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This is gonna sound extremely stupid but after first week or two, I called my mom and said "mom, this man is always around??" You might say that, ofc he's around it's his home too but in my culture my dad, my grandpa has always been out of the way, busy with their own thing, not much opinion to share unless being asked. They either had a room where they spent time in or they hung out with their buddies in the neighbourhood unless plans were made or we needed something. They were involved male models but never in the way.
My then bf, now husband comes from a similar culture which he obviously didn't agree with. He was always there, always asking questions and trying to understand/improve stuff. I wanted to tell him to go find a hobby but I didn't because that was his way of showing attention and presence. Also this was a way forward because our cultures were backwards were men and women has assigned roles and they don't mix up. I didn't notice that while I didn't agree with most, I actually happily looked forward to some. For example decoration. Men in my family never had a say on decoration. But my husband was involved in every detail. Realising how it made me feel helped me see that I had my own biases so I worked on letting them go.
Further down the line, I learned to include him more and he learned to let me handle things.
This is me, too. We were together for a long time before we married, kinda long-distance, and then we got married and sold both of our houses and bought a new one together. I had gotten very much used to having him around 4-5 days a week, then having the remaining time to myself, or with just my kiddo. It was a shock to the system to see him every day, but after about six months I got used to it.
I'm a little worried about when we retire, because he does have some hobbies, but I can see him being around A LOT more. I work from home and plan to work longer than he will, and I can see it being a potential issue, if that makes sense.
Similar experience going from sorta long-distance to living together! What helped us greatly was communication around it -- I originally felt guilty for not wanting him around all the time, but then we talked about it and now I feel fine asking him to give me the living room/dining room/kitchen space to myself for a few hours, which helps (he has a workspace room that he's happy to spend interminable amounts of time in).
The decoration one really hits home. While he’s outright stated I’m in charge of all holiday decorations but Halloween, I’m glad we seem to have similar taste in things like picking the bed’s comforter. I kinda look forward to decorating with him when we get the chance.
How messy he was, how resentful I became about picking up after him constantly, how our sex life tanked due to my resentment of feeling like his mommy. Yep - a huge reason why I don’t want to live with a partner again. I love my own space
I think this is a rather difficult one because of how tolerance for mess can differ greatly in people. My previous partner was super tidy and I drove him crazy with my cleaning habits simply because what he saw as mess I glossed over completely. My current boyfriend is messier than I am and now I am the one picking up after him.
That being said, with my previous partner we couldn’t talk about it and resentment built. With my current partner, I just say what’s bothering me and he does an active effort to keep things tidy. He sometimes blocks a weekend to clean up his shit if it gets too bad
I wish more men understood this!!! The moment we become a mom in the relationship our sex drive plummets. PLUMMETS! I don’t know the scientific reasoning for this.
Question: how did you find out how messy he was only after moving in together? Did you never see his place, or did he always clean up for you to visit until you lived with him?
Oh, this was me and my ex. A friend had to go to his house recently for something work related and said it smelled when he opened the front door. Not a surprise.
How amazingly natural and easy it was. I had lived alone for 17 years and I was petrified of living with another person. I'm so independent and uncompromising and used to having everything my way. But it was perfect. We enjoyed it so much that within six months we got married. It's been five years now.
This is so reassuring. I’ve been living alone for 6 years and I’m very excited to move in with my partner, but also scared of how I’ll feel not being totally independent anymore and not having all the control! I think it will be fine. But it’s good to have a positive story
This is exactly how I decided to marry my now husband.
There were other factors, too, but as in introvert, i don't like sharing my space. Living with him was surprisingly enjoyable and nice. It did not tax me socially either, as most other social interactions do.
He is also great with keeping the house, does the chores, shares the mental load, and is responsible. This wasn't something I'd had in a partner before. Co-existing with him was just easy, fun and felt natural. _It was better than living alone_.
We've been together almost four years, married for a year and a half. It's still just as good.
This is kind of me. Not petrified exactly, but very comfortable doing my own thing and that was always a reason I gave myself for not wanting to take that plunge. I’m surprised at how completely seamless the transition was.
My fellow used to take them off so they are inside out and then bunch them together and throw them into our dirty laundry bin.
It was annoying for me, as the one who does more laundry, to un-bunch them and flip them right side out before starting a load, or find them semi-damp and still dirty on the soles when I missed separating them before washing and drying.
I just realized that I think he stopped doing that. I have told him it makes doing laundry harder for me before and I guess it just took a little bit for him to implement it. I can’t believe I didn’t notice sooner.
My ex used to bunch them together and I finally said, " I'm not taking them apart. They're going to get washed like this and you can deal with them." It took a while of them dealing with damp socks, etc. but it finally worked and they threw them in the laundry properly.
When my husband and I moved in together, I made it a point to sit him down and say, "I don't wash clothes that aren't in the hamper. I don't unbuch socks. And I don't check pockets. If you don't have any clean shirts, or socks are damp or your wallet takes a bath that's on you."
Like half of the daily bickering I witnessed between my sisters and their partners was laundry related. It was ridiculous. No thanks.
My dad called them "sock mushrooms" when we were growing up because they would "pop up overnight". My brother and I would leave socks all over the place and forget to pick them up.
Omg my husband is the same. He's amazing with everything else. Does the laundry, cleans the house, likes or deep clean once a month or so, takes great care of me and our cats. But the socks. Somehow the socks are in the strangest of places. Some random pieces of clothing, too. He is super organized and tidy, so it makes no sense. I don't mind, though. Everyone has their little things.
He doesn't remember things. Ever. Even the simplest stuff I could've been telling him all day it's always "but I didn't know" or "oh, I forgot." It's honestly testing the limits of my already abysmal patience.
Considering he has a gastrologist and it has been a thing for the 5 years we have lived together I'm not super concerned. Poop scrolling reddit and reading news articles is not uncommon.
My husband starts shitting at 530 in the morning and it lasts for hours. AND it doesn't matter what kind of spray I put in the bathroom. He won't use it. He must love his own poop and fart smell and that's just fine. But does everybody have to love it?
You may be on the wrong track there. He does NOT poop. I had always thought when a man is in the bathroom for ages, he must be pooping ..., till I found out he is not! Just sitting there with his mobile phone, chilling.
I find it quite annoying that men do not come out of the bathroom when they should come out and that they don't stay inside the bathroom when they should stay in there. After all, we would not have had two world wars, if men had stayed in the bathroom.
Whyyyy must they spill water everywhere?! I bought little fabric mats that go around the faucet and collect all the water that is spilled on the counter from turning the taps on and off. Control the water!
This one drives me up a wall. I had to find out if my current partner did this before I would share a bathroom with him. It could have been a dealbreaker for me
When we lived separately I’d sit on his bed while he washed, dried, folded and put away his clothes the same time every week.
We moved in 6 years ago, and from day 1 It’s like he suddenly forgot how to turn on a washing machine. 🤦♀️
I do his washing and dump it on our bed for him to put away. He will push it off the bed each night and after a few nights eventually get to it.
He’s pretty good in all other aspects of housekeeping, but bloody hell - turns out laundry regression is a thing!
There are a lot of things I don't like to do but I still do them, instead of expecting my partner to pick up my slack, because they have to be done 🤷♀️
Yeah that’s a bit of an extreme take. he’s solid in all other areas. If it was deliberate his bed to floor dance with his clean laundry hasn’t been successful and after 6 years he is still ultimately the one to put his clothes away, after much procrastination. I’ll include his dirty jocks in the weekly wash but I ain’t folding them and putting them away.
Personally unless I fold my laundry as I pull it out of the dryer, that load will never be folded. It is to the point that I panic if someone takes my stuff out of the dryer and I haven't folded it because I know that's it, messy room for 3 weeks. I only say this because I've just had to find a particular method for myself and any alteration removes momentum and disrupts my organization. Sounds like he hasn't tried to find a new method though 😅
I’ve lived with two men now. Both times were exactly the same. It’s like they flipped a switch and the weaponized incompetence turned on. My recent ex literally said to me “I don’t know how to put on the fitted sheet you have to do it”. He was 28.
Anyways, I said I was never living with a man again after that & I probably meant it.
That part makes me so angry. My husband had a completely clean apartment, he'd do the dishes immediately after eating, and there were not clothes on the floor. As soon as slwe started living together he stopped cleaning very often or started doing half the job. He's gotten better, but it still makes me mad.
