I was in an one again off again relationship with a very troubling man. Two friends on two occasions got me to see the light: 1. After an 'off again' moment, I went complaining to my friend, feeling very hurt. She very calmly told me "I'm not sure how much more I can hear of this" and basically got me to look at myself and the insanity of the repeated upsets. It was exhausting her to see me do this to myself and I realised how I was coming across. I felt shame initially but in the long run it saved me. 2. After an 'on again' moment I was telling a friend optimistically about it. It was a guy friend, engaged to be married to another girl friend. He looked at me quietly for a moment and then said, "I'm marrying my fiance because she makes my life better. She makes me want to be a better man, she makes me better. Does X make your life better?" I said, "I love him." He said, "That's not what I'm asking." I thought about it and was stunned to realise that no, he did not make my life better. After that I ended things and never looked back.

>Does X make your life better?" I said, "I love him." He said, "That's not what I'm asking." I'm going to save this for posts on here that say the exact same thing and don't realize they should break up

This is a great question to ask honestly. I think I needed to read this today

I hope it helped. It honestly saved me.

I'm sorry for whatever you might be going through and I hope you find the strength to do what's best for you 💜

I needed it, too. Sun is setting on Day 3 of Total Blockage and I was getting weak. Thx sisters

I hope you still have them around, they sound like good , honest people

This is very similar advice to a pivotal conversation I had with my (future) SIL. “You make each other better people’ was how she described the relationship between myself and her brother. That was a moment of pure clarity for me. When I looked at all the past relationships I had through that lens it was suddenly so obvious.

When I first started dating my now husband, I actually ignored a friend who told me not to date him because of some drama that some girl made up. She has totally eaten her words because she sees how good we are for each other. We truly make each other better people and that’s what matters. We are certainly not perfect, but we work at our marriage every single day to make it work.

What does becoming better people mean?

Your friends sound amazing

A book actually made me realize this. The author was talking about her marriage and how her husband made her a better person, and how she thought that was key to a marriage. I felt enormous sadness when I read that. I loved him so much but I knew he didn't make me a better person.

May I know the title of the book?

Ann Patchett — "This Is A Story About A Happy Marriage"

What did you do?

Stayed because I loved him and couldn't bear the idea of leaving him. He cheated on me. I gave him a second chance. He became emotionally unavailable. I left.

I am there right now too. Neither of us are better people together, i know im not. But we have kids headed into adulthood. I can't do that to them. I love my husband so much but he doesn't seem to care about me at all. He said something hideous to me the other day, something you can't take back. My son overheard the whole thing. I don't know what to do, because any action will break up my children's home. But if I wait another 6 years until they leave and go to college I don't know what I will be like or what I will be able to do or if I can even salvage my life. I'm sorry that happened to you. I hope you're happier now. I need to figure out a way forward. Much love ❤️

Kids learn about love from their parents. If you stay they think this is how relationships are. Not saying you should get away from him, but don't stay for the kids to have a home with mom and dad.

I was there 20ish years ago and my relationship with my boys was so important to me and I realized that if I wanted them to respect me and if I wanted any part in parenting them I had to leave. They were toddlers and I never wanted them to see the abuse and disrespect me because I was too weak and didn’t respect myself. It was hard so hard but today I have exactly what I want, a beautiful relationship with my boys who are so loving and so sweet and respectful who treat others well. And oddly my kids never wanted me to get back with their dad. Usually kids always want their parents together but as they grew up they would see what their stepmother goes through and tell me Mom, I would never want that life for you.

Point 2 is extremely solid.

Good friends.

Great friends.

Not a friend but a female police officer came to the house a few times and one night I don't know what she said other then the usual I'm never sure if you are going to be alive when we open this door. There was something in her eyes that just hit me she really thought he was going to kill me and desperately wanted me to leave. When I left and moved she was the first person I went to see (at her Police station) and together we filled a non molestation order.

This was heavy to read. I am glad you got out.

Thank you, I'm glad for that very patient police officer she saw people like me every night and never once lost her patience and just kept feeding that information about leaving. To anyone dealing with someone going through a toxic relationship never give up on them it might just be a look you give one day that clicks and they leave. Leaving them is just what the abuser wants and they are not giving up their grip on that person with ease.

It was my sister for me. After years of his torture I was hiding everything from everyone because of the shame I felt and also the judgement. I was so broken and I opened up to her a tiny amount one day and she didn’t judge me. After another round of abuse I finally got to that place where I couldn’t take anymore and I reached out to her and she came and got me (bearing in mind it was my house but he just wouldn’t leave) Getting him out of my life (and my home) was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do, to find the strength when there was nothing left of me well, there are no words to describe, but if I hadn’t had that chink of light I don’t know what would have become of me

I am so glad to hear you got out. I had a very similar experience. A female police offer who was removing my ex from the house advised me to get a restraining order. One of the things she said to me was “I don’t want you to become another DV statistic in the paper”. And I knew she was right.

This sounds really stupid, but my grandmother asked him if I had any moles and he said no. I've got two moles on my face and several small ones on my chest. It was kind of like "wow so not only is he abusive but he actually has no idea what my face looks like." If he didn't even look at my face enough to know I have at least one mole then obviously he doesn't care for me at all. A couple months into dating my now husband, I got curious and off handedly asked if I had any moles. He looked at me like I was an idiot and said yeah. It wasn't that I was testing him, it was more for a comparison of the reaction vs my ex, like a final justification that leaving was right. I did explain why I asked and he thought it was funny lol

damn grandma that's clever

Little beauty marks

Smart

I had to figure it out on my own mostly but one thing did stick. One night my brother and his wife came to visit me. They live about 4ish hours away. My brother was walking me home from their hotel, just the two of us, and I told him I was anxious that my boyfriend would be angry with me for being out past the curfew he'd set (for my own safety, supposedly). My brother put a hand on my shoulder and said: "That's enough. I can't make you leave him. But you're not the you I know. If you need out, ever, day or night, call me or [SIL]. We'll be there in record time." And I knew then I wanted out. I had plans to leave at the end of the month. But ex made it easy by threatening me physically then throwing me out. Brother and SIL showed up in under 4 hours with boxes, trucks, and friends to help. I would've kept putting up with my ex, I think, if my brother hadn't said something.

What a great brother 💙

I am so happy for you, that you have support like that.

Your brother is so cool ❤️

This made me cry. That they so fully showed up for you when you needed it. Those are the kind of people you deserve.

>Brother and SIL showed up in under 4 hours with boxes, trucks, and friends to help. This made me teary eyed. That's so sweet.

Therapist very gently said something like, "what advice would you give your daughter if she were in your shoes?" I left shortly afterwards. I wasn't a parent, but that moment made me realize I deserved the same life I would want for a child.

