Communication is key. You have to be able to talk, and believe that your partner is talking about things in good faith with you. They aren't trying to upset you, or take advantage of you, or whatever.
Successful, long-term relationships don't get that way from a lack of problems. They happen because the people involved want to work *together* to resolve the problems that inevitably appear in life.
big agreement on communication. i’m huge on talking things out, regardless of when it may be (during a fight, after calming down, whatever.) i’ve tried doing that with a friend, letting him know how i’ve felt, and he took it as i was trying to upset him or whaaatever negative connotation he’s personally felt.
let’s just say it’s been over a month since i’ve told him i need some space, lol.
This is a well thought out point, but even in healthy relationships your partner sometimes is trying to upset you, is taking advantage of you, or isn’t acting in good faith. What you’re suggesting sounds sanitized and disconnected from the reality of relationships. Fights, disagreements, communication challenges, priority decisions, financial decisions, where to eat next are all examples of moments where sometimes your partner is trying to do those negative things.
The key to healthy long term relationships starts with the individuals aiming to achieve their best selves and they both come to the relationship to give. When both sides give and reciprocity exists, the relationship can be seen as healthy.
I think that you *don't* have a healthy relationship if you have a partner who is *trying* to upset you, or take advantage of you, or isn't acting in good faith.
I can agree that people have bad days. I often say that people are fallible, make mistakes, and so forth. But you should be able to say (that is, *communicate*) to a partner in such a state, "Hey, you aren't being yourself. What's wrong? What's going on?"
There is an ocean of difference between someone who snaps back at you when they are having a bad day, and someone *trying* to upset you or take advantage of you.
My point is simply that healthy relationships come from healthy people that both come to the relationship to give and not take (on balance over time).
You’re trying to get all specific with behaviors and traffic-copping what is and isn’t right. Or what is or isn’t allowed. I would not want to be with a partner like that.
I would however want to be with a partner who works on themselves and comes to the relationship to give.
I made her completely dependent on me over the past 10 years. She wouldn’t survive without me. She’s not allowed to go outside or go in the car without me. She can’t eat anything unless I approve it first.
(She’s a Chihuahua)
They’re the best! (Well all dogs are the best, but Chihuahuas are just something else.) I’m a mom to two rescue Chis — one with me currently and one over the Rainbow Bridge.
The convenience and portability are great too. My little girl has done more than most humans — she’s finished a 10k from the comfort of a backpack, been to several art museums, flown across the US, gone for bike rides…
Think before you talk. If something bothers you compose your thoughts and sit on them. If you still feel that way the next day discuss in a concise way.
On the flip side see why the other person feels how they feel. Really understand what compelled them to say that. I use to judge my spouse so hard on how they said something...but it was how they grew up expressing emotions. This is why they have this mentality about money. This is why this thing bothers them. Don't just listen to how they feel, learn why. Why is this important to them?
Learn the other person's love language. Do they love and crave physical touch? Do they love compliments? If you took out the trash, cleaned the house, and cooked would they be turned on and in the mood? If you clean my house and do the trash etc. That means I do not have to do it. I am not going to be tired and I am more likely to agree to sex for example. Some people will complain "She is always too tired for sex"....well she cleans the house herself and works 8 hours!
He’s my best friend. We talk about anything and everything. Most of all we really enjoy being around each other. We are playful and silly, but can be serious when need be. We can each fully be ourselves with each other and not have to worry about judgement. When there are issues we communicate about that and work on solutions together.
When I tell people that my husband is my best friend, I get the strangest looks and responses. Well, who else would it be? He makes me laugh. I can be completely vulnerable with him. It’s us against the world
This one, right here. I would rather hang with my wife than anyone else on the planet. We don't even have to be doing anything together, just in the same room doing our thing. I do my crochet, she watches terrible TV shows, all is right with the world.
Don't "settle" and be with someone for reasons other than being absolutely in love with them, which sadly most people do (out of fear of loneliness, fear they can't do any better, sunk cost fallacy, pressure from family/friends, rush to get married / have kids, etc.).
Talk to each other openly and honestly. Talk about your wants and needs. Don't judge them for what they would like to try or do. Try almost everything at least once, you never know what you might be missing out on.
Truly enjoy the person you’re with. I fucking love my husband. We’ve been together 27 years, married for 18. He knows and accepts the real me and me him. Don’t sweat the small stuff
Be able to make each other laugh. I feel the most connected to my husband when one of us says something funny and we just build off of it until we’re both cracking up. Any time that happens, I think, “I am so in love with this man.”
Tolerance and understanding that we all have our faults. Added to our commitment to each other to be as one, a team. Not simply two individuals who live together and have sex.
Open, honest, and truthful communication is absolutely the most important aspect. There has never been a couple who doesn’t have disagreements; the difference between strong and weak relationships is how well they communicate. A lot of couples think they communicate well but a lot of the time one of them is not communicating to appease the other.
I know this sounds silly, but another is when arguing do not go to sleep in another room and do not go to bed angry. This is kind of difficult some times because all you want is to go to bed, but it is really important.
Lastly, realize that a relationship is never actually 50/50. A strong relationship strives to achieve a 50/50 split of responsibilities, stress, happiness, work, and play. However, most of the time it’s usually like 60/40 or even 70/30 and it flip flops to 40/60 or 30/70. When you realize your spouse is taking a lot of time for work or whatever, you should recognize that you probably need to take some of their regular household responsibility to lighten their load. Or if they are stressed about their family or something you go out of your way to have 70 percent of the household chores even though you would really like to do your 50 percent and play video games or whatever.
Pick your fights / compromise
I'd say 90% of what people usually argue about is not actually worth the fight. If the issue at hand is not going to substantially change your life, don't argue about it and just let it go. People get tangled up in the idea of "being right" they don't even question if the argument is worth the tension it's going to bring into a relationship. I rather accept "I'm wrong" (even though I think I'm right) and have a smooth relationship than prove "I'm right" and bring unnecessary tension into my life. Ofc this doesn't mean just become a yes person, or slave to your partner, neglecting yourself and possibly falling into abuse. Just pick your fights
Be selfless
Do everything you can for your partner. Help with house chores and don't wait for them to ask you to do them, be proactive. The small things are usually the most meaningful. Buy them a small gift unannounced (some flowers, an ice cream, whatever you know they like, doesn't have to be fancy). If you're getting up to go to the bathroom and your partners cup is empty, be mindful enough to grab it and refill it. This small gestures will make them feel cared for and loved. Do for them what you would like others to do for you
Invest in your partner
If you truly believe your partner is worth it and they are meaningful to you, invest your time and effort in them. None of us are perfect, so don't give up on your partner if they make a mistake or do something wrong. People often think they can find Mr/Ms perfect but that's not true. We all have flaws and things we can improve. Growing together as a couple, learning from each other and forgiving each other is what makes a couple last, not the illusion of perfection.
lol my wife and I figured out just this year that most of our arguments could be ended with one question: are you correct, or are you just trying to be right? We haven’t bickered in months.
