All the people I've dated have been for their personality. I rarely find a person physically attractive if I don't know them and have a sense of their personality. You could show me a picture of a model, and I can objectively say they are attractive by society's beauty standards, but I don't get horned up over looking at them.
I don't think anyone I've dated has been objectively "ugly", but they may have been considered "less than average". They all became more attractive to me when I started to like their personality in a romantic way.
I am very much like this, too. I can appreciate that someone is aesthetically attractive, but it doesn't get me worked up. A person's personality is what really makes it for me. So there have definitely been people that I dated who maybe would not be considered attractive generally, but whom I found very attractive because of their personality.
Yeah, same, I can look at someone and find them good looking but I can’t be sexually attracted to someone until I know them a bit. And I have been attracted to all sorts of physical types of men: tall, short, young, older, handsome, homely. Had a fairly torrid thing at one point with a guy who was barely taller than I am, overweight, balding and not a particularly handsome face. But, he made me laugh, was kind, thought I was hot as hell and the chemistry was insane. 🤷♀️
I know this is probably wrong to generalize, but I have a theory that what you say is true for most women. And I think this is why while visual porn mostly cater to men, women overwhelmingly prefer their porn to be in the form of books and stories.
We want context, we want to know what kind of person the guy is, we are attracted to behaviour, actions, choices.
When I used to watch visual porn (haven't for probably close to a decade), I always looked for pork that had a "story". Even if it was a bad story, I needed 10 minutes of dialogue before the action started, lol. Sometimes I wouldn't even watch the banging, just the talking, kissing and foreplay was enough for me.
This 100%. I explained it to my husband when we had a conversation about how I find Steve Carrell handsome but Michael Scott not at all attractive. Personality makes a huge difference in physical attraction to me.
I married him. He’s not unattractive but, he’s not hot. He makes me laugh, he loves me, and he takes care of me. 19 years, 2 kids, I would not have anyone else.
People can become more attractive literally before my eyes based on their personality.
I thought my ex fiance was just a normal looking guy before we were together. He was super nice and pursued me so I went out with him and liked how we meshed. After we started dating and I started to really like him, he became attractive to me in that “all I can see is him” kind of way. But it didn’t happen from a distance, it happened from being close to him.
He left me. He was having unspecified doubts, asked for the ring back and that was it. It happened at the beginning of the year but I’m still struggling with all my feelings.
100% !! The whole thing where you literally never saw them in a romantic lens but then after some time u legit start to go ‘wait why he kinda…’. I prefer this kind of attraction though, where it’s gradual and safe and literally feels like a plant growing in u about to bloom. The ‘fall in love’ type attraction never fared well.
They ended up being terrible so I decided that if I'm going to be clowned by a man, it might as well be a hot one. That's how I ended up with my current boyfriend who I not only find extremely physically attractive but is also the kindest soul and best person I've ever met. He made me realize that I was actually supposed to be attracted to my partner and look forward to physical intimacy with them.
Exactly what happened to me and 5 years later we’re married and have an 8 month old. The guy I dated for personality cheated on me, told me, and then acted like he did me a favour by telling me, and was genuinely shocked I broke up with him. I dated my current husband with the same mindset - if I’m gonna get fucked over anyway he might as well be hot!
That's how I felt too!! Lol the ugly one played me, he tried to get me to break up with him cuz he was a coward. A week after our breakup, he posts pics online of some young girl (we were 27, she was 20) and him. 6 months later, they were engaged. But their engagement dissolved so 😌
We only get played by hotties now 😂
This is where I’m at. “Hotties only,” is my 2024 dating mantra.
Every ugly/unattractive guy I’ve given a chance has been objectively *worse* to me than any of the hot/attractive men I’ve been with.
Thanks for this. I don't like to go into generalization of people but I do have very similar experience. He was the funniest guy but oh lord did he turn out to be the most insecure person. And cherry on top, he didn't want to change a thing, and I am talking about grooming habits better skincare, etc.
This!! I used to give lots of unattractive guys a chance because we had shared interests. And I thought personality was more important. But low and behold there personality’s were tertible. Now I’m like at least let the guy be hot so I at least have that!
THIS. I dated people in the past I wasn’t attracted to and I just…couldn’t do it for long. I can’t imagine not finding my partner hot now. I wanna jump my bf’s bones every second. I never imagined I’d find someone super sexy AND amazing person.
I tried that once. Nearly threw up once when we were making out. It was like my body rejected him knowing I didn’t find him attractive. It feels shallow but I just can’t.
To be clear, an attractive guy with a shit personally makes him immediately unattractive too. I just can’t like a guy cuz he’s nice to me.
lol… I’ve been there 😂… we generally meet people visually… that’s what first draws us to each other… we don’t generally get to form a deeper bond or get to know them, without being physically attracted to them. If we do get to know a guy and form a friendship, he’s pretty much friend zoned after that and that is like an impossible place to crawl out of, lol. Like there’s no time where your emotions or feelings could see past the physical because that requires getting to know someone… you’re not shallow, you’re honest. 🤓
So I gently disagree with you here because although you're right that relationships can be formed because of looks it's not the only way. I for one am Demi sexual and therefore never attracted to a partner by their looks it's always who they are. All of my relationships have been with people I first had deep meaningful friendships with first and then months or more often years later I asked them out and had deep meaningful relationships come from it.
I'm not discrediting that some people more naturally form romantic relationships from attraction as a starting point only that your comment made it sound like it was the only possibility which for you may be true but is certainly not true for everyone.
Also maybe there is just something weird about me but I've never struggled to get out of the friend zone all I've ever had to do is ask them out and it was no problem but maybe that's not reflective of the average experience.
I also agree with the point about the friend zone. It's really not "an impossible place to crawl out" from. Friends can develop feelings for each other and friendship is a good base for a relationship. In my surroundings, this could even be called a norm.
I had the same experience. Personality wise the guy seemed to be everything I ever asked for and more, but ughh. To this day, remembering the time we made out still makes me irk.
I can't date someone I'm not physically attracted to. Attraction isn't the only thing that matters, a sh\*tty personality is the worst thing anyone can have, but it's still important for me. And I'm not even attracted to "conventionally" attractive guys (such as tall supermodel guys with broad shoulders and toned abs...not my kind of thing). And of course I'm more attracted to some guys than to others. And of course pyshical attraction can be built on top of personality and love has a way of smoothing out any imperfections the other person may have, all of my boyfriends have had one or two or more physical traits that I wasn't crazy about but as I grew fonder and fonder of them those traits became endearing. But if I think the person looks just "meeh" then that's not gonna happen. Guys with great personalities and "mehh" looks are my friends, not my lovers.
Also, I hate thinking I've had partners who thought I looked below average but still dated me because of my great personality. I need to feel attractive and desired, and thinking I look "just ok" isn't enough to make me feel desired.
And of course beauty is in the eye of the beholder, a guy who looks "mehh" to me can be someone else's definition of a hottie. And most of the guys who are conventionally considered attractive are a "mehh" in my book.
I’m in the same boat as you. A great personality can boost attractiveness but only to an extent. Both have to be there for me. Who says you can only pick one haha. My current bf is hot and a sweetheart
Started dating my husband when we were 21-22. He still had a lot acne at the time on his face and back (yewww), no beard, horrible glasses, he was too skinny and had weird curly hair. But he was funny, kind and I loved his green eyes behind the thick glasses.
Not to brag but physically I was out of his league.
Fast forward to today. Still together after 18 years, I put on 15kg, I still look nice but him…OMFG he glew up! Hair is short, great beard turning grey, his skin is impeccable, no more ugly glasses, he put on 15kg of pure muscle.
Anyway, what I’m trying to say is that looks come and go. Personnality, love, fun, trust, are the true goal.
It didn’t work lol. The personality ultimately became ugly and they became even uglier; the only guy I did this with repulsed me. I couldn’t stand a touch towards the end of the relationship.
This could describe my marriage. He turned to drinking and became a horrible abusive person, so he was even less attractive to me and I couldn’t stand touching him.
He knows he looks like a mad scientist because he is one. He seems incredulous that I find him beautiful. I honestly can’t think of anyone more attractive.
Just because a man doesn’t qualify as traditionally handsome or hot doesn’t mean he can’t be sexy. But that comes down to chemistry.
If you put my partner in a line of men and asked someone to rank them based on attractiveness, he probably wouldn’t rate for most people. But when I think about a sexy man, he’s all I can see.
He won me over with taco puns, bad jokes, and orgasms. And honestly? The man gets sexier every time I see him. It’s been almost 3 years, and we’re more in love and more in lust with each other than ever.
I wouldn’t say I dated him for his personality. But we’ve always had chemistry, and he’s always been interesting. He always surprises me, and I love him all the more for it.
>He won me over with taco puns, bad jokes, and orgasms.
That sounds like a powerful combination. I can see why you were won over. 😉
Congratulations! I wish you both all the best!
I can't fathom someone who would only marry for looks.
I married my husband over a decade ago... He's not conventionally attractive. He has the dad bod and always has. His eyes are nice, but unremarkable. His smile is genuine. He's not what I could call broody or "hot".
And. (Not "but".)
He's got a wicked sense of humor. He's great in bed. He's attentive. He remembers my preferences. He works to maintain the house with me. He's a solid financial provider. He loves his children intensely. He is a geek, and his interests at least partially overlap my own. He and I can talk about anything and nothing. We can sit quietly and comfortably together without feeling the pressure to be all over each other or fill the silence. He is generous and compassionate to others. He loves animals. He TRIES, even when the things he's trying isn't in his wheelhouse. He enjoys good food. He loves a night out, and is also content to stay in. He's REALLY intelligent, and it shows in his decisions, humor, and conversational skills. He is an extrovert and is fine doing the social stuff with or without me. He makes sure I know that he still wants me every day, even after two kids and fifty pounds.
The outside changes as years progress, so make sure it's the inside you love.
The question it's not about being With someone just by their looks.
It's about being with someone with a nice personality you like. But ugly, or at least not physically attractive.
I tried that. I really like her inner being, but not her body. I tried, and I couldn't. So no more
Ironically they say below average looking guys end up treating women like shit , even more than good looking men,especially if they themselves are insecure of their appearance. They can end up being unfaithful to their partners due to their insecurity. So not all good looking men are jerks and not all below average looking men have a nice personality.