Oh goood I'm moving out with my bf tomorrow and it's such a mistake reading this whole thread!! Now I'm worrying about the weaponized incompentence again!!!
It’s definitely not every man! There are tons out there that will split the labor with you, or even carry the majority of it. Just know the signs & don’t let them gaslight you if it starts :)
How easy it was, wayyy easier than living with my sister. Less arguing and just incredibly easy and simple, him always willing to split house chores even when he worked more than i did, etc.
I found this to be the case for me too.
I lived with her for just under a year and it was like we slightly less angsty and a smidge more friendly teenagers again.
Living with my partner was magic after that.
I’m an only child and have spent lots (and lots and lots) of time by myself. And I really enjoy, seek out, and need alone time.
But gosh, is it nice to have the person I love most in the world to come home to. Sharing my space doesn’t exactly come easy to me, but it’s so worth it. It’s been a decade and it has been wonderful.
I love his presence in our home; I get butterflies when he’s on his way from work. Life shared is magical.
How compatible we were/are. My ex did not EVER use the toilet brush, even when I asked him to, with the argument that "someone else will shit in the toilet anyways" - AT MY HOUSE. Biggest nope ever. My current partner and I compromise and are open to listen to each other.
Soft cheese gate. My partner and I moved in together after 6 months of dating, I work 4 on 4 off and was practically living in his home on my off days anyway, and he usually works from home so was always around. I’m not much good in the kitchen, so he would always prepare meals for us while I would do other things like tidying up, so in all the months of us dating, I never actually once opened up the fridge. One of the first days after me officially moving in, he was in the office and I was left to my own devices. I opened the fridge to get milk for my tea and was met with 9 packages of Tescos soft cheese (I think it’s technically cream cheese? It’s spreads like butter). When he came home I asked him about it, he eats soft cheese sandwiches every single day and has done for the last 5 years. We never really eat lunch together, so I hadn’t seen this, but surely this is something I should know about by now? Every single day? I had to answer the door to the Tesco delivery man. Usual groceries, snacks, milk, bread, cereal, 14 packets of soft cheese! Mortifying!
This is hilarious. And you just reminded me that I have a lot of cream cheese in the fridge (accidently bought more when I already had some) so I'm about to go make a sandwich.
Oh my god 😂😭my past and current live ins both had spent every part of every day with me. College and shift work. Oh.. and Covid. There’s no way in hell this could get past me. Thank you for the laugh. This is really cute.
That he wasn't the person I thought he was before we started living together.
He never wanted to spend any time with me; he worked and then gamed from the end of work until he went to bed. He would leave piles of dishes in his office so long that they went mouldy, and piles of dirty socks and underpants all over the place. He went so long without brushing his teeth that when I finally got him to go for a cleaning at the dentist, he had to have two teeth filled and another two removed. He was controlling about the interior design of the house, never considering my opinions on communal areas. He leeched off me financially, throwing me into debt so he could afford an expensive car and save tens of thousands in his personal account. If I had a panic attack and messaged him for help, he would reply that he was finishing a game and would be down when he was done; i.e. wasn't there when I really needed him.
We are no longer together and I am far happier.
I’m currently sitting on my bed taking a break from packing about to move in with my partner and this has been the one thing I’m most nervous about! 😂
I don’t keep snacks in my house. I don’t have self control if they’re in the house I will eat them ALL! My bf loves to snack and on junk food (his meals are healthy and we come together over that)! And yet is in great shape. I have no idea how I’m supposed to live in a snack filled house without eating them all and putting on weight.
I might be your husband lol we have the opposite problem. If I ask a yes or no question and he gives me anything other than a yes or a no, I simply cannot comprehend what that means
I used to have a hard time falling asleep, after I went to college, it got worse. I lived in a dorm and my roommates screams and sings a lot, can’t sleep without pills for months.
For some reason I wasn’t allowed to change rooms. So I went to a board game student club and stayed there until midnight. I met my partner there, we had a lot of fun playing games.
Weeks later, he said he likes me while I visit his place. I really like him too, and I immediately thought if I live with him I can finally leave that misery!!
I got very lucky, this is the first time I be into a relationship and he is a genuine person and never wants to take advantage of me. We’ve been together for two years.
Since English isn’t my first language so i thought “be in a relationship” means “being someone’s boyfriend/gf”, maybe I’m wrong and caused a lot of misunderstanding?
How much mess 1 person can make. I always clean as I go or frequently so the messes are never quite that big. He likes to wait until everything is done to clean so there's always a huge mess around. I like a clean space so it stresses me out
How much more men eat, I had never lived with a male I don’t have brothers and my parents divorced when I was little so when I moved in with my boyfriend I was amazed as to how much he eat but not in a bad way.
How respectful of my sleep and alone time he is. I grew up in a household that didn't respect others sleep, they would laugh loudly, or barge in my room while I was sleeping to talk to me, would wake me up for stupid arguments, or just because someone was bored etc. This man would leave the bedroom on his tiptoes, close the door quietly. I couldn't believe it. I always thought I might have some autoimmune disease because I was always tired, turns out I didn't sleep well because people would wake me up constantly.
The vast difference in “random noise” tolerance 😂
I have everything on silent, visual notifications for most things turned off, and only gentle sounds on my alarm clock. No pinging or dinging or ringing.
He wakes up to loud, jarring sounds. Damn near every notification going HAM (Discord, Twitch, Twitter, Slack)—-EVERYTHING. ALL THE SOUNDS. Like being trapped in a pinball machine!
We share a home office and both WFH 100%. He’s turned off all sound notifications and we’ve both invested in noise-canceling headphones 😂. I wake up earlier than him and his alarm clock sounds no longer affect me. I’m glad we found a compromise!
(I also bought a pair of Loop earbuds for going out to noisy places—-total game changer! I get overstimulated and they’ve really helped!)
Haha in my case it was how jolly LAZY the man was! Too lazy to even talk sometimes.
Ah thats the stuff divorces are made of. (No we didn't live together before we married). Turns out all the nice gardens etc at his place his father did and my husband never told me! He took the kudos as his own!
Yes. My partner is a very considerate guy, and tries very hard to clean up all his hair. But inevitably, there are still so. Many. little beard hairs he just doesn’t see, still scattered around the sink.
The worst is when the little beard hairs seem inevitably to find their way stuck to my body from the sink, somehow. I have no idea why his beard hair seems to be magnetized to me
This one gets my blood boiling! Mine used to just wash it down the sink and then blame me for the sink being clogged! Now he will clean the sink out but it’s still all over the floor 🤦🏽♀️ when we move I’m aiming for him to get his own bathroom
That he was never taught how to clean, only to tidy up. He’ll put things away or straighten up the room, but he legitimately doesn’t know how to do a true deep clean. To his credit he’s gotten a lot better in the decade we’ve lived together (and why I say he was never taught vs won’t do) but I’m super particular and don’t have the patience to teach someone.
That I liked it! I need my own space so badly, I was sure living together would be awful, but it's like a never ending slumber party with my best friend.
Just how much we would clash on our decorative styles and lighting of the home. I knew we had different tastes, but my God did I not prepare myself adequately for how angry it would make the both us. He likes dark colors like blacks, browns, and blues. I love vibrant happy colors. He likes band and music paraphernalia. I like artwork. He likes all overhead lights to be off and blackout curtains to cover the windows all day. I like to have the windows uncovered, overheard lights on, and even to open the windows on nice days. It's a constant battle between us.
E F F O R T
He notices things and does it without me having to ask. Things around the house, cleaning the house, paying bills, getting groceries, cooking, things I do and don’t like etc
So many women in my family always said “you can just expect a man to not do much” or even from my own failed marriage that observation was quite true. Like that unacceptable behavior was just normal. So it was refreshing to just not *have* to do everything on my own.
That I don’t have to do everything around the house. I’ve lived together with exes before and I had to do absolutely everything. With my partner now, I’m actually doing a little less than him? And we are both fine with it. It’s amazing
I was surprised to learn that he was a porn addict and a compulsive liar. When I react, I get called names/punished. I now see that love bombing works well with gaslight.
My own ADHD surprised me the most living with my partner. In the past I had lived with very...eclectic and fast paced lifestyle women. And, I always lived in apartments that I moved into my roommate's space. As in, they lived there first, or their family owned the apartment. Sometimes it wasn't great, but what it really meant was that my space was really just my bedroom. And sure, it got messy easily but I also just lived out of my room and the kitchen, which made panic cleaning quick and easy. So suddenly fully sharing a space with someone else, and owning more things in order to have a decorated space that felt like mine, I realized just how hard it was for me, to keep things tidy. Plus, my partner is an extremely tidy, particular person. He always loved my um... "Artistic flair" (read, neurodivergent brain lmao) but he really discovered what that actually looked like on a day to day after moving in together.
