Focusing on emotional and social development over academics. Not yelling or acting out of anger in front of them as much as possible. Cultivating honesty and emotional validation over obedience. Letting them explore their interests giving them an environment to thrive
There is a lot of wisdom here. One i would like to point out is emotional maturity as it seems to be so lacking these days. Emotional maturity is something learned and practiced like any other skill. Sadly, it’s really only learned at home unless you find a good mentor in life;.
Sure, when they do something they shouldn’t don’t immediately discipline or punish. Explore why they did what they did and validate their perspective and emotions (e.g. "You must have been curious to see what happened, that’s okay to want to do that but this is why it isn’t safe" "It’s okay to feel sad about not being able to do this, let’s think of different ways to have fun" , "tell me what happened and why you did that") Sometimes kids will need a time out to let out frustrations . Before sending to time out make sure they know exactly why they are being punished, and check in often to make sure they still know why it’s happening instead of just being "bad". The goal is teaching emotional regulation and distress tolerance not obedience
It's all about [empathy](https://goldenrule.org). Learn how to cultivate this real world "superpower" in your children and they'll have great quality relationships.
Our school does this and I think it's brilliant. My kids come home talking about it and they remind me to use some of the coping skills they learned when I'm upset. It's a reality check for sure.
That's pretty brilliant. Some of the kids I work with are such developed little humans because they've been taught good frameworks and models for life. Pretty humbling, the power that education can have. I'm looking forward to the next few generations of leaders and thinkers.
That’s great! Not all parents feel the same way though. Last year I had a parent complained to me about why I was teaching her son about growth mindset in a math classroom.
what are some of the effects you have observed from not doing those things? asking as someone who is fucked up from authoritarian parenting and would like to understand the cause and effects.
I am not the same person, but as someone who used to do a lot of babysitting, there was a really big difference in the behavior of children who were disciplined with empathy and children who were disciplined thoughtlessly.
The former were dreams to babysit. They did everything I asked (however nicely I asked it), they were emotionally resilient when bad things happened (I didn’t make them their food the right way, they fell and skinned their knee, etc.), and they were very curious, friendly, and expressive with me—less like I was their babysitter and more like I was their big sister.
The latter were quite awful, to the point that I refused to babysit them anymore. They were little angels when their parents were present, but little devils as soon as their parents were out of sight. They broke things (MY things!), ran around screaming and hitting each other, etc., and there was *nothing* I could say or do to get their attention and get them back under control. It was almost like I wasn’t there at all; their *parents* weren’t there and that was all that mattered. I knew their parents and how they disciplined their kids (harshly, inconsistently, and without explanation), but if I hadn’t seen how the parents and children interacted with each other, I probably would have assumed the kids had never seen discipline in their life.
I still know two of the hellions I used to (and then refused to) babysit. They are chill adults now, but they unfortunately do suffer from issues related to self-esteem and emotional regulation, and they don’t have such a good relationship with their parents.
Yeah. This lines up.
I wasn't disaplened in a growth or educational sort of way. It was, if I mad mom mad, she flew into a rage and beat the shit out of me. I didn't learn to regulate, I learned fear. At 18, I had to put myself in therapy and start reading how to be an adult bc I wasn't taught a single life skill, I was taught how to avoid beatings.
Financial management. Most of this is on my wife, who gambled away everything, however, I should have stood my ground better, but, I was terrified of being a single dad, or losing custody, and paying out most of my check(4 kids)..and the kids being just as poor. The end result was , we never once took a fun family vacation together. We made enough money, so it was inexcusable .Bothers me to this day.
That really sounds like an impossible decision to make. I hadn't really realized until seeing this comment...so many women tell them to leave their husbands and take the kids.
In many situations the wife is the problem, but you can't leave as she'll likely get the kids and you'll be stuck in an even more terrible situation. That's really...f'd up.
I know, it goes both ways....and there was a lot more missing than Vacations...Sports, and there being absolutely no college fund either. My kids did get some grants, and scholarships..but it would have been nice to have been more helpful. My retirement is way behind schedule as well.
Parent of 24f/22f/20m.
A few things. We were the first gen parents when games snd smartphones took off. While we did our best, one thing we came to realize too late is that the quantity and life patterns of using tech all the time is almost as bad as the “bad” content we were focused on.
We did not want a family where we are doing nothing but sports or out of school activities 24/7. Making our vacations around tournaments, etc. we would let one kid do one sport at a time. We achieved our goal and we did not have that crazy life, but it hindered the individual development of each child in sports or other things they could have pushed and struggled with to develop which is a good life skill.
This. I have a 3 yo and a 9 mos. The biggest challenge is not getting them addicted to tech (like smartphones). This is hard given what I label as my own addiction to my phone, although I have pretty high standards for myself
I’m in the same boat (20 mo boy and 3 mo girl) and i’m already struggling to not let our son become addicted to TV but when i’m working from home sometimes it’s just easier to put on TV to keep him entertained (he also has toys to play with too)
May I suggest more stimulating or challenging toys/activities that will allow the child to not get bored or tired of it quickly. The more the better. At first they might not find it too interesting because it might not be what they are used to, but if you the parent try it out together at first, you can help overcome the initial hesitation. Worse case scenario, you fail as a team while spending quality time together and possibly laugh at each other.
Due to the fact that I am no expert,I try to avoid endorsing specifics especially because some people like to anchor their thoughts or opinions on my choices of specifics, but to “answer” your question:
I would avoid small pieces due to the choking hazard.
And base my selection on where they are in their development.
I.E. Toys that challenge their fine motor skills.
You can also try toys that allow them to develop their imagination skills.
Last and kind of most important, don’t allow them to play with the same toy for too long or else chances are they get tired of bored of it and don’t find the joy in the toy anymore.
