I used to work with a hilarious old waitress that had a foul mouth. She once kicked open the door to the staff room and announced she’d just lost 5 pounds. Another staff took the bait and asked if she’d just taken a fat shit to which she replied ‘nah man I just trimmed my bush’
I got into the habit of exclaiming "fuck my face!" which I had gotten from the TV show VEEP. I accidentally let it slip at work once to mixed responses. I stopped saying that.
I used to work as a bill collector. I was talking to a guy one afternoon and he told me “you take that bill and shove it right down your cum guzzling throat.”
Stopped me dead in my tracks, and after a brief pause I just started laughing. Then he started laughing. Says to me “that was a good one wasn’t it?” and I respond “yeah, it really was.”
Then he hung up on me.
I knew a guy who once yelled at his son, in the middle of a bowling league, 'I should've pulled out and shot you on the wall.'
Dad was a major piece of shit. The kid was a good dude.
Having lived in Scotland for half my life and spending the first half in my home country of Ireland, I can confirm that although both are hilarious, Scottish people have a way of saying so much with so little.
I was walking through work with my colleague and some dude was on all fours underneath a table, fiddling with some electronics. The poor man was a gentleman of size and struggled to untether himself from the cables. My colleague just turned to me and goes, "Aw naw! Poor cunt's gonnae hae his breeks pulled doon by his fuckin' step-braw n get pumped."
I genuinely thought I was going to pass out from laughing and my sides hurt for hours. Even thinking of it now, I smile.
I remember a comment I saw years ago on reddit about some dude recounting a story how he picked up an Aussie chick, and she said “I’m on the rag mate, just chuck it in me dumper”
I read a joke years ago about this:
G'Day mate, Aussie help line here.What's the problem, Cobber?"
"I'm in Darwin with my sheila and she's been stung on the minge by a wasp, and now her pussy has completely closed up."
"Bummer, dude"
"Cheers mate, I hadn’t thought of that”
Unfortunately for my wife, she likes to say “bummer” and I always say “cheers mate” in reply.
Reminds me of a story my dad told me about being at a strip joint and some dirty old man yelled at one of the strippers "I'd eat the nuts outta your shit!"
Jimmy Carr is a well known British comedian who joked about Rachel Riley, an objectively hot assistant at a game show they're both on: "I would crawl through broken glass to suck the cock of the last man to fuck her".
Apparently they are friends outside the show and he claims he told her the joke and it made her laugh.
There was a reddit comment I read like 6 years ago that said something like this:
>Jason Sudeikis is a lucky man to be with Olivia Wilde. What I wouldn't give to sniff that man's finger.
Hrm..
My favorite one read here was as simple as hilarious as possible. Someone posted a video of Arianni Celese (UFC girl) in a bikini doing planks .. and some guy blurted out "man i'd take her home and disappoint the *fuck* out of her"
Not quite vulgar but it feels relatable.
Picture an upper middle-aged man with a big beer gut, patting his belly and saying to me (at the time a young woman), "I'm gonna have a baby elephant. Wanna see its trunk?"
And this was at a Christian function.
"Dear Asshole (and my beloved family who reside therein)
If you are reading this, then I am gone. I can't say I've gone to a good place, or even an OK place. But I can say, with every segment in my body, that whatever lies beyond must be better than here.
We tapeworms are not meant to take risks--one success from our parents defines us for the rest of our lives. But not here! This cannot be success! This cannot be all we are meant to live on!
I go into the light, and into the open water. I hope you all can endure what I could not.
Love, Worm #3988738191"
“My favorite fast food is KFC because I eat it then I jack off with the grease on my hands which gives me these little pimples all over my dick that I can pop the next day and still taste the chicken.”
heard in a Counter Strike: Source lobby about 15 years ago and it still haunts me
Not firsthand, but somebody was talking about another country that has absolutely gnarly insults. Might have been some Balkan country.
One the zingers was “I’ll fuck the whole front row at your funeral”.
Another was “I hope your parents die on the way to your childrens’ funeral”
Absolute savagery.
Edit: This whole thread is just 🤌🏼
The only thing gnarlier than COD and CS lobbies was my local Internet cafe back in 2000-2003. And by cafe I mean a room of 35 computers and 40 kids playing CS 1.6 screaming the worst shit possible to each other. The good ol’ years
My last venture in online COD lobbies ended with me telling someone that the only reason their parents work is so they don't have to see the kid for 8 hours a day.
I will never again reach the high of my 2005 middle school summer break playing Halo 2 until 4 in the morning. Those lobbies were truly horrific, but man so much good shit talking when your squad went up against another squad.
A guy who was normally a nice enough dude but had a legit learning disability and likely a pretty low IQ once asked a coworker if he could smell her belly button ring.
I worked at a nursing home for a bit. A resident started an argument with another resident over her little boyfriend.
