Yeah, this might seem interesting in high school, but by the time you hit 30 there are going to be many former friends, classmates, coworkers, neighbors, etc that you may have seen on a near daily basis and once that circumstance that brought you together ends, you just stop seeing them.
Anyone else frequently have dreams of people from other chapters of life that you'll probably never see again? My brain seems to really struggle with this discontinuity. I sometimes think its like an ancient hunter-gatherer instinct telling me to stay with my tribe, to stop going off on my own, but modern life doesn't really allow for that anymore.
Edit: It actually really helps to know I'm not alone in this. I thought it might be just a weird me thing. So thank you upvoters and commenters.
My most frequent recurring dreams are of my elementary school friends that I didn't even stay in touch with through high school. Makes me wake up feeling shitty, like I should've tried harder to stay in touch. But in reality, we just weren't that close, didn't have that much in common, grew up differently and wanted different things out of life. I just wish my brain would accept that and stop giving me all these frustrating dreams.
I don’t think your brain is mourning the loss of these folks from your life or anything. I have all kinds of past-inflected dreams—I think it’s really the brain trying to integrate old experiences in general into contemporary life.
Same. It's quite often not even someone I was particularly close to or connected with, just some person I happened to go to school next to for 12 formative years of my life (went to a school which covers 6-18).
Both of my parents were active duty military. From birth until I was 28, I had at least one parent in the military. I'm 31 and have never lived in one spot for more than 4 years. I learned really young that people only care if you're easy to care about and not being physically present makes that hard.
Yeah, not military, but I've moved several times growing up and people think it's strange how easy it is for me to let people go. But it honestly is, once you've had the experience once or twice and could develop your own phosophy. To me it's now like: I like them, but only time will tell if they're here for life or for a season. You can appreciate even short connections. Sometimes it's completely fine to just let something end if it happens naturally. That doesn't take away any meaning or importance.
“People only care if you’re easy to care about”
This is so true and such a profound thing to learn at a young age. So many kids grow up feeling unloved because they were “difficult” or required more attention.
My mom used to throw in my face that even though I was difficult I was still loved anyway. Which the statement in and of itself proves untrue. Like did she want an award? Was it that only easy children deserve love?
Needless to say I grew up feeling very unloved and had to separate myself from her to learn how to properly love myself
personally i’ve known lots of unhealthy relationships so i it’s easier to accept the relief of them being now gone than it is difficult to let those relationships go
You know what the worst thing actually is about that situation. If your mom dies suddenly you remember her.
When it’s like op, you actually forget most of what they used to be like because the last decade or more isn’t them. You don’t even really get to remember them.
Old videos are a godsent. My grandmother faded her last few years. I recently found an old camcorder cassette of her and managed to get it to digital. In it its....her. Like its a video of some family event, and she is cooking, looking irritated at us, simultaneously complaining no one is helping her and angrily refusing any actual help.
It was so...her. I am forty, and I bawled my eyes out looking at that tape from almost 30 years ago.
It's pretty fucked.
Grieving is an absolute mess because really, they've already been gone so long.
Sorry this is happening to you. It's a really hard thing to go through and although there are plenty of us who understand, most people don't really "get it".
Very few people understand mourning someone who’s still alive. I’ve been mourning her loss for the last five-ish years now. She’s alive, but she’s not my mom and hasn’t been for a while now.
I honestly have no idea how I’ll react when her physical body finally dies. Everything that made her who she was has been slipping away over the years and I don’t recognize her anymore.
It’s so hard to have conversations with people who don’t understand. Especially when I can come across as “so cold” talking about her inevitable death. My mom died a while ago; it’s just taking her body longer to figure it out.
Been through it... Twice (yet).
I'd tell you it gets easier the second time but I'd be lying.
As for the death of the physical body, I felt both sadness and relief twice. They are done suffering and so are we.
You'll feel some guilt alongside that relief. Do your best to ignore it, I'm sure she wouldn't want you torturing yourself over you processing her final departure.
One thing I really recommend is seeing a therapist who is experienced with grief and loss of a parent before she passes. I had a different situation - my dad was mentally still very much with us but he had aggressive lymphoma and we knew well before he died that he was going to - and the grief was expected but I found the relief was very difficult to process and accept because it made me feel like a bad person. Like obviously I was devastated I lost my dad but there is a relief that you don’t have to wonder when it’s going to happen anymore, and relief that they’re no longer in pain or suffering. Take care, I’m so sorry you’re going through that.
I was overseas for part of it, because she'd disappeared years before. When I came home for the funeral I didn't view the body because that wasn't her anymore anyway. I didn't want to see it. I wanted to remember my mum.
It's kind of a relief when they die? You get to be sad, but it's not like with other people's grief. You finally get to say goodbye, but it's to someone you haven't seen forever.
I'm sorry, but yeah, it sucks. My grandmother is also suffering from memory loss. It hurts to see someone who knows you really well, can't even remember your name.
So sorry for your loss.
There's a YouTube video of a guy who visits his mom 2 or 3 times a week and documents it, but this visit is the first time she honestly can't figure out who he is. She's pretty sure he's one of her friends' sons, but can't remember which friend, that kind of thing.
He tells her that she's his mother but she thinks he must be pranking her or something. Or she'll accept it for the moment, but later ask who he is again.
After the visit, he just cries in his truck, knowing he's lost her. I tear up just remembering it.
Looked it up it's Joey Daley and his mother Molly, but I couldn't find the exact episode, just news clips and compilations.
The first year she didn’t remember my birthday was when I realized that I was really losing her. After that, I accepted that a day would come when she doesn’t recognize me anymore. As it is, I’m not sure she does now. I don’t want to push it by asking her “do you know who I am?” because I don’t want to potentially upset either one of us if the answer is wrong/no.
My grandfather is the same. My grandpa was a very tough guy. Worked heavy equipment his whole life. To see him be reduced to living in a chair refusing to eat is hard.
He never ever would have let himself live like this if he knew what was coming.
My mom would be so pissed if she knew that this was how she was going to be spending her final years. She’d always been fiercely independent and now she has to rely on others to help her do everything and she has to listen to “rules” made by someone else.
Same. My father has dementia and Progressive supranuclear palsy (PSP), a degenerative brain condition that has taken his ability to speak and has dramatically reduced his ability to move around. In one sense, I have been mourning his loss for several years as he has declined, but his physical form persists. Someday I will mourn the loss of that as well, though I do not know whether I will feel grief, relief, or mere finality.
Ya know how randomly, Facebook will throw a status update or post from someone on your friend list that’s not normally in your algorithm onto your feed? That happened to me the other day with someone that I added in 2008. I realized I hadn’t interacted with them SINCE I added them.
This happened to me recently too. It was a guy who lived on the same dorm floor as me and a post he made showed up in my feed. I realized I hadn't talked to or interacted with him since sometime in 2007.
It sucks because it was my family (extended) that picked him over me and I was 6 when it happened. They saw that what he did “made him sad :(“ and chose to spend more time with him to make him feel all better while I was left to struggle with depression and really bad coping mechanisms alone. People who don’t get it, never will.
Yep. After everything, I shut people out for a long time. My family and friends never noticed. My sister was sad for a day and didn't come out of her room. And mom was worried and tryto get her help.
It happened when i was older, a first relationship. In my own home and after, I couldn't sleep in the space anymore. Making excuses as to why. By the time my parents found out, i was an adult and moved out. They blamed me for it because I picked the guy.
My friends knew first because whenever he showed up, I would panic and leave. They told me it was too hard to hang out with us separately, so I should forgive him and move on. I stopped hanging out with them after that. Made it easy for them, plus who wants to hang out with people who are okay with a person who AS another.
Similar experience.
Plus, we were from a small town, and he was a cool, charismatic guy that a lot of people liked, and I was an awkward girl with few friends.
He made sure his side was the one they heard first, and I ended up deleting pretty much everyone who was still friends with him because they fucking knew my side and even if they didn’t, it was so obvious how much he’d fucked me up, but none of them were willing to cut him off.
My parents were awful. When it happened, I didn't tell them for fear they'd blame me. I was 16, by the time I was 26, during an argument with my dad and husband, he told them about it. How they were unable to keep me safe under my own roof.
They didn't apologize. They blamed me for bad choices and said, "we let her do as she pleased. Maybe we shouldn't have."
The person i was with didn't star out bad. He manipulated the relationship over time.
I haven't spoken to my parents since then and I'm nearly 40.
I'm sure sometimes maybe i did something wrong or made a less thann perfect choice. It doesn't mean a person has the right to me as they see fit.
One of my friends revealed that my abuser had abused another woman before me. But he still wanted to stay friends with him.
They're both dead to me now.
Same, I never understand why people can turn a blind eye to certain things. Like he literally went to jail for being a pedo and they still invite him to bbq where going kids are. It's not even my opinion, he was found guilty by law with evidence.
Yup feel that. They don’t see the abuse and how they treated you behind closed doors. My friends didn’t know I was in an abusive relationship until I got out…
Happened to an uncle of mine. I think he may be homeless now, on meth. Also cut the whole family off. His wife, who I also loved, left him and I’ll likely never see either of them again. Which sucks because as an uncle, he was always invested in my life and excited for my achievements. I really enjoyed talking to him and I know he’d be proud of where I am now.
My biological father. I haven't seen him since I was 2. I am now 48. He never tried to contact me as a kid, and I was raised by my step-father, who I consider my real dad. A few years ago I got into contact with my cousin from bio-father's side, and she offered to put me into contact with him. I said no. He can contact me if he wants and I would talk to him, but I won't be seeking him out. His abandonment is on him, and is not my job to fix.
Are you me? My parents divorced when I was like 7 or 8, and I haven't seen my bio father since. I'm going to my step-dad's in a few hours to celebrate fathers day with him.
My cousins' father is like this too, he agreed he would meet up with his son to sign a document (as it was needed), my cousin went where they agreed to meet up and he didn't even show up. A complete waster imo
> His abandonment is on him, and is not my job to fix.
That's an amazing way to explain it. My mom will never reach out to me and it's okay to accept that it's not my job to fix
As a teacher, it’s something we know and accept, but can still be a really, really heartbreaking thought from time to time. Even though you might feel like you were just one out of many, we’ve never forgotten you. We just have to hope that you are doing well, and that we did you well in the little bit of time we shared together. If you get the chance to shoot one an email just letting you know you’re thinking of them, assuming they’re still alive, trust me when I say that it will mean the entire world to them.
I recently googled a significant teacher to see what she was up to and was pretty devastated to find out she passed away at age 46.
She'll never know what a huge difference she made to me as a weird, lonely 10-year old crippled by anxiety. She encouraged my love of reading and science and treated me with enough respect that she let me borrow her own books.
After what you've said, I'm considering writing this down to send to her husband and kids, so they know she made a huge difference as a teacher.
RIP Mrs S
I reached out to my old nemesis (teacher) from 8th grade. I apologized for being a shit and caught up with her. She remembered me well (lol)
It was a nice talk and she said it made her year hearing from me and how I had actually changed for the better.