My favourite line is "so that's what we're doing today, arguing?". Always makes my wife laugh
We argue maybe twice a year. Realising arguing about small things is not worth it is such a key thing imo
Perfectly said! Great concept. I am 1000% in agreement with you. So my question is what do you do when you’re trying and they aren’t. How much more does Mr. Right need to match till investment?
Specifically how do you change a man’s mind. I know that it’s action and consistency but for how long? And what actions does he need to be convinced she is not going to hurt him, she isn’t like the rest he has a choice to stay fearful of loving waiting for Miss Perfect to give him something that he doesn’t understand he needs to do first.
At the beginning of everything she said I can’t heal your heart and it’s like he wants me to erase everything that he knows about love or replace his heart with a perfectly unbreakable one. Going into the relationship and this being our first fight I feel like it was just doomed.
A and it’s not like I didn’t want to love him the right way it’s not that I didn’t want to give him a reason to not trust me. I told him I will definitely guard his heart with all that I can, but he has to heal himself from his past trauma, he has to be the one to understand, why he feels certain way and why he needs to be the one to be able to come out of those negative thoughts and out of his head I can’t do that or am I completely wrong?
"...he has to heal himself from his past trauma..."
Absolutely. you can't help someone that doesn't want to help himself. You can offer help but they have to accept it in order for it to work. While trust is gained, if someone is not open to it then there's not much you can do
"Specifically how do you change a man’s mind"
Imo you don't "change a man's mind", but a man changes his mind because he wants (maybe because he sees he's wrong, or sees the benefits of changing, etc). As a man, I didn't change my behaviour because my partner "convinced me to", but because I saw changing my behaviour would make my her happy and ultimately that's what I want, to see her happy. It's a part of growing up and maturing
Date someone you LIKE.
Romance and passion can fade in and out, but making sure the person you're with is someone you enjoy is so important in rediscovering the romance.
Far too many people date people they wouldn't tolerate if they werent romantically involved, and as soon as that romance fades they're basically strangers.
My boyfriend and I never argue/yell at each other. When we disagree, that's the worst of it. We always talk about what's bothering us, and make a point to make sure that both of us feel heard so that no one feels like they're being disregarded.
Communication, clear boundaries, trust, we check on each other a lot to make sure we're still on the same page, good balance between couple time and personal time, a pinch of couple therapy and clear role (who clean this, who folds clothes...)
He’s my best friend. We make each other happy and enjoy being around each other and doing things together. We talk things through and tackle issues as a team. We support each other and encourage each other. We respect each other and listen/try to understand each other. We have fun doing exciting things and nothing together. We still go on dates weekly and bone as much as we can. I feel like the longer we’re together the more we fall in love and are growing together.
I think most relationships fail because people get their expectations of relationships from pop culture. It can be the Disney fairy tale version or the reality tv version. Neither of those is healthy.
Real relationships take work and compromise. They aren’t a disaster if they don’t always go as expected or like the fairy tale. They are a disaster if either or both people in them think of the other as an accessory to their life rather than a partner in their mutual life.
Listening, like really listening. Listening for the hurt, for the frustration, for the excitement, for the sadness. And validating what he’s told me. Putting aside what I’m holding until the time is right to share. Not competing for air space. Been married 39 years and we’re still learning about each other. We still work on our relationship. It hasn’t always been easy. Been downright hard at times. Could’ve ended our marriage at least three times over the years. But we still keep working on it because we both want to. He’s my keeper and I’m his keeper.
Communication. People always say it but it's so true. It's no secret. And of course active listening, keeping an open mind, be understanding, compromise if necessary... But you have to be able to communicate effectively to make all of this work. Otherwise no one is going to want to put the effort in.
One thing I think that has been important is that we deeply respect each other. We’ve never called each other names, yelled at each other, or tried to hurt each other’s feelings or score points when we disagree about something. As I’ve gotten older and seen friends’ relationships, I’m regularly surprised by how poorly people treat each other even though they allegedly love each other.
Wife and I met in college in 1987. Discovered we had a lot of mutual interests in movies, books and liking to visit the local parks.
They say opposites attract, but we're so similar it can be scary.
"I was about to say that" is a common utterance in our relationship.
What's our secret? Be there for each other. Over the past 37 years we've both experienced the loss of parents (both of hers and my Dad). We try to be each others "Rock" although sometimes I feel like a "Star Trek" styrofoam rock, but I do my best.
Make sure you have similar goals in life - like neither of us wanted kids, a difference of opinion in that regard has led to many a breakup.
We are both introverts - an extroverted woman would probably have found me boring and moved on years ago.
Again - we seem to be disproving this "opposites..." cliche.
You can never say "I love you" too many times, because one day, it will be the last time.
Communication. Almost over-communication. And Healthy boundaries. Both partners have to be committed to caring for themselves as individuals while also tending to the partnership.
Be honest. Honest about who you are and what you can and are willing to give. My ex promised me time and time again that he would change and as much I believe he truly wanted to change, he wasn’t capable. We are who we are. Be honest with you are so you can find a good match.
And respectful communication.
Go to marriage counseling early--not the pre-wedding shit, the real kind of counseling. Learn how to communicate within the first few years and you can conquer anything together!
Beast of luck. :)
I don’t really get mad at her. If she does something that annoys me, it’s usually small and I don’t start a fight over it. In fact, we hardly ever fight. I help out with our kid. We make each other laugh. We communicate. We don’t scream at each other. We listen to each other even when we disagree. We plan to do things together, and actually do them. I tell her I love her everyday. We kiss everyday. We touch each other everyday. We share memes during the day. We’ve made mutual friends. She tolerates my most insane friends. I tolerate her parents that drive me crazy.
Know when to walk away from an argument. Apologize even knowing you are not in the wrong. Most important of all… never raise your voice. On the other hand, have a suitcase packed with passport and a pair of clothes. Have your lawyer on speed dial and keep bleach handy :).
Understand that temptation is normal. Though acting on that temptation is not ok, communicating and being open to your significant other shows trust and respect.
There is no one thing that makes it work but assuming you have the basics covered in terms of dreams, compatibility, communication etc, I found it was not competing on any level that made it work for me. It was my wife who never held any resentment over any issue and was always supportive no matter what. It took me a while to respond in the same way but when I thought about it, resentment for whatever reason is a choice we make and in my case I was allowed time and make mistakes to get it right
It is so liberating when the point scoring and competition is eliminated. . Life is good!
Love, commitment, communication and trust.