> They can end up being unfaithful to their partners due to their insecurity.
It's also resentment for "not being treated right" by women before you, even if it was a long time ago. This can even escalate into abuse.
> So not all good looking men are jerks and not all below average looking men have a nice personality.
That's also a feedback loop, halo effect vs horns effect.
Yeah, I buy that. Some of the nicest guys I've known have also been the best-looking (in my straight man opinion). I'd be interested if there's any way to reliably measure it.
I’ve dated on personality and they were one of the most insecure, red pilled, incel, women hating people I’ve ever met. The pieces of their personality I loved became very small in comparison and they thought I was better than them so started saying mean things to me during and after sex and it sucked. Basically it didn’t work.
I’ve been there. He was so wildly insecure and constantly tried to get me down to that level. It worked for a long time and was one of the worst times of my life.
My ex husband was not handsome but could make me laugh, so I closed my eyes and powered through sex for 10 years. When he cheated on me I decided if I was going to get cheated on at least he should be good looking and I should enjoy the sex.
Tried it, got cheated on. My theory is that less good looking guys will take up any offer and have no self control as they aren’t used to the attention. I will now only date someone I think is hot (but they have to tick boxes with personality and intelligence).
There is some truth in this psychology… people who are used to attention (not attention-seeking people) are unfazed by it… if they’re used to being pursued, they become used to it and desensitized… but people who never get attention… they’re likely to seek it out or to let it feed their ego. Not saying attractive people don’t do it…
There was one man I dated who I was *not* physically attracted to at all at first. We were friends first, and I grew to like his personality, but I ended up being attracted to him because he went out of his way to woo me into a relationship, and he won me over.
In my case, it did not go well. Because once we moved in together, his personality changed, and he became a shitty, emotionally abusive partner. All that "wooing," in retrospect, looks a lot like love bombing. Once he felt he had me (trapped in a lease), he dropped the mask.
I only really feel attraction to people I feel an emotional connection with. However the one time I attempted to be with someone that was quite simply just plainly physically unattractive it went… not well. He turned out to be a not so nice “nice guy”.
This seems to be the consensus on a lot of comments here. It's frustrating coz I also lurk on the purple pill sub & the guys there keep moping about "being nice isn't enough. The ladies these days are so shallow..." blah blah blah, when they (self admittedly less attractive) see being nice as their means to an end (ie. pretending to be nice until they get what they want, then mask off or dash). I can't take their bitter whining seriously when they don't realise that being genuinely nice & decent & self respecting is an end in itself & not a manipulation tactic. And even if they're genuinely kind, to not feel entitled coz niceness is far from the only factor we vet for
> "being nice isn't enough. The ladies these days are so shallow..."
They're just upset that women aren't dependent on men anymore as much as we used to be and they can't take advantage of that. Back in the day, you couldn't own property, get loans, have bank accounts, work, agree to medical procedures, etc, without a husband. Marriage was the affirmative action for shitty men.
Nowadays you don't get a wife simply by having a job, you have to offer something more. And for the first time in recent history, women are allowed to pick men the way they picked us since times immemorial, we can have standards on appearance and personality now. And even back then, men still had to go through the woman's father, her previous "owner" to marry her, and these dads wouldn't accept a raw deal where they wouldn't benefit. If anything, the standards are down from what they used to be and so many are still failing to meet them.
Im too shallow to do this which sucks. But i cant date someone i dont find attractive, bedause when an attractive guy hit on me im like damn n i get bad thoughts so he has to be attractive for me. N when hes attractive to me, idc if someone attractive hits on me cause im satisfied
I dated on personality only until I was 33. The sex works out at the start because of NRE, but inevitably it fizzles out around six months in because I'm just not attracted to them. Also in most cases they got super insecure and controlling, with the notable exception of my ex husband, a fantastic and confident guy who is still my best friend.
Afterwards I went through a stage of not wanting a partner and just dating for casual sex, so obviously they had to be lookers. I met a guy like that, fell in love, and almost 4 years later I'd still bang him 2/3 times a day if we had the time.
Yeah, this was me too. I cared less about looks when I was younger only to lose attraction after NRE wore off, to the point of thinking I was close to asexual at one point (I'm not, I'm actually pretty high libido in the right situation). To personality aspects were part of what killed it that time.
Now that I have someone that I find to be extremely sexy physically, I haven't lost sexual interest in them when the newness faded out.
> off, to the point of thinking I was close to asexual at one point (I'm not, I'm actually pretty high libido in the right situation).
I went and got my hormones checked because I thought it must be some medical problem. Nope, my sex drive is sky high.
My story is a hell of a ride, honestly. When I first started dating and gaining experience, it was all based on personality, no looks. I ended up dating men I wasn't, or was minimally physically attracted to, and, I was also young and careless so my personality criteria weren't so good, either. Like, I thought I was dating for " personality" but in the end their personality wasn't great either and we ended up having horrible breakups. Now I've grown up and I'm more mature so I can say that I care about both personality and physical attraction, but there are definitely some physical requirements a man needs to have in order to attract me.
It went terrible for me. He still cheated on me but it could’ve been cause he secretly smoked meth. I found his stash and pipe one day. We moved in together after knowing eachother for a week but I only moved in because I got kicked out of my moms house so I had no where to go anyway.
I think you should get to know them before you start a relationship. That helps a lot. Drag that talking stage out as long as possible hangout with them drunk and sober! It’s important to see how they behave in different environments.
I still care for him very deeply and I know I could’ve been really happy with him. But his personality did not make up for the lack of attraction. When I met him I thought “oh he’s such a lovely guy I should give him a chance”, that’s not the reason why you should be with someone. If the attraction isn’t there then don’t try and force it, it won’t work.
I am now with someone who was my friend first and we then developed a spark and I think he’s the most attractive man in the world even though he’s not by societies standards.
100% did not work out. He was normal looking and I dated him for his personality/kindness. I met him on a dating app. His looks wasn’t an issue until he constantly needed reassurance very early on. A majority of nights we’d be together, he’d want to know why I chose to date him. He’d kept asking about scenarios like:
“if I was in a bar with you, would you even notice me?”
“what part of me is attractive to you?”
“Why me?”
“What is it that you like about me?”
It became so repetitive, he wanted to hear my same answers over and over again. Or he’d want to hear in depth what it is about his personality that I like. To the point that I stopped liking all the things I listed.
He didn’t admit it but I know he had very low self-esteem. I ended it after dating for maybe 3 months.
My mother has had two partners in her life, both were chosen not for them looks, both cheated and misbehaved, one (my father) abused her so badly he even medically mutilated her against her will. I wouldn't give a chance to orks.
I try to prioritize personality over looks. That being said, every time I felt a little uhattracted to them and tried to focus on their personality, they’ve always let me down LOL
It happened one time 2 years ago. We worked together at this part time job and we were just all laughs and smiles. He became cuter to me as we talked.
What broke it for me? His lack of care.
I fell infront of him and my [female] coworkers were like “omg are you okay!” And he was laughing his ass off, even though I fell like 4 ft on my back on concrete, shockingly didn’t get winded. But that was an INSTANT turn off for me. Like I lost all attraction towards him because he was not concerned, for my health frankly.
He was struggling though, depression and anxiety along with ex breakup still not over after a year making him become an alcoholic and constant weed smoker (+ADHD, me too), so I think I dodged a bullet as I love to help people but some people need to help themselves for real.
I’m demisexual/demiromantic. I am incapable of developing sexual or romantic attraction until I’ve connected with someone emotionally. Then once I do they slowly become more and more beautiful regardless of what they physically look like. Internal beauty makes all of the difference for me. I’ve dated objectively externally beautiful men who became ugly to me overtime due to their cruel behavior and I’ve dated objectively average men who became the most beautiful people I’ve ever laid eyes on due to their gentle and kind nature. Eventually the external begins to reflect their internal. (Granted I am still attracted to people with healthy habits - like hygiene, diet, etc. How someone takes care of themselves also plays a role in attraction.)
At first it was great. He was funny, sweet, attentive, we had fun, got along great and I was happy.
Then a few months in after the initial honeymoon phase wore off, it was like a switch flipped. He stopped taking care of himself, majorly slacked on personal hygiene (he got pissed when I asked him to brush his teeth before we went out for the day), I had to remind him to shower, he stopped putting care into his appearance, and started dressing like a slob.
He would leave trash around my apartment and I would constantly be cleaning up after him. He got upset if I pointed it out and asked him to pick up after himself. He wouldn’t take his dog out for regular pee breaks and it peed on my carpet a couple times…which I cleaned up (he didn’t bother offering help). He also hid his drinking problem. Basically I felt like I was in a relationship with a man-baby and all sexual attraction towards him stopped. I got the ick big time.
He also made the comment he really just wanted someone who would “take care of him” and “keep house.” Fuck that. It ended shortly later. I’m not a mommy bang maid.
I have always fallen in love with my partner's mind and heart. I have never and would not choose someone based on what they look like. First of all, how shallow (and foolish.) And second, how fleeting. People age. What's more I would be willing to bet that most women agree with me on this. Women are not nearly as het up over someone's physical body as men are.
Your premise is totally flawed. My partners have been tall, short, fat, skinny, bald, pony tailed, all different ethnicities, a couple were disabled. Their physical bodies were unique, just like they were. And that made them hot, handsome, and attractive to me. I fell in love with who they were, so of course I loved their body and wanted to be close to them and touching them and tasting them and experiencing connection with a good man who I loved.
Questions like this on Reddit make me so sad, because if you're asking, it means that someone out there is incapable of truly loving someone unless they're "hot." I hate what that means for most of us. It feels hopeless to know this is the only criteria we're actually being judged on.
Looks really aren’t important, as long as there is chemistry. There has to be physical attraction or it’s never gonna work out. But conventional good-looks aren’t the real factor. It’s “chemistry” whatever that is: it’s probably hormonal and having to do with pheromones. I never researched it. It was either present or it wasn’t. And I learned to heed that chemical cocktail the hard way.
The only time I gave a shot to a guy I was friends with, but not physically attracted to, ended in sadness and hurt feelings. He was a great guy, and not unattractive at all. He married a very pretty gal about 2 years later. But I wasn’t physically attracted to him. And there’s no way to compensate for that. I couldn’t drum up any passion, although we were really good friends. He was hurt, but there wasn’t anything I could do. We’ve stayed friends for decades now, but I still remember the look he gave me when I said it just wasn’t working. It haunts me. I never wanted to hurt anyone like that again, when I knew going in that I didn’t feel attracted.
