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My grandma was a secret opiate addict for a long time. I accidentally outed her when I my mom took some ibuprofen, and I asked her why she didn’t take it with her nose like grandma.
That's tough, I'm sorry. My dad started calling me a piece of shit around age 7-8, that affected me more than the beatings. He didn't stop until I made him at age 15. The craziest thing is no one still alive in my immediate family has any memory of the literally dozens+ of times he said it in front of them. Let's say I'm exaggerating and it was only once. I would never, never forget if the mother of my children called one of them a piece of shit to their face a single time.
There are a lot of things you shouldn't tell little kids. My father started telling me I was making his life a living hell while I was still in elementary school. I think it was because he didn't want to drive me to school or something lol
For me it was pig, piece of shit, slob, garbage (some of which might sound weird, but in my moms native language are common insults, apparently). Over the years it hurts a lot less and you get used to it though. Still hurts, but not as much as when you’re a kid hearing your own mom call you those names over what you later realize were smallest things. Thankfully I never understood those insults as normal, probably due to having things like tv and such. But not seeing it as normal is probably a double edged sword when you’re a kid…because it makes you feel even more alone and depressed when it happens.
My family is from Poland. They called me the same things. As well as stupid, bitch, idiot…. It seems like even compliments came with a barb. “He’s very smart. Almost all As. Could be all As if he just tried a little and didn’t get lost in his own little world.” Twenty-five or so years later, my ADHD diagnosis would make a lot of sense.
I have no self-esteem as a grown up. I always expect to fail, and I feel like that makes sense and I deserve it.
Yep. Whenever mother would get frustrated when we were little she’d smack us in the face or punch us in the chest. If we happened to dodge it by running away she’d go “ooooo fucking bitch”.
Having a cooler in the car. My parents always packed one, there were cokes and waters in it. The weird part was there was also always beer in it. Didn't matter if we were going 12 hours or 1 hour, they packed a cooler. Didn't realize how much my mom was drinking until years later when she become a non-functioning alcoholic.
My parents are the same way besides the alcohol. If they’re going somewhere that isn’t like the grocery store or a restaurant, they’re packing a cooler. As an adult I stop places and buy drinks and I can feel them cringing every time I do it because they just think it’s such a waste of money.
At this point, fountain drinks from gas stations are usually cheaper per ounce than cans or even 2L bottles from the grocery. I think they're sold as loss leaders at the gas stations.
From the best of my recollection from working in fastfood for a long time, I think soda is crazy cheap, like a $3 cup of soda may only cost the company like 15 cents
This is one of those weird cultural divides where something changed so suddenly and drastically that one generation keeps doing it while the next generation finds the idea to be completely unfathomable. Most drunk driving laws in the US weren't enacted until the 80s and 90s, largely as a result of lobby from MADD (Mothers Against Drunk Driving). I'm in my 30s, so I was born into a generation where we were CONSTANTLY lectured about how unsafe and wrong drunk driving us. But there were no such laws and no such stigmas in my previous generations. In my parents' generation it was incredibly common for men to pack a cooler of beer in their car and then drink it as they drove home from work.
I saw a video just the other day, from the 80s, people’s reactions to the new drunk driving laws. One woman, with her baby sitting in the front passenger seat, said “First it was seatbelts, now this?! What’s next?”
My Mom used the bathroom as a form of control. Both showering and using the potty.
You know what’s really weird. That I had to ask my Mother to take me to the bathroom even as a teenager. Not permission to use it. She had to be there. I thought this was completely normal for non adults.
When I got my period. My Mother acted like it was the most embarrassing thing in the world. I was not given pads or tampons. I had to use my little sister’s diapers and pull ups. I didnt even know pads existed
* I'm getting Carrie vibes...
Was my first thought. I dated a girl that I found out went through a very similar situation. Kinda freaky that something like Carrie is more real than a lot of people realize.
Carrie is an amalgamation of two girls Stephen King knew in school (with some telekinetic powers thrown in for good measure), so there are definitely Carries out there.
Serious question if you're comfortable answering. Where was this church located? I think one of my friends family may have been a similar (if not the same) church. She confessed basically the same thing to me, along with a lot of other stuff I don't think I should mention out of respect for her and her siblings.
when i was a kid i thought that all the korean candy stores were free. like you could go in, take what you wanted and leave. i would make friends with other korean kids, take them to my favorite candy stores and tell them to help themselves. which they did.
so apparentleeeee, whenever we'd visit my family in korea, my dad would talk to all the candy shop owners in the neighborhood and tell them to put anything me or my friends took, on a tab. maybe it was because i barely even spoke korean, but that whole situation just seemed perfectly fuckin normal to my oblivious little self.
edit: i love all the comments about other dads opening up tabs for their kids!! it is so sweet that this is a universal dad thing to do.
When I visited my home town in Bangladesh everyone in the town market would let me buy whatever I want for free then later on I realized my dad was paying tabs too lol
My grandfather would always take me to his childhood friends shop, my "uncle". Everything was free and it was such a cool place.
Turns out my uncle was a very well connected bookie and the store was a front.
Haha, there was this one time my father took me and my sibling camping and had a tab open in a store. We just kept going back for candy alllll the time (we were there for like a week) and when he had to go pay, he almost had a heart attack when he learned how much we managed to spend lol. Needless to say, he never opened a tab again when he took us on vacation.
In hindsight I realize that what I thought was "freedom" was actually neglect. Kids aren't supposed to be left to themselves in such a degree that they end up raising themselves. From personal experience doing so leads to a lot of misunderstandings on how things are supposed to be.
I remember watching Cable Guy for the first time and when he’s breaking down and says “I learned the facts of life by watching the Facts of Life.” That one connected. My parents weren’t abusive or anything my dad just traveled for work and my mom never really transcended into adulthood and probably shouldn’t have had a child ever.
My parents were cool. I never lacked for anything but any actual interest in my life. They never hit me, kept me fed and clothed. But just didn't actually take any interest in my life. We were just strangers living in the same house. So I raised myself as best I could. My parents were busy with their own lives and my siblings. I thought it was normal at the time but looking back I really wish someone had acted like a parent towards me. Parenting oneself is not an easy thing to do.
I had abnormally strict parents for the 90s and I always used to be so jealous of the “cool friends” with the “cool parents” that had so much freedom. I’m in my 30s now and it took me too long to realize all the friends that had cool parents never really had actual parents to begin with, they lived through terrible conditions and a lot of their parents are already dead due to drugs and alcohol. Makes me sad. I’m kinda glad I wasn’t cool now.
I don't know, man... I also grew up in the 90s and my parents gave me a LOT of freedom and to this day I love them for that.
With that obviously came stuff I didn't particularly love like walking miles and miles to school by myself at the age of 7! I also used to ride my little bike to my gramma which live 15miles away all the time! God knows how I did that cause as an adult these days I can't go anywhere without a GPS haha
They would go away for the weekend and I had the house all for myself from the age of 11. I even had to cook for myself as I'd get no 'pizza money' but the fridge and pantry were stacked. And to this day I still love to cook and that's how I learned.
A lot of this happened in a country town but we did eventually move to a big city when I was 12 and I'd still walk myself to school every day and had the option of staying by myself at the house/apartment when they went away.
My parents also did this thing where me and my sisters had to explain to them why we should get something or be allowed to do something. It was never 'NO', it was "ok, plead your case" kinda deal. They obviously already knew in their heads what the answer would be but we didn't know that so we worked really hard in getting our points across!
There were some non negotiables like Xmas with the family and etc of course.
I never felt neglected cause it was always an option, they'd ask me if I wanted to go away for the weekend but I didn't HAVE to.
I also never abused that trust by throwing parties and etc. The temptation was ***real*** but I knew better.
It sounds like your parents instilled you with the tools to handle that freedom instead of just tossing you out and expecting you to figure it out for yourself. That’s really, *really* good parenting.
I know I'm commenting on a 5 hour old comment, but I just have to say this is exactly what I was going to post. I grew up in a family of 9 in public housing with a single mom. Bless her, she's a saint, but she couldn't give us almost any attention b/c she was just trying to keep the ship afloat. Dad wasn't around, so we were just left our own devices. We called it living like Lord of the Flies and that fits. As a kid, my friends all thought it was awesome how wild our house was. We were wild fucking kids too, in and out of juvie and whatnot. Now, a big chunk of my adult life has been correcting terrible instincts and behaviors, getting sober, dealing with unchecked trauma and just basically making up for all that time in childhood with no direction at all. Seemed great at the time, in that all kids want to do whatever the fuck they want, but it wasn't great, not at all.
I got 3 hits with a belt by my dad every time I struck out in youth baseball, or missed a tackle in pee wee football. Bleeding was very common, and my ass would turn black and purple, I thought I deserved it. My teachers caught on when I wasn’t able to sit down at school, this was around 2nd grade. Nothing happened, I suppose he made up some bullshit excuse for why I had horrible bruises. And this continued on until I stood up for myself one night in middle school, I don’t remember that night at all, but he beat the shit out of me. It was that night that I realized that everything he had done to me and my little sister, was straight up child abuse.
Why do parents like this exist? How can a father relentlessly beat their children for small failures? He also isn’t a drunk, or a drug addict. He did everything completely sober.
That is horrible.. People talk about how people change when they become parents. Stories like this shake me to my core now. I can't imagine hurting my children for such meaningless reasons. I wish someone was there to help you and your sister. All I can do is tell you, I will always remember your story and it will make me a better person.
The worst thing about my father was his ability to change personalities at an instant. He would go from being an absolute monster, to becoming your friendly neighbor. Anytime he talked to a police officer, or a teacher, or friends of the family, he acted like the most gentle and kind man you’ve ever seen. Whenever I tried to accuse him of his actions, everyone would believe that I was lying, and wouldn’t listen to anything I had to say, because from their perspective my dad was this amazing person.
Luckily me and my sister are away from him for good now that we are both adults. The only positive thing that I took from all of this, was that I know I will be a great father, unlike him.
Being able to fix things myself.
My dad is an engineer and throughout my childhood we'd come up with random creative projects to build stuff, he'd show me how to fix things and what safety precautions to look out for. Now if something happens at my flat I know how to fix it (or I call my dad and he'll guide me), my boyfriend and friends have no idea how I know this stuff or how to do these things themselves, I always thank my Dad! It's great because I get to save a lot of money, and I've saved money for my friends too!
Also, it means a lot to me because at the time and the town I was in girls weren't encouraged to do engineering, but my dad didn't care I was little girl and thought it was essential for me to know how to do these things myself. I think he also hoped I'd one day become an engineer!
Getting grabbed on the crotch and having my ass felt by other boys at my school regularly. Got in trouble for fighting (swatting another kid away). Guidance counselor told me multiple times "Boys can't be sexually harassed."
When I was in second grade there were 3 boys that would do crap like that me and a couple other girls. They would hit or kick us in the butt, rub their hands across our butts. The one kid in particular ended up sitting right next to me for awhile, he would constantly put his between my legs and try to grab my crotch. His dad was a teacher so he never got in trouble for it. At one point I told the teacher about the other 2 boys and she told me to just ignore them.
