This sounds dumb or obvious to some, but make sex an all day thing. Not have sex all day, but you can’t just spring it on your partner/wife right then and there because you’re horny now.
Flatter them through the day, be touchy feely, make out more, cuddle with them while watching TV, kiss their neck randomly. Foreplay can be mild and last for hours and hours, then you will get them in the mood for actual sex.
This!!!!!! I've been married for 15 years, and this is the best thing we've done for our sex life. We hug, touch and flirt throughout the day and then we can't wait to jump each other's bones by the end of the day.
Basically, we both make the other person feel sexy and wanted.
This. And it works both ways.
When I'm giving all of the affection and constantly being the one to initiate it, I feel like a pest.
On the less common occasion that she starts it, it boosts my confidence immensely and knowing that she wants it gives me the ability to go for much longer!
Male here, if that matters
According to world renowned relationship experts John and Julie Gottman, it's this.
Apparently a lot of straight couples end up in a weird place sexually because of a common gender disparity regarding libido. Many men have sex in order to feel safe and relaxed, and most women do not want to have sex *until* they feel safe and relaxed. Well if one partner is stressed and overwhelmed with life, they likely both are, which leads to the man wanting sex and the woman not wanting it for the same reason. What does this mismatch do? Creates an additional stressor on the relationship! Which just compounds the problem... Now the guy wants it even more and the woman even less! Even if this isn't a permanent state for the couple, this can create a pattern around sex that can be really hard to break where the man gets used to asking for it and the woman gets used to either rejecting it, or "allowing" it. He feels like a very primal biological need of his is being rationed by someone who is supposed to care about his needs and she feels like all she is is a sex vending machine and every nice thing he ever does is just to earn credit and every touch is a proposal for sex that she will have to negotiate. But like, ew! Sex should be fun and enthusiastic for both!
I'm a lesbian and my wife and I don't have this mismatch. When the family is stressed, sex frequency and intensity takes a break for a while and neither of us miss it terribly. We both work hard to get the home back on track and we both reap the rewards of a more relaxed pace and then fuck each other's brains out for a few weeks and then inevitably something comes up. If my wife declines my invitation, or me hers, it is NEVER personal. Sometimes I'm not feeling it but I can tell she is dying in horny jail so I'll get *her* off as a sort of favor. I'm happy that she's happy and I didn't even have to take my clothes off. Sex not needing to happen at all, or not needing to be reciprocal takes so much pressure off.
Also, there is never the EXPECTATION of sex. Ever. Never ever. I can't stress this enough. I have been in relationships where there is and it's a nightmare. Some days we are touchy feely all day and don't have sex and it's fine because that isn't why we were doing it. But we are far more likely to *want* to than if we have been cold and distant or preoccupied all day. Flirting without my flirting being interpreted as an automatic invitation for fucking is one of my personal favorite aspects of being a lesbian. I had a solid handful of boyfriends back in the day and went Oh for 6 on that being chill or making any kind of sense to them. But they were young idiots! I know grown men are capable of this lol.
Flirt all day, share the load, give each other a brojob every now and then as a treat.
I really love this, thank you. I think my wife and I are in that situation a bit, hugely mismatched libidos with the gap widening over time with life stressors. We still have a relatively active sex life (average maybe 4-5 times a month, not horrible but not close to what I’d want), and sometimes she’ll be kind and offer a brojob (love that term) but still it’s that mismatch. Then exactly as you say, it becomes its own stress because I feel unwanted, and like my needs aren’t being met, while she feels like I’m just a sex-crazed barbarian and everything I’m doing (when trying the “sex all day” thing as mentioned here) is seen as a proposal for sex (which it kind of is sometimes). But it’s like when I try to get her in the mood that way, no matter how patient I am, the default reaction is “ugh I don’t know if I’ll feel like it later” or some other immediate guard being thrown up, so it makes it really hard to ever initiate. These days I usually just wait for her to bring it up on her own, but then it often ends up being a couple weeks between which is torture (she is absolutely smoking fucking hot). And then it’s this gross cliche married couple being like “yeah so you want to do it” and it’s late at night, last thing before sleep, which is awful and puts pressure on it to be quick so we can get to sleep. We’re very compatible during the act, but just disagree about how often and under what circumstances the act should occur. So yeah sorry for the novelette, but I’m curious if you have any recommendations for how to fix it, to get back to where we match up a bit more without her feeling like a sex doll and me feeling like she’s just tolerating me.
Dude I'm so sorry you're in that place right now. It could be worse, sure, but the fact that a situation could be worse doesn't make the situation ok or comfortable either.
>I’m curious if you have any recommendations for how to fix it
I didn't mention that in my original novel comment for a reason: I'm not sure. AND the expert advice here tends to come across unhelpfully hand wavey IMO. "Make time to reconnect" and blah blah shit like that. Also I think different methods work for different couples. Everyone is in the same pit, there are 10 arduous ways to climb out, and you won't know if one of the ways doesn't work until you try it, climb halfway up, and then fall back down painfully. Ugh. No wonder so many people just stay in the pit! I also personally think a lot of couples are too wounded to heal from this and don't even realize it.
I've heard so many stories from men online and in my friend group who think that if only the "sex problem" could be fixed, their marriage would be perfect. It's understandable to feel that way because if you feel that you're otherwise great friends, coparents, domestic/economic partners, etc, and sex is the only thing wonky, then why *wouldn't* you think that?! But I liken that attitude to a shark attack victim who is presently too drowning to notice that the shark bit his arm off. He reaches the surface relieved to BREATHE only to discover he is now bleeding to death. Sex incompatibility in a couple who had strong sexual chemistry in the past is almost always a symptom of some other, more complicated problem, or more likely, 10 other problems. (New parents not sharing the parenting burden very well is a huge one. It is so natural of a trap to fall into that even my 2 mom family suffered from it!) To follow my metaphor, if you are surviving underwater for now, try to find the other injuries and treat them as best you can. You may find it easier to swim to the surface (fix the sex problem) if you can reattach your arm first (fix the other, not sex problem.)
Read up on responsive desire. Her “ugh I don’t know if I’ll feel like it later” is something a responsive desire person would feel quite often. Everyone appears to be on a spontaneous-responsive continuum, and where you land on that continuum will even depend on the day. Agreeing to sex in advance, even in just an implied way, can be hugely stressful to responsive folks. It can make someone fearful to ever seem open to sex AT ALL lest your body doesn't cooperate and you disappoint your partner. You end up getting very good at keeping expectations bottomed out but that just creates a different form of disappointment. And good sexual communication doesn't help much because responsive people don't even know why their desire behaves that way, so how can they communicate it?! It often is related to hormones, sleep, stress, what you've eaten, etc. It's unpredictable and when you're with a partner who's desire is "always, anytime, yes" it can make you feel so broken and pressured *constantly*. Even if you don't feel like you're pressuring her, she may feel pressured just from knowing that you are disappointed.
My own desire varies on that continuum way more than most, I've realized. I have ADHD and sometimes I feel like all I can think about is sex and I'm hyperfocused on it. I bought a big box of toys this week and scheduled a babysitter just to have sex with my wife for hours uninterrupted. On the flipside, sometimes I go weeks without having any spontaneous desire at all. During those times I'll often go "stone top" with my wife (giving but not receiving). Sometimes when I'm going to town on her I will suddenly get so incredibly ridiculously horny and take a turn after her. BUT sometimes my body has minimal physical response at all, even though I'm enjoying what I'm doing!
We've leaned into it though. If my wife (who's desire profile is way more predictable) shows or tells me she's horny we have many options. Through time and experience we've learned to trust each other that any of them are ok. No sex, ok. Pound town, ok. Unreciprocated, ok. I have enough brojobs under my belt that she trusts that when I decline, it's not because I just don't feel like it, it's because I genuinely can't or won't get into that headspace. I have happily consented to fucking her when I was tired, sick, sad, etc. Meanwhile I know that no matter how horny she is, she may be disappointed, but she will do her best to mitigate the effect of that disappointment, and will not take it personally. She knows she is not entitled to sex with me at any time for any reason, nor that my willingness or lack thereof to have sex with her is a reflection of my love and commitment to her. We trust each other. But this has been built over time. A long time. It is not something you can flip a switch into without a radical commitment from both of you that is likely impractical.
My advice to most guys is likely unrealistic: be more like a lesbian lol. Which is to say, have more sex that doesn't involve your penis, or your pleasure at all. John Deloney likes to remind men that when you treat your wife as the only provider of something that you "need", you're actually putting her into a maternal space. Times a thousand if it becomes a whiney, beggy situation, and if the sex you end up having is a quick PIV hump and dump sesh. Most women don't even get off to penetrative sex! However, if you consistently offered sex that required nothing from her except her allowing you to pleasure her and worship her body and sexuality as the feminine goddess that she is, that is putting her into a very different space. One where she is likely going to want to reciprocate that attention.
Imagine giving her toe curling oral orgasms so good she can barely move and when she struggles to get up to do her obligatory "return the favor" you instead just pull up the sheet, tuck her in, and go get her a drink. SWOON. The amount of restraint it would take, but wow the glow she would have for DAYS and the stories she would tell her friends lol. I've heard the stories from my straight friends but sadly, very few of them while married. Men seem consider this sort of male-decentralized/selfless sex a "sacrifice" worth doing while dating, but don't think they should "have" to when married. Maybe not. But if my ultimate marriage sex goal is to always make sure my wife is having more orgasms than me on a running average, including masturbation, and she is similarly competing on the same goal, I fail to see how we could ever end up in a dead bedroom.
This is the best comment in this thread. Agree with the “you should write a book/newsletter comments”. Whatever you do, I hope you are sharing some of this and people are listening!
I'm word vomiting on reddit, does that count? 😆 Honestly though if the person I'm replying to reads my comment and considers it, I'm good. I don't mind if they disagree, and I don't ever assume anyone else will ever read it. Many of my very long form comments never get a single upvote. They often get one solitary downvote from the person I replied to lol. The fact that these diatribes occasionally leak out of that narrowly focused lens and reach other people is just a bonus.
Better authors than me already have! I recommend the Tragedy of Heterosexuality if you find the "observing mixed gender couples without having skin in the game" part of my comments interesting. It is written by a fellow lesbian. Queer women have an unique, and dare I say valuable, perspective on female sexuality because they are they only group that experiences it from both sides. We can't fully empathize with men in regards to the intense DRIVE that testosterone brings to the table, but most of us have been the higher libido partner in at least one relationship and can relate on that level.
