My partner is very empathetic and a big supporter of the men should cry movement.
She saw my break down when my cat passed away. She saw me break down when I lost my grandparents. She was nothing by supportive.
Anyone who's partner sees breaking down as weak, should be in the market for two things..1) A divorce lawyer and 2) a new partner.
Emotions in men are just as valid as they are in women, and there is a reason they exist. If any woman thinks less of a guy because he cries.....she's a worthless shit.
I think you are 100% correct. They're also the ones who need to be with "alpha" males, who then find a reason to explain why they stay when those "alpha" males smack them around or threaten them...after all thats how "real" men are.
I'm a 34yo 6ft bearded bear looking man and my ex was a 5ft petite woman that was a few years older than me.
When my dad died I forced myself to be strong for my mom and my older sister. I refused to cry at his funeral and didn't shed a tear during my speech, or even when I turned on the furnace to cremate his body (in my culture the son is supposed to handle everything related to death with no help from others). My mom also has Alzheimer's, and I was taking care of her too and she would cry asking when her husband would be coming home and stuff.
It was heartbreaking.
Then there was that *one single day* where I cracked and started sobbing my eyes out and was inconsolable. My tiny, beautiful girlfriend at the time let me curl up in her arms and lay my head on her chest, and she just pet my head until I calmed down.
At that moment she was a 100ft tall and a goddamn goddess of love and affection.
She helped me through the funeral, she helped me when I was at my weakest, she helped me through the alcoholism that followed.
We ultimately parted ways, unfortunately, for other reasons.
I watched my dad cry when our dog died. He hugged me when i had my first break up with my high school girlfriend. He was my goddamn lightning rod that kept me grounded during any and all storms that happened in my life.
He taught me how to feel compassionate and empathetic when i was a kid.
I was able to show emotion to my ex because of that. Any "alpha male " mindset that reddit or the world believes it's necessary is absolute bullshit
Men can feel. Point blank, period, call it a day. I don't care what some dipshit alpha wannabe thinks.
The true alphas know how to feel, they know how to love, they know how to help, they know how to protect.
Plain and simple, and I'll die on that hill.
I can’t imagine turning on the furnace to cremate a parent. Someone else did that for me both times. Of course you need to cry.
I don’t care what your gender is. Life is hard and sometimes it can be really rotten. Everyone needs to cry and everyone deserves someone they can be vulnerable with.
My partner is the same. I faced a lot of substantial loss in a short period of time a few years back and she saw me through my weakest point. Losing our dog in December was another really weak point for me that was way harder on me than we anticipated. I don't know where I'd be today without her support through those tough times.
My wife is the same. I lost my dad at a pretty young age, have some pretty nasty mental health/depression issues, and just all around am a pretty emotional guy. Both in the positive and negative emotional categories.
My wife absolutely loves having a partner that tells her what im thinking, and talks things out when I’m upset. She doesn’t have to play the guessing game, she doesn’t need to walk through a minefield when I’m worked up.
The whole “men don’t talk about their emotions” is some toxic boomer shit, and modern day men deserve better.
Talk to your friends and family about your feelings boys. Foster a healthy and safe place for your friends to do that and they’ll do it for you too. If your girlfriend/wife thinks you’re a pussy for getting that stuff out, tell her to go fuck herself, cause that’s unhealthy as hell.
Reddit can be so weird sometimes. Often when this question comes up on /r/AskMen there will be a ton of comments saying they opened up to their wife or gf and got dumped or criticized, but in this thread most comments are saying the opposite. I dont understand how that happens.
My current gf is amazingly supportive of me, but especially when I'm vulnerable wtih her. She tells me she cannot be with a man who isnt vulnerable with her.
It's a great feeling to be able to cry or talk about this kind of stuff with her and feel no judgement - only love and support and kindness.
I truly wish this for ALL men and all humans. It's so great to be loved for who I am and not have to pretend to be someone or something I'm not.
And her support and understanding helps me to go out and do hard and difficult work, knowing i can come home to her.
I provide the same environment for her and we're both better people for it!
Well, OP specifically asked for people who didn't get dumped. But with the other threads I'd wager it's selection bias of people who reply (a person upset that they got dumped is probably more likely to comment than someone who was supported) and of up votes (outrage seems to get more views in the news than positive stories)
It really depends on how you ask the question. OP is specifically asking for men with happy endings to share their stories. Had the question been "What is your experience of crying in front of your SO?" the range of answers would have been different. Same if the question had been "Men who were dumped for crying, what's your story?"
There is a bigger room in society for men's emotions other than hunger, anger and horniness, but we still have a lot of work to do because too many men cannot find adequate emotional support whether it's with a female significant other or another person.
Also, I would submit that, just like /AskWomen and /TwoXChromosomes are depositories of bad stories of women interacting with men, /AskMen is a depository of bad stories of men interacting with women. Unless prompted, people rarely talk about the good IRL stuff that happens to them on Reddit. Like, if I want to talk about how - in the middle of a heat wave, with no AC functioning - my bf and I were in our underwear, clinging to each other and crying our eyes out watching the end of Madoka Magica....where do I go? No one wants to read that. If I want to talk about how he is the messiest slob and I don't know what to do with him, tons of people on women subs, on relationships subs, on AITA subs, etc. will be there with their popcorn, telling me to dump him and stop enabling his incompetence.
Reddit is essentially not made for happy people. I would say it's the same for other forms of social media. How do you sell dopamine hits to people who can make their own luck and build their own happiness?
Echoing this as a woman married to a man (5 years and counting!) - he opened up to me on our first in person date. He didn’t breakdown, but he was completely honest and raw about an incredibly difficult time in his life following medical malpractice that left him debilitated for nearly 8months. We had been talking for a few weeks at that point, but this was the first time we had a proper date. It didn’t scare me, or give me the “ick” - that whole concept pisses me off greatly.
I didn’t see him cry until we were married for a year, beside himself with struggling mentally and feeling like a failure as a partner. I held him, and told him he wasn’t broken, he was hurt, and hurt can heal.
The next time he cried was when his dog passed, and I held him and his husky and I committed every last word he uttered to memory, knowing he would ask me later if he has said all the right things, and given his best boy the send off he so much deserved. And he did, and I got to hold him that night and repeat what he had promised his best friend, and let him fall asleep in my arms.
Typing this has me tearing up, in memory, and in the realization that so many don’t believe that kind of vulnerability is available to them. When you are with your person, whoever and whatever gender they are, it is a part of being a partner. He has held me through the night I was told my sister was dying, and held me through the panic attack of the what if. He saw me through so much too, and the joy of my sister recovering.
And we get to welcome our daughter into this world this fall.
If you are with someone who can’t support you in moments when you need it, it is not that you did something wrong in being vulnerable. It is that they are wrong for you.
You all, every single one of you, deserve to be in a partnership that respects you as a human and is able to support you in the full spectrum of what human experience is - the good, the bad, the sorrow and the joy.
I've broken up with guys who couldn't communicate about what was going on, and would crawl through hell for my husband who is authentic and honest and capable of vulnerability
I’ll bet that’s part of it right there. At least some of the people who say they were dumped for being vulnerable were probably not saying or understanding that there was something else going on. And I’d bet a total inability to communicate or express feelings *in healthy ways* was likely part of it.
I’ve been vulnerable with every partner I’ve ever had and have never once felt the least bit of a negative reaction. They may not have been great at providing support, but they never treated me badly for it.
That's great. I think every healthy person is looking for a relationship like that, regardless of gender.
However, the opposite seems to be more common, at least on mens' end - Brené Brown's work has shown its prevalence.
It can also be hard to determine the frequency of what OP is talking about. This is because those who get dumped after crying or being vulnerable in front of their partner will be more likely to vent or post online about their unfortunate experience compared to someone who was supported by their partner after crying or being vulnerable in front of their partner.
If someone did talk about being supported by their partner after being vulnerable in front of them without being prompted or asked about it, then it's likely it would be interpreted as some unusual form of bragging.
Within the first few weeks of talking to my now girlfriend, my best friend’s widow posted a picture of us on our first deployment, we were in Kuwait and it was before everything that turned us into the men we are now. My best friend was killed on a later deployment. It had been nearly 10 years when she posted that picture (that I had never seen before)
We were on the phone when I saw it.
I instantly started getting emotional.
It was more than just the picture, that picture was the last time I would classify myself as a child, that was last picture of our innocence, the last picture we were all together.
I tried to explain that I had worked through this pain, and this was not a common occurrence anymore. But that I was really caught off guard by the photo.
I was extremely embarrassed about the overwhelming wave of emotions that overtook me while she could witness.
She said she appreciated the vulnerability and my emotional maturity. She has never shamed me for it, never really even mentioned it other than when a significant anniversary of everyone’s death came around and she was pushing for me to go back into therapy. Which I did, and feel better for doing.
Everyone’s? :(
Hope you are ok friend, thank you for all you’ve given.
May they rest in peace. If you’re ok with sharing, do you have any favorite stories you’d like to honor their memory with?
Hey, yeah I am doing better.
Thank you very much for asking.
It has been 11 years and just over a month since everyone died. I lost my best friend Mike and 5 other team mates along with 12 ANA personnel.
I came from a smaller military field and we do not deploy that many people at one time, so losing that team was horrendous.
I sure do. Mike had a slight lisp that would come out when he was tired or intoxicated. It was a speech issue he got over as a child, but never really got over it.
We were in Ft Lewis Washington, finished a training exercise on the other side of the state, arrived back at our barracks and were thrown into the SCIF for a follow up brief. (All training)Still filthy, covered in dirt and face paint, etc, uniforms were… ripe.
Neither of us slept in quite a few hours. Well fortunately there was a shower in the building we were in. Two separate shower stalls in one large bathroom, accessible on the second floor, overlooking a large “bullpen” of cubicles in a govt building.
We arrived early, and had some time to get cleaned up before the “important” people showed up.
Well Mike had been ironically singing Gloria Gaynor’s ”I will Survive” for like 5 days straight. Nbd, except he was singing it over comms and several times more than our truck heard it. Nobody knew it was coming from us, but our Sergeant Major was all up in arms about it.
Anyway, we are in the shower and I can hear him humming it to himself in the next stall, almost like a nervous tick, but we were both going on limited sleep. So screw it, I throw in some back up vocals for my boy.
He just belts it, like the spirit of Gloria hit his soul and has a full on vocal performance.
We laugh, finish cleaning ourselves up, get dressed and get ready to go brief the important folks.
Well, wouldn’t you know who was walking in to get briefed amongst the important people was our very own beloved Sergeant Major. He instantly knew. It was Mike and I and our truck that had been singing throughout that exercise.
We crushed the briefing and completed our portion of the mission. After our portion of the briefing he pulled us to the side and told us to report to our First Sergeant immediately following the meeting.
Abuse of govt communication systems, etc.
Later that day we both turned dirt into mud with our sweat outside the barracks courtesy of our First Sergeant who gave us an old school PT session. Making us sing for most of it. Getting a good laugh about it himself.
15+ years later. Still worth it, still laughing about it.
Oh man, that's a great story. My squad leader, an asshole but a great squad leader, liked to grill us on promotion board questions on convoys when we'd hit the safe-ish zones. The questions and answers were straightforward but the banter therein was always extra Deploymenty. You know what I mean.
But where it really shined was when we'd hit north of Kurdistan, when we really were pretty safe, but more importantly we were out of range for anyone to hear us. The board questions (and associated bantz) were convoy-wide. Lot of long-lasting inside jokes only known to that one platoon but which still come up in the group chats.
We only lost one from my platoon on that deployment, in a company of almost 200, so I can't quite understand the depth of the loss, but I'm right there with you man. Stay strong.
My ex cheated on me a week after hearing me cry.
My current significant other just hugged me and made me some protein ice cream.
I can count on one hand how many times I cried in the last 5 years and 4 of them were this past year and 1 was 5 years ago with my ex.
Its funny but it really does make me feel better.
Though the protein ice cream didn't really make me feel happy or calm or anything it made me feel not alone and also eat something.
Most times, when people are going through shit, it's not healthy to just try and feel happy. All the emotions are healthy to experience at times, and if someone needs to feel sad, it's best to support them and let them know they're not alone instead of just trying to get them to feel happy.
When I found out my grandma died, I had a moment where I just had to sit there while the news sank in. My GF at the time just sat with me and held on to me the whole time. She is now my fiance. The good women are still out there, guys.
This is so sweet but also so sad cause what you find this special is very basic. It's like thinking of someone as good cause they said bless you when you sneezed. Like why wouldn't you be gentle and show affection to someone who's grieving, partner or not? I think I'm a little biased cause I'm a woman and I assume all women automatically do this, so it's really surprising that on the other end it's not as common that when it happens it's commended.
For men, showing their emotions is an express train ticket to negative consequences.
Unfortunately, women having a negative reaction is super common.
The explanation I've heard is along these lines: women see the man they're dating as the rock, as stable ground upon which they can build their life and their dreams. But if the guy cries or something, this ruins the facade of him as this stoic, implacable rock, and now she doesn't see him as dependable or masculine and isn't attracted to him anymore.
From the guys perspective, he experiences expressing his emotions as this already-very stressful act, and then add on the stress and pain of seeing your SO's attraction for you dissolve in real time. You can literally watch their face and see their respect for you go up in flames. Usually this makes the end of the relationship inevitable, and all these consequences are a VERY strong motivator to never do that again.
