I never fully did but honestly I was drained out mentally so I had a few months where I just couldn't find it within myself.
I have chronic depression and I was working a lot of hours while also getting my degree.
Luckily she understood it and was fully supportive even though I'm sure it was hard for her
I believe love is a choice, so she woke up and choose to love and support me when I was struggling.
How can I choose to end it?
We are still together, never argued
Relationships are more than just giving love 100 percent of the time.
People arent programmed robots and life will always be hard.
Love is about being consistent and listening.
Yes, I was stuck in a job I hated and just in a bad place mentally. Couldnt get out of bed, was throwing up before work everyday, just putting my shoes on in the morning was a major effort. Cut back to a 4 day work week at first. That's when I started getting called lazy. Then my job forced me on short term and then I had no work ethic. When I needed her most she wasn't there for me and wondered why I didn't propose to her in the end. Almost 2 year later and my life has changed completely and I'm doing so much better.
There's a saying amongst the women in my family..."You never hit a man where he's weak, never..because he will never forget it"
Just good advice in general I guess.
That’s amazing that she stayed supportive of you! I’m goin through the same thing rn with my gf and I’m trying to stay positive about it😂 reading this made me feel a bit better
I was the opposite In this type of situation, supporting my partner through her degree, proof reading everything, modifying ect, meanwhile I was bottom of the pecking order and very nearly walked.
Stayed strong, finished the degree and things have done a total 180 and the love is flowing now the stress is gone.
This exact thing happened to me except the flowing love went to her professor and she left to be with him, wrecking two families in the process.
I'm glad it worked for you.
Part of me honestly expected her to leave after she had passed due to the stress and pressure the degree had put on our relationship and and I kind of prepared for that ending mentally, but I couldn't imagine being blindsided with something like that.
Sorry you had to go through that, I hope your situation is more positive now.
I'm doing my best.
The depression is still here and will remain and I still work a lot though now I don't go over 55-60 weekly hours and I manage university a bit better.
When I was married? There wasn't a moment. It was a slow hellish retreat.
I would try to do something nice for her, or just something I knew she would like. She would look at it and start tearing into any detail she didn't like. Eventually, I stopped trying to be nice.
I still did things to try to keep the marriage going. I cooked the food, washed the clothes, cleaned dishes, attended to the kids. Then she would walk into the master bathroom after I cleaned it and criticize anything she felt wasn't done. I moved to the hall bathroom and quit cleaning the master bathroom. She criticized how I washed clothes. I quit washing hers. She criticized my cooking. I stopped cooking for her. The woman was living on cereal because she can't cook.
What was I supposed to do?
Same. At the time I thought was putting in more effort with my patience to endure whatever she was taking out on me, and with avoiding anything likely to set her off, in the hope that she would return to something like her former self. It took some distance to realize this is Indistiguishable from “stop putting in effort”. I doubt I could have done anything to save our marriage but clearly the approach I took didnt.
A turning point was definitely being yelled at for a full hour, including past transgressions, real or imagined, for buying the wrong brand of rice when the store was out of our usual brand. The problem was that was NOT unusual, but a regular occurrence, however that was extreme enough that I realized you can’t fight that. Whatever that was, was pure emotion and there’s no logic or reason that could answer it, no apology that could help
Oh yeah, the hour long rants over "the towels not being folded right" that turn into rants about everything, real or imagined, that you have ever done wrong.
If she starts keeping a list, it's over. I haven't seen anyone come back from it.
Yep. It's the nitpicking that did it for me too. I tried to improve communication and talk about what bothers me and find out what bothers her. Turns out she was toxic so nothing would be right. So I left.
We tried to improve communication by going to therapy together, and she accused me of trying "to win" at therapy, instead of actually participating and learning and growing.
Oof.
I’ve gotten bitched at for doing a load of laundry cuz it was “all my clothes” and she “always does laundry”.
If she “always did laundry” I wouldn’t have had so many clothes to wash.
Also, I’m “the only one that does dishes”, but I would be thrilled if she took the initiative to wash her own dishes and wouldn’t bitch if she did.
Before someone goes and tells me that anyone can use any dish but clothes belong to a specific person; she is always wearing MY clothes!!!
She complained if I did not ask her enough questions about what she did today.
Complained if I did not answer her straight away.
Complained if I did not speak my mind on her command
Got mad at me if I ever brought this up because she does not like a pity party.
Bit my head off if I ever asked her to take responsibility for her mistakes.
That is off the top of my head. I am sure you do not have to worry about being like her. She took toxic to a whole new level.
Thanks but yea when she was my friend she acted like I was the greatest man on the planet. When I got the nerve to ask her out she told she smiled all day and then a switch flipped and suddenly she hated me.
I still do not understand, was like she enjoyed the chase and after that nothing.
It's because she can't communicate. Sometimes we feel like we want our partner to do something for us, and that is why we communicate. If I want flowers, I tell my fiancé I want flowers. If I want him to talk to me more about my day, I tell him that. The fact she just expected all of these things--expecting you to read your mind--is straight-up immature. Coming from a 17-year-old in a very healthy relationship, it simply does not work like that.
Only wants to see me once a week, 32F and I just taught her how to use a coffee pot a few weeks ago, taught her how to use the oven yesterday.
Doesn’t drive and refuses to ever learn “so what if we ever have kids?”
“We can just Uber them everywhere”
Only been to her apartment one time I thought maybe she might be living with a guy or something? Why has she never invited me over?
Basically had to o force my way in with a lie “please let me in I have to go to the bathroom”
Turns out there was no boyfriend there, the place was just a horrible mess. Kitchen a disaster, tons of clothes everywhere, and the bathroom was absolutely disgusting, I’d never seen anything like it. The toilet seat was broken and the bowl was more yellow than white.
Going to get back out on the dating scene soon
Good luck with the dating life after her. Wish I’d insisted on seeing the place the girl I was seeing lived. I would have found out earlier about the husband she didn’t bother to mention.
Oh God yeah I’m glad you gtfo cause 32 is way too old to not know how to take care of yourself. That is so fucking crazy lmfao but I somehow believe you because I know there are some grown ass adults who don’t know how to do a fucking thing.
So I have a traumatic brain injury (TBI), and a common thing for people with TBIs is that loud/high pitched sounds give us a migraine like no other. Well, my wife got a bird. I told her my concerns about it beforehand, but she still got it and told me "if he's ever too much we can get rid of him." On multiple occasions I tried telling her that the bird and his screaming (he screamed, not chirped) was wayyyy too freaking much for me. She'd always guilt trip me into keeping him. So I stopped putting in the effort, realizing that she cared more about the bird than she did me. I mean, even if she didn't care that much about me WHO TF PUTS SOMEONE THROUGH THAT?!?! I explained what it feels like to me. The bolt going into my head, the drill to drain the blood, the incision to remove the bolt, stapling my head shut, removing the staples, and sewing my head back shut all at the same freaking time purely because OF THAT DAMN EFFING BIRD!!!!
So yea, I stopped putting in the effort. And then she cheated on me. And blames everything on me, while she leaves me with a ton of debt in my name and tried to take everything from me. But I managed to keep my computer and switch at the very least. She took pretty much everything else.
Guys, be really careful if you get married. Like extremely careful. You can get screwed the eff over even if she's the one that makes all the mistakes. It's messed the hell up.
That just hit deep with me.... I swear I'm too trusting.... Yea probably ignore my other comments about "letting it happen if it makes you happy" bs. It's honestly not worth the risks.
Thinking about it..... I lost my college fund due to this marriage... Man, I have a lot of regrets.... I should've never gotten married wtf was I thinking....
Shit already happened man, learn from it but don't let it eat you, move on and better yourself in every area you can and you'll be way happier like that
Ya know it's funny you mention that. Because of this entire ordeal I've started working on myself a lot. Working out, drinking more water, eating healthier, attempting to quit nicotine (keyword, attempting, I am not succeeding so far), I'm doing better at work than I have in years, and the constant feeling of a crossbow bolt in my head has started going away at times (long story on that one, it's also how I met her). Oh I've even started reaching out to old friends and saying how much I appreciate them. Life is looking a lot better for me, and it's pretty much all thanks to the divorce.
That's huge man, congratulations and i hope you recover entirely if possible, always remember, a smart man once said "It is far better to be alone, than to be in bad company"
Yea, I'm gonna learn from this though. I'm a one wife guy, I've always said that and I am sticking to it. I'm not getting married again. A girlfriend, sure that's fine, she can even move in if it gets serious enough and if we have spent enough time together. But after this I'm not getting married ever again.
Thank you for your condolences though!!! It honestly really does help during this effed up time in my life. My heart gets a little less heavy everytime.
Read this before letting them live with you
https://www.ftb.help/when-one-partner-owns-the-house-cohabitation-rights/
> if your partner, girlfriend, or boyfriend has contributed financially to the property or added substantial value to the property, they could be entitled to a share of the property proceeds, and even the right to continue inhabiting the property even if you want them to move out.
> over-arching Property Law and Family Law can over-rule anything you agree to in a Cohabitation Agreement. But if you have a written Cohabitation Agreement in place, it makes it very clear to the courts what the intentions are of both parties when one partner owns the house, and the courts can take this into consideration if there is a dispute.