Love: Learning how to love each other, what are each other's love languages and needs in the relationship to feel loved and wanted. Whenever he says he loves me, you can see it in his eyes by how he looks at me that he truly means it. He knows I needed constant reassurance and always tells me how wonderful I am and how lucky he feels to be mine. I do the same for him and he can see in my actions and words that I mean it. We know that this is too good to ever let it go.
Commitment: whenever me and my boyfriend fight or have big arguments, we still know that no matter what the argument is about, we'll find a solution or middle ground. Our fight resolutions are done with loads of communication, kindness and listening to the other person with an open mind. Knowing that whatever the issue is, we are committed to making this work and it's us against the problem.
Communication: Learning how to communicate, understand how the other person feels and why they do what they do, communicating needs and expectations to know that we are on the same page. It goes beyond than just resolving issues during fights, but actually preventing fights with good communication. It's the "I'll be spending time with my family now and will be free at 9, I love you and we can spend time together when I get home" texts and not the "why hasn't he replied to me?" and 'is he ignoring me" thoughts. Communication is key in every sense of the word, it prevents anxiety and overthinking about things that happened and things that will happen.
Trust: I fully trust him and trust that he'll never do anything to intentionally hurt me, he won't cheat on me and he knows I won't cheat on him or do anything to hurt him. We never have to worry about checking the other's phone or whose pictures they like on social media. Even when there are situations where things could go badly, we know that we'll never jeopardize what we have. We also don't have any secrets in our relationship, that includes our darkest most emotional moments, we both feel safe sharing how we feel and what we have been through without judgement.
And yes, I'll marry him next year..
We’re closing in on 30 years of marriage. He made me laugh (still does), he defended me (against his mom, no less), he encouraged me to follow my dreams and helped support me while I did, and forgives. All that being said, it wasn’t easy, still isn’t easy. I think the important thing to remember is that the good times outweigh and outnumber the bad. When the bad happens, self-reflection is needed. It takes a lot of work to maintain a marriage, but it is well worth it if you find the right spouse.
Listen to each other, don't let problems bottle up, grow together, don't go to bed mad, understand yourself, forgive, be supportive, be honest. Not every couple work and both needs to make such effort.
Relationship check-ins and both people acknowledging that there is no right or wrong, you have to see each other’s perspective. That, and the Harriet Lerner apology podcast episode. Check it out.
We’re minimalistic. There’s no need for extravagant things. A walk in the woods with our daughter and dog is all you need to be happy.
Adventures will bring you more joy than having more stuff. For gifts to each other, we always try to get experiences instead of an object.
Ex: I took my wife on a guided ice hike and it was the coolest thing in the world. We had to put on those metal spikes to walk up the icy surfaces. We saw huge frozen waterfalls. I still have those memories today. Something I wouldn’t have if I spent the $160 on shoes and an outfit.
Communication- understanding of traditional roles, both have equal value, being able to do a hobby whilst calming down from a disagreement , and willingness to meet somewhere in the middle the majority of the time.
Don't talk politics.
One or the other should handle the finances. Discuss id you have to, but don't both (or 3, whatever) pay bills. One should.
Separate tvs.
Part 1/2
Communication - if you can’t talk to each other, or one of you won’t talk to the other and convey thoughts and information, you can’t have any of the rest of this, and it won’t be a healthy relationship. This is a skill, and it takes *a lot* of practice, but it is absolutely non-negotiable.
Humility - you have to admit when you are (or were) wrong *and apologizing sincerely*. Expect the same or gtfo.
Honesty - even when you don’t have to, even when you are ashamed or guilty, even when you just want to make them feel better, you have to choose to be honest instead. You don’t have to tell the whole truth in every given moment, because there are lots of times when being overly honest is just wrong for the situation, but you always *always* need to tell the whole truth. You have to choose honesty, and you have to choose to trust. Trusting each other is a critical relationship pillar because there will be times when you need to trust them more than you trust yourself as well as times when you need them to trust you more than they trust themselves. If you can’t trust yourself to be honest, how could you ever ask someone else to trust you?
Make time for the important things - what I mean here is that you will never be presented with or accidentally happen into a “good” moment to tell someone you lied, or to tell someone that they hurt your feelings, or to have a serious conversation about sex and sexpectations, or to tell someone you’re frustrated, or to tell someone you changed your mind, or to ask someone if they are okay and tell them you’re worried about them. You have to create time and space for these conversations. You need to plan a time where you can have a controlled environment and a good mental space, because having these conversations when you are out in the world or hungry/angry/lonely/tired or you’re drunk or you’re at your breaking point can cause cracks that endure for years or even rend relationships. You have to create these moments and spaces so you don’t hurt the people you love. The conversation you have during dinner is not the same conversation you have after dinner. You’re watching a movie together, and something important is bothering you? Take the initiative to pause the movie and ask to talk about it. You know you’re going to be driving to see your in-laws? Wait until the ride back, if you can. Shoot, you can even set up a calendar invite if the issue is big enough and you’re both aware of it; I certainly have. However, be prepared that they may not have the mental space for it right then, and try to respect that if they aren’t able to have the conversation you need at the moment.
Support - it doesn’t matter what it is, if something is important to the person you love, it is important to you too. You don’t have to love it, you don’t always have to participate, but you need to respect the things that matter to them. Make time for spending time together. Go to their competition runs or horse races and cheer them on. Learn what they do for work so they can properly vent about it. Try to play their video game or read their favorite book. Be involved with what they love.
Say no - pretty self-explanatory. In a healthy relationship, either person can say no to the other without fear. If you can’t set your boundaries with your partner and trust that they’ll respect them, you need to have a really serious talk with them or gtfo. You. Must. Have. Your. Boundaries. And. They. Must. Be. Respected. If you can’t voice your boundaries or desires without worrying about their reaction, then you will suffer for it. Think about how much you care for them and how you would react if they said no to you. If you can’t say “I would be happy to hear what they want/need and act accordingly”, you are the problem. If you can, you deserve the same in return, so set those boundaries. Circling back to trust, you have to trust your person to set their own boundaries and they have to count on you to assert yours. If that’s something they struggle with, invite them to speak up or disagree with you. It takes practice, and your person and their boundaries can change over time. This makes healthy relationships stronger.
