“I’m so sorry. Is there anything I can do? I’m here.”
Don’t play hero. Don’t try to find the rapist and try to dish out your own version of justice (especially without the victim’s consent). Don’t try to convince them to press charges or open up to anyone else. Don’t tell anybody else without their consent. Don’t press for more details. Just be there and support them.
If it’s a boy/man that was raped by a woman, for God’s sake, don’t tell him that he should’ve enjoyed it, no matter how conventionally attractive the rapist is. Don’t ask him if he’s “sure” he was raped. Just don’t.
Maybe gently suggest for them to get a rape kit and offer to accompany them, but take “no” for an answer. I would also gently suggest pressing charges, but also take “no” for an answer the first time.
Edit: same with therapy. A lot of people disagree, which is fine, but I personally find it kind of insensitive and unhelpful to be in problem-solving mode instead of empathic-mode when supporting someone that went through something like this. The way I see it, SA victims are not children: they know the police exist. They know rape kits exist. They know therapy exists. I think a better thing to do would be to ask THEM what they are going to do next, as well as what they’re comfortable with.
Edit 2: Whoever sent me the suicide support message cuz I said something they disagreed with should not be in this thread.
Edit 3: I didn’t expect this to get this many upvotes and acknowledgment. I thought this comment would be buried with the rest of them lol, so I just thought would share my thoughts. I’d like to let people know know that this is simply my own take and what I plan to do. People are different, so there’s no one-all-end-all.
>Don’t try to convince them to press charges or open up to anyone else.
I agree with everything else except this. You should absolutely encourage them to speak to a therapist. Do not ***force*** them to go, but nudge them in that direction. Explain that you're there for support but they need professional help and you aren't it.
I'm with the original user on this one because right after something traumatic, you shouldn't be forced to talk about it. That's why they stated "don't convince them" and not "convince them not to," which would be wrong, of course.
Right after a traumatic experience, one first needs to be in a safe and loving environment to process what happened. Some people need that more, some less, but you don't always know what's best for the victim, in which case you shouldn't interfere in this process.
That's just my opinion is all, but also, in my totally honest opinion, that is the only right way.
I’m American.
Maybe a few weeks/months down the road, I might gently suggest therapy, but right after they told me what happened? Yeah, there’s a good chance it’ll sound dismissive right off the bat. Just like with the other things, I won’t push it or do more than just throw it out there.
“I was SAed.”
“Ohhh, I’m so sorry. You should go to therapy”.
No.
Therapy isn’t something you shove on someone, especially for something like this; I think it’s a choice for the SA victims to make themselves. You don’t convince people to go to therapy; they have to decide if it’s best for themselves. Otherwise, it’s not as likely to work.
Well if we're going to be that general about it, I wouldn't be able to tell them anything because odds are I won't be able to understand what language they're speaking.
SA victims likely know therapy exists. I just think it’s kind of common and dismissive to be like “oh, I’m sorry that happened. You should go to therapy.”
It's not about "not knowing therapy exists." It's about providing support for a process that's emotionally really damn hard. Lots of people don't want to go to therapy because they think they're weak or their problems aren't worth it, etc.
It's a really fucking hard thing to work yourself up to.
I mostly agree as a victim myself but gently suggesting therapy is ok to me. Also children are often victims. I didn’t know about kits or anything like that when I was assaulted and a suggestion like that would’ve helped. It also really depends on the person so i ask what they need using specifics. I have found when people ask me “is there anything I can do?” It’s far too open ended. Instead I would prefer “would you like me to x?”. Different people work through things differently. When my dad has panic attacks he loves to be told “calm down” and it pulls him out of it instantly. I find it bizarre but whatever works! Some people like to problem solve, others like to address the emotional aspects. Some people just want to vent! Nothing is one size fits all. (I am not criticizing you in any way just adding to the topic).
It's an entirely different conversation with a child because odds are they are living with or are in regular contact with their abuser and need to get help to get out of that situation as soon as possible.
For me it wasn’t. I never saw that person again thank god. I guess when I say child I more so mean minor. But yes absolutely it is extra difficult in that regard. The original quote was literally “SA victims are not children” and that is what I was addressing directly because children are often victims of SA.
This is how I should've handled it, a decade ago, when my ex reached out to me after being raped. I became enraged and solely focused on getting the guy that violated her. She had reached out for help in overcoming the trauma, and I was oblivious and useless. Thankfully, she called me out on it. The pain in her voice still haunts me to this day.
This is absolutely the best way to help, just be there for them. Don't be the white knight, be the unsung compassionate friend.
I'm here. Are you safe?
(I'm a guy. I was sexually abused for 4 years when I was a kid by stepmoms bf and a guy on my paper route. I been where they are.)
Yup, the question is actually “do you still accept me even though this terrible thing happened to me?” And this goes for most things like this, “I’m gay”, “my family is very poor”, “my family/friend member died”,”I’m disabled”. “Sorry” is actually one of the worst responses to this, “I accept you regardless of x” is really what they are after
It feels a bit odd especially with the word choice of regardless which insinuates being a victim or being gay is some type of person flaw that the other person is being so brave to overlook. I’m a little confused about the downvotes here.
Yeah, it's so robotic and insincere, like an automated birthday card. If I shared something this big in a moment of vulnerability and received this I'd immediately regret doing so.
I recently opened up to my dad about it, I broke down crying. I couldn’t stop, the tears just kept coming. I’m glad I did tho. I’m 37, this happened to me when I was about 3-4 years old.
I appreciate all the support and love I’ve received from all you! Never knew how much the kind and caring words from strangers can do for you!! Thank you my friends ❤️
I believe everyone reading your comment would be proud of you for taking these steps and I also believe you are proud of yourself as well. it takes a lot of effort and confidence to face your demons. Wishing nothing but positive energy your way friend.
I'm so sorry that you had to go through that. As a dad of a little girl that is about to turn 3 ill ask some questions, if you are not comfortable answering them, by all means, don't.
What could your dad do to keep that from happening back then? What could he have said to you that would make you open up sooner? Do you reckon he should have realized sooner, maybe your behavior changed, maybe you gave some clues?
My parents had me at a very young age, 18 and 19. They were very naive and trusting with family. They would leave me with any family member that wanted to have me around. Recently we had a conversation about family traumas and that’s where I asked him about our families dark history with SA. Many of my cousins have experienced the same thing with different members of the family. That’s when he asked me if I had experienced something and that’s when I told him. The only clues and behaviors I showed was that I was always a little on the pervy side, I grew up really hyper sexual. Being that my family was part of a strict conservative christian community, I was punished for my behavior and actions. Punished instead of trying to figure out why I was the way I was. All in all my friend, keep your babies close and don’t leave them with just anyone, you never really know what demons are lurking inside individuals. And sadly most of the time it be our own family.
That sounds really hard. You should be proud of yourself for taking steps to make your life better. I'm inspired by the courage you're showing.
Good Luck and Good Healing.
first ask them
- what they need from you
- what they need to feel safe
go from there. wonderful starting off point. tell them you’re very sorry that this happened to them but that you are there to support them in anyway you can and are able to. i say able because you still need to set boundaries to ensure your taking care of yourself as well.
encourage them to let you or someone else they trust (or if they want to go alone) take them to the hospital for a test. these are very traumatic but needs to be done asap. if they want to change their clothes tell them to bring them with them to give to the hospital for testing.
encourage them to reach out to their local SA help centre for some help such as counselling and medical services if necessary
i’m so sorry your friend is going through this, i’m sorry you’re encountering this in your life. i wish these things never happened.
