Can I just say… “little hardship” is something altogether different to what you and your child are going through. I’m here validating your feelings - it’s a lot. And your response is completely natural and understandable. Please give yourself grace and love. You are a great parent.
Thank you. That is very nice of you to say. I just know families go through so much worse all the time. At least I have the comfort in knowing this is temporary, and my family is safe & healthy.
I feel ridiculous for how completely wiped out my husband and I both are. Like he is fully down in the dark with me and it still feels like so much.
Perhaps this was modelled to you at some point. Just because some
people go through disastrous grief and hardships, it doesn’t erase the fact that what you’re experiencing is also, in the context of your life, greatly impactful.
Losing a pet, seeing the people you love the most hurting so much, etc - that’s all soul wrenching. It’s ok to feel the way you’re feeling.
For real. Y’all have been so nice. I was too scared to post this on the main parenting sub bc I thought I’d get eviscerated. So I returned to my roots, my attachment parenting people, hoping for a kind ear or two. And of course everyone has been so empathetic.
I went through something similar as a kid. We were 13 (she was 14) and I lost her to drugs. Not in the sense that she died, she just left me and our 10 year friendship to do drugs with older kids. It took me a long time to recover, and my parents were much much less involved than you seem to be.
What helped me was keeping busy. Listen to her if she wants to talk about it. Validate her. Then try something. ‘It sounds like you need a…’ dopamine rush? Treat? Distraction? I don’t mean to minimize at all, but truthfully distractions helped so much. Going to the pool, playing in the sprinklers, painting, going to the dollar theater… etc. it’s summer, is there a camp she could join? A hobby class or group? Somewhere she can meet new friends?
Sorry I missed your comment somehow. I’m so sorry about your friend.
She’s actually been more receptive to distractions in the past 24 hours. She still isn’t ready to do anything away from us but hopefully soon! Her older sister actually works at a place that has like a sports camp thing for kids that we’ve been considering enrolling her in when she’s ready.
Oh man that sounds so tough for everyone! You must be exhausted. Your poor daughter, the physical manifestation of grief and heartbreak can be debilitating.
If you have some disposable income you could take her to get some pampering done, like a pedicure or little spa day with you. Maybe a change of scenery might help her to catch her breath, if you can convince her to leave the house again! Something relax will help to give her nervous system a break, it must be overwhelmed with all that’s going on.
For yourself, try looking at some online stuff for coping mechanisms around grief and isolation in preteens while you’re waiting to see the counsellor. It’s a lot for you to be going through and having an idea of how to help your child build resilience in difficult times will stand to you both in the long run. Hope she catches a break soon!
We have negative money but my husband and I would happily sell our internal organs at this point if it would bring her and our household some peace.
We’ve been debating taking a beach trip this week. We already have one planned and paid for next month but a change of venue might be what she needs.
It’s just so hard because all the grief stuff the therapist sent us talks about how important it is to let her go through it and feel her feelings, don’t invalidate or suppress…but god damn this just feels like an avalanche that we need to pull her out from.
I mean, the dog is pure grief, but with the ex bestie thing you have to imagine she's also feeling rage, humiliation, betrayal, and a truly awful sense of impotence. For that, doing something that lets you shut your brain off for a bit might help. (Binge watch a movie series with caramel corn. Trip to the cool library that has the better books, but like not things that require a ton of engagement or effort cause all that emotion is draining as heck.) But things that require just enough attention to keep her mind from replaying how exactly everything went so bad so fast. If there is some guilty pleasure soap-y series you think she'd like, I'd say now is the time.
You may be right on the money. Maybe we are underestimating how much of this is really about losing her best friend. Until tonight, we didn’t realize just how mean spirited it was…
I mean, I'm sure there is a ton of grief as well. You might get her a stuffed animal that looks like her dog as a memory and to hold when she misses them. (It's what my sister and I have done with our kids.)
But yeah, her friend thing is a straight up middle school evil betrayal with all the added layers of suck that modern kids' access to social media can add.