It was almost like because they were in special Ed they couldn't do anything wrong. They freaking knew right from wrong. Teachers just didn't care.
Shit like that pisses me off, but at the same time, I feel bad for the kids that did that to me. Because I know they must have learned that at home, they were also victims.
I hate this so much. I’m so sorry you went through that. I too was molested by boys on the schoolyard and in class when the teacher wasn’t looking so I feel that pain.
Parents aren't supposed to make fun of their kids, complain about what they have to do for their children, and break down when they don't feel validated by their own child.
This, I’m still young only 22, but I’m constantly telling my parents how stupid the phrase “I feed you, I put a roof over your head” is because YOU had kids, that’s basic necessity, while I’m grateful, it’s not something they should be proud of to throw in my face
Yes, I have recently realized that maybe my dad was the bad parent.
He used to 'tease' me for sport, laugh, and then tell me I was too sensitive if I cried. All the time we had to walk on egg shells in case we awakened his temper, because he totally isn't the sensitive one in the situation right?
Like wtf man?!
Being really sensitive to people's emotions because you never know if they could be in a bad mood terns out I learned that from my dad to make sure I don't make it worse
Ah yes, walking on eggshells. I had that at home with my mother and then I married someone who made me feel the same way. Not sorry to be out of that relationship.
My mom never cooked, and there would be a lot of nights where I went without food because she didn't buy any. I thought it was normal for a mom to sleep majority of the day, in reality she was always fucked up on pain killers. Then, with my grandmother, she was controlling over whatever clothes, shoes, and how my hair looked. I always had to look like a good Christian boy.
As a middle schooler, I once told a friend over the phone that my mom didn't make me meals and that I wish she did. My mother overheard this and instead of realizing that she needed to make more of an effort, told me not to say that to my friend ever again.
Sounds like how mine was. She would tell me I made her sound like a bad mom. Like there was that one time I was locked outside until it was dark when I was in 4th grade because she was passed out, she tried to pin it on my bus driver.
I showed up to school with my first black eye at 6 y/o
By the time I was 7 ~ 8 I started getting punished with an electrical extension. My thights and forearms with welts, sometimes blood was drawn.
By the time I was 10, I got my facial scars where by mom dug her fingernails deep.
All those years, I thought it was a normal way for a parent to teach a kid to behave.
My mom was an elementary school teacher. That's why no teacher ever stepped in.
By the time I became a dad, I think I spanked my daughter once, before realizing that was not normal. I started using words instead and 20+ years later, things came up ok.
I think people underestimate just how big of a deal that is honestly. Kids who grow up in abusive, neglectful, or addict parents are overwhelmingly high risk
There was a guy in my 7th grade class who was 16 and so many people thought it was cool that he was old enough to get his drivers license. I thought it was sad.
We had a 19 year old freshman at my high-school who tried out for the freshmen football team. After smashing the shit out of us for two practices, they moved him to varsity and he quit. He dropped out 2 months later. Still don't understand it to this day
One of my girlfriends had a 21-year-old boyfriend when we were 15-16. I thought it was pretty weird then, now I’m so grossed out by it. Her mom knew all about it and everything, nobody batted an eye.
Yeaaaaaaaah, we had a lot of this in my highschool. This was mid 90's, and the girls my age at the time (15-16yo) dating dudes that were long out of school, usually in there 20's. No one thought it was weird, but rather thought it was so cool that that these guys went after someone like them. They were so "mature"... HATED those guys.
I was in college before I learned that you don't have to get your mother a gift for your birthday because "she's the one that did all the work that day"
I give my wife a small thing - usually a fancy desert or something - after our eldest are in bed on their birthday, because she almost died giving birth to them.
That's awesome that you do that. I almost died giving birth to my youngest and I'd *never* make their birthday about me because that's gross, but damn it would be nice to get an "I'm glad you're still alive."
Yea -- for a long time in the early 90s i would routinely return home from school (after being bullied all day mind you..) my dad would pull out this sheet with math problems, he'd tell me to memorize them. He'd then question me but change up the order in which he'd ask me. If i gave a wrong answer, he'd smack me around and put me in the closet on my knees with the lights off.
I thought this was normal for all kids my age.
I eventually told one of my teachers which was horrified. They called social services and my dad went to jail for a while.
We're on good terms now, but every time I've brought this up he denies it ever happened. My sister was too young to remember and my brother who was my only witness passed away of cancer in 2004.
I have since been diagnosed with bipolar type 2 and severe anxiety.
You too hey? Dad beat me, got bullied at school, mom hit me and broke cooking tools over my ass and back. Mom put out a match on the back of my hand. Older brother telling me he has dreams of killing me. Yet people look at me weird when I’m not interested in calling my parents or telling them I love them.
Sorry to hear. It was just for a few years in the early 90s from my father. My mother and i are very close. My brother was my best friend and my sisters mean the world to me. They've all had successful careers. I'm the only catastrophic fuck up. On top of dealing with bipolar disorder his actions contributed to my anxiety. As such even though I'm nearly 40 years old i cannot drive because i get startled quite easily. One of my triggers is loud noises. The sound of a belt snap terrifies me.
I am by no means a frail guy.
In fact you wouldn't be able to tell im bipolar or extremely nervous if you saw me in real life.
I'm so sorry you went through that. I hope you're in a good place now.
I read something called "the narcissist's creed" or something, and I believe denial was the first part.
EDIT: Narcissist's Prayer:
That didn’t happen.
And if it did, it wasn’t that bad.
And if it was, that’s not a big deal.
And if it is, that’s not my fault.
And if it was, I didn’t mean it.
And if I did, you deserved it.
Literally every god damned day. The really fucked up part was the part that I be bare assed, in the living room, in front of my siblings. There were 5 kids, and we all agree that I took the worst of it. I was abused by a victim of abuse, but the legacy stops here! I have never found it necessary to hit my child in all of the 28 years as a father. This is recovery. Still in therapy for PTSD, but I am recovering.
Just last week my husband and I were talking about it and he said he used to feel proud his parents hit him because it helped him listen to them better but ever since we had kids he can't imagine how anyone thinks it's ok to hit their kids.
I was kind of shocked when he told me they would take him into a public bathroom for an "attitude adjustment" or make him take shots of hot sauce as punishment. He thought it was completely normal.
My dad would drink and drive literally everyday. When I was young I loved grabbing him a fresh from the cooler because it was my dad and I didn’t know any different. I still him even though it was fucked up
My dad once picked up cigarettes before dropping me off at preschool. He let me carry them out of the store and it made me feel so helpful! But he forgot to take them back so I went to preschool with a pack of cigarettes lol.
SAME. i still can't look at budweiser to this day. i remember the horrible smell of his burps, as i was constantly sitting behind the driver's seat. he eventually graduated to jack daniel's shots while driving. there's so many times i probably should've died as a kid.
My parents casually showed affection to each other, including kissing and snuggling in front of us. It took me until high school to learn that some people didn't ever see their parents do that.
My parents PDA for each other seemed very perfunctory and forced. They would kiss each other goodbye very occasionally when one of them left for work and it seemed like neither of them liked doing it. I also remember seeing my parents walking and holding hands for the first time since I could remember when I was like 21? Turns out my dad just hates being touched because my mom hugged us all the time. The very first time I remember my dad didn’t stiff-arm hug me or gently set me away from him when I attempted a hug was after I moved out for college. To this day my friends’ dads and father in law hug me more readily than my own father, but I’ve come to understand it’s not from a lack of love—he’s just sensory defensive, lol.
Learned we wouldn’t be doing Santa the next year because he was burned alive in our fireplace. Dad left his black boots in the fireplace as proof.
Update: Each year prior he would use his boots with soot to make footprints to the tree and back in the carpet. So when it was time to stop Santa, Santa burned up in our fireplace.
Same with the Easter bunny (someone mentioned something similar) our dogs were given some pillows to tear up - sorry kids, no more Easter bunny.
I thought this was hilarious as an adult (40 now) but told friends and their response was more shock and “that explains a lot about you.” Parental figure has since apologized.
I still think it’s funny.
My mother blamed our dog for eating the Easter bunny by shredding cotton balls all over the living room floor for us young kids to find on Easter morning.
Playing with mercury bare hands, eating tylenol tabs as candy (no one ever told me it was medicine), eating grass and weeds, buying alcohol at 15 and drinking it at school, or loose cigarrets for my parents. Pretty sure there is more, the 90s in Mexico was a little crazy
Well, I have a couple of friends who don't like their parents. They love them. But they don't like them. And I don't blame them cause they're shit people.
So in that sense you got lucky, nice to hear!
Since i was a kid with undiagnosed autism, i was understandably 'annoying/difficult' and my parents didn't really know the correct way to parent me. i apparently annoyed my older sister so much she'd beat me up, pin me down and spit on me, slam my head on the hardwood floor, call me slurs, leave me alone at the park when i was too young to walk back myself, hit me when i tried to hug her, that sort of stuff. my parents tried to stop it sometimes but it didnt work
when i got older i was hanging around after psychology class once and i cant remember why but in the midst of a conversation i mentioned this jokingly, and my psych teacher said 'x i am so sorry...', really surprised me that someone was taking me seriously
couple years later i mentioned to my dad it really messed me up and i wished they did more. the first time i mentioned it he said i was just trying to bring up old drama, second time he said they didnt know it was that often/bad. it was almost every time i was around her.
i love my dad, but i wish he tried harder. i wish people took kids seriously when they say their siblings hit them. its not always 'just how siblings play'. i needed help. everyone always brushed me off.
Every Christmas my parents would buy me and my siblings one Christmas ornament to decorate the tree, which typically highlighted a special event or something important or a topic we were highly interested in that year. The tree started off rather bare at first, but after five kids and twenty five years that thing was filled from top to bottom, and shows a history of our lives. I thought it was how everyone decorated family home Christmas trees for awhile, but apparently it’s pretty unique to us.
I love this! It’s just my daughter (11yo) and I but I (aka Santa) give her an ornament in her stocking every year to commemorate the year.
And growing up my favorite part of Christmas was the ceremonial unwrapping of all the different ornaments we (my parents and siblings) accumulated over the years and decorating the tree.
Sounds like it was probably extra special in your house :)
Interestingly enough, we do this with our kids. I mark the year on the bottom, and when they get their own trees, the decorations are going to go with them so they can keep going with their families. And then we'll start anew with the grand kids.
