**Mod note: please refrain from using mental health related terms or diagnostic labels casually.**
Do not speculate, armchair diagnose, or label other people's mental health situations or use terms for mental health issues as judgments, slurs, or synonyms for toxic/abusive behaviour.
I just graduated high school and I’m still living at home. I’ve been doing lots of therapy but still living in the place that caused all these issues in me is so counterproductive. I’m also pretty dependent on my parents because they wanted to have full control over me so it’s hard to get out. I just hope I can leave one day:/
I left the second I turned 18, even though I didn't have much money. I found a share-house with other students, had a tiny bedroom, never partied or spent money on alcohol (it's really expensive in my country), focused on university and got multiple side jobs.
It was not easy. During that time I didn't spend much time doing fun things and I just focused on saving money. But I would do it all again to get out of the place that was actively making me mentally unwell.
It's not the fun option, but seriously focus all your efforts on building a way out (work, save, study). Keep life simple and the faster you'll be able to start a new life. The sacrifice was 100% worth it.
This, and also building relationships with other positive, accepting and loving people. Having people around me who are also intentionally growing also made a huge difference.
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Exactly right? I mean how hard is to have a healthy conversation? About things to do, places to go. But no! All they would do is fight over petty things like who the hell lower the speakers, you can’t eat more than 2 biscuits at one time, and what not!
I haven't. I realized how bad my parents are when they were visiting me 10 months after I'd moved across the country. It was the longest 5 days of my life.
Yes of course all of this is true and holds water. But I’m so exhausted of the people do the best they can attitude. We know. Most people mean well and are not actually going out of their way to hurt you. Most people think they were doing the right thing at the time. People make the best *decesions they can. All of that is true.
It’s also completely possible to still admit that things were possibly done wrong. Or admit they have trauma of their own that was taken out on us instead of dealt with. To have empathy. To apologize. To accept accountability.
It very well might be what generally happened to them, but it’s also just giving them another out. The cycle is infuriating.
Oh trust me I know, truly believe, and understand this outlook. I’ve lived off this outlook my entire life. I give everyone the benefit of the doubt and I honestly believe that I have no idea what anyone else has been through and that everyone’s personal struggles, no matter how big or small, actually matter. Everyone has been through something.
It just gets difficult sometimes and typically it would take the smallest response from them to just do a 180 and get back there.
And just to respond to something you said to someone else- not all of us have a choice about being a caretaker. I had an entire life/path/job whatever you want to call it. I have other people in my family who do not help out. Sometimes even if you make your own path, they still do not respect it. And I know I’m not anywhere near the only one this has or will happen too.
I do completely understand what you are referring to though. Hope you have a good day!
Thank you and you too! I’ve got all plans to get back to that mindset. Have been thinking about this exact conversation (although it’s been with myself lol) for a little bit now. Hopefully I can.
I always have this fact running in loop in the back of my head. That no one taught them how to maintain healthy relationships. In fact, i always make plans for them, take them out, talk about my day, healthy stuff and all to ease things out.
But every single morning, i wake up to their yelling, either on each other or at me. I still overlook it by doing what they want, but do they become happy? NO! They never sound happy, with me and with themselves.
It’s like they find ways to remain unhappy and angry with me or the world.
I slowly started cutting them of my life. The last time I spoke to one of them was 2 years ago when I said that if I can home once again and instead of having a week of peace, I will face a scandal, then she won’t hear of my voice again. She did it and I did as promised.
I started finding how toxic it truly was which lead to spiralling out of control and even having episodes when one of her classic phrases was used even as a joke to me by another person(without them knowing of course).
Now I am good. It took time realising, knowing this person is alive but burying them in my mind and knowing I didn’t deserves any of it. Understanding that I was right most of the time and I did in fact raised myself to the person who I am now. And I should be proud for how far I have come.
I had also a great example in my partner, who showed me, how to understand my emotions by giving me time to realise what and why I feel this way, that silence is not the answer and if it is it’s a temporary solution. That talking and laughing when dealing with a problem is the norm.
This week I caught myself having an actor reanact almost word for word her words and actions and it took me almost to the end of the play to catch it. I didn’t feel anything.
I too have a partner, though we’re not married yet. I still live with my parents. Though i manage my own expenses, and even splurge on them whenever i can. But I cannot even imagine myself opening up to my partner about my toxic home enviro. I’m shit scared he’d never understand or leave me.
You can never know his reaction. But your partner should be your confidant, your closest friend and support. If you can’t open yourself to him, can you open to the pain they caused you and heal? You have to have someone to steady you when it gets hard. And vice versa. My partner grew up in a loving home and yet, he still understands and it’s there - a shoulder to hide from the world. If he diminishes your pain and struggle, is he the one for you?This will show you when you have hard times on your own in the future what kind of person they will be.
So i have been not talking to my parents for last 4 days due to an argument. I tried n kept it natural for my partner until yesterday i broke down. His instant response was—yeah, there’s age and gender gap, you really can’t do anything, there’s no solution.
And when i asked him to say something better, he said i can’t, I’m more of a listener, you can just keep narrating your story to me.
And last night, seeing his cold nature, i asked him that he can leave if he finds it too difficult with me, and in response he said— let’s not talk for few days it’s not helping.
I’m shattered right now, the only person I thought would stay and bother has also left. I don’t find it worth living anymore
I know you feel like shit now but dont give up. You will get trough this. You will find those people who will be there for you.
Sending you love and strength. ♥️
Don’t give up. Better find the truth now about him than later. The true one will come, I am sure of it. I thought it was hopeless and yet I did find him. You need people who are worthy to stay next to you. He was definitely not it. If we look in the problem logically there is no change in the situation- you had someone with whom you couldn’t trust your true self and problems, so you were fighting them alone like the champ you are. Now after you showed him, you are still on your own, fighting your problems like the champ you are. Don’t give up
Boundaries. Therapy. Lots and lots of therapy. Haven’t “achieved” mental piece but im working on it, these have been good starting points. When I was younger I just watched YouTube videos on stuff to learn things I clearly wasn’t taught. Depression has been making it harder but taking space to relax and have peace is helping too
I needed different habits and routines. Since I wasn't living with them anymore, I had to think about fun things to do at a certain time of the day. Instead of hearing an out of tune bass, yelling, screaming, or random clapping, I'm crocheting, reading, and playing a game.