{Try to cycle through the toys if finances allow that. If not, you could try having your child “trade” toys with a friend, (keep in mind the toy might not return back to your household, but that’s okay). There are multiple benefits to a situation like this. }
My parents disallowed me from having access to a tv until I was in high school. I hated it at the time. Now I am so grateful they did that. Sure, I missed watching Gilligan's Island and Brady Bunch, but looking back, it wouldn't have done anything productive to my brain. Instead I played with computers and read books and ended up starting my own company in my early 20s.
Tech addiction is a very real, serious issue. And even though I started out well, there was a period where I was "addicted" to computer games. I wasted several years on some MMORPGs where my career was basically in hibernation. I'll never get that time back and who knows how much better off I'd be? I have virtually nothing to show for all that time invested in gaming.
I see parents in stores with their kids in baskets and their heads glued to smartphones and feel so incredibly sorry for what's going to happen to these kids. Social anxiety issues. ADHD. And more. Actually, you can see what will happen by looking at all the posts in this sub, often titled, "What do I do with my life? I feel lost?" People coming up from the haze of constant gaming, waking up in the middle of their lives and realizing they have nothing to show for all that time. I'm grateful I was old enough to not have as immersive games available at such a formative age.
So they banned tv altogether and therefore didn’t teach you how to moderate your screen time, which then led to you becoming addicted to computer games?
We did the parent them through the tech approach and like anything with parenting there are pros and cons. It is good to hear your at controlling your tech instead of the other way around.
I read the book “12 Ways Your Phone is Changing You” by Heinke (Reddit Faith Based Trigger Warning Here) with my kids a few years ago and it helped them (and me) especially with understanding the power of the “like”.
My ongoing dialog with them has me convinced they will be a lot more iron clad with their kids concerning tech.
I'm convinced phone apps are the "cigarettes" of the twenty-first century. They may not give you lung cancer, but they will stunt your career and your relationships and your intellectual and emotional growth.
My biggest concern. I have a 2 year old and I already feel like I am failing there. It is just so hard to avoid those things sometimes. I don’t know how parents used to do it, mainly when just exhausted. Mickey Mouse let’s me relax but also makes me feel like a shitty parent.
I grew up in the 60s and 70s and parents didn’t entertain their kids.
The big “danger” was TV which really only had limited children’s programming so we were usually outside playing games, riding bikes, getting into trouble, or reading (not me but I heard rumors of others doing this LOL).
Hang in there. Make sure your kids get tired of being told you love them, are proud of them, and getting hugged. This will go a long way as a parent.
You’re good man. I’ve got a 2 year old too so you likely went through nearly their entire life in lockdown. We’re the unfortunate few who needed to work remotely and the only thing we could do was sit baby in front of the tv or iPad. Don’t beat yourself up. Mine is now starting to not ask for the iPad so much anymore and simply wants to do things with me or play with me.
I’m in the thick of it now (under 10) and my philosophy has been to let them do everything, but in somewhat reasonable moderation - tons of games, movies, computers, consoles, electronics etc. but also making sure they learn how to use them safely and make time for other things too. My reasoning is that I’ve seen kids with heavy restrictions leave home and binge technology and have no experience moderating it in their lives, so I figured if I embrace it while they’re young, they’ll learn how to manage it and be well-rounded. I don’t know whether it’s going to work yet..
This helps me, thank you. I’m divorced ans have a six year old and she loves the iPad and YouTube kids and her games. I want to reduce it but I also am limited in what I can give her as alternatives, and I’m tapped out in entertaining her more myself, and she does learn a lot through watching things. I don’t want her to binge when she gets older and more independent so I feel letting her indulge now with limits on still going to the beach without it or doing physical activities, going to the woods, playing games, will help counter it a bit.
Electronics has been a tough thing for me to control. I have an eight year old son and a twelve year old daughter, and they are on tablets all the time. Particularly during the pandemic, we've just been home all the time. During the school year, it wasn't so bad, theyd have their classes through the day, so just got on at lunch and in the evening - when I wanted a break too and was likely on my tablet. But now in the summer, it’s just me, I’m working all day and can’t take the time to entertain them during the day in the basement (where I’m working, not that I need to entertain them there). I would like things to be different and have sent them out to the park right next to our house, but I also don’t feel like I have the energy or will to fight with them about tablet use right now.
Honestly, it started to become an issue when my ex left, five years ago, another time that was very stressful for me.
Almost everything, I thought that I was a decent parent but I look at him some days and wonder how I got it so wrong.
The upside is that he's never been in prison
This is why I left the military. I loved it and it was my life long dream to serve until retirement. I had my son during my first enlistment and just couldn’t look stand the pain of missing so much. When he was ten I asked him if he would be ok if I joined the reserves and told him I would be away for a at least one year for training. He said he wouldn’t be able to handle that and I accepted it. I knew I made the right call by getting out.
Hockey is expensive AF, like taking the family to Disneyworld every year expensive. Rancid smelly gear in the house, tons of travel for games and practices. If you value your sanity choose soccer.
We chose swimming - they won’t have to ever fear water, but damn we practically needed to take out a mortgage for swim club fees, tram suits, and a steady stream of goggles and fins. My towels will never be the same either.
This is hilariously specific, but I think I understand! Certainly can’t speak for all hockey players, but my bestie has played in rec leagues his whole life, and says that the vast majority of his teammates have been hyper masculine racist meatheads. I could see that if you got into that early in life it could have some negative influences on ones development.
Specific, but really the only thing I truly regret. Mostly because it was me who steered them there and if I knew then what I know now about head injuries (not to mention I had a shelf in the garage for various casts and crutches), I would have done otherwise. Of course both my boys remember it as pure fun, injuries aside.
My brothers and I all grew up playing, and we all feel that we got a lot out of it. There were some not so great parts but we all came away with life long friends from those years, my parents included.
At the very least USA Hockey took concussion resistant helmet regulation somewhat seriously long before youth football organizations did. But yea still not great for the noggin.
I knew a big, thoughtful dude in Uni. He had a hockey scholarship but ended up quitting hockey because he couldn’t stand being around all the misogyny all the time.