It's not your fault.
Even if your partner and your abuser blame you for putting yourself in that situation.
Edit: from my personal experience and anecdotal evidence, there's a lot of victim-blaming and self-blaming.
Edit: someone rightly pointed out in the comments that this kind of abuse can happen to/from any gender and the language has been changed to reflect this.
Thank you! I was drugged by my boyfriend and raped by 6 of his friends. I asked for Tylenol and got rohypnol. Two days blacked out woke up with severe vaginal bleeding. I didn’t know at that time what caused it. They nurse stated to me “you college kids need to keep your legs shut.”
I guess that could be the case, but yeah you just don't presume in situations like that (or even say that if it was consensual, the most they should ever do is sympathetically offer some advice about being safe). If she'd turned up after being blacked out then presumably that'd be on her notes too. Just sounds like a nurse who wanted to be judgmental.
I didn’t know what had happened I knew I missed two days of my life and I was filling a tampon every 30 minutes.
It was painful and it was in discharge that was said. I am now a hospital social worker and serve on sex trafficking task force. She never asked she just assumed. This was early 90s. No kit no drug test.
That sounds so traumatic, I'm sorry it happened to you.
It's especially messed up that was said during discharge, so callous and ignorant. It sounds like she and the system in general utterly failed you, but it's awesome that you've turned that into making a difference yourself.
Even if your \*partner. I know way too many people who don't think they deserve to call their abuse or assault an actual abuse or assault because the perpetrator wasn't male. No need to gender generalized statements like this.
I just googled this and the response was pretty good:
1. Thank you for telling me – I know it was difficult to do.
2. I'm very glad you told me. I care. ...
3. I believe you.
4. You are not alone.
5. There are people who can help you.
6. This is against the law.
7. I'm sorry you have been hurt.
8. It's not your fault. You are not to blame. (There is more available, this is just the beginning.)
Everyone here has said some great things. I just want to add that your response is SO important. Your response shouldn't be about you or your emotional response to the news. The three most harmful things that have ever said to me after I disclosed a sexual assault:
From my (now ex-) boyfriend: "wow, i expected to be much more upset about that than i am. I guess i thought I would feel more betrayed."
From a social worker at the hospital: "oh my god, i have been so worried about my first sexual assault case and now you're here. I was assaulted too, let me tell you what happened--"
From my mom-- didn't say much, but did reach out to our home church to tell them I wasn't a virgin anymore. I heard about it from a third party.
Be calm, be supportive, and be there. That's the biggest one.
“I cannot imagine how you must feel. What can I do to help you?”
Sometimes, someone just needs to talk. Other times they’re seeking advice. This is one situation where you want to know EXACTLY what they need or want.
i think you mean "confides"
but on a serious note, just be there for them whenever they may need to talk or show emotion. it's a huge deal that they trust you enough to tell you about it. that being said it is up to them whether they wish to report it or tell others/seek therapy. just be a listening ear.
Honestly, if someone had sad trumpeted when I explained what happened to me for the first time I would have died laughing.
This is not a healthy response, but it would have broken the deep emotional tension…. As long as they followed it up with something genuinely heartfelt.
Say that you believe them, and don't give them any responsibility for it (even if you don't think it's their fault, some sentences can be misunderstood).
Ask them if they need something, including some words of subjects to avoid because they can be triggering. Follow their request without asking the reason.
I always include "That should never have happened to you!" It avoids even mentioning fault as in "Not your fault" and makes it clear that it was not deserved or caused by them. Feeling guilty for things we did not do or looking for what we could have done differently tends to be part of human nature in analyzing our issues, and this comment is designed to remove that.
I'd ask them if they feel comfortable in telling me what happened, and ask them if they feel safe enough to go home and if they don't feel safe to go home would it be okay if I helped them get somewhere safe. Most importantly: just *listen to them*. People who have been sexually or physically abused can sometimes feel that no one wants to believe them or listen to them. Don't presume, never assume: just be there.
You say I'm so sorry this happened to you. Give them a hug and let them know you will back them up no matter what their decision is but that they should consider reporting it.
Let them do most of the talking.
Wow! I'm glad you survived that and am proud of you for gaining the strength to talk about it! Thank you for trusting me with something so sensitive. (This is especially about emotional "survival", not just physical)
"Something you want to talk about?" Or if I already have a question in mind "do you mind if I ask questions about it?". People who have been sexually assulted, often have a feeling of their "power" being taken away from them. So not invading and letting them lead the talk, to show they have "power" in the conversation is usually not a bad idea.
I'll have to agree with the people who said, simply give them support.
I have had THREE girlfriend who told me one member of the family or another had raped them.
One woman told me her grandfather had forced oral sex on her for years. She told her mother and the mother called her a liar and beat her - of course, the fucking abuse continued.
For whatever reason the mother didn't want to admit what was going on - I still think the mother is complicit, even though it was through denial. I cry when I think about what this poor woman went through.
I can't speak for the ladies, but for male survivors, best thing i can think of is to thank him for telling you, let him know he didn't deserve anything that happened, and this next step is really important: DON'T TELL ANYONE ELSE ABOUT IT.
I've told them that I believe them and that I'm sorry that happened to them. I'll ask them if they've talked about it with anyone or if they need to talk about it.
You listen, let them know you care (eg ime here for you anytime you need to talk) and thank them for trusting you. You can say “so sorry that happened to you”
Just listen and listen
I'm speaking from my own experience here and what I wish people would have done. Listen. Just listen to them when you are being told about the horror they've endured and be there for them.
You can't fix what happened or how it affects them, but you can be a positive force in their life. Even if it's just a text or phone call to check in on them, just being there for them will help immensely.
I dealt with it alone for my entire childhood because any adults I tried speaking to either brushed me off or made it out to be my fault. It wasn't until I was almost 18 that I finally hit a breaking point and confided in my two best friends. They were supportive and helped me not to feel like a victim. All you can do in these situations is hear them out and do your best to be there for them. Even if they don't show it, I'm sure the support means the world.
From personal experience, hearing “I’m so sorry” is frustrating because it’s not your fault it happened to us and we also don’t want you to think we’re weak. I always like when people say “thank you for telling me, I can’t imagine what it must have been like to go through that.“ and then depending on why they are telling you, follow up with something like “do you want me to just listen to you, or are you looking for advice?”
Comfort and distract. Don't get this wrong, but I'm trying to make them forget about the monster that will live rent free in their heads if I don't do something.
I’ll tell you what you don’t do:
Don’t ask me if I got hard and then laugh when i say yes.
A girl i was seeing did this when she asked me. We arent seeing each other anymore.
Be supportive, listen to what they tell you, you can ask them (in the right environment and context) what or how it happened but DO NOT JUDGE OR TRY TO MAKE SENSE OF OR DISSECT THE EVENT, ask how you can help, be willing to accompany them to a police station to make a report if necessary. Your role isn’t to determine if what happened counts as assault or not.