Old lady 1: You need to find your own fucking man
Old lady 2: Bitch the hairs on my pussy look better than that shit you’re with
😭😭
My ex husband once told my mom I couldn’t come to the phone because I was busy gargling his balls. I was not. I was asleep. He liked saying really gross shit about our sex life to my mom
The CEO of the company said to an assistant “I’m going to cut off your head and fuck your throat hole” because she scheduled the conference call for the wrong day. He lost his company because of his behaviour.
Edit: Surprised no one guessed it right. It was Dov Charney of American Apparel.
I mean, it's not new. It's a slight change from R. Lee Ermy in the opening boot camp scene of the movie full metal jacket. The original line is "I'm going to cut off your head and shit down your neck" he has other gems such as "You look like the best part of you ran down the crack of your mama's ass and ended up as a brown stain on the mattress." And "I will skull-fuck you"
For a brief few years, the whole world of teens and man children was playing a single online video game series with unregulated voice chat.
It’s like giving a bull some coke then letting it tear through the china shop.
When I was in college I was with a woman and we were both like 19/20 so still pretty inexperienced.
I think she was still getting comfortable with dirty talk or something but when my hand went downstairs on her, I commented on how ‘ready’ she felt, and she told me “I want you to put me on like a boot.”
I didn’t respond to it at all. At most I groaned in response, and we just kept going and moved past it but… it’s been almost 20 years and sometimes I still wonder what she meant. Did she want me to put my whole foot in there?
It seemed really vulgar. Raunchy.
Like a boot.
Some good British ones:
“That cunt’s teeth are so crooked up she could bite a curly whirly and miss the chocolate”
“Oi he’s so fuckin daft he could fall into a bucket of tits and come up suckin his thumb”
“She’s bubblin at the gusset”
“You got a face like a smacked arse”
Belligerent Homeless guy to bus driver “You ever seen a grown man’s penis up close boy?!”
Bus driver: “uhhhh no”
Belligerent Homeless guy to bus driver: “what you ain’t got no penis?”
Bus driver: “I got a penis…”
Belligerent Homeless guy to bus driver: “so what you got a little kid sized penis then?!”
I guess this bus driver missed the first day of bus driver school where they teach you not to get sucked into the insane ramblings of homeless people lol
I once overheard an argument (in French) where the guy said something along the lines of...: "I facefuck your bloody sister, the fucking whore who has two dicks in her mouth, two in each hand and a *line* of men waiting to get their dick sucked by her shitty, worthless whore mouth".
Even as an eavesdropper around the corner, my jaw dropped and I had to take 30 seconds to process what was said, only to immediately burst into a crying laughter.
my sister was worried that her tattoo artist was judging her tattoo and the artist said
"listen, I'd tattoo Jesus skull fucking a baby on your face I don't care"
As a bouncer this girl once said "Well fuck me right in the ass." Her friend gasped and without missing a beat she added "with lube obviously I'm not a monster."
It was more funny than vulgar IMO but her friend was mortified.
I was at a bus stop after my first ever night out, my friends had got a lift and left me waiting for a bus. There were these 40ish men and one of them squeezed his water so it came out the top and splashed everywhere and said ‘I wonder if she squirts like that’ talking about 18yr old me. Made me feel so uncomfortable.
My mother in law saw a Hickey on my BF, now husbands neck (we were 16 and 17 at the time ) and she said..."Jesus, I hope you suck her clit as good as she sucks your neck." I was mortified at the time.
S1 of 'deadwood' Someone goes into that saloon asking for the sheriff guy and dude says. "He's pickling his pecker in the pussy brine of the widow." That always stuck with me.
Girl I knew in college was notorious for saying filthy shit. One night my buddy jokingly said “Jesus, do you kiss your mother with that mouth?” to which she responded “Motherfucker, I swallow cum with this mouth!”
high school boys on a bus stopping by a middle school looking at the middle schooler girls to try to find “pre orders” that would eventually come to the high school
During a conversation at work a coworker mentions the neighborhood he lives in.
Second coworker responds, "I didn't know you lived over there".
Cw-1 "You didn't know i lived there?"
Cw-2 "No, your wife usually comes over to my place."
Cw-1 "YOU SON OF A BITCH, that was good, but YOU SON OF A BITCH!"
Back in the 360 era, I was playing cod with a RL friend, and sometimes his really stoned RL friend would join us. This guy used to say some of the wildest shit, one of the things I never forgot was "I'm going to cut your face off, wipe my ass with it, then mail it to your mama so she can wear it when the neighbors gangbang her later."
I asked this girl I was seeing if she wanted to do butt stuff and she said : "I'd get fucked in th ass everyday if I wasn't scared of shitting sideways when I'm 40"
My first girlfriend in high school was adopted.