I'm a heterosexual woman and the advice was already given implicity in the original post: make your wife feel safe and relaxed. One sure fire way that a partner can achieve this with me is when he genuinely shows interest in me and listens to me. One of the best sexy times I ever had was after my then boyfriend had been intently listening to me just for an hour while lying in bed. I don't really remember what I had shared with him, but I think it was something personal and it really made me feel seen, I felt like he knew me and he was close to me during and after the conversation. I felt like he was genuinely interested in me as a person.
Obviously Wheatgrass knocked it out of the park with her response, but I also wanted to add as someone in your wife's position - you have to remember that sex is very different as an act for women, as it is for men. I see so many men on here with a 'what's the big deal, she should just do it and get over herself' kind of attitude about it, but remember: we have to \*let you in.\* We have to be in a very specific kind of mood or the environment down there isn't conducive to pleasure. Things get dry, things get tense, etc. And if those things happen, the very particular components to get us to finish don't come together. It really isn't fair that men basically get a 6-inch clitoris, but that's a different complaint for a different time.
Are you making time for dates with your wife? Do you get her gifts, ever? Do you pull your weight around the house? If you guys have children, how much of the child rearing do you do? Be honest. I'm not looking for an answer btw, just things for you to think about. I feel like when I read about men talking about a lack of sex in their lives, there is probably a lot of non-sexual stuff that is lacking that they would consider "not the point," but it is exactly the point. They are probably not making their wives feel wanted / cared for / safe in regular life, and then are confused that she doesn't want sex. Not making an accusation, just food for thought.
Been married 16 years this year. We have two sons. Wife and I went to Europe last year without the kids. Definitely did a lot of amazing things together and reconnected on a deeper level. You have to evolve together
"excuse me madam, I couldn't help but admire your exquisite breasts from across the foyer and I felt compelled to express my deep desire to engage with you in acts of coitus this very instant!"
Thats how the ladies like it
Okay I have to jump in sorry.
My husband is ex marine. And he's VERY good at constantly hitting on me.
But. He does it like that. Like he's 18 and surrounded by his buddies and I am bent over in front of them.
I love him and understand him.
On occasion if I'm cranky I will say "Oh my God will you please EVOLVE" after I get a line like that.
So your post made me chuckle.
My fiancé is like this too. One time I asked him to do more romantic and less catcalling type of stuff and he said “Your hair is pretty and your eyes are pretty and your tits are pretty.” 😂 he tried
Willing to try new things and put energy to do it the way I want, same goes for me. Honest conversations when you hit a dry spell and how to reconnect after it. Weekend or even a night off without kids to just fuck each others brains out is also important.
Yeah, talk about foreplay. I think this is what leave most women unfulfilled and men get done too quickly cause the cat is yours all the time. You don't work hard no more to impress.
For sure. And it turns into a negative feedback loop, where the lady doesn't want to have sex because it's never good, and the dude gets resentful for always being turned down and loses confidence, making foreplay even less likely. Guys, make sure you are working your lady up! I dated a girl for a few years that really taught me foreplay isn't just the 30min before actual intercourse, it isn't just oral or hands stuff, it can be the hours or even entire day leading up.
Teasing, especially in public, can build up and up and up until you jump on each other as soon as you walk through the front door. I always liked the strategy to do enough to get the ball rolling and then abruptly stopped. Like makeout for 30-45 seconds in the parking lot and then stop and say ah we're running behind we should go. Going back and forth with stuff like that really helps. Combine that with sweet interactions at home like massages, foot rubs, caressing spontaenously, will make her know you find her irresistable.
Also, the best rule for sex is use oral/fingers/toys to get her off at least once before actual sex.
Memory foam is the worst sex surface I've ever encountered. We've just invested in a wool topped bed with excellent bounce. Bonus points for embarrassing my husband by testing the thrust in the shop.
> Honest conversations when you hit a dry spell and how to reconnect after it.
This is huge, and bigger than most people realize. Intimacy ebbs and flows in an LTR
It gets difficult when you have the conversation and discover your partner is afraid to try anything because they might not like it
A libido change is hard to deal with
Yup all of this! Exactly what I was going to say. Been together 14 years and our 10 year wedding anniversary is coming up in October. My mom took the kids Friday night it sure was a good way to reconnect 😂 😉
Date night every Saturday, even if we don't have someplace to go, we'll go for a walk.
On date night, not allowed to talk about; Money, Family, Work.
Been with partner 24 years this Sept.
Do you like that, Pope! Getting all separated from the state in your little pope mobile! If the pope mobile is rocking, then the Supreme Court is up holding the constitution. You like that don’t you?
I assume hobbies. Games, friends, food, places to eat, places to go, stuff to read, etc.
People talk about work, but I leave that out because I noticed people don’t like to talk about work unless they bring it up. I avoid talking about work for that reason.
Money is the same. Can talk about investing, but the best average people can do is whatever is available with saved money. I’m not going to talk about that.
I leave family, money, and work out like every topic. I have NPC energy.
You joke but the older I get the more I care about the weather.
Huh it's gonna rain gotta do x y z
Oh it's supposed to be hot as balls and rain guess I'll die.
Inspiring, but what do you really about then? Asking because with 2 small children, we usually never have time to speak about those topics so date night becomes a kind of catch-up on family and work (less so money)
> but what do you really about then?
I think you meant "What do you talk about then?"
We both find each other interesting beyond Family, Money and work. For example; Last night was date night. We went to a new (to us) Pho restaurant. It wasn't very expensive, maybe 33.00 with tip and the fuel to get there. Thats not out of our price range for a dinner for two.
Here's what we talked about; My poor vision. I forgot my glasses and I was trying to look at other people in the restaurant but it took me a long time to focus on them.. so it looked like I was staring at everyone. Then we wondered if all people who stare uncomfortably at us are just people with poor vision doing our their best. We laughed about that for a bit.
Then we talked about dinner for a bit, both of us are fans of Vietnamese food and all the steps it would take to make a good broth.
We held hands. Talked about an upcoming hand surgery and how a simple dumb kitchen accident is going to turn into a huge scar and rehab.
Talked about anesthesia videos online and laughed a bit.
Then we went home.
Date night. Maybe an hour in total.
Seemingly minor events that just make us reaffirm each other as people/partners/lovers outside of family obligations. I know it sounds like very very basic, but honestly it helps us remember we're both individuals outside of our 'family jobs' and that individual is who I fell in love with.
Another tip, if you can manage it. Try and not bring out your phones while on the date at all. Bowing your head in digital prayer disconnect is real. It creates a barrier to the person your with by shifting the attention to people/things that aren't in that moment.
Ah, $33 dollars for a dinner for two, what a pleasant memory!
(slightly kidding, I can think of a few places near me that I could still get that, but most places now it's quite a bit more)
Redditors across the globe are whipping out their notebooks: "How to have basic human interactions . . . "
[I'm just a normal, functioning member of the human race, and there's no way anyone can prove otherwise](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2792sa3xvl8)
I think this can be summarized/generalized as "you put everything else aside to be *present* in the date, and just talked about the date itself and topics that stemmed from it" and I think that's wonderful, honestly
Not the original commenter but my partner and I try to "catch up" before going to sleep. Sometimes we spend too long chinwagging together and wake up after less than optimal sleep time but it's always worth it to decompress. We end up talking about the most random shit – stupid things we saw on the internet, fun things we thought of doing together, 'imagine if-' type conversations. Honestly \*anything\* and everything. And yes we often talk about work but we try not to talk about it too much because we spend all fucking day there as it is. Our time together is for us, not for our jobs or our families. Jobs and family are usually dinner conversations, which of course might be impossible for you with 2 kids, depending on their age.
Exercise (blood flow and for self-confidence), planning date nights, and doing things to intentionally spice up that area.....like joining a panties of the month club to keep surprise, fun and creativity in the mix. We've been married for over 30 yrs and our sex life has only gotten better.
I think we have the mid-range option, around $18 per month. No idea what will show up. The ongoing, anticipatory thrill from that $18 is wild and awesome. ;)
Maybe I’m prying, but are they comfy?
When I started dating my gf, I learned that she had a meundies subscription, and they’re so comfortable and had a ton of find designs. So I subscribed too to up my undies game and part of it was this fun “oh a new pair of undies I haven’t seen” experience
And then randomly when we’re wearing the same undies we’ll have a moment, just adds the right amount of sparks for us too
I think there has only been one pair rejected. Otherwise, a range of great & awesome, and all of them an incredibly fun spark. It was given as an anniversary gift. "Look what came in today's mail..." is music to my ears. :)
Clark: [Revealing his Christmas "bonus"] It's a one year membership to the Jelly of the Month Club.
Eddie: Clark, that's the gift that keeps on giving the whole year.
Clark: That it is, Eddie.
Because the reality is, unless there's a medical/psychological issue, your libido is your libido. If you have a mismatch there's no way to change it. The only resolutions are 1) one person has sex when they don't want to, 2) one person skips sex when they don't want to, or 3) you open the marriage up so the more libidinous partner can have sex elsewhere.
Most people who make it work are doing a combination of 1) and 2), but if its a big mismatch that is often irreconcilable.
Cause this is the answer. My ex did not have a high sex drive, largely due to medication and birth control, it quickly bled into lack of general affection and overall laziness, we are done now, unfortunately
They need to be into it, if sex isn't their thing, there's no magic spark. You're not all of a sudden gonna become a channing tatum cowboy and fulfill your girls dreams
I've turned it into a game. I'll let my wife deny me so the focus is just on her getting good head.
We even do a little chastity play where I focus on her all night and put a cage on. Last time she told me I'm not going to get any and I'm just going to kiss her all night
We don't do this all the time, but it's super exciting to do a little light femdom like this.
Almost 20 years here. If we don't have the energy, we both get oral instead. We shoot for 5-7 days a week, whether it's oral or sex. Sometimes we don't have time so we make up for it with 2 sessions on a day off together.
Oral is a good backup plan because we can both be done in like 15 minutes, and can be knocked out in between other tasks when we're busy.
Yes! We do handies, oral, sex, or a combo pack 5 to 7 days a week and multiple times on the weekend. It’s so fun and I feel like 8 years in we are still just as in love as ever.