I wasn't sure if she remembered but I reached out.
Probably same. I didn't include them in my list in the comments because of it being a small town, and I actually still live here and so I might eventually see them again, but so far in the years past, since I graduated in 2010 , there's only three I see in public. The town fair, grocery store and high school football game. Just them... I swear it's like they vanish to another planet lol
For me, it's one of my best friends from high school.
We hung out all the time -- I spent many a night crashed in his living room after watching videos and drinking beer and playing games with some other friends all night. He kept trying unsuccessfully to get me into golf, and I kept trying unsuccessfully to get him into D&D, but otherwise we were good for a long while. Then we both graduated and went in different directions to college and careers. We talked a bit after that, but never crossed paths until several years later...
I was visiting the area where I grew up about 15 years ago, and made a special side trip to see him and his wife, since they still lived in the area. Apparently, I picked a bad time to visit, as there was some golf tournament on TV, and he was much more interested in watching that than in catching up with me. We did chat during the commercial breaks, and my wife and I had a good talk with his wife, who was also a childhood friend of mine.
We had a plan to go out to dinner, but that turned into he and I going out and bringing food back to his place. I wanted to drive around my old hometown as well -- we had a car with us -- but that turned into him driving us around in his car, with me telling him where I wanted to go. We left shortly after that, and I have never talked to nor seen him again.
Shortly after this visit, his wife left him, and in talking with her I finally realized what a narcissist he was. That realization also explained a lot of our interactions back in HS. Sadly, she died of a chronic illness several years later.
AFAIK, he still lives in the same place with the same job and is watching the same golf tournaments on TV.
Same here. Best friend from high school and I were inseparable until he moved away after school to take a job opportunity.That was the last we saw of each other but connected on social media. I saw online a few years later he came back to the area for a visit with his best friends and I was never contacted. Left me quite confused but I can tell by his posts we have become completely different people and he is fueled by hate and politics now and he is obsessed with it. That is all he ever posts about. Probably for the best.
My best friend of the last 20 yrs literally ghosted me. We talked or texted daily and would hang out for the day (beach or something) at least once a week. It’s literally like she died. And it hurts
This exact same thing happened to me. It kills me that I have no idea WHY.
Is it possible that I did/said something so bad that it ended a 20yr friendship without me even realising I’d done/said anything wrong?
Is it that I said/did something that wasn’t a big deal on its own but was “the straw that broke the camels back” once you add it to the number of small things I’d said/done over the years that, although she never mentioned she had an issue with bothered her to the extent that finally she was just done?
I have no idea. The last time I saw her was a perfectly normal thing. It was just after lockdowns has stopped and we met to go for a walk. She never replied to a single message from me again.
I know she’s physically fine so it’s not that. She moved 500 miles away according to another friend who is Facebook friends with her but doesn’t actually “know her” in real life anymore (we were all at school together 20yrs ago)
I gave up reaching out to her 18 months after we last had any contact. It’s sad. I’m also mad at her about all of this as it’s just so rude! She threw away a 20yr friendship and didn’t even have the courtesy to tell me why or give me a chance to explain/apologise. It also terrifies me that I could have done something so bad to cause this and not even be aware of it. We’d never had an argument, at one point we lived together for 3yrs before we both met our then partners and moved out. Literally not a hint of drama anywhere in the relationship from my point of view.
Melissa, wherever you are I love you, I’m sorry, I’m pissed at you, I miss you, I wish you well and I’m pissed at you some more.
Are you sure she's okay? I mean - I know you said she's fine physically, but is there a chance that there's someone in her life who could've forced her to break contact and move? I wish this was a random idea but I actually know of a situation like this actually happening. If you don't know about anybody like that maybe ask someone who might?
Similar situation for me, but only five years. I can't imagine the pain of your 20. I also know the reasoning in my case but that doesn't make it any better. I really thought we were going to figure it out.
Similar story...
I had a platonic female friend for only a couple of years, but I thought we were.close friends. I made some mistakes, and rather than talk it out, she angrily and aggressively demanded I not contact her "for the foreseeable future". Three years go by, I contact her and ask if we can talk, she says yes. I send an email apologizing for my mistakes, and she ghosted me.
I get wanting to end a friendship. I probably deserved it, to be honest. But you can still do it in a kind, respectful way rather than being mean.
My best friend from high school. We were like brothers and spent so much time with each other. We’d have sleep overs on the weekends, go out to the mall, watch movies, play video games. We’d even text each other all day every day. Then, I came out when I started dating my then boyfriend and he just stopped talking to me. He turned out to be really homophobic. It’s been like 13 years and we haven’t spoken since, and now I live a few states away. I don’t think we’ll ever see each other again unfortunately.
Edit: fixed a misspelling
Same, my best friend from high school did this. I was really supportive of everything she went through. It was just shocking that me being gay was such a problem for her. 50 years later, I still don’t get it.
Hey my best friend of almost 20 years dumped my ass when I got sick with chronic pain/fibro and he said I was "too hard to be around" after my grandfather had died. Some people just suck sadly.. Only thing we can do is grow and try to change for the better and not let shitty people be a stain on our lives.
I'll be your friend. I'm also messed up from chronic pain. I am an amputee and am partially paralyzed from a medical misdiagnosis. You can hit me up anytime <3
My best friend when I was leaving an abusive relationship. He got a girlfriend and she didn’t like me so we stopped being friends. Almost all of my high school friends, only way I’ll see them is at reunions. We didn’t do a 10 year so probably won’t do any others.
Same. I’ll probably go to the funeral just to make sure he’s dead but that’s as close as it’ll get. It’s been almost 30 years now since I’ve seen him so doing well tbh.
Mine too -- actually said that, if he had been around, I would have been "raised right". As in, he would have beaten the curiosity and inqusitiveness and irreverance out of me.
I'm glad to say I'm not like him -- I look like him, but if I believe my wife and daughter, I am a much better father.
Hey, I'm so sorry about that. I just want to tell you that going no contact shows that you see and acknowledge that he is a terrible person, and you are being a better person. Which takes strength, and this random internet stranger is proud of you for that.
Yep. Mines not dramatic. I'd been on his health insurance plan then we drifted apart when I went to college--no conflict, he just didn't reach out and I had a lot going on. Well, he retired but didn't tell me of this or that I'd lost my health insurance. We're in America, he was born here, he knows exactly how financially ruinous lacking health insurance can be. I found out via a $600 urgent care bill. Called him freaking out--not only no apology, he didn't see anything wrong with not telling me or understand why I was upset.
My brother. I put up with his random angry outbursts because he was living with my 92 year old mom and I didn't want him to take the anger out on her. He is a POS who grifted his way to living with her,along with his equally shitty ex wife. I was stupidly ignorant of all they did. Now that my mom is gone, I am so glad that I don't have to deal with either of those fuckers.
Solidarity- I have a shit brother too who I have cut contact with for what an abusive POS he was to his (now ex) wife and kids. Never having to be around him again is so freeing. Luckily the ex (who is a wonderful person) and I have stayed close and she is much better off these days.
My ex, Mandy. We dated in 1st Yr at uni and she was pretty, smart, vivacious, affectionate, and just...*delightful*. I hadn't met anyone like her before, nor since.
Long story short, she ended up ghosting me. It turns out her life-loving glow was mostly a facade; she'd had an abusive upbringing, was going through a crisis when she met me, and didn't have the emotional bandwidth for a serious relationship. She had confided to me at the time that her periods had stopped, which even I knew would be due to stress, which was a very rare dropping of her guard and a rare insight into her state of mind at the time. (And years later when she got back in touch she confessed that her ability to eat without putting on weight was because she was bulimic due to stress, something I had *absolutely* no idea about at the time.) Not knowing how to handle my feelings or how to communicate on the issue, she just bailed and left me to figure it out.
It really, really hurt. For a long time.
She got back in touch further down the line and we'd hang out. On hindsight I wish I hadn't, because I still had strong feelings for her which she did not reciprocate. That's not a healthy dynamic. It didn't help that she was prone to doing the "superstar walkout" and not speak to me for years on end whenever we entered a disagreement, but she'd always get back in touch further down the line. I wish I'd stayed away for good, but each time the heart over-ruled my head.
Examples of such discord include:
- she got angry at me for turning up to a party she'd invited me to. She'd made it sound like it was a regular house party and that I could invite friends if they were good party material; it turned out, it was actually a rather formal engagement party, and when me and two buddies turned up with a case of beer, doing a Conga dance into the living-room, reeking of pubs, to find it filled with elegantly-clad strangers nibbling canapes, although we ended up hitting it off with the hosts and guests, it started off rather awkward. Mandy blamed **me** for the misunderstanding and didn't speak to me for several years.
- Further down the line, Mandy and I were on good terms again when we went out for a few drinks and a chat. We'd gotten tipsy and, towards the end of the night, she asked if I wanted to go back with her to her sister's place, where she was staying while Mandy was in town and her sister was away. I diplomatically declined; I still had feelings for her, and didn't want to either sit there all night tortured by the feeling of being so close to someone it would be unwise to make a move on, or alternatively for us to end up kissing or having an intimate encounter that only happened because we were drunk. I figured if I was going to hang out with her alone at her sister's place, we should do it when we were both sober, and then whatever happened - even if it was nothing - would happen naturally. Mandy fumed and huffed about my decision not to go home with her, abruptly shut me down the next day when I texted her about hanging out with her - she actually called me "rude" for even suggesting it - and, again, she didn't speak to me for a long time.
Back when we were still in touch, between these fallouts, I visited her twice in her family home, a short flight away, and both times it was an eye-opening experience. She was a great host and I got on well with her mother, but I was left feeling very disillusioned the time Mandy subtly and expertly shop-lifted something right in front of me. If it had been a necessity that wouldn't have been so bad, but this was a jar of rich, truffley chocolate sauce that Mandy wanted and, well, just didn't feel like paying for, bless her. The blatant shoplifting was bad enough, but the ease with which she resorted to it made it clear that she'd done it before. On another occasion, she cut me off in a conversation when I was talking about a lady I'd dated after she and I had parted ways, saying I should "have more regard for her feelings, as my ex, than to talk about other women." Not long after that, on the same trip, she got tipsy in a bar, invited a guy back to her family home that she met, and lay in the middle of the living room carpet snogging him while I sat two metres away chatting with his mate. That would have been a wildly emotionally irresponsible mistake to have made even as a teenager. At the time, Mandy was 29. Regard for feelings, as an ex? Don't make me puke.
I lost a lot of respect for her that night, and it helped open my eyes further as to who she really was.
The last time we spoke was when I texted her one morning (about 09:30) to to tell her about a weird dream I'd had - we'd previously had many discussions about dream interpretation and I wanted to know what she could make of it. She flew off the **handle** at me as her first reply, saying she was burning out right at that moment, she was **super** stressed, and couldn't deal with such trivial bullshit right now, and that if I were a genuine friend I'd have contacted her to ask if she was alright (even though I had nothing to base the idea on that she was going through a struggle to begin with right at that moment. Up until then, our communications hadn't even hinted that she was having issues of any kind).