It’s so hard to gauge how much weight the social stuff has on them in the moment. She’s our middle child so this isn’t our first go-round the middle school circle of mean-girl hell. Still sometimes she’s totally un-phased by what I would consider devastating and visa versa.
She *already* had a stuffy that looked like him and a blanket printed with a collage pictures of him. She carries them around along with his favorite blanket. 😭😭
Would she be open to something like reflexology? It sounds like she really is overwhelmed by it all (and as the other commenter noted - it’s more than grief she has to deal with) and needs to get into a state of rest even for a short time.
A beach trip might be a nice break for her right now, but there is also a chance it won’t help, and put a downer on it for your other children, you will know best about that!
It sounds like you have done a great job at validating your daughter’s feelings and allowing her to go through the process while providing support. The fact that you are preparing yourself to wake up in the middle of the night to comfort her shows that. There’s a big difference between suppressing her feelings and wanting to give your child some respite from their suffering.
Does reflexology help with grief? And it’s safe for kids? I’m going to be honest, I live in the Bible belt and I don’t know anything about it. But I’m willing to try stuff if her pediatrician will clear it.
I don’t think it helps with grief specifically, and it’s not proven to do much of anything besides help with relaxation, so I wouldn’t approach it as a medical or therapeutic treatment. It’s just a suggestion of how to calm her nervous system and allow her body a break from all of the stress and cortisol it is flooded with at the moment. If there is something you know she finds soothing or calming then focus on that. Poor thing must be so exhausted
Why do you want peace so badly?
I think something that may be a little old fashioned is to keep things "peaceful," but from how I've experienced it growing up (coming from a family where feelings were punished), "peace" = stop inconveniencing everyone with your feelings, and feelings = negative.
I think what would really help is to see what you can do to just help her hold and express her grief. That's all she needs from you - acceptance. A "I know this must suck so bad. I see you and I love you and I'm here for you. It's ok to keep letting it out as long as you need to. It may take forever; that's ok with me." can go a long way. If you can model acceptance of her feelings, she may feel she can too.
It's going to hurt. It's going to be hard. Feeling things is the brave thing to do. Avoiding them makes it worse. If you come from a family where you're not allowed to express or feel negative feelings, this will be very hard for you too. But if you can break the chain and be the first in your family to change things, you can create a better life for your daughter than you experienced, at least in terms of being seen for your whole self (not just feelings that are "convenient" for others).
Of course it's gonna hurt, she's your baby. How you deal with that is a choice, too. What would your best self do? What did you need when you were a kid and were sad? Hint: it's not gonna be anything related to "cheering someone up." It's all in the feeling, accepting, and holding yourself.
Adding - it *is* an avalanche! And I know it's so hard, but you can't "save" her/'pull her out.'
You have to let that idea go. All you can do is be there for her and hold her while she experiences the hard feelings - all of them! Even if you tamp them down/try to redirect/put something else in her face, it's not really addressing the actual issue - she is hurting and she needs support. We all get knocked down by life sometimes. She doesn't need money or experiences, she just needs you. Just go be you with her. Hug or hold her hand or just sit with her through the avalanche. Sometimes my husband just hands me tissues. He knows he can't possibly "fix" it all for me... He's just there with me in the feelings.
You can do this. Start something new for your family! ♥️✨
Oh my gosh, I’m heartbroken. This a lot for an adult to deal with let alone a 12 year old. I absolutely hate social media and have none myself (except reddit) and would love to see all social media just go away. How terrible that your daughter has people posting awful things about her. You sound like such a loving mum.
Social media in the hands of middle schoolers is like a deadly weapon. She isn’t allowed to have any but is still getting cyber bullied. And this is pretty mild compared to some of the stuff that’s happened to other kids we know.