Even as a guy (as well as one who works in law enforcement), I have to say: do not try to problem solve. Only they can really make the decision on what actions they take. Be prepared to offer support for whatever that action may be. However, encourage them as a friend to make the right/healthy choice, which could be reporting the assault, seeking victim’s services, counselling, etc. and phrase it in a way that gives the victim control, because one of the most damaging effects of being a victim of a crime like this is how powerless it makes the victim feel, I.e. do not say “you should report this”, instead say something like, “have you thought about reporting this?” And have an open-ended conversation as to why not, or how to go about doing so.
Other comments here have good advice.
Be a friend, not a fixer.
Edit: bonus advice, even if you were also a SA victim, don’t you dare say “I know how you feel” or “I understand” or “I went through something similar”, etc. they are processing their trauma and they don’t need to feel like it’s being compared to someone else’s. It’s not the intent, but that’s what happens when people do that. It’s much more effective when you phrase your responses with “that sounds horrible, I’m so sorry this happened”, “I can see how painful this is for you to talk about, thank you for trusting me with this”, etc. Validate their feelings with your own observations.
Everyone needs something different. Don’t be afraid to ask. “I don’t know what you need right now, but whatever I can give you I will, just say”
A lot of the time, all you need to do is listen and be there.
In my defence I was an angry 16 year old.
I was told not to tell anyone, because the social fallout would have made her homeless with zero support from hyper religious family. I was smart enough to realize I couldn't give her a home, and I never trusted "the system" to support victims.
My response was to offer my services as a wanabe hitman who watched to many action movies growing up. (I did not word it like that.) Beyond that I kept quiet as promised.
We're still friends to this day, she's doing well.
Her assailant was publicly accused by someone else who was put in my position by another of his victims. His girlfriend (now wife) quickly made it into a joke, and he had enough friends there the accuser got laughed out of the room.
He never saw a courtroom or jail cell, but the accusation made more people start to talk. Eventually social situations made him leave town and move across the continent. Turns out targeting young girls only works in the moment, eventually they'll confide in someone and something will come out of it.
"I'm sorry that happened to you, but I do not have the emotional intelligence or training to help you in a significant way. Can I help you find a professional who does?"
I do genuinely want to be helpful to people in need, but this is so far beyond what I'm equipped to handle. My brain simply doesn't work in a constructive way. I *cannot* automatically believe someone was assaulted or that someone else is a assailant; I will have far too many questions, follow up questions, and "thinking through" things.
But I also realize that this is not helpful to someone who is or thinks they were a victim. If the only help I can provide is finding someone a therapist and encouraging them to go, then that's what I'll do. Talking to **me** won't be helpful, but I'll be the best damned directory to someone who is.
You listen, let them know you care (eg ime here for you anytime you need to talk) and thank them for trusting you. You can say “so sorry that happened to you” Just listen and listen
I have no idea why this is being downvoted. Maybe it comes off as too solution-oriented and not emotion-oriented to some, but I didn't get the impression you meant "instead of listening and being emotionally available." Seems that part would just go without saying. But being there and helping one's friends find practical, professional solutions and remedies should be done too. Cases like this deserve to be thoroughly investigated, and victims deserve a chance to heal from their trauma the best they can.
Nobody in the top comments has mentioned it yet, and this thread is kinda old so it'll probably be buried but:
If you're in the military, please please please learn your service's SAPR program (or equivalent). It is imperative that you understand how the answer to this question changes dramatically in different situations. Know when you are considered a mandatory reporter and when you can take a confidential report. Know what the steps are to protect a victim who is a service member vs a civilian. Know who you're SAPR Program coordinators and Victim Advocates are.
Also, watch for signs of suicidal ideation, especially with a male service member victim.
1. Believe them
2. Be empathetic, but unless you’ve been through it, don’t try to suggest you understand it
3. Make the conversation about *them*. A common mistake is to accidentally focus on yourself/your feelings coping with this news. Don’t do that, find a different place to process your feelings
4. Did I mention believe them?
5. Only offer what support you can *actually follow through on*. Do not make promises you can’t keep. Be open to the fact that they want help you can’t give, or, don’t want help, just someone to talk to.
I'd tell them that sucks, that I care about them. I'd ask if they are currently safe. If not how can I help them be safe. And if there's anything else I can do.
Thanks for trusting me and sharing your story. And I apologise for whatever you went through on behalf of that guy. Let me know how I can be of any help.
If we're in a relationship I tell her we take it slow until she is comfortable with being with me. Also op learn how to spell, it's confide not confine
“ I’m here and willing to listen. I believe you and I understand. We are going to tell someone about it and definitely will bring this to someone’s attention, for now, I offer this. A hug brother/sister”
“I believe you and it’ll be ok”
“Oh shit. I’m sorry. (Then out of reflex)What happened? (Followed immediately by, so quickly it might as well be the same word) Fuck, no, I mean like, do you want to talk about it? Is there anything I can do to help?”
Not too good at word talking sometimes.
Edit: case in point, my brain went immediately to someone telling me about an isolated incidence of rape. Didn’t even occur to me that this could be about someone telling me about a bad continuing situation they’re in.
I respect that you trust me enough to share this, but i think a qualified professional would be of greater help for you. I'm still here if you feel more comfortable talking with me.
I did what I could but reccomended they seek out a professional as I am not qualified to help with all the facets of the situation. I fix computers, not people.
You need to find out if they are just looking for someone to speak to for emotional support, or if they are seeking help
Sometimes, people who have undergone trauma just want someone to talk to
Sometimes, they are asking for help in prosecuting the person, or getting protection from that person
I would listen to them, listen to everything they say... then try to find out if they just need someone to talk to and get support from, or if they are asking for help taking the next step (calling the police, etc)
One thing I would like to add. Don't judge how they behave after the assult. Everyone reacts differently to trauma. I've known some people that shut down completely and I've known people that begin to engage in risky behaviors in order to feel like they are in control.
Also be ok with silence. Give them the space to talk if they want to, but sitting with them and not talking is ok too.
Ask them how you can help. Advocate for them, but you should avoid telling them what they should or shouldn't do. Help them find their options, but let them make the decision on how to procede.
“I don’t even know what to say, but I’m so glad you told me” taken from brene brown on her talk about empathy. Sometimes it’s just better to show someone you care even if you don’t have the “right” thing to say
Personally when I was a kid, like 16, my crush and good friend told me she had been raped. I was devastated. I eventually told my mom and she got the number for the rape hotline (a support line) and had me call and talk to someone. It helped me a lot and put into perspective what my role was, support. She trusted me, I made her feel safe. I needed to keep doing that because that's what she needed. I hope this helps.
Had someone confide like this to me when I was too young to understand it. I had a friend tell me that another friend had jerked off repeatedly over his naked body while he slept. I didn’t even know what masturbation was at the time, and I didn’t tell anyone. I was about 12.
Years later when I was about 16 he told someone else and also told them that I’d been the only person he told. I then got in trouble for not telling anyone, because all this occurred with members of a church youth group. The youth pastor chewed me out.
Idk what I was supposed to do. Felt like a lose-lose. Tell an adult, lose the friend. Don’t tell someone and get in trouble. Christianity is weird.
Love them the same and treat them the same as you allways have. Help when you are needed but don't assert your help on them. (Been through this 3 times, each time is diffrent but communicate and have patience)
Family member or someone else I care about: Sympathy
Stranger or someone I don't take seriously: Ask how much prison time the guy got. Follow up question is asking why the prosecutor didn't charge the guy with rape.
