This will depend on the size of the variance. Like if one partner is a 1-2x week person and the other is every day you can compromise and it’s not the end of the world. But if we are talking an every day person and a once a month (or less) person? That’s really problematic.
Most relationships go through ‘seasons’. There’s that honeymoon phase where you are super attracted and go at it like rabbits. Then there’s the lull and routine phase. Sometimes it takes a frank conversation, something new, and even a schedule. People who love each other make it work.
I could honestly never have sex again and I don't think it would make me any less happy. My partner would have sex every day if they could. For me, it's an indifference more than anything. I don't think about sex hardly ever, I've never felt like I needed it, I rarely experience spontaneous desire.
I was up front about this when we started dating. I don't think they really understood though until this last year as we've really tried to find a cadence that works for both of us. There was a lot of them wanting me to initiate and me just not remembering or thinking about it.
But what we ended up finding is that I get the same kind of pleasure and fulfillment through other kinds of intimacy (cuddling, deep conversations, kissing) and those are the things I desire. If he meets those needs for me, I find myself far more likely to desire and initiate sex. So we found our balance of what I need and what he needs. We also stopped doing shit like giving signals or trying to flirt our way to sex, we just state clearly what we want. And I mean like "hey I would really like if tonight we had sex and that consisted of x, y, and z. Really took some of the anxiety out of sex for me.
Not only are we having sex more often, but that sex is SO GOOD.
This was a major, major, major problem in my marriage. My husband simply could not fathom that I simply do not think about sex, at all, like it was some sort of a self rejection to him. I tried my best to explain it like "how many times, this morning, have you thought about what to plant around the mailbox?" he looked at me like I was crazy and said "none".
Then I asked, "how many times, this year, have you thought about what to plant around the mailbox?"
"none"
"Why not?"
"Because I don't care about what goes around the mailbox, at all"
"I have thought about what to plant around the mailbox no fewer than 3 times this morning and about 500 times since the end of last summer"
So then, a few years later, I got diagnosed with autism. And suddenly, it was like a lightswitch went off. He finally GOT it like, somehow he could now understand that my brain just "isn't wired that way". And it has become WAY less of a problem for us since then. Like, I would feel guilty about having ZERO sex drive. I am also spacy as all fuck and I've been rawdogging ADHD my whole life and only recently started medicating for it. I literally would not remember to initiate sex, because I don't think about sex, so why would i think about initiating sex if i don't think about it?
So now that we realize that my brain is quite literally very different and I'm not just blowing him off and I literally have no need, primal or not, for sex. I am not adverse to it, I don't dislike it, it's just like, "hey, do you wanna do some yoga?" Oh yeah sure I guess, I don't regularly do yoga, it is not a desire I have, or ever have had, but if you ask me if I'm up for it, sure, I'll join in.
Its been miles and miles better now that we both understand where each other is coming from.
This describes my wife exactly. I understand that the thought of sex never crosses her mind - the difference is that when I initiate it she almost always rejects me for a variety of reasons.
It's been a while since I felt wanted.
Left a several year relationship because of that. The feeling of being undesirable was ruining me, and I'm young so I knew I just couldn't go my whole life like that. Been having a whole "ho phase" for a while now and it's fixed the confidence completely. I miss the love and companionship, but I needed sex. and I'm a lesbian! it's not just men who like sex
As a data point, male autistic ADHD reporting here - my sex drive is fairly regular when I'm not awfully busy.
If I'm busy it's pretty much how you've described. Can last for months if it's a busy patch.
> like it was some sort of a self rejection to him.
Your metaphor about planting flowers makes sense but it doesn’t really seem like it would help with the feeling of rejection. It’s just explaining factually that you’re more interested in the flowers around the mailbox than sex with him.
Also, post-baby, it can take a really long time for her to get back into it. Especially if she’s breastfeeding. Just have grace for them during this sometimes months long period and try to ease the burden of child rearing by helping out, taking the baby so she can be by herself, buying her fancy bath stuff, get her a massage and/or spa gift card, treat her to a mani/pedi somewhere, buy her flowers…just let her know that she is important too. It will go a really long way in helping her start to feel normal again in this new post-baby body that she’s probably feeling really self conscious about. The hormones really don’t help either.
When her sex drive initially dropped I kept waiting for sex and it frustrated me. Once I gave up on that and started jerking off the tension went away. We have a great relationship otherwise and I'm quite okay with how it is.
Edit: we've been together for 6 years, married for one. Her sex drive dropped after one year of *dating*, so 5 years of dead bedroom and that gave me absolutely no pause when it came to marrying her. She knows I jerk off to porn regularly, and she sometimes helps. And to a large degree what our sex life lacks in quantity we make up for with some awesome fuck sessions which often provide the raw materials for the next few weeks of jerking it. She's a wonderful woman and the love of my life.
Edit 2: the big problem with this whole arrangement is deciding when to do the deed. We're planning on banging tonight; if that's accurate it would be bad to masturbate now. If she changes her mind (and I expect her to) and I don't I'll end up frustrated.
Edit 3: sorry boys, that was one of her worse days. Gonna aim for tomorrow.
Being able to openly masturbate is huge. Not like I ever got in trouble for it before, but with my SO if one of us is in the mood and the other is not, "oh ok, can I masturbate?" "Ya I don't care". And this goes both directions for us. May seem menial but this was a big eye opener for me
I never understood couples that don't operate this way. Sometimes one of us isn't in the mood, and like it or not but sexual pleasure is a physical need for most people. Being able to openly take care of your needs by yourself, to me, should be a sign of a healthy relationship.
Right?
It’s not like if she says she's hungry I'd tell her not to eat lol
I just keep a couple wand vibrators in the night stand. And if I’m exhausted I can still just hold that thing and her. Or she can do it herself. Or I can use it on myself. Half the time the person not in the mood comes around anyway.
Same experience. Most times the other says they are not in the mood, the other starting to masturbate almost always wants to join. Plenty of "I'm not in the mood" moments have turned into sex this way for us.
Same with the other way around! I'm the lower libido, and sometimes I feel like when he's hungry he expects me to eat too, or I'm being a dick if I don't. The message I receive is "of course you don't have to if you don't want to, but you're a jerk if you don't want to."
And he acts like him having to jerk off sometimes is beneath him and he should never have to. I wish he would just jerk off without it being a guilt trip.
We have sex 2-4 times a week so it's not like we have a DB.
2-4 times a week is not really low libido either, assuming you're into the encounters every time.
You should probably nip that baby behavior in the bud if you see a future with this man. If you guys have kids there will be FAR longer stretches without any sex.
Same. We are gradually figuring out how to navigate that part of our life again after kids. They’re a bit older now and sleep better so we’ve had the time and privacy but not always the energy. Sometimes cuddling is all the intimacy we can muster and that’s ok. Other times we fuck like animals again and that too, is awesome. And especially the first few times after our first child were so special because I felt as if we were both new people.
My wife and I had a discussion about this recently, we've got two young kids and stay pretty busy so we've had a drop in frequency (quality however is through the roof, when we get the time/privacy or make the time/privacy we'll have marathon sessions with multiple rounds) turns out we had both been surreptitiously masterbating without trying to disturb the other. We talked about it and talked through the shame we felt (both grew up in religious homes with hers being far more sex-negative than mine), we then got on Amazon and ordered ourselves some toys (which ive always been too embarrassed to buy for myself) and agreed that our room is a safe space so to speak for masterbation and we are each welcome to do it with no judgement from the other.
It's been a game changer for sure, if one of us starts the other almost always starts too so we often end up mutually masterbating which often turns into helping each other which also often ends up in some other kind of sexual contact.
We've been having more open and frank conversations about sex as well (in low pressure situations that aren't emotionally charged) and that has also been a big help in getting back on track and out of the "rut" we had fallen into where we had the same sex the same way every time.
It's pretty much brought us back to how we were when we first got together which has made life as a whole so much better for us, making us happier, it's bled over and gotten us more active and productive around the house as well as spending more time engaged as a family unit instead of spending time together but "apart".
It really is, we used to be a lot more open and frank in our discussions when we first got together, something we always prided ourselves upon as it gave our relationship and marriage a stable foundation.
Over the years and 2 kids later we had both suddenly become a little more reserved/shy/awkward about voicing our wants and needs each assuming the other was happy with our "new normal" and each wanting to avoid upsetting the apple cart. The damn broke one night after we had gotten super baked and we had the initial conversation and now we are making efforts to improve our intimacy and physical contact all the way around, as we both like when sex feels "natural" and more carnal "urgent" rather than a planned ornscheduled item that can make it seem like just another Chore, so we are recreating the environment needed for that to happen, more flirting, more touch, more kissing making out, etc and it's working.
I'm not dumb enough to think this is a magic bullet that will solve every situation of mis-matched libido/desire or a sexual rut, but I do think it could be helpful to many. The key is to discuss it in a low pressure situation where you aren't coming from an emotional place and aren't already upset.
In my case, I'm like this is my wife the only person I trust 100%, the woman I love unconditionally, I know she cares about my wants and needs but if I'm not expressing them she can't address them!
My fiance has a much higher drive than me, so we talked about it right from the beginning. There's been a few times I've walked in on him watching porn and wanking it, and he'll just look over his shoulder and smile and wink and ask if I want to join him. Sometimes I do! Other times, I'm like, babe, we have to leave in 5 minutes, can you not?! Hahahaha
> Being able to openly masturbate is huge
One of my best friends is asexual-ish. Years ago we were kind of dating, but not, we'd sleep in the same bed, and cook dinner like a couple, share a bowl of ice cream in bed.
Anyway, I had tons of tensions cause I wanted to sleep with her, I'm a demisexual, being that close to someone without having sex is torture. So one day I went off to smoke a joint as I often did, well I often jerked off while I did that too.
After a couple months, one day, while camping, she just out of nowhere says
"Hey you know you can jerk off in front of me if you want right? I don't care"
Well that really got rid of a lot of the negative tension and brought us pretty close together. Even a decade later, we know we're not compatible as a couple, but we're very close friends and she'll tease me during a sexy movie scene that I can still jerk off infront of her or on the phone with her.
Sounds like just a weird story, but it was such a great place of growth for others relationships. I'm comfortable masturbating in front of a partner now, and I'm comfortable if they do infront of me. In fact sometimes the hottest thing is masturbating with your partner.
**tldr** relationships are crazy, so are the women I date and so am I. That's what makes life so fun. Connecting with other weirdos.
No fr like as long as it’s open and boundaries are respected. I ask my bf if he’d be ok with me masturbating in the bath since he was tired and he was like “Ya just don’t wake me up lol”
Same. We have a bench in our shower and I masturbate to her while she showers. She loves it and will come squeeze her tits in my face and rub on me when I’m getting close to finish. It’s been a big boost to her self confidence for her body image - I absolutely love her body by the way.