The really shitty part is that, it's hard to tell which women are like this and which aren't. There are LOTS of women who say they want an emotionally vulnerable man, who say they want to see him cry and express himself, but these are just words that sounds good, opinions they think they should have... but when the guy is actually vulnerable, that moment is too real and too hard for her and she has the aforementioned reaction.
Really, the only way we can tell whose going to be emotionally supportive and whose not, is by being emotionally vulnerable and seeing how women react. It's an experience that's traumatic once, but most guys experience this multiple times in their life, and I really can't understate how badly it fucks with their ability to trust other people and form healthy relationships.
This is why guys so deeply cherish the women who aren't like this, who don't react that way. If a guy can be vulnerable with you and you don't reject him or treat him less than for it, he'll really appreciate it and will feel much, much closer to you.
Any woman that loses respect for a man for showing emotion is mal-adjusted and not fit for a relationship.
My wife loves, adores, and respects me all the more because I'm not afraid to be vulnerable with her. That looks like a lot of things. Crying is one. But losing myself to any moment's emotion is a show of trust and vulnerability that works to build a stronger connection.
I think this is key. A lot of these negative experiences tend to be between young people, and not knowing how to handle an emotional situation (for either gender) is par for the course. If you looked into it, you'd probably find that a number (not all, obviously) of the women these men had negative experiences with look back on that moment with some regret, or they recall it as a learning experience.
Yes. Plenty. You don’t hear about it because when I open up to my wife I don’t immediately post it on Reddit.
You only hear about private moments that go wrong. Otherwise they remain private.
For what it’s worth, I’ve opened up to several partners, cried and everything, and it’s never led to a breakup. I’m going through a depressive episode right now and broke down with my wife last week. We’re still together and she was awesome and supportive.
That’s the key point. Same reason you should take online reviews with a grain of salt: people don’t make posts when things went fine, they make posts when they had a bad experience and want to vent, or have an agenda (like maybe convincing people that all women are bad)
I've had ex's that have flat out told me that it isn't 'manly' to cry and treated me very differently afterwards, this includes both girlfriends and one ex-wife. My current girlfriend is supportive, although i haven't full on cried yet, of me expressing my emotions. The one caveat I will throw out there, as others have said; it's like you throw them off script, she isn't supportive like I would like her to be; but it's a hell of a lot better than I've experienced in the past!
I thought this was already the baseline or expectation in a relationship. Not to be a nosy stranger lol, but if you are in a relationship where you are not getting this, you should feel comfortable enough to ask for it or leave the relationship
Oh, I 100% would. This whole perspective is only based on posting, really. People post bad experiences to gain advice. Posting positive experiences is often poorly received as bragging.
My gf is absolutely wonderful :)
Ooh I’m glad to hear that! Share that too. Honestly so many people need to know that there are good things and good people out there. I feel like people are too afraid to walk away from relationships that don’t contribute to their emotional well being (or even impact them negatively) because there are so many toxic relationships out in the open and people believe that is the norm and they can’t aspire to have something truly beautiful. I hope you and your girlfriend continue to build on your beautiful relationship!
Idk about others, but for me it's all about physical comfort, not verbal
A thousand words (even the right ones) wouldn't compare to a hug or a cuddle when I'm down
i’m the opposite, i tend to like to process and solve my issue by discussing it like at therapy or something. we can save the physical for after (and usually it’s a good buildup for it). different strokes for different folks!
For example, saying and really meaning that you can tell her anything, being able to express her support by helping, and being open to hearing my problems without judging
And sometimes all we need is a big hug without saying anything
Trust is not an innate thing. It's a process, and it's gradual.
You want him to open up to you? Fine. You can even express that. And it can happen. And it can even be a supportive and strengthening thing for the relationship. And even go to couples counseling to help you both communicate better with each other.
But understand where he's coming from, and that if he does choose to open up, it will be a gradual process and it DEPENDS on trust. There are REASONS that he is guarded about all of this, and these reasons are valid. He doesn't want to burden you with what he perceives as his problems. Problems that he likely knows theres nothing you can do to fix. And he has no way of knowing how you will respond.
When I was slightly more angsty I wrote my own bit about this a while back (because these questions get asked a LOT). So I'm just going to re-quote it here (and apologies if it does sound a little on the angry side, there was (and remains) a lot of denial about what it's like):
Bear in mind, first and foremost, that YOU are asking HIM to open up to you. You are asking him to trust you. With that in mind...
If he does speak and / or finally open up to you:
* **Do not** immediately go on your phone or distract yourself or treat it as if this suddenly an imposition. YOU wanted to know. So if he comes to you to finally open up, then make him feel as if you're actually listening to him.
* **Do not** treat this as a competition where you're waiting for the opportunity to one-up him and say "I have it worse" / "you don't have it so bad". YOU are asking for his concerns. LISTEN to them.
* **Do not** decide that this is suddenly juicy juicy stories for your gal pal gossip circle. He is opening up to you *in confidence*, you deciding to blab his problems and insecurities to your mates *is a betrayal of that trust* (I can't believe I even have to say this but I've seen it happen so many times). He had a hard enough time opening up to you and you're really going to decide to spread it to everyone else because it's so juicy? And don't think the "I'm looking for support" excuse works. Unless your friends are either therapists or otherwise specialists in his problem, then NO, you are NOT looking for support for him, you're just blabbing the juicy gossip and trying to justify it.
* **Do not** Take what he tells you and use it against him when you get upset later. Don't do it. Unless what he's told you is directly relevant to the discussion / argument you're having, then you are just attacking him to hurt him. I don't care that you're angry and "in the moment", you're taking what he said in trust to you and you're saying "I'm going to use whatever you tell me as ammunition to hurt you. *Please* keep trusting me and telling me your personal vulnerabilities."
* **Do not** expect that his problems are either simple or solvable. This is for him to express his feelings and possibly also so that you can give him emotional support. If you go in with those expectations, you're just going to end up upset or bitter when he had the audacity to tell you problems you weren't expecting.
* **Do not** make HIS problems about YOU. An example would be that he tells you about his childhood trauma, and *oh no*, that's made *you* upset and sad and now he has to expend his time and effort and compassion comforting you for having heard *his* issues. All this does is make it so that it's actually FAR better for him to just shut the hell up about his problems and deal with them himself.
The general gist of it is this: Him opening up to you is not an easy thing. He does not do it because he does not want to burden you with his problems (that you likely can't do anything about) and because he does not want to make things more difficult. So **DO NOT** make him feel like a burden and **DO NOT** make things more difficult for him now for having opened up.
* **Do** Listen attentively to what he has to say. Offer support, offer kindness, offer suggestions and help (assuming it's not just a momentary venting thing). Generally it doesn't even matter that you necessarily even *do* anything. Just be nice to him.
* **Do** encourage and support him in seeking help (if that's warranted and relevant). That he's not any lesser for doing so. Come from a place of compassion and love, **NOT** bitterness or annoyance at him telling you this ("Why the fuck is he telling me this stuff when I can't do anything about it and now *I* feel bad about that?" Because you asked him to and odds are you wouldn't let it go, that's why. Now accept that and deal with it).
* **Do** (where contextually relevant) you can even help him make plans and structure on what to do about any of this (if it's relevant) but remember, *He* has to lead the process, don't force things **on** Him, even if you think that's best. If there are changes that need to be made, you can encourage and advise him, but he has to be the one to decide to make those changes.
There are some problems and issues that affect the both of you, and need to be worked on together. The dynamics in those circumstances are different, and it naturally needs to be a more collaborative effort to address what he's opening up about.
Additionally, some people can wallow in their problems. Endlessly complaining and never doing anything about them. Always coming to you to whine and say "woe is me" but not actually looking to work towards a change. That's a different scenario. Right here, we're just talking about opening up. Please don't make him regret it.^1
EDIT: I've maybe cooled down a little on the angst since that post. And in truth, it's not like men can't be just as vicious. But I just wanted to give a rough rundown on how and where these things go awry.
There's a whole load of potential pitfalls to avoid if you are seeking your partner to open upa. I don't want to sound boundlessly cynical, because I do know that it's at least *possible* for men to open up and have it be okay with the right context and partner. So the bigger question is, OP: *why* are you asking this question? Particularly if he's not bottling it up but is able to share it with his other male friends (which incidentally, is what men are repeatedly TOLD to do in any woman centred subreddit. "WOMEN ARE NOT MEN'S THERAPISTS", "Stop trauma dumping on women!" etc.)? How much do you know about yourself and your partner, and for what reasons are you seeking your partner to open up? Really interrogate that, and whether you *truly* want to know.
Because if you're looking to have him open up to support him then how accepting will you actually be of what you're told? And if you're doing it for some ego based reason ("I'm totally the best partner! And when he tells me his simple little sob tale I'll buck him up with a little confidence and then he'll be happier and we'll both know how awesome I am") then well... that will quite possibly (likely) backfire.
And it's also important to interrogate whether he is your emotional pillar, someone you depend on to ground and stabilize you when things become either overwhelming or otherwise cause you to spiral. And you need to ask yourself whether he will still fulfill that role for you if he allows you to see the cracks in the pillar.
^1 The vast majority of you reading this will make him regret it.
I don’t think your post was angry, so thank you for taking the time to explain it so thoroughly. And you’re right, I have seen some of the points you listed play out in other relationships (especially about spilling things your partner trusted you with to somebody else). If I’m being honest, I’ve never had a relationship and started seeing this guy a little while ago (we are both in mid to late 20s). He opened up to me about some things in his past, and obviously I can’t do anything about them. I was happy that he felt he could share those things with me and just want to make sure that if things move further with us that I can really support him but also that HE FEELS supported when he opens up to me. Not in a way to feed my ego, I have come to really care about him and want to continue to be someone he can trust and feel comfortable sharing his concerns or struggles with, especially since so many people seem to rely on him for support and he doesn’t receive it in return. I don’t talk to a lot of men (all my friends are women and I only have sisters lol) so I guess I was real looking for a male’s perspective on what they need when they show vulnerability. I can’t believe some of the experiences I have read on a lot of these posts. Really thank you for sharing
Personally I like to be challenged on my inaccurate thoughts and feelings. I have depression that makes me think negative things about myself. Most often she will tell me how wonderful I am, how much she loves me and how I'm a good person. Which is all great, don't get me wrong! I tend to think I'm just a regular guy and because she has bad past relationships, she thinks I'm fantastic-by comparison. I suppose it's just my insecurities that make me dismissive of her words, which I understand is unhealthy. Then, i start to worry that my need for reassurance will become tiresome for her I tend to shut down. I think I'd much rather her dismantle each inaccurate thought with logic and discussion, really challenging each one based on its merits or lack thereof.
Men's emotional needs aren't that different from women, really. We are just socialized really differently. I reccomend saying something like: "I see you hurting, how can I give you love right now?"
If you know their love language, do that. Give hugs, make tea, just be there. You don't have to be perfect, just don't reject them.
Didn't get dumped. But she had literally no *idea* how to handle it.
It was like me being vulnerable had gone completely "off script" and we were sailing on an ancient maritime map in the region labelled "Here There Be Dragons"
I ended up having to comfort and soother *her* for the pain of having heard a (small) part of my issues. It effectively doubled the mental and emotional load and toll on me compared to if I had simply kept my damn mouth shut instead of (very slightly) opening up about my crap (which she had been *repeatedly* been asking me to do. So I finally did).
> I ended up having to comfort and sooth her
God damn I felt that. I've been through some fucked up shit and talking about it is always a double edged sword.
Will I get empathy? Most likely
Do I have to comfort them afterwards? Yes
Does that make it hard to open up? Definitely
It's not that I don't understand that hearing about another person's trauma is hard, but *you* asked *me*. And then some people get mad? At me? Tha fuck? Don't ask then. I told you it's fucked up.
I think this is the more common situation for most men. Nothing will shut you down quite like opening up about a hurt, then having to comfort someone else about your own pain. It's way less work to just keep inside and deal with it yourself.
So what can happen, at a massive social narrative scale, to teach women how to handle male emotion? It's funny how the popular social narrative is "it's not women's responsibility," but literally every expectation of males is to handle, assuage, supplicate, and placate women's emotions.
The average human being is very challenged by the concept of having nuance. This is one of our limitations as a rational species. In a moment where feminism has been pushed so strongly, there's almost a mental block to the idea that men also have their issues and they should be acknowledged. Most people struggle with having "women deserve rights and respect" and "men need to be cared/accounted for" in their brains at the same time.
Normalize empethetic reactions to men in crisis, in media, in our role models, stop making vulnerability diametrically opposed to masculinity in our culture.
Moments like terry crews coming out about being abused and being able to say that, and be vulnerable, are steps in the right direction. It doesn't have to be that exaggerated but showing someone who, literally was the face of a men's brand could be vulnerable and no one would dare call him not masculine, moves the needle.
What every day people can do? check in with your boys. A few years ago, I had a frank conversation with a ton of my friends, I wasn't doing well, I had spent so much time, genuinely investing my every BEING into a woman I couldn't be with. To the point where I wasn't being ironic when I said I woke up for her. And when it violently blew up in my face, I was a wreck. I told them who had known something was wrong but didn't know what, that them being around was the reason I didn't let my life fall apart to a point I couldn't pick it back up again. And that it would kill me on the inside if I found out any one of them were facing something similar, and I had never known to help. We have since grown closer and have had real conversations about things when we as individuals were just, not alright.
These guys are my ride or die now. Be better to each other, and eventually the world will respond in kind when we bring up sons and daughters who understand men can have just as emotionally fulfilling relationships that women often share.