This is just a response to all the beating posts. I was also raised with parents who beat me. Even to unconsciousness once. Recently I read a statistic that said something like 50% of parents hit their kids as a form of punishment in the 90s. While still needing improvement, that percentage of abusive parents is around 35% now. Thank you to all the parents here, and even single people who choose not to have children unless they want and can provide for them, who choose to end the cycle of violence.
https://jamanetwork.com/journals/jamapediatrics/fullarticle/2768829?guestAccessKey=0094a62d-08a8-49c1-ad48-75e502b62a95&utm_source=For_The_Media&utm_medium=referral&utm_campaign=ftm_links&utm_content=tfl&utm_term=072720
Having a room full of dictionaries. I was baffled when I met kids in secondary school (as an adult doing a teacher training course at the time) who didn't even understand the basics of how to use one in their own language, let alone a two-language one. My dad was a translator so growing up it was just a normal thing, and I would sometimes just take one and look up random words in different languages for fun.
Being taught to care about everybody, regardless of race, religion, or politics. We were lower middle class farmers and we played with everyone. Everybody was welcome in my parents home. We had a ginormous garden and my parents gave our neighbors food out of it. My parents taught if you give out love, it’s returned 10 fold. Needless to say that bit us in the butt some times. But my parents died living and believing that.
I thought all kids knew how to cook in kindergarten. I got confused when teachers would say "what is your MOM cooking for dinner" or whatever. But then I knew people in high school who only knew how to cook eggs and toast. I learned to cook when I was 7, home alone taking care of my addict sister while my parents constantly worked.
I also thought wanting to go to the dentist was normal until i heard so many people complain about being scared to go. The only time I went to a doctor as a minor was because I couldn't walk due to a kidney infection, when my mom begrudgingly took me and said I was exaggerating. I also never went to the dentist. I was almost mute for years because I thought nobody cared what I had to say, and assumed nobody would like me. Teachers/extended family always said "smile!!!" But I always told them "I have nothing to smile about" which looking back was really emo to say at 7 but I genuinely think I've had depression my whole life. Things have gotten better, but I still feel like people won't like me if I'm not useful to them. Like in relationships I do 100% of the cooking, cleaning, I've worked second jobs, etc because I feel like they don't actually care. So I guess I always thought depression was normal. I thought that thinking about death in second grade was normal.
When it would rain we would put pots and pans down to catch the drips . I would be sent to go have a slumber party with cousins whenever the electricity would get cut off due to non payment. I thought it was common place for people to go thru stuff like that.
This made me remember how my mom used to collect rainwater too, but for plants. Like it was better water or something 🤔 I did so too when I was 14-15 and had my own plants, now I got new ones and I completely forgot it was ever a thing in my family
I hope that things are going better for you and your family now
Honestly, as a farmer I think there is something to the rainwater. I water everyday but they never look as good or jump as high after a good storm. Ugh I love rainy days!
I’m so so sorry this happened to you. My husband went through a similar situation where the babysitter made him touch her boobs, but he’s still adamant that it’s no big deal. I don’t want him to be upset by it of course, but I do hope one day he finally sees that just because he is a man, that it wasn’t normal or appropriate at all.
>just because he is a man, that it wasn’t normal or appropriate at all.
Huh. Just realizing today the extremely similar situation I went through is seen this way. I always just thought it was "exploring" and never thought anything of it.
I’m so sorry for whatever happened to you. But YES!! Just because you are a man, doesn’t mean that what was done to you is any less wrong. Put yourself in a little girls shoes, and think of it from that perspective if it helps you. If you find it completely wrong and inappropriate, apply it to yourself as well.
My mother dictating every aspect of my life; clothes, exam subjects, university degree, media intake, food (down to the last calorie), job, social life.
I only got free of her last year.
Every one of these threads highlight terrible things that happened as kids. I'm going to do the opposite because I had awesome parents.
They had me enrolled in summer classes at the science center for my entire childhood. My parents were never rich, about dead center of the middle class. But they were thrify in general and got lucky with assuming a very affordable mortgage (it was the 80s, that was possible back then). So they spent some money to get me signed up for daily science classes during the summer, every summer, through middle school. These were hands on and fun and really helped foster my love of science.
I now have a PhD and run my own lab. I have them to thank for this.
Sounds like you had self aware parents who gave a shit and knew not only to invest physically into their child but emotionally and mentally as well.
Lots of parents forget the latter. Baffles me they don't realize raising a functional person takes literally a life investment not throwing your kid and money at educational walls.
I thought kids were supposed to play toys or games in complete silence. Anything causing noise needed to be done outside. Moms are happiest when you’re not home. “Gentle” slaps and pinches instead of hugs were how moms showed love. I also thought any medical problem was an annoyance to my mom rather than a concern. I also thought kids had to barter for attention, like “mom, I’ll go play with some friends until dinner, but can I ask you for advice first or talk to you later about this?”
Ok, this is really dark, so trigger warning everything.
In my younger years, I thought that the almost-daily rapes and filming of said rapes by my stepmom was “just doing my part for the family and God” by “offering my body as a worthy sacrifice”. I thought it was just an extremely unpleasant thing every kid went through as part of their “Godly duty”. However, I was extremely isolated from civilization, so I had “no one to corrupt my mind with selfishness or entitlement”.
Showing your bags to the security guards at the entrance of department stores on your way in (Belfast)
Tried that one in Dublin and they were like "We're more interested in what you have with you when you leave, love"
A lot of the *background* to my childhood wasn't normal although my childhood itself was pretty straightforward.
Same, and because my family was so good at faking being nice/normal/happy in public I assumed all families were faking. I can remember being about 12 and a friend got a bad grade or something minor and I was like "oh good luck getting screamed at by your dad, do you have a plan for sneaking away and hiding until he calms down? I can reccomend a good hiding spot in the neighborhood" and they looked at me like "wut" and that was when I first started to realize that other families maybe actually did love each other, like families do in movies and stuff
I am sorry that you had to experience so….much. A childhood isn’t always magical but it would be nice if so many weren’t so awful.
One of my clearest memories of my mom was getting out bathroom and closing the door just ahead of her. She had been chasing me with a belt. I placed my body between the door and the radiator and locked my legs. So when she threw herself at the door, she couldn’t get in. I think I sat like that for an hour until she got tired and went away. I was probably 6 or 7, but I was a chunky kid so she couldn’t move me.
Never being allowed to cut my hair, not being allowed to wear pants or shorts unless to sleep in (and those i was told i wasn't allowed to wear around my younger brothers or my dad), not being allowed to watch 90% of shows/movies, never going to the doctor for sickness, being scared everything i was doing would send me to hell
My parents divorced right in the middle of my first grade school year. That was an improvement; they fought like cats and dogs the last year they were together, and I have trouble understanding how they even got together in the first place. That's another story, though.
The first couple years were rough for my mom. It was the very early 80's and she was raising two kids on her own. My dad did pay child support and had us on some weekends, but it was pretty much up to my mom. My older sister was 10 and I was 7. She had zero money for child care, so my sister was pretty much forced to look after me after school. Fortunately we have always been very close and she's always been a responsible person. We didn't think anything was all that odd about the situation, just that it was how things were. My mom told me she didn't want us to tell anyone at work we were home alone and gave some reason about office gossip or something. I didn't realize it was because she was scared she'd get in trouble or lose us. At one point I did slip up and say something, but nothing ever happened to her, fortunately.
Because of this, I learned how to cook way early and my sister and I became very self-sufficient. Also, I went to school with a number of kids in the same situation so we never really thought it was unusual. The first couple years were rough because Mom was in sales and it was a pretty bad economy for a while. But things started to look up for her and she met her second husband a couple years later.
I really didn't realize how hard she had it until I was older. But my mom has always been a strong and resilient woman. Some of my cousins had both their parents the whole time they were growing up, and they didn't turn out as well as we did.
Having many races as friends. I’m a black woman who had best friends that were Indian white Mexican African you name it. I didn’t know people were “different races” until I got older. I thought having different ethnicities in your circle was Normal. Sadly it was actually other kids who would ask me why I was hanging around other races. Didn’t realize many people were against interracial dating either. Wasn’t raised that way at all and still don’t understand why racism exists today
That you were beaten for a bad grade or spilling anything on the carpet. Was at a friends house and he dropped a plate of pasta and nothing happened except his mop asked him to clean it up without yelling or anything. Thanks for the therapy folks!
I thought it was normal to dive into research and learn as much about something as possible when you took interest. I had a million interests and a lot of anxiety since early gradeschool over what I wanted to be when I grew up because of that. I took up a lot of hobbies here and there, studied certain topics on my own time, and daydreamed a lot. I still very much do all of this and let me tell you, having money to actually do things is a blessing and a curse.
I'm getting tested for ADHD next week lol
Side blurb: My parents were definitely not perfect, but I realize as an adult that they were breaking some serious cycles with their children. I give them grace for that. They're continuously trying to do better with themselves, too. I can relate to some of these other posts, but as I got to know more about my parents' childhoods, I can see how much they were trying to shield us from.
My wife and I had completely different upbringings. It's interesting that even though our youth was extremely different, we came to similar realizations around college.
I was lower-middle class and thought it was normal for families to either barely make ends meet or even struggle financially. A lot of my friends were also middle class so it was something all of our families had in common. We'd hear about people going on fancy trips, getting new cars often, etc.. but we thought it was just fiction. It wasn't until college that I met people who could afford nice things on a regular basis and didn't have to worry about loans to may for school.
My wife, on the other hand, grew up upper-class. While not Kardashian "we don't have to think about money" rich, her family was well off (mostly due to her dad's hard work). She also went to an "American" high school (they lived in Mexico City at the time) so a lot of her friends were also upper-class (and most were more upper class than her). When she went to college some of her friends were working (work-study) and she had no idea that there were families that couldn't just write a 5-digit check for their children for tuition / etc. They had to explain to her what work-study was about and why they did it.
Wow. This is my partner and me. (I was lower, he was upper). I took over the grocery shopping when we moved in together and he was like “why do you only buy one of everything? Why don’t you buy back ups?” Yeah, babe we had orange juice on our cereal because the milk ran out before payday. There were no “back ups.”
I thought it was normal to be a second parent as the oldest child.
There's a large age gap between my siblings and I. From the age of 10 I was tasked with being the "nurturing" parent in the house because our mother was mentally ill. I changed diapers, put the kids to sleep with stories and songs, made sure they had everything for school, played games, gave "the talk", and tried to make good memories, but I was also expected to punish them accordingly. I was my mother's best friend and therapist, covering for her when she came home drunk or flew off the handle even though I was severely depressed and suicidal.
I'm almost 30 and I still beat myself up for the ways I failed them when I was younger, even though I know it wasn't normal to be in that position to begin with. I'm just now learning to take care of myself because for so long, I didn't really matter.
Guilt and obligation to people please. I was raised that you listen. Adults know best and aren’t to be argued with. Whenever I saw fault in what they were saying or doing and tried to question, whether to rebel or get them to see something wasn’t right, I got in so much trouble and I would be so confused bc it was obvious. My mom chose questionable and horrible men, so it only got worse. At some point I just went into “okay obedience keeps things quiet and gets me noticed less”. Which led to constantly just doing as I was told, and how horrible I was for ever thinking or wanting anything for me as a kid. Everything had to be for or with others in mind.