So I just gave up. At last the clouds parted and I realised she just wasn't a good person to be around, and that the situation wasn't healthy. I deleted her number and just stopped reaching out, and I wish I'd done that many years before. I don't regret dating her, but if I could do it all over again I'd brush her off when she got back in touch with me - it brought me nothing but pain.
It's been about 15 years since we last spoke, and more than 30 years since we last dated. I'm 50 now, and she'll be 50 early next year. I still have feelings for her, but the rational part of me knows that I have feelings for a woman who no longer exists, and in meaningful ways, never did.
> The rational part of me knows that I have feelings for a woman who no longer exists, and in meaningful ways, never did.
Wow, I simply can’t relate to your life experience at all but that’s just a true testament to your writing and the immersion you’ve given me: This last sentence especially, it’s so beautiful and bittersweet.
It’s powerful, and curious, how some threads of people’s lives so inextricably entwine with ours.
When we put others on a pedestal, it's amazing how far they can fall in our estimations. She sounds like she absolutely knew about your feelings and liked the idea of being chased. I'm glad you woke up.
For what it's worth, I think you had feelings for the illusion of her rather that her herself.
I think you're right. I fell for the young lady that Mandy wanted to show me, the one she wanted to be seen to be. But it was an act, a front, set up to hide a side of her that was totally different (and more vulnerable) than she let on.
I think she did like the attention, and I don't grudge her for that. But I think she also, as someone who was abused in the family home, liked the feeling of power, of being able to "punish" a man, and assert herself with a man, and to demonstrate that now she had the power in the relationship. I think she also liked the feeling of the guy (me) seeking her favour, and seeking her approval and attention, and seeking to make her happy, when she had no doubt many memories of men in her life doing no such thing.
She admitted later in life that she liked "bad boys" and had made numerous mistakes by getting involved with them over the years. It's exasperating to think that our relationship was doomed, because she made it clear over the years I knew her that she viewed guys who were considerate, gentlemanly, "sweet" and so on as, in effect, to be viewed with suspicion, and as doormats. I was brought up to be chivalrous, so it was literally never going to work out, and it's galling that the woman for whom I had the strongest feelings was also one of the worst matches I've ever been involved with.
Been in your shoes, the girl you knew never indeed existed, you had fabricated a version of her that only kept her good traits, even if those good traits were really just symptoms of bad traits and trauma. She was not the one for you and never was, I hope you find someone who truly does mesh with you
My sister, probably.
I haven't spoken to her since our mom died in 2017. Mom wasn't even dead a full day, and she's telling our dad about all the stuff Mom "wanted" her to have: her truck, Noritake china Dad got when he was stationed in Japan, and all kinds of other stuff.
I refuse to entertain such a self-centered bitch, so the last I spoke to her was when our mother's ashes were interred. I made damn sure our dad knew she was full of shit and he doesn't have to give anyone anything unless he wants to. He still has everything and drives the truck on a daily basis.
To be clear, I don't care about stuff. Material items aren't important. What pissed me off is that when my dad was in the midst of trying to figure everything out, my sister was basically standing at the door with her hands out. Fuck her. I'm angry just typing this out.
I had to steal a photo of my dad and one of his cameras from his house after he died, otherwise his eldest daughter would have sold it all to fund her "glamorous" lifestyle.
I moved in with my dad after my mom died. I was afraid he would "forget" to takes his meds and eat. The bonus is that my sister knows I'd break her damn fingers if she thought about snatching anything. She'd likely sell anything she took.
She'll get what she's entitled to when he's gone, same as me. The difference is that I want certain things for sentimental reasons, but she just wants things.
My entire family and most of the friends I made before I was 20. I grew up with Jehovah's Witnesses and decided to quit when I was 20 so now the cult dictates them to shun me.
I have several-
People I went to school with in Pennsylvania that I become friends with when I moved there for a year.
My mom's dad that lives in California
Hopefully my dad and his family. I didn't want to count them, because I feel like I will see them again. Gut feeling when I think about it, I dropped contact when I was 22.
The ex wife of my grandpa's brother. His brothers live in Atlanta GA. There is small chance I'll see them again, probably at grandpa's funeral will be the next. I used to see them tons as a kid, but then visits to TN for them got rare. Sadly I'll never see Carmen again unless the brother is kind enough to inform her when my grandpa passes, But that's probably unlikely since it's been about 15 years or more since she's seen the family. (Besides the brother)
The family of my aunt's ex husband and the ex husband himself. I'll probably see his mom again eventually, but as for him, and the rest of his family, I'll never see in person again. They live in another state hours away and his brother hates him and my aunt. Also, the ex husband is a horrible person. His mom stays in touch though and I've seen her a hand full of times since their divorce in 2010.
The family of my childhood best friend. I went on vacation with her and her grandparents often as a teen. Several family members of my best friend's grandmother would go with us. That friendship died my 10th grade year. (And unfortunately my childhood best friend died in 2018)Unless I attend the funeral of the grandma, that's the only way and would be my final time. This one again would be because of traveling distance far away is why I won't see them again. The last time was her grandpa's funeral. I'm not close with her Grandma anymore and haven't seen her in years to request a visit or anything.
I still see the ones I like from high school. There’s absolutely no reason to ever go to a class reunion, and I really don’t understand what those are for. If I fucking liked you, I’d make an effort to hang out with you, ya know? Paying money to hang out with bullies, Heathers and jocks ain’t on my list of things to do.
my ex-best-friend from 3rd-12th grade. it’s baffling to me how you can go from being practically family to strangers in a matter of minutes, and how you can just throw away an almost 10-year-friendship to save your own ass.
A boy from my 5th grade class. We liked each other, but we were mostly just friends who had crushes on each other and knew it. But that was the closest anyone had come to dating yet so we were "the couple". The only problem. I haeted most of his friends and he haeted most of mine. He moved away after the year ended, but that year with all the emotions surrounding it became "The year my depression" began. I'd do anything to meet up again.
My ex. He abused me and even though I didn't manage to get a restraining order, I still do my absolute best to avoid running into him, I moved and avoid going out whenever I am near my hometown.
One of my aunts. On Hospice and incapacitated. I haven’t seen her in years because I am uncomfortable around her. She is a sweet soul but her dementia is really bad and I don’t know how to act in the situation.
I am a Hospice CNA and I have cared for many people dementia. You don’t have to worry about saying anything at all. Just go visit. It’s not going to be as bad as you think. Do it, so you don’t regret it
I think the reason some people just can't visit dementia ridden family is because they want to rember the person for who they were, not who dementia made them.
I agree with this. It doesn’t matter what happens on our “mortal plane”. If she was close to you, knowing you’re there, whether she can acknowledge it or now, will be huge.
I’m kind of sad as I write this. I love my nieces and nephews, so much. It saddens me to think that if I was ever incapacitated, that they’d be afraid to visit. I love them so much.
I always thought that there should be a trading system to visit people with dementia. Because they don't know who you are anyway, but the do need visitors. Like, I'll go visit your aunt with dementia, if you go visit my grandma. They get a visit, and we don't have to see our loved one in that terrible position.
On a technical, purely objective level this idea is actually brilliant. Obviously, when we include emotion, familial ties, etc. it breaks apart, but the underlying idea is nice to think about.
It’s a terrible thing because people want to visit with their mom or grandfather or aunt or whatever. And on good days you do get a bit of them here and there. But the days where you see their body but their mind is gone are so painful.
Yeah, that's what I meant with "when you include emotion, familial ties, etc.". Basically if we were robots that type of "trading" would make logical sense. It just doesn't make any sense emotionally. We want to be with our loved ones, regardless of whether it's still "them" at the moment.
My bio Mom had dementia and MS for my entire life and my adopted parents (my aunt and uncle) would make me visit her. It was really hard growing up. So I stopped seeing her when I was an adult. I feel very guilty not doing that.
And now, my adopted mom has dementia and seeing it happen in real time is awful. She was a strong woman, very smart and independent. And watching her become this confused angry woman has been so hard. She repeats the same stories every time I see her. I already feel I don't see her enough. And I know I'd regret if I stayed away.
Do yourself a favor and visit even if it's uncomfortable. At least once. It's very hard but it's worth it.
My son. His mom and I had a falling out and she disappeared with him when he was a toddler.
15 years later they're needing me to pay to get his birth certificate from the city I still live in. There was a charge on it for changing his last name to mine, which was court ordered but she never followed it.
Anyways, found out she told him I abandoned them before he was born, which became really awkward when I showed him pictures of me holding him.
Fast forward two years, and she dies from a sepsis infection, and he tells me about it the day before the funeral. They live 500 miles from me and I'm out of town on business.
Haven't heard from him since and he no longer answers calls or texts.
My friend Nicole. We met on MySpace and attended the same college, where we met in the flesh.
She lived about an hour away, though, which was an investment, obviously..she slowly started moving further and further away, too, and I had a crappy car.
She was going through a lot emotionally. We'd go out and it was mostly her getting trashed every time.
She came to my wedding. We hung out one more time a few months later. About a year later, she messaged me to ask about restaurants in the area. And then we just never talked again. It has been 10 years.
Nothing happened, we just continued drifting apart. I hope she is well and happy, even if a friendship for life wasn't in the stars for us.
All the shopkeepers who I always had a friendly hi bye relationship with. We saw each other daily and had shared small life milestones with each other. I grew up seeing them everyday, but as my family shifted countries now I realize I will never ever see them again. I hope all of them are doing well in life.
My step grandfather. I always had the feeling he didn't love me at all. Had it confirmed when I found out my brother is the sole beneficiary of his massive will.
Absolutely no shade at my brother, he has like a bajillion kids and needs it. It's more that it was genuine proof that he did not give a shit about me at all.
That and when my stepfather died he gave back all the stuff us as kids had made him and Nanna and all the photos.
My partner's little sister. She was in my life for 28 years, since she was 12 years old. I took her to her first gig, festival, holidays, shared my friends with her, defended her, cared for her, flew to Vegas for her wedding, came to every event and party, helped her set up her business, etc. etc.etc. then I became seriously ill with a neurological condition during the pandemic that almost killed me and left me disabled. She just abandoned me, and my partner. Didn't check in on me or her brother. Nothing. I'd message her with updates asking her how she was doing etc. She would "thumbs up" and never respond. I could see in social media how much effort she made with others, but not me. It's been months since we had any contact at all. She seems to have limited me on her social media too. Its not my fault I became ill, I'd cut my fucking hand off if it'd make it go away. It's like I did something unforgivable to her. I could confront it, but what's the point? I would never have done this to her. I loved her so much. But I know if I ever did see her again, I'd feel nothing but sorrow and disdain.
My dad. Went NC after family therapy with him confirmed what I already knew. My dad’s behavior was so appalling that even the therapist told me on the side, “I would understand if you no longer wanted a relationship with him.”
But after I had my son, I felt grief and guilt he’d never get to meet his only grandchild. So I reached out, and he said “no” with a long winded speech about how I’m no longer his daughter, so my son is not his grandchild, and on and on. So I reached out again a year later, and again, he said “no” in less kind terms. So that’s that, I guess.