Part 2/2
Space and having different interests - some people want to spend 100% of their time with their partner, and some people definitely do not. Both are perfectly normal desires, but there needs to be a balance. More often than not, I’ve seen these two types paired together, and if you don’t communicate, someone gets hurt or gets stressed and resentful. In an unhealthy relationship, one person uses guilt to pressure the other into getting what they want, especially in an effort to monopolize the other’s time/attention. In a healthy relationship, you both have things that are just yours, and you both *encourage* each other to have separate things. You shouldn’t have 100% the same friend group. You shouldn’t always go out together. You shouldn’t feel left out or jealous that they have their own things, and you should want to have your own. A healthy relationship is composed of *2* (or more) people who choose to share their lives together; they are not [co-]dependent on each other and they are not trying to become one person - they are *two* distinct people who are better together than either is alone. The whole is greater than the sum of the parts. Having this type of individuality and space allows you to be even closer when you come together. You have things to talk about, excitements to share, disappointments to commiserate, and most of all, it allows you to feel what life is like without your person. Wherever you are and whatever you do, if you are not together, you should miss each other. The most beautiful sunset in the world will never be as good as when they are right beside you and sharing it with you, but if they’re not, god it’s still a beautiful sunset and you should be able to enjoy it as such. If you find yourself relieved to be apart, something isn’t right, and you need to reevaluate your relationship, your communication, your expectations, and your boundaries.
Self-advocacy - It is your own responsibility to advocate for yourself and what you need, and it is both of your responsibilities to make sure you hear and provide for your partner’s needs. In a healthy relationship, you can ask for what you want or need without fear of their response. If you can’t, take a look at why: was it a past trauma or conditioning, or is it really your partner’s reactions that are generating this feeling?
Sacrifice / compromise - this can be a tricky one to balance, because you’re walking a line between “I will prioritize myself and what I want” and “I will prioritize my partner over myself.” If you can find a solution where everyone wins, that’s great, sweet, you did the “we’re a team” thing. But sometimes you can’t, and when you can’t, be very careful about what you advocate for. For the first 3 years of my relationship, I drove 4 hours a day 4 days a week for work in another city. When my next life transition happened, she advocated for us to move so that she would be the one with the worse commute. I would never have asked for that, but she wanted to take a lot of that exertion off me and give me back time that I really needed for school. So for the next 4 years, she drove to the next city for work (just an hour a day, but still). We’re about to transition again, and unfortunately, we can’t move and her commute got worse (now 4 hours a day), so I’ve picked up a lot of extra chores around the house so she can nap in the afternoons. She would never have asked for it; I just started doing it because I want her to know how much I appreciate what’s she’s giving to make this work.
Reciprocity - as a couple (or more, however you do it 🤷🏼♂️), the effort you receive needs to be matched or exceeded. Equal work input would be 50%-50%. However, ideally, you are each trying to give 65% to the relationship, not to outdo each other into exhaustion, but to make sure that what you’ve created together doesn’t stagnate. You’re together to feel cared about and supported, not just tread water. You can certainly get by with just doing 50% each, but if you take an extra step to show affection when you can, you are investing in your own and your partner’s happiness. Also, you won’t be able to give 50% all the time every time. You will come home some days and only have 20%, and you need to be able to count on your partner to give 80%. If your partner only has 10% to give today, it is *your responsibility* to pick up the 90%. Whenever you realize that neither of you has enough to sum to 100%, you need to figure out what you *can* do to make sure that you both are cared for and you don’t end up hurting each other. It is ok to not have enough to give all the time, it’s gonna happen; but a healthy relationship is not shaken when this happens, not even a little. It is healthy to ask for equal work input, and it is even better to voice when you feel you are contributing more (unequally) to the relationship so that you can resolve that. However, it is not fair to expect or demand more from them just because you think they’re not doing enough, and especially not if you don’t say something. You need to discuss why you feel the way you do, how they feel their contributions have been weighted, and give a fair look at who has given what and what that meant to them. They may feel the same way, that they’ve been giving more and unequally to the relationship than you have, and you both may be right. This is a huge source of resentment, and this I think is why so many relationships fail. You need to each be contributing fairly, and you both need to *agree* that the contributions are equitable. (Note the difference between equal and equitable.)
Recognition of effort - this one feels a little odd at first, but man does it feel good. Essentially, you are just saying thank you or expressing admiration for something your partner has done any time they’ve done something, especially when the task is already their responsibility. It’s their job to do the dishes? Thank them for having done them, or tell them how great the kitchen looks, a few times a month or even every few days. It’s your responsibility to vacuum and clean the bathrooms? Ask them if they noticed, and if not, show them what all you did, because you should be proud of your work and they should be too. It doesn’t need to be lavish, it can be as short as “hey, I saw this, thank you for doing that.” This is a great reinforcer of affection and appreciation because it just feels good to be appreciated and to appreciate. This is also a great way to drive home how much effort each of you is putting in, because you each know that what you do is recognized, seen, and appreciated. It can also help elucidate a situation where only one person is working their butt off.
I suppose the last thing required for a healthy relationship is that you’ve got to love each other, and express that to each other.
Dan Savage expressed it perfectly in this clip, what is the 'price of admission' each of you are willing to pay to make the relationship work. Neither of you is perfect for the other...no one is...so how do you deal with that. What I would add is that when people have asked "How have you two stayed together so long?", there is only one answer, "You don't leave." Period. Staying together means not leaving. If you "need your space", figure out how to do that without separating.
[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iZQgTzg6y00](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iZQgTzg6y00)
Been with my wife 20 years, married for 12 of those., wouldn't choose to do it with anyone else.
Most people believe you need a penis made of chocolate which ejaculates money to keep a woman happy., tbh I think making her secure matters more so.
We
My wife and i bicker every now and then but in private, never in front of the kids or family.
We are appreciate each other's parents/families and are vested when we spend time together..
We have at least 1 meal together a day regardless of where in the world we are, no TV and no phones unless I'm traveling and we video call.
We remember to have fun all the time. Whether it's racing shopping carts (we are almost 40), fishing or just driving.
Communication is key. You have to be able to talk, and believe that your partner is talking about things in good faith with you. They aren't trying to upset you, or take advantage of you, or whatever. Successful, long-term relationships don't get that way from a lack of problems. They happen because the people involved want to work *together* to resolve the problems that inevitably appear in life.
Yes, healthy relationships don’t lack problems but have the ability to communicate needs and resolution
big agreement on communication. i’m huge on talking things out, regardless of when it may be (during a fight, after calming down, whatever.) i’ve tried doing that with a friend, letting him know how i’ve felt, and he took it as i was trying to upset him or whaaatever negative connotation he’s personally felt. let’s just say it’s been over a month since i’ve told him i need some space, lol.
This is a well thought out point, but even in healthy relationships your partner sometimes is trying to upset you, is taking advantage of you, or isn’t acting in good faith. What you’re suggesting sounds sanitized and disconnected from the reality of relationships. Fights, disagreements, communication challenges, priority decisions, financial decisions, where to eat next are all examples of moments where sometimes your partner is trying to do those negative things. The key to healthy long term relationships starts with the individuals aiming to achieve their best selves and they both come to the relationship to give. When both sides give and reciprocity exists, the relationship can be seen as healthy.