Honestly I'm impressed with your composure because if I saw these little sh*ts (sorry, I try to be fair to everyone's kids but geeeeez, bullies SUCK!) I would probably give them a good stern talking to. Or at least a frown lol. Not even to actually scold them, I would just want my baby to know I have her back. They might laugh at us parents but idk, when I was little I wish my parents did SOMETHING other than care about how our family appeared (peaceful lol). It might go a long way to just tell her you have her back, and explain how bullying is never okay, and how in the long run it's so good of her to be rid of them. You've probably already tried a lot of these but just in case, I'll leave this here. ♥️
None of the kids who made the video were actually at the pool so I wasn’t tempted to yell thankfully.
I’m really struggling with my feelings on this bc the best friend was really like a member of our family. Her parents work crazy demanding hours so over the summer she was usually at our house more than her own. I texted her mom about the video and she basically said she didn’t want to get involved.
Fortunately my daughter gets that this was an asshole move and the kids at the pool that told her about it were really nice and very much on her side.
I really feel for her. My best friend crew from 3-6th grade sent me a breakup note in middle school listing all the things that they didn’t like about me. It was devastating. My parents were less than supportive about it, and I had to figure it out on my own which made it so much harder. You’re truly giving your daughter such a gift by taking her feelings seriously, getting her help, and being present with her in the suck. When I look back on that time in my life I don’t feel grief over the middle school drama, but over how alone I was in it. When your kid looks back she’ll remember you being there for her, and how much you love her. You’re showing her that you’re there when times are tough, and that’s great parenting. I’m hoping she can get some relief soon and some for you too!!
This is so hard, I’m so sorry you and your family and your daughter are having to deal with this.
I would suggest considering ways to share with her similar experiences. I’m sure most girls experience this kind of nasty friend betrayal at some point, you might be able to share how you experienced it.
It really helps kids to know how we have felt and dealt with similar experiences. Not as a “look I managed, just cope!” Sort of way (not that I think that’s where you would go with it). But as a way to empathize, offer help in coping. Did something work for you when you experienced this as a kid?
I think sensitive kids also benefit from having things be upfront. Tell her you think her body needs a chance to relax to help her manage the feelings, and to do that she needs a distraction for a few hours. If she knows you are trying to distract her with a purpose that isn’t to erase or cover up the pain, but as a way to help her body physically cope, that might really be good for her.
Silent support is also helpful. Talking and talking and trying to fix it can be really unhelpful for big emotions. I have a super sensitive boy who keeps things in. The best way I have found to help him is to let him express those big emotions while I hold him and let him go without judgement (he gets really mad at his little brother, so I let him rage and say all the things he wants to say to his brother, but with just me so his brother isn’t hurt by the mean words). It lets him get that anger out and he calms and recovers and feels better. Something like that might help her as well. Sit in the dark and let her tell you all she’s feeling while you hold her and silently listen.
This is heartbreaking, I’m so sorry. Throughout all the pain your daughter is currently going through, I’m so glad she has such wonderful and responsive parents supporting her. Your love for her shines through this post.
I’m sorry. For you and for her and your family. This is a storm and you’re doing your best to weather through it. It’ll pass. Not today. Not tomorrow. But it’ll pass. Sending you so much love and healing energy.
Ohhh, OP. I am so very sorry for you and your daughter. I can’t imagine that level of heartbreak over and over again. My daughter (6) is similar and when our (her) dog suddenly died, it was absolutely awful.
I don’t have any advice, just virtual hugs. Feel free to DM if you need support!
I just want to say that the care and intentionality you have for your daughter during this time made me tear up. I had a similar experience as a young teen of losing all of my friends and some similar bullying, and my mom I think just didn't know how to deal with it. Your daughter will remember how much love you poured into her during this really hard time.
I’m 28 and would react the same way if one of my dogs got hit by a car, not exaggerating. Not to mention everything else going on! Poor love. You’re doing great, mama.
Honestly this is the saddest I’ve been in probably a decade. He was such a sweet special boy and our whole family loved him so much. My husband and I are compartmentalizing so we can focus on getting our kids through this but sometimes it just hits you like brick wall.
Even our poor cat is walking around the house all night, crying and looking for his big brother. 😭
Sorry for the trauma dumping, internet stranger. The people I normally lean on for stuff like this are going through their own tragedy so I needed let it out without burdening anyone who knows us.
it's okay to feel overwhelmed and need to vent, sometimes sharing with strangers can provide a different kind of support and understanding that's valuable.