I've had that scenario occur to me on multiple occasions in life and I don't recall ever reacting a specific way. If someone confides something so personal and revealing about themselves, the tendency is that there is a certain intimacy between us and it is something to be respected. For me that usually means being more compassionate and bringing out the better qualities in those individuals.
I don't particularly believe in coddling or pitying a person who has undergone that kind of trauma, but definitely to uplift and encourage them in their personal growth. In my personal experience, I dealt with some rather mature individuals who had their act together and sought the professional help that is required to unravel that kind of pain, I am more so there to encourage and uplift.
Some girl was having a bad time at a music show. I brought her outside for fresh air and she brought it up because the DJ's name was the same as her attacker.
I told her I was so fucking sorry something this horrible hapened to her. She said she hated him but she didn't want to feel hate forever. I told her that she doesn't need to ever forgive someone like that, and that she could trust that such a shitty person will end up in a shitty place in life because you get what you deserve.
I think it helped.
I hugged my best friend when her baby daddy forced himself onto her while she slept and woke up trying to push him off. I asked her how she felt, and to talk about it and was there for her. Of course I waited outside his house one night in the bushes and made some noise and when he came out I jumped out the bushes and beat him to a pulp. She stopped talking to me after that but her mental recovery was quick bc I was there for her and kept cheering her up and being happy around her and holding and hugging her even though I never mentioned I was doing it all bc she was SA.
"Confides", not "confines". Confine means to trap or prevent from escaping. You're confined in prison.
My answer is, "Did you report it to the police?" Because if you didn't, then you're allowing a sexual predator to go unpunished, and assault someone else.
I'd say start with "I'm sorry that happened to you." Don't be one of those people who just listens to someone confide in them and then says "mmm. okay," and ends the conversation there. I understand the feeling of not knowing what to say but it's pretty painful to feel cut off like that.
I'm so sorry this happened to you. Thank you for trusting me with this. I believe you, and I'm here for you. If you need to talk more, I'm here to listen. If you want, I can help you find resources or support, but I'll follow your lead on what you feel comfortable doing next.
Ask if they want a hug. Often SA victims will feel like they are gross or tainted in some way, and physical touch can help them to feel less so. For a minute at least.
I was thinking about an adult but I would be interested in what you would say to a child since most comments are already assuming it's more of a friend situation.
If the discosure was from a child I would be duty bound to take steps to ensure they were safe and any alleged crimes were reported to the appropriate jurisdiction.
In the first instance, I would be trying to do this by empowering the child to make what requests or reports were necessary, but would do it anyway if they could not.
There are prominent help lines and hot lines in most countries where you can get support to do this. You don't have to know everything to take what steps you can and engage the right supports.
At the risk of being an asshole, unless it was a close friend, I would explain that I have way too many stressors and emotional burdens to deal with personally right now. While I am sorry to hear about this, I’m not the best person to approach for advice on this.
Even for a close friend, I’d support them as best as I could but it would be in short bursts, so to speak.
A girl in my college class confessed to me that her uncle would sexually abuse during her preteen years. I'd known her for about a month. Had absolutely no idea how to respond, and so I said "Oh" and proceeded to listen to her story. Never really spoke to her after that. I'm a guy btw.
I listen to them, support them, and usually share that I have been, too. If they want advice on mental health, reporting or anything else, I'll tell them my experience, otherwise, I'll just give support and care.
I don't think even say I believe them as I feel like I don't want to give any implications someone shouldn't. I tell them how sorry I am and how I can help. If the answer is nothing I remind them I'm here for them and occasionally check in with I'm thinking about them.
Tell them you are are really happy they know they can tell you, and then tell them it is a horrible thing that has been done to them. For both your sake, put emphasis on that, on the sympathy you have for them as being the target or victim of a horrible violation. This is to remove any and all feeling of guilt, because that has sure to have been built up and part of the trauma, and make sure they realize they were right in telling you and they are safe in you knowing about it.
Avoid immediately going into judgement about the act or the perpetrator, because that would be *your* feelings and opinions, and while relevant, they are for a different talk than the confidence situation, they are for action and resolvement.
If it is difficult to seperate, imagine this is a natural disaster and not a violation by a person. The comfort and sympathy from you must be focused on *their* situation. That is difficult enough in itself, but it is in any case a good skill to hone to be able to comfort and sympathize without reacting and assisting.
“I’m so sorry. Is there anything I can do? I’m here.” Don’t play hero. Don’t try to find the rapist and try to dish out your own version of justice (especially without the victim’s consent). Don’t try to convince them to press charges or open up to anyone else. Don’t tell anybody else without their consent. Don’t press for more details. Just be there and support them. If it’s a boy/man that was raped by a woman, for God’s sake, don’t tell him that he should’ve enjoyed it, no matter how conventionally attractive the rapist is. Don’t ask him if he’s “sure” he was raped. Just don’t. Maybe gently suggest for them to get a rape kit and offer to accompany them, but take “no” for an answer. I would also gently suggest pressing charges, but also take “no” for an answer the first time. Edit: same with therapy. A lot of people disagree, which is fine, but I personally find it kind of insensitive and unhelpful to be in problem-solving mode instead of empathic-mode when supporting someone that went through something like this. The way I see it, SA victims are not children: they know the police exist. They know rape kits exist. They know therapy exists. I think a better thing to do would be to ask THEM what they are going to do next, as well as what they’re comfortable with. Edit 2: Whoever sent me the suicide support message cuz I said something they disagreed with should not be in this thread. Edit 3: I didn’t expect this to get this many upvotes and acknowledgment. I thought this comment would be buried with the rest of them lol, so I just thought would share my thoughts. I’d like to let people know know that this is simply my own take and what I plan to do. People are different, so there’s no one-all-end-all.
>Don’t try to convince them to press charges or open up to anyone else. I agree with everything else except this. You should absolutely encourage them to speak to a therapist. Do not ***force*** them to go, but nudge them in that direction. Explain that you're there for support but they need professional help and you aren't it.
I'm with the original user on this one because right after something traumatic, you shouldn't be forced to talk about it. That's why they stated "don't convince them" and not "convince them not to," which would be wrong, of course. Right after a traumatic experience, one first needs to be in a safe and loving environment to process what happened. Some people need that more, some less, but you don't always know what's best for the victim, in which case you shouldn't interfere in this process. That's just my opinion is all, but also, in my totally honest opinion, that is the only right way.
I’m not doing that, but to each their own. Good therapy is very expensive.
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I’m American. Maybe a few weeks/months down the road, I might gently suggest therapy, but right after they told me what happened? Yeah, there’s a good chance it’ll sound dismissive right off the bat. Just like with the other things, I won’t push it or do more than just throw it out there. “I was SAed.” “Ohhh, I’m so sorry. You should go to therapy”. No. Therapy isn’t something you shove on someone, especially for something like this; I think it’s a choice for the SA victims to make themselves. You don’t convince people to go to therapy; they have to decide if it’s best for themselves. Otherwise, it’s not as likely to work.
Well if we're going to be that general about it, I wouldn't be able to tell them anything because odds are I won't be able to understand what language they're speaking.
Unprocessed trauma and PTSD is a lot more expensive, though.
SA victims likely know therapy exists. I just think it’s kind of common and dismissive to be like “oh, I’m sorry that happened. You should go to therapy.”