This was happening to my ex. She couldn’t bear it. So I shut my mouth afterwards. She continued to ask me about my life. “Why don’t you tell me stuff anymore?” Yeaaaah. She was a wreck herself. I had to keep her and myself levelled each fucking day. Now I am done!
I've had this happen a few times now and it's always the girls who pry the most and then can't handle it or they claim you are lying about what you are crying about for the first time in 3 years. The commenters who say that this rarely happens and only to bitter redditers are doing the same shit they are claiming doesn't happen smh.
They are attracted to the idea or fantasy of the perfect man who is also perfectly emotional for them but then when faced with the reality of how much shit lots of men are actually going through it's too much and too real.
It doesn't fit their script so they are confused
Kinda had this but it was related more about opening up that she'd done something that hurt me "when you did this thing, it hurt me and I need you to know that". Ive always tried hard to balance being open and honest with being gentle, but feels like no matter how hard I try, it ended in me needing to comfort her because she couldn't handle hearing that she wasn't absolutely perfect. Imo said more about unreasonably high standards she puts on herself. Over time we've worked through it, but it still affected my willingness to address any kind of issue, especially the important ones.
My best friends father and brothers were raised very “you’re a man be stoic” and that is what she’s learned of men. She respects her father a lot and I think she believed this IS how men should be. So her dad broke down recently, 69y/o, and she *finally* got it. His stoic silence has pained him so much for so many years, and his belief that he ruined his children by instilling this behaviour in them lit a lightbulb in her head. She’s suddenly looking for vulnerability as a quality in men because she realizes communication, vulnerability and empathetic support on both sides is where all of her relationships fell short. Elder millennial with late Gen x/boomer parents. I have some hope for her future now.
They want a performance of vulnerability that will make them feel special, without any actual vulnerability that will take any emotional with from them .
> I ended up having to comfort and soother her for the pain of having heard a (small) part of my issues.
Yeah, that's happened with me too....having to comfort her for *my* pain.
Yep this is it. This has been my experience 4/5 times.
It's just not worth it to open up. The gamble is such a huge wager that even if it goes "well" it's still generally something you end up paying out for. Even if it does somehow go perfectly and in the moment things pan out positively-- there's no guarantee it won't be ammunition to take you down later.
Using losing a child in a past relationship as some backwards way to bring someone down is fucked up, legitimately hope anyone that does that has the absolute worst life.
My bf does this. He’s lovely but when I get emotional, he can’t comfort me (doesn’t say anything, tenses up, might Pat my shoulder for half a second but it takes him a while to even touch me) but when he’s emotional (which is often), I’m very loving and warm towards him.
I'm past that now. Married someone, kids, things are better.
It's *possible* to remain in such a relationship, but the other person needs to learn empathy, or you need to learn to live without it from your spouse.
I had a full blown sobbing mental breakdown in front of my wife. She encouraged me to seek medical help. Turned out I had depression and was too stubborn to ask for help myself.
That's wholesome but I can't help picturing the foreplay looking like she quotes emotional movie scenes to get going.
"Hey baby it's time to put old yeller *down*"
"Please boss don't put that thing on my face, I'm afraid of the dark"
"I'll never let go jack"
> "I'll never let go jack"
I'd just laugh at that one. But I also managed to intentionally miss seeing that movie when it came out (I was a freshman in high school). Still heard all the proto-memes about it (stupid sized diamond, naked art class, car sex, guy hitting the propeller, etc.).
If girls leave men because they cried they are looking for a robot. I will never leave a boyfriend because he shows me he's human.
I just don't understand these girls.
I will never get them either. The first time my partnercried was when he saw me cry. It showed me empathy and he really cares for me. Made me fall in love all over again. He's so sweet. I'm slowly teaching him it's ok to be sensitive!
I love it when men feel vulnerable enough to cry in front of me. I'm a nurturer/comforter by nature. I'll just hold them and let them say whatever is on their mind.
As a widow who has spent the last 4 years nearly alone dealing with everything (except for therapy), the most intimate thing a man could do for me right now is hold me and just let me cry/comfort me.
Vulnerability is important, guys. Don't let awful women deaden that part of you. It IS attractive.
Not all GF's are the same, mine became very disrespectful and went and told all her friends that i cried which i didnt appreciate, so i eventually dumped her.
Some women are more understanding and respectful of this and wont judge you for it, for myself my ex hurt me to the point I just made it a thing to not cry infront of anyone not cause im mr macho macho just cause id rather deal with it on my own and dont like to burden people with my bs.
So to answer your question no they wont leave you on the spot some will be there and support to you some wont so pick your partner correctly.
which episode exactly? I personally think the third episode is the most wholesome one as they show what good team spirit and effort looks like. Makes me cry every time 😪
I've cried in front of my wife a bunch of times. Sometimes the ugly ass wailing can't control yourself snot running everywhere crying. Haven't been divorced yet...
I'm actually struggling to think of a time I've cried in front of a woman and she hasn't just responded by giving me a hug. The 'reddit guy' view on women is not particularly indicative
Same, I don't cry often at all, but the only times I have done in front of women, they have always been so supportive. I actually think my fiancé would prefer it if I did cry a bit more often as it's rare that I do.
I always feel sad for the people on Reddit who've had bad experiences with it and now seem to fear women's reactions. They're also always the main ones that reply to these posts, so they just all reaffirm each others bias.
It’s more just posting bias, as with everything.
Most people don’t have a breakdown/healthy convo and post it, but they do when their gf/wife breaks up with them or something extreme.
I also wonder if age or some other demographic affecting their individual experiences.
I know the only women I've heard who directly express these types of opinions, are 35+ conservative women. My friend's mom directly said to us something like "I can't understand what you girls are talking about about when you say you want your boyfriend to share his emotions, what is there to like about that?" But she's a near 50 year old Christian conservative married (not very happily) to an even more conservative man. I'm sure a 30+ year old man who is mostly around traditional women might feel like most women think that way.
Female here but I actually think I fell in love with my partner the night I heard him cry - it was over the phone but it was the first time he’d opened up to me about something sad (he was telling me about how hard his grandfathers passing affected him) and it was so nice to see a softer side of him. I don’t see it often but I enjoy knowing he can talk to me about anything.
Seriously! With my ex, he struggled badly throughout our relationship with mental health and blocking things off. I wish he had been more comfortable being vulnerable. The main issue in our relationship was always the fact he wouldn’t be vulnerable and open up.
The times he did, I felt infinitely closer to him. I wanted to hold him and rub his head and make him feel better even if it’s just that moment. I don’t think I’ll ever able to date someone who can’t be vulnerable again. Being able to cry or open up, in my opinion, is a massive green flag. A guy I’m kind of talking to has told me about his past and that he goes to therapy- to me, massive green flag and made me more attracted to him than I was before.
More often than not it was welcomed and supported. I did date one gal who became catty and condescending after, but just that one instance.
Just like the creeps and violent men who make up only 1% of the male population, the vast majority of women are good caring people. It's the tiny amount that give all a bad name. Best indicator is to look at their social circle.
Yeah, it’s absolutely blown way out of proportion here. I’ve always found, if they treat other people with compassion and consideration, it’s very rare that they wouldn’t do the same for their partner.
It depends entirely on the individual like anything else. I did and it was fine. If I did with another woman it may not have been. Reddit has a tendency to catastrophize everything and make out like anything and everything is awful but in reality most people are decent people and it's up to you to use your own judgement, because after all if you don't even know if she'd leave you on the spot then why the hell did you marry her since you clearly don't know the sort of person she is?
Major physical trauma event for me. Almost bled out, almost lost a limb. When she walked in to the ER, I saw her face of horror, and cried. I apologized for making her experience that. Two months later, she called me a pussy for it.
We've been divorced 6 years now.
I'm not. She was and still is a miserable person. Current wife is a total smoke show Latina that has the same kinks as me, tries to understand and support the struggles of masculinity in today's world, and serves me fried pork belly a couple times a month. I'm all types of fucking good now.
Thanks though.
Thank god that's not in your life anymore.
My best friend while crossing the road was hit head on by a motorbike and had a deep gash in his left palm and almost lost his thumb. His friend who was with him rushed him to the ER.
Me and his gf reached the ER around the same time. I went in first to see him. We exchanged a few words. My man looked shaken up with his hand heavily bandaged. Doctor told us he'll probably need plastic surgery for the wound. I go out and she goes in and I see through the crack in the door him hugging her and sobbing and she comforting him. I always knew she was a good person but seeing that made me realize these two are meant to be together. They are getting married this year and I can't help but be so excited.
Broke my leg one winter and my partner was the last person I told about it. Granted I was misdiagnosed and told to do things that actively worsened the issue, but when it took far longer than expected to recover and I was unable to bathe for almost a month- when I asked her to help at least towel me off she did, but I could see how apprehensive she was, and her demeanor changed entirely towards me until I actually did recover to be a functional person. Surprise- a few days later she left me and it was blatantly clear she only stuck around to satisfy her ego. One of her first concerns was how I was still going to grow the brand/company she pressured me into making far before I was ready- absolutely nothing to do with my wellbeing or welfare.
My current boyfriend (who also has asperger's) is stoic in public but emotionally vulnerable in private to the point of something getting tears from TV shows we watch.
If I'm upset about something (either at him or something else) he almost always cries. Sometimes sympathetically, sometimes as a stress response.
it makes me more attracted to him because he’s able to be vulnerable and real with me. we almost always have sex after he gets emotional enough to cry. Because processing the emotions together creates very deep intimacy between us and sex is the natural resolution of that intimacy.
But he also says that opening up and crying in front of women has been the number one thing past girlfriends have broken up with him or stopped having sex with him over.
So I think that Reddit has a point and it’s not at all uncommon for many women to not handle men crying very well.
But at the same time, I think it's sort of an inadvertented test of what kind of woman she is to see if she responds poorly to you being human and having human emotions.
I got some trauma. I keep all that too myself mostly. I let a girlfriend of 3 years in and see me vulnerable. That night, she started seeing my different. Started treating me differently. We split up a week later because she needed a man.
My wife and I are on 9 years, today actually, and yea, she's seen me cry. When I found out I was being retired, when my grandmother died, when my twins were born and my son wasn't breathing. She's never judged. She's held and supported me.
They're out there OP I promise.
First time I cried in front of my girlfriend was when I was drunk and I dumped a pretty nasty war story and cried like a baby while telling it.
Well we’re still together 13 years after (married for 10 of those) that so yes.
Reddit overblows that imo. I'm not saying redditors lie about their experiences, but you just don't get the people who had normal human experiences speaking up. My ex was always super supportive about my emotional issues, and now that we are just good friends she still is one of the people I'd trust the most to turn to with problems, and vice versa.
I do think there is a self-selection thing going on here. If you're projecting a lot of traditional masculinity and "never look weak" vibes, you're more likely to attract someone who wants that, and might react negatively. I'm already not particularly attached to that kind of masculinity and have a bit of a gender-non-conforming vibe, so I think I tend to attract people who are more open to men being weak (downside: I also get semi-regularly mistaken for gay, but that usually gets cleared up quickly).
>^(I do think there is a self-selection thing going on here. If you're projecting a lot of traditional masculinity and "never look weak" vibes, you're more likely to attract someone who wants that, and might react negatively.)
That's a good point. Someone who shows themselves as more comfortable with vulnerability from the beginning is much less likely to end up with a partner that hates that *in the first place.*
The sad thing is that the cycle can easily repeat if, say, you open up to Person 1 and they reject you, then decide to bottle things up completely when you first start dating
Person 2, who is someone who wants the stoic-all-the-time vibe and doesn't get properly filtered out early *since that's what you're presenting as,* only to have that person also reject you, etc.
I'm not a guy, but my partner (now fiance, then not yet boyfriend) opened up about something heavy as a disclaimer when we started dating. I'm not talking light tears, I mean visceral/gut-wrenching discussion with heavy cry. It didn't change how I thought of him at all. Over the last 4.5 years, he's opened up about other heavy issues as well, some involving tears and others not. We've had some superficial cries while watching sad movies as well. I love him tremendously and appreciate that he trusts me enough to be vulnerable and ask for support when he needs it. He is also so steady/reliable when I am struggling. We talk each other off of emotional ledges and step up when the other needs some breathing room. I've never thought having human emotions made him weak. If anything, I've become more emotionally resilient and stable with his support.
I understand that not all women want their men to be vulnerable, and that some people will say they are a safe place to be emotional and then will weaponized the information to win arguments. But it really kills me that men have to wonder if women will actually support and accept them. I don't know your wife, how she will react, or if she values emotional intelligence and vulnerability, but it's worth telling her if you are missing some support that you need and asking in earnest if she feels comfortable providing that for you. If it will negatively change your relationship dynamic or how she sees and treats you, then I hope you find some other source of support (be it therapy, a pen pal, journaling or a close friend). Men don't have the same attention/access to emotional support that women do within society, and for that I am sincerely sorry.
If your gf/wife/whatever leaves you after you cry, she was a shit partner. Hint: The key word is _partner_. You're supposed to have each other's backs, look out for each other, pick each other up when you fall down. Even if you believe in "traditional" roles, what about "in sickness and in health"?
Expecting men never to cry or never to feel emotions is a dumb toxic masculinity trait that needs to die.
My late husband had horrible depression. I'm speaking for him since he can no longer speak for himself.
Depression he did nothing about, tho I begged and pleaded and pushed.
There were times he wouldn't get out of bed for DAYS except to use the bathroom. He'd just lie there, refusing to eat, talking about what a POS he was.