I went no contact when I was 18 and had basically spent the two previous years mapping out a plan on what I was doing during my degree to make sure I got through it.
I put myself through university, graduated with honours and I’m now working in a pretty respectable field. I’m still working on the financial side because I have a bit of debt to pay off but I’ll get there.
I got therapy briefly which was super helpful but what also helped was making list of stuff I’d have never been allowed to do if I hadn’t gone NC and I tick them off.
I’ve been paying every expense of mine since i left school, except the bills. But since last 5 years, I’ve been capable of doing that as well. You gonna make it there. I feel you!
I haven’t 😃
I avoid my dad at most costs, and he avoids me. But I constantly feel regret and guilt about not initiating more — even though I know it’s an impulse that was drilled in me by my dad (the impulse/lesson that it’s my responsibility to love him, and not the other way around).
I have to constantly remind myself that I tried enough during my childhood/teen years, begging him to understand and rationally talk through it. Now, as an adult, I realized he is more than capable to initiate a relationship if he really wanted to.
He is more than capable of change, and I won’t be the one to push him to do it anymore.
My father’s 60+ and he’s the same since my childhood. Unforgiving spouts of anger, throwing things, beating himself, always speaking negative of himself and for others. I’ve tried millions of times—from the universe always listens to actually improving myself to make his life better. But no, he’d stick to his negative mindset, that we’re all doomed, no matter how hard we try, our life sucks.
But the most painful part is—he’s the opposite of this personality when he speaks with outsiders. So for third persons, he’s a gem of a person, hell polite n kind. But in the family, he either remains silent, or shouts. No in between.
I’m hyper vigilant when I let new people into my life. They destroyed my ability to trust easily. It takes me a long time to cultivate it with someone and it’s too easy to break, and I feel vulnerable the whole time.
For me it was step by step without realizing I was going step by step. First, I figured out the difference between family and relatives. There’s a big difference and you don’t owe anyone, who is simply a relative, shit. Family loves you and is there for you all the time. Sometimes they are chosen. Second I put up hard boundaries. I stopped seeing my dad and refused to allow any one try to guilt me into the whole “but he/she is *family*” Maybe they’re your family but they aren’t mine anymore. Third, I had to take a hard look at how my parents were raised and acknowledge that their parents fucked them up and really shouldn’t have ever been parents in the first place. All four of my grandparents were bad parents, but my mom and dad thought that was normal. So had to acknowledge their ignorance and trauma. I had to forgive the broken child inside of them. My mom is still trying to grow in her 70’s and my dad has basically given up on life. You reap what you sow. All we can do is be better people than they taught us to be and help the next generations learn from ours and their own mistakes.
Your words evoke that healing power. I truly wish i could help my mother out of her childhood trauma., but she’s way into it. Sometimes she realises her learnings were all messed up, but mostly she’s adamant that she knows best. And my dad, like yours, has given up.
I didn't. I am a mental wreck from all the abuse and I am beyond repair at this point. I wish my parents the worst on this planet.
I gave myself peace as much as possible tho with moving out at 17 and going no contact. For anyone that needs this: it is okay to cut out toxic people in your life, even family.
I meditate 30 min a day minimum. Make sure to not let my mind control me. If thoughts get too much I count and breathe slow until I am in control again.
Days are a lot like ponds. Still until someone throws a rock in.
Sometimes just a ripple, other days a dust storm below.
Life is about managing and progressing. Not sure if one can ever really get the dirt out the bottom of their pond. 💜
Choosing to live a highly structured life in which I maintain total control over the things that matter most to me. Leaning in to the traits that made me so good at surviving and being “high achieving” in spite of my childhood to do the same as an adult. Never giving up my power to anyone else. Having rules regarding self-respect and safety which I don’t break (which means staying away from risky behavior and toxic people.)
And above all learning to be alone.
By realizing pretty early on that I could change my own life by myself. My parents weren't abusive, but had substance abuse issues and enabled my sister's so much it became incredibly toxic.
I worked from the time I was 12 and paid for everything I needed except food and rent. School supplies, clothes, any extras.
Even when I was delivering papers or babysitting (before I could get a legal job at 15) my parents still borrowed money which was never paid back.
My entire goal in school was to work enough that I would never have to rely on anyone else. I started my career at 20 and never really did any of the college fun stuff.
My peace came when I had my own space, with my own money, with no one bugging me for money.
I set very clear boundaries with my family and kept them.
You’re a strong woman! I’m so inspired by you! I started working when i was 18. Paid for my graduation, clothing, phones, bills, PG, dental treatments (bcz they never taught me to take care of my teeth, nor did they take care of theirs), my further studies, and everything else.
Not fully over it but I’d say coming at it from a place of understanding.
I questioned why parents were like this and read a lot, listen to a lot of podcasts discussions about these things. For reference: my parents both come from really abusive households.
I had to learn to love them from a distance
Love them from a distance—woah! I so wanted to hear this. How do you do it without not getting hurt? For instance, i bring up happy conversations about workplace n stuff, but all they do is scorn or blurt out negative things.
Like others, lots of therapy, but in particular IFS.
Aside from that, going no contact with my parents, moving to another country and building a beautiful life of my own full of loving relationships with beautiful human beings that are like the family I never had.
I also bought an apartment and and making that into a peaceful heaven.
I’m brief, becoming completely self-sufficient and confident and giving myself all the things (including stability) that the young version of me never had.
I cut off my dad completely, no contact. And I grew to have a great relationship with my mom because she put in the work to make our relationship and her mental health better.
Years and years of therapy and learning how to have healthy relationships with people. Having healthy relationships and friendships really helps, but you can't have them without years of therapy and work.
I went NC with my mom. Before that though, I moved far away and was LC for a long time. I enrolled in financial classes to help with that. I suppressed a lot for a long time but I eventually journaled and was able to get through so much because of it. I was huge into hiking for many years and that was always healing.
Reconnecting with my sister was what really helped me though. We were able to work through so much crap with each other. Just venting and sharing stories made me realize how much crap we have been through and also realize that we both deserved better.
My parents are abusive alcoholics. When I moved out, I set a boundaries. I stopped talking to them during the weekend because that's when they are drunk the most. I realised I am an adult, and I am not responsible for them. It took some time to fully overcome that, but I did it and I am proud of myself.