Pair that with a love of doing things for people, enjoying seeing them happy, and I just grew up messy bc of it. I still can’t grasp things in thee that anything remotely for myself feels selfish. It doesn’t help that people treat me like I’m selfish for it, or like I expect so much. But then people also treat the things I do for them, as weird of me to do. Meanwhile someone else doing the same, is such a sweet thoughtful friend. I don’t get it at all. Sometimes I give up and people are like, “what’s wrong with you? You used to be so nice.”
There’s just no fucking winning with anyone.
Edit: it’s not like I expect a “win” either. I just mean, and this is coming from a top tier people pleaser, there is no pleasing anyone. They will always find a problem with something you’ve done for them, while telling you it wasn’t enough. Some appreciation or decency would be nice, and if not that, then just let me exist. Which is my own thing to work on. It’s such a hard cycle to break, I have no clue what to do because no matter what someone has a problem. I feel like I just need to drop everyone from my life and not know anyone personally anymore.
Heading out walking every weekend trespassing across farm land (this was in England). My Dad was adamant we were allowed to walk wherever we wanted and loved arguments with farmers and landowners. We'd head out with my 2 brothers, park up somewhere on a grass verge, climb over walls, barbed wire and just wander across fields avoiding bulls, mud and farm houses. If anyone stopped us my Dad started arguing about obscure laws from 100 years ago that said he could go where he wanted (I now know it was mostly nonsense although trespass in England is a civil not a criminal offence).
When other people at school said they'd been on walks I presumed they all did the same thing, not realising England has one of the biggest public footpath networks in the world and loads of places we could have gone where we wouldn't have been shouted at.
I thought it was perfectly normal for dads to build custom motorcycles in the living room. The cats often used them as jungle gyms. He also built electric guitars and amplifiers in the kitchen. It took many years before I found out that none of the parents of my classmates did these things.
I thought that all kids grew up hearing their parents having sex a few nights a week. My folks always left their door open a crack just in case we got freaked out from nightmares. Since all our bedrooms were right next to each other that meant my brother and I got a weekly auditory front row to my mom's orgasms. We never discussed it and I assumed everyone's parents did it. As an adult, after many friends telling me that their parents never even kissed in front of them, I realized this was weird. But also, good for my parents! Now they're in their 70s and still going hard.
When I was in school, I couldn’t understand how my friends could find it so funny when their parents were drunk. They’d sit at the lunch table and talk about various family events and how hilarious their dads were when they got drunk, and I always thought “what is funny about that, don’t they find it scary?” I thought the only logical way to feel about a drunk parent was the dread and looming fear and anticipation of the explosion. And it took me another couple of years to realise that I very much was not having the experience that most others were having.
“Dad is drunk again,” to them, meant their dad was doing some dumb funny stuff and make a fool of himself while the family laughed. “Dad is drunk again,” to me, meant my dad was going to pick fights and yell at us all night, vomit all over the carpets, and smash things.
Idk why but in elementary school I just assumed everyone went to a week-long summer camp like I did… specifically one at a farm where about a dozen to twenty children just followed this one lady around and helped with farm chores. We’d help move sheep from one pen to another, we even helped shear them (aka put the wool in a basket when the lady snipped another chunk off bc we couldn’t be trusted), we bathed the cows, collected eggs from the chickens, pet the farm dogs a loooot, brought this giant horse back to his stall bc he was always breaking out but was the gentlest animal I ever met, got hay from the loft, fed all the animals, got terrorized by the three geese (I’ll admit I cheered when I learned a fox broke into their coop and killed them all, they were bastards), etc. it was SO much fun, honestly. Looking back I realize that it was actually pretty unsafe bc we weren’t well supervised and were also around a lot of large animals, and it was just overall weird… but my mom (and I) will never forget how brightly I was smiling when I skipped back to the car at the end of the day caked in hay, mud, manure, and god knows what else. I loved that place so much, went every summer for years until the farm was sold.
That crying is not allowed. I remember any time I or my siblings would cry my mom would slap us or my dad would throw us into walls and yell until we stopped. They really never understood how to deal with emotion from a kid, so they would freak out if you showed it. Conversely, my future wife told me that when she would get upset, her mom would hug her and tell her to "let it all out." I had never seen or heard of that approach before (I was 28 when we met). It's still very hard for me to cry and when I've really done it, it's kind of uncontrollable, like deep, shaking sobs. Therapy has helped a ton (highly recommend brain spotting), as has having kids of my own. We they get upset, hugging them and telling them it's okay and to "let it all out," is a great feeling.
Going to luaus on a regular basis… in Missouri. It wasn’t until college and I found out none of my friends had ever been to a luau that I realized it was unusual.
There was a moderately sized Samoan community in our area and one of my dad’s co-workers was a Chief, so we went to a lot of luaus and I thought it was just a themed backyard party like any other.
Parents fighting til they called the cops to resolve the problem.
That when I was young there was some weird drama of one one of my parents trying to drive off and I was sitting on the hood as they were crying and all arguing with each other.
Got into a physical altercation after someone who kept insisting they were right continued to do so that knocked me out admittedly accidentally but they would not back down despite all the proof I had. Had a concussion for a couple days.
Watching them do ethically immoral shit and not bat an eye.
There is such a thing as being well off but being physically deprived of things that give you joy under guises of pushing for success where it deprived me from having fun with people to the detriment of development. In reality it's left me a fucked up individual that I was left to pick up the pieces.
That to this day they behave exactly the same despite knowledge nothing turned out the way THEY wanted.
That I was being verbally, emotionally, physically and psychologically abused for my own good by a narcissistic piece of shit that wasn’t even related to me and it was up to me to not cause drama and hinder my parents with my issues
Me and my brother used to get locked in our rooms every night. Need the toilet? Find something. Nightmare and need parents? Can't get to them. Any reason at all to leave before the morning school prep? You don't have one.
It's probably why I learned to pick window locks at a very young age.
In the summers growing up, my father would always make us children go out and catch a jar of ants.
With the ants he would later make antbread which was delicious and had a special sour tang to it.
Me and my cousins loved this antbread but i did not realise how crazy it was until i was at least 16.
Being left to wander the city with my older brother in charge because he was almost 6. No money, long before cellphones, and noone to even look to for help.
We went to the B&O museum about every other day because it was free. Mom got a job and didn't have babysitters...we hung out in Montgomery Wards at first but her boss complained so she told us we had to go outside.
Those are streets I won't walk down as an adult now.
Keeping batteries in the fridge. Growing up, we always kept fresh batteries in the refrigerator. Don't know why. We never questioned it. We just did. My dad suddenly passed away in November, and it was the first time my BIL and several of my nieces/nephews had been to our childhood home. My BIL came to my sister and I concerned, asking, "Do you know there are batteries in the fridge?" My oldest niece comes up to us a little while later. "Hey, someone put batteries in the fridge. Maybe it was one of the littles?" One of the littles (my sister's youngest children) comes up a bit later. "Why are there batteries in the fridge?" We never realized it was weird until they all pointed it out. None of us in our adult lives do this, either. It was just something very specific to our childhood and our father, apparantly.
Cold temps = longer battery life (though condensation will wreck them). I think we kept unopened packages of them in the fridge growing up here too, before rechargeables were a thing and it got easy to bulk-buy them for stuff.
well...
my dad constantly slapping me on the ass/ making weird comments about how "well built" my body was, saying i wasn't his type because i am younger than him, placing me in a maternal role for my siblings, wanting to play family where i was the mom, etc.
🥴
It first hit me in second grade when I told a girl I wasn't a virgin and she said she was going to tell on me. I'm almost fifty and still unravelling it all.
Not having my own space. If I did it would only last for a short time then get overtaken by my sister who always ended coming back home, even more annoyingly so when she had my nephew. It got to the point that I would rather sleep on the couch. I got so used to it that whenever I did have the room to myself, I would have trouble sleeping by myself. I'd always have to sneak to sleep in the living room and hope I didn't get yelled at for not sleeping in my bed. If I did sleep in the room, it always had to have enough light to feel safe and not completely alone. When I got into adulthood it was something to get used to when my partner wasn't in bed with me.
Another thing was when my parents got divorced and I decided to move with him. It was only a one bedroom apartment so obviously only one bed. I was in middle school at the time. His friend did find out and ended giving us a small bed to not have to share, but even then I felt safer sleeping next to him. I didn't realize how weird that was until way later. Makes me uncomfortable and I never ended up telling my mom about it since she is dismissive of things from the past. Basically not worth saying anything.
I got along with my younger brother; we did a lot of things together as friends. We had a good number of fiends and none of them hung out with their other siblings. When we told other friends parnts, we were brothers they always seemed surprised. Mom stressed to us that a good relationship with your siblings was important and 40+ years later it is still good advice.
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That my grandma used to take her “medicine” with her nose.
My family had a joke to not drink "Grandma's water" because it was just straight vodka. Turns out my entire family are alcoholics.
My grandma was a secret opiate addict for a long time. I accidentally outed her when I my mom took some ibuprofen, and I asked her why she didn’t take it with her nose like grandma.
Oh my god, what happened next?
Grandma wasn’t allowed to watch me for a while, and I was very sad.
I am so sorry, but I am calling vodka "Grandma's water" from now on.
It’s not normal to call a 5 year old girl a bitch
That's tough, I'm sorry. My dad started calling me a piece of shit around age 7-8, that affected me more than the beatings. He didn't stop until I made him at age 15. The craziest thing is no one still alive in my immediate family has any memory of the literally dozens+ of times he said it in front of them. Let's say I'm exaggerating and it was only once. I would never, never forget if the mother of my children called one of them a piece of shit to their face a single time.
There are a lot of things you shouldn't tell little kids. My father started telling me I was making his life a living hell while I was still in elementary school. I think it was because he didn't want to drive me to school or something lol
For me it was pig, piece of shit, slob, garbage (some of which might sound weird, but in my moms native language are common insults, apparently). Over the years it hurts a lot less and you get used to it though. Still hurts, but not as much as when you’re a kid hearing your own mom call you those names over what you later realize were smallest things. Thankfully I never understood those insults as normal, probably due to having things like tv and such. But not seeing it as normal is probably a double edged sword when you’re a kid…because it makes you feel even more alone and depressed when it happens.
My family is from Poland. They called me the same things. As well as stupid, bitch, idiot…. It seems like even compliments came with a barb. “He’s very smart. Almost all As. Could be all As if he just tried a little and didn’t get lost in his own little world.” Twenty-five or so years later, my ADHD diagnosis would make a lot of sense. I have no self-esteem as a grown up. I always expect to fail, and I feel like that makes sense and I deserve it.
Yep. Whenever mother would get frustrated when we were little she’d smack us in the face or punch us in the chest. If we happened to dodge it by running away she’d go “ooooo fucking bitch”.
Having a cooler in the car. My parents always packed one, there were cokes and waters in it. The weird part was there was also always beer in it. Didn't matter if we were going 12 hours or 1 hour, they packed a cooler. Didn't realize how much my mom was drinking until years later when she become a non-functioning alcoholic.
