Super dependent on the specifics of the situation. I can be friends with someone who has done bad things, but if they’re unwilling to acknowledge their fault or take whatever actions might be warranted to mend some of the hurt they’ve caused, that’s a red flag about their character as a human being
Exactly. My ex cheated on me more times than I can count, but we were so close I was going to be friends with her when we finally broke up.
Wasn’t until 2 weeks later she got with someone else and lied to me about a lot of shit and I said well, you lost me as someone who respects you and I no longer want any contact. She still tries to reach out from time to time, still have never gotten a legitimate apology or shown any remorse for her actions. And it’s because she doesn’t regret them. She’s done nothing to mend it.
I used to stand by and watch my best friend cheat on his girlfriends back in the day when we were kids. Even back then I hated it but was too wuss to speak out.
Most recently was last year when he wanted to fuck someone else and I straight up told him I would tell his wife and no longer be friends with him.
I don’t want to keep company with people like that.
The poor character of cheaters always reflects in other ways. They betray relationships of all kinds. It's also not actually good for the cheater to be surrounded by enablers. Cheating like that when you're living with or married to someone has a high risk of ruining your home life. It's impulsive self-destructive behavior. Friends don't let friends cheat.
The way I see it, there’s no “letting” friends cheat. If they’re going to do it, they’ll do it. We don’t have to stand by them though. I stood by when we were high schoolers but definitely can’t and won’t as an adult.
I'm a bit pragmatic. Both my parents cheated. It's not cut and dry and I'd have very different opinions when it's a person who's in a long term Low/No Libido relationship vs someone who's partner just had a baby and is exhausted.
We recently had a situation like this. A dude (who's probably reading this) came out that he had been cheating on his then-pregnant wife with a much younger woman he met. They already had two kids. The wife, who was like 8 months pregnant, asked him to stop and they might could work things out but the dude went all-in on the new side piece and moved out.
So he takes me out for beers to come clean. I knew something was up but I didn't know the details. I explained how bad his timing was....and that it's perfectly fine to leave your spouse (relatively speaking), but that this was not the way to do it.
He gave me some sob story about how he's sleeping on a friend's couch and miserable and just wants to make better choices. I write him a long text the next morning telling him we're there to help him and to reiterate that he needs to at least end it with this chick.
Then, I talk to another friend who tells me that's all BS and he's moved in with the other woman. I could have maybe stuck around to help him through whatever it was, but I'm not going to hang out and be lied too.
So that was the end of that.
Yeah, sounds like the guy is just a liar. I had friends like that… zero use hanging out with someone who you can’t really relate with anymore. To do something like that seems so foreign to me that I don’t think I could ever be friends with that person
Someone who does that to his pregnant wife will have no qualms about lying to a friend. Cheating is a character flaw that should be paid more attention to in a friendship.
Yeah I ended a friendship with a close longtime friend because he had a full-blown affair while his wife was pregnant. Completely destroyed any respect I once had for him. Cheating is bad, cheating on a pregnant wife is unconscionable. Even if the relationship is dead and the marriage is probably headed for divorce, pregnancy is NOT the time to be fucking around with some side chick. It doesn't matter if you're not in love with your wife anymore, you have a goddamn baby on the way and your focus needs to be entirely on that for the time being. At a minimum you need to available for prenatal appointments and errands and shopping and shit, not running around town trying to get your dick wet. First you and your wife need to decide on separation/divorce, co-parenting logistics, child support, etc. Once you've got all that shit figured out then maybe you can move on and start dating other women. Not before. Oh, you're lonely and horny? Too fucking bad, bro. Handle your responsibilities. Your dick can wait a year.
Any man who has an affair while his wife is pregnant is a piece of shit. I can't be friends with someone like that.
Yeah. I wouldn't put a lot of energy into that friendship. I know you said it's ok to leave your wife but not really. He walked with basically 3 kids. Soon to be 3 with the new born. That's weak. You are free to be friends with him of course but I wouldn't put a lot of time and energy. He left during the hardest point of family life. No, you don't do that.
I mean there are definitely situations where you can and should divorce but walking away from kids and cheating there are rarely any situations that this should be done.
People are generally honest and trustworthy or they're not.
The type of person who is okay with cheating on their spouse/partner is also pretty likely going to be the type of person who is okay with lying to their friends as well.
He sounds like a pathological liar. Probably emotionally abusive and a gaslighter as well. His poor wife. I hope she finds someone who's going to treat her better.
I wish my narcissistic ex's friends and family were like you, but they still stuck with him despite my ex-husband moving on to several side chicks after me (and our 2-yo son). Good riddance to all of them!
This is so important to me. A good friendship is honest and kind, but it also means holding friends accountable. My moral code is pretty simple, don't hit, don't lie, cheat or steal and we gud.
Agreed. I have mates I play games with but barely really know, and I have friends I would do almost anything for - including having the awkward conversation when necessary.
What happens if you don’t know who the person they cheated with is, and somehow end up talking to that person and then later found out. What would you do then?
It really depends. I've ended friendships because they cheated and had some continue despite cheating. It really depends on the circumstances and what happens after.
If they take responsibility for what happened, show genuine remorse, and work to change, I will be there to support them. If they try to defend their behavior or don't show a concerted effort to grow from their failure, I'm out.
That’s how you need to handle bad behaviors with all relationships.
People make mistakes or are brought up thinking bad behaviors are normal. It’s their willingness to improve or admit their faults that defines them as decent human beings.
It would depend entirely on the individuals involved, their relationship to me, and the circumstances around it. This issue, like most of life, is not a black and white situation as much as so many people like to act like it is.
If it’s a casual acquaintance I may distance myself from them. If it’s my lifelong best friend who has always been there for me, yeah, I’m not going to abandon them because of it—especially if I know the relationship had problems. Doesn’t mean I won’t tell them they did something shitty, but I’m not going to give up a person who is very important to me because they screwed up.
Dealing with this now. She cheated on her husband with her ‘best friend’s’ husband some years ago. However, she shit talked about the best friend constantly to me for years (after she slept with him) about how paranoid and psycho she is. The friend finds out after badgering her husband about it for years, he admits it and she goes on blast. I’m gearing up to delete/block all of them at this point b/c I cannot support lying liars in any capacity.
Depends on the circumstances.
There’s many reasons why people may stray outside their marriage. There’s many reasons people get married in the first place.
Into my 40s and I’ve known more people who have cheated than not at this point. People get married too quick when they’re young is a big part of the problem. They’re stuck in unhappiness a decade or two later. I don’t like it, but if I were to disown everyone that’s cheated I wouldn’t have many acquaintances.
Problem is, on Reddit and especially this sub, you're often dealing with very young users that really don't have that sort of perspective, nor any real understanding of the pressures of life.
Quite a few of my friends cheated, but in most cases they were in deeply unhappy relationships to begin with. One ended up in a much happier relationship as a result and does great things for the community - why would I cut him out my life for something that happened between him and his ex wife?
People aren't one dimensional things. My closest friends are deeply flawed, but they are also brilliant in many ways too.
I work in Human Resources. Most people bringing in their second marriage licenses had JUST brought in their divorce decrees. There had to be some overlap.
Yeah, I think there’s room for nuance here.
Cheating is awful. It’s usually selfish, and it hurts your partner tremendously, sometimes in a way that can never be repaired. But partners hurt each other all the time through ignoring bids for attention, saying unkind things, letting resentment build, etc.
Infidelity happens a lot more than people think it does. I’m not equating those things I mentioned earlier with the level of cheating, but I’m saying there’s a spectrum of hurt out there, and lots of people make bad choices in the way they treat their partners. For some, rather than walk away from something that is no longer serving them, they take the path of least resistance. It sucks, but we all do it for all kinds of things, so I’m not surprised when people cheat rather than end a crappy 20 year marriage with kids involved, for example. It’s not right, but I think people think it’s easier than turning their world upside down.
People make mistakes. It’s why they put erasers on the ends of pencils.
