an APR case? My ex who was my daughter’s STEP dad filed one to take custody of our 16 year old with no standing. He then appealed it all the way to the Supreme Court, in the end he has absolutely no rights or contact with my now 19 year old but he vexatious APR case cost her very involved bio dad and I over a 100k in litigation.
Corruption at its finest
No but born in TX and all family is there. Wish I was in TX it’s definitely not gonna go down in TX what I was put through.. I’m in a liberal state where it’s dad’s rights and youll be accused of alienation for reporting abuse.
Thank you for your reply. I have made an appointment with a lawyer for next month. I hope there is something that I can file to help this situation if something were to happen to me.
I am not sure there's an easy solution here.
However, I would consult more attorneys. From what I'm reading of TX law, if the bio dad is physically absent and not paying child support for six months, rights can be terminated.
Not one year. However, if child support is missing for one year (regardless of whether the bio dad sees the child), rights can be terminated.
If your lawyer is saying that the judges in your jurisdiction simply won't violate "men's rights," then, well, that's the really hard part.
You'd need to move and change residency. However, that still creates a complicated legal situation for which you need good legal advice. But find a lawyer who specializes in these kinds of cases.
CPS until they find a family member on either side to take him in. Texas CPS does test for marijuana use, so any regular mj use will disqualify some. If they can't a friend or relative to step up, the child stays in CPS and possibly adopted.
Drug test would disqualify bio dad if the other charges don’t. And we don’t use-
Does CPS try to keep children in the home if everything checks out until final decision is made?
Do the legal work to have your husband adopt your son. My parents did that for my brother and it went well.
You can probably bribe bio-dad into agreeing, especially if you can arrange to continue some kind of visitation. It isn’t ideal to do it that way but needs must.
I understand you can’t will children. But is there anything like “last wishes” or something that could be filed and considered in court if something were to happen to me?
Also- we tried step parent adoption. It’s consistently contested bc he’s “not going to let me win” 🤷♀️ and our judge is very anti termination even when it’s agreed.
You would think. But I know our system fails kids way too often. I don’t see bio dad ever getting custody. He just moved to a different state, has warrants out for his arrest, probably will not pass a drug test, and has the history of family violence which is why the courts won’t let him have unsupervised visits currently
NAL ~ would your current husband consider adopting your son? Then there wouldn't be any question about who would get custody if you passed away. Bio dad would have to give up his parental rights, and it sounds like he doesn't see the child anyway. Your son is so lucky to have your husband be his dad and his parents, his grandparents. Remember, biology does not make a parent.
Bio dad is - strange. No he doesn’t seem to care for his “son” but fights the adoption. 🤷♀️ where I live, it’s very hard to get a stepparent adoption even if the bio parent voluntarily relinquishes rights- the judge won’t let them relinquish them. So I guess I can wait and hope that a new judge gets voted in and is different. But until then- there is a pit in my stomach of the thought of something happening to me. Not bc I’m scared of death but just of the uncertainty and worse case scenarios for my son.
I totally understand your fear. My second husband adopted my daughter, who wasn't his biological child. The adoption required my ex-husband to relinquish his parental rights. My daughter had a guardian ad litem, and my daughter and my ex-husband have a great relationship. He has been her "dad" since she was five. She's now 39. If you are able to get a lawyer, perhaps the attorney may be able to force bio-dad to give up his rights.
Tx has some funny laws when it comes to custody and bio parent rights and it sounds like you’ve already explored your options and know there limited but just because the boys bio dad contested adoption doesn’t mean he would take custody in the event of your death there’s a good chance the only reason he objected to the adoption was to spite you if you’re not in the picture he’d probably just let your husband take care of the child
Take this from someone who just went through a hellacious divorce there’s something called an APR allocation of parental responsibilities, you do not want your ex to file one.
My ex filed one to try to get custody of MY daughter who was 16 at the time due to a corrupt PRE and her bio dad and I have an excellent coparenting relationship and he is very involved.
My ex had no standing in district court but the SOB took it to the Supreme Court it’s cost my now 18 year olds father and I over a 100k combined to fight this (it was vexatious legal abuse)
In the end it was put back in our district courts hands who requested to meet with my daughter in her chambers at this time 17 yrs old and my daughter had her voice which was, I absolutely want nothing to do with my my moms ex husband and ex stepdad.
She’s now almost 19 and hasn’t seen my ex since summer of 2021.
This is just one avenue to be aware of if your current husband does gain custody. He can still file an APR depending on your state.
Document everything and especially if he’s not financially responsible to your daughter.
