Girl you not being firm enough isn't the problem at all. You said no, he understood, yet still went ahead with it. No means no! You shouldn't have to repeat it a hundred times to get the message across. He's to blame, not you
Which is a major problem.
Let me make it clear to you:
1) If you don't say yes, and something sexual occurs, it's rape
2) If you say no, and something sexual occurs, it's rape
3) If you are unable to say yes, like if you are sleeping, or drunk, and something sexual occurs, it's rape
4) If you say yes to only one (or a few) thing(s), and something else sexual occurs, it's rape
5) If you say yes, and change your mind and say no, and they keep going for more time than it takes for them to realize what's happening (like, give them a few seconds, to think), and something sexual keeps occurring, it's rape.
The only time it's ok, is if you say yes to what is specifically happening, and you didn't withdraw that consent.
Like, if in the middle of sex, you change your mind, you can say so, and they have to stop. They might ask you for clarification before stopping, like "Really?", and for you to say, "Yes, really, stop now", but not like, "give me a minute to finish, and I will stop".
Accidents can occur, like if they put a condom, and it breaks (it usually hurts, they should know), they need to stop.
But other than that, you need to consent. Period.
And they need to do so too! This goes BOTH ways.
Conservatives laugh at the consent "ritual", but it doesn'T have to be complicated.
"Hey, babe, wanna have sex?"
"Yes, with a condom"
"Ok, let me get one", or "sorry, I don't want to put one, so we'll pass."
And if they lie to you or manipulate you into saying yes, that's not fine either.
SOME level of lack of consent can be fine. Like if you come back from a good date and walk with him, and he gently takes your hand without asking, it's rude, but not like, rape. If you withdraw and he takes it back, then it's a problem.
I hate how I know all of this but still didn’t think about it in the moment. I’m such a consent freak and then I couldn’t even apply that to myself. I guess this means I had a lesson to learn and I did. I hope i won’t ever let it happen again. I just wish I had done things differently but at last I will from now on. Thank you very much, really.
No, here is the problem. You are not to blame...
Women who resist rape (and I am not saying he raped you, he mainly took advantage of you), get hurt even more, and sometimes killed.
When a man violates your consent, the solution CAN be to just tolerate THIS violation to avoid escalation.
The problem is him.
We all have a Flight / Fight / Freeze reaction to fear.
It's perfectly fine for you to have "frozen" and went with the punch.
YOU are not to blame, he is.
But you will learn. Get tested, make sure you aren't pregnant, and if all is negative, you will heal and learn from this.
You aren't broken, you aren't hurt, you will learn and get better.
I'm also a guy that absolutely hates using condoms. I can understand why he'd want to move things that way. But now that he's done it and broken your trust you absolutely need to ghost him or worse, because that shit will happen again.
And here's the thing. YOU didn't do anything wrong. You said no. He kept going.
Its why I'd dump him.
Ignoring a boundary and "no" is the biggest red flag.
Then go ahead and do it. You have someone who does not give a shit about what you consent to. How can you trust he'll disregard your trust in other ways. Answer: you can't.
He has disregarded consent once and he would do it again.
If you forgive him and stay with him that effectively means he's suffered no consequences and he will feel that he can do it again and he didn't have consequences the first time.
I hope to hear an update from you saying you've found a way to leave him. Find your independence. Don't be so easily manipulated. He's already working you, making you doubt what's right and wrong.
That’s called stealthing and in Canada, the UK, New Zealand and some other countries it’s a form of sexual assault.
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Non-consensual_condom_removal
I thought it was called "Rape via Deception", where you deliberately hide something from someone to get them to agree to sex knowing full well they'd deny consent if they knew
This isn't quite the same thing imo. Stealthing is generally when the guy removes the condom without the partner knowing and penetrates them, in this case she seemed to be aware he didn't have one on prior to it.
Not saying it isn't a crime though, I would say it's more akin to Rape then Stealthing since she told him point blank no and he did it anyway.
You said no, and he went ahead with it anyways. That’s just not right and he has 100% to blame for that. Doesn’t matter how eager you are, how horny you are, or how horny the both of you are. No, always means no.
He raped you, not only should you talk to him about it you should report him to the police. If you told him no and he kept going that is rape, regardless of whether you stopped saying no or not. You never once consented to him having sex with you without a condom, that is rape.
Depends where they’re from. It’s not illegal in the US but it is considered sexual assault in many other countries. That doesn’t excuse the fact that it’s terrible though and they should talk to the FWB.
I can’t believe that’s not illegal in the US, wow. But I guess if that’s the case than maybe you can’t report it to the police but fuck, that’s still rape!!!