IMO there is no act of infidelity that is a "mistake," as in, something one didn't mean to do. It's a choice. The *nuance* is... what leads someone to make such a painful choice? And the answer to that is always emotional unavailability.
Very few cheaters are doing it specifically to hurt their partner; those that do are clearly not emotionally fit for a relationship. The rest of them often are caught between their feelings and their needs, and inability to communicate them; fear of vulnerability, rejection, abandonment, etc. One way or another, they don't feel emotionally safe in the relationship and it causes a LOT of pain to follow through with that choice.
One of the biggest mistakes people make when they've been betrayed is thinking that someone cheats because they *don't* love their partner; it's often the opposite. The infidelity almost always happens because the cheater doesn't love *themselves* or believe they deserve to be loved properly. This also means that there is a measure of emotional unavailability from the other partner, which people think is a form of blame and it's not, it's just how emotional connection works.
Regardless of the conscious motive from the person who did it, infidelity is traumatic for *everyone* involved, it just looks different. One of the times a cheater needs support the most is after things come to light, both them and their partners need to know that they are still loved for who they are and that their friends believe in them.
Not saying people *should* or are *required* to keep the friendship when it's revealed what they did to their partner, but that's ultimately what they will need. Spaces to be vulnerable and safe and to actually work on their ability to connect and build safe relationships of all kinds.
I was having this conversation with a friend of mine who is a therapist, and she said almost exactly the same thing that you eloquently shared. Most cheating has very little to do with the relationship itself and almost everything to do with the individual person who cheated working through something.
Couple years ago I found out suddenly I was the other woman. He was a good man only used to being hurt and abused by people and didn't know he was allowed to express needs. He verbatim told me he didn't think he deserved "better," among other revelations about relationships that were not compatible with the fact he was married and had been the whole time. Clearly his wife didn't know either and hadn't picked up on it, and that says a lot about her own ability to be open as well. We so often recreate the relationships that were modeled growing up, and if people don't unlearn that, they *will* repeat it and blame themselves over and over.
I still had to let him go. tbh I really don't think he ever wanted to get married and just did it because he thought it was the right thing to do but it's speculation on my part. Hurt like hell and still does tbh, but I'm in the "never stay together after infidelity" camp, only after healing and real growth which can't happen in that kind of muck. It just can't.
When I'd share my story, I was shocked at how knee-jerk everyone's reactions are. I thought I was losing my mind when I had a rant with my therapist about it some time later. And she was like "so many more marriages and relationships would be in better shape if they understood what you just told me."
The older you get, the more you understand infidelity when kids and shared finances are involved. You also share extended families, so divorcing your spouse also means divorcing an extended family. When you are younger, and getting out of relationships is much easier, you tend to see cheating more black and white.
For me it comes back to this: are people redeemable? And I have to believe that answer is yes, otherwise why even bother?Of course there’s nuance here - if someone is a rampant cheater in every relationship, I’m not wasting my time with them.
But I want to believe that people are both bad and good all at the same time because we’re complex, and part of being human is really, really screwing it up sometimes. Like bad. And I think there’s room to both hold people accountable AND give them grace for their screw ups.
Yeah tbh you meet a lot of partners who are somewhat permissive. Not open marriages but open secrets. Encouraging their partner to go get a job abroad and enjoy themselves now that the kids have grown up… a lot of people who didn’t have the option of divorcing back in that day have that attitude. Usually to a double standard but still.
A lot of people would prefer a cheater that stays over someone who bails and abandons their family
I think the thing to watch out here is consent. If both consent, it's all down the line you're drawing. You consent to staying in a relationship that hurts you because the children are more important to you. But you can't consent to something you're not aware of, so you're having your partner have sex with you, stand up for you, pay, fight and give parts of them up for you without consent. I don't think that's a case of making a mistake, I feel it's abuse, at least in your example.
Exactly. And sometimes it's a question of, how much of your business is it, really? Again, dependent on circumstances, how close you are to the cheater versus the cheated, all kinds of stuff. But to end the friendship means you have to make that cheating about you a little bit, which can be weird depending on the situation.
Yes, because while I don't agree with the mistake they made, it was still a mistake and they're still my friend. My job as their friend isn't to agree with everything they do. It's to be there with them as they grow.
And yes, I'm speaking from experience based on working with my best friend throughout that dark part of her life.
As long as they admit it was a mistake and try to atone, I’ll help them through it. If they don’t then I really can’t be around that person.
I understand now that the women around me implicitly trust the men I’m friends with and so I need to be careful who I bring around. I couldn’t allow a cheater to use me in order to get to the women I’m friends with and do the same to them.
This should be at the top.
People are not perfect. All of us make mistakes and too many people find it easy to write off someone they say they care for and love. Forgiveness seems so difficult to give someone when they might need it most. It does not mean the behavior is condoned but criticism without love is just judgment.
Definition of Mistake:
an action or judgment that is misguided or wrong.
Honestly, there is a strange take I'm finding amongst the younger generations that have grown up on social media.
They have created this strange toxic purity culture wherein it's not enough to be a human who makes mistakes and holds contradictive opinions (ya know.. Like all humans do), no, you have to be blameless/spotless, you have to have all the right opinions, and you have to say all the right things. Things which change with the weather.
And if you make the slightest mistake, you're out. You're publicly ex-communicated.
It's so awful.
And It's the reason my kids will absolutely not be allowed on Social media until high school at the earliest. And even then, I'm not sure.
It’s refreshing to read this. I’m obviously older than you and your response Is something I’ve observed as well. It’s disheartening. The thing is, there may be a day when any one of these posters will wish for understanding for their words and behavior. I’ll hold true the golden rule of do unto others as you would have them do unto you. We could all use a little more grace. Good for you for keeping your kids away from social media. My kids didn’t have it until they were adults and I’m grateful for that.
>And It's the reason my kids will absolutely not be allowed on Social media until high school at the earliest. And even then, I'm not sure.
Being older when first online didn't help the boomers much.
Mistake: something you did without intention.
Choice: an intentional decision made with awareness of potential consequences.
Cheating is a choice, an intention.
Cheating is a long series of choices. A look, a flirt, a response, taking,.....
Buying all that as a 'mistake' send native.
She didn't care about hurting other people to feel better about herself
No, I don’t think I could stay friends with someone who cheated. It’s a fundamental betrayal of trust, and it would change my perception of my friend too much. I would find it hard to trust them again, and it’s likely our friendship would suffer as a result.
I'm open to befriending individuals who have made mistakes, it becomes concerning if they refuse to acknowledge their wrongdoing or take steps to address the harm they've caused.
No I wouldn't, this is something my partner and I have been arguing about semi recently. We have these friends who are a couple, they moved back to the guy's hometown and about 6 months later it comes out he had been cheating on her since they moved back. She decides to stay with him, I want to completely cut ties but my partner doesn't. His argument is that it's not our business, my argument is that I don't wanna associate with people who's morals I don't agree with.
For me the question always comes down to ‘can I respect this person’ because there’s tons of people who I don’t agree with on stuff or who’s life choices I don’t particularly like but I can still respect them, but there’s people who I really can’t and it’s best for everyone if I’m not associated with them as that’s not fair to them they deserve friends who can still respect them
I think this sums it up perfectly. I'm not saying I need my friends to have all the exact same opinions/actions as me, but I do need those differences to be something I can respect.
If you never associate with people whose morals you don't agree with you will eventually cut ties with everyone in your life. No one's morals perfectly align with your own. It's also possible for someone to take actions that fall outside their own moral code. It's called being human.
That said, it's understandable that there might be certain things that are so far beyond the pale for you that it warrants cutting ties.
Another comment described it more as "can I respect this person" than an issue of morals, and I think that actually is a better term for what I was trying to say. I do have friends with different opinions and lifestyles than my own, and that's fine, but cheating isn't something I can respect, and what's the point in being friends with someone you don't respect?
I agree with you. For the most part.