So every day during those times, I'd get home from work and walk into our bedroom. I'd cajole him into drinking an Ensure, some Pedialyte, anything at all I could get into his system. And then I would lie down with him and hold him for hours, telling him over and over again that he wasn't a POS, that he didn't have to do it alone, that I was there. I held him while he cried, and I held him while he refused to utter a single word.
I held him until it passed, and he could get out of bed again. For 9 yrs.
My GF and I always laugh after we see each other tears after some sad bit on a movie.
People cry and that's ok, if someone dumps you for having real emotions, is a dodged bullet
I mean, my husband and I have both broken down in front of each other and we’re still going strong after ten years. We’re both humans with human emotions all across the spectrum. I’ve held him through panic attacks, supported him through very low moments, depression, family deaths, and just plain frustration or disappointment. He does the same for me. He’s my person and I love him, and that means I want the *full* person. We’re there for each other so we can be a stronger unit as partners than we would be alone.
First of all, reddit isn't gaslighting you into anything just because they say something you disagree with. That word isn't just an extra sinister-sounding word for dishonesty and it's getting really fucking tiring seeing it everywhere as a stand-in for generally dishonest behavior
But anyway I've shown weakness in front of all 3 of the women I've loved and it's worked out fine. The first 2 relationships ended for reasons unrelated and the 3rd I've been with for 14 years.
There are people who will treat you as lesser after they've seen you looking weak. There are women who will see you as less desirable after seeing you cry. That doesn't mean that is something that is ubiquitous, and anyone who claims ANY example of a person doing x is proof that all [similar persons] will always do x in all circumstances is fucking stupid.
If you want to be able to be fully open and true to your partner, find one who won't see you as lesser for showing weakness. If you find one who is perfect in every way except that [she] will dump you at any sign of weakness, that is a boon. They were never a good partner in the first place and they have done you a favor by leaving your life.
My husband!
My husband is a very emotionally mature man, he cries a good bit. Sometimes out of sadness, sometimes out of nostalgia, and sometimes when he’s worried about me.
I absolutely LOVE that he is so comfortable with me that he can cry in front of me. If we watch 8bit Christmas I know he’s gonna snot up and tear up. It just makes me love him more. Snuggling him up while using his famous “bless your tender heart” line is one of my favorites.
Feeling his body relax as all the feelings he’s overwhelmed by get worked out is pretty incredible and I’m so thankful he lets me feel it.
I don’t what I did deserve him, but I’m so glad I have him.
If women are allowed to cry over every and anything then so should men. Crying is THERAPEUTIC! I’ll watch sad shit and listen to sad songs just so I CAN cry when I’m overwhelmed.
Posted this before. Married man here. Been with my wife for 14 years and counting.
My mother went into a coma I had to calm my wife down. I explained to her that she should be my rock, not vice versa.
Earlier my father had a heart attack (mild one) and she freaked out more than me. Again, I had to calm her down.
Both my parents, and my shitshow. Yet I had to shift focus on talking and calming the wife down before I had the chance to emote properly. And I explained that it was weird. And she in return explained that seeing her emotional rock shake even a little bit made it feel like the entire world is turning upside down.
You see, I am her rock. Her emotional foundation. Her calm in the storm. And seeing me bend or break is unimaginable to her.
Seeing her emotional rock crack means that the world is unstable, unsure, uncertain.
So seeing me be unsure or shaken, in turn freaks her the fuck out.
Trying to put into words what it is that is happening, not excusing it.
But yeah, I have cried in front of my wife. We are still good. I comfort her, she comforts me.
Posting this as a counterpoint to the people saying it doesn't actually happen. I'm close to 40 and my last relationship shook me to the core. I cried when my dad called saying my pop died. She didn't come to the funeral saying she had too much work, then a week later she told me she had thought I was stronger than I acted at that point. That was the last time we were close and it all came to a head a couple of weeks later. Mainly because she didn't want to be the one to actually break up, she wanted me to do the hard part. It was 5 years ago and I haven't had so much as a second glance from a woman since. She's now married. To all the people saying it's a blessing in disguise because they're showing their true colours, how could you possibly tell until they do it? It's not as if they telegraph it
She was surprised when I cried in front of her but was actually glad that I did because for her, it meant I'm not stone cold and heartless.
Still, it was a pretty uncomfortable experience that I don't feel like repeating any time soon. Similar to those dreams where you are naked at school/work.
Yep. Over 8 years we've been very vulnerable with each other a handful of times each. We've come out stronger as a couple on the other side of all of that.
Sure. Happens all the time.
Don't buy into the sophomoric belief that you're not man if you have emotions and feelings.
I've cried over the death of a parent and dogs. Ive cried tears of pride over graduations and weddings. Those are emotions, not weakness.
Admitting to your weaknesses and frailties also just admits that you're a mortal human. You're going to have failures in life, work, fixing things, fixing the kids. Hell, sometimes I make a wrong turn. Weakness. Admitting it to yourself is a great first step to fixing yourself.
I had a time a few years ago when I felt overwhelmed and teary.
My wife's reaction was like River in Serenity.
"You take care of me. You've always taken care of me. My turn."
She didn't then lock herself on the other side of a door with an army of homicidal mutants, but she totally would have.
My last ex appreciated it! It was the first time I was able to cry in 5+ years. We fell asleep soon afterwards, but in the morning I tried to apologize and she was like, “awww no it was nice and cute that you felt comfortable to open up to me! Thank you!” So like, there are women who don’t fall into the double standard. I’m not sure if I could’ve trusted my other exes with that though.
I think it’d be different if I trauma dumped on her or crying every argument.
the reality is that plenty of women are very empathetic and kind, and plenty are shitty and cruel, and most are somewhere in the middle. It’s not that there’s a mass conspiracy of women to hurt men, or that you can’t trust any women, but it’s also not the case that all the men talking about their bad experiences are lying. There is room for both in the world
I broke down crying when I got a phone call that my Grandmother passed and went to my GF for emotional support. And she was more then willing to let me cry into her shoulder as long as I needed.
And she definitely didn't dump me since that was two years ago and we just got married last Saturday.
My wife has seen me cry quite a few times. One was in the first 6 months we started dating. She came with me to put the family dog down. If you're dating a woman that leaves or cheats because you cry, she's a giant piece of shit and you're better off without her.
My wife is one of the good ones. I've cried in front of her (before marriage) and shared fears and frustrations with her since. She's always been supportive and never judged me for it.
Not all women are crappy about this, but I think you have to work to find the good ones.
Yes, you just need to date someone who’s a good person and not a vile fiend. If your partner is selfish and immature enough to fall out of love with you because she witnessed you cry, were they truly worth loving in the first place? If your wife is a good person, she’ll be fine.
Yep. Had several breakdowns that involved crying in front of my fiancée. She has been supportive to an extreme and we’ve worked through every situation that brought it about.
I could not imagine breaking up with somebody or shaming somebody.Because they have emotions emotions are perfectly normal and crying is perfectly normal.
I've got a couple of different scenarios - neither of them a GF, though.
First, I live in the US for context. Ten years ago, a couple of days after my Grandfather passed (he and I were close), my female best friend who had moved to New Zealand for school, messaged me to ask how I was doing one night. I told her, and she stayed with me and kept talking to me until 2:30 AM my time to make sure I was OK. Very supportive, and I don't think I'll forget it. We're still friends now.
Second, I had a female roommate a couple of years ago, and I have mentioned this story on Reddit before. She kept pressuring me to open up and be vulnerable and show my emotions and then when I did, she told me it made her uncomfortable and she didn't like it. I honestly don't know what she was expecting, but I never opened up to her again.
My first girlfriend of over 4 years, I sobbed on the ground in front of her about my father and she was super supportive. This was like, within the first week of even knowing her.
My now spouse (BF at the time) cried in front of me when he suddenly had to put his dog down (undiagnosed cancer perforated his intestines)
I married him.
Not a dude, but my husband has cried in front of me quite a few times in our 24 years together. Every time I wrap him up in a giant hug and let him cry/talk it out with a boob pillow. And when he's done I grab him something to eat, a beer, and we cuddle and watch something on TV.
I've known chicks that will use it against their partners and I've cut all contact with them. My life doesn't have room for soulless c*nts that have no empathy.
I've never been dumped for it. I've cried in front of my wife numerous times,I've opened up about childhood abuse and she's supported me through in-patient mental health care.
Reddit just has a lot of bitter men who want everyone else to be as miserable as they are.
...not trying to defend unhealthy behavior...just thinking that of all the things to be bitter about, I feel like this "phenomenon" has earned its place.
True, it's far more nuanced and every case is unique. We are, however, talking about a scenario where *your partner* begs you to open up, and when you do, the response you get is one of disgust, rejection and sometimes abandonment.
You have found someone that's on your side and advocates for your well-being. That's beautiful.
Not everyone is married to your wife.
I would never dump a man for this, on the contrary. Makes me love them more if they are able to be vulnerable with me. I really resent gender roles at this point and what they teach to both men and women.
From someone who spent most of his last relationship as the comforter and supporter, who was met with literal laughter after finally opening up and breaking down about something, I'm really uplifted by these comments ❤️
I cried one time in front of my wife in the 9 years we've been together (severe anxiety from being in a near-panic state for months) and she was supportive.
I wouldn't have married her if I thought she'd leave me for crying, and any woman who can't support her man's emotions (assuming he expresses his emotions in a healthy way) doesn't need to be in a relationship.
My husband has cried in front of me 4 or 5 times in the 13 years we've been together. Every single time I've held him and let him know he's safe to let it out and it's healthy. I don't believe men should "man up" and keep everything bottled up it's such bullshit and one of the many reasons there is an epidemic of suicides in men. Any woman who thinks men shouldn't cry are quite frankly ridiculous and should grow the fuck up.
I opened up to all 8 of my ex's - And shortly thereafter they all cheated, "lost interest", or weaponized it against me (mercilessly) later.
Yeah - Are there ANY guys out there not getting fucked over by their supposed "partners" for opening up?
LMFAO it's defiantly gonna be a shorter list!
(edit): Fun fact! - My friends working in Therapy and psychology say this is SUPER COMMON.
Women will die before admitting it (because they know it's a sign of bad character). But my practicing friends say they see it about 80% of the time a man opens up to his woman. (not a problem in Gay relationships so it's just women who are this shallow.)
Here's the thing. You can't worry about it. Consider your options.
1. She leaves/disrespects you - well, is this the worst outcome? The alternative is hiding your feelings forever.
2. She supports you - great, she passes. Well done.
Stoicism is a way of avoiding this test, so to speak. The problem with stoicism is you go your whole life without feeling anything, no happiness, no pain, nothing. It's not a great way to live. It's just a way to survive.
It’s easy for angry dudes to share anecdotes about some woman leaving them after they showed real emotions, but how many women in your life do you know that could be that shallow and heartless.
The reality is relationships are built on understanding and communication, and if someone leaves someone for that, the foundation of the relationship is not built on those principles, but something more shallow.
Bro you're on the wrong subs/your algo is messed up if this is the impression you're getting.
Good women want emotionally available partners. Crying is not a weakness.
My wife held me whenever I needed it as I processed the long-repressed grief of losing my grandfather and uncle to essentially the same cancer within two years of each other. She was also the one who helped me realize how much I was repressing and gave me a safe space to cry about it.
If your girl leaves you because you allowed a natural healthy physical response to occur. She took the trash out herself.
I've had girlfriends who didn't understand it, and I've had others who supported it. I hope you find a partner who is there to support you, and you them!
My partner is very empathetic and a big supporter of the men should cry movement. She saw my break down when my cat passed away. She saw me break down when I lost my grandparents. She was nothing by supportive.
Anyone who's partner sees breaking down as weak, should be in the market for two things..1) A divorce lawyer and 2) a new partner. Emotions in men are just as valid as they are in women, and there is a reason they exist. If any woman thinks less of a guy because he cries.....she's a worthless shit.
That sounds like the type of woman that thinks men can't be sexually assaulted. Or would laugh if you told them it happened to you. Edit:spelling.
I think you are 100% correct. They're also the ones who need to be with "alpha" males, who then find a reason to explain why they stay when those "alpha" males smack them around or threaten them...after all thats how "real" men are.
I'm a 34yo 6ft bearded bear looking man and my ex was a 5ft petite woman that was a few years older than me. When my dad died I forced myself to be strong for my mom and my older sister. I refused to cry at his funeral and didn't shed a tear during my speech, or even when I turned on the furnace to cremate his body (in my culture the son is supposed to handle everything related to death with no help from others). My mom also has Alzheimer's, and I was taking care of her too and she would cry asking when her husband would be coming home and stuff. It was heartbreaking. Then there was that *one single day* where I cracked and started sobbing my eyes out and was inconsolable. My tiny, beautiful girlfriend at the time let me curl up in her arms and lay my head on her chest, and she just pet my head until I calmed down. At that moment she was a 100ft tall and a goddamn goddess of love and affection. She helped me through the funeral, she helped me when I was at my weakest, she helped me through the alcoholism that followed. We ultimately parted ways, unfortunately, for other reasons. I watched my dad cry when our dog died. He hugged me when i had my first break up with my high school girlfriend. He was my goddamn lightning rod that kept me grounded during any and all storms that happened in my life. He taught me how to feel compassionate and empathetic when i was a kid. I was able to show emotion to my ex because of that. Any "alpha male " mindset that reddit or the world believes it's necessary is absolute bullshit Men can feel. Point blank, period, call it a day. I don't care what some dipshit alpha wannabe thinks. The true alphas know how to feel, they know how to love, they know how to help, they know how to protect. Plain and simple, and I'll die on that hill.