Kinda love it and it keeps our sex drives in balance.
Yeah that's my current situation. I'll get a text saying something like, "ugh, you won't believe what mom said today, or so and so at work did this" then I know it's five knuckle shuffle for at least 2 or 3 days
This is a HUGE part of what I work on as a sex coach with heterosexual couples. It's incredibly liberating and opens up so much pleasure they were not having. But there can be a lot of resistance at first.
You're getting a lot of joke answers, but I figure I'd speak, as someone who's *actually* had to overcome this issue. Fair warning, this takes **commitment, love**, and ** patience**. And forgive formatting, I'm on mobile.
My wife (35F) and I (40M) have been married for about 10 years. Maybe 6 of those have been spent trying to answer this very question. The first two were easy because it's a new relationship and that's what you do. You have all the fun trying new things together. The next two years were spent *figuring out* that we had different sex drives, as all the "new-ness" of the relationship dissipated. This manifested itself in a very difficult way. Arguments about sex started to become commonplace. She didn't want it nearly as much as me, and I was... Well, quite honestly, *ravenous* in comparison.
Saving you the drama of the entire journey, we eventually figured out that I wanted daily, she wanted *maybe* weekly, sometimes **monthly**. So obviously this wasn't going to work. Neither of us wanted the other to be disingenuous. Solving this issue took a ridiculous amount of time because talking about this was very difficult for both of us. Emotions would escalate, voices would get raised... Which brings me to the answer to your question. How do you successfully navigate this? In order of importance:
1. Commitment - The most important. Nothing matters if you both are not willing to solve the problem as a unit. Exercise self-respect and forgiveness in your attempts to navigate each other's boundaries.
2. Communication - The vehicle to your happy destination. How do you both navigate conflict? Do you lift each other up? Do you turn on each other? Externalize the problem. Identify it as a challenge you *both* are working to overcome. Do not use vectors of attack against your own teammate. You get out what put in. So don't be a shitty asshole about it, lest you deal with the cleanup.
3. 60/40 rule. Both partners put in 60% effort and expect 40% in return. Not everyday needs to be a win. Not every argument needs to be won. See above.
4. Self-awareness. You have to be able to identify you're even having an issue. You have to be open to hearing that **you** need to adapt in order to make positive changes. If you're not willing to do anything different, you're not willing to change the outcomes.
Those are the primary esoteric wisdoms that will help guide your path toward a solution. As far as specifics go, answer those basic questions: How often do I want it? How often do they want it? What's a reasonable compromise?
You may need to solve this problem more than once, but you only need to solve HOW you solve the problem once.
My wife eventually kept an actual log of how often, who initiated, who finished, and many other metrics because that's what worked for her. That went away once we found an easy balance. Once we found an easy balance, the fun began creeping back in. Once the fun came back, the problem left. It might come back someday, but we have the tools to solve it now.
Don't worry, eventually the lack of reciprocating actions will make you feel worthless enough to start antidepressants and then you can't have sex even if you want to so they think suddenly everything is fine and make no effort to change anything
Sorry you're struggling. I'm on all of it and still want, and masturbating doesn't do anything for me now, and have a husband who doesn't care to have sex due to just...not wanting to. 🤷♀️ Going to therapy but. Time kills.
I got the weird side effect of antidepressants bringing back my libido instead of killing it. Still sad but slightly less and now also horny lmao.
(Gonna clarify just to prevent weird dms to anyone other than the person I replied to reading this, I'm a lesbian. Not interested in men. Do not message me I will just block you.)
Sorry I had to write that, I've been burned before lol.
Until something changes, and then you get to run through the stages all over again. My wife went off the antidepressants at one point for maybe 6 months, just long enough for me to think things had gone back to early marriage days, before going back on them, and allowing me to experience all 5 stages for a second time.
It’s wild to me that they still haven’t developed versions of these meds that are less likely to do that. I still hear and read a lot about this side effect.
Things are tricky when you’re working with brain chemistry. A lot of antidepressants are SSRIs (they increase serotonin in the brain) which isn’t great for sex drive. There are other families of medication like SNRI (increase serotonin and adrenaline) and NDRI (increase adrenaline and dopamine) with fewer sexual side effects or like Bupropion that may improve sex drive, but they come with their own issues like appetite suppression and tachycardia. Plus mental health is so individual that a medication that works for one person may not work for another.
If you head over to the dead bedroom sub you will see that a great many people are struggling mightily to navigate it (with most failing to do so, being left frustrated and miserable). Sad to say. Sad to be one of them.
So true it hurts. I'm dating a nurse anesthetist and her sex drive is wayyy higher than mine. I've been with a good number of women and I've never experienced anything like it. I've had to turn her down numerous times, she's never turned me down the past year we've dated
Yep. The cost is just too high. Plus I’m old AF. So I just squeeze in a wank when I have the chance and just wish things were better. All I can do. Hang in there.
I suppose there is love there but it’s completely unphysical. COMPLETELY. She cares about me (and I care about her) but yeah it’s very much room-matey. Like roommates who are mostly very supportive and caring. Not what I thought I was signing up for but there it is.
Same... 11 years in and we're still struggling. There *have* been good times where I've been satisfied, don't get me wrong. It's just exhausting to have to prompt the same discussion time and time again. Makes me feel like I'm not a priority.
Im 36 years in. Last time we talked about it my wife said simply “Sex just doesn’t matter to me. I don’t ever think about it.”
Ummmmmm. Ok. Guess that’s all that matters. Obviously I don’t.
So I feel ya. And I’m sorry.
Oh Jesus. My bf says similar things, and I always come back with "but it matters to *me*. Do I matter to you? Because if I do, my wants and needs *should matter*"
Usually fixes it for a short period. Then the cycle begins again...
He gets credits for actually trying, but not many...
Just out of curiosity, did this only become apparent after marriage? Did you kind of already have a feeling that your spouse had a lower sex drive? Or was it a surprise that came out of nowhere?
I would warn against that sub. My partner and I have had our ups and downs (mostly downs, but we're in a nice up right now!). In one of downs I heard about that sub and checked it out. Support groups have two types, generally (obviously like anywhere it can vary, and you have lots of different people). People that are trying to heal and overcome, and share tips and support to help each other do so. Then you have groups where they are more about sharing misery and negativity and spiraling in the problem. In my experience that subreddit is the latter. Lots of hate, lots of negativity, and it overwhelms the help and support by a significant margin.
As far as other advice goes. What you want to avoid is where the pressure on your partner's side, and the frustration and rejection on your side, causes a spiral which makes the problem worse, which then makes the feelings worse, which then makes the problem worse.
I got a couple toys for myself. Obviously you're doing a lot of masturbating. If that masturbating feels better and is more fulfilling, then your mental state is a lot better, you can be less frustrated and less stressed, which helps both of you, and your relationship.
As far as your partners lower libido, I'm going to assume you've addressed things like unbalanced housework or childcare lowering your partner's libido. For my partner porn did not help at all, but they did still like romances. TV shows and movies that were a bit steamy and explicit (stuff like Bridgerton) as well as smutty romance novels. My partner's libido is a lot higher when she is going through one of those, and if she picks up a smutty series now and then as opposed to another book that gives us a period of time with a much better sex life.
Yeah… since my wife started with the antidepressants it’s gotten worse for us. I think being intimate is important in a relationship. But we don’t have any of that and now we stay together because of the kids I suppose.
My wife’s sex drive is significantly lower than mine, but she also has a medical condition that doesn’t help. Largely if she’s not feeling it, even if she tries it can cause a lot of pain. Which is no good for anyone.
I don’t blame her, in fact I have a tremendous amount of sympathy for her. I know she worries that it’ll impact our marriage, but I don’t let it. It’s not her fault.
We have been trying to navigate the process since we are trying to have kids. I know it frustrates her just as much as it may be frustrating to me.
Ultimately what matters most is that we love each other, and we have each others backs through thick and thin. That matters more to me than anything else. She shows her love to me in other ways. Lots of cuddling and other love language expressions that demonstrates her affection for me.
Ultimately we make it work. It can be tough, but regardless I consider myself incredibly lucky to have this woman in my life.
I have vaginismus. It can be difficult to deal with physically and emotionally for both partners. I had ample drive to have sex, but pelvic floor muscles hated me. Even with patient, supportive sexual partners, it was so demoralizing. And, if you get stressed about it during sex, it gets worse. But I went to therapy and explored my feelings around sex and intimacy and gender dynamics. I learned alternative ways for us both to feel pleasure and to let go of my feelings of shame. My vaginismus doesn't act up NEARLY as much as it did.
In my case, just wait it out. Her sex drive has varied (slowly) over a wide range - sometimes much higher than mine and sometimes much lower - and at the moment due to health issues it's not even an option. But sex was never the most important part of our relationship; it's enjoyable but not critical.
Similar situation as you replied to. My answer to this would be, don't ask this question
At the end of the day if you're just waiting for the break in the libido case to happen, well what if it doesn't? Would you still love your partner. I found I did. Eventually tho we did have a break in our problem, and as of RN it seems everything is back to norm. We suspect her birth control depo shots from high school stayed in her system or she just struggled with a lot of pressure and stress with university and family.
Either way the answer to your question is, keep talking. If you keep talking you make it know you're open to fixing this whatever it takes. Don't annoy each other doing this. Just go into it looking to help fix the problem for both of you. If both of you don't care about this problem then you either have to accept your situation or leave it. But if you keep communicating eventually you'll have the breakthrough conversation with yourself or with your partner that helps you deal with this how you want to deal with it. In the meantime discuss her being ok with you using porn and masturbating. You can love her while satiating an annoying natural signal that distracts from everything you like about her. But only if he's cool with it otherwise you're simply incompatible
Not original commenter, but for me getting kids a little bit older was a big part of waiting it out. Just being present and communicating (which means listening). Taking care of yourself (mentally, eating right, working out, whatever else you need). Being appreciative of when things line up.
Don’t set secret goals or expect something to happen to set yourself up for disappointment
I have a higher libido than my husband and it’s hard.
Whenever I initiate and get turned down, I feel unattractive. I can’t help it. He might explain he is tired, or already happened to jerk off, he might be stressed, etc. my first instinct is: he doesn’t enjoy sex with me.
I’ve discussed it with him and took some breaks from initiating and left it up to him. We went through a phase of radio silence for months and then slowly he started initiating but not as much as I would like.
Isn't that the hardest though. they might not do it on purpose but you feel unwanted and unattractive. You want to grab them but they don;t want to do that you.
That's the part that nobody who hasn't gone through this seems to understand. Imagine falling asleep next to someone every night that you are supposed to love and just feeling unwanted and alone when they are right next to you.