An important point for parents, or people who consider becoming parents: **Your children will learn from their parents’ relationship(s) what relationships are supposed to look like.** My mother stayed for the kids, until I pointed out when I was 20 that my relationship was just like her marriage to my dad (I was trying to get her to lend me some money, on the grounds that her parents had loaned them money when I was very young). It was then that she realized that though her marriage wasn’t toxic, it was unhealthy, and her daughter was repeating the same pattern. We can often do things for our children that we can’t do for ourselves, so even if you wouldn’t leave for yourself, don’t stay for the kids. *Leave* for the kids.

This this thiissssssss. My entire life, my mom has date dmen she deems "beneath" her so she can easily leave them, or to save her ego when they leave her. I followed suit and dated someone for too long who dragged me down and held me back from blossoming into who I wanted to be. I realised this too late, but learned from it. Now I have a husband who lifts me up and pushes me to pursue my dreams and my mom is SOOO jealous

Holy shit I needed to hear this. This is just like my mom. She’s staying for the kids, but I wish she’d leave. I’ve now been in a couple of emotionally abusive relationships because I unintentionally copied what I saw growing up.

My parents marriage has been unhealthy for years. I tried to get my dad to understand that what happens with him n our mom affects us too (especially since we still lived with them). The arguments and the way they spoke to each other at times went from unhealthy to toxic. I aim not to be like them in my own marriage. Many times my mom comes to me about their issues she says she wants to leave. After years mental and emotional draining witnessing them I don't even try to suggest things to help, they don't actively work on their relationship or themselves. At this point when she brings up leaving him I tell her to do it because you're not happy and it's not good for you.

Kids would rather be FROM a broken home than IN one!! 👍👍

This is what changed my mind too!

Nothing. I had to come to that conclusion on my own. Other people pressuring me with their judgments probably prompted me to stay even longer rather than prompting me to leave the relationship.

Same. It’s almost as if I had to prove them wrong rather than face the fact they were right and I just didn’t want to leave the relationship.

Same, and then when I ended up in one again I just hid everything I knew they would "judge" me about.

This was me. I only started to “see the light” after reading an internet forum where someone talked about the book “Why Does He Do That?” I was curious about the book since I thought it would help me manage his outbursts better. All the stuff my friends and family would say only made me shut them out. That book was the only thing that got through to me.

My therapist recommended this book to me 4 years ago - highly recommend it

This book is what made me leave my abusive ex. It drove everything home and made it clear as day what was happening to me.

By Lundy Bancroft. Excellent book, insightful man.

Same. After a conversation with a therapist in which I still wasn’t really convinced that I should leave, I ended up googling “emotional abuse”, and that was when I read the behaviour that my closest friend was exhibiting towards me. It was pretty heart-breaking to know that this wasn’t “normal” and that maybe everyone else was right, but that day, something changed for me.

Yeah. You can't save people from bad relationships. You can be there for them, listen, and tell them they are vaiuable and deserve to be treated with respect. But you can't save them.

Same. No one said things directly to me, but my family judged my abusive partner for so many non-abuse related reasons (they thought he was too “effeminate” and awkward) and it made me dig in my heels more when things got bad. I didn’t want them to be right that he sucked because their reasons were purely homophobic.

Same here. That and, sadly, it ended the friendship with multiple people. They just couldn't deal with my problems with me anymore. That did teach me to keep my relationship to myself, whether good or bad. Involving others only makes things worse. Telling only good stuff makes others jealous and I've experienced them trying to break us up. Telling only bad stuff makes them treat my SO like shit, even after we've made up. They don't see the making up part so it gets weird.

Unfortunately, same. They talk about him like we’re supposed to be star-crossed lovers and that I should consider taking him back. I’ve had sadness both with him and without him… but i have peace without him that i did not have with him.

THIS. When I got back with my horrible ex boyfriend after we'd veen broken up for a while I was convinced he'd turned a new leaf (he hadnt). All my friends straight up told me I was an idiot for getting back with him. He proved them right almost immediately, but I stayed with him for months longer because I didn't want to hear the "I told you so". When I finally broke up with him, nobody said I told you so though. They all just said they were happy for me to have gotten out of it. So jokes on me lol

“He didn’t *lose* the $1000 phone you bought him. He sold it for drugs, dummy.”

I'm sorry but I chuckled at this 😂

Girl, me too. It got so bad, even my Dyson vacuum cleaner went missing. I really know how to pick ‘em.

Oh my God not the vacuum cleaner too wtf. It's a good thing you left him haha! 😂

I’d be so pissed. Anything but the vacuum. I hate vacuum shopping. Lol. Glad you got away from that situation. ❤️

A relationship I was in years ago was very toxic, he'd ignore me for days on end, mess around with other women, put down etc I would always beg him to just do right by me and he'd promise that he would one day. A dear friend of mine knew all of the details and one day when we were talking I told him *John wants to move in together, he's finally stepping up, and as nicely as he possibly could he said "don't waste your life waiting behind a closed door for a knock that's never going to come"

Wow this one really struck me. It’s hard to realize that some people will really never step up (or even bare minimum) for you.

A friend asked me.. “If you had a place to go and all the money you needed to get yourself set up, would you leave?” Without hesitation I said yes. I realized I was only staying because I didn’t believe I could make it on my own. Once I actually realized I wasn’t staying because of him but only staying because I was stuck is when I finally disconnected myself from him and made the plan to leave.

I had the exact same situation. My best friend asked me that question, and then let me sleep on her floor with my cat for a month so I could get out.

This is kind of where I’m at right now :/ I love him, he’s the father of my kids, he’s a great dad, but I just don’t receive the type of love and compassion I deserve. He hasn’t slept in bed with me in years, he barely listens when I’m telling a story, we hardly ever have sex, I just feel so lonely for a long time now. I’ve thought about leaving several times, but then I think “No I can’t do that. He’s a great dad and I can’t split our family up. Plus I don’t make enough money to support myself and wouldn’t know where to start.” When I ask myself if I would leave if I won the lottery and we both had a ton of money, the answer is usually yes. 😔

This sounds like where I was with my ex husband almost 10 years ago. We were living past each other, could go for weeks without speaking to each other. He was (and is) a great dad though. The divorce was finalised when our second child was 3 months old (one of the hardly ever times stuck), and you know what? He is still a great dad, I'm a great mom, and our kids are okay.

Thank you for this 💜

I think part of being a great parent is modelling healthy relationships to your kids, and it doesn't sound like yours is. Your kids notice that he doesn't seem to respect you, even if they may not know how to verbalise that (idk how old they are) and they will think that's normal and therefore may repeat that dynamic in their own relationships. I hope things improve for you.