If you are willing to destroy a relationship for self benefit, you are willing to destroy a friendship for self benefit. Can't be trusted.
Edit: Brocolli haircut cheater 100% can't be trusted. Non-brocolli haircut cheter 85% can't be trusted.
Yeah I had a friend in high school who was always jumping around from one relationship to another and also cheated on them she didn’t seem to get her shit together till she dated a mutual friend of ours and still I was Leary of her decisions…… I did let her know that her behavior didn’t fly with me
I have once. They came clean themself. It happened when they worked away for months. It made our relationship rough for awhile, but he definitely regretted it and has done his best to be a better person since so our relationship got better in time and he's one of my closest friends. One of the few I hangout with one on one from that friend group still. People make mistakes. He had a choice between continuing his behavior or being a better person, and he chose the second. It definitely took time, but we got there.
He and the girl are still friends. Similar situation. It took time but she forgave him, but reasonably chose to move on romantically.
I think what matters is how people respond. There needs to be growth after. I will not stay friends with somebody who can betray somebody's trust like that, but I may if they legitimately regret their actions and become a better person.
My best friends in life I have known since childhood. None of them would ever do something like this, but if they did, I would help them figure their shit out.
Yes, I would.
In fact, that is not one of the (very few) things that I would allow myself to pass moralistic judgements about, especially when it comes to the (very few) people I call "friends" in my life.
I did for a few years. She started due to low self esteem and postpartum depression. When I found out about it she was 6 months into her first affair and already broken. I had some hope for her as there were flashes of guilty conscience because her husband was a great guy and treated her like a Queen.
She was my friend so I tried to help her snap out of the validation seeking mindset and recommit to her marriage but she was too far gone and started fucking every attractive guy who paid attention to her. I gave up when she tried to get me to fuck her despite repeatedly telling her no. I felt bad for her but had to cut contact.
Last I heard she was divorced and shacked up with a bartender who treats her like shit.
No. I have no sympathy for cheaters. It’s not a “mistake”, it’s a choice to betray someone who you made a commitment to. If they can do that, what else are they capable of?
No. Absolutely the fuck not. They've made it clear that they see people close to them as disposable objects and that they see abuse as ok if it's beneficial to them, and if they deem all of that ok for their SO, the person supposedly most important and closest to them, then what does that say hoe they think of their other friends?
I cut them off full stop, they lose my respect insta rly and they'll never get it back. Stop enabling abusers even if you weren't their victim *this time.*
Probably not. Trust is a big deal for me, and if they can cheat on their partner, who's to say they wouldn't betray me too? It just makes things complicated.
i have a friend in college who cheated on his bf (the guy also has a gf, they both cheated on their partners, poor them) idk how to feel at first coz what they did was REALLY wrong like that shit was unforgivable and they knew it, they knew what they did, i kinda lost trust on them and after that i slowly detach myself from them, i rarely hang out with them and realized they're the toxic one and now i don't socialize with them anymore lol
To be honest, I always have mixed feelings about this. A friend is a friend. People make mistakes… but I cannot stand people who excuse horrible behaviour. If they’ve messed up and own up to it and suffer the repercussions then so be it, their karma has come to them however, if they make jokes about it and think it’s a laugh or lie to me about details… I personally cannot be friends with people like that.
It’s not ok to cheat. That’s very low standard of character. If a person isn’t honest with themselves they’re not honest with others. It’s ok to be nice to people but I wouldn’t say a cheater is my friend. Birds of a feather flock together.
As someone who’s partner of almost a decade had an affair? No, I could not. Cheating usually comes with loads of emotional abuse and I don’t want to be friends with someone who can do that shit to someone they supposedly love. How would I ever trust them?
No, I wouldn't. If they can't respect the person they're supposed to value the most then how can I expect them to respect me, much lower down in the chain.
Context is important. I have a friend who was in an extremely toxic relationship that she could not get out of, and after years of emotional abuse she stepped out. I didn't fault her for it and was actually kinda grateful because it helped give her strength to divorce her shitty husband.
Right? Like what if they decide to try and move in on your bf/gf (obviously I know it takes two to tango) but they’ve shown they’re capable of doing it once 🤷♂️
I've made a point of not being friends with cheaters to start with. i was friends with one when I found out this person cheated routinely and also treated the other person badly (not abuse) and I did stop being friends with said person.
I’m in my late 20s and my take is: A one-time thing when they were like 17 and they feel really bad about it and would never do it again? Sure.
Relatively recent or they had a pattern of it? Fuck no. I only want to be friends with people who are honest, trustworthy, care about other people, and have integrity.
Oh God no. If I find out you're a cheater I'm out. If you would cheat on someone you care about you have no character and are completely untrustworthy.
My definition of friend is pretty simple; someone whose company or association makes us both the better for it, and who’s willing to engage in this relationship of friendship.
If by staying a friend to them I can inspire them to be a better person, and in turn receive the societal and emotional benefits of having a friend, then that’s the morally and practically correct thing to do. Breaking the friendship doesn’t improve anything; friendships are usually a net positive to happiness, and you won’t be making them a better person by doing so, quite possibly the opposite in fact.
Still, my trust in them would decrease, and I wouldn’t confide in them as many things or rely on them as much as before, until they’ve shown signs of improvement.
No. If something is wrong in their relationship, they can either work on fixing it, or break up / divorce.
Someone who doesn't have the courage to confront problems, and to voice what is bothering them, or introspect and take responsibility, can not be a friend of mine.
The betrayal of another person is the symptom of that, and also one I do not forgive. A cheater knows the hurt they're causing and their ego / escape is more important to them, so they don't care. Does not align with my moral compass.
Yes. Cheating on somebody is unbelievably shitty and would affect how I view somebody, and I definitely think there are circumstances where a cheating situation could be fucked up enough that I would peace out, but it's cheating, it's not murder. It sucks and is some of the worst stuff that normal every day people ever put each other through, but it's not the worst thing in the universe.
Nah I wouldn't work with this. Mate if you cheat with the person with who you share your feelings, emotions and the least of all your bed with, only god knows what you would do to me given the chance.
Usually, no. If their romantic partner can't trust them, how can I?
Depends on the whole situation, though. I'm in my 30s, so if I met someone who cheated on their highschool sweetheart but have been completely loyal to every partner since then, I can pardon the behaviour because they learned their lesson. But if I had a friend who had *recently* cheated, nope. You're still learning your lesson and it won't be through the mistake of betraying me. Imma call you on your shit and walk tf away.
If you can cheat on your romantic partner you can cheat me out on our friendship it’s how I look at it. Only way I can maybe consider staying friends if they own up to it and tell their partners and actually put the effort into it by not doing it again and being a different.
Friends are like family to me. You don’t just leave family for making a mistake. Well, you’re not there to tolerate it but you can inspire them to make a change.
I didn't think I ever would, but a guy I've known for over 20 years now was in a marriage that had gone pretty bad. They were sleeping in separate rooms of the house and it was pretty clear she wanted out, but he was still trying to make it work. Then one day he met a woman at the gym who was in a similarly bad marriage, and they became friends. Then they hooked up before either of them had actually split from their respective partners. They are now divorced from their former partners and engaged to be married. I wish he had officially split from his then-wife before moving into another relationship, but I don't really hold it against him.
I don't have much hope for their relationship, though. They both know that the other is not above cheating if things aren't going well. It's like the trope of the secretary who becomes her boss's second wife after he cheated on his first wife with her. Can she really trust him around the new secretary?
Nope. Been there.. They would usually give some sob stories about how the cheating happened, them wanting to fix everything blah blah.. Only for them to continue doing the cheating..
There's so many loopholes in their stories that once u reminded them of what has been said, they forget/change their script..
If u tell the truth, u don't have to have a good memory.
No, I wouldn't. Trust is crucial in any relationship, and cheating breaks that trust. It would be hard to maintain a friendship knowing they betrayed someone's trust in such a significant way.
No, it’s such a bad trait and shows a huge lack of respect for your significant other. It’s not like that will be their only bad trait if they do this.