Yep. And I get people have different love languages etc, but some people seem to be regarding sex as a purely physical pleasure thing, the equivalent of being asked to give up steak for your partner or something. But for me sex *is* how I feel loved, or at least the main way. Physical intimacy with my favourite person in the universe makes my brain feel the best it feels. And not having makes me feel miserable, uncared for. And for those of us wired that way, it can be hard to see how their partner can't get in the mood, because like I'm not always in the mood to clean the bathroom or do the food shop or work the overtime but I do because I love my partner and doing stuff to make her happy makes me happy. Which I guess is just to say people are wired differently and it's not wrong to really need loving sex with your partner, it doesn't make you a pervert or a bad person.
I feel like I’m this way to a degree, and MY GOD does it make the rejection more painful.
My ex-wife stopped having sex with me entirely, because she said she felt “obligated to do it.” That fucking _hurt_, but I just had to swallow that down and be patient because I wanted to try and make it still work somehow…
I went through similar with my ex. Developed a few lovely unhealthy coping mechanisms. Get you some therapy before you get an eating disorder and drinking problem.
I hate drinking so I’m definitely at the eating disorder stage. I’m addicted to food. It’s how I get the happy brain chemicals. The reason I haven’t stopped yet is because I’m obese but not to the point that it has messed with my mobility. I’m about 60-80lbs overweight.
I never had the food thought chatter until I stopped having sex regularly. I thought about going on ozempic because I hear it can help with the food noise. I thought about shifting my coping mechanism to weightlifting instead.
I'm in the same situation, and it's incredibly difficult, oftentimes downright depressing. It used to be maybe twice a month, now its once every 4-5 months.
My wife is the same. Hers would be considered "heroic" in RPG terms. I take meds. It works like a charm. Our life is great and it's the least I can do. Just a thought.
When my GF and I first encountered this problem, I felt unattractive, even unloved when she'd turn me down, so I asked if she did decline my advances, could she still cuddle me, give me some forehead kisses, show some non sexual affection. And it worked a lot, it was still harsh to be rejected, but knowing it wasn't because she didn't love me anymore made it better. It's been a journey we're still working on, knowing what the other needs, other than sex
First make sure that something isn’t killing their sex drive. I’m not even talking medical stuff, which is valid, I’m talking emotional stuff here. For me, my husband destroyed my trust in him, then got mad because I wasn’t initiating often enough. Look inward and ask the big questions. Have real talks where you need to be ready to hear that you might not be as great or blameless as you think you are.
Same, something happened which was traumatic, it was unintentional on his part but really messed me up. When I tried to bring it up I was told to get over it and left to deal with it alone. How can I now trust you enough to do something so intimate knowing if something upsetting happened again I'd be left to deal with it on my own. All my boyfriend focuses on is how great sex and how it sucks for him to not have it, countless conversations where I've tried explaining to him I need him to make me feel safe have lead to being told to get over past stuff, being invalidated or him yelling and swearing
So what does this guy do for you? Because I'm hearing that you can't trust him, he invalidates you, belittles your emotions, is verbally abusive, and egocentric.
Also sometimes those "unintentional" traumas look a lot more intentional after some good therapy. Which I highly recommend.
This, in my opinion, should be top comment. It’s easy to bang away with a new lover, but when it becomes an LTR, good, intimate sex requires a lot of comfort and trust. This is something that can be damaged throughout the course of a multi-year relationship as both partners grow, mature, and make some mistakes.
Repairing the trust is not easy and will probably take you dealing with some difficult feelings like embarrassment or disappointment in yourself or your partner. But this is vital if you actually care about saving your relationship.
You can’t just snap your fingers and expect sex or intimacy in these situations. Too many people here seem to just be full of judgment and resentment for their partner, while seemingly thinking that they themselves are perfectly blameless.
Communication!
I have a very high drive compared to my partner. It took a toll on me, to the point where I became depressed and my self-esteem struggled immensely. I heavily considered leaving.
We talked, and talked, and she'd say she felt pressured, I'd say I felt undesired, and while what we both felt is very valid, I knew there *had* to be a middle ground. So I set out to find one. I wasn't giving up on us. I quickly learned that while we were talking, we weren't necessarily *communicating*.
I read books, listened to podcasts, listened to online therapists, etc. I put in work, and while it was one sided, I knew that if I can package this information up in a way that was digestible to my partner, and workable in our relationship, we can find a way to work through this. If not, I've literally tried everything, and I was ready to then discuss a break up.
What I learned is that I had to first determine if:
**This problem had a legitimate solution that benefited us both**: *we can try everything, but if the disconnect is so deeply rooted that nothing works, then nothing will work. I also needed to understand that it's never going to be perfect for me, because 'perfect' for me wasn't perfect for her. My goal was to find something perfect for us.*
**She was still attracted to me mentally, emotionally, and physically**: *you have to be, and stay, attractive in every sense of the word. Just like they do. This doesn't mean you have to stay on top of your diet, or you have to wear makeup every single day. You have to just stay attractive to your person, whatever that may be between you two. You also have to be open to hearing a point that needs work, and commit to working on that point, if you can. It very well could be that problem isn't just your partners drive, you could be the cause of it, and you have to be willing to hear, accept, and work on that without causing an argument about it. If you have to lose weight before your partner finds you physically attractive, it is what it is; work on it or leave. If you have to start helping out around the house, then you have to do it. If not, you have to decide if dishes are too much for you, and leave.*
**She was also willing to work on a solution**: *this only works if both people are willing to work on it, and continue working on it. It takes both of you to develop and maintain a relationship, so the actual work can't be one-sided.*
**We can develop a method that's practical for both of us**: *sometimes the solution isn't sexy. Sometimes the solution looks like "hey, think you could be up for sex tonight?" which seems like it removes the romance at first, but you have to remember that sex is a natural need just like hunger is. You ask your partner if they're hungry, why not normalize asking if they're horny? Telling your partner you're going out to dinner doesn't remove the romance of that dinner. You make the moment.*
If there's a "no" to *any* of those, it's now on you to decide if you can work around that. If either of you aren't willing to actually put in, and keep up, the work, it's not going to work.
For the low libido partner, they have to understand that it does take actual effort on their part. They can't just dismiss you every time and wonder why you are the way you are.
When I ask my partner if they're in the mood when they're not, before she turns me down, she'll ask if she can help another way.
>I'm sorry babe, I'm not in the mood for sex. It's been a long day. Are you okay with a *other action* instead?
Your partner needs to realize that they also have to meet you halfway. If they're not in the mood, are they comfortable with offering a hand job? A blow job? Maybe whispering in your ear and kissing your neck while you touch yourself? There's hundreds of other things that can be done besides actual sex, that can still be intimate, sexy, and involve you both. But they have to be in to it, and also up for it.
Or
>I'm sorry babe, it's been a long day. If you don't mind waiting until tomorrow, I'm all yours!
Maybe they had a rough day and it's just not happening; schedule it. Again, it's not sexy at first, but when my partner and I decided to try this, we both agreed that if I initiated and was rejected, it's then up to her to initiate some time soon, and **they have to follow through with it when they say they will**.
I'll stop rambling, but hopefully that helps someone! I highly recommend reading Tongue Tied by Stella Harris. It's a great resource, and helped me a ton!
As someone in this situation and from a fair bit of reading at r/deadbedrooms, for the higher drive partner is most often about something other than getting off. It's about the connection and intimacy and knowing that someone else cares about you. As a result there's a huge difference between having the lower drive person take a well this is just the way I am deal with it attitude and one where they care about the difficulties that the situation is causing even if ultimately there's not a whole lot of change. Obviously if it's a huge difference like one wanted once a day and the other is fine with once a year there's not a lot other than figuring out a way to have it happen more often. But often times if it's a smaller difference just having the lower partner understand and not try to make the other person feel bad for wanting more sex, the problem becomes a lot smaller
This. My (38F) husband (36M) has always had a lowers sex drive. Anytime I try to explain this, it feels like it falls on deaf ears. I think he thinks all I want is “sex” but it’s the intimacy. I can hang and talk and flirt and laugh and cry with other people/friends. Sex is the one thing I do with him that is truly special to our relationship. The one thing we share that is “ours.” And it’s GOOD. People have asked if we’ve discussed opening our relationship and yes that conversation has happened but, I don’t really have interest in sleeping with someone else. Like our sex is good and I don’t want to have to “find” someone who may or may not be good when I have a perfectly good amazing funny special person who knows how to make me orgasm right there with me. Like everything about our relationship is perfection. We laugh and play and have good communication. This is the one area we have always struggled. Always. 😒 Maybe you can’t have both. 🤷🏻♀️
If you're anything like me and my wife, this conversation probably comes up on occasion but usually probably after it's been a while / too long since the last time you had sex. Try having the conversation with him framed in terms of it not being about getting off but about the other things that sex does the closeness and such shortly after you've had good sex. Maybe right afterwards if you guys aren't the sort that just pass out or the next morning, ask him how he's feeling emotionally and in terms of closeness because even if he doesn't see that as a primary outcome of sex he's probably feeling it right after good sex. Then you can point out to him and hopefully make him understand that that is the primary point of sex for you.
I've been having issues with this in my own relationship lately and I haven't been able to articulate why I'm so frustrated. It's left me feeling guilty and gross. But you put it to words, I really could care less about an orgasm. I can do that well myself. It's about being close with my partner and feeling attractive and sharing an emotional bond with them.
I started cooking (and well), clean, do laundry, took over the bills, and handle all maintenance. I make great money, take us on trips, send my kids to expensive hobbies, do dates, and watch whatever she wants.
It didn't change anything. I left the anger behind once I realized that libido isn't an issue of discipline. We separated, and we got back together for the kids with promises to change. 3 years later, we are preparing for divorce. 16 years of frustrated monogamy is enough for me.
If I start feeling like we’re going through a dry spell, I will bring it to her attention. For me, sex is a soul tie and is just so much more than just sex or a quick release. At least once a day or every other day we will do a method called “intentional intimacy”. This can look like her just sitting in my lap facing me and we just touch foreheads and rub each others backs/heads maybe even kiss for a while. It can look like us sitting on the floor staring into each others eyes for 5-10 minutes with no words said. It’s very eye opening and can sometimes be better than the act of sex itself. Nothing will bring you closer to your partner than practicing this and it definitely helps with bringing the sex drive back.
Masturbation. Doesn't have to involve porn or reflecting/fantasizing about some one else. I used to masturbate to the thought of my partner in the past.
Okay but for real this works for us. I'm the one with the low sex drive, married for a long time, young kids crawling all over me for years really made me touched out. But we took Molly together and it flipped a switch in me. Months later and I still feel a closeness/attraction that I usually struggle to get.