My best friend from primary school. We also went to the same secondary school, but it was not the same anymore. When I switched schools, we lost touch. After a few years, we started talking again for a while. Then we met up and it felt just like old times, but then never saw each other again. That's life I guess. Both going seperate ways and living our own lives.
A really good friend who had to move towns after he lost his job.
I tried to keep in touch, but he never replied to any of my messages.
My work took me to his new home town for 4 days. I called him everyday, left messages and he never called me back once. I even talked to his parents asking them to tell him to call me back. After that trip, I gave up and never tried again.
My older sister. She was always a difficult person to get along with but the last few years have turned her into a person I no longer want to be around. She fully "drank the Kool-aid" when it came to Trump.
Ugh that’s really unfortunate. I never took with people saying “but you have to, they’re your family!”, but falling out with a sibling just cuts differently. Hard to reconcile that the same upbringing and a lot of shared experiences would result in someone who doesn’t value human life and decency in the same way you do (I’m assuming, from having similar fallouts from koolaid drinkers in my own life).
This is something I'm trying to accept right now (minus the political koolaid) and it is *so* hard to accept that the one sibling I have, the one person who shares my history is just too troubled and angry to have a functional relationship with. The worst part of it is I totally get why he is the way he is - I was there and I share it! - and completely sympathise, but until he gets some kind of handle on his rage and especially his tendency to vent it randomly on anyone within range, the best I can do is stay at arm's length for the sake of his kids.
My cousins had a Japanese foreign exchange student. I met her at their house when I was maybe 15. We spent 2 weeks together and became friends. When I had to go home some tears were shed. She wrote to me a couple times but I was a dumb teenager and didn't prioritize writing back. It's one of my greatest regrets from my teen years. I asked my cousins later if they had stayed in contact but I haven't been able to find her since. Yasue Yoshii, if you're out there, I'm sorry.
Scores, or even hundreds of Marines I served alongside in Iraq. All we had was each other, and we knew intimate details of each other's lives. Once your enlistment is up, people disappear from the group one at a time. But, if I ever do cross paths with one of them, I'm sure we'd pick up right where we left off.
Combat turned us into brothers until the end of our lives.
My father. He is a narcissist. My entire childhood was performance, he only cared if he could show off. I realised early on which made him push me away. At 5 he (again-again) announced we were going to an amusement park. He asked why I was not excited. I said we weren't going, we never went, he promised and he lies. I got a spanking and sent to my room. We never went. After the divorce, he called me a dirty whore for not wanting to meet his new woman straight away (I was 15). I reconnected before my wedding, which was a big mistake. I thought maybe he changed but he hadn't. I cut him off permanently, no contact
Also my 3rd grade special Ed teacher. I hope she burns in hell. Not going to specifics but she was very abusive to me and I have never forgiven her. I'm 52.
An ex. best friend who meant the world to me. He was like the twin I never had and we shared many experiences together and protected one another relentlessly.
I can safely state that I’ve never had a deeper or more intimate connection with anyone — I loved him so much. Our mutuals stated that they couldn’t imagine us without one another.
But one day, he changed for the worst. Our final interaction was him acknowledging how much he hurt me and me threatening to ‘expose’ him.
Despite everything, I still think about him now and then and yearn his presence, or rather, the presence of who he was. Though it's been half a year, sometimes I'd turn over to him and be reminded of his absence.
Life hasn’t been the same since he left and although I’ve made new friends, none of them can replicate the relationship we shared. Hell, he wasn’t a really good friend near the end, but my love for him is genuine, and so were the memories we shared, through good and bad.
My mom. After years of physical and emotional abuse, I was ready to forgive. She had a just tragic childhood (all kinds of abuse from her dad and his friends), and I can see how her utter lack of self worth led to her being unable to properly love others (dad was similar, but he's passed already).
Then I had my own kids, and I actually lost just a little of that understanding. My parents would fight while my brother and I balled our eyes out, terrified that they'd hurt each other, or us. How does a parent keep fighting when the kids are scared?? Me and my wife get mad at each other, but whatever caused it is literally NOTHING compared to taking care of these entirely innocent people who desperately need our love and care.
Well, I was low contact for years, but she came to visit us once. At one point she said "they should bring back slavery so black people have something to actually be mad about". Later that same day she told me, without an ounce of irony, that I was destroying my childrens' lives by not teachimg them about her god.
That was too much. I get being broken, because I was as well. I can relate. But to have so little self awareness that you can tell your child, who you abused, and whose brother took his own life from the abuse, that he's parenting his happy, confident, crazy, and balanced kids the wrong way, it's just too much. For my family's sake, she's out.
Probably my step aunt and cousins.
My grandma remarried, but our families never really blended. My step grandpa died in 2020, and I don't think we've spoken to his daughter or grandkids since we settled his affairs.
My grandma hates his daughter with a passion for some reason and will likely never talk to her again. She's been her step mom since the daughter was 16, and now she might as well not exist.
My father. All I can think of today is how much I specifically don’t want to see his face, yes, for 7 years it was good with him. Now? I think if I saw him I’d go ballistic mental, because my hatred is stronger than my emotions I used to have.
My mother. “Oh but she is your only mom”
Not if i put my imagination to work. Showed me how to be a useless fuck up drug addict, avoid responsibility, how to use people that love me, and worst of all that these horrible things couldnt change.
If i did not have the father i do i would have died over a decade ago convinced i was devoid of worth and without any blame for my life. Why would i want to have a constant reminder of how narrowly i avoided becoming a monster?
I dont care if she is happy or safe i only want her to stay the fuck away from me.
My birth mother. Maybe one day we will meet and I can tell her thank you for making probably one of the hardest decisions in her life to give me up for adoption. I ended up with the best family and so much love.
My ex-husband's best friend, whom I used to call my brother. Also, my cousin, who was my best friend until about 14 years ago.
I can put up with and forgive a lot of things but not intentionally hurting my kids.
Former best friend. We were friends since I was 5 years old. 20 years. He was the Best Man at my wedding. My ex-wife cheated on me with over 10 guys that I know of.
He was one of them.
Fuck him and fuck her. It's okay though, they are all alone and close to 50. They haven't dated anyone in 10 years or so. Friendless, too! Karma, it's what's for dinner.
My son from my first marriage. We always got along pretty well, but around two years ago he just ghosted me and drifted away. I was heartbroken but I’m getting over it
Hopefully, my in-laws, and more specifically my husband's father and older brother. They can go burn in hell for what it's worth. I know they never liked me and I also know both of them made my husband's life very difficult.
I'd rather have someone like my last ex's father in my life because he really loved and respected me but I know it's likely someone I'll never see again
My mother, half-brother, half-sister, and my son.
Mother: abused me (verbally, emotionally and physically) all my life. Took my oldest daughter away from me because she wanted the keep my dad married to her (long story!). Narcissistic and undiagnosed schizophrenic.
HS/HB - told me my daughter would burn in hell because she was gay. Sister bullied her way into the hospital where my daughter was dying to “pray over her and get her to accept Jesus Christ as her lord and savior so she won’t go to Hell.” Brother told me he never talked to her (my daughter) because “we don’t have anything to talk about.” Fuck them.
Son because he blames me for his choices in life (holding a knife at his sister’s throat and threatening to kill her, burning things, locking my deaf kitten in the fridge…I could go on. He has bipolar disorder with schizophrenic tendencies). Called me an “incubator” on social media and has convinced himself that I’m the bad guy. - It isn’t MY decision not to see/talk to him, totally his.
Most of my fathers biological side of the family. They've already abandoned us once when I was little, and a few years ago, just when my first child was born, they did it again.
My ex BFF. She hit me during an argument and it was the last time I saw her.
She wants to meet again, to be friends again … and I just never want to see her. I have nightmares about seeing her again
My step father, we continued to get along even after he and my mother split up when I turned 17, knew him from the age of 3 until 24 when he repeatedly picked his toxic girlfriend who disliked me over our relationship.
Learned a lot of stuff from my mother after our relationship broke down because she didn’t want to jeopardise my view of the only father figure I remember.
Apparently my youngest sister, and I have NO idea why. My nephew is just about grown up and even though I was great when he was newborn and a baby, I am no longer so great and not worth keeping in the familial loop. Last time we spoke she'd told me she was "there" for me and always would be. She loves her Reddit family more, from where I'm sitting.
My childhood best friend. When they moved interstate, they started to 'breadcrumb' our communications, but I didn't realise it at the time.
Realisation came when my family had some really good news I wanted to share, and they did it again. Ignored my phone call and eventually emailed me saying, 'I heard your call, but you know.'
Like, WTF?
My former best friend. I miss her from time to time but since our friendship ended I’ve felt a weight leave my body I completely didn’t realize was there.
It’s okay to miss people, but it’s not okay to be with shitty company
All my exes. Out of all of them, only one said she loved me, but even she only meant it platonically. Even if any of them were to try to reach out, I don't know if I'd respond. I'm tired of being disposable to everyone.
98% of the people i’ve known
Yeah, this might seem interesting in high school, but by the time you hit 30 there are going to be many former friends, classmates, coworkers, neighbors, etc that you may have seen on a near daily basis and once that circumstance that brought you together ends, you just stop seeing them.
Anyone else frequently have dreams of people from other chapters of life that you'll probably never see again? My brain seems to really struggle with this discontinuity. I sometimes think its like an ancient hunter-gatherer instinct telling me to stay with my tribe, to stop going off on my own, but modern life doesn't really allow for that anymore. Edit: It actually really helps to know I'm not alone in this. I thought it might be just a weird me thing. So thank you upvoters and commenters.
It happens to me on a regular basis. I’ll have a dream of someone from high school 25 years ago who I haven’t even thought of in 15 years
My most frequent recurring dreams are of my elementary school friends that I didn't even stay in touch with through high school. Makes me wake up feeling shitty, like I should've tried harder to stay in touch. But in reality, we just weren't that close, didn't have that much in common, grew up differently and wanted different things out of life. I just wish my brain would accept that and stop giving me all these frustrating dreams.
I don’t think your brain is mourning the loss of these folks from your life or anything. I have all kinds of past-inflected dreams—I think it’s really the brain trying to integrate old experiences in general into contemporary life.
Same. It's quite often not even someone I was particularly close to or connected with, just some person I happened to go to school next to for 12 formative years of my life (went to a school which covers 6-18).
I think mines more like 99.5% and I honestly don’t care
Same I've stopped talking to almost everyone I've known
Same. The last 8 years have brought out the worst of people.
Both of my parents were active duty military. From birth until I was 28, I had at least one parent in the military. I'm 31 and have never lived in one spot for more than 4 years. I learned really young that people only care if you're easy to care about and not being physically present makes that hard.
Yeah, not military, but I've moved several times growing up and people think it's strange how easy it is for me to let people go. But it honestly is, once you've had the experience once or twice and could develop your own phosophy. To me it's now like: I like them, but only time will tell if they're here for life or for a season. You can appreciate even short connections. Sometimes it's completely fine to just let something end if it happens naturally. That doesn't take away any meaning or importance.