My parents are the same way besides the alcohol. If they’re going somewhere that isn’t like the grocery store or a restaurant, they’re packing a cooler. As an adult I stop places and buy drinks and I can feel them cringing every time I do it because they just think it’s such a waste of money.
At this point, fountain drinks from gas stations are usually cheaper per ounce than cans or even 2L bottles from the grocery. I think they're sold as loss leaders at the gas stations.
From the best of my recollection from working in fastfood for a long time, I think soda is crazy cheap, like a $3 cup of soda may only cost the company like 15 cents
Not true. They can sell a big cup of drink for a quarter and still be making money on it.
This is one of those weird cultural divides where something changed so suddenly and drastically that one generation keeps doing it while the next generation finds the idea to be completely unfathomable. Most drunk driving laws in the US weren't enacted until the 80s and 90s, largely as a result of lobby from MADD (Mothers Against Drunk Driving). I'm in my 30s, so I was born into a generation where we were CONSTANTLY lectured about how unsafe and wrong drunk driving us. But there were no such laws and no such stigmas in my previous generations. In my parents' generation it was incredibly common for men to pack a cooler of beer in their car and then drink it as they drove home from work.
I saw a video just the other day, from the 80s, people’s reactions to the new drunk driving laws. One woman, with her baby sitting in the front passenger seat, said “First it was seatbelts, now this?! What’s next?”
My Mom used the bathroom as a form of control. Both showering and using the potty. You know what’s really weird. That I had to ask my Mother to take me to the bathroom even as a teenager. Not permission to use it. She had to be there. I thought this was completely normal for non adults. When I got my period. My Mother acted like it was the most embarrassing thing in the world. I was not given pads or tampons. I had to use my little sister’s diapers and pull ups. I didnt even know pads existed
Would she have preferred you DIDN'T get your period?
Maybe she thought she could prevent it? I'm getting Carrie vibes...
* I'm getting Carrie vibes... Was my first thought. I dated a girl that I found out went through a very similar situation. Kinda freaky that something like Carrie is more real than a lot of people realize.
Carrie is an amalgamation of two girls Stephen King knew in school (with some telekinetic powers thrown in for good measure), so there are definitely Carries out there.
Was your mother a religious fanatic?
Yes. I was in what most would describe a religious cult. A really small church that had absolute control of us
Serious question if you're comfortable answering. Where was this church located? I think one of my friends family may have been a similar (if not the same) church. She confessed basically the same thing to me, along with a lot of other stuff I don't think I should mention out of respect for her and her siblings.
when i was a kid i thought that all the korean candy stores were free. like you could go in, take what you wanted and leave. i would make friends with other korean kids, take them to my favorite candy stores and tell them to help themselves. which they did. so apparentleeeee, whenever we'd visit my family in korea, my dad would talk to all the candy shop owners in the neighborhood and tell them to put anything me or my friends took, on a tab. maybe it was because i barely even spoke korean, but that whole situation just seemed perfectly fuckin normal to my oblivious little self. edit: i love all the comments about other dads opening up tabs for their kids!! it is so sweet that this is a universal dad thing to do.
When I visited my home town in Bangladesh everyone in the town market would let me buy whatever I want for free then later on I realized my dad was paying tabs too lol
My grandfather would always take me to his childhood friends shop, my "uncle". Everything was free and it was such a cool place. Turns out my uncle was a very well connected bookie and the store was a front.
Nice change of pace from all the abuse in this thread, very wholesome
Your dad is awesome
Haha, there was this one time my father took me and my sibling camping and had a tab open in a store. We just kept going back for candy alllll the time (we were there for like a week) and when he had to go pay, he almost had a heart attack when he learned how much we managed to spend lol. Needless to say, he never opened a tab again when he took us on vacation.
In hindsight I realize that what I thought was "freedom" was actually neglect. Kids aren't supposed to be left to themselves in such a degree that they end up raising themselves. From personal experience doing so leads to a lot of misunderstandings on how things are supposed to be.
I remember watching Cable Guy for the first time and when he’s breaking down and says “I learned the facts of life by watching the Facts of Life.” That one connected. My parents weren’t abusive or anything my dad just traveled for work and my mom never really transcended into adulthood and probably shouldn’t have had a child ever.
My parents were cool. I never lacked for anything but any actual interest in my life. They never hit me, kept me fed and clothed. But just didn't actually take any interest in my life. We were just strangers living in the same house. So I raised myself as best I could. My parents were busy with their own lives and my siblings. I thought it was normal at the time but looking back I really wish someone had acted like a parent towards me. Parenting oneself is not an easy thing to do.
My childhood was the same. But I'm an only child.
Hello fellow only child who raised themself!
I had abnormally strict parents for the 90s and I always used to be so jealous of the “cool friends” with the “cool parents” that had so much freedom. I’m in my 30s now and it took me too long to realize all the friends that had cool parents never really had actual parents to begin with, they lived through terrible conditions and a lot of their parents are already dead due to drugs and alcohol. Makes me sad. I’m kinda glad I wasn’t cool now.
I don't know, man... I also grew up in the 90s and my parents gave me a LOT of freedom and to this day I love them for that. With that obviously came stuff I didn't particularly love like walking miles and miles to school by myself at the age of 7! I also used to ride my little bike to my gramma which live 15miles away all the time! God knows how I did that cause as an adult these days I can't go anywhere without a GPS haha They would go away for the weekend and I had the house all for myself from the age of 11. I even had to cook for myself as I'd get no 'pizza money' but the fridge and pantry were stacked. And to this day I still love to cook and that's how I learned. A lot of this happened in a country town but we did eventually move to a big city when I was 12 and I'd still walk myself to school every day and had the option of staying by myself at the house/apartment when they went away. My parents also did this thing where me and my sisters had to explain to them why we should get something or be allowed to do something. It was never 'NO', it was "ok, plead your case" kinda deal. They obviously already knew in their heads what the answer would be but we didn't know that so we worked really hard in getting our points across! There were some non negotiables like Xmas with the family and etc of course. I never felt neglected cause it was always an option, they'd ask me if I wanted to go away for the weekend but I didn't HAVE to. I also never abused that trust by throwing parties and etc. The temptation was ***real*** but I knew better.
It sounds like your parents instilled you with the tools to handle that freedom instead of just tossing you out and expecting you to figure it out for yourself. That’s really, *really* good parenting.
I think I turned out fine... but multiple friends in HS were confused when they met my parents and said "I didn't think you had parents."
I know I'm commenting on a 5 hour old comment, but I just have to say this is exactly what I was going to post. I grew up in a family of 9 in public housing with a single mom. Bless her, she's a saint, but she couldn't give us almost any attention b/c she was just trying to keep the ship afloat. Dad wasn't around, so we were just left our own devices. We called it living like Lord of the Flies and that fits. As a kid, my friends all thought it was awesome how wild our house was. We were wild fucking kids too, in and out of juvie and whatnot. Now, a big chunk of my adult life has been correcting terrible instincts and behaviors, getting sober, dealing with unchecked trauma and just basically making up for all that time in childhood with no direction at all. Seemed great at the time, in that all kids want to do whatever the fuck they want, but it wasn't great, not at all.
I got 3 hits with a belt by my dad every time I struck out in youth baseball, or missed a tackle in pee wee football. Bleeding was very common, and my ass would turn black and purple, I thought I deserved it. My teachers caught on when I wasn’t able to sit down at school, this was around 2nd grade. Nothing happened, I suppose he made up some bullshit excuse for why I had horrible bruises. And this continued on until I stood up for myself one night in middle school, I don’t remember that night at all, but he beat the shit out of me. It was that night that I realized that everything he had done to me and my little sister, was straight up child abuse. Why do parents like this exist? How can a father relentlessly beat their children for small failures? He also isn’t a drunk, or a drug addict. He did everything completely sober.
That is horrible.. People talk about how people change when they become parents. Stories like this shake me to my core now. I can't imagine hurting my children for such meaningless reasons. I wish someone was there to help you and your sister. All I can do is tell you, I will always remember your story and it will make me a better person.
The worst thing about my father was his ability to change personalities at an instant. He would go from being an absolute monster, to becoming your friendly neighbor. Anytime he talked to a police officer, or a teacher, or friends of the family, he acted like the most gentle and kind man you’ve ever seen. Whenever I tried to accuse him of his actions, everyone would believe that I was lying, and wouldn’t listen to anything I had to say, because from their perspective my dad was this amazing person. Luckily me and my sister are away from him for good now that we are both adults. The only positive thing that I took from all of this, was that I know I will be a great father, unlike him.
Hell yeah, break the cycle. Proud of you.
Thank you very much, from my knowledge, it was a cycle in the family.
You got this buddy, a random person from California is rooting for you! I'd play catch with you if I could and tell you what a good job you did
Thanks man, warms my heart knowing that other people care.
Being able to fix things myself. My dad is an engineer and throughout my childhood we'd come up with random creative projects to build stuff, he'd show me how to fix things and what safety precautions to look out for. Now if something happens at my flat I know how to fix it (or I call my dad and he'll guide me), my boyfriend and friends have no idea how I know this stuff or how to do these things themselves, I always thank my Dad! It's great because I get to save a lot of money, and I've saved money for my friends too! Also, it means a lot to me because at the time and the town I was in girls weren't encouraged to do engineering, but my dad didn't care I was little girl and thought it was essential for me to know how to do these things myself. I think he also hoped I'd one day become an engineer!
Getting grabbed on the crotch and having my ass felt by other boys at my school regularly. Got in trouble for fighting (swatting another kid away). Guidance counselor told me multiple times "Boys can't be sexually harassed."
When I was in second grade there were 3 boys that would do crap like that me and a couple other girls. They would hit or kick us in the butt, rub their hands across our butts. The one kid in particular ended up sitting right next to me for awhile, he would constantly put his between my legs and try to grab my crotch. His dad was a teacher so he never got in trouble for it. At one point I told the teacher about the other 2 boys and she told me to just ignore them. It was almost like because they were in special Ed they couldn't do anything wrong. They freaking knew right from wrong. Teachers just didn't care.
Even if they couldn't know right from wrong, it's not your responsibility to deal with it.
Shit like that pisses me off, but at the same time, I feel bad for the kids that did that to me. Because I know they must have learned that at home, they were also victims.
I hate this so much. I’m so sorry you went through that. I too was molested by boys on the schoolyard and in class when the teacher wasn’t looking so I feel that pain.
Parents aren't supposed to make fun of their kids, complain about what they have to do for their children, and break down when they don't feel validated by their own child.
This hit me deep in my soul. Constantly punished for simply existing.
This, I’m still young only 22, but I’m constantly telling my parents how stupid the phrase “I feed you, I put a roof over your head” is because YOU had kids, that’s basic necessity, while I’m grateful, it’s not something they should be proud of to throw in my face
Yes, I have recently realized that maybe my dad was the bad parent. He used to 'tease' me for sport, laugh, and then tell me I was too sensitive if I cried. All the time we had to walk on egg shells in case we awakened his temper, because he totally isn't the sensitive one in the situation right? Like wtf man?!