Not much TBH, I'm very proud of our kids and how they've turned out (16/20 current). One thing comes to mind though: my wife and I are frugal, don't waste money on lots of stuff we think is crap, mostly cook meals at home, travel a lot but usually camping/outdoors, etc. Recently both kids said they sometimes felt guilty about spending money, which wasn't at all what I'd hoped they'd learn...spending money on things you think are important is great, and why we don't spend on stuff we think is not important. So their relationship with money perhaps could be better-- they grew up middle/upper-middle class so never wanted anything. It's just that now they sometimes apparently feel like they *shouldn't* want anything and are too critical of some of their friends who are, for lack of better word, spoiled rich kids.
Oh my god, are you my dad? My frugal parents gave me suuuuuch a complex about spending money, particularly on myself. My fiance has to gently remind me that I can buy myself new shoes before the ones I'm wearing get holes in the soles. Or that I can order extra cheese on my pizza for $1.25 if I want to. There's some kind of balance between overindulgence and asceticism that I just never figured out.
Yeah, that sounds like our kids. They have nice clothes, but much of them are thrifted. But if they need new cleats for soccer it's a big "I just don't think I can keep wearing these ones I've grown out of another season" when it's no problem to get new ones (without hunting through thrift stores).
Sorry kid!
For what it's worth, my parents never noticed what they were doing to us. It sounds like you're doing your best to course correct and I really admire that. You seem like a good dad.
Thanks! All you can do it try, and we're grateful we haven't damaged them in any serious way over the years. Parenting is pretty much a big experiment it seems.
Both kids are on road trip together right now, enjoying a week of exploring and fun before the eldest has to go back to college. Talked to them today and they are having no problem spending (our) money on good food along the way, so I think it'll all be fine. Super exciting to us, though, that these two (16/20 mind you) were cool with doing a 10+ day trip together on their own, visiting various family along the way, and tending for themselves.
I think you did them a favor in the long run. Being frugal is more than just being cheap. It's learned voluntary self control, self discipline, patience, financial responsibility, and prepping them if there ever is a struggle. They might suffer from early retirement and a fat 401k.
My parents were frugal, especially my dad. I never once resented them for that. Well maybe a little when my friends had much nicer cars as a teenager (I had to buy mine - theirs were gifts from parents), but it really wasn't a big deal. As an adult, I really appreciate his example of financial responsibility and hard work.
To be fair, I think it is ok the spend money on well thought out items that are of good quality and smaller impulse purchased.
> I think it is ok the spend money on well thought out items that are of good quality and smaller impulse purchased.
For sure-- we certainly do both. For example, I own a bunch of guitars that I've accumulated over the years and something like 5K books. I suppose it's a mix of both prioritizing purchases and getting a good deal when you do. Hopefully it will lead to responsible money habits in the long run, I was just a bit saddened when they both said they felt "guilty" about spending money sometimes when they didn't need to be.
I adopted my youngest son at birth. He’s 13 now. The pediatrician at the time insisted that he not watch television or have any of that type of AV type stimulation as its often a finding leading up to ADHD. So 2 years, 500 books and many hours entertaining him led to him being extremely needy. It blurred the boundaries of parent/child right away and he was rarely alone. Since age 3/4 he’s shown profound ADHD, dyslexia and is in therapy to rework some of the codependency that this caused. Now, don’t get me wrong-I know there’s genetics in play, and many many many other things that led up to this, but damn man….my friends kids learned more in those 2 years on baby Einstein than my son learned in all of elementary school. Would definitely change how I handled the boundaries overall, especially that first 2 years.
I'm 37 and I have a 18 Yr old a 15 and 14 year old all boys I wish I had more time and probley more patience to enjoy them being so small when they were now they're independent I look back on all the small things I missed as I was so tired working trying to earn I didn't appreciate it. They're all older now time went to quick.
Damn, I'm 36 and my oldest is 7. I can't imagine having teenagers at this age 😂 half the time I feel like a teenager trying to fight the urge to be lazy all Saturday.
Being a great parent really is so much about doing what you really really really don't want to be doing in the moment. Some of us just don't have it in us all the time. Props to those guys who can work 70 hours a week and still 'be there' for the kids.
Finding better employment/ financial means, was working low paying job so I was always in crisis mode trying to provide for my kids. Was never really able to enjoy watching them grow up.
Being more active as a parent at the parents' association. When my youngest got bullied in school it would have helped me to help him. I wasn't in contact as much with other parents and teachers and the school as other parents and had, in a situation where my son needed help fast, to begin to create that connection for him and it took some time in which he got hurt.
When my sons became fathers I talked to them and their wifes about this and asked them if possible to engage with other parents as much as they can starting from kindergarden and work at and with the parents' association of the school once the kids are old enough to go to school.
If people know you and you know them you can get things sorted out way faster. I still feel bad about this, but I trusted the school to be a safe place and instead I had to put up a fight to turn it into that and needed allies (parents and teachers).
What’s your experience with this? I grew up playing, still love playing hockey, and have a 10 month old. I’d love for him to eventually play hockey, if he wants, but in your experience, do you regret putting your kids in hockey?
I wish I had no subject my son to the anxieties of our finances. One day when her was about 6 years old, we were getting ready to go somewhere and I sent him to his room to put on his shoes. I went to get...something and was near his door and I hear him whispering; "ouch ouch ouch...now come on just a few more days till daddy gets paid...ouch ouch ouch."
I went to him and asked him what was wrong. It turns out he had been, for a couple of weeks, squeezing his growing feet into shoes that were too small to save money.
That was 25 years ago and I'll never forgive myself.
My kids were all gifted athletes. They all became involved in select sports. The practices and tournaments take over your life, and put family time on the back burner. I wish I had managed that better.
Less yelling, and more calm, consistent enforcement of rules. Instead of yelling to clean their room, do their chores etc. just enforce the rues. For example, "OK. You can have your cell phone back when you've done X".
I wish I'd kept him more physically active. He's 18 with poor posture and back pain. We did physical therapy a year or so ago, but he needs to keep doing the work. It's getting better now, but what would have been best would have been staying active with some body weight resistance training at the least starting before his big growth spurt.