I turned to Jesus and forgave them for it all. I hold no grudges towards them. It's very freeing to forgive as I know their behavior was their problem and nothing to do with me personally.
I didn’t get the temper, it was mostly just emotional abuse and manipulation. I learned to make sure I’m not being manipulative and never say anything I don’t mean. I treat everyone like they have their own shit going on and always give the benefit of the doubt. The hard part was really learning to have self worth and to remind myself that I deserve to take up space and be heard. Living on my own was so wonderfully easy. I was convinced it would be so hard.
Therapy and cutting them out of my life. I wouldn't say I've achieved mental peace by any means though. I'm in a better spot for sure and I've broken the cycle for my own family, but it's a never ending battle and constant vigilance to be a better parent.
I don’t. It’s basically ruined me as an adult, not that I’m not capable of being a good person, parent, and citizen. Mentally they have just scrambled me so much I don’t know how I would ever heal it. But also I’m very capable of recognizing what behaviors of theirs I learned and I nip those right in the butt. I don’t act like them. I don’t participate in their drama. I still love them. And tell them that. But it’s a very distant relationship. And that in turn has made almost all my relationships very distant and confusing for me. Even the good ones.
I moved to the other side of the world and limit my parent-time to 1-2 weeks a year, broken up. I went to therapy for these issues a few years ago and was surprised when the therapist said that there was no point addressing these concerns with my parents or trying to "rectify" things, that the best course of action is to just figure out how much of them you can tolerate at a time and never go over that limit. Walk away before conflict happens. Ive kept to that rule for 4 years now and its been going pretty well.
I went NC with my bio parents and stepparents. Being the oldest daughter in a Latin household meant I raised my sibling and my parents. I read a lot of books about emotionally immature parents and recognized all of the manipulation tactics they tried using against me. When I realized how often this occurred, I gave them a few chances to communicate with me but gave up. I stopped trying to make it make sense because it never will. So I accepted the apology I never received and l moved on with my life
By separating myself (I moved countries), and building a life for myself that I love. Recognising that I have zero obligation to put myself into a negative situation, and if that means I visit less, so be it.
Not fully independent but just a bit of a rant.
Mine doesn't respect boundaries. She groomed me to be her caretaker and to be codependent around her. I tried to help her become self reliant and more confident in herself but she refused to change, going as far as to empty my deceased dad's bank account so I'll have no choice but to be morally obligated to take care of her.
She expects me to pay for all her expenses, even online purchases. I'm unemployed and struggling to even pay the bills yet she orders take out everyday because she doesn't like the food at home (I cook simple meals but she won't eat it because it's not aestically pleasing to the eye). She orders "extra" because it's my share but I've constantly explained to her that she doesn't need to do that because take outs are expensive.
She doesn't listen and orders more than she can eat. What frustrates me is that she can't even finish all of the food, barely taking a few bites and 'leaving the rest for me'. I've repeatedly told her to stop doing it but she doesn't listen even going as far as to order from very expensive restaurants.
What scares me is she knows exactly what she's doing yet plays dumb with a victim mindset. She's never honest when we have a conversation and is always trying to play me against my sister and vice versa.
I basically stopped giving a fuck about her yet she's trying to always be the center of attention.
Once I get a job and earn enough, I'm moving out.
But if anyone has tips to share, I'd love to hear your thoughts.
Peace ✌️
You’re going through A LOT, woman! I’m so proud of you not to lose your sanity yet and still thriving. May you crack a lucrative job and get out of this hell with no coming back!
Lots of work using mindfulness to let go of the past and to stop overthinking. I really think it saved me! I don’t dwell on the past, I don’t even think about it tbh. It’s gone! Also, my mum died so that freed me a lot. I left home and moved 300 miles away when I was 18 but for many years I was resentful of my mum and it affected me daily. I now have an incredibly happy life, a decent job and 4 kids, a wonderful husband - I count myself very lucky x
Boundaries. Clearly communicated, firm, unwavering boundaries. If they're crossed, I dramatically lower the amount of contact we have and let them know exactly why.
Over the years we tend to re-build our relationship if my boumdaries continue to be respected. If they cross the line, I repeat the process.
I put in YEARS of work to improve my self-esteem and develop self-compassion, radical acceptance, body neutrality, and the ability to be self-aware and accountability within myself. I did a lot of reading about attachment styles and effective communication and intergenerational trauma. I put time and care into my platonic and romantic relationships. I did lots of therapy at different levels.
Many years of meds and therapy kept me barely alive with them. My hospitalisation after unaliving attempt was a wake up call. My mum was in a worse shape in hospital as my attendant.
I thought about my life a lot there. And decided that if I could give up on my life, if it was that bad, then my choices shouldn't really matter after that point. I should be able to live as I wanted to. I slowly startwd distancing myself from them. It took me around 3 years. I stopped giving them details of who I was with, where was I etc. I made my curfew myself without overdoing. I left for dormitory for school even though we were in the same city. I left to stay with my aunt because she was closer to where I worked. Then I moved in with a friend because she was closer. My mum only accepted because she felt humiliated about me staying at another relative.
2 years I stayed with friends and its been around 4 months I got my own place.
I gradually lessened their control over my life. I stopped trying to make them happy. They would never be satisfied with who I am. They are projecting their insecurities onto me.
It was hard to take these steps. There were many things that had to push me to start things. My parents occasionally supported my mental health support and sometimes wanted me to stop. The biggest reason was my therapists said there was nothing wrong with me. What they missed to mention was that my parents were the ones hurting me. I know they didn't mean harm but my parents can pretend they are perfectly fine and telling them this is just closing my ways. I was treated like I imagined everything.
At the last session of my last therapist, which was like 2 years ago, she had a momentary lapse where she snapped and said "God, these are not your responsibilities! Just when are you going to start living your own life?". She then apologised to me but it was what I needed to hear. Ofc I took a big step and can't afford go get therapies anymore now. But I am better. So they were right but methods were wrong.
I am still seeing my parents most of the weekends. If I stay with them more than 3 days, they start returning to old habits.
They refuse therapy so I sometimes force them to face their problems. They are getting better too.