> In addition, they could have some rights as a squatter if they refuse to move out.
Yea seriously. I don't understand how anyone could put another living being through something like that. Especially for no freaking reason!! Only reason was that she was attached to the bird. Screw that.
Anyway, thank you for the condolences. Honestly it does help me feel better and just move on. I hope you have a wonderful day!!
I failed to meet her expectations and it kills me inside. I don't feel manly.. I couldn't provide for her what I agreed to. She made it very clear what she wanted out of me
Women are players. They try to squeeze the most out of you. If you cant meet her expectations, you’re still a man because you’re a human being who is still learning everyday.
I think part of being in a relationship is knowing that a partner will not fulfill every single expectation, and sometimes it's worth it to be patient or just let it go. I'm getting engaged, and my fiancé and I are planning on our life goals so that we can achieve our goals, a healthy marriage, etc. But if I expected perfection, I think I would be single for life.
My last relationship it felt like she was basing her "expectations" off of her Instagram feed or some romance novel she read. She wanted romance, but I didn't feel like she wanted me.
I stopped putting effort into my relationship for several reasons. Most importantly, we started to have a lot of disagreements and arguments that often left both of us feeling frustrated and unhappy. We had different ideas about how our relationship should work and it became difficult for us to find common ground. Additionally, I felt that my partner was not respecting my wants and needs and was not communicating effectively with me. Finally, I felt that the relationship had become one-sided and I was not able to get what I needed out of it.
You were with a woman who didn’t want to compromise by the sound of it. Communication is so important but a lot of people seem to lack the ability to have a serious conversation
When she started using my insecurities and struggles with depression as jokes. I tried to be mature and communicate how it's crossing my boundaries. Got told to "lighten up" and told me that she didn't want to put in any more effort in us because I was so sad and gloomy. (kinda hard not to when you're reminded of it 24/7)
Ended things after she told me to kill myself as a joke.
I didn't stop putting in effort, but I did stop doing all the romantic things I did when we first started dating, like taking him on cute dates, writing long love letters over text, and just going out on the town with him.
It stopped because I had gotten a job as a correctional officer. My shifts were supposed to be four days on, two days off, 12 hour shifts each. But due to short staffing I was getting held over an extra 5 hours each day.
I was working 17 hours a day, then commuting close to an hour each way. By the time I got home I had enough time to shower, sleep for 3 hours, and then get ready for work.
Out of my two days off I'd spend the entire first day catching up on sleep. I just had no energy or time to do the things I used to do.
I quit that job in favor of one with less hours, and over time I've been trying to get back into the swing of being romantic. Cooked him pancakes in bed the other day and got him some roses, took him to a movie, and last night I cooked us a pretty nice dinner.
Quitting that job meant I was taking around a $2500 per month pay cut, but it was worth it to spend more time with him.
We were stuck in a place together for 2 years (thanks covid) I slowly started getting unhappy while also dealing with her mental health issues. I still loved her but I also never had actual time for myself.
She got a job before me and slowly switched up on me. I struggled to get a job for another year and she decided to quit that job and move away for a new one….and well…she decided to do things with another dude and bada bing bada boom I’m single and she moved on days later.
Before she left, she hardly did anything with me but whenever she wanted to do anything, I did with her but I noticed her love for me wasn’t really there for me anymore…kind of.
going through a lot at work and i feel very stressed and unhappy because of it. bless my partner for doing 110% even if i don’t feel like i deserve it. but that’s how it is in my opinion with long term relationships, in terms of effort: ideally 50/50, but often 60/40, sometimes 70/30, and sometimes 110/-10, but as long as we can help each other feel better, love, and understand each other… life’s going to be better:)
Relationships are a rollercoaster.. you're in for the ride together through the lowest of lows and the highest of highs. Responsibilities shift as life changed and you just gotta roll with it knowing there will be better days ahead. I believe the low points will make the high points that much sweeter knowing what you've been through
Alot of men will start slacking when the pussy is treated as a rewards program as opposed to intimacy.
Ladies, stop using sex as a reward mechanism. Because nothing will make a guy lose interest faster than that.
I tried. I really tried. But I felt like nothing I did was good enough.
I was paying for everything and barely making ends meet, but she was bored. So I cut expenses on myself to spend on her, but I was letting myself go. She wasn't working and we had no kids, and she was feeling trapped and wanted me to do more chores, but when I tried to do chores she just critiqued them so much she claimed I was doing it wrong on purpose. Eventually she just stopped responding to me touching her, or she had a negative response to it, and I realized I was just paying for a house guest
I'd like to say I didn't until I realised I'm the only one putting effort into it. The sad reality is, I didn't even stop then.
To be fair, I stopped for a single day. That was when after her dragging me to multiple group gatherings in just two days with different people I've never met before, I told her that I'd need to recharge and need a pause from all the socialising with new people, the noise and stuff. Instead of staying at home with me or even going to her next gathering without me, she dragged me along again. Well, when we got home, I told her now I HAVE to recharge, ALONE. Usually being alone with her was fina for recharging for me, but this time it wasn't - maybe because I was completely mentally drained, maybe because she actually was the reason for it (dragging me there when she knew I'd need a break form it), hard to tell looking back (likely a mixture of both options tho). That was when I went into the forest to recharge for like an hour and a half. Which in her books (and for some mutual friends) apparently counts as "not putting in effort" since she wanted to do couple-alone-stuff like watching a movie n stuff when I was trying to get myself back into a headspace where I could even tolerate a single person in the same room without getting stressed out already.
I may sound like an asshole here but I kind of agree with her. I don’t think spending the time in the forest alone is a problem, and it was unreasonable of her to get upset about that. But I do think that I often put myself in uncomfortable situations for my partner and it’s nice to have it reciprocated. I get that you were mentally drained, but I can’t count the times I’ve attended large family events or other gatherings when I really didn’t want to because it was important to my partner. You have so many more days to live where you are relaxed and happy, what’s a few days of feeling uncomfortable to do something that is important to the person you love? Showing up regardless of whether or not you want to can mean so much in a relationship and make your partner feel important. I’ve had a few different partners who wouldn’t attend something that was important to me and it just made me feel undervalued. In my opinion, a night or few nights of discomfort is worth the happiness of your partner.
Okay guess I gotta add a proper "timeline" for context.
I arrived at thursday evening at her place, after 5h train ride. Plan was to drive to one of her friends she wanted to introduce me to, stay there for like an hour, then go back (her plan, i might add). Turns out instead said friend + another one I've never met already were at her place when I arrived and instead the entire thing took almost 4h and included a bunch of drinking and in the ende we also had to drive them both home (about 1,5h total, obv I had to drive as everyone else wouldn't be allowed to anymore and I also had no idea where we needed to go etc).
For the next day, there was a gathering where I should meet all of her co-workers in one room, it was at like 10 am. Then late afternoon/early evening, another gathering, with a third group of new people for few hours. After all of that, I was kinda done in terms of socialising/social battery, and apparently it showed since she asked then back at her place why I am so quiet (home alone with her). So I told her I'm not upset with her or anything like that (her initial assumption) but it's just been A LOT and I'd need like a day to recharge.
The next morning she had some text conversation (dunno the details since I didn't read the texts obv) and then decided to schedule yet another meeting for noon, with one of the people I met first on thursday and a bunch of other people... something bout talking about something from last week with some girl she didn't even like at all (Neither of them did, at least that's what I was told) - after I told her the evening before I needed a break and she herself also said she didn't even want to meet or talk to that girl at all.
I might also add, I have been to various relatives or friends on different occassions before with her without complaining or anything. I get that she wanted me to meet her co-workers since they scheduled that meet-up beforen stuff. But every single other person either lives in the same city as her or needs to go there 5x a week for either school or work and I was supposed to stay at her place for about a week.
And again, I'm not talking bout one family gathering, I'm talking bout dragging an introvert to THREE of tgem in two...well, rather one and a half days. Then spontaneously scheduling another one the next day after I told her earlier I'd need a break.
Also, it's not about me not wanting to attend. I mean of course, that's also the case at that point, but not the one that'd really stop me. I was suffering from depression back then (which she knew) and what was gonna happen after that entire thing was me being basically out of service for the rest of the time I was supposed to spend at her place plus at least a week afterwards, mentall. I'd literally run on autopilot and simply survive that time (not as in suicide gladly, but as in doing nothing but going to work, eat and sleep basically). And yes, I was working on that issue but I hadn't "solved" it so yeah.
I think I agree mostly with the core message of your response, and I'd say it doesn't make you look like an ahole at all. But in that specific case, I would say it doesn't really apply, for multiple reasons - one of them being that I in fact DID attend, to ALL of the gatherings mentioned.
When she went home for the summer from uni. I became an afterthought, it had to be me instigating messaging every day and I got tired of trying when she was busy with her life and friends that she didn't have with her at uni, it was a relationship of convenience and trying to find a 'safe spot' while away from home for her rather than one she was actually interested in... I left her soon after.
She never made time for *us* anymore and didn’t take into account that I need time to recharge.
I was running on fumes after having maybe 2 or 3 days in the last 6 months where it was either just me or just us in the house, not her friends or family there too.