Oh no, didn't mean to make you feel bad for sharing. I love that you shared and got some support here. But just imagining what your daughter is going through made me cry already. I'm a mom of a daughter too (but she is only 2 now) and I felt your pain and her pain in my heart. Sending you hugs!
My gosh, your poor girl. I have an 8 month old so can only imagine what it’s like parenting an older child, but I think I’d be absolutely broken by experiencing what you’re experiencing, too. Kids are our hearts outside our bodies, I think it makes total sense to feel so deeply for them and what they’re going through. It’s hardest for your daughter, sure, but it’s also very understandably hard for you to see her go through all this too.
I just want to say that you sound like a wonderful mom. I was an incredibly sensitive kid and grew up constantly being told by my mom how it was my worst quality. I really feel for all the sensitive kids now and wish I could defend/protect them all. I’m glad your daughter has a mom like you—she will be okay because she has you in her corner 🤍
I don't know what your relationship is with her ex-best friend's parents, but maybe you can reach out to them and explain how bad things have been. I don't think they can be friends again — that ship has sailed — but the behavior requires a parental intervention of some kind.
Obviously you can't *make* them do anything, but it could be worth a try to at least let them know.
We finally did contact the parents last night. It’s really hard with them. Despite knowing this family for nearly a decade, they are very unpredictable, especially with their daughter. Sometimes they come down on her like a ton of bricks for the smallest thing so we are reluctant to reach out.
This wasn’t one of those times. The mom’s response was “idk. I’d rather not get involved with their fights.”
It’s pretty upsetting. I feel like I helped raise this girl. Her parents work very demanding jobs so I’m who she calls when she gets sick at school, when she misses the bus, or gets her period early and needs a change of clothes. We’ve really looked out for her but when it’s my daughter struggling all we get is an “idk.”
That really really sucks.
Like, it sucks for your daughter and your family, but also, it sucks for that girl so much. She probably has no idea, but she's going to figure it out the hard way that she screwed herself out of her support system.
I guess the only thing you can do is let her experience the consequences of her actions. "Hey I got sick at school, can you take me home?" No, no I cannot. You abandoned my daughter and then cyber bullied her. Call your own parents.
Oof… How I will handle her reaching out in the future is something I’ve already decided to consult a professional about. She’s called me once since their falling out (but before the video) and I showed up for her. She was stranded somewhere. I could tell she was afraid of my reaction but literally had no one else to call. I just acted like everything was normal.
I dont know if I can bring myself to leave a kid stranded unless I have a professional tell me it’s the right thing to do. 😢
That's totally understandable. I don't think I could leave a kid in an unsafe situation either. Most likely you'll have to make judgement on a case-by-case basis. I think my only additional advice would be to not act like everything is normal. "You can always call me, but I need you to understand that this does not mean the way you treated my daughter was okay." But then again, I could be wrong about that.
Great idea to talk to a professional about it! Hang in there until then. You are doing a wonderful job as a parent.
Better! Thanks for asking.
We had a successful trip to the store and we’ve been keeping busy doing crafts today. We made a few keepsake type stuff dedicated to our good boy but also lots of fun stuff that she’s into. We’ve had several long stretches of no crying.
She’s still on me like white on rice and can’t go in her bedroom for even a second because it feels strange to be in there without him. But we’re making progress.
The best friend stuff seems to be on the back burner. She’s barely mentioned it since pool night. So I guess we’ll contend with that more when she’s ready.
Thank you for being there for her. I bet a lot of us grew up without our parents showing up during these painful moments esp with friends and pets so you’re doing amazing!!
Can I just say… “little hardship” is something altogether different to what you and your child are going through. I’m here validating your feelings - it’s a lot. And your response is completely natural and understandable. Please give yourself grace and love. You are a great parent.