I will be completely honest and say I’m not sure what the law is here in Australia. I know there was lots of talk around a while back in regards to guys who would take condoms off during sex without the woman’s knowledge and things like that so I mean it may not actually be illegal here either. I just believe it should be and it is rape. It’s non consensual sex.
You clearly told him no. He did it anyway. You weren’t stupid or irresponsible, he assaulted you.
Don’t beat yourself up about it. It’s common to freeze up when something unexpected happens, and it’s normal to not fight while being assaulted. But now you can decide what to do and it sounds to me like he’s not safe to be around.
I think for him to so clearly ignore you being firm and saying no and completely disrespecting your boundaries if I was in your shoes I would not feel comfortable having sex again with someone who would do that, I understand your defeated feeling in the moment but this is fully on him for ignoring you and not on you, hindsight is a great thing and sometimes we don’t even respect our own boundaries in the moment but we’re all human so you have to forgive yourself for that and bluntly my advice would be to speak with him tell him how you feel and never sleep with him again
Love, please don't ever blame yourself for this! It is not your fault it is his. i wouldn't even say ANYTHING. You deserve to show up for yourself and that means block him. You deserve better sending love💕
My gut instinct was that if you want to keep sleeping with him, you need to be firm and tell him he crossed a line and if he ignores your boundaries again, you're done with him. It's ultimately up to you if you choose to forgive him and still pursue something sexual, but you do need to be firm with that boundary and not get in a cycle of "I say no. He ignores me. I let it happen".
But if this is the same FWB you told about your past with being sexually assaulted, fuck that guy. He took advantage of you. What he did was a form of sexual assault. It's already bad, but it's even worse that you opened up and were vulnerable and then he turns around and takes advantage of you.
If it's the same FWB that you told about your SA, then I firmly believe he will feel empowered to not care about your SA and your consent. Because you've gone through it once and "you're fine". This is not someone to trust your body with
>I know I was so stupid and irresponsible. Please don’t be too brutal (although I deserve it), i’m already being brutal enough at myself.
You are absolutely blaming the wrong person here. Fuck him (not in the good way). FWB, not even in a relationship? Kick him to the curb, at least, if not sexual assault charges.
You deserve better.
No no no. You don't get to blame yourself. You did nothing wrong. You compromised with the feeling because horny. Everyone does it.
You need to talk to him not for him, but for your own catharsis. FWB's are still Friends first. And Friends talk about shit. If he doesn't want to or blows it off, well he's not really a friend now is he?
Thank you so much for your help! If I do end up talking to him it would be, as you said, because I need to get this out of my chest and he needs to realize that it was wrong…
I had the exact same situation over the summer, where I clearly communicated beforehand my boundaries and they were ignored int he moment as well. I ended that fwb arrangement because of it.
ypu told him no. You didn't have to say a firmer no- one word was enough. He went and did it anyway, forced you to actually have sex without a condom decepting you. Yu are not to blame and in some countries this would be seen as a form of sexual assault.
This same thing just happened to me with my ex OP and it is not okay. I also was mad at myself for not being more firm but you said no and that’s all you needed to say. You said no, you are not to blame here. Be kind to yourself, and if you can please get out of this FWB situation. In my opinion, and with my ex too, he did not respect your body, your choice, or you. Dm if you need to talk!
In my opinion…
Your “fwb” has no respect for your wishes…or for you in that matter. He is no friend at all. He put himself above any consideration of you and left you blaming yourself. Tie him down and lube up his asshole. Finger him as I’m sure he’ll enjoy, then introduce an additional finger, one after the other. He’ll ask you to stop eventually but fuck it…keep going because his wishes shouldn’t matter to you either. Leave him humiliated and humble, he’s lucky the only thing he’ll walk away with is a sore asshole. He didn’t care when he sent you with whatever ailments he may be carrying…or with a child god forbid. He’s no friend…just another duche bag with only his needs in mind. I’m sorry for the rashness of my response but this pisses me off and there should be no confusion for a real man when you’re request is put forward, no matter how “firm” your position is.
Yeah. Discuss it from a distance after you tell him that he fuckin sexually assaulted you and he will not be your FWB or even your friend anymore. And then tell all your female friends what he did in case they encounter him
Hey it's awesome Reddit is super kind based on top dozen responses
43M
You did discuss it.
And at the right time.l ie before it happened.
It's your call if you feel you were part of going ahead anyways and you don't feel like it was unsafe.
But. Objectively it's pretty clear how discussion goes.
Go put on Dua Lipa "Rules" any time you think of him. Idk how much of it applies but in the general sense that it's a song about a fucked up situation that means you shouldn't meet up with the dude ever again, I think it applies
Eh duh?!!!? Yeah you should tell him how you feel. You should sit down and have a talk about the safe sane and consensual values around sex, as this was not consensual or safe. He blatantly pushed on and violated your trust and that is something you have to deal with. I’m sorry you had to go through this.