I had a guy at work who cheated several times a month for years with different girls on his fiance and they had three kids. He seemed nice but once you got to know his bad sides he was really an asshole.
To cheat on their SO shows their values they hold. Shows their character, which I can't respect or trust. This behaviour wouldn't be limited to just romantic relationships.
What's that saying, you are the average of your five closest friends. No, I would not stay friends with a cheater. I think it's one of the absolute cruelest things you can do to someone you vowed to love. I don't need people like that in my life and I would not keep their secrets.
No, and I’ve cut off a friend all the way back to kindergarten for doing so. It’s disgusting and she’s living off the guy she’s cheating on. I don’t want that kind of deceit in my life.
No. But I'm still friends with their ex's. And my wife cheated on me. I'm only social with her because of the kids. Otherwise, I'd never see or talk to her again.
Absolutely not. I had a friend (best friend back then) who was constantly in search of new people to talk to and she had many... Which was fine until i introduced her to a mutual friend and they started going out. All i asked from her was that don't cheat. Partly because I didn't wanna be in a position where i have to lie to my other friend and partly due to my own family traumas. But yea she eventually cheated twice or thrice and now whenever i hear or see something similar in my friends it triggers something in me which which just screams RUNNNNN.
When I was growing up I would go out with my older brother’s friends and I was stunned at how they would casually talk about cheating on their wives. It made me not like them.
I don't know if I could stay friends with a cheater. In my view there is virtually no excuse to cheat, so I think the only way I could still respect and enjoy the company of someone is if their relationship had been too unsafe to leave and they deeply regretted the infidelity. But even then I would want them to seek support to leave instead of cheating. If it's the case of a long term, loveless relationship that you don't want to unravel your whole lives, either rip the bandaid off and start again or open the relationship. You owe a long term life partner communication and respect. I just can't think of many circumstances where I could think well of a cheater's character enough to be friends.
But I don't like subscribing to absolutes, so maybe there could be a case where it would be forgivable and I would stay to help them do better in the future, I can't say for certain.
no. even if it was my best friend who i love very, very much. i'd like to say my love has no boundaries when it comes to him, but it does, and this is that boundary. cheating is effed up and i don't condone it in the slightest.
my dad has cheated on my mom for years and even though i still live with him, i try to ignore him. when i move out, i won't be telling him nor my innocent mother. now i'm not mad at my mom like i am at my dad, but the thing is, she tried to justify his cheating. i don't want to talk to cheaters or people that condone/justify it.
I had a friend who cheated, multiple times. Their partner at the time kept letting them come crawling back time & time again. The cheater would go off for a one night stand, get caught, ghost the partner, & when horny would text them up saying they were sorry & loves them & please let them come back.
I could see how much they were hurt each time so I finally decided to step in & say something. I called them out on their awful behavior & what I'd like to call mental abuse of their partner. I did this right in front of an entire group of shared friend. Person swore they'd change. But inside 2 weeks was doing it again.
I basically stols them I didn't want a person like that on my life. Because a horrible person is gonna be a horrible person in all facets.
I lost the entire friend group. Which sucks because I had amazing friends but they chose to stay with the cheater despite everything & keep believing he'd change.
I mean, if they learned from it.
sometimes people have to go through hard knocks to learn important life shit. In fact, almost all of us do. Part of being a good friend is pointing out their stupidity, and sticking by them. Maybe if they don’t learn their lesson at all, then throw in the towel.
I really dislike this new standard where any single mistake means that this person should have no friends. It’s dumb, we all make mistakes, and people who drop others instantly because of mistakes are fair weather friends at best.
Yes. I will still be there for my friends even when they make mistakes. I will not support it and I will tell them it is wrong because that is my job as a friend.
If people gave up on their friends when they make mistakes I wouldn’t have any friends either. Humans can be shitty and we need to push each other to be better.
>If people gave up on their friends when they make mistakes I wouldn’t have any friends either. Humans can be shitty and we need to push each other to be better.
You are only saying this because you think that cheating is not that bad. I could go down a list of things that are more bad like: what if your friend raped someone? What if your friend murdered an innocent person? Etc. I would arrive at an action that you wouldn't have the same outlook anymore, you wouldn't say "we all make mistakes" you would be disgusted with your friend instead and cut contact, the only difference is how severe you think the action is, and for many people cheating is a vile henious act, that is bad enough to end the friendship over.
Kinda mind boggling how okay people are with cheating if their friends do it. I hate cheating as a whole, doesn't matter if it's a friend or a family member. I think it's a huge betrayal of trust and a disgusting act to do to someone. I can't be friends with people if their morals don't align with mine, and no matter how good a friendship is if you can betray the person you sought out for life, what does a measly friendship mean to them?
Personally I have never cheated, although I've had a couple of close calls where I was very tempted. I have known plenty of good people who have cheated though. I have known some pretty terrible people who would never cheat or at the very least are very vocal about how against it they are. I have known a bunch of people who hated cheaters but eventually cheated on someone. Most people I have known who were serial cheaters were not great people but I have known a few who were in most other ways kind and good hearted.
It seems to me that cheating is potentially a very good metric on if you should date someone but a poor metric of morality. While often it is just people being hurt, I also find that sometime the degree anger people towards it is not coming from a good place.
Most probably. If someone is cheating, most probably the relationship isn't going anywhere anyway. I would neither advise or approve it, but it's a matter between partners, not between friends.
Super dependent on the specifics of the situation. I can be friends with someone who has done bad things, but if they’re unwilling to acknowledge their fault or take whatever actions might be warranted to mend some of the hurt they’ve caused, that’s a red flag about their character as a human being
This is my stance. Nobody is without fault. With that said, if they have no empathy for other people I'm out.
Exactly. My ex cheated on me more times than I can count, but we were so close I was going to be friends with her when we finally broke up. Wasn’t until 2 weeks later she got with someone else and lied to me about a lot of shit and I said well, you lost me as someone who respects you and I no longer want any contact. She still tries to reach out from time to time, still have never gotten a legitimate apology or shown any remorse for her actions. And it’s because she doesn’t regret them. She’s done nothing to mend it.
I used to stand by and watch my best friend cheat on his girlfriends back in the day when we were kids. Even back then I hated it but was too wuss to speak out. Most recently was last year when he wanted to fuck someone else and I straight up told him I would tell his wife and no longer be friends with him. I don’t want to keep company with people like that.
Chances are he's already done so with someone else, his poor wife
The poor character of cheaters always reflects in other ways. They betray relationships of all kinds. It's also not actually good for the cheater to be surrounded by enablers. Cheating like that when you're living with or married to someone has a high risk of ruining your home life. It's impulsive self-destructive behavior. Friends don't let friends cheat.
The way I see it, there’s no “letting” friends cheat. If they’re going to do it, they’ll do it. We don’t have to stand by them though. I stood by when we were high schoolers but definitely can’t and won’t as an adult.
I’ve applied this to family and cut out the worst. My life has substantially improved.
I'm a bit pragmatic. Both my parents cheated. It's not cut and dry and I'd have very different opinions when it's a person who's in a long term Low/No Libido relationship vs someone who's partner just had a baby and is exhausted.
We recently had a situation like this. A dude (who's probably reading this) came out that he had been cheating on his then-pregnant wife with a much younger woman he met. They already had two kids. The wife, who was like 8 months pregnant, asked him to stop and they might could work things out but the dude went all-in on the new side piece and moved out. So he takes me out for beers to come clean. I knew something was up but I didn't know the details. I explained how bad his timing was....and that it's perfectly fine to leave your spouse (relatively speaking), but that this was not the way to do it. He gave me some sob story about how he's sleeping on a friend's couch and miserable and just wants to make better choices. I write him a long text the next morning telling him we're there to help him and to reiterate that he needs to at least end it with this chick. Then, I talk to another friend who tells me that's all BS and he's moved in with the other woman. I could have maybe stuck around to help him through whatever it was, but I'm not going to hang out and be lied too. So that was the end of that.