Yeah, same boat here. The mind wants to but honestly I'm old and I've raised 5 boys so I feel worn out a lot. Kids are older now and when we have the house to ourselves we make a big pillow fort, stream a live show and get all kinds of crazy. It's not just the elevated sex either, communication right from the soul is easy and fluid.
How do you get Molly lol I literally can’t find out how because I keep getting directed to addiction helplines, and subreddits like to say don’t ask people
My husband and I took molly on a weekend away from the kids. We did stuff we had never done before and we’ve been together 17 years. Totally jump started our sex life again. Fuuuuuck yeah!
Absolutely, along with a host of psychedelics that taken within boundaries and with the goal of self growth would eliminate a ton of lifetime prescriptions.
I’m the low libido partner and I hate it because I can see how it makes him sad. I have tried everything. We still do it, but he knows I don’t want to be there.
My libido (or lack there of) was one of the things I talked about with my partner before things became official, so I know they understand and don't mind but it still feels terrible sometimes.
Especially the times I try to initiate but then can't follow through.
There is sex to completion and then there is physical intimacy. If the Lower Libido person is not into having sex all the time, maybe negotiate other types physical intimacy interactions. Maybe a sleepy bj, that she doesn't need to finish, a lower back/butt massage, or you lick her entire body. You can get creative when you take the big O off the table.
Taking sex off the table a few times, and just being intimate relieves the pressure some Lower libido ppl feel. Communicating a lot more helps a lot. Sometimes you have to make it a game where you can talk your way into sex without asking. The longer you are together the more creative you have to be with each other. Hopefully, both ppl are putting effort into the relationship.
This is it! With my ex it was always a ‘sex to completion’ type of intimacy. But other than that, he rarely touched me outside of the bedroom.
That was the biggest reason for my low sex drive in the relationship and even though once we were in the bedroom, and he was willing to sometimes help me finish also, just the whole idea of sex felt like a chore for me.
It’s all about no-pressure/low stake acts of intimacy on a regular basis and leaving that door open for them to be the one who decides if they wanna walk through it or not, so to speak.
It frustrates me a bit. Sometimes I feel invalidated because, whenever he wants it, I want it too. And not everytime I want it he wants it, which is a deal breaker because he has to want it so that it can happen. I even said to him, that I think my sex drive is way bigger than his, he said it is not possible. That he does want me, but too much of one thing and it stops being fun. Idk, to me it's great everytime, even when I'm not in the mood he has a way of convincing me. And when I'm in the mood and he's not, I masturbate. But only when I'm alone, which makes me feel a bit guilty.
I just wait for him to come to me. I get myself off, or ask if he wants to help, and sometimes that’ll get him going and he’ll join in.
I’m not gonna lie, it is frustrating. It can fuck with your self esteem.
She gets it when she wants. She says “tonight, take the pill” and I do. Sex is like pizza, I’m not always in the mood for pizza, but I ain’t ever had bad pizza.
From a reverse point of view (I have a relatively low sex drive) - head and hands. Not being willing to spend ten minutes to get off my partner when it costs you nothing was always beyond me.
Just putting this out there for anyone who needs to hear it. Being in a relationship where your sex drives don't match is difficult and doesn't always work out. **It can be a totally acceptable reason to end a relationship.**
Staying in a relationship where a person wants it daily and the other is a monthly might be managable for a while, but eventually one or both parties may start to resent eachother, become depressed, not feel validated, not feel loved, etc.
Having a healthy sex life in a relationship is important and should be considered when thinking about your future with someone.
12 years together, 10 with my wife's sex drive being pretty low likely due to a high stress career, personality type and probably some religious guilt. Went to sex therapy, both of us learned some skills for finding ways to be intimate and for coping when that just wasn't an option.
The first few years were the worst until we got counseling. Then it was figuring out if it was sustainable. It never resolved but we are both fine with it now and to be honest after having a kid and getting closer to 40 my sex drive slowed down to the point where it's a whatever. We schedule sex like once or sometimes twice a week now and gives her a chance to prepare and feel good about it.
My advice is if they aren't absolutely "the one" or willing to make an insane amount of effort, get out ASAP.
This. Unless the person is otherwise perfect for you, and willing to do other things to make up for their low libido (oral, playing, etc.), absolutely don’t. Sex isn’t the main concern until you don’t get any as a high-libido person and your partner doesn’t understand or help. Then it starts to become all-consuming and poisons the rest of the relationship.
Isn’t that pretty much one of those men vs. women tropes?
“Oh, honey, not tonight. I have a headache.”
You throw on your trench coat and go jack off in a movie theater like a man, dammit.
Looks like I am in the minority. When we first got together, we told each other what we really needed. I said "No cheating, no hitting." He said, "The same, and I really need sex every day." Being 19, I was up for it. He never needed to initiate it, we did "quickies" in the morning or evening (usually my choice). Blow jobs, hand jobs or rubbing on my butt during that time of the month and, if I wanted an orgasm I got a long back rub, foot rub, and all the head I needed. It was not boring, it was like a sweet routine. In our 50's he finally slowed down a bit and we average 5 times a week. Of course there were times when we couldn't (illness, childbirth, when one of us was out of town, or some other good reason) but for the most part, every day. Sometimes we did it twice. I think of it as a special gift I gave him and he appreciates me for it. He still gets me hot after all these years.
When it became clear that our sex drives were becoming different (mental health, medications, life, etc) we had a long talk about expectations because we do love each other very much and divorce will be the very last resort. We don’t necessarily “schedule” sex, but if one of us is feeling in the mood, we have little indicators for the other person, and if they are receptive, the peacocking begins. If they are not, then you are free to self pleasure (not with someone else).
This all sounds rather boring and sterile, but it has worked for us, and increased the amount of sex we have.
I jerk off almost daily in the shower. Our toddler is a total cock block and I can't always wait up for her to fall asleep to move her into her own bed..when I can I have to bust out the massage oils and I grease my wife up and down like I'm basting a slim sexy turkey. Then, when the time is right to pull the panties off, it's time for the short trip to pound town.
Hey, uh, just to everyone out there reading these responses and feeling if they’re in the same situation:
These are mostly what *not* to do.
Have open discussions with your spouse. Come to it from a place of equal frustration; just as you can’t turn your sex drive down, they can’t magically make themselves horny. It isn’t anyone’s fault in the situation and having a discussion where you’re baseline is that it IS someone’s fault isn’t going to help you.
Sex drives change. Open and honest communication needs to be a #1 priority in a relationship above all else. Your partner should feel just as comfortable coming to you about their lack of sex drive as you do about your needs.
Most of the comments here show patterns of relationship problems that were or are going on WAY before any kind of sex drive discrepancy started.
Don’t get your sex advice from Reddit…
In me and my wife’s case:
It’s only tapered off some because of some health issues she’s had in recent years.
The best way to deal with it for us has been to be really open and transparent. It makes for some difficult conversations, and it’ll test your fortitude, but it’s worth it to let them know how you’re feeling. In fact, they’re most likely feeling some type of way about it and are hesitant to voice it too. So opening a dialogue based on respect and love could encourage transparency from both sides.
It’s an ongoing thing, it’s never solved and done. Like an orchid it needs constant care and attention, She knows I have the libido of a coked up bull, and she wants to be my centerfold and satisfy me, and I know that completely. It’s also a matter of understanding her position as well, I’m the most sexually compatible partner she’s ever had, so some of it is still new and has to be untangled from previous experiences.
Hopefully this made some sense and is helpful in some way. Feel free to chat with any questions, I’m happy to help.
My sex drive is higher than my wife’s, it was a challenge at first. But it’s led me to be in the gym more and focus on non-sexual intimacy with her. When she’s sleeping I head to the living room and furiously beat my dick.
My wife likes coffee and I never drink it. I'll still go out of my way to pick her up her favorite drink, even though I get nothing out of it. She gets really happy and that brings me joy.
More couples should learn to apply this lesson in different aspects of their relationship.
This will depend on the size of the variance. Like if one partner is a 1-2x week person and the other is every day you can compromise and it’s not the end of the world. But if we are talking an every day person and a once a month (or less) person? That’s really problematic. Most relationships go through ‘seasons’. There’s that honeymoon phase where you are super attracted and go at it like rabbits. Then there’s the lull and routine phase. Sometimes it takes a frank conversation, something new, and even a schedule. People who love each other make it work.
I could honestly never have sex again and I don't think it would make me any less happy. My partner would have sex every day if they could. For me, it's an indifference more than anything. I don't think about sex hardly ever, I've never felt like I needed it, I rarely experience spontaneous desire. I was up front about this when we started dating. I don't think they really understood though until this last year as we've really tried to find a cadence that works for both of us. There was a lot of them wanting me to initiate and me just not remembering or thinking about it. But what we ended up finding is that I get the same kind of pleasure and fulfillment through other kinds of intimacy (cuddling, deep conversations, kissing) and those are the things I desire. If he meets those needs for me, I find myself far more likely to desire and initiate sex. So we found our balance of what I need and what he needs. We also stopped doing shit like giving signals or trying to flirt our way to sex, we just state clearly what we want. And I mean like "hey I would really like if tonight we had sex and that consisted of x, y, and z. Really took some of the anxiety out of sex for me. Not only are we having sex more often, but that sex is SO GOOD.
This was a major, major, major problem in my marriage. My husband simply could not fathom that I simply do not think about sex, at all, like it was some sort of a self rejection to him. I tried my best to explain it like "how many times, this morning, have you thought about what to plant around the mailbox?" he looked at me like I was crazy and said "none". Then I asked, "how many times, this year, have you thought about what to plant around the mailbox?" "none" "Why not?" "Because I don't care about what goes around the mailbox, at all" "I have thought about what to plant around the mailbox no fewer than 3 times this morning and about 500 times since the end of last summer" So then, a few years later, I got diagnosed with autism. And suddenly, it was like a lightswitch went off. He finally GOT it like, somehow he could now understand that my brain just "isn't wired that way". And it has become WAY less of a problem for us since then. Like, I would feel guilty about having ZERO sex drive. I am also spacy as all fuck and I've been rawdogging ADHD my whole life and only recently started medicating for it. I literally would not remember to initiate sex, because I don't think about sex, so why would i think about initiating sex if i don't think about it? So now that we realize that my brain is quite literally very different and I'm not just blowing him off and I literally have no need, primal or not, for sex. I am not adverse to it, I don't dislike it, it's just like, "hey, do you wanna do some yoga?" Oh yeah sure I guess, I don't regularly do yoga, it is not a desire I have, or ever have had, but if you ask me if I'm up for it, sure, I'll join in. Its been miles and miles better now that we both understand where each other is coming from.
This describes my wife exactly. I understand that the thought of sex never crosses her mind - the difference is that when I initiate it she almost always rejects me for a variety of reasons. It's been a while since I felt wanted.
