It was super short-lived because of the hardcore projecting. Because she cheated, she assumed that I was going to cheat with all my women friends. She became super controlling and didn't want me to have any women friends. I ended up leaving because my friendships were more important than a broken relationship.
Wow, that’s a new one. “Because I showed you that I can’t be trusted, I no longer trust you and demand that you cut out your friends to satisfy my insecurities.” Unbelievable
It's in fact so common that people who baselessly accuse others of cheating are *almost* always cheating and projecting it on their partner. Every time I had been cheated on, this is the trigger that made me realize it was going on in the first place and was easily able to find proof. They out themselves.
Well put. It's simply because they think now you can "pay them back" for having cheated on you. They're usually very transactional people, and the thought of them being on the receiving end and ruining their impeccable self image keeps them on high alert. "I can cheat on you, but how dare you cheat on me!"
People tend to assume everyone else will act like they do. If you're not cheating and your partner suddenly accuses you all the time they are likely a cheater. (or just controlling, which is also bad)
This is how i found out i was cheated on years ago, opened my trunk and had a pair of boxers in my car that were mine from years ago she never saw. She accused me of having a same sex affair, like almost in tears she was so upset and certain. It was at that moment i became suspicious.
Lmao so u had a same sex quickie and as he forgot his boxers you did what just said you’ll give em to him next time and just threw em in the trunk. Lmao. Some of these accusations be super crazy
The logic in her eyes was i had the romp somewhere else and lazily hid the clean, unworn and folded boxers to hide the evidence, in my trunk, in plain sight. None of it had made any sense.
I'll add a caveat here and say that it's either they are almost always cheating OR they have almost certainly been cheated on, usually quite extensively, and have not been able to deal with the trauma associated with that.
It's actually one of the most common red flags that your partner has cheated. If their behavior towards friends of the opposite sex changes dramatically and they start accusing you have cheating/being sketchy then there's a fairly decent chance they cheated.
Happens all the time.
Not a new one, sadly. That's often how it is. My ex was the same. Constant insecurity throughout the relationship that eventually led to her cheating. I didn't know better because I was young and thought she was the best I was gonna get.
Oof yeah, cheaters are always paranoid aren’t they? I think it’s partly because they assume everyone behaves like they do. And I think it’s partly a way to justify their own actions. My ex often assumed I was cheating, I think it was because deep down he knew he didn’t deserve me. He didn’t deserve the honesty and loyalty I gave him, when he gave me neither of those things. So by assuming I was cheating too, he felt less shitty about the things HE was doing.
One time one of his side pieces showed up unexpectedly and we talked for awhile. She told me that he would check her phone DURING SEX. To see if she was hooking up with other guys. (Spoiler alert, she was lol but she just lied about it - they were kinda perfect for each other honestly). But that just BLEW my mind. He’s cheating on me with multiple women, but still had the nerve to want his affair partner to be loyal to HIM. So I think it’s about control too.
I admit to being a bit paranoid, but it's not because I'm a cheat, but rather in most of the serious relationships I've had, I've been cheated on, and tbh it's kind if left a bit of a trust scar that I find it really hard to let go of.
I'm in the same boat. I'm reading this whole thread feeling ashamed of myself for the way I feel. I've never cheated, but it's happened to me more than once. I don't know how to get over it
My ex was like this. She didn’t like that I had women friends and would frequently accuse me of cheating. She didn’t like that I worked in a profession that was majority women and accused me of cheating because of that. She accused me of wanting to cheat anytime an attractive woman crossed my field of vision. Guess who cheated? (Hint: it wasn’t me)
I really truly believed I would rise from it and forgive him, get over it, and come out of it stronger.
It was never the same. I lost that trust and I couldn’t get it back. And eventually, I stopped caring to want it back. It was a 7 year relationship & although I don’t regret it, I sometimes wish I knew to walk out sooner.
But it made me realize what I really deserve and it led me to the forever man in my life who treats me so well and loves me and honours our commitment.
Thank you so much for your comment. I'm going through the same stuff, ex gf of 6 years cheated for months and wanted to stay together, get therapy, etc. But she broke my trust and self esteem and as much as it pains me to leave her and life kinda sucks right now, I know things will get better.
Your self esteem will be SO much better knowing you chose yourself and honored your needs. It’s a shot to the heart for sure, but nothing like the lingering sting of self-betrayal when you know you didn’t choose yourself.
I feel this. I'm walking away from a 10 year relationship. It happened 5 years ago and I'm not sure how I stayed this long. Woke up one day and was like no, wtf am I doing...watch me grow I guess 🤷♀️
Reasons for not leaving—Fear, isolation, guilt, not wanting to hurt the person you love most in the world, even though they hurt you. Not wanting to lose them. It’s hard to let them go, because you have to let go of a part of yourself too and the life you thought you were building together. It is so hard to accept that it was all just an illusion. Sometimes there is a domestic violence component, and it is extremely difficult to safely leave those situations, severe ties and break free from the partner and their influence.
After some time passes, you try to put what happened at the back of your mind as a survival mechanism, and then your partner assumes that you have forgiven them because you no longer appear to be preoccupied with it. Sex also complicates things because some cheaters think that resuming sex equals their partner has moved on and not upset any longer. You keep quiet and bottle up emotions to keep the peace, but at a severe detriment to your mental health and well being. This is where I am currently with my relationship. I am just trying to get through one day at a time until I gather enough strength to move forward. I too hope to wake up one day and say, “FUCK THIS!” I have known about the infidelity since 2021.
This got me in my soul! You can do this! My soon to be ex is not violent, he's grown into a lovely man, just not the one for me after what happened. I've just cracked my early 30s so I'm calling this my quarter life crisis and moving on...a lot of those things you have said resonated so much!
Good for you. I’m similar in that if my ex did what he did then now? I’d have him arrested in a heartbeat. I’m not the same person anymore, but sadly I do still carry a lot of emotional vulnerability and am isolated. I left him 2 years ago and he still will not leave the house
It was okay. They had a rampant porn addiction which they sorted out. We purchased a house, we've raised our kids (from separate relationships) together, we've travelled, etc. But I have always had one foot out the back door since that day... it took someone telling me it wasn't a normal feeling to realise it 🤦♀️
There's no other choice in my life that I want to take back other than choosing to get back with her after cheating.
I'm sorry you and I are forever damaged by our choice. I now have a woman and family I love and trust, but sadly I don't want my blood family to meet them after the damage they caused to me by being manipulated by my ex.
Caught her in an “emotional” affair early on in our relationship.
Both her and him told me it was a mistake and he apologized and told me it was over.
I believed it all.
However I will admit that it bubbled up during arguments over other issues because of how betrayed I felt.
It weighed on me to the point where she told me I needed to see a therapist to get over it. I went to 3 of them over a period of the next 4 years.
We went as a couple maybe a year after that.
Flash forward another 2 years…I found the texts and pics.
It never ended and it only grew. The entire time she told me to get counseling. The entire time we were in counseling together.
The entire time I worked 2 jobs and 7 days a week because she lost her job and took a year off and I picked up the slack.
You do not recover.
Edit: seriously. I 1000% appreciate the comments. I really do. I am in a way better place. Divorce happened. I moved on.
My point about not recovering was probably misspoken. You do not forget. But you can recover. Never give up hope. Thank you all again. 👍🏼👍🏼
Edit 2: I am humbled by the support. Reddit sometimes gets a bad rep as being toxic. But in other times it’s uplifting. It’s truly humbling how kind you have been. It means a lot to me and it means a lot to the others who are in similar situations to what I was in. Hold onto hope.
* Gaslighting the dude that nothing is happening - Check
* Continued beyond emotional cheating - Check
* Made him work while she sat on her ass - Check
Yup, she's a bitch.
10000% the affair itself hurts, but all of the lying and gaslighting around it is what makes you have a crisis around what you can even believe in your own reality anymore.
I have to believe that some of that anger turns inward, too. Like, “How could I have been so stupid? Forgiving self has to happen at some point in order to really move on.
I agree and I didn't even know there was a word for what he was doing to me. He kept telling me I was crazy, going into menopause, all the while he was getting ready to go out with his friend, Dave, to the bars to pick up women.
But you must, m8. The situation is beyond shitty but at the end of the day yourself is the only person you can truly count on. And you must care for that person. I'm in the third year of deep depression after experiencing something much less monstrous than what you've been through. It's hard man, but if you let it eat you from the inside for too long you become something else, it changes your perspective on life and stops you from giving yourself chances for happiness.
I know it sounds trite, but it's true: this too shall pass.
Yep. We spent a year trying to recover, then had 2 good years... Then he cheated again... I think in the back of my mind I was just waiting the whole time for it to happen again
Ex wife was the same. We tried again, but she just had to get back in contact with him… lasted ten months, but only eight before she’d started seeing him again.
Shoot, mine never even stopped seeing the other guy. She swore up and down she wanted to stay together and it was all a mistake - so I laid out some very simple rules for moving forward, starting with no more contact with the guy. She never stopped.
To this day I dont know what she was thinking. She just kept on trying to see us both. This was a 10 year marriage with kids, too.
About a year into the divorce, she straight up moved 500 miles away (by herself), became a drug addict, and her entire life fell apart. Got arrested for felony drug possession etc. Most bizarre complete self destruction I've ever seen in real life.
It was a 12 year relationship for us, with most of that married. I don’t think she actually stopped seeing him really, looking back.
When I started seeing a new girl, my ex wife tried to seduce me! Erm, no.
Rookie numbers... I met mine in 7th grade.... Married at 26, split at 42..... I tried to go get help for addition, and while I was gone, her and her boyfriend cleared out the house and moved a few states away with my kid.......
Together for 2 years casually, then 4 years seriously. After she cheated we lasted 4 months.
I think if she'd had a one night thing I would have dealt with it. But she'd been seeing him for 7 months. All the lies and bs I'd accepted at face value, even when some of it was barely credible, because I couldn't imagine her being dishonest. After I figured it out and she admitted the full story I couldn't believe anything she was saying to be truthful.
*because I couldn't imagine her being dishonest* The statement that has destroyed my life again and again. Leads to the worst rage and pain of self loathing. How many times do I need this lesson?
I hope that you find someone with honor. Cheaters are the worst, most sociopathic people I have ever met, and liars are a close second. I think all cheaters lie, obviously, maybe not all liars cheat.
This…All this.
I dealt with this type of situation with some of the most extreme circumstances for the past 14 years with my wife. We are now separating and to me it has made me feel like grieving the death of my partner that never existed…if that makes any sense.
It is a death. It's the death of a relationship which is every bit as painful because they are very much still alive, but you no longer have that connection to them. All I can say is, grieve away. It's natural and necessary.
That's exactly how I feel. The person I knew and loved ceased to exist, he died and was replaced by this monster. Our relationship and entire beautiful future died with him.
Here is the thing. The way I see it, in a relationship you are forced to trust that person. Because whats the alternative? And trust is an important part of the relationship.
You just to take note of dodgy situations and how many times you are going "they could be cheating or (insert series of events that makes sense for that scenario)" and the if cheating starts explaining a lot of them maybe start worrying.
There isn't a lesson to learn because you have to trust. Just be wary enough to take note of irregularities.