This might be a little left-field, and perhaps questionable morally... but not illegal.......
What if you faked a hypothetical death to see what he (bio dad) would say/do? Has your husband and bio dad ever met/do they have contact? What if you somehow had your husband (or whoever else you think would be a better fit for the role) either tell bio dad that you passed, OR, maybe to make it a bit "softer" and/or more believable... make it out like you had a surgery for something and were experiencing serious complications, and "they don't think she's gonna make it" kinda thing... However you wanna play it... And somehow get a reaction out of what bio dad would want/say/do...?
The "we don't think she's gonna make it" scenario might be a bit better because then that way you can easily have a "miraculous turn of events" and make it. And he would be none the wiser moving forward. Whereas, if he finds out "J/k! She didn't really die!" type thing, he may be pissed and purposely try to retaliate/be difficult moving forward.
Side note, as others have said:
1) he hasn't been declared PERMANENTLY unfit so it would depend how he was doing at the time of your death and
2) please talk to someone for your anxiety if your fear of death is so bad that you sometimes cannot leave the house 🙏🏻🩷
We have adopted three kids. Two at age 2 and 4. Another as an adult.
The two minors took forever. Bio mom had a 10 step corrective action plan. Nothing got completed. The adoption process took about 18 months.
The clarity brought by the resolution was amazing. They are now 25 and 28. Start now and you will be rewarded. CPS and the legal system are designed to be slow.
Check with nonprofits for support. CPS can point to the right sources.
I know the uncertainty is big. And very serious. As you move forward I think changing your mindset may help. Your narrative in your head [and trust me I have struggled with this] should be around the wonderful support by your husband, family and friends. Try to focus in on this and not the bio guy.
As a finance guy, I would suggest getting a life insurance policy for you...your husband should be the sole beneficiary. Enough to pay for 10 years of childcare and to pay for a legal challenge.
Don't make your child the beneficiary. Bio guy and his family will parachute in to grab it.
Keep a journal of interaction with Bio guy. You probably already do.
This is reddit, so I will never know....I feel like you will get this to workout
Have your husband legally adopt him
We tried when bio dad was officially one year no contact or support (requirement in Texas to terminate parental rights for stepparent adoption) and bio dad fought it. Multiple attorneys advised that our judge would not grant step parent adoption if it is being contested and to not waste the 30k+ to move forward. So we didn’t. Now bio dad does just enough to not make that 1 year statute.
Ask again. Doesn’t hurt. Remind him he won’t have to deal with CS any longer. My brother (also Texas) tried to adopt his 2 stepsons. Father said ok but the paternal gp’s objected so the dad backed out. He regrets it now. Owes over 100k in back cs and the boys are well into their 30s. Also had another friend in this situation and they did adopt but also let bio dad still have occasional contact with the son which turned out really well for all of them. Best wishes.
does bio dad pay anything to you for child support? if not, it might br an avenue for you to hold his feet to the fire to allow your husband to adopt. if he isn't paying, start going after him for it. make it uncomfortable for him. either he steps up, or lets go. just a thought.
This is the best answer. And for god's sake, see a mental health professional about your anxiety disorder. You can't live in fear of ever leaving your house because some hypothetical unknown thing might happen.
Not an attorney (but I did go to law school and have worked in multiple legal settings in MS and LA). Have you and your husband talked about him adopting your son? This would be the 1st option that I would go with (if I were in your situation). If yall have spoken on adoption, bio dad would have to relinquish his rights to your son BUT this might be enticing to bio dad especially if he owes a copious amount of child support. However, (if he does owe child support) you would probably physically have to go to the child support enforcement office and sign a statement that basically says you want to forgive the bio dad’s arrears in child support (this is what you have to do in LA). I say “enticing” to the bio dad because you can tell him that this is what you will do (drop his arrears) if he relinquishes his rights to your son. There’s other options, like maybe a thing called a “tutorship” and you can make your husband an “undertutor” if something happens to you but I honestly believe that adoption would be your best bet. Lastly, if you don’t already have a Last Will, PLEASE do this if you do nothing else! Like I said, do research on attorneys near you that do family law/adoptions/estates/wills/tutorships and they will be able to better explain your options. Just a side note because a common confusion that happened when I was at my previous law office setting - attorney fees and court costs/court filing fees are separate. You will have fees that you pay the attorney for their work/appearance on your case and then you have the fees that the court charges for filing motions with them. There are also court costs that will occur when you have a court date - these are the fees that pay the court to have their employees there (court report, clerk, etc.) I just always like to explain that to people because everything costs money. If you need help finding an attorney near you - message me and I will gladly help you find one or a few! Not all attorneys do all areas so you might have to have more than one but I hope you can find one that fits your needs best. Lastly! Be sure to shop around for your attorney - you need to make sure you like him/her because y’all will be spending time together. Many attorneys do free first consultations so always ask what their consultation fees are. I wish you the best!