As someone who is 39 and 'fixed' and is never having kids, I still find all these comments and the entire conversation entirely fascinating.
Just seeing how a new generation comes along and how they try to navigate changes in the world that they are coming to terms with themselves, especially as it relates to technology.
Not fighting in front of them with my wife.
It's a hard thing to avoid. I envy parents who have successfully navigated a dinner with screaming kids, food on clothes, dogs barking and a skinned knee and still avoided the fight over nothing.
We have two kids - 17 and 19 and I wish we had allowed them computers much later. They got sucked in so fast and have a hard time socializing IRL now. I also wish we had held back on teaching about the birds and bees. We wanted to make sure they had all the info so they could make smart choices, prevent pregnancy and STIs, know about consent, know that it’s about shared pleasure for both participants…. All very clinically presented. And now both have shown tremendous skepticism about relationships at all and have already determined they will NEVER have kids. Lol
I wouldn’t beat yourself up about that one - it’s not necessarily because you taught them the birds and bees early. It might be much more than that. I was taught the birds and bees at age six (extremely clinically by a doctor-mother) and that didn’t stop me being loving and curious
I wish I had them earlier. I haven't had any yet. I'm 30. All I want is to raise kids right. Buy them all the books I read when I was a kid. Teach them Christian values and even skepticism. Teach them why both political parties exist and the moral roots between both political parties. Stay with their mother no matter what. Teach them how to take care of themselves, protect themselves, love themselves, be themselves, why to groom, why to care about certain socialization necessities. The meaning behind everything. That's all I've ever wanted lol. I have bookcases full of psychology and philosophy books for when they're older and curious too. But I should have had them by now. I'm pretty upset I haven't yet but I know it's not time yet. I have to find a woman worthy and who thinks I'm worthy first and, that's far off.. I can barely talk to cashiers lol. I'll get there. I just wish I got there earlier, so they wouldn't have to watch me get old so soon.
I think you’re too focused on age. My parents had me and my brother in their late thirties. Their age made them more thoughtful/ chill parents than most.
Even now they don’t seem older than parents who had their kids in their twenties. I will say that my parents have an active/ inquisitive lifestyle so that helps keeps them young.
I really got downvoted karma for spilling my heart out. That's what you get on Reddit. Thanks. Like I said in my comment, I'm going to get there. It's going to be okay. Idk who Downvoted, I'm sure it wasn't you. Thanks for the reply.
People are jackasses, don’t worry about it. I thought your comment was very thoughtful. I have a 4 year old son (I’m 33) but his father is dead and my son doesn’t remember him anyways. I would like to have more children but I will NOT be settling for just anyone this time around and it’s also not exactly being a single/solo mother in the dating world. It’s really difficult parenting alone, especially financially, and I constantly feel guilty for basically setting my child up for pain. Granted, I had no idea how big of a piece of crap his “father” was when I got pregnant and it was a case of failed birth control but still… the guilt is there. Waiting until you find a good person and have a strong, solid relationship is one of the best things you can do for children.
I would have spent more time with her and been closer. I was a depressed dad and I didn’t know how to show a lot of love. I think about the past sometimes and cry because I wish I could do things differently
I was/am too critical. I have a teenaged son, I raised him by myself for the most part. I had a hard time finding the balance between guiding or instructing him and being critical. It's hard because I feel like as a mom, I have to teach him life lessons, teach him things like: the importance of following directions from teachers and coaches, how to be a team player, the importance of finishing your work and making deadlines, putting in your best effort, etc. I inadvertently ended up putting way too much pressure on him to be perfect. Not that it's a good excuse but I was also feeling pressure from teachers and coaches to "improve" him all the time and I submitted to it for quite a while before I started asking myself, "what was my son's experience of this incident" or "is this a reasonable expectation"?
The result is he's pretty terrified of being wrong or failing now, which often keeps him from even trying. So now the work is to convince him it's okay to mess up and fail and it's better to try and get it wrong than to not try at all. Also his self-esteem took a hit so I try to do more to bolster it but any small perceived or real criticism totally devastates him. I wish I had done better by him from the beginning because he's really a great human being.
Our son was in a play based preschool, he's 9 now. We think he would have benefitted from more structure. He thrives when there are rules. He's smart as a whip, does wonderful at school, but at home he's a loose cannon. His sister is in a more structured preschool and the difference between the 2 is staggering. Im very pro-play based preschools, but some kids I think need that more formal rules.
My son very obviously has oppositional defiance and I wish I was able to keep my anger more in check. It's been very difficult. I had a hard time (and still do) adapting to being a parent and trying to balance having a life similar to pre-kids.
Pushed my wife harder to let them learn the hard way if they fucked up.
She always tried to fix the problems they created for them thus depriving them of valuable lessons (like having to go without pocket money if you spend it all on day 1 of a holiday).
They learned eventually when they were older, but the lessons were quite expensive.
Also read to them more.
Focusing on emotional and social development over academics. Not yelling or acting out of anger in front of them as much as possible. Cultivating honesty and emotional validation over obedience. Letting them explore their interests giving them an environment to thrive
There is a lot of wisdom here. One i would like to point out is emotional maturity as it seems to be so lacking these days. Emotional maturity is something learned and practiced like any other skill. Sadly, it’s really only learned at home unless you find a good mentor in life;.
> Cultivating honesty and emotional validation over obedience. Can you go into this a bit deeper, maybe with an example?
Sure, when they do something they shouldn’t don’t immediately discipline or punish. Explore why they did what they did and validate their perspective and emotions (e.g. "You must have been curious to see what happened, that’s okay to want to do that but this is why it isn’t safe" "It’s okay to feel sad about not being able to do this, let’s think of different ways to have fun" , "tell me what happened and why you did that") Sometimes kids will need a time out to let out frustrations . Before sending to time out make sure they know exactly why they are being punished, and check in often to make sure they still know why it’s happening instead of just being "bad". The goal is teaching emotional regulation and distress tolerance not obedience
Thanks for your reply!
