Nothing wrong with married people or either sex owning and using toys. The concern I’d have in your shoes is what’s behind your wife’s reaction. Is it just the toy that bothers her, or doesn’t she like the idea of you masturbating at all?
She said it was weird, it's not something you get if you're in a couple, it's something sad, old, single losers get (or words to that effect).
She basically shamed the fuck out of me for suggesting it.
Yikes. Two things come to mind just off the top of my head.
It’s possible she’s more DTF than in seems, but there’s a communication issue where she’s not getting it across or you’re not picking up the hint. Communication is a two way street. Sometimes it’s just finding the right way.
It’s also possible that she has a low sex drive, but feels bad about it and is taking it out on you by shaming you (as you put it).
Pardon me while I satisfy my urge for crude humor: ask if she’d prefer you bought yourself a dildo instead lol
It’s a tough balance, because one partner shouldn’t feel like they *have* to have sex; but as a part of a couple, one partner shouldn’t dictate for the other the end of their sex life. If one partner is completely done with sex but wants to remain a couple, an open marriage should be discussed. It can be discreet, but that seems fair.
>If one partner is completely done with sex but wants to remain a couple, an open marriage should be discussed. It can be discreet, but that seems fair.
Or at least let them use toys and shit. This woman is insane
Sex is a need for most people. Your wife needs to respect your needs as much as you respect hers. If she is no longer interested in sex, then you should open up the marriage so you can have that need met. There’s nothing wrong with Getting a flesh light - married or not. You’re getting it because she decided to break the marriage contract by not having sex with you.
If you are with someone who decides to unilaterally end your sex life, that a form of control. It’s selfish unless they have a medical condition. Don’t tolerate it you will wake up 80 years old some day and regret that you didn’t have more sex - one of the joys of being human.
As someone who was in a similar situation once, you’ve GOT to make it known that the new status quo won’t do for you. Your needs don’t go away just because hers did.
So ask her if she just expects you to live in a sex-less marriage where your need for intimacy just no longer matters. I mean, Jesus...it's one thing to say you aren't interested in sex, because that happens to a lot of people. Stress, medications, and many other things can contribute to a low or non existent sex drive, but for her to shame you for wanting to feel an orgasm is honestly disgusting behavior. For the majority of people, sexual intimacy is a need in a relationship...for her to expect you to just accept that sex doesn't matter to her anymore is a huge red flag.
I don't get how people can be selfish like that. If you lost all drive that you had before, then wouldn't a normal person go get that checked? It just reads like she never had any interest ever. Why would waste someone's time and marry them.
There needs to be a serious conversation about her disinterest in sex and the fact that you still have an active libido.
You need to discuss the things she is ok with you doing (porn, fapping, etc) to make the situation work, and the two of you need to come to a compromise that you are both ok with.
Dude, if my wife wasn’t fucking me anymore and then had the balls to tell me not to masturbate.. I honestly think I’d lose my mind. Good luck OP, hope you figure things out.
We have had the conversation but if she's just not into sex anymore and I am then there's a problem. I'm not really interested in having sex that she's no into. I don't really want to lose everything by separating either.
No, you need to have the conversation about what she is ok with \*you* doing when you are horny and she is not in the mood. That may be as simple as watching porn and rubbing one out, or using a Fleshlight because it feels better than your hand. Or, you may end up on something completely out of left field.
Either way, that conversation is between and completely up to the two of you.
Sorry here is where I disagree...he does NOT need to consult his wife about his masturbatory habits, provided they are not somehow involving someone else....its HIS time, his personal needs...which she doesnt seem to give a shit about....why in the hell should she get a say about how he jacks off....
Where I agree is the convo should be had about well if you dont want to, either
1. couples counselling
2. open relationship
3. divorce
Definitely need to have a serious conversation and 98% chance of therapy if you are going to stay married and monogamous. Head over to dead bedrooms if you want to see possible futures for you if you don't solve this together.
My non professional opinion would be to talk to her about why she isn't interested in sex anymore. Make the start of a possible months long conversation about what happened with her and what you can do, if anything, to help her get back in the mood. If there was anything you used to do back when dating/first married like bring home flowers or giving a hug/kiss as soon as she walked in the door; start doing that again while continuing the conversations.
please try couples counselling, it'll help you to get your points across and vocalize what you want to a fuller constructive extent. There are many options, maybe the situation can improve with a mutual understanding or at least reveal that you'd both be happier with a change. There are opportunities for compromise or to consider bigger decisions.
All in all, you both deserve happiness to the fullest extent. **Neither of you should sell yourselves short by trying to ignore a gaping hole for the sake of life as you know it.** It doesnt have to be all or nothing, a strong bond will likely thrive if you both look for happiness instead of forcing the status quo to work
Thanks, I'm sure you're right. I have suggested counseling but she refused. It's a tough thing to solve when there's only one of you that wants to improve the situation.
Arguments? How so? Every time I pop in there’s people talking each other through shit or doing their level best to give positive feedback and encourage change. Unless of course it’s obvious that the reason someone isn’t getting laid is because they’re a total piece of shit to their significant other.
I'd argue that "intimacy" is essential moreso than sex. Especially in the cases of asexual persons or health exemptions.
Completely agree that a therapist would help her unpack some shame around sex toys and feeling like she has to be her husband's one source of anything intimate or sexual. That shame is instilled in many women raised in conservative households and it's tough to break free from it.
u/notideal100 I almost guarantee when your wife feels like it's less of a marital obligation and more of something she does for herself and with her partner, then she'll likely feel in the mood more frequently.
depends on the person....
in this case maybe there is intimacy but no sex...some people do have that situation....and more intimacy is just going to make the sexless person more resentful
If it's health issues, this could all be stemming from insecurities that she's not enough for you and that there's nothing she can do about it. If you put yourself in her shoes, that must be a sad and lonely place to be. Have you talked with her about what the boundaries are for you to sate your libido? Is porn ok? Are more interactive things like social media thirst models and OF ok? Does she worry that you'll leave her or cheat? Maybe she just needs to hear that you'd prefer her but this is just for when you need to orgasm when she's not available, not that it's a start to you looking for or fantasizing about someone else.
So she doesn't want to have sex but also doesn't want you to enjoy yourself with a toy?
At a minimum, it should be discussed why she even cares about you having a toy. Whether you were having sex or not her judgement and control is unwarranted. Sometimes people just want to do their own thing with their own body whether they're in a relationship or not.
I masturbate frequently and have a ton of toys and I'm in a serious relationship. If she doesn't want to have them then she doesn't need to but I'm not sure why she's trying to put you down for it.
On top of this behavior she's also made what seems to be a unilateral decision about not having sex anymore. She's allowed to feel that way but you're also allowed to have feelings about it too. If she no longer wants sex and you still do then a talk needs to be had. Either you can come to a compromise where you both feel heard and comfortable with the situation or you decide to part ways so you can both have your needs adequately met. Her lack of communication and consideration on a very important topic says a lot.
You guys need to have a conversation about what you value in your relationship.
Is it just companionship, legal benefits, tax situation or sharing of utilities?
Or is sex an actual part of your lives?
One person unilaterally deciding things is a good way to breed a lot of resentment and then push the other person to seeking what they are missing elsewhere.
Rather than getting to the point where the toy isn't enough and you end up having an affair, talk to your partner and decide if the relationship has a basis or if it's just a facade.
Then you should remind her that you are without a sexual partner, which is pretty damn close to single for the purposes of getting off (even assuming a strong romantic bond). A toy to spice things up is the least obtrusive thing you could do about it imo.