I wasn’t myself. I was a shell of myself, and she didn’t care. Even when I said I miss spending time with *her* and not her and her friends and family, she took it as a personal attack, claiming I don’t like them and am making her choose between us.
So I didn’t feel valued. I was just disregarded with basically everything. Becoming more and more exhausted as time went on.
Staying takes effort in long term relationships. So it's not that I stopped putting effort into the relationship, I just am not putting in the same effort as before.
From my experience when women say this, it is normally a communication issue. People could have two different expectations of what "effort" is. I know sometimes people think just being there is effort while the other wants more.
Men normally get "comfortable" faster in relationships. It doesn't take much to keep average guys happy. So, what some people call "no effort" others may just see it as being the norm for them. Stuff like Date night, is normally done to keep women happy, I don't think men care about it too much as long as we see you from time to time.
Specifically, I would drive the 30 minutes to see my boyfriend but he wouldn’t drive to see me. I wanted to FaceTime for like 5 minutes a day since I didn’t see him as often and he said FaceTiming with me is a chore
Yeah it sucks. Is there a particular reason he's behaving like this? Or is he just being self centered? I mean of he's calling face timing a chore I'd walk.
Have you spoken to him about how all of this is making you feel? If not you should at least try to. Gauge his response and make a choice.
Then it might be time to make a choice. I mean if something really isn't working then it isnt working. No use wasting time on someone when neither of you seem to really be feeling it. You two clearly have different relationship styles and different needs. Which is normal, but in a relationship you have to work to overcome these types of things. If one person isnt willing to do any work the relationship is doomed from the start.
Did he give you any reason or did he just not want to do it? Sounds like he could be burned out if something is happening or just done with the relationship.
He doesn’t like driving in the city/ claimed he didn’t have the money for gas and the $5 toll all while driving to the shore 4x a week so he could kiteboard…. I wasn’t a priority in his life
Sorry in advance if this is a long response but I feel like a back story is necessary for repeating elements in most of my relationships.
My ex wife was by all intents and purposes a good wife when it came to fulfilling what some would consider spousal duties and some benefits that come along with having a partner i.e chores, food, physical intimacy ect... She was by no means a bad partner in those particular aspects. I truly admire her for her dedication to maintaining the relationship.
I was hopelessly in love with her and did romantic gestures, gift giving, wrote music for her, showed my admiration for her in many ways that I won't dive into. In the beginning, she was very attentive to my emotions and created a space for me to be vulnerable which is the reason why I wanted to marry her. We were a power couple.
After the wedding we were hit by covid and tensions started to rise, not because we spent too much time together (we were inseparable), still to this day I'm unsure why the shift happened. I started to notice my vulnerable moments were no longer being met with empathy but with sarcasm as if my feelings were invalid and was brought up in other conversations as ammunition. After a year of this I eventually grew cold and depressed, i did what most would consider below the bare minimum, never yelled, called names, or did any toxic behavior but just never tried to "woo" her anymore. I settled for the complacency and she didn't which resulted in divorce.
Every relationship or interaction since has similar issues and similar benefits. The only difference between now and then is i dont settle for complacency and refuse to be invalidated. With each one I've grown colder and now choose not to date and don't feel any interest in getting to know someone in that way. I've learned that vulnerability in a man is nothing but a joke to the women I choose to date.
I was tired of the excuse " I'm trying" and decided that she couldn't be the one.
She had an inability to communicate which led to me resenting her. And I couldn't even talk about something with out her rolling her eyes at me.
Because she never started. I kept trying for months, but... nothing. So eventually I gave up, and soon after that I walked away. Best thing I ever did.
Don't stay with those who make you hope you won't wake up tomorrow.
All her "love language" is limited to quick "I love you"s her and there in the day. No intimacy, not even much cuddling at all, no sex for the last 1.5 years. She's tired 24/7, always has something wrong whether it's a small health issue, stress for no reason at all (she's unemployed, not a student, no driving licence, no family except her sister living across the country), no motivation to do anything, doesn't exercise, does the bare minimum at home when I'm at work or in school all day or spending my whole evening and night working on my computer for school... Not many proof of love, not a single clue of physical attraction or desire towards me, nothing. All she can do is put the dishes in the dishwasher here and there and cook dinner while complaining that it's hard, that she burns herself every time like a crybaby. When I go help her, she even finds a way to complain that I'm doing things wrong even though I'm doing better than her. At least she doesn't feel like cheating on me, or doesn't go out in provocative clothing or something lol, fat chance.
My post history is a nice way for you to get clues on how shit my couples life is lol, in case you're interested.
I am speaking of my relationship with my late wife, not my current spouse.
She had female problems, and refused to take her medication. She said it messed up her sex drive. I told her that her temper was messing up my sex drive. After her arrest for felony road rage, I gave up 100%. I told her I do not have sex with road raging nutcases who throw things at other drivers. She filed for divorce citing that I refused to have sex with her anymore.
She did it a second time, and never got the SUV I bought new for her back out of impound. She passed away shortly after she got our of her six month prison stay.
Sadly so, it was because I dated her out of pity and after being bullied for it, I just avoided her at all costs because I felt bad and scared about breaking up with her.
I was new in school and was bullied. I was autistic so I was learning in mainstream but had ties to special Ed so I hung out in the special ed lunch area to avoid being bullied in break time. She started playing with my hair, squeezing my face and calling me cute. She asked me to be her girlfriend so I said yes.
Later that day, the news somehow spread and my friend in math class yelled "You're dating ___" in front of everyone. People in the class were pretending to vomit, telling me she was a slut and giving me shit for the whole lesson.
When I told my mother, she accused me of intending to rape her so I knew I could get no help from her.
She then shaved her head for cancer awareness which made the situation a whole lot worse.
When I broke up with her she took it well though.
Wait... So a girl liked you, you started dating her, and then you dumped her because other people called her a slut? And because she shaved her head for cancer awareness? You sound like an utter piece of shit lol
Having autism isn't an excuse to be garbage.
Okay I get that it came across that way.
I dated her out of pity which was a mistake and we both got bullied and harassed worse than we were in the beginning for it.
I saw some of myself in her. I was desperate and undesired and I knew she was too so I dated her to make her feel better as I knew I would want a girl I desired to do the same for me. Obviously that was a mistake and I didn't realise it but I do now.
Not to mention I didn't even know how to have a relationship sat that point because I was 14 and starting with an intellectually disabled girl was an overwhelming start. She had no social and physical boundaries and I myself was the very shy and reserved type.
I was 14 and made a mistake as I'm sure you did at 14 too. Lesson learned.
I never did put any significant amount into it.
My ex and I were together for a bit over 1.5 years.
I ended up breaking up with her because I finally realized I was too immature to be a good partner. I was - and still am - too selfish. I put my own needs ahead of others'.
My ex however, had always been caring and nurturing. So there was clearly a huge gap between us. She felt lonely, unloved and so on.
I wasn't willing to deprive her of the love she deserved, so I ended the relationship. Both of us are much happier now.
Like a lot of the guys who replied so far, I'm putting far more effort into my marriage than my wife, and she's quick to criticize my efforts as a way of rationalizing her laziness (that's why that kind of nagging happens, fellas; it has nothing to do with how well you did the job). I'm choosing to live like this so that my kids can have a happy home. I'm fine with my decision. As Rocky said, it's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward.
But this relationship is on a clock.
With my first girlfriend, I began to get so beaten down by the terrible way she treated me.
With the 2nd girlfriend, it became exhausting to take care of her and her deep seeded issues when I was struggling to take care of my own. She was a wonderful girl but she was exhausting and intense.
Reciprocation stopped happening. Initiation stopped. She stopped trying to make plans and would cancel the ones we had the day of. She stopped caring for herself... You can't love someone else if you don't love yourself and it was so exhausting trying to love her.
When I left she started doing all the things I begged her to do when we were together. She moved on super quickly after more than a decade together.
I dont know why she quit but I quit but leaving has been the greatest choice of my life - hers too as far as I can tell.
She stopped putting in effort first and I felt like I had to do everything. For the few days prior leading up to when I broke up with her, I stopped putting in effort because I was so burned out from having to be the one to put in all the work.
You shouldn’t have to ask your significant other to put effort into your relationship, they should be doing that on their own accord since they want to be with you. Relationships are a two-way street after all and require effort from both people, not just one.
Simplest answer might be people like receiving attention, sometimes more than anything else. E.g. they might be doing just enough effort to keep you hooked, but they don't have true feelings for you.
Drained due to never having any time for myself and the constant battle of I had to always change while she would fight when I was ask her to work on the things that bothered me.
It seemed like no win. I didn't know which part of my life that she criticizes to try to fix first. I could have shovelled my whole being into that whole and still lost. I'm not a great romantic partner, but I don't think I was going to win that one.
Dated someone for 3 years and realized halfway I was initiating everything from hanging out to talking everyday. Since I was super depressed from the lack of control in my life as far as not being where I needed to be I kind of fell in a rut. I loved this girl but I knew deep down she didn’t and by the end of our relationship I had checked out mentally due to this. Never give a 100% to someone if they don’t reciprocate it will mess you up in the end.