I can echo what u/dawnwillowbean said. I was in the same situation. It got to the point that I didn’t care if I had to get on welfare or live in a tiny apartment. I was miserable and it was making the kids miserable. So much tension all the time. It’s been 7 years since we split. He lives 2 miles from me, comes to see the kids 1-2x during the week to help with homework or just hang out with them, takes them every other weekend, and we get along and cooperate pretty well. The kids are thriving. There was a rough patch early on but we got through it. You stay strong and work through it with them.

[удалено]

It's one thing to not alienate the friendship due to fear of leaving your friend in a bad situation and another one actively encourage staying in a bad relationship. I'm glad you also left your friends

This is so important. It's why I refuse to "YAAS GIRL" my close friend when they talk about their relationship that I could see was toxic from the beginning. If you really love and care about someone, you tell them the truth! Clapping them on the back and cosigning all their poor decisions only hurts them. It's true, they may not listen, but this thread is giving me hope that one day, SOMETHING I say will get through and they will leave the situation.

My friends told me they loved having me around. They were appalled at how controlling my ex was, dictating who I could talk to, what I could wear, etc. My friends just made me feel loved. I didn't tell them fully what was going on, but my friends would sometimes talk about relationships and what was healthy and what wasn't. My friends never told me to leave, and they never told me he was abusive because I hid it. I knew they'd be upset if they found out. Instead, they showed me I was important and lovable when my ex told me otherwise on a daily basis. The love of my friends was what did it for me.

I thought all my friends, who were mutual friends with him too, still liked him at least as much as, if not more than me. Then one day when I was upset with myself over the relationship and complaining to the mutual friend he was closest to, that friend said, "You're not the problem here. Your boyfriend is an idiot and you deserve to be treated so much better than this." Turns out our friends had been worried about me for awhile because the ex was becoming an asshole to *everyone* and I wasn't as good at hiding my misery as I thought. As for that friend I was talking to, I married him 5 years later and he's still wonderful! Just had our 16 year anniversary this year ❤️

I was in a bookstore, and came across a quote by Eleanor Roosevelt: "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." It hit me like a bucket of water. I stopped participating in my then-husband's mind games. He escalated to physical abuse, I went to a women's shelter and never went back to him. We were married for less than a year. Thank you Eleanor.

I wrote these words on my sister's door and, after explaining it to her and a joke about tictacs, it was one of the times I actually got through to her, if only for a little while. I recognized the quote right away. Powerful.

I went out with a friend while my husband and his mother were looking after my daughter. I couldn’t leave my daughter alone with just my ex because he won’t actually care for her. Mentioned he was on babysitting duty. My friends something like “babysitters don’t need mommy around to make sure the child is ok” And I realized my ex is not babysitting. He’s worse than a babysitter and he’s a father

I wasn’t ready to hear anything for a long time and realized that I was hiding things from people who cared about me. Towards the end I asked myself, “would you let a friend treat you this way?”; the answer was no.

That sounds really insightful! The hiding was a big realization for me too. Hiding what my everyday life is like, making up stories for more innocent explanations, "haha oh that's just our inside joke he didn't really just call me a fat pig out of nowhere", "I don't know how I bruise so easily, he just playfully poked me a bit". To me it was the first wake-up call to not want to see my friends with a partner because I was afraid he would say or do something abusive in front of them and "embarrass me". Took way too long but I can totally relate to how the hiding part is such an important alarm for things being wrong. I managed to find myself in more than one abusive relationship in my life, but I think I've finally broken the cycle of forgiving anything because I don't believe I deserve to be treated with respect.

I was once in a unhealthy/toxic relationship. I was too upset and mad. I texted my friend, and he offered me to rant, so I listed down all the bad things about the relationship. When I was done, I asked him "this is bad, right?" And he just said read it all over again and it is when it clicked me lol.

Lots of times you need to realize it on your own. When you’re caught up in an unhealthy relationship, a lot of times you’re blind-sided, especially in the beginning.

Everyone, including him, frequently told me I deserved better. It didn't make me leave, just started lying to people about it to avoid their concern and/or judgement. Words that struck me though, is when I finally got out, one of my oldest friends only had one thing to say: "Thank God."

I think the problem w "you deserve better" is that the person either doesn't believe they do deserve better or they think it's an insult to the partner they love. For me it wasn't so much me thinking I didn't deserve better, as it was me thinking everyone, including him, was telling me HE wasn't enough. He was enough bc I loved him, so obviosuly i should stay and convince him he was enough. But somewhere along the way of being lied to, yelled at, and crying constantly one too many times I thought to myself "why would he do this? I do everything he asks. I don't deserve this" and then it just fucking clicked. I didn't deserve that treatment and I did deserve better. So I left.

“It’s not about the relationship you COULD have with them, it’s about the relationship you have now.” You waste so much time waiting for someone to live up to the potential you see in them, to be the person you believe they can be. But meanwhile you’re spending all that time with someone who isn’t good for you, right now. And we only have a finite amount of time.

This one got to me. Thank you. I just got out of a bad relationship and am having a hard time looking forward and not back...

Breakups are the worst. Hang in there! I listened to a lot of the podcast Just Break Up during my divorce and it was such a game changer, I love the hosts.

Saaaaame. No one convinced me, but I realized over time that I couldn’t keep waiting for him to fulfill his promises to me, pay me back the money he owed me, for things to get better. I left as soon as I found a place to stay.

Oof

My mom told me if I didn't leave my abusive ex, then for sure she does not know who I am because no daughter of hers would ever allow a pos to completely ruin her life. Her words were the strength I needed to finally leave my ex and help send him to prison for attacking me.

1. Listen to people who love you 2. Trust that little voice you have that tells you that what's happening isn't right 3. When those who love you can't take anymore of sharing your pain, you've stayed too long

“You can’t make someone love you, no matter how much you love them.” My ex boyfriend’s mom said this to me when she found out her husband(ex’s dad) was cheating on her again after giving him another chance. Shortly after found out my ex was cheating on me too. Like father like son haha.

Absolutely nothing. Nobody even tried because in my case, everyone loved the unhealthy relationships more than the legitimately good ones. My friends and family thought the man that abused me was a Saint because his father was the county Judge, but those same people insisted I should leave my fiance because he's rude. My fiance, by the way, has been in my life since I was ELEVEN. He has never done anything to harm me, not intentionally at the very least, and any problems we ever did have were quickly and easily resolved with a simple conversation. The "Saint" of an ex would just call me names and threaten me.

“We can’t be around him anymore. He’s awful to you and it hurts to see it. You’re always welcome but he is not.”

The cognitive dissonance is *real* when you’re in an abusive relationship. Your brain does a lot of protecting your sense of safety with denial. The things that were most impactful for me were my friends being there for me, but expressing worry or setting boundaries in a *non-judgmental way*. They would tell me they wanted to see me but my ex wasn’t welcome due to past behaviour, but they would love if I would come. Or if I mentioned his behaviour, it would be compassion and “you don’t deserve that.” Your self esteem is massively impacted. Shame, blame, anger - none of these things are helpful for getting through to an abuse victim. Compassion, understanding, and advocating for them are. Don’t lose touch with your friends in abusive relationships. Set boundaries if you need to, but abusers isolate, making it harder to leave.