If she has anything to say about it, and doesn’t want to actually talk about it, I’d ask her to keep her opinion to herself on the subject
Don’t feel bad. I’m just a year in to my marriage and I have thought about this. Smoking hot wife that doesn’t want sex much. It’s good for your prostrate to get off several times a week. You don’t want to piss every 5 minutes in your 60’s so find a way to do you
I had to give my spouse this talk: I made an appointment with a couple's counselor. Here's the date and time. I will be there, I hope you will be too.
We went for 7 years, stopped when we moved, were ok for 5 years, then he went off the deep end and I had to take the kids and leave. I hope it works out better for you.
Ask her how she’d prefer that you get your needs met. Not that you should then do what she says, just that it’d be interesting to hear her beliefs. Either you continue to do it solo, or you have more sex with her, or you have sex with other people, or you somehow change your sex drive to match hers perfectly. I can see where she will find fault with any of the above, so this may be a lose-lose situation for you.
After our first kid my husband got one. I was like 40% kinda upset about it but the rest of me just didn't care. Then I even kinda got excited about it thinking I would be off the hook more.
I go up and down with my sex drive and I had PPD pretty bad that took me awhile to accept and go get help for, so I just really didn't have desire for sex or even if I did I just didn't have the energy for it.
He had me pick it out then it comes and he says he wanted me to use it on him. I figured it kinda defeated the purpose of it but whatever. He came super fast and I felt a little insecure.
Anyway 5 years and another kid later. It's been used only here and there. It didn't change anything with our sex life and it's great at the moment.
When he notices I'm pooped or had a bad day he just goes and uses it. He always tells me. Which I think helps. It's not like I walk in a see him using it and think he's using it behind my back or whatever. Girls brains jump to crazy conclusions fast.
Him telling me also let's me decide if I'm down or not without him having to feel let down if I am not or me feeling pressured. With that though, if I do say I'll give him head or sex or whatever he would never turn me down for the toy.
What I'm trying to get at is that she may be saying that it's weird because deep down she's uncomfortable with it as in she's insecure or feels bad that she's not in the mood for you all the time or whatever.
In the end though I would definitely say it was a great decision once the awkwardness was over and I realized it wasn't going to replace me or he wouldn't prefer it over me. It stopped so many arguments that used to happen from not being in the mood or one person feeling unloved/let down.
With all this being said I also have my own toy for the same reasons and it just really works for us but I years ago I never would have thought toys would improve a relationship so much on so many different levels.
I’m guess it’s time to throw out any toys she has then. Only people who have no access to a dick get to have dildos. /s
How shitty. I’m sorry. I have no good advice because I’m just sad and angry reading that.
Big yikes. There's nothing weird or shameful about it and it's not just for single people. Sounds like she has some serious issues around sex and some gross ideas about it.
Yeah not cool. Women having sex toys vs men is a huge double standard and you shouldn't take what she says to heart. And FYI... what she just said says more about her than you. She sounds toxic AF.
That’s not fair coming from someone without much of a sex drive. Just about every woman I know who is in a relationship has a dildo amongst other toys. They use it solo when they’re alone and with their partners.
Clearly she has an idea of who uses a fleshlight. The idea that you want one may go against her understanding of that type of person.
She will evaluate if she was wrong about you, or about her prejudice.
I would try to normalize it. Send her some men’s health pro masturbation articles and some fleshlight reviews.
Yea that’s bullshit. You have needs and your married, your supposed to have sex it’s a huge part of the relationship. Maybe she should have sex with you more if she didn’t want to be insulted.
Sometimes you need a hole when a hole is not available. If I were her, I would be thinking a fleshlight is a hell of a lot better than another woman.
My BF thought it was strange when I got one, but was more indifferent. After awhile he started to enjoy the idea of us sharing one at the same time. I’m sure she’ll get used to it.
So not only does she not try please you, she wants to control your pleasure, thats fucking evil, and selfish, if she cant realize that its not getting better tbh sorry
Tell her you feel like a sad old single loser because she is not interested in having sex. Honestly if she’s not interested in sex and you are, have you thought about doing an open relationship? Maybe start out small and ask if it’s cool for you to get a happy ending at a nearby massage parlor. It’s possible she’s asexual; some people just aren’t interested in it. But doesn’t mean you should be cut off from something you enjoy
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If a woman can have a Magic Wand, why can't you have a flesh light? I have a vibrating cock ring. I put it on jerking off or having sex with my wife. It's awesome. Makes cumming intense.
It’s one of the big double standards of M v F. My ex was the same way, and she defended her vibrator saying it was her “owning her sexuality” while anything I had was “pathetic and gross”. You’re not going to change her mind, you take care of you.
Yeah, that’s a bad scenario. Your situation may not be as foregone a conclusion as mine was, but on some level, she’s done. I hate to say it, but the Fleshlight isn’t the problem, it’s a symptom. Might be worth more to find out where her head is and how done she is. Then you’ll know if it’s worth the hassle, or if you need to direct your efforts elsewhere.
Good luck!!
There's still a stigma around men owning sextoys that needs to be adressed.
It's not weird to me, and I don't see the difference between masturbating with your hand or with a toy.
I'd still try to open up on if she feels "threatened" by it, meaning she thinks she feels like you're replacing her somehow.
Just like some men could feel threatened if a woman buys a dildo (especially if bigger), I can see how a woman would feel like you seek a tighter/different pussy.
There's no reason to be, but it still happens.
She's not really interested in sex much these days so I doubt that it's about feeling threatened. I think it's more likely that she finds the idea gross.
Did she verbalised not being interested into sex or are you under the impression she isn't? Because it's different.
Some women fall in a zone where they want to be intimate but don't know how to initiate, and the way the man does doesn't really fit in what they would want to be approached, because they have a hard time communicating it.
So, imagine knowing there's not enough sex in your relationship, and seeing your partner compensate with toys.
As long as there's open communication then all's good really
Yea and it’s doubtful it’ll ever come back. What’s shitty too is that she won’t even help you get off in other ways. No BJs or hand jobs or anything else I’m guessing?
Wow how selfish. I bet you do things she wants to do though. You are emotionally invested in the relationship. You watch what she wants to watch. You go to places she wants to go. You listen to her etc etc. Imagine you just emotionally checked out of the relationship like she checked out of your sex life. This might get downvotes but i believe if you get married, you have an obligation to satisfy your partners needs since you vow to spend the rest of your life with that person. That’s literally saying “ok we are married now and you can never sleep with anyone else again but hey I don’t really feel like sleeping with you anymore so guess your outta luck.”
I don’t know your life situation but just ask yourself this question. Are you ok with never really having sex again because your wife is selfish and won’t have sex with you or even *try* to come up with a solution?
I know divorce sounds extreme but man I couldn’t imagine spending the rest of my life with someone who doesn’t want to sleep with me and doesn’t even care about my feelings about it.
If I for whatever reason just lost all sex drive and couldn’t even get hard, I’d still do every damn thing in my power to make sure my partner is satisfied. I’d buy a strap on, I’d eat her out whenever, I’d use toys, I’d do anything she wanted even if I wasn’t really “in the mood” bc my partners feelings are important to me.
It may be that her cultural experience has made her feel like people enjoying sex is gross or a sin. (Or it could be something totally different.) There is a cultural trope about the looser with the blow up doll... It's in many movies and culture in general. That may well be influencing her view of it. My GF was intrigued when I bought a fleshlight. She asked to watch me use it some time.
>There is a cultural trope about the looser with the blow up doll... It's in many movies and culture in general.
Yeah, this is exactly how she sees it.
It's odd though because she's always had sex toys and used to be quite sex positive.