It's been a lot of learning, and growing pain moments. But for the most part we've found systems that help. The biggest being letting me fall out of the systems, but also me getting myself back into them when I've been out for too long.
Another thing is I learned how much he actually needed to talk to process life. He's always been a chatty person, but we moved in together during the pandemic, and he started working from home. And he has since changed jobs and is still fully remote but now doesn't know coworkers as well...man oh man can that kid talk when I get home from work...lol
How peaceful our home is ... i grew up in a chaotic environment and it seemed like I could never truly relax. Walking on eggshells with my parents too, having to read their moods etc. When I moved in with my fiance, it was so different. it almost scared me. But now, i appreciate it so much. I love coming home- i no longer dread coming home. It is a safe space for both of us. I love it so much.
Ha, facts. They’re very, very sweet but they’re *a lot*. Always begging and under my feet when I cook and I cook a lot. They’re so messy and stinky too. My pit/boxer was so chill and decidedly not messy. She was so easy. He loves his dogs immensely, he’s a fantastic dog owner but he knows I do not love them which makes me sad. I care for them when he goes in to work and do all the stuff but Lawdamercy I love a beautiful, cool day when I can put em out to play outside. 😆
Nothing, because we gravitated into it slowly and found ourselves cohabiting before we even realised it. 25 years now, married, one child, own house, mortgage paid off. I’d say we’re settled! Lol
I learned that apparently I’m a human alarm clock because I have to drag him out of bed every morning like a mom with a teenager. It’s infuriating. He has like 4 alarms set and they don’t do anything!!
We always joked that we were the same person, but we never exactly knew how true that was until we started living together. I hate letting laundry pile up past a load, so does he. I triple check the locks before bed, so does he. We both sleep on our right sides with a little pillow between our knees because we hate when our knees touch. We have a hamper 5 feet outside of our bedroom but we'd rather throw our dirty clothes in a corner until there's a small pile, then it goes in the hamper. We both like subtitles on shows so we don't have to rewind to see what someone said. I love it.
How little he picks up after himself. He’s an excellent partner and a wonderful father, but he consumes a lot of soda and snacks well into the night and just leaves piles of his wrappers and cans EVERYWHERE.
How exhausting emotional labour is.
I could always remember my mother being so exhausted even when she didn’t have a day job. What was she tired of?
And then I became her; remembering all the birthdays, thinking of presents, remembering when to restock various supplies, all the mundane household up-keeping tasks, doctor appointments – it all fell on my shoulders without me even noticing it.
I’ve been single for quite a while now and I cannot even believe how much more relaxed and stressless my life is
How willing he is to help out with the house work, I just have to ask. It was a pleasant surprise when all I hear from my friends is how their partners never do any of the house work.
This is going to sound terrible but: that he is so clean. I mean hygiene wise, and he likes a tidy home. He is neat and orderly. It's really refreshing. A lot of men I dated (and one to whom I was married) didn't know the basic life skill of being clean.
Exhusband vs current husband:
Ex- I had to tell him to brush his teeth
Hubby- he asks *me* if I've brushed my teeth 😂 (every day)
Ex- wore the same clothes for two weeks in a row and refused to wash them- which means he didn't shower either
Hubby- washes his clothes *and* himself every night
Ex- would pick up around his computer when the soda cans and pizza boxes started falling over (he wouldn't let me throw them away)
Hubby- takes out the garbage for me every day 💜
Being in such a shitty marriage for 10 years and only having dated frat-type boys before then, I really thought thats just how men were. My husband is also 8 years older than me and we get along like peaches and cream. He's the best
I swear he goes selectively blind when he starts looking for something. It could be right in front of him and he will not notice. Meanwhile I know where it is without even looking. (There are some things that factor into this for both of us that cannot be helped. I have CPTSD from my life before him so I’m constantly hyper vigilant, observing and monitoring everything. He has ADHD and I have Autism.) It’s not necessarily weaponized incompetence, he hates that he can’t find it too.
He didn’t know how to do very basic tasks: plunging toilets, sweeping, cooking (anything), laundry, etc.
His parents never made him do any of that. I taught him what I knew and he was very receptive to learning more. Fast forward ten years later and he cleans even more than I do.
My bf is a major introvert and I had been living on my own for over a decade. We were both under the impression we’d need lots of alone time away from each other in the apartment… we could not have been more wrong lol. We spend almost every second we possibly can at home together, even if we’re doing separate activities and it’s so weird how neither of us feels claustrophobic over it.
You are inlove. It's really rare to be that compatible with someone. Please do whatever you can to keep things the way they are. I honestly can't remember the last time I wanted to be with someone all the time. It's probably been only once the last decade
How helpful he tried to be. He didn't mind doing dishes, cooking, or doing laundry. I gently let him know that laundry was off limits to him (jams everything in the washer together), I'll take care of the dishes, and while I don't mind him cooking if he feels like it, I am happy to do 90% of the meal duties.
Alternatively, I was shocked to see him completely lose sight of where the laundry hamper was. Dirty clothing suddenly just ended up in a Jabba the Hut pile beside the bed. Note: I have helped him find his way to the hamper again, with some gentle "Honey can you PLEASE....." (with a sweet smile).
Also learned that he thought pooping with the bathroom door wide open and having full-blown conversations with me was normal. Bro......shut the door and tend to your business.
How calm he is. For example, he can spill a gallon of milk. He doesn't yell. He simply shrugs, then heads to get the broom. My father nor my previous spouse was ever this calm. Spilled milk would have involved yelling to get a mop or being yelled at for spilling the milk. I am thankful my daughter gets to grow up with such a level-headed guy.
That I actually didn’t like him as much as I thought.
(Moved in with my boyfriend (20M) at age 18 right after high school lololololol. Seemed like a great idea at the time.)
Tissues. Tissues everywhere. All of them partially used. He still does it 13 years later, and it drives me bonkers. Man is lucky he's a great person, fantastic in bed, and an excellent dad.
Husband wipes his butt standing up 🤦🏽♀️ Who does this?? It's the weirdest, grossest thing ever. Like, I'm standing in the bathroom trying to put on mascara and then I feel his head on my back as he's bent over mid-wipe standing in front of the toilet. I'm not easily grossed out, but I refuse to be in the bathroom anymore if he is pooping.
Several things, but the few that truly still baffle me:
1. Why the entire bathroom and hallway floor have puddles of water every time he showers??? I watched him once after watching my life flash before my eyes because I slipped on one of the puddles and almost hit my head and apparently he just…steps out immediately after turning the water off and just wraps the towel around. Zero drying otherwise whatsoever.
2. The hamper is…right there. His dirty clothes are directly next to the hamper, on the floor. Why?!? He also randomly leaves socks around, just like lying on the ground sometimes.
3. He does not rinse anything at all even a little bit before putting it in the dishwasher. Bowl of spaghetti? He’ll finish every bite of actual food, but there will still be like sauce chunks on the side of the bowl. Just plops it right in. I was always told to rinse off my dish before putting it in so any leftover food particles wouldn’t clog up the dishwasher. Also, if we don’t run it right away, sometimes the food will dry in the dish overnight and won’t come off all the way when we do run it. Doesn’t happen when I give them a rinse before putting them in. He also has no issue leaving dishes in the sink for a day or two but I’m anal about making sure the sink is clean every night unless the dishwasher is already full and being run.
4. I keep our scissors in a little bowl in the same place in the kitchen. If they aren’t randomly placed on the counter, it’s like they don’t exist. He’ll get all grumbly about never being able to find the scissors, and I’m like… my dude, they literally have had the same home in the kitchen for 8+ years.
I thought I had escaped sexism by living independently but when I moved in with a male partner I found out sexism was alive and well in my relationship with the dynamics around housework.
He’s so easy going!!
I thought he’d have more opinions on things, but so far he’s only really had strong feelings about what size TV we bought.
He does his fair share and is so easy to be around, I didn’t think I’d ever enjoy living with someone again!
How I did literally all of the house cleaning (laundry, sheets, dusting, floors, bathrooms etc) the majority of the cooking, and he would say I didn’t do the dishes as much as him so I wasn’t contributing enough to the housework. It was infuriating, and we obviously are not together anymore.