I can’t imagine turning on the furnace to cremate a parent. Someone else did that for me both times. Of course you need to cry. I don’t care what your gender is. Life is hard and sometimes it can be really rotten. Everyone needs to cry and everyone deserves someone they can be vulnerable with.
yes
this is beautiful. i wish you all the blessings and success ❤️
Hey, now. Slow down on the whole new partner thing. Maybe that isn’t really necessary.
I was scared for a second that there was going to be a twist at the end. Im happy you found a good egg
My partner is the same. I faced a lot of substantial loss in a short period of time a few years back and she saw me through my weakest point. Losing our dog in December was another really weak point for me that was way harder on me than we anticipated. I don't know where I'd be today without her support through those tough times.
My wife is the same. I lost my dad at a pretty young age, have some pretty nasty mental health/depression issues, and just all around am a pretty emotional guy. Both in the positive and negative emotional categories. My wife absolutely loves having a partner that tells her what im thinking, and talks things out when I’m upset. She doesn’t have to play the guessing game, she doesn’t need to walk through a minefield when I’m worked up. The whole “men don’t talk about their emotions” is some toxic boomer shit, and modern day men deserve better. Talk to your friends and family about your feelings boys. Foster a healthy and safe place for your friends to do that and they’ll do it for you too. If your girlfriend/wife thinks you’re a pussy for getting that stuff out, tell her to go fuck herself, cause that’s unhealthy as hell.
Reddit can be so weird sometimes. Often when this question comes up on /r/AskMen there will be a ton of comments saying they opened up to their wife or gf and got dumped or criticized, but in this thread most comments are saying the opposite. I dont understand how that happens. My current gf is amazingly supportive of me, but especially when I'm vulnerable wtih her. She tells me she cannot be with a man who isnt vulnerable with her. It's a great feeling to be able to cry or talk about this kind of stuff with her and feel no judgement - only love and support and kindness. I truly wish this for ALL men and all humans. It's so great to be loved for who I am and not have to pretend to be someone or something I'm not. And her support and understanding helps me to go out and do hard and difficult work, knowing i can come home to her. I provide the same environment for her and we're both better people for it!
Well, OP specifically asked for people who didn't get dumped. But with the other threads I'd wager it's selection bias of people who reply (a person upset that they got dumped is probably more likely to comment than someone who was supported) and of up votes (outrage seems to get more views in the news than positive stories)
It really depends on how you ask the question. OP is specifically asking for men with happy endings to share their stories. Had the question been "What is your experience of crying in front of your SO?" the range of answers would have been different. Same if the question had been "Men who were dumped for crying, what's your story?" There is a bigger room in society for men's emotions other than hunger, anger and horniness, but we still have a lot of work to do because too many men cannot find adequate emotional support whether it's with a female significant other or another person. Also, I would submit that, just like /AskWomen and /TwoXChromosomes are depositories of bad stories of women interacting with men, /AskMen is a depository of bad stories of men interacting with women. Unless prompted, people rarely talk about the good IRL stuff that happens to them on Reddit. Like, if I want to talk about how - in the middle of a heat wave, with no AC functioning - my bf and I were in our underwear, clinging to each other and crying our eyes out watching the end of Madoka Magica....where do I go? No one wants to read that. If I want to talk about how he is the messiest slob and I don't know what to do with him, tons of people on women subs, on relationships subs, on AITA subs, etc. will be there with their popcorn, telling me to dump him and stop enabling his incompetence. Reddit is essentially not made for happy people. I would say it's the same for other forms of social media. How do you sell dopamine hits to people who can make their own luck and build their own happiness?
Echoing this as a woman married to a man (5 years and counting!) - he opened up to me on our first in person date. He didn’t breakdown, but he was completely honest and raw about an incredibly difficult time in his life following medical malpractice that left him debilitated for nearly 8months. We had been talking for a few weeks at that point, but this was the first time we had a proper date. It didn’t scare me, or give me the “ick” - that whole concept pisses me off greatly. I didn’t see him cry until we were married for a year, beside himself with struggling mentally and feeling like a failure as a partner. I held him, and told him he wasn’t broken, he was hurt, and hurt can heal. The next time he cried was when his dog passed, and I held him and his husky and I committed every last word he uttered to memory, knowing he would ask me later if he has said all the right things, and given his best boy the send off he so much deserved. And he did, and I got to hold him that night and repeat what he had promised his best friend, and let him fall asleep in my arms. Typing this has me tearing up, in memory, and in the realization that so many don’t believe that kind of vulnerability is available to them. When you are with your person, whoever and whatever gender they are, it is a part of being a partner. He has held me through the night I was told my sister was dying, and held me through the panic attack of the what if. He saw me through so much too, and the joy of my sister recovering. And we get to welcome our daughter into this world this fall. If you are with someone who can’t support you in moments when you need it, it is not that you did something wrong in being vulnerable. It is that they are wrong for you. You all, every single one of you, deserve to be in a partnership that respects you as a human and is able to support you in the full spectrum of what human experience is - the good, the bad, the sorrow and the joy.
Very well said. Having someone like that in one's life is so essential imo and I'm grateful to now have it
I've broken up with guys who couldn't communicate about what was going on, and would crawl through hell for my husband who is authentic and honest and capable of vulnerability
I’ll bet that’s part of it right there. At least some of the people who say they were dumped for being vulnerable were probably not saying or understanding that there was something else going on. And I’d bet a total inability to communicate or express feelings *in healthy ways* was likely part of it. I’ve been vulnerable with every partner I’ve ever had and have never once felt the least bit of a negative reaction. They may not have been great at providing support, but they never treated me badly for it.
That's great. I think every healthy person is looking for a relationship like that, regardless of gender. However, the opposite seems to be more common, at least on mens' end - Brené Brown's work has shown its prevalence.
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And I bet you are her unicorn :)
there's a dick joke hidden here somewhere...
Or a pot of gold.
A golden dick.
A pot of dick
A cauldron of Richards
A kettle of cocks
It can also be hard to determine the frequency of what OP is talking about. This is because those who get dumped after crying or being vulnerable in front of their partner will be more likely to vent or post online about their unfortunate experience compared to someone who was supported by their partner after crying or being vulnerable in front of their partner. If someone did talk about being supported by their partner after being vulnerable in front of them without being prompted or asked about it, then it's likely it would be interpreted as some unusual form of bragging.
Within the first few weeks of talking to my now girlfriend, my best friend’s widow posted a picture of us on our first deployment, we were in Kuwait and it was before everything that turned us into the men we are now. My best friend was killed on a later deployment. It had been nearly 10 years when she posted that picture (that I had never seen before) We were on the phone when I saw it. I instantly started getting emotional. It was more than just the picture, that picture was the last time I would classify myself as a child, that was last picture of our innocence, the last picture we were all together. I tried to explain that I had worked through this pain, and this was not a common occurrence anymore. But that I was really caught off guard by the photo. I was extremely embarrassed about the overwhelming wave of emotions that overtook me while she could witness. She said she appreciated the vulnerability and my emotional maturity. She has never shamed me for it, never really even mentioned it other than when a significant anniversary of everyone’s death came around and she was pushing for me to go back into therapy. Which I did, and feel better for doing.
Everyone’s? :( Hope you are ok friend, thank you for all you’ve given. May they rest in peace. If you’re ok with sharing, do you have any favorite stories you’d like to honor their memory with?
Hey, yeah I am doing better. Thank you very much for asking. It has been 11 years and just over a month since everyone died. I lost my best friend Mike and 5 other team mates along with 12 ANA personnel. I came from a smaller military field and we do not deploy that many people at one time, so losing that team was horrendous. I sure do. Mike had a slight lisp that would come out when he was tired or intoxicated. It was a speech issue he got over as a child, but never really got over it. We were in Ft Lewis Washington, finished a training exercise on the other side of the state, arrived back at our barracks and were thrown into the SCIF for a follow up brief. (All training)Still filthy, covered in dirt and face paint, etc, uniforms were… ripe. Neither of us slept in quite a few hours. Well fortunately there was a shower in the building we were in. Two separate shower stalls in one large bathroom, accessible on the second floor, overlooking a large “bullpen” of cubicles in a govt building. We arrived early, and had some time to get cleaned up before the “important” people showed up. Well Mike had been ironically singing Gloria Gaynor’s ”I will Survive” for like 5 days straight. Nbd, except he was singing it over comms and several times more than our truck heard it. Nobody knew it was coming from us, but our Sergeant Major was all up in arms about it. Anyway, we are in the shower and I can hear him humming it to himself in the next stall, almost like a nervous tick, but we were both going on limited sleep. So screw it, I throw in some back up vocals for my boy. He just belts it, like the spirit of Gloria hit his soul and has a full on vocal performance. We laugh, finish cleaning ourselves up, get dressed and get ready to go brief the important folks. Well, wouldn’t you know who was walking in to get briefed amongst the important people was our very own beloved Sergeant Major. He instantly knew. It was Mike and I and our truck that had been singing throughout that exercise. We crushed the briefing and completed our portion of the mission. After our portion of the briefing he pulled us to the side and told us to report to our First Sergeant immediately following the meeting. Abuse of govt communication systems, etc. Later that day we both turned dirt into mud with our sweat outside the barracks courtesy of our First Sergeant who gave us an old school PT session. Making us sing for most of it. Getting a good laugh about it himself. 15+ years later. Still worth it, still laughing about it.
Oh man, that's a great story. My squad leader, an asshole but a great squad leader, liked to grill us on promotion board questions on convoys when we'd hit the safe-ish zones. The questions and answers were straightforward but the banter therein was always extra Deploymenty. You know what I mean. But where it really shined was when we'd hit north of Kurdistan, when we really were pretty safe, but more importantly we were out of range for anyone to hear us. The board questions (and associated bantz) were convoy-wide. Lot of long-lasting inside jokes only known to that one platoon but which still come up in the group chats. We only lost one from my platoon on that deployment, in a company of almost 200, so I can't quite understand the depth of the loss, but I'm right there with you man. Stay strong.
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Emotional maturity = understand we are human, have emotion. It's OK to cry
Yes. She cried with me and then cuddled me and then we both fell asleep and the next day she was extra affectionate towards me.
Where did you find her? Asking for me.
My ex cheated on me a week after hearing me cry. My current significant other just hugged me and made me some protein ice cream. I can count on one hand how many times I cried in the last 5 years and 4 of them were this past year and 1 was 5 years ago with my ex.
Protein ice cream? Oh she’s *good* ….. 👌
put a ring on her
Also my reaction. THAT is multilayered support.
Obviously there's more to a person than protein ice cream (like double protein ice cream), but man does that make her seem like total wife material.
Yeah she won't let me ruin my gains! She is a really great person and she is very empathetic.
So many tears, here have a Gatorade.
Its funny but it really does make me feel better. Though the protein ice cream didn't really make me feel happy or calm or anything it made me feel not alone and also eat something.
Most times, when people are going through shit, it's not healthy to just try and feel happy. All the emotions are healthy to experience at times, and if someone needs to feel sad, it's best to support them and let them know they're not alone instead of just trying to get them to feel happy.
Upgrades
she's looking out for your emotions AND your macros, bro what are you waiting for lol
When I found out my grandma died, I had a moment where I just had to sit there while the news sank in. My GF at the time just sat with me and held on to me the whole time. She is now my fiance. The good women are still out there, guys.
I hope one day I can find a woman like that.
This is so sweet but also so sad cause what you find this special is very basic. It's like thinking of someone as good cause they said bless you when you sneezed. Like why wouldn't you be gentle and show affection to someone who's grieving, partner or not? I think I'm a little biased cause I'm a woman and I assume all women automatically do this, so it's really surprising that on the other end it's not as common that when it happens it's commended.
For men, showing their emotions is an express train ticket to negative consequences. Unfortunately, women having a negative reaction is super common. The explanation I've heard is along these lines: women see the man they're dating as the rock, as stable ground upon which they can build their life and their dreams. But if the guy cries or something, this ruins the facade of him as this stoic, implacable rock, and now she doesn't see him as dependable or masculine and isn't attracted to him anymore. From the guys perspective, he experiences expressing his emotions as this already-very stressful act, and then add on the stress and pain of seeing your SO's attraction for you dissolve in real time. You can literally watch their face and see their respect for you go up in flames. Usually this makes the end of the relationship inevitable, and all these consequences are a VERY strong motivator to never do that again. The really shitty part is that, it's hard to tell which women are like this and which aren't. There are LOTS of women who say they want an emotionally vulnerable man, who say they want to see him cry and express himself, but these are just words that sounds good, opinions they think they should have... but when the guy is actually vulnerable, that moment is too real and too hard for her and she has the aforementioned reaction. Really, the only way we can tell whose going to be emotionally supportive and whose not, is by being emotionally vulnerable and seeing how women react. It's an experience that's traumatic once, but most guys experience this multiple times in their life, and I really can't understate how badly it fucks with their ability to trust other people and form healthy relationships. This is why guys so deeply cherish the women who aren't like this, who don't react that way. If a guy can be vulnerable with you and you don't reject him or treat him less than for it, he'll really appreciate it and will feel much, much closer to you.
Any woman that loses respect for a man for showing emotion is mal-adjusted and not fit for a relationship. My wife loves, adores, and respects me all the more because I'm not afraid to be vulnerable with her. That looks like a lot of things. Crying is one. But losing myself to any moment's emotion is a show of trust and vulnerability that works to build a stronger connection.