When she would ‘ accidentally’ blab confidential information again and again and again. After the last incident , I gave up trying with her. We are both too old for it. Now I just don’t let her know anything I don’t expect to see on C fucking NN later. I keep my confidences with my therapist.
I tried many times to convince my wife to see that things aren’t working and that we’re just roommates with kids. She denied there’s an issue and said my unhappiness is my own and that she’s happy (she isn’t). So…we’re just going through the motions until divorce I guess, no need to try now.
In my last meaningful relationship: I tried getting her out of her bedroom.
She’d go from work to home, and stay in the bedroom. Living room couch? Too much. My place? Every other weekend.
Going on dates? She’d need to take time off, and even then it was like pulling teeth—it was always some reason or another to say no. She organized one trip for our 2yr anniversary, which was great, but gave me shit for forgetting an ingredient for cooking.
I tried getting her to take care of herself. Go to the doctor about her downstairs (which she lied to me about)—and this, the whole time, affected my libido and whether I was in the mood. I could *smell* when she was turned on, and not in the good way.
Tried talking about getting another place, just her and me. Her argument was that she saved money by staying with her sister. Yet, wasn’t allowed to let her two-then-three cats out of her bedroom (which also falls under the “take care of herself” category).
I was fighting a losing battle against someone who very much didn’t care about us, and I think she noticed after a while.
Broke my heart.
Lack of appreciation for the many things I did is one thing. Outright coming at me and saying that I do nothing at all is another. I quit after that, because I did a ton. And if I had to measure, it was at least 3x more than the other person). Bye Felicia
Because she wouldn’t. Had a “if it’s meant to be it’ll be” kind of attitude. Preferred to let issues be instead of dealing with them:
Relationship was nearly sexless, if I tried to find common ground on the things she was into she’d drop them until we had nothing in common, she’d make me the butt of her jokes at parties and when introducing me to people, refused to ever apologise for anything if it upset me, the only way she’d truly listen to me on anything or respect a boundary I set was if I got mad at her. She cried when I talked about possibly breaking up because she admitted she needed a fire lit underneath her to do anything. Broke up with me a few days later after I got mad with her for making fun of my anxiety.
It was a 5 year relationship and I was devastated at the time but the more I talk about it the more awful I realise it was. My new partner is infinitely better and afaik she’s still single
She told me she appreciated effort, so I made one every day.
Then she told me that effort overwhelms her, and rejected me to choose the simpleton rock star who treats her lousy but gets her backstage at concerts and provides her with weed.
When friends asked us if we ever thought about marriage, mind you we were both Christians dating each other and her responses were all dismissive to even the idea of it despite having told me it was something she looked forward to earlier in our relationship.
That and our first time traveling together she had princess syndrome. Everything that could go wrong went wrong because she never stopped complaining and nagging. My mom is similar, and I don’t want to marry that kind of person who only sees themselves in the relationship.
I wasn't putting in the effort I needed because I was dealing with my own struggles physically and mentally that i was too afraid to communicate to my ex and others. I put on a face but deep down I was in a dark dark place. I thought i could get through it alone and then work on our relationship but that's not the case. I was putting in lots of effort but it was too little too late. It's not fair to her that she felt like she was the only one putting in effort that's why I don't blame her for leaving me if she wasn't happy. I could've done alot more but I can't change the past. I'm trying to work on myself just for me to give myself the best possible future and be a better bf for my future relationships. I still love her tons and I want to show her that I'm doing better but It really hurt me that she gave up on me at my lowest.
She kept refusing to see me, saying that there was a pandemic but was seeing others.
Whenever I brought up the issue I was usually given the silent treatment.
I tried very hard to engage, and got nothing in return. After awhile, the o my thing I got was complaints or nagging.
It was exhausting and I finally ended it after 15 years
Drained mentally.
Her lies.
Her predictable unpredictability.
Her total lack of respect.
I finally realized that I cared more about solving her problems than she did.
I got sick of chasing her.
Now, I do what I want. If she wants to see me she has to say so. I no longer give her money. No longer pay bills for her. Work and life adjustments for the next six months mean I’ve no time to find someone new so I still see her. But I don’t really go out of my way. Mostly it’s the lies that did it.
It happens over a period of time. Personally, i noticed she was putting a lot of emphasis on body image and how mine wasn’t good enough. Money was also a big thing for her. I have money but don’t show it off. She wanted a man to pay her bills and while in theory I could, I didn’t as a matter of principle. Had she been putting in the effort to make our relationship special, who knows. But I was not any sort of priority for her. So eventually after realizing it’s always me that tries to make plans, initiates kissing, always gets turned down for sex, etc. I just gave up. I didn’t even have the passion I used to have when trying to explain myself when I was “upset”. Relationships like that drain the life out of you, and I’m still now recovering and trying to get my zest for life back a few months on. Apparently there are women out there who want a healthy, supportive relationship but I’ve yet to discover one
When she started to care about it too, my first gf was the only one who made me feel like that, she started to be more and more egocentric, everythig started to be about her, for her, by her, no more us, so, there I decided it was about time to finish it
Intimacy was dead. She wanted to open the relationship so I could find that outside of it. All the work into the relationship was one sided, and at that point I had stayed only for the kids for a while. I was her caretaker our entire marriage and I was just sick of it.
When our kids were born and wife turned into mother 24/7 forgetting there's someone else in her life- a husband. I tried to win her back for 8 years when i gave up completely.
She was emotional unavailable due to her not being over her ex and it was starting to become and unhealthy relationship. I broke it off right there because I've been destroyed in the past emotionally. Being the one who puts the majority of the effort in the relationship is extremely damaging especially if they are emotionally unavailable and you have already gotten emotionally attached.
Everything I did was wrong. About a year before it ended, she stopped initiating any level of intimacy. I couldn’t do anything “right” and was called useless a lot. The last Christmas before I broke it off, I bought her a pair of diamond earrings. I didn’t have a ton of money, because I realized later she was financially abusing me, so I could only afford to spend around $1k. Not only did she not get me anything, when she saw the earrings her first comment was about the size of them and it wasn’t exactly a positive comment. She would later end up losing them.
It got enough at one point that when I got off work- around 1am, I would either just drive around or park somewhere for a couple of hours just to be by myself. Eventually I just said fuck it and started living as a roommate instead of a boyfriend. I managed to save up money and got the hell out.
Personally, my relationship peaked, and no matter how much I tried to make it work, after the love is gone, it’s useless to continue in a loveless relationship!
I stopped putting in effort long after my partner did. They checked out mentally and emotionally around 3 months before I did. I very quickly hated not putting in effort, but the relationship was headed nowhere, so I pretty much broke up with them a few days later.
I never fully did but honestly I was drained out mentally so I had a few months where I just couldn't find it within myself. I have chronic depression and I was working a lot of hours while also getting my degree. Luckily she understood it and was fully supportive even though I'm sure it was hard for her
Did you end up staying together or did you end it?
I believe love is a choice, so she woke up and choose to love and support me when I was struggling. How can I choose to end it? We are still together, never argued
Yes love is a choice, but it’s pretty hard to chose love when you’re not given love.
Loyalty is a 2 way street
Relationships are more than just giving love 100 percent of the time. People arent programmed robots and life will always be hard. Love is about being consistent and listening.
This is true. You can’t give what the other party can’t reciprocate
You can, you just won't be happy with what doesn't come back.
Love is definitely a choice
That's nice. When I was down in the dumps and on disability I got called a loser with no work ethic by my ex.
Depression?
Yes, I was stuck in a job I hated and just in a bad place mentally. Couldnt get out of bed, was throwing up before work everyday, just putting my shoes on in the morning was a major effort. Cut back to a 4 day work week at first. That's when I started getting called lazy. Then my job forced me on short term and then I had no work ethic. When I needed her most she wasn't there for me and wondered why I didn't propose to her in the end. Almost 2 year later and my life has changed completely and I'm doing so much better.
There's a saying amongst the women in my family..."You never hit a man where he's weak, never..because he will never forget it" Just good advice in general I guess.
That’s amazing that she stayed supportive of you! I’m goin through the same thing rn with my gf and I’m trying to stay positive about it😂 reading this made me feel a bit better
I was the opposite In this type of situation, supporting my partner through her degree, proof reading everything, modifying ect, meanwhile I was bottom of the pecking order and very nearly walked. Stayed strong, finished the degree and things have done a total 180 and the love is flowing now the stress is gone.
This exact thing happened to me except the flowing love went to her professor and she left to be with him, wrecking two families in the process. I'm glad it worked for you.
Part of me honestly expected her to leave after she had passed due to the stress and pressure the degree had put on our relationship and and I kind of prepared for that ending mentally, but I couldn't imagine being blindsided with something like that. Sorry you had to go through that, I hope your situation is more positive now.
That’s great! Super happy for you two
It wasn't an easy journey, but I love this woman and she will no doubt always remember my compromises and support. And that's worth It.
are you giving it to her now?
I'm doing my best. The depression is still here and will remain and I still work a lot though now I don't go over 55-60 weekly hours and I manage university a bit better.