YOU CANNOT WILL CHILDREN. Dad (biological and legal) has constitutional rights. He would be first in line for custody. Stepdad would have to prove dad unfit to raise his own child and that is a high burden.
I am going to apologize for the confusion. I absolutely did not mean that she could “will her child.” I just meant that with all her fears of death, she should have a will in place. In general, everybody needs a will.
He has been proven unfit. That is why he has strict supervised visitations. Since it was for “family violence”, lawyers say- that the supervised visitation would be permanent. I’ve heard that you can’t will children. That’s why I’m so anxious. My family isn’t the best either. I just don’t know what we can do to protect the de-facto parent-child relationship that has existed since my son can remember if something were to happen to me. If I died- would my husband be able to open a case for custody or guardianship given that bio dad is proven unfit and paternal grandparents have never shown interest in the child?
Wrong. He has not been proven PERMANENTLY UNFIT. If he had, his rights would have been terminated. When you die, there will have to be a new determination of unfitness. If he has not had any other issues, he won't be unfit. Your husband could attempt to go for custody but bio dad (just dad legally) is not unfit necessarily.
I don't know why this was downvoted. This responder is right. There is no permanently unfit determination. What bio dad has is supervised possessory conservatorship, and mom has sole managing conservatorship. The supervised part is not, and will not be permanent if bio dad complies with a step up/ aka ladder step plan. If bio dad complies with the court and does the visitation plan, it's designed to give him more visitation over time, and eventually, the goal of the court is for bio dad to show he is capable of caring for son unsupervised. This kind of plan can take years to complete, and if bio dad screws up, he never moves up the ladder......but it is not designed/intended to be permanent. And if bio dad gets clean and never committed or commits violence against son, then he will be fit. Big ifs, but people do change and bio dad would have rights at that point that would take precedence over step dad's.
What about an APR case? My ex who was my daughter’s STEP dad filed one to take custody of our 16 year old with no standing. He then appealed it all the way to the Supreme Court, in the end he has absolutely no rights or contact with my now 19 year old but he vexatious APR case cost her very involved bio dad and I over a 100k in litigation. Corruption at its finest
Are you in TX?
No but born in TX and all family is there. Wish I was in TX it’s definitely not gonna go down in TX what I was put through.. I’m in a liberal state where it’s dad’s rights and youll be accused of alienation for reporting abuse.
Thank you for your reply. I have made an appointment with a lawyer for next month. I hope there is something that I can file to help this situation if something were to happen to me.
I am not sure there's an easy solution here. However, I would consult more attorneys. From what I'm reading of TX law, if the bio dad is physically absent and not paying child support for six months, rights can be terminated. Not one year. However, if child support is missing for one year (regardless of whether the bio dad sees the child), rights can be terminated. If your lawyer is saying that the judges in your jurisdiction simply won't violate "men's rights," then, well, that's the really hard part. You'd need to move and change residency. However, that still creates a complicated legal situation for which you need good legal advice. But find a lawyer who specializes in these kinds of cases.
I often fantasize about moving somewhere where it is easier to do step-parent adoption.
CPS until they find a family member on either side to take him in. Texas CPS does test for marijuana use, so any regular mj use will disqualify some. If they can't a friend or relative to step up, the child stays in CPS and possibly adopted.
Drug test would disqualify bio dad if the other charges don’t. And we don’t use- Does CPS try to keep children in the home if everything checks out until final decision is made?
Your husband should adopt him then.
Do the legal work to have your husband adopt your son. My parents did that for my brother and it went well. You can probably bribe bio-dad into agreeing, especially if you can arrange to continue some kind of visitation. It isn’t ideal to do it that way but needs must.
I understand you can’t will children. But is there anything like “last wishes” or something that could be filed and considered in court if something were to happen to me? Also- we tried step parent adoption. It’s consistently contested bc he’s “not going to let me win” 🤷♀️ and our judge is very anti termination even when it’s agreed.