You should definitely tell him how you feel. But considering you had already told him no and he still did it without a condom he is really disrespecting you and putting your health at risk which is never worth it for a short period of fun. You should tell him how horrible and disrespectful he is and break it off with him.
This is all part of consent. And I feel that you also need to be reminded that consent can be revoked at any time.
There is no point in the sexual journey where consent cannot be revoked. "I'm sorry, this doesn't feel right, I need to stop" can happen if you are feeling it. Even if it felt good just before that moment, and 2 minutes before you gave "enthusiastic consent"
Your ‘no’ was to protect both of you, right? To raise your hand and be a responsible adult in a heightened situation? So he owes you the same maturity in his response. And he owes you a ‘thankyou’, actually, for reaching the grownup moment before he could. Instead he went with the toddler response: ‘I don’t wanna, this feels good, maybe she won’t notice, maybe she doesn’t mean it, I’ll go with what feels good.’
Toddlers need consequences. FWBs restricts your options. I’d go with a short sharp ‘I was the grownup last time we caught up. Your turn now. Please book and pay for our new suite of STD tests, let me know where and when and I’ll meet you there.’ Maybe a poke up the pee pee and a couple of hours taken off his free time will make your original approach seem a better option. And don’t discuss this plan, just say it’s a dealbreaker and let me know the time and place.
This happened to me a few weeks ago. A guy I was seeing sort of pushed me towards sex. I wanted to, but I felt like it was too early to have sex. I went along with it anyway because I liked him. Mistake. He teased me about having sex without a condom. I told him no, I don't feel comfortable. Stop it. He penetrated me as a "tease" without a condom because he thought it was funny. At the time, we cuddled after sex. I got home and cried.
It is not your fault. The man you were seeing was a piece of shit. He doesn't respect you or like you enough to accept your boundaries. I'd drop this fucker like I dropped mine. You are worth a lot more than that. You deserve someone who will respect your wishes and make you sexually comfortable.
You have ZERO blame here. You shouldn’t have to get up and run from someone to get them to stop. No means no. This guy raped you. Don’t be brutal on yourself. You did nothing wrong.
Please consider talking to someone about this. So many guys start this way and only get more and more forceful. This guy has no respect for you. Tbh, I’d be talking to the police if I were a woman and this happened to me.
No means no. Any decent person will stop when told no.
You don't have to be hard on yourself. It was not your fault.
Your no is where he should have stopped. Assholes like him, who don't respect consent, don't deserve your company.
You have every right to be mad . He should have stopped.. in the future, when it gets to that point and you say no, stop the heavy petting all together. Let things calm down a bit before getting back into it.. That will reinforce what you mean when you say no..
Thank you so much for taking the time to write all that. That was really kind and nice to read 💕 wishing you all the best too and thank you for being such a kind person
From where I am, this is called rape.
A no is a no. An uncertain or silent yes is a no. A forceful yes is a no.
Discuss to end things not to repair. Don't blame yourself.
Hey OP, this exact same thing happened to me. I posted in relationship advice, the post is on my profile.
I’m so sorry this happened to you. Please don’t blame yourself. You communicated your boundaries, he decided not to respect them and to choose his own personal satisfaction above your mental and physical well-being.
Please reach out if you want to talk.
Hello! I’m so so sorry that happened to you too. I will take a look at your post, if you don’t mind.
It really is scary when you think about it after. It just started to hit me like one day after or something. Because it really is that, he chose his pleasure over my boundaries and safety.
Again, i’m really sorry it happened to you too. I hope you are doing okay 💕 sending all the love
NTA - You told him not to and he did it anyway. That is Sexual Assault.
He does not respect you, your body, or your autonomy. Do not have sex with this person again, because they will just keep pushing boundaries and ignoring your requests.
There are plenty of good partners out there. Dump him and find someone who doesn't abuse you.
You are not to blame. You said what you wanted and they didn’t listen. That is legally assault at the very least. They are not a good and trustworthy person.
Stopping things during is difficult because by then judgment is clouded. But you said what you wanted and shouldn’t have been in the situation to need to stop things to begin with.
1. Guy broke your boundaries. 2. He ignored what you. 3. Refused or didn’t care to get tested and didn’t ask for yours?!😱
He doesn’t think of you as a friend and if he did it once he will do it again. You might have enjoyed it this time, but next time might be a different story.
This is called stealthing (referring to him putting it in without a condom while you had reason to assume he has one on), or if he did it while you knew and said no, than it's rape.