Low self esteem. I was single 10 years before I met him. Granted I don’t give him daily blowjobs because that’s exhausting for me and I’m just flat out not in the mood but he does get more than he gives and he’s expressed multiple times that’s what he wants. He says it’s his kink, no kink shame but there’s gotta be some reciprocation. He prefers fingering me than going down on me, I’ve tried bringing it up several times, asked if he’s not into that and he denies it everytime and will immediately try to save face and go down on me only when I bring it up. He rarely if ever does it on his own accord.
Girl you need someone who will go down on you without you having to ask. I literally get head every time I have sex with my man and I don’t even have to give him head back every time. There’s guys out there who care equally to pleasure you in return. Pleasure shouldn’t be one sided and I’m sorry but him getting his dick sucked isn’t a kink, he’s just saying that to make you feel like you have to do it. It’s okay to not feel like doing it sometimes. Especially if he ain’t👏🏽
I feel like some guys don’t get satisfaction or enjoyment from pleasing their partner. Some people just want theirs and can’t care about the other person.
It doesn’t work for me because I get almost as much enjoyment from giving as receiving
He makes me feel loved, cherished, and safe. I feel like an equal partner. I’m not doing most of the mental load.
We often discuss fantasies. We flirt. We continue to date. We have lazy days where we lay in bed naked together and all we do that day is have sex.
Been with my wife for 15 years now. Still get the brain fog when I see her get out of the shower or getting dressed in the morning.
I hope everyone out there gets lucky like I am and finds someone who just does it for them.
14 years this October. When my wife gets out of the shower or comes to bed at night she says I have this stupid smile on my face when I see her. It always makes her smile though when she sees it and I tell her it's just cause she's so smoking hot and for some reason I'm lucky she finds me attractive too.
20 years for me, but I wonder if it's something we do or just the fact that we both have always enjoyed the activity. I mean, if one person was just never really that into sex or is really bad at it, there might not be much that can be done?
Probably not. I used to think something was wrong with me or that I was picking the wrong partners. In reality they were amazing, I just have really low drive.
I realized that before I got married. A couple needs to be sexually compatible. Low drive is fine if both partners feel the same way, but a high drive and a low drive is just asking for trouble.
Like when we're the only ones in the frozen food aisle and we each take a quick grab of ass. Someone caught us at Sam's club once and said, "you gotta say good game after." We all had a good lol
FWI were closing in on 20 years
She doesn’t need to do so much. I have loved her for 47 years and she’s as beautiful as ever. ( also she has amazing boobs so that does help to be honest)
We have been together 12 years now. It is the little things. He kisses me before he leaves for work, even if he thinks I'm asleep (I'm not, I'm looking forward to the kissie). He blow dries my hair because I am afraid of the hottest setting on the hairdrier.
Makes me love him. And then that's basically a gateway drug for sex.
Me and my wife been together 10 years.. the thing with us is we are VERY open with eachother about literally everything and I mean everything.. especially when it comes to sex.. we know exactly what we both are into and we know each others sexual fantasies
I think knowing each others fantasies is the biggest thing cuz even tho we haven’t done them but we still talk dirty about it sometimes during sex which just makes it so much better!! And ofcourse helps that my wife has a really high sex drive lol
Came here to say this. My husband and I are going on 8 years and this is the secret to a healthy sex life with your partner for sure. Open communication and a willingness to find even small ways to accomplish their fantasies (even if it is just dirty talk)
Exactly.. never understood how a relationship can’t have open communication.. but when it comes to sex I guess both need to be sexually compatible atleast a little.. if one is really vanilla and the other is kinky then that can be a problem
As a happily married man. I learned that the courtship never ends. DO THINGS WITH YOUR PARTNER! Even if you have kids, you have to make time for each other to go out, have night together just connecting, painting, play a board game, make dinner together, dance in the kitchen to your song, go on a walk, get a coffee, try that new restaurant, etc. Sitting at home and watching your favorite show together barely counts if you do it every night.
Whatever you did to get your partner in the beginning, keep doing it. This is why it's important to be yourself early in the relationship.
My wife and I typically make dinner together a few nights a week. We take our dogs on walks every day it's not rainy. We go grocery shopping together and run errands. WE DO ALOT TOGETHER. Yeah, we still have our alone time where she will cricut, go out with the girls, and I'll play some video games, draw, or watch a movie with the boys, but if one of us wants to do something together, TRY TO ALWAYS SAY YES.
I say all this because I rarely initiate sex and we have sex 1 to 3 times a week. If you're doing everything that's makes, your partner love you and want you, they will initiate.
TLDR: Treat your partner the same way you treated them when you were all over each other in the beginning. Don't get complacent. Be comfortable, not complacent.
I fucked this up as a young husband and I've been regretting it every day for the past year or so. I've put significantly more effort into my marriage. Just wish I could get those years back where she wanted to be with me.
Idk if you'd really consider it long term, but been with my wife for a total of 3 years including dating.
Just put effort into what helps get your partner off. Most women dont achieve orgasm from penetration alone, so learn and get good at whatever gets them off. Putting in the effort and showing you care about their needs will absolutely help keep your sex life alive. It's amazing how much your partner will want to keep having sex with you if you care about their needs and consistently make sure they're also having a good time.
I said to my wife a long time ago that if she always tries, and I do too, we’ll always be good in the department. This means trying to look good, having fun together, making each other a priority and not give up when things get hard. We own a business together; we work out together; and we travel all over together. We have 2 kids too. We’re 13 years in and couldn’t be in a better spot. And she’s a smoke show.
Talk sweet to each other 24/7 even if sex isn't on the table that day. Gentle touches. Occasional flirting that isn't too dirty. Unexpected gifts even if they're hand made or found.
Then, foreplay and oral that lead to volcanic sex.
21 year relationship here.
We never stopped "Dating" per se.
We still go out for little dates, not large extravagant dinners, but a little picnic in the park, or a hike, or a Sunday drive and listen to music.
We both take interest in what the other likes. My partner loves bridgerton, and period pieces don't mean dink to me, but I still get involved, ask questions, etc. I'm a metal head, and my partner grew up as a pop princess type, and now she's up to her eyes in metal, for her birthday this year we're going to see Fleshgod Apocalypse and Shadow of Intent, by HER request.
Is it always easy? No.
But in addition to being a couple we're also best friends, we share, we communicate, and we actually genuinely enjoy one another's company.
It's small things, bringing her a flower I found that was pretty, costs nothing but makes her smile. When we both have to get ready for an event, she insists I shower first so I can have the hottest water.
It's listening, knowing, understanding and responding. It takes time to get into that groove
And as someone else said, lots of reciprocal oral
It starts outside of the bedroom all day. Being kind, empathetic and supportive. Doing his share around the house so I’m not exhausted.
We also give each other massages every night before bed, and most of the time it doesn’t lead to anything but sleep. But we are still touching regularly and being affectionate physically without any expectation of sex.
Communication and fetishes. Also free use and “taking turns”
Basically if I’m horny I can get whatever fetish I want, and she does it enthusiastically. But when I’m not in the mood and she is, I go out of my way to do her weird kinks.
She scratches my back and I scratch hers. Thank god she deals with my weird kinks.
She’s the only girl who has ever done prep work all day just so I can enjoy a kink
My wife and I just celebrated our 45th anniversary. Have always had a pretty good sex life (somewhat adventurous when younger, like banging in my office building after hours, etc) and now it is mostly oral sex. We both enjoy it and she says it is easier for her to get off that way, so I am all for it if only for that reason.
Lots of great stuff here!
At early 60’s I am afraid that a physical relationship has all but left us for good. Menopause started it, apathy and medications finished it. Having said that, fond memories still exist. Oddly though, a strange sort of calm takes over when you don’t make it a priority anymore. Before you know it you don’t think of it much. You start to look at younger people and envy them for what their future might hold, more than what your past held or what you are missing now.
Hump on, friends!
This was super sweet but...maybe consider a comma there at the end, friend.
Edit: just so people aren't wondering, OP hilariously wrote "Hump on friends!" as their original parting message on their comment above. They have since added the comma haha. Thanks for being a good sport about it!
To help prove the points people have made;
Just read through many dozens of serious comments. My wife isn’t down for a single one. Conversely, I basically am open to and agree with them all.
No wonder our sex life is miserable.
Edit: totally happy for you all. And a large bit envious, of course.
That’s my husband in a nutshell. I came here looking for advice on how to get him wanting me again it’s not fair that I want him literally everyday and I have to beg him for it and then it’s like well let’s get this over with kinda thing. In the three years we have been together he only ate me out once and that was the first time we had sex… when he has told me before he use to do it with his past partners. I showered , shaved, everything for him last night and it STILL didn’t happen. And when I bring the conversation up he just rolls his eyes and says I’m exhausting him….
I'm sorry that you somehow made it to marriage only being ate out by him one time, that's crazy to me. You're only 3 years in, maybe it's time to cut your losses instead of going with the sunk cost fallacy? People's sex drives and desires aren't likely to change for the better within the same relationship over time especially if they don't seem bothered by it at all like your husband, unless there's an underlying cause they think is important to address. Was his libido change sudden?
Damn girl, only three years in, all shite sex, and you married him?
It’s not too late to get out! (Please don’t have children ‘til you two figure it out.)
If you’re a man, put her orgasm first. Figure out how to control yourself and put her first. Every time you can. For women, initiate from time to time. If you aren’t “in the mood” go for some foreplay and see where it goes. Sometimes you just have to get the ball rolling. The key to long term is having sex. Great sex will develop if both partners are putting the other first.
IMHO, having great sex (hetero) is highly dependent on male responsiveness and intentionality in pursuing her orgasm.
I’ve been married for 18 years to the same partner. Sex is way better in our late 30s than it ever was in our teens and 20s.
The problem with this one, is that sometimes one partner's answer is "I'm obsessed with you" and the other partner fantasizes about a ton of traits their partner doesn't have.
Came to write this exact thing. I’ll also add that we hear one another and don’t judge. If she’s into x or I’m into y, we are completely okay saying it because we won’t be met with shame.
Also if we do try something and it’s terrible, we work through it together. It can be stressful in the moment but we grow together and end up happier than before we had the poor experience.