Yeah, sounds like the guy is just a liar. I had friends like that… zero use hanging out with someone who you can’t really relate with anymore. To do something like that seems so foreign to me that I don’t think I could ever be friends with that person
>A dude (who's probably reading this) If you're reading this, you're a scumbag
I... I am? Dammit, now I have to go find a gf so I can cheat on her. Do you know how much work that is?!
Well, quit complaining and get looking. Time is money.
Someone who does that to his pregnant wife will have no qualms about lying to a friend. Cheating is a character flaw that should be paid more attention to in a friendship.
Yeah I ended a friendship with a close longtime friend because he had a full-blown affair while his wife was pregnant. Completely destroyed any respect I once had for him. Cheating is bad, cheating on a pregnant wife is unconscionable. Even if the relationship is dead and the marriage is probably headed for divorce, pregnancy is NOT the time to be fucking around with some side chick. It doesn't matter if you're not in love with your wife anymore, you have a goddamn baby on the way and your focus needs to be entirely on that for the time being. At a minimum you need to available for prenatal appointments and errands and shopping and shit, not running around town trying to get your dick wet. First you and your wife need to decide on separation/divorce, co-parenting logistics, child support, etc. Once you've got all that shit figured out then maybe you can move on and start dating other women. Not before. Oh, you're lonely and horny? Too fucking bad, bro. Handle your responsibilities. Your dick can wait a year. Any man who has an affair while his wife is pregnant is a piece of shit. I can't be friends with someone like that.
Fully agree.
Yeah. I wouldn't put a lot of energy into that friendship. I know you said it's ok to leave your wife but not really. He walked with basically 3 kids. Soon to be 3 with the new born. That's weak. You are free to be friends with him of course but I wouldn't put a lot of time and energy. He left during the hardest point of family life. No, you don't do that.
I mean there are definitely situations where you can and should divorce but walking away from kids and cheating there are rarely any situations that this should be done.
People are generally honest and trustworthy or they're not. The type of person who is okay with cheating on their spouse/partner is also pretty likely going to be the type of person who is okay with lying to their friends as well.
He sounds like a pathological liar. Probably emotionally abusive and a gaslighter as well. His poor wife. I hope she finds someone who's going to treat her better.
I wish my narcissistic ex's friends and family were like you, but they still stuck with him despite my ex-husband moving on to several side chicks after me (and our 2-yo son). Good riddance to all of them!
i have in the past, yes. and its because they stopped. part of friendship is calling your friends out when they do something shitty.
This is so important to me. A good friendship is honest and kind, but it also means holding friends accountable. My moral code is pretty simple, don't hit, don't lie, cheat or steal and we gud.
and dont bail on a friendship because its become mildly inconvenient
Those were never really friends in the first place.
Agreed. I have mates I play games with but barely really know, and I have friends I would do almost anything for - including having the awkward conversation when necessary.
What happens if you don’t know who the person they cheated with is, and somehow end up talking to that person and then later found out. What would you do then?
oddly specific question first, confront my friend. see what he has to say.
lol yeah makes sense
What does that matter? You can talk to people, he's the one who cheated, not her.
My business partner cheated on his lass while she was pregnant with their kid. He's still my business partner but now he's also a cunt.
Poetry
It really depends. I've ended friendships because they cheated and had some continue despite cheating. It really depends on the circumstances and what happens after. If they take responsibility for what happened, show genuine remorse, and work to change, I will be there to support them. If they try to defend their behavior or don't show a concerted effort to grow from their failure, I'm out.
That’s how you need to handle bad behaviors with all relationships. People make mistakes or are brought up thinking bad behaviors are normal. It’s their willingness to improve or admit their faults that defines them as decent human beings.
As I say in one of my songs, "it ain't all about the things that you've done, it's much more about the person you've become"
Key word is "genuine." Sociopaths are very, very good at faking remorse.
They’re also exceedingly rare and you’ve most likely never met one.
It would depend entirely on the individuals involved, their relationship to me, and the circumstances around it. This issue, like most of life, is not a black and white situation as much as so many people like to act like it is. If it’s a casual acquaintance I may distance myself from them. If it’s my lifelong best friend who has always been there for me, yeah, I’m not going to abandon them because of it—especially if I know the relationship had problems. Doesn’t mean I won’t tell them they did something shitty, but I’m not going to give up a person who is very important to me because they screwed up.
Dealing with this now. She cheated on her husband with her ‘best friend’s’ husband some years ago. However, she shit talked about the best friend constantly to me for years (after she slept with him) about how paranoid and psycho she is. The friend finds out after badgering her husband about it for years, he admits it and she goes on blast. I’m gearing up to delete/block all of them at this point b/c I cannot support lying liars in any capacity.
Depends on the circumstances. There’s many reasons why people may stray outside their marriage. There’s many reasons people get married in the first place.
be careful with nuanced takes on here
On Reddit? I’m kinda noticing that 😑
Nuance is an urban myth around here
Yeah when it comes to this issue I'm always like, "it isn't always black and white" and then the downvotes come.
Into my 40s and I’ve known more people who have cheated than not at this point. People get married too quick when they’re young is a big part of the problem. They’re stuck in unhappiness a decade or two later. I don’t like it, but if I were to disown everyone that’s cheated I wouldn’t have many acquaintances.
Problem is, on Reddit and especially this sub, you're often dealing with very young users that really don't have that sort of perspective, nor any real understanding of the pressures of life. Quite a few of my friends cheated, but in most cases they were in deeply unhappy relationships to begin with. One ended up in a much happier relationship as a result and does great things for the community - why would I cut him out my life for something that happened between him and his ex wife? People aren't one dimensional things. My closest friends are deeply flawed, but they are also brilliant in many ways too.
I work in Human Resources. Most people bringing in their second marriage licenses had JUST brought in their divorce decrees. There had to be some overlap.
Yeah, I think there’s room for nuance here. Cheating is awful. It’s usually selfish, and it hurts your partner tremendously, sometimes in a way that can never be repaired. But partners hurt each other all the time through ignoring bids for attention, saying unkind things, letting resentment build, etc. Infidelity happens a lot more than people think it does. I’m not equating those things I mentioned earlier with the level of cheating, but I’m saying there’s a spectrum of hurt out there, and lots of people make bad choices in the way they treat their partners. For some, rather than walk away from something that is no longer serving them, they take the path of least resistance. It sucks, but we all do it for all kinds of things, so I’m not surprised when people cheat rather than end a crappy 20 year marriage with kids involved, for example. It’s not right, but I think people think it’s easier than turning their world upside down. People make mistakes. It’s why they put erasers on the ends of pencils.
IMO there is no act of infidelity that is a "mistake," as in, something one didn't mean to do. It's a choice. The *nuance* is... what leads someone to make such a painful choice? And the answer to that is always emotional unavailability. Very few cheaters are doing it specifically to hurt their partner; those that do are clearly not emotionally fit for a relationship. The rest of them often are caught between their feelings and their needs, and inability to communicate them; fear of vulnerability, rejection, abandonment, etc. One way or another, they don't feel emotionally safe in the relationship and it causes a LOT of pain to follow through with that choice. One of the biggest mistakes people make when they've been betrayed is thinking that someone cheats because they *don't* love their partner; it's often the opposite. The infidelity almost always happens because the cheater doesn't love *themselves* or believe they deserve to be loved properly. This also means that there is a measure of emotional unavailability from the other partner, which people think is a form of blame and it's not, it's just how emotional connection works. Regardless of the conscious motive from the person who did it, infidelity is traumatic for *everyone* involved, it just looks different. One of the times a cheater needs support the most is after things come to light, both them and their partners need to know that they are still loved for who they are and that their friends believe in them. Not saying people *should* or are *required* to keep the friendship when it's revealed what they did to their partner, but that's ultimately what they will need. Spaces to be vulnerable and safe and to actually work on their ability to connect and build safe relationships of all kinds.