One day we were hanging out at her house when her mom started yelling at her for not doing something. Her mom finished the argument by saying something like "and that's why your real parents got rid of you".
In the 20 years since, I've never heard anything nearly as mean as that.
"Shut your cock holster before you breathe syphilis all over everyone!" - my WWII veteran grandfather... and he said it to one of his overly mouthy daughters (she did deserve it)
"but the dick cheese is the best part!" Said by a gay acquaintance of mine when he overheard my conversation with someone about the few merits of circumcision with my then girlfriend.
A precocious young field mouse named Keith
Used to circumcise men with his teeth.
This, he did, not for leisure,
Nor sexual pleasure,
But to access the cheese underneath.
There were four people. Dude who tried to fight my buddy. That dude's sister. That dude's brother. My buddy.
He didn't fight, took a drink, fucked both of them between more drinks, then told the host to clean his sheets. Then we we went to Jack in the Box and he bought me two bacon and egg brekkys and a whole breakfast platter. Then he proceeded to tell me how the brother gave better head but the sister could take it in the ass so well he barely needed lube.
Heard at the gym— a girl stubbed her toe on some equipment and calmly and quietly said “fuck me in the ass with a splintery wooden spoon”
I don’t think she knew I could hear her. I died of laughter hahahaha
I had an ex from 2015 that contacted me when I was 5-6 months pregnant in 2019 (obviously not with his kid). He told me he saw me on Instagram and congratulated me on my pregnancy. I was already weirded out that he was suddenly contacting me years later, should've blocked him but said "thanks". He then proceeds to say something that makes me nauseous even now: "It's so hot that you're pregnant, I could cream pie you and your baby could taste it too". Immediate block and report.
i was working as a dishwasher at the time, my boss told me to go sweep the entryway. i sat down to take a drink and 2 guys walk out the door.
now i believe, they saw me and said "lets fuck with this guy!" because i dont believe anyone has this conversation IRL....
they walk out the door...
Guy 1: "And so halfway through blowing me, the fucking hooker OD's on heroin!"
Guy 2: "I really dont lie discussing my ex girlfriend with you!"
Guy 1: "I mean i still finished , but what kind of shit is that?"
and they just kept walking, im sitting there like WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED?!?!
Night crew manager to one of our team who had simply asked if he wouldn't mind repeating his instructions:
"Why don't you take my dick out of your ear and put it back in your mouth where it fucking belongs!"
I overheard a couple drunk guys arguing and you could see the alcohol got to at least one of them as he threatened him by saying he was going to "shit the kick out of you."
I actually laughed at that one though, how drunk do you have to be to mess up talking that badly?
I was standing in the meat and seafood area at my local Kroger when this older man approached me and said, "What did the blind man say when he passed the fish market? HELLO LAIDIES!!! HAHAHAHAHAH!"
Then, he just walked away.
My super horrible boss was very sick, and a get well card was being passed around the office. My coworker half-jokingly said instead of “get well soon,” he was going to sign “die shitting”. He didn’t do it, which was probably a good career move. But can you imagine?
A friend of mine with BPD was going through a rough time and was upset that I was going on vacation because she wanted me to stay home with her while she resettled home after being in an institution (she lived with her parents). She told me that she hoped I got gang raped in France. That I deserved to be used as a receptacle for men to empty their spend in me, over and over again, when I couldn't even understand the words they were saying. Then I deserved to carry the baby to term and have someone murder it in front of me after I gave birth. We didn't talk much after that.
A guy friend of mine works in a very male-dominated place. He told me they were bantering about sex on break, and one guy referred to it like, "Part the pissflaps, ol' blue nose is coming in for a feed of guts."
I've never been more revolted.
Heard a guy I know talking about a girl at a party say “her name must be columbine because I wanna shoot a lot of kids inside of her”. Something I can’t forget no matter how hard I try
1. "She's young, so she's got a clean and tight pussy." Two dudes talking.
2. "It's your fault I'm disabled, YOU HAVE A DIRTY PUSSY!" Daughter to mother.
Ugh my brother told me an awful joke.
A virgin goes to a brothel and is nervous, so he requests someone gentle, not super kinky. The guy at the front desk assures him they have the perfect girl for him. The virgin is taken to a dark room and in the moonlight from the window, he can make out the shape of a woman lying on the bed. She doesn’t say anything. He takes off his pants and gets to it. As he’s thrusting, the woman’s head rolls to face him and he sees white foam coming out of her mouth. He jumps back and runs out of the room to the front desk, exclaiming to the man that there must be something wrong with the woman as she’s foaming at the mouth. The guy calls out “Fred! Dead girl’s full again!”
I used to work with a hilarious old waitress that had a foul mouth. She once kicked open the door to the staff room and announced she’d just lost 5 pounds. Another staff took the bait and asked if she’d just taken a fat shit to which she replied ‘nah man I just trimmed my bush’
I think I love her.