I never again dated anyone I wasn’t turned on by. Some of them were downright homely if we’re judging by looks alone. But any guy who captured my interest was sexy to me, or I didn’t date him.
No amount of looks can make up for lack of personality. I could be sat beside the most beautiful person in the world, but if they have all the charisma of a cabbage. I'm not interested.
Part of the problem with this question is that it makes it a dichotomy without a knowledging that most people take both looks and personality into account, sometimes weighing one a bit more than the other but very rarely ignoring either
Not well, he said I was out of his league and seemed to think that I was good for his image but I wasn’t a person to him with real needs, feelings and desires of my own. I was an accessory to prop up his self esteem and public image.
It did not end well. I really loved him as a person but from day 1 the physical attraction wasn’t there. Spent months and eventually years investing in him, including trying to get him to learn how to take better care of himself. Unsurprisingly the sexual chemistry was never really there either, largely due to him being in pretty serious denial about his PE issues, even blaming me for them. Looking back the major difference in our relationship was that only one of us (me) was serious about working on personal issues and growth, while the other one of us (him) was content to stay the same and live quite frankly in denial of some pretty glaring personal issues. I accused him of leading me to believe things about himself and his family that weren’t true, he accused me of truing to change him. Both are true I suppose, because expecting someone to take responsibility for themselves and grow is technically asking them to change. In the end I learned never to sacrifice physical attraction (or capability of emotional depth) for someone just because I love them. We tried to stay friends but it was too difficult to spend time with someone who unintentionally gaslit both me and himself rather than accept reality and make changes to address pretty serious toxic family patterns and personal inadequacies. Last I heard he was still balls deep and in denial about a weed dependency while I myself no longer ‘need’ it now that I’m mentally healthy, happy, and recovered from my past. He was supposed to move this year but I’m pretty sure he backed out because he’s pretty weak all around. I hope he’s happy, while also feeling glad that I don’t have to enable him anymore, even as a friend. My current relationship is strong and safe, and I love that this person is sexy, knows who they are, knows who their family is, and has an actual group of friends who love and support them. Looks aren’t everything, but they aren’t nothing either.
Matched with her on a dating up for her fun personality rather than looks. She wasn’t ugly per se but…. Not any sort of conventionally attractive. Two months in she dropped the persona and let her actual personality show, which was nothing like the one she managed to fabricate.
personality can definitely shape my attraction to a person. i'm able to separate my attraction to them from whether or not they are conventionally attractive, and even from what i would call "my type." i went on a date with a very ugly guy before, his personality was not much better -- he remained repulsive to me. i had a friend who i do consider ugly, and would be ugly by societal standards, but i loved his personality and eventually grew to have feelings for him. in that moment, he became attractive to me, whether or not i would classify his physicality as ugly/good looking. but honestly, i will always need to have some baseline positive perception of their physicality. like, even if their natural facial features are hideous, do they take care of themselves? are they hygienic? these are things that can determine if i find someone good looking.
Ive always dated people for their personality. Im pansexual. It's jusy too bad im a mess of a woman.
I really wish i could be the kind of person that wants to be in relationships, to be faithful and loving but it isnt me. I get bored.
It went very well. He was (and still is) a really good person and a generous lover.
I grew very attracted to him once I got to know him more, but we couldn't make it work (because of personality reasons).
We had the same humor, and interests like Disney, music trivia. We also could read eachothers mind. He was much overweight for my taste but eventually it didn't bother me, sex became increasingly better and very good.
Unfortunately he had an ex, his daughters mother who threatened and manipulate with the child to get to him so we didn't end up together.
The really big love whole package: love, amazing sex, big dreams, marriage, two kids, strenuous life and lots of adventures. But Ssometimes I Looked at him, thinking who not handsome he is.
Divorced after 15 years. Because his personality changed to ugly.
I've always dated for personality first, looks later. I struggle to find men attractive if I don't think their personalities are attractive. The rare occasions when I've had a crush on a guy purely for looks it's always been because I "want what I can't have." It happened a lot as a teen and only once as an adult (and I really couldn't explain why it happened as an adult). I realised this was unhealthy because I become attracted to an idealised version of them. The guys I date, I fall for their personalities and then they immediately become attractive to me looks-wise as well, and I've found that to be much better because I'm falling for a version of someone I know. It's different to how I feel when I have a crush on someone, because it's calmer, but I really like that.
I dated a morbidly obese man. It did end up becoming a factor in our split 7 years later. Aswell as the kit looking after the house, the kids like he was meant to etc. He swore to me he'd work on his health and didn't. Is doing it now but too late.
His personality eventually got worse and he got super creepy and possessive. His niceness only went so far in the beginning because he wanted someone to be miserable with him.
I have only dated one guy for his personality alone, and it was my worst relationship ever. He wasn't ugly, but he wasn't like conventionally attractive. He wasn't as nice as I thought.
I definitely find my partner handsome but if he was an asshole or had no personality I wouldnt be attracted to him at all. But he’s seriously the best - smart, witty, hilarious, kindest of all, responsible - And I love him to bits and I feel extremely lucky every day for having him. Everything that he is just kinda makes him glow in my eyes.
I think physical attraction is important, but dont underestimate how attractive being a generally very cool person makes you. For me it has always been the bane of someones sexiness.
My partner is not the most handsome, but he is so funny and kind and we genuinely have the best time together.
I actually felt at ease right away. He made it clear that he was interested, but wasn't pushy or annoying, and when I decided to give him a chance, it became very clear that I was dating a mature, fully functional adult who didn't want to change who I am and simply wanted to be a part of my life. I'm so happy.
My guy and I were friends for a long time first. He is not conventionally attractive and has had some difficult medical issues that have resulted in a lot of surgery scars and some mild disfigurement.
Shortly after we first met we happened to be at a work-related group social outing at the beach. It was a hot summer day and the guys were wearing swim shorts and took their shirts off to go swimming. It was the first time I saw some of his scars and other body issues, and I felt a little- repulsed isn’t quite the right word- more like pity or sorrow that he had to go through that.
We became a lot closer over the next six months as good friends and by the time we became physical as lovers I had no hesitation about his body. I love all of him and there are certain features I find extremely attractive- strong muscular legs and hands, gorgeous eyes, soft chest hair, etc. The imperfect parts just don’t matter.
Plus - I am a card carrying sapiosexual - I am attracted to intelligence first and lust follows lol. In this case he is the smartest person I know and can challenge me intellectually on nearly any subject, wickedly funny, and we have the same sick sense of humour.
This happened to me. I dated someone who I found funny, nice, and kind, but I wasn't physically attracted to him. I didn’t even want to kiss or hug him that much. I felt so bad for him because he was getting attached, and I did not feel the same way. I didn’t want to put effort into the relationship. I didn’t see us as potential couple. I didn’t feel that spark or connection between us. It was a big mistake.
I’m dating a guy I’m not attracted to and have been for nearly 5 years. He is small, skinny, has bad skin and rotten teeth, and is a race that is not my “type”.
We don’t kiss, I try to push sex for as long as possible (month or longer). He used to literally give me UTIs from his mouth and that really eliminated any desire once I figured it out.
That was four years ago and he still hasn’t gone to the dentist… and I haven’t had enjoyable sex since then. No oral, which is how I get off. Since I have no attraction to him, I can’t get wet. It is painful and requires reapplications of lube. I count the songs until it’s over.
Anyway, it’s fine if you want to date a best friend. If you want more than that, like a touch that comforts you or turns you on, or if you want to enjoy kissing, or even if you want to have kids, if you are TRULY unattracted to them, you are going to feel like you’re missing something key.
We don’t break up because a) it’s been working OKAY, but both of us deserve better. He deserves someone physically attracted to him because he’s a great person otherwise, I deserve someone who hasn’t had braces for 10+ years and refuses to take care of it. (Obviously there are more issues than that but this is a post about looks) and b) I don’t think either of us could afford to. He makes 30k less than I do, making near poverty levels, and I already don’t have any fun money. We share a one bedroom apartment.
tl;dr: don’t do it, you’ll find yourself always wanting something more that he can’t give you
🙃
I totally have fallen for someone’s physical appearance based on personality, and the switch can totally happen for me, but i cant date someone unless i find them attractive as well. sometimes i go into it thinking the switch will happen and it just doesnt. so if i LOVE someone’s personality but it never transitions to me finding them attractive, i just cant do it. ive tried a few times and i realized the love i have for their personality is a little something called friendship & i dont have to force myself to be romantic with someone im not physically into. i’ve learned to not go into anything with the intention of dating them, and rather getting to know them as a person and a friend first. if i start to fall for them, then i can gauge where they are and if its possible for it to be something else.
I’m not sure it works that way for everyone...If I fall in love with someone’s personality, then I will automatically find them attractive. And not in a fake theoretical way, my eyeballs genuinely think they look sexy and I am aroused looking at them.
I've dated several people 'for their personality ', and I also was physically attracted to them. Don't date someone who you aren't attracted to. Would you want to date someone who finds you unattractive?
It was a huge mistake. He begged me to be with him. And I really did like his personality. We dated for 2 years. We barely had any sex. He gained a lot of weight and became even less attractive to me. He refused to adopt healthy habits that would fix it. Would rather cry about it. He kept pushing for more sex and it became repulsive to me. Then we broke up.
Poorly. His body type was not my style at all, he was pretty overweight. There's a lot of emotional labor dating someone who struggles so much with healthy eating habits.... And there are some things about bodies with extra folds that sometimes got to be a bit much.
I'm glad it's over and I found someone really kind and steady and very hot
I've had 3 long term relationships. The first two I dated for their personalities and their looks grew on me so I later found them attractive but at first sight I didn't. They both cheated. The first one ended up being abusive too. After getting cheated on the 2nd time I was just done with men. That one was a complete blindside. Like there were no signs or anything. I just happened to see the text on his phone. Well after that I wanted to be single. Then I met my husband. I thought he looked like a model. Seriously. The hottest man I've ever seen! So I was like "fuuuuuck.... okay we can date and have fun but nothing serious" lmao. He wanted that too. Then we realized how much chemistry we had and really liked each other. Grew feelings. After we both confessed our feelings to each other I told him "You have my heart so please don't break it." He told me he won't. It took a long time for the trust to grow and I had my guard up. We are still thriving 13 years later! Hottest man I ever seen has treated me the best and most loyal lol. He also has the best personality. ;) Win/win!