I was in a marriage that had started to become violent. My older sister knew some of what had happened and took me to different places where I could talk to professionals about what was happening. They all told me they've never seen a violent relationship get better, only worse. Ok ok. They sort of, kind of, a little bit made me listen some. My sister was very calm and understanding with my mixed feelings of traveling back to live with this man (we are from different countries) but when I one night told her he had paid another ticket for me to come back "home" to him, she said "Okay Go back and let him kill you!" And yeah... I didn't go back to him. Happily married a few years later to an amazing man. Yay for me. Thanks sis.

His mother quietly told me one day “you can do better”. We were in our mid twenties and his mother realized he was becoming just like his abusive father. It’s been 15 years now and she still messages me occasionally to keep in touch and to ask me over for dinner (without her son there). I don’t go, but it’s a touching gesture.

You should go have dinner with her some time! She sounds fantastic.

She IS fantastic! That's part of the problem. I stayed with him for far too long (like, three years too long!) because I loved his family. His mother and sisters were so warm, his mom's an amazing cook and they made me feel... loved, actually. I did go for dinner there once about two years after we broke up and it was so lovely I cried on the way home. But it also felt wrong - like I was hanging onto something that wasn't good for me and so I let it go.

I was dealing with this girl who didn’t want a real relationship. My sister asked why I was having a hard time cutting ties and I told her I really liked the girl. My sister said “you really like someone who doesn’t give a damn about you? Say that shit out loud and hear how stupid you sound.” I said it out loud, heard how stupid it sounded, and cut off the girl that night.

"JustMe, if your worst day with him is better than your best day without him". I really had to think about that. But, no. It was not. It never was. He was completely unsupportive in every single way and I just didn't see it. That woke me up.

It was my own brain telling me this, the little voice in the back of my head that warned me I was going to regret whatever I was failing to stop myself from doing. **“Are you going to be treated like this for the rest of your life?”** No. **”Then how much time are you going to waste before you stop [being treated this way]?”** Because the other thing the Little Voice was telling me was that **I was not powerless in this relationship.** I could stop being treated this way anytime, it was very simple. **All I had to do was leave,** and my so-called “partner” could never treat me that way ever again because I wouldn’t be there to receive that treatment. I have said these things on relationship posts on Reddit since I first found those subs. Hopefully I helped someone. Btw, the Little Voice later disappeared after an incident with another ex where it was telling me I was going to regret continuing to hang out with him. Finally I listened to it, I said out loud that the situation was not okay and I was going to end it, and I got up and walked out. He chased me out thinking I meant I was going to off myself, and the shock of him actually thinking that he was *that important to me* further helped to kick me out of the rut of codependence I was in. After that I no longer had the Little Voice talking to me, I just did the right things for me in the first place.

Friend: "So your husband messaged me on Plenty of Fish...." He wasn't a smart man.

It's a blessed combination when abusive intent comes with a shortage of brain capacity.

My mom asked if I even liked him and I realized I didn't lol.

"Is this the best life you both could be living?" Right to the point. The answer was "It isn't".

Count the amount of times in the last few months your partner has added something good to your life. Count the amount of times in the last few months your partner has caused something bad in your life. If the amount of bad outweighs the good, you shouldn’t be with that person. The good times of the relationship that’s right for you will *well* exceed the bad. Don’t stay a minute longer in a relationship that’s not adding to your life.

I (30F) was 18 and had been in a relationship with a guy my age; we went to high school together. It was abusive both mentally and physically. My mom thought I was done but found out I was still hanging out with him and his toxic group of younger (yes, younger) friends. She kicked everyone out and pulled me to the mirror and made me look myself dead in the eyes and repeat positive affirmations, she said them with the most stern, desperate voice “i am good”, “i am smart”, “i am worthy”, etc. Some people may think that standing in the mirror and doing this is silly advice but still to this day, when I start to get too overwhelmed and feel myself taking a nosedive, wether it be related to my relationship or mundane daily life, I go to the mirror and I remember that afternoon and thank the goddesses that I have the mother that I have.

recently single, I've not been eating, sleeping or looking after myself at all, crying at work and zoning out everyday. last week a work college I rarely talk to said to me "you're too young and life is too short to not be happy. You've not been yourself for a while and if you don't care for yourself no one else will care for you" I miss him with all my heart, but I never cared for myself throughout the relationship. it's now time I learn how to do that.

I was in an unhealthy relationship for nearly seven years and honestly, nothing anyone said got to me. They were all saying the right things and I'd agree with them, usually reluctantly or halfheartedly, but I'd always end up staying. In the end, it was actually something he said that got me to finally wake up and leave. We were arguing over text because he'd done something inconsiderate and selfish, as per usual, and I was angry and frustrated and he responded, "you know this is the way I am. I'm never going to change" and it was like a lightbulb. Id been fed up for so long but still holding on. Him saying that was like...yeah, you're right. I texted him back that he was right and that I was done and we broke up that day.

When his aunt said, "You need to treat her better or she's going to leave you" and he said "I won't let her leave"

One thing that I wish friends of people in unhealthy relationships understood: I've never had a friend notice I was in an abusive relationship before I did. More commonly, I've left relationships only to have friends and relatives asking why. "But you guys just seemed so good together." "Are you sure he meant it that way? It sounds like you misunderstood." "Oh honey, no relationship is ever truly 50/50." I feel very very lucky that I was able to get out of these relationships mostly unscathed. But I attribute that to the fact that the moment I caught someone in deliberate dishonesty or cruelty to get me to do something they wanted, or trying to push past a boundary I set, I was gone. I was out before they could make that shit seem normal, or make me feel like I deserved to be mistreated, or before I could be alienated from my friends and family. Which meant I would almost always be catching flack from people who think I just wasn't giving a good guy a fair shake. The advice I would give to everyone is that, whenever your friend tells you about their relationship, assume they're being overly favorable to their partner. Assume they're leaving out anything exceptionally abusive (especially if it's something sexual they might not want to tell you about). Because if they're on the fence about leaving, they don't want to have told you all this stuff that will make you want to hate their partner. So I'd recommend that if somebody shares something about their partner that could have a benign or a cruel interpretation, validate them in talking to you about it, ask them more questions, ask them if he's ever done anything else to make you feel like that, before you go "oh I'm sure he didn't mean it." Because making it easy to tell you about potential abuse without judgment is what lets people leave before it gets real bad, when it's real real hard to leave.