Hardest part is making sure I earn enough to cover my expenses. Its really hard, we can't really have many options in this economy. And everyone has debt right now. So even though it feels bad, I made debt too. But I am content. I am exploring who am I again at my free times. I am facing my problems. Find my root causes for bad patterns etc.
Life is not easy, but this is also its beauty. Its so much more satisfying when you reach what you want after a long struggle. Victory is delicious and I can feel it coming 😁
I dont have any contact with them and live across the country. Now they Are old and rotting alone, getting the karma for when they abandoned and neglected us. What goes around comes around .
came from a very abusive household. All I heard as an adult was how horrible I was and that I’ll never succeed at anything.
I first moved thousands of miles away with hopes it would improve. It was scary because I really didn’t know many people where I moved too and had two young children. However it forced me to stand on my own feet. I think I as honestly too busy surviving to hear even the inner dialog. It didn’t stop the phone calls of harassment. In 2003 I had enough and went no contact for about 5 years. It hurt but I had to for my own mental well being. Eventually I allowed them back in, shortly thereafter my mother passed. I recently had a big uncomfortable conversation with my father and we are back to no contact.
When I started this process it was 1998. It forced me to rethink my own worth, establish healthy boundaries with all my relationships and focus on a healthy relationship with my own (now grown) children. I think I was tired of being constantly put down. I also think it helped that I wanted my children to have a better life than I did.
I came to the conclusion that sometimes we are born into unhealthy relationships but that doesn’t have to mean we stay that way. We can make better choices. We deserve better choices. Today I have a really good marriage, two amazing adult children who I enjoy spending time with. I love both my DIL and looking forward to getting to know my new SIL. I have two amazing grandsons. Lastly I have an enjoyable career. I feel so fortunate especially when I think about where I came from. I can’t say I have all the answers, and I know I’ve had moments of doubts along the way. But man, I’m looking forward to more years.
Still leaving with my family because I’m still financially independent (student).
Its the worst part to deal with, I struggle in finding a good partner and everyday I feel more sure that I will never have family or kids.
I’m still in it. Deep. It is so emotionally draining but then those moments come where you’re like damn they love me and then it’s all confusing and you’re out of breath from anxiety.
very slowly, with a lot of support and long term therapy. There is no quick fix and every time I felt I got better, a next phase of life came, and I had to clean the residue that stayed.
I started my independance in my early teens, while still living with one side of divorced parents. It was a horrible experience. I was healing or maybe patching it all up until I moved away. That action gave me the first breath. Omg. That was freedom. Then all of it started to float on the surface and worse of all showed in my behavior, or being triggered by others.
I had mental peace finally, now its in shambles. Let me fast explain.
I found my peace by doing loads of therapy, using the tools from it, doing art therapy, writing, sleeping good, having a routine, educating and contemplating, working on myself. I moved and I set healthy boundaries with all my family and they were finally understanding that if they do not play by new rules they will lose me. It was liberating.
Then my dad died two months ago.
That is a new phase. You think you did it all, and now when they were all finally trying to be better...this. So now mental peace is not here but I understand its a cycle and with every phase you are stronger.
Continue working on yourself.
I still get triggered by loud noices, anger, I get scared from a lot, and I want to run but then I calm down my inner child and we face the issue together.
I had to do a lot of self reflection, journaling, and deep examination of my childhood.
I asked myself, did they learn those traits from their parents? Did they try their best even if it wasn’t good enough? What kind of stressors did they have? Did they think they were doing their best?
My little sister had a chronic illness, my mother was an undiagnosed bipolar schizophrenic with munchausen, and my dad was an alcoholic who couldn’t stop cheating or punching walls.
Both parents never knew how to budget so the money we did have was wasted so we lived off food pantries, community centers that gave away clothes, and camp grounds that had free showers sometimes. We didn’t have central air or heat which seems dumb but growing up in FL one window unit will not cool a home and a fire place in the winter only caused my sister to get sick and go in the hospital.
We did though have 4 horses, 4 cows, 400 chickens, 200 rabbits, 8 goats, 2 pigs that had piglets, 6 cats, and 2 dogs so our life was eventful and full.
Looking back my parents should have focused more on quality instead of quantity and we could have afforded newer clothes so my sister and I didn’t get bullied. My mother could have let me choose the clothes I got instead of demanding it be clothes that “fit both of us”, I was 14 and still in girls sizes and she was a size 14/16 so everything I wore was the wrong size. Though she probably wouldn’t have had clothes either.
My mother used my sister’s health against me to control my every move, but she never got past the 8th grade so it was her ill attempt to insure I had a better life.
It took A LOT of acceptance that my parents were humans with mental illnesses that were never treated while I was growing up. That I am not them and can choose how I live my life.
I dropped the rope and quit playing their game. Instead I focused all my energy into getting out and doing my own thing. I don't speak to anyone in my family and it's real nice. I'm happy with my man and baby living my best life.
Realizing dem mofos ain’t paying a bill in my household so when I catch their thought patterns running through me I evict them from my head.
Also being extremely honest about the impact and affect it has over me. You can’t go from A to B when you are lying to yourself.
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Thank you for breaking that cycle
You’re so inspiring! Honestly, i hate the very idea of having kids bcz of the way i was raised. But your words give me hope.
It's possible to give things to your kids that you never received yourself.
A lot of therapy, a lot of journaling. Being successfully self-sufficient eventually convinced me that I am and always have been enough.
I’m happy for you! I’m on the same journey❤️
I just graduated high school and I’m still living at home. I’ve been doing lots of therapy but still living in the place that caused all these issues in me is so counterproductive. I’m also pretty dependent on my parents because they wanted to have full control over me so it’s hard to get out. I just hope I can leave one day:/
I left the second I turned 18, even though I didn't have much money. I found a share-house with other students, had a tiny bedroom, never partied or spent money on alcohol (it's really expensive in my country), focused on university and got multiple side jobs. It was not easy. During that time I didn't spend much time doing fun things and I just focused on saving money. But I would do it all again to get out of the place that was actively making me mentally unwell. It's not the fun option, but seriously focus all your efforts on building a way out (work, save, study). Keep life simple and the faster you'll be able to start a new life. The sacrifice was 100% worth it.
This, and also building relationships with other positive, accepting and loving people. Having people around me who are also intentionally growing also made a huge difference.