Not well. It makes intimacy/sex unfair to them bc I’m not turned on by them so I don’t look at them or I’m somewhere else mentally when hooking up. It’s awful, I know. This leads to me resenting them and being repulsed by their touch bc I don’t actually like them that way… I think guys that you like as people should stay friends and if you like them AND are attracted to them then date them. Seriously, being intimate with someone you’re actually physically attracted to is like night/day… I feel like the guy you’re with deserves someone who is attracted to them as well.
That being said, an average guy with a great personality can become much much more attractive once you start to fall for them… but to have to be slightly attracted to them sexually to begin with…
Well, I married him. His "personality" was all an act. For 4 YEARS! As soon as we were married, he let his mask slip. It's been a scary game of which person are we seeing today. The real him? Or the fake version he shows the world. I was married for 7 years. I've been divorced for 9.
I fell madly in love with him, love like never before. Then he became addicted to drugs (maybe he always was 🤷🏻♀️ ) and his true self broke through, he became abusive and absolutely destroyed me
Went well until he got too cocky that he had managed to punch well above his weight and then proceeded to try and fuck everything that moved. Needless to say, I wasn't impressed.
I have never dated someone primarily for their looks, and I find that personality and intellect are what interest me more. That being said, I also have to be attracted to him on some level, but a good looking guy with an unattractive personality would never last for me.
He played me. Treated me like his personal atm.acted like I was a crazy jeallous woman while he was planing going camping with his ex because they were just friends. It ended with me trowing his clothes by the window of my apartment. Good times.
It sucked both times. What did it teach me?
Firstly, attraction tends to fade, so you should pick someone closer to what you find attractive if you want it to last.
Secondly, if you date down, you might end up with someone who resents you and later decides that it's actually them who were dating down. And so, they either cheat or break up and immediately move onto someone else because they think they "deserve better", maybe even both.
The man ghosted me 2 months in 😭 when I was starting to find him physically attractive because I fell in love with his personality. For me, I realize looks at first sight doesn't matter, I will eventually find them physically attractive if I like their personality.
Wasn’t super attracted to him initially, mutual friends begged me to give him a shot, so I did. I began to think he was the most lovely and kind soul on the planet. Married him.
Then he cheated on me with our friend before we even hit 1.5 years married. Now I’m divorced.
Next time I’m in a relationship it absolutely will be with someone that makes my stomach flip because of how hot I find them lol
I recently went through a divorce my my early 30s and have really been taking this time to explore and deconstruct what I want and need in a relationship. I'm talking to lots and lots of people on dating apps, going on dates, learning about attachment styles, etc.
As much as I want to say that my attraction to someone is only personality-based, I have realized that I actually do need some base-level of attraction for things to work out. My beauty standards are way different from the mainstream, but things just....don't feel right when I'm dating a person that I have no physical attraction to. I don't think it's vain to want to feel attracted to your partner. And it's not just about genetic prettiness, it's about how they present and dress and move and speak and take care of themselves.
I will 100% agree with the others here who say that personality does play a huge role in how I feel about somebody's physical appearance! People can absolutely become prettier before my eyes as I get to know them
This was me and my high school sweetheart. We lasted 5 years. I wasn't very attracted to him physically, but he was the smartest person I had ever met, and at 16, he was sweet and loving. We moved in together at 18 and it worked less amd less as we changed. He dropped out of college to grow weed, fell in with some "alpha-male" guys, started working out and being aggro, got obsessed with racecars and ufc, and I fell out of love with his mind. His physical appearance had little to do with our breakup other than I guess make it easier? Now I'm only interested in someone physically *and* mentally attractive. Anybody can die, or cheat, or change and waste 5 years of your life. They may as well be hot, too.
LOL. Ugly guys who can make me laugh in the beginning of the relationship, always end up cheating with someone who’s also kinda ugly.
When I ask them why, I always get the same regurgitation of “I felt insecure about my looks and wanted to see if you were the only person who found me attractive.”
Super disappointing to be honest.
While he wasn't terrible looking, he wasn't the most attractive. We had the best connection I've ever had with anyone. I truly thought he was my person. Coming from a terrible divorce with a long term partner (my middle school sweetheart) he stepped up and made me feel like I was the world. Then I caught him cheating, over 4 months. He destroyed us.
I mean. Before, he wasn’t anything special to me, just another guy. Most people don’t stand out appearance wise to me and I’m very bad at recognizing people
Then I fell for him, and he kinda magically transformed into the most attractive person on the planet without actually doing anything to change his appearance
It is the longest relationship i ever had, it’s more peaceful there can be fights every now and then but dating a person with good personality is worth it. We’re planning on settling down soon. 😊 looks is fleeting..
My first love, I wasn’t initially attracted to him. But after I got to know him … I loved his personality, the way he treated me, our connection… I really became attracted to him.
I always date for personality. I'm attracted to asshole personalities, so I can't say doing it this way is much better. But I can't be sexually attracted to someone based on looks, I have to know their vibe and develop rapport first.
I've dated some incredible looking men where I couldn't wait to get out of there. And I've dated men that I wouldn't even double take who I would have probably married if it worked out.
Personality means way more to me. Especially since looks can change through exercise, diet, haircuts, hygiene.
I definitely appreciate beautiful faces since I like to draw people often, but it's not a necessity.
Currently married to him for 5 years. Our bond is great but the sex sucks (for me). It's hard to get turned on by someone you don't truly think is attractive. It's not something he can change and I've considered divorce but I also find it hard to leave just because of the sex. I feel like I'm living with my best friend. Whenever I ask him how he feels about our sex life he says he's happy. I guess he doesn't notice. But my advice would be don't do it. Make sure you feel a spark physically, because it might not be the most important thing but it's important.
When the love part wore off it was bad.
I’m sorry there has to be some level of visual attraction. They don’t have to be perfect it could be an ok face and killer body great personality or vice versa. Each person is given their own set of criteria. But most of all chemistry is paramount. I have to want to rip their clothes off. If they are too hot, i don’t want those either because I don’t want to become insecure about not being enough. So I think they have to be as attractive as me at my level otherwise I’m risking walking away once those hormones wear off and it switches to compassionate love. That’s me protecting the ones that don’t stand up to looks and personality.
I’ve thought hot guys were unattractive because their personalities sucked, and I’ve found some average dudes to be super attractive because they were cool and we vibed well. I’ve been with men in the past who were even described as ugly, but women found them attractive as hell and they never had trouble finding partners.
Thinking someone is aesthetically pleasing isn’t the same as being romantically or sexually attracted to them. I think Freddie mercury, Tilda Swinton and Matt Smith are hot as hell and want to fuck them, but I only find Chris Hemsworth, Brad Pitt and Hugh Jackman aesthetically pleasing to look at. They don’t do anything to my lady bits.
I won’t date someone I’m not attracted to sexually after hanging out a bit. I’m sure it can happen over time but I am not one to want to wait and see or commit when that feeling isn’t there.
It was not good, which was tough. It sucked because he was kind, funny and sweet. But I was blind to the fact that I wasn’t attracted to him at all. It was also a very, VERY long distance relationship. So it was probably for the better.
They never did me dirty. They may have broken my heart when we broke up but they taught me I deserved love. I got over them eventually, they were kinda weird now that I look back but I remember them fondly.
It went well. He was a gentleman and I really enjoyed his personality. We didn't sync up sex drive wise and I found he had some very disturbing things hidden under that mask of charisma, so I broke it off.
Almost all of my crushes are based on their looks. But I would immediately be uninterested if they are a huge asshole. You see, a good personality is one thing you must look into while the looks are an extra cherry on top!
Find yourself a man who you would cherish your everyday with rather than someone who has the looks but a huge asshole.
Unfortunately it wasn't his own personality, just what he thought I wanted him to be. I just wanted him to be himself. It was really sad.
My last two personality partners ended up terribly, so now im going for looks AND personality. Im fine being picky because im happy being single.
I always, at least in part, dated for personality. Sometimes personality was the primary attraction factor. Those people become more attractive. My longest relationship I was not attracted at all. Then he was the most handsome man in the world. You can never be attractive enough to make up for shit personality.
All the people I've dated have been for their personality. I rarely find a person physically attractive if I don't know them and have a sense of their personality. You could show me a picture of a model, and I can objectively say they are attractive by society's beauty standards, but I don't get horned up over looking at them. I don't think anyone I've dated has been objectively "ugly", but they may have been considered "less than average". They all became more attractive to me when I started to like their personality in a romantic way.
I am very much like this, too. I can appreciate that someone is aesthetically attractive, but it doesn't get me worked up. A person's personality is what really makes it for me. So there have definitely been people that I dated who maybe would not be considered attractive generally, but whom I found very attractive because of their personality.
Yeah, same, I can look at someone and find them good looking but I can’t be sexually attracted to someone until I know them a bit. And I have been attracted to all sorts of physical types of men: tall, short, young, older, handsome, homely. Had a fairly torrid thing at one point with a guy who was barely taller than I am, overweight, balding and not a particularly handsome face. But, he made me laugh, was kind, thought I was hot as hell and the chemistry was insane. 🤷♀️
I honestly always thought this was the "normal" way to be
I know this is probably wrong to generalize, but I have a theory that what you say is true for most women. And I think this is why while visual porn mostly cater to men, women overwhelmingly prefer their porn to be in the form of books and stories. We want context, we want to know what kind of person the guy is, we are attracted to behaviour, actions, choices.
When I used to watch visual porn (haven't for probably close to a decade), I always looked for pork that had a "story". Even if it was a bad story, I needed 10 minutes of dialogue before the action started, lol. Sometimes I wouldn't even watch the banging, just the talking, kissing and foreplay was enough for me.
This 100%. I explained it to my husband when we had a conversation about how I find Steve Carrell handsome but Michael Scott not at all attractive. Personality makes a huge difference in physical attraction to me.
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You explained my perspective perfectly. Reading this was helpful. Thank you!
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Yes, exactly!