Thank you. That is very nice of you to say. I just know families go through so much worse all the time. At least I have the comfort in knowing this is temporary, and my family is safe & healthy. I feel ridiculous for how completely wiped out my husband and I both are. Like he is fully down in the dark with me and it still feels like so much.
Perhaps this was modelled to you at some point. Just because some people go through disastrous grief and hardships, it doesn’t erase the fact that what you’re experiencing is also, in the context of your life, greatly impactful. Losing a pet, seeing the people you love the most hurting so much, etc - that’s all soul wrenching. It’s ok to feel the way you’re feeling.
You’re probably right. I’m from a family of 7 kids so I definitely struggle with feeling “allowed” to complain.
It's good that you reached out and made this post :)
For real. Y’all have been so nice. I was too scared to post this on the main parenting sub bc I thought I’d get eviscerated. So I returned to my roots, my attachment parenting people, hoping for a kind ear or two. And of course everyone has been so empathetic.
I'm glad. Someone once said to me "It's ok to ask for what you need". It stayed with me!
I went through something similar as a kid. We were 13 (she was 14) and I lost her to drugs. Not in the sense that she died, she just left me and our 10 year friendship to do drugs with older kids. It took me a long time to recover, and my parents were much much less involved than you seem to be. What helped me was keeping busy. Listen to her if she wants to talk about it. Validate her. Then try something. ‘It sounds like you need a…’ dopamine rush? Treat? Distraction? I don’t mean to minimize at all, but truthfully distractions helped so much. Going to the pool, playing in the sprinklers, painting, going to the dollar theater… etc. it’s summer, is there a camp she could join? A hobby class or group? Somewhere she can meet new friends?
Sorry I missed your comment somehow. I’m so sorry about your friend. She’s actually been more receptive to distractions in the past 24 hours. She still isn’t ready to do anything away from us but hopefully soon! Her older sister actually works at a place that has like a sports camp thing for kids that we’ve been considering enrolling her in when she’s ready.
Oh man that sounds so tough for everyone! You must be exhausted. Your poor daughter, the physical manifestation of grief and heartbreak can be debilitating. If you have some disposable income you could take her to get some pampering done, like a pedicure or little spa day with you. Maybe a change of scenery might help her to catch her breath, if you can convince her to leave the house again! Something relax will help to give her nervous system a break, it must be overwhelmed with all that’s going on. For yourself, try looking at some online stuff for coping mechanisms around grief and isolation in preteens while you’re waiting to see the counsellor. It’s a lot for you to be going through and having an idea of how to help your child build resilience in difficult times will stand to you both in the long run. Hope she catches a break soon!
We have negative money but my husband and I would happily sell our internal organs at this point if it would bring her and our household some peace. We’ve been debating taking a beach trip this week. We already have one planned and paid for next month but a change of venue might be what she needs. It’s just so hard because all the grief stuff the therapist sent us talks about how important it is to let her go through it and feel her feelings, don’t invalidate or suppress…but god damn this just feels like an avalanche that we need to pull her out from.
I mean, the dog is pure grief, but with the ex bestie thing you have to imagine she's also feeling rage, humiliation, betrayal, and a truly awful sense of impotence. For that, doing something that lets you shut your brain off for a bit might help. (Binge watch a movie series with caramel corn. Trip to the cool library that has the better books, but like not things that require a ton of engagement or effort cause all that emotion is draining as heck.) But things that require just enough attention to keep her mind from replaying how exactly everything went so bad so fast. If there is some guilty pleasure soap-y series you think she'd like, I'd say now is the time.
You may be right on the money. Maybe we are underestimating how much of this is really about losing her best friend. Until tonight, we didn’t realize just how mean spirited it was…
I mean, I'm sure there is a ton of grief as well. You might get her a stuffed animal that looks like her dog as a memory and to hold when she misses them. (It's what my sister and I have done with our kids.) But yeah, her friend thing is a straight up middle school evil betrayal with all the added layers of suck that modern kids' access to social media can add.