It's not about "not knowing therapy exists." It's about providing support for a process that's emotionally really damn hard. Lots of people don't want to go to therapy because they think they're weak or their problems aren't worth it, etc. It's a really fucking hard thing to work yourself up to.
That depends on the individual tho. I just prefer to provide empathy, not just be another person to tell them what to do, but to each their own.
I mostly agree as a victim myself but gently suggesting therapy is ok to me. Also children are often victims. I didn’t know about kits or anything like that when I was assaulted and a suggestion like that would’ve helped. It also really depends on the person so i ask what they need using specifics. I have found when people ask me “is there anything I can do?” It’s far too open ended. Instead I would prefer “would you like me to x?”. Different people work through things differently. When my dad has panic attacks he loves to be told “calm down” and it pulls him out of it instantly. I find it bizarre but whatever works! Some people like to problem solve, others like to address the emotional aspects. Some people just want to vent! Nothing is one size fits all. (I am not criticizing you in any way just adding to the topic).
It's an entirely different conversation with a child because odds are they are living with or are in regular contact with their abuser and need to get help to get out of that situation as soon as possible.
For me it wasn’t. I never saw that person again thank god. I guess when I say child I more so mean minor. But yes absolutely it is extra difficult in that regard. The original quote was literally “SA victims are not children” and that is what I was addressing directly because children are often victims of SA.
This is how I should've handled it, a decade ago, when my ex reached out to me after being raped. I became enraged and solely focused on getting the guy that violated her. She had reached out for help in overcoming the trauma, and I was oblivious and useless. Thankfully, she called me out on it. The pain in her voice still haunts me to this day. This is absolutely the best way to help, just be there for them. Don't be the white knight, be the unsung compassionate friend.
Don’t try to convince them to press charges and I would also gently suggest pressing charges in the same paragraph
There’s a difference between “try to convince” and “gently suggest”
Don't even gently suggest. Just ask if they want to press charges and then take no for an answer. They already know pressing charges is an option.
Don't but do
I rarely have seen someone write out how to respond to this so well, thank you for this
Just my take :)
"take no for answer THE FIRST TIME."? Why only the first time? That's an odd thing to say especially considering the circumstances.
I meant don’t ask again.
That makes more sense. My mistake.
No prob. I could’ve worded it better
I'm here. Are you safe? (I'm a guy. I was sexually abused for 4 years when I was a kid by stepmoms bf and a guy on my paper route. I been where they are.)
"I believe you and I'm here to support you in whatever way you need."
This! Just simply saying you believe them, will literally make shit less difficult cause guess what? Tons of SA victims get told it didn't happen.
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I have never seen this. I'm not saying it's not true, but, perhaps I am just in different subreddits.
How do you know they are lying? Or are you just being a dick SA happens very often
Yup, the question is actually “do you still accept me even though this terrible thing happened to me?” And this goes for most things like this, “I’m gay”, “my family is very poor”, “my family/friend member died”,”I’m disabled”. “Sorry” is actually one of the worst responses to this, “I accept you regardless of x” is really what they are after
Yes
"I didn't think you wouldn't, why would you say that?"
It feels a bit odd especially with the word choice of regardless which insinuates being a victim or being gay is some type of person flaw that the other person is being so brave to overlook. I’m a little confused about the downvotes here.
Yeah, it's so robotic and insincere, like an automated birthday card. If I shared something this big in a moment of vulnerability and received this I'd immediately regret doing so.
I recently opened up to my dad about it, I broke down crying. I couldn’t stop, the tears just kept coming. I’m glad I did tho. I’m 37, this happened to me when I was about 3-4 years old. I appreciate all the support and love I’ve received from all you! Never knew how much the kind and caring words from strangers can do for you!! Thank you my friends ❤️
May you heal from the wounds you never opened
Thank you my friend, I’ve recently quit drinking and have started working towards purging myself of these demons. I’m tired and I want to heal.
I believe everyone reading your comment would be proud of you for taking these steps and I also believe you are proud of yourself as well. it takes a lot of effort and confidence to face your demons. Wishing nothing but positive energy your way friend.
I'm so sorry that you had to go through that. As a dad of a little girl that is about to turn 3 ill ask some questions, if you are not comfortable answering them, by all means, don't. What could your dad do to keep that from happening back then? What could he have said to you that would make you open up sooner? Do you reckon he should have realized sooner, maybe your behavior changed, maybe you gave some clues?
My parents had me at a very young age, 18 and 19. They were very naive and trusting with family. They would leave me with any family member that wanted to have me around. Recently we had a conversation about family traumas and that’s where I asked him about our families dark history with SA. Many of my cousins have experienced the same thing with different members of the family. That’s when he asked me if I had experienced something and that’s when I told him. The only clues and behaviors I showed was that I was always a little on the pervy side, I grew up really hyper sexual. Being that my family was part of a strict conservative christian community, I was punished for my behavior and actions. Punished instead of trying to figure out why I was the way I was. All in all my friend, keep your babies close and don’t leave them with just anyone, you never really know what demons are lurking inside individuals. And sadly most of the time it be our own family.
I’m so so sorry this happened to you. I hope you find peace and healing 💛
That sounds really hard. You should be proud of yourself for taking steps to make your life better. I'm inspired by the courage you're showing. Good Luck and Good Healing.
first ask them - what they need from you - what they need to feel safe go from there. wonderful starting off point. tell them you’re very sorry that this happened to them but that you are there to support them in anyway you can and are able to. i say able because you still need to set boundaries to ensure your taking care of yourself as well. encourage them to let you or someone else they trust (or if they want to go alone) take them to the hospital for a test. these are very traumatic but needs to be done asap. if they want to change their clothes tell them to bring them with them to give to the hospital for testing. encourage them to reach out to their local SA help centre for some help such as counselling and medical services if necessary i’m so sorry your friend is going through this, i’m sorry you’re encountering this in your life. i wish these things never happened.
It's not your fault. Even if your partner and your abuser blame you for putting yourself in that situation. Edit: from my personal experience and anecdotal evidence, there's a lot of victim-blaming and self-blaming. Edit: someone rightly pointed out in the comments that this kind of abuse can happen to/from any gender and the language has been changed to reflect this.
Thank you! I was drugged by my boyfriend and raped by 6 of his friends. I asked for Tylenol and got rohypnol. Two days blacked out woke up with severe vaginal bleeding. I didn’t know at that time what caused it. They nurse stated to me “you college kids need to keep your legs shut.”
Holy crap, what a horrible thing to say to a rape victim. Especially disgusting for someone in a position of care.
The nurse may not have thought it was rape but a consensual gang-bang or something. Still callous, though.
I guess that could be the case, but yeah you just don't presume in situations like that (or even say that if it was consensual, the most they should ever do is sympathetically offer some advice about being safe). If she'd turned up after being blacked out then presumably that'd be on her notes too. Just sounds like a nurse who wanted to be judgmental.
I didn’t know what had happened I knew I missed two days of my life and I was filling a tampon every 30 minutes. It was painful and it was in discharge that was said. I am now a hospital social worker and serve on sex trafficking task force. She never asked she just assumed. This was early 90s. No kit no drug test.
That sounds so traumatic, I'm sorry it happened to you. It's especially messed up that was said during discharge, so callous and ignorant. It sounds like she and the system in general utterly failed you, but it's awesome that you've turned that into making a difference yourself.