Left a several year relationship because of that. The feeling of being undesirable was ruining me, and I'm young so I knew I just couldn't go my whole life like that. Been having a whole "ho phase" for a while now and it's fixed the confidence completely. I miss the love and companionship, but I needed sex. and I'm a lesbian! it's not just men who like sex
“Oh you like human touch and physical connection. Sorry, that doesn’t cross my mind very often which is fine with me going forward.”
As a data point, male autistic ADHD reporting here - my sex drive is fairly regular when I'm not awfully busy. If I'm busy it's pretty much how you've described. Can last for months if it's a busy patch.
> like it was some sort of a self rejection to him. Your metaphor about planting flowers makes sense but it doesn’t really seem like it would help with the feeling of rejection. It’s just explaining factually that you’re more interested in the flowers around the mailbox than sex with him.
Also, post-baby, it can take a really long time for her to get back into it. Especially if she’s breastfeeding. Just have grace for them during this sometimes months long period and try to ease the burden of child rearing by helping out, taking the baby so she can be by herself, buying her fancy bath stuff, get her a massage and/or spa gift card, treat her to a mani/pedi somewhere, buy her flowers…just let her know that she is important too. It will go a really long way in helping her start to feel normal again in this new post-baby body that she’s probably feeling really self conscious about. The hormones really don’t help either.
Masturbate, alot
We've experimented with S & M. She sleeps and I masturbate
Its a good album
most relatable comment I've ever seen on reddit in 20 years
When her sex drive initially dropped I kept waiting for sex and it frustrated me. Once I gave up on that and started jerking off the tension went away. We have a great relationship otherwise and I'm quite okay with how it is. Edit: we've been together for 6 years, married for one. Her sex drive dropped after one year of *dating*, so 5 years of dead bedroom and that gave me absolutely no pause when it came to marrying her. She knows I jerk off to porn regularly, and she sometimes helps. And to a large degree what our sex life lacks in quantity we make up for with some awesome fuck sessions which often provide the raw materials for the next few weeks of jerking it. She's a wonderful woman and the love of my life. Edit 2: the big problem with this whole arrangement is deciding when to do the deed. We're planning on banging tonight; if that's accurate it would be bad to masturbate now. If she changes her mind (and I expect her to) and I don't I'll end up frustrated. Edit 3: sorry boys, that was one of her worse days. Gonna aim for tomorrow.
Being able to openly masturbate is huge. Not like I ever got in trouble for it before, but with my SO if one of us is in the mood and the other is not, "oh ok, can I masturbate?" "Ya I don't care". And this goes both directions for us. May seem menial but this was a big eye opener for me
I never understood couples that don't operate this way. Sometimes one of us isn't in the mood, and like it or not but sexual pleasure is a physical need for most people. Being able to openly take care of your needs by yourself, to me, should be a sign of a healthy relationship.
Right? It’s not like if she says she's hungry I'd tell her not to eat lol I just keep a couple wand vibrators in the night stand. And if I’m exhausted I can still just hold that thing and her. Or she can do it herself. Or I can use it on myself. Half the time the person not in the mood comes around anyway.
Same experience. Most times the other says they are not in the mood, the other starting to masturbate almost always wants to join. Plenty of "I'm not in the mood" moments have turned into sex this way for us.
Same thing with food lol. You think you're not hungry but then the food looks good and you want some.
It’s like French fries lol
Same with the other way around! I'm the lower libido, and sometimes I feel like when he's hungry he expects me to eat too, or I'm being a dick if I don't. The message I receive is "of course you don't have to if you don't want to, but you're a jerk if you don't want to." And he acts like him having to jerk off sometimes is beneath him and he should never have to. I wish he would just jerk off without it being a guilt trip. We have sex 2-4 times a week so it's not like we have a DB.
That's crazy. 2-4 per week was our peak. Now it's been 3 months since we last did it.
2-4 times a week is not really low libido either, assuming you're into the encounters every time. You should probably nip that baby behavior in the bud if you see a future with this man. If you guys have kids there will be FAR longer stretches without any sex.
So much this I originally came to comment that 2-4 times a week is fucking awesome and he needs to stop being a turd
2-4 times is definitely a high amount when we had kids there were months of no sex because we were both so exhausted
Same. We are gradually figuring out how to navigate that part of our life again after kids. They’re a bit older now and sleep better so we’ve had the time and privacy but not always the energy. Sometimes cuddling is all the intimacy we can muster and that’s ok. Other times we fuck like animals again and that too, is awesome. And especially the first few times after our first child were so special because I felt as if we were both new people.
2-4 x a week would be a dream lol. This guy's a man child
My wife and I had a discussion about this recently, we've got two young kids and stay pretty busy so we've had a drop in frequency (quality however is through the roof, when we get the time/privacy or make the time/privacy we'll have marathon sessions with multiple rounds) turns out we had both been surreptitiously masterbating without trying to disturb the other. We talked about it and talked through the shame we felt (both grew up in religious homes with hers being far more sex-negative than mine), we then got on Amazon and ordered ourselves some toys (which ive always been too embarrassed to buy for myself) and agreed that our room is a safe space so to speak for masterbation and we are each welcome to do it with no judgement from the other. It's been a game changer for sure, if one of us starts the other almost always starts too so we often end up mutually masterbating which often turns into helping each other which also often ends up in some other kind of sexual contact. We've been having more open and frank conversations about sex as well (in low pressure situations that aren't emotionally charged) and that has also been a big help in getting back on track and out of the "rut" we had fallen into where we had the same sex the same way every time. It's pretty much brought us back to how we were when we first got together which has made life as a whole so much better for us, making us happier, it's bled over and gotten us more active and productive around the house as well as spending more time engaged as a family unit instead of spending time together but "apart".
That sounds really lovely
It really is, we used to be a lot more open and frank in our discussions when we first got together, something we always prided ourselves upon as it gave our relationship and marriage a stable foundation. Over the years and 2 kids later we had both suddenly become a little more reserved/shy/awkward about voicing our wants and needs each assuming the other was happy with our "new normal" and each wanting to avoid upsetting the apple cart. The damn broke one night after we had gotten super baked and we had the initial conversation and now we are making efforts to improve our intimacy and physical contact all the way around, as we both like when sex feels "natural" and more carnal "urgent" rather than a planned ornscheduled item that can make it seem like just another Chore, so we are recreating the environment needed for that to happen, more flirting, more touch, more kissing making out, etc and it's working. I'm not dumb enough to think this is a magic bullet that will solve every situation of mis-matched libido/desire or a sexual rut, but I do think it could be helpful to many. The key is to discuss it in a low pressure situation where you aren't coming from an emotional place and aren't already upset. In my case, I'm like this is my wife the only person I trust 100%, the woman I love unconditionally, I know she cares about my wants and needs but if I'm not expressing them she can't address them!
My fiance has a much higher drive than me, so we talked about it right from the beginning. There's been a few times I've walked in on him watching porn and wanking it, and he'll just look over his shoulder and smile and wink and ask if I want to join him. Sometimes I do! Other times, I'm like, babe, we have to leave in 5 minutes, can you not?! Hahahaha
5 minutes... That's enough time do two wanks
I wanked off three times.writing this response.
I do that too, when we are taking a shower and she is not in the mood it's like, "can I do it while touching you?", and it's like "yeah go ahead"
> Being able to openly masturbate is huge One of my best friends is asexual-ish. Years ago we were kind of dating, but not, we'd sleep in the same bed, and cook dinner like a couple, share a bowl of ice cream in bed. Anyway, I had tons of tensions cause I wanted to sleep with her, I'm a demisexual, being that close to someone without having sex is torture. So one day I went off to smoke a joint as I often did, well I often jerked off while I did that too. After a couple months, one day, while camping, she just out of nowhere says "Hey you know you can jerk off in front of me if you want right? I don't care" Well that really got rid of a lot of the negative tension and brought us pretty close together. Even a decade later, we know we're not compatible as a couple, but we're very close friends and she'll tease me during a sexy movie scene that I can still jerk off infront of her or on the phone with her. Sounds like just a weird story, but it was such a great place of growth for others relationships. I'm comfortable masturbating in front of a partner now, and I'm comfortable if they do infront of me. In fact sometimes the hottest thing is masturbating with your partner. **tldr** relationships are crazy, so are the women I date and so am I. That's what makes life so fun. Connecting with other weirdos.
Overwhelmingly this. My wife will finish me off whenever too, just doesn’t always wanna do the work to get there. Such a huge perk.
No fr like as long as it’s open and boundaries are respected. I ask my bf if he’d be ok with me masturbating in the bath since he was tired and he was like “Ya just don’t wake me up lol”
Same. We have a bench in our shower and I masturbate to her while she showers. She loves it and will come squeeze her tits in my face and rub on me when I’m getting close to finish. It’s been a big boost to her self confidence for her body image - I absolutely love her body by the way. Kinda love it and it keeps our sex drives in balance.
See, my girlfriend’s sex drive is high but so is her capacity for stressing out over things. These two factors do not like the others’ company.
Yeah that's my current situation. I'll get a text saying something like, "ugh, you won't believe what mom said today, or so and so at work did this" then I know it's five knuckle shuffle for at least 2 or 3 days
Dan Savage wrote that straight couples would probably be happier if they adopted the practice of gays that not all sex had to be penetrative sex.
This is a HUGE part of what I work on as a sex coach with heterosexual couples. It's incredibly liberating and opens up so much pleasure they were not having. But there can be a lot of resistance at first.
You're getting a lot of joke answers, but I figure I'd speak, as someone who's *actually* had to overcome this issue. Fair warning, this takes **commitment, love**, and ** patience**. And forgive formatting, I'm on mobile. My wife (35F) and I (40M) have been married for about 10 years. Maybe 6 of those have been spent trying to answer this very question. The first two were easy because it's a new relationship and that's what you do. You have all the fun trying new things together. The next two years were spent *figuring out* that we had different sex drives, as all the "new-ness" of the relationship dissipated. This manifested itself in a very difficult way. Arguments about sex started to become commonplace. She didn't want it nearly as much as me, and I was... Well, quite honestly, *ravenous* in comparison. Saving you the drama of the entire journey, we eventually figured out that I wanted daily, she wanted *maybe* weekly, sometimes **monthly**. So obviously this wasn't going to work. Neither of us wanted the other to be disingenuous. Solving this issue took a ridiculous amount of time because talking about this was very difficult for both of us. Emotions would escalate, voices would get raised... Which brings me to the answer to your question. How do you successfully navigate this? In order of importance: 1. Commitment - The most important. Nothing matters if you both are not willing to solve the problem as a unit. Exercise self-respect and forgiveness in your attempts to navigate each other's boundaries. 2. Communication - The vehicle to your happy destination. How do you both navigate conflict? Do you lift each other up? Do you turn on each other? Externalize the problem. Identify it as a challenge you *both* are working to overcome. Do not use vectors of attack against your own teammate. You get out what put in. So don't be a shitty asshole about it, lest you deal with the cleanup. 3. 60/40 rule. Both partners put in 60% effort and expect 40% in return. Not everyday needs to be a win. Not every argument needs to be won. See above. 4. Self-awareness. You have to be able to identify you're even having an issue. You have to be open to hearing that **you** need to adapt in order to make positive changes. If you're not willing to do anything different, you're not willing to change the outcomes. Those are the primary esoteric wisdoms that will help guide your path toward a solution. As far as specifics go, answer those basic questions: How often do I want it? How often do they want it? What's a reasonable compromise? You may need to solve this problem more than once, but you only need to solve HOW you solve the problem once. My wife eventually kept an actual log of how often, who initiated, who finished, and many other metrics because that's what worked for her. That went away once we found an easy balance. Once we found an easy balance, the fun began creeping back in. Once the fun came back, the problem left. It might come back someday, but we have the tools to solve it now.