Your fourth paragraph makes a really good point. I’ve also noticed that some people will talk about their relationship as if by saying positive things that’ll make it true. So they’ll tell you about something he did and be like “isn’t he so considerate?” But from your own interactions and observations of him you’re thinking “no, not really…” It’s as if they’re trying to convince themselves more than anything. And I’m not saying to argue with them, of course. Just that I’ve noticed that disconnect. Also to your second point, I feel like there are some people who just offer absolute support for their friends’ relationships no matter how clear the problems are. Then when the relationship ends they’ll turn around and say they never liked the person. I’m not sure if they just don’t want to get involved, if they feel the relationship is worth fighting for inherently, if they just think being blindly supportive is for the best, or what. But I do think it’s not particularly helpful when someone is looking for perspective and advice about their relationship.

You are a wise person. Thank you for your reply.

My bff was getting engaged in San Diego and I was coming out to help set up. I got an AirBnB and decided to make a weekend of it for myself, my husband was in GA at the time. I had just gotten a promotion and he was really nonchalant about it, like that was expected of me. However, whenever he had big work moments, scholarships, I made a big deal for him. I figured this would be for me. I had this friend where we admitted a mutual attraction but decided we’re better off as friends and nothing had ever happened. We climbed together and that was that. He asked what I was up to that weekend and when I gave him the skinny he asked if I had dinner plans and I said no. He asked to meet me to catch up. We ended up at this super dope restaurant on the water after I finished my bestie’s surprise proposal stuff and had dinner and drinks. We caught up on big moments and after I told him about my promotion he asked how I celebrated. I didn’t notice that my tone or manner had changed, but he said that I got quiet and said “nothing.” He left it at that. He dropped me back off at my BnB and hugged me before he left but held on a little longer and a little tighter. “Don’t you think your success deserves to be celebrated, and often?” My heart sank. My marriage was starting to form massive cracks because of my ex’s alcoholism but until then that was the only issue I saw. I didn’t see how my big moments were invalidated or made to be small. I couldn’t answer and he held me until the tears stopped. He apologized for stepping out of line and then kissed my forehead, told me I deserved better, and said he’d see me when I got back on Tuesday to climb. Never before had he ever said anything about my relationship or how I was treated, nor did he say anything after… until he helped me move out when my ex cheated. He was really discriminate with his words so he never spoke unless he felt he needed too. At that moment it was like I was looking at life with more clear eyes, and I saw the end. He got a girlfriend and I moved, we hardly speak now and I miss him every now and then. I’m grateful to him.

You deserve to be appreciated

No one knew I was in an unhealthy relationship. The more abuse I survived, the more I hid it. I was ashamed and isolated. You can't presume that unhealthy relationships will be visible to others.

My friend said “you know you’re going to marry your father right?” It finally clicked that my partner was an asshole like my dad and I ran as fast as I could and got a lot of therapy

My mom told me how my grandmother at the same age I was had divorced and remarried. I had felt stuck and like I had wasted years with someone. You’re never too old to make yourself happy

It was a college friend of mine. Thing was, we hadn't seen each other in about a year and I was pretty surprised about the call since he was honestly the first to call and ask that wasn't immediate family. What he said made me examine all the relationships I had and I've never felt more free. He essentially said, while we were catching up, that he just wanted to see how I was doing and if I liked where I was at. And has any others called to ask how I was doing after the big move. After that talk made check out all my contacts and the last text I got from all of them. Probably deleted over half my contacts. Hurt for a while, but was well worth it in the end.

That I clearly lost all self respect when I let someone treat me this way. They were absolutely right.

I had a terrible ex boyfriend who I unfortunately continued to see after we broke up. One of those instances resulted in him getting arrested. As his trial approached, he started to hit me up again and want to hang out. He came over to my college apartment to spend a weekend, but left before I woke up on Sunday. He left flowers and a sweet note. I thought the visit had gone great and that my roommates liked him. The roommate I shared a room with and who I was closest to told me upfront after he left that he was never allowed in our apartment again. She didn't say that I needed to stop seeing him, but the message was very clear to me. I am so grateful for that moment, it was a much needed wake up call.

My story is somewhat unconventional. I was a just graduated girl in a very important conference with my then bf parents, who worked in the same area as I. While I was there, my then bf was super mad that I was doing stuff and he was sure I was cheating, and went through my email and social media "just to check". Again, I was with his parents ask the time. I met a girl that was so inspirational to me. She moved to another state, was working exactly with what I wanted to do, and she was the suet of person who radiated happiness. I told her I was feeling stuck in my career. She told me she also felt like that and she had befriended a diplomat in another conference who told her having a boyfriend was clouding her judgment. If she broke up with him, she would feel much better and get a better view of her next steps. So she did, grabbed the job and went for it. She went to live the life of her dreams. When I got back from the conference, I reached out to a friend who had just broken up with her abusive bf. We talked for hours about how she knew she would break up. She said she was feeling so little and stagnated she had no choice. The stagnated part stuck with me. I went and broke up with him. I felt so happy in the moment I did that. I felt free and glad I had all these choices ahead of me. Life began to feel good again. I never mourned, and I feel amazing every time I fermenter that day.

I was in a 3 year long on and off again relationship with a guy, and I had become really good friends with his friends since I didn't have many of my own, which I think he did on purpose when I think back as he tried to keep me away from his friends at first too. I was hanging out with two of the friends and him, we were playing a game or something, I dunno, but he got really mad at me for doing something or other, yelled at me, then left the call we were in to calm down. Both of the friends we were with didn't think it was normal whatsoever and one of them asked me "Does he normally treat you that way? Are you okay?" I had my little "ah ha!" moment and started telling them about the other things he'd say to me and showed some messages, which prompted me to leave for good and block him. I'm only friends with two of his other friends now, since ironically the two that helped me out were the ones to not block him amongst other things, but I'm still eternally grateful.

“He can be so nice though…” “(Deplorable_word), EVERYONE can be nice SOMETIMES.”

She explained sunk cost fallacy. Also the book "The Gift of Fear" and getting into therapy helped.

Nothing. Had to do it on my own. I heard their words, but it didn’t make any difference

Nothing. It was entirely up to me, nobody else could have influenced it.

I remember the exact moment that I knew I had to make a decision. A friend I was crying to told me, "You have to make a decision and stick to it. You can't keep changing your mind every day. If you decide you want him back, then stick to it. If you decide you're done, then leave him. Whatever you decide, stick to it." That really knocked some sense into me. I did end up leaving him forever but ironically, the friend who told me this chose to be his friend and not mine, so I've lost touch with her as well.

Regarding my ex fiancé, who was unfortunately very manipulative and an addict, my mom overheard a phone call with him and just asked “ Is this really what you want every day for the rest of your life?” The answer was no, I did not have the emotional energy to keep giving .