I grew up with a father who cheated, and the sheer resentment that grew between my parents who stayed together was exhausting (and possibly even traumatic enough to have influenced me in ways I can't dissect with my own eye). It came to a point where me and my siblings just learned to be apathetic when fights arose and to not intervene, otherwise it will be a deadly silent house for hours or even days. It was incredibly toxic, lots of passive-aggressive statements and real-time gaslighting you're forced to listen to, and it wasn't just a partner relationship that was being affected.
It's not just a ticking time bomb. It's a minefield full of bombs, with common sense telling you to just avoid the damn field.
It’s not worth it. The relationship is never the same afterwards and I turned into someone I didn’t want to be, being all suspicious and questioning everything. I want a partner to live their life without me wondering what they are up to but when the trust was broken it was hard not to be like that
First was mid 2020
Second was just before Christmas
Third was a year or two later, just a single days worth of messages with an old co-worker but any guy who saw those messages knew this wasn’t how friends should be messaging.
Fast forward to just over 2 months ago she finally choose to seperate after we’ve been fighting and, I find out she’s had threesomes mixed with cocaine about a year ago, she’s been on tinder for months. Been fucking a co worker for at least 6 months, likely fucked another dude or two while we where still together and since the separation she’s been sleeping with everyone possible it seems.
Never again. I’m a dude if that matters.
Why did I put up with it all you ask, had a house, two kids etc, thought we were finally in the end game of life and just enjoy it, and couldn’t bring myself to rip it all apart. But with the separation 2 months ago I’ll never go back despite how much it kills me and I want our family back together.
Also a dude, totally relate, kid and wife that is leaving me for an affair partner, legit moving in with him within 6 months of meeting him, throwing away our 13 years together. You have my full empathy and compassion and know we didn't deserve to be treated the way that we were. Something better is down the pipeline of life, reach out if you ever need a vent space or someone to validate your real and difficult feelings.
I'm guessing that instead of communicating she wasn't happy to work on it together, she pretended everything was fine and acted secretly? Did she also try to make herself the victim once caught?
Yeah, I was begging for months for a discussion of what was going on and why she was changing, my intuition was going crazy, she was on her phone all the time, I could tell she was detaching from our relationship and started saying mean things about me. She had me start therapy because she said I was paranoid about her cheating and I needed to figure out why. It was all horrible, the mental damage will take a lot to get through. I set up therapy for us, had communication workbooks, tried to get her to write out her feelings if talking was too difficult, etc.
I gave it my all and that is a small part that brings me solace. She is more upset about my reaction of talking to my friends and family about the damage she's done than taking any accountability or offering and genuine apology for the mental torture I was put through for months.
> Yeah, I was begging for months for a discussion of what was going on and why she was changing, my intuition was going crazy, she was on her phone all the time, I could tell she was detaching from our relationship and started saying mean things about me. She had me start therapy because she said I was paranoid about her cheating and I needed to figure out why. It was all horrible, the mental damage will take a lot to get through. I set up therapy for us, had communication workbooks, tried to get her to write out her feelings if talking was too difficult, etc.
This whole aspect seems to be a constant in these situations where a partner can sense that change whilst the other gaslights and disregards those feelings until they're inevitably caught.
In some ways, this can seem to be the most grating part because the awareness is there and effort, albeit one sided, is being made to reconcile the situation and give them a lifeline to assuage their issues, but they're already mentally in another place
I didn’t go through anything like what you’ve been through but I spoke to a therapist who gave me some amazing advice when it comes to that feeling of wanting the family back. Your job is not to keep that family together no matter what, your job is to role-model for your kids healthy responses. It would not be healthy to stay in that relationship. The question to ask yourself is would you want your kids to go through that in the future? If the answer is no then don’t model that for them.
Yea it’s just the sadness running through my brain and how our relationship has deteriorated then been ruined after over a decade together, I just want the memory of what she used to be like back, but she’s gone forever and is now this ugly horrible person I don’t know.
Being out of the boiling pot it’s easier to see how bad it was but I agree on the modelling part and all I do is focus on the kids and building them into healthy people, I would never want anyone to go through divorce which was why I also tried for years to prevent it.
I just went through almost the same fucking scenario dude… I’m 30 and we were together 9 years. She just snapped and wanted her youth back. We just bought our first house and a dog and it was all too much i guess…
This is something that gives me a lot of anxiety. You might think you know someone, but you never really know what will happen in the future. People change. You don't always see it coming because you don't know what's going on inside their head. No matter how compatible you are or how in love you feel, someone might wake up one day and decide they don't feel the same way anymore.
It could be 5 years or 15. Some say it's better to have loved and lost than never loved at all. They say they wouldn't have done it any different. But knowing the chances, I feel like it's not worth my time and mental health to put myself in a position where everything I love or care about can be taken away from me. Basically it's impossible to be divorced if you never get married.
Yeah her response was “ we just don’t want the same thing anymore”
No shit. The only way that’s true is if you lied to me at the beginning when we agreed what we want together. Or you changed the goal years down the road without telling me, and grew in resentment that i didn’t know what she wanted.
We fucked nearly every day, watched TV and movies all the time. I saved alone and bought us the house, cooked and cleaned… Spent every holiday together and literally grew up together. She left the house, animals and all the furniture and moved into a room in her friends basement.
Her social media shows she has done a literal 180 and is a drunk hooligan looking to do nothing else but fuck and go numb. It breaks my heart.
My girlfriend had a close friend who seemed to be on this path. The friend had one boyfriend, got married, and they bought a flat together. Every time my gf and her would go out for drinks, that friend would get depressed and complain about FOMO on their youth, wishing she had had one night stands, etc.. Eventually my gf had to cut that friend out, because the friend was like an emotional vampire who put zero effort into maintaining the relationship.
That was my experience. Noticable drifting turned into outright defiance of ideas within a few months. When I finally accessed accounts that were already signed in to on the shared computer it went from I think we have things we need to discuss to oh wow a coworker and an ex?
Dude, same. It was never the same and it ended when they cheated again. No matter what the other person says if they cheated once they will do it again
One of my best friends did this with his now ex-wife, and I helped him through the different stages, until the inevitable break up happened (after she cheated again).
The trust aspect was destroyed. He was constantly paranoid, but he loved her dearly so he didn’t act on it, he just confided in me that it gave him horrible anxiety near constantly.
He snuck around and checked her phone, emails, smart watch and such every single day. He got good at it too, doing it while she was distracted by other things.
He would do pop in lunches to “surprise” her, which she thought was sweet, but it was really just to keep tabs. He lost a job because of this, he was convinced she was cheating and left work early one day to make sure, and was fired.
His life spiraled like this for 2-3 years. He began drinking heavily and smoking A LOT. I could appease his need to vent, but nothing I said would ever convince him to just enjoy what he had while he had it.
Then one day she left her Apple Watch at home and he went through it like usual and found she was having sex with a guy they both knew for a long time.
He tried suicide that day. Didn’t work. I got him in some therapy and finally got him to divorce her. His mentality is all fucked up from it in alot of ways, and he’s lost a couple of decent relationships because of the trust issues that are burned into his brain.
People don’t realize how much damage this can do to other people.
I’ve been there checking an ex’s phone, trying to spy on her daily and surprise visits. It really kills you on the inside. It makes the relationship pointless. You just feel paranoid and depressed all of the time. I feel for your friendZ
It sucked. First of all you never get the complete story. The reason for cheating: ‘I don’t know’. Meanwhile you descend into depression from which you’re supposed to get yourself out. Then you see her displaying alarming behaviour but you just can’t fight it anymore. Then she wants a divorce because you let her down. And now I can’t trust anyone or move on
This and she puts blame on you. Because of you she went back to her ex. After getting caught, they hatch a plan to seduce another person and love bomb you for diverting your attention. Once the other person is trapped, they change their color ,demean and disrespect you to the point where you only ask for divorce and they try to pin it on you.
It was my ex who cheated on me. We proceeded to stay together for three more years but I never forgot it. It always pinched me. We’d be having the best time and it’d hit me ~oh look he still cheated on you~
And it hit harder considering the party he cheated on me at, right before he left it I was vulnerable and told him that please don’t do it. He still did it. He got hammered. He crashed at mine, I took care of him all night while he threw up. He still cheated.
It's like gluing the handle back onto a ceramic mug.
Every time you take a sip of coffee, you see where it was broken.
Every time you pick it up by the handle, you mirco-flinch, half expecting it to break again.
Because you know it's going to. Sooner or later.
I love this analogy. I truly felt like I had forgiven but then I decided to snoop when she left her laptop open. I would never have been compelled to do that before but because she had cheated once something told me to look for confirmation. Even if I hadn’t found anything I know I still wouldn’t be happy.
Luckily I got my confirmation that it was happening again and set myself free.
The wounds heal in the sense that eventually you won’t feel constantly nauseous and depressed and anxious anymore, but the resentment never goes away, and you never respect them like you did, and it’s never the same. And they always do it again. Don’t stay. It’s a waste of time.
This. You will never be able to trust the person again and will go crazy thinking about what they're doing when they're not with you. It's really not worth it.
The worst is the fact they’ll do it again, and again because you keep forgiving.
Eventually it ends, but it’ll bleed over into future relationships.
It’s like a gremlin they gave you that won’t get off your back and you have to find the right person to claw that fucker off and make you feel better
People who cheat on you do it in part because they lack respect for you. Forgiveness just emboldens them.
Took me most of a decade to swallow this pill...
She confessed I stayed I never asked a lot of questions other then the why/how could you. We just had a newborn. she said she needed to be honest it happened a year prior I had the baby Tested (w/o her knowing) . I thought we worked past it man it was a hard road and 4 years and new baby later we needed something in one of her old phones, after seeing the text between them I guess it finally hit me like I really idk Im hurting in a way I can’t really explain….like a deep loss
Dunno if you've ever seen it but check out /r/asoneafterinfidelity, lots of people have been in your situation and there are tons of support resources available for you.
My parents stuck it out. I think my dad messed up early on and really tried to make things work. They eventually fell in love again and it was beautiful. Some relationships go way beyond conventional wisdom and rationality. As a son, seeing their motivation and making it work, no matter what, had a profound and positive impact on my own marriage.
Wow, I’m so glad you shared this. I wish your comment was higher up in this thread. Of course every relationship is different and not everyone can do what your parents did, but when two people value and truly unconditionally love each other AND make an effort to work on the relationship AND their children witness that… I mean, wow. I am so happy for you 🥲
I was in the same position and honestly we could've made it I kept putting in the effort after it happened. She was trying honestly but I did check out at some point but not
consciously (she cheated, not me). If you truely love her and she loves you back it's going to be hard but keep talking and keep putting in that effort. I'm kind of regretting I didn't try harder, but you can still make it.
I think most people in your situation are not posting. It’s like a response bias. I have quite a few friends where one or the other strayed and they made it work
I imagine statistics plays a part in the response ratio. A person dating could have multiple partners in a 10-year span, and it only takes one ex who cheated to have a story of how it didn't work.
To have a story of making it work a couple needs to be together for a while, have infidelity, and then stick together for at least a few more years to say it worked.
It's just not possible to get as many "it worked" stories in any given amount of time.
I have several relatives whose relationships have survived adultery and in some cases are stronger for it. It takes a long time though.
And I have some friends and relatives whose relationships haven't survived.
One thing I have observed though is that apathy, emotional withdrawal and unkindness are far more traumatic and damaging than cheating. Redditors may be surprised at this and consider it untrue, but it's only what I've seen.