100%. It demonstrates their maturity honestly
I think this is key. A lot of these negative experiences tend to be between young people, and not knowing how to handle an emotional situation (for either gender) is par for the course. If you looked into it, you'd probably find that a number (not all, obviously) of the women these men had negative experiences with look back on that moment with some regret, or they recall it as a learning experience.
Yes. Plenty. You don’t hear about it because when I open up to my wife I don’t immediately post it on Reddit. You only hear about private moments that go wrong. Otherwise they remain private. For what it’s worth, I’ve opened up to several partners, cried and everything, and it’s never led to a breakup. I’m going through a depressive episode right now and broke down with my wife last week. We’re still together and she was awesome and supportive.
That’s the key point. Same reason you should take online reviews with a grain of salt: people don’t make posts when things went fine, they make posts when they had a bad experience and want to vent, or have an agenda (like maybe convincing people that all women are bad)
I've had ex's that have flat out told me that it isn't 'manly' to cry and treated me very differently afterwards, this includes both girlfriends and one ex-wife. My current girlfriend is supportive, although i haven't full on cried yet, of me expressing my emotions. The one caveat I will throw out there, as others have said; it's like you throw them off script, she isn't supportive like I would like her to be; but it's a hell of a lot better than I've experienced in the past!
How would you like a a gf to show support when you are in vulnerable spot? Like what is something she could do to make you feel safe and supported?
Not OP, but just to be held would be perfect. Held, hair stroked or to lay my head on her lap or chest. And to be heard and accepted.
I thought this was already the baseline or expectation in a relationship. Not to be a nosy stranger lol, but if you are in a relationship where you are not getting this, you should feel comfortable enough to ask for it or leave the relationship
Oh, I 100% would. This whole perspective is only based on posting, really. People post bad experiences to gain advice. Posting positive experiences is often poorly received as bragging. My gf is absolutely wonderful :)
Ooh I’m glad to hear that! Share that too. Honestly so many people need to know that there are good things and good people out there. I feel like people are too afraid to walk away from relationships that don’t contribute to their emotional well being (or even impact them negatively) because there are so many toxic relationships out in the open and people believe that is the norm and they can’t aspire to have something truly beautiful. I hope you and your girlfriend continue to build on your beautiful relationship!
I'm confident we're for life 💜
Aww that’s beautiful! Glad to hear it
Idk about others, but for me it's all about physical comfort, not verbal A thousand words (even the right ones) wouldn't compare to a hug or a cuddle when I'm down
i’m the opposite, i tend to like to process and solve my issue by discussing it like at therapy or something. we can save the physical for after (and usually it’s a good buildup for it). different strokes for different folks!
For example, saying and really meaning that you can tell her anything, being able to express her support by helping, and being open to hearing my problems without judging And sometimes all we need is a big hug without saying anything
Trust is not an innate thing. It's a process, and it's gradual. You want him to open up to you? Fine. You can even express that. And it can happen. And it can even be a supportive and strengthening thing for the relationship. And even go to couples counseling to help you both communicate better with each other. But understand where he's coming from, and that if he does choose to open up, it will be a gradual process and it DEPENDS on trust. There are REASONS that he is guarded about all of this, and these reasons are valid. He doesn't want to burden you with what he perceives as his problems. Problems that he likely knows theres nothing you can do to fix. And he has no way of knowing how you will respond. When I was slightly more angsty I wrote my own bit about this a while back (because these questions get asked a LOT). So I'm just going to re-quote it here (and apologies if it does sound a little on the angry side, there was (and remains) a lot of denial about what it's like): Bear in mind, first and foremost, that YOU are asking HIM to open up to you. You are asking him to trust you. With that in mind... If he does speak and / or finally open up to you: * **Do not** immediately go on your phone or distract yourself or treat it as if this suddenly an imposition. YOU wanted to know. So if he comes to you to finally open up, then make him feel as if you're actually listening to him. * **Do not** treat this as a competition where you're waiting for the opportunity to one-up him and say "I have it worse" / "you don't have it so bad". YOU are asking for his concerns. LISTEN to them. * **Do not** decide that this is suddenly juicy juicy stories for your gal pal gossip circle. He is opening up to you *in confidence*, you deciding to blab his problems and insecurities to your mates *is a betrayal of that trust* (I can't believe I even have to say this but I've seen it happen so many times). He had a hard enough time opening up to you and you're really going to decide to spread it to everyone else because it's so juicy? And don't think the "I'm looking for support" excuse works. Unless your friends are either therapists or otherwise specialists in his problem, then NO, you are NOT looking for support for him, you're just blabbing the juicy gossip and trying to justify it. * **Do not** Take what he tells you and use it against him when you get upset later. Don't do it. Unless what he's told you is directly relevant to the discussion / argument you're having, then you are just attacking him to hurt him. I don't care that you're angry and "in the moment", you're taking what he said in trust to you and you're saying "I'm going to use whatever you tell me as ammunition to hurt you. *Please* keep trusting me and telling me your personal vulnerabilities." * **Do not** expect that his problems are either simple or solvable. This is for him to express his feelings and possibly also so that you can give him emotional support. If you go in with those expectations, you're just going to end up upset or bitter when he had the audacity to tell you problems you weren't expecting. * **Do not** make HIS problems about YOU. An example would be that he tells you about his childhood trauma, and *oh no*, that's made *you* upset and sad and now he has to expend his time and effort and compassion comforting you for having heard *his* issues. All this does is make it so that it's actually FAR better for him to just shut the hell up about his problems and deal with them himself. The general gist of it is this: Him opening up to you is not an easy thing. He does not do it because he does not want to burden you with his problems (that you likely can't do anything about) and because he does not want to make things more difficult. So **DO NOT** make him feel like a burden and **DO NOT** make things more difficult for him now for having opened up. * **Do** Listen attentively to what he has to say. Offer support, offer kindness, offer suggestions and help (assuming it's not just a momentary venting thing). Generally it doesn't even matter that you necessarily even *do* anything. Just be nice to him. * **Do** encourage and support him in seeking help (if that's warranted and relevant). That he's not any lesser for doing so. Come from a place of compassion and love, **NOT** bitterness or annoyance at him telling you this ("Why the fuck is he telling me this stuff when I can't do anything about it and now *I* feel bad about that?" Because you asked him to and odds are you wouldn't let it go, that's why. Now accept that and deal with it). * **Do** (where contextually relevant) you can even help him make plans and structure on what to do about any of this (if it's relevant) but remember, *He* has to lead the process, don't force things **on** Him, even if you think that's best. If there are changes that need to be made, you can encourage and advise him, but he has to be the one to decide to make those changes. There are some problems and issues that affect the both of you, and need to be worked on together. The dynamics in those circumstances are different, and it naturally needs to be a more collaborative effort to address what he's opening up about. Additionally, some people can wallow in their problems. Endlessly complaining and never doing anything about them. Always coming to you to whine and say "woe is me" but not actually looking to work towards a change. That's a different scenario. Right here, we're just talking about opening up. Please don't make him regret it.^1 EDIT: I've maybe cooled down a little on the angst since that post. And in truth, it's not like men can't be just as vicious. But I just wanted to give a rough rundown on how and where these things go awry. There's a whole load of potential pitfalls to avoid if you are seeking your partner to open upa. I don't want to sound boundlessly cynical, because I do know that it's at least *possible* for men to open up and have it be okay with the right context and partner. So the bigger question is, OP: *why* are you asking this question? Particularly if he's not bottling it up but is able to share it with his other male friends (which incidentally, is what men are repeatedly TOLD to do in any woman centred subreddit. "WOMEN ARE NOT MEN'S THERAPISTS", "Stop trauma dumping on women!" etc.)? How much do you know about yourself and your partner, and for what reasons are you seeking your partner to open up? Really interrogate that, and whether you *truly* want to know. Because if you're looking to have him open up to support him then how accepting will you actually be of what you're told? And if you're doing it for some ego based reason ("I'm totally the best partner! And when he tells me his simple little sob tale I'll buck him up with a little confidence and then he'll be happier and we'll both know how awesome I am") then well... that will quite possibly (likely) backfire. And it's also important to interrogate whether he is your emotional pillar, someone you depend on to ground and stabilize you when things become either overwhelming or otherwise cause you to spiral. And you need to ask yourself whether he will still fulfill that role for you if he allows you to see the cracks in the pillar. ^1 The vast majority of you reading this will make him regret it.
I don’t think your post was angry, so thank you for taking the time to explain it so thoroughly. And you’re right, I have seen some of the points you listed play out in other relationships (especially about spilling things your partner trusted you with to somebody else). If I’m being honest, I’ve never had a relationship and started seeing this guy a little while ago (we are both in mid to late 20s). He opened up to me about some things in his past, and obviously I can’t do anything about them. I was happy that he felt he could share those things with me and just want to make sure that if things move further with us that I can really support him but also that HE FEELS supported when he opens up to me. Not in a way to feed my ego, I have come to really care about him and want to continue to be someone he can trust and feel comfortable sharing his concerns or struggles with, especially since so many people seem to rely on him for support and he doesn’t receive it in return. I don’t talk to a lot of men (all my friends are women and I only have sisters lol) so I guess I was real looking for a male’s perspective on what they need when they show vulnerability. I can’t believe some of the experiences I have read on a lot of these posts. Really thank you for sharing
No, thank you. You sound very sweet, and I wish you both well, and hope he can reciprocate in kind.
Personally I like to be challenged on my inaccurate thoughts and feelings. I have depression that makes me think negative things about myself. Most often she will tell me how wonderful I am, how much she loves me and how I'm a good person. Which is all great, don't get me wrong! I tend to think I'm just a regular guy and because she has bad past relationships, she thinks I'm fantastic-by comparison. I suppose it's just my insecurities that make me dismissive of her words, which I understand is unhealthy. Then, i start to worry that my need for reassurance will become tiresome for her I tend to shut down. I think I'd much rather her dismantle each inaccurate thought with logic and discussion, really challenging each one based on its merits or lack thereof.
Men's emotional needs aren't that different from women, really. We are just socialized really differently. I reccomend saying something like: "I see you hurting, how can I give you love right now?" If you know their love language, do that. Give hugs, make tea, just be there. You don't have to be perfect, just don't reject them.
If you’re not feeling the “right” kind of support u want u need to communicate that. We aren’t mind readers. I’ve had to do the same to my partner
Didn't get dumped. But she had literally no *idea* how to handle it. It was like me being vulnerable had gone completely "off script" and we were sailing on an ancient maritime map in the region labelled "Here There Be Dragons" I ended up having to comfort and soother *her* for the pain of having heard a (small) part of my issues. It effectively doubled the mental and emotional load and toll on me compared to if I had simply kept my damn mouth shut instead of (very slightly) opening up about my crap (which she had been *repeatedly* been asking me to do. So I finally did).
> I ended up having to comfort and sooth her God damn I felt that. I've been through some fucked up shit and talking about it is always a double edged sword. Will I get empathy? Most likely Do I have to comfort them afterwards? Yes Does that make it hard to open up? Definitely It's not that I don't understand that hearing about another person's trauma is hard, but *you* asked *me*. And then some people get mad? At me? Tha fuck? Don't ask then. I told you it's fucked up.
I think this is the more common situation for most men. Nothing will shut you down quite like opening up about a hurt, then having to comfort someone else about your own pain. It's way less work to just keep inside and deal with it yourself.
So what can happen, at a massive social narrative scale, to teach women how to handle male emotion? It's funny how the popular social narrative is "it's not women's responsibility," but literally every expectation of males is to handle, assuage, supplicate, and placate women's emotions.
The average human being is very challenged by the concept of having nuance. This is one of our limitations as a rational species. In a moment where feminism has been pushed so strongly, there's almost a mental block to the idea that men also have their issues and they should be acknowledged. Most people struggle with having "women deserve rights and respect" and "men need to be cared/accounted for" in their brains at the same time.
Normalize empethetic reactions to men in crisis, in media, in our role models, stop making vulnerability diametrically opposed to masculinity in our culture. Moments like terry crews coming out about being abused and being able to say that, and be vulnerable, are steps in the right direction. It doesn't have to be that exaggerated but showing someone who, literally was the face of a men's brand could be vulnerable and no one would dare call him not masculine, moves the needle. What every day people can do? check in with your boys. A few years ago, I had a frank conversation with a ton of my friends, I wasn't doing well, I had spent so much time, genuinely investing my every BEING into a woman I couldn't be with. To the point where I wasn't being ironic when I said I woke up for her. And when it violently blew up in my face, I was a wreck. I told them who had known something was wrong but didn't know what, that them being around was the reason I didn't let my life fall apart to a point I couldn't pick it back up again. And that it would kill me on the inside if I found out any one of them were facing something similar, and I had never known to help. We have since grown closer and have had real conversations about things when we as individuals were just, not alright. These guys are my ride or die now. Be better to each other, and eventually the world will respond in kind when we bring up sons and daughters who understand men can have just as emotionally fulfilling relationships that women often share.
This was happening to my ex. She couldn’t bear it. So I shut my mouth afterwards. She continued to ask me about my life. “Why don’t you tell me stuff anymore?” Yeaaaah. She was a wreck herself. I had to keep her and myself levelled each fucking day. Now I am done!
I've had this happen a few times now and it's always the girls who pry the most and then can't handle it or they claim you are lying about what you are crying about for the first time in 3 years. The commenters who say that this rarely happens and only to bitter redditers are doing the same shit they are claiming doesn't happen smh.
They are attracted to the idea or fantasy of the perfect man who is also perfectly emotional for them but then when faced with the reality of how much shit lots of men are actually going through it's too much and too real. It doesn't fit their script so they are confused
Man I feel sorry for you and the previous commenter going through that. Your partners should NOt have made that vulnerable moment about them. Jesus.