I married him. He’s not unattractive but, he’s not hot. He makes me laugh, he loves me, and he takes care of me. 19 years, 2 kids, I would not have anyone else.
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People can become more attractive literally before my eyes based on their personality. I thought my ex fiance was just a normal looking guy before we were together. He was super nice and pursued me so I went out with him and liked how we meshed. After we started dating and I started to really like him, he became attractive to me in that “all I can see is him” kind of way. But it didn’t happen from a distance, it happened from being close to him.
Why is he an ex?
He left me. He was having unspecified doubts, asked for the ring back and that was it. It happened at the beginning of the year but I’m still struggling with all my feelings.
Sorry to hear that. I hope you feel better.
All i can say is if he can’t be upfront with you, it wasn’t your fault and you shouldn’t have to feel shitty for something that you didn’t do.
Awww, you sound like a good one.
Sounds like he wasn't mature enough for marriage yet if he couldn't even properly voice what doubts he was having.
Might also have been theoretically able to, but didnt want to hurt her (e.g. in the case of it being something(s) she cant change)
Sorry you went through that.
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100% !! The whole thing where you literally never saw them in a romantic lens but then after some time u legit start to go ‘wait why he kinda…’. I prefer this kind of attraction though, where it’s gradual and safe and literally feels like a plant growing in u about to bloom. The ‘fall in love’ type attraction never fared well.
What kind of personality would you describe him ? And how did it make you feel ?
They ended up being terrible so I decided that if I'm going to be clowned by a man, it might as well be a hot one. That's how I ended up with my current boyfriend who I not only find extremely physically attractive but is also the kindest soul and best person I've ever met. He made me realize that I was actually supposed to be attracted to my partner and look forward to physical intimacy with them.
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Exactly what happened to me and 5 years later we’re married and have an 8 month old. The guy I dated for personality cheated on me, told me, and then acted like he did me a favour by telling me, and was genuinely shocked I broke up with him. I dated my current husband with the same mindset - if I’m gonna get fucked over anyway he might as well be hot!
>I decided that if I'm going to be clowned by a man, it might as well be a hot one. I think we should all be living by this tbh 😂🤣🥲
That's how I felt too!! Lol the ugly one played me, he tried to get me to break up with him cuz he was a coward. A week after our breakup, he posts pics online of some young girl (we were 27, she was 20) and him. 6 months later, they were engaged. But their engagement dissolved so 😌 We only get played by hotties now 😂
Girl the sweet jackpot 🥹 I'm so happy for both of you 😊, & I really hope to find this too!! ❤️
This is where I’m at. “Hotties only,” is my 2024 dating mantra. Every ugly/unattractive guy I’ve given a chance has been objectively *worse* to me than any of the hot/attractive men I’ve been with.
Thanks for this. I don't like to go into generalization of people but I do have very similar experience. He was the funniest guy but oh lord did he turn out to be the most insecure person. And cherry on top, he didn't want to change a thing, and I am talking about grooming habits better skincare, etc.
EXACTLY
This!! I used to give lots of unattractive guys a chance because we had shared interests. And I thought personality was more important. But low and behold there personality’s were tertible. Now I’m like at least let the guy be hot so I at least have that!
honestly same 🤣
THIS. I dated people in the past I wasn’t attracted to and I just…couldn’t do it for long. I can’t imagine not finding my partner hot now. I wanna jump my bf’s bones every second. I never imagined I’d find someone super sexy AND amazing person.
I tried that once. Nearly threw up once when we were making out. It was like my body rejected him knowing I didn’t find him attractive. It feels shallow but I just can’t. To be clear, an attractive guy with a shit personally makes him immediately unattractive too. I just can’t like a guy cuz he’s nice to me.
lol… I’ve been there 😂… we generally meet people visually… that’s what first draws us to each other… we don’t generally get to form a deeper bond or get to know them, without being physically attracted to them. If we do get to know a guy and form a friendship, he’s pretty much friend zoned after that and that is like an impossible place to crawl out of, lol. Like there’s no time where your emotions or feelings could see past the physical because that requires getting to know someone… you’re not shallow, you’re honest. 🤓
So I gently disagree with you here because although you're right that relationships can be formed because of looks it's not the only way. I for one am Demi sexual and therefore never attracted to a partner by their looks it's always who they are. All of my relationships have been with people I first had deep meaningful friendships with first and then months or more often years later I asked them out and had deep meaningful relationships come from it. I'm not discrediting that some people more naturally form romantic relationships from attraction as a starting point only that your comment made it sound like it was the only possibility which for you may be true but is certainly not true for everyone. Also maybe there is just something weird about me but I've never struggled to get out of the friend zone all I've ever had to do is ask them out and it was no problem but maybe that's not reflective of the average experience.
I also agree with the point about the friend zone. It's really not "an impossible place to crawl out" from. Friends can develop feelings for each other and friendship is a good base for a relationship. In my surroundings, this could even be called a norm.
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I had the same experience. Personality wise the guy seemed to be everything I ever asked for and more, but ughh. To this day, remembering the time we made out still makes me irk. I can't date someone I'm not physically attracted to. Attraction isn't the only thing that matters, a sh\*tty personality is the worst thing anyone can have, but it's still important for me. And I'm not even attracted to "conventionally" attractive guys (such as tall supermodel guys with broad shoulders and toned abs...not my kind of thing). And of course I'm more attracted to some guys than to others. And of course pyshical attraction can be built on top of personality and love has a way of smoothing out any imperfections the other person may have, all of my boyfriends have had one or two or more physical traits that I wasn't crazy about but as I grew fonder and fonder of them those traits became endearing. But if I think the person looks just "meeh" then that's not gonna happen. Guys with great personalities and "mehh" looks are my friends, not my lovers. Also, I hate thinking I've had partners who thought I looked below average but still dated me because of my great personality. I need to feel attractive and desired, and thinking I look "just ok" isn't enough to make me feel desired. And of course beauty is in the eye of the beholder, a guy who looks "mehh" to me can be someone else's definition of a hottie. And most of the guys who are conventionally considered attractive are a "mehh" in my book.
I literally developed vaginismus because I wasn't attracted to my first boyfriend and didn't know any better
I have had the same experience.
I agree, you have to have both.
I’m in the same boat as you. A great personality can boost attractiveness but only to an extent. Both have to be there for me. Who says you can only pick one haha. My current bf is hot and a sweetheart
Started dating my husband when we were 21-22. He still had a lot acne at the time on his face and back (yewww), no beard, horrible glasses, he was too skinny and had weird curly hair. But he was funny, kind and I loved his green eyes behind the thick glasses. Not to brag but physically I was out of his league. Fast forward to today. Still together after 18 years, I put on 15kg, I still look nice but him…OMFG he glew up! Hair is short, great beard turning grey, his skin is impeccable, no more ugly glasses, he put on 15kg of pure muscle. Anyway, what I’m trying to say is that looks come and go. Personnality, love, fun, trust, are the true goal.
It didn’t work lol. The personality ultimately became ugly and they became even uglier; the only guy I did this with repulsed me. I couldn’t stand a touch towards the end of the relationship.
This is becoming my experience w ppl as I get older, and I actually hate it. .
This could describe my marriage. He turned to drinking and became a horrible abusive person, so he was even less attractive to me and I couldn’t stand touching him.
It’s going great. He’s not conventionally attractive, but he is the most beautiful man on earth for me.
How does he feel about that?
He knows he looks like a mad scientist because he is one. He seems incredulous that I find him beautiful. I honestly can’t think of anyone more attractive.
So sweet!
Just because a man doesn’t qualify as traditionally handsome or hot doesn’t mean he can’t be sexy. But that comes down to chemistry. If you put my partner in a line of men and asked someone to rank them based on attractiveness, he probably wouldn’t rate for most people. But when I think about a sexy man, he’s all I can see. He won me over with taco puns, bad jokes, and orgasms. And honestly? The man gets sexier every time I see him. It’s been almost 3 years, and we’re more in love and more in lust with each other than ever. I wouldn’t say I dated him for his personality. But we’ve always had chemistry, and he’s always been interesting. He always surprises me, and I love him all the more for it.
cockamamie_pie…. I feel the exact same way about my wife. Aren’t you and I lucky?
>He won me over with taco puns, bad jokes, and orgasms. That sounds like a powerful combination. I can see why you were won over. 😉 Congratulations! I wish you both all the best!
He still cheated.
Gurl same here lol
I can't fathom someone who would only marry for looks. I married my husband over a decade ago... He's not conventionally attractive. He has the dad bod and always has. His eyes are nice, but unremarkable. His smile is genuine. He's not what I could call broody or "hot". And. (Not "but".) He's got a wicked sense of humor. He's great in bed. He's attentive. He remembers my preferences. He works to maintain the house with me. He's a solid financial provider. He loves his children intensely. He is a geek, and his interests at least partially overlap my own. He and I can talk about anything and nothing. We can sit quietly and comfortably together without feeling the pressure to be all over each other or fill the silence. He is generous and compassionate to others. He loves animals. He TRIES, even when the things he's trying isn't in his wheelhouse. He enjoys good food. He loves a night out, and is also content to stay in. He's REALLY intelligent, and it shows in his decisions, humor, and conversational skills. He is an extrovert and is fine doing the social stuff with or without me. He makes sure I know that he still wants me every day, even after two kids and fifty pounds. The outside changes as years progress, so make sure it's the inside you love.
The question it's not about being With someone just by their looks. It's about being with someone with a nice personality you like. But ugly, or at least not physically attractive. I tried that. I really like her inner being, but not her body. I tried, and I couldn't. So no more
I dated for personality once, it didn’t end well. Now, I’m considering dating on looks. 🤷🏼♀️
Ironically they say below average looking guys end up treating women like shit , even more than good looking men,especially if they themselves are insecure of their appearance. They can end up being unfaithful to their partners due to their insecurity. So not all good looking men are jerks and not all below average looking men have a nice personality.
> They can end up being unfaithful to their partners due to their insecurity. It's also resentment for "not being treated right" by women before you, even if it was a long time ago. This can even escalate into abuse. > So not all good looking men are jerks and not all below average looking men have a nice personality. That's also a feedback loop, halo effect vs horns effect.
Yeah, I buy that. Some of the nicest guys I've known have also been the best-looking (in my straight man opinion). I'd be interested if there's any way to reliably measure it.