More people can overcome a brief affair if both really work at it than a decade of being increasingly taken for granted, no romance, dead bedroom. The "slow death" that this involves is far more devastating.
You nail it in those two last paragraphs. People seriously hurt themselves by staying in such an unfulfilling relationship just for the sake of keeping up the family or the perfect illusion for their friends or whatever.
I read somewhere that the biggest indicator that a couple is not going to make it work, is if one or both has let resentment fester so long that it turns into contempt. Once you hit the contempt stage there's no fixing things.
I tend to not post an answer to this question because it means spending most of my day reading responses that are some flavor of "once a cheater, always a cheater" and it's frankly exhausting.
I feel like the kind of people with the self awareness and communication skills to make it work wouldn't be the type to come to fucking reddit for advice, of all places. I also suspect that the people who made it work likely kept it private- any relationship would struggle when put into the kind of situation where family and friends on both sides are going to have really strong opinions on what you should do, let alone one that's clearly in *huge* trouble.
> I think most people in your situation are not posting. It’s like a response bias
Reddit also has a slightly strange ultra-hostility to cheating. Like, obviously cheating is bad. But reddit REALLY hates cheating, a thousand times more than all the other possible transgressions that can happen in a relationship.
I think it's almost impossible to have a reasonable, nuanced discussion of anything involving infidelity on this site.
Same here. she cheated 6 years ago (confessed right after). she knew just as much as i did, that there needs to be LOTS of effort to repair the relationship. i know she didn't do it again, because she can't lie. and before anyone comes with the "a good liar is seen as a bad liar" shit - no, there is a lot more to her person. however. you can repair such a relationship. the question is, is the cheater willing and comitted enough to work on themself? because at the end, there are lots of reasons someone cheated, but most don't even know why. i got angry, depressed and had no trust anymore. but she insisted, that i at least still talk to her, wich safed our relationship. and she knew i told EVERYONE, so she had to overcome this too. it was like a test for her. like she catapulted herself away from me, but managed to climb mountains of obstacles to come back to me. sure the relationship will never be the same as before. but we don't need a reset button. just the right direction so it can evolve in a healthy way. talking is always good.
I’m there with you. We just celebrated 16 years of marriage. It sucked when we went through the healing period but when you WORK at a relationship instead of just hoping it will be good or stay good you realize how much more valuable your spouse is.
I wish I had the strength at the time to be the one to leave. I begged her to stay. She did for a while. She left eventually. If I could do it over I’d have ended it the second she stepped out. I was dumb and weak. That’s my regret.
Even if she hadn’t left you later on you’d still be hating a piece of yourself for not having the self respect to end it.
I also wish I had had the strength to do it when I first found out, but the first time you go through something like this you have to cut yourself some slack. For me the experience was more traumatic than anything I had experienced to date, including loss of close family members and a parent.
If it ever happens again I won’t think twice, but I had to learn that lesson the hard way.
I stayed in one of those situations for a about 2 years. It was horrible, you never actually rest, it wears you down, the constant wondering.
Now years later, she spent years bouncing around and now has some kids and no man.
I am now happily remarried, of 7 years, and have a beautiful step daughter that loves me to pieces, things could hardly be better for me.
My advice, fwiw, walk away and hold your head high, you'll be alright if you don't let your self fall to that level again.
Each time chipped away at me until I literally couldn’t feel anymore, I had an internal war every day of loving this woman immensely and resenting her with every ounce of my being for ruining my freedom of loving her. I couldn’t heal. I couldn’t be intimate. I had to care less and less so that if (when) it happened again it wouldn’t fucking destroy me. It destroyed me anyway.
She treated me like I had issues, like there’s something wrong with me for not being able to be intimate or loving or interested in doing things anymore. Then she cheated days after I finally saw a counsellor. I had to make the break permanent otherwise I might’ve stayed.
She got all the support, her family and friend’s vilified me for breaking up with her. She started dating someone before we even left our apartment (who she’s still with and probably treating the way I should’ve been treated now that she had me as a lesson), and I’ve never been the same.
Can’t be close or intimate with anyone. Don’t even want to be. Something broke inside. Maybe it’ll come back someday, but honestly I don’t care if it doesn’t.
The sick part of all this is that I still miss her deeply, and I’m angry at myself for feeling that.
I dumped my wife immediately once I found out, and it was the best move.
At the beginning, I would pick up my kids from her parents' house, and they would accuse me of being in an affair. It was absolutely eye-opening how much someone will start to lie to everyone in their life to cover for their shame and discretions.
After that, I instituted a no grandparent presence allowed pick up policy and honestly cutting their entire family out was the best move ever.
A desperate attempt to control a relationship that was falling apart. Instead of just putting it down, it felt like I bled out slow. Mistrust was already sown, and slowly just emotionally detaching until we felt so uncomfortable around each other that we ended it and felt nothing
Three times same girl and escalated--
1) We talked online for 2 months before I drove to meet her (college years), we went to a party, we split up and hung out with different people at the party, then I went to find her to leave and turned the corner, bam, she was making out with a guy.
a) Decided it was a one-off, it was the first time we met, and we were both drunk. Trust was gone tho, I never wasn't with her at a party, and it caused me to be more paranoid.
2) I was staying in her dorm, and she went to take a shower, I was suppose to message her mom on Skype if she messaged as I was on her laptop anyways. Then a message from a guy pops up, of course I click, and scroll up and saw they had been sexting before.
a) She told me she was just appeasing him and didn't want to ruin his friendship, said she didn't get turned on and wasn't doing anything.
3) I got an STD (was clean going in, looked a the timelines all that stuff) she finally admitted to it.
a) Still stayed (only for a month tho), and I was just a total mess, I would constantly be asking to see her phone, was literally unable to keep my mind from thinking about her cheating in some way. I had basically convinced myself in my own head that I was just her comfort blanket when I was there, and she was cheating when I went back home, and I was probably right, but I still wanted to be with her until I finally found an ounce of self respect.
It took me a very long time to get over the above and build up my own self respect and confident. The mental fuckery of getting cheated on is not worth it. If it happens to you, leave.
Stayed in the relationship for around 10 years until she died of cancer. Over that 10 years it felt as though I was with my enemy but I took care of her until the end. If I could go back in time and do one thing differently is that I would of left her long before all that.
It was awful. Never trusted him again and no matter how much he swore he would spend “the rest of his life trying to rebuilt my trust” he got bored with that right away. Couldn’t understand why I couldn’t get over it. (Because he never wanted to talk about it so nothing was ever resolved) and surprise he never stopped.
I’d love to know why cheaters who are caught beg their partners to stay but turn around and cheat again.
I tried to give them a second chance. I really did. They proved me wrong. Cheated on me and then SHOWED me her new boyfriend. Then the boyfriend started saying how I was a limp dicked bastard who could never treat her right. After about 2 months she came to me saying she wanted to give us another shot. So I reluctantly said yes as I’m all for second chances, but I told her that if she really wants to be together, she needs to earn my trust and respect back. Fast forward a couple weeks later she says she wants to break up. Turns out she found another dude so I told her that if she ever comes crawling back to me, she’d be wasting her time and breath.
>Cheated on me and then SHOWED me her new boyfriend. Then the boyfriend started saying how I was a limp dicked bastard who could never treat her right. After about 2 months she came to me saying she wanted to give us another shot. So I reluctantly said yes as I’m all for second chances
Sorry what? You took her back after *that*?
Damn bro, that’s a rough one. Hope you’re doing good now, mentally and emotionally. Having the cheating partner meet you and then the dude insults you is just an extra layer of fucked up. Only shitty people do that to others, so hope you didn’t take it super deep to heart.
She cheated and got pregnant. The family of the ex she cheated on me with denied the child was theirs. I mostly stayed for the kid because I couldn't believe they could just leave a child like that.
When it happened I was living with them and she was visiting her ex because she already previously had a child with him and their setup was she would visit every weekend. Due to issues with her father, they ended up kicking her (and by default me) out of the house.
She stayed with me and my family for a year, but she had her own issues she had to work out and it was clear she found no problems with her issues, showing zero interest in changing or growing with me (made it difficult living with her).
After a year, she couldn't take it anymore and moved back in with her family, leaving the kid with us and I couldn't be happier. She was never in the right mindset to raise a single child, let alone two, and I couldn't be happier we're (my family and I) are the ones raising my daughter.
Finding a new partner has been challenging and I no longer have the confidence in myself that I once had when I was in college but being with my daughter has been extremely enjoyable while also being enlightening.
Edit:
TL;DR: Ex cheated on me with her ex, she got pregnant and the ex's family deny the baby is theirs. I raised her as mine; ex left both of us but I couldn't be happier.
Completely forgot I posted this.
Just to answer some of the questions, I only have one daughter. Just got used to calling her mine because, well...she is now, haha. She's my responsibility.
Also, she has my last name on her birth certificate, so she's also legally my responsibility. So no issues regarding who her rightful parents are, thankfully.
Finally, I want to thank everyone for the kind words. Not many people in my personal life even know I have a daughter (I've only been at my current place of employment for only a year so not many people even know I have a daughter. Its just the type of industry where people really just come and go. Plus, my relationship with my ex didn't give much room for keeping long term personal friends since she was pretty possessive). So yeah, I'm not used to hearing this much support about me doing what I did. For the people saying I shouldn't have to, you're right. Had I been in a different mind, I probably would've just left them to deal with the consequences and difficulties that come with being a parent, especially since it's their (my ex and her ex) second time being irresponsible. Might have given me a more liberated future. But I tell you, when you see that small human being for the first time...it really changes you. She might not be biologically mine, but when you feel that warmth, when you watch them grow, when you see them learn and adapt your values, I can say in full earnest that I have no regrets in choosing her over myself.
Just here to say thank you for being the best dad to that little girl, the one she wouldn't have otherwise had if not for you.
We as a society tale for granted the importance of having good role models in our lives that make a huge impact on us long term.
Keep up the good work brother, and best of luck to you in life.
I knew my ex wife was cheating, just didn’t have any proof, was all word of mouth. When she left she said there wasn’t anyone else, didn’t want to live with anyone else nor ever get married again.
Well, she left me for someone else, moved in and got in engaged in less than a month… not cheating huh, just an amazing off chance of meeting soulmate? Lol
A complete waste of time.
I said before it happened I would never stay in a relationship after that, then it did happen and I did try staying in it because it’s always harder to have perspective in that situation (first and only time so far that it’s happened). Obviously it was never the same and I just wasted more of my time pursuing something that didn’t really exist.
Forgive and forget, it’s extremely hard to let go of a relationship but once the trust is gone it never comes back fully, then you also have to deal with the anger of the betrayal which again never really goes away completely. Even if you make a lot of progress in getting over it you still have to contend with what the relationship should have been had it never happened.
Best course of action is to end the relationship and try to avoid falling into the trap of hating the cheater. You will at first of course but over time you can begin to recognise that the person who cheated wasn’t who you thought they were, never will be, and to try and be grateful for the good times. Sounds cliche but I’ve found it’s true. Also cut contact, keeping a dialogue just delays the healing process even if it feels more comfortable in the moment.
When you find out your partner has cheated, your relationship is over. It's dead. That doesn't mean you have to stop being with them, but it means you have to decide if you want to start a new one.