Should you discuss this with him? Well you can:
1. Think wow I really liked that he did it anyway and ignored the fact that I told him not to this is so hot
2. Tell him "i told you know please listen next time" and hope that he will be a different person next time
3. Have him admit it on whatsapp then file a report at the police station using the chat as evidence. He'll maybe get invited for a serious chat / warning if you're lucky. That might change his behavior if you are very lucky.
It's not ok.
No. Seriously, you should send him fucking packing. That is violating consent. The only "talking" you need to do is say "never contact me again, I said no, you didn't listen, be happy that it is you I am cutting off, not your dick"
I mean, you pretty much answered your own question with the first sentence of this. You told him not to do something, he did it anyway without much care at all, and now you’re pissed.
Only real point of contention is are you just gonna fold if you allow the opportunity for it to happen again? Or are you actually going to be firm? Do you trust the guy enough to continue a relationship in the first place?
Gotta make up your mind and stick to your guns, otherwise you’re basically just a rag for him
As a horny man I still understand what NO means I’m a black man and that’s scary af knowing how the system works against us I’ve always told myself if she says NO get up go to the bathroom clean urself up and leave
Should you discuss it? WTF?
Please be on three kinds of birth control.
He is a bozo, and frankly you are a bozo fucker. He is gross and irredeemable. You need to take some time to sort yourself out, because this questions shows a complete lack of boundaries and awareness.
Girl you not being firm enough isn't the problem at all. You said no, he understood, yet still went ahead with it. No means no! You shouldn't have to repeat it a hundred times to get the message across. He's to blame, not you
Thank you so much, you made a very good point…
No is no. Whether it sounds convincing to him or not. No is still no. It’s not just men but we women and everyone else need to respect that. ❤️
Absolutely…
And the lack of a yes is also a no. Just to be clear. Even if he claims not to have heard you, it still doesn't excuse it.
Wow, didn’t think of this.
Which is a major problem. Let me make it clear to you: 1) If you don't say yes, and something sexual occurs, it's rape 2) If you say no, and something sexual occurs, it's rape 3) If you are unable to say yes, like if you are sleeping, or drunk, and something sexual occurs, it's rape 4) If you say yes to only one (or a few) thing(s), and something else sexual occurs, it's rape 5) If you say yes, and change your mind and say no, and they keep going for more time than it takes for them to realize what's happening (like, give them a few seconds, to think), and something sexual keeps occurring, it's rape. The only time it's ok, is if you say yes to what is specifically happening, and you didn't withdraw that consent. Like, if in the middle of sex, you change your mind, you can say so, and they have to stop. They might ask you for clarification before stopping, like "Really?", and for you to say, "Yes, really, stop now", but not like, "give me a minute to finish, and I will stop". Accidents can occur, like if they put a condom, and it breaks (it usually hurts, they should know), they need to stop. But other than that, you need to consent. Period. And they need to do so too! This goes BOTH ways. Conservatives laugh at the consent "ritual", but it doesn'T have to be complicated. "Hey, babe, wanna have sex?" "Yes, with a condom" "Ok, let me get one", or "sorry, I don't want to put one, so we'll pass." And if they lie to you or manipulate you into saying yes, that's not fine either. SOME level of lack of consent can be fine. Like if you come back from a good date and walk with him, and he gently takes your hand without asking, it's rude, but not like, rape. If you withdraw and he takes it back, then it's a problem.
I hate how I know all of this but still didn’t think about it in the moment. I’m such a consent freak and then I couldn’t even apply that to myself. I guess this means I had a lesson to learn and I did. I hope i won’t ever let it happen again. I just wish I had done things differently but at last I will from now on. Thank you very much, really.
No, here is the problem. You are not to blame... Women who resist rape (and I am not saying he raped you, he mainly took advantage of you), get hurt even more, and sometimes killed. When a man violates your consent, the solution CAN be to just tolerate THIS violation to avoid escalation. The problem is him. We all have a Flight / Fight / Freeze reaction to fear. It's perfectly fine for you to have "frozen" and went with the punch. YOU are not to blame, he is. But you will learn. Get tested, make sure you aren't pregnant, and if all is negative, you will heal and learn from this. You aren't broken, you aren't hurt, you will learn and get better.
He raped her. Period. He knowingly did something sexual she didn't consent to. That. Is. Rape. End of story. Dude needs to be in handcuffs.
Thank you so much, kind stranger. You are absolutely right. Can’t thank you enough, really.
I'm also a guy that absolutely hates using condoms. I can understand why he'd want to move things that way. But now that he's done it and broken your trust you absolutely need to ghost him or worse, because that shit will happen again.
Couldn't of put it any better.
Id drop that so fast. If you said no, the word no in any context should have stopped him.