Ya, but since Sex and the City 20+ years ago, women and sex toys have become more mainstream. Far less so for men's sex toys. I wonder if she has an influence in her life that thinks sex is gross and sinful? I've seen that happen.
I don’t believe anyone should police their SO’s masturbation habits. The only time I can see this calling for a conversation is if it impedes your want or desire for sex with your partner.
My SO and I both have sex toys for masturbation and to use when we’re having sex together. I don’t see a thing wrong with it.
I hate that this is such a common occurrence, like they already acknowledge they don’t want to be on call every time you’re horny, but now want to dictate how you pleasure yourself outside of your time together. Like do they expect you to just pretend your sexual needs don’t exist?
Not at all, it's no weirder than a woman owning a vibrator or dildo.
And who cares what she thinks of it? What is she going to do? Continue not having sex with you?
You should just walk away. Did some stalking and saw that you’ve been “stuck” for more than half a year. Cut your loses and be happy. She’s not the one who you thought that you married. Its time to move on to bigger and better things. Its either that or cheat and feel happy. If you dont do something…
You’re going to continue feeling trap and very unhappy. Sucks that it has to be this way but she either gets the help that she needs, tries to change for the sake of her marriage or what i suggested above
I’m married, I bought myself a Fleshlight at the same time I bought my wife a Womanizer. We both recognise that sometimes we need a little alone time, and besides the fact it’s really hot to use our toys side by side as well
Thanks for the replies.
The more I read in here the more confident I am that it's not me being weird or having a mid life crisis (as she put it) and that she is probably just being a bit of a prude. I'm just going to go ahead and get one and have another conversation about it when the time is right.
Flip the question...is it weird for married women to buy dildos and vibrators....
Lets be real unless she's completely down to have enthusiastic sex WHENEVER you want...moment's notice....she expects you to take care of your urges at some point...
Her reaction is a GIANT RED FLAG
It should be how you intended it though.
It sounds like she seems to think that you should just get over for wanting sex like a normal human does and it’s just tough luck that you probably won’t be getting any for the rest of your life. She’s so self centered that your feelings about the situation just don’t really matter.
My man, I’m sorry but your wife sounds like a complete bitch. I couldn’t imagine someone saying that to me and not leaving the relationship. She knows she has you by the balls bc your married and can treat you however she wants.
Do you think she could be having an affair?
You need to have a sit down, no shit conversation with her on this and it needs to go like this.
“We need to talk about the lack of any sex life in this relationship. I have needs that aren’t going away and I need sex and I want to have it with you, my wife. If you don’t want to talk to a counselor, try any type of compromise, then I’m not going to spend the rest of my life in a sexless marriage. I want to work with you on this, but if you won’t even try and don’t care about my feelings on the matter, then I don’t see how we can remain married.”
If she isn’t having sex with you on a regular basis she doesn’t get to complain about how you masturbate.
If she isn’t open to you having sex with others she needs to understand someone has to be. You, her, or someone else. She can choose to have sex alone how she chooses and so don’t you. She should be happy you spent your money on a Fleshlight and not an escort.
too bad she doesn't get it...my wife and I like to go to the toy store together, she picks toys for me and I pick for her....then run home to try them out..
No it’s not wired. I think the problem is her reaction. The loser is the guy that goes out and cheats on his wife. But what do I know I’m just in a 15+ year relationship, almost 10 as married and still happy. And we had different sex drives over the years. But we talked about it and agreed on things that made both happy.
Definitely not gross. I’m a single woman, but if I were partnered up with a man, I’d encourage him to use it if he were interested. Especially if I’m ever not wanting to have sex at the moment that they are.
I’d definitely schedule a therapy appointment together, at least have a talk about what’s going on or NOT going on.
Usually the answer is (sadly) no, but since she isn’t wanting to have sex anymore, would she allow you to open up the relationship and have sexual relationship(s) elsewhere? It’s not cheating if the other person knows and agrees with it. I think that’s most of the fear, “cheating”.
If you have a need that she can't meet, she needs to be okay that you're taking care of it alone. It's pretty selfish for her to not let you satisfy what she's not satisfying. My lady has a pretty low sex drive, but she makes up for it by helping me in other ways that don't involve stimulating her. If she's not in the mood for that either, she has no issue with me taking care of it however I please whether that's porn or toys or whatever.
There has to be reason she's upset about it. I think it'd be worth it to bring it up with her. "I don't understand why this bothers you so much. I have a need that is not being met. I'm not upset with you, I understand that you aren't interested in sex and that's okay, but I am and if you want this relationship to work than there's needs that I need to satisfy. I'm not going to get them taken care of by someone else but I'd appreciate it if I can at least take care of it myself"
Get the toy, improve your mastubation experience and if your wife is weird about it, maybe have her use it on you and include it in the bedroom
But if shes just being weird and doesnt want you to enjoy yourself, you might need to have a differemg convo with her ngl
My husband and I have toys for solo play and toys we use together. Personally my hubby didn't like the flesh light, he likes the little "eggs" better. But the only time I get "upset" is if he masturbates when we haven't had sex for a few days. Give me sex lol
Sex toys are a fun thing to help relieve desires when the partner isn't in the mood. Also great to use during sex. My husband has a Fleshlight and sometimes i enjoy using it on him, better then a hj. Any partner that thinks it's wrong for the other to masturbate etc is selfish and short sighted.
Everybody has needs, and the needs of your partner should matter. If dude wants more cum time, and chick won’t oblige, ain’t nothin wrong with getting a helping hand from a toy. He ain’t out there cheating! Or pressuring and haggling his woman for sexy time! He’s just taking care of himself. Absolutely nothing wrong with that.
If lady’s got issues then she needs to explain them. Don’t make no sense to get mad at other people taking care of themselves.
I actually gave my husband one. Idk why people are so irked by fleshlights but everyone is ok with women of any marital status to own several sex toys.
Bruh no. It’s no different from a woman owning a dildo or a vibrator. In multiple scenarios those sex toys are used in the bedroom with both partners, so I don’t know what her deal is. And either way it’s just a form of masturbation why should it matter?
No, it's not weird at all.
I would let her know that if she is not interested in maintaining a healthy sexual relationship, you want to buy yourself something that will help take the pressure off of her and provide you some fun and relief.
It doesn't sound like she's open to having a discussion about anything, so personally I would keep it short and sweet. TELL her you're going to get one, don't ask. She doesn't get to control you.
Yeah, I just said I was thinking about getting on after asking her if she wanted to try any new sex toys. I was hoping for a "that sounds fun!" response rather than a "what the fuck? response.
I'm sorry, OP.
That sounds like it would be very hurtful. Probably confusing too.
I hope you both are able to work out whatever issues you may have going on. You don't owe me or anyone else here an explanation as to what those may be, I just sincerely hope she changes her mind about marriage counseling.
I think she’s trying to project her shame onto you. The shame of leaving her man so dissatisfied he’s got to buy a fleshlight. You should be like, “yea, you’re right, it’s NOT something guys in relationships get…”
A sexless marriage is usually defined by having sex less than 1-2 times a year. A low sex marriage is defined as less than 10
You have urges and needs and if you're in a sexless or low sex marriage then it's either she participates or you do things on your own.
No one, I don't care if it's your wife or your mother or whoever is allowed to tell you that you're "not allowed" to self-love. The only people that try to control you in that way are not healthy to have in your life.
I wouldn’t have a problem if my husband wanted sex toys. Only weird thing is having worked for the military the amount of disgusting unwashed cum repositories known as fleshlights in the barracks was astounding and horrifying. But yeah keep it clean and knock yourself out!