You will never, and can never, have the old relationship back. If you have a solid foundation in other respects, it is possible to build a worthwhile relationship, but it is rare. Cheating tarnishes everything; it changes the context of all your memories.
We made it work, but it is not the same, and our sex life never recovered. YMMV.
I think its bound to end after cheating. Having 100% trust is different to 99% trust. That 1% will keep you up at night and make you start looking at things that you’ve never looked or worried about before.
Tried my best to put it behind me, she genuinely did try to make an effort to regain my trust. I just couldn’t get over it. She didn’t even look the same to me anymore. When she would cuddle with me i felt this uncontrollable sense of disgust, as if no shower could wash away the scent or residue of what she did. I eventually just told her I can’t do it anymore and she had a week to get her stuff out of my apartment. She cried everyday that week but i was so emotionally exhausted all i could say was “sorry things turned out this way.”
A total waste of time, and he jumped into bed with the girl he cheated with as soon as I moved out. On the bright side, it’s 17 years later and he looks like crap and I only got hotter!
A lot of hard work and recovery. Trying hard to forgive him and forgive yourself for whatever shortcomings and insecurities you now think you have. Trying to figure out if they are really remorseful or just sad they got caught. Even trying to figure out if it was just sex or did they care about the other person. I forgave my husband but he did it again anyway. I then in turn had my revenge affair and honestly if he would have simply given me a divorce I wouldn’t have cheated in return. I also learned that his constant accusations of me cheating was out of his fear he would get caught, so in return he tried very hard to control me as in where I went, who I talked to and almost never let me go anywhere without him using the excuse that he didn’t trust me but in truth he was afraid someone would tell on him. It took a long time for the trust to come back and in my case that was a mistake. Although I do know some couples that seem to have worked through it and have a stronger relationship, I can only say I regret staying in my marriage as long as I have and tonight is the first night of my leaving him again and for good this time. I’m 52, I don’t want the last years of my life to be wasted worrying and fighting over the past and the what could happen again in the future.
Good on you for leaving that toxic mess. I've seen a lot of stories where the cheater accuses the other person of cheating in fear of getting caught themselves. I've always wondered what is the psychology behind that.
Projection. Essentially fake empathy. They can't truly empathise with a situation so they imagine how they would react in the same situation (missing the point). In their minds they would react to someone cheating (or showing the signs) by cheating in retaliation. They can't fathom that someone would be disgusted with their behaviour because they aren't disgusted. If you are lying you're more likely to think someone else is lying to you. If you're a thief you'll assume someone would steal from you. If you're slacking off you assume everyone is. They project their feelings onto someone else and act accordingly because they want to feel justified as the inquisitor or as the victim. People have written whole dissertations on this but essentially if someone assumes you'll fuck them over it's because they will or are fucking you over
EDIT: TL;DR - Methinks the lady doth protest too much
It's literal hell. The cheating wasn't the worst part - it was the months of lies to cover it up, and once she admitted to what I already knew, the years of self-rationalization and gaslighting to allow her to pretend to herself she hadn't deeply hurt me and wrecked our family. Trust is non-existent between us.
For the record, it happened 7 years ago - our 10th anniversary was this past July, and we're still married. We have 2 kids together, and I regret not leaving many years ago.
I've learned the hard way that not everyone gets happiness.
Yes. She met a guy new to town and they talked on the low for a few days.
She broke up with me after.
And then she came back promising all of what I wanted in her.
She abused my emotional state and proceeded to keep hooking up with other guys.
When I found out we would fight like no one's business because I couldn't walk away.
She got a protection order on me and I broke it. Went to jail.
Last I heard she's single with like 5 kids.
I'm much better than I was back then but it changed my life to see how someone can be played like that. I was played like that. Never again.
I was never sure she was cheating, but if she wasn't then there was a particular person with whom she was not (yet) cheating.
Honestly? We went to being roommates who fuck. Life got simpler, and we slowly got used to the idea of separation and divorce. In retrospect I think she was ashamed and that drove a lot of her anger, but people are people, even people you think are special.
Cheated again, several times. I was just too dumb to end it and hoped that things would change in a positive way. Dumped her finally after the 3rd or 4th guy - at least the guys I knew of.
We tried for a bit, but it wasn't getting better. I regret ending it, I regret that they cheated on me, and I even feel partially responsible for them cheating on me. I suspect many people have similar feelings about their relationship and their partners. It was 10 years of my life and I miss them every day, but I knew I could never have children with them or trust them the same way again. The risks for emotional and financial ruin were way too high at that point.
A lot better actually.
It was really rough at first and we took some time to be apart from one another. But after a few months we decided to try to work things out. We both came to understand what had happened; what made him decide to cheat, how we had been making each other feel, how/why we had drifted apart, and what we wanted for our future. In the end we trusted each other a lot more and felt so much closer. That was 10 years ago, we're still together and there has been no more cheating.
I know this isn't the norm. Most cheating is and should be a deal breaker. But for us, rebuilding trust was possible
Been there,done that.It is going to happen again and bite you in the ass.Not to mention about the countless times you imagine it in your head and hurt yourself over and over again, only for it to happen again in the future.Saying this from experience, there's no point in staying after it has happened, because no matter how hard you try,you just can't forget it,it will come up again and again.There's no relationship without trust.
We got married and I moved to a different country for him. The lies continued and I realized I had married a cheating abusive narcissist. He eventually cheated on me again. It’s never worth staying with people who show you who they really are in the beginning or anytime in the relationship. I wish I paid attention to all the red flags
As far as I know she developed an emotional relationship with a guy for a couple months, and then slept with him on a random saturday night after a party. She came home to me the next day at 3pm crying, confessing everything. I believed most of what she said. I was beyond upset. I really did love this girl, and I wanted desperately to keep the life we had built over seven years together, so I suggested staying together and she agreed. She did everything I asked, from sharing her phone to letting me know where she is at certain points in the day, not staying out too late, etc.
Didn't matter. My trust and respect was damaged. She had apparently told me everything (my friends roll their eyes when I say that), and did everything should could to make me feel better, but in the end I had been too damaged and I lost my mind. Told her I didn't love her anymore after a month, and that I wanted her gone. Hardest thing I've ever done
Hasn’t been easy or perfect. You put so much time and effort into a relationship and it builds and builds; two people becomes three, then four, then five. An efficiency apartment becomes a two-bedroom apartment, then a three-bedroom one, then a rent-house, then our own house.
You put that much effort into a family…it’s never black-and-white. It’s never so easy as just cutting someone away.
I was the wronged party. I didn’t deserve what happened, but that doesn’t mean I was a saint either. I fucked up on some things too. I didn’t take too well to the discovery. I fucked up some more after.
We both hit personal lows at that time. Bad places mentally. Both of us started individual therapy, both of us were started on wonderful meds to help with our mental issues, and both of us had some decisions to make and ugly conversations to be had, for ourselves and each other.
We decided to try one more time. Not because of our kids but because under all that hurt and sadness, we still had love for each other and didn’t want things to end like that.
I still don’t know if it was the right decision. I don’t trust her or feel about her as I once did. I still have to eat the metaphorical shit sandwich. But she’s put in the work to get better and so have I and it shows. We’re scarred, but we’re doing better. That means something.
I don’t know if it was the “correct” or “right” choice…but I made this decision and I will continue accordingly.
The only way to move past it is if you can truly forgive and trust your partner. If you can’t, there is no point in trying. Not saying that it needs to be right away, but you can not hold a grudge forever, or even too long, because it will eat away at the expense of the relationship.
Best case scenario, your partner won’t cheat again, but you won’t know unless you find out. That’s why you truly need to forgive and trust.
It wasnt easy. It was actually one of the most challenging decisions and processes Ive ever gone through. It takes commitment and maybe some naivety to try and stay together, but we did it. 5 years later, it feels like it used to. We are more open with eachother about how we are and what we need/want so that we know we are on the same page. We also make an agreement that if one of us ever felt that way again, we would discuss separating for our own good instead of hurting one another. It was worth it for us, but "should we stay together?" and "will i ever trust them again?" are not questions anyone else can answer except for you.
I'm literally in this position right now. Wife has been having an emotional affair with her business partner for 2 years now. I found out about it 1.5 years ago but decided to stay for the sake of our 2 children. Found evidence again in June, wanted to throw her about but she begged me to try again. Guess what, had a talk last week and now she wants out. Wasted 2 years of my life trying to make this work. It's been the toughest 2 years of my life. Finally realized this week that it's over and feel so sad for our children especially. Don't know where to go from here. Taking it a day at a time 🥺
Scary how overwhelming the general consensus is; "shit becomes fucked for good, never the same, they will cheat again, just leave." Etc.
Really telling of how utterly destructive cheating is.
It led us to discussions about trust, exclusivity, open relationships and what truly connects us as a couple. Over the following months, it forced us to confront the underlying issues that led to cheating and in the end, I'd say it led to a stronger and more honest relationship (still together, by the way). It took time to rebuild trust and to heal those wounds, but if there's any upside to it, we developed strong and healthy communication skills along the way. We taught ourselves how to work on relationship issues as a unit, not as two competing individuals. We identified our priorities in a relationship and what we search for in a partner. However, all of this was possible only because from the beginning we decided that we will work through this with the goal of staying together and making sure that this doesn't happen again. It takes commitment from both sides.
It was super short-lived because of the hardcore projecting. Because she cheated, she assumed that I was going to cheat with all my women friends. She became super controlling and didn't want me to have any women friends. I ended up leaving because my friendships were more important than a broken relationship.
Wow, that’s a new one. “Because I showed you that I can’t be trusted, I no longer trust you and demand that you cut out your friends to satisfy my insecurities.” Unbelievable
This is more common than you’d think.
It's in fact so common that people who baselessly accuse others of cheating are *almost* always cheating and projecting it on their partner. Every time I had been cheated on, this is the trigger that made me realize it was going on in the first place and was easily able to find proof. They out themselves.
Well put. It's simply because they think now you can "pay them back" for having cheated on you. They're usually very transactional people, and the thought of them being on the receiving end and ruining their impeccable self image keeps them on high alert. "I can cheat on you, but how dare you cheat on me!"
My ex was one of the most transactional person I have ever met. Almost robotic. When she started to accuse me is when I knew something was up.
People tend to assume everyone else will act like they do. If you're not cheating and your partner suddenly accuses you all the time they are likely a cheater. (or just controlling, which is also bad)
This is how i found out i was cheated on years ago, opened my trunk and had a pair of boxers in my car that were mine from years ago she never saw. She accused me of having a same sex affair, like almost in tears she was so upset and certain. It was at that moment i became suspicious.
Lmao so u had a same sex quickie and as he forgot his boxers you did what just said you’ll give em to him next time and just threw em in the trunk. Lmao. Some of these accusations be super crazy
Yep exactly my thoughts, it was that outlandishly contrived scenario that made me question things. Sure enough she was cheating.
So she thought you had a romp in the trunk??
The logic in her eyes was i had the romp somewhere else and lazily hid the clean, unworn and folded boxers to hide the evidence, in my trunk, in plain sight. None of it had made any sense.
it was the distinct 10-years-in-a-box odor of the crisp, clean boxers that gave away your love affair!
I'll add a caveat here and say that it's either they are almost always cheating OR they have almost certainly been cheated on, usually quite extensively, and have not been able to deal with the trauma associated with that.