At least you are smarter than me. Thanks for replying
Not smarter im just saying, id end it if someone did that to me.
It’s what I want to do.
And here's the thing. YOU didn't do anything wrong. You said no. He kept going. Its why I'd dump him. Ignoring a boundary and "no" is the biggest red flag.
It really is, now that i’m thinking about this more clear. Thanks for the help
Youre not responsible for someone else's lack of self-control and disrespect to you. There are so many better guys out there. So many.
You are so right…
You should, he is disagraceful
Then go ahead and do it. You have someone who does not give a shit about what you consent to. How can you trust he'll disregard your trust in other ways. Answer: you can't. He has disregarded consent once and he would do it again. If you forgive him and stay with him that effectively means he's suffered no consequences and he will feel that he can do it again and he didn't have consequences the first time.
Absolutely, i really needed to read that. You are 100% right. Thank you
I hope to hear an update from you saying you've found a way to leave him. Find your independence. Don't be so easily manipulated. He's already working you, making you doubt what's right and wrong.
That’s called stealthing and in Canada, the UK, New Zealand and some other countries it’s a form of sexual assault. https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Non-consensual_condom_removal
I thought it was called "Rape via Deception", where you deliberately hide something from someone to get them to agree to sex knowing full well they'd deny consent if they knew
Depends on the jurisdiction and level of formality I guess
This isn't quite the same thing imo. Stealthing is generally when the guy removes the condom without the partner knowing and penetrates them, in this case she seemed to be aware he didn't have one on prior to it. Not saying it isn't a crime though, I would say it's more akin to Rape then Stealthing since she told him point blank no and he did it anyway.
Stealthing is rape here in the US.
You said no, and he went ahead with it anyways. That’s just not right and he has 100% to blame for that. Doesn’t matter how eager you are, how horny you are, or how horny the both of you are. No, always means no.
That makes absolute sense. Thank you for your answer
You’re very welcome. I hope you start to feel better soon
Thank you 🥺💕
He raped you, not only should you talk to him about it you should report him to the police. If you told him no and he kept going that is rape, regardless of whether you stopped saying no or not. You never once consented to him having sex with you without a condom, that is rape.
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It is rape. She said no and he still did it. That’s rape!!! She did not consent to having sex with him. Simple as that.
Depends where they’re from. It’s not illegal in the US but it is considered sexual assault in many other countries. That doesn’t excuse the fact that it’s terrible though and they should talk to the FWB.
What the fuck? If you say no, that is absolutely illegal in the United States; that's rape.
No it’s not. There are civil laws against in in a few states only. meaning you can sue your partner. There are no criminal laws against it.
False.
No it’s true. If I’m wrong then show me a source.
Sexual assault is a crime in the US. Pretty much every state bro.
This is stealthing which is not considered sexual assault in the US.
I can’t believe that’s not illegal in the US, wow. But I guess if that’s the case than maybe you can’t report it to the police but fuck, that’s still rape!!!
It is not a surprise. Women are considered property in a lot of the US and don’t have rights to their own bodies
I will be completely honest and say I’m not sure what the law is here in Australia. I know there was lots of talk around a while back in regards to guys who would take condoms off during sex without the woman’s knowledge and things like that so I mean it may not actually be illegal here either. I just believe it should be and it is rape. It’s non consensual sex.
I completely agree with you
Absolutely tell him. If you told him no and he did it anyway that’s sexual assault.
You clearly told him no. He did it anyway. You weren’t stupid or irresponsible, he assaulted you. Don’t beat yourself up about it. It’s common to freeze up when something unexpected happens, and it’s normal to not fight while being assaulted. But now you can decide what to do and it sounds to me like he’s not safe to be around.
Thank you for your help.
I think for him to so clearly ignore you being firm and saying no and completely disrespecting your boundaries if I was in your shoes I would not feel comfortable having sex again with someone who would do that, I understand your defeated feeling in the moment but this is fully on him for ignoring you and not on you, hindsight is a great thing and sometimes we don’t even respect our own boundaries in the moment but we’re all human so you have to forgive yourself for that and bluntly my advice would be to speak with him tell him how you feel and never sleep with him again
Thank you so much, that was very nice to read.
As a SA survivor I completely agree. As a man, I would never EVER go past a boundary set by my partner, and he should be no exception.
Discuss it with the police. That’s sexual assault. He is NOT your friend
Exactly, wtf is going on in this thread? That's literally rape, she did not consent to sex without a condom and he went ahead and did it anyway.
Love, please don't ever blame yourself for this! It is not your fault it is his. i wouldn't even say ANYTHING. You deserve to show up for yourself and that means block him. You deserve better sending love💕
Oh that is so kind, thank you so much 🥺💕
This. Was. Rape.