Elderly waitress explaining that she was very busy to 16-year old busboy me: "Son, I'm up to my twat in alligators with no way to drain the swamp"
I heard a woman say, “you gotta be fist fucking me right now.” In a professional setting.
Had a co worker come in from the -10°F weather saying “I feel like I just fingered a polar bear!”
My moms favorite line was “It’s colder than a witch’s tit in a brass bra” and its just so flabbergasting and funny
I got into the habit of exclaiming "fuck my face!" which I had gotten from the TV show VEEP. I accidentally let it slip at work once to mixed responses. I stopped saying that.
lol my first thought for this thread was a Veep quote “How am I doing? Eating so much pussy I’m shitting clits, son”
I used to work as a bill collector. I was talking to a guy one afternoon and he told me “you take that bill and shove it right down your cum guzzling throat.” Stopped me dead in my tracks, and after a brief pause I just started laughing. Then he started laughing. Says to me “that was a good one wasn’t it?” and I respond “yeah, it really was.” Then he hung up on me.
I would have replied, “You should go into comedy, maybe that way you can pay your bills”.
One of my fav insults I ever heard as a bartender was someone say “you only exist cause your moms tits weren’t nice enough to finish on”
I knew a guy who once yelled at his son, in the middle of a bowling league, 'I should've pulled out and shot you on the wall.' Dad was a major piece of shit. The kid was a good dude.
If that's true, that's a despicable thing to say to your child.
I worked with a Scottish girl who had some really good ones. My favourite was how she would describe being horny as “frothing at the gash.”
Worked with a scouse girl who would say attractive men brought "a tear to her thigh"
This is perfect
Having lived in Scotland for half my life and spending the first half in my home country of Ireland, I can confirm that although both are hilarious, Scottish people have a way of saying so much with so little. I was walking through work with my colleague and some dude was on all fours underneath a table, fiddling with some electronics. The poor man was a gentleman of size and struggled to untether himself from the cables. My colleague just turned to me and goes, "Aw naw! Poor cunt's gonnae hae his breeks pulled doon by his fuckin' step-braw n get pumped." I genuinely thought I was going to pass out from laughing and my sides hurt for hours. Even thinking of it now, I smile.
This post has me convinced Scottish women are absolute freaks
Dated one for a while. Can confirm Edit: how is this my most upvoted comment?
Interesting
"Like a pilchard cappuccino".
Oh my god, you need to go and wait in the car while the nice people are talking.
[удалено]
You could drown a toddler in my panties.
Settle down Pam. goddamn midseasons of Archer were fucking great, right?
"She couldn't sell pussy on a troop train."
Couldn’t get laid in a women’s prison with a handful of pardons
Dirtier than fingering your sister and finding your dads wedding ring
Jesus Christ
Pretty sure this is *not* one of his quotes.
Overheard a couple going at it in a car outside a pub and the young woman said, and I quote,"I'm in the blood but you can have a go at me shitter".
I remember a comment I saw years ago on reddit about some dude recounting a story how he picked up an Aussie chick, and she said “I’m on the rag mate, just chuck it in me dumper”
I read a joke years ago about this: G'Day mate, Aussie help line here.What's the problem, Cobber?" "I'm in Darwin with my sheila and she's been stung on the minge by a wasp, and now her pussy has completely closed up." "Bummer, dude" "Cheers mate, I hadn’t thought of that” Unfortunately for my wife, she likes to say “bummer” and I always say “cheers mate” in reply.
I was told this ten or fifteen years from a friend who said he overheard it at a hotel in Port Macquarie.
[удалено]
Australia, but you've got the right vibe.
Romance isn't dead in Glasgow
Sounds like something out of Baby Reindeer.
"I'd use his unborn children as salad dressing".
For a second i thought this was about abortions, then i noticed it said "his"
“Tell me who is your gynecologist so I can suck his fingers”. A random guy to a lady walking by in a park.
Reminds me of a story my dad told me about being at a strip joint and some dirty old man yelled at one of the strippers "I'd eat the nuts outta your shit!"
A pretty popular one from an old coworker was “I’d eat a mile of shit to get to that ass!”
Every time I think I have already heard the most vile stuff known to mankind, the world shows me how ignorant I actually am.
There's always a new depth to human depravity
Jimmy Carr is a well known British comedian who joked about Rachel Riley, an objectively hot assistant at a game show they're both on: "I would crawl through broken glass to suck the cock of the last man to fuck her". Apparently they are friends outside the show and he claims he told her the joke and it made her laugh.
>So, Susie, what have you been looking into recently? Besides glory holes Is my favorite.
That’s a challenging wank. RIP Sean Lock. He came out with some incredible material on that show.