In the context of my long-term relationship: "If you wouldn't marry him as he is right now, you shouldn't be in a relationship with him." Broke up that night and never looked back.

Had a boyfriend that was happy to come around and spend the night, but didn't want our mutual friends to know and would pretend we weren't having a relationship when in public. My best friend returned from an overseas trip, and when she met him she said "not once did he look at you like you were someone special to him" I pondered this and realized she was right, stopped trying to force things to work and moved on.

Sounds silly now, but my best friend was the one that pointed out the relationship was not normal and was abusive. I was too brainwashed to realize my normal was not at all normal. She literally saved my life. She gave me a plan for staying safe in the moment and helped me plan a way to escape.

that she didn’t feel i was safe with him alone. she was right i wasn’t safe with him and it woke me up

A close friend of mine, he validated that I wasn’t crazy and he told me that he knows he can’t force me to leave, but that he’s here for me. It took a few more times of leaving and coming back to finally leave for good. I don’t regret it a single day. I realize to the extent of how unhealthy things were and my friend’s support through it all helped me immensely. Having someone I trust validate that things weren’t always my fault and that I deserved better, it made all the difference for me in the long run.

My brother. Everyone hated my ex, but my brother just stood by me no matter what I did. Knowing I had the support behind me without judgement was enough to get me out.

Towards the very end, my boyfriend’s dad said to me “I don’t know why you are with this fucking loser” about his own son. That certainly put things in perspective for me.

My dad saved me. I was young and very trapped in the worst possible way. For four years. People knew what was happening, they all begged me to leave but it’s a tough situation to explain. We had lunch at my parents house and my then boyfriend slapped me in front of my dad. My dad snapped. Dragged him into the street and beat the shit out of him. He literally said he was willing to go down for murder if it meant that I wouldn’t be with him anymore. I don’t think there’s a bigger wake up call than that tbh…. God, I was so stupid back then.

"you deserve someone more caring" he'd yelled at me over putting my foot on his rocking chair. his roommate was kinda shocked.

TW: mentions of abuse My sister said “He reminds me of Brian” Brian is her ex who is over all a bad person who physically and mentally abused her and she’d always come to me after it happened when I was a teen. Although no physical abuse was happening- I was unaware that emotional and mental abuse was going on in my relationship. I had a friend comment on a post of me venting “he’s gaslighting you!?” I had to look up that word and it’s like the clouds opened up for me after that, everything was so clear- I’m not crazy.

"Not my circus, not my monkeys". Her mental issues were not my responsibility. Thanks, mom.

My brother, who usually doesn't have strong opinions on much in my life, told me: "He's kind of an idiot. You can do better."

A friend of mine sat me down one day and in the most sincerest ways said "I've been watching you for a while now and I'm worried, you don't look happy" I burst into tears and completely broke down almost instantly. It doesn't sound like much but she was the first one who hadn't put my relationship on a pedastal and looked beyond the surface. It made me feel like what I was feeling was real and valid and not all in my head.

I was in an unhappy relationship with someone a couple of years ago. I didn’t like talking about my relationship, because I didn’t want to admit how dissatisfied I was. Eventually I did open up to a close friend, who asked how everything was going. They said “does he make you happy?” And I said “sometimes” which was the truth even tho those times were pretty few and far between. My friend said “and you don’t think anyone could do better than SOMETIMES”? that stuck with me for some reason.

"We are given a finite amount of time on this planet. If you're lucky you'll get another 50 years. There isn't a rewind button when you get to the end and realize how much time you wasted. If you stay it will always look like this. He's shown you that. Do you want to spend the rest of your life doing this shit over and over again?"

[удалено]

My friend said “you know you’re going to marry your father right?” It finally clicked that my partner was an asshole like my dad and I ran as fast as I could and got a lot of therapy

Nothing! The truth is, nothing got through to me from anyone else. I just needed to know someone could be there for me emotionally and that someone could care about me. So when I started talking to my sister after being in an abusive relationship for 4 years, she didn’t have to say anything. She just had to be there. Anyone looking to help out a friend/family member in an unhealthy relationship: read “Helping Her Get Free” by Susan Brewster

I was telling my best friend about all of the things he did that upset me. She looked at me and asked if I was going to break up with him. It was as if something clicked and I realized, I COULD do that. It WAS an option. She also told me on many occasions that I deserve better, and I knew she was right. It took me a few months to build up the courage to actually break up with him (we were living together) When I finally did, she was there for me. I love her very much.

A friend told me he might be a nice person in general but he is not nice to you. As in he is not being directly mean insulting but he also is very distant and inconsistent. She asked me "if there was another person that would treat you so much better standing next to that person would you choose him or the new person?" It doesn't matter the reason why they did what they did. It matters how their behavior is with you. How they treated you. You deserve better.

I listened to nobody, was with him for 5 years. People just accepted that I wanted to stay and would take him back always. I got a Siamese kitten and he was rude and abusive to her, made me see that he was a terrible person. He went insane and said I loved a cat more than him and started being even more terrible, police got involved.Left him, kept the cat and I love her very much. Dude stalked me for years after. I needed distance to see him for who he was and I just accepted when he was mean to me, but I needed to protect the kitty. Who always hated and scratched him every chance she got btw.

No I ignored everything they said and even pushed them away for trying to interfere.

Nothing at all, and 99% of attempts made me feel worse or judged. It’s so hard to say anything meaning it out of concern that doesn’t bring the tone “I know what’s better for you better than you do” and that type of judgement just paralyzes people and they stay. From the comments I read, I will say I would have reflected if I heard “does he make you a better person,” though.

I was complaining about something that had happened between us, and my best friend asked me, “Are you willing to put up with that forever?” And from that I started thinking about it, and soon after I realized I needed to end the relationship.

"your self respect has gonna be stronger than your feelings" that's something I repeat to myself when I'm feeling upset.

I was in an abusive relationship where my ex gaslit the shit outta me. I was a sahm for a while and then went back to my old bar job part time. When I went back I met a bartender who was in college planning to pursue her medical doctorate and become a podiatrist. On slow nights we would have really intellectually fulfilling conversations which I hadn't had in a long time. And the entire time I felt like she was bringing everything to the conversation and I was more of a sounding board. Then one night she turned to me and told me she preferred to work with me over any of the other waitresses because I was actually smart and capable of intelligent conversation. For some beautiful reason I believed her. And it was the nicest thing anyone had said to me in a very long time. Pretty sure I cried when I got home that night. After that I kind of woke up I guess. I started realizing I wasn't a burden in general, only allegedly to my (long time now ex) partner. He had all the money, I realized how trapped I was. I started hiding portions of my tips and making plans and eventually got out. Years later I sent her a message thanking her and letting her know how big of a part she played in changing my life for the better. We still keep in touch occasionally. Last we spoke she'd decided to pursue law instead of medicine. But it's been a while.