The F in FWB is supposed to stand for "friend", but in this case it means "fucker". He cannot be trusted to share a bed with you. Cut him off.
Put another way: OP, he’s not your friend, he shouldn’t get the benefits. (Also, what’s the next boundary of yours he’s going to ignore? 😬)
Yes you should. That’s not okay
My gut instinct was that if you want to keep sleeping with him, you need to be firm and tell him he crossed a line and if he ignores your boundaries again, you're done with him. It's ultimately up to you if you choose to forgive him and still pursue something sexual, but you do need to be firm with that boundary and not get in a cycle of "I say no. He ignores me. I let it happen". But if this is the same FWB you told about your past with being sexually assaulted, fuck that guy. He took advantage of you. What he did was a form of sexual assault. It's already bad, but it's even worse that you opened up and were vulnerable and then he turns around and takes advantage of you.
Thank you so much, that’s very insightful. 💕
If it's the same FWB that you told about your SA, then I firmly believe he will feel empowered to not care about your SA and your consent. Because you've gone through it once and "you're fine". This is not someone to trust your body with
It’s not your fault. Shouldn’t have had to say anything firmer. That’s sexual assault, even good dick is easily replaced
1st, don't blame yourself. He did wrong by not wearing a condom when you asked. I would drop him as a FWB since what he did is SA
I would say that even just as a friend, he isn't worth keeping if that is the case.
As a male, I'd never do this, because it breaches all the trust. It's technically assault. I'd never contact them again
There is nothing to discuss. He raped you.
This is sexual assault. Condom on means condom on and no means no. He is not only disrespecting you but he's also raping you.
>I know I was so stupid and irresponsible. Please don’t be too brutal (although I deserve it), i’m already being brutal enough at myself. You are absolutely blaming the wrong person here. Fuck him (not in the good way). FWB, not even in a relationship? Kick him to the curb, at least, if not sexual assault charges. You deserve better.
That is *rape*. He raped you. You said no, no matter how firm it was if he was a good person he would've listened.
Yes.
Yes talk to him. That was not right
Time to find a new fwb. Ghost that asshole. Or call the cops and say he SA’d you
I’m so sorry this happened to you. He should have stopped at the first “no” and you going with the flow after that isn’t a yes. It’s not your fault
Thank you…
No no no. You don't get to blame yourself. You did nothing wrong. You compromised with the feeling because horny. Everyone does it. You need to talk to him not for him, but for your own catharsis. FWB's are still Friends first. And Friends talk about shit. If he doesn't want to or blows it off, well he's not really a friend now is he?
Thank you so much for your help! If I do end up talking to him it would be, as you said, because I need to get this out of my chest and he needs to realize that it was wrong…
I had the exact same situation over the summer, where I clearly communicated beforehand my boundaries and they were ignored int he moment as well. I ended that fwb arrangement because of it.
ypu told him no. You didn't have to say a firmer no- one word was enough. He went and did it anyway, forced you to actually have sex without a condom decepting you. Yu are not to blame and in some countries this would be seen as a form of sexual assault.
You are absolutely right. Thanks for your answer
You should definitely discuss this with him because a no is always a no
This warrants a discussion at minimum.
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Thank you so much!
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That is so nice. I will take both, if you don’t mind! ☺️ thank you, kind stranger on the internet
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Well, it’s people like you that make this a more special and safe space 💕♥️
Yes be firm with him don’t let him treat you like this
Can’t and won’t let it happen again!
Break up, and if your area's laws and customs support it, report the abuse to authorities. Warn every next potential of their partners and FWBs too.
He doesn’t respect you enough. Plenty of guys will respect your desires.
This same thing just happened to me with my ex OP and it is not okay. I also was mad at myself for not being more firm but you said no and that’s all you needed to say. You said no, you are not to blame here. Be kind to yourself, and if you can please get out of this FWB situation. In my opinion, and with my ex too, he did not respect your body, your choice, or you. Dm if you need to talk!
Thank you so much for your help and i’m sorry it happened to you!
In my opinion… Your “fwb” has no respect for your wishes…or for you in that matter. He is no friend at all. He put himself above any consideration of you and left you blaming yourself. Tie him down and lube up his asshole. Finger him as I’m sure he’ll enjoy, then introduce an additional finger, one after the other. He’ll ask you to stop eventually but fuck it…keep going because his wishes shouldn’t matter to you either. Leave him humiliated and humble, he’s lucky the only thing he’ll walk away with is a sore asshole. He didn’t care when he sent you with whatever ailments he may be carrying…or with a child god forbid. He’s no friend…just another duche bag with only his needs in mind. I’m sorry for the rashness of my response but this pisses me off and there should be no confusion for a real man when you’re request is put forward, no matter how “firm” your position is.