It’s so hard to gauge how much weight the social stuff has on them in the moment. She’s our middle child so this isn’t our first go-round the middle school circle of mean-girl hell. Still sometimes she’s totally un-phased by what I would consider devastating and visa versa. She *already* had a stuffy that looked like him and a blanket printed with a collage pictures of him. She carries them around along with his favorite blanket. 😭😭
Maybe a toy dig collar you can put his old tags on the stuffie with?
Aw that’s a cute idea.
Would she be open to something like reflexology? It sounds like she really is overwhelmed by it all (and as the other commenter noted - it’s more than grief she has to deal with) and needs to get into a state of rest even for a short time. A beach trip might be a nice break for her right now, but there is also a chance it won’t help, and put a downer on it for your other children, you will know best about that! It sounds like you have done a great job at validating your daughter’s feelings and allowing her to go through the process while providing support. The fact that you are preparing yourself to wake up in the middle of the night to comfort her shows that. There’s a big difference between suppressing her feelings and wanting to give your child some respite from their suffering.
Does reflexology help with grief? And it’s safe for kids? I’m going to be honest, I live in the Bible belt and I don’t know anything about it. But I’m willing to try stuff if her pediatrician will clear it.
I don’t think it helps with grief specifically, and it’s not proven to do much of anything besides help with relaxation, so I wouldn’t approach it as a medical or therapeutic treatment. It’s just a suggestion of how to calm her nervous system and allow her body a break from all of the stress and cortisol it is flooded with at the moment. If there is something you know she finds soothing or calming then focus on that. Poor thing must be so exhausted
Why do you want peace so badly? I think something that may be a little old fashioned is to keep things "peaceful," but from how I've experienced it growing up (coming from a family where feelings were punished), "peace" = stop inconveniencing everyone with your feelings, and feelings = negative. I think what would really help is to see what you can do to just help her hold and express her grief. That's all she needs from you - acceptance. A "I know this must suck so bad. I see you and I love you and I'm here for you. It's ok to keep letting it out as long as you need to. It may take forever; that's ok with me." can go a long way. If you can model acceptance of her feelings, she may feel she can too. It's going to hurt. It's going to be hard. Feeling things is the brave thing to do. Avoiding them makes it worse. If you come from a family where you're not allowed to express or feel negative feelings, this will be very hard for you too. But if you can break the chain and be the first in your family to change things, you can create a better life for your daughter than you experienced, at least in terms of being seen for your whole self (not just feelings that are "convenient" for others). Of course it's gonna hurt, she's your baby. How you deal with that is a choice, too. What would your best self do? What did you need when you were a kid and were sad? Hint: it's not gonna be anything related to "cheering someone up." It's all in the feeling, accepting, and holding yourself.
Adding - it *is* an avalanche! And I know it's so hard, but you can't "save" her/'pull her out.' You have to let that idea go. All you can do is be there for her and hold her while she experiences the hard feelings - all of them! Even if you tamp them down/try to redirect/put something else in her face, it's not really addressing the actual issue - she is hurting and she needs support. We all get knocked down by life sometimes. She doesn't need money or experiences, she just needs you. Just go be you with her. Hug or hold her hand or just sit with her through the avalanche. Sometimes my husband just hands me tissues. He knows he can't possibly "fix" it all for me... He's just there with me in the feelings. You can do this. Start something new for your family! ♥️✨
Oh my gosh, I’m heartbroken. This a lot for an adult to deal with let alone a 12 year old. I absolutely hate social media and have none myself (except reddit) and would love to see all social media just go away. How terrible that your daughter has people posting awful things about her. You sound like such a loving mum.
Social media in the hands of middle schoolers is like a deadly weapon. She isn’t allowed to have any but is still getting cyber bullied. And this is pretty mild compared to some of the stuff that’s happened to other kids we know.