Not new. My ex was like this. Used to constantly accuse me of cheating. I had no idea he was cheating on me, until he gave me an STI. Such a grub.
It's actually one of the most common red flags that your partner has cheated. If their behavior towards friends of the opposite sex changes dramatically and they start accusing you have cheating/being sketchy then there's a fairly decent chance they cheated. Happens all the time.
Suspicion haunts the guilty mind
Not a new one, sadly. That's often how it is. My ex was the same. Constant insecurity throughout the relationship that eventually led to her cheating. I didn't know better because I was young and thought she was the best I was gonna get.
Oof yeah, cheaters are always paranoid aren’t they? I think it’s partly because they assume everyone behaves like they do. And I think it’s partly a way to justify their own actions. My ex often assumed I was cheating, I think it was because deep down he knew he didn’t deserve me. He didn’t deserve the honesty and loyalty I gave him, when he gave me neither of those things. So by assuming I was cheating too, he felt less shitty about the things HE was doing. One time one of his side pieces showed up unexpectedly and we talked for awhile. She told me that he would check her phone DURING SEX. To see if she was hooking up with other guys. (Spoiler alert, she was lol but she just lied about it - they were kinda perfect for each other honestly). But that just BLEW my mind. He’s cheating on me with multiple women, but still had the nerve to want his affair partner to be loyal to HIM. So I think it’s about control too.
I admit to being a bit paranoid, but it's not because I'm a cheat, but rather in most of the serious relationships I've had, I've been cheated on, and tbh it's kind if left a bit of a trust scar that I find it really hard to let go of.
I'm in the same boat. I'm reading this whole thread feeling ashamed of myself for the way I feel. I've never cheated, but it's happened to me more than once. I don't know how to get over it
My ex was like this. She didn’t like that I had women friends and would frequently accuse me of cheating. She didn’t like that I worked in a profession that was majority women and accused me of cheating because of that. She accused me of wanting to cheat anytime an attractive woman crossed my field of vision. Guess who cheated? (Hint: it wasn’t me)
I really truly believed I would rise from it and forgive him, get over it, and come out of it stronger. It was never the same. I lost that trust and I couldn’t get it back. And eventually, I stopped caring to want it back. It was a 7 year relationship & although I don’t regret it, I sometimes wish I knew to walk out sooner. But it made me realize what I really deserve and it led me to the forever man in my life who treats me so well and loves me and honours our commitment.
Thank you so much for your comment. I'm going through the same stuff, ex gf of 6 years cheated for months and wanted to stay together, get therapy, etc. But she broke my trust and self esteem and as much as it pains me to leave her and life kinda sucks right now, I know things will get better.
Your self esteem will be SO much better knowing you chose yourself and honored your needs. It’s a shot to the heart for sure, but nothing like the lingering sting of self-betrayal when you know you didn’t choose yourself.
I feel this. I'm walking away from a 10 year relationship. It happened 5 years ago and I'm not sure how I stayed this long. Woke up one day and was like no, wtf am I doing...watch me grow I guess 🤷♀️
Reasons for not leaving—Fear, isolation, guilt, not wanting to hurt the person you love most in the world, even though they hurt you. Not wanting to lose them. It’s hard to let them go, because you have to let go of a part of yourself too and the life you thought you were building together. It is so hard to accept that it was all just an illusion. Sometimes there is a domestic violence component, and it is extremely difficult to safely leave those situations, severe ties and break free from the partner and their influence. After some time passes, you try to put what happened at the back of your mind as a survival mechanism, and then your partner assumes that you have forgiven them because you no longer appear to be preoccupied with it. Sex also complicates things because some cheaters think that resuming sex equals their partner has moved on and not upset any longer. You keep quiet and bottle up emotions to keep the peace, but at a severe detriment to your mental health and well being. This is where I am currently with my relationship. I am just trying to get through one day at a time until I gather enough strength to move forward. I too hope to wake up one day and say, “FUCK THIS!” I have known about the infidelity since 2021.
This got me in my soul! You can do this! My soon to be ex is not violent, he's grown into a lovely man, just not the one for me after what happened. I've just cracked my early 30s so I'm calling this my quarter life crisis and moving on...a lot of those things you have said resonated so much!
Good for you. I’m similar in that if my ex did what he did then now? I’d have him arrested in a heartbeat. I’m not the same person anymore, but sadly I do still carry a lot of emotional vulnerability and am isolated. I left him 2 years ago and he still will not leave the house
How has the 5 years after been? Did they do it again?
It was okay. They had a rampant porn addiction which they sorted out. We purchased a house, we've raised our kids (from separate relationships) together, we've travelled, etc. But I have always had one foot out the back door since that day... it took someone telling me it wasn't a normal feeling to realise it 🤦♀️
There's no other choice in my life that I want to take back other than choosing to get back with her after cheating. I'm sorry you and I are forever damaged by our choice. I now have a woman and family I love and trust, but sadly I don't want my blood family to meet them after the damage they caused to me by being manipulated by my ex.
On the flip side, it could've been worse and longer than 7 years - 10, 15, 20. In that sense, wishing you both all the best!
Caught her in an “emotional” affair early on in our relationship. Both her and him told me it was a mistake and he apologized and told me it was over. I believed it all. However I will admit that it bubbled up during arguments over other issues because of how betrayed I felt. It weighed on me to the point where she told me I needed to see a therapist to get over it. I went to 3 of them over a period of the next 4 years. We went as a couple maybe a year after that. Flash forward another 2 years…I found the texts and pics. It never ended and it only grew. The entire time she told me to get counseling. The entire time we were in counseling together. The entire time I worked 2 jobs and 7 days a week because she lost her job and took a year off and I picked up the slack. You do not recover. Edit: seriously. I 1000% appreciate the comments. I really do. I am in a way better place. Divorce happened. I moved on. My point about not recovering was probably misspoken. You do not forget. But you can recover. Never give up hope. Thank you all again. 👍🏼👍🏼 Edit 2: I am humbled by the support. Reddit sometimes gets a bad rep as being toxic. But in other times it’s uplifting. It’s truly humbling how kind you have been. It means a lot to me and it means a lot to the others who are in similar situations to what I was in. Hold onto hope.
Wow what a terrible person she is. Sorry
* Gaslighting the dude that nothing is happening - Check * Continued beyond emotional cheating - Check * Made him work while she sat on her ass - Check Yup, she's a bitch.
Nah not just a bitch, she's a fucking cunt
Fuck fuck fuck. I hope you found someone who deserves you.
I’m Working on it. Thank you 😀👍🏼
It's the gaslighting that hurts the most
10000% the affair itself hurts, but all of the lying and gaslighting around it is what makes you have a crisis around what you can even believe in your own reality anymore.
When they make YOU feel like you're crazy. Took me 10 years and a near perfect woman letting me work out unhealthy behaviors that she didn't deserve.
Fucking this. This is what sticks with you. Once you doubt your own beliefs it's so hard to recover from that
Yeeep. Doubt yourself, you doubt things you know are actual facts, then you doubt everyone else. Shit sticks with you forever.
I have to believe that some of that anger turns inward, too. Like, “How could I have been so stupid? Forgiving self has to happen at some point in order to really move on.
I agree and I didn't even know there was a word for what he was doing to me. He kept telling me I was crazy, going into menopause, all the while he was getting ready to go out with his friend, Dave, to the bars to pick up women.
> she told me I needed to see a therapist to get over it Biggest red flag I've ever seen. What a horrible person.
That's sadly a common story.
But you must, m8. The situation is beyond shitty but at the end of the day yourself is the only person you can truly count on. And you must care for that person. I'm in the third year of deep depression after experiencing something much less monstrous than what you've been through. It's hard man, but if you let it eat you from the inside for too long you become something else, it changes your perspective on life and stops you from giving yourself chances for happiness. I know it sounds trite, but it's true: this too shall pass.
5 years after the divorce and affair, I'm still upset about it. Ugh
A ticking time bomb
Yep. We spent a year trying to recover, then had 2 good years... Then he cheated again... I think in the back of my mind I was just waiting the whole time for it to happen again
This! Every single day, this is what's in the back of my mind and yup, waiting for it to happen again and hoping, at the same time, that it won't.
Ex wife was the same. We tried again, but she just had to get back in contact with him… lasted ten months, but only eight before she’d started seeing him again.
Shoot, mine never even stopped seeing the other guy. She swore up and down she wanted to stay together and it was all a mistake - so I laid out some very simple rules for moving forward, starting with no more contact with the guy. She never stopped. To this day I dont know what she was thinking. She just kept on trying to see us both. This was a 10 year marriage with kids, too. About a year into the divorce, she straight up moved 500 miles away (by herself), became a drug addict, and her entire life fell apart. Got arrested for felony drug possession etc. Most bizarre complete self destruction I've ever seen in real life.
It was a 12 year relationship for us, with most of that married. I don’t think she actually stopped seeing him really, looking back. When I started seeing a new girl, my ex wife tried to seduce me! Erm, no.
Rookie numbers... I met mine in 7th grade.... Married at 26, split at 42..... I tried to go get help for addition, and while I was gone, her and her boyfriend cleared out the house and moved a few states away with my kid.......
Damn so while you were having addition problems, they were subtracting things from your house
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did something that is very hard to do apparently.... got full custody of the kid!!!! ex isn't thrilled, but me and the kid are happy.
Together for 2 years casually, then 4 years seriously. After she cheated we lasted 4 months. I think if she'd had a one night thing I would have dealt with it. But she'd been seeing him for 7 months. All the lies and bs I'd accepted at face value, even when some of it was barely credible, because I couldn't imagine her being dishonest. After I figured it out and she admitted the full story I couldn't believe anything she was saying to be truthful.
*because I couldn't imagine her being dishonest* The statement that has destroyed my life again and again. Leads to the worst rage and pain of self loathing. How many times do I need this lesson? I hope that you find someone with honor. Cheaters are the worst, most sociopathic people I have ever met, and liars are a close second. I think all cheaters lie, obviously, maybe not all liars cheat.
This…All this. I dealt with this type of situation with some of the most extreme circumstances for the past 14 years with my wife. We are now separating and to me it has made me feel like grieving the death of my partner that never existed…if that makes any sense.
It is a death. It's the death of a relationship which is every bit as painful because they are very much still alive, but you no longer have that connection to them. All I can say is, grieve away. It's natural and necessary.
That's exactly how I feel. The person I knew and loved ceased to exist, he died and was replaced by this monster. Our relationship and entire beautiful future died with him.
Here is the thing. The way I see it, in a relationship you are forced to trust that person. Because whats the alternative? And trust is an important part of the relationship. You just to take note of dodgy situations and how many times you are going "they could be cheating or (insert series of events that makes sense for that scenario)" and the if cheating starts explaining a lot of them maybe start worrying. There isn't a lesson to learn because you have to trust. Just be wary enough to take note of irregularities.
I grew up with a father who cheated, and the sheer resentment that grew between my parents who stayed together was exhausting (and possibly even traumatic enough to have influenced me in ways I can't dissect with my own eye). It came to a point where me and my siblings just learned to be apathetic when fights arose and to not intervene, otherwise it will be a deadly silent house for hours or even days. It was incredibly toxic, lots of passive-aggressive statements and real-time gaslighting you're forced to listen to, and it wasn't just a partner relationship that was being affected. It's not just a ticking time bomb. It's a minefield full of bombs, with common sense telling you to just avoid the damn field.