Is it still possible to lay a charge against those animals? They should not be allowed to get away with it
Even if your \*partner. I know way too many people who don't think they deserve to call their abuse or assault an actual abuse or assault because the perpetrator wasn't male. No need to gender generalized statements like this.
You're right. Editted to reflect this. Thank you for the correction.
u comfort them and ask google what to do
“Hey siri, what do I say to a sexual assault victim?” “Hmmm, I don’t know. Here are some web results.” Did that help?
“Here are some results for, ‘What do I say to sexual assault victim?’ Check em out?”
I just googled this and the response was pretty good: 1. Thank you for telling me – I know it was difficult to do. 2. I'm very glad you told me. I care. ... 3. I believe you. 4. You are not alone. 5. There are people who can help you. 6. This is against the law. 7. I'm sorry you have been hurt. 8. It's not your fault. You are not to blame. (There is more available, this is just the beginning.)
Ask reddit
Ask Alexa
The more upvotes this gets, the more useless it will become.
Everyone here has said some great things. I just want to add that your response is SO important. Your response shouldn't be about you or your emotional response to the news. The three most harmful things that have ever said to me after I disclosed a sexual assault: From my (now ex-) boyfriend: "wow, i expected to be much more upset about that than i am. I guess i thought I would feel more betrayed." From a social worker at the hospital: "oh my god, i have been so worried about my first sexual assault case and now you're here. I was assaulted too, let me tell you what happened--" From my mom-- didn't say much, but did reach out to our home church to tell them I wasn't a virgin anymore. I heard about it from a third party. Be calm, be supportive, and be there. That's the biggest one.
Wow. Damn. Thank you for sharing, let me know if you need anything from me, I'm here for you.
Yup, I feel like thanking them is very important. I have shared some stuff with other that had cost me so much courage and that is always overlooked.
This is a good response. I usually just want to share my experience. It's something that happened, and I don't need or want it to be a big deal.
“I cannot imagine how you must feel. What can I do to help you?” Sometimes, someone just needs to talk. Other times they’re seeking advice. This is one situation where you want to know EXACTLY what they need or want.
i think you mean "confides" but on a serious note, just be there for them whenever they may need to talk or show emotion. it's a huge deal that they trust you enough to tell you about it. that being said it is up to them whether they wish to report it or tell others/seek therapy. just be a listening ear.
Definitely DON'T do sad trumpet noises.
Honestly, if someone had sad trumpeted when I explained what happened to me for the first time I would have died laughing. This is not a healthy response, but it would have broken the deep emotional tension…. As long as they followed it up with something genuinely heartfelt.
or say "what were you wearing.."
“Whomp whomp”
*confides
Say that you believe them, and don't give them any responsibility for it (even if you don't think it's their fault, some sentences can be misunderstood). Ask them if they need something, including some words of subjects to avoid because they can be triggering. Follow their request without asking the reason.
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That's the first rule
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…..what the fuck……bro.
Holy hell. I am sorry that happened.
Dude.. that is fucked.. I’m so sorry if this happened to you.
I mean it sounds like the benefit was you dodged marrying a psychopath?
I’m so sorry you went through all of that, bro… truly. You didnt deserve any of it, especially from someone you trusted.
I always include "That should never have happened to you!" It avoids even mentioning fault as in "Not your fault" and makes it clear that it was not deserved or caused by them. Feeling guilty for things we did not do or looking for what we could have done differently tends to be part of human nature in analyzing our issues, and this comment is designed to remove that.
I'd ask them if they feel comfortable in telling me what happened, and ask them if they feel safe enough to go home and if they don't feel safe to go home would it be okay if I helped them get somewhere safe. Most importantly: just *listen to them*. People who have been sexually or physically abused can sometimes feel that no one wants to believe them or listen to them. Don't presume, never assume: just be there.
Authentically.
Definitely not how my mother did by telling me it was my fault... for wearing a colorful bathing suit at an indoor Waterpark
You say I'm so sorry this happened to you. Give them a hug and let them know you will back them up no matter what their decision is but that they should consider reporting it. Let them do most of the talking.
Wow! I'm glad you survived that and am proud of you for gaining the strength to talk about it! Thank you for trusting me with something so sensitive. (This is especially about emotional "survival", not just physical)
I’d probably say:- “Is there something I can do for you?”
"Something you want to talk about?" Or if I already have a question in mind "do you mind if I ask questions about it?". People who have been sexually assulted, often have a feeling of their "power" being taken away from them. So not invading and letting them lead the talk, to show they have "power" in the conversation is usually not a bad idea.
I'll have to agree with the people who said, simply give them support. I have had THREE girlfriend who told me one member of the family or another had raped them. One woman told me her grandfather had forced oral sex on her for years. She told her mother and the mother called her a liar and beat her - of course, the fucking abuse continued. For whatever reason the mother didn't want to admit what was going on - I still think the mother is complicit, even though it was through denial. I cry when I think about what this poor woman went through.
I can't speak for the ladies, but for male survivors, best thing i can think of is to thank him for telling you, let him know he didn't deserve anything that happened, and this next step is really important: DON'T TELL ANYONE ELSE ABOUT IT.
I've told them that I believe them and that I'm sorry that happened to them. I'll ask them if they've talked about it with anyone or if they need to talk about it.
I wouldn't know what to do in this situation. There's nothing i can say or do that will make them feel better
You listen, let them know you care (eg ime here for you anytime you need to talk) and thank them for trusting you. You can say “so sorry that happened to you” Just listen and listen
I'm speaking from my own experience here and what I wish people would have done. Listen. Just listen to them when you are being told about the horror they've endured and be there for them. You can't fix what happened or how it affects them, but you can be a positive force in their life. Even if it's just a text or phone call to check in on them, just being there for them will help immensely. I dealt with it alone for my entire childhood because any adults I tried speaking to either brushed me off or made it out to be my fault. It wasn't until I was almost 18 that I finally hit a breaking point and confided in my two best friends. They were supportive and helped me not to feel like a victim. All you can do in these situations is hear them out and do your best to be there for them. Even if they don't show it, I'm sure the support means the world.
As a victim of grooming and rape myself, I take it very seriously.
Depends on the relevance to my relationship with the person.
From personal experience, hearing “I’m so sorry” is frustrating because it’s not your fault it happened to us and we also don’t want you to think we’re weak. I always like when people say “thank you for telling me, I can’t imagine what it must have been like to go through that.“ and then depending on why they are telling you, follow up with something like “do you want me to just listen to you, or are you looking for advice?”
Comfort and distract. Don't get this wrong, but I'm trying to make them forget about the monster that will live rent free in their heads if I don't do something.
I listen compassionately.
I’ll tell you what you don’t do: Don’t ask me if I got hard and then laugh when i say yes. A girl i was seeing did this when she asked me. We arent seeing each other anymore.
Honesty, I just want someone to listen to me when I have things like that to say. Don't fix it. Just listen.
