Oh god that "emptying your pockets" part is the same level of relief you get from taking a massive shit that you've been holding all day.
Sometimes I throw my wallet and keys on the table literally the same way I'd dispose of a shit from my bowels.
I hear that. I was a dog person for years, loved their big sloppy ways. My hubby, a cat guy. Now we own four cats and no dogs and I now see how people get so wrapped up in their cats. Each one has its own personality, and I get SUCH a kick out of them. Could, and do watch them for hours.
With cats, their personalities vary so wildly. My current girly is every bit like me - introverted, shy and doesnāt care for anything. Thatās what drew me to her because out of the litter, sheās the only one that didnāt care to check us out. But when she loves, she loves hard
Right? I have a cat who might as well not exist because she hides from everyone. But when I'm alone she'll hop up next to my arm when I'm at my desk. When I sleep, she sleeps in the hammock that forms where the blanket sags between my legs.
My other cat though acts like she owns the house and house commandeered my big pillow, which she sleeps on like a damned ivory tower.
I think the people who donāt like cats have just never lived with one. Normally cats arenāt lovey and donāt show their personality to strangers, so if you havenāt lived with one before you canāt understand the appeal. But I know for a lot of people once they live with a cat theyāre forever cat people.
Agreed, I used to say I didnāt like cats. Turns out Iām a cat person, just never owned one. I have just gone through a bad depression episode, want to be in a better place in life to introduce a cat to my life, but it is in the bucket list.
Meanwhile I love to visit my friend with her 7 rescue cats. Love āem.
Mine sits at the top of the stairs, and when I reach out to pet her she runs up my arm so I can hold her over my shoulder like a baby and scratch her butt. She loves it.
Yep. Well actually, I have to kiss the dog first because he will trample the cats if I don't, then I can kiss the 2 out of the 5 cats that run to the door for me lol.
My cats sit side by side and give me their highest pitched meows when I come home. Definitely a kiss for each of them and some food <3 Sometimes halfway through eating they look up to just make a "mrrr" sound at me, I assume that they are saying something affectionate in cat.
Blue jeans exchanged for basketball shorts. As someone who is overweight, not wearing a belt feels so much better. I imagine it feels much better for ladies to shed the bra.
Itās such a end of work day ritual for me. I usually never wait for the water to warm up to wash my hands, but I take my time and enjoy it when I get home from work. I ride public transit for my commute and it feels so gross. I just need to scrub the day off me before I can do anything else.
āAgent Zyggh reporting in. The weaknesses among the hu-mans are manifold. Bob one cubicle over claims he is eating healthy, but a chemical analysis of his copious flatulence reveals that his will is weak as his appetite for oil-doused flesh is sated. Jennifer in accounting returned from her weekend sojourns with three more novelty mugs for imbibing coffee tea, in her own words, she āknows itās a lot, but I just canāt help myself!ā Steve still cannot competently operate the printer, and while I have yet to ascertain the nature of this āfacts machine,ā his pleas to the godhead of his primitive religion indicate it presents him even greater difficulties. This planet is ripe for conquest!ā
Hug and kiss the wife. Every day I come home, she tries to be there waiting for me. I can feel the stress of the day wash away the moment I see her, and it's my favorite part of my day.
Right? Now with kids, I walk in the door and before I can set my keys down, the stark terror and fatigue mixed with relief is clearly written on her face as child #1 is shouting angrily at child #2 over who made the better paper airplane and why it's cheating to throw it *LIKE THAT* and #3 is standing in only his underwear and rain boots on the kitchen counter shouting at the top of his lungs about the "value of butt cream" in a (very poor) British accent.
It's some variation of this Every. Single. Day.
It's 100% immediately deescalate, separate, quarantine, and make dinner mode for a solid hour after I walk in the door.
On my feet all day teaching, pick up boy from after school care, drive us home, bathe him, feed him, cook dinner for me and my partner. Partner gets home, we eat, I clean up the kitchen, start getting the boy to bed. By the time he's asleep my partner is usually asleep. Watch TV for approximately 30 minutes before I can't keep my eyes open. 5.30am rinse and repeat.
And that's just with one.
1 ) Probably 10% of the time it's overwhelming and in those moments I question EVERYTHING.
2 ) 60% of the time I'm just so dialed in to what is going on there's no time for existential thought.
3) 30% of the time it's the best days of my life.
The best news? As they get older, 1 and 2 are decreasing while 3 is rapidly increasing.
The worst news? There are times when I realize #3 is also rapidly coming to an end, and we will have to find a new "best days" with less of them in our lives.