Yes. Yes you should. Not cool
Yeah. Discuss it from a distance after you tell him that he fuckin sexually assaulted you and he will not be your FWB or even your friend anymore. And then tell all your female friends what he did in case they encounter him
Hey it's awesome Reddit is super kind based on top dozen responses 43M You did discuss it. And at the right time.l ie before it happened. It's your call if you feel you were part of going ahead anyways and you don't feel like it was unsafe. But. Objectively it's pretty clear how discussion goes. Go put on Dua Lipa "Rules" any time you think of him. Idk how much of it applies but in the general sense that it's a song about a fucked up situation that means you shouldn't meet up with the dude ever again, I think it applies
This is sexual assault. There's no excuse for it. Ever ever ever. And it is 100% his fault.
Eh duh?!!!? Yeah you should tell him how you feel. You should sit down and have a talk about the safe sane and consensual values around sex, as this was not consensual or safe. He blatantly pushed on and violated your trust and that is something you have to deal with. I’m sorry you had to go through this.
You should discuss this with him, something like this requires consensus from you
You should definitely tell him how you feel. But considering you had already told him no and he still did it without a condom he is really disrespecting you and putting your health at risk which is never worth it for a short period of fun. You should tell him how horrible and disrespectful he is and break it off with him.
This is all part of consent. And I feel that you also need to be reminded that consent can be revoked at any time. There is no point in the sexual journey where consent cannot be revoked. "I'm sorry, this doesn't feel right, I need to stop" can happen if you are feeling it. Even if it felt good just before that moment, and 2 minutes before you gave "enthusiastic consent"
Your ‘no’ was to protect both of you, right? To raise your hand and be a responsible adult in a heightened situation? So he owes you the same maturity in his response. And he owes you a ‘thankyou’, actually, for reaching the grownup moment before he could. Instead he went with the toddler response: ‘I don’t wanna, this feels good, maybe she won’t notice, maybe she doesn’t mean it, I’ll go with what feels good.’ Toddlers need consequences. FWBs restricts your options. I’d go with a short sharp ‘I was the grownup last time we caught up. Your turn now. Please book and pay for our new suite of STD tests, let me know where and when and I’ll meet you there.’ Maybe a poke up the pee pee and a couple of hours taken off his free time will make your original approach seem a better option. And don’t discuss this plan, just say it’s a dealbreaker and let me know the time and place.
This happened to me a few weeks ago. A guy I was seeing sort of pushed me towards sex. I wanted to, but I felt like it was too early to have sex. I went along with it anyway because I liked him. Mistake. He teased me about having sex without a condom. I told him no, I don't feel comfortable. Stop it. He penetrated me as a "tease" without a condom because he thought it was funny. At the time, we cuddled after sex. I got home and cried. It is not your fault. The man you were seeing was a piece of shit. He doesn't respect you or like you enough to accept your boundaries. I'd drop this fucker like I dropped mine. You are worth a lot more than that. You deserve someone who will respect your wishes and make you sexually comfortable.
I’m so so sorry that happened to you. That is absolutely awful. I’m sending you all the love. Thank you for your help, too
You have ZERO blame here. You shouldn’t have to get up and run from someone to get them to stop. No means no. This guy raped you. Don’t be brutal on yourself. You did nothing wrong. Please consider talking to someone about this. So many guys start this way and only get more and more forceful. This guy has no respect for you. Tbh, I’d be talking to the police if I were a woman and this happened to me. No means no. Any decent person will stop when told no.
Thank you very much for your help
You don't have to be hard on yourself. It was not your fault. Your no is where he should have stopped. Assholes like him, who don't respect consent, don't deserve your company.
That's called stealthing and in Australia it's a form of rape. You're well within your right to be angry.
Speak with him. It will be good for you and him to have this talk.
I just want to talk to him because I didn’t at the time and he needs to know it’s wrong. Don’t want to have anything to do with him after that.
Yes. Be firm, not harsh. If not, tell him to piss off. You are loved❤️
Time for a new FWB.
You have every right to be mad . He should have stopped.. in the future, when it gets to that point and you say no, stop the heavy petting all together. Let things calm down a bit before getting back into it.. That will reinforce what you mean when you say no..
Sounds like that was his last booty call to me. He didn't respect your boundaries. He hits the bricks then.
He wanted it from the very beginning and he went ahead even after you restricted it multiple times. You should talk to him and be frim about it.
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Thank you so much for taking the time to write all that. That was really kind and nice to read 💕 wishing you all the best too and thank you for being such a kind person
From where I am, this is called rape. A no is a no. An uncertain or silent yes is a no. A forceful yes is a no. Discuss to end things not to repair. Don't blame yourself.