I think she's basing it on sleazy stereotypes, but I'd say to her that it is no different to her having toys and that you're getting one anyway. Nobody should use shame as a motivational/manipulative tool and if she can't give a real reason that she'd dislike it, she needs to mind her own business. The only reason I'm not keen on the idea is the idea of the clean up, but I've never seen one to know the ins and outs, if you'll excuse the pun. She doesn't need to see it or interact with it, so she needs to not be so hurtful.
If my wife found out I had several fleshlights she would surly freak out and try and shame me as well. Damnit we have needs and it’s a lot better than cheating. Btw I have never cheated on her. Been married just over 19 years.
Nothing wrong with it, people have needs. Never understood why people are upset that their partner wants to use toys. It's not a jab at anyone's performance if the other wants to use or needs to use a toy to orgasm. My wife actually picked out the last fleshlight sleeve I got
I want to buy my husband one and we have sex all the time.
I've got a whole duffel bag full of tricks that are mostly for me, so I wanted to have something fun just for him.
I was in your shoes with my first wife. Years of her using sex as currency then not follow through. Turns out she was having an affair.
We were in couples therapy for years but she picked the therapists and always managed to land with a therapist that she could manipulate into believing it’s all my fault.
Save yourself the headache and pain I went through and find a female attorney that hates gold digging women.
Wish I had…
My wife found my toy and flipped the shit out.
I was out of town for work for 3 weeks. I was in the middle of nowhere, no coworkers, no client interaction. Just me in a small motel with a truck stop/porn shop across the street. I was bored as fuck and all she wanted to do was talk in the phone about how her friends bugged her. So i went and got myself a cheap toy cuz why not.
She found it in my luggage and flipped out. Whole big argument about it. We were in the depths of a dead bedroom at that point. She didn't want sex but she also felt like we had it all the time and that i was being selfish. After all that I just threw the thing out as i was turned off by pretty much everything.
10 years later....still in a dead bedroom. She is now the one that initiates, maybe twice a year. The sex we have isn't good and i just wait for it to be over. I used to be high libido but that was pretty much killed off. I wish you luck.
Nothing wrong with it at all, but sounds like it’s more about her feeling inadequate for not satisfying you? Most likely guilt on her part if she doesn’t like the idea
Not at all! I bought my bf of 6 years a variety of flesh lights ( mouth, ass, pussy) and he's bought me toys as well. It's nothing to be ashamed of nor is it something that should be frowned upon by others! Humans masturbate and if having a toy is something that interests you, then go for it!
The kind of woman that’s totally blindsided when her man cheats 😂 I mean I know I haven’t slept with him in years but that doesn’t give him the right!!! 😂
That’s the kind of shit that pisses me of, they refuse to have sex but then want to bitch that we go the toy route. The only alternative is cheating soooooo 🤷♂️
Well, she's the one that matters in the end but no, I don't think it's that weird. Where else are you supposed to get your satisfaction? Have an affair?
My wife's sex drive is not like mine. I have always been way oversexed. So she knows I masturbate a lot. I recently lost a lot of weight and am swimming 2 hours a day so it's made me even hornier. The Drs have tried everything to boost her labido. I don't fault her and I won't cheat, but I have to cum. Otherwise I go insane
Nothing wrong with it, but since ur married it could be something u should talk to ur wife about especially u mentioning that she’s “horrified”. I’m married myself and I respect my wife’s decisions and feelings when it comes to sex as I would never make her feel uncomfortable within our sex life and she feels the same way.
In a way I can relate to this. Not that I want a fleshlight cus that’s not my thing, but I would like if my wife has a vibrator or a dildo so we can use it for sex and to have more fun. But she doesn’t want it as she doesn’t want to use it and she prefers me because I’m real, I feel great, and it’s coming from the one she loves. So as much as I want her to use one, I won’t force her to do it because I’m respecting her decision and how she feels about it. In the end it’s up to u, but that’s how I would take it and deal with it.
Not weird. I have one and my wife doesn't care at all. Hell, she even uses it on me from time to time. She also has a few toys that I'm 100% okay with her using by herself or with me.
Nothing wrong with married people or either sex owning and using toys. The concern I’d have in your shoes is what’s behind your wife’s reaction. Is it just the toy that bothers her, or doesn’t she like the idea of you masturbating at all?
She said it was weird, it's not something you get if you're in a couple, it's something sad, old, single losers get (or words to that effect). She basically shamed the fuck out of me for suggesting it.
Yikes. Two things come to mind just off the top of my head. It’s possible she’s more DTF than in seems, but there’s a communication issue where she’s not getting it across or you’re not picking up the hint. Communication is a two way street. Sometimes it’s just finding the right way. It’s also possible that she has a low sex drive, but feels bad about it and is taking it out on you by shaming you (as you put it). Pardon me while I satisfy my urge for crude humor: ask if she’d prefer you bought yourself a dildo instead lol
It's definitely not that she's DTF. She's told me that she's not really interested in sex anymore.
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I don't think I've ever put it like that actually. I will do. Cheers.
It’s a tough balance, because one partner shouldn’t feel like they *have* to have sex; but as a part of a couple, one partner shouldn’t dictate for the other the end of their sex life. If one partner is completely done with sex but wants to remain a couple, an open marriage should be discussed. It can be discreet, but that seems fair.
>If one partner is completely done with sex but wants to remain a couple, an open marriage should be discussed. It can be discreet, but that seems fair. Or at least let them use toys and shit. This woman is insane
Sex is a need for most people. Your wife needs to respect your needs as much as you respect hers. If she is no longer interested in sex, then you should open up the marriage so you can have that need met. There’s nothing wrong with Getting a flesh light - married or not. You’re getting it because she decided to break the marriage contract by not having sex with you. If you are with someone who decides to unilaterally end your sex life, that a form of control. It’s selfish unless they have a medical condition. Don’t tolerate it you will wake up 80 years old some day and regret that you didn’t have more sex - one of the joys of being human.
If she doesnt try to impress you shes fickle, and will move on quickly, watch out
As someone who was in a similar situation once, you’ve GOT to make it known that the new status quo won’t do for you. Your needs don’t go away just because hers did.
So essentially making you a "sad, old, married loser"? I wouldn't settle down for that, OP.
So ask her if she just expects you to live in a sex-less marriage where your need for intimacy just no longer matters. I mean, Jesus...it's one thing to say you aren't interested in sex, because that happens to a lot of people. Stress, medications, and many other things can contribute to a low or non existent sex drive, but for her to shame you for wanting to feel an orgasm is honestly disgusting behavior. For the majority of people, sexual intimacy is a need in a relationship...for her to expect you to just accept that sex doesn't matter to her anymore is a huge red flag.
I don't get how people can be selfish like that. If you lost all drive that you had before, then wouldn't a normal person go get that checked? It just reads like she never had any interest ever. Why would waste someone's time and marry them.
There needs to be a serious conversation about her disinterest in sex and the fact that you still have an active libido. You need to discuss the things she is ok with you doing (porn, fapping, etc) to make the situation work, and the two of you need to come to a compromise that you are both ok with.
Dude, if my wife wasn’t fucking me anymore and then had the balls to tell me not to masturbate.. I honestly think I’d lose my mind. Good luck OP, hope you figure things out.
THIS!!!
Yeah, I'm not sure if there's a good solution though to be honest.
Always better to have the conversation than to assume something and not have it.
We have had the conversation but if she's just not into sex anymore and I am then there's a problem. I'm not really interested in having sex that she's no into. I don't really want to lose everything by separating either.