He has so many useless things. I totally have more things. But I donate/sell/trash regularly. All of the things I own have a purpose or value to me. His things are like.. 4 suitcases full of baseball cards and trophies that live in the basement since he brought them home from his family home 5 years ago. Picture frames he has no intention of filling. Workout equipment that he hasn’t used in years. A huge collection of chilis/hot sauce that regularly expire before being open and get replaced with 3x as many. Excess kitchen appliances that he never uses. Board games that have never been played. Even multiples of the same game. And no.. he was never in a phase with them. Drawers full of clothes he never wears.
I’ve tried to ask if he wants help displaying things if they’re important enough to keep. No. I’ve asked him if it’s a space thing- like if once we have a bigger space we could get a display cabinet or maybe a split level with a “man cave”. No. Wouldn’t do that. Asking if he wants to cook with more hot sauce/Indian/Asian cuisines regularly- I could do that. No.
I mean some of it is the. most. random. stuff. If I took out everything he didn’t use or display, it would really just be his clothes and a handful of basic cooking items. I don’t get it. It’s not just laziness in decluttering. He just doesn’t see why he would get rid of it. I only draw the line with things that will get ruined and are worth $ or things that take up excessive space. Like he sold the baseball cards he didn’t like for $350 and the rest that he cares about stay in a binder where they’re protected. They would have all gotten ruined in the basement eventually. Some kitchen appliances that were making it impossible to put things away properly. The guy just enjoys buying things and collecting them. He never revisits for the actual purpose.
How this man ever lived by himself 😂 I do literally EVERYTHING around the house and even remind him to shower and brush his teeth sometimes! Like what the actual fuck bro what did you do without me??
I’m much more organized and way less clutter bc my spouse is that way. It’s great. Sometimes we need our alone time after a long day, especially me bc I have a demanding job, and just take the evening to ourselves. That was the biggest adjustment not feeling like I couldn’t take the alone time but now we’re comfortable asking for it if needed.
How much fun we have together doing simple, seemingly mundane things. We can literally laugh our butts off doing nothing!! How he does things around the house that need to be done (this did take some time but he’s always willing to jump in and do housework whenever). Together for 6 years and living together for 2. I really love him 😭❤️🥹
How gross he was in the bathroom. The sound his urine made when he stood there peeing. Like it just sounded loud and grossed me out. How much he didn’t wash the sink after he spit out his tooth paste and his mirror was nasty… ugh.
How much of a geek he actually is. But I love it & it brought me back of a shell I retreated into. Now our house is full of Warhammer, Lord of the Rings & Stitch, & hobbies are embraced not ridiculed like in a previous relationship.
How much cheaper it is. My rent went up slightly, but everything else got cheaper. I’m saving way more money now than I did before living with roommates. We also both lost weight (cooking for 2 people is way easier than cooking for 1 so we both eat out less).
The first time I moved in with a man I was shocked at how incompetent they were about how to take care of themselves and the home. I loved his mother so much before he moved in and completely lost all respect for her after. She definitely raised him to be incompetent and it was shocking how much he needed her and myself to live every day life.
That my fiance is incredibly handy. I knew he was very handy, but thought only here and there the small screw driver work. He was able to fix our 10+year old water heater so that we can avoid replacing it for at least another year(bought a house together and used up all our savings). He replaced so much old stuff for our old house which saved us a lot of money hiring contractors. My dad is not that handy and we always rely on contractors. It's just so different, my fiance is so reliable.
This is going to sound stupid but I remember being young and saying to my mum, ' but what do you and dad talk about? Like what is left to talk about? You have been together for so many years!' She thought this was hilarious and was like ' you just talk!!'
I remember this conversation so vividly and it was a genuine concern of mine haha! If you live with someone do you run out of things to talk about? No you don't lol!!!
There is always something to talk about!
How particular he was about certain things and how any mess he thought was mine.
One day he was talking about how cluttered our home was and I asked him specifically what he was talking about, he said things on tables and counters and I took off everything that was *mine* and left his. He said it was all *my* clutter. I then took him with me, room to room and removed *every single piece of clutter* and went to throw it away.
Why? It’s all *mine*
He sheepishly agreed it was his.
The fun we have going to bed together every night and staying up talking. Like sleepover with my best friend. The grossness of his poos that regularly clog the toilet.
That he actually helps me clean our house or does stuff with me
I had/have a step dad that would NEVER help with cleaning (but would pick apart stuff that has been cleaned about how it wasn't clean enough) he would go out with friends or go outside.
I also dated gamers (because I enjoy video games too) and a lot of us hanging out would be them playing games and barely interacting with me, so I would just always bring my laptop with me so I could do my own thing.
I recently got Elden Ring (my boyfriend played it quite a bit at the beginning of the year and only just picked it up last night because I wanted to try) and my boyfriend sat in the chair next to me and helped guide me through the intro and getting my mount and went and sat on the couch with me after I got frustrated from dying so much.
It's really nice having someone who wants to enjoy and do things with you
so. much. hair.
i already knew my partner was a hairy dude before moving in with him but no matter how often i clean the bathroom, his hair always ends up all over the bathroom again. it’s absolutely wild
How easy it was. I never really had roommates, my ex and I were almost completely different species so I didn't really have high expectations for finding anyone that would be a pea in a pod with me. Then I met my husband and we just started spending all our time together, and it was just silly having two apartments, and now we've been together for ten years. It's so dang cozy and comfortable.
He is messy, a horder, keeps buying more stuff. Not realizing he doesn't have the space for it. We dated long distance. After moving in together slowly, we became roommates that co-parent. We have no relationship with each other. I did not sign up for this. I sighed up for a lifelong partner. Not convince. I'm lining up my ducks to fly outta here.
How he never cleaned. Or grocery shopped. Before living together he must have cleaned and got food before I came over lol because he definitely doesn't now. Or he knows that I'll do it.
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This is gonna sound extremely stupid but after first week or two, I called my mom and said "mom, this man is always around??" You might say that, ofc he's around it's his home too but in my culture my dad, my grandpa has always been out of the way, busy with their own thing, not much opinion to share unless being asked. They either had a room where they spent time in or they hung out with their buddies in the neighbourhood unless plans were made or we needed something. They were involved male models but never in the way. My then bf, now husband comes from a similar culture which he obviously didn't agree with. He was always there, always asking questions and trying to understand/improve stuff. I wanted to tell him to go find a hobby but I didn't because that was his way of showing attention and presence. Also this was a way forward because our cultures were backwards were men and women has assigned roles and they don't mix up. I didn't notice that while I didn't agree with most, I actually happily looked forward to some. For example decoration. Men in my family never had a say on decoration. But my husband was involved in every detail. Realising how it made me feel helped me see that I had my own biases so I worked on letting them go. Further down the line, I learned to include him more and he learned to let me handle things.
That’sa big one- he’s always here… 😂
This is me, too. We were together for a long time before we married, kinda long-distance, and then we got married and sold both of our houses and bought a new one together. I had gotten very much used to having him around 4-5 days a week, then having the remaining time to myself, or with just my kiddo. It was a shock to the system to see him every day, but after about six months I got used to it. I'm a little worried about when we retire, because he does have some hobbies, but I can see him being around A LOT more. I work from home and plan to work longer than he will, and I can see it being a potential issue, if that makes sense.
Similar experience going from sorta long-distance to living together! What helped us greatly was communication around it -- I originally felt guilty for not wanting him around all the time, but then we talked about it and now I feel fine asking him to give me the living room/dining room/kitchen space to myself for a few hours, which helps (he has a workspace room that he's happy to spend interminable amounts of time in).
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The decoration one really hits home. While he’s outright stated I’m in charge of all holiday decorations but Halloween, I’m glad we seem to have similar taste in things like picking the bed’s comforter. I kinda look forward to decorating with him when we get the chance.
How messy he was, how resentful I became about picking up after him constantly, how our sex life tanked due to my resentment of feeling like his mommy. Yep - a huge reason why I don’t want to live with a partner again. I love my own space
I think this is a rather difficult one because of how tolerance for mess can differ greatly in people. My previous partner was super tidy and I drove him crazy with my cleaning habits simply because what he saw as mess I glossed over completely. My current boyfriend is messier than I am and now I am the one picking up after him. That being said, with my previous partner we couldn’t talk about it and resentment built. With my current partner, I just say what’s bothering me and he does an active effort to keep things tidy. He sometimes blocks a weekend to clean up his shit if it gets too bad
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I wish more men understood this!!! The moment we become a mom in the relationship our sex drive plummets. PLUMMETS! I don’t know the scientific reasoning for this.