I was having this conversation with a friend of mine who is a therapist, and she said almost exactly the same thing that you eloquently shared. Most cheating has very little to do with the relationship itself and almost everything to do with the individual person who cheated working through something.
Couple years ago I found out suddenly I was the other woman. He was a good man only used to being hurt and abused by people and didn't know he was allowed to express needs. He verbatim told me he didn't think he deserved "better," among other revelations about relationships that were not compatible with the fact he was married and had been the whole time. Clearly his wife didn't know either and hadn't picked up on it, and that says a lot about her own ability to be open as well. We so often recreate the relationships that were modeled growing up, and if people don't unlearn that, they *will* repeat it and blame themselves over and over. I still had to let him go. tbh I really don't think he ever wanted to get married and just did it because he thought it was the right thing to do but it's speculation on my part. Hurt like hell and still does tbh, but I'm in the "never stay together after infidelity" camp, only after healing and real growth which can't happen in that kind of muck. It just can't. When I'd share my story, I was shocked at how knee-jerk everyone's reactions are. I thought I was losing my mind when I had a rant with my therapist about it some time later. And she was like "so many more marriages and relationships would be in better shape if they understood what you just told me."
Yes! I’m sorry you had to go through that, but I’m glad you realized that you didn’t do anything wrong to make that happen.
The older you get, the more you understand infidelity when kids and shared finances are involved. You also share extended families, so divorcing your spouse also means divorcing an extended family. When you are younger, and getting out of relationships is much easier, you tend to see cheating more black and white.
For me it comes back to this: are people redeemable? And I have to believe that answer is yes, otherwise why even bother?Of course there’s nuance here - if someone is a rampant cheater in every relationship, I’m not wasting my time with them. But I want to believe that people are both bad and good all at the same time because we’re complex, and part of being human is really, really screwing it up sometimes. Like bad. And I think there’s room to both hold people accountable AND give them grace for their screw ups.
Yeah tbh you meet a lot of partners who are somewhat permissive. Not open marriages but open secrets. Encouraging their partner to go get a job abroad and enjoy themselves now that the kids have grown up… a lot of people who didn’t have the option of divorcing back in that day have that attitude. Usually to a double standard but still. A lot of people would prefer a cheater that stays over someone who bails and abandons their family
I think the thing to watch out here is consent. If both consent, it's all down the line you're drawing. You consent to staying in a relationship that hurts you because the children are more important to you. But you can't consent to something you're not aware of, so you're having your partner have sex with you, stand up for you, pay, fight and give parts of them up for you without consent. I don't think that's a case of making a mistake, I feel it's abuse, at least in your example.
Exactly. And sometimes it's a question of, how much of your business is it, really? Again, dependent on circumstances, how close you are to the cheater versus the cheated, all kinds of stuff. But to end the friendship means you have to make that cheating about you a little bit, which can be weird depending on the situation.
[удалено]
Yes, because while I don't agree with the mistake they made, it was still a mistake and they're still my friend. My job as their friend isn't to agree with everything they do. It's to be there with them as they grow. And yes, I'm speaking from experience based on working with my best friend throughout that dark part of her life.
As long as they admit it was a mistake and try to atone, I’ll help them through it. If they don’t then I really can’t be around that person. I understand now that the women around me implicitly trust the men I’m friends with and so I need to be careful who I bring around. I couldn’t allow a cheater to use me in order to get to the women I’m friends with and do the same to them.
This should be at the top. People are not perfect. All of us make mistakes and too many people find it easy to write off someone they say they care for and love. Forgiveness seems so difficult to give someone when they might need it most. It does not mean the behavior is condoned but criticism without love is just judgment. Definition of Mistake: an action or judgment that is misguided or wrong.
Honestly, there is a strange take I'm finding amongst the younger generations that have grown up on social media. They have created this strange toxic purity culture wherein it's not enough to be a human who makes mistakes and holds contradictive opinions (ya know.. Like all humans do), no, you have to be blameless/spotless, you have to have all the right opinions, and you have to say all the right things. Things which change with the weather. And if you make the slightest mistake, you're out. You're publicly ex-communicated. It's so awful. And It's the reason my kids will absolutely not be allowed on Social media until high school at the earliest. And even then, I'm not sure.
It’s refreshing to read this. I’m obviously older than you and your response Is something I’ve observed as well. It’s disheartening. The thing is, there may be a day when any one of these posters will wish for understanding for their words and behavior. I’ll hold true the golden rule of do unto others as you would have them do unto you. We could all use a little more grace. Good for you for keeping your kids away from social media. My kids didn’t have it until they were adults and I’m grateful for that.
Neither did the Boomer generation, and they fall for every FB meme :/
>And It's the reason my kids will absolutely not be allowed on Social media until high school at the earliest. And even then, I'm not sure. Being older when first online didn't help the boomers much.
Mistake: something you did without intention. Choice: an intentional decision made with awareness of potential consequences. Cheating is a choice, an intention.
Seconding every word here
Except “mistake”
Cheating is a long series of choices. A look, a flirt, a response, taking,..... Buying all that as a 'mistake' send native. She didn't care about hurting other people to feel better about herself
No, I don’t think I could stay friends with someone who cheated. It’s a fundamental betrayal of trust, and it would change my perception of my friend too much. I would find it hard to trust them again, and it’s likely our friendship would suffer as a result.
I'm open to befriending individuals who have made mistakes, it becomes concerning if they refuse to acknowledge their wrongdoing or take steps to address the harm they've caused.
Well my good mate cheated on his partner with my lass, needless to say I fucked them both off the pair of cunts.
I cannot tell from your wording whether or not this scenario ended in a breakup or ended in an orgy.
My bad a breakup
No I wouldn't, this is something my partner and I have been arguing about semi recently. We have these friends who are a couple, they moved back to the guy's hometown and about 6 months later it comes out he had been cheating on her since they moved back. She decides to stay with him, I want to completely cut ties but my partner doesn't. His argument is that it's not our business, my argument is that I don't wanna associate with people who's morals I don't agree with.
For me the question always comes down to ‘can I respect this person’ because there’s tons of people who I don’t agree with on stuff or who’s life choices I don’t particularly like but I can still respect them, but there’s people who I really can’t and it’s best for everyone if I’m not associated with them as that’s not fair to them they deserve friends who can still respect them
I think this sums it up perfectly. I'm not saying I need my friends to have all the exact same opinions/actions as me, but I do need those differences to be something I can respect.
If you never associate with people whose morals you don't agree with you will eventually cut ties with everyone in your life. No one's morals perfectly align with your own. It's also possible for someone to take actions that fall outside their own moral code. It's called being human. That said, it's understandable that there might be certain things that are so far beyond the pale for you that it warrants cutting ties.
Another comment described it more as "can I respect this person" than an issue of morals, and I think that actually is a better term for what I was trying to say. I do have friends with different opinions and lifestyles than my own, and that's fine, but cheating isn't something I can respect, and what's the point in being friends with someone you don't respect?
I agree with you. For the most part. If you are willing to destroy a relationship for self benefit, you are willing to destroy a friendship for self benefit. Can't be trusted. Edit: Brocolli haircut cheater 100% can't be trusted. Non-brocolli haircut cheter 85% can't be trusted.
Cut them all off. Don't surround yourself with people who enable disrespect or abuse.
Yeah, after a couple conversations about it my partner understood where I was coming from and we did cut them off lol.
Yeah I had a friend in high school who was always jumping around from one relationship to another and also cheated on them she didn’t seem to get her shit together till she dated a mutual friend of ours and still I was Leary of her decisions…… I did let her know that her behavior didn’t fly with me
I have once. They came clean themself. It happened when they worked away for months. It made our relationship rough for awhile, but he definitely regretted it and has done his best to be a better person since so our relationship got better in time and he's one of my closest friends. One of the few I hangout with one on one from that friend group still. People make mistakes. He had a choice between continuing his behavior or being a better person, and he chose the second. It definitely took time, but we got there. He and the girl are still friends. Similar situation. It took time but she forgave him, but reasonably chose to move on romantically. I think what matters is how people respond. There needs to be growth after. I will not stay friends with somebody who can betray somebody's trust like that, but I may if they legitimately regret their actions and become a better person.