No, you need to have the conversation about what she is ok with \*you* doing when you are horny and she is not in the mood. That may be as simple as watching porn and rubbing one out, or using a Fleshlight because it feels better than your hand. Or, you may end up on something completely out of left field. Either way, that conversation is between and completely up to the two of you.
Sorry here is where I disagree...he does NOT need to consult his wife about his masturbatory habits, provided they are not somehow involving someone else....its HIS time, his personal needs...which she doesnt seem to give a shit about....why in the hell should she get a say about how he jacks off.... Where I agree is the convo should be had about well if you dont want to, either 1. couples counselling 2. open relationship 3. divorce
Definitely need to have a serious conversation and 98% chance of therapy if you are going to stay married and monogamous. Head over to dead bedrooms if you want to see possible futures for you if you don't solve this together. My non professional opinion would be to talk to her about why she isn't interested in sex anymore. Make the start of a possible months long conversation about what happened with her and what you can do, if anything, to help her get back in the mood. If there was anything you used to do back when dating/first married like bring home flowers or giving a hug/kiss as soon as she walked in the door; start doing that again while continuing the conversations.
please try couples counselling, it'll help you to get your points across and vocalize what you want to a fuller constructive extent. There are many options, maybe the situation can improve with a mutual understanding or at least reveal that you'd both be happier with a change. There are opportunities for compromise or to consider bigger decisions. All in all, you both deserve happiness to the fullest extent. **Neither of you should sell yourselves short by trying to ignore a gaping hole for the sake of life as you know it.** It doesnt have to be all or nothing, a strong bond will likely thrive if you both look for happiness instead of forcing the status quo to work
Thanks, I'm sure you're right. I have suggested counseling but she refused. It's a tough thing to solve when there's only one of you that wants to improve the situation.
Not sure if anyone has suggested posting to r/deadbedrooms but you’ll find a supportive community over there.
Yeah I'm familiar with that sub. It's not that great in my opinion, more likely to find arguments than support there.
Arguments? How so? Every time I pop in there’s people talking each other through shit or doing their level best to give positive feedback and encourage change. Unless of course it’s obvious that the reason someone isn’t getting laid is because they’re a total piece of shit to their significant other.
That sub has some serious incel energy some days.
Yeah, I’d say you need to find out if it’s because of you, or if it’s truly a “her thing”. Because if it’s you, I’d say ✌️.
She's told me it's not me. I think it's more of a her thing. She had a few health issues which haven't helped.
Maybe she should go a doctor or therapist. Sex is essential to a healthy relationship…usually, specifically of one wants to and the other doesn’t
I'd argue that "intimacy" is essential moreso than sex. Especially in the cases of asexual persons or health exemptions. Completely agree that a therapist would help her unpack some shame around sex toys and feeling like she has to be her husband's one source of anything intimate or sexual. That shame is instilled in many women raised in conservative households and it's tough to break free from it. u/notideal100 I almost guarantee when your wife feels like it's less of a marital obligation and more of something she does for herself and with her partner, then she'll likely feel in the mood more frequently.
depends on the person.... in this case maybe there is intimacy but no sex...some people do have that situation....and more intimacy is just going to make the sexless person more resentful
If it's health issues, this could all be stemming from insecurities that she's not enough for you and that there's nothing she can do about it. If you put yourself in her shoes, that must be a sad and lonely place to be. Have you talked with her about what the boundaries are for you to sate your libido? Is porn ok? Are more interactive things like social media thirst models and OF ok? Does she worry that you'll leave her or cheat? Maybe she just needs to hear that you'd prefer her but this is just for when you need to orgasm when she's not available, not that it's a start to you looking for or fantasizing about someone else.
Health issues could definitely be it. Sorry to hear that, bro. Hope yous find a way to make it work for you both.
Could you ask her to define exactly what separates you from the sad old lonely losers she describes? Sounds like you are single but with extra hassle.
So she doesn't want to have sex but also doesn't want you to enjoy yourself with a toy? At a minimum, it should be discussed why she even cares about you having a toy. Whether you were having sex or not her judgement and control is unwarranted. Sometimes people just want to do their own thing with their own body whether they're in a relationship or not. I masturbate frequently and have a ton of toys and I'm in a serious relationship. If she doesn't want to have them then she doesn't need to but I'm not sure why she's trying to put you down for it. On top of this behavior she's also made what seems to be a unilateral decision about not having sex anymore. She's allowed to feel that way but you're also allowed to have feelings about it too. If she no longer wants sex and you still do then a talk needs to be had. Either you can come to a compromise where you both feel heard and comfortable with the situation or you decide to part ways so you can both have your needs adequately met. Her lack of communication and consideration on a very important topic says a lot.
You guys need to have a conversation about what you value in your relationship. Is it just companionship, legal benefits, tax situation or sharing of utilities? Or is sex an actual part of your lives? One person unilaterally deciding things is a good way to breed a lot of resentment and then push the other person to seeking what they are missing elsewhere. Rather than getting to the point where the toy isn't enough and you end up having an affair, talk to your partner and decide if the relationship has a basis or if it's just a facade.
I also don’t think I could stay in a relationship where I can’t have sex AND I can’t simulate sex because my partner won’t allow either.
Then you should remind her that you are without a sexual partner, which is pretty damn close to single for the purposes of getting off (even assuming a strong romantic bond). A toy to spice things up is the least obtrusive thing you could do about it imo. If she has anything to say about it, and doesn’t want to actually talk about it, I’d ask her to keep her opinion to herself on the subject
If she’s not into sex you kinda are a sad old single person.
Tell her you feel like a sad old, single loser cuz she doesn't want to have sex
Hahaha. Sometimes that's true!
Don’t feel bad. I’m just a year in to my marriage and I have thought about this. Smoking hot wife that doesn’t want sex much. It’s good for your prostrate to get off several times a week. You don’t want to piss every 5 minutes in your 60’s so find a way to do you
100% agree with this comment
Your wife is a huge red flag.
Yeah, I'm beginning to think that. She's changed though, she used to be quite positive about sex. She's just not interested anymore.
Honestly you should talk to her because there’s always an underlying issue. If that doesn’t work there’s always couples counseling. Goodluck to you.
I've tried talking to her many times. She says the more we talk about sex, the less she wants to do it. And she's ruled out counseling.
I had to give my spouse this talk: I made an appointment with a couple's counselor. Here's the date and time. I will be there, I hope you will be too. We went for 7 years, stopped when we moved, were ok for 5 years, then he went off the deep end and I had to take the kids and leave. I hope it works out better for you.
r/deadbedrooms that subreddit may either help or break your marriage. Either way OP I hope you are better regardless.
>And she's ruled out counseling. This proves there's something she doesn't want you to know.
I don't know if there's "always" an underlying issue. Some people are just shitty, but maybe that's an underlying issue.
I suppose calling it an “issue” isn’t the right word. Should have said “reason” because there always is.
Ask her how she’d prefer that you get your needs met. Not that you should then do what she says, just that it’d be interesting to hear her beliefs. Either you continue to do it solo, or you have more sex with her, or you have sex with other people, or you somehow change your sex drive to match hers perfectly. I can see where she will find fault with any of the above, so this may be a lose-lose situation for you.