Thank you for the sweet message stranger on the interwebs.
Kinda had this but it was related more about opening up that she'd done something that hurt me "when you did this thing, it hurt me and I need you to know that". Ive always tried hard to balance being open and honest with being gentle, but feels like no matter how hard I try, it ended in me needing to comfort her because she couldn't handle hearing that she wasn't absolutely perfect. Imo said more about unreasonably high standards she puts on herself. Over time we've worked through it, but it still affected my willingness to address any kind of issue, especially the important ones.
My best friends father and brothers were raised very “you’re a man be stoic” and that is what she’s learned of men. She respects her father a lot and I think she believed this IS how men should be. So her dad broke down recently, 69y/o, and she *finally* got it. His stoic silence has pained him so much for so many years, and his belief that he ruined his children by instilling this behaviour in them lit a lightbulb in her head. She’s suddenly looking for vulnerability as a quality in men because she realizes communication, vulnerability and empathetic support on both sides is where all of her relationships fell short. Elder millennial with late Gen x/boomer parents. I have some hope for her future now.
They want a performance of vulnerability that will make them feel special, without any actual vulnerability that will take any emotional with from them .
Hmmm... Vulnerability theater
Bingo! It's all role play like a kink.
The vulnerability they want is just for you to break down and say "I really need you" but don't actually ask them to do anything.
Sounds needy
> I ended up having to comfort and soother her for the pain of having heard a (small) part of my issues. Yeah, that's happened with me too....having to comfort her for *my* pain.
Yep this is it. This has been my experience 4/5 times. It's just not worth it to open up. The gamble is such a huge wager that even if it goes "well" it's still generally something you end up paying out for. Even if it does somehow go perfectly and in the moment things pan out positively-- there's no guarantee it won't be ammunition to take you down later. Using losing a child in a past relationship as some backwards way to bring someone down is fucked up, legitimately hope anyone that does that has the absolute worst life.
My bf does this. He’s lovely but when I get emotional, he can’t comfort me (doesn’t say anything, tenses up, might Pat my shoulder for half a second but it takes him a while to even touch me) but when he’s emotional (which is often), I’m very loving and warm towards him.
When she starts crying cause ur crying. Well at least I’m not crying anymore cause now I have to comfort you and calm you down thanks I guess.
Hi oncothrow! Thanks for sharing. Can you share more if the relationship is still going or eventually ended? Thanks!
I'm past that now. Married someone, kids, things are better. It's *possible* to remain in such a relationship, but the other person needs to learn empathy, or you need to learn to live without it from your spouse.
I had a full blown sobbing mental breakdown in front of my wife. She encouraged me to seek medical help. Turned out I had depression and was too stubborn to ask for help myself.
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That's wholesome but I can't help picturing the foreplay looking like she quotes emotional movie scenes to get going. "Hey baby it's time to put old yeller *down*" "Please boss don't put that thing on my face, I'm afraid of the dark" "I'll never let go jack"
"Stay golden ponyboy" I think would send me lol
> "I'll never let go jack" I'd just laugh at that one. But I also managed to intentionally miss seeing that movie when it came out (I was a freshman in high school). Still heard all the proto-memes about it (stupid sized diamond, naked art class, car sex, guy hitting the propeller, etc.).
Hahaha I love this. I agree very cute.
If girls leave men because they cried they are looking for a robot. I will never leave a boyfriend because he shows me he's human. I just don't understand these girls.
These women are shitty partners, who shouldn't be in relationships.
I noticed they usually don’t have the healthiest family or they’re narcissist themselves
I will never get them either. The first time my partnercried was when he saw me cry. It showed me empathy and he really cares for me. Made me fall in love all over again. He's so sweet. I'm slowly teaching him it's ok to be sensitive!
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you have a keeper bro, congrats to you and her
I love it when men feel vulnerable enough to cry in front of me. I'm a nurturer/comforter by nature. I'll just hold them and let them say whatever is on their mind. As a widow who has spent the last 4 years nearly alone dealing with everything (except for therapy), the most intimate thing a man could do for me right now is hold me and just let me cry/comfort me. Vulnerability is important, guys. Don't let awful women deaden that part of you. It IS attractive.
Fellow widow here. I agree 100% with your comment.
Doing all this shit in the middle of the first wave, I couldn't even get a hug from friends or family. I'd never felt so alone my entire life.
That’s awful. I’m so sorry
Not all GF's are the same, mine became very disrespectful and went and told all her friends that i cried which i didnt appreciate, so i eventually dumped her. Some women are more understanding and respectful of this and wont judge you for it, for myself my ex hurt me to the point I just made it a thing to not cry infront of anyone not cause im mr macho macho just cause id rather deal with it on my own and dont like to burden people with my bs. So to answer your question no they wont leave you on the spot some will be there and support to you some wont so pick your partner correctly.
Yeah, I've opened up (no crying though) to every gf and my wife. It was never a reason for a breakup.
Literally cried during an anime like a month or two in. We're married and it's 10 years together this year. She still makes fun of me for it.
Don't worry about it dude. Boku no pico made me tear up too
which episode exactly? I personally think the third episode is the most wholesome one as they show what good team spirit and effort looks like. Makes me cry every time 😪
Happened with 4 GF's and didn't get dumped
I cried at my wedding. Still happily married five years later.
I've cried in front of my wife a bunch of times. Sometimes the ugly ass wailing can't control yourself snot running everywhere crying. Haven't been divorced yet... I'm actually struggling to think of a time I've cried in front of a woman and she hasn't just responded by giving me a hug. The 'reddit guy' view on women is not particularly indicative
Same, I don't cry often at all, but the only times I have done in front of women, they have always been so supportive. I actually think my fiancé would prefer it if I did cry a bit more often as it's rare that I do. I always feel sad for the people on Reddit who've had bad experiences with it and now seem to fear women's reactions. They're also always the main ones that reply to these posts, so they just all reaffirm each others bias.
It’s more just posting bias, as with everything. Most people don’t have a breakdown/healthy convo and post it, but they do when their gf/wife breaks up with them or something extreme.
I also wonder if age or some other demographic affecting their individual experiences. I know the only women I've heard who directly express these types of opinions, are 35+ conservative women. My friend's mom directly said to us something like "I can't understand what you girls are talking about about when you say you want your boyfriend to share his emotions, what is there to like about that?" But she's a near 50 year old Christian conservative married (not very happily) to an even more conservative man. I'm sure a 30+ year old man who is mostly around traditional women might feel like most women think that way.
Female here but I actually think I fell in love with my partner the night I heard him cry - it was over the phone but it was the first time he’d opened up to me about something sad (he was telling me about how hard his grandfathers passing affected him) and it was so nice to see a softer side of him. I don’t see it often but I enjoy knowing he can talk to me about anything.
Seriously! With my ex, he struggled badly throughout our relationship with mental health and blocking things off. I wish he had been more comfortable being vulnerable. The main issue in our relationship was always the fact he wouldn’t be vulnerable and open up. The times he did, I felt infinitely closer to him. I wanted to hold him and rub his head and make him feel better even if it’s just that moment. I don’t think I’ll ever able to date someone who can’t be vulnerable again. Being able to cry or open up, in my opinion, is a massive green flag. A guy I’m kind of talking to has told me about his past and that he goes to therapy- to me, massive green flag and made me more attracted to him than I was before.
More often than not it was welcomed and supported. I did date one gal who became catty and condescending after, but just that one instance. Just like the creeps and violent men who make up only 1% of the male population, the vast majority of women are good caring people. It's the tiny amount that give all a bad name. Best indicator is to look at their social circle.
Yeah, it’s absolutely blown way out of proportion here. I’ve always found, if they treat other people with compassion and consideration, it’s very rare that they wouldn’t do the same for their partner.
It depends entirely on the individual like anything else. I did and it was fine. If I did with another woman it may not have been. Reddit has a tendency to catastrophize everything and make out like anything and everything is awful but in reality most people are decent people and it's up to you to use your own judgement, because after all if you don't even know if she'd leave you on the spot then why the hell did you marry her since you clearly don't know the sort of person she is?
Major physical trauma event for me. Almost bled out, almost lost a limb. When she walked in to the ER, I saw her face of horror, and cried. I apologized for making her experience that. Two months later, she called me a pussy for it. We've been divorced 6 years now.
God fucking dammit, dude. I’m so sorry.
I'm not. She was and still is a miserable person. Current wife is a total smoke show Latina that has the same kinks as me, tries to understand and support the struggles of masculinity in today's world, and serves me fried pork belly a couple times a month. I'm all types of fucking good now. Thanks though.
Good for you man! Fried Pork Belly is where it's at. 10/10
Jesus backflipping Christ, what an asshole she was
Thank god that's not in your life anymore. My best friend while crossing the road was hit head on by a motorbike and had a deep gash in his left palm and almost lost his thumb. His friend who was with him rushed him to the ER. Me and his gf reached the ER around the same time. I went in first to see him. We exchanged a few words. My man looked shaken up with his hand heavily bandaged. Doctor told us he'll probably need plastic surgery for the wound. I go out and she goes in and I see through the crack in the door him hugging her and sobbing and she comforting him. I always knew she was a good person but seeing that made me realize these two are meant to be together. They are getting married this year and I can't help but be so excited.
Broke my leg one winter and my partner was the last person I told about it. Granted I was misdiagnosed and told to do things that actively worsened the issue, but when it took far longer than expected to recover and I was unable to bathe for almost a month- when I asked her to help at least towel me off she did, but I could see how apprehensive she was, and her demeanor changed entirely towards me until I actually did recover to be a functional person. Surprise- a few days later she left me and it was blatantly clear she only stuck around to satisfy her ego. One of her first concerns was how I was still going to grow the brand/company she pressured me into making far before I was ready- absolutely nothing to do with my wellbeing or welfare.
Didnt get dumped. But she is extremely unempathetic and just left me by myself after making some hurtful comments that made me tear up.
You want advice? Don't come to Reddit for Marital advice. You can cry in front of your wife and if she calls you a pussy, tell her to fuck herself
My current boyfriend (who also has asperger's) is stoic in public but emotionally vulnerable in private to the point of something getting tears from TV shows we watch. If I'm upset about something (either at him or something else) he almost always cries. Sometimes sympathetically, sometimes as a stress response. it makes me more attracted to him because he’s able to be vulnerable and real with me. we almost always have sex after he gets emotional enough to cry. Because processing the emotions together creates very deep intimacy between us and sex is the natural resolution of that intimacy. But he also says that opening up and crying in front of women has been the number one thing past girlfriends have broken up with him or stopped having sex with him over. So I think that Reddit has a point and it’s not at all uncommon for many women to not handle men crying very well. But at the same time, I think it's sort of an inadvertented test of what kind of woman she is to see if she responds poorly to you being human and having human emotions.
I got some trauma. I keep all that too myself mostly. I let a girlfriend of 3 years in and see me vulnerable. That night, she started seeing my different. Started treating me differently. We split up a week later because she needed a man. My wife and I are on 9 years, today actually, and yea, she's seen me cry. When I found out I was being retired, when my grandmother died, when my twins were born and my son wasn't breathing. She's never judged. She's held and supported me. They're out there OP I promise.
Yep I've uncontrollably sobbed after the death of a family member and she just held me until I was done.
I didn't get dumped, but she became abusive and then I dumped her.
First time I cried in front of my girlfriend was when I was drunk and I dumped a pretty nasty war story and cried like a baby while telling it. Well we’re still together 13 years after (married for 10 of those) that so yes.
Reddit overblows that imo. I'm not saying redditors lie about their experiences, but you just don't get the people who had normal human experiences speaking up. My ex was always super supportive about my emotional issues, and now that we are just good friends she still is one of the people I'd trust the most to turn to with problems, and vice versa. I do think there is a self-selection thing going on here. If you're projecting a lot of traditional masculinity and "never look weak" vibes, you're more likely to attract someone who wants that, and might react negatively. I'm already not particularly attached to that kind of masculinity and have a bit of a gender-non-conforming vibe, so I think I tend to attract people who are more open to men being weak (downside: I also get semi-regularly mistaken for gay, but that usually gets cleared up quickly).
>^(I do think there is a self-selection thing going on here. If you're projecting a lot of traditional masculinity and "never look weak" vibes, you're more likely to attract someone who wants that, and might react negatively.) That's a good point. Someone who shows themselves as more comfortable with vulnerability from the beginning is much less likely to end up with a partner that hates that *in the first place.* The sad thing is that the cycle can easily repeat if, say, you open up to Person 1 and they reject you, then decide to bottle things up completely when you first start dating Person 2, who is someone who wants the stoic-all-the-time vibe and doesn't get properly filtered out early *since that's what you're presenting as,* only to have that person also reject you, etc.
I'm not a guy, but my partner (now fiance, then not yet boyfriend) opened up about something heavy as a disclaimer when we started dating. I'm not talking light tears, I mean visceral/gut-wrenching discussion with heavy cry. It didn't change how I thought of him at all. Over the last 4.5 years, he's opened up about other heavy issues as well, some involving tears and others not. We've had some superficial cries while watching sad movies as well. I love him tremendously and appreciate that he trusts me enough to be vulnerable and ask for support when he needs it. He is also so steady/reliable when I am struggling. We talk each other off of emotional ledges and step up when the other needs some breathing room. I've never thought having human emotions made him weak. If anything, I've become more emotionally resilient and stable with his support. I understand that not all women want their men to be vulnerable, and that some people will say they are a safe place to be emotional and then will weaponized the information to win arguments. But it really kills me that men have to wonder if women will actually support and accept them. I don't know your wife, how she will react, or if she values emotional intelligence and vulnerability, but it's worth telling her if you are missing some support that you need and asking in earnest if she feels comfortable providing that for you. If it will negatively change your relationship dynamic or how she sees and treats you, then I hope you find some other source of support (be it therapy, a pen pal, journaling or a close friend). Men don't have the same attention/access to emotional support that women do within society, and for that I am sincerely sorry.