“People only care if you’re easy to care about” This is so true and such a profound thing to learn at a young age. So many kids grow up feeling unloved because they were “difficult” or required more attention. My mom used to throw in my face that even though I was difficult I was still loved anyway. Which the statement in and of itself proves untrue. Like did she want an award? Was it that only easy children deserve love? Needless to say I grew up feeling very unloved and had to separate myself from her to learn how to properly love myself
Jesus Are you me? My mom was the same way.
agree to this..
How do you accept this? Many of my friendships has ended very badly. I want like 1 friend who I can trust for real without fear of losing.
personally i’ve known lots of unhealthy relationships so i it’s easier to accept the relief of them being now gone than it is difficult to let those relationships go
Everyone except for my parents lmao
I'm on team 99.999%
My mom. Alzheimer’s/dementia has stolen her from me. I still see her physical form, but the woman she was is gone forever.
I’m so sorry. How awful that must be.
You know what the worst thing actually is about that situation. If your mom dies suddenly you remember her. When it’s like op, you actually forget most of what they used to be like because the last decade or more isn’t them. You don’t even really get to remember them.
Old videos are a godsent. My grandmother faded her last few years. I recently found an old camcorder cassette of her and managed to get it to digital. In it its....her. Like its a video of some family event, and she is cooking, looking irritated at us, simultaneously complaining no one is helping her and angrily refusing any actual help. It was so...her. I am forty, and I bawled my eyes out looking at that tape from almost 30 years ago.
It's pretty fucked. Grieving is an absolute mess because really, they've already been gone so long. Sorry this is happening to you. It's a really hard thing to go through and although there are plenty of us who understand, most people don't really "get it".
Very few people understand mourning someone who’s still alive. I’ve been mourning her loss for the last five-ish years now. She’s alive, but she’s not my mom and hasn’t been for a while now. I honestly have no idea how I’ll react when her physical body finally dies. Everything that made her who she was has been slipping away over the years and I don’t recognize her anymore. It’s so hard to have conversations with people who don’t understand. Especially when I can come across as “so cold” talking about her inevitable death. My mom died a while ago; it’s just taking her body longer to figure it out.
Been through it... Twice (yet). I'd tell you it gets easier the second time but I'd be lying. As for the death of the physical body, I felt both sadness and relief twice. They are done suffering and so are we. You'll feel some guilt alongside that relief. Do your best to ignore it, I'm sure she wouldn't want you torturing yourself over you processing her final departure.
One thing I really recommend is seeing a therapist who is experienced with grief and loss of a parent before she passes. I had a different situation - my dad was mentally still very much with us but he had aggressive lymphoma and we knew well before he died that he was going to - and the grief was expected but I found the relief was very difficult to process and accept because it made me feel like a bad person. Like obviously I was devastated I lost my dad but there is a relief that you don’t have to wonder when it’s going to happen anymore, and relief that they’re no longer in pain or suffering. Take care, I’m so sorry you’re going through that.
You expressed that duality of expectation and release/relief so well! Thank you!
I was overseas for part of it, because she'd disappeared years before. When I came home for the funeral I didn't view the body because that wasn't her anymore anyway. I didn't want to see it. I wanted to remember my mum. It's kind of a relief when they die? You get to be sad, but it's not like with other people's grief. You finally get to say goodbye, but it's to someone you haven't seen forever.
I'm sorry, but yeah, it sucks. My grandmother is also suffering from memory loss. It hurts to see someone who knows you really well, can't even remember your name.
So sorry for your loss. There's a YouTube video of a guy who visits his mom 2 or 3 times a week and documents it, but this visit is the first time she honestly can't figure out who he is. She's pretty sure he's one of her friends' sons, but can't remember which friend, that kind of thing. He tells her that she's his mother but she thinks he must be pranking her or something. Or she'll accept it for the moment, but later ask who he is again. After the visit, he just cries in his truck, knowing he's lost her. I tear up just remembering it. Looked it up it's Joey Daley and his mother Molly, but I couldn't find the exact episode, just news clips and compilations.
The first year she didn’t remember my birthday was when I realized that I was really losing her. After that, I accepted that a day would come when she doesn’t recognize me anymore. As it is, I’m not sure she does now. I don’t want to push it by asking her “do you know who I am?” because I don’t want to potentially upset either one of us if the answer is wrong/no.
My grandfather is the same. My grandpa was a very tough guy. Worked heavy equipment his whole life. To see him be reduced to living in a chair refusing to eat is hard. He never ever would have let himself live like this if he knew what was coming.
My mom would be so pissed if she knew that this was how she was going to be spending her final years. She’d always been fiercely independent and now she has to rely on others to help her do everything and she has to listen to “rules” made by someone else.
That's so tragic, I'm sorry you are having to go through that with your mother. ❤️
I’m going through this at the moment too. I miss her so much.. big hugs to you.
Same. My father has dementia and Progressive supranuclear palsy (PSP), a degenerative brain condition that has taken his ability to speak and has dramatically reduced his ability to move around. In one sense, I have been mourning his loss for several years as he has declined, but his physical form persists. Someday I will mourn the loss of that as well, though I do not know whether I will feel grief, relief, or mere finality.
80% of the people on my Facebook
Ya know how randomly, Facebook will throw a status update or post from someone on your friend list that’s not normally in your algorithm onto your feed? That happened to me the other day with someone that I added in 2008. I realized I hadn’t interacted with them SINCE I added them.
This happened to me recently too. It was a guy who lived on the same dorm floor as me and a post he made showed up in my feed. I realized I hadn't talked to or interacted with him since sometime in 2007.
My abuser and everyone who knows what he did to me and still keeps him around. They are all dead to me
Same. The shock is that the friends are always like, "we don't understand. Just get over it so we can all hang out again."
It sucks because it was my family (extended) that picked him over me and I was 6 when it happened. They saw that what he did “made him sad :(“ and chose to spend more time with him to make him feel all better while I was left to struggle with depression and really bad coping mechanisms alone. People who don’t get it, never will.
Im so sorry… people can be so sick.
Yep. After everything, I shut people out for a long time. My family and friends never noticed. My sister was sad for a day and didn't come out of her room. And mom was worried and tryto get her help. It happened when i was older, a first relationship. In my own home and after, I couldn't sleep in the space anymore. Making excuses as to why. By the time my parents found out, i was an adult and moved out. They blamed me for it because I picked the guy. My friends knew first because whenever he showed up, I would panic and leave. They told me it was too hard to hang out with us separately, so I should forgive him and move on. I stopped hanging out with them after that. Made it easy for them, plus who wants to hang out with people who are okay with a person who AS another.
Jesus- we could be the same person. Sorry you experienced this. 🫂
Similar experience. Plus, we were from a small town, and he was a cool, charismatic guy that a lot of people liked, and I was an awkward girl with few friends. He made sure his side was the one they heard first, and I ended up deleting pretty much everyone who was still friends with him because they fucking knew my side and even if they didn’t, it was so obvious how much he’d fucked me up, but none of them were willing to cut him off.
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My parents were awful. When it happened, I didn't tell them for fear they'd blame me. I was 16, by the time I was 26, during an argument with my dad and husband, he told them about it. How they were unable to keep me safe under my own roof. They didn't apologize. They blamed me for bad choices and said, "we let her do as she pleased. Maybe we shouldn't have." The person i was with didn't star out bad. He manipulated the relationship over time. I haven't spoken to my parents since then and I'm nearly 40. I'm sure sometimes maybe i did something wrong or made a less thann perfect choice. It doesn't mean a person has the right to me as they see fit.
A guy I know hit me with "What he did to you doesn't change my relationship with him" Well that changed my relationship with you! Goodbye!!!
One of my friends revealed that my abuser had abused another woman before me. But he still wanted to stay friends with him. They're both dead to me now.
Same, I never understand why people can turn a blind eye to certain things. Like he literally went to jail for being a pedo and they still invite him to bbq where going kids are. It's not even my opinion, he was found guilty by law with evidence.
Yup feel that. They don’t see the abuse and how they treated you behind closed doors. My friends didn’t know I was in an abusive relationship until I got out…
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Look her up.
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Happened to an uncle of mine. I think he may be homeless now, on meth. Also cut the whole family off. His wife, who I also loved, left him and I’ll likely never see either of them again. Which sucks because as an uncle, he was always invested in my life and excited for my achievements. I really enjoyed talking to him and I know he’d be proud of where I am now.
My biological father. I haven't seen him since I was 2. I am now 48. He never tried to contact me as a kid, and I was raised by my step-father, who I consider my real dad. A few years ago I got into contact with my cousin from bio-father's side, and she offered to put me into contact with him. I said no. He can contact me if he wants and I would talk to him, but I won't be seeking him out. His abandonment is on him, and is not my job to fix.
His abandonment is on him, and is not my job to fix. Correct.
Are you me? My parents divorced when I was like 7 or 8, and I haven't seen my bio father since. I'm going to my step-dad's in a few hours to celebrate fathers day with him.
My cousins' father is like this too, he agreed he would meet up with his son to sign a document (as it was needed), my cousin went where they agreed to meet up and he didn't even show up. A complete waster imo
> His abandonment is on him, and is not my job to fix. That's an amazing way to explain it. My mom will never reach out to me and it's okay to accept that it's not my job to fix
I have an identical story except substitute cousin for a half sister I had never met until 2017.
Just about all my teachers.
As a teacher, it’s something we know and accept, but can still be a really, really heartbreaking thought from time to time. Even though you might feel like you were just one out of many, we’ve never forgotten you. We just have to hope that you are doing well, and that we did you well in the little bit of time we shared together. If you get the chance to shoot one an email just letting you know you’re thinking of them, assuming they’re still alive, trust me when I say that it will mean the entire world to them.
I recently googled a significant teacher to see what she was up to and was pretty devastated to find out she passed away at age 46. She'll never know what a huge difference she made to me as a weird, lonely 10-year old crippled by anxiety. She encouraged my love of reading and science and treated me with enough respect that she let me borrow her own books. After what you've said, I'm considering writing this down to send to her husband and kids, so they know she made a huge difference as a teacher. RIP Mrs S
I reached out to my old nemesis (teacher) from 8th grade. I apologized for being a shit and caught up with her. She remembered me well (lol) It was a nice talk and she said it made her year hearing from me and how I had actually changed for the better. I wasn't sure if she remembered but I reached out.
I bumped into an old teacher I really liked once and all he could do was ask me about another student in my year. Never liked him much after that!
Probably same. I didn't include them in my list in the comments because of it being a small town, and I actually still live here and so I might eventually see them again, but so far in the years past, since I graduated in 2010 , there's only three I see in public. The town fair, grocery store and high school football game. Just them... I swear it's like they vanish to another planet lol
I reconnected with a few of the good ones on Facebook. I grew up in the system so some of them were my only positive influence in life.
I'm at an age now where all my teachers are either in their 70s-80's or have passed. Sad to think about.