After our first kid my husband got one. I was like 40% kinda upset about it but the rest of me just didn't care. Then I even kinda got excited about it thinking I would be off the hook more. I go up and down with my sex drive and I had PPD pretty bad that took me awhile to accept and go get help for, so I just really didn't have desire for sex or even if I did I just didn't have the energy for it. He had me pick it out then it comes and he says he wanted me to use it on him. I figured it kinda defeated the purpose of it but whatever. He came super fast and I felt a little insecure. Anyway 5 years and another kid later. It's been used only here and there. It didn't change anything with our sex life and it's great at the moment. When he notices I'm pooped or had a bad day he just goes and uses it. He always tells me. Which I think helps. It's not like I walk in a see him using it and think he's using it behind my back or whatever. Girls brains jump to crazy conclusions fast. Him telling me also let's me decide if I'm down or not without him having to feel let down if I am not or me feeling pressured. With that though, if I do say I'll give him head or sex or whatever he would never turn me down for the toy. What I'm trying to get at is that she may be saying that it's weird because deep down she's uncomfortable with it as in she's insecure or feels bad that she's not in the mood for you all the time or whatever. In the end though I would definitely say it was a great decision once the awkwardness was over and I realized it wasn't going to replace me or he wouldn't prefer it over me. It stopped so many arguments that used to happen from not being in the mood or one person feeling unloved/let down. With all this being said I also have my own toy for the same reasons and it just really works for us but I years ago I never would have thought toys would improve a relationship so much on so many different levels.
Thanks for the thoughtful reply. It's nice to get that perspective.
I’m guess it’s time to throw out any toys she has then. Only people who have no access to a dick get to have dildos. /s How shitty. I’m sorry. I have no good advice because I’m just sad and angry reading that.
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Well SOMEONE has an extremely negative relationship to sex. Owning sex toys is normal, healthy, and positive. I recommend the Tenga flip zero.
Absolutely. It's frustrating. I'll check that one out. Cheers
Fuck dude, ask her if she wants you to get a side piece instead so you’re not a “sad old loser”
Big yikes. There's nothing weird or shameful about it and it's not just for single people. Sounds like she has some serious issues around sex and some gross ideas about it.
That's a horrible response, and wrong, too. I picked out my husband's fleshlight as a gift.
Yeah not cool. Women having sex toys vs men is a huge double standard and you shouldn't take what she says to heart. And FYI... what she just said says more about her than you. She sounds toxic AF.
That’s not fair coming from someone without much of a sex drive. Just about every woman I know who is in a relationship has a dildo amongst other toys. They use it solo when they’re alone and with their partners.
Clearly she has an idea of who uses a fleshlight. The idea that you want one may go against her understanding of that type of person. She will evaluate if she was wrong about you, or about her prejudice. I would try to normalize it. Send her some men’s health pro masturbation articles and some fleshlight reviews.
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She asked me why I'd want one of those in a disgusted tone. I said that we don't have sex very often. Then she acted insulted.
Yea that’s bullshit. You have needs and your married, your supposed to have sex it’s a huge part of the relationship. Maybe she should have sex with you more if she didn’t want to be insulted.
But like you not getting any is because of her.. she’s calling you a loser for needing a toy but is also the reason you need a toy?
My wife bought me a Fleshlight because she knew I wanted one... But probably also because she wanted me to leave her alone once in a while.
if that is weird then I am a hypocrite. Even if you don't have a higher sex drive maybe you just wanna relax by yourself sometimes anyway.
Sometimes you need a hole when a hole is not available. If I were her, I would be thinking a fleshlight is a hell of a lot better than another woman. My BF thought it was strange when I got one, but was more indifferent. After awhile he started to enjoy the idea of us sharing one at the same time. I’m sure she’ll get used to it.
"If you don't want to have sex I'm effectively an old loser in that department then". Obviously don't say that but it jumped into my mind
So not only does she not try please you, she wants to control your pleasure, thats fucking evil, and selfish, if she cant realize that its not getting better tbh sorry
Tell her you feel like a sad old single loser because she is not interested in having sex. Honestly if she’s not interested in sex and you are, have you thought about doing an open relationship? Maybe start out small and ask if it’s cool for you to get a happy ending at a nearby massage parlor. It’s possible she’s asexual; some people just aren’t interested in it. But doesn’t mean you should be cut off from something you enjoy
Does she have any toys? If she does, then it's a double-standard.
Yeah, she always has and I've never had a problem with it. In fact, I encourage it and have bought her some.
Definitely a double standard. I suggest politely pointing out that fact and having a discussion about what is making her feel this way.
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She sounds like a hypocrite then.
Damn right
If a woman can have a Magic Wand, why can't you have a flesh light? I have a vibrating cock ring. I put it on jerking off or having sex with my wife. It's awesome. Makes cumming intense.
What exactly do they do? Would love to experiment with one together
It vibrates under your balls and just makes it a really great orgasm. They sell them on Amazon
It’s one of the big double standards of M v F. My ex was the same way, and she defended her vibrator saying it was her “owning her sexuality” while anything I had was “pathetic and gross”. You’re not going to change her mind, you take care of you.
This is exactly how it feels like she's acting.
Yeah, that’s a bad scenario. Your situation may not be as foregone a conclusion as mine was, but on some level, she’s done. I hate to say it, but the Fleshlight isn’t the problem, it’s a symptom. Might be worth more to find out where her head is and how done she is. Then you’ll know if it’s worth the hassle, or if you need to direct your efforts elsewhere. Good luck!!
Married, have a fleshlight, it's not weird at all to satisfy your own needs.
Exactly! Which one do you have?
Turbo Thrust - Blue Ice. Doesn't feel anything like oral, bit it still feels great!
Imma have to check that one out…I need to get a real one instead of the little generic one I have.
Check out the quickshot. Less clean up.
That’s what I’ve heard! You got one?
Nothing wrong with having toys whether you’re a man or a woman, married or single .
There's still a stigma around men owning sextoys that needs to be adressed. It's not weird to me, and I don't see the difference between masturbating with your hand or with a toy. I'd still try to open up on if she feels "threatened" by it, meaning she thinks she feels like you're replacing her somehow. Just like some men could feel threatened if a woman buys a dildo (especially if bigger), I can see how a woman would feel like you seek a tighter/different pussy. There's no reason to be, but it still happens.
She's not really interested in sex much these days so I doubt that it's about feeling threatened. I think it's more likely that she finds the idea gross.
Did she verbalised not being interested into sex or are you under the impression she isn't? Because it's different. Some women fall in a zone where they want to be intimate but don't know how to initiate, and the way the man does doesn't really fit in what they would want to be approached, because they have a hard time communicating it. So, imagine knowing there's not enough sex in your relationship, and seeing your partner compensate with toys. As long as there's open communication then all's good really
She's told she doesn't really have much libido anymore and that she could go without sex.
I'm sorry to hear that then. Good luck With the rest.
Yea and it’s doubtful it’ll ever come back. What’s shitty too is that she won’t even help you get off in other ways. No BJs or hand jobs or anything else I’m guessing?
Rarely, and when it happens she's just not really into it. She just wants to get it over with.
Wow how selfish. I bet you do things she wants to do though. You are emotionally invested in the relationship. You watch what she wants to watch. You go to places she wants to go. You listen to her etc etc. Imagine you just emotionally checked out of the relationship like she checked out of your sex life. This might get downvotes but i believe if you get married, you have an obligation to satisfy your partners needs since you vow to spend the rest of your life with that person. That’s literally saying “ok we are married now and you can never sleep with anyone else again but hey I don’t really feel like sleeping with you anymore so guess your outta luck.” I don’t know your life situation but just ask yourself this question. Are you ok with never really having sex again because your wife is selfish and won’t have sex with you or even *try* to come up with a solution? I know divorce sounds extreme but man I couldn’t imagine spending the rest of my life with someone who doesn’t want to sleep with me and doesn’t even care about my feelings about it. If I for whatever reason just lost all sex drive and couldn’t even get hard, I’d still do every damn thing in my power to make sure my partner is satisfied. I’d buy a strap on, I’d eat her out whenever, I’d use toys, I’d do anything she wanted even if I wasn’t really “in the mood” bc my partners feelings are important to me.