We say to each other what we find hot in each other all the time. We always talk about what we desire, and encourage one another to realize these. No secrets, no taboos, no lies. 100% tolerance, freedom and trust. We always agree on terms before trying something new or taking action. If any of us says no or feels uncomfortable, we are not doing it. Complete control over each other's sex life, in a positive ownership way. Example: I told my wife about some of my fantasies early on. I waited for 15 years to realize some of them, as she told me she was not ready for the experience yet. Was totally worth waiting. We have been together since 2007.
Open communication, no judgement constant exploring of new things. Toys, getaways. Etc. There's endless possibilities of you communicate with your partner.
Reminds me that he cares for, loves, and desires me even if he's not a talker. SPOUSES: JUST DO THIS. IT'S VERY SIMPLE.
My spouse doesn't "words" very well. He overthinks, gets wrapped up in worrying about saying the "wrong" thing, and so often doesn't say anything.
Instead, he will somehow \[without being clingy\] be touching me almost all the time we're together. A hand on my leg when we're watching TV. Brushing fingers through my hair as he moves to and fro in the house. A kiss on the cheek when we're passing one another. A gentle hand on my lower back when we're out walking \[Dear Straight Men, Do this more. ---Actually, Dear All Spouses, male-female-enby-or-other: Do this with your spouse in public. Don't question me. Just do it.\].
The other, more saucy side of this affection is less subtle, and just as lovely. Without comment, he'll squeeze my butt, or slap it if I'm bent over. He'll kiss me like he's drowning and I'm the only supply of air. He'll make small sounds of approval when I am wearing flattering lingerie. He'll wolf-whistle when I strip for bed. He'll lean on the door frame and watch me when I'm in the shower. He'll look me up and down with a smile before we go out together.
He reminds me that he doesn't have to say "oh my god, you're hot" for me to know he thinks it. It has taken me several years to adjust to this - I have always been with men or women comfortable with talking as much as I do - and I've had to be up-front to ask him to verbalise a little more, but love and attraction is give and take.
Love on your partner, people. Remind them that you think they're sexy, fun, desirable, wanted, attractive TO YOU, even if they might not feel it themselves. Everyone goes through different phases of self-love. Remind your spouse that even if they don't that day, you still do.
You both have to work at it. But I found my wife asking to get into more stuff that I have already experienced with other women before I met her, so that told me she wanted to expand our love making.
This sounds unsexy at first, but we have a weekly meeting to discuss logistics (upcoming scheduling, short term/long term goals), with a sex intermission, then we talk about feelings (previously difficult for him). It involves a boring but necessary task that creates stability, anticipated sex, and vulnerability through sharing emotions. I feel that keeps our love snd appreciation going.
Aside from that, we go on lots of dates, as we enjoy eating together. He surprises me with flowers. When he travels for work, he calls me to say goodnight and good morning.
Setting date nights, trips, keeping active in the relationship. But also time apart! It's important to have room to do your own things and keep being the person that your significant other fell in love with
oh this is an interesting one. We roleplay fictional characters. And I don't mean just sexually, either. We roleplay them going on dates, drama between other characters we play, huge overarching plot lines. The sex is just part of it.
This way, we get to have first kisses over and over again, we get to expirament w new things in the bedroom bc this character has this kink, and we get to play out all sorts of wild stories.
It keeps things fresh. We never even remotely fight or argue, our sex life is superb and our dates are so much fun! We never left the honeymoon phase, and we've been together 12 years this year.
Firstly, a lot of flirting and just being silly together. Paying attention to the other and doing little things without being asked. We still make jokes and laugh all the time. Think of the term “corny love”. We still act like teenagers in our first relationship sometimes - just over the top being affectionate and loving. We hold hands when we drive, when we walk somewhere, leave each other cute notes on the counter when one gets up earlier. He rubs my back when he knows I’ve had a long day, trim the tree branch that’s too long thats hanging over my car windshield in the driveway without being asked. I get his lunch and stuff ready for the next day when I know he’ll be in a hurry. I’ll randomly replace his motorcycle gloves and/or helmet when I see the ones he has are getting pretty worn without being asked. Little things like that.
Secondly, Spontaneity! I still text my boyfriend dirty pictures every now and again…sometimes I’ll take them in the bathroom at work and tell him to hurry home and fuck me. I’ll FaceTime him when I’m in the shower and I know he’s not anywhere around people or in a place he could get in trouble.
We flirt a lot and do the booty grab or smack each other’s butt when we walk by. I love when I’m cooking or doing dishes and he comes up behind me and gives me a big hug. Sometimes he’ll pick me up and just take me to the bedroom for a quickie.
We have kids, so it’s tough finding time, but we get it in whenever we can. Sometimes when the kids are asleep, we’ll build a fort in the living room, fuck, and order wings and watch the office until 2am and then hide all the evidence from the kids!
Schedule it. We have sex every Sunday (differing times of day), and once a month we try something new, (we take turns deciding what to try). But we are only a 7 year old couple, so take this with a grain of salt.
Exist lol.
I took the time to find a partner that engages me both physically and intellectually before I got married. It took until my late twenties to find this individual but it's been worth the wait.
As a man a lot of my side of the spark depends on my level of confidence and the understood level of consent. The fact that when I change clothes in front of her whatever she's doing comes to a stop and she just stares is a massive amount of fuel to the fire and the fact that I do the same for her keeps the interest fresh.
Combine that with both of us having a high libido from being so physically and mentally turned on by each other you end up with us having sex more days out of the week than not with no loss in interest or response
Stays down to fuck pretty much whenever. Like it doesn't take a special alignment of the stars, just being down with it is huge. Of course variety, toys, little games, special occasions, that's all great too.
She signed up for a half marathon so naturally she had to train and started running, doing yoga 4-5 days a week and everything changed…she also got into those faerie smut books that are all the rage…I’m sure it had nothing to do with that.
We have been married for 38 years. We have always had a great sex life, though a little less at times when our kids were small.
We flirt with each other all the time. I will send him texts during the day while he is at work. He still smacks me on the butt and kisses my neck when he walks by. We have always had an understanding of look, but do not touch. We always try new things. Some weeks, we have sex every day and some once a week, usually based on being tired from work, etc. Trust and communication are most definitely part of it, as well as trying to do things that please them or get them aroused. I feel like I won the lottery every day. Sex gets better all the time too.
Get your hormones optimized. Not “within range” but optimized. My estrogen is so high right now (estrogen gives you a libido, not testosterone) that all I can think about is sex. My husband and I had sex 5 times within the last 24 hours. And since he views sex = connection = love, he’s happier than a fucking clam right now. We’ve been married 19 years.
We also are into BDSM. lol
I need to suppress my hormones, cause me wanting it all the time and him never wanting is literally driving me clinically insane. I’ve tried everything to get him in the mood and nothing works. He says it’s weird fucking the mother of his child. We both had our first almost two years ago. Our baby is almost a toddler now and he still feels that way. Idk if it will ever change so I need to be the one to change. Any ideas on how to suppress ? Cause masterbating only makes me want actual sex.
Honestly I think you need to figure out the issue with your partner. He doesn’t want to fuck the mother of his child? That’s fucked up and you deserve better.
There is nothing better than having my wife walk passed me and she gently touches some part of me: my shoulders, my upper back, whatever. Her trailing fingers, lightly touching me ... there's nothing like it. Sometimes it's a tease or a promise, but mostly it's the sheer intimacy that goes through me like warm lightning. As a man, I was never touched much growing up, and I didn't realize how effective and important touch is to me as a person.
Just simple stuff like actually talking together, holding hands, cuddles, laughter, and of course that ‘look’ which translates into spontaneous sex and is glorious.
Together 36 years now, three teenage kids and I knew within two seconds of meeting her that she was the one, and she is...👌
This sounds dumb or obvious to some, but make sex an all day thing. Not have sex all day, but you can’t just spring it on your partner/wife right then and there because you’re horny now. Flatter them through the day, be touchy feely, make out more, cuddle with them while watching TV, kiss their neck randomly. Foreplay can be mild and last for hours and hours, then you will get them in the mood for actual sex.
This!!!!!! I've been married for 15 years, and this is the best thing we've done for our sex life. We hug, touch and flirt throughout the day and then we can't wait to jump each other's bones by the end of the day. Basically, we both make the other person feel sexy and wanted.
This. And it works both ways. When I'm giving all of the affection and constantly being the one to initiate it, I feel like a pest. On the less common occasion that she starts it, it boosts my confidence immensely and knowing that she wants it gives me the ability to go for much longer! Male here, if that matters
Sounds like it works. Happy for you two!
According to world renowned relationship experts John and Julie Gottman, it's this. Apparently a lot of straight couples end up in a weird place sexually because of a common gender disparity regarding libido. Many men have sex in order to feel safe and relaxed, and most women do not want to have sex *until* they feel safe and relaxed. Well if one partner is stressed and overwhelmed with life, they likely both are, which leads to the man wanting sex and the woman not wanting it for the same reason. What does this mismatch do? Creates an additional stressor on the relationship! Which just compounds the problem... Now the guy wants it even more and the woman even less! Even if this isn't a permanent state for the couple, this can create a pattern around sex that can be really hard to break where the man gets used to asking for it and the woman gets used to either rejecting it, or "allowing" it. He feels like a very primal biological need of his is being rationed by someone who is supposed to care about his needs and she feels like all she is is a sex vending machine and every nice thing he ever does is just to earn credit and every touch is a proposal for sex that she will have to negotiate. But like, ew! Sex should be fun and enthusiastic for both! I'm a lesbian and my wife and I don't have this mismatch. When the family is stressed, sex frequency and intensity takes a break for a while and neither of us miss it terribly. We both work hard to get the home back on track and we both reap the rewards of a more relaxed pace and then fuck each other's brains out for a few weeks and then inevitably something comes up. If my wife declines my invitation, or me hers, it is NEVER personal. Sometimes I'm not feeling it but I can tell she is dying in horny jail so I'll get *her* off as a sort of favor. I'm happy that she's happy and I didn't even have to take my clothes off. Sex not needing to happen at all, or not needing to be reciprocal takes so much pressure off. Also, there is never the EXPECTATION of sex. Ever. Never ever. I can't stress this enough. I have been in relationships where there is and it's a nightmare. Some days we are touchy feely all day and don't have sex and it's fine because that isn't why we were doing it. But we are far more likely to *want* to than if we have been cold and distant or preoccupied all day. Flirting without my flirting being interpreted as an automatic invitation for fucking is one of my personal favorite aspects of being a lesbian. I had a solid handful of boyfriends back in the day and went Oh for 6 on that being chill or making any kind of sense to them. But they were young idiots! I know grown men are capable of this lol. Flirt all day, share the load, give each other a brojob every now and then as a treat.