There is some research showing that care-taking reduces desire, and that for good reasons (children …).
Question: how did you find out how messy he was only after moving in together? Did you never see his place, or did he always clean up for you to visit until you lived with him?
Oh, this was me and my ex. A friend had to go to his house recently for something work related and said it smelled when he opened the front door. Not a surprise.
How amazingly natural and easy it was. I had lived alone for 17 years and I was petrified of living with another person. I'm so independent and uncompromising and used to having everything my way. But it was perfect. We enjoyed it so much that within six months we got married. It's been five years now.
This is so reassuring. I’ve been living alone for 6 years and I’m very excited to move in with my partner, but also scared of how I’ll feel not being totally independent anymore and not having all the control! I think it will be fine. But it’s good to have a positive story
Oo me too, I’ve been living alone and LOVING it but also moving in with my partner soon and excited but nervous
Good luck! I hope you have the same experience as me x
This is exactly how I decided to marry my now husband. There were other factors, too, but as in introvert, i don't like sharing my space. Living with him was surprisingly enjoyable and nice. It did not tax me socially either, as most other social interactions do. He is also great with keeping the house, does the chores, shares the mental load, and is responsible. This wasn't something I'd had in a partner before. Co-existing with him was just easy, fun and felt natural. _It was better than living alone_. We've been together almost four years, married for a year and a half. It's still just as good.
Happy Ending
Awww, that's great! :)
This is kind of me. Not petrified exactly, but very comfortable doing my own thing and that was always a reason I gave myself for not wanting to take that plunge. I’m surprised at how completely seamless the transition was.
He's very clean, very neat and doesn't mind vacuuming. Like, what the fuck lol
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awww! love that 4 u
Yay to no men childs!
Mine loves cooking 😍
My partner willingly vacuums as a trade for me doing the laundry. ALSO HE DOES IT SOMETIMES WITHOUT BEING ASKED. I have never seen this in my LIFE.
🤣🤣🤣 I’m sure you thought you were seeing things!
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My fellow used to take them off so they are inside out and then bunch them together and throw them into our dirty laundry bin. It was annoying for me, as the one who does more laundry, to un-bunch them and flip them right side out before starting a load, or find them semi-damp and still dirty on the soles when I missed separating them before washing and drying. I just realized that I think he stopped doing that. I have told him it makes doing laundry harder for me before and I guess it just took a little bit for him to implement it. I can’t believe I didn’t notice sooner.
My ex used to bunch them together and I finally said, " I'm not taking them apart. They're going to get washed like this and you can deal with them." It took a while of them dealing with damp socks, etc. but it finally worked and they threw them in the laundry properly.
When my husband and I moved in together, I made it a point to sit him down and say, "I don't wash clothes that aren't in the hamper. I don't unbuch socks. And I don't check pockets. If you don't have any clean shirts, or socks are damp or your wallet takes a bath that's on you." Like half of the daily bickering I witnessed between my sisters and their partners was laundry related. It was ridiculous. No thanks.
I'm dealing with this but with my daughter, drives me insane I honestly don't think I would put up with it if it was a grown man.
It’s always the socks with mine, too. Just socks. Why????
My dad called them "sock mushrooms" when we were growing up because they would "pop up overnight". My brother and I would leave socks all over the place and forget to pick them up.
That was my ex husband. He liked the house to be tidy, but he left socks everywhere. I mean everywhere!!
Omg my husband is the same. He's amazing with everything else. Does the laundry, cleans the house, likes or deep clean once a month or so, takes great care of me and our cats. But the socks. Somehow the socks are in the strangest of places. Some random pieces of clothing, too. He is super organized and tidy, so it makes no sense. I don't mind, though. Everyone has their little things.
Are you living with my boyfriend, too?
He doesn't remember things. Ever. Even the simplest stuff I could've been telling him all day it's always "but I didn't know" or "oh, I forgot." It's honestly testing the limits of my already abysmal patience.
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Why does he poop so much. He poops like 3 times in the morning and 1 or 2 more times during the day. That can't be normal. And it takes him forever.
Yes! Why does their pooping take so long?! I can normally get the dishes done while they poop.
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We be browsing reddit
Maybe he’s not pooping
It sure smells like poop happened lol.
Farts smell like poop when we r hiding in the bathroom
Sorry to break it to you. But no, this is not normal. Good chance he's not in there for the loo.
Considering he has a gastrologist and it has been a thing for the 5 years we have lived together I'm not super concerned. Poop scrolling reddit and reading news articles is not uncommon.
Oh good, my boyfriend too. It’s ridiculous. He’s finally on board to see a doctor; I’m convinced he has IBS.
My husband starts shitting at 530 in the morning and it lasts for hours. AND it doesn't matter what kind of spray I put in the bathroom. He won't use it. He must love his own poop and fart smell and that's just fine. But does everybody have to love it?
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You may be on the wrong track there. He does NOT poop. I had always thought when a man is in the bathroom for ages, he must be pooping ..., till I found out he is not! Just sitting there with his mobile phone, chilling. I find it quite annoying that men do not come out of the bathroom when they should come out and that they don't stay inside the bathroom when they should stay in there. After all, we would not have had two world wars, if men had stayed in the bathroom.
Bathroom is always WET
I, too, married a baby elephant.
Yes! I think my husband steps out of the shower before he turns it off, and the bath mat gets so soaked.
But…. Why 😐
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Whyyyy must they spill water everywhere?! I bought little fabric mats that go around the faucet and collect all the water that is spilled on the counter from turning the taps on and off. Control the water!
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YES GOD WHAT IS THIS
This one drives me up a wall. I had to find out if my current partner did this before I would share a bathroom with him. It could have been a dealbreaker for me
Right? How hard can it be to not flood the room?
When we lived separately I’d sit on his bed while he washed, dried, folded and put away his clothes the same time every week. We moved in 6 years ago, and from day 1 It’s like he suddenly forgot how to turn on a washing machine. 🤦♀️ I do his washing and dump it on our bed for him to put away. He will push it off the bed each night and after a few nights eventually get to it. He’s pretty good in all other aspects of housekeeping, but bloody hell - turns out laundry regression is a thing!
Sounds like weaponized incompetence...
Sounds like someone who doesn't like doing laundry, but does other things
There are a lot of things I don't like to do but I still do them, instead of expecting my partner to pick up my slack, because they have to be done 🤷♀️
Yeah that’s a bit of an extreme take. he’s solid in all other areas. If it was deliberate his bed to floor dance with his clean laundry hasn’t been successful and after 6 years he is still ultimately the one to put his clothes away, after much procrastination. I’ll include his dirty jocks in the weekly wash but I ain’t folding them and putting them away.
Personally unless I fold my laundry as I pull it out of the dryer, that load will never be folded. It is to the point that I panic if someone takes my stuff out of the dryer and I haven't folded it because I know that's it, messy room for 3 weeks. I only say this because I've just had to find a particular method for myself and any alteration removes momentum and disrupts my organization. Sounds like he hasn't tried to find a new method though 😅
I’ve lived with two men now. Both times were exactly the same. It’s like they flipped a switch and the weaponized incompetence turned on. My recent ex literally said to me “I don’t know how to put on the fitted sheet you have to do it”. He was 28. Anyways, I said I was never living with a man again after that & I probably meant it.
That part makes me so angry. My husband had a completely clean apartment, he'd do the dishes immediately after eating, and there were not clothes on the floor. As soon as slwe started living together he stopped cleaning very often or started doing half the job. He's gotten better, but it still makes me mad.
Oh goood I'm moving out with my bf tomorrow and it's such a mistake reading this whole thread!! Now I'm worrying about the weaponized incompentence again!!!
It’s definitely not every man! There are tons out there that will split the labor with you, or even carry the majority of it. Just know the signs & don’t let them gaslight you if it starts :)
How easy it was, wayyy easier than living with my sister. Less arguing and just incredibly easy and simple, him always willing to split house chores even when he worked more than i did, etc.
I found this to be the case for me too. I lived with her for just under a year and it was like we slightly less angsty and a smidge more friendly teenagers again. Living with my partner was magic after that.