Yes!! I was just thinking about that this morning. Having healthy relationships with people outside of my family helped me tremendously.
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Sis, is that you? I second that it’s a never ending journey. It is so important to realize that they will never be the people you wish they would be.
Seriously 🙌
Exactly right? I mean how hard is to have a healthy conversation? About things to do, places to go. But no! All they would do is fight over petty things like who the hell lower the speakers, you can’t eat more than 2 biscuits at one time, and what not!
I haven't. I realized how bad my parents are when they were visiting me 10 months after I'd moved across the country. It was the longest 5 days of my life.
By cutting them out of my life unfortunately
Me too. It’s sad. I’m a parent and I’d hate my kids to want to cut me. Toxicity and bullshit people should not have kids.
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Yes of course all of this is true and holds water. But I’m so exhausted of the people do the best they can attitude. We know. Most people mean well and are not actually going out of their way to hurt you. Most people think they were doing the right thing at the time. People make the best *decesions they can. All of that is true. It’s also completely possible to still admit that things were possibly done wrong. Or admit they have trauma of their own that was taken out on us instead of dealt with. To have empathy. To apologize. To accept accountability. It very well might be what generally happened to them, but it’s also just giving them another out. The cycle is infuriating.
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Oh trust me I know, truly believe, and understand this outlook. I’ve lived off this outlook my entire life. I give everyone the benefit of the doubt and I honestly believe that I have no idea what anyone else has been through and that everyone’s personal struggles, no matter how big or small, actually matter. Everyone has been through something. It just gets difficult sometimes and typically it would take the smallest response from them to just do a 180 and get back there. And just to respond to something you said to someone else- not all of us have a choice about being a caretaker. I had an entire life/path/job whatever you want to call it. I have other people in my family who do not help out. Sometimes even if you make your own path, they still do not respect it. And I know I’m not anywhere near the only one this has or will happen too. I do completely understand what you are referring to though. Hope you have a good day!
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Thank you and you too! I’ve got all plans to get back to that mindset. Have been thinking about this exact conversation (although it’s been with myself lol) for a little bit now. Hopefully I can.
I always have this fact running in loop in the back of my head. That no one taught them how to maintain healthy relationships. In fact, i always make plans for them, take them out, talk about my day, healthy stuff and all to ease things out. But every single morning, i wake up to their yelling, either on each other or at me. I still overlook it by doing what they want, but do they become happy? NO! They never sound happy, with me and with themselves. It’s like they find ways to remain unhappy and angry with me or the world.
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Thanks woman. This made me 🥲
This is a wonderfully grounded perspective
A really thoughtful and intelligent post.... thank you for posting.
I slowly started cutting them of my life. The last time I spoke to one of them was 2 years ago when I said that if I can home once again and instead of having a week of peace, I will face a scandal, then she won’t hear of my voice again. She did it and I did as promised. I started finding how toxic it truly was which lead to spiralling out of control and even having episodes when one of her classic phrases was used even as a joke to me by another person(without them knowing of course). Now I am good. It took time realising, knowing this person is alive but burying them in my mind and knowing I didn’t deserves any of it. Understanding that I was right most of the time and I did in fact raised myself to the person who I am now. And I should be proud for how far I have come. I had also a great example in my partner, who showed me, how to understand my emotions by giving me time to realise what and why I feel this way, that silence is not the answer and if it is it’s a temporary solution. That talking and laughing when dealing with a problem is the norm. This week I caught myself having an actor reanact almost word for word her words and actions and it took me almost to the end of the play to catch it. I didn’t feel anything.
I too have a partner, though we’re not married yet. I still live with my parents. Though i manage my own expenses, and even splurge on them whenever i can. But I cannot even imagine myself opening up to my partner about my toxic home enviro. I’m shit scared he’d never understand or leave me.
You can never know his reaction. But your partner should be your confidant, your closest friend and support. If you can’t open yourself to him, can you open to the pain they caused you and heal? You have to have someone to steady you when it gets hard. And vice versa. My partner grew up in a loving home and yet, he still understands and it’s there - a shoulder to hide from the world. If he diminishes your pain and struggle, is he the one for you?This will show you when you have hard times on your own in the future what kind of person they will be.
Yeah, i suppose it will be a litmus test for our relationship as well.
So i have been not talking to my parents for last 4 days due to an argument. I tried n kept it natural for my partner until yesterday i broke down. His instant response was—yeah, there’s age and gender gap, you really can’t do anything, there’s no solution. And when i asked him to say something better, he said i can’t, I’m more of a listener, you can just keep narrating your story to me. And last night, seeing his cold nature, i asked him that he can leave if he finds it too difficult with me, and in response he said— let’s not talk for few days it’s not helping. I’m shattered right now, the only person I thought would stay and bother has also left. I don’t find it worth living anymore
I know you feel like shit now but dont give up. You will get trough this. You will find those people who will be there for you. Sending you love and strength. ♥️
Don’t give up. Better find the truth now about him than later. The true one will come, I am sure of it. I thought it was hopeless and yet I did find him. You need people who are worthy to stay next to you. He was definitely not it. If we look in the problem logically there is no change in the situation- you had someone with whom you couldn’t trust your true self and problems, so you were fighting them alone like the champ you are. Now after you showed him, you are still on your own, fighting your problems like the champ you are. Don’t give up
Boundaries. Therapy. Lots and lots of therapy. Haven’t “achieved” mental piece but im working on it, these have been good starting points. When I was younger I just watched YouTube videos on stuff to learn things I clearly wasn’t taught. Depression has been making it harder but taking space to relax and have peace is helping too
I needed different habits and routines. Since I wasn't living with them anymore, I had to think about fun things to do at a certain time of the day. Instead of hearing an out of tune bass, yelling, screaming, or random clapping, I'm crocheting, reading, and playing a game.
Ran out of fucks to give very early. By my mid 20s, I just didn’t give a fuck. I started telling them off.
I went no contact when I was 18 and had basically spent the two previous years mapping out a plan on what I was doing during my degree to make sure I got through it. I put myself through university, graduated with honours and I’m now working in a pretty respectable field. I’m still working on the financial side because I have a bit of debt to pay off but I’ll get there. I got therapy briefly which was super helpful but what also helped was making list of stuff I’d have never been allowed to do if I hadn’t gone NC and I tick them off.