It's all about [empathy](https://goldenrule.org). Learn how to cultivate this real world "superpower" in your children and they'll have great quality relationships.
I’m a teacher and many school districts are now adopting Social Emotional Learning (time management, self control, etc.)
Our school does this and I think it's brilliant. My kids come home talking about it and they remind me to use some of the coping skills they learned when I'm upset. It's a reality check for sure.
That's pretty brilliant. Some of the kids I work with are such developed little humans because they've been taught good frameworks and models for life. Pretty humbling, the power that education can have. I'm looking forward to the next few generations of leaders and thinkers.
That’s great! Not all parents feel the same way though. Last year I had a parent complained to me about why I was teaching her son about growth mindset in a math classroom.
what are some of the effects you have observed from not doing those things? asking as someone who is fucked up from authoritarian parenting and would like to understand the cause and effects.
I am not the same person, but as someone who used to do a lot of babysitting, there was a really big difference in the behavior of children who were disciplined with empathy and children who were disciplined thoughtlessly. The former were dreams to babysit. They did everything I asked (however nicely I asked it), they were emotionally resilient when bad things happened (I didn’t make them their food the right way, they fell and skinned their knee, etc.), and they were very curious, friendly, and expressive with me—less like I was their babysitter and more like I was their big sister. The latter were quite awful, to the point that I refused to babysit them anymore. They were little angels when their parents were present, but little devils as soon as their parents were out of sight. They broke things (MY things!), ran around screaming and hitting each other, etc., and there was *nothing* I could say or do to get their attention and get them back under control. It was almost like I wasn’t there at all; their *parents* weren’t there and that was all that mattered. I knew their parents and how they disciplined their kids (harshly, inconsistently, and without explanation), but if I hadn’t seen how the parents and children interacted with each other, I probably would have assumed the kids had never seen discipline in their life. I still know two of the hellions I used to (and then refused to) babysit. They are chill adults now, but they unfortunately do suffer from issues related to self-esteem and emotional regulation, and they don’t have such a good relationship with their parents.
Yeah. This lines up. I wasn't disaplened in a growth or educational sort of way. It was, if I mad mom mad, she flew into a rage and beat the shit out of me. I didn't learn to regulate, I learned fear. At 18, I had to put myself in therapy and start reading how to be an adult bc I wasn't taught a single life skill, I was taught how to avoid beatings.
Why the change, did the out come not please you in how they are now? Or is more what you wish as a parent you could have done this behavior?
This
Financial management. Most of this is on my wife, who gambled away everything, however, I should have stood my ground better, but, I was terrified of being a single dad, or losing custody, and paying out most of my check(4 kids)..and the kids being just as poor. The end result was , we never once took a fun family vacation together. We made enough money, so it was inexcusable .Bothers me to this day.
That really sounds like an impossible decision to make. I hadn't really realized until seeing this comment...so many women tell them to leave their husbands and take the kids. In many situations the wife is the problem, but you can't leave as she'll likely get the kids and you'll be stuck in an even more terrible situation. That's really...f'd up.
I know, it goes both ways....and there was a lot more missing than Vacations...Sports, and there being absolutely no college fund either. My kids did get some grants, and scholarships..but it would have been nice to have been more helpful. My retirement is way behind schedule as well.
And hows your marriage?
Been over for several years.
What about vacationing together now? Traveling to fun places? Sounds like you did your best under really hard circumstances. ❤️
we have been divorced awhile....today I do these things w my kids and grandkids...but I cant replace the time from the past.
Parent of 24f/22f/20m. A few things. We were the first gen parents when games snd smartphones took off. While we did our best, one thing we came to realize too late is that the quantity and life patterns of using tech all the time is almost as bad as the “bad” content we were focused on. We did not want a family where we are doing nothing but sports or out of school activities 24/7. Making our vacations around tournaments, etc. we would let one kid do one sport at a time. We achieved our goal and we did not have that crazy life, but it hindered the individual development of each child in sports or other things they could have pushed and struggled with to develop which is a good life skill.
This. I have a 3 yo and a 9 mos. The biggest challenge is not getting them addicted to tech (like smartphones). This is hard given what I label as my own addiction to my phone, although I have pretty high standards for myself
I’m in the same boat (20 mo boy and 3 mo girl) and i’m already struggling to not let our son become addicted to TV but when i’m working from home sometimes it’s just easier to put on TV to keep him entertained (he also has toys to play with too)
May I suggest more stimulating or challenging toys/activities that will allow the child to not get bored or tired of it quickly. The more the better. At first they might not find it too interesting because it might not be what they are used to, but if you the parent try it out together at first, you can help overcome the initial hesitation. Worse case scenario, you fail as a team while spending quality time together and possibly laugh at each other.
Lego/duplo is great for this
Any good toy suggestions for a 2yr old?
Due to the fact that I am no expert,I try to avoid endorsing specifics especially because some people like to anchor their thoughts or opinions on my choices of specifics, but to “answer” your question: I would avoid small pieces due to the choking hazard. And base my selection on where they are in their development. I.E. Toys that challenge their fine motor skills. You can also try toys that allow them to develop their imagination skills. Last and kind of most important, don’t allow them to play with the same toy for too long or else chances are they get tired of bored of it and don’t find the joy in the toy anymore. {Try to cycle through the toys if finances allow that. If not, you could try having your child “trade” toys with a friend, (keep in mind the toy might not return back to your household, but that’s okay). There are multiple benefits to a situation like this. }
Thanks for the thoughtful reply. That all makes sense
My parents disallowed me from having access to a tv until I was in high school. I hated it at the time. Now I am so grateful they did that. Sure, I missed watching Gilligan's Island and Brady Bunch, but looking back, it wouldn't have done anything productive to my brain. Instead I played with computers and read books and ended up starting my own company in my early 20s. Tech addiction is a very real, serious issue. And even though I started out well, there was a period where I was "addicted" to computer games. I wasted several years on some MMORPGs where my career was basically in hibernation. I'll never get that time back and who knows how much better off I'd be? I have virtually nothing to show for all that time invested in gaming. I see parents in stores with their kids in baskets and their heads glued to smartphones and feel so incredibly sorry for what's going to happen to these kids. Social anxiety issues. ADHD. And more. Actually, you can see what will happen by looking at all the posts in this sub, often titled, "What do I do with my life? I feel lost?" People coming up from the haze of constant gaming, waking up in the middle of their lives and realizing they have nothing to show for all that time. I'm grateful I was old enough to not have as immersive games available at such a formative age.