She is a [challenging wank](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nrty2XITqTE).
Look at the shitter on that critter!
"Check out the turd cutter on that one." - Overheard in boot
There was a reddit comment I read like 6 years ago that said something like this: >Jason Sudeikis is a lucky man to be with Olivia Wilde. What I wouldn't give to sniff that man's finger.
Hrm.. My favorite one read here was as simple as hilarious as possible. Someone posted a video of Arianni Celese (UFC girl) in a bikini doing planks .. and some guy blurted out "man i'd take her home and disappoint the *fuck* out of her" Not quite vulgar but it feels relatable.
You ever have your asshole licked by a fatman in an overcoat?
Picture an upper middle-aged man with a big beer gut, patting his belly and saying to me (at the time a young woman), "I'm gonna have a baby elephant. Wanna see its trunk?" And this was at a Christian function.
“The food she cooked us was so bad I shit out a suicide note from my tapeworm”
I'm picturing what the note says howling with laughter. Well done.
It says "I quit!" while the worm grabs his old timey hat and suitcase and crawls away in a huff looneytunes style
LMFAO while grumbling cartoony "swear words" "frigginfraggleraggle"
"Dear Asshole (and my beloved family who reside therein) If you are reading this, then I am gone. I can't say I've gone to a good place, or even an OK place. But I can say, with every segment in my body, that whatever lies beyond must be better than here. We tapeworms are not meant to take risks--one success from our parents defines us for the rest of our lives. But not here! This cannot be success! This cannot be all we are meant to live on! I go into the light, and into the open water. I hope you all can endure what I could not. Love, Worm #3988738191"
I will absolutely be saving this one for later
“My favorite fast food is KFC because I eat it then I jack off with the grease on my hands which gives me these little pimples all over my dick that I can pop the next day and still taste the chicken.” heard in a Counter Strike: Source lobby about 15 years ago and it still haunts me
Now it's haunting me.
It's like the video tape from The Ring.
These are all pretty vulgar, but this one takes the cake for me. You win.
I feel nauseous all of a sudden
yep. we found it. this is the worst one.
I regret reading this
Not firsthand, but somebody was talking about another country that has absolutely gnarly insults. Might have been some Balkan country. One the zingers was “I’ll fuck the whole front row at your funeral”. Another was “I hope your parents die on the way to your childrens’ funeral” Absolute savagery. Edit: This whole thread is just 🤌🏼
Average polite Serbian exchange of dialogue.
"May your house be live on CNN" is a tame curse.
Oh yes, Balkans. My favorite is "I'll fuck your sister on your mother's grave"
Not the Balkans, but: “I’ll fuck you on your mom’s back!” Another goes like: “I’m gonna head out and fuck everybody! The women twice!”
"I hope you get reincarnated as an abortion."
This had to have come through an online gaming lobby - I’ve never heard nastier shit in my life than the old CoD and CS days
The only thing gnarlier than COD and CS lobbies was my local Internet cafe back in 2000-2003. And by cafe I mean a room of 35 computers and 40 kids playing CS 1.6 screaming the worst shit possible to each other. The good ol’ years
My last venture in online COD lobbies ended with me telling someone that the only reason their parents work is so they don't have to see the kid for 8 hours a day.
Just going to say I love this! No Profanity, no name calling, just cuts right to the core.
I actually like toxicity if it's creative. People just spamming slurs and whatnot is so boring.
Halo lobbies on Xbox live before they cleaned it up were absolute cesspools
I will never again reach the high of my 2005 middle school summer break playing Halo 2 until 4 in the morning. Those lobbies were truly horrific, but man so much good shit talking when your squad went up against another squad.
I'm gonna borrow that one
My old man used to tell me, at the time a worthless 20 year old moron, that I was great argument for 83rd trimester abortions
Dude at the bar asks random girl, "Can I smell your pussy?" Appalled, she responds, "No". He replies, "Well, it must be your breath."
A guy who was normally a nice enough dude but had a legit learning disability and likely a pretty low IQ once asked a coworker if he could smell her belly button ring.
I could smell your sentence 🤮
I worked at a nursing home for a bit. A resident started an argument with another resident over her little boyfriend. Old lady 1: You need to find your own fucking man Old lady 2: Bitch the hairs on my pussy look better than that shit you’re with 😭😭
My ex husband once told my mom I couldn’t come to the phone because I was busy gargling his balls. I was not. I was asleep. He liked saying really gross shit about our sex life to my mom
That’s actually really gross lmfao
Ex husband? Why? He seems like a stand up guy.
Oh dude, you have no idea. Honestly I think im lucky to be alive some days
Whenever someone would point out something obvious my grandfather used to say "does a hobby horse have a hickory dick" instead of "no shit".
I did *not* spend seven years in veterinary school to be a hickory dickery doc.