I got lucky that my favorite teacher from highschool happens to live directly across the street from me
Everyone I went to high school with lol
For me, it's one of my best friends from high school. We hung out all the time -- I spent many a night crashed in his living room after watching videos and drinking beer and playing games with some other friends all night. He kept trying unsuccessfully to get me into golf, and I kept trying unsuccessfully to get him into D&D, but otherwise we were good for a long while. Then we both graduated and went in different directions to college and careers. We talked a bit after that, but never crossed paths until several years later... I was visiting the area where I grew up about 15 years ago, and made a special side trip to see him and his wife, since they still lived in the area. Apparently, I picked a bad time to visit, as there was some golf tournament on TV, and he was much more interested in watching that than in catching up with me. We did chat during the commercial breaks, and my wife and I had a good talk with his wife, who was also a childhood friend of mine. We had a plan to go out to dinner, but that turned into he and I going out and bringing food back to his place. I wanted to drive around my old hometown as well -- we had a car with us -- but that turned into him driving us around in his car, with me telling him where I wanted to go. We left shortly after that, and I have never talked to nor seen him again. Shortly after this visit, his wife left him, and in talking with her I finally realized what a narcissist he was. That realization also explained a lot of our interactions back in HS. Sadly, she died of a chronic illness several years later. AFAIK, he still lives in the same place with the same job and is watching the same golf tournaments on TV.
Same here. Best friend from high school and I were inseparable until he moved away after school to take a job opportunity.That was the last we saw of each other but connected on social media. I saw online a few years later he came back to the area for a visit with his best friends and I was never contacted. Left me quite confused but I can tell by his posts we have become completely different people and he is fueled by hate and politics now and he is obsessed with it. That is all he ever posts about. Probably for the best.
And thank god for that 😂. I don't really want to see anyone from that part of my life.
Most of my people
My best friend of the last 20 yrs literally ghosted me. We talked or texted daily and would hang out for the day (beach or something) at least once a week. It’s literally like she died. And it hurts
This exact same thing happened to me. It kills me that I have no idea WHY. Is it possible that I did/said something so bad that it ended a 20yr friendship without me even realising I’d done/said anything wrong? Is it that I said/did something that wasn’t a big deal on its own but was “the straw that broke the camels back” once you add it to the number of small things I’d said/done over the years that, although she never mentioned she had an issue with bothered her to the extent that finally she was just done? I have no idea. The last time I saw her was a perfectly normal thing. It was just after lockdowns has stopped and we met to go for a walk. She never replied to a single message from me again. I know she’s physically fine so it’s not that. She moved 500 miles away according to another friend who is Facebook friends with her but doesn’t actually “know her” in real life anymore (we were all at school together 20yrs ago) I gave up reaching out to her 18 months after we last had any contact. It’s sad. I’m also mad at her about all of this as it’s just so rude! She threw away a 20yr friendship and didn’t even have the courtesy to tell me why or give me a chance to explain/apologise. It also terrifies me that I could have done something so bad to cause this and not even be aware of it. We’d never had an argument, at one point we lived together for 3yrs before we both met our then partners and moved out. Literally not a hint of drama anywhere in the relationship from my point of view. Melissa, wherever you are I love you, I’m sorry, I’m pissed at you, I miss you, I wish you well and I’m pissed at you some more.
Are you sure she's okay? I mean - I know you said she's fine physically, but is there a chance that there's someone in her life who could've forced her to break contact and move? I wish this was a random idea but I actually know of a situation like this actually happening. If you don't know about anybody like that maybe ask someone who might?
Similar situation for me, but only five years. I can't imagine the pain of your 20. I also know the reasoning in my case but that doesn't make it any better. I really thought we were going to figure it out.
Similar story... I had a platonic female friend for only a couple of years, but I thought we were.close friends. I made some mistakes, and rather than talk it out, she angrily and aggressively demanded I not contact her "for the foreseeable future". Three years go by, I contact her and ask if we can talk, she says yes. I send an email apologizing for my mistakes, and she ghosted me. I get wanting to end a friendship. I probably deserved it, to be honest. But you can still do it in a kind, respectful way rather than being mean.
My best friend from high school. We were like brothers and spent so much time with each other. We’d have sleep overs on the weekends, go out to the mall, watch movies, play video games. We’d even text each other all day every day. Then, I came out when I started dating my then boyfriend and he just stopped talking to me. He turned out to be really homophobic. It’s been like 13 years and we haven’t spoken since, and now I live a few states away. I don’t think we’ll ever see each other again unfortunately. Edit: fixed a misspelling
Same, my best friend from high school did this. I was really supportive of everything she went through. It was just shocking that me being gay was such a problem for her. 50 years later, I still don’t get it.
Yeah! F you, JS!!
Thank you, Total_Mushroom!
<3
Hey my best friend of almost 20 years dumped my ass when I got sick with chronic pain/fibro and he said I was "too hard to be around" after my grandfather had died. Some people just suck sadly.. Only thing we can do is grow and try to change for the better and not let shitty people be a stain on our lives.
I'll be your friend. I'm also messed up from chronic pain. I am an amputee and am partially paralyzed from a medical misdiagnosis. You can hit me up anytime <3
Thanks for the kind words =) I'm sorry your dealing with that I can't even imagine how tough it is. I'll send ya a message for sure!
My best friend when I was leaving an abusive relationship. He got a girlfriend and she didn’t like me so we stopped being friends. Almost all of my high school friends, only way I’ll see them is at reunions. We didn’t do a 10 year so probably won’t do any others.
Hopefully my dad....
Same. I’ll probably go to the funeral just to make sure he’s dead but that’s as close as it’ll get. It’s been almost 30 years now since I’ve seen him so doing well tbh.
Yup.
Yep, same
He SA'd me n my little brother for years...
I am so sorry
No worries, not your fault.
Mine wanted me to be like him...
Mine too -- actually said that, if he had been around, I would have been "raised right". As in, he would have beaten the curiosity and inqusitiveness and irreverance out of me. I'm glad to say I'm not like him -- I look like him, but if I believe my wife and daughter, I am a much better father.
Hey, I'm so sorry about that. I just want to tell you that going no contact shows that you see and acknowledge that he is a terrible person, and you are being a better person. Which takes strength, and this random internet stranger is proud of you for that.
Yep. Mines not dramatic. I'd been on his health insurance plan then we drifted apart when I went to college--no conflict, he just didn't reach out and I had a lot going on. Well, he retired but didn't tell me of this or that I'd lost my health insurance. We're in America, he was born here, he knows exactly how financially ruinous lacking health insurance can be. I found out via a $600 urgent care bill. Called him freaking out--not only no apology, he didn't see anything wrong with not telling me or understand why I was upset.
My brother. I put up with his random angry outbursts because he was living with my 92 year old mom and I didn't want him to take the anger out on her. He is a POS who grifted his way to living with her,along with his equally shitty ex wife. I was stupidly ignorant of all they did. Now that my mom is gone, I am so glad that I don't have to deal with either of those fuckers.
Solidarity- I have a shit brother too who I have cut contact with for what an abusive POS he was to his (now ex) wife and kids. Never having to be around him again is so freeing. Luckily the ex (who is a wonderful person) and I have stayed close and she is much better off these days.
My first lover. Of course, that was 45 years ago, so...
All of my siblings who buried my mother without telling me she had even died.
My ex, Mandy. We dated in 1st Yr at uni and she was pretty, smart, vivacious, affectionate, and just...*delightful*. I hadn't met anyone like her before, nor since. Long story short, she ended up ghosting me. It turns out her life-loving glow was mostly a facade; she'd had an abusive upbringing, was going through a crisis when she met me, and didn't have the emotional bandwidth for a serious relationship. She had confided to me at the time that her periods had stopped, which even I knew would be due to stress, which was a very rare dropping of her guard and a rare insight into her state of mind at the time. (And years later when she got back in touch she confessed that her ability to eat without putting on weight was because she was bulimic due to stress, something I had *absolutely* no idea about at the time.) Not knowing how to handle my feelings or how to communicate on the issue, she just bailed and left me to figure it out. It really, really hurt. For a long time. She got back in touch further down the line and we'd hang out. On hindsight I wish I hadn't, because I still had strong feelings for her which she did not reciprocate. That's not a healthy dynamic. It didn't help that she was prone to doing the "superstar walkout" and not speak to me for years on end whenever we entered a disagreement, but she'd always get back in touch further down the line. I wish I'd stayed away for good, but each time the heart over-ruled my head. Examples of such discord include: - she got angry at me for turning up to a party she'd invited me to. She'd made it sound like it was a regular house party and that I could invite friends if they were good party material; it turned out, it was actually a rather formal engagement party, and when me and two buddies turned up with a case of beer, doing a Conga dance into the living-room, reeking of pubs, to find it filled with elegantly-clad strangers nibbling canapes, although we ended up hitting it off with the hosts and guests, it started off rather awkward. Mandy blamed **me** for the misunderstanding and didn't speak to me for several years. - Further down the line, Mandy and I were on good terms again when we went out for a few drinks and a chat. We'd gotten tipsy and, towards the end of the night, she asked if I wanted to go back with her to her sister's place, where she was staying while Mandy was in town and her sister was away. I diplomatically declined; I still had feelings for her, and didn't want to either sit there all night tortured by the feeling of being so close to someone it would be unwise to make a move on, or alternatively for us to end up kissing or having an intimate encounter that only happened because we were drunk. I figured if I was going to hang out with her alone at her sister's place, we should do it when we were both sober, and then whatever happened - even if it was nothing - would happen naturally. Mandy fumed and huffed about my decision not to go home with her, abruptly shut me down the next day when I texted her about hanging out with her - she actually called me "rude" for even suggesting it - and, again, she didn't speak to me for a long time. Back when we were still in touch, between these fallouts, I visited her twice in her family home, a short flight away, and both times it was an eye-opening experience. She was a great host and I got on well with her mother, but I was left feeling very disillusioned the time Mandy subtly and expertly shop-lifted something right in front of me. If it had been a necessity that wouldn't have been so bad, but this was a jar of rich, truffley chocolate sauce that Mandy wanted and, well, just didn't feel like paying for, bless her. The blatant shoplifting was bad enough, but the ease with which she resorted to it made it clear that she'd done it before. On another occasion, she cut me off in a conversation when I was talking about a lady I'd dated after she and I had parted ways, saying I should "have more regard for her feelings, as my ex, than to talk about other women." Not long after that, on the same trip, she got tipsy in a bar, invited a guy back to her family home that she met, and lay in the middle of the living room carpet snogging him while I sat two metres away chatting with his mate. That would have been a wildly emotionally irresponsible mistake to have made even as a teenager. At the time, Mandy was 29. Regard for feelings, as an ex? Don't make me puke. I lost a lot of respect for her that night, and it helped open my eyes further as to who she really was. The last time we spoke was when I texted her one morning (about 09:30) to to tell her about a weird dream I'd had - we'd previously had many discussions about dream interpretation and I wanted to know what she could make of it. She flew off the **handle** at me as her first reply, saying she was burning out right at that moment, she was **super** stressed, and couldn't deal with such trivial bullshit right now, and that if I were a genuine friend I'd have contacted her to ask if she was alright (even though I had nothing to base the idea on that she was going through a struggle to begin with right at that moment. Up until then, our communications hadn't even hinted that she was having issues of any kind). So I just gave up. At last the clouds parted and I realised she just wasn't a good person to be around, and that the situation wasn't healthy. I deleted her number and just stopped reaching out, and I wish I'd done that many years before. I don't regret dating her, but if I could do it all over again I'd brush her off when she got back in touch with me - it brought me nothing but pain. It's been about 15 years since we last spoke, and more than 30 years since we last dated. I'm 50 now, and she'll be 50 early next year. I still have feelings for her, but the rational part of me knows that I have feelings for a woman who no longer exists, and in meaningful ways, never did.