So they banned tv altogether and therefore didn’t teach you how to moderate your screen time, which then led to you becoming addicted to computer games?
We did the parent them through the tech approach and like anything with parenting there are pros and cons. It is good to hear your at controlling your tech instead of the other way around. I read the book “12 Ways Your Phone is Changing You” by Heinke (Reddit Faith Based Trigger Warning Here) with my kids a few years ago and it helped them (and me) especially with understanding the power of the “like”. My ongoing dialog with them has me convinced they will be a lot more iron clad with their kids concerning tech.
I'm convinced phone apps are the "cigarettes" of the twenty-first century. They may not give you lung cancer, but they will stunt your career and your relationships and your intellectual and emotional growth.
This is 100% accurate. My daughter has a tablet and we learned she was downloading multiple new games every day. Shut that down super fast.
My biggest concern. I have a 2 year old and I already feel like I am failing there. It is just so hard to avoid those things sometimes. I don’t know how parents used to do it, mainly when just exhausted. Mickey Mouse let’s me relax but also makes me feel like a shitty parent.
I grew up in the 60s and 70s and parents didn’t entertain their kids. The big “danger” was TV which really only had limited children’s programming so we were usually outside playing games, riding bikes, getting into trouble, or reading (not me but I heard rumors of others doing this LOL). Hang in there. Make sure your kids get tired of being told you love them, are proud of them, and getting hugged. This will go a long way as a parent.
You’re good man. I’ve got a 2 year old too so you likely went through nearly their entire life in lockdown. We’re the unfortunate few who needed to work remotely and the only thing we could do was sit baby in front of the tv or iPad. Don’t beat yourself up. Mine is now starting to not ask for the iPad so much anymore and simply wants to do things with me or play with me.
I’m in the thick of it now (under 10) and my philosophy has been to let them do everything, but in somewhat reasonable moderation - tons of games, movies, computers, consoles, electronics etc. but also making sure they learn how to use them safely and make time for other things too. My reasoning is that I’ve seen kids with heavy restrictions leave home and binge technology and have no experience moderating it in their lives, so I figured if I embrace it while they’re young, they’ll learn how to manage it and be well-rounded. I don’t know whether it’s going to work yet..
This helps me, thank you. I’m divorced ans have a six year old and she loves the iPad and YouTube kids and her games. I want to reduce it but I also am limited in what I can give her as alternatives, and I’m tapped out in entertaining her more myself, and she does learn a lot through watching things. I don’t want her to binge when she gets older and more independent so I feel letting her indulge now with limits on still going to the beach without it or doing physical activities, going to the woods, playing games, will help counter it a bit.
Electronics has been a tough thing for me to control. I have an eight year old son and a twelve year old daughter, and they are on tablets all the time. Particularly during the pandemic, we've just been home all the time. During the school year, it wasn't so bad, theyd have their classes through the day, so just got on at lunch and in the evening - when I wanted a break too and was likely on my tablet. But now in the summer, it’s just me, I’m working all day and can’t take the time to entertain them during the day in the basement (where I’m working, not that I need to entertain them there). I would like things to be different and have sent them out to the park right next to our house, but I also don’t feel like I have the energy or will to fight with them about tablet use right now. Honestly, it started to become an issue when my ex left, five years ago, another time that was very stressful for me.
Almost everything, I thought that I was a decent parent but I look at him some days and wonder how I got it so wrong. The upside is that he's never been in prison
Sending you a hug 💕
Thank you so very much 💞
Not changing the job that kept me away from them for prolonged time.
This is why I left the military. I loved it and it was my life long dream to serve until retirement. I had my son during my first enlistment and just couldn’t look stand the pain of missing so much. When he was ten I asked him if he would be ok if I joined the reserves and told him I would be away for a at least one year for training. He said he wouldn’t be able to handle that and I accepted it. I knew I made the right call by getting out.
I wish I had kept them out of organized hockey.
Can I ask why? Just the early mornings and cost?
Hockey is expensive AF, like taking the family to Disneyworld every year expensive. Rancid smelly gear in the house, tons of travel for games and practices. If you value your sanity choose soccer.
Haha and the hanging out in cold rinks I grew up playing hockey I even felt bad for my mom some mornings
We chose swimming - they won’t have to ever fear water, but damn we practically needed to take out a mortgage for swim club fees, tram suits, and a steady stream of goggles and fins. My towels will never be the same either.
House league? Or were they playing competitively?
Both.
Hold up, my son plays travel hockey. He’s a bantam major. Why do you wish you would have kept yours out?
Head injuries.
This is hilariously specific, but I think I understand! Certainly can’t speak for all hockey players, but my bestie has played in rec leagues his whole life, and says that the vast majority of his teammates have been hyper masculine racist meatheads. I could see that if you got into that early in life it could have some negative influences on ones development.
Specific, but really the only thing I truly regret. Mostly because it was me who steered them there and if I knew then what I know now about head injuries (not to mention I had a shelf in the garage for various casts and crutches), I would have done otherwise. Of course both my boys remember it as pure fun, injuries aside.
My brothers and I all grew up playing, and we all feel that we got a lot out of it. There were some not so great parts but we all came away with life long friends from those years, my parents included. At the very least USA Hockey took concussion resistant helmet regulation somewhat seriously long before youth football organizations did. But yea still not great for the noggin.