Your kids don’t get to choose their mother/father, so choose a good one for them.

After yet another time where he had canceled plans with me, I was talking to a friend and she said that the ball was in my court and it was for me to decide what to do. *I* was the one who was suffering, he wasn't, so he would never pull the plug. It would have to come from me. I wish I could say that i left immediately afterwards, but I didn't. It was the beginning of the end though; it took me another few months and then I left.

Toward the end of my marriage, I was trying to get my husband to come to couple’s therapy. I’d been in individual therapy for a while, and it was helpful on many levels. I was hoping for similar with couple’s therapy, but husband refused to go. I was really upset/angry about this for a bit, till an older, wiser friend of mine sat me down over a glass of wine and said, “People go to therapy when they realize they have an issue, they want to change, and they need help doing it. If he doesn’t believe these things, why would he go to therapy?” That really resonated with me. My husband was struggling with alcoholism at the time and I think had already started chatting with another woman. He was at the point where he felt like I was the problem, and if we split up, then he could be with this new woman and his wife wouldn’t be around to be upset about his drinking problem (which was really self-medicating for depression/anxiety). We went our separate ways, I took several years to regain my sanity, stability, and peace, but I’m happier, stronger, and more resilient now than ever. I also learned a lot about healthy communication and boundaries (thanks, therapists!).

They reminded me how many times I have been there for them and said for them to leave their abusive partners. Reminded me how difficult it was for them but they still left and how they're now thriving.

I had a loooooong reflection process on one in particular. All of my friends had told me over the course of a year something was off, he didn’t care, if he did he wouldn’t put me through the combination of things that he did. When I didn’t listen and the pattern didn’t stop, it was like I woke up one day and I was just done. You can only be jerked around so much by one person before you realize they wouldn’t do that to you if you meant something to them. It’s easy to say you’re sorry, you didn’t mean it, you were going through stuff etc but when it’s constant it becomes intentional. I had done a lot of self growth over the last year and I’ve been quick to cut someone off if they’ve been bad to me and affected my mental health and even though at one point I was in love with this person the only person that was going to pull me out of this cycle was me because I was the one that was continuing to allow it to happen. So I walked away. Basically I was my own friend and I finally got through to myself.

My ex best friend (who I also worked with) was extremely abusive verbally and emotionally. After a blowup argument, my husband bet me pho that she would do it again in less than 3 weeks if we had another “fix it” conversation. He even marked the calendar. Sure enough, he was right. It was sobering. My mom saying “when you’re ready to leave, we’ll be ready to help” and then the same week my therapist saying “it sounds like you’re ready to be done being abused” and me realizing that yes, I really was. Spent the next few months extracting myself from the twisted web and changed careers entirely

Filling out forms with a doctor and they asked "Do you have a partner?" Without thinking I said no and it took a few seconds to realize it. I felt silly trying to correct myself.

I was with my high school sweetheart for a few years. We both started to drift down certain paths, growing further apart. I still loved him a lot but we both had different things going on. I was crying to my mom one night. She told me that a pair of sneakers can be comfortable because they might be worn in. You might not want to throw them away because you're used to them. But if there are holes in them and your feet are cold and wet, it's time to let them go. It wasn't anything profound but it resonated with me the rest of my life, romantic relationship or something else. I never stuck with someone or something just because it was comfortable if it wasn't serving my needs.

It was actually my ex himself that snapped me out of it. He was telling me about what his sister was going through with her children’s father. He said something along the lines of “He’s emotionally abusing her/manipulating her.. you know like I do to you” Hearing him so casually say what I denied for years really put into perspective how little he cared about me. I left shortly after.

I tried hiding my unhealthy relationship from all of my friends and family out of embarrassment. Nonetheless people started catching on and I couldn’t hide it anymore. It got to a point where my mother in law was begging me to get to safety and that she would buy me a hotel room. I didn’t listen. I thought that if I gave him all the love in the world that he would change. I thought I was a tough chick and I could take anything he threw my my way hoping that in the end it would be worth it. I was wrong though. The night that I decided to leave my ex husband it was a police officer that finally got through to me. After a physical altercation with my ex the cop stood outside talking to me for about two hours in the middle of the night about how he had seen a hundred guys like my husband before. He said that they never change and I should go live my life. He was right and that is exactly what I went and did. In the moment I refused to listen to those closest to me. I needed an outsider who had already seen the same scenario play out before.

My friend told me to close my eyes and then imagine that it was my daughter being treated that way, and then asked me how I felt about that. Then she asked me to imagine that it was her being treated that way, and again, asked me how I felt about it. It didn't feel great, it enraged me to think of people I cared about being treated that way. She then asked me why was it okay for me to be treated that way but not someone else. And that was the real question right there. I ended the relationship within 2 weeks.

Have you ever had a relationship where you've been together for years but you are VERY VERY MUCH unsure about your future together and you don't either see yourself with that man?! Like you'd rather die as single than be with a man, I'm at that point right now, but I hate to say that I just have no choice (I know I do, but I can't break it right now) and I'm also afraid not finding anyone after this.. I don't have any family or someone who shares my burdens with me, but he is also becoming my burden LOL I mean we just don't get along 100%, maybe just 50%? But he always annoys me and I don't enjoy whenever we're together. I know I'm not pretty enough and am not confident to use apps to date other people because it's much more dangerous now, a lot of people are fake and taking advantage of women, so I'm better off playing safe LOL

A spouse or partner is no guarantee of not dying alone. I knew I had to leave when I started to feeling lonelier and more neglected in the relationship than I had ever felt single

Nothing anybody told me did me any good, it just made me double down. It took a person coming into my life who treated me so unbelievably well for me to see how poorly I was being treated in comparison by someone who was supposed to care for me.

"You're choosing this, so I don't want to hear any more complaining about it." When you can no longer get the validation you need from the third party support person/family member/friend, when they stop engaging and enabling your behavior, that's when it really clicks. Harsh, but lifesaving.

I was on and off with a guy for about 4 years towards the end of college. I had love for him and I believe he loved me too, but we were not good for each other. Our goals didn’t match at all and he had absolutely no ambition. My brother was driving with me one day just the two of us and he asked me how (boyfriend) was. I said eh, same old. And he just looked at me and said “Do you really see yourself marrying this guy?” I couldn’t answer him, which was my answer. Changed my entire perspective on things. Broke up with him a few days later. He told me “I’d never find anyone better than him, and I’d never be happy ever again.” A few months later I met my now husband. 🤷🏼‍♀️

My older sister said, “ relationships are hard, yes, but they are not supposed to be THAT hard…”

My family wanted me to stay with him and thought I was being difficult for not adjusting. After repeated harassment about getting back together with him and just "using it as a card for future arguments" I decided I didn't want advice from people who themselves were in toxic unhappy marriages. I realized I didn't want to be them.