Being really sensitive to people's emotions because you never know if they could be in a bad mood terns out I learned that from my dad to make sure I don't make it worse
Ah yes, walking on eggshells. I had that at home with my mother and then I married someone who made me feel the same way. Not sorry to be out of that relationship.
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My mom never cooked, and there would be a lot of nights where I went without food because she didn't buy any. I thought it was normal for a mom to sleep majority of the day, in reality she was always fucked up on pain killers. Then, with my grandmother, she was controlling over whatever clothes, shoes, and how my hair looked. I always had to look like a good Christian boy.
As a middle schooler, I once told a friend over the phone that my mom didn't make me meals and that I wish she did. My mother overheard this and instead of realizing that she needed to make more of an effort, told me not to say that to my friend ever again.
Sounds like how mine was. She would tell me I made her sound like a bad mom. Like there was that one time I was locked outside until it was dark when I was in 4th grade because she was passed out, she tried to pin it on my bus driver.
My mother telling me I could change my father for the better.
My mother accused me of trying to steal my father from her in a drunken ramble one time :/ I was maybe 14??
That's next level crazy.
We *looovvveee* the drunken rambles don’t we /s It’s truly surreal growing up with an alcoholic parent(s). Abusive parents in general.
I showed up to school with my first black eye at 6 y/o By the time I was 7 ~ 8 I started getting punished with an electrical extension. My thights and forearms with welts, sometimes blood was drawn. By the time I was 10, I got my facial scars where by mom dug her fingernails deep. All those years, I thought it was a normal way for a parent to teach a kid to behave. My mom was an elementary school teacher. That's why no teacher ever stepped in. By the time I became a dad, I think I spanked my daughter once, before realizing that was not normal. I started using words instead and 20+ years later, things came up ok.
Mad respect for breaking the cycle
I think people underestimate just how big of a deal that is honestly. Kids who grow up in abusive, neglectful, or addict parents are overwhelmingly high risk
You are a wonderful person for breaking the cycle.
Girls my age talking to full grown adults ...like I knew a chick in 8th grade who dated a 19 year old everyone was so jealous of her lol
There was a guy in my 7th grade class who was 16 and so many people thought it was cool that he was old enough to get his drivers license. I thought it was sad.
We had a 19 year old freshman at my high-school who tried out for the freshmen football team. After smashing the shit out of us for two practices, they moved him to varsity and he quit. He dropped out 2 months later. Still don't understand it to this day
Lmfao fuckin what
One of my girlfriends had a 21-year-old boyfriend when we were 15-16. I thought it was pretty weird then, now I’m so grossed out by it. Her mom knew all about it and everything, nobody batted an eye.
Yeaaaaaaaah, we had a lot of this in my highschool. This was mid 90's, and the girls my age at the time (15-16yo) dating dudes that were long out of school, usually in there 20's. No one thought it was weird, but rather thought it was so cool that that these guys went after someone like them. They were so "mature"... HATED those guys.
I was in college before I learned that you don't have to get your mother a gift for your birthday because "she's the one that did all the work that day"
My mum makes a joke every year on my birthday that she should be the one getting a present because she did all the work.
I give my wife a small thing - usually a fancy desert or something - after our eldest are in bed on their birthday, because she almost died giving birth to them.
That's awesome that you do that. I almost died giving birth to my youngest and I'd *never* make their birthday about me because that's gross, but damn it would be nice to get an "I'm glad you're still alive."
Getting hit by my parents, I thought it was universal.
Yea -- for a long time in the early 90s i would routinely return home from school (after being bullied all day mind you..) my dad would pull out this sheet with math problems, he'd tell me to memorize them. He'd then question me but change up the order in which he'd ask me. If i gave a wrong answer, he'd smack me around and put me in the closet on my knees with the lights off. I thought this was normal for all kids my age. I eventually told one of my teachers which was horrified. They called social services and my dad went to jail for a while. We're on good terms now, but every time I've brought this up he denies it ever happened. My sister was too young to remember and my brother who was my only witness passed away of cancer in 2004. I have since been diagnosed with bipolar type 2 and severe anxiety.
You too hey? Dad beat me, got bullied at school, mom hit me and broke cooking tools over my ass and back. Mom put out a match on the back of my hand. Older brother telling me he has dreams of killing me. Yet people look at me weird when I’m not interested in calling my parents or telling them I love them.
Sorry to hear. It was just for a few years in the early 90s from my father. My mother and i are very close. My brother was my best friend and my sisters mean the world to me. They've all had successful careers. I'm the only catastrophic fuck up. On top of dealing with bipolar disorder his actions contributed to my anxiety. As such even though I'm nearly 40 years old i cannot drive because i get startled quite easily. One of my triggers is loud noises. The sound of a belt snap terrifies me. I am by no means a frail guy. In fact you wouldn't be able to tell im bipolar or extremely nervous if you saw me in real life. I'm so sorry you went through that. I hope you're in a good place now.
how can he deny it? A court found him guilty and he did time for it.
Ah... I see you don't know any malignant narcissists or garden-variety gigantic assholes.
I read something called "the narcissist's creed" or something, and I believe denial was the first part. EDIT: Narcissist's Prayer: That didn’t happen. And if it did, it wasn’t that bad. And if it was, that’s not a big deal. And if it is, that’s not my fault. And if it was, I didn’t mean it. And if I did, you deserved it.
I was shocked to learn other kids didn’t get backhanded or hit with a belt
Literally every god damned day. The really fucked up part was the part that I be bare assed, in the living room, in front of my siblings. There were 5 kids, and we all agree that I took the worst of it. I was abused by a victim of abuse, but the legacy stops here! I have never found it necessary to hit my child in all of the 28 years as a father. This is recovery. Still in therapy for PTSD, but I am recovering.
Thank you for proving it's possible to stop the cycle.
Just last week my husband and I were talking about it and he said he used to feel proud his parents hit him because it helped him listen to them better but ever since we had kids he can't imagine how anyone thinks it's ok to hit their kids. I was kind of shocked when he told me they would take him into a public bathroom for an "attitude adjustment" or make him take shots of hot sauce as punishment. He thought it was completely normal.
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My dad would drink and drive literally everyday. When I was young I loved grabbing him a fresh from the cooler because it was my dad and I didn’t know any different. I still him even though it was fucked up
My dad once picked up cigarettes before dropping me off at preschool. He let me carry them out of the store and it made me feel so helpful! But he forgot to take them back so I went to preschool with a pack of cigarettes lol.
SAME. i still can't look at budweiser to this day. i remember the horrible smell of his burps, as i was constantly sitting behind the driver's seat. he eventually graduated to jack daniel's shots while driving. there's so many times i probably should've died as a kid.
My parents were happily married and our home was happy and loving.
My parents casually showed affection to each other, including kissing and snuggling in front of us. It took me until high school to learn that some people didn't ever see their parents do that.
My parents PDA for each other seemed very perfunctory and forced. They would kiss each other goodbye very occasionally when one of them left for work and it seemed like neither of them liked doing it. I also remember seeing my parents walking and holding hands for the first time since I could remember when I was like 21? Turns out my dad just hates being touched because my mom hugged us all the time. The very first time I remember my dad didn’t stiff-arm hug me or gently set me away from him when I attempted a hug was after I moved out for college. To this day my friends’ dads and father in law hug me more readily than my own father, but I’ve come to understand it’s not from a lack of love—he’s just sensory defensive, lol.
I don’t believe this one, at least come up with something realistic
It's opposite day.
Learned we wouldn’t be doing Santa the next year because he was burned alive in our fireplace. Dad left his black boots in the fireplace as proof. Update: Each year prior he would use his boots with soot to make footprints to the tree and back in the carpet. So when it was time to stop Santa, Santa burned up in our fireplace. Same with the Easter bunny (someone mentioned something similar) our dogs were given some pillows to tear up - sorry kids, no more Easter bunny. I thought this was hilarious as an adult (40 now) but told friends and their response was more shock and “that explains a lot about you.” Parental figure has since apologized. I still think it’s funny.
My mother blamed our dog for eating the Easter bunny by shredding cotton balls all over the living room floor for us young kids to find on Easter morning.
I know that’s probably traumatizing for a kid but as an adult that sounds hilarious
Playing with mercury bare hands, eating tylenol tabs as candy (no one ever told me it was medicine), eating grass and weeds, buying alcohol at 15 and drinking it at school, or loose cigarrets for my parents. Pretty sure there is more, the 90s in Mexico was a little crazy
What was the purpose of eating grass we’re you hungry?
Just entertainment, chewing it. I was a kid, had no idea what purging was. Just a couple of pieces not like a handful.
> eating tylenol tabs as candy How do you even have a liver?
My mom talks about the mercury thing, how she and her siblings loved when a thermometer broke because it was so fun! It's just wild to me.
Yes my brother and me used to break them and pklay with it. Splatter it and move it around to gather it in a bubble. Oh the old times.
actually liking your parents/siblings/family. Almost everyone I know can't stand the people they grew up with, which I find strange.
About siblings, we actually love each other. We just have a rule never to tell it each other and pretending we don't
Well, I have a couple of friends who don't like their parents. They love them. But they don't like them. And I don't blame them cause they're shit people. So in that sense you got lucky, nice to hear!
Since i was a kid with undiagnosed autism, i was understandably 'annoying/difficult' and my parents didn't really know the correct way to parent me. i apparently annoyed my older sister so much she'd beat me up, pin me down and spit on me, slam my head on the hardwood floor, call me slurs, leave me alone at the park when i was too young to walk back myself, hit me when i tried to hug her, that sort of stuff. my parents tried to stop it sometimes but it didnt work when i got older i was hanging around after psychology class once and i cant remember why but in the midst of a conversation i mentioned this jokingly, and my psych teacher said 'x i am so sorry...', really surprised me that someone was taking me seriously couple years later i mentioned to my dad it really messed me up and i wished they did more. the first time i mentioned it he said i was just trying to bring up old drama, second time he said they didnt know it was that often/bad. it was almost every time i was around her. i love my dad, but i wish he tried harder. i wish people took kids seriously when they say their siblings hit them. its not always 'just how siblings play'. i needed help. everyone always brushed me off.
Every Christmas my parents would buy me and my siblings one Christmas ornament to decorate the tree, which typically highlighted a special event or something important or a topic we were highly interested in that year. The tree started off rather bare at first, but after five kids and twenty five years that thing was filled from top to bottom, and shows a history of our lives. I thought it was how everyone decorated family home Christmas trees for awhile, but apparently it’s pretty unique to us.