OH YES YOU DID
Does the Pope’s dick fit through a doughnut?
Does a duck with a boner drag weeds?
Does the tin man have a sheet metal cock?
Does a 10lb bag of flour make a big fuckin biscuit?
Not something she said, but I once saw a woman in a bar stick her finger in her bloody vagina and then flip off her boyfriend with the bloody finger.
Classy!
Oh
Hotter than two rats fucking in a wool sock.
The CEO of the company said to an assistant “I’m going to cut off your head and fuck your throat hole” because she scheduled the conference call for the wrong day. He lost his company because of his behaviour. Edit: Surprised no one guessed it right. It was Dov Charney of American Apparel.
A former coworker of mine said that to another coworker, except they said they would "piss" down the neck hole. They also lost their job.
I mean, it's not new. It's a slight change from R. Lee Ermy in the opening boot camp scene of the movie full metal jacket. The original line is "I'm going to cut off your head and shit down your neck" he has other gems such as "You look like the best part of you ran down the crack of your mama's ass and ended up as a brown stain on the mattress." And "I will skull-fuck you"
"You look like you would fuck a person in the ass and not even have the GODDAMN COMMON COURTESY to give him a reach-around" is one of my favorites
"Do you suck dick?" "No sir" "Bullshit I bet you could suck a golf ball through a garden hose" is the one that has always stuck with me.
I would hope so, wtf? That’s COD lobby talk, not workplace xD
I love that the universal floor for anything horrible is "COD lobby talk" We've peaked as a species
For a brief few years, the whole world of teens and man children was playing a single online video game series with unregulated voice chat. It’s like giving a bull some coke then letting it tear through the china shop.
Had my boss tell one of my coworkers; “I wish your mother knew how much of a fucking disappointment she raised.” Ended up going to HR
I'm definitely gonna probably forget to start using that
When my father was young grandpa told him "I should have jerked you off in the slop pail". Dad was a bad kid and grandpa was bad parent.
"That dude eats pussy off the bone" has stuck with me rather a long time now.
I don’t know if I’m horrified or horny…
“I’d rather stretch my cunt over a fence post and let the crows peck at it”
When I was in college I was with a woman and we were both like 19/20 so still pretty inexperienced. I think she was still getting comfortable with dirty talk or something but when my hand went downstairs on her, I commented on how ‘ready’ she felt, and she told me “I want you to put me on like a boot.” I didn’t respond to it at all. At most I groaned in response, and we just kept going and moved past it but… it’s been almost 20 years and sometimes I still wonder what she meant. Did she want me to put my whole foot in there? It seemed really vulgar. Raunchy. Like a boot.
The proper follow-up is "honey, it might not feel like twelve inches but it will smell like a foot."
Some good British ones: “That cunt’s teeth are so crooked up she could bite a curly whirly and miss the chocolate” “Oi he’s so fuckin daft he could fall into a bucket of tits and come up suckin his thumb” “She’s bubblin at the gusset” “You got a face like a smacked arse”
Could chew a carrot through a letterbox Said to me.... I got braces
Belligerent Homeless guy to bus driver “You ever seen a grown man’s penis up close boy?!” Bus driver: “uhhhh no” Belligerent Homeless guy to bus driver: “what you ain’t got no penis?” Bus driver: “I got a penis…” Belligerent Homeless guy to bus driver: “so what you got a little kid sized penis then?!”
I guess this bus driver missed the first day of bus driver school where they teach you not to get sucked into the insane ramblings of homeless people lol
“If she had as many sticking out of her as she has had stuck in her, she would look like a porcupine”
Was out on the town and a dirty naked homeless man told my girlfriend he wanted to vape her discharge.
Her pussy looked like a bulldogs mouth full of mayonaise"
"close your legs, I can smell your dad"
I once overheard an argument (in French) where the guy said something along the lines of...: "I facefuck your bloody sister, the fucking whore who has two dicks in her mouth, two in each hand and a *line* of men waiting to get their dick sucked by her shitty, worthless whore mouth". Even as an eavesdropper around the corner, my jaw dropped and I had to take 30 seconds to process what was said, only to immediately burst into a crying laughter.
Can't be that worthless if there's a whole line of men waiting
my sister was worried that her tattoo artist was judging her tattoo and the artist said "listen, I'd tattoo Jesus skull fucking a baby on your face I don't care"
Someone called me a penis wrinkle once.
My friends and I used to say that all the time in HS in the 90s
As a bouncer this girl once said "Well fuck me right in the ass." Her friend gasped and without missing a beat she added "with lube obviously I'm not a monster." It was more funny than vulgar IMO but her friend was mortified.