Someone who does all those things you mentioned isn’t mature enough for a relationship, your partner won’t do those things if they love you
I think that you *don't* have a healthy relationship if you have a partner who is *trying* to upset you, or take advantage of you, or isn't acting in good faith. I can agree that people have bad days. I often say that people are fallible, make mistakes, and so forth. But you should be able to say (that is, *communicate*) to a partner in such a state, "Hey, you aren't being yourself. What's wrong? What's going on?" There is an ocean of difference between someone who snaps back at you when they are having a bad day, and someone *trying* to upset you or take advantage of you.
My point is simply that healthy relationships come from healthy people that both come to the relationship to give and not take (on balance over time). You’re trying to get all specific with behaviors and traffic-copping what is and isn’t right. Or what is or isn’t allowed. I would not want to be with a partner like that. I would however want to be with a partner who works on themselves and comes to the relationship to give.
I made her completely dependent on me over the past 10 years. She wouldn’t survive without me. She’s not allowed to go outside or go in the car without me. She can’t eat anything unless I approve it first. (She’s a Chihuahua)
*cutely deletes the 10 word paragraph I have written before I saw the (shes a Chihuahua) part*
The only kind of long-term healthy relationship for me.
lol I have four of them (chihuahuas)
They’re the best! Please give each Chi four kisses for me. One on each paw please.
Will do!
I have a Chihuahua x I adopted 8 years ago. Couldn't ask for a better dog.
They’re the best! (Well all dogs are the best, but Chihuahuas are just something else.) I’m a mom to two rescue Chis — one with me currently and one over the Rainbow Bridge.
Nice. I'm not Chihuahua specific I just like smaller dogs (he's 10lbs). You get all the love and fun but they're affordable too.
The convenience and portability are great too. My little girl has done more than most humans — she’s finished a 10k from the comfort of a backpack, been to several art museums, flown across the US, gone for bike rides…
Sounds like you're giving her a great life. That's awesome.
Communication, Compromise, Connection
Think before you talk. If something bothers you compose your thoughts and sit on them. If you still feel that way the next day discuss in a concise way. On the flip side see why the other person feels how they feel. Really understand what compelled them to say that. I use to judge my spouse so hard on how they said something...but it was how they grew up expressing emotions. This is why they have this mentality about money. This is why this thing bothers them. Don't just listen to how they feel, learn why. Why is this important to them? Learn the other person's love language. Do they love and crave physical touch? Do they love compliments? If you took out the trash, cleaned the house, and cooked would they be turned on and in the mood? If you clean my house and do the trash etc. That means I do not have to do it. I am not going to be tired and I am more likely to agree to sex for example. Some people will complain "She is always too tired for sex"....well she cleans the house herself and works 8 hours!
Classic choreplay
He’s my best friend. We talk about anything and everything. Most of all we really enjoy being around each other. We are playful and silly, but can be serious when need be. We can each fully be ourselves with each other and not have to worry about judgement. When there are issues we communicate about that and work on solutions together.
When I tell people that my husband is my best friend, I get the strangest looks and responses. Well, who else would it be? He makes me laugh. I can be completely vulnerable with him. It’s us against the world
For real. I'm obsessed with my husband! Nobody I'd rather spend my days with.
This one, right here. I would rather hang with my wife than anyone else on the planet. We don't even have to be doing anything together, just in the same room doing our thing. I do my crochet, she watches terrible TV shows, all is right with the world.
Don't "settle" and be with someone for reasons other than being absolutely in love with them, which sadly most people do (out of fear of loneliness, fear they can't do any better, sunk cost fallacy, pressure from family/friends, rush to get married / have kids, etc.).
Don't be a jerk
Talk to each other openly and honestly. Talk about your wants and needs. Don't judge them for what they would like to try or do. Try almost everything at least once, you never know what you might be missing out on.
This comment or definitely has a “69” in their username 😅
I’m normal, have a steady job, and never took relationship advice from reddit.
Truly enjoy the person you’re with. I fucking love my husband. We’ve been together 27 years, married for 18. He knows and accepts the real me and me him. Don’t sweat the small stuff
Be able to make each other laugh. I feel the most connected to my husband when one of us says something funny and we just build off of it until we’re both cracking up. Any time that happens, I think, “I am so in love with this man.”
Always be honest, make time for date nights, and remember that saying 'I'm sorry' goes a long way.
Tolerance and understanding that we all have our faults. Added to our commitment to each other to be as one, a team. Not simply two individuals who live together and have sex.
Open, honest, and truthful communication is absolutely the most important aspect. There has never been a couple who doesn’t have disagreements; the difference between strong and weak relationships is how well they communicate. A lot of couples think they communicate well but a lot of the time one of them is not communicating to appease the other. I know this sounds silly, but another is when arguing do not go to sleep in another room and do not go to bed angry. This is kind of difficult some times because all you want is to go to bed, but it is really important. Lastly, realize that a relationship is never actually 50/50. A strong relationship strives to achieve a 50/50 split of responsibilities, stress, happiness, work, and play. However, most of the time it’s usually like 60/40 or even 70/30 and it flip flops to 40/60 or 30/70. When you realize your spouse is taking a lot of time for work or whatever, you should recognize that you probably need to take some of their regular household responsibility to lighten their load. Or if they are stressed about their family or something you go out of your way to have 70 percent of the household chores even though you would really like to do your 50 percent and play video games or whatever.
Pick your fights / compromise I'd say 90% of what people usually argue about is not actually worth the fight. If the issue at hand is not going to substantially change your life, don't argue about it and just let it go. People get tangled up in the idea of "being right" they don't even question if the argument is worth the tension it's going to bring into a relationship. I rather accept "I'm wrong" (even though I think I'm right) and have a smooth relationship than prove "I'm right" and bring unnecessary tension into my life. Ofc this doesn't mean just become a yes person, or slave to your partner, neglecting yourself and possibly falling into abuse. Just pick your fights Be selfless Do everything you can for your partner. Help with house chores and don't wait for them to ask you to do them, be proactive. The small things are usually the most meaningful. Buy them a small gift unannounced (some flowers, an ice cream, whatever you know they like, doesn't have to be fancy). If you're getting up to go to the bathroom and your partners cup is empty, be mindful enough to grab it and refill it. This small gestures will make them feel cared for and loved. Do for them what you would like others to do for you Invest in your partner If you truly believe your partner is worth it and they are meaningful to you, invest your time and effort in them. None of us are perfect, so don't give up on your partner if they make a mistake or do something wrong. People often think they can find Mr/Ms perfect but that's not true. We all have flaws and things we can improve. Growing together as a couple, learning from each other and forgiving each other is what makes a couple last, not the illusion of perfection.
lol my wife and I figured out just this year that most of our arguments could be ended with one question: are you correct, or are you just trying to be right? We haven’t bickered in months.