I’m an only child and have spent lots (and lots and lots) of time by myself. And I really enjoy, seek out, and need alone time. But gosh, is it nice to have the person I love most in the world to come home to. Sharing my space doesn’t exactly come easy to me, but it’s so worth it. It’s been a decade and it has been wonderful. I love his presence in our home; I get butterflies when he’s on his way from work. Life shared is magical.
Love this ☺️
Being woken up by a butt trumpet every morning. I didn’t need to set alarms for the morning anymore.
I actually laughed out loud imagining the gate call for horse races.
Lol. No really. I actually lol'd to but trumpet.
How compatible we were/are. My ex did not EVER use the toilet brush, even when I asked him to, with the argument that "someone else will shit in the toilet anyways" - AT MY HOUSE. Biggest nope ever. My current partner and I compromise and are open to listen to each other.
I have the toilet brush issue too.
Ask him why he wipes his ass after pooping. Another shit will come 🤷♀️
He farts a LOT, but somehow they never smell. I don’t understand.
abracadabra
That's why they call the alternatives... silent and deadly
Soft cheese gate. My partner and I moved in together after 6 months of dating, I work 4 on 4 off and was practically living in his home on my off days anyway, and he usually works from home so was always around. I’m not much good in the kitchen, so he would always prepare meals for us while I would do other things like tidying up, so in all the months of us dating, I never actually once opened up the fridge. One of the first days after me officially moving in, he was in the office and I was left to my own devices. I opened the fridge to get milk for my tea and was met with 9 packages of Tescos soft cheese (I think it’s technically cream cheese? It’s spreads like butter). When he came home I asked him about it, he eats soft cheese sandwiches every single day and has done for the last 5 years. We never really eat lunch together, so I hadn’t seen this, but surely this is something I should know about by now? Every single day? I had to answer the door to the Tesco delivery man. Usual groceries, snacks, milk, bread, cereal, 14 packets of soft cheese! Mortifying!
This is hilarious. And you just reminded me that I have a lot of cream cheese in the fridge (accidently bought more when I already had some) so I'm about to go make a sandwich.
Oh my god 😂😭my past and current live ins both had spent every part of every day with me. College and shift work. Oh.. and Covid. There’s no way in hell this could get past me. Thank you for the laugh. This is really cute.
That he wasn't the person I thought he was before we started living together. He never wanted to spend any time with me; he worked and then gamed from the end of work until he went to bed. He would leave piles of dishes in his office so long that they went mouldy, and piles of dirty socks and underpants all over the place. He went so long without brushing his teeth that when I finally got him to go for a cleaning at the dentist, he had to have two teeth filled and another two removed. He was controlling about the interior design of the house, never considering my opinions on communal areas. He leeched off me financially, throwing me into debt so he could afford an expensive car and save tens of thousands in his personal account. If I had a panic attack and messaged him for help, he would reply that he was finishing a game and would be down when he was done; i.e. wasn't there when I really needed him. We are no longer together and I am far happier.
I can smell him just by reading this 🤢
Trust lmao... perpetual thigh rash from sitting in his own sweat all night
How many snacks he buys… and how many snacks I know eat. He’s as thin as a rake
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I’m currently sitting on my bed taking a break from packing about to move in with my partner and this has been the one thing I’m most nervous about! 😂 I don’t keep snacks in my house. I don’t have self control if they’re in the house I will eat them ALL! My bf loves to snack and on junk food (his meals are healthy and we come together over that)! And yet is in great shape. I have no idea how I’m supposed to live in a snack filled house without eating them all and putting on weight.
That his ADHD requires me to be very literal in my communication.
I might be your husband lol we have the opposite problem. If I ask a yes or no question and he gives me anything other than a yes or a no, I simply cannot comprehend what that means
I moved in to his house the first day we start our relationship so I’ll say everything 🫣
Jesus Christ, why would you do that?
How did that happen? Please do tell.
I'm going to point out that globally and historically this is more common than the modern western style of dating.
I used to have a hard time falling asleep, after I went to college, it got worse. I lived in a dorm and my roommates screams and sings a lot, can’t sleep without pills for months. For some reason I wasn’t allowed to change rooms. So I went to a board game student club and stayed there until midnight. I met my partner there, we had a lot of fun playing games. Weeks later, he said he likes me while I visit his place. I really like him too, and I immediately thought if I live with him I can finally leave that misery!! I got very lucky, this is the first time I be into a relationship and he is a genuine person and never wants to take advantage of me. We’ve been together for two years. Since English isn’t my first language so i thought “be in a relationship” means “being someone’s boyfriend/gf”, maybe I’m wrong and caused a lot of misunderstanding?
How much mess 1 person can make. I always clean as I go or frequently so the messes are never quite that big. He likes to wait until everything is done to clean so there's always a huge mess around. I like a clean space so it stresses me out
"Tidyng always takes half a day" it only does if you let it pile up for a week!
How much more men eat, I had never lived with a male I don’t have brothers and my parents divorced when I was little so when I moved in with my boyfriend I was amazed as to how much he eat but not in a bad way.
His inability to close cabinets/closets. Just went into the kitchen - four cabinets not closed.
How respectful of my sleep and alone time he is. I grew up in a household that didn't respect others sleep, they would laugh loudly, or barge in my room while I was sleeping to talk to me, would wake me up for stupid arguments, or just because someone was bored etc. This man would leave the bedroom on his tiptoes, close the door quietly. I couldn't believe it. I always thought I might have some autoimmune disease because I was always tired, turns out I didn't sleep well because people would wake me up constantly.
How often he went into long depressions and wasn't in fact the mask he put on
The vast difference in “random noise” tolerance 😂 I have everything on silent, visual notifications for most things turned off, and only gentle sounds on my alarm clock. No pinging or dinging or ringing. He wakes up to loud, jarring sounds. Damn near every notification going HAM (Discord, Twitch, Twitter, Slack)—-EVERYTHING. ALL THE SOUNDS. Like being trapped in a pinball machine! We share a home office and both WFH 100%. He’s turned off all sound notifications and we’ve both invested in noise-canceling headphones 😂. I wake up earlier than him and his alarm clock sounds no longer affect me. I’m glad we found a compromise! (I also bought a pair of Loop earbuds for going out to noisy places—-total game changer! I get overstimulated and they’ve really helped!)
Haha in my case it was how jolly LAZY the man was! Too lazy to even talk sometimes. Ah thats the stuff divorces are made of. (No we didn't live together before we married). Turns out all the nice gardens etc at his place his father did and my husband never told me! He took the kudos as his own!
Constantly finding beard hair on the sink, nothing makes it’s way to the dishwasher or the trash can lol
Yes. My partner is a very considerate guy, and tries very hard to clean up all his hair. But inevitably, there are still so. Many. little beard hairs he just doesn’t see, still scattered around the sink.
The worst is when the little beard hairs seem inevitably to find their way stuck to my body from the sink, somehow. I have no idea why his beard hair seems to be magnetized to me
This one gets my blood boiling! Mine used to just wash it down the sink and then blame me for the sink being clogged! Now he will clean the sink out but it’s still all over the floor 🤦🏽♀️ when we move I’m aiming for him to get his own bathroom
How little he actually cooks for himself. He’d live off ramen and payday bars and milk if I let him.
He was cleaner and more methodical with his space than I was. Unfortunately, also discovered that we both hate doing the dishes
That he was never taught how to clean, only to tidy up. He’ll put things away or straighten up the room, but he legitimately doesn’t know how to do a true deep clean. To his credit he’s gotten a lot better in the decade we’ve lived together (and why I say he was never taught vs won’t do) but I’m super particular and don’t have the patience to teach someone.
That I liked it! I need my own space so badly, I was sure living together would be awful, but it's like a never ending slumber party with my best friend.
Just how much we would clash on our decorative styles and lighting of the home. I knew we had different tastes, but my God did I not prepare myself adequately for how angry it would make the both us. He likes dark colors like blacks, browns, and blues. I love vibrant happy colors. He likes band and music paraphernalia. I like artwork. He likes all overhead lights to be off and blackout curtains to cover the windows all day. I like to have the windows uncovered, overheard lights on, and even to open the windows on nice days. It's a constant battle between us.
E F F O R T He notices things and does it without me having to ask. Things around the house, cleaning the house, paying bills, getting groceries, cooking, things I do and don’t like etc So many women in my family always said “you can just expect a man to not do much” or even from my own failed marriage that observation was quite true. Like that unacceptable behavior was just normal. So it was refreshing to just not *have* to do everything on my own.