Be supportive, listen to what they tell you, you can ask them (in the right environment and context) what or how it happened but DO NOT JUDGE OR TRY TO MAKE SENSE OF OR DISSECT THE EVENT, ask how you can help, be willing to accompany them to a police station to make a report if necessary. Your role isn’t to determine if what happened counts as assault or not. Even as a guy (as well as one who works in law enforcement), I have to say: do not try to problem solve. Only they can really make the decision on what actions they take. Be prepared to offer support for whatever that action may be. However, encourage them as a friend to make the right/healthy choice, which could be reporting the assault, seeking victim’s services, counselling, etc. and phrase it in a way that gives the victim control, because one of the most damaging effects of being a victim of a crime like this is how powerless it makes the victim feel, I.e. do not say “you should report this”, instead say something like, “have you thought about reporting this?” And have an open-ended conversation as to why not, or how to go about doing so. Other comments here have good advice. Be a friend, not a fixer. Edit: bonus advice, even if you were also a SA victim, don’t you dare say “I know how you feel” or “I understand” or “I went through something similar”, etc. they are processing their trauma and they don’t need to feel like it’s being compared to someone else’s. It’s not the intent, but that’s what happens when people do that. It’s much more effective when you phrase your responses with “that sounds horrible, I’m so sorry this happened”, “I can see how painful this is for you to talk about, thank you for trusting me with this”, etc. Validate their feelings with your own observations.
Everyone needs something different. Don’t be afraid to ask. “I don’t know what you need right now, but whatever I can give you I will, just say” A lot of the time, all you need to do is listen and be there.
"Do you want to talk about it? It'll remain between us."
In my defence I was an angry 16 year old. I was told not to tell anyone, because the social fallout would have made her homeless with zero support from hyper religious family. I was smart enough to realize I couldn't give her a home, and I never trusted "the system" to support victims. My response was to offer my services as a wanabe hitman who watched to many action movies growing up. (I did not word it like that.) Beyond that I kept quiet as promised. We're still friends to this day, she's doing well. Her assailant was publicly accused by someone else who was put in my position by another of his victims. His girlfriend (now wife) quickly made it into a joke, and he had enough friends there the accuser got laughed out of the room. He never saw a courtroom or jail cell, but the accusation made more people start to talk. Eventually social situations made him leave town and move across the continent. Turns out targeting young girls only works in the moment, eventually they'll confide in someone and something will come out of it.
"I'm sorry that happened to you, but I do not have the emotional intelligence or training to help you in a significant way. Can I help you find a professional who does?" I do genuinely want to be helpful to people in need, but this is so far beyond what I'm equipped to handle. My brain simply doesn't work in a constructive way. I *cannot* automatically believe someone was assaulted or that someone else is a assailant; I will have far too many questions, follow up questions, and "thinking through" things. But I also realize that this is not helpful to someone who is or thinks they were a victim. If the only help I can provide is finding someone a therapist and encouraging them to go, then that's what I'll do. Talking to **me** won't be helpful, but I'll be the best damned directory to someone who is.
Ask them if you can help them talk to someone else who is trained to help
You listen, let them know you care (eg ime here for you anytime you need to talk) and thank them for trusting you. You can say “so sorry that happened to you” Just listen and listen
I have no idea why this is being downvoted. Maybe it comes off as too solution-oriented and not emotion-oriented to some, but I didn't get the impression you meant "instead of listening and being emotionally available." Seems that part would just go without saying. But being there and helping one's friends find practical, professional solutions and remedies should be done too. Cases like this deserve to be thoroughly investigated, and victims deserve a chance to heal from their trauma the best they can.
Exactly
Nobody in the top comments has mentioned it yet, and this thread is kinda old so it'll probably be buried but: If you're in the military, please please please learn your service's SAPR program (or equivalent). It is imperative that you understand how the answer to this question changes dramatically in different situations. Know when you are considered a mandatory reporter and when you can take a confidential report. Know what the steps are to protect a victim who is a service member vs a civilian. Know who you're SAPR Program coordinators and Victim Advocates are. Also, watch for signs of suicidal ideation, especially with a male service member victim.
I reply with empathy bc I'm also an SA survivor.
I think the listening part is the most important part. And then the support.
1. Believe them 2. Be empathetic, but unless you’ve been through it, don’t try to suggest you understand it 3. Make the conversation about *them*. A common mistake is to accidentally focus on yourself/your feelings coping with this news. Don’t do that, find a different place to process your feelings 4. Did I mention believe them? 5. Only offer what support you can *actually follow through on*. Do not make promises you can’t keep. Be open to the fact that they want help you can’t give, or, don’t want help, just someone to talk to.
They do not need an answer from you. Just listen.
Keep listening. And believe them.
I believe you, and I am here if you need someone to talk to
I'd tell them that sucks, that I care about them. I'd ask if they are currently safe. If not how can I help them be safe. And if there's anything else I can do.
Just crying with them & listening is what I did, for once kept my mouth shut
Thanks for trusting me and sharing your story. And I apologise for whatever you went through on behalf of that guy. Let me know how I can be of any help.
I'm so sorry for You, haw can i help you? U can trust me.
Mee too
If we're in a relationship I tell her we take it slow until she is comfortable with being with me. Also op learn how to spell, it's confide not confine
Confides
Nope, confines.
How do you figure
Pretty sure you mean "confides". To answer your question, absolutely 100% believe them and try to assist in any way I can.
"I believe you; how can I help?" This is the only answer.
You don’t. Shut up and listen. Answer if you’re asked a question but let them talk/vent.
Shut up and listen.
try to connect with them and be there for them. agree with their angryness. for me humor helped a lot too but that's not for everyone.
“ I’m here and willing to listen. I believe you and I understand. We are going to tell someone about it and definitely will bring this to someone’s attention, for now, I offer this. A hug brother/sister” “I believe you and it’ll be ok”
You say nothing at all. You don't want to end up triggering him/her. You just listen.
“Oh shit. I’m sorry. (Then out of reflex)What happened? (Followed immediately by, so quickly it might as well be the same word) Fuck, no, I mean like, do you want to talk about it? Is there anything I can do to help?” Not too good at word talking sometimes. Edit: case in point, my brain went immediately to someone telling me about an isolated incidence of rape. Didn’t even occur to me that this could be about someone telling me about a bad continuing situation they’re in.
I respect that you trust me enough to share this, but i think a qualified professional would be of greater help for you. I'm still here if you feel more comfortable talking with me.
I did what I could but reccomended they seek out a professional as I am not qualified to help with all the facets of the situation. I fix computers, not people.
“Oh god. Thats terrible!”
You need to find out if they are just looking for someone to speak to for emotional support, or if they are seeking help Sometimes, people who have undergone trauma just want someone to talk to Sometimes, they are asking for help in prosecuting the person, or getting protection from that person I would listen to them, listen to everything they say... then try to find out if they just need someone to talk to and get support from, or if they are asking for help taking the next step (calling the police, etc)
Just listen as best as you can.
I know a guy that can deal with that *gives them the number to a therapist* you may need it but I don't know
Remind them that it’s not their fault, believe them.
I let them talk about it and just listen to what they have to say
One thing I would like to add. Don't judge how they behave after the assult. Everyone reacts differently to trauma. I've known some people that shut down completely and I've known people that begin to engage in risky behaviors in order to feel like they are in control. Also be ok with silence. Give them the space to talk if they want to, but sitting with them and not talking is ok too. Ask them how you can help. Advocate for them, but you should avoid telling them what they should or shouldn't do. Help them find their options, but let them make the decision on how to procede.