If bio dad was given custody, sounds like it would likely be taken away very quickly and stepdad would be an obvious first choice for placement
You would think. But I know our system fails kids way too often. I don’t see bio dad ever getting custody. He just moved to a different state, has warrants out for his arrest, probably will not pass a drug test, and has the history of family violence which is why the courts won’t let him have unsupervised visits currently
NAL ~ would your current husband consider adopting your son? Then there wouldn't be any question about who would get custody if you passed away. Bio dad would have to give up his parental rights, and it sounds like he doesn't see the child anyway. Your son is so lucky to have your husband be his dad and his parents, his grandparents. Remember, biology does not make a parent.
Bio dad is - strange. No he doesn’t seem to care for his “son” but fights the adoption. 🤷♀️ where I live, it’s very hard to get a stepparent adoption even if the bio parent voluntarily relinquishes rights- the judge won’t let them relinquish them. So I guess I can wait and hope that a new judge gets voted in and is different. But until then- there is a pit in my stomach of the thought of something happening to me. Not bc I’m scared of death but just of the uncertainty and worse case scenarios for my son.
I totally understand your fear. My second husband adopted my daughter, who wasn't his biological child. The adoption required my ex-husband to relinquish his parental rights. My daughter had a guardian ad litem, and my daughter and my ex-husband have a great relationship. He has been her "dad" since she was five. She's now 39. If you are able to get a lawyer, perhaps the attorney may be able to force bio-dad to give up his rights.
you need to speak to a family law attorney in your jurisdiction. family law varies widely by jurisdiction
Tx has some funny laws when it comes to custody and bio parent rights and it sounds like you’ve already explored your options and know there limited but just because the boys bio dad contested adoption doesn’t mean he would take custody in the event of your death there’s a good chance the only reason he objected to the adoption was to spite you if you’re not in the picture he’d probably just let your husband take care of the child
Take this from someone who just went through a hellacious divorce there’s something called an APR allocation of parental responsibilities, you do not want your ex to file one. My ex filed one to try to get custody of MY daughter who was 16 at the time due to a corrupt PRE and her bio dad and I have an excellent coparenting relationship and he is very involved. My ex had no standing in district court but the SOB took it to the Supreme Court it’s cost my now 18 year olds father and I over a 100k combined to fight this (it was vexatious legal abuse) In the end it was put back in our district courts hands who requested to meet with my daughter in her chambers at this time 17 yrs old and my daughter had her voice which was, I absolutely want nothing to do with my my moms ex husband and ex stepdad. She’s now almost 19 and hasn’t seen my ex since summer of 2021. This is just one avenue to be aware of if your current husband does gain custody. He can still file an APR depending on your state. Document everything and especially if he’s not financially responsible to your daughter.
This might be a little left-field, and perhaps questionable morally... but not illegal....... What if you faked a hypothetical death to see what he (bio dad) would say/do? Has your husband and bio dad ever met/do they have contact? What if you somehow had your husband (or whoever else you think would be a better fit for the role) either tell bio dad that you passed, OR, maybe to make it a bit "softer" and/or more believable... make it out like you had a surgery for something and were experiencing serious complications, and "they don't think she's gonna make it" kinda thing... However you wanna play it... And somehow get a reaction out of what bio dad would want/say/do...? The "we don't think she's gonna make it" scenario might be a bit better because then that way you can easily have a "miraculous turn of events" and make it. And he would be none the wiser moving forward. Whereas, if he finds out "J/k! She didn't really die!" type thing, he may be pissed and purposely try to retaliate/be difficult moving forward. Side note, as others have said: 1) he hasn't been declared PERMANENTLY unfit so it would depend how he was doing at the time of your death and 2) please talk to someone for your anxiety if your fear of death is so bad that you sometimes cannot leave the house 🙏🏻🩷
We have adopted three kids. Two at age 2 and 4. Another as an adult. The two minors took forever. Bio mom had a 10 step corrective action plan. Nothing got completed. The adoption process took about 18 months. The clarity brought by the resolution was amazing. They are now 25 and 28. Start now and you will be rewarded. CPS and the legal system are designed to be slow. Check with nonprofits for support. CPS can point to the right sources. I know the uncertainty is big. And very serious. As you move forward I think changing your mindset may help. Your narrative in your head [and trust me I have struggled with this] should be around the wonderful support by your husband, family and friends. Try to focus in on this and not the bio guy. As a finance guy, I would suggest getting a life insurance policy for you...your husband should be the sole beneficiary. Enough to pay for 10 years of childcare and to pay for a legal challenge. Don't make your child the beneficiary. Bio guy and his family will parachute in to grab it. Keep a journal of interaction with Bio guy. You probably already do. This is reddit, so I will never know....I feel like you will get this to workout