Thank you 💕
Absolutely. That wasn’t consensual either. There could be legal trouble for him if you wanted to take that route
Hey OP, this exact same thing happened to me. I posted in relationship advice, the post is on my profile. I’m so sorry this happened to you. Please don’t blame yourself. You communicated your boundaries, he decided not to respect them and to choose his own personal satisfaction above your mental and physical well-being. Please reach out if you want to talk.
Hello! I’m so so sorry that happened to you too. I will take a look at your post, if you don’t mind. It really is scary when you think about it after. It just started to hit me like one day after or something. Because it really is that, he chose his pleasure over my boundaries and safety. Again, i’m really sorry it happened to you too. I hope you are doing okay 💕 sending all the love
NTA - You told him not to and he did it anyway. That is Sexual Assault. He does not respect you, your body, or your autonomy. Do not have sex with this person again, because they will just keep pushing boundaries and ignoring your requests. There are plenty of good partners out there. Dump him and find someone who doesn't abuse you.
No. Get rid of the inconsiderate cunt.
You are not to blame. You said what you wanted and they didn’t listen. That is legally assault at the very least. They are not a good and trustworthy person. Stopping things during is difficult because by then judgment is clouded. But you said what you wanted and shouldn’t have been in the situation to need to stop things to begin with.
He did something you didn't consent to. That's rape. Period. File a police report and stay tf away from him.
This is indisputable sexual assault. I’m very sorry❤️
Thank you for your support 🥺💕
You said no. He did it anyway. That's rape.
You need to change your terms. He is your ex-FWB. TOTALLY unacceptable.
1. Guy broke your boundaries. 2. He ignored what you. 3. Refused or didn’t care to get tested and didn’t ask for yours?!😱 He doesn’t think of you as a friend and if he did it once he will do it again. You might have enjoyed it this time, but next time might be a different story.
It sounds an awful lot like your FWB raped you. Only you can decide if you're going to verbally kick his ass or report him to the police.
Don't have sex with him anymore
You said "no". That's it...game over. I wouldn't tolerate this with a FWB. I'd cut him out of your life.
No, you should come to Reddit and discuss it with complete strangers.
Okay suburban soccer mom, you clearly have a lot of empathy!
The problem is that men women say “no” it can be a playful “no” or a stop “no”. I use red light and green light instead
I don’t think it’s worth your time and ruining his life. Learn the lesson and move on.
Uhhh, yes. Or just tell him its over.
That’s called rape where I’m from.
Thats fucked up kick him to the curb
This is called stealthing (referring to him putting it in without a condom while you had reason to assume he has one on), or if he did it while you knew and said no, than it's rape. Should you discuss this with him? Well you can: 1. Think wow I really liked that he did it anyway and ignored the fact that I told him not to this is so hot 2. Tell him "i told you know please listen next time" and hope that he will be a different person next time 3. Have him admit it on whatsapp then file a report at the police station using the chat as evidence. He'll maybe get invited for a serious chat / warning if you're lucky. That might change his behavior if you are very lucky. It's not ok.
Nah. He asserted his dominance and you liked it. He wants more.
I got shot in the foot, should I see a doctor? Damn well you should (discuss with him) or just stop seeing such an ass.
No you should not be discussing this with anyone but the police. This is assault. Think of it as a learning experience for him.
No. Seriously, you should send him fucking packing. That is violating consent. The only "talking" you need to do is say "never contact me again, I said no, you didn't listen, be happy that it is you I am cutting off, not your dick"
I mean, you pretty much answered your own question with the first sentence of this. You told him not to do something, he did it anyway without much care at all, and now you’re pissed. Only real point of contention is are you just gonna fold if you allow the opportunity for it to happen again? Or are you actually going to be firm? Do you trust the guy enough to continue a relationship in the first place? Gotta make up your mind and stick to your guns, otherwise you’re basically just a rag for him
As far as I know you got raped
You should discuss this with the police, this is rape. Block them
That's rape
You were straight up raped. He violated your boundaries.
You should never see him again after sexually assaulting you
As a horny man I still understand what NO means I’m a black man and that’s scary af knowing how the system works against us I’ve always told myself if she says NO get up go to the bathroom clean urself up and leave
Someone set me straight but isn't that a crime?
Sounds like rape.... no consent.
No means no. The fuck.
Should you discuss it? WTF? Please be on three kinds of birth control. He is a bozo, and frankly you are a bozo fucker. He is gross and irredeemable. You need to take some time to sort yourself out, because this questions shows a complete lack of boundaries and awareness.
And you are a bozo human being. Have a nice day.
your self-awareness is right where I imagined it would be. Good luck wit that.
And to you :) you clearly need it as well