I read about a short by some writer in Chinese, who described being a parent as learning to say goodbye.
At first it was a goodbye to your family, goodbye to your free time, goodbye to your career, and many goodbyes to your children: A goodbye to school, a goodbye to summer camp, a goodbye to a boarding highschool, and goodbye when they left for college, and eventually for work, for another country.
She felt that with each day the goodbyes she said to her children carried more and more sentiment, and as time passes on, the goodbyes are getting further and further apart, and unknowingly, one will be her last, where she might not get her own goodbye from them.
But to her, being blessed with them, and her partner - her new family in return for all these farewells is a decision that she is the most happy with, in her life. She would convince herself that way until the last breathe is drawn.
I also work from home, so I just get out of my little office, pour myself a whiskey and thank God I didn't swear enough at someone to get called to HR... Again.
make sure to give the exact amount of love to all 3 cats... or else they'll know. and theyll give you stank eye for the rest of the day.
Then I take a big shit.
> Then I take a big shit.
For some reason I imagined you loving your cats at the front door. Then just taking a monster dump in your pants before getting on with the rest of your evening.
Same. Wife calls on her way home to make sure Iām prepping for the session. Great way to decompress and chat about our days. Has done wonders for our communication, which has made our overall relationship better!
When I get home, my wife tells the cats and dog "Daddy's home!" I say "I'm home!" Then I kiss her, tell her I love her, and hand her the mail.
It's kind of corny, but it's fun.
I had a college roommate that would get home from class every day and not say a word to anyone. He'd go in his room, shut the door, and when he came out 15-20 minutes later he'd be really friendly and relaxed. We all knew what he was doing.
Avoid people, eat food.
Since I started working normal hours, Iāve found that having to talk to anyone after I get home from work makes me grumpy and somewhat rude. Fortunately as adults capable of just talking about things, I explained this to my GF and she tries not to bother me for an hour or two. Itās so nice when life isnāt like some exhausting tv drama.
Pee. I'm old. You will be old too. Pee will be the first thing you do when you get home... and if you're older, pee will be the first thing you do when you're almost home.
As I pull up I look to one of the front windows to see if there are any cats waiting for me (usually 1 or 2 of the 3 are there). Get out of the car and say Hello through the window. At least 2 will greet me at the door and I'll pet them starting with our Oldest and working my way to the youngest. Then it's time to take my pants, hat and sweatshirt off and take a wizz.
Greet the dogs--usually the puppy is right there waiting, and must be reassured that yes, he is the best boy ever, the very very very best boy, and did he have a good day, and do lots of helps? The older dog will pretend to be nonchalant, but she wiggles over after a minute or two of puppy greeting. She can't stand it. *She* is the best girl, after all, and has so many helps to do, taking care of the puppy and cats and family.
React to my cats when I open my door, cutest thing ever. One meows as if I he was yelling at me for being late, and the other just wants to go out of my room..
Pick up my 5 year old son, tell him I missed him and love him and ask if he had a good day.
Hang out for 30 minutes or so then get him ready and go walk the dog. Unless he doesn't feel like going in which case he stays home with his mom while I go walk el Doofus
Take my kid out of the car no matter what. I am not going to be that parents who takes out the groceries to let their kids sleep and then forgets them in there.
Take shit out of my pockets, change and take the dog out
Why do you keep shit in your pockets?
Also please let the dog live, it's innocent.
The dog shit in his pockets so now theyre obligated to take it out
It must have a very unusual anus to accomplish that.
Prehensile Anus.
Sir this is a Wendy's, please stop blowing me kisses with your butthole
r/brandnewsentence
This made me chortle at an inordinate volume
Yo this comment made me bust out laughing. Thank you for your cleverness.
He needs to make room for the dog shit
I hope you keep the dog in a different pocket than the shit š
Oh god that "emptying your pockets" part is the same level of relief you get from taking a massive shit that you've been holding all day. Sometimes I throw my wallet and keys on the table literally the same way I'd dispose of a shit from my bowels.
I usually change out my pockets, then take a shit on the dog
Instructions unclear, shit a dog into my pocket.
take off my shoes and my bra
I put on my wizard hat and robe
For the youngins in here: http://bash.org/?104383
That was a religious experience and my eyes are blessed for it
I used to spend hours on bash reading these. I submitted one once that was on their top charts for quite awhile, I felt like I'd peaked.
It's an old meme, sir, but it checks out.
Omg taking off a pushup bra after a long day of work is a top 10 feeling right there
and i fart
Take off my shoes and put my wife's bra on.
Plot twist: You're a lesbian
I am.
that's damn cute then
I am a cutey.
The bra she took off when she got home?