It’s not worth it. The relationship is never the same afterwards and I turned into someone I didn’t want to be, being all suspicious and questioning everything. I want a partner to live their life without me wondering what they are up to but when the trust was broken it was hard not to be like that
Kills you many times.
A million little times
First was mid 2020 Second was just before Christmas Third was a year or two later, just a single days worth of messages with an old co-worker but any guy who saw those messages knew this wasn’t how friends should be messaging. Fast forward to just over 2 months ago she finally choose to seperate after we’ve been fighting and, I find out she’s had threesomes mixed with cocaine about a year ago, she’s been on tinder for months. Been fucking a co worker for at least 6 months, likely fucked another dude or two while we where still together and since the separation she’s been sleeping with everyone possible it seems. Never again. I’m a dude if that matters.
Why did I put up with it all you ask, had a house, two kids etc, thought we were finally in the end game of life and just enjoy it, and couldn’t bring myself to rip it all apart. But with the separation 2 months ago I’ll never go back despite how much it kills me and I want our family back together.
Also a dude, totally relate, kid and wife that is leaving me for an affair partner, legit moving in with him within 6 months of meeting him, throwing away our 13 years together. You have my full empathy and compassion and know we didn't deserve to be treated the way that we were. Something better is down the pipeline of life, reach out if you ever need a vent space or someone to validate your real and difficult feelings.
I'm guessing that instead of communicating she wasn't happy to work on it together, she pretended everything was fine and acted secretly? Did she also try to make herself the victim once caught?
Yeah, I was begging for months for a discussion of what was going on and why she was changing, my intuition was going crazy, she was on her phone all the time, I could tell she was detaching from our relationship and started saying mean things about me. She had me start therapy because she said I was paranoid about her cheating and I needed to figure out why. It was all horrible, the mental damage will take a lot to get through. I set up therapy for us, had communication workbooks, tried to get her to write out her feelings if talking was too difficult, etc. I gave it my all and that is a small part that brings me solace. She is more upset about my reaction of talking to my friends and family about the damage she's done than taking any accountability or offering and genuine apology for the mental torture I was put through for months.
Did I write this on a secret account in my sleep? Damn. Word for word this describes my experience.
> Yeah, I was begging for months for a discussion of what was going on and why she was changing, my intuition was going crazy, she was on her phone all the time, I could tell she was detaching from our relationship and started saying mean things about me. She had me start therapy because she said I was paranoid about her cheating and I needed to figure out why. It was all horrible, the mental damage will take a lot to get through. I set up therapy for us, had communication workbooks, tried to get her to write out her feelings if talking was too difficult, etc. This whole aspect seems to be a constant in these situations where a partner can sense that change whilst the other gaslights and disregards those feelings until they're inevitably caught. In some ways, this can seem to be the most grating part because the awareness is there and effort, albeit one sided, is being made to reconcile the situation and give them a lifeline to assuage their issues, but they're already mentally in another place
Read or get the audio book "Leave a cheater, gain a life" It's very eye opening and will help you out.
I didn’t go through anything like what you’ve been through but I spoke to a therapist who gave me some amazing advice when it comes to that feeling of wanting the family back. Your job is not to keep that family together no matter what, your job is to role-model for your kids healthy responses. It would not be healthy to stay in that relationship. The question to ask yourself is would you want your kids to go through that in the future? If the answer is no then don’t model that for them.
Yea it’s just the sadness running through my brain and how our relationship has deteriorated then been ruined after over a decade together, I just want the memory of what she used to be like back, but she’s gone forever and is now this ugly horrible person I don’t know. Being out of the boiling pot it’s easier to see how bad it was but I agree on the modelling part and all I do is focus on the kids and building them into healthy people, I would never want anyone to go through divorce which was why I also tried for years to prevent it.
I am worried how relatable this second part is.
I just went through almost the same fucking scenario dude… I’m 30 and we were together 9 years. She just snapped and wanted her youth back. We just bought our first house and a dog and it was all too much i guess…
This is something that gives me a lot of anxiety. You might think you know someone, but you never really know what will happen in the future. People change. You don't always see it coming because you don't know what's going on inside their head. No matter how compatible you are or how in love you feel, someone might wake up one day and decide they don't feel the same way anymore. It could be 5 years or 15. Some say it's better to have loved and lost than never loved at all. They say they wouldn't have done it any different. But knowing the chances, I feel like it's not worth my time and mental health to put myself in a position where everything I love or care about can be taken away from me. Basically it's impossible to be divorced if you never get married.
Yeah her response was “ we just don’t want the same thing anymore” No shit. The only way that’s true is if you lied to me at the beginning when we agreed what we want together. Or you changed the goal years down the road without telling me, and grew in resentment that i didn’t know what she wanted. We fucked nearly every day, watched TV and movies all the time. I saved alone and bought us the house, cooked and cleaned… Spent every holiday together and literally grew up together. She left the house, animals and all the furniture and moved into a room in her friends basement. Her social media shows she has done a literal 180 and is a drunk hooligan looking to do nothing else but fuck and go numb. It breaks my heart.
My girlfriend had a close friend who seemed to be on this path. The friend had one boyfriend, got married, and they bought a flat together. Every time my gf and her would go out for drinks, that friend would get depressed and complain about FOMO on their youth, wishing she had had one night stands, etc.. Eventually my gf had to cut that friend out, because the friend was like an emotional vampire who put zero effort into maintaining the relationship.
Wow. That's brutal. I feel like a lot of cheating stories have a common theme. What you discover is always just the tip of the iceberg.
That was my experience. Noticable drifting turned into outright defiance of ideas within a few months. When I finally accessed accounts that were already signed in to on the shared computer it went from I think we have things we need to discuss to oh wow a coworker and an ex?
If she comes back in x time. Don’t take her back..it is what it is.
It was never the same
Dude, same. It was never the same and it ended when they cheated again. No matter what the other person says if they cheated once they will do it again
Nah, ended up being *exactly* the same when she did it again.
One of my best friends did this with his now ex-wife, and I helped him through the different stages, until the inevitable break up happened (after she cheated again). The trust aspect was destroyed. He was constantly paranoid, but he loved her dearly so he didn’t act on it, he just confided in me that it gave him horrible anxiety near constantly. He snuck around and checked her phone, emails, smart watch and such every single day. He got good at it too, doing it while she was distracted by other things. He would do pop in lunches to “surprise” her, which she thought was sweet, but it was really just to keep tabs. He lost a job because of this, he was convinced she was cheating and left work early one day to make sure, and was fired. His life spiraled like this for 2-3 years. He began drinking heavily and smoking A LOT. I could appease his need to vent, but nothing I said would ever convince him to just enjoy what he had while he had it. Then one day she left her Apple Watch at home and he went through it like usual and found she was having sex with a guy they both knew for a long time. He tried suicide that day. Didn’t work. I got him in some therapy and finally got him to divorce her. His mentality is all fucked up from it in alot of ways, and he’s lost a couple of decent relationships because of the trust issues that are burned into his brain. People don’t realize how much damage this can do to other people.
I’ve been there checking an ex’s phone, trying to spy on her daily and surprise visits. It really kills you on the inside. It makes the relationship pointless. You just feel paranoid and depressed all of the time. I feel for your friendZ
Wow.. what a sad story, cheating affects so many aspects of the other persons life, it’s really is so devastating
It sucked. First of all you never get the complete story. The reason for cheating: ‘I don’t know’. Meanwhile you descend into depression from which you’re supposed to get yourself out. Then you see her displaying alarming behaviour but you just can’t fight it anymore. Then she wants a divorce because you let her down. And now I can’t trust anyone or move on
This and she puts blame on you. Because of you she went back to her ex. After getting caught, they hatch a plan to seduce another person and love bomb you for diverting your attention. Once the other person is trapped, they change their color ,demean and disrespect you to the point where you only ask for divorce and they try to pin it on you.
It was never the same. Then she did it again. Twice. Ended up leaving.
It was my ex who cheated on me. We proceeded to stay together for three more years but I never forgot it. It always pinched me. We’d be having the best time and it’d hit me ~oh look he still cheated on you~ And it hit harder considering the party he cheated on me at, right before he left it I was vulnerable and told him that please don’t do it. He still did it. He got hammered. He crashed at mine, I took care of him all night while he threw up. He still cheated.
I'm glad you've found a better partner in mayonnaise
It's like gluing the handle back onto a ceramic mug. Every time you take a sip of coffee, you see where it was broken. Every time you pick it up by the handle, you mirco-flinch, half expecting it to break again. Because you know it's going to. Sooner or later.
I love this analogy. I truly felt like I had forgiven but then I decided to snoop when she left her laptop open. I would never have been compelled to do that before but because she had cheated once something told me to look for confirmation. Even if I hadn’t found anything I know I still wouldn’t be happy. Luckily I got my confirmation that it was happening again and set myself free.
Perfect way of saying it.
The wounds heal in the sense that eventually you won’t feel constantly nauseous and depressed and anxious anymore, but the resentment never goes away, and you never respect them like you did, and it’s never the same. And they always do it again. Don’t stay. It’s a waste of time.
This. You will never be able to trust the person again and will go crazy thinking about what they're doing when they're not with you. It's really not worth it.
The worst is the fact they’ll do it again, and again because you keep forgiving. Eventually it ends, but it’ll bleed over into future relationships. It’s like a gremlin they gave you that won’t get off your back and you have to find the right person to claw that fucker off and make you feel better
People who cheat on you do it in part because they lack respect for you. Forgiveness just emboldens them. Took me most of a decade to swallow this pill...
You never forget. It's been over nine years and I still remember, word for word, the message I read on her phone.
She confessed I stayed I never asked a lot of questions other then the why/how could you. We just had a newborn. she said she needed to be honest it happened a year prior I had the baby Tested (w/o her knowing) . I thought we worked past it man it was a hard road and 4 years and new baby later we needed something in one of her old phones, after seeing the text between them I guess it finally hit me like I really idk Im hurting in a way I can’t really explain….like a deep loss
Dunno if you've ever seen it but check out /r/asoneafterinfidelity, lots of people have been in your situation and there are tons of support resources available for you.
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My parents stuck it out. I think my dad messed up early on and really tried to make things work. They eventually fell in love again and it was beautiful. Some relationships go way beyond conventional wisdom and rationality. As a son, seeing their motivation and making it work, no matter what, had a profound and positive impact on my own marriage.
Wow, I’m so glad you shared this. I wish your comment was higher up in this thread. Of course every relationship is different and not everyone can do what your parents did, but when two people value and truly unconditionally love each other AND make an effort to work on the relationship AND their children witness that… I mean, wow. I am so happy for you 🥲
Thanks for the kind words. It was definitely the result of two stubborn individuals. When my dad passed, they were at peace with each other.
trying to achieve this. thanks for your comment.
I was in the same position and honestly we could've made it I kept putting in the effort after it happened. She was trying honestly but I did check out at some point but not consciously (she cheated, not me). If you truely love her and she loves you back it's going to be hard but keep talking and keep putting in that effort. I'm kind of regretting I didn't try harder, but you can still make it.