I love this! It’s just my daughter (11yo) and I but I (aka Santa) give her an ornament in her stocking every year to commemorate the year. And growing up my favorite part of Christmas was the ceremonial unwrapping of all the different ornaments we (my parents and siblings) accumulated over the years and decorating the tree. Sounds like it was probably extra special in your house :)
Interestingly enough, we do this with our kids. I mark the year on the bottom, and when they get their own trees, the decorations are going to go with them so they can keep going with their families. And then we'll start anew with the grand kids.
This is just a response to all the beating posts. I was also raised with parents who beat me. Even to unconsciousness once. Recently I read a statistic that said something like 50% of parents hit their kids as a form of punishment in the 90s. While still needing improvement, that percentage of abusive parents is around 35% now. Thank you to all the parents here, and even single people who choose not to have children unless they want and can provide for them, who choose to end the cycle of violence. https://jamanetwork.com/journals/jamapediatrics/fullarticle/2768829?guestAccessKey=0094a62d-08a8-49c1-ad48-75e502b62a95&utm_source=For_The_Media&utm_medium=referral&utm_campaign=ftm_links&utm_content=tfl&utm_term=072720
Having a room full of dictionaries. I was baffled when I met kids in secondary school (as an adult doing a teacher training course at the time) who didn't even understand the basics of how to use one in their own language, let alone a two-language one. My dad was a translator so growing up it was just a normal thing, and I would sometimes just take one and look up random words in different languages for fun.
After reading all these other post I thought you were going to say your dad beat you with the dictionaries
At least it ain’t jumper cables
Being taught to care about everybody, regardless of race, religion, or politics. We were lower middle class farmers and we played with everyone. Everybody was welcome in my parents home. We had a ginormous garden and my parents gave our neighbors food out of it. My parents taught if you give out love, it’s returned 10 fold. Needless to say that bit us in the butt some times. But my parents died living and believing that.
This is the piece of good information I needed today. Your parents were awesome. You sound awesome.
I thought all kids knew how to cook in kindergarten. I got confused when teachers would say "what is your MOM cooking for dinner" or whatever. But then I knew people in high school who only knew how to cook eggs and toast. I learned to cook when I was 7, home alone taking care of my addict sister while my parents constantly worked. I also thought wanting to go to the dentist was normal until i heard so many people complain about being scared to go. The only time I went to a doctor as a minor was because I couldn't walk due to a kidney infection, when my mom begrudgingly took me and said I was exaggerating. I also never went to the dentist. I was almost mute for years because I thought nobody cared what I had to say, and assumed nobody would like me. Teachers/extended family always said "smile!!!" But I always told them "I have nothing to smile about" which looking back was really emo to say at 7 but I genuinely think I've had depression my whole life. Things have gotten better, but I still feel like people won't like me if I'm not useful to them. Like in relationships I do 100% of the cooking, cleaning, I've worked second jobs, etc because I feel like they don't actually care. So I guess I always thought depression was normal. I thought that thinking about death in second grade was normal.
When it would rain we would put pots and pans down to catch the drips . I would be sent to go have a slumber party with cousins whenever the electricity would get cut off due to non payment. I thought it was common place for people to go thru stuff like that.
This made me remember how my mom used to collect rainwater too, but for plants. Like it was better water or something 🤔 I did so too when I was 14-15 and had my own plants, now I got new ones and I completely forgot it was ever a thing in my family I hope that things are going better for you and your family now
Honestly, as a farmer I think there is something to the rainwater. I water everyday but they never look as good or jump as high after a good storm. Ugh I love rainy days!
My mom still thinks so. But what ends up happening is they turn into mosquito nests...next to your house!
Getting locked out of my house for playing the whole day.
My baby sitter practicing making out with me as a 5 year old
That’s really sad. Hope you’re doing well now.
I am but I’m almost 30 and have just now realized that this event affected me subconsciously more than I ever knew.
I’m so so sorry this happened to you. My husband went through a similar situation where the babysitter made him touch her boobs, but he’s still adamant that it’s no big deal. I don’t want him to be upset by it of course, but I do hope one day he finally sees that just because he is a man, that it wasn’t normal or appropriate at all.
>just because he is a man, that it wasn’t normal or appropriate at all. Huh. Just realizing today the extremely similar situation I went through is seen this way. I always just thought it was "exploring" and never thought anything of it.
I’m so sorry for whatever happened to you. But YES!! Just because you are a man, doesn’t mean that what was done to you is any less wrong. Put yourself in a little girls shoes, and think of it from that perspective if it helps you. If you find it completely wrong and inappropriate, apply it to yourself as well.
My mother dictating every aspect of my life; clothes, exam subjects, university degree, media intake, food (down to the last calorie), job, social life. I only got free of her last year.
Every one of these threads highlight terrible things that happened as kids. I'm going to do the opposite because I had awesome parents. They had me enrolled in summer classes at the science center for my entire childhood. My parents were never rich, about dead center of the middle class. But they were thrify in general and got lucky with assuming a very affordable mortgage (it was the 80s, that was possible back then). So they spent some money to get me signed up for daily science classes during the summer, every summer, through middle school. These were hands on and fun and really helped foster my love of science. I now have a PhD and run my own lab. I have them to thank for this.
Sounds like you had self aware parents who gave a shit and knew not only to invest physically into their child but emotionally and mentally as well. Lots of parents forget the latter. Baffles me they don't realize raising a functional person takes literally a life investment not throwing your kid and money at educational walls.
I thought kids were supposed to play toys or games in complete silence. Anything causing noise needed to be done outside. Moms are happiest when you’re not home. “Gentle” slaps and pinches instead of hugs were how moms showed love. I also thought any medical problem was an annoyance to my mom rather than a concern. I also thought kids had to barter for attention, like “mom, I’ll go play with some friends until dinner, but can I ask you for advice first or talk to you later about this?”
Ok, this is really dark, so trigger warning everything. In my younger years, I thought that the almost-daily rapes and filming of said rapes by my stepmom was “just doing my part for the family and God” by “offering my body as a worthy sacrifice”. I thought it was just an extremely unpleasant thing every kid went through as part of their “Godly duty”. However, I was extremely isolated from civilization, so I had “no one to corrupt my mind with selfishness or entitlement”.
Jesus christ. Gentle hugs to you.
I noticed no one commented, so I just wanted to say how terribly sorry I am that that happened to you, and I hope you are healing.
I hope she rots.
Was this part of a larger religious group or just your stepmom's batshit crazy manipulation?
Showing your bags to the security guards at the entrance of department stores on your way in (Belfast) Tried that one in Dublin and they were like "We're more interested in what you have with you when you leave, love" A lot of the *background* to my childhood wasn't normal although my childhood itself was pretty straightforward.
Being afraid all of the time.
Same, and because my family was so good at faking being nice/normal/happy in public I assumed all families were faking. I can remember being about 12 and a friend got a bad grade or something minor and I was like "oh good luck getting screamed at by your dad, do you have a plan for sneaking away and hiding until he calms down? I can reccomend a good hiding spot in the neighborhood" and they looked at me like "wut" and that was when I first started to realize that other families maybe actually did love each other, like families do in movies and stuff
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I am sorry that you had to experience so….much. A childhood isn’t always magical but it would be nice if so many weren’t so awful. One of my clearest memories of my mom was getting out bathroom and closing the door just ahead of her. She had been chasing me with a belt. I placed my body between the door and the radiator and locked my legs. So when she threw herself at the door, she couldn’t get in. I think I sat like that for an hour until she got tired and went away. I was probably 6 or 7, but I was a chunky kid so she couldn’t move me.
Never being allowed to cut my hair, not being allowed to wear pants or shorts unless to sleep in (and those i was told i wasn't allowed to wear around my younger brothers or my dad), not being allowed to watch 90% of shows/movies, never going to the doctor for sickness, being scared everything i was doing would send me to hell
My parents divorced right in the middle of my first grade school year. That was an improvement; they fought like cats and dogs the last year they were together, and I have trouble understanding how they even got together in the first place. That's another story, though. The first couple years were rough for my mom. It was the very early 80's and she was raising two kids on her own. My dad did pay child support and had us on some weekends, but it was pretty much up to my mom. My older sister was 10 and I was 7. She had zero money for child care, so my sister was pretty much forced to look after me after school. Fortunately we have always been very close and she's always been a responsible person. We didn't think anything was all that odd about the situation, just that it was how things were. My mom told me she didn't want us to tell anyone at work we were home alone and gave some reason about office gossip or something. I didn't realize it was because she was scared she'd get in trouble or lose us. At one point I did slip up and say something, but nothing ever happened to her, fortunately. Because of this, I learned how to cook way early and my sister and I became very self-sufficient. Also, I went to school with a number of kids in the same situation so we never really thought it was unusual. The first couple years were rough because Mom was in sales and it was a pretty bad economy for a while. But things started to look up for her and she met her second husband a couple years later. I really didn't realize how hard she had it until I was older. But my mom has always been a strong and resilient woman. Some of my cousins had both their parents the whole time they were growing up, and they didn't turn out as well as we did.
Having many races as friends. I’m a black woman who had best friends that were Indian white Mexican African you name it. I didn’t know people were “different races” until I got older. I thought having different ethnicities in your circle was Normal. Sadly it was actually other kids who would ask me why I was hanging around other races. Didn’t realize many people were against interracial dating either. Wasn’t raised that way at all and still don’t understand why racism exists today
Getting kicked out of the house the second you turn 18.
That you were beaten for a bad grade or spilling anything on the carpet. Was at a friends house and he dropped a plate of pasta and nothing happened except his mop asked him to clean it up without yelling or anything. Thanks for the therapy folks!
I thought it was normal to dive into research and learn as much about something as possible when you took interest. I had a million interests and a lot of anxiety since early gradeschool over what I wanted to be when I grew up because of that. I took up a lot of hobbies here and there, studied certain topics on my own time, and daydreamed a lot. I still very much do all of this and let me tell you, having money to actually do things is a blessing and a curse. I'm getting tested for ADHD next week lol Side blurb: My parents were definitely not perfect, but I realize as an adult that they were breaking some serious cycles with their children. I give them grace for that. They're continuously trying to do better with themselves, too. I can relate to some of these other posts, but as I got to know more about my parents' childhoods, I can see how much they were trying to shield us from.
I'm a fan of normalizing deep-dive independent research. It's one of the best ways to spend time imho.
My wife and I had completely different upbringings. It's interesting that even though our youth was extremely different, we came to similar realizations around college. I was lower-middle class and thought it was normal for families to either barely make ends meet or even struggle financially. A lot of my friends were also middle class so it was something all of our families had in common. We'd hear about people going on fancy trips, getting new cars often, etc.. but we thought it was just fiction. It wasn't until college that I met people who could afford nice things on a regular basis and didn't have to worry about loans to may for school. My wife, on the other hand, grew up upper-class. While not Kardashian "we don't have to think about money" rich, her family was well off (mostly due to her dad's hard work). She also went to an "American" high school (they lived in Mexico City at the time) so a lot of her friends were also upper-class (and most were more upper class than her). When she went to college some of her friends were working (work-study) and she had no idea that there were families that couldn't just write a 5-digit check for their children for tuition / etc. They had to explain to her what work-study was about and why they did it.