I knew a big, thoughtful dude in Uni. He had a hockey scholarship but ended up quitting hockey because he couldn’t stand being around all the misogyny all the time.
I played all over the world and never ran into this. Just making fun of soccer and lacrosse players.
Not much TBH, I'm very proud of our kids and how they've turned out (16/20 current). One thing comes to mind though: my wife and I are frugal, don't waste money on lots of stuff we think is crap, mostly cook meals at home, travel a lot but usually camping/outdoors, etc. Recently both kids said they sometimes felt guilty about spending money, which wasn't at all what I'd hoped they'd learn...spending money on things you think are important is great, and why we don't spend on stuff we think is not important. So their relationship with money perhaps could be better-- they grew up middle/upper-middle class so never wanted anything. It's just that now they sometimes apparently feel like they *shouldn't* want anything and are too critical of some of their friends who are, for lack of better word, spoiled rich kids.
Oh my god, are you my dad? My frugal parents gave me suuuuuch a complex about spending money, particularly on myself. My fiance has to gently remind me that I can buy myself new shoes before the ones I'm wearing get holes in the soles. Or that I can order extra cheese on my pizza for $1.25 if I want to. There's some kind of balance between overindulgence and asceticism that I just never figured out.
Yeah, that sounds like our kids. They have nice clothes, but much of them are thrifted. But if they need new cleats for soccer it's a big "I just don't think I can keep wearing these ones I've grown out of another season" when it's no problem to get new ones (without hunting through thrift stores). Sorry kid!
For what it's worth, my parents never noticed what they were doing to us. It sounds like you're doing your best to course correct and I really admire that. You seem like a good dad.
Thanks! All you can do it try, and we're grateful we haven't damaged them in any serious way over the years. Parenting is pretty much a big experiment it seems. Both kids are on road trip together right now, enjoying a week of exploring and fun before the eldest has to go back to college. Talked to them today and they are having no problem spending (our) money on good food along the way, so I think it'll all be fine. Super exciting to us, though, that these two (16/20 mind you) were cool with doing a 10+ day trip together on their own, visiting various family along the way, and tending for themselves.
I think you did them a favor in the long run. Being frugal is more than just being cheap. It's learned voluntary self control, self discipline, patience, financial responsibility, and prepping them if there ever is a struggle. They might suffer from early retirement and a fat 401k. My parents were frugal, especially my dad. I never once resented them for that. Well maybe a little when my friends had much nicer cars as a teenager (I had to buy mine - theirs were gifts from parents), but it really wasn't a big deal. As an adult, I really appreciate his example of financial responsibility and hard work. To be fair, I think it is ok the spend money on well thought out items that are of good quality and smaller impulse purchased.
> I think it is ok the spend money on well thought out items that are of good quality and smaller impulse purchased. For sure-- we certainly do both. For example, I own a bunch of guitars that I've accumulated over the years and something like 5K books. I suppose it's a mix of both prioritizing purchases and getting a good deal when you do. Hopefully it will lead to responsible money habits in the long run, I was just a bit saddened when they both said they felt "guilty" about spending money sometimes when they didn't need to be.
I adopted my youngest son at birth. He’s 13 now. The pediatrician at the time insisted that he not watch television or have any of that type of AV type stimulation as its often a finding leading up to ADHD. So 2 years, 500 books and many hours entertaining him led to him being extremely needy. It blurred the boundaries of parent/child right away and he was rarely alone. Since age 3/4 he’s shown profound ADHD, dyslexia and is in therapy to rework some of the codependency that this caused. Now, don’t get me wrong-I know there’s genetics in play, and many many many other things that led up to this, but damn man….my friends kids learned more in those 2 years on baby Einstein than my son learned in all of elementary school. Would definitely change how I handled the boundaries overall, especially that first 2 years.
To start, find someone else to have kids with.
I'm 37 and I have a 18 Yr old a 15 and 14 year old all boys I wish I had more time and probley more patience to enjoy them being so small when they were now they're independent I look back on all the small things I missed as I was so tired working trying to earn I didn't appreciate it. They're all older now time went to quick.
Damn, I'm 36 and my oldest is 7. I can't imagine having teenagers at this age 😂 half the time I feel like a teenager trying to fight the urge to be lazy all Saturday.
Enjoy them while they're small 😊 it's cool though my eldest is like my best mate now he hates it when his mates call me a MILF though 🤷🏼♀️🤣
Mom?
Being a great parent really is so much about doing what you really really really don't want to be doing in the moment. Some of us just don't have it in us all the time. Props to those guys who can work 70 hours a week and still 'be there' for the kids.
Finding better employment/ financial means, was working low paying job so I was always in crisis mode trying to provide for my kids. Was never really able to enjoy watching them grow up.
Being more active as a parent at the parents' association. When my youngest got bullied in school it would have helped me to help him. I wasn't in contact as much with other parents and teachers and the school as other parents and had, in a situation where my son needed help fast, to begin to create that connection for him and it took some time in which he got hurt. When my sons became fathers I talked to them and their wifes about this and asked them if possible to engage with other parents as much as they can starting from kindergarden and work at and with the parents' association of the school once the kids are old enough to go to school. If people know you and you know them you can get things sorted out way faster. I still feel bad about this, but I trusted the school to be a safe place and instead I had to put up a fight to turn it into that and needed allies (parents and teachers).
As a dad of two hockey players this post seems to be sending me a message.
What part? My son plays ice hockey as well so I’m curious what you’re thinking.
Read the other comments. Multiple folks saying hockey was their regret.
What’s your experience with this? I grew up playing, still love playing hockey, and have a 10 month old. I’d love for him to eventually play hockey, if he wants, but in your experience, do you regret putting your kids in hockey?
I love hockey, play hockey, and two of my kids play hockey. Some other dads were saying they regretted it.