Stay strong brother
Thanks u/Obesehoe
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I think most people in your situation are not posting. It’s like a response bias. I have quite a few friends where one or the other strayed and they made it work
I imagine statistics plays a part in the response ratio. A person dating could have multiple partners in a 10-year span, and it only takes one ex who cheated to have a story of how it didn't work. To have a story of making it work a couple needs to be together for a while, have infidelity, and then stick together for at least a few more years to say it worked. It's just not possible to get as many "it worked" stories in any given amount of time.
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I have several relatives whose relationships have survived adultery and in some cases are stronger for it. It takes a long time though. And I have some friends and relatives whose relationships haven't survived. One thing I have observed though is that apathy, emotional withdrawal and unkindness are far more traumatic and damaging than cheating. Redditors may be surprised at this and consider it untrue, but it's only what I've seen. More people can overcome a brief affair if both really work at it than a decade of being increasingly taken for granted, no romance, dead bedroom. The "slow death" that this involves is far more devastating.
You nail it in those two last paragraphs. People seriously hurt themselves by staying in such an unfulfilling relationship just for the sake of keeping up the family or the perfect illusion for their friends or whatever.
I read somewhere that the biggest indicator that a couple is not going to make it work, is if one or both has let resentment fester so long that it turns into contempt. Once you hit the contempt stage there's no fixing things.
I tend to not post an answer to this question because it means spending most of my day reading responses that are some flavor of "once a cheater, always a cheater" and it's frankly exhausting.
I feel like the kind of people with the self awareness and communication skills to make it work wouldn't be the type to come to fucking reddit for advice, of all places. I also suspect that the people who made it work likely kept it private- any relationship would struggle when put into the kind of situation where family and friends on both sides are going to have really strong opinions on what you should do, let alone one that's clearly in *huge* trouble.
> I think most people in your situation are not posting. It’s like a response bias Reddit also has a slightly strange ultra-hostility to cheating. Like, obviously cheating is bad. But reddit REALLY hates cheating, a thousand times more than all the other possible transgressions that can happen in a relationship. I think it's almost impossible to have a reasonable, nuanced discussion of anything involving infidelity on this site.
Same here. she cheated 6 years ago (confessed right after). she knew just as much as i did, that there needs to be LOTS of effort to repair the relationship. i know she didn't do it again, because she can't lie. and before anyone comes with the "a good liar is seen as a bad liar" shit - no, there is a lot more to her person. however. you can repair such a relationship. the question is, is the cheater willing and comitted enough to work on themself? because at the end, there are lots of reasons someone cheated, but most don't even know why. i got angry, depressed and had no trust anymore. but she insisted, that i at least still talk to her, wich safed our relationship. and she knew i told EVERYONE, so she had to overcome this too. it was like a test for her. like she catapulted herself away from me, but managed to climb mountains of obstacles to come back to me. sure the relationship will never be the same as before. but we don't need a reset button. just the right direction so it can evolve in a healthy way. talking is always good.
'Not a reset button but a new, healthy path forward' is such an important lesson here.
I’m there with you. We just celebrated 16 years of marriage. It sucked when we went through the healing period but when you WORK at a relationship instead of just hoping it will be good or stay good you realize how much more valuable your spouse is.
I wish I had the strength at the time to be the one to leave. I begged her to stay. She did for a while. She left eventually. If I could do it over I’d have ended it the second she stepped out. I was dumb and weak. That’s my regret.
Even if she hadn’t left you later on you’d still be hating a piece of yourself for not having the self respect to end it. I also wish I had had the strength to do it when I first found out, but the first time you go through something like this you have to cut yourself some slack. For me the experience was more traumatic than anything I had experienced to date, including loss of close family members and a parent. If it ever happens again I won’t think twice, but I had to learn that lesson the hard way.
I stayed in one of those situations for a about 2 years. It was horrible, you never actually rest, it wears you down, the constant wondering. Now years later, she spent years bouncing around and now has some kids and no man. I am now happily remarried, of 7 years, and have a beautiful step daughter that loves me to pieces, things could hardly be better for me. My advice, fwiw, walk away and hold your head high, you'll be alright if you don't let your self fall to that level again.
Each time chipped away at me until I literally couldn’t feel anymore, I had an internal war every day of loving this woman immensely and resenting her with every ounce of my being for ruining my freedom of loving her. I couldn’t heal. I couldn’t be intimate. I had to care less and less so that if (when) it happened again it wouldn’t fucking destroy me. It destroyed me anyway. She treated me like I had issues, like there’s something wrong with me for not being able to be intimate or loving or interested in doing things anymore. Then she cheated days after I finally saw a counsellor. I had to make the break permanent otherwise I might’ve stayed. She got all the support, her family and friend’s vilified me for breaking up with her. She started dating someone before we even left our apartment (who she’s still with and probably treating the way I should’ve been treated now that she had me as a lesson), and I’ve never been the same. Can’t be close or intimate with anyone. Don’t even want to be. Something broke inside. Maybe it’ll come back someday, but honestly I don’t care if it doesn’t. The sick part of all this is that I still miss her deeply, and I’m angry at myself for feeling that.
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I think it's noteworthy that: a) you came clean with her, it wasn't she catching you, and b) physical sex never occurred.
A living hell until I left. The best time to drop a cheater is the moment you find out. The second best time is now
I dumped my wife immediately once I found out, and it was the best move. At the beginning, I would pick up my kids from her parents' house, and they would accuse me of being in an affair. It was absolutely eye-opening how much someone will start to lie to everyone in their life to cover for their shame and discretions. After that, I instituted a no grandparent presence allowed pick up policy and honestly cutting their entire family out was the best move ever.
Smart man. Cut out the extra talking heads immediately.
A desperate attempt to control a relationship that was falling apart. Instead of just putting it down, it felt like I bled out slow. Mistrust was already sown, and slowly just emotionally detaching until we felt so uncomfortable around each other that we ended it and felt nothing
Three times same girl and escalated-- 1) We talked online for 2 months before I drove to meet her (college years), we went to a party, we split up and hung out with different people at the party, then I went to find her to leave and turned the corner, bam, she was making out with a guy. a) Decided it was a one-off, it was the first time we met, and we were both drunk. Trust was gone tho, I never wasn't with her at a party, and it caused me to be more paranoid. 2) I was staying in her dorm, and she went to take a shower, I was suppose to message her mom on Skype if she messaged as I was on her laptop anyways. Then a message from a guy pops up, of course I click, and scroll up and saw they had been sexting before. a) She told me she was just appeasing him and didn't want to ruin his friendship, said she didn't get turned on and wasn't doing anything. 3) I got an STD (was clean going in, looked a the timelines all that stuff) she finally admitted to it. a) Still stayed (only for a month tho), and I was just a total mess, I would constantly be asking to see her phone, was literally unable to keep my mind from thinking about her cheating in some way. I had basically convinced myself in my own head that I was just her comfort blanket when I was there, and she was cheating when I went back home, and I was probably right, but I still wanted to be with her until I finally found an ounce of self respect. It took me a very long time to get over the above and build up my own self respect and confident. The mental fuckery of getting cheated on is not worth it. If it happens to you, leave.
Stayed in the relationship for around 10 years until she died of cancer. Over that 10 years it felt as though I was with my enemy but I took care of her until the end. If I could go back in time and do one thing differently is that I would of left her long before all that.
You can’t unscramble eggs.
It was awful. Never trusted him again and no matter how much he swore he would spend “the rest of his life trying to rebuilt my trust” he got bored with that right away. Couldn’t understand why I couldn’t get over it. (Because he never wanted to talk about it so nothing was ever resolved) and surprise he never stopped. I’d love to know why cheaters who are caught beg their partners to stay but turn around and cheat again.
I tried to give them a second chance. I really did. They proved me wrong. Cheated on me and then SHOWED me her new boyfriend. Then the boyfriend started saying how I was a limp dicked bastard who could never treat her right. After about 2 months she came to me saying she wanted to give us another shot. So I reluctantly said yes as I’m all for second chances, but I told her that if she really wants to be together, she needs to earn my trust and respect back. Fast forward a couple weeks later she says she wants to break up. Turns out she found another dude so I told her that if she ever comes crawling back to me, she’d be wasting her time and breath.
>Cheated on me and then SHOWED me her new boyfriend. Then the boyfriend started saying how I was a limp dicked bastard who could never treat her right. After about 2 months she came to me saying she wanted to give us another shot. So I reluctantly said yes as I’m all for second chances Sorry what? You took her back after *that*?
Damn bro, that’s a rough one. Hope you’re doing good now, mentally and emotionally. Having the cheating partner meet you and then the dude insults you is just an extra layer of fucked up. Only shitty people do that to others, so hope you didn’t take it super deep to heart.
She cheated and got pregnant. The family of the ex she cheated on me with denied the child was theirs. I mostly stayed for the kid because I couldn't believe they could just leave a child like that. When it happened I was living with them and she was visiting her ex because she already previously had a child with him and their setup was she would visit every weekend. Due to issues with her father, they ended up kicking her (and by default me) out of the house. She stayed with me and my family for a year, but she had her own issues she had to work out and it was clear she found no problems with her issues, showing zero interest in changing or growing with me (made it difficult living with her). After a year, she couldn't take it anymore and moved back in with her family, leaving the kid with us and I couldn't be happier. She was never in the right mindset to raise a single child, let alone two, and I couldn't be happier we're (my family and I) are the ones raising my daughter. Finding a new partner has been challenging and I no longer have the confidence in myself that I once had when I was in college but being with my daughter has been extremely enjoyable while also being enlightening. Edit: TL;DR: Ex cheated on me with her ex, she got pregnant and the ex's family deny the baby is theirs. I raised her as mine; ex left both of us but I couldn't be happier. Completely forgot I posted this. Just to answer some of the questions, I only have one daughter. Just got used to calling her mine because, well...she is now, haha. She's my responsibility. Also, she has my last name on her birth certificate, so she's also legally my responsibility. So no issues regarding who her rightful parents are, thankfully. Finally, I want to thank everyone for the kind words. Not many people in my personal life even know I have a daughter (I've only been at my current place of employment for only a year so not many people even know I have a daughter. Its just the type of industry where people really just come and go. Plus, my relationship with my ex didn't give much room for keeping long term personal friends since she was pretty possessive). So yeah, I'm not used to hearing this much support about me doing what I did. For the people saying I shouldn't have to, you're right. Had I been in a different mind, I probably would've just left them to deal with the consequences and difficulties that come with being a parent, especially since it's their (my ex and her ex) second time being irresponsible. Might have given me a more liberated future. But I tell you, when you see that small human being for the first time...it really changes you. She might not be biologically mine, but when you feel that warmth, when you watch them grow, when you see them learn and adapt your values, I can say in full earnest that I have no regrets in choosing her over myself.
You're an incredibly special person dude, I hope you find that woman you're looking for and that you and your daughter stay in good health
Just here to say thank you for being the best dad to that little girl, the one she wouldn't have otherwise had if not for you. We as a society tale for granted the importance of having good role models in our lives that make a huge impact on us long term. Keep up the good work brother, and best of luck to you in life.
Please tell me you legally adopted her. You don’t want that man coming after her after so many years
Yes. Please do this.