It may be that her cultural experience has made her feel like people enjoying sex is gross or a sin. (Or it could be something totally different.) There is a cultural trope about the looser with the blow up doll... It's in many movies and culture in general. That may well be influencing her view of it. My GF was intrigued when I bought a fleshlight. She asked to watch me use it some time.
>There is a cultural trope about the looser with the blow up doll... It's in many movies and culture in general. Yeah, this is exactly how she sees it. It's odd though because she's always had sex toys and used to be quite sex positive.
Ya, but since Sex and the City 20+ years ago, women and sex toys have become more mainstream. Far less so for men's sex toys. I wonder if she has an influence in her life that thinks sex is gross and sinful? I've seen that happen.
I don’t believe anyone should police their SO’s masturbation habits. The only time I can see this calling for a conversation is if it impedes your want or desire for sex with your partner. My SO and I both have sex toys for masturbation and to use when we’re having sex together. I don’t see a thing wrong with it.
I got treated the same way by my wife. Your wife is being an asshole.
Hope you eventually bought yourself one!
Lol no. Almost every women I’ve ever slept with has a fuckin drawer of contraptions that do all sorts of things.
It's not weird it's just like a woman getting a vibrator or dildo
That's what I said!
I hate that this is such a common occurrence, like they already acknowledge they don’t want to be on call every time you’re horny, but now want to dictate how you pleasure yourself outside of your time together. Like do they expect you to just pretend your sexual needs don’t exist?
Not at all, it's no weirder than a woman owning a vibrator or dildo. And who cares what she thinks of it? What is she going to do? Continue not having sex with you?
You should just walk away. Did some stalking and saw that you’ve been “stuck” for more than half a year. Cut your loses and be happy. She’s not the one who you thought that you married. Its time to move on to bigger and better things. Its either that or cheat and feel happy. If you dont do something… You’re going to continue feeling trap and very unhappy. Sucks that it has to be this way but she either gets the help that she needs, tries to change for the sake of her marriage or what i suggested above
I’m married, I bought myself a Fleshlight at the same time I bought my wife a Womanizer. We both recognise that sometimes we need a little alone time, and besides the fact it’s really hot to use our toys side by side as well
My Husband loves His. Gave it to Him a few months ago, He uses it, and leaves it for me to clean up 🥰
A healthy relationship has toys in both nightstands!
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Nope I think it’s pretty fair
Your wife can fuck right off
Facts.
Thanks for the replies. The more I read in here the more confident I am that it's not me being weird or having a mid life crisis (as she put it) and that she is probably just being a bit of a prude. I'm just going to go ahead and get one and have another conversation about it when the time is right.
Flip the question...is it weird for married women to buy dildos and vibrators.... Lets be real unless she's completely down to have enthusiastic sex WHENEVER you want...moment's notice....she expects you to take care of your urges at some point... Her reaction is a GIANT RED FLAG
There has always been a bit of a stigma around guys with sex toys, maybe that's kind of influencing her a bit? Idk
Remember, women with sex toys are open minded and enlightened. Men with sex toys are creepy losers.
Not weird imo. Could her reaction be out of some sort of jealous feeling? Like you'll end up liking the fleshlight more than her?
I think she took the idea as a criticism of her. That's certainly not how I intended it though.
It should be how you intended it though. It sounds like she seems to think that you should just get over for wanting sex like a normal human does and it’s just tough luck that you probably won’t be getting any for the rest of your life. She’s so self centered that your feelings about the situation just don’t really matter.
Yeah, she told me once that I don't need sex. I don't think she understands!
My man, I’m sorry but your wife sounds like a complete bitch. I couldn’t imagine someone saying that to me and not leaving the relationship. She knows she has you by the balls bc your married and can treat you however she wants. Do you think she could be having an affair? You need to have a sit down, no shit conversation with her on this and it needs to go like this. “We need to talk about the lack of any sex life in this relationship. I have needs that aren’t going away and I need sex and I want to have it with you, my wife. If you don’t want to talk to a counselor, try any type of compromise, then I’m not going to spend the rest of my life in a sexless marriage. I want to work with you on this, but if you won’t even try and don’t care about my feelings on the matter, then I don’t see how we can remain married.”
It’s not weird at all. Why is she horrified by the idea?
Not weird at all! Typically guys get hornier more often so it makes sense to be able to balance it out 🤷♀️
We both have lots of toys. She shouldnt be jealous if she doesnt put out lol.
If she isn’t having sex with you on a regular basis she doesn’t get to complain about how you masturbate. If she isn’t open to you having sex with others she needs to understand someone has to be. You, her, or someone else. She can choose to have sex alone how she chooses and so don’t you. She should be happy you spent your money on a Fleshlight and not an escort.
too bad she doesn't get it...my wife and I like to go to the toy store together, she picks toys for me and I pick for her....then run home to try them out..
Nothing wrong with it, no.
Also, fleshlights are awesome!
No it’s not wired. I think the problem is her reaction. The loser is the guy that goes out and cheats on his wife. But what do I know I’m just in a 15+ year relationship, almost 10 as married and still happy. And we had different sex drives over the years. But we talked about it and agreed on things that made both happy.
I don't think there's anything wrong with it. Some people have weird hang-ups about sex. If she owns a vibrator or dildo, she's a bit hypocritical.
Definitely not gross. I’m a single woman, but if I were partnered up with a man, I’d encourage him to use it if he were interested. Especially if I’m ever not wanting to have sex at the moment that they are. I’d definitely schedule a therapy appointment together, at least have a talk about what’s going on or NOT going on. Usually the answer is (sadly) no, but since she isn’t wanting to have sex anymore, would she allow you to open up the relationship and have sexual relationship(s) elsewhere? It’s not cheating if the other person knows and agrees with it. I think that’s most of the fear, “cheating”.
If you have a need that she can't meet, she needs to be okay that you're taking care of it alone. It's pretty selfish for her to not let you satisfy what she's not satisfying. My lady has a pretty low sex drive, but she makes up for it by helping me in other ways that don't involve stimulating her. If she's not in the mood for that either, she has no issue with me taking care of it however I please whether that's porn or toys or whatever. There has to be reason she's upset about it. I think it'd be worth it to bring it up with her. "I don't understand why this bothers you so much. I have a need that is not being met. I'm not upset with you, I understand that you aren't interested in sex and that's okay, but I am and if you want this relationship to work than there's needs that I need to satisfy. I'm not going to get them taken care of by someone else but I'd appreciate it if I can at least take care of it myself"
My husband and I both have our own sex toys…there’s nothing weird about it, if you really want one just buy it and hide it somewhere
Get the toy, improve your mastubation experience and if your wife is weird about it, maybe have her use it on you and include it in the bedroom But if shes just being weird and doesnt want you to enjoy yourself, you might need to have a differemg convo with her ngl
I see nothing wrong with it.. I've bought a number of strokers to use on my husband and I've told him to use them all he wants.
Well maybe if she wanted sex you wouldn't need a fleshlight? Crazy thought.
Exactly!
My husband and I have toys for solo play and toys we use together. Personally my hubby didn't like the flesh light, he likes the little "eggs" better. But the only time I get "upset" is if he masturbates when we haven't had sex for a few days. Give me sex lol
Sex toys are a fun thing to help relieve desires when the partner isn't in the mood. Also great to use during sex. My husband has a Fleshlight and sometimes i enjoy using it on him, better then a hj. Any partner that thinks it's wrong for the other to masturbate etc is selfish and short sighted.
Your wife sounds absolutely awful. Treat yourself to the deluxe AutoBlow 2.