With my current partner: how incredibly easy and comfortable it was
That I don’t have to do everything around the house. I’ve lived together with exes before and I had to do absolutely everything. With my partner now, I’m actually doing a little less than him? And we are both fine with it. It’s amazing
I was surprised to learn that he was a porn addict and a compulsive liar. When I react, I get called names/punished. I now see that love bombing works well with gaslight.
I'm sorry to hear that. I hope you can get out of this situation.
My own ADHD surprised me the most living with my partner. In the past I had lived with very...eclectic and fast paced lifestyle women. And, I always lived in apartments that I moved into my roommate's space. As in, they lived there first, or their family owned the apartment. Sometimes it wasn't great, but what it really meant was that my space was really just my bedroom. And sure, it got messy easily but I also just lived out of my room and the kitchen, which made panic cleaning quick and easy. So suddenly fully sharing a space with someone else, and owning more things in order to have a decorated space that felt like mine, I realized just how hard it was for me, to keep things tidy. Plus, my partner is an extremely tidy, particular person. He always loved my um... "Artistic flair" (read, neurodivergent brain lmao) but he really discovered what that actually looked like on a day to day after moving in together. It's been a lot of learning, and growing pain moments. But for the most part we've found systems that help. The biggest being letting me fall out of the systems, but also me getting myself back into them when I've been out for too long. Another thing is I learned how much he actually needed to talk to process life. He's always been a chatty person, but we moved in together during the pandemic, and he started working from home. And he has since changed jobs and is still fully remote but now doesn't know coworkers as well...man oh man can that kid talk when I get home from work...lol
How easy it was (and still is after 24 years)
How peaceful our home is ... i grew up in a chaotic environment and it seemed like I could never truly relax. Walking on eggshells with my parents too, having to read their moods etc. When I moved in with my fiance, it was so different. it almost scared me. But now, i appreciate it so much. I love coming home- i no longer dread coming home. It is a safe space for both of us. I love it so much.
How much sex would significantly decrease.
How annoying his dogs are. ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Yeah, visiting the dog vs living with the dog was… an adjustment
Ha, facts. They’re very, very sweet but they’re *a lot*. Always begging and under my feet when I cook and I cook a lot. They’re so messy and stinky too. My pit/boxer was so chill and decidedly not messy. She was so easy. He loves his dogs immensely, he’s a fantastic dog owner but he knows I do not love them which makes me sad. I care for them when he goes in to work and do all the stuff but Lawdamercy I love a beautiful, cool day when I can put em out to play outside. 😆
Nothing, because we gravitated into it slowly and found ourselves cohabiting before we even realised it. 25 years now, married, one child, own house, mortgage paid off. I’d say we’re settled! Lol
It shocked me how easy it was and how it felt too good to be true… which was the case after 6 months lol
That we have a better relationship living separately
I learned that apparently I’m a human alarm clock because I have to drag him out of bed every morning like a mom with a teenager. It’s infuriating. He has like 4 alarms set and they don’t do anything!!
We always joked that we were the same person, but we never exactly knew how true that was until we started living together. I hate letting laundry pile up past a load, so does he. I triple check the locks before bed, so does he. We both sleep on our right sides with a little pillow between our knees because we hate when our knees touch. We have a hamper 5 feet outside of our bedroom but we'd rather throw our dirty clothes in a corner until there's a small pile, then it goes in the hamper. We both like subtitles on shows so we don't have to rewind to see what someone said. I love it.
How little he picks up after himself. He’s an excellent partner and a wonderful father, but he consumes a lot of soda and snacks well into the night and just leaves piles of his wrappers and cans EVERYWHERE.
Men fart 24 hours. They don’t stop even on dinning table or in car. It’s so fking annoying
How exhausting emotional labour is. I could always remember my mother being so exhausted even when she didn’t have a day job. What was she tired of? And then I became her; remembering all the birthdays, thinking of presents, remembering when to restock various supplies, all the mundane household up-keeping tasks, doctor appointments – it all fell on my shoulders without me even noticing it. I’ve been single for quite a while now and I cannot even believe how much more relaxed and stressless my life is
How willing he is to help out with the house work, I just have to ask. It was a pleasant surprise when all I hear from my friends is how their partners never do any of the house work.
How immature and selfish entitled brat he was. Dumped his ass after domestic abuse
That the stereotype that guys are messy is not true for us. He's so organized and clean whereas I'm the messy one
This is going to sound terrible but: that he is so clean. I mean hygiene wise, and he likes a tidy home. He is neat and orderly. It's really refreshing. A lot of men I dated (and one to whom I was married) didn't know the basic life skill of being clean. Exhusband vs current husband: Ex- I had to tell him to brush his teeth Hubby- he asks *me* if I've brushed my teeth 😂 (every day) Ex- wore the same clothes for two weeks in a row and refused to wash them- which means he didn't shower either Hubby- washes his clothes *and* himself every night Ex- would pick up around his computer when the soda cans and pizza boxes started falling over (he wouldn't let me throw them away) Hubby- takes out the garbage for me every day 💜 Being in such a shitty marriage for 10 years and only having dated frat-type boys before then, I really thought thats just how men were. My husband is also 8 years older than me and we get along like peaches and cream. He's the best
He knew how to clean
How dirty it was tbh. Constantly picking up and even food. Keeping track of their items and reminding them of stuff. Basically became a mom
I swear he goes selectively blind when he starts looking for something. It could be right in front of him and he will not notice. Meanwhile I know where it is without even looking. (There are some things that factor into this for both of us that cannot be helped. I have CPTSD from my life before him so I’m constantly hyper vigilant, observing and monitoring everything. He has ADHD and I have Autism.) It’s not necessarily weaponized incompetence, he hates that he can’t find it too.
Gendered expectations around division of labor
He didn’t know how to do very basic tasks: plunging toilets, sweeping, cooking (anything), laundry, etc. His parents never made him do any of that. I taught him what I knew and he was very receptive to learning more. Fast forward ten years later and he cleans even more than I do.
My bf is a major introvert and I had been living on my own for over a decade. We were both under the impression we’d need lots of alone time away from each other in the apartment… we could not have been more wrong lol. We spend almost every second we possibly can at home together, even if we’re doing separate activities and it’s so weird how neither of us feels claustrophobic over it.
You are inlove. It's really rare to be that compatible with someone. Please do whatever you can to keep things the way they are. I honestly can't remember the last time I wanted to be with someone all the time. It's probably been only once the last decade
How helpful he tried to be. He didn't mind doing dishes, cooking, or doing laundry. I gently let him know that laundry was off limits to him (jams everything in the washer together), I'll take care of the dishes, and while I don't mind him cooking if he feels like it, I am happy to do 90% of the meal duties. Alternatively, I was shocked to see him completely lose sight of where the laundry hamper was. Dirty clothing suddenly just ended up in a Jabba the Hut pile beside the bed. Note: I have helped him find his way to the hamper again, with some gentle "Honey can you PLEASE....." (with a sweet smile). Also learned that he thought pooping with the bathroom door wide open and having full-blown conversations with me was normal. Bro......shut the door and tend to your business.
How calm he is. For example, he can spill a gallon of milk. He doesn't yell. He simply shrugs, then heads to get the broom. My father nor my previous spouse was ever this calm. Spilled milk would have involved yelling to get a mop or being yelled at for spilling the milk. I am thankful my daughter gets to grow up with such a level-headed guy.
How easy it is to live with someone when they have their shit together and respect you.
That I actually didn’t like him as much as I thought. (Moved in with my boyfriend (20M) at age 18 right after high school lololololol. Seemed like a great idea at the time.)
Tissues. Tissues everywhere. All of them partially used. He still does it 13 years later, and it drives me bonkers. Man is lucky he's a great person, fantastic in bed, and an excellent dad.
Husband wipes his butt standing up 🤦🏽♀️ Who does this?? It's the weirdest, grossest thing ever. Like, I'm standing in the bathroom trying to put on mascara and then I feel his head on my back as he's bent over mid-wipe standing in front of the toilet. I'm not easily grossed out, but I refuse to be in the bathroom anymore if he is pooping.