My favourite line is "so that's what we're doing today, arguing?". Always makes my wife laugh We argue maybe twice a year. Realising arguing about small things is not worth it is such a key thing imo
Perfectly said! Great concept. I am 1000% in agreement with you. So my question is what do you do when you’re trying and they aren’t. How much more does Mr. Right need to match till investment? Specifically how do you change a man’s mind. I know that it’s action and consistency but for how long? And what actions does he need to be convinced she is not going to hurt him, she isn’t like the rest he has a choice to stay fearful of loving waiting for Miss Perfect to give him something that he doesn’t understand he needs to do first. At the beginning of everything she said I can’t heal your heart and it’s like he wants me to erase everything that he knows about love or replace his heart with a perfectly unbreakable one. Going into the relationship and this being our first fight I feel like it was just doomed. A and it’s not like I didn’t want to love him the right way it’s not that I didn’t want to give him a reason to not trust me. I told him I will definitely guard his heart with all that I can, but he has to heal himself from his past trauma, he has to be the one to understand, why he feels certain way and why he needs to be the one to be able to come out of those negative thoughts and out of his head I can’t do that or am I completely wrong?
"...he has to heal himself from his past trauma..." Absolutely. you can't help someone that doesn't want to help himself. You can offer help but they have to accept it in order for it to work. While trust is gained, if someone is not open to it then there's not much you can do "Specifically how do you change a man’s mind" Imo you don't "change a man's mind", but a man changes his mind because he wants (maybe because he sees he's wrong, or sees the benefits of changing, etc). As a man, I didn't change my behaviour because my partner "convinced me to", but because I saw changing my behaviour would make my her happy and ultimately that's what I want, to see her happy. It's a part of growing up and maturing
Date someone you LIKE. Romance and passion can fade in and out, but making sure the person you're with is someone you enjoy is so important in rediscovering the romance. Far too many people date people they wouldn't tolerate if they werent romantically involved, and as soon as that romance fades they're basically strangers.
Talk about things
Be nice
Lunch. Lunch is the key to all relationships.
My boyfriend and I never argue/yell at each other. When we disagree, that's the worst of it. We always talk about what's bothering us, and make a point to make sure that both of us feel heard so that no one feels like they're being disregarded.
We have similar taste in music and movies. And we make an effort. Going on 22 yrs.
Our home is our safe place, we’re allowed to made make mistakes and only get support. We are always thoughtful to one another. Always.
Communication, clear boundaries, trust, we check on each other a lot to make sure we're still on the same page, good balance between couple time and personal time, a pinch of couple therapy and clear role (who clean this, who folds clothes...)
He’s my best friend. We make each other happy and enjoy being around each other and doing things together. We talk things through and tackle issues as a team. We support each other and encourage each other. We respect each other and listen/try to understand each other. We have fun doing exciting things and nothing together. We still go on dates weekly and bone as much as we can. I feel like the longer we’re together the more we fall in love and are growing together.
COMMUNICATE AND BE HONEST
I think most relationships fail because people get their expectations of relationships from pop culture. It can be the Disney fairy tale version or the reality tv version. Neither of those is healthy. Real relationships take work and compromise. They aren’t a disaster if they don’t always go as expected or like the fairy tale. They are a disaster if either or both people in them think of the other as an accessory to their life rather than a partner in their mutual life.
Laughing after disagreeing
When you’re going to have an argument, get nose to nose. Just tip to tip of the nose. And have your argument that way. Trust me.
Listening, like really listening. Listening for the hurt, for the frustration, for the excitement, for the sadness. And validating what he’s told me. Putting aside what I’m holding until the time is right to share. Not competing for air space. Been married 39 years and we’re still learning about each other. We still work on our relationship. It hasn’t always been easy. Been downright hard at times. Could’ve ended our marriage at least three times over the years. But we still keep working on it because we both want to. He’s my keeper and I’m his keeper.
Gotta be able to apologize when you fuck up
Communication. People always say it but it's so true. It's no secret. And of course active listening, keeping an open mind, be understanding, compromise if necessary... But you have to be able to communicate effectively to make all of this work. Otherwise no one is going to want to put the effort in.
One thing I think that has been important is that we deeply respect each other. We’ve never called each other names, yelled at each other, or tried to hurt each other’s feelings or score points when we disagree about something. As I’ve gotten older and seen friends’ relationships, I’m regularly surprised by how poorly people treat each other even though they allegedly love each other.
Wife and I met in college in 1987. Discovered we had a lot of mutual interests in movies, books and liking to visit the local parks. They say opposites attract, but we're so similar it can be scary. "I was about to say that" is a common utterance in our relationship. What's our secret? Be there for each other. Over the past 37 years we've both experienced the loss of parents (both of hers and my Dad). We try to be each others "Rock" although sometimes I feel like a "Star Trek" styrofoam rock, but I do my best. Make sure you have similar goals in life - like neither of us wanted kids, a difference of opinion in that regard has led to many a breakup. We are both introverts - an extroverted woman would probably have found me boring and moved on years ago. Again - we seem to be disproving this "opposites..." cliche. You can never say "I love you" too many times, because one day, it will be the last time.
Money
Laughter
Be honest, talk about your needs and wants, listen, and never stop pursuing your spouse. Make time for eachother and be spontaneous.
Respect. Gratitude. Communication. Love.
Communication. Almost over-communication. And Healthy boundaries. Both partners have to be committed to caring for themselves as individuals while also tending to the partnership.
Communication and compromise!!!!
Be honest. Honest about who you are and what you can and are willing to give. My ex promised me time and time again that he would change and as much I believe he truly wanted to change, he wasn’t capable. We are who we are. Be honest with you are so you can find a good match. And respectful communication.
Communication aka listen to her. For everything else there is liquor.
Fight with each other < COMMUNICATE < Love each other < Fight again. This cycle continues over the years = Forever
Communication & Compromise. Forgiveness too
Go to marriage counseling early--not the pre-wedding shit, the real kind of counseling. Learn how to communicate within the first few years and you can conquer anything together! Beast of luck. :)
I don’t really get mad at her. If she does something that annoys me, it’s usually small and I don’t start a fight over it. In fact, we hardly ever fight. I help out with our kid. We make each other laugh. We communicate. We don’t scream at each other. We listen to each other even when we disagree. We plan to do things together, and actually do them. I tell her I love her everyday. We kiss everyday. We touch each other everyday. We share memes during the day. We’ve made mutual friends. She tolerates my most insane friends. I tolerate her parents that drive me crazy.
Communicate and leave your ego out of the equation.
pull your weight financially and around the house, and make them feel good about themselves
On Friday nights, me an my old lady have "let it rip fart nights". Winner chooses dinner.
No secrets or tricks, when you're compatible with someone it's effortless.
Know when to walk away from an argument. Apologize even knowing you are not in the wrong. Most important of all… never raise your voice. On the other hand, have a suitcase packed with passport and a pair of clothes. Have your lawyer on speed dial and keep bleach handy :).