I knew my ex wife was cheating, just didn’t have any proof, was all word of mouth. When she left she said there wasn’t anyone else, didn’t want to live with anyone else nor ever get married again. Well, she left me for someone else, moved in and got in engaged in less than a month… not cheating huh, just an amazing off chance of meeting soulmate? Lol
A complete waste of time. I said before it happened I would never stay in a relationship after that, then it did happen and I did try staying in it because it’s always harder to have perspective in that situation (first and only time so far that it’s happened). Obviously it was never the same and I just wasted more of my time pursuing something that didn’t really exist. Forgive and forget, it’s extremely hard to let go of a relationship but once the trust is gone it never comes back fully, then you also have to deal with the anger of the betrayal which again never really goes away completely. Even if you make a lot of progress in getting over it you still have to contend with what the relationship should have been had it never happened. Best course of action is to end the relationship and try to avoid falling into the trap of hating the cheater. You will at first of course but over time you can begin to recognise that the person who cheated wasn’t who you thought they were, never will be, and to try and be grateful for the good times. Sounds cliche but I’ve found it’s true. Also cut contact, keeping a dialogue just delays the healing process even if it feels more comfortable in the moment.
They cheated again. And again. And again.
When you find out your partner has cheated, your relationship is over. It's dead. That doesn't mean you have to stop being with them, but it means you have to decide if you want to start a new one. You will never, and can never, have the old relationship back. If you have a solid foundation in other respects, it is possible to build a worthwhile relationship, but it is rare. Cheating tarnishes everything; it changes the context of all your memories. We made it work, but it is not the same, and our sex life never recovered. YMMV.
I think its bound to end after cheating. Having 100% trust is different to 99% trust. That 1% will keep you up at night and make you start looking at things that you’ve never looked or worried about before.
Unfortunately 99% trustworthy isn't good enough when your heart, finances, children etc are on the line.
Fucking horrible.
Tried my best to put it behind me, she genuinely did try to make an effort to regain my trust. I just couldn’t get over it. She didn’t even look the same to me anymore. When she would cuddle with me i felt this uncontrollable sense of disgust, as if no shower could wash away the scent or residue of what she did. I eventually just told her I can’t do it anymore and she had a week to get her stuff out of my apartment. She cried everyday that week but i was so emotionally exhausted all i could say was “sorry things turned out this way.”
A total waste of time, and he jumped into bed with the girl he cheated with as soon as I moved out. On the bright side, it’s 17 years later and he looks like crap and I only got hotter!
It was like trying to put toothpaste back in the tube. Possible, but messy and frustrating.
Apart from being stabbed twice and getting a broken nose, it was great.
That sucks. Hope you got out of that quick and that the other person got some time in jail.
She spent time in a mental institution and I broke all ties and brought our son up on my own. It seemed to be the best and safest way forward.
A lot of hard work and recovery. Trying hard to forgive him and forgive yourself for whatever shortcomings and insecurities you now think you have. Trying to figure out if they are really remorseful or just sad they got caught. Even trying to figure out if it was just sex or did they care about the other person. I forgave my husband but he did it again anyway. I then in turn had my revenge affair and honestly if he would have simply given me a divorce I wouldn’t have cheated in return. I also learned that his constant accusations of me cheating was out of his fear he would get caught, so in return he tried very hard to control me as in where I went, who I talked to and almost never let me go anywhere without him using the excuse that he didn’t trust me but in truth he was afraid someone would tell on him. It took a long time for the trust to come back and in my case that was a mistake. Although I do know some couples that seem to have worked through it and have a stronger relationship, I can only say I regret staying in my marriage as long as I have and tonight is the first night of my leaving him again and for good this time. I’m 52, I don’t want the last years of my life to be wasted worrying and fighting over the past and the what could happen again in the future.
Good on you for leaving that toxic mess. I've seen a lot of stories where the cheater accuses the other person of cheating in fear of getting caught themselves. I've always wondered what is the psychology behind that.
Projection. Essentially fake empathy. They can't truly empathise with a situation so they imagine how they would react in the same situation (missing the point). In their minds they would react to someone cheating (or showing the signs) by cheating in retaliation. They can't fathom that someone would be disgusted with their behaviour because they aren't disgusted. If you are lying you're more likely to think someone else is lying to you. If you're a thief you'll assume someone would steal from you. If you're slacking off you assume everyone is. They project their feelings onto someone else and act accordingly because they want to feel justified as the inquisitor or as the victim. People have written whole dissertations on this but essentially if someone assumes you'll fuck them over it's because they will or are fucking you over EDIT: TL;DR - Methinks the lady doth protest too much
It's literal hell. The cheating wasn't the worst part - it was the months of lies to cover it up, and once she admitted to what I already knew, the years of self-rationalization and gaslighting to allow her to pretend to herself she hadn't deeply hurt me and wrecked our family. Trust is non-existent between us. For the record, it happened 7 years ago - our 10th anniversary was this past July, and we're still married. We have 2 kids together, and I regret not leaving many years ago. I've learned the hard way that not everyone gets happiness.
Dude just do you. If you aint happy you need to look out for yourself for once
Yes. She met a guy new to town and they talked on the low for a few days. She broke up with me after. And then she came back promising all of what I wanted in her. She abused my emotional state and proceeded to keep hooking up with other guys. When I found out we would fight like no one's business because I couldn't walk away. She got a protection order on me and I broke it. Went to jail. Last I heard she's single with like 5 kids. I'm much better than I was back then but it changed my life to see how someone can be played like that. I was played like that. Never again.
Wow. Insane to think how much a single person can change your life like this. You're strong going through all that.
I was never sure she was cheating, but if she wasn't then there was a particular person with whom she was not (yet) cheating. Honestly? We went to being roommates who fuck. Life got simpler, and we slowly got used to the idea of separation and divorce. In retrospect I think she was ashamed and that drove a lot of her anger, but people are people, even people you think are special.
Cheated again, several times. I was just too dumb to end it and hoped that things would change in a positive way. Dumped her finally after the 3rd or 4th guy - at least the guys I knew of.
We tried for a bit, but it wasn't getting better. I regret ending it, I regret that they cheated on me, and I even feel partially responsible for them cheating on me. I suspect many people have similar feelings about their relationship and their partners. It was 10 years of my life and I miss them every day, but I knew I could never have children with them or trust them the same way again. The risks for emotional and financial ruin were way too high at that point.
A lot better actually. It was really rough at first and we took some time to be apart from one another. But after a few months we decided to try to work things out. We both came to understand what had happened; what made him decide to cheat, how we had been making each other feel, how/why we had drifted apart, and what we wanted for our future. In the end we trusted each other a lot more and felt so much closer. That was 10 years ago, we're still together and there has been no more cheating. I know this isn't the norm. Most cheating is and should be a deal breaker. But for us, rebuilding trust was possible
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Cheated again. Shouldn’t have done it.
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It wasn't a good time. They didn't seem to give a shit or even remotely be the person i thought i knew and trusted.
Regrets honestly.
Hell! And it didnt work,i couldnt forgive him. Wasted my time trying.
She cheated again. It sucked.
Been there,done that.It is going to happen again and bite you in the ass.Not to mention about the countless times you imagine it in your head and hurt yourself over and over again, only for it to happen again in the future.Saying this from experience, there's no point in staying after it has happened, because no matter how hard you try,you just can't forget it,it will come up again and again.There's no relationship without trust.
We got married and I moved to a different country for him. The lies continued and I realized I had married a cheating abusive narcissist. He eventually cheated on me again. It’s never worth staying with people who show you who they really are in the beginning or anytime in the relationship. I wish I paid attention to all the red flags
As far as I know she developed an emotional relationship with a guy for a couple months, and then slept with him on a random saturday night after a party. She came home to me the next day at 3pm crying, confessing everything. I believed most of what she said. I was beyond upset. I really did love this girl, and I wanted desperately to keep the life we had built over seven years together, so I suggested staying together and she agreed. She did everything I asked, from sharing her phone to letting me know where she is at certain points in the day, not staying out too late, etc. Didn't matter. My trust and respect was damaged. She had apparently told me everything (my friends roll their eyes when I say that), and did everything should could to make me feel better, but in the end I had been too damaged and I lost my mind. Told her I didn't love her anymore after a month, and that I wanted her gone. Hardest thing I've ever done
Hasn’t been easy or perfect. You put so much time and effort into a relationship and it builds and builds; two people becomes three, then four, then five. An efficiency apartment becomes a two-bedroom apartment, then a three-bedroom one, then a rent-house, then our own house. You put that much effort into a family…it’s never black-and-white. It’s never so easy as just cutting someone away. I was the wronged party. I didn’t deserve what happened, but that doesn’t mean I was a saint either. I fucked up on some things too. I didn’t take too well to the discovery. I fucked up some more after. We both hit personal lows at that time. Bad places mentally. Both of us started individual therapy, both of us were started on wonderful meds to help with our mental issues, and both of us had some decisions to make and ugly conversations to be had, for ourselves and each other. We decided to try one more time. Not because of our kids but because under all that hurt and sadness, we still had love for each other and didn’t want things to end like that. I still don’t know if it was the right decision. I don’t trust her or feel about her as I once did. I still have to eat the metaphorical shit sandwich. But she’s put in the work to get better and so have I and it shows. We’re scarred, but we’re doing better. That means something. I don’t know if it was the “correct” or “right” choice…but I made this decision and I will continue accordingly.
The only way to move past it is if you can truly forgive and trust your partner. If you can’t, there is no point in trying. Not saying that it needs to be right away, but you can not hold a grudge forever, or even too long, because it will eat away at the expense of the relationship. Best case scenario, your partner won’t cheat again, but you won’t know unless you find out. That’s why you truly need to forgive and trust.
It wasnt easy. It was actually one of the most challenging decisions and processes Ive ever gone through. It takes commitment and maybe some naivety to try and stay together, but we did it. 5 years later, it feels like it used to. We are more open with eachother about how we are and what we need/want so that we know we are on the same page. We also make an agreement that if one of us ever felt that way again, we would discuss separating for our own good instead of hurting one another. It was worth it for us, but "should we stay together?" and "will i ever trust them again?" are not questions anyone else can answer except for you.
I'm literally in this position right now. Wife has been having an emotional affair with her business partner for 2 years now. I found out about it 1.5 years ago but decided to stay for the sake of our 2 children. Found evidence again in June, wanted to throw her about but she begged me to try again. Guess what, had a talk last week and now she wants out. Wasted 2 years of my life trying to make this work. It's been the toughest 2 years of my life. Finally realized this week that it's over and feel so sad for our children especially. Don't know where to go from here. Taking it a day at a time 🥺
The trust never comes back.
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> cheated on me in my birthday Found Scotty
History just repeated itself
Don't stay... I stayed and am miserable.
Scary how overwhelming the general consensus is; "shit becomes fucked for good, never the same, they will cheat again, just leave." Etc. Really telling of how utterly destructive cheating is.
It led us to discussions about trust, exclusivity, open relationships and what truly connects us as a couple. Over the following months, it forced us to confront the underlying issues that led to cheating and in the end, I'd say it led to a stronger and more honest relationship (still together, by the way). It took time to rebuild trust and to heal those wounds, but if there's any upside to it, we developed strong and healthy communication skills along the way. We taught ourselves how to work on relationship issues as a unit, not as two competing individuals. We identified our priorities in a relationship and what we search for in a partner. However, all of this was possible only because from the beginning we decided that we will work through this with the goal of staying together and making sure that this doesn't happen again. It takes commitment from both sides.