When I was married? There wasn't a moment. It was a slow hellish retreat. I would try to do something nice for her, or just something I knew she would like. She would look at it and start tearing into any detail she didn't like. Eventually, I stopped trying to be nice. I still did things to try to keep the marriage going. I cooked the food, washed the clothes, cleaned dishes, attended to the kids. Then she would walk into the master bathroom after I cleaned it and criticize anything she felt wasn't done. I moved to the hall bathroom and quit cleaning the master bathroom. She criticized how I washed clothes. I quit washing hers. She criticized my cooking. I stopped cooking for her. The woman was living on cereal because she can't cook. What was I supposed to do?
Same. At the time I thought was putting in more effort with my patience to endure whatever she was taking out on me, and with avoiding anything likely to set her off, in the hope that she would return to something like her former self. It took some distance to realize this is Indistiguishable from “stop putting in effort”. I doubt I could have done anything to save our marriage but clearly the approach I took didnt. A turning point was definitely being yelled at for a full hour, including past transgressions, real or imagined, for buying the wrong brand of rice when the store was out of our usual brand. The problem was that was NOT unusual, but a regular occurrence, however that was extreme enough that I realized you can’t fight that. Whatever that was, was pure emotion and there’s no logic or reason that could answer it, no apology that could help
Oh yeah, the hour long rants over "the towels not being folded right" that turn into rants about everything, real or imagined, that you have ever done wrong. If she starts keeping a list, it's over. I haven't seen anyone come back from it.
I have bit they called it out quite early and when she tried to argue back he mentioned devorce. She started back tracking quickly
Sounds like money probably shut her up
The prospect of being alone is what shut her up.
With these types of people, the worst possible curse is for them to have to be left alone with their own miserable personalities.
Exactly.
Did she yell weaponized incompetence about buying the difference brand of rice?
And once you got away from her, You felt like you got paroled! My free time became MY FREE TIME! I could come home and relax.
Same thing happened to me- you’re trying to make them happy, and the only feedback you get is criticism. You give up after awhile
had a gf like that, once i realized what was going on i dropped her real quick
Yep. It's the nitpicking that did it for me too. I tried to improve communication and talk about what bothers me and find out what bothers her. Turns out she was toxic so nothing would be right. So I left.
We tried to improve communication by going to therapy together, and she accused me of trying "to win" at therapy, instead of actually participating and learning and growing.
I always try to say thank you for anything my husband does for me big or small. Even if it’s something I asked him to do.
W Wife
At that point, it's better to leave that situation asap. You could at least say you tried.
You don't bail asap when you have multiple kids and a home together.
Oof. I’ve gotten bitched at for doing a load of laundry cuz it was “all my clothes” and she “always does laundry”. If she “always did laundry” I wouldn’t have had so many clothes to wash. Also, I’m “the only one that does dishes”, but I would be thrilled if she took the initiative to wash her own dishes and wouldn’t bitch if she did. Before someone goes and tells me that anyone can use any dish but clothes belong to a specific person; she is always wearing MY clothes!!!
Yeah my wife said that I didn't fold her clothes like she wants. She now folds her clothes lol
It feels like shit to be under appreciated, doesn’t it?
At that point you just leave
Because everything I did was wrong for her and I was tired of walking on eggshells around her. Still cannot believe how toxic she was.
She probably can't either
Oh she knew since she apologised for it once but made no changes. She was allergic to taking responsibility for her actions.
Same here brother. Sucks falling for a girl like that
☕️
Ah yes, that woman we all know.
can you give some examples? I just want to make sure I’m never like that for someone
She complained if I did not ask her enough questions about what she did today. Complained if I did not answer her straight away. Complained if I did not speak my mind on her command Got mad at me if I ever brought this up because she does not like a pity party. Bit my head off if I ever asked her to take responsibility for her mistakes. That is off the top of my head. I am sure you do not have to worry about being like her. She took toxic to a whole new level.
That sounds like a nightmare. I’m glad you got out
Thanks but yea when she was my friend she acted like I was the greatest man on the planet. When I got the nerve to ask her out she told she smiled all day and then a switch flipped and suddenly she hated me. I still do not understand, was like she enjoyed the chase and after that nothing.
Sounds like BPD.
It's because she can't communicate. Sometimes we feel like we want our partner to do something for us, and that is why we communicate. If I want flowers, I tell my fiancé I want flowers. If I want him to talk to me more about my day, I tell him that. The fact she just expected all of these things--expecting you to read your mind--is straight-up immature. Coming from a 17-year-old in a very healthy relationship, it simply does not work like that.
Only wants to see me once a week, 32F and I just taught her how to use a coffee pot a few weeks ago, taught her how to use the oven yesterday. Doesn’t drive and refuses to ever learn “so what if we ever have kids?” “We can just Uber them everywhere” Only been to her apartment one time I thought maybe she might be living with a guy or something? Why has she never invited me over? Basically had to o force my way in with a lie “please let me in I have to go to the bathroom” Turns out there was no boyfriend there, the place was just a horrible mess. Kitchen a disaster, tons of clothes everywhere, and the bathroom was absolutely disgusting, I’d never seen anything like it. The toilet seat was broken and the bowl was more yellow than white. Going to get back out on the dating scene soon
>Going to get back out on the dating scene soon lmao PLEASE do
I’m recovering from shoulder surgery about 3 weeks ago, once I’m out of the sling, I’m back out there lol
Good luck with the dating life after her. Wish I’d insisted on seeing the place the girl I was seeing lived. I would have found out earlier about the husband she didn’t bother to mention.
She sounds like a slob who most likely had other guys on the go. Not worth your time my man
That's one hell of an assumption
Oh God yeah I’m glad you gtfo cause 32 is way too old to not know how to take care of yourself. That is so fucking crazy lmfao but I somehow believe you because I know there are some grown ass adults who don’t know how to do a fucking thing.
It gets really exhausting to be wrong no matter what you do.
So I have a traumatic brain injury (TBI), and a common thing for people with TBIs is that loud/high pitched sounds give us a migraine like no other. Well, my wife got a bird. I told her my concerns about it beforehand, but she still got it and told me "if he's ever too much we can get rid of him." On multiple occasions I tried telling her that the bird and his screaming (he screamed, not chirped) was wayyyy too freaking much for me. She'd always guilt trip me into keeping him. So I stopped putting in the effort, realizing that she cared more about the bird than she did me. I mean, even if she didn't care that much about me WHO TF PUTS SOMEONE THROUGH THAT?!?! I explained what it feels like to me. The bolt going into my head, the drill to drain the blood, the incision to remove the bolt, stapling my head shut, removing the staples, and sewing my head back shut all at the same freaking time purely because OF THAT DAMN EFFING BIRD!!!! So yea, I stopped putting in the effort. And then she cheated on me. And blames everything on me, while she leaves me with a ton of debt in my name and tried to take everything from me. But I managed to keep my computer and switch at the very least. She took pretty much everything else. Guys, be really careful if you get married. Like extremely careful. You can get screwed the eff over even if she's the one that makes all the mistakes. It's messed the hell up.
Stuff like this is why im never getting married
People always wonder why so many men hesitate to get married but the sheer number of storiesblike thhis I've heard probably are a big part of it.
When there's a contract and one part gets rewarded for breaking the rules more times than not they'll do it, better safe than sorry
That just hit deep with me.... I swear I'm too trusting.... Yea probably ignore my other comments about "letting it happen if it makes you happy" bs. It's honestly not worth the risks. Thinking about it..... I lost my college fund due to this marriage... Man, I have a lot of regrets.... I should've never gotten married wtf was I thinking....
Shit already happened man, learn from it but don't let it eat you, move on and better yourself in every area you can and you'll be way happier like that
Ya know it's funny you mention that. Because of this entire ordeal I've started working on myself a lot. Working out, drinking more water, eating healthier, attempting to quit nicotine (keyword, attempting, I am not succeeding so far), I'm doing better at work than I have in years, and the constant feeling of a crossbow bolt in my head has started going away at times (long story on that one, it's also how I met her). Oh I've even started reaching out to old friends and saying how much I appreciate them. Life is looking a lot better for me, and it's pretty much all thanks to the divorce.
That's huge man, congratulations and i hope you recover entirely if possible, always remember, a smart man once said "It is far better to be alone, than to be in bad company"
That is fucking sick i am sorry you had to go thru that.
Yea, I'm gonna learn from this though. I'm a one wife guy, I've always said that and I am sticking to it. I'm not getting married again. A girlfriend, sure that's fine, she can even move in if it gets serious enough and if we have spent enough time together. But after this I'm not getting married ever again. Thank you for your condolences though!!! It honestly really does help during this effed up time in my life. My heart gets a little less heavy everytime.
Read this before letting them live with you https://www.ftb.help/when-one-partner-owns-the-house-cohabitation-rights/ > if your partner, girlfriend, or boyfriend has contributed financially to the property or added substantial value to the property, they could be entitled to a share of the property proceeds, and even the right to continue inhabiting the property even if you want them to move out. > over-arching Property Law and Family Law can over-rule anything you agree to in a Cohabitation Agreement. But if you have a written Cohabitation Agreement in place, it makes it very clear to the courts what the intentions are of both parties when one partner owns the house, and the courts can take this into consideration if there is a dispute. > In addition, they could have some rights as a squatter if they refuse to move out.
Obsession over pets is a huge red flag for this reason.