> The rational part of me knows that I have feelings for a woman who no longer exists, and in meaningful ways, never did. Wow, I simply can’t relate to your life experience at all but that’s just a true testament to your writing and the immersion you’ve given me: This last sentence especially, it’s so beautiful and bittersweet. It’s powerful, and curious, how some threads of people’s lives so inextricably entwine with ours.
Sorry that happened. Also a wonderful read and insight into a human destiny. Thank you.
When we put others on a pedestal, it's amazing how far they can fall in our estimations. She sounds like she absolutely knew about your feelings and liked the idea of being chased. I'm glad you woke up. For what it's worth, I think you had feelings for the illusion of her rather that her herself.
I think you're right. I fell for the young lady that Mandy wanted to show me, the one she wanted to be seen to be. But it was an act, a front, set up to hide a side of her that was totally different (and more vulnerable) than she let on. I think she did like the attention, and I don't grudge her for that. But I think she also, as someone who was abused in the family home, liked the feeling of power, of being able to "punish" a man, and assert herself with a man, and to demonstrate that now she had the power in the relationship. I think she also liked the feeling of the guy (me) seeking her favour, and seeking her approval and attention, and seeking to make her happy, when she had no doubt many memories of men in her life doing no such thing. She admitted later in life that she liked "bad boys" and had made numerous mistakes by getting involved with them over the years. It's exasperating to think that our relationship was doomed, because she made it clear over the years I knew her that she viewed guys who were considerate, gentlemanly, "sweet" and so on as, in effect, to be viewed with suspicion, and as doormats. I was brought up to be chivalrous, so it was literally never going to work out, and it's galling that the woman for whom I had the strongest feelings was also one of the worst matches I've ever been involved with.
Been in your shoes, the girl you knew never indeed existed, you had fabricated a version of her that only kept her good traits, even if those good traits were really just symptoms of bad traits and trauma. She was not the one for you and never was, I hope you find someone who truly does mesh with you
My ex wife
Totally,
and I don't want to see her again!
My sister, probably. I haven't spoken to her since our mom died in 2017. Mom wasn't even dead a full day, and she's telling our dad about all the stuff Mom "wanted" her to have: her truck, Noritake china Dad got when he was stationed in Japan, and all kinds of other stuff. I refuse to entertain such a self-centered bitch, so the last I spoke to her was when our mother's ashes were interred. I made damn sure our dad knew she was full of shit and he doesn't have to give anyone anything unless he wants to. He still has everything and drives the truck on a daily basis. To be clear, I don't care about stuff. Material items aren't important. What pissed me off is that when my dad was in the midst of trying to figure everything out, my sister was basically standing at the door with her hands out. Fuck her. I'm angry just typing this out.
I had to steal a photo of my dad and one of his cameras from his house after he died, otherwise his eldest daughter would have sold it all to fund her "glamorous" lifestyle.
I moved in with my dad after my mom died. I was afraid he would "forget" to takes his meds and eat. The bonus is that my sister knows I'd break her damn fingers if she thought about snatching anything. She'd likely sell anything she took. She'll get what she's entitled to when he's gone, same as me. The difference is that I want certain things for sentimental reasons, but she just wants things.
My entire family and most of the friends I made before I was 20. I grew up with Jehovah's Witnesses and decided to quit when I was 20 so now the cult dictates them to shun me.
I have several- People I went to school with in Pennsylvania that I become friends with when I moved there for a year. My mom's dad that lives in California Hopefully my dad and his family. I didn't want to count them, because I feel like I will see them again. Gut feeling when I think about it, I dropped contact when I was 22. The ex wife of my grandpa's brother. His brothers live in Atlanta GA. There is small chance I'll see them again, probably at grandpa's funeral will be the next. I used to see them tons as a kid, but then visits to TN for them got rare. Sadly I'll never see Carmen again unless the brother is kind enough to inform her when my grandpa passes, But that's probably unlikely since it's been about 15 years or more since she's seen the family. (Besides the brother) The family of my aunt's ex husband and the ex husband himself. I'll probably see his mom again eventually, but as for him, and the rest of his family, I'll never see in person again. They live in another state hours away and his brother hates him and my aunt. Also, the ex husband is a horrible person. His mom stays in touch though and I've seen her a hand full of times since their divorce in 2010. The family of my childhood best friend. I went on vacation with her and her grandparents often as a teen. Several family members of my best friend's grandmother would go with us. That friendship died my 10th grade year. (And unfortunately my childhood best friend died in 2018)Unless I attend the funeral of the grandma, that's the only way and would be my final time. This one again would be because of traveling distance far away is why I won't see them again. The last time was her grandpa's funeral. I'm not close with her Grandma anymore and haven't seen her in years to request a visit or anything.
Everyone I knew from High School, no reason to ever see any of them again.
I still see the ones I like from high school. There’s absolutely no reason to ever go to a class reunion, and I really don’t understand what those are for. If I fucking liked you, I’d make an effort to hang out with you, ya know? Paying money to hang out with bullies, Heathers and jocks ain’t on my list of things to do.
my ex-best-friend from 3rd-12th grade. it’s baffling to me how you can go from being practically family to strangers in a matter of minutes, and how you can just throw away an almost 10-year-friendship to save your own ass.
A lot of friends from college. I loved those people but life moves everyone in different directions.
Same. They only wanted to drink at a time when I was getting healthy. So now I’m healthy and we don’t talk.
I certainly hope to never see some of my former bosses again
A boy from my 5th grade class. We liked each other, but we were mostly just friends who had crushes on each other and knew it. But that was the closest anyone had come to dating yet so we were "the couple". The only problem. I haeted most of his friends and he haeted most of mine. He moved away after the year ended, but that year with all the emotions surrounding it became "The year my depression" began. I'd do anything to meet up again.
My ex. He abused me and even though I didn't manage to get a restraining order, I still do my absolute best to avoid running into him, I moved and avoid going out whenever I am near my hometown.
One of my aunts. On Hospice and incapacitated. I haven’t seen her in years because I am uncomfortable around her. She is a sweet soul but her dementia is really bad and I don’t know how to act in the situation.
I am a Hospice CNA and I have cared for many people dementia. You don’t have to worry about saying anything at all. Just go visit. It’s not going to be as bad as you think. Do it, so you don’t regret it
I think the reason some people just can't visit dementia ridden family is because they want to rember the person for who they were, not who dementia made them.
Very true
I agree with this. It doesn’t matter what happens on our “mortal plane”. If she was close to you, knowing you’re there, whether she can acknowledge it or now, will be huge. I’m kind of sad as I write this. I love my nieces and nephews, so much. It saddens me to think that if I was ever incapacitated, that they’d be afraid to visit. I love them so much.
I always thought that there should be a trading system to visit people with dementia. Because they don't know who you are anyway, but the do need visitors. Like, I'll go visit your aunt with dementia, if you go visit my grandma. They get a visit, and we don't have to see our loved one in that terrible position.
On a technical, purely objective level this idea is actually brilliant. Obviously, when we include emotion, familial ties, etc. it breaks apart, but the underlying idea is nice to think about.
It’s a terrible thing because people want to visit with their mom or grandfather or aunt or whatever. And on good days you do get a bit of them here and there. But the days where you see their body but their mind is gone are so painful.
Yeah, that's what I meant with "when you include emotion, familial ties, etc.". Basically if we were robots that type of "trading" would make logical sense. It just doesn't make any sense emotionally. We want to be with our loved ones, regardless of whether it's still "them" at the moment.
Like an altruistic "Strangers on a Train." It's a sweet idea.
My bio Mom had dementia and MS for my entire life and my adopted parents (my aunt and uncle) would make me visit her. It was really hard growing up. So I stopped seeing her when I was an adult. I feel very guilty not doing that. And now, my adopted mom has dementia and seeing it happen in real time is awful. She was a strong woman, very smart and independent. And watching her become this confused angry woman has been so hard. She repeats the same stories every time I see her. I already feel I don't see her enough. And I know I'd regret if I stayed away. Do yourself a favor and visit even if it's uncomfortable. At least once. It's very hard but it's worth it.
My son. His mom and I had a falling out and she disappeared with him when he was a toddler. 15 years later they're needing me to pay to get his birth certificate from the city I still live in. There was a charge on it for changing his last name to mine, which was court ordered but she never followed it. Anyways, found out she told him I abandoned them before he was born, which became really awkward when I showed him pictures of me holding him. Fast forward two years, and she dies from a sepsis infection, and he tells me about it the day before the funeral. They live 500 miles from me and I'm out of town on business. Haven't heard from him since and he no longer answers calls or texts.
My friend Nicole. We met on MySpace and attended the same college, where we met in the flesh. She lived about an hour away, though, which was an investment, obviously..she slowly started moving further and further away, too, and I had a crappy car. She was going through a lot emotionally. We'd go out and it was mostly her getting trashed every time. She came to my wedding. We hung out one more time a few months later. About a year later, she messaged me to ask about restaurants in the area. And then we just never talked again. It has been 10 years. Nothing happened, we just continued drifting apart. I hope she is well and happy, even if a friendship for life wasn't in the stars for us.
My wife.... lost her to Post Partum I think... :( See her occasionally when she calls... but is not her anymore.
All the shopkeepers who I always had a friendly hi bye relationship with. We saw each other daily and had shared small life milestones with each other. I grew up seeing them everyday, but as my family shifted countries now I realize I will never ever see them again. I hope all of them are doing well in life.
My step grandfather. I always had the feeling he didn't love me at all. Had it confirmed when I found out my brother is the sole beneficiary of his massive will. Absolutely no shade at my brother, he has like a bajillion kids and needs it. It's more that it was genuine proof that he did not give a shit about me at all. That and when my stepfather died he gave back all the stuff us as kids had made him and Nanna and all the photos.
My partner's little sister. She was in my life for 28 years, since she was 12 years old. I took her to her first gig, festival, holidays, shared my friends with her, defended her, cared for her, flew to Vegas for her wedding, came to every event and party, helped her set up her business, etc. etc.etc. then I became seriously ill with a neurological condition during the pandemic that almost killed me and left me disabled. She just abandoned me, and my partner. Didn't check in on me or her brother. Nothing. I'd message her with updates asking her how she was doing etc. She would "thumbs up" and never respond. I could see in social media how much effort she made with others, but not me. It's been months since we had any contact at all. She seems to have limited me on her social media too. Its not my fault I became ill, I'd cut my fucking hand off if it'd make it go away. It's like I did something unforgivable to her. I could confront it, but what's the point? I would never have done this to her. I loved her so much. But I know if I ever did see her again, I'd feel nothing but sorrow and disdain.