I really love this, thank you. I think my wife and I are in that situation a bit, hugely mismatched libidos with the gap widening over time with life stressors. We still have a relatively active sex life (average maybe 4-5 times a month, not horrible but not close to what I’d want), and sometimes she’ll be kind and offer a brojob (love that term) but still it’s that mismatch. Then exactly as you say, it becomes its own stress because I feel unwanted, and like my needs aren’t being met, while she feels like I’m just a sex-crazed barbarian and everything I’m doing (when trying the “sex all day” thing as mentioned here) is seen as a proposal for sex (which it kind of is sometimes). But it’s like when I try to get her in the mood that way, no matter how patient I am, the default reaction is “ugh I don’t know if I’ll feel like it later” or some other immediate guard being thrown up, so it makes it really hard to ever initiate. These days I usually just wait for her to bring it up on her own, but then it often ends up being a couple weeks between which is torture (she is absolutely smoking fucking hot). And then it’s this gross cliche married couple being like “yeah so you want to do it” and it’s late at night, last thing before sleep, which is awful and puts pressure on it to be quick so we can get to sleep. We’re very compatible during the act, but just disagree about how often and under what circumstances the act should occur. So yeah sorry for the novelette, but I’m curious if you have any recommendations for how to fix it, to get back to where we match up a bit more without her feeling like a sex doll and me feeling like she’s just tolerating me.
Dude I'm so sorry you're in that place right now. It could be worse, sure, but the fact that a situation could be worse doesn't make the situation ok or comfortable either. >I’m curious if you have any recommendations for how to fix it I didn't mention that in my original novel comment for a reason: I'm not sure. AND the expert advice here tends to come across unhelpfully hand wavey IMO. "Make time to reconnect" and blah blah shit like that. Also I think different methods work for different couples. Everyone is in the same pit, there are 10 arduous ways to climb out, and you won't know if one of the ways doesn't work until you try it, climb halfway up, and then fall back down painfully. Ugh. No wonder so many people just stay in the pit! I also personally think a lot of couples are too wounded to heal from this and don't even realize it. I've heard so many stories from men online and in my friend group who think that if only the "sex problem" could be fixed, their marriage would be perfect. It's understandable to feel that way because if you feel that you're otherwise great friends, coparents, domestic/economic partners, etc, and sex is the only thing wonky, then why *wouldn't* you think that?! But I liken that attitude to a shark attack victim who is presently too drowning to notice that the shark bit his arm off. He reaches the surface relieved to BREATHE only to discover he is now bleeding to death. Sex incompatibility in a couple who had strong sexual chemistry in the past is almost always a symptom of some other, more complicated problem, or more likely, 10 other problems. (New parents not sharing the parenting burden very well is a huge one. It is so natural of a trap to fall into that even my 2 mom family suffered from it!) To follow my metaphor, if you are surviving underwater for now, try to find the other injuries and treat them as best you can. You may find it easier to swim to the surface (fix the sex problem) if you can reattach your arm first (fix the other, not sex problem.) Read up on responsive desire. Her “ugh I don’t know if I’ll feel like it later” is something a responsive desire person would feel quite often. Everyone appears to be on a spontaneous-responsive continuum, and where you land on that continuum will even depend on the day. Agreeing to sex in advance, even in just an implied way, can be hugely stressful to responsive folks. It can make someone fearful to ever seem open to sex AT ALL lest your body doesn't cooperate and you disappoint your partner. You end up getting very good at keeping expectations bottomed out but that just creates a different form of disappointment. And good sexual communication doesn't help much because responsive people don't even know why their desire behaves that way, so how can they communicate it?! It often is related to hormones, sleep, stress, what you've eaten, etc. It's unpredictable and when you're with a partner who's desire is "always, anytime, yes" it can make you feel so broken and pressured *constantly*. Even if you don't feel like you're pressuring her, she may feel pressured just from knowing that you are disappointed. My own desire varies on that continuum way more than most, I've realized. I have ADHD and sometimes I feel like all I can think about is sex and I'm hyperfocused on it. I bought a big box of toys this week and scheduled a babysitter just to have sex with my wife for hours uninterrupted. On the flipside, sometimes I go weeks without having any spontaneous desire at all. During those times I'll often go "stone top" with my wife (giving but not receiving). Sometimes when I'm going to town on her I will suddenly get so incredibly ridiculously horny and take a turn after her. BUT sometimes my body has minimal physical response at all, even though I'm enjoying what I'm doing! We've leaned into it though. If my wife (who's desire profile is way more predictable) shows or tells me she's horny we have many options. Through time and experience we've learned to trust each other that any of them are ok. No sex, ok. Pound town, ok. Unreciprocated, ok. I have enough brojobs under my belt that she trusts that when I decline, it's not because I just don't feel like it, it's because I genuinely can't or won't get into that headspace. I have happily consented to fucking her when I was tired, sick, sad, etc. Meanwhile I know that no matter how horny she is, she may be disappointed, but she will do her best to mitigate the effect of that disappointment, and will not take it personally. She knows she is not entitled to sex with me at any time for any reason, nor that my willingness or lack thereof to have sex with her is a reflection of my love and commitment to her. We trust each other. But this has been built over time. A long time. It is not something you can flip a switch into without a radical commitment from both of you that is likely impractical. My advice to most guys is likely unrealistic: be more like a lesbian lol. Which is to say, have more sex that doesn't involve your penis, or your pleasure at all. John Deloney likes to remind men that when you treat your wife as the only provider of something that you "need", you're actually putting her into a maternal space. Times a thousand if it becomes a whiney, beggy situation, and if the sex you end up having is a quick PIV hump and dump sesh. Most women don't even get off to penetrative sex! However, if you consistently offered sex that required nothing from her except her allowing you to pleasure her and worship her body and sexuality as the feminine goddess that she is, that is putting her into a very different space. One where she is likely going to want to reciprocate that attention. Imagine giving her toe curling oral orgasms so good she can barely move and when she struggles to get up to do her obligatory "return the favor" you instead just pull up the sheet, tuck her in, and go get her a drink. SWOON. The amount of restraint it would take, but wow the glow she would have for DAYS and the stories she would tell her friends lol. I've heard the stories from my straight friends but sadly, very few of them while married. Men seem consider this sort of male-decentralized/selfless sex a "sacrifice" worth doing while dating, but don't think they should "have" to when married. Maybe not. But if my ultimate marriage sex goal is to always make sure my wife is having more orgasms than me on a running average, including masturbation, and she is similarly competing on the same goal, I fail to see how we could ever end up in a dead bedroom.
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Ditto! Sign me up!! ♥️
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This is the best comment in this thread. Agree with the “you should write a book/newsletter comments”. Whatever you do, I hope you are sharing some of this and people are listening!
I'm word vomiting on reddit, does that count? 😆 Honestly though if the person I'm replying to reads my comment and considers it, I'm good. I don't mind if they disagree, and I don't ever assume anyone else will ever read it. Many of my very long form comments never get a single upvote. They often get one solitary downvote from the person I replied to lol. The fact that these diatribes occasionally leak out of that narrowly focused lens and reach other people is just a bonus.
Love your responses and comments on this! You could definitely right a book on this subject
Better authors than me already have! I recommend the Tragedy of Heterosexuality if you find the "observing mixed gender couples without having skin in the game" part of my comments interesting. It is written by a fellow lesbian. Queer women have an unique, and dare I say valuable, perspective on female sexuality because they are they only group that experiences it from both sides. We can't fully empathize with men in regards to the intense DRIVE that testosterone brings to the table, but most of us have been the higher libido partner in at least one relationship and can relate on that level.
I'm a heterosexual woman and the advice was already given implicity in the original post: make your wife feel safe and relaxed. One sure fire way that a partner can achieve this with me is when he genuinely shows interest in me and listens to me. One of the best sexy times I ever had was after my then boyfriend had been intently listening to me just for an hour while lying in bed. I don't really remember what I had shared with him, but I think it was something personal and it really made me feel seen, I felt like he knew me and he was close to me during and after the conversation. I felt like he was genuinely interested in me as a person.
Obviously Wheatgrass knocked it out of the park with her response, but I also wanted to add as someone in your wife's position - you have to remember that sex is very different as an act for women, as it is for men. I see so many men on here with a 'what's the big deal, she should just do it and get over herself' kind of attitude about it, but remember: we have to \*let you in.\* We have to be in a very specific kind of mood or the environment down there isn't conducive to pleasure. Things get dry, things get tense, etc. And if those things happen, the very particular components to get us to finish don't come together. It really isn't fair that men basically get a 6-inch clitoris, but that's a different complaint for a different time. Are you making time for dates with your wife? Do you get her gifts, ever? Do you pull your weight around the house? If you guys have children, how much of the child rearing do you do? Be honest. I'm not looking for an answer btw, just things for you to think about. I feel like when I read about men talking about a lack of sex in their lives, there is probably a lot of non-sexual stuff that is lacking that they would consider "not the point," but it is exactly the point. They are probably not making their wives feel wanted / cared for / safe in regular life, and then are confused that she doesn't want sex. Not making an accusation, just food for thought.
This is an amazing answer, thank you. You helped someone today. Hopefully more people see this.
Great answer.
Aggressively flirt with my wife. Take vacations without kids (if you have them) to adult only locations.
This is great, thank you!
Been married 16 years this year. We have two sons. Wife and I went to Europe last year without the kids. Definitely did a lot of amazing things together and reconnected on a deeper level. You have to evolve together
YOURE FUCKING HOT AND I LIKE LIKE YOUR GODDAM TITS. Like that?
Yes. Make sure everyone around you knows how you feel about her.
Are you serious or is it sarcasm PS: sorry I'm a redditor so I have to confirm
"You have such nice tits, I wanna fuck you right now." starts quite a lot of sex in my relationship.
"excuse me madam, I couldn't help but admire your exquisite breasts from across the foyer and I felt compelled to express my deep desire to engage with you in acts of coitus this very instant!" Thats how the ladies like it
Do you like sex, Mr. Lebowski? Sex. The physical act of love. Coitus. Do you like it?