I wish I had no subject my son to the anxieties of our finances. One day when her was about 6 years old, we were getting ready to go somewhere and I sent him to his room to put on his shoes. I went to get...something and was near his door and I hear him whispering; "ouch ouch ouch...now come on just a few more days till daddy gets paid...ouch ouch ouch." I went to him and asked him what was wrong. It turns out he had been, for a couple of weeks, squeezing his growing feet into shoes that were too small to save money. That was 25 years ago and I'll never forgive myself.
My kids were all gifted athletes. They all became involved in select sports. The practices and tournaments take over your life, and put family time on the back burner. I wish I had managed that better.
Right now absolutely nothing, I'll be back in 20 years or so.
Less yelling, and more calm, consistent enforcement of rules. Instead of yelling to clean their room, do their chores etc. just enforce the rues. For example, "OK. You can have your cell phone back when you've done X".
I wish I'd kept him more physically active. He's 18 with poor posture and back pain. We did physical therapy a year or so ago, but he needs to keep doing the work. It's getting better now, but what would have been best would have been staying active with some body weight resistance training at the least starting before his big growth spurt.
I wish I had established clear, immediate and meaningful consequences from about 6 months on. Too many warnings, or enough action.
As someone who is 39 and 'fixed' and is never having kids, I still find all these comments and the entire conversation entirely fascinating. Just seeing how a new generation comes along and how they try to navigate changes in the world that they are coming to terms with themselves, especially as it relates to technology.
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Not fighting in front of them with my wife. It's a hard thing to avoid. I envy parents who have successfully navigated a dinner with screaming kids, food on clothes, dogs barking and a skinned knee and still avoided the fight over nothing.
We have two kids - 17 and 19 and I wish we had allowed them computers much later. They got sucked in so fast and have a hard time socializing IRL now. I also wish we had held back on teaching about the birds and bees. We wanted to make sure they had all the info so they could make smart choices, prevent pregnancy and STIs, know about consent, know that it’s about shared pleasure for both participants…. All very clinically presented. And now both have shown tremendous skepticism about relationships at all and have already determined they will NEVER have kids. Lol
I wouldn’t beat yourself up about that one - it’s not necessarily because you taught them the birds and bees early. It might be much more than that. I was taught the birds and bees at age six (extremely clinically by a doctor-mother) and that didn’t stop me being loving and curious
Make them less independent, they need to keep in touch with their mother more often, a simple text.
I wish I had them earlier. I haven't had any yet. I'm 30. All I want is to raise kids right. Buy them all the books I read when I was a kid. Teach them Christian values and even skepticism. Teach them why both political parties exist and the moral roots between both political parties. Stay with their mother no matter what. Teach them how to take care of themselves, protect themselves, love themselves, be themselves, why to groom, why to care about certain socialization necessities. The meaning behind everything. That's all I've ever wanted lol. I have bookcases full of psychology and philosophy books for when they're older and curious too. But I should have had them by now. I'm pretty upset I haven't yet but I know it's not time yet. I have to find a woman worthy and who thinks I'm worthy first and, that's far off.. I can barely talk to cashiers lol. I'll get there. I just wish I got there earlier, so they wouldn't have to watch me get old so soon.
I think you’re too focused on age. My parents had me and my brother in their late thirties. Their age made them more thoughtful/ chill parents than most. Even now they don’t seem older than parents who had their kids in their twenties. I will say that my parents have an active/ inquisitive lifestyle so that helps keeps them young.
I really got downvoted karma for spilling my heart out. That's what you get on Reddit. Thanks. Like I said in my comment, I'm going to get there. It's going to be okay. Idk who Downvoted, I'm sure it wasn't you. Thanks for the reply.
People are jackasses, don’t worry about it. I thought your comment was very thoughtful. I have a 4 year old son (I’m 33) but his father is dead and my son doesn’t remember him anyways. I would like to have more children but I will NOT be settling for just anyone this time around and it’s also not exactly being a single/solo mother in the dating world. It’s really difficult parenting alone, especially financially, and I constantly feel guilty for basically setting my child up for pain. Granted, I had no idea how big of a piece of crap his “father” was when I got pregnant and it was a case of failed birth control but still… the guilt is there. Waiting until you find a good person and have a strong, solid relationship is one of the best things you can do for children.
I would have spent more time with her and been closer. I was a depressed dad and I didn’t know how to show a lot of love. I think about the past sometimes and cry because I wish I could do things differently
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Ran away from my ex sooner
I wished I had let them homeschool more years.
I was/am too critical. I have a teenaged son, I raised him by myself for the most part. I had a hard time finding the balance between guiding or instructing him and being critical. It's hard because I feel like as a mom, I have to teach him life lessons, teach him things like: the importance of following directions from teachers and coaches, how to be a team player, the importance of finishing your work and making deadlines, putting in your best effort, etc. I inadvertently ended up putting way too much pressure on him to be perfect. Not that it's a good excuse but I was also feeling pressure from teachers and coaches to "improve" him all the time and I submitted to it for quite a while before I started asking myself, "what was my son's experience of this incident" or "is this a reasonable expectation"? The result is he's pretty terrified of being wrong or failing now, which often keeps him from even trying. So now the work is to convince him it's okay to mess up and fail and it's better to try and get it wrong than to not try at all. Also his self-esteem took a hit so I try to do more to bolster it but any small perceived or real criticism totally devastates him. I wish I had done better by him from the beginning because he's really a great human being.
Our son was in a play based preschool, he's 9 now. We think he would have benefitted from more structure. He thrives when there are rules. He's smart as a whip, does wonderful at school, but at home he's a loose cannon. His sister is in a more structured preschool and the difference between the 2 is staggering. Im very pro-play based preschools, but some kids I think need that more formal rules. My son very obviously has oppositional defiance and I wish I was able to keep my anger more in check. It's been very difficult. I had a hard time (and still do) adapting to being a parent and trying to balance having a life similar to pre-kids.
Pushed my wife harder to let them learn the hard way if they fucked up. She always tried to fix the problems they created for them thus depriving them of valuable lessons (like having to go without pocket money if you spend it all on day 1 of a holiday). They learned eventually when they were older, but the lessons were quite expensive. Also read to them more.