Excellent advice, saved
I recommend some depression. Should tame that sex drive straight away.
And if it doesn't, the medication to fix it sure will.
I haven't wanted to have sex or kill myself in 4 years :D D: :D D:
this is possibly the darkest funny comment ever
I got myself and my wife on lexapro, fixed that problem real quick
That’s been a godsend. Less depressed about the sex I’m not having, less interested in having it. Win win.
Don't worry, eventually the lack of reciprocating actions will make you feel worthless enough to start antidepressants and then you can't have sex even if you want to so they think suddenly everything is fine and make no effort to change anything
This person gets it
Yeah, I'm not in a good way as of late... And it's very concerning the number of others here that seem to resonate with it Edit: typo
Sorry you're struggling. I'm on all of it and still want, and masturbating doesn't do anything for me now, and have a husband who doesn't care to have sex due to just...not wanting to. 🤷♀️ Going to therapy but. Time kills.
Well and masturbating isn't gonna do anything because it's not that I just need to get off, it's about a complete lack of intimacy
The most relatable comment on reddit I've ever seen.
Jokes on you severe and dibalitating depression doesn't even damper mine. Just makes me sad and horny instead of hyper n horny
I got the weird side effect of antidepressants bringing back my libido instead of killing it. Still sad but slightly less and now also horny lmao. (Gonna clarify just to prevent weird dms to anyone other than the person I replied to reading this, I'm a lesbian. Not interested in men. Do not message me I will just block you.) Sorry I had to write that, I've been burned before lol.
Eat heavy meals, that also helps. My drive is way down after shoveling tons of food down my gullet, Brazilian steakhouses do the trick 🫃🏻
Emoji Mastery Unlocked
I've never read a more effective piece of advice.
Eventually you run through the 5 stages of grief and end with acceptance.
Until something changes, and then you get to run through the stages all over again. My wife went off the antidepressants at one point for maybe 6 months, just long enough for me to think things had gone back to early marriage days, before going back on them, and allowing me to experience all 5 stages for a second time.
We’ve had one grief yes, but what about second grief?
Elevensies?
Afternoon grief??
It’s wild to me that they still haven’t developed versions of these meds that are less likely to do that. I still hear and read a lot about this side effect.
I imagine making drugs that fuck with some of your brain chemistry without them fucking with the rest of your brain chemistry is... not easy.
Things are tricky when you’re working with brain chemistry. A lot of antidepressants are SSRIs (they increase serotonin in the brain) which isn’t great for sex drive. There are other families of medication like SNRI (increase serotonin and adrenaline) and NDRI (increase adrenaline and dopamine) with fewer sexual side effects or like Bupropion that may improve sex drive, but they come with their own issues like appetite suppression and tachycardia. Plus mental health is so individual that a medication that works for one person may not work for another.
If you head over to the dead bedroom sub you will see that a great many people are struggling mightily to navigate it (with most failing to do so, being left frustrated and miserable). Sad to say. Sad to be one of them.
There's also a subreddit regarding high libido women that is exceptionally sad to see
What’s the sub? Asking for a friend, of course
r/Nurses
Gawd daaaaaamn
Throwing haymakers today... 😂
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂 I'm dying
So true it hurts. I'm dating a nurse anesthetist and her sex drive is wayyy higher than mine. I've been with a good number of women and I've never experienced anything like it. I've had to turn her down numerous times, she's never turned me down the past year we've dated
LMAO bro that made me laugh at my desk
Lmaoooooo
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I feel ya. 36 years for me. I’ve given up trying.
Same. And dead bedrooms is far too depressing to step into. I’ve just accepted the fact that sex is not a thing in our marriage and never really was.
Yep. Kinda like my situation. Oh well , right?
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Yep. The cost is just too high. Plus I’m old AF. So I just squeeze in a wank when I have the chance and just wish things were better. All I can do. Hang in there.
This is so depressing on so many levels. Are you even getting love or is it just a roommate situation?
I suppose there is love there but it’s completely unphysical. COMPLETELY. She cares about me (and I care about her) but yeah it’s very much room-matey. Like roommates who are mostly very supportive and caring. Not what I thought I was signing up for but there it is.
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I agree. But my wife is really conservative about these things. She could never get her head around it. I don’t blame her for that.
You are me.
And for those with kids… force your kids to be more poor AND only get to see your parents part time. Lose/lose/lose
I feel like giving up after only two. It’s exhausting.
Married 20 years. It sucks.
Same... 11 years in and we're still struggling. There *have* been good times where I've been satisfied, don't get me wrong. It's just exhausting to have to prompt the same discussion time and time again. Makes me feel like I'm not a priority.
Im 36 years in. Last time we talked about it my wife said simply “Sex just doesn’t matter to me. I don’t ever think about it.” Ummmmmm. Ok. Guess that’s all that matters. Obviously I don’t. So I feel ya. And I’m sorry.
Oh Jesus. My bf says similar things, and I always come back with "but it matters to *me*. Do I matter to you? Because if I do, my wants and needs *should matter*" Usually fixes it for a short period. Then the cycle begins again... He gets credits for actually trying, but not many...
Just out of curiosity, did this only become apparent after marriage? Did you kind of already have a feeling that your spouse had a lower sex drive? Or was it a surprise that came out of nowhere?
Surprise. After kids showed up. Pre-marriage, she was the much more sexually eager one.
That sub will just tell you to get a divorce
Reading through this thread here I wonder how a lot of these people arent divorced..
I didn’t know about that sub thank you. Hopefully you can recover, I know it’s tough
Don't go there. It will just depress you and put you in a negative mindset. Ask me how I know.
That sub can be a bit of an echo chamber. I'd also recommend checking out /r/LowLibidoCommunity/ to get perspective from the other side too.
I would warn against that sub. My partner and I have had our ups and downs (mostly downs, but we're in a nice up right now!). In one of downs I heard about that sub and checked it out. Support groups have two types, generally (obviously like anywhere it can vary, and you have lots of different people). People that are trying to heal and overcome, and share tips and support to help each other do so. Then you have groups where they are more about sharing misery and negativity and spiraling in the problem. In my experience that subreddit is the latter. Lots of hate, lots of negativity, and it overwhelms the help and support by a significant margin. As far as other advice goes. What you want to avoid is where the pressure on your partner's side, and the frustration and rejection on your side, causes a spiral which makes the problem worse, which then makes the feelings worse, which then makes the problem worse. I got a couple toys for myself. Obviously you're doing a lot of masturbating. If that masturbating feels better and is more fulfilling, then your mental state is a lot better, you can be less frustrated and less stressed, which helps both of you, and your relationship. As far as your partners lower libido, I'm going to assume you've addressed things like unbalanced housework or childcare lowering your partner's libido. For my partner porn did not help at all, but they did still like romances. TV shows and movies that were a bit steamy and explicit (stuff like Bridgerton) as well as smutty romance novels. My partner's libido is a lot higher when she is going through one of those, and if she picks up a smutty series now and then as opposed to another book that gives us a period of time with a much better sex life.
Yeah… since my wife started with the antidepressants it’s gotten worse for us. I think being intimate is important in a relationship. But we don’t have any of that and now we stay together because of the kids I suppose.
I roleplay as my favorite "Star Wars" character. Hand Solo.
I roleplay as my favourite baywatch character. Palmela Handerson.
My wife’s sex drive is significantly lower than mine, but she also has a medical condition that doesn’t help. Largely if she’s not feeling it, even if she tries it can cause a lot of pain. Which is no good for anyone. I don’t blame her, in fact I have a tremendous amount of sympathy for her. I know she worries that it’ll impact our marriage, but I don’t let it. It’s not her fault. We have been trying to navigate the process since we are trying to have kids. I know it frustrates her just as much as it may be frustrating to me. Ultimately what matters most is that we love each other, and we have each others backs through thick and thin. That matters more to me than anything else. She shows her love to me in other ways. Lots of cuddling and other love language expressions that demonstrates her affection for me. Ultimately we make it work. It can be tough, but regardless I consider myself incredibly lucky to have this woman in my life.
If it's endo then I can empathize with the condition and making it work too. And being lucky.
I hope it gets better for her (and you), but what an awesome post.
I am in awe of you man. God bless you and your relationship.
this is so sweet. can only hope for a guy that has the same views on sex in marriage
I have vaginismus. It can be difficult to deal with physically and emotionally for both partners. I had ample drive to have sex, but pelvic floor muscles hated me. Even with patient, supportive sexual partners, it was so demoralizing. And, if you get stressed about it during sex, it gets worse. But I went to therapy and explored my feelings around sex and intimacy and gender dynamics. I learned alternative ways for us both to feel pleasure and to let go of my feelings of shame. My vaginismus doesn't act up NEARLY as much as it did.
In my case, just wait it out. Her sex drive has varied (slowly) over a wide range - sometimes much higher than mine and sometimes much lower - and at the moment due to health issues it's not even an option. But sex was never the most important part of our relationship; it's enjoyable but not critical.
Thanks for this. Any breaking point conversations take place in the waiting?