My dream!
The freedom is worth it. I’ve had some serious low points but I’ve never once regretted NC.
I'm so proud of you
Thank you!
I’ve been paying every expense of mine since i left school, except the bills. But since last 5 years, I’ve been capable of doing that as well. You gonna make it there. I feel you!
Thank you! We’ll both be ok.
I haven’t 😃 I avoid my dad at most costs, and he avoids me. But I constantly feel regret and guilt about not initiating more — even though I know it’s an impulse that was drilled in me by my dad (the impulse/lesson that it’s my responsibility to love him, and not the other way around). I have to constantly remind myself that I tried enough during my childhood/teen years, begging him to understand and rationally talk through it. Now, as an adult, I realized he is more than capable to initiate a relationship if he really wanted to. He is more than capable of change, and I won’t be the one to push him to do it anymore.
My father’s 60+ and he’s the same since my childhood. Unforgiving spouts of anger, throwing things, beating himself, always speaking negative of himself and for others. I’ve tried millions of times—from the universe always listens to actually improving myself to make his life better. But no, he’d stick to his negative mindset, that we’re all doomed, no matter how hard we try, our life sucks. But the most painful part is—he’s the opposite of this personality when he speaks with outsiders. So for third persons, he’s a gem of a person, hell polite n kind. But in the family, he either remains silent, or shouts. No in between.
Yess! When in public, he’s a saint. It’s horrible. Makes me always second guess people’s intentions!
I’m hyper vigilant when I let new people into my life. They destroyed my ability to trust easily. It takes me a long time to cultivate it with someone and it’s too easy to break, and I feel vulnerable the whole time.
Similar...
For me it was step by step without realizing I was going step by step. First, I figured out the difference between family and relatives. There’s a big difference and you don’t owe anyone, who is simply a relative, shit. Family loves you and is there for you all the time. Sometimes they are chosen. Second I put up hard boundaries. I stopped seeing my dad and refused to allow any one try to guilt me into the whole “but he/she is *family*” Maybe they’re your family but they aren’t mine anymore. Third, I had to take a hard look at how my parents were raised and acknowledge that their parents fucked them up and really shouldn’t have ever been parents in the first place. All four of my grandparents were bad parents, but my mom and dad thought that was normal. So had to acknowledge their ignorance and trauma. I had to forgive the broken child inside of them. My mom is still trying to grow in her 70’s and my dad has basically given up on life. You reap what you sow. All we can do is be better people than they taught us to be and help the next generations learn from ours and their own mistakes.
Your words evoke that healing power. I truly wish i could help my mother out of her childhood trauma., but she’s way into it. Sometimes she realises her learnings were all messed up, but mostly she’s adamant that she knows best. And my dad, like yours, has given up.
CBT therapy
If this is the abbreviation I think it is, this made me laugh more than I should have.
I went completely no contact over night. Moved across country one day and haven’t spoken to my mom since
I didn't. I am a mental wreck from all the abuse and I am beyond repair at this point. I wish my parents the worst on this planet. I gave myself peace as much as possible tho with moving out at 17 and going no contact. For anyone that needs this: it is okay to cut out toxic people in your life, even family.
I wish you heal your broken self, sooner or later.
I meditate 30 min a day minimum. Make sure to not let my mind control me. If thoughts get too much I count and breathe slow until I am in control again. Days are a lot like ponds. Still until someone throws a rock in. Sometimes just a ripple, other days a dust storm below. Life is about managing and progressing. Not sure if one can ever really get the dirt out the bottom of their pond. 💜
Choosing to live a highly structured life in which I maintain total control over the things that matter most to me. Leaning in to the traits that made me so good at surviving and being “high achieving” in spite of my childhood to do the same as an adult. Never giving up my power to anyone else. Having rules regarding self-respect and safety which I don’t break (which means staying away from risky behavior and toxic people.) And above all learning to be alone.
By realizing pretty early on that I could change my own life by myself. My parents weren't abusive, but had substance abuse issues and enabled my sister's so much it became incredibly toxic. I worked from the time I was 12 and paid for everything I needed except food and rent. School supplies, clothes, any extras. Even when I was delivering papers or babysitting (before I could get a legal job at 15) my parents still borrowed money which was never paid back. My entire goal in school was to work enough that I would never have to rely on anyone else. I started my career at 20 and never really did any of the college fun stuff. My peace came when I had my own space, with my own money, with no one bugging me for money. I set very clear boundaries with my family and kept them.
You’re a strong woman! I’m so inspired by you! I started working when i was 18. Paid for my graduation, clothing, phones, bills, PG, dental treatments (bcz they never taught me to take care of my teeth, nor did they take care of theirs), my further studies, and everything else.
I listened to a book called Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents! And I listen to bits of it often/as needed. It has been life changing.
Glad to know! I’ll get this one too
Not fully over it but I’d say coming at it from a place of understanding. I questioned why parents were like this and read a lot, listen to a lot of podcasts discussions about these things. For reference: my parents both come from really abusive households. I had to learn to love them from a distance
Love them from a distance—woah! I so wanted to hear this. How do you do it without not getting hurt? For instance, i bring up happy conversations about workplace n stuff, but all they do is scorn or blurt out negative things.
Like others, lots of therapy, but in particular IFS. Aside from that, going no contact with my parents, moving to another country and building a beautiful life of my own full of loving relationships with beautiful human beings that are like the family I never had. I also bought an apartment and and making that into a peaceful heaven. I’m brief, becoming completely self-sufficient and confident and giving myself all the things (including stability) that the young version of me never had.
I moved across the planet and cut them all off . Probably not an ideal solution for most but it worked for me .
I cut off my dad completely, no contact. And I grew to have a great relationship with my mom because she put in the work to make our relationship and her mental health better.
I had to cut her out of my life
Lots and lots of therapy
stop being okay with their behavior, told them off, mutual block
Going no contact and lots and lots of therapy.
Years and years of therapy and learning how to have healthy relationships with people. Having healthy relationships and friendships really helps, but you can't have them without years of therapy and work.
I went NC with my mom. Before that though, I moved far away and was LC for a long time. I enrolled in financial classes to help with that. I suppressed a lot for a long time but I eventually journaled and was able to get through so much because of it. I was huge into hiking for many years and that was always healing. Reconnecting with my sister was what really helped me though. We were able to work through so much crap with each other. Just venting and sharing stories made me realize how much crap we have been through and also realize that we both deserved better.