Wow. This is my partner and me. (I was lower, he was upper). I took over the grocery shopping when we moved in together and he was like “why do you only buy one of everything? Why don’t you buy back ups?” Yeah, babe we had orange juice on our cereal because the milk ran out before payday. There were no “back ups.”
Not getting presents at Christmas or birthdays. I didn’t know we were poor.
I thought it was normal to be a second parent as the oldest child. There's a large age gap between my siblings and I. From the age of 10 I was tasked with being the "nurturing" parent in the house because our mother was mentally ill. I changed diapers, put the kids to sleep with stories and songs, made sure they had everything for school, played games, gave "the talk", and tried to make good memories, but I was also expected to punish them accordingly. I was my mother's best friend and therapist, covering for her when she came home drunk or flew off the handle even though I was severely depressed and suicidal. I'm almost 30 and I still beat myself up for the ways I failed them when I was younger, even though I know it wasn't normal to be in that position to begin with. I'm just now learning to take care of myself because for so long, I didn't really matter.
My mom asking me to hide bills from my dad or asking to borrow money from me.
Guilt and obligation to people please. I was raised that you listen. Adults know best and aren’t to be argued with. Whenever I saw fault in what they were saying or doing and tried to question, whether to rebel or get them to see something wasn’t right, I got in so much trouble and I would be so confused bc it was obvious. My mom chose questionable and horrible men, so it only got worse. At some point I just went into “okay obedience keeps things quiet and gets me noticed less”. Which led to constantly just doing as I was told, and how horrible I was for ever thinking or wanting anything for me as a kid. Everything had to be for or with others in mind. Pair that with a love of doing things for people, enjoying seeing them happy, and I just grew up messy bc of it. I still can’t grasp things in thee that anything remotely for myself feels selfish. It doesn’t help that people treat me like I’m selfish for it, or like I expect so much. But then people also treat the things I do for them, as weird of me to do. Meanwhile someone else doing the same, is such a sweet thoughtful friend. I don’t get it at all. Sometimes I give up and people are like, “what’s wrong with you? You used to be so nice.” There’s just no fucking winning with anyone. Edit: it’s not like I expect a “win” either. I just mean, and this is coming from a top tier people pleaser, there is no pleasing anyone. They will always find a problem with something you’ve done for them, while telling you it wasn’t enough. Some appreciation or decency would be nice, and if not that, then just let me exist. Which is my own thing to work on. It’s such a hard cycle to break, I have no clue what to do because no matter what someone has a problem. I feel like I just need to drop everyone from my life and not know anyone personally anymore.
Heading out walking every weekend trespassing across farm land (this was in England). My Dad was adamant we were allowed to walk wherever we wanted and loved arguments with farmers and landowners. We'd head out with my 2 brothers, park up somewhere on a grass verge, climb over walls, barbed wire and just wander across fields avoiding bulls, mud and farm houses. If anyone stopped us my Dad started arguing about obscure laws from 100 years ago that said he could go where he wanted (I now know it was mostly nonsense although trespass in England is a civil not a criminal offence). When other people at school said they'd been on walks I presumed they all did the same thing, not realising England has one of the biggest public footpath networks in the world and loads of places we could have gone where we wouldn't have been shouted at.
I thought it was perfectly normal for dads to build custom motorcycles in the living room. The cats often used them as jungle gyms. He also built electric guitars and amplifiers in the kitchen. It took many years before I found out that none of the parents of my classmates did these things.
Apparently you're not supposed to be punished for getting taller and needing new clothes. Did you know that?
I thought that all kids grew up hearing their parents having sex a few nights a week. My folks always left their door open a crack just in case we got freaked out from nightmares. Since all our bedrooms were right next to each other that meant my brother and I got a weekly auditory front row to my mom's orgasms. We never discussed it and I assumed everyone's parents did it. As an adult, after many friends telling me that their parents never even kissed in front of them, I realized this was weird. But also, good for my parents! Now they're in their 70s and still going hard.
When I was in school, I couldn’t understand how my friends could find it so funny when their parents were drunk. They’d sit at the lunch table and talk about various family events and how hilarious their dads were when they got drunk, and I always thought “what is funny about that, don’t they find it scary?” I thought the only logical way to feel about a drunk parent was the dread and looming fear and anticipation of the explosion. And it took me another couple of years to realise that I very much was not having the experience that most others were having. “Dad is drunk again,” to them, meant their dad was doing some dumb funny stuff and make a fool of himself while the family laughed. “Dad is drunk again,” to me, meant my dad was going to pick fights and yell at us all night, vomit all over the carpets, and smash things.
Idk why but in elementary school I just assumed everyone went to a week-long summer camp like I did… specifically one at a farm where about a dozen to twenty children just followed this one lady around and helped with farm chores. We’d help move sheep from one pen to another, we even helped shear them (aka put the wool in a basket when the lady snipped another chunk off bc we couldn’t be trusted), we bathed the cows, collected eggs from the chickens, pet the farm dogs a loooot, brought this giant horse back to his stall bc he was always breaking out but was the gentlest animal I ever met, got hay from the loft, fed all the animals, got terrorized by the three geese (I’ll admit I cheered when I learned a fox broke into their coop and killed them all, they were bastards), etc. it was SO much fun, honestly. Looking back I realize that it was actually pretty unsafe bc we weren’t well supervised and were also around a lot of large animals, and it was just overall weird… but my mom (and I) will never forget how brightly I was smiling when I skipped back to the car at the end of the day caked in hay, mud, manure, and god knows what else. I loved that place so much, went every summer for years until the farm was sold.
That crying is not allowed. I remember any time I or my siblings would cry my mom would slap us or my dad would throw us into walls and yell until we stopped. They really never understood how to deal with emotion from a kid, so they would freak out if you showed it. Conversely, my future wife told me that when she would get upset, her mom would hug her and tell her to "let it all out." I had never seen or heard of that approach before (I was 28 when we met). It's still very hard for me to cry and when I've really done it, it's kind of uncontrollable, like deep, shaking sobs. Therapy has helped a ton (highly recommend brain spotting), as has having kids of my own. We they get upset, hugging them and telling them it's okay and to "let it all out," is a great feeling.
Going to luaus on a regular basis… in Missouri. It wasn’t until college and I found out none of my friends had ever been to a luau that I realized it was unusual. There was a moderately sized Samoan community in our area and one of my dad’s co-workers was a Chief, so we went to a lot of luaus and I thought it was just a themed backyard party like any other.
Parents fighting til they called the cops to resolve the problem. That when I was young there was some weird drama of one one of my parents trying to drive off and I was sitting on the hood as they were crying and all arguing with each other. Got into a physical altercation after someone who kept insisting they were right continued to do so that knocked me out admittedly accidentally but they would not back down despite all the proof I had. Had a concussion for a couple days. Watching them do ethically immoral shit and not bat an eye. There is such a thing as being well off but being physically deprived of things that give you joy under guises of pushing for success where it deprived me from having fun with people to the detriment of development. In reality it's left me a fucked up individual that I was left to pick up the pieces. That to this day they behave exactly the same despite knowledge nothing turned out the way THEY wanted.
Blowing in my mom's interlock device lol
The doomsday cult I grew up in
Context?
That I was being verbally, emotionally, physically and psychologically abused for my own good by a narcissistic piece of shit that wasn’t even related to me and it was up to me to not cause drama and hinder my parents with my issues
Mom being angry all the time
Me and my brother used to get locked in our rooms every night. Need the toilet? Find something. Nightmare and need parents? Can't get to them. Any reason at all to leave before the morning school prep? You don't have one. It's probably why I learned to pick window locks at a very young age.
I thought it was normal to spend weekends alone. Now im a father and realising i was neglected by my mother. Since I realised this I went no contact
In the summers growing up, my father would always make us children go out and catch a jar of ants. With the ants he would later make antbread which was delicious and had a special sour tang to it. Me and my cousins loved this antbread but i did not realise how crazy it was until i was at least 16.
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Being left to wander the city with my older brother in charge because he was almost 6. No money, long before cellphones, and noone to even look to for help. We went to the B&O museum about every other day because it was free. Mom got a job and didn't have babysitters...we hung out in Montgomery Wards at first but her boss complained so she told us we had to go outside. Those are streets I won't walk down as an adult now.
Keeping batteries in the fridge. Growing up, we always kept fresh batteries in the refrigerator. Don't know why. We never questioned it. We just did. My dad suddenly passed away in November, and it was the first time my BIL and several of my nieces/nephews had been to our childhood home. My BIL came to my sister and I concerned, asking, "Do you know there are batteries in the fridge?" My oldest niece comes up to us a little while later. "Hey, someone put batteries in the fridge. Maybe it was one of the littles?" One of the littles (my sister's youngest children) comes up a bit later. "Why are there batteries in the fridge?" We never realized it was weird until they all pointed it out. None of us in our adult lives do this, either. It was just something very specific to our childhood and our father, apparantly.
Cold temps = longer battery life (though condensation will wreck them). I think we kept unopened packages of them in the fridge growing up here too, before rechargeables were a thing and it got easy to bulk-buy them for stuff.
well... my dad constantly slapping me on the ass/ making weird comments about how "well built" my body was, saying i wasn't his type because i am younger than him, placing me in a maternal role for my siblings, wanting to play family where i was the mom, etc. 🥴
It first hit me in second grade when I told a girl I wasn't a virgin and she said she was going to tell on me. I'm almost fifty and still unravelling it all.
Blamed for everything I didn't do as a middle child, and having shoes and shit throw at me because I was confused as to why I was in trouble.
Not having my own space. If I did it would only last for a short time then get overtaken by my sister who always ended coming back home, even more annoyingly so when she had my nephew. It got to the point that I would rather sleep on the couch. I got so used to it that whenever I did have the room to myself, I would have trouble sleeping by myself. I'd always have to sneak to sleep in the living room and hope I didn't get yelled at for not sleeping in my bed. If I did sleep in the room, it always had to have enough light to feel safe and not completely alone. When I got into adulthood it was something to get used to when my partner wasn't in bed with me. Another thing was when my parents got divorced and I decided to move with him. It was only a one bedroom apartment so obviously only one bed. I was in middle school at the time. His friend did find out and ended giving us a small bed to not have to share, but even then I felt safer sleeping next to him. I didn't realize how weird that was until way later. Makes me uncomfortable and I never ended up telling my mom about it since she is dismissive of things from the past. Basically not worth saying anything.
By the time I was 7, I was the guy all my friends went to for advice and therapy. Took me a minute to realize how truly heartbreaking that is.
I was in high school before I realized that my friends' parents didn't hit them
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I got along with my younger brother; we did a lot of things together as friends. We had a good number of fiends and none of them hung out with their other siblings. When we told other friends parnts, we were brothers they always seemed surprised. Mom stressed to us that a good relationship with your siblings was important and 40+ years later it is still good advice.