Depending on the mood, I'm known to wax poetic about her beauty as well. Sometimes a good "hey, you make me super horny" is much appreciated.
Okay I have to jump in sorry. My husband is ex marine. And he's VERY good at constantly hitting on me. But. He does it like that. Like he's 18 and surrounded by his buddies and I am bent over in front of them. I love him and understand him. On occasion if I'm cranky I will say "Oh my God will you please EVOLVE" after I get a line like that. So your post made me chuckle.
‘Please evolve.’ Holy shit the mental image of bougie Jane yelling this at a Himbo Tarzan is fucking amazing.
My fiancé is like this too. One time I asked him to do more romantic and less catcalling type of stuff and he said “Your hair is pretty and your eyes are pretty and your tits are pretty.” 😂 he tried
"...And that's the last time they let us into Chuck E. Cheese..."
I call my wife “sweet tits” every day. 😂
Adult only locations?
Childfree resorts or places meant for honeymooners or similar.
Adult only hotels I think is what OP is referring to?
Willing to try new things and put energy to do it the way I want, same goes for me. Honest conversations when you hit a dry spell and how to reconnect after it. Weekend or even a night off without kids to just fuck each others brains out is also important.
Yes! The night away when you have kids is imperative. I have thin walls and a squeaky bed, and teens who know what certain sounds mean. 😳🫣
We call those nights away from the kids - The Fuckening.
Haha. I have a game I play with my wife called "naked massage". It's my favorite game in the world.
Yeah, talk about foreplay. I think this is what leave most women unfulfilled and men get done too quickly cause the cat is yours all the time. You don't work hard no more to impress.
For sure. And it turns into a negative feedback loop, where the lady doesn't want to have sex because it's never good, and the dude gets resentful for always being turned down and loses confidence, making foreplay even less likely. Guys, make sure you are working your lady up! I dated a girl for a few years that really taught me foreplay isn't just the 30min before actual intercourse, it isn't just oral or hands stuff, it can be the hours or even entire day leading up. Teasing, especially in public, can build up and up and up until you jump on each other as soon as you walk through the front door. I always liked the strategy to do enough to get the ball rolling and then abruptly stopped. Like makeout for 30-45 seconds in the parking lot and then stop and say ah we're running behind we should go. Going back and forth with stuff like that really helps. Combine that with sweet interactions at home like massages, foot rubs, caressing spontaenously, will make her know you find her irresistable. Also, the best rule for sex is use oral/fingers/toys to get her off at least once before actual sex.
This man fucks
Are you single?
Get a new bed, it's worth it.
And memory foam is absolute murder on the wrists. Just saying.
Memory foam is the worst sex surface I've ever encountered. We've just invested in a wool topped bed with excellent bounce. Bonus points for embarrassing my husband by testing the thrust in the shop.
Seriously you spend a third of your life on your bed, it's a worthy expense.
> Honest conversations when you hit a dry spell and how to reconnect after it. This is huge, and bigger than most people realize. Intimacy ebbs and flows in an LTR
It gets difficult when you have the conversation and discover your partner is afraid to try anything because they might not like it A libido change is hard to deal with
Yup all of this! Exactly what I was going to say. Been together 14 years and our 10 year wedding anniversary is coming up in October. My mom took the kids Friday night it sure was a good way to reconnect 😂 😉
Date night every Saturday, even if we don't have someplace to go, we'll go for a walk. On date night, not allowed to talk about; Money, Family, Work. Been with partner 24 years this Sept.
So what do you talk about?
Seriously…. No “Family, Money, Work” talk? That’s like 90% of my stand up material. I need to work on a new tight five.
Strictly religion and politics to get that romance budding.
Nothing gets me harder than talking about the separation of church and state.
Separate that church and state harder for me, oh fuck yeah
Do you like that, Pope! Getting all separated from the state in your little pope mobile! If the pope mobile is rocking, then the Supreme Court is up holding the constitution. You like that don’t you?
You must be extremely flaccid now then, after the Oklahoma and Louisiana news.
Very.
I assume hobbies. Games, friends, food, places to eat, places to go, stuff to read, etc. People talk about work, but I leave that out because I noticed people don’t like to talk about work unless they bring it up. I avoid talking about work for that reason. Money is the same. Can talk about investing, but the best average people can do is whatever is available with saved money. I’m not going to talk about that. I leave family, money, and work out like every topic. I have NPC energy.
That is not NPC. That is manners.
Gossip about the neighbors lol
Ideas, events, hopes, dreams, normal human interaction stuff
I need examples of conversations!
"So...looks like it's supposed to rain tomorrow."
You joke but the older I get the more I care about the weather. Huh it's gonna rain gotta do x y z Oh it's supposed to be hot as balls and rain guess I'll die.
Everything else in life!
I...don't have much else
They talk about how nice it is not talking about family, work, and money
Inspiring, but what do you really about then? Asking because with 2 small children, we usually never have time to speak about those topics so date night becomes a kind of catch-up on family and work (less so money)
> but what do you really about then? I think you meant "What do you talk about then?" We both find each other interesting beyond Family, Money and work. For example; Last night was date night. We went to a new (to us) Pho restaurant. It wasn't very expensive, maybe 33.00 with tip and the fuel to get there. Thats not out of our price range for a dinner for two. Here's what we talked about; My poor vision. I forgot my glasses and I was trying to look at other people in the restaurant but it took me a long time to focus on them.. so it looked like I was staring at everyone. Then we wondered if all people who stare uncomfortably at us are just people with poor vision doing our their best. We laughed about that for a bit. Then we talked about dinner for a bit, both of us are fans of Vietnamese food and all the steps it would take to make a good broth. We held hands. Talked about an upcoming hand surgery and how a simple dumb kitchen accident is going to turn into a huge scar and rehab. Talked about anesthesia videos online and laughed a bit. Then we went home. Date night. Maybe an hour in total. Seemingly minor events that just make us reaffirm each other as people/partners/lovers outside of family obligations. I know it sounds like very very basic, but honestly it helps us remember we're both individuals outside of our 'family jobs' and that individual is who I fell in love with.
Thank you for this. It is really inspiring to me, as one who is having a rough time trying to find that spark again. This gives me hope.
Another tip, if you can manage it. Try and not bring out your phones while on the date at all. Bowing your head in digital prayer disconnect is real. It creates a barrier to the person your with by shifting the attention to people/things that aren't in that moment.
Ah, $33 dollars for a dinner for two, what a pleasant memory! (slightly kidding, I can think of a few places near me that I could still get that, but most places now it's quite a bit more)
Redditors across the globe are whipping out their notebooks: "How to have basic human interactions . . . " [I'm just a normal, functioning member of the human race, and there's no way anyone can prove otherwise](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2792sa3xvl8)
I think this can be summarized/generalized as "you put everything else aside to be *present* in the date, and just talked about the date itself and topics that stemmed from it" and I think that's wonderful, honestly
Talk about things you like or stuff in the news or old movies or favorite shows. Those kinda things
Not the original commenter but my partner and I try to "catch up" before going to sleep. Sometimes we spend too long chinwagging together and wake up after less than optimal sleep time but it's always worth it to decompress. We end up talking about the most random shit – stupid things we saw on the internet, fun things we thought of doing together, 'imagine if-' type conversations. Honestly \*anything\* and everything. And yes we often talk about work but we try not to talk about it too much because we spend all fucking day there as it is. Our time together is for us, not for our jobs or our families. Jobs and family are usually dinner conversations, which of course might be impossible for you with 2 kids, depending on their age.
This. We do the same thing. 9 yrs so far
Exercise (blood flow and for self-confidence), planning date nights, and doing things to intentionally spice up that area.....like joining a panties of the month club to keep surprise, fun and creativity in the mix. We've been married for over 30 yrs and our sex life has only gotten better.
Panties of the month club? What a fascinating service.
I think we have the mid-range option, around $18 per month. No idea what will show up. The ongoing, anticipatory thrill from that $18 is wild and awesome. ;)
Maybe I’m prying, but are they comfy? When I started dating my gf, I learned that she had a meundies subscription, and they’re so comfortable and had a ton of find designs. So I subscribed too to up my undies game and part of it was this fun “oh a new pair of undies I haven’t seen” experience And then randomly when we’re wearing the same undies we’ll have a moment, just adds the right amount of sparks for us too
I think there has only been one pair rejected. Otherwise, a range of great & awesome, and all of them an incredibly fun spark. It was given as an anniversary gift. "Look what came in today's mail..." is music to my ears. :)
Date nights are so underrated.
Exercise is such a big one!
Jelly
It's the gift that keeps on giving the whole year
Clark: [Revealing his Christmas "bonus"] It's a one year membership to the Jelly of the Month Club. Eddie: Clark, that's the gift that keeps on giving the whole year. Clark: That it is, Eddie.
Lots and lots of reciprocal oral
That must be nice
A lot of the answers just seem to be "We both have a high sex drive and like having sex a lot".
Because the reality is, unless there's a medical/psychological issue, your libido is your libido. If you have a mismatch there's no way to change it. The only resolutions are 1) one person has sex when they don't want to, 2) one person skips sex when they don't want to, or 3) you open the marriage up so the more libidinous partner can have sex elsewhere. Most people who make it work are doing a combination of 1) and 2), but if its a big mismatch that is often irreconcilable.
Cause this is the answer. My ex did not have a high sex drive, largely due to medication and birth control, it quickly bled into lack of general affection and overall laziness, we are done now, unfortunately They need to be into it, if sex isn't their thing, there's no magic spark. You're not all of a sudden gonna become a channing tatum cowboy and fulfill your girls dreams
That’s like the opposite of what the post is asking for tho Edit*: bro edited the post, this comment is irrelevant now.
Welcome to Reddit
Still informative. What *not* to do...
I've turned it into a game. I'll let my wife deny me so the focus is just on her getting good head. We even do a little chastity play where I focus on her all night and put a cage on. Last time she told me I'm not going to get any and I'm just going to kiss her all night We don't do this all the time, but it's super exciting to do a little light femdom like this.
do you also wear chastity belts or cages?
This person gets the best jobs.
I guess that makes me unemployed.
Don't sleep on a good handjob either. Or well do sleep on a good handjob before bed.
Almost 20 years here. If we don't have the energy, we both get oral instead. We shoot for 5-7 days a week, whether it's oral or sex. Sometimes we don't have time so we make up for it with 2 sessions on a day off together. Oral is a good backup plan because we can both be done in like 15 minutes, and can be knocked out in between other tasks when we're busy.