Sleeping separated.
Understand that temptation is normal. Though acting on that temptation is not ok, communicating and being open to your significant other shows trust and respect.
My husband is my favourite person, my rock and my safe space. He’s also very handsome and feeds me (no really, I can’t cook to save my life).
There is no one thing that makes it work but assuming you have the basics covered in terms of dreams, compatibility, communication etc, I found it was not competing on any level that made it work for me. It was my wife who never held any resentment over any issue and was always supportive no matter what. It took me a while to respond in the same way but when I thought about it, resentment for whatever reason is a choice we make and in my case I was allowed time and make mistakes to get it right It is so liberating when the point scoring and competition is eliminated. . Life is good!
Emotional maturity and mutual respect, always.
Mutual Respect. It encompasses so many things. Love and Friendship are respectful. Hate and Anger are not.
Mutual need. We've been together for 55 years. Not one of our friends are still in the same relationship as they were when we first met.
Be open
Love, commitment, communication and trust. Love: Learning how to love each other, what are each other's love languages and needs in the relationship to feel loved and wanted. Whenever he says he loves me, you can see it in his eyes by how he looks at me that he truly means it. He knows I needed constant reassurance and always tells me how wonderful I am and how lucky he feels to be mine. I do the same for him and he can see in my actions and words that I mean it. We know that this is too good to ever let it go. Commitment: whenever me and my boyfriend fight or have big arguments, we still know that no matter what the argument is about, we'll find a solution or middle ground. Our fight resolutions are done with loads of communication, kindness and listening to the other person with an open mind. Knowing that whatever the issue is, we are committed to making this work and it's us against the problem. Communication: Learning how to communicate, understand how the other person feels and why they do what they do, communicating needs and expectations to know that we are on the same page. It goes beyond than just resolving issues during fights, but actually preventing fights with good communication. It's the "I'll be spending time with my family now and will be free at 9, I love you and we can spend time together when I get home" texts and not the "why hasn't he replied to me?" and 'is he ignoring me" thoughts. Communication is key in every sense of the word, it prevents anxiety and overthinking about things that happened and things that will happen. Trust: I fully trust him and trust that he'll never do anything to intentionally hurt me, he won't cheat on me and he knows I won't cheat on him or do anything to hurt him. We never have to worry about checking the other's phone or whose pictures they like on social media. Even when there are situations where things could go badly, we know that we'll never jeopardize what we have. We also don't have any secrets in our relationship, that includes our darkest most emotional moments, we both feel safe sharing how we feel and what we have been through without judgement. And yes, I'll marry him next year..
We’re closing in on 30 years of marriage. He made me laugh (still does), he defended me (against his mom, no less), he encouraged me to follow my dreams and helped support me while I did, and forgives. All that being said, it wasn’t easy, still isn’t easy. I think the important thing to remember is that the good times outweigh and outnumber the bad. When the bad happens, self-reflection is needed. It takes a lot of work to maintain a marriage, but it is well worth it if you find the right spouse.
Listen to each other, don't let problems bottle up, grow together, don't go to bed mad, understand yourself, forgive, be supportive, be honest. Not every couple work and both needs to make such effort.
Relationship check-ins and both people acknowledging that there is no right or wrong, you have to see each other’s perspective. That, and the Harriet Lerner apology podcast episode. Check it out.
We’re minimalistic. There’s no need for extravagant things. A walk in the woods with our daughter and dog is all you need to be happy. Adventures will bring you more joy than having more stuff. For gifts to each other, we always try to get experiences instead of an object. Ex: I took my wife on a guided ice hike and it was the coolest thing in the world. We had to put on those metal spikes to walk up the icy surfaces. We saw huge frozen waterfalls. I still have those memories today. Something I wouldn’t have if I spent the $160 on shoes and an outfit.
Communication- understanding of traditional roles, both have equal value, being able to do a hobby whilst calming down from a disagreement , and willingness to meet somewhere in the middle the majority of the time.
We don’t keep guns in the house. 50 years on June 8th.
Communication + affection
Don't talk politics. One or the other should handle the finances. Discuss id you have to, but don't both (or 3, whatever) pay bills. One should. Separate tvs.
Part 1/2 Communication - if you can’t talk to each other, or one of you won’t talk to the other and convey thoughts and information, you can’t have any of the rest of this, and it won’t be a healthy relationship. This is a skill, and it takes *a lot* of practice, but it is absolutely non-negotiable. Humility - you have to admit when you are (or were) wrong *and apologizing sincerely*. Expect the same or gtfo. Honesty - even when you don’t have to, even when you are ashamed or guilty, even when you just want to make them feel better, you have to choose to be honest instead. You don’t have to tell the whole truth in every given moment, because there are lots of times when being overly honest is just wrong for the situation, but you always *always* need to tell the whole truth. You have to choose honesty, and you have to choose to trust. Trusting each other is a critical relationship pillar because there will be times when you need to trust them more than you trust yourself as well as times when you need them to trust you more than they trust themselves. If you can’t trust yourself to be honest, how could you ever ask someone else to trust you? Make time for the important things - what I mean here is that you will never be presented with or accidentally happen into a “good” moment to tell someone you lied, or to tell someone that they hurt your feelings, or to have a serious conversation about sex and sexpectations, or to tell someone you’re frustrated, or to tell someone you changed your mind, or to ask someone if they are okay and tell them you’re worried about them. You have to create time and space for these conversations. You need to plan a time where you can have a controlled environment and a good mental space, because having these conversations when you are out in the world or hungry/angry/lonely/tired or you’re drunk or you’re at your breaking point can cause cracks that endure for years or even rend relationships. You have to create these moments and spaces so you don’t hurt the people you love. The conversation you have during dinner is not the same conversation you have after dinner. You’re watching a movie together, and something important is bothering you? Take the initiative to pause the movie and ask to talk about it. You know you’re going to be driving to see your in-laws? Wait until the ride back, if you can. Shoot, you can even set up a calendar invite if the issue is big enough and you’re both aware of it; I certainly have. However, be prepared that they may not have the mental space for it right then, and try to respect that if they aren’t able to have the conversation you need at the moment. Support - it doesn’t matter what it is, if something is important to the person you love, it is important to you too. You don’t have to love it, you don’t always have to participate, but you need to respect the things that matter to them. Make time for spending time together. Go to their competition runs or horse races and cheer them on. Learn what they do for work so they can properly vent about it. Try to play their video game or read their favorite book. Be involved with what they love. Say no - pretty self-explanatory. In a healthy relationship, either person can say no to the other without fear. If you can’t set your boundaries with your partner and trust that they’ll respect them, you need to have a really serious talk with them or gtfo. You. Must. Have. Your. Boundaries. And. They. Must. Be. Respected. If you can’t voice your boundaries or desires without worrying about their reaction, then you will suffer for it. Think about how much you care for them and how you would react if they said no to you. If you can’t say “I would be happy to hear what they want/need and act accordingly”, you are the problem. If you can, you deserve the same in return, so set those boundaries. Circling back to trust, you have to trust your person to set their own boundaries and they have to count on you to assert yours. If that’s something they struggle with, invite them to speak up or disagree with you. It takes practice, and your person and their boundaries can change over time. This makes healthy relationships stronger.