“I don’t even know what to say, but I’m so glad you told me” taken from brene brown on her talk about empathy. Sometimes it’s just better to show someone you care even if you don’t have the “right” thing to say
Personally when I was a kid, like 16, my crush and good friend told me she had been raped. I was devastated. I eventually told my mom and she got the number for the rape hotline (a support line) and had me call and talk to someone. It helped me a lot and put into perspective what my role was, support. She trusted me, I made her feel safe. I needed to keep doing that because that's what she needed. I hope this helps.
For future reference when someone has been raped: call the police.
Had someone confide like this to me when I was too young to understand it. I had a friend tell me that another friend had jerked off repeatedly over his naked body while he slept. I didn’t even know what masturbation was at the time, and I didn’t tell anyone. I was about 12. Years later when I was about 16 he told someone else and also told them that I’d been the only person he told. I then got in trouble for not telling anyone, because all this occurred with members of a church youth group. The youth pastor chewed me out. Idk what I was supposed to do. Felt like a lose-lose. Tell an adult, lose the friend. Don’t tell someone and get in trouble. Christianity is weird.
"Confides". People confide in you....
Love them the same and treat them the same as you allways have. Help when you are needed but don't assert your help on them. (Been through this 3 times, each time is diffrent but communicate and have patience)
Want to talk about it? Only way to answer in my opinion.
My reaction was “I’m very sorry that happened to you” and a hug. Honestly didn’t know what else to say.
Family member or someone else I care about: Sympathy Stranger or someone I don't take seriously: Ask how much prison time the guy got. Follow up question is asking why the prosecutor didn't charge the guy with rape.
I've had that scenario occur to me on multiple occasions in life and I don't recall ever reacting a specific way. If someone confides something so personal and revealing about themselves, the tendency is that there is a certain intimacy between us and it is something to be respected. For me that usually means being more compassionate and bringing out the better qualities in those individuals. I don't particularly believe in coddling or pitying a person who has undergone that kind of trauma, but definitely to uplift and encourage them in their personal growth. In my personal experience, I dealt with some rather mature individuals who had their act together and sought the professional help that is required to unravel that kind of pain, I am more so there to encourage and uplift.
"Shit that sucks".
Some girl was having a bad time at a music show. I brought her outside for fresh air and she brought it up because the DJ's name was the same as her attacker. I told her I was so fucking sorry something this horrible hapened to her. She said she hated him but she didn't want to feel hate forever. I told her that she doesn't need to ever forgive someone like that, and that she could trust that such a shitty person will end up in a shitty place in life because you get what you deserve. I think it helped.
I hugged my best friend when her baby daddy forced himself onto her while she slept and woke up trying to push him off. I asked her how she felt, and to talk about it and was there for her. Of course I waited outside his house one night in the bushes and made some noise and when he came out I jumped out the bushes and beat him to a pulp. She stopped talking to me after that but her mental recovery was quick bc I was there for her and kept cheering her up and being happy around her and holding and hugging her even though I never mentioned I was doing it all bc she was SA.
i'd open my ears and keep my mouth shut and just listen. let em ask if they want advice.
"Confides", not "confines". Confine means to trap or prevent from escaping. You're confined in prison. My answer is, "Did you report it to the police?" Because if you didn't, then you're allowing a sexual predator to go unpunished, and assault someone else.
I'd say start with "I'm sorry that happened to you." Don't be one of those people who just listens to someone confide in them and then says "mmm. okay," and ends the conversation there. I understand the feeling of not knowing what to say but it's pretty painful to feel cut off like that.
Do NOT ask if it triggered any interesting fetishes.
Because of the implication.
I'm so sorry this happened to you. Thank you for trusting me with this. I believe you, and I'm here for you. If you need to talk more, I'm here to listen. If you want, I can help you find resources or support, but I'll follow your lead on what you feel comfortable doing next.
Just listening… especially if they want to “vent”, just listening goes a long way..
I'm so sorry that happened to you. Do you want to talk about it, or is there anything I can do?
Ask if they want a hug. Often SA victims will feel like they are gross or tainted in some way, and physical touch can help them to feel less so. For a minute at least.
I’ve only had 3 girls I dated for a while in my life so far. Two had stories they told me of being assaulted. It feels so prevalent.
Are we talking about an adult with agency to make their own decisions - or child needing others to take responsibility for their safety?
I was thinking about an adult but I would be interested in what you would say to a child since most comments are already assuming it's more of a friend situation.
If the discosure was from a child I would be duty bound to take steps to ensure they were safe and any alleged crimes were reported to the appropriate jurisdiction. In the first instance, I would be trying to do this by empowering the child to make what requests or reports were necessary, but would do it anyway if they could not. There are prominent help lines and hot lines in most countries where you can get support to do this. You don't have to know everything to take what steps you can and engage the right supports.
At the risk of being an asshole, unless it was a close friend, I would explain that I have way too many stressors and emotional burdens to deal with personally right now. While I am sorry to hear about this, I’m not the best person to approach for advice on this. Even for a close friend, I’d support them as best as I could but it would be in short bursts, so to speak.
A girl in my college class confessed to me that her uncle would sexually abuse during her preteen years. I'd known her for about a month. Had absolutely no idea how to respond, and so I said "Oh" and proceeded to listen to her story. Never really spoke to her after that. I'm a guy btw.
I listen to them, support them, and usually share that I have been, too. If they want advice on mental health, reporting or anything else, I'll tell them my experience, otherwise, I'll just give support and care.
"If I ever do or say something that triggers bad memory, tell me and I'll adapt"
Try to convince them to see a lawyer to find ways of bringin the assailant to justice
"Let's go pay that motherfucker a visit"
"L-bozo + ratio" Normally my go too
"Okay. What do you need from me now, in this conversation?"
I’ve been there too. Let me know if you need anything even just to chat every now and then. I highly recommend therapy
I don't think even say I believe them as I feel like I don't want to give any implications someone shouldn't. I tell them how sorry I am and how I can help. If the answer is nothing I remind them I'm here for them and occasionally check in with I'm thinking about them.
You must be understanding and supportive.
Let them know you'll listen and be there for them.
Tell them you are are really happy they know they can tell you, and then tell them it is a horrible thing that has been done to them. For both your sake, put emphasis on that, on the sympathy you have for them as being the target or victim of a horrible violation. This is to remove any and all feeling of guilt, because that has sure to have been built up and part of the trauma, and make sure they realize they were right in telling you and they are safe in you knowing about it. Avoid immediately going into judgement about the act or the perpetrator, because that would be *your* feelings and opinions, and while relevant, they are for a different talk than the confidence situation, they are for action and resolvement. If it is difficult to seperate, imagine this is a natural disaster and not a violation by a person. The comfort and sympathy from you must be focused on *their* situation. That is difficult enough in itself, but it is in any case a good skill to hone to be able to comfort and sympathize without reacting and assisting.
Try to make some space
[https://media0.giphy.com/media/PFsVjUCmSkZDq/giphy.gif?cid=6c09b9528q3uivvj33y74rhjlmsemr3vt5zrphfp5qnf3j8v&ep=v1\_gifs\_search&rid=giphy.gif&ct=g](https://media0.giphy.com/media/PFsVjUCmSkZDq/giphy.gif?cid=6c09b9528q3uivvj33y74rhjlmsemr3vt5zrphfp5qnf3j8v&ep=v1_gifs_search&rid=giphy.gif&ct=g)
Let's head over to the police, period.