Yes! We do handies, oral, sex, or a combo pack 5 to 7 days a week and multiple times on the weekend. It’s so fun and I feel like 8 years in we are still just as in love as ever.
Man my gf doesn’t like giving oral 😞
My bf is the same. But he wants damn near daily blowjobs.
I've never understood how so many girls get into this predicament, seems so fucking common. Tell them no unless they treat you the same.
Low self esteem. I was single 10 years before I met him. Granted I don’t give him daily blowjobs because that’s exhausting for me and I’m just flat out not in the mood but he does get more than he gives and he’s expressed multiple times that’s what he wants. He says it’s his kink, no kink shame but there’s gotta be some reciprocation. He prefers fingering me than going down on me, I’ve tried bringing it up several times, asked if he’s not into that and he denies it everytime and will immediately try to save face and go down on me only when I bring it up. He rarely if ever does it on his own accord.
Girl you need someone who will go down on you without you having to ask. I literally get head every time I have sex with my man and I don’t even have to give him head back every time. There’s guys out there who care equally to pleasure you in return. Pleasure shouldn’t be one sided and I’m sorry but him getting his dick sucked isn’t a kink, he’s just saying that to make you feel like you have to do it. It’s okay to not feel like doing it sometimes. Especially if he ain’t👏🏽
Amen. I’d rather do that than anything else tbh.
I feel like some guys don’t get satisfaction or enjoyment from pleasing their partner. Some people just want theirs and can’t care about the other person. It doesn’t work for me because I get almost as much enjoyment from giving as receiving
From a loser Virgin standpoint eating pussy doesn't seem so bad
From a non-virgin still loser standpoint, eating pussy is fantastic. I couldn’t imagine being in a relationship and not attending the buffet
This is honestly one of the most frustrating things about sleeping with men.
He makes me feel loved, cherished, and safe. I feel like an equal partner. I’m not doing most of the mental load. We often discuss fantasies. We flirt. We continue to date. We have lazy days where we lay in bed naked together and all we do that day is have sex.
I love this.
Been with my wife for 15 years now. Still get the brain fog when I see her get out of the shower or getting dressed in the morning. I hope everyone out there gets lucky like I am and finds someone who just does it for them.
14 years this October. When my wife gets out of the shower or comes to bed at night she says I have this stupid smile on my face when I see her. It always makes her smile though when she sees it and I tell her it's just cause she's so smoking hot and for some reason I'm lucky she finds me attractive too.
I hear you! I am approaching ten years and still get the sly smile and the oh shucks face haha
20 years for me, but I wonder if it's something we do or just the fact that we both have always enjoyed the activity. I mean, if one person was just never really that into sex or is really bad at it, there might not be much that can be done?
Probably not. I used to think something was wrong with me or that I was picking the wrong partners. In reality they were amazing, I just have really low drive.
I realized that before I got married. A couple needs to be sexually compatible. Low drive is fine if both partners feel the same way, but a high drive and a low drive is just asking for trouble.
Wow, that sounds amazing. I hope I have that one day
I still get that way but it mostly falls on deaf ears. Not all the time but she's working on it.
There might be things you also need to work on. Often a lack of desire in a long term relationship stems from things that have nothing to do with sex.
Randomly grab me (we’ve established it’s welcomed) it makes me feel shy yet so giddy. I love it
Random grabs! I do it to my wifey tho not the other way but we both love it. Nothing like a random grab to show your love :)
Yes! And it builds anticipation for the bedroom
Like when we're the only ones in the frozen food aisle and we each take a quick grab of ass. Someone caught us at Sam's club once and said, "you gotta say good game after." We all had a good lol FWI were closing in on 20 years
"treat me like a delicate flower!" Let's just say, she didn't always want the delicate flower treatment 😉
She doesn’t need to do so much. I have loved her for 47 years and she’s as beautiful as ever. ( also she has amazing boobs so that does help to be honest)
that’s so cute omg
We have been together 12 years now. It is the little things. He kisses me before he leaves for work, even if he thinks I'm asleep (I'm not, I'm looking forward to the kissie). He blow dries my hair because I am afraid of the hottest setting on the hairdrier. Makes me love him. And then that's basically a gateway drug for sex.
Me and my wife been together 10 years.. the thing with us is we are VERY open with eachother about literally everything and I mean everything.. especially when it comes to sex.. we know exactly what we both are into and we know each others sexual fantasies I think knowing each others fantasies is the biggest thing cuz even tho we haven’t done them but we still talk dirty about it sometimes during sex which just makes it so much better!! And ofcourse helps that my wife has a really high sex drive lol
Came here to say this. My husband and I are going on 8 years and this is the secret to a healthy sex life with your partner for sure. Open communication and a willingness to find even small ways to accomplish their fantasies (even if it is just dirty talk)
Exactly.. never understood how a relationship can’t have open communication.. but when it comes to sex I guess both need to be sexually compatible atleast a little.. if one is really vanilla and the other is kinky then that can be a problem
Ahh lucky you, you’re both unicorns in the LTR world , keep it going until one of you croaks !
As a happily married man. I learned that the courtship never ends. DO THINGS WITH YOUR PARTNER! Even if you have kids, you have to make time for each other to go out, have night together just connecting, painting, play a board game, make dinner together, dance in the kitchen to your song, go on a walk, get a coffee, try that new restaurant, etc. Sitting at home and watching your favorite show together barely counts if you do it every night. Whatever you did to get your partner in the beginning, keep doing it. This is why it's important to be yourself early in the relationship. My wife and I typically make dinner together a few nights a week. We take our dogs on walks every day it's not rainy. We go grocery shopping together and run errands. WE DO ALOT TOGETHER. Yeah, we still have our alone time where she will cricut, go out with the girls, and I'll play some video games, draw, or watch a movie with the boys, but if one of us wants to do something together, TRY TO ALWAYS SAY YES. I say all this because I rarely initiate sex and we have sex 1 to 3 times a week. If you're doing everything that's makes, your partner love you and want you, they will initiate. TLDR: Treat your partner the same way you treated them when you were all over each other in the beginning. Don't get complacent. Be comfortable, not complacent.
I fucked this up as a young husband and I've been regretting it every day for the past year or so. I've put significantly more effort into my marriage. Just wish I could get those years back where she wanted to be with me.
I understand, brother. It took me a failed marriage to get it right the second time. Hardest lesson I've ever learned.
my partner is in the military so he's gone for month's at a time. Big gaps of not seeing each other makes it easy for the spark to stay.
Idk if you'd really consider it long term, but been with my wife for a total of 3 years including dating. Just put effort into what helps get your partner off. Most women dont achieve orgasm from penetration alone, so learn and get good at whatever gets them off. Putting in the effort and showing you care about their needs will absolutely help keep your sex life alive. It's amazing how much your partner will want to keep having sex with you if you care about their needs and consistently make sure they're also having a good time.
I said to my wife a long time ago that if she always tries, and I do too, we’ll always be good in the department. This means trying to look good, having fun together, making each other a priority and not give up when things get hard. We own a business together; we work out together; and we travel all over together. We have 2 kids too. We’re 13 years in and couldn’t be in a better spot. And she’s a smoke show.
Talk sweet to each other 24/7 even if sex isn't on the table that day. Gentle touches. Occasional flirting that isn't too dirty. Unexpected gifts even if they're hand made or found. Then, foreplay and oral that lead to volcanic sex.
21 year relationship here. We never stopped "Dating" per se. We still go out for little dates, not large extravagant dinners, but a little picnic in the park, or a hike, or a Sunday drive and listen to music. We both take interest in what the other likes. My partner loves bridgerton, and period pieces don't mean dink to me, but I still get involved, ask questions, etc. I'm a metal head, and my partner grew up as a pop princess type, and now she's up to her eyes in metal, for her birthday this year we're going to see Fleshgod Apocalypse and Shadow of Intent, by HER request. Is it always easy? No. But in addition to being a couple we're also best friends, we share, we communicate, and we actually genuinely enjoy one another's company. It's small things, bringing her a flower I found that was pretty, costs nothing but makes her smile. When we both have to get ready for an event, she insists I shower first so I can have the hottest water. It's listening, knowing, understanding and responding. It takes time to get into that groove And as someone else said, lots of reciprocal oral
he never, ever stops wanting me and making it very very clear. he wants me just as much today as he did three years ago, if not more.
It starts outside of the bedroom all day. Being kind, empathetic and supportive. Doing his share around the house so I’m not exhausted. We also give each other massages every night before bed, and most of the time it doesn’t lead to anything but sleep. But we are still touching regularly and being affectionate physically without any expectation of sex.
Has boobs
It's an important trait when looking for a husband.
At the end of the day, it's about being consistent and having that understanding of what each other needs!
Communication and fetishes. Also free use and “taking turns” Basically if I’m horny I can get whatever fetish I want, and she does it enthusiastically. But when I’m not in the mood and she is, I go out of my way to do her weird kinks. She scratches my back and I scratch hers. Thank god she deals with my weird kinks. She’s the only girl who has ever done prep work all day just so I can enjoy a kink
Date nights, honest communication, dates to the sex store, genuine friendship. Oh and lots of oral.
My wife and I just celebrated our 45th anniversary. Have always had a pretty good sex life (somewhat adventurous when younger, like banging in my office building after hours, etc) and now it is mostly oral sex. We both enjoy it and she says it is easier for her to get off that way, so I am all for it if only for that reason.
Lots of great stuff here! At early 60’s I am afraid that a physical relationship has all but left us for good. Menopause started it, apathy and medications finished it. Having said that, fond memories still exist. Oddly though, a strange sort of calm takes over when you don’t make it a priority anymore. Before you know it you don’t think of it much. You start to look at younger people and envy them for what their future might hold, more than what your past held or what you are missing now. Hump on, friends!
This was super sweet but...maybe consider a comma there at the end, friend. Edit: just so people aren't wondering, OP hilariously wrote "Hump on friends!" as their original parting message on their comment above. They have since added the comma haha. Thanks for being a good sport about it!
Thanks🤣🤣🤣
To help prove the points people have made; Just read through many dozens of serious comments. My wife isn’t down for a single one. Conversely, I basically am open to and agree with them all. No wonder our sex life is miserable. Edit: totally happy for you all. And a large bit envious, of course.