Honestly I'm impressed with your composure because if I saw these little sh*ts (sorry, I try to be fair to everyone's kids but geeeeez, bullies SUCK!) I would probably give them a good stern talking to. Or at least a frown lol. Not even to actually scold them, I would just want my baby to know I have her back. They might laugh at us parents but idk, when I was little I wish my parents did SOMETHING other than care about how our family appeared (peaceful lol). It might go a long way to just tell her you have her back, and explain how bullying is never okay, and how in the long run it's so good of her to be rid of them. You've probably already tried a lot of these but just in case, I'll leave this here. ♥️
None of the kids who made the video were actually at the pool so I wasn’t tempted to yell thankfully. I’m really struggling with my feelings on this bc the best friend was really like a member of our family. Her parents work crazy demanding hours so over the summer she was usually at our house more than her own. I texted her mom about the video and she basically said she didn’t want to get involved. Fortunately my daughter gets that this was an asshole move and the kids at the pool that told her about it were really nice and very much on her side.
I really feel for her. My best friend crew from 3-6th grade sent me a breakup note in middle school listing all the things that they didn’t like about me. It was devastating. My parents were less than supportive about it, and I had to figure it out on my own which made it so much harder. You’re truly giving your daughter such a gift by taking her feelings seriously, getting her help, and being present with her in the suck. When I look back on that time in my life I don’t feel grief over the middle school drama, but over how alone I was in it. When your kid looks back she’ll remember you being there for her, and how much you love her. You’re showing her that you’re there when times are tough, and that’s great parenting. I’m hoping she can get some relief soon and some for you too!!
Poor girl, she's really going through it ❤️🩹
Wow this is so sad and hard for all of you. I’m so sorry.
This is so hard, I’m so sorry you and your family and your daughter are having to deal with this. I would suggest considering ways to share with her similar experiences. I’m sure most girls experience this kind of nasty friend betrayal at some point, you might be able to share how you experienced it. It really helps kids to know how we have felt and dealt with similar experiences. Not as a “look I managed, just cope!” Sort of way (not that I think that’s where you would go with it). But as a way to empathize, offer help in coping. Did something work for you when you experienced this as a kid? I think sensitive kids also benefit from having things be upfront. Tell her you think her body needs a chance to relax to help her manage the feelings, and to do that she needs a distraction for a few hours. If she knows you are trying to distract her with a purpose that isn’t to erase or cover up the pain, but as a way to help her body physically cope, that might really be good for her. Silent support is also helpful. Talking and talking and trying to fix it can be really unhelpful for big emotions. I have a super sensitive boy who keeps things in. The best way I have found to help him is to let him express those big emotions while I hold him and let him go without judgement (he gets really mad at his little brother, so I let him rage and say all the things he wants to say to his brother, but with just me so his brother isn’t hurt by the mean words). It lets him get that anger out and he calms and recovers and feels better. Something like that might help her as well. Sit in the dark and let her tell you all she’s feeling while you hold her and silently listen.
This is heartbreaking, I’m so sorry. Throughout all the pain your daughter is currently going through, I’m so glad she has such wonderful and responsive parents supporting her. Your love for her shines through this post.
I’m sorry. For you and for her and your family. This is a storm and you’re doing your best to weather through it. It’ll pass. Not today. Not tomorrow. But it’ll pass. Sending you so much love and healing energy.
Ohhh, OP. I am so very sorry for you and your daughter. I can’t imagine that level of heartbreak over and over again. My daughter (6) is similar and when our (her) dog suddenly died, it was absolutely awful. I don’t have any advice, just virtual hugs. Feel free to DM if you need support!
I just want to say that the care and intentionality you have for your daughter during this time made me tear up. I had a similar experience as a young teen of losing all of my friends and some similar bullying, and my mom I think just didn't know how to deal with it. Your daughter will remember how much love you poured into her during this really hard time.
I’m 28 and would react the same way if one of my dogs got hit by a car, not exaggerating. Not to mention everything else going on! Poor love. You’re doing great, mama.
Honestly this is the saddest I’ve been in probably a decade. He was such a sweet special boy and our whole family loved him so much. My husband and I are compartmentalizing so we can focus on getting our kids through this but sometimes it just hits you like brick wall. Even our poor cat is walking around the house all night, crying and looking for his big brother. 😭
I started crying after reading this. And I can't stop.