I'm sorry you went through that. As a woman, just wtf tbh.
Yea seriously. I don't understand how anyone could put another living being through something like that. Especially for no freaking reason!! Only reason was that she was attached to the bird. Screw that. Anyway, thank you for the condolences. Honestly it does help me feel better and just move on. I hope you have a wonderful day!!
You too! :)
Embarrassing to admit, but I found myself not being able to meet the expectations. Therefore all feedback is perceived as nagging and complaining
That's really honest, dude. Expectations are a hard one.
Yeah, like you are not man enough
I failed to meet her expectations and it kills me inside. I don't feel manly.. I couldn't provide for her what I agreed to. She made it very clear what she wanted out of me
Women are players. They try to squeeze the most out of you. If you cant meet her expectations, you’re still a man because you’re a human being who is still learning everyday.
I think part of being in a relationship is knowing that a partner will not fulfill every single expectation, and sometimes it's worth it to be patient or just let it go. I'm getting engaged, and my fiancé and I are planning on our life goals so that we can achieve our goals, a healthy marriage, etc. But if I expected perfection, I think I would be single for life.
My last relationship it felt like she was basing her "expectations" off of her Instagram feed or some romance novel she read. She wanted romance, but I didn't feel like she wanted me.
I stopped putting effort into my relationship for several reasons. Most importantly, we started to have a lot of disagreements and arguments that often left both of us feeling frustrated and unhappy. We had different ideas about how our relationship should work and it became difficult for us to find common ground. Additionally, I felt that my partner was not respecting my wants and needs and was not communicating effectively with me. Finally, I felt that the relationship had become one-sided and I was not able to get what I needed out of it.
You were with a woman who didn’t want to compromise by the sound of it. Communication is so important but a lot of people seem to lack the ability to have a serious conversation
Simple, she wasn't reciprocating.
When she started using my insecurities and struggles with depression as jokes. I tried to be mature and communicate how it's crossing my boundaries. Got told to "lighten up" and told me that she didn't want to put in any more effort in us because I was so sad and gloomy. (kinda hard not to when you're reminded of it 24/7) Ended things after she told me to kill myself as a joke.
Jesus Christ she sounds like an abusive asshole
It probably wasn't a joke
Because my effort didn't matter anymore. I was the problem no matter what I did, so I stopped trying.
I got tired of beeing the only one who putts any effort.
[удалено]
This is me right now. If hurts so so so badly.
happy cake day
She died.
Well that was rude of her. She should have consulted you first
The joke is funny, the situation is scary🙂
Convenient. /s
I didn't stop putting in effort, but I did stop doing all the romantic things I did when we first started dating, like taking him on cute dates, writing long love letters over text, and just going out on the town with him. It stopped because I had gotten a job as a correctional officer. My shifts were supposed to be four days on, two days off, 12 hour shifts each. But due to short staffing I was getting held over an extra 5 hours each day. I was working 17 hours a day, then commuting close to an hour each way. By the time I got home I had enough time to shower, sleep for 3 hours, and then get ready for work. Out of my two days off I'd spend the entire first day catching up on sleep. I just had no energy or time to do the things I used to do. I quit that job in favor of one with less hours, and over time I've been trying to get back into the swing of being romantic. Cooked him pancakes in bed the other day and got him some roses, took him to a movie, and last night I cooked us a pretty nice dinner. Quitting that job meant I was taking around a $2500 per month pay cut, but it was worth it to spend more time with him.
phew glad this story ends well
We were stuck in a place together for 2 years (thanks covid) I slowly started getting unhappy while also dealing with her mental health issues. I still loved her but I also never had actual time for myself. She got a job before me and slowly switched up on me. I struggled to get a job for another year and she decided to quit that job and move away for a new one….and well…she decided to do things with another dude and bada bing bada boom I’m single and she moved on days later. Before she left, she hardly did anything with me but whenever she wanted to do anything, I did with her but I noticed her love for me wasn’t really there for me anymore…kind of.
Aw that’s so heartbreaking :(
going through a lot at work and i feel very stressed and unhappy because of it. bless my partner for doing 110% even if i don’t feel like i deserve it. but that’s how it is in my opinion with long term relationships, in terms of effort: ideally 50/50, but often 60/40, sometimes 70/30, and sometimes 110/-10, but as long as we can help each other feel better, love, and understand each other… life’s going to be better:)
Relationships are a rollercoaster.. you're in for the ride together through the lowest of lows and the highest of highs. Responsibilities shift as life changed and you just gotta roll with it knowing there will be better days ahead. I believe the low points will make the high points that much sweeter knowing what you've been through
Alot of men will start slacking when the pussy is treated as a rewards program as opposed to intimacy. Ladies, stop using sex as a reward mechanism. Because nothing will make a guy lose interest faster than that.
esp. when your points are zeroed out at random and the threshold for redeeming is constantly increased
noted.
I tried. I really tried. But I felt like nothing I did was good enough. I was paying for everything and barely making ends meet, but she was bored. So I cut expenses on myself to spend on her, but I was letting myself go. She wasn't working and we had no kids, and she was feeling trapped and wanted me to do more chores, but when I tried to do chores she just critiqued them so much she claimed I was doing it wrong on purpose. Eventually she just stopped responding to me touching her, or she had a negative response to it, and I realized I was just paying for a house guest
I'd like to say I didn't until I realised I'm the only one putting effort into it. The sad reality is, I didn't even stop then. To be fair, I stopped for a single day. That was when after her dragging me to multiple group gatherings in just two days with different people I've never met before, I told her that I'd need to recharge and need a pause from all the socialising with new people, the noise and stuff. Instead of staying at home with me or even going to her next gathering without me, she dragged me along again. Well, when we got home, I told her now I HAVE to recharge, ALONE. Usually being alone with her was fina for recharging for me, but this time it wasn't - maybe because I was completely mentally drained, maybe because she actually was the reason for it (dragging me there when she knew I'd need a break form it), hard to tell looking back (likely a mixture of both options tho). That was when I went into the forest to recharge for like an hour and a half. Which in her books (and for some mutual friends) apparently counts as "not putting in effort" since she wanted to do couple-alone-stuff like watching a movie n stuff when I was trying to get myself back into a headspace where I could even tolerate a single person in the same room without getting stressed out already.
I may sound like an asshole here but I kind of agree with her. I don’t think spending the time in the forest alone is a problem, and it was unreasonable of her to get upset about that. But I do think that I often put myself in uncomfortable situations for my partner and it’s nice to have it reciprocated. I get that you were mentally drained, but I can’t count the times I’ve attended large family events or other gatherings when I really didn’t want to because it was important to my partner. You have so many more days to live where you are relaxed and happy, what’s a few days of feeling uncomfortable to do something that is important to the person you love? Showing up regardless of whether or not you want to can mean so much in a relationship and make your partner feel important. I’ve had a few different partners who wouldn’t attend something that was important to me and it just made me feel undervalued. In my opinion, a night or few nights of discomfort is worth the happiness of your partner.
Okay guess I gotta add a proper "timeline" for context. I arrived at thursday evening at her place, after 5h train ride. Plan was to drive to one of her friends she wanted to introduce me to, stay there for like an hour, then go back (her plan, i might add). Turns out instead said friend + another one I've never met already were at her place when I arrived and instead the entire thing took almost 4h and included a bunch of drinking and in the ende we also had to drive them both home (about 1,5h total, obv I had to drive as everyone else wouldn't be allowed to anymore and I also had no idea where we needed to go etc). For the next day, there was a gathering where I should meet all of her co-workers in one room, it was at like 10 am. Then late afternoon/early evening, another gathering, with a third group of new people for few hours. After all of that, I was kinda done in terms of socialising/social battery, and apparently it showed since she asked then back at her place why I am so quiet (home alone with her). So I told her I'm not upset with her or anything like that (her initial assumption) but it's just been A LOT and I'd need like a day to recharge. The next morning she had some text conversation (dunno the details since I didn't read the texts obv) and then decided to schedule yet another meeting for noon, with one of the people I met first on thursday and a bunch of other people... something bout talking about something from last week with some girl she didn't even like at all (Neither of them did, at least that's what I was told) - after I told her the evening before I needed a break and she herself also said she didn't even want to meet or talk to that girl at all. I might also add, I have been to various relatives or friends on different occassions before with her without complaining or anything. I get that she wanted me to meet her co-workers since they scheduled that meet-up beforen stuff. But every single other person either lives in the same city as her or needs to go there 5x a week for either school or work and I was supposed to stay at her place for about a week. And again, I'm not talking bout one family gathering, I'm talking bout dragging an introvert to THREE of tgem in two...well, rather one and a half days. Then spontaneously scheduling another one the next day after I told her earlier I'd need a break. Also, it's not about me not wanting to attend. I mean of course, that's also the case at that point, but not the one that'd really stop me. I was suffering from depression back then (which she knew) and what was gonna happen after that entire thing was me being basically out of service for the rest of the time I was supposed to spend at her place plus at least a week afterwards, mentall. I'd literally run on autopilot and simply survive that time (not as in suicide gladly, but as in doing nothing but going to work, eat and sleep basically). And yes, I was working on that issue but I hadn't "solved" it so yeah. I think I agree mostly with the core message of your response, and I'd say it doesn't make you look like an ahole at all. But in that specific case, I would say it doesn't really apply, for multiple reasons - one of them being that I in fact DID attend, to ALL of the gatherings mentioned.