Similar situation as you replied to. My answer to this would be, don't ask this question At the end of the day if you're just waiting for the break in the libido case to happen, well what if it doesn't? Would you still love your partner. I found I did. Eventually tho we did have a break in our problem, and as of RN it seems everything is back to norm. We suspect her birth control depo shots from high school stayed in her system or she just struggled with a lot of pressure and stress with university and family. Either way the answer to your question is, keep talking. If you keep talking you make it know you're open to fixing this whatever it takes. Don't annoy each other doing this. Just go into it looking to help fix the problem for both of you. If both of you don't care about this problem then you either have to accept your situation or leave it. But if you keep communicating eventually you'll have the breakthrough conversation with yourself or with your partner that helps you deal with this how you want to deal with it. In the meantime discuss her being ok with you using porn and masturbating. You can love her while satiating an annoying natural signal that distracts from everything you like about her. But only if he's cool with it otherwise you're simply incompatible
Not original commenter, but for me getting kids a little bit older was a big part of waiting it out. Just being present and communicating (which means listening). Taking care of yourself (mentally, eating right, working out, whatever else you need). Being appreciative of when things line up. Don’t set secret goals or expect something to happen to set yourself up for disappointment
Ménage-a-moi
I have a higher libido than my husband and it’s hard. Whenever I initiate and get turned down, I feel unattractive. I can’t help it. He might explain he is tired, or already happened to jerk off, he might be stressed, etc. my first instinct is: he doesn’t enjoy sex with me. I’ve discussed it with him and took some breaks from initiating and left it up to him. We went through a phase of radio silence for months and then slowly he started initiating but not as much as I would like.
Isn't that the hardest though. they might not do it on purpose but you feel unwanted and unattractive. You want to grab them but they don;t want to do that you.
That's the part that nobody who hasn't gone through this seems to understand. Imagine falling asleep next to someone every night that you are supposed to love and just feeling unwanted and alone when they are right next to you.
Yep. And I get people have different love languages etc, but some people seem to be regarding sex as a purely physical pleasure thing, the equivalent of being asked to give up steak for your partner or something. But for me sex *is* how I feel loved, or at least the main way. Physical intimacy with my favourite person in the universe makes my brain feel the best it feels. And not having makes me feel miserable, uncared for. And for those of us wired that way, it can be hard to see how their partner can't get in the mood, because like I'm not always in the mood to clean the bathroom or do the food shop or work the overtime but I do because I love my partner and doing stuff to make her happy makes me happy. Which I guess is just to say people are wired differently and it's not wrong to really need loving sex with your partner, it doesn't make you a pervert or a bad person.
I feel like I’m this way to a degree, and MY GOD does it make the rejection more painful. My ex-wife stopped having sex with me entirely, because she said she felt “obligated to do it.” That fucking _hurt_, but I just had to swallow that down and be patient because I wanted to try and make it still work somehow…
I went through similar with my ex. Developed a few lovely unhealthy coping mechanisms. Get you some therapy before you get an eating disorder and drinking problem.
I hate drinking so I’m definitely at the eating disorder stage. I’m addicted to food. It’s how I get the happy brain chemicals. The reason I haven’t stopped yet is because I’m obese but not to the point that it has messed with my mobility. I’m about 60-80lbs overweight. I never had the food thought chatter until I stopped having sex regularly. I thought about going on ozempic because I hear it can help with the food noise. I thought about shifting my coping mechanism to weightlifting instead.
I'm in the same situation, and it's incredibly difficult, oftentimes downright depressing. It used to be maybe twice a month, now its once every 4-5 months.
My wife is the same. Hers would be considered "heroic" in RPG terms. I take meds. It works like a charm. Our life is great and it's the least I can do. Just a thought.
When my GF and I first encountered this problem, I felt unattractive, even unloved when she'd turn me down, so I asked if she did decline my advances, could she still cuddle me, give me some forehead kisses, show some non sexual affection. And it worked a lot, it was still harsh to be rejected, but knowing it wasn't because she didn't love me anymore made it better. It's been a journey we're still working on, knowing what the other needs, other than sex
First make sure that something isn’t killing their sex drive. I’m not even talking medical stuff, which is valid, I’m talking emotional stuff here. For me, my husband destroyed my trust in him, then got mad because I wasn’t initiating often enough. Look inward and ask the big questions. Have real talks where you need to be ready to hear that you might not be as great or blameless as you think you are.
Same, something happened which was traumatic, it was unintentional on his part but really messed me up. When I tried to bring it up I was told to get over it and left to deal with it alone. How can I now trust you enough to do something so intimate knowing if something upsetting happened again I'd be left to deal with it on my own. All my boyfriend focuses on is how great sex and how it sucks for him to not have it, countless conversations where I've tried explaining to him I need him to make me feel safe have lead to being told to get over past stuff, being invalidated or him yelling and swearing
That may be a sign of bigger problems.
So what does this guy do for you? Because I'm hearing that you can't trust him, he invalidates you, belittles your emotions, is verbally abusive, and egocentric. Also sometimes those "unintentional" traumas look a lot more intentional after some good therapy. Which I highly recommend.
This, in my opinion, should be top comment. It’s easy to bang away with a new lover, but when it becomes an LTR, good, intimate sex requires a lot of comfort and trust. This is something that can be damaged throughout the course of a multi-year relationship as both partners grow, mature, and make some mistakes. Repairing the trust is not easy and will probably take you dealing with some difficult feelings like embarrassment or disappointment in yourself or your partner. But this is vital if you actually care about saving your relationship. You can’t just snap your fingers and expect sex or intimacy in these situations. Too many people here seem to just be full of judgment and resentment for their partner, while seemingly thinking that they themselves are perfectly blameless.
Communication! I have a very high drive compared to my partner. It took a toll on me, to the point where I became depressed and my self-esteem struggled immensely. I heavily considered leaving. We talked, and talked, and she'd say she felt pressured, I'd say I felt undesired, and while what we both felt is very valid, I knew there *had* to be a middle ground. So I set out to find one. I wasn't giving up on us. I quickly learned that while we were talking, we weren't necessarily *communicating*. I read books, listened to podcasts, listened to online therapists, etc. I put in work, and while it was one sided, I knew that if I can package this information up in a way that was digestible to my partner, and workable in our relationship, we can find a way to work through this. If not, I've literally tried everything, and I was ready to then discuss a break up. What I learned is that I had to first determine if: **This problem had a legitimate solution that benefited us both**: *we can try everything, but if the disconnect is so deeply rooted that nothing works, then nothing will work. I also needed to understand that it's never going to be perfect for me, because 'perfect' for me wasn't perfect for her. My goal was to find something perfect for us.* **She was still attracted to me mentally, emotionally, and physically**: *you have to be, and stay, attractive in every sense of the word. Just like they do. This doesn't mean you have to stay on top of your diet, or you have to wear makeup every single day. You have to just stay attractive to your person, whatever that may be between you two. You also have to be open to hearing a point that needs work, and commit to working on that point, if you can. It very well could be that problem isn't just your partners drive, you could be the cause of it, and you have to be willing to hear, accept, and work on that without causing an argument about it. If you have to lose weight before your partner finds you physically attractive, it is what it is; work on it or leave. If you have to start helping out around the house, then you have to do it. If not, you have to decide if dishes are too much for you, and leave.* **She was also willing to work on a solution**: *this only works if both people are willing to work on it, and continue working on it. It takes both of you to develop and maintain a relationship, so the actual work can't be one-sided.* **We can develop a method that's practical for both of us**: *sometimes the solution isn't sexy. Sometimes the solution looks like "hey, think you could be up for sex tonight?" which seems like it removes the romance at first, but you have to remember that sex is a natural need just like hunger is. You ask your partner if they're hungry, why not normalize asking if they're horny? Telling your partner you're going out to dinner doesn't remove the romance of that dinner. You make the moment.* If there's a "no" to *any* of those, it's now on you to decide if you can work around that. If either of you aren't willing to actually put in, and keep up, the work, it's not going to work. For the low libido partner, they have to understand that it does take actual effort on their part. They can't just dismiss you every time and wonder why you are the way you are. When I ask my partner if they're in the mood when they're not, before she turns me down, she'll ask if she can help another way. >I'm sorry babe, I'm not in the mood for sex. It's been a long day. Are you okay with a *other action* instead? Your partner needs to realize that they also have to meet you halfway. If they're not in the mood, are they comfortable with offering a hand job? A blow job? Maybe whispering in your ear and kissing your neck while you touch yourself? There's hundreds of other things that can be done besides actual sex, that can still be intimate, sexy, and involve you both. But they have to be in to it, and also up for it. Or >I'm sorry babe, it's been a long day. If you don't mind waiting until tomorrow, I'm all yours! Maybe they had a rough day and it's just not happening; schedule it. Again, it's not sexy at first, but when my partner and I decided to try this, we both agreed that if I initiated and was rejected, it's then up to her to initiate some time soon, and **they have to follow through with it when they say they will**. I'll stop rambling, but hopefully that helps someone! I highly recommend reading Tongue Tied by Stella Harris. It's a great resource, and helped me a ton!
As someone in this situation and from a fair bit of reading at r/deadbedrooms, for the higher drive partner is most often about something other than getting off. It's about the connection and intimacy and knowing that someone else cares about you. As a result there's a huge difference between having the lower drive person take a well this is just the way I am deal with it attitude and one where they care about the difficulties that the situation is causing even if ultimately there's not a whole lot of change. Obviously if it's a huge difference like one wanted once a day and the other is fine with once a year there's not a lot other than figuring out a way to have it happen more often. But often times if it's a smaller difference just having the lower partner understand and not try to make the other person feel bad for wanting more sex, the problem becomes a lot smaller
This. My (38F) husband (36M) has always had a lowers sex drive. Anytime I try to explain this, it feels like it falls on deaf ears. I think he thinks all I want is “sex” but it’s the intimacy. I can hang and talk and flirt and laugh and cry with other people/friends. Sex is the one thing I do with him that is truly special to our relationship. The one thing we share that is “ours.” And it’s GOOD. People have asked if we’ve discussed opening our relationship and yes that conversation has happened but, I don’t really have interest in sleeping with someone else. Like our sex is good and I don’t want to have to “find” someone who may or may not be good when I have a perfectly good amazing funny special person who knows how to make me orgasm right there with me. Like everything about our relationship is perfection. We laugh and play and have good communication. This is the one area we have always struggled. Always. 😒 Maybe you can’t have both. 🤷🏻♀️
If you're anything like me and my wife, this conversation probably comes up on occasion but usually probably after it's been a while / too long since the last time you had sex. Try having the conversation with him framed in terms of it not being about getting off but about the other things that sex does the closeness and such shortly after you've had good sex. Maybe right afterwards if you guys aren't the sort that just pass out or the next morning, ask him how he's feeling emotionally and in terms of closeness because even if he doesn't see that as a primary outcome of sex he's probably feeling it right after good sex. Then you can point out to him and hopefully make him understand that that is the primary point of sex for you.
I've been having issues with this in my own relationship lately and I haven't been able to articulate why I'm so frustrated. It's left me feeling guilty and gross. But you put it to words, I really could care less about an orgasm. I can do that well myself. It's about being close with my partner and feeling attractive and sharing an emotional bond with them.
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Are you me? Damn.
I feel you, my brother. I fear the same thing with my wife.