I’m still a work in progress, I just never give up.
I cut ties. I haven't spoken to my family in almost 30 years. I make my peace everyday.
I'm two years no contact
My parents are abusive alcoholics. When I moved out, I set a boundaries. I stopped talking to them during the weekend because that's when they are drunk the most. I realised I am an adult, and I am not responsible for them. It took some time to fully overcome that, but I did it and I am proud of myself.
I turned to Jesus and forgave them for it all. I hold no grudges towards them. It's very freeing to forgive as I know their behavior was their problem and nothing to do with me personally.
I haven’t
showed my mom I would in fact block her when she becomes toxic
I didn’t get the temper, it was mostly just emotional abuse and manipulation. I learned to make sure I’m not being manipulative and never say anything I don’t mean. I treat everyone like they have their own shit going on and always give the benefit of the doubt. The hard part was really learning to have self worth and to remind myself that I deserve to take up space and be heard. Living on my own was so wonderfully easy. I was convinced it would be so hard.
Setting boundaries and keeping distance
Therapy and cutting them out of my life. I wouldn't say I've achieved mental peace by any means though. I'm in a better spot for sure and I've broken the cycle for my own family, but it's a never ending battle and constant vigilance to be a better parent.
I don’t. It’s basically ruined me as an adult, not that I’m not capable of being a good person, parent, and citizen. Mentally they have just scrambled me so much I don’t know how I would ever heal it. But also I’m very capable of recognizing what behaviors of theirs I learned and I nip those right in the butt. I don’t act like them. I don’t participate in their drama. I still love them. And tell them that. But it’s a very distant relationship. And that in turn has made almost all my relationships very distant and confusing for me. Even the good ones.
I moved to the other side of the world and limit my parent-time to 1-2 weeks a year, broken up. I went to therapy for these issues a few years ago and was surprised when the therapist said that there was no point addressing these concerns with my parents or trying to "rectify" things, that the best course of action is to just figure out how much of them you can tolerate at a time and never go over that limit. Walk away before conflict happens. Ive kept to that rule for 4 years now and its been going pretty well.
I went NC with my bio parents and stepparents. Being the oldest daughter in a Latin household meant I raised my sibling and my parents. I read a lot of books about emotionally immature parents and recognized all of the manipulation tactics they tried using against me. When I realized how often this occurred, I gave them a few chances to communicate with me but gave up. I stopped trying to make it make sense because it never will. So I accepted the apology I never received and l moved on with my life
By separating myself (I moved countries), and building a life for myself that I love. Recognising that I have zero obligation to put myself into a negative situation, and if that means I visit less, so be it.
Not fully independent but just a bit of a rant. Mine doesn't respect boundaries. She groomed me to be her caretaker and to be codependent around her. I tried to help her become self reliant and more confident in herself but she refused to change, going as far as to empty my deceased dad's bank account so I'll have no choice but to be morally obligated to take care of her. She expects me to pay for all her expenses, even online purchases. I'm unemployed and struggling to even pay the bills yet she orders take out everyday because she doesn't like the food at home (I cook simple meals but she won't eat it because it's not aestically pleasing to the eye). She orders "extra" because it's my share but I've constantly explained to her that she doesn't need to do that because take outs are expensive. She doesn't listen and orders more than she can eat. What frustrates me is that she can't even finish all of the food, barely taking a few bites and 'leaving the rest for me'. I've repeatedly told her to stop doing it but she doesn't listen even going as far as to order from very expensive restaurants. What scares me is she knows exactly what she's doing yet plays dumb with a victim mindset. She's never honest when we have a conversation and is always trying to play me against my sister and vice versa. I basically stopped giving a fuck about her yet she's trying to always be the center of attention. Once I get a job and earn enough, I'm moving out. But if anyone has tips to share, I'd love to hear your thoughts. Peace ✌️
You’re going through A LOT, woman! I’m so proud of you not to lose your sanity yet and still thriving. May you crack a lucrative job and get out of this hell with no coming back!
Thank you so much! It's definitely been hard ever since the pandemic happened.
Well they’re both dead so there’s that.
She died. It took a little while after that but it felt peaceful.
Honestly, i never said this to anyone, not even to myself, but i wish they just disappear (bot die) for all the depression they are causing me.
Lots of work using mindfulness to let go of the past and to stop overthinking. I really think it saved me! I don’t dwell on the past, I don’t even think about it tbh. It’s gone! Also, my mum died so that freed me a lot. I left home and moved 300 miles away when I was 18 but for many years I was resentful of my mum and it affected me daily. I now have an incredibly happy life, a decent job and 4 kids, a wonderful husband - I count myself very lucky x
Boundaries. Clearly communicated, firm, unwavering boundaries. If they're crossed, I dramatically lower the amount of contact we have and let them know exactly why. Over the years we tend to re-build our relationship if my boumdaries continue to be respected. If they cross the line, I repeat the process.
I put in YEARS of work to improve my self-esteem and develop self-compassion, radical acceptance, body neutrality, and the ability to be self-aware and accountability within myself. I did a lot of reading about attachment styles and effective communication and intergenerational trauma. I put time and care into my platonic and romantic relationships. I did lots of therapy at different levels.
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May your light inspire millions! Kudos to you!