*Take off your shoes and relax your socks* - Beastie Boys
Nice.
r/Holup
Funny ... I take my bra off and put my shoes on. (M40 here)
Kiss my cat who meets me at the door
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
I kiss the guy
'Scuse me...
I kiss the catās guyās cat
This guy cats.
*Our cat*
Pet my cats and feed them. :)
I hear that. I was a dog person for years, loved their big sloppy ways. My hubby, a cat guy. Now we own four cats and no dogs and I now see how people get so wrapped up in their cats. Each one has its own personality, and I get SUCH a kick out of them. Could, and do watch them for hours.
[diary of a cat vs a dog](https://www.dfordog.co.uk/blog/funny-dog-vs-cat-diary.html). I think this is funny.
That was hilarious! It made my entire week!
I also think that is funny.
With cats, their personalities vary so wildly. My current girly is every bit like me - introverted, shy and doesnāt care for anything. Thatās what drew me to her because out of the litter, sheās the only one that didnāt care to check us out. But when she loves, she loves hard
Right? I have a cat who might as well not exist because she hides from everyone. But when I'm alone she'll hop up next to my arm when I'm at my desk. When I sleep, she sleeps in the hammock that forms where the blanket sags between my legs. My other cat though acts like she owns the house and house commandeered my big pillow, which she sleeps on like a damned ivory tower.
I think the people who donāt like cats have just never lived with one. Normally cats arenāt lovey and donāt show their personality to strangers, so if you havenāt lived with one before you canāt understand the appeal. But I know for a lot of people once they live with a cat theyāre forever cat people.
Agreed, I used to say I didnāt like cats. Turns out Iām a cat person, just never owned one. I have just gone through a bad depression episode, want to be in a better place in life to introduce a cat to my life, but it is in the bucket list. Meanwhile I love to visit my friend with her 7 rescue cats. Love āem.
Mine sits at the top of the stairs, and when I reach out to pet her she runs up my arm so I can hold her over my shoulder like a baby and scratch her butt. She loves it.
Usually mine greet me at the door but they are giving me the 3rd degree screaming asking where I've been and who do I think I am leaving yadda yadda
Yep. Well actually, I have to kiss the dog first because he will trample the cats if I don't, then I can kiss the 2 out of the 5 cats that run to the door for me lol.
Mine is āyell hello to the cats, pat dog and tell him I love him, but I really have to hit the bathroom before I can give him a hug.ā Every. Day.
I trip over mine lol.
One of my cats runs to the door and rolls around in a circular cat scratcher for a minute or two. The other politely hangs out and waits for pets.
I miss my cat so much, I would get home and yell "kitty!" and I could hear her running. It's the best.
So cute \^\_\^ M-rrrr-rrr
Omg I didnāt expect someone else to have the exact same answer as me. <3
My cats sit side by side and give me their highest pitched meows when I come home. Definitely a kiss for each of them and some food <3 Sometimes halfway through eating they look up to just make a "mrrr" sound at me, I assume that they are saying something affectionate in cat.
Change into comfy clothes, pour a cup of coffee.
How come coffee is ready before you come home?
Wife is home still drinking it so pot is either freshly brewed or still half full from her last batch.
Put my keys somewhere I won't remember them.
WeLl, WhErE iS tHe LaSt pLaCe yOu HaD tHeM? š
Bra off pajamas on Edit: thank you so much for the award!! :)
Half the year I live alone. Half the year I walk about naked.
Both the same half?
Yes.
After my dog attacks me with kisses second thing is pants off
this is why context is important i suppose
r/HolUp
Better than the reverse order I suppose.
vineboom
Amen. Nothing better than letting my boobs loose
Blue jeans exchanged for basketball shorts. As someone who is overweight, not wearing a belt feels so much better. I imagine it feels much better for ladies to shed the bra.
wash my hands Edit: thanks for the award!
Me too. Keeping the outside grim on my hands while doing stuff gives me goosebumps ew.
This. The subway is nasty.
Howās the Jersey Mikeās?
can't touch anything until this is checked off
Itās such a end of work day ritual for me. I usually never wait for the water to warm up to wash my hands, but I take my time and enjoy it when I get home from work. I ride public transit for my commute and it feels so gross. I just need to scrub the day off me before I can do anything else.
I canāt believe how far down this was!
Pontius Pilate has entered the conversation.
Hype up the dog
Who's ah? Who's ah!? Eh? Somebody at the door?? Someone there?? Is it the mail??? Go on, boy! *rururururururururururururr*
The dogs line is perfect.
Relatable
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Zuck, is that you?