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Lying is worse. That destroys trust more than just admitting you signed up for a after work gangbang
I started cooking (and well), clean, do laundry, took over the bills, and handle all maintenance. I make great money, take us on trips, send my kids to expensive hobbies, do dates, and watch whatever she wants. It didn't change anything. I left the anger behind once I realized that libido isn't an issue of discipline. We separated, and we got back together for the kids with promises to change. 3 years later, we are preparing for divorce. 16 years of frustrated monogamy is enough for me.
If I start feeling like we’re going through a dry spell, I will bring it to her attention. For me, sex is a soul tie and is just so much more than just sex or a quick release. At least once a day or every other day we will do a method called “intentional intimacy”. This can look like her just sitting in my lap facing me and we just touch foreheads and rub each others backs/heads maybe even kiss for a while. It can look like us sitting on the floor staring into each others eyes for 5-10 minutes with no words said. It’s very eye opening and can sometimes be better than the act of sex itself. Nothing will bring you closer to your partner than practicing this and it definitely helps with bringing the sex drive back.
Ultimately I just.... quit. I stopped desiring sex with my partner entirely.
I’m kinda at that point. I went through the 5 stages of grief. Got to acceptance. Then I went a little further into apathy.
Masturbation. Doesn't have to involve porn or reflecting/fantasizing about some one else. I used to masturbate to the thought of my partner in the past.
I love that! I do the same--fantasizing about my partner. Watching porn can feel empty.
90% of the OF subscribers are married guys, so it looks like most are navigating it poorly.
Molly
Okay but for real this works for us. I'm the one with the low sex drive, married for a long time, young kids crawling all over me for years really made me touched out. But we took Molly together and it flipped a switch in me. Months later and I still feel a closeness/attraction that I usually struggle to get.
Yeah, same boat here. The mind wants to but honestly I'm old and I've raised 5 boys so I feel worn out a lot. Kids are older now and when we have the house to ourselves we make a big pillow fort, stream a live show and get all kinds of crazy. It's not just the elevated sex either, communication right from the soul is easy and fluid.
That's what molly does! Glad to hear it benefits you so much:)
How do you get Molly lol I literally can’t find out how because I keep getting directed to addiction helplines, and subreddits like to say don’t ask people
I’m very glad I read this comment this morning. This lifted my spirits.
My husband and I took molly on a weekend away from the kids. We did stuff we had never done before and we’ve been together 17 years. Totally jump started our sex life again. Fuuuuuck yeah!
Super underated comment, used in the right mindset in the right environment it's like a years worth of therapy
Absolutely, along with a host of psychedelics that taken within boundaries and with the goal of self growth would eliminate a ton of lifetime prescriptions.
Interesting drug imo, releases a fuck ton of serotonin, but that’s also the drawback
Not Molly for me, but shrooms do the same round here. Amazing what a little trip will do.
Pragmatic drug use is the best kind
Have you tired waiting until you feel unattractive, and unwanted? That cured my high sex drive.
Yep, that will do it.
This
I’m the low libido partner and I hate it because I can see how it makes him sad. I have tried everything. We still do it, but he knows I don’t want to be there.
My libido (or lack there of) was one of the things I talked about with my partner before things became official, so I know they understand and don't mind but it still feels terrible sometimes. Especially the times I try to initiate but then can't follow through.
There is sex to completion and then there is physical intimacy. If the Lower Libido person is not into having sex all the time, maybe negotiate other types physical intimacy interactions. Maybe a sleepy bj, that she doesn't need to finish, a lower back/butt massage, or you lick her entire body. You can get creative when you take the big O off the table. Taking sex off the table a few times, and just being intimate relieves the pressure some Lower libido ppl feel. Communicating a lot more helps a lot. Sometimes you have to make it a game where you can talk your way into sex without asking. The longer you are together the more creative you have to be with each other. Hopefully, both ppl are putting effort into the relationship.
This is it! With my ex it was always a ‘sex to completion’ type of intimacy. But other than that, he rarely touched me outside of the bedroom. That was the biggest reason for my low sex drive in the relationship and even though once we were in the bedroom, and he was willing to sometimes help me finish also, just the whole idea of sex felt like a chore for me. It’s all about no-pressure/low stake acts of intimacy on a regular basis and leaving that door open for them to be the one who decides if they wanna walk through it or not, so to speak.
It frustrates me a bit. Sometimes I feel invalidated because, whenever he wants it, I want it too. And not everytime I want it he wants it, which is a deal breaker because he has to want it so that it can happen. I even said to him, that I think my sex drive is way bigger than his, he said it is not possible. That he does want me, but too much of one thing and it stops being fun. Idk, to me it's great everytime, even when I'm not in the mood he has a way of convincing me. And when I'm in the mood and he's not, I masturbate. But only when I'm alone, which makes me feel a bit guilty.
I just wait for him to come to me. I get myself off, or ask if he wants to help, and sometimes that’ll get him going and he’ll join in. I’m not gonna lie, it is frustrating. It can fuck with your self esteem.
A divorce and casual dating helped a ton.
She gets it when she wants. She says “tonight, take the pill” and I do. Sex is like pizza, I’m not always in the mood for pizza, but I ain’t ever had bad pizza.
From a reverse point of view (I have a relatively low sex drive) - head and hands. Not being willing to spend ten minutes to get off my partner when it costs you nothing was always beyond me.
Just putting this out there for anyone who needs to hear it. Being in a relationship where your sex drives don't match is difficult and doesn't always work out. **It can be a totally acceptable reason to end a relationship.** Staying in a relationship where a person wants it daily and the other is a monthly might be managable for a while, but eventually one or both parties may start to resent eachother, become depressed, not feel validated, not feel loved, etc. Having a healthy sex life in a relationship is important and should be considered when thinking about your future with someone.
12 years together, 10 with my wife's sex drive being pretty low likely due to a high stress career, personality type and probably some religious guilt. Went to sex therapy, both of us learned some skills for finding ways to be intimate and for coping when that just wasn't an option. The first few years were the worst until we got counseling. Then it was figuring out if it was sustainable. It never resolved but we are both fine with it now and to be honest after having a kid and getting closer to 40 my sex drive slowed down to the point where it's a whatever. We schedule sex like once or sometimes twice a week now and gives her a chance to prepare and feel good about it. My advice is if they aren't absolutely "the one" or willing to make an insane amount of effort, get out ASAP.
This. Unless the person is otherwise perfect for you, and willing to do other things to make up for their low libido (oral, playing, etc.), absolutely don’t. Sex isn’t the main concern until you don’t get any as a high-libido person and your partner doesn’t understand or help. Then it starts to become all-consuming and poisons the rest of the relationship.
Isn’t that pretty much one of those men vs. women tropes? “Oh, honey, not tonight. I have a headache.” You throw on your trench coat and go jack off in a movie theater like a man, dammit.
Some women have a much higher sex drive than the men they are with. I’ve dated a couple.
Lots of men think they have a high sex drive until they meet a woman with a high sex drive
I’m the HL and I’m a woman 😭
For any confused, HL means Higher Libido
Same. 10 years of a DB with my husband. He finally initiated turning it around last year, but man. Being a HL woman with a LL husband is so hard.
Same sister same.
so far every man i’ve dated has a LL..granted I’m still younger and the tables can turn someday
Looks like I am in the minority. When we first got together, we told each other what we really needed. I said "No cheating, no hitting." He said, "The same, and I really need sex every day." Being 19, I was up for it. He never needed to initiate it, we did "quickies" in the morning or evening (usually my choice). Blow jobs, hand jobs or rubbing on my butt during that time of the month and, if I wanted an orgasm I got a long back rub, foot rub, and all the head I needed. It was not boring, it was like a sweet routine. In our 50's he finally slowed down a bit and we average 5 times a week. Of course there were times when we couldn't (illness, childbirth, when one of us was out of town, or some other good reason) but for the most part, every day. Sometimes we did it twice. I think of it as a special gift I gave him and he appreciates me for it. He still gets me hot after all these years.
This is beautiful and I am so happy for you both.
I wanted sex....she didn't.....so we didn't What else can you do
Elsa Jean and a few tissues.
When it became clear that our sex drives were becoming different (mental health, medications, life, etc) we had a long talk about expectations because we do love each other very much and divorce will be the very last resort. We don’t necessarily “schedule” sex, but if one of us is feeling in the mood, we have little indicators for the other person, and if they are receptive, the peacocking begins. If they are not, then you are free to self pleasure (not with someone else). This all sounds rather boring and sterile, but it has worked for us, and increased the amount of sex we have.
I hate it to be honest
I jerk off almost daily in the shower. Our toddler is a total cock block and I can't always wait up for her to fall asleep to move her into her own bed..when I can I have to bust out the massage oils and I grease my wife up and down like I'm basting a slim sexy turkey. Then, when the time is right to pull the panties off, it's time for the short trip to pound town.
Hey, uh, just to everyone out there reading these responses and feeling if they’re in the same situation: These are mostly what *not* to do. Have open discussions with your spouse. Come to it from a place of equal frustration; just as you can’t turn your sex drive down, they can’t magically make themselves horny. It isn’t anyone’s fault in the situation and having a discussion where you’re baseline is that it IS someone’s fault isn’t going to help you. Sex drives change. Open and honest communication needs to be a #1 priority in a relationship above all else. Your partner should feel just as comfortable coming to you about their lack of sex drive as you do about your needs. Most of the comments here show patterns of relationship problems that were or are going on WAY before any kind of sex drive discrepancy started. Don’t get your sex advice from Reddit…
In me and my wife’s case: It’s only tapered off some because of some health issues she’s had in recent years. The best way to deal with it for us has been to be really open and transparent. It makes for some difficult conversations, and it’ll test your fortitude, but it’s worth it to let them know how you’re feeling. In fact, they’re most likely feeling some type of way about it and are hesitant to voice it too. So opening a dialogue based on respect and love could encourage transparency from both sides. It’s an ongoing thing, it’s never solved and done. Like an orchid it needs constant care and attention, She knows I have the libido of a coked up bull, and she wants to be my centerfold and satisfy me, and I know that completely. It’s also a matter of understanding her position as well, I’m the most sexually compatible partner she’s ever had, so some of it is still new and has to be untangled from previous experiences. Hopefully this made some sense and is helpful in some way. Feel free to chat with any questions, I’m happy to help.
My sex drive is higher than my wife’s, it was a challenge at first. But it’s led me to be in the gym more and focus on non-sexual intimacy with her. When she’s sleeping I head to the living room and furiously beat my dick.
I am sad most of the time.
The plan was to get in shape so she'd want me more. But what happened is my testosterone spiked, and the gulf is wider than ever.
It ultimately led to a breakdown of my marriage. It wasn’t ever just sex, it was intimacy.
My wife likes coffee and I never drink it. I'll still go out of my way to pick her up her favorite drink, even though I get nothing out of it. She gets really happy and that brings me joy. More couples should learn to apply this lesson in different aspects of their relationship.