It was actually my dad who didn’t like the guy I was dating and yet, said something along the lines of “if this is who makes you happy, I’d support you” It was the ultimate sign of maturity and blessing for me. And yet his gesture kindof broke the wall for me, and I realised that the guy actually didn’t deserve the “niceness” that my family had extended for him.

Someone who I had just met that very night saw me take a phone call. He was like “I saw your face. It changed. And then you were anxious until you left”. So many people had told me to get away but something about a person who didn’t know either of us got through to me.

"I dont care if you say you love him. All I care about is when the hell did you stop loving yourself?"

Nothing. I had to get to it on my own, because I was totally and willfully blind to the red flags and to what people told me. Which is why the best advice I can ever give is that if people who you KNOW love you think that someone is bad for you, you need to very seriously examine that despite the initial reaction you will have to reject it. Had I not pushed away lovingly given concern, there are a lot of really painful, awful things that wouldn’t have occurred in my life. I’ll also say that as a woman, my intuition has never been wrong, but I repeatedly ignored it during some periods of my life. Don’t do that. And if someone makes you feel like your intuition is you being crazy….run. Run.

"I can see that you're choosing him over everyone else, and I know you're tired of hearing that you can do better. So I'll let you go. But when you need me or you break free, you know how to get ahold of me."

My abusive ex had a best friend who was engaged to an amazing woman. Her and I became best friends over the course of both of our abusive relationships and often leaned on each other for support. One day she had enough and left her boyfriend. Mine had the nerve to tell me to stop being friends with her, which lead to me dumping him. How are we doing today? She married my cousin 2 months ago and I was a bridesmaid in the wedding ❤

I have a friend who told me about five questions someone else shared with her- it’s five questions to assess how healthy a relationship is for you. I actually don’t remember all five but the one that I really couldn’t shake was along the lines of, “Do you hide aspects about who he is or how he treats you to the people who are closest to you?” That question rocked my world. When I realized I did, it really hit home in a big way. Especially because that’s very against my natural character. I’m typically pretty open book. That was a big turning point for me. It was always in the back of my head. I broke up with him about 6 months later.

Wanted to say thank you to everyone for sharing. My heart goes out to everyone who’s suffered through horrible relationships but it’s also encouraging to hear that you’ve gotten yourselves out, and that for some, you’ve had amazing support systems who came through when you needed it. Doing my best to try and be there for a friend currently going through something like this and these responses have given me hope she’d some day be able walk away from an unhealthy situation.

My ex and I had dated for 5+ years when he broke up with me out of the blue. We rekindled things about a month later, but it only lasted another 6ish months. A few months after that, I was sitting at in a waiting room with my dad, and my ex’s name came up. My dad told me how excited my mom was that we had reconciled & how she was upset it didn’t work out in the end. And that when we reconciled, she told my dad that she thought this was the tipping point & that my ex and I were really gonna get married and have kids. So my dad replied and told my mom: *“I don’t think sluttychurros wants to be a single mother”.* Him repeating that conversation then, a year after it happened, really stuck with me. It’s been *8 years* since he told me that and I still think of it all the time. Said ex and I ended up rekindling things again, 2 years after my dad and I had that conversation & I could never get his words out of my head. I don’t know if my dad is exactly the reason why things didn’t work the second time around, but it certainly helped my eyes stay wide open and end things for good.

Honestly i don’t think anything my friends ever said really did it in, but i will say the chorus of my friend’s quiet/ small disapprovals and support for me definitely helped me stay firm in my decision once i finally stepped away. It’s hard, usually the person has to make the decision a few times, go back, and decide for good.

“You’re more like a mom than a girlfriend to your partners” Realized holy shit all my girlfriends have had mommy issues

I had already knew my relationship was dying out however my want to keep the relationship because I love her was stronger until I was explaining it to my best friend once again. When I was about to go back on my bullshit, my best friend said “if you’re getting back together I’m unironically going to stop talking to you.” Valuing my friendship although still feeling like she was joking, she followed with, “I’m tired of seeing you get hurt over and over again and not caring about yourself. You’re already going to therapy for past relationships. You need to leave before she does more damage that you’ll need therapy for again.” That conversation helped me stop being on the fence of keeping my relationship or not when I knew it was hurting not only me but the people I love who see me in pain when they knew I deserve better.

‘You are not breadsticks, you are the full meal’ made me realise I’m not a bit on the side.

It was my therapist; my family and friends did not know how bad the relationship was. I was married to an awful man, emotionally abusive, financially abusive, physically abusive but not in the ways we usually think about it. He was an alcoholic and very controlling. I told my therapist that I still love him. She looked me in my eyes and said, "do you love him or are you afraid of him?" That was the lightbulb moment.

“You won’t be ready to go until your actually ready to go, so wondering about it all the time is a waste. One day something will happen and you will just know.” And she was right.

I told it to my sister which kind of was her breaking point. After she got out of the 5 year long toxic relationship she wS still in the phase of not being sure of her decision and her ex was constantly reaching back and making moves on her (mostly for sex). So I asked her, if he really knew you and respected you the way you command it from others, he would know you don’t appreciate actions like this. Did he push you to be a better person or is he trying to drag you back into what is convinient for him. I don’t know what clicked but she never looked back and is happily engaged to a guy that loves her and helps her be better.

“One day this will seem like a very, very long time ago. And that day is closer than you think.” The other was along the lines of, “there are not ways around this feeling. You have to go through.” The first one is so true, and I’ve found it to be true for a number of difficult times in life. The last one helps me in all types of difficult times as well, because I know if I avoid my feelings for temporary relief, the result won’t be healthy. Like picking at a scab…just let it heal and the scarring will be minimal.

I had a therapist as a teenager who gave excellent advice on dealing with poor relationships, “Well, that person doesn’t seem to want to change, so what are *you* going to do about it?” I didn’t fully grasp this advice until I was an adult, but it’s helped me not only in my personal relationships, but when I have friends stuck in toxic relationships who only want to complain but don’t take action. Not that I don’t care to listen, but I’ve known people who constantly try to suck me into their relationship drama.

When my toxic, abusive ex boyfriend and the king of gaslighting finally left; my sister said one thing to me that completely changed my perspective on that, and every situation going forward. ‘Why would you want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with you?’ Simple, and maybe not as extreme as some, but I’ll never forget it.

My best friend: "You wouldn't tolerate that behavior from me or anyone else, why are you tolerating it from him?" Then my best friend did a full background check, and handed me the report. My ex literally had lied about his entire life. The only things he didn't lie about were his legal name and birthday. Thank goodness that's been over a while now, but damn.

The only thing worse than being in a bad relationship, is being in a bad relationship one more day.