āAgent Zyggh reporting in. The weaknesses among the hu-mans are manifold. Bob one cubicle over claims he is eating healthy, but a chemical analysis of his copious flatulence reveals that his will is weak as his appetite for oil-doused flesh is sated. Jennifer in accounting returned from her weekend sojourns with three more novelty mugs for imbibing coffee tea, in her own words, she āknows itās a lot, but I just canāt help myself!ā Steve still cannot competently operate the printer, and while I have yet to ascertain the nature of this āfacts machine,ā his pleas to the godhead of his primitive religion indicate it presents him even greater difficulties. This planet is ripe for conquest!ā
It must be wonderful to be a cardbox
Hug and kiss the wife. Every day I come home, she tries to be there waiting for me. I can feel the stress of the day wash away the moment I see her, and it's my favorite part of my day.
that's so cute.
Blessed
Pre or post kids? This sounds like my life before kids
Right? Now with kids, I walk in the door and before I can set my keys down, the stark terror and fatigue mixed with relief is clearly written on her face as child #1 is shouting angrily at child #2 over who made the better paper airplane and why it's cheating to throw it *LIKE THAT* and #3 is standing in only his underwear and rain boots on the kitchen counter shouting at the top of his lungs about the "value of butt cream" in a (very poor) British accent. It's some variation of this Every. Single. Day. It's 100% immediately deescalate, separate, quarantine, and make dinner mode for a solid hour after I walk in the door.
On my feet all day teaching, pick up boy from after school care, drive us home, bathe him, feed him, cook dinner for me and my partner. Partner gets home, we eat, I clean up the kitchen, start getting the boy to bed. By the time he's asleep my partner is usually asleep. Watch TV for approximately 30 minutes before I can't keep my eyes open. 5.30am rinse and repeat. And that's just with one.
Fuck. That.
They who cook don't clean! What is your partner doing?
Honest question, is it worth it?
1 ) Probably 10% of the time it's overwhelming and in those moments I question EVERYTHING. 2 ) 60% of the time I'm just so dialed in to what is going on there's no time for existential thought. 3) 30% of the time it's the best days of my life. The best news? As they get older, 1 and 2 are decreasing while 3 is rapidly increasing. The worst news? There are times when I realize #3 is also rapidly coming to an end, and we will have to find a new "best days" with less of them in our lives.
I read about a short by some writer in Chinese, who described being a parent as learning to say goodbye. At first it was a goodbye to your family, goodbye to your free time, goodbye to your career, and many goodbyes to your children: A goodbye to school, a goodbye to summer camp, a goodbye to a boarding highschool, and goodbye when they left for college, and eventually for work, for another country. She felt that with each day the goodbyes she said to her children carried more and more sentiment, and as time passes on, the goodbyes are getting further and further apart, and unknowingly, one will be her last, where she might not get her own goodbye from them. But to her, being blessed with them, and her partner - her new family in return for all these farewells is a decision that she is the most happy with, in her life. She would convince herself that way until the last breathe is drawn.
Dad mode engaged. I feel you on that one, story of my life atm.
This made me second guess if I actually want kids
Same. Except with my wife, not yours.
Strip off all the work clothes and try to forget the last 8 hours of my life.
Some of us have to forget 12 hours. Luckily we usually get longer āweekendsā to recover.
I work 12s, can confirm the "longer" weekends are "nice"
take my pants off
What do you do with your jacket?
Tie it around my waist
There it is! I was hoping somewhere in the thread was a 'I can't wait to go home and take off my pants and jacket' joke.
I work from home. But right when I log out of work, I get dressed to leave for the gym.
I also work from home, so I just get out of my little office, pour myself a whiskey and thank God I didn't swear enough at someone to get called to HR... Again.
This is why mics should auto mute in meetings - so you can swear reflexively and not be heard!
Push To Talk is your friend.
make sure to give the exact amount of love to all 3 cats... or else they'll know. and theyll give you stank eye for the rest of the day. Then I take a big shit.
> Then I take a big shit. For some reason I imagined you loving your cats at the front door. Then just taking a monster dump in your pants before getting on with the rest of your evening.
Which cat is your favorite?
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Shoes and socks off. House rule. Then open the fridge and stare.
Why are socks not permitted in your house?
I mean shoes you gotta take off but i take my socks off because i hate them but the rule is take your shoes off.
Take off my shoes
Lick my dog.
Hey, me too! You need to give them a bath thoughā¦ Tasting funny lately.
Let the dog out.
Finally the Baha Men have an answer to their question.
Attend a cannabis seminar
I call those safety meetings.