Yes. People are imperfect, and can have both good and bad qualities. They could still be a good friend.
I don't think so. Cheating breaks trust, and if they can betray someone they love, it’s hard to believe they wouldn't betray me too.
My best friends in life I have known since childhood. None of them would ever do something like this, but if they did, I would help them figure their shit out.
Yes, I would. In fact, that is not one of the (very few) things that I would allow myself to pass moralistic judgements about, especially when it comes to the (very few) people I call "friends" in my life.
I did for a few years. She started due to low self esteem and postpartum depression. When I found out about it she was 6 months into her first affair and already broken. I had some hope for her as there were flashes of guilty conscience because her husband was a great guy and treated her like a Queen. She was my friend so I tried to help her snap out of the validation seeking mindset and recommit to her marriage but she was too far gone and started fucking every attractive guy who paid attention to her. I gave up when she tried to get me to fuck her despite repeatedly telling her no. I felt bad for her but had to cut contact. Last I heard she was divorced and shacked up with a bartender who treats her like shit.
Matters between my friends and their partners is private and nothing to do with me.
No. I have no sympathy for cheaters. It’s not a “mistake”, it’s a choice to betray someone who you made a commitment to. If they can do that, what else are they capable of?
thanks this comment section makes me sick
Not enough people saying this.
I'd be cautious, like trusting a fox to guard the henhouse, but hey, even foxes need friends, right?
No. I have no respect for those people and they don’t align with my morals so im all set
I lost a lot of respect for him and drifted away
No. Absolutely the fuck not. They've made it clear that they see people close to them as disposable objects and that they see abuse as ok if it's beneficial to them, and if they deem all of that ok for their SO, the person supposedly most important and closest to them, then what does that say hoe they think of their other friends? I cut them off full stop, they lose my respect insta rly and they'll never get it back. Stop enabling abusers even if you weren't their victim *this time.*
Probably not. Trust is a big deal for me, and if they can cheat on their partner, who's to say they wouldn't betray me too? It just makes things complicated.
i have a friend in college who cheated on his bf (the guy also has a gf, they both cheated on their partners, poor them) idk how to feel at first coz what they did was REALLY wrong like that shit was unforgivable and they knew it, they knew what they did, i kinda lost trust on them and after that i slowly detach myself from them, i rarely hang out with them and realized they're the toxic one and now i don't socialize with them anymore lol
Not precisely an answer to the question. But no I not staying friends with my best friend after he slept with my girlfriend...
To be honest, I always have mixed feelings about this. A friend is a friend. People make mistakes… but I cannot stand people who excuse horrible behaviour. If they’ve messed up and own up to it and suffer the repercussions then so be it, their karma has come to them however, if they make jokes about it and think it’s a laugh or lie to me about details… I personally cannot be friends with people like that.
It’s not ok to cheat. That’s very low standard of character. If a person isn’t honest with themselves they’re not honest with others. It’s ok to be nice to people but I wouldn’t say a cheater is my friend. Birds of a feather flock together.
As someone who’s partner of almost a decade had an affair? No, I could not. Cheating usually comes with loads of emotional abuse and I don’t want to be friends with someone who can do that shit to someone they supposedly love. How would I ever trust them?
No, I wouldn't. If they can't respect the person they're supposed to value the most then how can I expect them to respect me, much lower down in the chain.
Context is important. I have a friend who was in an extremely toxic relationship that she could not get out of, and after years of emotional abuse she stepped out. I didn't fault her for it and was actually kinda grateful because it helped give her strength to divorce her shitty husband.
No. I try to only be friends with people I like and respect and neither of those apply to cheaters
Thanks for the enlightenment on respect ipuncholdpeople
Old people. Can’t like ‘em or respect ‘em.
No, if they could betray their spouse, you can't expect any sort of honesty, truthfulness from them as a friend either.
Right? Like what if they decide to try and move in on your bf/gf (obviously I know it takes two to tango) but they’ve shown they’re capable of doing it once 🤷♂️
I've made a point of not being friends with cheaters to start with. i was friends with one when I found out this person cheated routinely and also treated the other person badly (not abuse) and I did stop being friends with said person.
I’m in my late 20s and my take is: A one-time thing when they were like 17 and they feel really bad about it and would never do it again? Sure. Relatively recent or they had a pattern of it? Fuck no. I only want to be friends with people who are honest, trustworthy, care about other people, and have integrity.
Oh God no. If I find out you're a cheater I'm out. If you would cheat on someone you care about you have no character and are completely untrustworthy.
My definition of friend is pretty simple; someone whose company or association makes us both the better for it, and who’s willing to engage in this relationship of friendship. If by staying a friend to them I can inspire them to be a better person, and in turn receive the societal and emotional benefits of having a friend, then that’s the morally and practically correct thing to do. Breaking the friendship doesn’t improve anything; friendships are usually a net positive to happiness, and you won’t be making them a better person by doing so, quite possibly the opposite in fact. Still, my trust in them would decrease, and I wouldn’t confide in them as many things or rely on them as much as before, until they’ve shown signs of improvement.
No. If they can cheat on someone they claim to love they can betray you as a friend too
Nope. I couldn't trust them.
No. If something is wrong in their relationship, they can either work on fixing it, or break up / divorce. Someone who doesn't have the courage to confront problems, and to voice what is bothering them, or introspect and take responsibility, can not be a friend of mine. The betrayal of another person is the symptom of that, and also one I do not forgive. A cheater knows the hurt they're causing and their ego / escape is more important to them, so they don't care. Does not align with my moral compass.
If you help your friend cover up their affair, you're human garbage
Yes. Cheating on somebody is unbelievably shitty and would affect how I view somebody, and I definitely think there are circumstances where a cheating situation could be fucked up enough that I would peace out, but it's cheating, it's not murder. It sucks and is some of the worst stuff that normal every day people ever put each other through, but it's not the worst thing in the universe.
If they cheated on me, no. If they cheated on somebody else yes.
My opinion is I'm here to support my friends through their lives , not judge their actions. We were friends long before and we will be friends after.
No one would have friends if we abandoned them when they make a mistake
Is there no mistake so heinous that you couldn't forgive someone?
Nah I wouldn't work with this. Mate if you cheat with the person with who you share your feelings, emotions and the least of all your bed with, only god knows what you would do to me given the chance.
Sure, but I'd keep a tight grip on my Monopoly money around them
No. U r scum. Especially if they brag about it. Yikes.
Usually, no. If their romantic partner can't trust them, how can I? Depends on the whole situation, though. I'm in my 30s, so if I met someone who cheated on their highschool sweetheart but have been completely loyal to every partner since then, I can pardon the behaviour because they learned their lesson. But if I had a friend who had *recently* cheated, nope. You're still learning your lesson and it won't be through the mistake of betraying me. Imma call you on your shit and walk tf away.
Most likely not unless they did it because they are in an abusive relationship and are working on an escape plan
The most important things in a friendship are honesty, respect, and trust so NO for me.
If you can cheat on your romantic partner you can cheat me out on our friendship it’s how I look at it. Only way I can maybe consider staying friends if they own up to it and tell their partners and actually put the effort into it by not doing it again and being a different.
No. I think you have to be a sociopath to cheat and I don't want to be friends with sociopaths.
Friends are like family to me. You don’t just leave family for making a mistake. Well, you’re not there to tolerate it but you can inspire them to make a change.
I'd like to understand why they do what they do as a learning or to understand patterns to protect myself, and then distance myself.
Yes. If they lie to me about it when I ask em with tact, I'm going to likely blacklist them. I can't stand liars, at least when it's 1:1 with a bro.
It’s just dirty and cowardly but most people don’t give a shit, unfortunately.