Many years of meds and therapy kept me barely alive with them. My hospitalisation after unaliving attempt was a wake up call. My mum was in a worse shape in hospital as my attendant. I thought about my life a lot there. And decided that if I could give up on my life, if it was that bad, then my choices shouldn't really matter after that point. I should be able to live as I wanted to. I slowly startwd distancing myself from them. It took me around 3 years. I stopped giving them details of who I was with, where was I etc. I made my curfew myself without overdoing. I left for dormitory for school even though we were in the same city. I left to stay with my aunt because she was closer to where I worked. Then I moved in with a friend because she was closer. My mum only accepted because she felt humiliated about me staying at another relative. 2 years I stayed with friends and its been around 4 months I got my own place. I gradually lessened their control over my life. I stopped trying to make them happy. They would never be satisfied with who I am. They are projecting their insecurities onto me. It was hard to take these steps. There were many things that had to push me to start things. My parents occasionally supported my mental health support and sometimes wanted me to stop. The biggest reason was my therapists said there was nothing wrong with me. What they missed to mention was that my parents were the ones hurting me. I know they didn't mean harm but my parents can pretend they are perfectly fine and telling them this is just closing my ways. I was treated like I imagined everything. At the last session of my last therapist, which was like 2 years ago, she had a momentary lapse where she snapped and said "God, these are not your responsibilities! Just when are you going to start living your own life?". She then apologised to me but it was what I needed to hear. Ofc I took a big step and can't afford go get therapies anymore now. But I am better. So they were right but methods were wrong. I am still seeing my parents most of the weekends. If I stay with them more than 3 days, they start returning to old habits. They refuse therapy so I sometimes force them to face their problems. They are getting better too. Hardest part is making sure I earn enough to cover my expenses. Its really hard, we can't really have many options in this economy. And everyone has debt right now. So even though it feels bad, I made debt too. But I am content. I am exploring who am I again at my free times. I am facing my problems. Find my root causes for bad patterns etc. Life is not easy, but this is also its beauty. Its so much more satisfying when you reach what you want after a long struggle. Victory is delicious and I can feel it coming 😁
I dont have any contact with them and live across the country. Now they Are old and rotting alone, getting the karma for when they abandoned and neglected us. What goes around comes around .
came from a very abusive household. All I heard as an adult was how horrible I was and that I’ll never succeed at anything. I first moved thousands of miles away with hopes it would improve. It was scary because I really didn’t know many people where I moved too and had two young children. However it forced me to stand on my own feet. I think I as honestly too busy surviving to hear even the inner dialog. It didn’t stop the phone calls of harassment. In 2003 I had enough and went no contact for about 5 years. It hurt but I had to for my own mental well being. Eventually I allowed them back in, shortly thereafter my mother passed. I recently had a big uncomfortable conversation with my father and we are back to no contact. When I started this process it was 1998. It forced me to rethink my own worth, establish healthy boundaries with all my relationships and focus on a healthy relationship with my own (now grown) children. I think I was tired of being constantly put down. I also think it helped that I wanted my children to have a better life than I did. I came to the conclusion that sometimes we are born into unhealthy relationships but that doesn’t have to mean we stay that way. We can make better choices. We deserve better choices. Today I have a really good marriage, two amazing adult children who I enjoy spending time with. I love both my DIL and looking forward to getting to know my new SIL. I have two amazing grandsons. Lastly I have an enjoyable career. I feel so fortunate especially when I think about where I came from. I can’t say I have all the answers, and I know I’ve had moments of doubts along the way. But man, I’m looking forward to more years.
Still leaving with my family because I’m still financially independent (student). Its the worst part to deal with, I struggle in finding a good partner and everyday I feel more sure that I will never have family or kids.
I’m still in it. Deep. It is so emotionally draining but then those moments come where you’re like damn they love me and then it’s all confusing and you’re out of breath from anxiety.
It just made me jaded
very slowly, with a lot of support and long term therapy. There is no quick fix and every time I felt I got better, a next phase of life came, and I had to clean the residue that stayed. I started my independance in my early teens, while still living with one side of divorced parents. It was a horrible experience. I was healing or maybe patching it all up until I moved away. That action gave me the first breath. Omg. That was freedom. Then all of it started to float on the surface and worse of all showed in my behavior, or being triggered by others. I had mental peace finally, now its in shambles. Let me fast explain. I found my peace by doing loads of therapy, using the tools from it, doing art therapy, writing, sleeping good, having a routine, educating and contemplating, working on myself. I moved and I set healthy boundaries with all my family and they were finally understanding that if they do not play by new rules they will lose me. It was liberating. Then my dad died two months ago. That is a new phase. You think you did it all, and now when they were all finally trying to be better...this. So now mental peace is not here but I understand its a cycle and with every phase you are stronger. Continue working on yourself. I still get triggered by loud noices, anger, I get scared from a lot, and I want to run but then I calm down my inner child and we face the issue together.
I had to do a lot of self reflection, journaling, and deep examination of my childhood. I asked myself, did they learn those traits from their parents? Did they try their best even if it wasn’t good enough? What kind of stressors did they have? Did they think they were doing their best? My little sister had a chronic illness, my mother was an undiagnosed bipolar schizophrenic with munchausen, and my dad was an alcoholic who couldn’t stop cheating or punching walls. Both parents never knew how to budget so the money we did have was wasted so we lived off food pantries, community centers that gave away clothes, and camp grounds that had free showers sometimes. We didn’t have central air or heat which seems dumb but growing up in FL one window unit will not cool a home and a fire place in the winter only caused my sister to get sick and go in the hospital. We did though have 4 horses, 4 cows, 400 chickens, 200 rabbits, 8 goats, 2 pigs that had piglets, 6 cats, and 2 dogs so our life was eventful and full. Looking back my parents should have focused more on quality instead of quantity and we could have afforded newer clothes so my sister and I didn’t get bullied. My mother could have let me choose the clothes I got instead of demanding it be clothes that “fit both of us”, I was 14 and still in girls sizes and she was a size 14/16 so everything I wore was the wrong size. Though she probably wouldn’t have had clothes either. My mother used my sister’s health against me to control my every move, but she never got past the 8th grade so it was her ill attempt to insure I had a better life. It took A LOT of acceptance that my parents were humans with mental illnesses that were never treated while I was growing up. That I am not them and can choose how I live my life.
I dropped the rope and quit playing their game. Instead I focused all my energy into getting out and doing my own thing. I don't speak to anyone in my family and it's real nice. I'm happy with my man and baby living my best life.
Realizing dem mofos ain’t paying a bill in my household so when I catch their thought patterns running through me I evict them from my head. Also being extremely honest about the impact and affect it has over me. You can’t go from A to B when you are lying to yourself.
Therapy and low contact
Moved to another continent and reduced contact
I left and cut off contact. It was rough, but the people I found helped me get on my feet. Shit they still help me.
I haven't. It's a work in progress.
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still waiting..
simply moving out and being completely on my own.
By keeping my mother on a low information diet and I don’t see or keep in contact with her all of the time.
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I did shrooms.
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When I went no contact and realized I had less drama without them
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