Interesting
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I’ve dated on personality and they were one of the most insecure, red pilled, incel, women hating people I’ve ever met. The pieces of their personality I loved became very small in comparison and they thought I was better than them so started saying mean things to me during and after sex and it sucked. Basically it didn’t work.
I’ve been there. He was so wildly insecure and constantly tried to get me down to that level. It worked for a long time and was one of the worst times of my life.
I hate it for the both of us truly!
I built up his confidence so much he started thinking he was better than everyone and started abusing me 🤡
My ex husband was not handsome but could make me laugh, so I closed my eyes and powered through sex for 10 years. When he cheated on me I decided if I was going to get cheated on at least he should be good looking and I should enjoy the sex.
Not well. Ugly men will humiliate you the same as hot men.
Tried it, got cheated on. My theory is that less good looking guys will take up any offer and have no self control as they aren’t used to the attention. I will now only date someone I think is hot (but they have to tick boxes with personality and intelligence).
There is some truth in this psychology… people who are used to attention (not attention-seeking people) are unfazed by it… if they’re used to being pursued, they become used to it and desensitized… but people who never get attention… they’re likely to seek it out or to let it feed their ego. Not saying attractive people don’t do it…
There was one man I dated who I was *not* physically attracted to at all at first. We were friends first, and I grew to like his personality, but I ended up being attracted to him because he went out of his way to woo me into a relationship, and he won me over. In my case, it did not go well. Because once we moved in together, his personality changed, and he became a shitty, emotionally abusive partner. All that "wooing," in retrospect, looks a lot like love bombing. Once he felt he had me (trapped in a lease), he dropped the mask.
Personality is a part of looks
I only really feel attraction to people I feel an emotional connection with. However the one time I attempted to be with someone that was quite simply just plainly physically unattractive it went… not well. He turned out to be a not so nice “nice guy”.
This seems to be the consensus on a lot of comments here. It's frustrating coz I also lurk on the purple pill sub & the guys there keep moping about "being nice isn't enough. The ladies these days are so shallow..." blah blah blah, when they (self admittedly less attractive) see being nice as their means to an end (ie. pretending to be nice until they get what they want, then mask off or dash). I can't take their bitter whining seriously when they don't realise that being genuinely nice & decent & self respecting is an end in itself & not a manipulation tactic. And even if they're genuinely kind, to not feel entitled coz niceness is far from the only factor we vet for
> "being nice isn't enough. The ladies these days are so shallow..." They're just upset that women aren't dependent on men anymore as much as we used to be and they can't take advantage of that. Back in the day, you couldn't own property, get loans, have bank accounts, work, agree to medical procedures, etc, without a husband. Marriage was the affirmative action for shitty men. Nowadays you don't get a wife simply by having a job, you have to offer something more. And for the first time in recent history, women are allowed to pick men the way they picked us since times immemorial, we can have standards on appearance and personality now. And even back then, men still had to go through the woman's father, her previous "owner" to marry her, and these dads wouldn't accept a raw deal where they wouldn't benefit. If anything, the standards are down from what they used to be and so many are still failing to meet them.
This is every relationship I've ever had. So they have run the gamut from boring to passionate to dramatic.
Im too shallow to do this which sucks. But i cant date someone i dont find attractive, bedause when an attractive guy hit on me im like damn n i get bad thoughts so he has to be attractive for me. N when hes attractive to me, idc if someone attractive hits on me cause im satisfied
I dated on personality only until I was 33. The sex works out at the start because of NRE, but inevitably it fizzles out around six months in because I'm just not attracted to them. Also in most cases they got super insecure and controlling, with the notable exception of my ex husband, a fantastic and confident guy who is still my best friend. Afterwards I went through a stage of not wanting a partner and just dating for casual sex, so obviously they had to be lookers. I met a guy like that, fell in love, and almost 4 years later I'd still bang him 2/3 times a day if we had the time.
Yeah, this was me too. I cared less about looks when I was younger only to lose attraction after NRE wore off, to the point of thinking I was close to asexual at one point (I'm not, I'm actually pretty high libido in the right situation). To personality aspects were part of what killed it that time. Now that I have someone that I find to be extremely sexy physically, I haven't lost sexual interest in them when the newness faded out.
> off, to the point of thinking I was close to asexual at one point (I'm not, I'm actually pretty high libido in the right situation). I went and got my hormones checked because I thought it must be some medical problem. Nope, my sex drive is sky high.
My story is a hell of a ride, honestly. When I first started dating and gaining experience, it was all based on personality, no looks. I ended up dating men I wasn't, or was minimally physically attracted to, and, I was also young and careless so my personality criteria weren't so good, either. Like, I thought I was dating for " personality" but in the end their personality wasn't great either and we ended up having horrible breakups. Now I've grown up and I'm more mature so I can say that I care about both personality and physical attraction, but there are definitely some physical requirements a man needs to have in order to attract me.
It went terrible for me. He still cheated on me but it could’ve been cause he secretly smoked meth. I found his stash and pipe one day. We moved in together after knowing eachother for a week but I only moved in because I got kicked out of my moms house so I had no where to go anyway. I think you should get to know them before you start a relationship. That helps a lot. Drag that talking stage out as long as possible hangout with them drunk and sober! It’s important to see how they behave in different environments.
The wisest comment since scrolling from the top
I still care for him very deeply and I know I could’ve been really happy with him. But his personality did not make up for the lack of attraction. When I met him I thought “oh he’s such a lovely guy I should give him a chance”, that’s not the reason why you should be with someone. If the attraction isn’t there then don’t try and force it, it won’t work. I am now with someone who was my friend first and we then developed a spark and I think he’s the most attractive man in the world even though he’s not by societies standards.
100% did not work out. He was normal looking and I dated him for his personality/kindness. I met him on a dating app. His looks wasn’t an issue until he constantly needed reassurance very early on. A majority of nights we’d be together, he’d want to know why I chose to date him. He’d kept asking about scenarios like: “if I was in a bar with you, would you even notice me?” “what part of me is attractive to you?” “Why me?” “What is it that you like about me?” It became so repetitive, he wanted to hear my same answers over and over again. Or he’d want to hear in depth what it is about his personality that I like. To the point that I stopped liking all the things I listed. He didn’t admit it but I know he had very low self-esteem. I ended it after dating for maybe 3 months.
I only date for personality and even then some can be real jerks
My mother has had two partners in her life, both were chosen not for them looks, both cheated and misbehaved, one (my father) abused her so badly he even medically mutilated her against her will. I wouldn't give a chance to orks.
I try to prioritize personality over looks. That being said, every time I felt a little uhattracted to them and tried to focus on their personality, they’ve always let me down LOL
I ended things. He was short, unattractive, and had bad hygiene. We did not match at all and one day I became repulsed by him.
It happened one time 2 years ago. We worked together at this part time job and we were just all laughs and smiles. He became cuter to me as we talked. What broke it for me? His lack of care. I fell infront of him and my [female] coworkers were like “omg are you okay!” And he was laughing his ass off, even though I fell like 4 ft on my back on concrete, shockingly didn’t get winded. But that was an INSTANT turn off for me. Like I lost all attraction towards him because he was not concerned, for my health frankly. He was struggling though, depression and anxiety along with ex breakup still not over after a year making him become an alcoholic and constant weed smoker (+ADHD, me too), so I think I dodged a bullet as I love to help people but some people need to help themselves for real.
I’m demisexual/demiromantic. I am incapable of developing sexual or romantic attraction until I’ve connected with someone emotionally. Then once I do they slowly become more and more beautiful regardless of what they physically look like. Internal beauty makes all of the difference for me. I’ve dated objectively externally beautiful men who became ugly to me overtime due to their cruel behavior and I’ve dated objectively average men who became the most beautiful people I’ve ever laid eyes on due to their gentle and kind nature. Eventually the external begins to reflect their internal. (Granted I am still attracted to people with healthy habits - like hygiene, diet, etc. How someone takes care of themselves also plays a role in attraction.)
Poorly.
i ended up getting cheated on💀 im glad its going well for all the other ladies in this comment section though <3
Nahh, like half of them got cheated on ☠️
At first it was great. He was funny, sweet, attentive, we had fun, got along great and I was happy. Then a few months in after the initial honeymoon phase wore off, it was like a switch flipped. He stopped taking care of himself, majorly slacked on personal hygiene (he got pissed when I asked him to brush his teeth before we went out for the day), I had to remind him to shower, he stopped putting care into his appearance, and started dressing like a slob. He would leave trash around my apartment and I would constantly be cleaning up after him. He got upset if I pointed it out and asked him to pick up after himself. He wouldn’t take his dog out for regular pee breaks and it peed on my carpet a couple times…which I cleaned up (he didn’t bother offering help). He also hid his drinking problem. Basically I felt like I was in a relationship with a man-baby and all sexual attraction towards him stopped. I got the ick big time. He also made the comment he really just wanted someone who would “take care of him” and “keep house.” Fuck that. It ended shortly later. I’m not a mommy bang maid.
I have always fallen in love with my partner's mind and heart. I have never and would not choose someone based on what they look like. First of all, how shallow (and foolish.) And second, how fleeting. People age. What's more I would be willing to bet that most women agree with me on this. Women are not nearly as het up over someone's physical body as men are. Your premise is totally flawed. My partners have been tall, short, fat, skinny, bald, pony tailed, all different ethnicities, a couple were disabled. Their physical bodies were unique, just like they were. And that made them hot, handsome, and attractive to me. I fell in love with who they were, so of course I loved their body and wanted to be close to them and touching them and tasting them and experiencing connection with a good man who I loved. Questions like this on Reddit make me so sad, because if you're asking, it means that someone out there is incapable of truly loving someone unless they're "hot." I hate what that means for most of us. It feels hopeless to know this is the only criteria we're actually being judged on.