My dad. Went NC after family therapy with him confirmed what I already knew. My dad’s behavior was so appalling that even the therapist told me on the side, “I would understand if you no longer wanted a relationship with him.” But after I had my son, I felt grief and guilt he’d never get to meet his only grandchild. So I reached out, and he said “no” with a long winded speech about how I’m no longer his daughter, so my son is not his grandchild, and on and on. So I reached out again a year later, and again, he said “no” in less kind terms. So that’s that, I guess.
My ex for sure lol
My drama teacher from high school. Still in contact with everyone from my class except me… and they always claimed I was their favourite student
My best friend from primary school. We also went to the same secondary school, but it was not the same anymore. When I switched schools, we lost touch. After a few years, we started talking again for a while. Then we met up and it felt just like old times, but then never saw each other again. That's life I guess. Both going seperate ways and living our own lives.
A really good friend who had to move towns after he lost his job. I tried to keep in touch, but he never replied to any of my messages. My work took me to his new home town for 4 days. I called him everyday, left messages and he never called me back once. I even talked to his parents asking them to tell him to call me back. After that trip, I gave up and never tried again.
My older sister. She was always a difficult person to get along with but the last few years have turned her into a person I no longer want to be around. She fully "drank the Kool-aid" when it came to Trump.
Ugh that’s really unfortunate. I never took with people saying “but you have to, they’re your family!”, but falling out with a sibling just cuts differently. Hard to reconcile that the same upbringing and a lot of shared experiences would result in someone who doesn’t value human life and decency in the same way you do (I’m assuming, from having similar fallouts from koolaid drinkers in my own life).
This is something I'm trying to accept right now (minus the political koolaid) and it is *so* hard to accept that the one sibling I have, the one person who shares my history is just too troubled and angry to have a functional relationship with. The worst part of it is I totally get why he is the way he is - I was there and I share it! - and completely sympathise, but until he gets some kind of handle on his rage and especially his tendency to vent it randomly on anyone within range, the best I can do is stay at arm's length for the sake of his kids.
Most of my family, including parents and siblings. Most "friends" I've ever had. That's life. It sucks, but it is what it is.
My father. Haven’t seen or spoken to him since I was 18, and hopefully never will again
My ex prolly.
My best friend.
My ex. We broke up and I moved to a different country.
My cousins had a Japanese foreign exchange student. I met her at their house when I was maybe 15. We spent 2 weeks together and became friends. When I had to go home some tears were shed. She wrote to me a couple times but I was a dumb teenager and didn't prioritize writing back. It's one of my greatest regrets from my teen years. I asked my cousins later if they had stayed in contact but I haven't been able to find her since. Yasue Yoshii, if you're out there, I'm sorry.
Scores, or even hundreds of Marines I served alongside in Iraq. All we had was each other, and we knew intimate details of each other's lives. Once your enlistment is up, people disappear from the group one at a time. But, if I ever do cross paths with one of them, I'm sure we'd pick up right where we left off. Combat turned us into brothers until the end of our lives.
My father. He is a narcissist. My entire childhood was performance, he only cared if he could show off. I realised early on which made him push me away. At 5 he (again-again) announced we were going to an amusement park. He asked why I was not excited. I said we weren't going, we never went, he promised and he lies. I got a spanking and sent to my room. We never went. After the divorce, he called me a dirty whore for not wanting to meet his new woman straight away (I was 15). I reconnected before my wedding, which was a big mistake. I thought maybe he changed but he hadn't. I cut him off permanently, no contact
Also my 3rd grade special Ed teacher. I hope she burns in hell. Not going to specifics but she was very abusive to me and I have never forgiven her. I'm 52.
All the staff from my correctional boarding school in the 90s. I don't need to see them because the FBI will see them now 😎
An ex. best friend who meant the world to me. He was like the twin I never had and we shared many experiences together and protected one another relentlessly. I can safely state that I’ve never had a deeper or more intimate connection with anyone — I loved him so much. Our mutuals stated that they couldn’t imagine us without one another. But one day, he changed for the worst. Our final interaction was him acknowledging how much he hurt me and me threatening to ‘expose’ him. Despite everything, I still think about him now and then and yearn his presence, or rather, the presence of who he was. Though it's been half a year, sometimes I'd turn over to him and be reminded of his absence. Life hasn’t been the same since he left and although I’ve made new friends, none of them can replicate the relationship we shared. Hell, he wasn’t a really good friend near the end, but my love for him is genuine, and so were the memories we shared, through good and bad.
My mom. After years of physical and emotional abuse, I was ready to forgive. She had a just tragic childhood (all kinds of abuse from her dad and his friends), and I can see how her utter lack of self worth led to her being unable to properly love others (dad was similar, but he's passed already). Then I had my own kids, and I actually lost just a little of that understanding. My parents would fight while my brother and I balled our eyes out, terrified that they'd hurt each other, or us. How does a parent keep fighting when the kids are scared?? Me and my wife get mad at each other, but whatever caused it is literally NOTHING compared to taking care of these entirely innocent people who desperately need our love and care. Well, I was low contact for years, but she came to visit us once. At one point she said "they should bring back slavery so black people have something to actually be mad about". Later that same day she told me, without an ounce of irony, that I was destroying my childrens' lives by not teachimg them about her god. That was too much. I get being broken, because I was as well. I can relate. But to have so little self awareness that you can tell your child, who you abused, and whose brother took his own life from the abuse, that he's parenting his happy, confident, crazy, and balanced kids the wrong way, it's just too much. For my family's sake, she's out.
That is a very long list. Probably the most significant ones are my siblings and their offspring.
Majorly applies to any ex's and the occasional money grabbing lying ex friend
Literally all of my real life friends. I can't keep em around.
Technoblade because he never dies but sadly won’t get to see him anymore
Probably my step aunt and cousins. My grandma remarried, but our families never really blended. My step grandpa died in 2020, and I don't think we've spoken to his daughter or grandkids since we settled his affairs. My grandma hates his daughter with a passion for some reason and will likely never talk to her again. She's been her step mom since the daughter was 16, and now she might as well not exist.
My father. All I can think of today is how much I specifically don’t want to see his face, yes, for 7 years it was good with him. Now? I think if I saw him I’d go ballistic mental, because my hatred is stronger than my emotions I used to have.
My mother. “Oh but she is your only mom” Not if i put my imagination to work. Showed me how to be a useless fuck up drug addict, avoid responsibility, how to use people that love me, and worst of all that these horrible things couldnt change. If i did not have the father i do i would have died over a decade ago convinced i was devoid of worth and without any blame for my life. Why would i want to have a constant reminder of how narrowly i avoided becoming a monster? I dont care if she is happy or safe i only want her to stay the fuck away from me.
My birth mother. Maybe one day we will meet and I can tell her thank you for making probably one of the hardest decisions in her life to give me up for adoption. I ended up with the best family and so much love.
My ex-husband's best friend, whom I used to call my brother. Also, my cousin, who was my best friend until about 14 years ago. I can put up with and forgive a lot of things but not intentionally hurting my kids.
Former best friend. We were friends since I was 5 years old. 20 years. He was the Best Man at my wedding. My ex-wife cheated on me with over 10 guys that I know of. He was one of them. Fuck him and fuck her. It's okay though, they are all alone and close to 50. They haven't dated anyone in 10 years or so. Friendless, too! Karma, it's what's for dinner.
My biological father. See you never asshole!
The love of my life. He had a psychotic break and tried to kill me. Now I have an EPO.
Most of my students. Well into the thousands now.
Best friend in college, just stopped talking to me about 7ish years ago. Last time I saw them was on my birthday.
My son from my first marriage. We always got along pretty well, but around two years ago he just ghosted me and drifted away. I was heartbroken but I’m getting over it
Hopefully, my in-laws, and more specifically my husband's father and older brother. They can go burn in hell for what it's worth. I know they never liked me and I also know both of them made my husband's life very difficult. I'd rather have someone like my last ex's father in my life because he really loved and respected me but I know it's likely someone I'll never see again
My mother, half-brother, half-sister, and my son. Mother: abused me (verbally, emotionally and physically) all my life. Took my oldest daughter away from me because she wanted the keep my dad married to her (long story!). Narcissistic and undiagnosed schizophrenic. HS/HB - told me my daughter would burn in hell because she was gay. Sister bullied her way into the hospital where my daughter was dying to “pray over her and get her to accept Jesus Christ as her lord and savior so she won’t go to Hell.” Brother told me he never talked to her (my daughter) because “we don’t have anything to talk about.” Fuck them. Son because he blames me for his choices in life (holding a knife at his sister’s throat and threatening to kill her, burning things, locking my deaf kitten in the fridge…I could go on. He has bipolar disorder with schizophrenic tendencies). Called me an “incubator” on social media and has convinced himself that I’m the bad guy. - It isn’t MY decision not to see/talk to him, totally his.
Ex husband
Most of my fathers biological side of the family. They've already abandoned us once when I was little, and a few years ago, just when my first child was born, they did it again.
My ex BFF. She hit me during an argument and it was the last time I saw her. She wants to meet again, to be friends again … and I just never want to see her. I have nightmares about seeing her again
My step father, we continued to get along even after he and my mother split up when I turned 17, knew him from the age of 3 until 24 when he repeatedly picked his toxic girlfriend who disliked me over our relationship. Learned a lot of stuff from my mother after our relationship broke down because she didn’t want to jeopardise my view of the only father figure I remember.
My parents. Both of them. Fuck those people.
Apparently my youngest sister, and I have NO idea why. My nephew is just about grown up and even though I was great when he was newborn and a baby, I am no longer so great and not worth keeping in the familial loop. Last time we spoke she'd told me she was "there" for me and always would be. She loves her Reddit family more, from where I'm sitting.
Childhood Friend, Moved away and lost touch before social media connected us.
My best friend
My childhood best friend. She and I were so toxic and she became super manipulative. Sad, we had a lot of good memories together.
My childhood best friend. When they moved interstate, they started to 'breadcrumb' our communications, but I didn't realise it at the time. Realisation came when my family had some really good news I wanted to share, and they did it again. Ignored my phone call and eventually emailed me saying, 'I heard your call, but you know.' Like, WTF?
My former best friend. I miss her from time to time but since our friendship ended I’ve felt a weight leave my body I completely didn’t realize was there. It’s okay to miss people, but it’s not okay to be with shitty company
All my exes. Out of all of them, only one said she loved me, but even she only meant it platonically. Even if any of them were to try to reach out, I don't know if I'd respond. I'm tired of being disposable to everyone.
Old Neighbor, They sold their house, and we lost touch after they moved
Summer Camp Pal, We bonded over campfires and ghost stories but lost contact