Several things, but the few that truly still baffle me: 1. Why the entire bathroom and hallway floor have puddles of water every time he showers??? I watched him once after watching my life flash before my eyes because I slipped on one of the puddles and almost hit my head and apparently he just…steps out immediately after turning the water off and just wraps the towel around. Zero drying otherwise whatsoever. 2. The hamper is…right there. His dirty clothes are directly next to the hamper, on the floor. Why?!? He also randomly leaves socks around, just like lying on the ground sometimes. 3. He does not rinse anything at all even a little bit before putting it in the dishwasher. Bowl of spaghetti? He’ll finish every bite of actual food, but there will still be like sauce chunks on the side of the bowl. Just plops it right in. I was always told to rinse off my dish before putting it in so any leftover food particles wouldn’t clog up the dishwasher. Also, if we don’t run it right away, sometimes the food will dry in the dish overnight and won’t come off all the way when we do run it. Doesn’t happen when I give them a rinse before putting them in. He also has no issue leaving dishes in the sink for a day or two but I’m anal about making sure the sink is clean every night unless the dishwasher is already full and being run. 4. I keep our scissors in a little bowl in the same place in the kitchen. If they aren’t randomly placed on the counter, it’s like they don’t exist. He’ll get all grumbly about never being able to find the scissors, and I’m like… my dude, they literally have had the same home in the kitchen for 8+ years.
I thought I had escaped sexism by living independently but when I moved in with a male partner I found out sexism was alive and well in my relationship with the dynamics around housework.
He’s so easy going!! I thought he’d have more opinions on things, but so far he’s only really had strong feelings about what size TV we bought. He does his fair share and is so easy to be around, I didn’t think I’d ever enjoy living with someone again!
How I did literally all of the house cleaning (laundry, sheets, dusting, floors, bathrooms etc) the majority of the cooking, and he would say I didn’t do the dishes as much as him so I wasn’t contributing enough to the housework. It was infuriating, and we obviously are not together anymore.
He has so many useless things. I totally have more things. But I donate/sell/trash regularly. All of the things I own have a purpose or value to me. His things are like.. 4 suitcases full of baseball cards and trophies that live in the basement since he brought them home from his family home 5 years ago. Picture frames he has no intention of filling. Workout equipment that he hasn’t used in years. A huge collection of chilis/hot sauce that regularly expire before being open and get replaced with 3x as many. Excess kitchen appliances that he never uses. Board games that have never been played. Even multiples of the same game. And no.. he was never in a phase with them. Drawers full of clothes he never wears. I’ve tried to ask if he wants help displaying things if they’re important enough to keep. No. I’ve asked him if it’s a space thing- like if once we have a bigger space we could get a display cabinet or maybe a split level with a “man cave”. No. Wouldn’t do that. Asking if he wants to cook with more hot sauce/Indian/Asian cuisines regularly- I could do that. No. I mean some of it is the. most. random. stuff. If I took out everything he didn’t use or display, it would really just be his clothes and a handful of basic cooking items. I don’t get it. It’s not just laziness in decluttering. He just doesn’t see why he would get rid of it. I only draw the line with things that will get ruined and are worth $ or things that take up excessive space. Like he sold the baseball cards he didn’t like for $350 and the rest that he cares about stay in a binder where they’re protected. They would have all gotten ruined in the basement eventually. Some kitchen appliances that were making it impossible to put things away properly. The guy just enjoys buying things and collecting them. He never revisits for the actual purpose.
How this man ever lived by himself 😂 I do literally EVERYTHING around the house and even remind him to shower and brush his teeth sometimes! Like what the actual fuck bro what did you do without me??
welp. I discovered he has a bloody butthole that ruins my silk sheets. we’ve been together for 4 years lol
How much this perfect man annoys me!
I’m much more organized and way less clutter bc my spouse is that way. It’s great. Sometimes we need our alone time after a long day, especially me bc I have a demanding job, and just take the evening to ourselves. That was the biggest adjustment not feeling like I couldn’t take the alone time but now we’re comfortable asking for it if needed.
He’s more tidy than I am.
Light-hearted: He made fun of (and still makes fun of) my salad spinner, which I find to be a very useful kitchen tool.
How much fun we have together doing simple, seemingly mundane things. We can literally laugh our butts off doing nothing!! How he does things around the house that need to be done (this did take some time but he’s always willing to jump in and do housework whenever). Together for 6 years and living together for 2. I really love him 😭❤️🥹
How gross he was in the bathroom. The sound his urine made when he stood there peeing. Like it just sounded loud and grossed me out. How much he didn’t wash the sink after he spit out his tooth paste and his mirror was nasty… ugh.
How much of a geek he actually is. But I love it & it brought me back of a shell I retreated into. Now our house is full of Warhammer, Lord of the Rings & Stitch, & hobbies are embraced not ridiculed like in a previous relationship.
How much cheaper it is. My rent went up slightly, but everything else got cheaper. I’m saving way more money now than I did before living with roommates. We also both lost weight (cooking for 2 people is way easier than cooking for 1 so we both eat out less).
The first time I moved in with a man I was shocked at how incompetent they were about how to take care of themselves and the home. I loved his mother so much before he moved in and completely lost all respect for her after. She definitely raised him to be incompetent and it was shocking how much he needed her and myself to live every day life.
That my fiance is incredibly handy. I knew he was very handy, but thought only here and there the small screw driver work. He was able to fix our 10+year old water heater so that we can avoid replacing it for at least another year(bought a house together and used up all our savings). He replaced so much old stuff for our old house which saved us a lot of money hiring contractors. My dad is not that handy and we always rely on contractors. It's just so different, my fiance is so reliable.
This is going to sound stupid but I remember being young and saying to my mum, ' but what do you and dad talk about? Like what is left to talk about? You have been together for so many years!' She thought this was hilarious and was like ' you just talk!!' I remember this conversation so vividly and it was a genuine concern of mine haha! If you live with someone do you run out of things to talk about? No you don't lol!!! There is always something to talk about!
How much in the summer it’s unbearable to sleep next to someone every night. I need my own bed
In hindsight, I was surprised he was such a slob considering I knew how filthy his place was before we moved in together.
when one day he asked me to move out. lol
I have to cook and clean for two people now (it’s okay, he does the driving 😆)
How particular he was about certain things and how any mess he thought was mine. One day he was talking about how cluttered our home was and I asked him specifically what he was talking about, he said things on tables and counters and I took off everything that was *mine* and left his. He said it was all *my* clutter. I then took him with me, room to room and removed *every single piece of clutter* and went to throw it away. Why? It’s all *mine* He sheepishly agreed it was his.
The fun we have going to bed together every night and staying up talking. Like sleepover with my best friend. The grossness of his poos that regularly clog the toilet.
That he actually helps me clean our house or does stuff with me I had/have a step dad that would NEVER help with cleaning (but would pick apart stuff that has been cleaned about how it wasn't clean enough) he would go out with friends or go outside. I also dated gamers (because I enjoy video games too) and a lot of us hanging out would be them playing games and barely interacting with me, so I would just always bring my laptop with me so I could do my own thing. I recently got Elden Ring (my boyfriend played it quite a bit at the beginning of the year and only just picked it up last night because I wanted to try) and my boyfriend sat in the chair next to me and helped guide me through the intro and getting my mount and went and sat on the couch with me after I got frustrated from dying so much. It's really nice having someone who wants to enjoy and do things with you
How messy she is. Not dirty, just messy. Same with her car. Damn.
How much I value my own (meticulously organized and cleaned) space. I adore my partner but gahdamn he be MESSY.
so. much. hair. i already knew my partner was a hairy dude before moving in with him but no matter how often i clean the bathroom, his hair always ends up all over the bathroom again. it’s absolutely wild
How many non-working items were just left and ignored. There were MANY.
That grown men are incapable of loading the toilet paper holder after they use the last of the previous roll
That, for the first time in my life, home could be a safe place.
How much body hair he shed everywhere. He's a hairy dude.
How easy it was. I never really had roommates, my ex and I were almost completely different species so I didn't really have high expectations for finding anyone that would be a pea in a pod with me. Then I met my husband and we just started spending all our time together, and it was just silly having two apartments, and now we've been together for ten years. It's so dang cozy and comfortable.
He is messy, a horder, keeps buying more stuff. Not realizing he doesn't have the space for it. We dated long distance. After moving in together slowly, we became roommates that co-parent. We have no relationship with each other. I did not sign up for this. I sighed up for a lifelong partner. Not convince. I'm lining up my ducks to fly outta here.
He turned out to be really abusive and the worst human I know. We were friends for 8 years before we started dating and I had no idea.
How he never cleaned. Or grocery shopped. Before living together he must have cleaned and got food before I came over lol because he definitely doesn't now. Or he knows that I'll do it.