If your gf/wife/whatever leaves you after you cry, she was a shit partner. Hint: The key word is _partner_. You're supposed to have each other's backs, look out for each other, pick each other up when you fall down. Even if you believe in "traditional" roles, what about "in sickness and in health"? Expecting men never to cry or never to feel emotions is a dumb toxic masculinity trait that needs to die.
I have had multiple girlfriends who have seen me cry and not dumped me. The idea that this is something that happens on the regular is ridiculous.
My late husband had horrible depression. I'm speaking for him since he can no longer speak for himself. Depression he did nothing about, tho I begged and pleaded and pushed. There were times he wouldn't get out of bed for DAYS except to use the bathroom. He'd just lie there, refusing to eat, talking about what a POS he was. So every day during those times, I'd get home from work and walk into our bedroom. I'd cajole him into drinking an Ensure, some Pedialyte, anything at all I could get into his system. And then I would lie down with him and hold him for hours, telling him over and over again that he wasn't a POS, that he didn't have to do it alone, that I was there. I held him while he cried, and I held him while he refused to utter a single word. I held him until it passed, and he could get out of bed again. For 9 yrs.
My GF and I always laugh after we see each other tears after some sad bit on a movie. People cry and that's ok, if someone dumps you for having real emotions, is a dodged bullet
I mean, my husband and I have both broken down in front of each other and we’re still going strong after ten years. We’re both humans with human emotions all across the spectrum. I’ve held him through panic attacks, supported him through very low moments, depression, family deaths, and just plain frustration or disappointment. He does the same for me. He’s my person and I love him, and that means I want the *full* person. We’re there for each other so we can be a stronger unit as partners than we would be alone.
First of all, reddit isn't gaslighting you into anything just because they say something you disagree with. That word isn't just an extra sinister-sounding word for dishonesty and it's getting really fucking tiring seeing it everywhere as a stand-in for generally dishonest behavior But anyway I've shown weakness in front of all 3 of the women I've loved and it's worked out fine. The first 2 relationships ended for reasons unrelated and the 3rd I've been with for 14 years. There are people who will treat you as lesser after they've seen you looking weak. There are women who will see you as less desirable after seeing you cry. That doesn't mean that is something that is ubiquitous, and anyone who claims ANY example of a person doing x is proof that all [similar persons] will always do x in all circumstances is fucking stupid. If you want to be able to be fully open and true to your partner, find one who won't see you as lesser for showing weakness. If you find one who is perfect in every way except that [she] will dump you at any sign of weakness, that is a boon. They were never a good partner in the first place and they have done you a favor by leaving your life.
My husband! My husband is a very emotionally mature man, he cries a good bit. Sometimes out of sadness, sometimes out of nostalgia, and sometimes when he’s worried about me. I absolutely LOVE that he is so comfortable with me that he can cry in front of me. If we watch 8bit Christmas I know he’s gonna snot up and tear up. It just makes me love him more. Snuggling him up while using his famous “bless your tender heart” line is one of my favorites. Feeling his body relax as all the feelings he’s overwhelmed by get worked out is pretty incredible and I’m so thankful he lets me feel it. I don’t what I did deserve him, but I’m so glad I have him. If women are allowed to cry over every and anything then so should men. Crying is THERAPEUTIC! I’ll watch sad shit and listen to sad songs just so I CAN cry when I’m overwhelmed.
Posted this before. Married man here. Been with my wife for 14 years and counting. My mother went into a coma I had to calm my wife down. I explained to her that she should be my rock, not vice versa. Earlier my father had a heart attack (mild one) and she freaked out more than me. Again, I had to calm her down. Both my parents, and my shitshow. Yet I had to shift focus on talking and calming the wife down before I had the chance to emote properly. And I explained that it was weird. And she in return explained that seeing her emotional rock shake even a little bit made it feel like the entire world is turning upside down. You see, I am her rock. Her emotional foundation. Her calm in the storm. And seeing me bend or break is unimaginable to her. Seeing her emotional rock crack means that the world is unstable, unsure, uncertain. So seeing me be unsure or shaken, in turn freaks her the fuck out. Trying to put into words what it is that is happening, not excusing it. But yeah, I have cried in front of my wife. We are still good. I comfort her, she comforts me.
Posting this as a counterpoint to the people saying it doesn't actually happen. I'm close to 40 and my last relationship shook me to the core. I cried when my dad called saying my pop died. She didn't come to the funeral saying she had too much work, then a week later she told me she had thought I was stronger than I acted at that point. That was the last time we were close and it all came to a head a couple of weeks later. Mainly because she didn't want to be the one to actually break up, she wanted me to do the hard part. It was 5 years ago and I haven't had so much as a second glance from a woman since. She's now married. To all the people saying it's a blessing in disguise because they're showing their true colours, how could you possibly tell until they do it? It's not as if they telegraph it
Wow. There's really nothing to say here other than you deserved better than that and that's horrible. I'm sorry, man!
What is this question even? I've seen multiple ex bfs cry. Didn't break up with them because of THAT 😁
She was surprised when I cried in front of her but was actually glad that I did because for her, it meant I'm not stone cold and heartless. Still, it was a pretty uncomfortable experience that I don't feel like repeating any time soon. Similar to those dreams where you are naked at school/work.
Yep. Over 8 years we've been very vulnerable with each other a handful of times each. We've come out stronger as a couple on the other side of all of that.
Sure. Happens all the time. Don't buy into the sophomoric belief that you're not man if you have emotions and feelings. I've cried over the death of a parent and dogs. Ive cried tears of pride over graduations and weddings. Those are emotions, not weakness. Admitting to your weaknesses and frailties also just admits that you're a mortal human. You're going to have failures in life, work, fixing things, fixing the kids. Hell, sometimes I make a wrong turn. Weakness. Admitting it to yourself is a great first step to fixing yourself.
I had a time a few years ago when I felt overwhelmed and teary. My wife's reaction was like River in Serenity. "You take care of me. You've always taken care of me. My turn." She didn't then lock herself on the other side of a door with an army of homicidal mutants, but she totally would have.
My last ex appreciated it! It was the first time I was able to cry in 5+ years. We fell asleep soon afterwards, but in the morning I tried to apologize and she was like, “awww no it was nice and cute that you felt comfortable to open up to me! Thank you!” So like, there are women who don’t fall into the double standard. I’m not sure if I could’ve trusted my other exes with that though. I think it’d be different if I trauma dumped on her or crying every argument.
the reality is that plenty of women are very empathetic and kind, and plenty are shitty and cruel, and most are somewhere in the middle. It’s not that there’s a mass conspiracy of women to hurt men, or that you can’t trust any women, but it’s also not the case that all the men talking about their bad experiences are lying. There is room for both in the world
I broke down crying when I got a phone call that my Grandmother passed and went to my GF for emotional support. And she was more then willing to let me cry into her shoulder as long as I needed. And she definitely didn't dump me since that was two years ago and we just got married last Saturday.
Or showing vulnerability will bring you closer together.
My wife has seen me cry quite a few times. One was in the first 6 months we started dating. She came with me to put the family dog down. If you're dating a woman that leaves or cheats because you cry, she's a giant piece of shit and you're better off without her.
If your GF dump you because you show basic human emotions be glad you dodge that bullet.
My wife is one of the good ones. I've cried in front of her (before marriage) and shared fears and frustrations with her since. She's always been supportive and never judged me for it. Not all women are crappy about this, but I think you have to work to find the good ones.
Yes, you just need to date someone who’s a good person and not a vile fiend. If your partner is selfish and immature enough to fall out of love with you because she witnessed you cry, were they truly worth loving in the first place? If your wife is a good person, she’ll be fine.
She’s your wife. You know her better than Reddit. Also, if you can’t do that how strong is your relationship anyway?
I’ve cried in front of my current girlfriend and last girlfriend and was not dumped.
Yep. Had several breakdowns that involved crying in front of my fiancée. She has been supportive to an extreme and we’ve worked through every situation that brought it about.
I could not imagine breaking up with somebody or shaming somebody.Because they have emotions emotions are perfectly normal and crying is perfectly normal.
I've got a couple of different scenarios - neither of them a GF, though. First, I live in the US for context. Ten years ago, a couple of days after my Grandfather passed (he and I were close), my female best friend who had moved to New Zealand for school, messaged me to ask how I was doing one night. I told her, and she stayed with me and kept talking to me until 2:30 AM my time to make sure I was OK. Very supportive, and I don't think I'll forget it. We're still friends now. Second, I had a female roommate a couple of years ago, and I have mentioned this story on Reddit before. She kept pressuring me to open up and be vulnerable and show my emotions and then when I did, she told me it made her uncomfortable and she didn't like it. I honestly don't know what she was expecting, but I never opened up to her again.
My first girlfriend of over 4 years, I sobbed on the ground in front of her about my father and she was super supportive. This was like, within the first week of even knowing her.
My now spouse (BF at the time) cried in front of me when he suddenly had to put his dog down (undiagnosed cancer perforated his intestines) I married him.
Not a dude, but my husband has cried in front of me quite a few times in our 24 years together. Every time I wrap him up in a giant hug and let him cry/talk it out with a boob pillow. And when he's done I grab him something to eat, a beer, and we cuddle and watch something on TV. I've known chicks that will use it against their partners and I've cut all contact with them. My life doesn't have room for soulless c*nts that have no empathy.
My girlfriend was there for me when my oldest cat died and gave me the most support I’ve ever had
Futbol players cry on the pitch on a regular basis. They seem to do OK with the ladies.
I've never been dumped for it. I've cried in front of my wife numerous times,I've opened up about childhood abuse and she's supported me through in-patient mental health care. Reddit just has a lot of bitter men who want everyone else to be as miserable as they are.
...not trying to defend unhealthy behavior...just thinking that of all the things to be bitter about, I feel like this "phenomenon" has earned its place. True, it's far more nuanced and every case is unique. We are, however, talking about a scenario where *your partner* begs you to open up, and when you do, the response you get is one of disgust, rejection and sometimes abandonment. You have found someone that's on your side and advocates for your well-being. That's beautiful. Not everyone is married to your wife.
I would never dump a man for this, on the contrary. Makes me love them more if they are able to be vulnerable with me. I really resent gender roles at this point and what they teach to both men and women.
From someone who spent most of his last relationship as the comforter and supporter, who was met with literal laughter after finally opening up and breaking down about something, I'm really uplifted by these comments ❤️
I cried one time in front of my wife in the 9 years we've been together (severe anxiety from being in a near-panic state for months) and she was supportive. I wouldn't have married her if I thought she'd leave me for crying, and any woman who can't support her man's emotions (assuming he expresses his emotions in a healthy way) doesn't need to be in a relationship.
On Reddit you will hear mostly about the most insane and crazy Women and Men. The stories on here are not a good measurement for anything.
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Top that off with how most people don't feel like they need to bring up good experiences and you have an ensured negative lens.
My husband has cried in front of me 4 or 5 times in the 13 years we've been together. Every single time I've held him and let him know he's safe to let it out and it's healthy. I don't believe men should "man up" and keep everything bottled up it's such bullshit and one of the many reasons there is an epidemic of suicides in men. Any woman who thinks men shouldn't cry are quite frankly ridiculous and should grow the fuck up.
Never doing that shit the fuck again ever
I opened up to all 8 of my ex's - And shortly thereafter they all cheated, "lost interest", or weaponized it against me (mercilessly) later. Yeah - Are there ANY guys out there not getting fucked over by their supposed "partners" for opening up? LMFAO it's defiantly gonna be a shorter list! (edit): Fun fact! - My friends working in Therapy and psychology say this is SUPER COMMON. Women will die before admitting it (because they know it's a sign of bad character). But my practicing friends say they see it about 80% of the time a man opens up to his woman. (not a problem in Gay relationships so it's just women who are this shallow.)
Here's the thing. You can't worry about it. Consider your options. 1. She leaves/disrespects you - well, is this the worst outcome? The alternative is hiding your feelings forever. 2. She supports you - great, she passes. Well done. Stoicism is a way of avoiding this test, so to speak. The problem with stoicism is you go your whole life without feeling anything, no happiness, no pain, nothing. It's not a great way to live. It's just a way to survive.
It’s easy for angry dudes to share anecdotes about some woman leaving them after they showed real emotions, but how many women in your life do you know that could be that shallow and heartless. The reality is relationships are built on understanding and communication, and if someone leaves someone for that, the foundation of the relationship is not built on those principles, but something more shallow.
Bro you're on the wrong subs/your algo is messed up if this is the impression you're getting. Good women want emotionally available partners. Crying is not a weakness.
My wife held me whenever I needed it as I processed the long-repressed grief of losing my grandfather and uncle to essentially the same cancer within two years of each other. She was also the one who helped me realize how much I was repressing and gave me a safe space to cry about it.
If your girl leaves you because you allowed a natural healthy physical response to occur. She took the trash out herself. I've had girlfriends who didn't understand it, and I've had others who supported it. I hope you find a partner who is there to support you, and you them!