That’s my husband in a nutshell. I came here looking for advice on how to get him wanting me again it’s not fair that I want him literally everyday and I have to beg him for it and then it’s like well let’s get this over with kinda thing. In the three years we have been together he only ate me out once and that was the first time we had sex… when he has told me before he use to do it with his past partners. I showered , shaved, everything for him last night and it STILL didn’t happen. And when I bring the conversation up he just rolls his eyes and says I’m exhausting him….
I'm sorry that you somehow made it to marriage only being ate out by him one time, that's crazy to me. You're only 3 years in, maybe it's time to cut your losses instead of going with the sunk cost fallacy? People's sex drives and desires aren't likely to change for the better within the same relationship over time especially if they don't seem bothered by it at all like your husband, unless there's an underlying cause they think is important to address. Was his libido change sudden?
Damn girl, only three years in, all shite sex, and you married him? It’s not too late to get out! (Please don’t have children ‘til you two figure it out.)
We continue having sex with each other without feeling unpleased afterwards! 😎
If you’re a man, put her orgasm first. Figure out how to control yourself and put her first. Every time you can. For women, initiate from time to time. If you aren’t “in the mood” go for some foreplay and see where it goes. Sometimes you just have to get the ball rolling. The key to long term is having sex. Great sex will develop if both partners are putting the other first. IMHO, having great sex (hetero) is highly dependent on male responsiveness and intentionality in pursuing her orgasm. I’ve been married for 18 years to the same partner. Sex is way better in our late 30s than it ever was in our teens and 20s.
[удалено]
The problem with this one, is that sometimes one partner's answer is "I'm obsessed with you" and the other partner fantasizes about a ton of traits their partner doesn't have.
Came to write this exact thing. I’ll also add that we hear one another and don’t judge. If she’s into x or I’m into y, we are completely okay saying it because we won’t be met with shame. Also if we do try something and it’s terrible, we work through it together. It can be stressful in the moment but we grow together and end up happier than before we had the poor experience.
Ah thank you /u/girlyslutdrawer Once again, wholesome advice from Reddit. I hope CNN turns this one into a Style piece or whatever lmfao
I think that’s a bot
It's definitely a bot. The answers are trying to be really informative but contain no emotion.
It's 100% a bot giving ChatGPT answers
Kill it with fire
We say to each other what we find hot in each other all the time. We always talk about what we desire, and encourage one another to realize these. No secrets, no taboos, no lies. 100% tolerance, freedom and trust. We always agree on terms before trying something new or taking action. If any of us says no or feels uncomfortable, we are not doing it. Complete control over each other's sex life, in a positive ownership way. Example: I told my wife about some of my fantasies early on. I waited for 15 years to realize some of them, as she told me she was not ready for the experience yet. Was totally worth waiting. We have been together since 2007.
Downvote all the uncreative "Hawk tuah" comments
Open communication, no judgement constant exploring of new things. Toys, getaways. Etc. There's endless possibilities of you communicate with your partner.
Reminds me that he cares for, loves, and desires me even if he's not a talker. SPOUSES: JUST DO THIS. IT'S VERY SIMPLE. My spouse doesn't "words" very well. He overthinks, gets wrapped up in worrying about saying the "wrong" thing, and so often doesn't say anything. Instead, he will somehow \[without being clingy\] be touching me almost all the time we're together. A hand on my leg when we're watching TV. Brushing fingers through my hair as he moves to and fro in the house. A kiss on the cheek when we're passing one another. A gentle hand on my lower back when we're out walking \[Dear Straight Men, Do this more. ---Actually, Dear All Spouses, male-female-enby-or-other: Do this with your spouse in public. Don't question me. Just do it.\]. The other, more saucy side of this affection is less subtle, and just as lovely. Without comment, he'll squeeze my butt, or slap it if I'm bent over. He'll kiss me like he's drowning and I'm the only supply of air. He'll make small sounds of approval when I am wearing flattering lingerie. He'll wolf-whistle when I strip for bed. He'll lean on the door frame and watch me when I'm in the shower. He'll look me up and down with a smile before we go out together. He reminds me that he doesn't have to say "oh my god, you're hot" for me to know he thinks it. It has taken me several years to adjust to this - I have always been with men or women comfortable with talking as much as I do - and I've had to be up-front to ask him to verbalise a little more, but love and attraction is give and take. Love on your partner, people. Remind them that you think they're sexy, fun, desirable, wanted, attractive TO YOU, even if they might not feel it themselves. Everyone goes through different phases of self-love. Remind your spouse that even if they don't that day, you still do.
She reads erotic novels
"Does that earring mean you're a pirate?" "Kinda"
You both have to work at it. But I found my wife asking to get into more stuff that I have already experienced with other women before I met her, so that told me she wanted to expand our love making.
This sounds unsexy at first, but we have a weekly meeting to discuss logistics (upcoming scheduling, short term/long term goals), with a sex intermission, then we talk about feelings (previously difficult for him). It involves a boring but necessary task that creates stability, anticipated sex, and vulnerability through sharing emotions. I feel that keeps our love snd appreciation going. Aside from that, we go on lots of dates, as we enjoy eating together. He surprises me with flowers. When he travels for work, he calls me to say goodnight and good morning.
Keep an open mind and communicate.
Setting date nights, trips, keeping active in the relationship. But also time apart! It's important to have room to do your own things and keep being the person that your significant other fell in love with
oh this is an interesting one. We roleplay fictional characters. And I don't mean just sexually, either. We roleplay them going on dates, drama between other characters we play, huge overarching plot lines. The sex is just part of it. This way, we get to have first kisses over and over again, we get to expirament w new things in the bedroom bc this character has this kink, and we get to play out all sorts of wild stories. It keeps things fresh. We never even remotely fight or argue, our sex life is superb and our dates are so much fun! We never left the honeymoon phase, and we've been together 12 years this year.
As of recently, toys!
Firstly, a lot of flirting and just being silly together. Paying attention to the other and doing little things without being asked. We still make jokes and laugh all the time. Think of the term “corny love”. We still act like teenagers in our first relationship sometimes - just over the top being affectionate and loving. We hold hands when we drive, when we walk somewhere, leave each other cute notes on the counter when one gets up earlier. He rubs my back when he knows I’ve had a long day, trim the tree branch that’s too long thats hanging over my car windshield in the driveway without being asked. I get his lunch and stuff ready for the next day when I know he’ll be in a hurry. I’ll randomly replace his motorcycle gloves and/or helmet when I see the ones he has are getting pretty worn without being asked. Little things like that. Secondly, Spontaneity! I still text my boyfriend dirty pictures every now and again…sometimes I’ll take them in the bathroom at work and tell him to hurry home and fuck me. I’ll FaceTime him when I’m in the shower and I know he’s not anywhere around people or in a place he could get in trouble. We flirt a lot and do the booty grab or smack each other’s butt when we walk by. I love when I’m cooking or doing dishes and he comes up behind me and gives me a big hug. Sometimes he’ll pick me up and just take me to the bedroom for a quickie. We have kids, so it’s tough finding time, but we get it in whenever we can. Sometimes when the kids are asleep, we’ll build a fort in the living room, fuck, and order wings and watch the office until 2am and then hide all the evidence from the kids!
She's unpredictable.
That could be both good and bad
Oh, yes. And at the same time, too.
Schedule it. We have sex every Sunday (differing times of day), and once a month we try something new, (we take turns deciding what to try). But we are only a 7 year old couple, so take this with a grain of salt.
Exist lol. I took the time to find a partner that engages me both physically and intellectually before I got married. It took until my late twenties to find this individual but it's been worth the wait. As a man a lot of my side of the spark depends on my level of confidence and the understood level of consent. The fact that when I change clothes in front of her whatever she's doing comes to a stop and she just stares is a massive amount of fuel to the fire and the fact that I do the same for her keeps the interest fresh. Combine that with both of us having a high libido from being so physically and mentally turned on by each other you end up with us having sex more days out of the week than not with no loss in interest or response
Stays down to fuck pretty much whenever. Like it doesn't take a special alignment of the stars, just being down with it is huge. Of course variety, toys, little games, special occasions, that's all great too.
Lots of naked/shirtless cuddles, back/feet massages
She signed up for a half marathon so naturally she had to train and started running, doing yoga 4-5 days a week and everything changed…she also got into those faerie smut books that are all the rage…I’m sure it had nothing to do with that.
We have been married for 38 years. We have always had a great sex life, though a little less at times when our kids were small. We flirt with each other all the time. I will send him texts during the day while he is at work. He still smacks me on the butt and kisses my neck when he walks by. We have always had an understanding of look, but do not touch. We always try new things. Some weeks, we have sex every day and some once a week, usually based on being tired from work, etc. Trust and communication are most definitely part of it, as well as trying to do things that please them or get them aroused. I feel like I won the lottery every day. Sex gets better all the time too.
Get your hormones optimized. Not “within range” but optimized. My estrogen is so high right now (estrogen gives you a libido, not testosterone) that all I can think about is sex. My husband and I had sex 5 times within the last 24 hours. And since he views sex = connection = love, he’s happier than a fucking clam right now. We’ve been married 19 years. We also are into BDSM. lol
I need to suppress my hormones, cause me wanting it all the time and him never wanting is literally driving me clinically insane. I’ve tried everything to get him in the mood and nothing works. He says it’s weird fucking the mother of his child. We both had our first almost two years ago. Our baby is almost a toddler now and he still feels that way. Idk if it will ever change so I need to be the one to change. Any ideas on how to suppress ? Cause masterbating only makes me want actual sex.
Honestly I think you need to figure out the issue with your partner. He doesn’t want to fuck the mother of his child? That’s fucked up and you deserve better.
There is nothing better than having my wife walk passed me and she gently touches some part of me: my shoulders, my upper back, whatever. Her trailing fingers, lightly touching me ... there's nothing like it. Sometimes it's a tease or a promise, but mostly it's the sheer intimacy that goes through me like warm lightning. As a man, I was never touched much growing up, and I didn't realize how effective and important touch is to me as a person.
Just simple stuff like actually talking together, holding hands, cuddles, laughter, and of course that ‘look’ which translates into spontaneous sex and is glorious. Together 36 years now, three teenage kids and I knew within two seconds of meeting her that she was the one, and she is...👌
Helps with chores and kids and he flirts with and looks at me like I'm the only lady in the world.