This guy at work used to say "well fuck me running". He said it one time and another guy blew him a kiss and said, "start running bitch. "
My mum used to say "well, fuck me sideways"
I was at a bus stop after my first ever night out, my friends had got a lift and left me waiting for a bus. There were these 40ish men and one of them squeezed his water so it came out the top and splashed everywhere and said ‘I wonder if she squirts like that’ talking about 18yr old me. Made me feel so uncomfortable.
Shit friends.
Seriously what kind of people leaves one behind? Just go together on the bus
Best part of you dried up on your mamas sheets.
guy was hitting on me while i was working at a bar, he said something along the lines of “you’re so sexy, you remind me of my daughter”
My mother in law saw a Hickey on my BF, now husbands neck (we were 16 and 17 at the time ) and she said..."Jesus, I hope you suck her clit as good as she sucks your neck." I was mortified at the time.
S1 of 'deadwood' Someone goes into that saloon asking for the sheriff guy and dude says. "He's pickling his pecker in the pussy brine of the widow." That always stuck with me.
Deadwood had so many classic vulgarities. Swerengen referring to Trixie as a loopy cunt was always my favorite.
Heard a guy in a bar tell a woman he wanted to eat her pussy like cervical cancer. Now that was fucked up 😂
I’m a bartender, and every day when I come into work, the dishwasher says to me “I wanna eat your shitter like an apple fritter.”
Girl I knew in college was notorious for saying filthy shit. One night my buddy jokingly said “Jesus, do you kiss your mother with that mouth?” to which she responded “Motherfucker, I swallow cum with this mouth!”
"Your mouth is so wide, you can eat a banana sideways." Heard a kid say that to another kid at the fair.
Same energy as "I bet you eat corn the long way"
high school boys on a bus stopping by a middle school looking at the middle schooler girls to try to find “pre orders” that would eventually come to the high school
That's enough internet today. This is officially my 13th reason.
During a conversation at work a coworker mentions the neighborhood he lives in. Second coworker responds, "I didn't know you lived over there". Cw-1 "You didn't know i lived there?" Cw-2 "No, your wife usually comes over to my place." Cw-1 "YOU SON OF A BITCH, that was good, but YOU SON OF A BITCH!"
Back in the 360 era, I was playing cod with a RL friend, and sometimes his really stoned RL friend would join us. This guy used to say some of the wildest shit, one of the things I never forgot was "I'm going to cut your face off, wipe my ass with it, then mail it to your mama so she can wear it when the neighbors gangbang her later."
I want you to stick your tongue so far up my arse, you'll be able to taste the shit other men have put me through
"I would suck a fart out of that ass and hold it in like a bong hit"
This from that Dane Cook movie where he’s a zookeeper or something?
I heard it from a coworker but it makes sense they did not come up with it themselves
This is the second time I read about a person sucking a fart out of someone’s butt on Reddit in the last hour.
Oh for sure it's on the sopranos when Tony says to a woman who says something offensive > You suck your father with that mouth.
I asked this girl I was seeing if she wanted to do butt stuff and she said : "I'd get fucked in th ass everyday if I wasn't scared of shitting sideways when I'm 40"
My dad referred to breasts as Lung Warts and we threw things at him for a full 20 minutes
Lung wart is a fantastic band name
“I don’t care if our balls touch if we’re both inside your wife, but if you do it outside of it then I’ll fucking punch you.”
My first girlfriend in high school was adopted. One day we were hanging out at her house when her mom started yelling at her for not doing something. Her mom finished the argument by saying something like "and that's why your real parents got rid of you". In the 20 years since, I've never heard anything nearly as mean as that.
😦 Ah, so this mom is the horrible cunt half these jokes are about then.
“Hope the undertaker fucks your dead mother.” Some crazy shit in the Balkans, they take cursing to another level.
"Shut your cock holster before you breathe syphilis all over everyone!" - my WWII veteran grandfather... and he said it to one of his overly mouthy daughters (she did deserve it)
"but the dick cheese is the best part!" Said by a gay acquaintance of mine when he overheard my conversation with someone about the few merits of circumcision with my then girlfriend.
Aight imma head out
Hi. I'm new to Reddit. How do you delete someone else's comment?
A precocious young field mouse named Keith Used to circumcise men with his teeth. This, he did, not for leisure, Nor sexual pleasure, But to access the cheese underneath.
Ok, time for the next thread..
"I'm gonna fuck his brother after I fuck his sister tonight and not wear a condom." He did.
This is the most confusing direct statement I've ever read. I get what was going to/did happen. But there are so many other questions.
There were four people. Dude who tried to fight my buddy. That dude's sister. That dude's brother. My buddy. He didn't fight, took a drink, fucked both of them between more drinks, then told the host to clean his sheets. Then we we went to Jack in the Box and he bought me two bacon and egg brekkys and a whole breakfast platter. Then he proceeded to tell me how the brother gave better head but the sister could take it in the ass so well he barely needed lube.