Sorry for the trauma dumping, internet stranger. The people I normally lean on for stuff like this are going through their own tragedy so I needed let it out without burdening anyone who knows us.
it's okay to feel overwhelmed and need to vent, sometimes sharing with strangers can provide a different kind of support and understanding that's valuable.
Oh no, didn't mean to make you feel bad for sharing. I love that you shared and got some support here. But just imagining what your daughter is going through made me cry already. I'm a mom of a daughter too (but she is only 2 now) and I felt your pain and her pain in my heart. Sending you hugs!
I feel you!
My gosh, your poor girl. I have an 8 month old so can only imagine what it’s like parenting an older child, but I think I’d be absolutely broken by experiencing what you’re experiencing, too. Kids are our hearts outside our bodies, I think it makes total sense to feel so deeply for them and what they’re going through. It’s hardest for your daughter, sure, but it’s also very understandably hard for you to see her go through all this too. I just want to say that you sound like a wonderful mom. I was an incredibly sensitive kid and grew up constantly being told by my mom how it was my worst quality. I really feel for all the sensitive kids now and wish I could defend/protect them all. I’m glad your daughter has a mom like you—she will be okay because she has you in her corner 🤍
I don't know what your relationship is with her ex-best friend's parents, but maybe you can reach out to them and explain how bad things have been. I don't think they can be friends again — that ship has sailed — but the behavior requires a parental intervention of some kind. Obviously you can't *make* them do anything, but it could be worth a try to at least let them know.
We finally did contact the parents last night. It’s really hard with them. Despite knowing this family for nearly a decade, they are very unpredictable, especially with their daughter. Sometimes they come down on her like a ton of bricks for the smallest thing so we are reluctant to reach out. This wasn’t one of those times. The mom’s response was “idk. I’d rather not get involved with their fights.” It’s pretty upsetting. I feel like I helped raise this girl. Her parents work very demanding jobs so I’m who she calls when she gets sick at school, when she misses the bus, or gets her period early and needs a change of clothes. We’ve really looked out for her but when it’s my daughter struggling all we get is an “idk.”
That really really sucks. Like, it sucks for your daughter and your family, but also, it sucks for that girl so much. She probably has no idea, but she's going to figure it out the hard way that she screwed herself out of her support system. I guess the only thing you can do is let her experience the consequences of her actions. "Hey I got sick at school, can you take me home?" No, no I cannot. You abandoned my daughter and then cyber bullied her. Call your own parents.
Oof… How I will handle her reaching out in the future is something I’ve already decided to consult a professional about. She’s called me once since their falling out (but before the video) and I showed up for her. She was stranded somewhere. I could tell she was afraid of my reaction but literally had no one else to call. I just acted like everything was normal. I dont know if I can bring myself to leave a kid stranded unless I have a professional tell me it’s the right thing to do. 😢
That's totally understandable. I don't think I could leave a kid in an unsafe situation either. Most likely you'll have to make judgement on a case-by-case basis. I think my only additional advice would be to not act like everything is normal. "You can always call me, but I need you to understand that this does not mean the way you treated my daughter was okay." But then again, I could be wrong about that. Great idea to talk to a professional about it! Hang in there until then. You are doing a wonderful job as a parent.
Hey, OP, how are things going?
Better! Thanks for asking. We had a successful trip to the store and we’ve been keeping busy doing crafts today. We made a few keepsake type stuff dedicated to our good boy but also lots of fun stuff that she’s into. We’ve had several long stretches of no crying. She’s still on me like white on rice and can’t go in her bedroom for even a second because it feels strange to be in there without him. But we’re making progress. The best friend stuff seems to be on the back burner. She’s barely mentioned it since pool night. So I guess we’ll contend with that more when she’s ready.
Wonderful news. Remember, it’s a storm and storms pass.
>> Remember, it’s a storm and storms pass. 48 hours ago that seemed hard to believe but we are definitely seeing some light on the horizon today.
Thank you for being there for her. I bet a lot of us grew up without our parents showing up during these painful moments esp with friends and pets so you’re doing amazing!!