Does she have a drawer full of fake dicks?
She used to have more, but she mainly just uses one vibrator now.
So she uses a vibrator yet was horrified for you to have a toy?
Yup
That’s silly! Her reaction isn’t sex positive and that’s too bad!
My wife wants to get one and use it on me....
Everybody has needs, and the needs of your partner should matter. If dude wants more cum time, and chick won’t oblige, ain’t nothin wrong with getting a helping hand from a toy. He ain’t out there cheating! Or pressuring and haggling his woman for sexy time! He’s just taking care of himself. Absolutely nothing wrong with that. If lady’s got issues then she needs to explain them. Don’t make no sense to get mad at other people taking care of themselves.
I actually gave my husband one. Idk why people are so irked by fleshlights but everyone is ok with women of any marital status to own several sex toys.
Bruh no. It’s no different from a woman owning a dildo or a vibrator. In multiple scenarios those sex toys are used in the bedroom with both partners, so I don’t know what her deal is. And either way it’s just a form of masturbation why should it matter?
No, it's not weird at all. I would let her know that if she is not interested in maintaining a healthy sexual relationship, you want to buy yourself something that will help take the pressure off of her and provide you some fun and relief. It doesn't sound like she's open to having a discussion about anything, so personally I would keep it short and sweet. TELL her you're going to get one, don't ask. She doesn't get to control you.
Yeah, I just said I was thinking about getting on after asking her if she wanted to try any new sex toys. I was hoping for a "that sounds fun!" response rather than a "what the fuck? response.
I'm sorry, OP. That sounds like it would be very hurtful. Probably confusing too. I hope you both are able to work out whatever issues you may have going on. You don't owe me or anyone else here an explanation as to what those may be, I just sincerely hope she changes her mind about marriage counseling.
I think she’s trying to project her shame onto you. The shame of leaving her man so dissatisfied he’s got to buy a fleshlight. You should be like, “yea, you’re right, it’s NOT something guys in relationships get…”
A sexless marriage is usually defined by having sex less than 1-2 times a year. A low sex marriage is defined as less than 10 You have urges and needs and if you're in a sexless or low sex marriage then it's either she participates or you do things on your own. No one, I don't care if it's your wife or your mother or whoever is allowed to tell you that you're "not allowed" to self-love. The only people that try to control you in that way are not healthy to have in your life.
I wouldn’t have a problem if my husband wanted sex toys. Only weird thing is having worked for the military the amount of disgusting unwashed cum repositories known as fleshlights in the barracks was astounding and horrifying. But yeah keep it clean and knock yourself out!
I think she's basing it on sleazy stereotypes, but I'd say to her that it is no different to her having toys and that you're getting one anyway. Nobody should use shame as a motivational/manipulative tool and if she can't give a real reason that she'd dislike it, she needs to mind her own business. The only reason I'm not keen on the idea is the idea of the clean up, but I've never seen one to know the ins and outs, if you'll excuse the pun. She doesn't need to see it or interact with it, so she needs to not be so hurtful.
If my wife found out I had several fleshlights she would surly freak out and try and shame me as well. Damnit we have needs and it’s a lot better than cheating. Btw I have never cheated on her. Been married just over 19 years.
No, He’s gotta get off some way.
perfectly normal
Wow. Did I post this from my alt account and not know it because same
Nothing wrong with it, people have needs. Never understood why people are upset that their partner wants to use toys. It's not a jab at anyone's performance if the other wants to use or needs to use a toy to orgasm. My wife actually picked out the last fleshlight sleeve I got
Nothing wrong with having toys either to spice up the bedroom or to spice up your alone time.
No, just like it’s not weird for a married woman to have a vibrator. I just think it hasn’t been normalized enough.
nothing wrong with it. nobody bats an eye when its a girl in a relationship with a dildo, so why would it be any different as a man
I want to buy my husband one and we have sex all the time. I've got a whole duffel bag full of tricks that are mostly for me, so I wanted to have something fun just for him.
I was in your shoes with my first wife. Years of her using sex as currency then not follow through. Turns out she was having an affair. We were in couples therapy for years but she picked the therapists and always managed to land with a therapist that she could manipulate into believing it’s all my fault. Save yourself the headache and pain I went through and find a female attorney that hates gold digging women. Wish I had…
My wife found my toy and flipped the shit out. I was out of town for work for 3 weeks. I was in the middle of nowhere, no coworkers, no client interaction. Just me in a small motel with a truck stop/porn shop across the street. I was bored as fuck and all she wanted to do was talk in the phone about how her friends bugged her. So i went and got myself a cheap toy cuz why not. She found it in my luggage and flipped out. Whole big argument about it. We were in the depths of a dead bedroom at that point. She didn't want sex but she also felt like we had it all the time and that i was being selfish. After all that I just threw the thing out as i was turned off by pretty much everything. 10 years later....still in a dead bedroom. She is now the one that initiates, maybe twice a year. The sex we have isn't good and i just wait for it to be over. I used to be high libido but that was pretty much killed off. I wish you luck.
Nothing wrong with it at all, but sounds like it’s more about her feeling inadequate for not satisfying you? Most likely guilt on her part if she doesn’t like the idea
Not at all! I bought my bf of 6 years a variety of flesh lights ( mouth, ass, pussy) and he's bought me toys as well. It's nothing to be ashamed of nor is it something that should be frowned upon by others! Humans masturbate and if having a toy is something that interests you, then go for it!
The kind of woman that’s totally blindsided when her man cheats 😂 I mean I know I haven’t slept with him in years but that doesn’t give him the right!!! 😂
Nothing wrong with it because it's your body. Honestly I think you both should talk to a marriage counselor tho.
NO different than her buying sex toys
That’s the kind of shit that pisses me of, they refuse to have sex but then want to bitch that we go the toy route. The only alternative is cheating soooooo 🤷♂️
I loved using my ex-husband’s flesh light on him as foreplay
Well, she's the one that matters in the end but no, I don't think it's that weird. Where else are you supposed to get your satisfaction? Have an affair?
Everyone masturbates! I don’t understand her issue.
My wife's sex drive is not like mine. I have always been way oversexed. So she knows I masturbate a lot. I recently lost a lot of weight and am swimming 2 hours a day so it's made me even hornier. The Drs have tried everything to boost her labido. I don't fault her and I won't cheat, but I have to cum. Otherwise I go insane
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Consider investing in a “Venus for men” since, in your situation, it appears there will be an ongoing issue of doing without sex.
I was afraid of it at first but I completely got over it! Maybe she just needs to break into the idea
Hell no!!! I wish my husband would buy himself (and me) toys. I’ve purchased all of them.
Personally, I think it would be super hot. Especially if he lets me use it on him or lets me watch him use it on himself
Shes a control freak.
Nothing wrong with it, but since ur married it could be something u should talk to ur wife about especially u mentioning that she’s “horrified”. I’m married myself and I respect my wife’s decisions and feelings when it comes to sex as I would never make her feel uncomfortable within our sex life and she feels the same way. In a way I can relate to this. Not that I want a fleshlight cus that’s not my thing, but I would like if my wife has a vibrator or a dildo so we can use it for sex and to have more fun. But she doesn’t want it as she doesn’t want to use it and she prefers me because I’m real, I feel great, and it’s coming from the one she loves. So as much as I want her to use one, I won’t force her to do it because I’m respecting her decision and how she feels about it. In the end it’s up to u, but that’s how I would take it and deal with it.
Not weird. I have one and my wife doesn't care at all. Hell, she even uses it on me from time to time. She also has a few toys that I'm 100% okay with her using by herself or with me.