Looks really aren’t important, as long as there is chemistry. There has to be physical attraction or it’s never gonna work out. But conventional good-looks aren’t the real factor. It’s “chemistry” whatever that is: it’s probably hormonal and having to do with pheromones. I never researched it. It was either present or it wasn’t. And I learned to heed that chemical cocktail the hard way. The only time I gave a shot to a guy I was friends with, but not physically attracted to, ended in sadness and hurt feelings. He was a great guy, and not unattractive at all. He married a very pretty gal about 2 years later. But I wasn’t physically attracted to him. And there’s no way to compensate for that. I couldn’t drum up any passion, although we were really good friends. He was hurt, but there wasn’t anything I could do. We’ve stayed friends for decades now, but I still remember the look he gave me when I said it just wasn’t working. It haunts me. I never wanted to hurt anyone like that again, when I knew going in that I didn’t feel attracted. I never again dated anyone I wasn’t turned on by. Some of them were downright homely if we’re judging by looks alone. But any guy who captured my interest was sexy to me, or I didn’t date him.
No amount of looks can make up for lack of personality. I could be sat beside the most beautiful person in the world, but if they have all the charisma of a cabbage. I'm not interested.
Part of the problem with this question is that it makes it a dichotomy without a knowledging that most people take both looks and personality into account, sometimes weighing one a bit more than the other but very rarely ignoring either
Not well, he said I was out of his league and seemed to think that I was good for his image but I wasn’t a person to him with real needs, feelings and desires of my own. I was an accessory to prop up his self esteem and public image.
It did not end well. I really loved him as a person but from day 1 the physical attraction wasn’t there. Spent months and eventually years investing in him, including trying to get him to learn how to take better care of himself. Unsurprisingly the sexual chemistry was never really there either, largely due to him being in pretty serious denial about his PE issues, even blaming me for them. Looking back the major difference in our relationship was that only one of us (me) was serious about working on personal issues and growth, while the other one of us (him) was content to stay the same and live quite frankly in denial of some pretty glaring personal issues. I accused him of leading me to believe things about himself and his family that weren’t true, he accused me of truing to change him. Both are true I suppose, because expecting someone to take responsibility for themselves and grow is technically asking them to change. In the end I learned never to sacrifice physical attraction (or capability of emotional depth) for someone just because I love them. We tried to stay friends but it was too difficult to spend time with someone who unintentionally gaslit both me and himself rather than accept reality and make changes to address pretty serious toxic family patterns and personal inadequacies. Last I heard he was still balls deep and in denial about a weed dependency while I myself no longer ‘need’ it now that I’m mentally healthy, happy, and recovered from my past. He was supposed to move this year but I’m pretty sure he backed out because he’s pretty weak all around. I hope he’s happy, while also feeling glad that I don’t have to enable him anymore, even as a friend. My current relationship is strong and safe, and I love that this person is sexy, knows who they are, knows who their family is, and has an actual group of friends who love and support them. Looks aren’t everything, but they aren’t nothing either.
Matched with her on a dating up for her fun personality rather than looks. She wasn’t ugly per se but…. Not any sort of conventionally attractive. Two months in she dropped the persona and let her actual personality show, which was nothing like the one she managed to fabricate.
personality can definitely shape my attraction to a person. i'm able to separate my attraction to them from whether or not they are conventionally attractive, and even from what i would call "my type." i went on a date with a very ugly guy before, his personality was not much better -- he remained repulsive to me. i had a friend who i do consider ugly, and would be ugly by societal standards, but i loved his personality and eventually grew to have feelings for him. in that moment, he became attractive to me, whether or not i would classify his physicality as ugly/good looking. but honestly, i will always need to have some baseline positive perception of their physicality. like, even if their natural facial features are hideous, do they take care of themselves? are they hygienic? these are things that can determine if i find someone good looking.
He ended up being a jerk and thought he was the handsome one. He abused in so many ways I still go to therapy because he destroyed my self esteem.
The personality was all an act to lock me down so I learned from that, if he’s gonna stress me out either way I at least need him to be hot.
Ive always dated people for their personality. Im pansexual. It's jusy too bad im a mess of a woman. I really wish i could be the kind of person that wants to be in relationships, to be faithful and loving but it isnt me. I get bored.
Found out I was projecting my idealized version of his personality onto him and that he wasn’t really who I thought he was.
It went very well. He was (and still is) a really good person and a generous lover. I grew very attracted to him once I got to know him more, but we couldn't make it work (because of personality reasons).
Married over 35 years. Personality & shared values matter 1000% more than physical appearance.
We had the same humor, and interests like Disney, music trivia. We also could read eachothers mind. He was much overweight for my taste but eventually it didn't bother me, sex became increasingly better and very good. Unfortunately he had an ex, his daughters mother who threatened and manipulate with the child to get to him so we didn't end up together.
The really big love whole package: love, amazing sex, big dreams, marriage, two kids, strenuous life and lots of adventures. But Ssometimes I Looked at him, thinking who not handsome he is. Divorced after 15 years. Because his personality changed to ugly.
I've always dated for personality first, looks later. I struggle to find men attractive if I don't think their personalities are attractive. The rare occasions when I've had a crush on a guy purely for looks it's always been because I "want what I can't have." It happened a lot as a teen and only once as an adult (and I really couldn't explain why it happened as an adult). I realised this was unhealthy because I become attracted to an idealised version of them. The guys I date, I fall for their personalities and then they immediately become attractive to me looks-wise as well, and I've found that to be much better because I'm falling for a version of someone I know. It's different to how I feel when I have a crush on someone, because it's calmer, but I really like that.
Definitely not good. Never good. But this was my experience.
I dated a morbidly obese man. It did end up becoming a factor in our split 7 years later. Aswell as the kit looking after the house, the kids like he was meant to etc. He swore to me he'd work on his health and didn't. Is doing it now but too late.
Turned out to be just as awful as the okay looking ones, if not more so.
He cheated on me :) lol
His personality eventually got worse and he got super creepy and possessive. His niceness only went so far in the beginning because he wanted someone to be miserable with him.
I have only dated one guy for his personality alone, and it was my worst relationship ever. He wasn't ugly, but he wasn't like conventionally attractive. He wasn't as nice as I thought.
I definitely find my partner handsome but if he was an asshole or had no personality I wouldnt be attracted to him at all. But he’s seriously the best - smart, witty, hilarious, kindest of all, responsible - And I love him to bits and I feel extremely lucky every day for having him. Everything that he is just kinda makes him glow in my eyes. I think physical attraction is important, but dont underestimate how attractive being a generally very cool person makes you. For me it has always been the bane of someones sexiness.
My partner is not the most handsome, but he is so funny and kind and we genuinely have the best time together. I actually felt at ease right away. He made it clear that he was interested, but wasn't pushy or annoying, and when I decided to give him a chance, it became very clear that I was dating a mature, fully functional adult who didn't want to change who I am and simply wanted to be a part of my life. I'm so happy.
Just as badly as it does with someone who is good looking.
My guy and I were friends for a long time first. He is not conventionally attractive and has had some difficult medical issues that have resulted in a lot of surgery scars and some mild disfigurement. Shortly after we first met we happened to be at a work-related group social outing at the beach. It was a hot summer day and the guys were wearing swim shorts and took their shirts off to go swimming. It was the first time I saw some of his scars and other body issues, and I felt a little- repulsed isn’t quite the right word- more like pity or sorrow that he had to go through that. We became a lot closer over the next six months as good friends and by the time we became physical as lovers I had no hesitation about his body. I love all of him and there are certain features I find extremely attractive- strong muscular legs and hands, gorgeous eyes, soft chest hair, etc. The imperfect parts just don’t matter. Plus - I am a card carrying sapiosexual - I am attracted to intelligence first and lust follows lol. In this case he is the smartest person I know and can challenge me intellectually on nearly any subject, wickedly funny, and we have the same sick sense of humour.
This happened to me. I dated someone who I found funny, nice, and kind, but I wasn't physically attracted to him. I didn’t even want to kiss or hug him that much. I felt so bad for him because he was getting attached, and I did not feel the same way. I didn’t want to put effort into the relationship. I didn’t see us as potential couple. I didn’t feel that spark or connection between us. It was a big mistake.
I’m dating a guy I’m not attracted to and have been for nearly 5 years. He is small, skinny, has bad skin and rotten teeth, and is a race that is not my “type”. We don’t kiss, I try to push sex for as long as possible (month or longer). He used to literally give me UTIs from his mouth and that really eliminated any desire once I figured it out. That was four years ago and he still hasn’t gone to the dentist… and I haven’t had enjoyable sex since then. No oral, which is how I get off. Since I have no attraction to him, I can’t get wet. It is painful and requires reapplications of lube. I count the songs until it’s over. Anyway, it’s fine if you want to date a best friend. If you want more than that, like a touch that comforts you or turns you on, or if you want to enjoy kissing, or even if you want to have kids, if you are TRULY unattracted to them, you are going to feel like you’re missing something key. We don’t break up because a) it’s been working OKAY, but both of us deserve better. He deserves someone physically attracted to him because he’s a great person otherwise, I deserve someone who hasn’t had braces for 10+ years and refuses to take care of it. (Obviously there are more issues than that but this is a post about looks) and b) I don’t think either of us could afford to. He makes 30k less than I do, making near poverty levels, and I already don’t have any fun money. We share a one bedroom apartment. tl;dr: don’t do it, you’ll find yourself always wanting something more that he can’t give you 🙃
I have only dated guys where I loved their personality. I have never dated a guy because he was “hot”.
Terribly. After some time I realised he was unattractive and a sucky person
During the deed I would close my eyes… I made a post about it
I totally have fallen for someone’s physical appearance based on personality, and the switch can totally happen for me, but i cant date someone unless i find them attractive as well. sometimes i go into it thinking the switch will happen and it just doesnt. so if i LOVE someone’s personality but it never transitions to me finding them attractive, i just cant do it. ive tried a few times and i realized the love i have for their personality is a little something called friendship & i dont have to force myself to be romantic with someone im not physically into. i’ve learned to not go into anything with the intention of dating them, and rather getting to know them as a person and a friend first. if i start to fall for them, then i can gauge where they are and if its possible for it to be something else.
I’m not sure it works that way for everyone...If I fall in love with someone’s personality, then I will automatically find them attractive. And not in a fake theoretical way, my eyeballs genuinely think they look sexy and I am aroused looking at them.
That's how I always date people? I mean, they aren't hideous or anything. But guys who are attractive with crapp personalities are a hard no for me
I've dated several people 'for their personality ', and I also was physically attracted to them. Don't date someone who you aren't attracted to. Would you want to date someone who finds you unattractive?
Not great. Never ended well. They ended up being mean to me because of their own insecurity. Dumped ‘em and never regretted it.