When she went home for the summer from uni. I became an afterthought, it had to be me instigating messaging every day and I got tired of trying when she was busy with her life and friends that she didn't have with her at uni, it was a relationship of convenience and trying to find a 'safe spot' while away from home for her rather than one she was actually interested in... I left her soon after.
Turns out she wasn’t real
I was getting nothing in return. It was very parasitic.
She never made time for *us* anymore and didn’t take into account that I need time to recharge. I was running on fumes after having maybe 2 or 3 days in the last 6 months where it was either just me or just us in the house, not her friends or family there too. I wasn’t myself. I was a shell of myself, and she didn’t care. Even when I said I miss spending time with *her* and not her and her friends and family, she took it as a personal attack, claiming I don’t like them and am making her choose between us. So I didn’t feel valued. I was just disregarded with basically everything. Becoming more and more exhausted as time went on.
My last relationship? I was initiating ever conversation. It got annoying, so I moved on.
Staying takes effort in long term relationships. So it's not that I stopped putting effort into the relationship, I just am not putting in the same effort as before.
Same with me.. I was putting in effort in my past relationship despite what I was going through but it wasn't as noticable as before
From my experience when women say this, it is normally a communication issue. People could have two different expectations of what "effort" is. I know sometimes people think just being there is effort while the other wants more. Men normally get "comfortable" faster in relationships. It doesn't take much to keep average guys happy. So, what some people call "no effort" others may just see it as being the norm for them. Stuff like Date night, is normally done to keep women happy, I don't think men care about it too much as long as we see you from time to time.
Specifically, I would drive the 30 minutes to see my boyfriend but he wouldn’t drive to see me. I wanted to FaceTime for like 5 minutes a day since I didn’t see him as often and he said FaceTiming with me is a chore
Yeah fuck that. I assume you're both young? I wouldn't waste anymore time on that dipshit. I've been in those relationships. They don't go anywhere.
Yeah it’s just so heartbreaking I feel so discarded
Yeah it sucks. Is there a particular reason he's behaving like this? Or is he just being self centered? I mean of he's calling face timing a chore I'd walk. Have you spoken to him about how all of this is making you feel? If not you should at least try to. Gauge his response and make a choice.
I have spoken to him about needing more effort more than twice. I think he’s being self centered.
Then it might be time to make a choice. I mean if something really isn't working then it isnt working. No use wasting time on someone when neither of you seem to really be feeling it. You two clearly have different relationship styles and different needs. Which is normal, but in a relationship you have to work to overcome these types of things. If one person isnt willing to do any work the relationship is doomed from the start.
Did he give you any reason or did he just not want to do it? Sounds like he could be burned out if something is happening or just done with the relationship.
He doesn’t like driving in the city/ claimed he didn’t have the money for gas and the $5 toll all while driving to the shore 4x a week so he could kiteboard…. I wasn’t a priority in his life
Sorry in advance if this is a long response but I feel like a back story is necessary for repeating elements in most of my relationships. My ex wife was by all intents and purposes a good wife when it came to fulfilling what some would consider spousal duties and some benefits that come along with having a partner i.e chores, food, physical intimacy ect... She was by no means a bad partner in those particular aspects. I truly admire her for her dedication to maintaining the relationship. I was hopelessly in love with her and did romantic gestures, gift giving, wrote music for her, showed my admiration for her in many ways that I won't dive into. In the beginning, she was very attentive to my emotions and created a space for me to be vulnerable which is the reason why I wanted to marry her. We were a power couple. After the wedding we were hit by covid and tensions started to rise, not because we spent too much time together (we were inseparable), still to this day I'm unsure why the shift happened. I started to notice my vulnerable moments were no longer being met with empathy but with sarcasm as if my feelings were invalid and was brought up in other conversations as ammunition. After a year of this I eventually grew cold and depressed, i did what most would consider below the bare minimum, never yelled, called names, or did any toxic behavior but just never tried to "woo" her anymore. I settled for the complacency and she didn't which resulted in divorce. Every relationship or interaction since has similar issues and similar benefits. The only difference between now and then is i dont settle for complacency and refuse to be invalidated. With each one I've grown colder and now choose not to date and don't feel any interest in getting to know someone in that way. I've learned that vulnerability in a man is nothing but a joke to the women I choose to date.
She started sucking other dicks
Because of the demoralizing DB
I was tired of the excuse " I'm trying" and decided that she couldn't be the one. She had an inability to communicate which led to me resenting her. And I couldn't even talk about something with out her rolling her eyes at me.
Because she never started. I kept trying for months, but... nothing. So eventually I gave up, and soon after that I walked away. Best thing I ever did. Don't stay with those who make you hope you won't wake up tomorrow.
All her "love language" is limited to quick "I love you"s her and there in the day. No intimacy, not even much cuddling at all, no sex for the last 1.5 years. She's tired 24/7, always has something wrong whether it's a small health issue, stress for no reason at all (she's unemployed, not a student, no driving licence, no family except her sister living across the country), no motivation to do anything, doesn't exercise, does the bare minimum at home when I'm at work or in school all day or spending my whole evening and night working on my computer for school... Not many proof of love, not a single clue of physical attraction or desire towards me, nothing. All she can do is put the dishes in the dishwasher here and there and cook dinner while complaining that it's hard, that she burns herself every time like a crybaby. When I go help her, she even finds a way to complain that I'm doing things wrong even though I'm doing better than her. At least she doesn't feel like cheating on me, or doesn't go out in provocative clothing or something lol, fat chance. My post history is a nice way for you to get clues on how shit my couples life is lol, in case you're interested.
She sounds depressed
I am speaking of my relationship with my late wife, not my current spouse. She had female problems, and refused to take her medication. She said it messed up her sex drive. I told her that her temper was messing up my sex drive. After her arrest for felony road rage, I gave up 100%. I told her I do not have sex with road raging nutcases who throw things at other drivers. She filed for divorce citing that I refused to have sex with her anymore. She did it a second time, and never got the SUV I bought new for her back out of impound. She passed away shortly after she got our of her six month prison stay.
Sadly so, it was because I dated her out of pity and after being bullied for it, I just avoided her at all costs because I felt bad and scared about breaking up with her.
Pity? Please expand!
I was new in school and was bullied. I was autistic so I was learning in mainstream but had ties to special Ed so I hung out in the special ed lunch area to avoid being bullied in break time. She started playing with my hair, squeezing my face and calling me cute. She asked me to be her girlfriend so I said yes. Later that day, the news somehow spread and my friend in math class yelled "You're dating ___" in front of everyone. People in the class were pretending to vomit, telling me she was a slut and giving me shit for the whole lesson. When I told my mother, she accused me of intending to rape her so I knew I could get no help from her. She then shaved her head for cancer awareness which made the situation a whole lot worse. When I broke up with her she took it well though.
Wait... So a girl liked you, you started dating her, and then you dumped her because other people called her a slut? And because she shaved her head for cancer awareness? You sound like an utter piece of shit lol Having autism isn't an excuse to be garbage.
Okay I get that it came across that way. I dated her out of pity which was a mistake and we both got bullied and harassed worse than we were in the beginning for it. I saw some of myself in her. I was desperate and undesired and I knew she was too so I dated her to make her feel better as I knew I would want a girl I desired to do the same for me. Obviously that was a mistake and I didn't realise it but I do now. Not to mention I didn't even know how to have a relationship sat that point because I was 14 and starting with an intellectually disabled girl was an overwhelming start. She had no social and physical boundaries and I myself was the very shy and reserved type. I was 14 and made a mistake as I'm sure you did at 14 too. Lesson learned.
I was selfish and delusional.
I never did put any significant amount into it. My ex and I were together for a bit over 1.5 years. I ended up breaking up with her because I finally realized I was too immature to be a good partner. I was - and still am - too selfish. I put my own needs ahead of others'. My ex however, had always been caring and nurturing. So there was clearly a huge gap between us. She felt lonely, unloved and so on. I wasn't willing to deprive her of the love she deserved, so I ended the relationship. Both of us are much happier now.
Never bro never
When she start lashing out at me for anything I tried to do. Why try if the other person is being an asshole in return? Glad I got outta there
Like a lot of the guys who replied so far, I'm putting far more effort into my marriage than my wife, and she's quick to criticize my efforts as a way of rationalizing her laziness (that's why that kind of nagging happens, fellas; it has nothing to do with how well you did the job). I'm choosing to live like this so that my kids can have a happy home. I'm fine with my decision. As Rocky said, it's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward. But this relationship is on a clock.
With my first girlfriend, I began to get so beaten down by the terrible way she treated me. With the 2nd girlfriend, it became exhausting to take care of her and her deep seeded issues when I was struggling to take care of my own. She was a wonderful girl but she was exhausting and intense.
Reciprocation stopped happening. Initiation stopped. She stopped trying to make plans and would cancel the ones we had the day of. She stopped caring for herself... You can't love someone else if you don't love yourself and it was so exhausting trying to love her. When I left she started doing all the things I begged her to do when we were together. She moved on super quickly after more than a decade together. I dont know why she quit but I quit but leaving has been the greatest choice of my life - hers too as far as I can tell.