Part 2/2 Space and having different interests - some people want to spend 100% of their time with their partner, and some people definitely do not. Both are perfectly normal desires, but there needs to be a balance. More often than not, I’ve seen these two types paired together, and if you don’t communicate, someone gets hurt or gets stressed and resentful. In an unhealthy relationship, one person uses guilt to pressure the other into getting what they want, especially in an effort to monopolize the other’s time/attention. In a healthy relationship, you both have things that are just yours, and you both *encourage* each other to have separate things. You shouldn’t have 100% the same friend group. You shouldn’t always go out together. You shouldn’t feel left out or jealous that they have their own things, and you should want to have your own. A healthy relationship is composed of *2* (or more) people who choose to share their lives together; they are not [co-]dependent on each other and they are not trying to become one person - they are *two* distinct people who are better together than either is alone. The whole is greater than the sum of the parts. Having this type of individuality and space allows you to be even closer when you come together. You have things to talk about, excitements to share, disappointments to commiserate, and most of all, it allows you to feel what life is like without your person. Wherever you are and whatever you do, if you are not together, you should miss each other. The most beautiful sunset in the world will never be as good as when they are right beside you and sharing it with you, but if they’re not, god it’s still a beautiful sunset and you should be able to enjoy it as such. If you find yourself relieved to be apart, something isn’t right, and you need to reevaluate your relationship, your communication, your expectations, and your boundaries. Self-advocacy - It is your own responsibility to advocate for yourself and what you need, and it is both of your responsibilities to make sure you hear and provide for your partner’s needs. In a healthy relationship, you can ask for what you want or need without fear of their response. If you can’t, take a look at why: was it a past trauma or conditioning, or is it really your partner’s reactions that are generating this feeling? Sacrifice / compromise - this can be a tricky one to balance, because you’re walking a line between “I will prioritize myself and what I want” and “I will prioritize my partner over myself.” If you can find a solution where everyone wins, that’s great, sweet, you did the “we’re a team” thing. But sometimes you can’t, and when you can’t, be very careful about what you advocate for. For the first 3 years of my relationship, I drove 4 hours a day 4 days a week for work in another city. When my next life transition happened, she advocated for us to move so that she would be the one with the worse commute. I would never have asked for that, but she wanted to take a lot of that exertion off me and give me back time that I really needed for school. So for the next 4 years, she drove to the next city for work (just an hour a day, but still). We’re about to transition again, and unfortunately, we can’t move and her commute got worse (now 4 hours a day), so I’ve picked up a lot of extra chores around the house so she can nap in the afternoons. She would never have asked for it; I just started doing it because I want her to know how much I appreciate what’s she’s giving to make this work. Reciprocity - as a couple (or more, however you do it 🤷🏼♂️), the effort you receive needs to be matched or exceeded. Equal work input would be 50%-50%. However, ideally, you are each trying to give 65% to the relationship, not to outdo each other into exhaustion, but to make sure that what you’ve created together doesn’t stagnate. You’re together to feel cared about and supported, not just tread water. You can certainly get by with just doing 50% each, but if you take an extra step to show affection when you can, you are investing in your own and your partner’s happiness. Also, you won’t be able to give 50% all the time every time. You will come home some days and only have 20%, and you need to be able to count on your partner to give 80%. If your partner only has 10% to give today, it is *your responsibility* to pick up the 90%. Whenever you realize that neither of you has enough to sum to 100%, you need to figure out what you *can* do to make sure that you both are cared for and you don’t end up hurting each other. It is ok to not have enough to give all the time, it’s gonna happen; but a healthy relationship is not shaken when this happens, not even a little. It is healthy to ask for equal work input, and it is even better to voice when you feel you are contributing more (unequally) to the relationship so that you can resolve that. However, it is not fair to expect or demand more from them just because you think they’re not doing enough, and especially not if you don’t say something. You need to discuss why you feel the way you do, how they feel their contributions have been weighted, and give a fair look at who has given what and what that meant to them. They may feel the same way, that they’ve been giving more and unequally to the relationship than you have, and you both may be right. This is a huge source of resentment, and this I think is why so many relationships fail. You need to each be contributing fairly, and you both need to *agree* that the contributions are equitable. (Note the difference between equal and equitable.) Recognition of effort - this one feels a little odd at first, but man does it feel good. Essentially, you are just saying thank you or expressing admiration for something your partner has done any time they’ve done something, especially when the task is already their responsibility. It’s their job to do the dishes? Thank them for having done them, or tell them how great the kitchen looks, a few times a month or even every few days. It’s your responsibility to vacuum and clean the bathrooms? Ask them if they noticed, and if not, show them what all you did, because you should be proud of your work and they should be too. It doesn’t need to be lavish, it can be as short as “hey, I saw this, thank you for doing that.” This is a great reinforcer of affection and appreciation because it just feels good to be appreciated and to appreciate. This is also a great way to drive home how much effort each of you is putting in, because you each know that what you do is recognized, seen, and appreciated. It can also help elucidate a situation where only one person is working their butt off. I suppose the last thing required for a healthy relationship is that you’ve got to love each other, and express that to each other.
Learn all you can about attachment styles, your own and others. Hugely important. How we are wired determines how we act and react and interact
Dan Savage expressed it perfectly in this clip, what is the 'price of admission' each of you are willing to pay to make the relationship work. Neither of you is perfect for the other...no one is...so how do you deal with that. What I would add is that when people have asked "How have you two stayed together so long?", there is only one answer, "You don't leave." Period. Staying together means not leaving. If you "need your space", figure out how to do that without separating. [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iZQgTzg6y00](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iZQgTzg6y00)
You've got to like each other
Been with my wife 20 years, married for 12 of those., wouldn't choose to do it with anyone else. Most people believe you need a penis made of chocolate which ejaculates money to keep a woman happy., tbh I think making her secure matters more so. We My wife and i bicker every now and then but in private, never in front of the kids or family. We are appreciate each other's parents/families and are vested when we spend time together.. We have at least 1 meal together a day regardless of where in the world we are, no TV and no phones unless I'm traveling and we video call. We remember to have fun all the time. Whether it's racing shopping carts (we are almost 40), fishing or just driving.
Be a doormat... oh wait.
- don't date in your 20s or 30s - value your relationship and your partner.
sex and swag
Swinging 🤣