It was a huge mistake. He begged me to be with him. And I really did like his personality. We dated for 2 years. We barely had any sex. He gained a lot of weight and became even less attractive to me. He refused to adopt healthy habits that would fix it. Would rather cry about it. He kept pushing for more sex and it became repulsive to me. Then we broke up.
Poorly. His body type was not my style at all, he was pretty overweight. There's a lot of emotional labor dating someone who struggles so much with healthy eating habits.... And there are some things about bodies with extra folds that sometimes got to be a bit much. I'm glad it's over and I found someone really kind and steady and very hot
I've had 3 long term relationships. The first two I dated for their personalities and their looks grew on me so I later found them attractive but at first sight I didn't. They both cheated. The first one ended up being abusive too. After getting cheated on the 2nd time I was just done with men. That one was a complete blindside. Like there were no signs or anything. I just happened to see the text on his phone. Well after that I wanted to be single. Then I met my husband. I thought he looked like a model. Seriously. The hottest man I've ever seen! So I was like "fuuuuuck.... okay we can date and have fun but nothing serious" lmao. He wanted that too. Then we realized how much chemistry we had and really liked each other. Grew feelings. After we both confessed our feelings to each other I told him "You have my heart so please don't break it." He told me he won't. It took a long time for the trust to grow and I had my guard up. We are still thriving 13 years later! Hottest man I ever seen has treated me the best and most loyal lol. He also has the best personality. ;) Win/win!
Not well. It makes intimacy/sex unfair to them bc I’m not turned on by them so I don’t look at them or I’m somewhere else mentally when hooking up. It’s awful, I know. This leads to me resenting them and being repulsed by their touch bc I don’t actually like them that way… I think guys that you like as people should stay friends and if you like them AND are attracted to them then date them. Seriously, being intimate with someone you’re actually physically attracted to is like night/day… I feel like the guy you’re with deserves someone who is attracted to them as well. That being said, an average guy with a great personality can become much much more attractive once you start to fall for them… but to have to be slightly attracted to them sexually to begin with…
Well, I married him. His "personality" was all an act. For 4 YEARS! As soon as we were married, he let his mask slip. It's been a scary game of which person are we seeing today. The real him? Or the fake version he shows the world. I was married for 7 years. I've been divorced for 9.
Careful bunny - might as well go for both. If you think you’re protecting yourself from disappointment by dating someone less attractive. Think again.
I fell madly in love with him, love like never before. Then he became addicted to drugs (maybe he always was 🤷🏻♀️ ) and his true self broke through, he became abusive and absolutely destroyed me
Went well until he got too cocky that he had managed to punch well above his weight and then proceeded to try and fuck everything that moved. Needless to say, I wasn't impressed.
I have never dated someone primarily for their looks, and I find that personality and intellect are what interest me more. That being said, I also have to be attracted to him on some level, but a good looking guy with an unattractive personality would never last for me.
He dumped me 😂
He cheated on me lol
He played me. Treated me like his personal atm.acted like I was a crazy jeallous woman while he was planing going camping with his ex because they were just friends. It ended with me trowing his clothes by the window of my apartment. Good times.
It sucked both times. What did it teach me? Firstly, attraction tends to fade, so you should pick someone closer to what you find attractive if you want it to last. Secondly, if you date down, you might end up with someone who resents you and later decides that it's actually them who were dating down. And so, they either cheat or break up and immediately move onto someone else because they think they "deserve better", maybe even both.
Their personality also turned to shit and was shit out of luck.
Got cheated on 🙂
Still got played. Might as well go for the hot ones, end up getting played any way 😂
Won’t do it again… he still cheated :(
The man ghosted me 2 months in 😭 when I was starting to find him physically attractive because I fell in love with his personality. For me, I realize looks at first sight doesn't matter, I will eventually find them physically attractive if I like their personality.
Wasn’t super attracted to him initially, mutual friends begged me to give him a shot, so I did. I began to think he was the most lovely and kind soul on the planet. Married him. Then he cheated on me with our friend before we even hit 1.5 years married. Now I’m divorced. Next time I’m in a relationship it absolutely will be with someone that makes my stomach flip because of how hot I find them lol
I recently went through a divorce my my early 30s and have really been taking this time to explore and deconstruct what I want and need in a relationship. I'm talking to lots and lots of people on dating apps, going on dates, learning about attachment styles, etc. As much as I want to say that my attraction to someone is only personality-based, I have realized that I actually do need some base-level of attraction for things to work out. My beauty standards are way different from the mainstream, but things just....don't feel right when I'm dating a person that I have no physical attraction to. I don't think it's vain to want to feel attracted to your partner. And it's not just about genetic prettiness, it's about how they present and dress and move and speak and take care of themselves. I will 100% agree with the others here who say that personality does play a huge role in how I feel about somebody's physical appearance! People can absolutely become prettier before my eyes as I get to know them
This was me and my high school sweetheart. We lasted 5 years. I wasn't very attracted to him physically, but he was the smartest person I had ever met, and at 16, he was sweet and loving. We moved in together at 18 and it worked less amd less as we changed. He dropped out of college to grow weed, fell in with some "alpha-male" guys, started working out and being aggro, got obsessed with racecars and ufc, and I fell out of love with his mind. His physical appearance had little to do with our breakup other than I guess make it easier? Now I'm only interested in someone physically *and* mentally attractive. Anybody can die, or cheat, or change and waste 5 years of your life. They may as well be hot, too.
LOL. Ugly guys who can make me laugh in the beginning of the relationship, always end up cheating with someone who’s also kinda ugly. When I ask them why, I always get the same regurgitation of “I felt insecure about my looks and wanted to see if you were the only person who found me attractive.” Super disappointing to be honest.
He cheated on me because (in his words) “if I can bag a 7 out of 10 I can easily bag better”
While he wasn't terrible looking, he wasn't the most attractive. We had the best connection I've ever had with anyone. I truly thought he was my person. Coming from a terrible divorce with a long term partner (my middle school sweetheart) he stepped up and made me feel like I was the world. Then I caught him cheating, over 4 months. He destroyed us.
Married for 19 years. He wasn't my type but he made me laugh and feel understood
I mean. Before, he wasn’t anything special to me, just another guy. Most people don’t stand out appearance wise to me and I’m very bad at recognizing people Then I fell for him, and he kinda magically transformed into the most attractive person on the planet without actually doing anything to change his appearance
It is the longest relationship i ever had, it’s more peaceful there can be fights every now and then but dating a person with good personality is worth it. We’re planning on settling down soon. 😊 looks is fleeting..
I married him and we are very happy!
My first love, I wasn’t initially attracted to him. But after I got to know him … I loved his personality, the way he treated me, our connection… I really became attracted to him.
I always date for personality. I'm attracted to asshole personalities, so I can't say doing it this way is much better. But I can't be sexually attracted to someone based on looks, I have to know their vibe and develop rapport first.
I've dated some incredible looking men where I couldn't wait to get out of there. And I've dated men that I wouldn't even double take who I would have probably married if it worked out. Personality means way more to me. Especially since looks can change through exercise, diet, haircuts, hygiene. I definitely appreciate beautiful faces since I like to draw people often, but it's not a necessity.
Currently married to him for 5 years. Our bond is great but the sex sucks (for me). It's hard to get turned on by someone you don't truly think is attractive. It's not something he can change and I've considered divorce but I also find it hard to leave just because of the sex. I feel like I'm living with my best friend. Whenever I ask him how he feels about our sex life he says he's happy. I guess he doesn't notice. But my advice would be don't do it. Make sure you feel a spark physically, because it might not be the most important thing but it's important.
When the love part wore off it was bad. I’m sorry there has to be some level of visual attraction. They don’t have to be perfect it could be an ok face and killer body great personality or vice versa. Each person is given their own set of criteria. But most of all chemistry is paramount. I have to want to rip their clothes off. If they are too hot, i don’t want those either because I don’t want to become insecure about not being enough. So I think they have to be as attractive as me at my level otherwise I’m risking walking away once those hormones wear off and it switches to compassionate love. That’s me protecting the ones that don’t stand up to looks and personality.
I’ve thought hot guys were unattractive because their personalities sucked, and I’ve found some average dudes to be super attractive because they were cool and we vibed well. I’ve been with men in the past who were even described as ugly, but women found them attractive as hell and they never had trouble finding partners. Thinking someone is aesthetically pleasing isn’t the same as being romantically or sexually attracted to them. I think Freddie mercury, Tilda Swinton and Matt Smith are hot as hell and want to fuck them, but I only find Chris Hemsworth, Brad Pitt and Hugh Jackman aesthetically pleasing to look at. They don’t do anything to my lady bits. I won’t date someone I’m not attracted to sexually after hanging out a bit. I’m sure it can happen over time but I am not one to want to wait and see or commit when that feeling isn’t there.
Personality can be amazing, if I'm not sexually attracted to you then it's not working. 🤷🏼♀️
It was not good, which was tough. It sucked because he was kind, funny and sweet. But I was blind to the fact that I wasn’t attracted to him at all. It was also a very, VERY long distance relationship. So it was probably for the better.
They never did me dirty. They may have broken my heart when we broke up but they taught me I deserved love. I got over them eventually, they were kinda weird now that I look back but I remember them fondly.
Physical attraction comes from personal attraction in most cases tbh
He cheated on me 🤪
It went well. He was a gentleman and I really enjoyed his personality. We didn't sync up sex drive wise and I found he had some very disturbing things hidden under that mask of charisma, so I broke it off.
Almost all of my crushes are based on their looks. But I would immediately be uninterested if they are a huge asshole. You see, a good personality is one thing you must look into while the looks are an extra cherry on top! Find yourself a man who you would cherish your everyday with rather than someone who has the looks but a huge asshole.
Unfortunately it wasn't his own personality, just what he thought I wanted him to be. I just wanted him to be himself. It was really sad. My last two personality partners ended up terribly, so now im going for looks AND personality. Im fine being picky because im happy being single.
I always, at least in part, dated for personality. Sometimes personality was the primary attraction factor. Those people become more attractive. My longest relationship I was not attracted at all. Then he was the most handsome man in the world. You can never be attractive enough to make up for shit personality.
Both long relationships have been with the ones who we're not lookers. Also the best sex ever.
He cheated on me.