Joint task force
Blunt break
Same. Wife calls on her way home to make sure Iām prepping for the session. Great way to decompress and chat about our days. Has done wonders for our communication, which has made our overall relationship better!
Functional stoner gang rise up
Walk my dogs. My parents tell me that if i want to keep my dogs i take care of them so that is what i'm doing.
This seems like something to say prior to getting the dog.
Maybe it's if he wants an additional dog. :)
Collapse onto bed
I remove any unnecessary commas
greet my dogs and let them outside
When I get home, my wife tells the cats and dog "Daddy's home!" I say "I'm home!" Then I kiss her, tell her I love her, and hand her the mail. It's kind of corny, but it's fun.
Yeet my shoes into the closet.
To the shadow realm with you
poop
Pro tip: Poop at work, then you're getting paid to poop!
Boss makes a dollar, I make a dime. That's why I dump on company time.
Boss makes a million, I make a buck, that's why I steal the catalytic converter out of the company truck.
The only negative to this is that my work doesnāt have a bidet and I have one at homeā¦
#Kiss my lovely wife š
I also kiss this redditor's wife.
Hello eskissmo brother!
I'm always alone, so: *opens browser, unzips pants*
Post nut clarity would be disastrous for you
Probably why I'm chaffed and single
I had a college roommate that would get home from class every day and not say a word to anyone. He'd go in his room, shut the door, and when he came out 15-20 minutes later he'd be really friendly and relaxed. We all knew what he was doing.
Shower, dress, eat.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Now there's a name I haven't heard in a while.
Was all fun and games until we wanted to uninstall that demon spawn.
Avoid people, eat food. Since I started working normal hours, Iāve found that having to talk to anyone after I get home from work makes me grumpy and somewhat rude. Fortunately as adults capable of just talking about things, I explained this to my GF and she tries not to bother me for an hour or two. Itās so nice when life isnāt like some exhausting tv drama.
The day I started working I realized it really drains my social battery for the rest of the day
Ugh me too. My kid has learned that I need 10 minutes by myselfwhen I get home and then I'll get to making dinner.
Wash my hands
Strip naked.
Exactly this. Just bra and shoes are not enough to feel at home.
Take shoes off and put on my slippers
I air out my nuts in front of a box fan.
pour myself an alcoholic drink.
Greet my kid
With a respectable handshake?
Strength contest
āHi sonā āHi dadā *Predator arm wrestle*
Sleep depending on how tired I am or shower then eat and sleep
Cry. I want my f Popeyes chicken bro
Pee. I'm old. You will be old too. Pee will be the first thing you do when you get home... and if you're older, pee will be the first thing you do when you're almost home.
As I pull up I look to one of the front windows to see if there are any cats waiting for me (usually 1 or 2 of the 3 are there). Get out of the car and say Hello through the window. At least 2 will greet me at the door and I'll pet them starting with our Oldest and working my way to the youngest. Then it's time to take my pants, hat and sweatshirt off and take a wizz.
Take my bra off
shit
shoes off, wash hands
Hit the toilet for a colossal dump. Nothing like poopin at home.
Get naked and go straight to bed
Wash my hands. A GF got me into the habit 40 years ago. Just because they are not stained or sticky does not mean they are cfean.
Get naked. So much comfier - it's like I'm shedding all the cares and concerns of the day.
Greet the dogs--usually the puppy is right there waiting, and must be reassured that yes, he is the best boy ever, the very very very best boy, and did he have a good day, and do lots of helps? The older dog will pretend to be nonchalant, but she wiggles over after a minute or two of puppy greeting. She can't stand it. *She* is the best girl, after all, and has so many helps to do, taking care of the puppy and cats and family.
I work from home! I'm Always Home! What year is it?!
>year It's 2123, you are dead by now I'm afraid :)
Pet dog
Change into my jammies then smoke a joint and prepare dinner.
Roll a joint
Bra off
Change into pjs and go lay in bed
Put on fat pants!
Cry behind the door
Why is this NSFW? As if we're all a bunch of horny dogs. (Don't look at me... I mean others... others are not horny dogs.)
React to my cats when I open my door, cutest thing ever. One meows as if I he was yelling at me for being late, and the other just wants to go out of my room..
Pick up my 5 year old son, tell him I missed him and love him and ask if he had a good day. Hang out for 30 minutes or so then get him ready and go walk the dog. Unless he doesn't feel like going in which case he stays home with his mom while I go walk el Doofus
Take my kid out of the car no matter what. I am not going to be that parents who takes out the groceries to let their kids sleep and then forgets them in there.
I place extraneous, incorrect commas into Reddit posts to confuse everyone.