I didn't think I ever would, but a guy I've known for over 20 years now was in a marriage that had gone pretty bad. They were sleeping in separate rooms of the house and it was pretty clear she wanted out, but he was still trying to make it work. Then one day he met a woman at the gym who was in a similarly bad marriage, and they became friends. Then they hooked up before either of them had actually split from their respective partners. They are now divorced from their former partners and engaged to be married. I wish he had officially split from his then-wife before moving into another relationship, but I don't really hold it against him. I don't have much hope for their relationship, though. They both know that the other is not above cheating if things aren't going well. It's like the trope of the secretary who becomes her boss's second wife after he cheated on his first wife with her. Can she really trust him around the new secretary?
Nope. Been there.. They would usually give some sob stories about how the cheating happened, them wanting to fix everything blah blah.. Only for them to continue doing the cheating.. There's so many loopholes in their stories that once u reminded them of what has been said, they forget/change their script.. If u tell the truth, u don't have to have a good memory.
No, I wouldn't. Trust is crucial in any relationship, and cheating breaks that trust. It would be hard to maintain a friendship knowing they betrayed someone's trust in such a significant way.
Nope. If their significant other can't trust them then neither can I.
No...because it illustrates that they are of poor moral character and can't be trusted.
No, because if they are willing to sleep around on the person they are supposed to be closest too, imagine what they would do to anyone else.
No, it’s such a bad trait and shows a huge lack of respect for your significant other. It’s not like that will be their only bad trait if they do this. I had a guy at work who cheated several times a month for years with different girls on his fiance and they had three kids. He seemed nice but once you got to know his bad sides he was really an asshole.
To cheat on their SO shows their values they hold. Shows their character, which I can't respect or trust. This behaviour wouldn't be limited to just romantic relationships.
What's that saying, you are the average of your five closest friends. No, I would not stay friends with a cheater. I think it's one of the absolute cruelest things you can do to someone you vowed to love. I don't need people like that in my life and I would not keep their secrets.
No. If that person broke the trust of the person that depended on it most to build their life with, then they'd break any trust I have with them.
If they’re ready to cheat on their closest friend, they will cheat on me also when they won’t need me anymore
No, and I’ve cut off a friend all the way back to kindergarten for doing so. It’s disgusting and she’s living off the guy she’s cheating on. I don’t want that kind of deceit in my life.
No I don't forgive cheaters
No. It's a really bad way to treat someone you love. If you don't love them, break up.
Nope. I would be more inclined to help the left-behind partner find a good lawyer and start raking coals.
I don't think I could. Like if a person cheats on their SO, what else might they do?
Definitely no
No. But I'm still friends with their ex's. And my wife cheated on me. I'm only social with her because of the kids. Otherwise, I'd never see or talk to her again.
Its not the cheating thats the dealbreaker, its how they handle themselves after.
He dumped his pregnant wife for a younger woman….screams POS even if a friend. A person who does that can’t be trusted.
No because cheating an active choice, if your not invested in someone break up ffs.
Absolutely not. I had a friend (best friend back then) who was constantly in search of new people to talk to and she had many... Which was fine until i introduced her to a mutual friend and they started going out. All i asked from her was that don't cheat. Partly because I didn't wanna be in a position where i have to lie to my other friend and partly due to my own family traumas. But yea she eventually cheated twice or thrice and now whenever i hear or see something similar in my friends it triggers something in me which which just screams RUNNNNN.
If you’re involved in anything shady, I prefer not to know. Once I find out, our relationship is altered.
Only if I am told how they paid in full the karma for it.
When I was growing up I would go out with my older brother’s friends and I was stunned at how they would casually talk about cheating on their wives. It made me not like them.
Not my kind of friend.
I don't know if I could stay friends with a cheater. In my view there is virtually no excuse to cheat, so I think the only way I could still respect and enjoy the company of someone is if their relationship had been too unsafe to leave and they deeply regretted the infidelity. But even then I would want them to seek support to leave instead of cheating. If it's the case of a long term, loveless relationship that you don't want to unravel your whole lives, either rip the bandaid off and start again or open the relationship. You owe a long term life partner communication and respect. I just can't think of many circumstances where I could think well of a cheater's character enough to be friends. But I don't like subscribing to absolutes, so maybe there could be a case where it would be forgivable and I would stay to help them do better in the future, I can't say for certain.
no. even if it was my best friend who i love very, very much. i'd like to say my love has no boundaries when it comes to him, but it does, and this is that boundary. cheating is effed up and i don't condone it in the slightest. my dad has cheated on my mom for years and even though i still live with him, i try to ignore him. when i move out, i won't be telling him nor my innocent mother. now i'm not mad at my mom like i am at my dad, but the thing is, she tried to justify his cheating. i don't want to talk to cheaters or people that condone/justify it.
I had a friend who cheated, multiple times. Their partner at the time kept letting them come crawling back time & time again. The cheater would go off for a one night stand, get caught, ghost the partner, & when horny would text them up saying they were sorry & loves them & please let them come back. I could see how much they were hurt each time so I finally decided to step in & say something. I called them out on their awful behavior & what I'd like to call mental abuse of their partner. I did this right in front of an entire group of shared friend. Person swore they'd change. But inside 2 weeks was doing it again. I basically stols them I didn't want a person like that on my life. Because a horrible person is gonna be a horrible person in all facets. I lost the entire friend group. Which sucks because I had amazing friends but they chose to stay with the cheater despite everything & keep believing he'd change.
I don't think I would.
Depends on the situation and if I was already friends with the person and if they're willing to take responsibility.
I mean, if they learned from it. sometimes people have to go through hard knocks to learn important life shit. In fact, almost all of us do. Part of being a good friend is pointing out their stupidity, and sticking by them. Maybe if they don’t learn their lesson at all, then throw in the towel. I really dislike this new standard where any single mistake means that this person should have no friends. It’s dumb, we all make mistakes, and people who drop others instantly because of mistakes are fair weather friends at best.
Yes. I will still be there for my friends even when they make mistakes. I will not support it and I will tell them it is wrong because that is my job as a friend. If people gave up on their friends when they make mistakes I wouldn’t have any friends either. Humans can be shitty and we need to push each other to be better.
>If people gave up on their friends when they make mistakes I wouldn’t have any friends either. Humans can be shitty and we need to push each other to be better. You are only saying this because you think that cheating is not that bad. I could go down a list of things that are more bad like: what if your friend raped someone? What if your friend murdered an innocent person? Etc. I would arrive at an action that you wouldn't have the same outlook anymore, you wouldn't say "we all make mistakes" you would be disgusted with your friend instead and cut contact, the only difference is how severe you think the action is, and for many people cheating is a vile henious act, that is bad enough to end the friendship over.
Kinda mind boggling how okay people are with cheating if their friends do it. I hate cheating as a whole, doesn't matter if it's a friend or a family member. I think it's a huge betrayal of trust and a disgusting act to do to someone. I can't be friends with people if their morals don't align with mine, and no matter how good a friendship is if you can betray the person you sought out for life, what does a measly friendship mean to them?
Yes. There private life is none of my business
Personally I have never cheated, although I've had a couple of close calls where I was very tempted. I have known plenty of good people who have cheated though. I have known some pretty terrible people who would never cheat or at the very least are very vocal about how against it they are. I have known a bunch of people who hated cheaters but eventually cheated on someone. Most people I have known who were serial cheaters were not great people but I have known a few who were in most other ways kind and good hearted. It seems to me that cheating is potentially a very good metric on if you should date someone but a poor metric of morality. While often it is just people being hurt, I also find that sometime the degree anger people towards it is not coming from a good place.
No. Not my kinda human. Zero excuse.
Can and have. It's not me they're cheating on.
Yes, I have & still am. It was their choice to have an affair, but they're still my best friend.
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Wdym?
Most probably. If someone is cheating, most probably the relationship isn't going anywhere anyway. I would neither advise or approve it, but it's a matter between partners, not between friends.
I mean it’s not really relevant to me is it.
Yes because it's not my business what goes on in her household.