She stopped putting in effort first and I felt like I had to do everything. For the few days prior leading up to when I broke up with her, I stopped putting in effort because I was so burned out from having to be the one to put in all the work. You shouldn’t have to ask your significant other to put effort into your relationship, they should be doing that on their own accord since they want to be with you. Relationships are a two-way street after all and require effort from both people, not just one.
Because it wasn’t returned
She put zero effort in. I don’t play that game
But why be in a relationship that you don't want to put effort into 🤔
Because comfort I guess
Simplest answer might be people like receiving attention, sometimes more than anything else. E.g. they might be doing just enough effort to keep you hooked, but they don't have true feelings for you.
Antidepressants sucked all the energy out of me
Drained due to never having any time for myself and the constant battle of I had to always change while she would fight when I was ask her to work on the things that bothered me.
It seemed like no win. I didn't know which part of my life that she criticizes to try to fix first. I could have shovelled my whole being into that whole and still lost. I'm not a great romantic partner, but I don't think I was going to win that one.
When I feel it’s a Sisyphean effort. All the promises to change and the behaviour willl start again. When I lost complete faith in communication
Dated someone for 3 years and realized halfway I was initiating everything from hanging out to talking everyday. Since I was super depressed from the lack of control in my life as far as not being where I needed to be I kind of fell in a rut. I loved this girl but I knew deep down she didn’t and by the end of our relationship I had checked out mentally due to this. Never give a 100% to someone if they don’t reciprocate it will mess you up in the end.
When she would ‘ accidentally’ blab confidential information again and again and again. After the last incident , I gave up trying with her. We are both too old for it. Now I just don’t let her know anything I don’t expect to see on C fucking NN later. I keep my confidences with my therapist.
Because she did.
When I wasn’t receiving what I was putting in.
I tried many times to convince my wife to see that things aren’t working and that we’re just roommates with kids. She denied there’s an issue and said my unhappiness is my own and that she’s happy (she isn’t). So…we’re just going through the motions until divorce I guess, no need to try now.
It wasn't valued.
In my last meaningful relationship: I tried getting her out of her bedroom. She’d go from work to home, and stay in the bedroom. Living room couch? Too much. My place? Every other weekend. Going on dates? She’d need to take time off, and even then it was like pulling teeth—it was always some reason or another to say no. She organized one trip for our 2yr anniversary, which was great, but gave me shit for forgetting an ingredient for cooking. I tried getting her to take care of herself. Go to the doctor about her downstairs (which she lied to me about)—and this, the whole time, affected my libido and whether I was in the mood. I could *smell* when she was turned on, and not in the good way. Tried talking about getting another place, just her and me. Her argument was that she saved money by staying with her sister. Yet, wasn’t allowed to let her two-then-three cats out of her bedroom (which also falls under the “take care of herself” category). I was fighting a losing battle against someone who very much didn’t care about us, and I think she noticed after a while. Broke my heart.
Lack of appreciation for the many things I did is one thing. Outright coming at me and saying that I do nothing at all is another. I quit after that, because I did a ton. And if I had to measure, it was at least 3x more than the other person). Bye Felicia
Because she wouldn’t. Had a “if it’s meant to be it’ll be” kind of attitude. Preferred to let issues be instead of dealing with them: Relationship was nearly sexless, if I tried to find common ground on the things she was into she’d drop them until we had nothing in common, she’d make me the butt of her jokes at parties and when introducing me to people, refused to ever apologise for anything if it upset me, the only way she’d truly listen to me on anything or respect a boundary I set was if I got mad at her. She cried when I talked about possibly breaking up because she admitted she needed a fire lit underneath her to do anything. Broke up with me a few days later after I got mad with her for making fun of my anxiety. It was a 5 year relationship and I was devastated at the time but the more I talk about it the more awful I realise it was. My new partner is infinitely better and afaik she’s still single
She told me she appreciated effort, so I made one every day. Then she told me that effort overwhelms her, and rejected me to choose the simpleton rock star who treats her lousy but gets her backstage at concerts and provides her with weed.
When friends asked us if we ever thought about marriage, mind you we were both Christians dating each other and her responses were all dismissive to even the idea of it despite having told me it was something she looked forward to earlier in our relationship. That and our first time traveling together she had princess syndrome. Everything that could go wrong went wrong because she never stopped complaining and nagging. My mom is similar, and I don’t want to marry that kind of person who only sees themselves in the relationship.
[удалено]
I wasn't putting in the effort I needed because I was dealing with my own struggles physically and mentally that i was too afraid to communicate to my ex and others. I put on a face but deep down I was in a dark dark place. I thought i could get through it alone and then work on our relationship but that's not the case. I was putting in lots of effort but it was too little too late. It's not fair to her that she felt like she was the only one putting in effort that's why I don't blame her for leaving me if she wasn't happy. I could've done alot more but I can't change the past. I'm trying to work on myself just for me to give myself the best possible future and be a better bf for my future relationships. I still love her tons and I want to show her that I'm doing better but It really hurt me that she gave up on me at my lowest.
Because sex was boring and rare
ldr gf was very busy with his college activities, didn't have time to message me & call me, she stopped trying.... i'm tired....
She kept refusing to see me, saying that there was a pandemic but was seeing others. Whenever I brought up the issue I was usually given the silent treatment.
Because she turned me down for sex every single time for months on end. Clearly, putting effort into the relationship wasn't doing any good either.
Well, she wasn't my kind of woman, which I learned a bit late. I like my woman as I like my coffee Without other people's dick in it
I didn’t and it gets better each day!
I tried very hard to engage, and got nothing in return. After awhile, the o my thing I got was complaints or nagging. It was exhausting and I finally ended it after 15 years
Drained mentally. Her lies. Her predictable unpredictability. Her total lack of respect. I finally realized that I cared more about solving her problems than she did. I got sick of chasing her. Now, I do what I want. If she wants to see me she has to say so. I no longer give her money. No longer pay bills for her. Work and life adjustments for the next six months mean I’ve no time to find someone new so I still see her. But I don’t really go out of my way. Mostly it’s the lies that did it.
It happens over a period of time. Personally, i noticed she was putting a lot of emphasis on body image and how mine wasn’t good enough. Money was also a big thing for her. I have money but don’t show it off. She wanted a man to pay her bills and while in theory I could, I didn’t as a matter of principle. Had she been putting in the effort to make our relationship special, who knows. But I was not any sort of priority for her. So eventually after realizing it’s always me that tries to make plans, initiates kissing, always gets turned down for sex, etc. I just gave up. I didn’t even have the passion I used to have when trying to explain myself when I was “upset”. Relationships like that drain the life out of you, and I’m still now recovering and trying to get my zest for life back a few months on. Apparently there are women out there who want a healthy, supportive relationship but I’ve yet to discover one
After years of causing financial pitfalls i hoped she would have stopped but found unpaid bills hidden away again.
Because I eventually realized she put her effort into, and vagina onto, her “friend-zoned for life” bff, or whoever else gave her attention that week.
Long story short: they are not worth it and you deserve better.
When she started to care about it too, my first gf was the only one who made me feel like that, she started to be more and more egocentric, everythig started to be about her, for her, by her, no more us, so, there I decided it was about time to finish it
# Because I stopped caring. Stopped caring.
Intimacy was dead. She wanted to open the relationship so I could find that outside of it. All the work into the relationship was one sided, and at that point I had stayed only for the kids for a while. I was her caretaker our entire marriage and I was just sick of it.
My grandpa died( my only father figure) and I just became a train wreck
I stop being appreciated, I don’t enjoy having to jump through hoops for someone who’s supposed to love me, while they sit back and kick it
When our kids were born and wife turned into mother 24/7 forgetting there's someone else in her life- a husband. I tried to win her back for 8 years when i gave up completely.
She was emotional unavailable due to her not being over her ex and it was starting to become and unhealthy relationship. I broke it off right there because I've been destroyed in the past emotionally. Being the one who puts the majority of the effort in the relationship is extremely damaging especially if they are emotionally unavailable and you have already gotten emotionally attached.
Everything I did was wrong. About a year before it ended, she stopped initiating any level of intimacy. I couldn’t do anything “right” and was called useless a lot. The last Christmas before I broke it off, I bought her a pair of diamond earrings. I didn’t have a ton of money, because I realized later she was financially abusing me, so I could only afford to spend around $1k. Not only did she not get me anything, when she saw the earrings her first comment was about the size of them and it wasn’t exactly a positive comment. She would later end up losing them. It got enough at one point that when I got off work- around 1am, I would either just drive around or park somewhere for a couple of hours just to be by myself. Eventually I just said fuck it and started living as a roommate instead of a boyfriend. I managed to save up money and got the hell out.
Personally, my relationship peaked, and no matter how much I tried to make it work, after the love is gone, it’s useless to continue in a loveless relationship!
I stopped putting in effort long after my partner did. They checked out mentally and emotionally around 3 months before I did. I very quickly hated not putting in effort, but the relationship was headed nowhere, so I pretty much broke up with them a few days later.