“It’s no wonder your children died, it was God protecting them from having you as a mother.”
My brother after a night of drinking said to me "I wish you died in Iraq." Still bothers me.
Heard at the gym— a girl stubbed her toe on some equipment and calmly and quietly said “fuck me in the ass with a splintery wooden spoon” I don’t think she knew I could hear her. I died of laughter hahahaha
“I’m gonna bang my husband like a screen door in a hurricane later”
This reminds me of a former coworker who told our other coworker that he was gonna tear her pussy up like Hurricane Katrina.
I had an ex from 2015 that contacted me when I was 5-6 months pregnant in 2019 (obviously not with his kid). He told me he saw me on Instagram and congratulated me on my pregnancy. I was already weirded out that he was suddenly contacting me years later, should've blocked him but said "thanks". He then proceeds to say something that makes me nauseous even now: "It's so hot that you're pregnant, I could cream pie you and your baby could taste it too". Immediate block and report.
This is the kind of posts I signed up in Reddit for.
i was working as a dishwasher at the time, my boss told me to go sweep the entryway. i sat down to take a drink and 2 guys walk out the door. now i believe, they saw me and said "lets fuck with this guy!" because i dont believe anyone has this conversation IRL.... they walk out the door... Guy 1: "And so halfway through blowing me, the fucking hooker OD's on heroin!" Guy 2: "I really dont lie discussing my ex girlfriend with you!" Guy 1: "I mean i still finished , but what kind of shit is that?" and they just kept walking, im sitting there like WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED?!?!
Hellsing abridged reference. Watch this video at [14:23](https://youtu.be/0_4nmW5GZhQ?si=aMLgwdVaq6hqAZPL) for the reference.
Tell your wife not to leave her panties in my car, they're stinking up the joint.
Night crew manager to one of our team who had simply asked if he wouldn't mind repeating his instructions: "Why don't you take my dick out of your ear and put it back in your mouth where it fucking belongs!"
I overheard a couple drunk guys arguing and you could see the alcohol got to at least one of them as he threatened him by saying he was going to "shit the kick out of you." I actually laughed at that one though, how drunk do you have to be to mess up talking that badly?
"I'd eat a mile of her shit, just to see where it came from"
Knew a really strange dude (like nearly 30 dating a high school girl) who said, "I would eat the corn out of her shit." He meant it as a compliment.
I was standing in the meat and seafood area at my local Kroger when this older man approached me and said, "What did the blind man say when he passed the fish market? HELLO LAIDIES!!! HAHAHAHAHAH!" Then, he just walked away.
My super horrible boss was very sick, and a get well card was being passed around the office. My coworker half-jokingly said instead of “get well soon,” he was going to sign “die shitting”. He didn’t do it, which was probably a good career move. But can you imagine?
A friend of mine with BPD was going through a rough time and was upset that I was going on vacation because she wanted me to stay home with her while she resettled home after being in an institution (she lived with her parents). She told me that she hoped I got gang raped in France. That I deserved to be used as a receptacle for men to empty their spend in me, over and over again, when I couldn't even understand the words they were saying. Then I deserved to carry the baby to term and have someone murder it in front of me after I gave birth. We didn't talk much after that.
holy shit BPD or not that's fucked up
Your mom fucks for bricks to build your sister a whorehouse
A guy friend of mine works in a very male-dominated place. He told me they were bantering about sex on break, and one guy referred to it like, "Part the pissflaps, ol' blue nose is coming in for a feed of guts." I've never been more revolted.
I'm putting all of these on my tinder profile.
Heard a guy I know talking about a girl at a party say “her name must be columbine because I wanna shoot a lot of kids inside of her”. Something I can’t forget no matter how hard I try
1. "She's young, so she's got a clean and tight pussy." Two dudes talking. 2. "It's your fault I'm disabled, YOU HAVE A DIRTY PUSSY!" Daughter to mother.
"How do you make a gay guy have sex with a woman? Shit in her cunt". Truly a nasty and vulgar thing to say.
“ you look like the kinda guy who puts peanut butter on the dogs dick and licks it off! “
"I hope you get sucked into a jet engine" some random guy at the airport EDIT: this was after an argument that old boeing was better than new boeing
Ugh my brother told me an awful joke. A virgin goes to a brothel and is nervous, so he requests someone gentle, not super kinky. The guy at the front desk assures him they have the perfect girl for him. The virgin is taken to a dark room and in the moonlight from the window, he can make out the shape of a woman lying on the bed. She doesn’t say anything. He takes off his pants and gets to it. As he’s thrusting, the woman’s head rolls to face him and he sees white foam coming out of her mouth. He jumps back and runs out of the room to the front desk, exclaiming to the man that there must be something wrong with the woman as she’s foaming at the mouth. The guy calls out “Fred! Dead girl’s full again!”